A Letter For Sally (Hailey)

so i has this thought on my spam twitter a few months ago this is the tweet i had said:

this conversation is coming up again because i saw on twitter that people were talking about how this young woman had committed suicide and everyone was saying she was so beautiful and this person responded like why is that your first response why do you expect beautiful people to not have to deal with mental health issues and i think it says two things i think it shows how our society favors attractive people and how pretty privilege is real and people think that it can solve all of your problems

it’s scary. it makes me wonder if people would still care if the person wasn’t attractive or known like it’s damaging and i think it shows how there should be an even larger emphasis on mental health issues

getting ready for work and talking and catching you up on EVERYTHING

okay maybe i’m just annoying but i watched the labrants newest video announcing the birth of their newest baby and i was immediately angry just imagine you are this baby in the following situations you are like 9 years old and you figure out what youtube is and you’re so excited to learn that your parents have vlogged your entire life and you can’t wait to go to see old pictures and vlogs and you see announcing baby number 5 and you are like wow this is when my parents got pregnant with me and you watch that fucking video i would be pissed as hell i’m sorry even if it’s the truth it doesn’t make it hurt less the whole world knows you were an accident they talk about how did you slip up in reference to your recreation your parents talk about how you weren’t apart of their plan in detail and how shocked they were that you were brought into this world they were happy kind of but you feel like kind of weird seeing your siblings announcement videos and then you wonder what was the first instagram picture let’s go look at that and your dads head is sitting on the ground in disappointment and belief that you have been created that suck’s your parents could tell you they just did it for content it’s not true they could tell you it’s just a funny joke but deep down you feel resentment you feel like something no one ever wanted but that your family decided to capitalize on their disappointment with your conception the labrants kind of suck i’m sorry seeing the video of savana talk about how spoiled her kids are compared to the kids in uganda like either sets of kids have a choice for the circumstances of how they act but how at the end of the day she is who controls how her kids act and are raised it’s just off putting i didn’t know that their eldest daughters father had passed away but to hear about cole doing a joint channel with her exploiting her even more after the death of her biological father rubs me the wrong way to see the eldest daughter become a meme because their parents allowed them to sing and do music videos there’s something about the lack of thought about the future when it comes to child vlogging no one thinks about how things will be perceived in a long time how will she feel as a teenager how will she feel as an adult how will she feel when she becomes a mother and she remembers how her whole entire life was documented and judged by people online when she will never know who has seen her face or heard her talk because it’s impossible to even count maybe it’s the over thinker in me maybe it’s because i’m overly cautious maybe it’s because their are things i went through as a kid that i wouldn’t want anyone else to do but no child deserves to have their parents occupation impact their lives in the way child vlogging impacts the children i’m kinda done with just talking about how much i hate child vlogging i think these parents need to like be ashamed of themselves when sites like reddit do a better job and protecting your kids… you know it’s a problem also shout out to reddit because i was snooping a few weeks ago and they predicted this baby months ago they knew it would happen like clockwork and that’s kind of sad too also if you don’t believe me and think maybe i’m overreacting i would recommend you listen to this tweet i saw the other day it’s from @lipstickandjays So I work in 2 high schools and we're planning a youth-led youth conference for all Ohio HS students. They get to choose the topics and lead the workshops. You know what a resounding topic is they asked for advice on? How to deal with their parent's social media persona. also for podcasts go listen to honey i monetized the kids by binchtopia thanks for listening and happy holidays!!! the caroline calloway documentary https://youtu.be/RUfIYBrODX0?si=t3mNEOPtK7OJ0ka7

townies are evil; practicing your dreams as hobbies and being okay with everything not being perfect everywhere you have to start somewhere ; importance of personal style and wearing what you want and centering others opinions less and just being you; What can we do instead? How are we spending our time?; the next person i love…; i am waiting for a perfect love story but am worried my bipolar brain would ruin it; happy videos of people who have committed suicide

So I was relistening to my Todrick episode and realized I have some ideas on this chloe bailey situation! i love chloe and halle and i am going to say something that a lot of people probably cant relate to or understand i saw chris brown in concert when i was in high school and i streamed his music… yikes. but as a full grown adult i see why i shouldn’t have done those things and i have been exposed to his behavior towards women and lgbtq+ people and how supporting people who do those things turns the mirror onto you in a sense because you are condoning very fucked up behavior the amount of r&b artists with fan bases that lean towards supporting women and not working with abusers who still find themselves featuring chris brown and other artists that are abusers is very interesting it almost seems like he chooses out these black female celebrities with high percentages of people who dont listen to chris brown and who are actually well-liked to somehow give him a redemption arc but all it does is pull down the female artist with him its so fucked when these artists stay firm in their decisions and support and uplift chris brown it makes them seem so desperate for outrage desperate to disappoint and to me it makes them seem like they expect their followers to accept and go with any decision they make even when that decision is harmful and could bring up past trauma i know that might sound crazy but i just think about it like these accusations aren’t hearsay they are things that actually have happened and just moving on from them is crazy chris brown believes because other people have done bad things he deserves to be forgiven but you cant change others opinions by force you change it by changing yourselves and proving those people wrong from doing the things that got you into bad graces with him and instead he does the opposite and lashes out go to therapy please. anyways chloe x halle had such a like alternative sound in the beginning and still seen on ungodly hour but chloes solo music has seemed more generic poppy music and i think that her choice to collaborate with chris brown reiterates that fact but at the end of the day her audience was built on an entirely different aesthetic i was thinking how insane would it have been if she had diggy simmons on a song i dont know what their relationship is or how that went but it would have been very interesting for headlines and the song i dont know i like that song he did with jeremih i dont know there are so many other ways to get a headline instead of turning your whole audience against you i think for her sound bryson tiller wouldve been a good artist for her to feature like there are so many other options but i think we are seeing a change in chloe and halle as they grow into young adults that we didn’t see when they didn’t share too much about their personalities or opinions and i think we do hold artists to a standard that many never really reach like we aren’t going to agree with everyone i recently saw this clip of someone talking about why zendaya chose to stray away from music and she was talking about anonymity and how easy it was to take herself out of acting and focus on funneling all of her emotions and feelings through a character instead of herself and i find thats more digestible for audiences although some people are bad at distinguishing characters from the actors and actresses themselves they are so removed in the public i feel like its a lot easier to not have to wear you heart or opinions on your sleeve when your medium isn’t talking about life stories and personal anecdotes

One day I got really bored and wrote down all of the controversies Gabbie Hanna had been in and I was shocked when I think of Gabbie I think of the boy who cried wolf but I couldn’t even tell you when she actually cried and needed help if that makes sense

I was listening to Gabbie’s new podcast and I physically had to stop because she was just complaining and being negative the entire time something that gabbie has shown over time that a lot of influencers do is refuse to become irrelevant I think back to her shadow banning scandal when she was like constantly going off about it and when her music didn’t do as well as out loud when she had David dobrik promoting at the end of his vlogs and the entire vlogsquad behind her

In this new podcast gabbie talks about how much she hates social media and how she needs social media to do her job but it is so privileged and her thought has a lack of depth she talks about wanting to create and how the only way she can do that is by being on social media which I disagree I think using social media to push what she creates is the only way she can continue to have her influence and the only way she can afford her current lifestyle

She harps on wanting to just be creative I remember a while ago she talked about wanting to have a candle business but it seems like she will never step away from her platform she wants an army of people behind her at all times

I saw a tiktok when people were talking about how she is obsessed with fame and thats just true she’s obsessed with being known but she’s turned to hating social media because she got critiqued for her actions

She said in her new podcast that social media tried to convince her she was a terrible person and how she figured out that wasnt true I disagree gabbie is awful at receiving feedback and critcism like her situation with Rachel Oates and her book

The more I hear from gabbie the more I see Trisha Paytas They both are obsessed with that fame and their lavish lifestyle that they won’t give it up even if its better for their mental health

I see people who refuse to be wrong and everything that they say is right in their eyes

But what is different is Trisha never says she’s shadow banned she’s transparent about her views going up and down and she knows someone will always watch but gabbie is obsessed with numbers she started losing subscribers she hid her subscribers from her channel Gabbie Hanna wasnt seen as marketable to her so she switched back to the gave show

During the time of the Jessi smiles situation which was awful and I have some old tweets of mine to talk about here but during that time she knew know one wanted to give her money or views so she phrased her video titles and thumbnails to resemble drama channels and you could say this is just marketing she’s just doing her job it comes a time where that manipulation and that marketing becomes obsessive and toxic and I think examples of people with this mindset would be David dobrik

Okay so here is something I tweeted back in June

i am so peeved about gabbie and this series thing you’d think if she was so “sick of the lies” she would just get off the internet and start a new life? why spend so much time trying to convince people you’ve changed if you believe it yourself???I used to support her but it’s just too much and she doesn’t seem to care about telling the truth or being respectful just solely about getting in front of the story and sharing her own narrative it’s extremely frustrating that she can’t own up to her wrongdoings

talking about my change in mindset my obsession with men my relationship with my family profection years in astrology turning 25 the situation with fannita or nitababy and the parallels to gabbie hanna and tinashes success rose colored glasses nostalgia character in inside out 2 seeing lamar odom at the beach the wedding that made me cried walking down to a violin rendition of perfect ed sheeran ugh i love him my memorial weekend beach trip

I feel like I am at my worst right now. I have no direction in life I hate my job im quitting soon but I am the most out of shape the most unhappy and the most clueless I have ever been in my life. I want to make a change. At the beginning of 2020 I started a health journey where during quarantine I lost over 20 lbs 2021 hit me like a house and ive probably gained back around 50-80 lbs im so over it im out of breath unhappy and unmotivated I want to make a change. I became a big believer in manifestation during 2021 and I want to set out to achieve some of my manifestations Pursuing dreadlocks Having a better relationship with food and exercise Reading more books Painting and finding my hobbies Perfecting my skin routine and practicing better hygeine Getting back to enjoying music and making monthly playlists When I first imagined this series I thought of it as a video turning on my camera and showing you how awful I look and feel but why do I have to do that right now? My idea was to do it a year out similarly to Alivia D’andrea but I think that would do more negative than positive through this podcast I will always have these words and it will also help me intellectualize my thoughts via writing.. WEIGHT I focussed so much on weight because I have such a bad relationship with food I would starve myself as a adolescent because I would always compare my black body to frailer white peers around me I wasnt made to be stick thin but I also shouldnt be carrying my weight the way I do now Ive learned so much about fatphobia during the past year and I am a firm believer of health at every size I just am not happy right now or comfortable so I need to get there Im not trying to lose a ton of weight super fast like I did in 2020 but I do have a small plan I once heard it takes 27 days to form a habit so lets put that into motion! I want to cut out dairy not entirely but as much as possible to see if it helps my stomach problems if there is anything ive noticed while in the corporate world its that my stomach makes so much freaking noise Also I want to go back to lose it but start at 2100 calories a day for 2 months and then decrease in 100 calorie increments until I reach 1600 calories hopefully this sets me up to do another year of this possibly going back up in calories HAIR I have struggled with my hair for so long I cant even say as a black woman I just want to feel presentable and I feel like I never am when my hair is natural I feel like it’s too disheveled to other peoples standards because I keep it in a high puff and its just a lot When im wearing fake hair im scared everyone knows it fake I can never win Im kind of over the battle I have always admired dreadlocks but I was so apprehensive about pursuing dreadlocks because of my perm trauma I keep on thinking about the quote of how the brain doesn’t fully develop until 25 and im scared to make a decision but it gets so expensive and when that hair appointment is cancelled I feel like I could die I want to wake up and go obviously dreadlocks require maintenance but there is this permanence and flow that I don’t feel with my natural hair whether it is relaxed or in its natural state I hope that during this time I can grow my starter locs out without getting extensions for a while and just truly find myself.

i’m so grateful for dolly parton. i love coco from ice r and coco. i love kim zolciack biermann obviously i grew up pretty white washed. when i was a kid i wanted to be a tomboy but as an adult i’m girly girl and i love it. dolly parton makes lover girl music fr. go listen to lovin you by dolly. megan thee stallion and dolly are similar in my head. i’m praying for megan thee stallion. stop treating aquarius women like that. people are so evil. go listen to boa by megan thee stallion. saturn square venus maybe i’m just broken. idk i want a lover maybe that’s my goal for summer. my bridgerton story and parallels to colin and penelope. the guy who stands on the corner on my way to work everyday. he lost his wife to cancer. i almost cry every time i see him. i’m thinking about him a lot. our medical system is fucked up. price gouging is crazy. reddit snark is so insane. people care more than they want to admit. shout out to kyra from ok baby again at least she’s happy. my dream traitors cast. my obsession with just jasmyn. i feel bad that it’s gotten to this point. i hope she’s doing okay. why does religion sometimes prey on poor people and demonize secular culture? i feel like secular culture teachings can help people grow and become independent. i think what i was trying to say in the podcast is sometimes you need action to grow and have a result not just a belief. i believe in prayer and manifestation. but sometimes a goal combined with those efforts is what allows you to teach it. i only attract men who watch anime. i tried to watch your lie in april last night and started crying so hard. i felt very heartbroken yesterday. but i’m going to put it out into the universe that maybe one day soon i won’t feel that way. i will believe in love again and denounce all my crazy takes on monogamy and love. i’m still a lover girl at heart. thanks for listening folks. hopefully i will see u next week :) <3

I have been thinking a lot lately after what happened with big brother 24’s Paloma and my obsession with the game and feeling like I could never play it because of my neurodivergent traits and characteristics and so many things came to mind we aren’t really diverse our media just isn’t because if so any who wanted to play big brother could and at the end of the day I would never pass all the tests and all of the hoops and bounds to get on the show.

I think about the ticktocked crutches and spice I believe her name is Imani and she is constantly bringing light to the awful things that disabled people go through and thinking about mental illnesses and invisible disabilities that is something our media continues to ignore being a designer and learning about ADA and hearing Imani talk about how malls were one of the only wheelchair accessible spaces for a long time is just the saddest thing I ever heard and as a child seeing all the ramps in my childhoods town mall and thinking about how beautiful they made the space it almost flowed like a river like the beauty of design and how ramps should be everywhere

I heard recently I believe on binchtopia that the amount of people taking antidepressants went up A LOT like if not at 30% around there and I honestly thought they were going to say 50 percent people are still struggling during this never ending pandemic and their literally feels like no end in sight. Mental illness is something a lot of people live with forever and its hard but I feel like if Paloma was suffering through an episode airing it is important for people to see understand and be able to recognize in a person

As someone with depression, and anxiety and bipolar tendencies it was hard to understand that because of that there are so many things that I cant do and I just couldn’t imagine how people with disabilities feel and how our world shuts them out and makes their lives so much harder

But what is the answer? Will anything ever be fully diverse? Will I ever get to see someone with bipolar disorder, anxiety, and depression on reality tv? Is that fair to require so much mental testing to do regular things? Is it necessary for safety? And when will a reality tv show have a disable contestant at least a show that I watch? Everyone deserves to see themselves on tv.

But also like maybe thats big brothers prerogative and why they have such a strict process of getting in but maybe the requirements from getting on are faulty because they strive so much for finding entertaining personalities that they disregard the biases those they cast might have and maybe wanting bad attention is still attention to them I dont know but I know fans go crazy every summer because of bad casting

When I went to the doctors office last week and found out that I have a mood disorder and several traits on bipolar disorder I went on an emotional spiral I had gotten so out of wack in the past few weeks and I wanted to get myself under control

I was severely depressed thinking of suicide everyday and I couldn’t work well I couldn’t remember anything and I was just a complete mess and scared of what the possible outcome would me

The words the doctor said sent my body to my phone after to look up symptoms I want this podcast episode to be something that can potentially save people from harming themselves and help them take the steps to prevent these things from getting out of control

I am very indecisive.

I am very complex.

But this diagnosis or realization opened my eyes.

I dont want to offend people with what I say in this episode but I think its important to discuss in my podcast episode What would you do if no one would judge you? I think I may be wrong I talk about all these things I want to do but dont and i have this weird relationship to Kanye West I have loved him since I was 16 and I have always had a soft spot for him and I never fully understood why and this doesn’t discount his problematic past but In a weird way I understood him whenever I felt something really strong I wanted to pour my heart into it allow it to create art and just make it something and its like sometimes I feel like I can do anything and other times I feel so useless and like I cant move

Ive touched on what I perceive as my manic self a lot in this episode but my depressive state is quite awful I self isolate for long periods of time during college it got really bad to the point I would isolate for like long periods from the few friends that I had

I have a lot of hyperfixations and being a tiktok user avidly this summer I was scared I may have ADHD but I never realized all these symptoms go hand in hand I was obsessed with candles over the summer and I haven’t made one in months now

The feeling of confidence will overcome me and I feel like I can do anything for fucks sakes I started writing a book last month like I just don’t know but as crazy as it seems I do think I am a creative person and pretty damn good at it I find myself thinking I am either amazing at my job or the worst person to ever do it but going on antidepressants I am scared that I will lose my creativity and turn into a zombie but my depressive state got so bad my destiny became zombie or dead

I’M SO HAPPY. All of my complaining and stressing and staying up all night watching feeds was worth it :) <3

who interferes here how do they receive help? is it common for states to fluctuate in terms of education and health and stuff? i’m so sad this shortage of teachers or workers of help i am extremely worried about the youth.

