Explore every episode of Parenting teenagers untangled. 🏆 The audio hug for parents of teens and tweens.
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05 Feb 2022
6: Body image and chores: Helping teenagers to develop a positive body image. Also, getting your teenager to do chores without nagging.
A healthy body image: Feeling happy and satisfied with your body and what it can do.
An unhealthy body image: Highly self-critical, comparing their body to others and obsessing about some aspect of it.
Beauty and body image are universal triggers for shame. Shame is a deeply painful sensation from the belief that we’re not good enough and will not be accepted by a group.
Influences:
Family environment,
Ability/disability
Attitudes of peers
Social media
Cultural background
Only 5% of American women have the body type that advertising depicts as ideal. People magazine poll found that 80% of women respondents felt insecure when they viewed images of women in TV and films. There’s an entire industry fueling our negative feelings regarding body image.
How to prevent body image issues as a parent:
Psychologists Jean Baker Miller and Irene Stiver 1997 study said that what gives us self-esteem (the opposite of shame) isn’t a terrific outfit or success, it’s forming and maintaining relationships which makes people feel sure of their value.
Talk to your teenager about images in social media. Help them to see how fake they are and how digital manipulation is rife, also how everyone doesn’t look like that.
Praise your teenager for what they can do, not what they look like.
Sharing the knowledge that shame is a normal experience helps the teenager feel that they aren’t alone.
Be kind to yourself. Expecting perfection from ourselves makes us expect it from others.
Be proud of things about yourself that aren’t about your appearance.
Avoid negative talk about your diet/crash diets.
As a parent, be proud of what your body can do.
What to look out for:
The teenager belongs to a group that insists on a certain body type.
Perfectionism.
Continually comparing their body to someone else.
Not wanting to leave the house, or try new things, because of the way they look.
Obsessing about weight, or a part of their body.
Spending a lot of time looking in the mirror for imperfections.
Linking food with feelings of guilt or shame.
Strange eating habits.
What to do
Talk with your child about what you’ve noticed. Don’t dismiss it.
There are some excellent self-help books.
Seek professional help early.
Resources:
https://raisingchildren.net.au/pre-teens/healthy-lifestyle/body-image/body-image-teens The Body is Not an Apology by Sonya Renee Taylor I Thought it was just me by Brené Brown
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I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
Covid has given everyone a real bashing. For teenagers, one upside is that we now talk more about mental health, but at the same time our teens have been stuck in their rooms on digital devices. The number using social media for four hours or more has increased dramatically. Seeing people who aren't in lockdown having fun or looking glamorous just at the time when they want to be branching out is very difficult for teens.
A recent analysis for the BBC says there’s been a 77% rise in severe mental health cases in under 18’s and that head teachers are also reporting a huge rise in less severe mental health issues.
In a recent survey of over 200 of Place2Be’s frontline mental health professionals the common themes that young people have been raising are
· Loneliness & isolation (55%)
· Academic worries (48%)
· Juggling schoolwork (45%)
· Loss of rituals like end of year activities or exams (43%)
· Family relationship difficulties (42%)
A very touching, emotional BBC documentary that helps to see the world through the eyes of school kids and teachers: https://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/p0g8c10s/helping-our-teens-series-1-episode-1
WHAT CAN YOU DO? Tips – www.place2be
· Remind your child about everything they want to achieve and encourage them to look ahead.
· Remind them of how valued they are.
· Acknowledge how hard it has been not seeing their loved ones and friends. Help them find ways to do that.
· Respond calmly and in a resilient way and your child will take their cue from you.
· Encourage them to try new things in something they enjoy.
· Check in with your teen. It's really important to find time to connect with them AND to encourage them to talk about their feelings.
SLEEP AND TEENAGERS:
Tips – The Sleep Foundation: get them to review their sleep patterns:
· Budgeting eight hours of sleep into your daily schedule and keeping that same schedule on both weekdays and weekends.
· Creating a consistent pre-bed routine to help with relaxation and falling asleep fast.
· Avoiding caffeine and energy drinks, especially in the afternoon and evening.
· Putting away electronic devices for at least a half-hour before bed and keeping them on silent mode to avoid checking them during the night.
· Check the mattress and pillow are good for the teenager.
· Keeping your bedroom cool, dark, and quiet.
SOURCES:
Julie Hubbard, professor of psychological and brain sciences at the University of Delaware
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I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
Is conflict never-ending in your home, or are your teenagers benefitting from having a sibling? We talk about our own experiences - memories of driving our own siblings up the wall - and the research we've read that will help you to make the situation positive.
One thing to note is that if you have an only child don't panic. There are some enormous benefits of not having a sibling; it's just different.
Top tips from Positive Parenting Solutions for reducing the conflict between the siblings in your home:
Don't label your children, or compare them. Don't make them the pretty one or the clever one or the sporty one. It's very limiting and is bound to create conflict.
Arrange for attention. Make sure they each feel they are being noticed, and that their needs are being met. Those needs will differ between children.
Prepare for peace and set grounds for acceptable behaviour. Teach them the language they should be using to communicate properly, be clear about what is expected from them in your home, and arrange ways in which conflicts can be resolved without fighting.
Stay out of the conflict. Don't always step in to resolve it. They may be fighting just to get your attention. Each time you feed that behaviour by getting involved you run the risk of making things worse. Teenagers need to be developing the skills to fix problems themselves, so give them time to work it out.
Calm the conflict if you do get involved listen to both sides, getting them to talk in terms of 'I feel'. Don't apportion blame, get them to discuss ways in which they can stop the situation escalating again.
Put them all in the same boat. Make the consequences of their behaviour the same for everyone involved. If they end up fighting they both end up suffering. If they behave themselves, they both benefit.
Listener's question: We discuss the case of a thirteen year old girl who is doing very well at school, but misbehaving at home, vaping and swearing.What's going on? Could her parents approach the situation differently? How should we handle vaping?
For vaping, watch Big Vape with them. It’s on Netflix in the Broken Series.
Resources referenced in the podcast: Sibling rivalry:
Siblings Without Rivalry by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish
The Sibling Connection by Jane Mersky Leder
Calypso by David Sedaris
https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/articles/199301/adult-sibling-rivalryJudy Dunn, professor of human development at Penn State University.
Deborah Gold, Ph.D., senior fellow at the Center for Aging and Human Development at Duke University
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I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
Susie is available for a free 15 minute consultation, and has a great blog: www.amindful-life.co.uk
05 Mar 2022
9: Screens and teens. Here’s how to help them, and yourself, manage your time. Also can we talk about healthy eating without giving our teens an eating disorder?
More than half of UK parents in one study were concerned that excessive screen time while schools were closed could cause addiction later down the line, so if you feel the boundaries have shifted you're not alone.
Don't panic: Common Sense Media and the WHO (when adding gaming disorder to their list of diseases) say it's not how many hours are spent on screens, it's what your teen is using screens for and the impact it has on how they feel and the other areas of their life.
Lawsuits against Meta (Facebook and Instagram) for the harm they cause users - https://socialmediavictims.org/meta-lawsuits
HEALTHY EATING: Our knowledge and understanding around eating disorders is far more developed than it ever was in the past. Most of us know that developing a disorder can be harrowing and life-threatening, and needs professional intervention. As a result, many of us are fearful of saying anything for fear of triggering a disorder.
Prevention begins with open communication - start early:
· Regularly discuss media messages that convey the idea only a certain body type is acceptable, and encourage your teen to question what they're seeing.. · Be kind to yourself about your own body. · Teach your teen to tune into how their diet affects how they feel, and their energy levels. · Encourage your teen to eat mindfully, and only when they're hungry. · Eat together as a family · Listen to our podcast on promoting a
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I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
If you know the film Mean Girls you're no stranger to the concept that teen friendship groups can be fraught with problems. Whilst the film illustrates an extreme version of the issue any parent of girls will be familiar with the angst they can cause. With the help of the book Queen Bees and Wannabes by Rosalind Wiseman, Susie and I look at how you can coach your daughter positively through this tumultuous time. Below are top tips I gleaned from the book:
Wiseman breaks down the structure of these groups into roles. The Queen Bee - the one who sets the tone for the group, and holds control. The Sidekick - the one who backs up the Queen Bee. The Banker - The one who collects information on members and uses it like a currency. The Messenger - The one who passes on information to try and make peace between girls. The Pleaser/Wannabe - The one who tries to please the others regardless of what she loses in the process. The Torn Bystander - The one who sees what's happening but feels powerless to say anything. The Target - The one who is undermined to consolidate power. The Champion - The one who manages to have friends in different groups.
Power is wielded through teasing and gossip.
An excellent video to watch with your teen: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1zx11-9RU2U
The job of the parent is to help your daughter recognise what's happening and help her to strategise.
How to do this: S: Stop and strategise. E: Explain to 'mean girl' what it was that she doesn't like about the way she has been treated. A: Affirm her right to exist without being humiliated. L: Lock in/Lock out of the relationship.
Bill of Rights: · What does she want and need in a friendship? Trust, reliability.. · What are her rights in a friendship? To be treated respectfully, with kindness and honesty. · What are her responsibilities? To treat her friends ethically. · What would a friend have to do or be like for her to end the friendship? · What are her friend’s rights and responsibilities? To listen, even when it’s not easy to hear.
See www.culturesofdignity.com for more information.
HOW TO GET YOUR TEEN TO KEEP GOING PAST THE FIRST HURDLE:
Research by Seligman, Peterson and Duckworth. shows that the most successful people have seven key character traits. · Zest · Grit · Self-control · Hope-optimism · Curiosity · Gratitude · Social intelligence
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I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
One of Susie’s superpowers has been raising three kids alone, so this time we look at some of the issues of lone parents, and some top tips for managing well.
We talk about positive modelling of the opposite sex, the stresses on teenagers and how to support them, and how to use mindfulness to find your way through the stresses of doing it alone.
Links to resources I dipped into are below. We’d love to hear if there are any specific issues you’d like tackled.
Moody teenagers:
Simon’s son’s moods are bringing down the whole family. He asked us what he can do about it and how to know when it’s something more serious than just being a typical teenager.
We talk about the science behind what’s happening, the way in which it can trigger our fears as a parent, and what to do to coach a teen through moody phases so that it doesn’t impact the entire family.
We also give the top things to consider when wondering whether it’s something more serious that needs professional help.
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I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
Negative physical, verbal, or relational actions that (a) have hostile intent, (b) cause distress to the victim, (c) are repeated and (d) involve a power imbalance between perpetrators and victims.
What researchers have learned about it:
There is no single profile of a young person involved in bullying. Youth who bully can be either well connected socially or marginalized, and may be bullied by others as well. Similarly, those who are bullied sometimes bully others.
Solutions to bullying are not simple. Bullying prevention approaches that show the most promise confront the problem from many angles. They involve the entire school community—students, families, administrators, teachers, and staff in creating a culture of respect. Zero tolerance and expulsion are not effective approaches.
Bystanders, or those who see bullying, can make a huge difference when they intervene on behalf of someone being bullied.
Studies have shown that adults can help prevent bullying by talking to children about bullying, encouraging them to do what they love, modelling kindness and respect, and seeking help.
WHAT PARENTS CAN DO: Ask questions of everyone, write everything down and become the most pleasant nuisance you can be until it is resolved.
Beforehand: Parents create trust with children by initiating open, honest discussions. Communicate values and learn about your child’s experience. Make it easier for your children to turn to you if they witness or experience bullying. A bully's preferred method of intimidation is to keep his victim isolated. A parent's best strategy for countering bullying is to reach out to as many people as necessary to make sure that the bullying comes to an end.
IF YOU THINK YOUR TEEN MIGHT HAVE BEEN BULLIED: Start the conversation in a general way because it’s humiliating to admit. IF THEY AREN’T SURE IT WAS BULLYING: Ask open-ended questions to get more information about what happened, so you can help them identify bullying. IF YOUR CHILD WAS THE BULLY: Stay calm. Be open and listen. Ask questions. The goal is to help them learn from this and work through the reasons they did it so you can help them find other, healthy ways to deal with their feelings or situations that come up. You will also need to work with the school or parents to deal with it.
