What effect do the holidays have on the mental load for women?

The holidays are often some of the most stressful time of year, financially, emotionally and physically for many families. Creating the holiday magic often falls to the already full plate of the mom, so what can we do to have a hot-mess-less holiday season? Angies hot take covers:

• Caring for your spouse during the holiday season so it can be magical for them too
• Creating a joint budget
• Shopping together
• How to teach your kids to consider others this time of year and
• How to let go of what doesn't serve you this holiday season

What is the dad privilege?

The dad privilege, maternal gatekeeping and the mental load.

What is dad privilege?

The internet says: it’s when dads are treated like heroes and get praised for doing the same shit that moms do every fucking day. Dads get praised for just showing up. “Aw, you planned dinners for the whole week!” “Aw, you brought your kids to the birthday party!” “Aw, you gave the baby a bath!” -_-

We also say: it’s the ability to just do things in their lives without considering the bigger family picture/schedule: work late, go out for a beer after a long day, coming home from work (where you didn’t pick up the kids) and going straight to your room to “decompress”. Sleeping in when you didn’t get a lot of sleep that night. Putting yourself on bedrest with no questions asked when you’re sick. 

Basically the bar for dads is so low, don’t be a piece of shit, but for moms, it’s really high

What is maternal gatekeeping?

A mother’s belief about how much and whether or not a father should be involved in their kids’ lives. Basically it’s how we micromanage our spouses and how we try to create “perfection” within the household. 

This happens regardless of relationship status and comes into play when children come into the picture. Why? Women are taught that “mother knows best” so we seek validation through our way being “the right way”

“Mothers might have a difficult time giving up responsibility for care of the family, might want to validate their role as mothers and be recognized for the sacrifices they make for their families, or might view the father as inept or even a danger to his children. This latter view might be based either on actual evidence, the father’s past behaviors, or her personal perceptions of him and his failures as a man and father.

Furthermore, she might protect her child purely as a function of the child’s age. If the child is not old enough to verbalize his or her own needs and desires, she might feel qualified to make decisions and judgments for that child, thus becoming the monitor, supervisor, permission grantor, and controller of all others’ involvement with the child— including the father’s.”

This belief causes her to behave in ways that can include:

• What she says about the father in front of or directly to their child.
• Whether and how often she includes and updates dad on their child’s health, schooling, athletic, religious, and social life, and
• The extent to which she tells dad that she knows what is best for their child and the correct way to do things—while dad doesn’t.

We are taught from a young age our worth and value comes from the home we keep and the children we raise. Moms have “more at stake” in the product (child) than dads since their value isn’t as closely related to the children themselves.

In what ways do we gatekeep in our relationships?

Do moms create or perpetuate the dad privilege? 

This behavior cuts our husbands off at the knees. Even if they want to participate, they don’t because - who wants to be micromanaged or judged?

Aside from tapping out, what happens with our husbands in our relationships?

What are our husband’s reactions?

• Learned Helplessness

How do we change?

• Vulnerability?
• Aim for peace not perfection
• When we delegate, set expectations upfront and then let it be - don’t micromanage
• Involve dads more when kids are babies - let them find their stride
• Remind ourselves that there is more than one right way
• Explain the why behind some of our “requirements” so our husbands understand what we’re trying to accomplish and why it’s important.

What is one...

What transferrable skills does managing the mental load give moms?

Today we’re discussing some of the valuable skill sets you get as a mom from balancing the mental load. I think we all feel stuck sometimes and focus a lot on the drain that the mental load causes and a while back, I listened to a podcast that was focused on skills that are unique to moms in the workplace because of motherhood and it felt like this awesome little pick me up, so I thought today’s topic would be a sweet little follow up and pep talk to why it’s hard to talk about the mental load to also look at some of the ways we can use it to our advantage. So that’s not to say that things shouldn’t change; they definitely should, but if you’re a mom who’s feeling stuck, looking to change jobs or just move in a new direction in life, our hope is that this episode makes you feel badass and see how you can apply some of the things you’re learning from being a mother to your goals and dreams in your own life. 

Anticipation = risk analysis and trade off

1. What is a risk assessment and how do you conduct one?
2. According to UCLA: "In operations, financial reporting and compliance, risks need to be identified and analyzed. Assessing risk enables you better achieve your group's goals by helping you determine how pitfalls should be managed. Managers must determine the level of operations, financial and compliance risk they are willing to assume. Assessing risk enables managers to proactively reduce unwanted surprises.
3. What questions do you ask  yourself when you conduct a risk assessment? These are direct from UCLA’s website. Do they sound familiar?
4. What could go wrong?
5. How could we fail?
6. What must go right for us to succeed?
7. Where are we vulnerable?
8. How could someone disrupt our operations?
9. On what information do we most rely?
10. On what do we spend the most money?

After risks have been identified, an analysis should be performed to set priorities:

• Assess the likelihood (or frequency) of the risk occurring.
• Estimate the potential impact if the risk were to occur. Consider both quantitative and qualitative costs.
• Determine how the risk should be managed; decide what actions are necessary.

Prioritizing helps departments focus their attention on managing significant risks such as risks with reasonable likelihoods of occurrence and large potential impacts."

Finding solutions = creativity

Making decisions = empathetic, creating buy in

According to Mural

1. "Build a compelling case - To do this, you should make sure that you’ve carefully identified the problem you’re looking to solve (remember: it’s not always so obvious!), understand your success criteria, and have gathered supporting data so you can test your idea.
2. Understand your audience - know how involved they are and how to tailor your message
3. Make it collaborative - engage your stakeholders, co-create solutions, solicit feedback
4. Anticipate and overcome resistance - offer compromises and build consensus"

Monitoring = self awareness

1. Forces you to be introspective
2. Helps you balance what was in vs out of your control
3. Is this the trickiest one for toxic positivity because we end up blaming ourselves too much?

Please rate, review, subscribe or share with a friend if you've enjoyed this podcast.

Thoughts you want to share? Email us at: thementalloadpodcast@gmail.com

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Advice to fix the mental load

How women can lighten the mental load

Welcome, Melissa Bloom, energy coach!

The most popular question we get is "how do I fix the imbalance? how do I get rid of or at least lighten the mental load?"

It's a challenging issue because it has so many different facets to it. Enter, Melissa. As an energy coach, Melissa works with all kinds of clients to find balance and feel joy in their lives. The mental load, as we all know, takes a heavy toll on women personally and professionally.

Here's her practical advice for solving the mental load:

• Know what's important to you and align your daily/weekly activities to support what's important
• Curate your environment
• Be intentional about creating space for yourself (this is NOT about self care!)
• Start your day by creating a morning ritual
• Have conversations that focus on what your family wants to feel rather than starting with a to-do list

Buy Melissa's book

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What are we teaching young boys and young girls about the mental load?

What do our kids learn from watching their moms carry the mental load?

One goal of this podcast is to break a generational cycle. 

What are we worried our sons are learning when we bear the mental load?

