Parenting Your Sensitive Child (Julia McGarey)

I'm sure most of you know what it means to be an introvert or an extrovert, right? Introverts are often more quiet and reserved and they recharge by turning inward, while extroverts are more social and recharge their batteries through social interactions.

Super brief summary, but it's a stepping stone to what I really want you to know, and that's that being an introvert and being highly sensitive are two separate traits. Highly sensitive is not just another word for being introverted.

It is possible to be extroverted and highly sensitive, but it's much less common.

The breakdown is 30/70. Thirty percent of highly sensitive people are extroverts, seventy percent are introverts. Keep in mind that these stats are within a group that makes up roughly 20% of the population in general. So when you think about the odds of encountering highly sensitive people in a public school classroom, for example, roughly 14 out of 100 kids are going to be introverted and highly sensitive, while only 6 out of 100 are going to be extroverted and highly sensitive.

In this episode, we look at what it means to be extroverted and highly sensitive, and how this information can help you as a parent to better meet your child's needs.

I value transparency.
I created this episode to share some of the things that I often assume people know about me that are actually really important aspects of who I am and how I show up as a coach. If you've been following the podcast for a while, these things probably won't be new to you, but I wanted to create an episode where they all could "live," so to speak.
I wanted to create an episode that would let anyone who is new to the podcast or my work can get a sense of who I am and where I'm coming from from the very beginning.

Please know that I am here for questions.
Your messages are welcome.

I'm tired of hearing well-intentioned people telling parents that the reason their children do so well at school and are so challenging at home is because they feel safe. Their parents are their safe space.

Sure, there's truth in that.

But is it actually helpful?

For many parents, knowing that they are their child's safe space quickly gets translated to "They're saving it all up for me."

In this episode, I'm offering a reframe through the lens of "spoon theory." Sure, your child feels safe with you, but that's probably not all that's going on. They might be out of spoons. They might have zero energy left for self-regulation, and you're the one who witnesses it.

When we start to see it less as them letting loose because they feel safe, and more as an absolute exhaustion of inner resources, our narrative can shift from "Why me?" to "They are so done, and they need some help."

No matter how much we may want to, we can't control our kids. We can't control their emotions, their development, their preferences, or their choices.

This week, I'm sharing my experience moving through the heat bubble that record high temperatures to the Pacific Northwest and the two questions that helped me reframe my mindset and actually enjoy the weekend.

Asking yourself these questions is a helpful practice any time you're facing circumstances that you can't control, whether it's a weather event, global pandemic, or a challenge you're facing with your child.

I've been thinking for the past few weeks about posing a series of challenges through my podcast. I'm honestly not sure how many I will do, but I've got a couple in mind that I think will help you create positive changes within your family right now.

This week we're going to focus on changing what's next to what's now.

It's kind of funny when you say it that way, "what's now" isn't really a phrase we use in day-to-day conversations. I'll explain exactly what I mean by it in a minute, but first I want to talk about what's next.

You know I like to talk about our brains and their tendencies and the jobs they've evolved to do for us over time. Well, our brain's number one job is to keep us safe, and to most human brains uncertainty feels very unsafe. So we make plans. We look for what's next and try to get our ducks in a row. And sometimes that serves us very well, but sometimes our circumstances throw a wrench in our plans. It might be a death in the family. It might be a natural disaster. It might even be your child's emotions, behavior, or needs.

And when our planning brains meet with circumstances that defy their plans and are completely out of their control, we tend to spin out. We might panic a little bit, try to pull ourselves together, and start making a new plan to fix the problem we're facing. Or at least deal with it, right. Get ourselves out of it.

The problem is, we can't always fix it. You can't just make it go away.

You can't just wave a wand and suddenly have a compliant, resilient child.

And if you're always looking for what's next or what's right - what's the next step? What's the right strategy? Where do we go from here? How do we get out of this mess? - I want you to consider that at some level, your brain is trying to resolve the uncertainty. To find a solution for a reality that doesn't fit your expectations.

Take a minute to think about that because it's subtle. I don't think any of you are sitting around trying to think of ways to fix your child. I don't think any of you see your child as broken. This doesn't mean anything negative about you. It just means that you have a human brain that is trying to keep you safe by creating something that feels certain, something you can tether to, in a situation that feels very uncertain.

Sometimes plans serve us very well. But sometimes it's impossible to know how we are going to get from point a to point b. It can become an endless cycle of making and remaking plans, and that uses so much energy and puts you into a state of constant exhaustion.

So, what can you do about it?

Listen to the full episode for more.

If you've been following along for a while, you know I like to take the time here to unpack common patterns I see in my clients and common beliefs we have carried forth unquestioningly from previous generations. Let's call those myths.

When you're believing a myth and accepting it as truth, it definitely impacts how you show up and contributes to your own behavior patterns. And it will continue to do so until you address the belief - the thoughts - that are driving your actions.

When you start to understand the myth, you can recognize that it may feel true, but it isn't fact. And if it isn't fact, you get to decide whether you continue to believe it.

This week we're going to look at the myth of control.

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Say your child is trying to do a Lego set that is a little advanced for them and they give up as soon as they hit the first confusing bit.

Or they want to draw a picture of a unicorn and it doesn't come out exactly the way they want it to.

And it seems like they are just too much of a perfectionist or they lack perseverance. 

But really they haven't built up the skill of tolerating and working through frustration.

It's uncomfortable, and they respond by giving up or getting angry.

How do you handle it?

After three days of 115-degree (F) weather here in the Pacific Northwest, I found myself more tired than usual.

This week I'm talking about what you can do to get past the guilt that wells up when you slow down so you can actually get some rest.

This week we're talking about congruence.

The official definition of congruence is "agreement or harmony, compatibility," and I want to talk to you today about congruence between your thoughts and your words. Basically, making sure that what you're saying to your kids isn't in conflict with what you're thinking.

Listen on for examples.

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It is so easy, as parents, to rush our kids. And when they're resistant? Most often, our first impulse is to stand firm. Push them along.

They're fighting you on leaving the house? You've got to insist. You've got to make them.

Right?

This episode offers an alternate take on how we can handle our children's resistance when it seems like they're making a big deal out of nothing. It's powerful because when you adopt this approach, it validates your child's reality. Even if it seems like it's not a big deal to you, it IS a big deal to them. And when they understand that you get it? There's nothing to struggle about.

One of my coaches recently challenged her audience to come up with a list of three things that their audiences probably don't know about them that seem really obvious to them and are relevant to their coaching practice. I loved this idea, and I came up with a list of five things because I don't always follow the rules and I didn't want to narrow it down.

I'm weaving these tidbits into my social media, but I thought I'd create a podcast episode about them so the information is all in one place, and you get an even better sense of who I am, my background, and what I value.

We've all heard the expression, "Work smarter, not harder." Really, it's about taking considered action, rather than taking action for action's sake.

And if there's one thing most parents are good at, it's jumping into action!

In this episode, we're taking a look at five different ways you can conserve your energy and do LESS, and still give your child the support they need.

School is back in session for our family, and that means it's podcast season again. I hope you've had a restful, restorative summer (or winter, as the case may be). We had a lot of family time and some great adventures, and I had the space to do some more personal writing, which has been wonderful. I'm sharing it on my Substack, The Blackbird Chronicles. And actually, I've set a little goal for myself to create five new paid subscribers by my birthday this weekend. If you'd like to be one of them, here's the link:

The Blackbird Chronicles | Julia McGarey | Substack

There is, of course, a free subscription option, too. I'm all about the tiered pricing and creating ways for everyone to work and learn with me.

If you're new here, my name is Julia McGarey. I am a life coach for parents of highly sensitive and gifted children. I help parents work with their child's intensity, change their own reactive patterns, reduce power struggles and meltdowns, and create a more connected relationship with their kids. I'm also often that one person that my clients know who gets what they are going through and understands their kids. If that is something you've been looking for, schedule a consult and lets talk.

You can schedule here:

Prospective Client Consultation - Partnered Path Portal (coachaccountable.com)

Seriously, all you have to do is fill out a quick questionnaire with as little or as much info as you've got the capacity for and pick a time. I'm planning to take on five new clients this fall, so if you'd like to be one of them, let's get that process started.

Alright? On to the content. This week, we're talking a little bit about filling our kids' buckets.

I shared an Instagram post about this recently, and I have a Substack post about it, too, so this might feel a little familiar if you're following me on those channels. But I want to really give a lot of room to this idea because it's important. Now, I had a particular client in mind when I started writing this, but it's relevant to anyone who spends time with kids.

It's a little bit about self-esteem building and a little bit about self-esteem retention. Y'all ready?

Listen on for more.

Screens are a big source of conflict for so many families. There's so much messaging about how bad they are, so much social pressure to limit screen time. And, it is one of the easiest "privileges" to revoke when something goes awry and you're floundering for "appropriate consequences." But in the end, setting limits on screen time and taking it away as a punishment only creates more conflict, more big emotions, and an even stronger fixation on screen time. We've got to change this cycle.

It's normal to feel disconnected from your children at times.

