Relationship School Podcast (Jayson Gaddis)

Do you find it tough getting back to a good place after conflict in a relationship—the place where you feel connected and content? It’s easy to get stuck in a cycle of conflict, but the good news is that you can master resolution skills in your important relationship(s). You can learn to get back to that healthy place. It’s something we all have to work on—in fact, when I wrote my book, Getting to Zero: How to Work Through Conflict in Your High-Stakes Relationships, I wrote it for myself. But now I’m sharing it with the world. For a sneak peek into some of the tools I cover in the book, check out this week’s podcast: How to Get Back to a Good Place part 1. And don’t forget you can pre-order the book (for a little longer) to get in on the extras! 

Useful Links:

• rs.com/training
• gettingtozerobook.com/pre-order

If you are thinking of divorce, you've probably spent hours analyzing things. I just want you to consider a few more points, just in case. Listen to this.

Shownotes:

• (2:55) If you’re thinking of divorce
• (4:00) Look at the cost of a divorce
• (8:30) What are the benefits of a divorce for you and for others
• (13:25) https://relationshipschool.com/DPIR/

If you are a more "masculine" woman, chances are you'll find yourself with a more "feminine" man. Is this a problem? Not at all. In fact, if you understand basic polarity principles, this can work to your advantage. Unless of course, you want to keep blaming your partner. There is something simpler you can do. Listen for more info...

QUESTION:
Can you speak to male/female polarity dynamics? Particularly when the female partner tends to have more of a masculine energy in the relationship - in terms of being type-A, taking action, wanting to get things done - while the male partner has more of a passive, laid back, feminine energy.
As the female partner with the more masculine energy, I find this dynamic really frustrating and wonder if it means I’ll be signing up for life where I will be doing most of the heavy lifting around all the practical dynamics of daily life?
I was wondering if this dynamic would be too difficult to sustain in a satisfactory way, although we are both growth-oriented, so that part is not a concern.

• Why we get triggered by our opposites [3:00]
• You go first (don’t wait for your partner to change) [4:00]
• Learning to own what you’ve disowned for a better relationship [8:00]

This week I spoke with Jeff Salzman about Integral Theory (the idea that culture and consciousness have been, and will continually evolve) and how it applies to what’s shaping our world right now. If you want another frame to help you understand turbulent times, this will be helpful. Listen here for the full episode.

Useful Links:

How can you get back together with your partner after breaking up? 

As you will discover in the podcast, getting back together with your partner as a team takes commitment, honesty, and a sincere willingness to communicate without placing blame. 

If you want to know how to get back together after a breakup as a team, go ahead and take a listen.

Shownotes:

• 0:00 Introduction Mark Groves and Kylie McBeath
• 4:45: Explaining the reasons that caused their breakup.
• 12:45 Deciding to break up and how to do it.
• 18:00 Carrying issues from one relationship to another.
• 28:05 The evolution of their attachment dynamics
• 42:30 The process of reconciliation to get back together.
• 53:50 Final advice.
• 58:10 Action Step

Useful Links:

• Accepted and connected event
• https://www.kyliemcbeath.com/
• https://createthelove.com/
• https://markgroves.com/

If you’ve ever skied, surfed, or gone outdoor climbing, there’s a good chance you’ve experienced that elusive peak state of awareness referred to as “flow”. Time slows, thoughts disappear, your sense of self seems to merge with the present moment, and everything just…flows! The flow state brings high levels of creativity, learning and connection…all things that we want in our relationships. In this episode, I bring on flow expert Jamie Wheal to dig into an important question: How can we bring this peak state into our long-term partnerships? We also hear deeply personal, wisdom-packed stories from Jamie on the evolution of his partnership.  You’re going to enjoy this one.

SHOWNOTES:

• Start of interview [0:40]
• What is the Flow Genome Project? [1:30]
• What’s the distinction between dopamine rushes, drug highs, and “flow”? [3:50]
• Is there a bridge between peak flow states and monogamous relationships? [7:20]
• What happens when sex is made into a dedicated practice, similar to exercise or flossing? [12:50]
• “Erotic Tonglen” [16:50]
• Shares from Jamie’s personal life [22:50]
• What happened to the sexual chemistry when Jamie had kids? [28:05]
• Is the bedroom a place of withholding or safety? [29:05]
• The unconscious bargain that Jamie started his marriage with, and had to drop to save the relationship [31:20]
• What Jamie learned about his relationship at Burning Man [33:00]
• False notions about enlightenment and soulmates [40:30]
• Parting Words from Jamie [43:40]

There are 3 key components of Flow:

1. Rich Environments
2. Deep Embodiment
3. High Consequence

If you're like most people, you spend FOUR HOURS A DAY on your phone and check it ONE HUNDRED TIMES! Is all that time improving your life and the lives of others? If you use social media and want to hear a unique story about rebuilding after a separation, this episode is worth every minute!

SHOWNOTES:

• Who is Mark Shapiro? [5:00]
• Some Social Media Fails [12:00]
• Mark’s Extreme Social Media Experiment [16:00]
• Why do we Avoid Reaching out to Friends Online? [27:00]
• Mark’s First Marriage: Before & After [31:00]
• Showing Appreciation When You're not Feeling it [34:00]
• What was Open Relationship Life Like? [37:00]
• Advice for Couples Considering Divorce [48:00]
• Why Being Real is Important [56:00]

For the full web posting for this Smart Couple Podcast episode visit https://relationshipschool.net/podcast188

Question: Once someone cheats on you should you walk away completely and let go, or do you think going through something like this could strengthen a relationship and create a deeper bond? Not sure where to draw the boundaries.  When I found out about the cheating, I spent 3 hours trying to understand why. Am I being too understanding? I’d like to know what your thoughts are when it comes to getting back together with someone that cheated on you.  Any advice? 

• Spending $20 Billion on 'love' [3:00]
• What happens when it's high stakes and you're married with kids? [8:00]
• The surprising benefits to being cheated-on [9:00]
• How to re-establish trust after a boundary breach [12:00]
• Finding the opportunity in the crisis [14:00]

Most of us have no idea how damaging relational stress can be. In this episode, legendary medical doctor and psycho-physio-spiritual trailblazer Dr. Gabor Maté brings some very grounded, practical examples of how relationship stress can impact our lives. The result of stress can be seen throughout the web of our life and it’s up to us to learn how to relate and attach well to our fellow humans. I love how this man turns such complicated topics into common sense. If you want a deeper cut about your marriage, children, or any stressful relationship, this episode is a must listen.

SHOWNOTES

• Why we’re evolutionarily wired to get high off of the honeymoon phase of a new relationship. [2:30]
• What happens when Gabor’s wife forgets to pick him up at the airport. [13:30]
• How our partners are perfectly suited to help us grow. [15:35]
• What happened in Gabor’s childhood that makes his wife a perfect match for him now. [18:00]
• The long-term cost of not dealing with stress. [20:00]
• How parents can be compromised by raising their children. [22:30]
• The link between our relationship health and our physical and mental health. [24:30]
• What’s the best way to deal with our own relational and attachment issues? [34:00]
• Why relational healing modalities are so effective. [38:00]
• What we can learn from pygmy cultures about parenting and relationships. [40:30]
• How relationship can most effectively be taught to children. [42:00]
• The effect of Facebook and Internet on kids. [46:00]
• Jayson gives an action step [50:30]

IN THIS EPISODE, you will learn:

• How to navigate a partnership by understanding 3 marriage types
• How to align to the most dynamic, live, energetic, and inspired marriage
• How to see diagnostically if your marriage is doomed or if you will make it
• How to get your partner to become a caring type—balanced and evolving

This is an extremely intimate and powerful episode with world-renowned speaker Philip McKernan.

He asks you 2 questions that can completely change how you show up right now during this global crisis.

I’ve been reflecting on these 2 questions since our interview. They are deep, very personal, and helpful.

Listen below.

“Any advice to get over a fear of dependency?” Amy wants to know.

“Is it possible for one partner to be dependent, and the other to be independent? Does that change over time? What can I do when I get triggered by his independence?” asks @twopopcorn.

“Therapists always say, ‘You’re responsible for meeting your own needs’...How do you allow yourself to depend on someone and also not expect someone to give you what you need?” Jean is curious about. 

Join Jayson and Ellen for this follow-up AMA episode (inspired by Episode 423: Dependent, Independent, Interdependent) where they answer listener questions on dependency.

Useful Links:

As grand prize winners of a recent Smart Couple podcast contest, Heather and Thomas got to sit down for a free session with Jayson. In this emotional and inspiring interview, Jayson helps Heather and Thomas dig into their past to find answers they've been seeking for years.

• Heather Lays Out Her Side Of The Story [8:00]
• Thomas Connects With Heather’s Past [20:00]
• Find Out WHY Your Partner Reacts That Way [28:00]
• Where Does The Smack You Talk To Yourself Come From? [38:00]
• Ways To Shake Things Up If You Spend Too Much Time Together [42:00]
• Jayson Explains The Contest [47:00]

COUPLES CONTEST DETAILS: 

Can you be your authentic self in a relationship and allow your partner to do the same—while accepting the differences? This concept is called differentiation, and it’s very important in relationships because it affects a lot of relational elements. For this week’s podcast, I welcome back Ellyn Bader, Ph.D. to discuss these concepts and share her wisdom gathered over years of working with couples. Listen to the episode... I think it’ll resonate with you. 