"A popular squabble in my household stems from the fact that I bear the bulk of the mental load. My spouse—who’s a very involved and participatory partner—is still the guy that will make a plan to go to the playground with our kid, but won’t always remember to pack the sunscreen or a snack. (He’s working on it!)

If I go, I’ve packed for every potential scenario. This anecdote isn’t meant to shame him; it’s more meant to illuminate a distinction about the way we—and most of my generation—were raised. Women were taught to take on invisible labor; men were not."

How did we get to a point where girls and women are being encouraged to break barriers, but our sons and men aren't supporting the infrastructure needed to change?

In the 80’s & 90’s girls were taught we could “do anything” (it was an ad campaign!). But the message for boys did not change during this time. So while we were being taught to break barriers and think in new ways outside of traditional gender roles, young boys were not being taught to consider how their roles might have to change.

Boys witnessed both parents going to work, but the questions like “where is my…” “what’s for dinner” “When are we doing…” were still answered by mom.

Likewise, girls learn the behaviors that perpetuate the cycle. This also sets a framework for how future relationships look like. 

We want to raise strong girls capable of self advocating. And we want to raise boys who can help bear the mental load in future relationships.

How can we change what young boys and girls learn about the mental load?

1. Husbands can learn and model anticipating so our boys mimic them
2. Non-gendered chores - don’t give boys the “once in a while” chores while your girls get the daily ones (anecdote about “husband lessons” from Sam and how I see Hudson getting frustrated by the mental load of the dishwasher)
3. Teach them planning/anticipating and monitoring - if they feed the dog, they need to be responsible for writing down dog food on the grocery list when it’s needed. Or bringing their laundry to the laundry room if they’re old enough to see they’re running low. 
4. Pay both genders equally for chores
5. Create clear expectations and consequences (no video games until your socks are picked up) 

Feedback? Email Angie at: ang9130@gmail.com

Why women still carry the mental load when it comes to our children's healthcare.

In this episode, we break down why women still carry a majority of the mental load when it comes to our kids and their medical records.

• Because of the way American structures its paid leave for women postpartum, they disproportionately take their children to health care appointments - both well checks and sick visits.
• Families report mothers are usually the parent who takes time off when children need to stay home sick.
• Gender roles play a part in why women tend to know more about their kids' medical histories.

Despite the overwhelming evidence that when dads participate in their children's health care, children have a more positive life outcome.

"There is scientific evidence that shows father involvement in a child’s healthcare, it has a positive influence on health outcomes for the child.

1. Wysocki and Gavin (2006) found that for children with chronic health conditions, such as asthma or type 1 diabetes, greater direct paternal involvement in disease management was associated with greater treatment adherence and overall quality of life.
2. Levy-Shiff et al. (1990) reported that more frequent visits by fathers to the hospital to see their preterm infants fostered higher infant weight gain, and were associated with more positive subsequent father-infant interactions and better child social development and adaptation.

Not only is there a benefit to the child’s health outcomes but studies also show increased father-child bonding."

What can we do about this?

• Encourage dads to download and check their pediatrician's medical app
• Allow dads to own appointments/conditions from start to finish
• Decrease maternal gatekeeping
• Start a shared medical history document/note

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How does this affect mom's careers?

• Those who are able to put in more time, more travel, be available at all kinds of hours, etc. are more likely to get the big clients, the promotions, the career awards.
• But it’s not just about the time or physical availability; the mental load also affects mom’s careers because it makes it harder to focus and do deep work.

 “When a man expects his partner to ask him to do things, he’s viewing her as the manager of household chores. The problem is that planning and organizing things is already a full-time job. When we ask women to take on this task of organization and at the same time to execute a large portion, in the end it represents 75% of the work.”

Why do moms end up with so much of the mental load, even in couples that value equality?

•  It’s not just a “mom problem” and it’s not just a “couple problem” [can’t be solved simply by having moms get more organized or dads pitch in more]
• Part of the problem is with the way work is structured, especially in the US.
• If work is too demanding in terms of time/availability/travel/etc., it can make it hard for both parents to have these types of jobs. But greedy jobs tend to pay a lot, so what often happens is that one parent leans into a higher paying job and the other parent downshifts their career to be the “on-call/default parent.”
• Being the “default parent” à taking on more of the mental load of managing the household

What can we do about it? 

• Societal level: [how do we make work-life more tenable for parents (and especially moms) without just making “mommy track jobs”?]
• Make work less greedy (this has been done in fields like pharmacy, veterinarians, etc.)
• Increase flexibility and support across the board; make working conditions better for everyone (this can also be good for business too)
• Make life less hard for parents (better and more affordable childcare options, more mental health resources for kids and teens, etc.)   
• Couple level: dads can take on more of the mental load
• What can moms do? We don’t want to just wait around for society or our partners to change. What are some things that we can do now to make our work life and family life better or more sustainable?
• How can we focus and do deep work even when carrying the mental load?
• Dealing with the guilt
• Dealing with the mental distraction
• Mindset shifts (how do we square our ambitions with our practical realities?)
• Work-life conflict à work-life enrichment (Yael Schonbrun)
• The paradox of limitation (Oliver Burkeman)
• Slow productivity (Cal Newport)

What should men be thinking about as they’re raising modern families that can better support the deep work or change the ratio of greedy work?

Women are more likely to handle tasks that are time sensitive and occur frequently. When the average man does help around the house, he tends to take on more of the less frequent tasks, which are not as time sensitive and more easily outsourced, such as finances and yard work. 

What can/should companies do to shift this dynamic?

What shifts in perspective do we as a society need to make in order to stop holding women back?

• Half of women in UK fear equality is going back to 1970s – survey | International Women's Day | The Guardian
• How Thinking Of Everything Holds Mums Back
• Lightening the Mental Load that Holds Women

How does gender programming affect the mental load?

All of this to say that women are taught from an early age that our worth and value comes from the house we keep and the kids we raise. Dads are taught that their job is done as soon as they’ve provided shelter and money for the family. 

What this looks like in Women: 

• Programmed to think self worth comes from the house we keep and the kids we raise
• Are taught to be the caretakers (therefore we prioritize this within our do to list)
• Nice vs Kind: Being nice is when you are polite to people and treat people well. Being kind is when you care about people and show you care.
• "Being Nice" means we avoid confrontation and is dishonest. Kind would be honest but often uncomfortable
• Confrontation in relationships feels like it could be the end rather than an opportunity to understand more or accept differences
• Nice leads to guilt over having our own needs
• We police our own behavior:
• Tone of voice (harshest for women of color who battle the “angry black woman” trope in all areas of life)
• If we ask for something, say at work, we risk being labeled “aggressive”
• Nice is transactional but “kind” positions us as worthy to give and receive kindness
• Our time and work is seen as less valuable than when men can contribute - both at home and in the office. 

Women are often seen as multi-taskers that it’s part of their personality

if being a “multi-tasker” was a personality trait, we would see it spread across genders. But as it stands, women are the ones being assigned with this label.

