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Date
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10 Feb 2022
Share Motions To Share Emotions
00:21:56
068 Want some super actionable–and fun! – ways to bring more connection, trust, cooperation and a sense of synchrony into your relationship? (Of course you do, as a highly sensitive woman who loves feeling connected to the person you love! )Then you’ve got to listen in.
In this episode, we dive into how moving together is a powerful doorway to feeling closer, and how you can incorporate this research-backed understanding into your marriage starting today for a stronger connection for the rest of your lives.
We dive into:
What I mean by “sharing motions” or “moving together”, and examples to try out
A bit of the (fun and even laughter-inducing) science behind how sharing motions leads to sharing positive emotions
How my clients and I have harnessed this knowledge to our and our husbands benefit
A few of the best ways to communicate with your partner to get him on board to putting this into practice in your lives.
And why if your husband isn't into this idea, there is no reason to despair, and still SO much that you can do to make sure a deep loving connection is at the heart of your marriage.
You’ll come away from this episode with a clear understanding of how you can use this “connection hack” to bring more love and joy into your marriage, and confidence that you can increase the intimacy you want between you and your significant other.
ENJOYING THE SHOW?
Get the HSHM Podcast Map, so you can quickly identify the episodes most helpful for your unique relationship, by supporting the podcast (for as little as $3) HERE.
Marriage Coach Or Therapist–Which Is Right For You?
00:36:09
If you’re considering getting professional support now or in the future for your marriage–or for anything related to your mental emotional well-being and life goals– you will want to understand what kind of support is best for you and your unique situation and goals.
I've seen too many women waste precious time, energy, money – and even lose hope in things changing in their marriages all together, simply because they didn’t understand when to choose a therapist for support, and when to hire a marriage coach…and so they chose the wrong type of professional support.
Let’s not let that be you! This episode will clear things up for you.
Neither Coaching or Therapy (or Counseling) is better than the other. But both have their place, and each can be amazingly effective at their different goals.
To maximize their benefit, get the changes you want, and not get discouraged, you need to educate yourself about the difference, and understand what they each work best for.
In this episode, I break that down for you, explain the difference between them, and help you identify what will be best for you, and perhaps your partner, to choose so you can have the best life and marriage possible.
If you’ve been considering working with me, definitely listen in to find out if I’d be the right choice for you in your situation.
And even if you aren’t planning to find professional help right now, listen in so you can be educated to help point others in the right direction, listen to and follow the free content of right fit professionals for you, and get the best advice for your challenges and goals.
ENJOYING THE SHOW?
Get the HSHM Podcast Map, so you can quickly identify the episodes most helpful for your unique relationship, by supporting the podcast (for as little as $3) HERE.
How You Can Benefit From Connecting Your Husband's Way
00:26:58
070 As a sensitive woman, you likely love feeling connected to your significant other—and want to feel that way more often, yeah?
Trouble is, especially if you are married to a man, he may not be as into connecting in the ways you most love. He’d rather spend less time having deep talks and such, and more time doing other things. Or he outright resists spending time with you in the ways that bring you the emotional closeness you want…
Research shows this is a common difference between males and females.
Luckily, If this is the case in your relationship, you can still experience the connection you want. In this episode we talk about how.
We cover:
The different ways, in general, males and females naturally connect.
the one rule to follow to create satisfying connection for both of you.
How to apply it step by step in daily life.
How to apply it when it comes to sex and physical intimacy.
Real life examples from clients and my own marriage that demonstrate how you can use this rule successfully.
Why this naturally leads to more connection YOUR way.
Stories of clients who use this to experience the emotional closeness they want with their partner.
How to handle things when you feel you are the one compromising all the time, and he isn’t meeting you in the middle.
Support to help you communicate about it all.
My clients and I use this “connection hack” to bring the emotional closeness we want with our husbands right into our marriages. Now you can, too! Listen in.
ENJOYING THE SHOW?
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Connection Your Way: A Process For More Emotional Intimacy
00:28:36
071 Last week we talked about connecting your significant other's way, and the benefits it brings you. Lest you think you always need to bend to his ways (oh no you don’t), today we discuss connecting YOUR way, and my favorite 5 step process for doing so.
If you love connecting through communication, as so many sensitive women do, or you simply want more emotional intimacy in your life with your husband, listen all the way through this episode!
In it I:
lay out a favorite step by step process that you can do weekly to keep the “air clear” between you, and create more understanding and closeness that deepens ongoingly over time.
Share why this short brief process can be more potent and powerful than other more spontaneous “deeper” forms of connection.
Describe to you what the roots of intimacy are made up of
And teach you how to invite your partner to get on board with doing this with you (and what to do if he isn’t up for it.)
I attribute much of the intimacy and amazingness of my marriage to using this process with dedication over the years with my husband.
Listen in, try it out, and let it bring more connected intimacy right into the heart of your marriage.
And even if you don’t plan to implement this process, you will get some great takeaways to improve the communication and intimacy between you!
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It may seem like it will be complex to make your marriage one you love, that there are just so many things you need to do .... And ….it WILL be complicated, if you try to patchwork lots of to-do’s together to improve things.
But I’ve got good news for you: it can actually be simple to improve things by 100% – when you have laid out for you the simple foundational steps that lead to a great marriage.
Today I share with you the basics of the 4 Pillars To An Amazing Marriage– which is the process I have used myself and with all my highly sensitive clients– that takes our marriage from wherever it is (even if quite unhappy) to amazing and thriving.
These 4 pillars make up the foundational mindset and ways of being that lay the groundwork for easy communication, loving interactions, and smooth and peaceful navigation of daily life with your significant other to come naturally–not to mention emotional intimacy, laughter, and even romance with him.
The 4 Pillars are the guide, the map, to help you, HSP, create an ever-deepening happiness in your marriage –and well-being in your life. When we learn and use this process, we unlock the keys to a better life in all arenas… make living life as an HSP not just tolerable, but so fulfilling, so rich, and so positively impactful.
Listen in to this episode to hear me:
give you a breakdown of each of the 4 steps,
describe how they have benefitted those that have learned them before you
illustrate how all 4 pillars can all work together in any given situation or interaction
get you started on implementing them right away.
And share how you can develop your skill with each step more deeply
It doesn't have to be overwhelming to make your marriage so much better. You just need a simple but thorough process that addresses the issues and at the source, and unlocks all the good stuff inside you and between you and your partner. This is that process. Don't miss it.
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073 Can highly sensitive people become less sensitive? Many HSPs wonder this! And many experts say no.
I have a slightly different take, one that will bring you hope, clarity, and motivation. In this episode I share what I know is possible to change and what isn’t when it comes to being sensitive–especially when it comes to emotional sensitivity.
I break down for you the 5 most common approaches to handling emotions that actually lead to what many of us consider the bad part of being sensitive–in other words, ways of handling our deep feelings that don’t work so well in our relationships, especially.
And I share with you what you need to know, and what you need to be focusing on to not only avoid being “sensitive'' in the worst sense of the word, but also to experience your sensitivity as the special gift it is–one that brings the heights of love and joy into your own life and relationships.
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074 We all are born with 2 particular “biases” of our brains that make lasting love difficult…that is, until we understand them and learn to overcome them!
These innate biases are simply ways our human brains (highly sensitive or not) naturally function that lead to perceiving the world–and our partner –in certain predictable ways.
If you ever feel resentful, disappointed in, frustrated with, or hurt by your partner…if the same issues are coming up in this relationship that came up in past ones, if you feel less respect, attraction or admiration of your husband than you wish– or you generally just aren’t as happy as you’d like to be in your marriage, I can guarantee that’s at least in part because of these 2 biases.
When we do not understand these biases and how they operate hand in hand, we live our lives at their effect–meaning they rule our experience of love. For the worse…
It’s almost like they cast a painful spell on us (what I call Real but not True syndrome) … leaving us feeling very real painful feelings and wreaking havoc in our marriages. Interestingly, these feelings aren’t based on truth. They are based on your brain’s biased, subjective, distorted way of seeing things.
Today, I give you the understanding you need to see how these 2 innate biases are negatively affecting your own marriage, and share how you can rise above them by consciously choosing to not fall under their spell–so you can feel so much more of all the good stuff in your marriage, and have a love that lasts for the long haul.
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075 You’ve been listening to this podcast (or other ones on relationships), reading books, learning about how to have the kind of marriage you want. You're trying out new approaches. But you aren't seeing as much change as you wish…and you feel frustrated, or discouraged, or at the least, not as hopeful about things as you want to feel. Maybe you even feel like you want to quit bothering with all the effort.
If so, you are very likely making 1 simple little error: not recognizing, let alone celebrating, your successes!
This oh-so-common error comes from the wiring of our human brain (yet again!) and it seriously undermines our capacity to grow and change things in ourselves and in our marriage.
Luckily there’s a simple (and joyful) fix. One that leads to gaining deep and rapid improvement in your marriage.
In this episode I lay it all out for you and help you start seeing your success and celebrating your growth, so you can create the marriage you really want with your partner, and have fun –and a rich sense of meaning– along the way.
Don’t miss this one.
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076 Today I’m sharing with you the 3 phases we go through to get to a mature love that lasts in our marriage.
Often we don't understand or recognize the phase we’re in, that it is normal, and what we can do to move our relationship through the harder phase and into the place that is most deeply alive and loving–and so we miss out on ever getting there.
Today, that all changes!
In this episode I help you understand what phase you are in now, so you can not be careless or get discouraged, and so you can ultimately transition most smoothly into the deeply unwaveringly, lasting, loving marriage you truly want.
If you aren’t so happy in your marriage, or you feel sorta bored, or are struggling, if you have more fights than you’d like, more annoyance and resentment, more distance and disconnection...or perhaps you're feeling resigned to never feeling happy and satisfied, or are even thinking about leaving, or longing for early days…
This is a normal phase. It doesn’t mean something has gone wrong! It’s a phase you can move beyond.
But I promise, you don't really want to go back to the early days. You want to move forward into the days of Re-enchantment. And you can.
Listen in to hear all about it, and what it takes to move into the best phase of your marriage, one that will not be a “phase”, but the place you stay for life.
Get the HSHM Podcast Map, so you can quickly identify the episodes most helpful for your unique relationship, by supporting the podcast (for as little as $3) HERE.
How To Invite Him To Improve Your Marriage With You
00:34:12
You want to feel like your partner is your teammate in making this marriage better. But you may sometimes (or often) feel alone in doing that work, or it seems he avoids working on certain aspects of your marriage–even if you’ve asked him to. You're not quite sure what it takes to sway the tides and get him improving your marriage by your side.
I have been here, too. But I learned how to change all of that! Now I never feel I’m alone in doing what it takes to make our marriage great. It is a truly sweet thing to see your significant other pro-actively growing and working by your side to improve things between you.
That’s why I want you to know the secret to inviting him to improve things with you–and having him accept your invitation, of course!
That's what we dive into in this episode. We first look at what NOT to do, and how often our normal approach to getting his support in changing things actually leads to him resisting doing it. Then we dive deep into what you actually need to do to get him on board.
And it’s not about saying just the right thing, though words are part of it. The key is something deeper, something that you can unlock inside of yourself that will open the door to him wanting to improve things, too.
Let me lay it out for you, so you can make the changes in you that will lead to him contributing more than ever to having a marriage with you that deepens in its loving sensitivity, intimacy, connection, and mutual support the longer you’re together.
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079 Most of us limit ourselves (unconsciously, of course!) from feeling as much love as we could in our marriages. We therefore not only miss out on all the love available, but we also miss out on the benefits it brings to our marriages, and to our own selves–of which there are SO many, especially for you as a highly sensitive person.
Now, you may want to feel more love, but you may also feel like it’s not really up to you. That how much love you feel is contingent on how loving your husband is. You may tend to only experience feeling love when it’s easy to do so, and not so much when your husband does things that make it hard to love.
Today, my friend, we begin to change all of this. Because love is always available to you, and you can even love what is hard to love (only if you want to, of course!). But it is a skill you may need to learn, so it can become habit–or simply natural to you.
When you make a habit of loving without conditions, only good can come of it.
Listen in to this episode to find out what I mean, how it can bring out the gift of your sensitivity, and how you can be empowered to have so much more love in your marriage and life–no matter what your husband is or isn’t doing– by no longer withholding love unconsciously, and instead making unrestricted love a regular and deeply nurturing part of your life.
ENJOYING THE SHOW?
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078 This episode offers you encouragement and an important reminder that I know I used to need often, myself. This could be a great episode to listen to with your partner, if they are willing.
Growing up in this world, it is hard to escape taking on certain basic ideas about marriage and love—ones, unfortunately, that are not only wrong, but also actually prevent us from having the deeply loving and healthy marriages most of us want.
Today I spin those ideas on their head for you and offer you the shame-relieving truth about what it takes to have the kind of marriage you want and deserve.
If you want your marriage to pull out of the hard place it may be in these days, or if you want to take it from okay to amazing, this episode offers you the most fundamental and important key to doing so. You'll take away from it lots of fresh motivation and inspiration and hope to fuel the changes you want. Don’t miss it.
ENJOYING THE SHOW?
Get the HSHM Podcast Map, so you can quickly identify the episodes most helpful for your unique relationship, by supporting the podcast (for as little as $3) HERE.
If you’ve been listening to this podcast at all, it's because you’re an Highly Sensitive Person who wants to make things better, and stay great, in your relationship or marriage.
If so, it’s important that you understand the two modes we, as HSPs, need to move back and forth between in order to best grow, change, and shift things between us and our significant other (and keep things really healthy).
If we only stay in one of these modes, we will have a much harder time improving our marriages (and any area of our life!).
In this episode, I clue you into what these two modes are, and how you can honor both in order to have the marriage you really want with your partner–and truly, to best make any changes you want in your life as a sensitive soul.
ENJOYING THE SHOW?
Get the HSHM Podcast Map, so you can quickly identify the episodes most helpful for your unique relationship, by supporting the podcast (for as little as $3) HERE.
As a highly sensitive woman, you likely love –and want more—emotional intimacy. So you will want to know what creates it between two people, and what leads you further from it in your marriage.
In this episode, I share the gold on all of it, and let you in on how to create more emotional intimacy with your husband—even without his active participation.