With that said, it's also very possible to build stronger connections with your children. This episode focuses on how you can create more consistent connection, and what misconceptions may be standing in your way.

All in less than ten minutes, so you can listen while you drink your coffee and then get on with your day.

There is a dynamic I see arise for many parents when they are trying to step away from more punitive ways of parenting. I call it the Sibling Dynamic.

When you're trying to change the dynamic you experienced with adults as a child, it's easy to fall into another dynamic you may have experienced within your family: the dynamic you had with your siblings. It's a playfully antagonistic dynamic, and often one with very blurry boundaries.

It might show up as teasing, roughhousing, or pushing boundaries. It might feel playful in the moment. It might even feel loving. But it often results in hurt feelings or a child who is wound up and pushing your buttons and won't stop when it's time to stop.

Listen on to determine if this is you - or someone you know - and see what you can do to stop it in its tracks.

I want to share a couple of questions with you today that are going to help you reframe your thinking when your child is being aggressive, rude, disrespectful, destructive, or willfully defiant.

Because the minute you peg their behavior as negative, you start looking for ways to shut it down and two things can happen: they either escalate and the situation gets worse before it gets better, or they shut down and close off a part of themselves. Either way, it is actively disconnecting you from your child.

But sometimes these moments are so triggering, right?

The first step, always, is to start to notice when you're getting triggered and take a step back to regulate yourself. If you're skipping this part, this is your work.

But when you're able to do this and you can recognize that you're getting triggered because it seems like they're doing it ON PURPOSE, these questions are going to help guide you to your next right step.

In this episode we're talking about one of the things that can happen when you start to invite your child into the decision-making process, when you start to build a more collaborative relationship with them.

There is so much potential for connection when you make this leap to collaborating with your child. There's also huge potential for things to get way, way easier for your family.

It's possible.

But even when you can see that possibility, it's not always easy.

We are so conditioned by society to believe that parenting means being a strong leader for our children, and that being a strong leader means being the decision-maker. Forging the path forward. And if you identify as the leader and the decision-maker in your family, working collaboratively with your child doesn't just require a change in what you're doing and saying, it requires a shift in identity and a willingness to let go of your own agenda.

This is actually one of the most common obstacles I see for parents when it comes to successfully teaming up with their children. They try to invite their child into a conversation, they ask for their child's input on a decision, but they already have an answer in the back of their mind.

It's very subtle.

Let's say the child loves video games and always has a hard time when it's time to stop playing. The parent tries to engage the child in a conversation by saying, "Hey, I've noticed that you've been having a hard time when I ask you to stop playing video games lately. What's going on? Why do you think that is?"This all sounds good on the surface. But when the parent is coming to the conversation having already thought through it and decided what the problem is and what the solution should be, they are not approaching their child with genuine curiosity. They are approaching their child with an agenda, a desire to use the conversation as a funnel to direct them to the right decision. They may even be thinking, well, if I can present it in the right way, they will see what the answer is.

They have already made the decision for their child. They are just having the conversation to let their child feel involved.

But it's not genuine.

They are not actually inviting their child to be a part of the conversation. They are not looking to make a decision with their child. They've already made a decision for their child. They are leading the conversation, trying to direct their child to the conclusion that they've already come to.

And sometimes it works - at least in the sense that the child follows along and comes to the conclusion the parent is hoping for.

But I want you to be onto yourself if you're doing this because even when it seems like it's working, you are missing out on something that is available to you in each of these conversations, and that's the connection that comes from being genuinely curious about your child. Wanting to know their plan. Wanting to understand their experience. Wanting to hear them out.

In this episode, we're exploring what that looks like and what needs to change internally to set down your agenda and engage with your child from a position of genuine curiosity.

It is possible to love your child deeply and still feel disappointed from time to time. Parenting a highly sensitive child doesn't always look the way you imagined it would, and it's easy to fall back on old patterns. In this episode, we're talking about feeling stuck in the gap between the way you parented and the way you WANT to parent your child, three signs that you're living in this gap, and what you can do to move yourself out of it.

Today we're breaking down the PATH Process. The PATH Process is my signature approach to navigating challenges with your children. It informs my own parenting daily, and it guides all of my coaching, even when I'm not teaching it explicitly. It consists of four steps: Pause, Acknowledge, Tell, and Help. Although it sounds simple, each step comes with its own challenges and mental barriers, and understanding what those are can help you implement it more effectively.

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What would happen if you focused on allowing every experience, every emotion?

So often we start the new year with an intention for what we want to create or bring into our life. What we want to DO.

What shifts when you focus on what you're willing to allow for yourself instead?

We've been having a lot of fun around here over the past few weeks, including unexpected visits from out-of-state friends!

One of the things that bubbled up in conversation over the weekend was this idea that we are somehow failing our children. It's fascinating; our brains throw out these critical assumptions, and we just believe them. We believe we must have made a mistake as parents and created a habit in our children that shouldn't be there, or we believe that our children are harboring some sort of negative intentions, and we believe without questioning.

This week, I'm inviting you to question. When your brain is telling you that it knows exactly what's going on, question it. What other explanations can you offer? What else might be true? And finally, what explanation is makes the most sense and is the most helpful?

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Now that we're settling into school, I want to take a little time to talk about how we can work with our kids' teachers.

There is a long-standing trend of separating school and home in American culture, and it doesn't serve our children, our families, or our teachers.

In this episode, I'm discussing what this looks like, and how you can start to shift into a more collaborative relationship between home and school, which allows you to work more effectively with teachers to support your child.

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I want to share a metaphor with you today that is helpful for adults and school-aged kids alike.

To be clear, I didn't come up with this metaphor. You may have heard it before. But it can be such a helpful tool, I just had to give it an episode, a place to live on this podcast.

This one is all about allowing your emotions, and honoring your emotions, but not being dominated by them.

So if your child - or you for that matter - tends to blow up when they get angry or tries to be tough and hold it together when they're sad or hurt, this one's for you.

Do you ever find yourself avoiding hard conversations because you don't want to rock the boat? Or asking your kids to share their toys because you feel pressured and you just want to keep the peace?

In this episode, we're looking at what happens when you prioritize other people's emotions and work hard to keep the peace, particularly the reasons why we do this in the first place, how it impacts your kids, and steps you can take to start changing this pattern today.

This episode is part of a series on frequently coached topics that seem like they have nothing to do with parenting but make a world of impact. I hope you enjoy it.

Last week, I talked about the power of our thoughts, and how they shape our day-to-day experiences and interactions. Today I'm kicking off a series of related podcasts.

Throughout the month of November, I'm going to be sharing with you specific thoughts that run like lines of bad code and negatively impact my clients' experiences of parenting. These thoughts are pervasive; I'm not borrowing them from a specific client, but rather reporting on the experiences of many. So, pay attention - these thoughts may be present for you, too.

The first thought we're going to look at is, "I should be able to figure this out on my own." This might be an undercover thought of yours if you feel stuck, and if you find yourself cycling between feeling determined and feeling defeated as you think about the challenges you're working on in your relationship with your child.

Listen on for more.

We're going to talk a little bit more today about brains: specifically what being gifted means about a child's actual, physical brain. I'm going to be talking about two concepts, neurobiology and neuroplasticity, and I want to define them for you here at the beginning so that it's clear what I'm referring to when I use them. Neurobiology, at its most basic, is the biology of the nervous system, and that is essentially what I'm referring to. I'm not talking about Neurobiology with a capital N, the branch of science that studies the biology of the nervous system. I am clearly not a Neurobiologist. But I do want to explore the neurobiology of gifted kids brains: the way they are structured and the way that they function.

Neuroplasticity, on the other hand, is the ability of the brain to respond to and change because of the experiences of an individual. Neuroplasticity is what allows us to change our thinking, to develop a growth mindset, to build skills and grow as humans.Both neuroplasticity and neurobiology are relevant and important to any discussion about giftedness and what it means. Neuroplasticity is important because this is what allows gifted kids to get through the particular challenges they face. It is very common for gifted kids to breeze through elementary school, but then struggle to complete assignments in middle school when they have to keep track of their own work, manage their own time, and complete more complex assignments, for example. Because their brains are neuroplastic, though, they can develop the study skills and time management skills to be successful beyond elementary school. They can learn to persist through challenges instead of throwing their hands up and saying they can't as soon as they hit something they aren't instantly good at.

Neurobiology is equally important to this conversation, especially since there is a lot of pushback against the whole idea of giftedness. And I will admit, it's not the best term. BUT it does exist, these kids have specific needs and specific challenges that are rooted in the neurobiology, the wiring of their brain. It is simply not true that every child is gifted and their gifts just need to be talented. It is not the case that since everyone can cultivate a growth mindset, gifted kids do not exist. They absolutely do. The proof is in their neurobiology.

In this episode, we are diving deeper into what makes a gifted brain, and how you can support them in developing skills that will help them through the challenges they might face.