What programming looks like in men:

Men are programmed to believe their worth comes from providing for the family. Once those jobs are complete, they deserve to be cared for. Men are raised to be:

• Breadwinners
• Protectors
• Hold jobs that are more highly valued
• Disconnected - emotions are weaknesses

But,

• Women are seen as “right” when it comes to the safety of the (shared) children

In a study, young men supported gender equality in theory. But many held on to traditional ideas about gender roles. They saw men as “breadwinners” or “protectors” and women as “carers” and felt that societal attitudes hadn’t changed dramatically.

One of the ways we reinforce gendered behavior is by focusing on economics. If one partner earns more money than the other, we tell ourselves that the partner who earns less or works fewer hours has more time for household work. Each week, according to Pew, mothers spend nearly twice as long as fathers doing unpaid domestic work. 

Men are simply not taught to look at the things that we look at because remember the mental load is largely anticipating and monitoring the outcomes, the shit end of the process to do and that’s how gender programming contributes to the mental load. 

when women say they're solely charged with handling their child's well-being, including being attentive to their emotions and relationships, it can lead to lower satisfaction with their partner and their life, as well as feelings of emptiness. That included whether the women felt unconditionally loved and accepted as well as how they viewed intimacy with their partners. Even when taking such variables into account, Luthar found that being solely responsible for a child's emotional development was negatively related to women's well-being and satisfaction with their relationship.

Stereotypical expectations about what constitutes women’s and men’s work are not simply the outmoded relics of past generations. Research shows they persist even among

Advice on how to change the mental load from a marriage therapist.

The effect the mental load has on marriages and how to have the conversation with your spouse.

It's (one) of the episodes you all have been waiting for. How do you have the mental load conversation with your spouse and create meaningful change?

Licensed therapist, Kristen Sanchez, takes us through the process of:

• having the conversation
• examining your own contributions
• approaching your partner
• creating lasting change
• the impact of the mental load on relationships

Join us for this impactful conversation with an unexpected solution to solving the mental load.

Merch

Vision Board

Changing the mental load

Helping moms understand and balance the mental load of raising kids

Do you ever feel like you want to scream because you do all the stuff and things related to running your household and raising kid and yet nobody seems to notice how hard you work?

We do.

We're Angie and Katlynn. Two millennial moms brought together by our spitfire daughters.

We're here to explore why the mental load exists, what keeps it in place and how we can change it to create a better, more supportive society for moms and families in America.

Join us every other week starting in May for maternal mental health month for new episodes.

The mental load of meal planning.

Why families struggle with meals and how it creates invisible labor for women.

Meal planning, it's a bitch, right? In this week's hot take, Angie, discusses how her family of six has tackled meal planning. And, if we do say so ourselves, it's kinda genius.

Instead of meticulously planning out each meal and the ingredients or making everything on the weekend to simply reheat on the weeknights, they've picked a theme for each night, so the guess work is less and the kids know what to expect.

Maternity Leave and the mental load

Maternity Leave isn't a vacation. In fact, it's where the mental load really starts and becomes one-sided.

Today we discuss how Employee Resource Groups can help support and lighten the load for not just moms, but all caregivers, joined by Sarah Reeves.

Sarah is a girl mom to Ella 8, Norah 5, Husband Aaron of 13 years. She's the Director of Product Management at one of the largest internet companies to date. After her first child, she co-founded a global employee resource group for parents that evolved to include caregivers of all kinds. Sarah loves to swear, especially during passionate discussions.

What is the issue? 

Modern parenting expectations set women up even before the birth to carry the majority of the mental load. And that load continues to avalanche in from pregnancy into maternity leave.

• Gaps in community/village support
• Twisted perceptions (mat leave is a vacation) and the additional pressures put on parents
• Internalized expectations, maternal gate-keeping, martyrdom 
• Why you can’t comparing maternity leave to vacation
• Your body is restoring itself after a traumatic event, not recovering after cocktails on the beach.
• This is prime time for cocooning, not for indulging your social butterfly side at the cruise ship dinner buffet.
• You don’t need an alarm clock because the baby is the alarm clock, not because you’re going to actually sleep in.
• A new family member means added mental load, not a break from your to-do list.
• You need real capacity to deal with the unexpected, and I don’t just mean flight delays into Aruba.

What are the effects?

• Men who take paternity leave are less likely to get divorced, and a Swedish study found that when fathers were offered up to 30 days of flexible leave while their partners were on maternity leave, their spouses are less likely to be on anti-anxiety medication in the postpartum period.
• Relationship Equity - Women whose partners take on an equal share of the MENTAL load have higher libidos
• Low female sexual desire affects more than 50% of women and is difficult to treat.
• Study findings suggest low desire is not a problem, an internal problem for women to resolve solo; effort needed from both partners.
• Need more than just the physical load - where wife/mom = project manager
• Homosexual partners handle relationship equity better on average
• Childcare deserts - women are disproportionately impacted: 23-75% of families across the US report having a struggle finding childcare. Disproportionately affecting communities of color and rural and urban areas impacted more so than suburban families.  States with fewer ‘childcare deserts’ see less women in the workforce.
• We just went off our childcare cliff with expiration of federal funding started during the pandemic to aid families in the cost of childcare. The average family spends 27% of their income on childcare, DHHS says for it to be considered “affordable” it shouldn’t exceed 7%. Over 3 million children are at risk of losing childcare because of this with a projected $10.6 billion in...

Why men have the perception that women have standards that are "too high" and how it contributes to the mental load.

We've all been in the situation before where we ask our husbands to do something. It seems easy and obvious: "can you clean the kitchen after dinner, please?" We leave and come home to find the kitchen is still mostly a mess. Sure, the food was put away, but there's still dirty pans and utensils everywhere and the counters are sticky. It's not actually clean. And when you point this out your partner resorts to "You just have such high standards! Nothing I do is ever good enough for you!"

This week we’re talking about the difference in expectations around household chores and the mental load that creates.

In a 2007 pew research poll, 62% of adults said that shared chores were key to a successful marriage. Coming in third behind faithfulness and good sex. 

What we often find though is that there’s this dynamic of “your expectations are so much higher than mine for chores” and that’s the excuse for why things done get done start to finish. 

It’s easier to diminish a women’s experience by saying her standards are “too high” than to accept change needs to happen on the other side. 

Topics include:

• What are chores really a reflection of?
• What does messiness mean for each gender?
• How do we agree on basic standards?

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Preparing for maternity leave and the start of the mental load.

Career coach to help moms navigate a career and children.

Women deal with a lot of emotions and roadblocks going into and coming back from maternity leave. How do we better prepare ourselves, our workplaces and our partners so the mental load at home and at work isn’t as bad? We had a great episode a couple weeks ago with Sarah Reeves about how to help shape the workplace into one that is more supportive for caregivers, so today’s conversation I think is going to be a nice follow-up to how to prepare yourself for the changes that come with becoming a mother and taking on more of the mental load both at home and in the office.

