Sex for Saints (Amanda Louder)

Do you have a healthy marriage and sexual relationship? How do you know if you do or not? In this week’s episode, I am sharing the 6 Principles of Healthy Sexuality and what a healthy relationship looks like. This is a great way to see what areas you and your spouse can improve upon and strengthen.

One topic I hear often from my clients is that their kids are ruining their sex life.  They are so exhuasted from being a mom, that sex is the last thing they want or have time for.  Today I have good news - it doesn’t have to be this way.  I am going to tell you why putting that relationship first is critical. I will teach you how to show your kids that you love them - but also show them that your spouse comes first. It is the best thing you can do for your kiddos.  If you are married with children - this podcast is not to be missed.

In Come Follow Me this coming week, we read about Paul’s sexual purity letter to the Corinthians. Because of this, I think it’s a great time to not only talk to your kids about sex, but also talk to their teachers about how they will teach this lesson. We need to break the cycle of shaming our kids into not having sex. And that can start with you. Listen to this episode to learn about how to teach your kids about sex, shame free, so they can have a healthy relationship with sex throughout their lives. I know from personal experience that this is an awkward discussion, but it’s one we need to have so let me help you navigate it.

Have you ever thought about what drives your sexual desire? One key factor is the freedom we feel in our lives. Freedom plays a vital role in fostering vibrant sexuality and intimacy, and without it, we may experience disconnection, frustration, or stagnation. In this episode, we’ll explore the powerful link between freedom and sex, why it’s so crucial, and how you can create more freedom in both your personal life and sexual relationships.

Chances are, your sex life isn’t what you thought it would be.  Whether it’s not as pleasurable, you just can’t seem to find the desire, or you and your spouse just don’t see eye to eye, it’s time to start figuring it out.  Find out how you can make sex better for you on this week’s episode.

We have all heard the phrase or experienced in real life that marriage requires hard work. But do you understand the why? Today I will let you in on the secret. I am also discussing how to be more at peace with yourself and others. I will talk about how to truly love yourself more. Loving and accepting yourself will help you love others more and help you achieve your “happily ever after.”

Do you have confidence? Do you have self-confidence?  What is the difference? How does confidence and self-confidence effect your marriage? Find out more on this week’s episode!

Have you ever watching your brain think?  It’s a fascinating process and very insightful into why we are feeling and behaving in certain ways.  By becoming a watcher of our thoughts, we can gain power over them and figure out which thoughts are serving us best.  

In the final installment of my series on improving communication in our marriage, I have Tony Overbay, a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and host of the wildly popular podcast, The Virtual Couch.

I asked Tony to share with us how Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), a modality he uses in couples counseling, can help us improve the communication with our partner.  He gives us some practical tips of what we can do together, what we can do on our own, and when its time to seek additional help.  

Show Notes:

You can find more information from Tony here:
TonyOverbay.com
Instagram: @thevirtualcouch
Facebook: @tonyoverbaylmft
Podcast: The Virtual Couch

I have a lot of men come to me wanting to be coached. And while I feel for them, I have dedicated my life to helping women with their sexuality. But in this episode, I want to talk to you men out there. I know that you want to change things in your marriage, and not just because you want more sex, but because you want a truly intimate marriage. Let’s look at what you can do to help and what you shouldn’t do.

Through my own experience and coaching women for five years, I have come to know what the sexual conditioning of women is in our Christian faith, and how to help them. But women aren’t the only ones affected by our teachings. Men hear that they are the head of the household and women are there to nurture them, including giving them what they “need”. Men hear that they are to push down their emotions to be manly. Along with so many other damaging things. So in this episode, we’re going to talk about those misconceptions and, more importantly, what you can do about them.

I’ve recently been studying Genesis in the Bible. I feel like I’ve gotten a whole new perspective on the Creation story and Adam and Eve. As I read these scriptures, I kept thinking about my clients, my coaching, and my listeners. Though this episode may be formatted a little bit differently than you’re used to, I want to share with you what I’ve learned about how Adam and Eve and the Creation can help you in your marriage. You may look at it a little differently when you’re done.

You asked for it - you got it.  To all of you women who are the higher desire partner - here you go. This podcast will go over emotional, physical and psychological reasons why your spouse may not have the same level of desire you do. We will discuss some underlying reasons that may be the culprit.  Some conditions may need to be addressed or you may just need to fill the gap between you with some conversation and understanding.  Whatever the reasons might be or whatever the distance of the gap between you, there are answers. There are solutions. 

What comes to mind when you think about the word purity? I am a big believer that words matter so in this episode, let’s talk about what purity actually means and what that definition, which is different than what you think it is, is doing to your relationship with yourself and your sex life. It’s time to break free of the purity culture that many of us were raised in and see ourselves and our sexuality as it really is!

In this episode, I want to talk about something that may make you feel a little uncomfortable - mining for conflict. It is absolutely crucial for the health and intimacy of our relationships, but what is mining for conflict? It means actively seeking out and addressing underlying issues in a relationship. Finding these conflicts before they escalate into bigger issues and addressing the problems. Why rock the boat? Well, even if you’re ignoring them, the issues are still there. I’m going to give you real steps to take to not only find the conflicts, but to fix them as well.

My clients often say that they don’t communicate well with their husbands, but actually, we as humans are really good at communicating. In fact, only about 7% of communication is verbal. We pick up on the non-verbal cues that our spouses are giving us, and sometimes we don’t like what we “hear.” So in this podcast, I’m talking to you pursuers out there. (I’m talking directly to the men today, but there are also women who do this too.) The pursuers are the ones who feel like when their wife says no, that just means try harder. You’ve already caught her since you’re married. Are you actually causing her to run when you chase her?

What is enthusiastic consent and why do we need to talk about it? That’s what we’re going to delve into in this episode. We have to enthusiastically consent to sex every single time. Just laying there and letting him do whatever he wants isn’t enthusiastic consent. Listen in to see how to give enthusiastic consent and how much better it can make your sex life.

Is it time to ditch your pajamas? This topic may make you blush, but let’s talk about why we might want to think about sleeping nude or partially nude. From the benefits, challenges, and health advantages, to how to introduce it to your partner, we’ll talk about the surprising impact it could have on your relationship. So, sit back, get comfortable, and let’s talk.

For the last couple of episodes, we’ve been talking about the different levels of sex. So, in this episode, we’re going to talk about the pinnacle of marital intimacy - Level 3 Sex. I’ll explain all about what Level 3 Sex is, why couples would aspire to reach it, and how both partners can contribute to this sacred and transformative journey. This is the destination that I want for every couple! Listen in as I explain the why’s and how’s of Level 3 Sex.

In this episode, I am speaking with Rhonda Farr. Rhonda is a life coach who works with men and their emotional intimacy. We talk about the high achieving/peacekeeper dynamic that we see so often in marriages. Usually, it’s the husband who is the high achiever and the wife who goes along with what he wants to keep the peace. But as you’ll see, this doesn’t actually help either party. Rather than feeling safe, both spouses end up feeling resentment, anger, anxiety, and depression. So, what can you do if you find yourself in this dynamic? We have the answers.

You can find Rhonda at:

www.rhondafarr.com

On Instagram at rhondafarr_coaching

Is sex the last thing on your to-do list?  Or maybe it’s not even making the cut.  With the busy lives we live today, unless we carve out time and make sex and connection a priority, it just doesn’t seem to happen.  In this episode, I share with you ideas of why you want to carve out that time and how to do so.

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Most of us will say that our marriage is our most important relationship.  Yet we often let things get in the way of making it great and our marriage gets put on the back burner.  Whether that is kids, work, hobbies, or church callings, we don’t put enough into our relationship.  And that relationship is barely surviving instead of thriving.  And when our relationship suffers, often so does our sexual relationship. So in this episode, let’s talk about 11 ways to make a marriage thrive. We’ll discuss how these strategies can help both your marriage relationship and your sexual relationship because we often talk of sex as a need, but it’s not a need like air, food or water is a need. But it is a need for the thriving marriage that we want.

Sex, intimacy, and personal growth are all tied together. And when your partner doesn’t want to grow sexually, but you do, it can cause a lot of conflict. It’s not uncommon to find yourself in a situation like this, so in this episode, I’m going to share with you three steps to take to understand the situation completely. I’ll even share with you what to say that may help the situation.

Wanting validation from our spouse is pretty normal.  We want to feel loved, desired, and validated by the person we love most.  

Why do we want that?  Why do we want anything? We want something because of how we think it will make us feel when we get it.  But feeling validated, worthy, and loved is available to you all the time without them ever having to say a word.

When we understand who we are and our unchanging worth, needing outside validation is no longer something we need or crave.

What do you believe about sex?  How do those beliefs shape the way you view your sex life?  In my coaching, I have found that many women have underlying beliefs that sex is shameful, embarrassing, un-virtuous, or that it’s all about their husband.  These beliefs are preventing them from having the amazing sex life that they could be having with their spouse.  What could your life and sex life be like if those beliefs changed?  What do you want to believe about sex?  

In several scriptures in the New Testament it says that the Savior was “Moved with Compassion” and then a miracle followed.  When we have compassion for ourselves and compassion for our spouse and others, what kind of miracles will we see in our own life and around us?

Show Notes

In several scriptures in the New Testament it says that the Savior was “Moved with Compassion”  The dictionary says:

Moved means: to prompt or rouse to the doing of something AND

Compassion means: a sympathetic consciousness of others' distress together with a desire to alleviate it

So When it says the Savior was “Moved with Compassion” because he was a Sympathetic person He was Prompted or Roused with to do something to alleviate the distress of someone.

And then if you keep reading in the scriptures when He’s moved to compassion some sort of miracle followed…

So compassion for someone brought about a miracle…

I talk to my clients a lot about acting from emotions that produce their best self.  I feel like LOVE is one of the best emotions we can act from to produce our best life.  Love for ourselves and love for others. That is why I called this podcast Live from Love.  So we can LIVE and ACT from our Best Self and LOVE produces that result.

