The Problem Was Me (Thomas Gagliano)

Addiction and Intimacy: The Missing Link | The Problem Was Me with Tom Gagliano: Break the cycle of negative thinking leading to addiction, infidelity, & self-sabotage

90% of addicts begin their addiction before the age of. This presentation will reaffirm that without healthy emotional connection in childhood, the individual will trust addiction as their coping mechanism instead of trusting people.

In this podcast we will discuss seven key parenting skills designed to enhance self- awareness. Strengthening self- awareness will help bring the best of ourselves to parenting to help raise healthy, strong, confident children and grand children. Understanding which area of our parenting skills is strong and which areas need attention. The listener will be given poll questions to rate himself or herself in each area.

Childhood messages will be discussed in great detail.

• Is the child viewing the world the way we think they are?
• How do we know for sure?
• What are the handed down messages we are giving our children that we may not be fully aware of?

This podcast will also discuss the messages the child gets from society, peers, and the media as well. How do all these messages impact the child’s thinking and emotional state?

Who did you want to throw the turkey at this Thanksgiving. I’m going to talk about the holidays and the unneeded stress we put upon ourselves when we go back to our family of origin. We play roles in our adult life that were created by the messages we received in childhood. What inner voice is commanding us to play these roles and why do we listen? For instance: How many of your listener’s play the role of:

• PEOPLE PLEASER – Do you say yes to family and friends because saying no is too painful? Learn why it’s so difficult for so many people to say no. In my book I discuss the ways to silence the inner voice that is responsible for this.
• CARETAKER -   Do you carry the burden of the family’s problems on your shoulders because it’s your role to take care of everything and everyone? What inner voice makes you feel so guilty when asking for help?
• PERFECTIONIST – Are you allowed to make mistakes in front of your family? God forbid the family sees you stumble at times. When you made a mistake did you identify yourself as a mistake? In my book I explain the ways to silence your oppressive bully and give yourself the   compassion you deserve.
• DEFIANT ROLE –Do you always have to be right with family members even if it pushes them away? Learn how to choose your battles, relinquish the need to be right and choose closeness instead.
• INVISIBLE ROLE- When you return home do you to lose your voice and disappear with family members. Learn how to find your voice with others, win back your rights to share your feelings, and allow yourself to be heard by others.

Addiction: Problem, the Solution, and How to Work the Solution | The Problem Was Me with Tom Gagliano: Break the cycle of negative thinking leading to addiction, infidelity, & self-sabotage.

The Super Bowl is one of the most exciting events of the year in our country. Unfortunately, many lives will be destroyed by gambling excessive amounts of money and this will have devastating consequences. A gambling addiction, or any addiction, is so powerful that the addict forgets the pain it causes themselves, and those they love. The addiction feels like a form of oxygen to the addict where they emotionally feel they can’t find happiness without it. Gambling becomes their coping mechanism to deal with the discomforts of life. This podcast will address why some can control there gambling and others destroy their life by gambling uncontrollably. We will discuss what creates all addiction, as well as the solution to not only stopping the addiction but also ‘staying stopped’. It’s difficult to understand any addictive disorder. It’s like putting together a jigsaw puzzle and it’s not easy to see how the pieces fit. In this podcast I will clearly demonstrate how each piece fits by discussing the Problem, the Solution, and how to work the Solution.

Watch: https://www.transformationtalkradio.com/watch.html

Tom Gagliano MSW

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 Thomas Gagliano is a successful entrepreneur and is also a high profile leader in addiction and self-help therapy. He has helped develop unique methods and procedures which have helped numerous institutions and individuals in the greater New York area. Having been featured as a key note speaker at a number of meetings and conferences, Tom has become a regular on the speaking circuit. With a Master's Degree in Social Work from Rutgers University Tom is now a Life Coach and Author. Along his path to a better life, he has had opportunities to share his experiences and insights with people from all walks of life. Some would share Tom's healing methods with their therapists, many of whom would ask to meet him and encouraged him to put his techniques in book form. The result is The Problem Was Me, which has brought those same methods to a broader base.