Some relevant articles you might find interesting:

How Gifted Brains Function and Learn - Oak Crest Academy


Neuroscience of Giftedness: Physiology of the Brain – Gro-Gifted

Relevant podcast episodes:

Episode 93: Overexcitabilities and Gifted Children

Episode 49: Understanding Gifted Kids

Ready to book your consult? Do that here.

It is not uncommon for parents that I work with to realize that their child might be highly sensitive, look into it a little bit more, and then realize that they might be highly sensitive, too.

This might mean that you are easily overwhelmed by the amount of activity and noise in your house, especially when you are trying to do something like cook dinner.

It might mean that when your child has a hard day or is experiencing big emotions, you feel it deeply, too.

It might mean that you find yourself "overthinking" things that have happened.

It might mean that you'd rather have a nice weekend at home than hustling from one activity to the next.

And it might mean that you need time to process and regroup.

All the things that are challenging and amazing about our kids apply to us to some degree, too.

So, what do you do with that? When you think about situations in which you've felt overwhelmed, it's easy to see how it can be a liability. But it can also be a great asset.

Here are a few things you can do to support yourself as a highly sensitive parent, and shift the needle toward seeing your sensitivity as an asset in the relationship you have with your child.

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This Friday, January 27th, at 10:30 AM Pacific Time (I believe I said 10 AM in the episode. The correct time is 10:30), I will be hosting a roundtable for parents of highly sensitive children. Register at the link below to get to know me a bit better, connect with other parents, share experiences, and just know that you're not alone.

https://alltakes.com/marketplace/partneredpathparenting-community

This week we're taking a look at the subtleties of the language we use to describe our experience of parenting.

Parenting is challenging. It's challenging for everyone. But what does it mean if parenting feels tricky?

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Today is March 1, 2022, and it seems more relevant than ever to discuss what to do when big scary things are happening in the world. Do we protect our children and preserve their innocence as long as possible? And while that might be possible if you are a parent to a young child, if your child is elementary school-aged or older, this becomes an impossible task as they pick up so much at school.

Now, if you've been listening for a while, you may have picked up on the fact that I believe our children are capable far beyond what they are typically given credit for. I personally don't subscribe to the idea that we must protect our children from what's happening in the world, but I also don't believe that we need to expose them to what we might think of as the harsh realities of life so that they are prepared for the real world.

Our number one job is to help them make sense of and navigate their reality. This includes processing their emotions, understanding the contexts for their day-to-day life and activities, as well as building compassion for and connection to the lived experiences of other people (in a nutshell- social justice).

With this in mind, I'm going to give you two guidelines for discussing heavy or challenging things with your child at any age. Because the specifics of what you say change as your child ages, but the foundation remains the same.

Are you ready?

We are into the last full week of November, and I've got one more thought to share that I see getting in the way for so many parents.

Most parents who carry this thought (or any of its variants) have adopted it with the intention of being more accepting of their child. And that's a good thing. We want to be accepting of our children and how they interact with the world.

But when we really unpack this thought, it's usually resignation, not acceptance that we find.

How can we tell the difference?

Acceptance encourages us to be proactive. We end up looking for the best ways to support our child and meet them where they are.

If we are feeling resigned, on the other hand, we are more inclined to wait it out, to endure. And that's okay, but it's not actually in our child's best interest or our own.

Even if we're in the middle of something that will pass, there are still opportunities to connect and foster their growth that we miss if we're feeling resigned and simply waiting. And for us, we are more likely to feel frustrated or helpless, and more likely to become reactive if we're just gritting our teeth and looking for a light at the end of the tunnel.

This week we're going to talk about riding the waves instead of fighting them.

Life is wavy. It's part of the human experience. We all have highs and lows, good days and bad days, positive and negative emotions.

This is normal and we don't need to change it.

But I want to share something that I observe over and over again - in myself, my clients, the people around me - and that's that when we feel challenged, when life feels hard, or we feel anxious a lot of the time, those feelings can become habitual.

Let's say you've had an intense week. Your kid was sick, so you lost a lot of sleep and were stuck at home, then you got sick, then school was canceled because of the snow...

When your circumstances stack up like this, you might start thinking about all of the things you could be doing, all of the work you're going to have to catch up on, all of the screen time that's slipped in over the week and how hard it's going to be to rebalance. From there, you hit your emotional lows. You might feel anxious, edgy, defeated, depressed... and those emotions make you more reactive and less emotionally available or connected to your family.

Your lows dip lower, and you can't wait for things to get back to normal, to have more space.

Then Monday rolls around, and everyone is back to their routine, but you can't stop thinking about all the makeup work you have to do. Even though it's what you wanted, it still doesn't feel good. And while you may have felt excited or optimistic at first, you find yourself dragged down quickly as your focus shifts to your to-do list. And at the same time, you can't stop thinking about how much of a fight your child put up about going to school. The time you were looking forward to, the space, the freedom, doesn't ACTUALLY feel free or spacious. You end the day overwhelmed and drained.

It's familiar. It doesn't feel bad, necessarily. Just like you're always fighting. Fighting to make it through the hard times, fighting to catch up. You're always on, somehow, always thinking ahead and anticipating and feeling like there's something you SHOULD be doing. And you never take a moment to celebrate the fact that you've made it this far. Your brain is so busy, actually, that you never really get to rest, even.

This is just one example - a fairly mild, run-of-the-mill example - of how this can show up.

What I want to offer you, though, is that this pattern is a habit, and it's one that keeps you feeling on edge and anxious regardless of what your circumstances are. You might even tell yourself that things aren't really that bad, and yet you still find yourself lying awake at night thinking about how you're going to make it through the next day.

You never really turn off.

When your circumstances feel bad, you're fighting to survive. And when your circumstances ease up, you're fighting to catch up or make good use of the time.

You're always fighting.

And it feels normal.

And if you try to let go of that, if you try to just be present to the good and the bad? It feels... uncomfortable.

So you stay with what you know, you keep fighting, and you go through life exhausted and edgy.

I want to offer that this is very, very common, AND that there are steps you can take to address it today.

Last week we talked about what it means to be parenting in the gap. We talked about signs you can look for to help you recognize when you're living in the gap between the way people parented when you were young, and the way you want to be parenting your child. We even talked a bit about what you can do to start closing that gap, to start stepping into the vision you hold for your family.

In this episode, we're focusing on what I consider to be the top skills to cultivate to bring you closer to that vision, and help you start establishing an intentional legacy for your family.

I'm focusing on skills because they translate from one stage to another. I'm NOT feeding you strategies or tips and tricks because A) those are easy to find - most parents don't lack strategies, they struggle with implementation, especially when it seems like the strategies they're following aren't working, and B) ultimately, the strategy that works for one family might not work for your family.

This is a story about an emotional weekend, some silly putty, and what personal growth as a parent can look like.

This is a story about staying present, grounded, and calm, even when they are overwhelmed by emotion.

This is the result I hope to create in my life, over and over again, and it is the result I help my clients create, too.

I am a better parent because of this work, 100%.

And if you feel overwhelmed by their emotions or like you're always walking on eggshells... if your initial reaction is to wish the emotions away or try to get them to stop (by asking them to take some time by themselves to calm down, revoking privileges, yelling, minimizing)... or if you're spending tons of energy trying to PREVENT the emotions from coming up in the first place...

I can help you. Schedule your consultation on my website, partneredpath.com/coaching, right now.

You don't need to wait for them to get a little older. You can stop wondering whether or when they'll outgrow this. You can take responsibility for your experience of their emotions right now, without anything changing on their end.

This is my magic and I can't wait to share it with you.

I want to zero in on one specific way that I see highly sensitive children interacting with the world this week.

Since being "highly sensitive" is characterized by a collection of temperament traits, and since there are other temperament traits at play in any person's overall temperament, there are many different ways that highly sensitive children can show up in the world.

An introverted HSC comes across differently than an extroverted HSC, for example. This is one of my favorite examples because historically being highly sensitive has been lumped together with introversion or shyness, so when we see a child who's outgoing and very social AND has big emotions that seem to come out of nowhere, it can be confusing.

But in this episode, I want to talk about highly sensitive children who seem like they are behind their peers in a particular area at first, but then shocks you with their sudden acquisition of the skills you thought they were lacking.

Dr. Elaine Aron defines four core traits of highly sensitive people: Depth of Processing, Overstimulation, Emotional Reactivity, and Sensing the Subtle.

Over the next two episodes, we're going to dig into each one of these, look at what it means, and talk about the challenges it can create for you and your HSC.

For this episode, we're going to focus on the first and last traits: depth of processing and sensing the subtle. I like to talk about these two together because they both contribute to how easily your child gets overstimulated and how often those big emotions show up.

If you've been listening to the podcast for a while, you might have heard me talk a little bit about gifted kids and the relationship between being gifted and being highly sensitive.

I like to acknowledge as I enter into any conversation about giftedness that, yes, the term can be off-putting. But I stick with it because most people understand what it means, and because I believe it's important to recognize giftedness as a form of neurodiversity. Despite the fact that historically many gifted programs have been filled with a mix of high-achieving and gifted kids - which are actually two different things - and despite the fact that there has been a whole lot of inequity in the identification process for gifted programs, gifted children do exist, and they have distinct characteristics and educational needs.

