Sex, Love, and Addiction (Robert Weiss, PhD, MSW)
Explore every episode of Sex, Love, and Addiction
| Pub. Date | Title | Duration | |
|---|---|---|---|
| 28 Feb 2019 | Mental Health or Addiction? What you Need to Know With Dr. Candice Christiansen | 00:33:38 | |
In this week’s episode, Dr. Rob welcomes back Candice Christiansen, founder and clinical director for the Namaste Center for Healing. She and Rob discuss some co-occurring diagnosis that is found as an underlying source in addiction and avoidance, and why it’s not unusual for people that have sexual problems to also have an emotional and mental disorder that causes them to act out. They give a few examples of these conditions, define some characteristics of those on the spectrum, and talk about the importance of getting a professional evaluation to make sure one is getting the proper treatment.
TAKEAWAYS: [4:46] Sexual addictions and disorders aren’t always based on personality and narcissism. There are also many instances where it is an attachment based disorder. The acting out is a learned behavior to try to escape, self soothe or connect. [5:45] Candice describes how self-stimulating behavior relates to those on the autism spectrum. Part of her job is to help the addict replace porn with a non harmful replacement to self-stim. [9:04] High functioning autism will often be diagnosed when a child is young because there is a clear language deficit or auditory processing issue. [11:15] Those on the spectrum are usually very intelligent, and may not get social/sexual cues. They may also be very honest to a fault, blunt, and get overstimulated by bright lights or loud noises. [15:07] Sociopaths know that their actions may hurt someone else, but they don’t care or possess empathy, while those on the spectrum have “in the moment” thinking, but do show great empathy. [16:19] There are conditions that can look like a learning disability, so it is very important to get a thorough evaluation by an expert. [25:43] A symptom of bipolar disorder is often the tendency to be hypersexual. When a bipolar individual is stable and their disorder is in remission, many times they stop acting out. [26:02] Other diagnoses that Candice sees where people act out include both OCD and OCPD. [27:38] Mental health professionals must have a common language so they know how to best treat a condition and everything that goes along with the condition. [29:01] A diagnosis is not a judgment, it’s an observation so that an issue can be treated properly and professionally.
RESOURCES: Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Rob@sexandrelationshiphealing.com
QUOTES:
| |||
| 09 Aug 2018 | Healthy Dating in Recovery with Jonathon Taylor and Jackie Pack | 00:39:01 | |
Jonathon Taylor and Jackie Pack are on a mission to help people know what healthy dating and true intimacy look like. On today’s episode, they join Rob for a talk about their own journey as Licensed Therapists, their great work with One Layer Deeper, the common struggles they find from men and women moving from addiction to dating, the mistakes addicts make when they do go back in the dating pool, and their very own Dating Intensives.
TAKEAWAYS: [3:00] Addicts tend to pick up other people’s issues and focus on the person they are dating rather than themselves, possibly to control and evade feelings of isolation and lack of control. [6:04] One of the things that surprises Jonathon and Jackie most in their work is the wants, needs and desires men and women show in relationships that may have otherwise been clouded and buried in addiction. [7:19] When a sex addict goes out in the dating world without the flirtation, seduction and the need for control, they are actually quite vulnerable. That fear and anxiety is a large part of what addicts try to avoid. [10:20] Profound changes happen in addiction within a group dynamic with the common intention is getting sober and supporting individual recovery. It’s scary often times for individuals to move into the “wild” dating scene where heartbreak, emotion and intimacy must occur to feel genuinely loved and appreciated. [11:57] Jackie and Jonathon speak about their Intensives, and how the outcomes usually are deeper and wider than ever imagined. [14:44] Love addicts realize that dating is a numbers game, and often when the second or third date isn’t working out, they just give up. When in actuality, dating in recovery is conversation, a “get to know you” type of activity such as a walk in the park, and short periods of time where you get together and get to know someone. There are multiple reasons people date including friendship and companionship, rather than just being enmeshed or focused on sex. [19:46] Jonathon and Jackie help men and women become informed and authentic partners within their own relationships. Whereas before someone may have felt unlovable and hopeless, they teach their clients how to pick a date based on appreciating someone for their core values. [25:29] Octytocin is the hormone in our brain that bonds us to our loved ones, and often released on the women’s behalf typically during sex. In Jonathon and Jackie’s intensive, they coach women on dating to enjoy themselves rather than sole focus of becoming bonded and dependent on their partner. [30:20] Jackie defines trauma as “anything else than nurturing at critical points.”
RESOURCES
QUOTES:
| |||
| 23 Dec 2021 | What Is Trauma, Really? And How Is It Related to Addiction? | 00:42:54 | |
Lynne Friedman-gell and Dr. Joanne Barron are both the Founders of Trauma and Beyond Center, based in Los Angeles. They provide outpatient trauma programs for trauma, mental health, and co-existing disorders. They have written a book, Intergenerational Trauma Workbook, to help people ask reflective questions that allow them to go deeper to heal some of their trauma. In this episode, Lynne and Dr. Joanne go deeper on the impacts trauma really has, how it shows up in addiction, and so much more.
TAKEAWAYS: [2:55] Why did Lynne and Dr. Joanne start a trauma center? [5:50] How do you define trauma? [8:40] Our first relationships set up a template of what we’re going to expect in the world. [10:40] Dr. Rob has seen a lot of trauma survivors who have taken on addiction as a way to cope with their past. [11:40] One of the best defense mechanisms a child has is to numb themselves and disassociate from their feelings. [13:10] Children end up blaming themselves, instead of their parents. They feel like they’re responsible for ‘all the bad things’ happening to them. [14:10] What type of therapists should trauma survivors be looking for? [16:35] How can people heal their past when they don’t even remember? [21:30] Whenever we are dealing with pain, it compounds because we use the past as a reference. [27:20] We unconsciously match with other people who have similar attributes to our own dysfunctional families. [30:35] Lynne and Dr. Joanne talk about their book, Intergenerational Trauma Workbook. [33:10] If we have unprocessed trauma, we will unknowingly pass it on to our children. [37:10] We all make mistakes and learning how to apologize, forgive, and recover from those mistakes is an important part of life.
RESOURCES: Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Intergenerational Trauma Workbook by Lynne Friedman-gell and Dr. Joanne Barron
QUOTES:
| |||
| 08 Aug 2019 | ADHD In Relationships and Addiction with Dr. Todd Love | 00:31:56 | |
Dr. Todd Love is a board-certified coach, licensed professional counselor and licensed attorney with a unique and broad background. He joins the show to talk with Rob about his own clinical practice in Athens, GA and exactly what ADHD is, how we diagnose it, and why it so strongly affects both the healing of addictions and relationship issues. Dr. Love shares his own personal experience with ADHD, what he has seen change in the field of diagnosis and treatment for ADHD throughout the years, the symptoms and signs, and what recovery may look like. Dr. Love and Rob also discuss how it shows up in childhood, relationships, and addiction, as well as resources where someone could get an evaluation.
TAKEAWAYS: [2:54] Historically, people thought of ADHD (Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder) as something that affected only children, and more specifically, young males. It is now a more or less equal issue and shows up in more places than just the early childhood classroom. [4:38] ADHD is a whole other different type of issue than mania. [5:27] If you run into a therapist who has worked with that issue for a while and have safety and understanding, work with this person as they are likely to have empathy and compassion towards that subject. [6:08] Up to 20-40% of “intensity seekers” have an existing ADHD problem that is contributing to or the cause of an addiction. Intensity seekers can be thrill seeking or novelty seeking that leads to problem behavior patterns such as gambling, sex addiction and overspending. [8:41] In order to get the ADHD diagnosis, the addiction would need to be quelled. A lot of treatment centers don’t screen for ADHD and instead look for disorders, and they may even have people stop their medications, which makes the problem worse. [13:41] It can be a very emotional shift for an adult who gets diagnosed and treated after years of struggling with symptoms and consequences from problematic behaviors due to their ADHD. [19:40] The partner of someone with ADHD needs to have compassion and understanding on this issue, otherwise it may cause a lot of frustration, miscommunication, and resentment. Dr. Love makes himself vulnerable and discloses that he does have ADHD, so others know he isn’t being rude or dismissive if he is moving around or distracted while talking. [26:43] Official diagnosis come from doctors or neuropsychological testing, since school systems require formal diagnosing. This information can then be brought to a therapist or psychiatrist.
RESOURCES: Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Rob@sexandrelationshiphealing.com The Couples Guide to Thriving With ADHD
QUOTES:
| |||
| 24 Nov 2022 | Betrayal, Hurt, and Anger: You Can Let It Go | 00:45:31 | |
Dr. Crystal Hollenbeck is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor and a Florida State Qualified Supervisor for those seeking a license in Mental Health Counseling or Marriage and Family Therapy. In addition, she is also a Certified Professional Life Coach. Being a Therapist and a Life Coach gives her the unique ability to help clients heal from the past and live their best life today. In this episode, Dr. Crystal discusses what happens when a betrayed partner feels so angry and can’t seem to forgive. Is there ever a way out of this hurt? The answer is yes. Listen in for more.
TAKEAWAYS: [1:40] A little bit about Dr. Crystal. [2:50] When someone has been deeply betrayed/hurt, how does anger show up? [6:00] Anger and pain shows up at different times. [10:00] Despite all the pain, you have to take responsibility for when you are upset. [12:50] Dr. Crystal shares her lego principal. [15:45] What happens in the brain when someone gets better from depression? [16:55] What is abusive behavior? [19:50] What happens if you want to let go of your anger but you’re nowhere near forgiveness? [25:45] You don’t need to let go of the anger, you just need to process it. [27:45] If you’ve been betrayed, please consider therapy. [33:10] What do you do if your family members get angry for you? [37:05] Dr. Crystal likes to use the CBT Therapy method to help her clients through their pain. [40:45] Does betrayal affect same-sex couples differently?
RESOURCES: Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss
QUOTES:
| |||
| 04 Jul 2019 | Betrayal Trauma with Tim Stein | 00:37:26 | |
Tim Stein is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Certified Sex Addiction Therapist, engaged in helping couples find the love they are meant to have. Tim is the co-founder of Willow Tree Counseling in Santa Rosa, and works with sex addicts and their partners providing individual, group, and couples therapy. Tim is a bright and rising star in the field of sex addiction, and speaks about the expected betrayed partner responses, along with the honesty that must be present in order for true healing and recovery to occur.
TAKEAWAYS: [3:19] Tim co-founded Willow Tree Counseling in Santa Rosa, and this gives an opportunity to people on the central coast of California a place to go during this time of trauma and recovery. [5:32] Tim understood addict recovery, and got to understand the trauma betrayed partners really went through after working with a colleague. This folded into the partners sensitivity movement, which also goes along with the idea of Prodependence. [7:38] When a partner is betrayed, there are certain “predictable unpredictable” behaviors and responses. This individual has just had their bottom fall out beneath them, and also may have felt denied of their intuition and devalued for quite some time. [11:04] Even before a cheating partner is caught, chances are their energy is less than completely loving and connected with their partner. They may start to be even more forgetful, cold or distant, and may be resentful towards their partner to try and justify their bad behavior. [16:10] Partners can pick up on this energy can have autoimmune or libido issues before the cheating is out in the open. They can pick up on the possible shame and guilt the addict feels, and these cues can cause real physical and emotional symptoms. [19:02] It’s not a comfortable thing to admit struggle and vulnerability, and even tougher when the addict is in recovery. However, it is part of the important process of building back true trust with their partner and loved ones. [23:05] Most of the relationships that Tim sees fail occur when the addict isn’t able to do the rigorous work of total honesty and disclosure to make their partner feel safe and understood.
RESOURCES: Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Rob@sexandrelationshiphealing.com
QUOTES:
| |||
| 16 Dec 2021 | Marry Yourself First with Ken Donaldson | 00:44:44 | |
Ken Donaldson has been one of Tampa Bay's leading change specialists since 1987. With a 25 year background as a mental health and relationship counselor, he has a unique perspective in winning in the game of change. Ken's credentials include: Licensed mental health counselor; board certified as an addictions professional and clinical hypnotherapist; and certified as a master relationship coach. In this episode, Ken talks about his book, Marry Yourself First, and the proud change it can bring when you live by your purpose and values.
TAKEAWAYS: [4:20] Ken shares why he wrote the book, Marry Yourself First. [8:15] How do you ‘marry’ yourself? [14:30] What areas of your life do you currently feel disappointed in? [18:05] Sometimes we get frustrated because we unknowingly have expectations surrounding that situations and we’re leaving ourselves disappointed. [21:20] Your reaction is a reflection of you, not a reflection of the person who is triggering you. [25:40] Ken explains what the MVP and VIP acronyms stand for and how you can live within your values and purpose. [31:20] How do you know what your priorities are when trying to maintain your values? [34:55] What happens if you never really do find the partner of your dreams? [39:00] You have to figure out your own drum beat and march to that beat. [41:35] Ken has created a structure to help people find inner happiness.
RESOURCES: Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Marry Yourself First by Ken Donaldson
QUOTES:
| |||
| 06 Apr 2023 | Part 2: Financial Infidelity and Career Suicide: Can You Recover? with Debra L. Kaplan | 00:27:15 | |
After a successful career on Wall Street, where issues regarding sex, money, and power are legendary, Debra L. Kaplan merged her fascination with narcissism, sex, power, and control with her studies in psychology. Debra’s book, For Love and Money, became the inspiration for her groundbreaking clinical work. In part 2 of this episode, Debra continues her discussion around infidelity and money, how to heal after a financial betrayal, and what compromise looks like.
TAKEAWAYS: [2:00] The way a couple handles money is how they handle other issues in their relationship. [4:35] What should couples do when they’re in crisis and are trying to regain control of their finances? [5:35] Sit down and come up with a game plan on what you both want out of this relationship and its future [6:45] How can couples begin to work towards healing? [9:15] Dr. Rob shares a personal story around the challenge between recovery and money. [11:40] As an addict through and through, and being in recovery, you have to learn how to not be selfish. [18:45] What’s Debra’s new book about? [21:15] Not everyone can afford therapy, but Debra created this book for couples who need the help.
RESOURCES: Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss Financialtherapyassociation.org
QUOTES:
| |||
| 06 Oct 2022 | Part 1 - How Do You Become a Sex Addict? | 00:33:17 | |
Dr. Rob does a solo episode to discuss some common questions that arise in his practice. Things like, how someone becomes a sex addict in the first place, why shame plays an integrated role in addiction, and how to re-learn to ask for your basic needs in adulthood. Recovery is hard, but it’s possible. Dr. Rob hopes this episode opens your eyes and shows you that you’re not a bad person.
TAKEAWAYS: [1:45] How does someone become a sex addict? [2:45] Treatment is about three things: 1. Learning how to not do this. 2. Learning about addiction. 3. Learning about yourself. [4:15] Shame prevents you from asking what you truly need for yourself. [6:15] Addicts often grew up learning that no one was going to meet your basic needs, so why even bother asking? [10:45] Young children don’t understand what’s going on in an adult world and often blame themselves for any wrong doings. [14:15] What actually happens in a healthy family? [19:10] Addicts walk around adulthood feeling empty looking for people to meet their needs, only to be disappointed. [23:00] Your feelings naturally get pushed in the way, way back. This is why you act out! [24:20] Your emotions are just information indicators that there’s something wrong. [29:35] We learned a long time ago that our needs hurt other people. Of course, as an adult, this is not true! [30:15] So many people in recovery don’t even realize what it is they need emotionally. This is a learned process and it takes time to learn.
RESOURCES: Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency
QUOTES:
| |||
| 20 Jun 2019 | Trauma and Addiction: The Connection with Dr. Jamie Marich | 00:35:50 | |
Dr. Jamie Marich is an EMDR therapy master trainer and author of 5 books including Process: Not Perfection and creator of the Dancing Mindfulness approach to expressive arts therapy. Dr. Jamie joins the show to talk about expressive arts solutions for trauma recovery, what trauma work is, how someone knows if they have trauma, and the resources to begin working on it. She and Rob also talk about both the similarities and differences of trauma work in addiction and therapy and what the two could stand to learn from each other to give even more support to those affected.
TAKEAWAYS: [3:08] Jamie worked in Humanitarian Aid in Bosnia in 2000-2003, and she met Janet, a mentor that got her on her own path to recovery. Janet validated so much of her experience in addiction by telling her “It’s no wonder you became addicted after everything you went through, but what are you going to do about it now?”. This was the first time someone framed it in a way that made sense, and put her own trauma into perspective. It challenged her to take action and really work on her issues. [5:54] Often times we associate trauma with putting the responsibility on someone, especially when it is from our early childhood. Jamie explains that it is good to practice mindfulness, but first we have to explore why one is difficult to stay in the moment in the first place. [10:46] The idea of safety and a commitment to the well being of the addict is strong from both the addiction and therapy treating camps. It’s not productive to keep citing trauma without addiction, so to explore one we have to consider the other. Jamie will have a conversation with her clients about what safety really means, and how it’s okay and not “bad” or “wrong” if they aren’t able to feel perfectly safe right away, or even ever. [12:21] Jamie defines trauma as any unhealed human wound. It can come in different forms such as physical, mental, emotional, and trauma work is the broad spectrum of connection and activities that helps us know that we are not our thoughts, feelings and sensations, we are just the person that has them. [17:23] Whether your trauma is associated in your memory or not, it can play out in how the body responds. The body may react thinking it’s protecting itself, and so much of trauma work needs to involve embodied activities that help you realize a more adaptive kind of coping. It is possible that through this work, people will feel their feelings for the first time in a long time. [25:40] Jamie encourages us to give it 3 sessions with a therapist to see if there is a connection and see if they give you choice with the treatment options they offer. For example, they may be able to work with you through cognitive therapy, expressive arts work, and EMDR. [28:20] Both a 12 Step Group and expressive arts work allows us a safe place to connect with ourselves and others. [31:55] Jamie provides much value and resources for everyone. Her latest book, Process Not Perfection, can be an addition to therapy or a self guided resource for healing.
RESOURCES: Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Rob@sexandrelationshiphealing.com
QUOTES:
| |||
| 15 Nov 2018 | What Men Caught Cheating Need To Know with Dr. Rob and Tami | 00:32:17 | |
This week, Rob is joined this week by his compadre and sidekick, Tami VerHelst. They discuss a topic and challenge that comes up so often that it inspired Rob’s book, Out of the Doghouse: A Step-By-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating. Rob shares how he wrote a book to help men, but knew that the women in their lives would purchase (and possibly throw at them). Rob and Tami also discuss cheating in the digital age, what men typically do that makes the situation worse, and some steps that will actually heal relationships.
TAKEAWAYS: [3:58] Men tend to be problem solvers, and jump in and offer solutions right off the bat. What struck Rob is that the problem of infidelity and betrayal is one they aren’t so good at, and tend to solve it with gifts, and get impatient when that doesn’t work. [5:50] The title from Out of the Doghouse came from the concept of a video where a woman gets an unwanted vacuum as a gift, and banishes her husband to the doghouse. There, he meets other men guilty of similarly heinous crimes, and they conspire on how to get a reprieve and return back to normal life. [6:32] Women buy 95% of all self help books. [7:49] Rob redefines infidelity in the digital age as the keeping of profound secrets in relationships. What tends to break people’s hearts is not that their partner had sex with someone else, but that they were lied to, deceived, or that details were omitted. [12:01] Men are more able to compartmentalize, and women tend to be more holistic thinkers. They may see a one night stand or even an affair as something that has nothing to do with their primary relationship, whereas their partner will be devastated and hurt. [14:03] Tami gets many emails and messages of women catching their partner with another male. It doesn’t matter who or what gender the betrayal is with, infidelity still hurts and can destroy their relationship. [16:11] The worst thing a man can do is blame their woman or partner for their cheating or need to step out of the relationship. The man must take responsibility for their actions, and the outcome of their decision. [17:50] Other things men do after a betrayal that don’t work: asking for forgiveness shortly after while the pain is still raw, giving gifts and financial demonstrations of love, continuing to cheat, blaming their partner for their anger. [21:12] A few steps from Out of the Doghouse that are proven steps towards repairing a relationship: men must have empathy for their betrayed partner, and display an understanding that they have caused the pain. Men should actively disclose the general details to their partner, but make sure it is in a professionally supportive environment. [26:05] It is important for men to be sure they want to stay in their relationship, and are sincere about staying before they jump into all of the healing work.
RESOURCES Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Rob@sexandrelationshiphealing.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-By-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating Out of the Doghouse for Christian Men
QUOTES:
| |||
| 18 Jun 2020 | Food & Addiction with Lulu Cook | 00:39:58 | |
Lulu Cook is an expert in eating disorders and food addiction. She is a coach and dietitian. Lulu helps her clients feel good about their emotional and physical health. Food addiction can show up in many ways and it can be a big struggle to stop binge eating. Lulu provides information on why people typically develop eating disorders, how to best recover/manage their relationship with food, and so much more on today’s episode!
TAKEAWAYS: [3:25] Lulu shares her food addiction journey and story. [6:10] What is the difference between an eating disorder and food addiction? [14:00] Do people with eating disorders also typically have body dystopia? [18:00] Why do people typically develop eating disorders? [24:20] People need to eat food. How does Lulu help manage her client’s addictions? [29:25] Food addiction can destroy people’s lives. Lulu shares some examples. [31:05] How do weight and food fit together? If someone is big-boned or a little heavy, how do they recognize they might just like to eat vs. have an addiction? [33:05] Food touches everything in our lives. Our relationships, faith, environment, and health. [38:20] Lulu works with clients all over the world, so location is no obstacle if you’re interested in getting some help!
RESOURCES: The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Connect with Lulu: Lulucook.com & Email: Lulu@gutfeelingcoaching.com
QUOTES:
| |||
| 13 Oct 2022 | Part 2 - How Do You Become a Sex Addict? | 00:37:33 | |
Dr. Rob continues his solo episode to further discuss some common questions that arise in his practice. Dr. Rob is passionate about reducing the shame and stigma of sex addiction and offers an explanation as to where sex addiction might stem from. It is possible to find inner peace in your recovery journey, but you have to put in the work to reap any reward.
TAKEAWAYS: [2:55] Dr. Rob explains what healthy love looks like in small children. [5:20] Can children under 4 be depressed? [6:10] What does ‘feeling loved’ really feel like? [7:10] Even when you get genuine connection and love, you still feel like you don’t deserve it. [12:00] Because no one was taking care of us emotionally, addicts find a way to fill in the blanks. [18:00] How do you get your needs met as an adult? [20:15] It’s okay to be needy! [24:50] Addicts are so used to being shamed for having minimal emotional needs. [29:10] Addicts would rather eat dirt than to ask for help. [32:20] Dr. Rob shares a powerful story about him asking for what he needed. [35:55] Dr. Rob felt so much shame for even having to ask for help.