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I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
Pornography is probably as old as art itself. Whether you indulge, or wouldn't go near it, there has never been a time when it is more graphic, or readily available to children and teens, with the knock-on impact on their own attitudes towards sex and relationships. Just for context, an unbelievable 42 billion individual visitors accessed Pornhub in 2019, averaging more than 115 million visits per day, and that was before Covid-19.
That's why it's critical that we all find a way to have conversations with our teens about what they might access, whether deliberately or by accident, and how to put it into context in a way that will protect them from the harm it can cause.
In this episode we looked into the statistics, the science, and the reality of how we talk to our teens and what we need cover.
Some of the resources mentioned in our 'Spending time with your teens' section: Outdoors: AllTrails app https://www.geocaching.com/play - which is like treasure hunt
Popular games with our teens: Catan Know The Great Game of Britain Monopoly Risk Poker
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I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
The anxiety epidemic: In 2020 the UK charity Mental Health Foundation surveyed more than 2,000 children and found 50 per cent of teenagers aged 13-19 were experiencing anxiety they found hard to control.
Suggested books:
· The Anxiety Workbook for Teens: Activities to Help You Deal with Anxiety and Worry
· Breaking free from Childhood Anxiety and OCD, Eli Lebowitz.
Key points taken from UNWINDING ANXIETY: by Judson Brewer
Mindfulness is a key tool:
'If you feel anxious it’s an uncomfortable feeling so you start worrying about it. Worrying is seductive because it makes you feel like you’re doing something to get to a solution. All it does is to distract you from the negative emotion. It temporarily numbs the difficult feelings and feels more rewarding to your brain than the original emotion.'
'If your brain learns that worrying provides temporary relief, then whenever you’re anxious your brain will trigger worry. It becomes a compulsive habit over which you have no control, but the worrying makes you feel more anxious.'
· The first step to understanding your own anxiety is simply mapping your own habit loops/ What kind of situations trigger anxiety or other difficult feelings?
· Which behaviours has your brain learned to respond as a way to soothe or distract you?
· What is the result of those behaviours?'
When you get into an anxiety loop use:
RAIN:
Recognise difficult feelings.
Accept them and allow them to be there.
Investigate the sensations in your body and emotions bubbling up.
Note what’s going on, and simply observe yourself out of curiosity.
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I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
The rate of self-harm among young children in the UK has doubled over the last six years according to recent research compiled by the British Broadcasting Corporation.
Keith Hawton, a professor of psychiatry at the University of Oxford, told File on 4 the data on self-harm was “in keeping with what we’re finding from our research databases. It’s almost as though the problem is spreading down the age range.
One analysis of self-injury behaviour across more than 40 countries found that the average age of the first incident of self-harm is 13 and adolescents have the highest rate of self-injury behaviour.
Given the increasing risk that your teen, or one of their friends, will be impacted by self-harm we decided to delve into what it is and how we can better help our adolescents.
One mum says that her 12 year old teen began self-harming due to bullying. She takes her to the swings whenever she needs to soothe herself, and says it makes all the difference. Such a great idea!
Selfharm.co.uk Called Alumina is a free online 7 week course for young people struggling with self-harm Each course has up to 8 people, all at home. You don’t need an adult to sign you up. UK.
free online self-harm support for 14-19 year olds.
LifeSIGNS.org.uk information to support people who are ready to find new ways to cope.
Selfinjurysupport.co.uk offers information and support to women and girls affected.
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I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
When we covered the issues of friendship groups, with girls in mind, we had a massive reaction from parents who have been struggling to understand what's going on. Now it's the turn of boys. When friendships work, they are extremely beneficial, but what causes boys to struggle with their mates, and how can we help them?
Also, how do you deal with swearing in your family? Is it absolutely forbidden, does it matter who's doing it and when, or are you all a bit potty-mouthed? We look at the science and the social side of swearing.
Watch/listen with your teen: https://therepproject.org/films/the-mask-you-live-in/ https://www.ted.com/talks/chimamanda_ngozi_adichie_the_danger_of_a_single_story?language=en The Diary of a CEO with Steven Bartlett Podcast The 2022 film Close: https://www.festival-cannes.com/en/festival/films/close
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I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
Do you have a teen at home who's all sweet and loving with one parent, but treats the other like they're a bad smell? Karen says she feels like running away because she's walking on eggshells in her own house, with a daughter who is rude to her but sweet and kind to her husband.
Why do they do it and how can we, as both a parent and partner, make things better for everyone?
Also, it's been around since the Ancients: Personal expression using hair dyes, make-up, nail varnish, piercing and tattoos is something teenagers gravitate towards, and some parents struggle with.
How should we respond to any requests or demands, and what restrictions should we be putting in place?
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I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
Have you ever caught your teenager lying to you? Let's face it, lying is part of everyday life. In fact an entire film was made on the premise of a lawyer incapable of telling a lie for 24 hours. The result is comedy, but we all know that it can be serious.
Our challenge is teaching kids to be truthful to us when it matters, and to be able to tell the difference between the sorts of lies that oil relationships in a healthy way and the ones that will ultimately end up destroying trust.
We discuss the types of lying, the reasons why our teenagers are doing it, and how to tackle the situation when they're caught out.
Also, have you been keeping track of the age at which you give each of your teens specific freedoms? When could they get their ears pierced, when did they get their devices, and when were they allowed out to parties? Have you kept careful notes, or did you just wing it? It can cause real friction between siblings so we share our own stories.
https://www.jstor.org/stable/353854?seq=1#page_scan_tab_contents"Other Teens Drink, but Not My Kid": Does Parental Awareness of Adolescent Alcohol Use Protect Adolescents from Risky Consequences?
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I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
Susie is available for a free 15 minute consultation, and has a great blog: www.amindful-life.co.uk
25 Jul 2022
19: The overwhelming load of parenting work that’s never done; we talk about mom guilt and the motherhood myth. Don’t like your teenager's friends? Here’s how to approach it.
As a parent, have you ever felt overwhelmed by the sheer size of your job and the range of the responsibilities it involves? Do you ever feel like you've done enough, or are you always suffering with the nagging feeling that you are falling short and it's your fault that things aren't perfect? Well Clare certainly has, so she asked us to talk about Mom guilt. What we discovered has blown our minds.
Also, have you ever had that horrible feeling that your teenager is getting too friendly with the wrong kind of people? What do you do if you don't like their new friends? We researched what the experts say about it and talk about things that you can consider before wading in.
References: Helena Morrissey, Good Time to be a Girl
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I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
Drugs are everywhere; whether they are being peddled by pharmaceutical companies to fix medical problems, used as performance enhancers, or just for kicks, there's a really high chance that our teens will be offered them by someone.
The big question is how can we talk to our teens about them in a way that discourages dangerous habits or situations whilst letting them know that they can come to us for help and advice about what they're seeing and doing?
We discuss what drugs are, how to think through the subject as a parent, and how to talk with your teens to keep them safe.
Top tips from Sharon Levy MD:
1: Make your values and rules very clear, don’t be vague. 2: Ask and listen, but resist the urge to lecture. 3: If your teen has used substances explore the reasons. 4: Intervene earlier rather than later. It’s hard to spot when it’s becoming a real problem. 5: Be mindful of any history of substance abuse in the family. It increases the risk.
Also, divorce can be incredibly painful but one of the big problems parents can hit in the teen years is the teenager who decides they don't want to see the other parent. We talk about why this happens and how you can support your teen through it.
Resources: Starting with our favourites
Website for finding out about drugs being used by teens, and their possible side-effects: https://www.talktofrank.com/
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I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
Susie is available for a free 15 minute consultation, and has a great blog: www.amindful-life.co.uk
09 Sep 2022
21: Differing parenting styles, and future careers: Parenting together when you can't agree on a parenting style, also how to talk to your teen about their future career.
In all honesty, very few of us thought about our partner's possible parenting style when we began dating them. I know that I didn't. It's mostly romance and blind hope at that stage. By the time the subject really comes into focus we're already in the thick of parenting. Louise has asked us to talk about this, and we loved the topic because so many of us lack the skills to successfully navigate a happy path with a partner who sees things differently.
We talk about why consensus is so important in parenting, but also when disagreement can actually benefit your teenager. Finally, we give some top tips on how to go about finding a path to agreement that works for everyone.
Also, as the world shifts in the direction of a knowledge economy - and increasing automation of jobs - our need for new skills has made a college education seem vital. But is that the right path for our teens? Gaelle asked to discuss how we talk to our teens about their future careers in a way that supports them.
BOOKS MENTIONED: Thinking Fast and Slow by Daniel Kahneman
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I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
Can you imagine a TV presenter wearing the same blue suit on-screen for 12 months and nobody noticing, or commenting? Well in Australia, Karl Stefanovic did exactly this to make a point about the different standards men and women are held to. He says whilst his female colleagues were often messaged about what they were wearing, in his case nobody even mentioned his clothing. All the messages were about how he did his job.
This is the difficult world our teenage girls have to navigate. So they soon realise that what they wear has immense power, but also marks them out and exposes them to criticism. It's a tricky path to tread even for an adult woman. Given that our teen girls are growing up in a world in which many of their icons dress in a very provocative manner, the question of how we talk to our own daughters about the clothes they chose has never been more important.
So how do we tread the line between making sure that they feel confident about themselves, without triggering our own fears and prejudices?
Also, a housing crisis in Sarah's area has meant their family have had to downsize their home. She's concerned about how she should talk with her teenagers about the situation. We look at how she can handle it in a way that stops the situation from having more of an impact than it needs to.
https://adc.bmj.com/content/101/10/917 Family income and young adolescents’ perceived social position: associations with self-esteem and life satisfaction in the UK Millennium Cohort Study
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I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
Just under half a million teenagers will start university this autumn in the UK alone. Whilst it might be an exciting time for the teenager, the family left behind can be left reeling with a sense of grief and loss. We talk about what you might be feeling and how best to deal with it.
Also, Alex has asked us to take a look at what we should be saying to our teens about manners. We talk about what they are and what they say about you as a person.
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I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
We've all heard about the phenomenon of a midlife crisis, but it's the teenage years when we first really become aware of our identity.
For some, the sense of who we are beneath the roles we play is never a big issue. For others, the shift in perception can result in all sorts of problems. Battles at home if they're boxed into an identity they feel they don't fit, or difficulties at school where trying to fit into a social group can mean losing track of who they really are.
Helping our teens to navigate the issue can be made harder by our own struggles with the concept of identity and fears of losing the child we love. We try to unpack some of the issues.
For supporting material see Rachel's blog on our website: https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/blog/flirting-with-your-self/
Also, any teacher of junior school kids will tell you that one of the key ways they distinguish each other's clothing is by the smell. Yes, it really is a thing. When they hit the teen years, sniffing a garment can result in an unpleasant shock. Some teens respond to their new, distinct odours, by washing diligently. Others seem oblivious, joyously marinading in their own unique perfume.
We talk about the issue of smelly teens, and how to deal with a girl who rarely showers.
RESOURCES: Identity https://www.choosingtherapy.com/identity-crisis/ https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/who-am-i-identity-crisis.htm https://aspiroadventure.com/blog/why-is-teen-identity-development-important/#:~:text=Identity%20formation%20in%20teens%20is,most%20of%20their%20adult%20life. The 8 stages of development Eric Ericson: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aYCBdZLCDBQ&t=28s
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I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
Our teens have been dubbed Generation Isolation by the UK charity OnSide. It follows a poll which showed that 77% of young people spend most of their free time at home and 73% spend most of their free time on screens.
The charity says that while online communication is important and has some benefits, its dominance means young people are missing out on the face-to-face interactions that build social skills, confidence, self-esteem, resilience and empathy.
