NAMELESS BEST FRIENDS (Paige Harbison & Beth Harbison)

An intro to the gang! Hosts Paige and Beth are kept on track by producer Jack as we prepare to kick off the new podcast where we chit chat about Hallmark movies and other insipid delights. Please download this episode and subscribe, apparently it matters!

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Our first episode! Since we didn't say it in the episode, the rundown is this: Beth is the mother, Paige and Jack are her children. Beth and Paige are authors, Jack is a musician! Phew, that's out of the way.

In this episode, we watch "Where Are You, Christmas?" from Hallmark 2023's first weekend of Countdown to Christmas movies. Please, please, please don't forget to rate, subscribe, download--it's the only way we can afford to keep going. :) Thank you and happy early, early, early holidays!

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"Checkin' it Twice" or "Gingerbread Lasso & the Real Estate Agent Who's Not at Work Right Now"

Join the gang as we dive into this sporty book romance that has nothing to do with Christmas, even though it is the beginning of the Hallmark Countdown to Christmas!

Please share with your friends, rate, subscribe, and download! :)

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I hate when I get stuff in my eye and can't go to space to touch the sun.

please share and download! the more active listeners we have, the more power to do this that we have. <3

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Everyone was talking about Barbie and Ken this year, but they SHOULD have been talking about Ken and Candace. Come on down and find out what a blanket means in a Hallmark movie, what Victorian Adrian Grenier was doing in this film, and meet our very first guest, filmmaker and Hollywood mover and shaker, Richie Costales!!

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Listen to Jack's music and save his artist page so you're ready for his upcoming album!

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or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Elfcapades

HOW did they say 'elfcapades' so many times with a straight face? Why are there so many mechanics and cars in these movies? Why does this woman hate loungewear so much? Is her landlord worse than Paige's? (no, Paige's is still worse)

Keep sharing this podcast with your nameless friends, moms, boyfriends, girlfriends, sisters, aunts, and everyone else! It means the world to us, and watching over thirty of these movies is no small feat, so we really appreciate the support. Don't forget to rate us (five stars of course)!

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or..."BONJER, CHOCLET, ; JHWYUUUU NOWELLLL "

this is NOT about the 2005 drama about the Christmas ceasefire in WW1

Here's the trope rundown for this one: a copywriter wants to be a 'real' reporter so she and a gruff co-worker go to a tiny village in France to uncover a romantic mystery and fall in love along the way. Includes a precocious child, lots of gnomes, a hotelier with a lawsuit in her future, and a literal sex symbol.

Please rate us five stars and review us and download the episodes and share with your friends! We're just getting our feet off the ground so every share IRL, every Insta story share, every five stars helps us more than you could possibly know!!!!

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Or: "The Notebook 2: The Rise of the Video Cartoons"

Here's the trope here: two people inherit something and fall in love about it.

This one has it all! A snowball fight, a paint fight, a meet-hate, and a bunch of other things that made the Harrisons say WHAT IS GOING ON?!?!??!?!? and made Paige draw an actual family tree to make feeble sense of it all.

Thanks so much for all your listening and sharing--we're noticing and it's making a big difference already! Keep going! Share with your nameless best friends and nameless relatives and friends and employees and coworkers! And then rate and review us nicely and lovingly and with 5 stars. <3

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OR: "The Real Family Was the Throuple We Made Along the Way"

EPISODE 8!!! Time to learn what it’s like when we actually LIKE one of these movies. I mean…we have notes but…this one was fun. But going to this high school sounds like a living nightmare.

Thank you all for listening, thank you so much for downloading and rating us 5 stars! ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ It is actually starting to make a difference, and that’s really exciting. The more listeners we and ratings and downloads we have, the more we can do, so thank you so much and keep telling your nameless best friends about us!!

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Jack's album is coming out in just a few weeks, so go over to Spotify and follow him there or on his instagram for updates so you can hear his new music or at LEAST hear Paige's new song on his album, amirite?

If you didn't find us through Paige's instagram, check it out for her one minute Hallmark spoofs!

And as always, check out Beth Harbison's book list for actually GOOD stories with plots and everything. She's a New York Times Bestseller you know!

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or: "The Harbisons Get Religion"

Welp. This movie is perfect. I'd apologize, but this might have been our favorite episode to record to date. Was it because we'd consumed a bottle and a half of wine before deciding to record the podcast in the middle of the night after watching the movie because we just COULDN'T WAIT to talk about it?? Yeah, partially. But also, rarely does Hallmark give us a gift that is this GOOD! Especially when the trailer gave us the LOWEST expectations. Ugh, look at me. Look at me! I can't even stop in the caption. I must control myself.

As always, thank you so much for listening and sharing. We are so grateful to our listeners!! Keep on downloading, giving us 5 stars, and sharing with your nameless best friends. Follow us on Instagram for more fun supplementary content and updates! The more you share and rate and download, the more fun stuff we can do in the future. Please, don't make Jack get a job at a restaurant.