RESOURCES: Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency
QUOTES:
| |||
| 15 Oct 2020 | BONUS: Q&A with Rob & Tami - When Should We Tell Family About Our Addictions? | 00:33:30 | |
Rob and Tami dive into whether you can rewire your sexual tastes after being exposed to hardcore porn. They also discuss how to have a successful open relationship (when you’re not an addict) and so much more on this week’s episode!
TAKEAWAYS: [0:30] Can I rewire my sexual tastes? [6:10] I don’t think I can handle my partner relapsing. What can I do? [10:45] How can we have a successful open relationship? [13:45] Should addicts reveal their addiction to their family members? [18:00] I stumbled upon child porn and I felt guilty ever since watching it. How do I get over this? [19:45] How do you create healthy boundaries as a sex addict? [24:15] My husband of 28 years has paid for prostitutes for the last 8 years. Will this pain ever end?
RESOURCES: Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Book by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction by Robert Weiss | |||
| 03 Aug 2023 | Part 1: Sex + Porn Addicts Share About Their Healing Journey with Dr Rob, Larry and Jay | 00:34:47 | |
Dr. Rob speaks with two people in recovery, Jay and Larry, about their addiction and the type of damage it has caused their families. Jay and Larry also talk about why they felt comfort in their addictions and how their lives have been improved now that they are sober and aware of their problem.
TAKEAWAYS: [2:25] Why did Jay seek help and go to treatment? [4:15] Jay was frustrated that he couldn’t fix himself on his own. [5:25] Larry shares his experience with addiction. [6:05] Larry was so afraid of connecting with people, which is why he found comfort with porn. [9:15] At first, Larry thought it was his wife’s problem on why they were having issues. It turned out, it was his addiction that was the problem. [12:30] Why did it take Jay 45 years to seek professional help? [15:50] Jay’s first therapist did not believe in sex addiction. She thought he was just a liar. [18:55] Why did Larry keep telling his wife about the slips he had with porn? Why didn’t he just keep it a secret? [21:15] Larry knew it was unhealthy, and Larry knew it was terrible, but he couldn’t stop. [26:15] Jay talks a little bit about his childhood, and why he found comfort in sex with strangers. [30:00] When Jay would travel, it would trigger him because he was so lonely and he wanted to act out to fill the void. [32:35] Jay would try to use willpower for it to go away, but he just couldn’t sustain it.
RESOURCES: Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss
QUOTES:
| |||
| 07 Jun 2018 | Spirituality and Addiction: What does one have to do with the other with Mark Anthony Lord | 00:34:25 | |
Mark Anthony Lord is an expert in the area of spirituality and recovery. As an author, coach, speaker, and minister, Mark sees firsthand the damage that addiction can impart upon one’s spirituality and faith. When we heal, Mark believes it must be first from within. As a Reverend, Mark helps people from all walks of life become back in tune with their spiritually, or possibly even connect for the first time. He and Rob also talk about the isolating nature of addiction, the connection between God and sexuality, and fostering the one relationship that we can count on no matter what the circumstances, the one between ourselves and our higher power.
TAKEAWAYS: [1:46] Dealing with spirituality is one of the hardest challenges that sex addicts tend to have, whether it’s their own personal morality, or within the healing process. Betrayed partners also take issue with feeling as though they were living in a giant lie based upon their partners faith versus their actions of bad behavior. [3:00] Mark believes that addiction is a spiritual disease which disconnects an individual from their spirit of creativity, love, joy and generosity. Addiction affects us first spiritually, and drains our zeal for life. [4:26] The tendency for sex addicts to compartmentalize bad behavior is a way of perpetuating the cycle of disconnection, mistrust and unworthiness, thus leading to even more disconnection. [8:14] Mark loves doing exercises to reconnect people with their life affirming and life-giving passions. Whether it’s nature, family, work or service, we all get excited by something deep inside. [10:44] Although their paths of treatment are different, both Mark and Rob are doing work where people connect both with themselves, their own pain and ultimately, learning to take joy in the basic human connections around us. [13:26] One of the challenges about religion currently is the feeling that one must be “good” and “together” to partake in it, instead of it feeling like a salvation for those that need it most. Mark discusses some spiritually bankrupt religious leaders that could have used some connection in their soul. [16:25] A lot of people living in duality feel as though they must be afraid or fearful of God. They must be courageous to explore their own broken relationship with God, and heal it to move forward with recovery. [18:32] In the 12-step program, Mark has seen miracles happen time and time again once people connect with their own spirituality and begin to connect with the human experience in an open and vulnerable way. [19:26] Mark explains his belief that God and sex do not have to be separate, and that the power in both God and sexual energy in a healthy human being are aligned. [24:59] Our childhood attachments and security impacts our outlook on love, security and trust in the world. Mark believes the more of a broken upbringing one has, the more important it is to seek spirituality and a higher power. [26:10] Expecting people to never let us down or disappoint us, will always keep us separated and disconnected from our human experience. A big part of being spiritually in tune is to love others despite their flaws. [28:55] Mark feels that marriage is for the exact reason of loving one another through our brokenness. It doesn’t necessarily mean staying or leaving after a betrayal, just to love ourselves unconditionally.
RESOURCES To contact Mark Anthony Lord: lordmarkanthony@gmail.com
QUOTES:
| |||
| 06 Sep 2018 | Love is Everlasting with Dr. Harville Hendrix | 00:39:01 | |
Dr. Harville Hendrix is an international expert in the field of human intimacy and human relationships, and is dedicated to teaching individuals what love is in both feeling and action. Today, he talks about the crucial steps in a relationship before love can even enter the picture, and the interesting way our unconscious minds match us with our partners.
He and his wife Helen authored the best-seller Getting the Love You Want, and draw from over 40 years of working with couples to get to the root of how we can be curious instead of judgemental and find ourselves through our relationships. Lastly, they talk about Imago, their work in education and their work helping couples understand each other even in the most painful of circumstances.
TAKEAWAYS: [2:54] Even before love happens in a relationship, there must be a differentiation process where we become aware that our partner is not a figment of our imagination here on this earth to love us in exactly the manners we think are best. Until that process occurs, real love cannot yet be born. [5:07] The highest divorce rate is year 7. [5:54] During courtship and early stages of marriage, partners have a tendency to conform to the “perfect person” for their partner. [6:52] Polar energy is needed for interest, and if we end up marrying the exact same type of person as us, that will lead to a couple feeling disinterested, not challenged and eventually disengaged. [8:52] We tend to unconsciously seek out our partners for the same needs we are looking to find in our caretakers. Caretakers may be neglectful or intrusive, and this absence occurs both in single family homes and intact homes. [10:10] It’s typically about 2 years in to a relationship when we see real differences start to come out, the fantasy is unmasked and the partner is left triggered, confused, and anxious. This need for the symbiotic relationship to be back may often lead to compensatory behaviors. [13:01] If we become curious instead of reactive, that will lead us to really understand our partner, and see both them and ourselves clearly. [16:31] It is a huge loss when couples see the illusion, and walk away from an opportunity. [18:31] 20 out of 50 states have mandatory sexual education in schools, and of the 20 states, 12 require parental consent. [20:17] Dr. Hendrix recounts a story about a couple he met that was from an arranged marriage, and he found they had similar expectations and challenges than a couple that met organically. [24:41] Context is just as important as the self, and what gives birth to the individual. [26:39] Imago Relationship Therapy has been in the culture for 30 years, and is a three step dialog process to help people connect, talk and listen. [32:40] Talking can be the the most dangerous thing people do. Dr. Hendrix is concerned with strengthening the health, safety and dialogue of a couple when he is working with them. [35:06] Learning better relationship and conversational skills is something that can benefit people both in personal and professional relationships.
RESOURCES Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Safe Conversations Leadership Training
QUOTES: “Love has to be love of the real, rather than love of the fantasy.” “There is a collusion to become symbiotic with each other.” “Instead of judgement and criticism, we can shift to curiosity.” “When the energy dies and the love dies, now is the time for growth to begin.” “If you do not feel safe with your partner, you can not connect with your partner.” | |||
| 24 May 2018 | Betrayal Trauma and Healing with Dr. Barbara Steffens | 00:36:25 | |
Dr. Barbara Steffens joins Rob to talk about betrayal trauma and her many extensive years of work within the field. She looks at addiction and infidelity through both the lens of the addict and the partner and works to normalize all parts of what occurs in the addiction and healing process. She and Rob discuss what betrayal trauma is, why some partners may decide to stay, and how they can eventually begin to possibly trust again.
Dr. Steffens founded and is President of The Association of Partners of Sex Addicts Trauma Specialists, and helps clients and also therapists work with people experiencing profound trauma and betrayal. She is also the author of Your Sexually Addicted Spouse.
TAKEAWAYS: [0:49] Dr. Barbara Steffens has been a specialist in sex addiction and partners of sex addiction since 1999. Her book Your Sexually Addicted Spouse is a lifeline to help partners cope and heal after betrayal trauma. [2:22] Often times people first associate a trauma with abuse, either physical or mental, but there is also a trauma that goes along with a betrayal within a relationship. When there is an expectation of trust, safety, and security that is violated, it can have a profound effect. [10:43] The partner acting out still can have love, attachment and a connection, but the quality of how deep their intimacy can actually be changes over time as they must compartmentalize in order to not feel too much guilt over their behavior. It’s an internal split for the addict, and hard for the partner to understand how the addict can say they love them and yet still betray their trust. [16:15] It is another betrayal when partners are not heard for what has just happened to them, and the addict may even blame some of their behavior on the spouse. [18:12] Dr. Steffens had to first go to the infidelity field to learn about betrayal trauma from the partner’s point of view, as the addict field just focused primarily on the needs of the addict. [19:32] While partners may not be able to trust the way they once did, they can develop an ability to trust the heart, intent and the behaviors they observe along with their own ability to detect lies and deceit. [23:01] Dr. Steffens tells partners that they did not make their partner cheat, and they don’t have the power over how someone else responds. She encourages them to work with their own emotions and speak their truth rather than prescribing a one size fits all protocol. [32:36] Partners sometimes stay with an addict when there is a relapse due to not wanting to ruin the stability and course of what they have built in their life. Dr. Steffens knows every partner has the choice to decide what is right for them, and takes the judgement away from those no matter what they deem tolerable.
RESOURCES Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Association of Partners of Sex Addicts Trauma Specialists
QUOTES:
| |||
| 30 Aug 2018 | Women in Sex and Love Addiction with Staci Sprout | 00:37:08 | |
Staci Sprout, author of Naked in Public, therapist and speaker joins the show today to share her experience of over 24 years working with couples, individuals and groups on sex and love addiction. She discusses her current project, where she dedicates her time and expertise to train therapists on how to better work with females, and how to broach different perspectives and reasons for acting out. She and Rob also talk about cultural issues in dating, women using porn and ways people can find connection and love in a healthy and productive manner.
TAKEAWAYS: [2:40] Staci is a gender variant woman and doesn’t fit the typical bell curve profile of a female in recovery. There are certain qualities that have been typically more masculine in a traditional sense, such as identifying herself as an addict in her book Naked in Public. [4:41] Many women hate the term sex addict, and struggle with shame and oppression in society over their sexual identity in the first place. Others will identify with it almost as a badge of honor, which is more rare yet found in the younger generation. [6:31] The majority of female sex addicts tend to act in ways that are more in pursuit of unavailable partnerships, staying in abusive relationships, or other relationship and emotionally driven situations. [7:17] Staci wrote Naked in Public from the perspective of a female addict that we typically see in men. This includes behavior and a mindset leading to casual and unattached sex, typically with many partners. [12:17] The longing for love and connection is so powerful, and we can still be drawn into implicit longing and cravings if these needs are not met. A large part of Staci’s recovery is being able to do what she does consciously, and observe impulses and cravings without judgement or shame. [16:03] A woman that doesn't know how to date the right man isn’t broken, and shouldn’t give up on love. [17:23] One of the signs of mental dis-ease is when your emotions and intellect are out of balance, and you lose the ability to make a good intellectual choice. Having a supportive community that you can share with, is a human and healthy need. [21:44] Our culture is still waking up to the power of attachment, and open to learning new ways of picking partners and finding intimate and meaningful connections. [25:44] As exposure to porn is getting younger, Staci cites a study where at least 1 in 3 women watch porn every week, and 1 in 10 every day. In an ever evolving technological world, therapists must find a way to factor in online addiction with the human needs in love and sex. [29:02] Rob and Staci discuss what dating is, and what it is not. Hands off, lights on! Enjoying coffee for an hour or two then parting ways is healthy, and part of the forgotten fun of courtship is taking your time to get to know someone.
[32:29] Distress tolerance is good for reclaiming the innocence of dating and vulnerability. Often times people move too quickly or give up on love entirely because of a past bad experience, having no clue how to date in the first place, or having no support to bounce ideas and fears off of.
RESOURCES Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Sex and Relationship Healing Live Webinar Marie Claire - How Porn Affects Women’s Lives
QUOTES:
| |||
| 27 Jun 2019 | Addiction Treatment: What We Do and Why We Do It | 00:33:04 | |
It’s a solo show today as Rob discusses treatment and the crucial healing elements that must be in place when working with addicts. He talks about his experience running the Seeking Integrity treatment center for over 25 years, and how groups can model the closeness and connection that addicts may miss in their upbringing. He also discusses the role of integrity, and how addiction is not an excuse for bad behavior but rather an indicator that one is struggling with issues and trying to work on them.
TAKEAWAYS: [1:58] Often times someone will say they are entering themselves in a treatment center for one reason, but first we have to really understand why they are coming in. While being a better person is certainly an appropriate goal, it’s really about having integrity and living in a way that doesn’t harm yourself or someone else. Integrity is so important to healing, that is why Rob named his treatment center Seeking Integrity. [4:05] Addicts are usually unable to get their needs met in healthy and positive ways, and this leads to them living a separate and compartmentalized life, and getting what they want through manipulative behavior. Healing will begin as they start to take care of their own emotional needs and the needs of others instead of slipping into behavior that allows them to disappear into fantasy. [8:33] Many addicts did not have a model for healthy families or intimacy from their own family while growing up. Understanding that this would cause trauma is called Trauma Informed Treatment. Therapists will understand they have a deep and enduring problem with intimacy and closeness and perhaps are using drugs as an escape. [11:26] Trauma is not an excuse, it is an opportunity to honor and acknowledge triggers and emotional touch points that keep us disconnected and separated from true intimacy and connection. [14:33] One of the most important elements of healing is relationships. Groups and programs can give addicts the kind of family experience they never had growing up, and for the first time ever they can learn to depend on other people. [25:02] If treatment is done right, the clients will get a deep sense that people can be there for them and still give them support. [29:08] Integrity comes from integration and bringing separate parts together into a whole. Recovery is about not having anything to hide.
RESOURCES: Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Rob@sexandrelationshiphealing.com
QUOTES:
| |||
| 21 Nov 2019 | Sex, Porn and the Culture Wars: Being An Expert in a Disinformation Era | 00:29:32 | |
Rob wanted to take some time to express some of the challenges he is facing in communicating the importance of his work on this week’s episode. Rob recently attended a conference in Australia that was a bit frustrating to experience. Facts matter in the therapy world and it seems that people prefer to listen to the loudest of voices instead of the experts who have dedicated their lives and education to addiction and therapy. Everyone wants you to take a side or to think in absolutes, but therapists don’t take sides. Therapists guide you in choosing what’s right for you.
TAKEAWAYS: [2:05] We don’t really have all the research about porn addiction yet. [3:50] Porn can be bad for some people, but it doesn’t mean that it’s bad for everyone. [4:35] When Rob spoke at a conference in Australia about his neutral beliefs about porn and porn addiction, people were disappointed. When attending scientific conferences, it’s important to present facts; not opinions. [5:55] Unfortunately, people who are anti-porn hold very strong beliefs about it, but they might not necessarily have the clinical knowledge on how addiction really works. A lot of speakers were not citing statistics or facts in their talks. [7:45] It’s a catch 22. Anti-porn people do not want to talk about the positives of porn and sexual health professionals don’t want to talk about the negatives of porn and sex addiction. What you need is a balance and you can’t have that if you are very biased towards one belief or the other. [8:15] Rob makes the connection about how people feel about porn addiction to how people felt about prohibition back in the day. It was deeply rooted in moral, religious beliefs, with conservative overtones. [9:15] Fear sells. All you have to do is pick a side and think in absolutes, and you will be very popular. Rob doesn’t believe this is the best approach. [12:55] Rob and some of his fellow colleagues, who hold PhDs on the subject, were turned down to speak because event organizers preferred the speaker who had more media contacts, who were ‘marketable’, or even paid more for a booth. It’s a sad state when fame is preferred over expert knowledge at scientific conferences! [17:20] How can you do mental health treatment without asking about human sexuality? It sets Rob’s hair on fire when there is such a big disconnect in this area. [22:05] When you use the word ‘addiction’, you are not shaming yourself. You are embracing your vulnerabilities. You have limits and you learned what they are. That’s a good thing. [24:55] You can never debate facts to people who have very strong emotional beliefs or opinions. You will always lose. [26:15] Rob doesn’t understand why the sexual world is so split on certain issues when we all use the same methods and techniques to treat patients. Life would be so much better if we can just come together and work together.
RESOURCES: The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Rob@sexandrelationshiphealing.com Prohibition: A Film by Ken Burns and Lynn Novick
QUOTES:
| |||
| 20 May 2021 | BONUS: Q&A with Rob & Tami - How Can I Heal My Addiction? | 00:32:31 | |
Rob and Tami talk about the biggest emotion you should fear in your marriage is not hate, it’s indifference. When they no longer care, that’s when you know the relationship can not be salvaged. They also share how you can recover from a betrayal, and how long it truly takes to ‘heal’ an addiction.
TAKEAWAYS: [0:30] Dissociation and decompartmentalization, how does it work? [3:50] Addicts don’t trust that people can soothe and comfort us. [6:25] At the end of the day, reality is what wins. [8:00] How long does it take to really heal from sexual addiction? [15:35] Been with your addict for a long time? Tami and Rob have a support group for you. [16:35] How does an addict’s emotional abuse get addressed at Seeking Integrity? [20:45] When should I tell my daughter about our toxic relationship? [23:40] My wife is hurt beyond belief. She wants to know how to make the pain stop? [29:15] Partners are searching through everything you have because they’re looking for reasons to stay. [29:45] The opposite of love is indifference.
RESOURCES: Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Book by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction by Robert Weiss Cruise Control Book by Robert Weiss
QUOTES
| |||
| 07 Jan 2021 | BONUS: Q&A with Rob & Tami - My Addict’s Therapist Blames Me for His Wrong Doings! | 00:33:04 | |
Rob and Tami explain in depth what a betrayed spouse is going through during the first year and a half after a reveal, and what a person in recovery can do about it. They also answer listener questions about porn addiction since the age of 10, and what to do when a CSAT therapist sides with the addict and not with the betrayed spouse.
TAKEAWAYS: [0:25] My wife hates me. When will it stop? [2:25] Dr. Rob explains why it’s important for betrayed spouses to find a place to vent outside of your home with the addict. [4:25] He’s just not getting it! Will I ever get empathy from my addict? [8:00] I have been a compulsive user of sexual fantasy since I was 10. I’m struggling. How do I become normal again? [13:15] As a betrayed spouse, I’m seeing red flags with my husband’s current therapist. The therapist blames me! [15:40] Not all therapists are good therapists. You do get a mixed bag and it can be a journey to find the right one. [18:45] My addict broke my boundaries. What do I do? [25:35] At Seeking Integrity, Dr. Rob and his team turn boys into men. [27:35] Is there something wrong with me that I want to be intimate with my untrustworthy addict?
RESOURCES: Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Book by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction by Robert Weiss Cruise Control Book by Robert Weiss
QUOTES
| |||
| 07 Mar 2019 | All About our Runaway Ego’s! With Dr. Lou Cox | 00:39:25 | |
Dr. Lou Cox is a Clinical Psychologist with over 55 years of experience. In his private practice, he works as a Psychotherapist and Awareness trainer, and Addictions Specialist. Today, he and Rob discuss both the healthy and unhealthy functions of the ego, why we have an ego, and how it relates to our need for love and connection. He also shares why compassion and courage are essential to getting loose with the ego and talks more about his book The Ghost in the Machinery.
TAKEAWAYS: [1:53] Dr. Louis Cox is a Clinical Psychologist, expert in the area of addiction and alcoholism, author and also has the organizational consulting practice: EgoMechanics Inc. [3:01] We typically think of “ego” as someone that is loud, bossy and attention seeking. Dr. Cox discusses that there is the “self aggrandizing” ego, however there is also a “self diminishing ego”. This is where one presents themself in a way that doesn’t cause any conflict or rock the boat too much with the fear of losing love and feeling shame and abandonment. [4:19] We develop defenses and start conditioning our behavior by the age of 7. As we are out in the world getting feedback from our caregivers and those around us, we learn how to act in order to feel connected and accepted. It is where these behaviors become compulsive that the problems lie, and addictions typically surface. [10:32] Our egos tell us that in order be feel loved and worthy, we must create an image of what we think deserves love and connection, and then compulsively act according to it. [11:15] The ego can function both in ways that are healthy and detrimental. We need our ego to keep our connection, but it is a balance of making sure it doesn’t hinder the authentic expression of our real selves. [15:19] Addicts use for the purpose of feeling okay, where most people use primarily to have fun. [18:20] The need for autonomy and the ability to be ourselves is crucial for children. Often times when they feel as though they aren’t able to fully be themselves, issues arise. One characteristic of addiction is the denial that one is out of control. [22:18] Much of what we see as addiction and character personality problems in our culture relate profoundly to early childhood experiences of love, stimulation, validation and acceptance. [22:27] Our ego often tricks us into not speaking up about our needs due to fear of rejection and abandonment. It also may lead someone to deny their need for love, and create abusive and destructive behaviors. [27:58] Dr. Cox titled his book The Ghost in Your Machinery because our egos often operate silently and unconsciously. This book is for the community of people who have had a wake up call and are seeking good inner guidance besides the ego. It provides a set of resources to access all that the ego usually blocks for a need to stay in control. [31:31] Left to our own devices, we will default to what we learned as a defense mechanism in our early childhood. [35:41] Compassion and courage are essential to getting loose with the ego.