Whilst it's normal for teens to spend a lot of time alone in their rooms there seems to have been a general change in the amount of physical time that teens are spending socialising. We'll talk another time about parties, and managing them, but this time we discuss those all-important social skills and what we, as parents, can do to hep our teens develop them.
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I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
'Today's teenagers are far more hopeless than anything humanity has ever produced before,' according to Jeremy Clarkson, former presenter of Top Gear. He's talking about generation Z, which is the label for those born between 1997 and 2012 and the first to grow up entirely connected to the internet. His claim is that 'the offensive word today's entitled teens have never heard is 'no'. '
There are many articles about entitled teens, yet there are statistics that show they drink less, have fewer teenage pregnancies, and are more concerned about job prospects than previous generations.
So what is an entitled teen, is it all bad, and how do we make sure that we're not raising one?
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I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
Christmas is marketed as a time of magic and joy, but when it comes to your teenagers does it feel more like pressure - to deliver expensive gifts - and disappointment?
One of our regular listeners has asked us to research and discuss how to deal better with their lack of gratitude when things don't live up to their expectations.
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I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
Parties can be life-enhancing, joyous, and a wonderful chance to meet new people, but when it's for a teenager it can have a touch of the wild west about it.
For parents who understand the risks it can feel easier to say no, but if we think through all of the issues - and discuss them with our teens - there's far less chance things will go horribly wrong.
Our website has a free checklist of things to cover when planning your party.
RESOURCES USED: https://raisingchildren.net.au/teens/behaviour/peers-friends-trends/teen-parties https://www.whosthemummy.co.uk/teenage-house-parties-survival-tips-for-parents/ Wellington College UK document 'Alcohol and Parties.'
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I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
Having your own child can feel like an overwhelming responsibility at times, but when you become a step-parent it's even more complicated.
The child may feel resentful because they didn't ask for a new parent, their biological parents are likely to have issues with each other, and then there's our own needs in a new relationship.
Ultimately, step-parents can offer a really wonderful addition to the lives of our bonus children. How we go about it can make all the difference.
Given that both of us are step-parents, it seemed like a great topic to discuss after Kathryn reached out to us to ask if we'd help with the situation in her home.
In this episode we cover the critical importance of:
Bonding with the step-child.
Forming a stable and united front with your new partner.
Taking care not to take on the role of disciplining your bonus child but providing solid back-up for their biological parent.
Making sure that your own needs are understood and met.
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I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
Having kids can seem like a non-stop obstacle/crash course in how you get another living being to do things, whether for their own good or our own sanity.
Some of us are lucky enough to have grown up in a family structure which helps us figure out incentives and boundaries that work. Some equate love with giving them what they want, others are so exhausted it's more a matter of giving in.
It can feel like we have it figured out, then the teenage years hit and everything changes again. The trick seems to be getting the right balance between love and discipline, but how do we know what that is?
It’s very easy to overreact, and when that happens our relationship with our teen can suffer. The foundation we want to build on is a strong relationship in which they feel heard and understood.
So what do the experts say about it? What works, and what about the teenager who doesn't seem to care?
If you want more detail about how to mend your relationship so consequences will work, then you'll find my blog really helpful.
Parenting style as a moderator of the effect of temperament on adolescent externalising and internalising behaviour problems: https://www.cambridge.org/core/journals/educational-and-developmental-psychologist/article/abs/parenting-style-as-a-moderator-of-the-effect-of-temperament-on-adolescent-externalising-and-internalising-behaviour-problems/78AC30E10887EC321057BF1E1C8CA349
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I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
We've all done it; new year, new me. By January the 11th the lustre has rubbed off our shiny resolutions and we're back to our old habits.
The reality is that making resolutions and getting them to stick is harder than we'd like it to be. So how do we make changes in our parenting and our family in a way that will continue to work after the fireworks and fun?
In this podcast:
We talk about uncovering the intention behind the resolution. How to unpack those big problems to find a smaller goal to guide you. How to use small habits in your day to make those big changes more easy. And how using positivity can keep us going.
Some ideas:
Ask your teen what key change they would like to see and don't react badly to the answer
Find one on one time with each child
Don't text and drive
Create a tech contract
Create a chores contract
Yell less
Listen more
Sort out sleep routines
End your work day
Find space for you
Don't judge out loud
Let your teen cook once a week
Don't judge people out loud
Let your teen make their mistakes so they learn from them
Demonstrate the behaviour you want to see
Practice gratitude
Build a parent tribe of others who're in a similar situation
Make time for your partner
Get outside more
Sit down to family meals more often
Find games or activities you can all enjoy together
Resources: Small Move Big Change by Caroline Arnold. https://beenke.com/parenting/parenting-resolutions-you-can-actually-keep/ https://www.sheknows.com/parenting/articles/980167/new-years-resolutions-for-parents-of-teens/ https://www.rootsofaction.com/resolutions-that-can-change-your-teens-life/ https://hms.harvard.edu/news/uncontrollable-anger-prevalent-among-youth
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I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
The 'social contract' between families and schools has been broken during the pandemic, and ongoing absence of kids is a 'deep and concerning problem' according to Amanda Spielman, chief of the UK schools watchdog. Rates of school refusal and truanting are a huge problem in other countries too.
Finding the right approach for dealing with it is crucial, because whatever the reason for missing school it takes a lot of fixing and is a symptom of something else that needs to be unpicked.
RESOURCES:
The printable anxiety iceberg sheet: https://phecanada.ca/sites/default/files/content/docs/teach-resiliency/Iceberg.jpg
How to make a self-soothe box: https://www.youngminds.org.uk/young-person/blog/how-to-make-a-self-soothe-box/
RESEARCH AND LINKS TO HELP: www.schoolrefusal.co.uk
Parenting Tips 26: How to help your teen with friendship skills. Parenting Tips 19: What if you don't like your teen's friends? Parenting Tips 17: The lying teenager. Parenting Tips 16: Boy friendships. Parenting Tips 14: Anxiety. Parenting Tips 12: Bullying. Parenting Tips 10: Girls navigating friendship groups. Parenting Tips 5: The academic struggler.
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I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
We've been asked by a listener to discuss how we talk to our boys about influential online figures like Andrew Tate, who act both as an inspiration to achieve great things, and a lightning rod for disgruntled men who blame feminism for their ills and cheer on his particular form of aggressive misogyny.
If you have a son who spends time online he's highly likely to have come across the concepts being bandied around - simply as a result of the algorithms used in social media. Whether the words red pill, matrix, and manosphere have any particular meaning for you, they are having an increasing impact on the environment our boys are growing up in. It's up to us as parents to help our boys unpack what they're hearing and sift the diamonds from the dirt.
My research into the topic has highlighted an urgent need to be talking with our sons about their dreams, and how we can support them in discovering role models who show what it is to be a successful man, without needing to humiliate and destroy other people.
Top tips:
Avoid silencing your teen, even if you disagree with what they say. It's vital that they are given the chance to talk about what they're thinking so that you can have proper discussions about it. Telling them they are wrong won't help them think about the issues.
Focus the discussion on what is really attractive to them about the messages they are hearing, and help them to differentiate between the positive and the dangerously negative.
Unpick the words the boys use and be clear about anything that is sexist, racist, etc and why that's an issue. Remember, they are building their identity and they're allowed to make mistakes along the way. Don't shame them.
Arm yourself with real facts. If they tell you something that they've heard online help them to go to real sources, rather than simply listening to someone who has an agenda and wants to get lots of clicks.
Don't just focus on Tate, he's only one of the people espousing this thinking.
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I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
Nicotine is considered highly addictive, and sales of vapes to teens are illegal, but the numbers of teens vaping nicotine in countries around the world are causing great concern.
In America, the FDA called it an epidemic and is cracking down on the marketing and illegal sales of e-cigarettes to minors.
France’s anti-tobacco lobby called for the immediate ban of a brand of flavoured, disposable e-cigarettes - that are cheap and look like highlighters - which have become a hit with teenagers who’re drawn to neon colours and fun flavours.
A recent study in affluent SA schools showed one in four students are vaping.
In England, even the big supermarkets have been caught selling vapes that are above regulated nicotine strength.
So what's actually going on and - as parents - what can we do?
Blog post: https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/blog/vaping-and-what-i-would-do-if-i-discovered-my-teen-was-using/
WATCH WITH YOUR TEEN: Big Vape - Broken Series on Netflix https://www.imdb.com/title/tt14081634/ McCall Mirabella - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IluaaGVtJFU
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I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
The stress of parenting doesn’t go away when they’re teenagers, it just changes. We may have more physical space, but finding mental space can often feel impossible.
In this episode we talk about the tools we can use to manage parenting stress, and why paying attention to our own health should be at the top of our list, not the bottom.
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I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
Conflict is normal - but it often escalates during teenage years because our kids are trying to assert their own wishes, and probably aren't very skilled at it.
As parents, it's easy to fall into classic conflict traps if we don't have the skills for resolving disagreements.
In this episode we talk about the key techniques we can use - and teach - to ease tension and bust-ups at home and elsewhere. What's even better is that by learning techniques for being assertive - and listening until everyone feels understood - we can turn conflict into a positive that deepens our relationships and creates lifelong bonds of understanding.
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I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
Nobody likes blowing a fuse when their teen does something that triggers them, but we all do it at some point.
Nicky asked us to discuss this topic after she felt she'd overreacted to bad feedback from her son's teachers. We know it fixes nothing and leaves us feeling worse than before, but can we keep smoothing it over with an apology?
Long term we run the risk of ruining our connection with our teens because they learn that the best way to manage us parents is to keep quiet, hide, or lie to prevent a repeat,
So how can we stop ourselves from overreacting? We talk through some mindfulness techniques that could make all the difference.
This is also a VITAL skill to teach our own teens.
BOOK RECOMMENDATIONS:
When You Lose It by Roxy and Gay Longworth
The Chimp Paradox by Prof Steve Peters
RESOURCES:
How to Stop Overreacting to Everything by Patrick Allan
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I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
We all want our kids to do well at school, but when they become teenagers there's a tendency for both schools and parents to ease back on communication. The schools tend to be much bigger and our teens are trying desperately to distance themselves from parental control and show that they can make their own mark. In fact, most of us don't get to meet individual teachers until parent's evening when the feedback can come as rather a shock.
So how much should we be talking with our teen's teachers, does it make much of a difference, and what's the best way of going about it?
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I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
Most first world countries agree that the age of consent is around sixteen, but teenagers don't suddenly awake to their sexuality on their sixteenth birthday. Sexual feelings and interest can start much younger, well before they’re able to understand the implications. One mother has asked us to talk about the issue, because she's struggling to find useful content.
Knowing the law helps guide us as parents, but it doesn't exactly stop teens from vaping and drinking if they want to, so we have to be prepared to consider how to deal with underage interest in sex too.
Gone are the days when most people held back until marriage, and with the advent of free internet porn and social media there's a chance that our teens may know more about sex than we do.
So what should we be saying to them, how do we keep them safe, and how can we help them to know when they're ready for that next adventure in life?
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I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
It's pre-exam time of year again, and oh boy it's tough for our teens.
Does yours have a colour-coded revision schedule, carefully-timed breaks, and a confident spring in their step? Maybe they don't seem to be doing enough revision, and you're the one panicking? Or are they losing their sh## with everyone in the house and struggling to stay on top of it?
Both of us have teens currently revising for important exams, so we thought it might be helpful to chat about how we support them. We talk about the top tips from Jade Bowler, who went from a U in Chemistry to an A*, and how important it is for us to help our teens keep their perspective.
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I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
Everything seems better when we've had enough sleep; our mood is more stable, our response times are faster, we can control our impulses more easily, and perform tasks more effectively. For teenagers, who are growing rapidly and whose brains are going through a massive rewiring, that need for sleep is arguably even greater. But how many of us are certain that our teens are getting enough sleep?
