Untitled Star Trek Project (Joe and Nathan)

Star Trek: The Next Generation, Series 3, Episode 15. First broadcast on Monday 19 February 1990.

After the Enterprise-C emerges from a mysteriously swirly space anomaly, Joe and Nathan find themselves in an alternate timeline where Star Trek: The Next Generation is dramatically and impractically lit, full of incident, and sceptical about the 1990s belief in the End of History. Star Trek: Discovery Series 1 arrives nearly 30 years too early, in Yesterday’s Enterprise.

Star Trek: Prodigy, Series 1, Episode 3. First broadcast on Thursday 4 November 2021.

Star Trek welcomes a whole new generation into its ranks, as Dal, Rok-Tahk, Zero, Pog, Murf and their prisoner Gwyn become the new crew of the USS Protostar. Their first mission: to accidentally set course for a black hole, to learn to work together as a crew, and to come to appreciate the value of good advice. And, of course, to boldly go where no one has gone before.

Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, Series 7, Episode 2. First broadcast on Wednesday 12 May 1999.

It’s four weeks until the Deep Space Nine finale, and so it’s time for a momentous and operatic episode, an episode full of subtext and thoughtful performances, and an episode that deals a killing blow to two crumbling empires and changes the status quo forever. In short: an episode that exemplifies everything that makes us love Deep Space Nine.

Star Trek: The Original Series, Series 2, Episode 13. First broadcast on Friday 15 December 1967.

A few tense moments this week, as a fragrant dikironium vampire kills a bunch of redshirts before threatening some characters with names and ultimately the Enterprise itself. But the real suspense comes from an entirely different direction: Will this episode teeter over the edge of camp into baffling semicompetence? Will Kirk’s obsession turn him from a jovial and beloved authority figure into a massive idiot? Will any cue from the Star Trek music library go unused? (No, no and no, fortunately.)

Star Trek: The Next Generation, Series 1, Episode 23. First broadcast on Monday 25 April 1988.

This week, we watch an dreadful hour of Star Trek — cheap, mawkish and absolutely absurd — but we end up enjoying ourselves enormously. Have we found a fatal flaw at the entire heart of the Untitled Star Trek Project?

Star Trek: The Animated Series, Series 2, Episode 6. First broadcast on Saturday 12 October 1974.

A return to the realm of cheap Saturday-morning-cartoon Trek, where the only person apparently putting in any effort is Master of Dialect, Jimmy Doohan. This week, we find ourselves in a universe where space is white, stars are black, people age backwards, women give birth to large old men, and the Enterprise crew are listless, lifeless and dull.

Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, Series 3, Episode 16. First broadcast on Monday 20 February 1995.

Basically nothing happens on Star Trek: Deep Space Nine this week, as Nathan undergoes a religious experience which inspires him to be terribly nice to people for a change, while Joe anticipates failing to win a major podcasting award. Still, sometimes it’s just nice to hang out with the people you love, isn’t it?

Star Trek: Enterprise, Series 4, Episode 22. First broadcast on Friday 13 May 2005.

This week Enterprise fans get the chance to watch their favourite show with Jonathan and Marina sitting next to them on the couch, which only raises enraging and bewildering questions like Is any of this even real? and Does any of this actually matter? (to which the answers are of course not and if you like, respectively). Meanwhile, Trip is forced to sacrifice himself to ensure that Archer gets the chance to participate in the foundation of the Federation, without which, to be honest, none of us would even be here. Probably.

Star Trek: Voyager, Series 5, Episode 18. First broadcast on Wednesday 3 March 1999.

For the living know that they shall die: but the dead know not any thing, neither have they any more a reward; for the memory of them is forgotten. (Ecclesiastes 9:5)

This week, like every week, we continue to experience our gradual, humiliating dissolution, to dread our own inevitable deaths, and to consider with dismay the deaths of everyone we have ever known or loved. And so, to cheer ourselves up, we decide to watch an episode of Star Trek: Voyager.

Star Trek: Strange New Worlds, Series 1, Episode 9. First broadcast on Thursday 30 June 2022.

Of course the people you care about are going to cause you pain. It will hurt, but the love it yields will far outweigh the sorrow. Now, hand me the electron coupler.

In this week’s Strange New Worlds, we watch standard space genre things happen to relaxed and likeable characters. Which, turns out, works incredibly well.

Star Trek: The Next Generation, Series 3, Episode 3. First broadcast on Monday 9 October 1989.

On the ravaged surface of the Federation colony planet Rana IV, the crew of the USS Enterprise are surprised to discover an excitingly modernist Malibu home set in a lush, quadrilateral garden; after landing on the planet with an away team, Will Riker is surprised to find himself dangling upside down by his ankles; soon after that Deanna Troi is surprised to find herself suffering from an unpleasant and potentially fatal earworm. Meanwhile, back in 1990, Nathan Bottomley and a very young Joe Ford are increasingly surprised to discover a new season of Star Trek: The Next Generation which surpasses both its predecessors in both competence and interest.

Star Trek: Voyager, Series 6, Episode 3. First broadcast on Wednesday 6 October 1999.

A quick trip to the afterlife this week, as B’Elanna discovers the importance of faith and family, and as Voyager itself discovers (too late, perhaps) the importance of the same things. We also learn that hell is the Voyager sets only lit slightly differently, which is something that we had hitherto only suspected.

Star Trek: The Original Series, Series 3, Episode 1. First broadcast on Friday 20 September 1968.

