“When our daughter went to school dressed as The Gruffalo (for World Book Day) another child dressed as a Disney princess commented ‘...she’s dressed like a boy’ and my daughter became immediately self-conscious. 

The majority of girls were dressed as Disney princesses, our daughter would probably have been delighted to go as a princess but in my desire to show her an alternative (I’m not a Disney princess fan) I feel like I’ve subjected her to unhelpful comments. She was excited to go as and enjoys dressing up as The Gruffalo at home. 

Is it ok as parents to encourage our kids not to feel like they need to be like everyone else?

I’m currently in control of buying costumes and toys and veer toward gender neutral (she’s nearly 4 years old) am I hindering her emotional development by not buying into the Disney princess world? Am I being too controlling? 

Even when she dresses up like a Disney character (Moana) I encourage her to say ‘I’m a superhero princess’. I want her to feel there are no limits on who she can be. I’d love it if she grew up to be whatever made her happy; if this is DJ-ing on the Island of Ibiza, brilliant! 

I desperately want her to never feel she needs to follow the crowd but don’t want to be an overly controlling mother and subject her to unhelpful small minded comments.” 

Here’s the story we discuss this week:

“How can we remove the words ‘guilt’ and ‘failure’ from the parenting lexicon? I’m sick of reading about Mother’s Guilt as if it’s a norm. The manner in which motherhood is depicted these days is not doing motherhood itself any favours. The struggle to find time. The importance of self-care. Both valid but not worthy of guilt! Enough already.”

Lisa mentioned the book Maternal Desire by Daphne de Marneffe

Here’s the (edited) story we discuss this week:

“I divorced the father of my son about 20 years ago (my initiative). Our son was hurt in a car accident and got whiplash after that .He needed orthopedic treatment , medications and so on. He wanted to get off from the cold winter here in the Northern hemisphere and wished to live in the Southern hemisphere.  That worked for 2 years as his father supported our son to have an ordinary cheap living there . But then his father refused to help (even though he has a lot of money) and this is his only child.

Then our son starts to be a lot worse, lost hope, silenced and so on. I tried to cooperate with my former husband as I believed it was the only way. It took a long time for me to see that his father had become worse, even more egotistical than when we were married and to me it looked as trauma bonding with the message ‘I’ll help You only if You will Be as I want you to be’. 

His father started to try to get our son into psychiatric treatment, just as he was hunting him, he negatively defined every move he made, he infiltrated our sons’ friends ... I left because I could not be a part of that ,and we don’t live close. 

What could I have done to not have get hooked up again in the old destructive patterns? I didn’t want me or my son to be dependent on my selfish former husband – who only looks to his own welfare in everything. Should I just have stayed away, stepped aside , not got involved? 

Our son has now disappeared, we do not know where he is. Now I am afraid that he felt that he didn’t think he could trust me. My main question is ‘How could I best have supported my son when he was ill and totally dependent on his fathers’ money to survive - when I myself have a low income?’

Here’s the (edited) story we discuss this week:

“I guess I write as a daughter and a mother at the same time. Almost two years ago my mother had a financial crisis and the only solution I saw at the time was to offer her to live with us until she could figure things out. 

She is 70, very active and independent so she struggled to share the space with us. We also struggled, our youngest son moved to our room so we lost privacy and intimacy as a couple. Also my mother is an extrovert and my husband and I introverts so she felt rejected when she wanted to chat about her social life while we just wanted to sit down together (just the two of us) with a glass of wine and listen to some music at the end of the day. 

We all made an effort to tolerate one another for a little more than a year until she bought a house that was under construction. The construction was delayed and she needed to wait months before moving in. 

My youngest son needed his own space and we needed our marriage back desperately so I offered my mother to help her to find a cheap place where she could live while she waited for her house. She accepted but took the whole thing as a rejection from my husband who by the way made a huge effort to accommodate to her in his own way but wasn't what she expected. 

I felt all the time in between them and I was exhausted, there were times where they didn't even speak to each other in a passive aggressive dance that was draining for me. 

She found a room for rent in a friends' house, and my family and marriage recovered the lost space. However she suffered because of this decision, she feels unwanted in this new place too and I feel guilty about what happened. The relationship between her and my husband is now damaged probably forever.” 

Here’s the story we discuss this week:

“My 5 year old son wants to use the tablet to play games constantly. I let him play on it when I am nursing his baby brother because I can't give him attention then but he constantly asks me for it and I often find myself giving in.

Yesterday I got so fed up I hid the tablet but I found him playing on it and when I asked him about it he hid it behind his back and lied that he didn’t have it. I have never known him to lie so brazenly before. It disturbs me because he behaves like an addict and I feel like a drug dealer in control of supply. I absolutely hate it.

In general I feel rubbish at setting boundaries. I have no idea what rules to set and how strict to be and feel like I am just making things up as I go along. I know how important consistency is and yet I just can't seem to manage.

We have similar issues with snacking. I am also not good with boundaries and self regulation myself and often overeat. I had mixed messages around rules growing up. My mum was a single parent and very laid back. I had few rules and was allowed to do pretty much whatever I wanted. For example I could eat whatever I wanted whenever I wanted and as I got older I could smoke and swear in the house with no consequence. My grandparents on the other hand where I spent a lot of my childhood were super strict disciplinarians. I long for the middle ground but feel lost and like a failure.

I just want to do the best for my children and control these situations properly but I don't know how. I would so appreciate some advice. Thank you.”

