Coming Up for Air — A Toolkit to Help with Your Loved One's Recovery from Addiction & Mental Illness (Allies in Recovery)

CRAFT is like a menu. The better your awareness of patterns from watching yourself and your loved one – over time – and experimenting to see what works, the better you understand what to choose. Laurie talks about her learning process with her son, and how it led her to understand what she could and couldn’t live with. You can learn to open your eyes, to check with yourself in a very deep way, and notice what you may not have before. The more you know about what you’re looking for, the more effective CRAFT becomes, the better your decisions in the the moment. Eventually you can say, “This isn’t working, so here are your options,” and your loved one can choose.  

In many families, parents of children with substance abuse disorder are taking care of their grandchildren. Hosts Dominique, Laurie, and Kayla and guest Dr. Meme English discuss the complexities of a multigenerational dynamic, intergenerational trauma and substance use, the lack of resources for grandparents, and the need for people to connect to more support in these overwhelming circumstances and know that they’re not alone.

Join our Member Site today to take full advantage of Allies in   Recovery’s program, including 8 video modules, three blogs, and  dialogue  with experts in the fields of treatment and recovery.

Learn more @ alliesinrecovery.net

(39 min)   Following their discussion on Episode #72, Laurie, Kayla and Dominique look at the "First thought, Second Thought" phenomenon, a key topic in Cognitive Behavior Therapy.

It's an important one for anyone, but especially for families addressing the needs of a Loved One with addiction and/or trauma.

Kayla reminds us that "You are not the center of their universe, even if they love you," and emphasizes the importance of getting space inside our own heads. Thoughts happen, and we can actually learn to react and respond to them differently.

How do you get space? This is about getting mental space. Literally, you're taking a pause. You're looking at that first thought, saying "that's interesting," and putting some space before you allow the second thought in.

"When we look at our Loved Ones as the "Identified Problem," that's a trap that they can never get out of," says Kayla. "So, the more we look at ourselves  . . . the more we release them to just focus on themselves and their own issues. . . . What's my part of the problem so that I can do my part of the solution?"

Kayla and Laurie also look at the subtle beliefs behind the idea of "listening to your gut" — what should we actually do with our gut's messages? Listen? Follow?

You won't want to miss this!

Join our Member Site today to take full advantage of Allies in Recovery’s program, including 8 video modules, three blogs, and dialogue with experts in the fields of treatment and recovery.

Learn more @ alliesinrecovery.net   Membership is FREE during the COVID-19 pandemic.

Dominique tells the story of a dad who sees his son's truck at a saloon. Not wanting the son to drive home intoxicated, dad uses an extra key to drive the truck home, parking it a block away. The son returns home intoxicated, ranting about his "stolen truck."  Dad stays silent while the son calls the police. They arrive and the intoxicated son rages. Dad tells police (but not the son) where the truck is.

A listener says this whole scenario about dad parking truck away seems passive-aggressive, and asks what purpose was served. Was an enraged son the ultimate goal, so the police would arrest him?  Why did the father take no steps to alleviate his son's anxiety and anger? Wouldn't the CRAFT method say that when the son came home, he should see the truck in the driveway and get a brief explanation from dad on why it was there? Wouldn't the next day, when the son was sober and both parties more calm, be the time to discuss?

What do you do in those difficult moments when you feel ramped-up? Laurie and Kayla discuss strategies to back away and not go with the emotion of the moment.

When the noise dissipates and there's clarity, that's an "ah-ha moment." You can move forward in a different way. You might even find new commitment to a way of thinking or behaving that you didn't have access to before. Allies in Recovery uses CRAFT to give you the tool set for your own ah-ha moments, but also to help create the conditions for your loved one to find their own moments and possibilities for long-term change.

Dominique and Kayla discuss finding common ground with your loved one -- or anyone else -- on seemingly intractable issues.

Join our Member Site today to take full advantage of Allies in  Recovery’s program, including 8 video modules, three blogs, and dialogue  with experts in the fields of treatment and recovery.

Learn more @ alliesinrecovery.net

What do these terms mean? Should we use them? And are they disparaging? "Dry drunk" comes from Alcoholics Anonymous, and refers to someone who's abstinent, but may not obviously be doing more than remaining abstinent. And "manipulation" is often in the eye of the beholder. CRAFT can help take the judgment out of it and help you get to know your process, and make choices on how you feel, what you need, and the boundaries you can live with.

Allies in Recovery provides training and ongoing support for families ready to move forward and create real change in their loved one's addiction. We offer practical tools, expert guidance, and a compassionate community to support you every step of the way. 

Visit Allies in Recovery to learn about our membership options, read our blog posts, meet our team, and much more! 

PIUS is an acronym to help you communicate in tough moments. It stands for "positive statements," "I statements," "understanding statements," and "short, specific statements." Our hosts talk about what all that means and how you can implement it.

What goes around, comes around. Kenny, Bridget, and Elizabeth came to Allies in Recovery as family members looking for help with shifting the dynamic with an addicted Loved One. At the time, rather than recording episodes for the world, they were listening and learning, like you. Listen to them speak about their all-time favorite Coming Up for Air episodes and why they were so impactful.

One Families Speak family member recently referred to Allies in Recovery as “the Bible of Healing Ourselves.” Visit alliesinrecovery.net today and see why.

Here are the episodes referred to by our co-hosts:

Handling Hard Feelings

Don't Let Perfectionism Get In the Way 

Progress, Not Perfection  

Rupture & Repair

Intention vs. Perception   

How Do You Deal with Unknowns and Unlimited Contact? 

Interview with Linda Aber 1 

Interview with Linda Aber 2 

How Do You Negotiate When your LO is coming home? 

Reflective Listening, intentional dialogue & improving communication 

What are the challenges of Reflective Listening? 

How do you get past accumulated trauma? 

