We gotta talk about male suicide and mental health.

If you or someone you know is having suicidal thoughts, you can call the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline for help in the United States. Call 988 or 800-273-TALK (8255). The 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline is open 24 hours a day, every day. Services are also available en espanol.

More than 39,000 boys and young men die of suicide in the United States each year. The male suicide rate is 4 times that of females’ – and that fact isn’t widely known. Although there’s been a lot of discussion of the youth mental health crisis and suicidal ideation in recent years, few people are talking about the fact that most of those who die of suicide are boys and young men.

Anthony Tricarico  was one of them. He was a “beautiful shooting star,” a young entrepreneur who loved snowboarding and bought a Camaro at age 16. Anthony died by suicide earlier this year, at age 16 1/2. From the outside looking in, Anthony had it all: a loving family, lots of friends, great grades, talent, and personality. His death was a shock to the community, as people realized, “If this could happen to Anthony, it could happen to any of us,” said his father, Neal Tricarico. 

Takeaways:

• Autistic people/those on the autism spectrum are at increased risk of suicide
• COVID-19 has had a profound impact on youth mental health.
• There is often a disconnect between autism support and mental health services.
• Support systems for families in crisis are often lacking.
• Seasonal changes can significantly affect mental health.
• Parental control is limited; love does not guarantee safety.
• Community support can provide immense comfort during grief.
• The importance of love and connection transcends loss.
• Achievements do not equate to fulfillment in children.
• Open conversations about mental health are essential.
• Creating a movement can honor lost loved ones and raise awareness.
• Grief can lead to profound spiritual growth and connection.

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

AnneMoss Rogers on Suicide Prevention & Struggling Teens — ON BOYS episode

Loving Someone With Suicidal Thoughts — ON BOYS episode

What You Need to Know About Boys & Suicide — ON BOYS episode

NAMI — National Alliance on Mental Illness (has support groups for parents!)

Suicide & Autism — a report from the UK

Neal's contact info:

Email: neal@endurantmovement.com

Instagram: @nealtricarico

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/neal.tricarico/

LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/nealtricarico/

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Boys are twice as likely as girls to be friendless in middle school. And by adulthood, 1 in 5 men say they don’t have any close friends.

Friendship matters for guys too – but clearly, boys face some unique challenges. “Boys & men have special challenges because of the image of how they’re ‘supposed to be,'” says Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore, a psychologist and author who may be better known as Dr. Friendtastic. Some boys, for instance, love rough & tumble play. But 40% of boys don’t like it & may struggle to connect with other boys who like to roughhouse. Additionally, adult women (including moms and teachers) often misinterpret “play fighting” as real fighting and stop it, even though the involved boys may be forging or solidifying friendships.

“We have to be careful about being judgemental of boys’ play and boys’ imagination,” Eileen says.

Supporting Boys’ Friendships

One of our fundamental jobs as parents, Eileen says, is “teaching them how to be in relationships.”

Parents of young boys can help them connect with other children who have similar interests.You “have have a lot of influence on their social lives by creating opportunities,” she says. “Use your deep knowledge of your son & try to figure out what he enjoys doing that he can do with other kids.”

That step is especially important if your son doesn’t naturally connect with the kids in his school or neighborhood. “I always, always, always recommend multiple groups of friends, if we can manage it,” Eileen says. “The ups & downs of friendship are inevitable, and we want them to have options.”

You can also help boys understand how their actions and words contribute to conflicts, by calmly sharing your observations and asking them to share their perspective and imagine their friends’ perspective. If you son has hurt someone physically or emotionally, asking “what can you do to help him feel better?” both underscores the importance of relationship repair and helps him brainstorm ways to ease his friend’s pain.

Keep in mind: Negotiation and compromise don’t become the main way kids’ resolve conflict until age 19. That doesn’t mean you can’t work on those skills before then; you should! It means that kids will continue to need our support to navigate friendship challenges for many years.

Janet & her grandson w one of Eileen’s books

In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Eileen (Dr. Friendtastic) discuss:

• Common friendship challenges for boys
• Rough & tumble play
• Helping boys connect with friends
• Managing “gun play” and “violent play”
• The importance of friendship
• Bullying
• Forgiveness guidelines
• Online friendships

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

drfriendtastic.com — includes links to the Dr. Friendtastic podcast

eileenkennedymoore.com — includes free articles, videos, & links to all of Eileen’s books

The Art of Roughhousing (w Dr. Lawrence Cohen) — ON BOYS episode

Weapons Play is Okay — Building Boys blog post

Common Sense Guidelines for “Gun Play” — Building Boys blog post

Teaching Boys Social Skills — ON BOYS episode

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How do we best support neurodivergent boys?

Approximately 12% of boys in the United States have been diagnosed with ADHD. About 3% are on the autism spectrum. 18% of boys have dyslexia. An untold number are gifted – &, of course, many boys are 2e, or twice-exceptional, with more than one of these conditions.

Dr. Matt Zakreski was one of those boys. “My backpack always looked like a bomb went off, I always forgot there were tests but could study 3 minutes before the test and get a 92,” says Dr. Matt, author of Neurodiversity Playbook: How Neurodivergent People Can Crack the Code of Living in a Neurotypical World.His obvious-in-hindsight ADHD wasn’t noticed or address until he was in high school.

Neurodiversity affects the intellectual, social, and emotional development of neurodivergent boys.”You have have a 10 year-old who’s intellectually 15 but socially, they’re 8,” Dr. Matt says, noting that neurodivergent boys need support both where they’re “ahead” of their similarly aged peesr and where they’re “behind.”

Living with & Supporting Neurodivergent Boys

“Be curious, not furious,” Dr. Matt advises. Instead of getting mad when your child does (or doesn’t do!) something, get curious. Don’t assume that the child is being defiant, disobedient, or trying to annoy you. Remind yourself, “this child has needs that I don’t necessarily understand right now.” Take some deep breaths or do whatever else you need to do to calm yourself first. Then, get curious: ask your child what’s going on. Listen carefully. You’ll likely learn more about your child & strengthen your relationship.

Parenting neurodivergent kids will also include helping kids learn how to manage their attraction to things that feel good in the moment but may be harmful in excess. (Think: screens). Compromise — and demonstrating understanding & empathy for your kid’s interests and goals — can help.

Neurodivergent-friendly environments are crucial for the success and well-being of neurodivergent children. You are not impairing their ability to cope or function in the broader world by considering your son’s unique needs.

“Resiliency is not just working harder,” Dr. Matt says. “You build resiliency fastest and most generalizable through the things you like to do the most.” Giving boys plenty of opportunities to pursue the activities and problems that interest them also gives them opportunities to develop intellectually, socially, and emotionally.

Takeaways:

• Neurodivergent individuals have unique brains that develop asynchronously, with strengths in certain areas and challenges in others
• Understanding and supporting neurodivergent children requires looking beyond academics and considering their social, emotional, and developmental needs
• Parenting neurodivergent children involves being curious, not furious, and finding compromises that meet both the child’s needs and the parent’s boundaries
• Setting reasonable limits on screen time and using a third-door solution approach can help navigate conflicts around technology use
• Psychoeducation, explaining how a child’s brain works and why certain behaviors occur, can empower children and reduce self-blame. Neurodivergent boys often struggle with self-regulation and may exhibit behaviors that are coping strategies
• Providing neurodivergent boys with a customized playbook of coping strategies can help them manage their emotions and impulses
• Neurodivergent-friendly environments, such as schools and activities, are crucial for the success and well-being of neurodivergent boys
• It is important to fight against gender stereotypes and embrace the
• unique strengths and interests of neurodivergent boys

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Neurodiversity Playbook: How Neurodivergent People Can Crack the Code of Living in a Neurotypical World, by Dr. Matt Zakreski

www.drmattzakreski.com

Building Boys: Raising Great Guys in a World That Misunderstands Males, by Jen

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Jen Lumanlan, author of Parenting Beyond Power: How to Use Connection & Collaboration to Transform Your Family, believes there’s a direct link between parenting and social justice.

“The way that we raise our children — the daily interactions that we have with them that seem like they’re about discipline — actually support our children in learning about how power works in families and in our culture,” she says. “That shapes how they go out into the world and treat other people.

If we want to move toward a vision of society in which everyone belongs, everyone feels free to be their full, true, whole self, then the work to do that begins at home, in parenting.”

Easier Parenting + Powerful Change

All behavior is communication. Children’s “behavior that seems mysterious and overwhelming is communicating an unmet need. And when you can understand what that need is, you can support your child in meeting that need,” Jen says. Identifying and meeting your child’s needs can decrease conflict and increase family harmony.

Questioning the stories you tell yourself about your child’s behavior is also helpful, as these stories may be inaccurate. It’s more helpful to get curious, as open-minded curiosity can point the way toward solutions that meet both your child’s needs and your own.

“This is not just about meeting your child’s needs,” Jen says. “This is about seeing you, as the parent and caregiver, as a person that has needs. And seeing your child as a person with needs. We can hold those with equal thought, care, love, and attention.”

In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Jen discuss:

• Parenting & social justice
• The power of accepting our children as they are
• Identifying kids’ needs
• Meeting basic needs
• True respect
• Homework resistance
• Setting boundaries
• Rest & self-care

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Parenting Beyond Power: How to Use Connection & Collaboration to Transform Your Family — and the World, by Jen Lumanlan

yourparentingmojo.com –– Jen’s website (includes links to her needs quiz & Your Parenting Mojo podcast as well)

Parenting, Privilege, & Building A Just World — ON BOYS episode

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Gemma Gaudette says “we don’t give boys enough credit.”

Gemma, host of Idaho Matters & a mom of two sons (currently ages 11 & 15), knows (from personal experience!) that boys can be dramatic & sensitive, even though society has coded those traits as “feminine.” Yet many adults continue to insist on & impose so-called “masculine” expectations on boys, without recognizing the breadth of normal variation.

Many adults also react to boys’ behavior based on their experiences with harmful adult males. “There’s an automatic assumption that boys are bad,” Gemma says. “There is an automatic assumption that a boy is a predator…I get very frustrated as a boy mom when we label all boys as ‘bad,’ ‘aggressive,’ as ‘having anger issues,’ because I think that when we do that, at some point, our boys believe that.”

Helping boys navigate emotions & relationships

Like most brothers, Gemma’s boys fight & bicker – often, physically. Given the age & size difference between her sons, she told her oldest son not to engage physically with the younger son. Sensing opportunity, the young one began tormenting his older brother. That led to a fascinating, revealing conversation between Gemma and her 15-year-old, which revealed her son’s deep love and concern for his younger brother. She validated his feelings and reiterated his right to self-protection.

“We have to give boys room to breathe, and say that it’s okay sometimes feel aggression,” Gemma says. We then need to talk to them about healthy ways to cope with that feeling. We also need to establish boundaries and (reasonable) behavioral expectations, she says..

On giving boys more independence

Parental fear can inhibit boys’ independence and hinder the development of confidence and competence. Boys need opportunities to assume responsibility and act autonomously in order to develop responsibility.

“We’ve got to give them little baby steps toward autonomy,” Gemma says, “so when we release them ‘into the wild,’ they know how to make good choices.”

As her boys have become teenagers, Gemma has shifted toward advising them and encouraging them to consider their options (and the likely consequences of each option) instead of simply telling them what to do. “They need me now to coach them,” she says, “because if we continue to tell them what to do, they’ll never know what to do when we’re not there.”

In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Gemma discuss:

• Helping boys recognize & navigate gender norms
• Aggression nurturance & roughhousing
• Setting boundaries
• Modeling & teaching conflict resolution
• Society’s fear of teenage boys
• Teaching boys manners
• Giving boys autonomy
• Why Gemma doesn’t use an app or tracker to monitor her boys’ whereabouts
• The mental load of parenting teens

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Boy Moms as Boy Advocates — our previous ON BOYS episode w Gemma

“Building Boys:” An Author Interview with Jennifer Fink — Gemma interviews Jen on Idaho Matters

Raising Boys — CBSN documentary featuring Jen & Gemma

Michael Gurian on Raising Boys –– ON BOYS episode

Teacher Tom Talks About Boys, Emotions, & Play — ON BOYS episode

The Art of Roughhousing (w Dr. Lawrence Cohen) — ON BOYS episode

What Middle School Boys Need — ON BOYS episode w Jerome Hunter

Building boys’ resilience can help them thrive, says Marc Hauser. 

Even if they’ve experienced a lot of adversity.

“Adversity experienced by children is not a rare event, but a relatively common event,” says Marc, author of Vulnerable Minds: The Harms of Childhood Trauma & the Hope of Resilience. Adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) may include abuse, violence, neglect, poverty, and loss of a caregiver, and these experiences can negatively affect kids’ development.

But although research linking ACEs to behavioral problems and decreased academic achievement has been around for more than two decades, many adults still do not understand that adverse experiences may be at the root of children’s behavioral issues. Boys who act up (or out) at school, at home, or in the community are frequently met with punishment, not understanding.

Shifting your mindset from What’s wrong with you? to What happened to you? What’s happening? can be “transformative,” Marc says.

The 5 Ts (& How They Impact ACEs)

All adverse experiences are not equal. There are 5 Ts that can impact a child’s adverse experiences:

Type  – Poverty may impact a child differently than sexual abuse or loss of a caregiver, for instance.

Tenure  – How long is the child exposed to the adverse experience? Is it relatively fleeting, or a persistent issue over many months or years?

Timing – When, during the child’s development, did they experience an adverse event? Some ACEs are particularly impactful if they occur during specific phases of development.

Toxicity  — This describes the severity of the event. Broadly speaking, severe physical abuse is typically more impactful than mild physical abuse.

Turbulence – How unpredictable and uncontrollable is the event?

In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Marc discuss:

• Prevalence of ACEs
• How exposure to trauma affects parents & their parenting practices
• ACEs impact on males
• The COVID pandemic’s impact on boys
• Strategies boys (& others) can use to mitigate the impact of ACEs

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Vulnerable Minds: The Harms of Childhood Trauma & the Hope of Resilience, by Marc Hauser

marcdhauser.com — Marc’s website

risk-eraser.com

“Whole Child, Whole Life” with Stephanie Malia Krauss — ON BOYS episode

Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) & Muscle Dysphoria — ON BOYS episode

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Yes, it’s possible to raise a healthy gamer. Even in a world saturated with video games.

Fighting about video games, however, isn’t helpful, says Alok Kanojia (aka Dr. K), author of How to Raise a Healthy Gamer: End Power Struggles, Break Bad Screen Habits, and Transform Your Relationship with Your Kids.

“Right now, there is an antagonistic relationship between most parents & their kids around video gaming,” Dr. K says. “You think they need to cut back; they don’t think they have a problem. Then, as parents start to institute limits, children will try to undermine them. Even if you ‘win’ in this scenario, you lose.”

It’s more helpful, he says, to establish a collaborative relationship. Ask your child what he enjoys about gaming. Listen carefully to his answers, with an ear to understanding. Really work to understand what he gets from gaming, and ask questions to help him reflect on the role of video games in his life.

This takes time — and it’s time well invested.

“The time scale that a lot of parents operate on around video games is too small,” Dr. K says. Slow down, & don’t impose solutions. Instead, work on shared problem-solving. “This shifts the dynamic from ‘us vs them’ to ‘we’re on the same team.’ And the moment we make that shift, we see some beautiful changes.”

In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Dr. K discuss:

• Why video games are so problematic for many boys & their families
• The role of gaming in boys’ lives
• Video game addiction
• Handling boys’ resistance
• Why you should never make & enforce a boundary at the same time
• Why you shouldn’t use gaming as a disciplinary tool (or reward)
• Responding to kids who won’t put down their phone

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

How to Raise a Healthy Gamer: End Power Struggles, Break Bad Screen Habits, and Transform Your Relationship with Your Kids, by Alok Kanojia (aka Dr. K)

www.healthygamer.gg — Dr. K’s website

Why are Video Games So Important to Boys? — ON BOYS episode

The Evolution of Esports — ON BOYS episode

The Link Between Freedom & Video Games — BuildingBoys blog post

Why Boys Play Video Games – BuildingBoys blog post

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It’s back-to-school time! 

What does this time of year look like for you & your family? Does your son dread back-to-school? Do you? Or, do you welcome that start of a new school year?

Rob Vaughn, a 5th grade teacher, is one of the (too) few male elementary school teachers in the United States.

Masculinity in 5th grade

When we asked Rob about his experiences in school when he was a boy, he told us, “I was a different kind of boy.” He says he wasn’t a “sporty jock,” but “quiet,” “introverted,” and “nerdy.” He remembers being shy and feeling overwhelmed.

The boys in his class exhibit a broad range of masculinity. There are the “dude” and “jocks,” Rob says, and at least as many boys how are “not stereotypical boys.” These guys like video games and stuffed animals, imaginative play, and art. They are sensitive — and so are the boys who like sports.

Kids today, he says, aren’t as strictly adhering to gender roles as kids were a generation ago.

“I’m finding that boys and girls are working together really well & openly, at least in my school,” Rob says. “Some of them are really great friends & some of the boys are really into ‘girl stuff.’ And they’re good at talking about their feelings!”

He is working to overcome lingering biases left over from his own childhood. Rob has noticed that his brain often thinks “tough kid” when he sees a boy in football gear, for instance. “I need to remember that they are still little kids and they are sensitive – even though they are acting like the celebrities they see,” he says.

He’s noticed boys emulating the behavior of online influencers and celebrities, including in less-than-desirable ways, such as arguing with referees or reacting with over-the-top rage when they lose a game. “It’s almost like there are little boys who are trying to be men, only the men they’re trying to be aren’t actualy men; they’re parodies of men that we’re seeing on social media.”

5th grade boys, Rob says, are grappling with “who am I? and who am I supposed to be?” at the same time they’re “dealing with hurt feelings and missing their mom.”

At the 5th grade level, boys tend to be less physically and emotionally mature than their female counterparts. At that age, boys are “not at a stage where they want to sit and discuss big ideas for as long” as the female students, Rob says. The boys, he says, “are operating at a level that’s a little sillier & younger.”

Teaching boys and girls together — and honestly talking about development and challenges — can enhance understanding and empathy.

Takeaways:

• Creating a sense of community in the classroom and giving students responsibilities can enhance their learning experience.
• Setting high expectations for students and empowering them to make choices can help build their independence.
• Fifth grade is a critical stage of development, with students experiencing the beginning stages of puberty and undergoing brain remodeling.
• Boys and girls in fifth grade are not always adhering to traditional gender roles, and they are grappling with societal expectations and their own identities.
• Social-emotional learning is an important aspect of the curriculum, focusing on skills such as empathy, communication, and self-awareness. Boys and girls may have different levels of maturity and focus in the classroom, with boys often being more active and playful.
• Societal expectations and media portrayals of masculinity can influence boys’ behavior and attitudes towards girls.
• Teaching boys about consent and respect for girls is crucial in creating a safe and inclusive environment.
• Parents and educators play a vital role in shaping boys’ behavior and attitudes towards girls.
• Building a strong foundation of respect and empathy in the early years can help boys navigate societal pressures and develop into confident and respectful men.

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Where Are All the Male Teachers? — Good Men Project article

Lisa Damour on the Emotional Lives on Teens — ON BOYS episode

Male Role Models — BuildingBoys post about male Olympians in the 2024 Summer Olympics

Gender Equality, Boys, & Men — ON BOYS podcast featuring Richard V. Reeves (which coverrs redshirting boys in school)

Erin’s Law — more info on the law that mandates child sexual abuse prevention

Mark Rober — YouTuber Rob mentioned during our conversation

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Now is the best time to raise boys, says psychologist Michael Reichert, founding director of the Center for the Study of Boys’ & Girls’ Lives, author of How to Raise a Boy, and co-author of Equimundo’s recent State of American Men report. 

It doesn’t feel that way to many parents (or boys), though. Recently, for the first time in recorded history, a majority of expectant American parents expressed a preference for a female child because boys’ lives are “too uncertain.”

“There’s such a cloud of pessimism that hangs over raising a boy,” Reichert says. But over the course of his career, Reichert has seen “a revolution in the willingness to apply science to the project of male development.” Researchers, educators, and parents are beginning to seriously think about how to best support boys.

Connection is Crucial

At present, 2/3 of American men ages 18-23 says “no one really knows me well.” That’s a problem because humans who are not in relationship with others who know them well are dangerous to themselves and others.

Human beings are relational learners, and boys, in particular, need connection to thrive. “Boys will give up trying if they don’t believe that someone really ‘get them’ and cares about how they’re doing,” Reichert says.

Boys may appear to resist relationships (especially with teachers), but often, that resistance is grounded in past experience. By late elementary school, many boys have already concluded that most people don’t genuinely care about them — so, they resist adult efforts to connect, in an effort to protect themselves. “Consequently, the boy is misunderstood as someone who is unavailable for relationship,” Reichert says, which “compounds that problem and exacerbates the cycle.”

Yet many parents believe that boys’ noisy resistance should be “met by an exercise of force or domination,” such as threat, punishment, scolding, or shaming, he says. But that’s precisely when boys most need connection and compassion.

“The long game in parenting a boy who’s having trouble behaving is to help that boy express what’s driving his behavior” and help him develop emotional awareness and self-regulation skills, Reichert says.

In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Michael discuss:

• Parental anxiety re raising boys
• Male motivation
• How teachers & parents misunderstand boys
• Boys’ developmental precarity
• Helping boys self-regulate
• Connecting with young adult males
• Developing boys’ emotional strength
• Your secret parent superpower

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

michaelcreichert.com — Michael’s website (includes contact information)

State of American Men report

Is This the Best Time to Be Raising a Boy? — Building Boys Bulletin 5-29-23

I Won’t Learn From You: And Other Thoughts on Creative Maladjustment, by Herbert Kohl

Here’s What I’ve Learned About Raising Boys in My 30 Years as a Child Psychologist — Self article by Michael

How to Raise a Boy: The Power of Connection to Build Good Men — Michael’s book

How to Raise a Boy (with Michael Reichert) — ON BOYS episode

Chimp Empire — Netflix series

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Protein, creatine, & performance enhancing drugs are common in boy world.

In fact, most teen boys experiment with them at some point. Approximately 80% of teenage boys say they’ve used a protein supplement within the last 12 months, says Kyle Ganson, an assistant professor who researches boys and body image.

“There’s a very broad list of performance enhancers, including dietary supplements and other substances that are perfectly legal and readily available to young people,” Kyle says. These substances are “purported to help you with your performance, with building strength, and with your appearance, but there’s not a lot of research on them and a lot of nuance to them.”

Whether they’re looking for this info or not, boys are likely to encounter it online. There are a plethora of social media influencers who hawk supplements and explicitly discuss their workout routines, nutrition, and dietary supplements. Not all of that information is accurate. In many cases, these influencers gain financially when they promote supplements.

Understanding boys’ motivation to use these substances is key to supporting them. An abstinence-only approach isn’t likely to work — and not necessary, in most cases, Kyle says. It’s better to engage boys in conversation and help them meet their goals.

