Marriage Talk (Sheldon and Valerie Dean)

Ever had the thought… ‘I think my spouse becomes a different person when we are around extended family.’ 

Sheldon and Valerie have a conversation on what to do if you or your spouse become different around family as well as some reasons why that might be happening. With Christmas right around the corner this is a timely conversation and something that has affected Sheldon and Valerie in the past.

Processing Questions:

Has a change in you or your spouse around extended family affected your marriage?

What's one thing you can do to address this in a healthy way?

Blog link from Les and Leslie Parrott - Help! My Spouse Is A Completely Different Person With Family
https://www.symbis.com/blog/help-my-spouse-is-a-completely-different-person-with-their-family/?utm_source=Devotion+by+Les+and+Leslie&utm_campaign=b1c418513c-EMAIL_CAMPAIGN_2024_11_26_07_36&utm_medium=email&utm_term=0_-b1c418513c-138746289&mc_cid=b1c418513c&mc_eid=9930e824af

Sheldon and Valerie continue their conversation with Bryan and Bonnie Pue from the Union Movement and this time they focus on their marriage journey and the things they have done well… and not so well. 

Trigger warning - We do talk briefly about sexual abuse and past sexual mistakes. 

Here is the website of The Union Movement if you would like to know more about Bryan and Bonnie - https://www.theunionmovement.com

Sheldon and Valerie talk about four guard rails they recommend to have in marriage.

Valerie and Sheldon interview Elaine and Darren Lee on their marriage journey. The things they have done well and the things they have learned from along the way.

Darren is a Quality Assurance Manager working for a global tech company. Elaine is a Strategic Projects Lead working in Power to Change. 

Elaine and Darren are passionate about food and travel and they each do equal amounts of eating and cooking, but Darren loves long journeys and hanging out in airports to check out planes, while Elaine prefers to get to the destination as quickly as possible.
 

They both grew up in Christian households but walked away from God for more than 10 years. They rededicated their lives to Jesus in 2018 whilst living in London, UK for 2 years. Darren & Elaine moved from New Zealand to Canada almost 5 years ago (Oct 2019). They lead a Prayer Ministry Team in church and love to see people experience healing and freedom by the work of the Holy Spirit through prayer. They facilitate a 12-step course called STEPS, designed to help people find freedom from unhelpful/unhealthy thought or behavior patterns. They have a heart for caring for people pastorally and hope that sharing their story would help strengthen relationships and marriages. 

Weekend Getaway Summer Sale happening July 5 - 18th. This will be the lowest publicly posted rate of the year. For locations and conference information go to familylifecanada.com/events.

If you sign up for the Four Weeks to Oneness free series at familylifecanada.com/live anytime now or during the promo period, you’ll get an exclusive behind the scenes discount on the summer promo. No need to wait until July!

Sheldon and Valerie talk about vulnerability; why we should be vulnerable; what happens when we are not vulnerable; and how we can become more vulnerable.

FamilyLife Canada

Sheldon and Valerie share on an article about Tough Love In Adult Relationships. What it is, what it's not and how to use it.

Here is the article that is discussed on todays show: https://www.focusonthefamily.com/family-qa/tough-love-in-adult-relationships/

Sheldon and Valerie continue their conversation about emotional needs. How we can think about them in a healthy way and how to identify our own emotional needs using Dr. Willard Harley’s emotional needs questionnaire.

Emotional Needs Questionnaire - https://www.marriagebuilders.com/download/library/questionnaires/the-emotional-needs-questionnaire-enq-2.pdf

Sheldon and Valerie talk about being stuck in a gridlock, not the traffic kind but the marriage kind. They unpack the 5 steps to move us out of gridlock identified in the book “The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work” by Dr. John Gottman. Step 1 - Be A Dream Detective; Step 2 - Don’t Solve Rather Seek To Understand; Step 3 - Soothe Each Other; Step 4 - End The Gridlock; Step 5 - Say Thank You. 

Sheldon and Valerie talk about relationship ruts. What they are and how to break free from them.

Sheldon and Valerie talk about how our sex lives in marriage are intertwined and connected to the rest of our relationship. So if we want to improve our sex life the first place to start could be to look at the satisfaction and health of the rest of our relationship.