We look together at:
What prevents or erodes intimacy in a long-term relationship,
where it really comes from,
the 2 modes you must operate from to build more of it between you and your significant other,
and a couple of surprising not-talked-about truths about what creating that deep loving intimacy really entails--including the very biggest key to it of all.
You’ll walk away with so much more clarity on how to bring the love-sustaining nourishment of emotional intimacy into your own marriage. Don’t miss this episode.
ENJOYING THE SHOW?
Get the HSHM Podcast Map, so you can quickly identify the episodes most helpful for your unique relationship, by supporting the podcast (for as little as $3) HERE.
As highly sensitive people (HSPs), we are more sensitive to all the things than non-HSPs. Because of this, some popular advice for HSPs can tend toward finding environments and external circumstances that will support our sensitive systems.
That's all fine and good when we can control such things. But when it comes to other people–especially our partner–we can't usually make them “suit” us. We can’t control the “circumstance” of what they do or say. (But boy do some of us try--and it backfires almost always in marriage– ask me how I know!)
In fact, in general, relying on changing external circumstances to be well and happy leaves us quite powerless.
The good news is that you don't actually have to change circumstances to feel great in your marriage, especially once you’ve developed Emotional Agency–in other words, once you’ve learned how to free your emotions from the circumstances outside of you, and be in charge of them from within.
Then you no longer need to try to change or control your significant other (or other things in the world you simply don't have the power to control) in order to feel how you want to feel–and have a great marriage.
In today's episode, I share with you a favorite simple tool, called The Model, to start developing this —a tool that will go a huge way in helping you be very empowered around feeling fulfilled, light, connected, and like a team in your relationship with your significant other –without getting him to change at all.
ENJOYING THE SHOW?
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083 Want to be able to guide yourself and your marriage into a place of more love, more connection, more light-heartedness and mutual supportiveness (or what I call the land of Real-Enchantment–or lasting love)? Today I introduce you to a tool that will help you do just that!
Because, the truth is, after some years of marriage or partnership, it can take some self-guidance to connect to real love for our partner , and STAY there. The kind of love we want in our marriages isn’t just bestowed upon us magically until the end of time. But it can be lovingly cultivated and deepened until it is sustained.
Enter The Love Spectrum Scale, an awareness tool that will help you guide yourself and your marriage ever-more towards the loving, alive, heart-fulfilling experience you want it to be.
In this episode, you will learn what the Love Spectrum Scale is, how to make a personal usable version of your own, how to begin using it to help yourself tap into the full range of the most useful emotions in relationships in order to not only make the harder moments in your life with your significant other easier, but to be able to interact with your partner in ways that make your marriage better every day.
ENJOYING THE SHOW?
Get the HSHM Podcast Map, so you can quickly identify the episodes most helpful for your unique relationship, by supporting the podcast (for as little as $3) HERE.
If you sometimes (or often) feel like your marriage is more of a business partnership than a romantic relationship, or you go through long phases when things feel kind of dry and dull and between you and your significant other, this episode is a must-listen.
It’s so easy– with all the do-to’s of running a life together with careers, a home to take care of, children, extended family, and pets–to fall into spending most of airtime with your partner talking about what needs to get done.
Speaking from experience, this, over time, can make your marriage metaphorically shift from being like a juicy mango, to more like a dry piece of toast.
Since I know that's not what you want your marriage to feel like, it’s time to put an end to that now.
Today you will learn one key practical logistical thing you can do, broken down into 4 simple steps, that will not just make your lives together more organized and efficient, but will actually clear the way for a lot more intimacy, connection, and sense of allyship in your marriage.
ENJOYING THE SHOW?
Get the HSHM Podcast Map, so you can quickly identify the episodes most helpful for your unique relationship, by supporting the podcast (for as little as $3) HERE.
Using Your Time To Support The Marriage And Life You Want
00:39:05
085 We have a limited amount of time in our lives. But how we use our time will determine how fulfilling our lives are–and how fulfilling our marriages are.
If we have a mindset that time is scarce, or there's too much to do (which can be really common for us as highly sensitive women )we will keep ourselves from prioritizing the things that most matter to us. . .
. . . and end up with a life–and a love life– that is lacking in nourishment, love, connection, joy, and all the things we truly desire, and that bring us the greatest meaning.
So if your marriage isn’t as fulfilling and loving as you want it to be, and if your life isn’t as rich and nourishing as you want it to be, it's time to take a look at how you are thinking about and using your time.
In this episode, we dive into:
determining what really matters to you,
noticing whether you are using your time in service of what you most care about,
and how you can shift the way you relate to time in a way that makes it possible for you to actually bring to life the marriage (and other life goals) you really want.
Buckle up, grab a pen, and be ready to move into a new era of approaching your day-to-day life in a way that's way more aligned with what most matters to you, and that will lead to a future of way more love and fulfillment.
ENJOYING THE SHOW?
Get the HSHM Podcast Map, so you can quickly identify the episodes most helpful for your unique relationship, by supporting the podcast (for as little as $3) HERE.
086 Pleasure, feeling good, sex, and enjoying being in our bodies are such wonderful, beneficial, and important parts of marriage…(and, really, being human beings!). I mean, why bother being married if there' s no pleasure to be had in it?
Bringing MORE pleasure into our lives than many of us have currently is revolutionary, not just for our marriages, but for our world. Our pleasure benefits our marriages-- and so much more!
Today I talk with a very special guest, Danielle Savory, Sex and Pleasure Coach for women–and fellow highly sensitive woman!-- about how to bring more pleasure into your sex life and your life in general, and WHY it changes everything for the better.
Listen in to hear us dive into (with lots of laughter, stories, and fun facts):
What true pleasure actually is– and isn't.
Why prioritizing pleasure as women is so impactful on our own wellbeing, our love lives, and in our current world –and some of the science behind it.
What blocks us from allowing ourselves the tons of pleasure available all around and what gets in the way of having more sexual pleasure in our intimate relationship.
How we can open up to more pleasure in the bedroom and in general in our lives, including simple mindset shifts and practices you can apply today.
How your sensitivity can help you have more pleasure.
A few great tips for better sex as hsp women!
And more…
This episode is essential listening for any sensitive woman wanting to have a great marriage and to feel better in life–and, by doing so, even contribute to a better world.
ENJOYING THE SHOW?
Get the HSHM Podcast Map, so you can quickly identify the episodes most helpful for your unique relationship, by supporting the podcast (for as little as $3) HERE.
087 For most of us highly sensitive women, the ultimate marriage would be one that feels truly, lovingly, interdependent.
Where you and your significant other are mutually supportive, you face the daily challenges of living together with a sense of ally-ship, where you lean on each other, and love helping each other grow and evolve and overcome hard moments and old wounds, where you naturally lift each other up, and the daily to-dos get done with ease and collaboration…where you work through hard emotions together and you help each other feel connected and safe.
We all want this kind of relationship. But in our eagerness to have that, we often make the mistake that costs us our happiness in marriage–or even our marriage itself..
...the mistake of skipping over the KEY WORK that will actually allow us to have that interdependent love we so desire.
And so we unconsciously find ourselves instead in an emotionally dependent relationship, instead–one that is full of struggles, disconnection, and more heartache than we ever asked for.
In this episode you’ll learn:
what I mean by emotional dependence,
if and where you may be falling into that (very normal in our modern world) trap,
why it’s taking you further from the marriage you really want,
why there’s no need for any shame or self-blame about this
and most importantly, what you can do to reverse it and move your marriage toward the lovingly interdependent one you want! (And YES, you have that power!)
Listen in to harness thathuge influence over how your marriage goes, how loved, secure, and in love you feel, and how lovingly and supportively your partner relates to you.
And perk your ears for the big announcement I make that you’ll want to learn all about!
ENJOYING THE SHOW?
Get the HSHM Podcast Map, so you can quickly identify the episodes most helpful for your unique relationship, by supporting the podcast (for as little as $3) HERE.
The Power of Self-Love To Heal a Hurting Relationship; Kim’s Story
00:44:09
088 We’ve all heard how Self-Love is important, but actually loving ourselves often remains very mysterious and elusive. So we are embarking today on a series all about self-love––because it is such an essential part of having a great marriage, especially as a highly sensitive person…and I want YOU to reap the huge rewards of having lots of it!
My clients actually develop real self-love. And a few of them have agreed to come on the podcast to share their wisdom and experience with self-love with you, so you can begin developing it more, too.
Today, my client, Kim, shares her experience of love and life before and after developing real self-love, and offers some really great wisdom around it for you.
Listen in to hear:
Why she was averse to self-love at first and why is she swears by it now.
How developing self love not only seriously benefited her, but how it improved her relationship –and benefitted her fiancé, too.
How it ripples out to lots of others in her world, too
How incredibly well she fared by doing the work to develop self-love through the traumatic experience of infidelity (betrayal trauma)—as compared to the “norm”.
What self-love entails
Tips Kim has for you to develop more of it
Nuances in self-love for HSPs.
How this is a huge piece of Leading Love in your marriage and creating a Revolution of Love in your marriage–and entire life.
Kim and I are both excited for you to hear her story, and take away practical insights and emotional shifts around self-love, too. Join us as we laugh, muse, ponder, and actually cry joy-tears together in this powerful interview!
ENJOYING THE SHOW?
Get the HSHM Podcast Map, so you can quickly identify the episodes most helpful for your unique relationship, by supporting the podcast (for as little as $3) HERE.
Loving Yourself To More Love In Your Marriage (7 Keys)
00:57:45
089 As you may have heard, self-love is key to having deep lasting love and harmony between you and your spouse–in SO many ways.
I know you may get that– in theory! But too many highly sensitive people leave it at that--just theory. Understanding this intellectually does not give you what you need to actually FEEL and LIVE FROM that self-love– nor benefit from all it makes possible for you in your marriage and life.
And, truth be told, you may not really even know what it MEANS to have self love. I know I was confused for a long time about it, myself.
So today I want to help you:
understand what self-love is (and isn’t),
why it matters in your marriage
why it’s normal to lack self-love as an HSP (it’s not your fault!) and why we as adults need to learn how to have this deep fondness for ourselves.
understand 7 robust keys to actually develop bone deep self-love, so you can have a marriage you LOVE.
I also share my own experience of love and relationships when I lived with a lack of self love, and how my marriage and life changed drastically for the way-better when I developed it.
Developing real self love takes learning, practice, and letting go of a lot that gets in the way of FEELing it in your bones. But it is one of the most worthwhile things you will EVER do for yourself, your marriage, and your entire experience of life.
These 7 keys will get you on the right path, starting today.
This is a hearty, powerful, essential episode, so do not miss it. And bring a pen, you may want to take notes!
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UPDATED APRIL 2024! If you are at all curious about or interested in what coaching can do for you and your relationship, or even what it IS, this bonus episode will help clarify that, and what my specific version of it, for highly sensitive people, is all about. Since I have changed a few things over the years in what and how I offer marriage coaching, I wanted to update you about those changes as well as help answer some common questions about it all.
So listen in to here the answers to these questions (I recommend listening to the full episode, but you can also pick and choose which question you want to hear the answer for by jumping to that time in the episode, noted by each question):
What is marriage/relationship coaching and Hannah’s program, Treasured? (@ 4 mins)
Who is it for? (@ 7 mins 10 seconds)
Why is Treasured different and will it work if other things haven't? (@10 mins 15 seconds)
Can my partner and our relationship really change if it’s only me working on my end of things? (@18 mins 25 secs)
Why a group program for such a personal thing? Will I be helped as much as I would be in 1:1? (@ 22 mins 51 secs)
What are the specifics of how it works? (29:45)
Why would I do a coaching program, instead of just doing it on my own, like from the podcast? (33:48)
How do I enroll? (36:09)
Can I talk to you before committing? (37:11)
If you want a happier, more fulfilling, loving dynamic between you and your spouse, you’ve got to find out how coaching can help. Listen in.
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090 Once we get married, most of us stop having any goals in our marriages. This is one reason marriages often slowly get worse over time, instead of better.
Setting marriage goals, and working towards them is a key to actually making your marriage what you want and having the experiences of love, connection, intimacy and fun you most long for. And can be done in a fun and self-honoring way.
But here's the thing: we are often (subconsciously or consciously) very resistant to setting and especially working towards goals.
This leaves us continuing to have the same old problems in our marriages–or to them getting worse and worse over time, until we feel truly stuck in an unhappy marriage.
But you can change that easily, by understanding:
what goals will do for your marriage,
why our human brains resist them,
and what you can do to overcome and work with your brain –so you can start really changing things in the best of ways in your marriage.
In this episode, you’ll get a 4 step process to set your goals for your marriage and actually reach them, without letting the normal obstacles that come up get in your way (i.e lack of clarity, doubt, discomfort, fear, and our brains innate laziness).
You don’t have to be one of the people who avoid the short-lived discomfort of working towards a goal, only to be left with a lifetime of discomfort in their marriage. No, today we get you all set up to make your marriage one of lifelong love and happiness that GROWs overtime. Don't miss this episode!
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How Self-Love=Better Communication; Kathryn's Story
00:30:19
Today we have another special guest –my client Kathryn! In this episode she shares a bit of the story of her journey from feeling really stuck in her marriage and unhappy with herself –what we playfully called, “I suck syndrome”--to feeling much happier with herself and her marriage.
Her story is a great example of how a highly sensitive woman– with classic HSP challenges in relationship–can really improve her marriage by working on herself.
She illustrates how you can transform your relationship with yourself, and therefore your communication and ways of relating to your partner (and your whole life), that will lead to way more fun, connection and happiness.
We dive into:
What NOT loving herself looked like, felt like, and how it affected her marriage
How things have shifted for her in terms of her emotions, her marriage, and her general enjoyment of life, now that she’s come a long way in accepting herself and bringing in more self-love.
What she did to really improve the communication in her marriage so both her and her husband have much better conversation about the things that matter.
How she went from being defended to being vulnerable, and how that led to more connection with her husband.
A couple great practices that really worked for her to help her make these big changes in herself and her marriage.
And more!
Kathryn is down to earth and has a straightforward way of articulating things that will help you get more insight into what self-love really is, what it entails to develop it, and how it will improve everything for the better in your life when you do.