In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Kyle discuss:

• Protein supplements, creatine, amino acids, pre-workout supplements, & energy drinks
• Steroids & synthetic hormones, including testosterone
• How media influences (& creates) unrealistic body image ideals for boys
• Why boys use performance enhancing supplements
• Helping boys find accurate information
• Typical paths to supplement use
• Talking to boys about performance enhancing substances
• Masculine norms & muscle-building behaviors
• Regulation (& lack of regulation!) of supplements & performance enhancing drugs

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACES) & Muscle Dysmorphia — previous ON BOYS episode w Kyle

Boys & Body Image – ON BOYS episode

Zac Efron Admits Bulking Up for Baywatch “Messed” Him Up

Rob McElhenney from “Always Sunny” Reveals How He Got So Ripped

Safety Reporting Portal — site consumers can use to report adverse events

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Sponsor Spotlight: Armoire

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Boys know that deep friendships are critical to mental health, says Dr. Niobe Way, a developmental psychologists who’s been studying boys for 40 years.

But as boys move through their teenage years, many of them — as many as 70-80% — find it difficult to connect with other boys. Why? “Boy culture,” says Dr. Way, author of Rebels with a Cause: Reimagining Boys, Ourselves, & Our Future, noting that she uses that term to describe the stereotypical “boy” expectations which state that boys & men should be strong & indepedent. And in many cultures, that “boy culture” has spread to the culture at large.

“Sucess, manhood, & modernity privilege the need for autonomy, not the need for connection,” Dr. Way says. The message most of us get is that maturity = self-sufficiency.

That message may be harming the mental health of all of us, as humans as meant to be inter-dependent.

Rebels, Dr. Way says, is not solely about boys & men, but about all of us & the culture in which we live. “Everybody needs relationships, connections, and friendships,” she says.

Learning from boys to improve life for us all

“We come into the world with natural relational intelligence, and we don’t value it,” Dr. Way says. So, we need to “nurture our 5-year-old capacity to look at each other with wonder, and rather than say, ‘what’s wrong with you?’, to say, ‘what can I learn from you, about you, & also about me?””

Dr. Niobe Way says that we in the United States (& many countries) over-attribute boys’ & mens’ behavior to biology. Yes, biology influences & affects male behavior. But culture also plays a critical role — as evidenced by the fact that other cultures throughout the world & history live out male friendships differently.

“The reality is that we used to be a very different culture in terms of valuing our ‘hard’ and ‘soft’ sides,” she says.

Recognizing the impact of culture frees us up to make necessary changes. Because as a 7th grade boy once told Dr. Way, “When we make things biology, we think we can’t change it.”

All humans can be a-holes; all can be compassionate. All have relational intelligence that needs to be nurtured.

“Kids do come into the world with different temperments,” Dr. Way says. “We shouldn’t immediately assume that boys who have trouble expressing their feelings are ‘troubled.'” She advises parents to “move past the idea that they [boys] have to express themselves to us,” noting that many kids directly resist parental pressure.

Instead, we should help our children develop healthy, mutually-supportive relationships. Start by normalizing the desire to be deeply connected to other people. (Talk about it with your boys!) Engage in a dialogue about relationships — and that may include sharing some info about your own joys & challenges in relationships with fellow humans. Expresse curiosity, rather than judgment.

Stop focusing so much time and attention on academics. Help kids build relationships instead.

Takeaways:

• Boys have a strong desire for close friendships and articulate the need for emotional connection and support.
• Friendships are linked to boys’ mental health and well-being.
• Boys often struggle to form and maintain deep friendships as they get older, which can lead to a crisis of connection.
• Boy culture, which devalues emotional expression and connection, plays a significant role in boys’ ability to form and maintain friendships.
• The findings from boys’ experiences can teach us about the importance of relationships and connection for all individuals, regardless of gender. Boys are capable of deep emotional connections, but may not express themselves as much as girls due to societal expectations.
• Parents should focus on helping their children develop healthy relationships with others, rather than solely relying on emotional expression towards them.
• Normalizing the desire for deep connections and valuing children’s curiosity and opinions is crucial for their emotional well-being.

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

www.niobe-way.com

Rebels with a Cause: Reimagining Boys, Ourselves, & Our Future, by Dr. Niobe Way

Deep Secrets: Boys’ Friendships & The Crisis of Connection, by Dr. Niobe Way

Together: The Healing Power of Human Connection in a Sometimes Lonely World, by (U.S. Surgeon General) Vivek Murthy

Pink Brain, Blue Brain: How Small Differences Grow Into Troublesome Gaps – and What We Can Do About It, by Dr. Lise Eliot

When Boys Become Boys: Development, Relationships, and Masculinity, by Judy Chu

The Listening Project

Dr. Friendtastic on Boys & Friendship — ON BOYS episode

Why Now is the Best Time to Raise Boys (w Michael Reichert) — ON BOYS episode

Sponsor Spotlight: ByHeart 

Get 10% off your first order using code ONBOYS at byheart.com

Sponsor Spotlight: Armoire

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Jen in a fun overall from Armoire

 Sponsor Spotlight: Lumen

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Sextortion disproportionately affects boys.

Between October 2021 & March 2023, the FBI & Homeland Security Investigation received more than 13,000 reports of online sextortion of minors. Most of the victims were boys. At least 20 boys have already died by suicide after experiencing sextortion.

The FBI is so concerned about these trends that they reached out to ON BOYS podcast. Agents are working to shutdown sextorionists, but they know that parents play a key role in keeping boys safe too.

“This trend of targeting boys for financial sextortion — where photos are taken or provided by the boy and then used to extort them for funds, under the impression that they will be shared online — is a scheme that seems to have emerged in the last few years,” says Chris Crocker, Acting Special Agent in Charge of the FBI St. Louis division.

Protecting Boys From Sextortion

Boys ages 14-17 seem to be the primary targets. Sextortionists connect with boys via online platforms (including gaming sites and social media; they often represent themselves as attractive teenage girls, show a lot of interest, perhaps share a sexy photo of “themselves,” and then ask the boy to reciprocate. When he does, they threaten to share the image unless the boy sends them money.

“The boys we’ve seen fall for these schemes are not dumb kids. They’re not kids that were necessarily obviously at any sort of risk. They’re good kids, good students, athletes, model kids, the kind of boys you would want your son to grow up to be,” Chris says. “These are not bad kids; these are good kids who make poor decisions. Every person is susceptible to doing that from time to time.”

Talk to your boys about sextortion, so they will talk to you if it occurs to them (or a friend). Make sure they know that you will help them, not yell at them or punish them.

“It is very important for parents to constantly reassure their children that they can come to them with something like this. Building that trust with your child is really important to avoiding these things – maybe not from occurring ever, but from reaching the worst possible outcome,” Chris says.”This is a really complex issue and there’s no easy way to handle it, but spreading awareness will prevent more of these outcomes.”

Chris Crocker, Acting Special Agent in Charge of the FBI St. Louis Division

To Report Sextortion:

To contact the FBI, dial 1-800-CALL-FBI or use tips.fbi.gov to provide information online.

The FBI’s partner at the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children provides guidance on how to remove nude photos online that were taken before a person was 18 years old: https://takeitdown.ncmec.org/

In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Chris discuss:

• What sextortion is
• Why boys are often victims
• How to talk to boys about sextortion
• What to do if someone is experiencing sextortion
• What happens when your report sextortion
• What social media sites are doing to combat sextortion

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Sextortion: A Growing Threat Preying on Our Nation’s Teens

A Teen’s Death in a Small Michigan Town Led the FBI & Police to an Online Sexual Extortion Scheme

This Boy’s Story Highlights Why Instagram’s Taking a New Stance on DMs

Instagram to Crack Down on Teen Sextortion

Maggie Dent: What Teenage Boys Really Need — ON BOYS episode

Talk with Boys Like a PRO (about anything & everything!) — Jen & Janet’s upcoming course (starts May 7, 2024)

Sponsor Spotlight: EZ Melts

Get a FREE 3-month supply of D3 w your 1st purchase at try.ezmelts.com/onboys

Sponsor Spotlight: ByHeart 

Get 10% off your first order using code ONBOYS at byheart.com

Sponsor Spotlight: My Life in a Book

Puberty, perimenopause, and neurodivergence affects brains and bodies.

And in two or more of those things are going on in our household at the same time…well, things can get particularly challenging, says Amy Lang, founder of Birds & Bees & Kids.

Amy & Janet discuss it all in this ON BOYS episode

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

The 3 Key Things Your Neurodivergent Boy Needs to Know about Sex (and 3 Things You Need to Know) 

Peri-menopause & Puberty: The Match Made in Heck – Get tickets here

Tue Nov 19, 2024 7:00 PM – 8:00 PM PST

Birds & Bees & Kids — Amy’s website

Resources recommended by Amy:

You Know, Sex: Bodies, Gender, Puberty, And Other Things

Sex Talks With Tweens: What To Say & How To Say It

Amaze.org/us

BARK (inside US)

Qustodio (monitoring outside US)

Sex Ed for Neurodiverse Kids  – ON BOYS episode w Amy Lang

Keeping Boys Safe Online (w Amy Lang) — ON BOYS episode

Talk to Boys About Sex (w Amy Lang) — ON BOYS episode

Puberty, Perimenopause, & Midlife Parenting — ON BOYS episode

Breakthrough Session for Family Coaching

Schedule your no-cost call with Janet at https://boysalive.com/call

Sponsor Spotlight: Hello Fresh

Get 10 FREE meals at HelloFresh.com/FreeONBOYS 

Sponsor Spotlight: IXL

The world’s most popular subscription-based learning site for K–12! Get 20% off at ixl.com/TODAY

To connect with boys, you must first listen, says Jonathon Reed, program manager for NextGenMen.

Societal expectations of boys & men are gradually shifting. These shifting narratives are part of why it’s so important for adults to listen to boys. Adults’ interpretation and understanding of situations and interactions doesn’t necessarily reflect boys’ complex experiences, and neither does our language or approach.

“We’ve got to look to them as the leaders in this conversation,” Reed says.

Approach with Curiosity

Teens (and humans of all ages) tend to shut down and stop listening to people who don’t seem to be listening. By adolescence, most boys know that the world isn’t simply black or white; they’re ready to explore the grey. If you want to connect you boys, approach conversations with curiosity.

“Curiosity lays the possibility for an impactful conversation,” Reed says. Then, listen. Don’t dismiss what boys are telling you; dwell on the awkwardness they share and express.

Remember, too, that boys won’t necessarily tell you about their problems. “If boys are struggling, often they’re struggling in silence,” Reed says. “There’s still a stigma against asking for help, particularly when it also means admitting a weakness or a vulnerability.” Create a sense of safety to connect with boys.

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

NextGenMen website

Raising Next Gen Men — ON BOYS episode

Breaking the Boy Code — ON BOYS episode

Teen Boys Emotional Lives — ON BOYS episode

Creating Consent Culture: A Handbook for Educators, by Marcia Baczynski and Erica Scott

Boys & Sex with Peggy Orenstein — ON BOYS episode

Sponsor Spotlight: ByHeart 

Get 10% off your first order using code ONBOYS at byheart.com

Sponsor Spotlight: Dabble & Dollop

Natural bath products for kids. Visit dabbleandollop.com/onboys to get 20% OFF your first order!

SheKnows’ “Be a Man” project is an “exploration of what it means to be a man today,” says Erika Janes, a “boy mom” and SheKnows editor-in-chief.

Importantly, the project includes teen boys and gives them an opportunity to share their thoughts about manhood and masculinity. Perhaps unsurprisingly, the boys’ responses reflect our still-evolving understanding of gender. Crying, for instance, is still seen as a term with strongly feminine connotations, “but almost every boy we talked to said that they did cry,” Janes says. “They still feel like there’s a stigma to boys and men crying, but for the most part, almost of all of them said, ‘I cry at times.'”

Boys, she says, “still get so many messages about traditional masculinity — ‘don’t cry, be strong, be a man.’ But they need to be allowed to express healthy emotion, to express vulnerability, to be able to cry and express sadness. We need to understand and accept that teen boys have all the same emotions as teen girls and that it’s healthier if they have outlets to express them.”

Takeaways:

• The Be A Man project on She Knows provides a comprehensive look into the lives of teen boys, covering topics such as masculinity, mental health, and social media.
• It is important to include and listen to teen boys in conversations about their experiences and perspectives.
• Parents of boys may face challenges in understanding and raising boys, but it is important to provide support and guidance.
• The project aims to provide advice and resources for parents navigating these topics with their teen boys.

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

We Asked 4 Teen Boys to Test New Fall Fragrances – Here’s What They Said – SheKnows article

The Response to Tim Walz’s Son’s Proud Tears at the DNC is a Telling Look at Masculinity & Emotion — SheKnows article

How Teen Boys View Male Celebrities & Masculinity, from Ryan Reynolds to Timothee Chalamet — SheKNow article

Gender Equality, Boys, & Men — ON BOYS episode featuring Richard V. Reeves

BoyMom Ruth Whippman on Reimaging Boyhood — ON BOYS episode

Dr. Niobe Way on Reimagining Boys — ON BOYS episode

Sponsor Spotlight: Lumen

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Sponsor Spotlight: Avoila

Sponsor Spotlight: Artifact Uprising

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Sponsor Spotlight: IXL

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Advocating for boys is one way to help boys and men thrive.

At present, there are no governmental commissions working on behalf of boys and men in the United States. Not at the federal level & not at the state level. Even though boys lag behind girls in academic achievement and boys & men experience suicide, murder, drug & alcohol addiction, homelessness, incarceration, & early death at disproportionately high rates. And even though there are multiple commissions dedicated to addressing & advancing the needs of girls and women.

Blair Daly, founder of the Washington Initiative for Boys & Men (WIBM) is working to change that.

“The male population, I think, can be described as an under-advocated-for population group,” Blair says. “There’s very little organized advocacy.”

That’s why he created WIBM, which combines advocacy journalism and grassroots political action to draw attention to the unique needs of boys and men in Washington state. As a result, Washington state may become the first state in the US to establish a Commission on Boys & Men.

“Without a focus on the male population, we think a lot is being missed,” Blair says. Advocacy is necessary to focus attention on (& find solutions for) issues that disproportionately harm boys & men.

In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Blair discuss:

• Why boys need advocacy
• Challenges in advocating for boys & men
• Developing and demonstrating diverse support for boys
• How to talk about boys’ issues
• The power of local advocacy
• Why moms of boys are such great advocates for boys
• How to start advocating for boys

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Washington Initiative for Boys & Men

7 Democrats, 7 Republicans Sponsor 2024 Commission on Boys & Men Legislation — article highlighting the diverse support for a WA Commission on Boys & Men

Updated one-pager about WA legislation to develop a Commission on Boys & Men

What is the Washington Initiative for Boys & Men? Blair Daly Explains — YouTube video

Boys Moms as Boy Advocates — ON BOYS episode featuring Gemma Gaudette

50/50 Shared Parenting — ON BOYS episode

Real Talk about Fentanyl, Opioids, & Marijuana — ON BOYS episode

Talk with Boys Like a PRO (about anything & everything!) — Jen & Janet’s upcoming course (starts May 7, 2024)

Sponsor Spotlight: My Life in a Book

Sponsor Spotlight: Armoire

Clothing rental subscription that makes getting dressed easier. Visit armoire.style/ONBOYS to get up to 50% OFF your first month.

Sponsor Spotlight: ByHeart 

Get 10% off your first order using code ONBOYS at byheart.com

Sponsor Spotlight: Factor 

Use code ONBOYS50 for 50% off 

Modern male puberty starts earlier than you think.

It may start as early as age 9 in boys – which means that the mood swings you’re seeing in your 10-year-old son could well be puberty-related. After all, as Cara Natterson & Vanessa Kroll Bennett write in their book This is So Awkward: Modern Puberty Explained, “The very first sign of puberty in most kids is a slamming door.” 

Most parents of boys aren’t prepared for male puberty. (And may be in denial when the first signs start appearing.) The earliest physical symptoms of male puberty aren’t obvious & typically occur around the same time your son starts seeking more privacy. So “you might not actually know when your kid is in puberty,” Vanessa says.

Why your 10-year-old son may be acting like a 16-year-old

Sex hormones fuel the physical changes that occur during puberty. (Testosterone is the primary male sex hormone.) These hormones also have a tremendous impact on our kids’ moods and well-being. And high levels of testosterone are linked to rage, as well as boys’ “swing to silence” during puberty.

“When those hormones rise and fall, they do not do so gracefully,” says Cara, a pediatrician. “They do not do so slowly. It’s high, high, HIGH, rapid surge, and then you’re off the edge of the cliff and you’re pummeling to the floor. Those hormones drop and bottom out.” These swings can happen in a matter of hours. And that, Cara says, “is what you are seeing when your kid behaves like a jerk.”

Kids don’t enjoy those sudden shifts and swings either. “Their brain is being bathed in a stew of hormones that is not familiar to them, and they don’t know how to manage how they feel as a result of this cocktail that is saturating all of the neurons in the brain,” Cara says.

Boys’ brains are still maturing during puberty too. They don’t yet have fully mature emotional regulation systems. And while they need to learn how to control their behavior, it takes time (and, typically, many mistakes) to develop consistent behavioral control. So, parents, educators, and other adults need to extend grace and compassion to tweens and teens.

“We have to give them the benefit of the doubt,” Vanessa says. “And give them a way back. They don’t feel good when they get that angry or emotional or react violently. They may feel ashamed or embarrassed.”

Surviving your son’s adolescence

It is completely normal to feel grief, doubt, anger, and fear as your son moves through puberty. During adolescence, boys (and girls) pull away from their parents. That separation is necessary and normal, but can feel like rejection to parents. It’s okay to grieve and feel sad. Take comfort, though, in the fact that boys typically “come back” to their parents as they reach the far side of puberty.

Your son may well be annoying, thoughtless, disrespectful, disorganized, smelly, and messy during puberty. None of that means he’ll end up that way as an adult. And none of it means that you’re doing (or have done) something wrong.

“The path to building kind, empathic, loving, thoughtful men is a very windy, bumpy road,” Vanessa says. “And at every step of the way, it can be really tempting to lose faith.”

When a boy reacts angrily or violently, stay calm. Give them space. Connect with them after they’ve cooled down. During calmer times, teach & talk about emotions. Navigate puberty along your son, seeking support as needed.

In this episode, Jen, Cara, & Vanessa discuss:

• The #1 question Cara & Vanessa get about male puberty
• Acknowledging the grief & sadness you may feel as your son enters puberty
• Building men
• How (& why) hormones affect teen boys’ behavior
• Puberty & perimenopause
• Helping boys manage their mood swings
• Wet dreams
• Talking about safer sex, contraception, family planning, intimacy, consent, & loving relationships

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

This is So Awkward: Modern Puberty Explained, by Cara Natterson, MD & Vanessa Kroll Bennett

lessawkward.com — Cara & Vanessa’s website (includes links to their books, newsletter, podcast, & talks)

The Puberty Podcast — Cara & Vanessa’s podcast (Don’t miss Jen on their podcast — Building Boys with Jennifer Fink)

Decoding Boys w Dr. Cara Natterson –– ON BOYS episode

The Truth About Parenting Teen Boys — the famous BuildingBoys post about 14-yr-old boys being a**holes

Puberty, Perimenopause, & Midlife Parenting — ON BOYS episode

Guy Stuff: The Body Book for Boys, by Cara Natterson

Guy Stuff Feelings: Everything You Need to Know About Your Emotions, by Cara Natterson

Sponsor Spotlight: HomeThreads

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If you think you don’t know anybody who takes opioids, have you asked?

Those are the words of Julia Pinksy, an Oregon-based mom who lost her son to an opioid overdose.

“It’s been 10 years since he passed,” she says,”which seems unbelievable.”

In the years since, Julia has devoted herself to opioid overdose education and prevention. Today, she teaches others about opioids & Narcan.

Opioid Addiction Can Affect Anyone

Opioids don’t discriminate. Although some people may be more biologically or psychologcially susceptible to addition than others, anyone can become addicted.

“Anyone — it doesn’t matter how intelligent, how educated, how knowledgable about drugs you are — it doesn’t stop your body or mind from becoming reliant on it,” Julia says.

Narcan Saves Lives

Naloxone (better known as Narcan) can immediately reverse the effects of opioids – & save lives. That’s why Julia thinks that every parent should have – & learn how to use — naloxone. It’s also a good idea to teach your kids how to use it.

In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Julia discuss:

• Why all parents need to know about opioids & narcan
• Why some people are so susceptiable to opioid addiction
• Appropriate management of prescription opioid medication
• How Narcan works
• Signs of an opioid overdose
• How to administer naloxone

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Max’s Mission – non-profit organization dedicated to overdose education & prevention

Real Talk About Fentanyl, Opioids, & Marijuana — ON BOYS episode

Sponsor Spotlight: ByHeart 

Get 10% off your first order using code ONBOYS at byheart.com

Sponsor Spotlight: Winona

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Sponsor Spotlight: EZ Melts

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Sponsor Spotlight: Dabble & Dollop

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Sponsor Spotlight: Armoire

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Jaclyn Greenberg often feels like she’s living a divided life.

When her daughter was born, there was music and laughter in the birthing room. When her disabled son was born, there was no music. No laughter. In fact, everyone swept out of the room soon after the baby’s birth, taking him with them. Jacyln hadn’t even had a chance to say hello.

Raising a disabled son alongside two typically-developing children (her daughter and youngest son) presents unique challenges and opportunities.

“I’ve learned, from my son, how to advocate for and speak up for my son, and it’s taught me how to do that for myself and other people in my family,” says Jaclyn, a writer who’s working on a memoir that’s tentatively titled Keeping Us Together. “There’s something about having children that makes you brave in a way you haven’t been before.”

Advocating for inclusion

Henry, Jacyln’s disabled son, will likely never walk or talk. The world at large isn’t very accessible to those who don’t walk and talk (or see, hear, speak, sense, and act like most others), so it’s difficult for Jacklyn’s family to do things together.

“I don’t want my husband to take my son and I take the other two. I don’t want us to have to divide and conquer,” she says. “I want us to experience life together.”

Henry’s siblings have long found ways to include him. “They will go to people’s houses on Halloween and say, ‘My brother can’t come up here because you have stairs. Could you please come downstairs?'” Jacyln says.

Others aren’t always accommodating, and too many people don’t make an effort to include people with disabilities. Some people even instruct their young kids to “look away” when they see a person with disabilities. These parents may believe they’re teaching their children not to stare at people who look or act differently, but it’s better, Jacyln says, to model curiosity and kindness.

“To me, the worst thing someone can say is, ‘don’t stare; look away,’ because they’re teaching a child to ignore somebody who looks different rather than to learn about them and engage with them,” she says. “It’s okay to stumble. It’s okay to say the wrong thing. Ask what’s the right thing. Ask ‘how can I include you?'”

In this episode, Janet & Jaclyn discuss:

• Parenting typically-developing & disabled children
• Inclusion & accessibility
• Managing mom guilt
• Pulling together a team of specialists
• Advocating for your disabled child
• Resources for parents of disabled boys
• Asking for (& receiving) help

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

jaclyngreenbergwriter.com – Jaclyn’s website

What My Children’s Relationship Taught Me About Accessibility & Inclusion — ScaryMommy article by Jaclyn

How an Adaptive Game Controller Helps My Family Bond – Wired article by Jaclyn

Sponsor Spotlight: Dabble & Dollop

Natural bath products for kids. Visit dabbleandollop.com/onboys to get 20% OFF your first order!

Sponsor Spotlight: HomeThreads

Make your home family friendly. Use this link to get 15% off.

Sponsor Spotlight: American Blossom Linens

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Simplicity parenting, in many ways, is the antithesis of modern parenting. 

