Playing With Fire (Joli Hamilton)

"Our relationships with others can only be as strong as our relationship with ourselves." That's just one insight we hear about in this episode during our talk with Melissa. We talk about how to tell the difference between internal and external boundaries, being in integrity, and grounding deeply in our body to help us know what our boundaries need to be. 

Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube

Melissa is a very experienced guide for people interested in a lifelong journey of growth. If that's you, you should check out her website at www.highersexeducation.com.

If you are as excited as we are about applying for Melissa's boundaries course you can go directly to the application: www.HigherSexEducation.com/boundless-living

It's our 100th episode of Playing with Fire!

This podcast was intended to be 13 episodes to cover each chapter of Joli's first book... and here we are with 100 episodes in and feeling more excited about this shared project than we ever dreamed.

Every relationship benefits from a shared purpose (see episode 65), but so often, the shared project defaults to householding and/or kids. 

Proactively creating shared purpose beyond the banal is an option. For us, it's been a magnificent addition to our connection. Especially as our kids grow up and we face a (sort-of) empty nest during the college years- it was looking easier to turn to other relationships for creative, vulnerable fun. And then Playing with Fire was born.

This episode is highly personal and also designed to be inspirational. 

We did what we do whenever we are having a relationship retrospective: one part analysis (Ken's a scrum guy, of course), one part gratitude, and one part weird. I love adding the weird- why even bother being alive if not to be weird?

Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com

Struggling with your own jealousy? 

Partner struggling with jealousy?

Friends/community arguing about how to handle jealousy?

This episode was MADE for you.

The jealousy roadmap emerged directly from my qualitative research on jealousy. Since then I’ve put it to the test with hundreds of people- it works. 

And I want you to have it for free because jealousy is a normal emotion and you deserve to feel empowered to work with jealousy proactively.

You’ll also want to download >>>The Jealousy Roadmap Workbook HERE

BONUS!!! If this gets you excited, take the next step and download The Jealousy Masterclass — a 3-hour seminar and 30-page workbook perfect for continuing your jealousy shadow work  50% off because I LOVE that you are diving into your jealousy work!  

GET THE JEALOUSY MASTERCLASS 50% off

Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com

Stuck on step 5 of the jealousy roadmap? Nurture Compersion by checking out Dr. Marie Thouin's work at www.WhatIsCompersion.com

To kick off season 2 we are responding to a request from a listener who asked "Why are you polyamorous?" Joli studied consensual non-monogamies as a research psychologist but it is also an important part of our personal relationship design. We are talking about what polyamory is, why it works for us, and how it feels to put your heart in someone's hand without the rules of monogamy.

Consensual non-monogamy isn't the right fit for everyone, monogamy is beautiful and a great choice for lots of people. But, polyamory has been making a lot of headlines and popping up in storylines more and more. If you are curious about what it looks like from the inside, have a listen. We've found that no matter what relationship style you choose, we can all learn from each other.

Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube

Follow Joli on Instagram

Buy Project Relationship the book

Learn more about working with Joli and to listen to her TedX talk

Veto power: What is it? What are the pros of cons of using it in polyamorous relationships? Could the desire to exercise it be a relic from your monomind?

Spoiler alert: we aren’t fans of veto power. It can feel like a protective measure, but veto power can actually inhibit the trust and personal growth that makes relationships strong.

There are many ways to create safety and negotiate boundaries without having to incorporate a power imbalance into your love life—and we’re talking about them in this episode. We also share some of our own experiences with veto power, and answer a lot of questions you may have about metamours, negotiation, and much more.

If you’ve used veto power in your relationships before, it’s never to late to revisit the conversation—no matter how challenging that may be!

Get the support you NEED to have the open relationship you WANT in my year-long group program, The Year Of Opening. Go here now >>> www.TheYearOfOpening.com

Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com

Consent can be a difficult topic for everyone. And there's a particularly large gap in our cultural conversations, sexual education, and practical skill development when it comes to consent and men. So many men (and that includes anyone who identifies as a man!) know there’s a problem, and want to do better, but aren’t entirely sure how to fix it.

Our guest for this episode, Dr. Eric Fitzmedrud is here to remedy that. His work dives deep and does not shy away from difficult conversations. He knows from his own experiences, and from his experiences as a therapist, how important support and connection are for men, and how often men struggle to find it, because of our suffocating cultural norms around masculinity.

No man can—or should—live up to the 2-dimensional, patriarchal image of what a man is supposed to be. So many people know that, but when we’re faced with difficult situations, it’s easy to slip back into outdated gender roles. In this episode, we’re digging into how you can develop the emotional skills you need to navigate these relationship challenges with more nuance and integrity.

Eric FitzMedrud is a therapist specializing in relationship and sexual issues in the San Francisco Bay Area. His specialty is helping men improve their sex lives by learning to regulate emotions, remove sexual entitlement, and hone sexual consent and negotiation skills. FitzMedrud is a member of the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists. He has been published in academic books, presented at conferences, and taught many graduate courses in psychology. He is polyamorous, bisexual, and lives with his wife of twenty-three years and his life partner of six years in San Francisco’s East Bay area, California.

Read Dr. FitzMedrud’s new book HERE

Get the support you NEED to have the open relationship you WANT in my year-long group program, The Year Of Opening. Go here now >>> www.TheYearOfOpening.com

Playing With Fire has been featured as one of the top 5 ⁠⁠best non-monogamy podcasts⁠⁠!

Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at⁠⁠ www.JoliQuiz.com⁠

Have you ever wondered how other people use porn? In this episode we talk about our own personal answers to that question, including de-stigmatizing porn, sharing it with each other, and ensuring that we are using ethical sources.

We've included some links in these show notes to ethical porn sources as well as social media links for some great sex workers and sex educators who advocate for erotic freedom and provide high-quality education about sex and sex work.

A very porn-knowledgable sex educator to follow @stripperwriter

Some ethical porn sources:

https://www.bellesa.co/

https://xconfessions.com/

https://www.kink.com/

oooo... and if you like audible erotic stories absolutely check out 

https://www.dipseastories.com/

Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube

Get the book Project Relationship

Learn about Joli and how to work with her

If you want to stay up to date on Joli's jealousy work be sure to join the Project Relationship mailing list

Last time we talked about managing hard times. What about the good times? Sometimes our partner will be having wins, and maybe we're not, and those times can be challenging too. What can we do to help our partner grow into themselves more? How can we help each other grow? How can we maintain and develop our connection when it looks like things might be changing? In this episode we talk about our experiences with this situation, and offer some things we do that help those times develop our relationship. 

Follow Joli on Instagram

Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube

Have you ever had really strong feelings for someone— so strong that they took over your brain (and maybe even your life)? That kind of obsession can be super exciting, but it can also have big consequences.

Limerence and New Relationship Energy are two kinds of intense romantic fixation that have some key differences, and we’re diving deep into both of them.

We’ve been there—and that’s why we want to help you navigate these (exciting, scary, complicated… the list goes on!!) states of being.

In this episode, we’re covering:

— Symptoms and characteristics of limerence, including intrusive thoughts and ambiguity

— How NRE can disrupt or challenge existing relationships in the context of non-monogamy

— Our own personal experiences with limerence and NRE, and the challenges it brought to our relationships

— The difference between limerence and NRE, and why making that distinction can help you better understand your feelings

— The psychological effects of limerence, and why it involves so much asymmetry

— The role of projections in and their impact on new, limerent, and existing relationships

— Strategies for navigating NRE and limerence, including communication, boundaries, and self-compassion

Resources mentioned in this episode:

— The book The Limerent Mind by Lucy Bain

— The book Living With Limerence by Dr. L

— Love and Limerence: The Experience of Being in Love by Dorothy Tennov

— Dr. Sophia Graham on signs that new relationship energy may be problematic

Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at⁠⁠ ⁠www.JoliQuiz.com⁠

Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here

Read the transcript of this episode here

Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

Burnout sucks, and it's everywhere. We talk with Jim Young, The Centered Coach, about his book Expansive Intimacy and about intimacy as the opposite of burnout. His book will be available this fall (2022).

Check out Jim's website at www.thecenteredcoach.com.

Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com

You can see the transcript on Joli's blog, a word from Joli

Finding a way to play with our partner can change how we experience life. In this episode, we are talking about how we introduce the joy of play into relating, parenting, running a household, and yes, sex too. Married life has piled up the responsibilities but playfulness has been the most consistent way to put the magic back into the mundane.

Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube

Sexual fantasies are exciting, but not everyone feels comfortable sharing them with their partner. This week we are talking about how we figured out what each of us needs in order to feel safe to share our fantasies. There is no right or wrong, but fantasy can wake up the beast of jealousy and its best friend shame. What do we do when that happens? How do we get past the junk and revel in sharing our sexiest fantasies?

We have spent years developing our ability to do exactly this and it is now one of the best parts of our life together. It all started with a few brave words and a lot of patience.