I always like the most hated character on tv shows maybe its my inner villain coming out

I feel like I’ve either heard this or it haunts my dreams its like hollywoods deletion of the black woman for years you never saw actual black people on the screen and it is still happening you see it in grownish and gossip girl where are the black people! It is damaging on society that Is why you see these videos of little black girls calling themselves and their black hair ugly they never see it glorified anywhere!

israel + palestine im too ignorant to speak on this and it’s sad to see celebrities actions during this time i have an issue with genocide and bombs and air strikes i think it’s disgusting to take peoples lives over any means and i just hope and pray this will be solved the boys is good gen v is gooder everyone is fucking pregnant and i’m worried for them kind of idk twitter has made celebrities look more annoying then they actually are with their ongoing quest for clicks going viral and views jada pinkett smith chris evans and jennifer lawrence niche tiktok lifestyle hater vibes im a hater at heart ken and wade lifewithkenk and druee.b drue basham camper renovation shitting on aaryn gries from big brother 15 for a second call outs in music don’t do it for me i like a amine style reference bad bunny drake friendships eclipse thoughts should i go back to my solo era and just doing what i want to do selfish era vibes i hate when friends bring you back to where they met you like my inner villain high school bitch came back when the drama was told to me but like i don’t desire to go there anymore i don’t care also question would you want your friends to tell you when people are talking shit about you my answer is NO don’t tell me let people talk shit in peace that tiktok debacle a few months back big brother shit! what if we all said fuck you to the beauty standard ( i will probably never do that) coco jones concert put you on is my fucking jam loc influencer drama why is fakeness so frowned upon in natural communities my favorite work conversations i’m woo woo and it’s weird when people think they are smarter and holier than thou because they aren’t spiritual how the fuck are people affording to travel putting it into the ether i want to travel to london the uk im general i love the uk culture will hopefully be able to go and tell you about my time there i want to become the smoothie king and make better smoothies like that’s my goal right now i’m plus size and i didn’t realize the fast fashion debate was real until i went to find long fuckinf jeans because i’ve been wearing high waters for YEARS my fat ass can’t shop at american eagle and a lot of stores don’t make tall plus jeans chase the bag whatever i love money but like is it possible to be an influencer and not have sponsorships up the ass like i think y’all make good $ regardless just saying i honestly think i would hate doing sponsorships as an influencer and just not do them i’d rather come off as relatable and genuine then suck a brands ass for some quick cash not sponsored but glamermaid is kind of that bitch tho shane dawson and jefree star refuse to become irrelevant peter monn drama with the titles and the thumbnails how desperate it looks and how much better trisha paytas is at navigating the inevitable peaks and valleys of social media relevancy trisha paytas working moms debate she hasn’t had a 9-5 like ever or in a long time and never as a mom there is a level of struggle stay at home moms don’t have to have and that’s knowing that they don’t have to provide $ to stay afloat working parents still think about their kids constantly still have to drop them off pick them up make dinner do all the parent stuff on top of a job kids aren’t just their priority they don’t just get to be absolved from being a parent because they are working they have to do both to provide for their kids one isn’t harder they both aren’t the same level of hard being a parent is super hard in general and we shouldn’t undermine working parents and stay at home parents

Im not trying to be offensive with the title but I really think this might be true? i mentioned once on the podcast how I love this other podcast I listen to the celebrity memoir podcast except one aspect of it the cohosts are really rude They claim to be comedians but nothing they say on the podcast is funny to me I realized I might be crazy when another podcast I really like fluently forward talked about the celebrity memoir podcast and how much they enjoyed it and thought the cohosts were funny and I was like what is wrong with me? I think I am a victim of the white female humor comedy being mean thing Because I am mean like I get it but both of these podcast have a big impact on this conversation in one episode of fluently forward it discusses Alex Cooper of call her daddy and how her whole perspective is pretty much speaking on sex and sexuality through the lens of a male Alex is constantly looking for male approval while trying to be this girlboss Iicon sh e is is constantly trying to be like not one of the other girls putting down girls for being desperate etc but at the end of the day she knows a majority of her followers are also men especially when call her daddy was under barstool sports I think of the real housewives I am a real housewives fanatic but I think a lot of the things I find funny about the show are catty girl fights, cheap digs, and women acting extremely crazy and frivolous I think this is a prime example of humor being mean I think about the most well-liked housewives and there are some similarities Nene, Bethenny, Gizelle, Porsha, Ramona, The Countess, Vicky, And no hate I love a lot of these housewives but all of nene’s famous one liners come at the expense of someone else and then I think about how someones lack of intelligence comes as a punchline and the whole things is based off of honestly mean girl behavior and low-key bullying? Nene, and Bethenny are seen as funny for making fun of their quote dumb unquote counterparts and those counterparts, Porsha, Ramona, Carole become the laughing stock who make their money off of essentially being laughed at and women eat that up I don’t think this is even a race thing I think I am a victim of this thought pattern whether its just inherent in me or from my closeness to whiteness growing up I think I exhibit these behaviors everyone I think is funny is usually just mean???? And when I try to think of people who don’t fall under this criticism the people who I think are funny without being super mean are actual female comedians, Tina fey, Mindy kaling, Maya Rudolph etc they aren’t overtly mean to me whether they are on snl or not maybe its the access we have to comedians or how their comedy is ingested by us in smaller quantities but maybe thats also what makes these comedians from the podcast not funny to me they don’t have any comedy thats not at the expense of someone else I don’t think I really concluded to anything here but it was just something interesting I was thinking about recently

palestine kehlani and nicola coughlan selfishness and lack of community intergenerational housing dua vacay album the poor family dating debate people are heartless why do i assume everyones life is perfect if something is for you it will give you clarity if something isn’t for you it will give you confusion SATC the convo with miranda and berger human design motivation desire ijaadee and samantha from sex and the city uncomfortable feeling = good or not good i’m gonna guess not good maybe a NO i always have it around men like i’m gonna barf people’s obsession with megan thee stallion eminem wtf nara and her eczema maybe we should start shutting the fuck up seeing so many weight loss influencers give up and get WLS wondering if it’s my destiny struggling with losing weight talking about phentermine and the push for weight loss medicine after literally acting like fannita at 22 targets plus size section…… 25 = CONFIDENCE running group dating discourse oh you want me to kill myself

y’all i started dating over the weekend and ended the following monday dancing in my kitchen loving being single my whole life its a long but short story but i will fill you in on friday i was talking to my friend on the phone about her love life and my lack of one and how i just missed having a person who i would talk to and flirt with and banter with all day and got a dating app later that night i was talking to people someone asked me on a date that night i think and i was just like mellow it was depressing seeing the faces swipe and thinking of all of these peoples backstories and coming to the conclusion that everyone on there was just lonely the next day i barely went on i swiped and messaged here or there and then sunday happened. i think to astrology and human design a lot and i got this message and i got excited like i wanted to respond it wasnt a person i had matched with it was someone just reaching out and i should’ve just not responded but i did anyway i start going back and forth with this guy and there is something there i dont know how to describe it but i was like interested in getting a response which is something i haven’t felt in so long and it felt good until it didnt until i felt like i had to respond like i had to entertain him and answer him and agree to meet him in person even though i hadn’t swiped yes and i hadn’t really seen much of him or anything anyway i was honest and maybe i was rude but i was honest something that i feel like i am usually not especially in a dating sense and im happy i did it because i was thinking about what i said all day monday and thought i was going to log off from work and just cry but i didnt cry i danced in my kitchen with music on and i lit an incense and sang and danced in my kitchen with the fairy lights and lamps on it was so perfect and it reminded me of when i was 21 22 and how content and happy i was then no man no partner none of that for so long i yearned for a partner for someone to sweep me off my feet someone to talk to and be there and i think it was really of selfish of me honestly i think its because i liked having someone to work off of in a way someone to find things that i loved about myself through or someone to teach me things i feel like my gemini venus is really showing out right now but yeah it was so selfish and i can admit that now but tonight i realized i kinda love being alone and being by myself and not having to answer to other people i like hanging out with my friends and being able to not be miss perfect im flawed and i fucking love it and i dont like feeling like i have to put on for people or be this perfect person i like not responding to people if i want to i like not having to think about what another person thinks of me or what they want me to say or how im supposed to act or talk or any of that i have missed the boy i talked about if you are listening its to late episode everyday but today i realized what i dont miss about him caring about what he thinks of me or caring about his feelings i am so immature right now and im just okay with it because i recognize it and im not going to willingly put another person through what im going through i want to be an individual i want to be creative my emotions are so up and down i physically cant be responsible for someone else’s at all times i look at my mom and how strong she is and how many peoples feelings she had to juggle at times was she perfect at it no hell no but looking at it now how the fuck could she be? and i DO NOT WANT THAT right now and if that changes in the near future great but right now i just want to be single and vibe and live my life and do HAILEY at work i am really bad at informing i know its key in my human design im a MG manifesting generator but i am just now getting better at communicating at work

I dont know if this makes sense but when corporate people complain about their jobs they dont complain to their bosses you know what I mean? I understand that influencing is a full time job that you cant off and its very stressful but I think the fluctuation of income is kind of apart of the job and many influencers refuse to become irrelevant even if its inevitable or happening I consume a lot of content and I think its so weird when one influencer says they are shadow banned and then next thing you know 1500 influencers are saying the same thing this is happening on tiktok right now and I think influencers are failing to realize that their content has peaks and ive heard from other influencers on podcasts and such that engagement goes down in the summer which makes perfect sense people are outside enjoying their lives

I think at the end of the day I am just jealous of influencers but the constant complaining and using it for content Is just so annoying to me I saw this tiktok of a girl talking about how her videos only trend when she is complaining and it makes me wonder about so many things like are we all just negative and seek negative attention and thrive off of it? Sometimes I feel that way.

I love when influencers embrace the ups and downs and iterate how hard it is to rely on influencing as a full time career and take the dips in views as a chance to be more personal and vulnerable with their audience instead of complaining and demanding their audience to do something to help their videos get boosted

It also makes me wonder if Emma chamberlains podcast about influencer culture is true in a different way to the point of me seeing influencers as normal people and them viewing themselves as micro celebrities and feeling entitled to relevancy and exposure without having earned it in a mainstream type of way where its harder for it to expire

Its really interesting I do wonder how influencer culture will change over time as the amount of people on social media expands and people wanting to become creators grows as well how will brand deals and sponsorships work in a oversaturated market?

I think my opinion on sponsorships has become more negative as well because I have been watching influencers since I was like a pre-teen I used to buy the makeup products now I just skip the ads a lot of influencers lack being genuine I loved when influencers actually worked with things they like and support without being paid for it I think thats why I love all of girlbosstowns tiktok pr ideas because they are actually practical. I think Emma chamberlain excels in that sense as well.

Anyways I just wanted to let you all know im shadow banned on here so let me know if you see this upload. Im kidding of course I literally dont understand why anyone would ever go on any platform and say that I thought after gabbie hanna did it people would realize how odd it looks but I guess not. Anyways thanks for listening :)

I had this crazy realization one day after work this week when I was driving.

Driving is so therapeutic to me and I finally made the connection to why. I once said there are so many things that we do because our parents do them but I never stopped to realize how different I am from my parents and why.

As a woman I have always had a weird relationship with the idea of being a mother but more specifically being a stay at home mother. At times in my life, I wanted to be a stay at home mom, be a teacher. And these are things my mother never wanted to be and things she never told me to be but why did I want to be them?

Growing up to two working parents, as a child I rarely saw them. I spent a good chunk of my life being watched by my best friends mom and my neighbors mom there I picked up so many habits.

I found my love for country music. My friends mom was a single mother so I saw her life and how she lived it and there were so many things I wanted to replicate so many things I cherished. And now when I drive aimlessly every weekend and listen to a lot of the country music I am doing so because of her. My parents never did any of that if it wasn’t for my time with her I wouldn’t do that.

It was so crazy to realize.

My quote was:

routine ignorance follow the leader

how many things am i doing just because my parents did them

how do you break a habit

I failed to realize its not just my parents and how important it is who you surround yourself with especially as a kid because it impacts so many things you grow to think and believe as an adult.

So this quote this thing that I wrote I analyzed on my old podcast with my friend and we talked about how it goes both ways there are things we solely do because our parents did and they can be so big or small that we don’t even think to change them and there are things we see our parents do that rub us the wrong way and we make sure that we never do them as an adult

The more I thin about it there is a connection to so many things through this thought because I think about why we know we don’t want to do something and its based on how we feel or what we learn which is usually learned from a source outside of our parents like school or teachers or friends

This makes me scared for society and the future because it reminds me of the banned books going on and Texas and the literal handmaids tale which ironically is on the banned book list

Ive always been super fascinated my fundamentalist culture and super religious groups like mormons and they are the perfect example of this they shield themselves and other followers of the religion from the outside world and a lot of super religious groups don’t believe in schools and this allows the brainwashing to continue and it just strengthens what I was talking about in my quote you just get further sucked in and those habits become generational curses.

Its so crazy because on Tiktok they often say that we are shifting to a white supremacist dictatorship and a society where everything is controlled by a small group of people like Gilead and sometimes I thought it was a stretch but the more I think about it the truer it becomes

listen to me yap with a throbbing headaches. i’m back on twitter y’all if i had a sound board i would be pressing the boo button. anyways getting back on twitter reassured the fact that i am easily influenced by others. I listened to taylor’s new album and wasn’t loving the first part but really liked the vibe of the double album.

i have been dreaming about being retired for a while now i think the closest my life has been to retired is the time i took off after college which was like a month maybe it was really nice to just live

recently i have been stomaching a large pit of anxiety i don’t know what it’s about but it’s bad and i can’t help but break the rules essentially at my corporate job to have a sense of freedom

my mom went on a trip to charleston south carolina for her birthday and after she called and d said i can’t help but picture you living there

i want to move so bad and make a move out of state but i can’t help but feel like an orphan as a black woman in america they don’t want us in america they don’t want us in africa honestly and my conservative town feels like it’s giving me the boot out

our society is crumbling and as much as i feel lazy for my lack of desire for a high stress career i’ve almost given up and just hoped for the schedule to be intervened and for me to at least partly love my retired life now

i used to strongly believe in the idea at reversing the retirement plan like living it up at 20 instead of 60 i was such an idiot there’s no way i would want to work like this at 60

okay i just finished a walk outside my life isn’t that bad

i heard recently that if you are worried that what you are saying will come off the wrong way then maybe you aren’t supposed to be talking to them or you aren’t as close as you think you are

i have this issue a lot where i’m constantly worried someone won’t understand what i mean or the meaning behind my words and how they impact that person and the situation i’m talking about

i feel it a lot with my parents and close friends like i can’t always say what i mean i feel like i am pushing people away to the point of having no one in my corner but i’m almost just mad at myself

i try so hard to be the person who is a good friend and who doesn’t gossip but at my lowest points i find myself becoming that person a lot

i realized recently that i am always looking for people to fix or who need fixing out of being younger and having friends essentially do that for me or always being enamored with people older than me and making them my friends to learn about what i had in the future i find myself now falling into the roll of trying to see the potential and people and then once the honeymoon phase fades they consistently let me down

i heard recently that when that happens it’s because you are expecting the people in your life to act as you would in that situation and they are going to be themselves no matter what

there are so many things i hate about myself one being how dependent i am on the measly people in my life

i’m always scared to say what i feel and literally be who i am because i’m scared i will end up losing someone i need or just solely want in my life and it’s not a good habit i go back and forth with wanting my immediate family in my life and i’ve gotten to the point where i just need to grow up and do things myself

there comes a point in adulthood where i look back at my childhood and how my brother is shaping to be an older teenager and just see all of the faults my parents made in both of us and how hard it is for me to just live in society

i think my parents failed both of us in a lot of ways and i just hope to one day be free from their wrath

i’m scared to live alone fully no friends and family but as the days go on both sets are dropping like flies and i know i am independent enough to do it myself but most times i just don’t want to.

Can we bring cool remixes back?

TMI about my entire life menstrual cycle things i’ve learned talking with old friends during mercury retrograde… hearing how people are talking about homeless people… pluto in aquarius i hope all the people get power and power shifts

talking about things that are pissing me off right now… complaining tbh the entire episode sorry in advance xoxo:)

LIMERENCE VIDEO

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EeL8NfOGbKM&t=0s

Ballerina Farm Thoughts, Kamala Harris J.D. Vance, The Olympics and Simone Biles

I was talking with my friend about the labrants name reveal a while ago and after seeing so many takes on their recent scandal I wanted to share my thoughts

I have always gotten bad vibes from the labrants mainly Cole but I really think a lot pf people overlook a lot of their awful decisions and qualities because of how ignorant they come off if that makes sense like Ive seen more takes about their outlandish baby names than the scandals they have caused by exploiting their children and their sicknesses which is fucked up

People always say if Maia knight was a person of color she would be face a lot more hate and I think the same is true for the labrants also maybe even if they weren’t as outwardly religious? I think this conversation also extends to mormon vloggers like 8 passengers as well who often use their religion to back their controversial decisions and opinions

I think about how I learned that in the mormon church women are practically raised to share their lives by blogging or vlogging and how its so similar to like missionary work in a way like getting your faith spread outwards to non-believers in order to get people to join your faith

Anyways what rubs me the wrong way about the labrants is how calculated it seems Cole was a viner and Savana was on social media as well but it was like once those two got together there was no world that they wouldn’t be blogging their family and their lives like its was out of the question which is a red flag to me I think of jessfam and how she didn’t set out to do YouTube as a career she did it to document memories and there is something about that that just seems so much more humble and down to earth and easier to digest if that makes sense to me Cole was always looking at the dollar signs

And I dont want to come off as religiously insensitive but I never liked how they both described Savanas pregnancy and pre-marital sex that created everleigh because the way I remember seeing it it was as if Cole was like judging her and like so outwardly against it since he successfully saved himself for marriage I just cant imagine being with someone who in a way like sees themselves above you because of a mistake you made like I just never liked that vibe and no matter how much she may regret it or not the fact that everleigh can look back and potentially see all of that content and how her mom feels about the situation is so screwed up

My main issue with family bloggers these days is that they know they are harming their kids in one way or another and they continue to do it in order to get a paycheck the logic is fucked because I feel like they look at is as okay some people dont have good intentions but most do so its okay like they are helping more people than they are hurting but I think about how they are always dancing they are always showing dancing videos of their children and doing tiktoks and it is known how hypersexualized the activity is and seen online and the harm done by dance moms and things like that and they continue to subject their young children to millions of eye online that they cant control I think about all of the info the dad challenge podcast has shown about the fan accounts and like going through childrens instagram accounts and how most of the followers are older males and I remember hearing Kaelin and kyrah talking about how birth videos do so well and how predators in jail would frequently watch family bloggers its just creepy and unsafe and the fact that each kid is jeapordizes without their consent is disgusting and not fair

I really hated how quickly it shifted from oh Zealand almost died to new baby name reveal its like you didn’t even take a break wait a little bit to post about the baby give the audience time to digest that information not that they even deserve it but nothing it was like this rollout and they could have editors who do the bulk of the work but the optics are just fucking weird.

my quote of the week: once you stop caring results will come; also no shade but if only we put terrible men under as pressure as women who share their lives. there is so much going on the world right now… thanks for listening also go watch oh! stephco https://m.youtube.com/@OhStephco

dating discourse, high standards, being a pick-me

teacher stories, spite, ohstephco, 

4b movement, 

angel reese, coaches, misogyny, kim mulkey, dawn staley

cancel culture

march madness

sports, makeup, force, fitting in,

Julia Fox and Kim K Conversations piss me off and it really feeds into how men treat women like dolls. Which is literally what Kanye West does

Every take online discussing the two women names could be replaces with two different barbie dolls instead and still make sense its gross and demeaning

The outfit comparisons, the podcast clips, the references to Kanye lyrics its so stupid and feeds into how there can only be one woman in a space

One female rapper, one pop-star women are always pitted against each other its ridiculous so many unnecessary feuds created because of our misogynistic society

Its annoying I could not give a single fuck about what either of them wear ever and its a headline when our world is currently falling apart

The worst part about this is as much as Julia is feeling the fire I really dont think she cares to duel Kim K

The kardashians are an example about how controversy and drama always wins and when we retract from following their drama and using it as entertainment do they stand on their own when they are private? Our society rewards the talentless and often hides the talented

Uplift women we can all succeed! There is room for everyone at the top if we make it!

And my feelings on this aren’t only reserved to the media Kim and Kanyes relationships combine so many things and effect so many people and how they identify if that makes sense

Kanyes clip on how he got the sex tape from Ray J and talking about how she cried and how she was used by so many people was so sick and disgusting because this relationship although it is beautiful I guess it talks about how awful people treated Kim Kardashian as a sex worker and how it takes a powerful man to change a woman’s status it so fucked up how women are shamed to be sex workers and men aren’t even talked about in that space the words that Kanye said in that interview he would’ve never shared if they were still together and then him talking about Pete and SNL was so possessive and it relates back to the doll narrative and how women aren’t seen as people who can think about themselves I saw this take online about how Kim Kardashian knows to never let a man hold her back she saw it with her mom she saw it in her previous marriages I think its so important to put yourself first in terms of your happiness and everything will fall into place after

I have been thinking so much about dating coworkers and like my guilty hopeless romantic pleasures that always end up bad and I love to like dream and fantasize and it takes me to such awful places and allows me to like build up the people I work with and bring them down and I think its because of like all of the rom-coms and fan fiction I read growing up

I think I need to learn like intrusive thoughts versus actual thoughts and desires and just boredom thoughts I cant tell the difference ever but every time I start a new job I look at every guy especially single guy as a possible partner and I dont know why and I dont know why I cant stop doing it

And the funniest thing about it is over time they share themselves and their personality and I began to literally hate them as I do with literally almost every man I have and it just like confirms my heterosexual biases but how they conflict with my desires

Like I am definitely attracted to women I think but I have never really had the real opportunity to crush on a girl in passing in real life thats a lie I did in college I guess but I never look at female coworkers the same way

The older I get and the more men I meet the less I feel attracted to men and when I have these work dreams or start picturing being partners with people from work its not because I am attracted to them physically at all I think its honestly my inner taurus and im attracted to the idea of stability financial stability I think selfishly thats my biggest peeve of being alone

I just need to find a fucking commune or platonic partner because most days I feel like a misandrist

I am walking Can You Keep A Secret? On Netflix with Alexandria Dassario from White Lotus and it kind of amplifies that idea and sentiment and I love that it kind of highlights the female ick towards men they are involved with or potentially inolved with and the more I think about icks and the many that I have I wonder where it falls in determining if you are a lesbian

Like I see so many girls constantly get the ick and I constantly get the ick and its like why are we so disgusted and cringey in response to males exhibiting normal and usually feminine behaviors?