“My child is very anxious about the coronavirus. 

I'm a nurse and she doesn't want me to go to work. I take all the precautions and I have explained this to her but she just becomes more anxious if we speak about it. 

Should we speak about it? 

She has episodes of crying and anxiety at night when I'm away working.”

Here’s the story we discuss this week:

“My oldest son is incredibly academically gifted. School just comes easily for him, and it always has. The trouble is, he doesn’t really care about anything. I see other kids his age going after big goals, and my child just doesn’t seem motivated at all. He has so much talent, but he’s just not using it!

This is hard for me, because I have been very ambitious as long as I can remember. It’s just how I’m wired. I think I’ve been waiting for him to find something he really cares about so that he will apply himself, but I am beginning to think I just have to accept that this is who he is.

It is very hard to watch.”

“I come from a close family. My parents have been involved in all aspects of my children’s lives and are extremely special to them. I have one adult sibling who has special needs and is cared for exclusively by my aging parents. At the time of his birth, it was common for children with special needs to be placed in an institution rather than raised at home. My parents never considered this and have proudly fulfilled his every need without assistance. It has always been a fact of life that I would take over his care when my parents could not continue. I willingly accept this and have made preparations.

My husband and I are now experiencing the freedom of the empty nest, as our children are away at university. The last few years have been incredibly stressful, as one of our sons out of the blue and with no warning began identifying as female during high school after a history of anxiety and depression. We have never told my parents. They have so much to deal with already and it would be cruel to put them through the worry and fear they’d undoubtedly feel. So, for the past few years, they have been unaware of their grandchild’s double life. Our son has never told them and interacts with them as the grandson they know and love.

At this time in my life I am reflecting on parenthood and enjoying a return to individuality as I explore my own goals and passions without the soccer games, swim team, and band practices. Only now do I realize the sacrifices my mother has made by committing her life to my brother. I would love to connect more deeply with my mother, who recently said to me that she wished we could be better friends. Her grandchildren are the light of her life. How can I nurture a deeper “woman to woman” relationship while keeping a secret that consumes my own life? I feel guilty for not being more helpful over the years as I raised my own children, and for enjoying this new freedom that she can never have. She and my father have recently fallen into poor health. If ever it existed, the window for adding any further stress to their lives has closed, as they are now navigating the medical system and an uncertain future. It breaks my heart that she has felt in recent years that I was too busy for her when in reality I have needed her very much but distanced myself in order to protect her.

Lisa and Stella, thank you for reading my story. I understand that it may not make it into an episode of the podcast, but it still brings me comfort to know you’ve heard it :) Thank you both for what you’re doing for mothers everywhere.”

“I hit my daughter today. I slapped her in a rage. She looked frightened of me.

This girl presses my buttons every day. The other two kids, my boys, are so much easier.

Any yet I get on with my daughter best. When we’re good, we’re very, very good but when we’re bad, we’re rotten.”

“I‘m scared that I won't heal fast enough I grew up with difficult family circumstances and a complete emotional neglect. In my early twenties I had five years of psychoanalysis and worked through my childhood experiences. For the first time in my life I felt truly accepted and understood; I thought I was healed.

A few years later I got married and we started a family, I was overwhelmed with joy and gratitude after our first child was born. As our family grew the demands became bigger; stress and exhaustion accumulated, and I discovered that the parenting model that I experienced is still inside me and very alive. This came as a huge shock and a surprise and with enormous guilt, shame and negative self-talk around it.

 I started doing everything in my power to be kinder, less reactive and triggered, I spend every spare second listening or reading something that might help me on my journey and I started seeing a therapist again (due to the financial and time situation only once per month though). I want nothing more but to be kind and loving mom, support my kids emotional needs and my kids to remember the joy and delight in my eyes when I’m with them, and yet I feel like I’m failing them every day.

I don’t know if I can heal fast enough to be the mom that they need.”

Lisa mentions the book ‘Playful Parenting’ by Laurence Cohen https://g.co/kgs/uEhu2F

while Stella mentions the book ‘All Joy and No Fun’ by Jennifer Senior https://g.co/kgs/D91Lzu

Here’s the story we discuss this week:

“My only child has severe paranoid schizophrenia and also borderline personality disorder. I did everything possible to keep her safe, medicated and in her own apartment for 10 years. The stress of dealing with her threats and terrifying behavior eventually destroyed my health. Two years ago she abandoned her apartment and she has been on the streets ever since. For the first time since she was born, I am now trying to take care of myself. Taking care of me is very hard. I know I need to do it, but I don't know how. This is something I will work on for the rest of my life. The only person I have is me so I need to treat me better. I have a plan in place. I found a counsellor who does trauma therapy for people with (developmental, complex, core) trauma. I have a high "aces" score so I had my own significant childhood trauma issues which were never healed. I start counselling this week. Please wish me luck or send me blessings. I can use all the help I can get.”

Stella mentions the Philip Larkin poem called This Be the Verse.

Lisa mentions a quote from James Hollis which can be found in his book Mythologems. He says “[The parents] were there at the beginning, they were the mediators of all experience with the larger world, and diffused or intensified the inherent trauma through which this life is experienced.” p. 43.

“My daughter is almost four, and I still put her to be by lying down with her at night. I love the sweetness of lying there with her at the end of the day. I work full-time so these moments of connection feel very precious. Many times, I fall asleep as well and often wind spending the night with her. She seems to sleep better when I stay with her at night. The truth is, I love sleeping and cuddling with her.