When Your Loved One is Homeless

If your loved one uses multiple substances, use the "functional analysis" to understand which substance to focus on first. Start small, by changing your own behavior in response to your loved one's use. Aim to shift over time. Study CRAFT modules 3, 5, and 6 closely to help make your plans.

Sometimes, our Loved Ones' situations call for incredibly difficult decisions. Co-host Hazel shares a recent high-stakes moment that felt like a necessary betrayal.

Our Families Speak series features a wonderful team of people navigating life with an addicted loved one. They are all members of Allies in Recovery, an online platform providing training, guidance, support and resources for families ready to shift the dynamic with their loved one struggling with substance use.

With grace, compassion, humility and deep generosity, the Families Speak team shares openly with Coming Up for Air listeners. We can thus benefit from their experience, their process, and the work they do with group facilitator and psychotherapist, Kayla Solomon.

Visit alliesinrecovery.net to learn about our membership options, read our blog posts, meet our team, and much more!

Your loved one goes to treatment, and often a call follows -- a call saying the place is terrible, or the people aren't good, or for some other reason they want to come home. Your job? Hold the line. Don't be part of that conversation; don't be part of an exit plan, even if they can leave on their own. Let them be uncomfortable. Give them the message that they can handle it, and can get something good from the situation if they stick with it.

Burnout happens when you've got nothing left in the tank. When you're the superhero "yes person," it can happen easily, bringing fatigue and anxiety. When it does, you have one job: take a real, significant break to refill your tank in whatever way works best for you. Start by saying no, giving yourself room to rest.

What's the impact of substance use and other health challenges on the entire family, particularly when all the attention is focused on one person? This important and often difficult conversation helps alleviate the guilt that parents and other care providers feel about such disparities, and shows us how to be more sensitive to those family members who may appear to be doing just fine.

Join our Member Site today to take full advantage of Allies in  Recovery’s program, including 8 video modules, three blogs, and dialogue  with experts in the fields of treatment and recovery.

Learn more @ alliesinrecovery.net

What’s the impact of emotions on how we interact with loved ones? Learn to acknowledge, claim, and identify your emotions. Don’t discuss anything when you’re reactive. Instead, pause, check in with your feelings, and don’t take things personally. Have a strategy that’s not confrontational or accusing, but engaging. Calm your system, and engage in a way that you can feel good about. Hopefully this will reverberate with your loved one and create change over time.

Kayla and Isabel discuss the complications of rewarding your Loved One with addiction, in the context of a partner relationship. How does it affect time with children? How about intimacy?

Partner CRAFT is the podcast series by Allies in Recovery that focuses on applying the CRAFT method with a romantic partner (or ex-partner) who struggles with addiction. Co-hosts Kayla Solomon (psychotherapist, IMAGO counselor and Group Facilitator for Allies in Recovery) speaks with Isabel Cooney (Allies in Recovery team member, and ex-partner of an addicted Loved One) about the ways the CRAFT approach can be different when your loved one is your partner, rather than your child.

A membership at Allies in Recovery gives you unlimited access to:

• Support groups for connection & guidance
• Our online learning platform to teachyou through the CRAFT skillset step-by-step
• A Q & A blog where you can ask questions and receive tailored guidance ... and much more!

Visit Allies in Recovery to explore membership options, read our blog, meet our team, and start your journey today.

Though CRAFT is often used in parent-child or other relationships, its powerful tools work extremely well for couples, too. Learn how and why that's true.

Our hosts discuss and offer advice on two stories and questions covered in the Allies in Recovery blog. First is a look at a woman who took a stand with her older sister -- who then dropped out of sight. Second is a family whose loved one experienced seizures during withdrawal, but wanted to stay alone while detoxing.

A continued discussion of the CRAFT model in romantic relationships. In part 2, our hosts talk about practicing and using the tools of CRAFT in difficult moments to address not you  loved one's substance use, but the relationship-affecting behavior that happens with substance use.

A continued discussion of families and treatment. Part one examined how the family can affect treatment and  vice-versa. Part two looks at the overall idea: taking care of yourself and observing your own boundaries, while asking how you might best add to treatment.

Podcast 84

With your best Allies

From Allies in Recovery

Why all the hubbub about stigmatizing language when it comes to Substance Use?  Is "addiction" a bad word?

Laurie MacDougall is author of the article "The Power of Language," on the Allies in Recovery blog, which explores how removing stigma from the language we use (ie, Substance Use vs. Substance Abuse) can have dramatic effects on the care and treatment people receive.

Laurie explains her position (and how she came to it) to colleagues et co-hosts Kayla and Dominique, who at first admit they'd rather stick to their established ways of referring to Addiction / Substance Use Disorder / Opiate Use Disorder / Alcohol Use Disorder, etc.

Will Laurie win them over?

Join our Member Site today to take full advantage of Allies in Recovery’s program, including 8 video modules, three blogs, and dialogue with experts in the fields of treatment and recovery.

Learn more @ alliesinrecovery.net   Membership is FREE during the COVID-19 pandemic.

If you find yourself swept away in the undertow of negative thinking about what might happen and how you might prevent it, the number-one tool to use is stepping back, noticing that you're doing it. Number two is deciding to shift it, starting with "no negative talk." And third is hitting the metaphorical "reset" button, finding something to soothe yourself. At first, it may not go well, but over time, you can get good at it.

Addiction specialist Dr. Carl Erik Fisher discusses the effects of stress on the body, and shares some mindfulness techniques that are proven effective. Dr. Fisher and our hosts explain how mindfulness can help families in recovery achieve a sense of agency in their lives by allowing them more control over their emotions.

Join our Member Site today to take full advantage of Allies in Recovery’s program, including 8 video modules, three blogs, and dialogue with experts in the fields of treatment and recovery.

Learn more @ alliesinrecovery.net

It can be easy, particularly when those outside a situation offer advice, to overlook the history of trauma that may exist for a family member. CRAFT takes the idea of healing out of a therapy model, to a community-based model. It's a long-term process of learning new tools and ways to interact. It begins with family members understanding themselves, their patterns and reactivity, so they're equipped for the long-term work of healing -- with the support of Allies in Recovery all along the way.