Simplicity parenting prioritizes a balanced schedule, predictable rhythm, and decluttered, information-filtered family environment, while most modern families rush from one activity to the next and live with crammed-full schedules in an information-soaked environment.

Kim John Payne, author of Simplicity Parenting: Using the Extraordinary Power of Less to Raise Calmer, Happier, and More Secure Kids, was an undergrad psychology student when he first noticed striking similarities in the behavior of PTSD-affected soldiers, teenagers who grew up in abusive homes, and children who lived in warzones. “They were nervous, jumpy, hyperactive, and overstretched,” Payne says. Their nervous systems were hyperactive and hyper-attuned to the environment.

In a few years, Payne began noticing similar behavior in children all over and surmised that there must be an “undeclared war on childhood,” as the kids exhibited all the signs of living in a war zone. But there were no battle lines, fronts, or bomb craters. Instead, these kids (and their families) lived quite ordinary lives. However, by that time, “overwhelmed family life had become the new normal.” And that new normal was not at all kid-friendly.

“It became more and more obvious that children, and especially boys, were living in a child-hostile environment,” he says. As a result, kids’ nervous systems were “out of whack” and many kids were (and are) in a near-constant state of fight-flight-freeze-or-flock. Kids (and boys especially) often reacted “as if their lives depended on it,” when they were asked to do something as simple as putting a coat on.

Simplicity is the Antidote to Overwhelm

The antidote to constant overwhelm is simple, Payne says. It’s simplicity.

He advises parents to “dial back” and simplify their lives, and the results have been remarkable.

“I can’t tell you how many parents have said, ‘I feel like I’ve gotten my boy back.'” Payne says. Many parents also notice that their boys are back to their “quirky selves.”

It’s not easy, however, to push back against the status quo. “The difficulty comes when we look around our neighborhoods,” Payne says. “There are so many parents that have normalized what is not normal for a child’s nervous system.” But deliberately simplifying your lives — cutting out extraneous extracurricular activities, limiting screen time and info exposure, and prioritizing play, family, and connections, can pay dividends.

“If we’ve built in time and balance in a boy’s life, and slowly built in time in nature, time with family, time with friends, that morphs into a strong inner loci” for the boy, Payne says. “As young men, they are much stronger and defined in who they are.”

In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Kim discuss:

• The genesis of the simplicity parenting movement
• Why simplifying family life can improve boys’ behavior
• The link between “quirks,” disordered behaviors, and gifts
• How (& why) dialing back stress helps reveal boys’ gifts
• Balancing you family’s schedule
• Why delayed gratification and anticipation are good for kids
• Increasing boys’ connection to nature
• The importance of play
• Helping kids connect to “their own true north”
• How simplifying family life will prepare your son for jobs of the future
• Benefits of simplicity parenting for parents

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

SimplicityParenting.com — Kim’s website (includes links to the Simplicity Starter Kit, his podcast, and more)

Simplicity Parenting: Using the Extraordinary Power of Less to Raise Calmer, Happier, and More Secure Kids, by Kim John Payne

Video Game Addiction — ON BOYS episode

Richard Louv on Animals, Nature, and Boys — ON BOYS episode

Finding Ecohappiness –ON BOYS episode

Sponsor Spotlight: Green Chef

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Need help with your boys?

Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin

Join Janet Allison’s real-time, monthly group coaching program, Decoding Your Boy 

Midlife parenting often means navigating puberty and perimenopause at the same time.

The average age of first parenthood has increased in recent years, so many moms now find themselves going thru perimenopause around the same time their kids hit puberty, according to a 2021 New York Times Parenting Newsletter article titled, When Your Home is a Hormonal Hellscape.

And while thinking of your home as a “hormonal hellscape” may not be soothing, it’s refreshing to hear honest talk about midlife parenting.

“Sometimes people try to soft pedal the challenges,” says Ann Douglas, author of the best selling MOTHER OF ALL BOOKS series and Parenting Through the Storm, a book about parenting children through psychological problems. “Let’s be real about it.”

That’s exactly what Douglas does in her latest book, Navigating the Messy Middle: A Fiercely Honest & Wildly Encouraging Guide for Midlife Women.

Similarities Between Puberty & Midlife

“When you’re at midlife, you tend to start questioning everything,” Douglas says. “It’s a lot like the identity quest of adolescence.”

Understanding that fact may make you more empathetic to the changes (and mood swings!) your child is experiencing. Many midlife adults and teens are asking themselves, How do I fit into the world? 

Midlife Parents Need Support & Community

“I am such a believer in peer support,” Douglas says. “You want to talk to someone who knows just how hard it is – and who won’t judge — and that some from layers and layers of shared experience. We were never meant to go through any life stage on our own.”

Support and community can be found online or in person. “You can process a lot of the thinking and learning together,” says Douglas, who believes that her younger self would be surprised to discover what a joyous stage midlife can be. “It literally feels like I was running a marathon for decades – and then suddenly, the race didn’t matter as much and it was more about feeling happy with who I am and my contributions to the world. I feel like I can enjoy and savor.”

In this episode, Jen & Ann discuss:

• Perimenopause as “reverse puberty”
• How midlife sneaks up on us
• Feeling invisible
• Money and work at midlife
• Addressing perimenopause symptoms
• Real self-care

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

anndouglas.ca — Ann’s website

Navigating the Messy Middle: A Fiercely Honest & Wildly Encouraging Guide for Midlife Women, by Ann Douglas

When Your Home is a Hormonal Hellscape — NYT article

Midlife Reimagined — Ann’s Psychology Today blog

Parenting Through the Storm: Find Help, Hope, and Strength When Your Child Has Psychological Problems, by Ann Douglas

Author Ann Douglas on How to Help Boys with Mental Health Problems — Building Boys post

Trying Again: A Guide to Pregnancy After Miscarriage, Stillbirth, and Infant Loss, by Ann Douglas

Sponsor Spotlight: Better Help

Therapy to help you live a more empowered life. Go to BetterHelp.com/onboys to save 10%

Supporting LGBTQ+ kids helps them become healthy adults.

Jo Langford is a father, therapist, and author of The Pride Guide: A Guide to Social and Sexual health for LGBTQ Youth and Spare Me “The Talk!” (for both boy-identified and girl-identified youth). He helps kids and parents navigate sexuality, gender, media, and technology.

Supporting LGBTQ+ Kids

Rule of thumb: Never out someone. The decision to disclose (or not disclose) one’s sexual orientation is an individual one. You should not out anyone without their consent, Jo says.

Kids, however, may unintentionally or deliberately reveal private information about friends and acquaintances, and when that happens, the child whose privacy has been violated may feel distress. Sadly, some kids are still bullied for their sexual orientation or gender identity.

One of our jobs as parents is “to protect our kids,” Jo says. Unfortunately, we can’t control the behavior of others, so “one way of doing that with a queer kid is letting them know that there are places and times that may be more dangerous to you,” he says. You may need to discuss things such as potential reactions to holding hands in public in particular cities or countries.

Jo also says it’s important for parents to queer kids to become part of the queer community — to familiarize yourself with the history, culture, and traditions of the community. “Support the art and companies and jump into that with your kid,” he says.

If you’re navigating evolving gender identity, give yourself grace. Even the most accepting, supportive parents, family members, and loved ones struggle with pronouns and language, especially at first. Do your best. Apologize when you get it wrong. Educate yourself. You can even say to your child, “Tell me what words to use. What do you want me to say when I talk to other people about you?”

In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Jo discuss:

• Supporting LGBTQ+ kids who are being bullied
• Personal pronouns, trans kids, & evolving language
• When to involve the school or other parents
• Talking about marijuana, pot, cannabis
• Why Gen Z is so anxious

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

behereos.net — Jo’s website, featuring his talks, speaking schedule & free downloads (including Porn: The Guide to a Healthy Grab-It Habit)

Spare Me ‘The Talk!’: A Guy’s Guide to Sex, Relationship, and Growing Up, by Jo Langford

The Pride Guide: A Guide to Sexual and Social Health for LGBTQ Youth, by Jo Langford

21st Century Sex Ed w Jo Langford –– ON BOYS episode

Which Apps are APPropriate? (w Jo Langford) — ON BOYS episode

Sponsor Spotlight: Better Help

Therapy to help you live a more empowered life. Go to BetterHelp.com/onboys to save 10%

Sponsor Spotlight: Baby Quip

Use code ONBOYS for $20 off your reservation of $100 or more.

50/50 shared parenting is good for boys & good for parents. 

But it’s not yet the norm, despite decades of research demonstrating the value of shared parenting.

“It’s one part sexism and one part misunderstanding of the latest social science around what it best for kids,” says Emma Johnson, author of The 50/50 Solution: The Surprising Simple Choice that Makes Moms, Dads, and Kids Happier & Healthier After a Divorce. “”Thankfully, we are barreling toward a better future. No one’s really been able to quantify where or how often 50/50 is happening, but it’s definitely better than when I divorced 15 years ago.”

Why 50/50 parenting should be the default

Children (and parents) thrive when they have regular, close connection. The exact number of minutes or days children and parents spend together isn’t as important as regular, routine interaction — and that’s what 50/50 shared parenting schedules provide.

“Kids then know, intellectually, emotionally, and in their hearts that my mom and dad are both in it to win it. No one’s going to check out, slip out, or move away. No one’s got the upper hand,” Emma says.

Shared parenting also gives both parents time to practice parenting and time to focus on work, adult connections, and self-care. And seeing both parents actively involved in parenting and work broadens children’s ideas of work and family. As Emma writes in her book, “An equal 50/50 parenting presumption is the one policy change that could dramatically help tens of millions of children, their families, and communities, without any additional funding.”

In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Emma discuss:

• Benefits of shared parenting for parents & children
• The role of sexism in parenting – & parenting decisions post-divorce
• Why you need to let go of the idea of being the “better” parent
• Parental gatekeeping
• Sharing caregiving and financial responsibility
• Co-parenting when your separation or divorce was not amicable
• Societal benefits of 50/50 parenting

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

The 50/50 Solution: The Surprising Simple Choice that Makes Moms, Dads, and Kids Happier & Healthier After a Divorce, by Emma Johnson

Single Parenting w Wealthy Single Mommy Emma Johnson –– ON BOYS episode

Parenting Boys Thru Divorce — ON BOYS episode

Is Shared Parenting Best for Boys After Divorce? — BuildingBoys post

Moms for Shared Parenting –– an activist organization promoting equally shared parenting 

Sponsor Spotlight: Armoire

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Jen’s Feb. Armoire haul

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Kids can thrive at any size, says Jill Castle, a pediatric dietician, parent, and author of Kids Thrive at Any Size: How to Nourish Your Big, Small, or In-Between Child for a Lifetime of Health & Happiness.

Takeaways:

• Feeding kids in a healthy way can be challenging, but it’s important to raise children of all sizes to be physically healthy and emotionally well.
• Family culture plays a significant role in shaping children’s attitudes towards food and body size.
• Body neutrality focuses on the functionality of the body rather than its appearance, promoting acceptance and self-love.
• Growth charts are a tool for tracking a child’s growth over time, but they should not be used to define a child’s health or worthiness.
• Parents can advocate for their children by addressing biases and stigma related to body size, both within the extended family and in healthcare settings.
• Creating a positive meal environment and supporting children’s individual appetites can help build healthy eating habits.
• Parents should prioritize sleep, as it plays a crucial role in children’s growth and appetite regulation.
• Health should be measured by factors beyond weight, such as blood pressure, respiratory rate, and cardiovascular fitness.

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

jillcastle.com — Jill’s website

Kids Thrive at Any Size: How to Nourish Your Big, Small, or In-Between Child for a Lifetime of Health & Happiness — Jill’s latest book

The Nourished Child — Jill’s podcast

Picky Eaters, Family Meals, & Nutrition — ON BOYS episode

Sponsor Spotlight: Lumen

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Sponsor Spotlight: Armoire

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Sponsor Spotlight: Avoila

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Sponsor Spotlight: Artifact Uprising

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Sponsor Spotlight: IXL

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What do boys need to know about birth, babies, and breastfeeding? 

A lot more than we’re currently teaching them. According to the U.S. Centers for Disease Control & Prevention (CDC), 83.2% infants born in 2019 (the last year for which data is available) started out receiving some breast milk, and 78.6% were receiving any breast milk at 1 month. At 6 months, 55.8% of infants received any breast milk and 24.9% received breast milk exclusively. Breastfeeding rates tend to decline over time due to systemc medical and cultural barriers, says Lo Nigrosh, a birth doula and a international board certified lactation consultant.

Think about it: Boys who don’t learn about birth, babies, or breastfeeding grow up into men who who don’t understand birth, babies, or breastfeeding. Some will become fathers who unwittingly undercut their partners’ confidence. Some will become employers and legislators who pass policies and laws that don’t consider the realities of birth and infant feeding.

“Unless we specifically teach boys about breastfeeding” and birth, then they aren’t going to know about it or be able to provide the physical, logistical, and emotional support their future spouses, partners, and friends may need, says Lo, who also hosts The Milk Making Minutes podcast. Guys “aren’t just going to magically understand milk supply once they become adults, if we don’t start this education early and don’t expose them to all types of baby feeding.”

In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Lo discuss:

• Why boys need to know about birth, babies & breastfeeding
• How to talk to & teach boys about breastfeeding and other infant feeding techniques
• Supporting boys who play with dolls and mimic breastfeeding
• Teaching boys about menstruation & female reproduction
• Why robotic babies may not be the best way to teach boys (or girls) about families & infant care

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

The Milk Making Minutes podcast — Lo’s podcast

www.quabbinbirthservices.com – Lo’s website

Building Boys: Raising Great Guys in a World That Misunderstands Males — Jen’s book

Secrets of the Elephants — documentary series

Buffy & Big Bird breasfeeding clip

Sponsor Spotlight: Better Help

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Sponsor Spotlight: Baby Quip

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How do you make space for a teenage boy to make his own mistakes?

Photo by olia danilevich via Pexels

Especially when said teenager is frustrating, annoying, and contributing to family chaos?

Sandra said:

Teenager years are frustrating — wanting to tell him what do, yet I know he needs to make his own mistakes. Throw in toddler boy hitting/screaming at his brother….

She is definitely not the only parent wondering how to deal with a teen boys & balance the needs of siblings! That’s we tackled her question first in this edition of ON BOYS Listener Q & A.

“It can be really hard to step back and let things unfold — let your teen be the one that has to navigate,” Janet says. She recommends talking about that with your teen. Say something like, “It is really hard to watch you make mistakes. I am here for you. I trust that you can figure this out on your own. And if need help, I am here.”

Other listener questions include:

My sons turned 18 yesterday and are in their last year of high school! I understand the natural and necessary pulling away from parents (especially moms) and establishing themselves as men. Is it possible to release them vs. them tearing away? If so, what does that look like?

and

How & what do you prioritize? I’m a single mom with 3 sons. I can’t do homework, home cooked meals, sports practice and read with them every night, so what to prioritize, who to prioritize and what to let go?

and

Should I punish the boys by taking away screen time if they get bad grades? Taking away screens is the only punishment that works.

In this episode, Jen & Janet discuss:

• Parenting teen & toddler boys
• Launching teenagers & young adult men
• “Soiling the nest”
• Asking for help
• How to create a dinner co-op
• Dealing with “bad grades”
• Nurturing connection

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Listener Q & A: Supporting Sibling Relationships, Finding Common Ground, & More — Jan. ’23 ON BOYS episode

Puberty, Perimenopause, & Midlife Parenting — ON BOYS episode

The Art of Roughhousing (w Dr. Lawrence Cohen) — ON BOYS episode

More Wisdom from Teacher Tom — ON BOYS episode

How to Build Your Village — ON BOYS episode

Sponsor Spotlight: Better Help

Therapy to help you live a more empowered life. Go to BetterHelp.com/onboys to save 10%

Sponsor Spotlight: Baby Quip

Use code ONBOYS for $20 off your reservation of $100 or more.

Parental accommodation can limit the skill development of kids with (and without) ADHD. 

Many boys with ADHD or other executive function challenges struggle despite diagnosis, treatment, and well-intended help — in part because they and their family have received less-than-stellar advice and support. And because loving families often unwittingly accommodate (and reinforce) undesirable behavior.

“Most families of children with ADHD are unintentionally misled when they receive a diagnosis,” says Ryan Wexelblatt, aka ADHD Dude. “They’re not provided with comprehensive information about what ADHD is, and they’re also directed to treatments with are not recommended by the American Academy of Pediatrics.”

Parenting training is recommended as a first step for kids ages 6 and younger — and parent training should be delivered in conjunction with medication management and, if necessary, school support for kids older than age 6. Parent/child interactions are foundational to helping a child develop executive functioning skills.

Parental Accommodation Cycle

Unfortunately, parents sometimes unintentionally reinforce the inflexibility and anxiety that’s common in kids with ADHD and executive function challenges.

“Parental accommodation is when parents change their behavior to alleviate or avoid their child’s temporary distress,” Ryan says. It’s often done out of love — and fear. Doing so may avoid some conflict, but it allows unhelpful behaviors to continue.

Although sparing your child pain and discomfort may seem like a kind, compassionate thing to do, you may be robbing your child of the opportunity to develop self-confidence and resilience. In fact, there’s a relationship between parental accommodation and “failure to launch,” which occurs when young people do not take on adult roles or increasing responsibility.

But over-protection and accommodation have almost become societal norms.It’s difficult to push back against cultural pressure and parent differently than others. Many of us are also afraid of harming our kids.

“There’s so much fear, from parents, that they’re going to somehow damage their child by putting expectations on them or requiring them to persevere through temporary discomfort,” Ryan says. “Children are not fragile. But when you treat them as if they are fragile, they receive the message that they are fragile.”

Breaking the Parental Accommodation Cycle

You can break this unhelpful cycle by asking yourself, What am I doing for my child that they could be doing alone? Your child might not yet have the skills to do the task independently, but when you identify what they could be doing, you can begin teaching them the necessary skills and gradually release responsibility.

Don’t get sucked into the “negotiation vortex.” Don’t give an audience to negative behavior or maltreatment Reinforce (and praise) positive behaviors. And enlist supportive individuals who can help you and your child.

Things may be rough when you first stop accommodating your child. But eventually, home life (and your relationship)will become more peaceful. Your child will also be more capable — and confident.

In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Ryan discuss:

• Common misunderstandings about ADHD and executive function
• Recommended, evidence-based treatments for ADHD
• Parental accommodation
• Accommodation vs. support
• Young adults’ “failure to launch”
• Scaffolding new skills
• Breaking the parental accommodation cycle
• Learning to tolerate your child’s temporary discomfort
• Enlisting to support to develop your child’s skills
• Constructive vs. destructive shame

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

ADHD Dude — the online home of Ryan’s ADHD work

ADHD Dude YouTube channel

ADHD with Ryan Wexelblatt the ADHD Dude — ON BOYS episode

Teaching Boys Social Skills –– our first ON BOYS episode w Ryan!

It’s a Confusing Time to Be a Boy — another ON BOYS episode featuring Ryan

Constant Chaos Parenting with ADHD — ON BOYS episode

Helping Boys with Executive Function Challenges –– ON BOYS episode

Nurtured Heart Institute — learn more about the Nurtured Heart approach mentioned by Ryan

Sponsor Spotlight: Stokke

Sponsor Spotlight: Better Help

Therapy to help you live a more empowered life. Go to BetterHelp.com/onboys to save 10%

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Jen wearing Mommy MakeupNeed help with your boys?

Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin

Join Janet Allison’s real-time, monthly group coaching program, Decoding Your Boy 

Division 51 of the American Psychological Association launched a Task Force on Boys in School in 2020.

Finally!

Boys do worse in school, on average, than girls. Boys are more likely to be disciplined, suspended, or expelled than girls — even when their behavior is similar. They’re also less likely to graduate or go onto college and graduate from college.

These facts aren’t new. Boys have been struggling for decades. 

“We are very late to the game,” says Christopher Reigeluth, PhD, an assistant professor in the Division of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry at Oregon Health and Science University and chair of the Boys in School task force. “Lots of people are late to the game in this regard. I can take some pride in the fact that we got this task force going and are trying to build awareness of this decades-long issue.”

Why It’s Taken So Long to Address Boys’ Issues in School

Because men still predominate in positions of power, many people assume boys are doing just fine.

“The light doesn’t get shined on boys and men for their difficulties and issues and mental health struggles the way that it needs to, and those things can get overlooked. And have been overlooked for a long time,” Chris says. Additionally, he says, “the ‘guy code’ doesn’t want there to be acknowledgment of the fact that boys suffer, or boys feel vulnerability and have weaknesses and insecurities, even though everyone does.”

Why Boys Struggle in School

Educators’ perceptions (and expectations) of boys affect boys’ educational experiences. “Boys as a group experience implicit biases against them,” Chris says.

He also believes that boys’ socialization leads many of them to devalue school and education. “a lot of that comes from messages they get about how they should be as guys, and what society tells them is appropriate versus not appropriate behavior,” he says. Boys’ beliefs about masculinity can exacerbate their issues with school.

What the Task Force is Doing – & What You Can Do

The task force has created (and is disseminating) a variety of fact sheets:

• Exploring Boys’ (Mis)Behavior
• Learning Disabilities
• High Achieving Boys

Parents and others concerned about boys can also vote for school board members and legislators who care about boys’ issues and education. We can also communicate the importance of education to our boys.Schools and teachers must also create safe, welcoming spaces for boys. 

In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Chris discuss:

• Chris’ experience as a boy in school
• Parenting “underperforming” boys
• What teachers (don’t) learn about boys
• Implicit bias against boys
• How race and gender affect boys’ schooling
• How parents and educators can help boys in school

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

www.division51.net/taskforce-on-boys-in-school — Task Force website

chrisreigeluth.com — Chris’ website

The Gender Equation in Schools — ON BOYS episode

How Microschools & Black Moms May End the School to Prison Pipeline — ON BOYS episode

Forest Schools Get Boys Learning Naturally — ON BOYS episode

Homeschool Hacks & How to Homeschool Boys –– ON BOYS episode

Emails & Phone Calls from Teachers — ON BOYS episode

How to Raise a Boy with Michael C. Reichert — ON BOYS episode

The Masculinity Workbook for Teens: Discover What Being a Guy Means to You — workbook by Chris

Health education varies greatly from place to place.

Some boys receive great, age-appropriate, inclusive health education at school. Others do not. “It’s pretty inconsistent,” says Christopher Pepper, a health educator who currently teaches in the San Francisco Unified School District & is working on a book called TALK TO YOUR BOYS: 27 Crucial Conversations Parents Need to Have with Boys Today – and How to Start Having Them. “What’s covered is pretty different and how the subject is approached is handled very differently.”

Young men’s health groups can be particularly helpful, as they give boys a chance to discuss masculinity and relationships as well as health topics. “There’s a real hunger among boys to talk about the real issues in their lives,” Christopher says. “Teenage boys are figuring out their attitudes about sexuality and gender, so having a place to talk about the celebrity that just came out as nonbinary” is helpful, he says.

Adults with work with teenage boys should lead with curiosity and give boys space to express their thoughts and opinions. “Coming at someone with criticism, even if they’ve said something offensive” is not as helpful as asking questions, such as What do you mean by that? Adults who listen with genuine curiosity are better positioned to then provide additional context and feedback.

