Sure Thing (Andrew Wolfe & Josh Armstrong)

Candlesticks go "wee".

www.surething.money

Intro music created by H-Pizzle.

A piercing ring echoes out through the night, a howling rhythmic scream that serves as backdrop to the visage of the boys danger dancing with ASIC. Your DNA is on file and the dogs can smell your hereditary predisposition for failure. Doomed to repeat the mistakes of your ancestors, you must trash your loved ones to beat the HFT shorts. The treasure hunt is set to become real as we incorporate the chocolate wheel gambling podcast into a viable profit-churning entity, trading virtual Beanie Babies and taking a 30% brokerage fee for the trouble. Pony up your life savings and get your bite of the burger, you reptile-owning ostrich-eater. We go to war with plumbers once again.

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All aboard, the Mate Ship is boarding and our final destination is Traumatic Bonding Experience. Bottoms up, dicks out, your legacy is weakness and your future is a medal for excellence in lawncare.

Full episodes on the Patreon feed at https://www.patreon.com/surething.

http://surething.money.

Returns are diminishing but aggression is at an all-time high. You can't burn bridges if you don't have enough gasoline - siphon the fuel from Nigel's Camry and slash his tyres to make it look like somebody broke into the underground car park during lunch.

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Intro music created by H-Pizzle.

Buffing out the wrinkles in your brain so you can better put together those jigsaws in your mind's eye.

Full episode and bonus episodes every week at http://patreon.com/surething.

Take a punt on your friends and family becoming insolvent.

http://patreon.com/surething.

Struggle eternal against 35 mortal enemies. Legally it is your obligation to take the fear of another as collateral.

Karma, karma, karma, karma, karma chameleon.

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Patreon exclusive content at http://patreon.com/surething

Get out of stem cells, and shoot off some sperm cells - invest a Honda Civic into a lamp post and take the eternal drive.

lol u up? rents rnt hme. u wna drnk drve 2 myn n freek owt n bolt b4 u cn nock on my door? wldnt it be so randm if u gt in our van n cam wit us 2 da farm? we hav drugs i promis itl be siii1ck!1 

no? lol k ttyl

Video eps on Patreon

https://www.patreon.com/surething

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It's all upside, Baby. From 250 to 320k in one week. Andrew Wolfe cannot lose. Mesoblast FOREVER.

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Intro music created by H-Pizzle.

Everything must go in the paella.

The cause of and solution to your trauma.

Get more Sure Thing at https://patreon.com/surething. Extra episodes every week.

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Evicted from the house and eliminated from the island, Wolfey talks about not getting let on this season of Big Brother. The producers say the psych evaluation is bad and we've tested positive for rheumatoid arthritis after years of being being punched in the face. You are the secondary character, smashing your kids' piggy bank for more IKEA hotdogs. Fold out the cot, we're sleeping in the office tonight to keep an eye on all those green charts. This is not the MSB episode.

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Become the star attraction in the human zoo, Bane mask and all. If you look menacing enough, your soulmate might be just around the corner. No dogs in heaven, just dog meat in the fridge straight from the rainbow bridge - we're only falling deeper into an 18 month recession.

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You're the bull in the ornamentals shop, the relationship is breaking down and everybody has taken a bet with low odds that you're not getting the kids. Delivering CBT right into your ears this episode to the background of the fattest bass drop of everything embarrassing thing you've ever accidentally said out loud. Hold your kids under water until their hands become so prune-y that no psychic could ever possibly do an accurate psalm reading. Now streaming the 10 hour editing process and live episodes to almost no viewers at twitch.tv/surethingpodcast. Sure Thing is an irony podcast and our true views and values mirror yours exactly. Peace, Love and Unity, Siberia, the place to be. http://surething.money.

Intro music created by H-Pizzle.

The endless potential of an uncharged phone.

Get more at http://patreon.com/surething.

A short bridging episode while Andrew fixes insidious technical issues.

More episodes at https://www.patreon.com/surething.

Don't say fat one.

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Sniff a lemon, drink the wasp water and and lift yourself up, to tower eternal above your kids from way down in the ground. It's 3 demerits for evasion but a never ending joy to hook up to the car battery before the tube ends your sub-par alchemy altogether.

I jerked off 4 guys on my way here tonight, and boy are my arms tired.

