Talking To Teens: Expert Tips for Parenting Teenagers (talkingtoteens.com)
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| Date | Titre | Durée | |
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| 03 Oct 2021 | Ep 158: The Knowledge Gap | 00:28:23 | |
Natalie Wexler, author of The Knowledge Gap, clues us in onto the widening knowledge gap: what it is, why it’s happening, and how we might begin to narrow it. Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation. Full show notes For many of us, education is the #1 priority for our kids. A good education can help lift kids out of poverty, can ensure a financially stable and independent future, and can open up the doors of opportunity and possibility, no matter what they dream of doing! While hobbies, social life and athleticism are all important parts of helping kids become well rounded, education is key to giving them the ticket to a prosperous life. But the sad truth is that our education system might not be doing what we need it to do! In many ways, our current curriculum takes the wrong approach, leaving kids without the knowledge they need to succeed in adulthood. Today’s schooling is especially ineffective for students who are not so affluent, with a rising gap in test scores and academic performance between those on the highest and lowest ends of the socioeconomic spectrum. So how can we create an effective, equitable system that gives our kids the chance they deserve? Our guest, Natalie Wexler, is here to help us find out. She’s the author of The Knowledge Gap: The Hidden Cause of America's Broken Education System--and how to Fix it. In our interview, she’s bringing attention to the serious issues facing today’s students, and how schools can start doing better by those they teach. Natalie and I are discussing how our schools are focused on helping kids develop critical thinking skills instead of helping them build up a base of knowledge. Although this might sound like the right approach, it’s actually doing a disservice to kids all across the country! We’re also getting into why our nation’s wealth gap is so present in our education system, and discussing how you as a parent can give your kids’ education a boost. The Crisis of Our Curriculum Although we may not see it (or want to confront it), there are some issues that run deep through the American education system. These problems tend to affect low income students the most, but can be found in schools across the country, no matter the school’s location or price tag. These problems that are fundamentally built into our nation’s approach to teaching students! They lie in our decision to forgo teaching kids hard knowledge, self expression, and memorization, and instead teach them basic, repetitive comprehension skills. While it’s great for kids to have strong comprehension and think critically, they need to have a foundation of knowledge, says Natalie–knowledge they’re not really getting. For example, students are taught to find the main idea of a passage, or are asked to answer questions about the contents of the reading, but rarely are they taught hard information about important topics, like historical events. They often don’t read and discuss literature, and they don’t memorize scientific terms! This is especially true for less affluent students, but a part of it rings true for schools across the country. Natalie explains that when kids read about vikings, or pyramids, or Marie Curie, and then asked to write about those topics, they find themselves interested in learning new things. They feel intrigued by this important social science or scientific topics and feel engaged when asked to write on them-so why don’t we approach teaching this way more often instead of handing out bland passages with no memorable content? For many students, it’s because they have been marked as “behind” due to unequal access to education–and this is the ineffective way schools have attempted to help. Why Education Isn’t Equal For kids growing up without a lot of resources, these issues within the system are even more damaging. For kids whose parents may have never finished high school, there are quite a few extra obstacles in the way of a good education, says Natalie, and the curriculum tends to be one of them. Often, this “skill” based approach is meant to help kids with a lower quality elementary/middle school education get up to speed, but the problem is often that they just don’t have enough knowledge-based education to begin with. Plus, kids who are raised in better funded schools or with highly educated parents are usually given more intellectually complex texts to read. As Natalie says in the episode, knowledge is like velcro, and as kids read more sophisticated work, they become capable of understanding even more complicated readings–until they are able to comprehend at a very high level. Meanwhile, those who didn’t have the opportunity to read sophisticated content find themselves unable to make the same level of growth, widening the gap between rich and poor students. Natalie explains that high school kids from low income areas often can’t even identify the U.S. on a map and may struggle to write a sentence–not because they aren’t capable of understanding that information but because the early curriculum for these students is far behind that of wealthier students. It’s our current system that's letting them down, and it’s something that needs to change as soon as possible, says Natalie. If you’re worried that your kid isn’t getting the education you’d hoped for, Natalie and I are talking about what you can do to look out for your kids’ learning. Prepping You Kid For Success If you’re concerned that your teen might not be getting the most out of school, don’t fear. Natalie and I discuss some steps you can take to give your kid a fighting chance at a good education. One of the most effective ways parents can help is by starting at-home help early on No matter how old your kid is, helping them build their knowledge and vocalize their own interpretations of material can give them a major boost. This means not just reading to or with them, but also having discussions together after! Natalie recommends that teens do additional writing at home on the subjects they're learning about in school. By retaining and rephrasing the knowledge they’ve gaine and using their own voice to dissect its meaning, they are gaining the ability to process ideas critically and express themselves–a priceless skill for making their way in the world. If you can, Natalie suggests finding a tutor as well! Tutors can provide supplemental assignments and guidance to kids, bringing a personal, one on one approach that’s especially helpful to kids who have fallen behind. You might be wondering, how can I find out more about the curriculum at my kid’s school? Unfortunately, as Natalie and I discuss, this is harder than it should be. Most schools don’t have a place where the state-mandated or even school-specific curriculums are shared publicly. In fact, at some schools, there is no curriculum at all, and teachers are expected to come up with their own. Natalie and I talk more on this in the episode, and how urgent it is that change emerges and more transparency is brought to our schooling system! In the Episode… There’s a lot we still have to learn about education...but Natalie is here to help. On top of the topics discussed above, we also cover:
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| 09 Jun 2024 | Ep 293: Breaking the Stigma of Mental Illness | 00:25:25 | |
Roy Richard Grinker, author of Nobody's Normal, How Culture Created the Stigma of Mental Illness, joins us to discuss the cultural history of mental illness stigma and how parents can create supportive environments for their teens to talk about their mental health. Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation. Full Show Notes Talking about mental health can often feel like walking on eggshells. Despite growing awareness, there remains a significant challenge in how comfortably and openly people address issues surrounding mental illness. For parents of teens, understanding and navigating this intricate subject is crucial to ensuring their children feel supported and understood during such formative years. If we want to foster environments where teenagers feel safe discussing their mental health struggles, we must first understand the roots of the stigma surrounding mental illness. Historically, mental health problems have been shrouded in shame and secrecy, which has deeply embedded these stigmas into our culture. But where did this stigma originate, and how can we begin to dismantle it in our families? To delve into this topic, we are joined by Roy Richard Grinker, a professor of anthropology and international affairs at George Washington University and the author of several insightful books, including Unstrange Minds and his latest, Nobody's Normal, How Culture Created the Stigma of Mental Illness. Richard brings a unique perspective on how societal and cultural factors have shaped our views on mental health. In this episode, we explore the history of mental illness stigma, examining why mental health issues have been viewed so negatively. Richard explains how the intersection of culture, historical events, and societal norms has contributed to this pervasive problem. We learn about surprising instances from history, like the unexpected origins of common breakfast foods created to prevent masturbation, and how these reflect broader societal attitudes towards mental health. Changing Perspectives On Mental Illness One of the eye-opening stories Richard shares is about a student who described the best day of her freshman year as the day she was diagnosed with ADHD. This diagnosis provided her validation and understanding of her struggles, leading us to discuss how diagnosis can both liberate individuals and unintentionally place the burden solely on them, overlooking societal and environmental factors. Richard draws attention to the limitations of viewing mental health issues through a purely biological lens without considering the broader social context. He sheds light on the "social model of disability," emphasizing that many challenges attributed to personal failings are often exacerbated, if not created, by societal structures and cultural expectations. The Dual Illness of Mental Health Stigma A crucial point raised in our conversation is the "double illness" experienced by those with mental health issues. Not only do they suffer from the symptoms of their condition, but they also bear the additional weight of societal judgment and stigma. Richard highlights sobering examples, such as politicians avoiding therapy to not appear weak, which perpetuates the stigma and discourages honesty about mental health struggles. We also touch on historical perspectives, including how mental health was perceived during slavery and the impact of differing care models between the North and the South. These insights help illustrate how cultural and systemic factors have long influenced the treatment and perception of mental illness. The Evolution of Mental Health Terminology Our discussion then moves into how the terminology around mental health has evolved, sometimes reflecting shifts in cultural attitudes. From outdated terms like hysteria to more contemporary ones like conversion disorder, we see how language both shapes and is shaped by societal understanding. Richard and I delve into the implications of more recent changes, such as the removal of Asperger's syndrome from the American Psychiatric Association's diagnostic manual. He argues that these changes are often driven more by cultural needs than by new scientific discoveries. Creating an Open Dialogue in Your Home To conclude, we focus on practical steps parents can take to create a supportive environment where their teens feel comfortable discussing mental health issues. Richard emphasizes the importance of normalizing these conversations and being proactive in asking teens about their emotional well-being, just as one would inquire about physical health. In the Episode… Richard's insights are invaluable for anyone looking to understand and dismantle the stigma around mental illness. In addition to the topics discussed above, we also cover: - How wars have historically progressed mental health care - The impact of societal norms on the perception of gender and mental health - Modern approaches to diagnosing and treating mental health issues - How historical and cultural contexts can influence mental health labels and treatments Richard’s book, Nobody's Normal, offers a profound look into how culture shapes our understanding of mental health, and our conversation provides practical advice for parents striving to support their teens. Listen to the full episode for more! Don’t forget to share and subscribe to Talking to Teens, and we’ll see you next week! Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation. | |||
| 09 Aug 2020 | Ep 98: From Insecure to Marvelous | 00:26:53 | |
Shanterra McBride, author of Love Your Jiggle and founder of Marvelous University, joins Andy for a talk on how to help our teens through their most awkward years and what to do to prepare them for the big world ahead. Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation. Full show notes Being a tween and becoming an adult is an awkward time not just for tweens, but for their parents! Bodies are changing, friendships are growing more complicated, and your once confident child may appear to be folding in on themselves, pulling away from the world, just at the moment when they need to learn how to be on their own in it! Instead of being able to tune in more accurately to their own voice, our teens are increasingly confronted with a myriad of messages on who to befriend, how to behave, and what to wear. With so many companies and personalities vying for our teens attention, it can feel like there’s no room for the voice of a parent. But teens, arguably more now than ever, need a steady parental presence... This week’s guest Shanterra McBride gets it. She knows from her own experiences mentoring and educating youth that parenting is hard. She also deeply and truly believes that, parents, you can do this. Shanterra McBride is the author of Love Your Jiggle: The Girls’ Guide To Being Marvelous and founder of Marvelous University. Although Shanterra’s book centers on girls, her experience in education has led her to work with teens of all genders and ages. She knows that insecurities and awkwardness during the adolescent years hit us all hard—and that sometimes all it takes for a teen to feel okay at the end of the day is for a parent to just listen. McBride discovered her passion for working with teens as volunteer in AmeriCorps. Placed in what at the time was considered the worst school in Washington, D.C., Shanterra found her calling in helping awkward, insecure, and misled “ducklings” turn into marvelous swans. Shanterra realized three main areas thwarting teen success and came up with unique ways to tackle each. First, every teen she met had body image issues —even before the days of Instagram and TikTok. While we often think of “body image” as a girl-specific issue, for young people going through puberty no one is exempt from having a complicated relationship with their body. At a time of such physical and obvious changes, there is already plenty for a teen to be self conscious about. Throw in an aunt’s comment to your daughter about her “new boobs” or an uncle’s tease directed at your son and his “puny muscles” and your teen might just want to run from the house screaming of embarrassment. Whether your teen is an early or late bloomer, as skinny as a stick or with extra jiggle, Shanterra explains that we need to get teens focusing on what their body can do, not just what it looks like. Different bodies can do different things and we can help our teens appreciate their own physicality by reminding them of this. Shanterra goes so far as to recommend telling your teen to spend some time looking at themself in the mirror—seriously! Before jumping to a judgment on this idea, consider that your teen should know and make their own decisions about their body before others tell them what to think and feel about your teen’s shape, size, or color. To lessen the already fraught feelings around our teens changing bodies, Shanterra prefers to use the word “jiggle.” She acknowledges such a silly sounding the word immediately disarms teens. And she insists that “jiggle” means a person’s whole body...not just the parts that can actually “jiggle”. Loving your jiggle then, is embracing your whole self and everything your body and mind can do as well as all the potential inside! What an incredible gift the power of a healthy self image is for teens. The second big issue teens face that Shanterra identifies revolves around friendships. She realized teens, particularly “new” teens look at friendship all wrong. Teens navigating the new and more intense social hierarchies of middle school and high school may lose sight of what friendship is truly about. Instead of choosing friends based on honesty, mutual respect, and shared interests for example, Shanterra saw adolescents making friends based on what relationships they thought would elevate them in the eyes of the group. Using relationships as a means to an end, like popularity, is not the lesson we want our teens to learn, particularly if we want them to become adults with healthy relationships. Although it’s difficult to watch a child struggle with friendship drama, parents can help nudge kids in the right direction. Shanterra suggests parents can step in by helping their teen pause to contemplate what characteristics would be good to have in a friend...and which characteristics your teen is putting forth. And when drama does happen, not jumping in and getting riled up, but pausing again to encourage contemplation instead of snap judgements. Of course, usually what a teen will want most is just an ear to listen, and maybe someone to talk things through with. Which brings us to the final issue of unmet needs in teens. The three needs are independence, connection, and mastery. We’ve already seen how with friendships teens might be struggling with connection. But what about independence and mastery? In our interview, Shanterra touches on how although our teens might still be “kids” in our eyes, they are ready for increased independence. Shanterra has seen so many teens worn out from being told what grades to get, what activities to do, when to get their chores done, who to be friends with, etc. To make sure your teen’s need for independence is met, give them age-appropriate responsibilities and consider collaborating on any household policies or rules. For example, together deciding on a curfew and what consequences there would be in the event the curfew is broken. Your teen needs to feel that they have some control over their own life. When it comes to mastery, Shanterra is referring to developing skills. As parents we should avoid rewarding our teen for simply “showing up”—after all, we don’t get paid to just “show up” to work, we have to do the work that is required of us. We should absolutely celebrate and congratulate our teens when they hit a goal or milestone, and we should absolutely be emphasizing the work they put in to get to those markers. You don’t have to win the championship trophy to have a met need of mastery—but you do need to perform and work hard in that final game if you plan on walking away with a sense of accomplishment. Throughout all this, it can be all to easy to forget that parents have needs too! Luckily to make things simple, they are the same as teens: independence, mastery (competence), and connection. Parents also need to feel that they have control over their life, are connected to others, and have something they are good or getting better at...which in some cases might be parenting! In this episode we cover:
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| 29 Mar 2020 | Ep 78: Winning Arguments | 00:23:14 | |
Stanley Fish, best-selling author and octogenarian, clues us into the intricacies of arguments: how argument is a more natural state; destructive arguments; how to get out of one; and much more! Grateful to be able to connect with the author of Winning Arguments and The First, Dr. Fish! Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation. Full show notes “I hate you! You never trust me to do anything on my own!” Your teen yells at you as they storm off to their room. Slam! Yeah, you probably won’t see her again until dinner. Exasperated and confused, you try to retrace the steps that led to this moment. Your teen came home in a good mood today, buoyed by news of a weekend getaway a friend is putting together. She walked in from school and mentioned it to you, hoping to gain immediate approval. When you asked her for more details about the trip, she grew defensive. She scoffed when you asked if a parent would be going, but you pressed for details. She grew defensive, saying that it didn’t matter if a parent would be there or not. However, the vacation home your teen plans to go to is over three hours away and you are apprehensive about something going wrong when the teens are so far away. Finally, you gave an ultimatum: no parent, no trip. That’s when all hell broke loose and you began to wonder how tense the dinner table might get later tonight. As a concerned parent, you want to know how to win an argument with a teenager. What strategies can parents use to win? And how can parents manage conflict without it turning to anger? In this episode of the Talking to Teens Podcast, Stanley Fish shares his research on how to win an argument with a teenager. Stanley has a long resume, highlighted by stints at UC Berkeley, Johns Hopkins and Florida International University. In addition to being a professor of humanities and law, he has written 19 books about everything from free speech to the science of arguments. Stanley’s book, Winning Arguments: What Works and Doesn’t Work in Politics, the Bedroom, the Courtroom, and the Classroom is perfect for parents who want to learn how to win an argument with a teenager. We delve into this book’s methods for parents and teens to keep arguments from spiraling into negativity. Stanley accomplishes this feat by teaching us the red flags of arguments so disagreements can be handled in a civil manner. Two Red Flags of Arguments Red Flag #1: The Ideological Impasse Parents struggling to figure out how to win an argument with a teenager need to know about the “Ideological Impasse. ” Here’s an example of what an “Ideological Impasse” is: Stanley mentioned the 2010s controversy surrounding the name of the NFL team in Washington, D.C.. Washington had carried the nickname of “Redskins” since their inception in 1932, but in the 2010s, protesters organized and called for the franchise to change their name. There were two sides to this dialogue. A) Protestors saw themselves as fighting the long history of racism. B) Ownership saw themselves as upholding free speech and tradition. Neither side was willing to give in to the other’s idea, thus forming an “Ideological Impasse.” They were fundamentally at odds and it took a decade of stalemate before either side could convince the other. Drawing out conflict is exactly what parents should avoid when they have a disagreement with their teens. Parents who want to learn how to win an argument with a teenager should avoid prolonged conflicts because it decreases the chance of a productive result of an argument. Solution: Bridging the Impasse Once you reach the point of an impasse, Stanly recommends that parents take a step back. One way a parent can figure out how to win an argument with a teenager and take a step back is to simply say, “I understand where you are coming from. But can we put this conversation on the shelf for now? I’d like to take some more time to think about this.” Making a statement that closes the argument while finding another time to pick up the conversation is a great way to de-escalate arguments. Declaring a ceasefire might not be easy, but it will preserve the feelings of parents and teenagers involved in the argument. This will stop the disagreement from spiraling out of control. This tip is important for parents who want to learn how to win an argument with a teenager because setting your terms for when an argument happens is like having a “home field advantage” in the argument. Taking a step back will also allow teens and parents a chance to reproach the issue under controlled circumstances. Here’s a way parents can do this: Instead of setting an ultimatum about the trip your daughter wants to go on, parents can pause the argument. Setting aside time to discuss this issue in a day or two will give parents time to prepare a controlled discussion as opposed to having an argument spiral out of control. On top of everything, the strategy of setting a later date and time will help parents who want to learn how to win an argument with a teenager because it lowers the probability of the dehumanization of the “other.” Red Flag #2: Dehumanization of the “Other” Stanley mentioned the dehumanization of the “other” as a natural point of advancement stemming from an ideological impasse. Essentially, when an argument between two parties is ratcheted up to an impasse, an emotional disconnect emerges between the opposing sides. Both sides will create an image of the “other” that is created for the sole purpose of being torn down. A perfect example of the dehumanization of the “other” can be found in the politics of the United States after the election of Donald Trump. On Democratic and Republican sides, images were created of the other party in order to discredit the values each promoted. An example of political dehumanization is: A) Democratic supporters were called out as communists. B) Republican supporters were called out as fascists. Essentially, both parties forgot that human beings existed behind the constructed images of the other group. This caused polarizing attacks instead of humans doing productive work to solve the problems of the country. Similarly, if parents and teens resort to dehumanization there is little chance anything productive comes of the argument. Ultimately, this will increase the challenges for parents who want to learn how to win an argument with a teenager. Solution: The “I” Statement The solution to dehumanization, and the answer to how to win an argument with a teenager, is to elicit “I” statements from the other person. Essentially, when an argument reaches the point of dehumanization, one side will receive pleasure from making the opposite side feel bad. A method to get an “I”... | |||
| 26 Jan 2020 | Ep 69: Happier Parenting | 00:20:54 | |
KJ Dell’Antonia, author of How to Be a Happier Parent, joins Andy for a look at how to get happier while parenting. It’s time for parents to stop thinking about their kids so much and get back to what makes them happy! Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation. Full show notes Remember the days when you’d lose your mind over kids drawing on the walls or refusing to eat the dinner you prepared for them? You might still experience the same headache with your teenager. But you put up with it because parenting is about loving your children, no matter what wild rides they put you through! However, parents so often put themselves before their children, but they can unintentionally neglect their own happiness. I don’t think parents should have to sacrifice their own happiness in order to be a successful parent and raise good kids. I think there’s a trick to simple happy parenting, and the best way to uncover it is to talk to the pros. In order to figure out the tricks to happy parenting, I called up KJ Dell’Antonia. KJ has been a parenting expert for the better part of a decade, and she has a wealth of knowledge about happy parenting. KJ is an accomplished author, having written first for Slate and then the New York Times. She hosts a parenting podcast with Jessica Lahey, and she is also about to publish her first novel! In addition to her personal career, KJ is an accomplished parent. She has raised four kids, and much of her parenting experience has fed her career as a writer. Her most recent book on parenting, How to Be a Happier Parent: Raising a Family, Having a Life, and Loving (Almost) Every Minute of It, is an awesome resource that I myself love. This week, KJ helps me investigate methods to happier parenting. The Situation It’s a hectic Sunday afternoon. You’ve been running around all weekend, going from activity to activity. Two of your teens have soccer tournaments, and both are inconveniently located on opposite sides of town. If either one goes to overtime, you’ll be late to your third teen’s spring musical at the high school theater. You’re exhausted, and you still need to figure out dinner. In the attempt to keep up with all of your teen’s activities, you hardly had a moment to catch your breath. In these moments of exhaustion, it can be so easy to feel discouraged when facing the world. But what strategies can you use to achieve simple happy parenting? While she was editor for the New York Times, she wanted to share a piece on simple happy parenting. She decided to come up with a list of solutions that would make her feel happier as a parent. However, she quickly realized that she did not have enough time in the day to invest in “happy parenting” methods and needed to pivot her approach. Instead of adding new activities to boost happiness like yoga, 2-hour runs, or hot stone massages, she needed to be taking stuff off her plate. Parenting is crazy enough, so reducing her hectic schedule is what helped KJ unlock the trick to happy parenting. The key to happy parenting is finding ways to make parenting less stressful. This proves to be a beneficial strategy, and sparked inspiration for How to Be a Happier Parent. The “Ground Rule” Solution KJ decided that the easiest way to make parenting less stressful was to create ground rules for certain parts of family life. This made expectations clear for everyone, and in turn reduced the general chaos of family life. One solution KJ created was a set of five ground rules for dinner because she found it difficult to make a meal without one of her children complaining. Here’s one in action: Rule #1: At KJ’s table, everyone in her family has to accept everything on their plate. Before this rule, it was relatively common for one of her children to reject the food presented to them outright. In response, KJ said that everyone had to accept the food that is given to them. Whether or not everyone likes the food is up to them, but her teens can’t ask for a whole ‘nother meal to be made especially for them. Implementing this rule was great, KJ says, because it helped reduce her stress at the end of long days. As she implemented this strategy of creating simple ground rules, KJ quickly found that this strategy wouldn’t work in every situation. Another example she mentioned to me was getting dirty dishes in the dishwasher. One of her daughters would put her dishes in the dishwasher every time, and never needed a parent to stand over her shoulder to make sure things got in place. Contrarily, KJ’s other daughter would chronically forget that the dishwasher ever existed. She would leave dirty dishes around all the time, and rarely get them in the dishwasher unless KJ was on her case about it. In situations like these, KJ told me that sometimes there is nothing you can do to create happy parenting. Ultimately, the trick for parents is that they need to be resilient about asking teens to complete tasks. It is a great help when they are done correctly, and these skills are things they will remember for the rest of their lives. Some teens will have no problem following rules, but others might need to be reminded on a daily basis. It might take a year of moving your kid’s dirty dishes to their bedroom for them to actually remember to clean them on their own! But, don’t give up hope. You can’t expect teens to be perfect because progress doesn’t happen overnight. However, with the right guidance, the “ground rule” solution will help good behaviors become muscle memory to them. Over-Involvement Another strategy for simple happy parenting that KJ mentions is to avoid getting over-involved with your kids’ lives. Surprisingly, over-involvement is a common issue among fathers who fixate on their teenagers’ performance in sports. It is easy for these parents to get carried away with their teens’ lives because they want to be supportive and helpful, but it can be harmful for both the parent and the teen. Unfortunately, over-involvement in cheering for your teen has negative side-effects. One downside to over-involvement is that parents can lose sight of themselves. If parents lose sight of themselves, they might also lose sight of happy parenting. It is important that parents make sacrifices for their kids, but not to the extent that they are constantly unhappy or unable to focus on themselves. When you lose focus on yourself, your happiness can become dependent on what you are focusing on. If a father is constantly focused on his teen’s high school batting average, the teen might think Dad’s happiness is based on athletic performance. On one hand, it puts extra pressure on the teenager. On the other, basing a father-son relationship on something as insignificant as a high school batting average is unhealthy for everyone. It doesn’t make sense for a father (or anyone) to be happy only when their son is having a good day on the field. Teenagers should not be expected to bear the brunt of someone else’s happiness! Parents can avoi... | |||
| 22 May 2022 | Ep 191: Pushing Teens to Their Full Potential | 00:27:33 | |
Anthony Lynch, author of No Limits, comes on the show to explain how the right mindset can help teens reach their full potential. Plus, how teens can find their purpose and passion. Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation. Full show notes Kids tend to have big dreams…but are constantly told to be more “realistic.” When they say they want to be an astronaut, pop star, or professional athlete, we might lightly suggest they pick a safer option. Have they thought about accounting? What about coding? Maybe they should just stick with something stable and consistent, and stop trying to disrupt the status quo. But what if we could step outside of our limited way of thinking to see infinite possibilities for our teens? What if, by striving for the seemingly impossible, our teens may just exceed everyone’s wildest expectations? If they’re dedicated, persistent, and hardworking enough, they may be able to accomplish something extraordinary. This week, we’re discussing how letting go of limits might be the key to truly successful teens. Joining us is Anthony Lynch, author of No Limits: How to Build an Unstoppable Mindset. Anthony is a certified fitness professional who focuses on youth athletic performance training, as well as a bestselling lifestyle and fitness author. In his work he helps both kids and adults reach mental, physical and financial prosperity. In our interview, he’s helping parents see how a strong mindset can propel teens into the life of their dreams! In the episode, Anthony explains why it’s critical for your teen to have a “high-agency mindset.” Plus, we discuss why physical health is a jumping-off point for success in all areas, and how we can help teens grapple with big dreams and find their life’s purpose.
When teens have big, wild ambitions, people tend to try and talk them out of it…parents included! Of course we want to see our teens successful, but we’re also scared to see them fail–so we encourage them to stick to safe and small goals, for fear that they’ll bite off more than they can chew. But Anthony says that it’s the teens who can strive for what they want despite naysayers that will truly find success. He calls this a “high-agency mindset”– the idea teens might trust their dreams more than their critics. When someone tells these teens their ideas are impossible, they don’t just give up and go for something simpler, they continue to work towards their goal in spite of others’ opinions! The teens who choose to persevere are the ones who’ll really find success, says Anthony. While most people allow fear of failure to hold them back, those with a high agency mindset rise to the challenge. However, some teens have the confidence to defy critics…but lack the clarity, Anthony explains. They want to aim for greatness in something, but they’re just not sure what they’re passionate about yet! Without passion, people tend to get bored, disengaged or frustrated with their goals, leading them to give up at the first sign of trouble. But if teens are working towards something they truly care about, they’ll have a reason to show up everyday to do the work! If teens want to cultivate a strong mental capacity, Anthony believes that they’ll have to simultaneously build up their physical strength! In the episode, we’re talking about how we can get teens off their phones and out the door to get some exercise. How Physical Wellness Creates Mental Stability When we watch Olympic athletes dominate the competition, we know that it's more than just brute strength that makes them such good players. It’s also mental power–how they use strategic information and determination to masterfully defeat their opponents. Anthony explains that life works the same way. Being mentally strong helps us strategize and conquer life’s challenges, but being physically active helps us stay happy, confident and focused. By combining the power of both, we can reach our full potential. For some teens, physical activity isn’t exactly the top priority. They’re more concerned with scrolling on Instagram or playing games on Discord than they are with their physical health! With the pandemic forcing us all to stay inside, teens have become a bit more inclined to lie in bed on the weekends when they could be out in the world, riding a skateboard or hitting the gym. In the episode, Anthony and I discuss how annoying it can be for parents to constantly beg teens over and over to get out and get some exercise. Anthony recommends helping teens find some kind of physical activity that gets them excited! For some teens, it could be hiking, for others, it might be playing basketball with friends down the street. These activities won’t just help teens be physically healthier, but also encourage them to set new goals, like winning a weekend pickup game or setting a personal best! When they put in the hard work to achieve these goals, they’ll learn an important lesson about what it takes to go above and beyond in the quest for greatness. So your teen has cultivated the physical and mental strength that’s necessary for success…but do they know how to set a goal or what steps to take to reach the top? Anthony and I are talking about how we can help teens orient themselves by asking the right questions and setting concrete goals.
To help teens define their goals, Anthony recommends asking them some big questions. Questions like: if you could change one thing in the world, what would it be? Or: if you had all the money, time and resources possible, what would you do? These questions help teens begin thinking about who they are and what they want to accomplish in their life. Anthony encourages you to sit down and do this with your teen, asking yourself the same questions! It might bring the two of you together–and help teens see that they’re not the only ones still figuring it all out. In the episode, Anthony and I talk all about creating vision boards, and how you can do it with your kids at home! This involves taking a piece of cork board or poster board and putting pictures, quotes, inspirational people and more on the front. These boards are a way for your teen to visualize and materialize their wildest ambitions, and then have a physical reminder of them everyday! But how can teens take these general ambitions and turn them into reality? Anthony suggests starting with a mission statement. This is a direct statement of what exactly your teens’ plan is and how they intend to go through with it! For example, if your teen plans to lose weight, their mission statement might state how many pounds they aim to lose and in what time frame. They could add specific actions they’ll take to do it, like running twice a week or eating less junk food. This propels teens from just dreaming to actually doing! In the Episode…. Anthony’s perspective on motivation is fascinating, and can be helpful to both teens and parents! On top of the topics discussed above, we also talk about:
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| 19 Dec 2021 | Ep 169: How Early Could Your Teen Retire? | 00:30:22 | |
Dan Sheeks, author of First to a Million, gives us a run-down of what early financial independence could look like for your teen and how they can get started on their journey. It’s not about making enough money to laze around all day—it’s about having more options. Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation. Full show notes
You may know a thing or two about assets, but did you know there are two different kinds? Dan explains in the episode the difference between false assets and real assets. No, false assets are not a scam...although they may cause you to lose money over time! False assets are assets that depreciate in value, meaning that by the time you sell them, they might not be worth as much as you bought them for. A car is a good example. Dan tells us in the interview about the incredible value of real assets over fake ones.
Dan doesn’t believe in budgeting. Well, ok, he’s not against it...but in the interview, he explains that it’s wiser to track expenses then create a fixed limit for doling out funds. When we create spending limits, we too often tend to start thinking of them as spending goals...and then we find ourselves going out to dinner one last time before the end of the month just to fulfill our $100 restaurant budget! Instead, he suggests we look at how much we naturally spend and see where we can cut down.
If you’re looking for some seriously sound financial advice for your family, this is the episode for you! On top of the topics discussed above, we talk about:
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| 01 Dec 2019 | Ep 61: Is Your Teen's Brain-Body Type Causing Problems? | 00:26:59 | |
Dr. Robert Keith Wallace, author of Dharma Parenting and an expert in the physiology-psychology connection, joins us for a lively discussion on how your teen's (and your) brain-body type may be affecting your relationship. Dr. Wallace clues us into the scientifically backed Ayurvedic doshas - vata, pitta, and kapha - and how to deal with each type. Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation. Full show notes Parents Just Don’t Understand Maybe you love that your teen is a free spirit who dances to the beat of their own drum—but would it kill them to not leave every room in complete shambles? Maybe you love that your teen is so laid-back and easy going—until you leave them at home all day to finish their essay and when you return, they’re still watching TV and haven’t even written a word. Of course you love your teen with every fiber of your being, but that doesn’t mean you love everything they do. You want to encourage your kids to follow their instincts and be themselves but you get so exasperated when they insist on doing things the exact opposite way you would. Any attempt at understanding the teenage brain seems laughable and impossible. Every teenager is different, some let rejection roll off their back and others burst into tears when you give them the tiniest bit of criticism. Maybe all it takes for your daughter to get over a breakup is a fun filled day of shopping at the mall. But for your son, a breakup may send him into a spiral that’ll take him weeks to get out of. They might not believe it, you were once the same hormonal, moody, and angsty teenager as they are. But was understanding the teenage brain this difficult for your parents? How do your teens have half your DNA yet react to things so differently? What if there was a way of understanding the teenage brain that could make miscommunications between you and your teen obsolete (or at least a lot less frequent). Seem impossible? According to Dr. Robert Keith Wallace, it’s not. Wallace is the author of Dharma Parenting: Understand Your Child’s Brilliant Brain for Greater Happiness, Health, Success, and Fulfillment. He is a pioneer in physiology of consciousness research and has published work in the American Journal of Physiology and Scientific American. Along with his research in physiology, Wallace has studied the ancient Indian practice of Ayurveda for decades and has incorporated his findings into his book. Wallace is an expert in brain-body connections and has some excellent tips on understanding the teenage brain and stopping triggers that may be provoking your teen and you. Multiple Personalities Wallace states that understanding the teenage brain using Ayurvedic practices requires you to know three main brain-body types: pitta, vata, and kapha. These are essentially personality types that dictate how people behave in different situations. Pittas are the quintessential type-A personality; they are driven, regimented, and competitive. They prefer to be in charge and don’t like to be unprepared. Vata personalities are quite the opposite; they’re free-spirited, creative, adaptable, and adventurous. They’re often the life of the party and aren’t huge fans of staying on a schedule. Kaphas are easy going, even-keeled, affectionate, and reliable. They’re textbook Type-B personalities that are easy to get along with but can easily fade into the background in social settings. Knowing these three brain-body types are beneficial in understanding the teenage brain because identifying your teen’s type and your type will make it easier to manage daily life and resolve conflicts. Dr. Wallace can help you identify your teen’s brain-body type through his own experiences with his teens. He recognizes the telltale signs that you might not notice in your family to help you understand how these temperaments really look. After figuring out your teen’s brain-body type, you can better identify the triggers that cause them to be upset. For example, your pitta teen is furious at a boy for canceling on them last minute to go to the movies. You think “What’s the big deal, can’t they just reschedule?” Upon further reflection of their brain-body type you come to realize that pitta’s are the type to maintain a strict schedule. They are diligent about getting their school work done and want to make sure all their ducks are in a row before doing something fun and frivolous. They’re not the type to simply blow off their homework and go to the movies—and the fact that this boy told your teen last minute “Hey, I have a thing tonight and I gotta bail. You get it, right?” has put their whole night out of whack. Understanding the teenage brain by knowing your teen’s brain-body type can make it a lot easier to determine what your teen is actually upset about, especially if you are a different type yourself. Wallace states that the next step in understanding the teenage brain is helping your teens get along with people of alternate brain-body types. Say your daughter’s a kapha. She’s sensitive and empathetic, calm in times when everyone else is stressed, and she seems to take everything in stride. On the other hand, your son’s a vata. He’s always up for adventure, loves sharing his ideas with anyone who’ll listen, and he’s always brightening your day with his sunny disposition. As wonderful as they might be on their own, your daughter and son’s different brain-body types may cause them to butt heads. Conflict can arise when your son pressures your daughter to go to a loud concert that she feels totally out of place in. Or if your daughter forces her brother to stay in all night watching a TV marathon when he’d so rather be at the amusement park. To resolve conflicts like this, Wallace urges parents’ to act as moderators in their children’s interactions. For example, if you have a kapha child you need to make sure they have a voice in conversations, since they often let others overshadow them. For vata’s, let them speak first, so they can get all their energy and crazy ideas out of the way. For pitta’s, who tend to dominate conversations, urge them to hear out other people’s ideas before sharing their own opinions. Wallace provides other techniques for creating a harmonious balance amongst the different brain-body types in the episode. The Right Type of Attention In addition to understanding the teenage brain and identifying the three main brain-body types, Wallace also discusses the importance of identifying the difference between the right and the wrong type of attention you give to your teens. Teens need positive affirmations, support, and someone to confide in. They don’t need a parent who is judgmental, hard to please, and who puts too much pressure on them. This type of negative attention can create a lack of confidence in teens and can make them believe that they are incapable of ever achieving success, which is oftentimes the opposite effect parents intended to have on their children. Wallace says though hard, there is a way for teens to recover from negative experiences and rebuild their self esteem. To hear his solution for overcoming teen abuse, tun... | |||
| 26 Nov 2023 | Ep 267: Neurodivergent Teens and Communication | 00:28:10 | |
Chris Martin, author of May Tomorrow Be Awake, speaks on the concept of neurodiversity, and how parents can encourage teenagers to be their unique selves, rather than trying to pass as "normal." Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation. Full Show Notes We all want our kids to feel “normal”, to fit in with their peers and the culture around them. But what if normal isn’t all it’s cracked up to be? What if we’ve defined “normal” too narrowly, and left a lot of beautiful minds out of the picture? Our guest today, Chris Martin, is encouraging us to take a closer look at the concept of neurotypicality. As a poet and advocate who has worked with autistic writers for over 20 years, Chris has come to see neurodivergence as a creative superpower rather than a deficit. So what does it mean to be “neurodivergent”? Why is neurodiversity so poorly understood? And how we can nurture the neurodiverse minds all around us--both in our kids and in ourselves? Introducing Chris Martin To explore those questions, we’re speaking with Chris Martin, poet and Executive Director of UnRestricted Interest, an arts organization for neurodivergent writers. Chris is himself neurodivergent, with ADHD. In his book “May Tomorrow Be Awake”, Chris details his experiences working with nonspeaking autistic poets. He shares their incredible insights while reframing common misconceptions about autism--like the notion that autistic people “lack empathy.” Drawing on his background, we’ll be discussing:
Autism’s Upsides Autism comes with plenty of challenges, but also some incredible strengths...if we choose to see them. As Chris explains, many autistic traits have a positive flipside when reframed. What’s seen as a “restricted interest” can also be viewed as a passionate devotion to a subject, while sensory sensitivity connects autistic people to the environment in profound ways. Chris even explains how synesthesia--common in autistics--may have given rise to metaphor and poetry. Understanding how autistic minds work differently is key to valuing their contributions. Neurodivergence itself shouldn’t be the problem--the problem is a culture that refuses to accommodate it. Masking Our True Selves
He explains how as a child, he trained himself to perform neurotypicality out of fear of bullying. Monitoring himself constantly to fit in was exhausting, and separated him from his true identity. The good news is that for the next generation, culture is already changing. Chris’s neurodivergent son hasn’t experienced the bullying Chris once did. But for those of us who grew up masking, unlearning those habits is tough. Through his work, however, Chris has found his way back to himself--and wants to help others do the same. Embracing Our Shared Neurodiversity One takeaway from Chris’s book is that since we all have diverse minds and bodies, disability is a universal human experience. We can’t predict or eliminate it--we have to accommodate for it. Likewise, we all exist on a spectrum of neurodivergence. Though some people seem more neurotypical than others, it’s partly an act, Chris argues--we’re all suppressing or enhancing certain natural tendencies to conform. Kids start out accepting of their own and others’ neurodivergence. But at some point, we teach them to hide it. What if instead, we could preserve that spirit of openness, and build a culture that embraces each mind and body? A world that celebrates neurodiversity is one that would benefit us all--one that’s more creative, more thoughtful and more humane. Chris and his autistic friends are illuminating the path. Additional Topics:
Don’t miss this thought-provoking discussion! To hear more from Chris, check out his book “May Tomorrow Be Awake” or visit unrestrictedinterest.com. Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation. | |||
| 04 Aug 2024 | Ep 300: Favorite Clips in Review! | 00:34:46 | |
Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation. Welcome to Episode 300! For this week’s episode, we’re sharing some of our clips from our favorite episodes. This is material previously reserved for members, but we liked it so much we want to share it with everyone. Thank you to all our listeners for sticking with us over the past six-plus years! We are grateful for your support and look forward to the next hundred episodes!! Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation. | |||
| 14 Apr 2019 | Ep 40: Learning and Study Strategies | 00:20:24 | |
Ulrich Boser, author of "Learn Better" and "The Leap", discusses the latest research on the science of learning strategies and reveals how you can help your teen to adopt proven study techniques for accelerating academic performance with less effort. Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation. Full show notes When a teenager is constantly getting bad grades or failing to grasp course material, it’s hard to watch as a parent. It’s difficult to see them struggle to learn as well or as fast as their peers. We especially don’t want our kids to fall behind or get discouraged. Poor learning skills in the teen years can negatively impact grades, but failing to improve those skills can lead to greater disadvantages further into adulthood. This is why learning strategies for teens are so important! We want our kids to be happy, well-adjusted members of society, not those struggling to keep up. Luckily, there are tried and true learning strategies for teens that can guide our kids towards being more effective learners. Our guest today is Ulrich Boser, the author of the book Learn Better: Mastering the Skills for Success in Life, Business, and School, Or, How to Become an Expert in Just About Anything. In the episode, Ulrich shines light on common misconceptions most people have about learning and several great learning strategies for teens we can use today. Ulrich writes from the heart, as the inspiration for the book came from his own childhood. He struggled a lot in school, as he needed to repeat kindergarten and was placed into special education classes. Due to his difficulty keeping up with class, he always assumed he was going to be less successful than the classmates who excelled beyond him. However, as he began thinking critically about the process of learning itself, he discovered how he could become much more capable of retaining knowledge. He took his ideas about learning strategies for teens and put them into the book. Ulrich describes a serious problem we have in today’s education system. He says we tend to sort people into two categories: good learners and bad learners. We shouldn’t be doing this, however, as research shows that we all have pretty much the same learning abilities. Rather than labeling them as unintelligent, we should be providing individualized learning strategies for teens who struggle in school. One of the many learning strategies for teens that we discuss is the importance of physical learning. For example, we can greatly benefit from using hand motions to remember pieces of information. Although it may look peculiar, try helping your teen create a tapping motion that goes along with the information they are expected to memorize. Then, have them perform that same hand motion while being tested. This surprising technique can help them recall information much faster and with more accuracy. Quizzing is another one of the effective learning strategies for teens I loved hearing about during this interview! Quizzing means testing your teen on the material they are learning. This is already a popular technique, so it’s good to know that it’s actually helpful. In fact, Ulrich says it’s one of the most effective techniques you can use! Even better, says Ulrich, is having teens repeat ideas to themselves without notes. If you can recall the information at hand without any reference, you will be more successful in remembering it for the long term. Practicing new learning strategies doesn’t mean your teen isn’t smart already. Instead, it shows that they are dedicated to learning and adapting, even when things are challenging. Albert Einstein, one of the most brilliant men in history, struggled with basic tasks like tying his shoes and telling time. He had to learn certain strategies to adapt, and it was likely the development of those strategies that helped him become the brilliant innovator we all know. By researching and understanding learning strategies for teens, our kids can be just as brilliant as Einstein! When it comes to learning strategies for teens, it’s good for them to distribute their learning over long periods of time, as Ulrich notes. As we’ve been told over and over, cramming for tests doesn’t work. If they try to learn everything in one night, their brains will simply not retain the information very well. Instead, by spreading out their studying over long periods of time, they can give their learning a boost. Speaking of long term planning, Ulrich and I discuss how planning and goal setting can be helpful learning strategies for teens. This is especially true for teenagers in the modern day who have to juggle more than just school. Most teens are also involved in sports, extracurriculars, college applications, social media, complicated social circles, or a million other things. Ulrich speaks on the idea that if they’re feeling stressed and overwhelmed, teens simply don’t learn as well. By planning and setting specific deadlines for themselves, they can help section out their responsibilities so we’re not exhausted. Along with sharing strategies for success, Ulrich also debunks common learning strategies that don’t work as well as we think they do. For example, Ulrich mentions research on reading has shown that highlighting certain phrases doesn’t help our brains retain information. The widely-accepted theory of learning styles (visual, written, or auditory), is also not scientifically accurate. These are very common misconceptions, and it’s important to learn that they are not effective learning strategies for teens. Instead, focus on quizzing, physical learning, and other scientifically-backed methods Ulrich shares in our conversation. Ulrich says that our behaviors as parents have a significant influence on our teen’s behaviors through a psychological process called “modeling.” Modeling means, if we exhibit good learning strategies, our teens will do the same. For example, research shows that parents who are math anxious--meaning doing math makes them uncomfortable to the point where they avoid it--are likely to pass the same tendency onto their children. Additionally, Ulrich encourages parents to share their own experience of struggling with learning to help kids contextualize and understand their own difficulties. If you can talk to them about what you’ve been through, they won’t feel so embarrassed or discouraged about their own struggles. Maybe you’ve always found writing essays particularly hard, but because it was difficult for you, you adapted and learned new strategies. By sharing this breakthrough with your teenager, you might help them adapt for their own situation. Also in this episode, we discuss:
These ideas about learning and other learning strategies for teens are discussed in tod... | |||
| 26 May 2024 | Ep 291: Parenting a "Problem Child" | 00:24:16 | |
Kristina Kuzmic, author of I Can Fix This and Other Lies I Told Myself While Parenting My Struggling Child, shares personal insights on handling teen depression, substance use, and the importance of connection over control in parent-child relationships. Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation. Full Show Notes Parenting a struggling teen comes with challenges that can often feel insurmountable. Whether you're facing issues like lying, substance use, tantrums, or even violence and aggression, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed and at a loss for solutions. Understanding how to foster an environment where your child feels seen and supported—despite the chaos—can make a significant difference in both your lives. When Kristin Kuzmic's son began showing signs of severe depression and substance use during his teen years, she embarked on a journey to understand, support, and ultimately help him heal. Her story, detailed in her latest book, I Can Fix This and Other Lies I Told Myself While Parenting My Struggling Child, offers a wealth of knowledge for parents in similar situations. Joining us on the show today, Kristina explains how her initial reluctance about sharing her journey turned into a powerful testimony of the strength and resilience required to parent a struggling child. With her son’s blessing and contribution, the book became a crucial resource for parents dealing with similar issues. Identifying Signs of Struggle Kristina noticed her son's change in behavior around age 12—what began as typical teenage mood swings escalated into serious signs of depression. From isolating behaviors to violent outbursts, Kristina's home became a battleground. Persistent therapy sessions seemed futile until the deeper issues at play were properly identified as clinical depression. Recognizing that these behaviors are symptoms of deeper issues, not simple teenage rebellion, was a vital step in addressing his struggles. Connection Over Control A theme that permeates Kristina’s approach is the necessity of connection over control. She emphasizes that the first instinct of many parents—controlling behavior—is often counterproductive. Instead, she advocates for a connection-driven approach, focusing on truly understanding your child’s individual struggles and needs. Practical steps like using grounding techniques and calming your own responses to their actions can open up channels for genuine communication and support. The Power of Showing Up Throughout Luca’s most troubling times, Kristina maintained a constant presence in his life, even when he tried pushing her away. This persistent showing up helped build a foundation of trust that eventually allowed her son to turn to her in his moments of deepest need. This approach is a testament to the importance of being physically and emotionally present, even when it feels like you're not making a difference. Navigating the Maze of Mental Health Support From psychiatric care to residential treatment centers, Kristina and her family navigated the complex mental health system. She shares valuable advice on making these decisions and finding the right support systems while emphasizing the importance of consent and involvement from the struggling teen. The Overlooked "Good" Child While dealing with a struggling child, it’s easy to overlook siblings who appear to be coping well. Kristina warns parents against this oversight, sharing how her daughter suffered silently while maintaining a facade of stability. Ensuring that all children in a family receive the attention and support they need, regardless of apparent signs of distress, is crucial. Self-Care is Not Selfish Kristina discusses the often neglected topic of parental self-care. Facing the immense emotional toll of supporting a struggling teen, parents might feel guilty for any self-indulgence or personal time. However, Kristina argues that taking care of oneself is also an essential part of being an effective, compassionate parent. Both her anecdotal experiences and the transformative advice from her friend Zach highlight that parents maintaining their personal well-being inadvertently lift a significant burden off their children. Communicate Clearly, Even with a Spouse Another key element Kristina found beneficial was maintaining open communication with her spouse through daily emails. This practice allowed them to express emotions and concerns without confrontation, resulting in a stronger partnership and a united front in dealing with their son’s struggles. In the Episode... Throughout our conversation, Kristina offers profound wisdom and practical advice for parents dealing with similar challenges. Other topics we cover include: - How to address violent behavior stemming from depression - Strategies for creating a trust-based rather than control-based relationship - How enforcing too much consistency may actually be counterproductive - How to spot signs of hidden depression in “good” kids If you are a parent, guardian, or anyone concerned about a struggling teen, you won't want to miss this episode. Kristina Kuzmic’s book, I Can Fix This and Other Lies I Told Myself While Parenting My Struggling Child, provides a deeply personal yet universally valuable account. For more updates, Kristina can be found on social media under @KristinaKuzmic. Don’t forget to share and subscribe for more insightful episodes like this one! Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation. | |||
| 27 Feb 2022 | Ep 179: Are We Setting Kids Up to Fail? | 00:30:07 | |
Shane Trotter, author of Setting the Bar, sits down with us to discuss how our technology-obsessed, individualistic culture might be holding our teens back from reaching their full potential. Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation. Full show notes Times are changing—and so are teens. The introduction of technology to each aspect of everyday life has fundamentally altered the way teens act, think, and experience the world. Our education system is not the same as it was 20 years ago, and it’s shaping our teens dramatically. Our culture has changed, pushing teens to become more individualistic than ever before. For better or for worse, growing up has become an entirely different experience than the one many of us are familiar with. For kids, this new world has benefits…but also serious drawbacks. Young people are more connected than ever. They’ve got comforts and conveniences that we never could have dreamt of in our teen years. But rates of teen depression and anxiety are skyrocketing, and many kids feel like they aren’t prepared for the brutal reality of adulthood! For parents watching the world change, it can be nerve-wracking to wonder how we’ll help teens manage. To understand how our kids can navigate it all, we’re talking to Shane Trotter, author of Setting the Bar: Preparing Our Kids to Thrive in an Era of Distraction, Dependency, and Entitlement. As an educator, writer and parent himself, Shane has found himself observing some seriously concerning behavior from teens–behavior he feels is motivated by the forces of our evolving world. Today, he’s helping us see how we can give kids a fighting chance at a successful life! In our interview, we’re discussing the fierce individualism of our modern culture, and its effects on growing teens. We’re also discussing bullying, and the surprising reasons why Shane thinks we shouldn’t stop it from happening. Plus, we’re covering where our school system is missing its chance to truly prepare teens for the world ahead.
We want kids to be their best selves…but what happens when self-improvement becomes self obsession? Shane believes many teens are headed down this path–not because they're inherently selfish, but because our culture puts self-interest above all else! Social media constantly bombards teens with advertisements and influencers telling teens they NEED to get the newest clothes or try the trendiest fitness craze. Over time, teens can become so consumed by consumerism that they turn a blind eye to the possibility of helping others. But serving others is often the key to happiness, says Shane. Although material gain or changes to our appearance might help us feel good about ourselves, working towards a greater purpose is ultimately the way to a happy existence, he explains. Teens today run the risk of living unfulfilled lives, especially if we are constantly encouraging them to strive only for their own happiness, says Shane. In the episode, Shane and I talk further about encouraging our kids to work towards the betterment of others. In our discussion about culture, Shane and I also touch on the difference between honor cultures and dignity cultures. Honor cultures push people towards accomplishment, he explains, by rewarding them for their achievements. In a world full of easy digital rewards and distractions, encouraging teens to seek true accomplishment can have a lot of benefits. However, Shane also acknowledges the toxicity of pushing kids towards constant achievement. We also discuss the positive attributes of dignity culture–believing every human has intrinsic value and dignity without needing to prove it. In our interview, we’re talking about how we can take the best parts of each to create balance. As our culture and technology has evolved, one particular issue that’s taken center stage is bullying–whether it’s online or IRL. Interestingly, Shane doesn’t believe bullying is always a bad thing.