It’s difficult for some of to believe in a loving higher power whether we call this a higher calling , higher self, or God. We live in a world that has anger, resentment contempt so it’s easy to ask why would a loving high power allow this to happen. So much of our trust in a higher power can be attributed to the trust we learned to have or not have for others in our childhood, especially when religion was involved. In this podcast I will share my story and the story of others who have had this same struggle. I have clients who are religious yet their children act very defiant against their religion when they reach teens and adulthood. In this podcast we will discuss childhood messages , their impact on religion, and the difference between spirituality and religion.

Join Tom as he is interviewed by Robb Thompson of Lifestyle 360 Podcast. Tom has worn many hats throughout his career. As a young man, he soon became a successful entrepreneur with a proven track record in small business ventures in the greater New York area. Tom has also been a high profile leader in addiction and self-help therapy. He helped develop unique methods and procedures which have helped numerous institutions and individuals with anxiety and addiction issues.

In This Episode:

• Why our society today is riddled with anxiety and depression
• How communication has this led to distorted values and cultivated an anxiety-ridden society
• What we can do to escape perfectionism and the feelings of sadness and inferiority
• How social media has played a part in contributing to this increasing problem
• What we can do as parents, mentors and leaders to help future generations combat the outside messages

This podcast will explain why addiction becomes an intimacy substitute to some people. We will discuss what egocentricity and fragmentation is and why they are the true causes of addiction. The podcast will also explain why addicts push away love and help when family and friends offer it. The podcast will help educate the co-addict in learning the difference between loving the addict to health and enabling them to stay in their addiction.

This podcast will demonstrate the need for fellowship and structure, through group dynamics, as the key to not only stopping the addiction but to stay sober throughout the addicts life.  

The impact childhood messages have, verbal and non- verbal, in determining the reason why addicts chose addiction will be explained and discussed in detail.

We will discuss the ways to create healthy boundaries in our lives, in the work place, as well as with our significant other, friends, parents, and children. We will discuss why it is importnat to understand the difference between selfishness and self-care when setting boundaries. This difference can be confusing if you come from a childhood that didn't model healthy boundaries between the caregivers in our own childhood. We will also discuss how to process uncomfortable feelings with others when boundaries are initially put into place. Learning that uncomfortable conversation, if communicated properly, will create a healthier environment for ourselves and those around us.

Watch https://www.transformationtalkradio.com/watch.html 

The podcast will discuss the similarities and differences between sex addiction and other addictions. Through out all of my podcast, childhood messages will be discussed as the key ingredient towards healthy adulthood. In addiction, neurons that are fused together in childhood will stay together in adulthood, and acted out with various addictions. The podcast will explain the steps needed for the addict to heal and the reason why sex addiction, namely pornography, is and will continue to be the most powerful addiction we have today. This podcast will demonstrate how both addictions have similar underlying qualities, but also provide the difference in the healing process for sex addiction. Due to the stigma of sex addiction, both in and out of twelve step rooms, the shame and understanding of ‘triggers’ must be handled in a different manner than other addictions.

This podcast discusses how childhood messages shape a person’s life. These messages lead people to play certain roles in adult life.  The first step is to identify which role one plays in order to grow as a person. The ‘People Pleaser’ and ‘Caretaker’ role will be outlined in this podcast. The challenges associated with these roles, as well as ways to overcome these challenges will be discussed. Individuals who are people pleasers may find it difficult to say no to others because their inner voice says they’re bad people if they do. Additionally, people pleasers try to be nice under any circumstances. Letting go of the pain associated with saying no to loved ones can be difficult. Caretakers are similar to people pleasers. However, the ‘Caretaker’ feels a need to take care of everything, whether it pleases others or not. Caretakers find it difficult to let go of the feeling that if they aren’t in control, then something will go wrong. Ask yourself, are you playing a role you were set up to play? If so, ways to change this will be detailed in the podcast.

