Sex Help for Smart People (Laura Jurgens, Ph.D.)

Ever feel like your career leaves little room for the joys of your sensual self? Join me, in this first episode of Sex Help for Smart People,  where you'll learn why it can be hard for even the most successful women to know how to get what they want in sex and relationships.

In this episode, we're taking a radical departure from the ineffective methods that leave so many high-achieving women feeling stranded, and we move towards a practice that’s about embracing your body and its desires through communication and play, equipping you with the tools for change.

We'll wade through the murky waters of gender socialization, busting myths and lifting the veil on authentic selfhood. Feeling safe, setting boundaries, and indulging in pleasure without obligation isn't just a fantasy—it's a birthright.

What you'll learn in this podcast:

• Practical advice to integrate sensual self-awareness 
• Exploring sexual empowerment and relationship skills
• How to navigate vulnerability with your partner for a more satisfying sexual life
• Exercise: How to start connecting with your sexual body

If you're ready to break the chains of societal pressure and reconnect with the pleasure you deserve, this episode provides the first baby step with a tiny practice to begin your journey to better sex and connection with yourself and your partner. 

Get a free guide to Finding Your Deepest Turn-Ons, plus learn how to work with me at https://laurajurgens.com.

Get a transcript of this episode by going to https://sexhelpforsmartpeople.buzzsprout.com/ Click on the episode, then choose the transcript tab.

Unlock the superpower hidden within the simple act of touch. In this episode, I guide you through the transformative practice of Attuned Touch for better intimacy and connection. 

This is a game-changer for giving and getting affection, whether you're using it in a sexual relationship or not. It's an amazing skill for everyone, single or partnered. 

We cover what Attuned Touch is, why it's so powerful, and how to do it in 4 easy steps.  

We'll also talk about 3 common mistakes we all make with touch and how to avoid them. I'll even give you some ways to offer kind feedback to get better touch from a partner.

You'll walk away with a practice that's easy to integrate into your daily life and powerfully effective for boosting intimacy. 

Get a free guide to Finding Your Deepest Turn-Ons, plus learn how to work with me at https://laurajurgens.com.

Get a transcript of this episode by going to https://sexhelpforsmartpeople.buzzsprout.com/ Click on the episode, then choose the transcript tab.

This episode is the first in a series on arousal and desire. It will give you the foundation you need to understand the different types of arousal and start thinking critically about desire, so you can boost your experiences of both processes. 

We'll unpack how underlying cultural assumptions about sexual desire -- and the limited information we all get on arousal -- can really squash sexual joy, particularly for people socialized as women. We'll also cover how to start freeing yourself from all that so you can find your own authentic sexual freedom. 

Get a free guide to Finding Your Deepest Turn-Ons, plus learn how to work with me at https://laurajurgens.com.

Get a transcript of this episode by going to https://sexhelpforsmartpeople.buzzsprout.com/ Click on the episode, then choose the transcript tab.

Join me on a useful journey through the dark forest of libido blockers. We're going through a list of the top 11 types of 'brakes' I see getting in the way of arousal and desire.  After all, you can hit the gas all you want but you won't go anywhere if you don't release the brakes. 

Here are the top issues we'll cover: 
1. Genital pain and numbness
2. Feeling obligated to have sex for someone else
3. Internalized social "rules" about yourself or your partner
4. Unmanaged stress
5. Not knowing your body or not listening to it
6. Negative body image 
7.  Not knowing or being ashamed of your emotional turn-ons
8. Unresolved trauma (I'll give you my recommended therapy approaches)
9. Over-busyness and distraction addiction
10.  Trying to use alcohol or substances to calm down (and why this backfires)
11.  Resentments in relationships

We'll close with an exercise to help you start noticing what might be in your way. 

Get a free guide to Finding Your Deepest Turn-Ons, plus learn how to work with me at https://laurajurgens.com.

Get a transcript of this episode by going to https://sexhelpforsmartpeople.buzzsprout.com/ Click on the episode, then choose the transcript tab.

This episode is all about the psychological side of sexual desire. Our brains are our biggest sex organs. They enable us to feel interested, excited, and satisfied. So a big key to sexual self-empowerment is knowing your own core desires – the erotic emotions we crave during sexual play. They aren't obvious, and many may be surprising. 

This is a big topic, so I'm going to break it all down. We’ll cover what emotions actually are and why we have them, what erotic emotions are, where they come from, why we have the ones we have, and how to find yours. 

We'll also talk about how this relates to kink and what to do with fantasies that freak you out. I'll explain why it's all really normal and how to interpret your fantasies. 

Get the free tool, The Wheel of Erotic Emotions, to get started exploring on your own or with a partner here: https://laurajurgens.com/wheel/. 

Get a free guide to Finding Your Deepest Turn-Ons, plus learn how to work with me at https://laurajurgens.com.

Get a transcript of this episode by going to https://sexhelpforsmartpeople.buzzsprout.com/ Click on the episode, then choose the transcript tab.

In this episode, you'll learn why it's so important to understand your own erotic superpowers. We'll dive into the importance of owning your strengths when reaching for new goals. I'll help you identify your own erotic superpowers by explaining 16 common categories of them. The episode closes with an exercise to help you uncover, celebrate, and build on your special blend of strengths. 

For the free Touch Play Guide, go to https://laurajurgens.com and for a transcript,  go to https://sexhelpforsmartpeople.buzzsprout.com/ and click on the episode. 

Get a free guide to Finding Your Deepest Turn-Ons, plus learn how to work with me at https://laurajurgens.com.

Get a transcript of this episode by going to https://sexhelpforsmartpeople.buzzsprout.com/ Click on the episode, then choose the transcript tab.

This episode will help you connect better to your own pleasure and your partners through simple changes to the words you use to talk -- and think -- about sex. 

I'll cover the impact of words on mindset, expectations, and emotions, and give you some options for new terms to try on to feel more free during intimacy. The episode outlines the socialized connotations of words like "sex" and "penetration," highlighting the pressure it creates for people of all genders. We'll challenge patriarchal connotations, acknowledging how unintentional absorption of biases affects us all.