We’ve been working towards ending bullying in schools for quite a while…but what is bullying, exactly? Is it physical, verbal or digital? Is a fight between two students bullying? What if it’s an anonymous online post? The lack of subjectivity in defining what bullying really is can be a big problem, says Shane. As we crack down more and more on bullying, our definition of it becomes increasingly lenient, to the point where we might consider any kid to be a bully, Shane explains. And being marked as a bully can be pretty harmful. Most of the time, kids who are harsh to others at school are behaving this way as a result of patterns in their home life. Instead of labeling kids as a threat, we should be examining the nuances of what causes them to bully or harass others, Shane says. Kids marked as bullies tend to develop a dislike of going to school or feel vindictive towards their teachers and classmates, says Shane. Plus, Shane believes the effects of bullying might be less detrimental than we often think. Kids are going to be up against a lot as they get older, and they aren’t going to have adults around to sort everything out. If we’re constantly intervening to fix teens’ social problems, we might be doing them a disservice. We could be keeping them from developing the conflict resolution skills and resilience they are going to need to survive romantic relationships, the workplace, and life in general! As an educator, attitudes around bullying aren’t the only problem Shane sees in schools.
Are schools really teaching kids what they need to know? One of the biggest problems in today’s school system is that it has become too outcome oriented, says Shane. Instead of putting emphasis on increasing knowledge, they’ve become overly obsessed with metrics, ratings, college acceptance statistics and making sure every kid “passes.” Schools are often giving out easy As to simply move kids through the system without really challenging them, says Shane. Shane explains that this problem has been worsening because teachers are under too much stress to accommodate every student! Some students have learning disabilities or are disadvantaged, meaning they may not be able to keep up to pace with the rest of the students. This means that teachers often have to lower the difficulty of material. But because they don't have the facilities to create and keep track of lesson plans for each student, the whole class has to adjust to this drop in difficulty, says Shane. This means kids are often not pushed or even taught at their own level! Schools are also trying to keep up with the technological times, but often miss the mark. The use of Ipads and laptops in the classroom can encourage a culture of dependence on screens that’s already a problem for so many! In the episode, Shane and I talk about the rise in mental illness and drug addiction in teens, and how much of it may be tied to teens who are too attached to screens or who feel incredibly stressed, blocked in or even just bored by modern schooling.
It’s always so refreshing to hear from educators and learn how we can build a better system for our teens to grow... | |||
| 26 Apr 2020 | Ep 82: An Unconventional Education | 00:26:40 | |
Tony Wagner, educator and author of several books, most recently his memoir Learning by Heart, joins us this week for a closer look at what really makes a difference in the education of teens. What makes the greatest positive impact on students? How an unconventional education can be advantageous? Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation. Full show notes What do you want your child to learn in school? Do you want your teen to learn math, science, grammar, and maybe another language? Sure! Why not? But, do these subjects cover all of human potential? What if your teen doesn’t care about the stuff we learn in traditional classrooms? Encouraging a teenager to study can be the hardest job in the world when school isn’t teaching them anything useful. (Did that get a raised eyebrow from you?) “But school is important!” you say. You want your kid to practice self-discipline, curiosity, and thoughtful conversations in school, but that doesn’t always happen. The sad reality is that the American school system prioritizes “subjects,” not life skills. When students don’t view their education as life skills, they can become unengaged, uninterested, and dispassionate about learning. Encouraging a teenager to study math is fruitless when that teenager thinks he’ll never use math skills outside of school. You might have a dozen conversations about the value of understanding mathematics, but they are likely a waste of energy for you and your teen if your teen doesn’t care. If our education system isn’t prioritizing the specific life skills teens need to pursue their passions, what can parents and teachers do to compensate? Thankfully, this conversation has been going on for awhile, and there are a lot of strategies for encouraging a teenager to study that have been battle tested. In this episode, I have the honor and privilege of speaking to the brilliant and prolific author of seven books, including three best sellers: Tony Wagner. Tony has been wrestling with America’s education system for over 50 years, starting when he was in high school. He’s spent 20 years in different faculties at Harvard University and currently is an internationally sought after speaker and teacher. I was so excited to get the opportunity to talk about his life story as depicted in his most recent book and memoir, Learning by Heart: An Unconventional Education. Tony’s Story Tony’s bio sounds impressive, right? Maybe not what you would expect from a high school dropout and two-time college dropout. Like many teenagers zoning out in school today, Tony is an incredibly smart person, but was bored to death in the classroom. If Tony wanted to get something done, it wouldn’t happen in the classroom for credit. Tony liked to read, but he never read any book on the class reading list because he thought teachers ruined the stories for him! He also liked to write, but his high school English teacher was verbally abusive. To get better at writing, Tony sought out another teacher at the school to tutor him instead. He met with this teacher weekly in their free time. What this teacher did has since defined Tony’s idea of a Great Teacher. He taught Tony as an INDIVIDUAL. Every week, this teacher would identify a specific strength in Tony’s writing, and then give some other suggestions to supplement that strength. When his school-assigned English teacher later cursed him out and called him a “F***-up” in front of his friends, Tony dropped out of high school. Since the 1960s, our school system has changed for the better in some ways, but not all. Today there could be serious reprimands for a teacher cursing a student out. But there still aren’t measures to ensure that all kids get the experience Tony had from the other English teacher. Teachers might be held more accountable now, but there hasn’t been a notable uptick in Great Teacher experiences. Seeing Students as Individuals Encouraging a teenager to study means encouraging that teenager to study. The interests one teenager wants to study can, and should, be different from what the next teenager wants to study! Tony’s goal isn’t to go after teachers here. He just wants to point out that you can’t individualize students with the current “batch processing” structure of education. Encouraging a teenager to study the same stuff all the other students are studying neglects the fact that teenagers are individuals. They might have completely different passions that school just doesn’t focus on. School only focuses on a narrow band of skills regarding human capabilities. All other skills can be dismissed as superfluous. Unfortunately, this only serves the kids who have an interest or competency in those specific skills! He says he sees teachers so constrained by a demand to teach “subjects” that they forget that they’re teaching young people. INDIVIDUALS. When it comes to encouraging a teenager to study, Tony desires to see teachers distill what is critically important about their subject. Once those fundamentals are taught, teachers can then make time for students to apply those foundational skills to their specific passions. A math teacher probably knows that some algebraic functions can apply to all life skills. What if after teaching those skills, that teacher then helped students apply those to their individual interests? Pointing out the relevancy of these skills can increase a students passion to learn, and this is something parents can do for students as well. It took Tony 30 years to realize that a knowledge of grammar did not equate to a strength in writing. Still, grammar skills are necessary to become a good writer. Likewise, a student interested in car engines shouldn’t have to wait until college to apply science class to racecars. In the current system, that student might not even make it to college, because they can’t make the connection between school and their passion. Stay Curious! What’s been true at least for Tony, is that you won’t find a reason to learn until you find a reason to care. Therefore, his advice for adults to give to young people is: Stay CURIOUS! Without curiosity, good luck encouraging a teenager to study. According to Tony, curiosity is what keeps people inspired. Tony believes every student should have a notebook to write down ALL their questions and concerns, related to class or not. Encouraging a teenager to study these questions in their notebooks promotes curiosity. If every child had a journal where they could write down their questions to pursue later, curiosity could become a habit. This necessitates adults creating time and space for young people to pursue those questions. If students don’t have the space to pursue their questions, then there’s no motivation for them to be curious. But by encouraging a teenager to study their interests, curiosity, that sweet desire to learn more, could become normal in almost every student. This strategy of journaling can be super effective for encouraging at home, too, not just at school. Parents can also give their teens the opportunity to do the... | |||
| 06 Sep 2020 | Ep 102: Is Your Teen’s Tech Use Healthy, Junky, or Toxic? | 00:22:42 | |
Dr. Shimi Kang, author of The Tech Solution and Dolphin Parenting, spreads the word on the three types of tech use (toxic, junk, & healthy) and the consequences of each. Plus how to manage any new apps that teens might get into. Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation. Full show notes Technology is not going away, but it can feel like our teens have been looking at a screen for half their lives. With so many new distracting gadgets and apps, it’s often overwhelming to monitor our teen’s usage--not to mention try to keep an eye on our own! It’s important to make sure teens gain an understanding of how tech and apps work. They will likely have to use various softwares and apps when they join the workforce, and they need to know how to adapt to new tech. But striking a balance between the good tech and the bad tech is tricky. This week, Dr. Shimi Kang, author of The Tech Solution: Creating Healthy Habits for Kids Growing Up in a Digital World, clues me in on how different types of tech are hurting and helping teen’s developing brains--and what to do if you’ve already tried and failed to pry a phone from your screen-addicted teen. As addiction psychiatrist, Dr. Kang noticed an increasing number of teens and young adults in her practice with tech-addiction. Some of her patients can feel their anxiety rise from simply parting with their phone during a session. Parents she spoke with reported such extremes as violence when taking away phones or shutting off gaming consoles or wifi. Dr. Kang recognizes that there will always be a new addicting app around the corner. Through her research for the book, she also uncovered the truth that technology incorporates “persuasive design.” Persuasive design means the websites, app, and gadgets we use are designed to be addictive—the more people use a website or an app, the longer the makers have to expose users to advertisements and up-sells. This is not to say technology is bad—we have technology to thank for plenty of advancements and improvements. Dr. Kang argues it is the way in which we engage with tech that determines whether we can consider it good or bad. The three types of tech use Dr. Kang has come up with are: toxic tech, junk tech, and healthy tech. In today’s episode we cover what each one looks like and how to help your teen self-regulate their tech use. Toxic tech From brain imaging researchers have been able to identify that certain technology use causes spikes in the stress hormone cortisol. Too much of the stress hormone cortisol has been linked to anxiety, depression, irritability, and even physical problems like high blood pressure and stomach ulcers. What might toxic tech look like with a teen? While it’s unlikely your teen will develop stomach ulcers from toxic tech use alone, as the name implies, toxic tech should be avoided. Shimi suggests social media as the big toxic tech to avoid. Teens compare themselves to the perfect looking celebrities they see on social media which can cause feelings of inferiority and therefore trigger stress. Receiving negative comments or being bullied, seeing violent or graphic content, even reading through a fiery comment feud, all have the potential to spike cortisol. It is probably impossible to avoid all the toxic tech there is out there, but it should be limited as much as possible. Junk Tech Junk tech is the type of tech that is most addicting. Junk tech makes use of the brain’s dopamine reward system, which is how teens and even adults can get addicted to silly games like Candy Crush and Angry Birds. The “persuasive design” of apps and sites like Instagram, TikTok, Facebook, video streaming (e.g. Netflix) also have teens glued to their screen as they double-tap and “like” posts only to glance up and find hours have passed since they first logged on! Junk tech does not increase cortisol, but the mindless nature of endless scrolling on Instagram or autoplay on Netflix not only becomes a huge time suck, but is a passive activity for the brain. At a time when brains are developing their dopamine pathways, it’s important to help our teens set limits on how much junk tech they consume. Instead of just tuning in to TikTok, an alternative could be creating one which turns junk tech into healthy tech. Healthy Tech To determine if something is healthy tech, Dr. Kang says it should fall into one of the three Cs: care (self-care), connection, or creativity. Making a TikTok instead of just watching a hundred of them, would involve creativity—if your teen makes a TikTok with someone else, you can even count it as “connection” too! FaceTiming with a friend (connection), using a meditation app (care), tracking your steps/sleep on a Fitbit (care), building a website (creativity), or using video editing software (creativity) are all healthy tech use according to Shimi. Instead of having to make up new rules for each app or site, Dr. Kang says to make rules around the three types of tech instead. Determine as a family how much of each would be appropriate. Adults and kids will probably have different rules as more adult responsibilities such as bill paying move online. If your child is doing remote schooling, you can add allowances for screen time as related to classwork. Again, as Dr. Kang asserts, technology is here to stay—we need to help teens learn to navigate tech on their own, including how to self-regulate. Using the three types of tech as a framework, and explaining the science of the hormones behind each can help teens understand that rules around tech are not to control them, but to help eliminate stressful, toxic tech; limit junk tech; and expand healthy tech. In addition to our discussion on the three types of tech use, Shimi and I cover:
Dr. Shimi has so much experience as a practicing addiction psychiatrist and author of two parenting books—I’m so excited to share her expertise on technology use with you, our listeners! Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation. | |||
| 14 Aug 2022 | Ep 203: The Importance of Rest for Productivity | 00:28:57 | |
Alex Pang, author of Rest, joins us to explain the cognitive benefits of taking time off and doing nothing! Plus, how non-work activities like sports, naps, and gap years can boost teens’ productivity and creativity! Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation. Full show notes We want kids to be the best version of themselves, meaning that we often push them to their limits. We stack on extracurriculars to buff up their college apps, add in SAT classes, and sign them up for private lessons to make sure they’re the best flute player in the orchestra. Kids only have so much time to make the most of themselves, so they should spend every last moment studying, practicing, and bettering themselves…right? But what happens when kids suddenly find themselves burnt out? What if, with a crazy schedule, they’re not able to focus on their homework or pull out the sheet music as enthusiastically as they did before? Even though we have the best intentions, we can sometimes push our teens (and ourselves) too far past what’s healthy–and create not only exhaustion, but a lack of productivity, creativity, and imagination. That’s why, in today’s episode, we’re talking about the importance of doing nothing! We’re joined by Alex Pang, author of Rest: Why You Get More Done When You Work Less. Alex is the owner of the consulting company Strategy and Rest, which works with companies and individuals to create maximum productivity with shorter workdays! He’s a visiting scholar at Stanford, and the author of three other books about productivity and cognition. In this week’s episode, we talk all about the importance of taking restful breaks, and the psychological benefits of doing nothing! Plus how teens can benefit from non-work activities like sports, napping, and even playing video games! Why Rest Matters The basic principle we often follow about productivity is that more time working=more work accomplished. We might load ourselves up with eighty hour work weeks, working long nights and weekends to try and max out our capabilities. But Alex is prompting us to challenge that. Once a busy, overworked employee in Silicon Valley, Alex left the United States to take a trip to the U.K., where he discovered a shift in culture and less structure in his work day! He found that working shorter hours and taking more breaks actually improved his productivity and creativity–and it can improve yours too! Alex explains that our brains have something he calls a “default mode network”, which turns on when the focused, working part of your brain turns off. When the default mode network is activated, your body goes to work behind the scenes, tackling problems that evade your conscious mind. Have you ever found yourself frustrated because you can’t recall a song lyric or the name of an actor…only for it to pop into your head ten minutes later while you’re watching TV? This is an example of your default mode network doing its job! Many prominent, iconic, and successful people have learned to harness their default mode network to improve their productivity. They know that this part of the brain allows the mind to come up with new ideas, make connections and recharge…then get back to business with a much more inspired and productive mindset, says Alex. Individuals like Beethoven and Nobel prize winners have strategically built time into their schedules to rest and let their default mode network run…basically doing nothing with the goal of increasing productivity! Alex is also a proponent of shorter work days and a four day work week. In the episode, we talk about a wealth of research which indicates that humans are most productive when they work only four or five hours a day! After that, our focus and concentration starts to wane, and we often get very little or nothing done. But with an extra day or extra hours in the week built in for intentional rest, we can take on the challenges of our work week much more efficiently and with extra creativity and imagination. The power of doing nothing only works if we’re doing the right kind of nothing, however. Alex explains that certain activities are more restful to your brain than others. The key is to do something that takes as little focus or concentration as possible, so that your subconscious mind can activate and restore you to your most creative state, he explains. Activities like television, video games, or even social media can have this restorative effect for teens–as long as they’re not overindulging, says Alex. There are some other methods of rest and rejuvenation that boost productivity and creativity for teens! Alex and I dive into these in the episode. How Teens Can Unwind In our interview, Alex and I discuss how exercise can be a great way for teens to let go of work and stressors and let their mind wander. In fact, effective cognition is tied significantly to physical health, says Alex. Our brains love oxygen, and will take as much of it as possible! When we exercise, we increase our body’s oxygen capacity, and therefore power our brain to maximum sharpness and efficiency. The stronger our circulatory system, the more powerful our mind, says Alex. Even a simple walk can have terrific benefits for the teenage mind. Research has shown that walking improves cognition as well as creativity! Alex explains that people like Steve Jobs and Mark Zuckerberg even have walking meetings, where they combine business with exercise. This setting allows ideas to flow more freely, and is a more casual social environment. Alex recommends encouraging teens to take walks during study breaks or when working something out with a friend–the benefits of doing so are clear! Getting involved in a sport is even better for a teen, says Alex. In his research, he’s found that many of history's greatest thinkers have also been accomplished athletes. A study of scientists spanning over thirty years found that those who made incredible or notable discoveries in their careers were also individuals who set aside ample time for sports, while those who weren’t athletes faded into obscurity. Alex explains that this regular athletic activity gave the scientists time away from work to mull over ideas and come back to their research with renewed focus and imagination. Alex and I also talk about a somewhat controversial relaxation technique…napping! Some believe napping leaves us more tired than before, while others think a nap is a great way to refresh and recharge. Alex argues in favor of napping…so long as we do it right! If your teen loves to nap, Alex recommends they nap between twenty or ninety minutes. Twenty minutes constitutes a light nap that’s shown to recharge the body, while ninety minutes is the cutoff before slipping into deep sleep. A nap of this length can have benefits for memory, cognition, and more, says Alex. We talk about napping more in the interview! In The Episode… My discussion with Alex brings an unexpected perspective to common notions about creativity and productivity! On top of the topics discussed above, we also talk about:
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| 21 May 2023 | Ep 242: What Kind of Parent Do You Want to Be? | 00:27:37 | |
Rachel Rider, author of Who You Are Is How You Lead, talks about getting in touch with how we want to show up for others. We discuss the power of self-regulation and somatic experiencing to help parents break free of ingrained patterns of interacting with their teens. Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation. Full Show Notes Parenting teenagers often feels like navigating through a maze without a map. Whether it's constant reminders left unheeded, feelings of being underappreciated, or simply a disconnect in communication, many parents find themselves trapped in a cycle of unproductive patterns with their teenagers. But what if the secret to breaking these cycles begins with looking inward? In today's episode of Talking to Teens, we are exploring the power of self-awareness and transformation in parenting. Our habits, responses, and interactions with our teenagers often stem from deeper, unacknowledged patterns within us. But how do we begin to recognize these patterns, and more importantly, how can we change them? We're joined by Rachel Rider, an executive coach and the creator of the MetaWorks Method, a transformative process that promotes radical ease, spaciousness, and meaningful change in leadership and relationships. Rachel, also the author of "Who You Are Is How You Lead," brings her extensive insight into how parents can apply her methodology to foster a deeper connection with their teenagers. Understanding Your Internal Drivers The journey to transformative parenting begins with understanding your internal drivers—your deepest motivations for why you parent the way you do. Rachel shares how identifying these drivers can illuminate the patterns that govern our interactions with our teens. By aligning our parenting approach with our core desires and values, we can begin to interact with our teenagers in more meaningful and fulfilling ways. Recognizing and Disrupting Patterns Patterns in parenting aren't just about what we do; they're deeply tied to how we feel and react in certain situations. Rachel discusses how becoming aware of our physical responses and the thoughts that arise in challenging moments can reveal the patterns we need to address. Disrupting these patterns isn't about immediate change but about creating space to explore what drives our reactions and how we can approach situations differently. Fostering Connection through Transformation The final piece of transforming our parenting approach involves nurturing new habits grounded in awareness and self-regulation. Rachel provides practical advice for parents on how to introduce change in their interactions with their teenagers, emphasizing the importance of patience, self-compassion, and ongoing reflection in the process. In The Episode... Our conversation with Rachel is packed with insights and actionable advice. Some additional topics we cover include: - The role of self-regulation in effective parenting Rachel's approach to transforming parenting dynamics offers a fresh perspective on the challenges many parents face. By focusing on internal drivers and patterns, we can create a more fulfilling and connected family environment. Don't miss this enlightening discussion on how self-awareness and transformation can revolutionize the way you parent. Remember, the journey to better parenting begins with you. Listen to the episode and subscribe to Talking to Teens for more insights into navigating the complex world of parenting teenagers. Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation. | |||
| 05 May 2019 | Ep 41: Choosing Great Teen Fiction Books | 00:21:52 | |
Brandon Mull, author of 15 New York Times Bestsellers, discusses what makes good teen fiction books. He also shares what he's learned about how to get teens reading for fun while giving thousands of free lectures in schools around the country. Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation. Full show notes When we read a book, we allow ourselves and our minds to go on a unique journey. We give ourselves the ability to experience perspectives we’ve never known or thought about before. We form attachments to people and places beyond the scope of our understanding. Overall, we learn more about ourselves and the world just by sitting down and cracking open a paperback. That’s why helping kids learn to love reading is important. Finding Good teen fiction books to read provides them a chance to expand their imaginations and views without even leaving their homes! Additionally, reading is a great tool to develop creative thinking, literary skills, and focus among young people. However, in our modern world saturated with visual media, it’s challenging to find good teen fiction books to read. Society doesn’t really encourage teens to explore the written word anymore. Young people are much more likely to spend time on Tik Tok, Youtube and Netflix than browsing the shelves at the library or eBook store. How can we convince them to take the time to enjoy a good novel when there’s millions of hours of content available to stream at any moment? Our guest today, Brandon Mull, is here to talk about how we can get kids reading again. He’s written fifteen--that’s right, fifteen--New York Times bestselling books, and many are suggested books for teens. His most popular book series, Fablehaven, has sold millions and millions of copies all over the world. Also, he’s made it his purpose to teach young people about the value of reading, by touring schools for four months out of every year to hold free assemblies. “Tipping Point” Books Brandon talks about how when he was young, he had a big imagination, but didn’t always know what to do with it. He never really liked to read, until he discovered The Chronicles of Narnia. The fantastical world and vivid characters captured his interest, and he was hooked. From then on, reading became his favorite activity, until he decided to pick up the pen and go at it himself. Brandon stresses the idea of a sort of “tipping point” book that can turn kids into readers. Although teens might not really seem to enjoy reading, they may not have found a book that really appeals to them. Finding good teen fiction books to read that excite and invigorate them can take them from being entirely disinterested in reading to seeing some merit in it. This could lead them to pick up another book, and another after that. They might even fall in love with the written word and become avid readers! Although Narnia was the tipping point for Brandon, it’s important to understand that every kid is different and they won’t all enjoy reading the same suggested books for teens. Brandon is a fantasy writer, and he celebrates the ability of fantasy to connect to lots of readers. That’s because fantasy is exciting and captures the imagination, he says, but also because of the mainstream success of franchises like Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings. If a kid is interested in planes, animals, or dinosaurs, however, they might not find fantasy appealing at all! As a parent, if we can take the time to learn exactly what it is that our kids are passionate about, we can help them find good teen fiction books to read that’ll develop an interest in reading that lasts a lifetime. Reading Keeps Imagination Alive Finding good teen fiction books to read can help kids form lifelong relationships with their imaginations. They’ll be happier and more well rounded individuals that continue into adult life with a sense of creativity. One problem Brandon really tries to combat in his work is the loss of time for imagination and creativity as people get older. Our lives become busy and our priorities change, making it difficult for us to make time for things we used to enjoy. For example, when Brandon visits a school, he usually asks kids if they enjoy creative activities like drawing. Among late elementary school students, almost 80% will say they enjoy these activities. When he asks high school students, only about 10% respond saying they still partake. We want our kids to grow up and become innovators, entrepreneurs, and game changers. Getting kids to read a wide variety of suggested books for teens allows them to explore their imagination and creativity. They’ll grow up to be people who dream big and see the world in a unique way. If not, they’ll never find ways to challenge the norm, to think outside of the box. As Brandon says, when we read, we generate brilliant interpretations of the written word. He explains that you often read a book, imagine it in your head, and then find the movie adaptation to be disappointing. This means that you have the power to create stories in your head that are more entertaining as those created by acclaimed directors with budgets of millions. Life Lessons Books use fictional places and characters to explore themes that teach important lessons to young people. Brandon explains how fiction allows him to create worlds and characters that help him express the themes he wants to share. As parents, encouraging our kids to read suggested books for teens allow them to think about their lives in constructive ways. For example, the two main characters of his Fablehaven series both experience character arcs, or personal journeys, but they grow in different ways. The books tell the story of two siblings, Kendra and Seth, after they happen upon a magical world in their grandparents’ garden. Kendra, a very careful and cautious person, is constantly learning that sometimes in life, you have to take risks. Simultaneously, her more free-spirited brother, Seth, is learning that he sometimes needs to have a plan and practice caution. As these two characters grow and evolve, they are constantly understanding themselves, each other, and the world on new levels. No matter which character young readers identify with, seeing these two contracting ways of growing can help kids see that we all have different personalities and struggles and that’s ok. Everyone is dealing with different things in life, but that doesn’t stop us from always improving and continuing to work on ourselves. Family Bonding Not only do suggested books for teens help your child develop a rich inner world, but they can also be a reason for you and your teenager to spend time together. Reading together in the evenings or listening to books on audio during long road trips is one of the ways Brandon says families often enjoy his books. He explains how sharing these fictional worlds with your family members can provide a way for you to talk about serious issues with your children. By using the fictional universe as a kind of shared language w... | |||
| 17 Apr 2022 | Ep 186: Empowering Our Daughters | 00:25:13 | |
Jo Wimble Groves, author of Rise of the Girl, shines light on how we can encourage teen girls to chase their dreams. Plus, she shares how to help all teens to find their passions, take risks and learn from failure—no matter their gender. Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation. Full show notes Our hope is that kids will shoot for the stars, dream big, and believe they can do anything they put their mind to. We encourage them to be ambitious, hardworking, and self assured. But sometimes, even when we act as their biggest cheerleaders, teenagers–especially teenage girls–can struggle with confidence! Kids are up against a lot these days, and young women face extra barriers despite years of fighting for equality. In many ways, these barriers are subtle, small forces within our culture. They aren’t written into our laws or taught in school curriculum, but they’re working against the ability of our teen girls to grow into the powerful individuals they were destined to be. It’s in the way adults tell young girls to be quiet and polite while letting boys run wild, or how we might comment a little more on the way our daughters look than our sons. But it doesn't have to be that way! If we can learn to inspire our girls instead of inhibiting them, we can encourage all our teens to follow their dreams. This week, we’re joined by Jo Wimble Groves, author of Rise of the Girl: Seven Empowering Conversations To Have With Your Daughter. On top of being a mom of three, Jo is also a successful tech entrepreneur as the co-owner of the global mobile communications company Active Digital. As she climbed the ladder to success, Jo felt that she didn’t always have the right role models or encouragement. Now, her goal is for today’s teens to feel like they can do anything they aspire to do, no matter their gender. In our interview, Jo and I are discussing why we still have to fight for our daughters to have an equal chance at success! We’re also talking about how you can help any teenager find their passion, and how we can encourage teens to be comfortable with failure while on the road to figuring out their life’s purpose. Why Our Girls Need a Confidence Boost Teen girls today aren’t always encouraged to be the confident, outspoken people we know they can be–and it shows. In the episode, Jo and I talk about how boys are willing to raise their hand in class, even when they’re only sixty percent sure they know what they’re talking about. Meanwhile, on average, girls won’t raise their hands at all unless they are 100% they have the answer–and even then they’re reluctant! Girls often feel an overwhelming pressure to be perfect, or have a fear of judgment so powerful that they stay quiet, says Jo. Jo explains that this might be due to our tendency to encourage young women to be “good girls”. While we often tell boys to run free and play, we’re more cautious with letting our daughters do the same thing. We might view them as more fragile or naive, praise them for being quiet and unobtrusive. And while it’s important to protect and praise our kids, Jo believes that the way we speak to our daughters might be doing more harm than good. As kids grow older, this double standard often doesn’t change. Girls are told to be careful what they post online, how they dress, and how or express themselves, because we fear they’ll send the wrong message to predatory men or boys. But we often don’t have conversations with young men about how to be respectful towards women, says Jo. If we want to work towards a more equal and just society, we have to have conversations with young men too. In the episode, Jo and I talk about how we can have these kinds of talks with our sons. Whether we’re talking to our sons or our daughters, we hope to guide them to not only impart values, but also help them find their passion. Helping Teens Find their Spark Jo is an incredibly successful business woman, but before entering the professional world, she often struggled in school. For a long time, Jo felt that perhaps she lacked intelligence…but eventually discovered that her brilliance lay outside of academics! Every teen has something they’re naturally talented at, but it might not always be obvious right away. That’s why Jo encourages parents to sign their kids up for anything and everything. In our interview, Jo and I talk about how the teenage years are a time to explore and experiment! The stakes are pretty low, and if a teen doesn’t like something, they can easily try something else instead! If teens are lucky, all this experimenting will lead them to find what Jo describes as a “spark”: something that they love, that excites them endlessly and propels them into making the world a better place. Jo stresses that if we don’t encourage our teens, especially our daughters, to take risks, they may never find this spark! When kids are in the process of discovering what they’re meant to do, they tend to quit a lot of things. It can be frustrating when they commit to the swim team for the whole year and even drag you to the store to buy a new racing swimsuit…but then suddenly don’t want to go to practices. However, if teens are forced to keep doing something they don’t love, it might be holding them back from discovering what they do love. As Jo says in the episode, putting this kind of pressure makes teens “dreadfully unhappy”, and can put some serious strain on your relationship. For teens and parents still figuring it all out, there’s bound to be some failure along the way. However, Jo and I talk about how failure is one of the best ways to get to success! How Failure Leads to Progress In our interview, Jo shares an interesting idea about how we can address failure in a productive way. When kids are trying over and over again to get something right, they might get frustrated. But Jo suggests we frame their fumbled attempts not as one-off failures, but as steps in the right direction! Instead of telling them they’ve gotten it wrong, Jo says, we should suggest that they just haven't gotten it right yet. This helps them see why they shouldn’t give up after being met with obstacles, but instead persevere until they get the result they desire! Jo explains that this can be shown through example, with parents being vulnerable enough to show kids that they too, make mistakes. It’s not always easy, especially when we're trying to be the perfect parent–but the perfect parent doesn’t exist, says Jo. Showing kids that we can bounce back when we get knocked down can be a totally critical part of teaching them the skills to survive life. Plus, putting up a flawless facade isn’t going to make you a better parent, says Jo…..it’ll just make you more stressed out! For young women, this kind of encouragement can be especially important. Women are constantly faced with the challenge of smashing stereotypes in male-dominated subjects and activities–meaning they’re expected never to mess up! If we can help them see the value in failing as a part of the road to success, they might feel more comfortable trying new things, messing up and im... | |||
| 12 Jul 2020 | Ep 94: Why Teens Run Wild & How to Keep Them Safe | 00:22:26 | |
Dr. Jess Shatkin, author of Born to be Wild and expert in the field of child and adolescent psychiatry, clues us into why teens run wild and how we can help keep them safe. A still-developing brain and high levels of hormones mean parents have their work cut out for them! Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation. Full show notes We have the “talk” with our teens and make sure they at least attend health class. We push our teens to get adequate sleep and nutrition. We put our teens through D.A.R.E. and make clear drugs and alcohol are not acceptable. And vandalism and stealing are against the law--we shouldn't even have to mention that to our teens. So Why--why! we wonder, Why do teenagers still do these things!? And for Chrissake why is it always teens doing the misbehaving? You rarely see groups of 25 year old's, 40 year old's or (spry) 80 year old's participating in reckless and risky behaviors. Adults--from parents to deans to coaches--devote so much time and energy into trying to teach adolescents the risks of misbehaving. From broken bones to trauma, we want to help our teens avoid threats to their physical and mental health—so why don’t teens act accordingly? Why are teenagers more likely to take risks than any other age group? Do they really think they’re invincible? Teenage risk taking is more complicated than just a single platitude. It’s not just the fact that teen brain’s executive regions are under construction: an influx of hormones muddles things up along with intense peer pressure, whether real or perceived. To understand the interaction between the biology and neurology of the teen brain, this week I spoke with Dr. Jess Shatkin, author of Born to Be Wild: Why Teens Take Risks, and How We Can Help Keep Them Safe. As a practicing psychiatrist in Manhattan and Vice Chair for Education and Professor of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry and Pediatrics at the NYU School of Medicine, Dr. Shatkin has been entrenched in the workings of the teenage brain for decades. Dr. Shatkin was curious as to why teenagers make risky decisions even in his early days. The youngest of eight, he watched his older siblings morph and change, from tame tweens to wild teens to mature twentysomethings and adults. When Dr. Shatkin himself was a teen, he realized that he was making decisions he logically wouldn’t otherwise, had he been younger. And with older siblings to look up to, he knew he wouldn’t always feel so, well, wild. While teenage risk taking is more common than we’d like, it turns out teens don’t actually think they are invincible, as many adults have come to believe. We’d be wrong to assume teens feel as invincible as we think they act. When researchers actually began to ask teens if they think they’re invincible, a curious pattern emerged. Teenagers actually tend to overestimate the risk they face from certain activities. When prompted, most teenagers will say they believe they are around 90% likely to get pregnant from one instance of unprotected sex (the real number is somewhere around 20%). Some young people do believe that they are invincible, but from Jess’s studies, this is not due to age, but instead the personality of the individual. It’s the adults, in fact, who are more likely to feel a false sense of invincibility. So then why are teenagers more likely to take risks if they are so certain that negative consequences will arise? As Jess explained to me, this can be largely attributed to evolution. Adolescence is when our body starts to develop the need to seem attractive to potential mates as well as adjust to any new changes in the environment. We suddenly experience an influx of hormones which encourage us to impress our peers by exhibiting our affinity for danger. Whether we’re conscious of it or not, we want our peers to see us as cool, interesting, and sexy--good qualities in a viable mate. In one study Dr. Shatkin and I talked about, researchers used financial choices to assess young people’s changes in decision making. Every students who participated was given two options: get $200 immediately, or wait six months and receive $1,000. $1,000 is 4 times more than the $200--the choice should be easy! And for students that made the decision alone, it was. They all selected the delayed reward of the $1000. However, when the researchers had a student make the exact same decision but in front of one or more peers, the majority of students switched to taking the immediate $200. Even when the researchers just made participants think there was a peer watching from behind a one-way mirror, the students took the immediate reward. It was as if the logical processing power of the brain was turned off in the face of a peer nearby. As parents, this might be alarming. The study has implications far beyond just missing out on $800. What if your teen follows their friends to a college that is exorbitantly expensive just because it is ‘cooler’? Or what if they put their life on the line when driving a peer home? You want your children to become responsible, respectable independent thinkers, not impulsive risk takers who are frighteningly susceptible to peer pressure! You’ve already warned them about the dangers of teenage risk taking and yet, they seem to insist on getting into trouble. When it comes to helping our kids develop ways to muster through tempting risks, Dr. Shatkin reminds us that the language we use is of the utmost importance. Just telling kids that activities are risky does not make them less likely to participate in them. Take for example the high rates of teen pregnancy among teens who have been given the simple message of “don’t,” with no education around it. Simply inundating teens with the same warning messages over and over, doesn’t lead to changed behavior. Instead of repeating how risky having unprotected sex is, you could have a conversation with your teen about what your teen could say or do when they find themselves in a heated and compromising situation. See our interview with Dr. Lisa Damour on helping teens develop more ways to say ‘no.’ And what is it that drives teens to seek out these risky situations? The answer is a hormone we more regularly associate with matters of lust: dopamine. But dopamine is not just for lovers. It is a vital hormone that drives us to take action, getting us excited about possibilities. Dopamine is intricately linked to reward circuitry and is at elevated levels during the teen years. Readers may already be familiar with the studies that show teens' brains look similar to the brains of gambling addicts under fMRI scans. Dopamine spikes when we sense a reward is near--like thinking about an upcoming vacation or how impressed your peers will be if you snuck into your neighbor’s pool and did a cannonball. If you haven’t planned that vacation yet, dopamine will keep you busily scheduling and booking things, and you might even get a little spike in dopamine when you tell other people about it. The difference for a teen might be they are wildly excited about the vacation, particularly if it can make them seem ‘cool’ to their peers. They might develop a bug for traveling if they firstly enjoy their time traveling and if they receive the ‘reward’ of peer approval when they come back and regale their p... | |||
| 22 Dec 2024 | Ep 318: Empowering Sobriety in Teens | 00:24:07 | |
Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation. Claudia Black, author of Your Recovery, Your Life for Teens, joins us to discuss emotional literacy, the power of community in recovery, and how parents can break enabling patterns to support their teens' journey to sobriety. Adolescence is a turbulent time, with teens often encountering overwhelming emotions and difficult life choices. For some, substances like alcohol and drugs become a crutch, a misguided attempt to handle the tumultuous world around them. The complexities of addiction at such a young age can be particularly daunting, both for the teens embroiled in substance use and for the parents striving to help them find their way out. The challenges of navigating a teen’s journey from substance use to recovery are multifaceted. At its core, successful recovery involves unraveling the emotions that drive the behavior. Why do teens choose substances? Often it’s a matter of emotional choice; they're seeking belonging, escape from pain, or the comfort of numbness. When parents step back, they might find they are inadvertently enabling these escape routes, rather than challenging their teen to face and manage the real issues. Enter Claudia Black, a seasoned expert in adolescent and family recovery. With a career spanning 45 years in residential treatment and pioneering research on children from addictive family systems, Claudia is the author of Your Recovery, Your Life for Teens. Her book serves as a workbook, filled with exercises that encourage self-discovery and emotional engagement, paving the way for a clean and fulfilling life. Discovering Emotional Literacy Underpinning Claudia's approach is the concept of emotional literacy – understanding and processing emotions without resorting to substances. Adolescents often harbor significant shame and secrecy surrounding their behavior, fearing disappointment from their parents. Claudia emphasizes addressing these emotions constructively to cultivate self-worth and align with personal values, a theme we explore in-depth on today’s show. To guide teens through this emotionally-charged landscape, Claudia's exercises encourage them to identify and acknowledge their feelings, breaking down the barriers of shame and secrecy. She introduces techniques for teens to manage their emotions without resorting to substance use—empowering them to transform behavioral patterns fundamentally. Building a Supportive Community Essential to recovering from substance use is community. Claudia shares insights on how communal experiences in recovery settings, where young people can meet peers facing similar challenges, help instill a belief that life can indeed be different—and better. These powerful connections often motivate teens to embrace change and build healthier lifestyles. Parental Involvement and Education Parents play a crucial role in their child's recovery journey. Claudia discusses how parents must adopt new strategies, aligning their support with the therapist's guidance and confronting enabling behaviors. Understanding addiction’s impact on the brain, recognizing patterns, and utilizing leverage without resorting to fear-based tactics are keys to breaking destructive cycles and fostering genuine change. Unmasking the True Self In her book, Claudia also details how to unmask those secretive layers that often accompany addiction. By discerning the underlying emotions and addressing the shame associated with secrets, teens can learn to navigate life more transparently and authentically, resulting in long-term recovery. In the Episode... Throughout our discussion, Claudia provides a wealth of knowledge for parents and teens alike. She highlights:
If you're confronting the challenges of teen substance use, this conversation offers vital guidance. To learn more about Claudia's work, check out Your Recovery, Your Life for Teens on Amazon, or visit her website at claudiablack.com. Thanks for tuning in—don’t forget to subscribe and share! Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation. | |||
| 23 Apr 2023 | Ep 238: The Advantages of Being a Beginner | 00:26:50 | |
Tom Vanderbilt, author of Beginners, discusses with us how parents can inspire their teenagers to be more confident in trying new things by being lifelong learners themselves. Turns out, being an expert beginner has its advantages! Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation. Full show notes As parents, it's easy to get into a rut of only doing things we're already good at, or activities we've been doing for years. Yet our teens are essentially beginners at everything. And sometimes it becomes difficult to encourage them to try new things. Being a beginner can get old quickly—it’s hard work!
It was so fun speaking with Tom, and a blast to learn from Beginners of all kinds in his book! To follow along with what Tom is up to, check out links in his bio. Thanks for listening and we’ll catch you next week. Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation. | |||
| 27 Jun 2021 | Ep 144: Add More To Life With Subtraction | 00:22:40 | |
Leidy Klotz, author of Subtract, shares his research on the science of taking things away, simplification, and subtraction to make more space for better ways of living. How to scale back tech use, clean up our calendars, and streamline family rules is coming up! Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation. Full show notes When kids are driving us up the wall and we want to regain control, we add rules. Then, later down the line...we add more rules. Soon we find ourselves trying to figure out a rule for every video game and homework assignment. As humans and parents, we’re wired to add more and more structure, attempting to create a sense of security. But sometimes the answer doesn’t lie in addition–it lies in subtraction! We often fail to consider that maybe instead of putting more on our plate, we can instead take something away. This is because in our evolutionary pursuit of survival, humans have gained an affinity for acquisition. We used to hunt and gather to acquire food, but in our modern world, this need to attain means we like to add new objects, responsibilities, and ideas to our life. When uncertainty rears its head, we automatically think addition is the answer. However, if we consider letting something go instead, we might see a better path was right in front of us all along. In today’s episode, we’re talking to Leidy Klotz, author of Subtract: The Untapped Science of Less. Leidy pulls from his innovative behavioral research and years of design and engineering experience to break down why we as a species feel inclined to add more and more to our lives without removing the things that drag us down. Leidy and I are discussing why it is that our brains are so predisposed to pile more on without considering the possibility of letting something go. We also cover how we can help teens make some smart subtractions when it comes to technology, and explain how you and your teen can practice subtraction in everyday life. Why We Take on Too Much As a species, our inclination to keep adding comes from both biological and societal forces, says Leidy. Our ancestors learned to accumulate more ideas and objects as they fought for survival, and that urge still sticks with us today. Our consumerist society is another contributing factor, with advertisements boasting endless add-ons (if you just call now!) and commercials telling us that we NEED to buy the newest fancy gadget in order to go on with life. The need to gain is only magnified by our desire to appear competent, Leidy explains. This urge may be what’s driving your teen to add more and more extracurriculars to their schedule, apply to 100 colleges, or have more than a few girls on speed dial! And when they find themselves overwhelmed, they often believe with even more certainty that continuing to add more will solve the problem–which of course, only makes things worse! Leidy and I title this the “the downward cycle of subtracting doom” in the episode. If that wasn’t bad enough, not only do we love to add things to our life, we’re also afraid to let go. Leidy and I discuss in our interview why you can’t seem to ditch that old set of paints you bought years ago when you suddenly decided you would become a painter...the ones you haven’t touched since the day you got them. Getting and keeping possessions can give us some seriously happy feelings–almost like the ones we get when we take drugs or do something risky and get away with it. These powerful connections can keep us from giving up things that we don’t need. For teens today, these intense feelings can be tied to social media platforms–ones that they know make them feel anxious, but they can’t seem to get rid off. Plus, when the newest one comes out each month, teens download it without a second thought, motivated by the all-too-human need to acquire. Leidy and I tackle how you can talk to teens about resisting addition when it comes to tech. Helping Teens Manage Technology Use When you think about situations where your teen tends to add until they reach excess, tech is probably towards the top of the list. Nowadays, teens have more devices, streaming services, gaming apps and social media sites than any of us ever thought possible. They just continue to add more and more tech to their lives, without giving any thought to moderation! How can we help kids fight the urge to add when it comes to technology? Leidy offers an interesting solution, borrowed from public policy! Interestingly, he explains in the episode that our code of federal regulations has grown almost seventeen times since 1950, a testament to the human tendency to keep adding indefinitely! Leidy and I discuss how in British Columbia, three regulations must be removed whenever one is added, which helps maintain balance. This same idea is effective when it comes to limiting teens' tech use. When they buy a new video game or start using another social media platform, it can be good to prompt them to delete a few of the old ones! By watching how much they are consuming, you can help teens use tech in a healthy way instead of developing bad habits. Removing unnecessary clutter, whether that be iphone apps, old clothes or even ideas, can be liberating. But it’s not always easy. So how can we practice subtraction in our everyday lives? The Importance of Practicing Subtraction One of the most fascinating findings from Leidy’s research is that when faced with a problem, humans are almost universally certain to conjure up a solution that includes addition. Not only that, but they don’t even consider subtraction as an option, even when it’s pretty clear that it would be a much simpler remedy to just remove something. Leidy emphasizes the importance of suggesting subtraction when your teen is in a tough spot. If they’re stressed about passing AP spanish, and want to add more and more hours of studying until they’re no longer sleeping, maybe it’s time for them to drop the academic decathlon to make time. Or maybe they want to feel popular, but steadily increasing their social calendar has led them to feel burnt out. In this case, perhaps subtraction means really looking to see who their true friends are and sticking to those people who enrich their lives the most. Leidy and I also touch on how subtraction can bring an unexpected blessing, by creating something additional. If you take the center out of the donut, it creates more surface area for glaze and allows the donut to cook more evenly...plus you get donut holes! When you subtract a meeting from your own schedule, not only did you remove something to release tension, but now you have an hour of time to focus on something more important or something that makes you happy. In the Episode… Leidy’s innovative ideas about decision making and human behavior makes for a fascinating episode this week. On top of the topics discussed above, we talk about:
I had a blast interviewing Leidy and am excited to share his work with you! Don’t forget to share and s... | |||
| 02 Feb 2020 | Ep 70: Sexual Identity Challenges | 00:17:54 | |
Richie Jackson, author of the newly-released Gay Like Me and long-time, award-winning TV/film and theater producer, joins Andy this week. Richie and Andy discuss how parents can support their teens in their own journey of sexual identity, and how teens might become allies for their friends in the LGBTQ community. Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation. Full show notes Gay like Me These days it seems like just about everyone is ok with gay; there are more LGBTQ characters on TV, same-sex marriage is legal, and many religious groups originally against homosexuality are starting to come around. However, members of the LGBTQ community are persecuted and slandered every day. There are still numerous nations where it’s illegal to be gay and there are many places in the United States where people are killed for their sexual orientation. Regardless of location, members of the LGBTQ community confront challenges for sexual identity on a daily basis. This challenge could be someone using a gay slur and refusing to apologize because they didn’t mean it in that way. Or, heaven forbid, they come face to face with a homophobe who threatens or assaults them for liking the same sex. Yes, we all struggle with our identities but the struggle is much harder for people who’ve been told they will never be accepted. While homosexuality is far more accepted nowadays, struggles that LGBTQ teens face are new ground and can be confusing territory for parents. Parents are apprehensive about sex talks with their teens, but those with LGBTQ-identifying teens can feel more ill-equipped. Despite the trend toward more acceptance, there are many challenges for sexual identity that straight people cannot fathom. Representation of homosexuality in history books is virtually non-existent, and TV and film depictions are often stereotyped or exaggerated. While tech-savvy teens can tap into supportive online LGBTQ communities, navigating challenges for sexual identity in the real world is not as easy—and often not as friendly. For parents of LGBTQ children, it feels daunting to prepare your teen for a world that isn’t always accepting. Richie Jackson, an openly-gay Broadway and television show producer, felt similarly when he was preparing to send his gay son off to college. Even though his son grew up in an era much more accepting of homosexuality than Richie did, he knew his son had a lot to learn about navigating life as a gay man. So Richie started writing letters to his son, so many letters that he accumulated enough material for the beginning of a book. These letters were published in Richie’s first book Gay Like Me: A Father Writes to His Son. In this book, Richie shares stories from his own life, the good, the bad, and the humorous, as well as stories of LGBTQ leaders, creatives, and trailblazers. The book is an important read not just for those facing challenges for sexual identity, but for parents of homosexual and heterosexual kids alike. Richie insists that all parents must understand the struggles of LGBTQ people in order to empower their LGBTQ teen and, if they have straight children, to teach them to be better allies to their queer peers. Please note that the term “queer” is used throughout this article and in the episode. Queer is a term that nowadays is used to describe anyone who is lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and/or questioning their sexuality. Though previously used as a gay slur, the word queer has been reclaimed as an empowering term to describe the LGBTQ people who have formed an inclusive culture and community for themselves despite facing challenges for sexual identity. Know Your History Richie believes that if you’re a parent of a queer teen, it’s vital that you be the one to show them how to face challenges for sexual identity. If you’re a straight parent, you may be thinking “how can I help them with challenges for sexual identity? I have no idea what it’s like to be LGBTQ!” In order to help them, Richie insists that you get informed about LGBTQ history, find shows that accurately and earnestly portray the queer experience, and provide an environment where talking about sexual identity is accepted. And parent’s of straight teens are not disqualified from talking about sexual identities with their kids. Richie insistst that it’s important for herosexual teens to learn about the queer experience in order to create a more accepting environment for their LGBTQ friends, classmates, and teachers. Starting a conversation about what it’s like to be queer can be as easy as sharing a personal story. For example, Richie shares his experience seeing the broadway show Torch Song Trilogy with his mother in the early 80’s. At the time, being gay was barely acknowledged and certainly not accepted. The show’s portrayal of a gay man was unlike anything he’d ever seen. After seeing the show, his mother told him that she would never reject him for being gay. His mother’s acceptance empowered Richie to come out and eventually use his challenges for sexual identity as an inspiration for many of his future endeavors. Richie states that the earlier parents express their acceptance and support of queerness in general, the easier it will be for queer teens to come out and the more prepared straight teens will be to provide allyship to the LGBTQ community. No matter your teen’s sexual identity or gender, making sure they are informed about LGBTQ history is an important part of instilling queer-affirming beliefs in your teen. That means teaching them about the Stonewall Riots, which was a series of political uprisings in response to police brutality against the LGBTQ community in 1969. It also means teaching them about the AIDS pandemic. Additionally, it’s important to teach teens about LBTQ activists like Marsha P. Johnson, an African American Drag Queen who was a major player in the Stonewall Riots. The list of important events and people in LGBTQ history is vast, and unfortunately wildly unknown because most schools ignore LGBTQ history. When queer teens learn about the multitude of LGBTQ people who paved the way for them to be open about their sexuality, they are more empowered to handle challenges for sexual identity. Additionally, straight teens will develop more empathy and understanding for their LGBTQ peers when they learn about the hardships queer people have endured to be accepted into modern society. Let’s Talk about Sex Richie points out that regardless of how progressive your teen’s school is, less than 7% of LGBTQ kids get an inclusive sexual education. This makes it harder for them to have mutually fulfilling intimacy with their partners and frankly, harder for them to know what to do when they have sex. Learning about same-sex intimacy can be uncomfortable and unfamiliar for many parents. But in order to support queer teens, you have to be open, informed, and frank with them about sex. To hear more about challenges for sexual identity when it comes to intimacy and how to talk about these challenges with queer teens, tune into the episode. Challenges for sexual identity are often caused by the misconceptions of heterosexual people who have no idea what it’s like to b... | |||
| 08 May 2022 | Ep 189: Boys’ Hidden Body Issues | 00:28:53 | |
Charlotte Markey joins us to discuss why market-driven media is toxic for teen body image, and how we can strike up important conversations about body positivity with our teens. Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation. Full show notes For kids growing up in the social media age, comparison is a constant struggle. Teens are bombarded 24/7 by influencers who post pictures of their unrealistic lives and seemingly perfect bodies–making teens feel like they’ll never measure up. This can cause both young men and women to constantly scrutinize their appearance, to the point of developing eating disorders or facing serious damage to their mental health! Although body image may seem like an afterthought to some adults, it’s a seriously significant part of young people’s lives that can even yield potentially dangerous outcomes.