Can we be sure that their moodiness, lack of attention, impulsiveness or poor grades are really a result of teenage hormones? Could they be caused by a chronic sleep deficit? In this episode we look at how much sleep our teens should be getting, how we can support them in reaching that goal, and the one tip for helping them to shift their sleep window.
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I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
We all know that teenagers need their friends, and spending time with others protects against anxiety and all sorts of other mental health problems. At the same time, groups of teens are far more likely to take risks and behave in a delinquent manner, which is what one of our listeners has discovered. Aged 13, her son has already started doing things with his friends that have got him into trouble with the police, so she's come to us for help.
In this episode we talk about long-term trends in teenage delinquency, what we know about the teenage brain, and the one key thing she can do to keep him from messing up badly whilst he's at this vulnerable age.
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I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
Just when you thought that you’d got the hang of parenting, your child changes again... and now they're a teenager.
In this episode, we have a rummage in your parenting toolbox to work out what’s in there, and how useful it actually is.
And in Tangling with your Teenager, we gather all of your suggestions to answer Natalie’s question. ‘How do I get my son to do what I say, and tidy his room?’
Answers range from taking the door off to pretending there are mice in the room.
Do you have any tips, or any great stories that will teach us what not to do?
We'd love to hear from you, including any questions you'd like answered?
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I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
An interview with Natasha Devon MBE: We parents often struggle with our fears about how to protect our teens when they're online. So when I received Natasha’s book written for teenagers, 'Clicks; How to be Your Best Self Online', I read it cover to cover.
It's a great book to give your teens to help them navigate their online world in a way that's genuinely positive, because it covers things like avoiding tech addiction, swerving fake news, who to follow, online safety, and how to put your best self forward online.
What I thought might be particularly useful for us parents was the Tips and Tricks section at the back. I'm going to use each heading to bring up discussions at the dinner table so that we can have informed conversations about the issues involved.
Book: Clicks: How to be Your Best Self Online by Natasha Devon MBE www.natashadevon.com
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I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message.
I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
We all loose our cool sometimes. but teenagers can find it particularly challenging to stay calm or calm down when enraged. It takes self-awareness and skill, and a level of brain development that just isn't there for some of them.
One listener contacted us for help with her son who is being goaded by friends at school and getting into trouble for losing his temper. We talk about the brain development stage that makes this so prevalent in teens, and discuss top tips for how she can support him in managing his emotions.
Yale Medicine. (n.d.). Anger, Irritability and Aggression in Kids. [online] Available at: https://www.yalemedicine.org/conditions/anger-issues-in-children-and-teens#:~:text=For%20children%2C%20anger%20issues%20often.
Myler, C. (2020). Understanding teen boys’ anger. [online] Maggie Dent. Available at: https://www.maggiedent.com/blog/understanding-teen-boys-anger/.
Russell, D.L. (2023). Anger Management Techniques for Teenagers: A Parent Guide. [online] They Are The Future. Available at: https://www.theyarethefuture.co.uk/anger-management-techniques-for-teenagers/ [Accessed 12 Jun. 2023]
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I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
What's better than falling in love again, particularly after a divorce or breakdown of a previous relationship? If you've managed to find someone special in the messy tangle of life as a parent it can feel like a miracle, but your teen may not be anywhere near as enthusiastic about you moving on.
When Jamie asked us for help with how she can introduce her new partner to her teen we knew it was a great one for us to discuss. In this episode we talk about when to do it, how, and suggest ways to ensure your teenager sees it as a positive, rather than something that might ruin their life.
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I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
The term toxic masculinity has been gaining traction, and is often used to talk about the type of masculinity where men use dominance, violence and control to gain power and superiority over others. There's also been an increase in efforts to educate boys in how to talk more about their feelings. But with the rise of Incels, Andrew Tate, free porn, and pick up artists, you could be forgiven for wondering whether we're really making progress at all.
So I contacted Mike Nicholson, Director of a programme called Progressive Masculinity. He goes into schools to talk to boys about masculinity. My key aim was to ask him more about how we as parents can better support our boys to develop a healthy style of masculinity.
Mike Nicholson: www.progressivemasculinity.co.uk Other useful episodes on this topic: Andrew Tate and the mansophere: 33 Pornography: 13 Teen male friendships and the 'man box': 16
Great role model: LeBron James - American basketball player, father and philanthropist. Mark Lewis: https://www.marklewis.co.uk/ Novak Djokovic https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=867mtHTsaDo
Role models suggested by Mike: https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/blog/progressive-masculinity-and-great-models-for-our-boys/
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I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
Boys and men who display a muscular physique that's 'ripped', or 'cut' get more likes and shares than other accounts on social media, so the algorithms behind the platforms are feeding a strong trend in muscle building amongst teen boys. But who ends up feeding the ravenously hungry, and is it all healthy?
Louise has asked us for help with how to manage feeding her growing lad. Her son – who’s 17 - goes to the gym to muscle-build five days a week and then expects her to provide him with the foods that go with his lifestyle. With the current financial climate, she says can’t afford to provide him with all the food to match his gym needs. She expects him to ask if he wants to take food because some of it is earmarked for an evening meal or baking. Sometimes he asks, sometimes he just helps himself. She says they’re continually falling out over this and she'd like some tips on how to deal with it.
The term Bigorexia was raised during my interview with Mike Nicholson from Progressive Masculinity. It's used to describe a particular form of body dysmorphia and controlled eating that's hard to spot, because the people suffering look outwardly super-healthy. It's a growing issue, and little understood, so we decided to use this episode to talk about both problems and give you some ideas for how to tackle them.
RESOURCES: Do you have body dysmorphic disorder? Check here: https://bddfoundation.org/information/do-i-have-bdd-test/
More Muscles, More “Likes”: The Rise of Bigorexia and How Social Media is Fueling Unhealthy Body Image Among Young Men in Behavioral Health, Clinical, Mental Health EHR,
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I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
Snapchat has become a must-have for most teens, because it's now the way they stay in touch with their friends. The filters make it fun, they can see where their friends are on Snapmaps, and the instant photos give them a quick and easy contact point.
But one of our listeners has contacted us asking for help with it. She says her teen son was already struggling to control himself when it comes to screens so she's delayed allowing him to have Snapchat, but caved because all of his friends are using it.
Now, she says, he is always on a device and easily finds ways around the controls they have been trying to put in place; primarily to access Snapchat.
Our previous episode on Screens and Teens covers the ways in which you can tackle it. It's not the amount of screen time we should worry most about, it's what they are doing with their screens.
BOOKS: Stolen Focus by Johann Hari Clicks: How to be your best self online by Natasha Devon
RESCOURCES USED: Legal filing IN THE UNITED STATES DISTRICT COURT FOR THE NORTHERN DISTRICT OF CALIFORNIA https://digitalcommons.law.scu.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=3760&context=historical https://www.bloomberg.com/news/articles/2023-04-18/s
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I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
In this interview with Danielle Winton of Memory Strategy we talked about:
* Why we should care about memory stategies. * Key things parents can do to support their teens. * How to link a number to music. * Everyone can polish up their memory. * Using your body as a memory palace. * How to help yourself with memorizing names. * Using blurting to check what you remember. * Mind-mapping and memory. * Why to get students to be more creative about learning.
For more about parenting teenagers listen to our podcast Teenagers Untangled, or go to the website www.teenagersuntangled.com
For more on improving your memory, and the work of Danielle Winton, go to www.memorystrategy.com
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I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
The transition from junior to senior school can be thrilling; the chance to meet a much bigger group of kids, and gain more of the independence that's part of growing up. But change is always stressful, and when you combine a big shake up of friend groups with puberty, having to navigate your way around a larger school campus, and the immense pressure of having to study for endless exams, it's not surprising that the first year can feel very tricky.
As one parent said, 'If your kid can get through that first year of senior school without wanting to stay home, or leave the school, then you're winning.'
So what can we parents do to really help with the transition? OTHER EPISODES: TALKING WITH YOUR TEEN: https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/parenting-tips-3-techniques-for-talking-with-your-teenager-and-teenagers-having-sex-in-your-home/ SCREEN TIME MANAGEMENT: https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/parenting-tips-9-how-to-help-your-teens-manage-their-screen-time-and-talking-to-them-about-healthy-eating-without-giving-them-an-eating-disorder/ FRIENDSHIP GROUPS: https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/parenting-tips-10-helping-your-teen-navigate-friendship-groups-particularly-girls-and-how-to-get-your-teen-to-keep-going-instead-of-giving-up-at-the-first-hurdle/
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I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
A holiday is when someone is free to do what they want, such as travel or relax. That's according to the Cambridge Dictionary.
The problem with teenagers, is that what they want to do for several weeks over summer - such as sleep or use their electronic devices all day - may not fit with what we think they should be doing.
Also, having them around, doing what they want, may not be very relaxing for others who're also on holiday, or trying to work.
So how do we survive the school holidays in a way that leaves us, and our relationships, unscathed?
Top tip: lower your expectations of yourself and them for at least the first two weeks, and avoid comparisons with other families.
1:26 Review: a safe haven 2:25 Review of Bigorexia episode 2:51 Hope for parents of kids who fight 4:31 Coaching resilience 6:43 Holidays with teens
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I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
Parenting tweens and teens is challenging enough, but when someone in the family becomes seriously ill or dies, it can feel overwhelmingly difficult. In all honesty, we Westerners are terrible at talking about death, often avoiding it, so when it comes to talking with teenagers about the subject most of us don't feel equipped.
Many who have suffered a loss, or are suffering a serious illness will tell you that friends often fall away just at the time when they are most valued, because they're embarrassed or uncomfortable about the situation.
In this episode we draw on research, personal experience - and some incredible listener feedback - to discuss how to deal with a serious illness or death when you're raising a teen. We pass on some amazing tips that have made all the difference, and also some awful 'what not to do's'.
The episode is dedicated to the wonderful mum, Sophie Baker and her loving husband and boys, who are doing an amazing job in very difficult circumstances.
BOOKS: When Breath Becomes Air by Paul Kalanithi The Bright Hour by Nina Riggs You Can Stop Humming Now by Daniela Lamas Being Mortal by Atul Gawande Smoke gets in your Eyes by Caitlin Doughty The Choice by Edith Eger PODCAST: https://audioboom.com/posts/6858679-talking-to-young-people-about-death-and-dying
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I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
I'd never heard of a Gap Year until I took one, but it was life-changing; in a good way.
Whether your teen is starting out at senior school, or about to hit a transition year, it's worth talking with them about whether taking a gap in their education or work life is a good thing, because the earlier and more they think about what they might like to achieve the more they might get out of it.
In this episode we discuss:
When is the best time to take a gap year?
The benefits and the drawbacks.
How to structure and plan a gap year.
Transitioning back to home and school after you've been away.
Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message.
I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
For most of our episodes I research a topic and discuss it with Susie. We covered anxiety some time ago in that format, and it's continued to be one of our most popular downloads. So, when I was given the opportunity to interview a specialist in the area, I jumped at the chance. In this interview, Renee Mill talks about the model she uses to treat patients, called the Ebb Flow model. #
We also covered:
How important it is to avoid labelling ourselves and how just talking about anxiety, and understanding why you have it, won't necessarily fix it.
How important it is to treat symptoms of anxiety as soon as possible, to unwire the track of thinking before it becomes entrenched.
How our belief about an event will be one of the key reasons why we react the way we do.
How to prepare our kids for their transition to a new school, and why it's so important to calm our own nerves about it and tune into the individual child and what they might need.
How 'collaborative parenting', being a calm container, can really help our teens.
How important it is to be clear about our values and beliefs with our teens.
How important it is to be authentic with our kids.
How choose to do things that aren't really important to us, but are things others are doing, set us up for failure.
How articulating feelings can be very challenging for teens, and having a 'feelings' vocabulary can really support them.