Useful Links:

A brave smart couple shares their "dark period" and how they got through it. Anyone who has been married for a few years, and then adds in a child to the mix, will pretty much get rocked. Tripp and Alyson share what happened and how they got through it. From their day to day check-ins, emotional distance and meltdowns, to transforming their sex life after kids, you are going to love how this couple rocked it out. And hopefully, you can take a few tips home to your relationship.

SHOWNOTES

• The story of how Tripp & Alyson met. [10:00]
• Tripp and Alyson's wild first few dates. [16:00]
• How reclaim their connection when it's off. [21:30]
• How did Tripp learn to be curious? [30:00]
• One period that challenged their relationship. [31:00]
• What Tripp had to face in himself to get out of his comfort zone. [38:00]
• Who did they each reach out to for support during their challenging times? [50:00]
• Why you can't rely on your partner to fulfill all your needs. [55:00]
• How to keep your sex life alive after kids. [58:00]
• Tripp shares his own evolution of his relationship to sex.  [1:08:00]
• The framework they both set in their wedding vows [1:15:00]
• Your action step. [1:23:00]

Mandy - Smart Couple Facebook Page

Feeling connected. First of all, can we explore the meaning of that in depth? To me it's hard to define and hard to ask for and hard to get though my partner really tries. It's a feeling I get that my partner and I are connected. lol. Not helping. We're connected when we're both open to one another, present, affectionate, compassionate. Is it too much or unrealistic to want the goal to be in that heart centered connected space "all" the time? Not literally all the time but you know, like a majority. I could get that feeling from a 2 minute interaction everyday I think. That doesn't seem unrealistic but please tell me if it is. Seems like for a lot of couples men get connected through sex and women can feel connected through sex but prefer to feel connected before being sexually intimate. That's me. Why is that? How to handle when neither is getting what they need? Sex or heart connection. How can I go about being down for sex without a heart connection. How could a man move toward being more heart connected without sex? How do I explain my need to someone who this is all brand new to?

SHOWNOTES

• Is it unrealistic to want to feel connected all the time? [6:00]
• When life stress gets in the way of your connection at home [11:00]
• Why ‘islands’ need more connection than you might think [18:00]
• Learning how to reconnect after you lose connection [21:00]
• What you can learn from sports teams and musicians about connection[27:00]

Feeling disconnected is a common experience in long-term relationships. The question is how to get reconnected? Well, first you’ll want to start to identify the ways in which you disconnect and locate the source. After some self-inquiry there, you can learn how to reconnect to you, and your partner. Listen to this one to learn how.

SHOWNOTES

• Should you expect that your marriage will last forever? [4:00]
• Do you need to love yourself first before you get into a relationship? [5:30]
• The 10 signs that you’re disconnected from yourself. [9:30]
• The 8 steps to reconnect. [15:00]
• Jayson’s action step for the listener [24:00]

This episode was a lot of fun. Terry Real brings the heat for women and men using what he calls “fierce intimacy.” While this episode is for both men and women, it is largely geared toward women who are with a guy who’s not fully on board. He has some great advice for women, while at the same time challenges men to develop their relationship skills. I know you’ll dig this one.

SHOWNOTES:

• Beginning of interview [4:30]
• Terry shares how he came to be interested in relationship work [5:00]
• What is “fierce intimacy”? [7:20]
• The difference between a good man and a great man [12:30]
• Advice for young millennial men [15:00]
• What Terry says to women who are frustrated with their men [19:30]
• A lot of men who wont do the work for themselves or for the marriage, will get it and rise to the occasion for the sake of… [23:00]
• 3 key steps for women to work with their shutdown men (this is very good) [26:00]
• Should women reward their man’s effort with sex? [32:45]
• The design flaw in the way most therapists do therapy [40:10]
• Parting comments [50:15]

What can you learn from divorced people and what can you learn from people who have been married for a decade or two? What are the main differences? There are two and we cover them in this episode with author Mark Manson. We also explore how Mark navigated a big challenge with his now wife and why self-improvement and self-awareness are so essential to long-term partnership.

Timestamps:

• 1:03 - Episode introduction
• 4:36 - Mark Manson's backstory
• 8:52 - Common issues and challenges
• 10:42 - Healthy boundaries
• 15:28 - How important is it for couples to have friends outside their relationship?
• 17:13 - Challenges in marriage and how to get through them
• 26:04 - Is respect more important than communication?
• 31:17 - How school ill prepares us for life
• 33:57 - What can we learn from people who have been divorced?
• 36:50 - Cultivating self-awareness
• 40:38 - Mark's preferred methods of introspection
• 42:54 - The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck
• 46:24 - Action Steps

Links:

• Mark Manson's website
• Masterclass Library
• Enroll in Relationship Mastery
• Order Jayson's book: Getting to Zero
• Follow Jayson on social media:
  • Instagram
  • YouTube
  • LinkedIn
  • TikTok
  • Twitter
  • Facebook

What’s wrong with wanting a healthy relationship? Jayson and Ellen are here to break it down. "Healthy" is a poorly defined concept, which can create nebulous expectations that are impossible to live up to. If you’ve written yourself off because you believe you’re incapable of having healthy relationships, it’s time to level up and start focusing on how you can foster growth-oriented relationships going forward. Tune in to learn how you can set realistic expectations and define the relationship experience that you want. It’s time to plan for reality and aspire for greatness.

Timestamps:

• 4:57 - Defining what “healthy” means
• 7:09 - Deciding on the relationship experience you want
• 8:41 - Creating realistic expectations
• 11:14 - Plan for reality, aspire for greatness
• 15:00 - Don’t write yourself off
• 16:49 - Growth oriented relationships
• 19:17 - Action steps

Links:

• U.S. listeners, sign up for relationship tips and support direct to your phone by texting this number: 720-704-4850
• Follow Jayson on social media:
  • Instagram
  • YouTube
  • LinkedIn
  • TikTok
  • Twitter
  • Facebook

Do you wish you and your partner still communicated like you did when you first fell in love? In this episode, Jayson delves into the science of infatuation—why we experience it and why it fades. Can you rekindle the magic of the early days of your relationship, or is there something even better ahead? Tune in to discover how to earn your second honeymoon stage.

Timestamps:

• 2:48 - Infatuation
• 6:16 - Falling out of love or working toward relational maturity?
• 9:49 - Learning how to communicate
• 13:48 - Earning your second honeymoon stage

Links:

• Reignite your connection-communicate like you did when you fell in love
• The End The Struggle With Him Roadmap & Monthly Group Coaching Membership
• Follow Jayson on social media:
  • Instagram
  • YouTube
  • LinkedIn
  • TikTok

There’s no doubt it’s difficult to get on the same financial page with your partner. Differences in mindset and approach are likely, but that doesn’t mean you can’t create a plan. In this week’s episode, I connect with life hacker extraordinaire, Chris Hutchins, who’s full of tips and wisdom. Plus, ever thought of going on a trip around the world to “vet” a partner? Chris did just that. Take a listen.

Useful Links:

Happy New Year! In this special episode, Jayson shares his candid thoughts on what worked for the Smart Couple Podcast last year, what did not and the changes planned for 2018. We also get Jayson's top ten episodes list from 2017.

SHOWNOTES

• The Smart Couple Podcast: Reflections on 2017 and Plans for 2018 [4:00]
• What's The Relationship School Have In Store for 2018? [12:00]
• Jayson's 2017 Top Ten Episodes List [17:00]
• Hidden Power Of Conflict – Annie Lalla – SC 88
• How To Deal With An Avoidant Partner & Interpersonal Stress – Stan Tatkin – SC 104
• The Neuroscience & Power of Safe Relationships – Stephen W. Porges – SC 116
• Ayahuasca, Trauma, & Relationships – Dr. Gabor Maté – SC 134
• The 4 Freedoms That Develop Masculine Depth & Purpose – Satyen Raja – SC 140
• The Trap of Becoming Your Partner’s Therapist – Danielle LaPorte – SC 146
• My Wife On How To Repair After A Ruptured Connection – Ellen Boeder – SC 152
• Setting Boundaries With Ease, Grace and Love – Terri Cole – SC 156
• Interpersonal Neurobiology – Dan Siegel – SC 158
• Why Spiritually Developed People Struggle With Monogamy – Ellen & Jayson – SC 176

This year's Interpersonal Neurobiology Conference at UCLA was a dream for a relationship research and brain science nerd!

If you geek out on that stuff, you'll love hearing the highlights Jayson and his therapist partner, Ellen Boeder, have in their personal conference notes.

SHOWNOTES:

• Antonio Damasio Highlights [5:00]
• Dan Siegel Highlights [8:00]
• Harville Hendrix and Helen Hunt Highlights - Safe Conversation [12:00]
• Crazy Listening Statistic [15:00]
• Secure Functioning Relationships and Other Stan Tatkin Highlights [18:00]
• Insight for Therapists and Couples from Peter Pierson [18:00]
• Affairs and Esther Perel Highlights [25:00]
• The Shame of Staying With a Partner That Cheats [29:00]
• Insight from the Couples Panel [31:00]

For the full web posting for this Smart Couple Podcast episode visit https://relationshipschool.net/podcast189

Maureen writes “I’ve really lost interest in your work since you said on your webinar that if you get cheated on it’s your fault.” Thanks Maureen for prompting this episode because so many people get “fault” confused with “responsibility.” This episode sets it straight. I clear up what it means to choose to be a victim and to choose to be empowered. Even when someone does something “to you.” After you listen, please share your feedback in The Smart Couple Facebook Group.