Luckily, there are some things we can do to protect teens from the pressure to have a perfect body–and it starts with communication in our homes. Normalizing talk about body issues can do wonders for teens, especially those who feel like they’re struggling with it all alone. If we can guide them to become more conscious and critical about what they see online, we can help them learn to love themselves and their bodies unconditionally!
To help us get the conversation started, we’re talking to Charlotte Markey, author of Being You: The Body Image Book for Boys and The Body Image Book for Girls: Love Yourself and Grow Up Fearless. Charlotte is a professor of psychology at Rutgers University and a leading expert on body image research. She’s studied everything from weight management to eating disorders, and is the perfect person to talk to about how we can encourage teen body positivity!
In our interview, Charlotte explains what body positivity truly feels like, and how we can encourage teens to strive for self-acceptance. Plus, we’re talking all about online influencers, and how teens can defend themselves against the damaging messages of a market-driven media.
The Path to Body Positivity
Before we can really talk about having a positive body image, we’ve got to get to the bottom of what “body image” really means, says Charlotte. She explains that it’s greater than just wanting to be fat or skinny, have the perfect chest or defined features. It’s a much more encompassing feeling that includes being active, happy, well-rested and mentally sound. It’s largely related to mental health, says Charlotte, and takes into account how we feel, not just how we look.
This means feeling more than just neutral about our bodies, Charlotte explains. Body neutrality is ok, she says, but the goal is for us to be happy in our own skin. If teens can learn to have unconditional love and acceptance for their bodies, they’ll be able to free themselves from constant body negativity. Instead, they can dedicate that energy to other things like educating themselves, nurturing their relationships, and helping those in need! In the episode, Charlotte emphasizes how this unconditional love starts with parents opening up the conversation about body image at home.
But how can we actually get teens talking about body positivity? In our interview, Charlotte and I dive into why teens often don’t like to discuss their bodies. This is especially true for young men, who are typically taught to be strong and hold in negative feelings. Not to mention that our kids are two years into a pandemic, meaning they haven’t exactly had the easiest time connecting with peers over anything–especially body size! Having this conversation is certainly necessary, but it won’t be easy, Charlotte says. Don’t fear, however, because Charlotte is giving you some helpful tips for striking up this talk with your teens.
Creating a Conversation Around Body Image
So how can we start this critical conversation around body image when teens would rather lock themselves in their rooms? Charlotte recommends starting with being vulnerable yourself. Although we adults aren’t always on social media as much as kids, we’re still being affected everyday by online messaging! We might have our own issues with comparison, or feel anxious about the effects of aging on our bodies. If we can help kids understand that these concerns are totally normal, they might feel more comfortable opening up to talk about their own body.
Charlotte suggests asking lots of questions instead of giving kids a lecture. This can be especially useful if you notice a teen commenting on their own body or someone else’s. Prompting teens to explain their feelings further or think more critically about their comment might help them dig deeper and understand the origin of their judgements about the way bodies look! This can be a great first step to encouraging kids to challenge the things they see online.
Sometimes, kids just don’t want to listen to their parents. If this is the case for you and your kid, Charlotte suggests looping in another resource to get kids the help they need. If your teen is really struggling with body image issues, a trained counselor might be the best move. For teens who do better processing things on their own, there are some helpful websites that you can direct them to–or you can give them good old-fashioned books, like the ones Charlotte has published!
No matter how much work they do, kids are still going to be faced with the media saturated world they live in. But if we can develop an understanding about how these online forces affect teens' well-being, we can prevent social media from doing too much serious damage.
Although social media can be damaging, there are ways we can mitigate its effects on teens. The first step is to encourage teens to be more critical of what they see online. Teens need to know that the pictures of influencers on their Instagram feed are not only highly edited, but depict unrealistic bodies! Models and online personalities are usually paid to look good, meaning they put more time, money and effort into having the perfect image than the rest of us could likely ever manage!
When teens see these images, they start to immediately compare themselves to the person on the screen–and who could blame them? These apps are set up to run on the capitalization of beauty, explains Charlotte. When teens compare themselves, the app can sell them more beauty or fitness products. Cosmetic companies make money, the app makes money…but your teen is left feeling worse than ever. This market-driven social media ecosystem is definitely harmful for young minds and bodies, Charlotte explains.
Charlotte recommends reminding teens that they have the power to keep themselves from falling for this messaging. Our brains are hard-wired to compare us to others, but ultimately, we’re in control–meaning it doesn’t have to happen! Teens can unfollow those who make them feel bad, or choose to follow others who make them feel more comfortable in their own skin. Charlotte explains that this can sometimes be hard for kids to do, but with some encouragement, they’re more likely to take these steps towards a positive body image. | |||
| 16 Oct 2022 | Ep 212: Reset Health by Starting with Stress | 00:26:16 | |
Doni Wilson, author of Master Your Stress, Reset Your Health, joins us to explain the science behind the body’s stress response. We talk about how everyone’s reaction to stress is unique, and how teens can take some steps to de-stress. Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation. Full show notes Today’s teens are at risk of major stress overload. On top of managing their grades and competing for spots at exclusive universities, they’re battling the onslaught of a recession and a world battered by a pandemic. They’ve also got to navigate a complicated digital landscape! With phone notifications going off every five minutes demanding their attention, it’s no wonder teens are chronically stressed out. You may have heard of some stress relief methods for kids, like yoga, journaling, or taking long walks...but do they really work? Do teens need to go to therapy to feel better? Should they quit their extracurriculars to make more time for relaxation? What could possibly give kids the stress relief they need? The bottom line is, stress isn’t one-size-fits-all, and neither is the solution! If we want to find out how teens can de-stress, we’ll have to learn more about how each teen’s body processes stress in the first place. To learn more about the nuances of stress and possible solutions, we’re talking to Dr. Doni Wilson, author of Master Your Stress, Reset Your Health. Doni is a doctor of naturopathic medicine, a certified nutrition specialist, a bestselling author and an internationally renowned speaker! As a clinician, Doni focuses on stress recovery–specifically the regulation of hormones like adrenaline and cortisol. In our interview, Doni is breaking down the body’s stress response and how it affects everyone differently. We’re also discussing how teens can take some steps towards de-stressing, and how we can spot a teen that’s overwhelmed by stress.
Let’s say your teen is driving, only a few weeks after getting their license. They’re on the freeway, trying to merge into traffic, when suddenly a huge truck shows up on their left. They might feel a jolt of panic, as their body alerts itself to this new danger. This sensation is a result of their adrenal glands releasing adrenaline, says Doni, which is the body's first response to a stressful situation. The human brain is constantly monitoring its environment, ready to react to stress at any moment–and when something sets off a stress response, our adrenal glands get to work, says Doni. With the release of adrenaline, our bodies go into flight or flight mode, alerting our sympathetic nervous system and making us more alert. When responding to stress, our body also produces cortisol, another hormone. This raises our blood sugar, halts our digestion, and suppresses our immune system so that our body can devote all its energy to handling the stressor at hand, says Doni. These chemicals are necessary for human survival, as they help humans navigate intense situations–like our teen avoiding a truck on the road. But these hormones are supposed to subside once teens aren’t stressed anymore, so that the body can reset itself. When teens' lives are filled up with tests, college admissions essays, football practice, keeping up with their friends on the internet and worrying over the state of the world, they’re not giving their body a break from the stress. This can cause their stress monitoring systems to go haywire! Doni explains this system failure further in the episode, and the repercussions it can have on teens’ health. If we want teens to relieve their chronic stress, they’ll have to help their body reset. But how can they do this? In the episode, Doni is explaining how everyone’s body is different–so treatment has to be unique.
De-stressing looks different for everyone, Doni says. That’s because everyone’s body responds to stress differently. Everyone has varying levels of cortisol and adrenaline, she explains. Some people have a cortisol deficit and others produce too much. Some people are more prone to producing stress hormones in the morning, while others get stressed in the evening. There’s no one-size-fits-all solution to such a complex and varying problem, Doni says. Some of these differences can be attributed to genetics. Doni explains that some people are genetically predisposed to produce more cortisol, and feel higher levels of stress. There are also genetic differences that affect how quickly these hormones are metabolized. For some, a stress response can last a few minutes, while others feel stressed for hours. There are also generational aspects, Doni explains–the stress our parents and grandparents experienced can have an effect on how our own bodies process stress. Because everyone’s stress response is different, every individual requires a unique solution, says Doni. Instead of assigning blanket remedies for stress, Doni suggests taking your kid to a doctor to have their adrenaline and cortisol levels measured. In doing so, you can find out specific information about how your teen is handling all the stress of modern teen life–and how you can help them manage it. To get you started, however, Doni reveals some practices she often shares with her patients to help them both resolve and prevent stress.
A huge part of healing from chronic stress comes from certain herbs and nutrients, according to Doni. As she explains in our interview, chemicals like dopamine and serotonin that make us feel happy and content come from amino acids–which ultimately are produced by our diet! Eating nutritious foods can help us reset our systems and can even prevent teens from becoming overly stressed. Doni also recommends teens get adequate sleep. Humans need about seven to nine hours of sleep each night to maintain a healthy lifestyle, she explains, and without this, teens can easily become susceptible to stress. Exercise can help, but not always, says Doni, as it can raise cortisol levels for some depending on the intensity of the workout. Higher cortisol levels can make it harder to sleep, so Doni encourages teens to avoid exercising before bed. If you’re worried that your teen might be overwhelmed by stress, Doni says there’s a few signs you can look out for. Chronic headaches and stomachs can be the result of constant stress, as can tiredness. If teens show a sudden disinterest in something they used to enjoy, they might be struggling under a load of stress they can’t seem to get rid of. Doni suggests taking your teen to a doctor and having their hormone levels measured, to find individualized treatment that actually works!
If your teen is chronically stressed out, you won’t want to miss this episode. On top of the topics discussed above, we also talk about:
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| 06 Jun 2021 | Ep 141: Getting Comfortable with Anxiety | 00:30:02 | |
Ellen Hendriksen, author of How to Be Yourself, clues us in on what might be triggering your teen’s anxiety and perfectionism--and what you can do to help them overcome those and feel comfortable being themselves! Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation. Full show notes The high school social atmosphere is pretty terrifying. You might remember the feeling of your heart beating against your chest as you asked a table full of kids if you could sit with them, or the way you got tongue tied trying to talk to your crush in the hallway. As stressful as it is, it tends to pass in time as kids mature. For many teens, this is just a part of growing up. But for some, social anxiety is a major challenge that keeps them from finding friends and blossoming into confident adults. Too often, these teens let their social anxiety rule their lives. They flee any kind of challenging social interaction, falling into a pattern of avoidance. They never learn to challenge their fears and live in their comfort zones. Today, we’re talking to a social anxiety expert to learn how we can help teens break this cycle. Our guest is Dr. Ellen Hendriksen, author of How to be Yourself: Silence your Inner Critic and Rise Above Social Anxiety. Dr. Hendriksen is a clinical psychologist and faculty member at the Boston University Center for Anxiety and Related Disorders. She’s also the original host of the Savvy Psychologist podcast, which has been downloaded over 15 million times on Itunes. Dr. Hendriksen has spent years studying social anxiety, and she’s here to share all her expert knowledge with you today. In our interview, we cover what’s really going on in teen’s heads when they’re overwhelmed by social situations. We also get into all the wrong ways teens try to deal with social anxiety, and break down healthier methods for teens to shed the inhibitions that hold them back. The Psychology of Social Anxiety We all know what social anxiety feels like. But what’s going on in our brains when we’re getting butterflies in our stomach? And how is a socially anxious teenage mind different from that of an adult ? Ellen and I discuss how teenagers have prefrontal cortexes that have yet to fully develop, meaning their rationality can sometimes be lacking. Stressful social situations are instead processed in their amygdala, a part of the brain that regulates emotion. This means that teens are prone to think that a slight social mess-up is a life-ruining disaster. Dr. Hendriksen clarifies the difference between someone with a healthy amount of nerves and someone who might have an anxiety disorder. If social anxiety is a metaphorical fire, she describes the brain’s healthy response as “sending a fire truck” to put it out. For those who are more prone to being overcome with anxiety, she compares the brain’s response as a “man with a bicycle and a bucket of water.” It still works, it’s just slower. These people take more time to calm their nerves and find themselves seriously shook when they feel socially inept. Interestingly, Ellen goes on to explain how social anxiety is really a fear of being “revealed.” Those who grapple with heavy anxiety over talking to strangers or being vulnerable with others often believe that there’s something about them that is wrong or insufficient. Of course, this isn’t true, but it can certainly feel true! For a lot of teens, this feeling is linked to their appearance–maybe they’re self-conscious about their acne or compare their body to those of their peers. In our interview, Dr. Hendriksen and I discuss other ways teens tend to be insecure and how this causes them difficulty in social situations. So how can we help teens who let their social anxiety run their lives? Before we can talk about what we should do, Ellen explains behavior that we shouldn’t encourage, like avoidance, perfectionism, and what she calls “safety behaviors.” How Not to Handle Social Anxiety There are a lot of ways that teens tend to cope with social anxiety that only lead them further down an anxious rabbit hole. The most typical behavior, Ellen says, is avoidance. When situations make teenagers anxious, the quickest and most rewarding solution is to just get out of there. Dr. Hendriksen explains how this only leads to more anxiety down the line, as teens never learn how to deal with the triggers they’re faced with everyday. In addition, some people develop “safety behaviors”, or methods of shielding themselves from their anxieties. For a lot of socially anxious teens, walking around with headphones is a common safety behavior–it restricts them from talking to anyone, and, in their minds, saves them from embarrassing themselves. However, this behavior only keeps them from making any new friends at all, and in fact sends the message that they’re uninterested in anyone, leaving them to remain on the outskirts. Another problematic tendency teens adopt to try and remedy their anxiety is perfectionism, says Dr. Hendriksen. In order to try and become less insecure, they set certain labels or goals they want to reach. They adopt an attitude of all or nothing–they have to be the prettiest, the funniest, and the coolest, or they’re not worthy of having friends at all. But then they find themselves feeling ashamed when they can’t meet their own standards, says Ellen. And when they feel bad, they strive for their high standards to “fix” themselves, only to fall into a cycle. If these mechanisms only lead to disaster, what can we do to help kids beat their anxiety for the long term? Healthy Ways to Work on Social Stress Thankfully, Dr. Hendriksen has plenty of methods for dealing with social anxiety that are actually effective . One very powerful practice is cognitive restructuring. This entails challenging the natural, irrational assumptions of an anxious brain. Those with social anxiety might assume that talking to strangers will go horribly wrong, that they’ll be called names and the whole world will explode. The first step of cognitive restructuring is narrowing down what it is you’re afraid of. Anxiety tends to be vague, Ellen explains. Teens might have generalized fears of public speaking, but what is it exactly that they fear will happen? Let’s say your teen afraid that the whole crowd will laugh at them. The next step, says Dr. Hendriksen, is to help them evaluate just how statistically likely it is that their fear will occur. Have people laughed at them during a speech before? How often does that really happen? And if they still think their fear is likely to unfold in front of them, have them ask themselves how bad it would be if their fear did come true. Yes, they would be embarrassed, but chances are, the people in the room would forget about their speech by the next day and life would go on as normal. In addition to cognitive restructuring, Dr. Hendriksen emphasizes the importance of breaking the cycle of avoidance. Teens need to breach their comfort zones, she says, in order to truly leave their anxiety in the dust. When they face their fears, their brains gather data to understand just how greatly they overestimated the danger. They can dive back in with less fear when they’re challenged again. For socially anxious teens, going u... | |||
| 09 Oct 2022 | Ep 211: Everyday Risks We Take with Our Teen’s Health | 00:23:14 | |
Dr. Robert Lustig, author of Metabolical: The Lure and the Lies of Processed Food, Nutrition, and Modern Medicine, joins us to talk about how sugar and processed foods really affect our kids. Plus, how we can make a shift towards a healthier lifestyle. Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation. Full show notes When life gets stressful and busy, convenient processed foods can be an easy fix. If you’re already late for work and your teen is scrambling to get out the door in the morning, frozen waffles or fruit loops are suddenly much more realistic than scrambled eggs and fruit. When you’re exhausted coming home from work, it can feel impossible to do anything more than throw some pizza rolls in the oven for the kids and pour yourself a glass of wine. But these processed foods aren't just slightly bad for your health–they can be downright poisonous for you and your family. The refined sugars and lack of nutritional benefits in these convenience foods causes serious damage to the digestive system and contributes to the development of metabolic diseases like heart disease, diabetes and more. If we want to take care of our kids’ health (and our own), our families have got to start eating better. To learn how, we’re talking to Dr. Robert Lustig, author of Metabolical: The Lure and the Lies of Processed Food, Nutrition, and Modern Medicine. Dr. Lustig is an Emeritus Professor of Pediatrics in the division of Endocrinology at the University of California San Francisco. He lectures globally about health and is the best selling of several other books about nutrition. In our interview, Dr. Lustig and I are covering the surprising science behind our sugary diets–and why it's so essential that we change our eating habits. Plus, why our families should be consuming more fiber, and why today’s kids are so addicted to junk food.
When we think of sugary foods, we often envision donuts or candy…but there are all kinds of sugars in processed foods. In fact they’re usually the number one ingredient, hiding under names like “high-fructose corn syrup,” says Dr. Lustig. All this sugar in our diet is causing insulin resistance in our bodies, Dr. Lustig explains. This means we’re often overproducing insulin to compensate. As a result, humans are developing kinds of metabolic health issues–everything from polycystic ovary syndrome to cancer. All this insulin can also cause us to be pretty sluggish, Dr. Lustig explains. If your kid is chronically exhausted, high insulin might be the culprit. Insulin isn’t all bad! We still need it in our bodies to function normally, says Dr. Lustig, and without it, we'd have type one diabetes. But with all the sugar we tend to eat these days, our insulin levels are a lot higher than they should be, leading to poor health and chronic conditions. While exercise can help improve our health, nothing can fix this high insulin crisis except changing our diets, says Dr. Lustig. This is especially true for teens who are still growing and need all the nutrients they can get! So what changes can we make to our diets to bring our insulin levels down and restore our body’s healthy diets? As you might be able to guess, cutting out sugary and processed foods is step one, according to Dr. Lustig. This means cutting out things like chips, processed breakfast cereals, and soda. But what about diet sweeteners? Dr. Lustig explains that while these fake sugars are about half as toxic as sugar itself, they’re still not a good idea! Teens would be better off cutting soda and other “sugar-free” treats out altogether. Once we've cut these foods out, what can we eat instead? One incredibly important nutrient our families should be eating more of is fiber! Dr. Lustig and I dive into what fiber actually is and why it’s so good for us.
You may have heard that fiber is good for you… but what is fiber exactly? Dr. Lustig explains that fiber is often found in fruits, vegetables, and pretty much anything else that comes out of the ground! Fiber is especially important because it feeds our microbiome. In our guts, there are trillions of bacteria that break down our food and regulate what goes into our bloodstream. Our bodies don’t absorb fiber the way it typically absorbs other foods. Instead fiber feeds this bacteria in our guts and keeps our microbiome healthy. Without fiber, our bacteria eats away at our intestinal lining instead…causing irreparable damage to our digestive system. This means bad proteins can slip through the gut into the bloodstream, causing inflammation, leaky gut, and more! If we want our insulin to stay down and our digestion to remain healthy, we’ve got to eat more fiber, says Dr. Lustig. Educating our kids on why fiber is essential to their health might help even the most unenthusiastic teens pick up a vegetable or two. Why is it that kids are so resistant to eating healthy, nutritious foods? Dr. Lusting and I are diving into this dilemma in our interview.
If you’ve walked through the cereal aisle at your local grocery store, you know that most of the sugary, processed products are covered in cartoon characters and bright colors meant to draw kids in. And although teens may have grown out of that kind of stuff, they’re likely still hooked on the cereal inside the boxes. By targeting young kids, these companies have created an addiction to sugar that often continues into young adulthood, says Dr. Lustig. Our school system isn’t helping, Dr. Lustig explains. Every kid’s birthday is suddenly a cause for cupcakes, cookies, pizza and soda….and every day is a different kid’s birthday! Not to mention that America’s #1 vendor of fast food is the public school system. Kids are constantly fed fried chicken, sugary drinks, and processed sweets instead of fresh, healthy food. This is largely due to the measly budget of $2.80 the government provides for each student’s lunch! Junk food in schools isn’t just causing health problems, but damaging kids’ cognition! These high-sugar foods starve kids’ cells of nutrients, making it impossible for those cells to deliver chemical energy to kids’ brains.In the episode, Dr. Lustig explains how healthy lunches are the key to keeping our kids focused and active. In the Episode… Dr. Lustig is full of valuable advice! On top of the topics discussed above, we also talk about…
If you enjoyed this week’s episode, you can find more from Dr. Lustig at Robertlustig.com or on twitter @RobertLustigMD. Thanks for listening, and don’t forget to share and subscribe! We’ll see you next week. Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. ... | |||
| 25 Jul 2021 | Ep 148: The Biggest Financial Decision of Their Lives | 00:22:52 | |
Dr. Beth Akers, author of Making College Pay and an economist, takes a cold hard look with Andy at what the data says about “investing” in college. What’s more important: choice of major or choice of college? Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation. Full show notes Deciding on a college is one of the biggest decisions teens will make in their lives. There are so many factors to consider. How big are the classes? Will they be able to make connections in their chosen field? What do the dorms look like? With so many different schools and so many majors, finding the right fit can feel impossible. But there’s one aspect of the college search we don’t always talk about, even though it’s arguably the most important of all: the finances. We’re often so focused on helping young adults find a place that feels right or looks beautiful that we neglect to dive deep into how we’re going to foot the bill, in the present and down the line, in the case of loans. And even if we do find a way to pay, we often don’t pause to consider whether the degree we’re paying for is going to deliver a return on investment! This is especially true for those of us who are taking out loans. If we’re going to be in debt, it’s wise to know if and when we’ll eventually be able to pay it off. To really wrap our heads around college finances, we’re talking to Beth Akers, author of Making College Pay: An Economist Explains How to Make a Smart Bet on Higher Education. Beth is a resident scholar at the American Enterprise Institute and an expert in the economics of labor and higher education. She believes that everyone should have access to comprehensive financial information about college, so they can avoid making a decision they regret. In our interview, we’re breaking down why we often don’t talk about the financial aspects of choosing a college. We're also talking about how a student’s major affects their future prospects, and revealing a smarter way to go about taking out loans. If you’re searching for the best way to educate your kids without breaking the bank, this episode is for you! Changing the College Conversation When it comes to picking a school, we often encourage young people to follow their heart, and do what feels right. We romanticize the idea of finding a school that’s the perfect fit, a place they’ll fall in love with where they’ll have the time of their lives. And while it’s important to consider this sentimental side of college, we tend to completely ignore the practical side: how much it will cost, how it’s going to get paid for and if it’s really a sound financial decision! In fact, when Beth traveled to college campuses and quizzed students on how much they were spending on tuition...most of them didn’t know! Beth believes this is why so many people get stuck with an unpayable amount of debt after they graduate, because they didn’t figure out a plan before jumping in. Although it would be nice if we could romanticize college and see it as a purely emotional journey, the reality is that college is expensive! For most people, figuring out how to afford their degree should be a hot topic of conversation, not an afterthought, says Beth. When it comes down to it, college is often the biggest financial event of a person’s life, other than maybe buying a house! So why don’t we talk about it in the same light as paying off a mortgage?? In the episode, Beth and I break down why it is that we focus on prestigious names or pretty campuses instead of payment plans. Interestingly, social media can play a role, says Beth, as students want to show off their enrollment at a shiny private school...even if it’s going to put them in debt for the rest of their lives! Although picking a school definitely matters, Beth explains in the episode that salaries after college actually depend a lot more on the graduate’s major than their chosen college. She and I get into how your student’s course of study factors into the financial risk of attendance. Making the Most of a Major Picking a major is never an easy process. Kids often find themselves torn between their passion and a more practical choice. Beth’s goal is to simply give the financial data on what graduates of different majors earn, not to necessarily tell students what major to choose. In her book, she outlines which majors are financially lucrative and which ones aren’t quite so promising. Beth advises parents and teens to use this information to decide whether or not they’ll be able to pay back loans after they get their diploma. Beth also explains that we tend to paint with broad strokes when it comes to majors: defining science and math as more valuable and art is a less wise choice. In fact there’s more variation in the earnings of graduates across schools and majors than you might think. All in all, she advises people to become informed about how much of a financial gamble they are taking when they pick a major, and then assess their own personal tolerance for risk . But what about the kids who don’t know what they want to do? In the episode, Beth and I weigh the pros and cons of going into college undeclared. Beth is reluctant to encourage teens to jump right into an expensive degree if they don’t quite know what they’re doing. Adding on extra years of college to try and figure out a path is a pretty costly way to go about self discovery! Although it’s often frowned upon in our culture, Beth suggests students take a gap year, or engage in activities outside of secondary education to help them find some direction before enrolling in classes. Once students have selected a school and a major, they have to settle on a budget...which often means taking out student loans. Often, these loans can become a nightmare after a student’s graduation. Beth and I discuss loan repayment in our interview, and she reveals a unique strategy for making the most of a college savings account. Student Loan Secrets As an economist, Beth has some outside-the-box ideas about how parents and students can take on the student loan process. If you had a chunk of cash reserved for college, the best thing to do would be to spend it on tuition...right? Actually, Beth has another method she recommends, a method that includes, surprisingly, taking out loans. In the episode, she explains how, by investing your college savings, you can get a higher return, which you can then use to pay off your loan debt when you graduate. Of course, this also takes financial discipline. Instead of spending those savings, you’ll have to leave them in your investments to collect interest. This might seem simple to some, but could feel impossible to others! It depends on how you or your teen handle your personal finances. She also explains how taking on federal student loans can actually be a smart idea for some people. To start, they have pretty low interest rates–around 3%. And although they can be a headache to deal with, there have been small policy changes over the last few years that actually make them a realistic option for some, she says. Depending on how much you earn after graduating, you can make fairly small payments, or even pay zero. And if your income happens to stay low, there are ways the loans can eventually be forgiven. In the Episode… | |||
| 09 Jul 2023 | Ep 249: The Keys to Instilling Confidence | 00:26:48 | |
Selena Rezvani, author of Quick Confidence, joins us to discuss misperceptions around confidence and resilience. We learn the counterintuitive role vulnerability and authenticity have in raising confident teens. Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation. Full Show Notes Raising teenagers in today’s world comes with its unique set of challenges - among them, helping our teens navigate the tightrope of self-confidence. Often, society pushes a surface-level idea of confidence, emphasizing a façade of fearlessness and bravado. However, true confidence—rooted in authenticity, vulnerability, and self-expression—offers a more meaningful and resilient foundation for our teens as they journey toward adulthood. Today, we're thrilled to be joined by Selena Rezvani, a renowned speaker, content creator, and commentator on leadership, and the author of the insightful book, "WIC Confidence." Selena brings a fresh perspective on building genuine confidence that celebrates individuality and encourages connection. First Impressions and Authenticity We start with a conversation on the pressures teens face to conform in new situations and how striving for positive first impressions often leads to hiding their true selves. Selena offers practical advice on breaking the ice and forming connections without sacrificing authenticity. The discussion includes actionable tips for parents on guiding their teens through these social dynamics. The Power of Outfits Selena introduces us to the concept of a "power outfit" and how attire can significantly influence confidence levels. We explore how teens can identify clothing that makes them feel powerful and authentic, crafting a personal style that boosts their confidence. Acts of Non-Compliance In a world that often demands conformity, standing out can be daunting for teens. Selena discusses the importance of acts of non-compliance as a form of self-expression and authenticity. This segment provides parents with strategies to support their teens in embracing and showcasing their unique identities, even when it challenges societal norms. Handling Toxic Relationships Navigating relationships is a critical part of adolescence. Selena shares insights into recognizing and dealing with toxic people, emphasizing the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say no. We delve into practical ways parents can equip their teens with the skills to protect their energy and prioritize their well-being in all types of relationships. Additional Topics Covered
Listen to the episode and subscribe to Talking to Teens for more insights into the art of parenting teenagers. Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation. | |||
| 23 Aug 2020 | Ep 100: Artistic Teen? Time to Get Creative... | 00:21:01 | |
Bill Deresiewicz, bestselling author and our first ever guest on the show, re-joins us for our 100th episode to talk about his latest book The Death of the Artist. We discuss if art is even a worthy pursuit for young people today and if so, what can young people expect. Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation. Full show notes When our kid says they want to pursue art as a career, we can sometimes be hesitant to support them. We have no doubt that they’re talented: we’ve seen them receive standing ovations at the end of a musical theater performance, rack up trophies and medals for photography, maybe even have their creative writing featured in the local paper. But that’s now--pursuing work as an adult creative conjures up the image of the starving artists, of young people struggling financially and emotionally as they try desperately to make it big in the fast paced world of art and entertainment. We want our kids to be financially stable, instead of living hand to mouth. Should we be encouraging our kids to pursue careers as bankers and programmers, even though it means they’re talent will go to waste? Can our kids really make enough money from their art to live happy and healthy lives? If only someone could tell us what it’s like to pursue a life as an artist in the modern age, so we could know if a stable future in the arts is truly possible. If only there was a person out there who knows exactly why it’s hard to make money as an artist, and whether or not we should encourage our kids to go after a career in art… Luckily, our guest today, Bill Deresiewicz, knows a thing or two (and much more) about artists in today’s world. He interviewed almost 200 artists—-filmmakers, writers, illustrators, and more—-for his recent book, The Death of the Artist: How Creators are Struggling to Survive in the Age of Billionaires and Big Tech. In his book and our interview, Bill dives deep into the realities of being a modern creative. In today’s episode, he explains why he thinks young people should continue to pursue careers in the arts, even though it's harder than ever to break through. He talks about the serious obstacles facing artists today, but also the important role art plays in our society and in the lives of young artists. The Value of Art and Artists Many kids spend their whole life thinking they’re unintelligent because they aren’t great in a traditional classroom setting, can’t solve equations or memorize dates--until they discover art. Suddenly they find that they have a treasure trove of talent and buckets of passion. They may have been called lazy or stupid for not execlling in chemistry, but what they really needed was someone to hand them some sheet music or a camera. Bill speaks on how our education often mistreats these kids, how they aren’t taught to foster their talents. Instead, they are put into certain boxes that they just don’t fit into, and are constantly being told they’re just not as capable as other kids. If we can give these kids a chance to flourish, they can become shining stars, instead of barely keeping up. Ok, you might be saying to yourself, but what about that whole financial stability thing? Sure, some kids are better at art than math, but if we know there’s not a lot of money in art, wouldn’t it be more valuable to just find a better math tutor? What could they possibly gain from painting or dancing that could equate to time spent doing calculus? Actually, there’s a lot of incredible, widely applicable things our kids can learn from practicing in the arts. Bill tells a great anecdote that demonstrates this. He interviewed a professor of theater for his book, who talked all about an enlightening experience she had running into an old student. The student had studied theatrical lighting design, but had gone on to become a manager at a major electronics company. As she told the professor, the student got her start with the company through theater work. Not only that, she credited theater with giving her all the skills that made her qualified to be a manager: the ability to meet a deadline, to finish projects under budget, and to collaborate with others towards a common goal. We often overlook arts education, but it can be more valuable for our teens than we might think. If kids are passionate about art and spend time perfecting their craft, they’ll learn skills that transcend far beyond watercolors or improv. They’ll learn dedication, self efficacy, and grit. Then, even if they decide to branch away from the arts at some point in their life, they’ll be able to carry these skills into other roles and occupations. It’s easy to dismiss young artists, but when it comes down to it, we all need a little art in our lives. Whether it’s the TV shows we watch to unwind after a stressful day or the tunes we listen to on the radio while driving to the grocery store, art makes life a little more enjoyable. This raises the question however: if we all need art, why is it so hard to make a living as an artist? Why Modern Artists are Struggling We know that creating works of art is never going to be as stable as crunching numbers or prescribing medication, but Bill says making money as an artist is even more difficult now than it was twenty or thirty years ago. Why? Bill points to the fact that nowadays, a lot of music, film, and visual art is available for free or cheap online. Instead of paying $20 for a DVD copy of a movie, you can find it online at a free website where pirated films are bountiful. Instead of buying a book in hard copy, you can probably find a PDF online somewhere you can download at no cost. It’s not just piracy driving this free-art society; there's been a general cultural shift. People have gotten used to enjoying music and movies without being charged, whether that’s on Instagram, Spotify, or Youtube. These platforms make it easy for artists to upload—-no labels, publishers, or managers necessary—-but they also don’t provide an easy way for creators to make money. Even if there is a wider audience online with more accessible materials and outlets, it doesn’t mean your teenager will be able to stand out against the millions of other people putting art online. Nowadays comercial book publishers publish about 75,000 books a year—-meanwhile, there are about 1 million books self published online in the same amount of time. With all that competition, it’s hard for your teen to stand out. This in turn makes it difficult to make any money. So when it comes down to it, is it a good idea for our kids to pursue a living in art? And how can we make art a more feasible career for young people? In the Episode…. Bill answers these questions and many more in our conversation. He’s talked to working professionals from many different fields of artistic expression: film and television, visual art, writing and music--all with varying degrees of career success. His tips provide a lot of context for the parent of any teen hoping to make a career out of creativity. We talk about:
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| 13 Dec 2020 | Ep 116: Time Management for More Focused Teens | 00:28:43 | |
Leslie Josel, author of How To Do It Now Because It’s Not Going Away and global time management expert, shares her passion for planners, productivity, and practicing. Find out the tricks for helping teens get more homework done (on time) and retain more information! Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation. Full show notes When kids are tired from a long day of classes and basketball practice and it’s time to get cracking on some calculus, their gaze might drift from the textbook to their Instagram feed for an hour...or two hours...and then maybe they’ll watch a little Netflix, text their friends, make a TikTok...before they know it, it’s 10 p.m. and they haven’t even started! Procrastination can get the better of all of us occasionally, let’s be honest–but for students, it can often become a damaging habit that holds them back from getting the grades they hope for or finishing a college app on time. When it comes down to it, procrastination can often take hold of a teen’s time and simply not let go. To help kids battle their inner procrastinator and become time management experts, we’re talking with Leslie Josel, author of How to Do it Now Because it's Not Going Away: An Expert Guide to Getting Stuff Done. Leslie has been working with teens and college students for almost twenty years to help them untangle their lives from the sticky web of procrastination and create order from their own personal chaos. In our interview, she’s giving you tons of tips to guide your teen towards living a more organized life. We’re chatting about how teens can tackle time management, what kids can learn about their habits by doing some self reflection, and how we can give students some control over their learning process to get them more excited about their education. Teaching Teens Time Management Leslie is seriously passionate about time management, and she’s got some innovative solutions to your teen’s procrastination problem. During our interview, she proposed a unique tool to help kids keep track of time, a tool they might not be familiar with: an analog clock. That’s right, a clock that ticks every second, with hands that move. You know, from the old days! She insists that analog clocks serve an important overall purpose: visualizing and externalizing time. What in the world does that mean, you ask? It means using objects and divides to get a sense of the passing of time. This includes a calendar, a timer, a planner–and yes, an analog clock– things that remind teens exactly where in time we are. When teenagers place themselves on a timeline, they can better estimate how long it will take to complete a given task. By using devices to externalize time, teens can give their daily tasks a beginning, middle and end, allowing them to effectively judge how much time they need to spend on this and when they’ll need to be done with that. Instead of just floating unmoored in the hours, they’ll be able to know where they need to direct their energy. This comes into play when setting rules for kids about what they need to get done. Telling a kid to work on their homework for twenty minutes before sitting down to dinner is going to be a lot more comprehensible than asking them to finish their assignment, Leslie says. In the episode, she breaks down other ways we can help kids stay in control of their time, instead of letting time control them. Helping Teens Understand Their Habits For teens to master time management, they first need to identify where and when procrastination seems to take its toll. If they can take some time to consider their daily habits, they’ll be able to find where they’re going wrong and solve their productivity problems. Leslie encourages teens to map out their time usage in a day on a piece of paper or digital document. This gives them the chance to identify where in the day they are losing time to procrastination, when exactly they are most productive, and what they can do to improve their overall time management. This activity pushes your kids to confront themselves so that you don’t have to! Instead of telling them that they waste too much time, encourage them to record their own data about their habits–they’ll be able to see their procrastination on the paper in front of them! It can be a thought provoking and even fun experience for them to reflect on how they live and how they can maximize their productivity from day to day. Leslie says that if kids do realize they have serious time management problems, they often explain their behavior as a self fulfilling prophecy. They think that poor time management is “just the way they work” or simply describe themselves as “lazy”. In the episode, Leslie talks about how we can help kids change their attitudes to shift their self image and become the productive people they were meant to be. Once teens get to the bottom of their procrastination problems, they’ll be able to manage their time more effectively...but how can we help them go even one step further? By finding the study methods that grant them the most effective learning experience. Discovering the Right Study Habits When we look at the research, we find that the most common source of disagreement and discord among teens and their parents is homework. All teens have to do it, but not all teens study the same way–creating a lot of tension between teens who are fed up with what’s expected and parents who just want to see students successful. Leslie says what teens need to do is discover their own personal studying preferences. Some students do their best work at a coffee shop, surrounded by crowds of talking people. Others prefer to listen to rock music as they solve equations, or, as Leslie hilariously mentions in an anecdote in the episode, sit in the bathtub! When students understand what works best for them, their productivity will get a boost. There are also lots of other small ways Leslie says kids can become better learners. Incorporating physical activity into the long hours of hitting the books helps improve retention of material. Reviewing things about a half hour before bedtime is also a proven method to help info stick in teens’ brains. Incorporating variation into study habits keeps things exciting and has been shown to be effective at helping teens remember facts and figures. In the episode, Leslie talks about why she personally objects to the term “studying”, saying we should instead opt for the word “practice”. She believes it’s more active, more energetic, and more interesting than “studying”, and helps kids see studying as something to be desired in the same way they might practice soccer, guitar or dancing. We discuss this in more depth in the interview. In the Episode… Leslie was such a joy to interview this week, and her ideas about teenage productivity are so helpful to parents everywhere. In addition to the topics mentioned above, we cover:
While procrastination might feel inevitable, Leslie’s advice is here to guide your teen towards reaching their high... | |||
| 11 Oct 2020 | Ep 107: Only 7% of Parents Do This... | 00:27:30 | |
Megan Maas, PhD, award-winning researcher at Michigan State University, leads us through the latest reports on pornography use among adolescents. Andy learns only 7% of parents have talked to their teens about porn. Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation. Full show notes When it comes to having hard conversations with teenagers, talking about pornography is often one of the most awkward and unprecedented topics to cover. It feels so private, so uncomfortable to bring up….especially with your own child! It’s ever so tempting to just skip the conversation altogether. It’s not that likely that your teen is watching porn….right? Quite the contrary. In fact, recent research indicates that about 90% of boys and 60% of girls today are exposed to porn before the age of 17. Not only that, but about a third of teenagers say they watch porn regularly, on a weekly or monthly basis. In contrast, only about 7% of parents have talked to their teenagers about pornography. And with modern pornography becoming more and more exploitative of both it’s stars and it’s viewers, teens could be at risk of viewing some seriously dark stuff--and getting into some frightening patterns. That’s why we have the brilliant Megan Maas on the podcast this week. She’s a seasoned sex educator and researcher of adolescent psychology, and focuses a lot of her energy on helping teenagers and parents become more comfortable with talking about pornography and it’s effects. She’s here to chat all about how to start those hard conversations about porn--and explain why they’re so important. In the episode, Megan dives into why porn is becoming more and more frightening for young people, the possible effects of watching too much porn as a teen, and how we can strike up those talks about porn we might be dreading. When Porn Becomes Problematic Since we rarely talk about porn--and usually experience it behind closed doors--we might not see it as a widespread phenomenon. However, if we look at statistics about internet usage, we find that the popular pornography website, Pornhub, recieves more traffic than Amazon, Netflix, and Twitter combined. Almost thirty percent of the content that exists online can be classified as pornography...meaning that there’s more porn on the internet than any of us could ever live long enough to watch! With all that porn available to viewers, companies that produce pornogrpahy have had to take new measures to get views, and these measures aren’t exactly the most positive for performers or our teens. In order to compete for clicks, companies are more likely to make videos increasingly risque and shocking. This kind of porn is what we want to keep teens from watching, porn that disregards the idea of consent, respect, and pleasure in sexual intimacy. Although there is porn out there that isn’t necessarily damaging, porn that shows healthy sexual activity between consenting partners, these videos are often mixed in with or buried under much more toxic and disturbing material. You might be thinking that the easiest solution is to download software to block porn sites on your teen’s computer, or punish them for watching these videos. However, these restrictions might only make the problem worse, Megan warns. In the episode, she discusses how trying to keep teens from watching porn together may only cause them to become more interested in watching it--and internalizing what they see. In addition to tackling toxic porn, Megan also touches on another important concern--what might happen if your teen develops a porn addiction? The Effects of Too Much Porn We know it’s natural for teens to develop sexual urges after puberty, and that they may be attracted to porn occasionally when seeking sexual arousal, but when should we be concerned about the quantity of porn they consume? In the episode, Megan and I discuss some common questions surrounding excessive porn use among teenagers. Does watching exessive pornography from a young age make teens more inclined to sexual violence? Does porn replace the need for actual sexual activity if it’s consumed too heavily? Megan shares knowledge from her own research as well as other studies to talk about how porn affects the teenage brain. She discusses why it is exactly thar teens are having less sex these days than they used to--a phenomenon often falsely attributed to teens’ porn consumption. She also equates pornography with fast food: although it can be enjoyable and convenient, it can also have damaging effects if too consumed too much. Megan and I talk in more depth about how this idea can extend past the sphere of pornography to incoporate other areas of modern teenage life. Does social media replace teens' need for actual socialization? Tune in to hear what Megan has to say about how today’s technology affects teen behavior all around But back to the topic at hand. You know the dangers that pornography can pose to your teen, and it’s time to educate them to ensure they traverse the internet safely. We know starting that conversation isn’t easy, but Megan is here to help. Talking to Your Teen About Pornography When sitting your teen down to discuss this potentially awkward subject, just remember: it’s totally natural for any teen to be interested in pornography. Although pornography as we know it developed in the mid twentieth century with photography and videography becoming more and more accessible over time, erotica and erotic images have existed in every civilization since the beginning of time. Megan suggests entering the conversation with the mindset that all teenagers are likely experiencing newfound sexual urges and that these feelings are simply a product of biology. Since it’s likely that teens are going to be encountering porn regardless of what you say, Megan explains how you can give your teen a comprehensive run-down of the things they should be looking out for when choosing what porn to watch. Porn that features consent, protection, and mutual pleasure are the ones teenagers should be watching, if they choose to watch any, says Megan. Instead of just having one big talk about sex and pornography, Megan suggests having many small talks over time, starting early and continuing indefinitely. By frequently checking in on your teenager’s sexual health and development, you can ensure that they’re remaining safe and secure in their own body. Having an open line of communication can help you build trust with your teen, meaning they’re more likely to clue you in when something’s wrong. Overall, the important thing is to remind your teen that they are valuable, smart, and have control over their own mind and body. By teaching them to think critically about porn and their own sexual preferences, you are allowing them to have agency over their own sexual choices, instead of shame or confusion. In the Episode... On top of addressing possible concerns that you might have about your teen’s porn consumption and giving tips for starting conversations about responsible porn use with your teen, Megan and I discuss:
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| 24 Mar 2024 | Ep 284: Understanding Your Tween: The Journey of Growth | 00:19:03 | |
Tanith Carey, author of What's My Tween Thinking?, returns to discuss the distinct challenges and opportunities of parenting tweens, focusing on identity development, handling changing family dynamics, navigating peer influence, and fostering emotional awareness and introspection in 8 to 12-year-olds. Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation. Full Show Notes As parents, witnessing our child morph from a carefree kid into a tween can sometimes feel like navigating uncharted waters. The tween years, traditionally seen as a quiet phase before the storm of the teenage years, are now understood to be a crucial period of identity development and emotional growth. It's a time when children start to question their place in the world, develop deeper peer relationships, and often begin to seek independence from their families. This week on Talking to Teens, we’re joined by Tanith Carey, a renowned author and educator known for her insightful books on parenting, including the highly-praised What's My Tween Thinking?. Tanith offers her expertise to unravel the complex emotional landscape of tweens and provides practical advice for guiding them through this pivotal stage. Identity Exploration and Peer Influence The tween years are marked by a significant exploration of identity. Tanith explains that as children move through this phase, they start to compare themselves to their peers, which can lead to new insecurities and doubts. The establishment of more defined friendship groups also introduces tweens to the complexities of social hierarchies and conflicts. Tanith stresses the importance of preparing tweens for these experiences by discussing the broader picture, helping them understand the nature of social dynamics and encouraging self-reflection and emotional awareness. Navigating Family Dynamics and Independence As tweens seek more independence, family dynamics can shift dramatically. Tanith shares how parents can manage these changes, from the tween's desire for private space to their evolving way of relating to family members. She emphasizes respect for the tween's growing need for autonomy while maintaining open lines of communication and connection. Tackling Tough Topics and Social Media Influence Tanith and Andy dive into some of the more challenging aspects of parenting tweens, including handling exposure to negative societal messages and navigating the digital landscape. Tanith offers advice on discussing sensitive topics like appearance, peer pressure, and the impact of social media, highlighting the importance of encouraging tweens to critically evaluate the messages they receive and to develop a strong sense of self-awareness. Encouraging Emotional Awareness and Introspection One of the key themes throughout the episode is the importance of fostering emotional awareness and introspection in tweens. Tanith shares strategies for helping tweens tune into their feelings and bodily sensations as a way of understanding their emotions, making healthier choices, and developing resilience. This focus on introspection is particularly vital in an age dominated by digital distractions and societal pressures. In the Episode… Apart from the topics mentioned above, Tanith and Andy also discuss: Tanith Carey's work provides invaluable insights into the tween mind, offering practical tips and compassionate guidance for parents navigating these formative years. Her evidence-based approach emphasizes the importance of understanding, communication, and emotional intelligence in fostering healthy development and strong parent-tween relationships. Don’t miss this enlightening conversation on what it means to parent a tween in today's world. Tune in to learn more about how you can support your tween’s journey of self-discovery and emotional growth. Subscribe to the Talking to Teens podcast for more expert advice on the art and science of parenting teenagers. Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation. | |||
| 17 Mar 2024 | Ep 283: Soothe Anxiety with...Food? | 00:19:29 | |
Dr. Uma Naidoo, author of "This Is Your Brain on Food" and "Calm Your Brain with Food," discusses how dietary choices can significantly impact anxiety levels and overall mental wellness, highlighting the critical connections between gut health, inflammation, and the brain. Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation. Full Show Notes Raising teenagers is no easy feat, especially when dealing with the complexities of their mental health. In today's fast-paced and stress-filled world, an increasing number of teens are facing anxiety. While therapy and coping strategies are essential tools, there's an often overlooked component that could be contributing significantly to your teenager's anxiety: their diet. Our guest today is Dr. Uma Naidoo, a renowned psychiatrist, nutrition specialist, and author. Dr. Naidoo has made groundbreaking strides in the field of nutritional psychiatry, showcasing the profound effect food has on our mental state, specifically anxiety. Through her work, she uncovers the intricate connections between what we eat, the health of our gut, and how our brain functions. Understanding the Gut-Brain Connection Dr. Naidoo takes us through the fascinating gut-brain axis, explaining how these two seemingly disconnected body parts communicate through neurotransmitters and hormones. Foods with high glycemic loads, artificial sweeteners, and certain fats can cause inflammation not only in our bodies but also in our brains, exacerbating anxiety and other mental health issues. Nourishment for Mental Health Transitioning to healthier eating habits can seem daunting, but Dr. Naidoo provides practical advice and easy-to-follow steps for gradually making these changes. Focusing on whole, unprocessed foods rich in fiber, omega-3 fatty acids, and magnesium can have a positive impact on mental well-being. She also warns against the overconsumption of caffeine and the importance of avoiding foods that can interfere with medications prescribed for mental health conditions like ADHD. Nutritional Psychiatry at Home For parents, implementing Dr. Naidoo's advice means taking a more active role in food choices at home. She offers suggestions for incorporating more nutrient-dense foods into family meals and explains how simple swaps can lead to significant improvements in a teenager's mood and anxiety levels. In this episode, we also cover additional topics, including: - The effects of sugar and processed foods on mental health Dr. Naidoo's unique perspective on nutritional psychiatry provides a fresh outlook on managing anxiety through diet. It's a reminder that sometimes, the best medicine comes not from a prescription bottle, but from our own kitchens. If you're intrigued by the powerful connection between what we eat and how we feel, make sure to subscribe to Talking to Teens and look into Dr. Naidoo's work for more insights into harnessing the power of food to foster better mental health in your family. Listen to this enlightening conversation and start making those small, yet impactful changes in your and your teenager's diet today. Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation. | |||
| 29 May 2022 | Ep 192: Dads and Daughters | 00:32:01 | |
Kimberly Wolf, author of Talk with Her, joins us to talk about the challenges facing dads when it comes to raising teen daughters. Plus, what to do when teens rebel against what we believe in, and how we can create safe spaces for our kids to be vulnerable. Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation. Full show notes Raising a girl in today’s society comes with so many challenges. Young women are juggling puberty, sexuality, academics, friendships and more, all while trying to navigate the pressures of the online world. The constant presence of social media puts pressure on teens to have the perfect body, the best clothes, and the coolest friends–basically to live an impossibly perfect life! When teens are obsessing over instagram, suddenly wearing crop tops, fighting with all their friends and declaring that they’re failing chemistry….it can be easy to feel like there’s no possible way to help them get through it all. To make matters worse, our teen girls aren’t exactly receptive to talking about any of it. As young women inch closer to adulthood, they tend to resent taking any advice from parents, and it seems like everything we say just makes them mad! But just because girls are changing, doesn’t mean we can’t still be an important part of their lives. This week, we’re helping guide you towards having more positive, productive conversations with your daughters, especially during such a critical period in their lives. Joining us today is Kimberly Wolf, author of Talk with Her: A Dad’s Essential Guide to Raising Healthy, Confident, and Capable Daughters. Although her book focuses on dad-daughter relationships, Kim knows quite a bit about how all parents can cultivate healthy communication with their girls! She’s an educator and speaker who holds both a bachelor’s in gender studies from Brown and a master’s in human development and psychology from Harvard! Her education as well as her own personal experiences growing up as a girl inspired her to dive deeper into the struggles of today’s young women. In our interview, we’re covering what you can do to maintain a positive relationship with your teen, even when they start to reject the values you raised them with. Plus, what to do when your daughter leaves the house in an outfit that’s a little more revealing than you’re used to, and how you can signal to your kid that you’re open to hard conversations whenever they’re in need of support! Navigating a Teen’s Changing Identity Kids are still figuring out who they are, and adolescence is a period of experimentation. Kids are not only forming understandings of sexuality and body image, but also values and spirituality! Although you may have raised your kids to think one way, this adolescent period is when they might begin to diverge from your teachings–and we’ve got to learn to be ok with that, says Kimberly. In the episode, we talk about how kids approaching adulthood are experiencing a tumultuous inner confusion over what to believe and what to value, and how hard it can be on parents. In particular, many parents can grow frustrated over an adolescent’s religious choices, Kimberly explains. During this period of change, teens question everything: their clothes, their friends, their personality–so why wouldn’t they question their faith as well? Although it can be a pretty emotional topic for parents, Kimberly suggests taking a rational approach, and letting kids find their own religious reasoning. As free-thinking individuals, they’re going to take their own stance on religion anyway, says Kimberly, and trying to force them to conform to what you believe will only drive them further towards rebellion. If we want kids to follow the same practices that we subscribe to–whether those practices are religious, nutritional, social, etc–Kimberly recommends simply setting an example. Kids are pretty observant, and if you show them how your lifestyle benefits you, they might actually come around to it. In the episode, Kimberly explains how teens tend to drift from the teachings of their parents, but often return to those values later in life. As young women are going through these rapid changes, they tend to find themselves dressing differently! They’re navigating sexuality and body image, leading to some outfits that can make parents a little uncomfortable. In the episode, Kimberly and I are talking about how we can handle these sudden changes without ostracizing or shaming our daughters.