But often when a situation or circumstance happens to us or around us, we think thoughts that don’t prompt love, but prompt other emotions that don’t show our best selves.

Anger, Irritability, Sadness, Jealousy, Frustration…. these kinds of emotions don’t MOVE us to act with LOVE and Compassion.  They often MOVE us to act in ways that are not our best.

So When my clients have thoughts that produce these emotions and they are not acting as their best selves, I talk to my them about 

1. Having Compassion for themselves
2. Having Compassion for others, which eventually brings LOVE, even when its hard.

Having Compassion for Ourselves

We are human.  It is part of our journey here on earth to make mistakes.  In fact, that was an essential part of the plan.  Our Heavenly Father knew this.  He knew we would make mistakes.  He counted on it.  That is why He gave us a Savior and the Atonement.

So why do we beat ourselves up so much when we make mistakes?  When we don’t handle things exactly as we should?  When we aren’t our best selves?

Our Heavenly Father loves us so much.  He VALUES us so  much.  

It says in The Book of Moses that his entire purpose is to bring us back to Him because he values our imperfect selves SO MUCH  “This is my work and my glory, to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man”

Who are we to say otherwise?  That we are not of value? That we are not worthy of love? That who we are, who He created us to be, is not enough?  That mistakes He knew we would make make before we even came to earth would make us unworthy to be loved by Him and others?

It’s just NOT true.  It’s a lie we tell ourselves.  It’s a lie that Satan wants us to believe.

So I coach my clients a lot on loving themselves and having COMPASSION for themselves FIRST.  Having compassion for the mistakes that they make.  Having compassion for our natural human inadequacies.  Having compassion for the thoughts our brain automatically thinks.  We were created in our Heavenly Father’s image.  He has compassion for us.  He embodies compassion.  So should we.  For ourselves and others.  Compassion is our deepest nature.

Our brain

I want you to think about when you put on a pair of pants.  Now when you were little, your mom probably had to teach you that you make sure you are putting them on the right way, that the tag goes in the back.  And then you put one leg in and then the other, and then you pull them up and do up the button and the zipper.  And when you were little you had to think about each little step.  But as you learned how and did it over and over, it became automatic.  I bet you don’t even think about it anymore.  You just put on your pants.  That’s because that was designated to the lower brain.  It’s a habit.  It doesn’t need much thought.

Our brains are often on autopilot.  The lower brain - the one that gives us all these thoughts to protect us is really good at being on autopilot.  That’s its job.  When we form habits and we don’t really have to think about things much anymore, like putting on pants, those things get designated to the lower brain, 

That’s what our lower brain is really good for.  When we leave it unsupervised, it’s default is to keep doing what its used to doing and to keep us alive.  To protect us.  Protect us physically and emotionally.  It’s watching out for tigers and mean girls.

So when something happens that it thinks is a threat - it starts sending us all sorts of thoughts to help keep us safe.  That’s its job.  That’s what it is supposed to do.

But those thoughts are not always helpful.  So that is why I tell my clients that they need to be compassionate with themselves when they start to notice these thoughts that aren’t helpful.  

Remember that its just our brain trying to protect us and we need to engage our higher brain and have a  sympathetic consciousness of the lower brains distress and try to alleviate it.  We have COMPASSION for our lower brain doing its job trying to protect us.

We need to have COMPASSION for us being who our Heavenly Father created us to be - a human who makes mistakes.

Developing COMPASSION and eventually LOVE for others.

Sometimes that is hard to do.  Especially when that person has done something to hurt us or someone we love.  

So let’s take it to the extreme first.  Because when I work with clients on the concept of unconditional love I often get push back about the extremes.  How can I think thoughts that make me FEEL love for rapists and murderers?

So say that someone murdered your neighbors child.  Your lower brain - wanting to protect you - tells you to think thoughts of HATE for this person.  WE can not LIKE him.  We definitely can not LOVE him.  No way.  No how.  Your lower brain doesn’t want you to think loving or compassionate thoughts for this person because its trying to keep you alive.

But I want you to engage your higher brain.  I want you to get curious about what this person must have been through in his life to make him think that murdering someone was an ok thing to do?  Someone probably severely abused him.  He was not taught right from wrong.  He wasn’t taught that he had any value on this earth.  He was in such emotional pain that he thought murdering someone was the right choice.

Isn’t that sad?  Isn’t it so sad that someone could do that to another human being? That they could be in such emotional pain that they would make such a horrible choice.  My heart goes out to that person.  And while I know what he did was wrong, I can have COMPASSION for him and LOVE him for everything he has been through to bring him to this point.  

When I am trying to have compassion for the other person, I try to see them as the Savior would see them.  Would He see them as some evil individual who is not worthy of any sort of compassion or love?  No!  He would see them as His brother and someone who is damaged and hurting and needs LOVE and COMPASSION in the worst way.

Compassion and LOVE does NOT excuse the behavior.  It does NOT mean that there shouldn’t be consequences for behavior.  It doesn’t mean you need to spend time with or be around that person.  It just means that you are trying to understand where that person is coming from and loving them for who they are (a valuable child of God) and not for what they have done or not done in this imperfect human existence.

How can we have more compassion in our marriages? 

Can we see the other person for who they really are?  What their human struggles are?  Can we get curious as to why they behave the way they do instead of judging them for it?  

Let me give you an example - 

I have a client who’s husband often says unkind things to her and tries to control everything she does.  Her first thought is “He shouldn’t do that” and she often questions her own value and self-worth because of the things he says to her.   She says she is having a hard time loving him.

So I asked her to get curious about why he says those things.  Could they be true? What would prompt him to say unkind things to her?  We talked about how it is NEVER ok for someone to mistreat you and it’s important to set boundaries when that happens.  But we try to  be curious about WHY and have COMPASSION for that person and the challenges they face in their own mind.  

Eventually, after setting boundaries, and not letting herself be mistreated, she asked him about it.  He had been abandoned by his mother and was afraid of losing her (like he lost his mom).  So he was trying to control everything she did so that he wouldn’t lose her.  But in the process, he was driving her away.

When she understood WHY, she felt compassion for him.  She was able to let him know that it wasn’t ok what he was doing.  That controlling her was actually making her want NOT be with him.  But she wanted to stay married to him.  So if he would be kind and loving, they could build a loving and lasting marriage.  

That marriage could have ended.  She could have left because of the way he was treating her.  But she hasn’t left him.  The marriage is still a work in progress, but it is still there.   She is loving him and having compassion for who he is and what he has been through instead of just being judgmental about his judgements and hurt by them.  I think that’s a miracle.

When we are moved to compassion we transcend ourselves to the level of someone else and help raise them to a better place.  And when we do that, miracles can happen.

I love this quote by Dieter F. Uchtdorf

“Great marriages are built brick by brick, day after day over a lifetime….If you keep adding pebbles of kindness, compassion, listening, sacrifice, understanding, and selflessness, eventually a mighty pyramid will begin to grow.  If it appears to take forever, remember, happy marriage are meant to last forever.”

Isn’t that’s great?

How to have compassion in our marriages

So besides getting curious about why our spouse (or others) are the way they are, having compassion for that, and loving them despite their imperfections.  I wanted to share with you a few more ideas on how you can be more compassionate in your marriage. 

1. Let go of expectations - we’ve talked about this one a lot in past episodes.  Letting go of expectations and just loving our spouse for who they are is VERY compassionate.
2. Stop asking “What’s Wrong” and instead as “What day you need form me in this moment”  Crappy days happen for everyone - understand that they can happen for your spouse too and its ok for them to be in a bad mood sometimes.
3. Ask your partner what compassion means for them.  It might mean something completely different than it does to you.
4. Be there for them physically and emotionally.  You don’t even have to say a word - a kind touch and a listening ear can often be all that they need.
5. Admit that you might be wrong.  Your way isn’t always best.
6. Be truthful.  Honesty equals compassion.  Even when its hard.
7. Examine your motives.  Are you being compassionate out of expectations of return or because you truly care?
8. Draw the line.  Compassion doesn’t mean over giving or co-dependency.  Compassion simply allows you to care without losing yourself.
9. Take care of yourself too - being compassionate with others doesn’t mean "putting your needs aside.

This week I want you to think about when your spouse has shown compassion for you.  How has that helped raise you up?  How has that helped your relationship? How can you do that for them?  How can you create more miracles in your life and the lives around you by showing compassion to yourself and your spouse?

There is a Come, Follow Me lesson coming up in the youth program about the Law of Chastity. I feel that we need to be careful when we’re teaching our kids about sex to not use the fear or shame-based language that was used when we were taught about the Law of Chastity, because I see the results of that every day when I work with my clients. I know that we as parents and leaders are doing the best we can so I created a lesson plan for the youth leaders to know what to say and what to teach and how to say it in order to break that cycle of shame. I’ve also created a parent’s guide to help you talk about this upcoming lesson beforehand. Sex is great! It’s fun! And we want our kids to have that great sexual relationship when they’re married. But we also want to give them the information they need to make an empowered choice.

To download the lesson plan and parent guide, go to: www.amandalouder.com/podcast/216/

So many women I’ve talked to have said that they don’t have any desire to have sex anymore. It’s just gone. Now, I’ve talked about desire a lot on this podcast, but today I want to talk to you about one thing that I haven’t talked about before and it just may blow your mind. So, listen in while we talk about desire and how it’s affecting your sex life.

Many of our marriage stories start out the same- but what happens after we say “I do?” That is where things can start to change.  You may have started to see your partner for who they truly were - and the more you saw - the more concerned you became.  Today on the podcast, I am going to talk about codependent relationships and ways to recognize if you are in one, why it is important to free yourself and how I can help.

Is your husband always initiating sex? In a recent study, that’s what they found, that often men are the ones initiating. But why aren’t you initiating sex? Today we are looking at the reasons why we as women don’t initiate sex, why we should, and how to do it. 