Today's guest is Lauren Gordon. Lauren is a dual-certified life and career coach for working moms, and a former senior leader in human resources at a global financial services company. She specializes in helping working moms fully enjoy life with a career and children, without trading happiness for a paycheck.

Lauren runs her own coaching practice where she works one-on-one with working moms who are navigating a wide range of personal and professional challenges. Lauren's areas of expertise include helping women to overcome feelings of stress, guilt, and overwhelm; ending imposter syndrome by growing their self-confidence; addressing people-pleasing and perfectionistic tendencies; navigating career decisions; and more.

 Lauren lives in a suburb of Philadelphia, Pennsylvania with her husband, Eli, and their three young daughters, ages 7, 5, and 3. When Lauren isn't coaching and teaching working moms, you can find her taking Peloton classes, reading, and continually trying to improve her cooking skills to keep up with the other members of her monthly cookbook club.

Visit www.laurengordon.com to learn more about how to work with Lauren, and follow her on Instagram @workingmomcoach for tips you can begin applying to your life today.

The mental load isn’t just something that shows up at home, it’s also something that creeps in to our work lives. In the workplace, women spend more time on “non-promotable tasks” than men, which is unpaid work related to social or administrative “office housekeeping.” These types of activities are vital to maintaining company culture and strengthening team connections, but are not valued as strategic — and therefore come with little to no recognition, appreciation, reward, or career advantage.

In this episode, we explore:

• Where the mental load started for us
• What emotions women are facing personally and professionally going into maternity leave
• What the mental load looks like professionally
• How we can better prepare women for maternity leave
• How the mental load perpetuates the stereotype that women are distracted or somehow not as good at their jobs after they have kids
• How men prepare for maternity leave and how it looks different than women
• How to prepare to return from maternity leave

Mentioned in this episode:

Joy School Affiliate Link

https://thepathtojoy.thrivecart.com/melissa-blooms-joy-school/partner/

"Just ask for help" when it comes to the mental load.

Don't be a nag - why women are held to a double standard in the household.

In this hot take, Katlynn discusses why women are held to a double standard; being told to ask for help to alleviate the mental load, while being called a nag when they ask if something's gotten done.

Men often get a pass to forget; they have a safety net of their partners who remember everything and know how to communicate the details and logistics of all aspects of the house. Often, they get to say "I forgot" or "I got sidetracked" when it comes to managing household labor. But women aren't afforded the same luxury.

The reality is that our reminders come from lessons learned that it could be the last minute when we find out that you "forgot" or "got sidetracked" and didn't get something critical or important done. So our reminders are our safety net. And we pay the price by being called a nag.

For the men out there, if you think your wife is a nag, try asking yourself if you've been consistent. If she can trust that at the 11th hour, she won't find out that you forgot to do something important. If you haven't been consistent, she's not a nag. You're inconsistent.

When husbands pass chores off to their kids it creates more mental load for women.

In today's hot take, Katlynn discusses why passing the buck on chores might seem helpful and like husband's are teaching kids a lesson, but it really just keeps the mental load in place.

More and more, men are realizing and becoming aware of the need to lighten the mental load in their households. Especially when it comes to daily chores and tasks. A new trend we've noticed emerging however, is that, when men are asked to do a task or chore, instead of taking it on, they re-delegate or pass the buck, to their kids.

Here's how it plays out:

Husband: deep fries chicken for dinner (yum!)

Wife: can you clean up the grease off the stove before bed?

Husband to oldest child: go clean up the stove for your mom

Mom: has to supervise cleaning of grease

The problem with re-delegating chores to kids is twofold:

1. It sends the message to kids that they can get out of doing household labor by simply passing off the work to someone in the house with less authority than them.
2. It doesn't actually eliminate the mental load - it forces women to re-acquire the mental load by either having to supervise or teach a new skill instead of focusing on what they originally set out to do by asking for their husbands to take on the task.

Passing the buck doesn't help the mental load, it creates more or at the very least, keeps it in place.

The mental load and mother's day

For men: Why moms care so much about Mother's Day

Join Katlynn from the Mental Load Podcast in this Mother's Day hot take.

Attention dads! Mother's Day for moms isn't necessarily about how big you celebrate it. It really comes down to being recognized for work that we feel is usually ignored.

The holiday's usually fall into the mental load category because there's invisible labor that goes into planning them:

- coordinating

- planning the logistics

- buying the gifts

The thing about the mental load is that it often breeds resentment because it's invisible. Mothers feel unrecognized, under-appreciated and undervalued. When the dads out there present us with last minute, not so thoughtful gifts, wait for us to tell them what to do, or put it on us to plan, they're essentially validating all the negative thoughts we have around the mental load.

Dads, Mother's Day is your time to step it up and own the process from start to finish. Don't promise her a "day off" where you half-ass or don't do the chores so she's behind when she wakes up Monday morning. Don't put the planning on her. Take the time to recognize her and while you're at it, take the time to plan the logistics if you celebrate your own mom. Don't assume your wife will coordinate and shop for gifts on your behalf. Your mom wants to feel appreciated and recognized by you. The mental load here is for you to own.

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The mental load and weaponized incompetence.

In this hot take, Katlynn discusses what weaponized incompetence looks like after women have been gone for a short or extended period of time from their homes.

When we leave our home whether to travel for work or for time away for a little bit of self care, it's unfair to come home to a messy house and kids that are completely off schedule.

Why is it that when we're out of town our husbands get to parent like they're in survival mode? But when we're home alone for anything length of time, we're failures if we aren't maintaining the standards.

Here's they hypothesis: women know they will be judged on the state of their house and parenting when they have to do it solo whereas men don't know they have the privilege of being free from that judgement.

Is it nature or nurture? Probably a bit of both when it comes to housekeeping. Men weren't raised to care about it and they may also come from households where that wasn't the vibe or priority. But, the thing is, if your partner has expressed how much they need the household to be maintained in order to move smoothly throughout their day and you simply choose not to do it? That's weaponized incompetence. As adults we are all capable of learning; we do it all the time in our jobs, so by you opting out of learning how to support your partner, that's a clear sign of opting out of supporting them.

What is the mental load like in LGBTQ+ households?

Today, Dr. Jazmin Richter joins us to talk through their experience redistributing the mental load as a queer couple in preparation for kids.

In this episode we do a deep dive in to how partners can be more supportive to each other, change language around the mental load, and better align their values to create a more equal distribution of labor.

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Advice on how to change the mental load from a marriage therapist.

The effect the mental load has on marriages and how to have the conversation with your spouse.

It's (one) of the episodes you all have been waiting for. How do you have the mental load conversation with your spouse and create meaningful change?

Licensed therapist, Kristen Sanchez, takes us through the process of:

• having the conversation
• examining your own contributions
• approaching your partner
• creating lasting change
• the impact of the mental load on relationships

Join us for this impactful conversation with an unexpected solution to solving the mental load.

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What is the impact of the mental load on women's careers?

Invisible labor for women at work

How did we get here?