My husband says that it is time she goes to sleep by herself. He is annoyed that I don't sleep with him, but I feel he is being selfish. This time with her won't last forever, and I love sharing a bed with my toddler.”

Here’s the story we discuss this week:

“Something I found hard becoming a mom was realizing how wrong my parents were in how they had raised me and how hard it is to break those cycles. 

My father being tyrannical. Only spanking and ridding me of my responsibilities was his way of handling things. I didn’t have a mother, only step parents. One was very angry carrying a lot trauma. She had to of for abusing me like she did. I remember having to urinate in a corner of my room because she wouldn’t let me out. She would also feed me in my room. There was a time burned in my brain of me crying under my bed begging for my father to come home. That lasted a long time until my father found someone new around high school. 

I realized as my son got older, how I felt about my actions and reactions to his behavior. It wasn’t healthy. I felt like my malevolent evil step mother sometimes, or my impatient tyrannical father. My son is almost five now. My family gives me a lot of criticism for being “laid back” for not spanking my children and using their methods of fear and force. I’ve been listening to a lot of parenting podcasts and reading books to learn patience. I’ve also sought therapy to sift through the leftover trauma that was done unto me that I wasn’t really even aware of until I became a parent myself. Breaking learned parenting style has proven to be of the utmost rewarding thing I’ve done. I will forever strive to give my son the respect and love that I never had.”

Here’s the (edited) story we discuss this week:

“How do I tell my children that their mum and dad are splitting up? My husband will be very difficult and immature about our split. He had an affair. He holds the purse-strings. Should I tell the kids about the affair? If I don’t they will hate me for wrecking the family.”

We mention Olly Lambert’s documentary ‘Mum and Dad are splitting up’ and this can be seen on: https://vimeo.com/72560382

Here’s the story we discuss this week:

“I’m a happy working part time married mom of a little one-year-old girl. I work from home and she is minded by her Nanny, my mom, while her daddy is working full-time. I love spending time with her. I love shopping and walking with her. She is so funny.”

Here’s the story we discuss this week:

“I once shared a story with my daughter (age 14) of a time when my work friends and school friends somehow ended up having a party together and I found myself having a hard time figuring out how to behave. It was not until this moment I realized I altered my personality a bit to fit with the group of friends I was currently with. I had intended her to understand some variants are okay. She seems to have taken this as being able to be wholly different people all together.

With extended family she likes to hang out with the older female cousins, do hair and nails and, while always invited, does not go out with the male cousins. At home she appears happy and at ease. She willingly calls herself daughter, sister and woman. She seems to spend time looking into feminist activism. She likes to be physically close, hugged and snuggled with. In public she will hold my hand and will rest her head on my shoulder. It is obvious she needs me and likes me close.

At Girl Scouts, kids she has known since kindergarten, she will start out the meeting with a lowered voice and a brutish type of stance. As the meeting continues she starts to relax and behaves closer to how she behaves at home. After she had taken on a transgender identity she joined Girls Inc (her insistence). Our chapter currently has two transwomen in top positions. With this organization I have seen her name tag to show she uses they/them pronouns if I am not present at that activity. At school she uses a ‘chosen’ name and he/him pronouns with her friends and with drama club, but I believe still female within classes. She attempts to lower her voice whenever she is with school friends. All of her friends are female with some male acquaintances.

I believe it is within this environment she starts to portray me as a villain. If I volunteer she and all of her friends will avoid me. Online she is fully male and I am so unsafe I worry her online friend’s parents may have reason to believe they should call family services on me. It is through her online friend and school friends she was able to sneak a purchase of a chest binder, something I happened to find within days of her purchase and took away. (NOTE: on the weekends or anywhere away from school she’ll occasionally wear shirts which accentuate her breasts.)

I understand an alter ego can help a person in situations where they feel uncomfortable. I can see she has adopted this alter ego in attempt to develop peer relationships. Although I worry this is reaching an unhealthy level. She adopted this alter ego after three years of her trio friendship became a duo, leaving my daughter out. After she lost her online friend of four years (who we’d meet up with every year or so in real life). Also, at this time, only about 1% of her elementary school moved up to her middle school. All her friends went to the other middle school. She has an alpha personality, seeks to always be the teacher’s pet, needs to be a know-it-all and to always be right. She is above average-intellect and, as some adults describe, has an old-soul. I can see how these traits may annoy her peers and prevents many to get too close.

The only friend she has had where she was very close to was the online friend she had from 2nd to 5th grade. While they were 100s of miles away they were able to pull off sleep overs and such through their iPods and Netflix. This friend has been replaced by another online friend who talks to her about getting on hormones and to seek surgery. If my daughter talks about doing stuff as an adult without transitioning, this online friend convinces her it would be to her demise. This online friend, as far as I can tell, does not identify as transgender, but has friends who do and her mother is proud of her inclusiveness. We are again in a phase where only about 1% of her middle school will be going to her high school, where she will reconnect with many elementary school friends. I am hoping to find ways this summer to strengthen her confidence when it comes to peers so she can start high school as herself and not as this alter ego. She knows I know about the transgender identity, but does not like to have any conversations regarding it. If I ask questions she’ll answers curtly and beg to change the subject.”

We discuss Stella’s documentary Trans Kids – It’s Time to Talk

“I'm a single mom and I've always worked full time while raising my kids. 