Is it possible to be sexual and spiritual? Of course it is! Sexuality is a God-given part of us and if we deny that part, we will never be truly whole. Becoming whole means accepting and developing your sexuality and eroticism as a vital part of your mortal existence.  This means instead of shutting down your sexuality constantly you need to work on developing it in a way that blesses your life as an individual and blesses your marriage. Listen to this episode to find out how.

When it comes to life, our perception is our reality. And these perceptions also shape our sexual relationships. Unfortunately, we often look at these perceptions as facts rather than realizing that they are an interpretation of facts. So, in this episode, we are going to talk about our perceptions, how they are shaped, and what those perceptions create in our sexual relationship. I specifically talk about the perceptions that we have around being the lower desire partner or the higher desire partner and our spouse in their role as well. Let’s talk about why it’s good to be aware of our perceptions and try to change them in some instances.

Have you ever felt like your sex life is stuck in a predictable, comfortable routine? It’s not unusual to feel this way but how do you get out of it? Let me answer that question and more in this episode. We will talk about a concept called “Sexual Leftovers,” those things that feel safe and not too scary in the bedroom, instead of the intimate connection that you want sex to be. And we will talk about how to address those underlying anxieties that keep you and your partner from enjoying your sex life to the fullest. There is no need to be stagnant. You can reignite that spark!

Get ready. . .because the title of today’s podcast may already have you squirming. But understanding and getting help with anal sex is only one topic I will be discussing. You will learn about emotional pressure - what it is - and when it’s not OK. I have some awesome tips for communicating openly and honestly with your spouse concerning your desires. . .and theirs. How can you come to a clear agreement on what you both want or need? Listen up and I will walk you through the needed steps to resolve these issues and more.

Did the title of this podcast surprise you? It surprises a lot of my clients too. But it actually makes a lot of sense that you don’t like sex. In this episode, we talk about the top reasons why you don’t like sex. Which one will resonate with you? Then we talk about why those reasons make it so you don’t like sex. Maybe in the end, you’ll find that what you’ve been thinking all along may not be the actual problem.

Our overall wellness as women is so important for not just our lives, but also our sexual being. So today I’m talking with Holly Henry all about sexual wellness. She is a nurse practitioner who doesn’t just look at the physical symptoms, but the hormonal and beyond to help you live your best life. This podcast is coming out today because we have a very exciting announcement to make! Listen in to find out just what it is.

But first, a little about Holly. She is the founder of Lotti Aesthetics and Wellness. Combined she has 20 years of experience in women’s health and aesthetics. Holly has trained medical providers all over the United States at the National Institute of Medical Aesthetics. She is a certified trainer and provider in advanced women’s health modalities like the O-shot and has performed the service for many years. Her passion has always been to empower women with confidence. Holly not only provides beautiful natural results, she also focuses on the connection between the mind, body, and spirit. Holly brings a gentle touch, compassion, experience, and care to each patient experience.

Desire is a topic that comes up a lot in my coaching business. Couples often wonder why she's just not in the mood so in this episode, we're going to talk about 4 possible reasons why. While this isn't a complete list, these are the reasons I hear most often. So listen in to not only find out why she's just not in the mood but also what you can do about it.

All of us make mistakes when it comes to sex.  In this episode, we discuss 10 common mistakes almost every couple makes with sex and how to overcome them.

Do you ever notice things about your life and think “I wish they were different?” or maybe you see what has happened and blame others for how you think and feel.  In either case, in this episode we will talk about owning your result and taking responsibility for what is going on in your life.  This is the best news ever, because it means you have the power to change it.

In this episode, I speak with Mike Peterson about his experiences with fixing his sexual relationship in his marriage. I am so excited to share with you the male perspective of what happens in a marriage when you become more like roommates than intimate partners. Mike lives in Sandy, Utah with his wife Tami and their 5 kids. His passion is talking with other men who are struggling in their relationships to help them avoid some of the mistakes he made while trying to improve his own marriage.

Have you heard about sleep divorce? "Sleep divorce" is a situation where couples sleep separately on a regular basis to improve their sleep quality due to issues like snoring, different sleeping schedules, or personal preferences. Studies show that it can help save relationships, but it may also cause problems. Listen to this episode to find out what those problems may be and how to make it work in your relationship.

In part 2 of my interview with Allen Turner, let’s talk about kink and BDSM. I know those can be scary words, even Allen admits to being put off by the terms at first, but when you get down to it, they really are quite freeing. If you’re ready to embrace something different in the bedroom, and find out why it’s ok, this is the episode for you. I know this one will spark a great discussion between you and your spouse!

Latter Day Kink Facebook Group

In this episode I’m talking with Mike Frazier, MD of Strong Men, Strong Marriages. I share what the woman thinks when she says that she doesn’t care if she ever has sex again. And then Mike lets us in on what the men think about. This is a great episode where you can really see what is going on in your husband’s mind when it comes to sex and intimacy and he could get a glimpse into what you think as well. 

If you’d like to learn more about Mike, go to www.mikefraziermd.com or find his podcast, Strong Men, Strong Marriages, on your favorite podcasting app.

Often in marriage, if there is disconnect in one part of the relationship, there is also disconnect in the bedroom. That’s how I came to know my guest today, Lisa. After getting married in the Temple, Lisa’s husband had a faith crisis and left the Church. Lisa was angry at him for changing the future that she had envisioned for them. She and her husband found therapy and that really has helped her marriage, but she still didn’t want to have any sort of intimacy in their relationship. That’s what brought her to coaching. I love what Lisa shares about hope and love and joy in this episode. Even if you are not going through the same thing, you will love her message.

Often we react to situations in a split second.  We are not even conscious of the thoughts that drive our feelings and actions and we react to a situation poorly.  In this episode, you will learn how to respond to a situation instead of reacting to get better results in your life.

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Show Notes:

Reacting vs. Responding

Show Summary:

Let’s talk about reacting vs. responding.  Some people use these words interchangeably, but I think there is a big difference between the two.

Reaction

A reaction happens in a split second.  It’s driven by an unconscious thought and it’s usually based on thoughts we tend to think over and over and over.

Most often our reactions (since they come from not thoughts you aren’t thinking on purpose) don’t take into consideration the long term effects of what you do or say.  It might turn out okay, but often a reaction is something you regret later.

Response

A response on the other hand, usually comes more slowly.  A response usually comes from being intentional and purposely thinking something.  You take into consideration how you want to show up in that situation, and others around you.  You can also weigh out the consequences of your decision.

The reaction and the response may look the same, but they FEEL very different because of the thoughts behind them.

For example - Say your spouse says something to you that touches a nerve.  Normally you react by getting defensive.  Maybe you criticize him in some way.  Maybe you yell and scream.  Or maybe you just feel awful about yourself and withdraw.  That is a reaction.

A response would be to take a breath. Think about how you want to show up in that situation.  Do you want to yell and criticize? Do you want to feel awful about yourself and withdraw?  Maybe, when you think about it you want to seek understanding of where you spouse is coming from and why they are feeling the way they are.  It doesn’t mean you agree with them, but you can respond in a way that is more in line with your values.

We all know there is a difference in responding vs. reacting, but the more reacting we do, the less empowered we are.  When we operate from underlying beliefs and are not intentional in our lives most often our results are less than stellar and not what we want them to be.

So how do we fix this?

The first step is to become aware of what those underlying thoughts and beliefs are.  This takes time and work.

When a situation happens that we reacted to, we need to go back and analyze it.  Do a model on it.  Figure out that thought so we can gain awareness over it.  Awareness of those underlying thoughts in and of itself is so powerful.

The next time it happens something similar happens, we may react in the exact same way, and that is ok.  Just be compassionate with yourself that you are still learning.  But go back again and analyze it.  What happened?  What was the thought that prompted me to feel and act this way?  More awareness.

Once you feel like you have a good understanding that it is NOT what your spouse said or did that made you react this way, but it was that unconscious thought, then you get some power over it and can move to a new intentional thought.

In 1998, researchers Anthony Greenwald, Debbie McGhee, and Jordan Schwarz introduced something called the Implicit Association Test.  It measured the milliseconds that it takes to connect pairs of ideas.  The test is based on the concept that you will be faster putting together ideas you already associate with one another.

For example - if the you think that someone criticizing you means that something is wrong with you then that association is what your brain will automatically go to.  But if you decide that if someone criticizes you, you don’t want to make it mean anything about you, that is not what you unconscious mind will naturally go to, so it will take extra time for your brain to make those new associations.

The important thing is to allow yourself that time.  When you feel yourself about to react, take a breathe.  Think your new thoughts, and then respond from a place of empowerment and choice rather than just react.

When we do this - we are interrupting our model.

Our original model was the circumstance, the unconscious thought, the feeling, and the action (or reaction), and our results that aren’t great. 

But in our interrupted model, we have our same circumstance (like our husband saying something we think is a criticism), and our brain jumps to our normal belief, but we stop, we take a breathe, we think our new thought and respond.

As we do this over and over, our brain will eventually start to connect the circumstance to our new thought automatically and we are able to respond instead of react in that scenario.

But just because you can do this in one scenario, doesn’t mean you will do it all scenarios and circumstances.  Each one will take intentional thoughts and work.  But you will get better and better at it with practice.

Sometimes when we learn about this we try to put it into practice immediately and get frustrated with ourselves when we continue to show up in ways that don’t serve us.  So make sure you are just taking things slow and just gaining the awareness first.  You need to have a firm grasp of the thought creating the feeling and driving the action before you try to correct it.

I have found this to be a very important skill in my parenting.  So many times my kids would be acting up or doing something that they always do and my unconscious thoughts were “why are they acting this way, they know better, they shouldn’t be doing this” which would cause me to feel frustrated and angry and I would yell at my kids.  But guess what, I hardly every yell at my kids anymore.  Because when they are acting up, my intentional thought is “of course they are acting this way, they’re kids or they’re teenagers, and I want to teach them and love them” and then I show up in that situation so much better to my kids.  I show up in love and peace and understanding rather than in anger or frustration.  I feel so much better about how I am showing up as their mom.

