Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam (Dr. Cam)
Explorez tous les épisodes de Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam
| Date | Titre | Durée | |
|---|---|---|---|
| 21 Dec 2020 | Facing Our Fears as Parents with Dr. Helen Odessky | 00:16:26 | |
In this episode, Dr. Cam talks with Helen Odessky, Psy. D., a licensed clinical psychologist, coach, speaker, and author of the bestselling books “Stop Anxiety from Stopping You” and “Stop Fear from Stopping You”. Her advice has been featured in numerous national and international media outlets. In this interview, Dr. Helen shares how...
Connect with Dr. Helen Odessky Facebook | Instagram | LinkedIn | Twitter | Website
Connect with Dr. Cam www.askdrcam.com | Facebook | Instagram | LinkedIn | Twitter | YouTube | iTunes
If you found this episode helpful, please LIKE, FOLLOW, REVIEW & SHARE. Thanks :) | |||
| 27 Aug 2024 | 3 Proven Ways to Motivate Strong-Willed Teenagers and Build Trust with Kirk Martin | 00:42:56 | |
If you're struggling to connect with your strong-willed teenager and every conversation feels like a tug-of-war, you're not alone. In this episode, Dr. Cam sits down with parenting expert Kirk Martin, founder of CelebrateCalm.com and host of the Calm Parenting Podcast. Together, they share practical and actionable strategies to turn defiance and power struggles into calm, productive conversations. You'll learn how to motivate your strong-willed teen, build a trusting relationship, and navigate these challenging years with more peace and understanding. Tune in to discover how changing your approach as a parent can transform your family dynamic and empower your teen to be their authentic self. Don’t miss out on these game-changing tips! WHAT YOU'LL LEARN IN THIS EPISODE
🎧❤️ ENJOYING THE SHOW? If you found this episode helpful, don’t keep it to yourself! Share your favorite episode with friends and family, and leave a rating and review to help other parents discover the support they need. Your feedback helps me continue creating episodes packed with practical tips for families just like yours! Thanks for your support! 🙏💫 🔔 Don’t forget to Follow so you never miss another episode filled with solutions that make parenting teens easier! 🙌 TOP 5 TAKEAWAYS FOR PARENTS OF TEENS
EPISODE CHAPTERS:
CONNECT WITH OUR GUEST: Kirk Martin
FULL TRANSCRIPT Dr. Cam (00:01.646) Hey parents, if you're struggling to get through to your strong-willed teenager, feeling like every conversation turns into a battle, you're not alone. Today we're diving into three ways to motivate strong-willed teenagers. I'm joined by a special guest who's a game changer in this area, Kirk Martin. Kirk is the founder of CelebrateCom.com and host of the Calm Parenting podcast. He’s mastered the art of transforming defiance and power struggles into productive conversations. Today, he’s going to share practical strategies to not only get our teens to listen but also build a close, trusting relationship with them. Kirk, welcome to the show. Kirk (00:42.332) Dr. Cam, I'm super excited to be here! Dr. Cam (00:44.874) Yes, this is great. Let's start with your backstory. What inspired you to start working with parents and their teenagers? Kirk (00:53.02) Our own son. Our son, Casey, came out of the womb with boxing gloves on – that kind of strong-willed kid who fights you over everything. Like most parents, I parented like my dad did: fear and intimidation, yelling, and screaming. But with a strong-willed child, you know this – they’re fight-or-flight kids. You double down on your discipline, and your strong-willed child will push back even harder. Dr. Cam (01:22.375) Exactly. Kirk (01:23.644) So, I spent the first seven or eight years of his life trying to change him, thinking, "He just needs to listen to me." But then I realized, no, I need to change myself. I was yelling at my son, telling him to calm down, when inside, he was probably thinking, "Apparently, you haven't mastered that skill at 35!" Everything changed when I changed. I stopped feeding off my anxiety, control issues, and perfectionism as a parent. Then, we did something a little weird that my wife hated. I said, “I have an awesome idea—let’s bring in strong-willed kids, kids on the spectrum, into our home for something called Lego camp.” The idea was to teach impulse control, emotion regulation, and social skills in real-life situations, not in an office. And all the kids came, not knowing they were being worked on. It was kind of like play therapy, but outside of an office setting. We did that for a decade, and over 1,500 kids came through our home. That’s the backstory. Eventually, we started speaking, and I shifted from working with kids—which was the easy part—to working with the parents. You know this, Dr. Cam: we, as parents, bring so much baggage into it. But when I changed, everything shifted in the family dynamic. Dr. Cam (03:10.34) I love that. And I love how it started with your self-awareness because that’s the key to all of parenting—the ability to stop and ask, "What’s my part in this dynamic?" If we focus on changing our teen, nothing will change unless we're willing to change ourselves. Kirk (03:30.684) Yeah, that’s true. You know, when you're looking at that middle school child who's been in the same hoodie for 18 straight days, playing video games, and you start thinking, "Who’s going to marry this kid? Who’s going to hire this kid?" You start lecturing them, pointing out everything they're doing wrong. Dr. Cam (03:32.302) So, what’s the problem with that approach? Kirk (03:57.924) Eventually, they shut down or say, “Screw you” inside, thinking, “You're never happy with me.” The good news, though, is if our success as a family depends on changing our spouse or child, we’re in trouble. We can’t change another person. But if it depends on changing ourselves, we’ve got a shot. When you change yourself, it actually changes how your kids respond to you. Dr. Cam (04:32.164) 100%. And when you started working with parents, my whole philosophy is the same. Teens won’t change unless we work with the parents. Once the parents change, the teens usually come along, too. So let’s talk about that typical teen—the one wearing the hoodie, hiding in their room playing games, and giving one-word responses when we ask about their day. A lot of parents take that very personally. They feel like their teen is pushing them out of their life, so they try to insert themselves more and more. Or they demand that their teen come down and spend time with them, regardless of whether the teen enjoys it. Why don’t these approaches work? Kirk (05:27.516) Well, kids—especially teens—are supposed to be independent, right? It would be weird if a 15-year-old said, "Mom, I’d rather spend time with you than my friends." That’s the normal stage for them. With strong-willed kids, the more you push, the more they resist. For me, it’s about drawing them to me and leading. For example, when our son was a teenager, if he brought something up, I would think, “I have this lecture in my head about how to choose friends.” But instead, I’d say, “Hey, Casey, I have some thoughts on that, but I need to get started on dinner. I’ll be in the garage, and if you want to come chat later, I’d love to share.” I wasn’t forcing it on him. They won’t come to you and say, “Dad, you have so much wisdom, I’m ready to hear it.” They’ll probably say, “Okay, what are your dumb ideas?” But I don’t take it personally. Any positive interaction is a win. It’s all about resetting expectations. Dr. Cam (07:14.306) Yes! That’s such a great point. And honestly, that’s a sign of healthy development. It’s normal for a teen to be a little sassy. Kirk (07:18.908) Right! It would be strange if they weren’t a little sassy at 13 or 16. There’s a difference between normal sass and outright defiance. If they’re calling you names or saying, “I hate you,” that’s a different issue. But the normal sass is just part of growing up. Dr. Cam (07:39.902) Exactly. What I’ve seen is that the more extreme attitude often comes after a lot of normal sass and being shut down or punished for it. They get frustrated when their normal attempts at independence aren’t accepted. Have you noticed that? Kirk (08:07.164) Yeah, Dr. Cam, do you agree with this? When they’ve crossed that threshold into anger and frustration, it’s almost like they’re crying out, “I’ve been trying to tell you this, but you’re not listening.” They’re not mature enough to say, “Dad, you haven’t adjusted well to my new independence. Can we talk about this?” So it just comes out in anger. Does that sound right? Dr. Cam (08:41.546) It's a hundred percent, and that's what the teens tell me all the time. Several of them have actually tried saying not exactly the words you've used, but have tried saying that and gotten shot down. Like, "You're being disrespectful telling me what I need to do." Right? And so teens don't have a voice. Even if they see this and ask for something to be changed, they don’t get heard. They get shut down, and that being shut down a few times leads to this: "I don't care anymore. If you're going to make my life miserable, I'm going to make your life miserable." And I see a lot of that. Kirk (09:18.554) And they'll win at that because the strong-willed kids don’t care about consequences, right? So you’ll be like, “Well, I’m going to take away all your video games,” and they’re like, “Fine. I will literally sit in my room and stare at the wall.” Then the parents are going to freak out. It’s not about winning in that situation. So, good. Yeah, I found people of all ages want to be heard. And it doesn't mean we have to endlessly listen to every little complaint—not that. But most of our teenagers, they're really bright kids, right? And I always tell parents, “Listen, they’re trying to tell you something.” It doesn’t mean you give in, you don’t buy them everything they want, not that. But when they do bring something up, I like the more humble approach, which is saying, “Hey, I need to apologize to you because I think I’ve spent the last five, seven, 13 years just lecturing you and just talking all the time, and I haven’t really listened.” And if you start listening, well, then they’re gonna come to you too, right? They might spend like seven minutes with you instead of a minute and a half at night. So, right? 'Cause I’m always with teens, I’m like, “Take any opportunity you can.” Because typical teenage life, to me, is—especially during the school year—they come home, they don’t want to talk about school. By the way, can I share this one? Kind of a cool idea. So the strong-willed kids that we work with, they’re not always great at school. They’re really smart, but they’re not. So asking them after school, “Hey, how was your day at school?” It’s like, “Hey, how was that day at the place that you don’t have a lot of friends, you’re bored?” Yeah, it sucks. What else do you want to know, Mom? Right? And then the next question is, “Well, do you have any homework?” “No, I got it all done in study hall.” And they just lied to you. Dr. Cam (10:44.206) Yes, please. Kirk (11:12.016) That afternoon time after school, when you ask about their day, it sounds like an interrogation to them because it’s filled with our anxiety. "How did you do? How did you do on that test?" Because I need you to do well on that test so you can get a good grade, so you can get into the right college, so you can get a good job, so you can get that. So after school, sometimes, complete silence at times can be really wonderful. And if you want to have a conversation, this is really cool to say: “Hey, you know what? Something happened to me today at the post office, at work, or in the political world. I’m curious, what would you do if you were in my situation?” And now you switch it from interrogating them about their day to listening to their ideas about your day. It’s a really cool thing to get them to open up. Dr. Cam (12:02.432) It is amazing, and I want to throw in there too that parents will listen to this and then they’ll go do it. They’ll ask exactly what you just said, and their kids will be like, “I don’t care.” So the reason I say this is because it’s not something that you can just snap and go, "Okay, I’m going to change my approach today," and they’re immediately going to change their response. That does not happen, right? What can parents... Kirk (12:25.372) No, it’s immediate, Dr. Cam. All you have to do is one time, and then they should... I’m kidding. No, of course, yeah. Well, by the time you get to the teen years, you’ve had at least 13 years, especially the kids we work with. I mean, they’re in trouble from the time they’re little. They’ve developed a defensive kind of shield around their heart. They’ve been in trouble a lot. It’s going to take time. And I always encourage parents: I’m after the really long game. Dr. Cam (12:30.052) Exactly. And everything changes. Kirk (12:55.26) I’m after these kids bringing their grandkids to you, right? Because, you know, you work with these families. Sometimes the relationship has been severed and hurt for 13 or 14 years. So I play the long game. And so, look, you change... anyway, I want you to change, not because you’re hoping for a result, but just because it’s the right thing to do, right? And it will bear fruit. It sometimes just takes time. Yeah, so do it a few times and don’t be discouraged when they say, “I don’t know.” I tried your method and he said, “I don’t know.” I’m like, okay, because he’s waiting for you. He’s going to say something, and then your next question is going to be, “So how was school today? Did you get your homework done?” Like, you know what... An apology, I’ve realized as I’ve gotten older, apologies and praising kids are all just statements of fact. “Hey, I want to apologize because for the first... Dr. Cam (13:35.549) It’s a trap. Kirk (13:52.572) Thirteen years of your life, I think I’ve sent the message that you’re not capable of being successful. I’ve micromanaged you. I lecture you. I’m always on you about your room, your hygiene, all of this. And that’s about my own anxiety. I want to apologize. It’s not groveling. I don’t want to say, “I’ve been such a bad parent.” It’s just an acknowledgment of truth—that’s the way I’ve done it. And I can imagine that’s made you feel... and then you fill that in. Like, “You could never please me.” That was mine with my son. “Hey Casey, it’s like you could never please me because I’m never really happy.” Right? I’ll say like, “Hey, good job, but...” So when I started having these discussions with him, he never looked at me and said, “Dad, that’s so meaningful to me that you would acknowledge that.” Not in the moment, but I could see it was like, “My dad’s getting it now.” And it was connecting with his heart, and it slowly began to shift our relationship. Dr. Cam (14:55.854) Yeah, I think that is so beautiful because we need to shift our focus not from getting the response we want from our kids. Because we’re setting them up to fail and us to be disappointed. But setting it up so that we are showing up the way we want to show up for them consistently and without expectation of how they’re going to respond. And I think that expectation is very difficult to manage. Kirk (15:26.524) That’s good, Dr. Cam. That’s good. We could end it right there. Boom. No, that’s the hard part. But that’s the same as it is for, you know, a three-year-old. It’s like, “Well, when’s my toddler going to start to get some self-discipline?” I’m like, “She’s not 40, okay?” Like, they’re developing. So yeah, I’m with you on that. You do the right thing, and the really great thing, which I know you’ve found is... Dr. Cam (15:29.884) Right there, mic drop, boom. Kirk (15:55.534) It changes you as a person. All that anxiety—it affects every relationship. And now, especially in the teen years, moms and dads, you've done a good job with your kids, right? If you're listening to a parenting podcast, you're a good parent. The bad ones aren’t tuning in. You've done everything. You've given every lecture, hopefully modeled things well. So now, throw that extra energy into changing yourself. You don’t need to make sandwiches anymore, you have more time. It will free you to enjoy the rest of your life, and your kids will see that. They’ll watch and say, "I just saw my mom or dad change right in front of my eyes." That’s the biggest lesson you could give them. Dr. Cam (16:52.034) Yeah, it's amazing when we do that. But I know parents are still thinking, "Okay, you’ve said if I listen and change, I’ll see results, but how do I get my teen to do what I want?" They want their teen to get up and do something. If their kid stays in their room all day, not motivated, they’re worried, “How do I put fire in their belly?” Kirk (17:41.66) You can’t put fire in their belly. That’s step one: You can’t do it. Parents, you’ve tried rewards, money, bribery. You’ve tried every consequence and punishment. It’s been 15 years, and none of that worked. So realize, you can’t do it for them. Dr. Cam (17:43.62) Thank you. Kirk (18:11.844) Building your connection with them is the most important thing you can do. Bonding over something they’re interested in is key. I know as a dad, I used to think, “Let me get my son interested in what I like.” My son was super into cars, and I hated cars. But every Saturday, we went to a dealership to look at cars and test drive them. It was agenda-free time. I wasn’t allowed to make dad analogies—no "life is like a car" talk. We just enjoyed each other. Try to enjoy your teen. Smile at their attitude. They’re smart kids, and sometimes their comments are disrespectful, but clever too. I’d think, "That was really disrespectful, but well done." They’re smart. Another idea for strong-willed kids: Ask them to teach you something. You’ve spent their whole life telling them what to do, but let them teach you something. Ask them to help with technology. My son helped me, and it gave him a sense of agency—he wasn’t the little boy anymore. You also have to fight the anxiety. Your kids will change. Look, I was a dopey 15-year-old. If you looked at me back then, you’d think, "How is this kid going to succeed?" They grow and change. But I promise, the sooner you release them—say, "I release you to be who you are, to be the person you’re supposed to be"—that’s powerful language. Dr. Cam (20:34.564) That’s really powerful. I love that. Kirk (20:37.702) Can you talk about that for a minute? Because you’re good at this with teens—releasing them. Dr. Cam (20:44.58) From the teen perspective, they spend so much time trying to get approval from their parents. They end up disregarding who they are to meet their parents' expectations. So they start doubting themselves, not having the confidence to make decisions or share their opinions. This causes them to shut down. When we release them from our expectations, it’s like cutting the cord. A lot of parents see their kids as an extension of themselves, which is why they try to control them. But if we see our kids as separate people, our role is to adapt to their needs. Kirk (21:52.656) Dr. Cam, that’s awesome. If you do that, then my second step would be this: For the next week, affirm everything your child is already doing well. Just relentlessly. "Hey, nice job with that." With strong-willed kids, keep it short and sweet. "I saw how you handled that. You’re growing." Don’t expect long thank-yous. Praise the small things, like when they bring their plate to the sink. It’s easy to get irritated by the typical teen behavior—leaving the fridge open, eating snacks, leaving trash around. But when they do something good, even small things, acknowledge it. Simple stuff like, “I really love hearing your perspective.” No need for long speeches. Dr. Cam (23:29.702) It’s so uncomfortable. Kirk (23:48.154) Here’s something fantastic: If your kids play video games, recognize the positive traits they show. I hated video games. I wanted my son to be outside, but I realized when he played, he was goal-oriented, persistent, and a leader. I said to him, “I’ve noticed you’re really motivated and persistent when you’re on your video games. When you find your vision in life, you’ll use those qualities to crush it.” And then I gave him a fist bump and walked out. Dr. Cam (24:12.452) That’s great! Kirk (24:15.704) It’s about recognizing the good qualities they already have. Strong-willed kids may only do the bare minimum, but affirm their progress. If I could give you one more tip: Help your kids use their natural gifts, talents, and passions outside the home. The neurotypical kids get praise for being good at school, but our strong-willed kids often don’t excel in the typical school setting. Outside the home, they can shine. Dr. Cam (24:52) That’s huge. Kirk (25:00) Let them use their gifts in other settings. And third, hold them accountable to another adult. Other adults see things you might not. They can hold your kids accountable in ways you can’t. For example, if your kid loves soccer but struggles with school, find a coach who could use their help with younger kids. This external validation, from someone else, can be powerful. I had a mom ask me about her teenage daughter with a bad attitude. I asked, “What does she love doing?” The daughter loved soccer and was great with little kids. I suggested she help out at a local soccer practice. The daughter was thrilled, and it gave her a sense of purpose. It worked because the recognition came from someone outside the family. That’s the key—find a way to connect your kid’s passions with real-world opportunities. Dr. Cam (27:56.94): Yeah, that's a big difference. That right there separates whether it's going to work or not. Kirk (28:02.78): Yeah, so arrange that. They'll do it for someone else because they like pleasing others, just not you. So this girl, Rebecca, goes out on Tuesday night. She's in her environment, around little kids, and loves soccer. At the end of practice, she gets hugs from 12 little girls. When she comes home, does she have attitude? No, because her gifts were drawn out of her, and she had a purpose, something she was good at doing. The coach said, "We’ve got a game Saturday morning. Could you help out?" Of course, she’s there. After the game, two sets of parents came up to her and said, "Look, we don't know who you are, but our daughters never stopped talking about you. They're struggling in school. Would you consider tutoring them?" Not knowing that Rebecca hadn’t done schoolwork in years. But now, she has a reason to do it—because she wants to help these little kids. The key is to discover what motivates your child, not what motivates you. As parents, we might be motivated by school because we were good at it and got attention. But maybe your child isn’t good at school. You need to discover what motivates them. The coach told Rebecca, "If you're going to work with these little kids, I better not hear from your mom that you're mouthing off. You better keep a B average if you’re going to help me because I’m looking for a leader." Now, Rebecca has something to work for. We often do this with kids who are good with animals. Get them volunteering at a veterinarian's office. The vet might say, "You've got a gift with animals. You could be a vet one day." And that’s the first time someone has told that child they could be a veterinarian. Everyone else is focused on their grades and bad behavior. But the vet sees the gift. That’s when the child comes home and says, "Mom, I want to be a veterinarian." And mom’s thinking, "I’m not sure you're even making it out of middle school," but now they're motivated. So I’d encourage you to find their mission and a mentor. A mission they can throw themselves into. Dr. Cam (30:51.438): Yeah, that's the beauty of having your own podcast. You can go as long as you want. Kirk (30:52.086): I’ll give you one more, and I’m sorry for dominating the conversation. You know who’s really good with teenagers? Older people. Find an older couple in your neighborhood and have them reach out to your teenager. Ask them for help with something they can’t do anymore. Your teenager walks in, and they’re going to love on them. They miss having kids around, and they’ll teach them about life. Your teens will come home saying, "Yeah, I like the Robinsons down the street. They said that I'm really good at X." And then, just send them to do their homework, and they'll spend a lot of time with that old couple. It's a really effective strategy for teens. Older people are very grounding for teens. They've been through hard times, and they don’t carry all that anxiety. They can reach into a teenager's heart in a way that other people can’t. They'll say, "I remember what that was like," even if it was back in 1947. There's something beautiful about that. Dr. Cam (32:19.78): I really, really love that. And I think it's beneficial for both sides because the couple probably loves having that younger energy too. But having someone who has no agenda, who can purely see the child’s heart and authenticity, and just be okay with whatever that is—it's priceless. When teens act out, it's a cry for exactly that. That’s why they have attitude. They're not just being nasty for the sake of it. It's not like they all meet online and say, “Let’s be mean today.” They’re reacting to their environment. If they're reacting poorly, that means the environment isn't giving them what they need to thrive. That’s not their fault. Kirk (33:20.925): Preach it. I love that. I can tell you're passionate about it because it’s true. You begin to control your own anxiety, affirm them for what they're doing well, and then put them in situations where they can help little kids, work with animals, or be around older people. You’ll see a subtle shift. But be patient. They're fighting 13, 15, 17 years of a different way. So go slowly with it. It’s a cool process. My number one piece of advice is to enjoy your teenagers. Enjoy a little bit of that attitude. Enjoy their energy. Ask them about their friends. They’ll talk inappropriately, of course, and sometimes just laugh. You might think, “That’s inappropriate,” but it's actually spot-on. Like, "Sarah’s mom is a little like that." You’re right. Dr. Cam (34:18.744): Yeah. And I think it’s also about accepting their language. Just because they don’t use our language doesn’t mean it’s disrespectful. I see so many people complaining about their kids calling them "bro." But that’s actually a term of endearment. For them, it’s not disrespectful—it's them being chummy. Parents get upset, but it’s just their way of connecting. Understanding their language can make a big difference. Kirk (34:40.93): It is. You can always look at it if they use it in a disrespectful way, right? But when they say, "Okay, bro," you can have some fun with it. The next time they ask for something, you can say, "Hey, it’s unfortunate, but your bro doesn’t have money and can’t drive. But your dad can." I did that with my son once. But you can have fun with it instead of saying, “When I was a kid, if I’d called my dad bro…” Right? That just means you're really old. Dr. Cam (35:13.928): It does! And I tell parents this all the time: You are not as amazing and perfect as you think you were. I can guarantee you drove your parents crazy too. Kirk (35:26.012): Yeah, I always tell dads, “Look, you were a dopey 8-year-old and a clueless 14-year-old. You were just trying to figure life out. They’re just trying to figure life out too.” I always tell parents, relax a little. It's like, yes, we have to train them, but remember—they're not 35 yet. Same with teenagers. They're not grown-ups yet. When it comes to toddlers, I tell parents, “Write a job description for a 3-year-old.” It's not to wake up, put on a suit, and be perfect—it’s to make messes, be curious, and explore. It's the same with teenagers. They’re not adults. But one other thing I’d throw in is normalizing the teen years for them. This is a weird time in life. There's no other time when you’re grouped in classes with kids your own age, listening to people talk about stuff you just don’t care about, and dealing with all the social stuff. As an adult, you get to choose so much, but right now, it's hard. So, if they feel awkward, they should. Because they are. Just don’t tell them that. Dr. Cam (36:27.074): Yeah, it's terrible. Kirk (36:47.18): Absolutely. Their hormones are out of control. They're not even in control of their own bodies, half the time. Their minds and thoughts are all over the place. It's a wonder how teenage boys can even pay attention in class when there's Instagram out there, with all those images they can see. Seriously. I mean, I don’t know how they get up in the morning and do anything. Dr. Cam (37:11.99): Exactly. It's true. Kirk (37:15.78): I didn't mean to be inappropriate, but as teenage boys, we had to sneak around to see pictures in a magazine. And now it's like, my Instagram feed is full of girls with no clothes on. Like that's a hard world to navigate. We didn't have this whole social media thing. It's hard for us as adults too—our friends are posting about vacations, and we’re left wondering, "How come we didn’t take that nice vacation?" Dr. Cam (37:44.342): Right? I’ll tell you, I see more pressure coming from parents based on what they see on Instagram and social media, which they then put on their kids because they say, "Well, look, all my friends' kids are doing this. So you need to do it too." Parents, you can't use your phone to judge your kids and what you see on their phones to judge them. That’s a hard thing. And I think the other thing—and I’m curious what your thoughts are on this—I personally am highly annoyed with how much emphasis is being put on social media and tech as the cause of mental health issues. I see it more as a symptom than the actual cause of the problem. Kirk (38:28.764): I agree. And this is where I’m not about guilt-blaming parents, right? I’m very honest with parents. I’ll say, "Hey, you're a freak in that area. You need to stop that." But if you have a really good bond and a trusting relationship with your child, and they’re doing some positive, constructive things—that’s my goal with the mission and mentor—let’s just start with something simple. Let’s just take them 30 minutes down to the Robinson’s house one day a week. If they’re doing that, then the outside pressures of social media won’t hit them as hard. They’re a little inoculated. But if they always feel like they can never please their parents, and everyone’s trying to make them be someone they’re not, then they’re much more susceptible to things like vaping and other risky behaviors. Focus on the connection. Stay close to your kids. And even if they just sit in their room and don’t get good grades, you have smart kids. Once they get a vision for their life, strong-willed kids often just do the bare minimum to get by all the way through high school. And you’ll think, "But you’re not doing this, or not doing that." But I’m telling you—it’s strategically brilliant. Dr. Cam (39:43.96): That’s right. They’re working smart, not hard. Kirk (39:46.588): Why would they do extra work to get grades they don’t care about? We told them, "In order to keep your screens, you have to maintain exactly a 79.3 average." And they’ll get a 79.3—not a 79.4. But why wouldn’t they do their best? Because they’re not motivated by it. Then, as they get a little older, gain vision, and take ownership of their lives, they turn it on. I’ll tell you, the strong-willed kids have it harder, but they’re not made to be kids. You put them in the adult world, and they crush it. Look, our son, Casey, was horrible as a child. He didn’t clean his room and was awful. But in the real world, which is what you’re raising them for—you’re not raising kids to be kids, you’re raising them to be adults—Casey crushes it. He’s just terrible at all the arbitrary kid stuff. And parents, cleaning their bedrooms? There’s a reason there’s a door. Just chill. You’re a freak. Own that. And by the way, if there’s a fire, they’ll be able to get out. That’s an excuse. Sit in the mess until it doesn’t trigger you. Dr. Cam (40:54.39): Yeah, I know. We are so on the same page, Kirk. I’m exactly the same way. I’ve got the messy room and I’m like, "Do not even leave that cracked open because it’ll give me heart palpitations." But it’s your space. It’s not my space. You deal with it the way you want to deal with it. I agree with everything you’re saying. I love that. So, Kirk, how do people find you? Kirk (41:13.638): You can look up the Calm Parenting Podcast. That’s the best way. We’re also at CelebrateCalm.com, but the Calm Parenting Podcast is the main one. You can email us if you have specific issues with teens or kids. Some of you probably have younger kids too—hopefully, more compliant, easy ones. But hopefully not. Because the strong-willed kids will change you and make you a different person. It’s awesome. So yeah, check out the podcast. Dr. Cam (41:48.576): I love it. Thank you so much, Kirk, for joining us today. I really appreciate you. You’re awesome. Kirk (41:51.142): Dr. Cam, you’re awesome. I can’t wait to send a lot of our teens directly to your podcast because your approach is so great. You’re chill, you’re not freaking out about stuff, and you’re really good at this. Thank you for what you’re doing. Dr. Cam (42:05.55): Thank you. Absolutely. About the Show: The Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Podcast is your go-to resource for navigating the challenges of raising teenagers. Hosted by Dr. Cam Caswell, an adolescent psychologist and certified parenting coach, this podcast offers practical parenting strategies, expert advice, and real-world insights to help you build a stronger relationship with your teen and support their emotional growth. Whether you’re struggling with teenage behavior or looking to improve communication, each episode provides actionable tips to make parenting teens easier and more rewarding. Perfect for both new and seasoned parents, this podcast helps you build the confidence to handle teen challenges and thrive together. #theteentranslator #drcamcaswell #parentingteenswithdrcam | |||
| 12 Nov 2024 | How to Overcome Parenting Overwhelm: Manage Stress & Support Your Teen Without Burning Out | 00:33:27 | |
Parenting teens is exhausting, overwhelming, and—let’s be honest—frustrating. But what if the key to handling it all isn’t about controlling their behavior? In this episode, Dr. Cam and Heather Chauvin dive into the power of self-care, emotional intelligence, and shifting your parenting mindset. Learn why focusing on your own growth and well-being can actually make you a more effective parent—and create a healthier, more connected relationship with your teen. WHAT YOU'LL LEARN IN THIS EPISODE
🎧 ENJOYING THE SHOW? Don’t keep it to yourself! Share your favorite episode and leave a rating and review to help other parents find the support they need. Your feedback helps me create even more episodes packed with practical tips just for you! Thanks for your support! 🙌 🔔 Hit Follow so you never miss another solution-packed episode! RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE 📖 Book: Dying to Be a Good Mother by Heather Chauvin EPISODE CHAPTERS 00:00 Navigating the Challenges of Parenting Teens 02:58 Heather Chauvin’s Journey to Empowerment 06:11 The Importance of Self-Identity in Parenting 08:56 Managing Overwhelm and Perfectionism 11:58 The Role of Self-Care in Parenting 15:03 Shifting Focus: From Control to Curiosity 17:55 Energetic Time Management for Parents 20:53 Creating a Healthy Parent-Child Dynamic 24:01 Embracing Emotional Intelligence in Parenting 26:59 The Power of Self-Respect and Connection CONNECT WITH OUR GUEST: Heather Chauvin
CONNECT WITH YOUR HOST: Dr. Cam Caswell
FULL TRANSCRIPT Dr. Cam Parents, let's face it, parenting teens can be emotionally and mentally exhausting. We're constantly juggling their mood challenges and the pressure of guiding them through some of the most difficult years of their lives and ours. The weight of always trying to say the right thing, keep the peace, and manage our own stress can lead of us feeling drained and overwhelmed. So how do we support our teens without burning out?
That's why I've invited Heather Chauvin to join us today. Heather is a leadership coach who helps successful women break free from the overwhelm and live, work, and parent with courage and authenticity. She's been featured in Forbes, Entrepreneur, and Real Simple Magazine. And she's here today to share strategies to help us lighten the emotional load, manage stress, and stay grounded so we can show up for our teens without losing ourselves in the process. Heather, welcome.
Heather Chauvin (00:56) I'm so excited for this conversation. Thank you.
Dr. Cam (01:00) Me too. So let's just start with your backstory. I love doing that. How did you get into leader leading women and getting into that?
Heather Chauvin (01:08) Well, it's actually funny and not so funny because teens, I have three boys, they're 19. Next month will be 15 and 12. And I'm incredibly passionate about raising this specific generation of teens because, or this age group. Because I was a teenager when I actually became a mother. I was 18 years old and that was my first cracking into personal development in my first moment as a mother, as a human, and as a small child or a young adult coming into the world, just with hitting that primal fear of not wanting to feel like I'm failing as a mother. And I remember looking at my son thinking, I don't want to become a statistic. I don't want us to become a statistic. And I need to do whatever I can in my power to become the adults that I most desire you to be. And the pendulum kind of swung where I was this overwhelmed, anxious teenager who wasn't behavioral. I didn't act out. I kind of retreated. And because I kind of swung the pendulum, of course, my nervous system was not regulated. And I started to become the overachiever. And I went and got a social work degree. I did all the things, I was checking the boxes. I was looking outside of myself for validation of like, am I good? Am I good? Is this what a good mother does? Is this what a good woman does? And internally, I felt like I was dying. Like I could just feel the burnout. I could feel the burnout and exhaustion, but I was like, this is not sustainable. And I knew that at a young age. And I had the whereabouts with me to ask for help, as we should. I went to therapy.
I went to the doctors and I started doing the traditional things and the feedback I was getting was like, like we were talking about the problem, but I wasn't getting like solutions to fix the problem or like I say fix, but like tools to implement and a strategy to physically like head in the right direction. I felt completely lost and like I was begging people to help me and the feedback was kind of like, this is adulthood, suck it up buttercup, you know, this is motherhood and But a part of me just wouldn't accept that. Fast forward, after leaving my corporate job as a social worker, I decided to really be the change I wanted to be in the world or make the change. And I started my podcast, started my business. And then I was diagnosed with a stage four cancer. My body was bleeding like please take care of yourself. I didn't understand the signs and symptoms and all the things. And that was, had nine years of personal development under my belt. I also had nine years of conscious parenting research and starting to help people see and understand their children's behavior. And it was, it was that moment where I was like, ladies, because I was primarily talking to women, like we need to stop just solely focused on the child and the child's behavior because we are part of the equation because at the moment I would hear feedback from my clients, cause I was a coach and they would say things to me like, I don't have time to implement this. My marriage is falling apart. My career is falling apart. I'm chronically overwhelmed. I'm feeling depleted. And I was like, okay, but we're focused over here. And then I was like, we need to look at both sides of the coin, both sides of the equation. And that was over a decade ago. Since then still helping women with the exact same issue, but at a different level and really supporting them to feel whole and fulfilled and alive and energized both at home and in their work.
Dr. Cam (05:11) I think a lot of people are going to be relating to this because that sense of overwhelm and needing to be perfect in every aspect of our lives. And women have so many different parts of their lives that they feel the need to be perfect in. And I think when it comes to parenting, especially with parenting teens, and all of a sudden we have the teen dynamics to deal with, a lot of us do feel like we're completely failing. And I see parents that will push that aside and just focus on what they're good at, right? So they just kind of blame the teen, go, that's the problem and I'm gonna focus here. Or they're so focused on trying to fix it and not being able to that they just start crumbling a little bit. So how do we get to a place, first of all, where we get into a good head space about who we are as a parent and what that looks like to be successful as a parent?
Heather Chauvin (06:11) Yeah, I think we need to stop labeling ourselves as mother or parent and start labeling ourselves as a human being because when we're putting them, we're over identifying with our labels and our roles and we're under identifying with who we are as a person and that we actually have basic human needs that are not being met to be seen, heard, love, understood. mean, freaking hydrated sunlight, like meals.Like the basics are not being met. And so I can identify with this in my own journey of like, who am I without being a mother? But the second your child turns a teen or you're starting to notice those hormonal changes, I mean, we had quite the time during COVID, like raising my oldest teenager, and it can be a shock to your system and you're gaining momentum, right? And you're like, what am I doing wrong?
And I think we have to stop making it about us and start being curious and observant as to what is actually going on in front of us. We take things so personal because we care so much. And I don't think we can argue with any parent that you don't love your children, right? Sometimes we have to learn how to manage that love because if we're not managing it or having boundaries with it, we're actually over -nurturing and over -compensating. And so whether it's overwhelm or perfectionism, so I always tell people like, write this down. Perfectionism is a coping strategy. It's not a personality trait. You don't say I'm a perfectionist. It's like you cope with perfectionism And when you can see you cope with perfectionism, you can see that as the blanket, as the mask. And then you begin to become curious as to why you do what you do. And again, overwhelm is a symptom. So if you are overwhelmed, that's a symptom. That's not a way of being. It's not a lifestyle. We do not need to accept feeling a certain way just because it's normal. And so cancer taught me that, but even way before that, I had this thought as to like, why do I need to feel like crap just because I'm a mother? Why do, and the reality is like going from the journey of, I mean, my son's almost 20 now, realizing that.
What actually saved me and helped my son going through the most difficult time and transition in his life was the fact that I had the mental, emotional and physical and spiritual capacity to hold him in his most vulnerable transition from childhood to adulthood. And that is, I just remember thinking again and again, damn, if I didn't do this work before I would be experiencing way more overwhelm in my life going through this transition and that saved me. But it is that belief that taking care of our needs takes away from other people. It's kryptonite to success in parenting.
Dr. Cam (09:40) I think there's almost this badge of honor people wear when they are so overwhelmed and busy. Like we say it as though it's like a brag, like, my gosh, I've got so much, when we're just haggard and exhausted. So I think first of all, that's almost like if we have it together, it's like, well, why aren't you doing enough kind of thing? Like you're saying no to stuff, who do you think you are? So I think there's this misconception of what it means to be a successful and involved parent and what that looks like. So the first thing is really separating that out. So in your mind, what does it look like to be a healthy, successful parent when it's not overwhelmed in doing everything?
Heather Chauvin (10:39) So, okay, so number one, you said something that when we're complaining or we're wearing busy as a badge of honor or we're trying to connect, it's the first thing that happens when you go to a kid's sporting event or you're hanging out, like in mom groups. I'm using mom in general, it can be parents in general. But you see this look in their eyes and their eyes get a little bit bigger and they're like, are you suffering like me?
Are you struggling like me? Because as human beings, we desire connection and belonging. And sometimes we're over identifying our suffering and our challenges with each other. It's like a little trauma bond, right? Like, are you struggling like me too? I just want to make sure that, you know, we're all in this together. And I'm always like, yes, and I want to have the opposite conversation. So.
I want to tell a quick story. So when I was diagnosed with cancer and I tell people that was like a bump in the road for me, but that's not who I am and it's not my whole story. So maybe you haven't had a health diagnosis, but maybe there's something else in your life that has kept you up at night. And it could be your child's behavior, your team's behavior, your team's future failure to launch or something, their mental health, their emotional wellbeing. So I want you to consider this. So I remember coming home one night from the hospital. I was in transition from like, was in a recovery state and I woke up in the middle of the night, two, three o 'clock in the morning. I need to quickly have your panic attacks, your body's like, and I was in the bathroom and I remember feeling like number one, I cannot burden anybody with my feelings. I need to keep this in and I need to keep it quiet. And I went in the bathroom and I was crying because I was having a panic attack.
And the story I was telling myself in my mind is I'm going to die. My body was in a state of fight or flight. And I'm like, I'm going to die. I'm going to die. I'm going to die. At that point, I had enough coaching under my belt and self -awareness that I could get myself out of the state of fear and into the present moment. And I was like, I'm going to die. going to die. I'm going to die. I'm like, Heather, you are still alive. You are still alive. Come back to this present moment.
And then I asked myself this question. How do you want to feel? If you know you don't want to feel chronically overwhelmed, chronically fatigued, angry, frustrated, resentful, exhausted, and for me, dead inside and in a state of fight or flight, how do I want to feel? And in that moment, I didn't technically know how I wanted to feel, but I knew how I didn't want to feel. And I didn't want to feel, I didn't want to feel like I was dying.
So the opposite of that was living. I wanted to feel alive. So I repeated in my mind, I wanna feel alive, I wanna feel alive, I wanna feel alive. And then Dr. Cam, I got scared and fear came over me again because I had no evidence of how to feel alive. And I realized in the moment that I wasn't
It wasn't that I didn't have time to implement. It wasn't that I didn't have the tools. It was that I wasn't giving myself permission to go to that next level in how I wanted to feel and kind of open that door of uncertainty and the unknown. But because of my situation, I had no other way. I was like, Heather, if you do not figure out how to feel alive and energized,
the literally your deepest fear will come true. And it still may come true, but that's the uncertainty of life. So the only way out is through. only way is up. The only way is going after who you wanna be and how you wanna feel. And so the next day I asked myself, how do I wanna feel? How do I wanna feel? How do I wanna feel? And I started taking action in that direction.
What would an alive person do? The reason why this story is so important is because I am the foundation of my children's wellbeing. And I am not responsible for my children's behavior in the sense of like, I cannot control their behavior, but I can influence it. And there is a connectedness.
So I can be the role model and I can be the guide and I can show them what's possible for them and become the type of person that I most desire my child to be, but I cannot do the work for them. And so when my teen was struggling, could see, I could see the fear. I could see the paralyzed uncertainty of like, I need to make a decision on my future. And there's so much unknown cause this is so new to me and I'm afraid. And I could empathize with that because I knew what it looked like and felt like to sit in my fear and yet take action in the direction of what my soul craved. Take action in the direction of how I wanted to feel. So I could see an older version of myself and I'm like, I have a tool and I know how I did that. So I'm gonna be your and guide you in that direction. But you have to choose if you want to take that action or not. And there were many, many times where I had to do that again and again and again, whether it was in the educational system or whether it was with having uncomfortable conversations with my husband or my son or his support team, where I had to say, I feel like I'm backed into a corner. Who do I want to be?
How do I want to feel and how can I take a stand for this child regardless of his future?
Dr. Cam (17:03) Wow, that's a lot. And that's a complete shift because now your focus is on your response and you and what you're doing and not how do I make my child do this? How do I make my child change that? How do I make other people do what I need them to do to feel okay? It's what do I need to do to feel okay?
Heather Chauvin (17:28) Just this conversation makes me think, so I am a, and I'm sure we all know what that's like. If you're raising a fierce, independent, rebellious child, I don't know about you, but as an adult, when people are trying to control me, I feel I'm like so turned off and I actually push that person away. So if I have a new friend in my life, And they're like texting me every day and I'm like, don't have the capacity for this. Like I'll text you. I'm the person that like, you're like 911, I need you. But if it's not a real 911, this is not going to be it. So I know the more I try to control my children, the more they're going to push me away. And so I've learned to read emotional behavior and call myself out too, that if I say I need to fix him, because I still do this, I need to fix him.
I'm like, what is this triggering inside of me? Okay, it's triggering fear. Okay, why am I afraid? Well, if he doesn't change, he's gonna become a drug addict and he's gonna do this and he's gonna live in my basement forever and he's gonna, and I'm like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Come back to the present moment. If I'm trying to control somebody else outside of me, that means there's something inside of me that I feel out of control.
And then so I go inward and I go, first of all, number one, what do I need to control within me? That's my work to do. But I'm also gonna be mindful that this behavior is like a red flag to me and I am concerned. So I'm not gonna avoid it. And this is what I don't appreciate about the parenting space right now is that they've swung where it's like, it's all about you, manage yourself, manage yourself.
And I'm like, yes, and we still need to look at our children's behavior and be like, they are talking to us. So if there is a behavior that is concerning to you, pay attention to it, but control yourself at the same time and then say, hey, let's have a conversation about this. How can I help you? How can I advocate? But come from a different energy and not a controlling energy, but more of a curious energy of a co -creation.
Dr. Cam (19:23) I'm 100 % with the curious. I think that is the most important thing is understanding the why and you're absolutely right. It's not a, okay, they're going to go do their thing. I'm going to go do my thing. there's, we are still responsible for guiding them and for modeling for them. And so when we're, let's say we're talking to parents right now that are listening and they're in that mode of just, they're so overwhelmed right now. They're just like, I don't even know where to begin my teen isn't studying and doing their homework and I've got the school calling me and I have another one that just won't even go to school and I have another one that, and I just, I don't know where to start. Like you're saying that I need to focus on me, but I don't have time because there's too much other stuff that I need to deal with. What is the first thing that I can do right now to start shifting into this place where I'm more focused on taking care of how I'm showing up when I don't feel like I even have the ability to do that right now.
Heather Chauvin (20:53) Okay, so number one, this is my favorite thing to teach people. It's called energetic time management. Pen and paper. So you're gonna have to listen to this again and again, but this is, love giving actionable steps. Number one, brain dump it all. Pen and paper, just let it out. When you're like, I'm frozen, I don't know what to do, I'm so overwhelmed, I have all this energy coming at me just dump it out. Like I like to categorize things. So I'll be like, the school is calling for this kid. I would put kids in buckets and then all the things I had to do. Then ask yourself how, so the brain dump is just to get it out. Every time I tell people this, they're like, I feel lighter already. I'm like, just get it out. Sometimes you don't even need to do anything with it. It's like get it out and your brain dumps might be the same thing over and over and over again.
The second thing is I am a huge fan of this journal prompt and it's, wouldn't it be nice if. So I'm not asking you what's your dreams or desires. I'm asking you what, or I am asking you what your desires are. I'm not asking you what you want. I'm saying magic wand, wouldn't it be nice if, and you can, you can like write down little things like, wouldn't it be nice if I had a glass of water right now? Wouldn't it be nice if the weather wasn't cold?
So some of these things you can control, some you can't control. Just dump it all out. It be small things, big things. This is data. This is breadcrumbs. These are desires that are inside of you. The second thing is once you take that list, figure out the feeling that you're after. So Danielle Laporte taught me forever ago, it's not the thing you're after, it's the feeling. This is like the core of manifestation. Okay, it's...
It's a gray sky outside. Wouldn't it be nice if the sun was out? Why? How do I think I'm going to feel when the sun is out? Wouldn't it be nice if we had a bigger home? Why do I want a bigger home? Because I want to feel more spacious. Wouldn't it be nice if I had more money in the bank? Why do you want more money in the bank? I want to feel safe. like all of this is data as to figuring out how to feel in control of your feelings because
I've seen this is what we usually do is we write down this list, we go after it, check, check, check, check, check. You got the more money in the bank, you got the bigger house and guess what? You're more stressed out, you feel more depleted, you're more angry, frustrated. So when we know how we want to feel, then we can start reverse engineering that. And the feeling is the guiding light. The feeling is the North Star. Then when the school calls,
When the report card comes in, when your child is retreating or reacting, you are coming from a more fulfilled, full place and you can be curious. When your brain is operating in the state of fight or flight or survival mode, you are just trying to get your basic human needs met. And so you have to, have to.
to be quote unquote successful at being present for your children, take care of yourself from a mental, physical, emotional and spiritual perspective. And to me, spiritual perspective is desires. There's bigger beliefs of, know, whatever you believe that's on you. But to me, when I started going, I crave, you know, wouldn't it be nice if and it was like these random things. like, I can't self abandon my needs forever because then I become angry and resentful. Regardless of my body shutting down, I start to project onto my kids. I start yelling, my marriage feels disconnected. So it is really understanding that the most unselfish thing you can do when you are in a state of overwhelm is to take care of everybody else but yourself.
So number one, brain dump. Number two, ask yourself, wouldn't it be nice if, look at that list, ask yourself, what is the feeling that you're really, really after? And then that's where the reverse engineering comes in. And I talk a lot about that on my podcast.
Dr. Cam (25:28) I love that and what a great thing to model to our kids too, right? Because when we start taking care of ourselves and showing up more calmly and showing up more confidently, it changes how our kids show up with us, right? And then we don't have all the stress because we feel connected. And when we let go of the need to control,
That reduces a ton of stress too, because trying to control something you don't have control over is extraordinarily stressful.
Heather Chauvin (26:00) and scary. I actually, call parenting personal growth on steroids. And I feel like zero to teen years is kind of like marathon training. And the teen years are the race where you were like, WTF, what did I get myself into? I'm in the middle of a hurricane. And you, it is, you kind of do feel like you're backed into a corner because It triggers everything you need to look at in order to show up and lead for your kids. Every woman I work with, 99 .9 % of them are raising children. It's a different dynamic than someone who is not responsible for another human being and their wellbeing. It triggers your deepest wounds. It has triggered so much fear inside of me of I'm not enough, I'm gonna mess this up. like, what if I fail to being afraid to use my voice and then having to walk into a school and advocate and use my voice to talk to other adults that I need to figure out how to sell myself and sell this concept to them. Like from a sales perspective, it's helped me so much in business being seen and really really taking deep deep care of myself and showing up to those challenges from this perspective rather than what we're taught culturally is Mind -blowing to me. It is this counterintuitive way because I'm healthier than I've ever been in my entire life. I have I I'm I'm thriving in all areas of my life and challenged as well. But the mindset that I have, I never would have gotten here without being a mother. And that is so opposite of what we're taught culturally that you can't do both. You can't be successful over here and feel successful as a parent. But when you take on the identity as like, this is a leadership role. And when you learn to lead and feel alive, and have more energy, that's the secret. All the books are telling you.
Dr. Cam (28:30) Absolutely. And I feel like because we're out there working and building this, like our other identity and this other focus, that to me is in my daughter. That's what my daughter looks at. And she comes to me and says, Mom, I see what you're doing, which means I know I can do it. And she's learning from me being more than a mom. And then I'm able to put so much more into being a mom because that's not, I'm focused more on just being there and supporting her, not controlling and doing every little aspect of her life, right? Which gives me the freedom, and she's appreciative of that. Like she does, they don't want us doing that. That's not what they need, right? So that frees us up a lot.
Heather Chauvin (29:17) And when you have that honest, connected relationship with your child, they're like, please get a hobby. Please leave the house. Please focus on something else. My son will call me out. And I'm like, well, sometimes I think you're just trying to be a little manipulative, but sometimes you're being honest. And I could never have that conversation with my parents growing up. And I think that's the...
Dr. Cam (29:24) Yes! Yes!
Heather Chauvin (29:42) That's when you know you've healed. That's when you know you've shifted, where your children can give you honest feedback and vice versa. And you can do it in a respectful way.
Dr. Cam (29:51) It doesn't feel threatening to you when you hear that. You're like, okay, good point. I don't feel disrespected. I feel like you're feeling comfortable with me and that changes everything. So Heather, what is one big thing that you want parents to take away from this episode?
Heather Chauvin (30:17) Well, you just said something that was like stuck in my brain is respected. I hear from a lot of parents, I wanna feel respected. And if we want to, we teach people how to treat us. So if we wanna be respected by our children, we need to learn to respect ourselves. We need to learn to respect our bodies, what they're telling us. We need to learn to respect our time.
We need to learn to respect our wisdom. We need to learn to, to really take a stand for the value that we have as humans. Like we are more than just mother. And, you know, the reality is if we look externally, the world would not exist without mothers, right? There would be no, no like population and we call it mother earth for a reason. And so we need to learn to value and respect ourselves more so that we have a bigger voice in society. But our children will show us where we need to grow. And I think if we just adopt that philosophy of like, why is this happening for me, not to me, we show up differently and then we can create that connection and fulfillment. But I also don't believe in hard things. People talk, everything's hard, hard, hard, hard, hard. I think we're addicted to hard.
That's why my podcast is called Emotionally Uncomfortable because I'm like, how about we just, this is easy. The action is easy. It's just emotionally uncomfortable. So if I learn to become more emotionally intelligent and more attuned with my emotions, I can live in alignment with how I want to feel.
Dr. Cam (31:40) it's happening for me rather than to me. It's such a small word shift, but an enormous mindset shift, which completely changes everything. Heather, how do people find you?
Heather Chauvin (32:13) You can head on over to the podcast Emotionally Uncomfortable. My book is called Dying to Be a Good Mother, it's prescriptive memoir. And my website Heather Chauvin, C -H -A -U -V -I -N dot com, lots of free resources there. Always showing people the how to because if you do the work, you'll see results. So yeah, you can check out all the things.
Dr. Cam (32:37) Phenomenal. Thank you so much for Heather. I really enjoyed talking to you.
Heather Chauvin (32:43) Thanks Dr. Cam.
About the Show: The Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Podcast is your go-to resource for navigating the challenges of raising teenagers. Hosted by Dr. Cam Caswell, an adolescent psychologist and certified parenting coach, this podcast offers practical parenting strategies, expert advice, and real-world insights to help you build a stronger relationship with your teen and support their emotional growth. Whether you’re struggling with teenage behavior or looking to improve communication, each episode provides actionable tips to make parenting teens easier and more rewarding. Perfect for both new and seasoned parents, this podcast helps you build the confidence to handle teen challenges and thrive together. #theteentranslator #drcamcaswell #parentingteenswithdrcam | |||
| 14 Sep 2021 | How to communicate effectively with your teen with Jesse Giunta Rafeh | 00:27:17 | |
In this episode, Dr. Cam talks with Jesse Giunta Rafeh, international best-selling author of Life Launch: A Roadmap to an Extraordinary Adulthood. Jesse is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and certified success coach. She opened her private practice 15 years ago at age 26 working primarily young adults. Giunta is also a TEDx speaker. Her book, Life Launch, is a 360-degree guide to transitioning successfully into adulthood. It includes profound yet practical strategies for coping with anxiety and depression, creating an ideal career, and sustaining healthy relationships. Jesse and Dr. Cam about:
FREE STUFF!
Grab my free guide “7 Secrets to Motivating Teens” at www.askdrcam.com/motivateteens If you found this episode valuable, please take a quick moment to comment and share. This helps other parents like you find the show. Thank you!! | |||
| 05 Oct 2021 | The Power of Problem-Solving WITH Your Teen with Trish Wilkinson | 00:29:01 | |
Today I’m talking with parent coach Patricia Wilkinson (@authorpatriciawilkinson) Patricia is a mom of two kids who had "challenges" they now use as strengths in successful relationships and careers. Founder of Brain Stages Parenting, coauthor of Brain Stages: How to Raise Smart, Confident Kids and Have Fun Doing It, veteran teacher, and science nerd, Trish shares kid-tested, research-supported tips to raise successful humans in our complicated world. Patricia and I are talking about how to problem solve WITH your teen to get buy in when an issue needs to be addressed. FREE STUFF!
If you found this episode valuable, please take a quick moment to comment and share. This helps other parents like you find the show. Thank you!! | |||
| 18 Feb 2025 | "Mom, I Want to Die": A Mother's Raw Journey Through Teen Depression | 00:59:55 | |
In this powerful episode, Dr. Cam and Jamie Edelbrock explore the challenges of parenting teens, from managing anxiety and depression to overcoming parental guilt. Jamie shares her personal journey of advocating for her child, building trust, and embracing the power of connection over control. Discover practical strategies for balancing guidance with independence, prioritizing your own well-being, and creating a safe space for your teen to be their authentic self. This is the essential conversation every parent of a teenager needs to hear!
WHAT YOU'LL LEARN IN THIS EPISODE
5 KEY TAKEAWAYS FOR PARENTS OF TEENS
ENJOYING THE SHOW? Don’t keep it to yourself! Share your favorite episode and leave a rating and review to help other parents find the support they need. Your feedback helps me create even more episodes filled with practical tips for you and your family!
RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE
Jamie's Books:
EPISODE CHAPTERS: 00:00 Introduction to Mental Health Advocacy for Parents 02:58 Personal Experiences with Teen Anxiety and Depression 05:59 Navigating Parental Guilt and Finding Support in Parenting 09:04 Building Trust and Effective Communication with Teens 11:51 Why Letting Go Is Crucial for Parenting Teenagers 15:00 Finding Joy and Fulfillment in Parenting Teens 18:02 Balancing Teen Freedom with Parental Responsibility 21:04 The Impact of Worry on Parent-Teen Relationships 24:00 Encouraging Authenticity and Self-Expression in Your Child 26:49 Trusting the Parenting Process and Letting Go of Perfection 30:49 Building Strong, Supportive Relationships with Your Teen 36:44 The Importance of Parental Self-Care for Mental Health 42:41 Empowering Your Teen Through Autonomy and Independence 48:56 The Power of Connection Over Control in Parenting Teens 55:57 Embracing Imperfection in Parenting Teenagers
CONNECT WITH OUR GUEST: Jamie Edelbrock
CONNECT WITH YOUR HOST: Dr. Cam Caswell
FULL TRANSCRIPT
Dr. Cam (00:02.259): Welcome back, parents. Today, I’m excited to speak with an amazing author, mental health advocate, and a dear friend of mine, Jamie Edelbrock. Jamie was my very first podcast guest back in 2019, pre-pandemic. We were both stepping into new chapters of our lives, feeling scared but ready to take the leap. Since then, Jamie, you’ve become a powerhouse advocate for children's mental health. You’ve published three award-winning children's books: Tangled Up, Be the Sparkle, and You and Me, The Adventure of Little Selfie. And on top of that, you’ve been raising your three teen daughters. So, let’s get started. What have you been up to? It’s been forever. Jamie Edelbrock (00:43.342): It’s been a ride. We lived overseas in Indonesia for several years. My kids grew up there, and that’s affected their mental health in ways I’ve learned so much from. I’ve become a strong advocate for mental health, focusing on anxiety, depression, LGBTQ issues, and autism. One of my kids was diagnosed with autism and ADHD, and now I’m working to become an RBT, doing one-on-one work with kids and families in ABA therapy. It’s been an adventure. Dr. Cam (01:50.053): The one thing I love about you, Jamie, is that whenever you face a challenge, you don’t just ask, "How do I survive this?" You think, "How can I become an advocate for this?" You embrace it, learn from it, and then help others. That’s so inspiring. Jamie Edelbrock (02:04.65): Yes. Dr. Cam (02:18.843): It’s amazing. You keep getting new challenges, and you handle them with such grace. How has your advocacy evolved over time? Jamie Edelbrock (02:31.725): Something I wanted to talk about today is a story I haven’t shared much. It’s about my daughter and her struggles with anxiety, depression, and suicide. She gave me permission to talk about it. She went through a very tough time in Indonesia, and as parents, we thought, "Why would they be depressed? Why would they be anxious?" But I’ve learned that anxiety and depression don’t discriminate. It doesn’t matter where you come from or what kind of life you lead—it can affect anyone. Dr. Cam (03:12.809): It’s so true. Jamie Edelbrock (03:37.718): We ended up leaving Jakarta early to get her the help she needed because the right mental health resources weren’t available there. I didn’t get to see my oldest graduate high school, and there were a lot of sacrifices. But the most important thing was getting her the help she needed. Dr. Cam (03:51.806): I’m glad you were able to get her the support she needed. Jamie Edelbrock (04:07.102): When we returned to the States, my daughter’s depression deepened. She ended up in the hospital, and she had to stay away from us for a while to get the help she needed. There’s nothing that prepares you for hearing your child say, "I want to die," or having them say, "She has to stay here and you can’t come get her." That experience was incredibly difficult, but it’s something every parent should know about—how to cope with that as a family. Dr. Cam (04:45.343): That’s so hard to imagine. Jamie Edelbrock (05:01.482): And it’s something I want to talk about because, as we’ve seen, anxiety and depression don’t discriminate. There’s no way to predict it. No matter how great your child’s life is, it can still happen. We’ve also dealt with suicide loss. My oldest lost a friend to suicide in 2020, and she ended up saving her best friend’s life from suicide in 2024. These experiences, though tragic, have deeply impacted us, but they’ve also shown me how crucial mental health advocacy is. Nothing prepares you for the weight of it when it’s your own child. Dr. Cam (05:44.549) You spend your life advocating for mental health, focused on your children's mental health, yet you're not able to escape it. Parents feel guilty, shameful, like they're failing. But you're evidence that no matter what you do, We can't always avoid it. So what did you go through processing it as a mom? Jamie Edelbrock (06:22.614) Automatically I thought, I'm doing something wrong. I know all the tips, tools, tricks. She has a good life. We have this set up for her to succeed. I'm doing something wrong. Then I started going back, mom guilt. Maybe I shouldn't have yelled, or done this. That's not the case. I think the first thing besides getting her immediate professional help was getting myself help and professional help and realizing that it's not my fault. I've learned that through therapy. It can be environmental, but it's usually brain chemicals. It runs in our family. While thinking, "what did I do wrong?" I talked to my aunt and learned it runs deep. That was an important key. It's not my fault. Getting her help says you're doing something right. We halted our world, got her what she needed, and got the help I needed. Then I started researching, knowing it's literally her brain chemicals. It's literally how her body and brain are working and something isn't right there. So realizing it's not our fault. We made changes in our lifestyle to help her and us. Dr. Cam (08:42.815) My heart goes out to you. Parents start parenting from fear. They want to prevent their child from going through something, or they don't want anything to happen on their watch. They become hyper-vigilant, constantly asking, "are you okay?" Kids say, "I'd be fine if my parents would just leave me alone." Parents can't let go, building a wall and distrust. Kids don't feel like they can be their authentic selves. How do we manage that fear and the sense that something's wrong without kids opening up? Jamie Edelbrock (10:01.154) We've definitely gone through that. I worry, I'm a fixer. I wanted to protect her, but she made it clear that's not helpful. I need to trust her. As hard as it is, trusting your kids after an event like this, they want to live their happy life. Learning to trust her and that she will tell me if something happens was helpful. Putting other adults in their life is huge because sometimes they don't want to talk to us. She'd say, "I don't like seeing you cry. I don't like hurting you." I had to work on that, get a therapist. Putting other adults in her life was huge. She has a therapist, psychiatrist, trusted adults, friends, and the suicide hotline. I cling to the fact that during her darkest times, she did tell me. And so I cling to that. Anytime she's ever been in trouble, she has come to me. Releasing that and trusting them, knowing it'll come back to you, is healthier. You're opening up that road for them to come. If you cling, you're putting a roadblock up. I've learned to trust they'll tell me. Dr. Cam (12:56.831) Parents struggle most with letting go and trust. They fear, "if I do and something happens, I'm never going to forgive myself." We focus on what we need to feel okay, disregarding what our kids need. How do we live with that fear and discomfort to give our kids what they need to heal? Jamie Edelbrock (13:39.242) I have a phrase: "It's not about me." That's hard because it feels like it is. When they're going through anything, I automatically think, "how is this gonna look? This hurts me. What is this gonna say about us, about our family, about me as a parent?" Especially as an advocate. Having kids do something my old community wouldn't agree with, "what are people gonna say?" I have to freeze and say, "it's not about me." My focus is my children, making sure they are their truest, best, and healthiest selves. It's putting your ego aside and asking, "how can I help you thrive?" That's our job. That saying helps Dr. Cam (15:17.533) It's true and hard to let go. When it's our kids, they are not an extension of us. We often parent as if they are representing us. We are responsible for who they become. We are responsible for being the parent they need to become who they are. It's difficult to see we're not molding them. We are supporting and influencing them and their choices, but we are not controlling that. When they're going down dark paths, it's our job to be there, not to stop them. That is a very difficult thing for parents to hold on to. It's like, yes, it's my job to stop them. Jamie Edelbrock (16:17.302) It's not safe or it's not what I would do or it's not what society would do. You have to think, are they not making a good choice for you or for them? I always say to myself and my kids, I'll let them make their choices. I sit back and I've learned to do that. Do it. If it fails or if you need help, I'm here. Everything in this life is figureoutable. If you try this and it fails, come to me and I will help you figure it out. If you don't come to me, that's okay because I know you can figure it out too. It could be the worst thing, it can be figured out. We will get through this. If I'm lucky enough, I get to help you. Just letting them know, I'm here. I will help you get through this if you want me to. Another phrase I say is, do you want me to help you or do you just need a hug? Instead of automatically thinking I have to help you? I used to be such a fixer. That caused a lot more attention. You think if you fix something, you step in, I'm going to do it. It's insulting. You're doing them a disservice because they can't do it themselves. It's saying you don't trust them. Just even by saying, "what are you going to do?" and "do you want my help?" or "how can I help you?" A lot of times it's "I can do it" or "I'll let you know." We have three teenagers. One's getting ready to move out. That's also, how can I help? I don't want to overstep. I want to wrap you in my arms and make sure you, bubble wrap. I always joke with them. But that's not true. Our job as parents is to let them fly. If you stick with, "I'm here for you and we're gonna figure it out," they will come back if they need help. Dr. Cam (19:09.971) Parents get hurt or offended when their kids don't take their advice or won't listen. For me, I'm excited because that shows my teen feels confident to try to figure it out and not lean on me. There's nothing offensive about that. I'm like, yay, you. You got this. Jamie Edelbrock (19:36.138) You did it. Dr. Cam (19:39.781) It's another thing of it's not about me. It's about what does she need? You have to set aside your ego. I have found my daughters typically more right than I am. She has a way better memory and knows herself better than I know her. There's no way for me to know her better because I'm not in her head. Jamie Edelbrock (20:10.502) My kids will always say, "you don't know what's in my head." Or "I got this." Or the best thing I can hear is, "I already did that." You're just like, "okay." They will say, "you don't need to worry." I traveled to Jordan years ago. I was on the top of Petra with a Bedouin shepherd. I was worried. I was asking him worry questions. Instead of enjoying the view, I was faced with worry. I was ruining the moment. The Bedouin Shepherd looked at me, And he said, "why you worry lady?" He said, "I would not have a job if people died." It brings you right back. Focus on reality. Dr. Cam (21:57.161) When we spend so much of our children's teen childhood worrying, we miss the beauty and joy of what that period is about. We miss it completely and we ruin it for our kids. Our kids don't get to experience the joy of being a teen. I see so many kids that are hopeless, powerless, self harm, drowning themselves in their phone, miserable, trying to escape. In the real world it is fear, pressure, misery. They're not enjoying anything. The things they do enjoy constantly get taken away. Jamie Edelbrock (23:01.218) With each of my kids, they're all so different and their interests are so different. It's so easy to say no. But finding that joy of them being teens and not being stuck on their phone is saying yes to what they want to do, even if it isn't what you pictured for their life. My husband and I were talking about this yesterday because something our youngest wants to do, and he just said, "it's not about me." Letting them be their authentic self is key for building your relationship with them, for them trusting you. Then you get to learn something new too. I had no idea that even existed. Dr. Cam (24:33.139) Aren't we raising entitled kids if we're always indulging them in what they want to do? Does that mean we just sit back and indulge them and let them do whatever they want? Aren't they gonna become entitled, disrespectful kids? Where's that line drawn where we're still raising kids that are respectful, grateful, polite, and kind? Jamie Edelbrock (25:23.16) That comes from connection with your kids. If you take that connection away by not allowing them to do what they want, I'm not saying dangerous stuff, but their hobbies, their special interests, they'll trust you, which builds a connection. How would I want to be treated? Growing up I didn't have money to do stuff that I wanted to. If someone was giving me everything I wanted to do for my special interests, I think that would have set me on a road to success. If you have the means and the ability, do it. Even if you don't have the money, every single thing is figureoutable. There are ways to help your kids in these special interests. What matters is that you are believing them. "I believe you want to do that. I believe you're good at that. You're gonna become great at that. I wanna see where this takes you." If it is a flop, now we know. Dr. Cam (27:17.887) We focus so much on preparing them for the future. My focus has always been how do I make this stage of her life amazing? I want her to look back at her teen years and go, "those were freaking amazing." And I loved my relationship with my mom and I loved what we did and I worked really hard in these areas. And you know what? I did fail in these areas, but I learned from that and I've grown from that. And I know now based on my conversations with my daughters, like daughter, every, she does, like she's sad about moving onto the next phase, even though she's excited about it because she loves this phase. And every phase has been a phase that we've loved because we have made it something special. it's not been indulging in everything that I've said no to stuff that we can't do. But man, if I can say yes, 100%, I am saying yes. And those are the best moments we've had. Jamie Edelbrock (28:28.332) Well, yeah, and absolutely. And I think if we say no to everything just out of control or out of anxiety or because it's not what we want for them, you are building that wall. And if you say no every single time, they're not gonna trust you. If you say yes and let's try it, then when you do have to say no, they realize it is serious. So it's like, pick your battle. Like, say no to the things that really matter. And I've had to say that, I've had to say no. And my daughter has said, okay, I trust you. Because we say yes to so much and let's try it, let's do it. When I say no, she'll ask why and I let them ask why, I let them push back, I let them, because maybe it could turn into a yes. need to, what don't I know about this? But saying yes as often as you can, I think makes the nos that much more important. You know, like, this is a serious thing, you cannot do that. Or this is why I don't want you to do that. So yeah. Dr. Cam (29:25.108) Exactly. I had a mom tell me, who has an older child, that she looks back and wishes so much that she had not fought about all the stupid stuff they had fought about because now her daughter doesn't trust her on some of the bigger stuff. And she goes, none of that mattered. None of it mattered at all. And I was so focused on being right and controlling it and making sure she didn't do any of these little things. And I regret all of it because it just was stupid. And now when it's really matters and it's really important, she's digging herself out of a hole because her daughter doesn't trust her for the big stuff. I'm like, that is so incredibly true. And the big stuff, going back to mental health, is when your child is struggling with Jamie Edelbrock (30:27.18) Yep, it is, it really is. Dr. Cam (30:38.051) series mental health issues, which again, we've just said it's not on us. It's not about us. It's about them. But when they know we're going to figure it out and we're not going to lose it and we're not going to make it about us, then they trust us. Jamie Edelbrock (30:43.146) Right, right. That's the biggest thing my daughter was not making it about me. And it is about her. And she even said at one point in the middle of all of this, I don't want you to think this is your fault. and I think, yeah, having them being able to come to us with those big things, I think we think in the moment we're doing something wrong, but because they came to you, you're actually doing something right. And the way to get to that rightness is to cultivate that relationship with them now when things are good. And it's by saying yes, it's letting the little things go. I've been saying all these phrases I use, but it's true. Another one is I don't want to fight you. and the argument stops or I'm going to go to my room until we're both calmed down. I'm not going to put you in time out or till you're grounded or take away your phone. I'm going to calm down. And once I've calmed down, we can talk about this because I know this is important to you. Those little things matter for the big stuff. You're really you're giving yourself and your child a gift by doing those things when things are right. for when things go wrong. Like you can open that gift up when the things go wrong. Dr. Cam (32:16.253) Yeah, I love that, the gift. That's beautiful. And it is something that they have to turn on too, because the one thing that also is very foundational when kids are struggling is to know without a doubt that they have a support system there and that they have somebody else that believes in them, because it's very hard to believe in themselves. And if they don't have anyone else, particularly their parents, that believe in them, How are they going learn to believe in themselves? But when they know, and I think there's the difference between feeling pressure saying, okay, I'm responsible for my parents' emotions because if I'm doing something and I'm responsible for how they feel, that's a lot of pressure on me and I can't handle the pressure because now I'm responsible, but I'm not, they're not responsible for how we feel. They're not responsible for making us happy. They are not responsible for making us feel valued. That is not their job, right? Our job is to do that. Jamie Edelbrock (33:17.102) Right, right. It's easy to fall into that trap when you're a parent though, to think that. Dr. Cam (33:25.081) It is. It is so easy to do that and then to get really resentful to them for not making us feel okay. And that is not correct. You made me feel disrespected. You made me feel this. And that is a very unfair thing because we're making them feel that as well in the same respect, but we don't like them saying that. Jamie Edelbrock (33:30.744) Like, you're in trouble because you hurt me. You made me mad, so you're in trouble. Mm. Yeah. Yeah. Dr. Cam (33:54.535) So there's a lot of kind of irony or, know, there's a little confusion going on there. They're like, well, you made me mad, but I'm not allowed to be mad. Now I'm mad at you and now I'm in trouble for making you mad. I'm confused. Jamie Edelbrock (34:05.419) It's so true. And again, that goes back to how do you want to be treated? If I was in this conversation or on the other end of the conversation, how would I want to be spoken to? How would I want to feel? And as soon as you realize that, like, I would hate it, or I hated it when my parents talked to me like this, why would I think that's okay for my kid? When we were in this mental health facility with my daughter, she would go through counseling sessions and therapy sessions and then they would once in a while pull me into the therapy session. And the first thing the therapist said to me, she looked me dead in the eyes and said, but what are you doing for you? Like you're doing all of this. And you know, my daughter is seeing. doesn't like to see me cry, doesn't like to see me upset. Like you said, automatically that puts the pressure on them. Like I need to hold this together because I don't want my mom to be upset. And she said, how are you controlling your emotions around her? Like what's helping you? And I didn't have an answer. One, because life was chaotic in the moment, but it was very much like... Jamie Edelbrock (35:23.872) You're right, your daughter does need to see a therapist and a psychiatrist. What are you doing? Like, it's like she flipped it right on me. Not because it's my fault, but because when I'm okay, that's gonna help our relationship. And I think that comes down to that then you learn what they're doing is not about me. What they're doing, they're not trying to hurt us. They're not trying to, it's like... You all of sudden, well, I all of a sudden saw us as two completely separate individuals versus, we are, we absolutely like, like you said, not an extension of us. like, okay, I am living with an almost adult. let's figure this out. And so that's why I think it's so important. And I think the most advice I think I would give to any parents out there was seek help for yourself. Dr. Cam (35:55.071) but you are. Jamie Edelbrock (36:17.58) That is so important. When it comes to your kids, yeah, it's not about you. It's not at the same time, you are about you. Right? Yes. So you need to get the help. You need to get like focus on you. It's for you. Because then everything trickles down. Dr. Cam (36:39.039) For you. Exactly. 100 % for you. Jamie Edelbrock (36:44.064) And everything kind of falls into place. When you're focused on yourself, when you're focused on helping yourself and self-help and getting in your right zone, and that could mean a lot of different things. I've had to, there's, you know, people have had to like let go of, there's, you know, there's situations or things I've had to be like, okay, no, I'm moving on. I'm bettering myself. But when things are right with you, things will trickle down and be right with your family and your kids as well. Dr. Cam (37:11.327) I hear parents go, well, I don't have time because I'm doing all this stuff for my kids and I'm doing all this stuff for my family and I don't have time for me. And I think if you are doing all this stuff for your family, right there's the problem because that's not your job to do all that stuff for your family. Support them, but let them do for themselves because that helps them more than you doing for them. Jamie Edelbrock (37:25.292) Right. Yeah. Dr. Cam (37:36.521) So if you're, if you're doing all this and a lot of times we're resentful towards them and they're in great, they're not grateful for all we're doing and I'm giving everything of mine, they don't want it. So they're not grateful because they don't want it. And you're making them feel bad for giving them stuff they don't even want. So step back. They want freedom. They want their own ownership. They want that. Not for you to not care, but for you to care for yourself. Jamie Edelbrock (37:46.36) It's true. It's true. Dr. Cam (38:03.175) and take time because they're watching. How do I value me while I'm watching how mom values her and takes care of her? And then you don't feel all this anger and resentment towards them, which takes away a lot of the stress. yeah. Jamie Edelbrock (38:16.16) It does. Like I said, it becomes a roadblock. When you have control you have, I just picture it like two fists coming on a road like, nope, in order to get by, it's going to be a fight. But as soon as you let go, it just opens a path for peace and communication and a better relationship. Yep. Yep. Dr. Cam (38:31.133) And they enjoy being around you and they trust being around you and they want to be around you when you're when you are someone that you want to be around yourself. Right. And not controlling all of this other stuff. So to me, if you're feeling any resentment or stress or any of that, that is not your kid's fault. That is on you to let go. And how empowering is that? Because now we don't need them to change for us to be OK. Jamie Edelbrock (38:40.425) Absolutely. Absolutely. You know, I saw this firsthand the other day. I used to be like, hey, if the house is a mess, why aren't you helping? why? Like, don't you see the dishes? Don't you see the laundry? Don't you see the trash? And they don't, to be honest. Like, it doesn't matter to them. They don't care. So, but it matters to me. So I had to learn to like, okay, I can go to bed with dirty dishes in the sink. I can let the laundry sit on the couch. I'm tired. I'm going to bed or, you know, prioritize. And, Dr. Cam (39:15.955) They don't, and they don't care! No! Jamie Edelbrock (39:31.242) They know how to a sink or a dish. They know how to get their clothes if they need to. But I was out with my two other kids, but the other one wanted to stay home. And she was home, and I came home, we left the house with, it was a mess. Came home, and she was sitting on the couch with this smile on her face, like. I'm like, what? What's happening? What's going on? And she just kept smiling until I looked up at the kitchen and saw that it was completely clean and she had made homemade cookies. And I, at that moment was like, I hugged her, I like, this is so amazing. Thank you so much. Like, thank you, thank you, thank you. But that was done without asking. That was done without nagging. That was done, like I would get to it, absolutely. And if I asked for help, they would help. But... The fact that that was done on their own just because they wanted to do something nice, that was like, okay, they, yes, yes, yes, yes. They don't care, yeah. Dr. Cam (40:29.703) and they know your love language is a clean house. They don't care, but yeah, I love that. I think it's focusing too on what their strengths are as well because like my daughter will leave stuff around and she knows it drives me nuts and everyone's gonna be like, you know, it drives me nuts. Can you clean that up for me? I know it's not for you, but can you clean? But then she'll do her stuff. Like when I was sick, she's like, I'm gonna run across the street and she came back and she had. Cough drops and a tease and like all this stuff and she's like I'm gonna take care of you because that's her love language like she loves Cleaning up not her thing taking care of her thing. I'm like, okay So I'm not gonna get mad that there's some dishes that don't haven't been clean the way I want them to be clean Cuz that's not me. But man how cool of that, but she just Jamie Edelbrock (41:00.707) It is and that's it's important to focus on what they're doing right. Focus on their strengths. Focus on and bend into that. Lean into that because that's where you're going to see them shine. That's where you're going to like it'll help you stop nagging the little things that are bothering you when you focus on like wow you're really good at that. Like you're really good for caring for others and for me and that's their strength. I have found that not nagging about chores and homework and all of that stuff. When I do say, can you help? Like, can you bring in the garbage? They do it like that. It's not even an issue. But if I were to nag them, exactly, exactly. That was a hard, like if they say, no, I don't want to right now. Or, you know, my one teen is like, I just got off work. My back hurts. I'm like, okay. Dr. Cam (42:00.115) Yeah. No. And they're allowed to say no too. Jamie Edelbrock (42:15.662) Like I understand because in that situation, I would probably say the same thing. I don't want to do it. It's not good for me right now. And I think that's a powerful lesson when your kids say no, like letting them say no, because when they get out in the real world, they need to have that, what is it, that tool in their toolbox to be able to say no and mean it. And people need to respect that. Dr. Cam (42:41.801) I think a lot of parents fear that if they do that, that's all their kids will ever do, is no, no, no, no, no, no. And I have found that they will try it once and of course their kid is gonna say no. And then they get mad and I'm like, well, they weren't allowed to say no then. And when you do it for a while and you set that precedent and they know that they can say no, that's when things shift. But that doesn't change overnight. It does not change overnight. And then if they... If their answer is not what we want their answer to be, then we get upset too. And I'm like, that's not the point either. Point is not for them to now suddenly do what we want them to do on their own. That's not the point. The point is to respect what they're doing. And it's once we respect that, they start respecting us a lot more and they do jump in when it's on their terms and it makes them feel good. Whole different ball game. And it's amazing how much they like love to help. Jamie Edelbrock (43:21.166) It doesn't feel natural when you first do it, especially, you know, the way I was raised and how I started raising them as kids. Like, don't you say no to your mom. Like, how dare you? Like, I told you to do something. Like, that is, you need to respect me. But then you think, I have never respected anybody that demanded respect. You know, I haven't. And if someone wouldn't listen to, yeah, if someone didn't listen to how I was feeling or really cared, they're blocked. That wall is up, or I don't trust them. And if I have to work with them or be with them, that's not gonna be a good relationship. And so the same goes, and especially for our kids. Dr. Cam (44:01.663) No. It's on how respect is made. Jamie Edelbrock (44:27.278) Like that's where it goes back to treat them how you want to be treated. And if you want them to respect you, you need to respect them. And that isn't by demanding. That's not by dictatorship. That's not, I mean, that's one thing I say all the time is parenting is not a dictatorship. It's a relationship. And when you have that relationship, then the connection is there. And that's when, that's what matters. Dr. Cam (44:34.516) I think parents really, really struggle with that because it feels like you're giving up authority. It feels like you are letting them rule the world and you are letting them have their way. And I think what's really important is when we have that thought process and that mindset, we are seeing and viewing our kids not as human beings, individual human beings. We are seeing them as our subjects, our things to control. And that right there is what causes so much friction and disrespect. We are not saying, yes, we are adults. Yes, it is our home. Yes, it is things that we want to influence them and teach them. But it's not done through demand and yelling and control because that's not how humans work. And kids are human beings. And I think that's where we're separate. We're not seeing kids. As humans, we're expecting things and we're expecting them to respond to things that humans do not respond to. And we need to let go of this view that just because we raise them, that they should be a different way towards us despite our own behavior. That is not how humans work. Jamie Edelbrock (45:55.576) No, and I never understood, you know, my parents, it was very controlling, like, parent-child relationship. But then eventually we leave and that control, their control is gone. And then what? Like you kind of left floundering or I don't know what to do or we're always expecting someone to be in control of us or tell us what to do. So you either are underdeveloped in that area or you go off the deep end and because you're free finally. And so I think, I can't remember the exact wording you just used, but yes, they should be in control of their lives. They should be in control of their, know, kids should be what's going on in their brains, in their minds. I think you said something about parents being worried, like, my gosh, they're gonna be the center of the universe or whatever. They should be in their lives. We are, like, and that's how they learn their independence, their self-respect, that's how they know the feelings and emotions in their body. That's how they can tell when something's off. That's how they learn. And it's our job to be there to help them figure out their authentic best self and what's going on with them. And by trying to control them, we are just hindering that. The control doesn't last forever, so it shouldn't even be there at all. But if you're a parent that is so concerned about controlling your child and their actions and making sure they don't mess up and they're doing things the right way, you're actually hindering them. You're stunting their authenticity and their growth at being an adult. Because eventually your control will stop when they move out of the house. Dr. Cam (47:50.793) Right. And what you can do and what is your most powerful thing as the parent, which is through connection, is influence. And when you're controlling, you have minimal influence, which is what makes long lasting change and really helps them learn how to make good decisions and trust you to talk through decisions. And that's what we want to teach them. So as parents, yeah, we have lots of influence. Yes, we do want to set up some rules and regulations to keep them safe with them, understanding them, because we're teaching them. We're teaching as parents, we're not controlling. And I think that's a really difficult, difficult thing for parents to embrace. It feels completely wrong and uncomfortable and no, I'm supposed to be the master of everything and then wonder why their kids don't trust them or won't talk to them. And that's why. Jamie Edelbrock (48:56.962) Yeah, it is. Dr. Cam (48:57.087) So you can do it. That is definitely a choice, but you can't have both. Jamie Edelbrock (49:02.99) No, and you need to decide, think. I remember the turning point in my parenting where I was like, this isn't working. What I'm doing is not working. I don't like the way the kids are feeling. I don't like the way I'm feeling. Something's not working. And so, it felt at the time like I was giving up, but what was happening was relationships were finally starting to build. letting them be themselves and just letting go of that control and that power and really respecting what they want to do even if it's like what's what do you want for dinner what movie do you want to watch what do you want to do today you just want to rest it's like but I had all these things planned for us okay we'll have a rest day you know like yeah that that letting go I think is essential if you want a good relationship with your kids and especially when they leave the house. Dr. Cam (50:05.075) Yeah, and I think going back to even what you were saying with mental health where, you know, no matter what you did, it wasn't going to change the fact that your daughter was suffering from depression. It just, that was, it was what it was. And I think we often think and imagine our kids as like these wild beasts that if we don't control and contain them, they are going to wreak havoc on the world and they're going to be nasty, wild, ugly people. And what I have found is The kids that are nasty, ugly, wild people are the ones railing against feeling controlled. And the kids that are not are the ones that don't feel a need to rail against control and are given that spot. And you know what? There are going to be kids that are going to make some terrible, bad, awful mistakes, no matter what we do. Jamie Edelbrock (50:58.22) Right, they're something, yep. They make their own choices, yep, yep. Dr. Cam (51:00.231) We can control it and they're going to fight our control. And there's going to be kids that no matter what we do aren't. We got to look at who our kid is and how to best support them. But we have to start, we have to understand who they are individually first and figure out what works best for them. But immediately going, got a controller. It's going to get out of control. It's not, not a great place to start. And that gets us into trouble. Jamie Edelbrock (51:25.45) No. Yeah, and I think that's why it's important if you do have a kid that is like that and you're like, what is happening? Is to seek, make sure they're safe and seek professional help if they want it, because they're also at this age where I don't want to go to therapy, I don't want to go. You can't force them, but to get help for yourself. Get tools in your toolbox and make sure that you are mentally healthy and that you have someone you can talk to. because it is uncomfortable when you don't know what to do with your child and you've done everything right. But I think the most important thing, like having that connection, like you said. So if or when that does happen, they know you're a safe person no matter what. Like they know that your love is unconditional, truly unconditional. Not if you check these boxes, not if you look this way. or if you get your act together, then you can come home. It is a truly, I am here and I will listen and I will help you figure this out. That's why the connection is important. So they can come to you when they're Dr. Cam (52:31.859) Yeah, they need to trust. They need to have that. They need to believe. And so if kids are being distrustful or disrespectful, we need to go, why do they feel the need to act that way? What's going on? What's going on? Jamie Edelbrock (52:47.597) Yes, find the why behind it. That is huge too. Okay, you made this bad choice or this poor decision. You learned your lesson, but let's find the why. That's been huge in our family. Why is this happening? do you need to fill in your life or what's missing or what? And just being able to have that conversation is huge. okay, let's talk about the why. Dr. Cam (53:14.781) Yeah. I have just found if in doubt, matter what, nothing goes well when I start in a place of criticism and being mean and being mad and all of that. When I approach anything that way, it never goes well and it doesn't help. When I approach things from kindness and from curiosity and from giving her the benefit of the doubt, we always end up somewhere way better than where we even started from. Jamie Edelbrock (53:15.244) Let's figure this out. Dr. Cam (53:44.251) And that to me is just key. There's no reason to be unkind. There's just no reason. Jamie Edelbrock (53:44.27) 100%. Jamie Edelbrock (53:49.942) I love that so much. It's so true. It's so true. And that goes back to how do I want to be treated? Something my sister said that was so great that I've held close to my heart is she said our relationship isn't fragile. And I think about that with our kids. They can, know, bad things can happen. They can make wrong choices. They are who they are. But my love for them is not fragile. They can throw what they want at me, but I will stand there because not literally. No, no, but you know what I mean. Like the words or whatever happens. Dr. Cam (54:23.699) Not literally, they can't throw knives and stuff. not literally. I just know people get real stuff and that's not a joke. People get real stuff thrown up. We got to step back, right? Yeah. But again. Jamie Edelbrock (54:34.849) That is not a joke. Yes, that is not a joke. Absolutely. you, our, happens, my love for you is not fragile. Our relationship is not fragile. It will be fragile though, if you hold on too tight. That breaks easy. Dr. Cam (54:41.715) Yeah, I love that because there's no nobody in our family is walking on eggshells because we're just stomping on them because we know that we're going to get through it. Yeah. Jamie Edelbrock (54:55.863) Absolutely. And I think that's the best relationship to have with your kids. Like, give it to me. Tell me. Like, let's work it out. And call me out. yes, yes, yes. Yeah. Dr. Cam (55:15.079) And I can call, we can call each other out. We call each other out, not disrespectfully, sometimes jokingly, but we call each other out. Absolutely. Jamie Edelbrock (55:24.084) Right, of course, and I think that's important. That's so important. And I learned so much. I'm like, I had no idea. Like, or I didn't know that that was a thing. Or like, I'm so sorry I hurt your feelings. I didn't think that would hurt your feelings, and I'm sorry. Dr. Cam (55:36.031) Yeah. I feel a lot of times people think that that's being a weak parent, but I see it as being a very strong parent because we're able to parent despite, and I'm not saying I don't have an ego. I do. It's being able to parent despite that. It's being able to put that aside. And that's not an easy thing to do at all. Jamie Edelbrock (55:49.154) No, it's not. And those voices, I mean, there are critics and there are people, people are going to parent how they want to parent. They have those voices and those are things that, okay, this is working for me and my family. And it's so important to turn those voices off sometimes. Like, hey, I am not getting, like, I'm not growing from you saying that. I'm like. That actually hinders my growth from these things or like the things I'm reading or whatever it is and like protecting your mental health in those ways too I think is huge. Dr. Cam (56:32.979) Yeah, parenting is not a report card. I'm not trying to parent to get all A's based on somebody else's qualifications. That is not my job. Whatever other people think, they think. That is fair for them to think. I need to let that go because what matters to me is what my daughter thinks and what my daughter is feeling. That to me is the only, if I have a report card, that's the only one that's allowed to fill it out. Nobody else.
Jamie Edelbrock (56:56.622) Yep, absolutely. Yep. Dr. Cam (57:01.119) I'm to get a go check. think I'm getting pretty good grades right now, but we'll see. There's times where I will bomb a test. So man, I will bomb a test. No doubt about it. Jamie Edelbrock (57:07.498) Yes, so true. And it's the repair after you bomb the test going back and like, okay, sorry, how can I have a retake? Yes, I need to redo this. I think that is huge. Like I messed up. I know I did. This is what I'm gonna do better. Let's redo it. And that's huge for building trust too. Dr. Cam (57:14.537) Can I have a retake? I go get a retake. Yep, I go get a retake. Yep. I'd start this again. Yeah, it is. And then she does it with me as well. Yep. Jamie, we could talk probably for about 10 more days nonstop without even taking a breath. Jamie Edelbrock (57:31.49) Yeah, yes, because you're modeling it. Yep, same. I know it's been so good to talk with you and just revisit our friendship. love this. Dr. Cam (57:47.951) I know we will do it. We'll do it offline as well. So Jamie tell people how they can find you. Jamie Edelbrock (57:54.478) Sure, yeah, you can go to jamieettelbrock.com that has links to my books and links to my social media. I'm on Instagram, it's Tangled That Book. And there you'll see, that's where I'm probably the most active. Every once in a while I'll do a blog post if my heart feels like it. But yeah, I think Instagram is probably the best way to get a hold of me, Tangled That Book. Dr. Cam (58:16.755) Yeah, I love your content. It's beautiful. One thing that you want people to what we've talked to cover so much, what is one thing you would like people to walk away with from this? Jamie Edelbrock (58:30.446) I really think it is help yourself so you can help your kids. I think that's the main thing because kids are going to struggle. You are going to have that. If your kids aren't struggling then they're hiding something from you. And so it is very important to have a strong foundation and having your mental health. and emotions in check. So when that time comes, you can help them exactly how they need to be helped. Dr. Cam (59:01.285) I love that our job is not to prevent them from struggling. Our job is to be able to make sure we're strong enough to help them and support them.
About the Show: The Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Podcast is your go-to resource for navigating the challenges of raising teenagers. Hosted by Dr. Cam Caswell, an adolescent psychologist and certified parenting coach, this podcast offers practical parenting strategies, expert advice, and real-world insights to help you build a stronger relationship with your teen and support their emotional growth. Whether you’re struggling with teenage behavior or looking to improve communication, each episode provides actionable tips to make parenting teens easier and more rewarding. Perfect for both new and seasoned parents, this podcast helps you build the confidence to handle teen challenges and thrive together. #theteentranslator #drcamcaswell #parentingteenswithdrcam #MentalHealthMatters #TeenAnxietySupport
| |||
| 28 Dec 2020 | Teaching teens perseverance | 00:16:02 | |
Distance learning is really challenging for our kids (and us)! How do we help them succeed when they don't even want to log on? Dr. Cam has some tips for teaching our teens how to persevere when times are tough and the future unclear.
Connect with Dr. Cam www.askdrcam.com | Facebook | Instagram | LinkedIn | Twitter | YouTube | iTunes If you found this episode helpful, please LIKE, FOLLOW, REVIEW & SHARE. Thanks :) | |||
| 13 Dec 2020 | Modeling Good (and Not So Good) Behavior | 00:03:55 | |
Teens don't listen to what we SAY, they watch what we DO. If your teen is behaving in a way that drives you nuts, you may want to take a close look at your own actions--chances are they are learning those behaviors from you! Dr. Cam shares an example from a recent experience with her own teen daughter. | |||
| 14 Nov 2021 | Finding strength in our vulnerability with Fatima Oliver | 00:26:23 | |
If you fear appearing weak and vulnerable in front of people—especially your kids—this episode is for you. Today I’m talking with Fatima Oliver (@fatima.oliver.79656), wife, mother, and author of the newly released book "The Prescription is in the Dirt" As a Transformational Coach & Speaker, Fatima’s mission is to help people heal from childhood trauma, heartbreak, abuse, and horrible decision-making using her "Baby Step" approach. Today, Fatima is going to share with us the power of vulnerability and how it can make us stronger parents. FREE STUFF!
If you found this episode valuable, please take a quick moment to comment and share. This helps other parents like you find the show. Thank you!! | |||
| 17 Apr 2024 | How to Spot Teen Suicide Risk: Key Signs Every Parent Should Know | 00:35:33 | |
In this crucial episode, Dr. Jessica Rabon, a licensed clinical psychologist specializing in pediatric psychology, joins Dr. Cam to discuss an incredibly important topic: spotting teen suicide risk. With suicide being the leading cause of death for youth ages 10-24 in the U.S., this episode will help parents recognize warning signs, have open conversations with their teens, and understand how to provide critical support. If you're a parent worried about your teen's mental health, this episode is a must-listen.
WHAT YOU'LL LEARN IN THIS EPISODE
5 KEY TAKEAWAYS FOR PARENTS OF TEENS
🎧❤️ ENJOYING THE SHOW? Don’t keep it to yourself! Share your favorite episode and leave a rating and review to help other parents find the support they need. Your feedback helps me create even more episodes filled with practical tips for you and your family! Thanks so much for your support! 🙏💫 🔔 Remember to hit SUBSCRIBE so you never miss another solution-packed episode! 🙌
RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE
CONNECT WITH OUR GUEST: Dr. Jessica Rabon
CONNECT WITH YOUR HOST: Dr. Cam Caswell
ABOUT THE SHOW The Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Podcast is your go-to resource for navigating the challenges of raising teenagers. Hosted by Dr. Cam Caswell, an adolescent psychologist and certified parenting coach, this podcast offers practical parenting strategies, expert advice, and real-world insights to help you build a stronger relationship with your teen and support their emotional growth. Whether you’re struggling with teenage behavior or looking to improve communication, each episode provides actionable tips to make parenting teens easier and more rewarding. Perfect for both new and seasoned parents, this podcast helps you build the confidence to handle teen challenges and thrive together. #theteentranslator #drcamcaswell #parentingteenswithdrcam | |||
| 29 May 2022 | How to help teens take accountability with Jeff Otis | 00:20:09 | |
In this episode, I’m joined by Jeff Otis, the founder of the personal leadership platform, Project OTY. Jeff is going to clue us in to why teens may resist taking accountability, how to encourage them to take more accountability, and how to help them uncover a sense of purpose and own their future.
Key Takeaways
“As a parent, it's vitally important to be aware that your child is a unique individual.”
Thanks for Listening! Thanks so much for listening to our podcast! If you enjoyed this episode and think that others could benefit from listening, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
Do you have some feedback or questions about this episode? Leave a comment in the section below!
Subscribe to the Podcast If you would like to get automatic updates of new podcast episodes, you can subscribe to the podcast on iTunes, YouTube, Google, Spotify. You can also subscribe from the podcast app on your mobile device or listen LIVE in my Private Facebook Group.
Leave an iTunes Review Ratings and reviews from my listeners are extremely valuable and greatly appreciated. They help this podcast rank higher on iTunes, which exposes the show to more awesome listeners like you. If you have a minute, please leave a review on iTunes. | |||
| 16 Apr 2021 | Signs of teen substance abuse with Richard Capriola | 00:25:11 | |
In this episode, Dr. Cam talks with Richard Capriola, the author of “The Addicted Child: A Parent's Guide to Adolescent Substance Abuse.” Richard was an adult and adolescent addictions counselor for over two decades. He recently retired from Menninger Clinic in Houston Texas and is now providing parents a roadmap on adolescent substance abuse through his award-winning book and its companion workbook. Richard and Dr. Cam talk about:
If you're ready to supercharge your parenting, join me Tuesdays evenings for my FREE webinar series Parenting Teens Power Hour. Every session I talk with experts like Richard to dig deep into the issues that matter most to parents like you. Click here to register for free.
Connect with Richard Capriola
Connect with Dr. Cam at www.AskDrCam.com
If you find value in my interview with Richard, please rate and review to help other parents in need of help find it too. Thank you! | |||
| 16 Dec 2021 | Preventing Teen Dating Violence with Nenia Corcoran | 00:50:14 | |
Did you know that one out of three kids between the ages of 13 and 18 will find themselves in an abusive relationship this year? That statistic is terrifying to us parents, which is why I’ve invited Nenia Corcoran (@neniacorcoranauthor) to teach us what we need to know about Teen Dating Violence. Nenia combines her own experiences as a sexual assault survivor with her decade of training as a police officer to empower and educate young adults on toxic relationships, dating violence and consent. She also writes young adult fiction novels focused on raising awareness surrounding difficult topics teens often struggle to deal with. Today Nenia is going to provide us some tips and insight to help us protect our teens from dating violence and empower them to recognize abusive relationships and break free. FREE STUFF!
If you found this episode valuable, please take a quick moment to comment and share. This helps other parents like you find the show. Thank you!! | |||
| 23 Nov 2020 | Talking to Teens About Mental Health with Jamie Edelbrock | 00:17:29 | |
In this episode, Dr. Cam is joined by Jamie Edelbrock, author of Tangled Up. Tangled up (@TangledUpBook on Facebook and Instagram) is a children's book that can be used as a starting point on your child's mental health journey (and your own!). In this beautiful story, she weaves in the message that we all feel tangled up at times and that's okay. It's also okay to get help. If you found this podcast helpful, please LIKE and WRITE A REVIEW. Thanks! Learn more about Dr. Cam at www.AskDrCam.com.
EPISODE TRANSCRIPT Dr. Cam: Hey, I'm Dr. Cam. And I'm super excited because, other than my daughter, I have my first guest on my show. Jamie Edelbrock is here. She’s married to her high school sweetheart. They have three daughters, and she's worn many hats. You have been a homeschool mom. Right there. I'm blown away because I don't know how you do that. A preschool director, a family ministry director, and you rocked it. And now you are an author? Yes. That's crazy. It was almost a year ago today. We were sitting on your front porch, drinking tea. And your whole world had just blown up! So, take us there. And then, a year later, you are an actual author with a publisher going into bookstores worldwide. Jamie Edelbrock: Like what I know it's crazy. And I say Oh, it's only God. Because a year ago, we were drinking tea and crying on my front porch. DC: That's true. We were doing that. JE: In such a short amount of time. I had lost a church family, a job, my husband was deployed. I had nothing, literally nothing. That's what I felt like my whole world was flipped upside down. I knew everything was happening for a reason. But I had nothing. And at that same time, my kids were struggling, they can tell you know, the world had been our little world had been flipped upside down. And here we were, Mom and three daughters because you know, Eric was away, trying to figure it all out. And it was painful to watch my kids struggle. But also me. I use the word tangled up because that's one way I can describe it is your mind is a mess. Your hearts a mess. Like it's all just jumbled up, untangle this and knots. And I was literally sitting in a gymnastics class with one of my daughters and knowing that another one was struggling really, really, really bad. With school, with dad being away, with friendships, all of that. And I wanted to tell her like it's going to be okay, you need to see a counselor, a therapist. She didn't want to go. So, I poured my heart out in a letter to her in gymnastics class. I was just writing, writing, writing, writing, writing. And when it was finished, I could literally vision pictures. And I thought this has to be a book. I took it to a couple of friends. I went to one of my dear friend’s house and said, “Hey, listen to this.” And swallowed some pride and thought, “Well, I'm probably going to fail. But I'm just going to push this out to publishers.” And sure enough, a couple of them grabbed it. And I went with Mascot books (https://mascotbooks.com/). And the rest is history. It's only God. Now a year later with illustrator, publisher, marketing director, all of that. Here we are. Dr. Cam: It is absolutely amazing. And I remember talking about it and you sent me the manuscript and reading it and going, “Oh my God, this is absolutely beautiful.” The whole way you described tangled up in this description is so incredible. But who knew a year later? Tell us a little bit about what the book is about and the purpose of the book because I think that's a big piece of it. JE: Yeah, so it's a children's book. It talks about how kids get tangled up. Obviously, adults get tangled up too. But this is directed at kids to let them know, hey, things get you tangled up, whether it's big things or little things, whether it's daddy being deployed, moving, bullies, struggling with school, a death in the family, someone's sick, well, heaven sakes, COVID now. All of this, anything to get us tangled up. In the book, I describe how we are made from these beautiful threads. And we're made to do beautiful things, bright, sparkly threads of us. And when things happen in our life with big things, little things, we get tangled up in knots. And sometimes moms and dads, sisters, brothers can't help. Sometimes friends can’t even help. And that's where counselors and therapists come in. In the book, I call them professional detanglers because that's what they are. Love that. In the book, they take the beautiful threads of us that have been tangled up, and they can detangle them, they know how to make us flowing and brilliant and bright again. And one little idea that you had Cam when I brought this to you because I trust you and I love your wisdom and you are one of those amazing professional detanglers. DC: I'm going to take that title by the way. Teen Detangler JE: You had the idea of putting in animals. And so, throughout the book, there are these kittens that get tangled up in yarn, and one's trying to help. And by the end of the book, they're not tangled up anymore. But I love that idea that you put in there, that was so great. DC: I love that. I just want to say as an adult, that book is helpful. And right now, so many people are feeling tangled up. The kids are feeling it. Teens are feeling it. Adults are feeling it. And I feel like this book, it's written for kids, but it has a message that is really, really important for all of us. And it is said in a way that is so beautiful. You’re touching on a topic that is so difficult, and it's difficult for us as parents to bring up to our kids. Because I think there's a stigma to seeking help. It means you're broken. Seeking help means something's wrong with you. And that's not the case in this book. So clearly it shows that it has nothing to do with you being broken. You just need to be detangled. JE: We all get there. We are all in some way have been, or will be, or are tangled up. And it is hard to make that first call. It's hard. Like that's a big deal. When you make the call, like, hey, my family needs help, or I need help, you're admitting something is wrong. People need to know there's something wrong with everybody. To make that first call is so important. But I've had adult friends that have said, “I've read this book, and this has helped me to realize it's okay to reach out for help.” I mean, the saying is it takes a village .100%. I do not know where I would be without our counselors or therapists. I mean, in their school and church and outside of that as well. And if there's any message, it’s to reach out for help, become untangled. We are made for beautiful things, amazing things. And it's so hard to do that when we're stuck. And when we're tangled up. It's so hard. DC: I love that. It just occurred to me too, when your necklaces and stuff get tangled up, you can sit there and try to work it out and it gets more and more and more tangled. The easiest way to fix it is to be really loose with it and just let it fall out. It's like you just have to breathe, give yourself space. Instead of constantly trying to fix, fix, fix, and getting somebody to help you do that. It's all about just breathing and taking some time, just letting those fallout. So, tell us now because I love your current story. Do you mind telling us a little bit about your move to Indonesia? JE: It’s so funny that this book is coming out. I'm feeling a little bit tangled up right now. Stuck just because we are moving to Indonesia, which we're so excited about. But we were supposed to move on October 1, and things just keep getting delayed. So, we are literally sitting in this half-empty house, already said goodbyes, kind of stuck in the middle. We have a house, job interviews lined up. We had all these things at the girls’ school, and now we are waiting and sitting here stuck. And it's literally out of our control. We have to trust God with it. But yeah, we are feeling stuck. And the only thing I can do is one, we're together as a family, which is amazing. But when I do feel stuck is to talk about it. Like it's living examples. You practice what you preach. Here you are. How are we going to handle this? We’re excited to get there. And I know that it's all in perfect timing and God's timing when we end up there, which is supposed to be in the next couple of weeks. So yeah, fingers crossed, and I'm going to get there. DC: I love how you've also taken the steps that you can. I think a lot of people can relate just to COVID. Because I think most of us do feel like we're just stuck right in our houses and not able to go anywhere, yours is even more literal. So, you could just stay there and literally just sit in the middle of an empty room and cry and say this sucks. And yet, you're telling me all these things that you're doing. The mindset that you've had is looking for the pros to this. Your kids are now taking school there. So, they're adjusting to the new hours, they're meeting friends already. By the time they get there, they've already taken a big step and they don't have all the steps to take at once. Right? The book is coming out and you may be here when your book comes out, right. I just love how even now a lot of people would sit there and there are so many things for you to literally bitch about. You’re finding the good in it. Which is why a year ago, you're sitting on your porch crying. You were still dreaming, but you didn't know what you were going to do. You just knew you were going to do something, right. I remember you taking walks and taking pictures and I was always so inspired by that. Because it's finding the beauty in the midst of all of this chaos, right? And by doing that you untangled yourself and you found your path and I think it's so inspirational and I want people listening to this to just take that and say yeah, this can suck but there is beauty in it. JE: There's an outlet that I can take out of this what time says that's it's hour by hour, day by day, sometimes minute by minute, but this whole process has made me see that every day is a gift and every time with your people is a gift. And even in this waiting being able to spend time with the people, I love here and just I mean even little family traditions like going to Cox farms and I getting to be here for my goddaughters birthday. All of those little things are huge and it's just day by day, step by step like there is beauty in every moment if you look for it, it's there it is there. DC: Jamie you've always been someone that I've looked up to because of the way that you're able to just view the world and I just want to thank you for that because you keep me focused and thinking, “okay there's something good in this.” How can people find your book when it comes out and follow you because you're going to be doing a tour at some point and people can say, “I saw you on Dr. Cam’s show.” JE: I'm on Facebook and Instagram right now. It’s @TangledUpBook. The presale starts in November, all the links will be there. It's going to be sold almost everywhere books are sold. Follow me @TangledUpBook on Facebook and Instagram, all the information all the details will be there. DC: And I'll link to it from YouTube and on the podcast. Jamie, thank you. This was my first official interview and I love it. We’ve got to meet back a year from now—if we have time in our schedules, because we're gonna be so busy with all of our success (laughs). So, let's plan on meeting back in a year and checking in. As we know, a lot can happen in a year. JE: Absolutely. Absolutely. I love it. DC: So, if you guys liked this story, which there's no way you can’t. I mean, come on, Jamie is so inspirational. Please share it, like it, send Jamie some love. And get the book when it comes out because it's beautiful and amazing.
| |||
| 23 Jul 2021 | How to be a confident dad with David Maxwell | 00:30:32 | |
In this episode, Dr. Cam talks with Men’s Coach, David Maxwell David coaches men on how to live a life with purpose and passion using his 4 A proprietary process. He’s spent the last 25 years helping young men and teenagers feel confident in who they are and the decisions they make. He has been speaking in front of small and large audiences for over 30 years and hosts “The Confident Man Podcast” on all major podcast platforms. He’s also a dad of two. David and Dr. Cam talk about:
David is offering a replay of his free webinar to the dads of my audience at www.theconfidentdad.me | |||
| 13 Jun 2024 | How to Set Healthy Boundaries with Teens: Calm & Effective Parenting Strategies | 00:41:08 | |
Is setting boundaries with your teen, especially around technology and social life, feeling like an endless battle? What if there was a way to establish clear expectations for screen time, curfews, and other hot-button issues without the yelling and power struggles? In this episode, Dr. Cam Caswell is joined by Tia Slightham, a teacher, entrepreneur, bestselling author, and, most importantly, a mom, who truly understands the challenges parents face. Tia shares proven strategies from her "Parenting With Purpose Method" to help parents achieve peaceful communication and cooperation with their teenagers. Together, they dive into setting clear expectations and boundaries in ways that promote mutual respect—no drama required. If you’re looking to strengthen your connection with your teen while navigating tough issues, this episode is for you!
WHAT YOU'LL LEARN IN THIS EPISODE
5 KEY TAKEAWAYS FOR PARENTS OF TEENS
🎧❤️ ENJOYING THE SHOW? Don’t keep it to yourself! Share your favorite episode and leave a rating and review to help other parents find the support they need. Your feedback helps me create even more episodes filled with practical tips for you and your family! Thanks so much for your support! 🙏💫 🔔 Remember to hit Follow so you never miss another solution-packed episode! 🙌
RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE
EPISODE CHAPTERS: 00:00 - Parenting as a Skill Set 03:15 - Understanding the Root Causes of Behavior 07:39 - Setting Boundaries with Mutual Respect 10:46 - The Behavior Needs Roadmap 14:21 - Navigating Challenges: Phone Usage 27:20 - Engaging with Teens in Their Interests 31:37 - Building Trust and Connection through Small Conversations 34:07 - Preventing Power Struggles through Trust and Boundaries 37:40 - It’s Never Too Late to Make Change
CONNECT WITH OUR GUEST: TIA SLIGHTHAM
CONNECT WITH YOUR HOST: DR. CAM CASWELL
FULL TRANSCRIPT Dr. Cam Hey parents, is setting and keeping boundaries with your teen a constant battle, especially around technology and social life? You're not alone. But what if there was a way to establish clear expectations for screen time, curfews, and other hot button issues without the yelling and power struggles? That's what we're talking about in today's episode. I'm joined by a leading parenting expert, Tia Slightham. Tia, a teacher, entrepreneur, bestselling author, and most importantly, a mom, understands the challenges parents face. She's going to share some proven strategies from our parenting with purpose method to help you achieve peaceful communication and cooperation from your teenager. Tia, welcome to the show.
Tia Slightham (00:41.153) Thanks for having me, yeah, mom of teens, so I definitely get it.
Dr. Cam (00:44.022) Woohoo! Yes, me too. So we live this every single day. I think it's important to know what people are going through. Not at all. So Tia, what inspired you to become a parenting coach?
Tia Slightham (00:48.545) Thank you. Yeah, and they're not alone. They're definitely not alone. I know, people ask me this all the time and it's so funny because we're talking to our teen boys right now who are 15 and almost 13. You know, what are you interested in? What do you want to be when you grow up? And to be honest, a lot of times we just don't know what we want to be when we grow up. And so when I was younger, I knew I always wanted to work with kids. I used to take my cabbage patch doll to the movie theater and feed it and burp it and need to leave the movie to go change it. My mom would have to get up with me so I could change the diaper. I mean, I was serious. I was dead serious about being a mom and working with kids. I just always loved kids. And so I started my journey as a kindergarten teacher. I had my master's in early childhood education and I absolutely loved it. I loved all those little five -year -olds and a lot of people hated being kindergarten teachers, but I loved it. And as time went on, I never knew that I would fall into this parent coaching role. It just happened. I ended up having kids of my own. I met my husband. I'm from the States. He's from Canada. I moved to Canada, I wasn't legal to work, so I could no longer teach, and then I ended up becoming a mom, and again was fascinated by the fact that I loved being a mom. I loved the baby stage, I loved the toddler stage, but those around me, just like the kindergarten teachers, were struggling. They didn't love it. They were exhausted, their kids weren't sleeping, there were tantrums and meltdowns, and everything felt really hard. And I really reflected on why classrooms fantastic year after year and why are my two boys so great to be around? What am I doing that other people aren't doing? And that's when I really realized parenting is so much a skill set and not something that's intuitive and you're not supposed to have it figured out. And if you don't have it figured out, it's okay. Don't beat yourself up, but you are capable of learning the skills. And I just became super passionate and I built my business and I love what I get to do every day.
Dr. Cam (02:53.462) It's so important to realize it is a skill set and just because we don't have them now doesn't mean we can't get them. And guess what? Raising a teenager is a whole new skill set. It is not. The skills we used and developed earlier on don't work anymore. In fact, they backfire. And so now we got a whole new skill set to develop.
Tia Slightham (03:15.777) Yeah, it's really understanding. I always say to parents why the behaviors are happening in the first place, whether they're toddlers or teens. If you don't know why they're back talking, why they're pushing back, why they're resentful or in revenge mode, and you're just trying to force them to stop doing those things instead of going to the root of the why, it doesn't matter the age of your child, you're always going to struggle. So learning that skill set to understand why is so critical.
Dr. Cam (03:44.15) Tia, let's get into this because I mean, I work with parents as well and it seems so easy to say to do that. And yet I see time and again, parents, even after we've had a whole conversation about it, fall right back into the blaming their kid, you need to do this, that attitude is bad, that's not okay, you just need to stop. And it just escalates so quickly. How do we change our mindset from a, I don't accept that behavior from my kid, that's not okay, I just have to put an end to it, to a, I need to understand this behavior if I'm actually going to find a solution to stop it.
Tia Slightham (04:26.145) I was actually just doing a training before this and we were talking about the idea that insanity, the definition is doing the same thing over and over, but it not working and not getting any different results. That's parenting. Literally we're just parenting, doing the same things over and over, hoping our kids are gonna change.
Dr. Cam (04:36.534) Yeah, that's also parenting. We do. Getting mad at them for not changing even.
Tia Slightham (04:47.905) Yes, and saying, I told you 92 times, you obviously speak English, we're both logical here, you know better, but they still don't do what you ask them to do. And what I always say to parents is that it's not about that simple tip or trick that you listen to on a podcast or a video or YouTube or in a parenting book. It's all the pieces of the puzzle. And so when we say, we go to bed at night in tears, tomorrow I'm not gonna yell, tomorrow I'm gonna be calm, tomorrow I'm gonna show up and really respond to my kids without reaction. You mean that, you want that, but it's not possible to do without all the pieces of the puzzle. And so inside, when I work with parents inside my coaching program, I've developed a system known as the behavior needs roadmap. And this is BNR for short, but it's helping parents differentiate and determine have I met the needs for my kids from a basic standpoint of sleep, nutrition, security, transitions? Have I met the needs from an emotional standpoint? Are my kids power and attention buckets or cups full each and every day? Do I know how to do that? And most importantly in the third box, do I have the skills needed to parent with discipline and not punishment? So, I know it's such a big one.
Dr. Cam (06:07.094) People struggle between even separating those two. I think we all, consequences too, like I feel like consequences is now this new word that we use to say we're not punishing it, but it's punishment. Let's be real, because we only do negative consequences. So it's another form of punishment.
Tia Slightham (06:23.137) Yeah, if you don't know how to set them up properly, for sure you're falling back into the punishment trap.
Dr. Cam (06:28.342) This is one of the biggest challenges. And I know when you go into these different areas, and I think one of the struggles that we have is when our kids become teenagers, what fills their power and need and behavior buckets is very, very different than it was when they were little. And we keep trying to do what we did when they were little and don't understand why they're getting angry and upset and not listening and ignoring us and talking back and giving a slip and that's not okay. So how do we establish boundaries if we're not punishing them when they break them?
Tia Slightham (07:10.881) So the idea is that we want to teach our kids to do better next time. And we actually have to teach our kids how to do better next time. We want to stop the unwanted behavior. All those things are facts. But the challenge is typically our child has an unwanted behavior and our mindset and our paradigm is do something wrong, you need to suffer. Do something wrong, you need to learn a hard lesson. And a lot of that's because that's how we were raised and we don't know any different. But if we really step back and we say to ourselves, has there ever been a time in your life where another adult, a boss or a partner or a friend yelled and screamed at you or got mad at you or threatened you and you stood up and were like, yeah, you know what? Tomorrow I'm going to do better. I'm going to change.
Dr. Cam (07:54.23) I feel so motivated and I love that boss so much. I respect that boss so much. No. Yeah.
Tia Slightham (07:58.753) Yeah, I want to really do well. Yeah, we don't we say screw you. I don't like you. You're an awful person. I don't want to be around you. And now that's what we're doing with our parenting to our kids. We're yelling and we're demanding and we're overpowering. And then we want them to show up and do better, but we're not actually setting them up to do better. And we're not teaching them any skills to do better. So the key is that when we set boundaries and this is a tricky thing for parents too. We usually say boundaries, we don't set boundaries and when we say boundaries we've repeated ourselves 92 times and yes they speak English and yes maybe they heard us one of the 92 times but we're not setting boundaries and in order to set boundaries in a way that's not punishment so that we're having mutual respect is to do everything in advance. So the idea isn't that your kids come home and you just now get to say, you do your homework or you're not gonna have any TV time. That's you calling all the shots. That's you overpowering your kids and your kids saying, screw you. But if in advance you set a boundary and I think about it as three key parts. One, identify what your boundaries are. Like what do you really want that situation to look like? What do you need your kids to do from start to finish and lay those out, bring your kids on board, especially with teens and older kids, you know, sitting down with them and saying, hey, I need you to come in the door and we need to do homework first before we move to our devices. So how much time do you think you need? 30 minutes or 40 minutes? 40 minutes or an hour? Like give your kids some power, give them some control. Sit down with them, have a conversation, lay out the plan and teach, train and practice for number two. And I know sometimes parents are like, well, my teens don't really need to practice. My teens understand what I'm saying. When I say teach, train and practice, I mean, you've got to pretend like they don't speak your language. Like they're coming from another country and you've got a foreign exchange student and you're going to walk through that plan because otherwise your boundaries are in your mind. They're not on the table and you're expecting your kids to do what you want them to do without really showing them. And then the third part for boundary setting is what is your follow through when they don't do that plan what happens when you set it up that way. What we've done is we've said, great, we've got a plan. We're on the same team. We're on the same page. When you do X, Y can be the outcome, which you love. Or when you choose not to do X, Y is not available, but it's totally in your court. You get to decide. Now it's not us saying, well, you didn't do your homework. You don't get this. We actually have a plan in place and we're giving our kids autonomy and power and independence to do what feels good so they like the outcome versus not.
Dr. Cam (10:50.582) There's so much important stuff about this and it sounds very logical hearing it. And I think what happens is people go, okay, and then they go home and they're like, I don't understand. So let's walk some like, walk through some very common situations where parents struggle to establish and even more so enforce or maintain boundaries. So a big one is using the phone, particularly with teenagers using the phone at night or too much. How do we set a boundary around the phone where we're not going to have a power struggle and fight every single night?
Tia Slightham (11:32.065) So yes, we have to talk about that. But before we even get into that, we have to remind ourselves if we haven't learned how to avoid the punishments and we're still yelling and taking things away and engaging in power struggles and trying to over control your child, when you go to set that boundary, they're not gonna wanna follow through for you. They're not gonna wanna respect you. And so that's where all the pieces of the puzzle are so critical and looking at that behavior needs roadmap to set your child up for success so they can cooperate in those moments is critical. So if you take what we're talking about today, if you're listening and you try and implement and you're like, but it didn't really work the way I wanted it to work, ask yourself, do I feel like I'm still punishing? Am I still engaging in power struggles? Because then that's where we wanna dig deeper and do some work. Surface implementations are tricky if we don't have those root things resolved, okay? Yeah. And people will often go, I tried it once, it didn't work. So I'm going back to the way that I've been doing it for years. That doesn't work. And it's been making things worse. So I think it's not going to likely work the first time for multiple reasons. First of all, you're still developing the skill, so you're not great at it. And second of all, your teen also has habits that need to break and they're used to it. And they have to trust you. They have to trust you. And right now they don't. They don't trust you because maybe you live in what we call the gray zone, where sometimes you give in and sometimes you don't. Sometimes you yell and sometimes you don't. Sometimes you're patient, sometimes you're not. And so our kids have a hard time trusting us. And because they're born with those two predetermined jobs to please you and to push boundaries until boundaries are found, if you're in the gray zone and you're inconsistent with your boundaries, of course, you're not going to be able to do that they're pushing you and pushing you. So it takes time to keep setting and setting boundaries consistently so we can build that trust back.
Dr. Cam (13:26.518) What's important here too, and what I think is very different with teenagers as well is those boundaries, we have to be very, very clear, even to ourselves, because all us parents, and they can't explain why that boundary is there at all. I'm like, well, if you can explain it, how are you teaching your teen why that's a necessary boundary? And now they don't trust you because they don't understand why that boundary just feels like control, nothing else. We need to be clear and we also need to continuously adapt as our kids shows, I'm okay in this boundary because we're learning them. So let's go now, we've laid out that. So now let's go. Our teen, we have told them over and over again, do not use your phone at night. And it is either I take it away and they get really upset or I don't take it away and they look at it all night long. How do I establish this boundary without a fight every night?
Tia Slightham (14:21.409) Yeah, so we're going to go back to that three step plan and let's like put that in play. So we need to identify, we call it three C's boundaries. So yes, you mentioned it being very clear. We call it concrete, clear and consistent. What are those three C's boundaries that we need our kids to follow? So I use my own kids for an example, 15 and almost 13. My fifth, they're both into Snapchat and all the things and they want to be on their phone and I want them to socialize and I want them to be able to create their own social plans. And I think all of that is positive when we have boundaries around it. And so in our house, our boundaries that are concrete, clear and consistent are, you know, I know where each of them plug their phones in at night and where that is out of their rooms downstairs. I need their iPads and their computers, invisible site the top of the stairs so that I'm not searching for them and when I see them sitting there and the phones are plugged in, we're good. We've got our plan in place. I don't want any devices in their rooms after a certain time. My 15 year old has a different time than my almost 13 year old. We've sat down, we've had the conversations about where those devices need to go, what time those devices need to come out, that I'm not going to give reminders for the devices. If I just don't see it at the top of the stairs, I'm not searching for it. That means I'm assuming it's in your room. So we're really putting the control on our kids to say, do I have the self -management skills to put the things where they need to go? Can I handle these devices? Can I handle having boundaries around these devices? And then letting them know in advance what will happen when those devices aren't in those right spots. Or you come out of your room 10 minutes later than we talked about that it's an automatic, this is what will happen, we don't even need to talk about it because they know and I know. This is where you decrease the yelling and the anger and the you're taking things away from me, you're trying to control me. When you set it up like this, because it's now, shoot, you're right, I did come out of my room 10 minutes late. Shoot, you're right, I didn't plug my phone in. Instead of you doing everything to your kids, they're making choices for themselves. And then for us, our follow through is that when those things don't follow through, then the next day, we're a tech -free day. You can take your computer to school for when you need it, but you know what? I'll keep your phone for the day. It's a want to have, it's not a need to have. I know you love it, but it'll just be mine for the day and we'll reset. If parents are really struggling, their kids are like, well, I don't care if I lose it for a day. And we have to really think about what they're motivated by. If your kids, most of them are motivated by device and not to have it for a day is a bummer. But if they're not then you need to look at what their true motivation is when you set up your follow through or your positive discipline consequence. Does that make sense?
Dr. Cam (17:10.998) Completely. And I think the other thing, and I want to get your opinion on this because I think one of the things I see that happens a lot is when we set that boundary up or that rule up, we set it up based on our perspective and our need and our solution. And especially when kids are older, if we're not taking into account their needs and they're a solution that actually works for them, a lot of times our solutions are counter to what their needs are, they're not, they're going to have a fit. They're not going to listen. And then it sounds like, this kid's a pain in the butt and he just wants what he wants. But he does want what he wants. We all want what we want. But if he's getting that upset, he's not getting something really important. It could be, yes, the phone, but what is it about the phone that's so important? And we need to understand that, right?
Tia Slightham (18:05.569) Yeah, we have to see things from their perspective. And that's where I say involve your kids in your conversations when you're setting the boundaries. So my kids have always gone to bed early and way earlier than all their friends because I know how important sleep is. And I know that they show up and they listen and they cooperate and they do well at school and they feel better when they get to sleep. And a lot of times our teens don't think they need sleep. But if you're waking your kids up every single morning for school and dragging them out of bed they are not getting enough sleep and a lot of your power struggles are stemming from that need not being met on that roadmap. So a lot of times what happens is we are, we're setting boundaries for what our kids need, because we actually do, I mean, I hate to say it, but we know a little bit more than them, but it's not maybe what they want. And so when we think about what they want versus what they need. That's where we need to meet them in the middle a little bit. And that's where communication is key. And if we're really engaging in power struggles and anger with our teens, they're not gonna wanna open up to you. They're gonna feel overpowered or they're gonna be in trouble or you're gonna take something away. So if I look at Hudson, who's my 15 year old and we talk about what happened with their early bedtimes, he came to me and he said, mommy, I am, he still calls me mommy though, but mommy, I am 15 and I think I could stay up a little bit later. I think I could and I don't want to sneak my device, but I do want to stay up a little bit later. What do you think? And I thought, you know what? Thank you for coming to me. Let's talk about it. What, what do you think? I think, why don't you, you know, bring your device out around 10 or 1015. You decide some nights we might have to do it earlier if we've had some big function happening, but for the most part that should work. And as long as it's out on the landing at 10 or 1015, let's do that. Does that feel good? Yeah, I like that. Okay, great. So little brother doesn't know that's happening. He goes to bed, he's fine. And big brother gets to have that independence and autonomy. But I had to think about, yeah, he does want to stay up a little later. He can manage that. And I want him to know he can come to me and I'm going to work with him within reason. Now the conversation was, if we start to see, you know, spiral in schoolwork, you're feeling exhausted, you're really irritable and moody and you can't really handle it. We might need to back it back up. So these are the things I'm looking for. So he knew it's worked out great. It's been fantastic. He feels heard. I feel seen. Everybody's happy.
Dr. Cam (20:29.174) It's important that we're including the kids in this. And I know there is still people holding very strongly to kind of the beliefs of what were when we were younger. Like, I'm the parent, I'm the authority, I don't need to deal with whatever you have to say is not important. I know best, I'm just gonna take it. It's okay to do that if you are okay with the fact that you're not gonna have a connection, they're gonna fight back, and you're not gonna actually teach them any skills. That's fine, like go for it. But I think it's really important to realize we know now because we've evolved, just like physical health and everything else, we've learned so much more on how to take care of ourselves and how much better to interact with our kids to teach them the skills. I want to throw that out there because I know there's people that are just not even open to it and it's going to take time. But one of the things I think parents really struggle with with this when it comes to boundaries is that line between being like the authority and this is it and just listen to me and being passive and just going, okay, whatever you need, we're just going to listen to you. And we kind of...
pendulum swing between the two and neither work well. How do we find this middle? What does a boundary look like in the middle?
Tia Slightham (21:57.601) So we're kind of we're stuck in what we call either being the overpowering tiger where your kids need to listen to you because you said so or the wet doormat where your kids just walk all over you and you're right neither of them work and then we want to get to that positive discipline parent where we have mutual respect and so the boundary looks like we talked about in advance, bringing your kids on board, having conversations with them, hearing out what they need, what their wants are, meeting them in the middle where it makes sense, building that open line of communication so you're not just saying it's this way or the highway, but really bringing them on board. And I think what happens is parents are afraid to bring their kids on board because they're afraid they're going to lose control. But what we don't realize is we've already lost control if you're yelling and screaming and trying to force your kids.
Dr. Cam (22:51.098) And like you said, we're not actually teaching them any skills or we're teaching even worse, we're teaching them the skill of here's how you get what you get your way. You yell and scream until we give in. And that is not a great skill to take out into the world. Like that's what we're teaching.
Tia Slightham (23:09.185) Yeah, and if you think about Hudson with his iPad, there were a lot of skills that were taught. He was taught that when he does the things that we talk about and we build trust, he gets more independence, he gets more freedom, more time on his phone, that he's managing the clock and watching that on his own, even if he's in the middle of something that he's enjoying, that he can have that freedom. He's learning that when I choose not to do that Gosh, things don't work out the way that I want them to work out, but when I make a better choice, it does. Whereas if you just yell and scream and take the device and say, that's it, you're done, I've already asked you 92 times to get off of it, we actually didn't teach any of those things.
Dr. Cam (23:47.878) Right. And we actually just made them want it more. So now it's just become an even more desirable thing and we've become the enemy. So I think...
Tia Slightham (23:57.633) And part of them wanting it more is the fact that they're looking for something and someone to bond and connect with. And with teens, I know as a teen mom, it's very scary, the internet and phones, and they're talking to people from all over in different schools. And the idea is that if we don't build a strong bonding connection with our kids where they feel like they trust us and they can lean on us and they're not afraid of us they're gonna look for that in other places that are not healthy places. And so I think our kids who are so addicted to phones, it's because they're missing a really strong bond and connection with their parents. And I know a lot of parents are probably saying right now, well, my teen wants nothing to do with me. My teen doesn't wanna talk to me. They don't like me. They say they hate me. They want to connect with you so desperately, but they don't know how. And as parents, we have to say, I'm not gonna wait around for my teen to figure out how to make this right. They are the child. I need to figure out how to make this right.
Dr. Cam (24:58.422) We know nothing else works without connection and trust. It just doesn't. Like you know, it does not work without it. And trust is not something you can say, hey kid, trust me. That does not work. I've never seen that work, nor respect. Fear and respect, not the same thing, right? Trust and respect is something that you earn and grow over time. And how we do that is by trusting and respecting them which a lot of parents just don't feel comfortable doing. So explain to me a little bit on how do you start building that trust with a kid that right now wants nothing to do with you and has no trust in you and you do not trust anything they say or do either. Because I hear this a lot.