The mental load has been a generational issue but it didn't become obvious to everyone until Covid where women suddenly found themselves working from home, parenting 24/7 and teaching their children. While men picked up more duties around the house, it was not enough to radically shift the load around; the invisible labor still stayed with women.

What’s going on? Women are expected to:

• Anticipate - not just the need but also everyone’s feelings around it
• Identify - what solutions are available (men usually help)
• Decide - which solution is best (men usually help)
• Monitor - again with the feelings. Is it working? Is everyone happy?

Women disproportionately are responsible for the “anticipate” and “monitor” phases. 

Once on the agenda, couples decide together, but the shit work is happening before and after.

At home, we've got the sticky floor and professionally, we have the glass ceiling.

Women are generally viewed as distracted once they have families and are promoted less, therefore earning less over their lifetime.

Early promotions in a career are most critical to success,3 and yet for the past eight years, McKinsey research has consistently shown that women lose ground in the step up to manager. According to data from our research conducted for the Women in the Workplace 2021 report, women hold only 34 percent of entry-level engineering and product roles and just 26 percent of first-level manager positions, compared with 48 percent of entry-level roles and 41 percent of first-level manager positions in the pipeline overall.

Common reason women step off leadership track: the mental load

Does the mental load affect your ability to focus and “climb the ladder”?

Revelations we’ve had about “climbing the ladder” - is it overrated?

Perception of the workload at home:

Men say its equal but usually take on less time sensitive and more easily outsourced even when they work part time or not at all compared to their spouses

The ambition gap - are women really less ambitious than men?

findings show clearly that women start their careers with just as much  ambition as men.1  Women’s ambition levels do vary, but they vary by company, not by family status.

In other words, the problem is neither inherent nor related to motherhood; instead, it hinges on the day-to-day experiences of women at work. Ambition is not a fixed attribute but is nurtured—or damaged—by the daily interactions, conversations, and opportunities that women face over time.

Having children does not make women less ambitious. Ambition is influenced by company culture.

The wage gap - Women have stalled economically

Is a woman’s well-being outside of work non of a company’s concern?

Work from home vs working in an office - does one support women better?

What are some solutions for companies to lighten the load?

1. Provide equitable access to training, projects, and other resources to accelerate skill building for women in technical roles

2. Implement a structured approach to early promotions 

3. Connect early-tenure women with capable managers, mentors, and sponsors

Change the informal context. A person’s experience at work consists of countless small interactions, and the leadership environment at many companies can feel like a familiar set of masculine tropes.

Make and relentlessly promote structural changes such as flexible...

The Mental Load and Prepping to go out of Town

This week's hot take is about the mental load and prepping to go out of town. Those who carry the mental load can't simply pack their suitcase, give a few minor instructions and leave town. When you carry the mental load, in order to leave town you have to download your inherent knowledge and bring your partner up to speed on everything that needs to happen such as:

• school schedules/summer camp schedules
• appointments
• extracurricular activities

For men, it's often not the same. They get to pack their suitcase and leave without a worry. This is the epitome of the mental load: needing to document details that only you know but are critical to your family functions because there is no safety net.

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How do countries outside America support families and therefore lighten the mental load?

What do nordic countries do to support families:

• Baby boxes with important newborn items to set families up for success
• Paid parental leave 
• In Norway, parental leave is paid at full pay for the first 44 weeks or at 80% if parents opt to take 54 weeks. To encourage both parents to play their part, fathers must take at least six weeks' parental leave or risk the family losing payments for the same period.
• Free universal childcare from 18 mo - 7 years
• Capped childcare costs
• Strong gender equality in the workforce:
• Gender quotas legislate for a 40% female presence in the country’s parliament and on business boards, resulting in a strong female presence – Norway’s prime minister, minister of finance and minister of foreign affairs are all female, while women make up 41% of the C-suite.

What happened to America?

"Ronald Reagan: by 1980 the Moral Majority, the main Evangelical lobby, had almost half a million members (Diamond 174).2 These new activists had three priorities, and they were directly related to the sexual revolution of the 1960s and the issue of women’s rights: the denunciation of homosexuality, the fight against abortion (which was famously declared constitutional by the Supreme Court with its Roe v. Wade decision in 1973), and the rejection of the ERA (the Equal Rights Amendment) (Martin 162-166, 193-194). In the late 1970s, Ronald Reagan quickly understood the incredible electoral potential of the Christian Right."

These policies all hold women back economically by making childcare unaffordable (which means we have to puzzle piece it together).

Once covid hit, moms were spending five hours a day more on chores than men

Hit women of color especially hard bc there are stricter gender norms

When we’re faced with this onslaught of policies that harm more than they help, we decide to leave the workforce. 

The nation loses a major economic factor:

• Household earnings therefore spending go down
• Companies lose more workers and therefore innovation

Why don’t we view it as economically beneficial to support families?

America’s lack of family support rests on a false assumption: that providing help discourages parents from taking responsibility for their children.

And while other wealthy countries spend an average of $14,000each year per child on early-childhood care, the U.S. spends a miserly $500. Underlying each of these bleak truths appears to be the same, misguided belief: that government support for parents is at odds with parents being responsible for their kids.

Helping parents is not the same as parenting, and support does not replace real-life parents.

Why do we think tough love is good for families as policy?

• Treating parenting with punitive punishment

What are the good things to come from supporting families and why should we care?

We know that in countries with greater gender inequality just closing the gap in women’s labor force participation could increase economic output by an average of 35 percent. 

• New Mexico used $77 million in American Rescue Plan Act dollars to create the Competitive Pay for Professionals (CPP) program to fund $3/hour pay increases for an estimated 16,000 child care staff.37
•  Iowa used $30 million to provide $1,000 and $2,000...

Why do millennial moms expect so much more from their husbands when it comes balancing the mental load?

This week Angie and Katlynn debrief their episode with their boomer moms about the mental load. The two biggest takeaways from moms week were:

1. They didn't have the language to talk about the mental load like millennial women
2. They accepted and were ok with the way things were

Which makes us wonder: where did we get the audacity?

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When men judge women for the mental load and how we choose to handle it.

In this hot take, Katlynn discusses why sometimes as mothers, we might feel judged by our partners for the way we parent in certain situations/at certain times. But the reality is, that sometimes this is a result of the massive weight of the mental load and our parenting choice at that moment is an effort to lighten that load.

Shorter episodes and weekly hot takes are coming later this fall!

The Mental Load will drop new season every summer and winter. This gives Angie and Katlynn time to research and create quality content during the off-season.

Thanks to everyone who's supported us so far on this journey, we're excited to bring you some amazing guests and conversations soon.

The Mental Load: Why saying "Just ask for Help" is wrong

On this hot take, Katlynn discusses why men in relationships should not say "you just need to ask for help".

This makes women feel:

• undervalued
• unappreciated
• taken for granted

The reality is that you chose to do this life together, so saying that she just needs to ask for help makes the mental load her problem, indicates that the things she thinks about are her job only and let's her know you don't think of them as mutual chores to share.