I couldn’t tell you my sexuality if it was a life or death type thing but hopefully one day I find it and hopefully I will stop being this weird hopeless romantic sometimes I feel like I dream more than I live and its just a blocking and a blessing. Anyways thanks for listening.

Sidenote/word of advice: When I was 16 my older coworker once told me dont ever date anyone you work with it never ends up right and I think she might have been on to something there

Gossip girl is like a part of me I am so obsessed with tv and the amount of love I had for this show allowed me to be so excited for the reboot and I was really let down I am going to rewatch gossip girl season one and detail how I think I would rewrite the gossip girl reboot… I will definitely reference other seasons in this debrief because I have seen this show so many times I know it like the back of my hand An episode that I really liked of the reboot I liked the episode fire walks with z it had a strong correlation with the original and I could feel the manipulative scheming roots coming back out and I loved the references I believe there was one to Nates little black book! I know there was a lot of negative backlash from this episode on twitter but which episode didn’t get negative backlash? An episode that I didn’t like of the reboot Honestly I dislike them all so much cant even hone in one one but I think about one of the later episodes where they go to akis house thats upstate I believe? What pisses me off about this episode is how Julien tried to embarrass the girl obie was with I think it moved too fast paced the girl wasnt introduced very well and all the sudden she came to her senses and throws a party ? I don’t know it just didn’t really flow to me and then Whitney like saying just do this or deal with this and you’ll be accepted super weird like they were trying to set her up to be the Jenny but she doesn’t really Care obviously because she went off with her friend nothing is strong in this show its so weak in so many aspects What makes the reboot so bad? I think its easier for the original to have a specific era and look because its in the past and the gg reboot is now but I just feel like it misses the mark in so many categories Gossip girl being fueled by the teachers makes the show so much worse it creates these storylines that just suck like what I liked about the originals is that teachers were only involved if they had a direct scandal with the children or their parents not for stalking them as gossip girl like in my perfect mind gossip girl would’ve never ended after dan deleted it another would pop up just like it does in the last episode future of constance I don’t know why the reboot didn’t parallel to the ending in that manner the only person who would be able to know enough about the students to accurately be gossip girl would be a student most of the important things that went down in gossip girl weren’t always seen by a crowd and it would be hard to be standing outside of the palace and see scandals going down in a penthouse if you know what I mean its not realistic teachers have too much at stake to run a drama account The acting is awful its not believable What I do like about the reboot? What I like about the reboot that is similar to the original is the amazing soundtrack I just think it makes sense I love the diversity obviously but zoya shouldve been played by a fully black actress CONCLUSION HBO Max try harder you have so much material to analyze and tear apart to create an amazing reboot and it just doesn’t seem like you tried hard enough I hope season two is better and the things that made the original so good peak through but im definitely not going to get my hopes up!

im back from my break heyyyyy what's up!!!

Rich People Don't Know What It's Like To Be Broke

- Dave Ramsey, Caleb Hammer, Graham Stephan

- My No Spend Month Results

- Mortgage Rates

- Budgeting and Gen-Z

- Taxes

- Inflation

- Adult Realizations with Capitalism

- You can't budget your way out of poverty

- Equity

- One Day On Netflix Leo Woodall

- UK Love Tv Shows and Yearning

- The flatshare Amazon Prime - Soundtrack SUPERIOR

- Relatable Love Based Shows

- Bruce Survivor 44 and 45 https://x.com/Perrbruce/status/1750934564640334311?s=20

- Austin McBroom

- Dog with Button https://x.com/jennytheleo/status/1751810344522035289?s=20

- Dog on Treadmill

- Jlo https://x.com/FilmUpdates/status/1747635372345934082?s=20

- Anthony Ramos as Bob The Builder https://x.com/kirkxxs/status/1724464002506362888?s=20

- Grace Reiter https://www.tiktok.com/@reitergrace?lang=en

- Nicole Byers has chemistry with EVERYONE

- My ghetto black history month

- Mr and Mrs Smith on Prime Video

- Donald Glover Praise

- Loudermilk on Netflix

- My IDGAF era

- I hate when people critique mothers im over it

i have talked about my struggle with suicidal ideations on the podcast before but the amount of news i have seen recently of young people especially women committing suicide is alarming and i think it needs to be discussed

being suicidal isn’t fun it’s not something you do for attention it is something that happens because you are hurting and out country is hurting and no progress is being made these stories are becoming one in the same and it’s important for us to not lose focus and start creating a society where this doesn’t happen

so commonly

the rise of suicides in college aged people the rise of suicides following covid 19 outbreaks

JANUARY- i have no expectations for my progress i’m honestly just trying to get by i feel okay If theres anything Ive learned since the new year or right before from being chronically online its that I don’t have to treat myself as a brand I don’t have to constantly strive to become a better human and constantly try to kill all my bad habits as a creature of comfort I want to just start making decisions that I wouldn’t always necessarily do I am starting a new job now and maybe start being more outgoing and confident and just social I know that I will have a lot of changes in this next year and I don’t have to be perfect I want to make sure I am manifesting and checking in with tarot readers for transits and stuff because if there is anything I fell in love with at a certain time last year it is spirituality I didn’t start my dreadlocks in January but that Is okay I don’t even necessarily have to start them this year to still be moving towards that goal Choices I feel like thats what is most important Cold showers making a small change and sticking with it trying not to be a creature of habit and begin to do different things Today I started my first day at my new job in the closest city and I just feel so happy and excited working in a city felt so cool and I am so excited to be in this next path of my life I feel like ive gotten to the point where congratulating myself doing the bare minimum is New Years resolutions success like I didn’t do a grocery pickup order I walked around the store and for me thats a success and something that I also used as an eating disorder weightloss tool when I wos in the heat of it I don’t know its kind of just sad Not having to make yourself a brand I think the best thing I have heard and realized this month is that I dont have to work on this timeline I can move at my own pace and still reach my goals I wasnt forcing myself to eat a clean diet this month or anything like that but instead just following my body and the things I felt like doing I dont have to make myself this brand that is constantly doing and doing I feel like I will stop doing whatever I am trying to accomplish quickly I just try to make a change here or there and be mindful I finally scheduled my appointment for dreads and I think I am ready for this journey honestly i sturggled a lot this month with food and getting outside and getting my anxiety under wraps and it’s something that i think will change this year DECEMBER- I can feel my manifestations starting to unfold which is exciting and hopefully everything will go as planned for so long ive always told people compliments but i haven’t been very transparent something ive been doing that i’m not sure if it’s consciously or not is telling people their strengths and things i admire in them but also being transparent about what i need from others something i have never been good at it boundaries are definitely something i am still learning still strong on no fast food no soda and i also cut off coffee shocking so shocking this month has felt like the build up before a big cry like many days after work i get in my car and just break down the holidays are coming up and i’ve come such a long way but i still feel like i don’t measure up id love to end this saying that i feel good and great and amazing and excited for the next year and while im excited im also judy really sad i miss feeling like i have a place to call home i think i miss living in a house and feeling loved you know which is sad but just true im struggling a little bit and that’s okay i started taking ashwagandha to soothe my anxiety and ive stuck with some of my healthier habits but i think in my career i feel shitty first christmas alone coming up and im nervous but i know i will be okay ive fallen back in love with this podcast and being creative so im excited to get back into that element soon thanks for listening and i hope everyone had a great holiday and new years :)

women can change the world seriously they have done it so many times i have been a little angry lately but today something happened today something was ignited that i have thought about many times but never like put all the pieces together car troubles and misogyny how can we change the system i went on a trip for work and had to drive over 500 mike’s and when i got home my tire pressure light came on my car so in the back of my head all week i was like oh i need to go stop where i got oil changes to get my tires filled up so i got up bright and early this morning to go for a walk and then o was like let me go to take 5 it’s open so i went and the guys there are so nice it’s so expensive and the guy filling up on my tires was definitely on a pre workout high he literally said it to the other workers he was like oh i think you have a slow leak on this tire go to this place down the road and oh i went because i was concerned - [ ] when i went in these people were so hell bent on me getting all 4 tires and i was like no and he was like why and i was like uh i don’t want to pay the guy next to me started laughing i waited while they changed the one faulty tire and another man came out and said my name i was like awesome let me get out of heee but no he’s like you should fix this and this when are you gonna get new tires i tell him later like in a month or two and he keeps saying do you have any questions i heard this a lot today and the thing is let me honestl i don’t know shit about cars and this is my dilemma i’m stubborn i’m on my period i’m angry i’m black i was raised. to go with my dad to do car stuff and i don’t think he knows stuff either but things always. go smoother when there is a man present but here’s my issue when do i know when i - [ ] being jacked or when it’s serious like were they trying to me to pay more money or were they being nice and trying to help me i’ll never know me i have an old episode called SNL SKETCH ideas don’t go listen to it or sucks but this could literally be one bowen yang recently did an episode where he reviewed the sketch bowens gay with sydney sweeney and she talked about how she wanted to give america what they wanted and do tit jokes and yea love that but sydney!!!!! girl i need your help with the car stuff! like i had this idea a few years ago to learn how to things that society has categorized as masculine to help girls im general and single women i think we need car shops that are all female mechanics we need more transparency with what it takes too own a vehicle and maybe i’m just the isidro and everyone else knows but i think it’s so important i know gabbie egan is also a trained mechanic i would subscribe so quickly to a female mexhanic teaching girls how to change their oil change their tires and stuff maybe i need to just go to a trade school or something but this like ignited a fire in me misogyny is so rampant in society right now and i’m done with it i will be going with my dad next time i see him to assess my tires and maybe get new ones but this little event really pissed me off because it seems like everything jnvolved with cars is so predatory and scammy most people have debt from cars most people go into debt to get cars and we talk about things like rent that beee to be stabliliRd and i agree whole heartedly but a lot of things need to be reformed i also think jobs that are based off commission negatively impact poor people and are predatory there is something about the business side of thing and people just being so gross that makes me so mad i don’t know why i’m sorry maybe this sounds insane but like sydney please do somtbintg!!!! but like no women were wiring in that entire shop and it was big and i’d like to see that personally like i would’ve felt more comfortable talking to a woman i don’t know we live in a man’s world and there are so many boys clubs let’s make some more girls ones

i was talking to my friend about how i had beef with her because i saw on her twitter that she had retweeted this tiktok of this guy who no offense was so negative and was saying that if you liked the rupaul drag race season 15 finale you are easily pleased and pretty much just shitting on people who enjoyed it and the finale and i was kind of offended and confused because i thought the finales were like always boring but then i started thinking like how we could spice it up and i have some thoughts i want to share with you first i remember seeing a video of people voting for miss congeniality for season 10 and they would like go to peoples dressing rooms and i really liked seeing that clip and i think showing that prior to the crowning would be nice to see also i thought about big brother and the penultimate episode of each season where they go back and show bloopers i know we missed so much with the cutting down of the episodes this year airing some more fun things or people talking more about the design and stories of their looks would be so interesting editing in the inspired drawings or references talking to the designers seeing the fittings i would really enjoy that i also just thought of this after watching naysha lopez on all stars 8 and seeing the tweet about how she goes home on most of the drag race episodes she’s been on but then thinking about how she hosts the roscoes party which is like huge in the drag world and how that’s what queens do they host they perform and i feel like that isn’t always properly showcased on the show take the final two girls to a bar and have them perform let’s see how they collect tips how they work off an audience that is entertaining to me you can still have the big production but to me it just lacks when they are on this big stage and it’s not realistic to what most actually do as a career i want to see more icons and drag superstars in the audience being mean and nice i want to see judging bring in that pageantry vibe give american idol a little bit i love that i wanted to see winners in the audience more of them i always think of season 7 or 8 when all of the winners are on the stage with rue that is iconic i want iconic moments i want the celebs who support to come out and perform with the queens we saw orville peck but id also love to see like a we are the world vibe but poppy and campy with like ariana or lizzie i don’t know just throwing shit out there i know this came out so long ago now but i just wanted to talk about it some more!

I wake up and go to work I barely make it through the day throughout that time I dream of a life I am not living of people who are no longer in my life and to be a person that I am not.

I doom scroll first thing in the morning and spend all of my personal hours doing the same. Comparing my life to other occasionally chatting with friends and family. On a good day a call with someone makes me laugh or I read a book maybe take a walk. But those moments before I close my eyes again I am aimless scrolling on social media waiting for it to inspire me to do something. 

It sucks. It’s not the life I want to live. 

I think about spirituality and manifestation so much and after watching this movie it just made me realize how self-centered it can be if you allow it to. 

I can’t control everything. I can’t control other people. I can’t make everything in my life perfect. But I can try to be the best version of myself at all times. I can try to accomplish my goals. I can try instead of giving up.

I talk about my serotonin addiction on here a lot and I go through spurts of being really good and really bad but I’m going to say it now hopefully it will stick. I am going to stop spending so much time online. 

This was something I realized yesterday. The astrological transits right now are crazy hopefully I will be able to talk about that soon but I had just went too long seen too much and I was on tiktok and it helped me cook dinner and I was just overall very depressed yesterday and was wondering why. 

I decided to say no more social media tonight and for the first time in a long time I did my night routine i watched a movie without having tons of tabs up I was alone with my thoughts before bed it was just different. 

We all have a day that we live over and over again and i hope that in the future my day will be one where i am living my dream instead of something i dread. 

I am not perfect. No one is perfect. I heard on a podcast today someone said “I am the worst person I know” you know all of your flaws you know your deepest darkest secrets and you will never know someone to the extent that they know themselves. 

Oddly I think i try so hard to make my life a movie but watching this movie I made myself realize how my life isn’t one. 

I want my brain back. I want to do things because my brain told me to do them or because I saw it physically and was inspired. 

The internet is amazing and has connected us in so many ways. But at the end of the day I think too much of a good thing wont be a good thing for long. I know i have said that 1000 times on here but honestly it feels different now.

What is your groundhog day? And do you love it or do you hate it? Do you want to change it? It’s up to you decide. 

Thanks for listening and let’s see what comes of this little social media break! Thanks again hopefully I will be inspired to talk more now.

i am a HUGE big brother fan and have just been realizing so many things about it this week watching this season begin to play out and something that kind of makes me feel weird is how it is literally two shows i don’t like to watch the live feeds i like to read the tweets i don’t know why i’ve always just preferred it more but in these past few seasons i’ve been more into that then the actual show and i think it allows big brother to be a bigger show because they are so vastly different the overproduction the corniness of the produced show on tv versus the raw not sensored live feeds where you really get to see the cast for how they are

i really loved last season i was so invested in the players but i feel like it does take time to know them and get to that point something i keep thinking about is when is the game manipulated like when have we learned the lesson too much seeing the girls alliance constantly fail and the racism and microagressions towards block women for no particular reason is so hard to watch like the similarities to season 21 are uncanny but at the end of the day is it because they have watched 20 and see taylor as bayleigh? how difficult is it to think of a person as themselves instead of their casting archetype?

it makes me wish that there could be a season of recruits who aren’t allowed to watch the show or if there was a season that in the diary rooms the players saw how they looked to the outside world like the cast wasn’t even in the bubble for 48 hours before bullying someone for just being themselves

i love the game of big brother so much that i know i could never go on and i love the older seasons like season 10 when they are constantly going for peoples throats but there’s something about my critique on new big brother that makes me feel so much more sensitive i don’t know it just pisses me off anyways

i am excited for the cbs challenge because it is bringing back people i loved on big brother and love island which i can’t believe was cancelled i loved that too but CBS listened when we said we wanted more people of color and less racism on 23 but i do want to see successful female alliances and less bullying i think that was what i liekd about the older seasons it wasn’t bullying everyone could hold there own now it’s just like divide and conquer and the power is never split evenly the big alliance thing ruined the game for real well hopefully i am wrong and this season gets better but tbh where is whoever casted for last season? i need them back! i would love to design the house for big brother or cast like for cbs in general that’s like my dream job

thanks for listening!!!!

i was thinking this morning about why I haven’t had any good valentines day or how ive been single my entire life and how I could give myself a cute valentines day but it all came down to the fact that valentines day isn’t real

My mind went back to middle school and wanting to be someones valentine

My mind went back to high school and wanting to have a cute date night on valentines day

And its like this romance that I have always wanted but never gotten to experience and its still somehow fueled by capitalism

This materialistic ass holiday with the cutest decorum and sweets that makes me so envious and sad

I love romance I love romance movies I love romance books and I think thats what has made me realize how brainwashed I am and how stupid I am when I see real life sad, difficult, and how unromantic it is

And although this holiday is so fake that doesn’t lessen my yearning for wanting myself to have it anyways since im bored and Ive never gotten to have one lets manifest my perfect valentines day

Sadly valentines day this year is on a fucking Monday what a Debbie downer

My perfect valentines day would definitely NOT be on a Monday it would be on a Sunday

Sundays are amazing its especially in the morning its like that breath of fresh air the roads are always clear and open the air always feels better I always feel like I can explore the world on a Sunday morning

Anyways I -

When I started writing this I didn’t know what to say and I think its because my perfect valentines day is probably spent alone or with friends as much as I yearn for romance and shit I think I would have the ick the whole day if it was with a romantic partner

My perfect valentines day would start with a walk a beautiful walk where the sun is colored to perfection I would see it rise on my walk the air would feel fresh there would be huge trees everywhere and colorful flowers it would just be amazing I would feel so refreshed after my walk my playlist would be curated so perfectly that every song played made sense and made me want to belt the lyrics at the top of my lungs I would drink a nice cup of water before heading back home to a breakfast like chicken and waffles with orange juice I would take a shower and a bath probably too using the best products ever like bath and shower bombs and bursts with music blasting colored lights a natural plant in the shower just like amazing vibes and then I would probably take a nap or watch a movie like TATBILB and bake and just feel like I had nothing to do and the crazy thing is there is an alternate universe where I am living that life everyday and hopefully one day I will be able to live it anyways if you feel like valentines day has caused you anxiety and you feel bad for not having some perfect movie like day I understand I want to say everything happens for a reason but honestly I don’t know if thats true or helps I would say look to the stars and spend this day with friends and loved one or just doing what you love!!!!