We also got into the nuances between privacy and secrecy jumping off from the work of Vienna Pharaon (Check them out on Insta @mindfulmft). 

If you’ve struggled with trying to speak your sexy with your partner, this episode can’t be missed!

Learn more about Project Relationship at JoliHamilton.com

Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube

Attachment theory has been all the rage recently, and hey, we get it - it’s a super helpful tool that comes up a lot in our work! But we’ve also been noticing some common pitfalls that are easy to stumble into while exploring the world of attachment styles. Labels like anxious, avoidant, or disorganized can feel quite restrictive, especially when people start to assume them as an identity.

Here’s the thing: you are a whole, complex, multifaceted person, and every relationship you have is going to be a little (or a lot!) different when it comes to attachment. That’s why, in this episode, we break down a fresh perspective on attachment, focusing on our tendencies instead of rigid labels.

We discuss the importance of context and nuance within conversations about attachment, especially when it comes to non-monogamous relationships. Plus, we talk about why there's a real need for more research in this area – and nope, it's not just because I'm a total research nerd!

Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at⁠⁠ ⁠www.JoliQuiz.com⁠

Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here

Read the transcript of this episode here

Our partner's family can add some challenges to our relationship. In this episode we talk about our own experiences, our mistakes, our successes, and how our relationship deepens because of all of that. Boundary setting plays an important role in all of this, so we refer to the fantastic book Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself by Nedra Glover Tawwab, and recommend it as a resource for anyone wanting to improve those skills. 

Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube

I (Joli) love romantic friendships. Ones that have a deeply intimate quality and the capacity to have honest conversations about boundaries and relationship agreements. Ones that feel soft, warm, and connected. But romantic friendships scare some people- it makes sense because they are one way we can live  beyond the boxes of patriarchal convention. Developing romantic friendships takes intentionality and creativity... and it's totally worth it! There are two big takeaways at the end that will get you started breaking the norms and building the friendships you truly want!

Are you ready to have an unconventional love? Take this 2 minute quiz and see!

Have you ever felt like you’re caught in a mix of jealousy and compersion? Like you want to be happy for your partner, but there’s also this feeling of jealousy tugging at you? You are so not alone. Dr. Marie Thouin has joined us on Playing With Fire before, but this time is extra special, because we’ve coined a new word for that conflicted feeling—comperstruggle! And we’re telling you all about it.

Making the transition from comperstruggle to compersion isn’t always easy, but in this episode we go deep into how self-care, working with your emotions, and strong agreements and communication with your partners can make all the difference while you navigate this challenging space.

Go to WhatIsCompersion.com to book a FREE 30-minute session with Dr. Marie Thouin, and to download her compersion worksheet

Follow her on Instagram @love_insight_dating⁠⁠

Read more about comperstruggle on my blog⁠

JOIN The Year of Opening community for a full year of learning & support. The waitlist is open now at www.theyearofopening.com

Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com

Sex is a spot that easily leads to misunderstandings, even for a couple who are on the same page in so many ways! In this episode, Ken and Joli talk about how one seemingly-simple question led to a total reimagining of what sex could be in their relationship. With a little courage and a sense of humor, talking about sex can bring you closer together even during stressful times. It's not about how much sex you are having (or not!) but how to get on the same page about what you could create together.

Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube

It's totally normal to be moody, triggered, and reactive but it takes a TOLL on your relationships if you don't know how to get back out of those states.

You perceive the world---and all your relationships---through your nervous system. Sensory information comes in and your brain interprets it. So it makes sense that learning how to regulate your nervous system is a key part of making your relationship feel safe and satisfying. 

This has all felt like a great idea for a long time but learning practical tools--and when exactly to use them--really changed everything. 

Watch this episode on YouTube

Not sure you're ready yet? Take the quiz to find out if you're Ready to Open Up Happily?

Communication, transitions, new relationship energy, oh my! Being a hinge partner between multiple consensually non-monogamous relationships can be so overwhelming. Don’t worry—in this second episode of our hinge skills series, we’re diving even deeper into the skills you can develop that could take you from squeaky hinge to skillful tapestry weaver.

We discuss all the tricky aspects of polyamorous relationships and metamours—needs, boundaries, emotions, schedules, energy levels, the list goes on…—and how you can bring these various pieces into harmony.

Get the support you NEED to have the open relationship you WANT in my year-long group program, The Year Of Opening. Go here now >>> www.TheYearOfOpening.com

Playing With Fire has been featured as one of the top 5 best non-monogamy podcasts!

Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com

How do we navigate those times in our relationships when trust has been violated? How can we respond in ways that increase the chance of reconnection? Are there ways to avoid situations that cause trust troubles? In this episode we talk about some of our experiences building and rebuilding trust, and share some strategies for navigating trust issues.

Get my free top 5 relationship guides at ListenToJoli.com for easy to implement conversations that will help you create the love you really want.

Get the book Project Relationship

Learn about Joli and how to work with her

If you want to stay up to date on all of Joli's work be sure to join the Project Relationship mailing list

Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube

We get this question a lot. But there are some questions lying under the surface of this one… first and foremost, will non-monogamy make it possible for us to not deal with all the shit that we just don't want to deal with?? It probably won’t surprise you to hear that our answers to these questions are nuanced, complicated, and exciting, but also possibly dysregulating!! To answer this question, we’re diving into the complexities of transitioning to non-monogamy. There are so many opportunities *and* roadblocks that can pop up on the road to polyamory (trust us, we would know!). We discuss how to avoid resentment, the importance of transparency and communication, and how non-monogamy can bring about the potential for some seriously transformative personal and relational growth. Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at⁠⁠ www.JoliQuiz.com Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here

Ever been in a relationship where one of you wanted a lot more sex than the other? Us too! It can be challenging to navigate, especially when you throw in stigma, trauma, sexual shame, and all the other obstacles that can make conversations about sex and desire tricky and painful.

We have good news: There’s a lot you can do to address these issues! In fact, we find that when we do a little digging with our clients, many of those who struggle with desire discrepancy have barely talked about the issue… at all. This week, we’re unpacking why that is and what you can do about it, and we’re sharing some powerful resources to help you along the way.

In this episode, we talk about:

— Why conversations about desire discrepancies can be so challenging

— Destigmatizing the topic of desire mismatches through open conversation

— Why there is no such thing as the “normal” amount or type of sex

— The importance of understanding your own desires first

— Why even small differences in desire can start to feel like a problem

— Why getting really clear and specific about desires and past patterns is the key to improving these conversations

— The importance of consent in relationships with desire mismatches

— How we often project inner conflicts about sex and pleasure onto our partners

— Reimagining relationship norms and structures rather than assuming fixed rules

— The complexity and ongoing nature of unpacking unconscious assumptions around sexuality within relationships

Resources mentioned in this episode:

— Emily Nagoski's books "Come As You Are" and "Come Together"

— Emily Nagoski's TED talks and podcast episodes

Join the global Week of Visibility for Non-monogamy – July 15-21. Visit www.weekofvisibility.com to learn more and get involved!

Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at⁠⁠ ⁠www.JoliQuiz.com⁠

Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here

Read the transcript of this episode here

Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

How do you experience your differences with your partner? Do you feel discomfort, or conflict, or maybe you feel isolated and abandoned? Do you work to mask those differences by trying to meld together, or by acting like someone you're not? Let's talk about how our experience of those differences can help us grow in ourselves and in our relationships

Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com

You can see the transcript on Joli's blog, a word from Joli

Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube

There are a lot of bad ways to make relationship agreements. (Trust us, we’ve been there!) But creating supportive agreements can open up a world of experimentation for you and your partner(s), while also providing safe, solid structures to fall back on.

This isn’t our first episode on relationship agreements, and it won’t be the last (we LOVE this topic), but this one’s a must-listen–we’re breaking down all the basics.

—Learn the difference between relationship agreements and relationship philosophies.

—Understand the 3 main types of relationship agreements and why you need to start with ONE SPECIFIC TYPE!

—Find out how your unconscious may try to take over the agreement-making process and what you can do about that!

Sexual health resources:

Planned Parenthood’s STI Resource Center

Real Life Relationship Conversations: SPREAD Sexual Health Framework Examples

Imago Dialogue is a framework for conversations that was created by Harville Hendrix Ph.D. and Helen LaKelly Hunt Ph.D. Learn more by listening to Episode 129 of Playing With Fire

Maxx Hill’s Relationship Smorgasbord

Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at⁠⁠ ⁠www.JoliQuiz.com⁠

Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here

Read the transcript of this episode here

Relationship “work” doesn’t have to feel like work! With some re-framing and a playful attitude, the work can feel a lot more like play!

What does it mean to ‘do the work’ in your relationship? This phrase gets tossed around all the time, but in this episode we’re digging into what relationship work can actually look like for you.

There are a few key ingredients for doing the work that, when missing, can leave you feeling lost in the process: effort, attitude, and structure.