One of the characteristics I've talked about on the podcast before is asynchronous development. Many gifted specialists now recognize the presence of asynchronous development as the critical marker of a gifted child, not IQ. Interestingly, IQ tests are not always accurate. If a child is unwilling to answer unless they know for sure the answer is correct, for instance, the score will skew lower. If the child offers an answer that is technically correct but not the prescribed answer, the score will skew lower - unless you have an evaluator who understands how highly gifted children operate. The example I've heard given of this is say the evaluator holds up one finger and asks what is this? The "correct" answer is a finger. A highly gifted child might answer "a phalange" "a digit" or "the number one." All of which are technically correct, but aren't the answer the evaluator is looking for. They are not allowed to score incorrect answers or prompt the child to give a different answer, but they don't have to score the first answer, so a skilled evaluator will just wait. If a child is actually gifted, they will likely cycle through a variety of answers if the evaluator doesn't move on, so it's just a matter of waiting for them to get to "a finger."So IQ is often unreliable. Asynchronous development, on the other hand, is much more reliable. Asynchronous development occurs when a child is advanced in one area but behind in another. It might mean they are advanced academically, but behind their peers socially or physically. If your child can carry on deep conversations and seems wise beyond their years in many ways, but then pulls a Jekyll and Hyde meltdown over something that seems insignificant, that's a pretty good indicator of asynchronous development.

And Asynchronous development is a strong marker of giftedness.

So are Overexcitabilities. And that's what I want to talk about today. I think I have talked about these before too, but I want to take the time to dive in a little deeper today. because understanding overexcitabilities is especially relevant to this podcast because being highly sensitive falls into the realm of these overexcitabilities, and while I believe it's possible to be highly sensitive without being gifted, there is a much higher rate of high sensitivity in the gifted population. It makes sense when you start to see these overexcitabilitities as traits of giftedness and start to understand that they are often more pronounced the more gifted a child is.

Listen on for a more in depth explanation of each of the five overexcitabilities, what they look like in children, and what you can do to support your own child.

Today we're talking about how we view our children and the language we use to describe them. The language we use matters. It has the power to shift our thinking, even if it's subtle. And sometimes a subtle shift in thinking is all it takes to set us on an entirely different course.

Now, I want to get a little more specific because my intention with this episode isn't to explore our language use in general. Today we're going to look at what happens when you shift from viewing children through the lens of special needs to regarding them as possessing special rights.

Over the past few weeks, I've been sharing some of the topics I coach my clients on that seem like they have nothing to do with parenting (but actually impact the way we parent A TON). This week we're looking at time management.

Time management is another one of those things that sounds separate from parenting. But if it's not becoming clear through this series, the way we do one thing is the way we do everything, and if we can get to the root of these things that have often been long-term challenges, we see how that same root cause is contributing to challenges we face in other areas of life.

So if you are someone who has always struggled with time scarcity and time management, this episode is for you.

In today's episode, we're discussing rhythms, with particular attention to the way our family rhythms are influenced by the seasons, the

environment, and our own personal rhythms. Creating a predictable rhythm for your family gives your child the structure that they need to feel secure and prepared for what's coming next, without the rigidity of a traditional schedule. A rhythm allows for so much more flexibility, so you can give them space to keep going when they're absorbed in a book or a project, while still helping them makes sense of transitions.

We'll take a look at the way our environment and our hormones affect our personal rhythms so you can use that information to inform how you approach the daily rhythm you're establishing intentionally with your family. And when all of your rhythms are synced up, everything flows much more smoothly.

Today we're talking about something that happens if you're trying to control your reactions as opposed to changing them. I call it creepy calm. This is very closely related to what I talked about in Episode 17: Cultivating Patience. It's a by-product of what I call white-knuckling patience (or calm). Essentially, it's when you have an emotional reaction to whatever your child is doing or saying, but you are so committed to staying calm that your energy gets poured into maintaining the appearance of calm while frustration, anger, even fury, are brewing beneath the surface.

It's like Luisa's eye twitch in Encanto, or that dog who's sitting and drinking coffee while the house burns down.

I'm fine. This is fine.

When you're using that much energy to contain your emotions, you take on a flat affect. You may appear calm, but it's a creepy calm. And your kids don't dig it.

Listen on for more...

***

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One hour/$100.

10 spots available.

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We place so much pressure on ourselves as parents to live up to a certain standard.

We also want to do right by our kids.

and we certainly don't want to be that family - you know the one - their kids are running all over the restaurant, screaming and throwing things, and losing it when it's time to leave the park. Their kids never get along and aren't speaking to each other by the time they're adults.

We don't want to be that family, but we secretly worry that we are. Especially if our children are highly sensitive and emotions run high.

Life sometimes feels like a s#&! show, and when it does, most parents either beat themselves up for letting it get this bad or not having it figured out by now, or they throw in the towel because they feel like there's nothing they can do.

But neither of these approaches really serves you.

This episode is about finding a better approach to those weeks or months that life feels like it's spinning out of control.

In this week's episode we're talking about the power of offering your children choices. Regardless of what parenting books you've read (or haven't), you have probably heard that it's a good idea to offer your child choices.

And I agree. Having a say in what they do is empowering and can help reduce the number of power struggles you are experiencing with your child.

However, sometimes I talk to parents who have been offering their child choices and it doesn't seem to be helping. If this is you, this is your episode! Either way, it is absolutely worth your time to bring some intentionality to the choices you offer your child.

***

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When we start to shift away from punishments there is so much programming to wade through.

We worry that kids need consequences.

We worry about being too permissive.

We worry about spoiling them.

The biggest worry of all, though, is that what we are doing isn't working.

I want to spend our time together today talking about a pattern that emerges when we start doing the deeper work of creating change within ourselves and our families.

It's a pattern that shows up when we are making changes within ourselves in all areas of our life, when we start to change our thinking and how we feel in certain contexts. And generally speaking, this pattern shows up as a form of confusion or denial.

We see that things outside of ourselves are beginning to change, and we question the changes we see. We wonder, did I really do this? Maybe it was just luck. Maybe it was a fluke. Maybe my child was in a difficult phase and they've outgrown it. Maybe it has nothing to do with me.

Or, we see the impact of the work we've been doing, and instead of embracing a newly cleared path forward, we worry about whether we will be able to maintain the change. What if we fall back into old habits?

The key lies in integrating the changes you're making, so they're not just something you're trying on - they actually become a part of who you are in the future.

Asking for help is a skill that, for many of us, has to be developed. Especially if you are someone who did well in school, was able to fly under the radar and complete the assignments adequately without needing to ask questions or get help from the teacher. For many of us, there is an internalized belief that we should be able to figure it out on our own, especially when it's something as seemingly natural as being a parent. At the same time, there's a pervasive cultural belief that parenting is hard. So that leaves us stuck, struggling, trying to figure out something that we know is going to be hard, is supposed to be hard, right, without ever asking for help because we should be able to figure it out on our own.

It leads to a lot of struggle. A lot of frustration. And it just keeps going because of a reluctance to ask for help.

In this episode, we're going to explore some of the different reasons people avoid seeking help when they're struggling, and hopefully make the process of finding the support you need feel a little more accessible.

This week on the podcast, I want to recognize there are certain situations in which it is absolutely normal to have an elevated reaction to what you're child is doing. If they are running towards a busy street, for example, or riding their bike and seem oblivious to the stop sign that's right in front of them. Their bodily safety is at risk, and as a parent, that's scary. It is totally normal to "overreact" in those situations. The key is in how you recover and how you repair with your child, and that's what we're looking at today.

***

I also am excited to announce that I'm now offering tiered pricing for my one-on-one coaching. It's an honor system; you get to self-identify (based on my descriptions) which bracket you land in. Everything is listed on my website, http://partneredpath.com/coaching

I hope this makes coaching more accessible to you when you need it, and I hope it makes reaching out for a consultation feel inviting and like the right move to solidify your decision, your next steps.

I have a simple but powerful metaphor I want to share with you this week. It's particularly relevant if you've ever felt like your child was manipulating you, picking on you, or even bullying you. In other words, if your child knows how to push your most painful buttons and it seems like they use that to try to get their own way.

How we view triggering behavior in children, especially when it seems like they are being deliberately hurtful, makes a huge difference in how we react to that behavior. This episode will help you shift from seeing their behavior as an attack to seeing it as a defensive move.

***

In this episdoe, I also mention my monthly coffee chats. The next one is coming up in two weeks: April 12th, 2023, at 10 AM Pacific Time. You can register to join us here: https://www.eventbrite.com/e/parents-of-highly-sensitive-children-coffee-chat-tickets-601665958077

There's something so alluring about having rules to guide you. If you know the rules, all you have to do is follow them. So when things feel chaotic, it might seem like you just haven't found the right rules yet.

This might be true.

BUT

The rules are much simpler than we've been led to believe, and they probably aren't what you think they are.

