Closing Crawl (Drew, Jared, Jon, Matt, and McCormick)
Explorez tous les épisodes de Closing Crawl
| Date | Titre | Durée | |
|---|---|---|---|
| 15 Mar 2022 | Water Gungan Prisoners: The Clone Wars Season 4 Episodes 1, 2, and 3 | 00:35:46 | |
We buck convention and produce a recap podcast that is shorter than the source material this week! There is dissension on Mon Cala between the "aggressive squid-like Quarren" and "their peaceful neighbors the Mon Calamari". The Mon Calamari king of the planet has been assassinated, and his son, Prince Lee-Char, is young and untested. The Quarren indicate a preference for self-determination, but the Mon Calamari let them know rules are rules, and the rules are male-line primogeniture. With civil war now inevitable (question mark?), the Republic sends a clone company led by Kit Fisto and Ahsoka Tano. But the Quarren, backed by Dooku and the Separatists attack first! Tamson tries to kill Lee-Char and fails, and the Quarren retreat for the day. But then they come back with their new super-weapon, Hydroid Medusae! Which are giant cyborg jellyfish. The Mon Calamari cannot beat electrical tentacles, so they retreat to a cave system. Chocki is getting chewed out by Dooku for letting Lee Char escape because the writers room doesn’t understand ‘show, don’t tell’. Dooku then advocates for internment camps for the Mon Cal in a direct ball kicking to our theory of moral equivalence between the Republic and Separatists. Kit Fisto requests help from his own Space Time (™) with Mace and Yoda. Ackbar continues to Peter Principle poor Lee Char and somehow everyone is cool with that. Meanwhile Yoda stumbles on the idea of conscription, and Obi Wan suggests the Gungans because he’s petty. Kit Fisto uses the dreaded rear admiral on some Quarren to steal their mini sub for his less moist peers. Lee Char goes into hiding. The Gungans are concerned, but Jar Jar convinces everyone that Padme ‘helped’ them suggesting that Gungans are part goldfish, and they promptly decide to jump into the meat grinder of Padme’s poor judgment. Kit Fisto is excited to see Gungans because it means the post victory orgy just got interesting. I can’t think of any other reason anyone would be relieved to see Gungans. Chocki uses a cyclone in a bottle from the local children’s museum to brutalize the Mon Cal and Gungan forces. Everyone but Ahsoka and Lee Char are captured. We open on Padme, Jar Jar, Anakin, and Kit Fisto being interrogated by Biff Tannen, er, Riff Tamson. The prince and Ahsoka come up with a plan to free the prisoners. Meanwhile, Tamson breaks Padme’s helmet to encourage Anakin to talk. The prince believes that Ri will join the Mon Cal to overthrow the separatists and Tamson… and he’s right. At just the right time, the Quarren, Mon Cal, Gungans, and clones all fight back against the droids and sharks. The prince kills Tamson by shooting an explosive he stuck in his shoulder… and OH GOD!!! That’s a floating, decapitated head!?! The Clone Wars: Season 4 Episodes 1, 2 and 3: https://www.disneyplus.com/video/0118dfcf-cb59-44eb-bb93-15888e9cb8a6 https://twitter.com/ClosingCrawl https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/closing-crawl/id1530133296 On YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channe https://twitter.com/ClosingCrawl | |||
| 07 Feb 2022 | Closing Crawl: The Clone Wars Season 4 Teaser | 00:02:22 | |
Closing Crawl will return to regular releases on March 15th, 2022! https://twitter.com/ClosingCrawl | |||
| 29 Mar 2022 | Shadow Warrior: The Clone Wars Season 4 Episode 4 | 00:36:02 | |
Will the Nabooans ever be able to tell Gungans apart? What happens when one writer wants to make an homage to The Three Musketeers, and the other one to Kurosawa's Kagemusha? We answer these and other questions. (P.S. Anakin is captured by Dooku, and that's like the C story!) https://twitter.com/ClosingCrawl | |||
| 12 Apr 2022 | Mercy Droids: The Clone Wars Season 4 Episodes 5 and 6 | 00:49:45 | |
Mercy Mission Synopsis: Radio Announcer: Tragedy has struck Aleen. On the way down to the planet the clones see an Aleena riding a giant insect thing and says ‘Great, it’s going to be another one of those planets’ in case you’d forgotten that teenage boys are the absolute worst. The design of the Aleena suggests that Brian Froud has snuck into Lucasfilm; let’s see if we get a darkly whimsical fairytale allegory that will give kids nightmares. Or even David Bowie’s crotch (fingers crossed!). 3PO promptly falls down the hole and R2, who is always down for a weird LSD trip, is right behind him. They start walking and are immediately swarmed by faeries. They enter a subterranean world that immediately references Dagobah. Revelation here we come. 3PO and R2 meet the Kindaloo, who look like an Ent and a Landstrider got lost in a Piers Anthony novel. The Kindaloo see a potential solution in 3PO and send him to see Orphne. The faeries coalesce into Orphne who promptly tastes 3PO in case you didn't know which kind of faerie queen we were dealing with. Orphne says that 3PO will do what he is meant to do and gives a riddle. Fortunately 3PO’s speciality is riddles and Never Ending Story references, so he gets to work. R2, who is basically Puck, gets there first and pees on the right floor symbol and unlocks a water elevator into a flower and 3PO and R2 are spit back onto the surface. Underground vapors remember that they exist and commence to poison the Aleena. R2 and 3PO, because they don’t breathe, are able to seal the breach and bring peace back to Aleen. A small Aleena does what we all wanted to do as kids and hugs R2 in thanks. The clones are still being giant wangs. The end. Nomad Droids Synopsis: We open on 3PO Spacetiming (™) with Padme to tell her of their adventures. The cruiser gets attacked by Grievous. R2 and 3PO “commandeer” a Y-wing and the two end up crashing on a nearby planet. The locals attack, but they’re only about 6” tall. The Lilliputians proceed to pull a Gulliver’s Travels on the two droids. While bumping proverbial chests with the king, R2 is knocked over by 3PO and crushes him to death… 3PO decides to instill democracy upon them, but that quickly descends into voter fraud (no joke). The droids leave the planet on their newly repaired Y-wing, but don’t have enough power, so they land on another nearby planet. They’re brought to this planet’s leader, some repair droids doing a great and powerful OZ impression. The locals revolt and destroy the hologram and lightning producing machine, causing R2 and 3PO to wander away as their power reserves fall to zero. The Clone Wars: Season 4 Episodes 5 and 6: https://www.disneyplus.com/video/1d717a67-fdce-4404-aed6-3cca361e0946 https://twitter.com/ClosingCrawl https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/closing-crawl/id1530133296 On YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCz9X-57K6-VV_GkUBaqvyeA Merch: https://bit.ly/spacetimetm https://twitter.com/ClosingCrawl | |||
| 26 Apr 2022 | Umbara General: The Clone Wars Season 4 Episodes 7 and 8 | 00:57:43 | |
This week on General Swap: can the 501st adapt to General Krell’s “choke the rivers with our dead” tactics, or will they earn the respect of a tough but fair boss? Legendary editor Water Murch takes a seat in the director’s chair for this story arc, which sees what the Clone Wars are like to the boots. Jony Ive guests as a model designer for the Umbaran vehicles. One of those things is true. Darkness on Umbara: Tthe Republic has launched a lightning strike on Umbara, who have thrown in with the Separatists [possibly due to their Senator getting murdered in the episode of the same name]. Anakin and the 501st make a landing under fire, and the battle rages! They are opposed by Umbarans in pressure suits, as well as tanks and carnivorous plants. Jedi Master Pong Krell arrives to inform Skywalker that the Jedi Council has ordered him back to Coruscant at the request of Palpatine, and that Krell is assuming command of the 501st. After Anakin leaves, Krell lets it be known that he's a real hard-ass who does things by the book and doesn't particularly care about the clones; also, in our biggest example of lightsaber escalation to date, he has two double-bladed lightsabers, because he's just that cool. Master Krell changes the battle plan - instead of surgical strikes on the capital's defenses, the 501st will now be making a frontal assault. Rex explains he has a duty to his men as well as the plan, and Krell admits some amount of grudging respect. The General: The clones are being torn apart by Umbaran air power who actually seem to be counting coup by bludgeoning the clones instead of shooting them from the sky. Obi Wan Space Times (™) General Custer and tells him that they need him to take an airfield and that everything rests on his battalion. A clone rolls a nat 20 and asks if Krell is trying to get the clones killed. Fives makes a good point about Anakin and that at least he leads from the front, no matter how dumb his ideas. Rex is the only thing standing between Krell and a complete mutiny. Rex tries to put lipstick on a pig, but the pig turns out to be a giant ray-shielded centipede mech with about a million guns. Sorry, make that a bunch of giant ray-shielded centipede mechs. But rocket launchers, thermal detonators and a disdain for self-preservation overcome a lot of obstacles. The clones look like they’d be fine in Zombieland because Fives makes sure to double tap a wounded Umbaran who survived a rocket launcher to the dome. And just like that I’m back on my moral equivalence bullshit y’all! Krell demands that Rex throw his clones into the meat grinder because he was a padawan for Jedi Master Sir Douglas Haig. The episode ends with a close up of flames reflected in Krell’s yellow eyes. I’m sure that’s not ominous. The Clone Wars: Season 4, Episodes 7 and 8: https://www.disneyplus.com/video/f9bfac62-4bb9-443b-905c-db5d978df3f2 https://twitter.com/ClosingCrawl https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/closing-crawl/id1530133296 On YouTube: https://ww https://twitter.com/ClosingCrawl | |||
| 16 May 2022 | Plan Carnage: The Clone Wars Season 4 Episodes 9 and 10 | 00:49:26 | |