In this day and age it is seemingly impossible to shelter our children from the constant influx of information from the media. Influences from the television, magazines, newspapers, social media and the internet are so ubiquitous, even the most vigilant parent may not be able to completely shield their child from disturbing, adult-appropriate news. So how do parents talk to their kids about frightening or troublesome issues they’ve been exposed to?

• How to talk to your kids about drugs
• How to talk to your kids about sex
• How to talk to your kids about terrorism
• How to talk to your kids about politics
• How to talk to your kids about transgender issues
• How to talk to your kids about prejudice
• How to talk to your kids about divorce.

Yes, chocolates are great, and so is jewelry, but the real thing women and men crave is intimacy. Unfortunately, many of us are so afraid of intimacy they we sabotage our happiness by subconsciously pushing our partners away. Not because we want to but because we don’t know how too. This podcast will discuss the ways we can give them emotional intimacy and at the same time find unexpected rewards in return. Help your partner in those areas in their life where they don’t expect help. The key is to do it without expecting anything in return. Although, it will very likely help you get lucky in the areas you desire.

Thomas Gagliano, The Relationship Expert, introduces himself and shares his own vulnerable experiences on how childhood messages impact every part of our lives, to the intimacy we have or don’t have, our parenting skills, even the careers we choose.

I believe that experience and expertise go hand in hand. My experience in overcoming my own issues, revealed the process for self- improvement.

As a child I turned to bullying as an outlet; and as an adult, towards addiction. I sabotaged the intimate relationships in my life. I then realized I had to fix the damage within me in order to fix the damage I caused in my relationships. 

About ten years ago, I left the world of business and had two goals. One was to give my children the positive messages that were denied to me in my own childhood and the other was to help others who suffered as I had from negative childhood messages. My experience is teaching a methodology which has helped many individuals, couples and parents build healthier relationships with themselves and each other.

The holidays are a great time of year for many of us but the holidays can create a great deal of stress as well. Who did you want to throw the turkey at this Thanksgiving. Let's discuss the holidays and the unneeded stress we put upon ourselves when we go back to our family of origin. We play roles in our adult life that were created by the messages we received in childhood. What inner voice is commanding us to play these roles and why do we listen?

Watch https://www.transformationtalkradio.com/watch.html 

This podcast will highlight what a person should learn from an unsuccessful relationship in order to achieve an enduring one in the future. It is important to take this opportunity to self-reflect and learn lessons from past behaviors and actions in order improve oneself. This podcast will outline what areas to self-reflect on in order to progress. It also highlights the importance of setting boundaries. This is a vital component of a relationship. Setting boundaries can be very difficult to do, but this podcast will discuss when and how to do this. Learning how to set boundaries will only benefit the person when he or she enters their next relationship.

Relationships will work if you both work them. If the conversations your having isn’t bringing you the results you desire, then change the conversation. Do you want to seat in the victim seat, which can be comfortable, yet unhealthy ,while doing the blame game. Instead, jump into the responsibility seat, which can be risky, challenging, but healthy. One of the secrets to enhancing your relationship may be having uncomfortable conversations. If we wait until we feel like having these conversations, then we may never have them. Listen to this podcast to learn how codependency, trying to control the conversation, and trying to only be right all the time will only sabotage the emotional intimacy you crave. Learn why we avoid uncomfortable conversations. As well as developing techniques that can allow your feelings to be validated as well as acknowledging your partners feelings as well.

Men have grown up with childhood messages, society messages, and peer messages that dictate what it takes to be a healthy male. Courage is defined by being tough, not revealing your true feelings, handling problems without complaining. The secret is many men feel it is courageous to share their feelings, express their needs, but they are afraid to admit this because this goes against Traditional masculinity. In this podcast we will discuss the work I do in my male groups, the insights they’ve gained and why it is so important to discuss and process our feelings rather than act out our feelings with destructive entitlements.

As school begins so does bullying. 60% of middle school students say that they are bullied in school; with the majority of victims being female. 160,000 students stay home from school every day due to bulling. Having been tied to elevated instances of depression, trouble with the law, substance abuse, and even suicide; bullying is a tremendous problem amongst today’s youth.