You’ll take away so much from this conversation!
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Communicate In A Way That Gets Through To Your Husband (3 Keys)
00:40:06
092 You want to get through to your husband about things that matter to you in your relationship. You want his understanding, empathy, support– and more connection.
But maybe you’re frustrated, because it doesn't always go over so well when you try to communicate about it. Maybe he gets defensive, or argumentative, or shut down.
This is because you both have patterning that isn’t supportive of the best communication and easy flow of support and connection.
But that can change. You can learn to communicate in a way that is most effective at getting through to him, and opening his heart.
In this episode, I share 3 specific powerful keys as to how you can do that, (they really work!) and help you understand why he isn’t always so good at hearing you, acting on your requests, or meeting those desires of yours (hint: it has to do with shame and conditioning that has wounded him).
Don't miss this episode if you want to communicate in a way that touches your husband's true humanity, opens his heart, and has him hearing you —and ultimately being who he really is and who he really WANTS to be with you, the woman he loves.
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BONUS:The Best Love Comes From Understanding Your Own Brain and Nervous System
00:35:08
Today I am doing something different: giving you a DIRECTORY of episodes to help you understand and work with the most influential thing in your marriage: your own brain and nervous system.
Because I want you to have the best kind of love in your marriage–and I want it to last.
The best news is that being able to have that is in large part about what goes on in you.
Most marriage-unhappiness actually comes from a lack of understanding of how our brains and nervous systems work and how to be in charge of them –how to guide them in such a way that you create a much more loving relationship with your partner.
In other words, your own brain and nervous system are the biggest obstacles to the relationship you want, AND the biggest source of the love you want, as well…
… when you UNDERSTAND how they work and what they need to support them into it…
Today, in this bonus episode, I share why and how that is so, and give you a short directory of which of my podcast episodes will actually help you understand your brain and nervous system and help you begin to USE these amazingly powerful “tools” FOR the love you want in your marriage–and for a life you love.
Dig in!
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093 Conflict is part of marriage. But how much or how little it's a part of yours, and how hurtful or helpful it is to your marriage depends on how conflict-proof your marriage is.
It will come up LESS often, and it will even be GOOD for your marriage, instead of pulling you into a downward spiral, when your marriage is very conflict-proof.
But what does that even mean? And how do you conflict-proof your marriage as a highly sensitive person?
Dive into this episode, and I will tell you all about it, and give you 4 keys to making your marriage super conflict-proof–even as an HSP who would prefer to not even hear the word conflict!
These 4 keys will help you as stop lots of conflicts before they even start, keep conflict from flaring up nearly as often with your husband, make conflict so much easier to navigate when it happens, and help the conflicts that do come up be beneficial to your marriage, deepening the security and love you feel together over time.
If everyone understood and LIVED these 4 keys, not only would our marriages be so much more loving and successful, but our whole world would be such a better place. I can’t wait for you to hear and implement these keys.
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094 As highly sensitive women, we tend to be pretty conscientious and pretty great at caring about others.
But sometimes we care about and do so much for others that we overlook caring for ourselves.
I call this Overcare–when you meet others' needs at your own expense–and I see it all the time in marriages…
While it’s well-intentioned, overcare is detrimental to not just you, but to your marriage and your significant other (and even your kids). It leads to resentment, an ongoing sense of burden, and the fun and lightheartedness leaking away in your marriage.
In this episode, we look at:
why Overcare is so common for HSP women,
where it comes from,
what it looks like and how to spot it,
what you can do to start shifting this long held pattern, so you can feel more connected, nourished, and light in your marriage, and just generally make things so much better in your life.
Ever felt like your needs aren’t being met? Then this is a MUST listen episode!
I share my own and some of my sensitive clients experiences with being enmeshed in overcare and what life is like now that they are free of it. (Hint: So much more FREE and happy–like I want you to be!)
Listen in.
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095 It’s a rare Highly Sensitive Person that enjoys conflict – most of us are pretty averse to it!
Because it’s uncomfortable! Lots of big feelings can come up. It can bring old stuff up from the past…and you can go into fight or flight or freeze mode. When it's happening, it can even feel like things are going to fall apart between you and your husband. So I get it if you tend to want to avoid it at all costs.
But, rather than helping you avoid conflict or have peace in your marriage, being averse to conflict actually leads to MORE conflict — both internally and between you and your significant other— and less closeness and connection overtime.
You can feel so much more comfort and ease when it comes to conflict—and this doesn't mean you will have more of them in your life! You will actually have less conflicts and issues in your marriage, as you will see today.
In this episode I share all about:
Why and how conflict aversion makes our experience of conflict worse and more damaging to your relationship
Why conflict is harder as an HSP
My own bad experience and healing journey around conflict
and the 5 steps you can take to actually create so much more comfort with conflict, so it can HELP your marriage instead of hurting it.
This episode is essential listening if you want your experience of conflict to be so much easier, so conflicts can stop being bigger problems than they need to be, and you can turn conflicts into conversations that actually lead to solutions and feeling closer with your partner and like a team in life together.
Dive in.
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096 In the world of relationship improvement, “needs” gets used a whole lot! If you are using it in your own mind or saying it to your partner a lot, it makes sense...you were taught to.
But often when we say needs what we are really talking about is a want. We get these two terms mixed up–and it’s not good for our own emotional well-being, or our marriage, leading to all sorts of power struggles, feelings of resentment, disappointment, and helplessness to make things good between you.
In fact, having confusion about the difference–and where our needs and wants get met– can be the downfall of many relationships that would otherwise thrive.
So today we are going to bust some of this confusion apart and get you some real clarity about the difference between wants and needs in your marriage.
We will also dive into where your true power is to get your emotional needs met–and some of the specific differences you might, as a highly sensitive women, have to address around this–so you can have agency over your experience in your relationship–and a better marriage for the rest of your life!
What I share today may challenge what you’ve been taught and believed up until now, but it will change everything in your marriage for the better.
If you want a light, loving, connected marriage, where you actually enjoy your partner and feel consistently secure and fulfilled , then this is essential listening for you.
Dig in.
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097 Your wants and needs can be met in your relationship–even if they aren’t right now. Last episode we clarified the difference between want and a need– and it is required listening before diving into this one.
In this episode, we look more in depth at getting your WANTS met in your relationship (think of it as part 2 on fulfilling your wants and needs in your marriage).
You’ll come away knowing the top 2 things you need to really understand to get your wants and needs met, what a Non-Negotiable Want is, and why self-worth (or being important to yourself) is an essential part of having your wants fulfilled.
In this episode, you’ll also actually develop more self-worth and clarity on what your personal non-negotiable wants are–so you can call them into your life.
I illustrate all of it with a very personal example from a hard time my husband and I went through this summer––and share what I did to make it so we came out stronger than ever, so now I’m not just getting my needs met, but my wants, as well!
Listen in to find out how you can, too!
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098 Your values are a huge factor in your marriage happiness and fulfillment.
Unfortunately, it's all too easy to not be very conscious of what our values actually are, if the ones we live by currently are serving us, what we want our values to be, or if we ourselves are living out values that serve us well in our marriage (often, instead we can fall into noticing where our partner isn’t living our values).
But when you do some work around your core values in relationship you will have a lot more power to make your marriage one you feel so good about.
So in this episode, we take a look at:
Why your values matter
The negative impact on our relationships and happiness when we don't get clear about and take responsibility for living our own values–and so by accident live out values that don't serve us or our marriage.
WHO needs to live your values for your marriage thrive.
Where to focus when it comes to infusing your marriage with your values.
What to know if your partner's values and your own are different
Then we go through a whole process (and I point you to a worksheet I made for you to support this process) to help you bring your top core values alive in your marriage for a more loving, fulfilling, joyful marriage.
If you listen in and implement what I share today, not only will you alleviate a lot of unnecessary discord, but you will be leading the way to a culture of respect, love, and integrity-- and more of all the things you truly value as an HSP-- right into the heart of your relationship.
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099 If you’re an HSP and your partner doesn't understand what High sensitivity is and how it impacts you and your relationship, it can make things between you harder.
You’ve been listening and learning all about sensitivity and having a great marriage as a Highly Sensitive Person. But you still feel your partner doesn't understand you or your sensitivity sometimes. I made this episode to change that: it’s for your partner to listen to, if they are willing. Or even better: listen together.
When BOTH of you are educated about high sensitivity it will make a big difference in your relationship.
This episode will help him learn about the trait, how it affects you and things in your relationship, and how he can not just understand you better, but also support you and work WITH your sensitivity to make your marriage one of the best ones possible!
Listen in as we cover the research-based facts about the trait, how it affects you and your marriage, and what HE can do to ensure more love, connection, understanding, and happiness in your relationship.
If you’re having a hard time convincing him to listen, I give you some tips to help in the first few minutes of the podcast. And if he still won’t–I’ve got tips for you, too.
There’s lots to gain from this golden episode for your marriage.
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It’s episode 100!!! And we are celebrating with a special conversation with my very own husband about what it takes for you, as a sensitive person, and your partner to have a marriage you LOVE for the long-haul.
He and I dive into a few of our keys to keeping our marriage “real-enchanted” (fun, passionate, and loving despite being real–and flawed– humans living real, messy lives.) We cover:
How we have a marriage we both feel so good in–and yet, we still experience real human relationship difficulties at times. But we let those times bring us closer together, instead of further apart–and how you can do this, too.
How we went through a hard phase this summer and what we learned from it together and individually–that is so relevant for all HSP couples.
How we choose to focus on what we love about each other more than what we don’t like so much–and how you can do this, too.
How, throughout our marriage, we have continued to keep alive a sense of excitement and eagerness about our future together–and how you can do this, too.
Join us for this light-hearted but serious conversation with a real-life couple who truly loves the marriage they have created! You’ll laugh and go aha right along with us.
If you missed episode 25, Interview With My Husband: Growing An Amazing Marriage With An HSP give that a listen, too.
To help me CELEBRATE this 100th episode, if you’ve been enjoying this podcast, please leave a review on apple podcasts. Thank you so much and cheers!
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Successful Gestures of Connection (The Overlooked Key)
00:28:11
101 If you want more connection, love, and joy between you and your partner, but you're often disappointed, frustrated, resentful or irritated with your significant other, you're definitely going to want to listen to this episode.
We are diving into what has been researched to be the #1 thing happy couples do to keep their marriage fulfilling, connected, and strong for life: Making regular gestures of connection, as I call them. But there is something overlooked in the research that will make or break whether these gestures of connection work successfully in YOUR marriage.
All too often these gestures of connection don’t make the impact they could. Because they just won't work if you are emotionally not truly open to connection–and the truth is, so many of us aren’t a lot of the time–and don't know how to get back to that place where you are able to both offer and receive these gestures of connection.
But you can change that, and therefore tap into the power of these gestures of connection to make your marriage one that deepens in love, intimacy–and all things good–over time.
So today I share:
What these gestures of connection look like
How they benefit you and your marriage
How just doing them superficially can actually backfire
What the common obstacles are that keep you from being able to harness the marriage enhancing power of these gestures of connection
what you really need to make this key actually have the positive impact on your marriage they are touted to.
Ways to shift back into the emotional states that make these gestures so successful for so many couples.
In fact, what I share here isn’t just the key to making these gestures of connection work for your marriage's success, but it’s key to the success of ALL the expert communication and connection building strategies.
In other words, nothing will make your marriage the loving one you want as deeply, powerfully, and quickly as developing the skills of guiding yourself out of emotional states that are closed to connection, and into ones that grow connection, as I share here today. So dive in!
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Stop Taking Things So Personally In Your Relationship As An HSP (3 Keys)
00:43:08
102 Ever felt that stinging (or punch-in-the-gut) feeling when your partner says or does something hurtful? Or maybe it’s something he doesn't do that leads to you feeling like he just doesn’t care. Like you don’t matter. Like you aren’t loved.
For highly sensitive women, this is oh-so-common.
It may very well be true that your partner could be more skillful in his interactions with you. At the same time, so much of the hurt you feel in these moments comes from taking things personally.
Which you can put an end to NOW.
And you want to. Because taking things personally doesn't just hurt–it costs us big time in our intimate relationships, leading to all sorts of AVOIDABLE pain and diminishment of affection and connection.
The good news is you can learn to not take things so personally. And it will free you up to have way more of the support, connection and loving intimacy you want with your partner. Listen in as I share how.
I used to take all sorts of things personally, and it hurt me and my marriage. I spent years learning how to put an end to that unnecessary pain, and replace it with the closeness, ease and love I want between my husband and I. I want that for you to.
In this episode, I dive into 3 big keys to stop taking things so personally so you can feel less hurt and more love everyday of your life.
And don't miss the announcement about the new course to make your habit of taking things personally a thing of the past for you.
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103 Ready to start the New Year off on the most love-empowering foot, for REAL positive change in your marriage?
The most powerful way to do that (actually the only way to do that) is by taking super-responsibility for all you can in your marriage–in particular the pain or unhappiness you are experiencing.
Doesn’t sound like fun? I’ve heard that before from other sensitive people. And it’s the reason so many people don't take responsibility–and therefore lose out majorly on having the kind of loving fulfilling marriage they want.
That doesn't have to be you.
In this episode I share how taking responsibility for your experience in your relationship can be the most EMPOWERING experience— instead of it feeling crappy! In fact, you can make this key to great love FUN.
Dive in to hear:
My definition of self-responsibility and what it means to be 100% self-responsible
How, if you live without it, it will cost you love, connection, happiness, fulfillment, laughter, joy and passion in your relationship.
why it’s like winning the lasting-love-lottery once you learn to really do it, giving you way more power than you ever knew you had to make your marriage the best it can be.
The totally avoidable mistake people make that leads to it feeling bad
What the people who are good at it have that others don’t (you can develop this!)
How to make it feel empowering, fun and totally rewarding, so you can GROW the love, connection, happiness, fulfillment, laughter, joy and passion in your relationship.
Honestly, I can’t believe I didn't make this episode for you sooner! It’s one not to miss-–giving you the biggest foundational key to breaking through to long-term happiness in love.
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104 Being honest and authentic with your partner is important to intimacy–but being transparent, authentic and open (TAO) with yourself is even more important if you want to have a relationship you feel great in!