A young woman wearing fabulous boots materialises on the Enterprise, renders the crew unconscious, and then removes Spock’s brain. And soon we discover — to our horror — that everyone else involved in making this episode has had their brain removed as well.

Star Trek: The Next Generation, Series 5, Episode 5. First broadcast on Monday 21 October 1991.

In this week’s outstanding instalment of Competent People Solving Space Problems, the Enterprise is hit by an unexpected and dangerous premise which separates the crew into five distinct subplots and forces each of them to confront their greatest fears. Deanna contends with yet another fibriform space anomaly, Geordi faces the horrors of a Gilbert and Sullivan patter song, Worf takes on the unlikely and challenging role of midwife, Data finds himself having to leave his genitals in another room, and Picard is trapped in a confined space and compelled to be nice to people for a while.

Star Trek: The Next Generation, Series 1, Episode 20. First broadcast on Monday 21 March 1988.

Long before the invention of Ronald D Moore, the Klingons were simple souls who enjoyed brownface, poisoning grain, making lists of rules, and planting a bomb on the bridge of the Enterprise. But by 2364, the next generation of Klingons had embraced the wave of liberalism sweeping across the galaxy, all except for a few holdouts who refused to read the series bible and decided they would pass their time yelling and pointing guns at the warp core instead.

Star Trek: Enterprise, Series 3, Episode 12. First broadcast on Wednesday 14 January 2004.

This week, untrustworthy foreigners attack and terrorise Enterprise for literally no reason other than the arbitrary tenets of their weird and incorrect religion. There’s a lesson to be learned here, but only if you don’t think too hard about it.

Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, Series 6, Episode 13. First broadcast on Monday 2 November 1998.

Some time in 2374, Ben Sisko, tired of helming Deep Space Nine in wartime, considers handing the job over to someone else. At the same time but in 1953, Benny Russell dreams of a version of himself living beyond the daily indignities of existing as a Black man in America. And meanwhile in 1998, people tuning in for this week’s episode of White People Living on the Moon find themselves watching something far better than they had a right to expect.

Star Trek: Lower Decks, Series 3, Episode 1. First broadcast on Thursday 25 August 2022.

While we wait for the final season of Lower Decks to drop, we head back into the show’s distant past to see how it reintroduces itself to the world at the start of its third season. As you might expect, it’s with love, loyalty, extreme cartoon violence and a few affectionate digs at one of our favourite Star Trek films. And, inevitably, gallons and gallons of alien seminal fluid.

Star Trek: The Original Series, Series 1, Episode 25. First broadcast on Thursday 9 March 1967.

A terrifying cave monster attacks a bunch of miners in pastel jumpsuits and burns them alive: it must be killed to ensure a continuing supply of raw materials for the engines of capitalism. But then, of course, we reach out, learn that the monster is a person, and thereby discover a terrifying truth about ourselves. A triumph: literally the thing that Star Trek is for.

Star Trek: The Next Generation, Series 1, Episode 14. First broadcast on Monday 25 January 1988.

Nothing to learn about gender politics this week as we visit Angel One, where large aggressive women lord it over their twinky male consorts, and Star Trek: The Next Generation finds plenty of exciting new ways to be as offensively sexist as possible. Could someone pass Gene a napkin, please?

Star Trek: Voyager, Series 7, Episode 15. First broadcast on Wednesday 14 February 2001.

This week we drop into a parallel universe where Voyager’s situation is desperate, resources are constrained, and the crew has no alternative but to live by its principles — helping, making friends, reaching out, forming alliances, working together to solve problems, seeking out new life and new civilisations, that sort of thing. Turns out, it would have made quite a good premise for a Star Trek series.

Star Trek: The Animated Series, Series 1, Episode 8. First broadcast on Saturday 27 October 1973.

This week, with a budget of dozens of crisp American dollars at their disposal, Joe and Nathan pull out their smocks, palettes, easels and oils in order to bring you a lavishly illustrated story of human creativity and achievement in a 25-minute episode you won’t be embarassed to show your kids. Or not terminally embarrassed, anyway.

Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, Series 3, Episode 8. First broadcast on Monday 14 November 1994.

This week, Deep Space Nine serves up a Star Trek: The Next Generation episode, in which a respected female character undertakes an ill-advised heterosexual romance with a creepy and unattractive white guy, which makes her look like an idiot. Meanwhile, over in the B-plot, Quark and Jeffrey Coombs try to get hold of some deepfake celebrity porn of Nana Visitor.

Star Trek: The Next Generation, Series 6, Episode 26 / Series 7, Episode 1. First broadcast on Monday 21 June 1993 and Monday 20 September 1993.

After their critically acclaimed attack on Earth on Stardate 44001.4, the Borg are back with a terrifying new plan — to pad out the the running time of the Star Trek: The Next Generation Series 6 finale and Series 7 opener. Meanwhile, Deanna is amused by Data’s porn consumption, Nathan is impressed by Beverly’s approach to command, and Joe is distracted by the memory of much more enjoyable Star Trek episodes.

Star Trek: Prodigy, Series 2, Episodes 1–2. First broadcast on Monday 1 July 2024.

Star Trek: Prodigy is here for a second season, bringing our crew back together and sending them off on an epic mission aboard the USS Voyager. It’s Star Trek: Voyager as you’ve never seen it before, but it would be cruel of us to say why. (Hint: we both think it’s really good.) Also appearing: the two best Roberts, which is quite exciting.

Star Trek: The Next Generation, Series 3, Episode 13. First broadcast on Monday 5 February 1990.

As private parts to the gods are we! They play with us for their sport!