They aren't actually about screen time or rewards or finding the right system.

They aren't locked up behind a fancy course.

In this episode, we take a look at a different sort of rules for parenting. Rules I can stand behind as relevant and applicable for all.

The idea for this episode initially came from a phenomenon I have witnessed in a lot of new parents who are wanting to parent more gently, and that is an aversion to telling their child no.

So I thought about calling this episode the fear of no.

BUT the more I thought about it, the more I had to consider all of the families I've worked with whose children push back against hearing NO.

So, I want to offer perspective on both sides so you can decide where you and your family land.

We'll start where I started, with the fear of no.

When my daughter was born, we lived in Boulder, Colorado, a place where many, many parents are doing their best to be forward-thinking and parent differently. So as she hit the toddler years, I noticed a theme in the words of the parents around me - "I try not to tell them no."

And honestly, I get where they are coming from. They want their kids to be free to explore, to have the opportunity to just be kids, without a world of negativity raining down on them.

The misconception, though, is in the idea that there's a problem with the word no. No is actually a very useful word in all sorts of contexts. It is really the intention behind the no that matters. So it makes sense to resist telling your child no if you don't have a good reason for the no. It makes sense to work on the reactions - the anger and frustration - that might get paired with a no for your child. But I want you to notice if you feel like saying no is mean. If you feel bad or guilty for telling your child no, even when it is a genuine response. No, we aren't going to be able to do that today. No, I can't let you wade into the rushing river. No, I can't let you chase a ball into a busy street. No, we're not going to buy a new computer.

Now, maybe it's easy enough to shrug off the guilt when there is a clear safety issue at play. But think about the other contexts. Notice if you have a tendency to say "we'll see," when your child asks you a question that is actually a no because it feels gentler.

It isn't gentler.

This is a thought error.

The most compassionate thing you can do in these situations is to communicate clearly.

***

This week is the week to register for the fall cohort of Intentional Legacy Creators. You can do that at my website, HTTP://partneredpath.com/intentional-legacy-creators/

You may have noticed that I didn't share a podcast last week.

I was all set to create an episode about identifying your forced yeses - the situations where you are saying yes, adding things to your to-do list, holding yourself to your word because you feel like you're supposed to, when it actually isn't an ESSENTIAL TASK, you've just built it up to be, and practicing saying no instead, and my body sent me a loud and clear message to listen to my own advice.

I literally had my computer open and my notes started, and I had to walk away and lie down because I was so dizzy I felt nauseated. I walked away that morning, and I was out with a migraine for three days.

I needed that message as much or more than I needed to share it, so I'm circling back to be sure I articulate it for you as well.

This is particularly relevant if you are feeling overwhelmed, but worth listening to even if you're not at the moment because we all feel overwhelmed at some point.

And while this is, at some level, about giving yourself permission to say no to things and giving yourself permission to rest, I want to take the conversation a step further in this episode and look at what might be going on for you that might make it difficult to take a step back. I want to take a look at three specific internal scenarios that can contribute to feeling overwhelmed AND make it hard to let go of things that aren't necessary so that you can take care of yourself. I'm going to share them with you in no particular order, and then take a few minutes to explore each one a bit more deeply.

We are approaching our fall break here in the United States, and it felt appropriate to talk a little bit about balanced scheduling.

It is so tempting, especially if school has been taxing for your child and you've been dealing with after-school meltdowns on a frequent basis to envision the holidays as a lovely, relaxed time without schedules. A time to reset.

Or maybe you fall into the opposite camp. Your holidays are busy and you are looking forward to time spent with extended family, enjoying good food and kicking off the winter holiday festivities.

Either extreme - overscheduling or underscheduling - can lead to days off that are more stressful than they need to be. Kids in general, but especially sensitive kids, need some structure and predictability to feel safe, but they also need downtime to recharge.

They need balanced scheduling.

Balanced scheduling is a concept that I've come up with that consists of three components:

• having a daily rhythm.


• scheduling in down time.


• planning fun outings together in advance, but not every day.

In this episode, we're going to take a look at each of these components and how you can implement them to help your holidays flow more smoothly and feel more relaxing.

***

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This week we're talking about PDA profile autism.

I hope this episode serves as a doorway or a starting point. I'm sharing my understanding of PDA profile and encouraging you - if it sounds at all like your child - to dive deeper and pay particular attention to autistic adults who are speaking up about their experience with PDA. You might check out PDA Our Way FB), Unschooling Stanley (IG), Steph's Two Girls (blog), and Paige Layle (youtube).

PDA Profile Autism is an anxiety-based form of autism. Basically, the PDA brain interprets any sort of "demand" as a threat, and responds with a no. Kids with PDA profile might be viewed as defiant, but it is actually their fight or flight response kicking in. It is not a recognized form of autism in the United States (yet...) and it's not in the DSM, but it is recognized in the UK, so I share the PDA Society of the UK's guide to identifying and assessing PDA.

Another resource I mention in the episode is The Declarative Language Handbook. The way we talk to our kids matters, and this is especially true for PDA profile kids.

Listen to the full episode for a more detailed description and signs to look for.

Click here to schedule your free consultation and explore what coaching together would look like for you.

One of the most challenging times of day for many parents I work with is bedtime.

It's the end of the day, our kids have been through a lot and are not at their most receptive - they might be feeling silly or even irritable - and we're tired, too.

By the time bedtime routines roll around, most of us are just ready to be done.

Then you layer on the worries that have space to surface when the lights go out, and you find yourself in your child's room, trying to reassure them, when you're just done and ready to spend some time taking care of yourself.

Sound familiar?

Now, there are a number of things that can be going on at bedtime, so I want to be clear that my intention with this podcast is not to "solve" bedtime for you.

Instead, I want to give you permission - and encouragement - to break the bedtime rules and allow it to look different.

I recently saw a NeuroWild comic about screen time as a regulation tool. It shows a cat skimming across a body of water in a rowboat, and a mouse treading water and being surrounded by jellyfish. I'll put a link in the show notes, but the gist of it was this: everyone experiences the world differently. For some people, the outside world is overwhelming and exhausting, and screens offer an opportunity to stop treading water and disengage from the jellyfish.

They also offer some examples of how to rewrite or rescript common thoughts parents have about screen time, which y'all know I love.

I wanted to give you an overview of the comic and give credit to its creator because it's a powerful message on its own. You can view the original here: https://www.facebook.com/permalink.php?story_fbid=pfbid0ABkvmptHQY1ReA4o6gJ4fLHoo7Kphq5PhKK2op3eEj8u865LSdZc8is8nzh2P6krl&id=100087870753308

For me, though, it was a jumping-off point. I want to set the screentime component aside and talk to you today about this idea of keeping your head above water while being stung by jellyfish.

I want to take you through a little thought exercise today. We're going to think about teachers and classroom management and how that all ties in to your parenting. And yes, I know that kids behave differently at school than they do at home. This isn't about comparing you to your child's teachers. This is about looking at the teachers you have known and getting curious about the differences between them and what THAT might mean for you as a parent. What teachers stand out to you? What separates them from the rest? And how can you apply that insight to your own parenting journey?

This episode focuses on some of the long-term lessons I've taken from my yoga practice and been able to apply to my life as a parent and just life in general.I'm going to focus on four key take-aways, and just know that these are the ones that came to me quickly and easily. Yoga has had a huge impact on my life, it definitely extends beyond these four points. But these really are life lessons, not just yoga lessons, and you don't need to have a yoga practice to benefit from hearing them.

A lot of parents of highly sensitive kids are also highly sensitive themselves. For some reason, we tend to be drawn to each other, so it's not uncommon for whole families to be highly sensitive, even though it's a trait that's only found in 15-20% of the population.

What this can mean for our families is a lot more overstimulation. If you are highly sensitive and your child's energy ramps up when they are overstimulated, or their sensitivity leads them to cry easily over things that seem like they shouldn't be a big deal, you're more likely to get overstimulated yourself. We tend to feed off of each other.

This is just part of our wiring. BUT that doesn't mean you have no control in these situations. There is the fact of having a more finely tuned nervous system, and then there's how we think about it and what we make it mean about us.

.

There's so much advice for parents out there. There's the old-school, obedience-focused advice, which often doesn't work so well for sensitive kids, and then there's the new-wave which encompasses everything that deviates from the old norm. Some of it is great, some of it is less-so, but it all represents a shift away from using physical means to control kids.

But there's still a strong current of control. There's still a strong current of "don't let them get away with that." There's still a strong sense that good kids listen to adults and follow the rules and they shouldn't need to be told multiple times.

I've been thinking a lot about advice lately, because even though most of my work is helping my clients unravel their thinking and their reactions and build new strategies that work for their kids, there are some common ways of thinking about children and parenting that, when unraveled, can be boiled down to advice-like chunks. I want to share some of this "advice" with you today. Or maybe it's more like anti-advice. I want to share with you a collection of things that you don't have to do as a parent, no matter how much it feels like you do, and I'm going to explain why each one of these is worth considering.

***

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So far we've been talking about what it means to be highly sensitive, and what your child's sensitivity might require from you as a parent.