I loved Renee's point about having a list of emotions, and found this worksheet that we parents can use to try and identify our feelings, and those of our teens. https://www.therapistaid.com/worksheets/list-of-emotions
You can find our previous discussion about anxiety here: https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/parenting-tips-14-how-to-help-your-teen-with-anxiety-and-how-to-set-rules-that-your-teens-will-follow/
Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message.
I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
Everybody knows intelligence is important, but until the 90's we relied on the testing of IQ to measure it. The problem was that IQ didn't really predict success. When the term emotional intelligence began being used it became clear that it may well provide the missing link for understanding what makes some people more successful than others.
A teenager with a higher EQ will be better at communicating with others, and that helps them to resolve conflicts, understand where other people are coming from and support them. All of this helps them to manage their own emotions and overcome life's challenges.
The REALLY good news is that, unlike IQ, it isn't fixed; we can grow our EQ, and we can help our teens to develop theirs too.
So, when Betty asked us to take a look at how she can do that for her twins we decided it was a great topic to discuss.
EMPATHY VS SYMPATHY: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Evwgu369Jw
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I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
Deciding to split can be an incredibly challenging time for any married couple, but knowing the impact it can have on our kids can make it even harder to navigate the complex untangling of a life together.
We were asked by one listener to talk about it, because she has a family member who's planning to divorce once their teen has finished their main exams, but keeping it quiet in the meantime. It's a tricky question; do we stay together for the kids, when do we tell them, and how?
In this episode we talk about a news article that claims teenagers are the ultimate marriage wrecker, the impact on teens who live with parents in an unhappy marriage, and whether they are better or worse off than those in a single parent family.
We talk about the best way to tell your teen you are splitting, an innovative way of dealing with it called nesting, which allows the kids to stay at home whilst the parents move in and out, and the new apps that can ease the burden of communication.
Whatever path you choose, one of the best bits of advice I always give divorcing couples, is to try and choose a legal service that's trained in reconciliation to reduce the fighting, and cost, of going through such a difficult process.
THINGS THAT MIGHT HELP: A few apps; but there are many out there:
https://supportpay.com/
https://www.cozi.com/
https://www.custodyxchange.com/
https://www.onwardapp.com/
www.separatespace.co.uk Legal and mental health professionals who specialize in divorce. www.restoredlives.org online courses for people going through break-ups
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I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
Stacy messaged to tell us that her son had come home with a hickey for a second time, and she wasn't sure whether her reaction was the right one. My goodness, parenting can be hard.
Remember when you had your very first date? The butterflies, the nervous laughter, and the constant fear of saying the wrong thing? Now imagine your teen going through the same rollercoaster of emotions.
In our latest podcast, we take a look at the words being used for dating, what teens are getting out of it; which is a lot of personal growth, excitement, and status.
Don't miss the top tips on how to be the best parent possible to a teen who's started dating.
Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message.
I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
Nobody would argue against the benefits of exercise, but there are lots of school kids who dread physical education lessons, and dodge exercise whenever it's raised.
When Nicola contacted us asking for advice on how to get her 12 year old daughter to do more exercise we thought it was a perfect topic for us to discuss.
It turns out that lack of exercise in teens is a worldwide problem, most pronounced in South Korea, and that teen girls significantly trail boys in doing the recommended amounts of exercise in almost every country around the world.
‘Globally, during adolescence, ‘girls’ worlds shrink, while boys’ expand’. One study finds that the map of 14-yo girls’ day-to-day movements is 2/5 the size of that of their 11-yo selves, and only 1/3 the size of 14-yo male peers’ movements. In Texas, teenage girls do 65% less physical activity than boys. Girls drop out of sport clubs in adolescence at far higher rates than boys. This sets a trend for life.’ Dr Rachel Hewitt author of In Her Nature
We talk about what it feels like to come from a family that doesn't exercise, some of the big barriers to it such as lack of facilities, space, shame, and public perception of who should be exercising.
Hopefully this will help us, as parents, to focus on ways in which we can support our teens to get more active. It will definitely benefit them and, if we lead by example, the benefit will be for the entire family.
BOOKS: Bounce: Matthew Syed
TIPS: https://www.parkrun.org.uk/ App my daughter loves: Couch to 5k runner (yellow) by Fitness22 www.boostfit.com
Parenting teenagers and media literacy. (0:02)
News consumption, physical activity levels in teens. (3:33)
Children's fitness and the importance of basic strength. (11:18)
UK school policies and gender equality in sports. (16:04)
Motivating kids to exercise and the impact of parental influence. (20:36)
Promoting physical activity and exercise for families. (24:31)
Promoting physical activity for teenagers. (28:49)
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I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
The pandemic saw thousands of children moving online to learn, socialise, and play. Unfortunately, internet predators have followed them there, using highly sophisticated tactics to reach children and coerce them into sexual activities.
We were recently contacted by our listener therapist, Frances, who says that she's been dealing with cases of grooming online and thinks it's vital that we discuss the topic.
She's right to highlight it. I've been contacted by parents who have confided in me that their teen has fallen victim; both boys and girls.
The disturbing nature of their activity has been exposed by Internet Watch Foundation analysts whose job it is to track down and view some of the very worst child sexual abuse material on the internet so it can be removed and blocked. They've seen a massive increase in abuse since lockdown.
The one thing I've learned from all of the research I've been doing is that we are pretty much the only gatekeepers online; the apps constantly duck responsibility. The key watershed is 13, because the internet companies aren't allowed to collect data on people below that age. But that's still incredibly young for most kids to be accessing the sort of things that are online, and often they lie about their age to get apps they aren't legally allowed.
Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message.
I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
In most episodes Rachel uses her journalistic background to trawl through studies and find out what a range of experts think about a topic. Susie brings her wealth of knowledge and experience of mindfulness and parenting to the microphone. Together, the two of us talk about the reality of parenting.
We're going to continue with that, but thought it might be nice to broaden the format to talk about current affairs topics, and how they affect us and our listeners.
In this episode we chat about the latest in teen slang; which can be hilarious. We also discuss the banning of mobile phones in schools, why it's happening, why it hasn't happened before, and what the benefits and issues are that surround it.
Also, we talk about exams. With the shift towards AI, is our education system really offering our teens what they need to equip themselves for being an adult? Are the subjects we study, and the way in which they are studied, still fit for purpose? Given that we can't get rid of AI, should we be incorporating it into the school curriculum?
We don't promise answers, but we're very keen to think about it, because these issues directly affect our teens.
We really enjoyed making this episode. What do you think? Shall we do it more regularly, or do prefer the research episodes? Would you like to hear more interviews? We're here for you (and to learn for our own sakes.)
CHAPTERS: 2:01 Teen lingo 7:10 Reviews 9:07 The things that trigger us are an opportunity to know ourselves better. 12:32 Getting stuck in an emotional spiral. 15:57 Mobile phone ban in schools
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I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
Susie is available for a free 15 minute consultation, and has a great blog: www.amindful-life.co.uk
25 Oct 2023
61: ‘Trans’ and gender confusion: what to say to teens when we’re often more confused than they are. An interview with expert psychotherapist Stella O'Malley.
The words non-binary, queer, trans, are regularly used in social media and the news nowadays. Many teens are far more educated on their significance than us parents; in fact many of us would be completely unprepared over how to support a child that announces they're trans.
In some countries, and communities, anything that veers from heterosexual is still punished. In many first world countries there has been a large shift towards acceptance and understanding of people who don't fit into societal norms.
School environments are being adapted to provide accommodations. For some, this seems like an obvious progression, and rooted in kindness and care. For others this can feel very challenging, even offensive if it impinges on other rights.
Even if our own children aren't affected, they are living in a world were things have changed dramatically from when we were teenagers, so I decided we'd all benefit from listening to someone with extensive experience, and refreshing perspectives on gender.
Stella O'Malley's a psychotherapist, writer, public speaker and parent, with many years’ experience working as a mental health professional. She's also the founder of Genspect, an international alliance of professionals, trans people, de-transitioners, parent groups and others who seek high-quality care for gender-related distress.
https://www.stellaomalley.com/
Her podcast is called Gender: A Wider Lens, and her co-authored book is called When Kids Say They're Trans.
You can find out more about her at our website www.teenagersuntangled.com
Thanks for listening. Please hit the follow button if you like our podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message.
Our website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact us: www.teenagersuntangled.com
Susie is available for a free 15 minute consultation, and has a great blog: www.amindful-life.co.uk
Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message.
I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
In an era where house prices have gone up, wages have stagnated, and young people are staying in the family home for longer, how do we manage the transition to adulthood whilst our young are still living at home?
One of the big debates for parents is whether teens and young adults should pay rent. So when one of our listeners asked us to talk about it, we thought it would be a great topic for our club.
It’s definitely one to think about well beforehand, because your attitude to it will become an important subliminal message to your teen.
For some, seeing your child move out, or start to pay rent is a critical stage in growing up. For others, the idea of charging your teenager - or any member of your family - rent is an absolute no-go.
In fact the age at which our kids leave home varies wildly in different cultures; even within the same continent. Across Europe the average age of leaving home is 26, but in Sweden and Denmark it's closer to 21 and in Croatia and Malta it's nearly 32.
We discuss the concept of being a teenager, how different cultures think about the topic, and the pros and cons of charging rent.
Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message.
I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
Has your kid seen porn? Research says 1 in 3 kids have seen explicit, hardcore porn by the age of 12, many by accident.
Whether or not your tween or teen has seen it the fact that hardcore porn is widely available, free, and easily accessed from any device with an internet connection will be having an impact on the whole culture they are growing up in.
We want our teens to feel that it's normal and natural to be interested in sex, and want to explore what's out there, but talking about it the modern issues can be a minefield. Whilst we're openly trying to teach our kids about consent, and educate our boys to be respectful of women, what they might be accessing online is the opposite. Much of it is degrading, and objectifying, and normalises potentially dangerous and harmful sexual behaviour.
A lot of parents I have spoken with don't know how to have those conversations, so I contacted Dr Mandy Sanchez, from Culture Reframed, an organisation that provides free education resources and worksheets for parents. In this episode she talks about how, and when, to talk about porn with your kid.
Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message.
I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
We all want the best for our kids, but there's a tricky balancing act between giving them the freedom to make the mistakes that build resiliency, and stepping in to protect and guide them.
There's been a modern shift towards close management of our kids, and a constant eye on academic grades. But it's worth considering how to ensure our desire to support them doesn't end up having unintended consequences; stripping them of their ambition, self advocacy, and desire to tackle things in life that are hard.
It's also worth considering how we parents will feel when that all-encompassing role begins to fade and they need to live life independent of us.
This episode takes a look at some of the modern styles of parenting, including the benefits and the problems in terms of turning out rounded adults. We also look at steps we can take to increase agency in our older teens in a way that will ease them into adulthood.
If you're committed enough to listen to the very end you'll also hear our blooper.
RESOURCES USED: Operation Varsity Blues on Netflix https://www.parents.com/parenting/better-parenting/what-is-helicopter-parenting/ https://www.verywellfamily.com/helicopter-parents-do-they-help-or-hurt-kids-1095041 https://www.mongooseresearch.com/blog/bulldozer-parents#:~:text=What's%20a%20bulldozer%20parent%3F,their%20child%20may%20come%20across. https://parentology.com/what-is-bulldozer-parenting/ https://www.businessinsider.com/helicopter-how-bulldozer-parents-harm-their-children-2023-6?r=US&IR=T
Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message.
I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
Susie is available for a free 15 minute consultation, and has a great blog: www.amindful-life.co.uk
29 Nov 2023
66: Eating disorders: An interview with Beat representative Umairah Malik. What we parents need to know, including warning signs, where to go for help, and practical things we can do or say that might make a difference.
One in eight UK teenagers now suffers from an eating disorder, according to the latest figures from the UK's National Health Service. That's a shocking fifteen-fold increase since before Covid.
These disorders are notoriously sneaky; parents I've spoken to say they creep up on us and it can take a long time to realise what's going on.