We depart the Adventure genre for the War is Hell genre, as the clones decide whether or not to follow General Krell up river. With the spotlight on Rex and the Clones - how will they account themselves when faced with treason and fratricide? We cut to Obi-Wan informing Krell and Rex that a supply ship in orbit above the capital is continuing to give weapons to the enemy, and that Obi-Wan and team are unable to take it out due to some support ships that haven’t shown up yet. Rex and team have cracked the Umbarin security codes and could fly the captured ships from the base covertly into battle, but Krell wants no part in that. They’ll take the capital the best way possible, from the ground! Fives, Jesse, and Hardcase disobey orders and take three fighters into the battle over the capital to blow up the supply ship “from the inside, just like General Skywalker did when he was a boy”. Once inside the supply ship, the ray-shields prevent the smaller fighters from making a dent, but Hardwire jumps to the ground and goes through doors into the reactor core to blow it up… sacrificing himself in the process. Fives and Jesse return to the base, but Krell plans to court-martial them for their “insurrection”. Carnage of Krell: This episode’s JFC is “Our actions define our legacy.” After the RA’s summary, we cut to Rex pleading with Krell to save Fives and Jesse, but Krell now orders their immediate execution. Dogma is excited to see the traitors receive their just desserts, but the executioners refuse to pull the trigger. When Rex goes to report this to Krell, an incoming message shows that Umbarans have stolen clone armor and weapons, and are hiding amongst clones to confuse them… this works, which causes clone-on-clone violence as two squads come across each other and proceed to ready-fire-aim with their new don’t ask/don’t tell policy on being a clone under the helmet. Waxer, with his final breath, reveals that it was Krell that ordered his squad to attack Rex’s squad of “undercover Umbarans”. After seeing the tragedy of killing their own brothers, Rex and the clones go to arrest Krell for treason. But taking out a four-armed jedi is no easy task. “I will not be undermined by some creatures bred in a laboratory.” On the chase for Krell after he jumps out a window, Dogma tries to stop Rex, but is taken to the brig. Krell proceeds to unleash the eponymous “Carnage” upon the clones in the jungle outside the base. Tup lures Krell towards an oversized venus flytrap, which gives the clones the distraction, and extra arms, needed to subdue Krell with a stun shot. Krell, now in his cell, reveals that he was auditioning for Count Dooku and was counting on clones like Dogma and their blind loyalty to help him achieve his goals. With the capital city now captured by Obi-Wan, the Umbarans decide to make the clone-occupied base their final assault. Rex knows that Krell cannot be captured / released by the Umbarins since he’ll reveal all the republic’s secret codes and locations to the separatists. When Rex hesitates to pull the trigger, Dogma does the deed. As they prepare to leave, Rex reveals the beginning of his existential crisis. “When the war is over, what happens to us then? https://twitter.com/ClosingCrawl | |||
| 14 Jun 2022 | Kidnapped Slaves Escape: The Clone Wars Season 4 Episodes 11, 12, and 13 | 00:52:02 | |
On the planet Kiros, artisan colonists created a society with no weapons, only art and beauty. Let's see how that plays out for them! Count Dooku makes an offer the governor can't refuse: 'Safe haven' for the citizens of Kiros as slaves, under the control of Zygerrian Atai Molec! Anakin, Obi-wan, and Ahsoka arrive. The battle rages! When Obi-wan goes to meet to discuss terms for surrender, D'Nar explains he meant that Obi-wan would surrender. Obi-wan wants to settle things the old Zygerrian way, which just turns out to be hand-to-hand combat. Obviously, D'Narr beats the shit out of Kenobi. Obi-wan returns to his old stand-by, reneging on surrender negotiations - but D'Nar escapes to his ship and takes off. Anakin and Ahsoka give chase by sacrificing their AT-PT walkers to double jump, just like Mario dropping Yoshi down a pit. They bad cop/worse cop D'Nar into explaining that the Zygerrians will use the colonists to rebuild their slave empire. Then the Jedi Council discusses things and comes to the conclusion that the Zygerrians will use the colonists to rebuild their slave empire! Our jedi travel to Zygeria to try to locate the kidnapped colonists. Ahsoka is playing the part of the slave because Anakin claims he wasn’t any good at it when he played the part despite an 8 season run on Tatooine that Watto described as ‘a good time had by all’. Ahsoka meets a slaver and Anakin talks his way into a meeting with the queen, he gives the queen Ahsoka and the queen must be picking up what Anakin is putting down because she is super into this whole scene. Somewhere Kit Fisto senses a very erotic disturbance in the Force. Rex and Obi Wan find the Togruta leader and try to escape on a lizard. I’m not sure why that’s the character trait they chose to highlight for Obi Wan, but there you go. Obi Wan is captured and we transition to the slave auction and get a pretty sweet RotJ music cue and R2 launches the lightsabers to Anakin and the jail break is in full swing. The jedi are quickly overwhelmed but Anakin fights to the last and the queen is so into Anakin’s determination that she is about to join Kit Fisto in an erotic coma. The queen and Anakin are flying on lizards and the queen is violating quite a few HR regulations. They have a philosophical debate about self interest and freedom and I haven’t learned the queen’s name until now but I suspect it’s probably Johanna Galt or something subtle like that. The slaves have been put to work. Obi Wan tries to make things better, but "Jedi only make things worse". Which breaks Kenobi's spirit when he realizes he cannot help the others. The queen & Dooku argue, and her PM betrays her, so now enter Anakin to be framed for her murder. Anakin announces that a republic fleet, having just jumped into light speed, will even the odds, they free the slaves from the prison camp! After being freed, Ahsoka encourages the Governor to join the republic. The Clone Wars: Season 4 Episodes 111, 12, and 13: https://www.disneyplus.com/video/02bd06fc-230f-4667-b9da-23fb11d66b70 https://twitter.com/ClosingCrawl https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/closing-crawl/id1530133296 https://twitter.com/ClosingCrawl | |||
| 31 Jul 2020 | Hello There! Introduction to Closing Crawl - A Clone Wars Recap Podcast | 00:04:16 | |
An introduction to Closing Crawl, a fan made Star Wars: The Clone Wars recap podcast. https://twitter.com/ClosingCrawl | |||
| 01 Nov 2022 | A Friend in Need: The Clone Wars Season 4 Episode 14 | 00:42:50 | |
Our JFC is "Friendship shows us who we really are." The radio announcer lets us know that in hopes of ending the war, the first ever official meeting between the Republic and Separatists is being held on the neutral world of Mandalore. The negotiations seem to be going poorly, with the Separatists having a ridiculous demand that their government be recognized as legitimate. We all know that the Republic is not a fan of self-determination. But just then, our old friend Lux Bonteri (remember him?) jumps in to announce that Dooku killed his mother, Senator Mina Bonteri. Separatist security arrests him. Dooku appears via spacetime to taunt Lux before ordering his death, but he is saved at the last moment by his good friend Ahsoka -- being "discreet" just like Padme asked. They escape on a Republic shuttle; when Ahsoka says they'll be returning to Coruscant, Lux tases her and heads for the planet Carlac, where he says others want to help him kill Dooku. When they arrive on Carlac, a world of both snow and cherry blossoms(?), Lux has hidden Ahsoka's lightsabers (it turns out they're just in a cabinet), so they wander off unarmed and are met by a bunch of members of the Mandalorian Death Watch, including Bo Katan, who might be important later. Lux is there to sell out Dooku; Ahsoka plays it cool by pretending to be his fiancé. They head off to an occupied town, where the Death Watch prove they are the bad kind of terrorists, by torturing helpless droids, who I guess are people now. Lux explains the plan - he traced Dooku over Spacetime(tm), and is selling the location to Deathwatch, who want him dead. Ahsoka is skeptical, as the Death Watch are bad, mm-kay? To prove her point, their leader, Pre Vizsla arrives; he wants to kill Dooku for vaguely explained reasons about things that happened offscreen. Artoo is assigned to repair the tortured droids for more torture later while Ahsoka is held captive with a group of native Ming Po people, who are definitely not awkward stereotypes, who explain as almost the first word out of their mouths to a stranger that they are a simple people who trust easily and were betrayed. You know, small talk. Later that day, the Ming Po chieftain, Pieter, demands Death Watch leave and return the captives. Pre agrees to do so at sunrise, but it turns out he just means he's going to kill the captives and burn down the village. The carnage upsets Ahsoka, who reveals herself but is captured. Fortunately, Artoo has rebuilt a bunch of combat droids, who stage a rescue while Artoo gets Ahsoka her lightsabers. The battle rages! Ahsoka outduels Pre by blowing up his jet pack, and our heroes try to escape on a landspeeder. Bo Katan grabs her gun and tries to bring in the cat, but is defeated in a fist fight. Ahsoka, Artoo, and Lux make it back to the ship, but before they can head for Coruscant, Lux takes the escape pod, letting Ahsoka know they make a good team, but he has his own path to follow and we reach the end. https://twitter.com/ClosingCrawl https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/closing-crawl/id1530133296 Merch at: https://bit.ly/spacetimetm https://twitter.com/ClosingCrawl | |||
| 29 Nov 2022 | Deception Friends Box Naboo: The Clone Wars Season 4 Episodes 15-18 | 01:20:37 | |
A plot to kidnap the chancellor by Eval Moralo that has been thwarted…? The Jedi decide to form their own plot. Obi Wan is shot and falls to his apparent death. We know falling is a jedi’s greatest skill, but what this episode presupposes is, maybe it isn’t? Obi Wan has a funeral and Anakin is absolutely losing his shit. Meanwhile Rako Hardeen starts bragging in a bar that he shot Obi Wan to general acclaim. Yoda and Mace are worried and Obi Wan is alive!? On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being a soccer flop and 10 being Mankind in the ‘98 Hell in a cell match, our scientific survey gives Obi Wan’s performance a 7.4. Obi Wan undergoes a Face/Off procedure and takes the place of Rako Hardeen who was employed by the jedi the whole time. Faako and crew make it to Nal Hutta and promptly crash into a swamp. Anakin and Ahsoka show up on Nal Hutta. Palpatine tells Mace and Yoda where Anakin went and suggests that they have more faith in him. Yoda immediately wilts and suggests they come clean because he doesn’t have the stones for the Great Game. Lord Palmerston he is not. Anakin and Ahsoka arrive in time to see a behatted figure entering a space ship and Ahsoka correctly deduces it’s Cad Bane because, and I quote, ‘who else would wear a hat like that.' She’s the best. A cool battle with Cad Bane happens and Faako runs right into Anakin. Anakin promptly knees Obi Wan right in nuts which just proves that he knows subliminally that it's actually Obi Wan. We open on bounty hunters arriving on Serrano where a brutal contest is about to take place. Obi-Wan, as Rako Hardeen, henceforth known as Fauxbi-Wan (not Fako), and Cad Bane are introduced to Dooku where they accept the challenge ahead. They're going to enter the eponymous box, a towering cube in front of them. With the final five selected, Dooku reveals the plan to capture the Chancellor on Naboo during a festival and using this as leverage to release Sepratist prisoners. Obi-Wan as Fauxbi-Wan travels to Naboo with the other bounty hunters to capture Chancellor Palpatine at the festival of light. Dooku and the final five go over their plan, and "slip into" their holo-disguises as clone guards. Fauxbi-Wan, now free from prying eyes and ears, radios Mace and informs him of the plan. Palpatine takes the podium, surrounded by ray shields. The Parwan bounty hunter is able to slip through the shields and causes an explosion. Mace orders two guards to get him out of there on a nearby speeder. The two guards create a bait-and-switch with Palpatine and escape. Anakin, coming face to face with an altered Fauxbi-Wan, is angry he's been lied to by the council and wonders how many other lies they've told him. Obi-Wan, questioning potential lies told to him by Dooku and Eval, discovers a bug in his sniper rifle case and knows Dooku has heard everything. Meanwhile, Anakin and Palpatine are surprised by Dooku and some droids. Dooku and Anakin fight while Palapatine is restrained. Obi-Wan, showing up just in time, helps Anakin to save the day. Dooku, in a final attempt to plant seeds of lies and anger in Anakin by feeling undervalued by the jedi council, proceeds to levy some expert level snark on Anakin to rile him up. Episodes on Disney+: https://www.disneyplus.com/video/c639cb21-5137-4090-a440-8f84a171d235 https://twitter.com/ClosingCrawl | |||