When we see a teen about to head out with quite a bit of skin showing, it can make us a little nervous. Our head might be swimming with thoughts, worrying about their safety and wondering what people will think. It’s tempting to vocalize these worries to teens as soon as we see them, and we might even want to send them back upstairs to change! But surprisingly, Kimberly recommends against saying anything at all. In her research she’s found that most teens do not react well when parents comment on what they’re wearing. Instead, Kimberly encourages parents to do some research! It can be helpful to ask around to other parents, school staff members and other people in the community to see if your teen is dressing in a way that’s particularly out of the ordinary. As she explains in the episode, kids are often dressing this way not necessarily to sexualize themselves, but just to fit in with current trends. Teens tend to cherish the approval of their peers and want to create a curated image on social media, so they often wear these more revealing styles as a way to blend in. Although we can be quick to assign these clothes to our teens’ “bad” choices, we also have to realize that our daughters are under intense scrutiny as young women. The pressure to perform, fit in and buy what’s being marketed to them can push them towards dressing this way. Plus, some teens just feel more confident in garments that are more flattering than those which are baggy or loose fitting! Although we might want to avoid a conversation about clothes, there are plenty of other things that we may want to communicate with our teens about, whether that’s friendships, sexuality, or puberty. And even though teens can sometimes run screaming from these kinds of talks, there are also ways we can help them feel safe being vulnerable. Helping Teens Open Up One common thing that can inhibit conversations between parents and teens is the ever changing vernacular teens seem to have about tech, sexuality, fashion, and politics. Parents may not know the definition of words kids throw around when describing their sexual orientation or their political standing. Kimberly says we shouldn’t stress this too much, and if we don’t know what teens are talking about, we should just ask! Prompting our teens to teach us something is a really valuable way to show them that you want to listen, learn, and take the time to care. In the episode, Kimberly and I talk about a specific scenario parents often find themselves in–when a teen comes to you, telling you that a friend of theirs is in a bad situation. Kimberly explains that sometimes teens are framing this as a friend’s situation instead of their own situation, even when in reality,... | |||
| 12 Apr 2020 | Ep 80: The Upside of Messy Teenagers | 00:28:19 | |
Tim Harford, author of Messy and accomplished journalist, economist, and speaker, and I talk about how messiness can play a positive role in your teen’s (and maybe your) life. Turns out you can use messes, randomness, and disorganization to enhance your thoughts and actions, rather than bog you down. Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation. Full show notes You stick your head into your kid’s bedroom to see their desk littered with crumpled papers, gum wrappers, used dishes, worn books, pens, and chargers. Their bed is unmade, and some of the pillows are on the floor along with dirty laundry. As far as you can tell, there’s no rhyme or reason whatsoever. Their room is the eyesore of the entire house. It’s no wonder your teen has trouble concentrating! They live in a state of chaos. You call your child’s name, ready to lay down the law and command them to clean their room. You want to run a tight ship, don’t you? It’s only normal for a parent to teach their children the benefits of cleanliness and tidiness. But what if this mess isn’t actually a bad sign? When analyzing the psychology of a disorganized person, it’s very difficult to discern when your teen’s disorganization indicates distraction versus productivity. Whenever anyone has their time occupied by important tasks, such as homework, it can be hard to stay tidy. Your desk is probably the most cluttered when you have the most work to do, or your office might be in disarray when it’s crunch time. Your teen’s messy room might follow the same pattern! In some cases, mess could be a sign of creative potential. So how exactly can you tell when your teen has an acceptable mess and when it’s actually time for you to step in and help your teen find their way? What’s going on in the psychology of a disorganized person? This week I spoke with Tim Harford, accomplished journalist, speaker, and author, to learn about the psychology of a disorganized person and get a better idea of how messiness and disorganization can play a positive role in your teen’s (and maybe your) life. His book, Messy: The Power of Disorder to Transform Our Lives, takes a close look at how and when being untidy might actually be a positive thing! A Beautiful Mess Some of the most important, influential, and well respected minds have been known for their untidiness. For example, Harford points to great creative minds as diverse as Benjamin Franklin, David Bowie, Miles Davis, and Michael Crichton and highlights one common denominator: mess. Often, the most high-achieving individuals are also the ones with the most pots on the burner. With so many projects bubbling away, it’s hard to keep everything in order. This isn’t to say that amazingly creative and productive people don’t value things like order and cleanliness. What it does say is that there are so many important and time-consuming ideas occupying their mental space. Tasks such as sweeping up or organizing clutter is a mere secondary concern. Enthusiasm and curiosity are two great traits for accomplishing goals, but they also make it very hard to keep things tidy. Something as mundane as tidying up their bedroom isn’t a priority to them. It might seem like they’re easily distracted but that isn’t always the case. Being distracted momentarily doesn’t entail a lack of interest or a lack of care. The next time you see your teen leaving things half-finished, they might be taking a break from one project to begin another! According to the psychology of a disorganized person, being interested and involved in multiple things is always a great sign of your teen’s intellectual development. Hartford says that it’s perfectly reasonable to have a few projects that are a work in progress. It only becomes a problem when those projects are never finished. If your teen has a particularly messy room or if they’re known to jump from project to project, it’s important for you to foster the right amount of encouragement and guidance without overstepping boundaries. Don’t mess with the psychology of a disorganized person or stifle your teen’s imaginative energy for the sake of a well-manicured desk or a perfectly-arranged closet. When it comes to psychology of a disorganized person, it can be part of their learning experience to adjust and adapt to the environment around them. It should be up to them to change their surroundings. Instead of stepping in and telling them when they should tidy up, let them figure out a schedule for their own house-keeping duties by themselves. This will self-motivate them to want to keep an orderly environment. To understand the psychology of a disorganized person, Hartford points to the musician Brian Eno. He is known for being an incredibly productive versatile musical genius, yet, the biggest irony in his day to day life is that he can’t focus on a specific task at hand if there’s music playing in the background. Eno’s passion for sound is so strong that it may seem like he’s distracted, but he’s intensely in tune with the sounds around him. So in order to get work done, Eno doesn’t allow himself to have music in the background. Details like that are only discovered by the person themselves. By having an empowered creative space where he was able to explore his work process, Eno was able to understand the best environment for him. Who knows? Your teen might be the next generation’s Eno. How to Empower Your Teen’s Mess Hartford cites a study of the psychology of a disorganized person about “empowered spaces” and “disempowered spaces” and the difference they can make in creating an environment to work in. In order to create an empowered space, allow your teen to own it. This means your teen should be free to have their room as they please so long as they maintain the space all by themselves. He tells me about how in his house, the rule after dinner is that everyone needs to help clean both the dining table and the kitchen. Although he enforces a tidy kitchen and dining room, he doesn’t extend that to his kids’ rooms. As Hartford sees it, he allows his kids to live with the consequences of whatever state his kids’ rooms may be in. He won’t dictate how they operate his teens’ rooms. By granting them their own little space where they are free, that leaves them in a happier mood. This in turn makes his kids able to follow stricter rules when it comes to more “public” spaces in the house, such as the kitchen. What to do About Continued Messes Harford cites multiple studies and field experts in our talk about the psychology of a disorganized person that provides awesome perspectives on the concept of messiness. For any parents who are worried that their teens’ mess is getting in the way of their success, this episode is made for you. A parent of teenagers himself, Harford uses his research and expertise on the psychology of a disorganized person to give some great advice when it comes to applying the concept of messiness to family life. There’s so much to consider when looking at the psychology of a messy teen. In our interview about the psychology of a disorganized person, he teaches me all about how to:
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| 13 Oct 2024 | Ep 310: Helping Teens Develop Positive Body Image | 00:24:42 | |
Charlotte Markey, author of Adultish, joins us to discuss teen body image and well-being, sharing research-based strategies for fostering body gratitude and combating diet culture. Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation. Full Show Notes As a parent, you want your teen to feel confident, secure, and comfortable in their own skin. However, in today’s image-conscious society, this is no easy feat. From advertisements filled with unrealistic standards to the pressures of social media, teens face significant challenges that can negatively impact their body image and overall mental health. Even the most well-meaning parents can inadvertently contribute to their teens' body image issues. The messages we send through our own actions and words can sometimes do more harm than good. Understanding these subtleties is crucial for promoting a healthier self-view in our teenagers. Today, we’re diving into the science behind teen body image with Dr. Charlotte Markey, an expert in body image, eating behaviors, and weight management for over 25 years, and author of four books, including the latest, "Adultish: The Body Image Book for Life." Charlotte is here to provide valuable insights into how body image develops during the transition to adulthood and shares practical advice on how parents can guide their teens through this vulnerable period. The Power of Body Gratitude One of the fundamental strategies Charlotte emphasizes is practicing body gratitude and appreciation. Rather than focusing on our perceived flaws, we should highlight the aspects of our bodies that we like or appreciate. Charlotte discusses the importance of reversing the negative internal narratives that many of us - and our children - have internalized over the years. By fostering a culture at home where positive body talk is normalized, parents can help their teens develop a more affirmative and appreciative relationship with their bodies. She shares simple, research-backed exercises that parents and teens can do together to promote body gratitude, which can have immediate positive effects on body image and general well-being. Battling Diet Culture Diet culture is pervasive and often sends harmful messages about body image and self-worth. Charlotte takes a firm stand against these messages, arguing that most popular dieting methods are not only ineffective but can also be harmful. Instead, she advocates for intuitive eating - a philosophy that encourages individuals to listen to their body’s hunger and fullness cues and to eat in a way that feels natural and satisfying. She breaks down ways parents can combat diet culture at home by modeling intuitive eating and creating a positive food environment that doesn’t demonize certain foods or glorify others. Charlotte also gives pointers on how to talk to your teens about diet culture critically, helping them recognize and resist its harmful influences. Social Media and Body Image Social media can be a double-edged sword. While it offers incredible connectivity, it also exposes teens to continuous comparisons and unrealistic body standards. Charlotte elaborates on research showing the negative impacts of social media on teen body image and mental health, and she offers practical advice for mitigating these effects. She suggests having open, critical discussions about the content teens interact with on social platforms, encouraging them to follow positive and inspiring profiles while unfollowing those that focus on unrealistic beauty standards. Limiting daily social media use can also lead to significant improvements in mental health and reduce anxiety and FOMO (fear of missing out). Fostering Resilient Body Image Parents play a pivotal role in shaping their teens’ body image and self-esteem. Charlotte discusses the importance of open communication and creating a home environment where body positivity and self-acceptance are the norms. She shares tips on how parents can better support their teens by offering non-judgmental spaces for discussion and by validating their feelings and experiences. In the Episode... Listening to this episode will equip you with effective strategies for promoting a healthier body image in your teens. You'll learn about:
This conversation with Charlotte is an enlightening look into the science behind teen body image and how parents can make a significant positive impact. For more insights, follow Charlotte on Instagram and TikTok at @char_markey. Don't forget to share and subscribe to Talking to Teens to catch all our upcoming episodes. Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation. | |||
| 31 Oct 2021 | Ep 162: Could You Handle an Emotional Teen? | 00:32:11 | |
Andrew Reiner, author of Better Boys, Better Men, explains the new rigid rules for boys and how we can help our emerging men feel secure in a masculine identity. Plus, tips on how to build emotional resilience in our male teens. Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation. Full show notes
Although we often think that unruly behavior is rooted in male biology, Andrew argues the contrary. As he says in the episode, male and female brains are almost 98% identical– in his eyes, it's our cultural norms and societal pressures that push boys in the direction of violence. That means that if we take the right steps, we as parents could create a generation of men who don’t feel like they have to fight their way through life! But how can we help topple this toxic masculine mentality?
Having been raised to believe they have to live up to society’s toxic masculinity standards, many young men struggle with vulnerability. They’ve been taught to associate it with weakness! It’s not always easy to help them change their way of thinking and become open to being open. However, encouraging our sons to both process and express their emotions can help them be much happier and healthier. Plus, it might even save their lives–many young men are ashamed of feeling anxious or depressed and don’t reach out for help, causing suicide rates among them to rise in recent years.
When we think of a group of young men who hang out regularly, we might think of a sports team, or even a group of boys who play video games together. Although these can be good sources of community for young men, Andrew talks about how there are often some elements of misogyny among these groups, or even an atmosphere of toxic competitiveness that pits guys against each other. Behaviors like trash-talking or one-upping each other are pretty common among these communities.
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| 14 Jan 2024 | Ep 274: Escaping the Villain Role | 00:24:43 | |
Justin Lee, author of Talking Across the Divide, joins us to explain how parents can have more productive disagreements with teens by overcoming the ego protection instinct and using storytelling to find common ground. Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation. Full Show Notes Parenting a teenager often feels like an ideological battleground. Their values, interests and worldviews can seem completely foreign to our own, causing rifts in our relationship almost daily. Navigating these choppy waters requires strategy and finesse so that we don’t widen the gap even further. This week, we’re learning how to bridge divides from someone who has made connections his life’s work. We’re joined by Justin Lee, author of the new book Talking Across the Divide: How to Communicate with People You Disagree With and Maybe Even Change the World. Justin has spent over 20 years facilitating thoughtful dialogue between groups that typically don’t see eye to eye. As the founder of the world’s largest LGBTQ Christian advocacy organization, Justin has firsthand experience bringing together people of divergent backgrounds. Now, he’s sharing his tried and tested methods for overcoming conflicts by focusing on shared interests and storytelling. Even when parents and teens sit on what feel like opposite sides of the ideological spectrum, we likely have more in common than we realize. By approaching rifts strategically instead of confrontationally, we can narrow divides and start effecting real change. The Ego Protection Instinct When tensions run high, our first instinct is often to double down on our position. After all, no one wants to look like the “bad guy” or feel embarrassed when realizing they’re wrong. This ego protection instinct kicks in, causing both parties to dig their heels in further in order to save face. Justin explains that the key to working through this instinct is to approach the conversation calmly and strategically. Making teens defensive will only cause them to reject our perspective entirely. By listening first instead of accusing, we make space for their viewpoint while getting them to lower their guard. This thoughtful approach makes them more receptive later on when we share our own story. Telling Our Story When it comes time to share our side, Justin explains that facts and figures often fall flat. What really helps the other person relate to our position is hearing the story behind why this issue matters so much to us. By explaining our personal experiences, worries, disappointments and more, the other person gains empathy and understanding as to why we ended up with these strong beliefs. Storytelling helps them step into our shoes, seeing our views as reasonable instead of attacking our character. It also allows both parties to recognize each other’s stories as valid without having to denounce the other. Plotting a Way Forward Without a plan for how the conversation should end, we risk leaving the other person hurt or resentful. Justin encourages parents to think critically about what they actually want to gain before diving into tense talks. Do we want to “win” by making the teen feel stupid? Or do we want to gain a better understanding between us? By visualizing a story in which the teen’s past actions were reasonable and our new way forward makes sense, we provide a path that allows them to save face while still growing. With thoughtful compromises focused on shared interests rather than contradictory positions, we stand a better chance of inching closer together. No matter how far apart parents and teens may feel at times, Justin proves even groups with the most divergent views can find common ground through strategic, thoughtful dialogue. By leading with empathy and storytelling, we model good communication while bridging ideological divides one conversation at a time. Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation. | |||
| 27 Oct 2024 | Ep 312: Helping Teens Break Through Personal Growth Barriers | 00:24:26 | |
Sean Grover, author of Shortcuts to a Happier Life, dives into the psychology behind teenage behaviors and how group therapy can significantly aid in their personal growth, offering insights into handling teen anger, breaking toxic patterns, and understanding parental roles in teen development. Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation. Full Show Notes Raising teenagers can sometimes feel akin to navigating an emotional rollercoaster; the highs are exhilarating, yet the lows can leave us questioning everything we thought we knew about being a parent. At times, we may unintentionally become an obstacle to our children's growth rather than a catalyst for their development. When teens repeatedly find themselves stuck or struggling, it might be the environment—including our own behaviors—that's keeping them from forging a path forward. Our guest this week, Sean Grover, a seasoned therapist and author of multiple books including "Shortcuts to a Happier Life," brings an illuminating perspective on how adolescents navigate their formative years. As an advocate for group therapy, Sean explains how it stands out as the most effective method for helping teenagers, with studies showing it to be 73% more effective compared to other therapies. Adolescents thrive when they have a community; group therapy provides a unique space where teens can relate, share, and learn from each other’s experiences, fostering personal growth. The Power of Group Therapy Adolescents naturally form groups as they search for their place in the world. Yet, not enough therapists focus on group work for teens due to its rowdy, sometimes chaotic nature. Sean discusses how group therapy can help teens identify and articulate their feelings by observing peers in similar situations. This peer interaction demystifies their perceived unique struggles, allowing them the emotional freedom to grow without the isolation that individual therapy may bring. Feeling physical pain or discomfort may often indicate emotional unrest among teenagers. Sean highlights how psychological struggles can manifest as physical symptoms in teens who might not have the vocabulary to express their distress. Encountering such signs should prompt consideration of underlying emotional issues. Balancing Expectations and Growth Sean speaks candidly about the importance of setting realistic dreams with teens. Encouragement is vital, but so is cautioning against creating pressure through high expectations. Praising teens with broad superlatives like "you're so smart" might hinder their motivation, as the fear of failure becomes daunting. Instead, fostering a growth-oriented mindset, where perseverance is emphasized over perfect outcomes, empowers teens to navigate life's inevitable roadblocks and adjust their paths as needed. Recognizing Parent Burnout Parental burnout doesn't receive the attention it deserves. The strains of parenting often result in exhaustion, irritability, and strained relationships. Sean shares personal stories and effective strategies for managing these stresses, emphasizing the importance of self-care and maintaining a healthy partnership with the other parent to ensure a balanced home environment. Addressing Anger and Toxic Patterns Sean challenges parents to self-reflect before labeling their children with anger issues. Oftentimes, children reflect the negative emotions they see in us. Our task is to break toxic cycles by being aware of our behaviors, and understanding what might be behind a teenager's outburst—feelings of shame, hurt, or isolation. In the Episode… There's much more to discover in this insightful episode with Sean Grover. We also discuss:
To explore Sean's profound insights further, make sure to grab a copy of "Shortcuts to a Happier Life." If you found this conversation enlightening, consider subscribing and sharing this podcast with others tuning into the evolving journey of raising teenagers. Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation. | |||
| 05 Jul 2020 | Ep 93: How to Spot & Treat Eating Disorders | 00:20:44 | |
Lauren Muhlheim, author of When Your Teen Has an Eating Disorder and clinical psychologist, speaks with Andy on spotting and treating eating disorders in teens. Eating disorders are scary, but Lauren tells us that together, families can reduce the dangers and stress eating disorders cause. Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation. Full show notes For the average person, there is absolutely nothing frightening about pizza. It’s delicious, cheap to order, and easy to eat! So why might pizza be such a struggle for a teenager with an eating disorder? Pizza is high in calories and fat, and can be very triggering for someone who constantly obsesses over what they eat. Pizza is also the go-to food for birthday parties, school events, or college activities. It’s one of the most frequently eaten foods in American culture. For a teenager with an eating disorder, adjusting to regular life means eating pizza--and for them, this is isn’t easy. That’s why we need to take teen eating disorder treatment seriously, and help those suffering from anorexia, bulimia, or binge eating as soon as possible. By waiting too long to address these problems, or letting teenagers struggle with them alone, their physical and mental health can only get worse. It can become so serious that even something as simple as pizza at a school event can become a battleground. My guest today is Lauren Muhlheim, clinical psychologist and expert on teen eating disorder treatment. She recently authored When Your Teen Has an Eating Disorder: Practical Strategies to Help Your Teen Recover from Anorexia, Bulimia, and Binge Eating. The book dives into a lot of information about eating disorder recovery, focusing mainly on the idea of family-based treatment. You may be familiar with the term family therapy, in which a family undergoes treatment together to work out issues they may be having with one another. Although they may sound similar, family therapy and family-based treatment are actually very different. When it comes to teen eating disorder treatment, family therapy focuses on the cause of the disorder, viewing family issues as the underlying problem. This kind of treatment usually only looks at the family as the cause, and places the solution in the hands of residential or other professional treatment. Family based treatment focuses on how families can set up structures and systems to help their teen heal physically and mentally. In this type of therapy, families essentially become the residential treatment; they are the ones who monitor eating, take measures to inhibit purging, or whatever the teenager may need. This kind of therapy is derived from research done in the U.K. in the 90s, before being brought over to the U.S., to be studied by researchers at Stanford University. Previously, family therapy was the most widely spread treatment for eating disorders, going back as far as the 1600s. For centuries, teenagers have been leaving their homes to get residential treatment for eating disorders, and then returning home only to relapse. Many times, this can be attributed to losing the structure of in-patient therapy and suddenly being left to their own devices. Family based treatment was invented to stop this issue, and is now the most researched form of teen eating disorder treatment. For parents, the idea of family-based therapy should be encouraging, not disheartening. This means that you are part of the solution, that there are steps you can take to help your child! You have the ability to guide your teenager through this difficult period. So where can we as parents start when it comes to stopping eating disorders in our homes? The first step is to watch your teenager closely and take any sign of an eating disorder seriously. One of the most important things to prevent a disorder from worsening, according to Lauren, is to not wait too long. She mentions that some pediatricians or doctors may tell parents to wait for more symptoms to arise before truly taking the disorder seriously, but if a parent waits too long, the disorder can become so bad that it takes a teenager years to recover. This problem is particularly bad when it comes to teens and anorexia. She mentions that there are no negative repercussions for having a talk with your child about eating habits and the possibility of an eating disorders, and that it’s much better to do so then to sit back and allow the problem to unfold. Lauren says be careful not to be so affected by diet culture that you are more nervous about your teenager gaining weight than losing it. You might regard low weight as positive thing or a sign of health, but it’s important to pay close attention to teenager’s habits to make sure they aren’t treating their bodies poorly. Lauren also emphasizes watching teen’s trajectory along their growth and height charts. If you’re paying attention and checking regularly, you are more likely to notice when your teenager seems to take an unhealthy dip in their growth. Lauren stresses that a teen who is staying the same size can sometimes be just as bad as an adult who is drastically losing weight. Teenagers are supposed to be gaining weight to keep up with their growth and not doing so could be dangerous. Noticing anything that concerns you may be a good sign that you should seek teen eating disorder treatment. If you decide to try family-based therapy, the best way to start is to help your teen get back to their healthy weight. Lauren equates food to medicine for teen eating disorder treatment; The anxiety and depression teenagers feel when they get stuck in an eating disorder is largely caused by malnutrition. Lauren and I discuss a groundbreaking study in which men in their 20s with great physical and mental health had their caloric intake cut by 50% for six months. As a result of their poor nutrition, they became extremely anxious, depressed and obsessed with food. This state is called negative energy balance: someone is eating too little or exercising too much instead of maintaining healthy habits and feels physical and mental effects. For those who are predisposed to developing eating disorders and find themselves with negative energy balance, these physical and mental issues and lack of nutrition become a brutal cycle from which they cannot escape. This is why Lauren says getting teenagers fed is the priority when it comes to teen eating disorder treatment. You may be wondering, how can I get a teenager to eat regular, balanced meals if they were previously diagnosed with a disorder that is defined by their adversity to eating? Taking a strong stance and imposing structure may cause a lot of tension between you and your teen, but it’s much better than allowing the disorder to continue to manifest. The key is to have lots of structure and supervision. Starting with three meals and three snacks a day is a good start. Some teenagers may need to replenish weight they’ve lost or failed to gain because of their disorder. In some cases, they may have become hypermetabolic. In these situations, teenagers may need to eat as much as 3,000 or 6,000 calories a day. It may seem like a lot, but taking these steps is going to help your teen be happy and healthy so they can reach their full potential! Supervising your teen to make sure they eat is one of the best ways to help them fix their negative energy balance and recover. This can mean making sure they eat at home, but in s... | |||
| 04 Jun 2020 | Ep 88: A Conversation About Race | 00:52:37 | |
Dr. Beverly Daniel Tatum, psychologist, educator, and author of "Why Are All the Black Kids Sitting Together in the Cafeteria?" joins us for a candid and in-depth conversation about race, identity, and how to start difficult conversations of your own in the home. In support of increased education and awareness of the experiences of POC, we are pleased to share the full 52 minute conversation in this special episode featuring Dr. Tatum. Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation. Full show notes Right now, America is once again in the midst of having one of the most important—and most complicated—conversations: the conversation about race. With the death of George Floyd at the hands of the Minneapolis police, reactions to racial disparity in America have exploded in the form of peaceful protests, community organization, and social media activism, as well as dramatic incidents of looting and rioting. No matter where we turn, we’re face-to-face with a set of daunting, hard-to-answer questions that have haunted America through all its history. Living in such a tumultuous time can be a lot for anyone. It’s especially a lot for teenagers and young people in general. For parents, the conversation surrounding race holds a special significance in the home. Black, Latinx, Asian, Native American, and other non-White homes want to talk about race and ethnic identity in teenagers. They want to make sure their children are prepared to face race-related challenges that could arise over the course of their adolescence, and certainly, all parents want their children to be unbiased and empathetic toward others, regardless of skin color. However, the language surrounding race and ethnic identity in teenagers is often packed with loaded terminology and uncomfortable historical facts, making it intimidating for many parents to openly address race with their children. But to ensure the next generation of adults is prepared to continue fighting for racial equality, it’s absolutely essential for all parents to know how and why to talk about race openly and honestly, no matter how difficult it seems. To explore how race and ethnic identity in teenagers and what parents can do to foster open dialogues about race in the home, I spoke with the esteemed Dr. Beverly Daniel Tatum. Dr. Tatum is the former president of the historically Black college Spelman University, a recipient of the American Psychological Association’s top honor, and author of the renowned book Why Are All the Black Kids Sitting Together in the Cafeteria?: And Other Conversations About Race. As one of our country’s foremost scholars on race and a teacher of race-related subjects for over thirty years, it’s no surprise Dr. Tatum offers some incredible takeaways for listeners in this week’s episode. When it comes to talking about race and ethnic identity in teenagers, Dr. Tatum doesn’t shy away from the fact that all people need to be engaged, not just people of color. How To Talk To Teens About Race Racism is a prejudice that hurts everyone in society. But in that same vein, anyone can help eliminate racism by being actively anti-racist, such as consciously dismantling racist systems or educating oneself on what social justice is. To illustrate her point, she compares racism to smog; if not everybody is actively involved in cutting emissions, our air will never be clean. It’s the same, she claims, for racism. Unless everyone is involved in fighting for racial equality, racism will always be a problem. And that fight starts with addressing the reality of racism in America. After all, you can’t fix a problem unless you’ve identified it first! This idea directly opposes the “colorblind” approach to race, where people pretend not to “see” skin color. When one tries to deny the presence of any one person’s color, that is to deny what shapes that person’s entire life. Dr. Tatum and I discussed an anecdote about race and ethnic identity in teenagers regarding a white father being proud of his young daughter for “not seeing color.” The man’s daughter was pointing out her new friend on the playground and she was using descriptors to point out which girl she was talking about. The daughter talked about everything about her friend except for the fact that she was the only Black girl present. In this week’s interview about race and ethnic identity in teenagers, Dr. Tatum not only explains why this mindset is harmful, but she gives great advice on what parents can do to embrace, accept, celebrate, and navigate the implications of REC—racial-ethnic-cultural—identities in the home—even White families. There’s nothing wrong with being White in the same way that pointing out that someone is Black is not wrong or rude. When talking about race and ethnic identity in teenagers, it’s important to affirm heritage as something that makes people unique. Their background is something that helps shape them as a person as they grow into young adulthood. When they feel empowered, secure, and not ashamed about their own heritage, they can be more willing to have discussions about other people’s backgrounds and how they interact with people who are different from them. This goes for everyone. In fact, Dr. Tatum addresses how White families can act as firm and steadfast allies, and she even offers an alternate term for White privilege to help clarify its definition: White immunity. With the phrase, “White privilege,” there’s been a fair amount of controversy surrounding its usage. Many White people do not necessarily feel like they have led privileged lives. “White immunity” communicates the fact that White people are the most protected class in a mostly White society. Furthermore, that people of color experience in some negative experiences disproportionate amounts, such as police brutality and racial profiling. White people rarely experience these issues concerning race and ethnic identity in teenagers in a mostly White society. In the course of our conversation about race and ethnic identity in teenagers, Dr. Tatum also discusses the changes in policy, psychology, population, and polarization (the “Four Ps”) that have impacted the discussion surrounding race—valuable information to parents keen to learn more about the current state of racism in America. This may seem like a lot of information to take in about a very delicate subject, but it is a process. Being an active participant in the process of dismantling racism is exactly what needs to be done. It’s not an overnight event, rather, a completely different way of living. More Resources About Teenagers and Identity There’s no way that the topic of race and ethnic identity in teenagers can be covered in one podcast episode. However, the discussion Dr. Tatum and I had is absolutely worthwhile for you and your teen to listen to and engage with. On top of her great insight on race and ethnic identity in teenagers, Dr. Tatum and I discuss:
With such a rich and critical topic at hand, and considering the current political climate, I know all listeners will find... | |||
| 12 Jun 2022 | Ep 194: Sex Hormones and Your Teen’s Brain | 00:28:14 | |
Dr. Louann Brizendine joins us to talk about how sex hormones affect teen’s behavior. Plus, how teens establish a social hierarchy with their peers and why seemingly simple conversations with teens sometimes turn into full blown arguments. Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation. Full show notes When our kids are being moody and dramatic, we tend to just roll our eyes and chalk up their behavior to hormones. We know their bodies and brains are changing…so they’re going to have some growing pains! But when we say the word “hormones”, do we know what it really means? Beyond just affecting our kids' emotions and physical development, how do these chemicals really work within our teens' bodies as they evolve from kids to adults? To understand how hormones affect our teens, we’ll have to go way back…all the way back to conception! Hormones have been affecting our kids since they were little more than a fertilized egg. Understanding how hormones act on the mind and body throughout the human lifespan can help us understand what’s going on during the teens years–and why teens can be so angry, sad, confused and angsty! To help us get to the bottom of all the hormonal changes, we’re talking to Dr. Louann Brizendine, author of both The Female Brain and The Male Brain. Louann is an endowed professor of clinical psychology at the University of California, San Francisco, where she also founded the Women’s Mood and Hormone Clinic. She’s dedicated her life to studying how hormones change human behavior, thoughts and emotions. In our interview, Louann is helping us understand our kids’ hormonal timeline, from the womb to adulthood. We’re also discussing the difference between female and male social behavior during the teen years, and how hormones can cause simple conflicts to escalate into intense arguments with teens. The Hormone Timeline Although we often associate hormones with the teenage years, these chemicals are powerful forces that shape our kids before they’re even born! Louann explains that our hormones, especially testosterone, begin to have major effects on humans when a fetus is only six weeks old. If the fetus carries XY chromosomes, its entire body and brain will be marinated in testosterone after six weeks, says Louann, creating male anatomy. For fetuses with the XX chromosome, this testosterone is absent, leading them to develop female features as a default! Louann explains that males face an intense influx of testosterone as they go through puberty. For boys, testosterone levels go up steadily for their entire childhood, hitting a peak around age fifteen. During adolescence, Louann says that boys see a 250x increase of testosterone, making them rather eager to begin mating! This is the period in which young men begin to find themselves interested in females, says Louann, something that’s incredibly normal. In the episode, we discuss how we can help our sons understand that all these new feelings are simply a part of getting older, not something to be ashamed of. For young women, a hormonal timeline tends to look more cyclical, especially after menstruation begins, says Louann. In the episode, we talk a lot about the hormone cycle women go through every month. You might be worried when your daughter suddenly starts dressing differently or talking about boys, but it’s likely a result of her ovulation, when her body tells her to turn on the charm, says Louann. And the idea of “PMS” is more than just a joke–women really do experience intense emotions as a result of hormone changes when they’re about to experience their period, Louann explains. For teens, hormones cause more than just body changes–they also affect social and emotional behavior, especially when it comes to interacting with peers. In our interview, Louann and I are discussing how boys and girls experience social hierarchy and rejection differently.
Interestingly, Louann tells us that friendship between females is incredibly rewarding–much more so than friendship between males. When women are sharing secrets and confiding in one another, their minds release hormones like oxytocin and dopamine, meaning they feel happy and safe. This likely developed for evolutionary purposes, explains Louann. Having deep connections with other women can help females develop an extra layer of protection and support for both herself and her potential offspring. On the other hand, teen girls can have very catty and conflict-filled relationships! But why would this happen, when female friendships are so rewarding? Louann explains that this drama is most prevalent in the teen years, as girls are still developing self-image and find themselves constantly comparing their own bodies to those of other women. During this period, young girls can have a lot of very painful, self loathing thoughts, says Louann, leading them to lash out against other young women who are potentially receiving more attention from males. It’s different for boys, however, Louann explains. Male hierarchies are most likely to be founded on physical strength and aggression. In the episode, Louann shares an interesting piece of research in which ten young men, all strangers, briefly met and then ranked themselves on a hypothetical hierarchy. Because so much of the male pecking order is decided through physical strength, every single one of the boys had an identical ranking, based on the physical fitness of the other participants.. Louann explains that the natural male hormonal response to strong negative feelings or threats is to become physically aggressive, creating a hierarchy of physical dominance. When tensions are running high in your home and an argument breaks out, emotions can escalate pretty quickly. Louann explains that this is because of a process called “emotional contagion”. How Emotions Can Be Contagious One minute, it seems like you and your teen are just chatting it up about their day at school, and the next they burst into tears, run up into their room and slam the door. You’re left there wondering, how did this happen, and how did I not see it coming? In our interview, Louann explains that while women can read people’s faces and predict if they’re about to cry, men struggle with this a lot. If you’re a man, you night find yourself grappling with this! And when men do sense that a young woman might cry, they are often struck by my emotional contagion, says Louann. This is the ability of one person's strong emotions to transfer to another during an argument or a conversation. This emotional contagion can trigger our pain response when a teen is crying or yelling, which can stress us out! We want the emotional intensity to come down a notch, so we might try to calm our teen down or even just leave the room altogether. Louann suggests that we take a minute to try and de-escalate the situation. This can bring your teen back to a better place while also helping you settle your own emotions. In the episode, Louann and I talk about how males and females channel emotions differently, but otherwise have brains that are 99% the same! Boys are likely to... | |||
| 25 Oct 2020 | Ep 109: Can Your Teen Spot the Truth? | 00:25:28 | |
Cindy Otis, author of True or False and former CIA analyst, joins Andy to discuss how misinformation snowballs (and how to spot it), the long history of fake news, and how emotion can blind teens (and adults) to the truth. Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation. Full show notes With kids these days having 24/7 access to the internet on a million different devices, free to browse endless content and information, it can be frightening to wonder what they might come across. As a parent, you may worry that your teenager could be reading some inappropriate Reddit threads or secretly playing Minecraft until one AM on a school night…. However, there’s a very significant internet force that affects teens these days, one that parents might not always consider: the widespread phenomenon of fake news. You might not think your teenager could encounter dangerous misinformation online, but fake news is much more common than you might think. A 2018 MIT study has found that on Twitter, rumors and conspiracy theories are shared and clicked on almost six times as much as factual news. How can we teach our teens to avoid these fake news outlets and ensure they are remaining informed only by the truth? Our guest today is Cindy Otis, a former CIA analyst and the author of True or False: a CIA Analysts Guide to Spotting Fake News. Cindy’s an expert on cyber security and the spread of information, and she’s here to answer some of your most burning questions about how fake news might find it’s way into your teen’s feed. In our interview today, she outlines some of the book’s most intriguing concepts, like how fake news manages to appear in the first place, why so many people seem to believe it, and some things teens and parents can do to think critically about how they consume media. The Origins of Fake News So how exactly did the concept of fake news come into being? When did all the misinformation begin? While we might think of fake news as a recent development, there’s evidence that fake news as we know it has been around since ancient Egypt! There’s examples of fake news being used in many societies throughout history to influence public opinion on political matters. Cindy brings up an example you might be familiar with: tobacco companies in the 50s and 60s spreading misinformation about cigarettes to distract people from their major health effects. Most of the time, these companies didn’t directly state that cigarettes are good for you, but instead made the scientific findings that advised against cigarettes seem murky and uncertain. By overloading the consumer with contradicting information, they made the science seem less credible. In the episode, Cindy talks about how that’s often the case with fake news. Even if it isn’t necessarily lying to people outright, it may just be used to obscure or cause the reader to question factual information. When there is a lot of confusion and chaos around an issue, people are less likely to believe evidence--like the science that proves cigarettes cause cancer—-and instead find themselves uncertain about what to think. When it comes to fake news in the modern day, social media (where teens spend an enormous amount of time) is a major factor. One way fake news is distributed and spread on these sites is through fake accounts, fake users, comments, likes, etc. Companies and organizations create this false social media presence to help emphasize their own ideas and sway the opinions of the public. Cindy’s research follows this kind of activity closely, and she delves into this idea further in the interview. Now that we know how fake news gets around, it’s time to ask: why do so many people--including, potentially, our teens, seem to believe it? Falling for Fake News It seems as though we’d be able to spot fake news in a heartbeat, but it’s not as easy as you might imagine. To demonstrate the progression of a fake news story finding its way to a large audience and causing panic, Cindy shared a current example about a story on Twitter. This false conspiracy theory claimed that there were 6,000 armed protesters coming to a small midwestern town to destroy property--all 6,000 on one bus, to be exact--and it went viral. You might ask yourself, how might anyone believe that 6,000 people might come to their town unprompted to cause destruction? Cindy explains that the underlying motivation to believe stories like these is fear. People who may not trust minority groups might believe that such people want to hurt them, causing them to accept far-fetched stories like these more easily. This kind of thinking isn’t just true for outlandish ideas like these—social media feeds are curated to cater to the user’s own biases! Websites and companies collect enormous amounts of data on you and your teen’s activity, and then use that information to tell you the kind of things you already want to hear. Although this may not sound bad, organizations may be using you or your teen’s information to get you to spend money or, of course, believe fake news. This tendency of social media to reinforce bias to prop up fake news is especially common when there is a vacuum of information--if details are missing, our brains tend to fill in the blanks with what we think is the truth. Then, when something comes along that agrees with what we think, we like and share it on Facebook or Twitter. This half-baked, highly misleading news is even more likely to stick with us when we’re in highly emotional states and the world around is rapidly changing, like during election season or a pandemic. So when we’re in these chaotic, highly emotional environments, how do we keep ourselves and our teens from falling prey to fake news or misleading information? How to be a Critical Consumer of Media Cindy and I go into depth about steps you and your teen can take to be better consumers of all media, including fake news. One thing we discuss is how all news--both fake and legitimate--might be manipulating your emotions. While serious subjects can definitely naturally touch one’s emotions, it’s important to pay attention to how materials might be attempting to appeal to your teen’s fears or sympathy to sway their opinions. What pictures does the outlet choose to use? What kind of highly charged language might be in place to push you or your teen towards a certain viewpoint? In addition, Cindy talks about how important it is to identify when you or your teen is being micro targeted. Microtargeting is when a company or organization mines a great deal of data about the websites a person visits and products or services they enjoy, and then uses that information to deliver extremely specific content into their feed. This isn’t necessarily a cruel practice, but it may be a tool organizations use to spread false information or to manipulate you as well as your kids. Cindy and I also chat about the reliability of polls and statistics teens or parents might read online--and how it’s hard to find ones that are truly reliable. It’s rare that a poll reaches a diverse population, and it’s not often that respondents feel as though they can answer truthfully. Visualizations of poll results can also be very misleading, and may confuse the viewer into jumping to the wrong conclusion. <... | |||
| 13 Nov 2022 | Ep 216: Creating a Coming-of-Age Ritual | 00:25:44 | |
David Arms and son Steven Arms, authors of Milestone to Manhood, join us this week to talk about how families can organize a coming-of-age ritual that helps teens embrace their impending adulthood. They break down their family’s ritual, and explain how you can create your own. Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation. Full show notes Preparing kids for the responsibilities of adulthood is one of parenting’s most critical challenges. Although kids officially become “adults” at 18, the journey to adulthood starts long before then. Teens are figuring out their values, career, love life and identity as they move through puberty and high school! For parents, it can be nerve-wracking to watch as kids attempt to handle the challenges of growing up. When teens are wracked with self doubt and insecurity, it can be hard to reassure them that they're ready to take on new responsibilities! If only there was something we could do to help them enter maturity with confidence and security… This week, we’re talking about a special ritual parents and kids can complete together to signify the beginning of kids’ journey to adulthood. We’re talking to David and Steven Arms, authors of Milestone to Manhood. Our first ever father-son guest duo, these two men are here to tell us all about a ritual that takes place in their family whenever a boy turns 13–and how you can use their model to create your own family rite of passage. In our interview, we’re discussing each element of their family coming-of-age ritual, and its significance. Plus, how David and Steven use this rite of passage to have important conversations about everything from faith to sex, and how you can plan a coming-of-age event for your own kid.
When someone in the Arms family turns 13, the older males–uncles, cousins, brothers, grandpas and fathers–plan an entire weekend of activities for them. Throughout the weekend, the 13 year-old faces a slate of leadership tasks, and receives advice about life from each of his older relatives. This entire trip is kept secret from the participant, until it's already underway, Steve and David explain. In the episode, David breaks down the rite of passage weekend he planned for Steven, which took place at a lakeside cabin. Throughout the weekend, there was a burning fire that Steven was expected to maintain. Instead of stoking it himself from morning to night, Steven took leadership and delegated its upkeep to each member of the family. The ability to practice leadership on a small, controlled scale is a big way to nudge kids towards adult responsibilities, they explain. To David and Steven, devout Christians, the fire is an important biblical symbol or resilience. They encourage the listener to find their own version of this activity based on their personal faith or values. Other parts of their ritual, like each man reading a bible verse, can be replaced by recommending important books or sharing significant stories between the group–whatever your family is comfortable doing. Beyond just activities, the rite of passage also includes having important discussions about life and growing up. Steven and David are breaking down how to approach heavy topics with teens as they’re coming of age.
During Steven’s rite of passage weekend, the men of his family had an open discussion about sex–which helped him develop a healthy relationship with his own sexuality, he says. Steven explains how hearing his family members discuss sex in a non-judgemntal manner among one another made him feel as though he could ask them anything. By removing the stigma around sex, the men were able to create a safe space to discuss it. One of the main messages the older men attempt to impart on each trip is one of unconditional love and support. Reminding kids that you’ll love them no matter what provides them with the ability to have open dialogue with you no matter how old they are. For example, Steven recalls a period where he was questioning his own values, and didn’t know if he could talk to his parents about it. Once he remembered the rite of passage weekend, however, he realized his family was a safe place for challenging discussions, and opened up to his grandfather about what he was feeling. His grandfather’s advice set him back on track and reminded him that he’s not alone. David explains in the episode that kids are going to look for ways to feel like an adult as they move through teenagerhood, and sometimes turn to drugs or other risky behavior to feel mature. If we can have conversations with them about maturity while they’re in the process of growing up, we can help prevent them from going down a bad road. So how can we create our own rite on passage weekend? What if our kids are older–is it too late? David, Steven and I are explaining how you can create a version of the ritual for your own family.
If you’re interested in recreating this coming of age ritual or designing your own, David and Steven recommend planning far in advance. They always send emails to family members months and weeks in advance, to ensure that they’d be able to fit the weekend into their busy lives. The more planning you do, the better, they explain, especially if you’re feeling nervous or overwhelmed. With a schedule and prepared discussion topics, no one will have to wing anything. For parents who aren’t as close to their extended family or are pressed for time planning the weekend, a one-on-one event between father and son is better than nothing, they explain. David and Steven also encourage a little bit of spontaneity, recalling the valuable memories they made doing unplanned activities during the weekend. And although closer to 13 is better, it’s never too late to plan a weekend like this for kids. David and Steven touch on the value of a gift passed between father and son at the end of the weekend–a gift that requires responsibility to signal their newfound maturity. This gift doesn't have to be expensive, but instead rich in sentimental value. David gave his sons each a piece of his own father’s coin collection, but encouraged parents to find their own version of this gift. It could be a piece of jewelry, a pet or a family antique, something to remind kids that they’re burgeoning adults with a new level of expected responsibility.