Parenting and relationship expert Thomas Gagliano has played the role of both victim and bully, so he can authentically offer a unique perspective on what makes a bully, who constitutes a victim, and what role the bystanders play in a bullying scenario.

This podcast discusses the creation of healthy boundaries in our lives. It will outline why creating boundaries may be difficult for some, how to create healthy boundaries, and the ways to stick to the boundaries we set. We will discuss boundaries in the work place, as well as with our significant other, friends, parents, and children. This podcast will also discuss internal boundaries, which are what we say or don’t say to others, as well as external boundaries, which is the way we protect our loved ones and ourselves. We will discuss why it is important to understand the difference between selfishness and self- care when setting boundaries. This difference can be confusing if you come from a childhood that didn’t model healthy boundaries between the caregivers in our own childhood. We will also discuss how to process uncomfortable feelings with others when boundaries are initially put into place.

This podcast will discuss why we live in a society riddled with anxiety. Today’s youth have received confusing messages, which has led to distorted values and cultivated an anxiety-ridden society. Social media and advertisements are more powerful than ever in deciding the way our children should behave, dress, and act. Many individuals compare themselves to the filtered, “picture-perfect” photos that they see on social media, which can lead to feelings of sadness or inferiority. They have also consciously or subconsciously been enslaved by the number of likes or followers they have on Instagram and Facebook.

In this podcast we will discuss the ways to get through a painful divorce or breakup. When should you start to date again? What does the grieving period feel like when you end a relationship? What did you learn from a failed relationship if you want your new one to last?  Remember, if we don’t look at ourselves honestly we will find the same personality traits we chose before. The definition of insanity is,  “doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results”. Building awareness, with the help of a trusting support group, can help you find the right person. Supportive people can help you see what you may not be able to see for yourself.

We will discuss the things you should and shouldn’t say to a friend who is going through a breakup. In this podcast we will also address some of the biggest mistakes parents can make when going through a divorce or breakup, regarding how they handle their children.

Through self- awareness and positive actions this podcast will provide the listener with tools to help them battle through their anxiety and depression on a day-to-day basis. We will then discuss the ways their loved ones can also help those they love gain victory over their fight against anxiety and depression. We all hurt when those we love suffer. Its important to understand which actions can help nurse those we love to health and which actions, even with the best of intentions, can actually fuel the problem.

In this podcast we will discuss seven ways to enhance emotional intimacy and closeness with our significant other. Poll questions will be used to rate the areas of strength and what areas need improvement. We will discuss what childhood messages are we carrying into our adult relationships, what version of intimacy did we witness that may be sabotaging our adult happiness.

This approach begins with strengthening the most important relationship we have, the one we have with ourselves. We are the common denominator in all our relationships. The key ingredient to a happy life starts with the relationship you have with yourself. The keys to healing and growth are building self- awareness so we can choose healthier actions and maintaining those actions on a consistent basis. Without awareness we don’t know what actions to take and without healthy actions there is nothing to maintain.

Remember if you work on your relationship it will work as long as there is commitment by both parties. This podcast will provide the tools needed for this to happen but the willingness needs to come from the listener.

Cheating comes in different shapes and sizes—from emotional affairs to adultery. And now, more and more instances of inappropriate online relationships are surfacing. Digital infidelity is when we use digital products, computers, phones, wristwatches or televisions where we are viewing, listening or writing about sexual innuendo that should only be shared with our significant other. It is betrayal, only its betrayal using digital products. This comes in the form of pornography, sexting, texting, chat rooms etc. Usually, they are kept secret from our significant other and shameful in nature. This podcast will discuss .How can you tell if Your Partner is doing It? What are some examples/signs to pay attention to?