| 16 May 2023 | Massacre Bounty: The Clone Wars Season 4 Episodes 19 and 20 | 00:56:44 | |
Asajj Ventress has sought sanctuary with the Nightsisters of Dathomir. She meets with Mother Talzin, who tells Ventress to abandon Dooku and the Sith, and become a true nightsister. A baptismal ceremony changes Ventress' eye color, and a celebration signals her rebirth as a Nightsister. Meanwhile, Dooku learns that Ventress has returned, so he orders Grievous to attack Dathomir and wipe out the Nightsisters. https://twitter.com/ClosingCrawl | |||
| 30 May 2023 | Brothers Rewenge: The Clone Wars Season 4 Episodes 21 and 22 | 00:49:20 | |
We open on a menacing RED title card and the Radio Announcer reminds us of Savage Opress' creation, rise, and betrayal of Dooku and Asajj Ventress, plus his new mission: to find his brother, Darth Maul. Dooku and Grievous discuss the rise of something sinister and we cut to Savage terrorizing a Waffle House at a spaceport, where some special dust-laden cargo leads him to a spaceship he commandeers to take him to a planet he believes his brother is on. https://twitter.com/ClosingCrawl | |||
| 13 Jun 2023 | Star Wars Games Special Episode | 01:18:27 | |
The Closing Crawl crew talks Star Wars Games: Video Games, Card Games, Board Games, Mind Games, Hunger Games - you name it and... by GAWD - is that Jon's Music?!?!? https://twitter.com/ClosingCrawl | |||
| 27 Jun 2023 | Revival: The Clone Wars Season 5 Episode 1 | 01:05:59 | |
Welcome to Season 5, the season with no name! We begin with the radio announcer telling us that Maul and Opress have teamed up to do bad across the Outer Rim - so bad that they kill two Jedi in new footage during the opening montage! The brothers secure a pile of ill-gotten loot on Cybloc, where Maul also makes formal the fact that the Rule of Two is in effect, and that Savage is the junior member of the team. They then take their booty to Florrum, where the evil duo bribe a number of Hondo Ohnaka's gang to join up. The villains plot an attack on our...friend?.. Hondo for refusing to join as well. https://twitter.com/ClosingCrawl | |||
| 11 Jul 2023 | Two Fronts: The Clone Wars Season 5 Episodes 2 and 3 | 00:51:37 | |
The planet Onderon has seceded from the Republic and joined the Separatist Alliance under a new king. Rebel forces have fled into the jungle and appeal to the Jedi for help. Oh wait, this happened at the start of the clone war by the legitimate government under a new king. The rebels claim he’s a traitor though so it’s totally fine. https://twitter.com/ClosingCrawl | |||
| 25 Jul 2023 | Soft Points: The Clone Wars Season 5 Episodes 4 and 5 | 00:51:57 | |
The rebels have stepped up their attacks, ambushing a droid convoy in the center of the city and definitely causing no collateral damage despite the sobbing children. The rebels declare they seek to overthrow King Rash and restore King Dendup to the throne. Dendup is slated for public execution. https://twitter.com/ClosingCrawl | |||
| 08 Aug 2023 | Gathering Strength: The Clone Wars Season 5 Episodes 6 and 7 | 00:54:08 | |
Our JFC is “He who faces himself, finds himself” (so I already don’t feel good about the Bechdel test). Our RA tells us that WAR is ongoing and spreading across the galaxy, and the number of Jedi is declining, so new Jedi, youglings, are being kidna… found and trained with their new “family”. The younglings must pass many tests, including the eponymous “gathering”. https://twitter.com/ClosingCrawl | |||
| 22 Aug 2023 | Bound Bond: The Clone Wars Season 5 Episodes 8 and 9 | 00:43:35 | |
The younglings are stranded on a swiftly tilting starship. They’re able to get Obi-Wan on the SpaceTime(™), Obi-Wan is pretty sanguine about what happened considering Ahsoka was captured and Hondo can obviously track the ancient sentient database that the Jedi rely on to build lightsabers. https://twitter.com/ClosingCrawl | |||
| 05 Sep 2023 | Secret Void: The Clone Wars Season 5 Episodes 10 and 11 | 00:44:31 | |
A blue(!) title card leads into our show. The Jedi have intercepted a Separatist transmission that they are unable to decode. They plan an undercover mission to steel an encryption module using troops the Separatists would never expect - droids! (Although the Separatists have used undercover droids before...). The droids will be led by Lilliputian Republic strategist Colonel Meebur Gascon, making his first foray into field command! His team, D-Squad, consists of 4 astromechs: R2-D2; Aayla Secura's QT-KT, Thongla Jur's U9-C4, and Tera Sinube's M5-BZ, as well as Clone Commander Neyo's pilot droid, WAC-47. BZ is being worked on by the droidy dozen, dirty droidzen? We’ll fix it in post. Gascon Zilkinsplains the mission and R2 looms over him. iMurdering Kalani and some droids either sated his lust for blood or whetted his appetite. Meebur better watch his back. WAC flies into a comet storm and the autopilot decides that maybe this is the time for some out of the box thinking and hits every comet it can. Just crazy enough to work. R2 decides that QT and U9 are useful (see Russian prison slang: Milk Cow) so he saves them. https://twitter.com/ClosingCrawl | |||
| 19 Sep 2023 | Missing Point: The Clone Wars Season 5 Episodes 12 and 13 | 00:35:24 | |
The droids have successfully obtaining the super-secret data from the Separatists, and then gotten stranded in THE VOID. We open on the droids and Corporal/Colonel Gascon in a sub-ground level city that is… occupied…? by people. Sort of. https://twitter.com/ClosingCrawl | |||
| 03 Oct 2023 | Eminence Shades Lawless: The Clone Wars Season 5 Episodes 14, 15, and 16 | 00:58:47 | |
Darth Maul and Savage Oppress are floating in a escape pod in space. A lightsaber cuts a hole in the hatch, but that’s no lightsaber: it’s a darksaber! We see Pre Vizsla and is that Bo-Katan? Deathwatch return to their camp and it’s got a real master race vibe to it. Maul declares himself the true lord of the Sith so I think we can assume the Deathwatch base is on the planet Avignon. Pre and Maul then have a tea party. That’s not even a joke. Maul decides to shake down the Black Sun syndicate (it’s pronounced SheeZor). After some aggressive negotiations Maul has their loyalty. Maul says his Pre’s, plans lack clarity, his Gantt charts are sloppy and his online PMP certification isn’t from an accredited source. The Pyke Syndicate decides to volunteer instead of being conscripted. Maul tries the same tactic with the Hutts that he tried with Black Sun, but the Hutts have bounty hunters of their own: Dengar, Embo and some of our other B-list bounty hunters deliver a counter proposal via blaster fire. Next Maul plans to attack Mandalore, hitting key targets to sow distrust in Satine as a leader. The Pikes take over the shipping docks, the Black Sun Clan terrorizes the city center. Vizla “captures” Savage for show, and uses his new found popularity to take over Mandalore and imprison Satine. Vizla also captures Maul, not part of the plan. While in prison with Savage, Maul looks for a worthy successor to Satine/Vizla… and what better place to go shopping than a prison. He finds Almec, the former Prime Minister that Satine had jailed for… was it poisoning kids with watered down tea? With Almec in tow, Maul challenges Vizla to combat for leadership of Mandalore. After a lightsabery/darksabery/blastery/grenady/jet-packy/ropey/punchy/kicky fight, Maul beheads Vizla. Darksaber in hand, he claims the right to lead Mandalore. Bo-Katan and company will never accept an outsider as leader and escape after a firefight. Almec, in his new position of power, tells the public that Satine killed Vizla. Maul, while on his throne of lies, is happy to be playing puppetmaster. The kids from Season 3’s “The Academy,” all aged 10 years somehow, stage a prison break to free Satine, along with Bo-Katan. The escape is short-lived, but Satine gets an emergency message to Obi-Wan Kenobi. Strangely, when he receives it at the Jedi Temple, it's a few sentences longer than the one we just saw her send. SpaceTime(tm) is weird. Because Mandalore is neutral, the Jedi Council will not act to help. Obi-Wan Kenobi will have to come to Satine's aid on his own. He walks into the prison and once more easily walks Satine out. They need better guards at this prison. Satine says her sister can help, but they are recaptured by Maul. Maul explains his plan isn’t to kill Kenobi, but to make him suffer, then kills Satine with the darksaber in front of Obi-Wan. With her dying words, she says she has always loved him and always will. Maul orders Kenobi imprisoned to rot in his suffering. They take him to the prison, but he immediately is freed by Bo-katan and her men. Really, prison security is an issue. Obi-Wan realizes Bo-katan is the sister Satine mentions, and gives his condolences. Meanwhile, Darth Sidious, having sensed a disturbance in the force, has arrived on Mandalore in person to deal with his former apprentice. Sidious says Maul has become a rival. Maul, Savage, and Opress draw their sabers - Sidious kills Savage Opress in the fight but instead of ending Maul, reveals he has other uses for him as we reach THE END. https://twitter.com/ClosingCrawl | |||
| 17 Oct 2023 | Sabotage Much: The Clone Wars Season 5 Episodes 17 and 18 | 00:48:05 | |
Anakin and Ahsoka are leading an invasion of Cato Neimoidia in their starfighters. Anakin gets cocky and is covered in buzz droids. R2 says don’t threaten me with a good time and indulges in some fun sized droid murder. Unfortunately he can’t clear Anakin’s undercarriage, and it is filthy with buzz droids (I passed out from STD joke choice paralysis when writing this for a few minutes.) Yoda Spacetimes(™) Anakin and tells him: “his butt back to Coruscant get.” Someone bombed the Jedi temple! The council thinks that it was perhaps… a Jedi? Since they know Anakin and Ahsoka weren’t there they are the ones tasked with investigating. Mace has also tasked a droid named Rizzo with investigating. Russo and Ahsoka go to interview the survivors. A Pantoran, knowing that the Jedi can’t find their own butts with two hands, gives Ahsoka and Russo a solid lead: Jakkar Bomani. Anakin says that this must have been a well planned out caper to escape notice by the Jedi, probably involving a ridiculous accent and a fake mustache. Family and friends of the victims gather and Leta, Jakkar’s wife, makes her presence known. Meanwhile Ahsoka and Russo have recreated the explosion with a hologram. They find no bomb residue, but they do find nano-droids. Jakkar’s file indicates he’s a munitions expert with a specialty in nano weaponry. Russo has found Jakkar’s hand with nano-droids in his blood stream: so he 'set us up the bomb,' as it were. Anakin and Ahsoka investigate the run down tenement that Jakkar lives in and they get so close to the truth when they say that they thought working for the Jedi paid better. They find Jakkar's last meal was laced with nano-droids. Leta confesses, but says this is bigger than they know! (I mean, it could be smaller than a bread box and that would still be true for the Jedi...) But for now, the Jedi are cleared! The Jedi are trying to return to normalcy as Master Yoda eugoogalizes the fallen Jedi. Ahsoka talks to Barriss Offee, who is taking this hard since she trained with one of the fallen: Tutso Mara. Tarkin tells Anakin, Ahsoka & Barriss that the bomber, Letta Turmond, has been captured. Letta will be held by the military since “clones and civilians died as well”. Anakin tells Ahsoka to comfort Barriss, and follows Tarkin into the lift with basically a “Women! Am I right?” kind of comment. While comforting Barriss, Tarkin Spacetimes (™) in to say that Letta will only speak with Ahsoka. Letta reveals that a Jedi made her do it, and that this Jedi thinks the the once-peacekeepers need to stop their warmongering. After Ahsoka gains her trust, Letta reveals that is was Jedi Master Aaaaarrrrgggghhhh. The video of the cell shows Ahsoka, with arms outstretched, while Letta is being force-choked… and there is no audio. As such, Ahsoka looks to have killed her and is imprisoned for the crime. Anakin tries to visit, but he is refused per Tarkin’s orders. Ahsoka sees a keycard in the hallway, force swipes it, and gets out of her cell. She runs into stunned clones, and sees her comlink and lightsabers on the ground. She then comes across dead clones as well… And she’s getting framed. While searching every hen-house, farmhouse & outhouse; Anakin finds her, she proclaims that she didn’t kill her wife in her best Harrison Ford voice, then proceeds to Richard Kimball onto a passing ship. https://twitter.com/ClosingCrawl | |||