RESOURCES: Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Rob@sexandrelationshiphealing.com
QUOTES:
| |||
| 14 Mar 2019 | The Cost of Neglect with Enod Gray | 00:31:51 | |
Therapist and counselor Enod Gray joins the show today to talk about how people are affected by neglect. She and Rob discuss the types of family dynamics that often lead to neglect, how people are affected by neglect, and what solutions are out there for folks dealing with this painful and under-discussed subject. Enod is based in Houston and offers counseling through her True Self Transitions business. She also discusses her new book, Neglect — The Silent Abuser and how one can begin to heal from childhood neglect.
TAKEAWAYS: [3:01] Neglect often goes undetected and unrecognized. While clients report overt abuse, neglect can be so foundational in so many issues. When neglect happens pre-verbally in a child's development, there is typically a feeling of emptiness and pain that feels as though it comes from an unknown source. [5:03] Enod names the types of situations where neglect most occurs in families. Some of the biggest ones are:
[10:21] A few crucial elements for the neglected to heal: they must go within themselves and tell the truth about what happened, and how they are going to reenact now in the present day. They must seek professional help for distractions/addictions, learn to play, and learn proper boundaries. [13:28] It often is tough for neglected people to trust others and to find an intimate connection. This isolate, in turn, can lead to depression and anxiety, so it is very important for them to find ways to connect. [16:26] Addiction can take on many forms. A few examples can be sexual addiction, the addiction to work and achieve, love addiction, or a need to prove themselves worthy so they can find “the one”. [20:02] It can be tough for men to deal with the true pain and grief neglect causes, as society tells them to be strong and stoic.
RESOURCES: Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Rob@sexandrelationshiphealing.com
QUOTES:
| |||
| 27 Oct 2022 | Part 2 - How to Get Over Betrayal and Cheating | 00:49:06 | |
Dr. Rob breaks down what goes on in a man's and a woman's mind when they cheat and their partner finds out about the affair. In a continuation of last week’s episode, Dr. Rob shares whether it’s possible to recover from infidelity, whether a partner should stay in a relationship with an addict, and how you restore trust again in a relationship after cheating.
TAKEAWAYS: [1:50] Codependency doesn’t actually exist. Dr. Rob explains why. [3:10] When your partner is snooping through your stuff. They’re look for reasons to stay with you! [7:35] Can couples recover from infidelity? [14:25] Every partner feels like it’s their fault for not being able to keep their cheating partner in the home. [14:55] So many people will say, ‘if only you had more sex with them, they wouldn’t cheat.’ That’s a lie! Spouses are shamed on and they have very little support. [17:20] Crazy is your new normal! [22:25] Your spouse has lost their best friend. [23:15] Should a betrayed spouse stay or should they go? [31:05] What is disclosure? [41:10] Empathy is how you heal deep relationship wounds with your partner. [41:45] How do you restore trust in a relationship?
RESOURCES: Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss
QUOTES:
| |||
| 21 Jun 2018 | Drug and Sex Addiction (chem-sex) with Dr. David Fawcett | 00:36:29 | |
Today’s episode features Dr. David Fawcett, therapist, author of Lust, Men and Meth, and expert in methamphetamines and stimulants in sexual behavior. David and Rob discuss trends in drug use among the gay male and female population, the frequent co-occurrence of both sex and drug addictions, risk factors and consequences of meth use, and the need for disruption in therapy to update training, assessment, and treatment.
David works hard to eliminates the stigma around addiction, and advocates to look at the whole picture of addiction rather than compartmentalizing it. He frequently presents workshops on LGBT health, addiction, HIV, and co-occurring disorders both in the US and internationally.
TAKEAWAYS: [2:25] We are in the middle of a dangerous trend. For about the last twenty years, we have seen a rise of stimulant abuse, particularly methamphetamines and cocaine in conjunction with sexual behavior. We have also seen a change in what kind of meth is coming in, as it’s much higher grade and leading to addiction in a quicker and more powerful way than ever before. [3:42] Meth and stimulants can be bonded with all types of behavior, not all sexually related. However, when used in conjunction with sexual behavior, people develop a dependence on the drug to perform in any capacity. David has noticed a trend with young gay men to skip over the pills and go right to the injectibles such as Trimix to treat erectile dysfunction. [5:36] The opioid crisis is certainly worth the mention and attention it has been getting in mainstream media, but meth overdoses are actually outpacing opioid-related ones. [6:39] Methamphetamine is a synthetic molecule that is neurotoxic and sits on the receptors for 9-10 hours, providing a surge and eventually the depletion of our “feel good” neurotransmitter dopamine. [7:44] Dopamine rewards behavior that helps us seek rewards in order to survive. The most natural way we release dopamine is through sex. [9:44] David sees many of his clients use meth to try and numb and dissociate negative feelings such as shame, isolation, and trauma. Over time, he has seen it most commonly in his clients that are gay men but is also now seeing it rise in the female population and eating disorder world as well. [10:50] There are a host of psychological and physiological severe consequences in meth use including brain damage, suicidal thoughts and actions, and cardiac issues. [12:53] Not all drug users become addicted. David discusses that although about 20% of drug users are led to addiction, the consequences are extremely severe. [13:05] David and Rob explain that meth and sexual addiction usually must be treated simultaneously. If one is a meth addict, chances addictions merge and work in tandem, creating a sex addiction as well. [15:57] Sexual addiction is often not addressed in drug treatment, left untreated may be a factor to lead the individual back to using. [18:20] There’s been a model of how we view addiction, and it’s been based on substances for 50 or 60 years, with a cultural resistance to natural occurring addiction such as sex and eating disorders. That model is changing, and more therapists and training programs are beginning to understand the repercussions and need for assessment of behavioral or process addictions. [21:38] Rob and David discuss the importance of finding a therapist that is well versed in the specialty one is seeking focused help. [25:45] David and Rob role play a typical call of someone seeking help for addiction and a potential therapist. [28:20] Therapists must do a more detailed assessment of sexual history as it related to addiction, and be hypersensitive to the level of shame, fear, trauma that their clients are bringing in to the treatment. It’s also important to help the client envision how sexuality is going to unfold in a healthy way in recovery.
RESOURCES Sex Addiction 101 David Fawcett Lust, Men, and Meth: A Gay Man’s Guide to Sex and Recovery
QUOTES:
| |||
| 18 Aug 2022 | Part 1 - Porn Addiction 101: The Problem with Scott Brassart | 00:38:07 | |
Scott Brassart is the Director of Content Development at Seeking Integrity. He writes all the content at Seeking Integrity and has worked directly with Dr. Rob for more than 10 years. Scott also teaches a lot of the courses at the treatment center. In this episode, Dr. Rob and Scott sit down to discuss porn addiction, the definition of porn, and how anybody, no matter their class, can be subjected to porn addiction. Addiction is a mental health issue. It’s an indicator that people are unable to go to someone for help, or comfort, and that’s why they seek external ways to cope and escape.
TAKEAWAYS: [4:20] How do you define porn in the digital age? [5:30] Is ‘OnlyFans’ considered porn? [9:10] If you’re using something for the purposes of arousal, even if it’s not ‘porn’, then it is still classified as pornography. [11:10] What’s the difference between casual porn use vs. you having a problem? [13:55] It’s not about how much porn you look at, it’s about what it does to your life. [18:25] At some point, you lose control over the behavior. There are casual users, there are at-risk users, and then there are addicts. Scott explains the difference. [24:20] Porn addicts know, deep down, they have a problem. [25:45] Porn is not an age thing or a socioeconomic thing. These are real people of all ages, and demographics, struggling with loneliness. [27:20] Porn has gotten more advanced. You can now build a sexual connection with another person with a computer/cellphone. [30:15] What is the appeal of pornography? [33:15] If you’re looking at porn, chances are you’re also looking at victims of sex trafficking. [37:15] Look forward to part 2 of this episode coming soon!
RESOURCES: Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency
QUOTES:
| |||
| 19 Jan 2023 | When You Put in the Work, You Will See the Benefits | 00:27:52 | |
Dr. Rob and Tami talk about how betrayed spouses can take care of themselves, especially if their addict is not showing up in a way that they need to. They also answer a question from an emotional man, who has been in recovery for the last two years, and use it as a showcase on why recovery really does work when you put in the work. When you commit 100%, you will see the results.
TAKEAWAYS: [:45] My SA husband never wants to have sex. What gives? [6:10] As a betrayed partner, you need to do self-healing work. Your partner has lied to you for over 2 decades. [7:20] It’s common for addicts to gaslight you and confuse you whenever you stand up for yourself. [10:25] My betrayed spouse doesn’t seem as invested in this recovery journey as I am. I am trying my best, what can I do? [13:10] I’m interested in taking the Out of the Doghouse course. When does it start? [15:50] I’ve been in recovery for two years. I’m more emotional than ever, and my wife thinks this is strange. How can I help her understand what’s happening? [20:30] ADHD and addiction? Is there a connection?
RESOURCES: Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss | |||
| 27 Apr 2023 | Part 2: Dr. Jessica Higgins: How Do You Learn to Forgive? | 00:27:21 | |
Dr. Jessica Higgins is a licensed Psychologist with two graduate degrees in psychology and today she continues her discussion around forgiveness in part two of this episode. Dr. Rob and Dr. Jessica talk about why expressing vulnerability is not a weakness but an opening to a better relationship future, how to recover after a conflict and speak your peace, and why emotional unavailability and lack of connection tend to be more painful than the actual act of cheating in itself.
TAKEAWAYS: [1:30] It is possible to communicate healthy agreements on what is acceptable and unacceptable in your relationship. [3:30] Sometimes therapists assume or expect that the betrayed spouse will know how to react or talk to their spouse who is struggling with addiction. [7:10] Instead of complaining to your spouse right away, there are benefits to journaling or writing down your thoughts about what their actions meant to you and how you perceived it. [9:10] If we share vulnerability, your partner is more likely going to respond positively to that than if you were to act aggressively or accusatory. [11:30] After reading hundreds of letters from betrayed spouses, it was never the cheating that hurt them the most. It was the emotional unavailability. [14:30] You can show up in little ways and it will begin you on the path of having your betrayed partner feel valued again. [18:20] The most important part to relationships is how you repair after a conflict or mistake. [22:20] What are some indicators that a relationship is completely done? [25:30] Interested in working with Dr. Jessica? Link to her website is in the show notes.
RESOURCES: Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss Empowered Relationship Podcast link
QUOTES:
| |||
| 27 Sep 2018 | Mother Hunger with Kelly McDaniel | 00:35:02 | |
Kelly McDaniel is an expert on women and addiction. Her deep empathy in the field helps women find, develop and be okay with themselves despite the trauma that may have occurred in early attachment. Today, she speaks about her upcoming book “Mother Hunger”, the lasting patterns that emerge due to early trauma, and how Mother Hunger treatment is different that typical sex and love addiction treatment.
TAKEAWAYS: [1:04] Kelly McDaniel, LPC, NCC, CST, maintains a private practice in Nashville, where she specializes in the treatment of adults and couples. In addition, she is an EMDR trained therapist and member in the Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health (SASH), and holds an education of an MA from Georgetown University and St. Mary’s University. [1:39] In 2008, Kelly’s first book “Ready to Heal” came out, written for women healing from addictive love and sex. The book kicked off that women needed gender-specific information in a culture that objectifies female bodies and women’s wisdom. [2:38] In 2012, the second edition was expanded to include a chapter on McDaniel’s original term “Mother Hunger.” Mother Hunger is a concept that has assisted both clinicians and clients to identify the origin of addictive relationships and foster the healing process. Currently, Kelly is offering two, three-day therapeutic Intensives for women who are exploring their relational patterns in depth. [5:31] Kelly finds her work resonates with both clinicians and the women that seek help. [7:02] Kelly defines “Mother Hunger” as a form of pre-verbal trauma that occurs in early attachment (5 weeks into conception in utero to age 3) that affects a woman’s belief system, physiology, psychology and relationship capacity. [8:37] A neglected child that is left hungry for connection, touch or love will turn to dissociation, or a freeze state, in order to protect and comfort themselves. [13:32] Our most basic idea of what a good partner would be is deeply affected when we are neglected or abused. When Kelly works with women in betrayal, it is a replay of the original wound and a map of where to go to heal. [17:22] The first ways we take in the world are through our mother’s love and some form of feeding and nourishment. These traumas are related to our most primitive stages of love, and continue to play romantically with both our current day lovers and support system or lack thereof. [20:46] Crisis is when your emotions and intellect is out of balance, and you are so invested emotionally in a situation that you are not thinking clearly. When those who have Mother Hunger get into a relationship, they get weighed down by the emotional need that comes up with the possibility of finally being loved. [21:37] Mother Hunger treatment is very different than standard sex and love addiction treatment. It is more related to the treatment in EMDR and somatic training, and sitting inside the grief for a longer intensive amount of time. [24:04] Women with Mother Hunger haven’t yet built a sense of identity, community or trust within themselves and others. [27:25] We profoundly underestimate postpartum depression and how that affect the ability to give love and nurturing. [29:39] The trauma forms before language, and is wired in to the body as the norm for what the world feels like. [31:30] Women with Mother Hunger transfer their attachment needs to men early on.
RESOURCES Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Ready to Heal: Breaking Free of Addictive Relationships
QUOTES:
| |||
| 23 Jan 2020 | The Call of Darkness with Dr. Larry Hedges | 00:43:36 | |
Dr. Larry Hedges is a psychologist, a psychoanalyst, owns a private practice in Orange County, California and specializes in the training of psychotherapists and psychoanalysts. He is also the Director of the Listening Perspective Center and the Founding Director of the Newport Psychoanalytic Institute in Tustin, California, where he is a supervising and training psychoanalyst. Dr. Larry is the author of numerous papers and books and through his contribution to psychoanalysis over the years, was awarded honorary membership in the American Psychoanalytic Association.
TAKEAWAYS: [3:05] Where do our thoughts of suicide come from? [4:20] All therapists are required to take a 6-hour course in suicide prevention. [6:50] Nobody truly knows why people are driven to commit suicide. [9:40] Suicidologists determined that the first two years of life will determine whether someone becomes extremely suicidal or not. [12:15] It all stems down to trauma and deep attachment issues. [16:35] Should you let your child cry or should you comfort them? [21:20] Between 4 to 24 months, the mother and baby have a set of attachment scenarios they go through. [27:55] If the needs of the baby are warped by a depressed, narcissistic or broken mom, the baby becomes stuck in how they become comforted during distress. [30:30] Suicide manipulation doesn’t aim to kill oneself but to get the attention of others. [33:10] What happens if you have an adult daughter or son trying to kill themselves? What can a parent or loved one do? [36:15] Dr. Rob and Dr. Larry discuss medical treatments available now to help someone going through suicidal thoughts. [39:10] Dr. Larry’s book The Call of Darkness is available on Kindle for free! [41:45] What should you do if you know someone who is suicidal?
RESOURCES: The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency
QUOTES:
| |||
| 18 Jul 2019 | The Rules for Being a Man with Dan Griffin | 00:39:04 | |
Dan Griffin, M.A. is an internationally recognized author, thought leader, and expert who has dedicated his life and work to redefining what it means to be a man in the 21st century. He joins the show this week to talk with Rob about rewriting the rules and rigidity of what it means to really be a man, and the benefits men can get when they get in touch with their own feelings and deeply connect with others.
TAKEAWAYS: [2:57] A few of the rules that the world has set up for boys at a young age to define what makes a real man:
[8:04] A large portion of men find they have no one to talk to or deeply communicate with, and this further creates a disconnection to self and the tendency to shut out others. [11:21] We’re all like fish in the water, feeding off the same environment affecting each other with our actions. When an environment is supportive and fosters growth, it is more likely a man will shine and feel comfortable to show his true self. [12:03] The rules themselves aren’t bad, but get in the way because they mandate without choice. There’s nothing wrong with strength and power, it's rigidity that blocks emotion and connection. [14:43] Gay men have an experience of having multiple rules: ones set up for gay men, women and straight men all at once. [20:38] We would all benefit if men are able to get in touch with their own emotions, and in turn they could access more empathy and understanding when women share their story. [28:02] Crisis can be an opportunity to get vulnerable and open us up to meaningful, deep conversation. [28:39] Each man has the right to choose what type of man he wants to be, which Dan terms as conscious masculinity. [29:44] Men define intimacy via sex, and it is important to talk about breakdowns in the area before it gets to point where the partner cheats. [33:18] With suicide rates being higher than ever, the impact of feeling isolated and disconnected is more serious than it’s ever been. [35:17] We highly benefit when we go below the surface the people in our lives and show them the true authentic selves.
RESOURCES: Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Rob@sexandrelationshiphealing.com A Man’s Way Through Relationships American Psychological Association
QUOTES:
| |||
| 08 Feb 2024 | Part 2: Porn, What’s The Big Deal? with Dr. Sandra Shachar | 00:27:07 | |
Sandra A. Shachar, Ph.D., is a Licensed Psychologist in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, and has over thirty years of clinical experience working with individuals, couples and families affected by Betrayal Trauma. She is also the author of The Porn Solution, which dives into the world of betrayal through porn use and what partners can do to navigate themselves through it. In this episode, Dr. Sandra talks about PTSD, intentional listening to your partner, and how to regain your partner’s trust.
TAKEAWAYS: [1:50] How could I compete with a porn star? [3:40] Women feel like if he’s watching porn, he’s checked out of the relationship. [5:05] Can this sort of betrayal cause PTSD? Dr. Sandra believes so. [11:40] How can you create meaningful dialogue when talking about something so difficult? [14:20] You can create intentional listening while putting ‘guard rails’ on it. [15:25] If your relationship is in crisis right now, it’s going to be okay. It doesn’t mean that’s where you’re going to end up. [19:10] How can you rebuild trust again? [25:30] If you have children, the reason to heal your relationship should be at the forefront of your mind.
RESOURCES: Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss
QUOTES:
| |||
| 30 Apr 2020 | Inside the Mind of a Cheater with Dr. Rob | 00:34:47 | |
Dr. Rob shares some insights on what goes on in the mind of a cheater. Men do not see cheating as big of a betrayal as women do because they have the ability to detach sex from the relationship, whereas a woman will see sex as deeply connected to the relationship and when that breaks, a whole foundation comes down which can take over a year to recover from.
TAKEAWAYS: [2:15] What is considered cheating? Is porn cheating? How about webcamming? How about talking to your exes? [4:05] Cheating is the keeping of profound secrets in an intimate relationship. [5:40] Cheating doesn’t have to be sex, either. You can lie to your spouse about money and that is also considered to be cheating. [7:20] Men, for the most part, have the ability to detach sex from the relationship. [8:45] A man typically doesn’t know how to fully heal their infidelity without professional help. Men just don’t understand women. [11:35] It can take a year or more for a woman to overcome the betrayal and men want to repair the relationship way faster than that. [13:15] Partners are often last to know about their partner’s infidelity. [15:25] What goes on in the mind of a cheater? [19:40] Spouses get caught in a cycle of trying to discover the true infidelity of the cheater because cheaters will only reveal information in steps or based on what you have uncovered. [23:40] Are cheaters narcissists? [29:20] Cheaters cheat because it gives them some form of control. [31:15] Healthy people reach toward people for support and the addict reaches away.
RESOURCES: The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency
QUOTES:
| |||
| 11 Oct 2018 | Addicted to Internet Porn with Noah Church | 00:36:27 | |
Noah Church is an expert, recovery coach, speaker and author of Wack: Addicted to Internet Porn, and evolution of the porn addiction treatment world. Today, he talks about the difference between addiction and dysfunction, his own personal experience and struggle with porn addiction, the ways porn and sex addiction differ, and what he is doing to make a difference.
TAKEAWAYS: [2:12] Noah himself began using porn at age 9. At 24, he realized how much of a negative impact his porn use had on the rest of his life, and knew he had to seek help and change things around. [3:41] In both porn and sex addiction, there is a stigma to fight, and people that need support. In sex addiction, Rob has seen a deep early trauma, and a pervasive intimacy disorder that affects their dating life and general ability to function in any sort of healthy relationship. [5:51] Noah has the perspective of someone that both has gone through porn addiction, and someone that helps others recover in their own struggles. [9:25] When Noah was 18 and in his first long term relationship, he experienced difficulty with sexual intimacy and what he would later learn to be was porn induced erectile dysfunction. The pattern repeated up until Noah had graduated from college, and he confronted the issue and recognized it was something he needed to leave behind. [16:53] It was when Noah watched Gary Wilson’s TEDx talk on “The great porn experiment” that he began an understanding of recovery and a light at the end of the tunnel. He began sharing his experience online, and even shared his experiences with his romantic partner. [21:54] If you were exposed to porn in an excessive way before puberty, it’s going to cause damage. Fetishes typically develop around ages 9-11. [25:25] Noah sees a blurry middle between a sex addict and a porn addict. Some of his clients have a primary porn addiction which has escalated into engaging in destructive sexual behavior, and some have never had sex. [28:12] Virtual Reality porn will present a whole new host of issues and challenges in both porn and sex addiction. While VR may be more addictive than the state of porn now, we will have to wait and see how it affects real life intimacy. [32:37] Only 20 states in the nation offer sex education, and of those 20 states, 12 require parental permission.
RESOURCES Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Wack: Addicted to Internet Porn by Noah B.E. Church The great porn experiment | Gary Wilson | TEDxGlasgow
QUOTES:
| |||
| 16 Apr 2020 | Overcoming the Shame of Porn Addiction & Seeking Help — Dr. Rob Weiss on The Mel Robbins Show | 00:25:45 | |
Dr. Rob went on The Mel Robbins Show with his colleague Noah Church to help a couple work through the man’s porn addiction. Dr. Rob also offered the couple resources they needed to better understand porn addiction after the show. The male partner has felt a lot of regret over his porn use and wants to better understand how to make it stop. His girlfriend is feeling betrayed and doesn’t know where to go from here. Listen in to Dr. Rob’s insight and advice.
TAKEAWAYS: [3:55] The girlfriend is worried about what other lies her boyfriend has told her throughout their 9-year relationship. [6:00] The boyfriend is feeling a lot of shame right now. He has felt like he’s led a double life for a long time. [8:20] How can the couple recover from this? [13:20] If he wants to change, it’s important that he goes to therapy and support groups. [15:40] Noah weighs in as a former porn addict. [16:40] How has Noah been able to live a sober life? [17:35] The boyfriend doesn’t see this as an addiction. He sees the lying as something to be ashamed of, but not the act itself. [19:25] How does addiction impact the brain? [22:00] How can we talk to our children about porn? [23:25] What are some of the signs that your partner might be watching porn? [24:00] Why is porn considered cheating?