My youngest is graduating from high school this year and I've been anticipating the empty next stage of life with mixed emotions. I've known it will be tremendously sad, but at the same time, I'm looking forward to having more time to myself for the first time in over two decades. 

Now with the coronavirus, it looks possible that he won't be leaving for college in the fall and I am feeling very disappointed about this. I know he is disappointed as well. 

My sense of disappointment feels selfish. It's hard to admit to friends and family who assume I'm happy to have him home with me for longer.”

“I would like to hear your thoughts on how parents can speak about the elephant in the room. 

My daughter is 15 and we have experienced school refusal for some years now. The lockdown has been great for her and she has enjoyed it. And yet. I know we, as a family, have colluded in her avoidance of any difficult  subjects. 

She rules the household.  If something comes on the TV and she doesn’t like it, we switch it off. We are pretty much forced to focus on the positive of everything. 

She suffers from anxiety and I hate to upset her. However the whole family is walking on eggshells around her. 

To be honest, I don’t think this approach has improved her. She now believes that can’t cope with anything difficult and yet, as a child, she was able to cope with lots of different things. 

I am worried about what will happen when school begins in September and we are forced to confront the school refusal and the fact that my child has narrowed her world.

I myself am coping with the death of my mother and my father’s ongoing health problems and so I’m finding it stressful to only speak about life in a positive way. It’s all a mess and yet from the outside we look like a happy bouncy family.”

Here’s the story we discuss this week:

“When my first boy was born, I was so overwhelmed and confused about everything. My boy Is a sensitive child and until today he needs a lot of reassurance and I did not understand why during the first months. I was so exhausted with breastfeeding and lack of sleep and just overall holding and hugging all the time. One night my husband and I decided to let the baby cry to sleep since so many parents and "well intentioned" advisors were insisting us to try it out. I was just seating there watching my boy on the monitor screaming like crazy. I was crying too. It really was too much for me so I went in the room and tried to grab his hand and put my hand in his chest to calm him down. He was so desperate for touch and holding. I was sad. I did not hold him until later but I stayed there with my hand in the crib. Until now that he is eight he has catastrophic thoughts about must things in his life: that he is going to be alone in difficult situations, that we are going to leave home without him, that we won't pick him up from school, etc. Sometimes I wonder if that night we made a terrible mistake that we cannot fix, no matter how many times we have been reassuring him since then when we realized that this parenting style was not ours. It breaks my heart. We keep reassuring him but I keep wondering if his fears are rooted in that early experience.”

Here's an article about sleep training.

“My 12 year-old is leaving school this year and now, with the Coronavirus, she won't have any of the ceremonial endings that seem to important to her. I know it's all half-fabricated and there are a lot of much bigger problems in the world, but for my girl it seems like a big deal. 

I don't really feel she's ready to go to secondary school yet and I thought all these graduations, confirmations, and end of school ceremonies would adjust her mind as she sets off into her teenage years. 

I'm interested to hear any ideas or thoughts about this - I wonder are there fairy tales or metaphors that we could use to help provide my daughter with a narrative of her new life? 

Should we have our own ceremony or is that pretty mad?”

“We still get together and we all talk on chat threads and the laughter is there, but that intense, bump-up-against-each-other, kind of existence was way too short. It SEEMED to last forever, but it didn't. And it will never happen again. And I miss it.”

Here’s the story we discuss this week:

“My children are adults, but as you can see by their ages, I had them all very close together. My oldest was 5 when my fourth child was born.
It was a chaotic, riotous couple of decades. There was yelling, laughing, laundry, crying, school projects, summer vacations, holidays, so-many-questions, and all of it happened in such a condensed period of time. There was so much LIVING.
And then they were gone. All gone. They were out on their own. Their dad died. Everyone lives somewhere else.
We still get together and we all talk on chat threads and the laughter is there, but that intense, bump-up-against-each-other, kind of existence was way too short. It SEEMED to last forever, but it didn't. And it will never happen again. And I miss it.”

“I regret having children. I have 4 of them. I don’t have any support. I’m a lone parent and my family see my kids as my responsibility. Two of my children have special needs and I wish that I could just turn back time.

I wonder every day why I had my children. I am against abortion and that was why I had my first. I have felt this way for 18 months now – since my husband left me. And I don’t know what to do.”

Lisa mentions this book ‘Regretting Motherhood: A Study by Orna Donath’ and it can be found here: https://www.amazon.com/Regretting-Motherhood-Study-Orna-Donath/dp/1623171377

My 13 year-old daughter is overweight and I don't know how to handle this. 

We have always had food problems in the family as  my husband has battled with his weight all his adult life. He is a great cook and I also battle with my weight. My daughter doesn't really care about her weight and just wants to be free to enjoy her food. I find it a huge burden to try to manage her weight as well as my own and I'm becoming resentful. I've always been very careful to talk about 'health' and not 'food' or 'weight' but it is failing. She is very confident and declares that she is skinny. She knows she's not skinny so she is just being defiant in the face of pressure to conform to  her super-skinny friends. 

I just don't know how to handle it, she is at an age where she can access food so my control over the issue is diluted. Until now I watched her  like a hawk and kept her weight in check but now, finally, just as she has more freedom to eat more, she has suddenly tipped into being overweight for the first time in her life. 

It's not a lot overweight but it is there. I don't know what to do - please help! 

“I’m on the verge of empty nesting & watching both kids launch into life. My son left 2 years ago & has derailed into intoxicants & cigarette smoking. He works full time & has quit college.