I want this to be the year your marriage changes for the better forever.
So let’s start it off on the right foot: with a TAO process that helps you take a clear-eyed look at yourself in your relationship over the past year, and helps you decide how and if you want to adjust anything on your side of the street this year--so you can be set up for the most success you've ever had at making your marriage the best it can be this year.
Because a marriage that grows in peace, fun, connection, loving team-ship and intimacy can’t happen if you aren't willing to look at yourself: how you act, the choices you make, the ways you interact –and most especially– the ways you THINK.
If you want to have any sway over your experience in love and the way your marriage goes…you must be able and willing SEE your mind.
In this episode I dive into why and exactly how to do this, along with a process to get the ball rolling right now.
Grab your pen and perk your ears–because this is the beginning of the most influence you’ve ever had over how happy, living and fulfilling your marriage is.
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The 3 Simple Things You Must Be Able To Do To Have An Amazing Marriage
00:31:21
The ESSENCE of what it takes to have a good–even amazing –marriage is not complex– its actually very simple. So in this episode, I boil down EVERYTHING I teach my clients to do–and everything I have done to make my marriage the amazing loving thriving one it is– into the 3 things you must do to have the same. Just 3!
Because I want you to see how simple it really is.
That said, DOING them may not be “easy”. Which is why I take my clients through a 4 step process that breaks the 3 things down into easy, digestible, do-able steps.
So in this episode we dive into:
The 3 simple things you must be able to do to have a great marriage–the WHAT you need to do to make your marriage loving, supportive, affectionate and fun
How seeing how simple it is benefits you,
How simple doesn't necessarily equal easy
A deeper overview of the 3 things and why they are so key to a great marriage.
How my 4 step process gives you the HOW of these 3 things (teaches you how you actually DO the 3 simple things!)
What will make being able to do the 3 things so much easier, so you can reap the huge rewards of your marriage becoming the way more loving, connected, light-hearted one you want it to be.
Listen in. You will come away with a clarity that has likely been missing up until now.
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Grievance: The Biggest Barrier To A Loving Marriage
00:29:49
106 Feel resentful towards your partner sometimes?
Find it hard to let go of his small or large wrongdoings –or things he’s done in the past?
If so, you’re holding onto grievance–and it’s like a poison that’s eating away at you and your emotional well being, and preventing true happiness in your long-term relationship.
So long as grievance and resentment are a regular part of your experience in your relationship, you will NOT be able to have teh love and connection you really want.
In this episode, I dive into:
Why grievance is such a problem, and how much it costs us in our marriages
What keeps us stuck in it
How to tell if you are holding onto grievance
Why it’s not just a problem in your marriage, but a planetary problem– one you can be part of the solution for.
What you can do about it to free yourself from it’s toxicity,
My 5 step process that will help you open your marriage back up to the loving intimacy you truly want.
Listen in now to begin overcoming this huge barrier to the marriage you want–and the WORLD you want.
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PMS and Perimenopause in Relationships as HSPs With Christine Maccarroll
00:50:58
107 If you’ve ever experienced the wonky hormones of PMS or perimenopause, you know they can impact how you feel and act with your loved ones–especially your significant other. And if you’re highly sensitive, the effect of these hormonal times can be extra hard.
If, at certain times of month, you feel more irritable, snippy, and averse to your husband, if you tend to have more arguments, or feel more easily hurt or don’t feel attractive or attracted to you husband, you’re not alone. Many of my clients have shared with me how their relationship is negatively impacted by their hormones, too.
So I brought on a special guest, Functional Nutritionist, Christine Maccarroll, to help you understand what’s going on with your hormones and how you can bring them back into more balance so you can feel better, restore your mood, and have an easier time in your relationship all month long.
Join us as we laugh, empathize, and wonder at the female human physiology, nutrition’s effect on us, and the interrelationship between our personal wellbeing and our marriages well-being.
She gives us simple but highly effective steps we can take to gain back our mood and energy for a better life and marriage through and beyond perimenopause.
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Deeper More Meaningful Conversations With Your Spouse
00:27:19
108 If you’re a classic highly sensitive woman, you love a good deep conversation. But you may find you have less of them than you want to with your significant other.
Today I will help you change that, so you can have more of that intimate connection –via conversation–that you love.
In this episode I share one simple– but powerful –key to engaging your partner in meaningful conversations more regularly, a whole bunch of diving off points, and the preconditions necessary to have them succeed. You will also learn what it takes to invite your (reluctant) partner to be more of a frequent conversationalist himself.
Although deep meaningful conversations are not the only way to bring more closeness and connection into your marriage, they are a rich way to create it. Listen in!
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Helping Your Husband Be There For You When You're Upset
00:24:22
109 Does your partner try to “fix” you when you're sad, or quickly tell you that it will all be okay, make a joke ( or even ignore you)–instead of holding you or sitting lovingly with you while you cry or spill it all out–like you want him to?
This is so common! So, if you don’t feel very emotionally supported by your partner when you are having a hard day or are upset–or if you wish he was more empathetic and caring during those times, this episode is for you!
Being there for you when you are upset is NOT many men’s strong suit.
Today I dive into WHY, so you can not just understand and have a lot more peace around his way of trying to support you, but so you can also help him be better at being there for you in a way that feels good to YOU (and him, too!) during the harder moments of life.
Listen in to hear:
About the real brain differences that make the sensitive caring empathy we love hard for him
3 things to know and remember to feel more loved and supported when you're upset
The exact things to DO to encourage him to be better able to lovingly be there for you in the hard times.
(Keep in mind we aren’t talking today about when you’re upset at him–rather when you are upset about something else in life.)
If you implement everything I suggest in this episode, you can say goodbye to feeling so dismissed, hurt, or uncared for by your husband when you are having a hard time–and BOTH start feeling like the harder times of life actually have the power to bring you closer as a couple.
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110 If you don't feel as appreciated in your relationship as you want to, you are not alone. Lots of highly sensitive women have shared with me that they feel the same. I want to help you turn that around.
Because there's SO much to appreciate in all that you do and all that you are. And I want you to FEEL that. So today I share 5 tips to start shifting the very culture of your marriage into one way more full of appreciation.
We also look at some of the things that can get in the way of being and feeling appreciated–both from your own end and your partner's end–and how to work with these so they don’t get in the way anymore.
The truth is, just because your marriage doesn't feel as appreciative and loving as you want it to, there is nothing that needs to stop you from inviting more of it into your relationship starting today.
To do so, dive into this episode and start harnessing the power of influence you have to make your marriage appreciation-full.
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16 Mar 2023
Strategic Anger
00:29:07
111 Anger is not a bad emotion. It can be a useful fuel for positive change in our relationships. But in our modern relationships, it most often isn't…
That’s because we tend to over-indulge in it, and react out of it. So it ends up doing more harm than good in our marriages.
If you find yourself annoyed, frustrated, resentful, or angry somewhat often at your partner–and you think you may show it (even if only subtly), please know that you are not a bad partner and this is quite normal. Yet, it is most likely not only pushing you and your partner apart, but also diluting any power your anger may have to make things better between you.
If so, it’s time to take a different approach. This doesn't mean eliminating anger, but rather evolving the way you handle it so it can serve you effectively, the way it was meant to.
Dive in to learn about:
How our unconscious defense mechanisms can lead to over-relying on anger in an attempt to improve things
Why, if you're feeling anger often, it's likely because you're in a very normal stage in your relationship–one that you can move beyond, so you can have the love and connection you want.
The 2 kinds of anger–one that hurts and one that heals.
How the way I handled anger really hurt my first marriage—and how the way I handle it now has been a healing force in my own marriage.
How you, too, can begin shifting from the harmful to the helpful type of anger
What ”strategic anger” can do for you and your relationship when you learn to use it.
What you can do instead of getting really angry at your significant other to make positive changes between you.
Tune in to this episode to start building a whole new relationship with your very human emotion of anger–one that will help you have the relationship you really want with your husband.
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112 Many highly sensitive people tend towards perfectionism. Although perfectionism can make us feel successful in certain ways, it actually fuels an exhausting, self-worth-depleting cycle that does more harm than good in our lives and relationships.
Today we dive into the whats, whys and hows of it. We look at WHY we fall into perfectionism (hint–it’s a protective strategy developed early on in life), what it looks like, what it results in in our lives and how it impacts our relationships…
… and the surprising way you can soften its grip on your life and release it. (I tell my own story about this!)
Even if you never thought of yourself as a perfectionist, you may still have some of the tendencies of perfectionism (some of them go hand in hand with high sensitivity) –and be experiencing the fallout effects of them. If so, you will want to be aware of it, so you can start shifting it at the source…
…and so you can feel much more ease, confidence, and loving intimacy within yourself and your marriage.
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113 If you find yourself asking, “Did I marry the wrong person?”, wondering if maybe there is someone better out there for you, or noticing a lot of what is not so great about your partner—or generally feeling dissatisfied with your marriage— this episode is for you.
This is so common as highly sensitive people, not just because our partner's faults tend to loom large to us, but because our society gives us the idea that it's possible to have a perfect partner, a “Mr. Right”.
This seriously (and sneakily) undermines our ability to be happy in our marriage… because every REAL human will ALWAYS fall short. And we will be disappointed and endlessly dissatisfied and longing for something better.
This is what I think of as Marriage Perfectionism. And even if you don't think you're a perfectionist, you may still be under the spell of marriage perfectionism–and having the life sucked out of you and your marriage because of it.
If you want to re-enliven the love, attraction, and joy in your marriage--and make it all LAST– then having an imperfect partner is the BEST opportunity to do so–if you take advantage.
Because the solution isn't your partner being more Mr Right. It’s about you learning to love more perfectly. Listen in to hear all about it.
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114 Are you making excuses for your significant other? Or are you genuinely accepting them and meeting them with understanding? Find out in this episode.
You’ve heard me say it a lot: it IS important to accept our partner for who they are.
But, if accepting them feels to you more like you're resigning yourself to things not feeling good between you, or you feel like you’re having to tolerate bad behavior from your significant other, you may be just making excuses for them-- not genuinely accepting them.
If so, you're doing it wrong. In fact, I have a name for this : disempowered acceptance. And it actually takes away your power of influence to make your marriage better.
So today I want to help you do acceptance right.
Because when you are genuinely accepting your partner, you are actually MORE capable of making improvements and inspiring positive change in your marriage.
I call this Empowered Acceptance.
Dive in to hear me lay it all out. I even share a story from my own marriage that will help you understand how to do it yourself.
SHOW NOTES Want to feel more attraction, desire, and playful connection with your significant other? Then get access to Hannah’s on-demand training, Bring Back the Attraction. Grab it here and tune in soon.
Get the HSHM Podcast Map, so you can quickly identify the episodes most helpful for your unique relationship, by supporting the podcast (for as little as $3) HERE.
Increasing Attraction and Attractiveness in Marriage
00:25:08
115 Attraction. One of the funnest, most vitalizing, magical parts of love relationships. If you are like most women, you WANT to keep it alive in your marriage–or bring it back if it's faded.
And you want it to go both ways: you want to feel attracted to your partner–and feel their attraction to you, too.
Unfortunately, it is very common for feelings of attraction to seemingly fade over time in our intimate relationships. But that does NOT have to be the case for you. You can keep it alive–or bring it back for the long haul.
But it will take learning and intentionality. In this episode, I help you begin that learning, and give you 8 tips on how to be more attractive to your partner. Because of course you want to feel attractive to your spouse. And you may not be feeling that as much as you’d like. Dive in to change that today.
This is just one leg of the journey, though. Because you also want to feel that aliveness of attraction TO your significant other. So I made a special training for you on how to revive it and KEEP it alive, so the joy of mutual attraction can become a permanent part of your lives together. Grab the training here: Bring Back The Attraction; 7 Keys To Sparking More Of That Magical Appeal You Used To Feel.
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Disenchantment In Love (Why You’re There And 3 Tips To Get Out)
00:35:45
116 If you feel like the love you once had in your relationship has faded (a little or a lot), and dissatisfaction and disappointment have moved in, you are in a phase of relationship I call disenchantment. And truth be told, finding yourself here is more the rule than the exception in modern relationships.
But it doesn't have to be.
Today you'll hear the 3 reasons why disenchantment is oh-so-common, especially in sensitive people--and it’s likely not what you think!
You’ll also learn the good news about what finding yourself here means, and get 3 tips to set you up to get out of disenchantment and into a deeper, more fulfilling, more genuine love than ever in your marriage.
If you are tired of being less-than-happy in your marriage, and you’re ready to feel truly hopeful, encouraged, and empowered to bring your marriage alive with love, ease, connection and attraction again, listen in.
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This is a special short episode about the best way to evolve your marriage as a HSP.
In it, you get to hear directly from 3 of my recent highly sensitive Treasured program graduates, Emma, Sonya, and Rockie about the power of healing our relationships in a community of supportive like-minded others.
They share what their experience in the Treasured group was like, how they felt nervous about a group program, what it really ended up feeling like, why it was so transformative, and how it was different and supplemented by their 1:1 coaching with me.
They also dish out some real relationship-changing wisdom!
If you're wondering if getting support to make your marriage better, or if you are even slightly considering joining Treasured now or in a future round, definitely don’t miss this.
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So many highly sensitive women fall into a habit of Overcare (see episode 93 to learn all about it), and it leads to a lot of annoyance, resentment and negativity in their relationships. Some months ago, my client Luanne was no different.
Until she came to work with me. Then she shifted it all, and is now truly enjoying her now husband and her life so much more–and feeling more peaceful than ever…despite life being, well, life.
Listen in as she tells her story and we talk about:
How trying to “make” others happy can make us so unhappy as sensitive people.
How she harnessed the power of her thinking to break out of the life-sucking pattern of overcare and stays peaceful (or gets back there easily–even during difficult life events)
How she makes everyday one she truly enjoys with her man (instead of one that felt negative and hard).
How she changed her thought patterns to have so much more lightness and enjoyment in all her family relationships!!
What shifting these habits took.
How she stopped doing all of the planning and chores herself (and resenting him for it) and worked with her partner to step up more.
How she influences her honey to proactively grow alongside her.