We discuss how to determine where to direct your efforts and the importance of collaborating to clarify a purpose in your relationship. We also talk about specific tools you can use to give this process a structure that will help you stay connected and on track towards your growth goals.

Get the support you NEED to have the open relationship you WANT in my year-long group program, The Year Of Opening. Go here now >>> www.TheYearOfOpening.com

Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com

Wiggly, firm, soft, rigid - peens are shape shifters. Why does that matter? Well, somebody you know might have one, and they might have feelings about that, what with the cultural pressures brought to bear on them. Guest expert Michelle Renee started Soft Cock Week, we talk with her about why she did that, what it's for, what's in it for you, and lots more about finding pleasure in life.

Go to SoftCockWeek.com for resources, upcoming events, opportunities to participate and contribute.

Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com

Non-monogamy is a big adventure. It's also a huge source of fear and dysregulation for a lot of us.

Individuating also involves quite a bit of discomfort.

When that all gets too much, you can fall back on your routes to safety. If you're not familiar with yours, check out Jake Ernst and the resource link below. But what if you've outgrown your old familiar routes and they don't work as well anymore? No fear, we've got some strategies for managing that.

Download the Routes of Safety resource by Jake Ernst

Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com

Libby Sinback, from Making Polyamory Work joins Joli for a conversation about one of the BEST parts of shifting from monogamy to non-monogamy: community that supports your authentic self.

More connection is why so many of us practice non-monogamy, but it's not always clear how to actually make the community we long for. Listen as we provide both inspiration and practical advice on how to find, create, and enjoy non-monogamous community!

Learn more about Libby at https://libbysinback.com/

Hear more from Libby on Making Polyamory Work Podcast

Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com

Resources and communities mentioned in the episode:

The Year of Opening Group with Joli

Relational Non-monogamy Circles with Libby

Multiamory Patreon Community

Normalizing Non-monogamy Community

Esther Perel Discussion Group

The Daylovers Support Groups

Poly.land Discord Community

Creating the relationship you really want begins with the ENVISIONING process. Plus, it's really easy to find yourself in relationships that don't fit right (but do feel familiar) unless you actively participate in the relationship envisioning process. 

This conversation is like being a fly on the wall of our relationship- Ken's sharing how he wound up in a marriage that was completely the opposite of what his soul truly longed for, and Joli's got some tips for how to get started in your own envisioning process.

Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com

Relationships get stronger and healthier when you talk about them with your partners. For that you're going to need shared language and meaning, Learning the jargon of relationship styles is so helpful! So, here's how we think about relationship labels---open relationship, kitchen table polyamory, relationship anarchy, and lots more.

As mentioned in the episode, for more information on relationship anarchy, read Andie Nordgren’s Relationship Anarchy Manifesto

Watch this episode on YouTube

Are you ready to have an unconventional love? Take this 2 minute quiz and see!

Starting a new relationship, ending a relationship, negotiating within a partnership for the first time, practicing differentiation, having kids - all of these changes can be positive, exciting, and beneficial, but they can also bring up stress.

Making sense of all those conflicting emotions can be challenging. If you’re feeling stressed or overwhelmed by your relationship(s), that is SO OK!! And, this is the episode for you! We talk about a ton of powerful tools you can use to stay grounded while navigating relationship changes and growth.

Embracing your agency in the face of change is a huge part of the individuation work we talk so much about. Listen to learn more!

Playing With Fire has been featured as one of the top 5 ⁠best non-monogamy podcasts⁠!

Get the support you NEED to have the open relationship you WANT in my year-long group program, The Year Of Opening. Go here now >>> www.TheYearOfOpening.com

Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com

Are your relationships messy? That's more than OK - learning more about your particular relationship mess by learning about others can save you a lot of time and pain. So we talked with Kate Loree, LMFT, a sex-positive licensed marriage and family therapist with a specialty in non-monogamous, kink, LGBTQ, and sex worker communities. She's the author of Open Deeply: A Guide to Building Conscious, Compassionate Open Relationships, and together she and Joli share their thoughts about their work and experiences with open relationships.

Buy Kate's book, Open Deeply: A Guide to Building Conscious, Compassionate Open Relationships

Listen to the Open Deeply Podcast with Kate and Sunny Megatron.

Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com

You can see the transcript on Joli's blog, a word from Joli

Abbey and Liam approach building conscious relationships in a way that’s refreshing, pragmatic, playful, and authentic, all at once. Their work focuses on creating space for open, real conversations about non-monogamy, and they’re really good at it!!

In this episode, Abbey and Liam share a lot about their journeys, including their gradual, relaxed approach to coming out as non-monogamous, how they prioritize parenting, and how they navigate challenges like jealousy, boundaries, commitment, and communication.

In this episode, we talk about:

— How Abby and Liam gradually came out as non-monogamous to friends and family

— Their experiences balancing non-monogamy and parenting a young child

— The importance of age-appropriate conversations about relationships with kids

— How non-monogamy has enhanced their connection as a couple

— Navigating jealousy, including Liam's "motorbike rule"

— The role of humor and levity in addressing relationship challenges

— How non-monogamy connects to mortality and living life fully

— The value of open communication in relationships

— Unpacking safety concerns vs. attachment fears in setting boundaries

Resources mentioned in this episode:

— The Evolving Love Project podcast

— The Evolving Love Project Substack

— Abbey's upcoming women's retreat in May 2024

JOIN The Year of Opening community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠

Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com

Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here

Read the transcript of this episode here

Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

So, you want to create relationship agreements with your partner. Great! You probably want those agreements to be fair, balanced, and symmetrical. Great… right?

Here’s the thing: everyone is different. We all have our own needs, wants, limits, trauma histories… the list goes on! So is trying to make symmetrical relationship agreements a worthwhile task? (Spoiler alert: not really!)

In this episode, we discuss how you can use the concept of asymmetry on purpose, and we break down why it can be a powerful way to create agreements that are practical, honest, and that account for the unpredicted.

Listen on to learn about:

—What ‘fairness’ actually means in the context of relationship agreements

—Why agreements should be explicit and mutual

—The power of actually writing down your agreements

—The importance of aligning your agreements with your values

—How the process of creating these agreements can be a transformative way to deepen your understanding of yourself and your partner

Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at⁠⁠ ⁠www.JoliQuiz.com⁠

Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here

Read the transcript of this episode here

Music: Dance of Felt by Blue Dot Sessions

What if you could get to know your power intimately, and so get to know your whole self? What if you could use your story to have the life, pleasure, and relationships you want? Check out our chat with the incomparable Mollena Williams-Haas, Kink Doula, writer, performer, and podcast host. Listen to her share some of her story of power exchange and authenticity with you.

Click here for the Kink Doula - Sign up for Mollena's mailing list - there's a free class available when you sign up.

Click here to listen to Mollena⁠'s podcast All That and Mo (you'll be glad you did)

Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com

Scenario: your anchor partner is on a date with someone else. You know they have a super hot connection, and sex is definitely on the table. You’re excited for them… but once they leave, and the time starts ticking by, all sorts of feelings are coming up. Your anxiety is building… and you don’t know how to deal with it.

We get asked about this scenario a lot, because it can be SO challenging. Good news—we’ve been there, we’ve learned a lot about our own do’s and don’ts, and we know how to help you find strategies that will work for you. And that’s exactly what we’re doing in this mini-episode!

We’re breaking down:

— How to effectively use trial and error and pattern detection in these situations

—Why jealousy is often just beneath the surface of this anxiety

— How to use resourcing and nervous system regulation while your partner is on a date

— Why parting and reentering are important opportunities for connecting with your anchor/nesting partner(s)

— Our experiences in these situations and the strategies that do and don’t work for us

— How to use The Jealousy Roadmap to work through your anxiety

— The importance of reconnecting before debriefing

— How you can actually gain wisdom from your jealousy and build intimacy with yourself and your partners

Resources mentioned in this episode:

— Minimum Viable Agreements, discussed in Episode 149 Relationship Agreements 101

— The Jealousy Roadmap

JOIN The Year of Opening community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠

Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com

Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here

Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

Episode 12 is about failure and what happens when we judge our relationship success only by how long it lasts. Endings and transitions can be extremely challenging, especially when we imagine that an ending feels like it defines us. In this episode, Joli and Ken talk about three things they do to get through the tough endings and big transitions with a little more grace and a ton more insight. 

Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube

In the second part of a mini-series about shame, Joli shares some vulnerability as we go into her feelings about the rocky early years of our relationship, and the final years of our respective first marriages. That challenging time left its marks, and Joli talks about her experiences with couple’s privilege, secrecy (no surprise, since we’re still talking about shame), and how those experiences impact her now.

It’s uncommon to see inside another relationship, so listen in for a tiny glimpse into Joli and Ken’s as it is right now. Relationships change, and the people in them grow, and Joli talks about how she handles the shame and other feelings that come out of that time, in hopes that others might find some support and insight.

Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube

If you’d like to find out more about Joli’s work head to jolihamilton.com

Sure, it sounds fun, but is polyamory actually practical? And what if you have kids-- it's already tough to find time-- how can this work? What about STIs? Unplanned pregnancy? Or what if we find out we aren't a good fit anymore? When these big questions loom its helpful to hear from people who've been there, done, got the t-shirt.

If you're new to polyamory this interview is especially well-suited for you! 

Laura Boyle, the author of Ready for Polyamory joins us to talk about how this all really works. 

Watch this episode on YouTube

They can visit www.readyforpolyamory.com/about for a complete listing of all Laura's content both free and paid, or for bite-sized polyamory content follow her on Instagram and TikTok @readyforpolyamory.

What do you do when you have the hots for someone unavailable? In this episode we talk about ways to approach the feelings that come up with unrequited attraction.

Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube

Get my free top 5 relationship guides at ListenToJoli.com for easy to implement conversations that will help you create the love you really want.

Get the book Project Relationship

Learn about Joli and how to work with her

If you want to stay up to date on all of Joli's work be sure to join the Project Relationship mailing list

What if we want to show affection without being sexual? In this episode we talk about some of our experiences with difficulties that can come up around expressing and engaging in intimacy outside sexual relationships.

Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube

Get my free top 5 relationship guides at ListenToJoli.com for easy to implement conversations that will help you create the love you really want.

Get the book Project Relationship

Learn about Joli and how to work with her

If you want to stay up to date on all of Joli's work be sure to join the Project Relationship mailing list

Individuation, enmeshment, symbiosis, co-dependence, individualism, interdependence… how on Earth can we navigate through all these paradigms and bring balance to our relationships??

Luckily, in this episode, we’re joined by Jessica Fern and David Cooley, two all-star authors and practitioners in the non-monogamy space. We get into the nuances of individuation, and how to work towards differentiation in a way that is intentional instead of reactive.

We talk about the mono-mind (that sneaky thing is always causing trouble!!) and how it can be a barrier to individuation and healthy conflict resolution in non-monogamous relationships.

Jessica and David’s new book Polywise is a must-read. Learn more about it here!

Jessica Fern is a Psychotherapist, Certified Clinical Trauma Professional, and author of the book Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma, and NonMonomgamy and The Polysecure Workbook. In her international private practice, Jessica works with individuals, couples, and people in multiple-partner relationships who no longer want to be limited by their reactive patterns, cultural conditioning, insecure attachment styles, and past traumas, helping them to embody new possibilities in life and love.

Learn more at www.JessicaFern.com

David Cooley is a professional Restorative Justice facilitator, diversity and privilege awareness trainer, and bilingual cultural broker. He is the creator of the Restorative Relationship Conversations model, a process that transforms interpersonal conflict into deeper connection, intimacy and repair. In his private practice, David specializes in working with non-monogamous and LGBTQ partnerships, incorporating a variety of modalities including trauma-informed care, attachment theory, somatic practices, narrative theory, and mindfulness-based techniques.

To learn more about doing restorative partner work with David, visit his website here: ⁠www.restorativerelationship.com

Get the support you NEED to have the open relationship you WANT in my year-long group program, The Year Of Opening. Go here now >>> www.TheYearOfOpening.com

Playing With Fire has been featured as one of the top 5 ⁠⁠best non-monogamy podcasts⁠⁠!

Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at⁠⁠ www.JoliQuiz.com⁠

How satisfied are we in our relationships? How satisfied can we be? How do we decide? When we make explicit agreements with our partners, we can start to see clearly how well our relationships serve us. The more we know about our values and our partners' values, the easier it is to make effective explicit agreements, which is what this episode is about. We share experiences with our relationship agreements, and talk about some of the tools we use to help us craft them.

Here is the exercise and list of values Joli mentioned.

Also here is a quick link to available values lists on Google.

Strugging with what your relationship is for? Check out "Getting What You Need", Chapter 7 of the book Project Relationship, which has exercises to help you. It's part of my free top 5 relationship guides at ListenToJoli.com. It also includes easy to implement conversations that will help you create the love you really want.

Get the book Project Relationship

Learn about Joli and how to work with her

If you want to stay up to date on all of Joli's work be sure to join the Project Relationship mailing list

Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube

If you have a hard time keeping relationship agreements, you probably also have a hard time keeping the agreements you make with yourself. If that’s you, or if you’ve never even tried to make self-agreements, you have to listen to this episode.

This process shouldn’t feel like a punishment—I want you to make agreements with yourself that you actually want to uphold. And that’s not always a straightforward process. If you’re struggling, you’re so not alone. This isn’t entry-level work—it requires real skill-building, and we’re breaking down that learning process so you can start fostering integrity and consent with yourself.

In this episode, we talk about:

— Why some people struggle to stick to the agreements they've made

— How past relationship experiences and attachment styles influence our approaches to agreements

— The role of unconscious factors in undermining our commitments

— Why self-agreement keeping is the first step to keeping agreements with other people

— The benefits that come with not naturally being good at upholding agreements

— Balancing flexibility with reliability in relationships

— How to create effective response plans for when agreements aren't met

— The importance of written agreements and reminders

— Why punitive consequences often backfire, and how to use educative repercussions instead

— Practical tools for improving agreement-making and follow-through

Resources mentioned in this episode:

— Gretchen Rubin’s 4 Tendencies Quiz

— PWF Episode 149 Relationship Agreements 101

— PWF Episode 150 Asymmetric Agreements

JOIN The Year of Opening community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠

Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way

Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com

Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here

Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

Do you want to grow into the most authentic version of your Self that you can be? The good news is that you get to choose that, and all you need is within reach right now. Typically, individuation is seen as a solo activity, a deep inner journey that often comes with an image of the hermit. But we've found that relational individuation is another VERY fruitful option. This week we are talking about what steps you can take to engage fully in your journey whether your life partner/s is/are interested in psychological development or not.

Watch this episode on YouTube

Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com

Joli studied consensual non-monogamies as a research psychologist but it is also an important part of our personal relationship design. In this episode, we are talking about what it takes to go from assuming you *know the rules* to creating relationship agreements that are explicit and able to grow with you as your relationship changes. 

Consensual non-monogamy isn't the right fit for everyone, monogamy is beautiful and a great choice for lots of people. But, polyamory has been making a lot of headlines and popping up in storylines more and more. If you are curious about what it looks like from the inside, have a listen. We've found that no matter what relationship style you choose, we can all learn from each other.

Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube

To buy Project Relationship the book, head here

Learn more about working with Joli or to listen to her TedX talk

Follow Joli on Instagram

Relationships require so many different skills. Do you ever struggle to process an argument, or to identify what you really want and need?

Dedeker, Emily, and Jase, the hosts of the Multiamory podcast and authors of the book Multiamory: Essential Tools for Modern Relationships, talk with us about relationship tools that work for ALL relationship structures.

This is a must-listen whether you are non-monogamous, monogamous, or just want to upgrade your communication skills for every area of your life!

Order their book at multiamory.com/book. (order your copy now!)

Subscribe to the multamory podcast in your favorite podcast player app.

Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com

Joli calls relationships an individuation accelerator- is your love built for it? Navigating individual differences between partners is not easy (and individuation requires difference!) In this episode, we share some of the ways we manage being vastly different people with divergent interests and goals. We share two key moves you can make to create an individuation relationship of your own. You get to write the script for your relationship yourselves, you don't have to use anybody else's. 

Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube

In episode 1 we are sharing stories about how we've worked on wanting a more-than-okay relationship. Joli and Ken talk about how they combined holiday traditions and how hard it has been to make space for each other's wants.  This episode turned into a live-troubleshooting session where we took stock of-and then action on- some things that haven't been working. 

Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube

Find more about Project Relationship at www.JoliHamilton.com

Follow Joli on Instagram

Having a plan for when your partner goes on a date makes it way more likely that you will both have a positive relationship experience, no matter how the date itself goes.

What goes into our plans? We've got three categories and lots of examples of things that help us and have proven to help Joli's clients handle the big emotions of date nights, so dig in!

Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com

Looking for the Neuro-Somatic Intelligence tools we talk about all the time? We've made a FREE video training just for our listeners- find it here

Differentiation is one of the pillars of conscious relationships—but it doesn’t just happen, we have to actively practice differentiation over time. When we don’t, there will be symptoms:

If you’ve been feeling some resentment building up inside of you, if you’ve been feeling smothered, if you think you might be over- or under-functioning in your relationship(s), or if you’ve been having the same fights over and over with your partner(s), it might be time for you to get serious about differentiation.

Differentiation involves being able to identify your own feelings, thoughts, and needs as separate from those of your partner(s). This is one of our favorite subjects. But it can also be a scary one!

In this episode, we’re giving you a fabulous set of tools and knowledge to start you on your path towards healthy differentiation. We’re talking about what differentiation is, why it’s so important, the difference between individuation and differentiation, signs that you might be ready to start your differentiation journey, some challenges you may face throughout your differentiation practice, and we’ll give you some practical advice for and real-life examples of cultivating differentiation.