| 25 Apr 2024 | Jedi Wrong: The Clone Wars Season 5 Episodes 19 and 20 | 00:49:48 | |
Ahsoka is accused of bombing the Jedi temple and killing clones to cover up the crime and she's now on the run. The Jedi council, having decided that Ahsoka is guilty, chooses to send the most logical people to catch her: the two Jedi she has the closest relationships with, Anakin Skywalker and Plo Koon. After calling Barriss Offee to ask for help, she is spotted by police, and escapes into the lower levels of Coruscant, where she is captured by bounty hunter Asajj Ventress. Ahsoka offers her a deal - help Ahsoka prove her innocence, and Ahsoka will get Ventress a pardon. Barriss offers Ahsoka a lead - Letta visited an old munitions factory nearby when acquiring the nano-droids used in the bombing. As they depart, they are spotted by Commander Wolfe and his men. Ahsoka and Asajj fight their free, making sure not to kill any of the clones. Once Ventress is on her own, she's knocked out by a mysterious assailant, who takes Ventress' mask and lightsabers - then attacks Ahsoka while in disguise! The clearly Force-using masked attacker manages to knock Ahsoka out and into the hands of Anakin and Wolffe, who take her into custody and back to the temple. Tarkin is SpaceTiming(™) into the Jedi temple with the Senate’s demands that Ahsoka be tried for her crimes. Yoda says that Ahsoka will be tried by the Jedi and Tarkin makes a pretty salient point that a bunch of weird space ninja wizards with a penchant for kidnapping young children might not be willing to let justice take its course. The Senate is asking that Ahsoka be expelled from the Jedi order so she can be tried by a military tribunal. Yoda says that the dark side clouds many things, but still wonders who might have force choked Letta if not Ahsoka. Yada yada perception dump stat yada. If only telepathy were a Jedi skill. Ahsoka is kicked out of the Jedi, and stripped of her rank in the Grand Army of the Republic. Anakin tracks down Ventress in the slums and proceeds to get investigatory. Ventress cops to wanting to turn Ahsoka in for the reward, but changed her mind when she realized that Ahsoka was also betrayed by her master and abandoned by the Jedi order. Anakin goes slack jawed when he realizes maybe other people exist in the universe beyond being bit players in his own personal drama. Ahsoka’s trial begins and Sheev is adjudicating (and sounding suspiciously like Nigel Thornberry). Anakin is adrift because Ventress is the only one Ahsoka talked to, but AHa! Ventress remembers her talking to Barriss. Anakin goes to chat with Barriss, and decides that only swinging a lightsaber at her head can reveal the truth. Nat 20 and she fends him off with Ventress’ stolen lightsabers. That was almost a very awkward conversation with Luminara. Anakin takes Barriss to the trial to undercut Sheev’s monologuing. Barriss admits to everything but gets in a pretty good takedown of the Jedi before she gets taken away. Yoda offers her her place back in the Jedi, but Ahsoka declines. Anakin catches up to Ahsoka and tries to make it about himself, and to her credit Ahsoka says it’s not about him. Best character in Star Wars. Anakin says he understands wanting to walk away from the order, and Ahsoka says she knows. Padme’s sex yacht is the galaxies worst kept secret. Ahsoka walks into the sunset and Anakin is left alone. https://twitter.com/ClosingCrawl | |||
| 13 Jun 2024 | Unknown Conspiracy: The Clone Wars Season 6 Episodes 1 and 2 | 00:41:10 | |
There’s a battle for Ringo Vinda, a massive space station surrounding an entire planet. Anakin leads the clones, along with twin Jedi sisters Tiplee and Tiplar, against the Separatist droid onslaught of the station. Anakin relays his battle plan, with Fives and Tup to assist the twins. Unfortunately Tup is overcome with a headache and a sneer forms as he says the word “Jedi.” During a final push on the droids, with victory in sight, Tup loses it and shoots Tiplar, killing her. The Separatist Admiral Spacetimes(™) with Dooku and informs him of the clone’s behavior, calling him “entranced.” Dooku Spacetimes(™) with Sidious that the clone’s behavior could ruin his plan; Sidious tells Dooku to capture the clone. Tup repeats the phrase “good soldiers follow orders” multiple times before finally lunging at Tiplee with another muttered “kill the Jedi.” Anakin and the clones decide to send Tup back to Kamino for examination believing it could be some sort of biological warfare designed against the clones. While departing, some Iron Man Mark 2 droids overtake the ship and capture Tup. Anakin devises a plan to reclaim Tup. They track his signal, space walk, hitch a ride, board the ship, and get him back. With this, they are now ready to send him back to Kamino. Now Rex and Fives are taking him back to Kamino for intensive evaluation. They meet with Master Shaak Ti and Kaminoan scientist Nala Se. Shaak Ti explains that Tup's actions may be the result of a virus, and Fives could also be infected. Rex, who has been with Fives and Tup this whole time, is sent back to the battlefield to spread the virus to as many clones as possible. After further consideration, Shaak Ti argues that Tup's condition is purely mental and caused by Separatist brain washing. She wants an atomic brain scan to prove it, which may kill the weakened Tup. Nala Se, on the other hand, states this is a virus or physical ailment, and prefers to perform an autopsy, which will very likely kill the weakened Tup. They depart to inform their superiors, where we learn from Nala Se and Lama Su that this is actually part of 'clone protocol 66', and Tup's inhibitor chip has been activated early. They contact Lord Tyranus via SpaceTime(™), who explains they must keep the inhibitor chips secret from the Jedi. Shaak Ti contacts the Jedi Council via SpaceTime(™), who order her to bring Tup back to the Jedi Council for examination. Meanwhile, Fives has convinced medical droid AZI-3 via unbreakable computer logic that AZI-3 must perform the potentially fatal atomic brain scan - if they don't, Tup might die! One space MRI later, AZI-3 and Fives learn that Tup has a brain tumor of some sort that might be causing his condition, before they can investigate further, Nala Se arrives to explain that the tumor doesn't exist. Fives isn't going to let little things like orders or pushy customer service reps stop him from saving a friend, so AZI-3 hacks the Gibson and creates a fake intruder alert just in time to prevent Tup's euthanasia. AZI-3 removes the 'tumor'. Once removed, Tup awakens, talking of the mission in the Clones' dreams that never ends. Declaring the nightmare over and himself free, Tup promptly dies! Shaak Ti and Nala Se contact Chancellor Palpatine to inform him of the death of Tup and the discovery of the tumor. Shaak Ti says it will be sent to the Jedi Temple for study, but Palpatine has a better idea - send it to the Grand Republic Medical Fac https://twitter.com/ClosingCrawl | |||
| 25 Jun 2024 | Fugitive Orders: The Clone Wars Season 6 Episodes 3 and 4 | 00:41:27 | |
We open on Fives meeting with Shaak Ti. Shaak says that the chancellor wants the tumor. Shaak is going to take the tumor to the Jedi temple first, and Nala Sey protests. AZ3 runs into Fives in the halfway, and their clone guards aren’t super good at the whole guarding thing. AZ lets slip that Fives is to be mindwiped and assigned to Sanitation duty. Fives is done getting the runaround and as it turns out an Arc trooper is more effective than four guard clones who never made it off Kamino. Imagine what he could do with Sanitation, probably some sort of Space Cloaca Maxima. Dave Filoni call me. Fives steals a ship and makes a break for it, but ditches it to swim back to the cloning facility. AZ3 is apparently a distant cousin to Lazerbeak and turns into a jetski. Meanwhile Nala Sey calls Darth Tyrannus. Tyrannus gives her marching orders: the Jedi must never know about the true nature of the inhibitor chip. Fives and AZ3 start doing science: the implant is foreign which means it’s intentional. Fives starts taking off his helmet like he’s the main character in a Marvel movie. Fives has AZ remove his own chip because he’s maybe the best character in Star Wars? But do all clones have the chips? To the embryo farm!! Looks like all the clones have the chips. Nala Sey interrupts and explains the truth: Sipho Dyas ordered the chips implanted. Fives is upset that the Jedi might have done this to the clones. Shaak shows up and Fives basically gets to the heart of the matter when he says that the chips have to be removed or the entire Grand Army of the Republic could be compromised. Nala Sey says that Fives should be terminated and that he is property. Interesting production note, Ayn Rand and the Daughters of the Confederacy have writing credits on this episode. Weird. Shaak says that he’s actually property of the Republic, that and a lightsaber apparently carry the day. Fives and Nala Sey are to accompany Shaak and the evidence to Coruscant. Fives is drugged by Nala Se, right under JEDI MASTER Shaak Ti’s nose, and then presented to Chancelor Palpatine. Nala Sey insists the chip in every clone is fine, but Fives protests. Palpatine suggests he speak to Fives alone… So he can be more open and speak his mind. During this private conversation, Fives “attacks” Palpatine and is chased by Shaak Ti. She loses him when she orders a clone to “close the blast door”... always a mistake. Coruscant goes on lockdown looking for the wayward clone. Upon Anakin’s suggestion, Mace instructs Anakin to conduct a “quiet investigation”... Anakin’s strong suit. Fives goes on the run to a clone bar, the 79’s. Fives explains to 501st clone trooper Kix what is going on and that he needs Anakin and Rex to meet him at some secret coordinates. Anakin and Rex show up at to meet Fives. He starts to explain what’s going on with the chips and what’s going on in his head… and in the process sounds a little cuckoo while explaining his theory. Palpatine’s clone guards show up and shoot Fives… But not before he was maybe getting through to at least Rex, if not Anakin as well. Palpatine tells the Jedi that Nala Sey found out it was something in the water in Ringo Vinda, and that the Kaminoans have already developed a vaccine to administer to all clones. Palpatine and Dooku Spacetime (™) and congratulate themselves on covering up order 66. https://twitter.com/ClosingCrawl | |||
| 09 Jul 2024 | Old Clovis Crisis: The Clone Wars Season 6 Episodes 5, 6, and 7 | 00:45:55 | |