Millennial women are getting divorced at higher rates and the reason is because of the mental load. The reality is women are not attracted to men we have to mother.

We’re taught when we’re looking for relationships to look for someone we can take of. But that shit doesn’t change once you get married.

Today we're joined by Felicia Kashevaroff. Owner of Tend Task and a divorced mom. We dive in deep to what it's like balancing the mental load as a single mom and how the mental load contributes to divorce. Plus, what she's doing to help change that.

We ask:

• What was the division of labor like before divorce?
• Post divorce?
• What was your mindset as the idea of divorce started to take hold?
• What other ways did the mental load impact your relationship?
• Was there recognition after the fact about what could’ve gone differently?
• How would you change the situation, if anything?

Connect with Felicia:

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Email us: angie9130@gmail.com

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How do kids' chores impact the mental load for women?

In this full-length episode, we discuss various ways that getting kids to pitch in and do chores around the house, when managed differently between partners, can create more mental load for mothers. That's right, we’re talking about kids, chores and cooperative cleaning. AKA: getting your children to work together to clean or tidy up.

There’s a lot of reasons chores are good for kids:

• Learning time management skills
• Developing organizational skills
• Accepting responsibility in the family
• Providing an opportunity for success (especially for a child struggling in other ways)
• Learning to balance work and play from a young age
• Setting a good foundation for functioning independently

Doing chores helps children learn about what they need to do to care for themselves, a home and a family.

Ways getting kids to chores becomes part of the mental load:

• Emotional labor of avoiding meltdowns
• Managing kids’ desire for things to be “fair”
• Tension between older and younger children
• Tension between kids and parents
• Teaching independence
• Teaching initiative

Ways to help change this:

• Connect and then ask
• Say: “This is fun game! I love how everyone’s involved and I know you don’t want to stop… next up it’s dinner. And I need your help to get ready…. Who wants to put the knives and forks on the table and who wants to help me get the plates out?”
• Comment on what you see
• Kids don’t see messes the same way we see them and being able to take initiative is part of hte mental load, so helping them learn how to see by saying “i see puzzle pieces that need to get put back in their box and trash that needs to go into the trashcan” helps them learn. It also helps them to start to anticipate the needs around them.
• Help them
• Avoid the emotional labor of a meltdown by making them feel like you’re on their team
• Create visual clues
• Help them understand and work independently to create a standard of clean everyone’s happy with
• Divide chores equally among genders

How to immediately lighten the mental load

In this week's hot take, Katlynn discusses how to identify when you're overwhelmed by the mental load and how to immediately get relief.

Bodily cues can tell us we're at our limit:

• Tightening in your chest/feeling anxious
• Short temper
• Having brain fog

Other cues from our brain might be:

• Feeling like you're taking in too much information
• Not enjoying your normal activities
• Feeling disconnected or conversely overstimulated

When you need to get immediate relief try the sound of silence. Eliminate any extra noise you don't need in your day from activities where it's reasonable.

• Turn off the TV in the background
• Stop listening to podcasts on your walk (even ours)
• Turn the radio off in your car

Eliminating extra noise helps lighten the mental load by giving you space to just sit still and be quiet. Go outside and get some sunshine on your face and be quiet. It does wonders!

How our partner's anger impacts the mental load for women and affects our kids

What is the issue? 

We are part of a generation that wasn’t raised to think about kids’ feelings. Our parents didn’t ignore us, but they also weren’t as keyed in on emotional and social well-being as we are today. A big part of the mental load is that we’re the emotional backstop for everyone in the family and when both parents aren’t parenting from a place of emotional well being, it creates a disconnect that creates tension and another layer of the mental load: us managing our husband’s reactions to our style of parenting.

What are the main emotional issues you feel like show up at your house?

• Feeling like as women we’ve made the transition to thinking of our kids as humans with emotional intelligence and feelings but not having partners that do the same
• So difficult to drag our husbands along; straddling two sides of the same fence
• Feels like a difference in parenting styles

How does this show up?

• Kids not having a way to talk through situations - being viewed as argumentative/disrespectful
• Taking the “i’m talking you’re listening approach”
• “Just do what I say”
• Yelling a lot

Psychological effects of being yelled at; 

https://mantracare.org/therapy/issues/psychological-effects-of-being-yelled-at/#:~:text=Being%20yelled%20at%20may%20cause,be%20verbally%20abusive%20to%20others.

The body releases cortisol and adrenaline into your bloodstream

• You have more difficulty thinking: Your brain’s amygdala is triggered
• You might feel bad if someone yells at you: It feels like they are attacking your sense of self
• Also, you may feel depressed, anxious, or develop panic attacks: The effects of being yelled at can have a negative impact on your mental health
• You might withdraw from others and isolate yourself: A way to cope with the emotional pain you are feeling
• Some people express their feelings through anger: Which can lead to them being verbally abusive to others.

This article provides insight into how yelling can affect children psychologically. Yelling at a child may make them feel like they are not good enough and that there is something wrong with them. This could lead to negative self-esteem, low self-worth, and depression later in life.

Yelling at a child often leads their brain’s amygdala to be triggered. This can make kids feel bad and have panic attacks or depression.

Impacts sense of trust

How does this show up in our households?

Parenting Styles: Too permissive vs. Too aggressive

How does having these two different parenting philosophies affect the mental load?

• Creates another layer of emotional regulation for each person in the house
• Also creates another layer of planning for how to address it with your partner
• Anticipation
• Overplanning
• Overstimulation for everyone

How does this relate to the mental load? When we have different parenting styles, we spend a lot of headspace thinking about and planning for how to navigate it.

What does this all come down to? Creating a parenting style that works for both of you. 

Why didn’t anyone tell us to have these conversations when we were dating/engaged?

How can we fix this? 

1. Validate our kids’...

How routines help the mental load

In our house, there's two versions of the mental load argument. Version 1 was "you just need to ask for help" now we're on to what I like to call 2.0 of the argument: "we just need a better routine".

This statement sounds more progressive. It's action-oriented and inclusive. I said "we!". But here's the thing, routines aren't the entire solution. They don't absolve your partner from being an equal participant in whatever task needs to get done that you're currently handling alone.

A routine isn't going to magically make your kids behave or stop meltdowns that make it difficult to get shit done by yourself.

If I'm the only one who's currently handling a task while my partner is scrolling through his phone or watching TV, and you tell me "we just need a better routine" what I hear is: "you just need a better routine." But, we don't need a better routine. We have one. You need to participate in it more. Be the other half of the "we" in this life we chose to create together.

Join two millennial moms and their boomer mothers to discuss the mental load.

This week Katlynn and Angie host their moms and mother-in-laws to discuss the mental load and get perspective from a different generation.

We have our moms here because we thought it’d be a fun way for people to get to know us but also because as we’ve discussed so often on the podcast, the mental load is gendered, it’s generational and there are so many social standards that keep it in place so we think it’s going to be fun to hear what our moms thought about the mental load raising us and what their thoughts are on it now that they’ve got adult children and grandchildren.