RESOURCES: The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency
QUOTES:
| |||
| 13 Jul 2023 | Part 1: Support Groups for Adult Children of Alcoholics with Gary Seidler | 00:40:42 | |
Dr. Rob speaks with Alcohol Counselor Gary Seidler about the long-term effects children experience when living in an alcoholic home. What happens to these children when they become older? Should children know about their parent’s substance abuse and sex addiction issues? And what should adult children be aware of now that they’re no longer in an alcoholic home? All these questions and more are answered on this week’s podcast.
TAKEAWAYS: [3:55] A little bit about Gary and his work in the mental health field. [5:55] Why did Gary pursue this work with adult children of alcoholics? [12:00] What are the symptoms of these adult children who grew up around or in alcoholic homes? [16:30] Why was there such a need for young adults of alcoholics to have a rooms program? [21:10] Addiction is a family issue. No one is truly suffering alone. [22:20] Gary shares some of the people he admires over the years that have done great things in this field. [24:30] In the early days of these adult children of alcoholic conferences, it was the first time some of these people could voice their pain and hurt with others who also understood. [25:20] Addiction is passed on generationally. It doesn’t just stop at the addict. [30:10] Remember, going into rehab is only the beginning of your rehab journey. [31:25] Gary shares his own personal experience with addiction and recovery. [37:25] What does recovery mean to Gary?
RESOURCES: Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss
QUOTES:
| |||
| 24 Sep 2020 | You have such a pretty face! Women, Trauma Food & Addiction with Kelley Gunter | 00:37:22 | |
Kelley Gunter is an internationally acclaimed speaker, life coach, and author of the memoir, You Have Such a Pretty Face. She is a survivor, emotional warrior, and a woman in recovery who is unafraid to tell her truth. She went through a 243lb weight loss journey and opens up about her multiple addictions in this week's episode. If she can get through to the other side, so can you.
TAKEAWAYS: [2:05] For many women, it's very hard to tell their truth due to society's expectations of them. [3:35] Kelley shares why now is the perfect time to share her truth and her story. [4:05] Kelley made a promise to God that if she could get past this dark time in her life, she will use her voice to empower others. [6:15] When Kelley was 400lb, people would often tell her it was 'such a shame' she was so overweight because 'she had such a pretty face'. It killed her soul every time she heard that. [7:40] When trying to give a compliment, drop out the qualifier. Just say you're pretty! [9:10] Kelley shares her experiences on what it was like to be 'that fat girl'. [11:25] A lot of women end up consciously gaining a large amount of weight because it makes them feel safe and keeps an arm's distance away from men. Kelley shares her thoughts on this. [12:45] How does someone gain 400lb? [14:45] Our pain speaks to us in different languages. [21:10] Kelley was terribly insecure and would often try to buy everybody’s love. [23:50] Most of our addictions don’t come up as ‘just one thing’. It’s a host of issues. [24:45] Kelley’s gambling issues brought everything and her whole life to her knees. [26:30] Kelley knew she wasn’t a bad person, she was a broken person. We all make mistakes, but we aren’t our mistakes. [31:40] Remember, tomorrow is a new day. [34:45] Kelley talks about her upcoming second book.
RESOURCES: The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Connect with Kelley: Kelleygunter.com Kelley’s book: You Have Such a Pretty Face
QUOTES:
| |||
| 10 May 2018 | Focusing on the Partner with Marnie Breecker | 00:37:51 | |
Finding out your partner is a sex addict and that everything you have believed to be previously true is a lie can be devastating, traumatic and isolating to say the least. Often times most partners are embarrassed and shameful, thinking they did something to cause the addict’s bad behavior. Today our special guest, Marnie Breecker, explains more on the partner’s point of view. Marnie is a Psychotherapist, Marriage and Family Counselor, Certified Sex Addiction Therapist, Certified Clinical Partners Specialist, and Founder and Clinical Director for the Center of Relational Healing. She talks with Rob about the typical emotional patterns she sees in both parties when dealing with sex addiction, how she helps them get help, and why specialized treatment is so important.
TAKEAWAYS: [2:02] Anger, shock, confusion and an overall crisis in all areas of life. Usually, the anger is directed at first towards their partner, and then as the situation unfolds the anger also spreads to their partner’s family and friends that knew their partner was acting out. [4:39] The partner usually has a conflict where they want to help the person they love, but their own anger and fear creates a barrier. [10:48] After the initial stabilization of help, the partner’s anger surfaces not only in regards to the event(s) of addiction but the fact that they feel all of the attention and support has gone to the person with the addiction. [13:30] Working with partners is often seen as a daunting task for therapists. They usually are a sign of acting crazy or unbalanced, but really this is a human that is in the midst of an actual trauma and has usually been denied their own intuition. [21:19] When you are living a lie as an addict, you have the control when you get to decide what truth your partner hears. One of the hardest thing for the addict to realize is that once the spouse uncovers the truth, they are in control. [23:28] Specialized treatment is so important to discern whether someone is an addict and to delineate what type of treatment is appropriate. [28:40] When a couple comes in dealing with sex addiction and/or confidentiality, the first thing Marnie does is assess what measures must be taken for their physical safety. Next, she helps the partner try to find a community of support to deal with their own trauma of the unfortunate outside circumstance.
RESOURCES | |||
| 24 Jan 2019 | The Paradox of Intimacy and Hurt with Dr. Leon Seltzer | 00:31:30 | |
Dr. Leon Seltzer joins the show today to speak about his work in intimate relationships, early wounding and healing, and the paradoxical relationship of intimacy and independence. He and Rob also discuss how defensive behavior and betrayal mirrors the world of addiction and the role that a family attachment bond later has on picking relationship partners. Dr. Seltzer describes the qualities he sees in couples able to work their way through great difficulties, and what seems to be missing in those unable to overcome betrayal.
TAKEAWAYS: [1:07] Dr. Leon Seltzer has two doctorates, one in English, and the second in Psychology. He is also a prolific blogger for Psychology Today, and has written over 400 articles for the website which have resulted in over 30 million views. [3:24] Those that grew up without a secure attachment bond to their family may have a tougher time trusting their partner. When people aren’t secure within themselves, they are in self protection mode rather than truly able to feel vulnerable. [6:09] A child needs to feel that they can be themselves in their relationship, and yet secure enough to go out on their own and develop self confidence without their parents. [9:49] In order for people to really know us and connect with us on an authentic level, we must pursue an intimate relationship that also includes us being independent. The paradox is that to be completely intimate, we must be able to be independent. [12:03] We want to give the wounded partners time and space to feel angry, hurt, and betrayed, but if they decide to stay in the relationship there is a certain point where the punishing becomes detrimental to moving forward and healing. [15:13] Emotional resourcefulness, empathy without shaming, and ability to express vulnerability are key traits that Dr. Seltzer sees in couples that are able to work through betrayal. The partner acting out must recognize how their behavior has hurt their partner. They also must endure guilt deep enough that they really get how much harm they have done to the other person, so much so that it is unthinkable to do it again. [18:54] If the acting out is due to fear, the partner acting out must learn ways to make them feel less ashamed without going back into the addictive process. [21:08] A large part of betrayed partners healing is recognizing their own behaviors that may be in place to distract or disengage from their own emotions, and to have more compassion for avoidance and defensive behaviors. [25:36] It is common for couples dealing with infidelity to be so focused on the betrayal that they miss opportunities for growth and connection beyond the hurt. You can never get trust back fully right away, rather by degrees in a process that takes time.
RESOURCES: Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Rob@sexandrelationshiphealing.com Paradoxical Strategies in Psychotherapy Psychology Today: Leon Seltzer
QUOTES:
| |||
| 29 Oct 2020 | BONUS: Q&A with Rob & Tami - You Can’t Fix Your Partner, You Can Only Work on Your Addiction and Your Healing | 00:33:38 | |
Rob and Tami discuss how to best keep boundaries with your mother, how to work through betrayal as a betrayed spouse in a way that encourages your addict to be honest with you, and Rob explains how sexuality works and why you might be attracted to men vs. not.
TAKEAWAYS: [0:45] How can I communicate my boundaries without making it into a threat? [7:25] There are three rules you want to keep in mind when you want to make it work and there’s been a betrayal in the relationship. Dr. Rob explains. [9:50] How do I set boundaries with my mother who subjected me to covert incest? [15:05] Can a man be bi or gay without being sexually aroused by male bodies? [21:45] My wife caught me and is now hypersensitive to stress. How long will this last? [28:20] My boyfriend has a porn addiction. What’s next?
RESOURCES: Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Book by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction by Robert Weiss Cruise Control Book by Robert Weiss
QUOTES:
| |||
| 20 Jul 2023 | Part 2: Support Groups for Adult Children of Alcoholics with Gary Seidler | 00:39:19 | |
Dr. Rob speaks with Alcohol Counselor Gary Seidler about the long-term effects children experience when living in an alcoholic home. Gary and Dr. Rob talks about trauma, the importance of storytelling and the ability to vocalize some of your unique experiences with addiction, and they offer clarification on what is considered a true addiction in this week’s episode.
TAKEAWAYS: [2:45] At the root of every addiction, there is some form of trauma. [4:25] What is the difference between big T and little T trauma? [7:30] More and more people are talking about the traumas they grew up with. [9:40] How do you know if you have an addiction? Isn’t technically everything an addiction? [14:00] Children of alcoholics are completely focused on the other person. [14:45] Gary is currently writing a book for adult children of sex addicts. What are some of the similarities/differences Gary sees among this group? [17:20] Adult children of sex addicts often carry a lot of shame about their own sexual behavior and sexuality. [19:30] These adult children have a very unique lens of extremes. Gary expands on what this means. [22:10] How do these adult children deal with intimacy? [23:30] With the internet, you’re just one click away from seeing whatever sexual content you want. [26:45] Unfortunately, young children are learning about sex from porn. [31:05] Are you sure you don’t need help? Remember that denial is the enemy. [33:30] Sex addiction feels so personal to the family even though it’s not the spouse or children’s fault. [36:05] Your internal shame can slowly go away by talking about it in a support group.
RESOURCES: Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss
QUOTES:
| |||
| 22 Aug 2019 | When Does Cheating End a Relationship? With Dr. Jennifer Schneider | 00:26:44 | |
Dr. Jennifer Schneider, M.D., PhD, is a nationally recognized expert in addictive sexual disorders and in the management of chronic pain with opioids, an area that certainly needs more exposure. She joins the show to talk about what happens when a betrayed partner feels as though they want to end the relationship and a few real-life examples of why someone may want to leave for good. She gives her own personal experience with the subject and discusses the personal growth that needs to occur in order for someone to walk away. She and Rob also discuss the books they have written together, the importance of support groups, and resources for betrayed partners experiencing trauma.
TAKEAWAYS: [1:57] Dr. Schneider is the author of 15 books and numerous articles in professional journals. She and Rob also have written two together, including Closer Together, Further Apart and Always Turned On. [4:00] Dr. Schneider was a betrayed partner herself and discusses the self confidence and awareness she developed to get clarity and realize she was ready to leave the situation. [5:26] Betrayed partners need support, and they have to be okay with the independence and inner work that comes with leaving a situation that no longer serves them. [13:15] The partner that acted out may have a totally different story after recovery than while they are in a mode of lying and cheating. It is possible that partners will find out later that there are even more lies than they thought, and they have to decide whether they want to stick around to make that distinction or not. [15:48] Dr. Schneider found that things shifted for her own personal relationship once she was able to understand the patterns and behavior of her then husband. She took a first step by going to Al-Anon, and began to get the skills and self esteem to build up her own self confidence. [18:10] There is power in support from others. Dr. Schneider has found it very beneficial to attend support groups and found the benefits one of the biggest gifts in healing. [21:55] Betrayed partners are going through a major trauma, but Dr. Schneider doesn’t see them as solely a victim. [24:02] By healing our own wounds we become less needy and vulnerable, and are able to make better decisions intellectually about love.
RESOURCES: Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Rob@sexandrelationshiphealing.com Closer Together, Further Apart
QUOTES:
| |||
| 02 Jan 2020 | Women Experience Porn Addiction Too with Lacy A. Bentley | 00:29:44 | |
Lacy A. Bentley is the Founder and CEO of Women United Recovery Coalition, an organization dedicated to raising awareness of female pornography addiction. She is the author of Addicted to Love, an international bestseller, and is currently collaborating with Dr. Rob on a book about sex addiction. Lacy shares some of her thoughts on why so many women feel like they have to hide in shame because of this addiction and how this addiction gets developed in the first place.
TAKEAWAYS: [2:25] How did Lacy get into this line of work? [4:05] What does it mean that women ‘don’t have’ porn issues? We are ignoring a huge population here! [5:15] Female security is changing. Women are becoming much more visual. The porn industry has been marketing to women since at least the early 90s. [7:45] For some women, porn addiction is very real. They become compulsive with it. [13:00] Women suffering from porn addiction experience a deeper level of shame compared to their male counterparts. [14:15] When you say addiction doesn’t exist, you make people who are experiencing very real feelings feel invalided and shamed. It takes away their hope. [15:45] Every woman is different. Why they get addicted to porn it is often for very different and varied circumstances. [22:00] There is an important distinction between determining whether porn addiction is real or whether the person just has some guilty feelings come up from watching porn. How does Lacy help her clients realize it’s an addiction vs. not? [25:25] Why do some women struggle with porn and others don’t? [28:15] Feel free to reach out to Lacy if you have any questions!
RESOURCES: The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency
Email Lacy: Lacy@HerRecoveryRoadmap.com Addicted to Love: Recovery, Empowerment and Finding Your True Self by Lacy Alajna Bentley Women United Recovery Coalition on Facebook Women, Sex, and Addiction: A Search for Love and Power by Charlotte S. Kasl
QUOTES:
| |||
| 16 Jan 2020 | Understanding ACE’s (Adverse Childhood Experiences) with Dr. Tian Dayton | 00:36:42 | |
Dr. Tian Dayton is a Senior Fellow at The Meadows and she has also authored 15 books on the subject of recovery, trauma, addiction, and more. Dr. Tian is the director of the New York Psychodrama Training Institute and served on the faculty at NYU for eight years as a psychodrama teacher. In Dr. Tian’s latest book, The Soulful Journey of Recovery, she says that “All of us who have been touched, directly or indirectly, by chemical or behavioral addictions and related mental health disorders can benefit from this continuing journey of self-awareness and recovery.”
TAKEAWAYS: [2:25] What is sociometry and how does it help patients? [4:15] Who should read Dr. Tian’s book, The Soulful Journey of Recovery? [6:35] Finally, people are finally realizing that trauma is a medical problem! [7:30] Dr. Rob shares an example of how childhood trauma carries over into adult life. [11:20] When we run into the ability to have our needs met, we also run into all of our fears. [12:30] Dr. Tian wants to tell couples not to worry about years of unrest. It’s to be expected! [15:35] Children are unable to psychologically see their parents failing. They blame themselves and this is where a lot of shame and low self-esteem come from. [16:55] Do you keep picking unavailable people? [18:55] Dr. Tian recommends to use the book but to also go into a 12-step program. They’re free! [19:25] As a therapist, Dr. Tian believes 52% of the work has already been done the moment you walk through the door. [23:25] Our biggest challenge we’re facing today is our lack of community. [30:45] Isolation is how you punish people. When it happens in your home, it becomes incredibly hard to detect where the true trauma happens. [31:00] How can couples overcome their childhood traumas? [33:30] Sense of self can get lost in the relationship as you get closer, but if you let go of that fear, you end up having a stronger self.
RESOURCES: The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency The Soulful Journey of Recovery by Dr. Tian Dayton
QUOTES:
| |||
| 04 Apr 2019 | About Disclosure with Mari Lee | 00:36:07 | |
Mari Lee is an author of best-selling books Facing Heartbreak and Healing Betrayal, speaker, and LMFT, a Sex Addiction Therapist, Specialist, and Supervisor. She also is the founder of Growth Counseling Services and Shine Women’s Retreat. She talks with Rob about what it is like to be a woman in her job working with both partners and addicts healing from betrayal, and how she helps her clients feel heard, resources for hope and healing, and why she loves working with addicts.
TAKEAWAYS: [2:37] Mari didn’t always want to work with sex addicts. When she came into the work, her passion was about supporting traumatized partners. There wasn’t a lot of support or knowledge about working with betrayed partners, and much of it was based in codependency rather than prodependence. [4:31] Mari began to understand that the choices the addict was making had little to nothing to do with their partner. [7:25] Mari does a lot of psychoeducation with her clients about what is going on in the limbic and nervous systems. [8:55] If a partner grows up in an environment where there is shaming and much negativity, hiding and deceit become coping mechanisms and they develop a core belief that they are unloveable. Their actions then reinforce that behavior, and they need to first get help for the relationship they have with themselves. [13:18] It is often more difficult for the partner who has to look at their spouse as troubled because they want to have empathy but they are so hurt, shocked and angry. [16:45] The disclosure process, or “clinical formal disclosure” can be a very painful and traumatic time. This is a very thorough process where the addict and partner agree to come into a sacred healing space to disclose all the betrayals and hidden secrets. [17:43] Over time, a partner that is being gaslighted feels fear, obligation, and guilt. One of the most healing tools is for the addict to work with a therapist and give their partner full disclosure and truth, and the power to decide if they want to continue the relationship. [26:45] Mari wrote Facing Heartbreak for partners who can’t afford to see a therapist, or are unable to see one due to logistics, insurance or financial means. [30:14] Mari refers to her clients as survivors and thrive-rs. They may be scared at first, but she helps them move away from the idea of victimization and towards empowerment and understanding how to set tangible boundaries.
RESOURCES: Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Rob@sexandrelationshiphealing.com
QUOTES:
| |||
| 04 Feb 2021 | BONUS: Q&A with Rob & Tami - Can Betrayed Spouses be Addicts Too? | 00:34:33 | |
Rob and Tami talk about codependency and why the term actually shames betrayed partners, not supports them. They also dive into some of the misconceptions people have about the partners of addicts. In this week’s episode, they share how you can find a therapist that understands you and what you’re going through, and doesn’t shame you.
TAKEAWAYS: [0:25] Is it a good sign my addict is apologizing or is this a manipulation tactic? [2:15] Dr. Rob, are you offering partner meetings? [3:50] Can codependency delay the addict’s recovery? [8:00] Your partner stays with you because they love you! Not because they love your addictions! [9:10] I can’t find a CSAT in my area. What should I do? [12:50] My therapist told me I am addicted to my sex-addicted partner. Can betrayed spouses be addicts too? [17:35] What have been some of the biggest changes Dr. Rob sees from the people leaving his treatment center? [21:25] When addicts go through treatment and realize the damage they’ve caused, they become afraid that their spouses will leave them. [24:45] I am struggling to understand addiction. Why do people do it? [29:30] Do addicts have moments of clarity?
RESOURCES: Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Book by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction by Robert Weiss Cruise Control Book by Robert Weiss
QUOTES
| |||
| 10 Mar 2022 | Eight Steps Toward Restoring Love, Sex and Intimacy with Dr. Janis Rozler | 00:40:06 | |
Dr. Janis Roszler is a licensed marriage and family therapist, board-certified sex therapist, registered/licensed dietitian, master-level addiction professional (MCAP), and award-winning medical media producer. She is currently an instructor at the International Institute of Clinical Sexology and has a private therapy practice in Miami, Florida. In this episode, she talks about intimacy more than just being sexual. She shares seven different types of intimacy that don’t necessarily lead into the bedroom and the value of taking time off from being sexual with your partner.
TAKEAWAYS: [1:50] A little bit about Dr. Janice and where she and Dr. Rob got connected. [3:35] Intimacy is not only sexual. Dr. Janice talks about the other seven types of intimacy. [5:40] How can affection be different from the affection you have for a friend? [7:25] Dr. Janice also shares what physical activities partners can do together that are not sexual. [10:45] What is spiritual connection? [11:30] Dr. Rob shares what intellectual connection means for him and his husband. [12:25] Another way to connect is social. Dr. Janice explains further. [13:20] Emotional connection is when you share your feelings about something. Dr. Janice talks about “I” statements when sharing your feelings. [16:05] These other areas of intimacy can help you grow your sex life. Dr. Janice explains how. [19:20] Can people with differences come together in a passionate way without disagreement? [23:20] Relationships are not magic. Dr. Janice shares the ups and downs of her 40-year marriage. [26:15] Sensuality vs sexuality. Dr. Janice tells the difference. [29:45] How do you get to sex by not having sex? Dr. Janice talks about the value of couples not being sexual for a period of time. [30:33] Addiction vs yearning. How do you differentiate the two? [35:33] Dr. Janice summarizes the eight types of intimacy and how to use them to connect with your partner.
RESOURCES: Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency
QUOTES:
| |||
| 23 May 2019 | Money, Power, and Sex with Debra Kaplan | 00:36:39 | |
Debra Kaplan, MA, LPC, LISAC, CMAT, CSAT-S specializes in helping adults and adolescents overcome addictions, issues related to sex and love, relationship struggles and unresolved traumatic stress. Today she shares information on how sex, money, and power play a role in addiction, what her experience was like working in the heavily male-dominated environment of Wall Street, what monetized rage is, and the first steps one must take in order to break free of the need for external validation to feel worthy and safe.
TAKEAWAYS: [3:35] Although we do see abuse of sex and power in a large public forum, it can also happen in subtle ways. It may even be hard to notice that one is being abused, and not always understood by the one being controlled. [5:16] Monetized rage speaks to the monetary exploitation of one individual by another. It can be an exchange of sex for money, cutting off funds, or only giving funds when a certain monetary need is met. [6:20] There is a self centeredness that exists with sexual exploitation. It can take place when there is a power differential, at any level of income and any demographic, age or gender. [12:46] It is almost a universal experience that women have to put on some type of armor to just exist in a culture where remarks and suggestive behavior run rampant. [17:22] Women gear up to protect themselves one way or another in subtle ways. This can look like dressing down at work intentionally, or trying to also be overtly sexual to deflect unwanted attention. [23:09] The greatest factors that negatively impact relationships and cause divorce are finance and work stresses, and cheating / infidelity. Debra works on helping couples realize their individual value, and what each of them bring to make the relationship better. [27:40] In a culture that thrives on showing off money, sex, and power, it is imperative for people to know their self worth as a human individual. [32:41] Social media has given us a 24/7 access to keep up with the Joneses, so it’s important to know that it’s just a highlight reel of people’s lives, and there is much under the surface we don’t see.