Senator Amidala is apparently the only person responsible for aiding refugees, and apparently all money comes from the Banking Clan on Scipio. Amidala and her aide Teckla Minnau travel there and meet old friend, Rush Clovis. Clovis proves his good intentions by sneaking into Padme's bedroom, this bank has security almost as bad as Fortress Inquisitorius ! He explains that the Banking Clan is about to change its name to Bear-Stearns, as the vaults are almost empty. Chancellor Palpatine asks Padme to help Clovis and find out more about the missing money. Padme and Clovis head to his private apartments to make their Ocean's 2 heist plan to steals banking files. Teckla follows through on the play, but is assassinated by Bounty Hunter Embo: RSVP Teckla Minnau! Padme and Clovis review the data, but before they can act Padme is arrested for espionage. The Jedi send Anakin to Scipio to help; once he arrives and learns Clovis is involved, he becomes a raging pit of jealousy. Our heroes manage to escape, but as they do, Embo contacts Darth Sidious, who declares that going forward Sidious will deal with them personally. The space caricatures of ‘international’ bankers are meeting in their steampunk lair - oof. Yoda meets Padme, Anakin and Rush Clovis and escorts them to the Chancellors office. Anakin gets possessive and picks a fight with Padme, which Clovis somehow wins simply by not being a raging dick. Obi Wan notices that Anakin is pretty angry, and they almost have a conversation about Anankin and Padme. Anakin outright lies about his relationship with Padme. Padme and Clovis engage in some forensic accounting. Clovis gets grabby. Anakin, who has presumably been using the peeping tom force power, barges in and proceeds to Force Choke Clovis. Clovis gets Anakin to put down his lightsaber and put up his dukes. Security is called and Clovis may be many things, but he aint no snitch. Padme tells Anakin to get lost. Anakin is heartbroken. The Separatists and the Republic vote to allow Clovis to become head of the banking clans (which, what the hell?). We open on Scipio as the transfer of power to Rush Clovis is about to begin. Dooku Spacetimes(™) with Clovis with demands and threats to raise the interest rates on the Republic, otherwise the Separatists will default on their payments. Padme relays this information to the Senate. Yoda and Chancellor Palpatine both want to investigate Clovis, but in their own ways. Back on Scipio, the separatists attack Padme’s clone escort and Dooku arrives to take control. Padme is captured. Palpatine decides they must declare war on Scipio. Dooku FORCE…S Padme to shoot the separatist senator. Yoda sends an obviously conflicted Anakin to Scipio. Sidious and Dooku reveal that the banks will be placed under the control of the Supreme Chancelor… their plan all along. Padme warns Clovis that he has lost control. A Vulture droid is shot down and crashes into Clovis’ office, causing Padme and Clovis to tumble over the edge. Anakin cannot save them both. Clovis apologizes for all he’s done, and sacrifices himself. Palpatine gets control of the banks, but promises to relinquish power once the war is over… A promise I’m sure he’ll keep. https://twitter.com/ClosingCrawl | |||
| 23 Jul 2024 | The Disappeared: The Clone Wars Season 6 Episodes 8 and 9 | 00:42:08 | |
Spiritual leaders on the somehow-still-peaceful planet of Bardotta are disappearing, and that Queen Julia has called upon the Senate for help. The ghost of Senator Onoconda Farr chimes in with an undignified snort, but no one in the Senate has a sense of clairaudience or of irony, and so it goes unnoticed. Chancellor Palpatine calls the Jedi Council to let them know it will in fact be a mismatched duo comedy episode starring bad cop Mace Windu and clown cop Jar Jar Binks. See, the Bardottans hate the Jedi, because they steal children, and so want Jar-Jar and no one else to come help them. When they arrive on Bardotta, we learn that the Dagoyan Masters, non-Jedi, non-Sith force wielders, are disappearing one by one. We also learn that Jar-Jar and Queen Julia are, let's say, more than friends. Shortly after this the queen disappears. The Bardottan council explains the source of the prophecy is the Frangawl clan, who worshiped a demon in a shrine below the temple, and we realize that this is not just a buddy cop movie with a side-helping of Orientalism, but an Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom pastiche. Our heroes journey to the caverns below the palace, where Jar Jar is immediately captured and placed in a cage hanging over lava. After a standard amount of Jar Jar hijinks, Master Windu locates him, and the battle rages! The cultists are defeated but the cult leader escapes with the still-captive queen. Jar-jar promises the Bardottan council for the second time that day that he and Mace will recover the queen. The Frangawl cult gets to take over the Bardottan government if Queen Julia isn’t found. I’m not sure kidnapping is a good basis for transfer of power in governments, but at this point, as an American, maybe I should be more open to new ideas. Jar Jar breaks down what happened to the Bardotten master. The terms ‘crispy fried’ and ‘force sucked right out of him’ are referenced. Meanwhile the cultist Ornithopter lands on Geidi Prime, and if Julia is fitted with a heart plug to extract her living force I’m going to start enjoying this arc. The Great Mother (who?!) has told the cultists that they have Jedi on their tail. The cultists are being sneaky by dragging the kidnapping victim and a glowing sphere of living force through a crowded marketplace and Jar Jar and Mace still almost miss them. Mace and Jar Jar run into what looks like a genestealer cultist who sicks a couple Gundarks on them. Jar Jar’s prehensile tongue comes into play, and somewhere Kit Fisto senses another erotic disturbance in the Force. There’s talk of planetary alignment and apparently Lovecraftian cultists are now in the mix; we’re one pair of Nike Decades away from a cultist connect four. Hey, it’s Mother Talzin! More fighting with some rejects from the Uldaur raid and at this point I had to lay down for a while with some pretty severe WoW flashbacks. Mother Talzin and Mace fight, and she holds her own against a Jedi who made Darth Sidious look like a chump. Where was this when Grievous invaded Dathomir? Anyway Jar Jar rescues the Queen, Mother Talzin’s scheme unravels and Mother Talzin dissolves with a scream…? The queen decides that maybe the Bardottens should reconsider their attitude towards the Jedi, and she just has the absolute worst judgment of anyone on this show and that’s saying a lot. https://twitter.com/ClosingCrawl | |||
| 30 Jul 2024 | Lost Voices: The Clone Wars Season 6 Episodes 10 and 11 | 00:52:45 | |
Plo Koon is sent to find the source of a distress signal sent to the Jedi Temple. Plo & his Bros search during a sand storm and find a ship that crashed ages ago. Plo discovers a lightsaber in the wreckage. Plo Spacetimes(™) the temple and tells them the ship belonged to long-lost Jedi Master Sifo-Dyas. The council reminds the viewers that Sifo-Dyas was the one who ordered the production of the clone army without the blessing of the council or the senate. Sifo-Dyas was sent to Falucia to negotiate a peace and he was killed there. No one knows what happened to his body since the Chancellor has ordered the files sealed. Yoda sends Obi-Wan and Anakin to Felucia to investigate, while he himself speaks with Chancellor Palpatine. Palpatine tells Yoda the prior Chancellor Valorum sealed the files. Valorum tells Yoda that Sifo-Dyas was to speak with the Pykes, a group that runs the spice trade, and he locked the files so that news didn’t get out; as speaking with the Pykes would be like negotiating with the Taliban in the aughts. Based on Palpatine’s comments, Yoda believed a second Jedi was with Sifo-Dyas, but Valorum assures Yoda that only his personal aide, Silman, accompanied Sifo-Dyas. Palpatine, as Sidious, Spacetimes(™) Dooku to have him cover his tracks and stop the Jedi investigation on Felucia. Obi-Wan and Anakin speak with the Pykes, after some Jedi persuasion the Pykes admit they shot down Sifo-Dyas’ ship and gave his body to Lord Tyranus, but kept Silman alive and imprisoned. The Pykes offer Silman (now a crazy loon after all this time in solitary) to the Jedi to settle the affair. Meanwhile, Dooku shows up on Felucia, fights his way through some guards, and force-chokes Silman while literally standing right behind Obi-Wan and Anakin. A lightsaber duel ensues, during which it is revealed that Dooku is Tyranus! Dooku escapes. The boys inform the council of what they discovered. Yoda tells everyone they must keep it a secret so as not to discredit the creation of the clones and the war effort. The Jedi have leared that Dooku is the person who ordered the clone army: Yoda is meditating on this knowledge when he hears the voice of Qui-Gon Jinn, who explains that he has become part of the living force. Yoda informs the council and they all meditate together, but no one else hears the voice from beyond. In order to determine if the voice is truly from the Force, or a trick by the Sith, Yoda undergoes a meditative trance/induced coma in a sensory deprivation tank. Yoda sees a vision of a swamp planet and the voice of Qui-Gon tells him he must go to Dagobah to complete what Qui-Gon could not. Skywalker escorts Yoda to a hangar, where R2-D2 and Yoda depart for Dagobah in a fighter. R2 stays with the fighter in a desperate attempt to avoid any issues with him being on Dagobah with Master Yoda and knowing both how to get there and exactly who Yoda is. Yoda speaks more with Qui-Gon, who explains that he is now outside of linear time, like the Prophets of Bajor or Dr. Manhattan. Yoda sees visions of the dark future to come. Qui-Gon explains that Yoda he has been chosen to learn how to become part of the Force after death, as Qui-gon was, so that he can be a voice of light in the times to come. Yoda departs Dagobah, letting the Force guide him towards the origin of life in the Galaxy. https://twitter.com/ClosingCrawl | |||
| 06 Aug 2024 | Destiny Sacrifice: The Clone Wars Season 6 Episodes 12 and 13 | 01:31:35 | |
Yoda is on a spirit quest and arrives at a Force cloaca that is spewing the living Force into the galaxy (Oh shit! Is that Ego the Living Planet’s music?). Yoda passes the corpse of J.N. Reynolds and lands in what can only be called Grandfather Nurgle’s Summer estate. Yoda is approached by a Force Spirit, and follows it into the jungle. The force spirit is joined by her sisters Melpomene, Thalia and, I don’t know, Terpsichore and Clio? I might be overthinking some of this stuff. They start to teach Yoda. Yoda’s first trial is to face off against his own personal gollum. Yoda decides that his best bet in a time of spiritual crisis is to fall back on the gospel of Austin, specifically chapter 3, verse 16. New Yoda break down that a dark side is part of all life, even Yoda Classics’. Then to emphasize the point New Yoda unleashes a 100 move combo. Yoda finally admits his hubris. The force spirits naming themselves as: confusion, anger, sadness, joy and serenity. I’m batting .400. Yoda is thrust into a second vision, surrounded by dead Jedi and younglings. Yoda is tempted with relief from sorrow, confusion and anger and is incepted into a more pleasant vision where the Jedi are alive, Ahsoka is still a Jedi, there is no war, and even Dooku is still a Jedi Master. Yoda chooses hard truths over easy lies and passes the trial. The Force Spirits give Yoda his final trial, sending him to Moraband which, for legal purposes, is definitely not Korriban. Go ahead Bioware, try to sue Disney. Yoda arrives on Moraband, walks through the desert wasteland and is surrounded by some Deatheaters from Azkaban. As Yoda defeats them, Dooku awakens from meditation… Did he sense Yoda? We’ll soon find out as Sidious summons Dooku to Coruscant. Yoda enters a temple and meets Darth Bane, and ancient Sith lord that created the “rule of two.” Yoda defeats him by pulling a reverse Tinkerbell and telling Bane he doesn’t believe in fairies. Back on Coruscant Sidious and Dooku use Dooku’s connection to Yoda to see through time and space. Sidious telepathically reemerges on Moraband as Jedi Master Sifo-Dyas, someone Yoda would be happy to see still alive. Sifo-Dyas offers to tell Yoda who the Sith lord is. Yoda refuses the all-to-good offer. He suddenly wakes up on a transport ship on Coruscant, with Anakin and some clones, that is headed towards a secret rendezvous between Dooku and Sidious… However, Yoda is confused how he got here, and what the mission is, even though it is “his mission” according to Anakin. (Is Yoda still in the bacta tank? Is this all a dream? Is he still on Moraband? Stay tuned to find out!) Yoda tells Anakin he wants to capture the two, but kill them if it is necessary because this must end here. Anakin fights Dooku, gaining the advantage, taking Dooku’s saber, and beheading him over Yoda’s objections. Yoda pursues Sidious. A lightsaber battle ensues. Anakin joins in, but is knocked unconscious. Yoda continues his fight with Sidious, but must save Anakin as the bridge they are on is collapsing. Both Yoda and Sidious fall from the bridge. They slap fight in freefall, a Yoda manages to pull back the hood and reveal that Sidious is… an empty hood. Yoda wakes up on Moraband. He is greeted by one of the sisters who proceed to tell him there is another Skywalker. We hear familiar sounds from movie Episodes 3-6 to foreshadow what is to come. Yoda and R2 fly back to Coruscant. There, he tells Obi-Wan and Mace Windu that he’s seen a path to victory… not for the Clone Wars, but for all time… https://twitter.com/ClosingCrawl | |||
