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09 Dec 2024
253: Sexual Sovereignty and Pleasure with Dr. Saida Desilets
00:39:41
In this episode of Better Sex, host Jessa Zimmerman speaks with Dr. Saida Désilets about women's sexual pleasure and the idea of sexual sovereignty. Dr. Désilets shares her personal journey starting from childhood, discussing the impacts of trauma, the cultural stigmas around female pleasure, and the importance of creating a safe space within one's own body. They delve into the physiological benefits of pleasure, breathing techniques, and practices to enhance sensual and sexual wellbeing. Listeners are provided with actionable tips to connect more deeply with their bodies and embrace their own sexual sovereignty.
00:00 Introduction to Better Sex Podcast
00:47 Interview with Dr. Saida Désilets
01:32 Understanding Women's Sexual Pleasure
03:20 The Impact of Trauma on Sexuality
10:29 Exploring Sexual Sovereignty
27:58 Practical Tips for Connecting with Your Body
Dr. Saida Désilets wants to live in a world filled with audacious, sexually sovereign people, living life on their own terms. As a TEDx speaker, researcher, counter-culture creatrix, body-philosopher, and author, her work has touched the lives of millions globally. Dr. Saida's innovative approach to PsychoSexuality, desire, and pleasure invites both the public and professionals to better understand the importance of accessing their erotic genius. Her medically-endorsed method integrates somatic awareness, neural and cellular re-patterning and robust reframes of sensuality and sex which all work in harmony to support the erotic individuation process. This work is an essential part of a medical protocol to support sexual optimization as well as part of the BrainTap App. When not researching or creating transformational programs, Dr. Saida enjoys leading Wilderness Safaris in South Africa and swimming in the Aegean Sea.
Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.
240: Making and Keeping Agreements with Martha Kauppi
00:51:48
In this episode of the Better Sex Podcast, host Jessa Zimmerman welcomes back guest Martha Kauppi for a vibrant discussion on the art of making and keeping agreements in relationships. They explore the importance of having explicit conversations to establish trust and understanding between partners. Topics include identifying when and what types of agreements should be made, the significance of revisiting and renegotiating agreements, and developing the skills needed to navigate these discussions constructively. The episode also delves into distinctive challenges faced by both monogamous and polyamorous couples, providing insights into maintaining integrity and trust. Listeners are guided on how to uphold agreements effectively and the potential pitfalls of inadequate or overly detailed agreements.
00:00 Introduction to Better Sex Podcast
00:51 The Importance of Agreements in Relationships
03:29 Common Areas Requiring Agreements
07:20 Revisiting and Keeping Agreements
11:15 The Skills for Making Good Agreements
22:31 Trust Building Through Transparent Agreements
24:10 Mid-Episode Break: Resources for Desire Discrepancy
25:04 Revisiting Agreements: The Importance of Flexibility
25:13 Experimentation in Agreement Making
26:27 The Collaborative Nature of Agreements
26:54 Understanding Your Partner's Needs
28:32 Building Trust Through Hard Conversations
30:14 Monogamous vs. Polyamorous Agreements
33:17 Avoiding Pitfalls in Agreement Making
39:17 The Consequences of Breaking Agreements
40:50 When Agreements Become Deal Breakers
48:35 Resources for Better Relationships
Want access to the secret podcasts regarding desire discrepancy?
Martha Kauppi is a marriage and family therapist, educator, author, speaker, and AASECT-certified sex therapist and supervisor. She has a lifelong career in health and sexuality, and is a senior trainer of the Developmental Model of Couples Therapy. Martha trains therapists all over the world to work more effectively with relational intimacy challenges and sex issues. She is the author of Polyamory: A Clinical Toolkit for Therapists (and Their Clients).
Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.
My guest is a repeat guest, which is a first for the Better Sex Podcast! His name is Matthias Rose and he is a Tantric teacher and healer. Matthias operates his practice out of Seattle and loves to connect couples through the power of Tantra.
In this episode though, he explores the power of “ejaculatory choice”. This is the concept that men can be in control of their ejaculation and learn to orgasm without ejaculation. By riding what he calls orgasmic waves, men can slow down their experiences, ramp up their connection and intimacy with their partner, and overall just let go and experience sex in a healthy, care-free, powerful way.
Listen in for much more on this powerful practice.
The Benefits of ‘Ejaculatory Choice’
Matthias says that rewording the phrase “ejaculatory control” to “ejaculatory choice” is a much more accurate and healthy representation for men. The benefits are many, and can extend to covering premature and retarded ejaculation. Ejaculatory choice is also beneficial for those with erectile dysfunction.
The Difference Between Ejaculation and Orgasm
Matthias says that when he is paying attention to internal experiences, arousal, and physical stimuli, the act of ejaculation doesn’t necessarily coincide with orgasm. Usually, orgasm and ejaculation happen close together, but they are not the same thing.
And so, as he states, you can have the orgasmic experiences without ejaculation. Because they are separate, you can practice ejaculatory choice and forego ejaculation to experience the waves and sensations of orgasm.
Multiple Orgasms and Greater Intimacy
Apart from being able to separate ejaculation and orgasm and thus achieve multiple orgasms with practice, ejaculatory choice also means greater intimacy with your partner.
It can lead to an exploration and a ‘playing’ in orgasmic waves that naturally stokes the embers of passion. And overall, being present and thoughtful and fully engaged with your ejaculation choice leads to more thoughtful, intimate sex.
He says that once sex is approached from a more open-ended way, there is greater potential for felt connection and overall better sex.
Ejaculation Obstacles and Techniques for Resolution
Matthias says that rapid ejaculation is more common than delayed ejaculation. He says that his approach is to let go of the ‘why’ when talking about ejacluation. His approach is less analytical and more practical in the sense that he introduces techniques for resolving the ejaculatory issue.
He says that getting rid of the usual anxious thoughts and distractions is key. He also tries to bring conscious attention to the physical sensations. And within that consciousness comes a shifting of the body’s automatic path to climaxing.
The Power of Breathing
Mathias says that deep, calming breaths are important for curbing the urge to ejaculate. You can self-regulate in this way if you are feeling the intensity ramp up.
He also says that you look at breathing as a way of moving energy away from the penis and upwards into the body, this can give you a lot more control over your ejaculation. This practice de-escalates the need to ejaculate and makes for more pleasurable sex. It is also directly applicable to females as well.
This breathing technique opens the door for more relaxation, which by extension leads to better sex. This is diametrically opposed to the tensing and clenching techniques often used to delay ejaculation, which leads to loss of energy and doesn’t give the benefits of ejaculation control.
As he says, most men who practice slowing down and doing the deep breathing find that after the initial climax builds and the male successfully slows down and avoids ejaculation, the brain understands that you are not wanting to ejaculate. Most men report having a few more minutes of free play until it builds back up again.
In short, you build up the potential to ride orgasmic waves as you continually build up the delayed climaxes.
If you’re enjoying the podcast and want to be a part of making sure it continues in the future, consider being a patron. With a small monthly pledge, you can support the costs of putting this show together. For as little as $2 per month, you can get advance access to each episode. For just a bit more, you will receive an advance copy of a chapter of my new book. And for $10 per month, you get all that plus an invitation to an online Q&A chat with me once a quarter. Learn more at https://www.patreon.com/bettersexpodcast
Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.
To start this episode, Jenny shares her fascination for the “etiology” (origin) of our body image. That is, when did we first become self-conscious about our bodies? Jenny states that she did over sixty interviews during the research stage of The Body Image Blueprint and the answer she found is fascinating. To learn of this central source, where most of our insecurities first become apparent, tune into the episode.
The Positive Impacts of Jenny’s Work
Jenny shares some of the facets of her clients’ lives that are completely enriched and rejuvenated: from improved self-esteem to VASTLY improved sexual function, all were centered on techniques that were gradually applied and eventually compounded to an increased quality of life. For more on just how positive the impacts of her work, you can read testimonials on her website, as well as listen along to the episode.
Body Image and Sexuality
Plain and simple, one’s body image is inextricably linked to one’s sexuality. And because of that, Jenny knows the symptoms of stress and insecurity, and how they can detract from an overall healthy sexuality. During the interview, she talks about the importance of expansion over restriction. So often, self-consciousness holds us back from being our most expressive self in the bedroom, and as a result, our sex suffers. As Jenny states, we are often far too mired in our stress-response to actually experience pleasure. The bedroom shouldn’t be a stress-inducing place; it should be stress-relieving. For more brilliant insights on the topic, Jenny goes even deeper during the interview.
Lights Off During Sex? Not Anymore!
Jenny relays the tragic fact that many are too ashamed of their bodies to have sex with the lights on. Be it the result of shame or an inability to be comfortable in their own skin, many are afraid. But Jenny has a technique which she uses with some of her clients. It involves a mirror and it has vast potential for getting people more comfortable with their naked bodies. Tune in to hear what it entails.
Not Just Women, but Men as Well
Another important fact that Jenny points out during the interview is that men are affected by negative body images as well. Be it specific measurements of a certain nature or socially-reinforced ideas of muscularity and masculinity, the guy can go through the same sort of insecurities about body image as the woman.
Embracing Pleasure Through Sensuality and Mindfulness
Jenny states that embracing pleasure is absolutely essential for any healthy dynamic in the bedroom. And the way to get there is through sensuality and mindfulness. Regarding sensuality, we need to focus on the sensations that arise in the moment. Once we become attuned to our bodies instead of looking to escape them, we can truly learn to embrace pleasure. There are certain mindfulness techniques that Jenny brings up during the episode that are very helpful in achieving this focus on sensuality. Check it out!
The Three Precursors to Love
The first two precursors to a love of one’s body are trust and respect. The first of these, trust, might be the most important of the precursors. Through it, we can learn to trust the sensations that we feel, without looking for an end goal. Because poor performance or an unsatisfactory ending can derail a positive sexual experience, learning to trust the present-moment sensations and experiences is of tantamount importance. Through mindfulness, sex becomes less about “finishing” and more about the sensual journey along the way. For the last precursor to self-love, listen to the interview!
Mindful Eating
Jenny also talks about how the same sort of principles used for mindfulness during sex can be used for eating. Looking to change her clients’ perceptions about eating as a whole, the activity becomes a much more profound experience when approached through mindfulness. To learn some of the benefits, as well as how to go about eating mindfully, listen to the episode.
About Jenny Berk
Jenny Berk has spent considerable time helping her clients love their bodies. She bestows upon clients the tools to foster a positive self-image, an acceptance of self, and increased levels of self-esteem. Her main objective is to reorient the thinking of the people she works closely with, helping them heal from a body-image perspective and tune into intrinsic wisdom to learn how to nourish ourselves naturally and joyfully.
She has earned a Master of Science in Education and Psychological Services from the University of Pennsylvania. In addition, she has more than 14 years of experience as a professional health coach.
Also, Jenny has authored the best-selling book, The Body Image Blueprint: Your Go-To Guide for Radical Self-Reverence. And lastly, she is the pioneer of The Beyond Weight Loss™ Method which has changed the lives of many people, herself included.
She resides in Boston with her husband, 3 spirited daughters and 2 kittens. When she’s not coaching, she loves to travel, hike, cook and entertain and spend time with good friends and family and languish over a delicious meal and a deep talk.
Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.
259: Somatic Approaches to Anxiety During Sex with Indigo Stray Conger
00:27:46
In this episode of the Better Sex Podcast, host Jessa Zimmerman interviews sex therapist Indigo Stray Conger about the impacts of anxiety on sexual experiences. They delve into the common sexual concerns clients bring, such as libido discrepancies, erection issues, and orgasm control, and explore how anxiety can exacerbate these problems. Indigo shares her expertise on using somatic, body-based approaches to manage and alleviate anxiety, emphasizing the importance of breathwork, mindfulness, and creating awareness of subtle pleasure cues. The discussion also touches on the significance of sexual health for overall well-being, the cultural taboos surrounding conversations about sex, and strategies for enhancing intimate connections with partners.
Indigo has been a psychotherapist since 2008 and has over a decade of therapeutic training, including as one of the few AASECT certified sex therapists at a supervisory level. She trained as a therapist in San Francisco, a mecca for awakened sexuality and alternative lifestyles, before moving back to her hometown of Denver and co-founding Mile High Psychotherapy PLLC with her husband. Indigo holds a master’s degree in somatic (body integrated) psychotherapy. She addresses mental health and relational dynamics from the perspective of our embodied selves, utilizing applied neuroscience and mindfulness practices to soften protective defenses and re-inhabit physicality. Utilizing an attachment theory lens, Indigo guides her clients towards reclaiming the space between them as joyful and exciting. She is frequently consulted as a sexuality and open relationship expert in publications such as Women's Health, Mind Body Green, and The New York Times.
Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.
70: DJ Burr [Personal Story] – Recovery Saved My Life
00:37:07
In this episode of the Better Sex Podcast, it is my honor to welcome DJ as he shares his personal journey with you. Having people come in and share the details of their life is one of the best parts of this platform!
DJ is a therapist who works in the Seattle area. He specifically works with patients who are struggling with sexual addiction, codependency, and other process addictions. He is the best-selling author of I Just Wanted Love: Recovery of a Sex and Love Addict, and his story is one of bravery, honesty, and hope.
Listen along and learn more DJ’s story!
Key Moments in DJ’s Life That Led to Realization
As DJ shares early in the interview, it wasn’t until he moved from Georgia to Seattle that he began to realize the extent of his psychological hang-ups. Before, he had moved from place to place in an attempt to run from his problems, but he soon began to grasp his compulsions with more clarity.
While DJ was in Georgia, he experienced relationship problems. As he says during the talk, “when you talk about being gay in the south, you don’t get a lot of support.” And on top of this, same-sex marriage was illegal at the time, so DJ and his partner decided to move to Seattle.
At this point in his life, DJ was exhausted from his caregiving profession. Being a natural caregiver, DJ had always found ways to give more to others than himself. But that certainly sapped a lot of energy from DJ. He needed a break! Soon though, he realized he had been in a dysfunctional relationship with his husband from day one.
Hear this part of DJ story in his own words. Listen along!
Other Problems That DJ Faced at the Time
He says that he struggled with poorly established boundaries in his relationship, as well as codependency that manifested itself in a ‘fix-it’ mentality for DJ. He states that fixing people and things are all he’s always known. And so his relationship made it hard for him to shake that compulsion.
DJ also talks about how difficult it was to have a partner who stored porn on a hard drive and who viewed it regularly, sometimes sitting right next to DJ on the couch. This negatively affected DJ’s self-esteem and desire to be available for sex.
His insecurities got so severe that he says he was drowning his sorrows in alcohol and porn himself. All of this after his partner started regularly meeting up with a porn star for dinner.
DJ discusses more about this time in his life during the interview.
New Relationship, Same Scenario
Shortly after moving to Seattle, DJ tells us that he and his partner split up. This was just 2 weeks after moving, so DJ didn’t have a job and tried his hardest to get enough money to move out of the apartment he shared with his ex.
He got a job and then found himself in a new relationship. But it soon became the same old relationship dynamic he had always known.
After he got married again, that’s when his sex addiction showed up.
DJ’s Sex Addiction
Once he was married again and living in Seattle, he and his partner decided to pursue an open relationship. They both were curious about the dynamic, and from within that framework, they embraced the lifestyle.
DJ said he was immediately hooked. He and his partner had originally pursed outside relationships together, but they soon branched off and did their own thing within the set of rules they had laid out.
But coupled with a drinking problem and an increasingly growing sexual appetite, DJ started to realize that he was in trouble. This realization came from a shocking physical confrontation and his spiral out of control.
DJ’s Recovery Process
Once DJ’s partner agreed to go to treatment for his alcohol addiction, DJ realized his struggles and addictions. He says that when he filled out the assessment for Co-Dependents Anonymous, he checked off every single box on the sheet of paper. He also started attending Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous meetings as well. In a similar manner, he found himself checking off the majority of preliminary assessment questions.
He said it was absolutely heartbreaking to have the truth right in front of him in black and white. It also led DJ to discover an event in his life that had opened up everything to him. His meetings brought the necessary context for him to have the crucial breakthroughs that he needed to have.
For much more on the story, including how spirituality helped him recover, his work with helping people, his amazing marriage and son, and his happy ending, listen along!
Key Links for DJ
DJ’s website: http://www.djburr.com/
DJ’s podcasts: Journey On Podcast || Making an Addict
If you’re enjoying the podcast and want to be a part of making sure it continues in the future, consider being a patron. With a small monthly pledge, you can support the costs of putting this show together. For as little as $2 per month, you can get advance access to each episode. For just a bit more, you will receive an advance copy of a chapter of my new book. And for $10 per month, you get all that plus an invitation to an online Q&A chat with me once a quarter. Learn more at https://www.patreon.com/bettersexpodcast
Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.
#10: Aleece Fosnight - Pregnancy and Sexuality, How to Enhance and What to Avoid
00:30:54
Today's topic is pregnancy and sexuality. It's just not talked about very often, and if you have been pregnant or if you have been a partner with somebody that's pregnant, you may have noticed that the doctors often don't ask or talk about sex.
It's uncommon for medical providers to inquire about any sort of sexual changes that you're having, the state of your relationship with your partner, or how things are going sexually once sex has been used to make the baby.
There's a void of information and void of support for people that are experiencing a pregnancy and wondering what in the world's going on with their sex life.
Not that everybody has problems. Some people coast through pregnancy with ease. But physical, emotional, and psychological changes happen, and there are some themes to the challenges that people face.
My guest today, Aleece Fosnight, is a sexual medicine, urology and women's health physician assistant in western North Carolina. She is nationally certified by AASECT, the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists as a sexuality counselor and educator, and her specialty includes treating all manner of sexual dysfunctions and concerns, providing sexual health, education information and personalized counseling to patients of all ages.
She works a lot in the urology clinic but also in an Ob-Gyn facility, so I'm delighted that she's here to talk to us today about pregnancy, sexuality, the medical and physical changes that people go through, understanding what they're facing, and some do's and don'ts about sex when you're pregnant. We also discuss how people can enhance their sexuality during pregnancy.
We cover some of the more common changes and challenges, but we also touch on some surprising outcomes, such as how couples trying to have a baby can find themselves experiencing more distance. How does this happen? The sex can become goal-oriented, toward making a baby and not toward experiencing pleasure or building closeness.
As with many sexual challenges within a relationship, communication can be key to managing tough times.
If you’re enjoying the podcast and want to be a part of making sure it continues in the future, consider being a patron. With a small monthly pledge, you can support the costs of putting this show together. For as little as $2 per month, you can get advance access to each episode. For just a bit more, you will receive an advance copy of a chapter of my new book. And for $10 per month, you get all that plus an invitation to an online Q&A chat with me once a quarter. Learn more at https://www.patreon.com/bettersexpodcast
Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.
Rachel Duffy brings in actionable tips to navigate parenting that not only enriches your relationship with your children, but also unlock some of the barriers to your sex life. We discuss parenting issues, how to correct behavior, and navigate the differences in parenting approaches with your partner.
Finding a passion for caring for family and children’s wellbeing in all her professions and personal life, Rachel explored conscious parenting to help people navigate parenting and life with children in general.
When You Disagree with Your Partner’s Parenting in the Moment
Rachel urges people to recognize their children’s ability to grow up with different parenting styles from each parent. To avoid a conflict in front of children, Rachel points out maintaining communication with trust and the assumption that your spouse ultimately wants the best for your children. It sets children up with a realistic image of marriage and empowers them with choices of their approach to parenting when they’re older. Giving children the space to express their feelings about one’s parenting is crucial.
Examining Upbringing and Repeated Patterns
Rachel believes from personal experience that people tend to repeat patterns of parenting like their parents even if it goes unnoticed sometimes. To avoid repeating those patterns, parents must work on understanding how their upbringing is projecting in their parenting, and reevaluate.
Navigating Differences in Parenting Approaches
Rachel stresses the unreliability of “quick fixes” and advises parents to dig deeper into the root cause of their children’s behaviors, and why it bothers them. Creating a rapport with your children to communicate and address what’s going on behind those behaviors or examining what’s going on with their relationship with the parent could help. Sometimes it’s parents’ triggers to children’s behavior that needs addressing.
How to Support Your Partner with Their Triggers?
Moving forward with compassion and an understanding that your partner is doing their best with the tools they have is necessary to implement an actionable plan that addresses the issue at hand.
Actionable Tips to Navigate Conflict in Front of Children
The best way to navigate differences in front of children is to make a plan in advance such as coming up with a signal to let the partner know when it’s time for them to break away. Rachel also suggests parents either work with a therapist for deeper issues or with a parenting coach to speed up the progress while children are still at home.
Why is it Worth Doing?
Rachel says that working on parenting not only deepens one’s connection with the children and themselves, but also deepens the relationship between the parents.
Biography
Rachel Duffy is a Certified Conscious Parenting Coach. She helps high achieving parents get off the “Roller Coaster Track” of parenting by learning how to set boundaries with their kids without yelling, feeling guilty or getting their buttons pushed so that they can foster a deep connection and enjoy the time they have with their families
Through her unique methodology, she helps parents become Parenting Architects: gain patience, understanding, authentic connection with their children, become powerfully grounded and finally, see the success they have in their professional setting also within their home.
Unlike traditional parenting models that rely on quick fixes to put out fires, Rachel helps you create life-lasting change, without using discipline or fear, by facing uncomfortable truths, risk-taking and not settling for mediocrity.
With decades of combined experience as a family lawyer and businesswoman, Rachel brings a unique combination of both strategic and tactical tools alongside growth and self-development, all delivered with compassion. Today, she works with parents and leaders to help them find freedom, joy and direction in their parenting and leadership positions.
Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.
Starting with a discussion of his book, She Comes First, Ian Kerner’s coined word ‘cliteracy’ is given more thought and emphasis. Overall, the term encapsulates the aim of his bestselling book. He relays to listeners his previously one-sided mentalities towards sex, his struggles, and his overall motivations for becoming "cliterate" (clitoral literacy). By moving past an intercourse-dominated understanding of what sex had been, and shifting towards an outercourse understanding of what sex could be, his life changed for the better. For more on the backstory and motivations for She Comes First, and his whole shift in perspective, check the episode out.
Less Performance Anxiety With Cunnilingus?
Yes and no, Ian Kerner states. Certainly, if one shifts towards more foreplay, closeness, and outercourse over sticking to a strictly penetrative practice, the slow-burning build-up can be a much more relaxed experience for all who are involved. And according to Kerner, it is much rarer for a man to be anxious about performing oral sex on a partner over traditional vaginal intercourse (where maintaining an erection or premature ejaculation can often crop up). Instead, females are usually much more anxious to receive cunnilingus because of issues of genital self-esteem and other factors. For more on this, Ian Kerner really brings up some cogent points on the subject.
Genital Self-Esteem
This concept is a very important one to consider when the topic at hand is cliteracy. Especially for someone who has harsh, unrealistic, or unhealthy self-perceptions about the appearance or size of their genitals, and so on. And the number one way to remedy an anxious partner is to express how much you enjoy giving them pleasure--expressing one’s during the performative aspect of cunnilingus is key. This reinforces a system of positive feedback which in turn makes the act more enjoyable for all involved.
Sex in Multiple Acts
Ian likes to remind his clients that sex shouldn’t be done on just a penetrative basis. He likens those kinds of sexual practices as a play with only one act. So, instead of going straight for the climax without actually having built up properly for it, he encourages starting slow. Only when you introduce important elements can you move onto the next act. If you want really good, healthy sex, one should logically start with the first act: this could consist of seduction or playful touching. Act 2 is genital stimulation. And act 3 can logically progress from there with more foreplay. Or maybe an intermission between acts 3 and 4, and then the play resumes. Also, who says an orgasm has to be the end result? Some of the most satisfying sexual experiences (plays) don’t always end with a climax. For much more, check it out!
Changes to She Comes First?
Because Ian wrote She Comes First over a decade ago, some of focuses and implementations are perhaps a little lopsided for his taste now. Technique gets the majority of page space throughout the book, and he ponders aloud if perhaps he should have focused more on the communication aspects of sex over achieving a ‘flow’ state during the act itself. Both are important of course! But overall, Ian is proud of the book, as he should be. And for those who haven’t picked up a copy, you really should. You should also really check the episode out!
Background
Ian Kerner is the bestselling author of, She Comes First, and its companion piece, Passionista: The Empowered Woman's Guide to Pleasuring a Man. In addition to garnering acclaim with the aforementioned books, he has successfully launched and maintained a career as a licensed psychotherapist, a sexuality counselor with a focus in sex therapy and couples therapy; he is also considered a prominent authority on sexuality throughout the industry.
Just a few of the notable programs and organizations that he is a part of include the following: He is a Clinical Fellow of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists (AAMFT); Also, Ian is certified by the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists and currently sits on AASECT's Board of Directors. And for a more in-depth list of his affiliations and efforts, visit his website here: https://www.iankerner.com/
In addition, Ian is also a very accomplished public speaker and lecturer and has spoken at dozens of events on topics ranging from psychotherapy to sex tips and beyond. He has been a guest on the Dr. Oz Show, he writes for CNN Health, and is a frequent speaker at many academic institutions and symposiums. All in all, Ian is one of the most successful writers on sexuality of all time, and we have been extremely fortunate to have him on the show!
Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.
On this episode, we hear from birth control expert, Emily Aytes. She uncovers some of the most common questions she receives. Interestingly, Emily shares that both young and older people ask her about birth control as it isn’t widely discussed from her experience. Her personal opinion is that having a birth control conversation with your partner early on allows you to enjoy sex and delve into other parts of your relationship.
Long acting reversible contraception
If you have ever wondered what a LARC is, Emily explains the acronym to us : LONG ACTING REVERSIBLE CONTRACEPTIVE. This includes IUDs which can last between 3-12 years. Emily shares the side effects of the IUD and unpacks NEXPLANON, the copper and plastic iud. Benefits of this include not having to remember anything as these methods provide protection without any further human intervention once they are implanted. If you change your mind and decide to remove the device, rest assured that it’s relatively easy to continue where you left off.
The shot is another commonly taken contraceptive in this category and contains Progesterone. Again, Emily discusses the side effects and notes that this method too is pretty effective.
Other Birth Control Methods
The pill has proven to be a highly effective method from Emily’s findings, however she notes the side effects and the fact that human intervention is required everyday, opening up a window for error and loss of effectiveness.
Touching on condom use, Emily explains how human error can result in a lack of effectiveness while doubling up on methods eg IUD plus a condom, can increase effectiveness. On the positive side, condoms are accessible without prescription and offer a wide range to suit your personal preference.
Planned Parenthood website is recommended if you are interested in a more natural method that does not require any external intervention.
Common Questions
One of the most common questions Emily gets asked is around how pregnancy occurs. For this reason, she explains the biological process for us in an easy to understand way.
We learn more about emergency contraceptive including the morning after pill : Plan B ( no script required) and Ella ( which requires a script) and the Copper T which is extremely effective.
Another common question Emily gets is whether you can get pregnant during your period. While it is possible, she explains it is not likely. For a more behavioural method of contraceptive, Emily discusses withdrawal which is only 78% effective.
Background
Emily Aytes (she/they pronouns) is a community outreach educator with Planned Parenthood in Indiana state. As an educator, her role includes offering comprehensive, inclusive, and medically accurate sexual health information to her local community and beyond.
The majority of her work in the community is with young people in middle and high school classrooms teaching about relationships, consent, birth control methods, STIs, gender, and communication skills.
Emily is passionate about all folks having access to sexual health information so that they can make their own informed decisions. She also enjoys teaching about racial and social justice, LGBTQ+ identities, and sexual pleasure
Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.
190: Hormones are Your Superpower – Dr. Stephanie Estima
00:40:11
Dr. Stephanie Estima, author of the book The Betty Body: A Geeky Goddess’ Guide to Intuitive Eating, Balanced Hormones, and Transformative Sex, joins us to talk all about how women can take control and embrace their bodies. She talks about chronic stress, menstrual cycle, sleep, hormonal imbalance, nutrition, and how we can love ourselves by understanding them.
“Women need to have twice as much sex than men” – Dr. Estima
Women have 52% less serotonin synthesis than men which causes women to require twice as much reinforcement. This reinforcement could be sex or otherwise to fill that gap.
The Betty Body
Dr. Estima’s The Betty Body promises to help women get their own “Betty body”. Its philosophy is rooted in being size agnostic and embracing the body that you already have. The book helps driven people with a vagina embrace their gender agnostic feminine energy as much as their masculine energy by slowing down and getting attuned to their bodies.
What the book teaches people with a vagina
The book talks about the effects of chronic stress on physiology. Chronic stress is of two types: Eustress and Distress. While eustress gives out ‘good stressors’ to motivate you, distress negatively impacts you to de-energize. Dr. Estima talks about these stressors and their effect on your menstrual cycle and your ability to embrace your body in the book. Dr. Estima believes women must understand their menstrual cycle and how to use their hormonal flow to their advantage.
Hormonal imbalance and sleep deprivation
Dr. Estima explains the impact of hormonal imbalance and the various hormonal compositions that occur while moving from perimenopause to menopause. She stresses the importance of mastering the natural bases like generalized movement, stress reduction, and nutrition before considering other options like hormone replacement therapy.
She talks about the impact of sleep, regular sex, and orgasm on the vitals (heart rate, blood pressure, respiratory rate, oxygen saturation, and menstrual cycle) and the activation of pleasure centers in the brain. To solve sleep deprivation, Dr. Estima suggests avoiding bright lights in the evening and keeping caffeine intake to 12 hours before sleeping.
Advice for women struggling with orgasm
Dr. Estima advises women who’ve never had an orgasm to take it slow and spend an hour every day exploring their bodies to figure out what they like. Self-pleasure could be the first step towards discovering more about your pleasure points. She emphasizes the freedom in play and the lack of pressure. She suggests resistant training and protein intake improves the synthesis of testosterone for people experiencing anorgasmia.
She leaves us with hope for every betty to look inside themselves for their worth rather than external validation.
Biography:
Dr. Stephanie Estima is a doctor of chiropractic with a special interest in metabolism, body composition, functional neurology, and female physiology.
She’s been featured on Thrive Global, of the Huffington Post, has over 3.5 million article reads on Medium.com, and has helped thousands of women lose weight, regulate hormones, and get off medications with her signature program, The Estima Diet. You can hear her every week on her podcast, Better! With Dr. Stephanie.
Resources and links:
Website: bettybodybook.com Get your free gifts and guides!
Book: Find The Betty Body: A Geeky Goddess’ Guide to Intuitive Eating, Balanced Hormones, and Transformative Sex in all online stores
Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.
Christina Antonyan joins me to offer her perspective on erotic touch and its significance in a relationship. We talk about the primal character of attuned touch and how to access it to enhance your sex life without any pressure of reaching a goal.
What got Christina interested in Erotic Touch?
In a one-week seminar on Tantric and Taoist teachings, Christina connected with the world of erotic touch. The seminar involved the activity of women giving pleasure to men and then switching the next day by receiving. It eliminated the pressure to give back at the moment and lead to open up her sense of pleasure. She points out the importance of touch by hands and fingertips as the most sensitive areas of the body. “Often the hands will solve a mystery that the intellect has struggled with,” Christina says quoting Carl Jung. Erotic touch enables the energy to flow through the body and reach the genitals while opening up our senses.
This process of Erotic touch emphasizes the concept of receiving and relaxing into pleasure without an obligation to give back immediately. Christina suggests erotic touch as a way to reconnect with your partner during disagreements and when you don’t feel like having sex.
Why is touch so important to us as humans and its significance in a relationship?
Touch is the first form of communication that we experience as babies. It’s how we connect with people, objects, and textures around us. Parents express their love, care, and nurturing through gentle touch, and we lock our memories of that moment in touch because that’s how we received it. And when we lack that touch, we feel disconnected and our energy blocked. Christina gives an instance where she gets a massage to open up her senses and unblock her energy.
What are some common mistakes people make when touching?
Christina points out not being aware as the most common mistakes people make while touching. This constitutes not being present in the moment, making mindless and mechanical movements, and disconnecting with your partner’s body. Christina compares a bad touch with a bad massage that feels unintentional and alien. A partner can sense when you’re occupied by your thoughts during touching or having sex.
How Do You Define What Makes Touch Erotic?
While slow and sensual is one form of erotic touch, many other forms like caressing, stroking, tickling, squeezing, tapping, soft touch, and frim touch come under the erotic touch. Christina says that erotic touch is defined by its intent and awareness rather than the part of the body it’s performed on. Moving further she points out how we as unique individuals experience differently than one another. Most of the time, for instance, during a massage our genitals are skipped. According to Christina, for most women, a lot of sexual energy is held in our thighs and buttocks and when we experience erotic touch in these areas, our energy flows through the body.
Christina talks about “Lingam massage” (penis massage) where men are blindfolded to avoid the person giving the massage becoming their main source of pleasure. The goal is for them to go in their body and experience sensation and pleasure like never before and it applies to women as well. It’s about experiencing non-visual pleasure.
Ways That People Can Practice This Touch With Their Partners
To practice erotic touch with your partners, Christina offers a three-part video series of breast massage, yoni massage, and penis massage. It reaches various hand movements to give different types of touch and experiencing sensations that go along with it ranging from high to low arousal. Christina advises following your intuition and getting creative once you become comfortable with the movements. It can be done by being present and attuned with your partner’s body and observing their reactions to your touch.
Is there any verbal communication that accompanies Erotic Touch?
When it comes to communication during the touch, people have different preferences. While some may like instruction, others might prefer an ongoing dialogue or some may just prefer no talking. She talks about clear communication and saying it right away when something doesn’t feel good. But she also warns us about over-communication and how that would interrupt the flow and make the experience feel “too mechanical”. To make the partner and yourself feel at ease, she suggests several oils that could be used and setting the space with candles and scents and being mindful of the temperature.
Benefits of Erotic Touch and the Difference it Makes in a Couple’s Sex-life.
Erotic touch teaches you how to relax into pleasure and open up to various sensations happening in your body and around you. You connect with your body and your partner’s body on a deeper level where you’re in tune with their desires and your own. People use that sexual arousal to circulate the sexual energy through their bodies. There’s no pressure or an obligation to reach the goal of orgasm and Christina explains it through men’s “in-ejaculation process”. It’s the process to teach men to separate orgasm and ejaculation through erotic touch. It helps you release all the pent-up energy and trauma and sometimes turns into an emotional release, says Christina.
Biography
Curiosity is Christina’s driving force, being born during the Soviet Era in a conservative household gave her an insatiable appetite to be curious about the world. She’s multi-passionate, and one of her favorite passions is sexuality. She has a burning desire to change how we talk about sex since culture, media, religion, environment, and tech shape our sexual beliefs and behaviors
Christina specialized in figuring out how Ancient sexual teachings, Tech and Science applies to the human of today, who has endless stimulation options. She’s traveled to over 60 countries, speaking, giving workshops, and learning from her masters. She’s been studying sexuality for more than 14 years. She’s on a mission to bring sexuality out of the Dark Ages where our sexuality becomes the source of our peace and happiness instead of the source of our shame, guilt, trauma, pain, and anxiety.
Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.
#17: Jennifer Valli - Men's Sexual Concerns and Solutions
00:50:24
Men's sexual health concerns often stem from the pressure of expectations
In today’s episode, Jessa and Jennifer Valli talk about men’s sexual health concerns and dysfunctions ( men being defined as people who have been raised male and who have a penis) and approaches to make sex easier and stress-free.
Reasons Men go to Sex Therapy
Jennifer discusses the most common reasons that men go to sex therapy and the compounding pressure they face from society to behave in a predefined manner. She highlights the underlying social habits men are raised to practice and the effect it has on intimacy.
The question of penis size is raised and some shocking statistics revealed from Google searches.
Expectations
Jennifer covers initiation of sex and the role men are expected to play there as well as the desired sexual response that is burdened on them. She shares her thoughts on how this came to be, by looking at partners past experiences and the historical decline of testosterone.
Tips for men
Jennifer covers specific tips about premature ejaculation and recommends a great book called ‘Coping with Premature Ejaculation’ by Michael Metz and Barry McCarthy coupled with an SSRI.
Tune in as she shares her Sex Club Rules, adapted from the movie, Fight Club:
Rule #1
Don’t panic.
Rule #2
Don’t panic.
Rule #3
Men may need both fiction and friction to get erect (touch and fantasy).
Rule #4
Engage with a semi-rigid or moderately rigid penis–don’t wait to be 100% rigid.
Rule #5
Men don’t need an erection to experience an orgasm.
Rule #6
Expect waxing and waning erections. This is more common for older men or men with dysfunction.
Rule #7
Men can still experience orgasm even if they don’t ejaculate from the penis (prostate surgeries or TURP surgeries, for example, can cause retrograde ejaculation where the ejaculate goes back up into the bladder but the man can still feel the orgasm).
Rule #8
Don’t apologize and turn it into a humiliating catastrophe. Instead, proceed to Rule #9.
Rule #9
Make eye contact with your partner and transition to being sexual a different way (which Jennifer shares suggestions on)
Performance anxiety
Jennifer tells us about an interesting experiment around this topic and comes to the conclusion that lack of erotic focus causes performance anxiety. She explains how the brain works leading up to and during an orgasm.
The topic of learning how to receive comes up and Jennifer shares how men can learn to do this without it feeling unnatural.
Jennifer covers loss of an erection, the role of the mind, the partner and ways to tune in and engage as a couple with perspective on the matter. Delayed ejaculation is covered and Jennifer shares what to do with this, so you will be in safe hands!
I ask if erectile dysfunction is physical or mental and Jennifer shares her thoughts on this with another interesting experiment you probably didn’t know about. Listen in to find out if they are linked or not and why.
Where to from here?