How do you make sense of this when he has not been modeled intoxicants as a lifestyle (& we live a fairly healthy lifestyle)- but came from a family where there’s rampant alcoholism & drug addiction?

It has triggered all things I thought I left behind- when is experimentation in late teens just experimentation & not a threat of addiction? He’s currently addicted to cigarettes- not sure what else is going on.

I’m trying to relax but honestly I’m terrified he’s heading into his genetic propensity for addiction regardless of his upbringing.”

Here’s the story we discuss this week:

This is part of the story when I could have used help.
I was under a tremendous amount of stress. My marriage was in major trouble, my mother was having mental health issues and leaning heavily on me, we were having massive financial problems, and I had just given birth to my 2nd child, who has special needs. She was having feeding difficulty and had colic which made her cry for hours a day.

I started to have terrible intrusive thoughts about hurting my kids. One day, I basically broke down. I was so terrified that I would follow through on the intrusive thoughts that I went to the hospital.

The hospital admitted me to the psych ward, involuntarily. Because it was a holiday weekend, what should have been a 24 hour hold turned into 6 days in the hospital because no psychiatrist was available to see me. When I was finally able to see a psychiatrist, he spoke such heavily accented english that I couldn’t understand his question. He ended up labeling me homicidal even though the worst thing I said that I feared I’d do was spank my toddler.

I really needed someone to tell me that intrusive thoughts were part of postpartum depression and anxiety and that having the thoughts didn’t mean I would follow through with them.
I wish there was a way to go in and amend my medical record to remove the “homicidal” diagnosis. I also wish I had had more support. My husband didn’t feel that he could take time off work to help me recover after my 2nd c-section, I had no family near that could be trusted, and didn’t feel comfortable asking my new friends, most of whom were childless, for support.”

Lisa and Stella mention Brooke Shields’ book ‘Down Came the Rain: My journey through postpartum depression’ https://books.google.ie/books/about/Down_Came_the_Rain.html?id=J23wnk7XWR4C&source=kp_book_description&redir_esc=y

A year ago, my 16 year old son told us he is transgender. I was completely shocked, as he is not particularly feminine.

My son was very emotional and begged us to allow him to use puberty blockers or estrogen. We managed to delay his pursuit through distraction and some bargaining, though I often feel like I'm lying to him or manipulating him.

We are now in social isolation due to the coronavirus lockdown. My son actually seems happier than he has all year and, out of the blue, he went on a three hour walk with a girl, who he says he's now dating.

My question is, what do I do next? Should I ask him if he's still transgender?

I feel like I'm walking on a tightrope with him but, is this just what it's like to raise a teenager?”

In this episode Lisa mentions the book,  “Hold on to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers” by Gordon Neufeld & Gabor Maté: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Hold-Your-Kids-Parents-Matter/dp/0375760288

“I never thought this will happen to me. I had a family, we were not perfect together but it worked and we were good at raising our sons. I still wonder how my husband as a stay-home dad found the time and the space to cheat on me. He even brought the woman to my house under the excuse that they were working on an art project together, she was around our kids and met me! So many lies.... and I thought we had an honest relationship, that we were partners, I trusted him completely. 

It's been 2 months since he moved out. For my youngest son the separation has brought some benefits, he is more independent and tantrums have improved, I think my husband was smothering him a bit, he could be overprotecting. For my oldest son it has been harder, he asks so many questions about what happened and I actually follow the advice I heard on this podcast about speaking with him about his father's affair. It helped him when I told the truth with a neutral stand, thanks for that episode! 

They have a very close relationship with their father and sometimes I felt that I had to compete for the same kind of relationship with the kids, however the separation has allowed me to have the space at the end of the day to just enjoy each other’s company and build a different relationship than the one we use to have and I like that. 

I try to keep in mind that they need their father since he has been very involved in their lives since they were babies but at the same time I have to make changes around the house and in our logistics because he simply doesn't live with us anymore. 

It is very hard to overcome the betrayal, the hurt and the broken heart when you have to still see him and talk to him almost every day. I don't want to introduce massive changes in the kids’ lives but the truth is that I would just love not to see him anymore for the rest of my life. I know that this is not possible and every time I see him I feel that I take a step back in my process of continuing on with my life. I don't want to depend on him to take care of the kids while I work full time and I'm trying to take more time to find alternative solutions but is terrible hard for me. I do it for my sons because if it were for me I would banish him from my life for good today.”

Here’s the (edited) story we discuss this week:

“I dislike my daughter. She is 15. She is a troublemaker, a liar and sly. When she was small she was a good, kind, nice girl with beautiful manners. She is in the middle, with an older and younger brother.

She grabs every chance she gets to make trouble. She causes fights all the time. She causes such fights so that holidays are now undoable.

She says that we pick on her. But I’m scared to even say ‘How are you?’ to her. She said she was bi. Now she says she is gay. Everything she does is attention-seeking.”

 A year ago when our ADD student daughter then aged 21 revealed to my husband and myself that she was on a waiting list to have cross sex treatment, our 16-year-old son took the role of her trans ally. My husband said he would tolerate her having a partial mastectomy. My family doctor referred me to Mermaids. I called them and found there was no space for parents to feel grief, only acceptance.

I thought the world had gone mad and I should take my exit. 

Since then a lot has happened, a lot of shouting, a lot of crying, nights alone in hotel rooms when I couldn't bear to be in the house with my husband and son. I then made huge efforts to find other parents who felt the same and bring them together. My husband and son seem to have changed their tune and don't now support my daughter's position. 