i have been having some short stays on dating apps recently and just wanted to talk about what  i’ve seen 

i don’t have a lot of friends in the area i live in or in general and i’m bored and sometimes want to date a little bit or hookup with people so that’s why i go on i go on not really looking for anything serious but some things on there just piss me off 

i know it probably sounds rich coming from me but i hate when peoples profiles or like bios i guess are negative 

it’s like setting the tone for them to just be a pessimist and negative like my first introduction to you is you complaining about something or also like putting your past experiences on dating apps onto people you don’t know 

i feel like on the apps you have to have an open mind and be open to anything and starting it out with a negative thought instead of a positive one tells a lot about your character 

if i see workout partner or let’s go to the gym together i automatically assume no fatties and swipe no like hell no it’s giving andrew tate or someone in that universe told you to say that and it’s so obvious and uncomfortable literally don’t want to be hatecrimed 

the profiles with memes or black screens as the picture like cmon i know it’s intimidating but what do you expect to happen so many times i’m on these apps im embarrassed of what i do or i don’t look like but i put myself out there everytime anyway 

boring conversations guys with no rizz like please try to be entertaining if i ask you a question ask it back it’s giving that vine 20 questions thing like just immediately getting sexual and just trying to hookup you’ve got to swoon me a little bit i also don’t want to hookup with someone with no swag 

putting your insecurities onto the other people or using stereotypes to try to slide your way in i think i’m kinda hypocritical on this one with the gym sit and honestly i’ll be that hypocrite lol but i think i feel this one from being black

like guys will be like ??? or use weird ass slang and shit if they aren’t black and like question why i’m into them and my type or whatever failing to realize that women usually aren’t really specific in their type and what attracts women to men is different than what attracts men to women like personally i find so many different types of men attractive and so many different qualities and hobbies attractive my type is SO broad if i swiped i swiped don’t try to think of yourself as less or not my type based on who you assume is my type

the person so willing to meet and know more information about you like bro cool it i’ve talked to you for 5 seconds

i hate how addicting swiping is tho but i will continue for a while and tell you all the highlights here are some stories i have for you 

Let me say some positive things i can’t be negative only in this episode i love that you can see peoples music taste and top artists and songs on some apps like everytime i see morgan wallen i swipe no but i live music so bonding with people over that or going to concerts and festivals is really fun i also like when it tells you if you share a hobby or something of that sort it makes it easier and i just like when guys are nice and sweet not like you are so pretty but just like when they care to get to know you and not just try to get in your pants when the conversation is moving well and then they ask you out but they aren’t like consistent in an off putting way but instead kind of just like go with the flow i freaking love that 

for me i feel like the perfect person to find on a dating app would be someone just like that normal has a cool job cool hobbies likes music and stuff like that not necessarily only the music i like but a little overlap is kinda just trying to chill and vibe and is good at texting and open to go with the flow be a little spontaneous i think someone who kind of lets my shine

my thoughts on this sunday morning

I was listening to Kiera breaugh talking about her experience dating girls and literally like one minute in something clicked she said something along the lines of how when existing in a heterosexual relationship both parties male and female kind of know how it will work out and it painted me this vision

I thought of a guy setting his sights on a girl and asking her out and then they start dating and the guy is so simple minded he believe thats it like they are going to stay together and get married and have kids and the woman starts having doubts and I see the woman say she doesn’t want this and then it flashed back to the guy having like this tower moment where everything suddenly wasnt in his control out of whack and since he hadn’t learned any coping mechanisms and believed that his way of settling down and finding a girl didn’t necessarily require her consent or he didn’t even think of that scenario he was suddenly embarrassed and she became a villain in his eyes and i think this has 100% happened

The rise in domestic violence has been insane in the past few weeks I have heard one too many stories about women being stalked and killed by previous or current partners and I believe we need to have some unlearning done in regards to dating and traditional values

As a women I always grew up waiting to be picked. And I think more women need to start picking themselves if that makes sense any male person who showed attraction my way I was constantly enthralled because I had seen so many stories of like the sterotypical Disney princess and I think it also made it hard for me to really come to terms with my sexuality as well Rebel Wilson recently came out and said a quote similar like I was looking for my Disney prince but I didn’t realize I needed a Disney princess

Toxic masculinity has divided the development and ideals of males and females so much to the point of hatred from both sides and again I think it all boils down to the way both genders are raised and how it is shown in the media

Boy asks out girl Boy proposes to Girl

Id love to see the statistic of successful relationships when it goes the other way because I think it would be shocking. Girls are always told to find a husband to find someone to take care of you but how many women are settling or over looking the red flags to feel a sense of comfort that could soon turn into their death. Im sorry that was dark but its like our world is quickly breaking into this dark hell honestly and everyone is too focussed on their individual goals to think of society as a collective.

i weirdly got to this thought when i was thinking about how some shows are created based off of other successful shows i was thinking of how yellowjackets is a mix of the wilds and this is us with the soundtrack of euphoria for some reason it reminded me of being reprimanded and punishment

why do we always feel like in order to teach someone a lesson we have to inflict physical or mental pain i have a lot of opinions about jail and more specifically the death penalty i am so against the death penalty it’s not even funny the point of it disgusts me and the biggest oxymoron hypocritical thing i see is conservatives super religious christian’s being okay with playing god i think it also should be noted that black people and people are more likely to be imprisoned and killed by the death penalty and the amount of mistakes the amount of unsolid cases that wrongly allowed someone to be persecuted is disgusting

i also think if you are so for wanting someone to think about the crime they committed and live an awful life killing them is an easy way out for that they aren’t even giving the time to think about their crime

i don’t think anyones life should be taken away for a crime that they did i don’t want the things i say in the episode to make it seem like people who committed awful crimes should just be given a stern talking to but also who are you to decide someone’s fate? we come into this world not choosing to be born just being here and now you are saying this person gets to choose if someone else lives or dies? i don’t understand and this is not similar to abortion in any right because just like i said before we don’t choose to come here and we get to choose our lives trajectory we get to choose if and when we have children but i just don’t think it’s right that we’ve created this caste system this hierarchy where people can choose for someone else i don’t know it really upsets me

i think about kids and when you are doing something wrong some are forced to endure mental pain via verbal abuse and some even feeling physical harm why can’t things just be discussed and understood i am such a fan of gentle parenting because a lot of kids brains aren’t even fully developed when they experience this pain and begin to pass it down to their families because they feel it was okay because their parents did it

especially when you make the connection between whooping your kids and slavery and how we haven’t evolved as a race to realize why we do that and how traumatic it is and how we are continuing the pattern of slave trauma in our people

i think about that quote about how we are mixed with the most racist misogynistic disgusting slave owners like we have our blood and how apparent it is how we fall into racist thought processes and ideologies against black peoples and other races as well it’s so scary and i just want psychological strides and an outrage of physical abuse on children

the more entries i make the more i realize im trying to understand my childhood trauma and healing my inner child my inner child is sad :(

thanks for listening and try to talk things out instead of inflicting physical or mental pain onto the people you love and cherish

i would make this real housewives-esque four parts need an impartial guest and to be on a platform that allows them to break the fourth wall

i would get overwhelmed hosting but i would write the script also i really think they could lead it themselves with a producer off camera guiding questions just more focus on the cast and their answers to questions

question people follow up questions

andrea - defend yourself from leah’s comments about being there for the wrong reasons, open up about how it looks like you want to be an influencer based off of your content on tiktok if leah’s comments weren’t wrong why would you do that? what changed how can we not credit your switch up to social media when you were singing a different tune right after you got versus now which is true? how hard was it for you to see rob embarrrassed of you why don’t you have smoke for him like tell him how he made you feel and what if felt for someone to like love you so much and then turn away from you when you se going through so much getting so much hate

kenny take us through your head during casa what conversations did you have with catherine that made you want to bring her back what did bringing her back mean to you personally do you regret it talk about the things you had in common did you expect jana to bring someone back talk about josiah and hip ripping your shirts how it felt to see so many men talking poorly about jana all season and dragging her through the mud have you stood on business outside the house what do you say to people saying you and jana’s relationship is fake?

kordell

how did it feel to hear the tweet about daia do you regret your casa amor experience how does it feel to be winners of love island did you expect your brother to be a plot point this season? what are your thoughts on this season and the couples and the drama post villa

kendall

do you feel comfortable about talking about the video? if so take us through the feeling of that moment are you pursuing legal action who from the villa has supported you during this tough time who has switched up how do you feel about people questioning your sexuality what would your advice be to someone going through this situation you have been out a lot since the villa and have gotten to a little bit of drama concerning colorism in sections do you know what colorism is and have you learned anything about it since this situation what was your mindset going into casa amor and going into the villa it was giving friendship island or boys island for you

honing i’m on the final four love story more in depth understanding of the casa decisions girls versus boys how they acted.

insert clips post villa and rise to fame infographics. statistics about this season

how social media has impacted the season the party with kendall and kenny

microagressions call her daddy and cancelled of it all uncomfortable conversation about race and how women were treated

bullet point list ot jana’s points sped up so people can pause and read at the end

montage of all the things filmed right after casa universal flashes of social media clips

the rob island of it all productions interference questions things people were upset weren’t included and were misconstrued

apology chair everyone picks someone to say an apology from and everyone asks someone to explain why they did xyz

this is so crazy but i also would have had a intense theme like i know people say this vast reminds them of like a jersey shore or something maybe if make that the theme like 2000s reality tv a lot of people looked like they were going different places a theme would’ve been so funny for the clips people would be like why are they stressed like snooki in 2011 it would’ve made it so much more iconic also this cast is so fashionable i know leah kordell serena and jana would’ve ate with a theme also they are fucking funny the jokes they would be joking when asked about the theme who styled them

my dreams always throw me for a loop like i always vividly dream but i only truly remember some i have a few characters that always make an appearance but this one person is like top dream repeater like always in it and he’s taken many forms in my dreams but my one last night was interesting he was just supporting me flirting with me that’s it like just present he was outspoken stubborn and confident earlier that night i had started planning my resolutions for the next year and i wrote down be more social and lively and outgoing and friendly and confident for so long i was like why is this person in my dreams we share the same sun sign like we have similarities it’s because i see myself in him and there are qualities in him that i want to have i always felt so weak so lonely and sad and i think him being in my dreams shows that as well i have always wanted support from someone who understands someone who is similar in a way also this podcast is fucking crazy because i have talked about this person and dreams on here and i just realized he had character development in my dreams like wtf because in real life he said something off the wall to me and in my dream he was defending me against racism and prejudice i think that is something i feel in my life a lot especially at work i will never be a white girl and i will never get treated as such i know i have to prove myself and work harder to be valued and appreciated and it’s so hard and im so over it im going to keep going to bat for myself and try to embody that person when i want to recoil and just let people take advantage of me and the singing oh the fucking singing singing is almost always prevalent and i am finally putting the pieces together to why since i was a little girl i have always LOVED music and singing and this person represents that as well and they sang as well i love singing and this year i have really loved dancing and would i love to be a singer yes but i don’t think that’s possible i think it’s about following your passions and the things you want to do ive really been obsessed with dancing lately just like having fun and i think that’s kind of what it symbolizes anyways this is fun to do sometimes when my life is boring and i want to think if anyone is listening and wants help thinking through a recurring dream reach out! thanks for listening also shout out to the dude in my dream you have aided in so much growth for me thanks bro!

i was thinking about chappell roan and how she’s come out a lot recently about being stalked and followed and it got me thinking about like marshmello and orville peck and how men can kind of shield their faces and reach success and not have to deal with what being famous means in terms of like being stalked and recognized in pub lic to the same levels as people who do show their face

i think about drag artists and how chappell is a drag queen pretty much and how a lot of people can’t recognize drag queens outside of their drag and they feel like they can kind of shape shift and turn it off and blend into normal life a lot easier but how chappell roan isn’t really afforded that opportunity even though she literally looks so different when performing

i feel like with how society is progressing and the importance of unique art there should be a compromise

in a perfect world i would just want people to be like fucking normal to celebrities but people are just crazy like when chappell roan said the comment about like random people coming up and hugging her and taking pictures to me i was like okay a picture i get i also understand saying no but if random people came up to me on the street asking me for a hug i would freak out like that is so weird to me i would never do that to someone

anyways i feel like we should use ai and technology to our advantage in situations like this like imagine if chappell roan appeared as an AI or had someone who wants to be famous be her publicly but wasn’t actually her and maybe it was like a known thing like chappell roan doesn’t reveal her identity

like i know this doesn’t fully work like she’s q performer obviously but i wonder how many talented people are very good at one aspect of their job but not all of it let’s make it like a co-op idk

this reminds me of SIA also using maddie ziegler as a muse and shielding herself with her hair

like i feel like this is something we are going to start seeing more in the future and i think it would actually be really interesting

i feel like with the pop girlies and famous people we always want to see triple threats but sometimes i feel like i prefer someone who stands and barks like sometimes true talent is limited to one area this is also something that isn’t expected of men or even pop men like i think about the dua lipa hate a few years ago and back to the behind the scenes thing i think about the ashanti jlo lip syncing thing jlo is a perfect example she loves being famous she takes any avenue she can to keep her fame and relevancy this is a compliment i’m honestly not a jlo hater but like she can’t sing like that’s people critique of her she is beautiful a great actress it’s like nice clothes were made for her to wear jlo is someone who should be seen by the world i don’t think this is true but maybe sometimes like ghost writers and background singers and people who do demos for artists want to just stay in the background and work on their craft

and sometimes when they try to become a triple threat and do every part it all falls apart and they lack longevity and success i think about megan trainor who’s solo music i love but i also don’t fully know if she was meant to be pop star famous like it seems like her personality gets her in trouble a lot like that’s someone that you shouldn’t hear from as much

i also think that telling celebrities that they don’t have to interact with media outlets or do press junkets or perform is an answer to this question too like more people should be doing what they love but again at the end of the day chappell should be able to perform and be herself and be seen and not feel anxious and watched and stalked 24/7 but this was just something i was thinking about at 3:30 am thanks for listening

I moved and I regret it. I regret wasting time on a dream that wasn't mine. Why am I doing so much for a company that doesn't inspire me? I feel incompetent because I have lost any spark that I previously had. It's time for me to take my life into my own hands.

- social media break part 1000

- vision board issa rae

- the color purple praise

- found nbc praise

- what happened in 2023 video https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sJs_64OUpEs 

- dream crumbl menu

- paris hilton obsession

- kathy and paris singing to north west https://www.instagram.com/reel/C1RSE3BratJ/?igsh=NjZiM2M3MzIxNA%3D%3D

my new years goals/resolutions

• to buy a house 

• to become healthy overall

• to be active 

• to have successful side hustles

• to learn spanish

• to have consistent hobbies

• to be mentally stable

• to be financially stable 
  
• to be happy, inspired, and content 

• to excel at my career and move it forward positively 

hopefully it will be bigger and better in 2024 :)

What is my dream?

I want to be wanted. I want to be admired. I want to be the person that someone thinks of at night. I want to be the person that someone plans the conversations out with before they even happen. I want my existence to mean something to someone else. I want to love another person fully and be able to explore it privately and publicly.

I want someone to spend time with. I want to feel like I'm living in a love song. I want to be passionate about another person.

I have felt so alone my whole life and I don’t want to feel that forever. It’s like I've dreamed so much for so long to the point where I can't even come up with my own love story anymore.

I had this weird feeling recently.

To me a perfect pair is people who enjoy the same things. I don't necessarily know if that's true particularly but I always looked at the people i had love for as perfect matches to me because of certain things whether they were actually pivotal or not. But what I feel is happening now is those things meaning so much more because they weren't things I was doing to impress someone but things I do because I love them.

And the feeling of imagining that passion from loving someone and both loving certain things seems fucking perfect.

I want to feel like I was right. Like that I can orchestrate things perfectly. Like maybe just maybe this one sided relationship I created in my head could work.

At the end of the day I’m a dreamer. And something that I dream of is a life-long story. I dream that somehow, somehow, even if it's not always the person that I am dreaming about. Those things pan out for a reason. I overlook things a lot and analyze the smallest of things and interactions to aid in my daydreams but I wish for things to go my way.

I want to truly feel beautiful. I have a lot of flaws and look at my body and my flaws as unlovable and I want to be proved wrong. I want to be with someone who makes me feel like the prettiest person in the room.

Someone that I once admired dearly and someone who I once thought could be my forever has peeked his way into my mind again and there is this loss of attraction, this loss of sight of what once was. But it just doesn't feel like a coincidence. So I'm looking to a higher power for a sign, a voice of reason, just someone, because feeling alone is becoming very unbearable.

My thoughts on the Okbaby Break-up | Misogyny and Teen Parents on Youtube

I think in the first episode of this podcast I discussed my obsession with family bloggers as a teenager I think it stemmed from my childhood issues and I wanted to know the tea about taking care of kids because I was a babysitter and childcare assistant

The first family I really watched after shaytards was ok baby and I want to say that as an adult I think all of these families are so fucked up and I don’t watch family channels at all anymore because I think the whole premise is completely fucked up

But I do retain a lot of useless information so I was really taken back by the comments on okbabys break up video

This is all speculation

Their relationship was so toxic and in my opinion Oscar created a lot of chaos for Kyras life

He would get over vlogging and editing and it would be tossed over to her even though she had her own business, her own channel and also took a lot of care of the kids

Oscar would get really into his hobbies and put the kids off onto babysitters instead of taking care of them

He was just overall careless constantly getting injured injuring the kids because of his negligence and causing a lot of emotional distress to kyra

I think back to when kyra accidentally had that instagram live of them fighting and how their relationship has been toxic from the start or also how I heard a clip about how the two didn’t even enjoy spending time with each other? It was just really odd

I feel like since they were teen parents they never really had time to grow up and realize what they actually wanted in a relationship or partner

I think back to when they moved to Utah and robert and winter moved in with them or when kyla lived with them for a few years they never wanted to be alone I think this could also Be because they moved to Utah and there really wasnt anyone else there for them to be around but then I stop and think how much of all of that was solely for content?

It also seems like Oscar has some skewed viewpoints in my life it seemed like he forced a lot of things on Levi at younger ages maybe to create independence but also so they could spend more time together he’s very overbearing in a sense in the way that he treated Kyras emotional issues and anxiety like when he would force her to step out of her comfort zone and things like that I feel like that could become taxing on a person

The comments were like poor Oscar kyra is so over the realtionship but wouldn’t you be over it too?