In part 2, Linda offers tools to help calm the parasympathetic nervous system. As Kayla says, it's part of gaining coherence, a prerequisite for connection. Linda Aber is a mother whose psychology journey deepened when she adopted two children from Russian orphanages. She is an  Attachment Parent Coach, Certified Nurtured Heart® Approach Trainer, Certified Theraplay® Group Specialist, Certified HeartMath® Anxiety/Anger Reduction Practitioner and Family Life Educator CCFE.

When you want something, how do you request it? Hosts Laurie and Kayla talk about developing a communication style that aims to influence, not control. Influence comes from a softer, more open and compassionate position, and it can change the dynamic of the relationship over time.

Join our Member Site today to take full advantage of Allies in Recovery’s program, including 8 video modules, three blogs, and dialogue with experts in the fields of treatment and recovery.

Learn more @ alliesinrecovery.net

Working with people who aren’t yet on-board with CRAFT? Learn the tools, and engage with the site, the podcast, and the groups. Put it into practice, even if you’re doing so alone. Look for chances to show the material to someone who’s reluctant – teaching the tools will mean you learn more thoroughly yourself. There are two big benefits to solo action. Primarily, your loved one might get into treatment. But regardless, you’ll feel more connected to them. If you use these tools with everyone, it will lead to more connection there, too. Your work will pay off.

CRAFT as choreography? Our hosts step into the metaphor of a dance with your loved one. This isn't a traditional dance -- it's a look at the steps to see what works and what doesn't, to CRAFT a new dance and change your role. The idea is to learn new tools, practice them, and see where they fit in. Be patient. It's a process.

Stigma is a story someone makes up about a situation. CRAFT provides a framework, and helps you take the story apart and change it, consciously addressing situations and moving forward with eyes open. Stigma takes power away, but making conscious choices brings your power back.

When your loved one is coming home, it's time to collaborate and negotiate about expectations and plans. It's important to hear what consequences they suggest for certain actions or inaction, and to keep communicating openly over time. 

This is a ripe moment to have a talk about the various possibilities and what might occur in the near future. This is a PERFECT time to use the leverage you have (they want to come home, they are not currently using substances).

The CRAFT model that we teach at alliesinrecovery.net is a therapeutic process that teaches us how to be in relationship. Shift your loved one's trajectory with substances and recovery by shifting your own patterns.

In part 2 of 2, Isabel, Kayla, and their co-hosts -- family members with direct experience -- discuss their favorite tools and tips they've picked up from working with the CRAFT method through Allies in Recovery.

Our Families Speak series features a wonderful team of people navigating life with an addicted loved one. They are all members of Allies in Recovery, an online platform providing training, guidance, support and resources to families ready to shift the dynamic with their loved one struggling with substance use.

With grace, compassion, humility and deep generosity, the Families Speak team shares openly with Coming Up for Air listeners. We can thus benefit from their experience, their process, and the work they do with group facilitator and psychotherapist, Kayla Solomon.

Visit alliesinrecovery.net to learn about our membership options, read our blog posts, meet our team, and much more!

Children are often present when a parent or other Loved One uses substances problematically. It can be complicated to know how much to say to them about the substance use, and they might not necessarily have the words to talk about it. Kayla and Isabel talk about ways to spare the children as much as possible, and even "use them" as leverage.

Partner CRAFT is the podcast series by Allies in Recovery that focuses on applying the CRAFT method with a romantic partner (or ex-partner) who struggles with addiction. Co-hosts Kayla Solomon (psychotherapist, IMAGO counselor and Group Facilitator for Allies in Recovery) speaks with Isabel Cooney (Allies in Recovery team member, and ex-partner of an addicted Loved One) about the ways the CRAFT approach can be different when your loved one is your partner, rather than your child.A membership at Allies in Recovery gives you unlimited access to:

• Support groups for connection & guidance
• Our online learning platform to teach you through the CRAFT skillset step-by-step
• A Q & A blog where you can ask questions and receive tailored guidance
• And much more!

Visit Allies in Recovery to explore membership options, read our blog, meet our team, and start your journey today.

Our hosts have a conversation with Bill Carruthers, who describes himself as "a person in long-term recovery." He is also a Certified Psychiatric Rehabilitation Practitioner; a Certified Peer Specialist for Mental Health, Addictive Disease, and Whole Health; and a Forensic Peer Mentor. He has done hundreds of presentations and workshops, and works to bring a voice gained through recovery experience to the transformation of current systems and programs. He is a new partner with Allies in Recovery.

How do you handle that difficult time when your loved one comes home from treatment, and is back in an old environment, complete with old triggers? It can be a time of depression and anxiety. Think about reconnection -- being present and engaged, making things fun when you can, and using the CRAFT communication tools to leave doors open.

When you’re in the middle of crisis, feeling reactive or uncertain about what to do, use the “three questions” to helps create space and time and take the best action. What am I feeling? What can I do about it (think as broadly as possible)? What am I actually gonna do? Kayla likes to consider a fourth: What’s happening that’s making me feel this way?

Guest Dr. Carl Erik Fisher talks about the historical context of addiction and approaches to treatment, the subject of his new book, The Urge.

In this episode of Coming Up for Air, Annie Highwater and Katie Donovan share thoughts about how their children's active addiction affected their whole family. Invested to help their kids overcome addiction, they both questionned their own behaviors, only to grow, heal and become stronger women, mothers, and individuals.

amothersaddictionjourney.com
anniehighwater.com

Join our Member Site today to take full advantage of Allies in Recovery’s program, including 8 video modules, three blogs, and dialogue with experts in the fields of treatment and recovery. Learn more @ alliesinrecovery.net Membership is FREE during the COVID-19 pandemic. 