This episode is a big one because we're going to dive into overstimulation and big emotions.

Many of my clients come to me because they are dealing with one of these two challenges, and they're feeling overwhelmed and exhausted. Understanding what to do when your child is experiencing big emotions, and how to bypass overstimulation can provide so much relief, and that's exactly where we're going in this episode.

This episode is part of a series about topics I frequently coach my clients on that seem like they have nothing to do with parenting. In the last episode, we talked about people-pleasing. If that episode resonated with you, you definitely want to listen to this one, too, because boundaries can be quite challenging if you have any people-pleasing tendencies.

It's not uncommon to hear parents talk about boundaries. More often than not, though, they are talking about creating expectations or rules for their child's behavior. They're talking about defining the edges of what counts as acceptable behavior.

That's not what we're talking about here.

Today we are going to talk about boundaries as a means of ensuring that you are tending to your own needs.

Welcome to the Partnered Path Podcast! My name is Julia McGarey, and I'm a life coach for parents of highly sensitive children. It took me several years after I first heard the term "highly sensitive" to realize that I am a highly sensitive person, and while it's a term that is becoming more mainstream, there are still a lot of misunderstandings and misconceptions when it comes to sensitivity.

In this episode, I give you an overview of what it means to be highly sensitive, and what this trait can look like in children.

If you have any suspicion that your child might be highly sensitive, this episode is your starting point. And if you don't? It's worth listening anyway. Highly Sensitive Children (HSCs) are the canaries in the coal mines. They show us exactly where old-school parenting strategies fail children, and they help us see how we can adjust to better serve the social and emotional needs of all children in our lives.

One of the biggest challenges of the pandemic for so many people has been the feeling of helplessness and suspended animation. At this point, we're all familiar with it. We've all had moments in which our circumstances were so far out of our control that it felt like there was nothing we could do but wait.

This has been a huge learning opportunity for so many of us because the easy answer when our circumstances suck is to change our circumstances. Or try to. The pandemic, however, has made it clear that changing our circumstances isn't always an option. Besides that, even when we are able to change them, we carry our brains with us into our new circumstances. That means that we'll continue to have similar challenges, even in new situations.

This strategy didn't translate well to the pandemic, and we all felt it.

It doesn't translate well to parenting, either, but when we focus our attention on our children's behavior and how it needs to be improved, that's exactly what we're doing. We're trying to alter our circumstances to change our experience. And it doesn't serve our kids.

In this episode, we're taking a closer look at why trying to change our child's behavior as our primary strategy isn't very effective, and how we can begin to approach these situations differently.

Kids need consequences, right? Not necessarily, and definitely not in the way most people imagine that they do. This week we're exploring what you (and your child!) miss out on when you focus on doling out consequences for their actions, and what they actually need from us in those moments when we feel most challenged by their behavior.

My daughter is at Girl Scout Camp this week, and it's been a challenge for both of us. She's on day two, and it feels very timely to talk about helping our kids do things that are hard for them, and knowing when to give them a little nudge and when to pull back.

I'm sharing a reflection of our journey this week, including the clues that I picked up on along the way that led me to encourage her to keep trying. I'm also talking about signs that you might see that could help you decide not to force the issue. At the end, I connect this all to school refusal because it's a lot harder to just accept that they are struggling to go when it comes to school. All of the messages we receive say they should be there. But it's not what's best for every kid, so how do you know if sticking with it is the right move?

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I want you to think about the process of creating a new habit. If you've ever set a New Year's resolution and lost track of it after a month, you're familiar with this. Change isn't that hard to initiate, it's maintaining the change that's tricky.

It's tricky because we have a lot of practice with our old habits, our old ways of thinking, our old ways of reacting. When we allow ourselves to settle into autopilot mode, those are the grooves we fall into. They are what we know, and what we know feels comfortable and safe, even when it's not actually in our own best interest.

And on top of the fact that we have a lot of practice doing things the way we've always done them, our brains tend to work against us when it comes to making changes. Our brains are wired to keep us safe, and more often than not we interpret our status quo as the safest path forward, even when it's not actually the best path forward.

I mention my group coaching program, Intentional Legacy Creators in this episode. For more information, please visit my website: http://partneredpath.com/intentional-legacy-creators/

I've got a bit of a different spin on power struggles than we tend to hear.

Most advice out there focuses on how to handle power struggles: give them warnings, give them choices, offer incentives or consequences to get them to comply.

Did you catch that?

Most advice about handling or avoiding power struggles is built on the assumption that the goal is compliance.

We want to get them doing what they're "supposed" to do without all the resistance.

It's not bad advice. It just glosses over the root cause of the power struggle: You and your child have different thoughts about what they should be doing. And it's compounded by your expectations that they defer to you. That they comply.

Claim your self-coaching guide: https://partnered-path-parenting.ck.page/2dcf2e7426

So often when our child is struggling, they struggle in more than one area of their life. This episode explores the value of focusing in on the most challenging area, and letting the rest slide.

Sleep has never been easy for us. It's been one of my biggest challenges as a parent, and it's a challenge for so many of us parenting sensitive children.

This week, I'm sharing our sleep journey and the mindset that has helped us get to a place where we're sleeping well more often than not. To be clear, I'm not sharing answers here. Every child is different, and every family has different comfort zones for what they are willing to try. My path will look different from yours, and that's okay. The key is how I approached the problem, not how I solved it.

Our actions don't just come out of nowhere.

There is always a thought (conscious or unconscious) and a feeling driving our actions. And when we look at it this way, it gives us a different perspective, a different sense of responsibility in regard to our own actions.

Well, this connection between thoughts, feelings, and actions holds true for our kids, too. Their actions or behaviors don't just come out of nowhere. And the better we get at figuring out what's beneath/behind their actions (behaviors), the better we are able to work as a team and problem solve together.

One of the things that comes up when we shine the spotlight on you and your thinking from the very start is something I call Belief Denial.

This is something that has come up for me in my own work with my coach, and I've seen it come up for my clients, too.

See, this work we do is a bit like an excavation. We are looking for what's happening internally for you in those moments when you are having a big reaction to something your child is doing or saying. We look at the feelings that arise in your body, and we look at the thoughts you have in those moments. We're looking for the obvious thoughts AND the undercover thoughts, and trying to pinpoint the ones that trigger the strongest feelings in your body.

When we find those thoughts, our brain's response is to deny that we believe them. And then we layer all sorts of thoughts, all sorts of stories about ourselves on top of it. We deny that thought holds weight for us, and we make it mean something about us that it even showed up. We make ourselves feel worse about it, and that thought we don't like gets shoved back down instead of addressed.

How do you break this cycle? Listen on for more.

***

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Have you ever taken issue with the way another adult has interacted with your child? Maybe it was their teacher, their soccer coach, their grandmother... Maybe it was an issue of consent, or maybe the adult was disrespectful or leaning hard on shame as a means of control... There are so many situations, especially when parenting against the grain and parenting a highly sensitive child, that can get our hackles up as parents.

And that's what I want to talk about today - those moments when our hackles rise, and we find ourselves thinking I need to DO something, this is NOT RIGHT.

You know that sensation, right? Where the hairs on the back of your neck stand up? That is a fight or flight response.

That means that in those moments, you are likely to do one of three things: react big, freeze, or scoop up your kid and get the hell out of there.

When it comes to parenting and advocating for our kids, one of these three responses is elevated above the others.

Think about all those Mama Bears out there... All those parents - because let's be real, Dad's can jump into action for their kids, too! - who are ready to throw down for their kids. It's almost become a badge of honor, what with all the Mama Bear t-shirts and paraphernalia out there.

Culturally, we've come to value taking a stand for our kids. We've come to value advocacy and speaking up. At least more than we used to.

But it's time to release the Mama Bear metaphor, and I'll tell you why.

Friendships can be hard for highly sensitive kids, and if your child happens to be highly sensitive and gifted, it adds another layer of challenge. It's hard for us, as parents, to watch our children struggle to make and keep friends. So, in this episode, we're exploring the challenges that highly sensitive children face when it comes to friendships, as well as how you can help them work through their friendship challenges.

Once or twice a month (at least!) I have a day when I just need to slow down. I either have a headache, brain fog, fatigue, or all three. For me, it's most likely a result of whatever's going on with my thyroid that day, but really the why of it isn't that important. What we're talking about this week is the specific circumstance of illness or fatigue and the beliefs I see parents carrying that interfere with or prevent them from taking care of themselves.

If you can't find a way to slow down and tend to your body when it's giving you very clear signals that it needs you to, you are drawing out the experience; the more you ignore it and try to push through, the longer it's going to last, and the more likely it is to affect your patience with your family and your tolerance for other people's imperfections.

Tending to yourself and taking care of yourself matters. It makes all of life's ups and downs easier to take. But it can be hard to put into practice. Why is that? What's getting in the way of you taking care of yourself?

When you pour water onto a sponge, eventually it hits a point of saturation.

It doesn't matter how slowly you pour, every sponge has a point at which it can't take on any more water.