Speaking of Jack, find him on Spotify and follow him for his upcoming album here, or follow him on Instagram or both!

Read Beth's backlog for other great stories and follow her on instagram, read Paige's books too or follow her on Insta for some funny content!

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I always skip the bonus material in the podcasts I listen to, but maybe I shouldn't because now I see that it actually MATTERSSSSSUH. Okay, so this is an announcement for our very first Patreon episode, and if you miss it then you might be out of the loop on an upcoming mainstream episode. Just sayin....

<3

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or "The Fellowship of the Seasonal Fling"

Plot: Two friends try to get to a town that celebrates Christmas all year long but on account of car trouble they fall in love with two losers instead.

In case you didn't like it when we liked the movies last week, NEVER FEAR. Ugh. Here we go. Paige had to turn down her mic on this one.

But we had fun as always!

Thanks so much for sharing and rating us 5 stars, please, keep doing it! We're starting to get some momentum! Let's keep it going!!! Share, share, share! Download!!

Thanks all!!

<3

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or: "Captain Hot Cocoa & the Wetter Weather"

An awful rich family is stranded by a pilot, whom they blame for the bad weather, on an island around Christmastime. Love ensues.

Well, this is a movie with Belsnickel in it. A lobster death tree, a lot of food in actor's mouths (but not ours, don't fret), and we talk about the first note of the happy birthday song.

Speaking of songs, listen to jack sing some! Paige is on some too. His new album comes out soon, but you've never heard his old music, so that's new to you!

Our instagram is fun, come be a part of the discourse!

We're about to release our first Patreon! Get in on the inside jokes and join the club!

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or "I Broke My Ornament 2: Adventures Of The Alliterative American"

In this one, a woman trusts a comedian at a shipping facility to ship her most prized worldly possessions across the world for a bargain price and then she goes to a beautiful place to wait for them to arrive broken. AKA, a foreign language film about an unwell woman.

In this one we discuss asking a flight attendant to por favor sit right next to los baños, we try to prove Beth wrong but it does't really work, and we discuss Chekov's Dog.

Thank you so much for rating and sharing and reviewing! We're gearing up for a biiig old Thanksgiving weekend, don't forget to subscribe and download and tell all your nameless family members about the podcast this weekend!!!! <3

Jack's new album drops ON thanksgiving! Follow him on Spotify now so you get first dibs on listening!

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or, "Ok, Whippersnapper"

You know how when your sixteen year old doesn't get to go on a snowboarding trip and you don't have a passport you go ahead and book an Airbnb for a lighthouse where you have to work the entire time you're there? Well, so do the players of this particular melodrama.

This one is a long one, so buckle up! If you're traveling home from Thanksgiving, this one is perfect because it'll get you halfway home. We considered breaking it into two episodes, but figured you can simply pause it and not deal with extra ads.

In this one, we discuss the ill use of lamaze bellies, wolves, and the reminder that even the most boring couple you know has an origin story. FYI, Paige's stomach DID hurt and she really didn't think it would.

Jack's new album is finally out!! Download it and listen to it on Spotify here or on Apple Music here!

This reminded us of one of Beth's books, Every Time You Go Away, which you can find here!

And as usual, Paige is out there doing funny things on Insta. No one can make her stop.

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or: Bagpipe Anastasia

THOMAS THOMAS THOMAS THOMAS THOMA--sorry.

Ahem.

Two estranged siblings can't decide if they wan't a free castle. Yeah, that's really what happens in this movie! We discuss Thomas, Fiveheads, medieval intrigue, and Paige gets a new hat made out of the outdoors.

Keep on rating us and downloading us and sharing us, it really makes a difference! Jack is starting to apply to restaurants and we're getting closer and closer to losing him, so please share as much as you can and join our patreon if it's in your budget! <3 Also listen to his new album which is out now on spotify and apple!

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or: "You'll Believe a Man Can Fry"

Well, well, well! This was a movie with many names, sponsored, we think, by the Nickname Organization (to donate, please send any and all donations to Venmo at @paigeharbison)

This is a movie about a "British" "chef" who works at a holiday hotline for people who cook their turkeys with the plastic on and then call other adults to ask if it's okay to do that. She falls in love with someone, and they have in common the fact that they are both lying about their names. But he hates that about her.

In this one, we discuss the correct chicken way to pronounce "MACABRE," we learn about Gazoo, and Jack plays the guitar for .8 seconds at the very end with EXTREME reluctance. "You'll Believe a Man Can Fry" was Jack's alt title which he got in the first record of the episode (yes we had to record this one TWICE) and forgot about in this one, so please appreciate his Superman reference.

Speaking of Jack, his new album is out! Check it out on Spotify and Apple Music! Every listen helps!

Here's the book of Beth's that we reference, Secrets of A Shoe Addict. It's a sequel, but you can read out of order if you want. Otherwise, here is the first one! And hey let's go totally out of order, here's the third one, a novella, which became a Hallmark movie!