But I still have my moments where I don’t show up as my best self so it’s always important to go back in and repair.  According to the Gottman Institute, repair is less about fixing what’s broken and more about getting back on track.  It’s about forgiving yourself and understanding that you are human, you make mistakes, but you can apologize and get back on track with the relationship.  This takes vulnerability.  It means admitting your mistakes.  But it can really help create that bond in a relationship.

Do you know what a healthy relationship looks like? Many of us don’t because our parents didn’t know what a healthy couple looked like either. But we can change that now. In this episode, we’ll talk about why we want to have a healthy relationship beyond being a good example to our children. Then we will talk about what a healthy couple looks like. I’ll bet you’re already doing some of these things, so it’s time to add a bit more.

In this episode, Katelyn Peach, who is a Doctor of Physical Therapy, is going to be speaking with us about pelvic floor physical therapy for women. She treats patients with a variety of pelvic floor conditions so I was able to pick her brain on why you need to see a pelvic floor physical therapist, what she can do to help you, what that first visit will look like, and so much more! This is a must listen episode! Plus, next week, we will be talking about pelvic floor physical therapy for men so mark you calendars!

Katelyn Peach is a Doctor of Physical Therapy, specializing in pelvic floor physical therapy. She treats patients of all genders and ages with a variety of pelvic floor conditions, including sexual dysfunction, bowel and bladder issues, pelvic pain, and pregnancy/postpartum. 

Katelyn received her Bachelor's degree in Exercise Science from Brigham Young University, and her Doctorate of Physical Therapy from Rocky Mountain University. She has continued her education through Herman and Wallace Pelvic Rehabilitation Institute to specialize in pelvic floor. She currently works in a cash-based clinic in Murray, UT - Well Being Physical Therapy. 

In her spare time, Katelyn enjoys spending time with her husband and 3 kids, dancing, reading, and baking all things sourdough. 

You can find more information on her clinic's website, wellbeingphysicaltherapy.com, on Instagram @wellbeingphysicaltherapy, or on their Facebook page, www.facebook.com/pelvicphysicaltherapy.

The word SHOULD indicates an expectation, an obligation, a duty, and is typically used when criticizing someone.  And usually when we “should” on others we have an expectation that they be LIKE US.  And not only do we think they should be, think, or do like us, we expect them to be the perfect version of us. We have a personal set of rules of how people should conduct their lives.  And when they don’t, it totally sets us up for anger, negativity, and disappointment.  Talk about a set up for failure! Right? 

But when we drop the “shoulds” or the expectations we have of people, and just LOVE them we are able to create much better results in our lives, better relationships, and better marriages.

Show Notes

Spiritually Minded Mom - Episode 25: Mothering a Child with Mental Illness

If I had a dollar for every time a woman told me that their kids were keeping them from having sex, I would have added a lot to my piggy bank. What I have found is that the kids are often a convenient excuse, but really aren’t to blame for our lack of sex. In this episode, we’re talking about 5 common reasons women give me for children interupting their sex life and the strategies to overcome them. After all, your spouse is the most important relationship you have so let’s work together to help you have a better relationship with him.

Does your spouse have a hard time opening up to you?  Or maybe you feel anxious about the state of your relationship?   Both of these come from our attachment style and feeling emotionally safe in our relationship.  How can you feel emotionally safe in your relationship?  How can you try to help your spouse feel emotionally safe?  Find out how on this week's episode.

What is aftercare? Well, to put it simply, it’s what happens after you have sex. Do you jump right up and go on with your day or do you take some time to cuddle? Aftercare plays such a significant role in building and sustaining intimacy in a relationship. That’s why I want to talk about it in this episode. Why is aftercare so important and how to introduce it if it’s not already a part of your sexual routine. Let’s really break this down and talk about how aftercare impacts relationships at a deep level.

Wanting sex so you can feel closer to your spouse or because you want to connect with them is great. But sometimes, we start to seek validation through sex. When we’re seeking validation through sex, we see it as our partner not loving us when we aren’t having sex. We also feel rejected, which can cause a lot of hurt and anger. So, what can we do if we are starting to notice that we need sex to validate us? Listen to this episode to find out.

This week I had the privilege of interviewing Valerie Schwalbe from Well Being Physical Therapy in Murray Utah, specializing in the pelvic floor. If you have pain during sex, pelvic pain, leaking of any type, pelvic floor strain, feeling the effects of childbirth (episiotomy, scar tissue, prolapse, discomfort) or help with athletic performance - this podcast is for you. I think this covers just about everyone. You will learn what your pelvic floor supports and why it is just as critical to have therapy for the pelvic muscles as much as you would need therapy for a knee after surgery, She and I also tap into some of the reasons for sexual pain - the physical as well as emotional. Her treatment aligns heart and mind with the body. What you are experiencing may be common - all your friends may have the same problem - but that doesn’t mean it is normal. If you are in the Utah area, Valerie is seeing patients at Well Being Physical Therapy. https://www.wellbeingphysicaltherapy.com Or you can go to www.pelvicrehab.com to find a pelvic floor specialist in your area.

Podcast #102 is covering a few topics that will be beneficial to you right now.

I am talking about managing our brains around the stress and anxiety you might be feeling, I will be sharing more details about my “Class for Engaged Couples”  and I am still offering FREE 20 minute coaching sessions. 

The topic is “Intimacy During Isolation” and I will define exactly what intimacy is and I think  it may surprise some of you.

What are you doing to keep your intimate relationships strong and thriving when we need to be distant?

Why is this important?

How can understanding different levels of intimacy help you overcome some struggles you may be experiencing?

And what are the most common struggles with intimacy?

Join me this week or sign up for a coaching session and let’s figure it out together.

Find out more and download your FREE worksheet for this week’s podcast #102.

FREE Coaching!

Engaged Couples Course

In a recent survey I conducted, 40% of married women said they feel guilt and shame about sex.  In this episode, we are addressing where this guilt and shame are coming from and why it is isn’t necessary.

Are you taking the 30-Day Say Yes To The Sex Challenge?

Flex Discs: http://rwrd.io/tddnzbx

Sexual Satisfaction Survey: https://amandalouder.typeform.com/to/HYppWQ

I often hear from my clients that they feel guilty about certain sexual things. When we really look into it, I question whether they’re feeling guilty, which to me means that they are doing something outside of their integrity, or are they internalizing someone else’s emotions about the subject. So in this episode, we’re going to talk about naming the emotion we’re feeling and if it really is guilt, how to change that feeling.

The podcast this week is quite a bit different from my usual content.  My son returned home from his mission this past Saturday, so I’ve been busy getting him settled back into real life and wasn’t able to devote the time to research the topic I had planned.  So I’m sharing with you the talk I wrote and gave this past Sunday in our new ward’s Sacrament Meeting.  I share my testimony of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, my father’s conversion story and how it was the basis for my testimony and how I have seen the evidence of God’s hand in my life.  But don’t worry, I tie it in to why I do what I do.  Back to our regular topics next week.

We have all read those scriptures that tell us that thinking about sex is bad. But, what if we’re interpreting those scriptures wrong? In this episode, we explore what those scriptures actually mean and what that means for us and our fantasies. We all have them and that’s ok. Don’t fight against your fantasies! It’s the intention that matters!

I have a friend who has 7 kids, all born in September. That means that they were all conceived around Christmas. We’ve often joked about this with her, but it turns out that they aren’t the only ones who get especially horny during the holiday season. In fact, more babies are conceived in December than any other month! Why is this? That’s what we’re talking about in the episode. There are some biological factors, some psychological factors, as well as some social and environmental factors that are playing a role in this, but whatever the reason, it’s a great time of year to connect sexually with your spouse!

A while ago, I was at an event with a lot of other women. A woman sat down next to me and asked, “What if the sex is really good, but the rest of the marriage isn’t great?” After talking with her about this question for most of the night, I knew this was something I wanted to discuss on the podcast. Why do we use sex as a bandaid? And, more importantly, what can we do to stop it? It may be a temporary fix for the underlying issues, but in the end, it will create distance and resentment in your marriage, which none of us want. We all have used sex as a bandaid before, but let’s look at how we can change that habit.

I get asked a lot about how to talk to kids and teens about sex. Unfortunately, I can’t make it less awkward for you, though if you’re comfortable with your own sexuality first, that can help, but I can give you some points to make so that you and your child know exactly what sex is and what to think about when they want to have it. My hope for you is that this discussion can bring you and your child closer together rather than farther apart when it comes to sex, even if they choose to follow a different value system than your own.

The Harvey Institute

With a title like this, Higher Desires and Lower Desires, you’re probably thinking that I’m talking about your desire for sex and what category you fall into . . .right? That is not what this podcast is all about; but it will relate to sex, as well as other aspects of your life. What desires do you have and what is keeping you from achieving them? I will give you steps to help lean into those higher goals to actually create the life that you want for yourself.

Review the Podcast!

I have had a lot of questions lately about how to safely have anal sex so I’m going to answer those questions here. Anal sex is often intriguing for many couples, and while there seems to be quite a bit of desire to do it from one or both partners, there’s often a reluctance, which is understandable. So whether you’re a curious individual or a couple looking to add something new to your repertoire, this episode will guide you through the ins and outs of anal pleasure, focusing on safety and enjoyment. Join me for this step by step guide.

We are almost at episode 300 and I would love to do something a little bit different and special for this episode.  I would love it if you were willing to call in and leave me a voice message with something that was particularly impactful for you.  My goal is to have a few that I can air with Episode 300.

Call 385-424-1032

This is a number that goes straight to voicemail, so you won’t be bothering me and can call anytime.