Tia Slightham (25:51.713) Hmm. Yeah. So we have to start small and we have to remove the pressure. So a lot of times what we think is that we talk about how our kids need to be connected to us, but more so than anything, we also really need to be connected to our kids. Parents feel so down and sad and regretful and shame and empty when you don't feel like you have a relationship with your kids. So as much as they need us, we also need them. And so we have to remember, look at the whole picture and say, gosh, we've been in this combative state. Like I wouldn't want to hang out with me either. Like I wouldn't want to really be my friend right now either. So how can I dip my toe back in and sort of open things up with them? So we've got to get to a place where I always say to parents, start working on one area. So if you're going to start setting boundaries, choose one area. It's morning routines, it's devices. Maybe it's coming home from school and your homework routines. You're not going to fix everything at once or not ripping the carpet out. So choose one area that you might want to focus on when you start to build those boundaries, but at the same time, build your relationship. So what I mean is we do what's called golden time. It's like a five ingredient formula and every, you know, psychologist and doctor and teacher and parenting expert does some sort of form of this where they want you to spend quality time with your kids. I mean, it makes perfect sense. So I want you just to carve out, even if it's five minutes, 10 minutes, 15 minutes. where you show interest in your teenager. And that interest might be where you say, can you show me, let's do that TikTok dance together. Like I'm terrible at those things. My rhythm is not what my 13 year olds is. But you know what? It's pretty fun to sit down and do it together and they giggle with you and they laugh at you. It might be, hey, let me play that NASCAR game with you and show me, how do I even use this remote? Show interest in what they're interested in because most of the time what they think is the things they like are the things we hate, the things we don't want them on, the things we don't want them to do. And so they feel no connection or sort of a sense of alignment with us. So I want you to think about engaging with them in something that they're interested in. They will be so pleased to see that you are interested in something they're interested in.
Dr. Cam (28:10.294) There are several points I just want to reiterate because it's so important. The first one is they do want to connect with you. I mean, years and years and years of talking to teens, every single one wants a connection with their parent, but not in the way that we're insisting we have it. I think that's part of it is that they want a connection with us in a real authentic connection, not in a mom and dad define what we do, what it looks like, how I have to act, when you define everything and it's a controlled situation that fits your needs, your kid wants nothing to do with it. So if you want to connect with your teen exactly what you said, be interested in what they're interested in. It is like magic. Magic. my gosh.
Tia Slightham (28:57.473) their eyes will light up. They will look at you like you have nine heads. Like, what? you're interested in this?
Dr. Cam (29:04.918) It's so fun and I love talking to teens and you just kind of throw out different ideas and just see what lights them up. It's just like you said, it's like throw a few things out and you'll see because they'll latch onto it and then they can just go when you find the right thing.
Tia Slightham (29:17.441) Hmm, something as simple as would you like to walk to Starbucks? You know, like it's amazing the conversations I have when I take the dog and I invite one of my kids and say, let's walk to ice cream or walk to Starbucks. Like maybe it's, maybe it's ice cream. If they're not interested in Starbucks, most of the kids are like, yeah, let's go do that. but we've got to get to a place where they feel like when they go for that walk, it's not going to be your opportunity to corner them into all the things they're doing wrong, but it's just a free flowing conversation and once you start, a lot of times people will say, well, my teens shut down. My teens won't open up. My teens don't want to talk, but we're not giving them the right place and time and environment to allow them to open up. Last night we were at dinner, the four of us and both my boys are really getting into the girls and the dating and this is a whole new world for me. So I brought up with my younger one, how so and so doing? And he said, well, I actually want to talk to you when you tuck me in tonight because we have really good chats then and I said, is it kind of private? And he said, yeah. And I said, okay, let's talk about it then. I thought how amazing that he knows what time of day is going to be a time that he can kind of off leash his thoughts and his feelings and come to me for advice and an ear to listen. And so it might be car rides for some kids. I always say before bed is a great time. My kids love their backs scratched. I lay down and scratch their back. We talk for a few minutes. It's not a, I'm not singing songs anymore and I'm not reading fairy tales. I wish I was, but we're scratching backs and we're talking, but they know that there's times on the walk or before bed that it's going to be a one -on -one opportunity for them to feel safe. And I think as parents, we need to carve out those times, whether you have younger kids or teens so your kids know that you're available and that you really want to be with them.
Dr. Cam (31:08.374) Yeah, this requires a lot of patience because parents may listen and go, okay, today I'm going to invite them to Starbucks and this is going to be great. Chances are great that they might say no, that if they even said yes, they're not going to say a word to you. That is okay. You've made the first step. Keep inviting them. Keep having really teeny short little blips of conversations where it doesn't go south fast. Right?
Tia Slightham (31:20.641) Yes And don't make it personal when they shut you down.
Dr. Cam (31:39.894) No, not at all. Not at all. And I think that's what's really hard too, is it's very, very difficult for us to not take it personally. We're like, my gosh, what it... And it is, it's a matter of they are very concerned about our judgment. They are very concerned about getting our approval or not getting it. And so it's easier just to not do anything than to risk getting a disappointed look or lecture. And I think we get stuck there a lot.
Tia Slightham (32:10.145) Yeah, and when you start, if they take an inch and they come in and they allow you to go for that walk or they just remind yourself that just listening is like the best thing you can do in that moment. You don't have to give your opinion. You don't need to come in hard and strong. Just listen. And it's amazing what they'll start to open up with when you just keep trying, pressure free, keep inviting, keep carving out time and keep your ears open.
Dr. Cam (32:40.406) I want to circle this back to the boundaries and the power struggles and just be very help people tie what we're talking about to that. The whole point of this is when we have those trusting, respectful relationships with our kids and we set boundaries with them for their safety and we're clear with them, they don't fight back to that point. They may say, I disagree and can we listen and you talk about it and you figure it out, but you don't have those knockout, drag down power struggles anymore because they trust you. So building those relationships, that is what removes the need for the power struggles and the need for the frustration. They're not listening to me.
Tia Slightham (33:35.329) Because deep down the why behind the behavior, why they're power struggling so much is those power and attention needs, that relationship, that bond is not met. Or our parenting is inconsistent and we're gray. Or we're giving in sometimes, or we're yelling, or we're overpowering. So all of those little pieces are why they give you such a hard time when you try and set a boundary. And when we can start to build that relationship and that trust, they're not doing it to get back at you anymore. It no longer becomes about you and your child. It becomes about the phone or the homework or the issue that you're dealing with. Whereas right now, for most parents, it's about you two instead of the actual issue itself.
Dr. Cam (34:20.598) Yeah, it really is because when that's taken care of and the thing is, you're still going to have issues. Kids are still going to have, do things that you're like, that was not a good decision. You're still going to disagree with things. The thing is when you have that foundation, it's not that big a deal. Like you deal with it, you connect over it, you talk about it, you move through it and you're done with it and you're more connected before. And the two of us are both
parents of teenagers and so we're speaking from actual experience. Like this is how we live. Like I do not have power struggles with my teenager, but she is extremely respectful and responsible and participates in the house and does all the things with no arguing.
Tia Slightham (35:10.273) because you're meeting all those needs and you're starting that relationship. We were driving to school the other day and I said to the boys, I'm just gonna lay it out for you guys, just so you know. You're teenagers, which means you're gonna make a lot of really stupid decisions. I know it. Like I did it, I was a teenager. I know. I said my job is to help you make the smartest of the bad decisions, the smartest of the stupid decisions.
Dr. Cam (35:11.702) because we are very connected and she trusts me. I still do Tia. I still make dumbest decisions.
Tia Slightham (35:39.585) So when I'm talking to you about things, it's only so that I can help you because your logical brain, you're not developed to where you're gonna be and as adults, we're still learning. So think about where you're at. But I just want you to know that I'm not here to make you feel badly about your decisions. I'm not here to make you feel badly about your mistakes. I just wanna help you learn from them because there's gonna be a lot of bad decisions, because that's what happens as we're growing up. It's how you learn. But I think having our kids know that is also important because a lot of times our teens in particular really fear letting us down. They fear getting in trouble. They fear that they can't please us in any way because we're always so angry with them. And I think that goes back to that connection and trust, but it's also connected like a giant spider web.
Dr. Cam (36:13.718) Yeah, it really is. And I think starting right there with if you are constantly angry at your teenager, that's the place you need to start because you need to think through that anger because approaching your child in anger or viewing everything they do through that lens of anger will not build a connection because now you have this big barrier up and you just can't, you can't see through it. And that is so incredibly hard to do. None of this is easy. It is worthwhile though. my gosh, it is so worthwhile for you and for your kid. So Tia, what is like one big takeaway that you want parents to walk away with from this episode?
Tia Slightham (37:03.009) Yep, absolutely. That it's never too late. And so often we say, well, my child's a preteen or a teen and there's no way we're gonna be able to make changes. I've already damaged my child. I've already created too much trauma. Our relationship's already shot and everything is fixable and it's never too late. And if your child is 16, 17, 18, they're still only been in this world 16, 17, 18 years. They're still little. They still have so much life to live. And if you want to build that relationship with your kids, you can turn things around with the skill set, with the tools, with the foundations.
Dr. Cam (37:47.478) Yeah, one of the fastest ways to do that is to apologize. Because if we just say, hey, I, looking back, I'm not thrilled with the way I handled this. I know that we caused, I caused some chaos and some conflict and I, it's not the best. Because when we do that, sometimes the kids hold grudges for so long because they just are waiting for that one word, two words, I'm sorry. That's all they need to hear and all of a sudden so much of it can be pushed in the past and we can move forward if we're willing to look at that. I think that's it.
Tia Slightham (38:22.849) Yeah, and that repair piece is so important. But one of the pieces that I really want to emphasize to parents is you can apologize and repair, but then what we want to role model with that is that we're going to do something different next time. Because a lot of times we say sorry for yelling and exploding, but the next day we just yell and explode again. So again, we lose trust because our apology is kind of meaningless.
Dr. Cam (38:43.126) We do it again.
Tia Slightham (38:48.353) So if you're really wanting to make changes, you do want to apologize and take ownership to your actions and your behaviors. But then you need to say to your kids, but hey, I'm working with a psychologist or a coach or I'm taking this program because I actually want to learn how to do things differently because I want to be the parent here. And it's not your responsibility, it's mine. But that takes learning the skills and it's not something you can just go to bed at night and say tomorrow will be better. You have to actually get guidance.
Dr. Cam (39:07.926) Yeah, it is like any other task or job or anything we do, we need to learn it to get better at it and practice it to get better at it. Tia, how do people find you?
Tia Slightham (39:29.665) gosh, I would say Instagram's probably the easiest place. I'm at Tia Parenting Coach and there's tons of videos and trainings and support there. And they can definitely DM me from there or they're welcome to go to my website, tiaslitem .com.
Dr. Cam (39:45.43) I love it. Tia, thank you so much for jumping on with us today. I appreciate it.
Tia Slightham (39:48.513) Yeah, I could chat for days with you, so we'll do it again.
ABOUT THE SHOW The Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Podcast is your go-to resource for navigating the challenges of raising teenagers. Hosted by Dr. Cam Caswell, an adolescent psychologist and certified parenting coach, this podcast offers practical parenting strategies, expert advice, and real-world insights to help you build a stronger relationship with your teen and support their emotional growth. Whether you’re struggling with teenage behavior or looking to improve communication, each episode provides actionable tips to make parenting teens easier and more rewarding. Perfect for both new and seasoned parents, this podcast helps you build the confidence to handle teen challenges and thrive together. #theteentranslator #drcamcaswell #parentingteenswithdrcam #parenting #teenboundaries #teencommunication | |||
| 30 Nov 2021 | How to Reach Your Troubled Teen with Michael Unbroken | 00:32:01 | |
If your teen seems out of control and you’re worried about their risky behavior and questionable choices, this episode is for you. I’m joined by Michael Unbroken, author of the best-selling book Think Unbroken. Michael is a coach, mentor, and educator for adult survivors of child abuse. Michael also hosts The Michael Unbroken podcast, teaches at Think Unbroken Academy and is on a mission to end generational trauma. Today, Michael is going to give us a peak into the mind of a troubled teen and teach us how to connect with them in a way that helps them thrive. FREE STUFF!
If you found this episode valuable, please take a quick moment to comment and share. This helps other parents like you find the show. Thank you!! | |||
| 05 May 2023 | Grades, College & Careers with Deepali Vyas | 00:26:10 | |
If you are one of the many parents who are laser-focused on setting your teen up for future success by prioritizing their grades and building up their resume in order to get into the right college so they can get a good job, you may want to take a moment to listen to today’s episode. In this episode I’m joined by Deepali Vyas, the founder and CEO of Fearless+. Deepali spent 22 years as an executive recruiter and leadership consultant, reviewing over 100,000 resumes, filling 40,000 executive jobs, and conducting C-Suite leadership assessments. Now, she is helping the next generation prepare for their future careers. Deepali and I talk about:
Thanks for Listening! Thanks so much for listening to our podcast! If you enjoyed this episode and think that others would appreciate the guidance and encouragement, please take a quick moment to rate and review. Reviews from my listeners are extremely valuable and greatly appreciated. Review on iTunes.
Subscribe to the Podcast If you would like to get automatic updates of new podcast episodes, you can subscribe to the podcast on iTunes, YouTube, Google, Spotify. You can also subscribe from the podcast app on your mobile device or listen LIVE in my Private Facebook Group. | |||
| 25 Nov 2020 | Finding the Joy in Parenting Teens with Tracy Nolin Beerman | 00:26:38 | |
Yes! It can be done! Do you ever feel like life is coming at you? Like you’re playing a perpetual game of whack a mole? Something comes up over here and you whack it down. Something comes up over there and you whack that down too. Before you know it days, weeks, and sometimes years slip by in an overwhelming blur. Tracy Nolin Beerman has been there too. Using her unique combination of experiences as a former teacher, certified Life Mastery Consultant, and over 25 years on the yoga mat she helps busy moms regain control of their lives and get their joy back. Join us as we talk about: 1. Why a life vision is key in parenting. Decide what you want in your life and with your relationship with your teens. 2. Aligning your thoughts and your energy with what you want. Your teen is receptive to your energy. 3. Being the parent you wish to become now, in your everyday life.
Connect with Tracy Nolin Beerman www.onefootup.com | Facebook | Instagram
Connect with Dr. Cam www.askdrcam.com | Facebook | Instagram | LinkedIn | Twitter | YouTube If you found this episode helpful, please LIKE, FOLLOW, REVIEW & SHARE. Thanks :) | |||
| 16 Jun 2021 | Building respectful parent-teen relationships with Aly Pain | 00:41:36 | |
In this episode, Dr. Cam talks with parenting expert and relationship coach, Aly Pain (@AlyPainStraightTalkFierceLove). Growing up, Aly was the smart, fun girl on the outside and a frantic, anxious mess on the inside. She spent years healing the pain of dysfunctional family relationships, including eating disorders and a suicide attempt, to break the cycle raising her own teen boys. Her passion is empowering parents to build healthy, respectful relationships with their teens without giving up or giving in, even if they've tried everything and are at their wits end. Aly and Dr. Cam get real about:
| |||
| 11 Mar 2021 | Raising confident teens with Keisha Montfleury | 00:27:39 | |
In this episode, Dr. Cam talks with Keisha Montfleury (@confidentkeisha), a confidence coach for girls. With 16 years of successful experience and a strong commitment to serving disadvantaged youth and adults, Keisha has made it her life’s mission to plant the seeds of encouragement into our youth so they are equipped to make wise, sound decisions. Keisha is so passionate about serving our youth that she started her own company called HandiWork LLC, whose purpose is to specifically designed to provide resources for our girls that supports them in having a HEALTHY CONFIDENCE so they will not give into negative behavior. Dr. Cam and Keisha talk about
Keisha has a free eBook you can download: Becoming Confident Tip & Tricks
If you enjoyed this episode and all the amazing nuggets that Keisha shared with us, please take a quick moment to follow, rate, and comment. Feel free spread the love and share it with a friend too!
Connect with Keisha Montfleury: Website | Facebook | Instagram | LinkedIn
Don't forget to grab Dr. Cam's FREE guide: 7 Secrets to Motivating Teens | |||
| 02 Sep 2021 | Why teens make bad choices with Deborah Ann Davis | 00:40:40 | |
In this epsidode, Dr. Cam talks with Parenting Life Coach Deborah Ann Davis (@mommeetupforconfidentgirls) Deborah is also an author, certified personal trainer, teacher, and mother. Her job is to help you recognize what you’re doing right as a parent, and then add supplemental strategies. Here books, “How To Keep Your Daughter From Slamming the Door” and “How To Get Your Happy On,” are available everywhere. Deborah and Dr. Cam talk about:
FREE STUFF!
If you found this episode valuable, please take a quick moment to comment and share. This helps other parents like you find the show. Thank you!! | |||
| 11 Feb 2021 | Helping teens through their loneliness with Vanita O'Neal | 00:27:08 | |
In this episode, Dr. Cam is joined by the founder of DreamWell Coaching, Vanita O'Neal. We're talking about how to help our kids with feeling socially isolated and alone. Vanita teaches parents and children how to manage problematic behavior. She has been studying human behavior as a licensed social worker and life coach. Her company, DreamWell, was birthed in 2011 out of a stressful time in her life when her plate was overflowing and she needed to make a change or risk her own mental health decline. She identified her biggest stressors and put to work everything she knew to improve her life and the lives of the parents and children she worked with. She also recognized that God was at the center of her transformation and wants to share it with other people.
Connect with Vanita O'Neal
Connect with Dr. Cam www.askdrcam.com | Facebook | Instagram | LinkedIn | Twitter | YouTube | iTunes
If you found this episode helpful, please LIKE, FOLLOW, REVIEW & SHARE. Thanks :) | |||
| 30 Mar 2021 | Helping teens with anxiety with Rebecca Marcus, LCSW | 00:21:45 | |
In this episode, Dr. Cam talks with Rebecca Marcus, LCSW, a trauma-informed, integrative psychotherapist in the NYC area. Rebecca specializes in anxiety and relationships. She helps young adults, teens, and tweens to develop self-awareness and build effective coping skills to break free from anxiety and stress while accessing one’s own inner resilience, strength, and wisdom. In this episode, Rebecca and Dr. Cam cover:
Connect with Rebecca Marcus: Website | Facebook | Instagram | LinkedIn
Connect with Dr. Cam: https://linktr.ee/drcam
If you found this episode helpful, please rate, review, and share with a friend that could benefit from it as well. | |||
| 24 Aug 2022 | Teenage Suicide & Depression with Elliot Kallen | 00:25:52 | |
The American Academy of Pediatrics recently declared adolescent mental health a national emergency, as rates of depression, anxiety, self-harm and suicidal thoughts continue to skyrocket. The pandemic brought this serious issue to the forefront, but this uptick started years before COVID arrived on the scene. Sadly, and too often, the parents of these teens are the last to learn about their child's mental health struggles—and often too late to take action. In this episode, I’m joined by Elliot Kallen, the Co-Founder and President of A Brighter Day, a nonprofit organization dedicated to preventing suicide by helping teens manage their depression and stress. Elliot is going to teach us what warning signs to look for and what we can do to protect our teens from the number one preventable cause of death.
Key Takeaways
Resources Mentioned in This Episode
Thanks for Listening! Thanks so much for listening to our podcast! If you enjoyed this episode and think that others could benefit from listening, please share it with a friend.
Subscribe to the Podcast If you would like to get automatic updates of new podcast episodes, you can subscribe to the podcast right here on YouTube! | |||
| 23 Dec 2020 | Dreaming big with our teens | 00:16:32 | |
Motivation continues to be a huge struggle for parents and teens these days. It's also the cause of endless power struggles, fights, resentment, and anger. But what should you do instead? Today I want to shift your focus from guiding your teen to be practical to helping them dream BIG.
Connect with Dr. Cam www.askdrcam.com | Facebook | Instagram | LinkedIn | Twitter | YouTube | iTunes If you found this episode helpful, please LIKE, FOLLOW, REVIEW & SHARE. Thanks :) | |||
| 15 Dec 2020 | The Greatest Gift You Can Give Teens with Debi Ronca | 00:23:59 | |
Dr. Cam is joined by Debi Ronca, the Founder and CEO of Sequoia Coaching. Debi’s best-selling book, The Family Letter, is having a powerful impact on families all over the world. Her desire and dream are to have her book create a global movement, creating a profound and transformational impact on the family unit. Some highlights from this episode: • Everyone has a longing to be known, loved, valued, and celebrated, and this is not just for adults, it is for teens as well. • Your teen has a desire to be heard, and in this time of establishing who they are, or their identity, they need a safe place to share what they are processing. • Unconditional love goes a long way. They will remember that they are loved, and so trust will be developed. Debi has also generously offered to give her transformative book to listeners for FREE (all you have to pay is the shipping). If you're interested, send her a message through her Facebook account: @authordebironca.
Connect with Debi Ronca www.debironca.com | Facebook | LinkedIn
Connect with Dr. Cam www.askdrcam.com | Facebook | Instagram | LinkedIn | Twitter | YouTube | iTunes
If you found this episode helpful, please LIKE, FOLLOW, REVIEW & SHARE. Thanks :) | |||
| 21 Jan 2025 | How to Raise an Emotionally Intelligent Teen: Insights from Dr. Jenny Woo | 00:42:21 | |
In this episode of Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam, Dr. Cam Caswell and Dr. Jenny Woo explore the crucial role of emotional intelligence in parenting teens. They discuss how emotional intelligence influences relationships, communication, and teen development, and why it’s more important than ever in today’s world. Dr. Woo sheds light on the "emotional recession" affecting today's youth, and how technology, social media, and societal pressures contribute to emotional challenges. The conversation offers practical advice on how parents can model emotional regulation, resilience, and empathy to help their teens navigate their feelings, cope with emotional discomfort, and build stronger relationships.
WHAT YOU'LL LEARN IN THIS EPISODE
5 KEY TAKEAWAYS FOR PARENTS OF TEENS
🎧❤️ ENJOYING THE SHOW? If you enjoyed this episode, don't forget to share it with your friends and family! Leave a rating and review to help other parents discover these valuable parenting tips. Your feedback helps us continue providing actionable advice. 🙏💫
EPISODE CHAPTERS 00:00 – Navigating Parenting and Emotional Intelligence 03:07 – Understanding Emotional Intelligence and Its Role in Teen Development 05:53 – The Emotional Recession: Why Teens Are Struggling with Emotions 08:56 – Deficits in Emotional Intelligence Among Today’s Youth 12:10 – The Impact of Technology and Social Media on Teen Emotions 15:00 – Building Resilience: How Parents Can Help Teens Cope with Emotional Discomfort 17:52 – Modeling Emotional Regulation as Parents 21:41 – Walking on Eggshells: Understanding Teen Emotions Without Overprotecting 24:35 – Validating Feelings: The Importance of Emotional Acceptance 29:55 – Empowering Teens: The Necessity of Autonomy in Emotional Growth 31:46 – Building Empathy: How Experience, Not Just Words, Cultivates Empathy 35:42 – The Myth of Coddling: Why Validating Emotions Doesn’t Lead to Weakness 40:20 – Fostering Connection: How Empathy Strengthens the Parent-Teen Relationship
CONNECT WITH OUR GUEST: Dr. Jenny Woo
CONNECT WITH YOUR HOST: Dr. Cam Caswell
FULL TRANSCRIPT Dr. Cam (00:01) Parenting in today's world is not easy, especially when it comes to helping teens navigate their emotions and relationships. But what if we could equip our teen with a skill set that builds resilience, confidence, and stronger connections? That's where emotional intelligence comes in. In this episode, I'm joined by Dr. Jenny Wu, a Harvard-trained educator, EQ researcher, and the brilliant mind behind mind-brain emotion. Dr. Wu has spent her career bridging the gap between science and practice, creating tools like her award-winning card games, 52 essential conversations, and 52 essential coping skills used by families, schools, and workplaces worldwide. Dr. Wu's expertise has been featured in Forbes, PBS, Parents, and more. And she's here to share practical tips and proven strategies with us to help our teens thrive emotionally and… Socially welcome. Dr. Wu Jenny. How are you? Dr. Jenny Woo (01:00) I'm doing well! Thank you so much for having me, Dr. Kim! Dr. Cam (01:04) Absolutely. And I was just telling you, I love emotional intelligence and talking about this. Tell us first, how did you get into this? What inspired you to specialize in emotional intelligence? Dr. Jenny Woo (01:15) Sure, you know, I've always been passionate in human development and very much worked through that from what I call the toddler years to the twilight years, really started in adult development, training, recruiting, you know, out of school, college graduates, grad students, and even senior leaders in the workplace to really understand, you know, how can you get that promotion? How can you be a good leader? How can you get that on that career trajectory that you're passionate about? And from there, taught MBA students as well as undergrads. And then after having kids of my own, and that's also part of the reason why we're talking, right? Why I got into mind, brain, emotion, and emotional intelligence is really, realized, well, here I am teaching adults in the workplace, but realizing that myself, as a mom and at the time it was mom for three kids under three all in diapers, two are twins preemies. I realized, right? So Dr. Kam, when you mentioned, you know, we want to equip our teens with the skills, but we also want to equip ourselves in the context of parenting with these emotional fluency, awareness, intelligence, regulation skills ourselves. So then that really just educated myself at home and so I wanted to learn more, then really pivoted my career into education, was a Montessori school director for little toddlers, to working in K-12, to then teaching at University of California Irvine with undergrads and graduate students. So long story short, I think emotional intelligence is so important yet so tricky because It's different in different situations, but that's the fun part as well, right? Dr. Cam (03:11) Yeah. Yeah. And so let's get into, for people that aren't as like geeky about emotional intelligence as we are, how would you define it to people? What exactly is it? Dr. Jenny Woo (03:24) Yeah, you know, honestly, it's really about being smart with your emotions. But what does that mean, right? So it starts with being able to recognize our emotions. What are we experiencing? And by emotions, I'm not just talking about mad, sad, you know, but the nuances, the precision of what we're experiencing, because if we're feeling lonely, or neglected versus feeling hurt or inferior. Those are very, very different emotions, even though they all come up to feeling sad. So emotions are data. So understanding what that data is telling us, deciphering it into insights and regulating, taking action and addressing what our emotions are telling us is about being emotionally intelligent. And it's also about agility, right? You know, it's impossible to feel happy at all times. And our goal as parents is not to help our teens to be happy at all times, right? Dr. Cam (04:31) Exactly. That is a very unfair expectation. Dr. Jenny Woo (04:35) extremely unrealistic and unfair, and rather it's really about honoring these emotions and even the mixtures of conflicting emotions and regulating and, you know, also within ourselves and within others as parents or as teens with their peers and building those healthy relationship skills and boundaries, right? So that's what it is. It's knowing how to make emotions work for us and not against us. Dr. Cam (05:11) I love that because I think there's so much fear of emotions and I see a lot of parents because they create so much discomfort, their goal is always to get rid of the bad emotions and replace them with positive emotions. And I think we have this misunderstanding that emotional intelligence is always being okay. And what I love what you just said is it's information, it's data, it's really, it's understanding. Anger and sadness and embarrassment and all of these emotions that, like you said, there's such a wide range. And I think our emotional vocabulary is so constricted to like now it's just depression and anxious. It's all here. And there's so many more words that we're not utilizing and really defining to give us that insight in how we use it rather than trying to hide it. So tell me a little bit about how do you see right now the level of emotional intelligence in terms of just the new generation coming up. Dr. Jenny Woo (06:17) my goodness, I have so much to say. Well, you know, so I think, you know, think some of our listeners definitely have heard that we're in this epidemic of loneliness and isolation, right? But I would say beyond that, even before that, and this was just prior to the pandemic, I was really studying emotional intelligence in the academic world around, you know, the trends and the implications and how you can use it as a buffer for mental health. Dr. Cam (06:19) Good. Dang it. Dr. Jenny Woo (06:47) you know, problems. And even then there were meta analysis of studies showing that today's Western college students are less emotionally intelligent than they were a decade ago. And so you guys imagine this was pre pandemic. And so during the pandemic, we've done studies even on the little ones feeding up, right? How are they going to look? five, 10 years later, social, emotional, behavioral, right, skill sets. And, you know, right now what we're seeing trends is that, you know, unfortunately we are in an emotional recession. And so there's data, you know, provided by Six Seconds and also Gallup. I do a lot of speaking in the workplace at Google, cetera, and just did it with Kia, Conde, around how our Gen Z specifically. are really experiencing these emotional turmoil and they don't know who to turn to. And so you guys imagine, know, we're talking about teens when they go to college, you know, as a professor, I have college students coming to my office hour, you know, anxious about their life and their next steps and only thinking, you know, I've got to do this so that I can go to grad school, so then I can get that job, so then I can maybe after a few jobs finally do what I love. And I was like, wow, that is so tiring and draining just hearing you saying that, know, gotta do this, gotta do this, should, could, would, you know. And in the workplace, know, Gen Zs are really experiencing the most burnout, sadness, and stress. That's what we're seeing. And so the question becomes, you know, like, what can we do now, right, to equip our kids? with these emotional intelligence skills, these coping skills, to be able to know what they want, right? Take actions toward it. And also, like you said, stay resilient, understand how to manage adversity in the tough times. Dr. Cam (08:47) Jenny, so many questions are coming up for me when you're talking about this and the biggest one is why? Because we, through the decades, we have learned about emotional intelligence. We've learned about how to express our emotions. We've learned about the power of empathy, especially as parents. So I feel like we're more equipped to help our kids develop emotional intelligence than we ever have in the past. So why are we at a deficit? Dr. Jenny Woo (09:26) Yeah, and you know, this is really sort of population level trends, right? Not to say that ourselves individually, we are doing well. And to our credit, to the parents' credit, we are more involved moms and dads than, you know, how we were 50 years ago. And to the credits of our teens, they are more aware of their mental health needs, right? And they are incredible advocates. passionate for belonging, others, for all the geopolitical issues and activism that we're experiencing. So I don't want to put this in the lens of a deficit, right? We need to focus on strength-based. I think going back to the foundational why, mean, honestly, Dr. Cam, times are changing and they are accelerating changes rapidly. We've certainly gone through the pandemic. We have the combination of social media, the goods and bads and uglies, right? And sadly, economically speaking, our teens are less daring in terms of dreaming up. that they'll move out of the house, they'll have their own house, right? You know, all those things because of the barriers that we are facing today that we're seeing, right? So I think it's more structural, systemic, and know, things that are sort of out of your control in some ways, right? So how do you deal and manage with the uncontrollables? That becomes yet another thing to think about. But I think as parents, we need to give ourselves a pat on the back. It is extremely hard. But I do also have to call out that it's all about modeling too. And so for example, one of the things I've been talking about lately a lot is when we talk about social media or phone usage, these dopamine hits that we ourselves are very much drawn to. I think it's important to understand how we behave and use technology, right, before we say anything else about our kids. Dr. Cam (11:41) Yeah, I agree with that because, and even when you were saying with all the stress, I keep seeing social media having a negative impact on parents and their expectations on their kids and themselves that they're relaying more so often than I see the negative impact directly to the teenagers. I see it through the parents. And I think we're missing that a lot. Dr. Jenny Woo (12:10) Absolutely. I actually just did a television interview around the phenomenon of phobbing. so, phobbing, right? okay. So it's a slang, but now it's in the dictionary about it's phone snubbing. And so when we are so drawn to scrolling our phone, whether it's for recreational or checking our email, that we ignore the person or our team next to us. Dr. Cam (12:16) I don't know what this is. How many? Dr. Jenny Woo (12:37) who is talking to us or maybe sending those social signals, right? That they need a hug or they're grumpy, maybe they want to unload some things, right? Talk about some things. So this fubbing phenomenon, I think it was just, the stats are crazy and that, you know, most of us have been fubbed and we are the fubber. And in fact, it also cuts into marriage and that I think something about 90 % of married couples are saying that, you know, fubbing is really ruining their relationship. And so Dr. Cam, you're absolutely right in that it is not just impacting our teens. We need to shift the view within ourselves and understand how we're, you know, role modeling or not. Dr. Cam (13:23) Yeah, I always mentioned that my daughter's better at managing her tech use than I am with mine. Like it's very, very addictive and you always have the excuse of it's work. You know, it's important. It's like, no, looking at dog TikToks is not work. Like that's just, I can't, right? Dr. Jenny Woo (13:33) Exactly. Right. And we're sending this signal that my work or the dog TikTok is more important and interesting than you. mean, that really hurts. Dr. Cam (13:51) Yeah, not good. It is. It's not good. So let's talk about because one of the things I hear a lot is, ugh, this generation, ugh, they're so wussy. we've made them so weak and we've made them so like they can't handle anything, which upsets me because I don't feel like they all got together and said, hey, we're going to be wussy. They're growing up as part of the environment that they're in. So it's not any, if they're struggling, It's not on them, it's on the environment that's been created for them. So how do we help them become more resilient in a world that is far more, there's so much more stress, there's so much more pressure, there's so much more just distractions. How do we help our kids build that resilience and emotional intelligence? Dr. Jenny Woo (14:43) Dr. Cam, you know, as you mentioned, it's all about helping them to get comfortable with being uncomfortable, right? That emotional discomfort that experiencing. So as parents, our job is not to sweep all the negative emotions. And honestly, you know, a lot of parents say, how do I get rid of the bad emotions? My kids are experiencing all these bad emotions. And my point is, you need to re shift your mindset and understanding that there is no bad emotions, right? The negative emotions are really telling us what they need in terms of help, support, or maybe a different way of appraising, looking at something. And so taking those as cues for yourself, parents, as well as helping our teens understand what is it trying to say and being comfortable almost, you really accept that, you know, it's normal to feel these discomfort from just oddly weird emotions. Like you love your friend, but you're feeling jealous that they, you know, got that, you know, first place or getting a date or whatnot, you know? It's okay to hold these conflicting emotions at the same time. And you know what? It's okay that your emotional intensity at this time is rather high, whether because you're going through something, you're really stressed in other departments, right? So help them diagnose and understand the why behind it and the how, right? Building up those coping skills, right? Understanding what can you control in this situation? What can you not? And can you remove yourself from certain parts of the situation, right? To feel better. So those problem solving skills are also really important at this stage. Dr. Cam (18:25) It is, and it's I think for us, when we get caught up and we're all tired and overwhelmed and stressed, and I think we end up not being able to regulate our emotions very well sometimes. And this is one thing I'm always telling parents. I'm like, until you can regulate your own emotions, we can't really teach our kids how to regulate theirs very effectively. Because if they're seeing us lose it when we're upset, and then we get upset with them for losing it, it makes no sense. Right? So modeling that. So how do we as parents, when we're stressed and we're overwhelmed and we're exhausted, how do we model emotional intelligence and regulation in front of our teens when we just, we're having trouble finding it? Dr. Jenny Woo (19:13) Yeah, you know, we're not perfect. And again, we're not modeling perfection. I think there's some beauty to it and the messiness of being a human to simply call it out. Say, I am not on my best self. you know, say and express it, the why in age appropriate manners because teens, they love to help you problem solve. They love to feel the sense of power. and ability to help out. And that is also an opportunity to help them express their empathy skills without pushing them, nudging them too much, And so just say, I had a bad day at work, I'm not feeling my best. And you can even say, in case something comes out of my mouth, I apologize for that. Or I am not at my best because something had happened. We love your thoughts if you have time, interested, that kind of thing. Make it a conversation because so many times we feel like we're running into a wall when we're trying to pry these information out of them and you get the one word response. You're like, where do I go from there? And so start the conversation yourself. And this is also where we use our emotional intelligence skills to recognize their social cues. Are they latching on to certain things you said? Or do they seem really bored? Or they need to do something else, right? So then you can adapt what you say, what you share accordingly. But really, when we're having a bad day, don't force it, you know? Sometimes it's it's cloudy, know, almost time to rain and that's, the rain's not turning back, right? So you can remove yourself. Right? Just in the intense moments, remove yourself, take a pause and regroup before you go back to, you know, whatever's needed. Dr. Cam (21:15) I always, I tell my daughter too, I always told her that I gave myself more timeouts than her ever, because timeouts were about calming down. They weren't a punishment ever, but they were about like a space to just calm down. And I'm like, I need a timeout. I needed to give them to myself a lot because I wanted to approach it with an even mind and it's very hard to do. So here's one of the things I hear from parents a lot that I want you to address. I have to walk on eggshells because I'm worried that whatever I do is going to set my teen off. Please address that because that is completely emotional intelligence right there. What do we tell parents who are walking on eggshells? Dr. Jenny Woo (21:56) Yeah, and you know, I would say that feeling is absolutely real. In fact, a couple of years ago, the study came out of Stanford that really found that around the age of 13, our kids are almost like less drawn to their mother's voices in a way that's like repelling instead of attracting, right? because of this natural progression toward independence, individualization. So what that means is that they are anointed by you, you specifically, the mothers or really the parents, know, the people who have really been there for them this whole time, right? Dr. Cam (22:34) They are now annoying. Yes. Dr. Jenny Woo (22:46) Yeah, the way you chew, the way you look at them, right? And so you are very much feeling like you are walking on eggshells because anything could trigger annoyance, irritation, or just like one of those like remarks. You're like, where did that come from? Right? So first of all, don't take it personally. It's a developmental period. It's very tough for all of us, right? What you're feeling is real. And so I would lower your expectations of your ability to connect at some times, right? This is really sad to say for the person who came up with conversation skills, right? But we have to shift our expectations and our approach. And instead of, I think at this time, a lot of us are still sort of functioning in that realm where, you know, what's my agenda? What do I want to do? You know, I need to make sure my kid's doing the right thing right now. Yeah, that's not going to work. That's not going to work. You're going to have to change your rhythm to your team's rhythm. And, you know, a lot of the times when they are ready to open up, it's usually the time, say, I find that at like right before bedtime when you are so tired yourself, right? . And they are sleeping later, but you want to go to bed, right? So it's the most inconvenient times. But knowing that, I would really sort of pace yourself and allocate other times that are more, you know, when they're more open to be able to where, you know, it's less about walking on eggshells. They're more open to you. Dr. Cam (24:17) I think too when we were talking about the discomfort of difficult emotions and one of the things, and I'm curious to get your perspective on this because one of the things that I'll tell parents is they need to get comfortable with their kids not being okay or being upset and we're not about not, when we're tiptoeing around them, it's kind of showing, A, I'm kind of scared of your emotions and B, those emotions aren't okay rather than saying, I'm not going to tiptoe around you, I understand that they might upset you and being upset is okay. I'm just, I'm, that's something that you're going to do. You validate that. You say, yes, you're feeling upset. And it's more about setting the boundary of how they can express that to you of what you're comfortable with rather than trying not to get them to be upset. Is, let me, let me hear your perspective of that. Am I accurate on this? Dr. Jenny Woo (25:28) Yeah, yeah, I absolutely, I love that. And thank you so much for calling this out, right? Because, okay, another thing to remember is that emotions are states. They are temporary. They are transient. They're like the weather system. They will go away and it will be sunny again. You know, again, it will become cloudy. So as parents, we need to recognize that, you know, it's not all or nothing or end of the world. If your team is exploding, it will go away. And your goal is to give them that perspective that it will get better with time. It will go away. And honestly, that is how you build wisdom, right? And experience knowing that, you know, maybe an embarrassing thing happened. You, you cringy, you know, like all those things, all those influx of emotions. And they need to be able to express that, irritation, because one of the... One of the developing the best team coping skills, is, which is really our kryptonite is that our teams are great at dumping their emotions, their distress on their parents. Yeah. Yeah. So, yeah. So parents, you're the emotional dumpster, you know, you, you. Yeah. Dr. Cam (26:36) Yeah, safe place. You're welcome. Yeah. It's a compliment. Dr. Jenny Woo (26:46) because they will unload everything on you and they actually feel better in the meantime you are distraught anxious and going and worry like my gosh what are they what am i gonna do do i need to do anything they are you know like feeling upset which in the meantime they're less upset as you're thinking this Dr. Cam (26:49) Right, they've just done what they needed to do. And Jenny, I want to bring that up because I think that's the other big thing because parents are like, well, I'm walking on eggshells because I don't want them to explode because it's exhausting to me. And I think what I'm seeing is the reason that it's exhausting to us is because we feel like we need to step in and fix it and change it. And that's what's exhausting. If we let go of that need, if we go, that's their emotion, they need to work through it and it's okay and I'm here, but I'm letting go of the need to fix it. It's not exhausting. Dr. Jenny Woo (27:43) Exactly. Yeah, you know, like one of the biggest myth that I talk about at emotional intelligence is that a lot of parents and just people in general feel like, I'm empathic, empathetic, you know, I can tune into kids emotions, other people's emotions, I'm emotionally intelligent. That's absolutely wrong, because the other part of emotional intelligence is being able to regulate your emotions and those around you. So in this case, when you become that emotional dumpster. You are holding on to so many emotional baggage of yourself, your spouse, your kids. How can you emotionally intelligent, being emotionally intelligent to be able to sort of unload that for yourself or not carry that recognizing like you said Dr. Camp that this is my emotional boundary. I am here as a holding vessel but it's not my responsibility to carry it forever. So concretely speaking, it is about reminding yourself, these are all my control and these are not my emotions. You know, my goal has been served. I'm here to listen, but that's done. It's their sort of problem to solve, right? Their skills to build situations to understand and, know, building into, ways of unloading your emotion, whether it's taking a walk, doing journaling or treating yourself, right, to a nice massage. Being able to have that menu of syncing up with yourself and regulating your own emotion is about being emotionally intelligent. Dr. Cam (29:19) Absolutely. And a lot of parents will say, well, when do I have time to do all this? I'm so busy. And I say, when you stop spending all your time trying to change how your teen is feeling and trying to fix everything for your teen, you have tons of time to take care of yourself. And then it's something great for your teen because now you're giving them autonomy and the chance to learn how to take care of themselves. And it's like the best gift. But it's so hard for parents to embrace doing less is doing more for your teen. Dr. Jenny Woo (29:56) I love that. Yes. That's what I say all the time. Doing less is doing more. And this includes holding your tongue sometimes by saying less is saying more. And Dr. Cam, you write as a mom of teens and twins, twins. And, you know, I'm like, where is self-care time? Right. And I tell people, don't just focus on the self-caring part because that is yet another obligation. Think about how to enable others to care for you. And one of the easiest thing is to say, you know what, this is your problem. You got, you know, a C or D or you, you know, something you're going to have to figure out step by step. I'll give you the tools, help you, you know, understand how to smart goals, blah, blah, blah. But you need to take that process and take, take that step to fix it. That is caring for you, right? When they are doing what they need to do instead of you. hovering over them, know, nagging, right? That's saying, saying more, doing less, really. Yeah. Dr. Cam (30:55) Yeah, exhausting. Yeah. And I think part of this too is how do we, I think a lot of parents too, they're doing this because they're trying to teach their kids the critical thinking skills and the emotional regulation skills and empathy. But what I see a lot is they're trying to teach them by doing it for them over and over again. So how do we teach? And I think empathy is a big one that parents struggle with because Adolescence is a very egocentric phase. so empathy does not exude from teenagers and parents feel like, my God, I'm raising this kid that has no empathy whatsoever, especially for me. How do we address that in our kids if we feel like they're not developing empathy right now? Dr. Jenny Woo (31:46) Yeah, you know, one of the biggest thing coming out of empathy is really relating to suffering, right? Understanding how it feels like really walking in the shoes and the reality and we, know, Dr. Kim, you also just mentioned that parents doing everything for the kids, right? When you're doing so much for the kids, there is no ways for them to contribute. Contribution builds empathy, but also when you're not enabling them to take these micro failures, I understand as a parent this day and age, right, failure mistakes are high stakes. I understand that, but there are micro failures, okay? Getting a bad grade on a quiz or on a test, it's okay, right? So allowing them to experience these pleasant emotions, having been there themselves experiencing the sufferings and their lens, right, and their world. They're better able to relate to others, to their peers. And this may even go with exclusion, right? You don't know how being excluded feel like until you've kind of felt some of that, right? And the parents, right, even starting young or setting up these play dates, working out the conflicts with other parents of the kids who are, you know, did something, said something wrong, right? Those are paving the way, but your kids have never experienced what it feels like. How can they even begin to relate to others, you know, and help others in expressing those empathy? So again, it goes back to doing less, right, to have more impact. Yeah. Dr. Cam (33:28) I think also being able to empathize with our kids, even if we think it's silly, you know, like if they're coming home with something and they're stressing out, a lot of times we as parents, and I say we because I do this too, we try to be like, it's not so bad or it's not going to, you don't have to worry about it or it's not a big deal. That's not empathizing. That's dismissing. And so they stop, they don't learn how to empathize when they're not being empathized with. I think too, and I think we have to be really very, very intentional on how are we modeling empathy towards them. Dr. Jenny Woo (34:09) Yes, yes, always validate their feelings, right, before problem solving. It might be a small, you know, no deal, like a small thing to you, but it's a big deal in their eyes. And it's important to honor what they're feeling when they feel respected and heard and understood. That's how feeling on the receiving end of empathy feels like. And they love that. They want to help other people to feel that. And also it's not just a dyad type of dynamic where, you know, we're always thinking of either the parent or the teen, but you can also model that, you know, with other people in front of them, whether it's their friends, your significant other, even a character in the movies, you know, even an antagonist in like a story. Right? So being able to really model that in all different contexts will help your team understand how to express it. Dr. Cam (35:15) Yeah, I think it's so important and Jenny, I want to ask you too, because I know and of course I'm on social media all the time too, but I think one of the most ridiculed parent tip that a lot of other people will say is this, like, why do we have to validate their emotions? Isn't that what's making them so weak? Isn't that what's coddling them? And I hear this a lot. And I would love your response, because I work with teens, so I know exactly the impact it has. But I'm curious from your perspective, what do you have to say, not that we're going to convince anyone differently, but I just want to hear from you. What do you say to that belief that recognizing and validating emotions is coddling and weakening our kids? Dr. Jenny Woo (36:03) Yeah, and you know, there's so much actually gendered nuance to that as well, right? We tend to do more of that to boys, right? Because when we validate, we're acknowledging maybe you're weak, right? You can't handle it. And so there's also a cultural aspect as, you know, Chinese American, right? I find that a lot of people of color, you know, families are, you know, suck it up. I am an immigrant. I had to deal with this and this and this. You, you just have to focus on school, right? So yeah, exactly. So, so those are sort of the dynamics that I see a lot. But you know what? As someone who teaches college students, I can't tell you how many behind the door conversations I have with these amazingly achievement-focused driven college students that go all the way back to, well, my parents said this, I can't be happy. I am not enough. And why am I so weak? I should be able to handle it. And they really just keep going and going, not having that emotional awareness of the fact that they need help. They need support. And so this help seeking behavior becomes nonexistent and they don't have that barometer of understanding when enough is enough or when they need to slow down and take a break. And I can also tell you, when I mentioned I work with Twilight years as a cognitive neuroscience researcher, I did a lot of interventions with adults 70 plus. And it was really about their memory intervention, right? How to build strength and working memory, all that good stuff. But what comes up is really this growth mindset of, you know, like, I can't do it because when I was young, you know, I was told and, you know, and dealing with those emotions, again, the mixed emotion of I am getting older, right? But yet I'm getting more mature, you know, sort of just the good and the bad, right? So I would say, recognize, are you doing this only to your sons or also to your daughters, right? And what are some of the upbringing messages as parents that you have heard that you're carrying on to your kids? Is that appropriate? And what's the worst that could happen by acknowledging your kids' emotions, right? What's the worst that could, only the good, right? And we do this to ourselves. We have less self-compassion because we say this. like suck it up to ourselves and we are hesitant to give ourselves credit because we feel like that will make us complacent, right? We do the same thing and look at ourselves, all the anxiety and the stress we're experiencing because of this very same act. So, you know, for those who are not brought up this way, I would say experiment, keep an open mind, right? Yeah. Dr. Cam (38:58) It is so incredible. And I talk to teenagers every single day. And it's exactly that the messages that they're getting if they're struggling is not, it doesn't make them feel better to say, it up, or you can do this or not validate those emotions. It doesn't make those emotions go away. It makes them feel shame for those emotions and makes them kind of hold them in and make them resent. their parents and the people that told them that rather than helping them express and deal with them. So there's a lot and like you said, at 70, they're still have that because that happened when those formative years, which is adolescence of how we form our identity and how we recognize our emotions and learn to manage them. So I think it's so important and I love just just try it because it is absolutely amazing when you do validate. The connection it builds between you and the trust and respect it builds between you and your child too, which is the foundation of everything else you do as a parent. Dr. Jenny Woo (40:20) Yeah, and can I call out something Dr. Kim, you just said that really hit home, Resentment. You said that word. And let me put it into the parenting context, right? We experience resentment and bitterness when we are not being acknowledged by others, people in our family, right? Dr. Cam (40:23) Of course you can. Dr. Jenny Woo (40:43) whether you're a stay at home mom, a working mom, you know, sometimes we go through these motions of doing the parenting role without being acknowledged, recognized and understood like, wow, this is a really hard job. You know, I don't care if you're working, not working. This is really, really hard. When's the last time somebody told us that, right? When's the last time we said that to our partner or being told of that, right? So that fosters a lot of resentment. And this really is the very same effect to our teens. mean, come on homework these days. Like they are crazy. The volume, the sheer volume, the sheer like acceleration of content, right? What's the last time we said to our teens, wow, I cannot do what you do. I, this was not my teenage years, right? So, so being, that is a sign of respect. That is a sign of relating, which is one of the key elements that our teens need right, to feel powerful, to feel understood. And so again, try it, do it, you know, and it's expressing empathy. Dr. Cam (41:48) Exactly. That's where they learn to empathize is when they feel that empathy and validation back. So Jenny, we are up on time. We've gone over, because I love this topic, but tell us where people can find you, first of all. Dr. Jenny Woo (42:03) Absolutely. You can find me on Instagram or Facebook. It's at MindBring Parenting. My tools, free resources are on my website, which is mindbraingemotion.com. And I have a YouTube channel with lots of free life skills for teens, tweens, and kids. And it's at MindBring Emotion. I'm also on LinkedIn. Dr. Cam (42:27) Fantastic. And what is one big takeaway from all of this, because we covered a lot, that you want parents to at least walk away, if they walk away with one thing, what is it going to be? I know. Dr. Jenny Woo (42:38) my goodness. We said so many. I would say, you know, I really like this message of doing less and having more impact. So parents smart, everyone. This is the time to allow your teens to experience emotional discomfort, to struggle a bit to really understand but validate their emotions along the way and give support when it's time. Dr. Cam (42:47) That is wonderful, wonderful advice. second that completely. Thank you so much, Jenny, for joining us. I really appreciate it. Dr. Jenny Woo (43:14) thank you, Dr. Cam. This is so much fun.
About the Show: The Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Podcast is a valuable resource for parents navigating the challenges of raising teens. Hosted by Dr. Cam Caswell, a clinical psychologist and certified parenting coach, the podcast offers expert advice, practical parenting strategies, and insights to help you connect with your teen, improve communication, and support their emotional development. Whether you’re looking for strategies to address teen behavior or improve your relationship, each episode is packed with actionable tips and real-world advice. #ParentingTeens #EmotionalIntelligence #TeenParenting #TheTeenTranslator | |||
| 02 Feb 2021 | No judgment. Just love with ShaRon Rea | 00:30:52 | |
In this episode ShaRon Rea, a Certified Family Communication and Relationships Coach, shares a wealth of solutions to help address the challenges we face raising teens. We also dig into navigating the complexities of co-parenting after divorce. ShaRon also founded the global movement No Judgment. Just Love.® inviting people to “Choose to move beyond judgments that divide to consciously lead with LOVE in your thoughts, words and actions. If you need some encouragement in your parenting journey, you'll appreciate what ShaRon has to say.
| |||
| 27 Mar 2021 | Chatting about homeschooling with Dr. Cam's daughter Lexy | 00:20:41 | |
In this episode, Dr. Cam invites her teen daughter, Lexy, to join her to talk about how homeschooling is going so far. They started this new journey just 3 weeks ago after a lot of hard discussions, tears, and soul searching. Lexy, a high school freshman, speaks openly and honestly about why she wanted to leave the public school system and how she feels about homeschooling (and having her mom in charge of her education). If you and your teens are contemplating homeschooling or struggling with public school, you won't want to miss this episode.
Connect with Dr. Cam (and Lexy) at www.askdrcam.com
If you found this episode with Lexy helpful, please rate, review, and share with a friend. We appreciate the love! | |||
| 10 Sep 2024 | Prevent Teen Drinking and Impaired Driving: Expert Tips from MADD CEO to Keep Your Teen Safe | 00:30:33 | |
Dr. Cam Caswell sits down with Stacey D. Stewart, CEO of Mothers Against Drunk Driving (MADD), to discuss the critical issue of underage drinking and impaired driving. Stacey highlights the ongoing dangers of these issues and the devastating impact they can have on families. She emphasizes that parents play a key role in prevention through open, ongoing conversations with their teens. Stacey encourages parents to provide resources and information to help their children make informed decisions and understand the consequences of alcohol and substance use. Modeling responsible behavior and seeking help if a child struggles with substance use is also key.
WHAT YOU'LL LEARN IN THIS EPISODE
5 KEY TAKEAWAYS FOR PARENTS OF TEENS
ENJOYING THE SHOW? Don’t keep it to yourself! Share this episode and leave a rating and review to help other parents find the support they need. Your feedback helps me create more episodes packed with practical tips to help you and your family thrive! 🔔 Be sure to hit Follow so you never miss another solution-filled episode!
RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE
EPISODE CHAPTERS
CONNECT WITH OUR GUEST: Stacey D. Stewart
CONNECT WITH YOUR HOST: Dr. Cam Caswell
FULL TRANSCRIPT Dr. Cam (00:01.026) The thought of your teen making a life -altering mistake because of alcohol is terrifying. We know that underage drinking can lead to devastating consequences, from impaired driving accidents to the dangerous combination of alcohol with other drugs. But here's the thing, these tragedies are entirely preventable. To help us navigate these tough topics, I am joined by Stacey D. Stewart, CEO of Mothers Against Drunk Driving or MADD. Stacey is going to share how we as parents can address these fears take action and keep our teens safe from the dangers of drinking and driving. Stacey, welcome to the show.
Stacey D. Stewart (00:37.837) Thank for having me.
Dr. Cam (00:39.182) Absolutely, Kaso. I always love starting with a backstory. So what inspired you to get involved with MAD?
Stacey D. Stewart (00:47.544) You know, my whole career has kind of been defined by leading and working in organizations that are doing good in society and doing good for others. It's my career has gone everywhere from addressing affordable housing and homelessness to looking at the issues of public education to public health and maternal and infant health and this opportunity came up to come to MAD and I just thought it was an amazing opportunity. The organization has, you know, an incredible legacy, has done really phenomenal things and is on a journey to continue to address the issue of Indian Peer Driving. And I just jumped on the opportunity to come once it came my way and I've been excited to be a part of the organization ever since.
Dr. Cam (01:35.23) I love that. Thank you for everything you're doing. That's amazing. Making some serious change in the world. That's incredible. Tell me a little bit about what is the goal of MAD right now? Like what are your main things that you're trying to accomplish?
Stacey D. Stewart (01:51.034) So the main goal is to end impaired driving, meaning ending drunk and drug driving. And unfortunately for a lot of people, I think maybe because of some of the success that Matt has had over almost 45 years, a lot of people think that that issue has gone away or we've dealt with it. Some people say, well, we have ride share, we have Uber and ride share alternatives. So why would anyone get behind a wheel and drive? And unfortunately it still happens. In fact, based on the latest statistics,
Over 13 ,000 people died as a result of impaired driving crashes. And about every, almost every 90 seconds, someone is either being injured or killed in an impaired driving crash. And so we still have a major issue for, in this country. And in fact, even though we have seen a 50 % decline in fatalities from the beginning of MADS getting started until just before the...
Stacey D. Stewart (02:49.69) pandemic, during the pandemic, we saw an upswing. So from 2019 to 2022, we saw an increase in fatalities of over 30%. So we began going in the wrong direction. And that's why, Mad, we're, you know, very, very focused on doubling down to make sure that we build awareness around the dangers of, of drinking and, using substances behind the wheel. We also are making sure that young people understand the dangers of underage drinking because we know that underage drinking and substance use can lead to a greater chance of becoming involved in an impaired driving crash. So these are just really important issues that we have to continue to focus on and we can't let up the focus because, you know, frankly, if we do, more people die or get injured and none of us wants that.
Dr. Cam (03:39.638) Yeah, I think as parents, we're very well aware of this, right? And when our kids are going out and they're even before they're driving and their friends are driving, we're already terrified enough, right? I think our kids also know, but there's a disconnect between what they know and what they do. And there's also a disconnect of what we know and what our kids will hear from us, right? And what they believe from us.
So I think that's the biggest thing as parents that we're worried about is how do we convey the severity of it without terrifying them, but also how do we do it in a way where we're teaching them to make good decisions, even when there's peer pressure and they don't want to be the weird person that says, I'm not going to take the ride or no, I'm not drinking. I throw a lot at you because there's a lot.
Stacey D. Stewart (04:31.246) Right. No, that's it. Yeah, no, no, no. It's but you're you're asking all the right questions and touching all the right issues. And I think, you know, Ed Madd, one of the things that we do is provide a lot of information and resources to parents so that parents know how to talk to their kids around the dangers of underage drinking and substance use and then what that can mean in terms of becoming involved in an impaired driving crash. I think it's really important to level set, you know, about There are about 4 ,300 deaths attributed each year to underage drinking in this country. And when you look at, in fact, based on data as of 2021, about 27 % of drivers between the ages of 15 and 20 were killed in traffic crashes and had alcohol present in their system. And so it's really important to understand that these are really serious issues and that if we don't talk to our kids, as soon as we're ready to have that conversation and they're ready to have the conversation, which can be as early as even elementary school, middle school, but certainly by high school, we could be doing our kids a disservice because if they're not engaged in a very positive conversation with their parents, who we know parents are the most influential adults in a kid's life, they may being influenced by some of the wrong things to your point around peer pressure becomes very intense the older that young people get certainly through high school, middle school and high school and into college. so creating those healthy habits is something that's really important. And that's why we created the Power Parents Handbook which is available at mad .org our website. It's available to give parents those tools that they need to know how to talk to kids in healthy and positive ways so that kids understand how to make good decisions and how to make sure that they stay as safe as possible and keep others safe as well.
Dr. Cam (06:34.502) Yeah, I looked through that. It's beautifully done too. It's really, really cool resource. So I will put the link there and I encourage parents to look at that. Let's pull out a few things. Let's say we've got a tween now, right? So they're not driving yet. Hopefully, well, chances are now they might be starting to be introduced to alcohol. How do we start that conversation at that age? What are some things parents can say or do to really build so that we can build upon that. I'll take it older.
Stacey D. Stewart (07:06.426) So I think one of the things that the Hamburg tribes have point out is that it's not even what we say, it's also how we say it. So there are certain kinds of parenting styles and approaches that tend to get young people listening and hearing the message that we have to convey, right? You know, some parents, and this is no judgment on parents at all, because we're all just human beings and we're all just trying to do our best, right? But sometimes that more authoritarian style of like, do what I say and sort of pound the message into the kid and hope they, you know, just kind of seeps into their brain or gets pounded into the brain may work for some kids, but for a lot of kids, it's not proven to be always effective. Or the kind of laissez faire, you know, they'll get it. it'll be fine. And trying to taking it for granted that things will just be okay and I don't really need to be proactive is also probably not the right approach. So the right approach is, you know, I mean, think every parent kind of knows when their kid might be coming into situations where they might be introduced to alcohol or substances. Certainly by middle school and high school, it's really important to kind of sit down with your kids and with a very positive approach, you know, really in a way that's assuming that you trust your young people to make good judgments. Are you know, smart, are growing, you know, young people and want to be independent at the same time. It's really important for parents to understand there is a role for you to be able to say, to help young people understand that substances and alcohol is a substance can be dangerous and to explain how those things can be dangerous, how those things can impair one's judgment, how they can impair your response time and how It's okay when a lot of other kids are doing certain activities. It's really okay to make a choice to say not or to call for help or to reach out for help when you feel like you're in a situation where you may not be able to, you know, get home safely or, or you may be forced to make a decision that you don't want to. It's keeping the communication lines open, making sure that kids and young people know it's really okay to come to the parent, even if you think you've made a mistake.
Even if you think that you're doing something that could be dangerous down the road never hesitating to bring that forward so making sure that those lines of communication are always open I always am amazed at how parents sometimes Will make the decision well Mike I have a bunch of kids over I'm okay if they all drink when I'm here because I'm looking out over them But I just don't want kids going out and drinking well if kids are at your house, then someone else's kid is out drinking at your house. And, you know, the issue for a lot of young people is once they leave the house and they're involved, engaged in some behavior that could be very dangerous for them, you know, how do we make sure that they get home safely? And even though we know that kids are not supposed to be drinking and using substances under the age of 21, they still do. And it still happens It's our responsibility as parents to make sure that not only our kids, but other people's kids are safe too. And we have that responsibility to ourselves and to others.
Dr. Cam (10:33.024) That is so true and it's such a good point that we're like, well, we're keeping them safe, but you're right. I'm not trusting somebody else to keep my kids safe, so I don't want, they don't need to trust me either. And I think it sends a mixed message too going, it's okay to drink now, but not here. And so that's confusing. let's say we've got, and I see this a lot in my practice. We've got kids that are using substances, they're either drinking or they're smoking. They are doing their very best to hide it from their parents because they know their parents don't want them to and their parents have told them not to do it, but it doesn't change them. It doesn't make them not do it, right? In fact, it just makes them very sneaky about doing it. And so then they make choices. So what do we do if we're in this situation and we find out that our child has been hiding that they've been drinking or doing substances? How do we respond to that when they clearly don't have trust in us enough to tell us?
Stacey D. Stewart (11:31.908) Yeah, well, you know, those are tough and those happen all the time. And those are situations that so many of us have found ourselves in where we have to confront a young person about their behavior. you know, I think this is one of the things that's really important is this conversation isn't just a one time thing. It's something that should be done, you know, continuously and continuously using opportunities to engage in those conversations. You know, sometimes it's helpful. you know, if you are aware that your young person might be using substances or may be involved in some behavior, it's just to go back to those reminders of what we talked about and how this could be dangerous and just continuing to reinforce those messages. Continuing to reinforce that this isn't about punishment necessarily, although sometimes that may be appropriate given the situation and that's for every parent to decide how they want to do that.
But I do think it's really important to make sure that young people don't feel like there's some sort of punitive consequence necessarily if they just have made a mistake. However, at the same time, they do need to understand that even one mistake can lead to a life altering consequence, either for them or for someone else. So there's a real balance between, look, I understand you may make a mistake here, something may have happened, but please bring them back to
Remember what your options are remember that you don't have to do this remember that and this is another important point is that I think it's really important to understand that some kids are using substances or alcohol because of You know peer pressure things like that. Some kids are really dealing with Actual legitimate mental health issues and a lot of young people are looking for ways to cope with those things and I think it's really important to remind parents that If your kid is involved in using substance for whatever reason, make sure that you're getting them other kinds of help that they may need. You know, that it's really okay to go to a therapist to talk things out or to have a coach. You know, we just introduced a program called Mad Sports because not only are parents really influential in young people's lives, but there are other adults that really young people look up to. And it may be engaging those other adults in that kid's life who you know will be influential, a teacher, a principal you know, someone that a young person, you know, respects and really engages them and asks them for help. Some parents maybe feel uncomfortable asking for help or asking for assistance, but as your kid gets older, your young person gets older, you know, they are looking at other adults in their life. They are looking, they do have mentors. They are other people that they really look up to. And it's really important. It's, you know, there's this phrase, it takes a village. It's really important to engage all those trusted, you know, could be a member of the clergy, you know, it just depends could be an older family member even, that an aunt or an uncle or a cousin who can sit them down and talk to them and get to them in ways that maybe as a parent you can't. And that's really okay. Use all your resources. those would be just some of the things. But I do think continuing the conversation over time and bringing them back to remember some of these situations, making sure you're meeting your young person where they are, right, is really important.
Dr. Cam (14:48.792) That is key. And while you're talking, I'm kind of like developing this plan or idea in my head that I want to run by you to see if this would work. Cause I want to give parents something really tangible here. So from what I'm hearing, if we're catching and we find out our kids are drinking, probably the not great way to address it is to like get harder, batten down the hatches restrict them from everything and just really get into that authoritarian, you can't do this mode. Because when we do this, we're not addressing why they're doing it and we're disconnecting from them even more, which means our influence is deteriorating even more. Instead, what I'm hearing is, let's go find somebody that they already trust, a coach, a teacher, a mentor, and talk to them and say, hey, I've heard this, is there any, you know, can you have a conversation with them? Then in the meantime, we step back and we start building our connection with them rather than breaking it more. I think with fear, we get this idea that we've got to do something right now. But when we get in that mindset, we make it worse. Do you agree with that?