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We are lifting you out of your ketamine haze for a girl's weekend to space. Hurry up and get your thongs on, we've only got 45 minutes before we need to be back at your mother's.

Video on the Patreon

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Derivative banana tricks for monkeys.

Patreon exclusive episode. Hear the rest at http://patreon.com/surething.

Smashing through the trampoline that was supposed to save us from the depths of despair, the bounce has become a climb with nary an "R U Okay?". Ripped of karate kids and questionable wording from a couple of smug fucks. Green belts are now $35 and if you don't pay up we're gonna nick your coats.

See Wolfey live at MICF: comedyfestival.com.au/2021/shows/andrew-wolfe

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Taking over Brigadoon one propaganda poster at a time. T-shirts now available.

Listen early at our Patreon patreon.com/surething.

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Is there a Doctor onboard? Paying for sad dates with a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles credit card and screaming as we leave the runway. Alan Watts said it couldn't be done, but if you throw your parents under the bus you might just be able to get away with insider trading. Expressing the breast milk for your new ice cream business - leave one in the bowl while you listen to this episode for good fortune. www.surething.money

Intro music created by H-Pizzle.

Through the most grueling parts of this year's festival season, Wolfey and Josh have been releasing episodes EXCLUSIVELY on Patreon.

Here's a taste in the form of clips - get the many hours of Patreon exclusive Sure Thing episodes at https://www.patreon.com/surething.

Waking up screaming in a sensory desperation tank.

Full episode and bonus episodes every week at http://patreon.com/surething.

All profits from Sure Thing Podcast Pty Ltd will be used for chaos. It's a $1000 a day bender propped up by a pyramid scheme and enforced by gang of losers in cool jackets - we're hooked up to an MDMA drip to avoid a comedown. Inadvertent skull crushing as the 3 step program takes 12 steps back. Grab a vibrating stick and help us bash every ounce of what will hopefully be recognised as irony from your hot chicken.

https://discord.gg/ZHhkccn

https://www.patreon.com/surething

Intro music created by H-Pizzle.

Follow us down a lazy river into a padded room.

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Get your real estate license through repetitive concussion and CTE. Nobody is impressed by your expensive curtains when you made all your money importing and exporting brake discs for farming equipment. Council pick up is a permanent fixture are your neighbour's front lawn - raise your fists and get in their face in an attempt to win your life back.

surething.money

Ozymandiass.

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You're a permanent observer at the United Nations General Ass-embly.

More stuff, fuller episodes, extra trauma at the Patreon.

https://www.patreon.com/surething

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A day at the water park.

Weekly bonus episodes at https://patreon.com/surething.

Recorded in January.

Stop eating and watch the fat that comprises the majority of your personality disappear. It's a post-apocalyptic wasteland and we're the only podcast with the solution. Start a war, suck the tailpipe of a Ford Bronco and join the Patreon to get episodes early. Shot in the back of the head, left for dead, cheeseburger in one hand, fat fake milkers pushing up the dirt as you're lowered into the ground in your Greyhound coffin.

Return to sender at http://surething.money.

Watt's happening, Folks? It's that time of the night - put your hands together and welcome Chicken Liver to the stage for the last time, closing out by leveraging Jesus for a final performance before returning to the void on the way home. This week's corporate retreat is a delight for the senses sure to create a few exes. Leave your wife at home, she's taking it in the divorce anyway, spike a pint glass into the pool and experience some shitty miracles. Honesty is killing you. You have to drill deeper to find the strength to achieve success.

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Intro music created by H-Pizzle.

Clips from episodes 99 to 99c to wet your beak. Get weekly episodes (pretty consistently!) on your very own, very special Sure Thing Patreon podcast feed when you subscribe.

Wow. You should definitely head to https://patreon.com/surething and get your sticky little hands on the many, many Patreon exclusive Sure Thing episodes in their entirety.

Some guy massaging your wife's breast at the public access infinity pool to calm himself down.

Patreon exclusive episode. Hear the rest at http://patreon.com/surething.

A man goes into a Doctor, he says "Doc, I'm depressed, I don't think I can take it anymore, I've been thinking about killing myself". The Doctor says "Pierrot the Clown is performing tonight, that should cheer you up."