For men who have stayed away from sexual encounters and want to try and experience this again, she discusses how men can start having sex by “scaffolding in physical intimacy”. Listen in as she takes us on a step by step guide to slowly build up to a comfortable place with your partner.
About Jennifer
Jennifer Valli is a seasoned therapist and draws on 25 years of post-master’s clinical experience in psychiatry. She is a licensed psychotherapist in Tennessee and Certified Sex Therapist through AASECT, the American Association of Sexual Educators, Counselors and Therapists.
Valli completed some of this training in the area of fetishes and paraphilias with faculty through John’s Hopkins. She received a postgraduate degree in Sexual Health at the University of Michigan, both as a Sex Therapist and Sex Educator.
Valli is an instructor at the University of Tennessee Health Science Center with appointments with Medical Education and OBGYN in the College of Medicine and with Occupational Therapy in the College of Health Professions.
She is on the Board of Advisors at Men’s Fitness Magazine and has been quoted in Contemporary Sexuality, CNN, Men’s Health Magazine and Men’s Fitness Magazine.
In her private practice, Valli focuses on both emotional and physical intimacy.
Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.
My guest, whom I call Toni in this episode, is here to share a personal story of abuse and eventual transformation. Within the interview, she shares a lot of difficult episodes and traumas in her life in a brave and transparent way. You will get a lot out of this episode will learn that despite the hardest upbringing, there can be transformation, growth, and healing along the way. Please listen along and support Toni as she shares her story here.
Connecting the Past to the Present
As Toni states, her “introduction to sex” began in third grade because she was sexually abused by her mother’s boyfriend at the time, but later the man who would become her stepdad. As she got married in her early twenties, she was subjected to a manipulative marriage with a partner who didn’t treat her in a healthy, respectful manner.
It wasn’t until Toni went to see a psychotherapist, and was talking about her current relationship, that her eyes were opened up to how her past traumas with her stepdad had been playing into her adult difficulties with sex.
She very understandably had intimacy problems and was in a bad place emotionally, as she describes it. Sex, to her, was this intimidating, challenging presence that manifested itself negatively in her life.
Losing the Glue of the Family
Toni describes growing up in her family and the dynamics at play within: she says that when her Grandma died at a young age, she left a very large absence. Her grandma was only in her 40s and was the glue of the family. At this point as well, Toni was largely ignored. She also didn’t have siblings either, so it became hard for her to connect with people.
Once the abuse started, things were extremely challenging for Toni. She says that her abuser, her stepdad, was a master manipulator and treated her mother with romantic bait-and-switch types of behavior. And she was angry with her mother all from the time the abuse started until she turned 16. She thought her mother was complicit with his behavior but didn’t stop it.
As she reconnected with friends later in life, well after the fact, they all expressed how they knew something was wrong with the way her stepdad treated her and abused her, but they just didn’t know how to handle it. He was an important man after all. And the small-town politics did not make it easy to handle.
Trust Issues, Boyfriends, and a Serious Altercation
When asked about her past boyfriends, she said she felt like she was supposed to date and have relationships because that was “normal”. But she definitely had trust issues. She said that it took a special person to actually even consider dating when she was a teenager.
Toni shares that she was a tough girl. Not only mentally calloused because of her abuse, but also because she developed early as a girl, so she was subjected to boys groping her at a young age. She learned to defend herself with her fists.
And once she turned 16, she decided she had had enough. He had abused her, physically beat his mother right in front of her, and she eventually pushed him down the stairs and pulled a knife off him, holding it to his throat. Toni says that after doing that, he left her alone.
Her Road to Transformation to the Present
After getting married to her manipulative husband and having a kid with him, she left him and met another man. This would become the moment that Toni started to transform and heal after having suffered so much abuse for so long.
She reconnected with her biological father, and that healed some abandonment trauma she had been carrying her whole life. Additionally, the new man met was a nice man who treated her kid with care. Unfortunately, though, she found out he had a history of drug addiction and would soon resort back to drugs. The relationship soon ended.
Toni would have another relationship with a kind, caring man. She says that sex was not an issue with him. They ended their relationship a couple of years ago after a 13-year run. She says that currently, she doesn’t foresee herself being in another relationship. And when she says that, it comes from a place of power and not resignation. Not at all! Toni has grit and strength and has built up her independence. She is also sexually independent and only open to those who deserve her for the amazing woman she is.
Lastly, she shares her journey and struggles to tap into her more feminine powers and awaken the woman inside of herself. It was a difficult journey, but she is a transformed woman because of it.
If you’re enjoying the podcast and want to be a part of making sure it continues in the future, consider being a patron. With a small monthly pledge, you can support the costs of putting this show together. For as little as $2 per month, you can get advance access to each episode. For just a bit more, you will receive an advance copy of a chapter of my new book. And for $10 per month, you get all that plus an invitation to an online Q&A chat with me once a quarter. Learn more at https://www.patreon.com/bettersexpodcast
Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.
Signs of sexual trauma in children
My guest for this episode is Amy Lang: she has been teaching sex for over 25 years now with an emphasis on teaching kids about sexuality in an effective, healthy way. Amy has a Master’s degree in Applied Behavioral Science. She started her foray into sexual education as a hobby, but she soon made her own company once she realized how uncomfortable she was with talking to her son about sex.
Amy’s company is Birds and Bees and Kids. Currently, she educates parents to properly communicate and teach their own children about sex.
In this episode, we talk about educating children about sex. Specifically, we give a lot of attention to sexual abuse topics, noticing red flags in your child’s sexual development or behavior, and what to do if your child comes forward as a victim (or a perpetrator) of sexual abuse.
These are heavy topics, but they are far too important to ignore.
Normal Sexual Behaviors and When to be Concerned
Amy says that typical sexual behavior includes what she calls ‘penis meetings’ and ‘vulva conventions’–or other types of behaviors that are based on natural anatomical curiosity between other children. This type of experimentation is normal for all kids.
Ages 9-12 is when the experimentation ramps up and can get a little more serious, as porn is typical first viewed within this age range. And then as kids hit the 13-16 age range, Amy says that “all bets are off. They are pretty much doing everything.”
Amy says that a way to assess if your child’s sexual behavior is something to be concerned about is just to listen to what they’re saying. If the language sounds adult-like and too established for their age, that is a red flag. And when it comes to self-stimulation, any age for children is normal to start. But it is a red flag if the child is self-stimulating in public on a consistent basis.
She goes into much more detail and expands upon this topic within the talk, including a few anecdotes that clarify some of these red-flag behaviors.
Our Compulsion to Report Sexual Abuse in Children
As Amy points out, adults have a tendency to report any sexualized behaviors in children as a result of sexual abuse when that’s often not the case. Children commonly experiment and discover their bodies in very demonstrative ways, and this is natural.
So, shaming kids that exhibit these natural behaviors can be very harmful. Yes, in a public setting, there are boundaries that should be upheld. But corrections that are made shouldn’t be done in a way that shames the natural expression of a child’s sexuality. Communicating in a clear, kind, and simple way is the best way.
Of course, though, there are instances where sexual abuse does happen. Some of the red flags for sexual abuse are if the behavior is adult-like, if the behavior is repeated despite multiple corrections, and if the behavior is not between two kids of similar age–say a discrepancy of 3 or more years.
For more on this, including red flags between siblings, listen along.
Advice for Parents if a Child Discloses Abuse
Your natural response would be to react emotionally and get angry if your child came forth and disclosed any sexual abuse that they experienced. Amy advises parents in this situation to stay as calm as possible after your initial reaction. And then ask the important questions in a calm manner: the who, what, when, and where of the abuse. Being gentle is key in this time.
She gives some very valuable tips and advice within this section of the interview that everyone should check out, including information on therapy, what to do after sexual abuse, and the complications and confusions that can occur during an abuse.
Handle Concerns Calmly
There are aberrant sexual behaviors, and there is normal sexual experimentation between children. As a parent, it is important to educate yourself on the difference and to not victimize another child if they exhibit abnormal sexual behaviors. They need help, from a positive place; treating them the same way you would treat an adult who exhibited those behaviors is not constructive, but actually harmful.
Resources for Parents
Amy provides great resources for you if you are currently dealing with a similar situation that was discussed within this episode. One of the organizations is Stopitnow.org for handouts, resources, and information. All of this is on her website. Check below for links!
If you’re enjoying the podcast and want to be a part of making sure it continues in the future, consider being a patron. With a small monthly pledge, you can support the costs of putting this show together. For as little as $2 per month, you can get advance access to each episode. For just a bit more, you will receive an advance copy of a chapter of my new book. And for $10 per month, you get all that plus an invitation to an online Q&A chat with me once a quarter. Learn more at https://www.patreon.com/bettersexpodcast
Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.
117: Medical Approaches to Women’s Sexual Concerns with Dr. Ashley Fuller
00:37:49
After accumulating nine years of experience working as an obstetrician and gynecologist at Swedish OB/GYN Specialists First Hill, Ashley Fuller transformed her practice into gynecology and sexual health. She claims that she was better able to pursue her passion for women’s sexual health by removing the obstetrics branch of her practice. In her practice she offers checkups, gynecological surgery, and regular exams including pap smears and STD screenings. She aims to help women with sexual and gynecological problems evaluate treatment options and make the best choices for their needs and lifestyles.
Gynecologists are often Ill-prepared for Sexual Health Problems
In her previous practice as an OB/GYN, Dr. Fuller would have women present with sexual health problems such as low libido. While managing women’s sexual health is an important part of gynecological practice, the treatment of sexual health issues related to the vulva are not covered with any depth in residencies or medical training programs. Because of this oversight, Ashley says that when women asked her about sexual health problems, she frequently didn’t know how to help them. In an effort to fulfill this need of her patients, Ashley shifted her focus from obstetrics and gynecology to gynecology and sexual health.
Evaluating Low Libido in Premenopausal Women
While menopause does affect libido, when a premenopausal woman presents with low libido, Dr Fuller begins by having her patient fill out the Decreased Sexual Desire Screener (DSDS), a worksheet that asks about SSRI use, possible relationship problems, painful sex, stress and fatigue, and several other common causes of sexual dysfunction in women. Ashley points out that not all of the possible causes are physical, and in those cases, she often refers patients to a therapist or sex therapist. Some causes of sexual dysfunction are physical, and in those cases, medication, hormone treatments, or other tangible interventions may be needed. The great news is Ashley tells us about libido treatment for pre- and post-menopausal women! Tune in for the details!
How Giving Birth Impacts Libido
Dr. Fuller lists several bodily and environmental changes involved with giving birth that negatively influence libido. As physical causes go, Ashley explains that breastfeeding women often have a very dry vagina, which can cause unpleasant or painful sex, and being postpartum entails hormonal changes that can lower libido. Psychosocial factors change the relationship between partners, as newborns often require nighttime care and fail to sleep through the night, leading to parental fatigue and increased stress.
Mental Health Influences Libido
Ashley mentions that depression and the SSRIs that treat it can both reduce libido. She looks for chronic opioid use and addiction issues, obesity, poor body image, and even poor heart health, all of which can contribute to low libido and need to be treated before hormone therapy should be attempted.
Painful Sex
We learn that tight muscles in the pelvic floor can cause pain upon deeper penetration. When the muscular source of pain is found, physical therapy is often helpful. Ashley also suggests the Ohnut to allow for shallower penetration, and she says that women with this problem can improve with physical therapy.
Psychological Treatment
Dr. Fuller finds that many of her patients have psychological issues that influence their pain levels. Ashley emphasizes that she isn’t saying their pain is imaginary, but she believes pain influences our psychology. “When you know something is going to hurt, she says it’s natural to tense up, but tensing up also activates the pelvic muscles, causing pain during intercourse.” The secret is to relax!
Vulvar Pain Causes and Treatment
Ashley treats a lot of patients with vulvodynia. She says it often stems from hormone changes, especially hormone changes that appear around menopause. Birth control pills can also lead to very low testosterone levels and cause vulvar pain while some vulvar pain stems from an immune cascade where an overactive immune system attacks the vulva, causing inflammation. She warns that it can be a long path to significant relief, but she enjoys the process of treatment and is grateful for the opportunity to change her patients’ lives for the better.
Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.
115: Creating Relationship Satisfaction – Dr. Sara Nasserzadeh
00:46:47
Dr. Sara Nasserzadeh is a global thought leader in psychosexual therapy, couple counseling, and social psychology. A former member of the International Federation of Journalists, Dr. Sara combined her journalism experience with her expertise in sexuality and relationships, to host a program called Whispers for the BBC World Service. The show received the BBC’s Innovation of the Year Award in 2007 and continues to gather Farsi-speaking viewers around the world. In 2007, she earned the World Association for Sexual Health runner-up award for Excellence and Innovation for her human development work. Harper’s Bazaar named her as one of the Best Love Doctors, and DatingAdvice.com named her one of the 10 Best Sex and Dating Experts in 2015.
She is the author of three books in English: Orgasm Answer Guide, Sexual Health Needs and Preferences of Young People, and Wheel of Context for Sexuality Education. Recently, she developed the Emergent Love model as an antidote to Love Confusion and the design of a validated inventory called the Relationship Panoramic Inventory to help couples assess and develop their relationships. Her personal and professional life is defined by her goal of creating world peace one relationship at a time.
Types of Love
Dr. Sara explains that there are several types of love. Eros is the passionate, romantic love we usually think about. Philia is the affectionate love we feel for family members. Storge is friendship love, Ludus is game-playing love, Mania is possessive love, Pragma is practical love, Philautia is self-love, and Agape is selfless love. She suggests listeners take the Love Attitudes Scale test to find out what types of love show up in their relationships. In her practice, she found that a lot of couples who scored highly in the Philia aspect of their relationship came to her with the statement, “I love my partner, but I’m not in love with my partner.” Dr. Sara believes that it’s useful to be aware of these different types of love, as it can clarify the fact that people truly do love their partners, even if their current love feels different than it did initially.
Dr. Sara’s contribution to the realm of love and sex is making the distinction between submergent and emergent love in relationships. Submergent love happens when two people need to spend a lot of time together and are over the moon when they’re with each other, she tells us, and emergent love is the developed, calmer love that comes after partners know each other better.
What if You Don’t Feel Butterflies when They Walk in the Room?
Dr. Sara explains that Helen Fisher researched this infatuated, honeymoon period of love and found out that it lasts, on average, two years. According to Dr. Sara, this early, submergent stage is something to build up the relationship from, not an experience meant to be sustained indefinitely. She also mentions that submergent love isn’t necessary to create a fulfilling romantic relationship, and people shouldn’t feel bad for not feeling that way about their partner. Many people she consults worry because they don’t feel butterflies or intense passion, and it makes them wonder if they’re supposed to feel their love in their heart and ‘just know’ if a person is right for them. Dr. Sara shares her distinction between submergent and emergent love helps people better understand these foundations of love “it is something you do, not something that happens to you that you have no control over.”
Five Ingredients of Emergent Love
Dr. Sara spent time studying 312 relationships to discern what qualities were important to couples who were not only happy but thriving in their current relationships. The five ingredients that they shared are a shared vision, compassion/empathy, physical attraction, respect, and shared values. This research is where she says she learned that romantic, passionate, submergent love was not necessary, and that even couples who began with that kind of love moved beyond it and developed a different kind of love that John Gottman calls compassionate love.
Individual Traits Conducive to Emergent Love
In an attempt to generalize and solidify her findings, she created a study that surveyed 306 US individuals and 159 US couples who rated their relationships from satisfied to thriving. She reports that they had people of many orientations and relationship types, and they controlled for educational level, economic background, and some other variables. She found four levels of identifiers of satisfying relationships, the first of which was individual fundamentals. She teaches us about this first identifier by comparing love to dancing; we dance with partners, but before we can dance, we have to do things like stretching to avoid getting hurt and make it easier to dance. Individual fundamentals are the ‘stretching’ portion of finding love, which she describes as the ability to connect moral values, have positive thoughts and emotions, be present and mindful, have a healthy financial attitude, and be capable of abstract thinking. While some of her clients insisted that if these were the requirements, they could never develop those healthy traits well enough to sustain a healthy relationship, Dr. Sara considers these findings to be a source of hope, because each trait can be improved and developed with the help of a therapist.
Non-negotiable Traits of Sustainable Relationships
The next level of requirements she found are dyadic fundamentals, Dr. Sara calls them non-negotiable objects that must exist between the two partners. It’s important to note that these fundamentals can be improved. She lists mutual physical attraction, shared vision, shared moral values, and shared financial attitudes as the necessary elements asserting that financial attitude factor was something she investigated more deeply to discover if it was not having money or merely people’s attitudes towards money that had to be compatible, and the research showed that it was the attitudes that actually mattered.
Interpersonal Dynamics
Respect, compassion, love, commitment, and trust are the five aspects of the third dyadic fundamental which she calls interpersonal dynamics. According to Dr. Sara, these are all choices we make on a daily basis. She says we choose to be loving towards others, to be worthy of respect, to be trustworthy, etc., and these choices and actions produce the love, respect, and trust we desire from our partners. She notes that while these are all verbs, and they’re all things we can do, they’re also things that we don’t only do in our relationships, but in the world at large. In other words, they’re also states of being. She clarifies that this is also a hopeful reality because therapists can help people attain those traits as well.
Relationship Outcomes
Dr. Sara describes this aspect of emergent love as indicating good results on the individual level. The results she includes are overall satisfaction, sexual satisfaction, better self-care, better sleep, less anxiety, and less preoccupation with their partners and the relationship in general. When people find these traits growing during a relationship, she says people can be certain they’re on the right path.
Physical Attraction
Dr. Sara believes that physical attraction is largely socially constructed and thinks it’s important to deconstruct where our attraction comes from, who told us to be attracted to certain things, and how you’re approaching attraction. After you do this, she believes that we can be freed from these preconceptions and be attracted to more traits and types of people. She also emphasizes that it’s important to find yourself attractive so that you don’t project the feeling of being unattractive onto your partner. Once you deconstruct and move past your barriers to physical attraction, she says that once you have physical attraction, you also need sexual chemistry and the ability to move that towards sexual harmony, where you actually work well together physically.
How Can People Integrate Dr. Sara’s Knowledge into Their Lives?
Dr. Sara suggests starting with the survey she created called the Relationship Panoramic Questionnaire or the love attitudes scale and taking the results of the surveys to a therapist who will know how to interpret it and help them implement the necessary changes. She also recommends watching The Anatomy of Trust by Brené Brown with your partner, so that you can better understand and build trust in your relationship.
Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.
Today’s conversation surrounds sexual shame and negativity and how that leads to a loss of desire and pleasure in sex. Tilly Storm, a sexual coach, helps such women whose desire has been lost due to the burden of shame and negativity around pleasure. She is here today to share her knowledge on how to reclaim your sexuality, get familiar with your own body, and experience pleasure like never before.
How did you get started?
Tilly grew up in the suburbs of Louisiana in a conservative, religious environment with shame around her body and sexuality was hanging over her. It lasted until she gave birth at the age of 23 when she realized everything she was taught about her body, sex and pleasure was utter nonsense. She then set out to help other women rediscover their sexuality that was lost after giving birth. Some courses she offers are sexual relationship coaching, ancient tantric wisdom, and Taoist practices. Tilly started her journey as a sex coach by first working on reclaiming her sexuality and body and by losing the shame and guilt she was taught.
Where does sex-negativity stem from?
Sex negativity can show up in both men and women. Tilly says a lot of her clients relate to her story of developing shame around sexuality while growing up in a conservative and religious environment. She says being ridden with guilt and shame registers as trauma to which people give out a hypo-response or a hyper-response. While women respond by shutting down and losing the desire to have sex, men respond by developing an addiction to sex and porn.
Tilly says sex-negativity can also stem out of the fear of STDs, STIs, and unwanted pregnancy. Our culture also conditions us to feel shameful and guilty of becoming pregnant young or contracting an STD or even for harboring controversial desires and eroticism. What people find desirable and erotic are so limited normalized that everything that sounds too foreign than usual is associated with shame.
What opened up your beliefs?
Tilly’s time of giving birth brought her closer to understanding her body’s potential and capability. She said it started with realizing that there was nothing inherently wrong with her body. After going through a stage of body image distortion, she found the right mind to look at her herself. Jade egg practice helped lift her shame and guilt around sexuality and pleasure. It’s a practice where you take an egg-shaped stone made out of jade and use it internally to do squeezes, releases, and breath work practices. Tilly says, “It’s yoga for your vagina”. It helps you to connect with your body and what’s down there.
Is there a timeline to be rid of sexual shame?
She points out that it takes time to get rid of all that shame and to “undo the narratives you were taught”. It also takes time to process that and get it out of your body. Sexual problems cannot be fixed just through talking because, as Tilly says, sexual problems don’t just stem from thinking. They’re deeply rooted and if you want to do things differently, along with insight you have to experience things differently by working on your body.
How to get out of your head & away from sex-negative thoughts?
Tilly starts by helping her clients with transformational breath work, where she uses the gentle trauma release method to release tension and trauma from their bodies. She guides them to feel unstuck and to open up. The next step is to “rewrite your sexual narrative”. She makes her clients write down scenarios of what would happen if they grew up in a sex-positive environment. They write it down, record it and listen to it for 10 days straight. While she acknowledges it’s a challenging process, she offers a solution to entangle it piece by piece.
She talks about inner child dynamics where it’s vital to work on trauma encountered by your inner child. She warns that the inner child when left unaddressed surfaces as a triggered response to your partner in your relationship. She also shares about mother-father dynamics and presses the importance of questioning how their beliefs you adopted are affecting your sexuality.
How to expand your pleasure?
The first step to expand your pleasure is to get out of your head and Tilly suggests Jade egg practice to slow down your thoughts and connect with your pleasure points. She says there are more pleasure points in your pelvic floor than what we know, and we can explore them by taking our time every day by touching ourselves, through Jade egg, breath work, and self-guided self-pleasure practices. That’s how you get in the habit of making the transition and being connected with your body.
What’s an indication that you reached your goals?
Tilly’s clients reach their vaginal goals in 6 or under 6 months. They start out having little breakthroughs in week 6 or 7. They reach a place of empowerment by letting go of shame and guilt around weeks 8 to 10. Tilly points out that there’s always a new level of pleasure to be achieved and we truly don’t realize the pleasure capacity of our bodies. She also offers communication and connection practices for couples and partners to rebuild their intimacy.
Biography:
Tilly Storm is a holistic sex, love & relationship coach for women who want to reconnect with their bodies to feel desire and pleasure. She is also the producer of The Multiorgasmic Mama Podcast.
She is a certified coach, Tantra, jade egg, and sexuality teacher, who uses deep transformational tools and techniques based in modern coaching modalities, and ancient tantric wisdom and Taoist practices to help women reconnect with their sensuality after becoming mothers, rebuild their intimacy with their partners and achieve ultimate pleasure!
Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.
On this episode, we hear about Leanne Kabat’s personal journey. Faced with an illness and a young family, she found clarity and direction on how to choose to get out of chaos or conflict. She discusses what she calls the five seasons, what they mean and how to get to the “Summer” that we all love and need.
Dealing with Issues
She shares Spring cleaning methods that different people prefer in order to resolve difficult situations. Glossing things over is not an option, as the reference of Spring cleaning implies. She emphasizes getting dirty, uncovering painful or hidden issues in your relationship and dealing with it.
Her Book
Leanne talks about her book and how she initially thought it was going to be about the other person in her relationships but finding that its actually about yourself. She also shares her discovery about multiple layers to intimacy as opposed to a blanket idea. It also covers levels of awareness in your relationship. Her book delves into unpacking all your issues and difficult moments to connect and instead of holding hurt, growing your relationship from it.
Categories of Intimacy
Leanne discusses these 7 categories in more detail in her book. The point of these categories is for people to try and connect on as many levels as possible.
– Emotional
– Spiritual- which can be anything you connect with on a deeper level eg religion, nature, etc.
– Physical- is separated from sexual as Leanne highlights that it can be used outside of foreplay and not requiring a sexual act back. It can be used to communicate love and affection apart from sex
– Intellectual
– Financial
– Experiential- She explains the experiential category as the many areas you and your partner have common threads that enhance connection.
– Sexual
Background
Leanne Kabat is an international speaker and author of The 5 Seasons of Connection collection. Her books take us right into those crucial minute-by-minute interactions where we either draw closer together or push further apart. When we understand our seasons, we can transform our relationships from conflicted to connected by confidently moving out of the cold, dark, stormy
Winters towards love, happiness, and sunny Summer days. Her first book customizes this system for parents, her second book helps entrepreneurs who battle with doubt, anxiety, mental blocks and imposter syndrome, and her third book is for couples. The 5 Seasons of Connection to Your Love Partner goes into the most profound adult relationship we have, guiding couples out of Winter and towards their deepest love and truest connection.
Leanne developed the 5 Seasons framework as a result of a medical diagnosis in 2006 that gave her five years to live, challenging her to truly live a life she loved. Fourteen years later, she’s happily raising three teens and excited to visit her 50th country when it’s safe to do so.
Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.
123: 5 Core Conversations – Julie and David Bulitt
00:52:25
The Genesis of Five Core Conversations for Couples
Julie explains that she met David as an 18-year-old at the University of Maryland, which led to a 33-year marriage. She and David celebrate the fact that their differing work (David is a divorce lawyer, while Julie works as a couple’s therapist) affords them very different perspectives on dating and relationships. They tell us that their experience of marriage in their personal and professional conversations encouraged them to share their insight in a book they named Five Core Conversations for Couples.
Julie Bulitt is a licensed clinical social worker with a focus on family, couples and individual therapy, ADHD, and executive functioning coaching. She’s been a Clinical Supervisor and Early Childhood Mental Health Consultant for the Montgomery County (Maryland) Mental Health Association, and an Adoption Therapist for the Center for Support and Education in suburban Washington, D.C. Currently, she is the in-house therapist for The Discovery Channel in Silver Spring, Maryland.
David Bulitt is a partner at Joseph, Greenwald & Laake, PA in Washington, D.C. He’s consistently chosen as a top divorce lawyer, was named one of the “Best Lawyers in America” and a “Super Lawyer” in the Washington, D.C. Metro. Due to his personal experiences, David has a strong interest in families with special needs children. He’s written two novels and multiple articles for legal publications.
The Five Cores
David informs us that their book divides the conversations couples need to have in order to build successful relationships into five cores or ‘buckets’. He describes getting to know the other person as the first bucket. The second, third, and fourth are money, kids, and sex, which he says often bring conflict into relationships. Finally, he describes the last bucket as figuring out how to keep the relationship full and growing.
‘Listen to Julie so that You Don’t Need David.’
Julie explains the reason couples seek therapy differs wildly. She says that some people would never go to couple’s therapy, while others go as a last resort to try to avoid divorce, and others seek out couple’s therapy to proactively improve their relationships. She says that people who would never seek out counseling or who try and can’t get it to work for them often wind up in her husband’s office.
In his work, David found four broad reasons that couples get divorced: money, sex, kids, and ‘general malaise not otherwise specified’. He suspects that less than half of the couples who get divorced have tried to improve their relationship with therapy. Despite this, he tells us he encourages couples with history, kids, and other ties between them to try therapy before going through with a divorce.
He also discusses that some couples who have been married for twenty or thirty years have had kids dominate their lives for decades. He describes them spending years rushing around and getting the kids to the places they need to be, without ever taking the time to ‘water the garden’ of their relationship. He explains that many people in this situation look at the other person, and fail to find anything they have in common after their kids leave home. He and Julie emphasize that relationships have to be maintained consistently in order to survive.
Building and Filling Your Relationship
Julie explains that new partners need to evaluate whether they’re suited for each other. She encourages couples to evaluate whether they have the same values, whether they both want kids, whether they think one or both partners working is ideal, and the like. She also tells us that maintaining that initial connection and those conversations with date nights and time spent together is essential.
David interrupts to clarify that their book differs from self-help titles in its personal and detailed nature. For example, he lists chapters about Costco, dirty garages, and roofs that need to be replaced. Julie expounds upon this by informing us that each chapter contains questions that couples can answer together to kick-start conversations.
David illustrates that this section of the book makes you think about the need to make time for each other every day and consider how you argue with each other. The book also discusses the silent treatment.
Core Two: Money
David describes a few different ways money comes up in his practice. One is that some partners were lied to or deceived about the amount of money or assets they have or owe. Another money-related problem that causes anger and resentment is when couples differ about how they believe money should be earned, saved, or spent.
He discusses one couple who were living a nice life with cars, a big house, gym memberships, and the like. He says that everything seemed great for a while until one morning the wife was woken by the sound of scraping metal as her car was being repossessed—he tells us that that’s the first time she learned of their financial situation.
Julie shares that she and David have made some bad financial decisions in their relationship, but they talked about their issues and faced them directly. She says that their marriage was ultimately strengthened by working together, looking at their situation, and making the tough decisions needed to improve their finances.
Money-related Kickstarter Questions
David shares multiple questions that couples are encouraged to discuss with each other: Is it my money or your money? Do we have separate accounts? Do we pay for separate bills, and is that something we’re both comfortable with? Have your spending habits caused any problems between you? Is it okay to continue saving this much when one of you feels like their work isn’t being rewarded?
Core Three: Children
Julie opens up about their experience with secondary infertility. She says they had their first child easily, but couldn’t conceive when they tried for a second child. She describes struggling with that and their decision to adopt two children, only for Julie to conceive again nine years later.
She also tells us that parenting put a lot of strain on their relationship by changing the way they interacted as a unit. She shares that they also struggled with one of their children having severe mental health issues and discusses the strain that put on their union.
David admits that many anecdotes and sections in the parenting section come from their own experience, and may not specifically apply to many of their readers, but he explains that learning from the points of conflict they’ve experienced and encountered can serve as a model to help couples consider how events that happen to a child can impact other children and the relationship between parents.
He also shares a story about his daughter embracing the Christian faith despite their family being Jewish, and describes the degree to which religious differences can pull families apart. He characterizes himself as being shocked by the revelation, while Julie helped them actually look at the situation and find ways to work together to create a happy, coherent family.
David explains further points of conflict he’s seen with his clients, like having different philosophies surrounding setting rules, boundary issues, what their kids should or shouldn’t be exposed to in the media, what health treatments are or aren’t appropriate, and how involved parents should be in their children’s lives.
Julie points out that parenting is always stressful, and there’s no manual to make it easy or ensure great results. She says it’s possible to try everything, do everything right, and still have insurmountable problems.
Core Four: Sex
David tells us that sex can create conflict when people desire sex at different frequencies, when sex is too short or unsatisfying, when pornography negatively impacts a relationship, when one partner wants more excitement or experiments in the bedroom, when couples fail to feel a connection during sex, or when one couple only has sex from a sense of obligation.
He says that infidelity does show up in his office, but he and Julie suggest that it’s often symptomatic of a relationship that’s gone bad, rather than the actual problem that causes divorce.
Julie tells us that there are some people who can happily have a sexless marriage, but she states that for most couples, long periods without sexual activity creates negativity and tension.
On the other hand, Julie discusses the fact that when sexual issues are resolved and couples have a mutually satisfying sex life, the positive energy from that can ripple out and help the rest of the relationship. She says that compromise is inevitable, but ultimately both couples should be satisfied and strengthened by their sex life, whether it’s because of the physical release or the emotional component of sex. She also mentions that one partner doing little things to seduce and entice the other can spice up life for a couple.
Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.
#39: Heather [Personal Story] - Sexual Trauma & Awakening
00:45:18
A personal story of trauma and awakening
Listen to the story of Heather and her traumatic experiences which led to her transformative journey in her own life.
She grew up feeling like an outsider with feelings of inadequacy. Hear Heather describe her struggles that initially presented in her young life and how these difficulties led her into risk-taking situations to fit in.
An Older Boyfriend
Listen as Heather describes her encounter of losing her virginity and the other negative influences affecting her life.
Developing her perspective
Heather reflects on her trauma and how this, along with other negative life experiences affected her life towards the end of her high school years.
18 years old and Raped
Listen as Heather discusses the circumstances of her sexual trauma and how she comes to a realization. Time for an awakening, we learn about her awakening and how she came to an awareness for change.
Guiding Others
Heather talks about her outreach for similar teens who are exposed to risk-taking situations as she herself experienced.
Join in as she emphasizes the importance of turning away from negative experiences and choosing a positive and enriching life.
Meeting with a Counselor
Hear Heather make a surprising realization about her attacker. She was told to keep quiet or he would kill her. But a discovery made with her counselor compelled her to talk with the authorities.
Phases of Healing
Listen to Heather as she describes her phases of healing, including forgiveness. Heather talks about her various recovery regimens and how she searched for a path of physical and emotional healing.
Searching for healing
Yoga for detox and healing. Hear Heather describe how she found Yoga and used it for mental and spiritual healing.
A Second Trauma
Heather searches for recovery and encounters a predator among an assumed safe place in her yoga world. She also shares an encounter with a well-known Guru and how she narrowly avoided a sexual assault with him.
Hawaii – Time for Healing
“Don’t get back on that plane. It’s time to Heal.” She did not get back on the plane to the mainland, Heather talks about how some feeling inside her told her to stay and work on her recovery.
Tune in as Heather describes her perspective on the mind and body connection in order to develop her own healing.
Hearing the Inner Voice
Align with the truth and hear your inner voice. Listen as Heather describes her process to find one’s own path for positive and transformative change for healing.
Moving on – A new relationship?
She meets a man from Germany and sets out on an international journey. Hear Heather reflect on how she comes to the realization that this new man was like the man who raped her.
Healing Journey
Heather continues her journey throughout her 20s and 30s in Germany and Asia. And she continues to seek relationships and finds positive partners to share her life and stories.
Getting the Trauma Out
Give it time, it will get better? Listen as the discussion evolves into the perspective of time in the process of healing. Heather explains the process of trauma on a cellular level and despite her exposure to traditional therapy, she discusses the importance of healing the mind, body, and spirit.
The release of the trauma has many routes. Hear Heather talk about getting the trauma out of her body. “The Energy has to move out.”
Empowering your life
Avoiding facing the fear? Listen to Heather describe the other side of the path of healing to find happiness and positivity.
Background
Heather is a passionate student and mentor of love and life. Through her own personal journey, Heather has developed a firm belief in positive inner-work which can lead to great changes in one’s own life, as well as that of others.
Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.
228: The Orgasm Gap Revisited with Dr. Laurie Mintz
00:29:55
In this episode of Better Sex, hosted by sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman, the topic of discussion is the orgasm gap between heterosexual men and women. Joined by Dr. Laurie Mintz, an expert who wrote 'Becoming Cliterate', they explore the reasons behind this gap, which includes the lack of clitoral stimulation for women and societal misconceptions about female pleasure. Dr. Mintz shares insights from her research and teaching experiences, highlights the improvements since her book's publication in 2017, and discusses ways to enhance sexual pleasure through communication, use of vibrators, and changing cultural narratives around sex. The episode provides valuable information for both women and men to improve their intimate relationships and achieve a more fulfilling sex life.
00:00 Introduction to Better Sex
00:48 Understanding the Orgasm Gap
01:02 Guest Introduction: Laurie Mintz
01:39 Defining the Orgasm Gap
04:59 Cultural Influences on Female Pleasure
05:43 Statistics and Research on Female Orgasm
08:45 Barriers to Female Pleasure
19:09 Strategies to Close the Orgasm Gap
19:40 The Role of Vibrators in Sexual Pleasure
23:10 Empowering Women and Men in Sexual Relationships
Dr. Laurie Mintz is a professor, author, speaker, and therapist. As an Emeritus Professor at the University of Florida, she teaches the Psychology of Human Sexuality to hundreds of undergraduate students each year. She has published over 50 scholarly articles and six chapters in academic books. She is the author of two popular press books, both written with the aim of empowering women sexually and both with published studies demonstrating their effectiveness: Becoming Cliterate: Why Orgasm Equality Matters and How to Get It (HarperOne, 2017) and A Tired Woman's Guide to Passionate Sex: Reclaim Your Desire and Reignite Your Relationship (Adams Media, 2009). With this same goal of providing scientifically-accurate, sex-positive information to enhance female pleasure, Dr. Mintz gives presentations and workshops to professionals and lay audiences, including a TEDx talk with over two million views. For over 30 years, Dr. Mintz has also maintained a private practice, working with individuals and couples on general and sexual issues. Dr. Mintz is a Fellow of the American Psychological Association, indicating that her work has had a positive national influence on the field of psychology. In 2023, she was named one of Forbes “50 over 50” woman innovators.
Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.
Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.
146: What We Can Learn From People With Spinal Cord Injury – Dr. Mitchell Tepper
00:50:18
Sex After Spinal Cord Injury
On this episode, Mitchell joins us to discuss the impact of a spinal injury on sexual function. Having experienced this type of injury personally, he shares his journey to teaching people about sexual health being one of the first people to have a sexual health domain registered in 1996. The website was intended to help people with disabilities with their sexual health but soon became a central source of sexual health information for all kinds of people.
The Importance of Trust
Setting myths aside, Mitchell explains that people with disabilities can experience sexual pleasure, erections, etc but some have difficulty expressing themselves. After research into this, he found that people need a partner they can trust to reach the point of sexual pleasure and comfort.
A critical part of this is relearning the truth about sex, departing from the limiting physical definition to experiencing trust, safety, and connectedness. Mitchell is a testament to breaking physical boundaries with this combination. He has found that even those with disabilities below their injury region have experienced an orgasm with the proper context and approach.
Sexual Self Esteem
In other areas of his research, Mitchell tells us about the effect of how much time has passed post-injury and sexual self-esteem on sexual health. His findings also point to people having higher sexual self-esteem if they were born with their disability as opposed to people who acquired their injury. This is based on the latter group constantly comparing their past sexual performance with their current ability.