I enjoyed talking to David and Steven this week about their unique family ritual. On top of the topics discussed above, we also talk about:
If you liked this episode, you can check out David and Steven’s website, milestonetomanhood.com. Don’t forget to share and subscribe, and we’ll see you next week! Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit | |||
| 06 Jan 2025 | Ep 320: Lessons in Self-Worth for Teens | 00:23:57 | |
Ellen Hendriksen, author of How to Be Enough, delves into the nuances of perfectionism, how it affects teens, and offers guidance on fostering self-acceptance while maintaining drive and ambition. Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation. Full Show Notes In a world where teens are striving to excel in grades, sports, arts, and social standing, societal pressure and self-imposed standards can frequently lead to a feeling of inadequacy. Many teenagers, despite achieving great things, grapple with the invisible weight of not being "enough." As parents and mentors, it's crucial to comprehend this ongoing "silent epidemic" of perfectionism that threatens to undermine their self-worth. Our guest today, Dr. Ellen Hendriksen, provides an enlightening take on this pervasive issue. A reputable clinical psychologist and author, Ellen's latest book, How to Be Enough, explores the intricate dance between striving for excellence and recognizing innate worth. Whether you identify as a perfectionist or are raising one, this episode is rich with insights that illuminate the road to self-acceptance. Ellen explains how perfectionism, often seen as a quest for flawlessness, is actually a misdirected convincing that one is never truly enough. Yet, it’s not all bad. She points out the positive side of conscientiousness—when drive turns into relentless self-criticism, though, that's when perfectionism becomes unhealthy. In our conversation, we gauge how to identify when this line is crossed. The Perfectionism Pendulum Perfectionism doesn’t just show up; it has roots, be it familial, societal, or personal predispositions. The discussion digs into patterns in family dynamics, such as anxious rearing and contingent love that may unknowingly perpetuate high-stakes environments for teens. Ellen unpacks how these environments can entrench the belief that self-worth is earned, not given. For parents of adolescents, recognizing how perfectionism manifests during these formative years can offer insights into what it means to provide unconditional love—emphasizing love independent of achievement. Supporting Exploration Over Perfection Ellen reminds us that adolescence is a time of exploration. Teens can feel trapped in a cycle of sticking only to what they excel at, driven by external praise and a need for validation. This episode emphasizes the importance of supporting your child in breaking free from this mold, encouraging them to try new things without fear of judgment, and valuing the process over the outcome. Using Values to Overcome Criticism Shifting focus from labels to values can be a solid strategy for overcoming self-critical thoughts and preserving self-worth. Instead of defining oneself by arbitrary or external standards, teens and adults alike can cultivate a life driven by values. A focus on personal growth and learning rather than fulfilling rigid expectations can pave the way for a healthier mindset. Fostering Warmth and Relationships Finally, the episode underscores the significance of warmth and connection over sheer competence. Ellen advises that fostering sincere relationships requires emphasizing kindness and intention over an endless pursuit of correctness, often the hiding place of perfectionism. This principle resounds through both family interactions and broader social connections, fostering a healthier community atmosphere for teens. In the Episode... My discussion with Ellen Hendriksen was as insightful as it was reassuring. Among the fascinating concepts explored in this episode, we also cover:
To delve deeper into these life-changing insights and more, check out How to be Enough and visit Ellen's website at ellenhendriksen.com. Don’t forget to share this episode and subscribe for more thought-provoking discussions. Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation. | |||
| 08 Oct 2023 | Ep 262: Built to Move: Healthy Teens | 00:27:26 | |
Kelly and Juliet Starrett, authors of Built To Move, highlight the significance of physical activity, especially among teens. Being healthy is not only about exercising once per day for 45 minutes—Kelly and Juliet advocate for building movement into your day. Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation. Full Show Notes Raising teenagers is exhausting. As parents, we’re often overwhelmed juggling work, household duties, keeping up with kids’ busy schedules, and trying to keep our own sanity intact. Self-care goes out the window, and before we know it, we’re burnt out, injured, or sick. We know we “should” make time to exercise and eat right — but finding time is easier said than done. However, what if small, sustainable movement habits could give us the energy, focus and durability we need to weather life’s stressors and model healthy lifestyles for our teens? This week we’re talking all about the power of movement with Juliet Starrett and Kelly Starrett, authors of the new book Built to Move: The 10 Essential Habits to Help You Move Freely and Live Fully. Juliet and Kelly are movement and mobility experts who have spent decades working with elite athletes and organizations. They’re here to breakdown how small movement practices throughout your day can have big impacts on health. Why We Need to Move More Here’s a concerning stat: the average American teenager spends just 40-80 minutes per day outdoors. This lack of movement and nature exposure sets teens up for poor health outcomes. As Kelly and Juliet explain, our bodies need regular movement and time outside to function properly. Otherwise, we adapt to live a “sedentary lifestyle”. In fact, research shows that sitting for more than 6 hours per day can negatively impact how our bodies metabolize fats and sugars, hurt brain function, increase disease risk, and limit our sleep quality. We might make time for exercise, but if we spend the rest of our waking hours inactive, it simply isn’t enough. The good news? Adding more movement throughout our day doesn’t require intense exercise regimens. Light activity like walking, stretching, squatting and spending more time upright makes a measurable difference. Juliet and Kelly suggest simple habits like walking meetings, family movement breaks, and getting outside in nature more often. 10 Essential Movement Habits In Built to Move, Juliet and Kelly outline 10 essential habits that families can build to incorporate more movement, like:
These habits might seem basic, but they work synergistically to create energy, improve sleep quality, reduce injury risk and make our bodies more resilient to handle life’s curveballs. They’re designed to be simple, sustainable practices we can fit into our regular routines without added hassle. In our interview, Kelly and Juliet walk through each habit in more detail, explaining the reasoning and science behind their recommendations. They also share tips for realistically applying these habits as busy parents and professionals. Modeling Healthy Movement Teaching healthy movement habits doesn’t stop with us — we need to model these behaviors for our teens as well. As Kelly and Juliet explain, the household is the center of change. We can’t rely on institutions like schools to instill healthy practices in teenagers. Leading by example is key. Luckily, the movement habits Juliet and Kelly recommend set families up for success. Taking regular movement breaks, walking meetings and getting outside are practices the whole family can do together. Not only will these habits provide health benefits for teens, but they’ll also help families bond. Modeling healthy movement and self-care shows teenagers that things like sleep, nutrition and activity aren’t just obligations — they can be fun too. Building these habits into family time teaches teens sustainable wellness practices they can carry into adulthood. In the Episode... My conversation with Juliet and Kelly gave me simple, sustainable ideas to improve family health through movement. We also discuss:
Check out Juliet and Kelly’s new book Built to Move for even more great insights! Thanks for listening... don’t forget to subscribe! Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation. | |||
| 07 Jan 2024 | Ep 273: Lowering the Drama in Big Family Choices | 00:21:11 | |
Janice Fraser, author of Farther, Faster, and Far Less Drama, joins us to explain how families can have productive debates using decision-making frameworks that increase understanding between parents and teens. Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation. Full Show Notes Big family decisions often come loaded with drama. Choosing a high school, making plans for college, or deciding on a family vacation can easily erupt into endless debates. Teens plead their case while parents grow frustrated - and no one feels heard. So how can families have productive talks that lead to real decisions instead of arguments? This week we’re learning how better family decision-making can increase understanding and reduce drama at home. We’re joined by Janice Fraser, author of the new book Farther, Faster, and Far Less Drama: Make Better Decisions By Working Together. As an executive coach and startup advisor focused on group decision-making, Janice has delivered workshops and coached teams around the world. She’s here to teach us how we can facilitate productive family meetings by reframing the way we look at big decisions. Why Family Drama Builds During adolescence, teens develop their own perspectives - but parents don’t always make space to hear them. Without a framework for discussion, family debates can spiral as power struggles emerge. Parents may value efficiency and feel that their experience gives them authority, while teens want to feel autonomy and self-direction. To bridge this gap, Janice suggests focusing conversations around understanding rather than winning arguments. She explains that the real root of family drama lies in a values conflict, one that thoughtful discussion and compromise can usually resolve. Outcomes Over Outputs A key source of tension, Janice reveals, comes from parents and teens having different definitions of success. We often judge our kids by their outputs - their grades, achievements, sports records. But what teens really care about is meaningful outcomes that equip them for adulthood. Janice suggests reframing family talks around the outcomes we want for our teens, like confidence, purpose and responsibility. If we make decisions based on what moves us towards those outcomes, we can avoid getting locked into one narrow path forward. Tools To Organize Perspectives Of course, gathering different viewpoints is easier said than done. Families need tools to structure productive debates. Janice details facilitation techniques she’s used at home, like writing discussion points on sticky notes before talking. Organizing ideas visually allows equal participation, avoids dead-end arguments and identifies shared priorities. Janice explains how to use methods like 2x2 matrices to focus on urgent topics and depersonalize debates. Modeling Conflict Resolution Through thoughtful facilitation, parents can model critical thinking and conflict resolution - skills teens need to thrive as adults. Janice explains that by creating an open, understanding environment, parents show teens how to handle differences maturely in their own relationships. Thoughtful family decision-making leads to better outcomes all around. Janice makes it clear that with the right tools, families can work together for everyone’s growth and success. In the Episode... My conversation with Janice was packed with insights on facilitating family harmony. We also discuss:
To learn more from Janice, visit janicefraser.com or find her on Instagram @janiceleefraser. As always, don’t forget to share and subscribe! Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation. | |||
| 28 Mar 2021 | Ep 131: Emotionally Resilient Boys | 00:31:34 | |
Dr. Michael Gurian, author of Saving Our Sons, The Stone Boys, and 20+ books, joins us for a riveting discussion on the hidden ways in which our institutions and communication hurts boys. Not all is lost: there are plenty of ways we can help boys grow into emotionally resilient and thriving men! Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation. Full show notes In today’s culture, it may seem like the conversation around emotional wellbeing has moved on from solely focusing on women and girls. Yet, we rarely address the emotional wellbeing of boys and men in our cultural institutions like school, work, the family structure, or in our government’s policies. Whether it’s responding to a failed math exam, dealing with a breakup, managing an avalanche of responsibilities while entering adulthood, or dealing with trauma, we need to develop a system that helps boys process their emotions. Luckily, that’s exactly what I talk about in this week’s Talking to Teens podcast episode with psychologist and family counselor, Dr. Michael Gurian. Dr. Gurian has authored well over 20 books on adolescents, young adult males and females, and all kinds of topics relating to growing up and becoming an adult in the world we’re living in today. For more than 20 years Dr. Gurian has been helping young adults deal with trauma. In 1996, he founded the Gurian Institute, a program committed to helping boys and girls by providing counseling, professional development, and parent-teacher involvement for young students’ growth in education, making him the perfect person to talk to about helping young boys process their emotions and trauma. In the episode, our conversation centers around the tactics that parents can use to help teen boys process their emotions and trauma through two of Dr. Gurian’s books about this subject: Saving Our Sons: A New Path for Raising Healthy and Resilient Boys and The Stone Boys. The first is a myth-busting book for the whole family that can help parents and teens understand the latest research in male emotional intelligence, male motivation development, and the effects of neurotoxicity on the brain. The second is a novel that illustrates much of the information covered in the former. Dr. Gurian’s informed approach in both of these books can help parents use them as a conduit for opening their teen to tough conversations about their emotional and mental wellbeing. In the podcast, Dr. Gurian lets us in on his approach and sheds some light on some common questions that parents might have about helping their boys process emotions. So, what are the consequences of ignoring boys’ emotional wellbeing? Well, according to Dr. Gurian, the misconception that boys don’t need to worry about mental health and emotion because many of them take up positions of power in the workplace--occupying roles such as business owners, CEOs, or even the President of the United States--has led to a mental health epidemic. This crisis can be seen in some surprising statistics about gender differences in mental health:
It’s no coincidence that these statistics reflect a clear gendered problem when it comes to mental health and performance in our society’s institutions. Dr. Gurian says that we’re creating a system of nurturing in schools, family structures, government policy, and the workplace that doesn't account for how the male brain processes emotion. If we don’t respond to this crisis, boys will grow up without the skills to effectively process their emotions and cope with trauma as they develop through school, the workforce, and their relationships. Luckily, Dr. Gurian walks me through some actionable steps that parents can take to help their boys work through these problems. While you’ll have to listen to the entire podcast to hear about Dr. Gurian’s extensive approach to communicating with boys, here are three primary actions parents can take:
Following through on these steps can help you communicate with your teen boy(s) about their feelings and help them work through trauma. During the podcast, Michael walked me through these steps and how parents can better understand boys’ emotions and mentality. Meet Boys At Problem-Solving According to Dr. Gurian, one of the main differences between the male and female brain structure that is responsible for why it may be more difficult for boys to process their emotions is what we call the “sensory register.” The sensory register is processer in the brain that filters all our sensory experiences—like sound, sight, touch, taste, and smell—into emotional responses. It’s basically responsible for how we process the world through our emotions, and apparently, the sensory register impacts how females and males respond differently: For females, there are seven to nine centers in the brain that are engaged when filtering senses. This means that when the world is giving them emotional cues through the sensory register, they’re engaging more parts of their brain that help them calculate and reflect for an informed response. For males, however, there are only two centers in the brain that contribute to this process. This means that less of their brains are engaged when boys convert what happens in the world through their emotive responses. This can make it more difficult for boys to process their emotions and make a calculated response. More importantly, the parts of the brain that are engaged when males process their emotions aren’t as connected to verbal centers as in females. This means two things for how boys respond to emotional trauma: 1. Their first instinct won’t be to communicate or vocalize their wellbeing, and 2. Their first instinct will move more directly toward problem solving. At first, this might seem like a positive response. Trying to problem solve is proactive so it must be a good thing, right? Upon closer inspection, trying to problem solve without carefully acknowledging and reflecting on our emotional status can lead to confusing or even destructive results. If boys try to deal with difficulties by muting their emotional response, they won’t know how to adequately differentiate what’s going on in the world outside themselves from what’s going on inside. For example, if your child fails a homework assignment or underperforms at a sporting event, they might blame themselves or look for a quick response to quiet feelings of disappointment or sadness. This can result in hasty decision-making that doesn’t produce the best result and they won’t be able to adequately address two distinctly different problems. To curb this behavior, Dr. Gurian suggests talking with boys about noticing these tendencies an... | |||
| 10 May 2020 | Ep 84: Contain Your Teen’s Tech | 00:25:40 | |
Joshua Wayne, author of new book The Simple Parenting Guide to Technology, clues Andy in on the latest statistics and solutions to teens’ addiction to technology. Plus, how to adjust your rules--or set them--during the coronavirus pandemic. Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation. Full show notes Viewing Life From a Screen Did you know the average teen spends over seven hours a day in front of a screen? And no—that doesn’t include mandatory screen time for school research, Zoom classes, and online assignments. The average teen screen time of seven hours a day is spent on video games, apps, social media, and other forms of aimless web browsing. Passive entertainment is taking up more and more of teens’ free time every day. In fact, some researchers estimate that teens spend as much as 40% of their life in front of a screen. This is a worrisome statistic for parents—and anyone invested in the next generation for that matter. The teenage years are critical for cognitive brain development, forming positive relationships, and practicing social skills. So what happens if your teenager is stunting their cognitive development by staying up hours into the night playing video games, Snapchatting, and scrolling through Instagram? This oversaturization can have lasting negative effects on a teen’s brain. So should parents reduce the average teen screen time? Considering how much social media and other screen-based activities play a role in a teen’s social life—especially since COVID-19 has postponed many in-person activities—parents have to walk a fine line when monitoring their teens’ technology use. So what should parents do to balance phone and TV time with in person interactions? This week I spoke with expert Joshua Wayne, author of The Simple Parenting Guide to Technology, to discuss how parents can monitor the average teen screen time. Wayne’s book provides parents with incredibly practical ways to approach screen time, and with COVID-19 spurring a massive increase in virtual connectivity, his perspective is more valuable now than ever. In our interview, Wayne explains how to create and implement a technology agreement and how it can be used to set guidelines for the average teen screen time. Big Tech Problems Technology has brought us access to a wealth of information we would otherwise have to search libraries upon libraries for. Think about how you would accomplish a book report on Abraham Lincoln and the Civil War when you were a teen and computers and smartphones didn’t exist. You had to go to the library and check out four different books to compile enough information for your report. And then you’d have to write the whole thing without spellcheck—what a pain! In comparison, having access to this information instantly and without having to leave home saves us so much time. Wayne firmly believes that technology has brought more good than bad and that it’s here to stay. Fighting for the average teen screen time to be zero is not only futile, but unrealistic and impractical. So with that in mind, should parents reduce the average teen screen time? Generally speaking, yes, but the amount and way it’s limited is up to the individual family. Wayne knows all families have different levels of reliance on technology. For a family with two kids heavily involved in varsity sports who aren’t particularly reliant on their phone, setting a two-hour limit per day works. However, for the family of a teen who isn’t big on extracurriculars but spends their time learning how to code software by watching YouTube videos, a four-hour limit a day is more realistic. In this interview, Wayne uses a few simple guiding rules to help you decide what screen time limits are best for your specific situation. Parents need to acknowledge that the average teen screen time is seemingly high partially because of how important social media is to your kids. Although you might have Instagram or Facebook yourself, you might be wondering why your teen needs to waste their entire day messaging on social media and Snapchatting their friends. However, they might actually be having extremely meaningful conversation and developing strong bonds with their friends on these apps. These conversations have become even more precious to teens since the COVID-19 outbreak has prevented them from seeing their friends at school or on the weekends. They’re starved of a social outlet and what’s filling this gap is social media. It may be frustrating to see them on their phone constantly but ultimately, if your teen’s screen time is being spent on a healthy activity it might be better to make more room for it in their life. Using electronic devices is part of everyday life, but getting outside, stowing phones at night, and in-person interactions are all productive ways to lower the average teen screen time. These suggestions should be included in your Family Tech Agreement, which is a plan Wayne developed to help parents create rules that’ll monitor their teen’s phone usage. The rules can be things like no phones after 11pm on weekdays or no social media on holidays that everyone in the family must abide by, even the parents. The rules in this agreement should be determined by the activities and responsibilities they need to accomplish, like sports practices or SAT Prep, before getting free time to use their devices. Wayne says to be prepared for pushback because in most cases, your teen won’t want to have any limitations on their screen time and will resist having to abide by an agreement. While there is plenty of room for negotiation between parent and teen in the Family Tech Agreement, listen in to hear how to maintain your authority while creating an Agreement that will reduce the average teen screen time. Parental Control In this episode, Wayne discusses how it’s not only important to limit average teen screen time, you also need to keep a watch on what your teen is consuming. It’s unpleasant to think that your teen is watching unwholesome videos or exchanging unsavory texts with people you don’t want them talking to—but it’s reality. The world wide web is a dark place where unmentionable things happen to unassuming teens every day. Because of this, there are plenty of parental control apps you can use to see what websites your teen is viewing as well as location apps to track their whereabouts. At first thought, you might find these parental control apps to be invasive. You trust that your kid isn’t looking at inappropriate things and if they know you’re monitoring what they do online, they’ll think you don’t trust them. While it’s great that you trust your kid is only using their phone to look at pictures of puppies and send their grandmother nice emails on her birthday, you may be giving them too much credit. Even the most responsible teens come across websites with illicit or salacious content, whether on accident or intentionally. There are a myriad of risky things they can come across, like websites that’ll give them viruses, porn sites that operate under unassuming pseudonyms, or even websites that will sneakily take money from your teen. Wayne's insists that you explain to your teen that you’re using parental control apps not ... | |||
| 10 Dec 2023 | Ep 269: Are You a Consistent Parent? | 00:27:35 | |
Sheri Glucoft Wong, author of Raising Kids, shares the importance of being a consistent parent, even when raising teens feels like a complicated maze. As a therapist, Sheri has a wealth of insight on how to effectively and consistently communicate with our kids. Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation. Full Show Notes As parents, we all have those moments when communicating with our teen feels easy, and other times when no matter what we say, it leads to conflict. Why is that? What makes the difference between feeling effective vs ineffective? This week we’re exploring that idea with our guest Sheri Glucoft Wong, a nationally recognized family therapist and author of Raising Kids: Your Essential Guide to Everyday Parenting. Sheri introduces the concept of being “on your spot” as a parent – when you feel aligned in your head, heart, and gut about an issue, communicate it clearly to your teen, and they respond accordingly without a power struggle. What does it mean to be “on your spot” and why does it create cooperation not conflict? How can we get “off our spot” and start grasping for leverage through threats and consequences? Sheri explains why threats often backfire and how a simple “tweak” using “when/then” language instead of “if/then” can turn things around. The Power of Being “On Your Spot” Being on your spot as a parent means you feel clear and aligned internally about an issue, so you can take a firm yet kind stance with your teen. Sheri shares how parents have no trouble insisting kids wear seatbelts in the car – they never threaten or bribe, they just know it’s non-negotiable. But with other issues, like manners or chore completion, they struggle because they’re not fully on their spot. In our interview, Sheri describes how being on your spot means your head, heart, and gut all align – you intellectually know what your teen needs, you care enough to want that for them, and your instincts tell you it’s the right thing. When all three are lined up, you can stand firm calmly and prevail without resorting to power struggles. From Threats to Incentives When we’re off our spot as parents, we often start grasping for leverage over our teens through punishments and consequences. We take away devices or restrict privileges trying to motivate them. But Sheri explains that while limits are fine, threats rarely work and can backfire. Instead of “if/then” threats, Sheri suggests “when/then” incentives. Rather than saying “if you don’t complete your homework, you lose phone privileges,” say “when you complete your homework, you can have phone time.” This small tweak eliminates the threatening tone and helps motivate cooperation. Reframing Difficult Experiences No matter how much we want to shield our teens from pain, they’ll inevitably face disappointments that are out of our control – a pandemic, social conflict, a lost game. But as Sheri explains, what truly shapes the impact isn’t what happens to teens, but rather what they make those events mean. As parents, we have power to reframe difficult situations and influence how our teens internalize them. We can encourage resilience rather than victimhood by discussing values and modeling emotional management. By focusing on what they can control, not what happens to them, we help teens build lifelong coping skills. Additional Topics:
If you enjoyed this episode, check out Sheri’s book Raising Kids: Your Essential Guide to Everyday Parenting for more great insights! Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation. | |||
| 05 Mar 2023 | Ep 231: The Power of Strangers | 00:29:03 | |
Joe Keohane, author of The Power of Strangers, joins us to discuss the many benefits of starting a conversation with a stranger. We talk about why we’re often so afraid to talk to people on the bus or at a coffee shop, and what to say to spark a connection with someone we’ve never met. Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation. Full show notes How many strangers do you encounter on a daily basis? Riding public transport, ordering a coffee, hanging out at the bar–these simple tasks require us to chat with people we’ve never met. As naturally social creatures, humans have the potential to make friends with each and every stranger we meet, and would probably be happier if we did! But instead, we pull out our phones, put on our earbuds and try not to make eye contact. We’re afraid to talk to strangers, but why? And how much better might life be if we took the time to talk to strangers more often? To find out the answer, we’re talking to Joe Keohane, author of The Power of Strangers: The Benefits of Connecting in a Suspicious World. Joe is a journalist who’s worked at Medium, Esquire, Entrepreneur, and Hemisphere. His work has also been featured in New York Magazine, The Boston Globe, The New Yorker, Wired, and more! In our interview, we’re talking about why people are so hesitant to talk to strangers, and how we can foster positive conversations with people we’ve just met. Plus, what we can gain from starting up a chat with the guy next to us on the subway or the girl taking our order. The Truth About “Stranger Danger” Most of us (and our kids) were taught never to talk to strangers. Our parents and teachers warned us of the dangers of speaking with unknown adults or people we don’t trust. Joe calls this “stranger danger propaganda” and explains that this concept is statically baseless. In fact, 90% of the time, crimes like assault, murder or kidnapping happen at the hands of someone we already know. As long as we’re savvy about it, talking to strangers is typically a lot safer than we realize, Joe says. We also tend to assume that other people are busy, stressed, or simply don’t want to talk to us. This assumption is also typically wrong, says Joe. In our interview, we discussed several experiments in which researchers encouraged study participants to talk to strangers on the subway or other public places. Most of the time, these initiated interactions were overwhelmingly successful, to the surprise of the participants. And when researchers surveyed them afterwards, most participants said the interaction with a stranger brightened their day or made them actually enjoy a dreaded commute. In the episode, Joe explains how younger people are often the most afraid of talking to strangers. This is because they’re used to chatting online or through text, where they can control the terms of the conversation. They can choose not to respond, think about what to say, re-read and edit responses before sending. While those functions can be useful for digital communication, they make it a bit harder to communicate in real life. In fact, young people are statistically the loneliest and often feel much more isolated, explains Joe. Talking to strangers is not only a lot safer than we think, but also has a multitude of benefits. In our interview, Joe and I are discussing all the ways we can benefit from talking to strangers.
Despite our typical routine of ignoring each other on the bus or in the grocery store, humans are actually incredibly social creatures, Joe says. We’re inherently much more capable of forming and keeping relationships than other animals, and are much happier when we have a sense of community and belonging with others. Speaking with those who are from different generations, racial groups or identities can be great for us as well, Joe says, as it allows us to broaden our perspectives and understand the complexities of others. Our evolutionary social mechanisms are shown through research, Joe explains. Many psychologists philosophize that talking with someone you’ve never met can spike oxytocin in the brain-the chemical associated with social bonding and connecting to others. In fact, many studies show that talking with strangers can help us resolve or avoid falling into mental illness, by helping us feel more optimistic and less isolated. Talking with strangers can have cognitive benefits as well. In the episode, Joe explains how discussing anything with an unknown person requires our brain to work hard, synthesize new information and reevaluate your perspective on certain subjects. This can be great for our executive function, and allows us to only get better at meeting new people in the future. Even when we’re aware of all the benefits, talking to a random person can still be pretty challenging. To help, Joe and I are sharing some strategies you can employ to make socializing with strangers a little easier. Starting the Conversation If you want to foster communication with a stranger, Joe suggests starting by offering up a piece of information about yourself. This signals to the other person that you’re open to sharing and discussing life, and that they’re safe to do the same. However, Joe advises not to “dump” too much on the other person and scare them away. Keeping it light and positive at first can be helpful, until the conversation develops further. To navigate this, Joe emphasizes the importance of listening and paying attention to the other person’s energy. Listening isn’t always as easy as we think, Joe explains. When we’re in a conversation with someone we’re just getting to know, we often wait for them to mention something we know about or can chime in on, and then jump in to give our two cents. Instead of waiting to talk about ourselves. Joe recommends we try to be curious and resist our urge to interject. It can feel awkward at first, but once we start listening more actively, it simply becomes second nature, Joe explains. In the episode, we talk about various ways we can use body language to signal that we’re actually listening. When we’re talking to someone we’ve never met, we typically fall into predictable scripts–asking how they are, what they do, or where they’re from. And while these can sometimes be good ways to get to know one another, they also tend to cut conversations short by being too easy to answer. Joe suggests that we break the script and ask something unpredictable instead! In the episode, he shares a method he often uses, where he responds to “how are you?” with a numerical digit and prompts the stranger to do the same.
This week’s episode will convince you to start a conversation with the next stranger you meet! On top of the topics discussed above, we also talk about:
If you enjoyed this week’s episode, check out Joe’s website... | |||
| 23 Oct 2022 | Ep 213: Guiding Teens Through Grief | 00:26:14 | |
Dr. Elena Lister, psychologist and author of Giving Hope, speaks about why it’s so essential to discuss death with our kids. Elena explains how to have age-appropriate talks when a loved one passes, and how to help grieving teens who are struggling to open up. Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation. Full show notes When a loved one is seriously ill or passes unexpectedly, there’s no easy way to tell our kids. While we want them to know the truth and feel supported through any grief they might have, we don’t want to freak them out or say the wrong thing. This is particularly true when it comes to teenagers, who typically don’t want to talk to parents about anything–especially intense emotions. But talking about death and loss can be immensely valuable for teens, especially after a tragedy. Opening up a conversation about grief reminds teens that their home is a safe space for difficult feelings. For teens who feel like they’re mourning on their own, having a parent to turn to can make all the difference. Today we’re talking to Dr. Elena Lister, co-author of Giving Hope: Conversations with Children About Illness, Death, and Loss. Elena is a psychology professor and practicing psychologist. In her work, she specializes in treating people who are struggling with grief. She also travels to schools to help kids deal with the loss of teachers, school staff or other members of their community. In our interview, Elena and I are covering why conversations about death are so essential, and what we can say to support teens who are working through the loss of a loved one. Plus, how you can help teens who don’t want to open up about their grief.
Although it can be one of the most difficult topics for anyone to talk about, discussing death can also be incredibly important. Death is an inevitable part of life, explains Elena, and kids are often already aware of it before we ever bring it up. Pixar movies touch on themes of grief and loss, and school curriculums tackle famous figures who’ve passed. Without a conversation about death at home, kids can sometimes feel like they’re grappling with the concept alone. When we allow kids to feel comfortable talking about death, we help them claim ownership over their emotions, says Elena. These talks remind teens that they’re capable of managing difficult things in both the present and the future–tough emotions included, Elena says. If we don’t offer them this refuge, teens can bring the trauma of these losses into adulthood, where they may have even more trouble working through them. Elena explains that it can sometimes be tempting to lie to kids when the reality of death arises–like telling kids that the family dog went off to live on a farm when the truth is that he’s passed. But lying can undermine the bond of trust between you and your teen, Elena says, leading kids to be suspicious of anything else you might say for years to come. Plus, teens can often sense when you aren’t telling the truth, and might feel upset if they know you’re hiding something, she explains. Whether you have to break the news of a loved one's passing or just want to help kids understand the concept of death, these conversations aren’t easy. Elena is helping us understand what we can say to help teens feel supported, and what terms or topics to avoid.
If you want to have a conversation about death with teens, Elena recommends weaving this talk into everyday life. It might not seem intuitive, but bringing these heavy topics into a more casual environment can make them easier to discuss. She suggests leaving time for kids to ask questions after the talk, and then returning to daily activities. It can also be comforting to spend some time together doing something simple after, like watching a movie. What’s the best time of day for the conversation? Elena advises us not to break the news of a loved one’s passing before bedtime, she says, as humans are predisposed to feel lonely at night. If possible, she recommends we avoid telling kids before they go off to school, unless it’s someone in their immediate circle. Elena explains that kids often perceive a shift in energy among parents and peers when someone passes, and this might cause confusion if the circumstances are clearly communicated. Elena suggests that parents choose a moment when they're free to spend some time with kids afterwards–if the situation allows. If you can sit with teens without distractions, they’ll know you're there to comfort them and guide them through any grief they might have. In our interview, Elena and I talk about how important it is to put down our phones and other electronics during this time–even though it can be tempting to scroll through emails to deflect tension. Sometimes, however, teens don’t want to start up a conversation at all. This can lead parents to wonder if teens are struggling to communicate their grief, or simply talking about their feelings with someone else. Elena and I are talking about how you can interpret teens’ closed-off behavior and help them accept any feelings they might be wrestling with. Guiding Teens Through Grief We all react differently to grief, Elena explains. If teens aren’t crying or showing outward signs of sadness, it doesn’t mean they aren’t struggling. Some kids even feel guilty about not crying, and might need a gentle reminder that any reaction they’re having is ok, says Elena. When kids seem to be avoiding emotion altogether, Elena suggests trying to find a non-verbal way they can express their grief. We share more specific ways to do this in the episode. Teens are usually experiencing the natural process of finding their independence, and may not want to talk to parents about what they’re feeling. If they aren’t sharing their grief with you, Elena recommends ensuring that they’re talking to someone else. Whether that person is a friend, a teacher, a counselor or a different family member, having someone else to open up to can be an essential part of processing the death of a loved one. Sometimes teens need the help of a professional, like a therapist or grief counselor. But how do we know when it's time to call for this resource? Elena says that if teens aren’t able to reacclimate regular life in four to six weeks, it might be wise to set up a professional appointment. If they aren’t eating or sleeping, refuse to come out of their room or suddenly begin acting up, they might need additional help beyond what parents can give. In the Episode… There’s so much to learn from Elena in this episode. On top of the topics discussed above, we also talk about:
If you enjoyed this week’s episodes, you can find more from Elena at elenalistermd.com, or on Twitter @Elenalistermd1. Thanks for listening, and don’t forget to share and subscribe! We’ll see you ... | |||
| 15 Sep 2024 | Ep 306: Mathematical Confidence for Parents | 00:23:19 | |
Ben Orlin, author of Math for English Majors, joins us to share how parents can understand and teach math effectively. We explore how mathematics can be approachable and enjoyable for both parents and teens. Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation. Full Show Notes Math can often feel like an insurmountable challenge, especially for parents trying to help their teens with homework. Many parents remember their own struggles with math or may feel unqualified to help, particularly if they excelled in non-numerical subjects like English or history. It’s easy to feel lost when faced with the task of supporting a teen in a subject that stumped us years ago. However, the world of math doesn’t have to be daunting. Often, the barrier isn't the complexity of the subject itself, but the way it's been traditionally taught. Being able to assist and guide teens through their math-related challenges can create not only better academic outcomes but also strengthen your relationship with them. Shifting the way we understand and approach teaching math can have a tremendous impact on our teens' confidence and capabilities. This week, we’re diving into how parents can gain the mathematical insight they need to support their teens. We're joined by Ben Orlin, a seasoned math teacher, and author of the popular blog, Math with Bad Drawings. Ben's new book, Math for English Majors, focuses on making math accessible, even for those who have historically found the subject challenging. His unique approach, which includes the use of humorously "bad" drawings to explain mathematical concepts, aims to demystify math and make it more engaging for everyone. Math and Its Misunderstood Nature Ben explains how math is often abstract and how its inherent structure can put people off, especially when taught in a rigid, one-size-fits-all classroom. His insights touch on the disconnect many feel when they believe they are "bad at math", and how the educational system's approach often heightens this feeling. He emphasizes the importance of leading with empathy, understanding, and a willingness to explore the subject differently. Bridging the Gap with Analogies and Language One of the key strategies Ben discusses is drawing parallels between math and language. Just as language has structure and rules, so does math. By relating mathematical concepts to linguistic structures that are already familiar to many parents and teens, he opens new avenues for understanding. A key idea shared is the notion of thinking of equations not as rigid commands but as dynamic structures that can be "paraphrased" much like sentences in a story. Games: A Gateway to Mathematical Thinking Ben also delves into the use of games as a tool for making math more approachable. Games inherently involve strategic thinking and problem-solving, which are core components of mathematical thought. He suggests incorporating board games and puzzles into learning routines to help teens develop a natural comfort with mathematical reasoning without the pressure of formal education settings. Embracing the 'Bad Drawings' Philosophy A significant part of Ben's teaching philosophy is embracing imperfection. His "bad drawings" method aims to lower the stakes and create a more inviting atmosphere for learning math. This approach removes intimidation and encourages teens to view mistakes as part of the learning process rather than failures. In the Episode…. My discussion with Ben Orlin offers valuable insights and practical tips for parents looking to better support their teens in math:
Additionally, Ben shares his broader thoughts on the essential role parents play in shaping their teens' educational experiences. For listeners interested in further exploring Ben’s methodologies and drawing some inspiration from his lighthearted yet effective approach, you can visit his blog at MathwithBadDrawings.com or follow him on social media platforms like Twitter (@BenOrlin) and Instagram (@MathwithBadDrawings). Tune in to this episode to revolutionize your approach to teaching math and build a more math-friendly household. Don’t forget to subscribe and share if you found this episode helpful! Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation. | |||
| 29 Jan 2023 | Ep 226: Making Better Decisions | 00:27:56 | |
Decision-making expert Eric J Johnson, author of The Elements of Choice, joins us to discuss how our choices are often influenced by external forces without our knowledge. He also describes different kinds of decision-making and explains how memory affects our choices. Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation. Full show notes We make thousands of choices every day–what to eat, what to wear, which email to send first, even how much creamer to put in our coffee. It might seem like we’re making these choices of our own accord, but we often don't realize how many forces are influencing each and every choice we make. Everything from corporate marketing to peer influence can shape our decisions in profound and surprising ways! This is especially true for teenagers, who are making some early and important decisions like where to go to college or what career to commit to. If we want teens to make smart choices, we’ll have to teach them to spot all the ways their decisions are being influenced by those around them. To help us understand how external forces affect our decision-making process, we’re talking to Eric J. Johnson, author of The Elements of Choice: Why the Way We Decide Matters. Eric is a Professor of Business and Director of the Center of Decision Studies at Columbia Business School. He’s also the President of the Society for Judgment and Decision Making and The Society for Neuroeconomics at Columbia! An expert on the science of decision-making, Eric is here to help us understand the nuanced influences that affect every choice we make. In our interview, we’re discussing the different kinds of decision-making and their advantages. We also break down the way external factors influence our choices, and the significance of memory in our decision-making. Why do we each make unique choices, and what are the consequences? These are just a few of the questions Eric asks in his research as he attempts to learn more about the decision-making process. In our interview, he lays out two common types of analysis: integrative and comparative. Integrative decision-makers take in the whole picture, ingesting and evaluating all the details and analyzing every bit of information. In contrast, comparative thinkers tend to look at the most essential component of each choice, and make a decision based on that comparison. To help us understand, Eric describes an experiment in which participants were offered forty dollars immediately or fifty dollars if they could wait a while. Integrative thinkers might measure the availability of the forty dollars over the time spent waiting for the extra ten, and choose to walk away with forty. Comparative thinkers may simply see the dollar amounts and pick the higher one, he says, waiting for the fifty. How does this play out for teenagers? Eric explains that these are common methods of decision-making when it comes to choosing a college. Some teens might use integrative reasoning to evaluate the whole experience–student body size, campus environment, quality of facilities–while comparative thinkers might just compare the stats of the school’s post-grad employment rates or cost of attendance. If you want your teen to think one way or the other, it might be best to push them in the direction of integrative or comparative thinking. These choices aren't made in a vacuum, however, and there are plenty of influences on our decisions. Eric and I are breaking down the many ways our choices are manipulated, often without our own knowledge.
Although we might not realize it, we’re often swayed in our decision-making by those who are presenting us with choices. Oftentimes, they make certain choices easier or more straightforward than others, leading us to choose that option to save time and energy. Eric uses the example of an autofilled box on an online form. If the box is already checked, we often don’t even bother to read what we’re agreeing to. The same goes for things like medical forms or advertisements. For teens looking to choose a college, there are quite a few forces influencing their decision. Eric and I talk at length about how parents, peers, pop culture and colleges themselves all exert influence over how kids pick which school to attend. If kids simply hear about certain colleges more often, they’re likely to apply to those schools…even if they aren’t really the best option for your teens' particular life plans. This is especially true for students who come from lower income backgrounds, and simply aren’t encouraged to explore pricier or high-ranking schools quite so often. Additionally, about 50% of U.S. students also have to pick a high school, especially in New York City, Eric explains. In NYC, students are forced to pick from thousands of schools within the city to find the right fit. Eric explains how this demonstrates a common conundrum in decision-making. To make the right choice, the chooser can’t be overwhelmed with too many options, but they need enough options to make sure they pick something that’s the right fit. This means the pool of choices needs to be manageably small–but not too small! In the episode, Eric explains how this issue is solved for New York City High Scholers and beyond in the episode. There are a few other things that affect our decisions–including memory. Eric explains all the ways memory changes the way we make choices.
Eric illustrates the significance of memory in our decision-making by telling a story about Ben Franklin. When Ben was approached by a friend and asked how to make a decision, Ben advised his friend to weigh the pros and the cons of each choice–but to do so over a day or two instead of in a single moment. If we write a list in ten minutes, our brains are likely suppressing one choice in favor of the other. If we give our brain time to remember all the details, we can make a better choice…instead of one based on what we remember at the current moment. In the episode, Eric and I talk about how teens can practice this method in their daily lives. You might notice the phenomenon of memory play out when you’re reading a list of options on a menu or guide. Whichever option is first typically takes root in your memory, with the others fading into obscurity in your mind as they go on. This is commonly seen in elections, Eric explains, where whomenever is first on the ballot typically wins. The order of options affects our choices in other ways as well. If a menu is listed by price, we take notice of the prices and make our decision that way. If something like wine is instead listed by quality, we might choose quality over costliness. In the end, our choices are manipulated by plenty of different forces. But by educating ourselves and our families on the science of decision-making, we can learn to gain control over our decisions and make the choices that are truly best for us. In the Episode… Chatting with Eric was both fun and enlightening! On top of the topics discussed above, we also talk about:
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| 24 Sep 2023 | Ep 260: How to Turn Setbacks into Success | 00:24:14 | |
Michelle Icard, author of Eight Setbacks That Can Make a Child a Success, returns to clue us in on what to say and do when our teens stumble and fall. We cover Michelle’s easy three-step method to speaking to your teen about any failure. Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation. Full Show Notes Setbacks and failures might seem like the worst things for teens, but they can actually be pivotal moments that build character strengths. In her new book "Eight Setbacks That Can Make a Child a Success," psychologist and parenting expert Michelle Icard flips the script on our instinct to shield teens from failure. Instead of seeing failure as something to avoid, Michelle helps reframe these experiences as opportunities for teens to grow. In this episode, Michelle walks us through the three steps she's identified to help teens leverage setbacks on their way to adulthood: separating emotions from events, identifying lessons and values, and planning next steps. We also discuss common setbacks teens face involving friendships, academics, digital life, values, and more. Michelle shares advice for how parents can respond in helpful ways, have constructive conversations, and model resilience. Why Failure Matters It's natural for parents to want to protect their teens from hurt, but experiencing failure is how teens build grit and perseverance. Setbacks teach problem-solving skills that are essential for adulthood. Still, watching your teen struggle can be painful. Michelle explains failure is part of an age-old process of identity formation common to cultures across history. Understanding this developmental path can help reframe our perspective. Michelle also describes her three-step method to help teens process failures in productive ways. By separating emotions, identifying lessons, and planning next actions, parents can guide teens through setbacks without shame. Avoiding judgment and punishment is key. Common Setbacks Teens Face Michelle outlines eight of the most common setbacks teens experience today in areas like friendships, school, social media use, values conflicts, risky behaviors, looks and body image, planning for the future, and more. She shares real-life examples and typical parent reactions, explaining how to reframe these cases as learning opportunities. We dive deeper into a few specific scenarios. Michelle offers insights into tricky situations like helping teens struggling to make friends, addressing rule-breaking and risky behavior, navigating conflicts over values, and guiding teens anxious about the future. Her advice helps move interactions from blame and anger to openness and growth. Modeling Resilience Experiencing failure isn’t just part of growing up for teens, it’s an inevitable part of life for adults too. Michelle describes how parents can use their own setbacks as teaching moments. By modeling resilience, honesty, and emotional management, parents show their teens how to transform trials into personal triumphs. Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation. | |||
| 01 Jan 2023 | Ep 222: Demystifying Sex | 00:27:15 | |
Benjamin Dunks, author of Intimacy, comes on the show to demystify common concerns and misconceptions teens have about sex. We discuss how parents can rethink the sex talk, why teens might be insecure about intimacy, and cover tricky topics like orgasms and even penis size. Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation. Full show notes Most teens have a million questions about sex: When should I have it for the first time? How do I find the right person to do it with? What’s the best way to ask for consent? How does sex even happen? Typically, kids don't exactly feel comfortable coming to parents with these concerns–and might even be too scared to ask their friends. Instead they often turn to porn for explanations…and although not all pornography is bad, there are plenty of harmful things online for kids to find. So how can we make sure kids learn about sex in a healthy way? To find out, we’re talking to Benjamin Dunks, author of Intimacy: A Guide to Young Men About Sex. Benjamin is a professional in the world of dance who’s studied the human body in both artistic and scientific ways. He’s spent the past four years interviewing young people about sex and intimacy to find out where their concerns and confusion lie. In our interview, we’re discussing how parents can have effective sex talks with kids, and how teens can deal with insecurities like lack of experience or anatomical differences. Plus,we run through the most critical things kids should know before they have their first intimate encounter.
When parents are approaching the sex talk, we often come from a place of fear, says Benjamin. We’re scared that our kids might get pregnant, contract an STD, acquire a bad reputation, get their feelings hurt–the list goes on. But when we come out of the gates full of warnings and negativity, we sometimes unwittingly push kids in the opposite direction, Benjamin explains. They roll their eyes at our advice, and then do the opposite of what we tell them! Instead, Benjamin recommends opening ourselves up to an honest and frank talk about intimacy, and even emphasizing the positive aspects. This can help kids see the pros and cons of becoming sexually active, without scaring them off with tales of terror. When we open up this line of communication with teens, it can also create trust that extends past sex talks and into other parts of life, says Benjamin. So where can we start when it comes to “the talk?” Benjamin suggests starting with lighter questions, and easing into the heavy stuff.. Benjamin also recommends that parents open up about their own experiences–although maybe without all the details! Reminding kids that you also felt scared or confused about sex when you were young might make them feel less alone, Benjamin says.
Teens can be insecure about lots of things, sex included. Many teenagers, especially young boys, might feel insecure about their lack of knowledge or experience surrounding intimate encounters. This is often because young men are taught that masculinity is all about control–controlling their emotions, their friends and their partners, Benjamin explains. When young men can’t express their insecurities, they double down on this need for control, creating a lack of communication in intimate encounters and even sexual violence. Being open and honest with partners about their insecurities instead can lead to a lot of growth for young men. Vulnerability helps create more trust between partners, and ultimately healthier relationships overall, explains Benjamin. Intimacy is more than just a sexual act, but includes emotional connections and quality time spent together, he says. Vulnerability isn’t easy–especially when teens are young and scared of getting hurt. But the more open they can be about their insecurities, the closer they’ll be with their partners. Often times, kids who feel insecure turn to drugs and alcohol to lessen their fear of a sexual encounter, Benjamin explains. That’s not a sustainable solution, however, and can lead to gray areas around consent and safety, he says. Instead, teens need to learn to be vocal about how they’re feeling. Do they feel uncomfortable? Unsafe? Are they unsure of themselves or just reluctant to become sexually active? These communication skills are just one of many things kids should know before heading into their first intimate encounter. Benjamin and I are discussing what teens should know if they’re preparing to start a sexual relationship with someone.
If teens are going to jump into a sexual encounter with someone, there’s a few things they should know first! Benjamin and I are reviewing some critical concepts that parents should review with teens who might have an intimate interaction on the horizon. One thing that Benjamin emphasizes is that every encounter is different. Everyone has unique anatomy, and an intimate interaction might be short or long, slow or fast, loud or quiet. Instead of expecting things to go a certain way, he says teens should remain open-minded and above all, communicate. Communication is key to creating a better experience, not just for themselves, but for their partners. In the episode, Benjamin and I chat about a common insecurity men face–the size of their genitals! But Benjamin assures us that size isn’t everything, and everyone is looking for something different in a partner. Other parts of an intimate encounter are just as, if not more significant than penetration, especially when it comes to women’s pleasure. We talk further about different kinds of pleasure in the episode, and how we discuss such an awkward and potentially sensitive topic with teens. Benjamin also shares what teens should know about orgasms–and why it’s ok not to have them all the time. Sexual encounters don’t always have to have orgasms as the end goal, and can be perfectly enjoyable without them, he says. However, it’s important to know what a partner enjoys, and how our own bodies work! Learning about how partners can pleasure themselves and one another can be an important part of sexuality and forming intimate relationships. In the Episode…. This episode is chock full of incredible advice for teens who might feel confused or insecure about sex. On top of the topics discussed above, we’re also talking about:
If you liked this episode, you can find more from Benjamin at his website, Benjamindunks.com. Thanks for listening, and don’t forget to share and subscribe. We’ll see you next week! Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation. | |||
| 21 Nov 2021 | Ep 165: Secrets to a Better Connection | 00:33:31 | |
David Bradford, PhD, co-author of Connect, shares his insights for how to create a deeper, more meaningful connection with your teen by tweaking communication. Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation. Full show notes
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| 30 Dec 2024 | Ep 319: How to Truly Support Your Teen | 00:26:41 | |
Chinwe Williams, author of Seen, joins us to discuss how parents can truly connect with and support their teenagers by understanding their emotional needs and fostering a growth mindset. Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation. Full Show Notes Parenting teenagers in today’s world is a challenge that many find daunting. The teenage years are fraught with turbulence, from the storm of emotional changes to academic pressure and growing responsibilities. As parents, it’s easy to feel like we’re navigating deep waters without a map. We want to be there for our teens, guiding them through their struggles and helping them build resilience. But, sometimes our well-intentioned advice seems to miss the mark, leaving both sides frustrated. This episode addresses a core issue that many parents face—making their teens feel truly seen. Adolescents deal with a host of issues that make them feel invisible or misunderstood. They struggle with anxiety, battle societal expectations, and often encounter mixed messages in their environments. By ensuring that they are ‘seen’, parents can provide critical support. Enter Dr. Chinwe Williams, counselor, educator, and author of the book "Seen". Chinwe dives into the pivotal role of meaningful connections between parents and teenagers. During our discussion, Chinwe emphasizes creating an environment where teens feel heard and appreciated—not just for their accomplishments, but for their unique selves. By validating their feelings and fostering an authentic relationship, parents can help teens recognize their self-worth and develop confidence. In this episode, Chinwe shares her own journey into the realm of adolescent counseling and outlines the essence of her book "Seen". She delves into practical strategies for connecting with teenagers, underscoring the importance of fostering a safe space for them to express themselves. We explore various themes including: The Importance of Being Seen Chinwe discusses the foundational understanding that young people need someone who knows them beyond their academic or extracurricular accolades. By providing genuine care and displaying interest in their lives, parents and mentors can powerfully impact a teenager's sense of self-worth. Chinwe shares some touching real-life stories, illustrating these concepts. Speaking Life: Encouraging Positivity The concept of "Speaking Life" involves positively affirming a teen's abilities and potential. Chinwe advises parents to be specific when they praise their children, focusing on authentic character traits, effort, and resilience, rather than empty compliments. Parental Responses that May Harm Sometimes, in our attempts to comfort or advise our kids, we inadvertently dismiss their feelings or respond in ways that may increase their distress. Chinwe highlights the importance of avoiding invalidating statements and explains how approaches like shaming, labeling, and dismissing can be detrimental. Instead, she advocates for acknowledging and validating teens' experiences to nurture trust and communication. Understanding and Reshaping Negative Thoughts Throughout the discussion, we delve into techniques for helping teenagers manage negative thought patterns. Using the THINK methodology, Chinwe outlines how teens can critically examine and reframe their thoughts, promoting healthier mental states and fostering resilience in the face of challenges. Addressing Dark Thoughts In her book, Chinwe provides insights on how to tackle one of the most serious issues: suicidal thoughts. This section offers parents critical guidance on responding with empathy and obtaining the right support for their teens. In the Episode... Our conversation with Chinwe is packed with practical advice and heartfelt reflections on supporting teenagers. On top of these topics, we explore:
If you’re ready to dive deeper into these concepts and enrich your communication with your teenager, don’t miss this episode. Reach out to Chinwe Williams on her website or Instagram for more valuable insights. Thanks for tuning in! Don’t forget to subscribe, and we’ll see you next week. Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation. | |||
| 25 Jun 2023 | Ep 247: The Surprising Benefits of an Idle Summer | 00:26:02 | |
Pam Lobley, author of Why Can’t We Just Play?, tells the story of how she got her family’s summer schedule under control and created a stronger bond with her kids by embracing the notion of “doing nothing.” Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation.
In today's fast-paced world, the life of a teenager often mirrors the hustle and bustle of adulthood. With a calendar filled to the brim with school, extracurricular activities, and social commitments, the notion of "free time" seems like a relic of the past. But what if the secret to balance, happiness, and creativity for our teens lies in embracing the art of doing nothing? This week on Talking to Teens, we delve into a topic that's at once revolutionary and nostalgic: the profound impact of stepping back to a simpler time when kids had the freedom to play without agendas or supervision. Joining us is Pam Lobley, a comedic actress turned author, whose intriguing experiment and subsequent book, "Why Can't We Just Play," brings forth valuable insights for modern-day parents striving to raise well-rounded and resilient teenagers. The Lost Art of Free Play Pam shares the story of how a casual conversation and the visceral reaction of her own children to an over-scheduled life led her to conduct a summer-long experiment with her family, stepping back into the ideals of the 1950s. This was a time when kids had the license to be kids, roaming free, inventing games, and discovering the world at their pace. The experiment, though challenging in a world that equates busyness with productivity, revealed surprising benefits not only for her children but for Pam herself. Facing Modern Parenting Pressures In our discussion, we explore the societal pressures that compel us to keep our teens always "on the go." Pam elucidates how this relentless scheduling might stem from a place of love and fear of them falling behind, yet it strips away crucial developmental opportunities. Learning to embrace periods of unstructured time can be transformative for teenagers, providing them with space to cultivate imagination, independence, and problem-solving skills. Letting Go of Control One of the most poignant aspects of Pam's narrative is the realization of how relinquishing control can foster a sense of responsibility and autonomy in teenagers. By allowing her children the freedom to choose their activities and manage their boredom, Pam witnessed an evolution in how they approached their free time and tackled the inevitable challenges of growing up. Navigating Judgement and Social Norms Pam and I also discuss the inevitable scrutiny that comes with choosing a less conventional parenting path. She shares her strategies for maintaining conviction in her choices despite societal expectations and the judgment of peers. This segment is particularly enlightening for parents who may feel isolated in their desire to defy the "over-scheduled" status quo. In the Episode… Our conversation with Pam Lobley is brimming with anecdotes, reflections, and advice that urge parents to reconsider the merit of downtime in their teenager's lives. If you're curious about the impact of "doing nothing" and the potential it holds for nurturing happier, more imaginative teenagers, this episode is for you. Also, don't miss discussions on:
Give this thought-provoking episode a listen and discover the unexpected joys of allowing teens to sometimes do absolutely nothing. Subscribe to Talking to Teens for more insights into the art and science of parenting teenagers. Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation. | |||
| 26 Dec 2021 | Ep 170: The Effects of Screentime and How to Deal with It | 00:32:21 | |
Alex J. Packer, author of Slaying Digital Dragons, joins us for a look at technology’s effects on our physical, mental, and social health, and how we can control our own tech use, and not let it control us! Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation. Full show notes For parents, technology can be quite the headache. We want kids to stay connected to the world, but is their iphone distracting them from school? Is all the time spent on social media making them depressed or anxious? Should we be limiting their screen time, blocking websites or supervising them while they’re scrolling through Tik Tok? At this point, it’s tempting to just throw their phones in the trash and forbid them from going on the computer at all! But if we try to set rules or even just tell them to put the phone down, they’re suddenly slamming the door in our faces or rolling their eyes. Even when we have the best intentions, trying to monitor teen’s tech use can turn into a cycle of nagging and arguing. If we’re going to escape all the bickering, we’ve got to convince teens to make the change for themselves, instead of trying to force them to budge. Our guest this week is not only an expert on how screens are affecting budding minds, but also has some seriously smart tips for talking to teens about it all. Alex J. Packer spent 14 years as President and CEO of FCD Educational Services, the leading nonprofit providing drug education and substance abuse prevention services for schools across the world. His new book, Slaying Digital Dragons: Tips and Tools for Protecting Your Body, Brain, Psyche, and Thumbs from the Digital Dark Side, touches on a new kind of addiction–the compulsive use of screens in our society, particularly amongst young adults. In our interview, we’re diving deep into the harmful effects of tech on teens, and getting into how to help kids cleanse themselves of toxic tech habits. Why We Should Be Worried About Teens’ Tech Use Although you may have heard about the negative effects of too much screen time, it can be easy to just dismiss these ideas as myths. If your teen doesn’t seem to be struggling with anything as a result of their new iphone, should you really be worried? According to Alex, you definitely should be. In our interview, he’s laying out several concerning effects of too much tech use–some social, some physical, some psychological and some emotional! One of the most commonly discussed conundrums of the social media age is the tendency for young adults (and everyone else) to become rather obsessed with online popularity and image. Teens have been concerned with popularity since teenagerhood was invented, but social media has taken the adolescent quest for social status from the high school halls right into your child’s bedroom, says Alex. Twitter, Instagram and Snapchat cause teens to think about their status 24/7, by constantly reminding them about likes, shares and followers. No wonder our kids are so stressed out! There are also plenty of physical effects brought about by all the screen time. Teens (and parents!) can suffer from intense eye strain from spending so much time staring at their tiny phone screens. Alex also explains an issue he calls “tech neck” or the pain, soreness, and bad posture we experience as a result of hunching over our laptops and ipads. There’s the possibility of pain in hand and fingers, but most concerning of all to Alex is the risk to our sleep. In the episode, he explains further why we should be very worried about the effects of screens on our ability to sleep. The constant stimulation of screens is also a consistent psychological problem, says Alex. It tends to trigger our fight or flight response, which activates our nervous system. Continuously aggravating our body this way leads to chronic stress, which not only affects our bodily health, but our minds as well. Teens might find themselves struggling to focus or remember things, leading their academic performance to falter. Plus, Alex says there’s science to suggest that having so many devices is affecting teens’ social skills. Research shows that teenagers these days aren’t as comfortable socializing face to face. They aren't as capable of solving conflict or expressing themselves, Alex explains. In the episode, Alex and I discuss how this can become a cycle: teens don’t socialize in person, and find socializing online easier...meaning they are discouraged from talking to peers in the real world and continue chatting on the internet instead. Now that we’re familiar with the problems tech can cause our teens, Alex helps us discover some solutions!