Links:
Weekend Getaway Pricing - https://events.familylifecanada.com/weekend-getaway-marriage-conferences/#rates-and-offers
Weekend Getaway Locations - https://events.familylifecanada.com/weekend-getaway-marriage-conferences/#locations

Sheldon and Valerie talk about emotional needs. How we can think about them in a healthy way and how to identify our own emotional needs using Dr. Willard Harley’s emotional needs questionnaire.

Emotional Needs Questionnaire - https://www.marriagebuilders.com/download/library/questionnaires/the-emotional-needs-questionnaire-enq-2.pdf

Sheldon and Valerie talk about some things that might be affecting how we view household partnerships and some things they did to navigate this. 

Here are the processing questions:

• How has your family of origin affected this area in your marriage?
• What are some things you appreciate about how you manage your household partnership?
• What is one area you would like to improve on in household partnership?

Sheldon and Valerie talk about some changes they have made to be able to enjoy the Christmas season. It hasn’t always been merry and bright, but there have been unmet expectations,  and frustrations over the years. The reason we celebrate is Jesus but the “celebrations” this time of year can be difficult at times. 

Sheldon and Valerie continue their conversation from Patrick Lencioni’s Ideal Team Player conversation to talk about examples of what it looks like when we are lacking in a significant way one or more of the humble, hungry and smart virtues. 

Sheldon and Valerie sit down with Jared and Courtney LaCoste to talk about their marriage journey. 

Jared and Courney have been married for 13 years and have called Regina home for the last 4.5 years. They have three kids together ages 9, 8 and 6. Jared works in Regina full time with Athletes in Action as a sports chaplain with the Saskatchewan Roughriders and Regina Pats. Courtney works as a Registered Nurse. They keep busy following their kids around to hockey games, figure skating, gymnastics and football games if they aren’t at home that is where they will be.  

Sheldon and Valerie talk about how we will be remembered. What kind of attributes and character traits, what kind of person do we want to be remembered for? They talk about some things we can all do to make sure our family is getting our best.  

Sheldon and Valerie have a conversation with Matt and Josie Jaggers about their marriage journey and lessons about conflict, getting healthy personally and the “marriage mirror”. 

In a world that’s go-go-go, when was the last time you actually slowed down? 🤔 No, not just scrolling on your phone—but truly relaxing?

🎨 Maybe it’s coloring like you did as a kid.
 📖 Getting lost in a good book.
 🌱 Digging in the garden (weeds and all!).
 🙏 Taking a quiet moment with God.

However it looks for you, make time for it. Your mind, body, and soul will thank you. 💛

In today's episode Valerie and Sheldon continue their R-E series and today’s word is Relax. 

Processing Questions:

1. What helps you to release tension and find refreshment for your mind and body? 
2. When you take time to relax, what benefits do you see in yourself and your relationships?
3. What would you like to add to your schedule to have some intentional relaxation time? 

Sheldon and Valerie talk about trust. Why it’s important and how they have built trust in their marriage.

Sheldon and Valerie wrap up their conversation about love from 1 Corinthians 13:4-8. They talk about how love does not rejoice at wrongdoing but rejoices with the truth, love bears all things, hopes all things, endures all things, love never ends.

Sheldon and Valerie talk about the tendency to underestimate the difficulty of things and overestimate our abilities at times and how it's good to be realistic and honest with ourselves. The solution to this is to gain understanding and tools so that we can overcome these difficulties. 

Processing Questions:
What are areas where you have underestimated the difficulty of things?

What are areas where you have overestimated your abilities?

How would being realistic and honest with yourself help in these situations?

How can you gain some understanding and tools to help in difficult situations?

Sheldon and Valerie talk about three ways that Jesus related to people. He was compassionate, made connections and showed courage. There are lessons we can learn from Jesus in relating to our spouse and kids. Compassion is a heart posture that moves us to action. Building connection through question asking and seeking just as Jesus did in his interactions The courage to love the way Jesus did, confront how Jesus confronted and forgive the way Jesus did.

Sheldon and Valerie talk about how our words can impact our relationships.