RESOURCES: Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Rob@sexandrelationshiphealing.com Debra Kaplan Counseling Facebook Debra Kaplan Counseling LinkedIn Decades After ‘Boom Boom Room’ Suit, Bias Persists for Women
QUOTES:
| |||
| 25 Apr 2018 | Welcome to Sex, Love and Addiction with Dr. Rob! | 00:31:31 | |
Welcome to Sex, Love and Addiction 101! Your host, Rob Weiss, is a licensed therapist, sexologist and author of numerous books on sex, relationships and addiction. This podcast is a way to discuss these topics in frank and informative ways. Rob will talk with everyone from experts from around the world to regular people just looking to make their relationships better.
In today’s episode, Rob breaks down what sex addiction is, and isn’t. He also discusses the recovery of sex and love addiction, and resources on ways to further expand your education on the topic.
TAKEAWAYS [1:17] Sex addiction is a repetitive pattern of using sexual fantasy and behavior as a way to escape difficult feelings or emotions. It is a lifelong struggle, and is not the same thing as sexual orientation or gender identity. [6:29] Rob equates a sex addiction to an eating disorder in the way that we have a primal need, but it can become disruptive and harmful to our normal lives. [8:44] The life of a sex addict ends up being a double life, and many times affection and connection is compartmentalized away from intensity, fantasy and stimulation. [11:36] It is rarely about the partner, and addicts may try to blame their spouse to take some of the distractions away from their own compulsion and need for recovery. [14:19] Sex addicts have a responsibility to work on themselves, get support and commit to recovery. [16:02] Real love is knowing someone fully, and accepting them fully as they are. It takes about two years to truly know and understand who someone is. The love addict looks for these experiences with blinders on to soothe and mask their loneliness, obsession and emptiness. [19:44] Rob explains how sex and love use pleasure to escape reality, and how Intermittent Reinforcement is used to perpetuate this behavior and lose focus of the reality of the situation. [23:55] Being a sex addict does not excuse the behavior, but does mean there is a lot of work to be done in order to clean up their act.
RESOURCES | |||
| 20 Apr 2023 | Part 1: Dr. Jessica Higgins: How Do You Learn to Forgive? | 00:28:28 | |
After a huge betrayal, it can be nearly impossible to come back to the center and find forgiveness. Some couples are ready to move forward and to forgive, but they keep getting stuck in the negative patterns of their betrayal, hurt, and distrust. Is there a healthy way to move forward? Should you even forgive in the first place? Dr. Jessica Higgins is a licensed Psychologist with two graduate degrees in psychology. She explains how you can move through these emotions and reach a place of repair within your relationship in this week’s episode.
TAKEAWAYS: [2:00] A little bit about Dr. Jessica. [4:55] How do you help someone find peace after a deep betrayal? [8:45] There is no guarantee around not being betrayed. [10:35] It’s a different feeling when someone shows up to the relationship with intentionally vs. passivity. [14:00] How do you move a couple forward from being stuck in a place of anger? [18:45] Would it be helpful for the addict to explain their childhood to their partner? [23:35] When will the betrayed spouse forgive me? [25:40] Some people feel like if they remain resentful, they’re teaching the other person a lesson.
RESOURCES: Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss
QUOTES:
| |||
| 11 Jul 2019 | Sex and the Law with Ian Friedman | 00:35:11 | |
Ian Friedman is one of the most sought after criminal defense lawyers in the country, and a partner at the Cleveland based firm Friedman and Nemecek. He joins the show to talk with Rob about the diverse nature of cases that he takes on, including criminal, cyber crimes and white collar manners. He talks about the law needing to catch up with the new crimes we are presently dealing with, and how sexually based charges fall within one of the toughest areas of law. Ian discusses how he and his clients deal with the potential major stigmas and penalties attached, and resources available to people who want to discover more.
TAKEAWAYS: [1:04] Based in Cleveland, Ohio, Ian Friedman has served as chief legal counsel on behalf of individuals and entities from coast to coast and as far as Europe, Asia, and South America. In addition to his legal work, he is also an Adjunct Professor of Law at the Cleveland-Marshall College of Law teaching Computers & Criminal Law. [2:38] Despite handling countless murder cases, people look at those that are merely charged with offenses with a hefty amount of judgement and paint the term “sex offenders” with a very wide stroke. To Ian, a sex offender can be many things on a broad spectrum. For example, it can be at 19 year old engaging in a sexual relationship with a girlfriend that is 16, or as far as people exploiting children, or engaging in non consensual physical acts with adults or minors. [4:37] Ian has taught about cyber crime since 2006, and it all changes so fast that it is necessary to talk about present cases in order to even catch up. Cyber crime examples can be online exploitation, hacking, third party intrusions, crypto currency offenses, online stalking and any sort of online financial crimes. He teaches his students to be able to both educate while still showing respect for the bench. [7:49] The Fourth Amendment touches about people’s right to privacy and prohibits unreasonable searches and seizures. This has also shifted and expanded a great deal as more and more cases deal with uncovering things within a people’s computer and search history. [9:53] Misdemeanors could (all jurisdictions are different) be anything from soliciting prostitutes, exhibisionism, etc. These carry very harsh consequences of embarrassment, loss of relationships and work. [13:02] Our laws are not caught up to technology, and we are using dated laws to fit new offenses in. There is a lack of understanding, and Ian believes it’s not always law itself but the sentencing of that law. [17:55] Charges on sexual offending also have one of the highest rates of false allegations because there can be ulterior motives. This stresses the importance of taking into account the motivations behind an accusation. [21:17] When Ian meets with a client for the first time, they are often terrified and mortified. Ian lets them know there is no judgement. He also has set up a network of former clients and family members to help support the new client. Treatment and rehab are not the final step, but more like an important step in the right direction. [30:11] Due to the strong stigma and penalties associated with accusations of this nature, it is so critical to work with people who have expertise in this particular area of the law.
RESOURCES: Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Rob@sexandrelationshiphealing.com American Board Criminal Lawyers Cleveland-Marshall College of Law
QUOTES:
| |||
| 16 May 2019 | Healing Trauma and Addiction through Connection with Andrew Susskind | 00:34:51 | |
Rob is joined with colleague and friend Andrew Susskind in today’s episode to talk about the issues that surround recovery and healing. They discuss what to expect during recovery, and where some may still be stuck even if they are moving forward. Andrew is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, a Somatic Experiencing Practitioner, Brainspotting Practitioner and Certified Group Psychotherapist. They also discuss his book It’s Not About the Sex, Andrew’s work with the nervous system, and the resources available to help others understand themselves.
TAKEAWAYS: [4:02] Addiction, in general, is typically based in broken-heartedness and feeling unworthy. This could be something from someone’s past or early developmental trauma that gets them into a pattern where they are seeking to fill the “hole in the soul” with addictive compulsive behavior. [7:39] It’s a double problem between the shame that the addiction brings, and the actual feelings that cause the addiction in the first place. [10:50] Unless there is real help offered in the early stages, it is common for people to act out what has been done to them. Once there is some kind of abuse or trauma where our nervous system has trouble balancing, it can feel like anxiety, panic, or dissociation. [14:15] Andrew helps his clients with somatic awareness to understand more about what’s happening in the body including thoughts, memories, and sensations. When he discovered this work, it opened up a whole new level of questions to get down to the core of the information coming from their body. [18:02] As a social worker, it is Andrew’s job to help people find help and healing despite how much money and time they have. [21:12] We are biologically hardwired for connection, and true recovery lies in being able to feel loveable, desirable, and worthy of others believing in us. [22:49] Some of the themes that Andrew addresses in It’s Not About the Sex have to do with grief, shame, narcissism, emotional sobriety, regulating the nervous system, and knowing there will be stumbling and fumbling along the way. [24:49] Connection is important, but having people that are emotionally dependable who can be there in a meaningful and deep way is crucial. [29:12] It takes two whole people to come together and make a really meaningful relationship and true emotional contentment. [30:56] For some it’s about trusting others, and some people may want to feel safe in the world. It comes down to each person experiencing intimacy or a meaningful connection in their life, whatever it means to them.
RESOURCES: Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Rob@sexandrelationshiphealing.com It's Not about the Sex: Moving from Isolation to Intimacy After Sexual Addiction
QUOTES:
| |||
| 04 Jan 2024 | BONUS: Why Should I Write Down All My Anger and Hurt? | 00:33:01 | |
Dr. Rob and Tami talk about the healing properties a journal practice can have. A listener wrote that her therapist wants her to journal out the resentment and anger that her SA has caused her, but the mere thought of doing this gets her re-triggered and angry all over again. Is there really a point to all of this aside from re-remembering the betrayal?
TAKEAWAYS: [:25] My SA husband’s entire family has suffered from some sort of sexual addiction or abuse. Is all of this hereditary? [8:30] How can intermittent reward cause or enhance relationship addiction? [16:15] What’s the point of writing my betrayal down? I feel so angry just thinking about it. [18:50] If you have a lot of anger inside you, a journal practice can be very healing. [19:45] My addict is weaseling out of our initial agreement. What should I do? [26:05] If you’re not doing the work, then it doesn’t matter what you say or do. [26:15] He’s sober but still can’t be intimate with me. He says he feels shame. Is this just an excuse?
RESOURCES: Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com | |||
| 21 Dec 2023 | BONUS: Am I Just Having Fun, or Is This a Full-Blown Addiction? | 00:33:17 | |
Dr. Rob and Tami break down the gray area between just having fun, being “at-risk” for an addiction, and being a full-blown addict. It can be difficult to define the line fully when you’re in the middle of a “good time.” Dr. Rob offers various considerations for you to think about to determine whether you’re barely teetering the line or if you’re in a bad and unsustainable place.
TAKEAWAYS: [:35] I believe my partner is a narcissist and a sex addict. He’s hurting me but I can’t seem to walk away. How can I just leave him? [8:40] Have a three-circle plan! You need a healthy plan that will value you. [10:50] Can you become addicted to friendships? [15:50] My betrayed partner doesn’t believe me anymore, even when I’m telling her the truth. Do I just agree with her? [22:30] Is there an in-between stage where someone can be between “at-risk” for an addiction vs. being a complete addict? [26:55] Do I need to do yet another formal disclosure with my addict? We just don’t have the money for another therapist right now.
RESOURCES: Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss
| |||
| 28 Jun 2018 | Redemption and Recovery with Tom Ryan | 00:36:20 | |
Today’s topic is one of the most important, yet least covered subjects matter in sex addiction - redemption. Rob is joined by special guest Tom Ryan to talk about recovery, hope, the dichotomy of holding a position of power and prestige when dealing with an addiction, and when it’s okay to not get it right the first time, or the second. Tom is a spiritual community leader, father, husband and has much to share on the struggles of living a hidden life of denial and escapism. Tom is the author of Ashamed No More, and is Founding and Executive Director of Living Integrated, an organization that helps individuals with compulsive sexual behaviors find hope and healing by integrating their spirituality with healthy recovery practices.
TAKEAWAYS: [2:10] Tom attended the University of Missouri and earned a bachelor’s degree in education. He got involved with a youth ministry at a local church, and that led him to follow his divine calling to professional ministry. His life was a true dichotomy between spirituality, religion and the struggle of a compulsive sexual addiction. [7:45] Sex addiction can escalate and grow. Tom found himself continuously drawing the line of his boundaries further away from his morals, and then feeling the guilt and shame that came along with the emptiness and loneliness of living a secret addicted life. There is a tendency to call someone a hypocrite, liar or fraud instead of someone that is deeply struggling with painful issues. [11:14] Tom found help and visited a therapist, who recommended the book Out of the Shadows by Dr. Patrick Carnes. He cites the experience of discovering this work as “breathtaking”, because it showed him that he wasn’t alone, and he wasn’t a failure. [15:39] Tom and Rob discuss the disconnection and isolation that comes with addiction. Much like eating potato chips when you are hungry, you are satisfying an urge with an impulse that in the long run isn’t good or healthy for you, and doesn’t make you any less hungry than when you first started. [16:45] Tom and his therapist worked together to help Tom find a trusted friend to listen to his real story, and one who he could share his vulnerability with, and who would show up for Tom. [21:06] Tom shares how he came out to his wife as an addict, and the impact the disclosure had on his healing and marriage. Years later, Tom learned a lot, progressed through his treatment, but still felt ashamed that he didn’t have sustained sobriety, and his public persona didn’t honor who he was privately. [28:27] Tom hit his lowest point in 2008 when he was arrested. He felt ashamed that he had already been in treatment and been out as an addict to his loved ones, and still was acting out. [31:56] Many of the other faith leaders both Rob and Tom have worked with hold a sincere motivation to help others and follow their calling, but are stuck in the negative loop of their addiction, and often find it even harder to get help due to their elevated position. [32:02] In addition to Tom coming back on the show, there is a possibility of “Tom’s Corner” on Rob’s website, Sex and Relationship Healing. This will be a safe space for religious leaders and workers to connect with others and talk about their addiction, no matter what point of it they are currently at.
RESOURCES Sex Addiction 101 Mark Salling Out of the Shadows by Dr. Patrick Carnes
QUOTES:
| |||
| 26 Sep 2019 | The Difference Between Addiction and Physical Dependence with Dr. Jennifer Schneider, M.D., PhD | 00:31:53 | |
Dr. Jennifer Schneider, M.D., PhD, is a nationally recognized author and expert in both the management of chronic pain with opioids and in addictive sexual disorders. She returns to the show to talk about the important topic of the difference between addiction and physical dependence, and what each experience looks like in terms of diagnosis and treatment. Dr. Schneider also talks about what physical dependence is, the signs of addiction, and why the two continue to get confused. Dr. Schneider and Rob also discuss how we can manage situations as consumers truly looking for effective pain management, and provide resources where people can learn more and reach out for further help.
TAKEAWAYS: [4:53] Dr. Schneider defines physical dependence as the drug-producing a change in your body as a response to no longer taking the drug. [6:48] When you stop taking a drug suddenly, you will not only experience withdrawal symptoms resulting from your physical dependence, but you will likely also resume the symptoms responsible for taking the medication in the first place. [8:20] Opioids have two different effects. One is that they cause physical dependence, or your body’s response of adapting to them. The other is they cause addiction. [9:55] There is a misunderstanding when using the term “chemically dependent” and referring only to an addict. Physical dependency happens to everyone that is on an opioid after a few days, and the body adjusts to the prescribed dosage. [13:42] Dr. Schneider categorizes addiction into these following descriptions:
[19:48] Although it is harder than ever to get a prescription for opioids to manage pain, the drug-related overdose deaths are at an all-time high. This is for many reasons, one being that now people are starting to get their drugs on the street, leading to them taking drugs that could be mixed with dangerous and even lethal substances. [22:14] There have also been some findings that opioids may treat depression and anxiety, and people may find themselves feeling better not only because their pain is treated, but their mood may be better than ever. [26:10] Tolerance is still a concept that there is much misunderstanding about. With opioids, some side effects people develop a tolerance to, and some people continue to have the same effects. Dr. Schneider shares a personal story on how pain isn’t the same due to the disease progression, not the opioids.
RESOURCES: Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Rob@sexandrelationshiphealing.com The 5 Most Misunderstood Terms in Pain Medicine
QUOTES:
| |||
| 30 Nov 2023 | Discover and Connect with Your Own Inner Voice Again with Lucy Beresford | 00:53:34 | |
Lucy Beresford hosts LBC Radio’s Sex and Relationships show and she’s the author of 4 books, including the global best-seller Happy Relationships. She works as a psychotherapist at The Grace Clinic, London and from time to time at The Delhi Psychiatry Centre in India under Dr. Sunil Mittal. In this episode, Lucy talks about refinding your voice again after a betrayal, how to create a deeper connection with a partner, and what are the steps forward if you continue to stay in a marriage that had a betrayal in it.
TAKEAWAYS: [5:00] Lucy shares a time where she lost her voice and had to rediscover it again. [6:10] How can you show up for yourself? How can you own your own voice? [7:30] What does Lucy mean to ‘have a voice’? [10:15] It’s very hard for women who have experienced betrayal to have a voice. [12:10] When women get into relationships, their sense of self often gets drowned out. [19:40] It’s so hard to stay committed to someone when you’ve had a small fight; much less a betrayal. [24:50] Unfortunately for addicts, they’ve hurt their best friend and partner and so they can not depend on this person (right now) for emotional support. [31:10] What do we unwillingly enable in someone else because of our own baggage and history? [34:35] You’ve consciously chosen to stay, now what? [40:45] Lucy talks about disclosed non-monogamy and what that means for a couple. [46:15] If your personality is being crushed and you’re becoming a former version of yourself, when should you stop everything and listen? [50:00] A little bit about Lucy and her work/books.
RESOURCES: Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss
QUOTES:
| |||
| 31 May 2018 | Helping Heal Addiction with Dr. Rob and Tami | 00:36:41 | |
Tami VerHelst has been working with Rob for over 15 years in the field of sex, love and relationship addiction. She has been central to many therapists and is often times the very first person someone talks to when they are in crisis mode and undergoing a trauma. People with sexual addictions are often filled with shame and embarrassment, and she continues to be the lifeline that shows them that help is out there. Tami also talks about the difficulties of treating sex addiction compared to other addictions, the importance of getting help from an expert, the programs she is currently working to develop through Seeking Integrity, how she decides where to send someone to get help, and important resources for sex addicts and their partners looking for help and hope.
TAKEAWAYS: [1:51] Despite all the different stories and cases Tami has heard, she always looks at it through the lens of helping someone alleviate their pain. [2:43] When people first call Tami, they can do so anonymously. This takes away the fear of judgment that usually comes with admitting there is an addiction. [4:44] One of the most challenging issues Tami faces is people choosing to overcome the stigma and shame and follow through to contact the resources for support that she provides. [7:23] While drug and alcohol behavior may be able to be ended completely, sexual addiction and food disorders require a perimeter of what is healthy for the individual since sex and hunger are two of our natural desires. [13:35] Each addiction is quite unique and requires its own focus. Many times questions about sexual behavior are overlooked in the mental health field. [14:07] Tami has been in the field for so long that she knows the right questions to ask people to find them the appropriate help and resources. [16:31] If the partner gets good support and the addict gets solid help, they have a greater chance of getting through the trauma of betrayal. [19:49] Tami has seen more women acting with typical male characteristic behavior in the past five years. The world has changed dramatically with the advent of numerous apps that make it as easy as the click of a button to get sex. [23:53] For many addicts, it’s almost more exciting to search for sex and build to orgasm than the actual intercourse itself. [26:17] It is very important for the partner to stand up, draw a line in the sand, and not stand for their partner to continue on with harmful and hurtful behavior. It is also important throughout the treatment for the partner to get their own help and support as well. [33:10] To contact Tami directly, email her at: tami@seekingintegrity.org. [34:15] Tami herself struggled with addiction. She credits her amazing life with recovery and takes great pleasure in giving back.
RESOURCES
QUOTES:
| |||
| 25 Jun 2020 | Building a Loving Relationship with Ourselves with Troy L. Love | 00:39:11 | |
Troy L. Love is a two-time Amazon Best-Selling Author and has a third book, A Year of Self-Love, which was published in 2019. Troy shares why we feel such deep shame and dives into the six attachment wounds we carry around after a traumatic childhood. He also helps visualize these six attachment wounds through characters to help people in recovery better understand themselves and their journey.
TAKEAWAYS: [2:45] Troy shares his journey and why he is passionate about helping people with trauma. [6:15] It took Troy roughly 10 years to feel grounded enough to move forward with his trauma and help other people. [7:15] How is shame related to addiction. [10:15] Our shame is connected to our attachment wounds. There are six attachment wounds: Loss, Neglect, Rejection, Abandonment, Betrayal, and Abuse. [12:25] How does someone discover whether or not they have childhood trauma or not? [15:45] Can we get over these childhood traumas? [19:30] Narcissism can be cured. [22:55] Our loudest voice is our own judgments. [29:15] How can someone best recover from their own inadequacies when they have a partner at home who is very upset and hurt over the actions they have done? [32:15] Darling, I know you suffer, but I am here for you. [34:05] The use of compassion and empathy are the only ways out! [36:20] There are places all over the world that can help you. Your location to get good care is no longer a barrier.
RESOURCES: The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Connect with Troy: Website & A Year of Self Love by Troy L. Love
QUOTES:
| |||
| 16 Nov 2023 | How to Heal After a Betrayal: Dr. Monique Thompson on Navigating Infidelity | 00:46:01 | |
Dr. Monique Thompson is a Psychotherapist in Dallas, Texas. She has seen over 1,000 couples in her counseling practice over the years and now shares tips and tools for couples to help recover from infidelity. She recently wrote a workbook for couples who are looking to recover from infidelity and shares her industry insights with Dr. Rob on today’s episode. After infidelity, many couples are unconsciously going to war with one another. Dr. Monique shares how you can get back to peaceful territory once again.
TAKEAWAYS: [3:40] Why did Dr. Monique decide to write a book about infidelity recovery? [7:20] What responsibilities or accountability should the non-affair partner take on? [10:55] When you choose to stay, you have to mentally keep in mind you’re going to war. You’re no longer in a time of peace. [11:25] Some couples never consciously choose to stay. They just didn’t get divorced and that is not the same. [15:35] Why did Dr. Monique write the Infidelity Recovery Workbook for Couples? [20:30] Your own healing comes from a place of healing within yourself. Your partner won’t be able to help you with that. [24:30] Are you compelled to set down ultimatums in hopes your partner will change? [32:25] Dr. Monique shares why it’s important to take a deep breath in and reset your mindset. [36:00] Sometimes people cheat because they can’t be themselves. What happens when someone finally reveals their ‘true’ persona and their partner still wants to leave? [39:55] Does Dr. Monique have a different approach for a young couple vs. an older couple?
RESOURCES: Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss Infidelity Recovery Workbook for Couples
QUOTES:
| |||
| 23 Feb 2023 | Addiction: Nature or Nurture? with Dr. Evelyn Higgins | 00:46:00 | |
Dr. Evelyn Higgins is the Founder and CEO of Wired for Addiction. She is a recognized expert in addiction and has 25 years of clinical practice as well as dedicated over 16 years of research and development in the science of addiction recovery. In this week’s episode, Dr. Higgins talks the environment vs. genes and how it shows up in addiction, explores the idea of an ‘addiction cure’, and so much more on this week’s episode.