How she incorporates the things she learned and skills she developed though our coaching everyday for more peace, enjoyment and love
How highly sensitive women are so well positioned for having great positive influence in our relationships (and what that takes).
Her words of advice to you to make your marriage one you truly enjoy, too!
All of this is illustrated with tangible easily-relatable stories from her life and relationship.
Luanne talks about the same approaches and tools I do (since I taught her them!) , but in her own way, which will help you understand them in a new light. This conversation has so many little gems of wisdom all throughout, so perk your ears and enjoy this special episode.
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BONUS: In HSP Voices; My Clients Real Relationship Changes
00:30:27
In this special bonus episode, you’ll hear directly from the mouths of past Treasured participants and clients (normal highly sensitive women just like you) about what things were like before coaching with me and how things changed in their marriages by working with me.
Listen in to these inspiring stories and hear their words of encouragement to you!
I hope you’ll leave this episode feeling a lot of hope, a sense of excitement for what’s possible for you ,and some extra inspiration and motivation to make these same kind of changes yourself.
NOTES: If you want to make these kinds of changes yourself, join Treasured. Enrollment ends May 20th. Enroll today.
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Real-Enchantment: From A Rut To Deeper Love Than Ever
00:35:53
118 If you want to avoid falling into a “rut” – or are already in one in your relationship–this episode is for you.
We dive into a short review of why ruts (what I call "disenchantment") happen, and how they are actually just a phase that can, with your help, propel you into something better than ever in your marriage: What I call "Real-Enchantment".
This is a more mature, evolved, deeper, and more genuine love than you’ve known before, where you feel more love and connection and sense of being a team in life than EVER.
It’s what you’ve always wanted– and what I want for you. Listen in to learn:
What it will be like when you get there,
What it takes: the 3 simple things you must get good at to guide your own marriage there
What someone who is on the way to Real-Enchantment–or who is already there– is DOING on the regular
A specific example to illustrate these things from a clients real life
The next steps to learning these things
And why you, as an HSP, are best suited to shift your marriage into Real-enchantment.
It’s so important to have a visual–an idea of what it looks like in real life–to make your marriage into the loving, lighthearted, connected one you want. This episode provides that, and gives you the next tangible steps to take to make this come alive in your own life.
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The Different Types Of Investing In Marriage For Lasting Happiness
00:42:27
119 If you have been listening to this podcast and seeing only small improvements (or none at all ) in your relationship, today’s topic is likely the crucial missing piece for you.
Sadly, this really important topic tends to be MISSING from the conversation about having the kind of relationship we sensitive women really want with our partners–to our marriage’s detriment!
We need to talk about and be honest with ourselves about how much we are investing (and what types and levels of investment are realistic and doable for us personally), in our marriages in order to really make and sustain the changes we want in them.
Because there are different types of investment ( time, energy, $, etc) that we can and need to make to have a great (or even just decent) marriage.
But the reality is not all of us have the same resources available to put into our marriages.
So today let’s:
breakdown the types of investment necessary to have the marriage you want,
talk about why "investing" is essential for lasting love and great relationships
take an honest look at what types of investment you personally have available to you right now,
go over how to make best use of my (or other marriages experts) free teachings and/or my paid programs,
and look at expected results that come from the different resources and levels of investment
...so you can decide what the best way for YOU to invest in your marriage is at this point in time…and be able to bring it alive with the love, connection, support, and fulfillment you deserve.
This surprising episode may be the pivotal moment for many of you that finally sparks the kind of change you may have been trying make, but have not succeeded in fully yet–until now.
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How To Work With Your "Two Brains" For More Love (Revisited)
00:39:17
#120 Today, we are re-visiting a foundational topic–one that many other marriage professionals do not address, but is essential to understand as an HSP–because it is the very SOURCE of so much that goes awry in our marriages--and the source of what makes them amazing, too.
As humans we all come into this world having inherited a “set of equipment” that can make things really hard in love –if we don’t understand it.
We can use this genetic inheritance for or against us in love. How we relate to it and work with it makes ALL the difference in our marriages.
To understand this in a basic way is to start stepping into your capacity to steer your marriage where you want it to go, instead of feeling like you are at the mercy of your own, and your significant other’s, negative feelings and behaviors.
Your capacity for having ever-deepening love in your life as an HSP requires understanding this--and keeping it forefront in your mind.
So revisit this topic with me (or listen in for the first time) to begin to do so, and to become way more more compassionate towards yourself and able to harness the power you have to make your marriage the loving one you want it to be.
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Making HSP Empathy More Gift Than Challenge In Relationships
00:29:01
121 Our natural empathy as HSPs can be a beautiful gift or big challenge in our relationships. I’ve heard from many a client that they feel their empathy is overwhelming and drags them down. I have seen how it can also lead to resentment and hard times in relationships.
If you've ever had that experience, the good news is your natural empathy can actually be used to build greater intimacy in your relationship–once you’ve learned a few simple ways to work with it.
Today, we dive into how empathy can lead to the deepest intimacy in our relationships, and also how it can come with a dark side–emotional contagion--what I think of as disempowered empathy.
Then you will learn how to shift into what we can call an empowered empathy, which actually benefits both you and the other person, instead of draining you.
Listen in as I share stories and the high empathy strategy that all HSP’s should know!
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Sensitive Awareness: Key To Changing Habitual Patterns Of Interaction
00:31:22
122 If you feel stuck and in the same old patterns of pain, recurring situations or emotional reactions that never seem to improve your relationship–or you are just ready for faster positive change- this episode is for you.
One of the hardest things for so many people is stopping patterns of interaction that hurt their relationship (like reacting super strongly, or being snippy with your partner) and starting ones that help!
Even if you know WHAT to do differently, you may find you can’t quite DO it in the heat of the moment.
This is simply because you haven't fully developed your power of what I call Sensitive Awareness.
This simple powerful skill is the key to being able to change things that feel hard to change! And luckily you can easily learn to develop it starting with this episode.
Today we dive into what Sensitive Awareness (SA) is, why it is foundational to making any real change in your relationship and life, and the power you gain access to in your marriage and your emotional realm (including emotional contagion –like I promised last week!) when you slow down enough to use it on purpose.
Then you will learn two specific ways to put SA into practice in order to put an end to painful patterns and develop new ones that generate connection and supportiveness–all illustrated with personal and client examples. You’ll also learn what to look out for in terms of the obstacles that may make SA harder to do.
The power of Sensitive awareness is huge, so listen in to this important episode!
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123 Feeling heard by your partner matters to most highly sensitive women in a big way–when it comes to the smaller daily interactions, or those bigger important conversations. We also tend to love it when our partner opens up to us and shares what's going on for them.
In other words, we tend to really love having a culture of great listening and open sharing in our marriages.
But it’s easy to unintentionally make some small mistakes that prevent that great communication exchange, or simply to not be doing what you can to promote it.
If you don’t feel like your partner is super great at listening or big into sharing and you want to encourage more of both, dive in. A few tweaks can make a huge difference.
In today's episode you will learn the 5 things NOT to do, and 5 things to start doing right away to bring about a culture of great listening, hearing, and sharing between you and your significant other.
These changes are really simple and easy to implement, so dive in and get learning and applying right away to make real changes in the depth and ease of communication and intimacy in your marriage.
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124 Feeling connected to your significant other is key to your marriage fulfillment as a highly sensitive woman, right? But with the very busy modern lives so many of have–with careers and homes to tend to, kids to care for, a social life to keep alive– we are likely to feel disconnection creeping in…
And when we feel disconnected, we can start to feel resentful, and go about trying to feel more connected in ways that actually just exacerbate the disconnection… It’s a vicious cycle–one I know intimately and would never wish on anyone.
But it doesn’t have to be this way! In this episode I share my recent personal experience of this cycle beginning to creep in, and how I stopped it and brought my husband and I back to feeling super connected–and how you can, too.
Dive it to hear me share:
the 5 steps to keeping that connection with your honey alive, even with a busy full life.
Common mistakes we make when feeling disconnected or trying to reconnect
Some of the barriers that can come up to reconnecting, specifically for HSPs– and how to move past the most common one
All illustrated with my recent personal story…
Even if your life isn't super busy, what I share in this episode is key to keeping connection alive in a long-term intimate relationship, so listen in!
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Men Being Honest About The Hard Stuff With Casey And Will
01:16:26
A special episode featuring 2 male guests, Casey Desharnais, a Men’s Depth Coach, and my husband Will– just a regular guy– for both you and your (willing) partner to listen to.
To be the most successful partner and have a very connected and loving relationship, it requires the skill of being honest with oneself–of looking at what's going on inside yourself that may be leading to less-than-skillful ways of relating (and conflict and disconnection)– and then being honest and open about it with our significant other.
But, in our modern culture, many men, especially, still have trouble engaging with – or even looking at – the harder aspects of themselves that they bring to their relationship. (This goes for all humans, but men can be especially prone to this.)
If, like many women, you are frustrated that your partner doesn’t seem very self-aware, or has a hard time saying sorry, revealing something that you have a hunch is going on below the surface, or being vulnerable about his feelings with you… Or if he gets defensive easily, or tends to deflect problems, turns the blame on you, or simply shuts down in the face of harder interactions with you or others. . .
. . . it may be because he, too, has not yet learned to be transparent, authentic, and open (TAO) with himself fully yet.
But he can learn to, and you can learn how to support him in doing so in a loving, safe way…And when you both do, your relationship will grow by leaps and bounds.
Join Casey, Will, and I (in two separate interviews) as we chat about:
The BIG positive effects that happen when men begin to learn how to look at and engage with the things they haven't wanted to see about themselves before
Why it’s so hard for so many to be TAO with themselves, and with their significant other.
What women need to understand their man is up against to be able to be more open and vulnerable with you.
How you can support your partner to feel safer and more comfortable to engage with the harder parts of himself and open up about them with you.
Tips and encouragement for men to begin building this “muscle” of being TAO–and why they’d WANT to bother.
Casey and Will’s perspective and personal stories on their own journeys with learning how to do this –and how many benefits they have both reaped from this challenging but rewarding process.
This episode will shed light on the reasons behind men’s lack of ease with this important skill, start healing rifts and bring in more compassion, and give you tangible strategies for more self-honesty and ownership– so you can BOTH start feeling more intimacy and connection right away – and grow a deeper, more all encompassing love between you.
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126 Is your significant other defensive? If so, you know how hard it can be on your communication as a couple, working through things that need to be addressed, and feeling connected. As I know from personal experience, it can really feel like a divisive wedge between you.
And if you are anything like most of the highly sensitive women I work with, you’d love for that defensiveness to just disappear–so you can communicate so much better about important things and feel like a team in life together.
So let's talk about how to handle it when your partner tends towards being defensive. Because it is very possible to help curb this tendency of your partners’, make it have less impact, and even eliminate it from your marriage entirely.
In this episode we look at what defensiveness is, why it happens, what might be triggering it, and lay a groundwork of understanding about it so you can be set up to prevent it from hurting your marriage.
We then dive into the 7 stepsyou can take to help interrupt and dissolve this pattern in your spouse and relationship–and even get him on board in doing so.
Even if being defensive is an old tendency of your partner’s from childhood, you still have sway over how much it shows up and interferes in your marriage's wellbeing.
Listen in today to learn how, and start the flow of communication that connects instead of divides.
Get the HSHM Podcast Map, so you can quickly identify the episodes most helpful for your unique relationship, by supporting the podcast (for as little as $3) HERE.
This is a hearty episode that will help you put an end to upset, frustration, resentment, old hurts–and so many arguments and conflicts that you have in your relationship— if you dig in and follow the steps I lay out.
If you find yourself feeling mad, resentful, frustrated, irritated or disappointed often in your marriage, a large part of it is likely due to your “Relationship Rulebook”.
When it comes to our relationships, We all have subconscious or semi-conscious ideas about how it should be, how a good partner is supposed to behave, how they should be, what they are supposed to be doing…and how we ourselves should be as a wife or partner.
These are your relationship rules, I give many examples of what these look like in this episode.
Since most significant others will not always want to or be able to follow your rules, as long as you continue to subscribe to these rules, you will keep feeling all that frustration, disappointment, resentment, and anger. And you won't ever be able to enjoy your marriage, or love your partner as deeply as you will when you let them go.
Luckily, when you discover, examine, question, and release your rules’ grip on you, you will also release the unhappiness and make way for so much more connection, love and joy in your marriage.
In fact, the work I did done early in my second marriage dismantling my Relationship Rulebook was a large part of the reason that it was so much happier than my first one was.
Listen in now (with pen and paper ready for note taking!) and implement what I share here, and your marriage will start feeling more lighthearted, easy, and loving right away.
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128 If you ever feel criticized or hurt by something that happens between you and your partner, this is a must listen episode. (See the details on the NEW course below, too).
Inevitably in your long term relationship there will be times you hear what feel like judgements of your actions or character, or criticisms, or complaints from your partner.
When you feel hurt by these, not only is it painful, but it can take a real toll on your relationship. (Disconnection, resentment, fights, emotional distance are all likely).
But it doesn't have to. When you learn to discern between criticism and feedback– and use your partner’s untactful or less-than-kind words or actions as feedback, you will not just feel so much better, you will have a relationship that gets better by the day.
In this episode, we look at how what can feel like a criticism is often actually meant to be feedback and how you can tell the difference.
We also dive into what you can do, even when it was meant as a criticism, to use it as feedback, so as not to let it hurt you or build resentment, and prevent the downward cycle that comes from there in relationships.
Because highly sensitive women can have a tendency to take things as criticism and feel hurt easily, this is an episode you don't want to miss if you want to grow and evolve both as a human and as a couple. Listen in.
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Getting Triggered (Why It Happens And What To Do About It)
00:32:53
129 We almost all get triggered (upset, reactive, bothered, suddenly overcome with emotion) at times in our intimate relationship, especially as highly sensitive people. Although so common, it’s also a big contributing factor in marital unhappiness.
To put an end to the yucky feelings and damaging effects that being triggered can have on your marriage, you’ve got to learn what’s going on when you get triggered, why it happens (it might not be what you think it is), who’s causing you to be triggered, and how to calm and even outgrow your triggers.
Listen in for all of that, and to hear about the 3 things that cause certain words, tones of voice, expressions on your partner's face, things they do, or events to be triggering trigger to you, and what it will take to ease or eliminate those triggers altogether (and what won't work!).