Contrary to popular belief, “Boys have a lot of capacity and interest in talking about emotions and relationships,” Christopher says. “Boys are really hungry for those kinds of conversations and interested in exploring their values and ideas.” Unfortunately, many boys don’t get the opportunity to discuss those topics in a deep and rich way with their peers or caring adults. Prioritizing those conversations is one important thing adults can do to support boys’ health and development.

In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Christopher discuss:

• The current state of health education
• Creating safe spaces for boys to talk and learn
• Modeling healthy communication skills
• Getting boys to talk to you
• Talking to boys about racist or homophobic slurs
• The need for more males in education & caring careers

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Teen Health Today — Christopher’s Substack newsletter

mrhealthteacher.com — Christopher’s website

Teacher Tom Talks About Boys, Emotions, & Play — ON BOYS episode

cdc.gov/healthyyouth/index.htm — CDC site with links to adolescent and school health resources (including the Health Education Curriculum Analysis Tool (HECAT)

amaze.org — health, relationship, and sex education material (great to share w your kids!)

The New Drug Talk — website w resources to talk about fentanyl

Sponsor Spotlight: Baby Quip

Use code ONBOYS for $20 off your reservation of $100 or more.

Sponsor Spotlight: Better Help

Therapy to help you live a more empowered life. Go to BetterHelp.com/onboys to save 10%

Boys need support, not disdain

In June 2024, Andrew Reiner, author of Better Boys, Better Men: The New Masculinity That Creates Greater Courage and Emotional Resiliency, published an article entitled “Our culture’s trashing of boys & men is having toxic consequences.”

In this episode, he and Jen discuss what boys need & we can best support boys.

Takeaways:

• Boys need support, not disdain.
• Cultural perceptions of masculinity can be harmful.
• Media often portrays boys negatively.
• Boys are falling behind in education.
• It’s important to understand boys’ emotional needs.
• Parents and educators play a crucial role.
• Challenging traditional masculinity is necessary.
• Creating safe spaces for boys is essential.
• Engaging boys in education requires new approaches.
• Researching boys’ experiences is vital for change.

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

andrewreinerauthor.com –– Andrew’s website

Andrew Reiner: Building Boys’ Mental Health & Resiliency — ON BOYS episode

Better Boys, Better Men: The New Masculinity that Creates Greater Courage and Emotional Resiliency, by Andrew Reiner

The Trouble with Boys Isn’t Boys — article by Andrew

Young, Male, & Adrift — article by Andrew

Boys are Great shop — boy-affirming merch!

Sponsor Spotlight: Hello Fresh

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Sponsor Spotlight: IXL

The world’s most popular subscription-based learning site for K–12! Get 20% off at ixl.com/TODAY

Sponsor Spotlight: Avoila

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Gifted & twice-exceptional boys often struggle in school, despite their intelligence & talents.

In fact, boys who are gifted or twice-exceptional (which means they are gifted & have a learning disability) are considered “problem kids.” Teachers (and other adults) may make boredom as lack of focus, or assume that poor grades indicate lack of intelligence. For many 2E boys, their learning disabilities overshadow their giftedness; for others, their giftedness hides their learning disabilities, says Deborah (Deb) Gennarelli, a gifted education specialist who is also the author of Twice-Exceptional Boys: A Roadmap to Getting it Right. 

Intensity is part of giftedness — a part that frequently presents challenges for gifted & 2E boys. “Intensity is treated different in boys than in girls in this culture,” Deb says. Teachers & parents may punish or try to “fix” boys’ intensity, which typically only creates more problems.

Gifted & 2E boys need support to thrive. “We can’t ignore the fact that students that have high intelligence look at things in different ways, behave in different ways, learn in different ways,” Deb says. “With the right support, these boys can go from surviving to thriving.”

In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Deb discuss:

• Myths & misconceptions about gifted & 2E boys
• Special challenges for gifted & 2E boys
• Why many smart boys struggle in school
• Advocating for gifted & 2E boys
• Parenting gifted & 2E boys

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Twice-Exceptional Boys: A Roadmap to Getting it Right, by Deborah Gennarelli, M.Ed.

www.deborahgennarelli.com — Deb’s website

Twice-Exceptional Boys (w Ramsey Hootman) — ON BOYS episode

When Your Kid is the Classroom Problem Child — heartbreaking The Cut article about a 2E boy

Twice Exceptional Students — info from the National Association for Gifted Children

Twice Exceptional — classic Building Boys post

Talk with Boys Like a PRO (about anything & everything!) — Jen & Janet’s upcoming course (starts May 7, 2024)

Sponsor Spotlight: My Life in a Book

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Jen’s Feb. Armoire haul

Dr. Lisa Damour says that adults should consider the barriers boys face when it comes to emotional connection and expression. 

"Gender is such a huge force in how emotion is expressed, and perhaps even in how emotion is experienced," says Dr. Damour. "If a boy doesn’t feel that he has permission to let people know he’s hurting, it’s a good bet that he will discharge his unwanted emotions by acting out."

To Connect with Teens, Learn About Their Emotions

Dr. Damour served as an advisor on one of this summer's most popular films, Inside Out 2. (Haven't seen it yet? Go! It'll give you great insight into what's going on inside the brain of your teen.)

Boys may restrict their emotional expression due to societal pressures and gender norms. Dr. Damour highlights the stark contrast between the emotional expression allowed for girls and boys in our culture. Girls, she says, generally have a "wide emotional highway" to express a range of emotions, while boys are restricted to a "two-lane highway." And while it’s natural for humans to cry, boys who do so often face ridicule and social pressure, especially in environments like school.

Dr. Damour suggests that parents and educators can help boys by creating spaces for physical and alternative forms of emotional expression. Unlike the cultural preference for verbal expressions of emotion, many boys and men (and some girls, women, and nonbinary individuals) find relief through physical activities. Activities like shooting basketball hoops, running laps, or even banging on an old filing cabinet can be effective ways to discharge and process emotions.

"If it brings relief and does no harm, it’s a good coping strategy," Dr. Damour says. Additionally, music can be a powerful tool for many boys to express and regulate their emotions.

Practical Steps for Parents

To connect better with teenage boys and support their emotional development, parents can:

1. Create Safe Spaces for Emotional Expression: Encourage physical activities that help boys process their emotions. Sports, music, or even creative projects can provide an outlet for their feelings.
2. Acknowledge and Respect Gender Norms: Understand the societal pressures boys face and offer support without reinforcing harmful stereotypes. Validate their feelings and encourage healthy expression.
3. Set Clear Expectations: While understanding the pressures boys face, maintain clear expectations for respectful and kind behavior. Teach boys that while it's okay to feel anger or frustration, it's not okay to express these emotions through harmful actions.
4. Model Emotional Intelligence: Show boys how to handle emotions by modeling emotional intelligence in your behavior. Demonstrate how to talk about feelings and handle stress constructively.

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

drlisadamour.com – Lisa’s website

The Emotional Lives of Teenagers: Raising Connected, Capable, and Compassionate Adolescents — Lisa’s latest book (get the free parent discussion guide here)

Ask Lisa: The Psychology of Parenting  – podcast hosted by Lisa Damour & Reena Ninan

Teen Boys’ Emotional Lives — ON BOYS episode

Managing Emotions — ON BOYS episode

Nonverbal Communication with Boys — ON BOYS episode

Sponsor Spotlight: Lumen

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 Sponsor Spotlight: Dabble & Dollop

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Our January 5 conversation with Mary Van Geffen, Parenting “Spicy” Boys, is ON BOYS’ Most Popular Episode of 2023. (And Jen’s sons’ least favorite! Gen Z defines “spicy” quite differently than we’re using it here.)

Sure, this episode, released early in the year, had the benefit of time. But Mary’s message also resonates with frustrated and overwhelmed parents of boys. As she told us,

“Spicy” boys are those who express themselves in big and loud ways, feel things intensely, and have energy to spare. They “have so much loyalty toward their own soul — and less to the adults’ agenda.”

Mary’s audience continues to grow — she has over 286,000 Instagram followers! — because parents need help supporting their strong, spicy kids. You’ll want to listen to this episode more than once because a) it contains a lot of wisdom and b) because your spicy kids are now likely challenging you in ways they weren’t the first time you listened!

In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Mary discuss:

• Characteristics of a Spicy One
• Why shame-based discipline approaches don’t work with spicy boys
• How your perceptions affect your parenting & relationship w your child
• Parenting when you are spicy or highly sensitive
• A sensual pause technique you can use to calm your nervous system
• How changing your voice can help you reach your kids
• Setting boundaries & managing others’ expectations
• Grocery shopping with boys

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

maryvangeffen.com – Mary’s website

https://www.instagram.com/maryvangeffen/ — Mary on Instagram

Highly Sensitive People Can Thrive — ON BOYS episode

Highly Sensitive Boys with William Allen — ON BOYS episode

Sensitive Boys (w Dr. Sandy Gluckman) — ON BOYS episode

Brain-Body Parenting w Dr. Mona Delahooke — ON BOYS episode

Positive Intelligence: Why Only 20% of Teams and Individuals Achieve Their True Potential and How You Can Achieve Yours — book by Shirzad Chamine (recommended by Mary)

Sponsor Spotlight: ByHeart 

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Sponsor Spotlight: Better Help

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Like most moms, Jaimie Kelton has “so many thoughts & fears on raising a boy.”

“I question myself constantly,” says Jamie, host of The Queer Family podcast and mom to two children, a 10-year-old daughter & a 6-year-old son. She knows that gender is a social construct — and also knows that gender stereotypes are extremely powerful and prevalent. When she was pregnant with her son, Jamie says, she worried that she wouldn’t be able to connect with him.

In this episode, Jaimie shares her journey and thoughts on raising a boy within a society that holds strong gender stereotypes, while also highlighting the unique challenges and joys faced by queer families.

Key Topics:

• Parenting Fears & Self-Doubt: Jaimie opens up about the common fears and constant self-questioning she experiences as a mom. Despite her awareness that gender is a social construct, she acknowledges the pervasive influence of gender stereotypes in society.
• Facing Stereotypes: While Jaimie and her wife offer their son a variety of toys and activities, he gravitates towards traditionally “boy” interests such as cars, trucks, planes, and the color blue.
• Support & Acceptance: Jaimie discusses the importance of supporting children in becoming their true selves. She emphasizes the need to parent the child you have, not the one you envisioned.
• Intentional Parenting: As part of a queer family, Jaimie highlights the intentionality required in their parenting journey. From conception to daily life, every step is deliberate and meaningful.
• Challenging Norms: Facing societal prejudice, including attempts to ban books featuring families like hers, queer families must continually think outside the box. Often, they discover joy in creating a unique lives that defy conventional paths.
• Encouragement for Other Parents: Jaimie underscores the idea that joy and fulfillment can be found by embracing one’s unique family structure and parenting style.

Memorable Quotes:

• “We want our kids to feel free to be who they are.”
• “We’re really good at thinking outside the box because we don’t fit the normal path.”
• “These are the most intentional parents. There’s no accidents in how we make a family.”

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

The Queer Family podcast — Jaime’s podcast

Supporting LGBTQ+ Kids — ON BOYS episode

Understanding Gender with Dr. Alex Iantaffi — ON BOYS episode

Sponsor Spotlight: Armoire

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Which ON BOYS episodes were the Best of 2022? 

Some of our favorites!

5. Raising LGBTQ Allies

Chris Tompkins, author of Raising LGBTQ Allies: A Parent’s Guide to Changing the Messages from the Playground, recognized the power of unspoken messages when his then 6-year-old nephew asked him — an openly gay man — if the female friend with him was his girlfriend. In that moment, Chris realized that his nephew didn’t know he was gay. In conversations with adult family members the next day, Chris learned that most believed that his nephew wasn’t “old enough to understand.”

4. How Microschools & Black Moms May End the School to Prison Pipeline

When they realized that schools wouldn’t change quickly enough to meet their kids’ needs, members of the Black Mothers Forum opened microschools, with an eye toward ending the school to prison pipeline.

Existing school leaders and educators “really did not understand how to create a safe and supportive learning environment for our Black children,” says Janelle Wood, President of The Black Mothers Forum, Inc.

3.  Myths & Misconceptions About Boys

How many do you believe?

1. “Boys are easier than girls.”
2. “Boys are less emotional than girls.”
3. “Boys leave their families when they grow up.”
4. “With boys, you don’t have to fight over clothing choices.”
5. “There’s less to worry about with a son than a daughter when they’re teenagers and dating.”

2.  Picky Eaters, Family Meals, & Nutrition

“I felt confident going into parenting!” says Rebecca Toutant, a registered dietician who began her career helping children with autism and sensory issues expand their palate. “I thought my boys would be these really wonderful, adventurous eaters and we’d sit down at the dinner table and have such peaceful family meals.”

…Children are naturally “neo-phobic,” or hesitant to try new things, Rebecca says. That’s a protective instinct. So, our kids look to us to see how we’re interacting with and reacting to food — & many, many, MANY exposures to a food (as many as 10-20) for a child to accept it.

1. Brain-Body Parenting

It’s time to “move from focusing on behaviors to focusing on how each child perceives, understands, and interprets their world,” says Dr. Delahooke, a child psychologist and author of Brain-Body Parenting: How to Stop Managing Behavior and Start Raising Joyful, Resilient Kids and Beyond Behaviors: Using Brain Science and Compassion to Understand and Solve Children’s Behavioral Challenges.

The autonomic nervous system is our “automatic nervous system,” she explains. It controls our bodies’ unconscious, non-voluntary reactions. Importantly, the triggers for each of us can be different.

A few of our other 2022 favorites:

Why are Video Games So Important to Boys?

Sex Talks w Tweens

Helping Boys Develop Healthy Body Image

Which were your favorite episodes of 2022?

Need help with your boys?

Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin

Join Janet Allison’s real-time, monthly group coaching program, Decoding Your Boy 

Dr. Lisa Damour is our go-to expert regarding the emotional lives of teens. 

She is a psychologist & author of The Emotional Lives of Teenagers: Raising Connected, Capable, and Compassionate Adolescents, and although her previous two books were a deep dive into the world of girls, she gets boys. Consider this sentence:

If a boy “doesn’t feel that he has permission to let people know he’s hurting, it’s a good bet that he will discharge his unwanted emotions by acting out.”

That one sentence – found on page 52 of the hardcover edition of her book – explains so much: Boys’ behavior at school. Door slamming, name calling and rule-breaking at home. Neighborhood fights that escalate into violence.

“Gender is such a huge force in how gender is expressed, and perhaps even in how emotion is experienced,” Lisa says. And when it comes to emotions, boys in our culture “are absolutely cornered and given so little room to work,” she says. Girls enjoy a “wide emotional highway,” with a lot of latitude to feel and express an array of emotions, while “boys are given a two-lane highway.”

Parents, teachers, and others who want to expand boys’ emotional expression, however, need to understand and respect the barriers boys face in their lives. Boys (still) pay a social price when they don’t adhere to the cultural script. Crying may be a natural, human emotion, but in most places, a 5th grade boy who cries at school will face uncomfortable social pressure and may be ridiculed. However, understanding the pressures boys face in society doesn’t mean we have to allow or tolerate rude, hateful, or unkind language or behavior. We can (and should) set expectations.

Making Space for Boys’ Emotional Expression

One thing Lisa realized, while writing her book, is how strongly our cultural seems to prefer verbal expressions of emotion over physical expression. Many boys & men (and some girls, women, and nonbinary folks) use physical activity to express and process their emotions Shooting basketball hoops, running laps, or banging on an old filing cabinet are perfectly acceptable ways to discharging and expressing emotion.

“If it brings relief and does no harm, it’s a good coping strategy,” Lisa says, noting that many boys also use music to express and regulate emotions.

In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Lisa discuss:

• Why we must consider gender when talking about & teaching emotional regulation
• The role of men in helping boys express feelings
• How boys police each others’ emotional expression
• Establishing expectations and boundaries
• Bullying
• Codeswitching
• Why it “sucks to be a 6th grade boy”
• Supporting boys’ interests
• Constructive conflict
• Setting the stage for successful conversations w boys
• Expanding boys’ emotional toolkit

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

drlisadamour.com – Lisa’s website

The Emotional Lives of Teenagers: Raising Connected, Capable, and Compassionate Adolescents — Lisa’s latest book (get the free parent discussion guide here)

Ask Lisa: The Psychology of Parenting  – podcast hosted by Lisa Damour & Reena Ninan

Teen Boys’ Emotional Lives — ON BOYS episode

Managing Emotions — ON BOYS episode

Nonverbal Communication with Boys — ON BOYS episode

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How, exactly, does one “get curious” about their son without badgering him?

That’s a big, important question, and that’s exactly what Jennifer wants to know:

Lately, as he is resisting my normal questioning…I feel like I am now pushing him to evaluate his feelings, talk to me, or just engage…I have seen this cute, fun challenge of showing a person two pieces of paper. Each one has something different written in it. The recipient who is choosing the paper has no idea what is on the other side. At one time, this fun way to choose an adventure with me would have been exciting. Today was the exact opposite. He whined, then slithered down in his seat. Covered his face. I was taken aback. So I “got curious”. I asked him what was he feeling. “I don’t know”. I asked him if he thought I would put something un-fun on them. “I don’t know.” Why. Are you feeling like a lack of control? “I don’t know”. I probed a bit more, but you get the idea…

Well-meaning mom + fun idea + teen boy = Disappointment & discomfort

Timing may have been part of the problem. When talking to teenage boys, it’s best to avoid after-school surprises. It’s better to give them a heads-up; let them know, in advance, that you want to talk with (or do something) with them – and then, together, figure out good time.

And as for getting curious, Jen reminds listeners that “getting curious” can be internal. Instead of interrogating your son, get quiet. Think about what might be going on under the surface. Read, listen, and learn about what may be going on with your son.

Other questions we address include:

My son had undiagnosed learning differences for many years. We have changed schools a few times, but his motivation is at an all-time low…I read in a lot of literature that kids often lack motivation because of their relationship with their parents. We generally have a good relationship, but we worry that he still feels we failed him all those years ago…

and

 I get calls from the school that my boys misbehave…They usually get a consequence at school. How harsh should I follow up at home, do they need a second punishment?

and

If my junior has a winter dance coming up, and I think he should go, can I make him go or bribe him, or is this me living vicariously through him?

and also:

I’d like to hear something about the “other” teens. The ones who hide their insecurities behind perfection…So growing up they miss out on opportunities, camps, jobs… How do I help them become more confident? How do I help them see their value, take initiative and try new stuff?

and

I’m reluctant to let my kid go to summer camp… nervous… and how do I actually GET him to go?

Note Jen’s sweater – it’s a rental from Armoire, one of our sponsors!

In this episode, Jen & Janet discuss:

• Why teenage boys don’t embrace (& often reject) our ideas
• The importance of real self-care
• Managing fear & guilt
• Boys’ motivation
• Responding to misbehavior & phone calls from school
• Perfectionism
• Summer camp & separation anxiety

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Boost Boys’ Motivation –– our online course

Listener Q & A: Punishment, Teenage Boys, & Letting Go — Q & A from late 2023

Needed: Boy-Friendly Schools — ON BOYS episode

Debt Free Mom Discusses Family Finances –– ON BOYS episode

Emails & Phone Calls from Teachers — ON BOYS episode

Sleepovers, Camp, & Separation Anxiety — ON BOYS episode

Building Boys Bulletin — Jen’s Substack newsletter

Sponsor Spotlight: Armoire

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Sponsor Spotlight: Dabble & Dollop

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If you heard anything at all about the 2024 U.S. presidential election, you likely encountered the term "gender gap." 

More than half of female voters (53%) voted for Kamala Harris; more than half of male voters (also 55%) voted for Donald Trump. Among young voters, the gender gap was even more pronounced: 61% of women aged 18-29 voted for Harris, compared to 49% of males.

Societal and political gender gaps are widening in other countries as well. Mark Sutton, director of The Boys Initiative & author of How Democrats Can Win Back Men, joins us to explore the factors underlying the gender gap and ways we can help boys and men thrive alongside girls and women.

Takeaways:

• The gender gap in voting reflects deeper cultural divides.
• Men's issues are often overlooked in political discourse.
• Human well-being should be a shared goal across genders.
• Health disparities show men dying younger than women.
• Political parties need to address the needs of all voters.
• Support for women's health should not exclude men's health.
• There is a growing discontent with both major political parties.
• Unity among moderate voters can lead to positive change.
• The future of gender representation is evolving positively. Support for women in leadership is crucial.
• Local involvement in politics can make a difference.
• Cultural backlash can lead to divisive movements.
• Understanding different perspectives is essential.
• The male vote plays a significant role in elections.
• Engaging in conversations about gender is necessary.
• Listening to others can foster better understanding.
• Systemic issues affect boys and young men.
• Advocacy for children's needs is a nonpartisan issue.

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Men & the 2024 Election -- Mark's Substack

How Democrats Can Win Back Men: Why Understanding Male Voters & Their Issues is Vital for Democratic Victory -- Mark's book

The Boys Initiative

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Most schools today aren’t boy-friendly. 

That’s one (big!) reason why boys lag behind girls academically. And why so many boys hate going to school. 

Tyler, a 16-year-old Texas boy, started struggling in middle school. Recess was no more. Classes were 90 minutes long. So, “he found it really hard to sit still in class,” says Julie Jargon, the Wall Street Journal Family & Tech columnist who interviewed Tyler for her series on boys and education. Now a high school student, Tyler suggests that “instead of making guys change the way they behave, maybe schools should change the way they’re structured.”

Boy-friendly education practices

Movement helps humans remain alert and engaged. Simply shifting activities every 15 minutes or so can boost boys’ (and girls’) performance in the classroom. Time outside is helpful as well. Visual cues can help keep boys on track too. Boy-friendly schools also prioritize hands-on learning.

“A lot of these things that are beneficial for boys are the same for girls. It’s not that girls need something vastly different,” Julie says. “The things that benefit boys also benefit girls. You can adopt boy-friendly practices in your school without being unfriendly to girls.”

All students benefit from time to reflect on — and correct — academic, social, and behavioral mistakes. One of the all-boys schools Julie wrote about uses a restorative justice approach, she says.

“Instead of just punishing them, they give boys an opportunity to talk about it and apologize,” Julie says. That approach helps boys hone their emotional intelligence and communication skills.

In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Julie discuss:

• Why so many boys struggle in middle school
• How misunderstanding male development contributes to boys’ problems in school
• Workarounds parents use to help boys
• Boy-friendly education practices
• Pushing back against developmentally inappropriate expectations
• Single-sex vs coed schools & classes
• Support for parents of boys

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Boys are Struggling. It Can Take Coaches, Tutors, and Thousands a Month to Fix That — WSJ article by Julie

Inside the Schools Where Boys Can Be Boys — WSJ article by Julie

Losing a Grandparent Hurts Boys at School — Scientific American article

Set Boys Up for School Success — ON BOYS episode

Boys in School Task Force –– ON BOYS episode

The Gender Equation in Schools — ON BOYS episode

Boy Moms as Boy Advocates — ON BOYS episode featuring Gemma Gaudette

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When Michael Gurian published The Wonder of Boys in 1996, there "wasn't any national consciousness about boys' issues," he says.

A quarter century later, there are dozens of books about boys, and parents, educators, and politicians alike are realizing that we must address boys' issues if we are to address the current epidemic of violence. Yet despite this progress, "we are still talking about ancillary concepts as to why these boys kill people rather than getting to the root causes of what's going on," Gurian says. We also "still don't systemically understand boys or how to raise them."