Stacey D. Stewart (15:55.77) I would definitely say even if you find other adults, again, our research shows that it's still parents who are the most influential. So it is a both and to your point. I think it's the parents really sitting down with kids and trying to, you know, build on that ability to have that open conversation. You know, some parents have different ways of doing it. Some parents talk about the, you know, the challenges they've had in life and how they you know, have confronted some of same things and how they had to deal with it or how they reached out. And to your point, and the point we're just talking about, and finding potentially other adults who can help reinforce those messages, but having that positive, open conversation that says, look, even if you're dealing with some things, there's nothing that's ever too big that you can't come to me, you can't come to somebody else, and we can get you the help you need. And just reminding people, reminding young people the consequences of all of their actions and decisions, you know. We've talked to so many young people who, you know, have regretted if they've been involved with a crash or they've injured someone or even killed someone. And they have to live with the pain of that over many, many years, not to mention the pain that that family has lost a loved one or had some loved one be injured or have some life altering, you know, outcome. What they're having to deal with, which is devastating. And so, you know, I think, again, we can't take it for granted. The other thing I would say just quickly is that I think a lot of young people do not understand, while MAD started as really primarily focused on alcohol, what we're seeing is a growing trend around what's called poly use, the combination of alcohol and substances. So with legalization of cannabis and commercialization of marijuana, It's really, really important. There are a lot of young people based on some of the surveys we've done who really take it for granted that you can be high in drive and it's okay. Some young people actually believe it helps you drive, that it makes you a better driver. And that just simply isn't true. If you're impaired in any way, whether it's due to alcohol, substances, or could even be prescription drugs, you have to be very careful about it. If you're impaired in any way, it really is important that you step back and, make sure that young people understand that if they're impaired, they should not be driving, that it's okay to leave the car where it is, take an Uber, call me, call a friend, but don't decide to do something that could result in something that's very serious.
Dr. Cam (18:39.31) Stacey, what you were just saying too, I wanna highlight, because I think this is really important, is that you're finding a plan ahead of time. Because if we're expecting our teen to be in a state and then think logically about what the next safe thing to do and how to get out of that situation, they're not going to. So if you've got a plan ahead of time, rather than saying, don't do it, we're gonna say, we don't want you to do it. We're gonna be clear about that. But if you find yourself in a situation, even if you're not drinking, but your friend is, What can you do in that situation? Let's get the plan in place and let's talk about that plan over and over so it becomes really easy because our goal is to keep them safe, right? What do you think is a good plan to do set up with our team?
Stacey D. Stewart (19:24.558) Obviously if your teen is going out to a party or going to friend's house, and if you can afford it and if it's available to you, taking rideshare to the destination and making a plan to, to take it back is, is always a good idea. And, know, if you feel like your teen, you know, might find themselves in situation where you think they'll be okay, but you're not quite sure, have a conversation and say, look, Just to be extra safe, why don't we go ahead and make a plan in advance? Or as a parent or adult, let me take you and pick you up now. lot of teens don't want that. They don't want their parents around anything. So ride share can be, Or make a plan to have the older sister or brother or someone who they are not uncomfortable with make that plan. think.
Dr. Cam (20:05.742) I'm gonna come in and get you.
Stacey D. Stewart (20:20.494) Sometimes coordinating with other parents on how maybe a group of them will make transportation plans is always really helpful. know, some teens may feel like this is a little intrusive, but I do think it's going to this place of reminding your kids, look, I care about you and I love you. And I just want to make sure you're safe. And I want to make sure that other people are safe. You know, I have had many of those conversations with my own children who are now 19 and 21. And so I've been through many years of dealing with some of these situations. And, you know, I think what I what our power parents information tries to give you is just that it's really important to make sure that you are responding to what your kids are feeling that you're listening to what your kids are experiencing. And maybe your kids will have a plan that they would like to offer of how they plan to get around safely. That's always a really good option. So that you're building their confidence and their ability to use good judgment to your point. Once they're impaired, it's really hard to make good judgments. That's for anybody, especially true for a young person. So the best thing is to not leave it to a debate or a default or an unknown. Go ahead and make a plan in advance. We have a partnership with Uber and Anheuser -Busch called Decide to Ride. It's really geared for more adults, but the theory is still the same if you're going to a football game, make a decision on how you're gonna get there and get home safely so that you're not putting yourself at risk or others. And the same is true, you know, as your kids start to, you know, go through teen years and are becoming more active socially and certainly into college as well.
Dr. Cam (22:06.05) There's two points that came to mind while you were talking and this is so helpful just to hear it from somebody that's like knows all the data and knows all the facts, right? But I think the one thing is some parents will say, well, if I say, hey, here's what we're gonna do when you're drinking, I'm condoning drinking. What I've seen is that when we actually are saying that, our kids are less likely to drink because we've taken all the fun out of the sneaking behind. Teens have actually told me this.
It's like when my parents understand and help me through it, it's no longer that desire. It's not as fun to do. And the other one is to have them involved in the decision and the plan, because if we just dictate a plan and it doesn't address their needs, like I'm gonna be embarrassed if I do that or they're not gonna do it. But if we involve them and we address what they need, it's much more likely that they're gonna follow through.
Stacey D. Stewart (23:01.188) think parents to again, I want to underscore this point because there was a recent survey that just came out showing that there is a decline in alcohol use among young people. But in some ways, it's being replaced by other things again, being replaced by substances being replaced by social media and other kinds of things that are the young people are using to deal with some of the normal stresses, anxieties, worries, fears they have in life, right. And again, I think it goes back to that point of you know, they, you know, our young people are dealing with a lot, you know, even through the pandemic, think, we kind of take it for granted the kind of, emotional and mental impact that that had on everybody, but especially on young people. And a lot of young people are still dealing with the aftermath of that. It's, it's not, it's a, it's, these are very serious issues. So I think we have to just remind, ourselves that our kids are still pretty delicate. you know, in terms of their physical development, their emotional, mental, social, emotional development, all of that is very, you know, still at a very delicate stage if they're in middle school, high school, and especially. And so it's really important to be mindful of that. The last thing I just want to say about this too is that, and a lot of parents sometimes don't want to hear this, but I think it's important to say that because parents are so influential, again, it goes back to this point of it's sometimes this,
Don't listen to my words, just watch what I do. And we are sometimes modeling the behavior that our kids pick up on. I was just recently with a friend of mine and stayed at our house for a few days. And she said, you know, I really regret the amount of social activity and coming home after work and the drinks and the wine and all of those things almost on a regular basis. What messages that was sending my own children. about the use of alcohol in the house. And I think we have to just be mindful. Of course, at MAD, we're never telling people not to enjoy yourself. And as an adult, you make decisions that you wanna make and you should. At the same time as parents, we have another role, which is that we influence our kids. And if you want your kids to be influenced in the best and most positive ways, not just don't be mindful just of what you say, but what you do think that becomes a very powerful message as parents of how we communicate and help our kids to be as healthy and as strong and able to make the best decisions possible as they grow older into adulthood.
Dr. Cam (25:42.966) Yeah, that's incredibly powerful. I think when you're talking about how teens use substances a lot of times to deal with their mental health issues, right, to feel better, do adults. So when we're showing our kids that we turn to substances and alcohol to make us feel better, we're showing them that that's how they make themselves feel better. And I think we don't see ourselves when we do this as innately bad because we're drinking.
So we need to avoid seeing our kids as being bad for drinking and rather going, why are they turning towards to this as a solution? And how do we together find a more healthy, safer solution?
Stacey D. Stewart (26:27.876) Right. And what's the balance, right? I mean, no one's saying that, you know, drinking, having a drink every once in a while, or is an okay, or any other legal substance may not be okay every once in a while. It's more, you know, if it's on a regular basis, if it's a regular thing in the household, what kind of message is that sending to your point? And how could that be influencing them to make similar kinds of decisions in the future? actually could be dangerous, proved to be dangerous down there.
Dr. Cam (27:00.268) Yeah, it's about using it as a coping tool rather than having a healthy relationship with it, right? Okay. So, Stacey, what is one thing that you really want parents to take away from this conversation?
Stacey D. Stewart (27:16.726) I think the most important thing is parents are the most influential adults in their children's life and that there is a very important role that parents play to influence the behavior, the decisions, the way that your children grow and develop. Parents think about that in a number of ways. Parents get tutors for their kids to do well in school. They involve their kids in all kinds of after -school activities because they want other kinds of ways to enrich and develop their children. The kinds of things that parents, and I'm of a generation where issues around mental health and talking about delicate issues in the household weren't things that parents did a lot of, right? So I had to bear the brunt of not having some of the benefit of some of the resources that we're offering to parents right now. But I think it is a reminder that as parents, it is important to have those what might be seen or thought of as somewhat difficult conversations. What's even more difficult is if you don't have the conversation and that leads your child to make some poor decisions in their life that could hurt them or others. That's an even tougher situation and conversation. So the most important thing is make sure that you're proactively working with your young person to listen to them, to develop that positive parenting relationship with them to make sure that you keep those open lines of communication, to make sure that you're modeling the best behavior, to make sure that you understand that drinking and drug driving is still a major issue in this country. And unfortunately, it's affecting far too many young people, some of them even before they're even legally allowed to drink or use drugs. Therefore, getting to your young person as early as possible with these healthy conversations is really important. And that's what MAD is focused on to try to prevent impaired driving in the future, now and in the future. leverage our tools at madd .org. Our parents program is an evidence -based program. It's been peer reviewed. It's been studied. It has proven to work to help kids make better decisions and keep our roads safer. So that's the most important thing.
Dr. Cam (29:34.284) That is fantastic. will link again to that. And I do really encourage people to look at it as a great, great resource. And thank you guys for providing that. think that's really helpful. So Stacey, thank you so much for jumping on and sharing with us. Yeah, it's wonderful.
Stacey D. Stewart (29:46.404) Thank you. it's so great to see you. Absolutely. It's great to see you. Thank you for having me.
About the Show: The Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Podcast provides expert advice and practical strategies for parents navigating the challenges of raising teenagers. Hosted by Dr. Cam, an adolescent psychologist, this podcast offers real-world insights to help parents strengthen their relationships with their teens and support their emotional development. Each episode provides actionable tips that make parenting easier and more rewarding. #ParentingTeens #MADD #UnderageDrinking #ImpairedDriving #PositiveParenting | |||
| 22 Aug 2024 | Helping Tweens Succeed in School: Parenting Strategies for Academic Success | 00:38:11 | |
Helping your tween thrive academically isn’t just about grades—it’s about fostering motivation, independence, and a love for learning. In this episode, Dr. Cam sits down with JoAnn Schauf, founder of Your Tween and You, to discuss how parents can set their tweens up for success in school without constant battles over homework and grades. JoAnn, often called the Parent Whisperer, shares expert insights from her book Loving the Alien: How to Parent Your Tween. She provides practical strategies to help tweens develop strong study habits, take ownership of their learning, and build confidence in their abilities. What You'll Learn in This Episode
If this episode helped you, please share it with other parents! Also, don’t forget to leave a rating and review—your support helps more families find practical parenting strategies. 🔔 Hit Follow so you never miss an episode packed with solutions! Resources Mentioned in This Episode
CONNECT WITH OUR GUEST: JoAnn Schauf
Connect with Your Host: Dr. Cam Caswell
FULL TRANSCRIPT Dr. Cam (00:00.762) Hello, parents of tweens and teens! As the new school year approaches, prepping our tweens for success is more important than ever. Today, we're diving into some of the biggest challenges parents face: balancing expectations, navigating social dynamics, and setting up accountability for academic success. Our special guest, JoAnn Schauf, is here to share expert insights. Often called the "Parent Whisperer," JoAnn is the author of Loving the Alien: How to Parent Your Tween and founder of Your Tween and You, a resource dedicated to supporting, empowering, and inspiring parents. She’s here to give us valuable tips and actionable advice to help our tweens have their best school year yet. JoAnn, welcome to the show! JoAnn Schauf (00:48.354) Thank you so much! It’s so fun to be here. Dr. Cam (00:50.444) It is! I love starting with the backstory. What inspired you to help parents and their tweens? JoAnn Schauf (00:58.872) This has been building for a while. I was a school counselor when cell phones first became a big thing, and parents were tearing their hair out. It was already tough—tweens were hibernating in their rooms, and parents felt lost because they weren’t as involved in middle school as they were in elementary school. At one point, I had more parents in my office than students because they didn’t know what to do with technology. Then I realized—it wasn’t just technology. There were so many things parents needed help with. So, I thought, They need a book. They need tools and strategies to understand what’s going on with their tweens. That’s how it all started. Dr. Cam (01:49.976) Such a big need! By the time this episode airs, school will be even closer, and parents are already starting to panic. What are some of the biggest challenges they come to you about? JoAnn Schauf (02:15.054) Technology is a huge one. It used to be recommended to keep the family computer in a shared space so parents could monitor usage. Now, we’ve gone from that to handing kids a smartphone with unlimited access, and no one knew the rules. Parents didn’t grow up with this either, so there wasn’t any historical guidance. We had to write a playbook to help them figure it out. Dr. Cam (02:54.042) Yeah, what specific challenges are causing the biggest struggles? JoAnn Schauf (03:01.422) Everything from stranger danger to video game addiction to kids staying up all night texting. Sleep is critical, and if they’re on their phones all night, it affects everything. Parents need to take control, but we also need to think about our own screen habits. If we’re on our phones constantly, we’re not setting a great example. It’s easy to fall into the “do as I say, not as I do” trap. Dr. Cam (03:48.629) All the time. Exactly. JoAnn Schauf (03:51.118) One little device has completely changed how we function as a society. Dr. Cam (04:02.274) It really has. And parents often see it as a negative just because it’s different from how we grew up. A lot of school-related conflict comes down to two things: pressure to succeed and battles over phone use. Parents expect straight A’s in every subject, regardless of a child’s strengths or interests, and they want them off their phones completely during homework. But many kids actually use their phones to help with schoolwork—whether it’s researching online or FaceTiming a friend for support. When we take the phone away, we might be removing their learning tools instead of solving the real problem. How do we find a balance where kids can focus without constant battles over technology? JoAnn Schauf (05:22.318) The key is to avoid turning it into a battle. The moment it becomes a power struggle, no one wins. I encourage parents to collaborate instead of just laying down the law. Saying, “You can only use it from this time to this time, and it stays in the kitchen the rest of the day,” creates a feeling of distrust. The stricter you are, the more they’ll resist. A better approach is to invite them into a conversation: “School’s starting soon. You’ve had a lot of freedom with technology over the summer. Let’s figure out a plan together so we’re not constantly fighting about it.” Dr. Cam (06:01.442) Yes! That’s not just teens—that’s human nature. JoAnn Schauf (06:17.592) Exactly. This approach gives them a sense of ownership. Instead of laying down rules, ask, “How can we set this up so we both feel good about it?” That way, it’s a collaborative solution, not a dictatorship. Dr. Cam (06:31.866) I love that. But let’s be real—many parents interpret “having a conversation” as “I’ll tell you the rules, and you’ll listen.” Why doesn’t that work? JoAnn Schauf (06:50.926) Because tweens don’t want to be bossed around. They’re figuring out their identity, what they believe in, and how they fit into the world. Two things they crave most are independence and autonomy. If you just lay down rules, they’ll resist—even if they agree with you. It’s part of growing up. Dr. Cam (07:31.696) And if they do obey, they’re either miserable or sneaky about it. JoAnn Schauf (07:36.526) Right. That’s why parents need to gradually let go of control so kids learn to self-regulate. By the time they’re on their own at 18 or 21, they need to know how to manage their time, their responsibilities, and yes—their screen use. Dr. Cam (08:12.016) Many parents worry that if they don’t enforce strict limits, their kids will be on their phones 24/7 and their grades will plummet. What’s your response? JoAnn Schauf (08:30.668) Collaboration is key. Say, “I don’t want to be the bad guy. I don’t want your phone to be the source of constant fights. How can we make this work for both of us?” If they feel involved in setting the rules, they’re much more likely to follow them. Dr. Cam (09:03.354) Absolutely. Tweens and teens know their phones are distracting. Sometimes, they turn to them because they’re bored—not because they don’t care about school. Removing the phone doesn’t make homework more engaging. And not all screen time is equal. JoAnn Schauf (09:44.206) Exactly! That’s why it’s important to define what’s allowed and what’s not. Tell them, “These are the apps I’m okay with. Since I’m paying for the phone, I need to see what you’re doing on it.” They won’t love that, but it’s about safety, not control. Parents aren’t spying—they’re making sure their kids are safe and using technology in a healthy way. Dr. Cam (10:39.854): Yeah, so I think this is one of those fine lines you have to walk carefully because I agree with you. However, how we do it makes all the difference. If it's "This is my phone, I get to take it whenever I want," that’s hard because you gave it to them, and they’re having personal conversations with their friends. A lot of the kids I talk to have nothing to hide, but they feel responsible for keeping what their friends say confidential. I’ve had this experience with my daughter, where I said, "I want to look at this," and she got really upset. I asked, "What are you hiding?" It turned out she wasn’t hiding anything. I trust her, but she was worried about her friends. So I think how we handle the phone is important. I want to bring this back to academics because it’s really important. We want to create an expectation for school, but how do we do that so both we as parents and our teens are okay with it? If it doesn’t work for them, they won’t abide by it. JoAnn Schauf (11:58.028): Right, and communication is really important. When we listen to understand our kids, we get knowledge about how they feel, what they’re doing, and what their plans are. The connection comes from listening, not just from telling them what to do. If we’re always focusing on things they’ve done wrong, they won’t feel comfortable coming to us with issues, like if someone is bothering them at school. As parents, it's on us to build that connection, to talk in a way they feel heard and listened to. One thing I really like is giving your child a voice. For example, when we talk about grades, we can ask, "What grades do you think you can earn?" Instead of saying, "I want you to get A's and B's," ask, "What do you think you can earn in math?" If math is their strong subject, they might say, "I can get between a 95 and 98 in math, no problem." But if they hate writing and reading, they might say, "I don’t like language arts. An 88 sounds good for me." The key is setting realistic goals. We can’t expect them to get all A’s everywhere, but if we help them set achievable goals, they’re more likely to succeed. Before school starts, I suggest sitting down with your teen to talk about their goals. The goals should be theirs, not ours. Dr. Cam (15:14.468): Exactly. It’s also important to revisit those goals later in the year because it’s hard to set goals before they know the teacher, the class, or the workload. I’ve seen kids who do really well in elementary school but struggle in middle school because the work is tougher. The subjects become more specialized, and they realize, "I’m great in literature but not so good at science." Suddenly, they’re not straight A students anymore, and they think, "I’m stupid." They give up across the board. So I love your idea of helping them identify what they’re passionate about and where they need to work harder. If they love a subject, they’ll go all in. For the subjects they don’t enjoy, they still have to put in the effort, but they don’t have to be perfect. JoAnn Schauf (16:26.606): Yeah, and you’re so right about middle school. In elementary school, kids can often correct their mistakes to improve their grades. So, if they get a 78, they might redo it and end up with an 88 or 90. That can inflate their grade a bit because they’re getting second chances. Middle school doesn’t offer as many second chances, and the grading reflects that. This is a tough transition for kids, especially when they’ve been successful before. They think, "I was smart last year, but this year I’m not," and that can be a hard blow. Dr. Cam (17:17.024): I see this a lot. Kids' grades start to drop, and they think, "If I’m not getting straight A’s, I’m just not a straight A student anymore," so they give up. This is why focusing too much on the grade can be harmful. If the focus is on getting the grade, kids might do the least amount of work to get it, or even cheat. So, Joanne, let’s talk about how to motivate kids, especially in middle school. How do we help them develop intrinsic motivation without nagging? JoAnn Schauf (18:05.674): One way to do this is by focusing on the tasks that lead to good grades, not just the grades themselves. Ask them, "What time will you do your homework? How will you stay organized?" Many kids submit homework online but sometimes forget to turn it in. It’s about teaching them the building blocks of success: doing homework, turning it in, and staying organized. Without these skills, the grades won’t come. It’s important to reward the process. When they get their homework done on time or organize their backpack, celebrate that. It’s about them feeling proud of their effort, not about us saying, "I’m proud of you." Intrinsic motivation comes when kids recognize their own hard work and feel good about it. Dr. Cam (19:25.284): Yeah, and not trying to please us. I like the building blocks too because as parents, we often say, "Your grades are failing; you need to do better." And when I ask the kids, "What do you mean by 'do better'?" they don't know how to answer. Let's look at what's getting in your way. It's not that they're lazy; they just forget things, like turning in assignments. They don’t think about stuff like that at this age. So let's figure out a plan or try different strategies to see what works for them. I'm not going to tell you what to do because it might not work for you. What works for you to get your homework in on time? How can you remind yourself? JoAnn Schauf (20:13.326): Right. One helpful thing is for kids to realize they have to submit their homework at a specific time. Once they have a plan—doing the work at this time and submitting it at this time—it becomes a habit. All of these things—doing the work, writing it down, and turning it in—become habits. It’s so sad when kids do all the work and don’t get credit for it because they didn’t turn it in on time. They should get credit for their effort. Dr. Cam (20:49.658): Exactly, and I want to add something. One of the worst inventions, in my opinion, is the ability for parents to check grades every second of the day. I think it’s harmful for both kids and parents. Parents start owning the grade, and teachers don’t always update the grades on time. I’ve seen kids getting in trouble for their grades when the teacher hasn’t entered them yet. It creates so much unnecessary pressure and unrealistic expectations. I just wish it would go away. JoAnn Schauf (21:44.266): It really is crazy. Before this, kids had less stress because they didn’t walk in the door and hear, "Why did you get a C+ on that test? You studied so hard, you knew everything. How did that happen?" How can a kid even answer that? So, what I tell my clients is this: make a deal with your kids in the summer about what they want to earn and how their homework will look. Promise that you’ll never open the grade portal. Every week, sit down with them—maybe with brownies or ice cream, or go for a walk—and let them open the portal to show you their grades. When they see it, they can think, "No wonder I have an 82 in social studies. I forgot to turn in that paper when I was sick." Then, they’ll take ownership and ask the teacher if they can turn it in late. That’s what ownership looks like. Dr. Cam (22:56.934): I’m so glad you agree, Joanne. It’s all about ownership. I see it in the workplace too. People complain about Gen Z not having the right skills, but the problem is parents take so much ownership of everything that kids never learn how to do things themselves. We send them into the world with good grades, but they haven’t learned how to earn those grades on their own. JoAnn Schauf (23:26.956): Exactly. When we own something, we take care of it, right? You get a new car, new dishes, or new clothes, and you take care of them because you own them. That feeling of ownership is powerful for kids. When parents don’t let go, it’s scary for them. They think if they don’t manage everything, their kids won’t succeed. But the truth is, kids would probably do better without the constant nagging. Just ask them, "What are you going to do? How are you going to handle your homework?" Let them decide. If they say, "I hate math, but I’ll do it first to get it out of the way," that’s their plan, and it’s empowering. Dr. Cam (24:34.246): I love that one. "Go to the store and get this." JoAnn Schauf (24:39.362): Yeah, there’s always that, "Can you stop what you’re doing and go get this?" But again, it’s their voice speaking, and that’s powerful. Dr. Cam (24:43.878): It’s 100%. I’ve seen that with my daughter. She’s gone from having great grades to struggling, but she’s always taken ownership of it. Now, at 18, she manages everything herself. It’s amazing. She’s better at it than I am now. Dr. Cam (25:22.63): She’s had ownership her whole life, including the responsibility to fail. If things didn’t work out, we never punished her; we worked together to figure it out. Now, she can solve problems on her own, which is incredible. JoAnn Schauf (25:44.3): That’s awesome. You did a great job. Dr. Cam (25:46.852): I’ve been focused on that. But parents have a hard time letting go because of fear—fear of what will happen if they do. I want to put more fear into them about not letting go, because that’s scarier. If they don’t, their kids won’t have the skills they need. JoAnn Schauf (25:56.47): It’s true. JoAnn Schauf (26:10.21): When you mentioned middle school earlier, that’s a great time for kids to experience failure. Failure is an opportunity to learn. If a kid didn’t study for a test, there’s no punishment. Instead, we ask, "If you could do it over, what would you do differently?" They might say, "I would’ve started reviewing my notes earlier." This kind of problem-solving teaches them what to do next time. Dr. Cam (27:32.058): That’s great. JoAnn Schauf (27:32.658): I did a workshop for teachers about "second-tier learning"—learning from mistakes. I asked them, "When you hand back tests, what happens?" They said they just move on. I asked, "What about helping them learn from what they missed?" After that, many teachers realized how valuable it is to give kids that chance to learn from their mistakes. Dr. Cam (27:42.02): Yeah, it’s amazing when they can do that. And when they don’t fear failure, right? If they’re punished for failing, they’ll avoid it and hide it. But if they can solve the problem and learn from it, they won’t fear failure. They’ll be excited to try new things. JoAnn Schauf (28:11.936): Exactly. Trying new things is so awesome for middle school kids. Sometimes, parents just need a reminder that failing in middle school won’t keep them from getting into Harvard Law School. Dr. Cam (28:27.414): No, and getting into Harvard Law School isn’t a guarantee of a perfect life. Not everyone is made for Harvard Law. I think we need to focus on strengths too. Not all kids learn the same way. If they took a history test and didn’t do well, instead of saying, "Go study again," suggest something different—like watching a movie about it, reading a book, or playing a game. They could start learning in a fun way. My daughter, for example, if there’s a Broadway show about something, she’s all in. She knows everything about Hamilton, even if it's not totally accurate. So, let’s find ways to help them learn that works for them. JoAnn Schauf (29:20.782): That’s a great idea. Kids love learning from videos, and hands-on learners need something tangible to connect with. If they didn’t get something right, have them show you what it looks like. They might build a model. The thing is, kids rarely realize they’re a hands-on learner, an auditory learner, or a visual learner. Once they or their parents figure it out, it really helps them learn in the way that works best. Dr. Cam (29:53.956): Exactly. And going back to videos—many kids might not care about what they learn in school, but they’ll spend hours diving into YouTube, becoming experts in topics they care about. If they’re struggling in school, ask yourself: What are they interested in? Are they motivated there? If they are, your kid is already motivated. JoAnn Schauf (30:30.54): Right. I had four kids, and they were all different. One of them really struggled in school. He’s a great kid—outgoing, friendly, with tons of friends—but grades were never his thing. But he was an amazing hockey player, and he loved it. He did well in hockey, so I let him play, no matter what his grades were. My other kids thought it wasn’t fair that he got to play, even when his grades weren’t perfect. But I always told them: “You need to do what you’re good at. Let's celebrate what you’re good at.” That helped my relationship with him because he knew I understood his struggles in school but also wanted to support his love for hockey. Parents should think about other ways to measure a child's success, beyond just grades. Dr. Cam (31:47.802): I love that. We get so focused on grades, thinking they’re the only measure of success. But hockey has nothing to do with grades. Taking that away sends the message that anything else about them doesn’t matter. Plus, if they don’t have time for the things they love, they won’t have the energy or motivation to tackle the tough stuff, like schoolwork. I see this all the time—kids who enjoy nothing because it’s all work, and then they’re stressed and being yelled at to do their homework. It’s setting them up to fail. JoAnn Schauf (32:39.48): No, I agree. When I was a kid, I hated being yelled at. Dr. Cam (32:46.246): I still hate being yelled at. It’s just not fun. JoAnn Schauf (32:50.51): It’s so disrespectful. That’s something I try to help parents understand—that their tone of voice matters. When you’re about to lecture your child because their room’s a mess and grandma’s coming over, they already know if you’re going to listen or lecture after the first couple of sentences. They can shut you out and look like they’re listening, but they’re really thinking about something else, like a new song or a YouTube video. If you want to make a difference, your tone can’t sound like a lecture or “I’m right, you’re wrong, and I’ll tell you why.” That’s my least favorite. Dr. Cam (33:42.346): Right, because “I’m the parent.” But I think what’s hard is we perceive them not listening as disrespect, when really, they’re feeling disrespected and protecting themselves. It’s more about how we perceive it. JoAnn Schauf (33:57.326): Exactly, Dr. Cam. Dr. Cam (34:07.962): So, what are the top three things you want parents to take away from this episode? JoAnn Schauf (34:13.004): First, I want them to understand the value of their child’s voice. Listen to understand them. Second, set up accountabilities for success. Let your child decide their grade goals, and then go over their grades together. Open that portal and hear the stories behind the numbers. Like, “Mrs. Perkins didn’t get the copies made, so they didn’t have to take that test.” You won’t get that from just opening the portal. And third, focus on your child’s strengths. For example, my daughter loved animals—dogs, cats, turtles—she was friends with them all. In seventh grade, I suggested she volunteer at a vet’s office. She wanted to be a vet, but after a few weeks, she fainted while watching a surgery. She knew she wasn’t cut out for being a vet. But it was a powerful learning experience. She could still volunteer in dog rescue, but now she knew her limits. Helping kids find their interests and honing their skills is really important. Dr. Cam (36:24.302): When they’re moving toward something they’re passionate about, the motivation and drive are incredible. But if they’re dragging their heels, they’re probably not following their passion. JoAnn Schauf (36:43.404): Exactly. Thank you so much for having me on today. Dr. Cam (36:47.502): Thank you, JoAnn. I appreciate it. JoAnn Schauf (36:50.956): I just want to mention that I have a book called Loving the Alien: How to Raise Your Tween. Every chapter starts with a story every parent will relate to, followed by strategies and skills to make life with your tween much more enjoyable. Dr. Cam (37:14.426): That’s fantastic. I’ll put a link in the show notes so everyone can find it. Thank you again for joining us, JoAnn. It’s been a pleasure. JoAnn Schauf (37:21.826): Thank you, it was my pleasure. Have a great day
About the Show: The Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Podcast is your go-to resource for navigating the challenges of raising teenagers. Hosted by Dr. Cam Caswell, an adolescent psychologist and certified parenting coach, this podcast offers practical parenting strategies, expert advice, and real-world insights to help you build a stronger relationship with your teen and support their emotional growth. Whether you’re struggling with teenage behavior or looking to improve communication, each episode provides actionable tips to make parenting teens easier and more rewarding. Perfect for both new and seasoned parents, this podcast helps you build the confidence to handle teen challenges and thrive together. #theteentranslator #drcamcaswell #parentingteenswithdrcam #parenting #tweens #academicmotivation #studyhabits | |||
| 04 Jun 2024 | How to Help Your Teen Ace the Digital SAT and Unlock Scholarship Opportunities | 00:38:08 | |
In this episode of Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam, we’re diving into the exciting world of the all-new Digital SAT and how it’s changing the college admissions process. Dr. Shaan Patel, founder of Prep Expert and a Shark Tank success story, joins us to break down everything parents need to know about the new SAT, scholarships, and how standardized tests can still be an advantage—even at test-optional colleges. With over 20 years of experience in SAT prep and helping over 100,000 students succeed, Dr. Patel offers priceless insights to empower both teens and parents on the road to college success.
WHAT YOU'LL LEARN IN THIS EPISODE
5 KEY TAKEAWAYS FOR PARENTS OF TEENS
🎧❤️ ENJOYING THE SHOW? Don’t keep it to yourself! Share your favorite episode and leave a rating and review to help other parents find the support they need. Your feedback helps me create even more episodes filled with practical tips for you and your family! Thanks so much for your support! 🙏💫 🔔 Remember to hit Follow so you never miss another solution-packed episode! 🙌
RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE
EPISODE CHAPTERS: 00:00 Introduction to the New Digital SAT and Dr. Shaan Patel 03:38 The Importance of Taking the SAT or ACT 06:12 The Resurgence of Standardized Testing Requirements 09:17 Preparing for the Digital SAT: Tips and Strategies 14:08 Understanding the Adaptive Nature of the Digital SAT 23:02 The Importance of the PSAT and National Merit Scholarships 25:17 The Role of Test-Taking Strategies in SAT and ACT Success 29:00 Motivating Students to Study for Standardized Tests 32:20 Broadening College Applications for Merit-Based Financial Aid
CONNECT WITH OUR GUEST: Dr. Shaan Patel
CONNECT WITH YOUR HOST: Dr. Cam Caswell
FULL TRANSCRIPT Dr. Cam (00:01.732) Is the new digital SAT stressing you out more than your teen? Feeling lost in the college admissions scramble? Forget the worry and listen up. In this episode, we're going to crack the code on the all-new digital SAT. We're joined by the amazing Dr. Shaan Patel, founder of Prep Expert, the company that's helped over 100,000 students conquer standardized tests and land in top colleges. Dr. Patel is also a Shark Tank success story with over 20 years of experience cracking the SAT code. Dr. Patel will break down the digital SAT, college admissions in 2024, and your teen's scholarship options. Get ready to take notes. I know I’m going to because I have a teen going into college too. So, Dr. Patel, welcome to the show. Shaan Patel (00:32.614) Hi, Dr. Cam. Thanks for having me. Happy to be here. Dr. Cam (00:50.244) Absolutely. So, there are so many questions I have, including Shark Tank, which I love, but let’s just start with your backstory. How did you get into college admissions and testing? Shaan Patel (01:00.806) Yeah, great question. So, I never thought I’d be the owner of a test prep and college admissions company. That was not in the game plan. What happened is I kind of stumbled into it through my own experience. I was a good student in high school but not a great standardized test taker. I had a lot of test anxiety, didn’t know anything about test preparation, college admissions, or scholarships. In the first SAT I ever took, I barely got above average. I spent hundreds of hours studying in the library and raised my score from average to perfect. My score increased by 640 points, which opened up a ton of opportunities for me. I got into some of the nation's best universities, received half a million dollars in scholarships, and won some great awards. When I got to college, I wanted to help other students improve their test scores the way I had. I had unique strategies and methods to share. So, I put together a book proposal for the first SAT prep book by a perfect score student. Unfortunately, I got 100 rejections. If anyone knows the publishing world, it’s tough. So, I took all that material and started Prep Expert. In the first six-week SAT course I ever taught, my students had an average score improvement of 376 points, which is the equivalent of moving from the 50th percentile to the 90th percentile. That led to more demand for courses, and I began training other instructors. Over the past 13 years, we've helped over 100,000 students improve their SAT and ACT scores and secure over $100 million in scholarships. Dr. Cam (03:38.372) You’ve piqued my interest as a mom of a junior looking into expensive colleges and who also struggles with standardized testing. So, let me ask you, first of all, how important is it that kids take these tests? Because not all schools require them now. Shaan Patel (03:39.942) Yeah, there's been a lot of confusion over the past few years about whether students should take the SAT or ACT due to test-optional college admissions policies. There are three major reasons your student should still take the SAT or ACT.
Dr. Cam (06:12.388) Why is there a resurgence? Why is it coming back? Shaan Patel (06:16.07) One of the main reasons is grade inflation. Universities are bombarded with applications, and when a school like University of Texas or Harvard gets 50,000 or even 100,000 applications, it’s hard to differentiate students without test scores. Extracurriculars are another factor. As research shows, valuing extracurriculars can disproportionately favor wealthier students who can afford to participate in elite activities like starting nonprofit organizations or playing expensive sports. Dr. Cam (07:40.388) Right, exactly. And even preparing for it, there’s always an imbalance. I think equity is a big issue, and I like that they’re trying to find more equitable solutions. But it’s still going to be a constant struggle. What are we seeing now? Shaan Patel (08:03.302) Yeah, many listeners may think test prep is unfair due to its cost. That’s a fair point, but there are so many free or low-cost resources available now, such as Khan Academy and College Board’s free practice tests. I even have a book, Prep Expert Digital SAT Playbook, available for $9.99 on Kindle. You can learn elite test prep strategies at a low cost. While one-on-one tutoring may be more expensive, I’m a great example of someone who raised my score with just books from the library. So, I think that’s more equitable than valuing extracurriculars, which often cost far more than any test prep course. Dr. Cam (09:17.572) That’s very true. You’ve said "discipline" a few times, and I think that’s worrying parents. Getting their kids to be disciplined enough to study for this is a real struggle, which is why outside accountability helps. Do you have suggestions for those parents? And then I’d like to get into the digital test, but in terms of encouraging kids to be disciplined? Shaan Patel (09:48.71) Yes, we cover self-control, delayed gratification, and discipline in our courses and books. You’d be surprised that those are actual strategies in a test prep book, but they are crucial. It’s important to turn off distractions—no TikTok, no social media. Focus, study, and practice self-control. Preparing for any exam requires discipline. You have to delay gratification, fail, and improve from it. These are great life skills. What we do in test prep can transition into life prep, helping students develop the habits they need for success in the workplace. Dr. Cam (11:04.132) Those are huge. So, let’s talk a little bit about the digital SAT. What’s changing now, and what do parents need to know? Shaan Patel (11:15.078) There’s a monumental change to the SAT in 2024. For the first time in nearly 100 years, the SAT has gone from a paper-based exam to a digital one. A lot of parents and students may think it's no big deal—just the same test on a computer—but that's not true. There are significant content changes, format changes, and new question types. Students need to familiarize themselves with the new digital SAT. You’ve got to take practice exams and learn new strategies. Unfortunately, materials from 2023 and before aren't as relevant anymore. Parents and students will be pleased to hear that this new digital version of the SAT is the most student-friendly version ever created. The test is now 2 hours and 14 minutes, down from 3.5 hours. Instead of 150-200 questions, it’s now just 98 questions. You can use a digital calculator on all math questions, unlike the previous SAT where there was a no-calculator section. The writing section is now combined with the reading section, meaning fewer sections and less focus on grammar. Plus, the essay is gone, and obscure vocabulary words are no longer included. On top of that, the reading passages are now shorter—just about 100 words on average, instead of the 500-750 words seen previously. It’s already a welcome change for many parents and students. However, I do want to be clear: while the digital SAT is student-friendly, it’s not easier. The biggest change is that the new SAT is now adaptive. This means that the questions will get harder or easier depending on how well your student performs on the first module of math, reading, and writing. The final questions will be much harder to test the upper level of your student’s skills. Dr. Cam (14:01.06) I imagine that goes into the grade then, or the score, because if you're getting more difficult questions rather than easier questions, how does that impact your overall score? Shaan Patel (14:08.422) Yeah, so it's actually a really good thing if you're seeing more difficult questions because the baseline, even if you get many of those wrong, your score is still going to be higher than a student who saw the easier questions. And so it's curved fairly, from what we've seen, at least on the first couple of administrations with our students. But there is a bit of a harsh curve because as I mentioned, there's only 98 questions, so there's less room for error if you're really looking for those top scores or those 99th percentile scores. Dr. Cam (14:43.652) How do you recommend kids prepare for this test? What are some of the key things they need to know? Shaan Patel (14:53.35) The biggest thing is first getting familiar with the new question types, format, and content. So the way you do that is download the Blue Book application. That is the official testing application by the College Board. They have at least six practice tests, at least as of this podcast recording, and they continue to release more. So you'll have a lot of practice material, hundreds of questions just through that. But I always tell parents and students it's not enough just to practice with College Board questions. You also need to learn strategies, techniques, and tips to ace the exam. So for that, I really recommend my company, PrepExpert. We offer SAT courses and books where your student can learn hundreds of strategies that I used myself as a perfect score student, and that we have 99th percentile instructors who teach your students these ways to crack the test—how to read passages and answer math questions in ways you wouldn't learn in a typical high school classroom or with Khan Academy. Dr. Cam (16:07.876) Now, I know this is part of your program, but would you be willing to share one or two of those little tips that we wouldn’t know about? Shaan Patel (16:08.71) You know, one of the words that's always incorrect on the grammar section—this is a really easy one to share—that's why I'm going to say it on a podcast because I think people will remember it. But one of the words that's always incorrect on the grammar section of the SAT or ACT is the word being—B-E-I-N-G. So if your student sees that word on a grammar question of the SAT or ACT, you should automatically mark it as an incorrect answer. The reason for that is because being actually creates passive voice constructions rather than active voice constructions. I'm not going to get into the difference between passive voice and active voice right now, but if everyone just wants to remember the word being is always incorrect. So that's for the grammar section. Now for the reading section, there's another word that a lot of people probably know, which is always. Always is always incorrect. And the reason for that is because always is a very extreme word. It's very rare that something can always be true, especially when you're trying to defend a passage-based reading question. So look out for always on the reading questions and being on the writing questions. I wish I could share a math strategy, but those are a little bit difficult without a visual. Dr. Cam (17:31.396) More complicated. So I want to ask you, Shaan, if your child—and I’m asking for a friend—if your child is not the strongest student but has great work ethic and definitely struggles with exams, can they improve their SAT or ACT scores by learning these skills, and can that help buffer if their GPA isn’t stellar? Shaan Patel (18:05.958) Yeah, those are probably my favorite students to work with. Absolutely. I mean, that’s what we’ve had with thousands of students over the years. Their GPA is okay, but then we just help them crush the SAT and ACT. Usually, they’re not good standardized test takers, they’re below average usually starting. Dr. Cam (18:10.5) I’m sending my daughter over right now. Shaan Patel (18:33.83) But that also means they have the most room for improvement. So we've had students improve a thousand points, 800 points, literally go from 800 to 1500, things like that—really, really amazing score improvements. Now, to your point, it is up to the student to have the work ethic to do the exams, to come to class, to do the homework, etc. But if they put in the work ethic and effort, we typically see—well, I don't want to say typical, but a 700+ point improvement is possible. Typical is about 200 point improvement, but when you start out below average, you do see those larger score improvements. 200 points is more when you're starting in the 1200-1300 range already. Dr. Cam (19:22.212) Right. And then when they're doing this, I think the other thing I see a lot is—even when kids are good at standardized testing—test anxiety is very prevalent from what I’ve seen. How do you address that? Can you give us some tips on how to reduce it? Shaan Patel (19:39.494) Yeah, so one of the biggest ways to reduce test anxiety is just the preparation itself, which is why we have students take a full-length exam every single week in our courses, whether it's a six-week course or eight-week course, on the weekends. They really need to get used to the stamina of taking a two and a half hour exam. They need to get used to what questions they're going to see at what point in the test, how long their breaks are. That reduces a lot of test anxiety just with the preparation. But on test day, a couple things—especially if parents and students are listening and have an upcoming test—one is don't have any caffeine. No coffee, no tea, no Red Bulls in the morning. I made that mistake the first time I took the SAT. That's why I only scored around average. My heart was totally racing. It really messes with your circadian rhythm, especially as a high school teenager. You know, adults are kind of used to it, but as a teenager, I would try to avoid those kinds of stimulants to stay calm. Another big thing that really helps our students, and has helped me when I took the SAT and got a perfect score, is to let go of the outcome of the test. You know, everyone kind of focuses on, "What’s my score going to be? What’s my score going to be? It's going to impact my college admissions or scholarships, etc." But a better way to approach it on test day is: let me focus on one question at a time. I don’t need to worry about what my score is going to be. I’m just going to try to answer this one question that’s in front of me on this screen to the best of my ability. If you approach it that way, what we find is a lot of the stress kind of melts away because it’s no longer this big, scary test tied to your college admissions or scholarships. On top of that, most colleges accept score choice, so they’re probably not going to see your score if it’s not good, because you don’t have to submit it. So that takes a lot of the pressure off too. Dr. Cam (22:00.26) I love that tip for pretty much everything—anything in life. I think this is great for parents too when their kids are stressing out about anything. Take it one step at a time and just focus on that one thing instead of looking at the big task and the overwhelm. Shaan Patel (22:22.118) Yeah, it definitely applies to all of life. Dr. Cam (22:24.516) What else do we need to know as parents about the SAT? And you talk about scholarships too. How can we use this information to help with scholarships? Shaan Patel (22:40.39) Yeah, so a couple of big things. For parents who have younger students who are listening—eighth graders, ninth graders, 10th graders, and rising 11th graders—one of the exams that gets lost in a lot of this is the PSAT, the Preliminary SAT. The reason the PSAT is so important is it’s also known as the NMSQT, which stands for National Merit Scholarship Qualifying Test. What this means is that if your student scores well on the PSAT, they will qualify for the National Merit Scholarship. The big deal about National Merit is there are over 100 colleges and universities across the nation that will give you a half tuition or full tuition scholarship worth $100,000 or more if you're a National Merit Scholar. The reason they do that is they’re trying to recruit National Merit students to their university. I know everyone’s going to ask, "How high does my student need to score on the PSAT to qualify for National Merit?" Well, the answer depends on the state in which you live. The National Merit cutoff scores depend on how well students in your state perform on the PSAT that particular year. In more academically competitive states like Massachusetts, you may need to score around 1460 out of 1520. In less academically competitive states like Montana, you may only need a score of 1300 out of 1520 on the PSAT. But the reason I bring this up is because the PSAT can only be taken one time. It’s not like the SAT or ACT that you can retake. The PSAT is only offered in the fall of your junior year, usually in October. So if your student studies for the digital SAT, it will actually help them with the digital PSAT, because these exams are nearly identical in the digital format. The PSAT just has easier question types. I always encourage parents and students to start prepping for the digital SAT earlier, in ninth to 10th grade, so that by October of 11th grade, they’re ready to crush that PSAT. And literally, they could earn $100,000 scholarships with one two-hour and 14-minute exam, which isn’t even the SAT or ACT, it’s the PSAT. Dr. Cam (25:20.164) That’s amazing. It gives them some insight into what their strengths are and what they need to work on for the SAT too. I imagine there’s a lot of unknowns when it comes to that. One of the things too—it sounds like it’s not just about intelligence and academics—but it also sounds like a big piece of it… and I’m not sure if you know this… is knowing how to...
Shaan Patel (25:33.222): Yeah, it's a great way to get a baseline. Dr. Cam (25:49.444): How much of the test is about academic knowledge and how much is about preparation—learning to take the test? Shaan Patel (26:04.102): It's probably 80% about how to take the test and 20% about the knowledge. Most students do well in their high school math and English classes—they're A or B students. But when it comes to standardized tests, they usually score around average, just below, or just above it. There are very few naturally good standardized test takers. The way the information is presented, the wording of the math questions, and how the passages are structured are different from what students encounter in their typical high school classrooms. I don't fault math or English teachers for not teaching to the test, but it is the student's responsibility—and the family's responsibility—to understand that this first assessment is significant. If your student plans to go to grad school, they’ll face exams like the MCAT, LSAT, GRE, or GMAT. It's in your best interest to learn how to do well on these exams early so you're prepared for future ones. Dr. Cam (27:28.708): That's great. Now, for parents who are listening and want their child to do this but the teen isn't sold on it—maybe they're burnt out or unsure about their future—do you have advice on how parents can help trigger that motivation? Because we know it has to be intrinsic. We can't just push them, right? Shaan Patel (28:02.502): That’s a great question. I actually have a strategy in our PrepExpert courses and books called Harness Self-Motivation. Your parents are an external motivator, which is helpful, but internal motivation is far more effective. So how do you develop that internal motivation? I tell parents and students to identify their "why." Why do you want a high SAT or ACT score? No one wants a high score just for the sake of having one. You might want to get into a specific college, earn scholarships, or qualify for college athletics. My "why" in high school was to get into competitive medical programs, which required high SAT scores. That gave me the motivation to study hundreds of hours when I didn’t want to. So, I’d encourage parents to help their child identify their own "why"—whether it's a college, a scholarship, or something else. There are a million reasons to work hard on these tests, and the key is helping them find the one that resonates. Dr. Cam (30:10.372): What’s really key here is that it's the teen’s "why," not the parents'. We get caught up in our own motivations because they’re clear to us, but when we try to impose them on our teens, we miss tapping into what motivates them. With my teenager, for example, she found a school she absolutely loves. For a child who loves school but isn't traditionally studious, that became a huge motivator. She envisions herself there and is now asking, "What do I need to get in?" It’s amazing how much that sparked her drive. Shaan Patel (31:18.342): Yes, visualization is important. I actually have students write down not just the SAT or ACT score they want, but also the college they aim to get into and how many scholarships they hope to earn. It helps them feel a sense of accomplishment even before it happens. Often, they achieve those goals. Dr. Cam (31:45.732): That’s incredible. What else should parents know that we haven't covered yet? Shaan Patel (31:51.846): I don’t want parents of 11th and 12th graders—especially those who missed the PSAT—to feel discouraged about scholarships. There are billions of dollars in scholarships still available. One mistake I see high-achieving students and parents make is only applying to Ivy League schools. While those are prestigious, they don’t offer merit-based financial aid. If you don’t qualify for need-based aid, you’ll be expected to pay the full tuition, which now runs $70,000–$80,000 a year. However, if you look just below the Ivy League schools, many top 20 and top 50 universities offer merit-based financial aid, including half and full tuition scholarships. Often, you don’t even have to apply separately. If you have a great student with solid grades, test scores, and extracurriculars, they’ll offer scholarships to encourage you to attend. So, I’d advise parents to broaden their college applications and target schools that are offering significant scholarships. This can make a huge difference in avoiding student debt. Dr. Cam (33:53.028): That’s excellent advice. Student debt is crippling recent graduates, and avoiding that is crucial. Shaan Patel (33:57.638): Yes, student debt is nearing $2 trillion, and the average cost of college is around $200,000. When we help students with their test scores, it's not just about college admissions—it’s about reducing the cost of college. My favorite part is when parents email us saying, "We just got a full tuition scholarship worth $250,000!" or "We received a $100,000 scholarship." That’s why I’m on a $1 billion scholarship mission. Over the last 10 years, PrepExpert students have earned $100 million in scholarships. But over the next decade, I want to help students earn $1 billion, so they don’t have to go into massive debt. I used to think just getting into the best university was the goal, but now I believe it's better to attend a more cost-effective university. College is still valuable, but you don’t want to get buried in debt because of it. Dr. Cam (35:37.38): I love that. That’s really important advice. How can people find you and work with you? Shaan Patel (35:42.47): If you have a child in 8th through 12th grade, you can find our SAT and ACT courses online. They’re available to students across the United States. We also offer one-on-one tutoring and college admissions consulting. You can find all of that at PrepExpert.com (spelled P-R-E-P-E-X-P-E-R-T.com). We have books, courses, consulting services—everything you need. I teach some courses myself, and I’m excited to help many of the families listening today. Hopefully, some of your students will enroll in our digital SAT or ACT courses, and we hope to help you win scholarships! Dr. Cam (36:45.828): I love it. You’ll definitely be hearing from me. Thank you so much for being on the show, Dr. Patel. Shaan Patel (36:53.446): Thanks, Dr. Cam. This was a great conversation.
ABOUT THE SHOW The Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Podcast is your go-to resource for navigating the challenges of raising teenagers. Hosted by Dr. Cam Caswell, an adolescent psychologist and certified parenting coach, this podcast offers practical parenting strategies, expert advice, and real-world insights to help you build a stronger relationship with your teen and support their emotional growth. Whether you’re struggling with teenage behavior or looking to improve communication, each episode provides actionable tips to make parenting teens easier and more rewarding. Perfect for both new and seasoned parents, this podcast helps you build the confidence to handle teen challenges and thrive together. #theteentranslator #drcamcaswell #parentingteenswithdrcam #SATPrep #TeenMotivation | |||
| 15 Apr 2025 | Sibling Rivalry, Birth Order & Fairness Fights: What Every Parent of Teens Needs to Know | 00:40:10 | |
Ever feel like your kids are growing up in totally different households—even though they share the same last name and dinner table? Your oldest follows all the rules, your middle child avoids conflict like it’s their full-time job, and your youngest? Total chaos with a side of charm. In this episode, Dr. Cam sits down with Dr. Kelly Jameson, a therapist, speaker, and expert on birth order psychology and sibling dynamics, to decode what’s really going on behind your kids’ clashing personalities—and what to do when fairness feels impossible. If you’ve ever second-guessed how you parent each child (spoiler: you're not imagining it), this episode is packed with eye-opening truths and practical solutions. WHAT YOU'LL LEARN IN THIS EPISODE
🎧❤️ ENJOYING THE SHOW? Don’t keep it to yourself! Share your favorite episode and leave a rating and review to help other parents find the support they need. Your feedback helps me create even more episodes filled with practical tips for you and your family! Thanks so much for your support! 🙏💫 🔔 Remember to hit SUBSCRIBE so you never miss another solution-packed episode! 🙌 RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE CONNECT WITH OUR GUEST: Dr. Kelly Jameson Website: drkellyjameson.com Instagram: @drkellyjameson CONNECT WITH YOUR HOST: Dr. Cam Caswell Website: AskDrCam.com Instagram: @DrCamCaswell YouTube: Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Facebook: @DrCamCaswell EPISODE CHAPTERS: 00:00 Understanding Birth Order Dynamics 06:11 Sibling Rivalry and Parental Attention 08:47 Navigating Fairness in Parenting 12:38 Intervening in Sibling Conflicts 18:05 Supporting Siblings Through Challenges 20:39 The Dynamics of Sibling Relationships 24:49 Navigating Sibling Rivalry and Conflict 29:36 Understanding Birth Order and Its Impact 32:35 Tailoring Parenting Strategies by Birth Order 39:45 Key Takeaways for Parents ABOUT THE SHOWThe Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Podcast is your go-to resource for navigating the challenges of raising teenagers. Hosted by Dr. Cam Caswell, an adolescent psychologist and certified parenting coach, this podcast offers practical parenting strategies, expert advice, and real-world insights to help you build a stronger relationship with your teen and support their emotional growth. Whether you’re struggling with teenage behavior or looking to improve communication, each episode provides actionable tips to make parenting teens easier and more rewarding. Perfect for both new and seasoned parents, this podcast helps you build the confidence to handle teen challenges and thrive together. #birthorderpsychology #siblingrivalrytips | |||
| 28 Jan 2025 | How to Talk Politics with Your Teen in Today's Charged Climate | 00:23:34 | |
In this episode, Dr. Cam Caswell and Lindsay Cormack discuss the challenges of engaging teens in political discussions, the decline of civics education, and the importance of fostering critical thinking and open dialogue. Lindsay, author of How to Raise a Citizen, shares her insights on how parents can guide their children through the complexities of political discourse and media literacy. They emphasize the importance of parents modeling engagement, curiosity, and empowering their teens to become informed, responsible citizens in today's fast-paced media environment.