Lord Melchett, Blackadder II: Chains

A defrocked god appears on the bridge of the USS Enterprise and wanders around being much more fun than anyone else aboard. (Apart from Whoopi Goldberg, obviously. And maybe Brent this week.) A solid outing from TNG’s Imperial Phase.

Star Trek: Enterprise, Series 4, Episodes 18–19. First broadcast on Friday 22 April 2005 and Friday 29 April 2005.

The finish line is in sight this week for Star Trek: Enterprise, and so it’s time to throw out the rulebook and have some fun for a change, with a preposterous farrago of fan service that remembers at least that one of our most important jobs is to be enjoyable and entertaining. T’Pol starts wearing a miniskirt and Archer drinks some poisoned champagne, and, frankly, we couldn’t possibly be happier.

Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, Series 5, Episode 24. First broadcast on Monday 19 May 1997.

This week, Deep Space Nine does the best that it can with a slasher horror premise involving four redshirts and some murderous Cardassians, including beloved secondary character, plain, simple Garak. Fortunately, no one suffers any long-term ill-effects — except for the people who are no longer around to complain, I suppose.

Star Trek: The Original Series, Series 2, Episode 25. First broadcast on Friday 15 March 1968.

In hoc episodio, cum nautae astronavis Enterprise ad Urbem Aeternam pervenissent, brevi tempore magister Kirk amicos suos in harena certantes spectavit, passerem garo elixum gustavit, ancillam formosissimam futuit, postremo festinanter discessit. Sed dum navem solvit, cognoscit se testem fuisse novam religionem pacis ac fraternitatis oriri.

Star Trek: Lower Decks, Series 3, Episode 7. First broadcast on Thursday 6 October 2022.

This week, a mathematically perfect recurring villain gets her own episode of Star Trek, and we discover how much fun the show can be without all that relentless moralising, just moments before we also discover how much fun it is to watch a villain get her comeuppance while some dunderheaded bird people shake off the dead shackles of a stupid tradition.

Star Trek: Voyager, Series 2, Episode 18. First broadcast on Monday 19 February 1996.

Opinions are split on this week’s Untitled Star Trek Project, with Nathan leading the prosecution and Joe the defence. Will Nathan sentence Death Wish to be imprisoned a comet, subsisting only on a rare form of Nogatch hemlock? Or will Joe prevail with the argument that at least it’s Voyager trying to have something to say and giving John DeLancie a new thing to do?

Star Trek: The Next Generation, Series 6, Episode 9. First broadcast on Saturday 14 November 1992.

Data is excited to get a new puppy and understandably miffed when Riker decides to explode it in order to solve this week’s space problem. Back on Earth, Nathan is delighted by the story’s optimism and sheer nerdery, while Joe remains sceptical.

Star Trek: Discovery, Series 4, Episode 1. First broadcast on Thursday 18 November 2021.

The crew of the USS Discovery are really settling down and starting to enjoy their new life in the 32nd century — fixing some butterflies’ GPS network, giving a commencement speech to some socially-distanced Starfleet Academy students, and fixing the unexpected and alarming angular velocity of a Federation space station. Then suddenly an unimaginable tragedy strikes.

Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, Series 6, Episode 20. First broadcast on Wednesday 22 April 1998.

Fly me to the moon
Let me trek among the stars
Let me taste the cocktails
In some holographic bars
In other words, please be true
In other words, I love you

Star Trek: Enterprise, Series 2, Episode 22. First broadcast on Wednesday 30 April 2003.

The crew of Enterprise encounter the Vissians, a genial and technologically advanced species who enslave three percent of their population and force them to have sex with married couples who wish to conceive their horrible latex-faced children. Surprisingly, we’re generally fine with this. Apart from Trip, who is a good person.

Star Trek: Prodigy, Series 1, Episodes 19–20. First broadcast on Thursday 22 December 2022 and Thursday 29 December 2022.

You may think you need me to get there, but after seeing everything you’ve accomplished, I have full confidence you’ll find your way. Because together your potential is infinite.

Now, go boldly.

This week, the crew of the USS Protostar save the Galaxy in the most selfless and heartwarming way imaginable, in a version of Star Trek that’s complex, enthralling and breathtakingly beautiful.

Star Trek: The Next Generation, Series 6, Episode 3. First broadcast on Monday 5 October 1992.

It’s an outstandingly stupid episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation this week, except for the astonishingly brilliant idea of giving Marina fun things to do and a range of fabulously fun things to wear. Actually, let me start that again. It’s an astonishingly brilliant episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation this week,…

Star Trek: The Animated Series, Series 1, Episode 6. First broadcast on Saturday 13 October 1973.

This week, crudely-drawn slow-moving simulacra of the Enterprise crew interact listlessly in a crudely-drawn slow-moving simulacrum of Star Trek. Except for the shapeshifting red octopus, which is awesome. Meanwhile, Joe drops £2.50 renting a Star Trek episode whose budget was nearly ten times that, adjusted for inflation.

Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, Series 4, Episode 17. First broadcast on Saturday 24 February 1996.

This week, Miles and Julian learn about larping and friendship, Kira learns about clay and the inevitability of authoritarian male religious figures, and we learn about subtext and delightful character development — all thanks to Jane Espenson, who, it turns out, is the real hero of the episode.

Star Trek: Enterprise, Series 3, Episode 18. First broadcast on Wednesday 3 March 2004.