This podcast will discuss the truth concerning co-dependency. Co-dependency can be debilitating and affect everyday choices. Thus, it is crucial to determine where it stems from by reflecting on one’s past. The person will gain a clearer understanding of what it is and how it affects aspects of their life.  This podcast will then discuss ways one can combat it. By highlighting its origins, how it affects one’s life, and how to stop its power, one can eventually break the chains from living with co-dependency.

What are the characteristics of a narcissist? How does the narcissist destroy their partner’s self-worth without them knowing it. What personalities do the narcissist attract? How do narcissist eventually separate their partner from family and friends. What is gas lighting? How and why does a narcissists gaslight those closest to them? Why do they do this to those they love. What is the bill the partner pays, short term and long term, if they stay in a narcissistic relationship. Why is it so important to create healthy boundaries, consequences, and support groups to survive or end a narcissistic relationship?

Watch https://www.transformationtalkradio.com/watch.html 

Sometimes a relationship needs a devastation to create a miracle. Some relationships were never meant to be so ending the relationship is the only solution. In most instances, the relationship was destined to fail due to fears of intimacy, poor communication techniques, lack of boundaries , all created by childhood messages which are acted out in destructive ways in adulthood. When there is betrayal in a relationship, it takes a great deal of work to build back trust with the partner. It takes two kind of willingness by both partners. The willingness to get help, followed by the willingness to take direction. Before anything else happens, the infidelity must stop. If this occurs, with the proper guidance, the couple will come to realize the infidelity was not the problem but the symptom created by a destructive relational schema. These schemas must be addressed and changed for true intimacy to occur.

The positive piece in working thru the pain of betrayal and infidelity is that many times the couple finds greater intimacy then they ever thought possible. This work takes open-mindedness and courage. If they are willing to do the work, the rewards will be well worth it. Join me in this podcast to discuss this healing process.

Campus bullying and Hazing has reached epidemic levels and is of major concern to Students, parents, and faculty. What are the key components concerning Hazing? How does supposedly innocent fun turn into devastating outcomes? What are the ingredients that create this scenario? We know that one ingredient is anger; all of us have some anger inside. Another ingredient seems to be alcohol since 90 percent of hazing accidents involve alcohol. If you put the first two ingredients together the result is a destructive entitlement. This is where the participants give themselves permission to act in ways regardless of the harm it causes themselves or others. We know we can pay a devastating price for hazing but what are the goals. What are the participants looking to get back from these actions and are they getting back what they expect.

The college student trusts that the group will not harm them moving blindly, ignoring their own values and beliefs because hazing is connected to traditions and no one questions traditions. They trust the leader will keep them safe, an assumption that can have devastating results. The student has no hazing experience so there is no reference as to the dangers ahead. They are told that the fraternity comes before the individual, a powerful and dangerous message. 

We will also discuss bringing awareness to the student as to the PAYOFF as well as helping the student think about whether they are receiving what they thought they were getting. This podcast will discuss the creation of student support group to monitor and to help each other to take safer actions as well as reporting hazardous hazing. How can parents, faculty and police govern hazing actions so that there is less chance of disastrous results.

We are not responsible for our childhood wounds but we are responsible to heal them or at least manage them if we are to find happiness in  our lives.

The release of the documentary, Leaving Neverland, has triggered an important conversation regarding sexual abuse. Including Oprah Winfrey stating, “Stop staring into the sun and do what is necessary to heal our children and heal ourselves.” This documentary awakened feelings in my own journey in recovery. In this podcast I will not give an opinion on whether or not Michael Jackson did the things he is accused of. Rather, this podcast will discuss the steps I’ve taken and the ways I’ve helped others manage and heal their childhood traumas.

We are not responsible for our childhood wounds or abuses but we are responsible for healing or at least learning how to manage our wounds in order to find peace in our lives. It takes tremendous courage to look under those unswept corners of our lives, but unless we do we may be committing suicide by installments never allowing the love of others to enter into our world. I have a Masters Degree in Social Work and a best selling author but what you’ll hear in this podcast is the way I learned to manage my own demons, to finally find peace in my life,  and to help others do the same.