You'll learn some alternatives that encourage exploration and pleasure without fixed expectations.  I'll give you a practice prompt to create lasting shifts in your own life. The end result is a simple way to help liberate your sexuality and foster authentic connections for mutual pleasure.

For more free resources, check out https://laurajurgens.com

Get a free guide to Finding Your Deepest Turn-Ons, plus learn how to work with me at https://laurajurgens.com.

Get a transcript of this episode by going to https://sexhelpforsmartpeople.buzzsprout.com/ Click on the episode, then choose the transcript tab.

Episode 8 is the first in a series about Relationship Skills. We're starting with the fundamental skill of self-attunement. This is the simple practice of tuning into our emotional activation level to understand where we're at and what we're available for.

It's simple, and doesn't take long. It is also a game-changer for your relationships, whether with yourself or with everyone else in your life.

What is self-attunement?

Most of us struggle to maintain a deep connection during daily life and when we interact with others. Self-attunement is about being "home" to ourselves, staying connected to our needs and sensations rather than being solely outward-focused.

I'll walk you through a simple exercise to drop into your body, assess your emotional activation on a 0 to 10 scale, and be present to your own experience. This exercise can be done anytime, anywhere, and serves as a foundation for deeper self-awareness and authenticity.

Benefits of Self-Attunement:

• Self-attunement enhances authenticity and empowers us to make decisions aligned with our true desires.
• It improves our ability to connect with others by fostering genuine presence and understanding.
• Self-attunement also aids in setting boundaries and navigating challenging conversations with clarity and composure.

Practical Applications:

• Self-attune before engaging with others, especially in intimate or emotionally charged situations.
• Use self-attunement to regulate your capacity for decision-making and avoid acting impulsively under emotional stress.
• Employ self-attunement to empathize with others and defuse tense situations.
• Share the practice of self-attunement with friends or partners to foster mutual understanding and support. 

Conclusion:

• Self-attunement is a powerful tool for cultivating self-awareness, authenticity, and meaningful connections in all aspects of life. It also helps us not be jerks to ourselves or other people. 
• By integrating this simple practice, you can boost your emotional intelligence, as well as the fulfillment you feel in your connections with yourself and others. 

For more free resources, to get on my newsletter and to get access to upcoming webinars, join my list at https://laurajurgens.com/ (opt out anytime). 

Get a free guide to Finding Your Deepest Turn-Ons, plus learn how to work with me at https://laurajurgens.com.

Get a transcript of this episode by going to https://sexhelpforsmartpeople.buzzsprout.com/ Click on the episode, then choose the transcript tab.

Today we're talking all about where we get our validation, and what happens when we only look for it externally without giving it to ourselves.

Ever get that feeling that you, or someone you're with, just can't really take in approval? Maybe compliments slide off uncomfortably, or they seem to do absolutely nothing for our self-image. Maybe we feel desperate for attention, affirmation, or we tend to wait for someone else to make decisions. Or maybe we feel the opposite -- like we are entitled to approval for every single thing and we have a hard time taking even gentle feedback.

These are all patterns that stem from withholding validation from ourselves. It not only feels awful from the inside, it's also really challenging for romantic partners. It can be a big red flag in relationships, especially if taken to extremes. The good news is that most people can learn how to decrease the intensity of these patterns by learning to give ourselves more approval -- and it feels amazing when we do. 

Episode 9 breaks down validation-seeking behavior patterns. I'll cover what to look for in yourself or others, what's in your power to fix and what's not. I'll also show you how to start working with your own validation-seeking behaviors so you can better accept approval from yourself and others, and let it feel really good. 

To get the vagus nerve exercises referenced in this episode (and other free resources), go to https://laurajurgens.com and get on the email newsletter. Opt-out anytime. 

Here are the topics for today: 

Defining Validation

The Spectrum of Validation-Seeking

Why You're Not Weird or Lame for Needing Approval

Socialized Patterns in Approval-Seeking by Gender

Approval-Seeking Gone Wild, Validation Black Holes and Red Flags

Impact on Relationships 

The Way Out of Misery: Repairing the Relationship with Ourselves 

A First Step Exercise

Get a free guide to Finding Your Deepest Turn-Ons, plus learn how to work with me at https://laurajurgens.com.

Get a transcript of this episode by going to https://sexhelpforsmartpeople.buzzsprout.com/ Click on the episode, then choose the transcript tab.

Episode 10 is all about when and how to talk to your partner about sex. If you're dating, considering dating, or in a relationship, don't miss this one.  It will take the guesswork out and keep you from a lot of disappointment. 

Many of us spin out in worry about finding the "right time;" avoid talking about important sexual needs, desires, or challenges out of fear or shame; or just blurt out our issues whenever we feel urgent about it. None of these approaches will help you get what you want and need from your partner. This episode gives you the guidance you need to avoid these common communication pitfalls.  

We’re going to cover good times and bad times to talk about sex, including what kinds of topics work (and don’t work) when you’re in the middle of getting it on.

I’ll also teach you the 3 key concepts to help conversations on sensitive subjects go more smoothly. Practicing these will help you and your partner feel heard, enable better connection, make empathy more likely, and avoid conflict.

From the episode, the baseline questions I suggest everyone cover with sex partners periodically are below. Consider these a starting point. 

1. What would make sex extra amazing for your partner? For you?
2. What would you both like more of? 
3. How do you both like to be invited to sexy times? 
4. What kind of flirting feels really good to you and them? 
5. How do you like to be escalated with?  (That is, moving from flirting to touch, initiating kissing, escalating to making out, moving from making out to removing clothes, initiating genital touch, etc.) 
6. How do your genitals particularly like to be touched? 
7. What helps you get off? 
8. What gets in the way of your arousal or hinders your orgasm? 
9. How do you know when sexy times are over? What do you like as a check in for when you’d like to wrap up or end sex? 
10. What kind of aftercare do you like? (That is, when the sexy times do come to a close, how can you support each other to come down from that in a gentle, connected way?  Is there anything your partner should know about how you feel after sex? For example, some people cry, meditate, get very quiet, sleepy, sweaty, etc. and all of that is okay but good to know!)