It can be pretty tricky to have constructive talks with teens about anything, but their phones and computers are an especially tough topic. Teens tend to dislike the suggestion that they should lay off their screens for any amount of time! Trying to restrict the sites they visit can also be challenging, as teens are pretty determined to have as much independence as possible. Alex suggests shifting energy away from the power struggle, and instead attempting to create a partnership around tech use. Teenagers will never react well to someone trying to establish control, says Alex. Instead, if you can get teens to understand that you’re on their side, you’ll be much more successful, he explains. To start, Alex recommends asking teens some questions to prompt them to think critically about the ways they use their devices. Do they find that they struggle to sleep after using their computers late at night? How often do they look at their phones when they're socializing with friends in person? Do they tend to look towards their tech when they’re sad or bored? And does it really make them feel better….or do they just end up feeling worse? These questions are some of the first steps teens can take to becoming increasingly self aware about their technology use. It can also be really helpful to educate teens about the effects of too much tech. They may not realize how much their bodies and minds are being shaped by the technology they use every single day. Once parents explain, teens might make the connection between their own habits and their lack of sleep, or their frequent anxiety, says Alex. In the episode, Alex explains how teens can perform what he calls an “app-endectomy”. This is a multi-step process teens can use to cleanse themselves to their toxic tech habits. It starts with teens asking reflective questions about their tech use to understand where they might be going wrong. Then Alex recommends they set one achievable goal, so as not to overwhelm themselves–like aiming to put their phone away two hours before bedtime every night. Alex explains the next steps to this proven method in our interview! He emphasizes that teens tend to model the behavior of parents. This means that if parents are on their phones at the dinner table, kids will be too. If you want to create a certain culture around technology in your home, Alex suggests starting by exhibiting healthy patterns yourself! In the Episode… There are so many useful tips for parents to tackle tech in this week’s... | |||
| 15 Jan 2023 | Ep 224: The Power of Peer Influence | 00:26:50 | |
Justin Blaney, author of Relationshift, joins us to discuss the power that peer influence has over teens. Plus, how teens can find great mentors and how the right friends always encourage teens to expand their worldview. Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation. Full show notes Teens are undeniably influenced by their peers. They adopt their friends’ fashion, hobbies, attitudes and even opinions….for better or for worse! Whomever your teen decides to spend time with, those people are critical to your teens wellbeing. These individuals might encourage your kids to follow their dreams and become their best selves, or involve them in risky and regrettable behavior. That’s why it's essential to understand the power of peer pressure–and guide teens to make the right kind of friends. To help us ensure that teens are hanging with the right crowd, we’re talking to Justin Blaney, author of Relationshift. Justin is a successful entrepreneur, professor of business at the University of Washington, and the author of 12 books! He’s here to share advice about forging healthy and helpful relationships, gathered from both his professional life as a businessman and personal life as a father of three! In the episode, we discuss why it’s so essential that teens spend time around peers who lift them up rather than those who drag them down. Plus, how kids can find the right mentors, and how good companions can help teens expand their worldview.
In the episode, Justin talks a lot about how teens can get in with the “right” crowd–but not in a moral sense. Instead, these friends should be the kind of people who encourage teens to follow their dreams, find happiness and live their best lives. Of course, no friend is going to be perfect, but a good companion should motivate teens to feel confident and strive for self improvement, Justin explains. Justin and I talk about how teens can evaluate their friendships to see if they’re bringing happiness or hindrance. He explains a method that he refers to as the plus/minus statistic–a metric borrowed from sports! Justin says that teens can weigh the good and the bad to discover if teens’ friends are making their lives better or holding them back. We talk further about the plus/minus statistic in the episode, and how it can help teens surround themselves with the right people. Guiding teens to pick the right companions starts with encouraging them to be self aware, Justin says. Sometimes teens can be a bit oblivious to the negative parts of their friendships, and refuse to think of their friends as bad influences. Justin recommends sitting kids down and asking them to recount their dreams, goals and vision for their life and then reflecting on whether or not their friends are conducive to this dream–or are actively keeping them from achieving it. Beyond just peers, teens need mentors to push them in the right direction. Justin and I are talking about how teenagers can find the right mentor to guide them through their own personal struggles and goals. Finding Meaningful Mentors Finding a great mentor requires teens to choose someone who’s been through the same things they have, says Justin. Sometimes teens tend to gravitate towards those who have found immense success in the field they aspire to…but oftentimes these successful people were just lucky, says Justin. It’s even more likely that these people had a leg-up in life, whether it's inherited wealth, nepotism or simply an especially encouraging family. Justin encourages parents to reiterate this disparity to teens who might find themselves frustrated by the success of others. Other people might have simply been born with more athletic ability or academic intelligence, or maybe their financially comfortable background allowed them to study instead of spending time working. Whatever the case may be, teens shouldn’t compare themselves to peers or even adults who seem to excel effortlessly. In the end, these lucky people often make poor mentors, because they haven’t gone through as much struggle as most other successful people, said Justin. Finding mentors from a similar background who are familiar with the same difficulties teens are facing will create a much more successful mentor/mentee experience at the end of the day, he says. In the episode, Justin and I talk about all the different kinds of mentorship that teens can take advantage of. One of a mentor’s many roles is to help teens expand their worldview. Justin and I are discussing how important it is for teens to broaden their perspective and how strong relationships with peers and mentors can help them do so. Embracing New Perspectives As teens grow up, they start to learn more about the world…and sometimes think they know everything! That’s why it’s so important for teens to be surrounded by people who put their worldview to the test. Half the time, kids don’t even realize just how oblivious they are to certain realities, and they need someone to broaden their perspective. Justin uses the example of kids who grow up in poverty and don’t even realize options like college could ever be a reality for them–until they meet a role model who changes their mind. Parents, mentors and peers alike can help teens break out of their comfort zone and rethink their lives by simply encouraging them to take risks. In the episode, Justin and I talk about a sort of mental immune system that we develop as we grow up and start to filter “bad” things out and welcome “good'' things in. Over time, we start to do it habitually, without even thinking, leading us to reject things that seem unfamiliar or vaguely threatening in any way. In our interview, Justin and I are talking about how we can push teens to tweak this system and invite new experiences into their lives. As much as we try, parents can’t teach kids everything, and we’ll always have certain blinds pots. To remedy this, Justin suggests that parents find someone who can help kids in the areas where we struggle to give guidance–like a younger relative or a career professional. Arranging meetings or phone calls with someone who can give teens valuable advice is a gentle and kind way to help kids learn about the world and challenge their own opinions. With a greater worldview, they’ll be able to envision possibilities for themselves that they never imagined, growing one step closer to living their best life. In The Episode…. I had a wonderful time talking with Justin this week! On top of the topics discussed above, we also talk about:
If you enjoyed this episode and want more from Justin, you can find him at Blaney.app. Thanks for listening and don’t forget to share and subscribe. See you next week! Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment | |||
| 22 Jan 2023 | Ep 225: The Hidden Benefits of Joy and Fun | 00:28:16 | |
We’re sitting down with Catherine Price, author of The Power of Fun, to talk about the overlooked benefits of having fun! Catherine defines the true meaning of fun, explains why we tend to undervalue it, and gives practical tips for how to bring more fun to ourselves and our families. Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation. Full show notes Do you remember the last time you had fun? Maybe you were exploring a new place, playing a video game or even just laughing with your friends. What did it feel like? Did it help you relieve stress and add joy to your day? We often consider fun irrelevant, or view it as a waste of time, but it can be an essential part of survival. Having fun is not only good for our mood, but actually improves our physical health, lowering our cortisol and helping us balance our hormones. Teaching kids the importance of fun can help them live happier, healthier lives as they head into adulthood. To understand how we can pass the value of fun onto our kids, we’re talking to Catherine Price, author of The Power of Fun. Catherine is an award-winning science journalist and speaker whose work has been featured in Time Magazine, O Magazine, the Los Angeles Times, and more. The New York Times even dubbed her the Marie Kondo of minds! In our interview, we’re talking about the definition of true fun, why we often undervalue fun in our society, and what practical steps we can take to bring more fun to ourselves and our families. How Fun Keeps Us Happy And Healthy Fun is often misunderstood, explains Catherine. We tend to think of any relaxing or non-work activity as “fun” when in reality these activities don’t always meet the requirements. Catherine explains that fun consists of three core elements: Playfulness, connectivity and flow. Playfulness doesn't necessarily refer to childlike behavior, but simply requires us to do something for the sake of doing it without putting too much emphasis on the outcome. Connectivity refers to sharing an experience with another person, and flow means being so invested in whatever we’re doing that we lose track of time. When we experience playfulness, connectivity and flow all at once, that means we’re experiencing true fun, says Catherine. This is different from what Catherine describes as “fake fun”, which often includes binge-watching TV shows or scrolling through social media apps. These activities are designed to keep us hooked by hijacking our dopamine reward systems, but don’t actually equate to true fun. Catherine dives deeper into the phenomenon of fake fun in the episode. There is also some middle ground between fun and non-fun, she explains. Relaxing, solitary activities like going on a long walk, taking a bath or doing a puzzle are still essential to our wellbeing and should be prioritized, but they don’t meet the requirements for being true fun. Some activities include connectivity without flow, or playfulness without connectivity. Although these kinds of experiences aren’t true fun, they’re still beneficial and add value to our lives, Catherine explains. In order to fit more true fun into our lives, however, we have to start realizing its value. Catherine and I discuss how fun is often considered a waste of time and how we can start prioritizing fun again.
As teens get older, we typically start telling them it’s time to get more serious. We pressure them to look towards results–better SAT scores, college acceptances, athletic achievements–and stop encouraging them to simply have fun and explore. While teens need to work towards becoming independent, they’ve also got to remember to keep fun as a part of their lives, Catherine says. Catherine explains that we often forget to value fun because it doesn’t necessarily equate to making money. She breaks down a timeline for when fun stopped being valued in society, around the time of the industrial revolution. Before this period, professions were valued for their ability to reach an outcome–a cobbler made shoes, a butcher prepared meat, and a blacksmith forged metal. But when our modern industrial systems were established, people stopped creating an outcome on their own, and became cogs in a machine to contribute to an outcome along a line of production. Today, this same pattern emerges, and it means that we don’t have a clear endpoint to stop working and start having fun. There’s endless work to do, and if we’re having fun instead of doing it, society tells us to feel guilty, says Catherine. To combat this, Catherine prompts us to start adding fun to our lives and encouraging our family to do the same. In the episode, we're discussing practical ways to bring more fun to your home.
We all have natural inclinations about how to have fun, but it can also help to take a practical approach, Catherine says. She suggests that we have our teens complete a “fun audit” in which they evaluate and make note of the things in their life that bring the most fun. Catherine calls these forces “fun-magnets”, and they could be a person, place, or thing. Maybe your teen’s most powerful fun-magnet is the basketball court, or perhaps it’s their lifelong best friend. Many people think these fun-magnets need to be expensive or outside of daily life. In reality, they can be a part of our day-to-day routine, and can even be incorporated into traditionally “un-fun” environments like work, Catheirne explains. Sometimes, your fun magnets might not align with those of your partner or kids, and that can be challenging, Catherine says. In our interview, she explains how she and her husband enjoy very different things, and can’t always compromise when it comes to having fun! This doesn't mean you have to give up your fun-magnets, however, and Catherine and I discuss how to preserve your own version of fun even when someone disagrees or can’t relate. Although family might not agree on every activity, there’s likely some common ground between everyone. Finding experiences that are fun for everyone and doing them together can be a great way to add joy to our lives, as well as create connections with our kids.
There’s plenty of great insights in today’s talk with Catherine! On top of the topics discussed above, we also talk about:
Thanks for listening! If you want to find more from Catherine, you can find more from her on her website, Catherineprice.com. Don’t forget to share and subscribe, and we’ll see you next week! Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation. | |||
| 19 Apr 2020 | Ep 81: Creating Genius | 00:26:30 | |
Janice Kaplan, NYT Bestselling author, most recently of The Genius of Women, discusses why 90% of the population thinks only men can be geniuses. Janice and Andy cover what we can talk to and teach our girls about to empower them at a time when we need more geniuses than ever! Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation. Full show notes If your daughter was a brilliant pianist—as good as Mozart, say—wouldn’t you want her to share her talent? Of course you would! You’d pay for lessons, organize recitals, and help her blossom into the artist she was born to be. Imagine the wasted potential of not motivating your teenage daughter, or leading her to believe she was supposed to be doing something else. It’d be heartbreaking. Still, this is exactly what happened to Nannerle Mozart, who was told to go home to be married in her teenage years instead of following in her brother’s footsteps. Fortunately, something like this would probably not happen in the 21st Century. However, the sad truth is there are still innumerable obstacles facing women of all ages, from toddlers to teens, that are almost too subliminal to notice. The stigmatized expectations of women are internalized by girls at a very tender age, and without the proper guidance from parents, these perceptions can seriously hurt girls’ self esteem! They might even give up on their dreams and settle for whatever they’re told is “right” for them. There are very few geniuses in the world, but the fact that so few women geniuses are recognized points to a deep-seated bias against women at large. To better understand how parents can protect their daughters from this bias as well as educate their sons as to make all teens wiser on gender inequality, I spoke with Janice Kaplan, author and co-author of fifteen different books, including The Genius of Women: From Overlooked to Changing the World. In this book, Kaplan dissects what it means to be a “genius” and why it is that women are often overlooked in the running. Her takeaways are a great starting place if you’re looking for ways of motivating your teenage daughteror talking to your son about these issues so he can better understand the cultural influences that shape gender inequality. I asked Janice what inspired her to write a book championing the female capacity for genius. In her answer, Janice cited an eye-opening poll in which people were asked to name some well known geniuses––but almost none could name a female genius. The results of the poll showed that 90% of people only mentioned men as examples of geniuses, and the only woman people recognized as a genius was Marie Curie. Why can’t people recall the names of more brilliant females? Are they inherently sexist? Of course not. It’s more complicated than that, says Janice. There are a lot of social factors that add up to create this unbalanced reality, this world in which only men are thought to be capable of genius. It’s not that women aren’t talented, but instead that they are rarely encouraged, recognized or challenged––causing them to fall short of their worth. We know that you prioritize motivating your teenage daughter, but unfortunately, the world doesn’t always do the same. Why We Can’t Seem to Name Many Female Geniuses Everyone knows the saying, “If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?” The question causes us to ponder: if we don’t know about something, does it ever actually happen? Janis says this question can be applied to women’s accomplishments––if women are extremely smart and talented but no one talks about their contributions, will their genius ever be recognized? Will this make motivating your teenage daughter even harder? In order to answer this question about motivating your teenage daughter, Janis shares a definition of “genius” which is rather thought provoking. She defines genius as “extraordinary talent, plus celebrity.” This doesn’t mean a celebrity like Kim Kardashian or Paris Hilton, but instead someone whose work is widely recognized and respected. For example, does the name Katherine Johnson ring a bell? Probably not! Although her name does not live in infamy, Johnson was a brilliant mathematician whose orbital calculations were critical for the first crewed NASA space flights. Unlike, say, Albert Einstein, Johnson is not a household name. This is largely because in the 60s, and throughout history, black women like Johnson have rarely been celebrated for their accomplishments, relegated instead to the background. When asked to name a genius, you can’t recall someone you’ve never heard of! No wonder motivating your teenage daughter, there aren’t enough known female geniuses. In the episode, Janis dives into the stories of several female geniuses whose names you probably don’t know! Make sure to listen so that if someone asks you to name a genius, you’ll be able to recall the names of these brilliant women instead of allowing them to live on in obscurity. How We Hinder Women From Reaching Their Potential On top of not being recognized, many brilliant females are not given the encouragement to build on their talents. This is not a result of explicit sexism––we would never tell girls they can’t be doctors––but instead through small, cultural nudges that suggest women should stick to more traditional expectations. If most of the doctors a young girl sees on TV are male, motivating your teenage daughter will be more challenging since she’s not going to believe that it’s possible for her to establish herself as a medical professional. There are lots of small, indirect ways that these messages towards women are transmitted. Society often hyper-analyzes the way women look, constantly making them feel as though their appearance is the source of their worth. Meanwhile, men rarely face this kind of scrutiny, and are instead evaluated on their academic or athletic achievements. There’s also a lot of differences between the kinds of after school programs we offer to boys and those we offer to girls. For example, Boy Scouts encourages boys to camp, build, and explore...while Girl Scouts is motivating your teenage daughter to cook and sew. Although these forces don’t directly tell women that they aren’t as capable as men, they teach women not to aspire quite so highly. Motivating your teenage daughter is made harder when they are told to remain in the boxes they are placed. They make women feel, often subconsciously, as though it’s wiser to have less ambition since they’ll never be able to compete with men. Talking to Kids About Gender The unfortunate reality about motivating your teenager daughter is that kids are taught to have these beliefs about gender, not born with them. In our conversation, Janis discusses a study that demonstrates this. When young kids were brought into the labs at Princeton and shown pictures of both a man and a woman, they were asked to identify which one was a genius. Their choices shocked researchers and might surprise you too when you listen to the episode. Janis p... | |||
| 03 Nov 2019 | Ep 57: Your Teen on Power | 00:25:06 | |
Erin Clabough joins us for a discussion on the importance of giving teens the right amount of power...and making sure they know how to use it! Instilling a value of empathy is key to making sure teens wield power fairly. And how do you do that? Erin says bribing is an option! Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation. Full show notes Your Punk Kid Do you ever have moments where you look at your teen and think “Wow, sometimes you can be a total jerk.” While you love them, sometimes they do things that are so vile, you wonder if they are even your kid! Maybe when teaching teens responsibility, your kid becomes a complete tyrant with even the smallest bit of power. All you did was tell your teen they’re in charge of dropping off their sibling at school and suddenly, they fly into a rage if their sibling is even a minute late walking out the door. As a parent, you want to be teaching teens responsibility without giving them free reign to take advantage of you at every turn. When they ask you permission to do fun things, you genuinely want to say yes more often than no, but if you give them an inch, they’re certainly going to take a mile. This is one of the biggest fears that comes with teaching teens responsibility. Your teen thinks that because you said they can go on a weekend trip with their boyfriend, it’s ok for them to come home from his house at 2am on any given weekend. Or because you let your teen borrow your nice new car once, they’re allowed to start offering rides to their friends all the time. When teaching teens responsibility, parents should focus on helping their kid learn to take charge and be a leader while also maintaining respect and empathy for others. Obviously this is a hard task. Simultaneously encouraging teens to be assertive and patient requires a level of restraint that most teenagers might not have. For example, you want them to advocate for themselves when their voice isn’t being heard but not demand too much and come off as difficult. So how do you go about teaching teens responsibility in regards to balancing their power? In today’s episode, I discuss this with Erin Clabough, PhD. She is a neurologist, professor, and the author of Second Nature: How Parents Can Use Neuroscience to Help Kids Develop Empathy, Creativity, and Self-Control. Dr. Clabough has written articles for Psychology Today, Mind Body Green, and Today Parenting about how an understanding of neuroscience can help parents teach their teens how to balance authority with empathy. Don’t be Spineless! Before authoring her first book on teaching teens responsibility, Dr. Clabough was working in a neurology lab studying the spines found within neurons inside the brain. While observing how neurotransmitters in spines connect each individual neuron together by passing signals between them using synapses, she had a realization. She could use this process of passing signals between neurons in spines as a model for parenting. Dr. Clabough explains how the spines adapt to experiences going on in their external environment. Positive experiences that bring about happy emotions enable a spine to create new connections, or synapses, between neurons in the brain. In a human, this could be exemplified by a child growing up with parents who are supportive and accepting. The love from their parents creates a comfortable environment for the child to grow up in and therefore promotes healthy brain development. On the other hand, traumatizing or damaging experiences can stunt brain growth. For example, a child whose parents went through a rocky divorce may have stunted brain growth because this event made them feel uncomfortable in the environment they were growing up in. During the time of the divorce, the lack of stability resulting from parents who refuse to have a civil relationship can rob a child of the gratification they need to develop new synapses in the brain. Dr. Clabough decided that the concept of her book would be how parents can use the idea of healthy experiences influencing healthy brain development as a metaphor for encouraging positive behavior and teaching teens responsibility. She explains that the process of synapses forming between neurons could be used as a metaphor for positive moments that occur in your teen’s life being a bridge for them to develop new skills. These moments can be as simple as your teen deciding to spend time with their grandparents instead of going to a party they’ve been excited about for two weeks. Or your teen inviting someone who’s sitting alone to eat lunch with their friends at school. Dr. Clabough emphasizes that parents need to savor these moments and continually commend their teens for making these mature decisions even when they don’t have to. This parental affirmation encourages teens to continually display generosity, which helps them grow into more well-rounded people. Giving Them the Power Parents must recognize that teens want control and the only effective way of teaching teens responsibility is to give it to them. But that doesn’t mean they should always be in control. For families with multiple kids, Dr. Clabough recognizes that the oldest child is often given more power than the others because they are seen as the mature one and therefore take on a somewhat parental role towards the other siblings. However, she says it’s extremely important to monitor power amongst your kids. If the oldest gets too accustomed to taking charge, they may develop a large ego or be unwilling to let another sibling ever make decisions for the group. So when you’re traveling together as a family, try asking the middle child where you should all go to lunch. Or when you’re going to the movies, ask the youngest what film you should see. This lets your kid know that it’s ok to take the lead as long as you’re also letting other people have their turn to be in charge. When teaching teens responsibility by giving their sibling the ability to choose, there will be times when a controlling first born will say “no fair, I got to choose the movie last time!” Or the youngest might say “Just because he’s the oldest doesn’t mean he gets to boss us around!” If your kids put up a fight when control is taken away from them, Dr. Clabough offers suggestions for diffusing the situation in this episode. Dr. Clabough acknowledges that a desire for power exists not only in the home, it’s also a large part of teenage culture. Social hierarchies form in high school because of teens’ desires for power and influence—which is all rooted in the need for dopamine. Everyone seeks dopamine highs but teenagers in particular have a stronger need for it. When teaching teens responsibility, parents must not discourage their teen’s needs but instead make sure the dopamine rushes they seek are healthy. For example, it’s okay for them to want to be on top, like if they are awarded prom queen or voted most likely to succeed in the school yearbook. But these momentary feelings of power and influence need to be balanced with times when they let others take the spotlight. Experiencing what it's like to be a winner and what it’s like to be on the sideli... | |||
| 02 May 2021 | Ep 136: Teens Versus Automation | 00:22:07 | |
Kevin Roose, author of Futureproof, speaks with us about what AI and automation means for the future of humans--and how to speak with teens to prepare them to remain relevant in the information age. Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation. Full show notes Our kids are heading into a new era–one full of self driving cars, automated grocery shopping and endless social media. They’re growing up surrounded by technology, and these gizmos and gadgets only become more prevalent every year. It’s nice to imagine a future where robots do all the work and we humans sit back with our feet up–but it’s also scary to imagine a world so controlled by computers that our kids might just lose their humanity! It’s understandable to be worried about your teen coming of age in this environment. They’re entering a job market where employment opportunities are slowly being eradicated by automation. People like travel agents and bankers have been forced to watch as their jobs are taken by iphone apps and digital kiosks. Not only that, but the constant digital stimulation of iPhones, laptops and tablets is rearranging teens’ brains on a molecular level, inhibiting their social skills, productivity and sense of reality! It’s frightening how much control technology has over all of us, especially growing teens. So how can we prepare young people for a future full of tech and automation? Kevin Roose, our guest today, asked himself that same question a few years ago. He decided to dive into research about humanity’s growing dependence on technology, and then put his findings into a book. It’s called Futureproof: 9 Rules for Humans in the Age of Automation. In it, he reveals how the key to surviving in the world of robots is not to become more robotic ourselves but instead, become more human. In our interview, Kevin and I get into every question you might have about how AI is changing society. We address the concerns you may be having about your kid’s job prospects in this future full of automation and algorithms. He also explains how you can help teens use their phones to learn, create and connect with others instead of just scrolling mindlessly through Tik Tok. The Skills that Separate Us From Robots We know that automation is taking away jobs that historically belonged to humans, but surprisingly, most people seem to think their own employment is safe. When surveyed, three quarters of people said they thought that artificial intelligence would cause people to lose work, but only about a quarter thought they were at risk of losing their own job. Kevin believes we are all far too overconfident. In the episode, he explains how AI is capable of all sorts of tasks beyond what we might imagine. Even journalists and artists, he explains, are at risk of losing work to AI. So how can we prepare kids for this new job market? Some people believe we need to behave more like robots: become more efficient, logical, precise and accurate. But Kevin disagrees. He believes that to stay afloat in this brave new world, we’ll have to dive deeper into the things that make us distinctly human. When giving young people advice about what to major in to find success in the age of automation, he often tells them it doesn’t matter as much as they think. Kevin expresses how important it is for young adults to actually develop their collaboration and communication skills along with whatever craft they choose to pursue. Their mathematical expertise can easily be met by a computer, but their kindness and empathy cannot. When they find their job taken by AI, their unique human attributes will remain–and these are what will help them find their footing in the job market again. In our interview, Kevin also introduces the fascinating idea of combinatorial creativity: the ability to take knowledge and experience regarding one subject, and transfer it to another. This allows us to find innovative, outside-the-box solutions to problems. Humans are great at this, while robots are not. That’s why Kevin suggests that teens branch out to multiple interests instead of just specializing in one thing. This versatility allows them to maximize their combinatorial creativity, and use their natural intelligence in a way that AI can’t. There’s more challenges to growing up in a technology saturated world than fearing unemployment. Kevin and I also talk about why teenage obsession with screen time isn’t the healthiest, and how we can help teens make the most of technology instead of letting it dominate their lives. Taking Control of our Tech Habits Every day, Kevin allots sixty minutes for what he calls his “human hour.” For the entire hour, he puts his phone away and goes on a run, reads a book, or does anything else that makes him feel human. Kevin began doing this because he felt his phone was beginning to control him, and he wanted to gain that control back. He even went on a thirty day phone detox, and wrote an article about it. The article was wildly popular, causing Kevin to realize just how many people feel like their devices dictate their life. Kevin explains that this is not an accident. Companies who create the apps we use put a lot of effort toward making their products addicting. They spend billions of dollars to ensure that we get sucked in and can’t stop using. Kevin describes it as “a supercomputer pointed at your head”....and that’s what it can feel like! It’s frustrating because our devices are supposed to help us be efficient and connect with others, not make us go crazy. That’s why Kevin suggests that teens (and parents) should schedule some time away from phones to reset. He describes how, after his detox, he was more productive and social. If you can, help teens find time when they can set aside their devices and go for a walk, or play the guitar or talk to a friend. They might resist, but it can be a great way for them to break free from the grip of Netflix and Instagram and get some peace of mind. We’ll never get kids to really ditch their devices, however, Kevin and I discuss how you can help teens use their phones to be creative, network and learn new things. It’s easy to limit kids’ screen time, but Kevin thinks that’s not enough. We also need to be mindful of how they’re using their devices. Are they just staring mindlessly at the screen, playing endless games of Candy Crush? Or are they socializing with their friends, building websites and reading about current events? In our interview, Kevin points to the difference between passive use and active use, and how teens can use tech as a tool for growth. In the Episode…. Kevin and I have fascinating discussions in this episode about the intersection between human and artificial intelligence. On top of the topics mentioned above, we cover:
Although a future full of tech can feel frightening, there are ways humans can remain relevant! The interview with Kevin was thought-provoking and I think listeners may find themselves thinking about how to raise kids that are future-proof. Thanks for listening, and don’t forget to s... | |||
| 18 Dec 2022 | Ep 221: The Forgotten Power of Friendship | 00:28:24 | |
Marisa Franco, author of Platonic, discusses how society devalues friendship in favor of romantic relationships—and the power of re-prioritizing friendship. Plus, how to turn a stranger into a friend, and harness emotional management for healthier, more meaningful companionship. Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation. Full show notes We often place our romantic relationships above all else–just look how many new dating apps are invented every year! We pledge to love each other until death does us part, assuming that our perfect soulmate might be the only person we’ll ever need. And although love, marriage and the baby carriage can bring us plenty of joy, we sometimes forget about a tried-and-true source of support and kindness–friendship. Unfortunately, we often treat friendship as secondary, when we should be doing the opposite. Our friendships tend to outlast those romantic relationships…even when we thought that love was forever. Plus, having strong friendships has been linked to higher self-esteem, greater levels of empathy, and an overall increase in quality of life. This especially true for teens, who are still learning how to forge strong relationships of all kinds. So how can we encourage teens to make more friends? We’re asking Marisa Franco, author of Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make—and Keep—Friends. Marisa is a professor at the University of Maryland who writes regularly for Psychology Today. She’s also been featured in media outlets like the New York Times, NPR, and Good Morning America! In our interview, Marisa and I are talking about why our culture stopped valuing friendship–and why we need to start prioritizing our friends again. We also discuss tips and tricks for making new friends, and how traits like authenticity and vulnerability can lead to deeper, more satisfying friendships. Why Friendship is Powerful When two people become romantically linked, we typically describe them as being “more than friends.” This implies that romantic love is at the top of the hierarchy, and often reinforces the idea that romantic or sexual love is the only kind of love that makes us “worthy,” says Marisa. But friendship can be an incredible and bountiful form of love, and one we shouldn’t neglect, she explains. In the episode, we discuss why platonic love became stigmatized as homophobia grew in society, until romantic love became the only acceptable alternative. Marisa explains that friendship also has benefits beyond just giving us someone to talk to. Having friendships in childhood and adolescence has been linked to higher levels of empathy, morality, and self consciousness in adult life. Companionship with others helps teens expand their understanding of the world and pick up new interests and hobbies. Making a friend who likes to golf might encourage teens to try golfing–and the same goes for skiing, chess, or any other activity! Friends can also increase teens’ feelings of safety and security, even when it comes to physical threats, Marisa explains. Researchers found that when people have friends nearby, they describe possible dangers–like an impending shooter or even a steep hill–as significantly less frightening. This can be a double-edged sword for teenagers, however, as being with a group of peers can embolden them to partake in certain risky behaviors. In the episode, Marisa and I explain how teens can harness the power of friendship for good instead of getting into trouble. Having friends is great, but some teens have trouble getting to know their peers. In our interview, Marisa shares some great advice for teens who are struggling to connect with others.
We typically don’t try to “force” friendships with strangers…we’d prefer it to just happen naturally! But very few friendships actually happen naturally, Marisa says. Most of the time, one or both parties have to be intentional about creating the friendship, as well as maintaining it. Oftentimes, there’s one person within a group who initiates friendships with the others, a person whom Marisa calls “the igniter.” Marisa explains that we should encourage teens to be igniters, and create new friendships wherever they can. Not only will this lead them to have a wider circle, but it gives them the chance to control the dynamic of their social settings by being the “connector.” Step one is usually talking to strangers, however, something most of us would rather avoid doing. Marisa encourages teens, adults, and everyone in between to approach strangers for a conversation, and simply assume that people will respond positively! In the episode, she breaks down some research that indicates that those who assume they’ll be liked by strangers come across much more confident and have a higher chance of making friends. We also tend to bond with people to whom we are repeatedly exposed, says Marisa. School, work and hobbies are where most people form connections to others, simple from just being around one another. For this reason, Marisa encourages us to sign our kids up for plenty of extracurriculars, so that they’re in the same room with certain peers over and over. Making friends is one thing, but keeping them is another! In the episode, Marisa is explaining how we can form stronger, more durable bonds by being vulnerable and authentic.
If we want sturdy and intimate connections to others, we have to be vulnerable with them, says Marisa. Sometimes we suppress our feelings and refuse to admit when we need someone to lean on–but this holds us back from having the close, satisfying friendships we desire, Marisa explains. If we’re not showing our friends we’re in pain, how will they know that we’re hurting? This is especially true for young men, who are often taught to hold their emotions in. When boys feel like they can’t share their struggles with friends, they find themselves facing tough situations without a support system. This emotional suppression among men and boys as been proven to increase rates of mental illness, suicidal ideation and even harmful physical health conditions. To help boys express their emotions, Marisa says that fathers need to model emotional vulnerability. Boys are bound to look towards male role models for how to behave, and will take positive cues from fathers who talk about their feelings or even go to therapy! Authenticity is also an important part of forming lasting friendships, and it often comes with emotional management, Marisa explains. Those who are uncomfortable with feelings like jealousy tend to take out their feelings on friends by being petty or fake, says Marisa. She encourages teens to be “mindful, not primal,” by paying attention to and handling their emotions without forcing them onto others. In the Episode… There’s so much great advice in this episode that you won’t want to miss! On top of the topics discussed above, we also talk about:
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| 25 Feb 2024 | Ep 280: The Surprising Power of Hanging Out | 00:19:04 | |
Sheila Liming, author of Hanging Out: The Radical Power of Killing Time, explores the underestimated value of unstructured social time for teens, discussing why it's essential for developing negotiation skills, setting boundaries, and fostering creativity. Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation. Full Show Notes: In today's fast-paced world, parents often worry about their teenagers' productivity and safety. The idea of teens "just hanging out" can induce anxiety, conjuring images of wasted time or potential mischief. Yet, these unstructured moments play a critical role in adolescents' development, offering unique opportunities for learning and growth unattainable in more structured settings. Our guest, Sheila Liming, brings a fresh perspective on the art of hanging out. An accomplished teacher, essayist, and author, Sheila has extensively explored the complex dynamics of social interactions and their impact on individual development. Her book, Hanging Out: The Radical Power of Killing Time, challenges prevailing notions of productivity, suggesting that these seemingly idle moments are foundational to shaping character and interpersonal skills. The Value of Unstructured Time Sheila argues that hanging out offers teens essential lessons in negotiation, boundary setting, and improvisation. Away from adult supervision and structured activities, teens learn to navigate social dynamics, make collective decisions, and, crucially, understand their own limits. This episode delves into why fostering these skills is crucial for their transition into adulthood. Overcoming the Stigma of Idle Time The common view of idle time as inherently unproductive overlooks its potential to strengthen relationships and community bonds. Sheila and host Andy Earle discuss how parents can reframe their understanding of what it means for teens to spend time together without a set agenda. They touch on the historical context of hanging out and how digital interactions compare with face-to-face gatherings. Embracing Risk and Flexibility One of Sheila's key messages is the importance of embracing risk and being open to the unpredictable nature of social interactions. For teens, navigating this uncertainty is vital for emotional development. The conversation covers practical ways for parents to encourage their teens to engage in healthy social experimentation while maintaining safety and trust. Making Time for Connection In our busy lives, making room for genuine connections can be challenging. Sheila shares insights into why dedicating time to hang out—both for teens and adults—is more crucial than ever. She offers tips on how parents can model healthy social behavior and create opportunities for meaningful family interactions. Episode Highlights
Amid a culture obsessed with productivity and screen time, encouraging teens to engage in the simple act of hanging out might seem counterintuitive. Yet, as Sheila Liming articulates, these moments are irreplaceable workshops for life's most valuable lessons. Tune in to learn how to support your teen in making the most of their social opportunities. Don't miss out on this enlightening conversation—subscribe to Talking to Teens to stay updated on insightful discussions aimed at making the journey of parenting teens a bit smoother. Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation. | |||
| 20 Mar 2022 | Ep 182: Tips for Tackling “The Talk” | 00:24:48 | |
Andrea Brand, author of Stop Sweating & Start Talking, shine slight on why sex talks are so essential, and what we can do to make them less awkward. Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation. Full show notes For centuries, parents all over the world have been plagued by the sex talk. How could we possibly cover all the intricacies and complications of fornication with our teens? And even if we’re able to sit teens down for “the talk”, they aren’t exactly excited to get into an awkward discussion about the birds and the bees. As soon as you start talking about body parts, teens run the other way or cover their ears.…and you’re left wondering if the two of you will ever be able to talk to about sex! As difficult as it is to have these discussions, they are essential to teens' physical and mental health. Kids are going to be interested in sex regardless, and if they dont learn about it from you, they’ll turn to the internet. And while the web can have some educational info, it also houses plenty of dark and disturbing content that can lead kids to develop harmful ideas about consent and sexual violence. If we want to help kids form a healthy relationship to their sexuality, we’ve got to step in sooner rather than later…. and have that dreaded sex talk. To get some much-needed advice on navigating “the talk” , we’re sitting down with Andrea Brand, author of Stop Sweating & Start Talking: How to Make Sex Chats with Your Kids Easier Than You Think. Andrea has decades of experience working in public health and as a research consultant, and now has a career as a sex educator! Today, she’s giving us some innovative tips for making “the talk” less painful and more effective! In our interview, we’re getting into why it’s so essential to have these talks…and why it’s so dang hard! Plus, Andrea tells us how we can form community groups for teens to learn about sexuality, and what we can do to ensure a sex talk goes smoothly. Why Sex Chats Are So Stigmatized If things were ideal, kids would get a decent sexual education at school–but that’s not what’s happening, says Andrea. Although federal U.S. guidelines suggest that schools have sex education programs, only thirty states actually require sex ed to be taught–and only fifteen states require these classes to be medically accurate! And even the schools who do pay attention to medical facts often have a curriculum that’s out of date, with no regard for current research, Andrea explains. `So we can’t rely on schools to give our kids comprehensive info about sexuality…where are they going to get the education they need? Andrea explains that if we don’t want these lessons to come from random internet searches, they’ll have to come from parents. By surveying parents from all over, Andrea found that most want to have these talks, but are too embarrassed! Andrea explains that a lot of this is generational–if our parents were too uncomfortable talking to us about sex, we often feel uneasy about discussing it with our own kids. In the episode, Andrea and I talk about how we can break this generational cycle. If we can work up the confidence to have these conversations, it can be a great way to share values with our kids. Sex talks include discussions about consent, relationships, and self esteem–all of which are important to talk about even independent of intercourse! Andrea encourages parents to consider their own values, and how they can pass these on to kids who are still forming ideas about what sexual relationships look like. Having one-on-one conversations can be incredibly valuable, but talking in groups can be helpful as well! In the episode, Andrea and I explain how you can get your teen involved in a community sex education group.
Andrea believes that talking to others in the same age group can be a transformative way for teens to learn about sex! This kind of community, formed around sex and body discussions, isn’t particularly common–but Andrea says it can be remarkably powerful. These kinds of groups can be part of a wider organization, like the regional “OWL” program of the Unitarian Universalist church. They can also be found online or, as Andrea recommends, you can form your own! Now, starting a group for teens to discuss sexuality doesn’t sound easy. But after forming one herself, Andrea believes anyone can do it! She explains that with an informal setting and some basic resources, these groups can be formed without too much of a challenge. If you want to find success, Andrea suggests being deliberate about who is in the group–hers contains teens who already knew one another, none of whom are her own children! Although the group began was formed to discuss sex, it soon grew beyond that. Andrea explains that the group expanded to talk about the many challenges of adolescent life–from school and overbearing parents, to body image and worries about the future. By participating as though she was just another member of the group, Andrea was able to forge trust among everyone involved, and create a safe space to discuss anything and everything. Whether it’s one-on-one or in a group, a lot can happen over the course of the conversation about the birds and the bees. Andrea provides some pointers for handling the tricky discussion. Tips for Tackling “The Talk” To really provide proper sex education to kids, Andrea recommends having many talks over the course of your kid’s life. Instead of one long conversation, short, casual discussions can feel a lot more accessible to a teen. The earlier you can start, the better, says Andrea. She recommends starting as soon as kids develop basic language skills–although it’s never too late! The conversation could come from anywhere, whether it’s a scene in a TV show or a lyric in a song on the radio. One way to ensure that teens are up to maintaining this dialogue is by not being too reactive, says Andrea. If you freak out or make a teen feel ashamed of their questions, they aren’t likely to come to you again for advice. If a teen says something that triggers you, Andrea recommends taking some time away from the conversation so that you don’t lose your cool. As long as you circle back to the topic eventually, it’s better to pause and process than explode and violate teens’ trust. Andrea suggests letting kids know upfront when a topic is challenging for you. By being open and vulnerable, you’re allowing them to do the same, she explains. Kids might have opinions about sex that are different from yours, but Andrea believes that disagreement can be a good thing. If you can have open communication despite differing viewpoints, you can broaden each other’s perspectives while teaching kids that it’s ok to respectfully disagree with someone. In the Episode…. It was so enlightening to speak with Andrea today about how we can handle the perils of the sex talk. In our interview, we also discuss:
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| 02 Feb 2025 | Ep 324: Teen Crushes, Relationships, and Growth | 00:24:47 | |
Lisa A. Phillips, author of First Love: Guiding Teens Through Relationships and Heartbreak, joins us to discuss the complexities of teenage love, including the effects on parents, navigating breakups, and the significance of early romantic experiences. Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation. Full Show Notes Adolescence is a time of self-discovery, and first forays into love play a crucial role in shaping future relationships. Yet, teenage love can be dismissed as fleeting and inconsequential by adults who overlook its developmental importance. While crushes and early heartbreaks may seem minor, they prepare teens for the complex emotional landscapes they will navigate as adults. Understanding and supporting teens in their romantic ventures is essential, not only for their growth but also to foster open dialogue between parents and their children. This episode features Lisa A. Phillips, writer and professor, who explores these themes in her book, First Love: Guiding Teens Through Relationships and Heartbreak. Lisa's perspective arises from her experience as a mother navigating her daughter's early romantic relationships and her professional background in mental health and relationship writing. Her insights offer valuable guidance for parents striving to connect with their teens during these formative years. In our conversation, Lisa shares how parents' emotions can unexpectedly be stirred by their teens' romantic experiences. Research by psychologist Lawrence Steinberg suggests that parents might revisit unresolved feelings from their own youth, which can impact the way they perceive their teen's experiences. This emotional upheaval underscores the importance of parents addressing their own past to better support their teen's present. The Role of Crushes An early discussion focuses on the significance of crushes as developmental milestones. These seemingly one-sided infatuations can provide a safe space for teenagers to explore complex emotions. Lisa explains how parents can use this phase as an opportunity to discuss feelings and expectations, helping teens differentiate between fantasy and reality in relationships. By engaging in these discussions, parents can help teens develop a nuanced understanding of mutuality and respect in their romantic lives. Communicating About Love Despite the challenges, Lisa emphasizes the importance of proactively engaging in conversations about love and relationships with teenagers. Studies have shown that a significant number of young adults wish they had received more guidance from their parents about the emotional aspects of dating. Lisa encourages parents to talk with their teens about their romantic feelings, even when teens seem indifferent to these discussions. These conversations can instill a sense of value in relationships and showcase the importance of thoughtful reflection. Tackling Situationships Lisa introduces the concept of "situationships"—relationships that are ambiguous and undefined—to highlight a common experience among modern teens. She provides guidance on how parents can help teens navigate these complex scenarios by encouraging them to consider their feelings before, during, and after interactions. This process can lead to greater self-awareness and empower teens to make choices better aligned with their well-being. In the Episode... Throughout the episode, Lisa and I cover an array of topics related to teen love, including:
Explore these insights and more by tuning into the episode. Don’t forget to share and subscribe, and stay tuned for future episodes of Talking to Teens. Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation. | |||
| 12 Jan 2025 | Ep 321: Tips for Teenage People Pleasing | 00:25:22 | |
Amy Wilson, author of Happy to Help, joins us to discuss the complexities of people pleasing, her personal journey of overcoming it, and strategies for teaching teens to listen to their own voice and set healthy boundaries. Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation. Full Show Notes As parents, we want to raise teens who are confident, grounded in their values, and capable of standing up for themselves—even when it's difficult. Yet in a world that often rewards people-pleasing behavior, teaching our teens to cultivate authenticity can be a tricky endeavor. From a young age, many individuals are socialized to put others' needs before their own, ignore their inner voice, and aim to please. The challenge for caregivers lies in guiding teenagers to embrace their own desires and make decisions based on their personal truths, even when faced with societal pressures to conform. This is the backdrop of today's discussion, as we delve into the nuances of people pleasing and the importance of empowering teens to connect with their inner voices. Our guest, Amy Wilson, an actor, writer, podcaster, and author of Happy to Help: Adventures of a People Pleaser, shares her journey from an eighth-grade people pleaser to a conscious parent teaching her children the value of self-advocacy. Amy brings a wealth of experience, not only from her own life but from hosting the podcast What Fresh Hell: Laughing in the Face of Motherhood.
The Consequences of Over-Reminding One common struggle shared by parents is the habitual reminder—a seemingly well-intentioned effort to guide teens through their obligations can sometimes backfire. When reminders become incessant, teenagers may develop resistance or rely on their parents for motivation, detracting from their sense of responsibility and autonomy. Amy openly discusses her own struggles and how she has navigated this territory with her children, offering valuable insights on striking a balance between gentle guidance and fostering independence. Eighth Grade Diaries and Emotional Intensity Amy also takes us on a nostalgic journey through her eighth-grade diary entries, which she uses as a lens to explore adolescent self-awareness and emotional experiences. This segment highlights the significance of strong emotions and first-time experiences during young adolescence, encouraging parents to validate their teens' feelings while providing the perspective that comes with age and maturity. Tackling Perfectionism and Gender Expectations A notable theme in Amy's discussion is perfectionism, specifically the concept of socially prescribed perfectionism imposed by societal standards. This pressure is particularly pertinent to the expectations placed on women and girls, and Amy eloquently addresses how parents can combat these external pressures by reinforcing their teens' intrinsic worth and personal boundaries. As we explore these themes, Amy shares anecdotes from her experiences—both personal and as a parent—alongside actionable strategies for helping teenagers honor their authentic selves. In the Episode… Join the conversation as we uncover:
Amy Wilson's episode is a deep dive into the realm of people pleasing and the crucial skills parents can foster to help teens lead authentic, self-assured lives. Tune in to share some laughs and gain insights that bridge the gap between generational boundaries. Don't forget to subscribe for more enlightening conversations on Talking to Teens! Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation. | |||
| 14 Mar 2021 | Ep 129: Struggling Teen? Learning Music Might Be The Answer... | 00:33:55 | |
Dr. Anita Collins, music educator and author of The Music Advantage, explains the surprising and long-lasting positive effects of music on the teen brain. Your teen doesn’t have to be a prodigy to benefit from picking up an instrument! Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation. Full show notes If you feel like your child isn’t living up to their full potential because they get distracted too easily or lose focus of their own goals, just imagine how hard it will be for them to complete important tasks as adults when their responsibilities lie outside of their personal interests. Today, teens have so much going on in their lives that it can be difficult to commit to tasks that they’re not particularly passionate about: maintaining good grades for college admissions, managing chores, and consistently showing up for work. Fortunately, there are ways to help your teen develop discipline in their life. It’s great if your teen has a personal hobby that helps them develop a routine. Activities like sports, scouting, and working on art are all great ways to inspire your teen to regularly follow up with their interests. However, as they begin to take on more time-consuming responsibilities, some of their hobbies might fall to the wayside, and they can start to falter in keeping up with more mundane, yet necessary tasks. Teens that haven’t practiced discipline might start to take detrimental shortcuts on homework when the assignment is too difficult or delay submitting applications when they can’t rely on pure interest. If this behavior continues to develop into a pattern, teens may find themselves without the stamina to sustain themselves through higher education or when they enter the workforce. That’s exactly what I talk about in this week’s podcast episode with Dr. Anita Collins, author of her new book, The Music Advantage: How Music Helps Your Child Develop, Learn, and Thrive. Dr. Collins serves as an award-winning educator, researcher, and writer in the field of brain development and music learning at both the University of Canberra and the University of Melbourne. She’s also written one of the most watched Ted education films ever made, “How Playing an Instrument Benefits Your Brain,” and conducted research about how practicing an instrument can help young adults implement lasting changes in their brain, making her exactly the right person to talk to about developing discipline for teens. Self-Discipline That Lasts In our interview, we talk about Dr. Collins’ neurological approach to helping teens develop discipline through music. While you’ll have to tune in to the full podcast to hear the extent of her research, one aspect of playing an instrument that helps teens develop discipline on a neurological level is practice. Perhaps the most apparent link between developing decision-making skills and playing an instrument is the dedication required to master one. But before we get into how practicing a musical instrument can help change your teenager’s brain structure, it’s important for you to know that it is in fact possible to get your teen to stick to their goals, pick up their trombone, and, well ... practice! Throughout the years that Dr. Collin’s has worked with teens and young adults, she’s gathered a few tactics that parents can use to help motivate their children to consistently pick up their instruments:
This is how your teen establishes habits that allow them to maintain a routine even after they stop playing their instrument. Because they’ve had experience with negative consequences from failing to practice, increasingly positive payoff from adhering to long-term development, and managing time commitment among their other responsibilities, teens will be able to convert responsibility into habit through practice. The Neurology of Learning an Instrument But wait, how is it that playing an instrument is going to help your teenager stay focused on other tasks? Just because they’ve practiced playing an instrument, it doesn’t mean they’re going to be able to stay focused when doing their homework, right? One is loud and noisy and takes your full concentration, whereas the other is an internal process. We... | |||
| 03 Nov 2024 | Ep 313: The Hidden Curriculum of Parenting | 00:24:20 | |
Nate Hilger, author of The Parent Trap, explores the complex expectations placed on parents, the importance of skill-building over mere test scores, and how societal changes could improve outcomes for all children, including shifts away from zero-sum thinking in education. Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation. Full Show Notes Parenting in the modern world can often feel like an insurmountable challenge, compounded by pressures to not only care for our children but also groom them into successful, independent adults. The journey to nurturing well-rounded human beings involves an intricate web of skills that many parents are unaware they're even supposed to be weaving. Love and care are crucial, but they alone do not provide the full spectrum of skills teens need to flourish in the world. Enter Nate Hilger, an economist and data scientist whose insights have graced the pages of The New York Times and The Washington Post. His pioneering work focuses on the origins of success in children and highlights how parents can better navigate the landscape of skill-building. In his enlightening book, The Parent Trap, Nate challenges conventional ideals of what it means to parent effectively. He's joining us this week to delve into how society’s expectations of parents are often both unrealistic and misaligned with actual child development. The Parenting Trap Uncovered Nate identifies three primary manifestations of the "parent trap": unrealistic expectations, a lack of language to describe these expectations without blame, and the political underrepresentation of parents. He contends that society places an undue burden on parents, expecting them to be both nurturers and skilled educators without the necessary support. This disproportionate pressure often results in a cycle where lower-income parents, despite their deep love for their children, cannot provide the same developmental advantages as wealthier parents. The book draws on historical insights, such as studies from the mid-20th century where better early learning environments significantly bolstered long-term outcomes for children, underscoring the immense power of environment over innate ability. Nate argues for a societal shift to focus on skill-building, a universal challenge often misguidedly associated with parental 'failures.' Rethinking Zero-Sum Parenting Among the important revelations Nate shares is the myth of zero-sum parenting—the idea that one child's success equates to another's failure. This notion fuels hyper-competitive behaviors and focus on elite university admissions, wrongly overshadowing the more expansive benefits of creating successful and healthy communities. Nate suggests that a collaborative approach in raising competent, capable youth benefits everyone—an uplifting shift away from isolating views about limited resources and opportunities. Improving Education Outcomes Highlighting groundbreaking research with renowned economist Raj Chetty, Nate reveals how the quality of early educational experiences, such as kindergarten teaching, has long-lasting impacts on a child's financial success. Innovations like smaller classroom sizes and teacher effectiveness often yield returns many parents don’t fully realize and should advocate for more universally. Unfortunately, income alone does not resolve the disparities in access to quality educational resources. Investing in Professional Development Rather than saddling parents with the impossible task of mastering every skill their child might need, Nate proposes broader access to professional resources. He discusses what he learned from attending courses designed for struggling parents, arguing that while these programs can offer valuable insights, they often overwhelm rather than assist, emphasizing that professional support for children's development is critical. In the Episode... Nate presents a compelling argument for rethinking societal and parental roles in education. We also discuss:
Nate's insights challenge fundamental assumptions about parenting while offering practical solutions to improve the social landscape for nurturing successful generations. To learn more, keep an eye out for Nate's Substack, "Kidding Around," where he continues to explore these pivotal ideas. If you found this discussion impactful, make sure to subscribe and follow along for more episodes tackling the art and science of parenting teenagers. Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation. | |||
| 02 Apr 2023 | Ep 235: The Hidden Power of High Sensitivity | 00:26:36 | |
Jenn Granneman, author of Sensitive, chats with us about recognizing and connecting with our highly sensitive teens. We cover how to help sensitive teens better manage feelings of overwhelm and the right way to nudge them beyond their comfort zone. Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation. Full show notes It can be difficult for parents to see their teen struggling with sensitivity. They may feel frustrated or helpless, not knowing how to help their child. It can also be difficult for them to relate to their child's experience if they themselves are more extroverted and don't fully understand what it's like to be shy or introverted. Children who are sensitive may be at higher risk for anxiety and depression, and may struggle with social skills throughout their lives if they don't receive proper support. It's important for parents to help their child build confidence and develop social skills, not just for their immediate well-being but for their long-term success and happiness. To understand more about this topic, we spoke with Jenn Granneman, co-author of the book Sensitive: The Hidden Power of the Highly Sensitive Person in a Loud, Fast, Too-Much World, and founder of Introvert, Dear, a website and community for introverts. Jenn is an introvert herself and has struggled with shyness and social anxiety throughout her life. She has dedicated her career to helping other introverts embrace their true selves and thrive in a world that can sometimes feel overwhelming to them.