The show is sold out, the man instead spends his money on the surething.money Patreon. He necks himself, but his credit card doesn't expire until 2025 so it works out pretty good for us and we make a bit extra when I don't need to buy a t-shirt.

http://surething.money http://patreon.com/surething

Debates become heated, dick-taties examined, judgement is passed. We're purging ourselves of our evils through bile and hate, spinning up the cult of personality and joining everybody down in the countryside to FASEA the music.

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Another tease for one of our weekly Patreon exclusive episodes.

Join us at www.patreon.com/surething. Join us at www.patreon.com/surething. Join us at www.patreon.com/surething. Join us at www.patreon.com/surething. Join us at www.patreon.com/surething. Join us at www.patreon.com/surething. Join us at www.patreon.com/surething. Join us at www.patreon.com/surething. Join us at www.patreon.com/surething. Join us at www.patreon.com/surething. Join us at www.patreon.com/surething. Join us at www.patreon.com/surething. Join us at www.patreon.com/surething. 

Win a ticket to the Balinese mod shop, fire up the PS1 and stuff a baggie up your bum. Don't be a bad mule, we've racked up the fun and left you some.

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Your cubicle is a coffin, you live in a postbox and 10% of your life is being stolen by Kogan. International sex crimes and dirty penis cleaning time - retirement's a lie and you might as well just jump into the hole with the rest of the drill.

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Intro music created by H-Pizzle.

One little piggy snuffled his way past the electric fencing. Occasionally an episode provides so much insight you'd think we were making clinical progress.

Bonus episodes every week at https://patreon.com/surething.

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Fly in the face of height restrictions aboard a Bluetooth rocket ship heading to Mars. Anger is the fuel, a motivation, a tool. Train your camera in a last ditch attempt to capture a ghostly shadow - the shadow of your past towering enormous over an uncertain future. The pain of forgiveness and regret turn swiftly into love.

Full video is Patreon only.

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The Moon God is angry.

Somebody screwed up their audio, so Somebody Else had to spend 20 hours fixing it in the edit. Thank you for your patience.

Jeffrey Dahmer & Greg has finally come to life. See the trailer: https://youtu.be/a87iquHJpo8.

Watch Sure Thing with your eyes at our Patreon.

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More Sure Thing at https://patreon.com/surething.

Chew half a pack of cigarettes, your wife is going off the balcony at this corporate retreat. When AI takes all the good podcasting jobs, you'll be dreaming of $5 worth of fruit.

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The thin veneer of inclusivity invites the exploitation of the most marginalised. Commodify the vulnerable for the battlefield and sexualise the disenfranchised. Synergise a progressive marketing strategy with some deep fake nudes to leverage your signal of virtue and increase profits this quarter. TikTok, time's running out and the grain is too. 

We would like to state that Tate is a cuck and Wolfey's addiction to China's digital dissent weapon is being dealt with.

You can find Wolfey's appearance on Matt and Shane at: https://www.patreon.com/MSsecretpod

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Get your own MSB-branded child coffin from Armstrong & Wolfe Oil.

Patreon exclusive episode. Hear the rest at http://patreon.com/surething.

Horny Conqueror seeks single Mum at school drop-off for scrambled eggs in the prison cafeteria. The diary is fake but the tears are real - you're like poetry so lemme slam?

A sliver of the Patreon episode. Get it and more in full at http://patreon.com/surething.

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Self sucking through the glory hole in your face mask. Ouroblowus.

Released early on Patreon.

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Basically a group edging session.

Short-squeeze yourself into a pair of dancing shoes and join us on the fire truck to get yourself a haircut. $800 tuck-ins for bedtime - we revolutionise public services to generate extra profit and commercialise what remains of society's heroes. Wait until your final moments before attempting a last-minute grab at the life you should've had.

Quit your job, eat your family, surething.money.

It's a Great Leap Forward, hacking up our culture and questioning a few others. Never looking back, always looking forwards to a simulated future where all outcomes are miserable. Neck a Fruity Lexia and deepfake a smile through all the weddings, market shifts and dig deep down inside yourself until you hit that hot, black yolk. If you were truly related to Napolean you wouldn't be such a coward.

Invest in www.surething.money.