| 20 Aug 2024 | Bad Echo: The Clone Wars Season 7 Episodes 1 and 2 | 00:45:35 | |
Separatists led by Admiral Trench battle Republic forces led by Anakin and Mace Windu for the Republic shipyards on Anaxes. Rex has an idea of why things are going badly: analytics; the droids know Rex's strategies too well. They plan to take a small squad to the enemy Cyber Center, where intel is processed, to see if they can figure out what's happening. Before leaving, Rex and Cody chat about losing Fives, Echo, and Hevy during the war, which makes me feel bad for Droidbait and Cutup. Rex thinks Echo is alive, because their battle plans are old ones he and Echo drew up, and also because he has to remind us that Echo died several seasons ago. Rex and Cody leave to meet up with their squad for the mission: Clone Force 99, AKA The Bad Batch! Hunter, the leader! Tech, the smart one! Crosshair, the sharpshooter! Wrecker, the big one! These guys seem cool enough to have their own show. They join up with Rex, Cody, and 501st clones Kix and Jesse to find what the Separatists are using to outwit the Republic. Their gunship is shot down, and with a large number of droids incoming, the Bad Batch goes to work showing off their cool skills, which involve Wrecker lifting things, Hunter stabbing things, and Tech saying numbers while Crosshair shoots. The team infiltrates the Cyber Center, break into the computers and discover that the algorithm they've been looking for is a live signal from the planet Skako Minor. When they try to find out who is sending the signal, they get the answer 'CT-1409'. As the clones escape from the facility, Rex reveals that CT-1409 is Echo. Rex is trying to get support for Echo’s rescue mission and Anakin suggests highlighting the goal of finding out how the Separatists are predicting their strategy. Did Anakin sexually contract politics from Padme? Then Anakin changes subjects and says that he and Rex need to do that ‘thing’. Rex excuses himself and follows Anakin. Rex watches the door while Anakin Space Times Padme who is positively glowing. Anakin and Padme have an actual conversation and look like they genuinely regret being apart. I think those two kids are going to make it. Anakin is worried about Rex being too attached to personal attachments, Padme suggests that Anakin has made the same mistakes once or twice and Anakin actually cops to it. Obi-Wan rolls up on Rex and makes him sweat trying to find excuses for Anakin’s chatting with his wife. Obi-Wan lets him them the hook and says that he hopes Anakin told Padme he says hello. Anakin hasn’t grown too much because he looks pissed rather than embarrassed. Is Star Wars allowed to do ‘show don’t tell’, because that was a great scene. While on their way to Skako Minor Wrecker is working out with a G0NK droid. We told you Dave Filoni was a fan of this podcast. The clones land and are accosted by the aliens from Crystal Skull riding small dragons. Anakin is snatched and taken to their village. Anakin is rescued and it turns out the locals don’t want the war to come to their planet. Meanwhile Admiral Trench calls Wat Tambor to tell him the clones are on their way. Wat thinks that the Techno Union has corporate neutrality, but Trench suggests that a black-ops squad might not have a JAG officer to advise them on rules of engagement here. The clones infiltrate the Techno Union base, Wrecker goes absolutely nuts on some droids, suggesting that some Gronkowski DNA might have been involved in his personal mutation. That party cruise is wild. The clones find a Vault-Tec stasis pod and it was Echo all along. https://twitter.com/ClosingCrawl | |||
| 27 Aug 2024 | Kerradaks Business: The Clone Wars Season 7 Episodes 3 and 4 | 00:58:35 | |
The Bad Batch have just freed Echo from the Techno Union, and are trying to escape. Echo leads them to an elevated walkway, but they’re cut off by droids. Tech summons local flying creatures, and our heroes must take a literal leap of faith off the platform onto their backs to escape… But the droids have wings too?!? Our heroes escape the droids, to the local’s village. The locals and our heroes stage a defense, but the locals have no technology and seem to be being overrun by the droids. Two War of the Worlds style massive droids appear and are clearly turning the tide. Anakin takes out one while the clones tackle the other, and the rest of the droids flee. Our heroes are safe, but Echo seems reluctant to return to, as Rex explains it, things being “just like the old times”. Is Echo trustworthy after his treatment at the hand of the Techno-union? Echo spends the rest of the episode not telling anyone else the specifics of his plan, which doesn’t help convince everyone that nothing is wrong with him. Once aboard Trench's Dreadnaught, they hijack the ship's comm vault, and Echo plugs into the system, intercepting a request from Trench for battle plans. The request is happening now because the Republic forces, under Masters Windu and Kenobi, have launched an all-out assault on a Separatist-held assembly plant. Phase 2 of Echo's plans that he did not tell anyone about in advance is 'Send all Separatist forces to reinforce the assembly plant that Mace and Obi-wan are attacking.’ Again, nothing suspicious here. Warned of more incoming troops, the generals prepare for an even larger battle! Echo makes good on his plan and manages to shutdown all the battle droids once they are in the same place. Admiral Trench has a backup plan, which he has not informed his subordinates of - a bomb hidden in the assembly plant that is big enough to destroy the whole planet! Master Windu goes to disarm the bomb - which is ray-shielded, but fortunately, he has the ability to cause spooky action at a distance. Echo relays the disarmament code to him, but is detected and knocked out before he can relay the last digit. Anakin hunts down Admiral Trench and tells him to reveal the last digit. Trench refuses, noting that Dooku will kill him if he fails to take the planet, but a Jedi would let him live. Skywalker convinces Trench he plays by different rules than the rest of the Jedi, and relays the code to Windu, who disarms the bomb and saves the day, and also kills Trench when Trench tries to stun him. As the bad batch attempts to escape from the ship, Wrecker and Crosshair engage in a "Legolas and Gimli" battle of one-upmanship, killing increasing numbers of droids in increasingly unlikely ways. They board the Marauder and Wrecker gets the last laugh when Anakin hands him the self-destruct button for the flagship. Wrecker gets his boom and the explosion destroys multiple Separatist vessels. When they land, Echo, Rex, and the Bad Batch are congratulated for their efforts. Clone Force 99 lets Echo know that he's now weird enough to be one of them, and he's offered a spot in the group. Rex tells Echo he has to go where he feels he belongs. Echo joins the Bad Batch in saluting Rex. https://twitter.com/ClosingCrawl | |||
| 03 Sep 2024 | Gone Deal: The Clone Wars Season 7 Episodes 5 and 6 | 00:50:03 | |
Ahsoka’s been riding around Coruscant on a speeder bike looking emo: I guess being a Skywalker is a state of mind. Her bike malfunctions and plummets into a bottomless pit, crashing onto a platform several hundred levels down. She meets the owner: Trace. Trace offers her a place to fix her bike, as well as a job Ahsoka demonstrates technical aptitude. Trace is trying to be a capitalist, but really she just wants a friend and also Ahsoka doesn’t really get money. They start to connect and Trace drops some truth bombs that the Jedi are perceived as: starting wars, telling people what to do, and ignoring the problems of everyone who isn’t a Jedi or senator. Some goons show up to collect on a debt from Rafa, Trace’s sister. Trace immediately starts throwing hands. It’s actually a pretty good dust up, until Ahsoka to get involved drops the hammer. They leave to find Trace’s sister Rafa who is stealing from dryers at the local laundromat. Ahsoka and Rafa instantly dislike each other. Apparently it’s Rafa’s legitimate laundromat, which makes her theft both more and less pathetic. Then a dude shows up with a sketchy job of assembling some droids. Ahsoka and Trace are building some Vulture Mk III mechs. Ahsoka reminds Trace about restraining bolts which is handy because one of the droids immediately attacks her., and another pulls a runner. They chase down Mighty Joe Droid and Ahsoka continues to let Trace risk her life because she’s committed to remaining undercover. They capture the droid with minimal Jedi powers. Ahsoka tries to convince Rafa these droids are too dangerous to sell. Rafa says she’ll do the right thing, which turns out to be charging double. Ahsoka realizes that the Jedi never prepared her for dealing with moral gray areas. Later, Trace and Ahsoka are doing repairs and talking about where Ahsoka learned so much about starships. She tells Trace she learned it at Skywalker Academy. Trace tells Ahsoka she couldn't afford to go to an academy, but she scrimped and saved and built her own ship: The Silver Angel! Ahsoka feels directionless and asks to stick around for a bit. Rafa’s got a job to make them a bunch of money, and begrudgingly allows Ahsoka to join the crew, but won’t tell them what the job is until they’re underway. Trace pilots the ship into a military traffic lane. Admiral Yalarin, on the Star Destroyer in their path hails the Silver Angel. Ahsoka hangs up on him and instructs Trace to pilot them into the civilian lanes. Anakin, who is on the same bridge as Yalarin, senses Ahsoka with the force, but ultimately lets the ship pass just like he would do later for Luke. The Silver Angel emerges from hyperspace above Kessell! They land and are invited to a banquet, where it’s revealed the Rafa's job is to haul Spice for the Pykes. They load the spice and head to Oba Diah to deliver. Onboard, all three fight about what to do. Ahsoka wants to deliver to anyone except the Pykes so it can be used for medicine. Rafa wants to deliver to their intended recipients. Trace, torn between doing what is right versus what her sister wants, dumps the spice into space, uh-oh. Rafa said they must now give up the ship to hopefully save their lives, Trace strongly disagrees, but Ahsoka has a plan! Ahsoka Jedi mind-tricks the Pyke leader, and he gives them their credits and lets them go. However, a subordinate inspects the cargo, notices it is empty, and calls in reinforcements. With their ship stuck in a tractor beam and surrounded by enemies, things don’t look good for the trio. https://twitter.com/ClosingCrawl | |||