Also check out the blog post on the same subject here.

SHOWNOTES

• Why people love and hate meditation. [3:30]
• The difference between fault and responsibility. [6:15]
• The best way to get back into the driver’s seat of your own empowerment. [9:30]
• How to not get cheated on again. [10:15]
• The difference between the victim and the empowered person. [12:00]
• Jayson’s challenge for the listener. [19:30]

In this week’s episode, Jayson interviews Connor Beaton, author of Men’s Work: A Practical Guide to Face Your Darkness, End Self-Sabotage and Find Freedom. He is the founder of Man Talks, a speaker, a business coach, a lifestyle entrepreneur, a former opera singer, and a husband and father. This episode speaks to the problem that many men experience while practicing vulnerability.

In this episode I answer listeners’ questions on long-distance relationships, how to win him back, entitlement and sex, blended families, divorce, and much more. It’s a shorty but a goodie.

SHOWNOTES

• What does an over-supportive relationship look like? [2:30]
• What does it mean when a man says he “needs a break” from the relationship? [4:15]
• How to win back a guy? [6:14]
• What’s the best way to break through your triggers? [7:43]
• How to make a 2nd or 3rd marriage work out? [9:07]
• What to do when your partner only feels criticized? [11:33]
• How to deal with a man who feels sexually entitled? [13:20]
• What is the viability of long-distance relationships? [15:28]
• Jayson’s one-question challenge to listeners [18:17]

Ellen Boeder interviews Johannah Reimer to find out how women can help teen girls. They discuss the unique problems that teen girls face today, the evolutionary mismatch between the environments we evolved in and modern life, the importance of doing hard things and Johannah’s Girls Group Facilitator Training, “Pathways to Womanhood”which is about guiding and supporting girls on their journey to womanhood.

Johannah is a soulcentric educator, ceremonialist, teen mentor, and an artist of many trades. Trained as a Waldorf teacher, Johannah has been working with children of all ages for over 20 years and holds a particular passion for tweens/teens striving to meet their developmental needs for mentorship and initiation in a culture that has forgotten how to do so. An apprentice of visionaries: Sage Hamilton and Melissa Michaels of SOMA Source, Johannah has worked for many years as a Waldorf teacher under the guidance of her elder Sage, and as an embodied leader for international youth in movement based Rites of Passage with Golden Bridge & Golden Girls Global.

Timestamps:

• 5:33 - Johannah's path to becoming an educator
• 13:19 - Why create girls' groups
• 26:56 - Evolutionary mismatch
• 30:20 - The value of doing hard things
• 34:22 - Becoming an entrepreneur
• 37:55 - What will people take from the training?
• 43:26 - Advice for teenage girls

Links:

• Free Workshop on Becoming a Village Auntie
• Pathways to Womanhood ~ Girls Group Facilitator Training
• Johannah Reimer's Instagram
• My Relationship Coach (MRC)
• Sign up to get Jayson's weekly newsletter via email
• Apply to Relationship Coach Training
• Follow Jayson on social media:
  • Instagram
  • YouTube
  • LinkedIn
  • TikTok

Does your partner get defensive, angry, or triggered when you talk about tough feelings in your relationship? That can be a difficult situation to navigate. We will all be triggered by something in our lives (it’s unavoidable), but there are ways to make it a bit easier for both sides in the relationship. For this week’s podcast episode, Ellen and I address this listener question and offer our thoughts. Give it a listen if you can relate.

Useful Links:

Jayson answers listener questions: How should you deal with trauma responses in intimate situations? Should your partner have access to your phone? What should you do if your partner isn’t interested in personal growth? What is the right way to apologize? Is it possible to make a relationship work with an emotionless partner? Find the answers to these questions and more on this episode of The Relationship School Podcast.

Timestamps:

• 2:19 - Trauma responses in intimate situations
• 5:55 - Dealing with a condescending partner
• 7:45 - Should your partner have access to your phone?
• 11:58 - Partner isn't interested in personal growth
• 14:32 - Apologizing
• 16:13 - Emotionless partnerships
• 18:45 - Intentions and apologies

Links:

• My Relationship Coach (MRC)
• Order Jayson's book: Getting to Zero
• Sign up to get Jayson's weekly newsletter via email
• Follow Jayson on social media:
  • Instagram
  • YouTube
  • LinkedIn
  • TikTok
  • Twitter
  • Facebook

Jayson coaches the couple, Anya and Bodhi. The last time this couple appeared on the podcast was in episode #364 when they were in the midst of deciding whether to stay together or break up. Since their last appearance, they have grown into a strong and stable couple. In this episode, they discuss the turning point in their relationship that led to them staying together. They also work through current tensions in their relationship related to conflicting schedules and navigating a small living space. You won’t want to miss this insightful conversation.

Timestamps:

• 5:17 - Anya & Bodhi's turning point
• 13:23 - Individual growth
• 20:00 - Getting to the root of relationship tension
• 33:34 - Feeling trapped by a lack of connectedness
• 39:05 - Spontaneity vs. responsibility
• 43:00 - Different schedules
• 47:00 - Helping your partner feel less judged
• 1:00:30 - Being true to yourself vs. being considerate
• 1:08:59 - Action step

Links:

• Coaching a Couple Through Staying Together or Breaking Up – Jayson Gaddis – 364
• FREE Webinar: How To Resolve Conflict & Create Powerful Relationships
• Order Jayson's book: Getting to Zero
• Get 50% off your first month of relationship coaching with the promo code "First50"
• Follow Jayson on social media:
  • Instagram
  • YouTube
  • LinkedIn
  • TikTok

• (5:45) Introduction Steven Hayes
• (15:05) How to correct the course of people's lives in a positive way
• (24:00) How to transcend the victim mentality
• (32:35) Learning to love yourself by yourself and with help of others
• (39:20) Acceptance and commitment therapy
• (45:10) Why challenge is beneficial in our lives
• (51:00) Working on your blind spots
• (1:01:15) First steps to start working on yourself
• (1:06:00) https://stevenchayes.com/
• (1:06:40) https://contextualscience.org/civicrm/profile?gid=17&reset=1&force=1
• (1:09:40) Action step

Few things can rip a partnership or friendship apart like conflict. In part one of this three-part series on conflict, Jayson proposes ten pre-conflict agreements to transform conflict from a threatening experience into a growth opportunity.

SHOWNOTES:

• Why Learning How To Do Conflict Is Important [1:00]
• Ten Agreement You Should Make With Your Partner BEFORE Conflict [3:00]
• Learn How To Do Conflict Well At The Upcoming Embracing Conflict Weekend! [18:00]

For the full Smart Couple Podcast webpage for part one of this conflict series episode visit https://relationshipschool.net/podcast213

Fighting and emotional upset is just part of the program in a committed relationship over many years. But what separates the smart couple from people who really struggle is being able to repair well. In this episode, my wife Ellen Boeder covers why "the repair" is so critical in a strong partnership. It's essential as a parent, so why would it be any different with your partner. Listen in to get a few tips on how to do this fundamental skill and learn from Ellen and me as we share from our own marriage.

SHOWNOTES

• What does a good relationship look and feel like? [7:00]
• Why feeling ‘safe’ is essential for a good relationship [8:00]
• Why ‘I’m sorry’ is a bad repair-strategy [18:00]
• What Ellen calls the ‘micro-repair’[20:00]
• How to really listen to your partner after conflict without getting triggered [23:00]
• What are some quick ways to reset the nervous system when words aren’t working? [30:00]
• Ellen’s advice on conflict and repair for couples [34:00]

Why do men pull away when they get close? Then, some of them will come back, only to pull away again. WTF is going on here?

SHOWNOTES

• What is going on when a man pulls away? [7:00]
• The surprising reason he pulls away and disconnects from you [8:00]
• Why annoying your partner is a good thing (and will happen forever) [10:00]
• The feedback loop that keeps you both stuck [13:00]
• Two powerful tips for when he pulls away [14:00]

This week, I bring onto the podcast a long-time friend and relationship wizard Joshua Levin, to help me outline a potent relationship tool: sharing impact.  Like many relationship tools, sharing impact is a simple, yet difficult tool to use in relationship. WTF is sharing impact and how can it help you dramatically decrease drama in your relationship? Find out by listening in. This is the first episode in a series on “relationship tools.” This is a new format I’m trying out, so make sure to leave your comments and feedback below. Does this serve you? Do you want more episodes like this? Let me know!

SHOWNOTES:

• Why does Joshua care about relationships? [5:40]
• Why do we need a tool like “sharing impact” in a long-term partnership? [9:00]
• What is “sharing impact”? [11:10]
• By contrast, what do many people do instead of sharing impact? [15:15]
• Josh shares a personal example of sharing impact [21:05]
• Jayson and Joshua trade impact back and forth [25:00]
• What happens after we share impact? [28:00]
• Josh encourages us to start with ______ [30:00]
• The difference between expression and communication [35:00]

In this Q&A episode, there were so many great questions. See the show notes below for a detailed line-up.