This week, the Xindi and some big-ass lizard guy get to beat the crap out of (a) Enterprise and (b) Captain Archer, respectively. Meanwhile, Nathan and Joe are delighted, not because they’re mean (although they are), but because this is such a thoroughly entertaining hour of Star Trek: Enterprise. Who knew such things could be?

Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, Series 5, Episode 20. First broadcast on Monday 21 April 1997.

Again, the story doesn’t really have a legitimate theme, it’s just More Ferengi Farce, but without any solid laughs. In fact, I’d put “Ferengi Love Songs” on or near the bottom of the Ferengi episode list.

Jamahl Epsicokhan, Jammer’s Reviews

It’s all pretty trivial and unamusing. The only reason this is watchable at all is that Armin Shimerman is so accomplished. Moogie is right – leave your action figures in their original packaging.

Tom Salinksy, Trekaday

It was a show that worked well in dailies, in little snippets, but put it all together and you’re saying ‘Enough already!’"

Ira Steven Behr, Star Trek: Deep Space Nine Companion

– I don’t think that that episode was as good as either A Night in Sickbay or Genesis, but I do think it was pretty fun, and I’m glad that Deep Space Nine does it.
– Yeah, I don’t think that was an amazing episode, but pretty fun, I’ll take.

Nathan and Joe, Untitled Star Trek Project

Star Trek: Picard, Series 1, Episode 4. First broadcast on Thursday 13 February 2020.

It’s been thirty-five years since the Romulans turned up again out of the blue, but now we couldn’t imagine a day without them. And so many of them! Narek and Narissa, two English Romulan Game of Thrones fans who are trying to kill Data’s (remaining) daughter. Zani, a stunningly calm and beautiful Romulan Sincerity Nun. Her ward Elnor, an adorably elfin Romulan Truth Ninja from Melbourne. And a whole angry mob of hot refugee Romulans bearing a justified grudge against Picard for making a loud moral stand while failing to actually help them in any way.

And Rios, Agnes and Raffi are here too of course, in a transitional episode that gives us the chance to talk about where Picard goes wrong, and what it still manages to do very well.

Star Trek Movie #8. Release date: 1996

After a botched first attempt back in 1994, the Star Trek movie franchise brings back many of the beloved characters from Star Trek: The Next Generation in a thrilling adventure, packed full of action, scares and laughs — as well as some sexy moments with an undead cyborg lizard and an optimistic message about the future of humanity. Five stars, really.

Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, Series 1, Episode 10. First broadcast on Sunday 14 March 1993.

This week, we travel back to a time in the distant past aboard Deep Space Nine, a time before anyone has worked out how the show should be played, written or directed. There’s some fun to be had, of course, but not from watching this episode.

Star Trek: Short Treks, Series 2, Episode 6. First broadcast on Thursday 9 January 2020.

An inexplicable terrorist attack on Mars claims tens of thousands of lives. But how to react to it? Do we succumb to panic and fear? Or do we forget our differences and re-commit to our shared values?

Star Trek: Picard, Series 1, Episode 7. First broadcast on Thursday 5 March 2020.

Picard and Soji arrive on the planet Nepenthe, where their confusion and self-doubt are assuaged by the planet’s atmophere, by the love of trustworthy old friends, and by some really good wood-fired pizza. Meanwhile, Agnes vomits two or three times, a beloved secondary character is horribly murdered, and a pretty young Romulan is trapped on a Borg cube with little hope of escape. On balance, we think it’s a win.

Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, Series 6, Episode 19. First broadcast on Wednesday 15 April 1998.

This week, we discuss one of Star Trek’s most sacred texts — a forty-five minute Ben Sisko soliloquy, in which he saves the galaxy in a trolley problem of Garak’s devising, killing in the process a Romulan Senator, an obnoxious blue guy and at least one really hot Romulan bodyguard. Is this a great episode, a truly great episode, or something else altogether?

Star Trek: Discovery, Series 3, Episode 13. First broadcast on Thursday 7 January 2021.

Previously, on Star Trek: Discovery: it’s the distant future, the Federation is broken, and isolationism runs rampant. Then, of course, lots of things happen, we make new connections, and find a new purpose. And now, the very noisy conclusion. Explosions! Gunfights! Space battles! There’s plenty of action, but do we find ourselves missing the days when Star Trek was a lot of people talking urgently in rooms?

Star Trek: The Next Generation, Series 7, Episodes 25–26. First broadcast on Monday 23 May 1994.

After seven years of thorny space problems and some of the most ingenious space solutions in Starfleet history, what do we have left to learn? Something about tachyon scans and anti-time, inevitably, but also something about the enduring power of love and friendship. Let’s see what’s in here.

Star Trek: Voyager, Series 4, Episode 6. First broadcast on Wednesday 8 October 1997.

In this week’s meeting of the Jeri Ryan Appreciation Society, we watch the most aggressively average Star Trek episode the Randomiser can find, only to discover that there’s still a lot of fun to be had — hilariously sluggish action scenes, a shockingly low-effort Intransigent Alien Race, and some wonderfully subtle and nuanced performances from Ethan Phillips, Tim Russ and Jeri Ryan.

Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, Series 3, Episode 3. First broadcast on Monday 10 October 1994.

In this week’s episode of Family Ties, when Quark (Michael J Fox) lies about his involvement in the death of a belligerent Klingon customer, he finds himself threatened, hauled off to Qo’nos, forcibly married, and required to defend the honour of his house before the High Council with a combination of Excel spreadsheets and extreme physical cowardice. Will he learn a Very Important lesson about the dangers of greed? (Spoilers: no.)