Do things feel one-way in your relationship to your loved one? Reframe it. You're taking your power back -- not to change them, but to change yourself, to grow and learn. If you're bringing your best self to the relationship, you'll inevitably change the dynamic, helping the other person heal.

Your situation is uniquely your own. But as with any illness, it’s not entirely unique—others are also dealing with the illness. Trying strategies to manage your condition is the same thing as using CRAFT for coping with addiction. An important part of CRAFT is the C, which stands for “community.” Don’t be hopeless. Step out and bring the things you’re struggling with to the site, possibly to a group. Meet the people dealing with similar issues, and break the isolation to find out what the experts—other families—are doing.

It’s important to CRAFT that you become a complex thinker – not just black/white or good/bad, but looking at a bigger picture to see a range of possibilities and hold more than one truth. To, as Kayla says, “heal into wholeness,” it’s important to become more yourself by experiencing all the feelings and thoughts you may have, to hold them and see your perspective and the other person’s. The bigger picture you get, the more you can see possibilities that make you more whole and lead to healing.

Behavioral health trainer and consultant in Evidence Based Practices, Cultural Considerations, and Ethical Issues Brian Serna has taken CRAFT's practical applications quite far. He visits the Coming Up for AIR team to discuss his work with families and others in New Mexico, as well as his advocacy work to change how CRAFT receives funding. Serna focuses on making CRAFT an everyday practice, and how working on yourself can help your loved one's trajectory change over time.

Enmeshment is a blurring of the boundaries between people. How the other person feels affects you intensely. Enmeshment is one-way -- your thoughts, feelings, and choices are about the other person's well-being. Countering enmeshment means checking in with ourselves, calming our systems down, taking pauses, and allowing the other person the dignity of their own process. You can learn to listen and make reasonable requests and develop a healthier kind of connection.

Laurie and Kayla discuss change -- how to manage it, how quickly it can or can't happen, and how to focus your efforts.

Treatment and recovery are not black-and-white ideas. With CRAFT, it's a matter of progress, not perfection. We want our loved ones to heal, to get their lives back. But change happens over time, and there are many ways to get there. Notice what's good, and work on the relationship. Treatment is how you engage them and help them learn what they like and enjoy it again. Be part of the joy, not a source of negativity. Be ready for when they're ready for new options.

People around you may want to be helpful, but not know quite how to truly help. They may offer pat answers or tell you to calm down because things aren't so bad. The temptation is to play the short game, to get caught up in the moment and solve the immediate crisis. Instead, learn how to calm your system CRAFT-style, so that you can process and not be as reactive. Think longer-term -- if you do the CRAFT work over time, join groups, find community, and learn new ways of thinking, it changes the process. Use the Allies in Recovery site to ask questions and connect to others in the community you, as an Allies podcast listener, are part of.

It's smart to avoid giving unsolicited advice. If you receive it, hold  your ground, knowing that you're dedicated to upholding the CRAFT model.  Consider telling the advice-giver to look into CRAFT to understand what  you're doing.

Linda Aber is a mother whose psychology journey deepened when she adopted two children from Russian orphanages. She is an  Attachment Parent Coach, Certified Nurtured Heart® Approach Trainer, Certified Theraplay® Group Specialist, Certified HeartMath® Anxiety/Anger Reduction Practitioner and Family Life Educator CCFE. In part 1, she joins our hosts to discuss the parasympathetic nervous system, CRAFT, and parenting.

(1 hour 1 min) Kayla Solomon joins Laurie MacDougall to address the question, “How do Alanon / Naranon differ from CRAFT?” 

The two most common approaches for family members dealing with SUD are broken down and compared. Listen to this in-depth discussion on the differences, and a few similarities, between CRAFT and Alanon/Naranon.

Which approach discourages continued interaction with your LO?
Which one encourages you to reflect upon both the family member's role and the LO's behaviors?
Which one gives you a toolkit for staying in touch and building a bridge with your LO?

You can't afford not to listen to this episode!

Join our Member Site today to take full advantage of Allies in Recovery’s program, including 8 video modules, three blogs, and dialogue with experts in the fields of treatment and recovery. Learn more @ alliesinrecovery.net   Membership is FREE during the COVID-19 pandemic.

Topics in this post: Al-Anon, CRAFT 101, Self-help groups

Ever felt baffled or enraged by communicating with a loved one? Check out this popular episode from 2021, hosted by Isabel Cooney, Laurie MacDougall, and Kayla Solomon. What is "reflective listening?" How does it work? What are the benefits for you, and the person you're listening to? And why does Kayla believe in it so much that she'd use it if someone were pointing a gun at her?

The rest of our interview with Jaclyn Brown, a podcast host and voice  for advocacy. In part 1, she discussed losing her brother to addiction.  In part 2, she discusses the aftermath, and what she does to create  space in her own life for her ongoing grief.

You can become an agent of change by changing yourself. How do you step back, take space, change the dance from the usual interactions? You can't do that if you're moving too fast to assess things. Remember that change starts slowly; make small changes, and let them accumulate over time. Crisis that happens all the time is actually chronic behavior, and no longer crisis in the same sense. You can't lift a car off someone every day -- you have to change the underlying dynamic.

Our hosts discuss the individual nature of the  term "recovery." They look at recovery as an evolution involving growth,  change, finding meaning, and finding ease. They say the best plan is to  respect people's processes, plant seeds when you can, and stay  interested in how your loved one defines the process for themselves.

Self-care is a pillar of CRAFT; helping yourself is essential to helping your Loved One. A lot of CRAFT focuses on a parent trying to help an adult child, so how do we shift things in a partner relationship so we're able to play the starring role in our own lives? Is there room to focus on ourselves when our loved one is not showing up in the relationship, family, or household?