To better understand shyness and introversion, Jenn Granneman explains the difference between the two. While shyness is a fear of social judgment, introversion is a preference for solitude and reflection. Jenn notes that shyness is often seen as a negative trait, but she argues that it is simply a personality trait like any other. However, shyness can lead to negative consequences such as missing out on opportunities and feeling isolated. Introversion, on the other hand, is often misunderstood as being shy, but it is not the same thing. Introverts can be confident and social, but they simply prefer to spend time alone or in small groups. Jenn notes that society often values extroversion over introversion, which can lead to introverts feeling like they don't fit in or are not as valued. Jenn emphasizes that shyness and introversion are not things that need to be "fixed" or "cured." Rather, it's important to understand and accept these traits in ourselves and others. By doing so, we can create a more inclusive and understanding society. To help parents understand their shy or introverted children, Jenn suggests paying attention to their child's behavior and respecting their boundaries. She notes that introverted children may need more alone time to recharge, while shy children may need more encouragement and support to face their fears.
Supporting a sensitive child can be challenging, but there are ways to help them thrive. By validating your child's feelings, creating a safe environment, teaching coping strategies, and seeking outside support when needed, parents can help their sensitive children thrive and lead fulfilling lives. First, it's important to validate their feelings and let them know it's okay to be sensitive. This can help them feel accepted and understood, which can boost their confidence. Creating a safe and comfortable environment at home is also crucial. Sensory-sensitive children may need a quiet space to relax, while socially-sensitive children may benefit from smaller social settings. It's important to respect your child's boundaries and not force them to do things that make them uncomfortable. Parents can also help their sensitive children develop coping strategies, such as deep breathing, visualization, and positive self-talk. Encouraging creative outlets, such as art or writing, can also be helpful for self-expression. Finally, it's important to seek outside support when necessary. A therapist or counselor can work with your child to develop coping mechanisms and build self-esteem, while support groups can provide a community of like-minded individuals who can offer advice and encouragement.
I learned so much from my conversation with Jenn, and as an introvert I came away from our conversation with a better idea of my own needs as well as those of sensitive teens. In our conversation we also discuss:
If you enjoyed Jenn’s contributions as much as I, you can find her on social media as well as her two websites, Introvert Dear and Sensitive Refuge. Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation. | |||
| 19 Feb 2023 | Ep 229: The Blame Game | 00:30:39 | |
Denis Murphy, author of The Blame Game, joins us to discuss the ways we often blame ourselves or our kids for things we can’t control. We also discuss the importance of staying in touch with our emotions and practicing self-honesty. Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation. Full show notes Blame is one of humanity’s oldest coping mechanisms. When things go wrong, we’re quick to point a finger at someone and declare that it’s their fault–creating war, political division, and heartbreak as a result. Not to mention that half the time we’re pointing the finger at ourselves, which typically only leads to self-loathing and insecurity. The truth is, blaming someone or something for our issues isn’t going to make them go away. If we really want to confront our problems, heal our traumas and live better we’ve got to stop blaming and start accepting. This week, we’re talking to Denis Murphy, author of The Blame Game: How to Recover from the World's Oldest Addiction. Denis is a coach and healer who’s worked with companies, families and individuals all over the world. His practices focus on helping people stop blaming themselves or others for misfortune in their life, and instead learn to harness their mental and physical wellness to create the life they want. In our interview, we’re talking about why parental expectations can lead us to blame kids when things go wrong. We also discuss how suppressing our negative thoughts can cause mental and even physical pain, and break down the importance of self honesty. The Blame Game One overarching cause of blame is labels, explains Denis. When we attach labels to people like “boss,” “mom,” “best friend, or “boyfriend,” we’re also attaching expectations to go with them. These expectations rarely come from reality, but instead from TV, Hollywood, or other people’s families, says Denis. When people inevitably fail to live up to our unrealistic expectations, we get upset, and blame them for not behaving exactly as we hoped. This is often the cause of family disputes, Denis explains. We want kids to behave in a way that meets our expectations of who kids are supposed to be, and they want us to act like the perfect parents. Of course, this doesn’t happen, and both parents and kids feel mutual disappointment in the other. And although it might seem like we’re frustrated with our kids, what we’re actually upset about is the label, Denis says. In the episode, Denis and I also talk about physical and emotional stress, and how it plays a role in familial blame. When we’re coming home from a long day of work and we’ve spent the whole day keeping a lid on our emotions, we’re bound to boil over and start blaming kids for anything that goes wrong. It becomes a cycle Denis says, with our stress multiplying and our blaming habits growing as a result. Things don’t have to be this way, however. In the episode, Denis and I are talking about how we can start to work through and accept our negative feelings instead of playing the blame game.
One of the most common ways we deal with life’s disappointments is by blaming ourselves. Denis explains that this practice is often encouraged by those who preach self-discipline or self-improvement. We’re taught not to be a victim, not to let life walk all over us, and to power through every obstacle without flinching. But if we don’t face our feelings, we’ll end up exhausted and burnt out, Denis says. This is especially true for teens who might be overwhelmed with the stress of approaching adult life and managing the expectations of adolescence. Instead of burying our negative thoughts and emotions, Denis encourages us to be in touch with them. As he explains in the episode, our thoughts help us figure out where our physical body is holding anxiety, fear and stress. If we can observe the ways these thoughts manifest themselves in our physical being, we can take the first steps towards healing our mental and even physical ailments. In the episode, Denis explains how mental and emotional anguish can sometimes even cause us to injure ourselves! Accepting our thoughts instead of judging them is important if we want to reach inner peace. Denis explains. In our interview, we talk about how nature exists without blame, unapologetically changing with the seasons. If we want the same sense of peaceful acceptance for ourselves, we’ve got to start with being aware of our thoughts and emotions–and this goes for both parents and teens. To truly be in touch with our feelings, we’ve got to be honest with ourselves. In the episode, Denis and I are breaking down all the ways self-honesty can change your life. How to Practice Self-Honesty Being honest with ourselves about every thought and emotion is not easy, says Denis. It’s much easier to control or avoid what we feel! As we go through life, we’re constantly suppressing our emotions, so much so that many of us stay in bad marriages, become addicted to substances, or do other extreme things simply to cope. As we do this, we create a gap between the person we’re living as and the one we truly are. If we want to bridge that gap, Denis says, we have to start being honest with ourselves. Denis explains how this often manifests itself in our ability to cope with rejection. When we find ourselves turned down by a possible employer, for example, we tend to pivot to self-blame, telling ourselves we weren’t good enough, weren’t smart enough, or just didn’t try hard enough to get the job. But usually none of this is true, he says. The real truth? We didn’t actually want the job! Although we might object and say the job really was important to us, most of the time we actually just wanted the money, Denis says, and our hearts were never in it. Parents sometimes struggle with this self-honesty, and end up using blame to cope instead, Denis says. We want to be perfect parents and when something goes wrong, we don’t want to deal with emotions like shame or disappointment. Instead, we blame our kids or ourselves, which only leads to an emotional wedge between us and them. Denis talks more about how parents can harness self-honesty to heal their relationships with kids in our interview!
Denis and I cover lots of fascinating information about healing, blame and self-honesty in this week’s interview. On top of the topics discussed above, we also talk about:
If you enjoyed this week’s episode, you can find more from Denis at denisliammurphy.com or on Instagram @denisliammurphy. Thanks for listening, and don’t forget to share and subscribe. We’ll see you next week! Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation. | |||
| 16 Feb 2020 | Ep 72: Know-It-All Teens | 00:26:59 | |
Dr. Steven Sloman, co-author of The Knowledge Illusion and professor at Brown University, joins Andy for a conversation on knowledge, making deliberate decisions, and how to talk to your teen about the gaps in their knowledge around things like vaping. Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation. Full show notes “Mom! Dad! Shut up! You don’t know what you’re talking about!” Have you ever heard these words fly out of the mouth of your teenager? If there were a remote control for a parent’s behavior, these words would probably be the equivalent of the “Volume Up” button. Why do these words sting so much? Well, press the “Pause” button and consider this: Your teenagers might be right. You might not know what you’re talking about. What’s frustrating, though, is that your teens probably don't know what they’re talking about either! But what even were you “talking” about? Let’s take the hot-button topic for example: teens and vaping. Is vaping bad for teens? Your gut instinct might be to say, “Yes! Of course it is!” But can you explain why? Can you describe how their lungs are absorbing this vapor and how their brains are reacting to the chemicals? If you tell your teen that vaping is bad, but can’t explain why, then you might just be told: “You don’t know what you’re talking about! Shut up!” Knowledge on a topic like teens and vaping might seem peripheral. If you are concerned about your teens and vaping, you won’t change their behavior by claiming knowledge you don’t have. So what can you do? You can’t be expected to know everything about every subject of controversy! To get some ideas, I spoke with knowledge expert, Dr. Steven Sloman. Dr. Sloman is a leading researcher on the human mind, a professor at Brown University, and co-author of The Knowledge Illusion: Why We Never Think Alone. He’s an expert on how humans think, and he has one or two ideas on how to work with teens who think they know everything. His book isn’t specifically about teens, but it touches on prevalent issues during the teen years. I was eager to ask Dr. Sloman about human thinking during the teenage years, and how parents might apply his wisdom to issues like teens and vaping. The Illusion of Explanatory Depth Parents of teens might be very familiar with the Illusion of Explanatory Depth, even if they’ve never heard of it before. It is the illusion that people understand something when in fact they don’t. Dr. Sloman cites a Yale study in which people were asked to rate their knowledge of everyday objects. The subjects were presented zippers, toilets, and pens, and asked how well they thought they understood how each one worked. The data shows all the subjects felt pretty confident in their understanding of such everyday objects. But this illusion was burst when the researchers asked the subjects to explain how those objects worked in as much detail as possible! As it turned out, the subjects didn’t really have much to say. When the researchers asked the subjects to rate themselves a second time on how well they knew those objects, they lowered their rating. This demonstrates the Illusion of Explanatory Depth, that people think they know more than they really do. So this isn’t really a teen problem, or even a problem linked to teens and vaping. It’s a people problem. Still, the Illusion of Explanatory Depth seems to show up a lot during the teenage years. Your teen might yell, “You don’t know what you’re talking about,” but the Illusion of Explanatory Depth suggests your teen doesn’t know what they’re talking about, either. In fact, they’re more unaware than you of how much they’re living in an illusion. How might we go about addressing issues of teens and vaping? Why Would Anyone Live in an Illusion? In order to address the illusion of knowledge in teens, Dr. Sloman first asks: “Why would anybody live in this illusion of understanding?” He proposes that we live this way because we fail to distinguish what we know from what other people know. You think you understand how the toilet works because there’s a plumber who understands how the toilet works. You have access to the plumber’s knowledge, but the knowledge is sitting in the plumber’s head, not in yours. Dr. Sloman explains that the reason we have this illusion is because, in a sense, we do understand! It’s not every individual that understands, but the collective communities that understand. And communities can succeed when everyone has specialized knowledge to share. Who Do You Trust? Every day we are taking advantage of other peoples’ knowledge. As long as we can use our toilet, we don’t need to know how the toilet works. Our lack of understanding doesn’t matter until the toilet brakes. Then we realize how dependent we are on the plumber. This subconscious dependency on other people creates an interesting scenario for teenagers. Teens are caught in a high stakes decision where they have to choose which community they’re going to go along with and rely on for knowledge. They’re wondering what they should believe, how they should behave, and who they should hang around with. Dr. Sloman points out that all these identity questions will shape how teens experience the illusion of knowledge. Since teens have so much curiosity, what they choose to believe quickly becomes a question of: Who do I trust? Whose ideas am I going to accept? Exposing the Illusion Dr. Sloman explains that we make decisions by virtue of the fact that people around us are also making decisions. For example, the best predictor of whether or not someone will give up vaping is whether or not their spouse has given up vaping. When discussing teens and vaping, Dr. Sloman points out that oftentimes kids pick up the habit from their peers. So simply exposing your teen’s illusion of knowledge won’t be enough to convince them to stop. In a way, it’s most effective to convince the whole group on the issues of teens and vaping, so it’s best to operate at the social level. On an issue like teens and vaping it’s even harder to convince a teen to quit because the research on vaping is somewhat inconclusive. You can ask teens to explain how vaping works, like in the study at Yale, but you might get a mixed bag of results. If you sit down with kids who vape and ask them how it works, you might easily expose their lack of understanding. They might say, “Well, you fill it up here, you press the button here, and it tastes like bubblegum.” You can press them for further explanation on all three of those steps. Even if they seem super confident in their knowledge, a barrage of follow-up questions will quickly expose how little they know about the device and what’s in it. You can get them to doubt how much they know about vaping, and this is good! By breaking attachments they have to their preexisting understanding of teens and vaping, discussing the topic feels le... | |||
| 08 Dec 2019 | Ep 62: Avoiding Negative Cultural Influences | 00:27:29 | |
Mike Adamick, author of Raising Empowered Daughters, shares his insights on avoiding negative cultural narratives to raise strong girls. And how we raise boys is an important piece of the puzzle too. Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation. Full show notes As parents, we want our kids to grow up with a sense of equality. We want them to know that both boys and girls are capable of greatness, that regardless of their gender, they’re free to follow their wildest dreams. That’s why it’s frustrating when we see sexist attitudes or gender inequality perpetuated by major retailers or movie franchises. It can feel like there’s little you can do as a parent to protect your kid from these potentially harmful ideas. We want to steer our teens clear of these influences, but it’s tough to find ways of avoiding negative cultural narratives about gender. Even outside of our modern media, troublesome ideas about gender can be found in our daily lives, amongst our friends and neighbors. They’re buried within phrases like “boys will be boys”, hidden behind casual remarks about women’s bodies, present in small ways in our conversations at the office or around the dinner table. Sexist ideas pass under our noses every day, often without attracting attention— even though they definitely should! Our guest today is Mike Adamick, the author of Raising Empowered Daughters: a Dad to Dad Guide. Mike is here to talk to us about avoiding negative cultural narratives about gender that may be affecting our kids, and how we can make small, but important changes within our communities and social circles. As a stay-at-home dad and the father of a daughter, Mike knows what it’s like to tackle parenthood head on. He was inspired to write a book about avoiding negative cultural narratives when he found himself getting angrier and angrier over the hurtful messages he saw targeted at his daughter and other young girls. He wanted parents to understand these cultural forces and their effects, but he also wanted to share ways that we can fight against sexism in our everyday lives, to make the world a better, more equal place for young people. Cultural Attitudes Mike provides many examples of how damaging cultural messages about gender are being spread to young people. These ideas can be sensed in movies, marketing, retail--in more places than you’d expect! He talks specifically about clothing: how many large clothing chains offer very different products for boys and girls, and how these products send strong messages to young people about who they’re supposed to be based on their gender. For example, Mike points out that clothes for boys are usually roomy and contain exciting slogans and images, encouraging males to be active and pursue their dreams. Girls, on the other hand, are often sold tight fitting clothing that restricts their movement, with much less exciting pictures and messages. This disparity in available wardrobe is a signal to girls that they don’t have the same freedoms as boys, that they are meant to look nice, to be satisfied with less ambition. If we take a look at popular culture, it’s not hard to find inequality there as well. Mike talks about the promotional materials for the recent release of The Force Awakens, the much buzzed about, long awaited seventh installment in the Star Wars saga. Mike was excited to show his daughter the first released picture of the film’s cast, knowing that there would be a female heroine. Upon viewing the photo, however, Mike was ot excited but appalled by the gender imbalance in the photo. Although the main character was female, the photo was otherwise entirely filled with male characters. This frustrated Mike. He wants to live in a world where his daughter can see tons of tough women on screen, working together to battle evil, instead of just one token female character in an otherwise male dominated universe. It sometimes seems as if there’s no way of avoiding negative cultural narratives like these. Unfortunately, we don’t really have the ability to call up the CEO of Disney or H&M and demand a widespread change. All hope is not lost, however. Mike talks about how we can act locally. He describes changes we can implement in our homes and communities, to help stop harmful messages about gender from gaining traction so that our kids can grow up knowing that equality matters. Making Change In Your Inner Circle Although it may seem insignificant to try to talk about avoiding negative cultural narratives with your small circle of friends and neighbors, these efforts can have a rippling effect. Spreading positive messages in your own community can be the beginning of creating major change. Avoiding negative cultural narratives can be difficult when certain gender ideals have heavily infiltrated our society. One pervading cultural idea that Mike really dislikes is the notion of “boys will be boys.” This term generally implies that the actions that boys take are not “their fault”-- but just a result of biology. It implies that males are inherently violent or disrespectful, and therefore can’t be blamed for acting out of line. To Mike, this represents the crazy double standard we have when it comes to raising children of different genders. It spreads the message that men and boys can do whatever they like, without being held accountable! It also harms men and boys by placing them under pressure to meet certain cultural constructs about masculinity and what it means to be a “man.” It portrays manhood as being impervious to social rules, being rude and disrespectful, taking what you want without consideration for others. Mike believes that not just avoiding negative cultural narratives but reframing them are necessary, especially when it comes to ones that enable inappropriate behavior. To do this, we need to think about the way we talk to others about stereotypes. When it comes to talking to our friends and neighbors, objecting to these cultural stereotypes can help us create a healthier, more positive environment for our growing teens. Say you’re at a barbecue with your neighbors, and you overhear someone excusing their son’s bad behavior, saying “boys will be boys.” Although it may be awkward to interject, consider speaking up and against this idea, asking why it seems so easy to use this phrase and waive consequences for young boys. Your friends and neighbors might not be used to challenging these notions, but by encouraging discussion on these ideas, you can work on avoiding negative cultural narratives in your community. Bringing the Conversation Home Although it’s good to spread the idea of avoiding negative cultural narratives to your friends, talking to our own kids is just as important. Teenagers are subject to many cultural influences on a daily basis, so it’s important to help them decode the messages they receive from outside sources about gender roles. For example, the other side of the “boys will be boys” idea is a cultural implication that girls are delicate, polite and well mannered. This can be harmful to girls because it restricts them from expressing all the rage, passion, and excite... | |||
| 13 Jun 2021 | Ep 142: Good Troublemakers | 00:25:19 | |
Dr. Charlan Nemeth, author of In Defense of Troublemakers, shares her decades of research on underdogs and dissenters with Andy. Turns out troublemakers have hidden superpowers that can make them top-notch critical thinkers and persuaders! Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation. Full show notes With so much fake news flying around on social media and the internet becoming more and more politically polarizing each day, it’s easy to be worried about whether or not our teens can think for themselves. On top of online influences, teens are also susceptible to pressure from their peers in real life, who threaten to paint them as outcasts if they hold a minority opinion. With all these forces against us, raising independent thinkers with their own opinions, values, and moral codes is not easy. To make matters even more challenging, psychological studies inform us that humans are fundamentally wired to abandon our own thoughts and observations to conform to majority opinion. Not only that, but we tend to only associate with those who agree with us–keeping us from questioning our assumptions and challenging our own perspectives. If we want to raise teens with strong critical thinking skills, it might be time to teach them the value of disagreeing with others. That’s why we’re sitting down With Charlan Nemeth this week. Charlan is the author of In Defense of Troublemakers: the Power of Dissent in Life and Business, as well as a professor of psychology at the University of California Berkeley. After working as researcher and consultant specializing in influence and decision making, Charlan has become an expert on the ways dissent can be a powerful force in changing the world. In our interview, Charlan and I discuss how even one dissenter can deeply influence the way a group of people approaches an issue. We also talk about why it can be so hard for teens to present dissenting opinions to their peers, and what parents can do to raise kids who are unafraid to disagree with the majority. Why Dissent is So Valuable When we think of a “dissenting opinion”, we may think of someone boldly defying all odds to speak their truth, instantly changing the minds of all who hear! But as Charlan explains in the episode, the effects of dissent can be much more subtle. A dissenter isn’t necessarily going to sway everyone’s opinion...and maybe they shouldn’t. But what dissenters can do, says Charlan, is force us to think outside of the box. When someone is bold enough to defy the opinion of the surrounding herd, they push those around them to question their own reality. They aren’t going to gain everyone’s support right away, and might even find themselves an outcast. But, undeniably, they’ll have an effect on the group, says Charlan. It might not be public, or immediate, but it will rear its head sooner or later. Those who conform to the majority are likely to find themselves questioning their perspective down the line, as a result of even just one dissenting opinion! Too often kids are raised in “bubbles”, and aren’t exposed to any people with opinions that go against their own, says Charlan. Because of this, their minds narrow to only take in evidence that correlates to what they already believe. When faced with divergent opinions, they might be resistant, but will eventually find themselves liberated by the freedom to expand their own consciousness, Charlan explains. And if they open up their minds to the dissenting viewpoints of others, they’ll be open to presenting disagreeable opinions of their own later on. But for teens, exploring ideas that don’t conform to the majority is pretty hard! The social world of teenagerhood places a lot of pressure on teens to not only look, dress, and speak like everyone else–but think like them as well. Why Teens Struggle To Swim Against the Current Holding a minority viewpoint is hard for a lot of reasons. The first obstacle to believing something outside the majority is questioning yourself. As Charlan and I discuss in the episode, humans are undeniably inclined to trust the majority view over our own, even denying our own senses! When a group of individuals were told that their entire peer group saw a blue object as green, they chose to categorize it as green, even though objective evidence suggested otherwise. For teens, dissenting is made even more difficult by social pressures, Charlan explains. All humans fear rejection, but no one cowers from it more than the modern teen. Fighting for their place in the brutal social hierarchy of high school, teenagers are remarkably likely to side with the majority, to avoid becoming outcasts. Not only that, but teens tend to group with those who agree with them, only reinforcing the viewpoints they already hold. In the episode, Charlan and I talk about how becoming a dissenter can give kids a strong sense of independence. When they learn to challenge common perspectives, they start to understand that those who live a life of conformity often find themselves unhappy. When they find the courage to define their own beliefs, they can discover that they are capable of influencing others. They might even learn that it’s ok to be different! Raising teens who can think critically is clearly important...so how can parents help teens see the value of dissenting even when it’s difficult? Empowering Teens to Think For Themselves When it comes to teaching kids to be open minded, Charlan emphasizes the importance of coming from a place of understanding, not authority. She believes that modelling, instead of preaching, is the key to helping kids shed their fear of voicing minority views. Telling kids to think critically is not going to get you anywhere. Instead, Charlan encourages you to show your kid, through action, how valuable it is to challenge majority opinions. Interestingly, she suggests notifying kids when you find yourself at odds with the perspective their friends’ keep. Peer groups tend to keep kids rooted in one mindset, so parents can play an essential role in pushing kids to think differently, says Charlan. She stresses the importance of understanding that your kid will likely not agree with you. They are their own individuals, with unique experiences and values that may not align with yours. Instead of being heavy-handed, Charlan advises encouraging them to come to their own judgements. This models open-minded behavior! In the end, Charlan believes what really matters is empowering kids to be their authentic selves. While dissent can be provocative, it rarely causes any ripples if those dissenting aren’t coming from a place of honesty. Beyond just rocking the boat, teaching kids to speak their truth is what will help them to really change the world. As a parent, being unafraid to express your honest opinions with your child will not only help them question their own perspective , but shows them that they don’t have to be afraid to see things differently. In the Episode… Charlan and I discuss a broad range of interesting research in this week’s episode! In addition to the topics above, we also cover:
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| 12 Jan 2020 | Ep 67: The Hidden Secrets of Teenage Success | 00:27:52 | |
Jessica Lahey, author of The Gift of Failure and storied educator, shares the secrets of what makes teens successful in academics, at home, and in the world. If your teen does fail, Lahey knows where to look to find the silver lining. Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation. Full show notes Picture the scene: your teen sends you a frantic message from school, telling you that they left an important piece of weekly vocab homework behind. You walk to their room, check their desk, and immediately spot their homework sitting off to the side of their desk, buried under an empty glass of water and their video game system. What is the right thing to do in this situation?
This is no easy dilemma for a parent to solve, and an even greater question is how to improve your life as a teenager to not make these mistakes. On one hand, you would allow your child to fail by not bringing their work to them. On the other hand, is it totally right to fix every problem for you child? The idea of failure so often challenges the deepest motivations of a person, and how one responds to failure is a defining aspect of character. Improvement from failure demonstrates a person’s fortitude and drive for success. Culturally, the idea of failure for children has been sometimes rejected by parents, as one of the core goals of parenthood is to raise your child to be successful. The mentality of “my kids are always right” can be exemplified as a parent meeting with their kid’s teacher in order to advocate for their child’s work, replacing a bad grade with one that the parent deems appropriate. How to improve your life as a teenager is a problem that I’ve had on my mind lately. We all know that failure is human because nobody is perfect. But how do we help teens learn how to improve your life as a teenager through failure? Failure has been on my mind because children who, say, always forget their homework but have Mom or Dad to save the day never learn the lesson of forgetting their homework. The lesson parents are telling their children is that they will always have someone to cover for their mistakes. This is not how to improve your life as a teenager. How is it possible for children and teens to improve into the best version of themselves if they are never forced to confront failure even once in their lives? With me this week on Talking to Teens is Jessica Lahey. Jessica is an astounding woman who has taught for years in middle school and high school, written the New York Times parent-teacher advice column, the Atlantic and Washington Post. Her book, The Gift of Failure, is a NYT bestseller and can be found in bookstores across the world, from Argentina to the United States and everywhere in between. Jessica is an expert on the idea of failure and how it should be used by parents to encourage teens on how to improve your life as a teenager, and I am so excited to have her with me this week! Solving the Dilemma The product of steering kids away from failure makes them unable to cope with the idea of failure, and therefore are unable to find an angle to improve from their failure. By coincidence, Jessica had encountered the same conundrum of whether or not she should bring her child’s homework to school for them. Jessica was going to her son’s school that day for an unrelated reason, but she was faced with the dilemma of bringing her son’s homework to school, or leave it at home and force him to confront his mistake? Jessica decided to leave her son’s work at home, reasoning that she wanted to give him the chance to prove that he could adapt to his mistakes and learn how to improve your life as a teenager. When her son came home that day, he had already spent some time thinking about what had happened with his teacher. He told Jessica that he wanted to create a checklist so that he could practice remembering his homework every day. For the past couple years, Jessica’s son has made a checklist every year for the things he needs before he goes to school. This is a perfect demonstration of the positive learning and improvement that can arise from situations when teens are forced to confront the idea of failure. Moments of failure can be some of the strongest lessons for parents to use because the way teens respond to adversary is a core function of a human being. By being placed into situations where teens will be forced to confront their shortcomings, they will be able to learn how to improve your life as a teenager. For this reason, it is important that parents don’t maintain the façade of perfection with their children. Identifying Failure as Growth It could be difficult for a parent to understand how to improve your life as a teenager and when they can use failure as a moment to grow. One example of how to use a moment for growth is when your teen doesn’t complete a chore in the right manner. As a parent, your impulse might be to redo the chore in a manner that you are satisfied with, but this overrides the potential for your teen to grow in the situation. A good method to demonstrate how to improve your life as a teenager would be to bring your kid back in to the situation and explain to them why you aren’t satisfied with their chore. Asking them to fix the chore so that its done in an efficient and productive manner gives your child the chance to learn from their mistakes and practice methods to remember how to do it properly when they are asked again. Doing things right the first time can save teens a lifetime of stress. Additionally, it is good to remember that teens are teens, and nobody is perfect! They are still developing all the time, and it should be easy to forgive your young adult if they do make a mistake. Feeling afraid to fail is not how to improve your life as a teenager. Sometimes teens will totally forget how to load the dishwasher correctly, or where the broom is kept in the house. Forgiveness for instances of forgetfulness is a wonderful skill to assist parents when teaching their children failure. Kids become more and more competent with each passing day, and to expect them to be completely perfect is absurd. They’re absolutely better at emptying the dishwasher today than they were a year ago. Keeping a mindset over long-term growth can help parents be more comfortable in teaching failure, because you know that teens are always improving. In addition to how to improve your life as a teenager, Jessica and I discuss…
Thank you so much for tuning in! I hope that you have been able to take away some of this wonderful information Jessica Lahey shared about how to improve your life as a teenager. If you’re interested in learning more tips from Jessica on the art of failure, check out her book The Gift of Failure, available wherever books are sold. Have a great day! Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder tr... | |||
| 04 Sep 2022 | Ep 206: Building Character and Self-Awareness in Teens | 00:25:31 | |
Scott Barry Kaufman, author of Transcend and Wired to Create, joins our show to explain how we can help teens on their journey to self-awareness. Scott and I talk about healthy self-esteem, goal-setting, creativity, and more. Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation. Full show notes Figuring out who we are takes a lifetime. In our teens, we might think we’re destined to become a doctor…only to find out that med school isn’t for us. We might believe we’ve found our perfect match in our twenties, but then discover that there’s other fish in the sea. We might even experience a mid-life crisis and become an entirely new person at age fifty! Identity and self-awareness are complicated and different for everyone. To teenagers, however, it can feel like adult life is rapidly approaching….meaning they’ve got to figure it all out right away! They might rush into a college major, a relationship, or a big relocation when they’re not fully ready. It can be hard to know what you want for the rest of your life when you’ve only been alive for 18 years! This week we’re talking about identity, awareness and self- actualization, so we can help kids slow down and embrace the process of finding themselves. We’re joined by Scott Barry Kaufman, author of Transcend: The New Science of Self-Actualization. Scott is a humanistic psychologist who has taught at Columbia, the University of Pennsylvania and New York University. He writes the regular column “Beautiful Minds” in the Scientific American and hosts The Psychology Podcast, which has over 10 million downloads! His work has appeared in The Atlantic, Harvard Business Review, and Business Insider. He’s here to help us define self-actualization–and how our teens can harness it for a happier life. In our interview, we’re discussing how we can guide kids to develop healthy confidence, define their life’s goals, and access their creativity to discover who they truly are. Confidence Vs. Narcissism Self-esteem can be complicated, Scott explains. While it’s definitely possible for teens to have a healthy sense of confidence in who they are, there’s also the possibility of narcissism. And although we often think of narcissists as loud, attention-hogging types, there are also quiet, unassuming narcissists, who keep their self-obsession in their internal thoughts and close relationships, he explains. Scott and I talk more about the difference between these two types of narcissists in the episode–but neither type is healthy or a sign of self awareness, Scott says. To help our kids develop healthy self esteem instead of narcissistic tendencies, we’ve got to treat them with compassion…but not too much! Scott explains that we shouldn't tell kids they are “the best” or teach them to compare themselves to others. Instead, Scott says we should remind kids that they are intrinsically valuable simply for existing. Instead of making them feel like high achievers, we should simply strive for them to feel like they are enough, he says. In the episode, we also talk about how kids can have healthy selfishness as well. This means they set proper boundaries with others for their own well-being, have a stable school/life balance, and generally just take care of themselves. People often give away too much time and energy to others, Scott says, and not necessarily in an altruistic way. Sometimes people can develop a certain kind of narcissistic complex that’s fed by helping others, but only in pursuit of their own egos, he explains. In our interview, we discuss how some of the worst behavior in human history has been declared “for the greater good”, despite being destructive and even inhumane. So teens have a healthy sense of self-confidence…but where are they going to direct it? Scott and I also talk about how teens can figure out their life’s purpose. Setting Growth-Oriented Goals Teens love to set lofty goals, but they’re not always realistic…or what teens really want. Many teens strive to be famous on the internet, he says, but this goal often fails to help teens grow and self actualize. Scott advises that teens stay true to themselves when deciding what to do with their lives, and evaluate their strengths and deeper spiritual needs when planning out their latest ambition! He also recommends that parents sit down status-obsessed kids and help them reorient their goals towards personal and spiritual growth. Scott describes something that he calls a crystallizing experience–an affirming experience which helps us realize exactly what we want to do with ourselves for the rest of our life. Some teens are lucky enough to have this moment when they’re still young, but some don’t have it until later in life. Scott explains that it could happen any time, and even more than once! Our identities continue to grow and change, so teens shouldn’t feel pressure to have it all figured out right away. In our interview, Scott and I have an interesting discussion about hope in the face of rejection. While some animals have been researched and shown to experience a natural sense of hopelessness, humans retain the ability to remain resilient. While the sting of rejection is strong, Scott explains that teens can use both their sense of purpose and strategic minds to persevere. In the episode he explains the strategy he used as a teenger to get into the college of his dreams–despite being rejected. One important trait kids can strive to develop is creativity! Scott and I are discussing how we can work to foster creativity among our teens.
There are a lot of surprising ways we can help teens be more creative, including letting them daydream! Scott explains that when teens are zoning out, they’re giving their conscious, focused minds a break and entering the world of creative thinking. By turning off their productivity, they’re able to access originality! He believes that if we want to raise teens who think outside the box, we should give teens scheduled time in the day to day dream, doodle, journal, and let their mind run free. Teens who are open to new experiences also tend to be more creative, Scott explains. The more welcoming teens can be of new stimulus, the less confined their thinking will be. In the episode, he shares some fascinating examples of famous, accomplished scientists who didn’t just focus on one area, instead expanding their knowledge across different regions of the scientific world. This allowed them to think outside the box and have some of the most inventive ideas in modern science. There are a lot of ways our education system could change to encourage more creativity, says Scott. In his view, schools need to assign more project-based learning, to help kids self-actualize and build something that incorporates their own perspectives. This is the first step to encouraging inventiveness and originality, he explains. He also suggests that kids learn to disagree with what they read in the textbook, and that teachers be more open to divergent discussions that push kids to think for themselves.
Scott and I cover a lot of interesting ground in this week’s... | |||
| 08 Aug 2021 | Ep 150: Healthy Habits for Teens | 00:30:51 | |
Sid Garza-Hillman, author of Raising Healthy Parents, joins us to discuss healthy living and how anyone can start living healthier by taking small steps every day. Plus, the importance of dealing with stress, the number one obstacle standing in the way of what parents want. Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation. Full show notes Getting kids to eat healthy is no easy task. Not only do they resist apples and broccoli, they tend to have a fit when you don’t take them to McDonalds after soccer practice or reach for cookies at the grocery store. Plus, it’s hard enough to keep yourself on a healthy diet! After a long day of working and parenting, it almost seems like second nature to fill up a glass of wine and microwave some nachos! And although you might put your own health on the back burner, creating a healthy family includes healthy parents too. If you aren’t taking care of yourself, you’re not being your best self, meaning you aren’t fully there for your kids! Plus, how are you going to convince your kids to be active and fill their body with nutrients when you’re on the couch eating a Snickers bar? To understand how both parents and kids can lead happier, more nutritious lifestyles, we’re talking to Sid Garza-Hillman, author of Raising Healthy Parents: Small Steps, Less Stress, and a Thriving Family. As a nutritionist, Sid has guided individuals and families away from unhealthy habits into prosperous ways of living! His groundbreaking approach to nutrition and holistic health emphasizes the value of reducing stress and taking small steps to arrive at a healthier life. In our interview, we’re covering the different kinds of stress, and how too much stress on a parent can lead not only to unhealthy living, but also make life tougher for the entire family. We’re getting into some nutrition science and psychology to reveal how you and your family can change your eating habits for good. Plus, we’re discussing how you can introduce healthier options to your kids without them running in the other direction. Reducing Stress For a Healthier Family In his work as a nutritionist, Sid often found that his clients couldn’t seem to stick to a healthy diet any longer than two months. When he asked himself why, he realized that it wasn’t because they needed more information–he had told them everything they needed to know. It was because they were totally stressed out from life and hadn’t developed healthier ways of dealing with it than eating junk food! For parents who manage insane schedules, stress is a huge cause of unhealthy habits. Sid explains how a level of stress can be labeled as “adaptive stress”, meaning it spurns us on just enough to grow and evolve. But a high level of stress puts the human body in survival mode, raising blood pressure and heart rate, weakening the immune and digestive systems, and causing weight gain. And when parents find themselves in this state, not only does their physical health decline, but their parenting is affected too. Sid emphasizes the importance of taking care of your own health if you want to raise healthy kids! Plus, it’s important to practice what you preach, says Sid. Nagging your kids to be healthier isn’t going to work if you don’t set a good example. Showing them that you care about your body will encourage them to do the same for themselves. In the episode, Sid and I share how you can develop a more active routine and healthier diet–and rope kids into doing the same. Plus, we discuss what he calls “stealing moments of recovery,” a simple way for parents to decrease their stress on an everyday basis. So you want to create healthier habits to cope with stress more effectively...but you don’t know what exactly you should be eating to be “healthy.” Does that mean less calories? More fruit? Sid gives some priceless nutrition advice in our interview. The Essentials of Eating Healthy Although diet fads and fitness gurus make nutrition sound complicated so they can sell you supplements or recipes, eating healthy is actually pretty simple, says Sid. He compares food to a gift box. All food has calories, the same way all wrapped gifts have wrapping paper. But what’s important is looking past the paper to what’s inside the box, or what kind of nutrients the calories contain. Are there vitamins, minerals and antioxidants, or just empty calories that don’t nurture the body? So what foods does Sid recommend? Mostly fruit and veggies, beans and whole grains, seeds and nuts...and keep the rest of the stuff to a minimum! And even though eating healthy might seem like an insurmountable task, it doesn’t have to be, says Sid. It’s not too hard to throw some fruit and almond milk together in the morning to make a smoothie, or whip up a salad with a few veggies. Sid champions a method called “MOT” or “most of the time.” This means that as long as you're sticking to a healthy diet most of the time, then you’re in the clear! Don’t sweat and fret over the small stuff, Sid insists, or you’ll just be tempted to give up entirely. It’s ok to have pizza for dinner, or for kids to have two slices of cake at a birthday party, so long as your family’s regular diet doesn’t consist of feeding yourself or your kids junk, says Sid. Talking to Kids About Health The last thing we want to do is make kids feel bad about their bodies. So how can we have a talk with them about adopting a healthier lifestyle without body-shaming them? Sid explains that the conversation shouldn’t be about their weight, but instead about their vitality. He suggests reminding them of all the amazing benefits they’ll see in their lives if they opt to take care of themselves instead of filling their bodies with junk. And although it can be hard for you and your family to say goodbye to the toaster waffles you usually eat for breakfast, Sid recommends thinking of it as a trade rather than a restriction. Instead of viewing these new dietary guidelines as punishment, it can be a lot more fulfilling to focus on the incredible benefits of making healthier choices. Although your kids might not be upset when you replace their Cheetos with sprouts, helping them understand that they’ll have more energy to hit home runs or draw some cool doodles can work wonders! No matter what, it’s important to have a discussion with kids about health, says Sid. Kids’ prefrontal cortexes have yet to fully develop, meaning they’re likely to act on impulse instead of make rational decisions. If they’re informed about the consequences of eating 10 donuts in one sitting, they’ll be more inclined to think critically about how that choice will affect their bodies. In the Episode... Sid has some seriously innovative ideas about how we can create a healthier lifestyle for our entire family! On top the topics discussed above, we also talk about:
Sid’s advice on creating change is backed up by psychology research and I hope listeners can leverage it to create the changes they want to make in their own families and lives! T... | |||
| 09 Dec 2024 | Ep 317: Rethinking Punishment for Teenagers | 00:23:12 | |
Paul C. Holinger, author of Affects, Cognition, and Language as Foundations of Human Development, delves into the role of interest in building self-esteem, the dangers of physical punishment, and strategies for fostering curiosity in teenagers. Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation. Full Show Notes: Raising a teenager often feels like navigating a maze of emotions and varying interests, where ensuring their well-being and fostering self-esteem can be challenging. Teens are at a pivotal stage in their lives where they form their own identities, learn to manage emotions, and develop a sense of curiosity that fuels their passions and purpose for the future. However, societal pressures and the stresses of everyday life can often suppress their natural interest and exploration. As parents, teachers, or guardians, it's crucial to nurture these aspects, enabling teens to thrive. Our guest this week, Paul C. Holinger, is a professor of psychiatry and a renowned author known for his work on emotion understanding and development in children. His book, Affects, Cognition, and Language as Foundations of Human Development, provides a foundation for understanding how integral elements like emotion, language, and thought processes contribute to human development. In our conversation, Paul delves deep into the significance of 'affect'—essentially our emotional responses—and how understanding and verbalizing these emotions can aid in building a more robust personal identity in teens. In the episode, Paul outlines the importance of distinguishing positive and negative affects in teenagers and explains why negative feelings, although more abundant, often demand urgent attention. He shares insights on how parents can shift negative affects into learning opportunities through open communication, transforming anger or distress into a lens of curiosity. Instead of suppressing emotions with physical punishment, Paul advocates for understanding the root cause of emotions, promoting a healthy dialogue that can drastically improve parent-child relationships. One of the significant areas of our discussion focuses on the impact of using physical punishment as a means of discipline. Paul highlights a disturbing correlation between physical punishment and negative outcomes like antisocial behavior, decreased self-control, and detrimental impacts on mental health. This revelation challenges the preconceived notion that stricter discipline equates to better-behaved children. Instead, Paul encourages parents to adopt an approach steeped in understanding, empathy, and most importantly, curiosity. The conversation further explores how teens can be encouraged to maintain motivation and interest, especially when faced with arduous tasks like studying or project completion. Paul shares that cultivating a sense of genuine interest or aligning tasks with rewarding outcomes can help teens navigate through negativity, finding joy in both the process and the result. In this Episode, We'll Also Cover:
Join us in unraveling these aspects with Paul C. Holinger, and learn how you can better support the emotional and intellectual journeys of the teens in your life. If you're looking to foster deeper connections and cultivate a nurturing environment for growth, this episode offers invaluable perspectives. Don’t forget to subscribe to Talking to Teens for more expert insights and advice around parenting the teenagers in your life! Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation. | |||
| 22 Sep 2024 | Ep 307: Teen Parenting Mistakes and Wisdom | 00:25:35 | |
Amy Betters-Midtvedt, author of You'll Make It, and They Will Too, joins us to share her experience raising five teenagers and offers practical advice on effective communication, handling dating and social media, and fostering mental health and responsibility. Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation. Full Show Notes Parenting teens can often feel like navigating a minefield, fraught with miscommunications, emotional upheavals, and a constant barrage of new challenges. Many parents find themselves at a loss, longing for the days when their greatest worry was whether their child would eat their vegetables or play nicely with others. When it comes to teenagers, the stakes often feel much higher, and the navigation significantly murkier. How do you maintain open lines of communication with your teen? What should you do when they break the rules or need direction? How can you help them deal with the pressures of social media, or the heartbreak of their first serious relationship? We’re joined this week by Amy Betters-Midtvedt, an author and seasoned parent who knows these challenges all too well. Amy is the author of the new book, You'll Make It, and They Will Too: Everything No One Talks About When You're Parenting Teens. With five teenagers of her own, Amy has seen and experienced the multitudes of teenage tribulations and triumphs. Her engaging narratives and insightful advice have garnered her over a million readers and appearances in publications like HuffPost and Parents Magazine. The Inspiration Behind the Book Amy reveals that the idea for her book came from personal moments of loneliness and confusion, wondering if other parents dealt with similar struggles. She highlights that conversations about parenting teens often fall silent, creating isolation for parents. Her goal with the book is to provide guidance and camaraderie, sharing wisdom and commiserative anecdotes in an easily digestible format. Effective Communication with Teens One of the standout strategies Amy discusses is the power of noticing and naming positive behaviors. Highlighting what children are doing right can help reinforce those behaviors, whereas constantly pointing out what they’re doing wrong can tear down their self-esteem and create friction. As an educator, Amy understands the profound impact that language can have on shaping a child's self-perception and her approach has been both simple and transformative. Different Kids, Different Rules Amy’s experience with five unique children underscores the necessity of individualizing rules and expectations. She compares this to how different injuries require different treatments rather than a one-size-fits-all approach. This strategy is respectful of each child’s individual journey and needs, rather than trying to enforce uniformity. This personal touch helps keep the lines of communication open and reinforces trust within the family. Handling Dating and Romantic Relationships When it comes to teenage dating and relationships, Amy underscores the importance of being a supportive, non-judgmental, listening ear. Navigating teenage heartbreak is about empathy and presence, rather than rushing in to solve or fix their problems. She also emphasizes the importance of knowing when professional help is needed for mental health issues, drawing parallels to how we wouldn’t hesitate to seek medical help for a physical injury. Welcoming the Teen Coming Home from College A special chapter discusses the unique challenges and joys of welcoming home a college student. Amy talks about managing expectations and understanding that the child who comes back from college may be different from the one who left. Supporting their newfound independence while maintaining house rules requires a delicate balance, but it’s a rewarding experience. In the Episode… Amy Betters-Midtvedt shares invaluable advice that any parent of a teen can benefit from:
This episode is packed with practical tips and heartfelt advice that make it a must-listen for anyone parenting teens. Amy’s experiences and insights offer a reassuring reminder that you’re not alone in the journey and that with understanding and love, you and your teen will indeed make it. For more of Amy's wisdom and updates, you can follow her on her blog at AmyBettersMidtvedt.com and connect with her on social media platforms like Facebook, Instagram, and TikTok @AmyBettersMidtvedt. Tune in to this enlightening episode and subscribe to Talking to Teens for more expert advice on navigating the teenage years! Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation. | |||
| 28 Nov 2021 | Ep 166: How to Harness the Voice in Your Head | 00:25:32 | |
Dr. Ethan Kross, author of Chatter, briefs us on his research on internal chatter: what it is, why it matters, and how to help your teen harness it before it gets out of control. Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation. Full show notes There’s a lot to be worried about these days! Whether you’re feeling anxious about the ongoing pandemic or just concerned that your teen is struggling in school, it’s easy to let distress clutter your mind. When we let that anxiety crawl around in our brain, we often find ourselves distracted from the better moments in life, thinking obsessively about a work meeting when we’re supposed to be spending quality time with our families.
Before we can learn to make the most of our mental chatter, we’ve got to know where it comes from! Ethan explains how this persistent voice in our heads was built in to help us make predictions about the future and learn from the past. For some people, it’s stronger than others, and it serves a different purpose for each of us, says Ethan. It can help us prepare for important speeches at work or a terrifying first date. It boosts our working memory, allowing us to keep phone numbers or passwords in our head. It even helps us define who we are and build a stronger sense of self!
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| 30 Apr 2023 | Ep 239: How to Be A Drama Free Family | 00:26:12 | |
Nedra Glover Tawwab, author of Drama Free, chats with us about how to break free from family drama and unhealthy relationship dynamics. We discuss practical tools for a variety of topics such as codependency, control battles, favoritism, and more! Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation. Full Show Notes
Nedra and I talked about an issue that often flies under the radar because it’s not always so easily identifiable: codependency. Codependency is a term that has been around since the 1980s, but its meaning has evolved over time. Tawwab explains that codependency can manifest in many forms of dysfunctional patterns within a person, including emotional neglect or over-involvement in a sibling's life.