What Parents Need to Know About Male Depression

Male depression, for instance, is often unrecognized (and untreated) because it is covert. A boy who immerses himself in video games, does just enough school work to get by, or uses drugs or alcohol may actually be depressed. As many as 10-20% of males may be experiencing unrecognized depression, and these males are having an outsized impact on our culture and lives, Gurian says.

Parents, healthcare providers, and counselors need to learn about male development -- and they need to learn how to recognize and respond to the signs of male depression, which may include anger, irritability, withdrawal, and substance use. Parents and educators must also partner together to figure out how to help boys succeed in school.

How Parents Can Partner with Schools to Help Boys Succeed

"Parents and schools need to get really well connected around a specific question: How do we make sure the boys can succeed as well as the girls?" Gurian says.

He suggests parents of boys connect with other parents of boys (from at least 3 other families) to create teams to share info, gather data, and approach school administration, expressing their concern and willingness to help address gender disparities in academics and discipline referrals.

In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Michael discuss:

• Progress we've made -- and not made -- regarding boys' issues over the last 2+ decades
• What the Left and Right get wrong about boys & men
• Why you may want to consider going organic
• Male depression
• The need to train healthcare providers & counselors in male development
• Importance of fathers and male mentoring
• Advocating for boys at school
• How tech affects boys' brains
• Boys & violence
• Male bonding
• "Toxic masculinity"

“Debt Free Mom” (aka Carly Hill) knows that family finances can be a fraught topic.

Yet family finances affect every aspect of family life: A family’s stress level, as well as housing, education, and recreational choices. Family finances play into decisions such as rec sports or travel team? Private school or public school? And, of course, our attitude and money habits affects our children as well. Our boys learn a lot about money management — both good and bad! – from us.

On Budgeting & Money Management

“A budget is simply a tool, a way to arrive at an outcome that’s not going to happen by accident,” Carly says.

Step one in budgeting (or creating a money plan) is to understand the gap — either positive or negative — between your income & expenses. “Any financial goal that we have is all going to be driven by the gap between our income and our expenses.”

You may not have a financial cushion; your expenses may regularly exceed your income. That’s stressful. And stress and overwhelm can cause us to freak out and/or ignore our financial situation. Instead, Carly recommends radical acceptance.

“We have to radically accept what’s already happened,” she says. You can’t go back and un-borrow your student loans or choose a different job. Take some deep breaths and look at your real numbers — how much money you owe and how much you have. (Often, Carly says, things aren’t as dire as people think.)

Once you know your numbers, do NOT jump to creating a budget. Instead, think about what you’re trying to achieve. What goal would you like to work towards? A good first goal is to consistently spend less than you make. Don’t worry about saving or paying down debt yet.

Next, focus on your financial circle of influence. You can’t control grocery prices; you can control how quickly you press “buy” online.

If you’re struggling to see a path forward — if you’ve already cut expenses and don’t see a way to increase your income — it may be wise to get outside advice. “We’re often too close to our own situation to see an alternate path,” Carly says. An outside advisor (who may be a friend or financial professional) isn’t emotionally involved and may be able to see alternatives that you can’t.

In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Carly discuss:

• Budgeting, saving, spending
• Why your parents’ money advice may not work for you
• How having a money plan can ease stress
• Understanding your financial circle of influence
• Establishing clear goals & clear incentives
• Negotiating conflicting financial priorities
• Resisting pressure to buy

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

debtfreemom.co — Carly’s website

The Debt Free Mom podcast

Teach Boys Money Management — ON BOYS episode

Sponsor Spotlight: Armoire

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Jen’s Feb. Armoire haul

Sponsor Spotlight: Dabble & Dollop

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Advanced parenting may involve guiding a child through a mental health crisis. Or parenting a child with a chronic medical condition. Or both. It’s what parents must do when a child’s needs go beyond basic feeding, sheltering, loving, and nurturing.

As a childhood cancer survivor and complex care pediatrician, Dr. Kelly Fradin knows that it’s difficult for parents to balance kids’ physical and mental challenges with the routine logistics of parenting and family life. Healthcare providers and mental health clinicians often don’t have the time they’d like to support parents navigating these complex challenges, so she write a guidebook to help parents: Advanced Parenting: Advice for Helping Kids Through Diagnoses, Differences, & Mental Health Challenges.

Parenting Boys Through Health Challenges

“Boys struggle just as much as girls with having a challenge that separates them from their friends,” Dr. Kelly says.

But while many girls will spontaneously reach out for support and share their emotions with their friends and family, boys will likely need extra parental support to develop their emotional vocabulary.

“If they have that emotional literacy of being able to identify and talk about their feelings, they can communicate on a more sophisticated level,” she says, noting that parents (and other adults) must also give boys space and time to experience their emotions. Boys, Dr. Kelly says, need to know that “they don’t have to be strong all the time.”

In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Kelly discuss:

• When — and how — to ask questions of healthcare professionals and educators
• Evaluating online sources of health information
• Talking to your child about a diagnosis
• Managing parental anxiety
• Involving boys in their medical care
• Managing medication refusal
• Making room for emotions
• Helping siblings cope
• Picking your priorities

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

drkellyfradin.com — Dr. Kelly’s website

Advanced Parenting: Advice for Helping Kids Through Diagnoses, Differences, & Mental Health Challenges, by Dr. Kelly Fradin

Advanced Parenting podcast series

You Can Thrive with Chronic Illness and Special Needs — ON BOYS episode

Parenting Thru Health Challenges — ON BOYS episode

Sponsor Spotlight: Better Help

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If you or someone you know is having suicidal thoughts, you can call the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline for help in the United States. Call 988 or 800-273-TALK (8255). The 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline is open 24 hours a day, every day. Services are also available en espanol.

Suicidal thoughts are common.

In the U.S. alone, each year, more than 15 millions adults & teens struggle with serious thoughts of suicide. Knowing how to respond to suicidal thoughts is a crucial skill for all parents & educators. 

One of the best, most effective things you can do to reduce suicide risk to directly ask those you’re concerned about if they’re having suicidal thoughts. That, of course, is easier said than done. It’s scary to ask about suicide, and scary to admit thoughts of suicide. To make it easier, you can say something like, “A lot of people have suicidal thoughts sometimes. Do you ever have thoughts like that?”

“We don’t want to normalize suicide, but we can normalize thinking about suicide,” says Stacey Freedenthal, a licensed psychotherapist and author of Loving Someone with Suicidal Thoughts: What Family, Friends, and Partners Can Say & Do. 

Some people say “no” when the answer is really yes. So it’s a good idea to follow up with, “If you were having thoughts of suicide in the future, do you think you’d tell me?” Listen calmly and bravely, and keep the conversation going if you can.

“Be curious, not judgmental,” Freedenthal says.

Why Calling 911 or Heading to ER May Not Be a Good Idea

If someone is not in immediate, acute danger — think firearm in hand or pills ingested — don’t call 911 or head to the hospital. Instead, talk. And listen. Empathetic statements like, “that sounds so hard” are far more useful than comments such as, “What are you talking about? You have a great life!”

Emergency help can actually be counterproductive. It may lead to long waits and little help. And the affected individual may become angry and less likely to trust you with suicidal thoughts in the future. So, if the situation is not acutely dangerous, call 988, the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, instead. It’s available 24/7 and trained responders can answer your questions, help you establish a safety plan, and connect you with local resources.

In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Stacey discuss:

• How to know if someone has suicidal thoughts
• Stereotypes and misconceptions about suicide
• Reasons teenagers don’t tell their parents about suicidal thoughts
• Brave listening
• What to do when your son says, “I’m going to kill myself” or “I want to die”
• Sextortion
• When to call 911 — and when not to
• Why you should lock up guns & meds
• Self-care
• Fostering hope

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Loving Someone with Suicidal Thoughts: What Family, Friends, and Partners Can Say & Do, by Stacey Freedenthal — every home & school needs a copy of this book

staceyfreedenthal.com — Stacey’s personal page

speakingofsuicide.com — Stacy’s web page, packed with tons of free resources

What You Need to Know About Boys & Suicide — ON BOYS episode

Suicide Rates are Rising — Here’s What Parents Can Do — Your Teen magazine article by Jen

Sponsor Spotlight: Stokke

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Sponsor Spotlight: RightStart Mathematics

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Sponsor Spotlight: Better Help

Therapy to help you live a more empowered life. Go to BetterHelp.com/onboys to save 10%

Sponsor Spotlight: Green Chef

Healthy, Organic, Meal Kit Delivery Service. Use promo code ONBOYS60 to get 60% off & free shipping!

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Linda Flanagan says youth sports are out of control.

And she should know.

Flanagan is a former youth athlete, cross country coach, mother of a young athletes, and the author of Take Back the Game: How Money and Mania are Ruining Kids' Sports - and Why It Matters.

“If your goal is to cultivate a well-adjusted, responsible child who contributes to the family, then limiting T-ball, youth soccer & it’s ilk may be wisest," she says in her book. "Western parenting customs that put the child at the center - usually with the goal of engendering happiness among the young – also fragment families and erode self-sufficiency.”

That's quite a different point of view than the traditional "sports teaches kids teamwork and builds character" POV. But while sports can teach teamwork and build character, so do other activities, such as working together as a family. And youth sports in the 21st century often include significant downsides, including massive investments of time and money, over-emphasis on children's achievements, and risk of over-use injuries.

In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Linda discuss:

• How youth sports have changed since you were a child
• The high price of youth sports
• How over-emphasis on sport hurts kids, families, and communities
• Practical guidelines for integrating sports and family time
• Setting boundaries
• Healthy sports parenting
• 
  

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Take Back the Game: How Money and Mania are Ruining Youth Sports - and Why It Matters, by Linda Flanagan

lindaflanaganauthor.com -- Linda's website

Coaches Speak About Youth Sports -- ON BOYS episode

Sports & Masculinity -- ON BOYS episode

Healthy Sports Parenting -- ON BOYS episode

Hunt Gather Parent with Michaeleen Ducleff -- ON BOYS episode

Need help with your boys?

Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin

Join Janet Allison’s real-time, monthly group coaching program, Decoding Your Boy 

In this episode, Jen & Janet discuss:

• The end of an era (Jen’s last son finishes high school!)
• What Jen will NOT miss about having a kid a school
• How parenting is like labor & birth
• Transactional vs. relational communication
• Letting boys take control of aspects of their life
• Rebuilding trust
• Apologizing to your kids

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Emails & Phone Calls from Teachers — ON BOYS episode

Why Boy Moms Need Mentors Too — ON BOYS episode

Sponsor Spotlight: Dabble & Dollop

Natural bath products for kids. Visit dabbleandollop.com/onboys to get 20% OFF your first order!

Sponsor Spotlight: Armoire

Clothing rental subscription that makes getting dressed easier. Visit armoire.style/ONBOYS to get up to 50% OFF your first month.

Sponsor Spotlight: ByHeart 

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Middle school students are “superheroes in the making,” says Phyllis Fagell, a school counselor, mom, and author of Middle School Superpowers: Raising Resilient Tweens in Turbulent Times.

If that sounds crazy to you, consider this: middle schoolers and superheroes “both get catapulted out of a world they know and sent on a jarring (& occasionally scarring) journey. At the start…they’re strangers to themselves and can feel as if their own bodies have betrayed them,” Phyllis says.

Middle School Boys Need Time to Mature

Remember: boys’ mature cognitively, physically, and emotionally at a different pace than girls. Generally speaking, boys take longer to mature, so it’s not fair (or helpful) to expect tween boys to consistently think, act, and behave in a mature manner. Many middle school-aged boys have difficulty regulating their emotions, organizing their spaces and time, and communicating with others, but that doesn’t mean those same boys won’t grow up to be amazing humans. They simply need time to grow — and appropriate love and support.

“Middle school boys are not the final product,” Phyllis says. “Their skills are still developing, they’re still figuring out who they are, and what they need and can give. Our job is to approach them with curiosity, rather than judgment.”

“Super Bounce” & How Boys Can Learn From Mistakes

Although their actions and behavior may suggest otherwise, “every middle school boy wants to do the right thing, wants to be seen as capable and kind and compassionate,” Phyllis says. “They do not want adults [or their peers] to think poorly of them.”

Their impulsivity and immaturity sometimes (maybe even often) leads them to behave in ways that hurt others (or themselves). While it’s important to not shield boys from the consequences of their actions, punishment is not the best way to help middle school boys learn from mistakes or poor choices.

“If you are too harsh or punitive — especially if the consequence doesn’t match or have any kind of logical connection to whatever the mistake was — that kid is going to get stuck in shame,” Phyllis says. “We want them to learn, not get so stuck or paralyzed that they can’t learn.”

Instead of berating boys for their actions, encourage self-reflection and restitution. One question that can help boys self-reflect on their behavior: Were you your best self? 

In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Phyllis discuss:

• Tween development – & how today’s tweens are different than their predecessors
• Setting tweens up for success
• Supporting boys’ friendships
• A boys who sneaks out of bed to play video games
• 
  
• An app to help tweens develop their superpowers

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

PhyllisFagell.com — Fagell’s online home. Includes blog posts and links to her speaking schedule.

Middle School Superpowers: Raising Resilient Tweens in Turbulent Times, by Phyllis Fagell

Middle School Matters: The 10 Skills Kids Need to Thrive in Middle School & Beyond, by Phyllis Fagell

Middle School Matters with Phyllis Fagell — ON BOYS episode

The Gender Equation in Schools — ON BOYS episode featuring Jason Ablin (who’s mentioned by Phyllis in this episode)

Sponsor Spotlight: Herbal-zzZs 

Use code ONBOYS25 to save 25% site-wide

Medical expenses are a part of life.  (Particularly if you live in the United States!)

Figuring out how to budget and pay for well-child checks, sports physicals, ER and urgent care visits, and recommended screenings is confusing and overwhelming. Health insurance is expensive and difficult to decipher. Independent contractors and entrepreneurs typically don’t have access to group plans, and many available plans simply don’t meet the needs of today’s families.

Cost-sharing plans are an alternative for managing medical expenses.

How Cost-Sharing Plans Differ From Health Insurance

Traditional health insurance plans transfer the financial risk from individuals to the insurance company. Individuals (or families) pay a monthly premium and are responsible for deductible and co-pays.

In contrast, when you sign up for a cost-sharing plan, you become a member of a group that shares the cost of medical needs, says Melissa Blatt, founder & CEO of Indipop. Cost-sharing health plans are also sometimes called “health sharing” plans or “membership” or “subscription” plans. Traditionally, most cost-sharing plans were connected with religious organizations, and many required a statement of faith from members. Today, secular cost-sharing plans are available to individuals and families.

With cost-sharing plans, your deductible doesn’t automatically reset each year; physical therapy that’s needed in January due to a surgery or injury that happened in December is not considered separately or subject to a new deductible.

In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Melissa discuss:

• Cost-sharing plans vs. traditional health insurance
• What to consider when choosing a plan to help with medical expenses
• How a cost-sharing plan can help you control healthcare costs
• Comparing health plans
• Pre-existing conditions
• Healthcare costs

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

indipop.co — Indipop website

How to Reduce Medical Costs for Your Child — Building Boys post

Sponsor Spotlight: Indipop

Subscription-based healthcare

Sponsor Spotlight: Baby Quip

Use code ONBOYS for $20 off your reservation of $100 or more.

Sponsor Spotlight: Essential Labs

Use code ONBOYS to save 15%

Sponsor Spotlight: McEvoy Ranch

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Child psychologist Emily Edlynn says a healthier approach to tech is good for the whole family. 

As she wrote in her Substack newsletter, the currently popular shame-blame-restrict approach to social media, screens, and gaming isn’t working particularly well. Emily sas:

Parents’ hyper-focus on screen time, gaming, or phones can have more negative effects than the technologies on their own. Parents can become so fixated on maintaining the limits that the fixation itself causes a child’s or teen’s frustration and subsequent distancing from their parents.

Social Media, Video Games, & Phones Aren’t the Cause of Mental Health Problems

Contrary to popular belief, smartphone and screens are not solely responsible for the current mental health crisis.

“I’m always skeptical is there’s a straight line drawn from any one thing to mental health,” Emily says. “That’s not how mental health works. It’s very complex, nuanced, layered, and full of contributing factors.” In fact, tech overuse can be a symptom, not a cause of mental health problems.

“It’s really important not to blame the tech but to get under it & explore what’s going on,” Emily says.

So, parents: take a breath. Giving your child a smartphone does not doom them to anxiety or depression. It is much healthier to step away from the fear and approach technology as a tool.

“When parents take more of a mentorship approach to online activity and social media, the kids do better with it,” Emily says.

Fighting About Tech Isn’t Helpful. Here’s a Healthier Approach to Tech.

Parents and children often have vastly different views of (& goals for) technology. These differing views often come into conflict. And in many cases, that escalates into a problem.

“The conflict around technology can cause more harm than the technology itself,” Emily explains. Kids may feel misunderstood, alienated, and not trusted. And parental guilt and stress around technology is harming both parents & kids.

Although it may not seem like it during the tween & teenage years, our kids want to be connected with us. When they don’t feel connected to us due to high and constant conflict, they suffer (often, in ways we can’t see).

Focus on the connection with your child instead of focusing on the tech.

Photo by Photo by KoolShooters via Pexels

Takeaways:

• Parents should focus on balance and individualized approaches to technology use rather than blaming technology for mental health issues.
• Open dialogue and empathy are key in discussing technology use with children and teenagers.
• Technology can be addictive, and it is important to develop critical thinking skills and awareness of its impact.
• The goal is to raise children who have a good internal sense of balance and can make healthy choices in the digital world.

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Autonomy-Supportive Parenting: Reduce Parental Burnout and Raise Competent, Confident Children, by Emily Edlynn

www.emilyedlynnphd.com — Emily’s website

The Art & Science of Mom — Emily’s Substack (Be sure to check out Fortnite Creep)

Fortnite is Not a Waste of Time — Building Boys post

Autonomy-Supportive Parenting — ON BOYS episode featuring Emily

How Our Feelings About Technology Affect Our Kids — newsletter by Melinda Wenner-Moyer (mentioned by Emily)

Melinda Wenner Moyer: Raising Boys Who Aren’t Assholes — ON BOYS episode

Sponsor Spotlight: Armoire

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Fostering Connection: Building Social and Emotional Health in Children and Teens is the latest book by Dr. Tish Taylor, a child psychologist with more than 25 years of experience.

Fostering connection is also key to boys’ social, emotional, and overall well-being. But how do we teach our boys to connect? How can we best connect with them?

Through her work, Dr. Tish noticed certain patterns of behavior in kids, teens, and adults. She dubbed some of these patterns Connectors and others, Disconnectors. The Helpful Coach Connector, for instance, sees smarter and more effective ways to handle a situation and is willing to call a time-out to ponder options.

In contrast, the Insulator, a Disconnector, doesn’t want help or constructive criticism.The Insulator is emotionally overwhelmed and wants other to go away!

“I tried to simplify things and make it more concrete,” Dr. Tish says, nothing that, “You can see all of these behaviors and patterns in anyone.” Some of the disconnecting behaviors, though, are perhaps more frequently seen in people with ADHD or oppositional defiant disorder (ODD).

In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Dr. Tish discuss:

• Connecting vs. disconnecting behaviors
• Adults as behavior role models
• Managing feelings of failure and inadequacy
• Disconnecting behaviors common to ADHD and ODD
• What to do when kids don’t want to apologize
• Interacting with a kid who’s in “fight” mode
• Fostering flexible thinking
• Screentime
• Dealing w a morning “grumpmeister”
• Managing your reactions to your boys’ modds

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

tishtaylor.com — Dr. Tish’s website (includes Connectors & Disconnector cards & images)

Fostering Connection: Building Social and Emotional Health in Children and Teens, by Dr. Tish Taylor

Parenting “Spicy” Boys — ON BOYS episode

Teaching Boys Social Skills — ON BOYS episode w ADHD Dude Ryan Wexelblatt

Sponsor Spotlight: Better Help

Therapy to help you live a more empowered life. Go to BetterHelp.com/onboys to save 10%

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Parenting teenage boys is a challenge. And an opportunity.

In some ways, says child and adolescent psychologist Lee Bare, parenting a teenage boy is like parenting a newborn. “You have to be prepared for anything and you never know what kind of mood they’re going to wake up in,” says Lee, who is also the mother of three teenage sons. The angst and worry that parents experience during the boys’ teenage years also recalls the frantic worries and sleepless nights of the newborn stage.

Just as in parenting newborns, it can be helpful to put some of your own expectations to the side and focus instead of meeting your son “where he is,” Lee says.

Dealing with Adolescent Separation

It is completely normal for teen boys to pull way from their parents. Your son may not talk to you (or want to hang out with you) as much when he’s a teen as he did when he’s younger. That’s OK and developmentally appropriate.

It’s also OK for parents to grieve the loss of closeness with their sons. But instead of focusing your energy on what you’ve lost, concentrate on the kind of relationship you’d like to have with your son when he’s older. Work on building that relationship. “I want them to want to spend time with me when they’re adults,” Lee says. (Pro tip: Nagging your son about the time he spends with his friends or alone in his room won’t likely lead to that desired result.)

Adapting Your Parenting for Teenage Boys

Your parenting has to evolve and grow as your boys do. When your son starts pushing back on things like bedtime and curfew, it may be time to revisit (and renegotiate) your expectations. Boys crave more control over their lives as they get older, and they need opportunities to manage their own time and make independent choices (and mistakes).

During your boys’ teen years, you can adapt traditional parenting practices to your family’s needs. You may not be able to have dinner together every night — or even most nights. “We have kind of an open, revolving door dinner,” Lee says. “Dinner is ready and then people kind of rotate in and out.” Where and what you eat doesn’t matter; what’s powerful about “family dinner” is communication, and you can maintain communication in all sorts of non-traditional ways.

When you are concerned about your son’s behavior, ask yourself if it’s a big deal in the bigger picture. (Long term, does it really matter if he doesn’t turn in his math homework?) “Look at what’s important for your family to place value on, and what’s OK to let go,” Lee says, “because you don’t have time to respond to every single thing.”

It’s also helpful to try to put yourself in your son’s shoes. Think about what matters to him, what he likes, and what makes him feel safe and loved. (Hint: it might not be a big hug or kiss from mom)

“Teenage boys want connection,” Lee says. “They just don’t necessarily connect the same way we do.”

In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Lee discuss:

• How parenting teenage boys is like parenting a newborn
• Dealing with adolescent separation
• Finding time for family dinners when your boys have busy extra curricular schedules
• Maintaining connection with teen boys
• Differentiating normal vs. “not normal” (or concerning) teen boy behavior (Hint: look at past behavior)
• Letting go
• Teen boys & school
• Supporting parents of teens
• Coping with our feelings of isolation and shame when our boys do something dumb or damaging
• Boys who “don’t want to do anything”
• Helping teen boys navigate friendships
• How to support teenage boys
• Self-care for parents of teens

Sue Atkins encourages parents to slow down, relax, & learn from their children.

“We are rushing through life,” says the UK parenting guru.. “We rush everything — we rush our children to eat their breakfast, to do their shoes up, to brush their teeth. And I think children have got something to teach us, because they just don’t worry about those things. They take their time.”