I worry about our daughter's welfare when our time has ended but don't trust her decision making. I want her to have a roof over her head where she may not be able to manage a home herself. I have got a lawyer to draft up a family trust which becomes active when we die, to be managed by our son and my younger brother and family, stipulating any help will stop if she uses money to advance any physical transitioning or furthering of the trans ideology. Though he seems to be growing up well, has a long-term sweetheart where they are smitten with each, it's putting a lot of pressure on our son where he isn't yet an adult.

Links: 

• Lisa’s patreon about ROGD: https://www.patreon.com/LisaMarchiano
• The Samaritans will provide free support for anyone experiencing suicidal thoughts or emotional distress: www.samaritans.org 
• Father saying good bye to his son at college: https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/michael-gerson-saying-goodbye-to-my-child-the-youngster/2013/08/19/6337802e-08dd-11e3-8974-f97ab3b3c677_story.html 

“I worry that my boy is not very clever and I am secretly embarrassed and ashamed about this. 

My family is over-invested in achievement and especially educational achievement and the cousins' fabulous exam results are continuously talked about within our family WhatsApp. 

It is very distressing to feel ashamed of my boy who is both kind and funny. 

I'm not sure how I should navigate this - should I just declare that he isn't 'academic' and thereby lead the rest of the family to make insinuations that he is a bit stupid? Although I don't equate intelligence with qualifications, everyone else does. Or should I continue to not speak about his exam results - even though this is not working and I know the family has silently decided he is a bit stupid? 

To be perfectly honest, I am very disappointed that he is not bright and competent in school and I wish he was. 

I know we should love the child we have and not wish them to be different but I can't help having these thoughts.”

Here’s this week’s story:

“Discussions and articles seldom mention parents bringing up children with disabilities, in particular non-verbal children. We don't belong to the club of normal family life. It’s a lonely with no shared norms.”

We reference the poem Welcome to Holland.

Here’s the story we discuss this week:

“My 17 year old, has undiagnosed high-functioning Autism, a high IQ, a history of school refusal, debilitating homesickness, anxiety and addictive behaviour; however, it was his Rapid Onset Gender Dysphoria that broke me.

I felt like my 12 year old and me were submitted to basic narcissistic abuse.

As a mother, I feel he's done a rabbit hole and I have to wait if he ever comes out, hopefully unscathed.

As a woman, I feel angry that gender stereotypes are relevant enough for him to want to annihilate who he is.

As a human being I feel broken, empty, lonely, guilty and unable and unwilling to move on.

For the sake of my 12 year old, I need to find a way to re-engage in motherhood. Any tips??”

Stella mentions the Philip Larkin quote ‘What will survive of us is love’ which is taken from ‘An Arundel Tomb’: https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/47594/an-arundel-tomb

Here’s the story we discuss this week:

“The long story would be a book but the short story goes something like this. 

When my daughter was 16 she moved in with her out of work boyfriend. Two months later she was pregnant with her first child and this is when the domestic violence began. I begged her to come home and leave but she chose to stay, although she did escape a couple of times and the police and courts were involved due to the beatings she received whilst being pregnant. 

This all happened 16 years ago and today it feels like she died back then although I never gave up trying to contact her despite her silent replies. And so I embarked on therapy myself, including reading, studying domestic violence and personality disorders in great depth. Occasionally, when I did bump into her without him in tow I would ask her to go for a coffee and try to talk to her about what had happened between us but she wouldn’t listen. I have two daughters and she stopped talking to her younger sister too, which continues to cause pain. 

What hurts so much is that I’m estranged from my own mother as she was from hers. For context, I’ve been working as a psychotherapist for 25 years and have explored my heartache in many ways, including unpacking dreams, studying myths, family constellation workshops and everything else I can think of to ease the pain and move towards acceptance. 

The reason I’m writing is because nobody ever talks about the heartbreak of estrangement between a mother and a daughter and how some wrongly assume that there must be something inherently wrong with the family, and yet this is not the case as my daughter was loved, encouraged and nurtured throughout her childhood. Sixteen years later my daughter remains in the same relationship and has had subsequent children and still doesn’t talk to us. Thank you for reading.”

Stella mentions the Nancy Griffith song ‘The Speed of the Sound of Loneliness’ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QNBeP8dzYdg

“I'm feeling incredibly disconnected from my kids right now.

I'm the main breadwinner and my husband stays home with them. When they were little, I stayed home with them and I loved it, but now I am spending most of my time at work. To be honest, I like it that way.

When I come home at the end of the day, I find the chaos and noise distressing. My work is very gratifying at the moment and I am receiving a lot of recognition after putting in a lot of hard work over many years.

My work has "juice" for me now while parenting just feels hard and draining.”

“My ex transitioned to a woman 4 years ago and I am concerned about the impact this is having on my children. They meet her every week but the emphasis is always on my ex – how she is now a woman; the latest clothes she has bought and how they fit her etc etc.

My children love my ex very much but I fear that they are silently confused and afraid to discuss their distress out of loyalty to their ‘Dad’.

I don’t know what to do and I don’t know how to handle this.

“Any advice for a 14 year old son who won't stay at home during the coronavirus lockdown? I have a husband who is considered vulnerable. 

When we first went into lock down he was willing to stay at home then he got bored after a few days and started disappearing. I rang the school and they said I have to parent my own child but how can I make him stay in when he refuses to do anything I ask? 