These Ideas Apply to Everyone
In his process of helping people, Mitchell explains that he helps his clients understand how their new bodies work, as this is usually overlooked or taken for granted. In addition to this, he encourages people to make use of touch, sound, and sensation to help people reach sexual pleasure.
For people that aren’t struggling with a disability but want to explore a deeper and meaningful sexual experience, Mitchell advocates sensate focus. He further explains that this builds sexual communication and advocates touching for your own sexual satisfaction, allowing your partner to provide feedback. Mitchell also finds that Tantra a meaningful technique to deeper sexual experiences. The technique has three main factors: Stop, focus, and connect, which he digs deeper into.
Achieving Orgasm
Mitchell’s techniques are beneficial to able-bodied and disabled people, revealing that penetration is not at all the only means to orgasm. With dozens of examples of non-penetrative orgasms amongst his findings, he shares real cases with us that shed light on this experience.
Undoing learned habits is just as huge a part of the difficult journey to experiencing sexual liberation. Incorporating play into sex is also a great way to make it less serious.
Background
Dr. Mitchell Tepper, author of Regain That Feeling: Secrets to Sexual Self-Discovery, brings a lifetime of first-hand experience with chronic conditions and disability to his work as a Sexuality Researcher, AASECT Certified Sexuality Educator and Counselor, Coach, and self-proclaimed Prophet of Pleasure. He has a Ph.D. in Human Sexuality Education from the University of Pennsylvania and a Master’s in Public Health from Yale. Dr. Tepper worked on ground-breaking research on orgasm in women with spinal cord injuries with world-renowned orgasm researchers Drs. Beverly Whipple and Barry Komisaruk. Over the last 14 years, Dr. Tepper has turned his attention to helping wounded veterans and their partners navigate intimate relationships. His forthcoming documentary, Love After War, tells the stories of intimate partners who have won the battle for love.
Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.
Living with MS
Six months after her daughter was born, Kimberly stopped nursing, and soon went completely numb on the left side of her body. An MRI uncovered that she had 8 lesions on her brain, which she says led to a quick diagnosis of MS. While her MS has been in remission for 12 years, her prognosis could change at any time.
Despite her remission, Kimberly tells us that situations exist that can still trigger MS symptoms. She informs us that many people with MS have trouble with heat which affects her sight. Difficulty swallowing and walking and feeling a tingling along her body are also common, she explains, especially in the heat. At a psychological level, Kimberly reports that people with MS have to live with a great deal of the unknown, as they can’t guarantee their level of functioning from day to day.
Support for the Newly Diagnosed
Kimberly tells us that many support groups exist for people newly diagnosed with MS, some of which can be found in the Resources section of these show notes. She recalls when she was first diagnosed, she thought MS was a death sentence, which she now knows is incorrect. However, she counters that while MS doesn’t kill, it does hinder functionality, which she found devastating enough to trigger all the classic stages of grief. She attributes her acceptance of MS and her emotional recovery to the love and support of her partner.
Difficulties with Sex in MS
Ms. Castelo points out that many people with MS are depressed, which leads to wide usage of libido-lowering SSRIs. Even without SSRIs to reduce sex drive, Kimberly informs us that 85% of women and 90% of men with MS suffer from sexual dysfunction.
For both genders, Kimberly tells us about spasticity issues, generalized pain, and difficulty moving legs that can impede sexual function. Kimberly says that another common problem is that MS affects the bowels, causing some people to lose bowel control during sex.
She warns that people with MS can fall into having obligatory sex to please their partners, which she describes as incredibly damaging. She believes that sex should prioritize both you and your partner’s satisfaction, never just one person’s.
Kimberly explains that the partners of MS patients can suffer too. Many partners become caregivers, and amongst partners who become caregivers, switching hats to make sex possible can be difficult, especially when their partner needs a lot of care. Kimberly encourages caregiving partners to compartmentalize moments and force themselves to have fun and playful events as well as their required caretaking.
Another problem amongst caregivers that Kimberly sees in her practice is that people operating as caregivers often don’t share their own struggles. In those cases, she reminds caregiver partners that humans enjoy helping each other, and by not sharing their struggles, they are depriving their partners of that joy and intimacy. Helping partners with problems, she asserts, is also empowering to the partner with MS, because they are given the opportunity to be a caregiver as well.
Improving Sex with MS
Kimberly says that for people partnered with someone who has MS, it’s important to allow space for grief before they can begin problem-solving. After the grieving gives way to acceptance, she states that couples may be surprised to discover that sex with MS can create phenomenal sexual connections due to the incentive MS creates to explore new avenues of sexuality. It can even raise the quantity of playful erotic moments in people’s lives.
She describes her concept of daily erotic moments as simmering with her clients. Just like making a soup, she suggests that first, you get things started, then it starts to smell good, then better, and in the end, it’s so amazing that you have to eat the stew. She mentions that having multiple sexually intimate moments throughout the day can produce an identical effect.
Expanding the Meaning of Sex
Kimberly suggests expanding the definition of sex is important. She says it’s not just about genitals touching genitals. She says it’s about flirting, touch, cuddling, holding hands, passionate kisses, and learning to bring those acts to a level that facilitates deep pleasure and connection in both people. She teaches that slowing down sex to accentuate and be more mindful about each action increases the eroticism of life. She insists that sex can’t just be about genital-to-genital contact and orgasms.
Sex Therapists and MS
When you’re figuring out how to plan sex and keep it romantic, when is a good time to have sex to avoid fatigue, and how to get involved in sex in the first place, Kimberly says a sex therapist can help. She also suggests that sex therapists can help MS patients and their partners figure out how to really connect emotionally and share their sexual challenges with each other. She says sex therapists can help couples plan sex around the best times of day to avoid the crushing fatigue of MS. Despite popular conceptions that sex should be spontaneous, Kimberly says people with MS in particular need to schedule sex sessions.
She also warns that it can be difficult to cope with partners about the changing, day-to-day pains that people can feel with MS, but therapists can encourage communication, creativity, and being mindful and appreciative of sexual actions that don’t involve intercourse.
Background:
Kimberly Castelo is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, a Certificated AASECT Sex Therapist, and a Certified ETF Couples Therapist. As a Certified Integrated Intimacy Professional, she believes in treating mental health in a holistic way, exploring individuals, couples, family systems, sexual health, medical issues, and spirituality to create a full picture of her clients’ lives and resources. As a woman who’s lived with MS for 13 years, Kimberly intimately understands how medical maladies can influence the mental health of families and individuals. This experience combines with her training to provide invaluable insight into relationships and sex.
Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.
Domina Franco is a New York City based sex educator, coach, and writer. Franco completed her Masters in Human Sexuality at Widener University and helps clients of all genders and orientations clarify, explore and enhance their sex lives. She guest lectures at universities around the country and provides one-on-one coaching as well as trainings and workshops that cover pleasure exploration, empowerment, kink and alternative relationship models.
Defining Sexual Authenticity
Domina defines sexual authenticity as approaching your sexuality in a way that’s true to your desires while honoring what you need, what you want, and your boundaries. She warns that it requires a lot of honesty with yourself and others, both of which can be difficult.
Unpacking Hang-ups
“People don’t give themselves enough credit for acting against social norms.” Domina says accepting ourselves and our sexual selves despite cultural resistance requires courage and involves the hard work of cultural unpacking. She admits that overcoming stigma and shame takes a lot of courage.
Many people, Domina reminds us, were raised in conservative social or religious groups, and beliefs about sex, gender, and sexuality inherited from those groups can create lifelong hang-ups. Even people who don’t come from conservative backgrounds can have hang-ups, she admits, but regardless of your hang-ups or their origin, she insists that it’s imperative to get in touch with your genuine needs and align yourself with your authentic sexuality.
Not Accepting Your Sexuality Divorces You from Your Partners
Even if it’s condemned by social norms, Domina believes it’s important to accept or, better, rejoice in our sexuality. If we can’t do that, she warns that sex will be unfulfilling. She further warns us that if our genuine sexuality is too different from what we act out in reality, we may be traumatized by the sex we force ourselves to endure.
She believes sex is about connection, but we pull away and compartmentalize our true emotions when we engage in sex acts that we don’t find fulfilling. When we aren’t present and attentive during sex, we aren’t just pulling away, we’re also growing more distant from our partners, which she says defeats the relationship-building purpose of sex.
Sex is Something We Learn to Do Safely
Domina warns that your first few times authentically expressing your sexuality may not grant you the full connectivity found in sex either, because it can be difficult to relax into activities that society condemns or stigmatizes, but embracing and acting upon your true sexual desires allows for the vulnerability and joy that create emotional connections between people. In short, she assures us that the connection and enjoyment will improve with time and practice.
Human Sexuality is Relative
We hear what Domina things about this when she asserts that everything is relative, “Somebody’s flogging and needle play is somebody else’s doggy style.” But despite these differences, she makes it clear that ‘vanilla shaming’ people is not okay while reinforcing the fact that there’s no hierarchy of sexual desires, and it doesn’t make sense to compare human sexuality in that way. Knowing that everyone—including you—deserves to be sexually fulfilled is what’s most important.
Embracing Truth Can Change Your Relationship
You need to roll the dice and share your sexual truth if you want to be fulfilled. The alternative is being perpetually unsatisfied, according to Domina. She acknowledges that this can be scary but reminds that courage is acting while feeling fear. Domina always hopes that people find the mustard seed of courage they need to pursue their true desires.
Talking about Sexual Goals with Your Partner
Once you know your authentic self, she says, you can speak your truth. She tells us we can start speaking our truth in a place as safe and impersonal as an online community, but she believes that sharing your truth with someone who’s important to you in person is more helpful.
Many of her clients don’t feel comfortable talking about their fantasies face-to-face, even with their partners. Sometimes her clients write letters or emails to their partners to get around this limitation but face-to-face discussions, Domina explains, should take place in a neutral, nonjudgmental, accepting environment. She says both parties should be sober, fully clothed, and in a receptive mood. The conversation should provide a safe space for both of you to air your desires, and both parties must aim to accept what the other says, even if they can’t meet all the needs voiced.
Sometimes Partners Can’t Meet Our Needs
Heartwarming stories of acceptance are great, but Domina admits that not everyone is accepted when they decide to be authentic. She reminds us that some partners do not want to participate in our kinks. Just like not everyone shares the same taste in food, not all partners are going to be okay with everything we want to try sexually.
Being Single While Exploring Your Sexuality
Domina wants to point out that doing this can be harder when you’re single because you’ll be having a lot of conversations with a lot of different people who will have a lot of different reactions. However, the only way to meet people who can fulfill your sexual needs is to keep sharing and being open about your sexuality. On a good note, she points out the experience gained by being open with new people will quickly raise your confidence, making it much easier to discuss sexual matters with potential partners.
Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.
#12: Jill Angelo - Genneve, Support for Women in Midlife and Menopause Solutions
00:20:55
I'm revisiting a topic that we talked about in a previous episode, which is menopause This time it's not so much from the medical standpoint or a provider's standpoint. It's more about the invisibility that tends to happen in that time of life: the lack of information, the lack of support, the lack of understanding and how isolated and alone women can feel as they're getting into their midlife.
Women can almost feel as though they've fallen through the cracks at this point.
I wanted to do this episode more on the social and support aspects of menopause and what it's like to try to go through that time feeling empowered and vibrant and alive and confident instead of what so frequently happens, which is almost like a setback. I can't remember if I read this somewhere, somebody called it the second adolescence, but it's a little bit reminiscent of that.
Who am I? How do I fit in? Where's my place? Do I feel empowered or not? Do I just want to hide? So much of what somebody can go through at 12, 13, 14 can almost resurface in middle age.
I've connected with Jill Angelo, and she is the founder and CEO of Genneve, which is a healthcare management solution for women in Midlife. The mission of Genneve is to empower women to take charge of their health and feel their best, confident, and most sexy selves and that just appealed to me.
In addition to the medical episode we did about menopause and what people can expect, this is more, “where can people go to make this an empowered transition and maybe the best years of their life instead of feeling like they'd been set back?”
Genneve is about women helping women and professionals helping women, all working together to find menopause solutions.
Jill is tech exec turned women's health care advocate, and she's bringing her passion for women's development and health together with her technology experience to build this new organization, Genneve.
She's a driving force for bringing effective health solutions, information, and resources to women in the most vibrant years of their life. So, I hope you enjoy my conversation with Jill Angelo.
If you’re enjoying the podcast and want to be a part of making sure it continues in the future, consider being a patron. With a small monthly pledge, you can support the costs of putting this show together. For as little as $2 per month, you can get advance access to each episode. For just a bit more, you will receive an advance copy of a chapter of my new book. And for $10 per month, you get all that plus an invitation to an online Q&A chat with me once a quarter. Learn more at https://www.patreon.com/bettersexpodcast
Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.
160: Sizzling Sex Across the Lifespan – Michael Castleman
00:47:54
Michael Castleman is a journalist that has been writing specifically about sexuality since 2005. He is also the author of Sizzling Sex across the Lifespan, covering the good bad and ugly bits about the subject. His book contains 25 actual medical studies and is based on facts.
Common Sexual Issues
Poor ejaculatory control is one of his best-selling subjects and you can find his e-book ‘ The Cure for Premature Ejaculation’ on his website. He discusses how differently men and women think about sex and provides advice for men to help improve the statistic that only 20% of women reach orgasm.
We learn that desire difference is also a main difference with couples which is not often reported. Michael talks about sexual pain and the high number of women that suffer with it even to the extent of not knowing the medical term for it and accepting it as ‘normal.’
If you are experiencing tension or stress around desire discrepancy, check out my free webinar – How to help your partner want more sex without making them feel pressure or obligation at https://www.intimacywithease.com/training
The Effects of Porn
Michael refers to masturbation and how kids are deterred from this behavior instead of being taught to understand it and enjoy it into adulthood. He mentions statistics that reveal 25% of the porn audience is female and despite popular belief, porn does not increase incidence of rape or disrespect of women, while teens have become more sexually responsible since pornography on the internet.
Michael agrees that porn results in masturbation and sexual miseducation. Debunking myths, he affirms that porn does not affect men’s ability to become aroused. He mentions the refractory period and shares how this should be understood in order to manage our bodies. He discusses arousal and how it changes across one’s lifetime.
Background
Michael Castleman is a journalist and sex counselor. Writing since 1974, he is the world’s most popular sex writer, covering sexuality, sex research, and sex therapy, helping people everywhere enjoy great sex.
Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.
In this episode of Better Sex, host Jessa Zimmerman engages in a detailed discussion with Anna Rahe about fascia, a system of connective tissues in the body. They explore how fascia impacts sexual health, pain, pleasure, flexibility, and overall bodily function. Rae shares insights from her personal journey of overcoming severe health issues through understanding and working with her fascia. Listeners learn about the relationship between fascia and various body systems, the importance of movement and hydration for fascia health, and practical strategies to improve fascia function. The episode also includes a demonstration of exercises beneficial for pelvic floor health and enhancing sexual pleasure.
00:00 Introduction to Better Sex Podcast
00:47 Understanding Fascia with Anna Rahe
01:38 Anna Rahe's Personal Journey with Fascia
04:55 What is Fascia?
07:51 The Importance of Fascia in Overall Health
09:49 Maintaining Healthy Fascia
16:02 Fascia and Movement Practices
20:47 Fascia's Role in Sexual Health
23:28 The Pelvic Floor and Diaphragm Connection
24:45 Understanding Pain and Fascia
25:42 The Insula and Fascia's Role in Sensory Processing
27:24 Fascia's Impact on Sexual Health
34:50 Practical Exercises for Fascia Health
39:07 Integrating Fascia Health into Daily Life
41:14 Resources and Closing Remarks
Interested in resources on desire discrepancy? https://www.desirediscrepancy.com
Bio:
For the past 25+ years, Anna Rahe has delved deep into a liberating and empowering relationship with fascia so that as many people as possible can invest in their health, restore their vitality, and heal themselves with the proprietary tools she has created. As the founder, CEO and educator of GST Body, Anna has spoken about holistic body care through fascia around the world, partnered with top athletes, surgeons, physicians and celebrities, and been featured in various publications, from Shape to Elle, Net-a-Porter to The Wall Street Journal.
Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.
Paula shares that mindfulness plays a key role in sex therapy which ties in mind and body by focusing on sensate focus and behavior. The therapy is purely verbal and while it implies a physical element, that only happens in a clients home away from their therapy so that progress can be made. Paula emphasizes that a major part of her clients have underlying anxiety struggles. She points out that sex therapy is used to treat this before ever focusing on sex.
Who needs sex therapy?
With a degree in Family therapy, Paula thinks about the ‘who’ differently. Her approach includes her client’s partner/s to get better insight into her patients’ struggle.
Paula also helps single clients. She points out erectile dysfunction as an example of a problem she tackles with her single clients. Her work with these clients includes understanding their bodies and giving them tools to help themselves.
Working with Paula
Paula’s first sessions are honest consultations used to get to know each other as taking the first step into therapy can be daunting for clients. She moves on to providing the way forward and answering any questions around this. Obviously this varies with each clients unique situation since her clients experience a range of difficulties from sexual trauma to pelvic floor issues.
Paula’s direct communication and transparency is a different approach to this kind of therapy but welcomed by her clients as they find her more relatable.
Fears
In this type of therapy, clients are exposed to an extent and Paula reveals that fear is part of the process. One of the most common fears she finds with her clients is the fear of being judged. Another one is fear of loss of a relationship if a struggle is not overcome during the therapy.
Frequency of sex often comes up with Paula finding that couples need permission to not engage in sex. Her candid and simple reaction to this is based on whether the parties are happy.
Paula shares an interesting angle to look at things from when experiencing sexual struggles, highlighting that being too involved in your partners problem takes away from you focusing on you and helping from that point of view.
Finding a Sex Therapist
Legitimate sex therapists have an AASECT certification. Therapists do around 160 hours of courses and 300 hours with patients before being certified. Training ensures that therapists themselves are aware of their biases and comfort zones to better aid their patients.
Background
Paula received her bachelor’s degree in Family and Human Development at Arizona State University and then went on to receive her master’s Degree in Family Therapy at the University of Massachusetts, in Boston. Post family therapy licensure, Paula became AASECT (American Association for Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and therapists) certified as a Sex Therapist and worked with individuals, relationships, and families in private practice in Boston, Massachusetts for ten years.
In that time, she received AASECT certification as a Supervisor of Sex Therapy and co-founded a sex therapy agency and training institute where we saw clients in addition to training therapists to become competent, confident sex therapists themselves. Paula continues to regularly present at various training institutes as well as Universities and therapy agencies across New England.
Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.
Jessa and Diana feel compelled to note that this episode of the Better Sex Podcast was recorded on June 1, 2020. Diana suggests that quarantine’s stress of forced togetherness is hard for many couples. But in addition to that, she talks about how the recent murder of a black man by police has provoked riots in cities across the country, a political firestorm that only adds to the stress people are feeling during the quarantine.
The Rebirth of Ourselves and our Lovers
Referring to the work of Gabriel Garcia Marquez, Dr. Diana saw the free time with our families as an opportunity to grant our relationships a second birth. She tells us that many couples haven’t had sex in a long time, and many have never been especially intimate with their partners. She recognizes both states as challenges that must be overcome to rekindle love and sex in relationships. That’s the reason she gives for publishing her book and the relationship-building tools that fill its pages.
Health Benefits of Sex
Dr. Diana educates us about the many benefits of sex and intimacy, telling us that having sex or touching your partner is scientifically shown to reduce stress. In her practice, she tells us she often recommends massage to her clients as a method to reconnect because massage lowers cortisol and adrenaline levels when certain pressure points are stimulated on the body. She also teaches that touch, especially sex and orgasms, relieves stress by releasing oxytocin, a neurochemical which increases bonding, is a natural sedative, and increases empathy.
Even masturbation reduces stress and has positive effects on health, Dr. Diana assures us. More surprisingly, Diana discusses that there are nonsexual self-touch exercises that also reduce stress and improve health. Unfortunately, she admits that unlike sex with someone else, the body does not release oxytocin during masturbation.
When it comes to how sex impacts the rest of people’s lives, Diana and her husband like to say, “It’s fun, it’s free, and it’s the fountain of youth,” about sex because having sex dramatically increases the feeling of vitality regardless of biological age.
Salvaging and Reigniting Broken Relationships
Dr. Diana claims to have written her book primarily to enrich people whose relationships are already doing well but want to take their intimacy to the next level. However, she acknowledges that some people are quarantined with unsuitable or violent partners, while others are cohabiting with a partner that they intended to break up with before the quarantine put the brakes on that process. For couples who were planning to break up, Dr Wiley suggests they come together and have a conversation about whether their relationship is worth salvaging.
For people who want to salvage or restore their relationship, she says the process of reigniting relationships begins with a conversation about what each person wants from the relationship. To help couples reconnect physically, she describes writing about lots of nonsexual touch exercises. After they become comfortable touching, Diana explains that they can set achievable goals like becoming great at kissing or having a make-out session. She says these actions and discussions can help reveal hidden desires and build the confidence needed to enter the marital bed and take time with sex. Dr Diana claims that the change in pace should increase the quality of their sex life. She reminds us that women tend to need twenty minutes of foreplay, oral sex, and penetration to reach orgasm and receive all the benefits of sex. She offers tools to accomplish this in her book.
Touching with Your Clothes On
In her book, Diana encourages couples to assess the intimacy of their relationship when they’re not having sex. She argues that couples probably don’t feel closer when they’re just watching TV together, which is why she supports intentionality about touch and connecting. She knows that not all families physically demonstrate affection, but believes that touching and hugs are irreplaceable glue for relationships. In her book, she writes that a seven-second kiss or a fifteen-second hug is enough to release oxytocin and create meaningful bonding on a daily basis.
The Sex Menu
One of the tools in Dr. Diana’s book is what she calls a sex menu. She describes the menu as a chart listing sexual activities and allowing each person to select a yes, no, or maybe reaction to indicate their desire for those acts. She says that many people get to anal sex and say no or maybe, but Dr. Diana reminds us that anal play doesn’t have to involve a penis in an anus. She describes rimming, which can be accomplished by moving a clean, wet finger around the anus, which stimulates nerve endings to create a very pleasurable experience.
Date Nights
In the second chapter of her book, Diana instructs couples to plan their date night at home. Under normal circumstances, she told people to have a date night one time every week, but with the forced closeness of the coronavirus quarantine, she believes having a date night twice per week is helpful. She says some of her patients believe that scheduling date nights would kill spontaneity, but Dr. Wiley argues that spontaneous sex is a Hollywood myth, and people need to put sex on the calendar. By scheduling sex, Diana claims that the partner with a lower sex drive can feel relieved because they know they won’t have to have sex until the marked day, which allows her to prepare herself for sex by reading romance novels, taking long baths, masturbating, or doing anything else that can increase her sexual enthusiasm. When that time comes, Dr. Diana believes that giving massages is a great way to start any sex session, because it allows both parties to be relaxed.
Dr. Wiley recommends that both partners discuss what they want from the evening. She claims that being sensual, considering all of our senses, is particularly helpful. She does admit there are limits to her book and her methods when she explains that resolving mental health issues and relationship tensions are necessary before increasing touch, as sex and romance are only truly effective for people who like each other.
Seven Secrets for Sensational Sex
1. Take care of yourself first. If you’re uncomfortable during sex, she advises telling your partner and making the sex better by avoiding discomfort.
2. Maintain and respect boundaries. She asserts the value of boundaries, saying it’s important to discuss what you do and don’t like, and to avoid pressuring each other into performing undesired sex acts.
3. Communicate openly and directly. Dr. Diana reminds us that no communication is clearer than spoken words.
4. Don’t take anything personally. The doctor informs us that sometimes people aren’t in the mood for sex or specific sex acts. She reminds us that there are any number of reasons this could happen, and it’s unwise to presume it has anything to do with you.
5. Focus on your partner’s pleasure. Diana’s husband expresses this as, “Worship your woman, and the goddess will reward you.” Though the phrase is gendered, Diana assures us the sentiment applies to men and women alike.
6. Don’t take each other for granted. Dr. Wiley says that expressing praise for your partner and growing in gratitude every day is a great method to cultivate life satisfaction and marital bliss.
7. Let go. Diana mentions that many women are very inhibited, which limits their ability to explore new things and enjoy sex. In her practice, as marijuana is legal in her state, she often recommends the substance as a method of pushing through inhibitions and having fun. She says that alcohol can serve a similar purpose, but it’s more harmful and not as useful.
Background
Diana Wiley, Ph.D., is a licensed marriage and family therapist, a board-certified sex therapist, and a gerontologist. With over thirty years of experience helping clients navigate problems in their sex and love lives, she currently works with clients in her office in Seattle, WA, and via online telehealth sessions. With her radio show on Progressive Radio Network, “Love, Lust, and Laughter” she’s been reaching additional listeners and helping more people for a decade. She’s published two studies in medical journals on aging and sexuality and was appointed as a Clinton Presidential Delegate to the 1995 White House Conference on Aging. Dr. Wiley is a skilled speaker and has given lectures and presentations on Aging and Sexuality in Amsterdam, Paris, Spain, Japan, India, and at many US conferences. Recently she became the author of a book to help people stuck in quarantine called Love in the Time of Corona: Advice from a Sex Therapist for Couples in Quarantine.
Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.
What is Surrogate Partner Therapy
Surrogate Partner Therapy offers a unique, tailored space in which to safely explore trust, communication, emotional intimacy, sensuality, and sexuality. Each of these pieces is important in their own right and essential in how they interconnect to influence healthy relationships.
It facilitates the therapeutic process and focuses on physical limitations, personal history, poor self-image, communication and other broad areas in relationships. Unlike a therapist, a surrogate partner is in the relationship with you and shows you what something would feel like, lending itself to people not currently in relationships.
Surrogate Partner Therapy is a Process
Just like any type of work required on a relationship, the process may take some time. Early on in the process, Brian ensures that his clients are aware of what can be expected during the sessions. The session involves the client, the therapist and the surrogate partner working parallel with each other.
Initially, Brian assesses his clients to see if they are a good fit for the sessions. He discusses mental disorders and active abuse as an example of clients that would not be a good fit for the therapy.
Consent is Crucial
Brian opens up the consent conversation and how critical it is to measure if his clients understand consent. He takes us through the exercise he uses throughout his sessions, to ensure that his clients understand consent and know how to identify it.
Specialized Training is Important
While this type of therapy is not offered by therapists, Brian discusses the process of involving his clients’ therapists and ensuring that they too are not overstepping personal or professional comfort boundaries.
To ensure you are getting a certified surrogate partner, Brian suggests getting recommendations and getting a feel for how your therapist works. The typical way a surrogate partner works is within a triad. Communication is usually a main area of discussion while sexual focus comes in as a client requires it.
Brian mentions the certifying organizations available that you can use to check if your surrogate partner is certified.
Background
Over the course of his adult life, Brian has worn many hats: research scientist (BA, Molecular biology; Masters, Microbiology), teacher, professional artist, performer, and parent. The common thread that has run through all of those vocations has been the joy of learning, discovery, and improvement.In parallel with his professional life, he has also been keenly interested in interpersonal interactions, intimacy, and authenticity. These two facets have merged in his practice as a Surrogate Partner.
Brian received his training in Surrogate Partner Therapy from IPSA (the International Professional Surrogates Association) in 2016. In addition to being a member of IPSA, he is also a surrogate partner member of IMBT (Institute for Mind-Body Therapy), AIHG (Ananda Integrative Health Group), and AASECT(American Association of Sex Educators Counsellors and Therapists).
Brian is a founding member of the surrogate Partner Collective and Chair of AASECT’s Somatic Sexuality Professionals Special InterestGroup.In his practice, Brian seeks to help clients create foundational self-knowledge that enables them to effectively navigate healthy and fulfilling intimate relationships. Motivating this is the core belief that sharing intimacy with others is an essential part of the human experience. While it is important for everyone to have the option to feel connected with others, many find it difficult (or impossible) to make this connection.
In helping clients achieve their goals, Brian strives to maintain high professional and ethical standards and promote accessibility of Surrogate Partner Therapy to ensure those in need may receive the most successful treatment. In addition to his work with clients, Brian has been advocating for his profession by education therapeutic professionals and the broader public.
Drawing from his experience as an educator, he has presented at a range of professional conferences, workshops, therapeutic practices, and professional groups. In discussing his work, he hopes to encourage dialogue about a variety of topics–intimacy, sensual awareness and embodiment, and communication–that is so desperately needed in our society.
Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.
#25: Amanda Laird - Menstruation and Sexual Health
00:32:48
Amanda’s interest in menstrual health began as early as her childhood. Today she passionately shares her wisdom about how women should have knowledge of how their bodies work and, with this, feel empowered to talk about menstruation and sex without feeling ashamed.
Menstrual problems and Sex
Join us as we discuss the main issues around periods and sex. Problems such as not feeling sexy when your period is heavy, hormonal imbalances and disorders which can cause excruciating pain.
Amanda answers the question of whether you can have sex when you’re on your period with a resounding YES, absolutely you can! Tune in to hear Amanda’s thoughts on why having sex on your period is a great thing, what precautions you can take, and what you can do to make it an enjoyable experience for both parties.
She touches on why your period can help orgasms and how orgasms can ease your period. We learn that a key factor in ensuring you and your partner are comfortable with having sex during menstruation.
Amanda shares an interesting list of products to use when having sex on your period. If you haven’t heard about menstrual discs, listen in to get an idea of how you can use them too! DIaphragms are mentioned and Amanda gives us her criticism on that.
History of myths about menstruation
We hear about the history and myths around women and menstruation. Many myths went unchallenged and were usually painted in an unfavorable light, surrounded by mysticism and power. “ Women’s power has always been acknowledged but it’s also been oppressed or feared.” Listen in to find out what mayonnaise and hunting had to do with this taboo topic!
How to think about periods
Join in to hear Amanda’s approach to your period. She highlights the cultural attitudes we have been taught and encourages us to understand your cycle and its role in our general wellness as our attitudes dictate our experience.
She questions where we get our information from and challenges us to look further to gain useful insights into the motivation behind this.
Nutrition and how it affects your periods
Tune in to hear Amanda’s simple tips to improve your period. She covers simple tricks such as a healthier nutritional intake and using more organic products to better your monthly experience. Amanda shares how NOT eating certain foods can positively affect your body too!
Can you get Pregnant on your Period?
Amanda tackles this interesting question in detail so we understand the probabilities for our individual cases. Listen in to learn how to determine whether you can indeed fall pregnant during your period.
About Amanda Laird
Amanda Laird is a Registered Holistic Nutritionist ™ and host of the Heavy Flow Podcast – a weekly podcast dedicated to casual conversations about periods, reproductive health and other taboo health and wellness topics, available on iTunes and at www.amandalaird.ca. She lives in Toronto with her husband and daughter.
Amanda specializes in helping women understand their menstrual cycle and how nutrition can contribute towards a more positive monthly experience. A self-confessed menstrual mogul, she draws on her personal experience to teach women how to balance their hormonal health by choosing the right food and lifestyle so periods no longer have to be a curse.
If you’re enjoying the podcast and want to be a part of making sure it continues in the future, consider being a patron. With a small monthly pledge, you can support the costs of putting this show together. For as little as $2 per month, you can get advance access to each episode. For just a bit more, you will receive an advance copy of a chapter of my new book. And for $10 per month, you get all that plus an invitation to an online Q&A chat with me once a quarter. Learn more at https://www.patreon.com/bettersexpodcast
Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.
#40: Jessa Zimmerman [Soapbox] - Sexual Avoidance Cycle
00:25:06
The Sexual Avoidance Cycle is far more common than many would believe, and I talk about this situation, what causes it and perpetuates its continuance.
I also answer the first of my listener questions during this “Soapbox” episode where I get to help you understand this important topic.
The Sexual Avoidance Cycle is pretty much the basis for my new book, Sex Without Stress, and today I try to answer some important questions people commonly have about it.
Firstly, what is the cycle? And what are all the things that play into it? How do people get trapped into the cycle and why does it make sense that you may be stuck too?
And most importantly, how do you get out?
You Are Not Alone
This cycle is very common, I see it all the time in my practice. It starts with some sort of disappointment around a sexual experience, often leading to avoidance, which can put undue stress and pressure on the sexual piece of a relationship, which can be disappointing…and you can see where this is going.
Sex Gets Hard
It’s normal to have trouble with sex. Things come up. Physical issues like sexual dysfunction, illness or disease, or changes in physical functioning as we age.
We all experience challenges within our relationships too. The dynamics change, there are communication or conflict issues, we grow and change as people, and our desires around sex shift as well.
Then there’s the general busyness of life and things that happen as we get older.
Disappointment
This is generally the first step towards a lap around the Sexual Avoidance Cycle. There is some negative experience with sex and if it happens on a regular basis, it can make it feel risky to even have sex.
It’s like a test, but you’re not sure how you’re going to do. Are you going to pass? Or fail? Sex isn’t a test, but this is how people often feel and it can be extremely stressful.
It creates a perpetual increase in anxiety around sex which will often lead to…
Avoidance
You find yourself, or maybe your partner, avoiding conversations about sex. And even avoiding the act itself. Maybe not both of you, but one of you for sure avoids sex or sex talk. It almost becomes natural.
All of this then builds…
Pressure
The topic of sex becomes the “elephant in the room.” What’s wrong with us? Why don’t we want to have sex? It’s definitely on your mind, even if you’re not talking about it.
This all increases the pressure, so if you do have a sexual encounter, there is enormous pressure on it to be “successful.”
And if it isn’t, you’re back to disappointment. Round and round…
How Do You Break the Cycle?
First, adjust your expectations so that there is no disappointment. No matter what happens, there is no “failure.”
Then, keep communication open and honest to make sure there is no avoidance of the topic of sex.
Finally, the pressure to perform is relieved when you approach every experience as a gift you share with your partner. And realize that nothing specific has to happen, which helps adjust your expectations, so there is no disappointment…
And the cycle is broken.
Listener Questions
New to the show, I respond to a listener’s questions about difficulties in his relationship.
Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.
276: [Soapbox] The most powerful exercise for change
00:19:10
In this episode of the Better Sex Podcast, host and sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman discusses the importance of experiential practice in improving intimate relationships. She introduces the Giver-Receiver Exercise, a powerful tool from her sex therapy practice and online course, 'Intimacy with Ease.' She explains how this exercise integrates nine essential skills for a thriving sex life, such as prioritizing intimacy, learning to communicate about sex, and practicing mindfulness. Listeners are guided through the instructions of the exercise and its benefits. She also shares the origins of the practice and emphasizes the importance of practicing regularly for long-lasting change. The episode concludes with reminders about the natural challenges that may arise and the significance of personal growth and patience in the process.
00:00 Introduction to Better Sex
01:21 The Giver Receiver Exercise Explained
03:26 Detailed Instructions for the Exercise
06:38 Addressing Common Challenges
08:08 Integrating the Nine Skills
15:20 Final Thoughts and Encouragement
17:40 Closing Remarks
Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.
My guest Steph has been writing about sexuality for more than fifteen years. She generally writes about sex education, rape culture, and perceptions regarding female sexuality. Her book A Dirty Word: How a Sex Writer Reclaimed Her Sexuality is an autobiography about the sexual abuse she was victim to, but it also encompasses a lot of the areas that she currently writes about in a journalistic sense.
Stumbling upon the discipline by accident, she first started writing about sex during a college internship. This was shortly after Steph came out of both a physically and mentally abusive relationship. Using her recent experience and sensing an opportunity for a form of ‘shock therapy’ as she puts it during the episode, Steph learned how to reclaim her sexuality through her sex writing.
This episode chronicles a marvelous woman with a remarkable story; listen along!
After the Relationship
Steph had trouble feeling comfortable with sex after her abusive relationship. Because of the things she was subjected to, the belittlement she faced, her whole outlook on herself and sex, in general, was distorted. Steph didn’t even feel like she could engage in sex in a way that was pleasurable to her.
After she picked up an internship after college and was assigned to write about sex, the exposure to sexuality was very beneficial to her overall perception about it.
Listen to Steph talk about it during the interview!
The Book: Her Big ‘Me Too’ Story
After gaining the experience and knowledge as a writer in the industry, Steph realized the healing power and clarity that comes from a healthy relationship with sex. She knew she wanted to write a book that people could relate to and be helped by. Steph wanted the book to be a way of broaching the subject of sex for people who were uncomfortable talking about it--it would be something to connect to despite the raging storm of discomfort inside.
The Most Pressing Issues for Sexuality in Society
When asked about some of the sexual ails of modern society, Steph starts with sexual education. She is wanting to press for earlier education in school. That means that Sex Ed is taught in earlier grades and that parents are also more involved in framing the important aspects of sex before they are sexually active.
In addition, Steph also mentions what she considers to be the crux of the issue during the episode. Check it out!
Her Largest Fear
Her husband knew, her good friends knew the extent of her abusive relationship, but she completely afraid of the moment her parents read A Dirty Word because they were going to find a way to blame themselves as if to say that they couldn’t protect their daughter. For more, listen along.
‘Pretending to be the Cool Girl’
This is the title of her favorite chapter in the book, where she tackles the assumptions that people have towards her just because she writes about sex. Steph found out really quickly how many other people in her field could relate to the content of that chapter. And for her, it was the part of the book that she enjoyed writing the most.
Messages for Steph’s Daughter
Steph says she will instill in her daughter that she doesn’t owe anyone anything. It should be about what she wants, what she is ready for. Boundaries will be taught, sexual education will be accentuated and not glossed over like a lot of parents do, and her daughter will be repeatedly told that it is quite all right to not conform to sexual practices if they are not desired. The lessons and concepts bestowed will get more complex as she grows older, but starting young is so very important.