Partner CRAFT is a podcast series by Allies in Recovery⁠ that focuses on applying the CRAFT method with a romantic partner (or ex-partner) struggling with addiction. Co-hosts Kayla Solomon (psychotherapist, IMAGO counselor, and Allies in Recovery group facilitator) and Isabel Cooney (Allies in Recovery team member and ex-partner of a loved one with addiction) discuss the unique challenges of using CRAFT in these relationships—and how it can transform them. 

A membership at Allies in Recovery gives you unlimited access to: 
✔ Step-by-step CRAFT training tailored for families and partners 
✔ Support groups and a community that understands 
✔ A Q&A blog with expert guidance 
✔ And much more! 

Visit Allies in Recovery to learn about our membership options, read our blog posts, meet our team, and much more! 

There's a science to identifying the ripest moments for talking with your Loved One and knowing how to navigate them. Find out the opening lines that are sure to shut the conversation down before it even starts. Find out how to approach your Loved One in a way that keeps communication lines open. And finally, find out what you should have in your back pocket in case a ripe moment arises.

A membership at Allies in Recovery gives you unlimited access to:

· Support groups for connection & guidance

· Our online learning platform to teach you through the CRAFT skillset step-by-step

· A Q&A blog where you can ask questions and receive tailored guidance

· And much more!

Visit alliesinrecovery.net to explore membership options, read our blog, meet our team, and start your journey today.

What can we control? When we set boundaries, what happens for us and our loved one? Our hosts point out that change requires patience, time, and more patience.

Join our Member Site today to take full advantage of Allies in  Recovery’s program, including 8 video modules, three blogs, and dialogue  with experts in the fields of treatment and recovery.

Learn more @ alliesinrecovery.net

When you're beyond the fatigue of burnout, you're hitting the wall. Stressors have accumulated, and your emotions feel unmanageable. Step back. Claim your emotions, but state them briefly, making it clear you're going to go take care of yourself. Ask yourself how bad things are, and how much help you need. Allow yourself the compassion and patience to take a break.

In the first of two episodes with an Allies member, our hosts discuss her experience with her former husband, and issues of intimacy -- how does it function as part of the CRAFT framework? Is it, should it be a reward?

A look at CRAFT as the beginning of  treatment – as connection, openness, curiosity, and modeling change. Our hosts advocate focusing not on what your loved one does, but on case management, on researching available options to present when the time is  right. That leaves you free to work on changing the dynamic and going for connection.

What questions should you ask, and what plans should you make if your loved one is coming home? Dominique and Kayla discuss a family's question about a new living situation.

In this closer look at Module 5, you’ll learn a tenet of CRAFT – rewarding positive behavior and removing rewards for negative behavior. When it comes to “using,” the moment-by-moment details become important. Your job is increasing your awareness by witnessing and noticing your loved one’s behavior. “Using” is really a larger term including before, during, and after interacting with a substance. Everything else is “not using.” When there are periods, maybe tiny ones, of not using, move in with gentle, quiet rewards of connection. It’s important, too, to learn how to calm your system enough to do this process. It’s all trial and error, so don’t judge yourself for not doing it right. But do notice how what you’re doing makes an impact. Check out Module 5 for more.

Laurie asks co-host Kayla questions about the role of a therapist in addressing substance use disorder. Kayla Solomon is a social worker in private practice in Northampton, Mass. Her specialty in addiction began right after college when she was hired as a methadone counselor in Brooklyn. She has worked in Intensive Outpatient Programs, clinics, residential and private practice. She is certified in Imago Relationship therapy, Cognitive Behavioral therapy, and Brainspotting.

How do you handle the difficulties of giving advice? Our hosts discuss the best ways to approach such conversations -- including simply listening.

Let's look at shame and negative thinking and discuss how to slow down, gain awareness, and soothe your system. Our hosts focus on the essential tool of empathy -- especially for yourself -- as a way to  understand what story you’re making up, and change that story by looking for the positive even in difficult moments.

In today's episode of Coming Up for Air, Annie Highwater focuses on peer support. She interviews Brian Bailys, Thrive CEO and creator of Ascent.

Ascent - Regain Control is a patient support mobile app designed to help people in recovery walk the path to sobriety.   Ascent also is an in-person peer recovery coaching service and an emergency room peer support service. Listen in to learn more about peer recovery coaching and Thrive Peer Support.

Learn more about Thrive @ thrivepeersupport.org
Check out the Ascent - Regain Control app here or get in touch hello@ascent-program.com

Warmest thanks you to Annie for her inspiring words, her dedication and her enthusiasm. Click here for more Coming Up for Air episodes.

Join our Member Site today to take full advantage of Allies in Recovery’s program, including 8 video modules, three blogs, and dialogue with experts in the fields of treatment and recovery. Learn more @ alliesinrecovery.net Membership is FREE during the COVID-19 pandemic.

Your thoughts have power. Anxiety is a thought process. Our hosts share their experiences and most importantly, the tools we need in order to start shifting negative thinking towards positive. When we emanate that positivity, it has a cascading effect on our entire entourage. The CRAFT method for families with an addicted loved one teaches us to get a little distance from our thought patterns in order to see them more clearly. Kayla and Laurie discuss how to handle negative thinking, and why it’s important to do so.

(34min) CRAFT puts the family in the role of informed shepherd for their Loved One (LO) with Substance Use, and the method was designed for families who have day-to-day interactions with the LO and can use their influence in that framework.

But how do you continue the conversation and work the magic of CRAFT if your Loved One is far away, or if you have very minimal contact?

Can you rekindle communication, can you get to a softer, more trusting relationship, and can you shine the light on treatment for your Loved One. . . all the while being far away or having minimal interactions? We believe that yes, you absolutely can!

Learn to coax the scared, wounded animal back out of the woods and back into a relationship with you. Learn to communicate without the anxiety and panic that are often part of the family member's experience, by putting yourself in a "connecting position" vs. a "threatening position." Learn how to change the dynamic of "the pursuer and the avoider" with your communications. Kayla's example is: "Send cat photos . . . and use emojis!"