Together we discuss:

• What our moms knew about the mental load or how much they thought about it as they were mothering. Bringing us to one of the most shocking realizations that we discuss in the next episode.
• What they talked about with their friends about the mental load
• The biggest differences between millennials raising kids and their generation when they raised kids
• How they divided and thought about work amongst their kids
• What their expectations for their husbands were
• What they'd change if they could parent again

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Sacrificing your sanity and being overwhelmed by the mental load at dinner isn't required.

Be earth conscious, but don't feel guilty when you have to use paper plates to lighten the mental load every once and a while.

As a family of six, the mental load around dinner and chores related to dinner is never ending. And with summer approaching we'll be running the dishwasher multiple times a day. And while it's important to take care of our earth and we pride ourselves on being an earth-conscious family sometimes you just need to use paper plates and plastic silverware to save your sanity.

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The mental load of daily responsibilities outweighs occasional maintenance chores.

In this week's hot take, Katlynn discusses how, when men and women are raised differently, it creates a large gap in how they view household responsibilities.

Men often say things like "I don't have to help with the dishes on a daily basis, because I handle the car maintenance". Which would be the equivalent of women saying "I don't have to help with the dishes on a daily basis because I plan birthday parties."

While things like house maintenance and car maintenance are large and necessary responsibilities, they do not excuse you from the day to day responsibilities of running a household and the mental load and invisible labor associated with a family.

As partners we have a responsibility to lighten the load for our partners when we know they've got an additional duty or responsibility to take care of. But it must go both ways. It should not be that women look for ways to lighten the load for their partners when they're doing more than normal while also taking on more than their fair share without recognition or the same reciprocation.

We don't want to ask for help with the mental load.

Something about saying "can you help me with..." or "thanks for helping me with..." just grates on me. Most likely because it implies that I own the entire task and my partner only has to think about it and participate if asked, directed and given specific instructions.

Sometimes when I'm at my breaking point and feeling frustrated about how much of the mental load I carry, I don't want to ask for help and I need a small way to help me get past feeling frustrated by it. At least enough that I can have a conversation and not an argument around the task at hand.

I'm a believer in small language changes helping shift your broader mindset. Recently Zach Watson (Recovering Man Child) made a reel about is saying "thank you for unloading the groceries" or "thank you for filling out that form".

When I say "help me", inside I'm hoping my husband picks up on the cue that doing this more often would benefit. me and be a big help, lighten my load and therefore he should do it more often. That message is never received. Instead, being direct in the ask and swapping out "helping" for the actual verb changes the tone from a desperate ask to a form of gratitude. And gratitude is more likely to be noticed and repeated. It also helps shift you out of negative energy and closer to a space where you can articulate your needs.

How the mental load takes over women's lives

How not to lose yourself in motherhood

"I resent the fact that you (dads) get to maintain your individuality, while I do not."

The Mental Load often takes over women's lives leaving us feeling unfulfilled and like we lost ourselves in motherhood. It's a form of identity theft that nobody warns us about.

When you become a mom, everyone starts to view you as "{insert kid's name} mom" while dads don't become {insert kid's name} dad". Men get to retain their individuality while women are taught to only look at the positive of motherhood. That kids are a gift and you should feel blessed...all the time. And nobody prepares us for this identity theft that happens immediately. We're swallowed into motherhood and suddenly find ourselves lacking time and energy for anything but mothering. Which leaves us struggling to feel like we haven't lost ourselves.

In today's episode, Angie and Katlynn explore why, when we take on the mental load, it feels like we lose ourselves because:

• We have less time to think of and anticipate my own needs so I feel blindsided by them (KP)
• We have no time to think freely or do something that feels luxurious
• There's no more time to do my own personal hobbies
• Others assuming that our only role and source of satisfaction is our children
• We start feeling guilty that I have this huge privilege of raising kids but harboring this “secret” that we want more out of life than just being a mom

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reach us at: thementalloadpodcast@gmail.com

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Motherly's State of Motherhood and the Mental Load

Join us and special guest, Kate Anderson, Chief of Staff at Motherly to discuss their annual State of Motherhood report. The largest body of research regarding motherhood and issues impacting families.

Kate Anderson is a leader in generating change and gender equality within the startup space.

As a Chief of Staff at Motherly, a wellbeing destination empowering mothers to thrive with expert content, innovative product solutions, and supportive community. Motherly engages an audience of 40 million+ readers and viewers a month, with on-demand parent education classes, Webby-award winning videos, The Motherly Podcast, essays, and articles, and a highly-engaged social media community.

As co-founder and VP of Operations of IFundWomen, she has driven millions of dollars into the hands of female founders. IFundWomen's flexible crowdfunding platform combines a pay-it-forward model, expert startup coaching, professional video production, and a private community for its entrepreneurs, all with the goal of helping female entrepreneurs launch successful businesses.

Prior to launching IFundWomen, Kate spent four years at Hines Interests, one of the largest and most respected real estate organizations in the world with more than $116 billion under management.

Kate earned her BA from Colgate University and received a Masters of Professional Studies from Georgetown University.

Nearly 10,000 mothers completed our sixth annual survey, conducted from Feb. 26 to March 13, 2023. To ensure our results represent today’s mothers accurately, we weighted the data to align with US Census demographic data. Our report focuses on the findings from millennial and Gen Z mothers, but we also provide some insights from Gen X mothers who participated in the survey. Findings continue to validate that today’s mothers are parenting without adequate structural support.

Findings of the survey:

• 1. The Great Resignation continues for mothers 
• 2. Self-care looks different as moms prioritize sleep over sex and friends 
• 3. Household and family responsibilities fall more on mothers than during the height of the pandemic 
• 4. Mental health is mom’s biggest worry 
• 5. 8 in 10 mothers worry about a recession and are making preemptive cuts

The Great Resignation for Moms:

• SAHM has nearly doubled from 15% in 2022 to 25% in 2023
• The message is clear: to return to work, families need flexible work schedules and affordable childcare

Current events contradicting that:

• Return to office movement
• Childcare cliff we just went over as of 9/30

Discussion: It’s almost like we need a motherhood union. The great resignation reminds me of when unions first started and workers went on strike...

Telling moms to practice self-care is not an answer to the mental load.

What is the issue? 

Telling moms to practice more self-care is a bullshit cop out. 

Self care is defined as the ability to care for oneself through awareness, self-control, and self-reliance in order to achieve, maintain, or promote optimal health and well-being.

The term “self-care” actually has roots in the civil rights and women’s rights movements of the 1960s and ’70s. (There’s a frequently shared quote by Black American writer and activist Audre Lorde—“Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation, and that is an act of political warfare.”)