You can leave your name or do it anonymously.

Just share something that has been particularly impactful for you and if you can what Episode # and the title it was. It can be really short or a couple of minutes long.  This would mean so much to me, so thank you!  The deadline to submit this is Monday, January 15, 2024.

When I was first married to my first husband, it felt like he ALWAYS wanted sex. If I showed him any affection at all, it had to lead to sex. I, like a lot of women, didn’t want it to always mean I had to have sex. I missed what it was like when we were dating, when we could be affectionate and that’s as far as it went. So, why does this pattern of expectation start and what can we do about it in our relationships? That’s what we’re talking about in this episode. If that pattern is happening in your relationship, let’s work to fix it!

In this episode, I’m talking with fellow coach and my real life best friend, Crystal Hansen, all about how conflict actually builds intimacy in your marriage. I know this sounds counter intuitive, but it really does work. We all want to feel connected and when we try to avoid conflict, that creates a wedge in our relationships. Crystal shares with us Gottman’s Four Horsemen of conflict and the antidotes for each one. This episode is a great way to start thinking about who we want to be in our marriages next year.

You can find Crystal Hansen at:

http://crystalhansencoaching.com/

Instagram: @crystalhansen_

New Podcast: Couples in Conflict

When something is scarce, you want it more! (Remember the toilet paper shortage of 2020?) So what does this have to do with sex and marriage? When you’re not having sex, you begin to be preoccupied with sex. I see this scarcity mindset show up in my coaching practice in two ways. Either you don’t have enough to give or you feel like you need to do more to be fulfilled. In today’s episode, we talk more about this scarcity mindset and how to change your mindset to make sex something for you not something you have to do.

Do you fear pleasure? You might be saying ‘no’ but many of my clients do. Think about it. Do you take compliments well? Do you look at others who are pursuing their pleasure and think it’s frivolous or inappropriate? It seems paradoxical because we spend so much of our life in the pursuit of happiness. Where does the fear of pleasure come from? For many of us, it comes from our childhood. Children are the epitome of pleasure! But then we’re told to not be so loud, or not do that. And our brain begins to subconsciously equate pleasure with danger or even death. Listen to this week’s episode to see what you can do about your fear of pleasure. 

Source: 

Getting the Love You Want by Harville Hendrix, Ph.D and Helen LaKelly Hunt, Ph.D.

Wikipedia - Hedonophobia

Is the desire gone for your spouse - or maybe the other way around? Are there parts of your human self that you do not desire and would rather avoid looking at? How do you know the difference? Maybe it is easier to blame others - rather than facing the challenge of looking at yourself to see where the gap started. If you are having these same questions or concerns - Podcast #104 is jam packed with information for you. I will discuss righteous desires, mens and women’s perspective, fears, validation and how to approach the topic when sex has completely shut down. Join me for “Am I Desirable?” and see if it’s time for a little more help.

Is sex a need? The answer is no...kind of. There are differing viewpoints on how important sex is to each of us, but what we really need to look at is how important it is to us and how we can share that with our partners. Men and women, higher and lower desire partners need to meet their own needs as much as possible. Then your partner is just there for you to love.  It makes for a great marriage and a great relationship.

In this episode, we’re diving into a topic that might resonate with many of you - Level 1 Sex. What is it? What isn’t it? And most importantly, how can we move towards a more fulfilling experience in our intimate relationships? I’ll answer these questions and more as we discuss how each partner might contribute to Level 1 Sex and why it’s hard to break out of it. There is better sex out there my friends! It starts with a willingness to change. So let’s start today!

We have all been told the lie that men need sex and in our Conservative Christian value system and monogamy, it is the wife’s responsibility to fulfill that need because he can’t go outside the marriage to fulfill it. Thinking of sex as a need is problematic in marriages. In this episode, we discuss all of the many facets that affect your marriage when you look at sex as a need. I want to talk to you men and you women out there. This is something we can change!

In our conservative Christian culture, oral sex comes with a lot of hang ups. But it doesn’t need to. In this episode, let’s talk about how amazing oral sex can be between you and your spouse. Let’s look at the hang ups that either spouse might have and see what we can do to help them. After all, a high percentage of women say that oral sex is the most reliable way for them to orgasm. There is a lot of pleasure to be had there. Maybe it’s time to give it a try?

In this episode, I’m speaking with Joey Mascio. He is a fellow life coach and good friend who normally works with teens helping them become the hero of their own story. But today we’re taking it a step further. A lot of what we think about ourselves comes from when we were teenagers. So we too need to find a way to become the heroes of our stories! Whether you were a teenager once or are raising a teenager, this is a must listen episode!

You can find Joey at:

His website: http://www.sidekicktohero.com/

His Instagram account just for teens: https://www.instagram.com/sidekicktohero/

His Instagram account for parents: https://www.instagram.com/joey_sidekicktohero/

Or his podcast, Secrets for an Awesome Life: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/secrets-for-an-awesome-life/id1504492900

I think we have covered all the reasons we don’t want sex.  But have you ever wondered why people do have the desire for sex? It is more than for physical release, relief of stress or because we love someone.   According to one group of young adults, they noted up to 237 reasons for sex.. . .but there is actually just one main reason.  I will share that secret along with a few more that follow. I will also share some valuable information on the not-so-obvious differences between men and women when it comes to your sex life. If this is your first time here- welcome.  Get ready to learn and grow in your relationship like never before.

In this podcast episode, I talk with Andrea Giles. Andrea helps women heal from infidelity in her coaching program. We talked about how to build trust with yourself again after finding out you’ve been lied to. We talked about how to decide if you should stay or go in your marriage. This is an impactful conversation that I know will help so many of you.

Andrea Giles is a Certified Life Coach who is dedicated to helping women use the trial of marital infidelity to change their lives for the better. She is host of the podcast, “Heal from Infidelity” and  encourages listeners from all over the globe to get up from off the floor and get moving toward the life they most desire.  

She coaches from personal experience and is driven to show her clients that infidelity can be a springboard for massive internal growth and a marriage of peace and joy. 

When Andrea's not coaching, you'll find her enjoying the simple things in life. She loves to read, kayak on the river in her backyard in Montana, play games with her husband and kids, and snuggle her three grandchildren. Andrea is now married to a widower, and they have 12 children between them. Her journey from "there" to here is an inspiring one. She has created powerful healing for herself and wants the same for her clients.

You can find Andrea at:

Her website - www.andreagiles.com

Instagram - @andrea.giles.coaching

Facebook - Andrea Giles Coaching

Does sex feel like a chore? Something you have to do to keep your husband happy? It sounds noble, but you are probably building up a lot of resentment in the meantime. Sex isn't supposed to be just about him. It's about you too. When we learn to step into our sexuality, own it, work on it, it changes everything. Your husband is happy, and so are you.

Find out more and download your FREE worksheet for this week’s episode, podcast Episode 91 - Keeping Your Husband Happy 

amandalouder.com/podcast/91

I’m looking for submissions for an upcoming podcast on what wives wish their husbands knew about them and sex.  So, what do you wish your husband knew?  What haven’t you told him? What are you afraid to tell him?  All submissions will be kept anonymous.  Please email submissions to podcast@amandaloudercoaching.com

52 weeks of podcasting! I’m really excited about this milestone.  It’s been such an amazing year and I am so proud of the work that I’ve done.

For this episode, listeners have called in left a message letting me and the rest of the audience know some of their favorite episodes or things that they have learned from the podcast.

Thank you for all of the love and support and I can’t wait to see what comes in the next 52 episodes!

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Show Notes:

Thank you so everyone who left me a voicemail!

What is duty sex? Duty sex is when we have sex with our husbands because we “should.” Because it is our duty as a good wife. Because he “needs” it. Because we don’t want him to look elsewhere for it. Or because we are trying to manage his emotions and behavior with it. We have been convinced that we don’t have to want it too. And this simply isn’t true! Duty sex is passionless and doesn’t create the connection that either of you want. So, how do we stop having duty sex? It isn’t an easy process but in this episode, I’ll share with you the two steps to take to fix it.

 Do you look outside of yourself for answers to your questions?  Our brain loves to solve problems.  It loves to go to work and answer questions.  So when you have a question, don’t look outside of yourself for the answer, put your brain to work!  In this episode, I have some great questions you can ask yourself about who you are and what you believe about yourself, your spouse, and your marriage.

Women often come to me wanting me to fix their libido. While I wish I could wave my magic wand and make everything better, I can’t. Much like an iceberg, a low libido is often just what we see on the surface and what you don’t see is what is really causing it. In this episode, I’ll share with you 11 things that could be causing your low libido. The good news? Every single one of these is absolutely fixable! You deserve better sex! Let me help.

In the last episode, we spoke about erogenous zones. But if you are focusing solely on these areas without any warm-up or creating the right context for sex, you are missing out on a crucial piece - the importance of foreplay. In this episode, let’s talk about what foreplay means and how important it is for both men and women to have an amazing sexual experience. It is the bridge that allows us to transition from the outside world into an intimate space where we can be fully present with each other and attuned to our partner’s needs, desires, and feelings.

In this episode, I want to talk about a question I get asked all of the time. It’s said in different ways, but it all comes down to this - Why does sex often seem so hard, even when we genuinely want to have it? Have you ever wondered that? Sex is a beautiful, integral part of a healthy marriage, but it’s not uncommon to face challenges in this area, as we all know. So, let’s break down some of the reasons why we might struggle and explore ways to make things better. Are you ready? Let’s go!

We don’t love other people because they deserve it, we love others because love feels amazing.  It’s a gift we give ourselves.  

What is mental health? How do get to be mentally healthy and how do we maintain it?

In this podcast I will share with you:

• • 4 Things Mentally Healthy People Do
  • 10 areas that contribute to mental health
  • 7 Ways to Maintain your Mental Health

You don’t want to miss this one! 