TAKEAWAYS: [2:00] A little bit about Dr. Higgins. [4:20] What is considered an addiction? [6:35] No one sets out to becoming an addict. [6:55] Our environment has a big impact on us…but our genetics also play a part. [7:45] Are we biologically/genetically wired to become addicts? [11:40] Why can’t you cure addiction? [16:50] You can make healthy choices! The first step is understanding your stressors. [20:45] Dr. Weiss has seen people in recovery who still keep struggling. They’re ‘white knuckling’ it. [26:40] Unfortunately, what might work for one person, might not work for another. [27:20] How do we teach the public to better understand addiction? [34:40] The medical community is very subjective because it’s based on vocabulary (what the patient says) instead of blood tests and body chemistry results. [36:25] There’s still quite a bit of inequity in the medical field, but there are small steps forward happening. [39:35] What are the next steps for someone who wants to stay sober?
RESOURCES: Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss
QUOTES:
| |||
| 01 Feb 2024 | Part 1: Porn, What’s The Big Deal? with Dr. Sandra Shachar | 00:34:32 | |
Sandra A. Shachar, Ph.D., is a Licensed Psychologist in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, and has over thirty years of clinical experience working with individuals, couples and families affected by Betrayal Trauma. She is also the author of The Porn Solution, which dives into the world of betrayal through porn use and what partners can do to navigate themselves through it. In this episode, Dr. Sandra talks about the definition of betrayal, why porn affects so many people, and why it’s okay to ask for your needs to be met.
TAKEAWAYS: [3:20] Is porn cheating? [3:55] Why did Dr. Sandra write the book, The Porn Solution? [7:10] What is the definition of a betrayal? [12:05] Porn, what’s the big deal? I’m not cheating on you! [18:10] Why does porn betrayal affect women so deeply? [22:35] How can we regain a partner’s trust after a betrayal? [24:30] You have a right to ask for your needs to be met. It’s okay to have needs! [29:15] What is a problem for one person, is a problem for both people. [29:55] Porn isn’t the issue, it’s the trust!
RESOURCES: Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss
QUOTES:
| |||
| 02 Apr 2020 | Going to Therapy Online with Forest Benedict | 00:29:15 | |
Forest Benedict is a licensed Marriage & Family Therapist, Sexual Addiction Treatment Provider (SATP), and the author of the book, Life After Lust: Stories & Strategies for Sex & Pornography Addiction Recovery. Forest Benedict has taken his practice online! He lives in Washington State but conducts therapy sessions in California, where he is licensed. He discusses how online therapy differs from in-person therapy and what might be the best options for you.
TAKEAWAYS: [2:50] Can you do therapy online? [5:40] Therapists need to consider both the legal and technical part. [6:45] Dr. Rob struggles with where to look at the patient. Should he look into the camera or on the screen where he sees the patient? [8:00] What kinds of concerns do patients bring to Forest about having counseling online? [10:10] What are some of the advantages of doing therapy online? [12:30] Forest does notice a difference between hosting virtual sessions with older clients vs. younger clients. [14:45] Dr. Rob recognizes that you’re talking about intimacy issues in a very non-intimate space, meaning, the online world. It’s a bit of a contradiction. [15:30] Some patients feel like when they go to see a sex addiction therapist in person, they might be outed by someone they know. By doing it online, it can be much more discrete. [17:30] Because of what’s happening in the world, the therapy world will never be the same again. Therapists are being asked to help in any way they can. [19:15] Does Forest also do couple’s therapy online? [21:05] Why did Forest decide to move his business online? [24:05] Should patients go with an in-person session or an online session if they liked the therapist equally?
RESOURCES: The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency
QUOTES:
| |||
| 14 Jun 2018 | Shame, Honor and Culture with Sam Louie | 00:39:38 | |
Trauma, abuse, and addiction happen everywhere, it doesn’t matter what class or culture. Today’s guest, Sam Louie, is a psychotherapist specializing in treating shame, trauma and a host of addictions. Sam is on a mission to reach more of the Asian - American culture and help them with their heavy shame and cultural stigmas surrounding addiction. Sam reflects on his own experience of addiction and then getting help, gives more information on Japanese culture as it relates to addiction and shame, and how he went from feeling defective to comfortable in his own skin and a role model for others. Lastly, Sam shares ways we can outreach to communities that may be different than ours to help others rise above the shame and embarrassment that go along with addiction.
TAKEAWAYS: [1:01] Sam Louie is a psychotherapist, blogger, and speaker on cultural shame and addictions. Sam is also an Emmy Award-Winning former broadcast journalist who continues to write. His books include, "Asian Shame and Addiction: Suffering in Silence" and "Slanted Eyes: The Asian-American Poetic Experience". On a personal note, Sam is a first-generation immigrant from Hong Kong who grew up amidst 3 generations of addictions. [3:46] Sam shares that one of the challenges with minority cultures and specifically Asian - American cultures getting help for their addiction is the feeling of cultural shame. Asians are collectivists by nature, meaning that instead of a focus on individualism, they put an emphasis on cohesiveness among the groups (family, society, government) in their world both on a small and large scale. Sam explains further that a lot of it is based on Confucian views where obedience and order are the common denominators. [6:02] Sam recalls how he first learned at a very early age how important it is to honor the family name above all else. [9:39] In the teenage years, traditional Asian values confronted with American tendency to rebel and strike out as an individual can be a confusing and conflicting time. [11:18] Shame can run deep in the Asian - American culture for cases of addiction, sexual issues and divorce. Sam speaks of a Chinese saying where shame can run 8 generations deep. [13:19] Sam shares how suicide in the Japanese culture can be seen as a way to get back honor and not shame their family. [16:01] In his youth, Sam encountered a role model in his Pastor, who showed vulnerability, encouragement and support. [19:44] In the Japanese culture, sexual shame even as the victim, reflects on breaking the code of honor within your family. [22:42] Sam reads one of his poems and explains the meaning behind the words. He then shares how his addictive and compulsive tendencies started emerging in childhood. [25:02] Children who are profoundly neglected and who experience emotional and physical neglect have to figure out how to comfort and validate themselves. This is where a lot of addiction stems from. [33:10] Educating yourself first on the nature of addiction is key. Then, finding someone of your ethnic background or cultural identification can help very much on the road to recovery.
RESOURCES Sex Addiction 101 Asian Shame and Addiction: Suffering in Silence Slanted Eyes: The Asian - American Poetic Experience
QUOTES:
| |||
| 21 May 2020 | Prodependence: What Does it Mean? - Part 2 | 00:36:31 | |
Dr. Rob is back with a continuation of last week’s episode about explaining what prodependence is. How can we better navigate and not stigmatize the people who are just trying to care for their loved ones? Spouses feel terrible enough being married to an active addict, our jobs as therapists is to not make them question themselves, but to help them through their feelings. They are in crisis mode and this means therapists need to do crisis counseling, not codependency counseling. Dr. Rob is tired of seeing spouses blamed for codependency when they are going through a completely natural reaction.
TAKEAWAYS: [1:45] The women who wrote these books about codependency had traumatic abusive fathers and they ended up married to alcoholic or abusive husbands. However, this does not mean it’s a universal experience. [4:50] Women were focused on paving their own way in the 1980s. It was needed, but the writings of that time also reflect that. Today? We can tell a different story, but we’re still stuck in the 1980s dialogue. [7:40] So many addicts say, “I could get sober if my wife wouldn’t nag so much.” [11:00] A loved one is in a crisis and they need support, not stigmatism or judgement. [11:25] How does Dr. Rob define a crisis? [12:40] How do you help someone through a crisis? What are the steps in crisis counseling? Dr. Rob explains. [14:45] The partner has been victimized and they should not be victimized further by their therapist. [19:25] We ideally should respond to addicts with love and compassion, to remind them that they are loved. [25:20] Codependency tells people they’re living in denial. They’re not. [28:40] How do addicts feel about codependency? [31:35] Dr. Rob shares what he helps people with at his treatment center. [32:15] Some treatment centers cut the family members off from treatment and they lose their connection with the addict. [33:55] With social distancing, how are people staying connected? [34:55] Dr. Rob believes two broken people working to heal together are going to get further than individuals trying to heal by themselves.
RESOURCES: The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency It Will Never Happen to Me! by Claudia Black Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood Codependent No More by Melody Beattie Diagnosing and Treating Co‑dependence by Timmen L. Cermak
QUOTES:
| |||
| 05 Jul 2018 | Celebrating Community, Opening Dialogue and Changing the Game: Dr. James Wadley | 00:30:58 | |
Dr. James Wadley is on a mission to bring openness and community to those from all walks of life that may otherwise have shied away from stepping forward to get help for themselves or their families. He is an advocate and voice for healing across the world and is passionate about working with both those in the community and training the professional leaders that work with them. He is an Associate Professor and Director of the Master of Human Services program at The Lincoln University and licensed professional counselor in Pennsylvania and New Jersey. He is the founding editor of the scholarly, interdisciplinary journal, the Journal of Black Sexuality and Relationships (University of Nebraska Press).
Dr. Wadley talks with Rob about his background in education and educational leadership, his program development to help African Americans know where to turn when seeking treatment, and ways to improve the current structure so everyone feels welcome and deserving to be part of whatever it is that will serve them towards their health. He and Rob also discuss the ways that African American communities are typically underserved when it comes to mental health and addiction programs, especially sexual addiction, how we can help minorities step out of the hidden secrets of addiction and into the light of healing and hope.
TAKEAWAYS: [2:52] Dr. Wadley has worked with African Americans and minority groups for many decades, and still finds misconceptions, and mistrust around the community and medical and mental health professions. It is great for someone struggling to get initial support and advice from a member in the community or social group, but non-medical help can only go so far, and oftentimes their response comes from a pre existing belief, stereotype or myth. [5:06] Dr. Wadley and his colleagues actively try to work towards people having a “sex positive” approach towards sexuality. This means facing and dealing with the stigma and trauma of sexual expression in the African decent, whether it’s stereotypes surrounding the community, or the way they express their own sexual identity. [7:16] Rob and Dr. Wadley run into the same type of problems, but in different ways. Minority groups tend to not seek out professional help for their issue, and even when they do, the factor of access and finding a professional of a similar minority is usually of importance as well. [8:18] Although other cultures deal with sexual addiction just as much as the white culture, there are several factors that make up why they seek professional and 12-step treatment groups less. First, if they walk in and see that they are the only representative of their minority, they are less likely to open up and share, thus reducing the likelihood of ever returning again. [11:08] Dr. Wadley finds that spending time in the community is a way to at least open the conversation with people regarding their sexual behavior and help them get their guard down to see that there is no judgement or stigma around seeking help. [15:08] Dr. Wadley credits a lot of his success to the positive and inspirational people around him. [18:02] Although the communities may be different, the pain and shame of addiction is the same across the board no matter race or ethnicity. The top sexual issues among Rob’s young male clients are the same as Dr. Wadley’s - online porn, hookup apps, traditional affair / anonymous sex and prostitutes. Seeking out help online is better for anonymity, but individuals must be in the know that they are expected to share vulnerably everything they are dealing with. [21:22] Rob and Dr. Wadley discuss the difference of options when a couple has financial means and resources vs. when they need to stay together because divorce or separating just isn’t an option financially. [26:42] On a recent trip to Cuba, Dr. Wadley appreciated how he could fully experience the culture, as it is one of the few places that hasn’t been colonized.
RESOURCES Dr. James Wadley The Journal of Black Sexuality and Relationships Association of Black Sexologists and Clinicians
QUOTES: “While people in the community may be able to listen and give advice, they are not mental health professionals.”
“My work is to try my best to empower not only those people who are indigenous to the community, but also to work with the folks who work with folks in those communities in having a level of acceptance and appreciation towards diversity.”
“Minorities tend to want to keep their problems to themselves.”
“I allow my spirit to lead me.”
We as therapists and healers have to figure out how to provide access to those folks who probably can’t afford us.”
| |||
| 27 Aug 2020 | Understanding Internal Family Systems Therapy with Jenna Riemersma | 00:36:47 | |
Jenna Riemersma is the Clinical Director of The Atlanta Center for Relational Healing. She is a teaching faculty member for the International Institute of Trauma and Addiction Professionals (IITAP). Jenna holds a Master's degree in Public Policy from Harvard University and a Masters’ Degree in Professional Counseling from Richmont Graduate University. Jenna is the recent author of Altogether You, which better explains IFS therapy and how every part of you is meant to be (and should not be shamed for it).
TAKEAWAYS: [3:00] What is Jenna’s book about and why did she write it? [5:15] How do we best manage or process the different parts of ourselves? [7:15] We each have a core or a deep self within us. It is whole and it consists of the 8 C’s. However, our different parts (traumas) jump up and obstruct our access to our deep self. [10:55] Dr. Rob shares an example to better understand what Jenna means. [14:30] How do you bring healing to your different parts to become connected to your core self? [15:50] Why do we have such high relapse rates in addiction? [18:50] When we live in our core self, we instinctively embrace all parts. [21:45] Rage and sex addiction are not okay, but the part underneath it all is what we’re trying to help: the individual. [24:10] We all have parts at war within ourselves. For addicts, it might be they want to act out sexually and at the same time, they desperately want to be faithful to their partner. [28:00] IFS is applicable not for addiction, but for relationships and conflict. [33:15] How does MDMA help people with complex PTSD?
RESOURCES: The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Connect with Jenna Riemersma: Jennariemersma.com Jenna’s book: Altogether You
QUOTES:
| |||
| 07 Sep 2023 | Part 2: Couples, Conflict and Resolution with Dr. Stan Tatkin | 00:31:25 | |
Dr. Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT, is a clinician, researcher, teacher, and developer of A Psychobiological Approach to Couples Therapy® (PACT). He has a clinical practice in Calabasas, CA, and developed the PACT Institute for the purpose of training other psychotherapists to use this method in their clinical practice. In this episode, Dr. Stan discusses the 5 things that break a relationship apart, how to recover from a betrayal, and how to live a pro-relationship life.
TAKEAWAYS: [1:45] How do you recover from a betrayal? [6:00] In a society, we are forced to grow up for the betterment of our tribe. [7:25] What do couples complain the most about? [11:25] People will commit the same mistakes over and over because they don’t understand the internal errors that they’re making. [15:25] What happens if you’re stuck in a relationship ‘role’ that you don’t like? [18:20] What does it mean to be pro-relationship? [20:35] Your attachment needs are not rooted in love. Dr. Stan explains why. [26:00] Want to know more about Dr. Stan? Link in the show notes!
RESOURCES: Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss In Each Other’s Care by Dr. Stan Tatkin
QUOTES:
| |||
| 20 Oct 2022 | Part 1 - How to Get Over Betrayal and Cheating | 00:43:49 | |
Dr. Rob breaks down what goes on in a man's and a woman’s mind when they cheat and their partner finds out about the affair. Dr. Rob uses a clip from Fatal Attraction to show an example of how a cheating partner tries to manipulate their partner, who is in pain, about the betrayal. In this episode, Dr. Rob explains what intimacy really is and what happens when your needs are not being met.
TAKEAWAYS: [2:20] Men and women are different. Men have the ability to separate sex from intimacy. [3:55] How do you define cheating in the digital age? [5:15] Dr. Rob plays a clip from Fatal Attraction to best explain cheating. [9:45] When you ask for forgiveness, you take the focus off of the person in grief and put it back on you. It appears very selfish and manipulative in the moment. [12:45] How many times have you believed that your cheating wasn’t your fault? [14:55] Why doesn’t he just come home and help with some of the household chores? [16:20] So many of us confuse intensity with intimacy. That is not intimacy. [19:50] Men who have cheated expect to be forgiven right away, but a woman doesn’t work that way. [25:15] What do men need to do to gain back their partner’s trust? [29:45] Remember, when it’s all about you, that’s not empathy. [32:30] Women who have experienced cheating betrayal feel guilty and shameful that they allowed this to happen. They feel like they should have done more to keep their man from straying. Dr. Rob explains deeper. [37:00] Why is she so upset about every little detail happening? [40:15] Your female partner has been victimized by you. You are responsible for the consequences. [42:45] Stay tuned for part 2!
RESOURCES: Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss
QUOTES:
| |||
| 02 Mar 2023 | The Ripples Effects of Adult Children of Sex Addicts with Dr. Ken Adams | 00:43:54 | |
Dr. Ken M. Adams began his professional career in 1981 treating children, adolescents, and their families. In 1985 he began private practice with the Children of Alcoholic Parents program, an outpatient program for the treatment of adults who had grown up in alcoholic families. He is a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist (CSAT), a CSAT supervisor, and CSAT training facilitator as well as an EMDR practitioner. In this episode, Dr. Ken gives an overview on what an enmeshment relationship looks like, his latest book catered specifically for adult children of sex addicts, and talks about how to recover from a broken home.
TAKEAWAYS: [2:00] A little bit about Dr. Ken. [4:25] What happens to children that allow them to struggle later on in life? [7:20] What’s so wrong with having a good relationship with your parents? [9:15] Empathic children deeply worry about their parents and often, enmeshment happens because the parent did not set proper or clear boundaries. [16:10] Dr. Ken is out with a new book, A Light in the Dark. Why did he decide to write it? [22:10] All the children surveyed said they were negatively impacted by what their sex addict parent did. [25:55] Adult children are often confused about what’s a normal sexual experience. [30:35] Children aren’t stupid. They know what’s going on and often get put in a bad position where they have to protect their mother or father’s anger towards the sex addict. [33:40] How should a sex addict tell their children about their problems? [37:25] The shame that these adult children carry, it is not their shame to carry.
RESOURCES: Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss When He’s Married to Mom by Dr. Ken M. Adams A Light in the Dark: The Hidden Legacy of Adult Children of Sex Addicts by Ken M. Adams
QUOTES:
| |||
| 31 Mar 2022 | Ambushed by Betrayal - The Survival Guide for Betrayed Partners | 00:37:59 | |
In today’s episode, Dr. Rob talks with Michele Saffier and Allan Katz about their book, Ambushed by Betrayal: The Survival Guide for Betrayed Partners on Their Heroes' Journey to Healthy Intimacy, which was written after the two met in a psycho trauma workshop. Michele has been a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist since 1993. She was trained with Dr. Rob in the field of Sexual Addiction and went on to private practice and began using the trauma model after three years. Allan is a licensed Professional Counselor (LPC/MHSP) in the states of Tennessee and Mississippi and a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist. With over 30 years of experience as an entrepreneur and marketing consultant, he, later on, shifted to become a professional therapist to help others in the field of sex addiction. They share how their book can help betrayed partners heal from their trauma and learn healthy intimacy.
TAKEAWAYS: [1:55] A little introduction of Michelle and how Dr. Rob knows her. [3:15] Michelle didn’t work in the field of addiction before and recalls the young couple she worked with that inspired her journey. [4:25] A little bit about Allan as well and how he became a therapist. [6:50] Michelle sees herself as a trauma therapist. She explains why. [8:40] How does Allan work with the spouses to empathize with their addict partners who don't see it from a trauma perspective? [11:00] Allan shares how he transitioned from helping people non-professionally and the difference with being a professional therapist. [13:00] Michelle recommends partners to watch comedy shows and shares how this helps their recovery. [14:20] Betrayed partners take on the personal responsibility of causing their addict partner to act out. Allan shares his thoughts on this. [16:50] Michelle sees from the betrayed partner an attachment trauma and explains why. [18:30] How does Michelle help a spouse learn that empathy may not be forthcoming? [21:25] Dr. Rob asks Michelle and Allan about the book they wrote called, Ambush By Betrayal. How did they come up with the title? [23:35] Dr. Rob shares the subtitle of their book and asks how their hero’s journey evolved. [24:45] Michelle realized that in the same spirit of prodependency, they want their readers to be empowered. She shares how there can be beauty in this broken life. [25:50] Michelle and Allan met in a psycho trauma workshop. Allan shares what psycho trauma is and how that relates to their book. [30:00] What they want to achieve with their book is to provide a release from all the hurt, pain, and unworthiness and physically do something with it. Michelle talks through this process further. [33:20] For the betrayed person, anger is the only way they can protect their heart from their perpetrator. Michelle shares how they can help them see the wounded person underneath.
RESOURCES: Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Ambush By Betrayal by Michele Saffier and Allan Katz
QUOTES:
| |||
| 17 Jan 2019 | Managing Relationship Heartbreak with Terri Real | 00:35:21 | |
Terry Real offers workshops for couples, individuals, and parents around the country along with professional training of the Relational Life Therapy method for clinicians through his Relational Life Institute. He also is the best-selling author of I Don’t Want To Talk About It, Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression, and his new book The New Rules of Marriage is out now. Today, he chose the topic of healing betrayal, the added challenges that addiction brings in to the situation, and the roadblocks that must be moved in order for real healing and change, and possibly even a transformed relationship better than it was before.
TAKEAWAYS: [2:43] In order for it to count as infidelity, there needs to be two elements: a violation of contract and trust, and deceit. [5:14] The partner usually has two questions: how can you do this, and how can I know you won’t do this again? [5:47] The three phases that generally occur when coming back from infidelity:
[11:38] Reassuring behavior will help to regain trust, and the need for it differs couple by couple. [19:42] The harmony phase is the innocent “love without knowledge” phase, the “knowledge without love” phase is the dissolution phase, which then flows into experienced love where you know what is at stake, but it is an informed choice to stay. [26:40] The same type of narcissism that gets the partner to betray in the first place, also keeps them from successfully being accountable and trustworthy to their partner in the healing stage. [29:44] Personal empowerment is based in individual power, and relational empowerment is to bring your full strength into the relationship.
RESOURCES: Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Rob@sexandrelationshiphealing.com
QUOTES:
| |||
| 12 Nov 2020 | The Three Pillars to Restoring Sexuality after Betrayal with Drs. Ginger and Bill Bercaw | 00:36:25 | |
Dr’s. Ginger and Bill Bercaw are the founders of The California Center for Healing in Pasadena, CA. The Bercaws are nationally recognized relationship and sexuality experts, appearing regularly on Access Hollywood Live and Fox News as well as being Huffington Post columnists and cited in Men’s Health, Cosmopolitan, Maxim, and the LA Times. Drs. Ginger and Bill discuss how a betrayed spouse can become intimate with their love or sex addict, ways couples can build intimacy, and how to prioritize therapy when we all live busy lives.
TAKEAWAYS: [3:25] How do you reintegrate healthy sexuality and trust after betrayal. [5:40] Couples who have made it through the traumatic effects of the betrayal are still going to struggle in the bedroom. [6:55] When a partner finds out about a 12-year affair, some of them want to jump into bed with them right away. Why is that? [11:15] Most recovering sex addicts are not familiar with what intimacy means. [12:45] What can couples do to take the first step to building intimacy? [20:00] The next step is communication to help restore sensuality in the relationship. [23:50] In Drs. Ginger and Bill’s model, the next step or critical piece to healing is education. [26:20] How do Drs. Ginger and Bill keep their couples motivated to keep pursuing therapy and work on themselves? [28:45] What makes certain couples struggle vs. other couples that thrive? It comes down to the person’s trauma. [30:50] We all have busy lives. Who has time for therapy?