With personal and client stories woven throughout, this episode gets you started on the path of working through what upsets you and your sensitive system compassionately, so you can put an end to being triggered and have the light, connected, supportive relationship you were born for as a sensitive woman.
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Nutrition For Better Relationships As HSPs With Lisa Masé
00:48:40
130 The quality of our relationships are deeply impacted by various aspects of our Mind-Body-Heart Systems' well-being. Especially our emotional well-being, which is deeply affected by our physical health (specifically our nutritional, hormonal, and nervous system health). In this episode, we will talk about all this with a special guest, Nutritionist Lise Masé.
Listen in to our conversation (involving chocolate, magic and mystery, and the word “hangry”) to learn:
Why nutrition matters when it comes to emotional and relationship well-being, and why you would even want to learn how to support your sensitive system nutritionally.
How food, and food choices and habits impact our nervous systems regulation, hormones, thoughts, moods, and emotions, and ultimately our ability to be in connection with our significant other.
Why sensitive people are prone to digestive issues.
Which foods help and which hurt…(such as foods that cause anxiety, and those that counter it)
How nutritionally supporting yourself isn’t just about the foods you eat, but the way you eat them!
Why pleasure helps you shift your eating habits to more optimal ones for your unique system – and how to have more of it in your meals!
How guiding your mind is an important piece of the puzzle when it comes to optimal nutrition.
Specific small practices, and strategies that you can explore that will support the most aligned eating for your specific system …
…All of which will help have a less reactive Mind-Body-Heart system and help you attain optimal well-being in your nervous system, which will translate into more vitality, more ease, more connection and an overall better marriage. Listen in.
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131 Today we are revisiting the topic of anger in our relationships, because it is so often a destructive force that leads to an unraveling of connection. But it doesn't have to be.
If you often (or just sometimes) feel frustrated, resentful, aggravated or resentful towards your significant other, get this episode in your ears.
Because your anger may be valid, especially if you don't feel fully met in your marriage. But it is very likely misdirected.
The big question to ask is, is the way you are directing that anger getting you more of what you want in the long run? Or less of what you want?
In this episode we look at how most often the way we use our anger leads to less of what we want, and more pain and disconnection. But you can change that.
It starts with looking at the misunderstandings that lead to anger being misdirected, and then understanding how you can redirect that anger into a force of truly positive change in your marriage.
Listen in and get on the right track to real long term happiness in your marriage.
ENJOYING THE SHOW?
Get the HSHM Podcast Map, so you can quickly identify the episodes most helpful for your unique relationship, by supporting the podcast (for as little as $3) HERE.
SHOW NOTES: Learn more and join the waitlist for Treasured, Hannah's marriage coaching program for sensitive women, HERE.
05 Oct 2023
When And How to Share A Complaint
00:30:04
132 When your significant other has done something that anger or hurts you, you may want to share a complaint-–or what I call a grievance– with them, especially if it is eating away at your or you feeling it is coming between you as a couple.
Sharing a grievance with your partner can be an important part of building a relationship that is full of loving sensitivity, collaboration, and care for each other.
But only if you aren't making the mistakes the most of us make when we do it!
And only if done skillfully.
In this episode, you will learn:
The 4 common mistakes we tend to make as women when we go to air our grievances.
Why when you make them you won’t get the change or support you want
What you need to do instead to create the conditions to most effectively share in the future
The 2 prime ingredients you must embrace to enter into the conversation when the time comes
And the 9 steps to actually voicing the grievance in a way that your partner can hear– and is most likely to inspire him to want to do things differently in the future, and pour some living support on you right then and there…
…All illustrated with a real personal example of sharing a grievance with my own husband so you can get a sense of the process in action.
This episode comes with a warning! So listen in, but make sure you listen all the way through so you don’t go use this powerful process prematurely (which will backfire)…
…and so you can instead understand what it truly takes to share about painful things that you have big feelings about in a way that is truly effective in making your relationship better, more loving, and more attuned and connected over time. Dive in.
ENJOYING THE SHOW?
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133 Being a highly sensitive person obviously means we are more sensitive than others. This has real ramifications in our love lives— both wonderful and challenging.
Luckily, we can support our sensitive selves in ways that amplify the best parts of our sensitivity, and make the challenges of it so much easier.
This will involve caretaking your sensitive Mind Body Heart System. . . and, like it or not, MORE deeply and consistently than non-HSPs.
In other words, even if you don't like it, in order to have an intimate relationship (and life) that feels deeply satisfying, nourishing, and fulfilling, you as an HSP need to attend more to your emotional well-being and nervous system regulation than a non-HSP.
As I’ve accepted this, and learned how to caretake my sensitive nervous system (and sensitive mind, body, heart, and emotions), I’ve fallen in love with doing it AND what it has led to in my relationship.
This can be true for you, too. Dive into this episode to:
Learn why love and marriage can be so hard as HSP without truly caretaking your sensitive system in the right ways
Learn why accepting our higher need for emotional caretaking can be difficult, and why it's more than worth it to do so
Be inspired by my own story about how doing so changed EVERYTHING for the better forever in my love life
Learn the 2 simple but essential foundational steps to get started with right away that will make the same thing possible for you and your marriage.
Without this emotional tending, the kind of relationship you most want–full of love, lightheartedness, attraction, effective and connecting communication, and mutual supportiveness–is likely to remain elusive.
But with it? You set the stage for what can feel like magic to happen in your relationship. Dive in to begin.
ENJOYING THE SHOW?
Get the HSHM Podcast Map, so you can quickly identify the episodes most helpful for your unique relationship, by supporting the podcast (for as little as $3) HERE.
SHOW NOTES: Learn more about Treasured (Hannah's marriage coaching program for sensitive women) here. When you enroll you'll also get the free BONUS program Foundations of Emotional Wellbeing for HSPS!
19 Oct 2023
The Magic Of The 20 Second Hug
00:21:12
134 Don't miss the free workshop I announce inside (link below)! If there were 1 research-backed thing that takes only 20 seconds that you could do to generate those warm hearted deep connected feelings between you and a significant other, grow the security and ease in your marriage, AND bring your nervous system into regulation ( i.e. make you feel grounded and peaceful) in the midst of a normally stressful day…would you do it? I bet you would…if you knew what it was.
In this episode, I will tell you. Dive in to hear all about the 20 second hug. You’ll hear what it will do for you and your relationship, and how to do it (yes, there are some specifics to make it work best!).
You'll also learn what can get in the way of getting the most out of this little but powerful love hack, and what the core or “pre-work” is to make it truly work its magic in your marriage and on your sensitive mind-body-heart system.
ENJOYING THE SHOW?
Get the HSHM Podcast Map, so you can quickly identify the episodes most helpful for your unique relationship, by supporting the podcast (for as little as $3) HERE.
From A Rut To Deeper Love Than Ever (Re-Enchantment Updated)
00:36:32
135 Last chance to sign up for the free workshop below! Even if you aren’t feeling happy now in your relationship, and all the joy and love of those early days of the relationship feels faded, there is hope for your marriage yet! In fact, you can have something even better:
An even more genuine, more sustainable, deeper love and connection than ever with your spouse, where you know how to work with each other as a team to navigate the ups and downs of life, while feeling the ease, love and joy you have together continue to increase over time. This is what I call Re-enchantment.
In this updated and re-released episode, I spill the beans on how to take your marriage there. Listen in to learn:
What it will be like when you get there,
What it takes: the 3 simple things you must get good at to guide your own marriage there
What someone who is on the way there–or who is already there– is DOING on the regular (this is also a list of what’s required!)
A specific real life example to illustrate these things from a client
The next steps to learning these things
And why you, as an HSP, are best suited to shift your marriage into Re-enchantment.
It’s so important to have an idea of what it looks like in real life to make your marriage into the loving, lighthearted, connected one you want. This episode provides that, and gives you the next tangible steps to take to make this come alive in your own relationship as a highly sensitive woman.
ENJOYING THE SHOW?
Get the HSHM Podcast Map, so you can quickly identify the episodes most helpful for your unique relationship, by supporting the podcast (for as little as $3) HERE.
136 Today I bring you some scientific researched- backed HOPE for you and your marriage. If you are an HSP, this is essential knowledge about yourself and what’s possible for you.
Did you know that being an HSP makes it more likely for you to arrive at the happiness you want in your marriage, when you put certain conditions in place?
Because you have a special advantage as an HSP in this area. It’s true! In this episode, I will tell you all about it and some of the science that proves it.
There is something special about us HSPs: our sensitivity, which can make it either easier (it can BOOST you) or harder to be WELL (it can PLUMMET you) in this life, depending on some things.
Learn what those things are–and how to BEST take advantage of this special aspect of your sensitivity in this episode.
When you know this, you will be best positioned ( and I mean better positioned than most ALL other humans) to make your marriage come alive with the mutual love, support and connection you want, and to feel deeply WELL as a human being. Listen in.
ENJOYING THE SHOW?
Get the HSHM Podcast Map, so you can quickly identify the episodes most helpful for your unique relationship, by supporting the podcast (for as little as $3) HERE.
Discouraged In Love? 3 Toxic Marriage Myths Causing It
00:41:35
If you are at all discouraged in your relationship, you must listen to this episode. (I’m calling it a bonus episode simply because I’m giving it to you today as it contains time-sensitive info and I’m going to be on a short podcast break –talk to you again in several weeks!)
If:
you feel like there’s not much chance for growth in your marriage,
your spouse is resistant to working on your relationship with you,
you feel unmotivated to put much more effort in because it feels a bit hopeless,
or you just aren't sure it’s worth it to try too much with your spouse with everything you have on your plate and how little difference it seems to make
….I’m here to give you hope that the mutually supportive, deeply connected and loving marriage you want IS POSSIBLE.
Because the reason you are discouraged isn't just because of your significant other or the dynamics between you.
It’s because of something much more sneaky and less obvious: some very toxic cultural messaging that TRULY undermines the relationships we want in our hearts.
In this episode, I will expose 3 of these toxic myths most likely playin gout in you and your relationship, and help you do away with them so you feel empowered and hopeful again, and so you are best set up to finally get some real traction on making your marriage the lighthearted, deeply loving, and team-feel one you want.
Get ready to finally see the changes you want when you no longer buy into these 3 toxic myths and instead understand the 3 truths about making true lasting change in your marriage.
And if you have a partner who’s not doing much to make your marriage better, make sure to listen all the way through this one, as the golden key to change that comes toward the end.
ENJOYING THE SHOW?
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138 One of the underlying causes of my first marriage ending was because of what I call Care Distortion. It wrecked me, leading me to feel like my husband didn't care about me enough, and took a huge toll on how good my then hubby and I felt with each other.
Today, I tell you all about my story with it, and how it is very possibly affecting your relationship too, as it does so many highly sensitive women. If you ever feel like your partner doesn't care enough about you, or you’re not so important to him, or he doesn't value you enough, this episode is especially for you.
I know how painful it can feel. It not only hurts, but, at least for me and many of the women I work with, it tends to lead to real frustration, anger, and resentment… And all of these feelings can end up making the whole relationship much more difficult and fraught with tension, arguments, and cold wars…
But in most cases, this is totally something YOU can change, just like I did. It has everything to do with Care Distortion.
Listen in to learn:
what Care Distortion is,
where it comes from in the first place,
why it's more common for HSPs than non-HSPs,
why it causes so much pain and discord,
and what you can do to put an end to it.
When care distortion is no longer happening in your marriage, you will feel so much lighter, more peaceful and loved– and you’ll be free to start having a whole lot more laughter, fun, and all the good stuff that you most want in your marriage.
ENJOYING THE SHOW?
Get the HSHM Podcast Map, so you can quickly identify the episodes most helpful for your unique relationship, by supporting the podcast (for as little as $3) HERE.
139 It's time for FREEDOM FROM HURT WEEK. Learn more and join us here. There are 2 categories of emotional pain in our relationships, and although neither of them is “wrong”, one of them tends to push us apart, making our marriages HARDER (if we don't know how to work with it)…
…and the other, if we let it, can actually fuel the love and connection we want in our relationships.
You WANT to know the difference between these types of pain, because one of them you want to tune deeper into, the other you want to quickly dissolve…
Listen in to this episode, peppered with plenty of personal stories and examples, to discover:
the difference between “clean pain” and “dirty pain”,
the negative impact on your relationships of falling prey to dirty pain and not tending to your clean pain,
why clean pain is so healing and powerful,
the different ways you want to address each of them to move out of pain and discord in your relationship and into a deeper place of peace, love, and connection than ever
and what gets in the way of easily doing this, so YOU can do it well.
Pain is inevitable in life, but hurt isn't. When you know how to work with these 2 types of pain, you will free yourself from so much unnecessary pain in love and life, be so much more empowered to effectively make real changes in your marriage that feel so much better, get the best treatment from your significant other, and make the best impact in this world in general. Listen in.
ENJOYING THE SHOW?
Get the HSHM Podcast Map, so you can quickly identify the episodes most helpful for your unique relationship, by supporting the podcast (for as little as $3) HERE.
SHOW NOTES Learn all about FREEDOM FROM HURT WEEK, a special event where you get live virtual time with Hannah over the course of a week, to leave hurt in the dust.
True Wealth with Mark Yegge (and Einstein's Ghost)
00:52:03
140 We all want a life full of what is most important to us, full of “Wealth” of the emotional, relational, and also financial, kind–or what my guest, Mark Yegge, a “wealth architect” and money manager, calls “balanced abundance”.
In other words, we want the wealth of feeling good, feeling secure, feeling healthy, feeling connected, loved, and fulfilled in this life. There is solid research that proves this.
Even Einstein, the most brilliant scientific mind of his time, was super clear about what actually makes humans feel most alive and abundant. (In this episode we share the most beautiful secret letter he wrote to his daughter—it will truly just melt your heart!!)
Unfortunately, because of the culture we live in, it’s easy to end up (almost by accident) over-focusing on things that don't actually lead us to that happiness and fulfillment. That lead, instead, to what I call Emotional Poverty. Mark and I have both seen all too many people lose track of what most matters to them by over-focusing on the pursuit of a successful career and financial abundance (or what we think is just financial security), while under-focusing on the things that actually bring them Emotional wealth and TRUE security.