And if you squeeze a saturated sponge, what happens?

Water shoots out.

Your child is like that sponge.

Every conflict, every power struggle, every transition, every unexpressed emotion, and every additional layer of hunger or exhaustion is like an extra splash of water.

Eventually, your child hits their limit.

And then the emotions come.

And yes, it's important to support them through their emotions. But when they've hit their saturation point, it makes a lot of sense to address what's pushing them to that point in the first place.

Are they refusing to try new foods at dinner?

Are they refusing to go to the bathroom independently?

Are they refusing to pack their own lunch?

None of these things are required, we just think they are.

And so we insist, pouring more water into the sponge.

These are just a few things that, if your child is having daily meltdowns, you can back off on and help them dry out a little bit.

It's not forever.

And if you take the pressure off, you no longer have to expend that energy either.

It really is a win-win.

***

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I want to talk to you today about the value of a safe space. Now, it may seem obvious - of course children need a safe space that they can go to! But I've had a few conversations lately and some experiences of my own that have reminded me of the importance o fcreating safe spaces for your child to turn to. I'm going to start by sharing my own story, then talk a little about what constitutes a safe space and why they are important, and then we'll look at a few examples where safe spaces might get overlooked and the sorts of problems that can arise from that.

So, I was inspired to share this with you today because I'm a Girl Scout leader, and I realized last night that I hadn't explicitly defined a safe space for my girl scouts to retreat to should they need to remove themselves from the group dynamic. Why would they need to do that? Well, our troop can get pretty loud. The girls can get silly. And it can get a little bit overwhelming. And sometimes there are games with a clearly defined winner, and, as we all know, there can be a lot of emotions wrapped up in winning and losing. I always allow the girls to opt out of activities or games that make them feel uncomfortable, but I haven't ever said "If you feel like you need a moment away from the troop, I understand that, here's where you can go."

And yet, I know that this is something that is so valuable to offer.

This kind of safe space might take the form of a cozy corner in a preschool or elementary school classroom, but they aren't as common as kids get older.

As they get older, adults tend to expect that they will just be regulated. That they'll be able to handle disappointment, that they'll be able to participate attentively, and that they won't need any extra support doing this.

Now, if you're parenting a highly sensitive elementary schooler or middle schooler, you probably know that these assumptions do not hold true for all kids. Big emotions in big kids are no joke, and if they don't have a safe space or permission to process them, they tend to internalize them until they have the safety they need to release and process, or they become disruptive.

Offering a space where kids can process what they're feeling, or just have space away from everyone else is a kindness to all kids.

This episode is about disappointment.

Really, the message I want to share with you is pretty concise:

You are allowed to feel disappointed.

So often, we try to talk ourselves out of feeling disappointment.

We might tell ourselves it's not that big of a deal.

We might focus on the rational side, the pros of the situation if you will, and try to prove to ourselves that it will be better this way.

We might even try to talk ourselves out of disappointment because of what being disappointed would mean about us.

But what we resist persists, and the more you open yourself up to feeling disappointment, the more likely it is that you will move through it cleanly.

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Often when I talk to parents, they are overwhelmed and stressed. They are reaching out to me because all of the recommendations and everything they've tried with their child hasn't worked, and they don't know what to do next. They might be avoiding family outings or vacations because they're worried about how their child will behave. Or maybe they've just received a diagnosis for their child and they are grappling with what that means for their family. They're reaching out because parenting feels hard and non-stop, and their relationships with their child, their partner, and themselves are struggling. They are looking for a light at the end of the tunnel.

And sure, this is where we start. I want to be sure my clients start to get their heads above water - and quickly. But what I want to talk to you about today is everything that follows. I want to talk to you about Intentional Legacy Creation and Impossible Dreams.

I've talked about emotions and processing emotions on the podcast before, but we're exploring another facet of it this week. We are looking at what happens - what assumptions get taken on board - when nobody has ever taught you how to process your emotions. We're going to look at the misconceptions that come up with my clients (and other people I talk to) that actually prevent them from processing their emotions effectively.

This week I want to talk to you about how your intentions can shape the way your actions land, and I want to talk about this specifically in relation to "First/then" communication.

This is something I coach my clients on from time to time, and it's something I do myself. Instead of saying, "You need to do your homework in order to have screen time," for example, I might say, "You really want to spend some time on your iPad. Let's take a look at your homework first, so we can make sure you don't run out of time, then you can play."

OR

"You really want to go to the park today! I have some errands to run, and I need you to come with me. We're going to do those first, and then we can go play at the park until 3." Instead of, "We can't go to the park today if you don't come to the store with me!"

It's a shift away from taking away privileges in order to gain compliance. Actually, it's a shift away from compliance as the primary objective; my aim when I use this sort of language is to acknowledge what they want to do, to reassure them that I'm paying attention to them and that their needs matter, and to let them know in clear language what needs to be taken care of first and WHY. I want them to understand that their needs and desires are important, and if they have to wait on them, there's a legitimate reason.

Since that's my intention (and how I encourage my clients to use this kind of language), I'm not going to be saying things like, "If you get all your homework done, you can have extra game time!" or "If you come to the store with me without whining, I'll get you a donut!"

The intention is totally different.

What got me thinking about this was a conversation I overheard this weekend between two people who work in schools. I believe they were both counselors. And they were talking about using first-then behavior contracts. The idea behind these contracts is to set up a reward system for students who have trouble engaging in expected school activities. The intention is to motivate students to engage in the schooling by being complain stand doing specific tasks in order to be rewarded with an activity of choice. It's very much a carrot-dangling situation.

The intention is very different.

***

I help parents live in harmony with their highly sensitive children through one-on-one coaching. To get started, email me at partneredpathparenting@gmail.com to schedule a free consultation.

It's December, and we're right in the middle of the holiday season here in the U.S.

Whether you are busy this time of year or not, there's usually enough that's different to create some bumps for you or your kids.

So, for the first few weeks in December, I'm going to focus on some tools you can add to your family toolbox - most of which are already available to you in this moment - to help you create more calm and connection this December.

This week, we're looking at tools to help you and your kids feel more grounded when everything around you feels kind of chaotic.

This week I'm sharing an interview I did with Hannah Brooks for her podcast, Highly Sensitive, Happily Married. Hannah interviewed me two years ago, and we were both excited to circle back to it and share it with you here!

In this episode, we talk about how we sensitive parents can raise healthy happy kids AND have great marriages at the same time. Although it can often feel like a great marriage and happy children are mutually exclusive, they actually can go hand in hand. Tune in to learn how to make that the case for you and your family.

We cover: How to create more well-being in our marriages while raising kids -- even sensitive kids --well. How the well-being of your marriage affects the kids, both in a positive and negative sense. How come your emotional well-being is so important for sensitive kids. Tips to stay centered and make life easier as an HSP, while raising a family. How to tell if your child is sensitive, and why it matters. Dealing with the big feelings of a Highly Sensitive Child and navigating the times when children are going through harder phases. How to stop getting caught in the trap of “there’s no time for each other because of the kids” and create time for yourself and your marriage while providing the kiddos with what they need to thrive. Creating more connection with your kids and your partnership. Helping kids be helpful team players in the family and grow into great humans! And more. Come hear it all from the mouths of two Highly Sensitive moms and experts in thriving as a family when one, some, or all of you are sensitive.

You can find Hannah's podcast on your favorite podcast platform or on her website (https://www.lifeisworthloving.com). She's also on instagram @hannahbrookslovecoach.

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A couple weeks ago, while we were visiting family, my daughter got to have her first ever Nerf gun battle with her cousin. It was epic! She had so much fun. They even let her take a mini-nerf gun home with her.

Well, she was playing around with it when we got back to her grandparents house, and she accidentally shot somebody in the side of the head.

This week, I'm sharing this story as an example of what kids need when society would tell us they need consequences, and how you can help your own kids move through big emotions and regroup.

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Join me next week for my September Reset Retreat.

Three days for you to get grounded and set your course.

September 13-15.

$30.

Register here: https://partnered-path-parenting.ck.page/products/september-reset

Reflection is something that's strongly encouraged this time of year. We are encouraged to look back on all that we did or didn't do and decide what we'd like to do next.

It can stir up a lot of emotions: pride, joy, regret, determination...

And it's usually from those emotions that we set our intentions for the next year.

I want to offer you a slightly different approach, one that you can carry with you throughout the year. I want to encourage you to go from reflection to evaluation.

They sound pretty similar, right? If anything, I think evaluation has more of a negative connotation. Many people hear evaluation and think of formal testing, or school.

The distinction I want to draw, though, is this.

Reflection is the first step in the evaluation process, but evaluation goes above and beyond reflection, allowing you to look objectively at what is working for you, what is working for your family, what isn't, and what you're going to change. Evaluation occurs after you have reflected on a situation AND processed the emotions that went with it.

This week we're talking about The Show. It's the show that comes on when your child pushes your buttons. The Mom Show. The Dad Show. The Grandma/Grandpa/Uncle Show...