SHOWNOTES

• How can I train myself to not go to an extreme dark place when I’m triggered by my partner? [4:30]
• A tool for calming yourself down. [6:00]
• What’s the best way to balance individual freedom in a relationship to avoid power struggles?  [6:45]
• How to know when to stay in a relationship and when to leave? [9:30]
• Why is my husband not desiring me and initiating physical intimacy and passion? [11:45]
• My boyfriend surfs porn, a LOT. Is this normal? Should I break up with him? [17:30]
• Should I move back in with my ex? How do I know if he’s forgiving me? [22:00]
• My partner says he’s not sure if he still has feelings for his ex. What should I do? [25:00]
• My old boyfriend and I have been dating on and off for eight years, currently off for a year. What’s the best way to get back together? [27:45]
• The best way to date someone with a mental illness? When do you know if the struggle is too much if they’re not doing the work to get better? [29:45]
• Someone challenges Jayson on saying “I’m sorry.” [32:15]
• How do I get my boyfriend to communicate more often and more openly? [34:15]
• What’s the best way to apply your communication tools with children? Is it the same as with a romantic partner? [35:15]
• What do you think about when someone says “I’m sorry you feel that way”? [38:15]
• Should our partner be our “best friend”? [39:30]
• How do I navigate my fear of enmeshment with my partner’s fear of abandonment? [40:15]
• Jayson’s powerful action step for this episode. [43:00]

In this live coaching session, Jayson coaches Derek, an anxious man struggling with an avoidant partner. How should couples balance the need for space with the need for connection? How can you tell if your relationship concerns stem from care or fear? How do you know if couples therapy is working? Don’t miss this powerful coaching session!

Timestamps:

• 6:09 - How to set boundaries while maintaining a relationship
• 9:09 - Balancing the need for space and connection
• 15:27 - Is your therapy working?
• 21:16 - Are you working from fear or care?
• 24:12 - Being honest with your partner

Links:

• My Relationship Coach (MRC)
• Order Jayson's book: Getting to Zero
• Follow Jayson on social media:
  • Instagram
  • YouTube
  • LinkedIn
  • TikTok
  • Twitter
  • Facebook

What’s your mindset when it comes to taking care of your body? If you get injured, do you just let a professional (physical therapist, chiropractor, surgeon, etc.) try to fix the problem? Or do you take a proactive approach where you apply effort to your body in order to avoid repeating the injury or getting a new one? Your mindset can mean the difference between growth and keeping yourself in constant pain. Guess what—the same thing applies to relationships. Check out this week’s podcast, where Ellen and I discuss how the two are similar and what we’ve learned from our own experiences.

Useful Links:

If you are a helper, therapist, or coach (or you are curious), here’s a great podcast I just recorded about helping others and taking the leap to be a relationship coach.

Shownotes:

• 9:50 What is coaching?
• 11:30 How to become a good relationship coach
• 25:05 About our coaching program
• 37:25 Action step

Useful Links:

• https://relationshipschool.com/rct
• https://relationshipschool.com/podcast/therapy-vs-coaching-sc-139/

Jayson is joined by his son Lucian for a conversation about the unique challenges of being a teenager in high school. What are the challenges of being from a relationally focused family? What kinds of stereotypes do teens face? Why do so many parents over-parent their kids? You won’t want to miss this candid father-son conversation.

Timestamps:

• 3:52 - Boys in high school
• 5:28 - Social media apps
• 6:19 - Waldorf vs. public high school
• 9:21 - The relational family experiance
• 16:41 - Challenges high school kids face
• 20:25 - Over-parenting
• 23:41 - How to get teenagers involved

Links:

• Apply to Relationship Coach Training
• U.S. listeners, sign up for relationship tips and support direct to your phone by texting this number: 720-704-4850
• Follow Jayson on social media:
  • Instagram
  • YouTube
  • LinkedIn
  • TikTok

Bruce was one of THE pivotal factors in helping me marry my wife before she slammed the door shut on me. Hear that story in this episode and why it’s so common for couples to struggle. Bruce offers a powerful frame for relationship and intimacy and makes the distinction between the developmental work we need to do, and the possibility that we are “already free” in relationship. Check it.

SHOWNOTES:

• How Jayson met Bruce [1:15]
• “I give [Bruce] credit for saving my marriage” – Jayson [2:30]
• Start of interview [3:50]
• How does ambivalence factor into a long-term relationship? [6:15]
• The interplay of the basic energies of separation and connection [8:30]
• Intimacy vs. Closeness [12:30]
• Bruce’s core philosophy [15:30]
• Relationship is like riding a bicycle…it’s all about balance [17:15]
• A good first step for couples stuck in an adversarial relationship – The practice of personal responsibility  [21:31]
• Why it’s important to let go of claiming that your partner is the cause of your difficult emotions [23:50]
• Bruce shares about his marriage [26:00]
• Bruce shares his story of becoming a therapist [31:00]
• What is a “successful relationship”? [38:00]
• Bruce shares how parenting has impacted his relationships and his life [42:15]
• Having kids is a real good practice in how willing are we to let another person just be who they are. [45:40]
• Sexual intimacy in a long-term relationship [45:50]
• Approaching sexuality as a disciplined practice [50:30]
• Bruce talks about personal responsibility [54:40]
• Bruce shares about his new book Already Free – [1:00:00]

In this final installment of a three-part series on conflict, learn four things you can do post-conflict to repair the relationship as quickly as possible.

SHOWNOTES:

• Four Things To Do To Reconnect After A Fight [4:00]
• Embracing Conflict Weekend Info [10:00]

For the full Smart Couple Podcast webpage for part three in this conflict series visit https://relationshipschool.net/podcast215

To sign up for Embracing Conflict Weekend, taking place November 9th - 11th in Boulder, Colorado, visit https://relationshipschool.net/embracingconflict/. Use the promo code "smartcouple" before October 21st and get $100 off!

Jayson and Ellen discuss relationship skills we should learn (e.g. face reading, empathy, conflict resolution). There's no doubt that we have the capacity to have good relationships, because we know we're innately capable of being loving parents, partners, and positive citizens - that's what we're meant to be as humans - but cultivating our relational capacities is actually a developmental achievement and essential ingredient for health and wellness.

Timestamps:

• 0:00 - Intro
• 1:46 - Relationship as a skill
• 14:38 - Why is a growth mindset important?
• 23:07 - Therapy clients vs. coaching clients
• 31:54 - Action step

Useful Links:

• Enroll in Relationship Mastery
• Order Jayson's book: Getting to Zero
• Get 50% off your first month of relationship coaching with the promo code "First50"

In last week’s podcast, I answered the question people ask me all the time, “Is it okay to have expectations?” 

I came up with 6 expectations that are reasonable to have in a partnership. 

But it’s also important for us to discuss when it’s not okay or when it’s a bad idea to have expectations. I came up with 8 big ones that I DO NOT recommend. 

The biggest one is expecting someone else to live according to your values. Ouch. People do this one all the time, including me! Doah! 

Check out this week’s podcast to hear the other 7. 

Enjoy

Do you know how to listen to an emotional woman? Yikes!

This one’s for the men out there (and yes, some women are not great listeners as well, I get that). If you’re anything like me you know it can be hard to listen to your woman. It’s probably in your best interest to sharpen your listening skills in a way that opens her up and softens her.  How do you do that?

In 3 simple steps, which I outline in the podcast.  I talk about what it means to FRACK your woman, and why you want to avoid it.  Also I share 3 words to tell your woman so that she feels validated.  Finally, I bring in a great rule of thumb I share with my wife when it comes to listening and understanding her. You’ll want to hear this one, as it was a game-changer for our whole relationship.  Make sure to leave a comment or any questions you have below!

People don’t trust you when you are misaligned. You say you’re “fine” but really you feel angry. Or you say “I love you” but your body language is saying something different. This causes people to pull back from you.

The more congruent someone is the more trustworthy they are.

We get really pissed when our partner is out of alignment. In fact, we even resent them over time. But that is often a reflection of our own misalignment.

In This episode you will learn:

• Dealing with the ‘I’m Fine’ moment – Unlearning incongruency [1:33]
• Alignment in your marriage and work [6:00]
• Being ‘on the path’ to alignment [9:10]
• Tool: Sharing the Impact of non-alignment [10:07]

If you are single, I got some feedback from a lot of people on this. They helped me ensure that these are in fact, 3 of the biggest myths around being single.

Would love your input. Take a listen and leave a comment on social, or below in the blog/podcast post.

Shownotes:

Useful Links:

• https://relationshipschool.com/connected/
• Text me (USA): 7207044850

The grass is greener with that other person! I used to think this quietly in my mind all the time, no matter who I was with. In this episode, I share my personal drama with this mentality and what it’s really about. Not only that, I offer something to help you get through it. It might just make you more likely to commit to the one you’re with.

SHOWNOTES

• Jayson shares his personal story about leaving relationships when the going got tough. [8:45]
• The kinds of partners who will more likely have a “grass is greener” mentality. [11:00]
• How closeness and space impact ambivalence. [13:00]
• Will a new partner solve the current problem or bad feelings I’m having? [16:15]
• Jayson’s recommendation if you’re wanting to jump from relationship to relationship. [18:00]
• When the grass really is greener over there and it might be time to exit. [21:15]
• Jayson’s action steps for the listener. [ 24:45]

Are you a caregiver who is on the verge of burnout? What is the difference between the central nervous system and the autonomic nervous system? What happens if I misread a person's face, especially my partner? Listen to this fascinating interview with Polyvagal theory's founder, Stephen Porges.