Join our Member Site today to take full advantage of Allies in Recovery’s program, including 8 video modules, three blogs, and dialogue with experts in the fields of treatment and recovery.

Learn more @ alliesinrecovery.net   Membership is FREE during the COVID-19 pandemic.

When there's Substance Use Disorder (SUD) and mental health diagnoses, what do you do? Can you use CRAFT? Yes, most of the time you can, unless the mental health issues make you or them unsafe. Co-host Bridget offers a central point: with this difficult combo, think of what is, not "what if."

Our Families Speak series features a wonderful team of people navigating life with an addicted loved one. They are all members of Allies in Recovery, an online platform providing training, guidance, support and resources for families ready to shift the dynamic with their loved one struggling with substance use.

With grace, compassion, humility and deep generosity, the Families Speak team shares openly with Coming Up for Air listeners. We can thus benefit from their experience, their process, and the work they do with group facilitator and psychotherapist, Kayla Solomon.
Visit alliesinrecovery.net to learn about our membership options, read our blog posts, meet our team, and much more!

The end goal of CRAFT is treatment, but what does that mean, and what does it look like? In addition to more-expected forms, treatment is anything that engages your loved one, that provides meaning and helps them look at themselves. What's our role in presenting these options when a loved one says they're ready to hear them? Do the research and put together a treatment list for when that time comes. 

(29 min)   Kayla and Laurie dive into the issue 'When crisis mode becomes chronic.' They look into WHY you don't want that, including the neuro-science behind it (cortisol levels).  "Fight or flight is an unsustainable state," Kayla points out. If it has become your new normal, know that you're not doing yourself, or your loved one, any favors.

Poking fun at her own tendency to want to "fix" situations and wield her baseball bat, Kayla reminds us that (unless it's actually our job), we are NOT first responders.  Laurie describes the days when she was desperately calling her son's drug dealers or lurking in their neighborhoods, when he'd gone missing.

Learn why Laurie and Kayla are both huge fans of "the pause." And why it's sometimes important to embrace the "I don't know."

When our thoughts and feelings are out of control, we often respond by trying to try to fix or control the situation with our loved one, but that is often simply not possible. However, it IS possible to override the out-of-control feelings, to learn the skills to calm ourselves down.

Our hosts help you understand how to identify and differentiate "crisis" and "chronic" and what to do once you've determined what you're facing in a given moment.

Join our Member Site today to take full advantage of Allies in Recovery’s program, including 8 video modules, three blogs, and dialogue with experts in the fields of treatment and recovery.

Learn more @ alliesinrecovery.net   Membership is FREE during the COVID-19 pandemic.

We sometimes hitch our well-being to another person's behavior and emotional state. Strong negative emotions can get in the way of connection. When they happen, notice and respond, but don't derail with the other person. You can see your thoughts as stories -- what story are you telling yourself that produces your emotions? The idea is to turn your attention to yourself and what the emotion is doing to you. Try to slow down so you can be most effective, and work on your own sense of well-being, which will positively affect your loved one. Take time to work on your emotions separately, not dumping them on others. Ask "How do I manage and express this emotion in a productive way?" This is the beginning of stronger connection.

How do you work with anxiety so it's of service to you? Sometimes, anxiety is information akin to intuition, a sign that maybe you need to set up a boundary. At the same time, the only completely accurate fact in moments of anxiety is that you don't know. Part of the work we need to do is getting comfortable with and coping with not-knowing.

Allies in Recovery provides training and ongoing support for families ready to move forward and create real change in their loved one's addiction. We offer practical tools, expert guidance, and a compassionate community to support you every step of the way. 

Visit Allies in Recovery to learn about our membership options, read our blog posts, meet our team, and much more! 

If you have an addicted loved one, chances are you're all too familiar with "hyper-arousal" or "survival mode." As Emily explains with brio, this state is meant to serve us when there's danger, then pass. What does it look like when we're chronically in this mode?

Physical and mental/emotional signs are there and can serve as signposts, Emily explains, indicating we're heading down a certain path. Awareness is KEY in being able to begin the process of observing, naming what's happening, then (once the actual crisis has subsided) gathering tools and rehearsing a response for the next time.

At Allies in Recovery we train, guide and support families using the CRAFT method. Self-care is a cornerstone, for so many reasons, but many of us need to learn it from scratch. Visit alliesinrecovery.net to learn more about membership.

To learn more about Emily Cooney, and her coaching offerings, visit emilycooney.com or @goldfinch_wellness

In their work with families of addicted loved ones, Kayla and Dominique have observed how certain patterns are mirrored. In a nutshell, our loved ones with SUD become fixated on their substance of choice, and they become compulsive about using it. Over time, the family member often becomes fixated on their addicted loved one, and finds themselves compulsively trying to fix the situation. Knowing this can be useful if you're ready to effect change... 

Join our Member Site today to take full advantage of Allies in Recovery’s program, including 8 video modules, three blogs, and dialogue with experts in the fields of treatment and recovery.

Learn more @ alliesinrecovery.net

to come(35 min) The family of a loved one using substances often receives discouraging messages like "there's nothing you can do to change things" or "just wait until they hit rock bottom."

The CRAFT method flies in the face of those cultural beliefs. At Allies in Recovery, we give families a framework, a toolkit, a system to put in place. Results don't appear overnight, though as our founder, Dominique Simon-Levine, often says, "CRAFT is the fastest way through. Even if you feel things need an urgent response."

This episode focuses on "Low-Hanging Fruit," meaning: Give yourself some easy-to-accomplish, satisfying tasks that you can do today, to help move the situation forward with your loved one.

You absolutely can help to move things forward. There absolutely are action items that you can do TODAY. And you absolutely can influence your loved one in the direction of treatment and recovery. Science has shown this to be true. Listen in!

Join our Member Site today to take full advantage of Allies in Recovery’s program, including 8 video modules, three blogs, and dialogue with experts in the fields of treatment and recovery.