And thank you so much for listening and sharing and downloading and rating us. It makes more of a difference than we ever knew when we were just listeners of podcasts. Tell all your nameless friends! Share on socials! Tell the worlllllld!

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or: "Cloudy with a Chance of Nepotism" -- This one is about a woman who wants to be an on-air reporter but instead, meets Santa's son.

In this one we are joined by chief meteorologist from NBC2, Allyson Rae! Also, she and Paige have been Nameless Best Friends for over a decade. She gives us her take on the Pig Diver journal, we agree that we'd like to party with the theater troupe in spite of the accents and dental work, and we rename the lead actor Luke McGarland.

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Consider joining us over on Patreon where things are heating up--we're starting to upload some fun recipes and we're gearing up for super fun episodes. <3

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or "18 USC Section 1702" -- Not to be all Cliff Claven about it, but um it's illegal to open someone else's mail...

So yeah, two brats gets a magical pen and a meddling grandmother uses lying to parent-trap two toxic people back together (for a while, they def break up after the movie ends).

In this one Paige goes full Fa La La Kent, we wonder where the puppy went, and of course, discuss mail law.

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Things are heating up on Patreon, we're uploading recipes and gearing up to do special episodes soon, so get your coffers ready!

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or.... "Nobody Blow"

In this one, a bunch of people can't get to Denver but insist on going, and going together.

Ugh. In this we discuss Paige's brief but endless lifetime on Concourse C in the Atlanta airport, the wax figuring at MCO, and discuss Tragedy Anne's insurance fraud scam.

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or..."A Bad Case of the Jolly Johnsons" -- It's here! The sequel to Haul Out the Holly! We covered the original episode in a Patreon episode, so if you wanna catch up, cough up. But if not, it's okay, it's just a fun lil romp and you'll probably be able to keep up without our original quips.

In this one, Evergreen Lane is alight again, but some reality stars on the block again to drive Lacey Chabert MAD. It's HILARIOUS. We recommend you watch this one! For real!

Please keep rating us, sharing us, downloading us, telling your nameless best friends about us, and posting about us on Instagram and everywhere else! It makes SUCH a difference. And to our Patrons--oh my gosh. What superstars you are! <3

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or..."Bend it Like Bethlehem" or also "The Newbourne King," man, Paige was really on FIRE coming up with alternate titles for this one. Here's one Beth hated and Paige loved! A first for Nameless Best Friends, but not a first in life. In this one, the NBFFs discuss jiffypop hats (and they don't care), more inevitable Ted Lasso comparisons come up, and some dreamy imaginings of the eighties in London with trench coats and walkmen playing a-ha are wafted around.

If you're a fan of Ted Lasso, be aware or beware that next week on Patreon we'll be releasing a special episode covering Hannah Waddingdam's Christmas Special on Apple Plus! Not only that, but our special guest will be Richie! Beth, Paige, and Richie will be recording the episode after heading to a night of comedy at the Largo in LA where Brett Goldstein (Roy Kent himself) will be in attendance, so hopefully we'll have some gravelly voiced gossip from that too!

Thank you so much for sharing, downloading, and telling all your nameless best friends about us IRL and on the internets, it makes such a difference! We love you! We would give you five stars if we could!

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or...."Grandma Got Run Over By a Troll Subplot."-- It's hard to believe "Letters to Santa" was even on the same channel as this. You know what I'm saying? We have a special guest on this one! The girls have Sarah over to sip cocktails and talk about this cozy lil movie. The Ted Lasso comparisons just WILL. NOT. STOP. So again, just a reminder, that if you're a fan of Ted Lasso, be aware or beware that next week on Patreon we'll be releasing a special episode covering Hannah Waddingdam's Christmas Special on Apple Plus! Not only that, but our special guest will be Richie! Beth, Paige, and Richie will be recording the episode after heading to a night of comedy at the Largo in LA where Brett Goldstein (Roy Kent himself) will be in attendance, so hopefully we'll have some gravelly voiced gossip from that too!

Paige thinks the grandma is haunted, Beth and Sarah think she's lovely, everyone agrees there's not enough snow, and we HIGHLY recommend you watch this one at night with a glass of wine or a cup of tea, and some sort of highly indulgent snack.

Thank you so much for sharing, downloading, and telling all your nameless best friends about us IRL and on the internets, it makes such a difference! We love you!

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or...""A Stupid Fight Amongst Liars"-- on this one, we have a REAL best friend in the house! The girls have Emily over! Paige's very own Nameless Best Friend. They've been friends so long they used to play pretend together, learned to be boy crazy together, and yet still Paige didn't know her well enough to know that the reason they watched Lord of the Rings so many times was really because of Gimli all along.

You just never know. You just. Never. Know.