Girl Wash Your Face by Rachel Hollis of The Chic Site
3 in 30 Podcast
Dr. Leah Weiss

This post contains affiliate links.

Show Summary

Today I want to talk to you about mental health.  I think it is something we are really lacking in today’s world and something that is so important.  Most people think that mental health is just a lack of mental illness.  A lack of depression or anxiety.  I also think some people think they are mentally healthy because they don’t have a diagnosed mental illness like bipolar or schizophrenia.  But what I want to offer you today is that mental health is not just a lack of mental illness, but it is a state of awareness and well-being.  It determines how we handle stress, how we relate to others, and make choices.  Mental health is about mindfulness and where your thoughts and intentions are at all times.

Now that being said, if you suffer from mental illness from a chemical imbalance,  I think you can still achieve mental health with the help of medication.  I think medication is also helpful to get someone to the point where they can be more mindful and shift their thinking so that they can get mentally healthy and don’t have to be on medication anymore if they don’t have a chemical imbalance.

There is so much to mental health that I want to talk about today.  What does it mean to be mentally healthy and how to get there. But first WHY?  Why do we want to be mentally healthy?

I was to a podcast and the host was interviewing Rachel Hollis.  If you don’t know who she is, she is a female entrepreneur and runs a lifestyle website.  She recently came out with a book called “Girl, Wash Your Face: Stop believing the lies about who you think you are so you can become who you were meant to be”  I’ve heard great things about this book and I think it encompasses a lot of things we talk about here on the podcast and in my coaching program.  But on this particular podcast I was listening to, she said as she was writing this book she was looking back over the hardest things in her life and the whole time she was trying to figure out how to SUFFER less.  And I was thinking about that and isn’t that what we all want? We want to suffer less?  And whether the situations truly hard, or we just find it hard because of where we are in our life, it is still suffering.  And that is what Life Coaching does for people.  We teach you what you can do to suffer less.  We think that our circumstances are causing our suffering, but really they aren’t.  It’s our thoughts and how we are dealing with our circumstances that cause our suffering.

But someone who is mentally healthy is able to deal with those circumstances a lot better.  I see these posts on facebook of women who are constantly struggling with anxiety about driving places, and going to their kids soccer game, and making a phone call to make a doctor appointment.  And all of that is suffering!  And that is not healthy!  And that is no way to live!  That is not what Heavenly Father wants for us!  He wants us to be brave and courageous and confident in our abilities to deal with anything that comes.  I want that for you!  For you to feel confident and empowered, and that you can deal with whatever.

For example - I was talking to a friend of mine this morning.  She is the one who originally introduced me to Life Coaching and has been getting coached herself.  May is always a crazy month for everyone - I call it May Madness!  Along with all the end of the year school stuff, sports, she also has her birthday, her husbands birthday, and 3 of her kids birthdays.  And May is usually just so insane.  But this year, even though she just had just as much stuff as she always does, she suffered less!  Because of what she has learned about thought work and life coaching, she was able to more easily deal with the stress and challenges that came up. And looking back, it was the same thing for me!  I always feel so stressed in the Spring with sports and all of the kids stuff and I just haven’t this year.  I was able to handle things so much better and SUFFER less!

So mentally healthy people know how to SUFFER less.  They also….

Positive mental health allows people to

• Cope with the stresses of life
• Reach their full potential
• Work productively
• Make meaningful contributions to their communities

How do we become mentally healthy?

The first thing is self-care.  Self-care, especially as women, gets put on the back burner.  We take care of everyone else before we take care of our own needs.  We take whatever time is left over for ourself instead of prioritizing it and making it one of the first things.  So in order to have good mental health I first want you to put your own Self-Care at the the top of the list.  I want you to schedule it in your calendar every single day.  Now what does self care mean?  It is different for everyone.  For some it is eating healthy, exercising, meditation, prayer, scripture study.  For some it might be taking some time to read a book or take a hot bath.  Maybe go get your nails done or get a massage.  Getting yourself in a place where your thoughts and intentions are on the right track and you can focus on what you want for yourself and for those around you that day.

I was recently listening to the 3 in 30 podcast and Rachel Nielsen had on Dr. Leah Weiss, who is a professor in the Stanford School of Business and she’s written a book called “How We Work: Live Your Purpose, Reclaim your sanity, and embrace the daily grind.”  In it she talks about when she was in college she went and studied in Northern Indian with Tibetan Refugees.  She says that the word “meditation” is a translation from the Tibetan word “gom” (gome) which means something more like “familiarization” or “getting to know your mind and heart.”  And really it’s not something you do on a meditation pillow for 5 minutes in the morning, and 5 minutes in the evening, but its really something you can do all the time.  Getting to know yourself and where you intentions lie.

She also talks about mindfulness.  And mindfulness is the Intentional use of attention.  Now the Tibetans have been using this for thousands of years, but modern research backs it up that Mindfulness is how we make meaningful progress in our life.  

Our minds wander 49% of the time. That’s normal. But paying attention to that wandering and pulling things back gives us progress.

The Tibetans have a 3-part mindfulness process called Dampa Sume - which means 3 good principles, or 3 good things.  And what it entails is that when you are going to do something, you need to first think about it and what your intentions are with it.  What do you want it to be.  Then when you are doing it, remember those intentions.  If you get distracted, try to get back to those intentions as soon as you can.  And then when you are done, reflect on what happened.  Then start again.

I like to do this as part of my self-care at the beginning of each day.  With my scripture study, ensign reading, and prayer.  And I include Heavenly Father in setting my intentions for the day.  I specifically ask what I can do to serve Him and serve others.  I really feel that setting your intentions is the key to personal revelation.  And I am so delighted when I am inspired for certain service opportunities that come up throughout the day and I am able to follow through with my intentions.  And then at the end of the day I reflect on those things and write about them in a gratitude journal.

I also set my intentions during the day with my eating habits, how I spend my time for work and with my children.  How I want to show up in my marriage and with my husband.  Sometimes its an all day practice, and sometimes its a little event or task.  But there is intention and thoughtfulness behind it.  And once you begin to focus on those things as you go about your day you will find you are looking outside of yourself and you are so much happier.  You will also find you are so much more productive as you set your intentions for each task.  Your mental health is so much better when you are constantly setting those intentions and living up to them, not with perfection, but with progress and compassion.

You also have to value your self-care above anything anyone else says about you.  You know what is true and you need to be confident in that.

Checklist of mental health

• 1. Future plans - Believe in your capacity and your abilities. Have big goals that stretch yourself. Five years down the road 10 years down the road.
• 2. Emotional balanced - Having both positive and negative emotions. Be willing to experience and process negative emotions. 
• 3. Little or no buffering - Seeking falls pleasure as an escape to negative emotion. Escaping your relationship with yourself and negative emotions 
• 4. Take action - set your intentions and follow through
• 5. Internal control. Control yourself and not try to control others or your environment
• 6. Self-coach yourself (use model) everyday 
• 7. Contribution  - create value in your life or on the world 
• 8. Unconditional self love - Grace for your mistakes and failures
• 9. Time management- keep a time journal.  See where you are really spending your time each day.  Is it matching up to your intentions and your priorities?
• 10. Money management  - It doesn’t matter how much money you have, only how you manage it.  

Ways to maintain positive mental health include:

• Getting professional help if you need it
• Connecting with others
• Staying positive (change your thoughts)
• Getting physically active (change your state)
• Helping others
• Getting enough sleep
• Developing coping skills

On next week’s podcast I am going to share with you my own personal journey to mental health.  It did start with mental illness and has been a long process.  And it’s kind of hard to share and very vulnerable, but as Brene Brown (one of my favorite mentors) says “Vulnerability is where connection is created” and I want to connect with you as my audience and I want you to connect with me.  I think so many times you listen to people on podcasts or in books and you think..”oh they are just so perfect and I can’t be like that.”  But I want you to understand that I am so far from that.  And while things are going really good for me right now, I am mentally healthy now, I have no always been this way.  It has been a lot of really hard work to get where I am now.  But it is possible!  It is possible to go from mental illness or just being mentally unhealthy to being mentally healthy.  I want that for you and that is what I am trying to communicate to you about in this podcast and what I teach my clients in my coaching program.  I want you to see how amazing you already are and what the possibilities are for YOU, because if I can do it, so can you!

Most of us consider ourselves to be honest people, to have integrity. It may surprise you that this isn’t always the case. Can you speak truthfully to your partner when it comes to your sexual relationship. . .or do you let some things slide to save hurting your partner? It’s also possible the person you are deceiving the most, is yourself. But why? Today I will answer this question as well as share the top 4 reasons honesty will benefit your relationship and how to better achieve this.

Welcome 2021!  This week for the podcast I am going back to the vault and bringing out one of my favorite podcasts - wrapped around goals and resolutions in your intimate relationship. I will talk about how to come up with SMART goals and what those are exactly.  We will talk about the importance of coming up with the purpose of sex in your marriage and what it looks like for you and your spouse. Are you ready to create change? 2021 is your year!

In American and Conservative Christian culture, we are often taught things about men’s sexuality that are myths. Actually, they are really outright lies. In this episode, we go through 3 myths about a man’s sexuality in the hopes that as we learn what is really true about men and their sexuality that we can have a more intimate relationship with our partners.

In this episode, I am talking to my friend and mentor, Aimée Gianni, about how to have a covenant marriage. So often we stay in our broken marriages because we made a covenant. But what if doing that is actually breaking your covenant? 

Aimée offers some amazing things to think about if we are at the point where we are thinking about divorce. Even if we’re happy in your marriage, her advice can help us progress along the path.

You can find Aimée Gianni at:

https://aimeegianni.com/

Instagram: @aimeegiannims

Love Notes Sign Up: https://view.flodesk.com/pages/63925632df727ca7117b05f5

How do you feel about your body?  Do you love it? Do you embrace it?  When we don’t embrace our body it turns our desire for sex off.  So how is your body image affecting your sex life? 