Female Sexuality Has Been Demonized
Steph reminds listeners of the all-important fact that a lot of things that females are told is wrong with them sexually is actually pretty normal. There has been a hyper-focused critique of the female sexual spectrum that breeds insecurities and pathologies that are so disconnected from the truth. It took some time, it took some research and great books, but Steph normalized her perception and escaped a lot of the self-perpetuating loops that consistent negative stimuli can bring. Really do check this episode out!
Key Links for Steph Auteri:
(Including an affiliate link for her book, meaning I earn a small commission on your purchase)
Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.
Happily Ever After is a Fairy Tale
My guest today is Kara Haug. She is the creator of Grace Unbound and is a practicing sex educator with a B.A. in Psychology and a Masters in Theological Studies, as well as a certificate in Sexual Health Education from the University of Michigan, Ann Arbor. Her role mainly centers on teaching youth about shameless sexuality. She does a lot of workshops and is doing important work shifting the narrative on sexuality.
And in this episode, she talks about the fairytale misconceptions that all women often face in their daily lives. Because there are cultural reinforcements that peg a certain brand of story for women, many are going into marriages and motherhood with inflated expectations, only to find that things are much more challenging than they originally thought they would be. This episode explores this topic and offers some solutions for women who are struggling. Listen along.
The Biggest Misconception that Women Have About Sex and Sexuality
Kara says that women have been given the misconception from a young age of this giant fairy tale image that bundles romance and partnership. And she says that as reach adulthood we are hit with the reality that “the chemicals in our brain have expiration dates”.
In short, women are often fed the story that romance is going to be the easiest thing in the world. It’s just a matter of finding the right partner and living happily ever after, but the reality of it is much different. Romantic partnerships are a lot of work.
The ‘Goal’ of Motherhood and Long-Term Partnerships
Kara also talks about the goals that women are meant to aspire to–the script they are given about motherhood and long-term partnerships–never really factor in the tough moments after the wedding or birth.
No one really prepares women for how difficult the whole dynamic is going to be – especially if you are juggling a career, kids, and a complicated relationship. Your marriage and children won’t unlock an infinite wellspring of energy and motivation from within you. Most of the time it’s going to be hard, and it will be far from the fairy tale expectations that we see perpetuated in society.
Struggles With Sexuality as a Women
There are still considerable struggles for women to claim their desire and exist comfortably in the open while at the same time claiming their sexual yearnings. Younger women are still being labeled as ‘sluts’ in schools if they explore their sexuality, so there’s still an uphill climb that doesn’t usually end until adulthood…and sometimes never at all.
The Biggest Threat to Marriages?
Kara thinks that because of how involved marriage (and motherhood) can be, the biggest threat to marriages is when two partners shift their dynamic from romantic lovers to a business partner type of relationship. And identities get lost amidst all of the chaos.
Kara says that prioritizing our identities as romantic partners is the most important thing. She also suggests regular conversations as a way to switch off the autopilot and reclaim your identity – despite the busy, daily happenings of adulthood.
She says that even if it’s just a date night every week, or sitting down and having a conversation about sexual or other relationship needs every month. That practice can save marriages from turning into business partnerships.
The Hardest Part for Kara
Kara said that she had past traumas resurface while she was breastfeeding her child. She states that many women also experience these traumas around their bodies when they become mothers.
She says more on the subject. Listen along!
There’s Nothing Wrong With You!
Being in a relationship is extremely challenging. Add motherhood and the constant stress of raising a family and you’ll hardly have any free time to spare. Just because you are struggling and finding the whole experience challenging does not mean there is something wrong with you. It’s completely normal to feel like there is. Don’t worry about it, you’re doing completely fine.
What Are Women Saying the Most as Time Goes on
As mothers, Kara says that the most frequent exploration is pleasure, and being comfortable with exploring that as a regular goal in their relationship.
In addition, a lot of women are struggling with body image and wanting to feel desirable, so that is a continual anxiety-inducing reality of being a woman in the 21st century.
Shifting the Narrative
Kara shares that the narrative should be shifted into the direction of more independence and identity for women. She communicates that to her young daughter that it’s nice to have a partner, but she doesn’t have to rely on a male partner to give her an identity.
She talks a lot to the youth and she found that even doing simple eye contact exercises made them uncomfortable. So a part of her job as a sex educator means that Kara is continually trying to teach the benefits of eye contact, communication, vulnerability, and consent to these younger individuals to keep shifting the narrative.
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Liberation guide KaRonna Lynn, deals with body image obstacles. Liberation to KaRonna is about following what is liberating to you and not necessarily what society has defined as liberating. Most of her work is around body image but it is not confined to this.
Three Pronged Approach to Body Image Liberation
KaRonna discusses her three-pronged approach which includes, the physical body, our mental space and the culture we grew up in. Her work entails helping people unpack these things to understand her clients better. She emphasizes that this is a personal journey for each person and therefore each client needs to answer the question “How do you want this to change?”
Fat?
KaRonna Lynn shares her thoughts around people with body image concerns related to fat. She feels that people can be healthy at every size and that fat is purely a descriptor, especially since she has been through many diets and her own personal journey with weight. She rejects the idea that being healthy means being in a small, thin body.
When approached by clients that struggle with weight loss and have a goal to lose weight in order to enjoy their sex lives, KaRonna reveals the underlying message within her clients being “I need to change myself to be accepted. ” According to her, this bleeds into other areas of your life, and she finds that people are constantly trying to make others happy with the results not lasting forever. The secret to success is accepting yourself and allowing others to accept you as you are too.
Body Issues In Existing Relationships
Struggling with body image in an existing relationship can steer a relationship into difficulty as this can be a sensitive subject. KaRonna advises us to tackle this openly with our partners and work on how to move our sex lives into a new place and work with what our new bodies look like as opposed to changing our bodies. Physical attraction is only a piece of attraction and there are other areas we can focus our attraction to.
What it feels like to be Liberated
KaRonna explains how this may feel and what to expect when you experience liberation. If you have been conscious of your dress size, your eating habits, other peoples thoughts about your weight and looks, KaRonna explains that liberation would be when those thoughts no longer exist. Your automatic reactions to other people stop revolving around YOUR appearance or your body.
Background
KaRonna is a Liberation Guide. With intuitive gifts, years of untangling herself from toxic beliefs, and a clinically focused Masters of Social Work, KaRonna connects the dots between the physical (our bodies), the mental (our thoughts), and the social (our systems & cultures) at the core of body image struggles, in order to help people find deep personal liberation & body confidence.
Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.
272: [Soapbox] Escapting the sexual avoidance cycle
00:11:23
In this episode of the Better Sex Podcast, host and sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman delves into the sexual avoidance cycle, a term she coined to describe a common issue in intimate relationships. She explains how negative experiences and unmet expectations lead to avoidance, creating a cycle of increasing pressure and anxiety around sex. Jessa discusses various factors that contribute to this cycle, such as personal insecurities, relationship conflicts, and external life stressors. She emphasizes the importance of challenging unrealistic expectations, addressing negative feelings, and communicating openly with one's partner to break free from this cycle and enhance intimate relationships.
00:00 Welcome to Better Sex
00:50 Introduction to the Sexual Avoidance Cycle
01:17 Understanding the Cycle
05:36 Factors Contributing to the Cycle
08:16 Challenging Expectations and Breaking the Cycle
09:49 Conclusion and Final Thoughts
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178: Holistic Approaches to Erectile Dysfunction – Dr. Tracy Gapin
00:41:26
Dr. Gapin defines ED as an inability to attain an erection that is satisfactory for intercourse; however, he points out the subjectivity of an erection and brings down the definition to “an inability to have satisfactory intercourse”. He distinguished ED from performance anxiety by addressing the psychological component of a person’s psyche that acts up when one worries and develops anxiety over underperforming.
Various causes of ED
He distinguished various causes of Erectile Dysfunction into four categories and briefly talked about the disorders that could cause these dysfunctions.
Disruption of normal nervous function
Disrupted blood flow to the penis
Hypogonadism, thyroid, hyperlysinemia from poorly controlled diabetes, and hypercortisolemia from chronic stress.
Cognitive component plays an important part in erectile function. According to Dr. Gapin, stress can act as a disruptive component in a person’s life driving them away from the thought of sex.
Evaluating ED
Dr. Gapin addresses the systems-based approach that is followed in healthcare practice. He alerts people to recognize the multiple components that could cause ED before trying to fix it with a pill. He promotes the human systems approach with his patients where he understands and addresses the sleep patterns, stress, vascular health, hormones, and all other factors that could affect erectile function. He advocates adjusting to healthy nutrition and change in lifestyle to reverse the effects of ED by improving glycemic control, weight loss all of which have an effect on energy, hormones, and cortisol which ultimately come down to sexual health.
Improving erectile function by improving six areas of health
Dr. Tracy emphasizes improving six areas of health – Nutrition, sleep, mindset and stress, hormones, detox, and fitness to ultimately improve erectile function. While quantity is an important factor of sleep, he focuses on the quality of sleep. Poor sleep is said to raise cortisol levels and blood sugar, make you store fat, and lower testosterone levels ultimately affecting sexual function. He counsels on following a healthy diet by following an individualized plan on what foods to eat and avoid, as genetics play a big role in nutrition. As stress is an important component that men take up about various aspects of their lives, he emphasizes practicing gratitude and mindfulness by the following meditation and breathing through the nose. In the area of fitness, Dr. Tracy recommends strength training, cardio, low-intensity activities, and stretching. For more than 50% of men, improving their health in all the above areas will profoundly improve their sexual function.
Treatment options
Dr. Tracy talks about “band-aid treatment” including oral medications and intracavernosal injectables. Commonly used oral medications are Viagra and Cialis and they last from 24-48 hours depending on the medication. Intracavernosal injectables like trimix, bimix, or quad mix are taught to be directly injected into the penis and it gives an erection for up to two hours. These treatments are short-term fixes and won’t fix the underlying cause.
Fixing the underlying cause will help in improving the blood flow to the penis for the long term. He suggests a Vacuum pump that acts as an actual vacuum by sucking the blood into the penis to create an erection. A penis ring can be used to maintain the erection and to help with penis compression. It’s a non-invasive procedure, and he recommends using it 10-15 minutes every day to have a profound effect.
Two of the regenerative treatments are gain wave and PRP. Gainswave is a low-intensity shock wave therapy used to focus the shock waves at a specific point under the skin to cause neovascularization and angiogenesis to create new blood vessels in the penis. It’s done by stimulating stem cells and growth factors to produce new blood vessels and can be done over 8 to 10 sessions. Platelet-rich plasma (PRP) is when you draw a patient’s blood to separate the layer of platelets and growth factor and inject it in five different spots on the penis to stimulate stem cells and growth factors to produce new blood vessels. It’s done in a single session.
Dr. Tracy talks about Penile Implant as a last resort. It’s a surgical procedure done by placing an inflatable cylinder-like device into the penis which can be manually pumped to stimulate saline to go from a reservoir placed in the belly into the cylinder to create an erection. He explains several downsides to the procedure like a slight penis shortening, losing sensitivity, losing the feel of a natural erection, and damaging the chances of ever having a natural erection.
Testosterone Pandemic
Dr. Tracy opens us up to some shocking numbers of drop in testosterone levels and fertility levels over the last 30 years. He talks about the chemicals and endocrine disruptors in the environment that are decreasing the hormones, causing immune disease, obesity, infertility, hormone issues, and cancers. He points out the difficulty in avoiding those as they are present everywhere in our food products, plastic water bottles, packaging containers, household cleaning products, personal care products- shampoo, deodorant, cologne, sunscreen, soap, etc. To curb the effects, he says we need to teach and learn how to minimize exposure to these chemicals.
Biography
Tracy Gapin, MD, FACS is a board-certified urologist, world-renowned men’s health & performance expert, best-selling author, and professional speaker. He has over 20 years of experience focused on providing Fortune 500 executives, entrepreneurs, and athletes a personalized path to optimizing their health and performance.
Dr. Gapin incorporates precision hormone optimization, peptide therapy, state-of-the-art biometric tracking, epigenetic coaching, and cutting-edge age management protocols to help men not just optimize their testosterone levels but radically upgrade their health and vitality and reverse aging, so they can be the most amazing version of themselves.
Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.
In this episode, Asya Brodsky gives insight into sexual issues and concerns with veterans. From injuries, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) or military sexual trauma (MST), Brodsky explains how these experiences can create all kinds of ramifications in the life of a veteran and how these can affect sexual function and intimacy with a partner.
What are the kinds of concerns that are prevalent among veterans?
PTSD is still the most common issue among veterans, as well as PTSD due to MST. According to Brodsky, veterans in combat who come back physically whole carry great psychological and emotional repercussions. However, the recovery and rehabilitation process for them are focused on basic means and sexuality is often neglected.
What are some of the steps around PTSD and MST? Is this something that the military is taking on?
There are multiple campaigns for MST for veterans. These campaigns let them know that there is support out there and that actions are being taken to address their mental health and really look into this seriously.
What kinds of things get in the way of veterans seeking help in sexual issues?
Brodsky said it’s still primarily military culture where soldiers are taught to be tough and disconnected from their emotions to survive. The contradiction is, what helps them in the service, hurts them in civilian life. It’s a big deterrent for vets seeking out services also because of the stigma about seeking help for mental issues.
What are these people facing coming back from war wounded?
If you were injured in combat, likely you have a combination of physical and psychological injury affecting someone’s identity and self-concept. Physical injuries have an effect on sexuality and sexual expression. Brodsky is positive, however, that in no time, authorities will recognize sexual issues to be part of the rehabilitation process.
What should spouses do?
Brodsky gives suggestions on what veteran couples can do, such as therapy. She also underlines the importance of being patient and recognizing that sexuality can change overtime. Military partners should also make themselves aware of PTSD and follow the lead of their partner on whether they feel comfortable talking about their experience.
In the end, Brodsky advises veterans to seek help as soon as possible.
Biography:
Asya Brodsky, LCSW, CADC, CST is a licensed clinical social worker, certified alcohol and drug counselor and certified sex therapist through AASECT. She holds positions as the Women Veterans Program Manager at the Jesse Brown VA Medical Center and maintains her own private sex therapy practice, Speak Chicago Psychotherapy LLC. Asya is a relational psychodynamically-informed psychotherapist, specializing in the areas of sexual functioning and expression and their impact on individual and relational identities and lives. Asya is affiliated with psychoanalytic communities in Chicago and is the co-founder and co-leader of the Chicago Sex Therapist Network.
Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.
173: Self Love Secrets From a Bra Fitter with Kimmay Caldwell
00:47:14
On this episode we hear from Kimmay Caldwell, an Undergarment Educator and Coach, whose 20-year-old self, working as a bra fitter, was struck by how people viewed themselves in the mirror. The harsh narratives people came up with while trying on a bra made her transform her own relationship with her body. Now, Kimmay supports all those people who struggle with self-love, self-acceptance and body image through her coaching work. Kimmay covers everything about loving yourself and owning your body.
Becoming a self-love coach and an undergarment educator
Kimmay was an independent and struggling full-time student in New York City and became a bra fitter at a bra shop in Soho where she met all kinds of people from different backgrounds. In the pre-Instagram period of hiding cellulite and stretch marks, Kimmay (like many others) struggled with body image and self-acceptance. Being a bra fitter gave her a window into the most vulnerable parts of people’s minds- what they see when they look into the mirror. The negative stories that people came up within that intimate space made Kimmay reflect on her own relationship with her body. It not only inspired her to improve her perception of her body and image but also inspired her to support others in their own journey of acceptance and love.
Kimmay says that breasts and genitals are the most intimate and sacred parts of our body. However they appear – full breasts or a flat chest, it centers our energy. When people feel shame and discomfort with those parts of their body, it can throw their energy off.
How did Kimmay help as a bra fitter and now as a coach?
Working as a bra fitter in retail, Kimmay would encourage people to see something positive when they experience intrusive thoughts like what their bra size means to them. Now as a coach, Kimmay started with bra fitting sessions where she addresses three things – confusion, discomfort and shame, to get people to start liking what they see in the mirror. Confusion is the educational part of the process about bra sizing, what fits and the differences. Discomfort people feel can be addressed by fitting them into their right bra size. One of her thoughts is around how wearing your right bra size is much like fitting into the right size shoes, it’s about being comfortable in what you wear. Shame is tackled by addressing stories around body types, what it means to them. Kimmay explains how shame grows from the stories we tell ourselves and how shame blocks confidence, potential and connection with our bodies.
Kimmay created the “Hurray housekeeping method” where you view yourself as a house, from the foundation up. It serves women who aim to be successful and achieve bigger dreams. She rightly believes that the kind of person you are outside to the world and in your relationships, at the end of the day, you come to yourself, to “your head and heart space” as Kimmay says it. It’s important to feel comfortable and at home in who you are. To make that happen you change how you talk to yourself, the stories you tell yourself.
Inside, outside and underneath – meaning
Kimmay gets into explaining what her tagline “inside, outside and underneath” means. In taking a holistic approach Kimmay supports people by working inside out. The inside part of the process includes a relationship and connection with your inner self. Changing the way you perceive yourself and the way you communicate about your appearance could transform your inner self. She then guides them into the process of addressing concerns underneath your clothing, which is done by educating people about undergarments. In the next step, she looks outside a person including their job, how they present to people, relationships and more. Kimmay emphasizes the need to connect with yourself first before connecting with someone else in a relationship.
Wearing lingerie for yourself
Kimmay talks about choosing the right bra that fits as a deep clean that leads to a path to transformation. Comparing it to cleaning an actual house, Kimmay explains how it’s a slow and an ongoing process that doesn’t happen overnight or change everything about yourself. Kimmay works mainly with people in their 50s who have time on their hands to focus on themselves and those going through menopause and dealing with changes to their bodies. It opens up an opportunity for them to not only find a right fitting bra but also feel different about themselves physically and emotionally. Kimmay points out the importance of wearing bras or any undergarments as a treat for yourself, to feel the confidence and comfort and not with an expectation for someone else to see it.
Take away
Kimmay gives a wise takeaway of bra fitting by asking people to stop using numbers as a definition and instead use it as information. She urges people to give those definitions to numbers which could also be their salary, age or weight. Understanding information on bra sizing, how it works and what works for you is important. She addresses misinformation that’s been taught about bra sizing.
It’s also a part of misinformation that we don’t know the right way of taking care of our bras, how to wash them and to put them on. She offers free information around this on her website. Kimmay talks about her campaign “More Than My Numbers” where people of different sizes, colors and body shapes are featured and they measure themselves and share their sizes.
Using lingerie to help with intimacy in relationships
Kimmay talks about how certain parts that are covered by undergarments and lingerie itself are sexualized. She points out that you can have never had sex and still use lingerie, like everyday bras or T-shirts that make you feel sexy which gets along well with the exciting fact of loving yourself by dressing well underneath your clothes. Giving space to feel confident with who you are and your body, and feeling of course a bit frisky. Those things can then be brought into an intimate situation with someone’s intimacy at its core. It’s all about vulnerability. Being vulnerable in front of someone is hard when you don’t feel ok with your body, so it’s easier when you feel loved and accepted. Lingerie is also used in a way of self-love to show up bigger in the world. She shares some tips about how to spice up your relationship with lingerie.
Biography:
Kimmay Caldwell is a self-love coach and Undergarment educator who supports people to say “Hurray” inside, outside, and underneath. She is an expert bra fitter with over a decade of experience of getting intimate with people from cup sizes A to N since 2005. Years in the fitting room illuminated the stories people had about their bodies, their self-worth, and their dreams which helped her become a coach and tune in quickly to what will serve her clients best. Now her newest offering, The Hurray House Method, supports people to do the daily inner housekeeping and self-care necessary to show up big in the world.
Formerly based in NYC, she is now in rural Oklahoma and travels around the world to spread her empowering message of self-love, and how to use the everyday ritual of putting on a bra to uncover your confidence, stand in your power, and learn to love yourself. You may have seen her in one of over 100 press outlets, including more than 5 times on The Rachael Ray Show, plus the Martha Stewart Show, The Today Show, and more. Or perhaps you caught her teaching bra fitting workshops at the largest lingerie expo in the world in Paris.
Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.
Dr. Kanwal Bawa talks about sexual health and wellness, particularly vaginal rejuvenation, to improve relationships and the sexual experience. Known as ‘Dr. Sex Fairy’ due to her patients’ incredible sexual wellness success stories, Dr. Bawa reveals to us what’s in her fairy dust.
How important is the female orgasm?
Unfortunately, many women assume that they cannot orgasm. Studies show that many women do not even know their own anatomy, and henceforth do not know how to pleasure themselves. Good orgasms can be indicative of better vaginal health, better mental health, a better relationship with one’s partner and more enjoyable sexual activities.
What do women need to know to achieve orgasm?
There is so much more to having an orgasm than just sex itself. Women need to ensure that they are monitoring their hormones and their vaginal health, as an imbalance or lack of these can make achieving orgasm very difficult. Dr. Bawa explains the different rejuvenation procedures and treatments that she offers to her clients that have helped to change their lives.
Prevention is better than a cure
Dr. Bawa advises people to rethink wellness. Vaginal health needs to be approached in a preventative way and not only brought up when a problem arises. Sexual health is a topic that is ignored by a lot of doctors. By filling this void, Dr. Bawa hopes to transform the lives of many people by improving their sexual health.
Biography:
Dr. Kanwal Bawa is a board-certified physician, founder of Bawa Medical, and a member of FemiWave’s Medical Advisory Board. Dr. Bawa is committed to her philosophy of “rejuvenation from the inside out,” an approach that combines state-of-the-art procedures and multi-faceted solutions with her exceptional knowledge and skill.
After battling a breast cancer diagnosis, Dr. Bawa went on to be crowned Ms. Florida U.S. Continental 2021. Dr. Bawa’s motivation in entering the competition was to inspire cancer patients to live their best lives, and to raise awareness for misdiagnosis. Dr. Bawa is an ambassador for the American Cancer Society’s ResearcHERS initiative to raise funds for women-led cancer research for all cancer.
At her rejuvenation medical practice Bawa Medical in Boca Raton, Florida, Dr. Bawa uses her expertise and procedures to help transform her patients – especially those affected by cancer. She specializes in intimate wellness, skin rejuvenation, hair restoration, IV therapy, and hormone replacement.
Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.
174: How Men Can Talk About Their Sexual Desires – Shana James
00:34:31
In this episode, Shana James shares how men can talk about their desires and their vulnerability toward having a thriving sex life.
Shana’s drive to support and guide people into a healthier relationship stems from her younger self who was confused and wanted to understand what a healthy relationship looked like. Now, Shana’s work on communication extends beyond men and can be applied to all heterosexual relationships.
Communication Breakdowns in a Relationship
According to Shana, the most important part of communication in relationships that people need to improve is respect. Drawing on personal experience, Shana suggests that we reflect on the way we treat our partners. While trust is built on actions, words have the power to shake that foundation. Our emotional responses, like name-calling and blaming, are a part of that communication that needs to be fixed for a healthy relationship.
What Makes a Lower Desire Partner Say No to Sex?
A partner can push their lower-desire partner away from saying yes to sex when their conversation takes a turn into complaining and blaming. Instead, Shana suggests having a conversation filled with passion, excitement, and collaboration. Asking questions about what their desires are and talking about what you want to try is a good way to bring them around the idea of opening up about their wants. Depending on the tone of our conversations, lower desire partners can feel the blame and put off their desires. “Innately, there’s nothing wrong with our desires”, Shana says while urging people to work through their desires and initiate collaboration.
Shame Around Expressing Sexual Desires
Shame is one of the biggest hurdles people feel around their desires that makes them say no to affectionate advances or sex. Their partners can offer them a safe space to express those desires by fulfilling their desires outside the bedroom – to be seen and understood. Shana says it’s a collaborative effort of both partners to connect and form an intimate and emotional bond outside the bedroom. It enforces their trust to be playful and explore each other’s bodies, what they like and need, and what you like and need. It’s an experimentation-style approach of constantly being curious about each other’s desires and your own. It helps face the shame and fears with compassion and love.
How To Make Your Partner Feel Safe to Be Aroused & Sexual
Shana’s advice to make your partner feel safe and comfortable to be sexual is to be vulnerable and honest with your reasons for wanting that experience. Unlike many assume, men do feel the need to have sex to connect and bond on a deeper level or to express the love they feel. It’s a way to leave behind the stresses of the day and focus on being a good partner. Shana also points out that when we assume the best of our partner, we start to understand where they’re coming from and show more compassion towards their needs and our own, that’s how collaboration is possible.
Advice on How to Have Vulnerable Conversations
Having conversations about desires and needs can be difficult for many, and Shana advises people to communicate before having sex. The conversation could be about how we’re treating each other in terms of respect and acknowledging each other’s wants and needs. During the conversation, it’s important to hear what the other person is saying and instead of dismissing an idea, try entertaining the thought. You can brainstorm with your partner about how they can accommodate you in a way you feel safe and comfortable to try this new thing. This is where curiosity comes into play, says Shana. In terms of putting your desires forward, Shana suggests the ABC communication method. When you put an idea forward and get a “B” response from your partner that’s surprising, instead of walking away try asking what caused them to respond in that way and be curious to find out.
Final Thoughts
Shana leaves us with a reminder to have those vulnerable conversations in the moment and avoid the build-up of resentment and irritation. Having conversations about sex during a casual time other than in the bedroom can boost that habit of collaboration and teamwork. She also suggests making your pleasure your responsibility by getting to know your body better. She urges people to be playful with sex and not keep orgasm as a goal and be exploratory with it.
Biography
For 15 years Shana coached more than a thousand leaders, CEOs, authors, speakers, and people with big visions to find love, rekindle the spark, step into more powerful leadership, start and grow businesses, increase their impact, create a legacy, and become more personally inspired and fulfilled.
Referred to as a secret weapon, she cuts through distraction and provides direct access to confidence, power, and clarity. She is also a translator between women and men, providing effective tools to transform conversations and dynamics that have gone awry into connection and collaboration.
With an M.A. in psychology, DISC certification, Coaching training, more than a decade facilitating groups and workshops, starting multiple businesses, and helping hundreds of entrepreneurs start their own, her range of skills is unlike many.
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Dr. Allyson Shrikhande, a rehabilitation doctor who specializes in pelvic rehabilitation medicine, gives us an in-depth discussion about endometriosis. What is endometriosis, the disorder affecting one out of ten women? How does it show up and what are the treatment options?
What is endometriosis?
Endometriosis is a disorder wherein cells that are similar to the cells lining the inside of the uterus (endometrium) grow outside of the uterus. These cells can settle basically anywhere in the body but most commonly in the pelvic cavity and can cause pain and infertility.
How common is endometriosis?
Depending on the study, one out of ten, or one out of nine women can have endometriosis. It is as common as breast cancer with a strong genetic predisposition.
What are the symptoms of endometriosis?
The challenge is that it is a silent disease, making it hard to diagnose. The way it presents itself is as a person being infertile and/or having pelvic pain. Pain during intercourse, tampon use and the like as well as GI problems (constipation, abdominal bloating, abdominal pain), and a UTI that will not go away are very common symptoms.
Treatment options for endometriosis
The major challenge in the medical community is that there is no proper diagnostic other than surgery right now. The gold standard for a proper diagnosis is laparoscopic surgery, then some pathology. Because of the complexity and systemic nature of endometriosis, Dr. Shrikhande also takes on a holistic approach to treatment, discussing additional things like nutrition and even medication with patients.
Endometriosis awareness
Dr. Shrikhande underlines the need for more research and studies to help in diagnosing endometriosis in its early stages. Unfortunately, it is a very complex disease with strong genetic disposition making it even harder to prevent. Awareness is key as there is still nothing conclusive as to what is causing endo. It’s important that women are diagnosed in an efficient manner and have access to skilled medical and rehab providers who can help them with proficient treatment.
Biography:
Dr. Allyson Shrikhande, a board-certified Physical Medicine and Rehabilitation specialist, is the Chief Medical Officer of Pelvic Rehabilitation Medicine. She is also the Chair of the Medical Education Committee for the International Pelvic Pain Society. She is working with other experts in the field of chronic pelvic pain to develop training modules for residents and physicians interested in learning about the diagnosis, treatment, and management of chronic pelvic pain. A leading expert on pelvic health and a respected researcher, author and lecturer, Dr. Shrikhande is a recognized authority on male and female pelvic pain diagnosis and treatment.
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To reach an ADHD diagnosis, Dr. Tuckman reports that a 45-minute interview is required. With the media coverage of young boys with ADHD, Dr. Tuckman says that most clinicians can diagnose childhood ADHD accurately, though he notes that girls aren’t diagnosed as often as boys. He suggests that clinicians might expect ADHD more often in boys than girls, leading to them not noticing the symptoms.
Ari says that adults with ADHD also have a harder time being diagnosed, partially because their symptoms vary a little. Grown men and women almost never display the hyperactivity of ADHD youths, he admits, but forgetfulness, poor time management, losing things, and high distractibility continue to impact people’s personal and professional lives throughout adulthood.
He shares that adults with ADHD frequently realize they have ADHD themselves in what he calls a two-for-one: Parents bring in their child for an assessment and realize they also display ADHD symptoms, leading to simultaneous diagnoses.
Adult women with ADHD can be particularly difficult to diagnose, according to Ari. He tells us that they often present with anxiety and depression, but he reports that most clinicians stop their analysis there, when the root cause of their mental anguish stems from poor executive function, poor time management, and other, similar symptoms of ADHD.
ADHD Symptoms
Dr. Tuckman explains that it’s easier for people with ADHD to maintain focus on more interesting activities and on tasks that have a strict, close deadline. Being consistent and reliable are difficult tasks for people with ADHD, admits Dr. Tuckman. In these scenarios, partners with ADHD often lament their lack of reliability, while partners without the condition hate seeing themselves turn into a nagging spouse.
Dr. Tuckman describes another scenario where one person who likes everything organized in a rational manner, marries someone who isn’t as attentive or consistent about item placement at home. He says this often becomes a power struggle when what is needed is a method of reconciling their differences by coming to a compromise. He informs us that partners with ADHD will genuinely commit to the compromise and will often fulfill it for a few days, but before long they get derailed by things like getting home late, work difficulties, or not sleeping well the night before. He adds that this also leads to nagging and relationship struggles.
ADHD or Simple Laziness?
Ari asserts that ADHD is characterized by a failure to actualize good intentions. He describes people with ADHD as genuinely intending to fulfill their responsibilities, and he tells us that they are aware of the positive and negative repercussions that will occur if they do or don’t—for example—take out the trash. They’re often angry at themselves for neglecting their duties and breaking their promises. Dr. Tuckman assures us that adult ADHD isn’t purely about forgetting to perform menial tasks. He says they often forget things that outright hurt themselves, like leaving their lunch at home. He contends that their good intentions and their tendency to harm themselves with their disease distinguish them from people who simply want to avoid housework.
Sex and ADHD
Ari relates that when he was researching his most recent book, he had 3,000 people fill out a form that covered their marital relationships and their sex lives. He found that most people with ADHD enjoy their sex life when they are having regular sex. Unfortunately, Dr. Tuckman discovered several barriers to intercourse including partners not having enough good feelings about each other and the couple not having enough time to have sex. The former problem comes from the power struggles described earlier, but Dr. Hickman describes the lack of time as resulting from getting distracted and consequently taking more time to do things.
The ADHD Sex Drive
Within the aforementioned survey, he placed several questions designed to measure the sexual eagerness of people with ADHD. By asking how often they masturbate, how long it takes them to get revved up, how frequently they would like to have sex, and similar questions he found that people with ADHD are significantly more sexually eager than people without ADHD. He theorizes that just as people with ADHD tend to be more influenced by what’s going on around them, they may also be more easily influenced by the regular thoughts about sex that float through their minds. He further theorized that having one member of a relationship respond to sexual impulses more strongly can help to maintain the couple’s sex life by incentivizing the intentional pursuit of sex in the relationship. Alternately, he admits that differences in sex drive can create a wedge between the couple.
Sexual Satisfaction with ADHD
Dr. Tuckman sees a lot of couples in his office who are struggling because the ADHD partner is male, and the increased sexual eagerness of his condition magnifies the already high male sex drive. He says this difference in desire combined with the way women frequently assume chores and tasks often leaves women in relationships with male ADHD patients exhausted and unhappy.
By contrast, he found that when women have ADHD, the couple has sex 25% more often than couples where the male has ADHD. He points out that men with ADHD tend to have the highest sex drive, while women without ADHD have the lowest sex drive—a situation that naturally causes conflict. However, Ari explains that women with ADHD and men without ADHD both sit in the middle of the spectrum, with sex drives that are more similar. He speculates that having a similar sex drive between partners may lead to happier relationships in general because the good feelings from sex spill into and enhance other parts of the relationship.
Treating ADHD with Medication
Ari says that prescribing stimulants to ADHD patients is an excellent idea. He informs us that the stimulants prescribed for ADHD are some of the most effective medications in psychiatry and they’re non-addictive if taken as prescribed. This is particularly important to Dr. Tuckman because untreated ADHD doesn’t just result in poor school performance, but also lowers lifetime earnings, leads to increased car accidents, and even lowers lifespan because of ADHD’s tendency to reduce a person’s self-maintenance abilities and its ability to reduce a person’s ability to seek and comply with medical advice.
Non-Medical ADHD Treatments
Ari tells us that a lot of great resources are published to help people and their partners cope with ADHD. Seeking out better methods to get things done, get organized, and get on top of things. He suggests that cognitive-behavioral therapy can also help some symptoms.
Navigating Sex and Romance
When it comes to romantic relationships, he maintains that both partners must come to an agreement that they both can accept. He emphasizes that this does not mean either partner should completely change and do things their partner’s way, as that is unsustainable and avoids the fact that healthy relationships involve a give-and-take that satisfies both partners. He points out that if your sex life is important to you, working on your relationship will help that out. Similarly, he asserts that working to have a better sex life will improve the nonsexual elements of your relationship too. He explains that it’s hard to have a truly intimate sexual experience with someone you’re mad at, but reaching a level of a deep, vulnerable union during sex absolutely colors the hours and days that follow.
Background
Dr. Ari Tuckman has a private practice in West Chester, PA where he specializes in diagnosing and treating adult ADHD. As a certified sex therapist, he also focuses on couples counseling and sex therapy. He frequently presents and co-chairs at CHADD, the national ADHD advocacy organization, and has been featured on CNN, National Public Radio, and several other media outlets. The author of four books, his most recent is “ADHD After Dark: Better Sex Life, Better Relationship,” a title that explores the impact of ADHD on romance and sex.
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251: Better Sex Through Science with Dr. Molly Maloof
00:34:30
In this episode of Better Sex, Jessa Zimmerman interviews Dr. Molly Maloof, a physician who explores the significant impact of relationships on health and longevity. Dr. Maloof delves into the connection between human relationships and overall well-being, highlighting the innovative Adamo method she developed to enhance passion, connection, and sexual satisfaction among couples. The discussion covers various topics, from the basics of energy metabolism to the science of love, trauma-informed sex therapy, and the promising future of AI in medicine. The episode offers listeners valuable insights into how healthy relationships and sexual health contribute to living a longer, happier life.
00:00 Introduction to Better Sex Podcast
00:48 Interview with Dr. Molly Maloof
02:27 The Importance of Relationships for Longevity
03:34 Energy Metabolism and Human Connection
05:49 Adamo: Enhancing Sexual Relationships
08:04 Sexual Satisfaction and Overcoming Dysfunction
Dr. Molly is a pioneering force in healthspan extension and longevity medicine. Her expertise spans personalized medicine, digital health technologies, biofeedback-assisted lifestyle interventions, and scientifically-based wellness products and services. Her groundbreaking book, "The Spark Factor," is the first biohacking book for women.
As the founder and CEO of Adamo Bioscience, Molly is also at the forefront of bringing modern sex education to couples with a groundbreaking intimacy program developed through a study of the science of love. The Adamo Method is a program designed for couples looking to optimize and improve their sexual and relational function. Designed with top experts in the fields of medicine, psychology, and somatic sexuality, the program is a comprehensive and enjoyable intimacy education for modern adults. In 2024, Adamo ran an IRB-approved study on love, intimacy and sexual function in long-term relationships and observed the efficacy of The Adamo Method. Preliminary results showed significant statistical improvement in sexual satisfaction, wellbeing and communication and improvements in love, intimacy and passion. Results will be published in late 2024.
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#31: [Personal Story] Anca - A Recovering People Pleaser
00:35:37
Recovering from people pleasing
Today's guest is sharing her story of claiming her story, rewriting her story, figuring out which parts she wants in, and which parts no longer serve her.
She says it has been a struggle to understand where her sexual power comes from and to be comfortable standing within that power.
She tells the story about her conception and her parents, you know getting pregnant with her and how it was an accident.
Basically, they weren't married in a time and place where that wasn't okay, and she ended up sort of internalizing a lot of their bad feelings and she didn't really understand until she was 12. At that time they shared the story with her where some of those feelings were coming from.
And she had to rise above the conservative religious background that she was raised in, one that made her feel sex was "taboo" and something to be ashamed of, and really take ownership of her sexuality. And to start to question and evaluate everything about who she is, how she shows up as a woman, what she wants in sex, what she wants in a relationship and really sort through to figure out what she wants to keep.
To understand what is authentically her and what is not.
She also feels she grew up with the belief that once you have sex with someone, they will lose interest in you. She also tells us about several other interesting "a-ha" moments and revelations along her journey.
Anca also tells us about the important work she is doing, helping others to re-write their story into something that is completely authentic.