WHAT YOU'LL LEARN IN THIS EPISODE
5 KEY TAKEAWAYS FOR PARENTS OF TEENS
🎧❤️ ENJOYING THE SHOW? Don’t keep it to yourself! Share your favorite episode and leave a rating and review to help other parents find the support they need. Your feedback helps me create even more episodes filled with practical tips for you and your family! Thanks so much for your support! 🙏💫 🔔 Remember to hit Follow so you never miss another solution-packed episode! 🙌
RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE
EPISODE CHAPTERS 00:00 Navigating Political Conversations with Teens 02:29 The Decline of Civics Education in Schools 04:32 The Importance of Open Political Discussions 06:31 Building Critical Thinking Skills in Teens 10:08 The Role of Media Algorithms in Political Views 12:49 Encouraging Curiosity and Open Dialogue with Teens 15:54 Essential Knowledge for Young Citizens 18:14 Fostering Critical Thinking and Listening Skills in Teens 21:21 How Parents Can Empower Teens to Engage in Politics
CONNECT WITH OUR GUEST: Lindsay Cormack Website: www.howtoraiseacitizen.com Facebook: @lindsey.cormack Instagram: @howtoraiseacitizen LinkedIn: Lindsay Cormack X: @DCInbox
CONNECT WITH YOUR HOST: Dr. Cam Caswell Website: AskDrCam.com Instagram: @DrCamCaswell TikTok: @the.teen.translator YouTube: Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Facebook: @DrCamCaswell
FULL TRANSCRIPT Dr. Cam (00:01) Have you ever tried talking politics with your teen only for it to spiral into a heated argument or leave you wondering where in the world are they even getting these ideas? It's frustrating when their opinions feel so different from your own and you may worry that they are heading down the wrong path. But no matter how hard you try to tuck reason into them, nothing seems to get through. This sounds familiar, you're not alone, and we are going to talk about that I have Lindsay Cormack, an associate professor of political science with me today. And Lindsay specializes in helping teens think critically and engage thoughtfully with the world around them. She's even written the book on it, How to Raise a Citizen. Lindsay is here to share practical strategies to turn those tricky political conversations into meaningful and even peaceful discussions. Welcome, Lindsay. Lindsey Cormack (00:50) Thank you so much for having me. I'm looking forward to talking with you. Dr. Cam (00:53) Yeah, I'm happy to have you here. So tell us first of all, I love the backstory. What got you interested in talking politics, particularly with our kids? Lindsey Cormack (01:02) Well, I've been a college professor for 10 years and I work at a school that primarily serves engineering students called Stevens Institute of Technology in Hoboken, New Jersey. We do plenty of other things, but that's our general population. And so I have these students who are so bright and they're so good at doing school and they go on to like really great careers. But something that I've found as someone who teaches political science is that they come in really not knowing very much. They don't really understand how the government is set up. They don't know what their own powers are in it. And this is something where at first I thought like, you maybe that's just particular to engineering students. But, you know, after a decade of looking at that and talking with other people and doing research on, you know, how much our 18 year olds actually know, I've come to realize like it is a nationwide problem. We graduate most of our high school students without a rudimentary understanding of the government system that they're in. And so this became a project for me because I don't want college kids to feel not powerful. I don't want them to feel jaded already. I don't want them to feel turned off by a system because I know that say what you will about US democracy. It's one of the best decision-making frameworks that's ever existed in the history of the world. And our children will do better if they understand that system. So that's what got me inspired and involved to do it. I didn't know when I set out that this was going to be a parenting book. I thought this might be a book that was like, here's how some states do it, here's how other states do it. But in the course of researching it, I realized no state is doing it that well. And if we want to change things, we're really going to have to start in another level, and that's going to be in the home. Dr. Cam (02:24) Why do you think that kids aren't as informed now about, or have they ever been informed about how the government works? Lindsey Cormack (02:39) So it's a really hard question. It's not like there was this golden era of time where everyone was all conversant on how government ins and out were. That's not real. But it was the case that we did have more civics instruction time in our schools, and that has been decreasing over my lifetime, your lifetime, my mom's lifetime, and so it's been going down from the 1940s onwards. And so we are at this place now where if you look at test scores of eighth graders on their sort of like civic readiness, they are the exact same now as they were in 1998. And so the people who are in charge of parenting today are, you know, no smarter, no better. But I think a lot of us are all really frustrated and it's like, okay, well, if we haven't made any gains in how we're teaching you, we probably need to do something else because we see these same sort of results time after time where the adults in the room now, we can say we're going to prioritize this in a different way. So it is, it is the lowest that of all the classroom things, it is the one that gets the least amount of curricular time. And part of that trade off is STEM. Part of that is sort of this idea that we're going to be pushing other things into a day. And so it's not like there was a golden era, but we know that it's down versus the past and we were seeing the results in our indicators. Dr. Cam (03:33) Well, I'm wondering too, because the world obviously is very polarized right now when it comes to politics. And I know my daughter was talking about it she was taking a government class and she was so excited about talking. And my daughter is one of these kids that have been watching the news since she was like little. I don't even watch the news as much as she does, but she loves it. So she was so excited to go in and talk about it. And they would not talk about the current election going on right now because it was too politically divisive. And, you know, I think that right there is a signal of are we focusing on the wrong thing? Lindsey Cormack (04:32) Okay, so that is like something I hear all over the country is, and you know, and I kind of have a lot of thoughts on why that is the case, but here's the thing. We only get like four or five elections with our kids until they become voting eligible citizens themselves. And so we really only get like four or five windows of training opportunities. And if we say like, you can't talk about this, we can't learn about this, we can't think about this, then we're really sort of hampering their ability to do this when they're older. And we see this, we see this in sort of the data on like who's registered to vote, who turns out to vote, who sort of knows things. Everyone's playing catch up from the time they're like 20 to 60, and then they have 20 years where they're like in their like, you know, really powerful political place, and it probably shouldn't be like that. But I understand why schools have been hard sites to do this work in. I mean, part of it is to blame with ourselves. When we were doing the research for this book, we interviewed teachers in nearly every US state. And something that we heard throughout the country is that teachers operate in sort of a constrained environment where they're afraid to say the wrong thing. because then someone's gonna go home, tell a parent, that parent's gonna get mad, they're gonna email them, or the principal, or they're gonna have, know, the whole PTA gets mad. And so they're in a tricky position. And it's not that I don't think they can do this work. I think there's plenty of really good social studies teachers out here who can do this work. But I understand that their incentives are not always aligned to kind of get into that hard stuff because they don't want it to blow back. Dr. Cam (05:51) Yeah, that's really hard. And I think too with, and one of the things that I've heard with a lot of parents actually is that not that their kids don't know about it, but they have very strong opinions about everything that's going on because they're bombarded on social media and everywhere else with news without the critical thinking that goes along with it. And so they form these very strong opinions and then they get into arguments with their parents because the parents are like, I don't agree with that opinion. So how do we help our kids who are getting tons of information? How do we help them think about it critically? Lindsey Cormack (06:31) Yeah, this is a really hard and important question because the sort of media environment that our children and ourselves are in and kind of what it looks like we're going to be in for the foreseeable future is one where information comes at us and its job is sort of to persuade us by looking compelling. It doesn't necessarily have to be credible by like, understand who's writing this. I understand who funded this. It's just like, is it sleek enough to like trigger the parts of my brain to say like, that person knows what's happening or this is the right way to think about that. And so that's like a really hard environment for children to be raised in because they don't have any other assessment tools at their disposal. They're not having to grapple with like finding a different book or trying to figure out who's funding things. And so I think it's one of the very important things that we do as parents is to make sure that we don't just denigrate the stuff they're seeing because it's not like everything they're seeing is garbage, but it is to engage in it with them. And so something that I ask my daughter, I have a 12 year old who has like limited time to see things that I don't see. But I do ask her, I'm like, what are you hearing on this? What are you seeing on this? And then if it's something where she'll show me like Pinterest, I guess Pinterest is social media in its own way now. She'll show me like, here's what it is. And I think it's important for us to see it too instead of just missing it out of hand because it's not likely that we're gonna see the same things kind of ever. Our algorithms are just so different. Yeah. Yeah. Dr. Cam (07:42) Yeah, we're on different sides of everything on social media, right? I love this. We see something that our kids are looking at and it is true. Like there's algorithms that'll feed them all kinds of stuff based off of one search. So they can go down rabbit holes that might go down very narrow opinionated places. And when you're on social media and that's all you see, it becomes what you believe everyone believes. How do we have conversations with them when they are like, this is what I see, this is what everyone is saying, because it's everyone in their feed is saying, how do we start that conversation to help break that down without shutting them down? Lindsey Cormack (08:27) Yeah, because we don't want them to feel like defensive. We want to like, you know, legitimate the things that they're coming to us with because we want them to keep coming to us. Something that I think is really important that's kind of tied up in all of this is a basic literacy in sort of like digital media. And I think it's sort of boring to kids, but we have to remind them, we have to let them know that they are seeing things. that whoever's putting in front of them believes it's gonna keep their attention or it's going to let them disassociate in a way where they can stay there and tell an ad place. And so we have to ask themselves, what are we doing here? What is it that keeps us here and why is it that this tool exists in the first place? We're not paying for this tool, so something else is being traded. it's your attention. it's the insights on what you're watching. So making sure that they understand the ecosystem that they're playing in and what they are, I think that's part one. But part two can be something that's maybe harder to do in a one day setting, but in a longer timeframe, is thinking about what you would see if your algorithm was different. And I'll give you an example that I did in my class. In my classroom this last year, I said to the kids, you know what, let's start two fake Instagrams. We're gonna start one with the seeds of some conservative words, we're gonna start one with the seeds of some liberal words. And I let them pick the list. I said, you guys pick one. And then at the end of class on Thursdays, we would watch about eight minutes of Instagram and see like, okay, what's happening on the liberal Instagram, what's happening on the conservative Instagram. And never once was there anything that was the exact same. Never once did we see the same content at all. And so I was like, okay, so we understand that we would be operating in different environments if this is what we saw before bed when we were scrolling or this is. It's just a different world. And because there's no crossover, it's just important that they sort of understand that blind spot that everyone has. It's not something that's particular to children. It's kind of particular to our entire media environment. No one's getting the same configuration of things. And so that's like part one is make sure they have to like have a full understanding of that. It's not everyone. It's everyone who's kind of like them. But even then, it's very individualized. Dr. Cam (10:18) Well, I think this is true for adults, quite frankly. And I'm not, I'm saying me too. Like we definitely feed in and we've got the confirmation bias where we're looking for things to confirm what we already believe. So it's very difficult for us to hear things that are different coming from our teens because we're very strong and solid in what we believe. And we want our kids to believe what's right, which is what we believe. Right? No? Lindsey Cormack (10:46) I mean, that's what we think. I I understand the whole enterprise of having more children or having children at all is like, hooray, I can like make more of me. I can like understand the world. They'll understand it in a similar way. But I actually don't think in political terms, I don't think that that necessarily should be the goal for two big reasons. Dr. Cam (10:53) I agree with you. I'm just saying that's, I think that's a lot of the straight. Yep. Lindsey Cormack (11:06) We want them to have the same values as us. Like that's why we decided to like let them live in our house for 18 years. Like hopefully they like take some of the ways that we see the world. But I think politically it's like it's kind of a fool's errand because if you look at the best social science research on this, it's about a coin toss that you can get a kid if you're like, you know, I'm a Democrat and I want to raise a little Democrat or I'm a Republican. I want to raise a little Republican. It's about 50 percent of the time that you'll get that. And if you push too hard, you risk either alienating them from the political process altogether. And they say like, I don't want to do this or. They say, you know what, I'm gonna rebel and I'm gonna be a Democrat or I'm gonna be Republican, whatever you're not. It also just doesn't really make sense because we know that the parties and the ideologies and the personalities are fluid and changing. And so the party that served you in your time that you were like a teenager or 20 and 30s might not be the one that serves or resonates or speaks to them. That's okay. Like that's okay. Both parties have strengths. Both parties have weaknesses. There's not one that's better than the other. That's why we have like a very persistent two party solution to what we're doing here because they both kind of like work in different ways. Dr. Cam (12:07) Yeah, I have found actually because my daughter loved, like she has been waiting to vote. She finally voted this year. She's been waiting to vote for years. I don't know what kids do that, but it's what I love is, is because of her curiosity, it's creating more curiosity in me. And so I'm actually learning more about the different sides because we're talking about them. So it's opening doors for me. Lindsey Cormack (12:18) That's great. Dr. Cam (12:36) because I'm allowing that curiosity of hers to come in rather than saying this is what it is. I'm like, you know, I've never thought of that. Let's go look at what that is. And it's been really eye opening in a lot of ways. Lindsey Cormack (12:49) Yeah, that makes a ton of sense to me. This is something, so the book that I wrote is called How to Raise a Citizen and Why It's Up to You to Do It. And the why it's up to you to do it is like, okay, parents, sorry, you gotta take this on. And when I'm talking with parents who have done this work and they start these conversations with their kids, they're like, I'm learning stuff too. I feel like I'm being raised as a citizen. I'm like, yeah, that's what's gonna happen. That's what discussion does. We give and take and we get different pieces. And I think you must, I mean, you know as a parent, you know as a professional in this space. Doing stuff with kids teaches us things about ourselves. It reflects things to us, it shows us stuff, and so it's always helpful. And the idea that this is a topic that's off limits or maybe they're not gonna be interested in, that's just not true. We just don't really give them a lot of opportunities to engage on it with us. Dr. Cam (13:32) Yeah, I think that's really important. you recommend watching the news with your kids? Lindsey Cormack (13:38) You know, everyone has different strategies here. I don't do that. But I don't say it's like a bad thing to do. I think the best thing you can do is make sure that you are dialed in and have an open line of communication so you understand what they are watching or if something's concerning them. It's not a practice in my house to have the news on. It would have been when I was like maybe younger with my dad. But yeah, that's not something I say like, yeah, you need to make sure you're doing that. Dr. Cam (14:04) Yeah, okay. I was just wondering if that was a good place to start the conversation. How do you recommend having those conversations with our kids? Because teenagers especially are going to be like, I don't want to talk about that with you. Lindsey Cormack (14:09) You gotta go to wherever they are. I think you have to let those entry points happen. And a lot of times, you're right, your teen isn't gonna wanna do that. And so a good time to do it is when you're not facing them head on, but when you're side by side. So that can be on a car commute. So you might have a radio on that says something, or it can be on a walk where you say, hey, have you heard anything about this? And sometimes you'll have stuff that your school's gonna send home. For instance, our school sent home stuff about a school shooting that happened in another state. And I was like, okay. There's an opportunity, I imagine that they might be talking about it. And so it's just sort of finding those entry points that make sense. Like if you had asked me, you know, like last year, should I talk to my kids about what's happened in Israel? It would be like, well, you know, if that's something that's gonna be in your community, if that's gonna be a conversation that's gonna happen, yeah, you don't wanna be the off limits person. But if you have like a five year old and you're not, know, in a community that's gonna have any sort of relation to this, I'm not sure that it makes sense to say like, hey, just so you know, this horrific, scary thing happened that you have no control of. Like, yeah, so you know your kids best, you gotta go where they're going, you have to understand what they wanna get into and not try to push something into it, because that's not what they wanna do. Dr. Cam (15:20) And I think with teenagers, it's interesting, a good place to start is just what have you heard about it? Because chances are really, really, really high. They've heard something. They may not understand it, but they've definitely heard something. And so being able to kind of correct that or not even just correct it, but just start there and go and let's explore that together and figure that out. What do we need to teach kids in order for them to be what do you think is the most important things for kids to understand? Lindsey Cormack (15:59) So I have five in the book that I say before your kids can get out and I can do them quickly with you. The first is that your kids need to know how to vote. And you might say like, they're going to learn it in schools. On average, they don't. In 2022, only a quarter of our 18-year-olds are registered to vote. So that is the thing that unlocks every other thing. Second thing is they need to understand the difference between primaries and general elections. And I know this sounds like it's kind of in the weeds, but in most parts of the country, and I mean this in the overwhelming majority of elections, the person who wins that primary is gonna win that election. We have very few competitive elections at the general election, so if you really care about who's gonna have this seat, it's usually gonna be decided in a primary, so they have to know that. I think they all should have read the Constitution at least once before they are 18. I think you might say, schools are doing that. They're not. Most of my college students have never read it. It's, you know, 19 pages long, and it's not something you sit down and say, we're reading this together, but in the course of a lifetime, I think it's good for them to have like a basic understanding of this. I think they need understand federalism. know, state government does different things than local, does different things than federal. So it's not just like, there's this nefarious people in DC doing all government stuff. It's like, it's your neighbors and your friends who are making zoning decisions and decisions on like, you know, what stoplights going to go up or if this is going to be a Stein, whatever. It's all that sort of quality of life, local area stuff. But I think one of the most important things and one that encompasses all of them. which is this ability to have a hard conversation because that is something that is so missing from the way that we sort of have schooling done. like, they're not really asked to be advocates. They're not really asked to, you know, fight or grapple or dig into some sort of topic that's hard and then come back and be like, OK, and that is what the practice is. So it's developing that muscle memory for hard or uncomfortable conversations of which politics offers a lot of opportunities. There's a lot of chances to do this and they just don't really get that in most of school because we don't focus that much on politics or government to begin with. It's mostly, we know some things, we're gonna teach you some things, please tell us those things back. And a lot of our politics curriculum looks like of like history, where they're like, okay, learn these things that happened 250 years ago, make sure you know them, now you're a citizen. Contemporary politics demands a lot more of us. It demands this like back and forth and flow of ideas, but they can't just learn it on their own. We gotta practice with them. We gotta show them what that is. We can't hide them from that, but we need to do it with them. Dr. Cam (18:14) Yeah, get from this a lot of it is general critical thinking. And this is one of those really important areas where critical thinking is important, but also listening. Because I think we do just in general, it seems like we do a lot of talking at and trying to convince is our conversations is convincing and it's not understanding. It's not putting those two pieces together and going, okay, if you strongly believe this and I like you as a person and you believe something very different than me, what are you understanding that I'm not understanding? Because you're not a bad person, so clearly you believe something that I'm not feeling or I don't get. What is that? What am I missing? And I think when we approach it that way, we learn so much more than just, you're wrong. Lindsey Cormack (19:11) I think that's absolutely right. And I do not fault any of our kids for being underdeveloped in their capacity to do this because I don't think we do it that much with them. I don't think we show them a lot of healthy examples. I think sort of the online media environment actually kind of incentivizes the opposite. It shows them like, say something crazy, say something mean, make sure it goes viral. When in reality, there is so much more to learn about this world if you approach it like you just said with this like listening and learning, which is, like, what is it? that happened on your journey that got you to this different endpoint. I didn't start that way. I didn't go on that path. And then you learn something about the world. And the marker of, you know, like a successful conversation is not, did I convince someone or was I convinced of their viewpoint? It's, I understand them a little bit better? Is our relationship deeper? Are our bonds more resilient because we know these pieces? And I think that's something that gets hard in politics because we just don't see that as the modal conversation style in any space really. Dr. Cam (20:08) Yeah. And I think what's really important and what I want to put out there is this isn't getting your kid to listen to you and saying, well, they need, you're right. They need to listen to me. This is about you listening to them. I think a lot of times we hear it and go, you're right. They need to do that for me. And it's the way they learn is when you listen to them and you question and you try to figure out what is it that you're, what am I missing? What is it that you are believing? What is your perception of this that I'm not getting? And so that's how they learn how to do it because they're watching us do it. Lindsey Cormack (20:49) Yeah, and then they get to go ahead and do that when they have their children in a better, more robust way. And this is what it is to have an idea about progress in parenting, an idea about changing, like I say it's this way so it's that way. Well, that's actually not how the world works ever. We get to create sort of the realities that we're gonna live in, and so wouldn't it be better to have a practice that teaches you how to do that? Dr. Cam (21:11) Yeah, exactly right. Exactly right. So what is something you want to make sure parents step away with from this session, from this interview? Lindsey Cormack (21:21) think the biggest thing that I hope parents can take is that this is something that they do need to take on and that they can take on. Because a lot of us think like, know, ew, politics, government, I'm uncomfortable by that subject, or I don't know a lot about that subject, so I shouldn't be the one doing it. But if our kids never see us caring about this, never see us engaging on this, they get the message that they shouldn't either, that it's like for someone else to take care of. And that's not true. We all are sort of athletes in this arena. No one gets to sit by and be a spectator. And so if you can show them what it is to do that and say, you know what, I can learn a little more. I can have a conversation. I can do that. I think that's the best thing you can do. All the other pieces, know, no one needs to become a government trivia expert. You don't need to know the ins and outs of everything. You need to show and model what it is to care, to learn more, to care, to be involved, to show that this is something that's worth your time. And that's kind of easy. That's like a mindset shift. That's saying like, okay, I can take this on. Dr. Cam (22:11) Yeah, I love that. So how do people find your book? Lindsey Cormack (22:14) It's everywhere that books are sold online. I think right now it happens to be the cheapest on Amazon. It's also at Barnes and Noble and Bookshop. And then I have a website that's just howtoraesacitizen.com where you can order it directly from me and I'll sign it or send it to someone. You can tell me, know, it's their birthday or they just had a kid or whatever. And I'm like happy to do that and ship it out from my house. Dr. Cam (22:35) I love it. Thank you so much for jumping on with us. Lindsey Cormack (22:38) Thank you so much for having me and thanks for doing this work. I think it's important that we have more people thinking about these sorts of subjects. Dr. Cam (22:44) Ditto for you. Thank you.
About the Show: The Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Podcast is your ultimate resource for navigating the challenges of raising teens. Hosted by Dr. Cam Caswell, a seasoned adolescent psychologist and parenting coach, this podcast provides practical strategies and expert advice on how to build stronger relationships with your teen while supporting their emotional and intellectual growth. Whether you're dealing with teen behavior struggles or seeking to improve communication, each episode offers actionable tips to help parents confidently face the challenges of raising teens today.
#ParentingTeens #TeenPolitics #CriticalThinking #CivicsEducation #ParentingTips #RaisingInformedCitizens | |||
| 12 Sep 2022 | Helping Teens Develop a Positive Body Image with Pam Luk | 00:34:44 | |
If you have a plus-sized teen struggling with their body image or not feeling accepted, this episode is for you. Thanks to media, advertisers, and the ever-growing weight-loss industry, we live in a society that believes the thinner the better. This has led to an increase in eating disorders for both women and men, which has the highest mortality rate of any mental illness. To counter this dangerous trend, many are trying to reignite the body positive movement that was first launched in the 60’s. The goal is to shift the focus from thin as the image of “health” to the acceptance and celebration of all sizes and weights. But we still have a long way to go! In this episode I’m joined by Pam Luk, the founder of Ember & Ace, an athletic wear brand exclusively for plus size kids (PSKs). Pam and I discuss:
Thanks for Listening! Thanks so much for listening to our podcast! If you enjoyed this episode and think that others could benefit from listening, please share it with a friend.
Subscribe to the Podcast If you would like to get automatic updates of new podcast episodes, you can subscribe to the podcast right here on YouTube! | |||
| 20 Mar 2021 | Teaching teens to drive without losing our mind with Todd Avery | 00:29:39 | |
In this episode, Dr. Cam talks with Todd Avery (@SafeDrivingCoach), Delaware Valley's Favorite Driving Instructor. Well recognized in the Philadelphia region as an obsessed car enthusiast and a highly personable and dedicated driving instructor, Todd is focused on ensuring a pleasant experience and promoting driver and passenger safety. For the past 15 years, he has coached hundreds of drivers. In addition to teaching new drivers the "rules of the road," Todd is an experienced classroom and race track coach for performance drivers. Teaching and coaching all ages of drivers is Todd's passion. Todd's philosophy is quite simple: “I want the safest, most responsible, most attentive drivers on the road." If you found Todd’s driving advice helpful, please like, comment, and share with friends and family that have new drivers in the home.
Connect with Todd Avery: Website | Facebook | Instagram | LinkedIn | YouTube
Connect with Dr. Cam at www.askdrcam.com
If you found these tips helpful, please take a moment to rate and review so other parents can find this advice as well. Thank you! | |||
| 03 Nov 2021 | Turn video game obsession into motivation with Michael Chang | 00:27:02 | |
If your teen’s video game obsession is driving you mad, this episode is for you! Today I’m talking with Michael Chang, CEO and Founder @VGCDAcademy and author of the international best-selling book "Video Games Demystified: The Trifecta of Creators, Athletes, and Ecosystem in a Thriving Industry." As a former marketing leader at Electronic Arts and RockYou, Michael has managed video games generating over $250 million. His company, VGCD Academy, teaches young people the science and business of video games. Michael is going to teach us how to leverage the love of gaming to inspire teens to become leaders, entrepreneurs, scientists, mathematicians, artists, and more. FREE STUFF!
If you found this episode valuable, please take a quick moment to comment and share. This helps other parents like you find the show. Thank you!! | |||
| 20 Nov 2022 | Prepping Teens for the Future with Michael Trezza | 00:24:16 | |
If you want to prepare your teen to be successful in their careers or whatever they decide to do in the future, this episode is for you. In this episode I’m joined by Michael Trezza, the Founder and CEO of Giant Leaps Learning, an online after-school enrichment program. Michael and his team help kids master the skills they’ll need become great leaders not just in the future, but right now. Michael talks to us about the foundational routines and behaviors he believes are essential for setting our teens up to thrive.
Resources Mentioned in This Episode
Thanks for Listening! Thanks so much for listening to our podcast! If you enjoyed this episode and think that others would appreciate the guidance and encouragement, please take a quick moment to rate and review. Reviews from my listeners are extremely valuable and greatly appreciated. Review on iTunes.
Subscribe to the Podcast If you would like to get automatic updates of new podcast episodes, you can subscribe to the podcast on iTunes, YouTube, Google, Spotify. You can also subscribe from the podcast app on your mobile device or listen LIVE in my Private Facebook Group. | |||
| 07 Jan 2021 | Overcoming life's obstacles with Virginia Prodan | 00:41:03 | |
In this episode of Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam, Dr. Cam is joined by Virginia Prodan, an International Human Rights Attorney, author, and Victory Consultant. As a young attorney in Romania - under Nicolae Ceausescu’s brutal communist regime - Virginia had defended human and religious rights cases. For this act of treason, she was kidnapped, beaten, tortured, placed under house arrest, and came within seconds of being executed under the orders of Ceausescu himself - who sent an assassin to kill her. Virginia had literally faced her assassin and has lived to tell about it in her memoir Saving My Assassin. She is passionate about mentoring others to stand up to their giants and live a life of significance. Exiled from Romania since 1988, Virginia rebuilt her life in America and reared 3 successful children. Virginia has been featured prominently in many national and international televisions and radios. She is also passionate about mentoring professionals including parents to be better leaders. Listen in this morning to hear her tell her harrowing story and share wisdom from her experience to help us as parents overcome obstacles both in life and with our teens.
Connect with Virginia Prodan Website | Facebook | Instagram | LinkedIn | Twitter Connect with Dr. Cam www.askdrcam.com | Facebook | Instagram | LinkedIn | Twitter | YouTube | iTunes
If you found this episode helpful, please LIKE, FOLLOW, REVIEW & SHARE. Thanks :) | |||
| 01 May 2021 | Should you share your mental health with your teen? with Ross Szabo | 00:30:30 | |
In this episode, Dr. Cam talks with Ross Szabo, Wellness Director at Geffen Academy at UCLA/CEO and CEO of the Human Power Project. As an award-winning pioneer of the youth mental health movement, Ross is actively changing the way communities learn about mental health. During his 8 years as Director of Outreach at the National Mental Health Awareness Campaign, he helped create the first youth mental health speakers’ bureau in the country and personally spoke to over one million people. He’s also the author of Behind Happy Faces; Taking Charge of Your Mental Health and A Kid’s Book About Anxiety. Ross and Dr. Cam discuss:
Connect with Ross Szabo Website | Facebook | Instagram | LinkedIn | Twitter | YouTube Connect with Dr. Cam at www.AskDrCam.com If you want to learn even more about how to connect with your teen and calm the drama, be sure to join me for the Parenting Teens Power Hour. I have an incredible group of experts lined up to share their best tips and secrets—and it’s free. You can register at https://www.askdrcam.com/powerhour. If you enjoyed this episode and all the impactful tips that Ross shared with us, please take a quick moment to rate and review. This helps other parents like you find this show. Feel free to share the love with a friend as well. | |||
| 04 Dec 2020 | Teen Tik Tok Lingo Challenge | 00:18:24 | |
Do you know what a bayang is? How about a thirst trap or darty? Test yourself as my niece quizzes me and my sister on our teen slang savvy (hint: we don't do so well.) Bonus if you can count the number of times I say the word, "cool." Want a cheat sheet of the 14 teen slang terms we cover? Grab the cheat sheet here. Connect with Dr. Cam www.askdrcam.com | Facebook | Instagram | LinkedIn | Twitter | YouTube | iTunes If you found this episode helpful, please LIKE, FOLLOW, REVIEW & SHARE. Thanks :) | |||
| 15 Jan 2021 | Embracing fatherhood with Rish Mitra | 00:37:22 | |
In this episode, Dr. Cam talks to Rish Mitra, founder of the Dads And Deadlifts Foundation. Rish and Dr. Cam talk about:
Rish's life’s mission is to serve boys, men, and fathers. This is why I launched the podcast known as “Dads And Deadlifts”. Through his non-profit foundation and podcast, he wants to create a safe platform for MEN and WOMEN to express themselves without being judged or shamed. Allowing for a healthy community to embrace authentic self and self-discovery. Connect with Rish Mitra on social: @Dads And Deadlifts Connect with Dr. Cam www.askdrcam.com | Facebook | Instagram | LinkedIn | Twitter | YouTube | iTunes If you found this episode helpful, please LIKE, FOLLOW, REVIEW & SHARE. Thanks :)
| |||
| 13 Jun 2023 | Navigating Teen Gender Identity with Dr. Ronnie Gladden | 00:35:20 | |
Over the past decade, there has been a noticeable increase in the number of teenagers coming out as transgender. To skeptical parents, this is often perceived as a concerning trend fueled by social media and easily influenced teenage brains. To gender identity experts, it is attributed to increased awareness and understanding of gender diversity and the growing platforms that enable teens to find resources, support, and connections with others who have similar experiences. Regardless of what you believe, if your teen is questioning their identity, how you respond as a parent can have an enormous impact on their long-term mental health and well-being. In this episode, Dr. Cam is joined by Dr. Ronnie Gladden, an international speaker, actor, and tenured college professor who speaks regularly about identity, diversity, and inclusion for K-12 schools, universities, and nonprofits. They are also the author of White Girl Within: Letters of Self-Discovery Between a Transgender and Transracial Black Man and His Inner Female. Dr. Ronnie helps us navigate some of the complexities of gender identity and provides guidance on how to best support teens who identify as transgender. Thanks for Listening! Thanks so much for listening to our podcast! If you enjoyed this episode and think that others would appreciate the guidance and encouragement, please take a quick moment to rate and review. Reviews from my listeners are extremely valuable and greatly appreciated. Review on iTunes.
Subscribe to the Podcast If you would like to get automatic updates of new podcast episodes, you can subscribe to the podcast on iTunes, YouTube, Google, Spotify. You can also subscribe | |||
| 28 Nov 2020 | Mindfulness with Ofosu Jones-Quartey | 00:23:53 | |
In this episode, Dr. Cam is joined by Ofosu Jones-Quartey, a meditation teacher and musician from Washington DC. In this episode, Ofosu and Dr. Cam talk about: 🛌🏾The benefits of making your bed in the morning (it really is powerful!) 🤫 Quieting our inner critic and creating our inner cheerleader 🧘🏼♀ Modeling a positive mindset for our teens
Bio Ofosu Jones-Quartey is a meditation teacher and musician from the Washington DC area. He has been teaching mindfulness meditation since 2008, working with such organizations as Minds, Incorporated, the Insight Meditation Community of Washington, Spirit Rock, and the Insight Meditation Society (IMS). An accomplished musician, Ofosu also performs both domestically and internationally as a Hip Hop and Electronic Music artist. He recently wrote a book for families called “You Are Enough”. Ofosu is also a voice-over talent, having lent his voice to programs on Sesame Studios as well as is voicing Stanley the Snail on the Sprout Network's cartoon "Ollie and Moon". He is the “male voice” on the new mindfulness app Balance. Ofosu currently lives in the Washington, DC area with his wife Ayanna and their four children, Sundara, Samadhi, Sati, and Siddhattha. Ofosu's upcoming parenting self-care class is Dec. 1 and 8, 2020. Learn more here. Connect with Ofosu Jones-Quartey
Connect with Dr. Cam www.askdrcam.com | Facebook | Instagram | LinkedIn | Twitter | YouTube If you found this episode helpful, please LIKE, FOLLOW, REVIEW & SHARE. Thanks :) | |||
| 29 Dec 2020 | Don’t like your teen’s behavior? Try this. | 00:04:57 | |
Why do our attempts to stop our teens' disrespectful behavior or manage their anxiety often backfire? Here's a common mistake I see parents make and what to do instead. Connect with Dr. Cam www.askdrcam.com | Facebook | Instagram | LinkedIn | Twitter | YouTube | iTunes If you found this episode helpful, please LIKE, FOLLOW, REVIEW & SHARE. Thanks :) | |||
| 05 May 2023 | Stop being a homework warden with Sue Groener | 00:40:56 | |
Are you tired of being the warden of homework, screen time, and sleep? Would you like to spend less time nagging and more time enjoying your teen? Then this episode is for you. In this episode, I’m joined by The Parenting Mentor, Sue Groner. Sue is the author of Parenting with Sanity and Joy, 101 Simple Strategies, the host of The Parenting Mentor Sessions Podcast, and is a certified Positive Discipline parent educator. She is also a frequent guest expert on ABC, CBS, NBC, and Fox to name a few, and provides advice for many national publications and websites such as The Wall Street Journal, Parents, Real Simple, Today.com, HuffPost, and Katie Couric Media. Sue provides us with some tips for guiding our teens without losing our own sanity.
Thanks for Listening! Thanks so much for listening to our podcast! If you enjoyed this episode and think that others would appreciate the guidance and encouragement, please take a quick moment to rate and review. Reviews from my listeners are extremely valuable and greatly appreciated. Review on iTunes.
Subscribe to the Podcast If you would like to get automatic updates of new podcast episodes, you can subscribe to the podcast on iTunes, YouTube, Google, Spotify. You can also subscribe from the podcast app on your mobile device or listen LIVE in my Private Facebook Group. | |||
| 09 Sep 2021 | How to make life with your teen more joyful with Susan Borison | 00:29:13 | |
Today I’m talking with Susan Borison, the founder and editor of Your Teen Media (@YourTeen) Susan went to law school to prepare herself for negotiating with five teenagers. In the process, she needed to bolster her skills, so she founded Your Teen Media. In the past 14 years, YTM has helped countless parents also searching for the tools and advice to be the best parent they can be. Susan and I are talking about:
FREE STUFF!
If you found this episode valuable, please take a quick moment to comment and share. This helps other parents like you find the show. Thank you!! | |||
| 05 Oct 2023 | How to Nurture Your Teen’s Strengths with Sam Young | 00:38:02 | |
🌟 Got a bright teen struggling in school? You're not alone! Many students have untapped potential, and it's frustrating for us parents to watch. 🚀 That's why we've brought in Sam Young, aka Mr. Sam, founder of Young Scholars Academy (@YSAENRICHMENT). Sam's on a mission to support twice-exceptional, differently-wired, and gifted students to thrive through strength-based education and a nurturing community. 💪 Join us as Sam shares how to help teens discover, nurture, and lead with their unique strengths and talents. #TeenEducation #UnlockingPotential #StrengthsBasedLearning #teentranslator #drcam #ParentingTeens #TeenStrengths #GiftedStudents #TwiceExceptional
Resources Mentioned in This Episode
Thanks for Listening! Thanks so much for listening to our podcast! If you enjoyed this episode and think that others would appreciate the guidance and encouragement, please take a quick moment to rate and review. Reviews from my listeners are extremely valuable and greatly appreciated. Review on iTunes.
Subscribe to the Podcast If you would like to get automatic updates of new podcast episodes, you can subscribe to the podcast on iTunes, YouTube, Google, Spotify. You can also subscribe from the podcast app on your mobile device or listen LIVE in my Private Facebook Group. | |||
| 10 Nov 2023 | More on Motivating Teens | 00:21:40 | |
How do you motivate an unmotivated teen? Many parents are struggling with this dilemma now that our kids are all learning from home. We've tried bribing, threatening, nagging, yelling...nothing seems to work. Today I pull some insights from Daniel Pink's book "Drive: The Surprising Truth About What Motivates Us" and show you how to apply them to our teens. Connect with Dr. Cam www.askdrcam.com | Facebook | Instagram | LinkedIn | Twitter | YouTube | iTunes If you found this episode helpful, please LIKE, FOLLOW, REVIEW & SHARE. Thanks :) | |||
| 10 Nov 2023 | Helping Teens Deal With Distance Learning | 00:17:00 | |
In this episode, my daughter Alexa has agreed to join me to talk about the school year. She had a week to mourn not being able to go back physically (aka complain and sulk freely) and now we need to address her concerns and come up with a plan. We're going to do it in real-time so you can watch us. Not sure how it'll go, but here it goes...
Connect with Dr. Cam www.askdrcam.com | Facebook | Instagram | LinkedIn | Twitter | YouTube | iTunes If you found this episode helpful, please LIKE, FOLLOW, REVIEW & SHARE. Thanks :) | |||
| 12 Mar 2024 | Supporting Teens with OCD with Kimberley Quinlin | 00:38:31 | |
Does your teen display repetitive behaviors like excessive hand washing or hair picking? Are they battling against intrusive thoughts they can't shake off? If so, this episode is for you. These behaviors may signal Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder or OCD, a condition impacting around 1 in every 100 children and teens. In this episode, I’m joined by Kimberley Quinlin, a therapist with extensive training in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and Exposure Response Prevention (ERP) for OCD and OCD-related disorders. Kimberley is here to help us identify these signs in our teens and provide guidance for supporting them effectively. Thanks for Listening! If you enjoyed this episode and think others would appreciate it too, please review on iTunes. Subscribe to the Podcast Want to be alerted when a new episode drops? Follow on iTunes, YouTube, Google, Spotify.
ABOUT THE SHOW: The 'Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam' Podcast is your guide to navigating adolescence without the drama. In each episode, your host, adolescent psychologist Dr. Cam, is joined by a guest expert to provide invaluable insights and practical advice for building a closer relationship with your teen & finding joy amidst the challenges Whether you're an experienced parent looking to support your teenager's mental well-being or a newcomer to the world of adolescence, this podcast is a must-listen. | |||
| 30 Nov 2020 | Breaking Bad Habits (Our Teen’s and Our Own) | 00:20:16 | |
Having the same concerns, fights, frustrations with your tween or teen? Feel like you're in a rut? There's a reason we call it that--it's tough to get out of. In this episode, Dr. Cam provides insight into why we and our teens get stuck repeating the same undesirable behaviors and how to put a stop to them.
Connect with Dr. Cam www.askdrcam.com | Facebook | Instagram | LinkedIn | Twitter | YouTube If you found this episode helpful, please LIKE, FOLLOW, REVIEW & SHARE. Thanks :) | |||
| 13 Dec 2023 | Protecting Teens Against Extremist Ideologies with Dr. Emily Bashah | 00:31:33 | |
In today's hyper-connected world, children are more exposed than ever to extremist ideologies that can profoundly influence young minds. There has been an enormous uptick in groups ranging from white supremacists to religious extremists who are aggressively targeting children as young as 11 on platforms popular with teens. For example, a neo-Nazi organization recently ran a social media recruitment campaign using gaming imagery and memes that received 800,000 views from boys aged 12-15. In this episode, Dr. Emily Bashaw, a clinical psychologist and expert on radicalization, discusses the alarming trend of extremist groups targeting teenagers on social media platforms. She explains the concept of addictive ideologies and how vulnerable individuals can be influenced by propaganda and tribal beliefs. Dr. Bashaw emphasizes the importance of building resilience and critical thinking skills in teenagers to protect them from extremist influences. She also highlights the role of parents in fostering open communication and engaging in difficult conversations with their teens. The conversation concludes with a reminder to humanize others and promote acceptance while demanding personal growth.
KEY TAKEAWAYS
Chapters 00:00 Introduction 01:03 Addictive Ideologies and Radicalization 04:07 The Influence of Social Media and Online Behavior 05:24 Impact on Teenagers 09:31 Signs of Targeting and Messages 10:42 Preventing Extremist Influences 13:48 Engaging in Difficult Conversations 15:05 Understanding Extremist Recruitment Tactics 18:36 Promoting Agency and Critical Thinking 20:45 Acceptance and Demanding More 25:49 Humanizing Others and Building Resilience 29:34 Engaging with Teens 31:46 Conclusion
Resources Mentioned in This Episode
Thanks for Listening! Thanks so much for listening to our podcast! If you enjoyed this episode and think that others would appreciate the guidance and encouragement, please take a quick moment to rate and review. Reviews from my listeners are extremely valuable and greatly appreciated. Review on iTunes.
Subscribe to the Podcast If you would like to get automatic updates of new podcast episodes, you can subscribe to the podcast on iTunes, YouTube, Google, Spotify. You can also subscribe from the podcast app on your mobile device or listen LIVE in my Private Facebook Group. | |||
| 29 Dec 2020 | Jumping to conclusions (the water bottles) | 00:04:54 | |
Sometimes we can be pretty quick to judge and make accusations. Next time you get annoyed or frustrated about something your teen has done or said ask yourself, "Am I giving them the benefit of the doubt or am I doubting them?"
Connect with Dr. Cam www.askdrcam.com | Facebook | Instagram | LinkedIn | Twitter | YouTube | iTunes
If you found this episode helpful, please LIKE, FOLLOW, REVIEW & SHARE. Thanks :) | |||
| 21 Jun 2022 | Parenting a Transgender Child with Camden + David | 00:43:20 | |
This week, in recognition of pride month, we’re talking about how to better understand and support our non-binary and transgender children. Although the LGBTQ+ community has gained more acceptance and support over the years, statistics show that most remain closeted in fear of discrimination. They are also at far more serious risk for depression, suicide, and victimization. My goal is to answer questions, clear up misconceptions, and put some fears to rest so we can show up for our children the way they need us to. In this episode I’m joined by Camden and his dad David to talk about the transgender experience, coming out, and how to best support our LGBTQ+ children.
Thanks for Listening! Thanks so much for listening to our podcast! If you enjoyed this episode and think that others would appreciate the guidance and encouragement, please take a quick moment to rate and review. Reviews from my listeners are extremely valuable and greatly appreciated. Review on iTunes.
Subscribe to the Podcast If you would like to get automatic updates of new podcast episodes, you can subscribe to the podcast on iTunes, YouTube, Google, Spotify. You can also subscribe from the podcast app on your mobile device or listen LIVE in my Private Facebook Group. | |||
| 14 Jan 2025 | 4 Powerful Secrets to Boost Your Teen’s Confidence and Self-Esteem | 00:35:45 | |
In this episode of Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam, Dr. Cam Caswell sits down with life coach and former teacher Kristi Simons to dive into the secrets of building teen confidence. They discuss why self-awareness is the foundation of confidence, how parents can encourage emotional expression, and why resilience matters more than confidence alone. Kristi shares powerful insights on shifting internal beliefs, fostering self-worth, and creating a supportive environment where teens feel seen, heard, and valued. If you're looking for practical ways to help your teen navigate self-doubt and embrace their full potential, this episode is for you. WHAT YOU'LL LEARN IN THIS EPISODE
5 KEY TAKEAWAYS FOR PARENTS OF TEENS
🎧❤️ ENJOYING THE SHOW? Don’t keep it to yourself! Share your favorite episode and leave a rating and review to help other parents find the support they need. Your feedback helps me create even more episodes filled with practical tips for you and your family! Thanks so much for your support! 🙏💫 🔔 Remember to hit Follow so you never miss another solution-packed episode! 🙌 EPISODE CHAPTERS 00:00 – Unlocking Teen Confidence: A Journey Begins 05:54 – Understanding Teen Challenges: The Struggle for Self-Awareness 11:54 – Embracing Emotions: The Key to Resilience 17:52 – Reverse Engineering Confidence: Practical Steps for Parents 23:55 – Creating a Safe Space: Encouraging Open Communication 29:48 – Final Thoughts: Empowering Teens Through Kindness CONNECT WITH OUR GUEST: Kristi Simons
CONNECT WITH YOUR HOST: Dr. Cam Caswell
THE FULL TRANSCRIPT Dr. Cam Hey parents, are you ready to unlock the secrets to building your teens confidence? In today's episode, we're diving deep into how to help our teens tackle challenges with a strong sense of self, whether they're facing struggles at home or feeling the pressure at school. And we've got a special guest with us, Christy Simons, a former teacher turned teen life coach, who's on a mission to equip teens with the life skills she was she had growing up. Me too. Skills that build true confidence and resilience. So if you're looking for ways to help your team not only survive, but thrive, this episode is for you. Welcome, Christy. Kristi Simons (00:43) Thank you so much for having me. I'm so grateful to be here. These conversations energize me in the best of ways. So I just appreciate your time and the space to have them. Dr. Cam (00:53) Well, thank you for saying that. I appreciate that too. And I would love to start just by hearing your story. How did you go from a teacher to a teen life coach? Kristi Simons (01:02) Yeah, so I'll try to make this as short as possible. But what happened for me was my teen years is where all of, I would say a lot of my trauma was really rooted. And it wasn't something I realized until I became a mom for the first time. So that's when the shift really happened. I started to lean into things that I desired in different a different way of living, honestly, because I knew that a change needed to happen. And that change had to start with me. And I'm not even really honestly sure how I knew that but My son really changed everything for me, my daughter as well. After two mental health breakdowns, I finally decided that coaching was the right route for me. So I hired my own coach. I stepped into such an inspiring community with all of these incredible women. And I just looked around and I was like, my gosh, it's like there's a different way. And what started to come to me was that they were speaking like a completely different language. And it was this language of self-love, confidence and empowerment that I feel like I wasn't really surrounded by before. And so things slowly started to piece themselves back together. I mean, I really do feel like motherhood for me just shattered me into pieces. And there were pieces of myself that needed to fall away and others that were meant to stay. It's just, had to figure out how to put them back together. And so that's what coaching and community really did for me. And I found myself a little after four years starting my own podcast. And the reason that it ended up being, you know, teens specifically that I work with. Honestly, truthfully, I sit here today and I'm still like, how did this happen? Like to me, it's just, I look back and I can see all of the breadcrumbs. But honestly, I tell people like it just kind of happened organically. And there's something bigger at play here, I truly believe. But that's a different conversation. And so yeah, I started to initially help teens through the pandemic. A lot of them were just dropping out of high school for multiple reasons, mainly main one being like their mental health and just the way that they were actually feeling. And so I started helping them in that capacity. And then I realized how much coaching had changed my life and the trajectory of it. I became sober. I still am three years later. Like there's just so many shifts that have happened for me in such a positive way that I knew that I wanted to give back in that way as well. So I started doing like tutoring and life coaching, and now it's just moved into full life coaching. yeah. Dr. Cam (03:30) That's fantastic. And so what are some of the common, I guess, common challenges you're seeing that teens have today that is wearing on their confidence? Kristi Simons (03:43) You know what it is that I can see so clearly? Well, one, the first thing that's coming to me is just helping them to be more aware of what I am noticing, like helping them to recognize in themselves what's actually going on. But what I really see is they don't know how to reverse engineer how they actually want to feel. And they keep coming up against these blocks and these challenges in their lives that are really keeping them stuck where they are, because I hear that often from them. They do feel stuck. They feel like they need to constantly be comparing themselves to others. They're worried about others' opinions. So there's evidence just from the clients that I work with that there's people pleasing involved. So it's how do we now start to help them to understand that they are, in fact, their own person and that they can trust themselves. And so I would say a lot of it is that. It may seem like these external factors to them, but really what's happening is it's like the internal, it's the beliefs that they have about themselves. And so it's trying to get them to shift their perspective to that language of self-love, confidence, and empowerment that I feel like I learned later in life. But now that I know it, I feel like it's like my duty to teach it. So this is why I stepped out of the classroom to do this. And again, it's just to me, I'm still just like, wow, it's kind of like this like holy shit moment where I'm like, can't believe this is actually the work that I'm doing. Because you recognize like those qualities within yourself, like you can't do this work unless you actually have confidence and you feel empowered in your life, or at least you're moving in that direction. I mean, it's a constant evolution. And there's always going to be struggles and challenges. But you come to this place where you really do realize that you are like this machine that is capable of so, so much. Dr. Cam (05:06) And teaching teens how to embrace that when they're still in the process of like developing their self-confidence and developing those connections in their brains. Imagine if we can develop at the beginning their self-confidence built into their self-esteem or built into their self-concept because I do know a lot of adults that still mean like still struggle with confidence because our whole And as you said, as teens, we grew up with this belief that we weren't enough, and that was hardwired into who we think we are. And it's very difficult to change that once it's so set. It can be done. It's just a lot of hard work. So how do we as parents start building that foundation of confidence and positive self-esteem in our kids without the over because I know a lot of parents worry, my gosh, I don't want them to become egotistical. I don't want them to become narcissistic. I don't want them to become entitled. And so I think there's this fear of going there and we almost overcompensate for that fear. And I see a lot with parents where they're just putting their kids down a lot, but not because of that fear. Like they don't want their kids to have a false sense of ego. How do we balance that? Kristi Simons (06:41) Okay, so what's coming to me right now, and I'm all about simplicity, so I'm going to keep this super simple, but it really comes back to just seeing things through a lens of love. Like if we can just remember that sentence. And again, it's the beliefs that we have within ourselves as well. So we really need to pay attention and be aware of that. But this is going to be a really silly example. And I know my husband thinks I'm super strange for doing this, but it honestly works. And this is just like to make a point. So he bought me flowers for our anniversary and this was October 30th was our anniversary. And so these flowers are still alive. And I know that they are alive because I continuously every morning I do one thing. It's like one small habit for these flowers so that I can keep them as long as possible. I will fill them up with new water and I will literally talk to, like I will speak to them and I will speak into the water and I will just give like positive energy to them, like stay alive essentially, but you're beautiful. You're so powerful, like you're so strong. And I swear to you, I will go get them if you want me to prove they are still alive. And when I think about the fact that we as human beings are like, I don't know if it's like 70 % energy or something, don't quote me on that, but it's close. It's all in the way that we speak. It's all in the way that we show up. It's in the way that we communicate. Like to me, like your words have such power. And so if just by, and this is just me doing an experiment to prove to my husband that these things are going to be alive till freaking Christmas, and then he'll finally believe me. But it's true if we can understand that from that perspective, like 90 % of, 90 % of life I believe is all about energy. The other 10 % is strategy. Dr. Cam (08:19) I want to see that. That'd be amazing. Kristi Simons (08:46) And once you can, you know, as I said, really see things through a lens of love and just start communicating in small ways to help build the confidence for them. Like for me, I didn't have that belief until my coach started to instill it in me. I had zero belief. All I knew is I wanted to change, but I had no idea how. Like there wasn't any belief. So it took her holding that belief for me and seeing it for me before I could see it and believe it for myself. I feel like we all need those people in our lives. So it's really about just shifting the conversation and also like giving ourselves a ton of compassion as well, because I know there's conversations that I used to have about other people, about myself, that yeah, I just, don't want to be hard on myself for that anymore. It's just about, okay, today, like what can I do to start making some changes and focusing in a direction that actually benefits everybody. Dr. Cam (09:34) Yeah, I love that and setting that expectation of it is it's just changing what you hear because that changes the voice in your head. Like you take the voice that you hear in your head is really the voice you heard often from your parents growing up, right? It becomes your internal. And so a lot of times parents get very focused on fixing and changing and improving their kids for good reason, like I understand why they're doing it, but it comes across as constantly, you know, nagging and berating and changing and criticizing and judging and all of a sudden, and I get all these kids coming into my office that have zero self-esteem and everything is a should for them. Like I should do this, I should be this, I should feel that. And that's because the messages have come to them constantly that what they're doing and who they are is not enough, they should be more. And they're never gonna be that because no matter what they are, there's still more that they should be. And that feels completely defeating. So how do we as parents balance this motivation and teaching with our kids where we wanna give them guidance and we wanna help them grow and develop and learn? How do we balance that with this positive reinforcement in positive words so that we're giving them an internal voice that is compassionate to them. Kristi Simons (11:12) Yeah, I love this question. it really to me, it's all about, well, first the belief. So if we're starting to instill some beliefs in them, some new beliefs, that's already going to be a step one, right? And then what comes next, it's really about, okay, if you have those beliefs, like what are the thoughts that you're having? So what I see with my clients is just the importance of having more of a connection with themselves and actually you know, speaking about their feelings, journaling about their feelings. And I know that for a lot of parents, like that's a big like, like, wouldn't it be nice, like something that they put on their wishlist? Like, wouldn't it be nice if my teen like knew how to feel their feelings rather than holding them in because they know what that can do like internally for their system. And so it's just really about helping them to express that. And again, it in the beginning, It may seem awkward or feel awkward for everybody because if it's not something you're used to doing, of course it's going to be different. When you're creating change, there's going to be that discomfort. And so what I see is just for them, it's really being aware of their thoughts and learning to think about what they actually think about. And then once you're in that space, you can then take action from a different perspective. Because to me, it all comes down to choice. We all have a choice in that moment, whether we want to lean into all of the limiting beliefs that we have about ourselves or whether we want to lean into the feelings that we're actually desiring to feel. Because again, to me, at the end of the day, all of this, it all comes back to feeling. We want to feel connected to our children. They want to feel confident. They want to feel proud of themselves. These are words that I hear from my clients. It has more to do with what they're experiencing internally rather than the external. So we really have to come back to a place of how do we encourage them slowly to start either, you know, connecting with a mentor, connecting with a teacher, a best friend, a cousin, like a role model, somebody that really inspires them in their life. Like find them that person. If you still feel that, you know, there's stuff that you want to work on for yourself and just start having those conversations with them, start exposing them to a different language. This is what this is. And I feel like for a lot of people, like even leaning into that feels uncomfortable. And that's where the confidence is created. And I feel like that's the part that we often miss is to be emotionally uncomfortable is where you will start to build the resilience and the knowing and the evidence that you are in fact capable of overcoming anything in your life because what doesn't challenge you won't change you. So that's essentially what we're after. Dr. Cam (14:02) Let's dig into the emotion thing because I think this is something that I see a lot of parents struggle with for good reason again. Hard emotions are uncomfortable as you just said and I think being able to be okay in that discomfort is what is so important because as you were saying, a lot of kids learn to push down their emotions or they don't learn to regulate their emotions. And what I commonly see is we're uncomfortable with that emotion, anger, sadness, frustration, mean, jealousy, any of those things. Our knee-jerk reaction is to shut the emotion down, change the emotion, or just completely brush the emotion off and say, it's not that big a deal. When we do that with these big emotions that are just as equally fair and needed as happiness and pride and excitement, right? We are okay with those being really big. We're not okay with the other emotions. So when those emotions come up, allowing our kids to feel those emotions without trying to change them, without trying to fix them is part of what builds confidence because we are, especially teenagers, they are their emotions. that leads every day, they are living in their emotions. So when we tell them their emotions are wrong, or we try to push back their emotions, we're telling them they're wrong, that something's wrong with them, that how they're feeling is not okay, which means they're not okay. And I think that's what I'm, then they don't trust themselves. They start going, well, if I'm feeling this way about this and I shouldn't, then I don't trust how I feel. So I don't trust myself. So there goes my confidence in my ability to understand what's going on. Do you agree with that? . Kristi Simons (16:01) yeah, 100%. And I just, you know what I know to be true for me as well is just that my teen self would have understood this if somebody explained it to her, that the E in emotion stands for energy in motion. So when I actually started to understand that I was more of an energetic being, and that these emotions were essentially energy, I’m so visual. So I really started to like connect with that and I could see when my energy would shift. So now I'm actually making like, like I'm not always up in my head. It's like you're actually making like a mind and body connection. And I feel like that's super important because then you're able to actually feel what it feels to be grounded, feel what it feels to be present. And I think that that's super important as well. So for me, that was huge. then again, being able to like some of the biggest aha moments I feel like my clients have is when they realize that rather than as you said, being like, like the victim of the emotion, because all emotions are so important and need to be celebrated, right? It's like you, you learn to become friends with them and actually hear what they are trying to tell you because you have all the answers within. So what I help them to do is rather than be a victim to the emotion, help them to be the coach, once they get to that point in their lives, which is so beautiful to see. And also just like the creator of how they want to feel. So leaning more into that and then actually challenging themselves to reframe. And I feel like those three roles that they can play in their lives, the coach, the challenger and the creator are just, they're so empowering. It's literally called the empowerment dynamic. It is not mine. It is just a tool, another strategy that I teach. But yeah, so many of these different ways of being that once you're aware of them, you're like, my gosh, why didn't I know this before? it's a muscle though. This is the thing. It's a muscle. Like anything else in life that say we desire, I desire to run a full marathon this year. And I'm not going to lie to you. When I signed up, I was like, yeah, fully confident. Then throughout the year, holy gosh, it was a roller coaster. I was like, I don't think I can do this. Now I'm ready for sure. No, I can't do this. I was all over the map. But it really just came back to the person that I had to become along that journey and the overcoming of each and every emotion and each and every belief that was telling me that I couldn't or I shouldn't or whatever the case may be. Like once it finally came race day, it wasn't even so much crossing the finish line. Like I am looking back now thinking to myself like, yes, I did run and complete a full marathon. And I'm proud of myself for that, but I'm so much more proud of every small step that led me to that finish line along the way, because I was overcoming so much and I was proving to myself that I'm capable. Dr. Cam (18:43) You kept doing it. So having those wins and those examples of overcoming difficult things and going, you can overcome difficult things. You have overcome difficult things, I think is so important too because we often focus on what they could do or they can do in the future. And that causes a lot of anxiety and pressure because they question if they can. So now they just feel pressure to do it. But when we focus more on what they already accomplished, they've already done. This then builds that belief in themselves. Yeah, I do do that, which now, since I have all these examples of me succeeding in the past, I can do it in the future. And I think what's really important and what you were saying, like we're going up and down in our belief system. I think for parents, what we need to learn to do is have a belief system in our kids that is on the up all the time. giving them the benefit of the doubt, believing that they are a good person doing the best they can, believing that there is a reason underlying whatever they're doing and it's not just to annoy us and be difficult. And when we change our mindset about our kids, changes our approach to our kids, which changes the words and the tone and the dynamic with our kids, which changes how our kids feel about themselves. Kristi Simons (20:25) my gosh, I love this conversation so much. I really love you. You're so fantastic. You just gave me a visual this time. Like now I'm seeing a literal like ladder, like a ladder almost of like believability. Like it's constantly as you were describing this. And this is why I connected with you, especially through your Instagram, because when you were explaining things and using your hands, I just feel like the way you explain things, I like, you have a gift of being able to explain things that I can like visually see, which is so, so cool. But yeah, this time I was literally seeing like this ladder of believability. So every step you take, like you are building that belief and it's just constantly going to grow and get better and better and stronger and stronger. Yeah, you just have to keep taking the actionable steps and moving up. Like there's no way, the only way out is through and it's gonna be up. It's gonna be up. Dr. Cam (21:11) It is, and just keep stepping there. And I think I wanna address Christy, I want you to help me address and help kids. And thank you, thank you for that compliment, that made my day. That boosted my confidence. So when we, when we've got a teen right now, let's say, and they're struggling with confidence, right? And we see them and we get this, and this happens a lot when they go into middle school and high school because they start comparing, as you said, comparing themselves. Kristi Simons (21:24) You're welcome. Dr. Cam (21:41) Our word as parents becomes completely irrelevant, right? Kids no longer believe R, but you're smart, but you're beautiful, but you're, they're like, you have to say that you're my mom. You have to say that you're my dad. So it has zero value to them anymore. So now we're in a place, kids are insecure. We don't have a lot of power in our words so much anymore. How do we help boost their confidence now. How do we start and I loved I want to get to that reverse engineering you said I wrote that down I love that talk to us a little bit about how do we as parents help reverse engineer their belief system now. Kristi Simons (22:24) Yeah. So what comes up for me is just be brave, trust yourself, take action. Because this is an affirmation that I have been speaking to myself for, gosh, probably four plus years now. And it just helps me to remember that we need to be brave enough to actually lean into like what's going on, what the root cause is. Because to me, if you're telling your teen something that is making them uncomfortable in that way, like something like, I'm so proud of you or you're so beautiful and they're not receiving that. It's because they don't have that belief, like they don't believe that about themselves. So at some point in the game, like they started to believe that they're not enough and that they're not worthy of a compliment like that. And so this isn't something that can just be changed overnight, but I do believe by leaning into, you know, what is it that hurt you? Like, what is it that is causing that blocks, like just asking them plain and simply like, how come? And if they're not ready to talk about it, they're not ready, but at least they know that with you, they have like a safe place to land if they ever need to. But once you actually do connect with that, and again, sometimes it's just about talking through that with other people, if they're not as open to communicating. Again, I don't have a teenager. So again, it's so interesting that I fell into this work based on what I have needed as a teen. I'm really hoping that this work helps me as I move along as a parent of teens. Dr. Cam (23:53) It does because I started this with Mike without a teen and now she's 18. It works people. do everything I teach and it's like what's fun Christy is she is Kristi Simons (23:59) Yeah. Yeah. Well, what I see with my clients, but I don't have like, my own. So I'm like, I can't speak to that yet. Dr. Cam (24:07) Yeah. And I have a kid and the whole focus for her, a big piece of how I interacted with her was to ensure as best as I could that she felt confident in herself. And that kid feels confident in herself. She's, it's amazing. Does she have a big ego? No, not even remotely, but she pushes herself and tries and it's okay failing. And she steps up and does it again and again. And like, she's so incredibly resilient. So I think, and that's, I think that's bigger than the confidence. She's resilient. She goes up and down in confidence as we all do, but she keeps getting up and keeps getting up and she's able to do it and not giving up. And I am proud of myself as a parent for being able to help her instill that because I did it without necessarily feeling it myself. Kristi Simons (25:06) So I think exactly what you just said, I'm gonna veer off what I was saying because it just came to me so clearly. That's exactly what we need to be doing as parents as well. Like that is my reminder. I'm gonna hope that that stays and it sticks, but they keep getting up and trying again and again. I feel like that's the same way that we should be showing up for them if we wanna see like lasting sustainable change. You need to say it over and over again. And yeah, it's going to probably drive you a little crazy, you're probably gonna feel frustrated. You might hit your red zone in some ways because yeah, it's gonna be emotionally uncomfortable. know again, as I said, like even just as a parent, like seeing my toddlers in discomfort, it already, it just, pulls at your heartstrings. It's not fun. But at the same time, I feel like, yeah, we're doing them such a disservice by not showing up for them in this way. Like it is just so important to continuously speak to them in that way because when I truly think on a daily basis, even with the awareness that I have, I still have thoughts that loop in my mind and I will catch myself. I'm like, my gosh, that is terrible. I can't believe you just thought that about yourself. And then it just makes you wonder, you know, that's what the upbringing and the expectations, you know, that I had in my family, like things are totally different now. And it's just, makes you wonder like, you know, what thoughts they're thinking in their minds on a day to day basis. And so it's just, I feel like it's so important to be just kind with people because you don't know the battles that they are facing. And so, yeah, you just gotta keep, as much as it feels annoying, I promise you it's not, it'll be worth it. Just keep reinforcing the positive belief because it's like, it's there, it exists. You just have to make the choice to choose it. Dr. Cam (26:51) Christy, I think when you just said kind, that to me is bottom line. as parents, and this has been my approach as parenting the whole time, whenever I approach something, and there's times that I'm not in a great mood, but in general, overall, my approach is kind. It's all about kindness. And it's no matter what is going on, no matter what the situation is, you have a choice to respond in either being harsh and unkind or being kind. No matter what the situation is, you always, always, always have that choice. And as a parent, we should always, always, always be choosing kindness with our kids. There's no reason not to. And when we approach them with kindness, that gives them that belief in themselves that they are worthy of being treated kindly. And when they're feeling worthy of being treated kindly, that gives them that sense of like, I'm not okay when somebody treats me unkindly. I can recognize that and I'm not okay with that. When we treat them unkindly, they believe that that's how they should be treated. And they keep finding those situations in their life and saying, I deserve being treated that way because I've always been treated that way. So I think it's really important that how we treat our kids is teaching them how to treat others, but how others should treat them. And that to me is bottom line essential as a parent. Kristi Simons (28:23) Yeah. And so important also to your point that, you know, just in teaching and being kind to them, I feel like it's just so it's equally as important for them to be kind to themselves for us to be kind to ourselves. Like I know even like with my toddlers, for example, like there are times where again, yes, still human. So I will react. And then I have in that moment, the choice to, you know, continue reacting or to become aware of it and then just repair it. But I feel like the in-between, like what we sometimes miss, which is why it makes it so hard to repair, is because we lack kindness for ourselves. We lack empathy for ourselves. So then our hurt just keeps projecting onto them. So it's really about healing ourselves. And I feel like this is one of the biggest things that needs to start happening for our teens. It's again, it's a lot of everybody's discomfort that gets in the way from them actually achieving. Dr. Cam (28:53) That is the biggest thing. It is our discomfort. And I think we need to be able to be aware when we're uncomfortable and that is not our teens' to make us feel comfortable. That's not on them. That's us to be able to sit in that discomfort and not have to fix it for them, but just be there for them while they figure it out. And when they're able to figure it out and know it's okay to not be okay, I think that's the biggest thing. A lot of parents say, I just want my teen to be happy. I just want them to be happy. And that is such an unfair expectation to put on our kid. Nobody on the planet is happy all the time. And that, you know, to be able to not be happy is something that I want for my teen too, to be able to be okay when they're not happy, when she's not happy, knowing that she's going to get through it. That's important to me. Kristi Simons (30:20) I love that. So beautiful. Dr. Cam (30:21) Yeah. So confidence is this internal thing that we want to help build, but what we do as parents is we're reflecting back how they think about themselves. Anything that you want to make sure parents walk away with from this episode. Kristi Simons (30:47) I think the last thing that was coming for me was just that there can be so much information out there. And like, I want parents to have the same confidence that I want their teens to have, right? Like I want them to just believe in trust in themselves and the decisions that they're making and that they're right there for their families. Like I am just somebody who's here. I feel more so like as a vessel just to share with all of you this language because I believe that it is a very positive direction for everybody. So I would just say like to keep it simple. And by simple, mean just literally lean into what feels good for you. Like that's all that you have to do. Just ask yourself in that moment, stop and be aware and just ask yourself like what is going to help like just essentially shine more light rather than, you know, keep them stuck in the dark. And I feel like if you can just continuously remind yourself of that, you're already on the right track. And over time, once the language shifts, like everything just becomes easier. Dr. Cam (31:42) Once it becomes natural. you know, I want to kind of add to that a little bit too, Christy, because I think that is such an essential message. And it's one that I don't feel like I repeat enough. If parents, I hear from parents a lot, I'm failing. I feel like I'm failing. I feel like I've done everything wrong. And when we get stuck in that mindset, we don't end up growing or moving or changing or doing the things that can replicate and repair that. So I think if you're first of all, if you're listening to this, you're a damn good parent because you're taking time out to listen to how to be a better parent. So you're already a good parent. So you can't say you're failing. Sorry. Take that off the table. Not allowed. Even when we have made mistake after mistake after mistake after mistake, we're still not failing as a parent if we keep saying, What can I learn from each time? What can I do differently today? What can I learn today to be a little bit better than I was yesterday? Then you're not failing. So I think I love that where we were does not define where we are now and where we're going to be able and where we can go. Kristi Simons (33:11) Yeah, I honestly would just like to highlight and just encourage you to just look back at your journey with them. Like take time, like if you're ever really feeling frustrated, if you all of a sudden realize that your emotions are shifting and you know, you're angry or you're upset or you feel disrespected, like whatever the case may be. In that moment, here's a little tool for you, can use just literally start from like when they were like first born and take yourself like through like the years of you know, just their life so far and all of like your happiest memories, I promise you it will shift your energy in that moment and it will help you to make a more conscious and aware decision. Dr. Cam (33:39) That is a phenomenal tip. We will leave with that tip. That was really good. Christy, how do people find you? Kristi Simons (33:52) So I'm most active on Instagram, I would say. So you can find me at Confident Teen Teacher. Apart from that, I am opening my books right now for teen audits. So that's the first step. If your teen is looking for support, that's the first step they can take on their journey. Just fill out that application and then we do that initial audit and action plan to see if it's a good fit. And then we would move into a coaching container if it is. So you can find all of that at my website. It's just Christy Simons, S-I-M-O-N-S, my goodness, can't even spell my last name, .com forward slash teen audit. And then, the podcast as well. Yeah, if you love listening to podcasts like this one, and you just love listening to inspiring and meaningful conversations, yeah, Confident Teen Podcast, wherever you listen to your podcasts. Dr. Cam (34:29) Fantastic, and I will put all the stuff in the notes so people can find it. Christy, thank you so much for joining me today. Kristi Simons (34:52) Thank you. It was lovely. I told you, I feel so freaking energized. So energized. Dr. Cam (34:57) I know I love talking about this stuff. This is great. I really enjoyed talking to you too. About the Show The Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Podcast is your go-to resource for navigating the challenges of raising teenagers. Hosted by Dr. Cam Caswell, an adolescent psychologist and certified parenting coach, this podcast offers expert advice, practical parenting strategies, and real-world insights to help you build a stronger relationship with your teen and support their emotional growth. Whether you’re struggling with teenage behavior or looking to improve communication, each episode provides actionable tips to make parenting teens easier and more rewarding. #ParentingTeens #TeenConfidence #RaisingResilientTeens #TheTeenTranslator | |||
| 22 Nov 2020 | Making Difficult Choices for Our Teens (and Sticking to Them!) | 00:15:54 | |
Are you tossing and turning at night worrying about whether or not you made the right choice about school? Are you stressing out about how that choice is going to impact your kids (and you)? Are your kids sulking and b*tching about the choice you made? You're not alone! Dr. Cam has a few ideas that may help. If you found this episode helpful, please LIKE, FOLLOW, & SHARE. Learn more about Dr. Cam at www.AskDrCam.com. | |||
| 26 Sep 2020 | Teen Takeover! | 00:17:23 | |
What happens when you let your teen daughter take over your FB Live about Parenting Teens? Listen and find out! Today Alexa's doing the show for me SOLO while I’m in an all-day workshop. I’m giving her free rein...so it could be interesting 🤔 😱 If you found this episode helpful, please LIKE, FOLLOW, & SHARE. Learn more about Dr. Cam and her daughter at www.AskDrCam.com | |||
| 26 Sep 2020 | Teens and ADHD | 00:19:46 | |
In this episode, Dr. Cam is joined by her 14-year-old daughter to talk about ADHD from a teen perspective. If you have a child with ADHD or another learning difference or if you are a teen with a learning difference, this video will offer you encouragement and show you're not in this alone! If you found this episode helpful, please LIKE, FOLLOW, & SHARE. Learn more about Dr. Cam at www.AskDrCam.com
| |||
| 10 Dec 2020 | Talking to Teens About Drugs and Alcohol with Sam Anthony | 00:23:54 | |
Ever worry about your teen drinking alcohol, using drugs, or vaping? In this episode, Dr. Cam is joined by Sam Anthony, a professional speaker, lifestyle coach, and personal trainer in long term recovery from substance use disorder, who uses his personal experiences with drugs, alcohol, depression, anxiety, suicidal behavior, recovery, mental fitness, spiritual fitness, and physical fitness to educate and motivate both adults and teenagers. Sam and Dr. Cam discuss why teens turn to substance use and what parents can do to prevent it OR address it when it happens. Connect with Sam Anthony www.samanthonyspeaks.com | Facebook | Instagram | Twitter | YouTube | LinkedIn
Connect with Dr. Cam www.askdrcam.com | Facebook | Instagram | LinkedIn | Twitter | YouTube | iTunes If you found this episode helpful, please LIKE, FOLLOW, REVIEW & SHARE. Thanks :)
| |||
| 02 Jan 2023 | Raising Teens in a Hypercompetitive Culture with Cindy Muchnick | 00:28:56 | |
If you want your teen to thrive within our current hypercompetitive culture and uncertain landscape, this episode is for you. In this episode I’m joined by Cindy Muchnick, Educational Consultant and author of The Parent Compass: Navigating Your Teen's Wellness and Academic Journey in Today's Competitive World, which Katie Couric selected as one of the top 11 fall parenting reads. Cindy shows us how we can best support our teens without having to frantically tutor, manage, and helicopter them. 7 points to the Parent Compass
Resources Mentioned in This Episode
Thanks for Listening! Thanks so much for listening to our podcast! If you enjoyed this episode and think that others would appreciate the guidance and encouragement, please take a quick moment to rate and review. Reviews from my listeners are extremely valuable and greatly appreciated. Review on iTunes.
Subscribe to the Podcast If you would like to get automatic updates of new podcast episodes, you can subscribe to the podcast on iTunes, YouTube, Google, Spotify. You can also subscribe from the podcast app on your mobile device or listen LIVE in my Private Facebook Group. | |||
| 01 Dec 2020 | Self Care with Holistic Health Coach Heather Fruzzetti | 00:21:24 | |
Heather Fruzzetti, a Holistic Health Coach and founder of www.stronger-longer.com talks to Dr. Cam about: 😌 How to manage our stress. Heather teaches us a powerful calming technique that we can use and teach our teens to use. 🛀 Why self-care is important and how to fit it into our busy schedules 🛡️ Coping skills and self-care ideas to help manage everyday stressors
Bio As a busy mother of three, Heather became a Holistic Health Coach to fulfill her passion for helping busy parents improve their health, happiness, and family life. Heather specializes in nutrition and self-care to support immune system health, and in her spare time enjoys spending time with her family and friends, running, gardening, practicing yoga, and writing. Heather received her training from the Institute for Integrative Nutrition, where she received in-depth training in nutrition, health and wellness, and coaching skills, and earned her BA from the University of Virginia, and MBA from the University of Chicago’s Booth School of Business.
Connect with Heather Fruzzetti Facebook: Strongerlongerhealth Instagram: @stronger.longer LinkedIn: Heather Fruzzetti
Connect with Dr. Cam www.askdrcam.com | Facebook | Instagram | LinkedIn | Twitter | YouTube If you found this episode helpful, please LIKE, FOLLOW, REVIEW & SHARE. Thanks :) | |||
| 07 Sep 2021 | How to help our teens go back into the classroom with Dr. Megan Sweet | 00:25:10 | |
Today I’m talking with author and leader in school reform, Dr. Megan Sweet (@Your3Eyes). Dr. Sweet has almost 30 years of experience as a classroom teacher and school administer and for the past 15 years has been a leader in system-wide school reform. Her book is “An Education Guide for Using Your 3 Eyes.” Dr. Sweet is also the cohost of the education-based podcast The Awakening Educator, which covers topics such as equity, trauma-informed approaches to instruction, school lunch programs, and more. Dr. Sweet and I are talking about:
FREE STUFF!