We’ve all heard the phrase, “Happy Wife, Happy Life,” but my guest today, Glenn Lovelace, says that’s a lie. Listen to this episode to find out why he thinks it’s a lie and what we need to do in our marriages instead so that we can both be happy and fulfilled. 

It’s great to have Glenn on to give us the men’s perspective on marriage. Both you and your husband will enjoy this one!

You can find Glenn Lovelace at:

Website: www.glennlovelace.com

Instagram: @itsyourwingman

In this episode, I’m talking with Jessica Farmer, a fellow life coach and friend, about how she went from being a peacekeeper to a peacemaker in her life and her marriage. She shared with us when she realized that what she had always been doing, what she thought she should be doing, was not letting her be completely herself. She was able to move from the peacekeeper that she had always been to a peacemaker that let her be who she was inside. Join us for this awesome discussion about how that change has improved everything in her life, including her sex life.

Find Jessica at:

jessicafarmercoaching.com/

@jessicafarmercoaching on Instagram

Podcast: When Marriage Gets Hard

Go to https://jessicafarmercoaching.com/free-video/ to receive free training on  How To Stop Walking On Eggshells In Your Marriage

Have you ever felt like you weren’t enough in your life? Most people do, but when that feeling creeps into the bedroom, it can be incredibly frustrating and disheartening. Maybe you feel like you will never satisfy your spouse or maybe you’re met with “I’ll never be enough for you” when sharing your wants and desires. Either way, I know how difficult it can be! So, in this episode, we’re going to unpack the phrase “I’ll never be enough for you” and explore what’s really going on beneath the surface.

How to build confidence in yourself so that you can be happier and show up better in your marriage and other relationships.

Show Summary

Hello everyone, so today I want to talk about confidence and how having confidence can really help you in your marriage and it can really help you in any relationship.  Confidence is a really important part of your mental and emotional health.  And building confidence is not something you can just do once and be done with.   It’s something that requires constant maintenance and is an important skill to learn.  It’s also something that people also don’t understand how to get better at. So that’s what we are going to talk about today.

So first lets talk about why we don’t have confidence.  

Now in the LDS church, we believe that we are literal sons and daughters of a loving Heavenly Father.  We are DIVINE.  We all have infinite worth.  And that’s a really beautiful concept.  But why do we not believe it?

So there is a disconnect between this divinity and how we feel about ourselves.  Inside every one of us is an innate fear that we are not enough.  And its not just limited to a certain skill set, but we just aren’t good enough human beings.  That there is something wrong with us.  That we are not worthy of love or worthy of the good things that come to us.  We don’t embrace our divinity.

Most of you have probably heard the analogy of a $100 bill being crunched up, maybe ripped and torn…but it is still worth $100 even thought its not perfect. And that’s just like us.  

Now I want you to think of a brand new baby.  This baby is straight from heaven.  It is beautiful and has never done anything wrong.  And of course that baby has infinite worth and nothing can change that.  But when we grow up and we experience life…that worth changes?  NO!  There is not a single human being on this earth that didn’t start out as a beautiful baby. And that worth doesn’t change over time.  It doesn’t change because of things we do or don’t do.   We all have INFINITE worth.  We are are all worthy of being loved.  We are all divine.  Period.

The problem is, we often let our worthiness or even our HUMAN-NESS make us feel less than…

So why do we beat ourselves up so much for being HUMAN?  For making mistakes?  When we do not live up to the expectations we have for ourselves?  Or why do we let others make us feel “LESS THAN” if we don’t live up to their expectations?  

And the kicker is…when we think less of ourselves we actually show up worse in the world.  It’s like a self-fulfilling prophesy.  I feel like I’m not enough, so I’m not going show up as my best self.  And if you don’t show up as your best self how are you showing up?  How are people going to treat you if you aren’t showing them your best, true, authentic self?  

Now…if we can change our thinking so instead of saying “Well…this is me.  I’m not great, so I don’t know if you are going to like me or not because I don’t really like me” to “Hey, this is me.  I am amazing.  I have infinite worth.  I’m also human.  I make mistakes.  But I will love myself in my human-ness because I know that I am a child of God and I am divine and I have infinite worth and I have some amazing talents and qualities.”  How will that make you feel about yourself? So much better, right?

Dr. Sasha Heinz is positive psychologist and she says “Everyone’s biggest challenge in life is to get over the crap in their own head.  The ONLY obstacle you ever have to overcome is the stuff in your mind.”  I love that!

So, how do we do that?

1. To have confidence, the first thing you need to do is change that inner dialogue.  I want you to start to notice the things that you think about yourself.  If you walk by the mirror and you inner dialogue says “I am so fat”  First, just notice that thought.
   1. You aren’t going to be able to change that thought right away.  You can’t go from “I hate my body” to “I love my body” overnight.  Your brain will reject it because its not believable when you’ve been telling yourself that negative thought for so long.  But what you can do is 
      1. Notice that thought - “yep there’s that thought again"
      2. Be compassionate with yourself.  Talk to yourself how you would talk to your best friend.  You would never tell your best friend that she is fat or ugly or lazy.  
      3. Get curious as to why you feel that way - figure it out, maybe write some things down about WHY you talk to yourself that way
      4. Slowly start to change those thoughts.  Maybe instead of saying “I hate my body” when you walk by the mirror, you go to “Yep…there’s my body” or “wow…my body does some pretty amazing things”  or “I am blessed to have a body, even if it doesn’t look the way I want it to right now”
      5. As you notice those thought and start to be more compassionate with yourself and slowly change those thoughts, you will start to feel so much better about yourself.  You will learn to love yourself when you don’t have so much negativity directed toward yourself.
2. The next thing is to think about how you want to show up for yourself.  
   1. Do you follow through on the things you tell yourself you are going to do?  Do you let yourself down a lot? Do you give yourself excuses? Are you ok with that?
   2. and if you’re not, What can you do to change that?
   3. The best way to change that is to set small, achievable goals for things that are important to you.
   4. Do things because you told yourself you would.
   5. Achieving goals (even small ones) is a great way to build confidence in yourself.
   6. Be kind and compassionate with yourself but hold yourself accountable.  Don’t beat yourself up.

We gain confidence when we accomplish something. 

Toddlers learning to walk. They don’t get down in themselves when they fall. They just get back up and keep trying until they get it. They have to build those muscles in order to learn. They keep trying and trying and eventually they get it.  And they are really happy with themselves.  This is them building confidence.

Same thing with us.  But we put ourselves down so much if we don’t get it on the first try.  Or even the second.  We are so afraid of failing that we don’t even try.

Failure is ok. Just the first attempt in learning. Learn what works and what doesn’t.  When you are trying something new….or something you want to get better at your Brain will say “what if I fail” and what if you do? Remember it’s trying to keep you safe from physical and emotional pain. But you can handle it! You can do failure!  I’ll figure it out.  I’ll keep trying.

So I like to sit down at the beginning of the year and write out thing things that I value. And then I set up some big goals for the year for myself.  And then I break those big goals down to manageable goals that I can accomplish monthly, weekly, or even daily.  I write them down.  I actually put them in an Excel sheet so I can hold myself account.  I put reminders in phone.  And then I have a meeting with myself on a weekly basis to see how things are going.  For example - I set a goal  to read our church magazine The Ensign cover to cover each month.  There are usually about 30 articles in it, so it breaks down to about 1 article a day.  I have a repeating reminder in my phone To read the Ensign each day.   I try to read that 1 article first thing in the morning, but sometimes I don’t get to it.  If I don’t get to it, it’s ok.  I don’t beat myself up for it.  I just try to catch up on Sundays.  I’ve been able to read the Ensign every single month for the last 2-1/2 years.  And I feel really good about that.  That helps boost my confidence, it helps me be more in tune with the Spirit, and I’ve found so many things that are helpful for things I am going through in my life.  It just makes me feel good about myself that I am accomplishing this goal.

It’s not an all or nothing.  When I reflect on my goals I’m happy with my accomplishments.  And it builds my confidence.  

1. The third thing is that you don’t let others talk put you down.
   1. Get your own back! You are worth it!  No one has a right to put you down.  And when they do. you don’t need to believe them or let them.
   2. If its a continual problem, set some boundaries (like we talked about in Episode 1).  Whether this is your husband, your mother, your child, a neighbor, don’t let anyone talk to you in a demeaning way. 
      1. This doesn’t mean you need to be mean back.  You can just say “I’m not ok with you talking to be this way.  If you talk to me this way then I will leave the room.” or whatever boundary you want to set that feels good to you.
      2. I also want you to understand that people are allowed to feel and say whatever they want about you, but that doesn’t make it true.  What they think about you is really none of your business.  It’s more about THEM than it is about you.  One of my mentor’s - Brooke Castillo says “You can be the sweetest, juiciest peach on the tree, but there is always someone who doesn’t like peaches” and that is ok!
      3. As long as you like you, that’s all that matters.  And if there are things that you don’t like about yourself, you have the power to change them.  Because you are awesome! And you are amazing.  And you are WORTHY of LOVE.  You are WORTHY of all the goodness this life has to offer.  No matter what.

So let’s bring a real life example into this scenario.  Let’s Say you have a husband who is quite controlling.  He has certain expectations of you as a wife and mother. And if you don’t meet his expectations then he can be demeaning.  It’s never ok for him to speak to you unkindly or to put you down.  He can make requests of you, but you are free to choose if you want to meet those requests or not.  And as long as you are happy with yourself and the things that you are doing, that is ok.  You need to get your own back on it.  Now he may not like this…. he may not like you standing up for yourself when he used getting his way.  In the past you may have just done whatever he requests to keep the peace and then resented him for it.  And that’s not a great way to live in a marriage.  But if you learn to get your own back, have confidence in yourself, and stand up for yourself, eventually things will change.  In one of two ways.  1. He’ll eventually figure out that you aren’t going put up with his controlling behavior anymore and he’ll back down.  When you show up with confidence, it can throw him for a loop at first, but eventually he’ll figure it out.  or 2. He doesn’t.  He continues to be demeaning and you’ll feel so much better about yourself that you won’t put up with HIS behavior anymore and set some boundaries.  Just like we talked about in Episode 1, things may get worse before they get better.  Be prepared for that.  But have confidence in yourself and that you can handle any situation, and everything will be ok.