I hope you're going to enjoy the story and get something meaningful from it for yourself and here is my conversation with Anca.
p.s. Today's episode is another in my series of personal stories. I am really enjoying these. In fact, I want to invite you if you're listening and you would be open to appearing on the show to share your story. Please get in touch.
We can make it Anonymous. Although your voice is heard, or not, depending on your preferences and I am willing to talk to you as an individual or as a couple.
But if you've got a transformation in your story, if you've got something that people could learn from that could inspire them, or just give some hope that things can change, I would love to talk to you. So send me an email, change@jessazimmerman.com, get in touch through the podcast, anyway, you can and let's set up a time to talk.
If you’re enjoying the podcast and want to be a part of making sure it continues in the future, consider being a patron. With a small monthly pledge, you can support the costs of putting this show together. For as little as $2 per month, you can get advance access to each episode. For just a bit more, you will receive an advance copy of a chapter of my new book. And for $10 per month, you get all that plus an invitation to an online Q&A chat with me once a quarter. Learn more at https://www.patreon.com/bettersexpodcast
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Elizabeth Dall talks about “body freedom,” the antidote to body shame and self-consciousness that many of us, if not all, experience at some point in our life. Body image issues affect mostly women and are often a great barrier to be interested in sex in an otherwise healthy relationship. In this episode, learn how to accept your body the way it is and take that first step to your own “body freedom.”
What is body freedom?
Freedom is the ability to experience something how you want to experience it. It does not mean being immune to having difficult days with our bodies, but it does mean being able to make the choice to step into freedom. It all boils down to having a choice: you can choose to stay stuck or frustrated in a negative body image or choose to step into the body image that you want to create for yourself.
Acceptance before change
One way to start a change on our body is actually by learning to accept the body that we have so we can work with it. It is about learning how to work with your body to create the change so that it’s sustainable. Allow yourself first the freedom to the change that you want and step into that identity before you even begin the change.
What does “working with your body” mean?
Whenever we want to change something in our body, we tend to detach from that body and we seemingly wanting to be another person with that change. When you work with your body, you see and acknowledge where your body is as well as where you want it to go, and the only way to be able to get there is if I learn how to work with it. To do that, we learn how to sustain habits that we enjoy so that we can keep going.
You are capable of creating change
We have been told by media, influencers and other “outside voices” that this is the way you’re supposed to look, this is what you’re supposed to exercise, or this is the way you’re supposed to eat. But it is a losing battle if we follow what they want us to do because if you don’t see results then you will just be frustrated. Know that you are capable of creating change within yourself. You are capable of choosing movements that you enjoy, dealing with your emotions, and knowing when to eat or stop eating. Your body speaks to you but there’s so much noise outside telling you things that are not really suitable for you.
What do you say to people who don’t love their body to the point that it’s affecting relationships?
Step into the idea of body freedom. It is a safe space to see your body for the good that it is. When you start to show up in this way, you give yourself unapologetic permission to show up as you are so you can then show up in that relationship. You may also want to start a gratitude practice and be thankful for what your body does for you every day. Then find a body freedom practice – an action you take that will help you step into this idea of feeling body acceptance, freedom, and love.
Biography:
Elizabeth Dall, M.S., CEP, is the owner of awomanofwellness.com and helps women heal their relationship with food and their bodies and experience joy in wellness. Elizabeth believes every woman has the knowledge of what she truly needs deep within herself and that they can learn to love their bodies, heal their relationship with food, and find joy in exercise and movement. She helps by offering online programs and personalized coaching to women searching for food freedom and a desire to live a happy, healthy lifestyle without limitations.
SHOW NOTES LINKS:
Elizabeth’s two free guides to help you overcome emotional eating and ditch the diets without ditching your goals:
If you’re interested in healing your relationship with your body and food for good and experience a lifetime of freedom from dieting, emotional eating, body shame, and never hitting your goals, join the waitlist for Elizabeth’s signature Food Freedom program experience” http://awomanofwellness.com/foodfreedom
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Martha Kauppi joins me in talking about her book, “Polyamory: A Clinical Toolkit for Therapists (and Their Clients)” which acts as an aid for therapists and serves as a self-help manual for people who are considering polyamory or encountering problems around polyamory.
What is polyamory?
Martha defines polyamory as an open relationship where some or all partners have agreed to have more than one romantic and/or sexual partner. Her book caters to all forms of ethical non-monogamous relationships; even the ones that might have started out rocky.
Is polyamory an identity or a choice?
Martha believes polyamory could be an identity for some and a choice for others. While some consider it something that they choose, others identify themselves as polyamorous because they’ve always known that their relationship dynamic would involve more than one intimate partner. For some, their choice could later develop to be an identity.
Martha says that people choose to be polyamorous for several reasons; they could want to explore their sexuality, a kink, a fetish, or a desire discrepancy that they could not explore with their partner. To resolve the problems in their relationship and fulfill their desires at the same time, people find polyamory a logical option.
The benefits of polyamory
While polyamory allows someone to have multiple partners and experience different kinds of sex, it’s also an opportunity to form a supportive and caring family. People develop communication skills and endurance in a polyamorous relationship, and along the way, it opens one up to personal, relational, and emotional growth. Martha’s book addresses these topics and offers strategies to improve and apply these skills in and outside of the relationship.
Pitfalls and how to overcome them
Martha says that coercion is one of the biggest pitfalls. To avoid it, one has to figure out what they want, feel, or value beyond just the terms of polyamory or monogamy, but what they represent to their partner, and how to come to a place where they can advocate for themself. It eliminates the possibility of being pushed into saying yes but also allows one to expand their thinking and consider all options. Unlike monogamy, in polyamory, people are not subjected to choose between who to pursue. People can choose both or many and decide the dynamics of each relationship.
Emotional regulation and jealousy
Emotional self-regulation helps manage difficult emotions that are triggered in polyamory, such as jealousy. While co-regulation is seen often it’s not always reliable. Martha emphasizes that one has to decide to manage these emotions, and then have an honest and open conversation to address things before they’re revealed in a way that can’t be avoided.
How to make strong agreements
Skills in ‘differentiation of self’ aid in making strong and sustainable agreements. A strong agreement is one that all partners agree on and revisit before it’s broken. It’s more important to figure out how to make a strong agreement one at a time than having one at all.
Martha encourages people to find a therapist who is willing to work with them to develop skills that make it possible to have a relationship that they desire.
Biography:
Martha Kauppi is a marriage and family therapist, educator, and AASECT-certified sex therapist and supervisor with a lifelong career in health and sexuality. Martha specializes in working at the intersection of sex and relational issues. She creates and presents educational materials that are based on theory and scientific knowledge while also being practical, effective, and immediately applicable by therapists and their clients.
Book: Polyamory: A Clinical Toolkit for Therapists (and Their Clients) – released on 15 May 2021. Available at Rowman & Littlefield, Amazon, and in UK outlets
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In this episode of the Better Sex Podcast, host Jessa Zimmerman discusses Peyronie's disease with Dr. Irwin Goldstein, a pioneer in sexual medicine. They explore the causes, diagnosis, and treatment options of the disease, and offer insights into both men's and women's perspectives on the condition.
Dr. Goldstein has been involved with sexual dysfunction research since the late 1970's. He has authored more than 350 publications as well as multiple book chapters and edited 6 textbooks in the field. His interests include penile microvascular bypass surgery, surgery for dyspareunia, sexual health management post cancer treatment, genital dysesthesia/persistent genital arousal disorder, physiologic investigation of sexual function in men and women, and diagnosis and treatment of sexual dysfunction in men and women. Dr. Goldstein is Director of Sexual Medicine at Alvarado Hospital, Clinical Professor of Surgery at University of California, San Diego and practices medicine at San Diego Sexual Medicine. He is also Editor-in-Chief of Sexual Medicine Reviews and past Editor of The Journal of Sexual Medicine. He is a Past President of the International Society for the Study of Women’s Sexual Health and of the Sexual Medicine Society of North America. He holds a degree in engineering from Brown University and received his medical degree from McGill University. The World Association for Sexual Health awarded the Gold Medal to Dr. Goldstein in 2009 in recognition of his lifelong contributions to the field, in 2012 he received the International Society for the Study of Women’s Sexual Health Award for Distinguished Service in Women’s Sexual Health, in 2013 he received the Lifetime Achievement Award from the Sexual Medicine Society of North America, and in 2014 he received the ISSM Lifetime Achievement Award from the International Society for Sexual Medicine. He is happily married to his college sweetheart Sue, and together they have three children and five grandchildren.
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On this episode, Kayla Potts educates us about STIs. She highlights that people often do not display symptoms when they have an STI and recommends testing as the only way to be certain of your status. From Kayla’s experience, she has found that it’s better to specify each individual test you require to your healthcare provider.
When Should You Test for STIs
If you are wondering how often to get tested, Kayla encourages us to test once a year if you have one partner. Multiple partners moves you up to 3 to 6 months. In a perfect scenario, she advocates testing before every partner as well. Bringing up testing can be uncomfortable but Kayla shares easy ways to broach the subject.
The Best Timing for STI Testing
In terms of timelines, some STIs may only reflect positive result weeks or months after infection. Kayla urges us to speak to our health providers to get help around the correct timing for best results. While all STIs are worth knowing about, Kayla mentions that there are very comprehensive tests for the serious types and explains the kinds of infections we can encounter.
Common STIs
HPV, Chlamydia and Ghonoreaha come up as common STIs. Kayla urges us to be aware of these if you are sexually active and ensure that you are responsible. She discusses the two ways we can contract an STI, namely body fluids or skin to skin contact. She digs deeper into Herpes and how one can contract, identify and prevent it.
Using Condoms
Kayla shares in-depth guidance on the use of condoms, dental dams and gloves clearing up a few grey areas including how these should fit. Because of sugars in condoms, she proposes not using flavoured condoms for genital to genital contact and advocates other types instead.
Prevention and Myths
In the conversation around STIs prevention, we learn about vaccines and that the best prevention is abstinence.
With many myths around HIV, Kayla informs that it is not specific to a gender, sexual orientation or a specific sexual act. In addition to this, she flattens any belief that STIs can be passed on via toilet surfaces or air among other common misconceptions.
Background
Kayla Potts is a community outreach educator with Planned Parenthood in Washington state. As an educator, her role includes offering comprehensive, inclusive, and medically-accurate sexual health information to her local community and beyond. Most of her days are spent in the middle. and high school classrooms educating young folks about consent, relationships, birth control methods, STIs, gender, and more.
Kayla has been involved in sexual health education work since volunteering for Planned Parenthood as a high school student. She is particularly passionate about sexual health information that is free of shame and centres pleasure.
Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.
Dr. Lamia Gabal is a Urologist with a sub-specialty in Female Pelvic Medicine and Reconstructive Surgery. She talks about all kinds of concerns women bring to a Urologist, information about the treatment options, and how to go about it.
Sexual issues that bring women to urologists
Women come to urologists for various kinds of sexual concerns. While traditionally urologists were thought to be “Male gynecologists”, Dr Lamia says urologists deal with much more than that. Women come with issues of Urinary Incontinence, Urinary Tract Infection, orgasmic dysfunction, female sexual dysfunction, libido issues, and more. Many women who come with these concerns back away from having sex with their partners because of the embarrassment they feel around it. Sometimes fixing their medical problems also helps them with their sex lives. While male concerns around this subject are already well understood and treated, female sexual dysfunction has only received a “trash can diagnosis”, says Dr. Lamia. There are several types of female sexual dysfunctions and each needs to be treated accordingly.
Urologists also deal with hormonal changes and core dysfunction. Thinning of vaginal tissue as women age can also lead to sexual dysfunction. Pelvic organs prolapse after childbirth can also lead to sexual dysfunction and can be painful.
Medical concerns that drive women away from having sex
There’s an overlap of urologists and gynecologists in the sub-specialty of female pelvic medicine and reconstructive surgery, with each performing their roles. However, not all urologists or gynecologists specialize in the field Dr Lamia does. She categorizes the kinds of concerns patients come in by their age. While most of her patients are post-childbirth age, she also treats young women who come in with issues of painful sex which could be pelvic floor dysfunction or dyspareunia and is usually associated with sexual trauma or PTSD. Women who are of child-bearing age often come in with recurring Urinary Tract infections. Women who are getting older and are past having kids struggle with pelvic organ prolapse, urinary incontinence, and fecal incontinence. All the concerns Dr. Lamia mentioned can drive women away from having sex or from having a satisfying sex life.
According to Dr. Lamia’s advice, women who experience Urinary Tract Infections that have constipation, pelvic prolapse, and vaginal atrophy (thinning of vaginal tissues) should consult a urologist.
Where does sex intersect in terms of conversations with patients?
As a doctor, there’s no training you get in medical school that prepares you to have these conversations about sex with your patients. It’s often one’s interest to seek out more information and awareness that leads to these conversations with patients. Dr Lamia says it’s important to talk about sex with their patients to provide better health care, it aids in understanding how it affects their body and to make important decisions. However, most doctors don’t have these conversations for reasons of not having enough time or not being comfortable enough. Sometimes because of the assumption that an older patient might not be sexually active, which should not be done.
Pelvic Organ Prolapse – treatment options
Pelvic Organ Prolapse commonly occurs after childbirth and is more common with vaginal deliveries. All of these factors put pressure on organs making them lean into the vaginal wall. It increases the risk of urinary incontinence, fecal incontinence, and UTIs, and the most severe case can cause kidney dysfunction. It can be treated by “Pessary” which delays or prevents the need for surgery. Surgeries like cystocele repair, rectocele repair, and slings for incontinence are also an option, but patients can expect them to be redone after 15-20 years. It can impede sexual intercourse when the patient is constipated or something else. The surgery fixes vaginal laxity caused by this which can benefit sexual intercourse for both partners.
Treatment options for Urinary Tract Infections
To treat Urinary Tract Infection, all the other causes of the infection has to be ruled out through either a physical exam, an ultrasound of the kidneys, or a cystoscopy. Dr. Gabal explains some treatments that could help such as maintaining good sexual hygiene, treating constipation, emptying bowels regularly, consuming fiber and a lot of water, peeing before and after sex, using plenty of lubrication that isn’t “warmed or flavored” can help to reduce the infection. Using antibiotics after intercourse and using probiotics to normalize vaginal bacteria can also help. She suggests supplements like cranberry and D-mannose prevent certain types of UTIs.
Conditions That Can Cause Sexual Pain
Dr. Lamia talks about pelvic floor dysfunction as the most common cause of dyspareunia or painful sex. It causes mild pelvic floor muscle spasm to vaginismus where the vagina doesn’t open and causes pain. To treat this, she suggests soaking in a tub, putting heat on the area, or taking muscle relaxant drugs prescribed by the doctor. Pelvic floor physical therapy is the most effective of all and is done by specially trained pelvic floor physical therapists. Post-menopausal vaginal atrophy could also be the cause. She talks about birth control as an understated cause that causes thinning of vaginal tissue and a change in PH levels causing painful sex. She recommends putting topical testosterone mixed with estrogen to treat it.
Biography
Dr. Lamia Gabal, MD, FPMRS, is a board-certified physician who specializes in several areas of medicine, including urology and restorative surgeries. Dr Gabal has more than 20 years of experience in the field of general medicine and urology. The doctor and her staff take great pride in offering many of the newest, cutting-edge treatment options and strive to continually provide the latest in technological advancements.
She graduated from the University of California at San Diego Medical School in 1995 and performed two separate residencies at the UCSD Medical Center. She was the recipient of the “Patient’s Choice Award” from 2011 to 2013. Currently, Dr Gabal serves residents of Southern California at Prestige Medical Group in Santa Ana, CA.
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Alexander Liu joins me in a conversation about his documentary “A Sexplanation”, which talks about his journey of coming out as gay in high school and his continued shame and disconnect over sex in his adult life. He talks about his journey into researching sex and sexuality and his changed conception.
Story Behind the Documentary
With society stigmatizing sex between men, in spite of having supportive parents, Alex went through a difficult mental journey coming out as gay in high school. He felt shame around sex, fantasies, his body, and had a hard time communicating his desires with the other person. His research into a healthy sex life began after opening up to his friends and realizing they had the same concerns.
Evolving Conception of Sex and Sexuality with Research
Soon after he began his research, he found normalcy around fantasies, anal sex, pleasure, and more. He had a revelation about his idea of sex and sexuality not centered around pleasure but around risk factors, health concerns, and societal stigmas. He started out by asking questions about orgasm and porn, which then evolved into him understanding sex and sexuality as sacred. Being introduced to gay sex through religion, Alex didn’t realize it could be something meaningful that he could decide how he wanted to express.
He saw the need to normalize sex, masturbation, and pleasure in the right way for kids and started filming a documentary by interviewing experts from all areas, asking them his questions, doubts, and fears around sex and sexuality.
A Sexplanation
The movie dives into Alex’s narrative and investigates many aspects of coming out, navigating relationships, sexual stigmas, sex life, and communication with a partner. It shows his journey into finding his authentic way of expression and its significance. All of which are relatable to many people of all sexualities who are dealing with issues around sex and meaningful connections.
Examining Porn and Sex Education in “A Sexplanation”
Many seek out porn to see the mechanics of different kinds of sex, but it leaves out the realistic aspect of pleasurable sex. The documentary examines whether kids should be taught about how pleasurable sex works in school, taboo fantasies, and more. It covers talking with people from churches, conservative politicians, and planned parenthood about educating people around these issues.
How can people become sexually literate?
While people can get accurate medical information about oral, anal, and vaginal sex through trusted internet sources and planned parenthood, it’s harder to learn to trust the people closest to you with your fears and doubts. It’s also important to check personal bias and make sure it’s not projecting from a bad place.
Biography:
Writer, Director Alex Liu’s work explores taboo topics like sex and drugs in order to broaden our understanding of science, morality, and how to negotiate a meaningful life. He’s developed two YouTube channels focused on sex and drug education, with over five million views. After studying molecular toxicology at UC Berkeley and Science, Health, and Environmental Reporting at New York University, he produced video, radio, and print content for NOVA ScienceNOW, CNN Health, and San Francisco NPR station KQED.
Resources and links:
Website: asexplanation.com See the trailer and get tickets to stream online.
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Hookup without Heartbreak
Intimacy and relationship coach Lia Holmgren’s new book, Hookup Without Heartbreak, teaches women to let go of negative feelings after casual hook ups/sex, as well as how to reclaim one’s sexual freedom. Learn the do’s and don’ts of casual sex, the history and science behind hooking up, and learn all you need to know before going on that next date.
Casual sex: How do people deal with it?
The main focus of this book is double standards – how casual sex can be widely accepted for men but seen as inappropriate for women. Hormones and neurobiology play a big part as to why women tend to feel more attached after having casual sex than men do. Lia also looks into the role of religion, education, and upbringing to explain why women feel a certain way and why women have so much shame and fear around casual sex.
The do’s and don’ts in casual sex
Lia’s book has 24 tips for women who have caught feelings and then had their hearts broken after casual hookups. These include ways to get over the person, how to deal with hookups who ghost afterwards, how to be safe on dates and how to not feel shame afterwards. The book also talks about how to appreciate the experience and how to have casual sex without any expectations.
How do you discern whether you have the right reasons to hookup?
It’s important for a person to know their intentions before engaging in a casual hookup. Is it a want for sex or a need for intimacy and closeness? Honesty and clear communication with one’s partner is key, as well as being honest with oneself.
Key takeaways
The book aims to teach women that it’s okay to have casual sex for sex, without the shame and guilt. It’s important for men to be more understanding and honest after casual sex. Honesty and clear communication is important for both sides.
Biography:
Lia Holmgren has been an intimacy and relationship coach for more than a decade, guiding her clients through modern challenges and exploring the many roles of power and fantasy. Known for her empathetic nature and direct style, Lia empowers her clients to feel safe in celebrating their authentic sexuality.
Lia holds an M.S. in Negotiation and Conflict Resolution from Columbia University and a B.S. in Biopsychology from Touro University. She is a certified wellness coach and life coach as well as a certified hypnotist. Lia has been featured by numerous media outlets, including NBC Universal, NY Post, Huffington Post, Men’s Health, Curtis and Cosy Show, and more.
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Dr. Rachel Needle joins me in a discussion about anorgasmia. We speak about how it manifests, what we can do about it, and if it’s something that can be turned around. We answer questions that most of us have asked at one point or other in our lives.
What is anorgasmia?
Dr. Rachel defines anorgasmia as ‘a sexual dysfunction characterized by a persistent or recurrent delay in the absence of achieving an orgasm. Some women with anorgasmia have never had an orgasm, and others have experienced a delay. She says that 5 – 10% of biological women have life-long anorgasmia, whilst others have orgasms depending on the situation or the person. She addresses anorgasmia by studying the person’s sexual and relationship history.
What does an orgasm feel like?
Dr. Rachel says that one can recognize an orgasm when one has an involuntary muscle contraction. It can be felt throughout the whole body and can sometimes cause you to lose control of your body. However, recognizing it can depend on whether you’re focused enough to experience all of the sensations that are leading up to it.
Struggles with orgasm & treatment options
She talks about the importance of exploring and experimenting with your body. We miss different sensations when distracted and when we’re thinking only about orgasming. Communicating your needs to your partner and practicing mindfulness can help one to be in the moment. She gives some effective tips to keep yourself and your partner engaged throughout.
Women who have trauma related to sex are prone to life-long anorgasmia. This makes it difficult to be vulnerable during sex; obstructing arousal and orgasm. Biological issues, medications, and the kind of language we use are some contributing factors that can prolong arousal and orgasms.
Acquired and situational anorgasmia
People with acquired anorgasmia used to have normal orgasms, but now cannot. Dr. Rachel suggests figuring out and understanding what and how things have changed since the diagnosis. Those with situational anorgasmia might have difficulty reaching orgasm with one partner, but not face the same difficulty with another partner. They could easily reach an orgasm by themselves, but not with a partner. This happens when one is not comfortable letting themselves be vulnerable experiencing things with a certain partner.
Faking an Orgasm
Dr. Rachel urges people to focus on figuring out how they can achieve an actual orgasm. Instead of telling your partner that you’re faking it, communicate with them about trying new things until you are comfortable enough to experience the orgasm.
Biography
Dr. Rachel Needle is a Licensed Psychologist and Certified Sex Therapist in private practice and the founder and executive director of the Whole Health Psychological Center, comprehensive psychological practice with therapists with a broad range of specialty areas. Dr. Needle is an Adjunct Professor of Psychology in the Department of Behavioral Sciences, in the masters in forensic psychology, and the Doctorate in Criminal Justice programs at Nova Southeastern University. She is the founder and CEO of the Advanced Mental Health Training Institute and Co-Director of Modern Sex Therapy Institutes which provide continuing education to Mental Health and Medical professionals and Sex Therapists around the world.
Dr. Needle has specialized training in the area of substance use disorder. She is a professional consultant to facilities specializing in the treatment of substance use disorders and assists them in expanding and enhancing clinical programming. She also does expert training for staff members at residential and outpatient facilities that specialize in alcohol and substance abuse. Dr. Needle is a business coach and consultant and helps therapists build and thrive in private practice both in-person and online! She is the co-owner of My Private Practice Collective which offers a course on how to start, grow, and thrive in private practice.
Resources and links
Website: drrachel.com
Practice: wholehealthpsych.com
Training & certifications: modernsextherapyinstitutes.com
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233: Talking to Your Doctor About Sex with Dr. Maureen Ryan
00:25:17
In this episode of BetterSex, host Jessa Zimmerman interviews nurse practitioner and sexual health expert, Maureen Ryan. Topics include the importance of discussing sexual health with medical providers, tips for patients to advocate for their sexual health, and the common issues like erectile dysfunction, low desire, sexual performance anxiety, and painful sex. Maureen shares her journey into the field, emphasizing the need for healthcare providers to ask the right questions and provide a safe, non-judgmental environment for patients to discuss intimate concerns. She also highlights the necessity of ongoing education and skills for medical professionals to improve patient care.
00:00 Introduction to BetterSex Podcast
00:46 Meet Maureen Ryan: Passionate About Sexual Health
01:29 Maureen's Journey into Sexual Health
04:43 Challenges in Addressing Sexual Health
06:18 Importance of Healthcare Providers in Sexual Health
09:49 How to Advocate for Your Sexual Health
14:13 Overcoming Dismissive Healthcare Responses
16:32 Educating Healthcare Providers on Sexual Health
As a nurse practitioner and sexuality counselor, I believe that love and intimacy are essential to human happiness. Through confidential virtual sessions, I support individuals and couples in overcoming barriers to sexual satisfaction, allowing for deeper connections and enhanced love and affection.
I hold a Doctorate in Nursing Practice and am dual licensed as an Adult Health Nurse Practitioner (AHNP) and Women’s Health Nurse Practitioner (WHNP). Additionally, I am an AASECT Certified Sexuality Counselor (CSC) and am a National Board-Certified Health and Wellness Coach (NBC-HWC).
As an approved Continuing Education Provider (CEP), I hold accreditation from both the California Board of Registered Nursing and the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists (AASECT).
Acknowledging the profound influence that addressing sexual health concerns can have on people’s lives, I am deeply passionate about educating healthcare providers on matters of sexual health, emphasizing its significance in enhancing the overall quality of life.
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135: Optimal Sexual Experiences – Dr. Peggy Kleinplatz
00:52:05
In this episode, Dr. Kleinplatz introduces her findings around “optimal sexual experiences” based on actual interviews she performed. After much research, she shares these eight components couples need to have to eventually reach an optimal sexual experience:
1. Being totally absorbed in the moment
2. Sharing a connection with your partner
3. Deep sexual and erotic intimacy
4. High levels of empathic communication
5. Fun, laughter, exploration and good risk-taking
6. Authenticity
7. Vulnerability
8. Transcendence
Her findings show that people begin to seek these experiences around their mid 50’s. Part of the process of discovery is unlearning much of what we know about sex growing up. Spontaneity arises as one of the behaviors to “unlearn “ as Peggy candidly shares her views on this.
Anyone can get there!
Peggy has found that people with chronic illnesses are enjoying magnificent sex! In an unexpected twist of events, Peggy’s co-workers proved that presumed stereotypes are false. She shares that consent is a major piece of the puzzle and contributes to empathic communication.
Peggy educates us about moving from good to magnificent sex explaining that getting to know each other on an ongoing basis builds trust to explore deeper levels of your relationship.
We learn about differentiation and how it impacts reaching optimal sexual experiences while identifying that therapy has to be customized to each individual.
To reach for the optimal sexual experience goal, Peggy highlights that respect for each other is crucial.
Background
Peggy J. Kleinplatz, Ph.D., is a Professor in the Faculty of Medicine and Director of Sex and Couples Therapy Training at the University of Ottawa, Canada. She was awarded the Prix d?Excellence in 2000 for her teaching of Human Sexuality. She is a Certified Sex Therapist and Educator.
She is the Director of the Optimal Sexual Experiences Research Team of the University of Ottawa and has a particular interest in sexual health in the elderly, disabled, and marginalized populations.
Kleinplatz has edited four books, notably New Directions in Sex Therapy:
Innovations and Alternatives (2012), winner of the AASECT 2013 Book Award,
Sadomasochism: Powerful Pleasures with Charles Moser, Ph.D., M.D. (2006)
Sexuality and Ageing with Walter Bouman, M.D. (2015).
She is the author with A. Dana Menard, Ph.D. of Magnificent Sex: Lessons from Extraordinary Lovers
In 2015, Kleinplatz received the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists Professional Standard of Excellence Award.
Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.
Understanding and Treating Erectile Dysfunction with Dr. Jeff Nuziard
In this episode of Better Sex, host Jessa Zimmerman welcomes Dr. Jeff Nuziard to discuss erectile dysfunction (ED). They delve into the misconceptions around ED, particularly the false notion that blood flow is the primary issue. Dr. Nuziard shares his personal journey with ED, beginning at age 40, and his research which led to developing a patented treatment protocol that focuses on hormone balance and collagen regeneration. The episode explores traditional and new treatment methods, including hormone replacement therapy, PRP shots, and acoustic shockwave therapy, emphasizing the importance of treating the root cause rather than just the symptoms. They also touch on the broader implications of hormone imbalance and collagen loss in both men and women, showcasing innovative treatment options available through Sexual Wellness Centers of America and RegenMax.
00:00 Welcome to Better Sex: Unveiling the Show
00:51 Diving Deep into Erectile Dysfunction: A Tough Topic
01:40 Dr. Jeff Nuziard's Personal Journey and Breakthrough in ED
06:29 Unraveling the Myths of Erectile Dysfunction
08:50 The Hormonal Connection: Testosterone's Role in Aging and ED
13:58 A New Perspective on Hormone Levels and Health
16:02 The Future of Hormone Testing and Management
18:36 Navigating Sexual Wellness: Understanding Hormonal Balance
19:19 Breaking the Silence: Addressing Desire Discrepancy
20:01 Exploring Traditional Treatments for Sexual Dysfunction
After a twenty-year career as a CFP, Dr. Jeff Nuziard completely reinvented his life after finding himself wholly a-sexual and unable to perform at the age of 40. After selling his financial book of business, he was determined to fix this performance issue without the use of pills or surgery. After 15 years of study, research, development, and testing, he discovered the actual cause of Erectile Dysfunction and how to reverse and cure the problem. After completing a 250-patient clinical study, this discovery led to a Doctorate in Bio-Medical Science and the issuance of the only Globally patented cure for Erectile Dysfunction with a 97.2% success rate. This patented multi-modality cure is known as REGENmax®.
Jeff Founded and oversees Sexual Wellness Centers of America, LLC in 2020, located in Colleyville, Texas, where his staff treats both ED and Vaginal dysfunction. While maintaining a 97.2% success rate and the Patent issued, Jeff now spends his time teaching and working with practitioners to obtain licensure for his protocols and help people worldwide.
Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.
After having gone through menopause and being surprised by the event, Michelle discusses her journey to finding out more about it and how to make it easier for other women. She shares her experience after taking the pill, then finding out that she had a mass in her uterus thus leading her to undergo an Endometrial Biopsy. Michelle was unhappy with her body and realized that other women were probably going through the same horrific experience.
Common Problems in Menopause
She discusses how disruptive menopause can be especially since we are not prepared like we are for other age milestones in our lives. From her experience, externally women report weight gain and on internal issues women struggle with their ability to make decisions and encounter an identity crisis.
Michelle notes that doctors don’t know enough to help patients and this can leave women in a worse position. She also discusses loss of libido that comes up as a very common symptom of menopause and bleeding into our relationships. Michelle explains vaginal atrophy and urethral atrophy that can come with menopause.
The Four Pillars of Thriving in Menopause
The key to understanding menopause is to understand hormones. Dr. Gordon discusses 4 pillars which include science, supporting ourselves with diet, movement and the brain.
In terms of dealing with menopause, Michelle says there is no single answer for every woman. She encourages reflection and reinvention during our menopause journeys as each one is unique.
Dr Gordon is a Board-Certified General Surgeon and founder of Gordon Surgical Group, a multi-specialty group practice in 2005. GSG serves the lower Hudson Valley of New York.
She is also the author of Managing Menopause which you can find on her website.
Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.
Challenge as an opportunity? Listen as Lara describes the context of conflict. She discusses how the components of assumption, judgment and expectation lead to a reaction.
Tune in to the Body’s Signal
What is the significance of the physical reaction to an impending conflict? Hear Lara describe the mental and physical connection between emotions and conflict.
Two Triggers
An emotional trigger can make people think of a violent event. Rather Lara focuses on triggered reactions in conflict situations. Listen as Lara discusses how triggered reactions that are our habits and patterns, can result in negative outcomes.
Desire Paths
Hear Lara illustrate the importance of Desire paths and the connection to our own emotional patterns. She discusses the connection between reactions and our own emotional connections and past.
Raising self-awareness in order to be prepared
What does self-awareness have to do with assumptions and preparation for a conflict? The seemingly preordained assumption follows with an associated judgment that leads to an expectation. Hear Lara describe how these emotional perspectives are connected and lead us into patterns.
After-action review
Hear Lara talk about a realistic methodology in order to assess conflict to improve future situations. After allowing for an emotional cooldown, Lara suggests reflecting on the outcome, what happened before the outcome and what the assumptions were leading up to the situation. And importantly for future improvement, “How would I like to act or react differently next time so that this type of scenario doesn’t happen again?”
An Example of Personal Conflict
Listen as Lara provides an example of a couple having difficulty in their relationship and what she suggests in order to better improve their situation. Communication and reflection provide two of the key ways to improve the situation. Hear Lara describe how the individuals in this situation can improve their relationship. Is curiosity important in this situation? Lara says yes, hear why.
After Action Review
In conflict, but not having a conflict? What are the signals in your own body that tell you something is wrong? Join in as Lara describes protective emotions that signal the presence of conflict.
Conflict Personality Types
Hear Lara describe four of the main different conflict personality types and how these personality types can show up actively and passively during a conflict.
Listen as Lara gives examples and describes at length these four conflict personality types: the Pleaser-Fixer, the Victim-Blamer, the Perfectionist-Controller, and the Innocent-Avoider. Learn how each of these affects conflict and communication in interpersonal scenarios.
Self-Reflection and Awareness
Listen to Lara discuss how recognizing your own conflict personality type can help you reflect in order to improve communication in future conflict situations.
Deconstruction of Conflict – Communicating in the Emotional Language
How do you feel? Lara emphasizes the connection between learning and communicating. She describes the three main ways that people learn as kinesthetically, auditorily and doing. And then she connects these elements to demonstrate how to improve communication and emotional interactions based on these learning preferences.
Avoiding Escalation
Is it as simple as going outside or taking a walk? Lara offers some simple advice to help couples improve communication.
About Lara Currie
Lara Currie is an interpersonal conflict resolution specialist with over 25 years of experience in high conflict positions. Author of the book “Difficult Happens”, Lara has a unique perspective assisting business owners and professionals improve interpersonal relationships in the workplace in order to best achieve a client’s goals and business objectives. She has a passion for empowering individuals to create positive and profound connections in order to live with less stress to ensure the best success.
Her understanding of interpersonal dynamics in difficult situations enables her clients to better navigate tumultuous situations with curiosity and self-reflection that allow clients to Prepare for, Recognize and Navigate difficult people and topics.
Links and How to contact Lara Currie
Books by the Author: Currie, L. (2017). Difficult Happens.
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#8: Jessica Butts – Do Opposites Attract? How Different Personality Types Affect Your Sex Life
00:37:44
I often hear from clients about how much they struggle when they're different from each other. In the beginning, we were attracted to this other way of being. We were interested because this person was so different from us. But what intrigued us in the beginning is what often drives us nuts later in the relationship. So even though opposites attract, they can run into misunderstanding and frustration later.
Sometimes I hear, "I want to be spontaneous and my partner always needs everything planned and scheduled."
Or, "I want to have sex to feel connected. That's how I feel connected to my partner." While the other person is saying, "I need to feel connected first before I'm going to want to have sex with you."
Or, when something is wrong in the relationship,there are people that want to dig in and solve it right away and make sure they're coming to a resolution with their partner and that they're both feeling good. But their partner may be of the type that needs to go away and process internally and doesn't want to come back and address the issue until they have it worked out in their mind.
These are just some examples of how different people can be from their partner in ways that can cause problems. So, I thought it might be fascinating to have a guest on who specializes in personality type assessment come in and talk about how personality type might impact your sex life.
In this episode, we talk about how personality type is really just about energy, where we give our best energy and where we get our best energy. Jessica says that types are on a continuum or scale, that it's not an "either/or" scenario. You aren't an introvert or an extrovert, but a combination of both, maybe leaning towards one side. So, you're more introverted or tend to be more extroverted.
In our discussioni, we try to figure out the different ways people show up on this particular assessment and how that might show up in a relationship and specifically with sex.
This just gives you another way to think about the differences between you and your partner. How neither person is wrong or broken, but how you have to work together with a different person and make a sex life in a relationship that's going to work for both of you.
My special guest today is Jessica Butts. She is the CEO and founder of FrontSeatLife.org, where she inspires, motivates and educates people to live their life from what she calls their "front seat," using their innate personality type as measured by the Myers-Briggs.
She calls herself a retired psychotherapist since she's not in practice anymore, and she's now a life and business coach and Myers-Briggs expert who is on a mission really to inspire other people to accomplish magnificent things by embracing their innate type.
And one thing you're going to hear her say is to be unapologetically who you are. She's passionate about personal development, traveling, deep connections with people in her life and helping create a hose for her clients.
And I'm so delighted that she's agreed to come on the show and talk to us about Myers-Briggs and sex.
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201: Barriers to Female Sexual Pleasure – Kristine D’Angelo
00:32:39
Certified sex coach Kristine D’Angelo talks about pleasure and feeling empowered when it comes to sex, especially for vagina owners. Conversationally, she tackles the most common barriers for vagina owners in achieving sexual pleasure and the kinds of expectations that they’re up against based on societal standards. The differences and similarities between sex coaches and sex therapist are also discussed so people can make the best choice when seeking help.
What’s the difference between sex coaching and sex therapy?
Sex coaching is very much about behavioral changes and practicing those changes in order to feel confident and more connected to your body in order to achieve pleasure. Sex therapy is forming a strong relationship first, and where sex coaching can be built off of.
Why specialize in coaching women?
Kristine wants to watch women step back into their sexuality and become confident and comfortable and advocate for their pleasure. She has been in a position where she has lost her power during a sexual encounter, and she knows how helpless that can make a person feel.
What are the different pressures that make it even more difficult for vagina owners to achieve sexual fulfillment?