Hes kind of a man child and I think kyra has her faults too but she was just more mature in comparison and it seemed like she actually cared about having a career she started the channel had her solo channel created a brand like I feel like she made a lot of motherly sacrifices when Oscar was just kind of figuring his self out with no real responsibilities

Like the traditional gender roles were switched but he didn’t really do his

I think this shows that their audience is mostly children because he’s not an amazing parent in my eyes he is just physically present like the bar is so low he treated her like shit they were never really compatible on that level they both had different desires

And the comment that irks me the most is the vasectomy comment because even I know that he didn’t want anymore babies she didn’t “force” him to get a vasectomy she wanted to have more kids its not healthy for her to do but I think she knew that if the relationship ended she would want to pursue them in the future I think its wack that people are saying that and there is a lot of misogyny in this situation and how people are viewing it

#teamkyra

so first of all I got my hair done today I got crochet faux locs and I had this like breakdown about how weird it was going to be to go back to work with 24 inch extensions in my hair because I've been walking around with my natural hair and my hair in a blown-out frizzy bun and I was just thinking about how like switching up your hair styles has always been like this thing for me that freaks me out I'm a taurus I'm so keen on not changing things I remember when I was in high school I would wear clip in hair extensions and I would keep them in at all times I had to wash them out during the week weekend and put them right back in I had to make sure I had them in like there's a thing about turn around if you don’t want people to see you without your hair like you wanted it to like make sense in their brains and that such a toxic way of thinking and it's so harmful to black women and men because I'm sitting here with this hair that I chose to put in my head I wanted to have extensions I'm protecting my natural hair why am I caring about other people's opinions and like optics and how they view me? Birth Control White Supremacy and Black Hair Squid Game Youtube Family Vloggers Anti depressants Seasonal Depression

personally i love love and dating related shows love is blind is definitely my favorite because it takes away all of the things that make me self conscious in terms of dating like falling in love with someone’s brain sounds literally amazing to do and that’s something i plan on doing in my lifetime

this season made me feel so many emotions and just made me have hope in others relationships and the possibility of finding a real connection

so i’m going to talk about the relationships my thoughts on the cast and what these relationships exhibit and what they seem like to me

i think so far with what i’ve seen this season is definitely comparable with season one i find myself liking more cast members and rooting for more relationships this season which i love

one problem i have with the show is you don’t see conventionally unattractive people or people who don’t meet the beauty standard finding love and seeing how those relationships work in real love id also love to see queer people in the spaces as well but this show is so amazing i hope to have many more seasons where things like what i discussed previously are seen

I have also seen this critique of the show everywhere the rules of the pods should be more clear and probably seen in more depth I’d love to see how long people talk in the pods like I cant help but imagine Lauren and Cameron being kicked out of the pods for talking to long and how cool would it be to have a set schedule where you have to switch every hour but also being able to talk to whoever you want at night that should be explored more

really enjoyed the trying on dresses part this season I thought it was very cute and special although a lot of people were hoping none of these marriages went through I thoroughly enjoyed the season and I think I will always love the premise of this show I saw a video talking about how they found the cast off of instagram and dating apps and I kind of thought that was cool for other cities I hope they do nyc and dc or Charlotte I think those would be dope but I bet they will do west coast next

episode 10 thoughts:

i dont think nick and danielle should’ve gotten married they are too fiery and their fights just make the two seem like they really don’t understand each other i do think they will work it out for at least a little while i don’t know if i see them together forever

i still fucking hate shake and i’m happy deepti said no the way he talked about her was disrespectful and she deserves better

i don’t even know if i’m surprised natalie said no shayne needs so much validation and there fight seemed heated im happy she said no honestly

i’m happy sal said no as well tbh the couples this year are just not strong but i wasn’t sure mallory really loved sal but i truly believed sal loved mallory but i think he realized she didn’t love him as much as he loved her

please lord let lauren and cameron host next season thank you very much and i need a reunion also i still really love this show and it’s something i want to see become a long term series

the finale was a let down tbh and i hope that the  reunion is better

it almost seems like these teen moms have a plot that they are supposed to follow and it always goes pretty according to plan this story seems like 8 storylines ive seen on teen mom and like a redemption arc to stay relevant i don’t think that it is but that’s just how textbook this situation is and it’s weird shows like teen mom allowed for two things to happen in american culture one kids to see it at a young age and vow to not get pregnant as teenagers im pretty sure the number of teen pregnancy went down for a while while teen mom was on at least in the us but i feel like it also glorified it in other rights and as the mothers got older and started to get a low level of fame and money it’s very scary but i feel like family vloggers on youtube did the same thing and it seemed like the teen ones always have the same story but these kids are just thrown in the mix and added to produce more profit they are given so much trauma and the idea of being able to see your parents fight and all of their bad habits and addictions discussed to the world is so crazy they always say in their videos they are doing this to help someone if they are going through the same thing but they never stop to think who this is hurting… their kids hey i get it not everyone who does these things is inherently evil has bad intentions or whatever but it just seems like they don’t care about anyone but themselves i understand not wanting a normal job 9-5s are hard but there are actually so many qualities of vlogging and being an influencer that could be used in more constructive ways and you can make content off of literally anything i just feel like a solid healthy relationship with your kids is more important and showcasing them to world when they are little until they are old could really harm that thanks for listening.

so i decided to do a natural hair 90 day challenge because i don’t wear my natural hair out and i also feel like i feel ugly in my natural hair and don’t know how to do it and it allowed me to really see my insecurities and things i shielded with protective styles like this is so stupid but i realized i needed to start ironing my clothes i didn’t ok an iron and when i looked in the mirror i was so focused on my braids and they were so long i didn’t even realize how much of my clothes needed to be ironed also all my insecurities came to my head the weight i gained in my face ( i started taking the crack pills) im going to try to lose weight and keep it off but also i felt uncomfortable looking in the mirror and will probably get more into makeup again i think i just realized i want to be accepted the crown act is stated and we can’t be descriminated for our natural hair but i do notice. difference in how im treated because of the way i look and it’s like if you are choosing to present yourself in a way where you are seen more professionally is that feminist you know what i mean? it all reminded me of a grade school science experiment where you have a control group you don’t change anything and see what happens or the idea of a placebo like i feel like when i do things i know can have any benefit to me i try harder to do better if that makes sense anyways in living in a control period right now and as much as i feel like the examples were superficial that’s not really true i think the same ideas extend to my friendships, relationships, and just this 12 h protection year i can’t stop talking about i need to kind of just do whatever and work on myself and go wherever the wind goes there’s so much pressure to live this life that you want to share with other people but i feel like the most growth and the most maturity comes from just doing the shit you want to do and being genuine and letting things come out naturally i can admit when i was younger recently i always wanted to make my life seem interesting and even if it isn’t it is what it is and it is what i make of it ive realized life is too short and fucked up to not do things that you enjoy when you can i just wish i was more secure in my outer appearance and didn’t care so much about how others thought of me tbh. thanks for listening :)

I was seeing the bear praise last weekend and decided to tap in and was pleasantly surprised it was so good to be able to fully relate to a story that wasnt about love if that makes sense and love a romantic comedy but what most people who consume media go through is deciding a career and balancing being fully immersed into it and wanting to be successful and deciding if your mental health and sanity is worth your passion that coupled with family issues and trauma and the impact that one death can have on an entire family dynamic is so raw and real and I think we should be able to see more stories like this

And I think there is room in the industry for stories like this I think escapism and light hearted tv is important but I also think about the changes that need to be made in our capitalist society and how this can be something that opens people eyes to what is wrong with our world in a way even if it is an overdramatacized interpretation

I think of abbott elementary and all of the things the cast is doing to support inner city teachers and showing how difficult but amazing it is to work at underfunded schools and what these kids deserve and working class overworked people need help do and I may not know all the answers I think it could help

I remember hearing about how modern familys episode about mitchell and Cameron getting married changed peoples opinions on gay marriage if theres one thing we all do its watch tv what we consume and how makes a statement (fluently forward podcast)

Jeremy allen white was amazing and I love how his similar in shameless is so similar to his character in the bear and how refreshing it is to see a Chicago based show ayo’s character was so easy to understand and the passion that she had that she didn’t know what to do with and the inherent skill and seeing her step into her role as a leader was wonderful

I loved seeing the older generations response to Sydney someone from a younger generation find out what works in the kitchen the apprehensiveness the amount of doubt and then the proof being in the pudding and her solutions working and the older employees coming around to it so beautiful and raw!

Seeing Marcus display characteristics of hyper fixation and maybe being neurodivergent was also brilliant and just how much these people care about their jobs which to someone like me who would never think twice about peoples passions behind the kitchen it was an interesting story to see but im assuming most chefs are too tired to be this passionate too overworked to have this much drive and be able to cook outside of work because they are emotionally and physically drained and thats important to realize

I need a season two and I need to see and hear more stories of working people and how beautiful and chaotic and difficult and amazing their and honestly our lives can be too

Too much of a good thing isn’t a good thing at all and I feel like we live in a society where we constantly want more I know I have this problem like I love furniture and food and have this really obsessive personality like this year I got really obsessed with candles and incense because I was never allowed to light anything as a child and in order to make up for all of those candle less years I would on average have 20 candles burning in my apartment at what time it was so fucking insane but It was just a like coping mechanism ive dialed it down now but I do think on that time like I was an insane monster

I have been obsessed with the blind items trend on tiktok and felt like ytmommadrama was my little sliver of online sleuthing I used to look at the website religiously and after watching a vlog I knew I could go on to the website and find the gossip what was so crazy about ytmommadrama at its prime was that there were the level headed people who didn’t like overstep and go for the juggler and then there were the crazy people who like found addresses, and reported to cps and stuff it was crazy and I never posted anything on the site or made an account and I think reporting people who take proper care of their children is ridiculous

I had started writing this a a few months ago but was re inspired to pick it up following the Dad Challenge Podcasts video on Cam & Fam after stopping watching family bloggers she was one I continued to watch because of her situation and because of her calmness and relatability like I remember when she moved into her house and painted her kitchen table with her kids I was in like a really weird place when I watched that video and after I painted my table like doodled on it and I think its something I am going to continue to do when I move I just thought back to like myself as a kid doing homework on the kitchen table and it bleeding through because of how deep I would use the table and getting reprimanded and the thought of how you could really make something so integral to your life like a kitchen table customizable and more of an anecdote anyways it reminds me of the basics of gentle parenting and how important that is to instill in children

But in her video about family blogging and the dad challenge podcasts reaction they talk about ytmommadrama and how toxic it was and I think about what people were saying in response to her situation with her husband taking his life and how awful the things were and how if she was reading that it really could take a toll on her this website has brought attention to so many crazy things I think of Fathering Autism and the fact that he had a child that he knew nothing about and how like this site has played a pivotal role in exposing so many families

I can literally give examples of each of these situations they searched and found britneyandbaby’s marriage license with frank and the timeline of their relationship and why it was moving so fast speaking of britneyandbaby there was a scandal of hers a few years ago where people believed that she wasnt donating the money that was raised for the disease her son has and instead pocketing it people would go back and forth about it forever it seemed

They have called CPS on multiple folks like KKandbabyJ who’s forum was once a hell spin like daily things and information were coming out

Their page used to go so quickly like constantly updating and some crazy things that they did/realized they reported them to HOA for not having a proper pool enclosure it is a law in florida so when they called it in it actually forced the neighbors to have to fix theirs as well and keren and khoa paid for it

Blackface scandal and n word scandal I think they went back to their instagrams and found the image of whoa and keren using the n word

Something that I thought was crazy was when they found out about Their hidden car they had both gotten luxury cars not at the same time I believe but they were hiding them from their audience for some reason which I dont necessarily understand its almost like when everything you do is profitable and you share so much it seemed like such a small thing to not expose but they were pretty weird about it and then like made the photoshoots with their cars their promotion photos for their podcast like trying to make a joke out of it im pretty sure they talk about it in their intial episode I swear I retain such pointless information

So I have been off tiktok for proabbly about a month now but I have heard the news about Maia Knight blurring her children’s faces in her tiktoks and I was relieved for her. Her kids are getting older and the relationship she has built with tiktok fans is very scary seeing people on twitter share tiktoks of her followers damn near crying about not being able to see maias children is scary/ The par asocial relationship has gone way too far there’s one video where a woman refers to maias kids as “my babies” which is just absurd like literally insane and I can only hope that a bad encounter didn’t cause Maia to take her kids off the internet but her realizing what putting them in the spotlight could potentially do and how it could harm her children I think of the kardashians and how Khloe and Kylie have new baby boys and they shield them from the internet and I just read all the theories and they just rub me the wrong way they continue to exploit their daughters and show their daughters but hide their sons I remember hearing I think the dad challenge podcast talk about how vloggers make more money off of having daughters because of capitalism obviously and how it creates more ads and stuff and ways to make more money its so gross but its like why cant the kardashians give all their children privacy Why do people feel like its okay to profit off of their children and show them to a world of people who they dont know opening them up to criticism and just bad energy in general I know Trisha paytas recently had a daughter and she said something along the lines of she isn’t making money off of her daughter and that was just false? She posts videos of her daughter takes pictures of her daughter uses her as the thumbnail technically just having anyone or anything in your monetized content is using them to make money and then it gets muddy like I agree with her stance on people asking for pictures of her kid thats freaking weird but what would they expect when they watch you use her as a prop all day The laws pertaining to children on the internet need to be put into action now its gross and I dont know what prompted Maia to take her kids faces off the internet but Im happy she did it maybe she should try to find a way to be a content creator without constantly disrespecting her kids privacy. And I have seen the news about okbaby kyra… and let me just say she has protected Preston more than she has ever protected her children Kyra and Oscar saw how invested people got in their relationship and their breakup and how awfully it impacted them both mentally subjecting their four kids to being able to watch their breakup should’ve been a wake up call to create content outside of their kids lives. Thanks for listening!

it may have been my body adjusting to the birth control but I finally found my will to create and write and think in depth about topics its kind of boring but I think something that majorly impacted my life this year is losing a friend i realized that asking her to stop being friends was so necessary to me because she drained me of all my energy and all of what makes me me I was devoting so much time to her and the things she needed that I was unconsciously ignoring myself and I am so shocked that its taken me almost two months to find myself again I think this accurately describes why right now I physically cant have a lot of friends because im not great at establishing boundaries I just let people to walk all over me at times and I know that it stems from my relationship with my parents and feeling like I had to be successful to receive praise and feel worthy I don’t blame them but it is so toxic to see how it impacts me as an adult Parenting is so hard and I feel like if I did have children I would just be scared or just give up and cause them so much trauma I wonder if I will mature It seems like right now everyone who is older than me is so brainwashed by capitalism and so boring and that they all hate their lives Is 25 when everything changes and I decide to settle down? Its all so scary to me I didn’t even stop and think I’ve been so meal this week so rude, stand-offish but in reality my whole word is falling apart A coworker asked me do I want to continue doing that im currently doing once I leave the position but I never realized I was unsatisfied from so many angles I disliked my job, location, culture and comfort for a while it made me wonder if the profession was even the right fit for me at all but I. Realize I went to school for this my parents spent my whole life saving for me to go to school in cant just throw it all away from one bad seed one bad experience I remember hearing in school you have to decided what time of firm you want ; what do they specialize in what size are they… how does one just know that? I think the only way you can learn that is to try it all out I thin I want to find a residential firm to intern at part time while in Chesapeake because I think that may be what I want to do. I really want to start an organizing business as well maybe 2022 really is a year focussed to my career and as I sit here in my current job on my penultimate last day the light I lost prior is starting to flicker and I am becoming excited again I didn’t even truly ask myself what I wanted to do? Why does silence anger so many people? Its so crazy to me because I think listening is so important. I think that is why I get so angry when I am ignored because If I choose to say something to someone it is probably important Im always weary of those who don’t know how to be quiet and people who easily allow themselves to speak over you… Black community and mental illness I think I am a victim of the stigma I think our community has failed itself We are put in this box and there is this fear one has of being labeled outside of it But little does one know by ignoring that fear one could truly succeed and finally understand themselves. I worry for my people. I worry for the kids who weren’t diagnosed that became confused and unsuccessful ( in society words) adults

i know i talk about myself a lot on this podcast because it’s literally just about me and my interests and the things i learn by just living but episodes like this one i hope that by sharing things that happen to me or things that i think about i can help those listening become more enlightened to their own thoughts and be that voice who understands what someone else is going through or thinking in their heads it’s like thinking as a group instead of an individual i consume a lot of media so at least i always have some references hah but i think of the teacher who does wordle everyday with her students and how those kids help each other and give creative ideas and they like always get it

I don’t want to write these entries solely for myself when I can put them out there and let them find those who need them to if there’s anything i’ve learned from this is how much I hate being alone in my thoughts and even the process of saying them outloud while recording the podcast its really helped me

but anyways i have always looked at covid from a positive outlook and the time during lockdown as something that helped me learn a lot about myself without dismissing the fact that over a million people died from it like trying to see the good things it may have inspired in the world which isn’t many but I woke up this morning and just felt like driving I went to McDonalds got a coffee love that shit but I was like the music im listening to doesn’t feel right like I need something I barely remember and I fall in love with again so I closed my eyes and scrolled

I am a spotify addict ive talked about it before but I used to be a gatekeepy music obsessed btich I would make monthly playlists and I recently started doing it again so I know what I was listening to every month from like 2015 to 2020 I found my best of 2019 playlist and it dawned on me who I was during that time and the concerts I went to and the differences in music now versus then it was so much better

I was so confident in 2019 and just fun I was always trying to go to a concert and just be outside and I realized I lost that from covid, I lost the friendships of people who I found through music and that concert feeling and I really missed it this music this playlist brought back so many feelings so many ideas so many days that I forgot about so many vacations and it was when I was really deep in posting on YouTube and then I stopped and realized

I am moving in a few months and this is all possible again I feel like reminiscing on your pre-covid life is very different than living in the past due to the fact that it was because of a pandemic like something more out of your control like the feeling of regret really isn’t there but the feeling of what if is

Anyways realizing that I am moving to a city or an area where I used to go to concerts and where I can take vacations similar to those I was thinking about in the car today was so eye opening I was thinking of all the vlogs and videos I could film and just to get reinspired and I was just super excited

Anyway it is also important to think about what covid gave you as well I think about how much ive worked from home this year and how I have found hobbies and things I probably would have never picked up if not due to the pandemic I also feel like I understand my loneliness more and just how I feel about things and again it brings me back to friends and the friendships ive lost and how much I have changed and maybe some of the people I have grew apart from have to anyways I know its hard for things to look like they are looking up due to the current political climate, physical climate and all but I think I finally found a reason to hold on.

Thank you for listening. And maybe take a trip down memory lane with your music I bet you would be surprised with how many words and beats you remember.

i have been very eye opened this week and it just makes me sad at the end of the day I do not want to come off as racist or mysogynist but I will making a lot of generalizations in this podcast not all women are racist not all women have privilege but these situations that I have seen have had the people involved have had some similarities

I have heard so many women in my life rub me the wrong way I always hear black women talking about how we need to be more apprehensive when letting some women into our lives and I think so many things in pop culture make this feel like it never ends

RHOBH has been all over my twitter and tiktok and its so fucked up how these women are getting away with being so awful to Garcelle and Sutton but the way women have been talking about people and the decisions they make with ease without realizing how it truly impacts others and not realizing the privilege in being able to say or do that

I have a friend who I grew up with and sometimes I feel like we are a safety net for each other but she constantly has awful interactions with homeless people and it always rubs me the wrong way like its so fucked up I saw a video on tiktok of a southern state packing the homeless in these huts that the women recording the video said were pretty much like slaughterhouses for the people to die from heat exhaustion and its just so sad

Homelessness is a product of a fucked up capitalist society like why do you need to vilify them they are just trying to stay alive and these days living is so fucking hard

I dont know if im just a communist bitch but when I see articles like the one I saw last night of the women who froze her dead mother to keep receiving her social security checks I didn’t think of this women as a villain I thought about how hard it probably was for her to do that and thought about how bad she was probably struggling financially to where her mothers check would keep her alive

Our society is flawed and its hard not everyone is born with a financial advantage like most affluent white women

I was at work a few weeks ago and a coworker told a story about how growing up her dad had connections to cops through working in a career field that closely works with cops and she said when people would rub her dad the wrong way he would take the persons plates and give them over to the cops to give them tickets but call me crazy.. imagine if the person that rubbed them the wrong way that day was a person of color and next thing you know the cop with his fucking huge ego and god complex fucking shoots the person like thats a privilege that some people have that It seems like they dont even see because it is way less likely for them to get killed by police

And this brings me back to the commentary following the roe v wade overturn I remember when I heard the news and I was moving from my shady apartment to a new shady apartment and I couldn’t even process it fully and after moving and going online and seeing all the upset women and I woke up to how this will mostly impact women of color and poor women in comparison to affluent women who have the $ to safely get abortions

I want women to wake up but I just don’t think they care about those below them and the proof is in the pudding, the statistics about voting are shocking and I know they face abuse from others and sexism and misogyny but when things like the ones that happened prior in this it makes this country feel so divisive and its all about access its not just a certain race of women who have privilege its not a certain physical appearance or fucking personality trait its all about access and socioeconomic status really changes how you live in this world and more specifically America.