| 10 Sep 2024 | Dangerous Together: The Clone Wars Season 7 Episodes 7 and 8 | 00:53:28 | |
Ahsoka and the Martez sisters failed at smuggling spice, and are imprisoned on Oba Diah. They argue, someone calls Ahsoka a Jedi, and Ahsoka responds with 'so what if I were?': the sisters react in horror. See: the Martezes’ parents were killed in a mishap during Ziro the Hutt's prison break, when the elder Martezes came up on the wrong side of Bariss Offee’s solution to the trolley problem. The Jedi did helpfully explain that the Force would guide the new orphans, before bouncing. The Pykes attempt some kid-friendly torture on Trace, but she steals a gun and flees. Ahsoka secretly uses the force to open her cell, and the escape is on! A running gunfight ensues, with the Martez sisters shooting and Ahsoka slyly using Force powers to assist. Ahsoka and Rafa take a moment to discuss whether Trace is cut out for a life of crime. Trace and Rafa are re-captured while Ahsoka flees. Three Mandalorians, with familiar voices depending on which shows that aired before this that you've seen observe, and suggest that Ahsoka might be a Jedi. Ahsoka attempts to free Trace and Rafa, but they are caught and returned to the same cell they were in at the start of the episode. Back in their cell, Ahsoka wants to hold a retrospective, but Rafa wants to assign blame. Someone isn’t abiding by Scrum values! (They’re never going to get their PMP certification this way.) Ahsoka comes up with a better plan than Rafa’s ‘play sick’ scheme. Ahsoka starts lying to the Pyke leader, and Rafa is on the ball enough to run with the premise. Trace and Rafa are sent to get the spice by holding their non-existent family hostage. The Pyke high seneschal is also savvy enough to get that this is a scam, but doesn't have a choice because without the spice he’s going to be in big trouble with his boss. Trace and Rafa leave in the Silver Angel, and are creeped on by Bo Katan’s Mandalorian peeping squad. At a space Cracker Barrel Rafa explains the scheme to Trace by speaking slowly and using big words. Also some visual aids. A couple puppets. Rafa can’t owe anyone anything so she’s going to steal spice and save Ahsoka Ahsoka breaks out of prison, Rafa and Trace find a spice mining operation and Rafa has a hot hand with the fast talk skill. Ahsoka plants bombs all over the spice refining facility. Grand Pyke is getting his ass chewed out by a shadowy holo figure about the missing spice shipment. Hey, it’s Maul! Ahsoka is ambushed and outs herself as a Jedi. Back with Trace and Rafa, Rafa finally throws a bad roll and the Trandoshan longshoreman manager calls her bluff. Aggressive negotiations ensue and Trace gets into a slap fight with nerdlingers; that 1D in strength isn’t going to get the job done. Rafa apparently specialized in Gymkata and uses her skill on the uneven bars to dump the Trandoshan into a chasm. The sisters escape with the spice and show up in time to save Ahsoka. Not! The Grand Pyke dimes out Ahsoka; Rafa and Trace are stunned and hurt. Ahsoka and Trac and Rafa decide to pass the Bechdel Wallace test. Meanwhile Chekhov’s thermal detonators explode and move us right into Act 3. A chase ensues and Trace decides to play the ballsiest game of chicken this side of Footloose. Our heroes escape and are followed by Bo Katan. Rafa says Ahsoka is what a Jedi should be. Bo shows up to ask for help in dealing with Maul, but Ahsoka is fearful it will lead her back to the Jedi. Ahsoka apparently was too busy murdering droids to learn the term bildungsroman. https://twitter.com/ClosingCrawl | |||
| 13 Aug 2024 | Gen Con 2022 Live Special Episode | 00:24:37 | |
The Closing Crawl Crew discusses the past of the podcast, the future of Star Wars, and visits with an old friend, long gone. https://twitter.com/ClosingCrawl | |||
| 17 Sep 2024 | Old Apprentice: The Clone Wars Season 7 Episodes 9 and 10 | 00:51:37 | |
An old-school “Lucasfilm Limited” logo, nice and green, introduces our show, followed by a red Clone Wars logo and title card: Part 1 Old Friends Not Forgotten. For the first time in the series, we have no Jedi Fortune Cookie. Grievous has launched an offensive across the outer rim. On Yerbana, Obi-Wan arrives in the knick of time to slice a missile in half before it kills Cody, and sticking a Marvel superhero landing. Anakin refuses to take cover because “there’s only 1000 droids, tops,” and pulls a full Obi-Wan false surrender to lure out the tactical droid; which he force pulls the length of a football field then slices its head off. Rex’s clones fly in on jetpacks and finish off the droids. Admiral Yularen tells Anakin and Obi-Wan they have an incoming transmission using the code “Fulcrum.” It’s Ahsoka with a lead on Maul’s location! Ahsoka and Bo-Katan arrive on the ship. Anakin tries to buddy up - but he gets the cold shoulder. Bo-Katan proposes a joint operation to capture Maul. Anakin surprises Ahsoka with a visit to Rex and the 501st. They salute her, even though she’s no longer a commander. Before Anakin can present her with a special gift alarms blare: Grievous is attacking Coruscant! This means the boys can’t go to Mandalore with Ahsoka and Bo. Anakin promotes Rex to commander and splits the 501st, assigning half the company to aid in the capture of Maul. Anakin gives Ahsoka her lightsabers, which he took very good care of, and even made some improvements. Ahsoka, Bo, Rex and the now halved 250 ½ clone squad arrive on Mandalore and meet with resistance. Bo goes after Almec, and Ahsoka goes after Maul. Ahsoka falls into Maul’s trap, which was meant for Kenobi and Anakin. We end once again in a fade out with no fanfare music. We begin again without a Jedi Fortune Cookie, but the radio announcer...actually, no, the radio announcer is gone too, along with the opening theme. We are really at endgame here. Ahsoka is surrounded by Maul and his loyal Mandalorians, as he informs her he was hoping his plan would lure Obi-wan here. While he soliloquizes, Ahsoka signals Rex and the clones with her location: they free Ahsoka, but Maul escapes. In the throne room, Ahsoka and Bo-Katan speak to Obi-wan via Spacetime(tm). He informs them that we're now past the opening of Revenge of the Sith, and that Anakin and he rescued the Chancellor and killed Dooku. Back in the tunnels, Ahsoka learns that Maul has captured ARC Trooper Jesse and is searching for her. Prime Minister Almec is killed by Gar Saxon, who is tying up lose ends under Maul's orders. Maul decides that with Sidious's plans coming to fruition, the time for action has come - he fires up his Mandalorians with a speech about dying gloriously in battle, and then sneaks into the throne room to surprise the heroes. Maul and Ahsoka discuss their differences. Now that Maul knows Ahsoka's full history, and that she has left the Order, he offers her an alliance to defeat Sidious. She agrees to the plan, but only if Maul explains what's up with Anakin. Maul tells her the truth: he's the key to Sidious's plan, and has been groomed to be the new Sith apprentice. Unwilling to accept the truth of this, Ahsoka decides that she must fight Maul instead. And we get the best lightsaber battle of the series! Maul disarms Ahsoka, and offers her one last chance to join him, but she sticks to her convictions. Then, with an assist from a number of clones, she captures Maul and secures him for transport back to Coruscant. https://twitter.com/ClosingCrawl | |||
| 24 Sep 2024 | Shattered Victory: The Clone Wars Season 7 Episodes 11 and 12 | 01:02:14 | |
Bo-Katan and Ahsoka lament the Mandalorian Civil war’s casualties. Mandalore needs a new type of leader, in the mold of Bo’s sister Satine. I’m sure everyone who lost loved ones in the conflict are glad that Bo learned a lesson. Ahsoka has a SpaceTime(™) with the Jedi council. We’re in act 3 of Revenge of the Sith and Ahsoka joins the council meeting in time to say smell you later to Mace, Ki-Adi and Aayla Secura. Yoda fails to guilt trip Ahsoka about the whole ex-Jedi thing. Ahsoka and Rex reckon with the cost of war, and interestingly enough Erich Maria Remarque got a writing credit for this episode. Ahsoka and a Republic Cruiser’s worth of clones prepare to extradite the imprisoned Maul to Coruscant. Ahsoka has force visions of Anakin merking Mace, just as Rex receives Order 66. Rex fights the control chip, while other members of the 250.5th immediately draw down. Ahsoka escapes to free Maul, and suggests he cause a distraction. Ahsoka then recruits some astromech droids; if they’re half as violent and chaotic as R2 she’s got a real shot at getting out of this. Ahsoka uses tries to reason with Rex. When that fails she informs him the astromech droids came here to hack elevators and taze clones and they’re all out of elevators. She takes the unconscious Rex to the med bay for some Force assisted trepanning. Rex comes through the procedure in his right mind, but the frogurt is also cursed and the rest of the clones are actively trying to hunt down and kill all Jedi. Rex and Ahsoka (henceforth Rexsoka)’s cruiser hurtles through hyperspace. They are trapped in the med bay as Order 66-ed clones cut through the doors. Rexsoka set their blasters and fists to stun, incapacitate the clones, and escape to the shuttle bay. Maul wreaks havoc on the ship’s systems, knocking the cruiser out of hyperspace. Ahsoka directs the droids to find an escape ship since the cruiser is falling into the moon’s gravity well. They locate a shuttle, but a sea of clones blocks their way. Rex, tears in his eyes, tells Ahsoka the clones will kill them. Ahsoka knows this, but she will not kill them in return. Ahsoka hatches a plan to get to the escape ship: she pretends to be Rex’s prisoner. This gambit allows the droids to get into position and pull the proverbial rug out from underneath the clones. With escape in sight, Maul shows up and ganks their shuttle! The droids then heroically lay down their lives to save Rexsoka. Rexsoka finds a Y-Wing. Ahsoka flings Rex onto the ship, then the cruiser tilts violently and begins to breaks up in atmosphere. The Y-Wing is thrown from the hangar, sans Ahsoka. She leaps off the cruiser and… sky walks? down the falling pieces of the rapidly disintegrating cruiser. She reaches Rex and they fly away. The Y-Wing lands next to the wrecked cruiser, we see Rex with shovel in hand. They’ve come to bury the dead. Their friends. His brothers. Ahsoka reflects on the sea of clone helmets, some still painted with her markings. We freeze on Jesse’s helmet, Ahsoka looks down, and one of her lightsabers falls to the ground. We flash forward and see STORMtroopers milling about. We hear all-to-familiar mechanical breath. Darth Vader approaches, retrieves Ahsoka’s lightsaber, lights it, then surveys the wreckage. Above glides a Convor (the owl-like bird that became a sort of spirit companion to Ahsoka after Mortis). We cut to the visor of an Ahsoka-painted helmet lying in the snow, where Vader’s reflection retreats as we reach THE END. https://twitter.com/ClosingCrawl | |||
| 01 Sep 2020 | Ambush: The Clone Wars Season 1 Episode 1 | 00:43:33 | |
The Closing Crawl reviews Season 1, Episode 1 of The Clone Wars animated series. https://twitter.com/ClosingCrawl | |||
| 15 Sep 2020 | Malevolence: The Clone Wars Season 1 Episodes 2, 3, and 4 | 01:24:27 | |