Star Trek: The Original Series, Series 3, Episode 6. First broadcast on Friday 25 October 1968.

The crew of the Enterprise find themselves in a weird and beautifully directed simulacrum of Tombstone, Arizona with a couple of hours to kill before their certain death at the hands of Wyatt Earp’s gang of off-puttingly ugly cowboys. Meanwhile, we all learn a valuable lesson about why Star Trek is superior to real TV westerns. A classic.

Star Trek: Voyager, Series 4, Episodes 18–19. First broadcast on Wednesday 4 March 1998.

It’s business as usual on Star Trek this week, as the crew of Voyager find themselves in an episode of Secret Army which has been cast, written and directed by latex-headed aliens in Nazi uniforms. Will Voyager’s extensive back catalogue of holodeck programs persuade the Hirogen that there’s more to life than festooning your bulkheads with human skulls? Or will the Captain be forced (reluctantly) to kill Seven of Nine first?

Star Trek: Prodigy, Series 1, Episode 8. First broadcast on Saturday 22 January 2022.

It’s a heartwarming rite of passage for our youngest Star Trek crew — their very first encounter with a baffling new kind of temporal anomaly. And it’s not just any temporal anomaly: it’s a metaphor for the difficulties they have co-operating as a crew and an opportunity to overcome those difficulties. Plus, it gives Rok-Tahk the chance to be sweet, vulnerable, clever and magnificent in turn. And who doesn’t want to see that?

Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, Series 5, Episode 23. First broadcast on Monday 12 May 1997.

Previously, on Star Trek: Deep Space Nine: Tired of being a supporting character in a thankless role, Michael Eddington leaves DS9 to star heroically in a TV show which we never see and which exists entirely in his own imagination. After most of the cast and crew are killed by Cardassians — which can happen — and he himself is imprisoned for treason, he is recruited by Sisko for one final mission — to stop a deadly attack on Cardassia that is also entirely imaginary. Hero, traitor, or just some asshole with bad hair and a penchant for lavish Broadway musicals? Let’s find out.

Star Trek: The Next Generation, Series 7, Episode 14. First broadcast on Monday 31 January 1994.

This week, Star Trek takes its first ill-judged stab at the Gothic romance genre. Will Beverly fall for her dead grandmother’s lover (sorry), a rangily unattractive anaphasic ghost who encourages her to give up her job and to stand by helplessly while he attacks her friends? Or will she learn a valuable lesson about not dating sociopathic men? (Temporarily and no respectively, it turns out.)

Star Trek: The Next Generation, Series 5, Episode 15. First broadcast on Monday 24 February 1992.

This week, on Untitled Star Trek Project, Joe and Nathan sit down to watch a sentimental sci-fi favourite from their youth, only to discover that it’s really just a police procedural where some of the regular cast get to do funny voices. Still, they get to see Marina menacing people with a gun, so there’s that, I guess.

Star Trek: The Original Series, Series 2, Episode 6. First broadcast on Friday 20 October 1967.

A nameless and unknowable monster which has destroyed whole star systems and wiped out an entire Starfleet crew is now heading towards the most populated part of the galaxy. The only things standing in its way: a dramatic soundtrack, a memorable guest actor, an incredibly confident production, and William Alan Shatner. It doesn’t stand a chance.

Star Trek: The Animated Series, Series 1, Episode 12. First broadcast on Saturday 24 November 1973.

Exhausted from last week’s astonishingly brilliant performance, this week Bill Shatner is literally phoning it in — so bored with Star Trek that he can’t even be bothered to say all five digits of this week’s stardate. Meanwhile, the Enterprise is trapped in a thing, unable to escape until they do another thing. Or something. Whatever.

Star Trek: Picard, Series 2, Episode 3. First broadcast on Thursday 17 March 2022.

This week, Joe and Nathan are on the edge of our seats, wondering what insignificant event will tip the twenty-first century over the edge — turning it from a punishing ordeal into a shrieking hellscape of fascism and climatic disaster. Fortunately we’re able to distract ourselves from all this with a really enjoyable episode of Star Trek: Picard.

Star Trek: Discovery, Series 1, Episode 7. First broadcast on Sunday 29 October 2017.

meanwhile, Michael tries to work through her feelings for the tall and handsome new security officer Lieutenant Ash Tyler. After a catastrophic explosion destroys the ship, Harry Mudd sneaks on board Discovery, kills the captain, and searches for a way to sell the spore drive to the Klingons; meanwhile, Michael tries to work through her feelings for the tall and handsome new security officer Lieutenant Ash Tyler. After a catastrophic explosion destroys the ship, Harry Mudd sneaks on board Discovery, kills the captain, and searches for a way to sell the spore drive to the Klingons;

Star Trek: Voyager, Series 7, Episode 12. First broadcast on Wednesday 24 January 2001.

It’s our first trip to the Delta Quadrant, and we have questions that need answering. Is B’Elanna’s father a massive racist or just a regular-sized racist? Which is more convincing: Tom and B’Elanna’s baby or an 8472 in a well-lit room? And can we maintain focus all the way through a 45-minute episode of Voyager without a single space anomaly?

Star Trek: Strange New Worlds, Series 1, Episode 1. First broadcast on Thursday 5 May 2022.

Space. The final frontier. These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise. It’s five-year mission: To explore Strange New Worlds. To remind us of our love the Original Series. To have a fun adventure every week. To look like nothing else on television. To boldly attempt —  for a world exhausted by impending catastrophes — to be the most authentic expression of Star Trek since the 1960s.

Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, Series 1, Episode 18. First broadcast on Sunday 30 May 1993.