Healing is an ongoing process of self-determination and self-discipline. While the rewards are not always immediate, beautiful gifts await if you are patient and can take direction. Not until we stop denying our own past and begin sharing our wounds, will we allow ourselves to be loved by other people.

The common problems we face are from unhealed childhood wounds that have remained buried and eventually come back to haunt us. Only when we permit the window into our past to be opened, exposing the core of our adult difficulties, can we begin the healing process.

Sometimes we act in ways that do not always make sense as we hurt ourselves and others. We feel compelled to listen to the destructive inner voice in our head. Making sense of our actions is like figuring out a jigsaw puzzle.  The first step is to seek help in order to understand what is broken inside.

As we increase self-awareness we can better understand the choices we need to take to better our lives. If we maintain these actions we then develop healthy habits, which will bring healthy boundaries and intimacy into our lives.  All of these ingredients need to become a WE process instead of a ME process. This means we need the help of others as we walk through this journey together.

Unfortunately, many men and even women are so afraid of intimacy they sabotage their own happiness by subconsciously pushing their partner away.

This approach begins with strengthening the most important relationship we have, the one we have with ourselves. We are the common denominator in all our relationships. The keys to healing and growth is building self- awareness so we can choose healthier actions with our partner and ourselves. Remember if we work on our relationship it will work as long as there is this commitment by both parties. This podcast will provide the tools and a blue print to make this happen. The willingness to take this direction has to come from you the listener.

Watch https://www.transformationtalkradio.com/watch.html 

There is no such thing as a perfect relationship and conflict is inevitable. This podcast will discuss why attending counseling before a major disagreement occurs is very beneficial for a couple. It outlines how a third party can add clarity and serve as a guiding light in a relationship. The podcast will also discuss topics that a relationship expert should address in order to provide the couple with tools to use when conflict occurs. It will also offer strategies on how to communicate with your partner in a healthy way. It highlights key components of a relationship that should be addressed in order to prepare the couple on ways to effectively communicate when a disagreement occurs.

"Is Your Subconscious Fear Causing You To Fail, Even Before You Try?" It happens this time every year. Many of us start the New Year with willingness, but seem to lose the zest within a few weeks or months. We set resolutions yet very few see them through, only 8 percent. Will this be yet another year where you make and then break your Resolutions? The truth is, if you make a New Year's Resolution again this year, you're setting yourself up for failure. It's not because you are a failure, it's simply because you're not addressing the real problem which is early childhood messages which connects to our adult fears and false pride. Until you do something different, you're going to get the same results, year after year. But don't beat yourself up, you're definitely not alone, let's work through this process together. Tom Gagliano MSW https://www.thomasgagliano.com https://www.facebook.com/TheProblemWasMe https://www.facebook.com/thomasgagliano https://www.instagram.com/theproblemwasme https://www.youtube.com/@ThomasGagliano https://twitter.com/@thomasgagliano https://www.theproblemwasme.com

This podcast explains what a narcissist is and will answer the following questions. How is a narcissist different from someone with a lot of self-confidence? What is gas lighting and how and why does a narcissist gaslight those closest to them? Why do they do this to those they love?  Do they really love them or is it all about manipulation? How does a codependent partner work well for a narcissist? What is the bill the partner pays, short term and long term, if they stay in a narcissistic relationship? How does a narcissist make you feel that you are the problem in the relationship? Why is it so important to create healthy boundaries, consequences, and support groups to survive or end a narcissistic relationship?  

This podcast is not about criticizing anyone’s parents. Rather its important to build enough awareness to know which messages we received in our childhood that have helped us in our lives and recognize which messages need to be challenged in order to enhance our happiness. By building self- awareness we can then look at those upswept corners of our lives through clearer lenses. This, in turn, will help us identify and understand our strengths and weaknesses in all our relationships. Especially the most important relationship we have, which is the one we have with ourselves. As we learn to manage any and all intrusive messages in childhood we can then stop these messages from guiding our behaviors. This podcast will provide the tools needed to stay to do this as well supplying the ways to stay on track.