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We've only just gotten patched in and we're already having microsleeps on our big boy bikes. Set off the fireworks cos it's the first episode of a New Year featuring fresh opportunities to invest in a babychino direct from the almond's Double Fucken' Ds, a couple sniffs of the worst Darren Sadblokes your X-Defacto's ever heard and one of us works really hard to prove that a separation isn't always unfair on the man. Slap, smash, and leave on a roll: Duhka Devils forever, www.surething.money.

Intro music created by H-Pizzle.

Sabrina the Teenage Williams.

Patron exclusive episodes every week at https://patreon.com/surething.

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Cast your net from bridge of opportunity into the nighttime of an endlessly ignorant future. If you listen through you'll get to hear a man nearly cry. Class warfare starts tonight.

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Robot Boy goes in for faulty dump pipe, teeth are being ground into dust faster than margin future positions are being liquidated and we're wide-eyed all night with the halogens piercing into the deep recesses of our brains. Mainly a discussion on chemicals with a brief interlude on chomos. 

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Intro music created by H-Pizzle.

A golden tooth for a gilded man. It's Nesquik titties and abused, limp kiddies, flinging sand into the eyes of the Royals and a sharp turn left as we decide it's time to start redistributing the wealth now that we don't have any. We've waived the height restriction, so hurry up and hook yourself up to the giant ventilator with all your fishing village girlfriends. Die Piscasso or live retardo? Flip a coin and pray for head, but you're going under either way for the haircut of a lifetime.

http://surething.money

https://discord.gg/ZHhkccn

https://www.patreon.com/surething 

Intro music created by H-Pizzle.

Spit into the mirror but never reflect long enough to remember that you're the root of all your problems. Reach nirvana with the power of shadenfreudening your own position, even a giant sweater can come apart by tugging on a single thread for long enough. Deputy Wolfey finally diversifies, Josh liquidates his feelings. Identifying the scams running rampant in small towns all over the world culminates in unity through music. Bash your dog, cut the phone lines, you sell gum boots.

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This is Episode 14. Andrew has lost his family, his position and now he has managed to lose Episode 13 of this horrible little podcast as well. Claiming to be Icarus but more akin to Danny DeVito as the goat man in Hercules, there is no reception among the clouds which means nobody can call to warn you that you're actually hurtling back towards the ground. A schooner is thrown, a whale is poked, the dreams of a hapless duo disintegrate, dusty between clutching fingers. Burn the ecolodge to the ground to kill all the spiders, because riffs lost may never be recreated.

We have an unutilised Discord for dice rollers, and we discuss how we are to gamble Patreon money (thanks to Hank).

https://discord.gg/ZHhkccn

https://www.patreon.com/surething

Intro music created by H-Pizzle.

Sharpened teeth and anal fishhooks on a trampoline of dreams. Wolfey gets off the phone at 1:03:42. www.surething.money

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Sentencing is being handed down and we're hoping for at least 8 years. New business ideas and conspiracy theories resonate with a very impressionable man living in a state of mental flux. Kill your neighbour and assume their identity for the ultimate rent reduction. Illuminati explored and Glitterati is ignored, the Chinese death camps await. A surprise milestone at the $10k Patreon mark is announced and we have received several shockingly real applications to invest through http://surething.money. Give us your Super, Coward.

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Intro music created by H-Pizzle.

Contrary to popular belief, depression, anxiety and suicide rates don't increase during this holiday season, they are just high all year round. Can't wait till my balls drop tonight!

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From hostile womb to chlorinated tomb, there has never been a better time to invest in foreign children. For just $1 per day or a couple of cigarettes, you could play parent to a future patent-making world leader, or mitigate your losses with some basic geo-location sleuthing. Your very own village to brothel is just bed, bath and beyond the horizon.

Tested positive for COVID an hour after recording this one. Appreciate your patience until I could get it up. Diligent fans may even catch a telling sniff or cough late into the ep.

See the show in video and support Sure Thing at our Patreon, join our stupid Discord, somebody made a subreddit and send death threats to us on Instagram.

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Knock-knock, I'm with Australian Solar Implants - can you spare a minute to jam this in your head? Christmas is around the corner, you asked for Cape Town and you're getting the Cape Town Flats. Try escape without getting your hand bitten off, or stand your ground, take off your shoes and fling an egg into the face of every alternative medicine practitioner.

It's not SUPERannuation unless it's invested at www.surething.money.

Intro music created by H-Pizzle.