Plus these basic logistical questions:

1.  When were you last STI tested and what were the results? 
2. How many partners do you currently have and what are your safety practices with them? 
3. Do you want to be non-monogamous or monogamous and how do you like to organize that? 
4. How do you define and communicate around monogamy or non-monogamy? 

To register for the April 12, 2024 30-min webinar on De-Escalating Stress in the Body, for only $10, go to: https://laurajurgens.com/events

Get a free guide to Finding Your Deepest Turn-Ons, plus learn how to work with me at https://laurajurgens.com.

Get a transcript of this episode by going to https://sexhelpforsmartpeople.buzzsprout.com/ Click on the episode, then choose the transcript tab.

Get a free guide to Finding Your Deepest Turn-Ons, plus learn how to work with me at https://laurajurgens.com.

Get a transcript of this episode by going to https://sexhelpforsmartpeople.buzzsprout.com/ Click on the episode, then choose the transcript tab.

So you want to have more orgasms during partner sex? Awesome! 

This is a common goal for female-bodied people and I am 100% here for that. Women have much lower rates of orgasm during partner sex with men than their male-bodied partners do (and fewer orgasms than men think we're having). Lesbians don't have this problem, nor do women of all persuasions during self-pleasure/masturbation. So let's change this situation, starting with you!

We'll cover what's in our way, how to overcome those challenges, and my top 4 tips for having more orgasms during partner sex -- including some important lessons from lesbian sex. 

We'll close as always with an exercise to help you clarify your own path forward.

Get a free guide to Finding Your Deepest Turn-Ons, plus learn how to work with me at https://laurajurgens.com.

Get a transcript of this episode by going to https://sexhelpforsmartpeople.buzzsprout.com/ Click on the episode, then choose the transcript tab.

If you're a person with a penis or partnered with someone with one, this episode will help you understand and solve some very common orgasm challenges for male-bodied people during partner sex: having orgasms sooner than you'd like ("premature ejaculation" or PE) or not at all.

It will help you stop trying to extend your time to orgasm by thinking about something awful and checking out (pro tip: that is horrible advice), and I'll walk you through what actually works instead.

If you have trouble orgasming with a partner, or you’d just like to try some new approaches to orgasm, this episode will also help you with the most common reason for that and how to overcome it.

Plus you may hear a few tips to enhance male orgasms that you may not have tried yet.

Sign up for my email newsletter with free mini-courses, workshop announcements and general love notes for you, and get the Wheel of Erotic Emotions guide to understanding your turn-ons here: https://laurajurgens.com/wheel

Book recommendations mentioned in the episode:

• How to Overcome PE, Please Your Partner & Have Great Sex by Metz & McCarthy
• Making Love Real by Harel & Hirschman (recommend to all people in relationships)
• The Multi-Orgasmic Man by Arava & Chia 

Course recommendation for PE:
2-hour audio course by the Somatica® Method founders: https://www.celesteanddanielle.com/work-with-us/sex-coaching-homework-exercises/control-ejaculation-audio-download/ 

Get a free guide to Finding Your Deepest Turn-Ons, plus learn how to work with me at https://laurajurgens.com.

Get a transcript of this episode by going to https://sexhelpforsmartpeople.buzzsprout.com/ Click on the episode, then choose the transcript tab.

Learn the 8 core principles of consent, why consent competence makes us all sexier and more respectful lovers and human beings, how to share and model consent principles with kids, and some advanced issues around consent for those interested in kink and/or BDSM. 

Here is the basic outline of the 8 core principles of consent:

1. Ask first, rather than just trying or assuming. 
2. Accept that anything that’s not a clear Yes is a No, and that’s ok. 
3. Slow down to find your yes or no, and let the other person have time for theirs. 
4. All honest responses are kind, including No. 
5. Get curious each time: don’t assume a Yes this time is a Yes always. 
6. Be open to offer or receive creative alternatives.
7. Kind people still make mistakes, but they also listen and learn from them.  
8. Checking in afterwards is important. 

Get a free guide to Finding Your Deepest Turn-Ons, plus learn how to work with me at https://laurajurgens.com.

Get a transcript of this episode by going to https://sexhelpforsmartpeople.buzzsprout.com/ Click on the episode, then choose the transcript tab.

This is a special one. It's both vulnerable and also really satisfying. I’m sharing my story of the 8 key processes that helped me heal from dissociation and PTSD that I accrued from various traumas, including sexual assault, child abuse, homelessness, bullying and harassment.

It's never the same path for everyone, but I hope that this episode will inspire you to try out some of these approaches or understand better how to support loved ones. If you are feeling stuck, have genital numbness, feel disconnected from your body and/or your sexuality, are dissociated, depressed/anxious, or lost in people-pleasing (fawning) in your life, sexuality, and relationships -- this is for you. 

I'm sharing the 8 critical steps that helped me heal PTSD and shift into post-traumatic growth, embodiment, and joyful freedom. 

Resources Mentioned:

Vagus Nerve exercises: Get on the newsletter here for the vagus nerve exercise video along with other free resources like the Wheel of Erotic Emotions: https://laurajurgens.myflodesk.com/wheel

The Feelings Wheel

Tara Brach's compassion meditation

Books:

No Bad Parts by Richard Schwartz

The Body Keeps the Score by  Bessel van der Kolk (video synapsis here)

Waking the Tiger, Healing Trauma, and In an Unspoken Voice by Peter Levine

Accessing the Healing Power of the Vagus Nerve by Stanley Rosenberg

Videos:

Peter Levine on Trauma and Somatic Experiencing

Trauma Release Method/ Trauma Release Exercises 

Get a free guide to Finding Your Deepest Turn-Ons, plus learn how to work with me at https://laurajurgens.com.

Get a transcript of this episode by going to https://sexhelpforsmartpeople.buzzsprout.com/ Click on the episode, then choose the transcript tab.