If you found this episode valuable, please take a quick moment to comment and share. This helps other parents like you find the show. Thank you!! | |||
| 21 Nov 2024 | Empowering Girls: Combating Gender Bias & Sexism for a Confident Future | 00:44:27 | |
Dr. Cam and Dr. Jo-Ann Finkelstein take a deep dive into the impact of gender bias and sexism on young girls. They discuss how societal messages affect girls' confidence, self-worth, and opportunities. Dr. Finkelstein shares powerful insights on validating girls' experiences, teaching self-advocacy, and redefining their value beyond appearance. The conversation also highlights the importance of helping girls express emotions like anger, recognize microaggressions, and take up space in a world that often tries to shrink them. Plus, they explore how parents can raise empathetic sons who challenge gender norms. WHAT YOU'LL LEARN IN THIS EPISODE
Don’t keep it to yourself! Share your favorite episode, leave a rating and review, and help other parents find the support they need. Your feedback helps me create even more episodes filled with practical, real-world parenting strategies. Thanks so much for your support! 🙏💫 🔔 Hit Follow so you never miss another solution-packed episode! RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE
00:00 Understanding Gender Bias and Its Impact 06:05 Empowering Girls in a Biased World 14:10 Redefining Value Beyond Appearance 19:07 Building Confidence and Advocacy Skills 22:11 Empowering Girls to Express Emotions 25:00 Teaching Girls to Take Up Space 28:25 Recognizing and Addressing Microaggressions 32:49 Navigating Gender Bias and Self-Advocacy 37:11 Raising Empathetic Sons 42:24 Key Takeaways for Parents CONNECT WITH OUR GUEST: Dr. Jo-Ann Finkelstein
Dr. Cam (00:00) In today's episode, we tackle a critical issue that affects countless young girls, sexism and gender bias. Did you know that as of 2023, women still earn about 82 cents for every dollar earned by men or that women hold just 27 % of executive positions in Fortune 500 companies despite making up nearly half of the workforce? The reality is that gender bias starts early and can significantly impact girls' confidence, opportunities and futures. That's why I'm looking forward to talking to Dr. Joanne Finkelstein, a clinical psychologist and author of Sexism and Sensibility, Raising Empowered Resilient Girls in the Modern World. Dr. Finkelstein is here to share practical strategies for protecting our daughters from these pervasive issues, fostering their resilience and empowering them to navigate a world where gender bias still unfortunately exists.
Welcome Dr.. Finkelstein.
Jo-Ann Finkelstein, PhD (00:59) It's so great to be here, Dr. Cam.
Dr. Cam (01:02) So good to have you. So this is such an important topic. Let's start first. Why are you interested in this? What kind of inspired you to talk about and help girls deal with gender bias and sexism?
Jo-Ann Finkelstein, PhD (01:16) I grew up in Canada. You know, I live in the States, but I grew up in Canada with three brothers. Canada, know, hockey is a national obsession. So I like to tell this story because it didn't make it into the book, but it has become family lore. And my family was really surprised that it didn't make it into the book. In any case. My three brothers, like they love to play hockey and I wanted to play too. So I asked my parents for, you know, a hockey stick. And to my delight, they bought me one. But to my horror, it was bright pink and looked like a toy version of my brother's. And by the way, you will find out along the way, I don't have anything against pink, but that is not what I was looking for, right?
Dr. Cam (01:47) But it was a big statement.
Jo-Ann Finkelstein, PhD (02:09) It was a big statement and I've worked with girls and women for the last 24 plus years in my private practice. And what I discovered is that my pink hockey stick is every girl's story, right? Girls constantly get messages that make them feel unseen, unheard, not taken seriously. And I witness, right, on a daily basis how harmful these messages are to my patient's sense of self and sense of potential. The messages aret hey seem small, right? But they're like tiny psychological paper cuts that accumulate and become these festering wounds of self-doubt over time. And growing up, when I would get upset about gender differences, people insisted that they didn't exist or they'd say, you're too sensitive or stop being so dramatic. And all your listeners out there, they know this, right? Because they're classic comments. But at the time, I didn't know that. So in any case,
Fast forward to avoid criticism, I learned to hide my feelings and it wasn't until years later when I was doing a master's degree that I really began to understand that experience. And it happened because I mentioned in a paper for my developmental psychology class that I'd been accused of overreacting when I felt demeaned. And the professor scribbled in the margins, that's what people say to talk girls out of their feelings. It was such a validating moment for me.
Dr. Cam (03:34) That's great.
Jo-Ann Finkelstein, PhD (03:35) So basically, to get to a long story, validating girls' experiences and opening parents' eyes to the effects of sexism and gender bias are why I wrote the book. There two reasons why I
Dr. Cam (03:50) I love that. And I think awareness is so important because I see even women being biased and sexist to other women because it is so great, you know, just pounded in our head. And I can remember, because I mean, anybody that is an adult woman has either experienced most likely a lot or knows people that have experienced extreme sexism and gender bias. And I remember pointing out at one point at a job that the traits of a leader as defined of what a leader is are traits that define the typical best traits of a man and what defines a bitch as a woman. You're, you, you have no chance. Yeah, you have no chance of being a leader because if you're a woman and have the traits of a leader, then you are disliked so much. So it's,
Jo-Ann Finkelstein, PhD (04:32) That is exactly right. And it's true. I mean, it's bears out in the research. Right, or if you do become a leader, right, you are jumping through so many hoops to not be perceived as a bitch and then often you are, are, you know, sort of like what's happening with Kamala Harris and, you know, people are saying you're too soft. So you really are stuck between a rock and a hard place.
Dr. Cam (04:49) I think calling attention to these and also calling attention and they've shown so many times that actually some of the traits that are typical, there are gender differences. We've got to be real with that. But I think what it is is what we value is more of the masculine and what we use is insults. Like you fight like a girl, you run like a girl, you do this like a girl. They're insults rather than showing some of the strengths that are typical feminine traits actually are amazing in different roles, but we undermine them. So let's start with, we've got our teen daughter and she's living in high school and she's getting these messages already. We already know that STEM is still something that girls are kind of looked over on. We know that, again, the sports are separated, everything like that. So how do we as parents start empowering our girls to see their worth?
Jo-Ann Finkelstein, PhD (05:42) That's a great question. And that's sort of my whole book. So let's unpack it. You know, I think the most important thing to remember is that we're playing the long game here. We can't just say, you know, the culture's broken, you're not broken. Right. But we we want them to understand that many of the messages that they're getting are informing their choices.
Dr. Cam (06:08) Good! Let's go! Read to us your book!
Jo-Ann Finkelstein, PhD (06:34) For instance, clothing. I know a lot of people are really interested when their kids are becoming teenagers about their wearing crop tops and showing a lot of cleavage and wearing heels before parents are ready for the kids to wear heels and all of that. And so we're trying to help them understand, we're between wanting them to make their own choices, feel good in their own bodies, embrace their budding sexuality, or at least be unashamed of it. But seeing themselves through a system that values them, that values women packaged for a marketplace of male desire leaves little room for pimples and tummy rolls. So we're trying to help them understand that As I once said to my daughter, a crop top or a cigar is just a cigar, but a crop top Brazilian wax and something else is, you know, not as free choice as it seems. And so over time, we're trying to help them see that the culture doesn't always respect women, that the culture values their their appearance and their sexuality over all of their other characteristics and that we're not going to let that happen and that we want them to see, we want them to make their own choices, we understand that feeling good in their body is really important and that nobody should be able to take that away from them. But at times it makes them unsafe, it makes them a target, and it makes them focus more on their bodies than on other things in their life that are important.
Dr. Cam (08:34) Now, Dr. Drew, I want to unpack this a little bit because I think this is something that I, as a mom of a daughter, I've struggled with a lot because even in that, when our kids want to wear whatever is popular, right? And it is. They like to wear these cute little crop tops and they want to wear these things. we're like, you can't wear those because those sexualize you. But that's sexist right there because who are they sexualizing them to men? So we now have to change the way we dress to accommodate What men may think of us rather than to dress the way we feel comfortable and confident in that upsets me The focus is more on you can't wear something that might tempt some guy rather than teaching our men Not to treat women like that like women have to protect themselves rather than teaching men not to mistreat women. Why is that? You can tell I'm passionate about that.
Jo-Ann Finkelstein, PhD (09:38) Well, yeah, I mean, and I am too, and I'm glad to hear that in your voice because it's really not fair. And I think what we want parents, first of all, to understand is that people in everything or women in everything from bikinis to burkas are harassed or assaulted. So there's no research that shows that there is an association between what you wear and being assaulted. But we do want kids to understand that they may be treated differently. They may be seen as not as smart. And so we, you know, I think we can say to them exactly what you just said. It's not fair. You should not be responsible for anybody else's reactions to you. And I want you to know that you might be.
And so they're making the choices of how they dress from an informed place. And you know, by the way, most of the kids, until at least their later teens, what kids tell me all the time is, I'm not dressing for guys. And they're really not, right? They're dressing for their peers. They're dressing because that's the trend. This is what teen brands are selling. And they wanna fit in.
Dr. Cam (10:58) They feel empowered when they wear this outfit. They feel empowered. And I think them being able to show who they are and feel empowered is so important. So I'm curious from your perspective, is it more important to say you shouldn't wear that because this might be how people see you or you should wear that because you feel empowered? Here's how to handle it when people treat you poorly.
Jo-Ann Finkelstein, PhD (11:29) I mean, I think it's really, you I don't like to tell people how to parent, but I, I, yes, we could forbid them to wear clothes they like and that help them fit in, but that does little for our relationship with them, Right, and it makes it us against, you know, rather than make it us against the culture, it makes it us against them. And the fight.
Dr. Cam (11:45) or for their confidence.
Jo-Ann Finkelstein, PhD (11:56) over autonomy in general and clothing in particular, it just harms too many parent relationships. you know, my mantra is to educate, not control. And again, the long game over time, we want them to understand that the world is trying to package them in a certain way. And we want them to tune into what makes them feel good, what makes them comfortable. And so what makes them comfortable in the beginning is fitting in, right? And so, you know, if, so if they're gonna wear that, you know, and you normally don't want it, like as they're walking out the door, if you say something, you will shame them and they will be conscious of their body. So it's like, we want to be having these conversations in advance and like throughout the book I talk about all of the ways we can have conversations with our kids that are more abstract, that don't target them, that help them think in critical ways. And so yeah, you might say, I wouldn't tie it to the clothes, but I would say just being a girl, you might be walking to the store, you might be walking to a friend's house and you might get catcalled. Or how do you feel when you get catcalled, you know, depending on the age of the kid.
And you start a conversation about things that you can do, right? And there are ways we, there are often the safest thing to do is to just have them walk on, to ignore it. Sometimes that can escalate it because they want a reaction. So maybe you nod, but of course, a lot of kids and a lot of women, right? After the fact, they're like, I wish I had said this. I wish I had said that. And so you might give them three things that they can have up their sleeve if they deem it to be safe enough, like the guy's on the third floor and your ride is pulling up, then you can say, you know, is that the way you talk to your mom? Whatever it is, there's a variety of ways that I outline in the book that they can respond to a cat caller or to somebody who's making them feel bad about just existing.
Dr. Cam (13:59) I'm thinking as we're talking about this, go, we right now are falling into the sexism, gender bias trap because we went right to appearance when we're talking about women. We did. We're women. We went right there. So how do we help our kids, our girls see themselves as far more valuable than their appearance and help them because right now when we protect our girls from so much, we're just continuing the sexism because we're protecting them from what's out there rather than helping them and helping them break through it. Right? So how do we empower our girls to see themselves for the value that they are, which is not this surface level appearance, which the world leads us to believe is our only value.
Jo-Ann Finkelstein, PhD (15:13) Right. And one of the reasons we went right there is because globally speaking, girls believe their most important asset is their appearance. Right. They're seeing it all over television. So, you know, one of the things is starting from when they're very young, we just don't comment on their appearance. And I know it's very natural to do that, A, because it's so ingrained in us.
Dr. Cam (15:21) Of course, because that's what they've grown up to learn.
Jo-Ann Finkelstein, PhD (15:41) be because they just are so cute to us, right? And so we want to say, you're so beautiful. But, know, always be body neutral. Don't focus on their body as much as possible. When you do focus on their body, make it about what their bodies can do, how they function, not how they look, right? You can start with your own body. my gosh, you have a dog that loves to be chased. Like I'm so lucky that I have these really strong legs that allow me to chase Rover, you know? What can your body do? And then as they get older, because we're talking about adolescents now, right, you're focusing on their character, their effort that they make, things that they weren't born with necessarily, or that they can apply in a mirror. Let's say there are times we can tell our kids they're beautiful, right? I mean, you don't want to like suppress it all of the time. There are times when. Well, you know what the thing is, it does.
Dr. Cam (17:17) Yeah, because then they think they're ugly. If you're never told that they're beautiful, they'll go right to, must be ugly.
Jo-Ann Finkelstein, PhD (17:26) Well, the thing is the rest of the world is doing that for us. They're always commenting on their cute outfit and their cute nose. And so I think parents really don't have to fill in that much in that area. But what they can do, like if they've just had a big belly laugh with their daughter and they say, you are so beautiful, or they've just had this like incredible discussion about climate change and they say, you are so beautiful, then she knows you mean all of her.
And when they're balled up in tears and they're saying, I'm ugly, of course it's our natural instinct to say, what are you talking about? You are so beautiful. But that just sort of emphasizes that pretty is important. And we don't want to do that. And they don't believe us anyway, because if they think they're ugly, they're getting the message from their peers. They're getting messages from social media that they don't fit some standard. And so really we want to talk to them about there's these crazy standards out there.
Dr. Cam (18:08) Correct.
Jo-Ann Finkelstein, PhD (18:26) and you may fit them or you may not fit them, but that's not what's important. What's important is that you, you know, and it's like, of course you want to fit in, you want to be beautiful. I personally think you're incredibly beautiful, but that's something you have to come to know on your own, right? Because they're just, they're not going to believe us if we just say you're beautiful. They don't.
Dr. Cam (18:47) So what are some skills that we want to help our girls develop that sometimes gets overlooked with girls to help empower them to be that, to be a strong human being, to be a confident human being and to self advocate. That's a big one.
Jo-Ann Finkelstein, PhD (19:06) That's a big one. Yeah, I think one of the things that I talk about in the book is that girls don't grow up with a healthy sense of entitlement, right? When we think of the word entitlement, we usually think of it pejoratively, like it's somebody who's too demanding. But girls are actually not demanding enough. And that, Dr. Kam, starts in third grade. Really, there's research that shows by third grade girls stop asking for as much as boys, especially when they're negotiating with a man, right? So in one, they're negotiating for their favorite stickers and they can ask for anything they want, but they ask for two fewer than boys do. And here's the kicker, this reflects the gender gap in negotiation that we see in adulthood, right? So yes, we want, there's all kinds of fit all kinds of ways that we can that we are teaching them not to do that. And there are all kinds of ways that we can like I like to call it our and our parenting replace or recognize and replace. And so one of the things we can do is make sure you brought up advocating, right? Make sure that they're advocating for themselves. When they go out for dinner at the restaurant when they're at the vet. if they have a question, right? And you're working up to, from the time they're little, with them being able to speak out loud and hear their own voices. The other thing we do is we teach them to be likable more than we teach them to have the need for respect.
Another thing, they don't feel entitled to money. Right? Why? Because we don't talk to girls about money as much as we talk to boys. We actually don't pay them as much for chores, research shows. We don't save as much for college. I know. And one more thing is voice, right? Which is also what you're getting at with advocating is why don't we, why don't they feel as entitled to have a voice because we interrupt them. Men and women interrupt women more, right? And so if you live, if you have a daughter and there are men in the house, statistically speaking, she is being interrupted more than her brother. And so we can say, hey, wait a minute, I noticed you were being interrupted or, you know, just sort of alert brother when he's dominating the conversation and you can teach her it's okay to speak up. You will be interrupted in life. That is sometimes what happens. And we need to help you speak up because your voice is really important and what you have to say is very meaningful.
Dr. Cam (22:10) I think that is so key because when we're raising kids, when we're raising girls, as parents, we have to make sure we listen to their voice too. I think we shut them down, especially if they sound like they're whining or they're sad, we shut down their sadness. We definitely shut down anger. One thing I've noticed is that girls struggle to express anger. It goes into tears. I know personally that's what I do because anger wasn't allowed for girls. so giving them freedom to be angry and express that anger right there, I think is so empowering.
Jo-Ann Finkelstein, PhD (22:48) Yes, I'm so glad you said that because, you know, good is the gold standard for girls in a way it isn't for boys and anger is not good. Right. And so I actually had a mom contact me after she read the book. Recently, she emailed me and said, I just read your book. And my God, I realized that I was shutting down my daughter's anger and strong opinions more than my sons, even though my son is more critical, even though my son has stronger opinions. And so what she did is she went to her daughter and said, I think this is what's happening. And I don't know why it's happening. I think maybe, you know, girls aren't supposed to have strong opinions. I know that girls with strong opinions often get shut down. So I'm having this like internalized sexist reaction. And her daughter started to cry from the recognition because she knew something was off. She would complain mom didn't listen to her, but it wasn't quite that. And so there was this real reparative moment where her mom could say, I'm doing this. And then, you know, it opens up space for the daughter to say, hey, mom, I think this is happening rather if it happens again, rather than it turn into this big fight, you never listen and stomp out of the room. And so, yeah, when one of the ways that I outline is tolerating girls' tolerating their anger, right? Which doesn't mean tolerating rudeness, but it does mean knowing that you get uncomfortable with their anger.
Dr. Cam (24:19) It's so important because women need to know that they can say no. I think women get raised to be people pleasers because they get in less trouble when they just comply. I don't see men apologize for every little thing as much as I see women apologizing for like everything. I think women learn to make themselves small so they don't get in the way of other people.
How do we teach our girls to take up space?
Jo-Ann Finkelstein, PhD (24:59) I'm writing a sub-staff newsletter right now about modesty, because when we hear the word modesty, we sort of think of it as like so last century with like the long dresses and the high collars. Right. And but really there are all these other ways that we're teaching behavioral modesty, right? So that we and that's all part of being good, right? We ask girls to downplay their accomplishments so that they don't seem conceited. We ask them to, you know, for like the gentle handshakes and the soft-spokenness, like they're rewarded for that because it's so feminine, right? And so there's, we expect this demureness from them and that infiltrates everything. And so when they do speak up or when they do have something they want to say or do, they apologize first. Like, I'm so sorry that I want this or I'm so sorry that I need this, right?
Dr. Cam (26:10) It's hard. I, I noticed even with me, I will giggle after I say something that is either controversial or anything like that, just to, and I hate when I do that because I don't want to do it, but I, it's so instinctual to soften whatever I just said, to kind of, it is, it is my apology. It's my way apologizing for saying something that I don't need to apologize for.
Jo-Ann Finkelstein, PhD (26:27) I wrote a book about sexism and I still find myself people pleasing. And it's like it's it's because, you know, it's something that right from the time kids are little, we are rewarding girls for their cooperation and their collaboration and with boys. We don't teach that as much, right? And they actually come to see, like when we expect that from boys, it can start to seem emasculating. And, you know, so we, all the time we say, girls can be anything boys can be. Because like you were saying in the beginning, we value the masculine over the feminine, right? We value baseball over fashion. We value, you know, understanding finance over understanding intimacy, right? Right. And we talk to, and we talk, look, we use many more emotion-focused words with girls as infants than we do with boys. And with boys, we use more achievement-related language like proud, win, best. But of course, those are things, you know, being able to be, to own your sense of competitiveness and also being able to be emotional are important for everybody. So why are we doing this really binary thing? Because it's unconscious, because it's so much of what we learn, because we are magnifying these very small differences that we see in infants when they're born, right? But normally, but you know, research shows if you don't actually play into those differences, they disappear.
Dr. Cam (28:03) How do we teach our girls to recognize these microaggressions against women? How do we teach them to recognize those and how to stand up for themselves in a way that, I mean, this isn't about being suddenly nasty or rude because that completely feeds into the stereotype too, right? Don't become a Karen. So how do we teach our girls to be assertive in situations where they feel like they're being mistreated.
Jo-Ann Finkelstein, PhD (29:01) In the book, I tell the story about how I first introduced sexism to my daughter, right? And in the book, I call it a sexism detector. We want it to be sort of like a smoke detector that it only goes off when it's actually needed. But because it can be hard, it can be really hard to tell if something's sexist, right? Because often it's so invisible or it's very subtle. In the past, it used to be much more, maybe it was more obvious. And it's more subtle today because we have movements like Me Too and because we have books like Sexism and Sensibility. So a lot of it is sort of going underground, but just because it's more subtle does not make it less damaging. So I was much more hesitant with my daughter to talk about sexism than with my son because I didn't want to make her feel inferior. I didn't want her to feel like a target, right? So basically what happened is we were watching MasterChef Jr. as a family and the first season she was like, the girl's gonna win. I think the girl's gonna win. I really want the girl to win. And you know, the girl didn't win. And then this went on for several seasons and like we were watching reruns so like we could sort of plow through it. And each season I could see like her hope diminish. And eventually I was like, what am I doing?
There's so many obvious signs of sexism, obvious to me, but not to little her. So I started to say, you know what? There's something going on here and the girl's not winning in part, I think, because all the judges are men. And they're probably not doing it on purpose, but they're identifying with the boys. And so I picked out things like, do you see how they say to the boy, my God, this is an amazing dish, I can't wait to visit your restaurant when you get older. And to the girls, they would say, wow, this is an amazing dish. Is this a fluke or could you do it again? Right. And then you wonder why every woman that walks in my office has imposter syndrome. So basically over time, we're teaching them, we're pointing out an everyday life because the world gives us endless teachable moments. Right. We're saying, wow, did you notice that the waiter did not make eye contact with me until he realized that I was paying and going to be giving the test.
You're saying they often think that the man is gonna pay and so they're not nice to the woman or they're making these assumptions. And that's something that you're gonna experience in your life from time to time and I just want you to be aware of it. Right? And we can talk about it when it happens. Because if you bring it into the home and you say that you know that gender bias and sexism exists and it's not okay, but it's not about them, it's about the culture. here we are, we're trying to fix the culture and it is getting better over time. You always wanna balance the darkness with hope.
Dr. Cam (32:18) Right. Here's the challenge though, too, that I see is when you are a girl or a woman and you point out things like that, that feel biased rather than people, men often, even women, self-correcting, they turn it around as you're being too sensitive or I've been left out of meetings because it's like, well, we can't be ourselves if there's a woman there, because now we can't be ourselves, which means what? Right? Now we have to be careful that we're not sexist. So that is a challenge too, because you might get left out of the circle or you might get kind of labeled if you make a big deal out of being treated unequally.
Jo-Ann Finkelstein, PhD (32:51) Part of it is every child is different and some kids are going to feel more comfortable standing up for themselves and some aren't. Right. So the big thing that I want to get across to all girls is it's not them. Right. They do not need fixing. The culture needs fixing. Right. But that they are. So we're trying to intervene before they really internalize all of this stuff. And that hopefully over time, as it becomes more acceptable in the culture, and it already is, they will feel comfortable standing up. And if they can, if they can be, if they can employ bystander intervention, which just means speaking up when it happens to somebody else, then when it happens to them, they are more likely not to think this was my fault. This was something I asked for. This was something I did wrong.
I shouldn't have said that to him. I shouldn't have looked at him like this. I shouldn't have gone home with him, right? So the more we can talk about it, the more they'll feel like they can stand up for it. But we also want them to, we wanna give them permission to walk away when they feel like they can't stand up for themselves, when they feel like it's dangerous.
Right? We just want them to know, like that's what I started to say before. If we bring it into the home, they'll even if they can't say anything there or they don't feel comfortable saying anything there, they can always come home and talk to us because we've already let them know. We know this exists. You did not ask for this. This is not your responsibility to fix, but I want to hear about it.
Dr. Cam (35:02) It's basically protecting them from being gaslit. Right? Do you think that's part of it? And there I just giggled. It's part of, so it's protecting them from, and what you're saying is it's, so they're not internalizing it. They're not as impacted when people say something by taking it personally. They can separate and say, that person is having issues with me being a woman.
Jo-Ann Finkelstein, PhD (35:07) Essentially. Essentially.
Dr. Cam (35:32) It has nothing to do with me being a woman. It has nothing to do with me personally.
Jo-Ann Finkelstein, PhD (35:34) Right, like in the book, right, and you're right, like a lot of, it happens so often that we really can't react to every little thing, right? So we're giving them the tools to just sort of swiftly decode what's happening in the moment. But you know, I interviewed a group of eighth graders for the book and they were like, it's fine. I mean, I don't like when he snaps my bra strap, but it's fine.
Dr. Cam (35:44) No, it's too right. That's crazy.
Jo-Ann Finkelstein, PhD (36:03) And the thing is, what we're trying to have girls understand is like, yes, there are times you have to brush it off and I want you to know it's not fine because over time, research shows that this affects your self-esteem and your sense of potential. It places so much focus on your body that you can't focus on other things.
Dr. Cam (36:26) Yeah, that's really important to keep that message going. I think too, and everything you've been saying, I haven't gotten the gist of that, but making sure this isn't about blame either. This isn't about men are bad, men are evil, men are, this is not about that at all. I think it's just pointing out that this is the way that we've all been raised to believe and that it's going to take time to change that belief that it's not the intent isn't sometimes it is, but the intent isn't to be sexist more than it is just completely unaware. Do you feel like that's fair to say?
Jo-Ann Finkelstein, PhD (37:10) You mean among boys and men? Yeah, I think right. I think actually this sort of patriarchal culture that our kids are growing up in, it hurts boys as much as it hurts girls. And what I've come to understand being in private practice for so long and talk and, know, I have many boys and men that are patients too, that we need to change the culture, not just because it will help our daughters. but because it will help our sons too, right? So what we're doing is we're cutting off half of their humanity, right? If you can't express your, if you're a woman or a girl, you know, an adolescent and you can't express your autonomy and your competitiveness and your authority, that's cutting off an important part of who you are.
And if you're a boy and you can't express your emotionality and your wish for connection and cooperation, that's cutting off half your humanity. And so I want this as much for boys as I do for girls.
Dr. Cam (38:19) Let's go there real quick because I think we mentioned at the very beginning, there's, it's put on the women to make change, right? And we end up adapting ourselves to fit into a man's world. How do we raise sons that are less or aren't sexist?
Jo-Ann Finkelstein, PhD (38:45) That's a really good question and I do have a whole section in the book on that. You know, I think for one, especially when you're a teenage boy, girls have a lot of power over you. And so often the Me Too movement doesn't make sense to them. They feel like they're being blamed. And so the really important thing that we wanna do is explain sexism to them help them understand it as much as we're helping our girls understand it because they don't understand the history. They don't understand the focus on girls' appearance. They don't understand. They really don't get how vigilant a girl has to be every moment of her life out in the world. And I think the more they come to understand that, the more empathy they'll have for her and for girls in general. And another thing I would say is For their whole growing up experience, don't separate boys and girls. As much as possible, keep these cross-gender friendships going.
Dr. Cam (39:49) Yeah, you're right. There's so much separation. And then we don't understand one another and we don't learn from one another. And it does create this very just polarizing women, men. And I've been seeing this too, is that the container of what it is to be a man and a woman, I feel are so restraining that no one actually fits into that container. which then creates a whole nother level of insecurity because I don't fit that perfect container that is completely unrealistic, which means where do I fit?
Jo-Ann Finkelstein, PhD (40:23) Yes. And the container for women is their bodies, right? Like their bodies have to be shrunk and fit this certain standard. And for boys, it's really their masculinity, right? There's this constant nagging feeling that they're not boy enough. Even the most boy boys feel that way. And it's really sad. And with my son, in terms of like your question of what do you do, I've taken the long view. Like he might not be able now to stand up to his friends and be like, that's so sexist, right? But if I'm pointing it out, if I overhear things that they're saying, I'm, you know, there's a story in the book, right? About a friend of mine who called me and she had overheard her friend, she had overheard her son who was a new freshmen, just making friends, had them over to the house and they were saying words like ho and thought, right? That whatever, that ho over there and she didn't say anything because she didn't want to be the one who sort of single-handedly shamed them and got in the way of him making friends. And so she called me and she was like, my God, what am I going to do? Like, I feel like I missed the moment. And I was like, you did not miss the moment at all. This is just perfect food for fodder. And so she went and she talked to him about what she had overheard and he was like, mom, it's just a joke. And you know, even the girls laugh at it.
And she was like, yeah, I'm sure they do because they've been conditioned to, but there's no reason that we should laugh at girls' sexuality and elevate boys' sexuality. And I was like, boom, right? And so that was just a lesson in passing. She didn't harp on it. It was just something she could say. And over time, hopefully this message sinks into that boy and he starts to be able to think that way as well.
Dr. Cam (42:08) I love that. the takeaway I'm getting is it's really in modeling how we are as mothers and just showing our power, talking to our girls and boys equally and focusing on both sides of who they are. And I want to ask you, what is your big takeaway that you want parents to walk away with?
Jo-Ann Finkelstein, PhD (42:52) that's a great question. I want parents to know that sexism and gender bias affect girls much more than you think. But if you understand how to approach it, you can reduce the negative effects of it.
Dr. Cam (43:16) Great. That is wonderful. So Dr. Jo, tell us more about your book and how people can find you.
Jo-Ann Finkelstein, PhD (43:23) Yes, so the book is called Sexism and Sensibility, Raising Empowered Resilient Girls in the Modern World. You can find it wherever books are sold. It's also an audiobook that I narrate and it is you can find me at JoanneFengelstein.com or I have a newsletter that's JoanneFengelstein.substack.com called The Feminist Parent and I'm on Instagram at joannfingelstein.phd and on TikTok at the same handle.
Dr. Cam (44:00) All of them. That's great. And I love that you played off of a Jane Austen book because Jane Austen writes some really powerful women. So that's a great play. Love it. All right. Thank you so much for joining us. Really appreciate you.
Jo-Ann Finkelstein, PhD (44:08) She sure does.Thank you, Dr. Cam, it's been fun. ABOUT THE SHOWThe Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Podcast is your go-to resource for navigating the challenges of raising teenagers. Hosted by Dr. Cam Caswell, an adolescent psychologist and certified parenting coach, this podcast delivers practical parenting strategies, expert advice, and real-world insights to help parents strengthen their relationship with their teens. Whether you’re struggling with teenage behavior, communication, or self-esteem issues, this podcast offers actionable solutions to make parenting teens easier and more rewarding. #empoweringgirls #genderbias #raisingstronggirls #parentingtips | |||
| 20 Jun 2024 | Protecting Teens from Diet Culture: How to Foster Positive Body Image & Healthy Habits | 00:36:43 | |
Did you know that 20% of adolescents in the U.S. experience symptoms of body dysmorphia or eating disorders? The pressure to achieve unrealistic beauty standards is stronger than ever, thanks to social media and diet culture. As a parent, you want to protect your teen from these harmful influences—but how? In this episode, Dr. Cam is joined by Dr. Kelli Rugless, a licensed psychologist, certified eating disorders specialist, and the Chief Clinical Officer at Project HEAL, a non-profit dedicated to making eating disorder treatment accessible to all. Together, they uncover the dangers of diet culture, the role of social media, and how parents can support their teens in developing a healthy relationship with food and their bodies.
WHAT YOU'LL LEARN IN THIS EPISODE
5 KEY TAKEAWAYS FOR PARENTS OF TEENS
🎧❤️ ENJOYING THE SHOW? Don’t keep it to yourself! Share your favorite episode and leave a rating and review to help other parents find the support they need. Your feedback helps me create even more episodes filled with practical tips for you and your family! Thanks so much for your support! 🙏💫 🔔 Remember to hit Follow so you never miss another solution-packed episode! 🙌
RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE
EPISODE CHAPTERS:
CONNECT WITH OUR GUEST: Dr. Kelli Rugless
CONNECT WITH YOUR HOST: Dr. Cam Caswell
FULL TRANSCRIPT
Dr. Cam (00:00.454) Hello parents, Dr. Cam here. Today we're diving into a critical issue—the constant pressure of diet culture and its impact on our teens. Did you know a whopping 20% of adolescents in the U.S. experience symptoms of body dysmorphia or eating disorders? Is the unrealistic expectation bombarding them on social media to blame? Joining me to shed light on this topic is the amazing Dr. Kelli Rugless, a licensed psychologist, Certified Eating Disorder Specialist, and the Chief Clinical Officer at Project HEAL, a remarkable nonprofit fighting for everyone to have access to eating disorder healing. Dr. Rugless, welcome to the show. Kelli Rugless, PsyD (00:40.369) Thank you for having me. Dr. Cam (00:41.958) Absolutely. So let's start at the beginning. What inspired you to specialize in eating disorders? Kelli Rugless, PsyD (00:48.049) Honestly, I was not inspired by anything. Truthfully, I went into graduate school thinking that eating disorders were the last thing I wanted to work with. I think they get a bad rap. My first introduction was a teacher talking about how people with eating disorders really don't get better, they're really difficult, and it's a really hard population to work with. I remember thinking, I don’t want to do that. So my first thought was absolutely not—I never want to do that. But then, as part of my training, I had different rotations, and eating disorders were one of them. I began to see how much more they are about than just food. Food is what grabs everyone’s attention, but eating disorders are about so much more. Once I realized the different aspects they could involve—the intersection of mental health, physical health, and even social justice—it just felt like the perfect fit for me and my interests. So I wasn’t initially inspired, but once I had the experience, I saw the depth of it. Dr. Cam (02:05.222) Right. And then all of a sudden, it just sounded way more interesting and complicated. And they can be helped, correct? Because that started off like—wait a second! Yeah, they can be helped. One of the scariest things about social media—one of many—is the impact it has on our self-esteem, how we view our bodies, and how teens are growing up viewing their own bodies. I've seen this personally. I know a lot of parents are worried about this. First of all, is this something to be concerned about? Kelli Rugless, PsyD (02:50.161) Yes, we should all be very much concerned about the impact social media is having—not only on teenagers and their confidence and body image but on their mental health in general. Every single research study out there looking at social media tells us the same thing: people feel worse the more they use it. And it doesn’t matter how they use it. You could try to curate a page focused on positivity and growth, but the issue is that social media is a highlight reel presented as real life. You're only seeing the best parts of people's lives—or even the most curated parts of the bad moments. It’s a well-edited, well-produced version of vulnerability or sadness. It looks real, but it’s not. This makes it easy to believe your life should look like everyone else's and that your body should look like theirs. Not only is that unhealthy, but it’s also unrealistic. Dr. Cam (04:14.374) But here’s the thing, Kelli—social media isn’t going away, and our teens are not going to let go of it. It’s their entertainment, their social interaction, their connection to the world. So what do we do? Kelli Rugless, PsyD (04:30.193) The best thing we can do is model the type of relationship we want our children to have with social media. That means saying things like, I'm sure we're only getting half the story or I wonder what filters they used on that or We don’t see all of their life—just a small part. Keep reinforcing the idea that social media is entertainment, not reality. You wouldn’t look at a movie and think, That’s how my life should go. You’d understand there are editors, production, and scripts involved. The same thing applies to social media, but because it feels organic, we forget all the mechanisms at play. It’s also okay to set limits. Have house rules like no phones at dinner or no screens after a certain time when on vacation. These small boundaries help create a healthier relationship with social media. You’re not taking it away completely, but you are setting limits. Dr. Cam (06:12.39) That’s so important—for us as well. Because while we’re worried about our kids, I see the impact on parents, too. Parents start comparing their kids to others. Diet culture has always been a big deal, but now it's everywhere. Dangerous TikTok trends for losing weight are popping up constantly. How do we buffer against this diet-crazed, thin-is-best culture—especially when so many of us have already bought into it? Kelli Rugless, PsyD (07:11.985) That’s a great point. As parents, the way we influence our kids most is through how we talk about ourselves. You can tell your kids all day long that all bodies are beautiful, but if you’re looking in the mirror criticizing yourself, talking about needing to lose weight, or pointing out your flaws, that message will override everything else. Work on your own relationship with your body. Acknowledge that your body’s appearance is the least interesting thing about you. Your value is inherent—not tied to how you look. And your body does so much for you. Even if there’s something you don’t like about it, balance that with gratitude for what it can do. If you need to talk to someone to work through those things, it’s worth it. The impact on your kids, your family, and even your friends is huge. Dr. Cam (09:16.614) That was something I was committed to from day one with my daughter—never talking about my body in a negative way in front of her. It’s a struggle, but I didn’t want her to have the same struggles. Even with all of that, social media still bombards her with these messages. And sometimes, no matter how much we talk, what they see feels more real than what we say. So what else can we do? [10:49.233] Kelli Rugless, PsyD: One thing we can do is stay curious. Instead of saying, "That’s bad for you—don’t watch that," ask them, "How does this make you feel?" Rather than jumping in to fix it, validate their experience. If they say, "It just makes me feel terrible," resist the urge to say, "No, you’re beautiful!" Instead, say, "I get that. If I were in your shoes, I’d feel the same way." When they’re ready for reassurance, that’s when you say, "But you are so much more than your appearance. I love this about you, your friends love that about you." Let them lead. Be there to listen first, and the influence will follow. Our culture isn't right, but our goal is to talk to our kids and teenagers about the realities of accepting this really toxic culture that we live in, internalizing the messages, and what that can do—versus setting ourselves apart and actively trying to distance ourselves from the toxic aspects of our culture. Weight stigma is real. People being afraid of gaining weight makes sense, right? Given the culture we live in—where there's discrimination against folks of different sizes—you can't get your clothes at the same store as your friends if you get above a certain size. If they do make it, it doesn't fit the same, the quality's different. There are real consequences to being in a larger body that people naturally want to avoid. It makes sense why they want to avoid that. However, it doesn't make weight stigma okay, right? So what we're talking about is two types of discomfort. You can either be uncomfortable in the sense that you've internalized these toxic beliefs about weight and are forever on a hamster wheel trying to keep up with everyone, which is uncomfortable and really hard. Or you can be uncomfortable in the sense that you're separating yourself from the culture, which means you don't quite fit in. You're not talking about the same things, you're not getting on every new diet, you're not limiting the clothing you wear or saying, "I can only wear a one-piece because my body is this size." You're fully living the life you want to live in the body that you're in. And you might be on the outside of things, or you might get some dirty looks, or you might hear people saying rude things. No matter how you look at it, there's discomfort. It's going to be hard. The key is to pick your hard. Which type of challenge do you want to take on? Which one is in alignment with your values and the kind of person you want to be as an adult? And that is the hard piece. It's a mature topic. It's a big, heavy decision. A lot of times, when I'm working with teenagers, one of the things they’ll mention to me is, "Why do I have to deal with this? All my other friends aren't talking about this. They're not thinking about this. Why am I thinking about it?" And I kind of commiserate with them and say, "I know. You're having to do some really heavy work really early. It will serve you. As you get older, you’ll be light years ahead of some folks. By the time you get to your 20s or 30s, you will have done this and figured out who you are outside of your appearance, and you'll be grateful. But right now, it is hard because the rest of your friends aren't dealing with this heaviness." [19:41.126] Dr. Cam: Yeah. So what if they go into a really restrictive diet or develop a very unhealthy relationship with food and exercise because they’ve picked the "I don’t want to be different. I want to be thin and be like everyone I see in the world" route? Which, again, is not true. But what if they go that route and you're like, "I'm getting really scared about their health and their mindset about themselves because now they're obsessed with their weight"? I see kids that never feel good enough. I'll ask them, "What weight are you trying to get to?" or "How thin do you need to be?" and they don’t even have a goal. They just say, "Till I feel confident." And that’s dangerous because they won’t. So how do we handle that if we see our kids going down that path? [20:29.137] Kelli Rugless, PsyD: That is the time to absolutely say something and do something—act quickly. Sometimes it can be tempting to let them grow out of it, to let them figure it out, or to avoid arguing with them. "I don’t want to create conflict, so I’m just going to let it be. I’m seeing some things I don’t like, and I’m just going to hope that things right themselves." With eating disorders, they thrive in isolation. The longer you let it go without saying something, the stronger it becomes and the harder it is to address. When you see something, say something. Be loving, be kind, be warm, but be really clear about your concerns and act. Call a therapist who specializes in eating disorders. Look up an eating disorder treatment center in your area to get an assessment. Act quickly and get professionals involved. Eating disorders require a team—many people working from different directions to help someone recover. The quicker you notice it and get help, the easier it is to address. Talk about it, ask questions, express your love and care, but be really firm about your desire to help them and your confidence that what you’re seeing is not okay. [22:20.902] Dr. Cam: Now, I’ve had parents who—understandably, no judgment—force their kids to eat. They set consequences if they don’t eat, put a certain amount of food on their plate, or bribe them to eat. Is that a helpful method? [22:39.185] Kelli Rugless, PsyD: It depends on where your child is, but it can be helpful. I’d say it’s most helpful under the guidance of a provider. If, as a parent, you're going to take on that role, make sure your teenager has a therapist to help them process how hard it is to be forced to eat when they’re really afraid of food or gaining weight. But the act of feeding your child and making food non-negotiable is a very important part of treatment and recovery. A malnourished brain cannot get better. It can’t do the work of figuring out the underlying causes of the eating disorder if it is not well-nourished. Feeding your child and making it a priority is huge, but you also want to make sure they have the support they need. Food is not just food anymore—it’s really hard. The level of anxiety that those with eating disorders feel when forced to eat is through the roof. They need support, skills, and sometimes even medication. So make sure you provide as much support as you can through the re-feeding process. Dr. Cam (29:27.75) Well, it's not as good as Doritos either, let's be real. Kelli Rugless, PsyD (29:39.697) These black-and-white ideas about food—so that we can be more clear about what we feel like, what we actually want to eat versus what we feel driven to eat. Dr. Cam (29:49.03) That is so important. And Kelli, it’s funny because I use that same philosophy with tech use: when we keep restricting it, they end up binging it and not having a healthy relationship with it. So I think this goes across anything. If you see your kids hoarding or having meltdowns or sneaking something, it’s not about hoarding or stopping it more. It’s about where we are already restricting to the point where they now have to get sneaky. Kelli Rugless, PsyD (30:16.785) Yeah, absolutely. We need more opportunities to say yes, right? The more you say yes, the easier it is to say no. Because you feel like, "Well, I can tell myself if I can’t have it today, I can have it another day." If I can’t have my electronics on Monday, I know I’ll get them on Tuesday. So I can put it away because I know I can look forward to it. And the same goes with food. Dr. Cam (30:39.462) Yeah, it is. And it’s all about developing a healthy relationship with it. I think that’s the biggest thing: How are we looking at it as something that gives us nutrients, energy, makes us feel good, and separating it from how we look? And that’s important. Kelli Rugless, PsyD (31:00.817) Absolutely. The only other point I’ll make that I think is really important is I have a lot of parents talk to me about, "My kid is emotionally eating. Emotional eating is really bad. I don’t want them to do it." What I will say is, emotional eating is not bad. If you think about the things that we need to survive—water, air, food—food is the only one that can literally change, you know, it can increase a certain amount of neurotransmitters and change your mood. So, it’s got a really valuable purpose. It’s our psychiatric medication. And when we don’t have access to it, that’s a good thing. You just want to make sure that’s not the only way your child is managing their emotions. If it’s one out of ten different things they do when they don’t feel good, that’s okay. We’re supposed to do that. That’s how humans have evolved. That’s what our relationship with food is supposed to be. It’s not just about fuel. But you want to make sure that your child also knows how to journal, meditate, put on some music to influence their mood, maybe get outside and get some sun. They need to know how to manage their emotions in a variety of ways, so they’re not overusing food as a tool for coping. Dr. Cam (32:21.03) I’m very thankful you brought that up because yes, that is a big one I hear as well. And it is something that makes you think, "Are they just going to be a binger their whole life?" I think looking at it as a coping mechanism and digging into what they’re coping with is huge. And finding other ways is phenomenal. Kelli, what’s the one biggest takeaway you think is important for parents to have from this episode? Kelli Rugless, PsyD (32:47.217) I hope parents take away this idea: Their children are okay. There are things out there that are really scary, and there are big concerns, right? We want to avoid eating disorders, we want to avoid negative body image, but by and large, your children are okay. And what they need more than anything else is a connection with you. If you are fostering that connection, you will be able to see what they’re struggling with from a mile away, and you’ll have built the necessary relationship to have the influence you need to help them. So, rather than focusing on these individual topics that are scary, I would always go back to building that connection with your children. Get to know them, do your best to enjoy them, so that you are naturally in a relationship with them. That way, you’ll see what they see, and you can address issues as they come up. Because that’s where our power is as parents: In our ability to connect with them. Dr. Cam (33:48.774) It certainly is. And I think we focus a lot on the correction and the restriction, which tears apart our connection— the only thing that actually helps. So, I see that a lot. I love that. Kelli, how do people find you? Kelli Rugless, PsyD (33:58.897) Yeah, it’s the connection and it’s the love. I’m on social media, although I’m not particularly active, but I am on social media at Dr. Kelli Rugless. I have my own practice, where I see parents, families, and adults for eating disorder and body image stuff, called Flir Psychology. I also work at Project Teal. Project Teal is an amazing nonprofit. If you or someone you know is concerned about having an eating disorder and maybe wants a free assessment, we offer free assessments. We provide treatment recommendations, connect you with providers in your area who specialize in eating disorders, offer cash assistance, and insurance navigation. We have a whole host of programs meant to help folks learn about eating disorders and recover at any stage. You can find me in those three areas. Dr. Cam (35:01.222) I have a feeling a lot of people are thinking, "I need Project Teal. How do they find it?" Kelli Rugless, PsyD (35:05.041) Yeah. You can go online at www.theprojectheal.org. That website has everything you need: resources, services, helpful information about eating disorders. It’s the website to visit. Dr. Cam (35:21.254) I’ll put that link as well. Kelli, thank you so much for joining me today. Kelli Rugless, PsyD (35:23.057) Thank you for having me.
ABOUT THE SHOW The Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Podcast is your go-to resource for navigating the challenges of raising teenagers. Hosted by Dr. Cam Caswell, an adolescent psychologist and certified parenting coach, this podcast offers practical parenting strategies, expert advice, and real-world insights to help you build a stronger relationship with your teen and support their emotional growth. Whether you’re struggling with teenage behavior or looking to improve communication, each episode provides actionable tips to make parenting teens easier and more rewarding. Perfect for both new and seasoned parents, this podcast helps you build the confidence to handle teen challenges and thrive together. #theteentranslator #drcamcaswell #parentingteenswithdrcam #bodyimage #eatingdisorders | |||
| 08 Jun 2023 | Risky Teen Behavior with Bobby Huntley | 00:30:01 | |
Teen’s are infamous for their risky behavior and questionable choices. It actually reflects healthy brain development (believe it or not). But when it comes to behavior that has serious repercussions like substance use, fighting, shoplifting, and truancy, we need to step in. Our instinct is to lay down the law and pile on the restrictions. But more often than not, that strategy backfires in the long run. So what do we do to keep our kids safe? In this episode, Dr. Cam is joined by Bobby Huntley, the Superintendent and Pastor of Test of Faith Ministries in Virginia Beach. He served in the Virginia Beach City Public Schools for 19 years as a Security Assistant, In School Suspension Coordinator and Dean of Students / Work Adjustment Teacher. He was also the Director of The Gentlemen's Club, an after school mentoring program for boys. Bobby provides guidance for addressing risky teen behavior in a way that keeps them safe AND builds trust, connection, and respect.
Thanks for Listening! Thanks so much for listening to our podcast! If you enjoyed this episode and think that others could benefit from listening, please share it with a friend.
Subscribe to the Podcast If you would like to get automatic updates of new podcast episodes, you can subscribe to the podcast right here on YouTube! | |||
| 21 Oct 2021 | Connecting With Your Teen Through Texting with Norman W. Holden | 00:23:40 | |
Today I’m talking with Norman W. Holden, the Author of Do Better! How One Father Gained Wisdom from Texting His Teen Daughter. Norm is not a therapist, licensed professional or counselor. He describes himself as a down-to earth everyday man, husband, and father of two, who has earned his hard-knocks degree in parenting. Norm and I are talking about:
FREE STUFF!
If you found this episode valuable, please take a quick moment to comment and share. This helps other parents like you find the show. Thank you! | |||
| 16 Sep 2021 | Inside the Teen Brain with Dr. Ian Chen | 00:39:30 | |
In this episode, Dr. Cam talks with Dr. Ian Chen (@chenmedimo), an adolescent medicine expert and researcher. Dr. Chen’s research combines psychology, medicine, neuroscience and mathematical modelling together in order to understand the development of the adolescent brain and to help young people become more resilient. He continues to research brain maturation using EEG and brain imaging techniques as part of the research and development at the new mental health institution that he is heading, Chen Medimo Corp. Dr. Chen and Dr. Cam talk about:
FREE STUFF!
Grab my free guide “7 Secrets to Motivating Teens” at www.askdrcam.com/motivateteens If you found this episode valuable, please take a quick moment to comment and share. This helps other parents like you find the show. Thank you!! | |||
| 09 Dec 2021 | Overcoming Anxiety with George Kalantzis | 00:17:41 | |
If you or your teen experiences days filled with anxiety and overwhelm, this episode is for you. I’m joined by George Kalantzis (@Theartoftoughtransitions), author of NOWHERE TO GO, combat veteran, coach, and dad. He empowers people to overcome the toughest days of their lives. Outside of coaching and writing, you can find him hiking and eating ice cream with his daughter. Today, George is going to help us better understand how anxiety works and teach us some ways to get over our overwhelm under. | |||
| 19 Jul 2023 | Sex Trafficking: What Parents Need to Know with Dr. John DeGarmo | 00:29:19 | |
To the horror of parents worldwide, human trafficking is a growing problem. According to the latest stats, 400,000 minors are trafficked annually. Those at most risk are adolescent girls who are craving attention or have low self-esteem. In this episode we talk about how to keep our daughters safe. Dr. Cam is joined by Dr. John DeGarmo, the founder and director of The Foster Care Institute. As foster parents, he and his wife have had over 60 children come through their home. He is also an international consultant to schools, legal firms, and foster care agencies and the author of several books, including The Little Book of Foster Care Wisdom. Dr. John has appeared on Good Morning, America, CNN, NBC, and FOX. He and his wife have received many awards, including the Good Morning America Ultimate Hero Award. Dr. John tells us parents what we need to know about human trafficking and keeping our kids safe.
Thanks for Listening! Thanks so much for listening to our podcast! If you enjoyed this episode and think that others would appreciate the guidance and encouragement, please take a quick moment to rate and review. Reviews from my listeners are extremely valuable and greatly appreciated. Review on iTunes.
Subscribe to the Podcast If you would like to get automatic updates of new podcast episodes, you can subscribe to the podcast on iTunes, YouTube, Google, Spotify. You can also subscribe from the podcast app on your mobile device or listen LIVE in my Private Facebook Group. | |||
| 14 Jun 2022 | Online Safety for Teens with Cathy Pedrayes | 00:34:02 | |
If you’re worried about what your teen is doing online, concerned they’ll fall prey to predators, and can’t seem to get through to them how dangerous the internet can be, this episode is for you. I’m joined by Safety and Security Influencer Cathy Pedrayes to share tips for keeping our teens safe online.
Resources Mentioned in This Episode
Thanks for Listening! Thanks so much for listening to our podcast! If you enjoyed this episode and think that others would appreciate the guidance and encouragement, please take a quick moment to rate and review. Reviews from my listeners are extremely valuable and greatly appreciated. Review on iTunes.
Subscribe to the Podcast If you would like to get automatic updates of new podcast episodes, you can subscribe to the podcast on iTunes, YouTube, Google, Spotify. You can also subscribe from the podcast app on your mobile device or listen LIVE in my Private Facebook Group. | |||
| 24 Oct 2022 | Helping Teenagers’ Tame Anxiety with Dr. Loretta Breuning | 00:30:09 | |
Are you baffled about why your teen is so anxious? Do you want to know how to help them? If so, this episode is for you. According to the National Institute of Mental Health, 32% of teens suffered from an anxiety disorder in the last year compared to just 19% of adults, and the numbers keep growing. What’s going on?! In this episode, I’m joined by Dr. Loretta Breuning, author of many personal development books, including Habits of a Happy Brain: Retrain Your Brain to Boost Your Serotonin, Dopamine, Oxytocin and Endorphin Levels. She is also the Founder of the Inner Mammal Institute which helps thousands of people make peace with their inner mammal. Dr. Breuning teaches us how anxiety shows up in the brain and how we can use that information to help our teens (and ourselves) manage anxiety more effectively.
Resources Mentioned in This Episode
Thanks for Listening! Thanks so much for listening to our podcast! If you enjoyed this episode and think that others would appreciate the guidance and encouragement, please take a quick moment to rate and review. Reviews from my listeners are extremely valuable and greatly appreciated. Review on iTunes.
Subscribe to the Podcast If you would like to get automatic updates of new podcast episodes, you can subscribe to the podcast on iTunes, YouTube, Google, Spotify. You can also subscribe from the podcast app on your mobile device or listen LIVE in my Private Facebook Group. | |||
| 13 Mar 2025 | Unlock Teen Motivation: Science-Backed Strategies with Dr. David Yeager | 00:38:59 | |
In this episode, Dr. David Yeager, a psychology professor at the University of Texas, shares groundbreaking insights from his book 10 to 25: The Science of Motivating Young People. He challenges common misconceptions about teen motivation and presents research-based strategies for parents and teachers to encourage teens. Dr. Yeager explains how understanding the teenage brain, using autonomy-supportive language, and practicing "do-overs" can improve communication and motivation.
WHAT YOU'LL LEARN IN THIS EPISODE
5 KEY TAKEAWAYS FOR PARENTS OF TEENS
🎧❤️ ENJOYING THE SHOW? Don’t keep it to yourself! Share your favorite episode and leave a rating and review to help other parents find the support they need. Your feedback helps me create even more episodes filled with practical tips for you and your family! Thanks so much for your support! 🙏💫 🔔 Remember to hit SUBSCRIBE so you never miss another solution-packed episode! 🙌
RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE
EPISODE CHAPTERS
CONNECT WITH OUR GUEST: Dr. David Yeager
CONNECT WITH YOUR HOST: Dr. Cam Caswell
FULL TRANSCRIPT Dr. Cam (00:01.513) If you're like most parents, motivating your teen to do anything productive can feel like a daily struggle. But what if we could unlock the secret to turning procrastination into action, disinterest into engagement, and resistance into enthusiasm? That’s what we’re going to talk about today. I’m thrilled to be joined by Dr. David Yeager, a professor of psychology at the University of Texas at Austin, renowned for his influential research alongside esteemed colleagues like Carol Dweck, Angela Duckworth, and Greg Walton. In his latest book, 10 to 25: The Science of Motivating Young People, Dr. Yeager dives deep into the science of adolescent motivation. He’s going to share some of his findings with us today. Dr. Yeager, welcome to the show! Dr. David Yeager (00:46.424) Thanks for having me. I was a middle school teacher right out of college, teaching sixth through eighth-grade English at a low-income school. I also taught K through eighth-grade PE, meaning I had seven or eight preps a day. I struggled with all the challenges you can imagine—everything from getting third graders to line up for dodgeball to getting seventh graders to read The Once and Future King and The Outsiders, and turn in essays on time. I felt frustrated by the advice I was given by the scientific community and research, which led me to want to do better research. I’ve spent my career trying to conduct applied research that provides parents and teachers concrete suggestions on what to say (and what not to say) based on rigorous experiments. Dr. Cam (01:49.151) You’ve definitely piqued everyone’s interest. I’m curious, what was the advice you received earlier that didn’t work? Dr. David Yeager (02:02.478) Think back 20 years. The big ideas around motivation for young people were about their traits—some kids are motivated, others aren’t. Some kids are helpless, some are extroverted, others are reserved. Yes, there are individual differences, but that’s not useful for me. I’m not going to give a personality test on the first day of class and say, “Okay, you’re the type who’s just going to sit there doing nothing.” The other advice was abstract and didn’t have experimental backing. It would say things like, “Set a mastery goal” or “Promote intrinsic motivation over extrinsic motivation,” but real life is more nuanced. For example, if someone asked me how to motivate an eight-year-old, I’d say, “I use a lot of Pokemon cards and candy.” With younger kids, you need something to get them over the initial hump. Once they realize success feels good, you can build intrinsic motivation over time. The advice I received was either too simplistic or not useful. I wanted clarity on what to say to make kids more intrinsically motivated or persistent, and that’s what we’ve focused on in our randomized experiments. Dr. Cam (03:41.47) I love this and can’t wait to hear more. Let’s talk quickly about why it feels so hard to motivate our teenagers in the first place. Dr. David Yeager (03:53.74) A traditional narrative is that something’s wrong with this generation—brainwashed by phones, distracted by political unrest, and so on. While there are differences compared to when we were growing up, I think a lot of the complaints are overstated. For example, think about how much more attention we can give now with technology—like when you’re driving, you don’t have to worry about getting lost because you have Google Maps. We used to spend so much time with physical maps or printing out directions from MapQuest, hoping the printer worked. Sure, there are distractions now, but we wasted a lot of time in the past, too. Dr. Cam (04:30.849) Thank God for that! I remember getting lost a lot more. Dr. David Yeager (04:51.212) Right? I think a lot of what’s happening now is a net even. Older generations have always complained about younger ones—this goes back to Aristotle and Plato. What I want to focus on is the timeless aspects of the adolescent brain that haven’t changed over the course of hundreds of thousands of years, and how they respond to cultural and technological shifts. Fundamentally, young people’s brains, from the onset of puberty, start craving experiences of status. The feeling of earning a prestigious reputation in the eyes of someone they care about has never felt as good as it does during puberty. On the flip side, the humiliation of being rejected or failing publicly at something important never feels worse. Given the intensity of these emotions, we as parents can’t just tell kids to “get over it.” We have to understand it and figure out how to harness it. Dr. Cam (06:26.913) I love this because it speaks to how parents often say, “Well, this is how I was raised, and it worked for me.” But 20 years ago, we didn’t know nearly as much as we know now about the brain and teen development. We know so much more now that can help us avoid some of the trauma many adults are still recovering from. If we can prevent that, why wouldn’t we? Let’s talk about the teen brain. I’m with you—evolution doesn’t change that quickly. The world around teens today has changed drastically, and they’re doing the best they can in this world we’ve created. Dr. David Yeager (07:42.146) The most important thing to keep in mind is that there are different metaphors for what the teenage brain is doing. The metaphor we choose shapes how we deal with it. One common view is that young people are neurobiologically incompetent—that the moment puberty strikes, they get a “frontal lobotomy,” can’t plan ahead, can’t reason logically, are short-sighted, impulsive, and selfish. That view goes back to Plato’s Phaedrus, where young people were compared to unruly horses needing to be controlled by a charioteer. Neuroscientists have used this view, partly because it has served as a convenient legal argument for youth offenders. It’s true that kids don’t always think about the lifelong consequences of their actions, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t thinking. They’re just thinking about different things, not long-term self-interest. The updated view is a neurobiological competence model. Teens are really good at some things—just not what adults expect. The teenage brain is like the R&D engine for our culture. As society and technology change, teens have to adapt quickly and figure out how to succeed in our world—and they do this far faster than adults. What adults may see as a short attention span is often the brain at the frontier of innovation. Think about it: The same adults who complain about kids loitering at the mall might be served by an excellent 16-year-old waiter without even noticing. The teenage brain is paying attention to different things, and once we understand what those things are, we can communicate more effectively, inspiring independence and motivation in young people. Dr. Cam (10:46.249): That’s fantastic. It’s so true. Their priorities are different from ours, but that doesn’t make them wrong; it makes them different. My understanding is that the prefrontal cortex is still developing during adolescence, forming connections. So, complex skills like emotional regulation and problem-solving are still being developed. It doesn’t mean they can’t do these things, but they’re primed to learn how to do them better. This is a time for practicing those skills, but we can’t expect them to have it all figured out yet. Is that correct? Dr. David Yeager (11:28.268): Yes, that’s mostly correct. The brain’s emotional regulation is an experience-dependent process. Some things, like bone growth from drinking milk, happen automatically, but emotional regulation depends on experiences. You learn to regulate emotions by actually going through emotional experiences. The old model suggested that logical reasoning in the prefrontal cortex dampens the impulsive emotional regions of the brain, but now we know that the emotional areas teach the prefrontal cortex what to care about. Carol Dweck, who developed growth mindset theory, recently published a paper showing that goal-directedness, driven by emotions, guides the brain’s development. Teenagers can focus their cognitive resources when motivated by something important to them, and that experience changes their brain and their mindset. The challenge for us as adults is that when there’s a conflict, it’s often because their goal isn’t to regulate their emotions to meet our demands. Their brain won’t be receptive to our goals unless they perceive them as important. Dr. Cam (13:53.183): This ties right into motivation. We’re not saying kids aren’t motivated; they just aren’t motivated to do what we want them to. When we talk about kids being unmotivated or lazy, it’s not that they lack motivation or drive, it’s that they’re focused on things we don’t care about. Dr. David Yeager (14:18.574): Exactly. The same parents who complain about their kids not doing homework or practicing the cello will find that their kids are excellent at planning how to sneak out to a party. That’s goal-directed behavior. Teenagers are incredibly good at setting and achieving goals. It’s like watching a 17-year-old Canadian win gold in swimming at the Olympics. Teenagers can absolutely focus when it matters to them, but their priorities are different. Our task as adults is to figure out what matters to them, which often comes back to social reputation or status—not in a superficial way, like social media likes, but in a deep, meaningful way. The question they’re asking is: How am I a valuable contributor in the eyes of people whose opinions I care about? And adults often don’t care about that; they just want compliance. They want kids to listen because we said so. That’s fine when they’re little and we need them to get their shoes on for school, but as they grow, we can’t expect them to simply obey without question. That doesn’t help them be the innovators we need for the future. Dr. Cam (16:01.181): It makes so much sense. When we project them into the future, do we want kids who just do what they’re told? We see this now in the workforce, where many complain that kids can’t think for themselves and only do the bare minimum. But it’s not because something’s wrong with them; it’s how we’ve raised them. Dr. David Yeager (16:25.014): Yes, we’ve done it to them. The emotional development of the brain is an experience-dependent process. If kids grow up thinking they should listen to adults without question just because they said so, they’ll either stop listening to anyone or, worse, they’ll become compliant without thinking. We’ve seen this problem in society, where people just pick a side and repeat what their team says without engaging in real discussion. What we need are young people who can think critically, consider nuanced alternatives, and apply them in their lives. If we raise kids like that, society will benefit greatly, not just in terms of parenting, but because those kids will become innovators who can solve the world’s biggest problems. Dr. Cam (17:27.263): Right. One thing that trips us up is perceiving their attempts to express their opinions or what’s important to them as disrespect. We shut it down and say, “You’re not allowed to say that.” I see this often, and I think it sends a harmful message that their opinion is wrong just because it differs from ours. That creates someone who can’t think independently. Dr. David Yeager (17:56.118) Yeah, I think the biggest confusion I see is around the word "respect" or "listen." This is influenced by Rosalyn Wiseman, a thoughtful parenting leader. When parents say "respect," they usually mean unquestioned obedience. When kids say "respect," they mean being heard and valued as real people. Same with "listening." When kids say, "Nobody listens to me," they mean nobody cares about their perspective or why they might have legitimate reasons for being reluctant. What I’d love is to have a shared definition of respect, where people are treated as adult-like humans with independent thoughts and feelings. The reason adults view it one way and kids view it another is due to the neurobiological incompetence model. If adults think young people can’t think, that they’re impulsive or short-sighted, then why would we care about their opinions? We assume we’ve already figured it out. But if we adopt a neurobiological competence model, where we see young people as adapting to culture before we are, understanding things we don’t yet see, it makes more sense to ask questions, listen, and see where they’re coming from. Dr. Cam (19:52.37) I love that. It explains so well that we need to value them as unique individuals with their own minds and needs, not as extensions of us who just need to do what we want. This is where I see a lot of friction between parents and teens. Dr. David Yeager (20:12.172) Yeah, there’s a study I talk about in the book where I look at a phenomenon I call "grown-splaining"—kind of like mansplaining, but it’s grown-ups telling kids what to do. The logic behind it is, "If only you would listen to my clear, logical reasons, you’d change." But that doesn’t work. In the study, they recorded moms nagging their teenage daughters and then put the daughters in an fMRI scanner to see what happens in the brain. What they found is that the logical reasoning regions of the brain actually go down. The anger regions go up, meaning the teenage girls are getting more frustrated. But what’s most interesting is that the social cognition regions of the brain, the areas related to understanding the meaning behind what’s being said, were less active. So when a teenager hears nagging, they’re not processing the reasoning—it’s like the words go in one ear and out the other. But this is situational—it’s about the tone of our voice, how we tell them what to do, and not involving them in the conversation. When we impose our goals and values without their input, they check out. But if we create a different context, we can see much better engagement. Dr. Cam (22:20.543) I want to flip this a bit because I can already hear parents asking, "So, should we just let them do whatever they want? Are we always wrong and they’re always right?" They’re worried about things like video games taking over their kids’ lives while homework or chores get ignored. These are real concerns. How do we address that? Dr. David Yeager (22:45.55) For sure. The wrong response is to say, "We should have no standards and let the kids run everything." That’s not what I’m suggesting. In my book, I talk about experts who work with young people, like the best manager at Microsoft for 20-year-olds or a top high school physics teacher. I also spoke with a coach who works with teenage NBA draft prospects. What they do is nothing like letting young people run wild. They have incredibly high expectations, but they provide the support for kids to meet those expectations. What we’ve learned is that there are two ways to get this wrong. One is what we call an "enforcer mindset," where the goal is to enforce high standards and leave the kids to meet them on their own. This can make parents come across as authoritarian—compliance might happen, but it’s not willful. The other extreme is the "protector mindset," where parents focus on protecting kids from distress and low self-esteem, leading to low expectations and kids walking all over them. The middle ground is the "mentor mindset." In this model, you have very high standards but also high support. This combination helps kids develop into meaningful contributors to society, able to follow rules but doing so because they understand the reasons and internalize the values. It’s not about dictating rules—it’s about helping them take ownership. I’ve seen this in action, and it works. There are many examples and practices from these mentor-leaders in the book, and fortunately, anyone can start applying them. Dr. Cam (25:24): So, give us some examples because I think there’s a very fine line to walk here. People really struggle with the difference between mentoring and controlling—or maybe more accurately, micromanaging. I see a lot of micromanaging, where parents think they’re helping and teaching. What’s the difference? Dr. David Yeager (25:48): Yeah. Well, I think if you hold a high standard for things like personal conduct—like cleaning your room or helping around the house—young people will complain. They don’t want to do those things. And the easiest way to stop the complaints is to just lower the standard. "Okay, fine, I’ll do it," right? I have four kids, so I get that. But sometimes, when we hold the standard, it turns into a shouting match. And we’re left thinking, “Who have I become?” What I’ve learned is a couple of things. One is that a big reason for complaints is that we’re often not transparent about why we’re holding the standard. We might just say, “Do this,” and when they ask why, we say, “Because I said so.” We don’t explain. But explanations show respect. If I asked you to do something for me without giving a reason, I’d come across like a jerk. I’d be manipulating you. But we talk to teenagers this way all the time, which would be totally inappropriate with other adults. The problem is that we still think they’re children, and they think they’re adults. So, there’s this two- to three-year gap in communication. They feel talked down to, and we feel like we’re being appropriate. So, sometimes, you can ask for the same thing but be clear about your intentions. Show them how what you’re asking will help them become a better person or contribute to their happiness. Transparency is one simple step. Another, a bit harder, but very important, is questioning. Instead of just telling them, try asking for their perspectives. Avoid questions like, “What were you thinking?” because that implies they weren’t thinking. Instead, show curiosity by asking authentic questions that invite them to share their reasoning. When you do this, they feel respected and heard, and they’ll often start telling you what you want. I’ll tell you, a lot of this comes from negotiation tactics, like those used in hostage situations. Sometimes talking to a teenager about going to a party feels like a hostage negotiation! And it turns out, the same tactics that work for negotiating with hostages also work with teenagers. Dr. Cam (28:51): That’s so true. The power of empathy and validating their feelings is key. We struggle with this because some people confuse it with agreeing with them. It doesn’t mean agreeing with their anger or frustration—it just means acknowledging that their feelings are real, which is non-negotiable. What they feel is what they feel. Dr. David Yeager (29:08): Exactly. Dr. Becky has a great phrase: the "most charitable interpretation." When your teenager does something frustrating, pause and try to think, “What’s the most charitable possible interpretation of this behavior?” Often, their behavior is just their way of seeking status and respect, either from you or from their peers. If you start with curiosity, trying to understand what they want, it doesn’t mean you have to agree with them. But understanding them puts you in a better position to negotiate. The problem with negotiations is offering something they don’t want. If you understand what they want, you can offer a deal they’re more likely to accept. That’s often what it’s like talking to teenagers. Dr. Cam (30:03): I tell parents all the time, you might be offering a solution, but you’re solving for your problem, not theirs. Then, when they don’t agree with it, you get upset. That happens a lot. So, I know parents are still wondering, “How do we actually motivate them to do their homework?” Dr. David Yeager (30:21): Well, there’s 380 pages in the book on this! But I’ll say there are different reasons why they don’t do their homework. Sometimes it’s because the homework feels too hard, and they fear failure. They worry that trying hard will just expose their lack of ability, which is the fixed mindset in action. Another reason could be time pressure. If the homework is due the next day, they feel overwhelmed—racing heart, sweaty palms. That’s anxiety. In one paper I published in Nature a few years ago, we reframed difficulty. We showed that difficulty actually means you’re doing something ambitious. It’s a sign you care about something important. And those physical symptoms—the racing heart, the sweaty palms—are actually your body mobilizing resources to help you perform better. Your body sweats to cool itself down, and that helps you think more clearly. Your heart races to get oxygenated blood to your brain, which helps you think faster. So, reframing anxiety as excitement can help. There are other reasons they don’t do homework, like not seeing the point, but I cover those in detail in the book, with practical tools. Dr. Cam (32:16): That’s great. So, let’s break it down into the three key takeaways for parents—things they can use to connect better and understand their teen. Dr. David Yeager (32:37): Sure. The three main takeaways I’d suggest are:
Dr. Cam (35:54): And those are great things to model for our teens. When we do it, they’ll start doing it for us. Most of the time, that’s what we’ve been trying to get them to do anyway! When we take control of ourselves and how we show up, everything changes. I could talk to you for hours more—there’s so much more I want to ask you. This has been so enlightening and interesting. But how can people find you, and tell us about your book? Dr. David Yeager (36:25): The book is called 10 to 25: The Science of Motivating Young People. If you care about or know anything about young people ages 10 to 25, this book is for you. We want to stop the miscommunications and frustration that cause so much tension between generations. It’s available at Barnes & Noble, Amazon, and Simon & Schuster. You can also get bulk discounts if you want to buy it for all your friends. I’m on LinkedIn, and you can find me through the University of Texas at Austin, where I have a professor website. Dr. Cam (37:06): What are you researching? Dr. David Yeager (37:10): I’ve always focused on kids in school—how they transition from middle school to high school, high school to college. Now, we’re thinking about the workforce. Are 20-year-olds entering workplaces where the managers know how to motivate them? And what about the 70% of kids who don’t go to four-year colleges? Do they have bosses who understand what young people need in terms of status and respect? Or are they stuck with bad jobs and bad managers? We’re looking at alternative pathways to the workforce, regardless of college education, and trying to help managers understand how to inspire and motivate young people. Dr. Cam (38:02): That’s amazing! And when they’re inspired, their employees thrive. Thank you so much for joining me today. I really appreciate it.