Since you're here, you have a pretty good sense that relationships are a prime way to the happiness and meaning you want in this life. But you're likely (even to just a small degree) to fall under the influence of cultural programming that, by no fault of our own, distracts you from being able to make your important relationships the truly fulfilling and life-giving ones you know they are meant to be.
Luckily, it’s not so hard to re-align with what matters most to you, which is HOW you will be able to bring more TRUE WEALTH, the kind that matters most to YOU, into your life, starting today. It can just take a bit of remembering –and intention.
So listen to this fun, laughter-filled, not-to-be-missed conversation, where Mark and I dive straight into the heart of all of this. You’ll come away with your heart energized and a surge of motivation to bring what most matters to YOU alive in your life, so you can feel genuinely happier and more fulfilled --and wealthy in all ways--as an HSP.
ENJOYING THE SHOW?
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141 This episode should be required listening for anyone in an intimate relationship! With many years under my belt as a marriage coach, one of the biggest and most common problem-causer I’ve noticed again and again that causes disrespect, pain, and discord in marriages (and more so in HSP marriages) is the tendency to not know the difference between one’s own side of the court and one’s partner's side of the court–and therefore not tend well to your own, and over-tend to theirs.
This episode will shed light on why this is so damaging, help you identify if you are doing this–even just a little bit–and help you put an end to it, so you can re-develop or strengthen the mutual respect in your relationship that is so essential for it to thrive.
We dive into the 3 types of “business” there are when it comes to relationships, and clarify what is your domain and what is your spouses–and what is beyond everyone's control.
Then you will get very specific and practical advice on how you can stop wasting your energy where you have no power or control, and instead put your energy where it is truly effective to drive REAL positive change in yourself and in your marriage…and you and your significant other are freed up to both able to genuinely enjoy each other a whole lot more
For some of you, when you take this episode to heart, it will be the magic bullet that begins a cascade of healing in your marriage–and that perhaps even lets you see once again in your partner that person who you originally fell in love with, but haven’t seen in a while!
ENJOYING THE SHOW?
Get the HSHM Podcast Map, so you can quickly identify the episodes most helpful for your unique relationship, by supporting the podcast (for as little as $3) HERE.
Learn about how to get more of Hannah's Support, Courses ,and Coaching HERE.
01 Feb 2024
Self-Compassion and HSP Relationships With Lori Cangilla
00:58:48
142 Developing Self-Compassion is one of the key ingredients to building a truly thriving marriage as an HSP. It is embedded in everything I teach and will be forever, because it is just so essential.
So I invited Lori Cangilla, a psychologist and HSP specialist, to have a conversation about it with me, share stories and some laughs, and dive deeper into what self-compassion is all about in this episode.
Although self-compassion is often misunderstood, it is a source of so much goodness between you and your partner–and even if you haven’t been the most self-compassionate person up until now, you can totally develop it! And it will send powerful healing ripples throughout your whole life and marriage.
So listen in to discover:
what self compassion really is (and what it isn’t!)
how it relates to compassion and connection
The common misunderstandings about it that may be preventing you from accessing the deep benefits of it,
the 4 main pieces that compose self compassion,
why you would bother spending a bit of energy to become a more self-compassionate person as a highly sensitive person
what the benefits of it are in our intimate relationships
why being self-compassionate can be challenging at first for HSPs
the two types of self-compassion and how they work together to help you lead a life that is empowered, and self-honoring, as well as compassionate to others,
and tips to begin developing more self compassion starting today
No HSP should live life without this vital way of relating to yourself. As you grow your self-compassion, you will open doors to richer and deeper connection and intimacy with your own self and with your significant other, and reap the rich benefits of it in all areas of your life for all your years to come.
143 If you are like many other women, deep down you probably LOVE your partner, but it can feel like you DON’T LIKE him very much sometimes, yeah?
I’ve been there, too, and it doesn't feel great… because who wants to not like the person they’re planning to spend their whole life with? By now, it shouldn't come as a surprise that this can be even more common of an experience as an highly sensitive Person unfortunately.
That’s why I want to share with you 6 primary things I've learned from my own experience with re-enlivening my LIKE for my husband.
So listen in to hear my story of going from feeling rather annoyed often with my husband, and wondering if I even liked him and what it means if I didn't, to realizing one day how MUCH I now truly enjoy him!
Just like I do, you CAN laugh, be playful, flirt with, and simply enjoy your partner again, when you really implement the 6 steps I share in this episode.
Don’t get stuck in the myth that there’s nothing you can do from your side of the street to change things for the SO much better. It simply isn't true.
Listen in and follow my lead, and you WILL start feeling closer and happier with your partner–and even start really LIKING him again.
144 If you’ve ever been frustrated by slow or no change in your relationship–either on partner's end or your own, and you want to stop falling into those same old painful dynamics with your partner again and again, and instead SEE things actually getting better over time…
… you’ve got to understand how change works.
Because it really is a process, with 4 distinct stages. And before you even get to them, there is a pre-stage, which is where most people (you?) tend to get stuck.
When you understand these 4 stages you will be so much better equipped to make the real change you want actually happen.
In this episode, we dive into them, as well as into a bit of the science of what is really going on to make new ways of being with each other stick.
So many people don't understand how change really works, and therefore don’t persevere with the process… and end up getting nowhere.
Now, because of this episode, that will not be you anymore!
With personal and client stories, and well as one very important metaphor to help you understand how the brain really changes (and the brain IS your #1 agent of change), you will leave this episode so much more empowered and so much more hopeful and encouraged that you, too, can make those changes you've been wanting in your marriage. Dive in!
SHOW NOTES:
Submit your question to be answered on the show by hopping on my email list HERE (you’ll soon get instructions on how to submit.)
145 If you sometimes (or often) can't quite feel love for your significant other, I totally get it. I have felt that, too, many a-time, and I know it DOESN'T feel so good . Because, of course you want to feel love for and connection to the person you spend your life with, right? So I want to share a personal story with you that will help.
Dive into today's episode to hear about one of the times I felt deeply cut off from my love for my hubby, and how I got myself back to that sweetness of feeling connected and loving towards him again–so you can do it, too!
How I did that is a reliable process I still use in those times I feel cut off from my heart–because it really can happen rather easily as HSP’s in our busy overstimulating modern lives (and because relationships can bring up a lot of stuff that makes it all too easy to shut down our hearts–even when we have big ones!).
I also share what can get in the way of feeling that steady love for our significant other, and how there may well be different routes to access it again for you, depending on what's going on for you.
And I give you the most basic key to figuring out how to guide yourself back to feeling more in your big heart again, so you can feel better AND inspire more connection, fun, and even passion with your spouse. Dive in!
146 What can you realistically expect to feel in a good and healthy relationship? In this episode I spill the beans.
Listen in to hear one potent bit of clarifying medicine to help you lean away from all the painful worry and doubt that comes up around your relationship, to relieve you from all the questioning you may be doing about whether this marriage can be improved or not, and help you lean into improving what’s realistic to improve between you and your partner.
If you've ever felt something was wrong with your relationship because you find yourself unhappy, or upset, or having a hard time emotionally about things with your spouse…
Or if you’ve ever been at all unsure if this is the right relationship for you, or compared your marriage to someone else's (with yours coming up short)...
…You've got to listen to what I share in this episode.
Because I lay it out bluntly: what you can really measure a good relationship by (or a poor one!). No more wondering needed!
You will walk away relieved and also motivated to spend your time improving what CAN be improved, instead of wasting your energy on what cannot. Listen in.
From Walled-Off to Connected and Affectionate; Gina’s Story
00:37:32
147 Gina, a client who worked with me in Treasured, had been totally disconnected from her husband and lonely in her marriage for 20+ years. The connected intimacy we love as sensitive people? There wasn’t any of it.
She wasn’t sure she could change things much after all those years, or how totally disconnected they were, but she was clear she didn't want her life to feel that way forever, and so she dove into the work.
Low and behold, as you’ll hear, nowadays she and her husband are really connected and even quite affectionate with each other (they started to be just several weeks into our work together). And as she led the way in reconnecting, her husband started joining her in building more and more intimacy between them, so now building and enjoying more and more connection is a totally mutual thing for both of them.
How did she do it? Listen in and she will tell you!
In our conversation, Gina opens up about what things were like with her husband for so long, why and how she completely – and quite quickly – changed things between them, and what the biggest keys were for her that made all of this possible.
Listen in to get a dose of hope and inspiration, and hear some great marriage and emotional well-being wisdom from this highly sensitive connection maestro!
If you are at all curious about or interested in what coaching can do for you and your relationship, or even what it IS, this bonus episode will help clarify that, and what my specific version of it, for highly sensitive people, is all about. Since I have changed a few things over the years in what and how I offer marriage coaching, I wanted to update you about those changes as well as help answer some common questions about it all.
So listen in to here the answers to these questions (I recommend listening to the full episode, but you can also pick and choose which question you want to hear the answer for by jumping to that time in the episode, noted by each question):
What is marriage/relationship coaching and Hannah’s program, Treasured? (@ 4 mins)
Who is it for? (@ 7 mins 10 seconds)
Why is Treasured different and will it work if other things haven't? (@10 mins 15 seconds)
Can my partner and our relationship really change if it’s only me working on my end of things? (@18 mins 25 secs)
Why a group program for such a personal thing? Will I be helped as much as I would be in 1:1? (@ 22 mins 51 secs)
What are the specifics of how it works? (29:45)
Why would I do a coaching program, instead of just doing it on my own, like from the podcast? (33:48)
How do I enroll? (36:09)
Can I talk to you before committing? (37:11)
If you want a happier, more fulfilling, loving dynamic between you and your spouse, you’ve got to find out how coaching can help. Listen in.
How Perimenopause Can Be The Most Powerful Time To Grow Closer As A Couple
00:48:43
148 If you're a woman between the ages of 35 and 55, you are going to want to catch this episode–and bring your spouse! Because this is a big transitional time for women and couples of this age range. And, even though the hormonal shifts that happen during this time have a bad rep, they actually bring along with them a big opportunity to grow the love, supportiveness, connection in your marriage, as well as start your “second spring” in life and love.
In this episode, I bring on Bria Gadd, a Functional Diagnostic Nutrition Practitioner, holistic health coach, and personal trainer who specializes in female hormones, to talk about it all with me, and dish out her wisdom on how to use this time to benefit your marriage.
Studies show that in 69% of divorces, it’s women who are the ones to initiate it. And often this is because in midlife, as hormones are shifting, many women start to feel like they want more, like they no longer want to settle for the same old same old in their relationship and life. If you don't understand what is happening, or how to support yourself in this time, like most women don't, (because the research is very new!), it can lead to a much harder time in your life and marriage!
But when you, and ideally your spouse, too , get educated about this perimenopausal time of life, it will allow you to work with yourself and your spouse to navigate this time in a way that can birth the best times of your marriage.
So listen in as Bria and I discuss all of that as well as:
What we tend to struggle with during this time (no, you are NOT alone!!)
What is really going on for us women hormonally in these years, and how it affects us.
How this time's a call to really self-educate and learn how to best support yourself
Bria’s 4 pillars of what you need to thrive during this time and beyond, both physiologically and emotionally,
How to start healing from hormonal imbalances and the exact starting places for you to get going today to avoid hormonal chaos, such as impatience, irritability, anxiety, insomnia, weight gain, lowered libido, and more, that can negatively impact your relationship and whole life at this time, and begin to truly thrive like never before in your life.
Although the most important thing during this time is YOUR OWN self-support in very specific ways, when your partner understands what's really going on during this time, too, they can help support you through it, so you can both LOVE this (long) period of time of your lives, and beyond. This episode is the beginning of that.
From Feeling Alone To Being a Loving Team in Marriage; Kathy’s Story
00:44:23
149 After 32 years of marriage, and the help of many different marriage counselors, Kathy was looking at apartments and thinking of a future without her husband.
She just could hardly imagine being happy with him again. Nor did he seem interested in getting help for his side of the issue they had between them.
But, after just a week or two of starting her work with me, not only did she start to feel really different, her husband started responding to her differently, too.
And as she kept up her work on her side of the street, on how she was relating to him, guess what? He started to make bigger changes on his end, and even seek out support for himself.
So now they were both experiencing and building in more love between them and collaborating on creating a great future together, one where they are both getting their needs and wants met harmoniously and happily.
How did Kathy do this? She tells us in this conversation where we discuss it all, as well as:
How she’d been through lots of other sessions with other professionals that didn't change things, but how pleasantly surprised she was when she started to focus on herself, on who she is, on her own thoughts, and what she wanted to bring to the relationship, that things really–and suddenly–changed.
How she freed herself from long-held resentment and finally got her husband on board to follow through on a promise he made and help her achieve a life-long dream of hers
Why, after listening to the podcast without much change, working directly with me made all the difference
What she did to get her hubby on board to improve things between them together.
How developing better boundaries (of two types), and learning how to “insource her value” made her marriage and all sorts of relationships in her life better
What being part of a group coaching program was like for her as someone who is “not a group person”
How no longer thinking of her sensitivity as something that was wrong with her, and learning how to honor the needs it brings, lead to just generally being happier and more carefree in her life.
Kathy drops many bits of wisdom and insights for any HSP who is not as happy as they want to be in their relationship, and we cover quite a few universal issues and solutions for highly sensitive relationships, so listen in.
This is such a great story for anyone wanting to not be alone in working to improve your marriage, and to understand what it takes to get your partner on board to collaborate on bettering your relationship together.
150 I put out a call to you listeners for questions, and today I am going to answer three of them!
All three highly sensitive women’s questions are very relatable and have a somewhat similar theme:
How to handle being bothered by things their spouse does or ways he is, so they can feel better AND work with their spouse effectively in these situations.
Specifically (but with a bit more detail).
Ella asks, “What are your recommendations for easing anger surrounding the innate stubbornness of your partner?”
Nina asks, “How would you approach conflict with a husband in front of your kids?”
Kelly asks, “I can't seem to train my brain to stop thinking negatively about my marriage, specifically about my hubby, and frequently wonder whether I should be in this marriage or not. What is causing this thinking? It is very disconcerting. Any ideas?”