It can be hard to know what to do when you're partnered with someone who is starting to heal from sexual trauma. They may be pulling away sexually. You may be feeling rejected, resentful, and/or disappointed. You may want to support them, but not know how.

Today we’re going to cover the key things you can do to support your partner’s healing and your intimacy together. Four things are oriented specifically towards how you interact with your partner and four are oriented towards supporting yourself.

Join me and let's help you both stay connected and get to the other side.

Get a free guide to Finding Your Deepest Turn-Ons, plus learn how to work with me at https://laurajurgens.com.

Get a transcript of this episode by going to https://sexhelpforsmartpeople.buzzsprout.com/ Click on the episode, then choose the transcript tab.

This episode covers the 3 main arousal styles. Only one is commonly depicted in media, but all are very normal and very common in reality. Most people have one dominant and possibly a secondary. Knowing your arousal style is part of discovering the manual to your own turn-ons and very helpful for communicating with your partner about what you like. 

Get a free guide to Finding Your Deepest Turn-Ons, plus learn how to work with me at https://laurajurgens.com.

Get a transcript of this episode by going to https://sexhelpforsmartpeople.buzzsprout.com/ Click on the episode, then choose the transcript tab.

If you regularly feel ashamed, defensive, less worthy than others, or underconfident -- that's your inner critic at work. You may not realize that an inner critic gone wild isn't just harming you, it's harming your relationships and sex life.

All of us can be mean to ourselves occasionally, but when it's a regular pattern it makes us feel awful, kills our mojo, and undermines our relationships. If you have that pattern, you probably learned it long ago and have been doing it for years. But you don't have to keep the habit. 

This episode unpacks the difference between self-indulgence and true self-compassion. It will show you how to know which you're doing, and how to shift into self-compassion when you most need it.

Stopping the habit of allowing that inner critic to run rampant is a gift to yourself, your loved ones, and super important for great sex and relationships. So join me and get started today. 

Get a free guide to Finding Your Deepest Turn-Ons, plus learn how to work with me at https://laurajurgens.com.

Get a transcript of this episode by going to https://sexhelpforsmartpeople.buzzsprout.com/ Click on the episode, then choose the transcript tab.

This episode helps couples troubleshoot problems around initiating sexy time. In it, I guide you through how to talk over two of the most important topics for you and your partner to cover:

1) How are we dividing up initiation and do we both like the split? If not, what kind of split might feel better to each of us and why?

2) Are the initiation styles we've been using working as well as they can for both of us? How can we improve them?

We'll cover some styles of initiation that can fall flat and why, plus other common pitfalls. I'll also help you distinguish between initiation problems and other sexual challenges in relationships. As always, this episode will emphasize the need to ensure ongoing consent, pleasure, and enthusiasm from each partner, rather than assuming that "initiation" means some sort of foregone conclusion.  

Join me and discover how to troubleshoot your own challenges around initiation today. 

Get a free guide to Finding Your Deepest Turn-Ons, plus learn how to work with me at https://laurajurgens.com.

Get a transcript of this episode by going to https://sexhelpforsmartpeople.buzzsprout.com/ Click on the episode, then choose the transcript tab.

This episode is a must for anyone diving into or interested in dipping a toe into the world of BDSM. We cover everything from basic definitions: what is BDSM? How is it different from kink? What are the differences among Dom(mme)/Sub play, Sadomasochism, and Bondage and Discipline? How do you find a local scene or partners? What are some things to watch out for? What are some of the best things about BDSM and what kind of freedom might you find in that type of sexual play? 

I'm joined by Femme Domme and fellow coach Thistle AKA Coach Rose. You can find her at: https://www.thistleandrosecoaching.com/ or on Fetlife under Coach Thistle. 

Get a free guide to Finding Your Deepest Turn-Ons, plus learn how to work with me at https://laurajurgens.com.

Get a transcript of this episode by going to https://sexhelpforsmartpeople.buzzsprout.com/ Click on the episode, then choose the transcript tab.

Attuning well to your partner feels great for both of you. It enables emotional intimacy, which makes sexy time way better and much more likely to happen. It's also key for the special kind of non-verbal communication required in physical intimacy. But how do we do it well? 

This episode will walk you through how to attune well to your partner. It will also help you avoid the top 3 big things that get in the way of attunement, understand how to differentiate attuning from projecting on someone, and give you a satisfying, easy practice that will help you get great at it. 

Get a free guide to Finding Your Deepest Turn-Ons, plus learn how to work with me at https://laurajurgens.com.

Get a transcript of this episode by going to https://sexhelpforsmartpeople.buzzsprout.com/ Click on the episode, then choose the transcript tab.

Are you feeling disappointed about anything in your relationship or sex life?

Disappointment in relationships and sex is super normal. Some disappointment is because the situation is really not working for us and we need to take some sort of action (like leave, have some tough conversations, or get help). Other disappointments are simply because it's not possible for another person to give us 100% of what we want all the time. 

Today we're taking a look under the hood at this second kind of disappointment. The kind that happens when our partner can't give us everything we want. Everyone runs into this at some point. When we stop resisting our disappointment and start accepting and even laughing at it, we get a lot of our power and energy back. We're better able to stay connected and make good decisions about what realistically needs to change. 

This episode will help you understand and normalize feeling disappointed and frustrated about not getting everything you want. It will help take the burden out of it and give you some ideas about how to let yourself be disappointed without letting it poison your sexual and romantic connections. 

Get a free guide to Finding Your Deepest Turn-Ons, plus learn how to work with me at https://laurajurgens.com.

Get a transcript of this episode by going to https://sexhelpforsmartpeople.buzzsprout.com/ Click on the episode, then choose the transcript tab.

Most of us don’t talk openly and honestly about our relationship and sexual challenges. So it’s no wonder that we look around us at everyone else and assume they are having great sex and easy relationships. Today we're talking about how that mistake can actually harm us. 

We're diving into the incredibly common habit of "Compare and Despair" as it applies to our relationships and sex lives. We'll talk about why you are more normal than you may think, no matter what struggles you're having, and why assuming others are are having better, easier relationships is 1) not true and 2) not helping you. We’ll also talk about how to stop this energy sapping habit, and how that can help you feel better now, while also making it easier to make changes you'd like for your future. 