One of the biggest obstacles is constant comparison – from comparing themselves to other vagina owners, to comparing their body to the idol standards of what society thinks is beautiful. This behavior tends to work inwards rather than outwards, where women start to think that there is something wrong with them and that they are below societal standards. Also, women are not explicitly given permission to explore their sexuality in our society as opposed to men.
What would people expect working with you or somebody like you?
Through holistic coaching, different questions are asked, like, “Where do you want your sex life to be six months from now without worrying what could get in the way or what could go wrong?” By describing your ideal sex life, a sex coach would then ask you to do home assignments based on a customized action plan.
Biography:
Kristine D’Angelo is a Certified Sex Coach who works with women and couples, coaching her clients towards sexual fulfillment. Kristine has worked hard creating a safe and comfortable space for her clients to explore and embrace their sexuality. She’s always exposing herself to learning in depth about human sexuality, relationships, being an ally to the LGBTQ community and volunteering for organizations that promote a sex-positive society.
Kristine holds a degree in Sociology and Community Health and certification through Sex Coach U. She has always been drawn to human interactions and has focused on human sexuality as her main passion in life and path in education. The hard work her clients experience encourages her to change the world through sexually enlightening and empowering people through her sex coaching.
“Watching my clients become sexually empowered is the highlight of my life’s work, I want the world to experience this level of self-awareness.”
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Our topic today is about getting closer to God through pleasure. I’m talking to Rachel Alba, who is a sex coach for people raised in Christian traditions that are struggling with shame or negativity around sex, and are at a point in their lives where they’re willing to take that on and try to transform that into something positive.
She shares her personal story of her journey around this, and a lot about the idea of faith development. And opening up to new ideas about sex and then how to explore that and reduce the kind of shame response that people can have.
Rachel works as a sex coach specifically for people who are coming from Christian backgrounds. And she got into that specifically because she was raised Roman Catholic and was led to believe sex is a space for us to really come back to the Garden of Eden and very much experience union with each other, union with the divine, even a fuller union with ourselves at the same time. And that’s a really positive viewpoint that Rachel was exposed to in her particular parish, this sense that sex is really good and pleasure is really good. And we can experience God’s grace through those things.
Sex, Pleasure, Shame, and Christianity
Our discussion dives deep into the history of attitudes surrounding sex, pleasure and shame within Christianity. And how so many people come from a place of spirituality. One of the first things Rachel does, is to remind people is that shame is actually a positive thing, which can sound a bit crazy.
But she points out that our initial shame response is actually meant to protect us. So, it’s positive in the sense where it was meant to protect us. And a lot of times what happens is we just didn’t ever actually like grow out of that shame response that we had around sexuality.
God created your body for pleasure.
Rachel says that God didn’t give us nerve endings simply because we need them to be able to like, feel textures on trees. She believes God gave us pleasure and the ability to experience pleasure, because God wants us to experience pleasure.
About Rachel
Rachel is a certified Clinical Sexologist and holds a Masters of Arts in Theology and Ministry from Boston College. She comes to Clinical Sexology (sex coaching) with a decade of experience as a massage therapist and extensive knowledge of anatomy and physiology. Her work combines: developmental spirituality, sexology & anatomy, sex-positive theology, and mindful sensuality to help clients from Christian backgrounds let go of any lingering sexual shame, experience more pleasure, grow in their communication and sexual skills, all while deepening their spirituality. Other things I love are: sangria, playing piano and singing, and the 1970’s film version of Jesus Christ Superstar.
Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.
Jessica Drake is an adult film performer, writer, and director. She’s also a sexual health advocate and sex educator. Her onscreen work earned her numerous awards, including three AVN Best Actress Awards. Jessica is a graduate of San Francisco Sex Information (SFSI) and a member of the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists (AASECT). To encourage sexual health and wellness, Ms. Drake conceived and produced the award-winning “Guide to Wicked Sex” videos exploring and demonstrating different aspects of human sexuality with knowledge, experience, and good humor. Her advocacy for improved sexual education, broader awareness of sexual health, and her positive portrayal of the adult industry has led to multiple international speaking engagements and being featured in Cosmopolitan, The Daily Beast, CNBC, Playboy, Forbes, the Huffington Post, and more. She is a powerful advocate for sexual health and sexual education, improving the wellbeing and lives of her audiences.
From Performing to Educating
While Jessica was paying her way through school as an exotic dancer, she recalls meeting a group of people who worked in pornography and invited her to get involved. She says she initially took them up on their offer by doing softcore, solo magazine shoots and working as an extra in edgier, sexier shows on HBO, Cinemax, and Showtime. When her friends offered to show her a porn shoot and let her help out behind the scenes, Jessica was shocked by how much the reality of shooting pornography varied from her preconceptions. At this shoot, she “fell in love” with the controlled and safe eroticism, self-expression, and creativity afforded by filming pornography. She discusses performing in porn films soon thereafter, and signing a contract with Wicked a full decade after filming her first movie.
Jessica describes the beginning of her work for Wicked as an actress dedicated to her craft, whether she was delivering scripted lines or performing intimate scenes. She explains that her interest in educating the public started when people would approach her with questions about sex during her promotional appearances at adult stores. From their questions, Jessica deduced a real need for education about fundamental elements of human sexuality, so she created her video series, “Jessica Drake’s Guide to Wicked Sex,” to augment her educational talks and workshops, and meet that need for sexual education.
Ethics in the Sex Industry
Jessica shares her perspective on mainstream media, labeling it as condescending towards the porn industry, often using buzzwords like ‘trafficking’ and ‘coercion’ to sensationalize their stories. Despite these stories, she asserts that she’s never seen or heard of anyone being coerced or pressured into doing porn; pointing out that trafficking is not welcomed in the industry at all. She lists the legal documents, contracts, codes of conduct, and proofs of identity that people must complete in order to film for any studio and explains that many groups, from anti-porn feminists to religious fundamentalists have reasons to oppose the porn industry, but is aware their opposition largely stems from misinformation. While she admits that some abuse has happened in the past, she argues that modern performers are more vocal about this although coercive and unethical practices are very rare in the industry and are rooted in hearsay.
Civil Rights of Sex Workers
The rights sex workers should be afforded are basic human rights, according to Jessica. Currently, she explains that lawmakers pass legislation that can endanger the lives and livelihoods of sex workers under the guise of preventing trafficking. She recounts a story in which she was asked to sign a petition to “help poor women in porn” who were being abused. She explains that the porn industry is so marginalized and stigmatized that starting these campaigns is common and often leads to legislation that infringes upon the civil rights of sex workers.
Porn as Sexual Education
Jessica reminds us that the porn industry isn’t responsible for providing sexual education, but she admits that many parents’ reticence to discuss sexuality with their children, and legal restrictions leading to practices such as abstinence-only sex ed, has created a knowledge gap that porn is inadvertently filling. In watching porn, many viewers erroneously expect to be able to emulate what they see and receive the same results shown in porn movies. To combat this misinformation, Jessica explains that she pursued educational credentials to create her series of guides. Her videos have her narration throughout, interviews with the performers, and two or three hardcore demonstrative scenes to highlight the practical applications of the information conveyed. With this she has started building credibility as an educator, with increasing appearances at prestigious educational venues. Due to these appearances, she says that she’s worked to fight the stigma against sex and sex education.
Porn movies, Jessica discusses, usually present a streamlined, polished, finished product. She describes her educational videos as differing by showing the nonlinear and more technical aspects of having sex, like applying lube, putting on condoms, and locating specific places on human bodies. She explains that she’s also educated people about communication during sex, massage, body worship, and navigating sex with plus sized partners.
Creating Senior Sex
Jessica describes meeting and bonding with Joan Price at a conference. Several years later, Jessica invited Joan Price to collaborate with her on Senior Sex, a video that helps senior citizens navigate talking about sex, approach kink, and even find new partners. She discussed her difficulties casting senior sex; she wanted to cast people of color in the film to help the content be relatable to more audiences, but was unable to book any by filming time. Jessica is particularly effusive about senior sex, due to society training people to be repulsed by the idea of wrinkles, old age, and sexuality in old age. She reminds us that we’re all ‘seniors in training’ to help us overcome our cultural prejudices.
Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.
247: How Stress Blocks Desire with Danielle Savory
00:33:14
In this episode of the Better Sex Podcast, host Jessa Zimmerman engages with mindfulness and pleasure coach Danielle Savory to explore the intertwined roles of mindfulness, self-compassion, and stress management in enhancing sexual desire and intimacy. The discussion delves into the physiological and psychological impacts of stress on sexual connection, emphasizing the different ways men and women handle stress and the resulting challenges. Practical techniques to improve mindfulness and awareness during sexual interactions are provided, alongside strategies for managing stress individually and within relationships. The episode also outlines personal experiences and transformations, underscoring the importance of self-regulation, creating personal safety, and fostering deeper connections using self-compassionate practices.
00:00 Welcome to Better Sex
00:50 Introducing Danielle Savory: Mindfulness and Pleasure Coach
01:36 Danielle's Journey to Mindfulness and Pleasure
06:07 The Connection Between Mindfulness and Sexual Pleasure
09:03 Understanding Stress and Its Impact on Pleasure
14:35 Gender Differences in Handling Stress and Sexual Pleasure
Danielle Savory is a master-certified coach, public speaker, and passionate advocate for women’s pleasure, bringing science-backed data into the life-altering power of pleasure. With a deep, personal understanding of the challenges women face, Danielle is devoted to helping them reclaim their sexuality and reconnect with their bodies. She has successfully guided hundreds of women to overcome body shame, break free from societal expectations, and embrace the passionate lives they deserve. Danielle believes that pleasure isn’t a luxury—it’s essential to a woman’s overall health and happiness.
Rooted in neurology, Danielle’s approach emphasizes that every woman is inherently wired for pleasure, and tapping into that pleasure is crucial for optimal well-being—enhancing immunity, focus, creativity, and vitality. Having overcome her own struggles with body image, mixed messages about sex and past traumas, she now shares her wisdom and experience with others, helping them step into their power and fully embrace their pleasure. Whether through her coaching, speaking engagements, podcast, or courses, Danielle is on a mission to help women live lives they are truly in love with—where they are deeply satisfied, fully alive, and boldly standing up for what they believe.
Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.
Lisa Schwartz is here with me to talk about the intersection of ADD/ADHD with relationships and sex. We go over how ADD/ADHD can show up in various ways, strategies to build an intimate relationship, and how ADD is not just a disorder.
Definition- Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD)
Lisa’s personal experience with ADD has helped her work with patients in her practice. She says that people with ADD can hyper-focus on things that grab their interest. While doing that, they may not be able to focus on things that are not of interest to them.
Recognizing the behaviors of ADD/ADHD
From her experience with patients in her practice, Lisa lists several behaviors such as disorganization, not being present, short-term memory issues, lack of energy, and more, that people with ADD exhibit. One can be recognized as having ADD when one or more of these behaviors begins to show themselves.
How does ADD/ADHD show up in sex and relationships?
Lisa uses David Reed’s Erotic Stimulus Pathway model and Dennis Dailey’s model of sexual beings to explain how ADD shows up in sex and relationships. Reed’s model around sexual functioning talks about seduction, sensation, surrender and reflection. Lisa describes how ADD/ADHD interrupts relationships with one’s partner, sexual and otherwise. Dailey’s model of sexual beings categorizes human beings into sensuality, intimacy, identity, reproduction, and sexualization. These categories show up to affect individuals with ADD and their partners in sex and relationships.
Tips for people with ADD/ADHD in terms of sex and relationships
Lisa advises people with ADD/ADHD to take their medication to keep their focus, plan their sexual activities on a leisure day to conserve their energy, build an environment comfortable for both partners and practice mindfulness to stay present.
It’s also important for partners to identify ADD/ADHD and view it as separate from them in a way that doesn’t impact their efforts to work on it collaboratively.
Final thoughts
Lisa leaves us with the message that ADD/ADHD is not necessarily a disorder, but to be viewed as something positive that enhances creativity and passion.
Biography:
Sexuality educator and psychotherapist with more than 20 years of experience, Lisa B. Schwartz has a doctorate in Human Sexuality Education and a master’s degree in Psychological Services from the University of Pennsylvania.
Dr Schwartz has a private psychotherapy practice and has specialized in the area of sexuality issues since 1994. Welcoming to a diverse clientele, and varying relational partnering (couples, thrupples and others), she works with clients on a wide range of sexuality issues: for example, issues about the impact of ADD/ADHD, change in sexual desire, infidelity and enhancing sexual experiences.
Licensed by the State of Pennsylvania and New Jersey to practice Marriage and Family Therapy, Lisa B. Schwartz also is licensed to provide telehealth in Pennsylvania, New Jersey and Florida. She earned her certificate in Marriage and Family Therapy in an in-depth, three-year program offered by the Family Institute of Philadelphia. In addition, she is a sex therapist certified by the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists.
Dr Schwartz received specialty training in relationship and sex therapy on diagnosing and treating erectile dysfunction. She remains current about sexuality issues by participating in continuing education programs.
Lisa B. Schwartz is a Clinical Member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists, a member of the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists, the Association for Women in Psychology and the Society for Sex Therapy and Research.
Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.
71: Dr. Sheila Addison - When Your Partner is Transgender
00:53:11
This episode is a wealth of information. It is delivered by the expert guidance of guest Dr. Sheila Addison and covers many important elements of transgender and cisgender relationships, the transgender community in general, post-surgery sex, sex between cisgender and transgender partners, how identities are designated at birth, the psychology and complexities of gender identity, and that’s just the tip of the iceberg!
Dr. Sheila has a PhD in Marriage and Family Therapy. She has a private practice where her client base is about as diverse as it gets, ranging from LBGTQ to Poly Friendly and more. She has an amazing mind and qualified to boot, and her message is absolutely, overwhelmingly important when considering the challenges that the transgender community face and what cisgender people can do to help!
Transgender Versus Cisgender
To start, Dr. Sheila reminds listeners that we have all been designated as a ‘boy’ or ‘girl’ at birth. This excludes a small number of people who are born as “intersex”, which means their genitals are ambiguous and thus difficult to determine definitively (Gender isn’t binary in any sense – whether you’re talking about genitals or chromosomes; maybe another episode on this later). But for the majority of people, the gender they are assigned at birth fits with their gender identity as they develop throughout life. If you fall into the category, you are cisgender. The ‘cis’ prefix corresponds to mean ‘same’.
On the other end of the spectrum, if you haven’t positively identified with the gender that was assigned to you at birth, you are transgender.
For those who are born without a clear designation of male or female, the gender identity process can be much more complex than the binary ‘boy or girl’ designations that normally occur at birth. Dr. Sheila eloquently explains the nuances during the talk. Listen in!
The Importance of Furthering Education on Gender Identity
Dr. Sheila stresses the importance of seeing cisgender and transgender as identities and not conditions. As the nomenclature has shifted and the identities have garnered more societal understanding, Sheila still wishes we that we all had more comprehensive learning opportunities for the cisgender/transgender relationship dynamic and everything the identity entails.
Sheila states that an important place to start is being educated enough on the topic to know which questions to ask. And because it’s inevitable that transgender and cisgender individuals will become romantically and sexually involved, the sooner efforts are taken for a balanced understanding, the better.
On a Cisgender and Transgender Relationship
Providing comfort for a transgender individual is an important role for a cisgender person. This means that the cisgender person is not trying to process the challenges of being transgender so much, but just communicating and giving comfort. She talks about the importance of getting the guidance of a good couple’s therapist–one who can spearhead and direct the processing of certain emotions and feelings.
In addition to this very important component, Sheila also devotes some time to discuss the importance of the social aspect of gender identity. She also talks about making sure you understand what your transgender partner is envisioning when they talk about transitioning, and so forth. Really, really important information within.
Transgender Surgery and Sexual Expectations
This is a rich part of the interview. There’s a lot of ground that is covered and listening along is a must. But to summarize a few important elements: communicating about physical expectations after surgery is very important for sex. There are many variations and options for each individual, so having discussions about expectations is crucial.
And because genitalia will function the same after surgery, during a transition from cisgender to transgender, the individual going through that transformation needs support first and foremost.
Sit with Your Ambiguity
Dr. Sheila encourages you to be more curious in your attraction – mot to make a huge statement, but to lessen our societal tendency to limit our own desires and attractions. So often we get in our own way when it comes to sexual attraction and openness; Sheila encourages you to ‘be a scientist’. This means to keep an open mind despite current societal pressures to do the opposite.
Taking a Stand for Transgender People
One of the most important things for a cisgender person to do for their transgender partner is to take a stand for them. This means being actively involved in making society more welcoming and comfortable for transgender people. Having that social presence is a positive reinforcement for transgender partners and should not be taken lightly!
If you’re enjoying the podcast and want to be a part of making sure it continues in the future, consider being a patron. With a small monthly pledge, you can support the costs of putting this show together. For as little as $2 per month, you can get advance access to each episode. For just a bit more, you will receive an advance copy of a chapter of my new book. And for $10 per month, you get all that plus an invitation to an online Q&A chat with me once a quarter. Learn more at https://www.patreon.com/bettersexpodcast
Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.
#35: [Personal Story] Marina - Journey of Liberation
00:51:31
A personal story of sexual liberation
In this episode, I talk to Marina, who shares her personal journey from struggles with her self-image and a painful first sexual experience, to finally feeling liberated with a happier sex life.
The first time: a painful experience
As a teenager, Marina tells us that she struggled with self-image and was therefore excited when, at age sixteen, a “cool kid” from another school showed interest in her.
Listen in as Marina shares her first sexual experience with him and the devastating consequences that affected her for years afterward. She shares her conflicting feelings at the time of the encounter, being unsure but caught in an uncomfortable situation.
Drunk sex and the noise in my head
Marina tells us she didn’t realize how devastated she had been and how painful that first sexual experience had been for her, for years to come. In these years, Marina tells us that all of her sexual encounters were under the influence of alcohol or something else because it was too painful for her to experience them sober.
We hear how she describes the noise in her head and how it would perpetuate her feeling disgusted in her body. She couldn’t understand why any man would want her. Listen in to hear in her own words how this affected her.
Relationships
Marina would come to realize in a counseling session, how impactful her first sexual experience was for her, but in the meantime tells us that even with her first husband she would need to be drunk to have sex.
She shares her second marriage is when she started having sober sex, but was still uncomfortable and not ready to experiment. Tune in to learn how this affected her second marriage.
Your feelings come from your thinking
Prior to splitting up with her second husband, Marina had a breakthrough moment where she realized how much she was overthinking during sex. She tells us how going to seminars, reading and working on herself, calmed all the noise in her head.
She came to realize that, “Your feelings come from your thinking, not from your circumstances or other people”. Gradually, this led to her becoming more comfortable being sober in bed.
Tinder Romance
We hear how Marina started to realize that her body was beginning to crave sex. She turned to Tinder and was matched with a man she felt comfortable experimenting with...and enjoyed it!
Join us as she shares how she feels more in tune with her own body and explains how much of a liberation this journey to self-awareness has been.
Words of advice and encouragement
There are two books, in particular, Marina mentions that have revolutionized the way she thinks about sex. “The New Rules of Sex” by Lauren Brim and “Pussy: A Reclamation” by Regena Thomashauer.
She also suggests starting the conversation about sex with friends, which was what first got Marina thinking about masturbating and exploring her body without feeling shameful. Sex can be a taboo topic but Marina tells listeners to get curious about your own beliefs and consider how much you may be overthinking sex.
The Joy of Being
Marina suggests we tune in to her podcast: The Joy of Being, where she discusses how we can lead a more joyful and pleasure-led life. Her final thoughts: “Be open to change. You never know how you may feel until you try it”.
If you’re enjoying the podcast and want to be a part of making sure it continues in the future, consider being a patron. With a small monthly pledge, you can support the costs of putting this show together. For as little as $2 per month, you can get advance access to each episode. For just a bit more, you will receive an advance copy of a chapter of my new book. And for $10 per month, you get all that plus an invitation to an online Q&A chat with me once a quarter. Learn more at https://www.patreon.com/bettersexpodcast
Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.
241: Sex and Our Stress Response with Rachel Posner
00:31:53
Understanding Stress Responses and Mindfulness in Intimate Relationships
In this episode of the Better Sex podcast, host and sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman interviews Rachel Posner, who discusses the importance of understanding and managing stress responses in intimate relationships. Rachel explains the body's stress mechanisms like fight, flight, or freeze responses, and how these can affect our connections and sexual encounters. She emphasizes the significance of mindfulness and practical techniques like breath awareness to regulate the nervous system, aiming for greater safety, connection, and pleasure in relationships. Various strategies and the benefits of mindfulness are explored to help listeners lower their stress levels for improved intimacy.
00:00 Introduction to Better Sex Podcast
00:53 Interview with Rachel Posner: Understanding Stress Responses
01:59 Exploring the Nervous System and Stress Triggers
12:29 Impact of Stress on Relationships and Sexual Experiences
16:52 Mindfulness Practices for Reducing Stress
20:51 Practical Tips for Mindfulness and Relaxation
Rachel Posner, C-IAYT, E-RYT, is a yoga therapist and mindfulness coach helping people reduce stress, build resilience and thrive. She offers individual yoga therapy sessions, mindfulness courses, yoga memberships and retreats. Her work is informed by the intersection of mindfulness, neuroscience and psychology and her teachings integrate best practices for the mind, body and brain. Rachel has been in the wellness field for 24 years and is driven by a deep desire to help people feel calm, connected and engaged in their lives. You can learn more at www.rachelposner.com
Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.
In this episode of the Better Sex podcast, host and sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman is joined by expert Diane Gleim to discuss the concept of porn literacy. Diane explains the importance of understanding porn as a form of entertainment and not education, recognizing its business nature, and being aware of the sophisticated filmmaking techniques used. The conversation delves into the moral incongruence many viewers feel, the unrealistic expectations set by mainstream porn, and how these can impact real-life intimate relationships. Diane also shares information about her online course designed to provide a comprehensive understanding of porn literacy.
Diane Gleim is an award-winning Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and AASECT Certified SexTherapist and Supervisor practicing in person and via telehealth in California. She treats the many diverse issues related to sexual identity, sexual expression, sexual behavior, and sexual relationships. Her clients include everyone with a sexual concern: individuals and couples ages 18-85, and the LGBTQ+, kinky, and poly populations.
Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.
In this episode of Better Sex, host Jessa Zimmerman welcomes Christine Miles, an expert in the skill of listening, to discuss its significance in intimate relationships and beyond. The conversation delves into the importance of actively cultivating listening skills rather than relying on innate ability. Christine shares her own background and how understanding her mother's underlying pain led her to become an empathetic listener. The episode explores common pitfalls and barriers to effective listening, such as digital distractions and emotional defenses, and offers strategies to overcome them. Christine elaborates on a structured approach to listening, presenting six foundational tools that help engage with the speaker's story comprehensively. She emphasizes the power of understanding in fostering connection and resolving conflicts. The discussion also touches on the importance of empathy and how it naturally follows structured listening. Christine is launching a classroom program aimed at teaching children listening skills, highlighting the broader applicability of these techniques. The episode aims to encourage listeners to integrate these principles into daily interactions to strengthen their relationships.
00:00 Introduction to Better Sex with Jessa Zimmerman
00:47 The Importance of Listening in Relationships
01:30 Christine Miles' Journey to Becoming a Listening Expert
04:11 The Impact of Listening on Relationships
05:33 Common Pitfalls in Listening
11:04 The Role of Empathy and Curiosity in Listening
CHRISTINE MILES is the founder and CEO of EQuipt, an award-winning author, professional keynote speaker, consultant, executive coach, thought leader, entrepreneur, and world-renowned expert in the field of listening differently. With a background in psychology, Christine has spent 25+ years working with individuals and organizations to unlock the power of emotional intelligence to drive business and personal results, solve complex problems, and build enduring relationships.
Christine believes listening, not speaking, is the most powerful form of communication. Dealing with her mother’s pain and adversity, from a very young age, Christine learned to listen differently. Her ability to listen is what has always set her apart. In contrast, throughout her career, Christine recognized the inability to listen as a common thread in the failure of relationships, leaders, salespeople, projects, and businesses. She also recognized, while we’re taught the importance of listening, we are rarely taught how. She founded EQuipt to change this. To create a Listening Movement, revolutionizing the communication paradigm, where listening to understand, not speaking, is recognized as the most important and powerful form of communication. Christine is passionate about creating a reality where educators, business leaders, and corporations invest time and resources – in listening – to cultivate a future with more unity, and less division, more curiosity and collaboration, and make room for more innovation and humanity.
To scale EQuipt’s Listening Movement, Christine published the award-winning book, What Is It Costing You Not to Listen?: The Power of Understanding to Connect, Influence, Solve & Sell (2021). Based on the principles outlined in her book, she created the Listening Path®, a game-changing approach to teaching people how to listen differently, to transform their personal and professional lives.
Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.
Join host Jessa Zimmerman on the Better Sex podcast as she converses with Dr. Ashley Staats about the challenges of maintaining intimacy after the birth of a child, particularly the first baby. The discussion dives into common myths, like the six-week readiness period, and details the emotional and physical complexities that couples face. They explore how to foster communication, manage expectations, and the significance of mutual support and understanding during this transformative life stage. The episode is packed with personal stories, expert advice, and practical strategies to help couples sustain a healthy intimate relationship post-childbirth.
00:00 Introduction to Better Sex Podcast
00:45 Guest Introduction: Ashley Staats on Sex After Birth
After years of dedicated work in private practice, Ashley Blu Staats, PhD and Certified Sex Therapist, recognized a growing need for high-quality sex therapy education and training. This realization led her to establish TalkSex Institute, a place where aspiring sex therapists can receive comprehensive, expert-level education to make a real difference in the lives of their clients.
At TalkSex Institute, we're committed to providing top-tier education that positively impacts the field of sex therapy and mental health counseling at large.
Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.
Maci Daye joins us today to talk about awakened intimacy and share some of the practices she uses with couples. This episode discusses awakened intimacy in the context of mindfulness, being present and attentive during sex. There’s talk of effective practices on how to use what happens to increase passion and grow in the face of challenges.
What is Awakened Intimacy?
Maci defines awakened intimacy as a willingness to expand your idea of sex to include aspects you haven’t tried before – pleasure, joy and even a little bit of suffering. We’re used to the assumption that sex is pleasurable, and it becomes easy to have that assumption. So when people have confusing and triggering experiences, as Maci says, it gives a window of an opportunity to learn from what happened to heal and grow. This is what awakened intimacy is – a transformational path.
Awakened intimacy for everyone
Awakened intimacy is not just for couples who want to overcome challenges in their relationship, but it’s also for people who want to love themselves better. Maci states awakened intimacy is useful because you want to be more compassionate, loving and wise. And sex is an integral part of it.
Sex & intimacy are a part of your healing process
You don’t have to put off resolving issues of your sex-life on hold while resolving issues of other parts of life. Maci says all of these are interlinked and sex is an integral part of it. You bring yourself into every experience in your life, and sex is an experience through which you connect the most with your partner. So, if you don’t include sex, no matter how much resolve and connect with your partner, it won’t transfer into your sex life and intimacy.
How does awakened intimacy differ from mindful sex?
Maci defines mindfulness as a tool to be used in the process of awakening. She defines it as a practice to modify your sexual process by including a “quality of attention that is present, curious and exploratory”. She also points out that other than opening you up to an awakening journey, mindfulness also improves your sexual functioning and genital health. Mindfulness also brings out the pleasure of passionate and attentive sex in couples who’ve been together for a long time. She suggests couples connect with their conscience to explore and discover new things while they’re making love. We’re wired to repeat patterns in life and in the bedroom which go unnoticed. With mindfulness, we can recognize these patterns in the bedroom and make changes to break the pattern. Maci calls it “updating your sexual operating system”.
Practices for couples facing a challenge in the bedroom
For couples who reach an impasse in the bedroom, should research their experiences during sex to examine and repair the wounds. Maci shares a three-step process she does with couples where they stop and share their experience instead of getting stuck in a repeat loop of avoidance. It allows couples to pause when they identify a trigger signal and research into the experience to recognize patterns and habits. ”The only place to heal a past wound is in the present, we can only heal wounds that are visible”, says Maci. While it’s difficult to describe these patterns to your partner, when met with support, you can move onto the next step of adjustment.
The next step is to make an adjustment by sharing your experience with your partner and together figuring out a solution to make changes. Maci also suggests rapid-fire interrogation attached with receptive curiosity and mindfully check in to make adjustments for a better outcome. Going a bit further Maci also suggests “co-designing” that went wrong in the past, with the added adjustments and mindfulness.
Advice for people unaware of their own experiences
Often people are not in tune with their experiences and power through their sex-life without checking in. For those couples, Maci shares an exercise where couples set a timer to pause and evaluate what’s happening in their experiences – their emotions, sensations and even thoughts. This allows a person to share what’s happening with their experience without directing the blame onto their partner. It allows a couple to really dwell on the moment and explore.
How to invite the unchallenged partner into the process?
In this process, it’s quick to shift all the attention into resolving the issues surrounding the person with the triggered experience. In that case, the other partner without a challenging experience could feel unheard. It’s important to note their experience in reaction to their partner’s experience. The unchallenged partner should also identify and share their needs and limits. It once again comes back to couples studying and adjusting by sharing their experiences. When couples recognize each other’s needs and emotions and start working towards them, that’s when they have a satisfying sex-life.
What is the EROS cycle in erotic attunement?
Couples who want to break out of having a routine or informed sex without any inside-out authentic pleasure can attain erotic attunement by following the EROS cycle. Maci describes Erotic attunement as the idea of being in the moment and in tune with your own body and your partner’s where you feel foreign impulses and you feel free to follow the to have unscripted sex. EROS cycle helps us achieve that. E stands for embody and attune, R stands for relating and relaxing our goals, O stands for opening to impulses and new directions and S stands for savoring pleasure. Maci also brings our attention to the struggles we may face in this challenging cycle such as, not connecting with your body, having a hard time trusting impulses, feeling safe to express those impulses or responding openly and even relating.
EROS cycle in attunement is part of what couples could do as they keep encountering difficulties. Maci urges couples to have an attuned embodied experience as they go through challenges.
Bio:
Maci Daye is the Creator of Passion & Presence, a Licensed Professional Counselor, Certified Hakomi Therapist, and Certified Sex Therapist with over 25 years experience in social service, higher education and private practice. She holds graduate degrees from Harvard and Georgia State Universities and has completed the intermediate level Somatic Experiencing trauma training.
She operates LifeWorks Counseling & Seminars, Inc. in Atlanta, GA and co-runs Hakomi of Mallorca (in Spain) with her partner Halko Weiss. In addition to clinical practice, Maci is on the faculty of the Hakomi Institute and teaches in the southeastern United States and Europe. Maci has led sexuality retreats and training courses for helping professionals in the USA, Europe, Australia, New Zealand and Mexico and has presented at several conferences in Europe and the USA.
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219: No, this is not your soul mate – Tracy Crossley
00:30:15
This is not your soul mate
How we were raised as kids, how consistent our parents (or caretakers) were, and how safe and loved we felt when we were young can shape our attachment style during our adulthood. Tracey Crossley walks us through secure and insecure attachments in relationships and how our upbringing plays out in our intimate relationships as adults.
Insecure and secure attachments
Our relationship with our caretakers from the time we are born greatly affects our having either a secure or insecure attachment with other people in our adulthood. Secure attachment starts when the child trusts the caretakers and feels an emotional bond with them. They don’t worry that if you leave the room you’re not coming back. On the other hand, if there is insecure attachment, the child can have different reactions and could become avoidant. These experiences as kids, we bring with us to adulthood.
How does insecure attachment show up?
It shows up in a variety of ways, but many people don’t realize where it’s coming from. Naturally, deep down, all of us want to be securely attached and feel loved. But our conditioning says something different, so we seek what we know. We repeat the same sort of familiar feeling and situation that we had as a child. It affects how we feel and how we act. This sometimes led to confusion and even attracting dysfunctional relationships. Even though we want something different, part of us wants the familiar, which doesn’t serve us so well.
Do we have a soulmate?
People would be looking for a unicorn when they look for their soulmate. People who are securely attached do not say they found their soulmate. They usually are just happy that being with their partner feels good and there is no need to give it a label. When you do not have that sense of security, that’s when you tend to come up with labels as though it’s some sort of magical thing that’s going to happen. The idea of happiness and satisfaction about finding your soulmate is a moment in time and not related to reality. It’s just about the fantasy you have about what the other person is bringing to you and how it will make you feel.
How do insecurely attached people respond to sex vs securely attached people?
Insecurely attached people usually perform acrobatics in the bedroom. They’re all about how great they are at sex and that’s like their secret weapon. They’re going to hook you through sex and do whatever it takes to hold on to you, so you don’t go away. Very strong feelings of desperation are usually involved in insecurely attached people. Meanwhile, securely attached relationships are not so much about just sex but how you are creating intimacy. Sex is a part of the relationship, but it is not the whole relationship, and the intimacy comes from emotions rather than the physicality.
Anxiety in relationships
Tracey Crossley paints a picture of anxious-avoidant, anxious and avoidant people and how they react whenever they are in a relationship, or lack thereof. She stresses that one big thing missing in a healthy relationship is anxiety. Instead, there should always be progression. Moreover, do not dwell in a fantasy land looking for that perfect partner. Always do a reality check, be in the moment and deal with all the disappointments it could bring rather than living in fantasy and prolonging your agony.
Biography
Tracy Crossley is a behavioral relationship expert, author, and podcast host, who specializes in treating individuals with unhealthy life and relationship patterns. Tracy helps clients transform, impostor syndrome, insecure attachment, negative belief systems, breaking the cycle of narcissistic damage, destructive self-talk, and more. With a background in psychology, an innate emotional intuition, which draws from her own personal experience, Tracy shows her clients how to permanently change the repetition of the unhealthy, unhappy and unfulfilled cycles personally and professionally. Tracy’s popular weekly mental health podcast, Freedom from Attachment: Living Fulfilled, Happy and in Love offers listeners a different perspective when it comes to breaking the cycle of unhealthy behaviors that keep them stuck repeating pain-inducing actions on auto-pilot. The podcast addresses folks who want to deal with their emotional baggage and get unstuck, happy, and have a clear mindset. She also has a monthly podcast called Moving On, where she invites guests to speak about their life experience in overcoming difficult times to be successful and happy in their lives.
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255: Psychedelic Sex Therapy with Dr. Steven Radowitz
00:40:04
In this episode of the Better Sex Podcast, host Jessa Zimmerman is joined by Dr. Steven Radowitz, a primary care doctor and ketamine clinic practitioner. They delve into the use of psychedelic drugs, particularly ketamine, in therapy and how it can positively impact mental health and relationships. Dr. Radowitz discusses how psychedelics help treat mental health conditions, the science behind ketamine's effectiveness, and the potential for its future use. He also explains the importance of integration and proper settings for these treatments, and how they can lead to profound personal and relational growth.
00:00 Welcome to Better Sex
00:42 Introducing Psychedelic Therapy
00:58 Meet Dr. Steven Radowitz
01:11 The Power of Psychedelics in Mental Health
04:46 Ketamine: The Legal Psychedelic
05:13 How Ketamine Works
07:38 Applications of Ketamine Therapy
10:32 The Future of Mental Health Treatment
18:32 Ketamine and Relationships
21:20 The Psychedelic Experience
26:16 Accessing Ketamine Therapy
31:19 Other Psychedelics on the Horizon
34:29 Conclusion and Contact Information
Want to take the quiz - How big a problem is my sex life?
Starting his career in New York during the peak of the opioid and AIDS crises, Dr. Steven Radowitz has a wealth of experience seeing the effects trauma and addiction can have on our physical health. Dr. Radowitz joined Nushama, at the intersection of science and spirituality, to oversee and develop treatment modalities. He believes psychedelic medicine’s framework of neuroscience, mystical experience, and integration therapy is the future of mental wellness, and current solutions often fall short, treating symptoms without addressing underlying issues.
Known for his compassion, yet unafraid to be controversial, Dr. Radowitz sees the source of disease as a “dis-ease” that results from a misalignment of mind, body and spirit. He has a passion for preventive medicine, getting to the root of a health problem before it manifests. In contrast to traditional medicine, he views psychedelics as powerful tools to help us become aware of the origin of imbalance and guide us toward wholeness, health, and wellbeing, healing from within. He and the Nushama team have administered more than 10,000 ketamine journeys for mood disorders and are known to be best-in-class and most experienced globally.
In addition to Nushama’s ketamine-assisted therapy protocol for mood disorders, he leads Ketamine for the Reduction of Alcohol Relapse (KARE), an innovative, highly efficacious protocol that clinical studies have shown to be 86% effective. Nushama’s team is the first to bring this revolutionary treatment to New York City, using the power of psychedelics to transform addictive behaviors. Prior, Dr. Radowitz worked at St. Vincent’s NYC Midtown medical center, where he was medical director of the inpatient alcohol and opiate detox and treatment unit. With a history of being part of the solution, he has been a DEA-licensed provider for buprenorphine maintenance treatment for opiate dependence for over a decade.
He most recently co-authored the largest IV ketamine for PTSD study to date — available as a preprint and pending peer review. The landmark findings make the case for a psychedelic therapy paradigm as 75% of participants gained clinically meaningful improvements and 61% showed remission of symptoms.
Coming from a sheltered Montreal community, Dr. Radowitz was not raised with a spiritual background but felt something was missing. Upon moving to New York, he explored the city’s culture and nightlife on a journey to expand his consciousness—the study of Kabbalah, Jewish mysticism, transcendental meditation, and various forms of yoga resonated deeply. After seeing significant improvement in some of his patients who chose to explore psychedelics for different medical and psychiatric conditions, he witnessed their profound transformation, serendipitously meeting Co-Founder Jay Godfrey and Richard Meloff, who invited him to join Nushama.