Resources mentioned in this episode:

FamilyLife Canada - www.familylifecanada.com
Authentic Intimacy - www.authenticintimacy.com
The Union Movement - www.theunionmovement.com

Sheldon and Valerie talk about the concept of how life is meant to be spent.

Happy Canadian Thanksgiving!!! 

Sheldon and Valerie talk about the importance of gratitude and together they process seeing the good or bad in a situation, how we can make a shift in our thinking and the importance of honesty. 

Processing Questions

What are you thankful for today? 

What would help you to deal with issues rather than complain about them?

Where do you focus more, on the good or the bad, and is it dependent on the situation and person? Why do you think that is?

Sheldon and Valerie talk about money and the things that have helped them to get on the same page regarding finances.

Ron Blue (Financial Planning Worksheet) - https://ronblueinstitute.com/tools/#financial_planning
Dave Ramsey (Every Dollar App) - https://www.ramseysolutions.com/ramseyplus/everydollar
Sheldon's Blog (How We Finally Stopped Fighting About Money) - https://www.familylifecanada.com/blog/how-we-finally-stopped-fighting-about-money/

Sheldon and Valerie talk about 6 factors that we can use to train ourselves to be more resilient. This episode covers the first 3 in this two part series. 

Sheldon and Valerie talk about another 5 strategies we can do to make the switch from a fixed mindset to a growth mindset. This is part 2 of the series. To hear the other 5 strategies tune in to episode 81.

Sheldon and Valerie talk about heading towards the “potholes” in our relationships rather than avoiding them. 

Sheldon and Valerie interview Bryan and Bonnie Pue, cofounders of The Union Movement. Through their ministry they seek to bring help and wholeness on the topics of identity, sexuality and relationships. They are passionate about helping people talk about sexuality with a biblical worldview and love to equip parents and churches with tools and language on how to approach the topic of sex and sexuality with all age groups.

https://www.theunionmovement.com/

Sheldon and Valerie talk about the why, what and how of thankfulness and gratitude.

Link to Billy Graham article mentioned in the episode. https://billygraham.org/story/how-to-be-thankful-in-all-things

Have you ever stopped to think about how God never changes? 🙌 Hebrews 13:8 reminds us: Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever. But while He remains constant, we are always changing—growing, and learning.

And honestly? That’s not a bad thing. But sometimes, change can make us feel like we don’t recognize the person we married… or even ourselves.

That’s why today, Sheldon and Valerie are talking about rediscovery—the adventure of continually learning about each other in marriage. Think back to the early days… the excitement of discovering new things about your spouse, the little surprises, the curiosity. That doesn’t have to fade! But it does take intentionality.

Let’s be couples who never stop discovering—who stay curious, who lean in, and who pursue each other daily. ❤️

Processing Questions From Episode:

1. In what positive ways have you changed since getting married?
2. In what positive ways have you seen your spouse change since getting married?
3. In what area do you feel you need to rediscover your spouse? What ways do you feel you need to reintroduce yourself to your spouse?

Sheldon and Valerie chat with FamilyLife Canada staff couple, Matt and Josie Jaggers, about ways they have intentionally sought more of Christ in their lives and marriage. Check out their blog post for practical ideas on bringing more of Christ into your marriage this Christmas season.

Sheldon and Valerie continue their conversation on what love is based on 1 Corinthians 13:4-8. They talk about how love is not arrogant or rude, it does not insist on its own way, it is not irritable or resentful. 

Sheldon and Valerie talk about how to build and restore hope in our relationships.

Sheldon and Valerie talk about spiritual pathways, different ways we can connect and draw close to God. 

Sheldon and Valerie talk about the age old when/then lie. The idea that our contentment and gratitude is conditional on something being attained or achieved and how we tend to justify unhealthy behaviour in trying to achieve that condition. We talk about how the escape from this cycle is in rejecting the lie, holding to the promises of God and living with contentment and gratitude. 

What a blessing it was for Sheldon and Valerie to sit and visit with Scott and Joanne Williams this past year. They are two people that absolutely love Jesus and you will hear that in their marriage story.