Anyway, in this one, Paige and Beth LOVE the movie and their guest HATED it which is another first for NBFFs! Emily is WRONG about this one, it stars THOMAS of Merry Scottish Christmas fame (aka, Will Kemp) and it's delightful if...you know. Flawed.

Thanks for sharing and downloading and rating!!!! Keep doing it!!!

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or..."Nightmare in Christmas Alley."--- Sigh. If it weren't for the guest, we'd truly say not to listen to this one. Honestly, we'd tell you to just pretend this never happened. We had to watch it, we had to talk about it, we had to record it, we had to do all of that, because of a commITMENT we made it to YOU. Because of an arbitrary commitment we made to all three of our listeners that we would watch all six hundred --sorry, THIRTY ONE-- movies for the Hallmark Countdown to Christmas. This movie is one of those movies. And we watched it.

And Keeley had a song in it! It was truly the best part of the movie! The best song of the season, even, and that includes the N*SYNC song in Holiday Hotline.

You can follow her on Instagram here!

You can see her VERY cool music video for Dancing on My Grave that Richie directed and that Paige did the set design for here!

You can find her new EP on Spotify here and on Apple Music here!

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 or...“What? Don’t repeat it, I heard you.”-- WE SWEAR, we actually WANT to like these movies. We know it sounds hard to believe. But we're really trying here.

We talk messenger bags (with disdain), Shirley Temples, and yearn for deep fried food.

We also mention one of Beth's books, Every Time You Go Away, which has the setting we wish this one had. On account of the red flags, we also mention Blythe Roberson's book, How to Date Men When You Hate Men.

Please keep sharing, rating, downloading! It makes such a difference! Truly!!!! Share us on instagram! Tell your nameless best friends about us!

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or..."It's Not Always Easy to Be a Smithsonian"-- Well, this gang is a bunch of total suckers for old Hollywood. We do live in L.A. and Palm Springs after all. And we also fall for a movie with a good budget. This one had that--or at least was HELLA sponsored by THE BILTMORE ESTATE! DID WE MENTION THE BILMORE ESTATE?! Which Beth hasn't been to, Richie has been to, Paige has been outside of, but which her grandmother deemed too expensive so instead they went to the Grove Park Inn. So it was nice to spend time there. We also all love a good time travel! So if you haven't watched this one, we recommend it!

This one still didn't have enough seals for Richie. If you don't get that reference you may have missed our episode on "Mystic Christmas...."

Speaking of unsolicited recommendations, we also made some recommendations in this episode. Mostly for time travel romance novels, including A Knight in Shining Armor by Jude Deveraux, Rhapsody in Time by Judith O'Brien, Green Darkness by Anne Seton, and if you've been meaning to get around to read the 800 page behemoth that is Outlander here's your reminder. These are also wonderful escapist holiday present ideas! Richie also recommended Terminator. Less romantic but you know.

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or "Not a Lot of Kissing for a Movie About Mistletoe"... this one has another nameless best friend on it! This time it's Taryn, someone Paige has a matching tattoo with (and it's the name of another, different, better movie, but that's not why they have them), Beth claims to have 'baby brain' after 23 years, and everyone says they didn't hate this movie and then spends an entire hour sounding a lot like they didn't like it one bit!

We think this one is worth watching, but take that with an ENORMOUS three person shrug.

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"Pepper Grindr" -- We don't know whether to recommend staying stone cold sober for this one or going balls to the wall. It's like Tenet levels of confusing, or maybe our brains are just completely fried, you tell us--because surely we're the only ones out here actually watching THE ENTIRE countdown to christmas, right?!?!?

To be honest, we are wrong about the entire, ENTIRE Erin Cahill/Catherine Bell thing and we'll take some responsibility for that but not ALL OF IT.

We think this one had some great writing, some REALLY good characters, and some stuff that just...I mean...what?

Also this is the last episode before Round and Round which is SUCH A GOOD MOVIE so GET EXCITED! (not sarcasm! for real!)

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Inception. Memento. Das Boot. Tenet. Christmas on Cherry Lane.

Googles: Christmas on Cherry Lane Explained

Look you guys, it turns out we were wrong about who an ENTIRE character was supposed to be in this movie. So we are amending what we said there with a mini episode! But it’s not like we magically 🪄loved it more! Anyway come on down for some extra chat if you want! We also discuss White Christmas for a few minutes!

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or "500 Days of Hanukkah" -- IT'S A GOOD ONE. IT'S. A. DAMN. GOOD. ONE.

Paige won't say it with Jack in the room, but she thinks it's might be just as good if not better than Santa Summit. Mmmmmm maybe not better. But maybe? Ugh hard to say. It's on par, no question. This movie is hilarious. Watch before you listen to the episode. It's a real movie. Nuff said.

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Or...A Boring Movie With an Interesting Scandal! Welcome to our first Fireside Chat! The girls sit down to talk about a scandal in the Hallmark world. Well, in the real world, and one that Hallmark apparently isn't going to acknowledge.