Get a free guide to Finding Your Deepest Turn-Ons, plus learn how to work with me at https://laurajurgens.com.

Get a transcript of this episode by going to https://sexhelpforsmartpeople.buzzsprout.com/ Click on the episode, then choose the transcript tab.

Whether you’re partnered or not, flirting is such an important skill and one that most people don’t spend nearly enough time learning to do well.  I sure didn't, but I was so excited to learn about how to flirt well. 

This episode will help you understand why it's important to flirt-- including in long-term relationships. Plus, we'll cover how to avoid creepy or needy vibes, how to appreciate people’s looks without de-humanizing them, the 6 key ways to flirt, and how to use grounded sexual energy to make your flirting actually work well for you and your lucky receiver. 

Get a free guide to Finding Your Deepest Turn-Ons, plus learn how to work with me at https://laurajurgens.com.

Get a transcript of this episode by going to https://sexhelpforsmartpeople.buzzsprout.com/ Click on the episode, then choose the transcript tab.

This episode will walk you through the 5 main types of emotional strings we attach to sex that can really tank a couple’s fun together. I'll explain why this can be a hidden, but very common, reason for sexual avoidance. Then I’ll help you inventory this in your relationship and start looking at how to release the weight so you can have more fun, carefree, pleasurable playtime.

Get a free guide to Finding Your Deepest Turn-Ons, plus learn how to work with me at https://laurajurgens.com.

Get a transcript of this episode by going to https://sexhelpforsmartpeople.buzzsprout.com/ Click on the episode, then choose the transcript tab.

When you're struggling with your sexuality, it's important to understand the landscape of help and healing options available. Sexological bodyworkers are one type of sex professional that many people don't know about. They are particularly helpful for certain sex challenges, and can really be helpful for people with numbness, pain, or difficulty achieving orgasm. In today's episode, you'll get to hear an interview with guest Rahi Chun, sex educator, sexologist and sexological bodyworker. Rahi will explain what this field is about, his particular approach, and we'll talk over how to find this kind of practitioner for yourself and what kind of situations you may particularly want to seek out a sex bod.  

Key links:

Rahi's website: https://somaticsexualwholeness.com/

Sexological bodyworker directory: https://sexologicalbodyworkers.org/

More about NeuroAffective Touch (mentioned in episode): https://neuroaffectivetouch.com/about/what-is-neuroaffective-touch/

Get a free guide to Finding Your Deepest Turn-Ons, plus learn how to work with me at https://laurajurgens.com.

Get a transcript of this episode by going to https://sexhelpforsmartpeople.buzzsprout.com/ Click on the episode, then choose the transcript tab.

Today is all about how to build rejection resilience.

How do you deal with rejection by default? How do you feel? How do you actually want to feel? We're going to dive into how to feel better when we don’t get what we want from someone. I’ll share the 4 options for responding to rejection. I’ll break down which ones undermine and which ones support continued connection so you can choose your own adventure in response to rejection. 

Get a free guide to Finding Your Deepest Turn-Ons, plus learn how to work with me at https://laurajurgens.com.

Get a transcript of this episode by going to https://sexhelpforsmartpeople.buzzsprout.com/ Click on the episode, then choose the transcript tab.

It is super hard when you feel stuck in the Big No. You feel like you always have to say no to your partner. You may wish you wanted sex, but the truth is that you don't. There are loads of good reasons for that (see episodes 3 and 4 for many of them!). 

But it also just sucks to feel stuck there, worried about your relationship, worried if you'll ever feel differently. I am not here to tell you to change. In fact, I firmly believe there's nothing wrong with you. You are most likely having a very normal response to whatever the underlying situation is for you. We're not going to solve that in one podcast, but I can give you one simple thing to do to start feeling better. (It does NOT involve telling you to have sex when you don't want to!)
This is a simple and fun game to help you find what your body is a yes to, apart from sex. Check it out. 

Get a free guide to Finding Your Deepest Turn-Ons, plus learn how to work with me at https://laurajurgens.com.

Get a transcript of this episode by going to https://sexhelpforsmartpeople.buzzsprout.com/ Click on the episode, then choose the transcript tab.

Sleeping poorly really impacts your sex life. In today's episode we're going to look at this head-on. This is a super practical episode meant to offer concrete help. 

I'll share effective ways to sleep better, and what is reasonable to expect from yourself and your partner when there are sleep challenges going on. If you or your partner struggle with sleep issues, don't miss this one. 

Here are the 12 things to do to sleep better: 

1. Only use the bed for sleep and sex, and reading non-stressful materials. No tv, eating, phone. 
2. Time your caffeine, alcohol and chocolate ruthlessly. No caffeine 8 hours before bed. No alcohol or chocolate 4 hours before bed, and then only 1 serving. 
3. Exercise earlier in the day and be done by 3 hours before bed. You do need some exercise to sleep well, so don’t skip it, but it doesn’t have to be intense. 
4. Dark, quiet, cool bedroom with no tv. Use either light blocking curtains or an eye mask and ear plugs if you need them. 
5. Use blue-blocking glasses for any screen time in the evening. 
6. Regardless of your glasses, you need to turn screens off an hour and a half before bed. Seriously. Unplug. 
7. Darken your house when it gets dark outside – switch to lamps and led candles, dimmers down – or use amber lenses with blue blocking filters. 
8. Consider very low dose melatonin – like 1 to 3 mg, 1.5 hours before bed.
9. Keep a receiving and wins journal. Write 3 things you received today, and 3 wins each day. This helps your mind go to sleep with abundance rather than anxiety. 
10. Create a bedtime ritual of things that feel good to you. 
11. Get up and go to bed at roughly the same time every day. 
12. If you do wake up or can’t sleep, don’t just let your brain spin out in anxiety. Give it something lovely to do: fantasize, go to a beautiful place in your mind, or get out of bed and journal if you need to. 