Atkins also encourages parents to “exude confidence” — even if they’re not feeling 100% confident — via their voice & body language. She also reminds parents that they’re doing a better job than they probably think.

“If you’re kind; if you’re loving; if you have firm, fair, consistent boundaries and the kids know them and know you’ll follow through on consequences, they’ll learn to self-regulate,” she says. “They’ll learn it from you first and then they’ll implement it as they grow and change.”

Focus on the big picture and “lighten up a bit,” Atkins says. “Parenting is an adventure.”

In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Sue discuss:

• Sue’s experience of pregnancy & parenting
• How to develop patience
• Why self-care isn’t selfish
• How to get kids to listen
• Developing parental confidence
• Teaching kindness
• Unmotivated teenage/young adult males
• Letting boys make mistakes
• Managing disrespect
• Parenting after divorce
• Screen time (Spoiler alert: Better to balance than ban!)
• How to avoid overreacting to boys’ behavior
• Creating space to connect

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

sueatkinsparentingcoach.com — Sue’s website

Nonverbal Communication with Boys — ON BOYS episode

Mathew Blades on Healing Generational Trauma — ON BOYS episode

Lads Need Dads with Sonia Shaljean — ON BOYS episode

Sponsor Spotlight: Baby Quip

Use code ONBOYS for $20 off your reservation of $100 or more.

Teen boys mystify (and frustrate) their parents. Especially their moms.

But there’s a lot going on behind and beneath that sometimes stony exterior. Teen boys are not devoid of emotions; in fact, they devote a lot of time and attention to managing and controlling their emotions. They may not show their emotions as freely as they did when they were younger, but, sadly, that’s often because they’ve learned their emotions aren’t welcome.

According to Brendan Kwiatkowski, PhD, a researcher who studies boys’ emotions, experiences, and masculinities, the #1 reason why teen boys restrict emotion (& emotional expression) is because “they don’t want to burden other people.”

The #2 reason is “fear of judgment.”

Why Teen Boys Retrict Emotion

Teen boys “assume most people don’t want to hear about their negative emotions,” Brendan says.

Stress and trauma can also affect boys’ ability to process and express emotion.

Teenage boys’ refusal (or inability) to express their emotions is usually “not selfish,” Brendan says, but rather, an “act of care.”

Helping Boys Express Emotion

A boy’s ability to express emotion is affected, in part, by his parents’ ability to tolerate his distress.

If he knows that his anger, sadness, or frustration upsets your equilibrium, he’s more likely to stifle his emotion. If he knows that you’ll respond with calm compassion, he’s more likely to open up and honeslty share his feelings and experiences.

Don’t fret, though, if you don’t always respond calmly or compassionately. According to Dr. Becky, clincical psychologist & founder of Good Inside, parents can miss the mark 70% of the time and still raise great, well-adjusted children, especially if they apologize and make things right when they’ve gone off the rails.

Getting Teen Boys to Talk

According to Brendan’s research, teenage boys are most comfortable opening up to women — typically, their girlfriends or moms — because they believe that females are good listeners and less likely to judge them.

Modeling authenticity and vulnerabilty also helps boys (and all humans) open up.

“I never would expect a teenage boy to be honest with me if I’m not demonstrating that myself,” Brendan says. “Being a boy or man is full of contradictions and tensions, and acknowledging those is such as important way to help the dialogue.”

In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Brendan discuss:

• Teen boys’ emotion
• Factors that affect boys’ emotional expression
• Helping boys open up
• Emotional safe havens
• Normalizing emotions
• Helping boys understand anger
• Holding boys responsible
• What teen boys think about Andrew Tate
• Talking about controversial topics

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

remasculine.com — Brendan’s website

Re: Masculine — Brenda’s album about masculinity

Hold Onto Your Kids: Why Parents Matter More Than Peers, by Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Mate — book recommended by Brendan

What You Need to Know About Boys & Suicide (w Katey McPherson) — ON BOYS episode

Sponsor Spotlight: Green Chef

Healthy, Organic, Meal Kit Delivery Service. Use promo code ONBOYS60 to get 60% off & free shipping!

3 Green Chef meal kits

Sponsor Spotlight: Mommy Makeup

Clean beauty for busy women.Get a FREE color consultation – & then use promo code ONBOYS for 20% off your first order.

Jen wearing Mommy MakeupNeed help with your boys?

Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin

Join Janet Allison’s real-time, monthly group coaching program, Decoding Your Boy 

Our February 10 conversation with Dr. Mona Delahooke about her new book, Brain-Body Parenting:How to Stop Managing Behavior and Start Raising Joyful, Resilient Kids, is ON BOYS’ Most Popular Episode of 2022.

And no wonder: The Center for Childhood Development calls the book a “game-changer,” and Berkely’s Greater Good Magazine lists it #2 on its Favorite Parenting Books of 2022 list. Jen & Janet’s copies are both dog-eared & marked up because it’s packed with information and easy-to-implement strategies that can change your parenting for the better.

It’s an episode you can listen to again and again because you’ll likely hear and implement different things each time. (At the very least, you’ll feel inspired and supported!) It’s a clear 2022 favorite: Brain-Body Parenting with Dr. Mona Delahooke was downloaded more than 13,000 times in 2022.

Some highlights:

It’s time to “move from focusing on behaviors to focusing on how each child perceives, understands, and interprets their world,” says Dr. Delahooke.

and

“You are witnessing the power of human resilience.”

In this episode, Jen, Janet & Mona discuss:

• What is brain-body parenting?
• The link between the nervous system and behavior
• Green, red, and blue zones — an easy way to recognize a person’s current level of functioning
• Checks-ins vs. time-outs
• Getting curious about kids’ behaviors
• Body budgets
• Parental self-care
• The challenge zone
• Expectation gaps
• Co-regulation
• Parallels between toddlerhood & adolescence
• How unrealistic expectations for young boys cause problems for boys in school
• 
  

Need help with your boys?

Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin

Join Janet Allison’s real-time, monthly group coaching program, Decoding Your Boy 

Like it or not, fentanyl, other opioids, and marijuana are part of our boys’ world.

“It is very easy to get drugs on social media,” says Michelle Leopold, a mother who’s son, Trevor, died after taking a pill he purchase online.

Ignoring these uncomfortable fact isn’t helpful. We have to educate ourselves and educate our boys. Here’s why:

Marijuana harms young brains

Today’s marijuana and marijuana-based products are far stronger than those of the past.

“It’s so important to learn about today’s marijuana,”Michelle says. Although marijuana and THC products are now legal in many states, study after study has shown that these products are not safe for developing brains.

Fentanyl kills

In 2019, Trevor, age 18, swallowed a blue pill he thought was oxycodone. It wasn’t.

Despite its markings, there was no oxycodone in the pill. The pill Trevor purchased was a counterfeit pill, & it contained fentanyl, a narcotic that’s 100 times more powerful than morphine, 50 times more powerful than heroin—and lethal at just a few grains.

Trevor didn’t get high; Trevor died.

According to the US. Dept of Justice, over 150 people die every day from overdoses related to synthetic opioids like fentanyl. As many as 7 in 10 counterfeit pills — pills sold online & purported to be oxycodone or other “prescription” meds — may now contain a lethal dose of fentanyl.

“People now need to assume that any drug they don’t get from their pharmacist has fentanyl in it,” Michelle says. “The odds are not in your favor.”

“I am going to use Trevor’s story to prevent other parents from losing their children.” — Michelle Leopold

In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Michelle discuss:

• How marijuana can affect teens & families
• Recognizing signs of drug use
• Cannabinoid hyperemesis syndrome
• Parenting a child who is using substances
• Just Say KNOW vs. Just Say No
• Where teens and young adults are getting drugs & pills
• Getting & using naloxone (Narcan)
• Recognizing & responding to an overdose

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Marijuana to Fentanyl: My Son is More Than a Statistic — post by Michelle

www.wearenotalone.community — Michelle’s blog (packed w info!)

Addiction Inoculation w Jessica Lahey — ON BOYS episode

Troubled Boys (w Kenneth R Rosen) — ON BOYS episode

Another View of Wilderness Therapy — ON BOYS episode

http://drugfree.org/  and toll-free Helpline (1-855-DRUGFREE / 1-855-378-4373) 

TheNewDrugTalk.org

SAMHSA National Helpline 1-800-662-4357 (Confidential free help, from public health agencies, to find substance use treatment and information)

SongForCharlie.org 

https://www.dea.gov/onepill

dancesafe.org (Fentanyl Test Strips and Drug Checking Kits)

Adding Naloxone to Your First Aid Kit — Decipher Your Health post (NOTE: Jen now has naloxone in her home)

shatterproof.org — includes a Narcan training video

Al-Anon — support for family & friends of people w alcohol use disorder

Nar-Anon — support for family & friends of people who use narcotics

Sponsor Spotlight: Armoire

Clothing rental subscription that makes getting dressed easier. Visit armoire.style/ONBOYS to get up to 50% OFF your first month.

Jen’s Feb. Armoire haul

Sponsor Spotlight: HomeThreads

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Sponsor Spotlight: Factor 

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Lads need dads, says Sonia Shaljean, director of the UK-based organization Lads Need Dads, one of the only projects in the country working to proactively address the impact of the absent father on boys aged 11-15.

Many boys with absent or uninvolved fathers, of course, turn out perfectly okay. But many don’t. Sonia pivoted to this work after noticing, through a long career in criminal justice, domestic abuse, anger management, and homelessness, that males who didn’t grow up with involved fathers (or father figures) are over-represented in each of those areas. Lads Need Dads was created to support young men (and their mothers) “who, through no fault of their own” are experiencing fatherlessness, she says.

The success of their program proves that deliberately and intentionally meeting the needs of boys improves outcomes. Boys develop a sense of confidence and competence. Their relationships with their mothers (and others) improve. They contribute to the community.

Emphasizing the Importance of Dads

“Getting people to recognize that this is a need — that boys can be impacted very negatively without a positive father figure,” is a tough message to sell in a society that’s focused on women’s empowerment and glosses over the need for men, Sonia says. “The thinking is that, ‘we don’t need a man to provide for us anymore.”

But dads’ value to their families — to society — goes far beyond economic provision. Boys need male influence in their lives, particularly during the adolescent years. Even if they have an involved, dedicated mom (or moms).

Advocating for Boys & Men

Despite the fact that boys & men tend to do significantly worse in schools and life than girls and women, there are few organizations focused on boys’ and men’s issues.

“There’s an apathy when it comes to men’s issues,” Sonia says. That needs to change. “Boys need to be supported and seen as the vulnerable gender that they actually are because we are currently failing them badly. If we want our boys to treat other people better, they need to know that they’re valued. We need to treat them better. They need to feel cared for and loved for who they are, not just because they’re going to come into contact with girls and therefore they should be better behaved. Let’s help our young men for the sake of themselves – not just because of how they may impact females.”

In this episode, Janet, & Sonia discuss:

• How fatherlessness affects boys
• Helps moms accept boys’ need to experience risk
• The importance of male connection and mentorship for boys
• Protective factors that can help boys thrive despite father absence
• The Men & Boys Coalition
• Increasing boys’ emotional intelligence
• 
  

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

LadsNeedDads.org

Tips for Single Moms Raising Boys — BuildingBoys post

Here’s How to Motivate Teenage Boys: Encourage Risk-Taking — Your Teen article by Jen

Men & Boys Coalition

Dads Matter (w Marion Hill) — ON BOYS episode

Dads, Boys, & Masculinity — ON BOYS episode

Sponsor Spotlight: Green Chef

Healthy, Organic, Meal Kit Delivery Service. Use promo code ONBOYS60 to get 60% off & free shipping!

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Sponsor Spotlight: Mommy Makeup

Clean beauty for busy women.Get a FREE color consultation – & then use promo code ONBOYS for 20% off your first order.

Jen wearing Mommy Makeup

Need help with your boys?

Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin

Join Janet Allison’s real-time, monthly group coaching program, Decoding Your Boy 

Building Boys: Raising Great Guys in a World That Misunderstands Males is Jen’s second book. Janet says it contains “wise words from a mom who has successfully raised four boys,” “wise words from an author who knows how to weave personal stories with scientific research,” and “wise words from the many experts she’s interviewed” — including many here ON BOYS!

The book has been years in the making — years of parenting, learning, pitching, and writing. And it’s applicable to all kinds of families: those raising little boys as well as those raising teens; those raising neurodiverse boys; two-parent families, single-parent families, and more. It’s built around 10 broad guidelines that parents can use to guide their parenting choices & daily interactions:

1. Learn the terrain
2. Emphasize emotional intelligence
3. Discuss & demonstrated healthy relationships
4. Let him struggle
5. Help him find & develop his talents
6. Give him time
7. Challenge him with chores & caregiving
8. Keep him close
9. Connect him to the real world
10. Accept him as he is

“I can’t tell you the specific of what to do when your 7-year-old is poking his 4-year-old brother, but I can give you some really good guidelines that you can use to figure out what you want to do next,” Jen says. “What I tried to do in this book is share some of the things that I learned the hard way.”

In this episode, Jen & Janet discuss:

• How parenting boys influenced Building Boys
• What Jen’s boys think about the book
• Which chapter Jen wrote first
• Janet’s favorite “rule”
• The pace of male development
• Sibling relationships
• Male friendship
• Facilitating boys’ interests
• The power of connection
• How bias & racism affect boys
• How self-doubt hurts parents of boys (& their sons)

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Building Boys: Raising Great Guys in a World That Misunderstands Males, by Jennifer L.W. Fink

Building Boys Bulletin — Jen’s newsletter

The First-Time Mom’s Guide to Raising Boys — Jen’s first book

Why You Need to Stop Focusing on Your Boys’ Bickering – Building Boys blog post

How to Raise a Boy with Michael C. Reichert — ON BOYS episode mentioned during this one

More Wisdom from Teacher Tom — ON BOYS episode mentioned during this one

Caste: The Origins of Our Discontents, by Isabel Wilkerson

How to Build Your Village – ON BOYS episode mentioned during this one

Sponsor Spotlight: Better Help

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Brendan Kwiatkowski knows that connecting with teenage boys requires understanding, patience, and a willingness to create a safe emotional space.

Kwiatkowski, PhD, a renowned researcher specializing in boys’ emotions, experiences, and masculinities, says that teen boys “assume most people don’t want to hear about their negative emotions.”

Helping Boys Express Their Emotions

One of the key factors in a boy’s ability to express his emotions is his parents’ response to his distress. If a boy knows that his anger, sadness, or frustration will upset his parents’ equilibrium, he is more likely to stifle his emotions. On the other hand, if he feels that his parents will respond with calm compassion, he is more likely to share his feelings honestly.

It’s important for parents to create a supportive environment where their sons feel safe to express themselves. This means responding to their emotions without judgment or immediate solutions, simply listening and validating their feelings. Don’t fret if you don’t always respond perfectly. It’s okay to miss the mark sometimes. Research has shown that parents can miss the mark 70% of the time and still raise well-adjusted children, as long as they apologize and strive to make things right when they falter.

Encouraging Teen Boys to Talk

Interestingly, Kwiatkowski’s research shows that teenage boys are often most comfortable opening up to women. Therefore, moms have a unique opportunity to foster a deeper connection with their sons by being approachable and supportive listeners.

Modeling authenticity and vulnerability is another powerful way to encourage boys to open up. Kwiatkowski emphasizes the importance of being genuine and honest with your own emotions. “I never would expect a teenage boy to be honest with me if I’m not demonstrating that myself,” he says. Acknowledging the contradictions and tensions in being a boy or man and discussing these openly can help create a more trusting and open dialogue.

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

remasculine.com — Brendan’s website

Re: Masculine — Brenda’s album about masculinity

Hold Onto Your Kids: Why Parents Matter More Than Peers, by Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Mate — book recommended by Brendan Kwiatkowski

What You Need to Know About Boys & Suicide (w Katey McPherson) — ON BOYS episode

Sponsor Spotlight: Lumen

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 Sponsor Spotlight: Dabble & Dollop

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How do you support sibling relationships and build brother-sister bonds? Or connect with a tween son?

Photo by Beatnik Photos via Flickr

Those are just a few of the questions Jen & Janet tackle in 2023’s first listener Q & A.

Matthew says:

We have 3 boys (15, 17, & 19) and 3 girls (2, 9, & 13)…our boys are incredibly close, practically best friends, and our girls are similar. What can we do to bring the groups closer together? We have tried divide and conquer (mixing who runs errands with us and such), game nights, movie nights, outings…

The girls are always more receptive, but the boys act like they’ve been plague-ridden to have to tolerate their sisters for more than a mealtime…

Cheslea asks:

What suggestions do you have for common interests with your boys? It feels like we have almost nothing in common…

Britney wonders:

Is it normal for the teen boy to push moms away during this time and cling to dads? 

while another Britney and Susan ask:

 Why is he such a butt head? Why do they know everything at the age of 16?!

Karon asks:

What steps should I take to monitor my 13-year-old’s online gaming?..I’d love tips/advice on keeping his gaming time in check.

Kate wants to know:

How can a 7 yr old have so much anger and attitude?

Our answers to their questions might give you some insight into your own parenting challenges.

In this episode, Jen & Janet discuss:

• Supporting sibling relationships
• Building brother-sister bonds
• How time solves many parenting problems
• Connecting w a tween son (whose interests differ from yours)
• Mother/son (and father/son) relationships during adolescence
• Self-care during your son’s teen years
• Monitoring online gaming
• Boys & anger
• Teen boys
• The importance of connection, community, and mentors for parents of boys

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Sibling Stress: How to Handle Bickering, Fighting, & More — ON BOYS episode

Why You Need to Stop Focusing on Your Boys’ Bickering — BuildingBoys blog post

Why Are Video Games So Important to Boys? — ON BOYS episode

Video Game Addiction — ON BOYS episode

Anger & Boys — ON BOYS episode

The Truth About Parenting Teen Boys — BuildingBoys’ most popular post

Moms Need Mentors Too — BuildingBoys blog post

Why Boys Moms Need Mentors Too — ON BOYS episode

Sponsor Spotlight: Mommy Makeup

Clean beauty for busy women.Get a FREE color consultation – & then use promo code ONBOYS for 20% off your first order.

Jen wearing Mommy Makeup

Sponsor Spotlight: Green Chef

Healthy, Organic, Meal Kit Delivery Service. Use promo code ONBOYS60 to get 60% off & free shipping!

3 Green Chef meal kits

Need help with your boys?

Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin

Join Janet Allison’s real-time, monthly group coaching program, Decoding Your Boy 

Raising Empowered Athletes, by former D1 athlete Kirsten Jones, is the book parents need to navigate today’s youth sports culture.

Kids do not need to begin formal sports instruction in preschool, and they don’t need to specialize in a single sport in order to succeed or excel, Kirsten says. In fact, she recommends that kids “try everything” — all kinds of active, physical pursuits, including dance and solo sports – up until age 14 or so. Before that, sports participation should focus on the 3Fs:

1. Friends
2. Fun
3. Fundamentals

Parents should also resist FOMO, the fear of missing out. Even if other families are opting for elite, travel teams, “you have to do what’s best for your family,” Kirsten says. “It’s a family values discussion. What do you value?”

Supporting Boys’ Athletic (& Human) Development

It can be hard to find coaches and teams that will support your son’s long-term development. Many teams (and coaches) are focused on winning at present, and may not have the time, resources, desire, or skills to nurture the development of boys who are undersized or still developing. You can support your son by finding ways to keep him physically engaged and working toward his long-term goals. Ideally, you’ll find him a coach (or coaches) who will value his determination, dedication, and skills. That, Kirsten admits, can be difficult.

Helping your son connect with a mentor — another boy who’s a few years or a level ahead of him, athletically — is one way to support his athletic development. “It’s really powerful,” Kirsten says, “to hear a peer say, I’ve been there, I’ve overcome that injury.'” Mentoring a younger athlete also helps older boys develop their skills and confidence.

In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Kirsten discuss:

• How youth sports got so out of control
• Resisting early specialization & FOMO
• Encouraging physical activity
• Helping kids advocate for themselves
• Supporting late bloomers in sports
• Healthy sports parenting
• How parents undermine kids’ confidence & skill development

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Raising Empowered Athletes: A Youth Sports Parenting Guide for Raising Happy, Brave, and Resilient Kids, by Kirsten Jones

Raising Athletes podcast

kirstenjonesinc.com — Kirsten’s website

Whole Child Sports: An Alternative to Toxic Youth Sports Culture — ON BOYS episode

Linda Flanagan: Youth Sports are Out of Control — ON BOYS episode

Healthy Sports Parenting — ON BOYS episode

Stephen Curry: Underrated — Apple TV show mentioned in episode

Sponsor Spotlight: Baby Quip

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Many Dads want to “step up with their hearts” and “actively parent,” says Maggie Dent, Australian parenting author and host of The Good Enough Dad and Parental As Anything podcasts. 

“They want to know how to do it well,” she says, noting that most dads have little experience caring for (or interacting with!) children prior to becoming a parent. Moms, though, often unconsciously interfere with dads’ parenting efforts by criticizing fathers or insisting that dads follow their parenting directives.

“If you keep telling a boy or a man they’re ‘doing it wrong,’ they’ll just stop,” Maggie says. “Moms have to let go a bit. You’ve got to step back.”

Dads need time to figure out parenting too. They need space to make mistakes (& discoveries!) And they need to know that we value their contributions.

Boys (and girls and nonbinary children) do best when dads are involved. Building up dads benefits boys!

In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Maggie discuss:

• Changing expectations for dads
• Maternal gatekeeping
• Creating “team parent”
• How dads support one another
• Using “dad dates” to connect with your kids
• Supporting dads

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

MaggieDent.com — Maggie’s website (LOTS of good stuff here, including a link to her podcast, Parental as Anything, and links to her courses & books)

The Good Enough Dad — podcast hosted by Maggie

Dads Matter (w Marion Hill) — ON BOYS episode

Dads, Boys, & Masculinity — ON BOYS episode

Maggie Dent on How to Motivate Boys — 2022 ON BOYS episode

Maggie Dent: What Teenage Boys Really Need — 2020 ON BOYS episode

Maggie Dent on Mothering Boys (Part 1) — ON BOYS episode

Maggie Dent on Mothering Boys (Part 2) — ON BOYS episode

Sponsor Spotlight: HomeThreads

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Visit bywinona.com/onboys & use code ONBOYS to get 25% your first order.

Mother’s Day is a day to honor the sacrifices mothers make for their children. At least, that was the intent of Anna Jarvis, the founder of Mother’s Day in the United States

This year, we’re also celebrating the many ways in which mothering has enhanced our lives. (“You can’t stay stagnant as a human being while you’re a parent,” Jen says.)

Parenting is a lot more challenging than most of us expected. And yet, raising kids is an awesome, enriching experience.

Mothering & Learning to Let Go

Parenting “by the books” is exhausting — and often ineffective. Our panel of experienced moms have found better luck (and more satisfaction) in tailoring their parenting to their child. And in trusting the process.

“Your child is going to grow through whatever stage he is in,” Janet says.

Mother’s Day Expectations

For many moms, Mother’s Day can be stressful. We want to be appreciated. We might want to relax — alone, or with family. Some moms are grieving the loss of a child, the loss of a parent, or other losses. Sharing your preferences with your family can be helpful.