It's even worse if we focus in on seventeen to nineteen year olds where one in twenty boys and one in five girls has an eating disorder.
In this episode Rachel talks Umairah Malek, the Clinical Coordinator at the UK charity, Beat. She explains what an eating disorder is, what to look out for, and gives some great tips for how to support your loved one through to recovery.
Resources: The EAT-26 is a self-help test that takes just minutes to complete. [1] Mental Health America has a different version with fewer questions. [2]
Neither test can diagnose an eating disorder, but they can help you understand if your symptom severity is improving. So taking them, and tracking your scores, could be helpful.
Books: www.beateatingdisorders.org.uk/get-information-and-support/about-eating-disorders/downloads-resources/helpful-books/ Hadley Freeman, Good Girls: A story and study of anorexia.
Netflix: Everything Now - After months in recovery for an eating disorder, 16-year-old Mia devises a bucket list of quintessential teen experiences to make up for lost time.
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I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
It's our two year anniversary, and what a ride it's been! Since we're taking a break to spend time with our families, we thought it would be the perfect time to reflect on what we think are the best things we've learned over the years, and signpost which episodes you might want to listen to again.
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I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
We've all done it; new year, new me. By January the 11th the lustre has rubbed off our shiny resolutions and we're back to our old habits.
The reality is that making resolutions and getting them to stick is harder than we'd like it to be. So how do we make changes in our parenting and our family in a way that will continue to work after the fireworks and fun?
In this podcast:
We talk about uncovering the intention behind the resolution. How to unpack those big problems to find a smaller goal to guide you. How to use small habits in your day to make those big changes more easy. And how using positivity can keep us going.
Some ideas:
Ask your teen what key change they would like to see and don't react badly to the answer
Find one on one time with each child
Don't text and drive
Create a tech contract
Create a chores contract
Yell less
Listen more
Sort out sleep routines
End your work day
Find space for you
Don't judge out loud
Let your teen cook once a week
Don't judge people out loud
Let your teen make their mistakes so they learn from them
Demonstrate the behaviour you want to see
Practice gratitude
Build a parent tribe of others who're in a similar situation
Make time for your partner
Get outside more
Sit down to family meals more often
Find games or activities you can all enjoy together
Resources: Small Move Big Change by Caroline Arnold. https://beenke.com/parenting/parenting-resolutions-you-can-actually-keep/ https://www.sheknows.com/parenting/articles/980167/new-years-resolutions-for-parents-of-teens/ https://www.rootsofaction.com/resolutions-that-can-change-your-teens-life/ https://hms.harvard.edu/news/uncontrollable-anger-prevalent-among-youth
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I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
Christmas is marketed as a time of magic and joy, but when it comes to your teenagers does it feel more like a time of pressure to deliver expensive gifts - and disappointment?
One of our regular listeners has asked us to research and discuss how to better deal with a teenager's lack of gratitude when things don't live up to their expectations, and our feeling that they don't appreciate what's been done for them.
Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message.
I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
We're back with the first fresh episode of 2024. What a good time to talk about some of the things we've been reading, listening to, and watching, along with some news stories.
Let us know what you think. We're always interested in any feedback; positive or negative, and we'd love to hear from you if you have any great recommendations. teenagersuntangled@gmail.com
Podcasts recommended:
Mel Robbins
Unpublished
Good Bad Billionaire
Everything Is Fine
Search Engine: Why can't we just turn the empty offices into apartments?
TV:
Hunger Games
Netflix - Watch World War II: From the Frontlines
Book:
Do Hard Things: A teenage rebellion against low expectations by Alex and Brett Harris.
Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message.
I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
When the other parent is inconsistent, or never turns up for your kid, it can be incredibly challenging for both of you. It's hard enough as it is, but can be even more challenging when they are abusing a substance, such as alcohol or drugs.
When a listener told us about the difficulty she has parenting a teen son whose absent dad is an alcoholic we thought it was an important subject, and one worthy of discussion.
So how do we support a tween or teen in this position? What do we say to them? How do we help them with the feelings they might be having?
The National Association for Children of Alcoholics suggests using this mantra:
I didn’t cause it
I can’t cure it
I can’t control it
I can care for myself by communicating my feelings, making healthy choices, and by celebrating myself.
Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message.
I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
My teen daughter has told me that the fact I am open about my own failings, and quick to apologise, makes it much easier to trust me and to feel safe admitting when she's gone wrong.
It's so easy to look back and see our mistakes, or where we might have done things better, but it’s hard to admit to them and forgive ourselves. The truth is, it's incredibly difficult to get it right in the moment.
As we discuss in this episode, when it comes to the sliding doors versions of life we can never really know whether a different path would have turned out better. All we can do is to try our best with what we have right now.
We've made this episode to help you feel less alone and hopefully some good tips too.
Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message.
I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
We've all got a past, but telling our kids about what happened in it is a tricky subject. Whether it's all about the fun - sex and drugs and rock and roll - or things that caused deep trauma, there's a good chance that our teens will start asking questions at any point.
Sometimes they're genuinely curious they want to connect, and get to know what makes the human that's one of the most important people in their life. Other questions are just an attempt at getting a free pass to do things that they might otherwise be held back from.
Opening up, and being honest with them, can help them in the process of growing up. It will help them to understand why you operate the way you do, and create a deeper connection with you. If we are too open with our kids we risk flipping the table and turning them into our own therapists or parents.
In this episode we delve into the issues involved, and talk about how we parents can tread that difficult line with our kids.
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I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
Diets, and an obsession with weight, are so much a part of Western culture that it's hardly surprising our teens can struggle to understand how to eat well.
When I researched the topic for episode 9, I discovered that many experts are using mindful - or intuitive - eating to treat patients who develop disordered eating patterns. Indeed, the Intuitive Eating Workbook, which is now in its fourth edition, is recommended on the website of the UK's premier eating disorder charity Beat.
I reached out to Elyse Resch who is co-author of that book, because she has a long list of academic and industry accreditations, and decades of experience in dealing with eating issues. Even better, she's created The Intuitive Eating Workbook for Teens to help our kids at one of this vulnerable stage.
I’m delighted that she agreed to help us unpick how we are talking with our teens about this tricky subject.
THE TEN PRINCIPLES OF INTUITIVE EATING: https://www.intuitiveeating.org/10-principles-of-intuitive-eating/
• Reject the Diet Mentality. Throw out the diet books and magazine articles that offer you the false hope of losing weight quickly, easily, and permanently • Honour Your Hunger. Keep your body biologically fed with adequate energy and carbohydrates. Otherwise you can trigger a primal drive to overeat • Make Peace with Food. If you tell yourself that you can’t or shouldn’t have a particular food, it can lead to intense feelings of deprivation that build into uncontrollable cravings and, often, bingeing. • Challenge the Food Police. Scream a loud no to thoughts in your head that declare you’re “good” for eating minimal calories or “bad” because you ate a piece of chocolate cake. • Discover the Satisfaction Factor. When you eat what you really want, in an environment that is inviting, the pleasure you derive will be a powerful force in helping you feel satisfied and content. • Feel Your Fullness. Pause in the middle of eating and ask yourself how the food tastes, and what your current hunger level is. • Cope with Your Emotions. Food won’t fix any of these feelings. It may comfort for the short term, distract from the pain, or even numb you. But food won’t solve the problem. • Respect Your Body. Accept your genetic blueprint. Just as a person with a shoe size of eight would not expect to realistically squeeze into a siz
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I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
They're everywhere. Tabloid news feeds and social media are awash with photos of girls and women in bikinis, and why not? Women's bodies are beautiful and through antiquity the female form has been admired.
Yet many parents are deeply uncomfortable with the type of photos being posted, the age of the girls when they do it, and what it all means about them.
When Sharon asked us to talk about what's going on, and how she can help her daughter think more about her own values, and what she is posting, we knew it was a great topic for us.
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I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
One of the trickiest questions for parents is how to set expectations that help our kids thrive and grow without crushing them or making them feel low self-esteem or shame.
If we don't set expectations we run the risk of making our kids feel like nothing they do really matters, so they can feel overlooked and apathetic about life, but we've all heard about parents who damage their kids through unreasonable demands. Our expectations are born out of our own ideas of what matters, so how do we know that we're not pushing toxic ideas on to our kids?
In this episode we talk about how today's society has come expect very little of our teens, whilst seemingly piling on pressure and expecting too much. We talk about how critical the growth mind set is, the stages we go through in learning a skill, and how we parents can support out teens to grow a wide range of important skills without damaging their self-esteem in the process.
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I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
Many teens roll their eyes if they hear people talking about manners. The concept sounds old fashioned - like something that should be relegated to the Victorian past - but often what they're thinking about is etiquette rather than manners.
I went into the differences, and nuances, of manners in part two of this previous episode: https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/parenting-tips-23-coping-with-an-empty-nest-and-manners-what-they-are-and-why-do-they-matter/
For this episode I've been joined by Brooke Romney, the author of 52 Modern Manners for Teens, about the vital role manners have in setting up our teens for success.
I mentioned a few previous episodes in the podcast. What do you think about manners? Do you have any particular ones that really matter to you. Supporting your teen with meeting people and making friends: https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/parenting-tips-26-friendships-how-to-support-your-teens-social-skills-in-making-and-keeping-friends/
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I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
Sometimes it's good to talk about our own challenges. The occasional chat in which we discuss the sorts of things we've been facing can help to dispel any myths that other people have got things sorted, and can also give you ideas of how to reframe your own battles.
In this episode we cover how important it is to keep reminding ourselves to not take things personally. We talk about a teen who has battled through numerous issues and come out looking like a swan. The key message is that we want our teens realise that it takes time to get there. She didn't pop out fully-formed, but the battles she's faced have made her far more powerful - and dare I say happier.
We talk about how uncomfortable it can feel for us parents when our teen starts falling in love. We've covered the gritty 'teens having sex in our home', but this is more about the feelings we can experience as our child becomes romantically entangled.
The final reflection covers how difficult and challenging it can feel to be presented with new facts which require us to change our mind about something we believe to be true.
Let us know what you think; we always love feedback and any suggestions for new episodes.
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I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
The hashtag #eldestdaughtersyndrome is reported to have had a whopping 24.7 million views on TikTok, and counting, but what is it and why is it getting so much attention?
We look at the issues faced by the eldest sibling in the family, then talk more specifically about why daughters can feel resentful of the role that's foisted on them. It's easily done by us parents, particularly if we live in a patriarchal society.
The expectation that they will do more of the emotional and domestic heavy-lifting in the family than the other siblings can teach them great life-skills, even make them successful in the workplace, but it can also make them resentful at missing out on the benefits of childhood.
In this episode we talk about how we spot it and what can we do to rebalance what might be happening in our family.
THE EXCELLENT BOOK I MENTIONED:
The Thorn Birds by Colleen McCullough
USEFUL ARTICLES FROM HOME GIRLS UNITE ON INSTAGRAM:
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I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
Does a goldfish have a longer attention span than us humans - as a Microsoft study found - or do we believe the latest study on concentration which says adults have actually increased in their ability to pay attention since the 1990's?
The latest study made us wonder about what's really going on, because we all know that gamers have phenomenal powers of concentration, but the rest of us feel we're struggling with attention.
Perhaps our real problem is a lack of focus caused by too many choices for what we could be doing.
In this episode, we talk about the two studies, other studies relating to the problems associated with too much choice, the impact of sleep-deprivation, and positive ways in which we can help ourselves to get things done in our daily lives.
TED talk: The gratification monkey - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=arj7oStGLkU
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I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
Grit is the ability to keep going toward a goal, even in spite of significant obstacles and distractions. It's a very apt name for the charity created by Dr Louise Randall, who was seeing many kids coming into her doctor's surgery needing help with difficult problems - such as self harm, eating disorders, and other mental health issues - and very little help available.