You know how it is: it’s your first spinoff — a cast of delightfully high-concept characters set against a colourful backdrop, with story possibilities around every corner. But then you find yourself limping towards the end of your first season. You’ve done the plague one, the weird alien fugitive one, the buddy comedy one with the CGI shaving cream, and the terrible boardgame one that everyone will have such fond memories of. So what’s left? How about a story where all of your beloved regulars play people no one cares about, embroiled in a conflict that no one has any interest in? We can do that, can’t we?

Star Trek: The Original Series, Series 2, Episode 3. First broadcast on Friday 29 September 1967.

When the Enterprise takes on board an inexplicably touchy and unreasonable box of flashing lights dangling from a fishing line, hilarity ensues. Also, racism.

Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, Series 5, Episode 3. First broadcast on Monday 14 October 1996.

This week, on Star Trek: Deep Space Nine: Quark wants Grilka, Dax wants Worf, Nerys wants Miles, Worf wants Grilka, Miles wants Nerys, Worf wants Dax, Odo wants Nerys (probably), and Julian wants not to know any details about any of this. Meanwhile, Joe wants more of this sort of thing, while Nathan just wants some special effects and reflective surfaces, but will settle for a turbolift that goes up and down without jerking.

Star Trek: Voyager, Series 5, Episode 10. First broadcast on Wednesday 16 December 1998.

This week: a clever script, a complete absence of banter, a frog alien that scores zero on the B’omar Scale, astonishingly good incidental music by Mahler and Tchaikovsky, and two outstanding performances from Mark Harelik and Kate Mulgrew — all working together perfectly to create one of Voyager’s Best Episodes Ever. Enjoy. (You will.)

Star Trek: Discovery, Series 4, Episode 7. First broadcast on Thursday 30 December 2021.

The crew of Discovery and the peoples of the galaxy are both facing the same dilemma this week: the cautious path of wariness or the risky path of connection with a faceless threat? But it’s Star Trek, and so love and bravery prevail. Meanwhile, Book leaves Michael to look after the cat, and Saru bashfully offers a succulent to the President of Ni’Var.

Star Trek: Enterprise, Series 2, Episode 14. First broadcast on Wednesday 5 February 2003.

In this Very Special Episode, we learn a Valuable Lesson about discrimination and bigotry without a single mention of the minority group being discriminated against. In the meantime — by the most amazing coincidence — Trip has an awkward moment when confronted by some nice people who don’t share his sexual ethic. It’s all a bit of a slog, to be honest.

Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, Series 7, Episode 15. First broadcast on Wednesday 24 February 1999.

When the Lounge is taken over by violent mobsters, Vic Fontaine (James Darren) has no choice but to call in his fictional friends from the twenty-fourth century to help him out. A stylish and entertaining heist ensues, the good guys win, and we’re reminded (again) about how much we love these people.

Star Trek: The Next Generation, Series 4, Episode 12. First broadcast on Monday 28 January 1991.

Our Irish lad to the war has gone
On the deck of the Phoenix you’ll find him.
He’s got a song that goes on and on
And a sad backstory behind him.

Marc Alaimo’s here in a silly hat
He’s missed some bits while sha-a-ving.
And Captain Maxwell has shown us that
He’s a dick and he isn’t worth saving.

Star Trek: Strange New Worlds, Series 1, Episode 7. First broadcast on Thursday 16 June 2022.

This week on Strange New Worlds our ongoing mission continues — what if Star Trek but relaxed and visually spectacular? In the meantime, Chris teaches some pirates a thing or two about cooking, Christine teaches Spock a thing or two about relationships, and Jesse James Keitel teaches the whole cast a thing or two about being chill, sexy and fabulously evil.

Star Trek: Discovery, Series 3, Episode 4. First broadcast on Thursday 5 November 2020.

It’s been 1,183 years since Rick Berman left Star Trek, and so it’s time for two new queer characters to join the Discovery family — Trill host Adira Tal and their adorable boyfriend and former host Gray Tal — in an episode all about the importance of connection and belonging.

Star Trek: Lower Decks, Series 1, Episode 5. First broadcast on Thursday 3 September 2020.

It’s another episode of Lower Decks, and amidst all the quick-fire jokes and impressive visuals, we learn Another Valuable Lesson: sure we love treaties, Tellarites, timelines and the exciting new T88 model tricorder, but what we’re really here for is hang time with people we love and the sheer joyous ridiculousness of it all. Live long and prosper, friends!

Star Trek: Voyager, Series 3, Episode 21. First broadcast on Wednesday 9 April 1997.

This week, Joe and Nathan find themselves travelling backwards in time to 1997, when they first watched and enjoyed the Star Trek: Voyager episode Before and After, only to find themselves infected with a deadly [tech], which will be going to have activated some time later (or earlier) when they undergo [tech] therapy in the Doctor’s new [tech] treatment [tech]. Meanwhile, Harry has apparently married a toddler or something, which seems upsetting and highly inappropriate.

Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, Series 1, Episode 11. First broadcast on Sunday 21 March 1993.

Deep Space Nine finds itself unexpectedly in sitcom territory this week, as the Nagus (Wallace Shawn) arrives on the station with a complicated scheme to expose the incompetence of his Large Adult Son Krax (a young Eric Trump in his first television role). Meanwhile, Commander Sisko discovers something delightful and heartwarming about his small teenage son Jake, who unwittingly teaches him a Valuable Lesson about kindness and trust.

Star Trek: The Original Series, Series 2, Episode 1. First broadcast on Friday 15 September 1967.