This week, I’d like you to think about this quote "We can only love others to the capacity that we love ourselves."

If that’s true (and I believe it is) how will you show up differently in your marriage if you love yourself and are confident in yourself.  How can that improve your marriage.  When we live from a place of love…love for ourselves we show up as our best self in the world.

Ok, my friends.  That’s all I have for you today.  See you next time.

I’ve been thinking a lot about what we all want in our relationships and what that means to our relationships. So, today I’m going to share with you the four things that we all want in our sexual relationships. We may call them different things, but everyone wants essentially the same thing. I am also going to talk about what happens when these things we want aren’t happening in our sexual relationships. And what you can do about that. You see, the absence of these foundational values can lead to a host of challenges that impact both the marital and sexual aspects of a relationship. Let’s see what we can do about that!

My clients often have transactional relationships with their spouses without even realizing it. In this episode, I want to explain what a transactional marriage is, why we don’t want it and what we want instead. I was recently reminded that people often think of our relationship with our Heavenly Father as transactional when all He wants is a relationship with us. As we pattern our lives after our Heavenly Parents, we can come to realize that the relationship is the most important part of our marriages as well. Let’s talk about transactional vs relational marriages.

A Couple's Guide to Creating a More Divine Marriage eBook

When we think about unconditional love, it always sounds romantic and exciting, right? We’ve all seen the romcoms where they have the kind of love that never falters, regardless of what happens. It’s the idea that someone is loved completely, no matter their choices, behaviors, or circumstances. But in marriage, the idea of unconditional love should be more nuanced. It may seem wonderful on the big screen, but in reality, unconditional love in marriage is a partnership between two adults with needs, boundaries, and expectations. It isn’t about tolerating harmful behavior or being a doormat. It’s about striving to accept your partner as they are, flaws and all, while also keeping a hold of your sense of self and safety. In this episode, we’re going to talk about what unconditional love should look like in marriage and how to achieve it.

Have you ever heard the phrase that a woman is like a race car? It isn’t that far from the truth. Our bodies were created with systems. And those systems are constantly scanning the environment for things that will press on our sexual accelerators or stomp on the brakes. The key is to figure out how to use that system to increase your sexual desire and have a little fun in the process. Let’s work on releasing those brakes, pushing on those accelerators and seeing what happens!

What is an archetype? In very simple terms, it’s a “should”. As the man, I “should” be the primary breadwinner. As the woman, I “should” cater to my husband’s sexual needs. But, are these “should’s”, these archetypes, really who you are deep down inside? In this episode, we’re going to talk about relationship and sexual archetypes. We’ll identify them, discuss how they’re shaped, and the benefits and problems they bring. Finally, we’ll talk about why it’s crucial to break free from them. Society has long-standing traditions and norms that dictate what roles men and women “should” play. You see it everywhere. With my step-by-step guide, you can break free from these archetypes and find what you actually want to do, not what you “should” do.

In this podcast I share with you 5 new thoughts that I’ve personally been working on with my life coach and in my own self-coaching that have really helped me in my marriage.  I think they could help you to, or at least get your wheels turning about what new thoughts would help you!

Show Summary

So today I wanted to talk to you about 5 new thoughts that helped me in my marriage.

I’ve mentioned this before on this podcast, but my husband Kevin and I have been married for just over 6 years.  This is a second marriage for both of us. And while marriage is never EASY, some marriages are definitely easier than others, and that is how I feel about my marriage to Kevin.  We of course have our struggles, but I absolutely adore him.  I am so in love with that man.

But even with how absolutely amazing he is and how I feel about him, sometimes I struggle with my own thoughts about myself and our marriage.  So when I began getting coached by my own Life Coach, Jody Moore, that is one of the first things I wanted to work on.  I wanted to show up as my best self in my marriage because I love him and I want this marriage not just be a good marriage, but to be exceptional.

So I wanted to share with you today 5 new thoughts that I’ve worked on with my life coach and in my own self-coaching that have really changed me and helped me be even happier in my marriage.

1. He can be grumpy and I don’t have to be

Now this one may sound funny, but its something I’ve really struggled with     .  We all have days when we are grumpy, irritated, stressed or don’t feel well.  But when Kevin would have those days, instead of me continuing to have a good day I would mirror his emotions and become grumpy too.  I don’t like being grumpy.  I have enough grumpy days on my own, I didn’t like that when he was grumpy it was making me grumpy.  And then when we were both grumpy, it would kind of spiral.  So this is one of the first things I wanted to work on.  So I decided that if he was grumpy, I didn’t need to be.  And I often have to repeat that thought in my head…a lot.

So here is an example…. On my birthday a few months ago Kevin came home from work really not feeling well, which made him pretty grumpy.  But it was my birthday and so I did NOT want to be grumpy too.  So i just decided that I wasn’t going to be.  We took all the kids out to dinner and Kevin continued not feeling well and being kind of grumpy but I was totally happy and fine and had a great night out with the kids.  In the past, I probably would have gotten upset that he was grumpy on my birthday and then I would have gotten grumpy and dinner with the kids would NOT have gone well, but I just decided I wasn’t going to be and I was going to be happy because it was my birthday and I totally was and it was great.

1. My only expectation of him is for him to be there for me to love

I know..I know… whenever I talk to my clients or other people about this, they are like….yeah right!  You don’t have any other expectations of him?  You don’t expect him to go to work or take out the trash or help out around the kids or anything?  And I’m like “NOPE”  My ONLY expectation of him is that he is there for me to love.  That’s it.  And the reason I decided to think that is because in the past I did have expectations of him.  I did expect him to do certain things for me, for the kids, around the house, etc.  But if he didn’t meet those expectations, I was MISERABLE.  I tied my feelings to HIM meeting my expectations.  And when he didn’t, I made it mean all sorts of crazy things about ME!  But I decided to take responsibility for my own thoughts and feelings and the only thing I wanted to feel for him was LOVE.  

Now…that’ doesn’t mean that I don’t sometimes make requests of him.  I totally do.  But if he doesn’t do them, I don’t make it mean anything about me.  I also think as equal partners in marriage we can sit down and talk about what we want for our life together and for our family and kind of divide up responsibilities.  But even then, if he doesn’t do it, its not about ME!  It’s really about him.  So I just love him.  I love him with no expectations except that he will be there.  That’s it!  

Now the next one kind of ties in to that

1. It is not his job to make me feel validated, worthy, or loved, that’s my job

Now we’ve talked a little bit in previous podcasts about how our feelings come from our thoughts.  So if I want to feel validated, worthy, or loved, that comes from my OWN thoughts about myself.  He can’t MAKE me feel loved… that can only come from me.

For example… Say your husband brings you home a bouquet of flowers.  Your THOUGHT could be “wow… he is so sweet, I love that he is trying to show me he cares” and if you think that thought then you feel love.  But your husband could also bring home that same bouquet of flowers and your THOUGHT could be “why would he waste his money on stupid flowers.  I wonder what he did wrong….” and that thought wouldn’t produce feelings of love.  It would produce feels of confusion, irritation, and suspicion.  Do you see what I’m saying.  How you feel is totally up to you… Now sometimes our spouses make it EASIER for us to think good thoughts about feeling loved, or validated, or worthy by their actions, but whether we do or not is completely up to us and our thoughts around it.

Kevin usually doesn’t a pretty good job of helping make those thoughts easy for me.  But I still have times when I struggle, but realizing those thoughts are my own and not from him is really empowering.

1. He is doing the best he can, even if that isn’t very good sometimes

Listen, we are all human.  Sometimes I don’t show up as my best self.  I really am doing the best I can in that moment, but sometimes my best isn’t great.  And its the same with Kevin.  Sometimes his best isn’t great.  But choosing to think the thought that he is doing the best he can in that moment, really helps me feel better about things sometimes.

I hear so many times from my clients and friends things like “My husband comes home late from work and then he just sits and plays video games and does nothing to help me.  If he LOVED me, he would come home on time and help me with the kids.  I’m tired too!”  Now do you realistically think that their husband said to himself “I’m going to come home late from work and I’m not going to help her and I’m just going to play video games because I don’t love her.”  Absolutely NOT!  But he’s human and sometimes he needs some downtime too.  So just realizing that he is doing his best, even if that isn’t what you want or its not very good makes a big difference.  I know it has with me.

1. He is exactly who he is supposed to be

This thought has really helped me because sometimes I wish Kevin was a little bit different with some things.  Not much, he’s pretty darn great, but there are a few things I wish he were better at.  But then I remind myself that he is exactly who he is supposed to be.  And that is pretty darn great.  I’m sure there are things about me he wishes were a little bit different too.  But that’s ok too.  

Ok, so lets go over those 5 thoughts again.

1. He can be grumpy and I don’t have to be
2. My only expectation of him is for him to be there for me to love
3. It is not his job to make me feel validated, worthy, or loved, that’s my job
4. He is doing the best he can, even if that isn’t very good sometimes
5. He is exactly who he is supposed to be

I hope you find those thoughts helpful in your marriage too.  But if you want some help applying these to your marriage or finding other thoughts that would be helpful, make sure you go to my website amandalouder.com and sign up for a free mini-session and I’d love to help you.

See ya next time!

Whether you are in a tropical location, exploring a new city, or tucked away somewhere remote, time out of your usual routine is so good for the mind, body, and for your relationship. Today I will share six main reasons I believe a vacation for you and your partner is an important part of your marriage. I will let you in on a few secrets and tell you all about my 2-2-2 rule.  Want to know more? Tune in!