About the Show: The Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Podcast is your go-to resource for navigating the challenges of raising teenagers. Hosted by Dr. Cam Caswell, an adolescent psychologist and certified parenting coach, this podcast offers practical parenting strategies, expert advice, and real-world insights to help you build a stronger relationship with your teen and support their emotional growth. Whether you’re struggling with teenage behavior or looking to improve communication, each episode provides actionable tips to make parenting teens easier and more rewarding. Perfect for both new and seasoned parents, this podcast helps you build the confidence to handle teen challenges and thrive together. #theteentranslator #drcamcaswell #parentingteenswithdrcam
8ZJHwifRB1GNYHRMdzvw | |||
| 06 Jun 2022 | Dealing with Disrespectful Teens | 00:12:03 | |
In this episode, I answer the following parent question: Nothing we do makes our daughter happy. Why can’t she just accept a comment, advice, suggestion without complaining and pushing back? How can I make her listen and accept what she is being told without an argument?
Key Takeaways
Thanks for Listening! Thanks so much for listening to my podcast! If you enjoyed this episode and think that others could benefit from listening, please take a moment to rate and review. This helps parents like you find the show. Review on iTunes.
Subscribe to the Podcast If you would like to get automatic updates of new podcast episodes, you can subscribe to the podcast on iTunes, YouTube, Google, Spotify. You can also subscribe from the podcast app on your mobile device or listen LIVE in my Private Facebook Group. | |||
| 12 Oct 2021 | Raising Self-Confident Daughters with Dr. Lois Frankel | 00:33:06 | |
Today I’m talking with bestselling author and executive coach Dr. Lois Frankel. The name Dr. Lois Frankel has become practically synonymous with empowering women in the workplace. She is the author of the bestselling business bible for women, Nice Girls Don't Get the Corner Office, and other books in the "nice girls" series. Lois is a pioneer in the field of executive coaching and a sought-after international keynote speaker. She has now turned toward helping parents to raise self-confident daughters and is working on a book on the topic. An avid photographer, Lois sells her work at her website www.loisfrankelphotography.com and gives the proceeds to a nonprofit she started that helps working women who live at the poverty level when they encounter medical challenges. Dr. Frankel and I are talking about:
| |||
| 28 Nov 2024 | Parenting a Neurodiverse Teen: Real Solutions for ADHD, Autism & Beyond | 00:33:11 | |
In this episode, Dr. Cam sits down with Elaine Taylor-Klaus to explore the challenges and strategies for raising neurodiverse teens. Elaine shares her personal journey as a mom of neurodiverse kids and how she became a coach to help other parents. They discuss the shifting perceptions of ADHD and autism, the increasing diagnoses, and why neurodiversity should be seen as an evolutionary adaptation rather than a deficit. The conversation focuses on collaborative problem-solving, trust-building, and fostering teen autonomy, as well as the role of medication in supporting neurodiverse youth. WHAT YOU’LL LEARN IN THIS EPISODE
If this episode was helpful, share it with other parents and leave a rating and review! Your feedback helps us create more valuable content to support you and your teen.
FULL TRANSCRIPT
Dr. Cam (00:00) Welcome back to the show. Today we're diving into a topic that's close to my heart, supporting our neurodiverse teens. If you're parent navigating the unique challenges of raising a neurodiverse child, you don't want to miss this episode. Joining us is the incredible Elaine Taylor-Klaus, a master certified coach and a mom of six in an ADHD plus plus family. We're gonna explain what that is. Elaine is a true thought leader in the field of neurodiversity, co-founding the first global coaching communities for parents of complex kids through Impact ADHD and ImpactParents.com. She's dedicated her career to educating and empowering parents like us, and her insights are invaluable. Elaine is here to help us understand how to nurture our teens so they can thrive. So if you're ready to transform the way you support your neurodiverse teen, stick around. This episode is going to be packed with essential advice you don't want to miss. Welcome, Elaine. Elaine Taylor-Klaus (she/her) (00:58) Thank you. It is great to be here. I love your energy. I'm excited. Dr. Cam (01:02) I'm so glad to talk to you about this and I want to first hear about your story. A mom of six neurodiverse kids. Did I get that right? Elaine Taylor-Klaus (she/her) (01:09) Not six, actually. I have three neurodiverse kids myself and my business partner Diane has three. And so I think that somehow got lost in the translation. Now that they're young adults and they each have partners, it feels like a mom of six. Dr. Cam (01:18) is this what got you into this field or what really inspired you to focus on this? Elaine Taylor-Klaus (she/her) (01:29) Yeah, yeah, yeah, totally. This is what got me in. I was a mom of three complex kids under the age of 10. I didn't even know what that meant. I just knew that I was struggling. My eldest kid was really not an easy kid to raise, had lots of diagnoses, lots of health issues, medically fragile. It was complicated. And I remember going to my child's therapist, psychologist at about eight years old with this long list of like eight diagnoses and I'm crying. I'm like, what do I do? Where do I start? So she sent me to a nutritionist. said, with all this, you start with the metabolic. And so we were kind of getting a handle on that. went gluten free, had a huge impact. And somebody turned me onto coaching. And I was really struggling. There was a lot of support available for my kids and there was really nothing for me except for, you know, that five minutes with my hand on the doors, I'm walking out of the kids therapist office where I'm like, can I ask you one more thing? I like, it's so not fair. There was so little resource for parents at the time. And, and so the long story short, I was trying to go back to graduate school. took the GREs. I was going to go, you know, get a PhD and I discovered coaching and I fell in love. I I called my husband the first afternoon in tears and like, yeah, there were a lot of tears in those years. I found it. Like this is it. It was an empowering way to be. was, I had like used a midwife. I was all about wellness and health and, and, and I found that coaching gave me a framework for how I really wanted to be as a parent. I wanted to see them as whole and healthy and capable and not broken and needing to be fixed. And coaching was just, it was the answer for me. And so it really transformed me. which really transformed my family. Ultimately, my husband also became a coach. And when I asked him years later, like, what happened? He said, I just couldn't deny anymore that what you were doing was working. So I ended up kind of creating this, this new modality, blending coaching with neurodiversity awareness. And when Diane and I met, we had this similar experience, only I did have ADHD and learning issues that were diagnosed in my forties and she did not. And it worked for both of us. So we kind of knew we were onto something and it wasn't rocket science. We could teach it to other parents. So I started coaching and training parents of complex kids. And, you know, that was, that was a long time ago now. Dr. Cam (03:54) The rest is history. Do you see a change in what parents are coming to you about? Or do you feel like it's consistent? . Elaine Taylor-Klaus (she/her) (04:19) Yes and no. Yes and no. mean, the world's changed a lot, you know, but by the time I started, we were already post 9-11, which is when I, and technology was already starting to become a part of the world. So I think that for me, part of what's changed is our understanding and awareness, the research, the clarity about ADHD, about executive function, about neurodiversity, mental health, that's shifted a lot in the last 20 years. So there is a little less stigma and a lot more awareness to the importance of really addressing these issues. I say a little less stigma, not as much as a little Well, there's less. But part of it is because the autism movement came in and autism kind of came in and said, we're not taking your stigma, forget that. And I really think it shifted people's frame of reference around difference and shifted because the autism movement really did say, I'm not coming to you, you got to come to me. And it changed. I think now that it's so interesting. One of the big things that's changed is in the early days, like when my kids were diagnosed and those days, the providers had to choose between an ADHD diagnosis or an autism diagnosis. You could have one or the other, but not both till about 2013. And so everybody wanted, you didn't want an autism diagnosis. That was like a death sentence in those days. Now a provider, first of all, a provider doesn't have to make the choice. Both can be diagnosed and are very frequently. The correlation is very high. But now a parent can get better services with an autism diagnosis than an ADHD diagnosis and better support and compassion from their peers and friends and family. So now you've got people seeking a diagnosis that they used that 20 years ago they were avoiding. And I was one of them, right? Dr. Cam (06:17) the avoider. What do you think is a stigma with autism? are people kind of feeling opposed to now?. Elaine Taylor-Klaus (she/her) (06:24) think there's less stigma with autism than ADHD now. mean, you know, nobody wants a diagnosis, but I think with autism, there's beginning to be an understanding that they can learn skills and tools and approaches and modalities, that they can learn how to adapt and modify and improve their capacity.because it's coming from a different part of the brain and it's a different, it's not as much about, if they don't have the overlapping ADHD, it's not as much about executive function. It's more about sensory and social. And you can actually, I think with people with autism, especially if you catch it early, you can really help them learn how to kind of integrate themselves into the world. With ADHD, there's still a lot, I think there's more stigma than anything in the ADHD space. Dr. Cam (07:17) I have some questions about that too, because one thing I've noticed is the diagnosis for ADHD seems to be going up and up and up and up. Why do you think this is? Please, I've got one too and I'm curious to hear what yours is since you're an expert in it. Elaine Taylor-Klaus (she/her) (07:29) Okay, here's my take on that. Okay, there a reasons. There are few reasons. One is that there is a lot more research. We understand it way better than we did. Like 30 years ago, ADHD only was hyperactivity in little boys. That is so not the case. Now there are all these adults who are not diagnosed and under diagnosed. So we understand what we're looking for better. The second is we are living in an interruption driven world where there's so much more distraction and so much more volume coming at us that ADHD is kind of on a spectrum, your capacity to handle what's coming at you. If there's more coming at you, like my ADHD wasn't diagnosed as a kid, it was diagnosed as an adult when I had three kids and I couldn't handle it anymore. So it only is diagnosed if it impairs with your capacity to fulfill what you're trying to fulfill. All right, so if you've got a world of people that are getting assaulted with information all the time, it's harder to navigate all the expectations. You're gonna see a higher problem with people coping. Dr. Cam (08:38) I'm going to, have a question about that because this is where I struggle a little bit to be honest. Elaine Taylor-Klaus (she/her) (08:41) Okay. Can I pin that and can we pin it? There's one more thing that I think is really important. So you've got a complex condition that's way more complex than we understood. That's a process of elimination diagnosis. So there's no test for it. Although there's now beginning to be like QB Tech and some of these other assessments that can assist the assessment. And there's some online, I mean, it's way better. It's going to be easier 20 years from now to diagnose it than it is now. But there was a major smear campaign that was launched against ADHD in the late 90s and early 2000s. was multimillion dollars done by the same people who actually took on the tobacco industry. They went after teachers, they went after doctors, they went after school systems they demonized medication. And I'm not gonna go into the all of who was behind it because I don't need that lawsuit neither do you. But there is a podcast episode on my podcast on parenting with impact with Kelly Pickens talking about the smear campaign. So I think part of what we're still dealing with was that in the late 90s and early aughts, a lot of people were avoiding a diagnosis, providers were avoiding the diagnosis, parents didn't wanna get it or didn't want to use medication or try medication. So we all these adults now who were never identified and treated. And so that's kind of coming out of the woodwork. So that's kind of the context for what I think is going on. Now, what's the question? Dr. Cam (10:10) Well, and this is coming from a mom with a daughter with ADHD who has been medicated for many, many years. And I think the thing that I've always struggled with is, is there really a deep issue with my daughter or is the world becoming far more distra, there's far more distractions and pace and challenges that the human brain just is not as capable because it does not evolve as fast as technology and the world is evolving that the human brain just isn't doesn't have the capacity to handle it anymore. And so we're medicating them to be able to so this is this is where I go back and forth. clear this up for me. Elaine Taylor-Klaus (she/her) (11:03) I you. feel you. Okay. All right. I'm so with you. I totally get it. Here's what I, here's how I see it. Okay. First of all, I do think that ADHD, the ADHD brain is an evolutionary adaptation. So I think we're actually more capable of handling what's going on in this world, not less. I like to call it, nobody can, what do you call it? Double task. multitask, but we can rapid sequential monotask like nobody's business, right? So I think that it's actually an evolutionary adaptation. That's just my, you know, and it's not that we can't cope with the world. It's that we can't always fulfill the expectations of the world. And so we need support to be able to do what the world expects of us to do. Dr. Cam (11:39) Right, that does sound evolutionary. Love that approach. Elaine Taylor-Klaus (she/her) (12:02) But if you look at the greatest innovators, the greatest Nobel Prize winners, and like the greatest minds throughout history, most of them are probably neurodiverse. And so that capacity to think creatively, think outside the box, see things that other people don't see, make linkages and connections, that's extraordinary, right? And you still like think the absent mind of the professor at some point you still have to do the dishes and do the laundry and that's the stuff that's hard to do when your brain is thinking of quantum physics. So that's why I think it's so hard to adapt and why the more interesting and fascinating the world gets in some ways the harder it is for those of us who are engaged in that to deal with the mundane things of life. Dr. Cam (12:38) I wanna go down this path, I'm just excited to ask questions. Elaine Taylor-Klaus (she/her) (12:57) I struggle with the term medicated my child and I used to use it too. Because I don't think it's medicating them. I think we are giving them medication that supports their brain to help them achieve what they want to achieve. And that goes back to that smear campaign, right? I had this conversation with one of my coaching groups, parents of group of teens, and we were talking about helping kids become their own medical managers. And we want them to make their choices and to enroll. And I've never met a teenager who doesn't at some point stop taking their meds before they come back to their meds, right? Because they want to be in control. And what I said to this group, and was really quite like I became emotional when I was saying it, I started taking medication almost 15 years ago. I take a very small dose, but it helps reduce my overwhelm. So I know what to focus on. And for about 10 years, every morning I would look at that pill and I go, is this a crutch? Do I really need this? Should I be taking this? And I was shaming myself because the world wants me to feel shame for needing this medication. And what I realized is I don't need it. but my life is so much better when I take it. I can be more of myself. I can be more present in my life. So do I need it? Could I function without it? Yeah. Would I be as effective and compassionate and present? Actually, no. So thank you for letting me. That's kind of my soapbox on it, but I just feel like, yeah. So go ahead. Dr. Cam (14:35) It such an important soapbox and I'm glad you got there because I think that is something that we've always talked about too with my daughter. It's like we met it, she uses medication for school because school is not an environment that her brain succeeds at as well without it. However, in other realms of her life, Elaine Taylor-Klaus (she/her) (15:05) It doesn't set her up for success. . Dr. Cam (15:10) She does not use medication because her brain is far more effective the way it is. So here's the path that you were going down that I really want to go down. Is this evolutionary thought of the brain, the neurodiversity that we look at often and society looks at often as a weakness, is actually them more evolved than a lot of us and is the strength but because the world hasn't caught up to them, they need medication to help them adapt and almost like lower down to our level to be able to cope with how the world has not caught up with them. I wanna go that route because that route makes, gives me chills when I think of my daughter. Like, look at her go. Elaine Taylor-Klaus (she/her) (15:46) So my theory is that, and I'm talking about all nerd versus kids, because ADHD travels with lots of cousins and it's almost never alone, right? Like the kids with ADHD and dyslexia, they're the brilliant superpowers who can do anything because they understand that structure supports them and they're willing to use structure. They're not going to fight it. And they are amazing, right? What I think is that a lot of us are specialists in a generalist's world. That we have brains, whether it's autism or ADHD or anxiety, there's something about the way that we're wired, that when we find our gift, our specialty, or when we tap into that, I that's what my world has been when I discovered, when I created Impact. Like who I am as a coach and a parent and professional educator, like this is my sweet spot. This is where I'm supposed to be in the And when I'm here, I'm like bulletproof, I'm awesome. can be present and I can be engaged and I can go all day long. If I have to try to make dinner, I become like this really ridiculously weak, incapable adult. So I'm a specialist in this world. And when I can lean into my specialty, I can soar. But when I'm asked to perform as a generalist, when I'm expected to do well in science when I'm a language arts person. And then you only want me to focus on the science and the math because that's where my weakness is. So I should really work on that. And then you take me out of the art class that I'm really soaring in. Like it's counterintuitive, right? And so I do think, I think what, one of the things I've learned in the last few years, we've done a lot of work around neurodiversity education. I do training for corporate, do training for coaching groups on neurodiversity coaching, neurodiversity inclusion, and all that kind of stuff. And what I'm really clear at is that when you look at the full range of neurodiversity, it is probably about almost half the population. When you look at anxiety, ADHD, autism, depression, trauma, right? Let's just go to trauma for a minute and how many people in PTSD and how many people have had various trauma experiences in their lives. It rewires your brain. It may be circumstantial or situational. It may last, but everyone has some experience of being neurodivergent at some time. That's what neurodiversity is about. It's about all of our brains are wired different and some are not better than others. Dr. Cam (18:34) We're all neurodivergent. just on a different, we all are. We are, I like that. We are all neurodiverse. Absolutely. I love NeuroSpicy. That's awesome. Elaine Taylor-Klaus (she/her) (18:51) We are all neurodiverse. Okay. You're all neurodiverse. I like to call us neuro spicy. You know, just a little. But we are all, everybody's got, everybody's brain is different. I mean, there are lots of similarities, but everybody's brain is different. And if we can tap into what makes each person's brain tick, there's this concept called universal design. And it's kind of the all boats will rise philosophy, right? The notion is if you, you, what we do for people with neurodiversity, the education we provide, if we adapt a classroom for kids with neurodiversity or for kids with neurodivergence, it's going to serve all of the kids in the classroom, right? Everybody's going to do better if we create basic accommodations. that give kids a sense of agency and autonomy and a voice, right? Everybody's gonna do better if we don't give them a ton of busy work and we help them learn what they need to learn without wasting their time. And so if we begin to see that, and this is the same in the workplace, everybody's gonna do better if we're onboarding somebody in a work environment and we find out, would you be better to communicate with this in text or video or like, If we ask people how they process information and how they motivate themselves, and then we play to that, it's going to benefit everyone. So that's where I think we're going, but I think we've got a few decades before we actually get there. Yeah, well, you know, it takes some time. Dr. Cam (20:34) Yeah, it's a slow moving boat, isn't it? It takes some time to tend to things. So in the meantime, we've got a teenager who has been diagnosed with ADHD or autism or one of the many, right? But the expectation is for them to go to school, sit in school and do well in school and their brain does better elsewhere. And that is not where their brain functions at its best. How do we as parents support our kids going through there without them feeling like they're broken, which happens quite a lot. And they're treated that way often in school. That's been a big issue for my daughter and I. How do we help them maintain that sense of self-esteem and that belief in themselves and help them find their strengths? Elaine Taylor-Klaus (she/her) (21:30) Great question. and as you can imagine, I could talk all day about it, right? So everything I do is about that. my, my short answer is you take a coach approach, a neurodiversity informed coach approach. When, when I learned how to use coaching skills to communicate differently with my kid and with their teachers and with everybody else around them, it shifted everything. If I were to point to what's fundamental to that, it's about. It's about cultivating a sense of agency, fostering their ownership and helping them see their why, what's in it for them. And, you know, collaborative problem solving, but not just what are the lacking skills, which is great, but still deficit based, right? But to say, okay, so I was, was working with a client this morning, her kids are younger. So maybe, maybe I can extrapolate this to a teenage example. Okay. Because we do a lot of work with parents of teens and young adults. We have groups for parents of teens and groups for parents of young adults. You got a kid who's trying to get out the door to go to school, who wants to go to school, who is having a really hard time waking up in the morning. And maybe they don't want to go to school, and that's a different conversation. But let's assume you've gotten the relationship. So you lean into the relationship and you build some trust and you're communicating better. And you've gotten to the point where you're collaborating and they want to be able to get to school, but it's a struggle. Okay, we all know the scenario. It happens a lot. Okay, so in our model, we talk about taking aim. So understand that what I've just said is the assumption that you've done a lot of work already. You've really leaned into the relationship. You've built trust because what happens with teens is we fall out of trust with them and they fall out of trust with us and they fall out of trust with themselves. So done that work and we're communicating better. So now we can begin to really collaborate. So you start by taking aim, and instead of taking aim on mornings, you say, okay, what's the one thing that if we change that, it's gonna start having a cascading effect? What's the one tweak? And it might be getting out of bed when the alarm goes off. Okay, so they've set the alarm, the alarm's going off, you're walking by, you're trying not to yell and scream because they're not getting out of bed, and then you say, you gotta get out of bed, and then they get mad at you because you're already aggravated, right? We don't know the scenario at all, I'm sure. So collaborative problem solving would be going to the kid and saying, I really get that you're trying to get out to go to school in the morning on time and that it's hard and that you're setting your alarm. How do you want me to handle it when I do hear the alarm going off and you haven't gotten out of bed? What would you like me to do? So now that you're not saying you need to, you're assuming that by this point you've been collaborating and now they've taken ownership. They've got the agency. They just need some help. How can I support you? What would be useful for you? And this is a really true story. When we took this approach with my eldest at the time, who was maybe a little young, maybe 15, 14, 15. And after trying every alarm and the bed shaking alarm and the alarm that ran across the room, and we tried everything, Nothing was working. They said, don't you come in with a spray bottle? Now, a water bottle. Kids don't try this at home. I am not suggesting to any of your parents that you go get a spray bottle and tell your kid you're going to. But this came from my kid, this idea, because they like to play and they're very playful with their father. And so we were like, OK, you sure? Yeah, I'm sure. Whatever. Right. So we get in there and I'm down in the kitchen one morning and I hear this really loud noise and it's like really loud and I go running upstairs and my husband and my child are hysterically laughing. My child has got the corner of the bed by the hands on the ground and their dad's got their ankle and is pulling them across the floor and they're pulling the bed across the floor. Okay. And it's loud and they're cackling with laughter and they may have been late to school because we were having so much fun. Right. But, the notion here was that we were supporting them in their agenda of trying to get out of bed instead of making it our agenda. So we need to want for them more than we want from them. And if we want for them to support them in their agenda, then we can do all kinds of crazy things because it's their agenda. And we're just experimenting with them and helping them try different things. But if it's our agenda and we're like, well, you need to set the alarm and put it across the room and you should be like, if our hands are on our hips, we're probably not collaborating, right? Dr. Cam (26:24) We're not, are, I love that for them, not what you expect from them is beautiful. And once again, this is good for every child, not just neurodiverse. Like this is foundational. Elaine Taylor-Klaus (she/her) (26:28) Yes, for them, not from them. Because so much. Everybody, right? That's right. Well, it has to do with whose expectations is it, right? Because we have this tendency to assume that if we expect something or the world expects something of us and our kids, that that's the right thing. And the truth is, I mean, the big shift in my family happened when I stopped trying to listen to the world's expectations and I started meeting my kids where they were and figuring out what was an appropriate expectation to set for this kid at this time in this moment. Like that's the shift. It's meet them where they are and raise the bar from there. Instead of setting the bar up here because everybody should because they're 12 or 15 or 22, you know, like that just doesn't work. Dr. Cam (27:12) It doesn't work. That was your alarm that you have to go, wasn't it? Yeah, so yeah, I think this is so key because it is, it's giving them ownership. And also if our kids are neurodiverse, and as we just said, we all are, it doesn't mean our solution is going to work for them because we have a different brain than they do. So when we keep trying to push our solution, Elaine Taylor-Klaus (she/her) (27:24) It's okay. We'll wrap up. They'll be there in a minute. Dr. Cam (27:50) onto them and they get mad at them for not using our solution wisely, we're the ones at fault. Elaine Taylor-Klaus (she/her) (27:57) That's right. I just went upstairs after talking to this client and told my husband, I'm like, do you remember being the weatherman? He's like, what are you talking about? We wanted to change warnings and we worked with our kids and I sat down with him. like, what will work? And our kids are the ones who said to me, one, we need to wake up earlier. I was letting them wait till the last couple of minutes because I wanted them to get to sleep. They're like, we're not getting enough time and you're rushing us. And two, we don't want to rush. And three, we don't want you to tell us we're running late. So they came up with the idea that at a certain agreed upon time, instead of coming out and saying, you need to be downstairs in 10 minutes, dad would come out and give them the weather report. And when he gave the weather report, they knew what time it was. It gave them an idea of what to wear and they could manage their time around that. And I can't say it was a perfect fix immediately, but I can say that it worked and we used it for years because it was their idea was their agency, it worked for them. I wouldn't have come up with it, it was brilliant. Right? Dr. Cam (28:58) Yeah. Yep. I love that. And when you think about it, the more important skill is not getting up. It's figuring out how you get up. That's the skill. So if we take that away from them, then we're taking away their ability to learn to problem solve, which is a complex skill that you have to practice over over over again. Elaine Taylor-Klaus (she/her) (29:08) Yes. Our job as parents, I think, is to be in the process of problem solving with our kids again and again and again and again and And letting them lead, collaborate, support, collaborate. We have a model where there are four phases of parents. And so the middle two that we need to be in most of all is collaborate with them until, share the agenda till it's their agenda and then support them in their agenda. Share the agenda. Dr. Cam (29:31) and letting them lead. Elaine Taylor-Klaus (she/her) (29:50) until it's their agenda and then move in to support them in their agenda. And we just wanna keep doing that again and again as often as we can. Dr. Cam (29:57) Yeah, I love that. So what is one takeaway that you want to make sure parents step away with from this episode? Elaine Taylor-Klaus (she/her) (30:06) my gosh, what I really want to do is say to the parents listening, what's one insight you've gotten from this conversation? What's one thing you want to take away from this conversation that you want to apply in your life? Because that, I could tell them, right? And I would say that probably if I were to give you one, it would be, God, there's so many is to lean into the relationship, right? Build the trust, because that's where it all comes from. And I also want them to think about what they take away from this, because it's really, that's what's most important. Dr. Cam (30:40) I love that. you just modeled. Well, that's what I was just pointing out is you just modeled how to coach. You're not telling them the answer. You are basically just setting it up for them to figure out the answer. So that was a beautiful example of exactly what we want parents to be doing. I love that. Aline, how do, how do people find you? Elaine Taylor-Klaus (she/her) (30:50) Yeah. Thank you. This was great. Well, we have a podcast too. And if you're listening, you're probably a podcaster. So the Parenting with Impact podcast, wherever you podcast, where sometimes I interview experts, sometimes it's Diane and me, know, spitballing about what's been going on. Sometimes we have clients on and do success stories. So it's fun. we're coming up next year. We'll hit our 200th episode. So good podcast, great blog, great website, impactparents.com. Lots of free gifts and downloads and you know come check us out if you are a parent of a complex kid of any age 4 to 44 There's lots of stuff to help you learn how to take a coach approach. That's neurodiversity informed And you know whether it's taking our sanity school class or joining coaching groups or listen to the podcast Come play with us Dr. Cam (31:57) That's fantastic. What a great resource. Thank you for doing that. Elaine Taylor-Klaus (she/her) (32:01) Thank you. Thanks for asking. Thanks for having me. I hope I know we've had to cut this a little short, so maybe I can come back and we can play again. I'm inviting myself back because you're great. Dr. Cam (32:07) We can have there's so much to do. Invite yourself. There's so much I can come on your show. We can talk about it there too. Yeah, this we can talk for this about hours. Talk about this for hours. All right. Thank you so much. All right. Elaine Taylor-Klaus (she/her) (32:14) That would be great. We're going to do it. We'll do it here. Absolutely. Thanks for having me again. ABOUT THE SHOWThe Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Podcast is your go-to resource for navigating the challenges of raising teenagers. Hosted by Dr. Cam Caswell, an adolescent psychologist and certified parenting coach, this podcast offers practical parenting strategies, expert advice, and real-world insights to help you build a stronger relationship with your teen and support their emotional growth. Whether you’re struggling with teenage behavior or looking to improve communication, each episode provides actionable tips to make parenting teens easier and more rewarding. Hashtags#ParentingTeens #Neurodiversity #ADHDParenting #TeenConfidence | |||
| 14 Jun 2023 | Supporting Nonbinary Teens with Ivy | 00:30:48 | |
Although there is still a lot that we need to learn, societal understanding and awareness of nonbinary identities is improving. Nonbinary often experience a gender identity that falls outside of the male/female binary and may choose to use gender-neutral pronouns such as "they/them" instead of he/him or she/her. Teens who identify as nonbinary may experiment with different gender expressions, including clothing, hairstyles, and accessories, to find what aligns with their authentic selves. Research suggests that nonbinary teens may face higher rates of mental health challenges compared to cisgender (non-transgender) peers, including increased levels of anxiety, depression, self-harm, and suicidality. This has been attributed to high rates of societal discrimination, misgendering, exclusion, bullying, and a lack of supportive resources. Many nonbinary teens find solace and support within LGBTQ+ communities, online platforms, and youth organizations. They often engage in activism, advocating for their rights, gender equality, and inclusion in various aspects of society. In this episode, Dr. Cam talks with one of these brave advocates, Ivy, a college student and artist who also happens to identify as nonbinary. Ivy shares their story, explains what it’s like to try to be their authentic self in a world that’s not always accepting, and provides some insight into how we can best support our own children who may not identify with a traditional label.
Thanks for Listening! Thanks so much for listening to our podcast! If you enjoyed this episode and think that others would appreciate the guidance and encouragement, please take a quick moment to rate and review. Reviews from my listeners are extremely valuable and greatly appreciated. Review on iTunes.
Subscribe to the Podcast If you would like to get automatic updates of new podcast episodes, you can subscribe to the podcast on iTunes, YouTube, Google, Spotify. You can also subscribe from the podcast app on your mobile device or listen LIVE in my Private Facebook Group. | |||
| 19 Sep 2023 | How to Raise an Antiracist with Roxy Manning and Sarah Peyton | 00:35:22 | |
In this episode we're unpacking a topic that's not just timely; it's absolutely essential: How to Raise an Antiracist. In an era where issues of race and social justice dominate headlines, it's crucial that we equip our teens with the knowledge and tools to be active participants in the fight against racism. Joining me are the co-authors of the The Antiracist Heart: A Self-Compassion and Activism Handbook. Roxy Manning a clinical psychologist and certified Center for Nonviolent Communication (CNVC) trainer and Sarah Peyton a Certified Trainer of Nonviolent Communication and neuroscience educator. Together they will shed light on how we can guide our teens to become not just non-racist, but antiracist advocates who actively work towards a fair and inclusive world.
Resources Mentioned in This Episode
Thanks for Listening! Thanks so much for listening to our podcast! If you enjoyed this episode and think that others would appreciate the guidance and encouragement, please take a quick moment to rate and review. Reviews from my listeners are extremely valuable and greatly appreciated. Review on iTunes.
Subscribe to the Podcast If you would like to get automatic updates of new podcast episodes, you can subscribe to the podcast on iTunes, YouTube, Google, Spotify. You can also subscribe from the podcast app on your mobile device or listen LIVE in my Private Facebook Group. | |||
| 28 Jun 2021 | Prioritizing What’s Important with Desiree Panlilio | 00:29:17 | |
In this episode, Dr. Cam talks with counselor Desiree Panililio (@encouragingteens). Desiree’s passion is working with hesitant teens who are seeking and struggling with framing who they are and defining a clear vision of their future. She helps them take action and move forward with purpose. Desiree believes communication is the key to any relationship and that we can all use support as we navigate the teenage years. Desiree and Dr. Cam discuss:
Read Desiree’s article at https://www.encouragingteens.com/post/teenagers-and-parents-need-to-unplug If you want to learn even more about how to set your teen up for success both at school and in life, feel free to download my gift to you: 7 Secrets to Motivating Teens at www.askdrcam.com/motivateteens Finally, if you enjoyed this episode and all the amazing nuggets that Desiree shared with us, please take a quick moment to rate and review. This helps other parents like you find this show. I encourage you to share it with a friend as well. | |||
| 16 Oct 2021 | How to Talk So Your Teens Will Listen with Joy Marchese | 00:30:21 | |
Today I’m talking with Joy Marchese (@positivedisciplineUK), a global educational consultant, author, keynote speaker, parent coach, and emotional architect. For 25 years Joy has worked with thousands of children, parents, teachers, and professionals to help foster a happy and flourishing environment in the home, in schools, and in the workplace. Joy is the Founder of Positive Discipline UK and co-author of Positive Discipline for Today’s Busy (& Overwhelmed) Parent. She runs a successful global educational consultancy and coaching practice and develops SEL courses and products to teach social-emotional skills in homes, schools, and multiple organizations throughout the world. Joy and I are talking about:
FREE STUFF!
If you found this episode valuable, please take a quick moment to comment and share. This helps other parents like you find the show. Thank you!! | |||
| 09 Mar 2021 | Blended families with Lesa Forrest | 00:37:46 | |
In this episode, Dr. Cam talks with Lesa Forrest, a Certified Family and Life Coach who is passionate about helping others build relationships, marriages, and harmonized families. Lesa is a devoted wife of 27 years, mother of six and a grandma of twelve. Over the last few years, she has used her incredible marital experience and life teachings to help blended families successfully restructure their lives by setting boundaries, establishing realistic expectations and improving their communication. She founded First Step Family LLC, platform designed to help blended families rise above the societal stigmas and build awesome lives for themselves. Lesa and Dr. Cam talk about:
Connect with Lesa Forrest Website | Facebook | Instagram | YouTube
Download Dr. Cam's free guide: 7 Secrets to Motivating Teens
If you found these tips helpful, please rate, review, and share with a friend! | |||
| 14 Dec 2021 | How to keep our perfectionist teens free from the “Stay Busy” trap with Oie Dobier | 00:38:47 | |
If your teen is stressed out trying to do it all but struggling to stay focused and motivated, this episode is for you. I’m joined by Oie Dobier, the founder of Project Who Am I (@projWhoAmI), is a mom of 2 teenagers and a nature loving, bubble tea fanatic. Her mission in life is to help people pay attention to their true self so they can intentionally fill their day with things that leverage their natural talents AND things that align to what’s important to their life. In this episode, Oie tells us how to prevent our perfectionist teens from falling into the “Stay Busy” trap and help them find their true passion, purpose, and focus. FREE STUFF!
If you found this episode valuable, please take a quick moment to comment and share. This helps other parents like you find the show. Thank you!! | |||
| 04 Nov 2021 | Increasing teen engagement in school with Dr. Norrine Russell | 00:27:14 | |
In this episode…If your teen is struggling in school or unmotivated to even try, this episode is for you. Today I’m talking with Dr. Norrine Russell (@drnorrinerussell) the founder of Russell Coaching. Dr. Russell’s passion for providing support to frustrated students and weary parents is fueled by her own experience of raising two neurologically atypical children with diagnosis of autism, mood disorders, ADHD, giftedness, and learning differences. Dr. Russell knows firsthand the exhaustion parents face as they seek solutions for their out-of-the-box children. In today’s episode Dr. Russell is going to give us some tips on how to best support and encourage our teens. FREE STUFF!
If you found this episode valuable, please take a quick moment to comment and share. This helps other parents like you find the show. Thank you!! | |||
| 21 Sep 2021 | Parenting teens without shame and fear with Ben Pugh | 00:34:26 | |
Today I’m talking with THE MOST Freaking amazing life coach for parents of teens Ben Pugh. He told me to say that, but I agree he’s pretty awesome. Ben is a former teenage knucklehead who accidentally lit his school bus on fire. All the adults in his life told him he ruined his life. He went on to become a teacher, turn around high school principal for 5 years, a foster parent for 10 years, and is now changing the lives of parents and teens all over as the go-to life coach for parents of teens. Ben and I are talking about:
FREE STUFF!
If you found this episode valuable, please take a quick moment to comment and share. This helps other parents like you find the show. Thank you!! | |||
| 15 Mar 2024 | Raising Respectful Teens with Brooke Romney | 00:38:09 | |
Have you ever felt at a loss when faced with your teen's rude behavior? Moments where your requests are ignored, or they respond with sarcasm or eye-rolling? If this sounds all too familiar, this episode is for you. In this episode, Dr. Cam is joined by Brooke Romney (@brookeromneywrites), the best-selling author of 52 Modern Manners for Today's Teens Volume 1 and 2. Brooke sheds light on how we can foster mutual respect and maintain authority while still strengthening our connection with our teens. Resources Mentioned in This Episode
Feeling lost in the sea of parenting advice? Wish you had a supportive community to navigate the ups and downs of raising happy, thriving teens? **Introducing Thriving Parent Academy! ** This online community equips YOU with the tools and knowledge to: ⭐ Foster strong parent-teen relationships ⭐Set clear boundaries and expectations ⭐ Navigate attitude and meltdowns with confidence ⭐ Raise kind, responsible humans
Join our amazing community of parents and: ⭐ Connect with like-minded individuals who "get it" ⭐ Learn from me through exclusive laser coaching sessions and master classes ⭐ Get personalized support and guidance tailored to your unique needs Stop feeling overwhelmed and start thriving! Limited spots available! Enroll now at thrivingparent.org. P.S. Share with any parent friends who might benefit! | |||
| 20 May 2021 | Fathers and teen daughters with Aaron Wandtke | 00:16:49 | |
In this episode, Dr. Cam talks with Aaron Wandtke, the Founder and President of Executive Staffing Solutions (ESS). Aaron also started Purpose and Wisdom Coaches, which is focused on entrepreneurs and leaders who want to impact their companies, teams, families, and communities. Most importantly, as a father of four daughters, Aaron wants to help us inspire our own daughters to be leaders and make their lives more purposeful. Dr. Cam and Aaron discuss:
Connect with Aaron Wandtke Website | Facebook | Instagram | LinkedIn
Connect with Dr. Cam at www.AskDrCam.com/contact.
If you want to learn even more about how to connect with your teen and calm the drama, be sure to join me for the Parenting Teens Power Hour. I have an incredible lineup of experts lined up to share their best tips and secrets—and it’s free. You can register here.
If you enjoyed this episode and all the impactful tips that Aaron shared with us, please take a quick moment to rate and review. This helps other parents like you find this show. Feel free to share the love with a friend as well. | |||
| 06 Jun 2024 | How to Relieve Mom Guilt and Find Peace in Motherhood: Essential Tips for Busy Moms | 00:39:58 | |
In this episode of Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam, we’re joined by Ali Flynn, the founder of Hang In There Mama. Ali shares invaluable insights on how moms can find peace and joy in their motherhood journey while overcoming feelings of guilt. If you're a mom feeling overwhelmed or guilty, this episode is a must-listen!
WHAT YOU'LL LEARN IN THIS EPISODE
5 KEY TAKEAWAYS FOR PARENTS OF TEENS
🎧❤️ ENJOYING THE SHOW? Don’t keep it to yourself! Share your favorite episode and leave a rating and review to help other parents find the support they need. Your feedback helps me create even more episodes filled with practical tips for you and your family! Thanks so much for your support! 🙏💫 🔔 Remember to hit SUBSCRIBE so you never miss another solution-packed episode! 🙌
RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE
EPISODE CHAPTERS: 00:00 - Finding Peace and Joy in Motherhood 04:34 - Overcoming Mom Guilt and Unrealistic Expectations 08:15 - The Importance of Self-Care and Self-Love 12:26 - Practical Tips for Prioritizing Self-Care 26:29 - Letting Go of Excessive Worrying
CONNECT WITH OUR GUEST: Ali Flynn
CONNECT WITH YOUR HOST: Dr. Cam Caswell
FULL TRANSCRIPT Dr. Cam (00:00): Hey parents, ever feel completely drained like there's nothing left in the tank for you or your kids, but the idea of me time triggers guilt? You're not alone. A whopping 80 % of moms wrestle with this, but what if we could ditch the guilt and find peace and joy in motherhood? That's exactly what we're tackling today. I'm joined by Ali Flynn, the mastermind behind Hang In There Mama. Ali understands the unique challenges of raising teens. We're going to get into real actionable tips to help you ditch the guilt and carve out moments to recharge even with your crazy schedule. Because guess what? A happy, healthy you means a happier, healthier family. Allie, welcome to the show. Ali Flynn (00:41.198): Thank you so much. It's such an honor to be on with you. Dr. Cam (00:44.017): First I want to hear what inspired you to launch Hang in there, Mama. Ali Flynn (00:51.15): Honestly, it really came down to I wanted to share with people all of the encouragement and inspiration that I really wanted to hear myself, that I wasn't hearing all the time. I felt really alone at times in my motherhood journey. I felt really lost. I felt not good enough. I didn't sometimes know what I was doing, but I felt like we're in this perfection mode of being a mom and how do I actually offer that honesty up to people. And I just wanted moms to know that you are not the only one, you are not alone in this. We are all sort of struggling along this journey at times. And you know, you don't have to feel lost within it. Dr. Cam (01:35.665): Yeah, I think it's so important and I love that you're putting out there that support because you're absolutely right. And I think especially when our kids get into the teen years, we feel the most isolated because I think there's this belief that we should have it figured out by now. So we're afraid to ask for help, but raising teens is not raising kids. It's a whole new skill set. And so asking for help, I think realizing other people are struggling with it gives us permission to ask for help. Are you finding that? Ali Flynn (02:10.286): Exactly, exactly. And I feel like you're spot on with that in the sense of a lot of moms when they enter the teen years with their kids, they completely hibernate, they retreat, they stop sharing, they stop talking. Oftentimes, you know, it's that tween years of entering the middle school time where you're not at the elementary school anymore, you're not at the bus stop, you're not at the birthday parties. So you lose some of the engagement unless you have sort of created a sort of a basis of friends and a network that you can rely on. But then if you don't have that, you sort of feel alone, but you also don't feel comfortable sharing everything and being honest. And then you have sort of part two, which is as our teens grow up you want to give them their privacy, right? When they're little and they're not reaching milestones, you can sort of share that information. But now you have teenagers and what are parents going to maybe share with their teen and then it gets throughout the school. And so it just becomes this vicious cycle at times. So sort of knowing that other people are going through it and really believing that allows you to be more transparent and get the support you need. Dr. Cam (03:13.649): Absolutely. It’s a fine line because you do want whatever your team tells you and whatever's going with your team to be confidential between you and your team, but how do you get help that way? So how do you find a safe network of people that you can trust with that information that can give you that insight back that's not going to feel like you're betraying your teenager? Like it is, it's this whole complicated thing. What's interesting when you're describing what moms do, particularly, and we're particularly talking about moms, because I think we burden a lot of the guilt, which I'm still confused why we get more guilt, but I think that's just mom, women in general, like to take on guilt. But it's interesting the way you were describing what moms do is exactly how we describe what our teens are doing, where we're like hibernating and we're hiding, and it's that same sense of just protection. So. Ali Flynn (04:17.74): Exactly. Dr. Cam (04:18.673): Now we're going and saying, hey, you're not alone. That doesn't relieve our guilt and it doesn't make our lives less crazy so that we can take care of ourselves. So let's talk about first the guilt. Where does this guilt come from? Ali Flynn (04:34.926): I truly believe it comes from everything that we are being fed through society. We as moms are being fed that we have to be perfect. We have to have everything aligned. We have to know at all moments, every single day, 365 days a year, what we are doing and know with complete trust that we are doing the right thing. And it's just unrealistic. It's an unrealistic expectation on women, on mothers. It's an unrealistic expectation for our children to think that we're perfect. So I think it becomes this trap of we are fed this through what we read, what we see on TV, what we see in movies. So how do you get out of it? Right. And then you go down that path and that rabbit hole of comparing yourself to other moms, comparing yourself to what you see on social media as you're scrolling. And it just, it's such an unhealthy concept that we have to get out of. And I think the only way to get out of it is by really being open and honest with each other as moms and, you know, letting go of some of that protective barrier and saying like, this is what I'm going through or am I the only one? And see sort of what happens and sort of create that village for yourself of moms who are willing to be transparent. Dr. Cam (06:02.225): I think a lot of parents think that what they're going through is completely unique. And yet I'm sure you hear this too, but in what I do, I hear the same concerns and complaints and worries over and over and over again. And so because they are common struggles that we have at this stage because of the stage and because of just what you said is this view of what that's supposed to look like. And I think, I always talk about we're concerned about the impact of comparison and social media on our kids. And I keep seeing that. I think it has more negative impact on us as parents on our expectations down to our kids. Because I have parents all the time tell me, well, everyone else has a, no, they don't. They do not have it figured out. But then we put down those expectations and expect our kids to be a certain way which then changes how we parent because we don't have the ability to be as compassionate because we're more fearful. Do you see that as well? Ali Flynn (07:04.558): Right. You know, and I see we're comparing ourselves in so many ways, just like our teens are doing, right? So moms are comparing what we look like to how we're behaving, to what vacations are we going on? How are we incorporating fun into our kids' worlds, right? But we're forgetting that this is just a presence. This is not reality. This is what people put out there isn't truth all the time, right? So why are we sucking down that trap that we don't want our kids to go down, right? So it's sort of like we need to get our self together and recognize this so we can model it for our own kids. Dr. Cam (07:39.409): I think the other thing that we juggle is this, you know, this good enough mom, which I think there's this falsehood that that just means we kind of just give up in a way. Like we're just going to, this is what it is and we're just going to deal with it versus this, we're not going to be perfect, but we can still grow and learn and be better. How do we separate the growth from the guilt? Ali Flynn (08:15.822): Well, I always talk to moms about how we are on this journey evolving over and over and over again. We are not the same mom that we were when our child was born, when they were infants, toddlers, teens, or even young adults, right? And older adults. We have to change with them. We have to learn. We have to grow. And if we don't do that, we're going to get caught in this trap. And if you get caught in that trap, you do feel not good enough because you are also not evolving. But the concept of not feeling good enough, it's like such nonsense to me, right? Because we are good enough and we know we're good enough, but we are taking in all these negative messages and believing that we're not good enough. So it's really just stopping that path and believing and supporting ourselves through self-love and self-care to then model for our kids that they also are good enough, right? Not for them to feel that way, not for them to get caught in this vicious cycle. So I think there's so many layers and elements to this. We could probably talk for hours about it. Right? And you see it all the time. And it's just really, it's something that I'm so passionate about because we have to change the narrative. Dr. Cam (09:27.185): I think it's the difference between being good enough and not, not being good enough and not knowing enough. We are good enough, but there's always more we can know. I mean, you and I do this day in and day out and I'm still reading books every day. I'm still taking classes. I'm ex, I'm interviewing experts like you. I still don't know everything. So there's no way for us, that doesn't mean I'm not good enough, it just means I've got lots more I can learn. There's nothing wrong with that. Ali Flynn (10:05.982) And I think also, we're always evolving, we're learning, right? We're growing, we're growing along with our kids. But we also have to recognize that we have to expand, right? We have to allow ourselves to recognize that we are good enough, and we are good enough for our family, right? So that's sort of also where my mindset shifted. I did this change and said to myself, rather than thinking I'm not good enough for the whole world, it doesn't matter about the whole world. This is my family of six, and I'm going to do for my family of six what I know they need from me. And I'm not going to worry about the neighbor next door. I'm going to care for my neighbor next door, and I will worry about them. But I'm not going to invest my time in over-analyzing what they are doing in comparison to what I'm doing, because I'm the only one who knows what my particular kids need. Focus on that, right? Do what is right for your family and ignore the chatter of what everyone else is doing. Dr. Cam (11:06.179) I think a lot of that chatter is chatter we make up too. The fear of what we think they may be thinking, and then we get stuck in that, and that kind of gets us down that trap. And I think the other thing to just consider is when we admit and take accountability that there's more we can learn, that doesn't say that what we have done in the past has been failure. We've done the best we could with everything we know, and that's okay. But we can always know more if we want to change the dynamic. That's all there is to it. That's not saying we failed. It's just saying we still have room to go. So now we're going to slowly but surely—because this is a difficult thing for us to do—let go of guilt because we were born and raised to embrace it. Let's be real. And we are passing that guilt burden onto our kids in many ways as well. But how do we now model taking care of ourselves? Because I think this is the other thing where we tend to sacrifice our own well-being for the well-being of our kids. And Ali, tell us why that does not work long-term. Ali Flynn (12:26.99) Yet this is something that it took me a long time to realize. And it took me a long time to recognize that I personally was doing this, right? I had this thought that being a good mom and being a good enough mom meant that I was completely 100% selfless. I was selfless. But that selflessness caught up to me, right? So here I was, a younger mom, giving, giving, giving, overly giving, but it turned into sort of self-sabotage. And then, as I'm giving, I'm becoming more hostile. I'm retreating. I'm getting upset about the littlest things. I don't feel enough, but I also don't feel fulfilled. And it's sort of this dynamic where I love being a mother, but I'm not feeling fulfilled at the same time. And why is that happening? It's this dichotomy that I have to think about. And I think I'm a very reflective person. So I could sit back and say, wait a second, this is not what being a mom is about. Being a mom does not mean completely getting lost in just my family and not focusing on myself at all. And being a mom doesn't mean being completely selfless because what am I modeling to my kids? I have to model to my kids that I have to take care of myself. I have to love myself because if I don't model that for them, who is going to? And I want my kids to love themselves, have self-care, be functioning adult men and women who also love themselves. So I got really lost for a long time, and I felt just trapped at times. And it took a while for me to figure out what to do. And it was slow baby steps for me that I had to incorporate self-care back into my, really, my daily and weekly routine that I let go of for so long. Dr. Cam (14:28.721) It's hard to shift that mindset. I think that mindset is so ingrained in us. And then how do you balance this need for, yes, we do have a responsibility to take care of our kids and take care of our family, and that is an enormously hefty job. So how do you balance that with still saying, but I still need to take care of myself without going, well, now I'm going to be selfish and put me first, which means now I put them second? Like that's kind of, we kind of feel like it's one or the other. How do we find that middle ground? Ali Flynn (15:05.358) Right, and this is, yeah, and that's where the mom guilt comes in, and that's where the "I'm not enough" comes in. Because when we are selfless, we feel like, what are we also receiving, and we feel lost. But when we're doing something for ourselves, as moms, we often feel selfish. But self-care and self-love is not selfish. It's not selfish. It's something that we have to do for ourselves. We are human beings, right? We're moms, but we're also still humans who have passions and things that we need to fulfill ourselves and fuel ourselves. So it's really finding that balance, which again, is hard as a mom and especially hard if you are a working mom, especially hard if you don't have a lot of family nearby, if you are divorced, if you are single. The list goes on and on. It is hard to find that balance, but I try to just share with moms, you know, this isn't about taking a spa weekend retreat. This isn't about spending a lot of money. It is truly about sometimes just finding even three minutes of quiet time. And that's it. Three minutes of quiet time just to settle your brain, maybe hop in the shower, go outside on your front yard, take a few deep breaths. It can be simple. That time just to regroup and pause, life-changing. Dr. Cam (16:34.801) It's interesting too, because we do get very worried about how much time our kids are spending on their phones and that this is not good for our mental health. Yet I see parents spending a lot of time on their phones and not having enough time to take care of their own mental health. And it's prioritizing, I believe, right? Because there's—and I'm guilty of this. I'm not saying I don't—I spend way too much time on my phone, you know, and doing things like that going, wait, I could be putting this down and going for a walk. I could be doing those things that take care of me rather than spending time doing this. So how do we become more cognizant of how we're prioritizing our time and how we're using it to take care of ourselves? What are some of the things that we know? You got to take a walk and you got to eat well, and we kind of just go, we know that, we just don't have time. We still don't feel like we have time. How do we change our mindset and find that time? Ali Flynn (17:42.67) Well, I think one of the things you could do is really set up some boundaries for yourself, right? And say, okay, I'm going to recognize I like to scroll a little bit. I need to scroll. It's a mindless activity. I like to not think for a little bit, but I'm not going to do it for two hours. I'm going to give myself a limit, maybe 15-20 minutes, and then I'm going to fill in the blank of what will fulfill you and what is mentally healthier for you. Similar to what we do, a lot of us do with our kids. I know I do this, and it took me a while to figure out, but helping them find that balance. Hey, I've noticed you've been on your phone for an hour or so. Do you wanna go do something? Even if it's, do you wanna go run an errand with me? Or I'm heading on a walk, right? Do you wanna come with me? Or I'm going to go walk the dog. Do you wanna join me? And you can find simple things. I'm about to make dinner. Would you like to help? Just to get them off, but without it being like a demand, a punishment, you know, really talking about the care of yourself while balancing the phone. And I remember during the pandemic, I had four teenagers. I had two eighth graders, a 10th grader, and an 11th grader. Those phones were an appendage to their hands, and it would drive me crazy. And I would just talk to them, and then that would happen. And then I would get, you know, feisty about it and I would, you know, just talk over and over again. They would get annoyed with me. And I remember one day with one of my daughters, I was like, let's go to your screen time. Let me show you your screen time as a visual. Her screen time was off the charts. But I think, like, it took her breath away because she didn't realize when those hours pop up, she didn't realize really how many hours she was on until those numbers appeared. So sometimes you just need that visual also to show you the truth of it, because when you're scrolling, time flies by. You're not even recognizing it, right? When you're walking or exercising, you know the time. It was like five minutes. Dr. Cam (19:44.145) It does. How much more? And Ali, one thing I love about this too is I think when we're transparent about finding time to do things for ourselves that are good for us and saying in front of our kids, my gosh, I'm getting stuck on my phone again. I know I do this with my daughter. I'm like, my gosh, I just spent way too much time on TikTok. I need to go take a walk. And I'm not saying to her, you've spent too much time on TikTok. You need to go take a walk. I'm saying, I've spent it, I'm going to go take a walk, hey, do you want to go with me?" Now it's a whole different thing. It's not about you're doing something bad. It's like, I want to improve myself and my health. I'm just going to share that with you so you're aware of it as well and can start thinking that, like, how much time have I spent? Ali Flynn (20:37.806) Right, well you're role modeling, and then you're essentially putting that little seed in the back burner for her next time maybe to say to herself, have I been on too long? Maybe I should meet up with a friend or go on a walk or whatever they wanna do. It's planting those little seeds. Dr. Cam (20:39.889) They're big seeds. I mean, they grow big. They grow into oak trees eventually. So tell us a few tricks that you might have on what are some really effective ways when we just have moments of time that we can use it really effectively to just kind of decompress, maybe release some of that dopamine, just feel a little bit better. Ali Flynn (20:57.044) I'm sorry. I have three go-tos that have always been my go-tos. One, and I mentioned it before, is breathing. It doesn't mean you have to go into a 20-minute meditation, but simply taking three deep breaths. It could be going into the bathroom and running some cold water on your face or on your wrist to calm down and taking three deep breaths. It could be going out on your backyard or on your front porch and just breathing as you like soak in some vitamin D and sunshine. It could be being in your car and just taking three deep breaths in and out. It will do the trick, right? It calms you in moments of stress, sadness, any type of emotion, or even if you just feel like you're not grounded in that moment, it will ground you. So that's one thing. I personally meditate every day, or I try to meditate every day if I can, but that's about 20 minutes. But if I don't have that time, it's just three deep breaths. And I actually do it every night. As soon as I put my head on the pillow, even I take three deep breaths before I close. I close my eyes, take the three deep breaths and just exhale everything from the day. And it just allows me to feel like I'm releasing everything from that day to start new for tomorrow. The second thing that I tend to also do is I walk a lot. And it doesn't even have to be a fast walk. Sometimes I just walk up and down my driveway. I happened to have to take my father to a doctor's appointment recently. I walked in the parking lot and I listened to a podcast. So I try to listen to sort of meditative music or a podcast, something that is going to either soothe me or, again, like what we're talking about before, I'm gonna learn something from it. The other thing I also do is I journal a lot. So it doesn't have to be pages upon pages. You don't have to have the stress of it, but I just journal, right? I can actually, sometimes I'll use a journal that's blank and just basically word vomit all over the page, whatever I need to say. Other times I use journals that have some prompts. It's sort of dependent on my mood, but I don't stress about it, right? So I used to be an English teacher for middle school. So many of my students hated to read and they hated to write. And the reason why is because they were forced to do book logs, journal entries. And then I think as people move forward, they still have like a negative connotation sometimes, like it's gonna take up so much time or what do they have to do for it? It's an obligation. But if you look at it as it's just healing or word dumping to get off your chest what you need to move forward, it's very soothing. Dr. Cam (24:13.681): There are so many different things we can do to find that thing. Like, my thing right now is painting the adult paint-by-numbers. Have you done those? Oh my gosh, I was doing coloring, and now I'm doing the paint-by-numbers because I'm doing the whole Taylor Swift poster for my daughter. It's so relaxing, and you’ve got something at the end of it to show too. So just finding that thing that lets you calm your brain. Breathing, to me, works amazingly too. I know people roll their eyes at it, but man, there’s nothing easier and faster to calm down with than just deep breaths. Huh? Ali Flynn (24:48.802): Yup. And you can do it anywhere. You can do it anywhere, right? Yeah. But it’s true. It’s finding what brings you some peace, whether it’s doing some yoga moves, breathing, journaling, walking, running, painting, or coloring. It could be anything. Even watching TV for a few minutes in silence, right? By yourself. So it’s really… and again, it’s not about finding large chunks of time away from your kids. Because I know when you’re a younger mom with younger kids, it’s harder because you’re so inundated with your kids. But as your kids become teens like mine, and even in college, I do have some more time to incorporate. And I will tell you, I am a healthier mom now than I was when my kids were younger. Because I was really in that mindset of I have to be so selfless, or I feel guilty leaving them. Or when they’re watching a little TV show, I should sit on the couch and watch with them. Well, no, I don’t need to do that. I could be in the next room maybe doing some exercise, breathing, journaling, or maybe calling a friend or listening to a podcast. So it’s really finding the healthy version of yourself, and it’s different for everyone. Dr. Cam (26:04.241): I think what’s so key here, and you mentioned this, is that when we’re taking care of ourselves, and we’ve got those moments where we’re able to be calm, we’re able to be a little bit happier, our kids are going to love that way more than us being there 24/7 in a bad mood. That’s not… they don’t want us there. Teenagers do not want us there. They actually want their own time too. A lot of parents are so focused on all their kids all the time. I’m like, you know what? Your kids don’t want you overshadowing them all the time. They want independence. So now’s a great time to go find yourself something else to do to distract yourself from being on top of your teen all the time. Ali Flynn (26:46.254): Absolutely. And that’s something I would say my husband and I did as our teens were growing up. When they were having more independent time with their friends or in their rooms, we actually just sort of sat down and said, okay, they’re on FaceTime. They’re going to be on FaceTime for a good hour. Let’s go take a stroll in the neighborhood. They’re going out to dinner with their friends or playing mini-golf, going to a movie, whatever it might be. You know what? Why don’t we have a date night? So, or, you know, if my husband’s not home, I’ll go on a walk by myself or I will catch up with somebody. Because what am I going to do? For a long time, I did this. Right? When it was my eldest, and she was entering the tween years and becoming more independent, I would just sort of wait. I’d wait for her, and I’d wait on the couch. But then I was getting frustrated because I’m waiting and I’m waiting, and I’m like, well, it’s been so many hours. But it would have been much better for me to fulfill those hours of her independence doing something for myself independently. That took some time for me to learn. And that’s why I always want to share with moms, right? Like, you don’t have to sit on the couch and wait. It’s not selfish for you to go do something and then come back and regroup and reconnect with your teen. Dr. Cam (27:53.745): The other thing that we spend a lot of time doing, and again, I speak from my own experience, is we spend an awful lot of our energy and time worrying. A lot of it. And I think there’s this false sense that we’re doing something productive when we’re worrying. We are not. Ali Flynn (28:21.358): We are not. I am that warrior, middle-of-the-night warrior. And that is not productive on many levels. And it never gets me anywhere. Never. And you know what’s so funny? I wrote a writing piece probably two years ago. And it was really about my connection with my oldest daughter, who’s now 21. And it was really about all of those moments and things I worried about that were really nothing to worry about. Because now, where she is now and where we are, it was really more about our relationship and connection with one another. It was one of those reflections of, if I knew then, I wouldn’t have worried about that. Because now I see where we’re at and where we’ve evolved to. And why did I waste so much time perseverating and ruminating at two, three in the morning, losing my sleep? Right? Because then that just causes a rabbit hole for the next day also. So yeah, we really need to let go of some of the worry. And I don’t really know how to, and I don’t know how to advise people to. I think it’s… you know, I think, but I also look at myself and say, I’m a worrier. But I also have friends who worry way more than I do. And I have friends who worry a little bit less than me. But it’s interesting. And I’ll always pose the question to my husband as well: Like, well, are you worried about that? He’s like, no. Dr. Cam (29:51.409): I don’t worry enough sometimes is what I’m worried about because I have given my daughter so much… like, I believe in her so much. I’ve learned to trust her and trust the process. No failure is going to happen, and we’re going to figure it out. But then people will be like, are you not worried about that? I’m like, should I be worried about that? And then I think, well, worrying about it is going to do what? What we’re worrying about, it won’t do anything. Right? Ali Flynn (30:02.764): Right. And that’s where I’m at with my twins, who are my youngest. Because I have four. Now with my twins, they’re seniors. And I feel like, ew, I’m like, wait, should I be worried about that? I’m not worried. Why am I not? And then they have friends who… a lot of my girlfriends’ eldest are my youngest. And they’re worrying up a storm, but they’ll call me to calm them down. It’s like, I don’t know. Like, I think I would have been worried if this was my first, but with wisdom and experience, I’ve realized that with this particular situation, there’s no reason to worry. It’s going to be okay, it will work out. Yes, things could come about and there are failures or whatever happens, but we learn from it and move on. And even now, I see with my third and fourth, I am not even worried about them in the college process. With my first one, my throat was closed. I felt like I could barely breathe. And now I’m like, you’re going to be just fine, right? You’re going to have struggles, that’s normal. You’re going to make mistakes. You’re going to be okay, I’m not worried. Dr. Cam (31:30.577): We’re going to figure this out. And I think, again, we don’t know if everything’s going to be okay. We can’t, but worrying about it isn’t going to change whether or not it’s going to be okay. That doesn’t change it. So instead of doing that, it’s like, if you’re in a good state of mind, and you’re in a healthy spot and you’re taking care of yourself, then whatever comes, you’re able to cope with it and support it, which is a lot more helpful than being so tense and worried that by the time something happens, you don’t have the capacity or bandwidth to deal with it in a rational, reasonable way. So I think right there, it’s like, I get it. Worry is not rational, but it is something that I want people to really reflect on because we’re fooling ourselves thinking we’re being productive and being effective by doing it. Ali Flynn (32:25.518): Not at all. And I think with my first one, my worry put more stress on her. And then my second one, there was less stress on her from my decrease of worrying. And now, my third and fourth, they’re not as stressed about… I don’t want to say about anything, but I think my stress levels are so much lower that it just brings a commonality of being a little bit less anxious in the house. Now, I wish I had one for my oldest son. Dr. Cam (32:55.761): Yeah. What I'm seeing with that too is it's not, I think we also confuse sometimes stress and anxiety with motivation and passion or that push. And what I've seen is when we remove that anxiety and that worry, what shines through is the passion and the motivation, because now they're not burdened with that. So I've seen that with my daughter too, where she turns to me and looks to me, and if I'm believing in her and I'm not anxious, she believes in herself and goes for it, rather than being anxious about what might happen. And I've just seen that over and over again, and it's absolutely incredible. Do I have worries inside? Heck yeah! But that's my worry, not something I put on her. Ali Flynn (33:48.6): Exactly. Yeah. I try to do the same thing as well. And I see the benefits of it. I mean, it is unreal. When we have that belief and we model that you are capable, you are independent, you have this, right? And we keep some of our quiet inner thoughts of worry inside. And I have four daughters. They go for it. Right? They don't hesitate. And they'll ask me, "Mom, what do you think?" I'm like, "Absolutely, right, but don't be impulsive. Think through it, right? Let's go through all the parameters." But absolutely, you could totally do it. And I think it just shines in so many ways. Whether it's when they're in high school or as they get into college. You know, I even have my daughter, who just recently came home from being abroad for five months. And what I saw in her, that growth—I knew she had it, but my gosh! The growth of being away from even her university, from home, traveling to different countries. Did I worry at times that she's traveling to Morocco or Amsterdam, and all these places? Yep, I did, but I zipped it because I knew she had it under control. Dr. Cam (35:06.609): Yeah, it is. My daughter just did her first trip to New York. She's 18, did her first trip to New York City by herself from Virginia. And I, you know, I was like, "I'm watching you. I'm just going to let you know, you're going to be on Life360. I'm going to text you every once in a while, but I just want you to know, this is my fear. I believe you can do it." And she did. She was great. She had a great time. She just had one experience that blossomed her. If I had led into my fear and said, "No, you're not going," or "I'm going to go with you," or any of those, I would have deprived her of this amazing experience. So it's hard. Ali Flynn (35:44.974): Yeah, right. So taking our fears aside as moms and our worries, to let them grow. They need that growth. And if we don't allow that and sort of let them go and experience, it's a disservice to them. We are holding them back. And that was sort of a vow I made to myself as a mom early on: I'm not going to hold my kids back. Right? Even if it's not something I personally would do, if they want to do that, I'm going to listen to them and I'm going to let go and trust that they know. Dr. Cam (36:23.505): I want to circle back because now I'm thinking people are listening to this and starting to feel guilty if they're not doing this. So, right? So I want to circle back to this. This is not meaning that if you have been afraid or holding back or doing any of these things, or continue to do that, that is a reason to feel guilty. It's a reason to be reflective and just say, is this where I want to continue going? That's it. Ali Flynn (36:51.798): Be reflective and think to yourself, how can I move forward and evolve with my teen in the stage that they are in? And what do I have to do to allow that to happen? Dr. Cam (37:04.817): That's big. It does, which takes some time, which is great because that takes away time from us worrying about our kid. Ali Flynn (37:06.414): Use that time to reflect, maybe when you're doing some deep breathing or you're taking that walk, because you can't have this reflective time as you're rushing to get dinner on the table or you're driving carpool to and from places. Right? You just need a little quiet time and you will figure it out. And if you talk with other moms and you gain some advice as to how to do that, then more beautiful of a situation, right? You've been transparent, you've been honest, you're probably meeting up with another mom who's struggling with it too, and you can move forward together and support each other. Dr. Cam (37:54.225): I love that. All right, Allie, what is one big thing you want parents to step away with from this interview? Ali Flynn (38:02.926): I really want moms to just know they are not alone. Right? When you are in sort of the trenches of motherhood, and especially those teen years, which can be really ugly at times and brutal, you are not alone. Everybody else is going through it as well, even if they are not showing it or saying it. Dr. Cam (38:24.657): 100%. And Ali, how can people find you? Ali Flynn (38:28.334): You can find me on my website, Hang in There Mama, Instagram, Facebook, lots of places. Dr. Cam (38:35.141): All the places, and we will put those links in the show notes for sure. Ali, thank you so much for joining us and giving us so much encouragement. I appreciate it. Ali Flynn (38:44.43): Thank you for having me. It's such an honor.