What thee are about to see comes down from the time of the beginning, without change. This is the Vulcan heart. This is the Vulcan soul. This is our way.

In this Classic Episode of Untitled Star Trek Project, Joe and Nathan find themselves unexpectedly involved in a fight to the death — for the love of a beautiful woman!

Star Trek: Voyager, Series 1, Episode 11. First broadcast on Monday 10 April 1995.

A barely secret conspirator has been selling Federation technology to the Kazon Nistrim in a weird alternative timeline where there are more than seven people on board the ship, where Chakotay has agency and interesting things to do, and where we really feel like we’re stranded tens of thousands of light years from home. Plus, Seska is here!

Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, Series 7, Episodes 1–2. First broadcast on Wednesday 30 September 1998 and Wednesday 7 October 1998.

It’s an epic start to Deep Space Nine’s final season. Miles, Julian and Quark join Worf on a mission to honour Jadzia by blowing up a cartoon shipyard. Ben and Jake meet a (completly adorable) new Dax, drag Brock Peters through the desert for some reason, and then dig up a box. And Kira sits in a tiny spaceship waiting steadfastly for something to come along and resolve her part of the plot. And all the time, Joe and Nathan are cheering from the sidelines, enjoying a solid 90 minutes of getting to know these people again, and watching them set things up for a glorious final year.

Star Trek: Discovery, Series 1, Episode 12. First broadcast on Sunday 21 January 2018.

This week, the crew of Discovery find themselves trapped in the Mirror Universe with nothing much to do except to incrementally advance their individual plot threads. Paul chats to himself and his dead partner, Saru tries to persuade Voq’s girlfriend to help him through an identity crisis, Michael partakes of an extremely upsetting hors d’œuvre, and Lord Ealing goes off somewhere in search of a mop and bucket. Fortunately, Cousin Michelle — Her Most Imperial Majesty, Mother of the Fatherland, Overlord of Vulcan, Dominus of Qo’noS, Regina Andor, Philippa Georgiou Augustus Iaponius Centaurius — is being absolutely as fabulous as she sounds, while Gabriel Lorca becomes the first Starfleet Captain to defibrillate some poor bastard’s head before stomping it into a soft paste. Nathan — if no one else — loves it.

Star Trek: Voyager, Series 7, Episodes 25–26. First broadcast on Wednesday 23 May 2001.

A difference of opinion on Untitled Star Trek Project this week: Joe is cross and disappointed that things ended this way, and Nathan is enjoying the satisfaction that only low expectations can provide. Meanwhile, the crew of the USS Voyager enjoy a long-delayed reunion (in latex), re-examine a costly command decision, and experience an upsetting new heterosexual romance. And then, finally, after all these years, they find their way home.

Star Trek: Enterprise, Series 2, Episode 5. First broadcast on Wednesday 16 October 2002.

Our mission this week — to boldly rehabilitate an unjustly maligned episode of Star Trek: Enterprise. After more than a season of being aggrieved and obnoxious, Jonathan Archer is suddenly confronted by the need to apologise to people, sometimes with his shirt off. Meanwhile, Porthos is a very good boy, even when he’s just a fluffy puppet.

Star Trek: The Next Generation, Series 5, Episode 2. First broadcast on Monday 30 September 1991.

They were victorious. But Enkidu fell to the ground, struck down by the gods. And Gilgamesh wept bitter tears, saying, “He who was my companion, through adventure and hardship, is gone forever.”

Now this is what Star Trek is about — kind, competent people solving a space problem, while learning about the importance of storytelling, connection and understanding. Magnificent.

Star Trek: The Original Series, Series 1, Episode 10. First broadcast on Thursday 10 November 1966.

Tensions are running high this week, as the Enterprise is attacked by a series of regular geometric solids and the bridge crew’s morale starts to crack under the pressure. Is this a ropey and glacially paced moment of disposable 60s TV, or the beginning of something indescribably magical?

Star Trek: Discovery, Series 4, Episode 5. First broadcast on Thursday 16 December 2021.

This week on Star Trek: Discovery: Paul collaborates with the most obnoxious scientist in the Federation, Hugh is counselled by the the most brutal psychologist in Starfleet, and Michael receives emotional support from the most unlikely source on the ship. And a man who committed a terrible crime in his youth is given the chance to somehow, in some small way, make amends.

Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, Series 7, Episode 8. First broadcast on Monday 16 November 1998.

This week, it’s time to ruin everyone’s fun, as Nathan declares that a Deep Space Nine fan favourite is an artistic failure, and compares it unfavourably to Take Me Out to the Holosuite. Is he crazy, or is it the whole damn system that’s crazy?

Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, Series 3, Episode 5. First broadcast on Saturday 24 December 1994.

Stardate 46519.1: Surgically altered to appear Romulan, Marina Sirtis wakes up on board the Romulan Warbird Khazara looking as fabulous as she has ever looked and starts threatening an increasingly cowed Carolyn Seymour. The result — one hell of an enjoyable episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation.

Eighteen months later: Surgically altered to appear Cardassian, Nana Visitor wakes up on Cardassia Prime looking incredibly striking, but her rich backstory, the show’s increasingly involved premise, and her willingness to just go for it as an actor — all of these combine to make one hell of an enjoyable and satisfying episode of Star Trek: Deep Space Nine.

Star Trek: The Original Series, Series 2, Episode 15. First broadcast on Friday 29 December 1967.