We're talking about it because so often the action of parents taking responsibility for their emotions and learning to temper their reactions is framed by the negative impact it might have on the child. Big reactions are a source of trauma, and through big reactions, it's possible to teach your child to hide their mistakes and hide their emotions. It can also breed perfectionism and a sense of inadequacy.

It's a lot.

And if that's what you're hearing, but your child seems pretty unphased by your reactions and continues to push your buttons no matter what you try, the prompt to look inward and calm yourself first can fall a little flat.

But it is just as important in these situations.

Being the star of the show may not seem like it's traumatizing your child, but it's certainly not creating the result you want. In fact, it's creating MORE of what you DON'T want. It's also creating more stress for you, a disruption in the connection you feel with your child, and possibly even feelings of resentment towards them.

This isn't what we signed up for.

And it's certainly not the legacy we want to create for our families.

So how do you change it?

How do you turn off the show?

***

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It's happened to all of us. We're right on track for bedtime, or the morning routine is lined up just right to get to school on time, and then... they get stuck. They're dancing in the bathroom and watching themselves in the mirror. They're picking at scabs instead of putting on shoes. They are pulling out the markers to start a drawing instead of grabbing their backpack. Or maybe you've agreed to lie down with them at bedtime but they just won't stop talking and go to sleep...

There are a number of reasons why this might be happening, but we're not going to go there today. Whether it's developmental or a stalling technique, I want to talk a little bit about how this is landing for us as parents, and what we can do about that.

This has been happening a lot around our house lately, so I'm speaking from my own experience, but it happens with my client's and their kids, too. And I know that for many of us, when our child is moving at a turtle's pace and we think they should be moving faster, it sparks frustration. We get irritated, and it becomes very difficult to stay calm.

I'm going to give you a few questions to ask yourself when you find yourself in this situation, but first, I want to posit that whatever your child is doing, whatever the reason, it's exactly what they should be doing at this particular moment in time. Take a moment to consider that and consider what it would mean if it were true. I can imagine there might be some resistance to allowing this as a possibility, especially if you already believe that your child knows what they should be doing, they just aren't. I want you to consider this and allow for the possibility that it might be true, and consider what that might mean for you. Could it be true, then, that this is a part of their progression towards independence? Could it be true that this behavior, while annoying, is communicating something other than defiance or resistance? Could it be true that this behavior is a sign post directing you towards skills that are still under construction, that they need more support with in order to be truly independent and efficient in this area?

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Summer is drawing to a close in the US, and that means many of you are transitioning back to school. Your child's schedule is changing and so is yours.

This week we're taking a look at one of the common tendencies as we aproach big transitions: waiting. When you know change is coming, you're more likely to tell yourself you just need to hold out a bit longer to start that new project, or wait a few more weeks and you'll have more free time.

My goal with this episode is to help build your awareness so that you can see when you are doing this, and to share a strategy that has been incredibly helpful for me when I find myself feeling resigned to waiting on my circumstances to change.

***

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This week we're talking about a drive that I see in many of my clients and in the world around me, and that is the drive to fix things for their kids. I remember reading an article seven or eight years ago about how this generation of parents was morphing from helicopter parents - parents who hover - to snowplow parents - parents who clear all obstacles for their child, making life too easy.

I want to talk about this because it isn't just about fighting their battles for them. More often than not, the drive to fix things or make things better for their kids shows up in their interactions at home and how they navigate difficult conversations.

This is something that we've been coaching on in my group, Intentional Legacy Creators, and I wanted to bring it to you here so you can begin to mull it over and make changes of your own before doors open again on June 6th because I want you to join us, and I want you to feel connected to what we are creating - what you could be creating - before you even step into the room.

***

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We've been talking about brains a lot over here, and I wanted to share a few of the conversations I've had with my daughter recently because it's not really something that's modeled for us very often, and it's so very useful to our kids, especially if they are prone to overthinking, or black and white thinking, or even anxiety. Honestly, I knew it was something that could be helpful, but I've been amazed at how much it has helped my daughter.

I want to share two separate conversations we have had about brains lately, one focused on brain development, and one exploring anxiety and negativity bias.

Fun stuff, just in time for Halloween!

I mentioned last week that I wanted to share a story with you about bedtime and problem-solving.

One of the biggest things I work on with my clients is including their children in the problem-solving process. We talk about having conversations outside of the moment, when everyone has calmed down. One of the challenges that often arises, though, is time. If you are a working parent, it can feel like there's no time to have these conversations. And then you just feel stuck. The pattern persists, and you're scrambling for ways to solve it in the moment that may or may not work, and you're never actually getting to the true root of the problem.

I want this story to be an example of what's possible, and evidence for you that these conversations don't have to be hard.

This week I want to really dive into what you can expect from my group program, Intentional Legacy Creators. Doors open for the fall cohort on Sunday, September 25th, and as that day approaches, I want to be sure that you are clear on the structure of the group, but also on the value of being in a group like this and why I created it.

I created ILC because I wanted to build a container that would make holistic parent coaching (life coaching for parents) accessible to more people. I wanted to connect parents who are all in and committed to doing the Internal Work to change their mindset so they can show up the way they want to for their kids, their partners, their careers, but most importantly, for themselves. I care intensely about helping parents step out of survival mode and into a way of living that feels aligned with their values and their vision of the future without having to wait for their child to change or outgrow this phase that they're currently in.

This translates into shifting our focus away from fixing our children's behavior and  getting really curious about what that behavior is communicating, and then supporting them with that underlying challenge, need, or feeling. It also means focusing on understanding our own reactions and triggers, learning how to allow & process our emotions, and take care of our nervous systems so we spend less time in overwhelm and less energy resisting feeling the uncomfortable feelings. We engage in fewer power struggles and are able to build more connection. And from there, we are able to expand our focus.

It's no longer about getting to the light at the end of the tunnel, but how you are lighting up the tunnel along the way. What do you want to bring into your life? Are you itching to start a business? Join a soccer team? Run a marathon? Start cooking more?

Have you always been curious about homeschooling or unschooling, but uncertain about how to make it happen?

This is a place to explore all of those possibilities that feel a little out of reach or unrealistic right now. You will not only have me as your coach, you'll also be connected to the rest of your cohort through your shared experiences and group coaching - you will get to know everyone in the group and connect to all they have to offer in a way that you just can't in a free facebook group. I'm sure you can imagine, it's not just anybody who's drawn to working with me!

***

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We had quite a weekend of cookie booths and birthday parties, and I want to share a little bit about our experience in this episode and lead into the question in the episode title, and that's what does a maxed-out nervous system look like for your child?

What are your child's tell-tale signs? How do you know if they are feeling something big under the surface? How do you know if their nervous system is maxed-out? I've found it to be so helpful to know what it looks like from the outside when she is experiencing turmoil on the inside. And I'm always adding to my mental catalog. I'm always reminding myself that when I see these things, there's something else I'm not seeing.

In this episode, I'm sharing my story and walking you through a few examples of things that kids might do when they are experiencing something big under the surface and have simply hit their limit that are often labeled as problematic behaviors. These are clues. You get to be the detective and start to unravel the backstory when your child is giving you this kind of a clue.

Deciding to leave the ways of the past in the past (spanking, timeouts, or any other reward/punishment system) and forge a new path forward is the first step towards a new way of parenting, but it's definitely not the last.

Forging your own path forward is not easy, simple, or straight-forward. It is multi-faceted and layered. Not hard, necessarily, but definitely on-going.

Today we're talking about one of the layers that you find once you make the decision to opt out of punishments, and that is the need to look beyond behavior. So many parents try on new strategies, but still measure them by the same old standards: if their child's behavior isn't changing, they decide what they're doing isn't working.

We need to shift the focus away from the behavior and start looking at what's underneath it. And we need to take the time to consider what other measures we can use to guide ourselves and our decision-making. How will you know if it's working if behavior isn't the measure?

Since last week did not go as I had planned, it got me thinking about how much power we give to our circumstances. For example, we tend to attribute our emotions to our circumstances. Whether you are feeling down because you're sick, or feeling on edge because your child has been having more meltdowns lately, there is a very common tendency to link how you're feeling to what's happening in the world around you.

When you do this, you place yourself at the mercy of your circumstances, and it's very difficult to see how you can do anything to change your experience (besides changing your circumstances). When you attribute your emotions to your circumstances, you create a trap for yourself. You give yourself no other option but to wait for your circumstances to change, or to go out and change them.

You may not even realize that you're doing this. You might think you're simply feeling stuck. Hopeless. Defeated.

And it's normal to feel bad when you perceive your circumstances as bad. This is a connection that nearly all of us make. The problem is that we assume causation. We assume that our circumstances are CAUSING our emotions, and we completely overlook an essential factor at play: the way we think about our circumstances.

Over the next few weeks, I'm doing a series on some of the challenges my clients face that seem like they have nothing to do with parenting, but actually have a huge impact on the relationship you have with your child and the parenting legacy you're creating. We're starting off this week with people-pleasing: what is it, and how does it affect the way you show up with and for your child?