Get a free guide to Finding Your Deepest Turn-Ons, plus learn how to work with me at https://laurajurgens.com.

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In this special episode, I let you listen-in on a live session with client Kris (with her permission!). She and I tackle the topic of owning our own emotional desires when we’re in relationship. Think of our emotional desires just like sexual ones. Sometimes we know them, sometimes we don’t. Sometimes we want to ask for something, but we don’t really know how to ask. Or how we’re asking isn’t working – the other person isn’t receiving it the way we mean and we need to try something new. Sometimes we think everyone is wired the same way and of course they “should” know what we want…but just like sexual desires, that’s just not true. So we can’t expect everyone to magically know what feels good to us. This is true for sexual and emotional desires. We’re way way more likely to get what we want for both kinds of desires if we are asking clearly and not making anyone wrong – us or them. 

Notice how great Kris is at embracing the "no one has to be to blame" part. Please don't expect to be a pro so quickly -- she has done a lot of personal growth work to build her capacity!

To try this out at home: 

1. Notice what it is you actually want to FEEL – not just the action you want your partner to take, but how you want to feel. Pick one overwhelmingly desired feeling. 
2. See if you can challenge yourself to make no one wrong – your partner isn’t wrong for not understanding yet and you aren’t wrong for wanting it in the first place. 
3. Ask how can we use this to connect and learn more about each other? How can I share about myself vulnerably here? 
4. Assume that one thing you think they need to do isn’t available or is impossible for whatever reason. Try on sentences or alternative things your partner could say or do to help you get the feeling you want anyway. When I say try it on, I mean really imagine it and see how it feels in your body. 

Get a free guide to Finding Your Deepest Turn-Ons, plus learn how to work with me at https://laurajurgens.com.

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Everyone has an attachment style. Knowing yours will enable you to manage relationships effectively as an adult, not just react at people. You'll feel much more able to communicate your needs, and much more in the driver's seat of your own experience in relationship, if you understand your own attachment style. 

So join me while I break down the main attachment styles. I'll explain how to manage and even avoid conflict in relationships where you have different styles. 

Get a free guide to Finding Your Deepest Turn-Ons, plus learn how to work with me at https://laurajurgens.com.

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This week we're diving into how "shoulds" sneak in and mess up our confidence, relationships, dating, and sex lives. Shoulds come from all kinds of places (society, religion, your grandma, that 2nd grade math teacher who said you had messy handwriting...whatever). They undermine us and our relationships, often subconsciously. Every time you let a "should" in, you're criticizing yourself or others and holding up standards you may not even believe in. Today I share a fun, easy tool to help you clean out your brain and free you up from these unhelpful, cognitive distortions. 

Get a free guide to Finding Your Deepest Turn-Ons, plus learn how to work with me at https://laurajurgens.com.

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What can you do when you really want your partner to know what you want and they just don’t. You keep waiting and they keep not knowing and not doing it. You are disappointed, frustrated, or heartbroken (or all three). This is a recipe for disaster if you stay on the disempowering side of this. Take a listen and learn how to get out of this stuck place and move forward. 

Get a free guide to Finding Your Deepest Turn-Ons, plus learn how to work with me at https://laurajurgens.com.

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Ever want to know what actually happens in coaching sessions? This episode is story time. I’m going to give you a peek inside my office at what we did in several different sessions this week. Through these little stories, you will get a flavor of the kinds of activities we do in my particular coaching practice, and get a sense of the kinds of help available to you as an individual or a couple who wants to have a better love life. Take a listen and discover how progress and solving problems can actually be fun!

Get a free guide to Finding Your Deepest Turn-Ons, plus learn how to work with me at https://laurajurgens.com.

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This episode covers when to see a therapist and when to seek out coaching, strengths and weaknesses of both (because all modalities have pros and cons), and what to watch out for. I'll also go over different types of therapy and different types of coaching, and which versions are good for what situations and challenges, in my perspective. 

This is part of a series of sessions that aim to help you understand the various options for help available to you. 

Get a free guide to Finding Your Deepest Turn-Ons, plus learn how to work with me at https://laurajurgens.com.

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This episode will help you get more creative and relaxed about foreplay. We'll cover why that’s super important for keeping the fire lit in your sex life, and what some of the blocks are to good foreplay. We're also going to dive into what's up with the foreplay deficit in America, the common problem of boring foreplay, and discuss how to overcome the worries and logistical issues that can keep us from getting more exploratory and creative. 

Get a free guide to Finding Your Deepest Turn-Ons, plus learn how to work with me at https://laurajurgens.com.

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This is a special episode, recorded at my home in Asheville, North Carolina, USA in the aftermath of massive devastation from Hurricane Helene. It is for all people dealing with difficult times. In it, I walk you through a calming exercise to help de-escalate anxiety, overwhelm, stress and other challenging, activating emotions. I also talk about how you can help other people through co-regulation. 

Note that there is no explicit content here and it is suitable for anyone. 

Way to help Western North Carolina flood victims directly: 

https://www.BelovedAsheville.com is a well-established local organization that is doing amazing work on the ground and needs support. Venmo link on their website. 

https://www.mannafoodbank.org/ is a long-established local food bank providing food despite having lost their entire warehouse in the flood -- the people and volunteers rallied and have risen to the challenge. 

https://cerfplus.org/ is offering grants to craftspeople and artists who lost everything in the floods. 

Get a free guide to Finding Your Deepest Turn-Ons, plus learn how to work with me at https://laurajurgens.com.

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This episode will help you understand the most common underlying causes of erectile challenges and how to solve them. While drugs can mask symptoms, they don’t actually address the underlying causes of ED. I explain the big missing piece of the ED conversation, which is how relationships, socialized pressure, psychology and emotional situations affect erections. If you have a penis, play with people who do, or just want to be more aware of how to support people who do – this one is for you. 

Note: it is important to know that it's normal for erections to come and go. Do please get checked out by a doctor, especially if you have trouble getting erections all the time, including while masturbating. Consistent ED can be a symptom of underlying health issues. 