Shownotes:

• (1:45) Episode 116: Polyvagal theory, safety in relationships.
• (4:26) Why knowing how to read other people matters.
• (9:50) How our physiology affects how we perceive others, and how others perceive us.
• (17:50) Arguments from a biological perspective.
• (20:15) Co-regulation.
• (25:05) How learning can be affected by a teacher’s physiology.
• (27:40) Reading an audience when speaking in public.
• (32:15) DPIR enrollment.
• (34:10) Difference between the central nervous system and autonomic nervous system.
• (42:05) How stress affects to our bodies.
• (50:00) About depression.
• (55:45) About exercise.
• (56:50) How taking care of others can impact your life.
• (1:01:20) Final thoughts.
• (1:06:40) Action Step.

I’ve been in my current relationship for 15 months. Right off the bat, we rushed into it both freshly out of our relationships. At 3 months he started ‘hardcore flirting’  in messages to facebook friends of his. He didn’t hide it, but I’m sure he didn’t expect me to see it. I found out because he disappearing act one evening and lied to me at first about where he was.  A few days later, I was shocked, he was sexually flirting with others via messenger.  I confronted him and he told me he loves me.  “It was just talk, didn’t mean anything,” that his intentions were not to follow through on any of it, I had nothing to worry about. Besides this crap, he’s great.  He’s good to me.  

Do I get over my fear of him going too far at some point, losing him and just ignore the things he does privately, or do I/should I have ran the other direction as fast as I can?

• Finding your ‘line’ with flirting [3:00]
• What if my partner gets defensive when I ask them about it? [5:00]
• Find your truth: what works for you, what doesn’t [7:00]
• How to talk to your partner if you’re uncomfortable with their flirting [10:00]

Maybe you feel like you might be codependent (or at least have the tendencies)...which might mean you’re codependent-ish. Did you know that’s a thing? If you’d like to learn more about what it looks like, check out this week’s podcast episode. I talk about just what it means to be codependent-ish and help you discover whether you might be. Tune in to the full episode below for more.

Useful Links:

If your partner feels like a 'ball and chain’, you're doing something wrong. You can feel free to totally be yourself AND have an intimate partnership.

SHOWNOTES:

• A Question From A Podcast Listener About Giving Space [2:00]
• Intimacy vs Closeness [4:00]
• Why the 'Ball and Chain' joke is such bullshit [6:00]

For the full Smart Couple Podcast webpage for this episode on taking space and being yourself visit https://relationshipschool.net/podcast216

 To sign up for Embracing Conflict Weekend, taking place November 9th - 11th in Boulder, Colorado, visit https://relationshipschool.net/embracingconflict/

Are you aware of all the benefits meditation provides—both for yourself and for your relationships?

This week, I talk with meditation teacher and author Sharon Salzberg about all the impacts of being with, loving, and being aware of yourself.

With 47 years of study and experience, Sharon shares from her wealth of knowledge with me, and it’s very enlightening. You’ll want to hear what she has to say. 

Shownotes

• 0:00 Introduction
• 10:00 Launching her own meditation trainings
• 14:32 Learning to be with oneself
• 19:55 What’s the purpose of meditation?
• 28:25 Learning about self-love
• 32:20 Is it necessary to love yourself before getting into a relationship?
• 35:45 When meditation can help and when it’s necessary to get external help
• 41:05 Recognizing and dealing with stress and self-judgment
• 46:15 The importance of your commitment to meditation

Useful Links:

• https://www.sharonsalzberg.com/
• Real Change: Mindfulness to Heal Ourselves and the World
• https://relationshipschool.com/training

Making love is a pretty straightforward act, but man do we love to make it complicated.

How society views sex has always been messy and made wose -- hold your gasp of surprise here -- for women. 

It’s about time we ditch this double standard, right?

Join me as I chat with relationship expert and Relationship School Ambassador Dr. Alexandra Solomon about sexuality, relational self awareness and all the complexities of sex (and boy there are a lot of them).

We discuss how the resurgence of the #MeToo movement in 2017 was the final push she needed to write her new book Taking Sexy Back: How to Own Your Sexuality and Create the Relationships You Want.

Dr. Solomon, also the author of Loving Bravely: Twenty Lessons of Self-Discovery to Help You Get the Love You Want, wanted to add her voice and contribute to this new chapter in conversations around gender, power and sex.

Come listen as we talk more about the inspiration behind her writing and what women can do to discover their own unique erotic expression. 

• 3:10 Introduction Dr. Alexandra Solomon
• 10:40 About relational self-awareness
• 14:00 Lessons learned while writing her book
• 17:30 Guidance for young people about their sexuality
• 21:05 Women getting in touch with their own sexuality
• 23:15 At what point should parents have conversations about sexuality with their daughters
• 28:00 Differences on how society perceives female masturbation
• 31:50 What can men do to help women explore their sexuality
• 35:20 How men’s sexual performance is used to define manliness
• 37:40 Your feelings are data and you can learn from them
• 39:20 Advice for married couples on how to keep their sex life alive
• 43:15 The spiritual side of sex
• 47:20 Action Step

Useful Links:

• Book: Taking Sexy back
• Dr Alexandra Solomon on Instagram
• Dr Alexandra Solomon on Facebook
• Dr Alexandra Solomon's website
• http://relationshipschool.com/connected

Xavier Dagba is a coach who focuses on shadow integration and trauma informed transformation. He has an inspiring story that emphasizes the power of listening to the voice inside and following your passion no matter the cost. 
Why is shadow work so important? What can you learn from your imposter syndrome? Can envy ever be used in a positive way? Join Jayson and Xavier for a powerful conversation that will change the way you think about yourself and your relationships.

Timestamps:

• 4:08 - Who is Xavier?
• 15:15 - How can you learn to listen to the voice inside?
• 24:18 - Xavier's journey to becoming a mentor
• 31:07 - Shadow integration
• 32:41 - Working with envy in a positive way
• 39:22 - Fatherhood
• 51:40 - What can imposter syndrome teach us?
• 1:04:00 - Xavier's advice for kids
• 1:08:00 - Action step

Links:

• Sign up for Jayson's free Connection Secrets webinar here!
• Find Xavier Dagba online here
• Enroll in Relationship Mastery
• Order Jayson's book: Getting to Zero
• Follow Jayson on social media:
  • Instagram
  • YouTube
  • LinkedIn
  • TikTok
  • Twitter
  • Facebook

• What's porn's place in a relationship? [2:00]
• How porn can negatively affect a relationship [5:00]
• Porn is not the bad guy [7:00]
• Porn, like any compulsion, can be a wedge between two people [10:00]
• Ramifications of porn [12:00]

Reggie is the @DharmaOceanFoundation's co-founder and spiritual director, a university professor (retired) at Naropa University, and a highly respected meditation/dharma teacher. 

Our conversation covers a lot of ground, including how being spiritually minded is not necessarily synonymous with being relationally developed or particularly skillful, and the importance of treating every human with respect, despite any issue or conflict. 

Listen to the full episode to hear more about Reggie and his powerful journey.

Useful Links:

In this coaching session, Jayson works with Becca, a woman navigating a relationship with a partner who doesn’t acknowledge her feelings. How should you deal with a partner who isn’t open to seeking relationship help? What should you do if your partner struggles to handle your emotions? If you're in a relationship with someone who doesn’t recognize your feelings, you won’t want to miss this powerful session.

Timestamps:

• 6:11 - When a partner isn't on board to get help
• 13:00 - When a partner won't recognize your feelings
• 16:50 - Don't settle for not being met

Links:

• Communication Breakthrough System
• Follow Jayson on social media:
  • Instagram
  • YouTube
  • LinkedIn
  • TikTok
  • Twitter
  • Facebook

Are you attending couples therapy but feeling like you're not making progress? Jayson and Ellen delve into why couples often find themselves spinning their wheels and offer insights on how to propel your relationship forward if you're feeling stuck. They also tackle the issue of spiritual bypassing, emphasizing that true letting go is a gradual process.

Timestamps:

• 2:01 - Couples not making progress
• 7:36 - Doing the work
• 22:28 - Overly spiritual couples

Links:

• The End The Struggle With Him Roadmap & Monthly Group Coaching Membership
• U.S. listeners, sign up for relationship tips and support direct to your phone by texting this number: 720-704-4850
• Follow Jayson on social media:
  • Instagram
  • YouTube
  • LinkedIn
  • TikTok

What happens when people get together and train and practice relationship skills together for 9 months? This does. Listen in as these 3 people share intimately about their journey, their connection with each other, and how they became relationship coaches.

Shownotes:

(6:05) Introduction Coaches
(9:00) Bryce Bauer
(11:45) Leah Gartner
(16:50) Steve Srotir
(24:10) Experience on DPIR
(27:30) Personal traits that helps to be a better coach
(39:45) Using what they learned on DPIR to help people
(48:30) Experience of learning in a community of likeminded people

In this episode, Jayson breaks down the three stages of long-term relationships, why they matter and what it takes to advance beyond the three stages to the ultimate partnership phase we all desire.

SHOWNOTES:

• Relationship Stage One: Infatuation [4:00]
• Relationship Stage Two is Challenging! [8:00]
• Earning the RIGHT to Get to Stage Three: True Love [9:00]
• Jayson's Fourth Stage: Love 360 [11:00]

 To view this episode's webpage visit https://relationshipschool.net/podcast187

Pat Ogden PhD is a pioneer when it comes to somatic trauma therapy. Her work has touched many people including me. Even if you don't think you have any trauma, you likely have some living in your body that your partner will activate. In this episode, Pat has some great guidance to normalize and assist you in taking small steps that will greatly benefit you and your partner as you wade through the daily triggers of long-term relationship.