In this episode, Jen, Janet, Katie & Brenda discuss:

• If we wanted boys or girls
• How parenting matched (or didn’t match!) our preconceived notions of parenting
• Our evolution as parents
• Sleep challenges
• Giving boys time to mature
• Self-compassion & self-care
• Letting others help

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Honoring Dads on Father’s Day (and Always) — ON BOYS episode

Boy Moms as Boy Advocates — ON BOYS episode

All Boys? — classic Building Boys post

Sponsor Spotlight: Better Help

Therapy to help you live a more empowered life. Go to BetterHelp.com/onboys to save 10%

Sponsor Spotlight: FITAID

Clean Energy + Sports Recovery. Go to drinkfitaid.com/ONBOYS and get 40% off

The Whole Child, Whole Life approach can help kids thrive.

Stephanie Malia Krauss, a mom of two boys and an author with a background in education and social work, wrote Whole Child, Whole life: 10 Ways to Help Kids Live, Learn, & Thrive because she realized that parents, educators, coaches, community leaders (and so many others!) all need to know how to nurture the whole child. Focusing on certain aspects of a child’s development — say, their academic or athletic development — while neglecting other aspects of the child’s identity can inhibit growth and even inflict harm.

“Kids bring their whole human selves onto the field and into the school building,” Krauss says. “You might see them as just ‘an athlete’ or ‘a student,’ but that’s not how they’re experiencing every interaction.”

Brokenness, shes says, shows up when a child is “persistently and chronically in environments and experiences that ignore, devalue, or demean aspects of themselves. It occurs when kids’ basic needs are not consistently met — when kids spend a lot of time in environments where they feel like they don’t belong.

Meeting Boys’ Basic Needs Can Help Them Become Whole

All humans have basic needs that must be met to sustain life. Children have additional basic needs that must be met if they are to thrive.

“Children – including tweens and teens — need time for play. They need downtime and they need purpose. They need a sense that they’re in this world for some reason,” Krauss says. Kids, of course, also need sleep, movement, and nutrition, but they need more of some of these things (sleep, for instance) than adults do.

Krauss encourages parents and educators to broaden their focus. Instead of aiming for “college and career readiness,” she wants adults to think about “what does this kid need for a long life that they love?”

In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Stephanie discuss:

• Wholeness vs brokeness
• 10 Whole Life practices
• Awe & wonder
• Brain/body connection
• Nurturing the whole child

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Whole Child, Whole Life: 10 Ways to Help Kids Live, Learn, & Thrive, by Stephanie Malia Krauss

stephaniemaliakrauss.com — Stephanie’s website

Making It: What Today’s Kids Need for Tomorrow’s World, by Stephanie Malia Krauss

The right hemisphere of your brain is your “wild creature mind,” says Steve Biddulph, the Australian author, psychologist, and family therapist known for his work on parenting and child development (including his seminal book Raising Boys).

It is richly connected to our body & memories, including memories that we no longer consciously recall. It communicates with us constantly via bodily sensations, sending us important messages.

We can tap into that, and we can help our children tap into that — and, in doing so, help us all realize that “emotions are not the whole story,” Steve says.

Try using the phrase “there is something in me” when discussing emotions and the accompanying sensations. There is a big difference between “I am furiously angry” and “There is something in me that is furiously angry.” That linguistic tweaking allows you to gain a bit of separation, to observe and notice your thoughts and sensations. The goal is not to eliminate the feeling or sensation, but to learn from it.

Anxiety isn’t something to eliminate

Anxiety isn’t necessarily problematic. It’s not a troublesome emotion that needs to be eliminated, Steve says.

“Anxiety is your wild creature mind, slashing at the bars, yelling at you,” he says. “Rightly or wrongly, it wants to get your attention about something.” So, when you feel anxiety, pause. Feel where it lives in your body. Try describing those sensations to yourself. Value, rather than dismiss, the sensations and experience of anxiety.

Your wild creature mind — the right hemisphere of your brain — is intended to work in conjunction with the left hemisphere of your brain. Yet because our societies have long prioritized rational, logical thinking, many of us have learned to ignore the stirrings of our wild creature mind. Tapping into it will allow us to “walk more slowly through life, love more deeply, and be happy with less,” Steve says.

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

stevebiddulph.com — Steve’s online home

Wild Creature Mind: The Neuroscience Breakthrough that Helps You Transform Anxiety and Live a Fiercely Loving Life, by Steve Biddulph

Fully Human with Raising Boys Author Steve Biddulph — ON BOYS episode

Steve Biddulph on Raising Boys — ON BOYS episode

Sponsor Spotlight: ByHeart 

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Stop, drop, grow, and glow?

That’s Holly Swenson’s advice to parents. Swenson, a RN-turned-writer and mom of 4 boys (currently ages 10, 13, 15, & 15) was approximately seven years into parenting when she realized that “when you are taking care of yourself, you’re better able to take care of everyone in her life.”

She & Jen talk about her book, Stop, Drop, Grow, & Glow: Forming Deeper & More Joyful Connections with Yourself & Your Children.

Takeaways:

• Self-awareness and self-care are essential for effective parenting.
• Balancing the needs and interests of multiple children requires intentionality and mindfulness.
• Reacting to situations can be counterproductive, while responding thoughtfully fosters deeper connections.
• Parenting is a journey of personal growth and self-improvement.
• The Stop, Drop, Grow, and Glow method encourages reflection, letting go of past experiences, cultivating growth and self-awareness, and embracing joy and gratitude. Self-care is essential for parents to show up as their best selves for their children.
• Children can be a catalyst for personal growth and healing for parents.
• Finding time for self-care may require creativity and microdosing self-care throughout the day.
• Water, such as taking a shower or bath, can be grounding and energizing for parents.
• Maintaining a sense of humor and lightness can help navigate the challenges of parenting.
• Prioritizing self-care and personal growth is an ongoing process that requires intention and discipline.

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Stop, Drop, Grow, & Glow: Forming Deeper & More Joyful Connections with Yourself & Your Children, by Holly Swenson

liveyourglow.live — Holly’s website

Mom is in Control with Heather Chauvin — ON BOYS episode

Sponsor Spotlight: Avoila

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“Spicy” boys are those who express themselves in big and loud ways, feel things intensely, and have energy to spare, says Mary Van Geffen, a popular Instagrammer and parent coach for Spicy Ones.

Spicy kids “have so much loyalty toward their own soul — and less to the adults’ agenda,” Mary says. They often are very persistent and quite emotionally intelligent. (Though often more attuned to their own emotions than others’.) It “can take a lot of energy to be with this child,” Mary notes.

Spicy boys are often world-changers. Their tendency toward change, questioning, experimentation, and new ideas can be challenging for parents who want their boys to follow directions and obey.

Calming your nervous system can help you effectively parent (and live with!) spicy boys. Taking regular “pause moments” is one way you can metaphorically “shut down all the tabs” in your brain, Mary says. Modeling meditation and pauses is also a powerful way to teach your boys how to manage their nervous systems.

Setting Boundaries & Expectations

Parents of spicy boys should also get clear about their own boundaries and expectations. Before going to the grocery store together, for instance, “decide what are your non-negotiables,” she says, and share that with your kids. “You have to decide what’s okay with you because I think a lot of the ‘feeling judged’ parents feel actually occurs when you’re judging yourself: Oh, a good mom would…”

You will need to clearly communicate your expectations to others who spend time with your kids, too. Communicate compassionately, especially when talking with parents and grandparents who may not understand the modern emphasis on consent and body boundaries, for instance. Set boundaries as needed, and remind yourself that good boundaries need reminders and reinforcements. “Don’t think for a minute that someone’s poor reaction to your boundary doesn’t mean it wasn’t a good boundary to set,” Mary says. “In some ways, it’s actually a validation. When someone gives you a very hard time for setting a boundary, it shows you that this a relationship that needs boundaries.”

In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Mary discuss:

• Characteristics of a Spicy One
• Why shame-based discipline approaches don’t work with spicy boys
• How your perceptions affect your parenting & relationship w your child
• Parenting when you are spicy or highly sensitive
• A sensual pause technique you can use to calm your nervous system
• How changing your voice can help you reach your kids
• Setting boundaries & managing others’ expectations
• Grocery shopping with boys

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

maryvangeffen.com – Mary’s website

https://www.instagram.com/maryvangeffen/ — Mary on Instagram

Highly Sensitive People Can Thrive — ON BOYS episode

Highly Sensitive Boys with William Allen — ON BOYS episode

Sensitive Boys (w Dr. Sandy Gluckman) — ON BOYS episode

Brain-Body Parenting w Dr. Mona Delahooke — ON BOYS episode

Positive Intelligence: Why Only 20% of Teams and Individuals Achieve Their True Potential and How You Can Achieve Yours — book by Shirzad Chamine (recommended by Mary)

Sponsor Spotlight: Green Chef

Healthy, Organic, Meal Kit Delivery Service. Use promo code ONBOYS60 to get 60% off & free shipping!

3 Green Chef meal kits

Need help with your boys?

Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin

Join Janet Allison’s real-time, monthly group coaching program, Decoding Your Boy 

Want to know how to motivate boys?

Toss out your outdated beliefs about boys and men, says Maggie Dent, Australia's "boy champion" and author of From Boys to Men: Guiding Our Teen Boys to Grow Into Healthy, Happy Men. 

"Our boys aren't these tough, unfeeling humans," she says. "They've got incredibly tender hearts, and with appropriate guidance they can grow to shine."

Boys Don't Want to Fail

Boys don't want to disappoint their parents. Or themselves. They don't want failing grades, lost homework, and dozens of uncompleted assignments. It may seem that way -- otherwise, they'd just do their work, right? But the reality is young, tween, and teen boys are still growing; they are still developing their organization and time management skills and sometimes (Ok, often), they fall behind. Nagging and browbeating them is not helpful. ("Of course that's not going to bring out the best in our boys," Maggie says.)

"We've got to be careful that we don't treat our boys harshly," Maggie says. Instead, "we really need to build understanding so we can support them and help them navigate the world." Yet in many places, shame and punishment are still the primary tools used to "motivate" boys.

Motivating Boys

The neurobiological changes of male puberty can actually affect boys' motivation -- and explaining that fact to young boys may prevent some negative self-talk that could otherwise further thwart their motivation.

Helping boys understand that relevance of school assignments and house rules to their lives can also increase their motivation. A boy who knows why something is important to his life (and how it will help him with things that matter to him) is more likely to follow through than a boy who doesn't understand why you want him to do something that seems absolutely irrelevant to him.

Boys may also need adult assistance to break down overwhelming, seemingly insurmountable tasks into smaller bits. Instead of telling a boy with failing grades to "bring up your grades," work with him to identify one subject to focus on. Together, develop a plan to pull up his grades in that one class. Support and encourage his efforts, and celebrate his achievements. His successes will fuel his sense of competence, which will lead to increased confidence.

"There's nothing better for confidence and motivation than small doses of success," Maggie says.

In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Maggie discuss:

• Why it’s essential to laugh w boys
• Giving boys time to grow
• How shame impedes boys’ motivation
• Why so many boys struggle in middle school & high school
• Pace of male development
• Helping boys with failing grades
• Responding to boys’ “crazy plans” (Pro tip: The phrase “give it some thought” is your friend!)
• Empowering boys’ inner compass
• Gaming & digital technology
• The power of positive noticing
• 
  

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

MaggieDent.com — Maggie’s website (LOTS of good stuff here, including a link to her podcast, Parental as Anything, and links to her courses & books)

From Boys to Men: Guiding Our Teen Boys to Grow Into Healthy, Happy Men, by Maggie Dent

Gender Equality, Boys & Men — ON BOYS conversation w Richard V. Reeves (mentioned by Maggie)

Maggie Dent: What Teenage Boys Really Need — 2020 ON BOYS episode

Maggie Dent on Mothering Boys (Part 1) — ON BOYS episode

Maggie Dent on Mothering Boys (Part 2) — ON BOYS episode

unpluggedpsychologist.com — website of Brad Marshall, the “unplugged psychologist” mentioned by Maggie

Need help with your boys?

Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin

Join Janet Allison’s real-time, monthly group coaching program, Decoding Your Boy 

Damon Brown is a journalist, author, entrepreneur, and primary caregiver for his two young sons, ages 6 and 9. But from his earliest days of parenting, people assumed he was simply “helping” his wife. 

“I’d put on the Baby Bjorn and walk to the grocery story and hear ‘Oh, is it Daddy day?’ or ‘Are you taking over for Mom while she’s resting?'” Damon says. “And there’s a whole ‘nother layer to to it being African-American.” (Including backhanded compliments about “sticking around” to raise his children.)

Modeling Emotional Honesty

Damon describes himself as an emotionally honest person; he’ll tell you when he’s overwhelmed, upset, or happy. As a dad, he now realizes that emotional honesty is “one of the biggest gifts that I’m giving my boys.” Simultaneously, he reminds us that we must learn to accept emotional honesty from males.

How a Tech-Savvy Dad (who wrote for Playboy) Talks about Screen Time & Sex

Damon brings some advantages to parenting boys: Unlike many modern parents, he’s tech- and culture-savvy. In 2008, he wrote Porn & Pong: How Grand Theft Auto, Tomb Raider, & Other Sexy Games Changed Our Culture, a book that examined the impact of video games and porn on popular culture. He even co-founded an intimacy app, Cuddlr (way back in 2014!).

Damon says he’s handling his sons’ exposure to technology “very carefully.” He knows, from personal experience, that simply setting borders and boundaries isn’t effective. “It’s not just a matter of saying, ‘don’t do this,'” Damon says. “It’s more, ‘If you’re going to tread in these territories, these are the mile makers and this is the compass.'”

He talks to his boys about intimacy and boundaries — not only “this is what a boundary is” and “respect the boundaries of other people,” but also “respect the boundaries of yourself.” Boys too rarely hear that last part; they need to know that it’s okay to not want sexual or intimate contact (and that they have the right and responsibility to say no. Too often, people who are raising boys forget to emphasize that point.

Helping Boys Understand Independence

Boys (and men) today still feel a lot of pressure to be independent. At age 9, Damon’s oldest son has already unconsciously internalized the idea that guys should be self-reliant — so when he got stuck on his homework, he simply stopped doing it.

Damon corrected his son’s mis-interpretation of indepence. “Independence,” he told the boy, “is getting the support you need to create the life that you want.”

In the moment, the child was unimpressed. But Damon knows his son will eventually need to ask for help, so he’s talking about independence and help-seeking now. Raising boys is a long game.

In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Damon discuss:

• How our family experiences affect our parenting
• Cultural & societal expectations of dads
• Emotional honesty
• Generational growth
• Screentime, technology, & intimacy
• Teaching boys about boundaries, consent, intimacy, & independence
• 
  

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

damonbrown.net — Damon’s website

Porn & Pong: How Grand Theft Auto, Tomb Raider, & Other Sexy Games Changed Our Culture, by Damon Brown

Dads Need Therapy; Black Dads Aren’t Getting It — Yahoo article by Damon

Why You Should Strive for Good Enough — one of Damon’s TED talks

#BringYourWorth — Damon’s YouTube TV show

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Jen wearing Mommy Makeup

Need help with your boys?

Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin

Join Janet Allison’s real-time, monthly group coaching program, Decoding Your Boy 

How often do we really listen to boys & young men?

Not nearly often enough! There’s been a lot of chatter lately about boys & young men, masculinity, and the growing gender gap in politics – and very little public input from boys & young men themselves. In this episode, Jen & Janet talk with Lance Walker, a 26 yr old man from Utah. Like so many males his age, Lance has learned that boys’ and men’s perspectives aren’t always welcome. As he says, “We are never given license to speak.”

We encourage you to listen as he describes his experiences in school (including being started on ADHD medication in 3rd grade) and in the world.

Takeaways:

• Boys’ perspectives on masculinity are often overlooked.
• There is a stigma associated with boys expressing their feelings.
• Open dialogue about gender dynamics is essential.
• Boys need to be included in conversations about their experiences.
• Understanding the role of community in boys’ development is important.
• Boys often feel shame in expressing their struggles.
• The future of gender discussions requires sensitivity and awareness. The emotional journey of becoming a man is complex and often fraught with societal expectations.
• Shame and responsibility are significant themes in discussions about masculinity.
• Perceptions of men as threats can lead to feelings of fear and vulnerability.
• Boys are often seen as needing to fit into a rigid educational model that may not suit them.
• Cultural perspectives on masculinity can shape how boys view themselves and their roles in society.
• Dialogue and understanding are crucial in addressing the challenges faced by boys and young men.
• The importance of recognizing boys as human beings with their own experiences and emotions.
• Educational systems may need to adapt to better engage boys in learning.
• There is a need for more voices from young men in discussions about masculinity and societal expectations.
• The conversation around masculinity must include diverse perspectives to foster understanding and growth.

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Lance’s Substack

ADHD with Ryan Wexelblatt the ADHD Dude — ON BOYS episode

Talking to Tween & Teen Boys — ON BOYS episode

Sports & Masculinity — ON BOYS episode

Sponsor Spotlight: IXL

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Sponsor Spotlight: Hello Fresh

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Sponsor Spotlight: Boys Are Great

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Play is a powerful tool for parenting & child development.

Mr. Rogers once said “Play is serious learning” and “the work of childhood,” and we and our guest, Georgie Wisen-Vincent, couldn’t agree more.

That’s not to say or imply that play is serious or work in the way that most of adults think of “serious” or “work.” Rather, it’s to underscore the fact that play — as fun as it can be! — is not a frivolity. It’s not trivial or unimportant at all. In fact, it’s absolutely vital for health human development.

“Play is essential for long-term success,” Georgie says. Yet no one really teaches parents how to engage in & support their children’s play. In this episode, we share some fun, easy strategies you can use to play with your kids.

Takeaways:

• Short moments of play can have significant developmental benefits.
• Involving children in household tasks can be a form of play.
• Play helps build emotional connections and communication skills.
• Using play can make daily routines more enjoyable for families.
• Children learn empathy and social skills through play. Repetition in play is crucial for neural development.
• Children often express emotions through playful scenarios.
• Pretend play allows children to process aggression safely.
• Joining children in play can ease transitions from screens.
• Nature provides a nurturing environment for play.
• Incorporating play into daily life strengthens family bonds.

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

The Way of Play: Using Little Moments of Big Connection to Raise Calm, Confident Kids, by Tina Payne Bryson and Georgie Wisen-Vincent 

The Center for Connection

PlayStrong Institute

Teacher Tom on Connections & Play-Based Learning – ON BOYS episode

Gun Play & Boys – ON BOYS episode

Sponsor Spotlight: IXL

The world’s most popular subscription-based learning site for K–12! Get 20% off at ixl.com/TODAY

Sponsor Spotlight: Hello Fresh

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How can parents overcome their fears and worries so they can say YES to their boys’ interests and passions?

That’s the question we discuss with Heather Sponholz, a “boy mom” who’s said yes to her teenage sons’ solo National Parks trips, MMA fighting, and ambitious Christmas lights project.

Takeaways:

• Navigating the balance between freedom and safety for teenagers can be challenging for parents.
• Allowing teenagers to take solo trips can help them develop independence and learn important life skills.
• Trusting in your child’s ability to navigate challenges and make responsible decisions is essential.
• Supporting teenagers in pursuing their passions and interests can have a positive impact on their personal growth. Supporting and nurturing boys’ passions and interests is important for their personal growth and development.
• Parents should overcome their fears and worries and allow their children to pursue activities that they are passionate about.
• Community support and mentorship can play a crucial role in helping boys pursue their interests.
• Parents should prioritize their children’s passions and provide them with the necessary resources and opportunities to explore and excel in their chosen fields.
• Allowing boys to face challenges and learn from their experiences helps them develop problem-solving skills and resilience.

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Encouraging Independence — ON BOYS episode

Autonomy-Supportive Parenting — ON BOYS episode

Step In or Step Back? — ON BOYS episode

Age 16 & Learning to Let Go — BuildingBoys post

Sponsor Spotlight: Lumen

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Sponsor Spotlight: IXL

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Sponsor Spotlight: Avoila

Crisis and catastrophe no longer seem so rare.

There were 51 school shootings that resulted in injury or death in 2022. Wildfires are destroying communities and affecting air quality. Hurricanes, heat, infectious disease (malaria is back in the U.S & COVID-19 infections are rising), increasing rates of depression and suicide…it’s a lot. And that’s on top of the now-typical anxiety many parents and kids feel about school and sports performance.

“We, as parents and caregivers of kids, are constantly confronted by the low to loud crises and catastrophic conditions in our lives,” says Stephanie Malia Krauss, author of Whole Child, Whole life: 10 Ways to Help Kids Live, Learn, & Thrive. The question we’re faced with is, How do we support kids in challenging times? 

Whole Child, Whole Life Approach to Thriving

Parents & educators can take comfort in the fact that there are core practices that support health, healing, learning, & development, all at the same time. Work on these 5 categories:

1. Safe & supported. Physical and emotional safety are essential to kids’ well-being. How can you help your child feel safe & supported? (The answer may be different for each child.)
2. Rooted & connected. Do your children feel connected to and valued within a community? Do they feel settled?
3. Healthy & healing. How is your child’s physical and emotional health? Is he getting the support he needs for his body & brain? Sleep? Exercise? Nutrition?
4. Learning & growing. Novelty is actually a basic need for children, Stephanie says. Support & encourage kids’ curiosity, imagination, and learning.
5. Living with joy & purpose. Does your child’s life include joy & purpose? How can you include more joy & purpose?

“Those five conditions of thriving will protect and support a kid even in catastrophe or crisis,” Stephanie says. She reminds parents that “we have so much power to create conditions that will help our kids weather adversity.”

Taking time to meet your own needs is another way you can help your kids thrive. “Thriving begets thriving,” Stephanie says, “and it is even more contagious than anxiety.”

In this episode, Jen & Stephanie discuss:

• Navigating ever-changing, new challenges
• Managing our anxiety
• Hyper- and hypo-alertness as response to stress
• “Customizing calm”

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

“Whole Child, Whole Life” w Stephanie Malia Krauss — ON BOYS episode

Whole Child, Whole Life: 10 Ways to Help Kids Live, Learn, & Thrive, by Stephanie Malia Krauss

stephaniemaliakrauss.com — Stephanie’s website

Sponsor Spotlight: Better Help

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Empowering boys and dyslexic learners could positively change so many lives.

Jason Kantor, a New York-based homeschool tutor who frequently works with boys and dyslexic learners, believes it’s important to identify kids’ strengths and build them up, so they develop true confidence in themselves and their ability. Especially because so many boys and people with dyslexia attend schools that focus on their flaws and shortcomings, rather than their strengths.

“A dyslexic who goes to the public school system can feel tormented because they feel dumb,” Kantor says. “They’re sitting there in class and can’t read and think I’m not catching up with my peers, I’m struggling, everyone thinks I’m lazy and unmotivated.” Eventually, these thoughts and feelings leach motivation, and kids lose confidence in their ability.

“You can throw the best reading tips and tools at kids, and have the best teachers, but if kids don’t believe in themselves, they’re not going to learn to read,” Kantor says. To effectively help “failing” or “unmotivated” learners, he said, you must first believe in them – and show them that you believe they can do great things.

Nurture Kids’ Interests to Help Them Learn

“Most kids don’t care about school, so when they fail, they’re like, whatever,” Jason says. But when kids are given the opportunity to do things that matter to them and fall short of their goals, they tend to keep trying.

“It’s easier for kids to swallow failure and bounce back when it’s something they want to get better at,” he says. So, when he works with kids, one of the first things he tries to determine is what they’re interested in and passionate about.