For those of you who are only here for the first time, on this podcast, we cover insipid delights like Hallmark movies, rom-coms, Christmas Specials, reality TV, and anything ridiculous and fun we feel like covering. Our first order of business was covering the 2023 Countdown to Christmas, and that included a movie called "HOLIDAY ROAD." In our episode we well-established that the movie itself was pretty meh, but we were totally bewildered by the fact that it said "inspired by true events," but then didn't say what the original source material was. For once, we even researched.

Then, lo and behold, it turns out that Alanah Story had her story totally fecking ripped off and Hallmark didn't compensate her at all! Which is ridiculous. We're LIVID.

The article Beth finally found on the true story.

Alanah's Instagram.

Alanah's TikTok

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or...Root Ball's Drag Race...a secret shopper insists that a man needs a tweed coat until he lets her kiss him.

This one was not great, gang. Nottttt great. But lots of red coats! Not like American Revolution level, but close. This one posed so many questions. Why would a man like him need a personal shopper? Why wouldn't he buy his daughter a christmas tree?? Why wouldn't he get his daughter a present at all, much less an age appropriate one? Why do they keep putting us through christmas karaoke?

You don't have to watch this one. But you DO have to listen to the episode. Also, this man is almost too handsome.

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or..."Glitter Succession"...well, we've learned the lesson ONCE AGAIN--don't watch these movies without snacks and/or wine in the cold light of day. Watch at night cozy with carbs and tannins! This one is good. Cute, good actors, good lil banter. Watch it. It's, you know, a Hallmark movie, but it's a little more than that. Beth liked it more than Paige did. But possibly only because Paige did it wrong.

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"Christmas Blow Up" -- Just like how Paige has talked a lot about the film buffy movie Blow Up but has never seen it, we wish we had talked about this but never seen it! We are SO glad we made the choice to do extra (delightful) work and watch extra movies at the end of the season here because if this was the last episode of the year/season we would have SCREAMED. We could NEVER have left you on this note! This movie had like zero plot, and in fact, in retrospect we realized after editing the episode that the movie description did describe one of the characters as being new in town when in fact, she wasn't. So, it wasn't even. So this movie didn't even know what it was. We had higher hopes. You can skip it, but don't skip the episode!

And get REAL excited for the Christmas weekend episodes, because we have FAB guests and movies!!!!

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OMG YOU GUYS IT'S NATE FROM BIG LITTLE LIES! Also it's James Tupper! He was our fifteenth choice, but since he was available we let him come on because we're REALLY nice.

Just kiddddinggg, we love James and we're so glad he could come on! He's been in Hallmark movies, he's been on TV, he's been in other movies, he's been in everything!! And mostly, he's lived under a rock, because he had never seen The Holiday. We know. It's insane. But we got him to watch, and it was really fun getting his professional take on the movie, but especially seeing someone see this movie for the first time!!!! This single guy has a cow in the backyard and The Holiday is his new favorite movie. You're welcome, Tups.

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Or...."Fa-La-La-La-La-La-La-La-Hat -- PART ONE!"

Man, oh, man. If you know this movie, you know it. If you don't, you are in for QUITE a film. For one thing, absolutely watch it. They truly do not make them like this anymore. They just don't. This quality is unmatched. It's so bad in the best way. It has it all. It has Lizzie McGuire's sister in 2013 dressed like she's in 2004 playing a 26 year old former teen mom who acts like a middle aged woman, it has a wheelchair-bound child whose father died in a car wreck who wants nothing more than to drive fast in cars who miraculously walks by the end because his paralysis was psychosomatic, it's got patient zero, it's got zero chemistry, and most of all, it has a year round hat shop that gets saved by the brilliant business decision of opening MORE hat shops. Also this is a halloween movie and a Christmas movie but thanksgiving is completely omitted.

It is insane.

And we were so lucky to have on the brilliant Jen Lancaster!!! You've probably read her work, but if you haven't, you've read someone inspired by her. She's fabulous and she was REAL fired up. Get your wine ready for this one.

Find Jen at Jennsylvania.com or on Instagram and pick up her new book, House Moms! You can also find her personal Hallmark bingo cards here.

Also she mentioned the podcast Hello From the Magic Tavern, and Paige mentioned the episode of MST3K about the movie just called Santa Claus. It's perfect. Also love Santa Claus Conquers the Martians. MST3K is on Tubi for anyone who wants to give them a watch!

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or...Actually Just Love Actually. Our season finale!!!! PART ONE!

Well, except for the Besties, which we will do after the New Year when we're all a little bored and need something to do.

Our guest for this one is the wonderful, inimitable Sarah Mitchell. You got your celebrities, now it's time for a nameless best friend, because that is the heart of this show! You might remember her from our My Norwegian Holiday episode, and if you don't then go back and listen! The movie, of course, needs no introduction, as it is Love Actually. And it's a two parter! Because MUCH is needed to be said here.

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU! We hope it's a good one!