How to play The 3-Minute Game

Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at⁠⁠ ⁠www.JoliQuiz.com⁠

Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here

Jealousy shows up differently for each of us, but it is a typical human experience. In this episode we talk about defining it, dancing with it, and five things we can do to use jealousy to strengthen and deepen our relationships. Joli shares exactly how she found herself studying jealousy every day for the past twelve years and the five-step process she uses to transform jealousy.

Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube

Get the book Project Relationship

Learn about Joli and how to work with her

If you want to stay up to date on Joli's jealousy work be sure to join the Project Relationship mailing list

Sometimes we get caught up in the changes and challenges everyday life brings. In this episode, we talk about some ways we acknowledge and increase meaning in our lives, and in our relationship. Sometimes we do it on purpose, sometimes we look around and say "oh, we do this thing, and it matters to us and helps us connect". Joli referred to this study about relationship rituals, and for more ideas about creating rituals you can check out chapter 12 of Joli's first book, Project Relationship.

Follow Joli on Instagram

Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube

Have you noticed any patterns in your relationship that play out over and over again? Are there things you do, ways you behave, that leave you in the same ouchy situation every time, but you still keep doing them? Well, that happens to us, and in this episode we talk about how those patterns show up and play out for us, and we share some strategies for interrupting those patterns.

Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube

Get my free top 5 relationship guides at ListenToJoli.com for easy to implement conversations that will help you create the love you really want.

Get the book Project Relationship

Learn about Joli and how to work with her

If you want to stay up to date on all of Joli's work be sure to join the Project Relationship mailing list

Non-monogamy comes in as many forms as there are people imagining outside the norm. Imagination is the tool we use to dream the dream forward to what's next. When you follow your imagination that way you gain a better understanding of yourself.

Relationships that focus on growth don't have to be non-monogamous, but non-monogamy creates tons of opportunities to make your unconscious *stuff* conscious. It will also likely challenge you to face your relational wounds and fears. This might sound like it's not a ton of fun but in practice, it isn't just the tough stuff that surfaces- it also reveals deep layers of joy and pleasure. Knowing that you are in a psychological relationship makes the waves of *stuff* meaningful so you can get into the juicy fun too!

Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com

Watch this episode on YouTube

Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠⁠Blue Dot Sessions

Struggling with intimacy but you've already tried *everything*? Not sure what could possibly help? Surrogate partner therapy is amazing and we want you to know more about it! Brian Gibney, a Surrogate Partner Therapist talks with us about how he and other SPTs help people build trust and communication that allows them to experience physical touch with safety and connection.

For more information about Surrogate Partner Therapy and Brian Gibney go to BrianGibney.org,

Resources mentioned in the episode:

https://www.surrogatepartnercollective.org/

https://www.embracespt.org/

Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com

Tired of *trying* to find the person you want? There's a faster path and it is completely within your reach. Everyone has the capacity to deepen their intimacy with Self and when you do, you'll find that others respond. Stop trying to be someone for someone else and BE YOU. 

Joli talks with the incomparable Allana Pratt about the pains and perils of trying to date without doing your personal work. 

BONUS: this episode opens up with a conversation between Joli & Ken. We are getting super vulnerable about what's going on for us right now and it's not all pretty. If you've ever wondered what goes on behind the scenes, you don't want to miss this episode!

Today's guest:

Intimacy Expert, Allana Pratt is a global media personality and go-to authority for those who have suffered heartbreak and are ready to live unapologetically and attract an open-hearted ideal relationship. She has been chosen as an Icon of Influence, is a columnist on the GoodMenProject, and has been featured on Huffington Post, People Magazine, Forbes, CBS, ABC & FOX, and more.

This Ivy League grad is the Author of 6 books, has interviewed Whoopi Goldberg and Alanis Morissette, and Hosts the edgy Podcast “Intimate Conversations” where listeners learn how to find the relationship they deserve. A certified coach with close to 5 million viewers on YouTube, Allana was asked by Leeza Gibbons to coach her during Dancing with the Stars.

While supporting a number of nonprofits, Allana has created a new category with an inclusive Partnering App & Intimacy Training app called HeartMates where members Become the One to Find the One… which Keeps the One! She also offers HeartMates for Couples, private and group coaching plus retreats so that her clients have a thriving intimate relationship with themselves first, which naturally attracts and enhances their ideal partnerships.

Take the free B-Spot Quiz and discover what your hidden blindspot is!

www.allanapratt.com/quiz

Watch this episode on YouTube

Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com

You can see the transcript on Joli's blog, a word from Joli

Opening up isn’t just about f*cking around and finding out.

Done thoughtfully, it’s an experience of opening up yourself. It winds up being a journey of learning what you truly need and want and how to collaborate to create relationships that truly fit.

The Year of Opening is POWERFUL. I’ve seen people transform themselves and their lives in this program, over and over. In this special PWF episode, we sit down with five past participants to hear about what brought them to The Year of Opening, the challenges they faced in their opening journeys, and the transformations they underwent along the way.

We created The Year of Opening to give people access to researched-backed tools, professional support, and a community of people who just get it, all in one place. Hear all about it from these amazing, brave YOO graduates, who get vulnerable in this episode to give you a peek into what it’s like to join this community.

If you’re looking for support on your opening journey, but you have some questions about the best way to get it, this episode is for you!

Our graduates share:

— What inspired them to find support

— What it was like being in a group and talking about vulnerable stuff

— The tools and concepts that stuck with them

— How the work is continuing to benefit their lives

— The unexpected personal growth that came from working on their relationships

— The importance of community support while exploring non-monogamy

JOIN The Year of Opening community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.theyearofopening.com⁠⁠

Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at⁠⁠ ⁠www.JoliQuiz.com⁠

Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here

Read the transcript of this episode here

Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

Masturbation has gotten all kinds of press over the years - some good, some bad, some clinical. We are fans of masturbation. Let's talk about what it's good for, how you can explore and learn about yourself, and some ways you can use it to enhance your connection to your partners. Bonus, Joli's going in deep with the depth psychology of masturbation on this one too!

Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube

A lot of personal growth work is about recognizing and focusing on what we can change in our lives. Take responsibility and make the changes needed. But sometimes you’re stuck. Stuck and bewildered by how this shit keeps happening. There are those same old cyclical situations… a heated argument with a romantic partner, a recurring issue at work, a really challenging family dynamic… where we feel like we have no control. All those tools and practices go out the window and it feels like the situation is just happening at us.

These challenges are the perfect place to start practicing shadow work—the process of becoming aware of what you’ve suppressed, hated, and denied about yourself. Sound a little scary? Don’t worry, shadow work does not mean embracing and enacting all the mean parts of yourself. In other words, doing this work doesn’t mean becoming an asshole.

There are many ways to do shadow work, but today we’re focusing on a method created by Carolyn Lovewell called Existential Kink. Existential Kink involves loving, accepting, and owning the ‘guilty pleasure’ we get from the shadowy aspects of our subconscious, and we’re walking you through the whole process.

In this episode, we’re breaking down:

— What the shadow is

— What it means to do shadow work

— How Jungian and depth psychology define and approach the shadow

— Examples of how and why people repress and deny aspects of themselves

— Why unexamined shadow aspects of ourselves often lead to projections

— How embracing and recollecting repressed aspects of ourselves can be powerfully transformative for your personal growth and relationships

— Why shadow work does not mean embracing and enacting evil/mean aspects of ourselves (AKA becoming an asshole)

— The theory behind and process of Existential Kink

— The importance of community and support while doing depth psychological work

Resources mentioned in this episode:

— My Individuation Alchemy program

— Carolyn Lovewell’s book, work, and programs

— Lindsay Braman’s Emotion Sensation Feelings Wheel

JOIN The Year of Opening community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠

Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com

Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here

Read the transcript of this episode here

Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

Do you ever feel hesitant to share your inner world with your lovers, partners, friends? In this episode we share our experiences and struggles with transparency, and why we lean into it even when it seems hard. (Spoiler alert - it can promote intimacy, passion, and connection.)

Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube

Talking with your kids about your relationships as a parent can be really beneficial for all of you, but it does take some care and attention. In this episode we talk about our experiences talking with our kids over the years about our consensual non-monogamy, sharing the problems and the benefits of those conversations.

Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube

Get my free top 5 relationship guides at ListenToJoli.com for easy to implement conversations that will help you create the love you really want.

Get the book Project Relationship

Learn about Joli and how to work with her

If you want to stay up to date on all of Joli's work be sure to join the Project Relationship mailing list

Ready to take your relationships to new levels of growth and satisfaction? In a community of like-minded, growth oriented people with similar goals? Led by a highly trained expert and her experienced partner? Listen to Episode 69 where we share some of our thoughts and experiences about opening relationships, and offer an exciting new opportunity to join a group coaching program designed to help you open your relationship the smart way.

Start by taking the quiz to find out how ready you are to open your relationship happily

If you're ready to start opening your relationship the smart way, go directly to the application!

Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube

You can be fully immersed in polyamory, living and breathing the non-monogamous lifestyle, and still be stuck in a monogamous mindset. If you feel split, conflicted, like you’re living in bifurcated parallel universes between different partners, you’re not alone.

The paradigm of monogamy runs deep in our society, so it’s no surprise that many people have a hard time breaking out of monogamous internal frameworks, even when so much of their lives reflects their polyamorous identity.

That’s why this conversation is so important—we're talking about shaking away the stigma and learning how to find and process your internalized polyphobia.

Get the support you NEED to have the open relationship you WANT in my year-long group program, The Year Of Opening. Go here now >>> www.TheYearOfOpening.com

Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com

Opening up your relationship does not automatically lead to you getting more of your needs met. Monogamy or not, identifying and communicating your needs, wants, and likes can be really challenging!! It’s also crucial to building fulfilling relationships, which is exactly why we created this episode.

Like most aspects of relating, individuating, differentiating, and all the wonderful things we like to talk about on Playing With Fire, identifying and communicating your needs is a skill that you can practice and build.

Listen on to learn about:

— The difference between needs, wants, and likes in relationships

— Why identifying and communicating your needs can be so challenging

— The importance of developing a rich vocabulary to describe your experiences and desires

— How shame and trauma can impact our ability to express ourselves in relationships

— The role of negotiation and consent in getting needs met

— Who is responsible for meeting whose needs

— Why writing things down can be a powerful tool for self-reflection and communication

— The challenges of balancing individual needs with relationship dynamics, especially in non-monogamous contexts

— How to identify your own manipulative and people-pleasing tendencies, and why those strategies can be harmful for everyone in the long run

Resources mentioned in this episode:

— David Cooley's writing and coaching

— Dan Shipper's article on developing sensory vocabulary

— The "Yes, No, Maybe" list for exploring sexual preferences (kinkier version here)

Join the global Week of Visibility for Non-monogamy – July 15-21. Visit www.weekofvisibility.com to learn more and get involved!

Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at⁠⁠ ⁠www.JoliQuiz.com⁠

Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here

Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

Are you kinky? Nobody but you can answer that question, and nobody but you can decide what it means. There's no board of kink that issues certificates, no licensing board that decides what you can and can't do based on your "kink" status. 

In this episode we talk about ways you can explore this question for yourself. And some of the things to think about along the way - practical, psychological, and relational.

Get my free top 5 relationship guides at ListenToJoli.com for easy to implement conversations that will help you create the love you really want.

Get the book Project Relationship

Learn about Joli and how to work with her

If you want to stay up to date on all of Joli's work be sure to join the Project Relationship mailing list

Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube

Seeking open relationship bliss? 

Great. Us too. And all my clients. You're not alone.

Every week I hear from at least a few people who want to know if they should try to open right from the start or whether they need to solidify their couplehood first. Everyone seems to have a strong opinion, and I hear a ton of FEAR that if you get this *wrong*, you're relationship is going to be so.much.harder. This episode hits a lot of non-monogamy hot-buttons, so get ready to consider things from multiple angles!

Are you ready to have an unconventional love? Take this 2 minute quiz and see!

“Jealousy is just insecurity, so if you become more secure in yourself, you won't feel jealous anymore.” Ever heard that one before? We have, and we don’t agree. One of the reasons I love thinking about, talking about, and doing academic research on jealousy is that jealousy contains multitudes. Insecurity and attachment issues are just one of its many facets.

People tend to over-simplify jealousy because it can feel like a loaded word. Jealousy can get all mixed up with fear, shame, guilt, attachment challenges, and a bunch of other tricky, tender stuff. We made this episode to help you untangle those feelings and frameworks without pathologizing or boxing in your emotions and experiences.

On this episode, we’re talking about:

— The complex and multiple nature of jealousy

— How attachment and jealousy are related

— Why jealousy is not a bad word, and why it’s actually one of our favorite things to talk about

— Strategies for dealing with jealousy

— Using nervous system regulation tools to help you move through experiences of jealousy

— The importance of giving yourself permission to try new strategies, even if they might not work perfectly

— How to disrupt habitual patterns and reactions to jealousy to achieve different outcomes in your life and your relationships

— The power of patience and self-compassion when you are struggling with jealousy

— How to create a jealousy rescue plan

Resources mentioned in this episode:

— The Jealousy Roadmap & The Jealousy Resource Center

JOIN The Year of Opening community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠

Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com

Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here

Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

Money, parenting, sharing space, schedules, rental agreements… these may not be the sexiest and most exciting aspects of non-monogamy, but they are important. In fact, they’re common stumbling blocks, and can cause big relationship issues when left unaddressed for long periods of time.

Here’s the problem: we rarely get to hear about how other polyamorous people are handling the practical details of their lives. That’s exactly what our guest today, author and coach Laura Boyle, is out to solve. Her new book, Monogamy? In this Economy? Finances, Childrearing, and Other Practical Concerns of Polyamory, is based on a survey of nearly 500 polyamorous households and is chock full of the real-life experiences of families with more than two adults.

In this episode, we’re talking about:

— The most common size of polyamorous households (hint: it's not what you might expect!)

— Creative solutions for managing space constraints in shared living situations

— The importance of open communication about seemingly minor issues before they become major problems

— How to navigate the complexities of blending families and introducing new partners to children

— Practical considerations around finances, particularly regarding vacations and large gifts for non-nesting partners

— The parallels between polyamorous family dynamics and other "non-traditional" family structures like blended families

— Why it's crucial to discuss reproductive health and pregnancy scenarios early in relationships

— Our own experiences with solving these issues

— How relationship anarchy principles can benefit both monogamous and non-monogamous relationships

— Addressing jealousy in multi-adult households without overemphasizing or ignoring it

Resources mentioned in this episode:

— Laura Boyle's new book: Monogamy in This Economy: Finances, Child Rearing, and Other Practical Concerns of Polyamory

— Pre-order Laura’s book

— Laura's website: ReadyForPolyamory.com

— Follow Laura on Instagram and TikTok: @ReadyforPolyamory

JOIN The Year of Opening community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠

Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com

Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here

Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

When you hear the phrase "taking a break," do you think of fear, uncertainty, or sadness? We’ve been there, and we made this episode to help you forge a new path.

More often than not, unintentional breaks—whether from a relationship or a conversation—can simply delay the same outcomes and patterns. But breaks don't have to be evidence of a fundamental breakdown or incompatibility within a relationship. In fact, they can be a chance to hit refresh, realign, and come back stronger than ever.

In this episode, we dig through a treasure trove of questions and strategies that can guide you and your partner toward clarity and transformation during your break. We discuss how to create safety during a break while maintaining space, distance, and autonomy.

Listen in to find out how to take your breaks from scary disruptions to game-changing opportunities for reconnection.

Neuro-Somatic Intelligence Drills: Episode 84 of Playing With Fire

Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at⁠⁠ ⁠www.JoliQuiz.com⁠

Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here

Read the transcript of this episode here

Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

This episode is about betrayal. I know, super fun subject, but don’t click away!!

Betrayal can touch on some of our deepest insecurities. But in my experience, the fear of betrayal can be more painful and damaging than betrayal itself. That’s one of the reasons why it’s important to face betrayal head-on, and to be honest with yourself about how your history with betrayal may be impacting your current relationships with your partner(s) and yourself.

This can be a confusing subject, especially for those of us who are still unpacking that default ‘mono-mindset’ (aren’t we all?). When we transition from monogamy to non-monogamy our paradigms of safety, trust, and betrayal totally change. This can leave people feeling really lost.

But that’s what this episode is for ;)

In this episode, we walk you through:

— The idea of exclusivity in romantic, emotional, and sexual attention as a safeguard against betrayal

— Cultural expectations and norms around monogamy and how they influence our perceptions of betrayal

— Why making the shift from monogamy to non-monogamy is so challenging when it comes to betrayal

— How you can reconceptualize betrayal in the context of non-monogamy

— How personal experiences of betrayal shape people's views and approaches to relationships (often without them realizing it)

— The impact of betrayal witnessed in childhood, such as watching parents betray each other

— How the fear of betrayal can make people close themselves off, and why those emotional walls can hinder the development of deep and meaningful connections

— The profound effects of self-betrayal and the importance of self-trust

— The importance of clear communication and well-defined boundaries

— How to build repair plans into your relationship agreements, and why they’re so important

— Strategies for managing emotions and relationships after trust has been violated

Resources mentioned in this episode:

— Listen to examples of the Imago Dialogue conversation technique here

Join the global Week of Visibility for Non-monogamy – July 15-21. Visit www.weekofvisibility.com to learn more and get involved!

Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at⁠⁠ ⁠www.JoliQuiz.com⁠

Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here

Read the transcript of this episode ⁠here

Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

What makes for well-done casual play? In this episode we're talking about practical considerations for hosting or attending a sex party. How do we set up a safe place for people to share erotic play? How do we make sure consent is part of everything all the time? What should we do to normalize sharing STI information? What about exit strategies, safe words, logistics, ground rules? If everyone can safely pursue pleasure and we all take care of each other, we have the best chance of connecting to people and making happy, sexy memories.

Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube

Get the book Project Relationship

Learn about Joli and how to work with her

If you want to stay up to date on Joli's jealousy work be sure to join the Project Relationship mailing list

How do you feel when you get an apology? How about when you offer one? When we hurt each other, how we handle it can strengthen or weaken our relationship, with each other and with ourselves.

Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube

Get my free top 5 relationship guides at ListenToJoli.com for easy to implement conversations that will help you create the love you really want.

Get the book Project Relationship

Learn about Joli and how to work with her

If you want to stay up to date on all of Joli's work be sure to join the Project Relationship mailing list

‘Agreements’ and ’consequences’ can feel like big scary words, but they are not the same things and ‘rules’ and ‘punishments.’ In fact, when you put these frameworks into practice, they can actually make you feel so much more security and relief.

We discuss why it’s important, especially in non-monogamous relationships, to have clear agreements, and to have clear next steps for what happens when those agreements are broken.

We walk through some example scenarios and discuss the benefits of proactive problem solving as opposed to leaving these important decisions to be made in the moment.

We also talk about needs, wants, boundaries, and ultimatums, and how having nuanced, regulated, intentional conversations about these subjects can create parameters for creative connection while maintaining ease and safety.

Get the support you NEED to have the open relationship you WANT in my year-long group program, The Year Of Opening. Go here now >>> www.TheYearOfOpening.com

Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com

How did we get where we are? What stories do we tell each other (and ourselves) about the decisions that got us here? In this episode we dig into how the way we remember and tell our stories affects the way we view our relationships, and our partners.

Here's the graphic on cognitive bias I mentioned.

Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube

Get my free top 5 relationship guides at ListenToJoli.com for easy to implement conversations that will help you create the love you really want.

Get the book Project Relationship

Learn about Joli and how to work with her

If you want to stay up to date on all of Joli's work be sure to join the Project Relationship mailing list

Have you ever had life throw something spectacular at you that inspired (or required) you to grow and change? That can happen, surprising us out of the blue. It can also be something we plan into our lives. In this episode we talk about how we can do that, choosing to use our relationship as the workshop for becoming more ourselves.

Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube

Get my free top 5 relationship guides at ListenToJoli.com for easy to implement conversations that will help you create the love you really want.

Get the book Project Relationship

Learn about Joli and how to work with her

If you want to stay up to date on all of Joli's work be sure to join the Project Relationship mailing list

If you’re at the beginning of your non-monogamy journey, or if you’re feeling a little stuck and you don’t know where to turn for community, this episode is for you. We’re joined by Emma and Fin from the Normalizing Non-Monogamy Podcast to discuss all things community.

We talk about why community is so important for people who are exploring non-monogamy, the challenges that come with the process of finding and building community, communication and connection in long-term relationships, coming out, balancing authenticity and safety while navigating different social contexts, conflict, privacy, and how all of these things might impact your own personal growth and self-care journeys.

Normalizing Non-Monogamy isn’t just a podcast—it’s also a thriving virtual community of people from all around the world. Click here to check it out!

JOIN The Year of Opening community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠⁠

Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at ⁠www.JoliQuiz.com⁠

Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! ⁠Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here⁠

Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠⁠Blue Dot Sessions

"I want to feel less jealousy and more compersion- HELP!" There's no one in the world who can speak to this topic like Dr. Marie Thouin, so we were thrilled to have this conversation with her. Compersion is the feeling of joy for another's joy, and it's often seen as the opposite of jealousy.

Every week I hear people wrestling with jealousy and trying to move toward compersion, but what is compersion beyond that short definition? What conditions help us feel compersion and what hinders compersion?

Marie is bringing us answers directly from her research. If you love Joli's jealousy work- wait till you hear where the collaboration of jealousy researcher + compersion researcher takes us!

Watch this episode on YouTube

Want to know more about Dr. Thouins work? Go to her website www.WhatIsCompersion.com to read more about her research & join the mailing list, and also book a free 30-min exploratory session for dating & relationship coaching at www.LoveInSight-Dating.com.
...also follow Marie on Instagram, @love_insight_dating

Have a question you'd like us to answer on a follow-up episode? email ken@jolihamilton.com and we'll add your question to the queue!

When holiday stress feels overwhelming I've had the impulse to turn away from my partner and just hunker down in my overloaded psyche. Learning how to courageously lean into the feeling of want is a move that turns holiday stress into an opportunity to connect in our most tender spots. Identifying our wants is at the root of knowing our standpoint, our deeper self, which is a pre-requisite for sharing ourselves with our partner. 

Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube

Heartbreak and sadness show up in all of our lives. How we show up for each other during those times can have a big impact on our relationships. In this episode we talk about some of the ways we support each other through those times, and how both our similarities and differences help us do that.

Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube

Feeling more like a doorstop than a hinge? We’ve been there. If you are the pivot point between multiple partners in a polyamorous relationship, you already know that it can be a challenging role to play.

In this episode, we're talking about what it means to be a hinge, and what skills you can build to help you fill this role. Highlights include: time management, boundary setting, responsibility, distress tolerance, and so much more.

Listen on to find out how you can strengthen your relationships with yourself, your partners, and your metamours!

Playing With Fire has been featured as one of the top 5 ⁠best non-monogamy podcasts⁠!

Get the support you NEED to have the open relationship you WANT in my year-long group program, The Year Of Opening. Go here now >>> www.TheYearOfOpening.com

Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com

This week we are sharing our most popular episode ever- this one is a not-to-miss!

Relationship agreements might sound dry but the process of co-creating relationship bliss is NOT dry in the least.  This episode is part explanation, part demonstration of how we review and negotiate the living document that is our relationship agreement. We found a hole in one of ours while recording that we need to address--No relationship escapes being a work in progress, including ours.

Are you ready to open up happily? Take this 2 minute quiz and see!

Relationships are where we seek security, so making changes can feel particularly scary or overwhelming.  Don't let this fear stop you from creating the custom-built relationship you really want!   This episode is all about how you can shift your experience of opening up from fearful to hopeful starting today.

How ready are you--right now-- to open your marriage? Take this 2 minute quiz and see!

Does the thought of your partner being with someone else make you...hot as hell? 

You aren't alone. 

Though jealousy is often thought of as the LAST thing anyone would want in their life, that's not the only way it goes. In Joli's phenomenological research, 30% of participants reported sexual, juicy responses when they felt jealous.

Turning the standard jealousy narrative on its head is a delicious opportunity- and in this very personal episode, we're talking about how working with jealousy differently over the past two decades has led to some transformative and HOT times.

It really is possible to get off on the complex feeling of jealousy- come hear how we've been working with it to do just that.

Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com

Have you ever done something and looked back and said "That's not like me!" How does that happen? What do we do then? How can we use this information to manage ourselves and our relationships better? In this episode we talk about the Jungian concept of complexes, and how they can come up and run the show for a while.

For reference, here are couple of powerful quotes from Jung on his model of psychological complexes:

"Complexes interfere with the intentions of the will and disturb the conscious performance; they produce disturbances of memory and blockages in the flow of associations; they appear and disappear according to their own laws; they can temporarily obsess consciousness, or influence speech and action in an unconscious way. In a word, complexes behave like independent beings. from Jung, C. G., Psychological Factors in Human Behaviour, Collected Works vol 8, par. 253.

"Complexes are focal or nodal points of psychic life which we would not wish to do without; indeed, they should not be missing, for otherwise psychic activity would come to a fatal standstill."Jung, C.G., A Psychological Theory of Types, Collected Works. vol. 6, par. 925.

You may also enjoy reading 

Complex, Archetype, Symbol by Jolande Jacobi

The Individuation Principle by Murray Stein

Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube

Get the book Project Relationship

Learn about Joli and how to work with her

If you want to stay up to date on Joli's jealousy work be sure to join the Project Relationship mailing list

Jessica will be back next week with her coauthor David Cooley. Prime the pump by listening to this episode!

~

It's normal to want your relationship to feel secure.

It's normal to want to individuate.

It's normal to want to explore what life can look like beyond the constraints of default monogamy.

But how do you actually deal with your specific attachment wounds and still create a love that makes space for multiple loving connections? 

Joli & Jessica dove into how attachment theory can help us make a relationship that actually works for us, but we went beyond the surface of attachment theory. Y'all are smart- and she's done a lot of interviews already (google is your friend), so I wanted to go deeper and find out how Jessica weaves other theories into her work and how she helps people move out of relational trauma loops and into the life they desire. 

Jealousy, internal family systems/parts work, and narrative therapy... oh, and some sneak peeks of Jessica's upcoming book Polywise!