Thanks for listenting and I am thinking of all the women out there who have lost their rights to choose because we all deserve it.

WTF is going on

as i took all the clothes out of my closet and placed all my bags on my bed because i noticed the hvac leaking in my apartment onto my clothes and bags i began to mentally wake up. i think im finding my consciousness as an adult like everything is beginning to make sense anyways looking at all of these things i have accumulated most of my bags being gifts i realized how much weight they held and just felt a camera zooming out on me standing in that closet and just looking like a complete idiot

i don’t really understand the medias role in fear mongering and scaring us to make us feel like the world is hopeless or if they are still shielding us from awful things happening on but if they are trying to scare us it worked the news is horrendous right now especially in regards to the climate crisis

it’s scary and reading these articles about what’s going on in europe and seeing people saying we are reliving the heat rises in the 1920s or 1820s or whatever and so many thoughts came to my head okay that could be the case but what if it isn’t and what does the end look like?

like i do feel like i would live my life differently if i knew the end was closer and what do governments and rule makers want the end to look like if we live through it? you see all these closures for heat in europe right now and it’s like will the world end with us needing to be locked up or will we be physically working and fighting until the end.

i don’t know so much about the climate and what is real and what is not and i just felt so ignorant i saw a video of a wedding or some gathering in hawaii and a wave coming though the resort and waves going over houses in hawaii as well and it didn’t look normal at all and knowing that temperatures in europe didn’t get as high as they do in the US but not knowing how drastic that is for them and these records are being broken everyday and the wildfires and suddenly every material purchase i ever made felt so small

i don’t so much these days but when i do i find myself getting so worried about how i look for the perfect event and at the end of the day when recounting that memory of whatever that event is the last thing i think about it what i was wearing or how i looked not that those don’t things don’t make me feel much more confident but it just made me realize how much time and worry i put into my outer appearance

i have felt very lost lately i don’t know what to do with my hair i don’t know if i should go on a diet i question getting plastic surgery and just fucking killing myself most days but it’s just so crazy how a lot of people don’t have to ever think about it at all i think about the new natural hair movement on tiktok and just embracing who you are beautiful it gets hard trying so hard to be someone who you aren’t like why am i getting braids every month what is the end goal? and i really want dreads but their are so many conversations and stupid discourse stopping people from just fucking doing what they want to do

i want to lose weight and make better habits to set up my thirties and i want to live without overthinking i have a friend who recently shot her shot at a guy she liked for a long time and it made me realize how many people i wish i would’ve been honest with when i had the chance to

our world is in a weird fucking place and it’s so hard to become grounded and be positive and happy and just be me when i feel like every which way im told that im not good enough and being handed the rule book that i need to follow to not be berated in public or online like following this set of rules won’t make you feel better necessarily it won’t make others value you like most but you won’t be humiliated as much like what…

and i know that my episodes on here are usually inconclusive and hard to follow but i really love doing them and i hope people relate and like listening to them as well!!!

i loved it kind of!!!! i think so!!!! i don’t know!!!!

I have always had really bad anxiety and its gotten a lot better as ive gotten older I was talking to a friend who is having these spurts of anxiety and hearing her struggles and listening to people vent online it seems like a lot of us are in the same positions

No hope for the future, little motivation and just constant anxiety and all together those may not make sense but I think about it like this

You just ended a chapter in your life you are still very much present in a pandemic and you dont know what to do next so what do you do? You sit and think and contemplate because you have all the time in the world to decipher your thoughts and that anxiety starts impacting every decision you make to the point of not wanting to make anymore decisions at all

Something that ive tried to start telling myself when im experiencing anxiety is to stop and breath and think and try to pivot those feelings into something that motivates, inspires, or uplifts yourself

Work is a big stressor for me because a lot of times I cant help but feel like I suck at my job and I dont think thats true but even if it is I tell myself that its okay and im still employed and can still learn and grow

We are having a new hire all team meeting at the end of this month where my picture will be on the screen and all this information will be shared about me and at my old job I would freak out not go just like overreact but I realize no one cares at the end of the day even if that image is burned in someones memory forever I will never know and it will never effect me

I think about how many times ive been nervous about boys and how they think about me and that anxiety seeps through my teeth like everyone could see it

The advice I gave my friend is really important when it comes to relationships when you are getting anxious about your relationship maybe because you feel like you are too invested you dont want to face a heartbreak with this person you have come to love so dearly try to stop and pivot that anxiety because anxiety is literally just strong feelings turn that anxiousness towards love and how grateful you are for this relationship or how much you love your partner and how you’ve seen what a great person they are and how you trust them and no they would never do anything to hurt you and I dont think this makes you oblivious to their wrongs but I do think it manifest positivity in your relationship and your feelings towards that person

Pivot your anxiety by honing in on your positive feelings instead of your negative

I literally have like dresser here is what happened so when I moved into my college apartment i worked so hard that summer to save up money to make my apartment look as cute as possible why because i am a taurus sun and libra moon but also an interior designer and was an interior design college student at the time. But anyways, I wanted either a baby pink dresser or a baby blue one and i found this vintage dresser that came in both colors and was so excited to purchase it. I bought it and when i tell you i couldnt even but my fucking socks in it like it was just a mess but i had this huge closet at my old apartment so i just got a bunch of plastic drawers for it and that lasted for a while but then i decided to redo my apartment after i graduated just for some new energy and i got a new dresser from target and when i tell you i was a mess i was a mess mentally at the time and physically i tried to build it and gave up my dad came down and tried to build it he fucked it up and barely tried thats not really his forte but i moved the dresser to my new apartment 5 hours away and over time the dresser just stopped working two shelves were unusable the top drawer had gapping at the bottom and my apartment was so small that i had to shimmy through maybe a foot of space thats generous to get around it it was hellish 

i took a break from my family last year and this is so selfish i have just decided to be honest on here i feel like that jt video like i dont have kids i dont have to go as hard like thats why i am selfish its not good but its true i spend a lot of time alone and i think i have abandonment wounds but my nightmare when estranged from family was how am i gonna move out by myself like even if i hire someone and i realized i probably wouldn’t be able to afford it and just how hard it was going to be 

for all those reasons i wouldn’t move that dresser or pick a new one until i was scrolling on amazon recently which is my new obsession so bad i know but i was like fuck it im getting cube organizers and bins i need something thin something where i can see everything easily whatever i got it and when i tell you this box was ridiculously big my apartment has a mail room it won’t take your shit to your room and like i said im always alone anyways i took the organizer out of this HUGE ass box in the mail room the box was dented like all fucked up i was like here we go a fucking again with this dresser saga anyways i lifted this heavy ass 9 cube organizer literally it rested on my boobs and hurt so bad and braved the walk and steps and elevator ride to my apartment the box sat on my floor for like 2 weeks after sitting in the mail room for like one week 

procrastinating scared i was scared of having two pieces of furniture not being able to build it all of that but i was listening to my astrologers last night and cam white said just get the hell up and do it not in those words but something similar so i get the fuck up put insecure on the tv and build the organizer and when i tell y’all my room hasn’t looked better i hung up this picture over it that had been resting on the broken dresser and cleaned my room put all my clothes away and everything looked so good i was so relieved but i walked into the living room and saw the big broken dresser just fucked up shelf less and everything i notices the piece of particleboard i believe on the back hd like dried water residue but was also like gapping from it and i was like maybe i will be able to move it if that shit is gone so i just started puling it and i dont know it felt so fucking freeing and then i had got it off and the dresser was flexible and i broke it into parts and was able to throw the shit away this morning 

anyways thanks for listening and i think i want another cube organizer but im a little scared i won’t be able to do everything to the same standard again but i cant live in clothes chaos again again thanks for listening. 

Welcome back to the podcast! Of course I have been watching big brother this season and I think this is the longest in a season I have gone during this podcast without talking about this great game and the reason is because I have had nothing to complain about until Jankie world and this endgame 

I have to tip my hat off to production this season has been amazing 

The cast is awesome i have to say it now before i forget tucker reminded me of meredith marks all season they sound the exact same to me 

But I loved the AI arena twist I like the design of the house the competitions have been so equitable but i feel like the feel and vibe of the modern era came back during jankie world 

I have PTSD from Dyre Fest so once that happened i stopped watching feeds and caring as much about the game i also liked tkor and the battle of the trios so i was sad to see her go 

I really think Jankies world and that weird hoh comp should’ve been the actual pressure cooker comp like not with a twist that relates to the season literally going back to season 6 

it was a delight to see how angela graced the crowd and julie last night its been awesome to see a season where the veto is used so much where there weren’t any unanimous votes until last night julies first time not being there on a live eviction but during all of these moments i wish the show digged deeper instead of staying so rehearsed and the same to its detriment 

when i think of an eviction its literally the death of. someones game and someone as polarizing as angela it wouldve been nice to go back to basics and see how her family feels about her divisive game clips of her family reacting to her best moments and clips this season

i was thinking about this when i realized dave ramseys show is technically jerry springer like as much as i hate change i wish the producers took some elements from other shows and incorporated them into bb to make it better i miss hearing from old houseguests i miss them hosting competitions 

like this was julies first time missing a show in over 20 years one she could’ve zoomed in two it would have been nice to hear production scrambling when they found out what they did how she felt how that went down like maybe i think of breaking the fourth wall too much but i feel like it would be so entertaining 

especially considering the state of house when it gets boring build it up make it funner i think it would also be cool to compare the season to others like when you flash and see the final five theres a montage to final fives in the past five seasons and cbs invites them to the double eviction like hearing tiffany and hannah chaddah saying they have ptsd like sometimes i hate that its a live show and it doesn't feel live really anymore 

like i saw that julie said the houseguests came up with a song for her last night and production said cut it out like i would loved to see that everyone else would too i know precautions are in place to make a great show but sometimes i just want to see people be messy like a SNL. im so over things having to be so polished and perfect i feel like in a world of everyone trying to be perfect i have fallen in love with the imperfect 

i automatically thought of a mtv trl clip maybe this is ahead of my time but when i was little mtv had the countdowns of the top songs same with the country channel and i think this season has been a season of songs commercials etc they could literally do a whole hour mtv style and i would tune in and probably download their songs onto my phone like they are so good 

anyways thats just some things i've been thinking about lately hopefully i can come on here when the season ends and give the rest of my thoughts 

im so happy to see how the show is progressing like this season is a step in the right direction jankie tried to ruin it but at the end of the day this is my favorite season since the cookout bb23 for sure!!! 

thanks for listening :) 

There is a push for settling down. It's something instilled in you as a child and it drives me up a wall. As a woman that likes to be alone (when its not forced) has awful social anxiety (it’s crippling) i still find myself yearning for a partner specifically male even though i am definitely pansexual its so problematic but true ive heard about lesbians unlearning the obsession of the male gaze and their internalized homophobia and i feel like i suffer from that to an extent. Why do I feel like I need a partner? I have a job. I pay bills. I have more than one streaming service. I have some hobbies. What else do I need? I know I don't need a partner but I want one. But why? I feel like my ideal partner is a friend. Someone who enjoys big brother and is obsessed with music but i feel like my brain mistakes those two… As women we often treat our platonic friendships as a partnership without the sexual attraction and attention. Why can’t we be content with just having friends? Or maybe the real question is why can’t i?

i ended last week saying i would come back on here and be full of light and positivity girl that is not happening i get on here to share all my emotions good or bad you’re getting it all welcome to my darkness corner honestly!!!  podcast 3 year anniversary congratulations y’all i still haven’t taken a dance class but dancing in my kitchen is the most therapeutic thing i’ve ever done  i remember my smoothie recipe coconut water and bananas are key platonic on apple tv captures all my issues limerence issues and i’m so over that chapter in my life god please let me grow tf up  still up on apple tv similar premise i just don’t think chasing someone is fun and knowing that i only relate to these relationships because it’s one sided is so fucking dark sided it’s good how does her phone never die  laughing about steve lacy hating his life on tour and how i love when an album or artist defines a certain time period like he was running 2021 2022 keith lees atlanta food adventures so sad and embarrassing halloween costume ideas couple ideas that are a lock if i’m in a relationship obviously jessica day and nick miller new girl, blair and chuck or gossip girl blair and dan to be the superior ship duh. sydney and carmy the bear little mermaid and prince eric duh like so cute omg niche taylor and joseph big brother taylor’s finale outfit oh my god olitz olivia and fitz scandal i would die!!! danny and mindy the mindy project im pretty just giving y’all my favorite ships laura jean and peter kavinsky!!!!!!! mía thermopolis um YEAH about my favorite ships i realized i like toxic awful ships like my issues are very clear when i start talking about my favorite ships like i didn’t realize shipping mindy with fanny was so problematic until i was older  kai cenats prison live stream wtf people love forced proximity i think that’s because we lack structure in our lives and shit it’s just a mess i have so many thoughts on this mr beast type videos matt jag and bowie jane  -cbs the pearl video omg fundie fridays just pearly things the inevitable apoloclypse im scared  self sabatoging envy cycle of depression halloween w/o moi  loving uk tv i want to move to london BAD how do you know it’s time to get a new job? my anti vaxxer opinion like i just don’t get it  i want to just throw shit and break shit before i wanted to like jump off walls  gen v finale  survivor 45 is awesome 

As I have said previously I used to watch a lot of family bloggers but I didn’t really touch on my issues with family vlogging so lets talk about It here

My main issue is that the parents job and following and income is based solely off of their kids and their kids aren’t given compensation and they dont have any college funds set up for them their are no child labor laws enacted to protect these children

I also feel like the consent that most parents dont even have from these kids doesn’t even really mean anything and this is only when it comes to them agreeing to participate in social media related things these parents could easily manipulate these children into doing things like I recently saw a tiktok by a creator who is kind of leading the revolution on tiktok which I have issues with how she’s going about it but thats not the point she talked about how jessfam pays her kids to participate in videos and it made me think about how many times she would bribe her children to include things in videos since she has shown in the past how motivated they are by money

These kids have no privacy I think of ok baby a channel I discussed previously and how they expose way too much information to the public about their kids lives I think about when they did a room switch for their eldest daughter and had her living in the basement by herself they literally told their million followers this I just thought it was a bad look

These kids dont get to grow up and just be kids I think about how I felt as a teenager or preteen when my parents would bring up embarrassing and funny anecdotes of my childhood and how maybe they’ll take a picture of an embarrassing picture and send it to me to be funny these kids have videos of them that will be online forever that their friends or bullies can use against them for the rest of their lives I think of the parents who document their children potty training or personal details about how the children were conceived like being via adoption or ivf the whole world has access to this child’s upbringing and a newborn cant consent to anything

Something I see a lot of the anti family vloggers talk about is the instagram accounts and the amount of people who have access to basic information about these subjected children their names, ages, birthdays, literal memories that these kids have strangers can restate to them I just thought about how fucked uo that is

The break up videos as well in terms of ok baby and comments oh my god comments I think of all the people who were referring to kyra as awful names in their breakup video and honestly I feel a little hypocritical on this one with some of the things I said about Oscar but I didn’t directly call him any name their children in the span of a few years will be able to see all of those awful comments and speculation about their parents breakup the amount of trauma inflicted onto these children is MASSIVE and all for the parents to have an easy avenue to money its embarrassing and I applaud the parents who realized this information and took their families off of the internet.

These parents need to be held responsible for the trauma they will inflict on these children.

cardi b and offset joint album with megan thee stallion that would be awesome for summer quiz lady on hulu neuro divergent representation simone biles and her husband george santos zíwe survivor finale reindeer games finale the holidays are hard everyone leaves but i feel like that’s when people need help the most eliza mclamb only fans around the holidays leave the world behind julia roberts SAD seasonal depression oprah-zemic ozempic my scandal of the fucking year the podcast i forgot is maintenance phase it’s so good go listen ruby franke is awful steamies drama jeff wittek tana weird survivor sia award katurah and jake queens go fund me crowd funding company crwodfunding car venoms for major life moments death and rebirth even involve money when they should involve physical and mental support sadly in our generation its linked to finances people should be happy for their life accomplishments and instead they ar thinking about how they need money so many people are struggling and are so scared to ask for help i feel like its hard to imagine aging any more like im living my life so wrong luke combs taylor swift etsy debate can you just tell use lawyers no asa creative like i feel like its inspiring for someone to create art based off you art would it be insane to get famous without a lawyer and let people just be fucking inspired like no i wouldn’t sue someone from using my likeness on a tumbler i guess its like i always want to write something and i also am always trying to manifest something what if i just write what i want to manifest my writing block era things that make me laugh chronically online thins is ts madison episode with nicole byers why won’t you date me dcp episode reacting to bramty reacting to him https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=dad+challenege+podcast+bramty

Homophobia is so present in society but yet homophobes believe the gay agenda is real I think about the amount of celebrities who choose to not disclose their sexuality until they are married or further into the future and I understand wanting privacy but I also feel like society’s internalized homophobia plays a part I really enjoyed watching rocket man the Elton John biopic and for some reason I feel like a lot of celebrities feel like they need to shield their sexuality to allow their career to become as big as possible it really makes me uncomfortable As a closeted woman I feel like I understand it the most my parents would not be happy to learn that I am not a straight woman even though I know they have speculations that I am not I have family friends, family who constantly exhibit homophobic behaviors but yet I wonder why these celebrities are in the closet? I understand fully who wants to be scrutinized for whom they love? I think seeing Elton John fall apart because of a multitude of things unresolved childhood trauma, sexuality, and his level of stardom was so hard it makes me wonder how all of these celebrities who hide their sexuality feel and how that impacts ones brain I get so happy when I see people announce their love life to the world after being so private, Candace Parker, Kal Penn, Jojo Siwa, etc. Its such a breath of fresh air and it makes me feel more excited to eventually live my truth as well No one talks about the ins and outs of being closeted I have so many embarrassing stories of myself I have needed my wisdom teeth out for like almost 5 years now but I was too afraid to go under laughing gas and potentially out myself to my parents Ive felt like my whole life I truly couldn’t live my life as an unlabeled adult until I was fully released of my familys financial control and blah blah blah that sounds so stupid and priveleged but it is also scary I needed their help for a long time and they still pay for a lot of my resources but I wonder if they knew the truth if they would continue to do so… My situation is nothing in comparison to others coming out stories, one because I havent come out and two because it can be a lot more difficult and dramatic including conversion therapy, homlessness and more Homophobic people love to believe in the gay agenda and how its making so many people gay or whatever but what about these adults are they so impressionable they fell for your made up agenda that causes people to die without truly expressing love for who they love? I do believe sometimes homophobia stems for a lack of self acceptance but I think saying that diminishes their impact on others in the community and it allows people to get away with homophobia with the idea that they will come out and retract their homophobia and the people they harmed And again as a former villain I feel like I did this to a lot of people and ruined their coming out stories or played a negative part in it and it makes me feel like I deserve the coming out or lack of coming out story I have now I hope that one day we will truly live in a world where people don’t have to feel about being excommunicated from their families because of their sexuality and that we will all be comfortable loving who we love rereading this is so sad because it sounds like it could have been written decades ago