Learn more @ alliesinrecovery.net   Membership is FREE during the COVID-19 pandemic.

What sets CRAFT apart? It focuses on gaining awareness of your own behavior and reactivity, and equips you with the tools to do it. Simultaneously, you learn to notice what works for your loved one and to make healthy, positive choices that can create change in time.

A continuation of last week's podcast, we get in depth about the intricacies of dealing with a loved one in a situation of limited connection navigating the realities of the dynamics in

how do you communicate and draw a loved one back in and stay connected and draw em back in when theres limited communication

or stuck with only text messaging and also what do you do when you finally have that commmunication with a call with your loved on and they are beligerent and treating you like a whipping post

Join our Member Site today to take full advantage of Allies in Recovery’s program, including 8 video modules, three blogs, and dialogue with experts in the fields of treatment and recovery.

Learn more @ alliesinrecovery.net   Membership is FREE during the COVID-19 pandemic.

AIR is an applied version of the original CRAFT research. It focuses on the family as the center of a system which also includes the AIR community, and as integral to the healing of the person with substance use disorder. You get help any time, online and in groups. AIR also focuses on cultural competency, helping you individualize the methods in a way that works for your family. CRAFT is a way of thinking and gaining openness, safety, and connection -- and you can make it your own.

When you have expectations about someone else’s behavior, you’re setting yourself up for disappointment. If you’re focused on yourself, you get to avoid that disappointment – you get to have agency, think about what your values are and who you want to be, then act accordingly. How do you engage with your loved one and have a more positive relationship, one in which they feel you’re someone to trust? When you work on having good boundaries and not overstepping them, the outcome can be beautiful for the other person. Even small manifestations of positive movement in the relationship are worth celebrating.

Christina Dent discusses her new book, Curious: A Foster Mom's Discovery of an Unexpected Solution to Drugs and Addiction. Christina grew up in a conservative Christian home. Her views of addiction changed dramatically when she and her husband became foster parents. Christina founded the non-profit End It For Good to invite others to listen to the voices directly impacted by our drug laws.

Info on End it for Good: https://enditforgood.com/

Christina's book: https://www.amazon.com/Curious-Discovery-Unexpected-Solution-Addiction/dp/B0CMCDV8VP

How do you hold tough conversations? Be careful with your timing; have a plan; stay calm. CRAFT can help you learn the signs of your loved one being receptive, and give you the skills to communicate effectively in less-than-ideal circumstances. Kayla and Laurie offer the details.

How important is it to know for certain whether your loved one is using? The greatest value comes in following your instincts, rewarding your loved one's positive behavior and removing rewards when you suspect use, rather than getting caught up in finding the evidence.

Join our Member Site today to take full advantage of Allies in Recovery’s program, including 8 video modules, three blogs, and dialogue with experts in the fields of treatment and recovery.

Learn more @ alliesinrecovery.net

When your loved one is returning, communicate and collaborate -- about your expectations, concerns, and plans. Keep on collaborating over time, so that if concerns arise, your loved one can take responsibility and have agency, so that you're not running the show on your own. Without their "skin in the game," little can change. Model engagement, which is also part of the treatment process.

Times of crisis and conflict may seem like the worst times to practice self-care -- yet in those moments, taking care of yourself is key to CRAFT. The more you learn to increase your awareness of yourself and your reaction, the more you can successfully use CRAFT tools. If what you want to happen in those times involves your loved one's actions, it's not likely to be successful. Changing your actions and reactions, however, alters the environment and creates the possibility of change.

In part 1, our Allies member discussed intimacy and its role in applying CRAFT in a romantic relationship. In part 2, she discusses how she's handled issues related to kids, CRAFT, and talking to them about substance use disorder.

Alex Ribbentrop joins the Allies in Recovery hosts to discuss intergenerational trauma, substance use, the importance of family, and finding connection. Alex is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, Qualified Supervisor, EMDR Trained Clinician, and Certified Family Trauma Professional, practicing in Virginia, Maryland, and Florida.

If you're forced to have limited contact, it can be hard to handle the unknown. It's important to learn how to be in contact in simple ways, and to calm your system down to respond well and strengthen the connection. Use humor; find ways to connect with who they are and what they like -- reminding them of who they are becomes a bridge and connection. If you’re worried, learn how to communicate simply, without accusation or judgement.

When your Loved One has substance use and/or mental illness, communication can get sticky and prickly pretty quickly. Yet there's no world where we'll never need to have difficult conversations with our family members. CRAFT provides an incredibly effective toolbox for developing more easeful relationships. In this episode, our co-hosts—family members dealing with a Loved One's substance/mental health struggles—share how they've come to approach sensitive topics.

The skillset they've learned from Allies in Recovery, and the dedicated way they have practiced using those skills, has helped them to recognize the best times to share a comment, the best tone/mindset to adopt when doing so, and what reasonable expectations are for these exchanges.

Every human can benefit from this conversation which is overflowing with wisdom, humility and common sense approaches.

Learn more about Allies in Recovery and how we can help you help your Loved One.

Oy, the holidays. It can be a time full of triggers, for our Loved One with substance use disorder, but also for the family member. It's also a time where we can get disconcerting questions about our how our loved ones have been doing.

Three family members join Kayla to share wisdom and experiences around the holidays, from answering questions about how Loved Ones are doing to create new traditions in lieu of old ones. Maintaining connections—with boundaries and without enmeshment—is an important part of the work. When ties are blurry, it's harmful to your loved one. It can make them feel guilt and shame about what they're doing to you.

One of the first aspects of CRAFT work is addressing separation and connection.

Our Families Speak series features a wonderful team of people navigating life with an addicted Loved One. They are all members of Allies in Recovery⁠ , an online platform providing training, guidance, support and resources for families ready to shiftthe dynamic with their loved one struggling with substance use.
With grace, compassion, humility and deep generosity, the Families Speak team shares openly with Coming Up for Air listeners. We can thus benefit from their experience, their process, and the work they do with group facilitator and psychotherapist, Kayla Solomon.