ABOUT THE SHOW The Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Podcast is your go-to resource for navigating the challenges of raising teenagers. Hosted by Dr. Cam Caswell, an adolescent psychologist and certified parenting coach, this podcast offers practical parenting strategies, expert advice, and real-world insights to help you build a stronger relationship with your teen and support their emotional growth. Whether you’re struggling with teenage behavior or looking to improve communication, each episode provides actionable tips to make parenting teens easier and more rewarding. Perfect for both new and seasoned parents, this podcast helps you build the confidence to handle teen challenges and thrive together. #parentingteens #selfcareforparents #drcamcaswell #theteentranslator | |||
| 18 Mar 2025 | Navigating the IEP Maze: How to Advocate for Your Teen & Overcome School System Barriers | 00:30:21 | |
Is your teen struggling in school, but you’re hitting roadblocks trying to get them the support they need? The IEP (Individualized Education Program) process can be overwhelming—especially for minority parents facing additional challenges. In this episode, I sit down with Maria Davis-Pierre, a licensed mental health counselor, autism advocate, and founder of Autism in Black. Maria shares her personal journey navigating the special education system for her neurodivergent children and exposes the hidden biases that often prevent Black and minority children from getting the right diagnosis and accommodations. She also provides practical strategies for parents to advocate effectively, empower their teens, and navigate the IEP process with confidence.
WHAT YOU'LL LEARN IN THIS EPISODE
5 KEY TAKEAWAYS FOR PARENTS OF TEENS
🎧❤️ ENJOYING THE SHOW? Don’t keep it to yourself! Share your favorite episode and leave a rating and review to help other parents find the support they need. Your feedback helps me create even more episodes filled with practical tips for you and your family! Thanks so much for your support! 🙏💫 🔔 Remember to hit SUBSCRIBE so you never miss another solution-packed episode! 🙌
CONNECT WITH OUR GUEST: Maria Davis-Pierre
CONNECT WITH YOUR HOST: Dr. Cam Caswell
ABOUT THE SHOW The Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Podcast is your go-to resource for navigating the challenges of raising teenagers. Hosted by Dr. Cam Caswell, an adolescent psychologist and certified parenting coach, this podcast offers practical parenting strategies, expert advice, and real-world insights to help you build a stronger relationship with your teen and support their emotional growth. Whether you’re struggling with teenage behavior or looking to improve communication, each episode provides actionable tips to make parenting teens easier and more rewarding.
✅ Follow for expert guidance on parenting teens
EPISODE CHAPTERS 00:00 Navigating the IEP Process: A Personal Journey 02:49 Cultural Responsivity in Autism Support 05:52 Advocacy: The Unique Challenges for Minority Parents 09:04 Understanding the Special Education Process 12:00 Identifying Signs of Learning Difficulties in Teens 14:58 Overcoming Stigma: Supporting Teens with IEPs 17:52 Empowering Teens to Advocate for Themselves 20:54 Leveraging Interests for Learning 23:52 Finding Support and Resources 26:53 The Importance of Grace in Parenting
FULL TRANSCRIPT Dr. Cam (00:00) As a mom who's been through the school IEP process dozens of times at least, I can tell you it's quite overwhelming. Whether it's figuring out the process, understanding what support is available, or just trying to advocate for your teen or help them advocate for themselves, it's a lot. That's why I'm so excited for today's episode. I'm joined by Maria Davis-Pierre, a licensed mental health counselor, autism advocate, and the founder of Autism in Black. Her work has been featured in Forbes, USA Today, PBS and more. Today she's gonna do, give us the insight we need to navigate IEPs with confidence. Welcome Maria.
Maria Davis-Pierre, LMHC (00:39) Thank you for having me. I'm so excited.
Dr. Cam (00:42) Me too. So especially as someone that's been through this process a lot, I know that is so challenging. But let's first start with you. Tell us a little bit about you and how you got into just autism and black, especially.
Maria Davis-Pierre, LMHC (00:57) Sure. So our story starts with our oldest child, Malia, who is now 12, almost 13, my goodness. And it started when she was about 10 months. I started to see the signs of characteristics of autism in her. And I knew with my experience as a licensed therapist, I was like, we need to get you know, in front of this and my husband who is a internal medicine physician, first he was like, you know, keep that over there with your patients. Don't come over here and diagnose my kid. But we started the process, went to our pediatrician, went to early steps program, which you know, every state has just might not be called early steps. And then eventually went to the pediatric neurologist trying to get this diagnosis for her.
And it ended up with me actually boycotting in the pediatric neurologist office for a week because everybody was agreeing she was autistic, but nobody wanted to give her the official diagnosis because she was young. But we're all agreeing, we know it, we can't get certain services through insurance without this official diagnosis. And now you're saying wait a year and a half when we know she's still gonna be autistic. So boycotted in his office, he gave me the paperwork after a week of seeing him from the he came in to the time he left. And then, you know, started the service process. My colleagues start coming into our house and not understanding cultural responsivity, not understanding that you need to incorporate your client's culture into the work that you do. So it was, they were making it seem like we were resistant when in fact, they just weren't using interventions that were culturally responsive. And in talking to other individuals, we found that this was a norm, that we weren't the only ones experiencing this. So that's how we initially started Autism in Black. And now here we are, many years later with our podcast, our conference, our webinars and trainings. Now I have twins as well. have twins who are also neurodivergent and I got my own diagnosis.
Dr. Cam (02:49) It's a family affair that you have turned into helping everyone else, which I love so much that you take your own story and your own pain and frustration and you help other people with it. And I know, I mean, I just talked to so many people that are so frustrated, not only with the system, but just as you were saying, the diagnoses and knowing what to do and finding people that they relate to and understand. I'm curious too, let's just dig in a little bit. Like what do you see as some of the differences that we may not know? Because I know there's a lot of microaggressions, there's a lot of little things that people are just not aware of that people should be aware of.
Maria Davis-Pierre, LMHC (03:52) One, when it comes to Black children in the school system, we are often not categorized as we should be, and we are deemed then a behavioral problem. So we are not even getting to the point to where we can get IUPs and 504s because it's not being seen as this child has a disability. It's more this child has behavior problems, they're bad, they're a bad seed type of thing biases that get in the way of thinking that black people can have disabilities, know, these children have disabilities that need supports in the school system. So that's one of the major factors as we see is that getting to the point to where we have the, can get the supports is a struggle.
Dr. Cam (04:46) Yeah, I think this is such a big thing and I see this across many different cultures, right, where we just, we look at the behavior and we're very quick to make an assumption that there's something behavioral really destructive about them and not that there's a learning need, right, or not that there's neurodivergence and the system's not working for them. I mean, again, I've been through this with my daughter too and it's hard as a parent because you're like, is this just behavior that I should be dealing with or is this something different that they need support that they need? So when you're in that line, even as a parent, you're going, I'm not sure either. How do you know or how do you move forward with just that uncertainty?
Maria Davis-Pierre, LMHC (05:16) One, we have to advocate differently than the typical parent who isn't a minority, have to advocate completely different. That means we have to go above and beyond. Like me sitting in that office for a week, you know, to get the paperwork, you know, us constantly staying on the schools, making sure that, you're going through this process, reading the actual paperwork and looking for any of those kind of adjectives that describe our children in a manner that can then hurt them down the line, right? So we have to make sure that we are going above and beyond every step. For any parent in general dealing with special education process, you're advocating in a different manner. You're having to go in there. You add in intersectionality and it just makes that process much, harder. It makes the advocating much, much harder because oftentimes we're not understanding if it's racism or ableism that we're dealing with because they're so intertwined with us. So having to tease that back and know what point we're advocating from is also something that, you know, is a difficult process.
Dr. Cam (06:49) So you're sitting there going, I'm not an expert, so I don't even know if they have a diagnosis, let alone what they need for it. But I'm also going up a system that's making it really hard for me to even figure that out. And even if I do have it, I'm still needing resistance. I mean, parents are just exhausted as it is, so they're like, probably a many give up their children struggle and the whole time through school. And then again, the schools often, I mean, it just becomes a cycle, right? So now this child is seen as misbehaving and they're treated as misbehaving. It's just this whole huge thing, self-esteem plummets. So we don't want this to happen. So what is the first step that we need to do when we're at that stage of, I think something needs to be done?
Maria Davis-Pierre, LMHC (07:28) That's what it is. I'm a big advocate for getting the medical diagnosis.
Dr. Cam (07:48) Where do I go first?
Maria Davis-Pierre, LMHC (07:57) I think, you know, that can sometimes be an easier route because we can take that into the school and, you know, start that leverage from there. But I know that there so many costs associated and also the wait times and, you know, there's so much that we're going through when we're thinking about that medical diagnosis. So if that is not a route that you were able to do prior to starting with the school, then go the route we're supposed to with, hey, something's wrong. Hey, let me speak to the sped-ed director. That's what we call them here in Florida. Sometimes they're case managers in other states. Speaking with that person, starting the process, getting everything in writing. You're going to have to go over and over and over again sometimes. Sometimes you might have to go through the tiered system of how they go through the process to make sure your child needs the support. But whatever the way is for that school, that district, that county, start there and then continue it. Sometimes our children are categorized in that EBD category and not in the category that they should be and then you have to start your fight from that way. So you have to figure out first how do I first get them to understand that my child needs these supports and then see where they're going to go with the category and then that will change your trajectory of how you're going to advocate.
Dr. Cam (09:04) We have to do a lot of pre-education before we even go in there because we need to know what to expect, what is our rights, what is available, and what the process is. So before we even start the process, we've got to research and understand the process. Now, what are some things that you recommend parents make sure they educate themselves on and be aware about, especially if they're concerned about microaggressions.
Maria Davis-Pierre, LMHC (09:52) Mm-hmm one is IDEA I mean that's really kind of going to be your leverage for everything what I think is a disadvantage to everyone is the fact that Schools don't really know IDEA they have the culture of what's in the school that they go by but a lot of times It's not what's in the actual IDEA policies and the guidance and then when it comes to the black community, we're not even given the information of how the process works or should I get my child supports? Is this going to hinder my child? So there's so much that we don't know that that pre-education doesn't happen for us. It's after the fact of my child, the school has said my child has been identified or I'm thinking your child can be identified. So it's really kind of a disadvantage for our community because oftentimes we don't do the pre-education first because we don't know we should do the pre-education first, right? If you do have the opportunity, one, you are in a good place because now you know I can protect myself. Now I know that there is a set of laws that can guide how this process works. And in IDEA, parent is said more than any other team member. So that just shows how much of a pivotal point you are in the process. So making sure you know what is the rights for you, making sure you know what the rights is for your child, getting it in writing and constantly letting the school know, I know my rights. I know the rights for my child because that can make it easier for you.
Dr. Cam (11:31) Now, when we're working with teenagers, there's a whole new many levels of complicated things that complicate the process. Because now we have the teens, when they're little, it's like, okay, this is what we need. This is what we need for our kid. And we're speaking for our kid. Now that we have a teenager, the first thing is we see that our teen is struggling in school and we don't know why. And a lot of times our assumption again is they're not making an effort. They don't care. They're being defunct. We put a lot of those labels on them first. Parents do, teachers do, right? Rather than going, what's going on? So let's first look at what are some signs that maybe we can look for? And I don't know if this is the right question for you, but what are some signs we can look for maybe that says, you know what, maybe we need to look if there's some learning difficulty here that's getting in their way.
Maria Davis-Pierre, LMHC (12:31) No, I think that's the perfect question, especially from a mental health standpoint, because one of the biggest signs is change in behavior. If your child is having what is considered a sudden change in behavior, they are struggling when they weren't struggling before, right? Because middle school and up is a different ballgame for children. is, middle school is one of the hardest transitions for children because they're going from elementary where they're handheld through everything and then pushed into middle school and now you are independent. Okay, you do it type of thing, right? So that would be a big turning point for a lot of parents because then they see there's something going on here, right? My child has to be taking the lead on making sure they're getting their stuff done, right? They're the ones who have to make sure that they're transitioning from period to period just fine, right? You know, so we'll start to see a lot of those signs and then you're like, well, what's going on here? And at first, like you said, it can be, why are you not getting it done? What's really going on here? Why, you know, because teens, I'm on my phone, I'm on social media, I'm everything, right? So it's oftentimes like you just don't want to do it. But, you know, those sudden changes are also behavior as a form of communication. So also go beneath that iceberg of the tip of what you're seeing and discover is there something more there because that behavior is going to be the first red flag for you.
Dr. Cam (14:00) I can't stress that and underscore that enough with a lot of the teens I'm working for. They're getting in trouble all the time. It's blamed on the phone and they're struggling just to focus or just to like understand. And so it doesn't help when there's more punishment and criticism and everything else. So it's stopping and going, okay, they're struggling. Let's figure this out. Now let's get to the next step, the stigma. I live in a very well-educated, high, you know, esteem place where, my gosh, everyone wants to be all straight AAP students and to say, my child actually needs extra support and an IEP. A lot of people have trouble with that and a lot of teens have trouble with that. So how do we overcome the stigma to get the help we need?
Maria Davis-Pierre, LMHC (14:39) One, very good question. And it's so difficult because when your teen is, you know, at that age, everything can be kind of embarrassing for them. And they're like, this is shame. I don't want people to think that I'm different. I don't want to be different, right? When we're adults, we understand that that was a moment in time. But for teens, it's like everything at that moment, right? I don't want to be different. I don't want this spotlight on me. I don't want people to see that I need accommodations and modifications.
And that can be a difficult thing because as a parent you're over here something needs to be done. I want to advocate. I want to do this. But when your teen is like, please mom don't don't right? It's not anything for you to be concerned about. I'm going to get it together. And they are taking on all of that added stress and pressures because middle school and above is so much pressure for these kids that it is to I'm like you're stressing these children out, right? So my thing is therapy can also help in that aspect of understanding that, hey, there's nothing wrong with me getting some support. There's nothing wrong with me getting accommodations that then can, one, take stress off of me, two, help me be on equal playing field with my peers. So it's one about changing that mindset for you and your child, and then going from there.
Dr. Cam (16:22) There's this belief that we're either smart or not smart. And if we can't do it, we're not smart. But if you think about it, if you went to learn a new sport, of course, you're going to get a coach to help you do better. Of course, you're going to look at where your strengths are and where your weaknesses are. But in education, for some reason, we think if we can't figure it out on our own, that just means we're dumb or it's embarrassing to need somebody. So I think it is getting through that. Now we've got the parents are on board and I know parents struggle with it too, because they don't sometimes want to admit, my child's not this straight A getting everything student, my child needs help. But now we're getting to the point where we see what is available and our teen is really, really resistant. Because of mostly because of what you just said. How can parents address that resistance in a way that doesn't create more arguments and frustration? Because I see that a lot too.
Maria Davis-Pierre, LMHC (17:23) One is open communication with your child. I think finding out an equal balance of where they can get the accommodations, but if they can be where it's not such a big spotlight, right? Where they can like, for instance, my daughter has a thing where she can have a certain signal that the teacher knows that she needs help. So the teacher doesn't have to come over and be like, do you need help with this? Do we need to do this A, B, and C? But she can give a signal to where then they know she needs help, right? So we're some of these things to where they're getting the assistance, but it's not such a big spotlight on that. And the team can feel secure in knowing that I know that when I need certain things that this is what I can do. And nobody has to know my business because a lot of times that's what it is because we know bullying happens. We know teasing happens, right? And we don't want to feel like that outsider. So having that communication with your team, asking them what they need, because sometimes parents go into school and they're advocating, not knowing that that is not something that their team is going to work with, that that accommodation is not going to be something that they feel OK with. It doesn't work for them. So having that communication and involving them makes it a lot easier because now they feel like they've had input in their life, which they should.
Dr. Cam (18:46) That is so key and so important. Your teen has to be involved. End of story. If we're doing this behind their back, just what you said, we don't necessarily know what they need and they feel like even less in control. I've always told people, my daughter's had an IEP before she could barely talk because she had speech difficulties. We've been in the system from the get-go. But she has been in our meetings advocating herself since she could talk. Like she was always there and now she does all of it. And I just go, do you want me there for support? I'm not going to say anything because you've got this. And she's so great at advocating for herself now. And it feels so empowered about it, but she's done it. So it's about her, not about what I need for her. It's about what she needs for her. And I think the other thing is normalizing it. That was another big thing that's always been a part of our conversations. It's not that she's dumb. It's not that she's struggling. It's that she needs different ways to learn that the school doesn't necessarily provide to everyone. So now she has these. So it's become empowering to her to be able to ask for these and have it, which is amazing.But I don't see that a lot. see a lot of kids feel like this is a sign of weakness.
Maria Davis-Pierre, LMHC (20:14) Because in this, like you said, because it's not normalized, or it's normalized in our homes because it is normal for us, but in other homes to where the child doesn't have a disability, it's not normalized, right? So they don't understand that people are different, and then that makes it more difficult because, yes, in my house, this is normalized, but when I leave my house and others are talking about me, I'm seeing that, okay. This is not, they don't understand that it's not normal, right? They don't understand that what their experience is, is not the norm, right? So they're thinking to me that I'm the different one, right? No. That's where it comes to everybody really getting that education. There's when it comes to really understanding that schools should have accommodations weaved in to the system so that students, especially when it comes to students who don't get identified, and it can make it easier. It makes the whole school system easier for everybody, for the teachers, for the admins, for the students, because there are so many students who are not identified, especially as we're getting older because they're looking at more behavioral issues. So the conversations have to just go more than outside of homes where we're dealing with it. They need to be in homes where they're not dealing with it, where that is not their norm, you know. So it comes with that as well. I love that your daughter advocates for herself to their mom's a therapist right so they advocate in completely different ways because their parents have taught them completely different the way that my children advocate people know that their mom is a therapist that is just no like
Dr. Cam (21:46) So is mine.
Maria Davis-Pierre, LMHC (22:02) Your mom must be in this work. Yes, because of how they advocate, because of how I raise them. That's not the norm. The way that my children and your child is not the norm, but because their parents are in the field, it's the norm for them. So that's where the conversations have to go beyond these households.
Dr. Cam (22:07) I want this conversation because I want everyone else to know, listen, this is extraordinarily empowering when your child has control and ability to advocate for themselves. And we've normalized the fact that there are going to be places that you're going to struggle. Everyone does. And I think this, we struggle in all kinds of different things in the world for some reason, because everyone has to go to school and everyone is compared to everyone at the exact same time based on age, that really magnifies differences and they're stuck in this place. So the comparisons are really huge when in everything else, the differences are just as vast, but we're not in a microcosm, right? We're not in this little Petri dish looking at every single person. So the people that particularly struggle in that one area, Let's be real, it's one area of type of learning. Get stigmatized, right? And looked at, right? So the other thing, and I want to ask you how you do this too, is we focus on this is one way that you learn and that's not the best way that you learn. So we're going to find all the other ways that you are super strong in and all your other strengths that may not show up in school, but we're going to really magnify those in the rest of your life. And that builds her confidence.
Tell me about how you do that with your kids, because I know you do.
Maria Davis-Pierre, LMHC (23:52) We do that by their interest really. So for example, my preteen almost teenager loves culinary. She wants to be a chef. She's in the culinary program at her middle school. That's she chose that middle school based on them having that culinary program. That's her thing. And we utilize her love for culinary to help with other things because when you're doing a recipe, there's math, there's reading, there's all of that. So when we're able to weave it into her interest, she can then apply it in other areas, right? Of course, she's dealing with fractions. She's dealing with having to be able to comprehend the recipe to know this comes first, this comes second, this comes third. So when you take it with their interest and weave it into there, it makes it fun for them, because they're like, I'm doing my interest, but they're also learning and you're getting both of the good things happening at once. So weaving it in with their interest, I find has been very easy for me to get the learning in, but also making sure that they're not bored, they're not tired, they're not feeling like I can't get this type of thing because they're invested in their interest.
Dr. Cam (25:06) It's amazing that they will do things that they struggle with in school without any problem at all. Because my daughter is all theater, right? So she has to do reading comprehension in school and struggles with it, but she will go read an article and give me every little detail and memorize everything about it when it's about theater. She knows like the price, the cost. I don't even understand it all. Like she just knows everything about it. And I'm like, how'd you know that? Well, I read that whole thing, but you can't read this paragraph and say, no, that's boring.
It has nothing to do with comprehension, it has to do with that's boring.
Maria Davis-Pierre, LMHC (25:40) Preferred, fast-spirited. And I'll tell you, I am a 41-year-old who is autistic and has ADHD. I have non-preferred and preferred things, and I will avoid something that I don't like to do, but something that I am heavily invested in. I will know every single, it will be done on time, get it in, anything else. The executive functioning skills start, and I have to learn, okay, I need to implement my coping skills, have to implement my accommodations, right? And for children who don't have fully formed brains, who don't have the emotional regulation of adults, we can't hold them to higher standards of, you gotta get this done. They don't want to, because it's not fun.
Dr. Cam (26:23) Thank you for saying that, the higher standards, because I do, again, see this a lot where we lose our crap, but get upset when our kids do. And our kids have less ability to regulate their emotions than we do. We get upset when our kids don't get everything done right when we want them to get it done. But I mean, I've been tripping over my Christmas tree in the foyer for months now, because I don't feel like putting it away. If that had been my daughter's, I would have been really annoyed with her forever and ever because she hasn't put it away yet. So I think we do have to look at what standards are we setting for our kids and what priorities, right? Like our priorities are different from theirs. So when they're struggling at school and when they're struggling at different things, we need to take all this into account, right? They're doing their best. They really, really are.
Maria Davis-Pierre, LMHC (27:16) They really are. Exactly. And weave those things into their IEPs. My son, he likes to stand to do his work. It's in his IEP that he can stand and do. If he's not bothering anybody, don't bother him, right? He has a spin disc. The things that he needs, weave it in there because then it makes it easier for them to be able to learn.
If they're constantly not regulated, not feeling comfortable, then they're not going to do it. But if you're weaving in those things that are going to help them, that they enjoy, it makes it easier for everybody involved.
Dr. Cam (28:02) Yeah, and that's just in real life, you can do that. So it's just advocating so they can do that in school where they're learning how to do it. So Maria, tell us how can people find you, especially if they need to learn from you because you're going to help them navigate this, which is very complicated.
Maria Davis-Pierre, LMHC (28:06) Yes, it is. Listen, it's complicated thing, but we try to make it enjoyable over here at Autism in Black. So you could go to our website, autisminblack.org, and it has everything. has how you can work with me, how you can get access to our conferences, podcasts, all of our social media handles. It has everything there. You just go to autisminblack.org and you can connect with me.
Dr. Cam (28:48) I love it. Thank you so much. And what is one key takeaway that out of all this, which was a lot, what do you really want parents to remember from this?
Maria Davis-Pierre, LMHC (28:55) One is grace. Give yourself grace and give your kids grace. I think oftentimes society places these expectations that we feel we have to live by and it makes it so hard for us and our kids. And understanding that grace will help. I think it makes it less stressful for you and them.
Dr. Cam (29:03) It's so important. It really is. We have a lot of shoulds that we live by and the shoulds need to be trashed because they they're pile on. So yeah, I love that. So give ourselves grace. Thank you, Maria, for joining us. We really appreciate it.
Maria Davis-Pierre, LMHC (29:25) This was fun. Thank you for having me.
#theteentranslator #drcamcaswell #parentingteenswithdrcam #IEPadvocacy #specialeducation | |||
| 21 Feb 2024 | Launching Teens into Adulthood Successfully with Kim Muench | 00:36:06 | |
As parents, we strive to equip our teens with the skills they need to thrive independently. But many of us worry that they won't learn to make wise decisions, regulate their emotions, or reach the necessary maturity needed to survive in the wild on their own. Fortunately, we have Kim Muench, a certified Conscious Parenting Coach and founder of Real Life Parent Guide here to help us. Kim specializes in working with parents of emerging adults (ages 18-25). Kim is the author of Becoming Me While Raising You – a Mother’s Journey to Her Self. She is also a sought after speaker on topics related to conscious parenting. In this episode, Kim shares her wisdom on nurturing independence and resilience in our teens, paving the way for a successful launch into adulthood. Thanks for Listening! If you enjoyed this episode and think others would appreciate it too, please review on iTunes. Subscribe to the Podcast Want to be alerted when a new episode drops? Follow on iTunes, YouTube, Google, Spotify. | |||
| 02 Jul 2024 | The Balancing Act: Nurturing Teens While Letting Go with Esther Joy Goetz | 00:34:11 | |
Parenting teens is a tricky balancing act—nurturing your child while letting them go. Every parent hopes their teen grows into a confident, capable adult who makes good choices and chases their dreams. But there's always the fear of them making big mistakes or getting hurt along the way. Esther Joy Goetz, author, speaker, and the force behind the popular Moms of Bigs social media community, is here to help us navigate this challenge. Esther's insights will empower you to find that balance between nurturing and letting go, while focusing on long-term, healthy relationships with your teens. She’ll also share what inspired her to create the Moms of Bigs community—a lifeline for moms of teens and young adults who are facing similar struggles.
WHAT YOU'LL LEARN IN THIS EPISODE • How to create a safe space that allows your teen to explore their individuality • Why healthy boundaries are key to building trust and respect • How to balance nurturing with letting go while maintaining a strong connection • Tips for connecting with your teen without expectations or pressure
5 KEY TAKEAWAYS FOR PARENTS OF TEENS
🎧❤️ ENJOYING THE SHOW? Don’t keep it to yourself! Share your favorite episode and leave a rating and review to help other parents find the support they need. Your feedback helps me create even more episodes filled with practical tips for you and your family! Thanks so much for your support! 🙏💫 🔔 Remember to hit Follow so you never miss another solution-packed episode! 🙌
RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE
EPISODE CHAPTERS:
CONNECT WITH OUR GUEST: Esther Joy Goetz
CONNECT WITH YOUR HOST: Dr. Cam Caswell
FULL TRANSCRIPT Dr. Cam (00:01.297) Hello parents, Dr. Cam here. As parents, we hope our kids grow up confident and capable. We want them to make good choices and chase their dreams, but we’re also worried they’ll make big mistakes or even get hurt. That’s why I’m so excited to have Esther Joy Goetz here today. Esther is an author, speaker, and the force behind the popular Moms of Bigs social media community. She’s here to help us find that balance between nurturing our teens and letting them go. Esther, welcome to the show. Esther Joy Goetz (00:32.526) Thank you. I’m so excited to be here. And just when you said that, I thought, hmm, that’s the tricky tightrope of parenting teens. Dr. Cam (00:42.353) It really, really is. Let’s start with a quick backstory. What inspired you to launch Moms of Bigs? Esther Joy Goetz (00:52.942) Well, my daughter said to me, “Mom, you need to...” She’s so funny; she thinks that I have some wisdom. What really happened was, when she graduated high school, she said, “Mom, there are so many people out there that really don’t know how to do the mom gig well, especially moms of teens.” How can they know? I thought, well, I don’t know if I’m the answer to that, but I had two older friends who guided me along and continue to guide me. I realized there was nothing out there on social media for this stage—nothing. I couldn’t find a thing. I thought, “Why don’t I give out what I actually need?” A lot of times, our passion is born from what we needed. There’s plenty of advice on breastfeeding and how to handle toddlers, but once they hit the teen years, it’s sparse. Or it feels very formulaic—“Do these three things, and you’ll have a magic relationship with your teen.” I was like, “Yeah, I know.” I felt like my teens were some of my greatest teachers, and that’s the posture I wanted to take. Plus, all the mom emotions. You mentioned the big one—fear. No one was really talking about what to do with those emotions in the meantime. That’s really where I focused—on those motherhood emotions. Dr. Cam (03:03.665) I think that’s so important. I was finding the same thing. When parents are new, it feels comfortable to ask for advice. You go to a baby shower and people offer advice. But once you have teens, you feel like you should know, but it’s a whole new skill set. Plus, a whole new emotional package we don’t even know how to deal with. Fear and worry, I think, are two of the biggest ones. Is that what you’re seeing as well? Guilt—my goodness. Esther Joy Goetz (03:41.07) Guilt, fear, worry—and I think grief and sadness. Those are the three uncomfortable emotions. We have more comfortable ones too, like joy—watching them become their own people, having exciting conversations, and celebrating things like their sports achievements or academic success. But the uncomfortable emotions, like the letting-go process and anticipatory grief, come into play a lot. And I think with fear, it’s the loss of control. When they’re young, you think you can control them. But once they hit the teen years, the illusion of control disappears. You’re left with fear and worry. Dr. Cam (04:49.521) Yeah, I see this now with parents, especially with technology—GPS, tracking apps, all these things. Parents send their kids off to high school or college, but they’re still micromanaging, tracking everything. It’s all driven by fear and worry. How do we make sure our kids have the freedom they need? Because I think that’s where the biggest conflict comes from—parents holding on too tight. How do we navigate the balance between keeping them safe and giving them the freedom to experience life? Esther Joy Goetz (05:34.798) The good news is we don’t have to give blanket freedom immediately. We’ve been giving them little bits of freedom all along. When you experience that pushback, there needs to be a conversation with your child. Communication is key during the teenage years. They need to be part of the conversation, and they have a massive voice in their own life. My tagline is giving our kids the roots of unconditional love and the wings of freedom to be completely themselves. And the safety aspect—it’s something we have to come to grips with. Can we keep them “safe”? What does that even mean? You can keep them physically safe, but they could still be emotionally crippled. If we focus only on physical safety, we emotionally stunt them. My kids have told me this: “You’re emotionally stunting me. I can’t even make a mistake or figure out what I like or don’t like.” There are different kinds of safety we’re talking about here. My job is to be a safe space for them. Dr. Cam (07:23.825) What does that mean? Esther Joy Goetz (07:26.158) My job as a mom is to create a safe space. That means I create a physically safe home—no abuse, no bullying, no judgment. There’s empathy. It’s a place of unconditional love, no strings attached. That’s the “roots of unconditional love.” If I’m a safe space, I’m creating a soft place for them to land. But there’s also that idea I love where it says, “Ships are not made to stay in the harbor. Ships are made to go out—sometimes into beautiful waters, sometimes into treacherous ones. But the design of the ship is to manage all of that. They’re not designed to stay safe in the harbor.”
Dr. Cam (08:35.505) Right. They wouldn't have much of a life if their job is to make sure we feel that they're safe. If their job is to protect us from our fear and worry, that stunts them. I see that a lot without parents realizing it. The kids push back really hard, and parents see that as disrespect when, in truth, the parents aren't really respecting the kids' individuality. That's a tough one. Esther Joy Goetz (09:05.838) You said something key there: we are responsible for our own emotions. They are not responsible for ours. One of the interesting things that happened with my son, a senior, was that he didn’t want a curfew. I said to him, "Look, I'm afraid when you're out past midnight. I own that—you're not responsible for that, but I have to get up and go to work." Part of living here means this is going to be a conversation we have back and forth. It's about respecting me and the stage I’m in—I'm not there yet. I haven’t fully let go and allowed you to just run around the world. I want you to know the emotions I'm experiencing—you're not responsible for those, but I'm dealing with them myself, in fits and starts. For now, when you're in high school, we’d like you to come home by midnight. If there are any issues surrounding that, just communicate with us the same way I would if I wasn’t going to show up when I said I would. So we navigated my emotions and their freedom at the same time, but I never said, “You are responsible for me not being afraid." Dr. Cam (10:28.593) Yeah, and I don't think we even say it. I think we just assume it or do it. We make decisions and choices without realizing it, to protect our own fear, not thinking about the bigger picture and how that impacts our kids. Now, there are two extremes I see a lot. There are people who say, "Are we just supposed to let them do whatever they want?" Esther Joy Goetz (10:29.294) Never. Dr. Cam (10:55.825) And not guide them at all? Then I hear others say, “We’re being too soft on our kids, and that’s the problem with kids today.” I hear that all the time. So, when people say, “Do we just let them do whatever they want?” What do you have to say to that? Esther Joy Goetz (11:16.462) We had a conversation about boundaries, healthy boundaries in the house. There were things related to chores, finances, and respecting the fact that I have emotions, but respect goes both ways. I respect the pushback. The most fun experience I had was with my daughter, my oldest. She is super compliant—she came out wanting to please us. That’s just who she was. She didn’t do much of the pushback. She’s naturally empathetic—always asking, "How’s mommy feeling?" I remember her coming to me her senior year and saying, "Hey, our entire senior class is going to midnight movies, and I’m going to go, no matter what you say." I literally thought, “Come over here and high-five me right now!” I was so happy that she was doing the normal pushback. So, you’re going to have all kinds of kids. Some will push back on everything you say, and it’s exhausting. Others will naturally want to please you. Then there’s everything in between. These constant conversations about what they really need versus what you need are important. We’re all allowed to have needs in a home. No, letting them do whatever they want is not healthy. Healthy boundaries are where I can love you and myself simultaneously. You don’t just get to be a slob and leave dishes everywhere in the common area. But guess what? I’ll never come into your room. We have common space that everyone must respect. But your room, or section of the room—if you share with a sibling—is your responsibility. We had two boys who shared a room, and they had their own sections they couldn’t invade. It's not about all-or-nothing thinking. That’s devastating for parenting teens. Dr. Cam (13:29.809) Yeah, it definitely gets that pushback. Then there are people who say, “This is what's wrong with kids today. Parents are too open to listening to them, giving them a voice. We need to be parents and just tell them what it is.” I see a lot of pushback on social media, particularly from parents who believe that parents need to be more authoritative. They think that’s why kids are the way they are today. Esther Joy Goetz (13:59.022) And friends less, I hear that too. Again, it goes back to all-or-nothing thinking. It’s either this or that. I would say one of the most important attributes we need is wisdom. It’s not going to be all this or all that, and it’s not going to be the same for every kid. There has to be some of both. I always say the “both-and” is much more important than the “either-or.” We can have guidance and freedom. I can give unconditional love, with no strings attached, and I can also give them the wings of freedom. Freedom means no control. You can't have love and control. If you're trying to regulate your own fear, there’s a little voice inside saying, “Listen, you’re trying to regulate yourself by controlling them.” That’s different from, “Hey, this is a common space, and I’m not okay with this. I live here too, and the dishes can’t be left everywhere. I’m not cleaning up after you. You take care of your stuff, and I’ll never be on your back.” But I also have to take care of myself and my stuff. I don't just get to go into your room and throw my things around. I wouldn’t throw my stuff in your head either. Dr. Cam (15:38.513) I like that. Go a little deeper into what you mean by that. Esther Joy Goetz (15:43.79) Yeah. There’s a sacred space, and kids are going through something Carl Jung calls "individuation." They’re trying to become themselves. We’re there to be ourselves, too. We can share our individuated selves, our healed selves, our whole selves with them. This is the ideal, of course. That means we get to share our hopes, our dreams, and our interests. Maybe they’ll try on some of our hats and say, "Wow, I really like the Pittsburgh Steelers, because Dad shared his love for the Steelers." Or, "I like how Mom keeps everything organized. I want to do that in my room." But we don’t belong in their heads, telling them who to be, what to love, or who to love. That’s not ours to own. Their minds and hearts are theirs to figure out. It doesn’t mean I can’t try on some of their hats, too. They’ve taught me so much. I never knew I loved a certain band, and then they showed it to me, and I thought, “Wow, this is great!” But they didn’t force me to listen to it all day long in the car. It’s about permission to explore together. I just love that. Dr. Cam (17:18.097) Yeah, I think it’s so important. It’s very hard for parents to know where those boundaries are. I see a lot of overstepping into our teens’ boundaries, which is where the pushback, disrespect, and even dislike often come from. They feel violated when we try to change how they think and what they believe. It’s tough to separate what we’re doing to guide them as their parent—teaching them good manners, ethics, morals, and making good choices—and where it becomes overbearing, when we’re telling them what to do. How do we know when we’re stepping over that boundary? Esther Joy Goetz (18:10.03) Right, and we are. Yeah, the whole “should” word. I think we all have pushback against the word “should,” right? Our generation especially. We had that major pushback against the “shoulds.” It was like a stranglehold on us. We don’t want to raise our kids in a way where they have to heal from the “shoulds.” We want to provide an environment where the “shoulds” are off the table. There are certain moral ethics we abide by, of course—things like kindness, compassion, and justice. But I would say that happens by modeling. You want your kids to learn how to be respectful? Respect them. A couple of Christmases ago, or maybe it was New Year’s Day, we asked our kids, “What do you think our three major takeaways were for you guys?” Believe it or not, they all had different answers based on their personal relationships with us, but all four of them said “respect.” We asked, “Why respect?” And they said, “Because from the time we were taught, all the way through, even as teens, you always respected us.” We didn’t even realize we were doing it. They felt like they always had a voice in vacations, that we listened to them. Of course, it wasn’t perfect, and I’ve had major mom fails still. But still, I love that. There’s that modeling piece. We just showed them respect and talked about it when they felt disrespected—by a coach, a teacher, a sibling, or even us. They were always allowed to tell us how they felt. And we were there to listen, like, “Yeah, what made you feel disrespected? That doesn’t seem respectful for that teacher to talk to you like that. You don’t have to be treated that way.” It’s interesting, they always respected people who respected them. Dr. Cam (19:29.745) We won’t tell which one you forgot about for a second. Esther Joy Goetz (19:43.182) Right! They felt respected, even when we made tough decisions. Modeling it is key. You don’t learn integrity by talking about it. Kids learn integrity by seeing you do what you say. If you say you’ll pick them up at 8:00, and you do, that’s integrity. It’s more caught than taught, and that’s a lot of work on us as parents. Dr. Cam (21:07.921) Yeah, absolutely. So if you're seeing something in your teen that concerns you, instead of trying to push them to change it, step back and think, “How can I change the way I’m showing up to model that better?” Esther Joy Goetz (21:26.862) Right. Like you said earlier—parents need to be parents, but these kids today have taught me more than anyone in my life. It’s about being both a learner and a teacher. It’s not about authoritarian parenting. It’s not top-down. Dr. Cam (21:29.329) That’s a big one. Esther Joy Goetz (21:56.494) It’s about being side by side, where you have a voice, and I have a voice. We’re all in this together, learning and teaching from each other. But there are times when you have to be a parent. For example, if you’ve been on a family vacation and the last time we did this, you had a huge rager at our house—guess what? The house is locked. If you don’t want to come, we’re changing the garage code. You’re not welcome in the home we’re paying for. Sometimes you’re a parent, sometimes you’re a friend. Dr. Cam (22:44.273) Right. I always find it interesting when people say we need to parent, they often mean we need to discipline, punish, and be the “bad guy.” I don’t know when parenting became equivalent to being the bad guy, because I’ve been a parent for 18 years, and I’ve never had to be the bad guy. I’ve had to say no, I’ve had to make tough decisions, but I’ve never been the bad guy. Why do we associate parenting with being the bad guy? Esther Joy Goetz (23:01.838) I hate that, too. Dr. Cam (23:12.305) Yeah, it’s puzzling. Esther Joy Goetz (23:22.158) You just hit on a key word—connection. Brene Brown says, “Connection is the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued, when they can give and receive without judgment, and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship.” My goal is to have a long-term, healthy relationship with my kids—one based on connection, not fear, guilt, or shame. If I keep that long-term goal in mind, I think about it like a crockpot, not a microwave. Dr. Cam (24:18.033) I love it. That’s great. Esther Joy Goetz (24:23.118) In those moments when I say no, the key isn’t the no. It’s the feeling of being seen, heard, and valued. When they feel that, they’re more likely to come to the same decision on their own. And even if they don’t agree with the decision, if they feel heard and respected, the no is easier to accept. So, long-term healthy relationships are what matter, and that won’t change as they leave the teen years. Eventually, you’re navigating adult-to-adult relationships. It’s all a learning process, and that’s okay. Dr. Cam (25:15.697) It changes everything again. Yeah. Esther Joy Goetz (25:23.278) If you keep that crockpot, not microwave mindset in your head, it really helps in those tough decisions—like when they want to go to a party, or they’re asking for the pill, or when they say they don’t want to go to church anymore. In those moments, you have to ask yourself, “Is this crockpot or microwave thinking?” Think about your relationship with your parents. Dr. Cam (25:54.385) Exactly. It’s funny because we often think it should be different for us and our kids, but really it’s not. When you have a connection, there’s a difference between not liking the decision and not liking you. When there’s no connection, anything negative becomes a reflection of their feelings toward us. Esther Joy Goetz (25:59.534) When we have that connection, and there’s a difficult decision, they don’t trust the decision, they trust us. They might not like it, but they feel heard and respected, and that makes all the difference. That’s the real test of connection. I also think parents should say yes as much as possible. Listen, hear them out, and say yes when you can. If you say yes more often, the no’s are easier to handle because they know you’re not just trying to control everything. When they ask if they can do something, instead of immediately saying no, I used to say, “When you’ve figured everything out, come back and we’ll talk about it.” And most of the time, their plans fell through anyway. Dr. Cam (27:58.385) Yeah, and if your plan involves me, let me know, so I have a chance to say yes or no. I say yes to almost anything unless there’s a really big reason not to. I want my daughter to live her best life, and I don’t want to hold her back. It’s wonderful to see. So, what’s the one thing you want parents to take away from today’s conversation? What’s the most important point? Esther Joy Goetz (28:41.806) For me, it’s the crockpot, not microwave mindset. Long-term, healthy relationships are built step by step. When you make tough decisions, deal with your own fear in the moment so you can make wise decisions with your teen. Those little decisions accumulate over time, like a lovely meal at the end. This is a lifetime journey. There are a million ways people try to control their kids, but ultimately, we’re in this for the long haul. Dr. Cam (29:34.193) Yeah, exactly. I still know a lot of people my age who are complaining about their parents' control over them. I'm like, that's not a healthy relationship. Esther Joy Goetz (29:41.454) Controlling... yeah, no, not a healthy relationship. So, think Crockpot, not microwave—that’s my one takeaway. Dr. Cam (29:49.585) I love it. And what is one action item parents can do right after they listen to this episode? Esther Joy Goetz (29:55.118) I would say find one way to connect with your kid without any strings attached. Don’t connect with them just so you can get something from them. Just connect. Write a note on their mirror reminding them that you're their biggest fan. My one son, every morning, I’d say, “Remember, I’m your biggest fan,” as he walked out to school. And even now, in his 20s, he says, “You know what, Mom? You’re my biggest fan.” And I’m like, yes. It’s simple, just connecting without any agenda. If what I said about the “self-stuff” resonated with you, have a conversation. Tell them, “I heard this podcast today, and they said this and this. I was just wondering what you thought about it.” My favorite way to connect is sending random notes—texts, TikToks, whatever I can do—to say one thing I’m thankful for, whether it's about them, something they’ve done lately, or how they’ve made me feel. Not tied to anything specific. Not, “Thank you for the flowers on Mother’s Day,” just, “Thank you for being you.” That’s just one way to connect without any strings attached, without any “mom agenda.” Dr. Cam (31:23.697) That means not getting mad if they don’t respond back. If you get mad that they didn’t respond, that shows strings. Esther Joy Goetz (31:32.494) Exactly. No strings, one-way connection. Dr. Cam (31:36.849) Yeah, that’s a hard one for a lot of parents because they think, “I do all this. I deserve this.” But it’s not your kid’s responsibility. It just isn’t. And when you keep doing it enough and building that connection, you get a lot of it in return. My daughter tells me every day, “You’re my biggest fan.” So it goes both ways, but it takes constant building and trust. Esther Joy Goetz (31:57.912) Yes, exactly. Dr. Cam (32:06.446) Esther, how can people find you? Esther Joy Goetz (32:06.446) I’m on Instagram and Facebook as @MomsOfBiggs. My website is EstherJoyGoetz.com/moms-of-biggs, where I have all my resources. It’s a catch-all for everything I do, but you’ll find "Moms of Biggs" in the menu. I’ve written a book called Moms Never Stop Momming with a co-author. We also have a collaborative book coming out in the fall called Moms Never Stop Worrying and Being Brave at the Same Time, releasing in the fall of 2024. I also have a program called Roots and Wings for moms whose kids are transitioning to college, and it’s available for sale right now. Dr. Cam (32:47.761) Excellent, we will put links everywhere in the show notes so people can find all of that. Esther, thank you so much for joining us today. This was fun. Esther Joy Goetz (32:54.126) Thank you!
ABOUT THE SHOW The Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Podcast is your go-to resource for navigating the challenges of raising teenagers. Hosted by Dr. Cam Caswell, an adolescent psychologist and certified parenting coach, this podcast offers practical parenting strategies, expert advice, and real-world insights to help you build a stronger relationship with your teen and support their emotional growth. Whether you’re struggling with teenage behavior or looking to improve communication, each episode provides actionable tips to make parenting teens easier and more rewarding. Perfect for both new and seasoned parents, this podcast helps you build the confidence to handle teen challenges and thrive together. #theteentranslator #drcamcaswell #parentingteenswithdrcam #ParentingTeens #MomsOfBigs #Teenagers | |||
| 24 Nov 2020 | Pressure-Free Parenting with Elle Ingalls | 00:20:57 | |
Today I talked with Elle Ingalls, founder of Pressure-Free Living and author of Pressure-Free Parenting: The 10-Second Solution to Reduce Stress and Anxiety for High-Achieving Families. During our interview, Elle shared some simple tips to stop anxiety in its tracks. I don't know about you, but I certainly could use a 10-second solution for stress!
BIO Elle Ingalls is an international speaker, coach, author, and founder of Pressure-Free Living. She helps people improve their health and performance with her on-the-go stress management method. A former member of the Forbes Coaches Council, she has created a series of online courses and has coached thousands of people from age 10 to 80 around the globe.
Connect with Elle: Facebook | Instagram | LinkedIn | Twitter | YouTube
Connect with Dr. Cam www.askdrcam.com | Facebook | Instagram | LinkedIn | Twitter | YouTube
If you found this podcast helpful, please LIKE and WRITE A REVIEW. Thanks!
| |||
| 01 Apr 2025 | How to Help Your Teen Overcome Gaming Addiction: Proven Strategies | 00:40:39 | |
In this compelling episode of Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam, host Dr. Cam interviews Cam Adair, the founder of Game Quitters and a renowned expert in gaming addiction recovery. Drawing from his own experience as a teen who once played video games for 16 hours a day, Cam shares invaluable insights that every parent needs to hear. This episode tackles the pressing concerns parents have about their teens' gaming habits and provides practical, actionable strategies to help foster a healthy relationship with gaming.
WHAT YOU'LL LEARN IN THIS EPISODE
🎧❤️ ENJOYING THE SHOW? Don’t keep it to yourself! Share your favorite episode and leave a rating and review to help other parents find the support they need. Your feedback helps me create even more episodes filled with practical tips for you and your family! Thanks so much for your support! 🙏💫 🔔 Remember to hit SUBSCRIBE so you never miss another solution-packed episode! 🙌 RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE
00:00 Understanding Gaming Addiction 03:01 The Spectrum of Gaming Behavior 06:00 Identifying Healthy vs. Problematic Gaming 08:58 Finding Balance in Gaming 11:59 Effective Communication with Teens 15:05 Navigating Power Struggles 18:08 Building Family Values Around Gaming 21:09 Collaborative Solutions for Gaming Limits 24:09 Setting Up for Healthy Gaming Habits 26:45 Transitioning from Gaming to Other Activities 30:00 Handling Meltdowns Over Gaming Limits 33:03 Encouraging Exploration Beyond Gaming 36:00 Modeling Healthy Tech Use 38:51 Resources for Parents and Final Thoughts ABOUT THE SHOWThe Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Podcast is your go-to resource for navigating the challenges of raising teenagers. Hosted by Dr. Cam Caswell, an adolescent psychologist and certified parenting coach, this podcast offers practical parenting strategies, expert advice, and real-world insights to help you build a stronger relationship with your teen and support their emotional growth. Whether you’re struggling with teenage behavior or looking to improve communication, each episode provides actionable tips to make parenting teens easier and more rewarding. Perfect for both new and seasoned parents, this podcast helps you build the confidence to handle teen challenges and thrive together. #theteentranslator #drcamcaswell #parentingteenswithdrcam #GamingAddiction #TeenParenting | |||
| 24 May 2021 | How to Help Teens Succeed in School with StudyPro | 00:30:33 | |
In this episode, Dr. Cam talks with Deborah A Rosen and Lindsey Thoms the owners of The StudyPro. StudyPro (www.TheStudyPro.com) is an executive function and study skills center in McLean, VA. They work with students to help them better manage the “process” of school. This means helping students become better planners, time managers, initiators, organizers, and completers of work. Most students aren’t taught these skills, yet they are so deeply needed to be successful at school and throughout their careers. Dr. Cam talks with Debbie and Lindsey about:
If you want to learn even more about how to connect with your teen and calm the drama, be sure to join me for the Parenting Teens Power Hour. I have an incredible lineup of experts ready to share their best tips and secrets—and it’s free. You can register at https://www.askdrcam.com/powerhour. If you enjoyed this episode and all the impactful tips that Debbie and Lindsey shared with us, please take a quick moment to rate and review. This helps other parents like you find this show. Feel free to share the love with a friend as well. Have a peaceful, positive, CALM day. | |||
| 09 Apr 2024 | Understanding Teen OCD: Signs, Symptoms, and Effective Strategies for Parent | 00:29:44 | |
In today’s episode, we dive deep into Teen OCD with Natasha Daniels, an experienced anxiety and OCD therapist who has been helping families navigate these challenges for over two decades. Natasha is also the creator of AT Parenting Survival and the host of the AT Parenting Survival Podcast. With both her clinical expertise and personal experience raising three kids with OCD, Natasha offers invaluable insights on supporting teens with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. If you're a parent wondering how to spot OCD in your teen, what steps to take, or how to avoid common pitfalls, this episode is a must-listen.
WHAT YOU'LL LEARN IN THIS EPISODE
5 KEY TAKEAWAYS FOR PARENTS OF TEENS
🎧❤️ ENJOYING THE SHOW? Don’t keep it to yourself! Share your favorite episode and leave a rating and review to help other parents find the support they need. Your feedback helps me create even more episodes filled with practical tips for you and your family! Thanks so much for your support! 🙏💫 🔔 Remember to hit SUBSCRIBE so you never miss another solution-packed episode! 🙌
RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE
EPISODE CHAPTERS:
CONNECT WITH OUR GUEST: Natasha Daniels
CONNECT WITH YOUR HOST: Dr. Cam Caswell
ABOUT THE SHOW The Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Podcast is your go-to resource for navigating the challenges of raising teenagers. Hosted by Dr. Cam Caswell, an adolescent psychologist and certified parenting coach, this podcast offers practical parenting strategies, expert advice, and real-world insights to help you build a stronger relationship with your teen and support their emotional growth. Whether you’re struggling with teenage behavior or looking to improve communication, each episode provides actionable tips to make parenting teens easier and more rewarding. Perfect for both new and seasoned parents, this podcast helps you build the confidence to handle teen challenges and thrive together. #theteentranslator #drcamcaswell #parentingteenswithdrcam | |||
| 25 Sep 2020 | How to Stay CALM in the Midst of Teen Drama! | 00:15:21 | |
How do you keep a positive mindset when your teen is acting like a, well, jerk? In this episode, Dr. Cam shares her secret to remaining calm and staying focused on what really matters. It may be a bit morbid, but it works! If you found this episode helpful, please LIKE, FOLLOW, & SHARE. Learn more about Dr. Cam at www.AskDrCam.com
| |||
| 07 Sep 2023 | Connecting With Teens When It Feels Hard with Meghan Leahy | 00:46:40 | |
We talk a lot on this show about how critical it is to maintain a strong relationship with our teenagers to nurture their mental, emotional, and social well-being. It is also a protective factor against anxiety, depression, drug use, and so much more. But knowing it and doing it are very different things. Many parents tell me that they want to connect with their teens, but their teens don’t want anything to do with them. So what do we do? Today I’m joined by Meghan Leahy, a renowned parent coach and parenting columnist at the Washington Post. Meghan specializes in helping caregivers build and strengthen connections with their children, even when it feels incredibly hard.
Resources Mentioned in This Episode
Thanks for Listening! Thanks so much for listening to our podcast! If you enjoyed this episode and think that others would appreciate the guidance and encouragement, please take a quick moment to rate and review. Reviews from my listeners are extremely valuable and greatly appreciated. Review on iTunes.
Subscribe to the Podcast If you would like to get automatic updates of new podcast episodes, you can subscribe to the podcast on iTunes, YouTube, Google, Spotify. You can also subscribe from the podcast app on your mobile device or listen LIVE in my Private Facebook Group. | |||
| 14 Dec 2020 | Keeping Teens Safe (The Baby Turtle Story) | 00:05:02 | |
As tempted as we are to direct and correct our teenagers, learning to gently guide them is far more effective in the long run. Dr. Cam shares a story about saving a baby turtle and what it taught her about keeping our teens safe.
Connect with Dr. Cam www.askdrcam.com | Facebook | Instagram | LinkedIn | Twitter | YouTube | iTunes If you found this episode helpful, please LIKE, FOLLOW, REVIEW & SHARE. Thanks :) | |||
| 27 Nov 2020 | When You’ve HAD IT! | 00:17:50 | |
I've had it! We can get so frustrated dealing with our teens that we just want to throw our arms up in the air and give up. They're resilient, they'll figure it out. Clearly, they don't want my help anyway, so why I'm I busting my butt trying? If this sounds familiar, tune in to today's episode! Connect with Dr. Cam www.askdrcam.com | Facebook | Instagram | LinkedIn | Twitter | YouTube If you found this episode helpful, please LIKE, FOLLOW, REVIEW & SHARE. Thanks :) | |||
| 15 Jan 2024 | Empowering Teens for Career Success with Dr. Lorna Bryant | 00:31:48 | |
SPONSORED BY: Pearson’s Connections Academy Did you know that by 2030, 85% of jobs that will exist haven't even been invented yet? How do you prepare your teens for a future filled with unknowns? In this episode, Dr. Lorna Bryant, head of career education at Pearson's Connections Academy, shares insights on preparing teens for success in a future filled with unknowns. The conversation covers various topics, including the pressure to succeed, redefining success, balancing future preparation and present needs, developing skills and seeking opportunities, changing views on careers and work-life, work ethic and priorities of younger generations, defining success and prioritizing well-being, recognizing the value of diverse interests, navigating career changes and quitting, and encouraging exploration and finding passion. Thanks for Listening! Thanks so much for listening to our podcast! If you enjoyed this episode and think that others would appreciate the guidance and encouragement, please take a quick moment to rate and review. Reviews from my listeners are extremely valuable and greatly appreciated. Review on iTunes. Subscribe to the Podcast If you would like to get automatic updates of new podcast episodes, you can subscribe to the podcast on iTunes, YouTube, Google, Spotify. You can also subscribe from the podcast app on your mobile device or listen LIVE in my Private Facebook Group. | |||