Scott and Joanne have a story of redemption, forgiveness, healing and God’s faithfulness. They have the honour of leading marriage ministries at their home church, HopeCity. They are believers in inviting people into their story - mentors in their life have been an integral part of their healing journey. They love serving marriages, families and ultimately God who has done so much for them. 

Be encouraged that no story is beyond redemption. God is faithful to do His most amazing work in the lives of those completely surrendered. Scott and Joanne have a desire that marriages would find hope and healing through their story of brokenness and God’s goodness.

They live in Fredericton, NB where they work together in their business and have raised 3 incredible children – Taylor (27), Micah (23) and Tori (21). 

This week Sheldon and Valerie talk about romance in marriage… why it’s important and how to cultivate it.

Here is a link to the assessment they talk about at the end. https://www.betterlove.com/

Sheldon and Valerie talk about lessons they learnt while paddling the Churchill River for 5 days with a group of 20 friends and family. They share some of their highlights and life lessons which include: When you tip you can still smile; It’s ok to lighten the load; Steer towards your destination; Share life with family and friends; Life is an adventure - live it!; Attitude Matters; Soul Care; Learn from others; Heed warnings.

FamilyLife Canada Marriage Mentoring
FamilyLife Canada Weekend Getaways
Group Rates for Weekend Getaways

Sheldon and Valerie talk about self-care. Why it matters, what it can look like and the benefits of taking care of ourselves. They talk about the balance between loving and serving others while also taking care of our own mental, emotional, physical and spiritual health.  

Welcome back to our RE-series! Last week, we dove into the power of Reconnect, and today, we’re shifting gears to talk about Realign—because, let’s be honest, sometimes life completely messes up our plans, and we need a reset!

So, picture this: you’re on a cruise, living your best life, and they hand you a domino set as a gift (fancy, right?). But then comes the challenge—they ask you to reflect on what happens when someone blocks your move in a game of dominos. UGH. The strategy you carefully planned? Wrecked. You’re forced to realign, find a new position, and keep playing. Frustrating? Absolutely. Necessary? 100%.

Now, here’s where it gets real—this isn’t just a dominos thing. This is a marriage thing. Life happens. Unexpected challenges come up. We’re all human, which means sin, selfishness, and just plain old stress can knock us out of alignment with our spouse. But instead of staying stuck, what if we chose to realign? What if we found a way to reposition ourselves together and get back in the game?

In today’s episode, Sheldon and Valerie are diving into practical ways to realign in marriage—whether it’s communication, priorities, or just remembering why you started this journey together in the first place. Because trust us, the game isn’t over just because the strategy had to change.

Let’s talk about it! 🎧

Processing Questions:

What areas do I need to realign in my life?

Where do we need to realign together in our relationship?

What's one thing I could do today to help us realign in our marriage?

Sheldon and Valerie talk about decision making. We all have decision making styles which can have an impact on our marriages.

Sheldon and Valerie talk about how we respond when our spouse or kids make an attempt for a positive connection with us, do we turn towards or away from them? 

Sheldon and Valerie talk with Randy and Donna Carter (founders of STM Ministries) about their marriage journey. The things they have done well and the things they have learned from along the way.

Randy and Donna Carter began speaking at marriage conferences in 2015 after experiencing a renaissance in their own marriage. They quickly discovered that they love sharing, both what they’ve learned over a long marriage, and the stage. They are in demand as marriage speakers whose bible centred, research based talks brim with authenticity, humour, wisdom and empathy. Randy is also a seasoned youth speaker and youth ministry specialist. Donna is a bestselling author, broadcaster and speaker. They have two daughters, two sons-in-law and two adorable grandchildren.

Here is the link to the ADHD Toolkit that is referred to in the episode. 

Valerie and Sheldon had the privilege of sitting down with their dads, Terry Breker and David Dean, earlier this year to talk about their journey of fatherhood. It was another great episode from 2024, full of personal stories with once again a few tears. 

Sheldon and Valerie interview Matt Cline, founder of Restored Ministries, about the effects that pornography and sexual addiction has on a marriage and how to find freedom and healing.  