SHOWNOTES

• What got Pat into studying human beings and trauma [10:00]
• How Pat helped women who had difficulty experiencing sexual pleasure [13:00]
• What is trauma? [17:00]
• Why we see the ‘freeze response’ in people who were abused as children [19:00]
• How childhood neglect can show up as trauma in adults [20:00]
• What’s happening in the bodies of a couple who fights all the time? [22:00]
• The pursuer and withdrawer dynamic in relationship [26:00]
• Can we rewire our nervous systems together as a couple? [28:00]
• The significance of the therapist-client bond [33:00]
• What couples can do at home to work with their automatic nervous system responses [37:00]
• Is there harm in retelling a traumatic story? [43:00]
• Pat’s advice on embodying the self [49:00]

Annie Lalla brings the heat in this amazing episode full of love and wisdom. Damn can this woman spin some distinctions and reframe so many challenges with simple, detailed examples of how we can transform our relationships into the magic we long for. I know you're going to dig this one. A must listen to probably 2 or 3 times.

SHOWNOTES

• How to use conflict to access your shadow [10:00]
• Learning to use conflict and complaints to build your relational and emotional muscles [12:00]
• A practical tool to help you become a master of conflict in your relationship [16:00]
• How to handle disagreements in parenting [17:30]
• A specific process you can follow whenever you feel triggered after being criticized [20:00]
• How to effectively deliver feedback in a way that (almost) guarantees a positive reaction from your partner [22:30]
• A powerful breathing & thought exercise to do as soon as you're triggered [24:00]
• The power that pre-emptive delight can have on your emotional 'bank account' [27:15]
• An easy (and fun) way to heal your relationship to your parents [29:00]
• The concept of  'intergenerational envy' and how it can put you back in control of healing your wounds from childhood [32:00]
• How to give and receive feedback without destroying your relationship [36:00]
• For men: how to best use your tone of voice to give feedback that lands with love [37:00]
• The most important role a wife has in her husband's life [39:00]
• An elegant 'family hack' to reduce fights and resentments that you can start using tonight  [40:00]
• What to do if your partner doesn't want to work on your relationship with you [45:00]
• Annie's definition of 'True Love' [47:00]
• Your Action Step [58:00]

Lisa Dion joins Jayson to talk boundaries. Boundaries are one of the most important tools in intimate relationships. How much you struggle to say no can say a lot about how much you value yourself. You must have boundaries if you want to go the distance in a relationship.

Timestamps:

• The huge breakthrough insight about boundaries that Lisa shared with Jayson [6:38]
• The four things our brain is always scanning for to determine if there is a threat or challenge [8:34]
• What is Lisa’s definition of a boundary? [14:30]
• Jayson and Lisa demonstrate how to set a boundary [17:43]
• The big fear we all carry in ourselves [23:15]
• The weakness many of us have when receiving a boundary request [23:12]
• What are the most common feedback signs our body gives us? [27:00]
• The three types of boundaries [32:06]
• Jayson issues a boundary challenge [45:08]

Links:

• http://lisa-dion.com
• http://synergeticplaytherapy.com
• Enroll in Relationship Mastery
• Order Jayson's book: Getting to Zero
• U.S. listeners, sign up for relationship tips and support direct to your phone by texting this number: 720-704-4850
• Follow Jayson on social media:
  • Instagram
  • YouTube
  • LinkedIn
  • TikTok
  • Twitter
  • Facebook

Running away from relationship pain and problems often just creates more problems. Here I remind you why facing pain is useful. Check it out. Now.

SHOWNOTES

• The simple point of relationship pain. [10:00]
• The smarter strategy when you’re triggered by your partner. [10:45]
• How Jayson’s back pain woke him up to something deeper. [13:15]
• Erectile dysfunction and Viagra as an example of what NOT to do with relationship pain. [16:00]
• The big signs that you’re hitting the snooze button on your relationship pain. [18:30]
• Jayson gives your action step. [23:00]

Ever wonder why oxytocin is called the “Love Drug?” This week, Dr. Sue Carter, author of "Attachment and Bonding: A New Synthesis” joins me in a very interesting discussion on why oxytocin is one of the primary glues that keeps long-term relationships together.

According to Dr. Sue Carter, without oxytocin, we probably would not have been able to evolve into the complex creatures that we are today. If you have always wanted to know the relationship between oxytocin and attachment dynamics, you’ll want to check this out.

Shownotes:

• 2:50 Introduction - Dr. Sue Carter
• 10:15 Pair bonding, relationships and the origins of oxytocin
• 19:40 Oxytocin fluctuations and a sense of safety
• 17:45 The influence of oxytocin on our relationships
• 34:40 Effects of oxytocin on men and women
• 39:15 Action Step

Useful Links:

• https://relationshipschool.com/training

Did I interview Yoda or just world renowned human behavior specialist Dr. John Demartini? Okay, buckle your seat belt for this one and be prepared to have some of your paradigms twisted and your feathers ruffled. I could have grilled this guy for hours, but I kept it to one hour to respect his time. Be sure to listen to this one twice and take notes.  From no one being committed to you, to the fact that everyone is dishonest, I’m sure this episode will confront and serve you in many helpful ways. Enjoy!

SHOWNOTES

• The one statement Dr. Demartini said that rocked Jayson’s world.  [7:45]
• How infatuation is an insight to ourselves. [10:30]
• Dr. Demartini’s relationship status? [11:30]
• Do long-distance relationships work? [12:30]
• How to be true to yourself in relationships. [15:45]
• Dr. Demartini’s date with a 95 year-old lady. [23:00]
• How our values powerfully influence our lives. [24:45]
• What about when two partners have opposite values? [27:00]
• What’s the link between health, stress and values? [32:30]
• What happens if we run from challenge? [35:00]
• How to deal with someone who is lying to you. [43:15]
• What about sexual polarity and passion in relationships?  [45:15]
• Is quantum entanglement a real phenomenon? [49:00]
• Why do we tend to attract partners who mimic our parents? [55:45]
• If you’ve been hurt in a relationship, do you need to heal through relationship? [58:30]

There’s been a surge in alternative, traditional methods to healing our deepest wounds. One of the main approaches that has gained popularity here in America is the use of the traditional South American brew, Ayahuasca, in guided ceremonies.

Dr Gabor Maté, renowned addiction expert, and writer, is back for a second conversation to discuss the benefits & cautions to using Ayahuasca. In this conversation, we also discuss many natural (non-medicinal) methods to healing trauma through the power of present-moment awareness practices, safe relationships and creating space for healing.

Here are a few of the highlights:

SHOWNOTES

• Where Western medicine succeeds & fails [11:00]
• What traditional rituals can teach us about healing [13:00]
• How Ayahuasca works and why it’s used [16:00]
• Finding the roots of our trauma [29:00]
• Dealing with trauma using present-moment awareness [32:00]
• Why we need to create space in our lives for healing and rest [38:00]

Somatic Abolitonist, Resmaa Menakem, shares a true story about racial discrimination between the police and his family. 

He also challenges the hell out of me. 

Man, this was a good one, very intense. I learned a ton. 

I continue to learn about how me, as a white heterosexual male, can improve in the area of race, equity and diversity. 

This is a pretty charged episode. Trigger warning. 

Check it out.

Shownotes:

• 5:25 Introduction Resmaa Menakem
• 9:35 Fearing racism deep-rooted in society
• 15:05 The necessary work to make a shift in society
• 21:30 How white people can address racial problems and understand black people
• 34:00 How trauma stays in people’s bodies and transforms through time
• 35:00 Cultural baggage
• 37:20 Racism manifested in police agencies
• 49:05 Diversity, equity, and inclusion trainings
• 58:10 What does the work of healing cultural trauma looks like for white people
• 1:11:35 How training black people differs from training white people
• 1:21:50 Action step

Useful Links:

• https://www.resmaa.com/
• https://www.instagram.com/resmaamenakem/?hl=en
• https://relationshipschool.com/connected/
• https://relationshipschool.com/community/

IN THIS EPISODE, You will learn:

• To see your partner as a sacred mirror and sanctuary for the growing your greatest actualized self
• The true characteristics of a long-term partnership
• How your partnership is the optimal container for complete transformation of yourself into the highest possible version imaginable
• How to fall in love and why this is more important than being married
• How to take radical responsibility for being loved in every moment of your life
• How to actually get your needs/wants met in a partnership
• How to know if conflict in your relationship is driving you toward or away from more magnificence

There’s a ton in this episode so dive in and go slow.

And, Here’s a great question from Annie to ask yourself if you are trying to decide to stay or leave:

Is the person I’m being called to become by what my partner’s asking me to become (if you take on the growth-development framework), will you become a more extraordinary version of yourself? If who they are asking you to become is a constricted, small, tight version of you, then this is probably not the person you want to be with.

However, if you identify as the smaller version of you, then, you are going to hear your partner’s feedback as criticism and blame and might make them wrong in the process. So, pay attention to these finer points.

Timestamps:

• 1:47 - What are we getting into when we say yes to long-term relationships?
• 6:04 - Becoming the best version of yourself
• 9:49 - Annie's story
• 16:48 - Taking responsibility when we don't feel loved
• 21:35 - Getting out of your victimhood
• 30:34 - When to leave

Links:

• Annie Lalla – Love Coach for Singles & Couples
• Apply to Relationship Coach Training
• Follow Jayson on social media:
  • Instagram
  • YouTube
  • LinkedIn
  • TikTok

QUESTION:
What are your thoughts on the ‘Don’t go to bed angry’ rule?