Dr. Radowitz has been practicing internal medicine since 1998. He currently mentors master’s students attending the Columbia School of Social Work interning at Nushama for their field practicum, and prior, he supervised Columbia medical students and residents. He completed his Bachelor of Science in Anatomy and Cell Biology from McGill University and his medical degree at The Chicago Medical School with an internal medicine residency at Rush University Medical Center. Before Nushama, Dr. Radowitz also ran the primary care program at a number of top-tier investment banks for more than 10 years and held a private practice specializing in general medicine, HIV care, and preventive medicine. Overall, he saw the connection between chronic stress and health and wanted to make a difference, leading to his career transition to psychedelic medicine.
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258: Persistent Genital Arousal Disorder with Dr. Irwin Goldstein
00:35:11
In this episode of Better Sex with host Jessa Zimmerman, sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman interviews Dr. Irwin Goldstein to discuss Persistent Genital Arousal Disorder (PGAD). They explore the history, symptoms, and numerous potential causes of PGAD, ranging from physiological to neurological issues. They also delve into various diagnostic methods and treatment options available for managing this often misunderstood and debilitating condition.
Dr. Goldstein has been involved with sexual dysfunction research since the late 1970's. He has authored more than 350 publications as well as multiple book chapters and edited 6 textbooks in the field. His interests include penile microvascular bypass surgery, surgery for dyspareunia, sexual health management post cancer treatment, genital dysesthesia/persistent genital arousal disorder, physiologic investigation of sexual function in men and women, and diagnosis and treatment of sexual dysfunction in men and women. Dr. Goldstein is Director of Sexual Medicine at Alvarado Hospital, Clinical Professor of Surgery at University of California, San Diego and practices medicine at San Diego Sexual Medicine. He is also Editor-in-Chief of Sexual Medicine Reviews and past Editor of The Journal of Sexual Medicine. He is a Past President of the International Society for the Study of Women’s Sexual Health and of the Sexual Medicine Society of North America. He holds a degree in engineering from Brown University and received his medical degree from McGill University. The World Association for Sexual Health awarded the Gold Medal to Dr. Goldstein in 2009 in recognition of his lifelong contributions to the field, in 2012 he received the International Society for the Study of Women’s Sexual Health Award for Distinguished Service in Women’s Sexual Health, in 2013 he received the Lifetime Achievement Award from the Sexual Medicine Society of North America, and in 2014 he received the ISSM Lifetime Achievement Award from the International Society for Sexual Medicine. He is happily married to his college sweetheart Sue, and together they have three children and five grandchildren.
Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.
My guest today is Lindsay Tucker. She is the founder of artfulsleep.com and is on a mission for better sleep for all. When managing a snoring partner, she has a fresh perspective on the challenges that can arise. To her, instead of getting rid of the disruptions, she teaches the powerful concept of accepting the disruptions and becoming a better, stronger sleeper regardless. Within this episode, she shares anecdotes and expands upon the idea of becoming a more resilient sleeper.
The Link Between Sleep and Sex
Lindsay says that most people can see the link between sleep and sex because it can create a really special bond. It’s also an intimate setting – hello, it’s the bedroom after all – and any disruptions in sleep can have considerable carryover into a couple’s sex life.
Lindsay actually shares a story about the first night she stayed the night with her husband. And right when he fell asleep, the whole house shook with his snores. She said it was so loud that she had to leave the bedroom and head to the couch. Upset and unsure if she would ever be able to cope with his seismic snores in the future, she didn’t know what to do.
She says she doesn’t share the story to make her husband feel bad, of course, but only to accentuate the close connection between sound sleep and a harmonious relationship.
Snoring is not Insurmountable
Lindsay says that you’re never going to change the person who snores, but you yourself can change and learn how to sleep better.
She says that you can work on getting rid of the disruptive blue light that messes with your circadian rhythms. This can lead to more peaceful sleep, even if your partner is a loud snorer. Additionally, instead of this subtractive approach, there’s also an additive method.
Adding blackout curtains or a cool room to the equation can really help you embrace the snoring and become a better sleeper. Lindsay said she tried all of the “gimmicky” things like a noise-canceling app on her phone, earplugs, and more, but they didn’t work for her.
Health Costs for the Snorer, and the Importance of Sleep
Lindsay says that in her experience and expertise with snoring, really the only time that there are health risks for the snorer is if they have sleep apnea. Sleep apnea prevents the sleeper from getting adequate oxygen throughout the night, which often means the person is waking up multiple times a night, gasping for air, even if they are not aware. They can then awake and feel groggy, even if the clock shows that they did in fact “sleep” deeply for 8 hours.
A big reason why Lindsay is so keen on talking about this topic is not only her own experiences with a snoring partner but also her interest in the importance of sleep. She calls sleep the one “constant” for all of us. Sacrificing your quality of sleep is a recipe for disaster. And being sleep deprived not only saps your energy but also reduces your sexual drive.
If you are sleep deprived, you are most likely not wanting to have sex. This is just the simple reality of only having a finite amount of energy. As experience dictates for my clients and in Lindsay’s estimation, if you are tired, the last thing you want to do is have sex. Add sleep deprivation to an already rampant snoring problem and things can get complicated.
For much more on this subject and details on Lindsay’s program, check out the rest of the episode!
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264: The HSDD diagnosis pisses me off - soapbox episode
00:09:23
In this episode of the BetterSex Podcast, host and sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman discusses the concept of hypoactive sexual desire disorder (HSDD). Jessa delves into why she believes HSDD should not be classified as a disorder, arguing that a lack of sexual desire is influenced by various legitimate obstacles such as trauma, body image issues, relationship struggles, and larger life concerns. She explains the distinction between proactive and reactive desire, emphasizing that reactive desire is a common and normal experience. Jessa rejects the notion that low sexual desire is a pathological condition and offers resources for those navigating desire discrepancies in their relationships.
00:00 Introduction to Better Sex Podcast
00:44 Host's Soapbox: Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder
01:08 Understanding Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder
01:58 Factors Affecting Sexual Desire
04:26 Proactive vs. Reactive Desire
06:48 Resources and Conclusion
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172: Male Survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse – Dr. Stephen Braveman
00:50:21
To bring awareness and break the myth around male survivors of childhood sexual abuse, Dr. Stephen Braveman joins me today. He is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, an early pioneer in working with the population of male sexual abuse survivors as well as women and transgender people. Stephen shares his knowledge on the history of male sexual abuse, the surrounding cultural myths, the impact on the victim, how to receive help and get started on the healing journey.
History of Male Sexual Abuse Awareness and Stephen’s Role
Dr. Braveman gives us an account of the history of male sexual abuse and the progression of its awareness. It started in the 1950s and 60s when sexual abuse of men was just a myth. It progressed through the years with sexual abuse of women coming into light in the 60s and sexual abuse of children, specifically girls coming into light in the 70s and 80s. The perception of viewing them as survivors brought a huge shift in the field however, the talk of male sexual abuse remained minimal. Stephen started the first-ever group for men sexually abused as children in the 1990s. In the two years of running this rare group, Stephen realized there wasn’t much conversation going on about this subject anywhere in the world.
Dr Braveman decided to educate people on the subject by making a documentary, Boyhood Shadows- I Swore I’d Never Tell. This one film, conceptualized and spearheaded by Stephen and the men in his group, was developed while he was working at the Monterey County Rape Crisis Center, has helped thousands of sexual abuse survivors come to grips with the emotionally crippling effects of abuse they suffered at the hands of others.
Myths Around Male Sexual Victimization
Stephen talks about some of the biggest myths surrounding male sexual victimization, including the belief that men/boys cannot be abused because of society’s idea that “men are tough”. In the case of abuse, they are told to “man up” and take it, which is damaging because the impact of abuse lives on. The second myth is that if a boy is molested by a man, the boy must be gay or causes them to become gay. This leads to boys questioning their sexuality for the wrong reasons. The third myth is that if a man molests a boy, the man must be gay. Stephen debunks this idea by giving an example of the Semen Warriors of New Guinea.
Another prominent myth that exists is that men cannot be abused by females. People don’t consider other forms of abuse that cannot be inflicted without an erection, such as fondling, blowjob, or encouraging them to touch inappropriately. Stephen points out that it’s often not believed because of the idea that men overpower women. This is a false idea, as most of the molesters are someone close, and they molest in a loving manner that obstructs a victim from overpowering them. Stephens discusses briefly the myth of abuse by teachers. This is particularly difficult to clarify because it’s often romanticized. This type of abuse leads to expressing symptoms like the belief that these sexual practices that are illegal and morally wrong don’t apply to them, that they’re an exception to the rules.
Stephen talks about Vampire’s syndrome as another myth that people believe – that people who were abused as children grow up to abuse others just like how people who are bitten, in turn, bite others like Dracula.
Pedophile vs Child Molester
While talking about a child molester being gay as a myth, Stephen gives the difference between a child molester and a pedophile. A pedophile views children solely as their sexual orientation and hence most of them have a preference between male and female children. Child molesters are most commonly someone close to the child – their mother, father, a teacher, priest, or a coach. They are sexually attracted to children and the power they could display over them.
Symptoms of Childhood Sexual Abuse
Stephen describes common symptoms of the impact of sexual abuse that men carry with them and techniques that are used in helping them through it. Some of the symptoms of carrying the impact of sexual abuse are similar in men, women, and transgender people.
Dissociation from their body, reality, and relationships
Sexually shutting down with their primary partner but acting out sexually in other ways.
Split behaviors
Difficulty trusting men.
Techniques to heal
To reestablish survivor’s trust in men and to walk through their lost childhood, Stephen teaches them “play”. He safely uses “touch” by having them hold hands facing each other, shaking hands for a prolonged time while doing breathing exercises. The goal is to teach them safer ways of talking and being around men and practicing safer touch like a handshake. Another method is to release their anger by trashing something in a safe and controlled environment. Some men also confront their perpetrator in person in real life, or write a letter and burn it or leave it in the ocean. Some men confront the abuse itself by participating in events for survivors, by teaching a song about self-protection to their kids, by participating in a study or a documentary about sexual abuse, or by sharing their story in a group.
The Victim In a relationship dynamic
In a couple dynamic, Stephen starts with individual therapy for the survivor, and then they join the men’s group when they’re ready. Stephen runs a weekend workshop, Outgrowing the Pain Together. for sexual abuse survivors and their partners. It gives couples a space to meet other couples dealing with similar issues and share their experiences. He also offers another workshop, Sacred Tantra Intimacy, which involves the use of ancient traditions of tantra and working with chakra, breathing and eye contact, and energy. It is safety-focused and involves asking and getting permission before any action of touching. To bring change in their sexual life and relationship, Stephen says it’s crucial to break sexual maps- both a couple’s sexual patterns and men’s masturbation patterns. He emphasizes the need to have a full-body experience by using a few techniques.
Biography
A Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, AASECT Certified Diplomat and Supervisor of Sex Therapy, Gender and Sexual Abuse Specialist, Sacred Sexuality/Tantra Educator, and an LGBT and KINK Specialist, Stephen’s work speaks for itself.
Stephen’s book, “CPR for Your Sex Life, How to Breathe Life into a Dead, Dying or Dull Sex Life,” co-authored by Mildred Brown, PhD, continues to fascinate and enthrall readers everywhere. Stephen has also appeared in numerous national publications, television shows, and documentaries.
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My guest on today’s show is Stephanie Beuhler. She’s a licensed therapist, AASECT certified sex therapist, a graduate of UCLA and Pepperdine (among others), and a best-selling writer who has authored many enlightening books on sexuality and sex therapy, including intimacy in particular which her book Counseling Couples Before, During, and After Pregnancy: Sexuality and Intimacy Issues, touches on. She has also extended her prolific leanings with more academic-centered projects for textbooks and journals.
And most important of all, she is extremely passionate and caring towards her patients regarding topics of sexuality, cancer survivors, and infertility issues. And this episode will dive into how infertility can affect couples and the many approaches towards mitigating the challenges that can arise. Stephanie Beuhler is an amazing guest and an even more amazing provider of insight and illumination on the topic. Enjoy!
Some of the Manifestations of Infertility Issues in Sex Lives
A lot of couples who are struggling with the issue of infertility usually complain about just how robotic the act feels. You go to a doctor, you track the most opportune times for conception, and you work on it.
Stephanie says that sex than can feel like a ‘job’ for many people. Instead of sex being this freeing and liberating thing, it is largely a matter of sticking to a schedule and punching the time card. It can be very discouraging to have difficulties getting pregnant and then having the sexual issues poured on top of that.
In short, the pressure to perform on demand can lead to erectile dysfunction in men. The stress that accumulates from peers who are having kids, from parents who want grandkids, all of those factors can have very detrimental effects on the quality of relationships. Fortunately, there are solutions and ways to manage these issues and approach infertility through a healthier lens.
Same-Sex Couples and Infertility-Type Issues
Stephanie states that it is a different dynamic between same-sex couples because they go into the process knowing that they will either be getting a sperm donation, a surrogate mother or adopting. But this also comes with its fair share of complications and stresses.
Many times, it’s hard to know what choice is best for the couple. And the process for adoption can be a very time-consuming and expensive process.
While talking on this subject, Stephanie shares a very interesting stat and trend for LGBT couples and birth rates--in fact, on birth rates in general. Listen along to hear her speak on the topic.
The Most Common Sexual Problems for Women
Stephanie talks of painful vaginal intercourse for women being of the many problems that can arise for women, which leads to a lack of possibility for pregnancy. And this is described and represented under the diagnosis of vaginismus.
Vaginismus means that intercourse is not possible for women because of past traumas or often, there is no single distinguishing cause and can happen without any pattern or correlative reason. It can lead to extreme pain during sex, and even the insertion of tampons can become impossible for women with vaginismus.
Stephanie goes into much more detail during the episode. And it is important stuff to be aware of.
Sexual Problems for Men
The problems for men usually range from low desire, premature ejaculation, to erectile dysfunction. And when talking about erectile dysfunction, it can be caused by the pressure of trying to get pregnant and just how crucial the timing can be. And maybe, as Stephanie states, it can even be the result of the ambivalence of the man who may be second-guessing having children in the first place.
And even the financial aspects of having a kid can lead to erectile dysfunction. In fact, Stephanie states that it is one of the biggest reasons why many men develop erectile dysfunction, in general, is stress about finances. For this and more interesting facts, including some information on delayed ejaculation, listen along!
When All Else Fails, Take a Break!
Advice that Stephanie gives for couples often involves telling them to stop trying for pregnancy for a little bit. Sometimes all it takes is that relaxation and the stress-relief of not having to try so hard to reframe the whole obstacle and bring passionate sex back into the mix. That way disappointments and expectations are kept to a minimum as well. And who knows, it can even lead to pregnancy given the relaxed atmosphere. It can also relieve pressure in the dynamic, which can alleviate erectile dysfunction and a variety of other performance issues.
For much more on desire during pregnancy and this important topic, listen along!
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217: Overcoming Anger and Resentment – Rich Heller
00:33:53
“Conflict Coach” Rich Heller enlightens us on resentment, anger, and other negativities that couples can get into that can get in the way of their sex life. If you or your partner is buried in resentment, this episode will help you get on the same team again and work on your sex life.
How do people get buried in years of negative feelings?
In the beginning of a relationship, there is often a honeymoon stage where everything seems perfect, and you are deeply in love with each other. At some point, this stage ends. Not that you stop loving each other, but reality hits and suddenly you are not the center of each other’s universe. It becomes clear you are not with the fantasy partner you may have imagined. All the little unresolved resentments and feelings about different expectations can build over time, creating a structure of resentment and even hostility. It’s also possible one partner is doing harmful stuff to the other that just can’t be overlooked.
When anger gets in the way of intimacy
Firstly, check if there is something in your past that was triggered that made you angry. Writing it in a journal helps so you can eventually share it with your partner. Since anger is most likely a mechanism to feel powerful when one cannot express their more vulnerable, underlying emotions, it is crucial for partners on the other end of angry expressions to understand what emotions and factors are driving the anger. Expressing differences freely is important to a more positive outcome.
What about make up sex?
Some couples say they have sex when mad because it is a way of reconnecting and resolving their issues. Very often, sex is a way to release anger. But the more this dynamic builds up and the more the fighting becomes regular, then the angry sex is going to stop too. Yes, sex can be a release or a form of connecting, but over time, if what’s behind it isn’t dealt with, even that’s going to drop out.
Forgiveness and moving on
How do you forgive and forget about the past? We need to see our partners wrestle with remorse and accountability in order to move forward. That’s where healing would come from. You need to know why they did what they did and what to look out for in the future so you can both talk about it as it’s coming up – before it happens again. You need to understand the why to figure out how to heal and grow and make the relationship better.
Biography:
Rich Heller MSW, CPC, ELI MP
Rich is a “Conflict Coach” who works with people engaged in high levels of conflict so that they can create cooperation out of conflict. He works with individuals and couples, focusing on how they can have a relationship that works with minimum friction and maximum support for their children. Additionally Rich helps organizations and businesses transform destructive conflict into a vehicle for change and innovation.
He went to Vassar College for his BA, Hunter School of Social Work for his MA, trained in mediation with the Centre for Understanding in Conflict, and trained in Parent Coordination through the AFCC. He is a Certified Professional Coach, and an ELI Master Practitioner.
No stranger to conflict, Rich Heller grew up in NYC, is a child of divorce, has been divorced, and successfully remarried. He and his partner Katherine have been married for over 20 years and launched six children into the world.
Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.
124: Bridging Sex Therapy and Sexual Medicine – Dr. Pebble Kranz and Dan Rosen
00:44:31
Today’s show is going to delve into talking about sex with both your therapist and your physician, potentially, and how that collaboration can benefit your struggles can make a difference.
I interview Dr. Pebble Kranz and Dan Rosen. He is a sex therapist, and she is a family practice physician. Both of them have had extensive training in sexual health and sexual treatment, and they started a clinic together.
What we talk about applies to you if you have some sexual struggles, because it is essential that your providers be communicating and collaborating and that you are getting the best of both worlds.
Dan Rosen became licensed as a Clinical Social Worker after attending NYU’s school of social work. He became a Certified Sex Therapist in 2014 and chaired the AASECT Ethics Advisory Committee from 2016-2018.
He has been providing local training for psychotherapists and medical residents since 2008 as well as teaching sex therapy as an instructor at the University of Buffalo 2016-2017.
While the European Society of Sexual Medicine does not credential social workers, Mr. Rosen participated in the same training program as Dr. Kranz benefiting from the truly global perspective on sexuality and sexual health. Integrating sex therapy with psychodynamic psychotherapy, treatment of sexual abusers, EMDR, CBT, IFS, and couples counseling has been uniquely rewarding.
Now, as a member of the Rochester Center for Sexual Wellness team, Dr. Kranz and Dan are bringing this global perspective on sexual health to Western New York.
Dr. Kranz is Board-certified as a family physician and trained at the University of Rochester Family Medicine Residency Program with an area of focus in the psychosocial aspects of primary care.
Family medicine appealed to her as a specialty because of its whole-person, whole-family, and whole-community approach to medical care. Family medicine residents at the University of Rochester train alongside marriage and family therapy trainees and are explicitly taught to work systemically and to collaborate with mental health providers.
Dr. Kranz’s prior medical training included almost no information on sexual function and dysfunction, nor did it expose me to a range of interventions for treatment. All along, her patients made it clear that this was an important part of their lives.
She completed a fellowship through the European Society of Sexual Medicine. Dr. Kranz now participates in both the medical school and residency curricula to improve exposure to sexual medicine. She and Mr. Rosen opened the Rochester Center for Sexual Wellness in 2017, providing comprehensive assessment and treatment for sexual concerns in individuals and couples of all genders.
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248: Using ART to heal sexual trauma with Brooke Bralove
00:28:38
Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.
In this episode, we take a closer look at the exciting world of dating – from using different dating apps to tackling difficult conversations and navigating the dating scene amid a pandemic. Life and dating coach Damona Hoffman shares tips on how to progress relationships and how to deepen them by cultivating curiosity.
For people looking for a relationship, what do they need to know in order to be successful in dating?
Damona said that dating is a pretty and repeatable process. If you are already getting frustrated with dating, learn about these five areas to know what you could have been doing wrong.
How do you handle sexual concerns as well as various loaded topics during dating?
Sex is a part of any relationship, but COVID changed the dating scenario such that there are added health concerns that needed to be addressed first before you even begin to see each other in person. For example, instead of talking about STI testing and the like, you now talk about getting tested for COVID and quarantining. But COVID aside, having a difficult conversation such as sex, politics, or race in the early phases of dating ultimately boils down to listening and understanding. There should be a time when we set aside our beliefs and focus on what really matters like communication, conflict resolution, values, and goals.
Interracial dating and racial bias in dating
Damona talks about the hot topic of race and how it comes into play in dating. Does excluding a particular race from your dating preferences just simply a matter of preference or racial bias? Learn how to ask the five “why’s” to unpack biases and beliefs and how to turn your differences from your partner into a very rich and positive aspect of the relationship.
How important is sexual compatibility during dating? Can this still change over time?
People toss away a perfectly good relationship because in the early phase, the sex isn’t as fulfilling as prior relationships that they compare it to. But Damona believes that sex, along with whatever is in our checklist of what we’re looking for in a partner, should be disregarded in the early phases. During this stage, curiosity should fuel the relationship and not the chemistry or any other arbitrary reason.
Biography:
Damona is the Dating Expert of The Drew Barrymore Show and NPR, a dating coach & TV personality who starred in the A+E Networks’ (FYI TV) series #BlackLove and A Question of Love. She’s a contributor for CNN Headline News (HLN), BET.com, The Washington Post, LA Times, Match dating app and more. Her advice has been featured in hundreds of publications, podcasts, and TV shows and she was the subject of an Oprah O Magazine cover story in 2019. She hosts The Dates & Mates Show as well as the I Make A Living podcast.
Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.
#46: Dr. Tina Sellers - Sex, God, and the Conservative Church
00:55:36
Overcoming Sexual Shame
In her work, Sellers places considerable emphasis on reversing sexual shame in her clients’ and readers’ minds. Growing up in a sexually-open environment, with parents who were very transparent about sexual function, health, and education, Tina learned the importance of communication over the suppression of sexual fact. And by extension, she is a vocal opponent of abstinence-only techniques which are ineffective and detrimental to the overall sexual wellbeing of all who are involved.
Tina also likes to probe the depths of religious history to offer broader perspectives on how sexuality and religion can function symbiotically instead of antagonistically.
Without further ado, much more is expounded upon within the episode. It is an absolutely phenomenal experience, navigated by an equally phenomenal guest. Enjoy!
Sex, God, and the Conservative Church: A Sexual Autobiography?
Not exactly. Tina had an upbringing that runs counter to a typical conservative church experience. She grew up in a Swedish immigrant family where everyone was body and sex positive. In addition, sexuality was taught in a transparent manner. This meant that the typical drip-feed of sexual shame had been replaced with a far more positive apparatus for sexual wellbeing and curiosity. Tina goes on to say much more about her background and the importance of her upbringing throughout the episode!
Transforming a Fragmented Narrative into a Sexual Legacy
So, why would Tina write a book about the suppression of sexuality in religiously-centered families, when she herself had experienced a far-from-stifling upbringing? To completely answer this question requires a brief review of a moment in her life that determined the direction of her research.
The pieces for her book began to fall into place during her time as a professor. And more specifically, when she organized assignments that directed her Human Sexuality students to make autobiographical accounts of their own sexual experiences. And it was during the countless drafts she read that she started to notice an influx of narratives that all became pointedly self-conscious and self-disparaging. What had originally been a fragmented narrative began to congeal into a fleshed-out profile of individual sexuality. But what could have caused this shift in perception? Tune in to find out more!
The Limitations of Legalism and Abstinence-Only
Sellers delves into some of the origins of the more Evangelically-driven modes of thought. Legalistic adherence to biblical laws, literalism, a harsh criticism of sexual expression, and the power and money at the root of all socio-political movements. In addition, she accentuates the fact that the abstinence-only strategies are mentally detrimental for children. Eventually, once a child matures and becomes sexually active, abstinence-only techniques prove to be much more harmful than establishing regular dialogues on sexuality. Most of this is socio-politically and religiously driven, like the Purity Movement. Seriously, this information is worth its weight in gold. You won’t want to miss it!
The Phenomenology of Sexual Shame
At one point in the episode, Tina shares a quote which provides an absolutely nuanced and fresh perspective on the idea of sexual shame. But at the same time, it is heartbreaking in its accuracy. This is a portion of what is said on the phenomenology of sexual shame: “A visceral feeling of humiliation and disgust towards one’s own body and identity as a sexual being. A belief of being abnormal, inferior, and unworthy.” And this has been reinforced by our socio-political climate. For more on the phenomenology of sexual shame, listen along.
Comprehensive Sex-Ed: 100, 1-minute conversations
Tina says that a comprehensive sexual education is imperative for shifting the legacy of sexual of shame. With enough discussions, just 100, one-minute conversations, the statistics show that individuals will almost always go on to live healthier sexual lives. They also feel much better about their bodies overall. This means that parents must start very soon with their kids, shouldn’t have ‘heart attacks’ when children show curiosity towards their bodies (or the differences in others’ bodies), and let things come about naturally without “childproofing the mind,” so to speak.
The Model For Erasing Sexual Shame (MESS)
Tina shares one of the most important facets of her book with listeners. Using a four-part strategy for reversing sexual shame, she teaches us that we need to frame, name, claim, and aim if we expect to get rid of our sexual shame. First, we must have the proper frame for sexual education. This means that instead of porn, which often reflects only a male-driven fantasy, individuals need to have a sexual education that is instead based in reality. The frame is the “scaffolding” for a healthy sexuality, as Sellers says--it could even be called a frame of reference. The second, name, is equally important: we must name, or tell our story. To learn what claim and aim mean in this formula, check out this enlightening talk.
The Mind/Body Divide: A Perspective Shift Towards Sinful Sex
In some of the closing moments of the interview, Tina gives listeners a history lesson dating back all the way to Aristotle and up to Constantine. She states that the severance of the mind from the body started with the original Greek thinkers (Socrates, Plato, Aristotle) and largely affected the overall ideological shape of Christianity. Using eastern religion as a foil for western thought, she shows how the mind and body are actually unified in Eastern-based religions and thus generally have a more positive impact on sexual wellbeing for its adherents. Christianity, on the other hand, teaches the supremacy of the mind over the body, leading to a sexual suppression that is hard to shake. This can lead to unhealthy levels of sexual shame in those who are taught that the body must be grappled with and suppressed.
The Vow of Onah
Sellers shows us that there are a lot of Hebrew sources that portray sexually-positive messages. The most powerful of these being the Vow of Onah, which reverses the typical gender roles of the time period, favoring women over men. One of the oaths of The Vow of Onah is that “Sex is considered a woman’s right, not a man’s.” For the full list and a detailed response, check the key links and information below and read the blog post that Tina wrote on the subject. It’s eye-opening.
Background
She is the celebrated author of Sex, God, and the Conservative Church: Erasing Shame from Sexual Intimacy. In addition to her exemplary research and compositional work on that book, she has a Ph.D. in Clinical Sexology and has established a very impressive reputation as a marriage and family therapist, medical family therapist, and also, a certified sex therapist.
She has been a professor for many years now, starting as a Latin and science teacher in La Jolla, California. Eventually, this would lead to her teaching a sexual education course in the same prep school. And this launched the specialized career she has been diligently working at for years.
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Lynne E Sheridan, a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist after being an international transformational trainer for 27 years is here today to talk about Joyful Monogamy from her book, “The Birds and Bees of Joyful Monogamy: Nine Secrets to Hot Partnering”. She dives into the topics of monogamy as a basic nature, what leads us to choose monogamy, advantages of a monogamous relationship, and how to keep it alive over time.
Definition and what monogamy means
Lynne defines a monogamous relationship as ‘a mutual endeverance’ of a couple that stems from an urge for fathering and mothering a child and to have a partnership. A father’s need to know that the child is their own and a mother’s need to have a partner who supports them throughout, historically has driven people to choose monogamy.
Lynne talks about the romanticizing of monogamy in Hollywood. She declares that Hollywood represents a relationship to be easy and it’s merely a fantasy to think that’s how a monogamous relationship is in reality. This representation encourages couples to go unprepared with the expectation of it to be a natural process.
Monogamy as our inherent nature
While answering questions about our inherent nature of being monogamous or open, Lynne says we are intrinsically pulled both ways. Our personality, formed from several factors of our childhood experiences that draw our unconscious beliefs, leads us to make choices. As we repeatedly make the same choices, they form a pattern.
We repeat negative patterns rooted in our unconscious beliefs that we don’t recognize until we see the result. Lynne talks about how these patterns result in whether we choose or not choose monogamy by sharing a personal example. Lynn states that monogamy itself is not the problem but our relation with it is. We have to make an authentic choice that isn’t coming from an old pattern but from a clear conscience.
Gifts and struggles of Monogamy
The goal here is not to solve all the problems in a relationship, it is to communicate them. She says that it’s about sharing your troubles and healing each other’s wounds constantly. When a person is willing to work through what troubles you or them and is still there to listen to it over and over again, that is the gift that monogamy brings-to put in the effort. As Lynn puts it, “it’s about transference and counter transference”.
She talks about intimacy as being totally transparent, to be our authentic selves all the time. More than just sex, intimacy is to constantly catch yourself and acknowledge when you are being someone else. Lynn poses a question on how one can be in an intimate relationship when we don’t let ourselves be seen. It’s a continuous process where we repair and move forward and get better each time.
How to keep a thriving, passionate sex life alive
Talking about keeping your sex life alive in monogamy, Lynn quotes Esther Perel, “We have this conflicting desire with mystery and adventure and security”. She says it’s about balancing between both monogamy and wanting more adventure. It’s also passion that drives sex. To ignite that passion we have to be willing to open up to risks, adventures and keeping the mystery alive. She presses the need for sensuality without orgasm or penetration. While out of habit we look for a quick release, Lynn suggests reinventing sensuality by blindfolds, exploring each other’s bodies without an orgasm or a quick fix. She emphasizes prolonged pleasure that requires time and space and the freedom to pick a tone of the encounter. She gives a number of exciting ideas to keep the fire burning such as role-play, dress up, picking each other up at a bar and titillating.
Dating yourself
As important as it is to keep the fire burning in a monogamous relationship, it’s also of great importance to rekindle the fire within yourself. Lynn talks about “dating herself” by exploring all of her possibilities within, for as long as it takes. It’s easy to fall into a rut just like the habit of sex, but learning happens when we push ourselves to grow constantly. As Lynn states, “The work I do is outside of my comfort zone, that’s where possibility exists”. The excitement lies in areas that you haven’t explored, where growth happens.
Advice
During Covid-19, more than ever, Lynn advises the importance of self-care. She says self-care for her is not just about commonly practiced routine but it’s about surrounding yourself with people who stimulate you, it means not to overburden your partner, rich conversations, pushing to do transformational programs and pushing the boundaries of your beliefs about everything.
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Dr. Belous is an Associate Professor, the Director of the Couple and Family Therapy Center at Purdue University Northwest, and a practicing therapist. He is a certified sex therapist and educator, a certified family life educator, and a certified gay-affirmative psychotherapist. He is on the editorial board of the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy and the American Journal of Family Therapy. He is the founding chairperson of the Couples and Intimate Relationships Topical Interest Network and is the treasurer of the Queer and Trans Affirmative Network for the AAMFT. He is a sex and sexuality researcher focusing on social justice and couple and family therapy education and supervision. He has over 20 published works, has given more than 40 presentations at national and international conferences, and has completed 7 different research grants.
The Cass Identity Formation Model
Dr. Belous has done research on the process of coming out and helped people integrate their sexual identity into their holistic concept of themselves. He explains that science has worked to understand the coming out process for years. He gives The Cass Identity Formation Model as an example from the 1970s. Dr. Belous tells us her model begins with ‘confusion,’ the stage where people discover they aren’t heterosexual. ‘Comparison,’ the stage where people decide to act straight or gay, is second. ‘Tolerance’ is the third step; which Chris describes as the stage when people acknowledge their sexuality without fully accepting it. He says that leads to ‘acceptance,’ when a person’s sexual identity is fully accepted, and people start coming out. He tells us the fifth step is called ‘identity pride,’ which is when people become activists, march in parades, and broadcast their sexuality. Her final stage, he explains, is ‘identity synthesis,’ when a person’s sexual identity is integrated with their everyday personality. Chris mentions that this model has many drawbacks, including its presumptions that straight people don’t have to go through sexual identity integration, and its presumption that gay people must believe they’re heterosexual before they realize they’re gay.
A Multidimensional Model of Sexual Identity Formation
Dr. Belous more often works with a multidimensional model of sexual identity formation rooted in social constructionism and developed by Horowitz and Newcomb. He explains that in their model sexual identity is more fluid, and their system is less linear. With the Cass model, people look at their behavior to see where they are on a very linear scale. However, Chris describes Horowitz and Newcomb’s model as referencing behaviors, desires, and experiences to form a coherent but temporary understanding of one’s sexual identity.
The Minority Stress Theory
Chris explains that the minority stress theory was initially developed by Ilan Meyer to describe LGBTQ+ identities, but has expanded to include other minorities like race, ethnicity, and culture. When used in the context of sexual identity it codifies the fact that being LGBTQ+ is more stressful than being cisgender and heterosexual. Dr. Belous relates that the crux of the matter is that gay people have to come out repeatedly and coming out always involves theoretical or actual threats to their emotional, physical, and social safety. Stress is also compounded, Chris tells us, by the need to constantly fight against assumptions due to their sexuality. Mental health concerns like anxiety and depression are much higher in the LGBTQ+ community, and Dr. Belous believes that this theory accounts for that disparity.
Coming Out is More Stressful than Staying Closeted
Chris tells us that research has proven coming out is more stressful than staying closeted. In many parts of the world, he reminds us, coming out means you’re risking your life, while it’s a minor issue elsewhere. He tells us deciding to come out is influenced by their family of origin, personal values, and beliefs, and the environment one lives in. In Dr. Belous’ research men often claimed they had to come out because of the depression, anxiety, irritability, and aggression that resulted from being closeted. Nearly half of the men he interviewed exhibited stereotypically gay traits that made people assume they were gay before they came out.
How to Come Out
Dr. Belous acknowledges that there is a lot of information online about coming out but reminds us that their information is usually based upon one person’s very good or very bad experience with coming out. He encourages people to watch the videos and consider the advice out there, but he reminds us that your own experience of coming out may be very different. His advice is to think about the people in your life to find the person it’s safest to come out to. He says you should look for someone who’s very supportive and an ally of the community. Chris warns that coming out is hardest the first time, and he encourages practicing first, but he emphasizes that you deserve to feel authentic and to be relieved of the weight of this secret.
Coming Out Safely
When helping people come out, Dr. Belous emphasizes safety. Coming out to the wrong parents can lead to being kicked out and starting a downward spiral that leads to drug use and sex work. Those risks mean Chris advises some minors to remain closeted while living with their parents. Waiting until you are taking care of yourself or you have another place to live and sleep if things go wrong is essential.
Impact of Stereotypes on Sexual Identity
Dr. Belous explains that people like to put others into simple, stereotyped categories. He says that when gay men come out, people expect them to fit feminine stereotypes. Similarly, lesbians are expected to be masculine, and women with masculine traits are assumed to be lesbians. He says stereotypes can hinder people’s desire to come out because they can make people feel like they don’t fit in as a gay person when they don’t fulfill those stereotypes.
Chris points out that people who are bisexual, pansexual, demisexual, or any other sexual identity that doesn’t fit in the heterosexual or homosexual box often run into similar problems. They can be rejected by both communities for not choosing one or the other. Bisexuals also suffer from bi-erasure, which Dr. Belous illustrated by describing a bi man in a relationship with a woman. He also explains bi privilege, when happens when bi people are out with their different-sex significant other and have most people recognize their relationship and treat them appropriately, while homosexual men and women are often presumed to be friends or brothers.
Advice for Parents
He advises all parents to think about what values they want to communicate to their child, and what kind of person they want their child to become. Parents also need to identify things that are 100% unacceptable to them. When this happens, Chris says visiting a therapist to make a plan for when those things happen is a good idea, because if you don’t have a plan, you’re not going to react well. He suggests not under or overreacting if your child comes out as a homosexual.
If you suspect your child is gay, be as supportive of the LGBTQ+ community as possible and talk about homosexuality and how it’s okay when it comes up. Those small changes can be enough to make children feel safe coming out. Chris also reminds us that there are completely heterosexual people who interact with the world in ways that mimic gay stereotypes. Those children will frequently be mistaken for homosexuals, and it’s important not to presume your child is homosexual because of stereotypes they personify.
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#20: Dr. Stephen Snyder - Why Social Media is Making Sex Obsolete
00:42:10
Social Media is making sex obsolete.
Dr. Stephen Snyder shares a shocking statistic that reveals the drop in the sexual interaction between people. He unpacks his very interesting theory on why this is. In this episode, you will hear about why people have sex and the influence of social media and technology on their motivation to engage sexually.
He talks about ‘Healthy Narcissism” as children and its return during sex, both of which he describes as normal. Listen in to hear him connect the dots between what social media offers and celebrity narcissism- “What we used to get from sex, we now get it from lots of places.” When describing how we interact with devices, he refers to an Infantile Narcissistic State that wants everything but gives nothing.
How long should sex last?
Listen in to find out what Dr. Snyder considers the appropriate length for sexual engagement. He touches on porn and its influence on what people perceive as perfect. Again, technology affects what we come to expect.