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or...Actually Just Love Actually. Our season finale!!!! PART TWO Well, except for the Besties, which we will do after the New Year when we're all a little bored and need something to do.

Our guest for this one is the wonderful, inimitable Sarah Mitchell. You got your celebrities, now it's time for a nameless best friend, because that is the heart of this show! You might remember her from our My Norwegian Holiday episode, and if you don't then go back and listen! The movie, of course, needs no introduction, as it is Love Actually. And it's a two parter! Because MUCH is needed to be said here.

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU! We hope it's a good one!

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Or...."Fa-La-La-La-La-La-La-La-Hat" -- PART TWO!"

Man, oh, man. If you know this movie, you know it. If you don't, you are in for QUITE a film. For one thing, absolutely watch it. They truly do not make them like this anymore. They just don't. This quality is unmatched. It's so bad in the best way. It has it all. It has Lizzie McGuire's sister in 2013 dressed like she's in 2004 playing a 26 year old former teen mom who acts like a middle aged woman, it has a wheelchair-bound child whose father died in a car wreck who wants nothing more than to drive fast in cars who miraculously walks by the end because his paralysis was psychosomatic, it's got patient zero, it's got zero chemistry, and most of all, it has a year round hat shop that gets saved by the brilliant business decision of opening MORE hat shops. Also this is a halloween movie and a Christmas movie but thanksgiving is completely omitted.

It is insane.

And we were so lucky to have on the brilliant Jen Lancaster!!! You've probably read her work, but if you haven't, you've read someone inspired by her. She's fabulous and she was REAL fired up. Get your wine ready for this one.

Find Jen at Jennsylvania.com or on Instagram and pick up her new book, House Moms! You can also find her personal Hallmark bingo cards here.

Also she mentioned the podcast Hello From the Magic Tavern, and Paige mentioned the episode of MST3K about the movie just called Santa Claus. It's perfect. Also love Santa Claus Conquers the Martians. MST3K is on Tubi for anyone who wants to give them a watch!

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The Traitors Season 2 airs January 12th on Peacock and we cannot freaking wait. It's our first insipid delight! Don't worry we'll still be doing Hallmark movies too, but with only a few movies this month, we must fill our days with other nonsense. <3 Can't wait to watch and then chat with our NBFFs!

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Part One - THIS IS AN ALL NEW EPISODE! NOT A CLIP SHOW! There's nothing we hate more (except maybe Letters to Santa) than a clip show. It has NEVER BEEN GOOD. So in this we give out fake awards to the best and worst of 2023's Countdown to Christmas! You voted, we voted, the die has been cast.

Track: "Drum Roll"

Music provided by https://slip.stream

Free Download / Stream: https://get.slip.stream/1CeWc8

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Part Two - THIS IS AN ALL NEW EPISODE! NOT A CLIP SHOW! There's nothing we hate more (except maybe Letters to Santa) than a clip show. It has NEVER BEEN GOOD. So in this we give out fake awards to the best and worst of 2023's Countdown to Christmas! You voted, we voted, the die has been cast.

Track: "Drum Roll"

Music provided by https://slip.stream

Free Download / Stream: https://get.slip.stream/1CeWc8

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or...."Caddy Issues." WE'RE BACK! Yeah, we weren't gone long. And neither was Hallmark! We all took a well-deserved break and now it's time for the rest of our lives watching Hallmark movies. In this one, a woman goes home to Budapest because golf.

Watch or don't watch verdict: Budapest is pretty, if you want to watch, put it on while you do your nails or prep dinner, but not really.

We're so glad to be back though! We missed you!

Please please share us on Insta, Threads, the artist formerly known as Twitter--that's how everyone hears about things really, and it would be so helpful!! Also rate us 5 stars! Okay bye!

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or...A Couple and Their Moms. Two people have moms, one sick, one not, and are in Scotland when they fall in boring love. Paige had the giggles in this one which is insane because the movie is NOT delightful.

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YESSS, our coverage of The Traitors on Peacock has begun. Paige is obsessed, Beth is reserving judgment because she's insane.

Three episodes of The Traitors Season 2 are out on Peacock, but this episode is only about Episode 1! There are SPOILERS for episode 1, but not for episodes 2 & 3.

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The best friends cover episode 2 of the wonderful show The Traitors on Peacock! Spoilers for Episodes 1 & 2

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The best friends cover episode 3 of the wonderful show The Traitors on Peacock! Spoilers for Episodes 1 - 3

Baguette Bag

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Or...Drama Club Survivor. They left us on a cliffhanger last week, and now we find out who Parvati killed!! Also, we discuss Beth's CRAZY Nextdoor community.

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or..."OR: the most self-centered woman in the world enjoys a week being the most self-centered woman in the world"--hey, we liked this one! It's worth a watch, it's pretty cute and not standard dullmark fare.

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We tease another upcoming Patreon Episode, chat theories, and talk for way too long about true crime podcasts!