Get a free guide to Finding Your Deepest Turn-Ons, plus learn how to work with me at https://laurajurgens.com.

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Do you want to have G-spot or cervical orgasms, but don't know how to get there? This episode is for you! 

Get a free guide to Finding Your Deepest Turn-Ons, plus learn how to work with me at https://laurajurgens.com.

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What is your relationship to physical pleasure? Today is all about investigating this question so you can experience more of it. We'll talk about how you can boost pleasure, dive in to how desire and arousal get confused with pleasure, and how to focus on what really brings deep satisfaction. 

Get a free guide to Finding Your Deepest Turn-Ons, plus learn how to work with me at https://laurajurgens.com.

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Today we’re talking about butt stuff – all things anal pleasure. The rear end is the other half of your pelvis and has loads of nerve endings to enjoy, but it can also be a place of shame, pain and trauma when we aren't careful. I’m going to give you some perspectives on releasing shame and expectations. I'll also cover in detail the Cardinal Rules of Butt Fun so you can stay on the pleasure side of the equation rather than the pain and trauma side. As usual, I’m going to end on an invitation to explore on your own, and this exercise is really important for those of you starting out with butt play, or if you’ve had bad experiences in the past. We'll also cover good butt-safe toys, hygiene, communication, pacing, lube, and all the details to help you be successful – which means every one has fun and no one gets hurt.

Get a free guide to Finding Your Deepest Turn-Ons, plus learn how to work with me at https://laurajurgens.com.

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If you can't figure out why women seem to get turned off by you even though you're a super nice guy -- this episode is for you! We cover how to know if you’re inadvertently creeping out women or turning them off no matter how great a guy you are (and 99% of the people with this issue are cis-gendered hetero men). We'll talk about why that can happen, why it's not your fault (but is something only you can fix), how to stop it, and what’s up if you’re on other end (meaning that you get creeped out or turned off even by wonderful, kind men). 

Get a free guide to Finding Your Deepest Turn-Ons, plus learn how to work with me at https://laurajurgens.com.

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This episode is for all of you that have a hard time talking about sex, even with your partner.  I'll cover the 3 top reasons people struggle to have conversations about sexual desires, needs, and interests. I'll also give you a place to get started in solving these challenges for each one. 

From the episode recommendations, here is a link to the blog post from Somatica Institute on my most highly recommended relationship repair process: https://www.somaticainstitute.com/blog/9-steps-to-successful-relationship-repair/

Get a free guide to Finding Your Deepest Turn-Ons, plus learn how to work with me at https://laurajurgens.com.

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Get started the fun way with strap-ons. Everyone can play with strap-ons and there are loads of reasons you may want to try it out. This episode will guide you through choices of equipment, accessories, positions. It will help you make the decisions that will bring you and your partner the most fun while avoiding painful bad experiences. 

Get a free guide to Finding Your Deepest Turn-Ons, plus learn how to work with me at https://laurajurgens.com.

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Ready to be one of the brave, joyful souls who wrings the most pleasure out of this life? I'm going to help you get there. It's December and that means it's the perfect time for some guided reflection: where are you at with your experience of pleasure and connection in your life? Where do you want to be? This episode will walk you through a self-assessment and help you figure out how to set yourself up for a beautiful new year with more pleasure and connection than ever before. 

Get a free guide to Finding Your Deepest Turn-Ons, plus learn how to work with me at https://laurajurgens.com.

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It's common for people to feel upset and disappointed about having to ask for what you want. This is especially true if you believe you shouldn’t have to ask, and that your partner should "just know" what to do for you (whether that's in bed, in flirting, foreplay communication, or romantic gestures). After all, we see that played out in movies and TV all the time: the magic intuiting of the partner's needs. 

But while it's common to think "they should just know," it also tends to make you feel awful, creates distance and resentment in your relationship, and doesn't help you get what you want.

Tune in to this episode to find out how to free yourself from this belief system and get more of what you're craving.

Get a free guide to Finding Your Deepest Turn-Ons, plus learn how to work with me at https://laurajurgens.com.

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Pelvic and sexual pain is absolutely treatable, even though it can be hard to admit and challenging to find the right help. Join me to hear from pelvic health expert Dr. Susie Gronski. This episode will help you release shame or stigma about pelvic pain, which is very common. Dr. Gronski also explains common struggles with sexual and pelvic pain for both penis and vagina-owners, and helps you navigate the challenges in finding the right professionals to support you.

Meet my guest:

With over a decade of expertise in pelvic and sexual health, Dr. Susie Gronski is a Licensed Doctor of Physical Therapy, Pelvic Health Specialist, AASECT Certified Sexuality Educator, and the founder of a multidisciplinary pelvic health clinic in Asheville, North Carolina. You can follow her on YouTube, where she educates and empowers individuals by addressing taboo pelvic and sexual health topics, actively working to dispel misinformation. To learn more about her and her team, visit drsusieg.com.

Get a free guide to Finding Your Deepest Turn-Ons, plus learn how to work with me at https://laurajurgens.com.

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Conflict is inevitable in close relationships. Doing it well is key to feeling confident, connected, seen, and safe. Many people avoid conflict, or let their default strategies overwhelm them in unhelpful ways. This episode will help you learn to stop avoding necessary conflict and instead use it to get closer and solve problems together. 

Conflict isn’t bad in itself – in fact, it’s really important for intimacy. It is doing conflict badly that is a problem.  I was absolutely terrible at conflict, but I learned and it totally changed my life. You can learn too. I'll walk you through how. 

Click the link below to register for the ROCKING RELATIONSHIP REPAIR Workshop January 24, 2025 with the special code PODFAN to get a $25 ticket!
 
https://www.eventbrite.com/e/rocking-relationship-repair-tickets-1120149891479?aff=oddtdtcreator

Get a free guide to Finding Your Deepest Turn-Ons, plus learn how to work with me at https://laurajurgens.com.