My friend told me to ring the police every time he goes. I just don't know what to do.” 

Stella  mentions the film “My child the rioter” in this episode : http://www.ollylambert.com/mychild

Here’s the story we discuss this week:

“I had my beautiful son when I was 32. We tried for 2 years to conceive.

When I was 6 months pregnant I was forced to leave his father because of his drinking. He drank a lot because Ireland’s economy crashed and he lost his job.

When my son was 6 my son’s father was killed in a car crash, my Dad was dying of bowel cancer, he passed away 8 months later. These bereavements have impacted being a mother hugely.

At this point in my life I have lost who I am.”

“I screwed up when raising my first child. I am still not quite sure what has been going wrong. I do a lot to figure out how to be a good parent and work hard to understand her. I read tons of books, listen to podcasts, took child development classes at the community college, and do personal work. But I have not been able to get things right with this super bright, stubborn, independent and strong willed child with a highly sensitive nervous system.

Adults who meet her are thoroughly impressed by her self possession and sophistication. But she came out of the womb scowling at me like she knew I was going to do it wrong. When she first began to read, she picked up my parenting book, read through it and declared that I did it all wrong. She also told me around age 7, that I want people to think I am a good parent but I am just faking it. There was a lot of yelling at her at an early age as she seemed a lot older than she actually was--she had complex sentences before 16 mths old. And as she grew, there was more yelling as I didn't know what to do with this very powerful, mercurial, very demanding, and spacey child. In addition, I was more stressed and probably depressed as an early parent and my partner wasn't a very good help. I realize I lacked warmth, playfulness and the relaxed affect she probably needed. I tried to foster closeness and do mother-daughter activities, but she was fairly withering and dismissive of my attempts.

She is a teenager now but her personality and attitude now is as much as it was as young child. She has resented me since she was little and she is now 15 and oozes disgust for me from every crevice. She has also developed anxiety and has some neurotic tendencies which seem due as much to her wiring as to my misattuned parenting. Furthermore, she is easily distracted and has problems with follow through (ADHD or willful disobedience?) so I feel I have to be very rigid and have firm boundaries or else things go awry.

Her younger brother has a very different, more resilient personality. He is happy go lucky, easy to connect with, playful and much less emotionally intense but no less curious, independent and bright. He also has a big personality and is by no means trying to be the "good child," but I figured out how to meet his needs early on so there is far less conflict. I don't have to be as restrictive with him as he is more cooperative, self regulating emotionally vulnerable, and has good follow through. The difference in their relationships with me is very obvious. She has played the role of the "problem" child all this time, even though I try to attend to her (maybe even more) as much as I attend to him. She sees the differences and believes it to be an issue of us liking him better, rather then him just being easier. She loves her brother but I am the lightening rod for both her pain and unreasonable demands. How do I change this dynamic? I am terrified that once she leaves home, she won't ever want to see us (me) again. But I am still challenged by her mix of personality traits.”

“Simply put; unconditional love, ‘I love you regardless, I love you no matter what, I'll always be here for you’. 

My eldest son went to hell and back from his early to late teens, and as a result acted out extraordinarily; he was extremely aggressive, and intensely angry around the clock, disruptive, destructive, and to be honest I was terrified more than once – even to the point of calling the police twice. 

They were very dark days, throughout I kept reassuring him how much I loved him and that I would never give up on him. Many many people told me how stupid I was, but I understood his actions came from a place of pain, and I couldn't add to it. 

Step forward just a few short years, I have the most incredible, loving, supportive, and upstanding son that any mother could wish for. He is truly wonderful, we laugh until we cry, we share a very close bond. 

Never give up on your children.”

Lisa refers to the legend of Tam Lin: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tam_Lin 

Lisa also refers to Sue Klebold’s book ‘A Mother’s Reckoning: Living in the aftermath of the Columbine tragedy’: https://books.google.ie/books/about/A_Mother_s_Reckoning.html?id=TEzDCgAAQBAJ&printsec=frontcover&source=kp_read_button&redir_esc=y#v=onepage&q&f=false

Stella tries to, but can quite remember, the names of Nancy Tucker’s books: ‘The Time in Between: A memoir into hunger and hope’ and ‘That Was When People Started to Worry: Windows into Unwell Minds’ 

https://books.google.ie/books/about/That_Was_When_People_Started_to_Worry.html?id=86dIDwAAQBAJ&redir_esc=y

https://books.google.ie/books?id=EXa3BgAAQBAJ&source=gbs_similarbooks

“Hi Lisa and Stella. This is not so much of a question, but a warm and heartfelt THANK YOU. I think (hope!) that we're slowly getting to the end of some really tough years.

Two years ago our youngest daughter at 13 rapidly developed anxiety and then presented herself as trans. Now I know it was pretty much the usual ROGD-story of no earlier signs, lots of internet contacts and a withdrawal from the family. But we didn't know that at the time. We felt so lonely and desperate, didn't know how to help her. 