I saw some people saying the bear isn’t a comedy i disagree

Im happy design is incorporated its bridging my world into it like so many people have to go through construction issues whether it be working in the industry like me or having to build a house or an office you know that stress where everything is going wrong or the feeling of wanting to work on something but it’s the universe is making it impossible for anything to be done i love watching tv that feels real emotions that feel real passion that feels real and failure i love how failure is portrayed on the bear i keep thinking about news and how awful the news is and then i think about tv and the age of social media where there is also a lot of positive shit that some people will never accomplish sometimes it just feels comforting to know that everyone doesn’t know the answers everything doesn’t work perfectly and you can still laugh and love when life isn’t rainbows and sunshine there is beauty in the struggle 

episode 6 is INSANE 

the cameos sarah paulson, john mulaney, jamie lee curtis, gillian jacobs olivia coleman the energy it’s amazing it’s perfect it’s Classic it nails a holiday and the stress the sly comments i relate to carmy and sugar so much the oldest daughter syndrome is nailed down by sugars relationship to her mom i feel that so hard i loved how similarly to abbott elementary the first season focused so much on the career and the second season we were brought into their home life’s more but also there family history and past and it was just so real and it makes their stories in season one make so much more sense and gives context i love that feeling of understanding a character 

i hate claire just BAD vibes im sorry i kinda ship sydney and carmy not sorry about it and i also shipped sydney and marcus but i think the sexual tension aspect is just so fucking real and just how messy workplace romance can be anyways i saw a tweet talking about how they created this weird edit between sydney carmy and claire and it’s obviously setting up a love triangle and i saw a tweet also saying like all claire does is say she’s good for carmy but she doesn’t do anything to prove it and i think i agree with that her vibe is just so off putting maybe because we don’t know her or her passion for her job and we don’t see it but whenever they interact i just don’t see it i think because when he connects with sydney it’s on so many levels instead of just like purely sexual and history like he has with claire i think the under the table fixing the table conversation in episode 9 nails it they are a team they are in sync they lift each other up and support each other like you can just tell there is love there platonic or romantic to be determined but it’s so so beautiful i smiled so much during this episode but mostly that conversation i understand richie feeling like a failure and wondering when everyone is going to tell you are and cut you off and leave you alone i loved the rawness i love when they do one take episodes and less cuts like it just feels so real the actors and actresses are next level everyone is carrying their weight im not watching a netflix original everyone fully embodies their character and i believe them it’s so refreshing 

i was so enthralled by sydney’s eyes this season like the cinematography was insane 

i know this sounds so stupid but i loved how carmy was trapped in the fridge and it suddenly focused on everyone outside of the fridge i think of all of the trapped episodes in so many shows and movies and how it focuses on the person who is stuck and the fact that honestly in that time that’s what carmy needed and how it really shows how much he’s taught everyone else and how everyone else has grown and how sydney and richie pulled it together and how the team worked under pressure i fucking love this show so freaking much

also the kid doing meth like WTF i was like oh maybe setting up another drug addict storyline

i’m obsessed with fak and teddy 

okay i was thinking this morning about the album reaction to sos by sza and i was like wait who’s lying because everyone online was saying havent we grown up why are you calling yourself a loser etc and i was like um let’s be real one the men out there are pretty shitty! and everyone’s grown from their past and assuming sza is still in this mindset is no critical thinking considering how long she’s been working on this album and her clarification tweet and music is stories like it doesn’t have to 100% pertain but listening to some of her songs like the loser one i relate ive messed with some ducking losers and it made me feel like one and feel good music can only soothe us at so many times if that’s what you listen to do that! szas singles and first album also weren’t all sunshines and rainbows so this discourse is stupid! szas new album is really good enjoy it! go listen to it i took a little break but im back! thanks for listening tiktok mariah the scientist challenge spread thin trend

i'm back talking about soooo much shit listen to hear me talk about the following:

• fall 
• tv shows 
• food sensitivity 
• big brother 
• twitter negativity nightmare 
• jorja smith 
• drake, rihanna, asap rocky misogyny 
• incel vibes 
• criticism 
• weaponizing rejections 
• refusal to age 
• voyeurism 
• sex talk in music latto
• conservative country music 
• nicole byers podcast with shanboody steve harvey 
• traditional values and the newer generations 
• cooking and grocery debates 
• pocket watching 
• aldi supremacy 
• as we see it 
• fathering autism
• generation v the boys spin off 
• elemental on disney+
• theater camp bottoms double feature 
• wealth disparity 
• snapchat 
• social media and your roman empire 
• iJaade 
• AI pluto in Aquarius virtual reality 
• designing your avatar 
• kevin mccarthy 
• gummy vitamins
• work culture
• sick day women's health

being alone versus someone bringing havoc interiors a landscape so beautiful chosen family independence creating your dream life manifestation hobbies into career love and secrets fighting for your life and accepting hard decisions you’ve made i saw where the crawdads sing and i don’t have much to say about it but i want to start writing my thoughts out after going to see movies because i recrntky got that regal pass and i just really enjoy thinking deeply let’s be real surface level about the media i consume so let’s crack into it something i realized on my drive home was how content she was before anyone entered her life like she went through all these hardships and survived on her own after losing her entire family and she had family friends and people helping her out but the amount of emotions and just negativity that entered her life by men was just so real tbh like i feel like i related definitely in no way is my life even close to that difficult but being independent and knowing that whenever i allow myself to open up and let someone go in crazy things happen i get so obsessed emotionally and do rash things and just want that person in my life and i feel like either i let them down or they let me down everytime and i look back at the end wondering if it was worth it the setting of the marsh and her home was so inoortant to me it was beautiful and the transformation of the home as she got older and how comfortable she felt in it and out there when people in the inner city categorized her as an animal i don’t know it just makes me think of how people treat people of a lower class then them like that’s all those people know and also they aren’t much different than you are what’s with all the negativity of a lived experience you will never understand or have why pass judgement without being open to conversation and learning? so crazy and to me what was wild was how we kind of view nostalgia as expensive if that makes sense i don’t know if it does but as a designer just seeing homes these days i’m instantly drawn to older builds they seem to hold so much more integrity and have so much more character and the way her house looked at the end and even before she got it remodeled with her publishing money it was just perfect to me i don’t know if it was the landscape or what it just screamed cozy and back to the not understanding other peoples lived experiences without reading the book i could feel the comfort she felt in those woods and marsh that she grew up in and in that home it’s just so fucking powerful and knowing she lived and died there crazy i really enjoyed the movie honestly the fact that she fought back i feel like she learned that from her mother and father and she didn’t deserve to face life in prison for killing someone who raped her and lied to her and the idea of holding a life long secret so crazy and i feel like it links back to her survival childhood where she felt like she could never fully trust anyone

I always prioritized convenience but I have all the time in the world? I feel like I rushed life for so long and I think I always felt like I had to I didn’t just ask myself what I wanted I really do want a soft life I dont need to be chasing some statement to gloat and I think for some people thats not that the case when they are going after things but for me thats all I see it as and I think thats why I realize I dont want it Really looking around at my life and recognizing and determining my goals has helped me clearly see what’s important to me and I think right now I am unlearning who and what others put on me and separating that from what I want I used to chase convenience for EVERYTHING everything had to be done faster but I look around now and it seems like all I have is time and I feel like being in that moment is so fun I feel like im in a movie instead of on a marathon run to complete things for no reason Capitalist societys values productivity but neglect the things we need to be mentally sane I thrive off of eating home cooked meals and exercising and spending time outside but sometimes it seems like life moves so fast or is at least supposed to to where I cant do those things I almost got a part time job a few months ago and I really dont need one and I feel like I wanted to hone in on the idea of working my ass off when I was young so I could retire early and relax or whatever but thinking about it now that sounds so stupid Its like I was doing it to make more money but be lazier I would inevitably be forcing myself to choose convenience in some way because I wouldn’t be able to utilize my personal time the same because I would have less of it Like back to my episode on the things I have changed that have made me feel better physically ive found joy and happiness in owning my free time and doing what I want to do when I can and by valuing those things that we need to be mentally sane, I have physically felt better and mentally I go up and down a lot and I hope those listening can literally stick with me when I go up and down like I am literally a rollercoaster with unexpected twists and turns but I do go back and forth with wanting a serious partner and I dont want to say im closed to it right now but I am finally seeing what my life could be like alone and thrououghly being excited about it which I think is a lot more productive than being sad about being alone 24/7 I just think im maturing which is nice and Im excited to continue growing and learning

job woes, the great resignation, moving, post grad depression, climate change, succession, nepotism, covid 19 pandemic, imposter syndrome, animals vs humans, whiteness in the workplace, empathy vs sympathy, perspective understanding different dynamics, settling down marriage and kids, traditional values, strength, single woman, office dynamics , capitalism, the facade of happiness 

the episode cuts but i’ll post the other part lol these are my crazy dreams just examples of what i’ve been struggling with all NOT REAL: dating caleb heron talking about wicked talking to cynthia erivo my friend from ha in audience needing to pee people rushing out of th theater to pee

(watched caleb heron podcast w ziwe) (my friend from hs got married she was in the dream too robbie and gabby winder pod w shannon and becca moore)nyc musicals a stand up taking you on a date to their set

living in the front of a building where everyone needed to walk through your apartment un the morning and the receptionist worked in it and the next door was a weird place where people like paid for people to get raw meat thrown on them (saw lady gaga meat dress before bed) being a single women single mom the worker coming home and seeing gross shit everywhere throw on the window covering and the babies having to go in the meat center when they clean it out (apartment concerns) (trisha paytas podcast) parentheses show what made my dream like that

My 2024

snl hyper fixation trisha paytas on snl

regal unlimited pass

my reddit darkness era so gross

seeking male attention / validation not wanting something and getting it instead of vice versa

being yourself

mercury retrograde

the understanding you have with people you grew up with

being triggered by changes and the importance of shared history

standing up for your life

i loved challengers so much i can talk about it for hours i will probably talk about it on here again. i love the tortured poets department so much. i hate being a music grower. gabbing about my trip to london it was so fucking fun shout out london. LONDON IS MY CITY work to nick crompton from team10. also, since leaving in my rachel chinouriri phase like her music gives london it’s so fucking good! i’m eating it up!!!! GO LISTEN TO HER. i feel like old school jenna marbles writing a description like this… might go back to weekly episodes again. ZENDAYA’s body in challengers also inspired my recent body. Her body is tea. I was fucking gagging. Weight loss era I felt fat AF in London. Seriously, I have never felt more like a monster. I can’t believe I have been wearing rain boots a size too big for 2 years. Quote of this episode: “I love a flawed woman.” I am a flawed woman. Talking about my fucked up astrological chart.

It was very eye opening to see the protests going on against the ongoing genocide happening in Palestine right now.

Places to support:

https://asianamericanadvocacyfund.org/resources-for-palestine/#palaccounts

i’m sorry if i misspoke in this podcast. i had so much to say. i am not trying to offend anyone with my words at all. this has been such a sad time. i just hope his family and friends are doing okay. i wish everybody the best. life is hard out here.

thanks for listening .

Y’all something has fucking shifted I am now an avid DCP watcher I disagree with some things he says and i do think there is a little misogyny there but i think he’s getting better but I watched the della vlogs video adopting their child prior to his video and i was so skeeved out 

From her not knowing how to hold a baby tl]o the FaceTime meet and greet for a newborn i just wondered how all of this happened and how my opinion on surrogacy and quick adoption has changed 

When i was younger I always looked as adoption as so awesome and thought wow people who adopt are such good people like they are helping a child from becoming an orphan or being stuck in foster care and not caring if they are biologically their child or not i thought wow maybe i will adopt when im older 

But as ive grown ive seen the abuse of foster parents fostering just to collect a check i look at amberlynn reid and i know there is a lot of other stuff going on with her and her situation but i feel like the system failed her honesty and it just seems like a lot of people have these stories 

Children shouldn’t be adopted or fostered to be used as content

and i just dont understand why no one told her how to hold the baby. 

anyways thanks for listening these laws need to come NOW. 

Ive realized that there is no point in staying in style and following fashion trends because everything goes in and out so much it doesn’t even matter like I have never been big on fashion but seeing how many things ive always loved come back in and go back out is crazy

Also women love to make fun of other women for how they dress and how they follow trends or spend their money and I blame the cheugy trend and capitalism the indea of trends relate to the amount of consumption

It leads back to my women are mean thing and it crosses over into so many categories I think about black women and hair trends and how wigs being detectable has become this big conversation and I decided im getting dreads next month and a big reason why is im tired of trying to keep up

Im tired of being embarrassed of new growth, or not knowing what to do with my natural hair and then the capitalism aspect and having to spend so much money monthly or hair maintenance its never-ending and I think having dreads is the first step to defying the demands of being a women in a capitalist country

jumbled and crazy and incoherent probably misspoke a few times and am definitely biased #mochagrande vibes!!!

I think im starting to come to terms with just being alone and I feel like alone is not even the right word just independent and not in the im better because im not dependent on someone else way in the “ that’s just the way it is” song reference way and not because im not worthy honestly just because sometimes you don’t want to put in that effort I don’t want to sound like a pick me but like im not in the mood to put on a show and try to make myself seem desirable to anyone I wear makeup for myself and I don’t judge anyone for doing what I said previously but maybe that’s just what makes me gay doing all of these things in hopes to find a partner seems like a show to me like a facade its not something that I would do anyways Growing up I was the mean pick me friend the one who embarrassed her friend in front of boys Because I was jealous I would always be sad when my friends liked boys that I liked or hide it but I think it all waters down to the lack of attention You never hear people admitting to. Being the bad guy you never hear how those people grow and was definitely the bad guy a bully not a good friend not a good person mean I don’t know why there’s no one to blame its all on me but what I can say is I deeply regret it and I’ve changed and learned so much I saw a tiktok recently about how you can’t change peoples opinions on you and how they remember you you will always remember someone as how they were when you last saw them not realizing how much self growth they could’ve had I saw ANOTHER tiktok (someone please take the app from me) About how its easy to forget that everyone is in their own movie behind each window that you can see into someone has their own battles their own people characters and its hard to realize that I guess what I am saying is be yourself and not care about others as a former villain and everyone is a villain in someones story I think I could say that I spent so much time worrying about tother peoples opinions of me that I failed to care about how my awful decisions impacted them I hope I can look back on these podcasts in a few years and feel like I have grown shit maybe ill go back to therapy! But until then see you next time :)

My moods have gone very up and down recently like to the point where it seems almost detrimental its very scary anyways this morning I was listening to the NPR Lifekit podcast and it was just talking about our brains and how our brains are so fueled by dopamine

I was supposed to upload this video about hamza tomorrow but what he posted today inspired me to post it today

im embarrassed to say this but i consume a lot of content but i have never found myself in this situation i subscribed to this guy after watching one video and i didn’t even realize who his content was for or what he did i think i was swooned because he was so attractive and had a nice voice but i got humbled real quick because his content is definitely lot geared towards me

anyways i know that i need to diversify the content i watch and i feel like i could learn a lot for him but i was shocked first off he’s the first creator i’ve ever seen refer to the gender when making videos it’s like he assumes no women watch him when i’m very much a woman watching him so it feels like i’m listening in on a conversation i wasn’t invited to but after listening to his videos for a week i quickly gathered this

1. men are very easily construed
2. men do not understand how to put themselves in other shoes
3. they literally embody the idea of be delusional they have this large sense of entitlement and expectation for success
4. and four i love all of it

he preaches the idea of having a serotonin detox, living below your means, starting your own business, quitting school, retiring your parents, taking care of your body etc. he’s like the stereotypical entrepreneur man who believes that with a change of mindset and a work ethic you can amount to anything and it’s kind of beautiful because he is so out of touch which most men are but it’s honestly something i want to embody

he makes so many references to this thing called jeffry brain which i don’t know his definition but to me it’s literally that song thinking with my dick like doing things for your comfort instead of bettering yourself and in one of his recent videos he honed in on just making yourself do things and not listening to your brain that wants you to stay comfortable and i really liked that advice

he like talks down on those working in corporate jobs and those who are overweight and overworked and i wonder what his thoughts on capitalism and the fact that most likely at the end of the day he wouldn’t be able to be an entrepreneur if there weren’t people in the corporate world and how fucked up it is to feed this narrative of being an entrepreneur is better than working in the corporate world for every single person when that’s physically not true or possible and this is all with me agreeing with his idea of business and what it can do for you but like he’s missing some pieces and he doesn’t claim to have them all

i want to know why he is so obsessed with the manly image and like why he directs his videos towards men? women can have a business?

i’ve been so obsessed with the differences in male and female thought patterns mostly due to this tiktoker lipglosssss who constantly talks about feeling like she was meant to be a dude and have that power and in a sense i feel the same way sometimes i just want to grind and like be at the top and i think that’s why i butt heads with men in general but it’s just like at the end of the day it’s so crazy to see how the world has allowed men to act and think they seem to have no barriers in their way school is a social construct to them it’s something they don’t need to do to be successful and women are the most college educated and still make less to a dollar i don’t know im gonna keep on watching the dude when i feel inspired to do it but if he’s listening to this i’d love to know why he thinks no females are listening?

shari franke book the house of my mother thoughts

mufasa

babygrirl

the last show girl

beauty and pain and jobs i hate working nyc influencer talk and cancelled podcast

the state of the world

spending time with my parents stavros halkias podcast

fire conspiracies

my obsession with watching real people

the rise of real people celebrities and how it could all fall

my hypocrisy

helping people and it ruining your life bc you care so much

wanting to create but feeling powerless and a lack of creativity

sister wives kody and janelle being step siblings and that being kept under the rug and weird

traitors sucks but i love it what i would change

the pre period working vibe and then the slump wanting to off myself

life doesnt wrap up in 30 minutes keke palmer quote

the black burn when you hear something and instantly feel unsafe

going to the house tour and the door getting slammed in our faces

listening to some of the musicals ariana grande recommended

people want a place where they can speak freely but why do we often speak in a way that offends others

carrie underwood and country music i want to make more art that doesn’t make people feel the black burn. but maybe wrestles with the idea of the opposite

why i’m scared for trumps america is im scared that more of those black burns will happen

the balance of someone telling you something that makes you assume something else and then having to unlearn it feeling bad at design

RPDR Rupaul’s Drag Race s17 love shipping kori and lydia i love the girls i love reality tv seeing people bond over a shared experience i want more shared experiences in my life

cities show indicators to society but also utopia i can tell people are struggling here and the divide is growing deeper and it’s scary but also the way we talk about it and i talk about it has to change

i feel so lazy i’m trying to find my ideal job it’s like what do i want to do i want to be happy with my job but does it have to be my dream job maybe it’s just the area i live in ? i like my job i like designing but is it my passion or do i just not like working a 9-5 so it’s seriously making me hate it but i’m scared go try to change careers low because is that even what i want to do in ten years you know?

like with technological advances comes an ease with life here are some things i need i understand a lot of this shit won’t get fixed because we live in a capitalist society and the things we consume get worse and worse quality and quantity wise so we will need to buy more and more but im sick of it im going to talk about what i hate

something that makes taking the trash out easier

wrapping paper that is reusable

pictures should come with something that adheres to the wall and doesnt leave a mark this can be created this can be done i believe in you

all kitchen appliances should be dishwasher safe no questions

you should be able to dye your nails like you dye your hair or like permanent nails

we should be able to stop our periods l

i want my body to literally be an iPhone lets evolve that i can just plug something in and see all my levels like literally an app that sees everything going on this is the future that is healthcare to me 

we have evolved the need for glass i have broken so many glass things there should be something else i dont know what im trying to say with this one but you catch my drift… hopefully 

i was thinking about this the other day tires should be able to not get punctured by nails i do not know how but like lets fix it 

i was listening to white noise while reading and it made me feel like they were actually in a rainstorm for a second and it was so peaceful and cool and i thought like the online book reading devices should do like podcasts and playlists synced with pages with different sound related to the text kind of like how its done in audiobooks sometimes i dont know 

artists should be able to bring in their music sound into the roles they take when artistic interpretation is up for discussion like i was imagining jailen josey being princess tiana and how her sound would tackle tiana classics and even just like an album with their spin after doing the project like chloe x halle production of the little mermaid soundtrack everything reminds me of the hamilton mixtape because i think that project is just so cool and should be done more often!!!