Jessica Fern is a Psychotherapist, Certified Clinical Trauma Professional, and author of the book Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma, and NonMonomgamy and The Polysecure Workbook. In her international private practice, Jessica works with individuals, couples, and people in multiple-partner relationships who no longer want to be limited by their reactive patterns, cultural conditioning, insecure attachment styles, and past traumas, helping them to embody new possibilities in life and love. 

Learn more at  www.JessicaFern.com 

Get the support you NEED to have the open relationship you WANT in my year-long group program, The Year Of Opening. Go here now >>> www.TheYearOfOpening.com

Playing With Fire has been featured as one of the top 5 ⁠best non-monogamy podcasts⁠!

Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at⁠⁠ www.JoliQuiz.com⁠

It sounds kind of weird, but monogamy isn’t necessarily the opposite of non-monogamy. In this episode we talk about how we decide what the boundaries of our relationships are, and share some ideas about how we can stretch our imaginations to bring more of what we want into those relationships.

Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube

Get my free top 5 relationship guides at ListenToJoli.com for easy to implement conversations that will help you create the love you really want.

Get the book Project Relationship

Learn about Joli and how to work with her

If you want to stay up to date on all of Joli's work be sure to join the Project Relationship mailing list

Marriage is learning all the things you missed on your first meeting. Imagine asking your partner a question you know the answer to and getting a new answer. Does that sound fun, or scary, or both? In this episode we talk about how that works for us, how we make room for each other to change, and how we handle those changes.

Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube

Can anxiety can be an opportunity? Consensual non-monogamy is not simple, and it can lead to anxiety. In this episode we talk about how that anxiety can be an opportunity and a guide to learn more about ourselves and our relationships.

Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube

Get my free top 5 relationship guides at ListenToJoli.com for easy to implement conversations that will help you create the love you really want.

Get the book Project Relationship

Learn about Joli and how to work with her

If you want to stay up to date on all of Joli's work be sure to join the Project Relationship mailing list

Conventional wisdom tells us marriage is all about compromise and we are not here for it. Honestly, conventional wisdom will, at best get you a conventional relationship... and if you are here you want way more than that kind of life.

Let's talk about what compromise does to your individuation path, where compromise is appropriate, and how to choose an uncompromising intimacy with love and compassion.

Watch this episode on YouTube

Are you ready to have an unconventional love? Take this 2 minute quiz and see!

Long term fun? Sign me up! In this episode we talk about generating fun in the context of a relationship. We share some ideas about what could be fun, some thoughts about things that get in the way, and how we can learn from that and bring ourselves more satisfaction.

Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube

Get my free top 5 relationship guides at ListenToJoli.com for easy to implement conversations that will help you create the love you really want.

Get the book Project Relationship

Learn about Joli and how to work with her

If you want to stay up to date on all of Joli's work be sure to join the Project Relationship mailing list

Do you want to give gifts that inspire feelings of love and pleasure? In this episode we're talking about focusing on the feelings we create and understanding our people, so we know what and how they like to receive gifts. Gary Chapman's Five Love Languages can be a useful model for helping us understand ourselves and each other, and the more we talk to each other and collaborate on designing the celebrations we want, the more likely we are to get them.

Take the free, quick love languages quiz on Gary Chapman's site

Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube

Get the book Project Relationship

Learn about Joli and how to work with her

If you want to stay up to date on Joli's jealousy work be sure to join the Project Relationship mailing list

The many marriages model has helped us manage to stay both committed and independent over the long term. In this episode we are talking about what happens when a marriage goes through inevitable change, because change is the only guarantee we get in life. So, when change shows up, what do you do?  Do you resist and try to keep your marriage as it always has been or do you transition with grace? 

Once again, rituals can facilitate strong, growth-oriented transitions. Check out chapter 12 in Project Relationship for an easy template to create a ritual that will help you make the most of change in your love life: Get the book Project Relationship.

One of the tools we suggest is learning to tolerate ambiguity because there are big gains to be made when we can do that. Here's an article from Ness Labs that explains the theory https://nesslabs.com/ambiguity-effect

Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube

Learn about Joli and how to work with her

If you want to stay up to date on Joli's jealousy work be sure to join the Project Relationship mailing list

Do you experience jealousy as overwhelming, painful, or disruptive? How about envy? Yeah- most people agree, there's more pain than fun packed into these feelings. But, like other big emotions, jealousy and envy have are rich with gold you for your individuation journey. The trick is to begin seeing these green-eyed monsters for their archetypal content rather than as something to solve.

Jealousy and envy won't necessarily become your favorite emotional experiences, but they can absolutely become part of your personal growth process starting today. 

Joli's spent the past decade researching to bring you practical methods for working with jealousy & envy whether you are non-monogamous, monogamous, or just figuring out what the right relationship style is for you.

Watch this episode on YouTube

Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com

Quarantine has gone on a long time, now, and most of the natural breaks we used to get have disappeared. As the world opens up we are READY to get some space for sure but honestly, Joli can't wait any longer. Listen to this episode as we brainstorm a way to get a much-needed break from each other with respect and mutual caring. In this episode, we are creating an intentional, well-defined break in our relationship to avoid enmeshment and increase satisfaction. When we say this show is honest, we mean it... this episode found us exploring and co-creating our relationship on the fly. 

Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube

We talk about compersion a lot (duh, it’s awesome!!). But compersion is more than an emotion, and it’s more than the opposite of jealousy. Luckily, Marie Thouin (one of our podcast BFFs) returns to PWF to discuss her new book, What Is Compersion?, which dives into the complexities of compersion as a value system that does not have to be restricted to romantic relationships. In fact, we all have benefitted greatly from expanding the way that we understand and practice compersion to our platonic and professional relationships!

If compersion hasn’t clicked for you in the past, if you struggle with feelings of jealousy in your platonic, romantic, or professional relationships, or if you just want to nerd out with us about compersion, you don’t wanna skip this one! We draw on our personal experiences, academic research, and insights from coaching hundreds of people in the non-monogamy community.

In this episode, we talk about:

— Why compersion is more than just an emotion

— Compersion as a value vs. compersion as an escape

— Compersion myths, including the misconception that it can eliminate jealousy entirely

— The power of applying the concept of compersion to non-romantic relationships, and how that can be a huge opportunity for personal growth

— Compersion vs. jealousy vs. envy

— Addressing personal challenges in feeling compersion, particularly in friendships, and overcoming envy and competitiveness

— Discussing practical ways to cultivate compersion in daily life and relationships

— Why compersion doesn’t mean the absence of jealousy, as emotions are fluid and contextual

— Integrating academic research, coaching, and personal experience to better understand and teach compersion

Resources mentioned in this episode:

— Marie Thouin's new book "What is Compersion" is available for pre-order!

— Check out Marie’s website whatiscompersion.com for information about her research, blogs, and a list of resources on compersion

— Follow Marie’s Instagram account @loveinsightdating

— Book a FREE 30-minute introductory coaching call with Marie

Join the global Week of Visibility for Non-monogamy – July 15-21. Visit www.weekofvisibility.com to learn more and get involved!

Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at⁠⁠ ⁠www.JoliQuiz.com⁠

Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here

Read the transcript of this episode here

Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

No matter how good your sex life is, we're all growing, changing critters in a dynamic world. So something will change and we'll want to adapt so we can have the best sex we can. In this episode we're talking about how to make sex better by sharing feedback about our sexual experiences.

Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube

Get the book Project Relationship

Learn about Joli and how to work with her

If you want to stay up to date on Joli's jealousy work be sure to join the Project Relationship mailing list

In episode 11 we are talking about money and how hard it can be to say what needs to be said when we share finances and responsibility for a household. Going from terrified and even dishonest money habits to open, honest, connected conversations about money isn't easy because so many of us have money complexes- hangups that leave us acting in wildly unhelpful ways. Making money talk-aboutable is key to making relationship teamwork a reality instead of a pipedream.

Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube

If your monsters could help you live more of the life you want to live, would you get to know them, and invite them in? What about sharing them with a trusted partner in a thoughtful, conscious process?

Ken did, and it made him cry, right here in the podcast - tears of relief for the possibility of realizing potential. We're talking about letting in our darker parts, and how much our lives can expand when we do.

Do your monsters sometimes stage a take-over, hurting you and others? It happens, and it means that it is time to get conscious and practical about shadow work.

Want to take this further? Joli's Sexual Shadow Masterclass is a great next step.

We mentioned a couple of songs in this episode, here are the links for Spotiify:

The Avett Brothers - The Perfect Space

Suzanne Vega - Don't Uncork What You Can't Contain

There is no one way for relationships to work. What does "work" even mean, really? That is up to the people in the relationship. In this episode, we explore some of the common labels people use to describe their open relationships and what we have decided to use in ours. Of course, labels will only take you so far before you need to dive into the actual meaning behind your words and this can get messy sometimes.

The idea of designing a relationship is at the heart of our life. This episode is all about how we have created our open relationship- one that works for us and flexes as we change and grow. 

Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube

Follow Joli on Instagram