In the episode, Nedra and I also touched on several other important topics, including:
Overall, the episode provides a wealth of valuable insights and advice for parents raising teenagers. By applying these principles in their own lives, parents can create a more harmonious and drama-free family environment that supports their teenagers' growth and development. Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation. | |||
| 03 Apr 2022 | Ep 184: The Overlooked Influences on Teens | 00:27:11 | |
Fiona Murden, author of Mirror Thinking, explains the overlooked influences on teenager’s behavior and character development. We’ll discuss which adult role models matter, which are largely ignored, and peer and celebrity influence. Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation. Full show notes We know teens need role models…but what does that mean exactly? Are we as parents supposed to provide a perfect example? Are these role models supposed to be teachers or coaches? What about celebrities? It’s not easy to ensure teens have the right heroes to look up to–and social media doesn’t help. In our digital world, it’s tricky to tell if teens are following positive role models online or just obsessing over seemingly perfect Instagram influencers. As hard as they are to find, good role models can be critical for growing teens. They provide young people with a metaphorical mirror, encouraging certain behaviors and discouraging others. With the help of role models, teens can find career success, improve their physical and mental health, and gain a deeper understanding of their place within the world. But without these examples to follow, our teens might just find themselves lost! This week, we’re talking all about role models, and how teens can find them in today’s world. Joining us is Fiona Murden, author of Mirror Thinking: How Role Models Make Us Human. Fiona’s been a psychologist for over twenty years! She also works as a public speaker and consultant across business, health care, sports, and politics. Fiona has spent much of her life working with leaders within organizations, leading her to wonder…how do leaders and role models affect those in their sphere of influence? In our interview, Fiona reveals how much of an influence parents really have over teens. She’s also explaining how parents can destress in order to become better role models, and why social media is damaging teens’ self-awareness. Parental Mirroring and Mental Models Parents aren't perfect…but that doesn’t mean they aren’t role models. In fact, parents are a lot more influential in teens' lives than we tend to think! When asked to name their role models, teens are more likely to list their parents then their friends, teachers or coaches, says Fiona. And the research shows that it’s true! Even though your kids might not listen to your opinions on what movies to like or what clothes to wear, teens have been shown to look to parents for cues about career, social nuances and values. A lot of parental influence stems from the way parents behave…not what they say! Kids often unconsciously observe things that parents do, and then, without conscious thought, mark those behaviors as socially acceptable, explains Fiona. For example, if a parent tends to solve conflict by raising their voice, a teen’s unconscious mind will pick it up and replicate it. Fiona refers to this unconscious assumption as a “mental model.” Even if parents warn kids to “do as they say and not as they do”, parental behavior can be incredibly significant to teens as they grow up! But what if teens are conscious of their parents’ behavior, and actively choose not to practice the same habits? Fiona explains that this is called “counter-mirroring.” Although it can be a helpful way for teens to avoid replicating unsavory parental behavior, it can also backfire, says Fiona. Sometimes, teens are so afraid of being like their parents, that they stray too far in the other direction. And oftentimes, teens tend to practice the same behavior as parents anyway–and then feel guilty about it later! In the episode, Fiona and I discuss the idea of mirroring further, and how we can use it to set the best possible example for our teens. But sometimes, parents are stressed, frustrated, or distracted, leading them to be less than stellar role models. How can we as parents de-stress to become better influences on teens? How Self Care Sets an Example For parents trying to balance working, cooking dinner, paying bills and raising kids, stress is pretty inevitable! Parenting is one of life’s most challenging endeavors–of course parents are going to find themselves at the end of their rope. And like anyone else, when parents get stressed, they don’t always practice model behavior….but kids are still watching and taking cues about how to behave! If you want to set a positive example for your teens, it starts by taking care of yourself, says Fiona. When we’re stressed out, we tend to be more directive, telling kids what to do and how to do it, Fiona explains. Instead, we should strive for non-directive parenting: listening, reflecting, and asking kids what they think is best. Fiona explains that non-directive parents often have more influence. Plus, non-directive parenting requires modeling the ability to patiently listen–something teens are certain to pick up on and unconsciously replicate. But non-directive parenting is only possible if we’re able to de-stress. So if we want to be the best role models possible, we’ve got to relax! Fiona suggests making a plan ahead of time for when you inevitably find yourself stressed out. At the beginning of the pandemic, Fiona worked with ICU doctors to do this same thing. She prompted them to make a plan for who to confide in and how to de-stress when things become overwhelming. And although many of them found it silly at first, they reported back later that it was incredibly helpful! If there are a few small ways you can reduce stress in your daily life, it can do wonders for both you and your family. Even if teens are able to look to parents as role models, they’ll also eventually turn to sources outside of the home for direction. Nowadays, more and more kids are logging onto social media in search of examples for how to act and behave. But is this a good thing? Fiona and I are discussing this in our interview! Are Influencers a Good Influence? When we were growing up, we may have turned to a famous author or popular activist as a role model. But we only had a few to choose from–kids these days are bombarded with hundreds of different people online who are vying for their attention. Instead of one cohesive role model, teens might have dozens of people with conflicting viewpoints that they’re attempting to look up to. This can be pretty disorienting and confusing, leaving teens with a sense that their values and ambitions are scattered. Fiona suggests sitting your teen down for a conversation about who these influencers really are. Where are they from? How did they gain a following? What makes your teen admire them? Questions like these encourage teens to think critically about the people on their screens. Fiona reminds us that influencers often portray their own lives as perfect, and dissecting their profiles to gain deeper understanding can help prevent teens from being tricked by the illusion of perfection online. For teens to really develop their own values, they need time to reflect, says Fiona. Unfortunately, social media is making it harder and harder for kids to reflect these days. Teens are on their phones for nearly seven hours a day, using any moment of downtime to pick up their phones and start scrolling. This means that teens don’t always make time to stop and ask the big questions. In the episode, Fiona and I talk about how teen... | |||
| 10 Nov 2024 | Ep 314: Breaking Bad Habits with Teenagers | 00:27:53 | |
Dr. Sophie Mort, author of "Unstuck," provides insights into breaking negative habits, understanding teen decision-making, and reshaping the narratives surrounding adolescence to better support teens' growth and self-esteem. Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation. Full Show Notes Navigating teenage years is often associated with challenging habits and evolving identities—both for teens and their parents. Adolescence brings about a series of complex transitions, raising questions about how to best guide teenagers through this dynamic chapter of their lives. While society often spells out dire warnings about the teenage years, effective communication and understanding can pave the way for smoother family dynamics and healthier growth patterns. Many of us grapple with forming or breaking habits—whether it's a teen procrastinating on homework or a parent reacting emotionally in family disagreements. Often, these habits tether us to familiar yet unproductive routines. Dr. Sophie Mort sheds light on how these patterns form and evolve, making it clear that a blend of thought, tailored interventions, and empathy can recalibrate our responses. Dr. Sophie Mort, a clinical psychologist and the mental health expert at Headspace, joins us this week. She's not only the author of "A Manual for Being Human" but also the critically acclaimed book "Unstuck," a guide about breaking free from negative habits. Together, we dissect the nature of habits, explore the age-old debate of 'good' versus 'bad' habits, and delve into the societal and familial factors that magnetize our actions. Sophie eloquently clarifies that a habit's alignment with personal values and aspirations should define its nature—not arbitrary societal judgments. Understanding Teen Habits and Values Sophie's approach encourages parents to redefine how they view their teens’ habits, emphasizing alignment with personal values over rigid categorizations of good or bad. The discussion evolves into how to foster dialogue that prioritizes a teen's perspective and desires for their future—tools that empower both personal development and improved family relations. Decision-Making Amidst Anxiety The journey into adolescence amplifies the need for navigational skills in decision-making. We explore when it's appropriate for teens to rely on their gut and when they should delve into deeper analysis. Sophie points out the nuanced relationship between anxiety and gut instincts, highlighting how fostering mindfulness can enhance informed decision-making. The Drama Triangle: Reshaping Family Dynamics Family conflicts often play out in predictable roles labeled by the drama triangle: victim, persecutor, rescuer. These roles, if left unchecked, forge cyclical conflicts that simmer over time. Sophie shines a light on these recurring dynamics, providing strategies to break free from these patterns and reposition family members into more empowering roles. Resisting Stereotype Pressures Teen identity is frequently influenced by deeply ingrained societal stereotypes, often resulting in pigeonholed expectations. We explore stereotype embodiment and its impact on teenage behaviors and self-image. Sophie’s insights into fostering media literacy encourage teens to critically evaluate the narratives they consume, aiding them in constructing resilient self-concepts. Confidence Vs. Self-Esteem Lastly, distinguishing between confidence and self-esteem becomes vital in nurturing overall well-being. Understanding these differences helps parents support their teens in cultivating a robust sense of self-worth that transcends external accolades and societal pressures. In the Episode… Alongside these themes, Sophie and I delve into:
This episode is a journey into fostering environments where both teens and parents grow beyond habitual ruts towards more authentic lives. Tune in for an enriching discussion packed with actionable insights, and subscribe to ensure you never miss out on empowering content! Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation. | |||
| 15 Oct 2023 | Ep 263: Sex, Puberty and Parenting | 00:23:44 | |
Dina Alexander, founder of EducateEmpowerKids.org, joins us to share her view on how to talk to tweens and teens about S-E-X and everything that comes with it. Rather than one big “talk” Dina encourages small, frequent talks to get the message(s) across. Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation. Full Show Notes Talking about sex with teenagers is notoriously awkward and uncomfortable for parents. But in today's world, where kids have unprecedented access to explicit content online, it's more important than ever to push past that discomfort. Our kids need us to have open, judgement-free conversations to help them build healthy relationships and develop positive views on sexuality. On this week's episode of Talking to Teens, we're speaking with Dina Alexander, an expert on communicating with kids about sex and relationships. Dina is the founder of Educate and Empower Kids and the author of the 30 Days of Sex Talks book series. With a daughter who is currently a senior in high school, Dina has plenty of firsthand experience navigating tricky conversations about sex. Dina explains why discussions about sex make so many parents anxious, even as sexual imagery pervades mainstream American culture. Often, our own experiences and assumptions get in the way of having constructive talks with teens. We discuss how to get over those hang-ups so we can have productive dialogues. Dina has recently released updated editions of her sex talk books, so we explore what has changed in the past few years when it comes to teen perspectives on relationships and intimacy. The proliferation of dating apps and social media has dramatically impacted how kids today approach romance and physical affection. Porn aimed specifically at girls and young women has also grown more prevalent. Dina offers insight into how to address new challenges. Throughout the interview, Dina provides tips for making chats about delicate topics more comfortable and effective. We talk about starting early, framing discussions around ideals for healthy relationships, and being willing to answer kids' questions without judgement. She explains why no one gets sex talks exactly "right" - the simple act of keeping the conversation going is what matters. Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation. | |||
| 03 Mar 2024 | Ep 281: Empowering Teen Girls | 00:24:50 | |
Chelsey Goodan, author of Underestimated: The Wisdom and Power of Teenage Girls, shares invaluable insights into empowering teenage girls through listening, validating their emotions, and encouraging a broader sense of self beyond societal expectations, while also addressing body image, feminism, and the struggles teens face today. Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation. Full Show Notes Raising teenage girls often feels like navigating a minefield of societal pressures, emotional upheaval, and misunderstood conversations. Parents strive to empower their daughters but find themselves grappling with how to breach topics on body image, confidence, feminism, and independence without exacerbating the situation. Today, more than ever, teenage girls are facing unprecedented challenges, from the pressures of social media to confronting traditional gender roles, leaving parents questioning how they can support their daughters through these tumultuous years. Our esteemed guest, Chelsey Goodan, brings a wealth of experience and insights to this conversation. With 17 years under her belt as an academic tutor and mentor for teenage girls, Chelsey has also lent her expertise as the mentorship director of the non-profit DemocraShe and the founder of the Activist Cartel. Her book, *Underestimated: The Wisdom and Power of Teenage Girls*, unveils the untapped potential and profound insights of teenage girls, urging us to listen more and to foster meaningful conversations that validate and empower. The Power of Validation and Listening Chelsey emphasizes the importance of allowing teenage girls to express their feelings without hurriedly offering solutions or dismissing their emotions. By simply validating their experiences and emotions, we can help them process their feelings healthily, building a foundation of trust and open communication. Chelsey provides practical insights into "holding space" for these conversations, demonstrating how we can encourage girls to find their solutions and gain confidence in their decision-making abilities. Breaking Cycles and Expanding Identity Through Chelsey’s stories and examples, we learn how to break the cycles of perfectionism, people-pleasing, and negative self-talk. Chelsey discusses expanding a girl’s sense of identity beyond academic achievements or singular interests, urging a multifaceted self-view that fosters resilience and inner strength. Encouraging exploration and supporting their passions can lead to a more balanced and fulfilled sense of self. Tackling Tough Topics with Radical Honesty From discussing feminism to confronting the unrealistic beauty standards perpetuated by the media, Chelsey outlines strategies for having radical, honest conversations about the issues that matter most to teenage girls today. She offers advice on how parents can engage in these discussions, not by dictating but by opening up dialogues that respect and value the girl's perspectives and unique voices. Cultivating a Culture of Compliments Chelsey highlights the intricacies of giving meaningful compliments that resonate with teenage girls, illustrating how specificity and authenticity in praise can make them feel seen, heard, and genuinely valued. This approach not only bolsters their self-esteem but also encourages a closer, more understanding relationship between parent and child. In the Episode: - How simple acts of listening and validating can transform your relationship with your teenage daughter. Chelsey's insights serve as a beacon for parents navigating the complexities of raising teenage girls in today's world. Her emphasis on conversation, validation, and empowering girls to find their voice demonstrates the transformative power of understanding and support. Be sure to grab a copy of Underestimated: The Wisdom and Power of Teenage Girls for more of Chelsey’s invaluable advice. And remember, fostering an environment where teenage girls feel empowered, valued, and understood can make all the difference in their journey to adulthood. Listen to the episode for a deep dive into empowering teenage girls and subscribe to Talking to Teens for more expert advice on connecting with the teenagers in your life. Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation. | |||
| 26 Jul 2020 | Ep 96: Getting Over the Awkwardness to Talk About Sex | 00:24:17 | |
Cindy Pierce, author of Sexploitation and Sex, College, and Social Media, brings her immense knowledge and humorous vibes to this week’s episode. Porn is wreaking havoc on our teens’ sexual development, but, fortunately, Cindy has ways parents can help undo the deleterious effects. Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation. Full show notes Talking to teens about sex is one of the hardest things to do as a parent. Initiation discussion about the birds and the bees can be very confusing, messy, and just plain awkward! Not only that, but teenagers can be very resistant to opening up and talking about sex even if they have questions and want clarification on the subject. No matter how uncomfortable or difficult talking to your teenager about sex and relationships is, it’s a crucial part of helping your child to grow up happy and healthy. Kids today are exposed to sexual content from a very young age, with the internet providing an infinite amount of pornographic content. While knowing about sex from a young age is ok, kids should be learning the facts from an educational, honest source rather than porn. The porn industry, more concerned with making money than protecting the minds and hearts of young people, often portrays sex as degrading, violent, and often not even consensual. Sound terrifying? I’m scared too! That’s why I’m sitting down with Cindy Pierce in today’s episode. Cindy is the author of several different books that tell you how to talk to teens about sex: Sexploitation: Helping Kids Develop Healthy Sexuality in a Porn-Driven World and Sex, College, and Social Media: A Commonsense Guide to Navigating the Hookup Culture. She also travels around to schools across the country to educate teenagers, parents, and college students about sex. She reveals fascinating and shocking things about how kids today are learning about sex as well as great tips to master talking to teens about sex. Cindy also shines light on a lot of the questions teenage and college aged people have about sex, relationships, and porn. For example, she reveals that in her experience, most kids in the modern day are exposed to sex and even pornography by the age of 9. This is why one of Cindy’s biggest tips for parents is to start talking to your teenager about sex and relationships from as young as ages 5-7. This doesn’t have to be a full briefing, but instead a safe, simple explanation about biology and the reasons why people decide to copulate. It may seem a little early to start talking to teens about sex, but it’s easy for children to be exposed to porn and be confused and manipulated from a young age. We want our kids to understand that sex is meant to be between two consenting adults who care about one another and communicate effectively. Instead, they may begin to believe that the degrading and often violent sex they see in porn is the same as real life sex--and we know it’s not. By talking to teens about sex and relationships early, you’re also establishing an important connection with your kids that lasts, a certain trust. It helps you open up a safe space to talk about complicated subjects. Then, as they grow up and begin to experience the myriad of problems that comes with growing up, they’ll know they can come to you for advice and that golden parental wisdom instead of the internet. Nervous about initiating discussion? Wondering how to talk to your teenager about pornography without saying the wrong thing ? Cindy also shares some tips for how to make sure that when you give the talk, you give it right. One thing she recommends is vulnerability. It’s easy to feel pressure to be a perfect parent, but you’re only human. It’s much healthier and more productive to talk openly about your experiences and be honest when you don’t know all the answers. Although it would be nice if there was a secret to success when it comes to talking to teenager about sex and realtionships, there’s no one way to approach your child about these topics. This is because all children are different, with different personalities, fears, and interests. Every kid is unique, and struggles with their own complicated relationship with intimacy and sexuality. Cindy speaks on the idea that talking to teens about sex is one that continues to evolve over time, not a static event. Instead of one specific instance in which the two of you sit down to discuss it all, the “talk” is really a shifting conversation which changes as your teenager grows. Keep communicating, keep up the dialogue about how to have safe, consenual sex to ensure that your teen develops and maintains a healthy relationship with the subject. Speaking of changes, one of the biggest shifts in a teenager’s life is their transition into college life--and this transition includes new sexual experiences. College hookup culture creates a confusing environment for many young adults as they enter university. This confusion and chaos is often the catalyst for, as Cindy puts it in the episode, below average sex. This means sex that is completed without trust, without communication, and often, without condoms! That’s why we need to be talking to teens about sex on a regular nasis and educating them about how to maintain self respect and sexual health while in college. Cindy breaks down how this hook up culture during the early years of college is largely motivated by the need for high social status. With the addition of social media to the lives of young people, status and image has become more significant than ever for college students. Part of this image is who you decide to sleep with. This means that students are motivated to hook up with other students to garner respect from their peers, rather than to share an intimate, fun experience with someone they care about. According to Cindy’s research, most college students actually report that they dislike hook up culture. Although it may seem like a convenient, no strings attached way to futile one’s physical need for intimacy, it can lead to a lot of traumatizing experiences, emotional damage, and, quite simply, unenjoyable sex. Often times communication between the two individuals is poor, leading to the lines of consent becoming blurred, the status of the relationship to be confusing and the sex to be bad. Instead of promoting this kind of sexual experience, Cindy emphasizes the idea of happier, healthier sex that involves trust and consnent By listening to her ideas about how young people can form positive sexual habits, we can teach our kids about how to communicate better with their partners and keep themselves from getting hurt. In the episode we cover:
Having "the talk" is already a daunting task for many parents--it may come as a shock that "the talk" actually should be an ongoing conversation. However for our teens healthy development into a full adult, having ongo... | |||
| 11 Dec 2022 | Ep 220: How to Raise An Anti-Racist | 00:29:32 | |
Tiffany Jewell, author of This Book is Anti-Racist, joins us to explain how we can raise teens who actively fight against discrimination of all kinds. We discuss the difference between race and ethnicity, explain how teens can explore their own identity, and break down the harmful effects of microaggressions. Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation. Full show notes Instead, Tiffany says we should encourage teens toMicroaggressions, intersectionality, gendered language–all these concepts are floating around the internet and even coming out of our teens’ mouths, but what do they really mean? We know that teens shouldn’t be racist or sexist, and that it’s important to treat everyone equally, but is there more to the discrimination discussion than just telling teens to be nice to others? The answer is yes–If we want teens to create a better, more equitable society, we have to educate them on the nuanced reality of discrimination. Not only that, but we have to teach them how to actively fight against it! To help our kids become warriors against injustice, we’re talking to Tiffany Jewell, author of the New York Times #1 Bestseller, This Book Is Anti-Racist and The Antiracist Kid. Tiffany is an educator who has been working with children and families for nearly two decades! Her work focuses on anti-bias and antiracism education for kids and teenagers everywhere. In our interview, Tiffany and I are discussing the difference between race and ethnicity and explaining how you can help your teen discover their own intersectional identity. Plus, how teens can deal with microaggressions from both friends and strangers.
Tiffany and I talk a lot about racism in the episode, but to understand racism, we first need to understand race! Tiffany explains that race is actually a social construct, instead of something found within the natural world. The word “race” typically refers to a person’s skin color, hair texture or other physical attributes. While race has often been a way to categorize people over time, it’s not entirely accurate and even has a pretty harmful history, as it’s often used to justify oppression against minority groups. embrace the concept of ethnicity. Ethnicity refers to ancestry, and the origins of those whom you and your teen are descended from. While “Asian” might be seen as a racial identity, ethnicity goes deeper to discover what region a person is actually from, like South Korea, Thailand or Cambodia. Ethnicity also encompasses language, religion, and other aspects of culture that truly provide the nuanced reality of a person's background. In our interview, Tiffany explains that we often don’t know the difference between the two terms because our education systems don’t teach us to differentiate. Even government forms are slow to adapt to these different definitions, often just asking if we’re “black or white”, “hispanic or non-hispanic”. These general categorizations leave little room for nuance–it wasn’t even until the year 2000 that the census allowed citizens to identify as more than one ethnicity. Understanding the difference between these terms is often a good start for teens exploring their intersectional identity. In the episode, Tiffany and I are breaking down what intersectional identity means and how teens can develop a strong sense of pride in who they are.
You may have heard the term “intersectional,” but what does it really mean? Tiffany explains that we all have various different social identities–our ethnicities, gender identities, and sexuality, among others. Intersectionality refers to how each of these traits intersect within our own identity, and how they change our relationship to others in society. For example, Tiffany shares that she identifies with multiple ethnicities, while also identifying as a cisgender woman. This means she’s faced some forms of discrimination–but not necessarily all of them. She can speak to the reality of experiencing racism, but she hasn’t had hateful rhetoric like transphobia or homophobia aimed her way. She reminds us that teens shouldn’t compete with others to prove who’s more “oppressed”, but instead see how others also experience discrimination thats similar to or different than what they face. Understanding that different kinds of people can face a multitude of forms of oppression can be critical for teens who are still piecing together the realities of discrimination within the world at large. In the episode, Tiffany and I discuss how teens are often taught to feel embarrassed about all the ways their identity doesn’t fit into the dominant white, male, neurotypical culture–but those differences can actually be superpowers. Teens who are neurodivergent, differently-abled or simply unique can learn to embrace what makes them stand out and harness it, says Tiffany. In the interview, we talk more about how teens can turn these “weaknesses” into superpowers. For teens who identify with certain ethnic or gender identities, stereotypes and microaggressions are an unfortunate part of life. Tiffany is explaining what microaggressions are and how teens can deal with them.
Microaggressions are comments that might seem small or inconspicuous, but are actually quite harmful, says Tiffany. Often, these comments refer to someone’s ethnicity or identity in a way that’s demeaning or inappropriate. In our interview Tiffany shares an example from her own life, when someone tried to make a game out of guessing her ethnicity. She found their behavior dehumanizing–as do many people who deal with microaggressions. So how can teens deal with microaggressions if they find one hurled their way? Tiffany explains that it's good for teenagers to have the right friends, people who can defend them if somebody makes an offensive comment. And if their friends aren’t around to witness it, teens should have someone they can talk to about how the microaggression made them feel–whether that's a friend, parent, or mentor. Sometimes teens might want to call out the person who uttered the offensive comment, and Tiffany says that’s typically appropriate. If someone utters a microaggression, they should be held accountable, especially if they’re a public figure of any kind. There are some instances, however, where teens might want to “call in” instead of calling out, meaning they might want to just pull the aggressor aside for a talk. Tiffany explains that this is often in order when it’s a friend who’s made an inappropriate comment, and the talk needs to be a bit more personal. In our interview, we talk more about how teens can face microaggressions and other forms of hateful rhetoric as they move through the world.
Tiffany and I tackle so many important issues in this week’s episode. On top of the topics discussed above, we also talk about:
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| 17 Sep 2023 | Ep 259: What’s Your Pronoun? | 00:24:05 | |
Dennis Baron, author of What’s Your Pronoun?, takes us on a journey through the evolution of pronouns. Younger generations are boldly claiming their linguistic identities—how do we better understand them? Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation. Full Show Notes In recent years, the discussion around pronouns has expanded well beyond the binary he and she, with young people leading the charge in educating themselves and others about the variety of pronouns people use to express their identities. This movement towards a more inclusive language might seem novel, but Dennis Baron, author of "What's Your Pronoun?" reveals that the conversation around pronoun usage has deep historical roots. This episode explores the fascinating history of alternative pronoun usage, unearthing attempts to reform the English language and fill what have been perceived as gaps in our pronoun set with gender-neutral or common gender pronouns. Through his research, Baron discovered over 200 proposals for alternative pronouns in just three months, many dating back to the 19th and early 20th centuries, such as thon, ze, and even the singular they. The Quest for a Gender-Neutral Pronoun Baron's journey into the world of pronouns began over 40 years ago when he researched attempts to reform the English language. He found that alongside spelling and grammar reforms, there was a significant push for a gender-neutral or common gender pronoun. Interestingly, this quest for an inclusive pronoun is not new, with proposals dating back to the 19th century. The Singular They and Controversies One significant aspect of the conversation around pronouns is the use of singular they. Baron points out that despite criticism, singular they has been part of the English language since the 14th century. The resistance to singular they highlights broader debates about language, inclusivity, and identity, which are explored in depth in this episode. The Political and Social Implications of Pronoun Usage The episode also delves into the political and social implications of pronoun usage, examining how language can both include and exclude individuals. Baron discusses recent legislative attempts to restrict pronoun usage, highlighting the ongoing battle for recognition and respect within the linguistic domain. In the Episode… This conversation with Dennis Baron is not just about pronouns; it's a deep dive into the evolving nature of language, identity, and social acceptance. In addition to the topics discussed above, we also cover: - The impact of social movements on language reform Through Dennis Baron's insightful exploration of the history and present of pronouns, listeners will gain a greater appreciation for the complexity and beauty of language evolution. Don't miss this fascinating episode that bridges past and present to illuminate the path towards a more inclusive future. Listen now, and subscribe to Talking to Teens for more enlightening discussions. Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation. | |||
| 11 Feb 2024 | Ep 278: The New Faces of Teen Addiction | 00:25:38 | |
David Magee, author of Things Have Changed, joins us to explain today's teen addiction crisis involving social media, potent synthetic drugs and vulnerable mental health. Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation. Full Show Notes
To help parents understand what’s really happening and how we can better communicate with struggling teens, we spoke with David Magee, author of Things Have Changed: What Every Parent and Educator Should Know About the Student Mental Health and Substance Misuse Crisis. After losing his son William to an accidental overdose in college, David became an advocate for better understanding teen addiction. He now speaks nationwide to students and parents, and started the William McGee Institute for Student Well Being at Ole Miss. It’s Not The Same Substances Today’s teens aren’t using their parent’s drugs. While past generations struggled with alcohol, cigarettes or weaker strains of marijuana, today’s kids are taking synthetic drugs, often laced with fentanyl, that are exponentially more potent and dangerous, David explains. He describes a current epidemic of fake Adderall pills being sold to high schoolers and college students. The counterfeit pills are never actual Adderall, but instead made of unknown substances designed to be addictive. Almost all contain fentanyl, says David. Kids think they’re buying a familiar drug, but it’s actually much more treacherous. This is just one example of how substances have changed. David explains today’s marijuana can have THC levels of 70-90%, compared to just 4-8% in the 1990s. He says schools are shocked when drug tests come back 6 or 7 times higher than just a few years ago. Social Media Enables Secret Addiction David explains that the majority of illegal transactions happen over social media apps and payment platforms. Kids are finding connections on Instagram and Snapchat, then paying through Venmo or CashApp to stay under the radar. Seeing multiple Venmo payments in and out of a teen’s account every day could signal that something is amiss, says David. He explains that parents needs to understand today’s digital landscape to spot warning signs. Punishment and phone monitoring usually backfires, while asking caring questions can help kids open up. Focus on Feelings, Not Scare Tactics Well-meaning authority figures often take a punitive approach, trying to scare teens away from substances through condemnation. But David explains this usually has the opposite effect, making kids feel ashamed in ways that increase their desire to use. Instead, he suggests leading with empathy, compassion and care. Getting kids the right kind of therapy or counseling is crucial, preferably with someone who specializes in teen addiction. Building teens’ emotional intelligence through ongoing communication within families is key. Above all, David focuses on helping teens cultivate sustainable joy in their lives, not just harping on what they shouldn’t do. He explains that happy, engaged teens are less likely to self-medicate through dangerous substance use. If you found this episode helpful, check out David’s website at davidmcgee.com for more resources. His book provides practical guidance for parents and educators struggling with today’s newly complex issues around teen mental health and addiction. Please subscribe for more content that can help strengthen family relationships during the critical teen years. Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation. | |||
| 20 Nov 2022 | Ep 217: Why Your Teen Thinks Differently | 00:29:42 | |
Chantel Prat, author of The Neuroscience of You, joins us to talk about how every brain is unique. We discuss the left and right brain, how to use psychology to motivate teenagers, and why every teen has a different way of thinking. Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation. Full show notes We all think differently–it's what makes our world so wonderful to live in. We each have unique opinions, perspectives and ideas to bring to the table! We often chalk up these differences to our individual upbringings or life experiences–but what if there are fundamental structural differences within each of our brains that change the way we think? What if our brains aren’t one size fits all? These are the questions we’re attempting to answer this week in our interview with Chantel Prat. Chantel is a cognitive neuroscientist, internationally renowned speaker and professor at the University of Washington! She’s joining us today to discuss some powerful ideas from her new book, The Neuroscience of You: How Every Brain is Different and How to Understand Yours. In our interview, Chantel and I are breaking down how the left and right hemispheres of our brains affect our behavior differently. We’re also discussing why some teens are motivated by reward, and others by punishment. Plus, how each person’s brain operates in a unique way and why it matters. Left Brain vs. Right Brain You may have heard that the left brain is more analytical, while the right brain is more creative. While this is an interesting idea, it’s not totally backed by science, Chantel explains. There are differences between the function of the two hemispheres, but they aren’t as simple as one might think. In the episode, Chantel and I are discussing the existing research about the differences between the left and right sides of the brain. One study examined people who lost the tie between the two hemispheres, meaning that each could be studied individually, says Chantel. The researchers asked the participants of the study to draw a picture based on a prompt, and found out that the right brain is engaged when creating visual interpretations. However, when people were asked to use their own language to describe what they’d drawn, they suddenly started to make up totally new explanations for their images that had nothing to do with the prompt! Chantel explains that this phenomenon occurred because the left brain is responsible not just for generating language but also for making inferences about causality and justifying our own behavior. This means there’s often a disconnect between the true reason for our actions and our conscious justifications for them, says Chantel. In fact, much of our decision making is done within our subconscious, Chantel explains. This is especially true for teenagers, whose brains are still developing. When they seem unable to justify their behavior, it’s likely because they don’t have the brain mechanisms to do so yet, says Chantel. While kids can’t always explain their behavior, it’s clear that they have certain motivations for their actions. Whether it’s the thrill of winning a homecoming game, the fear of failing a test or the satisfaction of saving for their first car, each teen has their own motivating forces. Chantel and I are talking about what motivates teens and how parents can understand their teens’ own method of motivation.
Although motivation is complicated, Chantel explains a basic spectrum we can use to understand what motivates our kids (and ourselves). Chantel explains that at one end of the spectrum, there are “carrot” learners, who are spurned forward by rewards. On the other end are “stick” learners, or those who make decisions based on their desire to avoid negative outcomes. You may have heard of the chemical dopamine, and that it plays a role in happiness. As Chantel explains in the episode, dopamine is a reward chemical that makes us feel satisfied when we achieve or obtain something. On the other hand, when we find ourselves disappointed, we experience what Chantel calls a “dopamine dip” and receive less dopamine than we expected. Carrot learners are motivated to seek out dopamine, and learn to repeat the behaviors that bring it–like eating food, buying something they’ve had their eye on, or even reaching a lofty goal. Stick learners, on the other hand, are motivated by the memories of those dopamine dips, and want to avoid the same unpleasant feeling they associate with disappointment. Chantel and I talk about how you can figure out if your teen is a stick or a carrot learner and what that means for your relationship with them. Although we can look at the science of different hemispheres and motivation styles, each individual’s brain is truly unique, Chantel explains. In the episode, we’re breaking down why everyone’s brain operates differently, and how we can help our kids embrace their own way of thinking.
Chantel finds it frustrating that we often approach neuroscience with the belief that brains are one-size-fits-all. The truth is that our brains each have unique ways of interacting with the world and processing information. To demonstrate her point, Chantel tells me about some of her research, in which she monitors participants’ brain activity while they’re doing nothing. When a brain isn’t given a task, researchers can measure the frequencies emitted by their brain in different areas. By measuring these frequencies, Chantel is able to make interpretations about how each person’s brain works uniquely. Particularly, she measures these frequencies as they relate to long term planning vs. sensitivity to the current environment. Essentially, Chantel can read how much energy people spend working towards long term goals, and how much energy is spent navigating the present. Each person’s brain does this differently, she explains, including teenagers. In the episode, we’re talking about how we can understand this concept as it applies to our kids, in educational, social and personal contexts. In the Episode… Chantel’s extensive knowledge of the brain is remarkable! On top of the topics discussed above, we also talk about:
If you enjoyed this week’s episode, you can find more from Chantel at chantelprat.com. Thanks for listening, and we’ll see you next week! Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation. | |||
| 24 Jan 2021 | Ep 122: Why Teens Rage and What To Do About It | 00:35:45 | |
R. Doug Fields, author of Why We Snap and Electric Brain, shares insight from the field of neuroscience on why as evolved as we are, parents and teens still snap at each other. Plus, what new research in the field of brain waves could mean for our kids in the future. Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation. Full show notes
It turns out that this response is a part of a complicated evolutionary brain mechanism, one intended to keep us safe...but can sometimes misfire. It comes down to how we’re wired to face threats, whether we’re being followed down a dark alley or getting into an intense facebook fight! Understanding how this mental system works can help teens from making some impulsive mistakes–and help parents stay cool when arguments with teens heat up. This week we’re sitting down with neuroscientist Dr. R. Douglas Fields, author of Why We Snap: Understanding the Rage Circuit in Your Brain and Electric Brain: How the New Science of Brainwaves Reads Minds, Tells Us How We Learn, and Helps Us Change for the Better. Dr. Fields is a leading researcher in the field of brain science, studying everything from experimental usage of brain waves to developmental psychology. Today, we’re talking about aggression: why it comes so suddenly, how it affects our body, and what we can do about it. Why Aggression Appears Dr. Fields became fascinated by the brain’s aggressive response when he found himself being attacked by a gang on the Barcelona subway. While he and his daughter were in the station, he felt someone grasp for his wallet. Instantly, he was able to grab the perpetrator and tackle him to the ground, putting him in a chokehold. With no martial arts training, and no exceptional athleticism….how in the world was Dr. Fields able to accomplish such an astounding physical feat??! Asking himself that same question, Dr. Fields embarked on a research journey to understand how the body is able to perceive threats and react accordingly. It turns out, this response is deeply unconscious, monitored by the same mechanisms that our brain uses to regulate hunger and thirst. Since this response is hard-wired in our brains, intended to keep us alive, Dr Fields says it’s pointless to tell an upset teen to just “calm down”. In fact, that will likely make the situation worse. Instead, Dr. Fields suggests educating your teen on why a situation is firing them up, and prompt them to consider if it’s worth acting on their angry impulses. If someone flips your teen off in traffic,of course they’re going to get upset. But is it worth yelling back and cutting this person off, risking their own safety? Likely not! Having these discussions with teens can keep them from making decisions they regret. While adults struggle with aggressive responses just like teens do, teens are not as capable of regulating their response, says Dr. Fields. In the episode, he discusses how teens’ have brains that aren’t quite developed enough to control their angry impulses. He shares how you can help a teen learn the importance of self control. When it comes to handling danger, there are certain factors that affect the nature of our reaction. Dr. Fields dives into what these factors are, and why they’re so important to understanding aggressive impulses. The Significance of Sex There are four main influences that affect the body’s response to a perceived threat: our genetic makeup, our childhood experiences, brain damage (from sources like injury or drugs), and, most importantly, our gender. While it’s important to consider our level of impairment (we all know alcohol can make us a little more inclined to impulsivity) and the nature of our upbringing, Dr. Fields says the number one force that indicates our level of rage is our sex. Why is this so? Dr. Fields explains that the answer comes down to the bilateral nature of our brain! When women are encountered with a threat, the response takes place in the left side of the brain, where we process smaller details and analyze the situation at hand. When a large man brushes a bit too aggressively against a woman in a bar, she’s not likely to incite violence against him–she’s smart enough to know that’s a battle she can’t win. If a man finds himself in a similar situation, he’s much more likely to get rough with the other fellow, because his reaction to danger is processed on the right side of the brain, explains Dr. Fields. This means he’s thinking more about the big picture, and guided by his emotions. He’s not analyzing how this guy will come at him when they get into a fight, he’s acting out of fury! This is why 95% of all people in prison for violent crimes are men. The difference in response between the two genders comes down to mating, says Dr. Fields. Women examine mates for prospects, analyzing their qualities, while men are driven to mates by beauty or their visceral response to the other person. In the episode, Dr. Fields gets into how women funnel their violent impulses into indirect action, such a s gossip or self harm. Beyond just gender, Dr. Fields breaks down why certain things trigger an aggressive response, and how our threshold for becoming triggered can become lower from chronic stress Stress and Social Rank Among most mammals, status among the pack is essential to survival...and humans are no different. Status in our society is tied to wealth and access to resources. That’s why office politics can elicit a rage response from us–we’re triggered by the threat to our status, and therefore our stability. When teens fight with somebody on Twitter, their place in the hierarchy is being threatened in a similar way, causing them to get angry. Contributing to this is the effect of prolonged stress. If a person is feeling anxious or expected to perform under pressure for a long period of time, their threshold for an impulsive, rage-fueled response is significantly lower. When your teen is about to overflow from managing school, sports, and their social life, they’re likely to blow up when you take their phone away. In the episode, Dr Fields explains that before he was robbed in Barcelona, he had faced a few other threats of robbery in the preceding days, This meant that his body was on higher alert, his brain circuitry changed to be more responsive. He believes this prolonged stress is the reason he was able to defend himself against the perpetrator with a crazy amount of physical strength! When it comes to responding with anger, educating a teen about why their body reacts the way it does can keep them from making dangerous mistakes and getting hurt. By talking to your teen about the brain science behind facing perceived threats, you can help them move thro... | |||
| 24 Oct 2021 | Ep 161: Keys to Beating Low Energy (Without Sleeping More!) | 00:28:12 | |
Dr. Steven R. Gundry, author of The Energy Paradox and The Plant Paradox, gives us insight into what the science says is slowing us all down, fogging up our brains, and making us look downright lazy. Surprisingly, the answer isn’t simply to get more sleep. Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation. Full show notes It feels like these days, we’re all a little more tired than we’d like to be! We pour ourselves an extra cup of coffee in the afternoon, feed our kids nutritious meals to give them a boost, and declare an early bedtime...but none of it seems to help! You and your kids might feel bogged down by 3 PM, or struggle to finish a basic to-do list. We’re trying to take care of ourselves, so why are we feeling so exhausted? Turns out, the answer is a lot more complicated than you might think–and it’s based in sophisticated nutrition science. Your body’s natural processes have been interrupted by our society’s agricultural and medical practices, and it might be causing you to have a fraction of the energy you once had! The chemicals in your food and the prescriptions you’re taking may be doing more harm than good when it comes to creating a happier, healthier life for yourself and your kids. To shine some light on this energy deficiency, we’re sitting down with Dr. Steven Gundry! He’s a former cardiac surgeon and the author of several successful books on nutritional science, including his new book: The Energy Paradox: What to Do When Your Get-Up-and-Go Has Got Up and Gone. In this week’s episode, we’re diving into the mechanisms at play in our body’s digestion and immune systems–and what we’re doing that’s causing those mechanisms to get all kinds of messed up. Ever heard of a microbiome? We’re talking all about how this home for trillions of microorganisms inside your gut serves as the center of your body’s functions….and how our practices are rendering it ineffective. Plus, we’re getting into the real truth about fiber, and unpacking the nuances of metabolic flexibility to explain why we just can’t seem to stay energized. How We Mistreat Our Microbiome Did you know that you have trillions of little organisms inside your belly that regulate a huge number of your body’s processes? This is called your microbiome, and it’s an essential part of digestion, immunity, and brain function. Steven explains that we weren’t aware of these microorganisms until recently. Through a fascinating scientific study known as the Human Microbiome Project, we’ve discovered just how much we use the microbial organisms in our gut–and how many issues our diet and medicine are causing! One of the ways we defile this essential system is with antibiotics, says Steven. When we started prescribing them left and right, we didn’t realize that they were actively killing off the contents of our microbiome. It was only with the cutting edge research conducted by the Human Microbiome Project that we learned our mistake–and it’s only just now that we have to come to terms with the damage that’s been done, Steven explains. Plus, we feed antibiotics to all the animals we eat...meaning that those antibiotics are inside us too! Another culprit of this microbiome mistreatment is a chemical compound glyphosine, often referred to as “round up”, explains Steven. Glyphosine is used on most conventional crops to make them easier to harvest–even the products marked non-GMO! Doctors and researchers have found enormous amounts of this chemical compound in young people’s blood, simply from eating crops that have been exposed to it. According to Steven, Glyphosine changes our microbiome to create a syndrome sometimes referred to as “leaky gut” in which toxins “leak” though the lining of our bellies and into the bloodstream, causing inflammation. Plus, Glyphosine blocks the effects of Vitamin D and the adrenal hormone, causing us to be drained and fatigued! There are certain things that are good for our microbiome–and fiber is one of the most important. However, due to misinformation, you may be feeding your family the wrong type of fiber, causing harm to microorganisms instead! Finding the Right Fiber Although we may not realize it, there are actually two different kinds of fiber: soluble and insoluble. Soluble fiber is the kind our microbiome likes….while insoluble causes serious damage! Even though we might think of grain or bran muffins as being full of healthy fiber, the insoluble fiber they contain actually makes them quite harmful to our microbiomes, as they can’t be broken down and absorbed. Even though we think we’re helping our kids stay healthy, we might not be giving them the fuel to power their bodies, Steven says. As Steven explains in the episode, a lot of the processed food we eat today is broken into simple sugars, protein and fats. This is in stark contrast to our grandparents’ diet of whole foods. Instead of sitting down to consume a potato or an apple, we’re far too often provided with candy, chips, or microwavable dinners which are, as Steven says, stripped of all fiber. Instead, they contain false flavorings to trick your body into thinking there is any fiber at all! Steven suggests reaching for asparagus, yam, artichoke, or avocado instead. Steven quips in the episode that we eat the foods we love, but the food doesn’t love us back! He explains that the food with the most fiber is often bitter food...in other words, bitter is better. In the episode, we go over some recipes from his popular title, The Plant Paradox Cookbook: 100 Delicious Recipes to Help You Lose Weight, Heal Your Gut, and Live Lectin-Free, that can make bitter food more enticing...and get you and your family the fiber they need. If we’re talking about digestion, it's important to discuss metabolic flexibility, says Steven. This is another area where our practices are causing some problems with our energy flow! Our Digestion is Damaged...And How It’s Hurting Us In the episode, Steven and I discuss a process known as metabolic flexibility–or the way our bodies digest food gradually. The mitochondria, which can be found in our body’s cells, processes the food we eat, and typically sorts through sugars, proteins, and carbohydrates separately, Now, unfortunately, with our consumption of over processed foods, these components are all rushing to our mitochondria at the same time, causing it to get jammed and move about as smoothly as rush hour traffic! This clogged system is another reason why our energy may not be as high as we’d like, Steven explains. In the past, our body would transmit food to glucose, and then start running through the body’s stored fat for fuel. Because of the frequent consumption of processed foods, many of our bodies no longer have the capacity to do this! That’s why when people try to go without juice cleanses or try a keto diet, they find themselves starving. Their body can’t go more than two hours without eating food and adding new fuel to their system. Instead of regular snacking–which Steven says is certain to shorten your lifespan and make you more fatigued than ever, he suggests compressing your eating windows to last between six to eight hours. What does this mean exactly? We talk more in the episode about that! Here’s a hint: it’s much better than ou... | |||
| 21 Jan 2024 | Ep. 275: Empowering Teens to Stay Alcohol-Free | 00:23:25 | |
Dustin Dunbar, author of You’re Doing Great and Other Lies Alcohol Told Me, joins us to reveal the false messaging alcohol feeds teens about itself and discusses how parents can model alcohol-free lives to intrinsically give kids the skills to resist drinking culture. Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation. Full Show Notes Teenage years come with intense new social pressures – the urge to fit in, make friends, and figure out who you are can feel overwhelming. In the midst of this tumultuous period, teens are confronted with the prevalence of underage drinking all around them. Their peers are doing it, cool kids on social media make it look fun and exciting, and it seems like the “normal” thing to do. As parents, we want to protect our kids not just from the dangers of alcohol itself, but from falling for the many myths alcohol sells – that it’ll make you happier, more fun, more liked and more confident. The reality is, teens need tools and support to handle their insecurities, anxieties and difficult emotions in healthy, constructive ways. This week, we’re talking about how we can empower teenagers to develop self-awareness and stay alcohol-free amidst intense social pressures. We’re joined by Dustin Dunbar, founder of The Alcohol-Free Revolution and author of the book “You’re Doing Great (And Other Lies Alcohol Told Me)”. Dustin grew up surrounded by family members struggling with alcohol addiction. After overcoming his own battle with alcohol, Dustin has devoted himself to smashing the myths and lies alcohol tells young people. He’s here to reveal the tactics Big Alcohol uses to target teens, and explain why drinking culture is declining amongst Gen Z. Why Teens Are Drinking Less Despite the messaging bombarding them every day, today’s teenagers are actually drinking less than past generations. Dustin explains how teens are seeing through the deception inherent in alcohol advertising and social norms. More teens are prioritizing their health and wellbeing over fleeting social acceptance. Dustin reveals the shocking cancer risks of alcohol, and why social media influencers never show the negative consequences the next day. We discuss how parents can prompt critical thinking about the way alcohol is marketed to take advantage of teenagers’ insecurities. Emotional Tools For Handling Anxiety Dustin explains why alcohol is so tempting for anxious teens – it suppresses nervous system functioning, numbing difficult emotions. Without alcohol, teens have to learn to sit with feelings of awkwardness, FOMO, insecurity and more. We discuss tools parents can teach teens to handle emotions healthily, like identifying underlying feelings, de-escalating anger, setting kind boundaries, and expressing needs calmly. Dustin shares how learning these tools transformed his relationships. Modeling Mindful Drinking Research shows parental drinking habits have an enormous influence on teens. Dustin implores parents to seriously evaluate their own drinking and model more consciousness. Substance abuse often masks unresolved trauma – Dustin explains why getting vulnerable and giving up numbing aids can lead to self-discovery. Becoming an Alcohol-Free Role Model As Dustin explains, parents’ own drinking habits can normalize alcohol for impressionable teens. Showing teens an alcohol-free lifestyle demonstrates better coping strategies for stress and models healthier social skills that don’t require liquid courage. Our interview dives into the surprising interpersonal benefits Dustin has experienced since quitting drinking. Joining the Alcohol-Free Revolution Dustin discusses the free global community he created to support people in transitioning to alcohol-free lives. Members find camaraderie in overcoming drinking triggers, guidance in handling new emotions now out of suppression, and inspiration from others navigating the journey. Dustin explains how membership gives lobbying power to eventually ban alcohol advertising, preventing further generational indoctrination. Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation. | |||
| 17 Oct 2021 | Ep 160: Does Your Family Need a Code of Excellence? | 00:27:06 | |
Frank Figliuzzi, author of The FBI Way, shares knowledge on effectively instilling values in a family unit. He walks us through creating a code of conduct based on your family’s values, and shares the number one thing everyone gets wrong about consequences. Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation. Full show notes Parenting can sometimes feel like it’s never predictable. Even when we think we know our kid, some new interest or personality trait suddenly comes out of left field. Maybe your kid has always been a total carnivore, but this week, all their friends are vegan...so they want to be vegan too! Yesterday, your kid wanted to be a pro basketball player, but today they want to be a painter...tomorrow they’ll tell you they’re destined to be a scientist. It can be dizzying to keep up with your teens as they grow and evolve everyday! But what about when a kid who’s always happy and smiling suddenly seems tired and disinterested in things? Or when your teen who swore they’d never smoke accidentally leaves a vape in the kitchen? When these kinds of unexpected parenting troubles pop up, it’s hard to adjust and react effectively. It can be incredibly challenging to avoid the urge to panic, and nearly impossible to remain cool and parent through peril. According to this week’s guest, the secret to handling the ups and downs is to define our values–and stick to them. His name is Frank Figliuzzi and he’ the former assistant director of the FBI, served as FBI chief inspector for sensitive internal inquiries, and is now a national security analyst for NBC news! His new book, The FBI Way: Inside the Bureau’s Code of Excellence, highlights the principles that make the FBI so successful at handling crises and explains how you can apply those same principles when things go awry with your teen. In the episode, we’re touching on what Frank calls “the seven Cs”, or seven fundamentals that parents can practice to create a harmonious house and handle conflict when it arises. We’re covering the importance of sticking to a code of values, practicing clarity, and enforcing consistent consequences–but not without compassion, credibility and conservancy. Finding Your Family’s Code of Values When we’re using a device and something goes wrong, we check the manual. If we’re cooking and not sure which spices will taste the best, we look at the recipe. In our nation’s legislative and judicial process, we consult our constitution for guidance about what’s best for our citizens. So why shouldn’t parents and teens have a guide that they can refer back to when things feel out of control? In the episode, Frank emphasizes the importance of having a code–the first of the seven Cs– that your family follows and falls back on in times of uncertainty. It’s what the FBI does...and you should try it too! Sound overwhelming? It doesn’t have to be, says Frank. It can be as simple as promising to always treat each other with respect, or agreeing to always be honest. As more things are added to the list, you might even want to write them out to ensure accountability. Frank explains in the episode how his son (now a lawyer, of course), asked if they could all formally sign a contract declaring their families core values! Once you’ve created this code, Frank explains that your family should act as a conservancy–the second of the 7 Cs. This indicates a collective effort, meaning everyone is equally responsible for maintaining this code, including parents. In order to ensure that everyone abides by the code, Frank believes that consequences (number three of the seven Cs) are super important. Without consequences, the rules tend to fall flat! When someone violates one of the values in your family code–say, being dishonest and lying about finishing their homework–and nothing happens as a result, they’ll just keep on doing it. Soon enough, they won’t feel any need to be honest about anything anymore, since there’s no consequences for dishonesty. But if they can no longer play their XBox as a result of their behavior...they might be more concerned with the truth the next time around. Just like in the FBI, there’s no lying under oath! The fourth of the seven Cs is clarity, and Frank reminds us that this is of the utmost importance. Even if we have consequences in place, they’re totally useless if they’re unknown! By making sure things are clear, we ensure that teens know consequences before getting themselves into trouble. If they’re aware that they’ll be grounded for coming home after 11:00, they can’t claim they didn’t know, or try to get away with it! Plus, clarity helps to maintain fairness. If everyone is clear on the 11 o’clock curfew, then you’ll have to punish both kids for violating it...even if you tend to be more lenient with one than the other. These four Cs may outline the basics of creating a code of values, but there are a few more principles Frank recommends that parents follow if they want to keep things on track despite road bumps! Compassion, Credibility, and Consistency Ok, so all this talk about consequences might feel a bit authoritative. In our interview, Frank explains that to avoid becoming a tyrant, compassion is key! Frank and I discuss how, when the family is under stress or a kid is experiencing an intense emotional rollercoaster, part of parenting through it is giving kids some wiggle room to fail or mess up. Frank explains that when someone is set to face punishment in the FBI, the organization takes into account more than just the transgression at hand. Maybe the offender was under a lot of pressure that day, or expected to handle something outside of their usual scope of responsibility. It’s okay to give teens this same leniency when things aren’t quite going to plan. It’s not only kids that mess up, it’s parents too. That is why parents need to be transparent and embrace the sixth of the seven Cs: credibility. As Frank and I discuss in the episode, by admitting your own mistakes and taking steps to fix things when you misstep,you show your kids you're capable of taking credit for your actions. In turn, this makes you more credible as a figure of authority, says Frank. The last of the seven Cs is consistency–meaning sticking to your code of values, even when things get rough. When you spy the vape your teen left in the kitchen, it’s easy to blow up on them–but if you specified the importance of respecting each other, it might be wise to think about how you can go about the conversation respectfully. On the flipside, having defined honesty as a core value might make it so that your teen is more willing to be open about where they got the vape, how often they’ve been using it and why they decided to get it in the first place. When it comes down to it, Frank’s seven C’s are about creating a home environment that promotes justice and fairness–while making sure rules are still followed! By defining a code of values and taking the appropriate steps to make sure it sticks, you and your kids might just find the light at the end of whatever tunnel your family is facing. In the Episode... There are so many valuable takeaways from this week’s interview with Frank! On top of the topics discussed above, we also talk about…
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| 14 May 2023 | Ep 241: Lonely? Master the Art of Social Gatherings | 00:27:24 | |
Nick Gray, author of The Two Hour Cocktail Party, shares his journey from a shy person with social anxiety to building a robust social network. We discuss how to turn your house into a gathering place for your teen and their friends. Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation. Full Show Notes Raising teenagers often means your life becomes a rush of school runs, sports practices, and music recitals, leaving little room for your own social life. It's a challenge faced by many parents, where balancing personal and parental duties often leans heavily towards the latter. But what if you could reclaim your social life without sacrificing your parental responsibilities? What if there was a way to model positive social behaviors for your teens while enriching your network of friendships? This week, we dive into the art of maintaining and even flourishing your social life as you navigate the journey of parenting teenagers. Our compass for this expedition? None other than Nick Gray, a renowned author and the mind behind the transformative concept detailed in his book, "The Two-Hour Cocktail Party." Nick has sculpted a niche in social generosity and connectivity, transforming his insights into actionable steps for adults seeking to build meaningful relationships amidst their busy lives. His expertise isn't just about throwing parties; it's about weaving the fabric of a community, one gathering at a time. Nick's principles extend beyond mere recreational gatherings, offering a beacon for parents to exemplify balanced life lessons to their teens. Forging Connections Through Hosting Nick's approach demystifies the daunting task of hosting, breaking it down into manageable, step-by-step actions. By fostering environments where new connections thrive, parents can showcase the power of community and the importance of nurturing relationships. Nick reveals the secret sauce to his hosting formula, emphasizing the blend of structure and spontaneity that makes gatherings memorable and impactful. The Power of the Two-Hour Party Why two hours, and why on a weekday? Nick delves into the psychology behind the timing, explaining how constraint fosters both anticipation and participation. This format not only respects the busy schedules of attendees but also emphasizes quality interactions over quantity. It’s a lesson in respecting boundaries and making the most of the time we share with others—valuable lessons for teenagers watching their parents lead by example. Modeling Social Skills for Teenagers One of the silent benefits of embracing Nick’s hosting philosophy is the indirect mentoring parents provide to their teenagers. As teens observe their parents navigate social planning, inclusive conversations, and the art of welcoming diverse groups of people into their homes, they absorb critical life skills. From icebreakers to closing conversations, these gatherings become live demonstrations of emotional intelligence in action. Topics Covered in the Episode: - Why parents should prioritize their social lives alongside their parenting duties Nick's insights are a reminder of the joy and fulfillment that come from nurturing our social lives, even in the midst of parenting. Discover more about Nick and his work at https://nickgray.net/ Don't miss this invigorating discussion on how to balance being a great parent with being a great friend and community member. Tune in, gather some tips for your next two-hour cocktail party, and subscribe to Talking to Teens for more enlightening conversations. Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation. | |||