SHOWNOTES

• This episode's question [1:00]
• When taking a time-out overnight is the best thing you can do [3:00]
• Rigid rules vs agreements [6:00]
• How you can make agreements with your partner that leave room for flexibility [8:00]

Co-dependency gets a bad rap in most circles. I used to shame it as well. Yet, as I’ve matured, I’ve come to see that there is a lot of value to be found in co-dependency, yet it’s important to know the difference between the more neurotic kind and the wisdom kind. In this episode I go into what co-dependency is, where it comes from, and how we can relate to it with grace and honesty in our long-term relationships.

SHOWNOTES:

• How does Jayson define co-dependency? [1:30]
• Our two fundamental drives as human beings [3:40]
• The dance of authentic co-dependency [12:00]
• What’s cool about the drive to be authentic… [17:00]

• Why Do Couples Fight? [5:00]
• Expecting Your Partner To Fulfill Your Unmet Childhood Needs [10:00]
• What Does It Take To Love Your Partner More Than Yourself? [19:00]
• The Importance Of Being Present [26:00]
• Applying The Still Face Experiment & Being Present To Adult Interaction [35:00]
• Turning Being Present With Each Other Into A Spiritual Practice [42:00]
• How To Inspire Change In Your Partner [45:00]
• How To Heal Insecure Attachment [50:00]
• Helping Your Partner Recover From Dysregulation [54:00]
• Why Caring For Your Relationship IS Self-Care [55:00]
• Learning What Your Partner Really Needs [1:07:00]
• Harville's Thoughts On Co-Dependency & Co-Regulation [1:15:00]
• When Only One Of You Is Willing To Do The Work Is There Any Point? [1:19:00]  
• Changes In The New Version of Getting The Love You Want [1:25:00] 

What do you think of when you hear someone mention self-soothing? Maybe some coping behaviors you learned as a child or have seen children exhibit?Sometimes those behaviors can carry over into our adult lives (glass of wine after a rough day...or zoning out in front of the TV/game system, perhaps). But how do those self-soothing behaviors fit into adult relationships—or should they at all?

This week, Ellen and I answer a listener question on this subject. Check out the podcast episode here.

Useful Links:

rs.com/training
gettingtozerobook.com/pre-order

QUESTION:
I understand that men generally will put career and providing at the top of their priority list, while relationships might hover near the bottom. Relationship is a top priority for me, so how do I get to the place where i’m ok with not being at the top of the list for my guy?
How do I not take it personally? Do I need to be looking for someone who’ll put our relationship at the top of their list and make me a priority - or is that a childhood fantasy?
 - Vanessa from Santa Monica

SHOWNOTES

• Vanessa's question [1:00]
• Understanding what it takes for a fulfilling relationship  [2:00]
• When two people in a relationship have different values [3:00]
• How you can express your hurt to your partner without getting 'blamey' [4:00]
• Should you learn to be okay with not being a priority to your partner? [5:00]

Spiritual well-being can be an amazing thing…

But is it stunting your personal growth?

This week, Psychotherapist Robert Masters and I talk about the dangers of spiritual bypassing, and why it’s so prevalent in today’s wellness culture.

To learn more about spiritual bypassing, and how you can avoid it, tune into my recent podcast.

Useful Links:

• http://relationshipschool.com/training
• http://relationshipschool.com/challenge
• https://relationshipschool.com/lytyoga
• https://www.robertmasters.com/

One of my mentors, Dan Siegel, is back on the podcast for his 3rd interview. 

This time, we dive deep into attachment-based parenting. Dan’s work, which my wife and I study intently, is how I parent my own children. The cool thing about Dan is what a nerd he is around research-based approaches and information. 

We cover the 4 S’s from his “Power of Showing Up” book. It’s so good. 

Check it out and please apply this to your own parenting (if you are one). 

Useful Links:

• https://relationshipschool.com/connected
• Dan Siegel's website
• The Power Of Showing Up
• Attachment from infancy to adulthood

Are you practicing social distancing? How are you doing this without being a jerk? BOUNDARIES. :)  Here are a few simple tips and my thoughts on how we can stay connected during this crisis. These are intense times and I encourage you to stay at home and learn.

Useful Links:

http://relationshipschool.com/connected https://coronavirus.jhu.edu/ https://www.worldometers.info/coronavirus/ Chris kresser- RHR: Everything You Need to Know about Coronavirus, with Dr. Ramzi Asfour https://chriskresser.com/everything-you-need-to-know-about-coronavirus-with-dr-ramzi-asfour/ Sam Harris podcast - Making Sense https://samharris.org/podcasts/191-early-thoughts-pandemic/

Depending on your situation, the pandemic and economic uncertainty can leave any “normal” person feeling out of control, overwhelmed, or afraid.

So, here is a great interview with my friend who is a skilled meditation instructor.

Cory walks you through a simple process you can do in 5-10 minutes that will help you calm down and regain control of your thinking and your emotions.

Please listen and/or forward to someone you know who is struggling.

• (3:20) Introduction Cory Muscara
• (15:50) Looking for answers in the wrong people
• (19:55) Core teachings at Cory’s retreats
• (23:05) Meditation practice to achieve an internal sense of safety on these difficult times
• (35:10) Reviewing the 5 steps to work on our fears and frustrations
• (39:15) How this meditation practices help you be more proactive with your situation
• (43:25) Self-acceptance vs. self-mastery
• (50:35) Explaining the concept of “Developing/cultivating a witness”
• (59:25) Final advice from Cory
• (1:03:30) Action Step

It’s normal in relationships to be growing at a different rate than your partner. But as one listener asks, how can you deal with the difference…and how long should you wait to be on the same page?

This is a great question, and Ellen and I share our thoughts on it in this week’s episode. Listen for both of our perspectives—and let us know your thoughts as well! We love to hear your feedback. 

Useful Links:

Are you a "dad to be," or are you already on the field but want to up your parenting game and become the kind of father and husband you always wanted to be (i.e., sincerely present and very engaged)?

Buckle up for a candid, special, extra-long episode geared explicitly for dads with advice on pre-birth, birth (how to support the process and show up), and post-birth (notes on sleep, sex, healthy brain development, post-partum, technological considerations, carrying your child) and more.

Useful Links:

Join Jayson and Ellen’s in-depth chat as they talk through listeners' questions in this Ask me Anything episode. Betty asks about a tough financial situation, Jean is looking for tips on how to break the toxic cycle of always being told it's your fault by their partner, Christy is struggling to differentiate between love addiction and being in love, and Alyssia is looking for advice on how to handle mixed messages. Tune in as they offer guidance on creating a strong foundation based on mutual respect to build healthy and fulfilling relationships.

Timestamps:

• 1:12 - Financial conversations
• 14:05 - Space in a relationship
• 17:40 - Love addiction vs. being in love
• 29:23 - Mixed messages

Links:

• Apply to Relationship Coach Training
• Enroll in Relationship Mastery
• The Most Important Question To Ask To Determine If You Are Compatible - Jayson & Ellen - 372
• Follow Jayson on social media:
  • Instagram
  • YouTube
  • LinkedIn
  • TikTok
  • Twitter
  • Facebook

In episode 295 of the podcast I continue our race conversation with Michael Taylor and Jon Walton, 2 friends of TRS whose life’s work is to educate others and lift up people of color.

Check it out.

Shownotes:

Do you know the fastest way to get the connection back? Or how about how to feel accepted and not judged by your partner? Listen here as I offer you a few tips to get both.

• (1:50) Falling into Victimhood when you don’t feel accepted
• (4:12) The first step is to connect with yourself
• (8:40) The feeling of being accepted
• (11:25) Relationship School Event November 7th

If your partner gets angry and it triggers you, listen to this one. There are a couple of basic things you can do to support each other.

QUESTION

From Kristen in Philadelphia:

Just want to thank you for everything you’ve done with the podcast - it’s had a tremendous impact on my life.
I wanted to ask you a question about healthy expressions of frustration and conflict.
I have a partnership with someone I really love and sometimes, in conflict when he’s extremely frustrated, he tends to pound a pillow or grunt or do some physical manifestation of his frustration. He tends to be more of a fighter - I’m more like freeze/flight. I have a history of physical and sexual abuse. I’ve done a lot of work with it, with EMDR and stuff like that, but still, when he does that in conflict, I find it super triggering, I get really afraid.
I talked to him about that and asked him if he could refrain from doing it around me and he was responsive, but I’m wondering if that’s healthy and something I should adapt to and allow for or if it is fair or reasonable for me to not want him to do it? Any of your thoughts would be super helpful, thanks!

• What is a healthy expression of anger? [3:00]
• A powerful technique for handling things when you're triggered [7:00]
• How to deal with root-cause of anger long-term [8:00]

Want some help understanding what the opposite sex thinks and feels about being partners, parents, cohabitating, careers, etc.?

Care to learn how to structure leadership equitably with your partner?

Can you identify with stereotypical gender roles—specifically with couples who are also parents?

Curious to learn why some men resist or devalue hands-on parenting?

Join Jayson and Ellen as they unpack how gender roles play into your most intimate relationship, how they relate to our cultural landscape, and how to structure leadership/relate to each other as partners and co-parents.