Our contacts with psychologists were the same: they went through their questionnaire, told us that she had anxiety and depression, affirmed her trans identity 100% and recommended us to contact a gender clinic. In a time where we needed to be at our best as parents, these meetings really made us feel like we didn't understand anything about our child. Then I found a group of ROGD-parents in my country and media started to investigate the gender issue. We slowly got back on our feet, set some boundaries (like not going to gender clinic), allowed her to use a boys name in school and dress as she liked, and found a way of not using ”she” and her birth name but also nut using her boys name at home (because we really couldn’t). We also found a better psychologist at last, who helped our child und us with a somewhat broader view at her difficulties. And most important for me: I found you Lisa and Stella, along with Sasha Ayad and Benjamin Boyce. You have helped me through this, sometimes I have literally felt that you're holding my hand. Your mantra “Stay connected” has helped me focus on the most important. I cried and laughed when you talked about adolescences, and said that about one out of three gets through puberty easily, one with ”normal” problems and one of three really has the shittiest time. My three children really tick those boxes. You have reminded me again and again that it's the world right now – not us parents – that is crazy. You have made me feel less alone. 

Now my daughter is slowly exploring the possibilities of being a girl again. She has started to wear more girly clothes, skirts, dresses, stockings and even underwear. I think she still identifies as a boy, but I also think maybe she has to do that for a while to be able to meet the world as a girl? I feel sure that she will do this in her way and her pace. She seems so much more happy, openhearted and confident now when she is experimenting with girl identity, than when she went down the trans path and didn't want to talk or even be with us. And of course, the other week Stella gave some really good advice about not asking or talking so much about this, ”saving face” and so on. Just in time when I needed it! 

These years have made me reflect a lot about girls adolescence, how shocking – almost violent – it can be for a young girl, and how all the new expectations and gender roles can be just too much to handle. This time has been really tough for our child, and by far the worst and hardest in my entire life as a mother. But in a way I feel proud today over her braveness. She refused to accept the rules, and now she is inventing her own, slowly adapting to her new body and person in a way that suits her. Standing up for herself. 

Thank you again, for your wisdom, warmth and experience. I truly don’t know where I would have been today without you.

Links: 

• Stella Tedx talk: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oWVcyCyRs2Y 
• Stella’s book Cotton Wool Kids: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Cotton-Wool-Kids-Parents-Paranoid/dp/1781173206/ref=sr_1_1?dchild=1&keywords=cotton+wool+kids&qid=1591537596&sr=8-1

Lisa’s patreon about ROGD kids and young adults: https://www.patreon.com/LisaMarchiano

Here’s our story for this week

“I don't feel like pregnancy, motherhood and its sacrifices come naturally to me. I wish women were able to lay an egg and then the father sits on it for 9 months. I do my job and love my kids but I suffer a bit from lack of time and freedom since I am a creative person, have a job and am a dream guide. People often criticize my lack of knowledge in motherly things like cooking and interest in their school activities. It just isn't my forte and I battle with "I am a bad mom" syndrome because of the comparison game. I am not into speaking with other mothers about kid’s topics, I can never relate. I am always the awkward mom in a playground setting. My husband is a better parent in that regard. He is a natural at parenting. When I was pregnant everybody kept telling me how it was an instinct that would kick in. nope! Yes, I have the protective mother wolf instinct. And I love being out with my kids or hanging out with the family... but I don't enjoy kid’s activities. I feel my soul gets sucked away with kids day to day demands and kids activities etc. Like a sensory overload.”

Lisa discussed the story of the Selkie Bride.

“I have been feeling burned out of parenting. It’s increased along with my age and I wonder if it’s because I had my 15 year old at age 42 that now developmentally, I’m ready to retire and become a grandmother. I have for so long been proud and grateful for being an “older mom.” Now this last year, my 20 year has totally mellowed and is more of a young adult. My 15 year old does some behaviors has some attitudes towards me that don’t rise to any level of concern and are mild in comparison but I’m easily discouraged and feel burned out.

Is this a phenomenon? Is there a shelf life for parenting?”

“I fell in love with a man who had a child from a previous marriage. When we were dating, he told me that his child would always come first and showed me a photo of her that he always kept with him. I quickly answered that that was only natural. Of course, his child should come first.

His daughter was a beautiful, queenly teenager when we married, and I was insecure around her. Initially, I tried to "cook" my way to her heart, but she rebelled against those dishes even when -- or especially when -- she liked them. I didn't know what was wrong and neither did she, but we also kept close by talking, walking, shopping, doing nonsense together. Over time, we developed a relationship that I cherish.

Although I treasure our relationship and my role in her life, it makes me wistful at times to be reminded that I will never be for her what her mother is. We will never have that natural ease, that unspoken connection. And I think to myself, will I ever forgive myself for you not being mine?”

Stella mentions Nuala O Faoláin writing about how the role of the stepmother from her book ‘Almost There’:  https://www.amazon.com/Almost-There-Nuala-OFaolain/dp/1573222410 

Here’s the story we discuss this week:

“My own mother always made a point of telling me how terrible it had been to give birth to me, that her body was wrecked in the process and that women in our family must not be meant to birth naturally (The story always punctuated with, '... and thank goodness for doctors or we would all be dead!'). When I became pregnant I hired a very expensive obstetrician. But the birth ended up as an emergency caesarean and significant trauma for me as a new mother. My own mother was sympathetic but there was an element of 'I told you so'. But there was a little kernel in me that thought, 'It doesn't make sense. How could it be that all my many thousands of female ancestors had a body that worked, but me and my mum didn't?' I went on a massive transformative journey to learn about the instinct of birth and to trust in my body. I ended up having my next two children at home with midwives, and am so glad that I did, because I am a very different person now and now my daughters have empowering stories about their births that I hope they will carry forward to the next generation.”

Stella mentions the John Montague poem called The Locket and the book Birth.