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So many people feel disconnected from their authentic sexuality due to a history of religious repression and shaming. In an ideal world, religion would be universally supportive and comforting. Unfortunately, so many people have had the opposite experience, and wound up with decades of harmful ideas about themselves and their sexuality that they struggle to overcome. In this episode, I interview Lisa, a former client, who emerged from many years of religious shame and repression to discover her own authentic sexuality and access her own capacity for pleasure. Tune in and listen to Lisa's inspiring story. 

To register for the Rocking Relationship Repair workshop, use the code PODFAN for a $25 ticket and register here: https://www.eventbrite.com/e/rocking-relationship-repair-tickets-1120149891479?aff=oddtdtcreator

Get a free guide to Finding Your Deepest Turn-Ons, plus learn how to work with me at https://laurajurgens.com.

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Today I’m going to tell you a really personal story of how I almost quit on my marriage. I’m also going to share one of the most powerful ideas in the world for changing your life and your relationships. That sounds like a giant claim, and it is, but it is also really simple. If you look at the most joyful people who are living the lives they want – you will see this idea at work all the time. It is their defining approach to life, and it’s what enabled me to rescue my relationship. 

Register for the Confident in Connection workshop January 24 here: https://www.eventbrite.com/e/1120149891479?aff=oddtdtcreator
Use code PODFAN to get a $25 ticket

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This episode will explain the best, biggest thing you can do to improve your relationship with your own sexuality this year AND your intimacy with a partner.  This is the one thing most people are NOT doing – and it is FREE. 

That’s right, people will spend loads of money this year trying to spice things up by buying stuff: lingerie, sex toys, vacations, and even sex rooms. But most people will fail to do this one, totally FREE thing that is the biggest game changer of them all, and the most empowering thing you can do to change your sex life. Tune in to discover this secret and how to get started today.  

Get a free guide to Finding Your Deepest Turn-Ons, plus learn how to work with me at https://laurajurgens.com.

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These are the steps to confidence and comfort that work. Tune in to learn the 4 key steps that will take you from anxious and underconfident to a true, deep, felt sense of comfort and capability in sex and intimacy. Frankly, they are not all easy, though some are surprisingly fun. These steps are what my practice is based on and why it's been so effective for my clients. That's why I'm sharing them with you today. 

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This episode takes you inside a transformative conversation about sexual confidence and body trust. My former client Kama shares her raw experience of moving from sexual shame and orgasm challenges to deep embodied wisdom. This conversation goes beyond typical success stories, diving deep into how sexual healing catalyzes growth in all areas of life—from business decisions to personal relationships. 

Kama's story powerfully demonstrates how learning to trust your body's signals and treat yourself with compassion can lead to unprecedented personal freedom.

Whether you're struggling with intimacy issues or simply curious about sex coaching, this authentic dialogue offers valuable insights into the transformation possible when we dare to address our deepest insecurities.

Get a free guide to Finding Your Deepest Turn-Ons, plus learn how to work with me at https://laurajurgens.com.

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Today we're making it easier for you to ask for what you want in your intimate relationships by busting common myths that hold us back. Make your life easier by listening in. 

Special Event Links: 

Libido Mismatch Clarity Hour: walk away feeling better about your capacity to reconcile a libido mismatch in your relationship

Free 1-hour FAQ and Ask the Expert 

February 18, 2025 5-6pm Eastern US time (Zoom option): https://www.eventbrite.com/e/1232092474759?aff=oddtdtcreator

February 19, 2025 6-7pm Eastern US time (phone-in option): https://www.eventbrite.com/e/1232093056499?aff=oddtdtcreator

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If Libidio Mismatch is something you struggle with – you know it can be super hard on relationships. It is very stressful and disconnecting. If it feels like a big deal, it is. Research shows that most of our happiness is tied to how we feel about our relationships – so stress in a primary partnership is devastating to quality of life. It's smart to prioritize solving rifts like this above a lot of other things in your life, because it’s going to make the biggest difference to happiness and enable everything else to feel easier. 

The problem is that it is incredibly hard to find good help on this issue. You need a desire-arousal specialist like me because, frankly, even therapists and doctors aren't trained at all to solve this problem. 

So join me for this episode where we'll dive into what's going on with Libido Mismatch. 

You'll learn:

1. Why it's absolutely possible to solve this problem in most cases (despite a lot of bad advice to the contrary)

2. How blame is part of the problem and it's never one person's fault (in fact, it is no one's fault)

3. The first step to getting free of this stressful issue and finally feeling on the same side with your partner

Register FREE for the Libido Mismatch Clarity Hour and learn the 5 step process to get free of this painful situation Feb 18 & 19th 2025 

February 18, 2025 5-6pm Eastern US time (Zoom option): https://www.eventbrite.com/e/1232092474759?aff=oddtdtcreator

February 19, 2025 6-7pm Eastern US time (phone-in option): https://www.eventbrite.com/e/1232093056499?aff=oddtdtcreator

Get a free guide to Finding Your Deepest Turn-Ons, plus learn how to work with me at https://laurajurgens.com.

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A lot of people want more confidence but are afraid of fake confidence and arrogance. You’re right to be wary of that. It’s not helpful to be falsely confident or arrogant in intimate relationships and sexuality. Today we're going to talk about why, how to avoid fake confidence or arrogance, and how to build real confidence and empowerment instead. We'll talk about why it's the opposite of selfish. I'll also share the path to creating a deep, all-encompassing sense of worth and love-ability. I'll even give you a quick exercise to get you started. 

I absolutely believe you are 100% worthy of love and acceptance exactly as you are -- and I want you to believe that too. It will feel amazing to you and be a gift to everyone in your life. 

Get a free guide to Finding Your Deepest Turn-Ons, plus learn how to work with me at https://laurajurgens.com.

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Lots of folks fantasize about threesomes or group sex, and some of us decide to try it for real. Both can be fun. This episode will guide you through how to have more fun with fantasy and how to make real-life group sex a good experience for everyone. Plus, I'll give you my best tips on how to find other partners and deal with the logistics of setting it up so everyone has a good time. 

If you're interested in threesomes, don't miss this one!

Get a free guide to Finding Your Deepest Turn-Ons, plus learn how to work with me at https://laurajurgens.com.

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