Jason encouraged one boy, age 15, to start a pizza business. The boy loved to cook, so Jason encouraged him to “take it to the next level.” He’s since developed a recipe, contacted multiple farmers’ markets, and has 11 scheduled bookings.

Encouraging and empowering boys and dyslexic learners allows them to develop resilience and confidence.

In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Jason discuss:

• Believing in boys
• Symptoms of dyslexia
• Confidence and exploration for dyslexics
• Intrinsic motivation & relationships
• Belief and ambition
• Building self-belief through encouragement

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

@coachjasonkantor — Jason’s Instgram

@thejasonkantor – Jason on Twitter

Supporting Boys’ Interests — ON BOYS episode

Novel Education for Boys — ON BOYS episode

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 Sponsor Spotlight: Better Help

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Circumcision is a decision every boy parent must face – but what’s the truth behind the practice?

Let’s break down the facts and dispel the myths.

Culture & emotion influence circumcision rates

Surgical removal of the foreskin of the penis is incredibly common in some cultures & very rare in others. In the United States, approximately. 58% of male newborns are circumcised. But rates vary greatly by region – in the Midwest, it’s 74%; on the West coast, it’s 30%. 

Globally, about 1 in 3 males are circumcised, with great variation across countries and continents. In Australia, the circumcision rate is 27%. In Germany, it’s 11%. Zimbabwe, 9.2%. Italy, 3%. Ireland, 1%. Uganda, 26.7%. 

“The variation is really accounted for my cultural differences,” says Tim Hammond, executive director of the Genital Autonomy Legal Defense & Education Fund (GALDEF). He notes that circumcision is not recognized as healthcare in many countries — with some countries considering the procedure medically harmful. Myths, misinformation, superstition, and religion are often at the heart of the cultural reasons for circumcision.

“What I’ve learned in 35+ years of being involved in this issue is that it really comes down to an emotional decision,” Hammond says.

Circumcision isn’t medically necessary

Removal of the foreskin may confer some health benefits, including a reduced risk of urinary tract infections (UTIS), decreased risk of sexually transmitted infection (STIs), and a decreased risk of penile and cervical cancer.

However, there are other, less invasive ways for children to experience the same benefits, without undergoing surgical removal of the foreskin. Excellent hygiene can prevent many UTIs – and oral antibiotic treatment can easily treat UTIs. Consistent use of condoms during sexual activity can decrease the risk of STIs, including human papillomavirus (HPV), the virus that causes penile and cervical cancer. HPV vaccination can also prevent HPV infection.

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Genital Autonomy Legal Defense & Education Fund (GALDEF)

Circumcision: Where We Stand — American Academy of Pediatrics

Aug. 3 Double Feature Documentary Screening: Nurses of St. Vincent: Saying No to Circumcision and Facing Circumcision: 8 Doctors Tell Their Stories

Circumcision: The Hidden Trauma, by Ronald Goldman

doctorsopposingcircumcision.com

beyondthebris.com

bruchim.online

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Jen in one of her favorite Armoire rentals

Dads matter. 

Men matter. 

To become their best, boys need involved dads and male teachers, coaches, & mentors. 

But when Marion Hill began working in early childhood education in Phoenix, he “noticed there weren’t a lot of fathers around,” he says. Recognizing dads’ importance to kids’ social, emotional, and cognitive development, Marion devoted his effort to engaging dads. 

He co-founded of M.A.N. C.A.V.E (Men All Need to be Caring Actively-Engaged, and Encouraged), a fatherhood program designed to encourage fathers/male role models to be actively engaged in their child’s growth and development through training, monthly meetings and father-child activities. 

“When fathers are involved, children are more successful in school and life,” Marion says. “When fathers are not engaged, we see a 269% increase in the likelihood of a child being arrested for drug dealing or firearms possession, and the child is twice as likely to drop out of high school and seven times more likely to become a parent as a teen.” 

To thrive, children need both paternal nurturance and maternal nurturance. Paternal nurturance is “all about doing,” Marion says. Maternal nurturance is about empathy and interpersonal relations. Moms and dads “do things differently and it benefits the child,” he says. 

Most men want to be involved parents. But they need to be invited in by educational institutions, healthcare providers, and other parents. Bringing fathers into schools and healthcare settings would help kids, parents, teachers, and healthcare providers – and show boys (and girls) that males have a role to play in education, health, and childcare.

“We need to get rid of this perception that there is no use for fathers,” Marion says. Each of us has a role to play in supporting father involvement.

In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Marion discuss:

• Benefits of father involvement
• Finding father figures or male mentors
• Dad-style parenting
• Differences between paternal nurturance and maternal nurturance
• Obstacles to father involvement
• Inviting & supporting dad engagement
• Encouraging boys & men to consider nurturing professions
• Unconscious bias that affects father involvement

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

• M.A.N C.A.V.E Fatherhood Program
• Michael Gurian on Raising Boys – ON BOYS episode
• Dads, Boys, & Masculinity – ON BOYS episode
• Gender Equality, Boys and Men – ON BOYS episode featuring Richard V. Reeves

Need help with your boys?

Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin

Join Janet Allison’s real-time, monthly group coaching program, Decoding Your Boy 

Teacher Tom says “kids haven’t changed at all” over recent decades.

“Kids still need freedom to play, to follow their own curiosity,to ask and answer questions,and to learn how to get along with other people,” he says.

Nurturing Kids & Building Connections

The first five years of a child’s life “should be about how to live with these complicated things called emotions,” Tom says.

Children also need time and space to navigate emotions and social interactions. But “too often, we step in too soon,” Tom says. When adults hear bickering, arguing, or tears, they frequently step in and problem solve for the kids — which can adversely affect child development.

“We rob them of the chance to learn that basic skill of self-governance and self-control,” Tom says. Give the kids time. Left to their own devices, kids often come up with innovative solutions.

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Teacher Tom — Tom’s blog

Teacher Tom’s World — includes links to Teacher Tom’s courses, books, & speaking events

Teacher Tom’s Facebook page

Teacher Tom Talks About Boys, Emotions, & Play — ON BOYS episode

The Gardener & the Carpenter: What the New Science of Child Development Tells Us About the Relationship Between Parents & Children, by Alison Gopnik — book mentioned by Teacher Tom

The Link Between Freedom & Video Games — BuildingBoys post

Why You Need to Stop Focusing on Your Boys’ Bickering — BuildingBoys post

Sapiens: A Brief History of Humankind, by Yuval Harari — book mentioned by Teacher Tom

Sponsor Spotlight: Lumen

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Sponsor Spotlight: Dabble & Dollop

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Women are America’s safety net. 

Women provide the vast majority of child and elder care and care for the disabled. Women do the bulk of home- and community-tending, and they create and reinforce the ties that bind us together. Most of that labor is unpaid — and the little that is paid is typically poorly compensated.

This imbalance is clearly problematic for women, who are often exhausted and overworked. But it’s also a problem for boys, men, girls, and, well, everyone. If we don’t talk about this imbalance, our sons will grow up in a system that still devalues care work. They’ll see women, predominantly, as caregivers, and may conclude – incorrectly – that they’re not capable of childcare or elder care. Others may also assume that our boys and men aren’t capable of care.

How Our DIY Society Tricked Us All

Other countries use social safety nets to manage risk, says sociologist Jessica Calarco, author of Holding It Together: How Women Became America’s Safety Net. In contrast, the US “tries to DIY society,” Calarco says, essentially telling people “that if they just make the right choices for their kids and families, then they won’t actually need any support.”

That’s a lie, though. We all need help and support at various time throughout life. But “women’s unpaid and underpaid labor is maintaining this illusion that we can get by without a social safety net” in the United States, she says.

Busting Gender Stereotypes

From the time girls are old enough to hold a baby doll, we’re training them to be mothers. We don’t do the same for boys, at least not on a society-wide scale.

“Boys are often denied the opportunity to learn to be caregivers,” Calarco notes.

Despite the ubiquity of the Mars/Venus myth, which suggests that females are better suited to caregiving than males, there’s no solid scientific evidence to back up that assertion. “If anything, much of what we perceive as these innate gender differences roots back to early socialization,” Calarco says. “Even as young as infancy, adults treat babies differently if they perceive it to be a girl versus if they perceive it to be a boy.”

Research shows that the more caregiving experience an individual has, the more that person’s body will respond physiologically — by pumping out hormones like oxytocin — to caregiving activities. “This happens for both men and women,” Calarco says. “The more experience you have in caregiving capacities, the better at it you get.”

But while parents (and society at large) are now widely supportive of girls who bend traditional gender boundaries, they are much less comfortable with boys who bend and challenge gender stereotypes. Many parents (and grandparents) still aren’t comfortable giving boys dolls or letting them play house.

“This is a place where we can intervene,” Calarco says. “We can hold up examples of kids and adults pushing back against these boundaries and binaries. We can let them know ‘there’s many, many different ways to be a girl and many different ways to be a boy.’ And I think the more that we can encourage that kind of gender flexibility for both our boys and our girls, the better off they will be.”

Takeaways:

• Women are the safety net of America, providing unpaid and underpaid labor that holds everything together
• Systemic issues affect boys and families
• Devaluation of care work impacts societal perceptions of caregiving roles
• How neoliberalism and the myth of individualistic success have led to the exploitation of women’s labor
• The Mars/Venus myth perpetuates gender stereotypes and societal attitudes that devalue caregiving and reinforce gender hierarchies
• Fundamental shifts in societal attitudes and policies are necessary to address systemic issues and create a more equitable society
• Change begins at home, with the need to challenge gender roles and encourage caregiving experiences for both boys and girls

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Holding It Together: How Women Became America’s Safety Net — Jessica’s book

Kate Mangino on Teaching Boys to Be Equal Partners — ON BOYS podcast

Nursing, Boys, & Gender Stereotypes — 4-15-24 Building Boys Bulletin

Sponsor Spotlight: Dabble & Dollop

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Sponsor Spotlight: Armoire

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Kids “haven’t changed at all” during the 20+ years Teacher Tom has been working with young children, he says.

Parents have, though. And so has society. There’s an increased concern for safety and academic performance, and a lot of anxiety about kids’ futures. “I think there’s more fear, and more fear of their children falling behind,” Tom says.

Adult stress and anxiety appears to be trickling down to even the youngest children, as today’s preschoolers are more anxious and stressed than previous generations. But kids’ needs remain the same.

“Kids still need freedom to play, to follow their own curiosity,to ask and answer questions,and to learn how to get along with other people,” Tom says.

“Parenting” is Relatively New

Before the early 1960s, the word “parenting” was rarely used, especially in scholarly articles, literature, or books. The word parent denoted a relationship between people; today, parent is often used a verb. “Parenting” is something we do to other people — and we can judge the quality of parenting, we think, by its outcome.

But that’s not how relationships work. Our children are individual humans. We can’t control them; we can cultivate their growth by creating (and maintaining) nurturing environments for them.

Nurturing Kids’ Mental Health

The first five years of a child’s life “shouldn’t be about learning your phoncis. They shouldn’t be about how to do math. They should be about how to live with these complicated things called emotions,” Tom says.

Children also need time and space to navigate emotions and social interactions. But “too often, we step in too soon,” Tom says. When adults hear bickering, arguing, or tears, they frequently step in and problem solve for the kids — which can adversely affect child development.

“We rob them of the chance to learn that basic skill of self-goverance and self-control,” Tom says. Give the kids time. Left to their own devices, kids often come up with innovative solutions.

In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Tom discuss:

• Play-based learning
• Creating space & making time for kids’ learning
• How adults unintentionally interfere with kids’ emotional development
• The emotional arc
• Exploring gender
• Social learning

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Teacher Tom — Tom’s blog

Teacher Tom’s World — includes links to Teacher Tom’s courses, books, & speaking events

Teacher Tom’s Facebook page

Teacher Tom Talks About Boys, Emotions, & Play — ON BOYS episode

The Gardener & the Carpenter: What the New Science of Child Development Tells Us About the Relationship Between Parents & Children, by Alison Gopnik — book mentioned by Teacher Tom

The Link Between Freedom & Video Games — BuildingBoys post

Why You Need to Stop Focusing on Your Boys’ Bickering — BuildingBoys post

Sapiens: A Brief History of Humankind, by Yuval Harari — book mentioned by Teacher Tom

Sponsor Spotlight: Stokke

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Sponsor Spotlight: Better Help

Therapy to help you live a more empowered life. Go to BetterHelp.com/onboys to save 10%

Sponsor Spotlight: Green Chef

Healthy, Organic, Meal Kit Delivery Service. Use promo code ONBOYS60 to get 60% off & free shipping!

3 Green Chef meal kits

Need help with your boys?

Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin

Join Janet Allison’s real-time, monthly group coaching program, Decoding Your Boy 

Andrew Reiner says it’s essential to spend time nurturing boys’ mental health & resiliency.

As a college professor, Reiner sees what happens when boys aren’t taught resiliency and don’t develop the skills they need to support mental wellness. “I started noticing a chasm between the effort that my male students was putting forward and the effort my female students were putting forward,” says Reiner, a professor in the English department at Towson University. The boys in his class were just as intelligent and capable as their female counterparts, but weren’t consistently completing assignments — or showing up to class. Many were also experiencing mental health challenges, including depression, anxiety, and burnout.

Why College-Age Boys Struggle When Girls Don’t

Contrary to popular belief, nagging your son to complete and hand in homework (and study for tests) in middle school and high school will not necessarily prepare him for success in college. In many cases, parental pressure (& hovering) leads to chronic stress, and when parents (and teachers and society) focus more attention on academics than the development of coping skills, resiliency, and stress reduction techniques, boys may arrive at adulthood without the skills they need to protect and preserve their mental health.

Because our culture expects boys and men to be strong and self-sufficient, many males lack support systems — and that’s a big part of why college-aged guys are struggling more than college-aged women.

“There is positively no safety net,” Reiner says. “There is nothing.” Boys who have internalized the cultural imperative of self-sufficiency feel like they are “failing” as men when they struggle. And that sense of failure and the resulting shame makes it extremely difficult for boys to seek help and support.

Build Relationships with Boys Instead of Pushing Academics

Browbeating boys about academics does not spur their to greater learning or achievement. Instead, in most cases, it fuels deep feelings of shame and failure, while weakening the connection between the boy and those who care about him.

Shame and belittling lead to “repressed feelings of anxiety, depression, and hostility,” says Reiner, author of Better Boys, Better Men: The New Masculinity that Creates Greater Courage and Emotional Resiliency. “All it does is make boys feel like failures.”

Focus instead on building and strengthening your relationship with your son. “Research says boys do better in relationships,” Reiner says. “Boys do better — and they thrive — when they are in relationships with adults who mean something do them.” Boys, he says, “want to know that they are liked and they are accepted.

“We need to let them know that, regardless of their flaws, we love them and appreciate who they are becoming as young men.”

In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Andrew discuss:

• Common mental health challenges for male college students
• How (& why) a gap year can help college-aged men
• How cultural expectations of masculinity hinder boys’ coping abilities
• The corrosive effects of parental nagging about academics
• Building meaningful relationships with boys
• Teaching boys what independence means & looks like
• Modeling & normalizing emotional language
• Leading with empathy & curiosity instead of judgement
• The 2 things boys need before they’ll open up to you
• Why we must LISTEN to boys
• Reconnecting with college-age boys
• Fostering boys’ friendships

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

andrewreinerauthor.com –– Andrew’s website

College Crisis: Male Students are Struggling Emotionally. Here’s How to Help. – Baltimore Sun op-ed by Andrew

Better Boys, Better Men: The New Masculinity that Creates Greater Courage and Emotional Resiliency, by Andrew Reiner

Need help with your boys?

Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin

Join Janet Allison’s real-time, monthly group coaching program, Decoding Your Boy 

Raising boys isn’t easy. Living isn’t easy! But with patience, trust, and community support, it’s easier — & more pleasant.

In this wide-ranging conversation, Janet Allison & Jennifer L.W. Fink , the hosts of ON BOYS podcast, discuss the reality of raising boys in 2024.

Takeaways:

• Nobody has it all figured out.
• Letting there be room for not knowing is crucial.
• Learning to tolerate discomfort is part of the process.
• Trusting the unfolding of our children’s development is essential.
• You are a different parent than you were a year ago.
• Boy development is trustworthy and unique to each child.
• Watch your boys, not the clock; focus on their growth.
• Look at your kid, not the milestones set by society.
• Parenting is the greatest personal development course.
• Let go and let us be your safety net.

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Dealing with Change, Anxiety, & Energy (Listener Q & A) — ON BOYS episode

Trust — BuildingBoys blog post

Trust Your Boys — BuildingBoys blog post

Breakthrough Session for Family Coaching

Schedule your no-cost call with Janet at https://boysalive.com/call

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There’s a connection between adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) & muscle dysmorphia, which is a strong desire to bulk up your body.

According to new research by Kyle Ganson, an assistant professor in Canada & a licensed clinical social worker who’s worked with teenagers & young adults, boys who experience abuse, neglect, incarceration or divorce of a parent, poverty, or parental mental illness or substance use, are more likely to develop muscle dysmorphia. That’s important because it a) suggests ways to prevent muscle dysmorphia and b) indicates which boys may benefit from screening and intervention.

Many well-meaning adults miss (or ignore) the symptoms of muscle dysmorphia because, on the surface, many of those symptoms appear healthy. A sudden, dedicated interest in fitness is often praised by parents & coaches; so is boys’ desire to “eat healthy.” But muscle dysmorphia is unhealthy and can become physically and emotionally damaging. Boys and men who are obsessed with bulking up may prioritize working out over all else. They may decline social outings and family gatherings that revolve around food.

Adults may assume that a boy’s desire to bulk up is rooted in his desire to obtain a specific “look.” But “sometimes for boys, it’s not always about the aesthetic appearance; it’s about the function,” Kyle says. That may be especially true for boys who were bullied or abused.

What the research says about ACES & muscle dysmorphia

Kyle’s research showed that children who experience 5 or more ACEs are more likely than others to develop symptoms of muscle dysmorphia. That association “was particularly strong for boys & young men,” he says. In fact, 30% of young boys who had 5 or more ACES were at clinical risk of muscle dysmorphia. (For comparison, only 10% of the girls who had 5 or more ACEs were at clinical risk of muscle dysmorphia.) The researchers also found that boys who experienced multiple ACEs were more likely than others to use performance enhancing drugs and supplements.

Please note: Not all children who have ACEs experience adverse outcomes. However, if your son has a history of ACEs, stay alert for possible symptoms of muscle dysmorphia. If he shows a sudden interest in going to the gym or changing his diet, Kyle recommends approaching him with “respectful curiosity.” Ask questions; listen carefully.

In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Kyle discuss:

• Symptoms of muscle dysmorphia
• The link between ACEs & muscle dysmorphia
• Why ACES may increase the risk of muscle dysmorphia for boys
• Dealing with diet culture
• Talking to healthcare professionals about muscle dysmorphia

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Adverse Childhood Experiences and Muscle Dysmorphia Symptomatology: Findings from a Sample of Canadian Adolescents and Young Adults — Kyle’s research study

Body Image, Eating Disorders, & Boys — ON BOYS episode

Helping Boys Develop Healthy Body Image — ON BOYS episode

Boys & Body Image — ON BOYS episode

Why Now is the Best Time to Raise Boys (w Michael Reichert) — ON BOYS episode

Picky Eaters, Family Meals, & Nutrition — ON BOYS episode

Sponsor Spotlight: HomeThreads

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You can build your village, says Florence Ann Romano.

Most of us have heard that “it takes a village” to help children and adults thrive. We also want to know where $%@ the village went! Parenting today — often, far from extended family — can be an isolating experience.

You don’t have to do it all alone, though. In her new book Build Your Village: Guide to Finding Joy and Community in Every Stage of Life, Romano, a childcare advocate and former nanny, shows parents how to create and nurture community.

Your Village Should Be Unique

“Trying to replicate other people’s villages is where we get into a little bit of trouble,” Romano says. We can feel inferior and depleted when we compare our “village” — our support system — to others. But we all have unique needs, skills, and talents, so our villages should look different.

“Every family has their own ethos and values,” Romano says.

You need to be vulnerable and honest when you begin building (or shoring up) your village. That part can be uncomfortable; it’s hard to admit — even to ourselves — what we need and might be missing. But “asking for help is absolutely imperative,” Romano says.

Taking time to identify your passions and personal interests can also help you populate your village. Why not join a local MeetUp group, or volunteer at, say, your local humane society? Interacting with people who share common interests and goals increases the likelihood that you’ll connect with others who “get” you. And that’s a big part of any village.

“No matter how old you are, you want to be seen, heard, and understood,” Romano says.

In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Florence discuss:

• What 15 years of nannying taught Florence Ann about boys
• How the COVID-19 pandemic affected about ability to build village
• The 6 villagers you need in your village
• Helping your boys build their village
• How nurturing your friendships can help your boys build a healthy village
• How helping others can help you build your village
• How males build a village

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Build Your Village: A Guide to Finding Joy and Community in Every Stage of Life, by Florence Ann Romano

How to Have a Kid and a Life — ON BOYS podcast

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Therapy to help you live a more empowered life. Go to BetterHelp.com/onboys to save 10%

Sponsor Spotlight: Green Chef

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Which ON BOYS episodes were the Best of 2024? 

Photo by ALINA MATVEYCHEVA via Pexels

Your favorites include:

5. Needed: Boy-Friendly Schools

Tyler, a 16-year-old Texas boy, started struggling in middle school. Recess was no more. Classes were 90 minutes long. So, “he found it really hard to sit still in class,” says Julie Jargon, the Wall Street Journal Family & Tech columnist who interviewed Tyler for her series on boys and education. Now a high school student, Tyler suggests that “instead of making guys change the way they behave, maybe schools should change the way they’re structured.”

4. Middle School: Misunderstood or Magic?

“This is a very pervasive story, that middle school is terrible. But it doesn’t have to be. We make it terrible by working directly against the developmental needs of middle schoolers and designing these buildings and classes in way that make their lives really hard,” says veteran educator Chris Balme, author of Finding the Magic in Middle School: Tapping into the Power and Potential of the Middle School Years.

3. Modern Male Puberty is Awkward

Your son may well be annoying, thoughtless, disrespectful, disorganized, smelly, and messy during puberty. None of that means he’ll end up that way as an adult. And none of it means that you’re doing (or have done) something wrong.

“The path to building kind, empathic, loving, thoughtful men is a very windy, bumpy road,” Vanessa says. “And at every step of the way, it can be really tempting to lose faith.”

2. How to Raise a Healthy Gamer

“Right now, there is an antagonistic relationship between most parents & their kids around video gaming,” Dr. K says. “You think they need to cut back; they don’t think they have a problem. Then, as parents start to institute limits, children will try to undermine them. Even if you ‘win’ in this scenario, you lose.”

It’s more helpful, he says, to establish a collaborative relationship.

1. Set Boys Up for School Success

“It’s really essential that we, as parents & educators of boys, are preparing them to navigate the struggles within school,” says Dr. Todd (Jason) Feltman, author of Transforming into a Powerful Third, Fourth, or 5th Grade Navigator of School Success.  “It’s not just the academic struggles but also the socialization, the physical and emotional struggles.”

A few of our other 2024 favorites:

Color Blindness in Boys

Circumcision: Facts & Myths