RESOURCES: The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Connect with Drs. Ginger and Bill Bercaw: Drsbercaw.com
QUOTES:
| |||
| 16 Jul 2020 | Porn Addiction Among Pre-Teen and Teenage Children with Michelle Holleman | 00:38:57 | |
Michelle Holleman is a Sex Addiction Therapist based out of Charlotte, North Carolina. Michelle councils pre-teens and teenagers about their porn addiction habits and teaches children the difference between reality and fiction. Young children are being exposed to porn and it can deeply impact their brain. Michelle shares seven tips parents can use to have a healthy conversation with their children about porn, and why they need to talk about it with them; not avoid it.
TAKEAWAYS: [1:45] Who is Michelle and what does she do? [3:45] Michelle works with a lot of teens who get caught with porn on their school computer. [6:25] Usually when Michelle gets called in, parents are very concerned. Michelle tries to calm them down and normalize the situation. [9:35] Anything that can turn into porn, will be turned into porn, which means that there are pornographic cartoons out there. [12:00] Parents are very bad at talking to their children about sex. They mostly explain how babies get made, but not the act itself. [13:35] Locking down your child’s phone doesn’t solve the underlying problem. If it’s not at home, they’ll be exposed to it through their friends. [18:15] How do the conversations differ between a pre-teen child vs. teenager about the conversation of looking at porn? [21:25] Between the ages of 8 and 16, 90% of children have seen porn by that age. [22:45] Porn changes our children’s brains. [24:15] It’s important to tell the truth when talking to your children. [28:45] Don’t punish your child for looking at porn, it sends the wrong message and they will try to hide it from you. [32:55] The real problem with porn is that it takes the intimacy and connection in sex away.
RESOURCES: The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Connect with Michelle: Lifehealingcounseling.com & LinkedIn
QUOTES:
| |||
| 15 Jan 2020 | BONUS: All We Really Want is a Meaningful Connection with Dr. David Fawcett | 00:30:16 | |
BONUS Episode: Today's episode was pulled from Dr. David Fawcett's podcast "Sex, Love, and Addiction: Healing Conversations for Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender Men". Dr. Fawcett had the one and only Dr. Rob on to discuss sex addiction and chem sex in men. Dr. Rob dives into why we shouldn’t separate the relationship with drugs and sex in therapy because it’s often combined and needs to be addressed together. He also believes there’s a lot of benefit for hosting gay and straight group therapies together because the commonality of being men can open up a big dialogue and he believes that for most people in therapy, the biggest thing we are seeking is a real and meaningful connection.
TAKEAWAYS: [2:40] Dr. Rob didn’t realize in the very beginning how drug addiction is so closely linked with sex addiction. We have to look at both, not either/or. [3:55] How does Dr. Rob see the effect of trauma play into these addictions later in life? [6:50] Gay, transexual, and transgender people struggle a lot with their relationship to sex, and culturally we still haven’t gotten to openly talk about these issues. [9:35] Dr. David has seen two worlds collide in a beautiful way. Gay men had their reservations/thoughts about straight men and vice versa. By sharing group therapy sessions together, a real dialogue has begun to open up between them where it’s just men sharing their experiences and trauma. [11:55] Dr. Rob shares a story about a man who hated what turned him on, but when he did drugs, he was able to indulge in these sexual interests. The work Dr. Rob does has a lot to do with helping people come to peace with their sexual desires. [12:40] Seeking Integrity gets a lot of clients that have a misunderstanding that treatment and addiction are about ‘curing’ themselves, but it’s about self-acceptance. [16:50] Dr. David breaks down why alcohol is a drug. [21:25] So many people that Dr. David and Dr. Rob treat are looking for a connection and use drugs to fill it, but in reality, it creates more emptiness. [25:45] There’s so much more to you than your bodies. As you get older, you’re just not going to get noticed that much and it can be very hurtful to the ego or identify about yourself.
RESOURCES: Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men by Dr. Robert Weiss Email Rob: Rob@SeekingIntegrity.com
QUOTES:
| |||
| 16 Mar 2024 | Part 2: Voices of Hope For, and By, Women Who Have Been Betrayed | 00:48:23 | |
Annie and Melissa are two women who have experienced deep marital betrayal in their relationship. The signs weren’t always clear as to what was actually going on, but when the wool had been pulled over their eyes, the amount of emotions, judgment, and pain they experienced took a long time to recover from. This episode is part two of these two women sharing their very personal story of how they found out about their husbands’ addictions and how they got through it.
TAKEAWAYS: [3:15] Hindsight is 20/20. These are real and raw emotions and unfortunately, it’s difficult to hide or protect your children from what’s happening within your household. [4:20] Melissa shares the reactions her friends and family had after they realized what was going on in her marriage. [4:45] Annie found out that she had friends who loved her, but this topic was very difficult for them to handle. [6:45] Did Annie’s husband’s porn use affect their intimate life? [12:55] When Melissa joined a support group, it was the first time she felt validated and like she wasn’t going through this journey alone. [23:45] Guess what, an addict can lie to their therapist! And some therapists eat it all up. [30:50] Melissa knew for many years something was wrong but she just didn’t know what. Those years were painful; to constantly doubt herself. [33:40] The work betrayed spouses have to go through to heal is very different from what an addict has to go through to make amends. [39:15] How did Melissa and Annie meet? They’re so grateful for each other and their support!
RESOURCES: Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss
QUOTES:
| |||
| 25 Apr 2018 | When You Aren’t Your Mother’s Boyfriend with Dr. Ken Adams | 00:35:55 | |
Rob welcomes friend and colleague Dr. Ken Adams. They discuss signs and examples of mother-enmeshed men and how it relates to sexual addiction and intimacy. problems. Dr. Adams shares his knowledge on the evolution of our sexuality, the steps to emancipation, and some gold nuggets of wisdom on what to expect if you are involved with an enmeshed man.
TAKEAWAYS: [1:08] Dr. Ken Adams lives in Michigan and has a thriving practice. His book, Silently Seduced explores how an individual’s relationships with their moms can produce the types of problems that sex addiction creates. Married to Mom to uncover why a man might seem to continually choose his mom over his partner. He began private practice with the Children of Alcoholic Parents Program. There he became interested and devoted to working with sex addiction. [4:11] Enmeshment is a term used in family therapy field to describe when family members are too involved, and the dynamic is too close. When a mother burdens her son with expectations and inappropriate boundaries, the son may begin to feel disloyal when he has other objects of desire. He then acts out and carries out these desires on the side while feeling a tremendous amount of grief and guilt. [8:50] It is the parents job to celebrate the independence and emancipation of their children. On the flip side, it is the son’s responsibility to leave and start their own life with their own partner. [14:53] The evolution of our sexuality is primarily tied to our early care taking experiences. Emotional freedom and having a need for their own space is a running theme that comes up consistently for enmeshed men. [17:28] Emancipation involves two things: external boundaries and an internal structure of how he feels about romance, including the important task of figuring out how to parse out freedom in a commitment. [20:12] The man may project his feelings of being trapped and burdened on to his well-meaning partner, or also be drawn to someone dominating that may pull him away from his mother. [22:02] Our partner choice is not doomed based on how we grew up. It’s an inside job and a “one day at a time” solution for the mother-enmeshed man to observe what makes him feel overwhelmed and trapped, and to turn out obligations when he starts to feel smothered. [29:45] In the sex and love addicted area, females tend to struggle with overt / physical insest, and males covert / emotional insest.
RESOURCES
| |||
| 23 Jul 2020 | Trauma and the Twelve Steps with Dr. Jamie Marich | 00:40:48 | |
Dr. Jamie Marich is an EMDR therapy master trainer and the author of several books including, Trauma and the Twelve Steps and Trauma Made Simple. On this week’s show, Dr. Jamie discusses the healing process between the Twelve Step program and addressing your trauma. She also discusses her philosophy with the Twelve Step program and why it’s important to update the language in it to help people grow and recover.
TAKEAWAYS: [3:00] Dr. Jamie has recently revised one of her books, Trauma and the Twelve Steps. [4:00] People who have worked heavily in the trauma world had a low opinion about the Twelve Steps and vice versa. Why is that? [5:45] Wounds can come in all shapes and sizes, but healing can take on all different forms. [9:00] People use the Twelve Steps as commands, but Dr. Jamie has always seen it as suggested steps. [13:35] The wound itself is not the issue in trauma. It’s how it gets addressed and healed that is. [14:20] A lot of people think they have dealt with their trauma, but they really haven’t. [19:35] Admitting your powerlessness over alcohol or your addiction does not mean you are a powerless person. [21:45] We have to be willing to update the language with the times. The Twelve Steps was written in the 1930s. [28:30] Trauma is never fully healed, but it does evolve. [32:30] We have to validate ourselves, the reality of what’s happening, and we have to validate each other, and then we have to challenge it. [35:35] Is it true we will never truly ‘thrive’ in life?
RESOURCES: The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Connect with Dr. Jamie: Dr. Jamie Marich Dr. Jamie’s Book: Trauma and the 12 Steps, Revised and Expanded: An Inclusive Guide to Enhancing Recovery Instituteforcreativemindfulness.com
QUOTES:
| |||
| 14 Apr 2022 | Addicts are Emotionally Undeveloped Adults with Dr. Eddie Capparuccii - Part 1 | 00:33:46 | |
Dr. Eddie Capparucciis the creator of the unique Inner Child Model for the treatment of Problematic Sexual Behaviors. He believes at the heart of most Problematic Sexual Behaviors are unresolved childhood pain points. Dr. Eddie specializes in treating Problematic Sexual Behaviors including pornography. Among his many clients, they have been professional athletes including NFL and MLB players and television personalities. In this episode, Dr. Eddie explains why sex addicts are really emotionally undeveloped adults, and how they can break old patterns and build intimacy.
TAKEAWAYS: [1:55] A little bit about Dr. Eddie Capparucci. [3:20] Trauma plays a major part in addiction. [5:10] Sex addiction goes further than just sex. Men with this issue are emotionally undeveloped. [6:10] Addicts aren’t bad people, they’re broken people. [6:20] Are therapists just making bad excuses for an addict's poor behavior? [9:10] My addict is sober, but they’re still a jerk. What’s going on? [11:25] What do you call someone who cheats? Are they considered ill? [15:00] Addicts are used to running away from their pain and they will take whatever distraction presents itself. [16:55] How can you help an addict take accountability? [17:50] Someone struggling with addiction needs to begin to think about their legacy and to tap into a bigger purpose. [20:00] What happens if someone is just not motivated to get better? [22:45] Dr. Eddie shares how he works with betrayed spouses who feel unlistened to. [25:50] Emotional intimacy vs. physical intimacy. What’s the difference? [28:15] So many people aren’t taught what emotional intimacy is. [30:40] Dr. Eddie understands he has an avoidant attachment style. But, by understanding his childhood, this makes perfect sense! [32:30] At the end of the day, Dr. Rob and Dr. Eddie are here to help people break patterns and build intimacy.
RESOURCES: Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency
QUOTES:
| |||
| 25 Aug 2022 | Part 2 - Porn Addiction 101: The Problem with Scott Brassart | 00:36:54 | |
Scott Brassart is the Director of Content Development at Seeking Integrity. He writes all the content at Seeking Integrity and has worked directly with Dr. Rob for over 10 years. Scott also teaches a lot of the courses at the treatment center. In this episode, Dr. Rob and Scott continue their conversations about porn addiction and offer insights on what steps you need to take to heal from porn addiction.
TAKEAWAYS: [3:20] Why is my spouse so unhappy about my porn use? [3:50] Can porn use escalate the same way alcohol addiction escalated? [7:25] Porn addicts will start out looking at vanilla porn, and then the intensity keeps getting turned up to get their fix. [11:15] The brain ends up turning down the dopamine on our entire life. The addict suddenly needs more intensity, more dopamine, more of a rush. [16:00] Clients who are withdrawing often feel very lonely and very sad. Why is that? [18:35] How can you change the behavior? [19:45] It’s important to define what addiction looks like, and also what sobriety can look like. [20:25] Sex addiction is treated a lot like an eating disorder. We can’t quit eating altogether. [24:25] What does healthy intimacy actually look like? [24:40] Addiction feels great but it’s a one-trick pony. [27:45] If we open the door slightly, your addiction will come back. [29:05] Remember, there is no cure for addiction. You need to keep up daily maintenance to be sober. [32:45] Want additional support? Reach out to Seeking Integrity for more free resources!
RESOURCES: Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency
QUOTES:
| |||
| 09 Feb 2023 | Part 2: Addiction , Mental Health, and Psychology with the President of the Society of Addiction Psychology. Dr. Aaron Weiner | 00:37:51 | |
Dr. Aaron Weiner, Ph.D., ABPP is a board-certified Psychologist and addiction specialist and speaks nationally on the topics of addiction, behavioral health, and the impact of drug policy on public health. In this episode, Dr. Aaron talks about childhood trauma, whether addicts are inherently bad people and the pain that people often hold deep down that they’ve suppressed and compartmentalized.
TAKEAWAYS: [2:11] Why does relapse even happen? If the addict really loves me, why can’t they just stop? [3:10] Your betrayed partner is hurt, but they love you and they don’t want to see you in pain. [5:45] How do you tell a partner that you’ve relapsed or have a slip? [6:35] Many spouses feel so disconnected from their addict. [9:15] You may continue with your addiction, but it will never be the same. You will always hurt your family. [11:00] Are addicts bad people? Are they just going to keep hurting people? [15:20] Do addictive personalities exist? [16:40] Childhood trauma disrupts your entire worldview. [21:35] People often want to know why this is happening, but it’s equally important to understand how it’s happening and how to stop. [27:00] We are going to get stressed and it’s natural that you want to hide from that stress, but there are better ways to solve that problem. [30:10] Can you fix addiction? [32:45] Dr. Aaron offers some helpful workbooks and solutions to help you with your recovery journey.
RESOURCES: Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss
QUOTES:
| |||
| 25 Jul 2019 | Loving an Addict with the Prodependence Model with Kim Buck | 00:34:37 | |
Kim Buck, CSAT and Clinical Director of Family Strategies Counseling Center in Arizona, joins the show this week. Kim and Rob discuss the differences between the Prodependence model vs. Codependence, the interesting results she is finding using this model at her own center, and what is helpful for partners to understand when dealing with betrayal and loving an addict. She and Rob also share why the Prodependence model gives betrayed partners support and compassion in crisis rather than judgment or blame, along with the freedom to examine themselves as much as they wish, when they wish.
TAKEAWAYS: [5:05] Betrayed partners are typically in deep trauma and crisis when dealing with the bad behavior of their addict, and understanding Prodependence gives the perspective of supporting them in their desire to just try and be helpful, instead of being the cause or the one to blame. [9:30] Kim has her clients look at what is right in the relationship, and what, if anything, is worth saving. [11:33] Instead of looking for a pathology or reason the betrayed partner caused the addicts behavior, Prodependence deals with the crisis at hand to try and let the partner feel their feelings and begin to get some sense of safety while in such trauma. [13:50] While other models talk more about the betrayed partners history and past, often times they are just there to get support in the moment. [16:04] Betrayed partners tend to let go of their own care while attempting to save their relationship and family. In this time of emotional freefall, judging them only produces more fear, hurt, shame and self doubt. [22:22] It is very common for addicts to blame the spouse, and that also is very hurtful. [24:10] Kim works with her betrayed clients to validate and support them, show them it wasn’t their fault for the addicts behavior, then help them find boundaries and useful ways to show up in the relationship if they choose to continue. [26:33] Codependency often calls for detaching from the addict so they can suffer on their own, but this is not always sustainable or healthy for either partners. We have to figure out what is saveable and why they want to be in the relationship, and then work on it from there. [29:22] Kim finds it’s a natural process to want more understanding down the road, but they can explore the past later once the crisis is over.
RESOURCES: Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Rob@sexandrelationshiphealing.com Family Strategies Counseling Center
QUOTES:
| |||
| 05 Nov 2020 | You’re Not Crazy for Trying to Reconcile with Your Addict with Kristin Snowden | 00:38:56 | |
Kristin Snowden is a specialist in helping clients recover and heal from addiction, depression, anxiety, trauma, loss, and relationship challenges (namely infidelity and divorce). Kristin has seen women come into her office completely unsure why they feel depressed, why they feel lost, why they feel so broken. And upon further investigation, it’s because these women hide their true feelings and they’re being gaslighted by their addict. Kristin discusses how you’re not crazy about the feelings you have and how to own your power and work on building trust again with your addict.
TAKEAWAYS: [2:45] What is it like working with Dr. Rob? [4:15] Kristin wanted to get Dr. Rob’s thoughts on how betrayed spouses navigate depression and their sexual traumas. [10:00] When someone has been betrayed. They mentally choose to move forward not move on, but their bodies don’t react the same way. [11:15] How does the betrayed partner end up being convinced they’re the problem or they’re the ones with depression? [14:40] Do not invalidate what your body is telling you. [17;55] If something is bothering you and it’s triggering your feelings of betrayal all over again, speak up. You don’t need to hide it. [21:05] You don’t need to deeply examine yourself when the problem is right in front of you. You don’t need to feel more shame about that. [24:00] Some people discover that they’ve really been shamed by their partner for having very real feelings and decide they’re completely done and don’t want to put up with the lies anymore. [26:15] The key is to practice humility and to show up better for yourself despite being hurt and wanting to kick and scream and throw things. [28:05] How do you be strong for yourself when your partner is gaslighting you? [30:50] Group therapy is critical in making you realize you’re not crazy.
RESOURCES: The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Connect with Kristin: Kristinsnowden.com
QUOTES:
| |||
| 03 May 2018 | Getting Out of the Secret with Marnie Ferree, M.A. | 00:35:16 | |
Licensed marriage and family therapist Marnie Ferree joins Rob today for a conversation on healing sex and love addictions, her own story of recovery from abuse, and how our background and current culture shape the way we go about getting our needs met in love and sexual relationships. Since 1992 she has been working to advance the field of healing sexual addiction in a variety of different arenas, and is currently pioneering the first intensive workshop for female teens and adolescent sex addicts.
TAKEAWAYS: [1:20] Marnie C. Ferree, M.A. is a licensed marriage and family therapist in Nashville, where she directs and is the founder of Bethesda Workshops, a short time Christian based intensive program for sex addicts and partners. The workshop she established in 1997 for female sex addicts was the first of its kind in the country. Her book No Stones: Women Redeemed from Sexual Addiction was the first to address sexual addiction in women from a Christian perspective. [3:14] As a young adolescent Marnie had unresolved losses, abandonment, family dysfunction and abuse within her close circle. This had a major impact on how she paired affection and attention with sex, and her pattern of getting her needs met through intense relationships reflects the story of addiction all too often and mirrored the abuse in her childhood. [9:23] Marnie helps her clients see the unconscious patterns that emerge in their adulthood from previous abuse when looking for love and connection. They work together to alleviate some of the confusion, shame, and blame. [12:54] Marnie is seeing less overt sexual trauma in her workshops, and more of the effect coming from our sexually saturated and exploitative culture. [18:09] We are in a deep need of more honest conversations on human sexuality and the way our values and belief systems clash with the objectification of women and men in our culture. [23:09] Healing begins when someone decides to bring their secret behavior into light, whatever their problematic or dependent behavior is. [28:42] Marnie feels her work with adolescent females and their families very redemptive and rewarding.
RESOURCES No Stones: Women Redeemed by Sexual Shame Making Advances: A Comprehensive Guide for Treating Female Sex and Love Addicts | |||
| 28 Mar 2019 | Hold me Tight with Dr. Sue Johnson | 00:38:08 | |
Dr. Sue Johnson is profoundly known for her work on bonding, attachment and adult romantic relationships. She paved the way for much of the work being done now on attachment and intimacy, focused couples therapy, and her work changed the landscape of emotions based therapy. Today, she talks with Rob about EFT, Emotionally Focused Therapy, her best-selling book Hold Me Tight, and why EFT gives people hope, validation, and the connection necessary to heal themselves and possibly their wounded relationships.
TAKEAWAYS: [3:04] Sue got a firsthand look at adult interaction as a young child working in her family’s pub. Through witnessing the many people night after night, she saw the power in vulnerability and compassion. This fascinated her and led her to work with distressed individuals, and ultimately distressed couples. [7:05] In a distressed couple, the conflict is just a symptom of the real problem — disconnection. [9:11] Much disconnection comes from one person pushing to be heard and the other partner shutting them out. Dr. Sue works with couples to move from the dance of automatic anger into vulnerability. [12:45] EFT, or Emotionally Focused Therapy, helps individuals and couples look at where they may be stuck in their emotions, fears and needs and then introduces the feeling of love and safety. Through this, bonding occurs and partners have what Dr. Sue refers to as “hold me tight” conversations. [14:05] When therapists first ask how a couple fell in love in therapy, it helps them remember that there once was a connection and may diffuse some of the initial anger. [18:57] EFT first gives people hope, then validation for feeling wounded. Their partner has to understand how their actions caused so much pain, and why their wounded partner now needs safety and predictability. [22:28] After a betrayal when the wounded partner is doing “detective work” they are usually not looking for a reason to leave, they are looking for a reason to stay. [27:03] Technology can drive us apart, or it can call for us to be more committed than ever to human connection. [29:01] Dr. Sue follows the Pro-dependence model, and knew there was something more than the codependence model after working in many clinics and large hospitals. [30:18] Dr. Sue’s work encourages people to get addicted to the natural good feelings that come when we reach out to others as a resource, and experience authentic connection. [33:31] The more we feel connected, the less we turn to behaviors that are addictive and destructive.
RESOURCES: Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Rob@sexandrelationshiphealing.com
QUOTES:
| |||
| 14 May 2020 | Prodependence: What Does it Mean? - Part 1 | 00:35:30 | |
Dr. Rob understands that there might be some confusion over what prodependence is, and sheds some light on how we can better navigate and not stigmatize the people who are just trying to care for their loved one; who so happens to have an addiction problem. We support/feel sorry for the spouse trying to care for their partner’s cancer treatments, but why are they shamed for trying to do the same with mental health or addiction issues? Dr. Rob is tired of seeing spouses blamed for codependency.