Restored Ministries - https://www.restoredministries.ca
Pure Victory Podcast - https://www.restoredministries.ca/purevictor
Pure Freedom Community - https://purefc.ca/

Sheldon and Valerie talk A Rule of Life. Something they learnt about from Ken Shigamatsu in his book “God in My Everything”. Ken talks about how we can experience God in every part of our lives when we are intentional in the way we live, caring for and growing in our spirit, mind and body. He says a rule of life is “ simply a rhythm of practices that empowers us to live well and grow more like Jesus by helping us experience God in everything.” 

Sheldon and Valerie talk about 6 factors that we can use to train ourselves to be more resilient. This episode covers the last 3 in this two part series.

Here is the link to the Culture Translator that is mentioned in this episode.  

Sheldon and Valerie interview Derrick and Kasia Moncrief about their marriage journey being a professional athlete.

Sheldon and Valerie talk about The Marriage Meeting. What it is and how it has helped them and so many other couples.

The Marriage Meeting Blog - By Sharol Josephson - www.familylifecanada.com/meeting

As 2023 draws to a close we are replaying the top 3 most listened to shows from the past year. Here is #1 - Episode 15 “Teddy’s Beautiful Life.” 

​​Sheldon and Valerie talk with Shaylee and Levi Durston about the loss of their son and God's faithfulness through it all.

Sheldon interviews Valerie, Brenda Breker (Valerie's mom), and Edith Dean (Sheldon's mom) on their journey of motherhood. This episode is full of laughter and tears and we trust it will be an encouragement to those who listen. 

Sheldon and Valerie talk about some ways we can celebrate our spouse on Valentine's day and everyday throughout the year.

As the year draws to a close we are returning to 4 episodes from 2024. Each week we’ll play an episode from this past year that was highly listened to and ones that Sheldon and Valerie received comments on. 

Today we are returning to the interview Sheldon and Valerie did with their mothers Brenda Breker and Edith Dean. The interview is about their journey of motherhood and is full of laughter and tears. We trust it will be an encouragement once again.

Sheldon and Valerie talk about what to do when life goes from zero to sixty and it feels like you and your spouse are drifting from the frantic pace. They will share a few things they do that helps them as well as share a little formula to use in your relationship.

Sheldon and Valerie talk about realizing we don’t have to manage our spouses emotions. It was so freeing once they realized this and they share reasons that made it difficult for them, but they also share how understanding they don't have o manage each others emotions has been so helpful in their marriage.

As 2023 draws to a close we are replaying the top 3 most listened to shows from the past year. Here is #2 - Episode 19 “Doing Marriage well with Neil and Sharol.” 

Sheldon and Valerie talk about the difference between a growth mindset and a fixed mindset and three markers that will help us determine which mindset we have. Those markers are our expectations, how we communicate and handle conflict.

FamilyLife Parenting Conference

Article that is discussed in the episode.

Sheldon and Valerie have the privilege of interviewing Lynne Jackson about the online course from Connected Families called Sensitive and Intense Kids. 

Lynne​ has over 27 years of experience as a Paediatric Occupational Therapist working with children with sensory processing disorder, ADHD (including her own kids!), OCD, ODD and autism spectrum disorders. As a speaker, certified life coach, podcaster, and author, Lynne has helped thousands of parents learn to be peaceful, purposeful, and confident. In 2002, she and her husband, Jim founded Connected Families, a ministry that helps parents learn to embody God’s grace in the midst of family life. 

Links:
https://connectedfamilies.org/
https://connectedfamilies.org/courses/sensitive-intense-kids/

This is week two in the Love series. Sheldon and Valerie talk about how love is patient and kind, it does not envy or boast.

Sheldon and Valerie talk about the stuff we bring into marriage from our family of origin and our life experiences and how that can affect us unless we deal with it.

Sheldon and Valerie talk about creating culture in our marriages and families. They chat about a blog by Carey Nieuwhof titled 5 Essential Building Blocks of a Healthy Church Culture and the principles he uses in building church culture.

Processing Questions:

1. What is the current culture of your family?
2. What do you want the culture to be?
3. How do you achieve the culture that you want?