In one of the best episodes in Star Trek history, our show learns very early on that it can shoot for ridiculous and hit funny and entertaining. What more can we say? It’s brilliant.

Star Trek: The Next Generation, Series 2, Episode 19. First broadcast on Monday 19 June 1989.

Our writers are on strike this week, and so we’re just going to mark time until we reach the end of this blurb. When an uncomfortably horny Lwaxana Troi beams aboard the Enterprise, a series of events happen, culminating at last in the episode’s closing credits. Mick Fleetwood guest stars as a fish.

Star Trek Movie #7. Release date: 1994

Star Trek: Generations is a Christmas movie, but more than that, it’s the moment when Star Trek: The Next Generation makes its first tentative and ultimately unsuccessful step into the venerable movie franchise. Julian Bashir’s crazy uncle has a horrific plan to get to heaven by killing a bunch of people we don’t see and don’t care about, and can only be stopped by two middle-aged white guys clambering over some gantries or something. Oh, and the Enterprise crashes and the whole crew is killed. Happy holidays, everyone!

Star Trek: Lower Decks, Series 2, Episode 4. First broadcast on Thursday 2 September 2021.

This week, Star Trek: Lower Decks does what it does best: plumbing the depths of the franchise’s weirdest moments to produce something fun, entertaining, and sympathetic to its ideals. Which is why we get to root for some underappreciated and frequently mispronounced alien monsters, and why those two beautiful nerdy men, Boimler and Rutherford, get to save the day not with violence, but with a PowerPoint presentation and some maths.

Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, Series 4, Episode 3. First broadcast on Monday 9 October 1995.

It’s life, Jake. You can miss it if you don’t open your eyes.

Star Trek takes a break from space nonsense to remind us what grief is like: lonely, lifelong and bleak. The price we pay for love.

Star Trek: Enterprise, Series 4, Episodes 20–21. First broadcast on Friday 6 May 2005 and Friday 13 May 2005.

Enterprise is reaching the end of the long road that brought them from there to here, and before we say a final goodbye, we’ve just got enough time to foil a charmless racist demagogue who wants to destroy our future — a future based on co-operation, openmindedness and mutual respect. It’s just like the present day, really, only the good guys win. Oh, and Trip gets to punch a racist in the face.

Star Trek: Voyager, Series 3, Episode 18. First broadcast on Wednesday 19 February 1997.

Flushed with the success of its previous attempt at Gothic Horror, Star Trek gamely tackles the genre again, as the Doctor’s experiments with the parameters of his program inevitably lead to a high-concept holographic version of The Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde, with all of the creepiness towards women that that implies. Aggressively mediocre.

Star Trek: Enterprise, Series 1, Episode 4. First broadcast on Wednesday 10 October 2001.

After the crew of Enterprise decide to ignore the advice of their only competent crewmember, they find themselves on a very routine away mission on a very unremarkable planet, exhibiting behaviour that would embarass the most racist of your racist uncles. Turns out that at the end of the day, it hasn’t been such a long road getting from there to here.

Star Trek: Lower Decks, Series 3, Episode 2. First broadcast on Thursday 1 September 2022.

A game of Bat’leths & BiHnuchs takes a surprising turn, as Mariner and Boimler make some very important decisions: Mariner is going to be less insubordinate, while Boimler is going to boldly take opportunities he has never taken before. But soon Mariner finds herself ignoring Ransom’s orders and plummeting from an orbital platform to save her crewmates, while Boimler plays some springball, joins a Bajoran dirge choir, models nude for a figure painting class, and is finally hunted through the ship by a monster for sport. And we all learn a valuable lesson, except Boimler, who learns a stupid one.

Star Trek: The Next Generation, Series 1, Episode 8. First broadcast on Monday 9 November 1987.

Together at last for the first time, Joe and Nathan find themselves on Planet of the Horny but Unattractive White People, faced with a moral dilemmma that wouldn’t challenge a slow-witted five-year-old. Ah, we have fun, don’t we?

Star Trek: Strange New Worlds, Series 1, Episode 8. First broadcast on Thursday 23 June 2022.

A long time ago in a land far, far away, a beneficent king called Alex ruled over the kingdom of Trek, deciding which provinces would prosper and what each province would be known for. And so it came to pass that in the Province of Strange New Worlds, fun and entertainment would hold sway, and that from time to time even a heartwarming ending would be welcomed. And they all lived happily ever after, even the ones who had died.

(Warning, some spoilers here for Picard Series 3.)

Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, Series 1, Episode 15. First broadcast on Sunday 9 May 1993.

This week, Kira moves a few steps forward on her long and problematic journey from terrorist to bureaucrat as she struggles with a decision to evict Brian Keith from a hastily re-dressed Standard Cave Set 1. In the meantime, Jake and Nog do some adorable capitalism, foreshadowing just how much we’re going to grow to love them by the end of the show.

Star Trek: Voyager, Series 3, Episode 26 / Series 4, Episode 1. First broadcast on Wednesday 21 May 1997 and Wednesday 3 September 1997.

As Voyager approaches the end of its third year, it’s time for its very own version of The Best of Both Worlds. And here it is, complete with a massive encounter with the Borg, clouds of débris, a terrifying new enemy, dissension among the commanding officers, and the unveiling of an entirely new kind of human—Borg hybrid. But because it’s Voyager, there’s also people doing things for no reason and a central conflict disposed of in an unsatisfying way. But (again) because it’s Voyager, there’s some great weird visuals, a cool new holodeck program, and yet another arresting performance from the Queen of Star Trek, Her Royal Highness, Captain Kathryn Janeway.