In this interview we talk about how she uses boxing to teach resilience to help teens connect with their place in life and their own bodies, in a meaningful and healing way .
One thing I love about this interview is that Louise gave us parents some of her top tips. Although she was reluctant, I pointed out that this podcast is all about helping parents to realise that we don't need to be experts to be good parents. We can all offer tips and support to each other because we all gets things wrong but we also learn things that might help others. Removing the judgement is critical to allowing us all to grow and do better.
A great acronym to remind us not to talk with our teens about something that's been bothering us if we are: HALT
Hungry
Angry
Late
Tired
The beautiful letter recommended by Louise: https://gretchenschmelzer.com/parents-corner/2015/6/23/the-letter-your-teenager-cant-write-you?format=amp
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I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
Many teenagers say their relationship with their parents is very stressful and they yearn to be able to get along better. They often feel that their parents are on their case all of the time and that they never talk about anything interesting or light-hearted.
Conflict is an inescapable part of parenting, but it doesn't need to be the only part. As parents, we can make such a difference by setting a more light-hearted tone. It's one of the best ways to build the bond in our relationship, which then makes it easier to deal with the more difficult parts of life.
Rachel asked listeners to share the ways in which they enjoy spending time with their teens and in today's episode we also share our own experiences of keeping it light and happy.
Hopefully, it will give us all faith that parenting teens can be enjoyable, and some ideas of ways in which we can keep our bond strong.
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I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
Nobody likes making mistakes, but some of us find it much harder than others. Whilst most of us look on with admiration at the kid who's prepared to keep working until they do things perfectly, underlying that drive can be a painful belief that they're never going to be good enough. The knock-on effect can be a lifetime of anguish and all sorts of issues with starting and finishing projects.
So when our listener asked us to talk about how to help her daughter who's showing signs of being a perfectionist, we bumped it up our schedule.
In essence, we parents need to strive to avoid black and white thinking and find the middle path; a growth mindset that welcomes mistakes as an opportunity to learn, and the resilience to use those mistakes to try again.
Some signs:
Frequent catastrophic reactions
Refusal to try new things
Being very self-critical and self-conscious
BOOKS:
The Perfectionism Workbook for Teens by Anne Marie Dobosz
Perfectionism: What's Bad about Being Too Good? by Miriam Adderholdt-Elliott, Miriam Elliott, & Jan Goldberg (Monarch Books)
When Perfect Isn't Good Enough: Strategies for Coping with Perfectionism by Martin M. Antony & Richard P. Swinson (New Harbinger Publications)
When Good Enough Isn't Good Enough: The Real Deal on Perfectionism by Thomas S., Ph.D. Greenspon (Free Spirit Publishing)
A lot of the research for this episode was drawn from an article by Amy Morin, the speaker who made 'The secret to becoming mentally strong. '
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I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
What we give our kids to spend, and when, is a perennial problem for all parents. Money is a really tricky topic in any relationship; behind it lurks power, responsibility, and freedom.
When our kids hit their tween and teen years their needs and desires begin to rise rapidly, so how we enable them to get those things will have a lot to do with how we feel about handing them money, and what we say to them about it.
Early on, I decided that I would use money during the teens years to begin the handover of responsibility in an attempt to teach my teens the value of budgeting and managing their own finances.
This episode is an opportunity to hear how my system works and - two years on from when I first talked about it - to hear one of my teenagers discuss what the system has done for her and her sister.
It's not perfect, nothing ever is, but hopefully listening to someone else's experience can help us all think through the best way to set up our own system that works for us.
Let us know what you think teenagersuntangled@gmail.com
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I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
My aunt and uncle provide a huge amount of free childcare so that their son and daughter-in-law can work, but many say that's not been their experience. The Boomers have become notorious as a generation who are known to have reaped the rewards of the post-war boom but who appear to be more interested in travelling and enjoying themselves than supporting the next generation in their child-rearing struggles.
Having a living parent who's 65 or older whilst raising a child under 18 is Pew Research's definition of someone in the Sandwich Generation. Being a Sandwich Generation parent in an ailing economy, means being pulled in many directions at the same time.
Pew says 'not only do many provide care and financial support to their parents and their children, but nearly four-in-ten (38%) say both their grown children and their parents rely on them for emotional support.'
In this episode we talk about the trials of the Sandwich Generation, and it's rather more nuanced than the headlines make it sound. We discuss how important it is for us all to build community, to have open discussions about our needs and expectations, and to live in the season of our life.
GENERATION: PEW RESEARCH DEFINITION
Gen Z – 1997 – 2012
Millennials were born between 1981 and 1996
Gen X were born between 1965 and 1980
Boomers can be broken into two segments (Beresford research) – the first is 1946 and 1954 and the second is 1955-1964
And the Silent Generation who were born between 1928 and 1945
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I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
Nearly one in five teachers in England has been hit by a pupil this year, according to a BBC survey.
But it's not just in England. Stricter school discipline is making a comeback to Australian classrooms in a bid to help teachers stamp out disruptive behaviour. France is bringing back school uniforms to tackle the issue, and in America, more than 70% of 1,000 educators said in a recent national survey that students are misbehaving more now than they did before the pandemic in 2019.
Meanwhile, teachers are leaving the profession faster than they're joining in the UK, and school avoidance rates are at an all-time high. It's a complex issue that Simon Currigan talks about a lot on his podcast, School Behaviour Secrets.
In this conversation he gives us his version of what's happening, gives us a top tip on how to deal with a teen when they've lost control, the importance of asking why... at least five times, and gives us a framework for understanding school avoidance.
NOTES TO SUPPORT THE PODCAST: SEND - Special Educational Needs and Disability SEMH - Social Emotional Mental Health needs; part of SEND
EMOTION COACHING:
Empathise with their position - connection before correction.
Boundaries based on values.
Problem-solving - get them to engage in coming up with solutions.
The Toyota Five
RAIDED framework for understanding school avoidance:
Relationship problem
Anxiety
Identity - what do people like me do in a situation like this?
Direction - where they are focusing so it can be a desire to be out of school because of what's happening at home.
Environment - is the school too overstimulating or do they have sensory needs?
Dislocation - do they feel unwelcome in the school community, as if they don't belong.
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I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
Is it a constant battle to get your teens to do the right thing? Getting them to bed on time, eating healthily, keeping their screen time to an acceptable level are all problems that come up regularly. So when a listener asked for a script to use to get her teens into bed I decided that it was worth delving into what other parents are doing right and how we can adapt their behaviour to our own households.
The research has made me rethink my own life structure and the importance of routine in decluttering my life.
KEY REFERENCES: Atomic Habits - James Clear Podcast with Angela Duckworth - No Stupid Questions - 186 Do You Need a Routine? App I've started using: Streaks
SOME LISTENER RESPONSES: Melissa: I don't think I said much. Other than you sleep better if you don't do tech just before bed. I think intially the cut off was an hour before bedtime. Which gave flexibility to give them a ten minute warning etc. Son mostly now stops tech before without prompting.
Grant: As part of screen time, there is an option to set down time on each of their devices. It works well for us.
Natalie: No phones, laptops or TVs in their rooms after 9.30pm but equally we, as parents, have to do the same. Read before bed, everyone asleep by 10.30pm latest on a school night. Not had to resort to plan B yet (WiFi turned off) as they do it. Lead by example. Also no phones or TV at dinner and we all eat together every night. I'm a big believer in systems and routines. Less arguments as no suprises.
Ashleigh We try and stick to 8pm cut off. And it helps when they have sports training they need to sleep for
Holly We have a 9pm cutoff. Phone gets plugged in in the hallway outside the room
Sarah I have a cut off too. I started this when they were younger and then each year gradually increased the cut off, but they had to prove to me that they could come off their devices at the allotted time and get up for school the next day without any arguments. If they didn’t come off at the agreed time or were difficult the next morning, the agreement was that they would lose some screen time the next night by coming off earlier.
I work on a “prove you can be trusted” basis with both my teens for almost everything. I rarely have trouble with them as they can see the benefits of trust e.g. they get to do more! it’s worked wonders for my 17 y
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I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
Missing out can cause visceral pain; particularly for teenagers, but why is it so awful and can anything be done to help them with it?
This episode was inspired by a parent whose daughter is at an expensive private school, but the family are finally having to accept that they can't afford it and will have to withdraw her. We love our, kids and want the best for them, but why choose something that's a massive stretch for us? What is 'the best' and where do we get our ideas from?
I would argue that FOMO is at the root of the decision to put her there, and even the daughter's request a Hermes handbag, rather than a present more suitable for a young girl.
In this episode we talk about where our desires come from and why our social environment can have such an impact. We discuss why figuring out, and staying anchored to, our own values whilst getting our kids to find something that really matters to them, is at the heart of protecting us from the pain of FOMO.
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I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
We all love our kids and hope for the best, but we also worry about how well they'll navigate life once they're old enough to leave home. It's a fine balance between supporting them enough for them to feel loved, and letting them fail so that they learn the skills they need.
With the reported increase in kids who 'fail to launch' I thought it might be really helpful to talk with someone who spends his days helping young adults who're struggling.
We talked about the vital importance of routine, helping them to feel positive about themselves - especially in the face of failure - what we can do to help them find their own purpose in life, and giving our kids healthy role models on which to build their own life.
KEN'S TIPS:
Start with the sleep/wake routine, helping them to create their own schedule.
Once they have a solid routine in place, introduce three extra things:
Something creative
Something reflective
Something physical
Types of anxiety: Body-based Mind-based Totems: something that represents a challenge Time-based Distance: Having to leave a safe space
Depression: All the parts of the daily routine will help make a difference to their depression.
If you would like to ask Ken any questions, or learn more about mentoring: Www.kenrabow.com
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I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
I scan the newspapers daily to keep an eye on what's going on that might be relevant to us parents. I usually share it on my Instagram and Facebook feeds, but it's also good to sit down with another, equally interested but unpolitical, parent, to simply chat about the state of the world that our kids are growing up in.
None of it is scientific, or based on deep fact, but sometimes it's nice to chew the cud and hear other parents talking freely about the issues that might affect our own parenting and kids.
I'd love to hear if there are any topics that particularly interest you, or if you agree/disagre with any of our views. Email Rachel @teenagersuntangled@gmail.com and you can sign up for my newsletter on the website at www.teenagersuntangled.com.
Quote: Viktor Frankl: 'When a person can't find a deep sense of pupose he distracts himself with pleasure.'
Sources: https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-13454193/Mel-Stride-blames-pornography-video-games-alarming-surge-jobless-young-men.html#:~:text=Mel%20Stride%20said%20that%20easy,of%20economic%20inactivity%20across%20Britain. https://www.thetimes.co.uk/article/china-president-xi-high-school-pupils-military-training-gkgwmj2q7 https://news.sky.com/story/which-countries-have-national-service-and-how-does-it-work-elsewhere-13143261 @Mrpink on Twitter https://eu.usatoday.com/story/life/health-wellness/2024/03/01/muscle-dysmorphia-bigorexia-are-severe-problems-thanks-to-tiktok/72792612007/
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I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
It's incredibly frustrating to parent a teen who seems smart but is constantly late, can't set effective goals, can't keep going after their initial burst of enthusiasm, who's messy, doesn't start projects on time, or can't seem to control their impulses.
Are they being lazy or is it that they lack a key skill which is holding them back? The latest book I read makes it clear that problems with any of these tasks isn't necessarily lack of interest or laziness, but can be a lack of skill in an area called executive function.
In this episode I talk through the types of executive function deficits, and how we can spot them. What's exciting is that the book implies that with the right training our teens can learn how to overcome the sorts of things that drive us nuts and are holding them back from achieving their goals.
It's an exciting prospect, because it puts the emphasis on the need to learn skills rather than on personal failing, and gives us parents hope that by being supportive in slowly acquiring the skills our kids can lead lives free of the enormous frustrations that these deficits can cause.