Visit Allies in Recovery to learn about our membership options, read our blog posts, meet our team, and much more!

A basic overview of the CRAFT model for families facing a loved one's addiction -- including how it works, and why it works. In this segment, you will learn how the CRAFT skill set can be applied to any situation. Laurie also shares her personal experience with CRAFT and how it helped to empower her own  family.

Join our Member Site today to take full advantage of Allies in Recovery’s program, including 8 video modules, three blogs, and dialogue with experts in the fields of treatment and recovery.

Learn more @ alliesinrecovery.net

It can be easy to dismiss things that don't work immediately, to give up and say, "Now what?" That's usually the wrong strategy. Instead, see every day as a new one, and remember that CRAFT takes practice and time. See CRAFT methods as tools for life, for all relationships. Stepping back, listening effectively, giving people respect and power, self-care, focusing on the positive -- all of it adds up to create change over time.

CRAFT can work from far away. Pay attention to yourself as well as your loved one – if something increases your anxiety afterward, that’s not a great tool. Changes may not be enormous – keep trying things, and keep stepping back more and more. Shift your behavior and notice what works. This helps you keep going, and not do harm.

Columbus, Ohio. Allies in Recovery contributor and acclaimed writer Annie Highwater meets with some of Heartland High's key staff members, making for an uplifting and heartfelt Coming Up for Air episode!

In today's episode, School Director Dr. Paige Stewart and Student Engagement Coordinator Jennifer Belemu describe Heartland High's ground-breaking approach based on individualized learning, kindness and compassion. Listen in to learn more about how Heartland students in recovery manage to rekindle hope as well as regain self-confidence and dignity.

heartlandhighschool.org
anniehighwater.com

Warmest thanks to Annie for her inspiring words, her dedication and her enthusiasm. Click here for more Coming Up for Air episodes.

Join our Member Site today to take full advantage of Allies in Recovery’s program, including 8 video modules, three blogs, and dialogue with experts in the fields of treatment and recovery. Learn more @ alliesinrecovery.net Membership is FREE during the COVID-19 pandemic.

How does shame fit in to Substance Use and the family system? We're not talking about the shame you feel when you've done something regrettable, but rather the deeper, internalized belief that so many of us have, that says "There's something wrong with me." Kayla calls it "character assassination".

Shame plays a prominent role where substance use has become problematic: the person misusing substances often feels shame about being stuck in the pattern, and the family often falls into the trap of blaming themselves for where their child/family member is, which they may feel reflects badly on them. It can be a real shame-fest.

Join our hosts for this illuminating conversation. You'll learn to start peeling away the layers and get to the core of the issue.

Why is this important? Why is it one of the things we ask you to look at when you're working our program for families? Because the family works as a system. And the more you learn to see and understand your role in the system, the more power you'll have to shift the dynamic. This does work!

Join our Member Site today to take full advantage of Allies in Recovery’s program, including 8 video modules, three blogs, and dialogue with experts in the fields of treatment and recovery.

Learn more @ alliesinrecovery.net   Membership is FREE during the COVID-19 pandemic.

Dominique shares a family’s question about a loved one who’s addressed the most pressing substance use. Should the family now focus on their loved one’s cannabis use? Our hosts discuss harm reduction and the role of the “functional analysis” in CRAFT to address such questions. The analysis involves reviewing what’s changed, patterns and dynamics, and making sure your own behaviors support reduction of use. These actions are subtle, and their subtlety makes them more effective. Even with multiple substances, they recommend addressing one at a time. The functional analysis should keep happening with different drugs, so that you know which behaviors to reward and which to walk away from. The Allies site includes cannabis resources discussing withdrawal and tolerance, and the more-concentrated form of use called “dabbing. 

An honest and deeply real account from two sisters. They were pre-teens when their parents split up and they started to see the signs their Dad had a serious drinking problem. Their mom began using CRAFT with him and the girls navigated as best they could. Fast forward 13 years: they're young adults, both living far away. How have they been affected and where are they today?

The CRAFT method was designed for any family member to use with a Loved One suffering from addiction and/or mental health issues. Allies in Recovery guides you through the steps with videos, exercises, Q & A discussion blogs and live support groups. The toolkit you gain will benefit both you and your Loved One. Learn more here.

When we face uncertainty, especially in relation to a Loved One struggling with substances, we tend to catastrophize, and challenging emotions like fear and helplessness can take over. As one mother puts it, "I jump on the zipline to nowhere." Each of our Families Speak co-hosts brings nuggets of wisdom and hard-earned strategy to this super-relevant conversation.

Our Families Speak series features a wonderful team of people navigating life with an addicted loved one. They are all members of Allies in Recovery, an online platform providing training, guidance, support and resources to families ready to shift the dynamic with their loved one struggling with substance use.

With grace, compassion, humility and deep generosity, the Families Speak team shares openly with Coming Up for Air listeners. We can thus benefit from their experience, their process, and the work they do with group facilitator and psychotherapist, Kayla Solomon.

Visit ⁠alliesinrecovery.net⁠ to learn about our membership options, read our blog posts, meet our team, and much more!

You hear it a lot -- "allow for natural consequences." But what does that really mean? Natural consequences are the things you sometimes shield your loved one from -- whether it's a small conversation with someone who's upset with them, or something much larger. If something endangers life or well-being, different rules apply. But allowing the consequences of your loved one's actions to play out for them can be a force for change over time. Start with awareness; don't spend long feeling guilty; and let change begin in small ways at first.

Motivation drives change. How do you find motivation to change your part of the dynamic, and allow time and space for the process to unfold? It's okay to sometimes feel like maybe things aren't working, then get back on track. If you don't know how to change, Allies in Recovery offers a toolbox. As long as you stay interested and use the tools, things can change.