side note artists need to do pop ups once they create albums albums listening parties concert tours that mimic the state they were in when they made it what was your house like at that time what was your vibe what was a studio night like i need more music videos made in the studio the night the song was made i feel like albums are so distinct they give such a time such an era i need more information like i would love to know everything about how an album i love was made one of my favorite things is going to artists pages and seeing their musical influences like rina saywama i believe has a playlist talking about what inspired songs on sawayama and its brilliant like i want to be in your mind when you came up with this album i want to see vlogs i know this probably sounds so creepy but this is how much i love music like im obsessed i would eat up all that conten

rina’s playlist https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3ZBj2iKJgeCPDg0AGibAXk?si=6e0b41487572423f 

MY SISTER WIVES DEEP DIVE IM OBSESSED

saw anyone but you cute but not quite there i’m such a movie critic these days but i think my answer is i just have to try to write a rom com that’s like one of my biggest goals 

the needle that weaves it through like what makes it funny like i would love to find that perfect formula snd bring rom cons back 

• saw iron claw and it was beautifully shot like i know it’s ironic saying this if you watched the movie but the camera views were great 
• the story is so tragic and sad and if you’ve watched the podcast before this is a story i wish i knew when i talked about how much i hate controlling sports parents i hate it because i had one to a small extent 

resume is a great name like it’s so pretty 

Something that really upsets me about what has happened with Trisha Paytas is how H3 fans and Ethan started this hate mob against her after giving a platform to her for so long

I actually kind of despise Ethan and I think that he exploited Trisha a lot during frenemies He created an environment that allowed her to get triggered tremendously and to me it was obvious he only started the podcast for money everything he does is fueled by money and engagement and you could say all the same things about Trisha Paytas 

which is true because they honestly are so similar

What makes me so upset about this situation is that Trisha never deleted videos or hid her past prior to this past year and it makes me wonder what pushed her to do so

I hated that frenemies is what caused people to cancel her and not her racist, and ignorant past I think because I watched her so long and was aware of her trolling I never looked at that stuff as real but she’s so complex I literally never know when she is telling the truth or not

I think about when she was drugged out and I was like a teenager watching her videos and not even knowing she was high

But then I think about how when she came out as transgender and everyone cancelled her but in the next few years being gender fluid became really popular and she just honestly didn’t have a term for gender dysphoria I think a lot of her cancellation come from her ignorance and of course at 33 she should be able to convey her thoughts clearly but I do wonder how many things she has done without malicious intent and has been met with a ton of criticism

I think I honestly see myself in Trisha and not in a good way I think about what happened with her and the DID community and how when people said she wasnt being serious she turned to harshly trolling and therefore upsetting and entire community she has like this temper and she fires back so quickly without thinking about who she harms in the process I think about when she outed her boyfriend Sean Vanderwilt after receiving text messages that he was at a gay club

Trisha Paytas has now realized how awful all of her prior behaviors are but she expects people to just up and forget them and instead of people having serious questions about her being genuine she critiques her criticizers as rude and people who dont have a positive outlook on life and it is super distasteful considering she was there not that long ago

I think the best thing she could have done in this situation is just apologize for her past and say I understand the people who dont believe I have good intentions because of my past but I will continue to prove to my audience that I have changed and thoroughly regret my past decisions

It reminds me of her begging ethan to stop talking about her and even though I agree he went too far her responding only escalated the situation heightened the amount of video responses and allowed her to get critiqued more the best response to that situation was to just leave the internet for a small amount of time

Its honestly embarrassing to see her downfall and then see her feeding the hat on tiktok with trolling and talking about how she loves money when she is trying to be this spiritual enlightenment type personality it doesn’t make sense

I try to watch her content sometimes to keep up but its just sad I got a really bad taste in my mouth when she was dipping into different religions without any knowledge of what is and isn’t appropriate and when she started talking about manifesting after being given properties as a teenager and sitting inside of a 2 million dollar house its just distasteful

I cant imagine how these behaviors effect those born into these religions and communities and cultures and it reminds me of when she wore this awful braided wig a few years ago and refused to apologize to the black community and understand how offensive it was

If you’ve listened to the podcast before i have often come on here talking about the most random things that like ignite a fire under my butt and this is the lqtest one i don’t know but it bugs be so much The quick run through is that Tana Mongeau had Trisha Paytas on her podcast and they talked about Brittany Broski declining and invite to cancelled Everyone was quick to say that’s not cool that’s kind of fucked up not to mention that all three of the women sitting there have had racist pasts Brooke Schofield the quickest to get upset hasn’t acknowledged her racist past at all I don’t like this conversation and airing it out on the podcast for a few reasons Tana constantly gives grace to terrible men and when she has the chance to attack a woman she is first there in the past tana has said oh this person is my best friend hung them out to dry drops them and goes where the wind blows in terms of clout when it deals with other influencers and rising fame levels too which just rubs me the wrong way in comparison brittany gets a lot of hate whether that be because she’s not conventionally attractive in societies standards or was plus size at one point and i think this adds to it i’m just thinking about brittany being asked to go talk about palestine and tana mongeau tellinf a story about recently blowing up a mcdonald’s bathroom i feel like if brittany did the same she would get cancelled for going to mcdonald’s during the boycott this also truly upsets me because it seems like brittany broski has a higher tolerance for collaborating with problematic men then problematic women

i forgot to say my favorite shows.... ive talked about my love for them all year lol  gen v  rpdr season 15  queen charlotte  the bear  favorite movies  theater camp  wonka barbie  little mermaid  favorite artists  amber mark her newest album  troye sivan his new album  luke combs in sorry  taylor swift  coco jones crumbl thoughts where is the fucking pink sugar!!!ijaaddee uranus in taurus the black hair debate jacob elordi v rachel zegler movie trailers are so important my life with the walter boys  YouTube to twitch streamer pipeline britt robertson praise big little lies s3 drue basham mercury retrograde matt rife.... lexie lombard and meghan hughes drama surrogacy shane dawson ryland adams parish hilton paris in love youtube trailer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vZvm0IaKA5I

- neurodivergent in workplace — try harder - my teenage years second puberty and protection years trying to understand my body and face and wondering if plastic surgery and beauty changes are just that or missing your old body - altercations when younger - getting into issues while younger - being a bad person and feeling like i am deserving of all the bad things that happened to me - suicidal - not having anything to live for - how much manifestation helps me - how i don’t want to be with my not perfect person - missing my family but does absence make the heart grow fonder? - my weird attraction and the lesbian master doc - how misconstruing the media is with headlines; meghan trainor - how you have to look for ways to find the things you want to change - how important friendships and relationships are; but also honoring yourself - balance is important in everything and honoring your birth chart - how crazy the world can get and what we can do to change it - my fantasy military wife dream

openly working against neurodivergent students

gifted students

former gifted complex

telling kids who’s smart and who isn’t

brooke micicio nightmare tweet

fostering anxiety

kees getting beat for his grades

me being chased around a table

black parents feeling like there kids have to be smart

comparing kids

I was watching the newest Abbott Elemntary episode and I’m so happy that this show is allowing me to see myself on screen in so many different ways that I havent seen before.

It makes me wonder when our society will further think about neurodivergent students when designing the school education system and how we refer to our students and their brains and behaviors

It was cool to see their ways of solving the apparent issues of the gifted program and trying to highlight each kid for what they are talented in or excel in because at the end of the day our school system rewards memorization not necessarily using our brains

I saw a tweet this week from Brooke miccio about how she’s years out from college and still has nightmares about failing a test and I think that just shows how toxic the system is

I think back to tests and how its literally just regurgitating information instead of actually putting it to use in most tests

these memorization tests are setting up people with ADHD and other learning disabilities up to fail

and of course IEP’s are a thing and help a plethora of students

but I think about how fucked up our medical system is and how many people are diagnosed with things that could’ve impacted how they learned ,later on in life its insane so many kids could have done better in school and had completely different trajectories for their lives due to these mishaps

I think about my history with the gifted program and my experience as a test anxious students I was like half in the gifted program and similarly to Tyler’s character in abbot I always felt just not quite smart enough

I think about my identity as a black woman and the clip in the episode where all the kids say hey im smart over each other and it brings me back to my parents and how many black parents feel like their kids have to be smart to release generational curses and become successful

I remember being chased around my house scream crying from my mom because I got a c on a test in elementary school and then I saw a tiktok from Kees Crawford about how we would get spanked and whooped if his grades weren’t good growing up my bad grades resulted in punishment devices being taken away from me and it created this feeling of anxiety and sacredness when it came to my studies

And that transition for formerly gifted students has to be hell I always felt dumber than the smartest people around me but woah was I in a shock when I got to college I think of a lot of the people I thought were smart growing up and how many of them I saw struggle in college and drop out its like this advantage this tier they are given as children come back to bite them on the butt especially in college because you dont just have to be smart to survive college you have to be mentally stable and independent which isn’t necessarily learned through school or these gifted programs

I just want more thought In the systems we create and of course it will never be perfect and everyone thinks differently and learns differently but the more we can help the better it will be at the end of the day i dont even know what steps to take for it to be done but I just hope it happens :)

This album is one of my all time favorites there is so much about it that I love and I hope I can vocalize it properly because it did something to me! I remember putting it on YouTube the whole album was in one video and I listened to it over and over while doing an AP history project I remember not having much male interaction when I was younger and I just had all these feelings for my crushes that I never voiced and for some reason some of the ballads in this album voiced them for me

When I saw the DCP new video about Kyra I didn’t have a knee jerk reaction. I was unmoved. I think its because this just seems so realistic to me like this is small town gossip to a tee. I do not think its okay if she cheated but I honestly dont know if she did at this point to me the whole situation makes sense and I cant help but think people project a persona that is perfect and doesn’t make mistakes and this one I think I would make very easily. Falling in love is so intimate and so much emotion I think as a society people either look at love like a business or a religious requirement, something to elevate status instead of looking for their other half and maybe its the hopeless romantic in me but Ive always loved so hard that it consumes my thoughts.

was starting to really like DCP but something about the last video made me realize why I initially didn’t I didn’t like that he referred to kyra as a hoe. Im not calling him mysogynist but I think society is conditioned to think that women think of sex in terms of pleasuring presumably men instead of doing it because they genuinely like to do it and when women express their desire for intimacy they are ridiculed and villainized when men are just brushed off for it it reminds me of Kandi from RHOA and how you see het men treat women who are sexually secure and verbalize that

What pisses me off is the people who say they care about the kids in the comments and say but the kids will see that and then say something derogatory in their comment towards a parent like you do not care about the kids you care about getting a top comment and the drama if you cared about the kids you wouldn’t engage especially in a negative way that the kids could just as well see as the content you are consuming about it

I still stand by everything in my initial episodes beside my aggression towards Oscar I realized today that Kyra’s brain is now fully developing and wondering how that must feel to have four kids a failed relationship and experiencing living on your own for the first time right when your brain begins to slow down

Im thinking of both of them and the kids this will be a big year of change for them and I dont know these people personally but sometimes I feel like they do because they just share so much information with the internet but I just think we should extend some grace to these adults who come from broken homes who are obviously very eagerly looking for love and desire wherever they can get it

I think about what I am going to say next a lot. As a teenager I had one teacher who at times I became really bitchy toward I would flip her off because she was outwardly racist she would say “ I dont know what to do with her” etc. I think this is when I started exhibiting bipolar behaviors and instead of reaching out and trying to do something about it she grouped me as a trouble child instead of realizing there was something more there.

Making quick opinions and judging someone off of their worst decisions isn’t fair especially when there could be something more at the surface Kyra has openly struggled with mental health issues and it could be something much deeper causing her to make rash decisions not saying that that negates how I acted in high school or how kyra allegedly acted in this relationship but it could somewhat explain it

I feel like social media is all these strong opinions and hate mobs that blow and change with the weather one day everyone likes Amy Schumer the next day they hate her one day we support victims and the next day they are making jokes about an abusive relationship brought to public court (Amber Heard and Johnny Depp) 

APOC 

Dad Challenge Podcast 

Kyra and Oscar Okbaby Drama Preston and Hannah Hawker

halle baileys the little mermaid was awesome! my thoughts on chikas twitter rant about crying baby on the plane… UGH

• Elvis
• Tupac

Not trying to boost my ego any higher but I love how the smallest of topics and conversations create a connection in my brain to something deeper

My friend messaged me thinking about a mutual friend and how her younger cousin was told that her dead father was in the moon and she was like thats so messed up and we were talking about like child development and the adults in her life and their reasoning behind not telling her the truth and the idea of avoiding a hard conversation anyways

I saw the trailer for the new Elvis movie starring Austin butler which I really want to see and I thought about this women I meant in my childhood she was like a childcare assistant and she was obsessed with Elvis and she had believed that he was still alive and I think about all the theories of dead celebrities being alive like Elvis and Tupac and it made me think on how everyone is so quick to not accept the truth and believe they are privy to more information about a situation that they dont even know and I think about our society’s relationship with celebrities and their personal lives

Like as a former huge Shane Dawson fan who literally viewed his conspiracy theory documentaries as something truly possible it creates this weird idea where like tragic events are reduced to a conspiracy for shock value and a hit YouTube video I dont know if that makes sense

But I think about all of the vaccine and election conspiracies and these ones really feel almost comical to me solely because individuals feel like they matter so much to the government and that they are being micro-chipped and shit like who fucking cares where you go? And I know that sounds harsh its just like these conspiracy theories allow people to blow things so out of proportion that they make themselves and others feel and seem more valuable than they actually are

Its also like sad because I understand not trusting the government but how fucked up is it that most peoples first instinct is to automatically not believe the opinion being fed to you but feel like with your own research whatever you come up with is automatically better than to this person on your tv screen who is being fed information from people in the labs or sitting at an expensive desk

This is just another example of my contradictory thoughts but as much as I love a good conspiracy theory sometimes I feel like its easier to just be a sheep and not get too invested into bigger ideas of things that dont really impact you at the end of the day

But then again I am keen on the idea of choosing so do that too! i guess my only advice is like when you start creating conspiracies ask yourself why? Are you doing this because you dont understand the more agreed answer? Are you doing this because you cant live with it and believing it ruins your idea of a person or ideology?

alcohol

drugs

fat obesity food

health care

$ and house ownership

rent and the stuff running out

I saw a great video of AOC talking about how we cant give up and how we cant let the propaganda work against us when we are making strides towards everything we believe in and I really loved it Its hard to not feel like we are living in a downward spiraling society when you really analyze our living conditions

I think about my opinion on alcohol and how we are drinking our sorrows constantly to not think about how shitty our lives are and I think about other countries with a deep drinking history like Ireland and Germany and how they seem to have such a better relationship with alcohol i dont know I could completely wrong but it just seems like they drink for different situations than we do

I feel so bad for the people in my life who cant commit to dry January when I literally couldn’t tell you the last time I drank any alcohol and its no shade our society glorifies drinking to fuel the economy but what about the bad decisions it makes how about the negative impacts it has on your body? What about the amount of people who become addicted to drinking and have to commit to being sober and the impact that has on their lives and of course I think that impact could be positive at the end of the day and some may say you have to go through some bad shit to learn but what if the world was just more transparent and everything wasnt fueled by money and Americans were actually able to live their best lives

The Sex and the City reboot has gotten a lot of negative feedback but I think it was great for them to highlight how the pandemic led to an increase in alcoholics and alcohol consumption in general

I think about the food industry and how sadly I wonder how much skinnier and healthier I would be if I lived in a different country its like everything we do is to fuck up our people and create more health issues and more medical costs capitalism is literally at the root of everything and I just wish I could escape it

Its hard to follow AOC’s words when you hear about how difficult it is to buy a house and how rent prices are increasing and how all of these mega companies are blaming things on inflation while they refuse to lower the heads of the corporations salaries its so tone deaf and disgusting and millionaires and billionaires and trillionaires shouldn’t exist when we have people who need government assistance while working multiple jobs its gross

I wonder how this all connects to the supply chain and how things are running out and its so weird because of how money controls that as well I dont know why but I automatically thought about Logan Paul and his new juice with KSI and how shit like that is in stock but people have been reporting of outages of tons of other shit like I remember not being able to get chicken for a month and of course thats not the end of the world but it just makes you wonder what is really going on

I think about how people are calling this generation lazy and how no one wants to work in the eyes of boomers but everyone I know wants a job has a job or is looking for one and these older people are failing to admit that we lost 1,000,000 people to a pandemic that many of them are failing to admit is real

I just wonder if we will all feel okay soon and everything will go back to normal the way the world feels right now is just not right and gun violence isn’t helping that I’m starting to get scared because there literally was a mass shooting near where I live last night and I can’t fully dwell on it like ive experiences immense sadness over things way smaller especially considering Ive frequented the place the shooting started I’m just scared im becoming desensitized and ive always been really scared of guns…

I just hope things better

I was thinking when I was watching love/life season 2 on HBO how I know so many people who wear glasses and how you often don’t see characters with glasses unless its under the nerdy trope it made me think of how its probably an incorrect portion of people with glasses because a lot of people wear contacts but also like a lot of people don’t I dont know if that makes sense but It kind of makes me mad when I thought about characters in shows I watch who wear glasses I thought of Chidi in the good place but the same actor, doesn’t wear them in love/life Velma Scooby Doo The Professor in Money Heist I thought it was interesting that both chidi and the professor were technically professors and they both wore glasses I think its really weird when ensemble classes have no-one who wear glasses in them are contacts really that popular are their storylines about people wearing glasses versus not I think of what’s his name from Seinfeld I literally went on netfilx scrolled down and waited to see when I saw someone wearing glasses and guess who was wearing glasses the guy who lets people in at the good place this is weird!!!! I don’t even wear glasses but I do not like the glasses erasure!! Marsai Martin is great glasses representation!! She wears them in real life and on the show blackish it makes sense that in a family of five at least one child would wear glasses! Why are glasses associated with ugly? I think of ugly Betty and the first installment of the princess diaries and why a glow up is always involved with someone wearing glasses and it kind of doesnt make sense its like glasses are a trend the way different races and cultures become a trend one minute they are in the next they are out I think about the rise in people wearing trendy reading glasses a few years ago but how their really isn’t glasses representation in television Randall from this is us there are literal glasses tropes! I want to see a dumb character with glasses this narrative can create a lot of stereotypes I know im over exaggerating but I get so wrapped up in little details and this one is pissing me off! I also think of Kat in euphoria and how she also falls under the glow up trope when she finds her sexuality or whatever you see her stop wearing her glasses as much its very weird and I don’t think its necessarily true the trope I don’t think people who wear glasses are less attractive than those wearing contacts but I almost feel like the people I know who wear glasses feel like they are always waiting to switch to contacts it could be a confidence thing but I wonder if it would be different if like troy bolton in high school musical wore glasses? I think this conversation seems so minuscule and stupid but it makes me realize how the things we consume what we watch really helps with creating this beauty standard that marginalizes people who don’t fit in into feeling like they have to change themselves to be accepted get the girl or that if they have a certain attribute they have to follow the tropes and have the same characteristics…. Or maybe im just crazy anyways this is just what comes into my mind during the day