The Closing Crawl proudly presents: "The 'Hello there!' skit, story problems (the math kind), and tackles The Clone Wars season 1, Episodes 2-4: Rising Malevolence, Shadow of Malevolence, and Destroy Malevolence. https://twitter.com/ClosingCrawl | |||
| 29 Sep 2020 | Rookies: The Clone Wars Season 1 Episode 5 | 00:41:00 | |
The Closing Crawl Crew tackles Propagandist VJs, Gonk Droids, and Sun Bonnets as they review The Clone Wars Season 1, Episode 5: Rookies. https://twitter.com/ClosingCrawl | |||
| 13 Oct 2020 | Downfall Duel: The Clone Wars Season 1 Episodes 6 and 7 | 01:08:22 | |
The Closing Crawl Crew takes on whether you can judge a Tradoshan book by its cover, droid poppers, and the love that dare not speak its name as they review Star Wars: The Clone Wars Season 1, Episodes 6, 7 Downfall of a Droid and Duel of the Droids. https://twitter.com/ClosingCrawl | |||
| 27 Oct 2020 | Bombad Cloak: The Clone Wars Season 1 Episodes 8 and 9 | 01:01:45 | |
The Closing Crawl Gang discuss C3-PO's desire to hide in a closet, Ventress' Big Energy, and celebrate the first passing of the Bechdel Test in Clone Wars as they review Star Wars: The Clone Wars Season 1, Episodes 8 and 9: Bombad Jedi and Cloak of Darkness. https://twitter.com/ClosingCrawl | |||
| 10 Nov 2020 | Lair of Grievous: The Clone Wars Season 1 Episode 10 | 00:56:20 | |
Kit Fisto takes his 'Apprentice Turning' mulligan, we meet EV-A4-D and cherish what little time we have together. Naming your pet monster Gore is a little on the nose. All this and more as the Closing Crawl investigates Start Wars: The Clone Wars Season 1, Episode 10: Lair of Grievous. https://twitter.com/ClosingCrawl | |||
| 24 Nov 2020 | Captured Gungan: The Clone Wars Season 1 Episodes 11 and 12 | 01:09:24 | |
Can Jedi's be poisoned? Can any army withstand the tactical field Jar-Jar? Join the devious, deceitful, and most importantly stupid Closing Crawl as we recap Star Wars: The Clone Wars Episodes 11 and 12: Dooku Captured and The Gungan General. https://twitter.com/ClosingCrawl | |||
| 08 Dec 2020 | Crash Defenders: The Clone Wars Season 1 Episodes 13 and 14 | 01:00:20 | |
An enticing mélange of shoddy Republic blast doors, Jedi philosophy, thought provoking questions, and George Takei make this arc work. And that's before the rolling lemurs. Closing Crawl recaps Star Wars: The Clone Wars Season 1, Episodes 13 and 14: Jedi Crash and Defenders of Peace. https://twitter.com/ClosingCrawl | |||
| 22 Dec 2020 | Trespass: The Clone Wars Season 1 Episode 15 | 00:39:53 | |
If you had Atlatl as today's secret word - you win! The Closing Crawl recaps a chilly Star Wars: The Clone Wars Season 1, Episode 15: Trespass. Tis the season! https://twitter.com/ClosingCrawl | |||
| 05 Jan 2021 | The Hidden Enemy: The Clone Wars Season 1 Episode 16 | 00:40:42 | |
The unfortunate lot of the Clones is put squarely in the spotlight, and Ventress and Obi-Wan hate-flirt each other. Welcome back to Christophsis with the gang as we recap Star Wars: The Clone Wars Season 1, Episode 16: The Hidden Enemy https://twitter.com/ClosingCrawl | |||
| 19 Jan 2021 | Blue Moons: The Clone Wars Season 1 Episodes 17 and 18 | 00:57:38 | |
This week's episodes feature: a mad scientist, the Ghost of Drall, and Angels - and somehow it's not a Halloween episode! Join Closing Crawl as we review Star Wars: The Clone Wars Season 1, Episodes 17 and 18: Blue Shadow Virus and Mystery of the Thousand Moons https://twitter.com/ClosingCrawl | |||
| 02 Feb 2021 | Ryloth: The Clone Wars Season 1 Episodes 19, 20, and 21 | 01:08:41 | |
Struggle with us as we try to understand Separatist fleet designations, and play match game with Jedi Masters and iconic martial leaders, it's Clone Wars Season 1, Episodes 19-21, Storm Over Ryloth, Innocents of Ryloth, and Liberty on Ryloth https://twitter.com/ClosingCrawl | |||
| 16 Feb 2021 | Hostage Crisis: The Clone Wars Season 1 Episodes 22 | 00:46:45 | |
Hostage Crisis, the season finale of Clone Wars Season 1, is inexplicably a bottle episode featuring a villain not yet introduced, and no cliffhanger. Truly Clone Wars zigz when everyone else zags. https://twitter.com/ClosingCrawl | |||
| 02 Mar 2021 | Holocron Doom Force: The Clone Wars Season 2 Episodes 1, 2, and 3 | 00:48:16 | |
Season 2's (re?)-introduction of Cad Bane cements him as one of the great Clone Wars villains. Help us keep Ahsoka company in detention with Star Wars: The Clone Wars Season 2, Episodes 1-3 Holocron Heist, Cargo of Doom, and Children of the Force https://twitter.com/ClosingCrawl | |||
| 16 Mar 2021 | Senate Rain Factory: The Clone Wars Season 2 Episodes 4, 5, and 6 | 00:55:37 | |
A tale of warm sushi, cold hearts, and flaming Geonosians. The Closing Crawl tackles Star Wars: Days of Our Lives, Season 2, Episodes 4-6, Senate Spy, Landing at Point Rain, and Weapons Factory https://twitter.com/ClosingCrawl | |||
| 30 Mar 2021 | Terror Brain: The Clone Wars Season 2 Episodes 7 and 8 | 00:55:17 | |
Closing Crawl enters through the ear with this pastiche of Night of the Living Dead, Aliens, and The Thing bring terror to the Clone Wars Universe, in Season 2, Episodes 7 and 8: Legacy of Terror and Brain Invaders. https://twitter.com/ClosingCrawl | |||
| 13 Apr 2021 | Grievous Deserter: The Clone Wars Season 2 Episodes 9 and 10 | 01:04:52 | |
Grievous' tactical cape gets a workout, and Rex narrowly avoids a cult deprogrammer in The Clone Wars, Season 2, Episodes 9 and 10 Grievous Intrigue and The Deserter. https://twitter.com/ClosingCrawl | |||
| 27 Apr 2021 | Lightsaber Lost: The Clone Wars Season 2 Episode 11 | 00:39:14 | |
Jared takes is to Film School and Drew teaches a course in Lit Crit in this Kurosawa-Campbell mashup (PARKOUR) in The Clone Wars Season 2, Episode 11, Lightsaber Lost https://twitter.com/ClosingCrawl | |||
| 11 May 2021 | Senate Murders: The Clone Wars Season 2 Episode 15 | 00:42:03 | |
The Jedi Cruiser CloneWars crashes and Burns while attempting Film Noir Pastiche - and Closing Crawl has their worst episode yet! (Did we mention Uncle Ono is deeply flawed?) https://twitter.com/ClosingCrawl | |||
| 04 May 2021 | Mandalore Temptation Duchess: The Clone Wars Season 2 Episodes 12, 13, and 14 | 01:17:16 | |
Happy May 4th! https://twitter.com/ClosingCrawl | |||
| 08 Jun 2021 | Cat and Mouse: The Clone Wars Season 2 Episode 16 | 00:41:09 | |
We expected less arachnids an in episode called Cat and Mouse. Also, we talk about Spacetime's (TM) broadcast-less communication technology. https://twitter.com/ClosingCrawl | |||
| 25 May 2021 | Bounty Hunters: The Clone Wars Season 2 Episode 17 | 00:50:50 | |
Jared's R-Rated Michael Winslow as Michael Wincott earn this episode an Explicit tag, closing crawl goes deep - probably too deep - on this 23 minute episode. Mention code WHIRLY for a 5% discount https://twitter.com/ClosingCrawl | |||
| 22 Jun 2021 | TZB&TZBSB: The Clone Wars Season 2 Episodes 18 and 19 | 00:59:48 | |
It's Godzilla vs. Kong in this two parter that proves Star Wars can be anything it wants to be when it grows up! Help Closing Crawl dissect The Zillo Beast; in Clone Wars Season 2 Episodes 18, 19. https://twitter.com/ClosingCrawl | |||
| 06 Jul 2021 | Trap R2 Lethal: The Clone Wars Season 2 Episodes 20, 21, and 22 | 01:15:22 | |
Clone Wars Season 2 ends with a Bobang, R2 tortures some Gundarks, and Mace Windu gets a field promotion to Jedi Knight! https://twitter.com/ClosingCrawl | |||
| 20 Jul 2021 | Star Wars Toys Special Episode | 01:16:37 | |
The Closing Crawl crew and friends discuss Star Wars toys, brotherhood, and Rocket Firing Fett in this special palate cleansing episode between Season 2 and 3 of Clone Wars. https://twitter.com/ClosingCrawl | |||
| 03 Aug 2021 | Clone Troopers: The Clone Wars Season 3 Episode 1 and 2 | 01:08:53 | |
Closing Crawl drafts American Gladiators, and avoids judging books by their cover in this inexplicably long podcast covering Clone Wars Season 3, Episodes 1 and 2 Clone Cadets and ARC Troopers. https://twitter.com/ClosingCrawl | |||
| 17 Aug 2021 | Supply Lines: The Clone Wars Season 3 Episode 3 | 00:44:54 | |
What do Noam Chomsky, Randy Johnson, and Rowdy Roddy Piper have to do with Clone Wars, Season 3 Episode 4 Supply Lines? Nothing! And yet for some reason they still figure into Closing Crawl's analysis of Star Wars: The Clone Wars - Season 3 Episode 3; Supply Lines https://twitter.com/ClosingCrawl | |||
| 31 Aug 2021 | Sphere of Influence: The Clone Wars Season 3 Episode 4 | 00:42:39 | |
Thank the Maker! for this one off appearance of the greatest man in Star Wars. Also Jared has an off night if you're into watching great men falter. Closing Crawl rescues Star Wars: The Clone Wars Season 3, Episode 4: Sphere of Influence. https://twitter.com/ClosingCrawl | |||
| 14 Sep 2021 | Corruption Academy: The Clone Wars Season 3 Episode 5 and 6 | 00:54:54 | |
It took an anodyne tale of corruption to shatter a once proud cast member. See who cracks as Closing Crawl covers Clone Wars: Season 3 Episodes 5 and 6: Corruption and The Academy https://twitter.com/ClosingCrawl | |||
| 28 Sep 2021 | Assassin: The Clone Wars Season 3 Episode 7 | 00:39:51 | |
Ashoka discovers a Jedi power even better than falling, and Drew explains why Alderaan's art director doomed the planet to destruction in Star Wars, the Clone Wars, Season 3 Episode 7: Assassin. https://twitter.com/ClosingCrawl | |||
| 05 Oct 2021 | Evil Ziro: The Clone Wars Season 3 Episodes 8 and 9 | 00:50:44 | |
Rub2-D-Tug falls into a Black Mirror episode, while 3P0 ends up in a Saw movie, and Truman Capote ends up dead. Join Closing Crawl as we nail it in one take, resulting in no post credits sequence, for this week's review of Star Wars: The Clone Wars Season 3 Episodes 8 and 9, Evil Plans and Hunt for Ziro. https://twitter.com/ClosingCrawl | |||
| 26 Oct 2021 | Heroes Pursuit: The Clone Wars Season 3 Episodes 10 and 11 | 00:46:41 | |
Star Wars goes back to its roots: trade disputes, banking regulations, and Draculas. Closing Crawl negotiates Star Wars: The Clone Wars Season 3 Episodes 10 and 11: Heroes on Both Sides, and Pursuit of Peace https://twitter.com/ClosingCrawl | |||
| 09 Nov 2021 | Nightsisters Monster Witches: The Clone Wars Season 3 Episodes 12, 13, and 14 | 00:50:27 | |
An important arc sees the canon (re)introduction of the Nightsisters and... Darth Maul is alive? Plus an episode called Witches of the Mist about Mother Talzin and Ventress doesn't pass the Bechdel test. Closing Crawl meets The Kurgan's alter ego in Clone Wars, Season 3, Episodes 12-14: Nightsisters, Monster, Witches of the Mist https://twitter.com/ClosingCrawl | |||
| 23 Nov 2021 | Overlords Altar Ghosts: The Clone Wars Season 3 Episodes 15, 16, and 17 | 00:53:47 | |
Lucas elucidates Anakin's chosen one status, and Closing Crawl is none the wiser. This episode is dedicated to Scott Swanson, hacker, mentor, friend. https://twitter.com/ClosingCrawl | |||
| 07 Dec 2021 | Citadel Attack Rescue: The Clone Wars Season 3 Episodes 18, 19, and 20 | 00:54:18 | |
Clone Wars finally pays off the foreshadowing we've all been waiting for since Clone Cadets. Closing Crawl sends Echo to a nice farm in upstate New York in Clone Wars: Season 3 Episodes 18-20: The Citadel, Counterattack, and Citadel Rescue https://twitter.com/ClosingCrawl | |||
| 21 Dec 2021 | Lost Wookie: The Clone Wars Season 3 Episodes 21 and 22 | 00:38:09 | |
While this episode of Closing Crawl is filmed in black and white, trust me, it's really funny - oooOOOHHHHH CHEWBACCA! We take on View Askew productions Clone Wars, Season 3 Episodes 21-22, Padawan Lost and Wookie Hunt. https://twitter.com/ClosingCrawl | |||
| 04 Jan 2022 | Star Wars Comics and Books Special Episode | 01:12:26 | |
The Closing Crawl crew and friends disclose their origin stories re: Star Wars printed media, Trioculus gets a name check, and we tease Dawson's Creek writer Kevin J. Anderson. https://twitter.com/ClosingCrawl | |||