Useful Links:

Are you ready to break free from the chains of victimhood and embrace empowerment? Join Jayson and Ellen in this episode as they dive deep into the complexities of fault versus responsibility. They also discuss the struggle between victimhood and authorship. Explore empowering perspectives, real-life stories, and learn how to transform challenges into personal growth opportunities. You won't want to miss this as they challenge the norms compassionately, fostering self-reflection and self-discovery without blame. Find out what got Ellen saying "Honey, We Should Have Talked Before You Posted.”

Timestamps:

• 0:53 - Fault vs. responsibility
• 3:25 - Context
• 7:00 - Why do people get attached to their victim stance?
• 16:51 - Finding your part in painful experiences
• 27:48 - Learning about yourself through painful experiences
• 32:43 - When to take responsibility
• 35:23 - Why does resilience vary between people?
• 43:00 - What you gain by transcending your pain
• 45:43 - Dealing with victim dynamics as a coach or a therapist
• 51:20 - How Jayson deals with his victim consciousness
• 54:09 - Personal development vs. forgiveness
• 58:58 - Moving from victim to author

Links:

• Apply to Relationship Coach Training
• Enroll in Relationship Mastery
• Get 50% off your first month of relationship coaching with the promo code "First50"
• Follow Jayson on social media:
  • Instagram
  • YouTube
  • LinkedIn
  • TikTok
  • Twitter
  • Facebook

Question: We’ve been together 3 months and I’ve been on a path  of self development for many years.  My new partner is very new to inner work and has not prioritized that. He’s open and he’s curious but he’s new to it all.  There’s a lot of fear there for me because I’m worries as we get to know each other his lack of self awareness and self understanding might create blocks.  I’ve let him know this but I’m not sure whether I should just walk away now and try find somebody who I feel can meet me as an equal, or just accept him as he is. What is the healthiest thing to do in this situation?

• Finding reasons why our partner ‘isn’t enough’. [2:00]
• Why it’s hard if one partner doesn’t want to grow in the relationship [4:00]
• If your partner is interested but slower [8:00]

Question: Is it a good idea to tell a prospective partner your non-negotiable about personal development right off the bat?

• Laying your values on the table [12:00]
• We all are directing our ‘growth and development’ energy somewhere [14:00]
• It’s about priorities, not time. [16:00]

Do you ever wonder if your relationship pain guides you deeper into whatever you need to heal yourself? 

What kind of relationship do you have with God? With reality? 

In this explorative and enlightening interview, Andrew Harvey explores how to create evolutionary love that is much bigger than the "you" you know yourself to be. Hang on tight for a mind-blowing ride as Andrew shares his perspective on how relationship work is sacred. He also shares how it serves your soul's calling. 

Tune in and feel free to share your thoughts, feelings, and experience in the comments.

Timestamps:

• Andrew’s definition of true love [11:00]
• Why is love hard? [12:00]
• 3 ways to build and cultivate true love [14:00]
• ‘The shadow’ and an exercise in shadow-work [22:00]
• Taking responsibility for disowned parts of yourself [29:00]
• Advice about purpose for when you’re feeling lost in life [30:00]
• The role of suffering on a spiritual path [40:00]
• A quote by Rumi [42:00]
• What is the most important thing people need to learn in relationship? [44:00]

Links:

• Andrew’s website
• Book: Evolutionary Love Relationships
• Order Jayson's book: Getting to Zero
• Get 50% off your first month of relationship coaching with the promo code "First50"
• Apply to Relationship Coach Training

Are you just defaulting to monogamy?

Ever GENUINELY asked yourself, "Would a different sexual model work better for me?"

Author, sex-advice columnist, podcaster and public speaker, Dan Savage, says we should all ask ourselves these questions regularly. Dan and his husband have chosen what they call a "monogamish" relationship. They've accepted that it's impossible to fulfill all your partner's needs and that's a message we can all learn from.

We usually focus on monogamous long-term relationships, but in this episode, we'll learn about how all types of relationships can be successful. Listen in and get ready for some introspection into your own sexual expression.

SHOWNOTES:

• What It Means To Be "Monogamish" [2:00]
• Culture’s Lies About Love & Why You’ll Never Be Enough [9:00]
• Advice For Bringing A Third Person Into Your Relationship [13:00]
• Why Non-Monogamy In A Gay Partnership Can Be Easier Straight Relationships [21:00]
• Thoughts On Transforming The Broken Monogamy Model [28:00]
• Dan Savage’s Journey To Becoming Monogamish [30:00]
• How Dan And His Husband Work Out Their Differences [34:00]
• Is Infidelity Really The Ultimate Betrayal? [41:00]
• The Consequences Of Denying Your Sexual Needs [46:00]
• Closing Thoughts [51:00]

For the full Smart Couple Podcast webpage for this episode featuring Dan Savage visit https://relationshipschool.net/podcast201

We all can’t deny the world is in a precarious place these days for many reasons. So what are some things we can do to improve the state we’re in?

I talk in this week’s podcast episode with author and speaker Danielle LaPorte, whose calm demeanor and beneficial guidance on subjects like parenting, relationships, love, and simplifying will make you think about what you can do to change your world.

Take a listen to the episode and see what you think.

Useful Links:

https://relationshipschool.com/getcoachingnow https://relationshipschool.com/masterclass/ https://www.gettingtozerobook.com/

Do you feel safe and secure? Seen and understood? Supported and loved? On a daily basis? These are questions you NEED to be asking yourself. Unless you’re perfect, your answers will expose the reasons why it’s a really good idea to enroll in the Deep Psychology of Intimate Relationships (DPIR)® course.

Think about it. Even science proves relationships are the most important link to happiness. Failed relationships with partners, family members and friends are some of the most damaging events in our lives. Divorces and therapists cost a fortune! Don’t just clean up after unsuccessful relationships LEARN TO NAVIGATE THOSE HARDSHIPS IN THE FIRST PLACE!

In this episode, Jayson breaks down all the reasons why DPIR® is so worth it and answers your questions about the course.

• Why Interacting With Family Can Be So Difficult [1:30]
• Terri Cole’s Family Experience [3:30]
• The Importance Of Boundaries and Language With Family [7:30]
• Examples Of Managing Family Dysfunction Successfully [9:30]
• Strategies For Avoiding Unwanted Conversations With Family [14:30]
• Is It Okay To Just Walk Away From Shitty Family Conversations? [23:00]
• Taking A Break From Family And Avoiding Family Holidays Altogether [25:00]
• When Mom And Partner Are Competing For Attention [29:00]

Links:

• Apply to Relationship Coach Training
• U.S. listeners, sign up for relationship tips and support direct to your phone by texting this number: 720-704-4850
• Terri Cole - Psychotherapist and Relationship Expert
• Follow Jayson on social media:
  • Instagram
  • YouTube
  • LinkedIn
  • TikTok

Did you know the longest study conducted by Harvard University on human behavior found that the single biggest determining factor of a well-lived life was based on the quality of relationships the participants had?

In today’s podcast, I give a few more examples of human behavioral studies showing how relationships affect the overall quality of life. I also give tips on how moving forward with your relationships with yourself and others are going to fit into all the challenges that lie ahead in the new year.

• https://relationshipschool.com/training

Here at The Relationship School®, we focus on the long-term relationship game.

But what if you're ready for a relationship but can't find one?

This week, I invited Marni Battista to help shed some light on how single women can break out of their comfort zones, start dating and find a quality guy (without repeating the same patterns over and over again).

Make sure to listen for her advice on how to get past the last 10% of unconscious patterns that keep most single women stuck in their comfort zone.

Here are a few of the highlights:

SHOWNOTES

• How Marni became a dating coach [9:00]
• Learning from mistakes and ‘bad dates’ [15:00]
• How people get stuck in blame and attract bad dates [16:00]
• How dating can reveal where you have unfinished self-work [24:00]
• What Marni calls the ‘love shield’ and how it can keep you stuck [26:00]
• The danger of quick-fix dating solutions [32:00]
• Baby-steps for women who need to leave a bad relationship [44:00]
• Does it matter how you date in the modern world? [36:00]
• The trap of binge-dating and burning out [38:00]
• The most common mistake people make in their dating profiles [40:00]
• Should you tell your date your non-negotiables on the first date? [43:00]
• Advice for singles who are dating [45:00]

Is it okay to have expectations in relationships?

My answer is nuanced. It’s a YES, and it’s a No.

Listen to this short podcast and discover the six expectations that I think are totally reasonable to have in a relationship, especially a partnership.

• Are You Fixing People to Boost Your Control? [8:00]
• Overusing of the "Narcissist" Title [16:00]
• The Value of Accessing Your Anger [21:00]
• So Your Relationships Are Tough - Stop Running! [28:00]
• How to Tap Into Your Inner Warrior [31:00]
• Skillful and Attractive Anger [34:00]
• Staying in The Hurt [48:00]
• Why You Should Be Going to Conferences (Like MOTU) [52:00]
• Leaving Friends Behind When You’re Growing [54:00]

Conflict is almost always a growth opportunity, and you’re going to experience it in every relationship. But is it possible to have too much conflict in your relationship? If so, how do you know you’ve reached that point—and what can you do about it? Check out this week’s episode, where Ellen and I give our perspectives on the subject.

Useful Links: 

• https://www.relationshipschool.com/training
• http://relationshipschool.com/mrc
• https://www.gettingtozerobook.com/