We are legally allowed to be here.

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Mining your dying brain, getting the main vein drained.

Silviu loves us, Bernie is RIPping it up in heaven and even the audience plants are experiencing a sad quagmire of self-pity. Very wearisome with few redeeming qualities.

Are you in Perth? Andrew is performing at the Perth Comedy Festival. Shockingly he has not been featured on the front page of the website, but despite the best efforts of festivals around Australia to silence him, he has almost sold out his run at the the Regal Theatre. Tickets from https://www.perthcomedyfestival.com/event/andrew-wolfe-perth/.

He's also coming to Gold Coast/Brisbane at the end of May.

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It's like we were never gone.

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Clean all the sand you dirty little snail, the locusts are here - it's not a beautiful mind and you're not John Forbes Nash, it's a disgusting nightmare, you're John Forbes' Gash and you're forever trapped behind the glass, staring out at a room full of people you respect laughing directly into your stupid snail face. We are screaming downwards today as the margin closes in, and the only possible future position is snotty, weepy begging on your knees.

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Intro music created by H-Pizzle.

A Big Pussy Monster novel.

Patreon exclusive episode. Hear the rest at http://patreon.com/surething.

***

To achieve consistency in the Sure Thing schedule, we will be releasing 1x Sure Thing and 1x Patreon exclusive Sure Thing weekly. You'll see 30~ minute teaser cuts of the exclusive releases here. If you want more, Patrons get a feed with both full episodes.

Breaking the fourth wall for a moment, both of us enjoy making this piece of shit show immensely, even so we both hit some real bad burnout earlier this year. To avoid it happening again and so we can put out more Sure Thing, we're doing this.

This episode artwork is a photo I took at my psychiatrist's office, right outside the ECT room for the truly mentally-based who are looking to ascend, which tickled me to no end that maybe the answer to crippling depression and anxiety disorders could lay within a coffee table book about cruising.

I also sent Wolfey a picture of my psych's waiting room to get him off my back about editing the latest ep, he thought I was in crisis but I was just refilling a script. What a dumb cunt.

This is the real episode, though the last one really heats up around the 30 minute mark. No loops, no cheating, it's all recorded live.

I feel I should give some context for Wolfey's belligerent venom towards the MICF Gala. This is a sad man's jealousy at being unable to connect with regular people in a social setting while being exiled to Perth as is revealed by the conclusion of the episode.

misn u xo

surething.money

Yes hello, I am Gus.

Inducing somnolence for the only podcast audience that willfully defies the fundamental principles of classical physics.

https://patreon.com/surething

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A perpetual state of derealisation.

Bonus episodes every week - be a cool Patreon Guy: http://patreon.com/surething

Clips from Patreon episodes 99d to 99d to excite and delight. Get weekly episodes on your very own, very special Sure Thing Patreon podcast feed when you subscribe.

Wow. You should definitely head to https://patreon.com/surething and get your sticky little hands on the many, many Patreon exclusive Sure Thing episodes in their entirety.

Birth. Sorrow. Separation. Wanting. Clinging. These are the sutras of duhkha and, according to the charts, we are 40% of the way to ridding ourselves of any remaining shred of ego. Rip the ventilator out or live long enough to realise you died in your cubicle. This is the MSB episode.

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Intro music created by H-Pizzle.

We've spent the last day digging a grave for ourselves and for you. This episode is a true car crash - curly dick and his robotic friend are finally in together in person. The thin veil of sobriety burns away around 1:20. Play quickdraw with a murderer, make no noise during sex and remember, it's not phobic because you aren't afraid of anything.

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You're meant to be in shock.

Join our Patreon if you aren't a coward https://patreon.com/surething.

Ozempic faced cotton picking wrinkly regressive therapy sandwich. Go Go Gadget Jelqing.

More episodes at https://www.patreon.com/surething.

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Back in the old days you had children doing important jobs, now a lot of them aren't even allowed on a job site.

Full episode at https://www.patreon.com/surething.

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Piss on a school boy and watch your social credit soar. It's a new year and time to celebrate everything you've achieved in 2021. This episode is coming to you LIVE from May.

We do a big bit on Luxury ATMs which I believe did again in another episode months later without either of us realising that we had already done it before, some of the riffs are different I think.

Released early on our Patreon at patreon.com/surething.

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