TAKEAWAYS: [2:45] Dr. Rob explains what prodependence is by providing a hypothetical example of his wife going through cancer vs. drug addiction. [5:15] How would your friends and family, and community, react differently to a cancer diagnosis vs. a drug addiction diagnosis? [8:55] Codependency is just another way of blaming, labelling, and shaming innocent caregivers. [11:55] Codependency is underappreciated and is not a mental health diagnosis. [14:00] When someone is diagnosed with cancer, they read every book and every resource to help the people they love. [17:00] When it comes to codependency, which book should you be following? There’s so many and some of them are not qualified. [21:00] Maybe the reason why we keep writing about this over and over is because it’s never quite worked before? [24:00] As people help people through addiction, they shouldn’t be labelled as ‘broken’. [25:00] When did therapists ever do treatment and blamed clients for not fitting into our ‘model’? Yet this happens with supportive partners within addiction all the time. [29:40] Therapy goes much faster when you don’t label, and blame, the spouses for trying to navigate their partner’s addiction. [33:15] Stay tuned for part two next week!
RESOURCES: The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency It Will Never Happen to Me! by Claudia Black Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood Codependent No More by Melody Beattie Diagnosing and Treating Co‑dependence by Timmen L. Cermak
QUOTES:
| |||
| 21 Apr 2022 | Addicts are Emotionally Undeveloped Adults with Dr. Eddie Capparuccii - Part 2 | 00:26:32 | |
Dr. Rob continues his discussion with Dr. Eddie Capparucciis, the creator of the unique Inner Child Model for the treatment of Problematic Sexual Behaviors, to talk about common blind spots someone in recovery might have. When addicts are in their addiction, they can exhibit strong narcissistic tendencies, which can make it difficult to connect with others and see their perspectives.
TAKEAWAYS: [1:45] Addicts have a hard time seeing their own blindspots. What should they be aware of? [2:40] Curiosity of people is an important way to connect with others. Addicts can lack this curiosity. [3:35] Addicts can be hypersensitive to rejection and criticism. [5:00] People learn how to love from their caregivers. [6:20] In a lot of ways, addicts have been emotionally neglected. [8:50] In recovery, we have the opportunity to break the cycle. [10:20] You break the cycle by being emotionally present. [12:45] Emotionally unavailable people tend to be ‘do-ers’, they try to fix the problem by finding a solution, instead of being present with their emotions. [16:10] As long as you’re oblivious to the pain you’ve been through, you will also be oblivious to the pain you’re causing others. [18:35] How do you work through your issues if you can’t afford therapy? [21:40] Dr. Eddie talks about the current work and programs he’s a part of to help others. [24:15] Don’t have the financial resources to go to therapy? Dr. Eddie can help.
RESOURCES: Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency
QUOTES:
| |||
| 09 Jul 2020 | A Guide to Intervention with Dr. Louise Stanger | 00:31:28 | |
Dr. Louise Stanger is an Ivy League Award winner (2019 Interventionist of the Year from DB Resources in London and McLean Hospital – an affiliate of Harvard), educated social worker, popular author, internationally renowned clinician, interventionist and speaker and an expert on mental health, addiction, process disorders, and chronic pain. In this episode, Dr. Louise provides insight as to how families can best cope and provide support when it comes to a loved one’s addiction.
TAKEAWAYS: [2:45] I can’t stand my family, but I can’t live without them. [6:55] Dr. Louise’s family was very successful in their careers. However, they all had underlying problems with their mental health. [8:15] We can’t turn back time and be 4 again to get our needs met, but even as we grow into adults, we have cravings to get our needs met from our family. [9:00] Sometimes we have to grieve the fact that we never got our needs met by our parents. [10:55] When it comes to our relationships, we might have to live without our loved ones in order for us to fully grow. [12:00] Why is it hard for us to not see the abuse happening to us? [15:20] Your unwillingness to change can be the cause of stalled progress. You don’t have to change the way you love someone, but by changing the behaviors/actions around that person can help them progress in their own therapy and healing. [16:45] What does a good intervention look like? [23:20] As a family member, it’s very important to take care of yourself spiritually and emotionally. [25:00] When an addict comes back from therapy, why can’t it just all go back to the way it was? [26:50] Have you ever said to yourself: ‘If he/she would just fix themselves, everything would be fine.’ Dr. Louise offers advice on how to better approach this. [29:20] We don’t hear what we don’t want to hear. This is why having an outside/expert opinion matters because it allows you to hear what your spouse has been saying to you for years for the very first time.
RESOURCES: The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Connect with Dr. Louise: Website & Learn to Thrive Call Dr. Louise: 619-507-1699 The Definitive Guide to Addiction Interventions: A Collective Strategy by Dr. Louise Stanger
QUOTES:
| |||
| 01 Aug 2019 | Partner Empathy with Carol the Coach | 00:31:14 | |
Carol Juergensen Sheets, Coach, Columnist, Therapist and Speaker joins the show today to talk about her best selling workbook and roadmap, Help. Her. Heal, written to help both betrayed partners and addicts overcome the trauma associated with infidelity. She and Rob talk about her focus on empathy towards the betrayed partner, and resources within the workbook where couples can start rebuilding trust and intimacy. Carol is always one step ahead in the field, and spreads her message to thousands using her coaching, videos, books, and podcasts.
TAKEAWAYS: [2:28] Many times sex addicts struggle with truly feeling empathatic towards the partner they betrayed. Carol’s techniques and formulas help the addict learn to acknowledge pain, validate the partner’s feelings, and reassure that things in the future will be different. When we work from the premise that the sex addict is the one responsible for the pain, we can start to rebuild (or build) empathy, and it is a cyclical dance of healing for both. [5:32] Carol describes her formula for empathy and building trust:
[11:34] After a betrayal, it may not always get back to normal right away or even ever at all. It is important that both parties stick through the process and continue to do their best to be honest and vulnerable. [11:51] Carol explains that out of every trauma that anyone can go through, partner betrayal ranks very high towards the top. A trauma bond occurs and if not worked through, the partner will most likely not be able to trust again. [13:02] Healing isn’t an overnight process. It may take the same amount of time in healing for betrayal as it does for an addict to heal their brain, sometimes even over 3-5 years. [18:40] Working on the relationship provides an opportunity for parents to show their children what it looks like when two adults trust, respect, and listen to each other. [23:11] Help. Her. Heal is something the addict will read and buy, but the betrayed partner is encouraged to be in on the work as well. It will work best when they use it and apply the principles together. The work can also be shared with any therapist or clinician the couple is working with. [24:55] Carol has the oldest running podcast in the field of sexual addiction and partner betrayal on the internet.
RESOURCES: Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Rob@sexandrelationshiphealing.com BlogTalkRadio -- Carol the Coach
QUOTES:
| |||
| 31 Aug 2023 | Part 1: Couples, Conflict and Resolution with Dr. Stan Tatkin | 00:37:41 | |
Dr. Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT, is a clinician, researcher, teacher, and developer of A Psychobiological Approach to Couples Therapy® (PACT). He has a clinical practice in Calabasas, CA, and developed the PACT Institute for the purpose of training other psychotherapists to use this method in their clinical practice. In this episode, Dr. Stan discusses what really is the glue that keeps relationships together, why they are so messy, and how you can better define it with the person you love.
TAKEAWAYS: [3:50] Let’s talk about conflict in a relationship. [5:05] What do people actually view as ‘important’? [7:05] People have the ability to ‘make things up’, so it’s important that you and your partner are on the same page when it comes to a relationship. [9:25] Someone might be something you’ve always wanted, but they’re also going to be a lot of things that ‘you don’t want’. It’s important to navigate through that. [11:20] There has to be a reason why two people join together and it has to be for more than just love. [18:50] How can you move through a relationship consciously? [23:00] When you’re in the middle of conflict, how do you resolve it or go through it in a healthy way? [28:35] Sometimes, you need to fall on your sword so that you and your partner can find a way to communicate again. It’s a team sport. [32:40] Like with everything, good conflict resolution is a skill that anybody can learn. As you learn, you’ll make mistakes, you won’t be perfect, but you will get better at it. [33:30] How do you have agreement when there’s been a betrayal?
RESOURCES: Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss In Each Other’s Care by Dr. Stan Tatkin
QUOTES:
| |||
| 15 Mar 2024 | Part 1: Voices of Hope For, and By, Women Who Have Been Betrayed | 00:43:50 | |
Annie and Melissa are two women who have experienced deep marital betrayal in their relationship. The signs weren’t always clear as to what was going on, but when the wool had been pulled over their eyes, the amount of emotions, judgment, and pain they experienced took a long time to recover from. These two women share their stories and also share why they decided to stay with their husbands and support them in their addiction.
TAKEAWAYS: [2:15] Today we hear from two women who have gone through painful marital betrayal. [2:45] Why did these two women agree to come on and share their painful story today? [3:50] When Melissa first found out about the betrayal, she didn’t see light at the end of the tunnel. Today, she does. [6:25] Melissa really felt like everything in her relationship was good…until it wasn’t. [13:00] What made Melissa throw her husband out of the house? [14:50] What is betrayal trauma and why do so many partners experience it after finding out about their spouses affairs? [20:00] Why did Annie stay in her relationship? [20:55] When discovery happened, Annie had been married nearly 29 years. [27:25] Dr. Rob defines what ‘porn’ means these days. It’s not just looking at a naked image anymore! [28:50] Guys look at porn, what’s the big deal? [31:15] Melissa’s husband would minimize her concerns when he was ‘out late’. She knew something was wrong, but couldn’t quite put her finger on why or what. [32:45] Melissa’s husband is now upset at himself that he missed so much of his children’s lives because of his addiction. [36:40] Annie shares that when people found out about her husband’s addiction, all the attention went to him. That’s when she felt so alone. [38:30] Annie felt a second betrayal from her husband’s CSAT. She was dismissed in her feelings and she had no support! [40:40] Melissa knew in her gut that something was wrong, so she snooped through his phone. When she found out all the lies and betrayal, she screamed so loud at him that it woke her children up. [41:15] Melissa found out that their couple’s therapist knew about some of his betrayals and kept this information from her. Dr. Rob said this behavior was a violation of trust for a couple’s therapist. If you’re a therapist, don’t do this!
RESOURCES: Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss
QUOTES:
| |||
| 30 Jan 2020 | Restored! Women, Porn, and Addiction with Alice Taylor | 00:38:28 | |
Porn is not only a guy’s issue. Women struggle with porn addiction, but you never hear about it. In fact, one in three visitors to adult websites is women! So why is there such silence for women looking for recovery resources? Alice Taylor overcame her addiction to porn by finding healthier, non-sexual, ways to have her needs met. She is the author of Restored: A Woman’s Guide to Overcoming Pornography. On this week’s episode, she shares her journey of recovery and the shame that surrounded her about sexuality and porn.
TAKEAWAYS: [2:00] What are the cultural differences between the U.S. and Australia? [5:20] Alice grew up in a household that absolutely didn’t talk about sex or sexuality. Why is this a problem? [6:50] Alice was 12. She was horny and she found porn on the internet. [8:50] The best way to talk about pornography online is by having a healthy conversation about it with your children, even when they’re 4 or 7, or 14. [10:35] When did Alice realize her porn addiction was a problem? [12:35] Alice entered into an abusive relationship because she was a vulnerable mess desperate for intimacy. [16:40] Alice is very thankful for therapy. She saw her therapist every two weeks for five years and it helped her process all her feelings and emotions. [20:55] How does Alice’s husband feel about Alice’s sexually disconnected past? [23:20] Before therapy, Alice was always afraid. [24:00] Boys and girls get caught up in porn often for different reasons. [27:30] Why did Alice write the book, Restored? [30:20] If you don’t heal your deeper issues, the porn addiction will come back. [33:30] Before Alice dated her husband, her previous sexual experiences were all bad. It was disconnected and unhealthy and Alice didn’t want to be there anymore. [35:20] Alice wants to help other women experiencing the same thing she did realize their power and overcome any shame they might have.
RESOURCES: The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency
Email Alice: Alice@TheGraceSpot.com Restored: A Woman's Guide to Overcoming Pornography Book by Alice Taylor
QUOTES:
| |||
| 24 Jun 2021 | How could you love AND Cheat on me? - Part 1 | 00:29:46 | |
In this week’s episode, Dr. Rob shares a webinar he did about addiction, relationship healing, low-self esteem, the power of denial, and so much more. As addicts, we become so disintegrated in our everyday lives. We do not believe our loved ones when they say they love us. We do everything in our power to push love away because we feel we do not deserve it. There’s a lot of internal shame that we face. Dr. Rob talks about how you can begin to live a life of integrity and value, and connection with your loved ones. It is possible! You just have got to take it step by step.
TAKEAWAYS: [2:45] What Rob is about to talk about is not therapy. It’s supplemental therapy. [3:55] Rob started doing this work when he was 26 years old. [4:55] Get a piece of pen and paper folks. You’ll be writing some notes down! [5:25] DENIAL: Don’t Even Know I Am Lying. [7:15] Here’s why denial is powerful to our survival. [12:25] Why is the word ‘integrity' so important? [13:40] In our addictions, we are disintegrated. [14:00] Addicts already have low-self esteem and hold a lot of shame. [14:50] What is the definition of intimacy? It’s not sex. [16:10] What breaks your partner’s heart is that they can’t trust you anymore. [20:10] Of course your spouse would be the last to know! They love you! They trust you! And now that trust is broken. [22:10] Spouses are looking through your phone to find that they can trust you again. [23:35] Rob wants you to write out the words ‘Addict’ and ‘Healthy Person’. [26:25] Healthy people choose reality. Addicts choose to live in fantasy. [28:40] You’re living in denial if you believe that your actions won’t affect others.
RESOURCES: The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Dr. Rob Guest Lecture on Sex and Relationship Healing
QUOTES:
| |||
| 29 Dec 2022 | Part 2 - Healing Work, Healing Home, Healing Me with Doug Tieman | 00:23:05 | |
Doug Tieman got his start in the treatment field over 40 years ago at the Hazelden Foundation. During his time there, he served as Executive Vice President of Marketing & Development. In 1995, he joined Caron Treatment centers as the President and CEO, a position he’s currently held for 28 years. In part 2 of this episode, Doug shares his own recovery journey and why his wife continued to stay by his side despite the bad reputation and betrayal he caused in active addiction. Doug and Dr. Rob also share when to seek out help if you’re struggling with a substance problem.
TAKEAWAYS: [1:25] Why did Doug’s wife stay by his side? [2:10] This is an illness. [2:55] As a way to repair the relationship, Doug started dating his wife again. [5:20] Doug felt so much guilt that he had failed his family. He decided to put 100% on his recovery, even if it meant working 14 hours on this to do so. [7:45] How could Doug love his wife and at the same time act out and be a sex & love addict? [9:10] Doug has a book out, Flying Over the Pigpen. What’s it about? [14:00] How do you find a good treatment facility? [16:00] What kind of questions should you be asking before you enter into a treatment facility? [17:25] What are the signs you need help? [19:10] With addiction, it only escalates.
RESOURCES: Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss Flying Over the Pigpen by Doug Tieman
QUOTES:
| |||
| 17 May 2018 | Rebuilding After Infidelity with Hope Ray | 00:39:25 | |
Hope Ray does amazing work in helping couples and individuals cope in the throes of a betrayal, and helps give them the opportunity to possibly even develop a higher quality of intimacy if they do decide to continue the relationship. She is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC), Certified Sex Addiction Therapist (CSAT), and a Certified Hope and Freedom Practitioner. Her experience has shown there is hope for healing even after the devastation of sexual secrets and infidelity. She and Rob talk about empathy for the partner, developing an intimacy radar and her intensive specialized programs to provide help in a great time of need.
TAKEAWAYS: [0:54] Hope’s work is focused on working with couples one at a time in an intensive, specialized environment. [2:27] Hope seeks to take away some of the stigma of addiction, and help both the addict and their partner know that help is out there. [5:39] For the partner experiencing the betrayal and learning to what extent they have been misled, they are often caught between the desire to run away from the situation and their own hurt, and having empathy for their emotionally ill spouse who may need their support to get better. [10:08] Sex addicts typically develop characteristics of entitlement, narcissism, and dishonesty to cover up the guilt of acting out. [13:58] Addicts may be able to balance home and family life with their secret for a while, but will show up in a way that is disconnected and not fully present. [20:14] Rob and Hope support partners in their work by acknowledging their pain and not trivializing the trauma they are experiencing. Partners usually feel shame and guilt that they didn’t know what was happening, even if others around them were aware. [22:14] Hope encourages her clients to be able to detect low levels of intimacy, to express it to their partner and become aware of their own needs that constitute a healthy relationship. [32:14] Partners should be careful who they choose to talk to, individuals who can’t worsen the situation later by knowing the deep dark secrets of the situation. Both Hope and Rob suggest finding a professional in the field that specializes in sex and relationship healing.
RESOURCES Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency
QUOTES: “When we are living two separate lives, we develop a lot of poor character traits in order to keep these secrets.”
“They may show up, but half the time they aren’t emotionally present.” ---(Rob said “they”, but in case you want to change it to addicts)
“Partners are so misunderstood. It’s really important they don’t experience blame for their partner's sexual behavior in any way.”
“I believe one of the greatest powers we can give partners is the ability to detect intimacy.” - Hope
| |||
| 01 Jul 2021 | How could you love AND Cheat on me? — Part 2 | 00:29:58 | |
In this week’s episode, Dr. Rob shares part 2 of a webinar he did about addiction, relationship healing, low-self esteem, the power of denial, and so much more. When Dr. Rob was at the height of his addiction, he felt terrible all the time. He felt ashamed, he was suffering from depression, and he was wondering why. Despite this, he never wanted to pin his depression on his addictions. He was looking for every excuse in the book to not live a life of integrity. Addicts love to live in their own fantasy and will do everything they can, blame anyone they can, to keep that ruse up. Healthy people live in their reality and realize ‘Oops, that hurts me. I need to stop’, and they do! Dr. Rob talks about how to wake up and start living in reality again.
TAKEAWAYS: [1:30] The breaking of trust is what destroys our spouses. [4:00] A healthy person recognizes their reality and changes their bad actions. Addicts blame reality because it means they can keep living in their fantasy and in their addiction. They choose to blame reality for their bad actions. [7:40] Addicts shift their focus to, “How can I keep doing what I’m doing and get away with it?” [8:10] At the height of Dr. Rob’s addiction, he wondered why he was so depressed all the time. It was because he was having sex with strangers who he had no connection with! [10:30] Dr. Rob realized he had been running away from home his whole life. Yet home was what he deeply wanted! [13:00] Let’s talk about plate spinning. [13:55] We live in our own lies. [18:00] How do addicts compartmentalize their lives so well? [19:50] What is the true path to happiness? [23:25] Dr. Rob answers a listener's question about compartmentalization. [25:25] Dr. Rob answers another question. “I feel like being real with my spouse is hurting more than helping.”
RESOURCES: The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Dr. Rob Guest Lecture on Sex and Relationship Healing
QUOTES:
| |||
| 15 Feb 2024 | Going to Therapy Doesn’t Have to Be Impossible with Jason VanRuler | 00:44:26 | |
Jason VanRuler is a therapist, coach, speaker, and author dedicated to impacting those who make an impact. His first book, Get Past Your Past, is all about establishing a mindset of emotional health and resilience to find lasting wholeness. In this episode, Jason shares his personal self-development journey, why going to therapy is so difficult for so many people, and why our natural inclination is to hurt others; intentionally or not.
TAKEAWAYS: [4:15] A little bit about Jason and how he became a therapist. [10:10] Due to Jason’s rough upbringing, he knew he had to work on himself first before helping others. [14:40] Jason explains the reason why he likes to host outdoor retreats and how it helps with the healing process. [21:30] Best way to change your past and maladaptive behaviors is by surrounding yourself with different people. [22:05] It’s important to be honest with yourself and really benchmark where you’re currently are. [25:15] The more successful we get, the less likely we become surrounded by people who tell us the truth. [30:15] Therapists are truth tellers and this is why going to therapy is so hard. [37:45] There was a time in Jason’s life where going to therapy seemed impossible. [38:45] What can we do today that empowers a better story? [40:45] Have a question for Jason? Reach out!
RESOURCES: Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss
QUOTES:
| |||
| 13 Jun 2019 | Understanding Professionals in Crisis with Ryan Patrick Bayley, MD | 00:35:24 | |
Even those of us with the most education and opportunities can still end up struggling with intimacy, drugs, and addiction. Executive Coach Dr. Ryan Bayley joins the show today to discuss his work helping professionals redesign their life events to close the gap between where they are and where they want to be. Ryan draws from his own experience in Emergency Medicine to coach physicians from anywhere to burnout to just looking to find more stability in their life. He also shares why physicians have a high burnout rate of almost 60%, what burnout looks like, what types of situations tend to get professionals in trouble, and how working with a coach can help.
TAKEAWAYS: [1:44] Ryan himself is double-boarded in Emergency Medicine and Emergency Medical Services, and holds an adjunct faculty position at the Duke University School of Medicine. Ryan went to medical school at Vanderbilt University School of Medicine and completed his undergraduate at Harvard University. [2:05] Ryan became a coach because he feels physicians and high performing individuals should feel engaged and challenged, and yet not at the cost of being able to honor what is important to them outside of work. [3:08] Often the high performing professions are in an environment where they have a lot of responsibility and there is little tolerance for error or weakness. This is especially true for physicians, and burnout will cause them to act out and possibly lose a career for which they sacrificed years and much of their identity. Physicians have a 60% burnout rate, and a single act of disruptive behavior can lead to them losing their license completely. [14:37] As a coach, Ryan sits down with his client and helps develop a vision step by step of where they want to be from a holistic point of view. They then map out action steps to get there, and the accountability steps it will take to move forward towards that vision. This is similar to the mindfulness and support that a sponsor for a 12 Step program would give someone they are working with. [22:25] It is possible to be very smart, and yet emotionally empty and dissatisfied at the same time. Physicians especially are often very high achievers, perfectionists and do extreme work. They “need to be needed” and Ryan works with them to have them achieve as much health in their career, or possibly realize they are ready for a career change. [28:42] Since physicians rely on trust from their patients and the families of their patients, there is little room for instability and symptoms of burn out. Having a coach like Ryan can help them find stability and reflection to do their best, so their health is in good shape to in turn help others. [32:41] Working with a coach is a two way street, and it is important to discuss goals with your potential coach to see if it is a match for both parties.
RESOURCES: Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Rob@sexandrelationshiphealing.com (919) 951-7709
QUOTES:
| |||