Sex: Technique versus Feelings
Dr. Snyder compares the variety of advice available to couples about technique and technical know-how as opposed to psychological signs. He shares the signs of arousal (this is not actually what you think it is!!). This candid list is something you won’t want to miss out on as it brings much clarity to what we experience.
Dr. Snyder unwraps the effect of sex on your mental faculties, returning to an infantile state and validation. Tune in to hear his advice for experiencing the most out of arousal to validate and connect us in relationships.
How does good communication ruin great sex?
We move on to even more unusual beliefs with Dr. Snyder. Join in to hear his shocking view on what communication can do to your relationship and encounter his playful analogies around this. He shares his experiences about couples he consults and makes sense of why he believes communication curbs the passion in relationships.
Is it ok to be Selfish?
Join in to find out about the role selfishness plays in relationships and sex. We cover orgasms and who is responsible for them despite what is commonly believed. Dr. Snyder draws parallels between childlike selfishness and its connection with sex. Very interesting to hear!
But I’m not in the mood
Dr. Snyder covers a method called the Two- Step. He discusses the secret of this method as the ‘experiencing mode.’ While every couple does things a little differently together, Dr. Snyder says it should move naturally to the second step. We share a playground analogy that opens up our views about what is expected and not expected for connecting with your partner.
Men and women experience things differently.
In this episode, Dr. Snyder visits the evolution of men’s understanding of women. He shares his insights on how men have lost their primal instincts in an attempt to better understand women and what the impact of this is in relationships today. He shares his advice on embracing your desires.
When Dr. Snyder assesses women today, he focuses on women not understanding that men want happy partners. He presents men’s fears about having unhappy partners and the fear of disappointment. In his assessment, he draws on the male experience with a mother and the themes carried from that into adult relationships.
About our guest
Stephen Snyder, M.D. is Associate Clinical Professor of Psychiatry at the Icahn School of Medicine and an AASECT-certified sex therapist in full-time private practice in New York City.
He is Chairman of the Consumer Book Award Committee of the Society for Sex Therapy and Research (SSTAR), as well as one of America’s most trusted authorities on sex and relationships.
Dr. Snyder’s articles about eros in the modern world have gained over a million views online. He is a regular contributor to HuffingtonPost and PsychologyToday, and a frequent guest on major media outlets.
In 2012, Dr. Snyder was invited by Dolce & Gabbana to host the launch of their fragrance, “Desire,” in St Petersburg, Russia, where he was interviewed by fashion editors from all over the world.
Love Worth Making is Dr. Snyder’s first book—drawing from his over thirty years’ experience helping over 1,500 individuals and couples find greater fulfillment in sex and relationships.
Dr. Snyder lives in Manhattan with his wife and children.
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From early on in her career, Dr. Gina knew she wanted to help people with sex and relationships. Her work delved into the more uncommon areas such as discernment counseling, conscious uncoupling, and consensual non-monogamy.
Her work today revolves around a diverse group of clients, which she calls expansive relationships. Dr. Gina explains expansive relationships as relationships between partners that want to explore and encompass more of themselves, people who want to “color outside of the lines.”
Looking Deeper into Our Stories
Gina deals with many stories and talks about how we all have stories. She notes that we need to look at our own actions and history in a healthier way and finds that this can bring us to realizations in our lives that help us better understand ourselves. Exploring our norms does not mean we need to scrap them but rather encourages us to better tailor them to our current relationship needs.
Intimacy
Dr. Senarighi highlights that vulnerability and intimacy are not the same but that handling vulnerability with care can deepen intimacy in a relationship. She explains intimacy as a deep connection with people and explores the different kinds of intimacy around us.
Communication
She explains that trust and openness go hand in hand and shares how we can cultivate that openness for ourselves. Dr Gina discusses her book and how important communication is in relationships. It is filled with tools and actionable steps for couples to use to strengthen their communication and deal with obstacles. She uncovers a few examples to give us some insight into what she means.
A few key elements she unpacks that help communication are clarity of boundaries, having a clear and compassionate accountability process and trust and stability in relationships
Background
Dr. Gina Senarighi, PhD, CPC is an author, teacher, sexuality counselor and certified relationship coach based in the U.S. She’s been supporting clean fights and dirty sex in happy healthy relationships since 2009. Gina has written several books and currently leads couples retreats and coaches clients all over the world to have deeper intimacy and more meaningful connection.
Call for a free consultation to rethink the way you do relationships.
About Gina
Dr. Gina Senarighi, PhD, CPC is a couples’ therapist turned relationship coach, retreat leader, and author specializing in intimacy, authenticity, shame-resilience, and connected communication for diverse relationships.
For over twelve years she has supported hundreds of clients creating fulfilling integrity-based relationships according to their own rules. In that time she’s developed a solid framework based in neuroscience, nonviolent communication, and positive psychology research that has transformed diverse relationships around the world.
In 2020, she published her first book, Love More Fight Less, A Communication Workbook for Every Couple with Penguin Random House. She earned her Masters in Marriage and Family Therapy in 2010 from Saybrook University, her Bachelor’s degree in Education from the University of Wisconsin in 2002, and a Masters in Education with a minor in Human Sexuality from Indiana University in 2004. In 2019 she completed her PhD in Spiritual Studies and Pastoral Counseling.
Gina was named Portland’s Best Life Coach in 2019 and has taught psychology courses, communication workshops, couples intimacy retreats, and guest lectured on alternative relationships and sex-positive therapy at universities across the US. Students love her no-nonsense “real talk” presentation style.
Her podcast, Swoon has helped over 10,000 listeners build a more compassionate, creative, confident, and fulfilled society. Gina offers practical, proven skills to transform relationships in deeply meaningful ways.
As a retreat coach, her background in psychology, mediation and communication training has enabled her to offer uniquely powerful tools to help clients overcome stuck patterns. Her uniquely non-judgmental, inclusive approach to couples work puts even the most concerned participants at ease. She is not your average sit-and-nod supporter- she’ll call you out, and always help you grow. Gina has created thousands of tools, worksheets, guides and authored a few books to support relationships. Get on her email list if you’d like access to her tool library.
When she’s not working you can find her in her gorgeous urban garden, cooking dinners for friends, playing with her two adorable kids, or traveling the world with her partner, Rae.
Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.
#22: Dr. Renee Flores - Sex and Sexuality in the Elderly
00:31:52
Sex in the elder years
In today's episode, we look at sex and sexuality in the elderly. It is a common misconception that people are no longer sexually active as they grow older and Dr. Flores will be sharing her thoughts on this with us so enjoy the insights!
Is sex (and sexuality) common in the elderly?
Dr. Flores shares her findings that elderly people are still sexually active after 75. She reveals her statistics about masturbation even as they experience lifestyle changes.
Tune in to hear about what men and women experience sexually as their bodies and needs change. She shares ways to work with changing sexual needs as people get older.
With the flood of sexual stereotypes being sown in society, Dr. Flores points out the unrealistic expectations this creates for both young and old alike and highlights the reality that the elderly still have a sexual appetite and need despite what is commonly believed.
Join in to hear what some of Dr. Flores’s findings are with sexually transmitted diseases and their frequency among the elderly, this may surprise you!
Privacy challenges for older people in nursing homes
The question of privacy in nursing homes is brought up. Dr. Flores tackles this candidly with a few interesting examples of why this is a problem. In her examples, dementia and Alzheimers come up and a few key issues are raised.
She believes that individual homes are slowly moving in the direction of revisiting policies so that the elderly can someday freely engage in consensual sex but it is not being addressed on a national level.
The fine line between protection and freedom for the elderly is brought up within this discussion so you can examine the challenges brought up with and without privacy.
Some advice from Dr. Flores is to find out what nursing facilities policies are around sexuality to ensure that you choose the right one for your loved one.
About Dr. Flores
Renee Flores, M.D., is a board-certified physician in the field of geriatrics and internal medicine with 10 years of clinical experience. She provides comprehensive care for primarily older adults, as well as internal medicine patients.
Recognizing that sexual health and emotional health are a salient part of comprehensive health care, she has expanded her role as an educator and sexuality and intimacy counselor. She works in collaboration with patients to address sexual desire, pain, performance, intimacy and relationship challenges.
Dr. Flores’ work includes clinical interaction, individual and couples counseling, as well as education. She is actively involved in teaching medical students, residents, physicians, and people in the community. She is devoted to life-long learning and has an endless passion to continue education and training in the field of sexual health medicine.
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Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.
#24: Stacy Fisher-Gunn - The Importance of Self-Care
00:34:29
What is self-care?
Tune in to hear Stacy’s definition of self-care: what it looks like and how it relates to all areas of life, not only with regards to physical health but mental and emotional health as well. Stacy reveals what percentage of health care issues come back to self-care, and talks about its relevance to everything from dental care and medical care to therapy.
The Eight Dimensions of self-care
Living Upp’s programs are based on eight specific dimensions regarding self-care. Listen to Stacy give an outline of each of these dimensions, covering everything from emotions and inner truth to financial and environmental facets. She briefly paints a picture of how each of these dimensions impacts our well-being.
Common Problem Areas
Find out the most common area that many people neglect to nurture, and why this key component can affect all other dimensions.
The Importance of a Multi-Dimensional Approach
Here Stacy talks about how every individual is always evolving, and why self-care is not a ‘one size fits all’ solution. Learn why everybody needs an individualized plan and how day to day life changes will require different focuses.
Trends in Self-Care
Learn about the latest trends in the self-care realm according to Stacy, and why you can’t necessarily believe all the latest articles and information that floods the internet.
We also learn about how self-care strategies can save you time, money, and stress by preventing issues from arising in future.
“Stacking” Dimensions
Discover how to power up your self-care with stacking: identifying those activities or behaviors that will hit multiple dimensions, saving you time and leveling up your fulfillment. Stacy shares some tips and examples of how stacking works.
Self-Care in Relationships
Keep tuning in to find out the importance of self-care with regards to personal relationships, and how you can create the conditions to enable both partners to feel fulfilled. Stacy tells us that self-care is not necessarily a solo journey.
Warning Signs that you need more self-care
What does it look like when you neglect to take care of yourself? Find out the warning signals and symptoms that clue you in on when you need to take a step back, and a few simple tools that Stacy herself uses every day to check in, monitor her progress and keep herself accountable.
About Stacy Fisher Gunn
Founder of Living Upp, a self-care planning, and design company, Stacy Fisher-Gunn is an author, public speaker and self-care designer with over 18 years of experience in the healthcare industry. A registered Dietician and certified diabetes educator, she has worked in a large range of different facilities; including nursing homes, hospitals, doctor’s offices, and corporate wellness programs for companies such as Dell, Boeing, and Nike.
Stacy loves to work with people and organizations to help them come up with self-care strategies, using her tailored eight-dimensional self-care system.
Her book Uppward: A Self Care System for Purposeful Living describes eight unique facets of self-care, which act as the building blocks for all of Living Upp’s programs and pieces of training.
Stacy lives with her husband Jeremy in Issaquah, WA.
Links and How to Contact Stacy Fisher-Gunn
Visit the Living Upp website to see how it all works, schedule a strategy session and find out more about the self-care mastery program. https://www.LivingUpp.com/self-care-mastery-program
If you’re enjoying the podcast and want to be a part of making sure it continues in the future, consider being a patron. With a small monthly pledge, you can support the costs of putting this show together. For as little as $2 per month, you can get advance access to each episode. For just a bit more, you will receive an advance copy of a chapter of my new book. And for $10 per month, you get all that plus an invitation to an online Q&A chat with me once a quarter. Learn more at https://www.patreon.com/bettersexpodcast
Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.
GS found his path after his own painful journey in his personal life and used this to create his book and help others. He references strong women and clarifies that these are women that have a clear understanding of their own worth.
Reflecting on the evolution of men and women, GS highlights historically, the role of men as dominators and leaders until women became more capable and assertive. His book helps men understand how to adapt to this without losing themselves or diminishing their partners strength.
Masculine Leadership
We learn what masculine and feminine energy are and lean into what masculine leadership is. It includes taking responsibility and steering a relationship into a more structured state so that resolution can be reached.
Sexual Leadership
GS believes that while many men wait for their female partners to be in the mood for sex, it is the man’s responsibility to lead her to it. He talks about creating the container that allows her to open up her sexuality. He names the elements that men need to work on. These are timing, environment (temperature, lighting, aesthetic factors), heart connection, being present, praise, edginess, and attunement.
Blueprint
A man in his masculine energy is grounded, providing direction and structure and creating safety. He gives men tips on how to transition their partners to a body/heart space. GS explains that women love light and dark energy and shares what each of these mean.
Leading
GS believes that almost all men can tap into their masculine energy. He recommends becoming grounded and experimenting with your partner in a conscious and respectful manner.
Toxic Masculinity
As opposed to the blueprint of healthy masculine energy, GS explains that alpha males usually don’t encompass the three elements mentioned in his earlier blueprint. The opposite of this is ‘the nice guy’ which compensates in other ways and again does not model the blueprint he mentions earlier therefore not being able to find their healthy masculine energy.
Background
GS Youngblood coaches men in relationships on how to live, love, and lead from their Masculine core. He specializes in “nice guys” who are with strong women. His teachings combine deep embodiment work with the framework of the Masculine blueprint from his book “The Masculine in Relationship”.In his past life, GS was a high tech executive in Sales and Marketing for 16 years, including founding and selling a company. The leadership practices of Silicon Valley, based on clarity and inspiration rather than control, are a major influence on the model of Masculine leadership he shares with his clients.
Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.
On this episode, we visit the topic of erotic fantasy in a box! Thien-Kim came up with the idea after selling sex toys at parties and one day finding herself aroused while reading a novel.
She compares books today versus those written decades ago, explaining how writing has evolved for today’s audience. While older books come across as forceful, today’s books around heterosexual characters, usually lean toward romantic beginnings that consider the pleasure of the female partner first.
Gender Diversity
With many obstacles around sexually diverse characters, Thien-Kim notes that many authors self publish in order to get their work out there. Her monthly box is called the bawdy quickie and only features diverse romances and more gender-diverse toys.
Thien-Kim handpicks toys specifically to the books she selects and gives her clients the opportunity to give her feedback on her virtual platforms open to anyone.
Her Experience and Findings
With thousands of books to choose from, Thien-Kim mentions a few great resources for you to find good reads and authors for yourself. She looks for good quality toys that are female-friendly. Her journey has led her to discover that many people want to try sex toys in the bedroom so she provides advice and direction regarding toys wherever she can.
Background
As the Chief Erotica Officer of Bawdy Bookworms, Thien-Kim Lam curates kits to help women explore their sexuality through romance books and sex toys. Her subscription box-meets-virtual book club pairs steamy romance novels with sex toys, lubes, and lickables.
She selects from hundreds of best in class sex-positive products and smart, sexy fiction to create a curated experience every time. Their virtual book club chats create a safe, open-minded community for women to connect with others who wish desire to embrace their pleasure. Through Bawdy Bookworms, she celebrates diversity in romance because everyone deserves a happy ending.
Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.
My guest Amanda Testa is an expert in sex and love. She is the founder of Find Your Feminine Fire, which is a program that combines concepts from neuroscience and tantra. Utilizing her coaching experience and knowledge in the field, she aims to empower women to be more confident and sexually expressive.
As Amanda states during the episode, before she was a Sex, Love, and Embodiment coach, she worked in corporate sales. But after her daughter was born, Amanda decided it was best to stay home and take care of her. Despite the neverending busyness of motherhood, Amanda was given more time to pursue her passions in health and wellness. Eventually, she became a personal trainer and spearheaded Stroller Strides classes to help new mothers stay active and confident in their skin.
This was the crucial beginning that would soon unlock the potential she saw in herself, and which she knew other women deserved to unlock as well. This whole process is beautifully outlined in this episode, and it is absolutely worth your time and attention.
Sexuality As a Magical Key to Unlock Yourself
After having been a mother eighteen months or so, Amanda started to resent herself and her own sexuality. A common occurrence for mother’s, she was depressed, and was struggling with low self-esteem and that vicious cycle of negative perception. It was through sexuality that she found the empowering answers she was looking for: the magical key which unlocked that celebratory fire of femininity within her. Listen to hear her describe it in her own words!
Defining Feminine Fire
Amanda calls it a vibrancy, a radiance, energy that all women are born with. Sadly though, modern life always finds a way to distract women from tapping into that wellspring of femininity. Women are stifled, so busy with their everyday business, professional life, and intellectual growth, that for the most part, the fire is not stoked; it barely flickers.
But Amanda wants to stress that this fire is not restricted to certain genders. This energy is within all human beings, but because she works mainly with women, her focus is largely on the feminine side of the fire.
Interestingly though, Amanda discusses the sentiment of the Yin and Yang, and compares that to the feminine fire, stating that just like males have a percentage of the female Yang, so too do they have the feminine aspects of the “fire” within themselves. Much more is said about this during the episode. Really fascinating stuff! You won’t want to miss it.
Signs of Energy Imbalance || How to Fix Them
Being burned out, overwhelmed, rage, aggression, not talking to your spouse, or a mixture of emotions that tend to dominate the disposition on a consistent basis are all signs that your fire is out of whack. There are ways to fix this imbalance though, as Amanda lays out in the episode.
Reconnecting to your desires is one of the biggest steps towards rekindling your fire. Amanda suggests just sitting down and writing your desires out. It does not matter if your only desire in the entire world is to have a cup of coffee, as long as you are writing it down and conditioning your mind to start reconnecting with your desires, that is all that matters. She suggests that you force yourself to spend 10 minutes with this exercise on a consistent basis. You will be surprised at how tangibly your desires are fleshed out before you.
Another step is to reconnect with your senses again. Amanda suggests being mindful and purposefully spending the time to pay attention and to be present. By engaging the senses, you can deepen the connection between you and your fire. She says to try it for yourself: the next time you are eating, pay attention to the taste, the sensations, and derive as much enjoyment as possible from the act. This can, of course, be applied to the bedroom as well.
She goes into more detail in the episode. It is really great stuff that you won’t want to miss!
Fear Can Sit in the Backseat, But it Can't Drive the Car
Amanda very importantly highlights the importance of acknowledging fears. It is so crucial to analyze a fear, let it have its say, but to not let it drive the car, so to speak. Being mindful of fear, just like reconnecting with senses through mindfulness, is a very powerful exercise. If we stifle fears, they drive our actions unconsciously. We want to be aware of them, but not let them win out.
Giving Yourself Permission to Feel
This is the fifth and final step in Amanda’s process for finding your inner fire. Through it, Amanda wants to reinforce the concept that no feeling is off limits. Be open to any feeling, any reaction, any thought. You can’t connect with your inner energy if you don’t allow yourself to feel the whole spectrum of sensations and emotions that arise.
She reminds us that our culture often only tells us that we are able to feel good emotions. And that is a terribly lopsided approach to experience life and develop as a person. We need both the good and the bad, so don’t be afraid to feel them.
Most Important Takeaway of the Episode
Amanda reassures listeners that it is no wonder we struggle with unlocking our inner fire; we have never been taught. So that fact relieves a lot of our burden. We shouldn’t feel guilty or behind in development. The good news is that these skills are learnable skills, and with enough practice are extremely doable. You just need to start small and transform your life from the inside out.
As always, there is much more said during the episode, especially about how these concepts relate to sexuality on a deeper level. Please check it out to absorb all of Amanda’s message.
Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.
My guest is Jim Fleckenstein. He is a coach and educator on sexuality. He is also a researcher who focuses predominantly on non-exclusive relationships and how they affect the individuals involved. He is an expert in consensual non-monogamy and a wellspring of knowledge and insight, which he graciously shares in this episode.
Jim shares stats and information on consensual non-monogamy, how those who practice it are reporting an overwhelming amount of satisfaction and happiness, how emotional needs have a lot to do with those who are drawn towards it, and how these relationship structures are actually much more common than you may have realized.
This is just the tip of the iceberg of this discussion though. Listen along and learn a lot about this interesting topic!
The Three Main Divisions of Consensual Non-Monogamy
To start the interview, Jim breaks down consensual non-monogamy into polyamory, swinging, and open relationships.
Polyamory is separate from the others because there is a chance for a deep emotional connection to be reinforced. While the others are more reserved for sexual acts, polyamory is can delve into the emotional as well as the sexual components of a relationship.
Jim says that swinging is probably the oldest of the trio. And for those who don’t know, it’s a couple-centric act where couples work hard to establish an emotional wall to prevent emotional developments. They also don’t have sex independently of one another.
And in open relationships, partners are free to seek sexual liaisons outside of the primary relationship. Emotional connection is not established, and unlike swingers, they don’t participate in sexual acts together but do their own thing instead.
Jim says much more within the episode. Listen along!
The Reasons Why Certain People Prefer Consensual Non-Monogamy
For the reasons why people go the non-monogamous route, Jim says it has a lot to do with the emotional needs of the person. He says the question of “what is it that I am trying to attain here?” is a great question to ask to evaluate your emotional needs.
Your needs will determine which version of consensual non-monogamy that you gravitate towards and want to eventually practice–if you do end up deciding that your emotional needs warrant the lifestyle, of course.
Jim also talks about the boundaries that are established and how respecting those boundaries is important for the healthy functioning of any consensual non-monogamous relationship. Tune in!
How Many People are Practicing?
Jim says that it’s difficult to have an accurate number or statistic for those who practice non-monogamous relationships. This is due to the fact that individuals can lose their jobs and their kids because of it, and in addition, it is still highly stigmatized in our country. This leads to a lot of people practicing in clandestine ways.
So, because of these factors, it’s hard to trust the surveys and numbers out there. But according to the stats, Jim says that somewhere between 2-7% of all relationships are practiced through one of the three divisions of consensual non-monogamy.
The Importance of Education
Jim shares a lot of important information on how people learn about polyamory or swinging by attending educational events where people discuss consensual non-monogamy in a non-sexual environment.
Often the trepidations that occur can be alleviated through more understanding. And as is brought up during the episode, some of the concerns of being pressured by a partner into swinging or an open relationship can be addressed once more information is processed. He also makes it clear this needs to be a mutual decision.
Who knows, maybe all it takes is a couple of events and you will comfortable enough with shifting your relationship dynamic! Maybe it will confirm your anxiety. Becoming educated is key! It destigmatizes and demystifies.
Go-To Resources for Jim
He says that his favorite go-to book is Opening Up by Tristan Taormino, for those who are curious about learning about or trying this relationship dynamic. It is a very comprehensive resource. The Ethical Slut is a good book as well, in addition to Designer Relationships.
And for those who may have experienced infidelity, Tammy Nelson has a good book called The New Monogamy for handling the subject.
Key (Affiliate) Links for Jim:
Books he recommends:
If you’re enjoying the podcast and want to be a part of making sure it continues in the future, consider being a patron. With a small monthly pledge, you can support the costs of putting this show together. For as little as $2 per month, you can get advance access to each episode. For just a bit more, you will receive an advance copy of a chapter of my new book. And for $10 per month, you get all that plus an invitation to an online Q&A chat with me once a quarter. Learn more at https://www.patreon.com/bettersexpodcast
Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.
My guest, Charlie Glickman, has been a sex educator for over 25 years. But it wasn’t until about 15 years ago that he realized the power of bodywork for managing and working through sexual shame. After solely teaching and writing as a sex educator, Charlie experienced firsthand just how powerful somatic therapy can be in a sexual shame context. So, he then developed his own course and practice around that discovery. This episode traces the advent of his important work in the field and moves beyond that to deliver practical insights and knowledge on the topic. A really, really important topic that I hope you get a lot from. Thanks for listening!
What is Sexological Bodywork?
When asked to define the term, Charlie says that sexological bodywork is “somatic education in erotic embodiment.” To further break this down, he sums it up as follows: the central focus is on the somatic aspects – the body.
Education, in the context of sexological bodywork, is achieved when his clients leave a session with more knowledge and experience than they had coming in. This is a huge goal of the practice.
Erotic embodiment encompasses erotic activity, but also, it adds staying present and truly “embodying” the eroticism in the moment, in all moments, that it happens.
The Power of Flirting
Charlie shares interesting insights on a couple who struggled to discern each other’s sexual signals. When speaking to the wife, Charlie asked her to practice flirting with him, in a professional capacity, during one of their one-on-one sessions. After doing so, Charlie said that it was hard to tell she was even doing so because her body signals were not doing the communicating for her. Instead of feeling rejected by her husband, she realized her husband probably had no idea when she was flirting. This also turned out to be the case on the opposite end of the spectrum: the husband was wary about flirting because he didn’t feel like his wife was all that into him.
Consent Considerations
Charlie says that his practice factors in consent as one of the most important facets of bodywork. To that extent, Charlie will not do any bodywork unless the client lays out exactly what they are ready to do that day. There should be no guesswork when it comes to consent, and he says it’s always a good thing when boundaries are established and there’s enough trust and accountability so that the client can immediately say “no” and be respected in that wish.
The Many Areas of Sexological Bodywork
Charlie gives an overview of all of the areas he focuses on as a sexological bodyworker. These focal points range from asking for consent, telling your partner what you want, maintaining boundaries, managing shame and rejection triggers if your partner says no to sex, and pleasure mapping.
Charlie also works with clients who have experienced or are experiencing trauma, with the goal of getting back to a healthy state of equilibrium despite those traumas. Additionally, he works with those who have gone through considerable transitions in their lives: hysterectomies, gender transitions, postpartum mothers, and a wide range of circumstances that contribute to a diverse sampling of sexological bodywork needs.
How do Prospective Patients Know When They’re Ready for Bodywork?
Charlie says that if the idea of bodywork sounds a little too intimidating or scary, sexological bodywork might not be right for you. He says it could be that you just need to talk to a sex therapist or a practitioner and ask some questions to test the waters out. And because there are so many specialists in the profession, it really does help to do a little bit of research on various practitioners to see if what they offer and the testimonials they provide speak to your personal experience
Charlie says it’s completely normal to feel nervous about going to a sexological bodyworker. If you aren’t a little bit nervous, you probably don’t need what he or she has to offer, as he says in the episode. But overall, it can be an immensely powerful practice that you should definitely look into!
If you’re enjoying the podcast and want to be a part of making sure it continues in the future, consider being a patron. With a small monthly pledge, you can support the costs of putting this show together. For as little as $2 per month, you can get advance access to each episode. For just a bit more, you will receive an advance copy of a chapter of my new book. And for $10 per month, you get all that plus an invitation to an online Q&A chat with me once a quarter. Learn more at https://www.patreon.com/bettersexpodcast
Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.
#5: Matthias Rose – Tantra, A Beautiful Integration of Personal Strength, Sexual Power, and Emotional Connection
00:37:06
It can be extremely hard to get out of your own head. People get distracted by their to-do list, by stresses of life, what they must do for work. They're distracted by concerns that are keeping them up at 4:00 in the morning. A lot of people, even if they aren't distracted, are so used to thinking and analyzing, it's called being up in your head instead of in your body.
And the ability to drop into your body and be present and feel what you're feeling and be in the moment it's important. And it's certainly important in sex and in connecting with a partner.
There are practices like mindfulness, which is popular, learning to meditate, learning to get into your body, learning to let go of thoughts. Those are powerful. But another thing along those lines is Tantric practice.
Most of us think about Tantra as some sort of mysterious sexual training or activity but it's really about getting out of your mind and into your body and into the moment and connecting intimately with yourself and with other people.
Tantric practitioner and teacher Matthias Rose has a wealth of knowledge and experience and a passion for sharing this with people. He and his wife Pandora Rose sort of discovered Tantra on their own. They kind of tripped into it having sort of mystical experiences with each other and their own sexual relationship. And from there it opened their eyes to "where is this coming from, how do we learn more about this?"
He went on to learn a lot about Tantra and get more formal training in it. He's based in Seattle and he offers events and workshops. He's got a community space and he does private coaching and healing sessions with people and he agreed to be on the show today.
During this delightful conversation, we talk about the history of Tantra and clear up some common misconceptions surrounding its association with sex and yoga. Matthias informs us what to look for in a Tantric Healer and Practitioner. We also cover some easy exercises you can use to begin to incorporate the healing power of Tantra in your life today and so much more.
Matthias believes Tantra can bring rapid transformation to sexual intimacy, emotional connection, and any major stumbling blocks in life.
If you’re enjoying the podcast and want to be a part of making sure it continues in the future, consider being a patron. With a small monthly pledge, you can support the costs of putting this show together. For as little as $2 per month, you can get advance access to each episode. For just a bit more, you will receive an advance copy of a chapter of my new book. And for $10 per month, you get all that plus an invitation to an online Q&A chat with me once a quarter. Learn more at https://www.patreon.com/bettersexpodcast
Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.
169: Out of Control Sexual Behavior in Women – Jessica Levith
00:41:18
Today’s guest Jessica Levith, is a Licensed marriage therapist from California and is here to talk about the “Out of Control Sexual Behavior Model” which is a view of compulsive, out-of-control sexual behavior. A treatment model is developed around this, and Jessica extends it to cisgendered women with challenging and problematic sexual behaviors. She provides treatment for people who think they exhibit out-of-control behavior. The episode also discusses sexual health and its influence on our sexuality.
Define – Out of Control Sexual Behavior (OCSB)
Jessica defines Out Control Sexual Behavior as the client’s perception of their sexual behaviors, feelings, and urges being out of their control. What makes OCSB different from the Sex Addiction Model is that OCSB is a sexual health-focused treatment where people establish their vision of sexual health without giving up a part of their sexuality. Jessica mentions a history of conflation of non-consensual sexual behaviors in the OCSB model. She debunks a theory in the Sex Addiction Model that it is believed that when a person’s sex addiction goes untreated they fall more towards non-consensual behaviors. However, in OCSB when a patient presents a sign of non-consensual sexual behaviors, they have to be ruled out as they’re more suitable for specialized treatment from a therapist whose practice deals with non-consensual behaviors.
In OCSB model treatment, they are on the lookout for patients with a genuine interest in changing how they view their sexuality. This treatment is not for those who may be simply motivated to escape the shame of exposure to their family or partner by labeling their behavior as a disease. This aligns with the perception in the OCSB model where sexual addiction is viewed as a behavioral problem that can be regulated in all parts of life. In contrast to that, the Sex Addiction Model views sexual addiction as a disease that allows the patient to step back from their responsibilities of change.
How to broaden what people see as out-of-control sexual behavior.
To broaden the view of what one would consider being an out-of-control sexual behavior, they have to process the cause behind their belief. To explain where some of these beliefs originate from, Jessica explains how women have been socially imprinted through history on how we should look, feel and act. She gives a historical context of parallels of women’s behavior being dictated in religion, art, and even science and the instance where the change started. Through Doug’s book and his model, Jessica points out the concept being based on Human Behavioral Theory which prompts for change and adaptability especially in women.
Steps in the clinical journey of OCSB model treatment?
Initial screening is the first step in the process of OCSB Model treatment where clients are screened to rule out non-consensual sex, for internal motivation, presence of any acute issue that could disrupt the treatment like being a physical threat to self or others, substance use, and abuse, mental health issues or physical health issues. In the next step, an assessment is done with a series of courses such as Adverse Child Experience (ACE), Sexual Symptom Assessment Scale (SSAS), Sexual Inhibition Scale (SIS), Sexual Excitation Scale (SES), and semi-structured assessment. During the process, the therapist learns a lot about the client as a person. In the end, the therapist helps the client to use sexual health terms instead of pathology terms, which means, they stop viewing it as a disease. Then the therapist and the client together make a sexual health plan by using this information.
Sexual health in OCSB is upheld by six principles – consensual sexual activity, non-exploitative, honesty, shared values, protection from STIs and STDs and unwanted pregnancies, mutual pleasure, and solo pleasure. When you live within these six principles, with the help of your therapist you can come up with a sexual health plan. The sexual health plan has 3 columns. The first column is boundaries which are the behaviors when crossed resemble in breaking your agreements. The middle column is ambivalence and high-risk behaviors. It means being honest and recognizing the competing motivations within yourself. The last column is sexual health is “the ideals, goals, and aspirations for how you want to be sexually and in life”.
What drove you to apply this specifically to women?
After being on the side of the medical models and then reading Doug’s book, Jessica noticed how everything was geared towards cis-gendered white men. However later she realized that most of the work in Doug’s book can be translated for clinical work with women. To gain a deeper understanding, Jessica dived into the historical and current context of the source of “implicit and explicit expectations and messages projected onto women and internalized by them”.
She discovered three ways of how women were impacted by socio-cultural value systems. First, through historic and systemic power over women’s rights and the means to control birth by pregnancy prevention and termination, through the Comstock act, making women’s access to birth control is dependent upon where she lives, her access to health insurance, her socio-economic standing, and financial status. Secondly, controlling women’s view of sexual functioning, appearance, and pleasure, and thirdly, sexual and social value.
Intersectionality is discussed in context with the power of sexual and social values. It’s how we identify in the world in terms of class, race, age, gender, sexual orientation, and more influence our social and sexual standing and values. Jessica adopted it because of its influence on women’s sexual self-concept which influences their attachment.
How does it show up clinically?
Understanding the historical context of the impact on women’s perception of sexuality, pleasure, and appearance helps the process of the treatment in understanding their perception of sexual health and what they perceive as out of control sexual behaviors. Jessica gives an example of a client who comes in with what she thinks is a problem of “porn addiction”. In these situations, to understand if this is a problem for the client or whether it’s stemming from a partner, Jessica asks questions to find out. These ideas of out-of-control sexual behaviors in women are internalized because women are not taught to be sexual in their vision. It is highly influenced by the media especially in children. Jessica also points out a flip side of the internet where feminist and ethical porn is being debated, where people of disability, people of all sizes and cultures are being represented accurately. This is what brings a shift in the internalization in women.
Integration of said historical markers into the assessment
OCSB focuses on three clinical areas of self-regulation, attachment regulation, and sexual neurotic conflict which are impacted by the historical markings researched by Jessica. With this knowledge, Jessica says, you can help bring awareness to slow it down.
Parting message
Jessica leaves us with a parting message to avoid making assumptions of someone’s desires and to be in the moment with your partner or with yourself to connect and understand who you are at the core.
Biography
Jessica Levith, an Oakland CA Certified Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, LMFT specializes in treating Problematic Sexual Behavior, Infidelity, Unhealthy Attachments, Sexual Health support, Emotional Dependency, early attachment trauma, and recovery from trauma.
She has a Sex Therapy Certificate from the California Institute of Integral Studies, training in Out of Control Sexual Behaviors from both The Society For The Advancement Of Sexual Health and The Harvey Institute, and specialized training in supporting partners of those with Out of Control Sexual Behaviors.
Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.
179: The Logic of Our Fantasies with Michael Bader
00:44:15
Michael Bader, the author of the book Arousal: The Secret Logic of Sexual Fantasies joins me in a fascinating conversation about sexual fantasies. We get to hear his ideas about sexual fantasies and what they mean.
Decoding Sexual Fantasies
Michael recognized the need for an applicable approach to sexual fantasies to help patients with their shame and guilt surrounding their sexual fantasies and preferences. His arguments originated from a theory from Joseph Weiss. Michael argues that sexual fantasies are constructed to express our sexual desires and arousals in a way that is acceptable to our guilty conscience.
Michael gives an instance of dominance and submission, and the fantasy of having or giving up control over our sexual stimulation. That control could look like a masochistic fantasy or desiring partners with a rough exterior or self-centered. Curating this fantasy is exciting because ‘they don’t have to feel guilty about hurting the other person.’ A person assuming the role of a dominant knows that they are going to assume control over this person and that person would feel aroused by it and not be hurt and the same goes for the person assuming the submissive role. This fantasy dissolves the guilt of hurting each other. Sexual fantasies are strategies that our mind unconsciously develops to allow us to free our sexual excitement from things like guilt.
The Purpose of Sexual Fantasies and their role
Michael believes a person’s sexual fantasies act as a window into their unconscious psyche. When a person harbors feelings of guilt, shame, or responsibility for another person’s wellbeing, it inhibits the person’s sexual desires and thus resulting in the development of sexual fantasies to avoid such feelings. These inhibited sexual desires can interfere with other aspects of life. In the consulting room, when we analyze these sexual fantasies what we discover is “the revelation of someone’s core beliefs’’, which show up in the other parts of life and not just sexually. Analyzing these sexual fantasies can help the patient’s guilt and shame around their desires and also inspect the roots of their beliefs that caused their sexual fantasies.
Sexual Fantasies Are Not Meant To Be Changed
As long as there’s an innate need for attachment, the feelings of worry, care, responsibility, and guilt towards loved ones will be present. These needs tend to almost always show up in people’s sex lives. There won’t ever be a time where people will stop feeling these that stem from our core needs. And since sexual fantasies arise to overcome those feelings, they will always be needed as a way to express our sexual desires.
Are there Problematic Fantasies?
Every fantasy is enjoyed by somebody. Porn has tons of types of pornography for every population and some of the unpopular categories wouldn’t exist if there weren’t people to consume it. The problems with these fantasies coming true are they produce porn and sex addicts that take people away from being emotionally and sexually present in relationships and marriages. These fantasies could be anything.
Talking about limits to our sexual fantasy, Michael says, unless our sexual fantasies take us away from being psychologically present, being aligned with our values, and doing something meaningful from other people, sexual fantasies are not problematic. Michael also believes sexual fantasies that are illegal in reality are not problematic to think about unless they’re acted even slightly in any way.
Biography
Michael Bader, DMH is a psychologist and psychoanalyst with over 40 years of clinical experience in the San Francisco Bay Area. He has written extensively about the interaction of psychology, culture, and politics and has produced a podcast – Mysteries of the Mind—about these issues. He is the author of Arousal: The Secret Logic of Sexual Fantasies, and Male Sexuality: Why Women Don’t Understand It, and Men Don’t Either.
Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.
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