Carey Nieuwhof Blog 

5 Essential Building Blocks of a Healthy Church Culture 

Sheldon talks with Jay and Gretta Kennedy about their parenting journey. The good, the struggles and the things they have learnt along the way. 

Check out the FamilyLife Canada Parenting Conference happening April 14-24, 2023 (https://www.familylifecanada.com/parenting-conference-2023/)

Sheldon and Valerie talk about celebrations and holidays. What gets in the way of us enjoying them and some ways to get on the same page and celebrate well together.

Sheldon and Valerie talk about reactive and responsive communication and the impact they have on our marriages.

This week Sheldon and Valerie continue their conversation about emotional intelligence with a focus on how we develop in this area of our life.

Here are the different links that are mentioned in this episode.
Dr. Juli Slattery Blog - https://www.authenticintimacy.com/learning-to-say-i-was-wrong
GotQuestions Article - https://www.gotquestions.org/emotional-healing.html
The Feelings Wheel - https://feelingswheel.com

Sheldon and Valerie finish their discussion on tough love as presented in a Focus On The Family article entitled Tough Love In Adult Relationships: what it is, what it's not and how to use it. 

Here is the article: https://www.focusonthefamily.com/family-qa/tough-love-in-adult-relationships/

Sheldon and Valerie chat with Scott and Joanne Williams. Scott and Joanne Williams live in Fredericton, NB where they work together in their business, raised their children and enjoy church ministry and a life full of rich friendships. They are the proud parents of 3 incredible children – Taylor (27), Micah (23) and Tori (21). Their story is one of redemption, forgiveness, healing and God’s faithfulness. They have the honor of leading marriage ministries at their home church, HopeCity. They are believers in inviting people into their story - mentors in their life have been an integral part of their healing journey. They love serving marriages, families, God’s house and ultimately, their God who has done so much for them. Be encouraged that no story is beyond redemption. God is faithful to do His most amazing work in the lives of those completely surrendered. It is their desire that marriages would find hope and healing through their story of brokenness and God’s goodness.

Processing Questions:
What points you back to truth when the lies want to take over?
Which stigmas about marriage issues have been part of your thinking?
What are you holding onto that needs to be surrendered to the Lord?

Sheldon and Valerie talk about forgiveness. Why it's important, how to do it and what it does for us in our marriage, parenting and life in general. 

This week Sheldon and Valerie talk about living on purpose. And one way we can do that is to practice self-discipline.

We have the privilege of having my dad, Terry, and Sheldon's dad, David, on the podcast today and of course Sheldon is here with us also. I will be interviewing them on their journey of fatherhood. 

Sheldon and Valerie talk about 5 strategies we can do to make the switch from a fixed mindset to a growth mindset. This is a two part series and next week they will talk about another 5 strategies.

Sheldon and Valerie talk about what we believe causes our behaviour. If we want to change our behaviour we have to change our beliefs. 

Sheldon and Valerie talk about some mental health myths and some things we can do if we or our loved one is struggling.

Here is the link to the article mentioned in this episode. https://www.crossway.org/articles/5-myths-about-mental-illness/?utm_source=Crossway+Marketing&utm_campaign=b29a9fc372-20230918+History+-+Puritan+Women+Debunk+3&utm_medium=email&utm_term=0_0275bcaa4b-9fa497e845-%5BLIST_EMAIL_ID%5D

Sheldon and Valerie continue their conversation on building culture focusing on building block #4, “write down your core value statements”. The three steps are:  Step 1: Think of what you want your values to embody; Step 2: Isolate the unique principles; Step 3: Create memorable language that’s prescriptive and descriptive.

Processing Questions:

1. What would creating value statements do in your family?
2. What is one value you would love to cultivate or keep growing in your family?
3. What is one step you could take today towards creating value statements for your family?

Carey Nieuwhof Blog 

3 Steps to Create Church Core Value Statements (With Examples)

Sheldon and Valerie discuss the fact that what we focus on will significantly impact what we see and how we feel about a situation.

Sheldon and Valerie talk about the idea of creating an atmosphere of fun and flirtiness in our relationships.

Sheldon and Valerie talk about why non-sexual touch is important, what it does in a relationship, and what it can look like.