BOOK: Smart but Scattered Teens, by Richard Guare PhD, Peg Dawson, EdD, and Colin Guare
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I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
Hermes was a Greek god able to move quickly and freely between the worlds of the mortal and the divine, helped by his winged sandals. We mere mortals, on the other hand, are stuck here on Earth, and more likely to associate the word, Hermes with expensive handbags.
When a listener wrote a beautiful email talking about her struggles with a young daughter who has been begging for one of these extremely expensive Hermes bags for her birthday I thought it would be a great topic for discussion.
The problems our listener faces trouble so many of usthe various issues in the hope of supporting the listener and helping others along the way; after all, we're a community here to help each other.
TOPICS COVERED:
Parenting styles
Desire for posessions as a way to feel included
The importance of values
Celebrating our own culture
The impact of society on our desires and choices
BOOK SUGGESTION: Hold on to Your Kids, by Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Mate
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I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
The amount of holiday teens get varies enormously around the world. For some, it's a much needed break from routine, for others it's a real chance to flip the script of their life and focus their attention on things that aren't part of the rigid educational agenda.
In this episode we talk about ways in which we can help our teens use their summer to grow in ways that genuinely interest them. Lots of skills get little time for development whilst they're at school, so it's a great chance for them to explore their passions in an unstructured environment, or get some experience in the workplace.
There's no right way to do summer, but hopefully some of these suggestions can give you ideas for things you can do; including simply working on your connection if you think that things haven't been going too well.
The blog detailing my method for change: https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/blog/Be-the-person-you-want-to-be-not-the-person-others-think-you-should-be/
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I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
If you're a bit confused about how much you should be wading in on your young adolescent's screen time then you're not alone. The truth is, there's been very little clear data to prove what we should and shouldn't be doing. Jonathan Haidt's book Anxiety Generation has turned the dial up on the whole subject and he's pushing hard for a ban on social media for younger teens because of the impact he says it has on them. Meanwhile, Natasha Devon is more keen on getting us parents to engage positively with our kids and teach them how to be their best selves online.
So who's right? A new study from the University of California, published in the journal Paediatric Research, looked at the behaviour of ten thousand 12-13 year olds, and it's given parents a clearer understanding of what we should be doing.
The most positive impact: is if we parents place limits on our own screen use, especially in front of our kids.
The most negative thing to do is using screen time as a reward or a punishment - because they found it tends to increase the desire to be on their screens. Which is exactly what Natasha Devon said in my interview about how to help your teens be their best selves online.
NEW STUDY: https://www.nature.com/articles/s41390-024-03243-y#Sec19
TOOL FOR CREATING A FAMILY MEDIA PLAN: https://www.healthychildren.org/English/fmp/Pages/MediaPlan.aspx
MY INTERVIEW WITH NATASHA DEVON: https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/42-social-media-and-how-to-help-your-teens-be-their-best-selves-online-with-natasha-devon-mbe/
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I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
The holidays are a great time to begin preparing our kids for the next year, but there's so much we could be doing it's hard to know where to start. I've turned to and someone who specialises in helping parents with tweens to give us some great, actionable tips.
JoAnn Schauf, who founded Your Tween and You, and is the author of Loving the Alien: How to Parent Your Tween, emphasizes the importance of focusing on fostering autonomy and confidence in children.
In this episode we talked about:
Goal-setting and allowing them to use their voice to set their goals.
The way our role changes and being clear about the new relationship.
The confusing changes that happen in our tween's brain.
The benefit of an accountability partner.
Using an accomplishment journal.
Noticing when the good things they do.
Focusing only on effort.
Allowing our kids to set their own goals.
Discussing homework building blocks.
Discussing screen time and empowering them to manage it.
Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message.
I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
Living with a teenager can make us feel queezy at times because we keep losing our bearings. They're changing rapidly, and bringing new challenges into our home, while we're just trying to do our best. For many, the start of a romantic relationship can feel particularly difficult. You're not just negotiating new territory, but having to do it with another person in the equation.
One listener has contacted me to for support over her teen daughter snuggling with her new boyfriend on the sofa in front of other family members. Sometimes it's hard to figure out whether we're being unreasonable, and even what it is that we're objecting to.
In this episode I directly address her feelings, and how challenging this can be for us parents, before sharing an old episode in which we talked about 16 year olds having sex under our roof.
Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message.
I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
We'd all love our kids to have self-belief, and the confidence to make friends easily. The problem is that it's not something we can simply give to them.
Seeing our teen struggle in social settings, or suffer with crippling shyness, can be really challenging for us; particularly if it's a feeling we experienced as a teen and seeing our kid go through it brings our own discomfort flooding back.
Today's episode is designed to help our listener whose daughter's shyness is sometimes misconstrued as rudeness. We discuss our own experience of shyness, how it can be misunsderstood by others, and ways in which we can help our teens develop more self-belief.
Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message.
I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
When a lone mother came onto our Facebook group to look for support with her teenage son who's done very little with his summer holiday other than sleep in late I thought it was a great time to revisit this topic, and talk about the severe level of sleep deprivation our society deems acceptable, and how important sleep is for teens. They're not lazy; there are some important developmental things happening when they sleep.
That said, there are also some concrete things we parents can do to help our teens make the most of their holidays which can be a huge boost to their self-knowledge and ability to regulate themselves.
Reminding ourselves that academics are just one of the important things our kids need for life helps us to steer our focus onto other gains they can make in the holidays.
KEY: Remove all tech from their rooms, at the very least it should be done well before they ought to go to sleep.
Choose one life-skill a week and teach them how to do it 'perfectly' using praise and ecouragement as your weapons.
Help them to talk about what really interests them. Be very careful not to judge whatever it is, but help them to create a routine that involves working towards their goal. Agree a regular check-in time to look again at how they're getting on, and whether it's realistic or needs adapting. This is an amazing life-skill which will protect them from 'failure to launch'.
Book things that give the holidays structure.
Make sure they have plenty of opportunity to spend time with their friends; social skills and socialising are vital for teens and my kids' screen time drops dramatically when she has social things to do.
Get them used to playing games that don't involve online time. We've been loving Uno, Monopoly Deal, Kick the Can, and one unlikely hit has been Sussed which isn't a game, but a card system where each person has to ask the group questions about themselves and people in the group have to guess which they think is the right answer.
BOOK REFERENCED:
Why Students Don't Like School by Daniel Willingham
Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message.
I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
Whether your teen is currently learning to drive, or those days are in the future, it helps to prepare ahead.
Both Rachel and Susie have teens learning, so it's a great time for Rachel to go through all of the tips and data to help us all think ahead about what is involved and how to make their life behind the wheel as safe and smooth as possible.
The free RISK ANTICIPATION driving course: https://www.teendrive365inschool.com/safe-driving-resources/teens
NEW DRIVER AGREEMENT CATEGORIES:
What are you responsible for in terms of cost?
Enforcing zero tolerance for driving under the influence. Discuss situations.
Use of a mobile phone. Switch off notifications.
Remind them of the consequences if they break the law.
Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message.
I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
Music festivals are a rite of passage for many teens. Whilst some love the music, the lack of restriction and opportunities to mingle in a way that they could have only dreamt of during Covid, others decide to give them a miss or go and positively hate the experience.
I was never a festival kid growing up. I didn't have the money, or the opportunity. As an adult, I've found them to be joyous events, but will always refuse to stay the night.
My girls have now both been to one of the key UK festivals, Reading, so I thought you might be interested to hear more about what to expect if your kids are keen to go, how best to plan ahead, and what the key issues turned out to be.
Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message.
I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
Extreme misogyny, and the resulting violence against women and girls, has recently been described in the UK as a national emergency.
According to the National Police Chiefs Council, online influencers like Andrew Tate are radicalising boys in and a way that is 'quite terrifying'.
Deputy Chief Constable Maggie Blyth said officers who focused on violence against women and girls are now working with counter-terrorism teams to look at the risk of young men being radicalised.
But what should we parents be doing, and how can we best support our boys? I reached out to Dr. Brendan Kwiatkowski who's a researcher and educator specializing in the social-emotional development and wellbeing of boys and men.
We talked about the emotional lives of boys and men, online influencers, and the idea of innoculating our boys before they hit puberty so they are prepared for the issues that tend to crop up.
Dr. Brendan Kwiatkowski: www.remasculine.com Dr. Brendan Kwiatkowski is a researcher, educator, speaker, and consultant specializing in the social-emotional development and wellbeing of boys and men—and how that intersects with the wellbeing of others. His PhD research investigated teenage boys’ experiences and beliefs about being male and compared their experiences based on their levels of emotional expression. He is passionate about positive-focused and person-centred research that humanizes and empowers participants, as well in research that is transformative and practically useful for people in the real-world. He lives in Vancouver, BC, and is part of the faculty of education at a local university. Some of the things Brendan enjoys regularly is breath-work, cold plunges, and free-diving.
BOY FRIENDSHIPS: https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/boy-friendships-and-supporting-our-sons-in-forming-positive-friendships-also-what-the-we-sho-1/
TALKING ABOUT PORN: https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/pornography-why-talking-to-your-teen-about-it-is-more-important-now-than-its-ever-been-and-great/
Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message.
I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
In the West, we tend to see success for late teens as passing exams, getting into further education or getting a job, and moving on with life. So when we received an email from a mother, concerned for the welfare of her two step-sons who've performed poorly in their final high school exams, and who don't seem to be interested in finding work, we thought it would be a really interesting topic to unpack.
Her step-sons aren't alone. There is growing concern about the relative underachivement of boys in education across the Western hemisphere, and the term 'failure to launch' was even referred to as a syndrome in a recent article in The British Journal of General Practice.
We discuss coping with our own expectations and feelings of fear about our children's suceess, managing a complicated situation as a step-parent, and the structural issues affecting boys in today's society.
BOOKS REFERENCED:
Boys Adrift, Leonard Sax explores the alarming trend of boys falling behind in education and life.
Of Boys and Men: Richard Reeves. Why the modern male is struggling, why it matters, and what to do about it.
Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message.
I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
It doesn't matter how much we know, and how much we work at it, we'll all struggle to parent well at times; it's just part of being human.
To mark the 100th episode of the podcast I decided to give you a top ten of the best lessons I've learned, and continue to mess up.
In case you can't be bothered to listen, you're bored by me waffling, or you just want the list, here goes:
Connection over correction.
It's not personal, and it's not about you.
Kick the bullies out of your head.
It's not your job to tell your kids what to do, it's your job to help them find out who they are.
Routine is going to save everyone from nagging hell.
Assume your kids are trying their best and catch them being good.
Have clear boundaries, consequences and expectations, but be prepared to negotiate.
Community is way more important and helpful than we were told.
Be honest about your own failings.
Make time to enjoy the ride.
This list isn't definitive, it's just the stuff that's has felt most meaningful to me. Hopefully some of it will land with you, but if you have any other keys to heaven you can add then email teenagersuntangled@gmail.com and help us all out; we need all the support we can get.
Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message.
I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
What is school for, and are exam grades a good measure of a human? Does someone's grades tell us what we should know, or are we being misled? Do grades help children grow and engage with learning, or do they simply destroy interest and entrench social divisions? These are the sort of questions that perplex many of us who are parenting teenagers.
It’s coming to the end of summer in the UK which means there’s been a wave of exam results and the beautifully timed release of a terrific book called Exam Nation; why our obsession with grades fails everyone.
Written by Sammy Wright, Headteacher of a secondary school in the North of England and part of the UK government’s Social Mobility Commission for several years it was chosen by the BBC as book of the week, and applauded by reviewers across the serious newspapers in the UK, and I even found it laugh out loud funny at times.
In this interview we talk about what school is for, the difficult transition from junior to secondary education, the need for tests and the way in which we view grades. Sammy offers up thought about other ways of looking at schooling which he thinks has become too transactional and would serve us better if it were more focused on the whole person.
Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message.
I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
Susie is available for a free 15 minute consultation, and has a great blog: www.amindful-life.co.uk
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