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MY GOD DID WE HATE THIS MOVIE

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Spoilers contained in this episode! About this episode! Watch The Traitors every Thursday on Peacock!

In this episode Paige gives Beth a mean compliment, they kick Dan Gheesling while he’s down and leave Pilot Pete’s hand without the high five he’s expecting for “trapping” a traitor because he just got lucky. There’s also a little tentative excitement about Hallmark’s “Loveuary” movie offerings – not a golf club in sight! *so far

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Some program notes: we are not obsessed with Paul Campbell, he need not contact the authorities. We are not anti-LARPer or judgmental of people who enjoy cosplaying. We can't help but talk a little Vanderpump, we touch on vintage 90 Day Fiance. Also, Hallmark’s movie this week was about some Cosplayers at a conference and the movie completely lacked the charm of Paul Campbell and the magic of Disney. Paging Mr. Kemp: you deserved better.

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In this episode, Paige doesn’t know what pilgrims are, Beth is wrong about almost everything else, everyone hates Peter’s Pocket Pals, and we wonder does Phaedra deserve an Academy Award or a Razzie?

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In LOVE AND JANE we take a delightful stroll down a Boston(ish) street, into a world of warm shops, gleaming wood, books, ghosts, and meek but nice lil storylines. Oh, and romance. And a fabulous nameless best friend with her own excellent storyline. What a romp! An absolute winner. Beth, on the other hand, has realized she is a wizened old woman deep inside. Also? It was Timmy.

(IT WAS NOT)

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In this episode: Knives Out indeed. Parvati is gone. Long live Parvati. Peter isn’t nearly as clever as he thinks he is. The challenge is visually confusing. Beth doesn’t enjoy dog treats. Dr. Will makes a welcome appearance. And Phaedra makes a poor choice in recruiting a new traitor. Word to the wise: Don’t waste “join me or die” on someone who is dying to join you.

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Love may or may not be blind, but it’s definitely dumb. The Mad Matthew roller coaster is a wild ride. Chelsea doesn’t look like Megan Fox and shouldn’t tell a (literally) blind date that because he can ONLY be disappointed. We’re rooting for Jessica’s happiness. And one of our favorite guests RICHIE is back with us!

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Guest Sarah joins us for a deep dive into episode 2, much of which Beth already discussed on the episode one coverage because they blur. But some things on this episode were clear: Matthew is a horrible, horrible person and “all of America” is NOT on his side; whoever ends up with Jimmy is going to be disappointed; and thick garlands of false lashes flatter no one.

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JIMMY. LADY. LEGS.

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Beth declares this the best Hallmark movie ever, but Paige wants more stakes and story. Everyone agrees Jane and the scenery are beautiful. Everyone also agrees that it's weird that Jane Austen named a character "Jane." Not even the main character. All in all, a stellar movie. Also, Paige still doesn't have Global Entry.

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In this episode, Paige and Beth discuss episode 4 of season 6 Love is Blind--these episodes are getting WILD

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Well, well, well, true colors are already beginning to show. We're in the Dominican Republic and Laura wants Jeramey to slap AD's boobs and call it "bean dip" because it will be hilarious. Everyone disagrees. Looks like things are about to get good.

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We begin today with a lesson in international vocational opportunities, specifically Polish Wood Hookers. After mentally filing that, we move on to The Traitors, where Parvati is still gone. Alas. Kate is recruited to replace her and OF COURSE she accepts. Kate and Phaedra are a delightfully irreverent pair but that might be in danger as we end the episode at the round table with a tied vote between Phaedra and Peter. One vote remains: MJ’s. Who will remain??

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Bean Dip. WTF?

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The day you’ve been waiting for is finally here: we talk caftans and flowy clothes. Oh yeah, and episode 8 of Love is Blind, where Jimmy is a dick about Chelsea’s roommate, who seems like a really nice person. He also stalks Jessica’s Instagram. Kenneth is addicted to his phone and apparently unashamed of that. Brittany deserves SO much better. Also, there’s a big breakup!

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It’s Hometown Visit Week here on The Bach- I mean, Love is Blind, and it’s every bit as awkward as you might hope. Couples snipe in front of friends and family and there is a general feeling of “this isn’t gonna work” brewing among everyone but Johnny and Amy. Yet. Who knows what the future holds for them?

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It's almost over! We say goodbye to Phaedra in what was called "a shocking twist" online but which was visible ten miles away. Somehow Sandra continues to lurch through unnoticed and no one is paying attention to Trishelle, even though she's been right a LOT at this point. And she's pissed.

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Jeramey's mom knows what she has wrought. Chelsea and Jimmy continue to fight, making the rest of us uncomfy even though Chelsea simply calls it a "hiccup." Johnny and Amy are doing great, he asks for her hand in marriage and her father consents. No surprises there. AD's mom distributes some wisdom, making us wish she could go talk to some people from our lives. And then there is a party where all the Pod People get together, including The Unchosen. Like MacKenzie, I guess. I don't know who she is but her name comes up as a shit-stirrer more than once and then she shows up for the party. Good times!