Self-care is an estimated $10 billion industry with a large portion coming from the beauty sector

The ideas for self-care is different for women vs men

• Men are allowed to work hard and play hard
• Drinking beer and hanging with buddies, golf, lawn care, watching sports
• All very time consuming events
• Women must FIND the time to get self care
• Why is a hot shower marketed to women as self care? Hot showers should just be a given and a bare minimum.
• Commercialized self care only geared towards moms: beauty serums, exercise programs, “mommy makeover”
• We’re told “you deserve it” so it becomes something we are or not worthy of
• Leisure gap: Men spend roughly 3 more hours on leisure activities per week than women.

But the truth is that self-care is not enough. And it’s time that we stop telling moms that a simple act of self-care will undo the years of culture-induced overwhelm that is causing us all to burn out.

What are the effects?

• Burn out - Constant pouring from an empty cup
• Resentment towards partner
• Fatigue, headaches, stomach issues, and heart disease.
• Low energy and less patience

How does this relate to the mental load? 

• The coordination of our own self care – when, where, how
• One more freaking thing to manage.
• coordinating before we have to leave
• Logically we know this is best for us but actually stepping away makes us feel guilty
• Societal pressures to be everything to everyone.

But also - I don’t actually need self care. I need a partner who’s more switched on on a daily basis. Self care isn’t a break; it’s just delaying getting the stuff done we need to get done. I can’t take care of myself if I don’t trust my partner will seamlessly carry on without me. 

How can we fix this? 

• Self care can be viewed as a partner's responsibility.
• Change the narrative of self care as a health priority over an optional privilege. 
• What is your self care?

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Acts of service as a love language

Anecdotally I have noticed that every woman in a heterosexual relationship will say that her love language is acts of service. Ask her husband what her love language is and he'll say "definitely acts of service". But I think this is bullshit.

What if, women are using acts of service as a love language as a cover for asking our partners to pick up more of the mental load?

I find it statistically impossible that every woman lists acts of service as their love language. I would bet money that if we had more equitable households and marriages, the percentage of women who say acts of service is their love language would decline significantly.

This is all just my opinion and has not be researched in any way shape or form.

Drop your comments at the mental load podcast on YouTube.

What is the mental load?

How does the mental load affect women?

Is the mental load a real thing? And if it is, what is its impact on women?

The mental load is all the “invisible work” that needs to be done to keep daily life going

This includes cognitive and emotional needs as well.

Cognitive labor involves thinking of all the practical needs and logistics and emotional labor involves managing and regulating everyone’s emotions to create the most successful outcome for everyone. 

Four components of the mental load:

• Anticipating needs
• Finding solutions to meet them
• Making decisions
• Monitoring progress

What is the effect on women?

Health:

• Anxiety disorders
• Burnout
• Depression

At work:

• Stalled careers
• Judgement: that we’re distracted 

Economically:

The wage gap literally exists because of the mental load. Women are paid less than men and women of color are paid less than white women.

Relationships:

Kids - we teach our boys that women carry the mental load for them and we teach our girls that they're responsible for doing invisible labor. We're less present with our families, simply going through the motions of managing a family rather than participating in the family.

Husbands - when they don't help shoulder the mental load, they miss out on opportunities to bond with their children. Their partners/wives become resentful and everyone's happiness takes a nose dive. At the end of the day, women are less intimate and less likely to want to have sex with their husbands because they resent them for not carrying more of the load.

Friendships - we lose the closeness of our friendships when we're too busy to coordinate regular meet-ups with our friends.

Why are any of these things a problem?

We're teaching our kids the same generational cycle we resent and women end up feeling unfulfilled in their own lives. They get lost in motherhood.

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The affect of mommy influencers on our mental load

There's no shame in the mommy influencer game. At all. It's a respectable way to make a living. But as millennial moms were inundated with information previous generations didn't have; in large part because of influencers.

We've done a lot of damage to our mental health in the early days of influencers. We're just starting to see a shift to more "authentic" content and an even smaller percentage of mom-targeted content creators that are talking about things like the mental load and its affects on women.

We've accidentally added to our mental load by following a million parenting content creators. It was with the best of intentions, but comparison became another to-do box on our to-do list.

If you're looking to lighten the mental load, take inventory of the content creators your follow in the parenting space and Marie Kondo that shit. If it doesn't serve you and bring you joy; let it go.

Mute those friends who make you feel like you're a shitty mom because you don't have the most stylish family photos scheduled. Trust us, it will give you back a lot of headspace.

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How the Patriarchy Affects the Mental Load

This isn't a "fuck the patriarchy/white straight men suck" episode. This is an acknowledgment and discussion of facts. The facts are, that the patriarchy exists; by nature, it oppresses women and people of color; and it needs to be reformed. (which would then make it something new altogether) Society and institutions are made to evolve as they learn and I think we've learned enough about the patriarchy to make it clear that a lot needs to change.

And, to be fair, outside of the economics of the patriarchy, I would say that it doesn't actually serve white men that well either, which we will dive in to as part of this epsidoe.

What is patriarchy?

It's very complicated, but in an oversimplified explanation: it's the idea that men have more power, dominance, and privilege than women. Men hold positions of power and women are less valued therefore end up oppressed. The ideas of the patriarchy infiltrate daily life.

For example: women take men's names at marriage and their children get the male surnames. Another is that men hold most executive positions at companies and in government. They make decisions based on their worldview to the detriment of women. Obviously there are some parts we take bigger issue with than others.

Values like rationale thinking are prioritized over emotions. It's primarily white and heterosexual. Behaviors are policed based on the social construct of these ideas.

So what does this have to do with the mental load?

The patriarchy built and maintains the systems we have today that do not help and support women. It also steers men's behavior in a way that does not support modern family life. It leads to deeply unsatisfied relationships on both sides of the equation although for different reasons. It really lays the foundation for the mental load.

• In society?  Creates a hierarchy of power with white men at the top. Discussion: We'll discuss later on why we think the patriarchy doesn't actually serve men well either, but do you think it's something that the average man thinks about nearly as much as those who mother do?
• In American culture, women expect to be harassed and are constantly on alert for physical threats.
• In the workplace? Men hold most senior executive functions

If you're inherently against things like male dominance and privilege, does that make you a feminist? And is being a feminist still looked down upon?

Here's one definition I found: Many forms of feminism characterize patriarchy as a present-day unjust social system that subordinates, discriminates, and oppresses women. Feminists often view patriarchal ideology as the root cause of gender inequality.

So going by that, yes, I guess I'd define myself as a feminist and I would not feel bad about that. Side note - isn't it the patriarchy that makes us feel bad about being a feminist?

What mental load issues does the patriarchy keep in place?

• the burden of childcare - as we all know by now, childcare is looked on a being feminine and appearing feminine is a big no-no for men under the patriarchy.
• sick days
• pick up/drop off
• appointments

All these things end up falling primarily to women. Thus, we must mentally retain the details around them.

• being the default parent - if your spouse is more valued in society than you, you'll be the first one school calls, the one who coordinates all the invisible labor, etc.
• Contraception - the burden to find it, take it reliably because we do not have rights to our own bodily autonomy in every state
• Invisible Labor - cooking, cleaning, chores - they're gendered and split unevenly. This is why so...