I certainly do have ideas for them about what to do in all of these cases–and for you if you are ever annoyed, irritated, angry or frustrated with your partner, my answer will help you, too!
Listen in to hear my coaching and strategic tips on how to handle these specific situations and feelings, so you can be much more successful in navigating these issues, as well as feeling more peace and happiness with your husband.
This episode is also a great way to tangibly tie a lot of my teachings together and apply them to real-life situations. So dig in.
151 Most of the highly sensitive women I talk to mention wanting their relationship to feel "lighter"-- easier, more carefree, more warmhearted. And that IS a place where a lot of joy can be found in our intimate relationships--if we can access that lightness. . .
The challenge is, as HSPs, we can tend to take things pretty seriously. Not a bad thing, by any means, but it can make it harder to feel that lightness so many of us long for. So I made you a very "light" ( short and sweet) episode to give you a drop of that lightness right now.
Listen in to hear the one question that can open up a sense of lightness right away, and make space for more and more lightness to enter into your relationship--and whole life--as you let this way of seeing things integrate into you.
Please note that NONE of what I offer here is meant to dismiss or belittle the hard stuff that can comes along with intimate relationships ( that is very real and important to acknowledge). In fact, it is meant to help you navigate through any of that with more ease and peace.
Let this episode seep into your cells over the coming week or more. . . and see what shifts in you and your marriage from there.
152 Not feeling as connected as you want to with your spouse? Feeling like you're not on the same page much these days, or you have sort of evolved AWAY from each other? I have been there and it doesn't feel good. But there is a way back that’s simple and straightforward.
In this episode, you’ll hear a great remedy to bring more connection into your marriage–in ways BOTH you and your partner look forward to. It’s a process I’ve done myself that really helped me and my husband not just feel more connected, but also have a clear path to more of it forever into our future together.
Today's episode will share exactly how to make sure you have plenty of ways you and your spouse can be together that are fun and fulfilling to both of you. When you apply what I share, you will have the grounds for a more resilient, connected and fun life together into the future. Dig in!
The End Of Male Bashing; The Start Of Better Loving
00:26:22
153 As women, we often go to our friends and other people in our lives when something isn't going as well as we want with our partner, or when an issue comes up. And it’s only natural to want to get support that way.
But, it is all too easy when we do that to fall into the toxic trap of griping, venting and male-bashing — even WITH the big sensitive conscientious hearts we tend to have as HSPs.
Some things in our culture are so widely practiced that they're accepted without any thought that they might be damaging. And this one is such a sneakily toxic part of our culture, with such damaging effects to our men, to us and our relationships, that it needs to be talked about, and faced.
So today we are going to dive into it, along with why it’s a problem for your relationship (and the world), why to stop doing it, and what to do instead to help your marriage become the loving, connected, fulfilling one you want–and still being able to go to your friend to get support and commune about your relationships!
I know you want to live in a world where relationships are filled with mutual respect, deep care, kindness, and real love, so come take a step towards bringing that to life in your own marriage today, and be part of leaving this emotionally destructive habit forever in the past.
154 Other people in your life ( friends, family members', and even professional "authorities" in your life) are going to have opinions on your spouse and your relationship, and they may share them with you. If you don't know how to handle this well, you may end up making things even harder in your relationship.
As highly sensitive people it can be all too easy to let our other's opinions –especially if they are in any way negative–color our own experience. And unfortunately, when it comes to our marriage's health and happiness, this can be quite problematic–even if they meant well.
I can't tell you how many times my clients have told me they felt EXTRA doubt and confusion about their marriage because someone in their life said something along the lines of “I don't think he’s right for you” or “I don’t know what you see in him.” (And sometimes it’s just what they THINK their friend thinks of their partner that causes pain, fear, and doubt.)
This can be crazy-making, and a total power-leak if your goal is to have a really good loving marriage.
So today you're going to learn how to handle other people's thoughts and opinions when it comes to your relationship–so you can grow the health of your marriage, instead of diminishing it. We dive into:
What to do about other people’s opinions and advice, including how to discern when to take it on or not.
How to stop something someone said about your spouse or marriage from seeping into you and giving it damaging weight or authority.
Why their judgments and opinions are NOT that accurate (or important)
Whose opinions really matter
Who and what IS a trustworthy source of authority, wisdom and truth about your relationship and spouse.
And specific ways to get your friends and family to help you grow the marriage you want, instead of accidentally making things harder for you.
Even if you haven't ever been subject to hearing negative opinions about your spouse or relationship, if you have friends or family, this episode will help you, since all I share here can be applied to any opinion anyone shares with you about any realm of your life.
155 Sometimes you hear something that changes everything, and puts you in a state of mind that leads to finally being able to bring a big dream to life. This must listen episode may very well be that for you.
Because if you are like most of the women I talk to and work with, you want a new level of intimacy with your spouse: a real partnership that is tender, connected, deeply supportive and nurturing in all realms– intellectually, physically, emotionally, domestically, in terms of each other's dreams and inner life. You want to feel like your significant other is a true team with you in life.
And it's really important that you get this! For you, for our world, even for your partner.
But, this is really a NEW paradigm when it comes to committed relationships and marriage. It's still just emerging.
And, unfortunately, the old and recent paradigms of marriage that still live on in many of us (which I will explain today), are making it harder to bring our partners onboard and make this new, beautiful vision we have of marriage come to life. So we are left frustrated, disappointed, resentful, and questioning if we can have the kind of relationships we really want with our current partner.
It doesn't have to be this way. You CAN (in most cases) open the door for your partner to be that full partner you want, and your marriage to be the NEW supportive and nurturing-in-all-realms marriage we women want. Especially as an HSP.
To do so, it will help you SO MUCH to understand the old school paradigm of marriage, and how it still colors so much in our marriages, and also the recent (or current) paradigm of marriage–both of which are, though perhaps empowering for one individual in the relationship, very relationally disempowering overall! We dive into this today.
Then you’ll learn about what it takes to leave those old painful paradigms behind, step into relational empowerment (not just individual empowerment), and finally birth the new marriage we want so badly.
This is an essential and healing episode that will soften and sweeten your world with forgiveness and understanding, as well as empower and compel you to relate to your partner in such a way that gets him collaborating to bring this new paradigm of marriage very much alive between you. Listen in.
156 An episode for both you and your spouse, especially if communication isn’t always the easiest thing between you or if one or both of you ever feel misunderstood or unheard.
If you want to give your marriage the best chance to be the fulfilling connected one you want–the NEW marriage we talked about last episode– and your partner the very best chance to be the loving, supportive one you want, then the MOST PRACTICAL thing you can each do is relate to each other the way you want to be related TO.
And one of the most practical ways you can relate to your spouse in the way you want them to relate back, is to “hold space” for them and offer your kind caring presence when they are sharing anything close to their heart with you.
Sounds basic, but it can be harder than you think because so many of our default human tendencies come up and get in the way, breaking the beautiful opportunity for building connection, deep understanding, and trust.
So in this episode I share some of the nuances of what holding space and great listening really looks like, and tell you very clearly what it does not look like, and just how it actually do it with the help of the “4 C’s” for the most rich, nourishing, intimate in all ways (wink wink) kind of relationship.
So listen in, together or separately, and then go apply what I suggest and watch as you both start feeling more respected, understood, and lovingly connected, as well as much better at communicating!
SHOW NOTES: Want to spice things up more in your relationship? Bring Back The Attraction, Hannah's on-demand 45 minute course, gives you 7 keys to spark more of the magical appeal you used to feel, is now available here.
Find out how Hannah can help you more over at her website.
Micro-Repairs and Re-Directs For a Better Relationship
00:29:21
157 There are many “micro” things you can do on a regular basis to keep your relationship strong (and so you don't need larger “interventions” that take a lot more time and energy in order to get things back on track).
And a very important one? Micro repairs. Today we dive into just how to make them, as well as how to make micro re-directs that will help stop a downhill-heading interaction in its tracks.
These are mini skills that you want to be able to do easily, because, in all relationships–even healthy ones– there will be moments of micro-rupture, when the sweetness of connection between you gets disrupted by reactivity, or normal human unskillfulness.
But these won't hurt your relationship as long as you make repairs when they happen–even if you weren't the one who “started” the rupture.
So listen in as I share when, why, and how to make these micro repairs, and give you the exact words to do so effectively.
You'll come away with the knowledge to easily mend any little rift between you and your spouse and also the best chance of your partner getting good at making these repairs, as well, so you will never be in discord for long as a couple, and can easily get back to connection, affection, and a palpable sense of love between you. Dive in.
If you don't feel your partner loving you, or sometimes your partner’s supposed love isn’t matched by his actions, this episode is for you.
Women often share with me that this is a common experience for them, and they are hurting because of it. And without some insight into what is really going on in these instances, their relationship just feels worse and worse over time. I don't want that for you!
So listen in to hear what is likely going on for you, and for your spouse, when this happens. Why is it that, although he tells you he loves you and cares about you, he doesn’t always show it with kisses, doing special things for you, or listening to try to understand??
Take a moment and try to really understand, instead of making it into something it isn’t. Instead of falling prey to the belief that it’s because he doesn’t love you enough or that you aren’t somehow lovable enough to him.
Because that’s very rarely what is actually happening. You are, almost certainly, VERY loved. And when you can understand what is really going on, you will be able to FEEL so much more loved, and be best positioned to help your partner show you that love in the ways you like receiving it! So dig in.
159 Almost all of us instinctively approach our intimate relationships in mixed ways: ones that generate more loving intimacy and harmony, and ones that drive division and pain, which I call the Backfiring Tactics.
To have the marriage you want, it will take cultivating more of the first, and minimizing those Backfiring Tactics. This is always one of the very first things I help my clients do, and I want you to be able to do the same.
The thing is, it can be hard to do, because the backfiring tactics can seduce you into believing you are acting “empowered”, when really it’s a completely false sense of power that’s actually hurting you and your marriage.
So, if you want to feel close, connected, and on the same loving team in life with your honey, it’s essential to be on the lookout for these sneaky perpetrators of so much pain and division, so you can stop doing them and choose approaches that work SO much better in love.
Listen to this episode to hear the 7 primary Backfiring Tactics (I’ve added a few since the first episode on them years back), and why we are so prone to them, and what exactly they look like in action, along with recommendations for other episodes to go deeper into each one, so you can identify which ones you tend to fall prey to, and begin to put an end to them.
As you begin this process you will be moving out of the power-over dynamics that keep our marriages locked in painful cycles of struggle, and into the power WITH approaches, truly relationally empowered ones that make your marriage into one that continues to deepen over time in love, mutual respect, supportiveness, and joy.
-->SHORT TERM FREE OFFER --Sorry-Expired!: Get the PODCAST MAP, a trail guide to help you make the most of the podcast and find answers to your relationship questions, so you can have a better marriage as an HSP FOR FREE! This offer expired, but you can still get the Map! Get the Podcast Map by becoming a Podcast Supporter, so you can quickly identify the episodes most helpful for your unique relationship, by supporting the podcast (for as little as $3) HERE.
160 A common question I have heard from women I work with is, “How can I hold my partner accountable?” And the internet is full of people saying we need to hold our husbands accountable.
But what even does that really mean when it comes to an intimate relationship? And how do you actually do it? That’s what you will learn here today.
The truth is, “holding someone accountable” can be an important part of growing a great relationship, if you understand some of the subtleties of what it looks like. But there are many ways to try to do it that not only don’t work, but can sabotage an otherwise good relationship.
And even though you can’t force your partner to be accountable to his goals, agreements, or becoming a great partner, you can create the best conditions for them to hold themselves accountable. And that is what we really want to happen in our intimate relationships.
Listen in for 7 keys to doing so, including a very specific script for how to navigate it when he breaches an agreement, so your spouse will be most likely to follow through on better and better ways of being in your relationship.
161 Today is a quick dip into an absolutely ESSENTIAL part of building and maintaining a great relationship with your significant other: consciously fostering fondness of them. (You’ll do it in just 5 minutes!)
And yes, you CAN absolutely feel more warmth, admiration and love for them on purpose, and build in more of all the good stuff between you and your spouse.
A solid body of research about what makes marriages work indicates (and my clients experience confirms) that it will make your marriage stronger, your friendship deeper, and even the passion in your relationship more alive.
Unfortunately, it’s all too easy to let this piece slide (or just not know HOW to do it!). Then things tend to feel worse and worse in our relationships.
Luckily there are many ways to actively build a stronger sense of fondness for this person you've chosen to spend your life with–and only good things will come out of it, when you know how and actually put them into practice.
Today, I give you a very specific process (including 5 quick questions for you to answer) to do so! So dive in!
SHOW NOTES:
-->Take the free QUIZ:There are 3 core areas that are at the very SOURCE of what's not going well–and what will make it go well–in all marriages. Just ONE of these areas is most important for YOU to focus on first — and when you make some good changes in that area, you will see your relationship improve quickly.
162 Today you'll hear about one of the big things my husband and I do once a year that just lights up our marriage–it’s like a total connection, attraction, and intimacy rejuvenator for us. And it can be for you, too.
Although usually the most important work you can do in your marriage is about small actions and changes made on a regular basis, I’ve found that there are some bigger things you can do occasionally that will really infuse your relationship with so much of ALL that you most want it to be. This is one that I highly suggest.
Listen in to hear why this is so good for any marriage (including how it can amp up the attraction and passion between you, as well as set you up for a more connected relationship for the rest of the year), how to do this well as an HSP, how to handle obstacles to making it happen, and what to do if you have any resistance to this idea.
You’ll also hear why, although doing this is truly a gift to any intimate relationship, there is something that is definitely more essential to do when it comes to having a loving connected marriage–and I will share just what that is in this episode. Dive in.
SHOW NOTES: Get deeper marriage help from Hannah:
Is everything decent between you and your spouse, but a bit dull? If bringing alive more of that flirty attraction and connection of the earlier days is your top priority, my short training, Bring Back The Attraction, is a great starting place for you! Grab it here.
Even better? When you join Hannah for 4 months of private 1:1 Coaching, you'll get her deep, super individualized support to harness your power to feel amazing in your marriage and get more sensitivity, connection, and support than ever from your partner. Get started by filling out this form.
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