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Emily joins us for a second episode and tells us that Raya isn't as great as it's reputed. Then on to Love is Blind: we watch the women pick wedding trips, have dates of varying amounts of romance (our vote: campfire). Is this show a game or is it an earnest attempt to find soul mates? If it's a game, Chelsea's doing a great job, what with two proposals and lots of drama. Would it be more interesting if there were date blocks and other game maneuvers? Let's discuss.

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Taryn joins us again for a look at the weddings that were and the weddings that weren't, and all the players involved. Was Johnny trying his hardest not to say "my wife" like Borat? Did some of the Mother of the Bride dresses (we're not saying who) come from Party City? And, hey, do you think Chelsea looks a little like Megan Fox? It's all here!

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We're back! Paige took a week off to go to SXSW where Richie's project won the "audience choice" award! HUGE deal! They also took some time to get Covid on the way back. Meanwhile, here on the 'cast, we break down the finale of Traitors. We enjoyed it but...question if the show is really as good as it could be. Maybe the rules should be tweaked a little to keep suspense. And maybe the challenges need to be better. Attention production: we have some ideas for you here. Call us!

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We're back! Why didn't anyone come looking for us? We left an embroidered map to a trail of carved flowers pointing the way up the stairs and into the gift wrapping room, into the wall behind the smoked out clown portrait of Emmett Kelley!

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Falling in love in Niagara…Falls. If you’re looking for romance and sizzling chemistry, look elsewhere. But if you want a tourism reel for Things to Do in Niagara, look no further! But Hallmark’s here to tell you, you’re gonna need a bitter tour guide. Thanks, Niagara Tourism Board.

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Lordy, lordy, look who's forty! What a shame she marked it with this terrible movie about falling for a toddler-man with whom she has nothing in common. Except the fact that they're both exceptionally wealthy, that is. Warning: no matter what they say, this movie is a musical.

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Welcome to part two of our coverage of the movie Paige deemed "Ageism: the Musical."

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We'll tell you right up front - there aren't enough puppies in this movie. And if you're already familiar with Milk Bones, you won't be bowled over by our heroine's invention. Nevertheless, this was a cute movie, if not really that good. Can't wait for Christmas in July!

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Brooke Shields is back on Netflix, in another movie with delicious scenery. And we don't just mean Benjamin Bratt, who is most definitely looking excellent - but Thailand is on dreamy display here. And if you love the environment and cinematography over good writing and acting, this might be exactly the movie for you!

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You know how sometimes there are two actors that you consistently get mixed up? For Beth those actors are Treat Williams and Barry Bostwick. So, no, Barry wasn’t on When Calls the Heart and he isn’t dead. Treat Williams was on Chesapeake Shores and, sadly, he is no longer with us. We’re letting you know this right up front so you don’t lose your mind sitting through the whole show screaming, “That was Treat Williams!” at your device.

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We loved this movie! Yes, we had a LOT of detours, but with a movie this good we just didn't have that many notes. If you haven't seen it yet, make yourself a little plate of cheese (make sure it reaches room temp before eating) and enjoy!

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Are you attracted to Rodent Men? Are they the new Hot? Will Rodent Women be in style soon? (Don't hold your breath) Maybe the world is finally getting sick of Instagram Face and we all just want to see real people. Here's hoping!

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There are some real treat in this episode - text dings, dogs barking, squeaky toy activity, and occasionally Beth confirms a movie fact with Adam, who nods wordlessly and therefore makes her sound like a crazy person! But it was super fun to get back to Christmas episodes, even if this was the sunniest movie Hallmark ever filmed.

Remember to like, download, subscribe, tell your friends, and check us out on Patreon! We'll be back with more tomorrow!

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This is a good Bad Movie. It's not trying to be world-changing, it's just fun. But we can't pretend the leads don't each look very different than how we're used to seeing them. But they're both excellent actors and Zac in particular has perfect comic timing. But the shining star of this one is Joey King. The world needs more Joey King! All in all, this is a fun romp.

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"Okay, Dungeons and Dragons", "Okay, Pet Detective." This movie is chock full of hilarious lines and asides that elevate it way above most of the offerings we've been seeing lately. We don't usually know the names of the lead actors unless we've seen them a lot and either love or hate them. In this case we can confidently say Andrew Walker, Paul Campbell, and Tyler Hynes (the love of Beth's Hallmark life), are absolute perfection. Three hot, hilarious men with chemistry galore. Watch this movie. Watch the sequel. Beg for more. This is Hallmark perfection.

Also. Writers matter. Who writes the movie matters. If you love a movie on Hallmark (or anywhere) it's worth looking up their whole library. In this case, this delight was written by Paul Campbell and Kimberly Sustad, who also penned the pretty hilarious Christmas by Starlight. We need more of this! There are smart, funny, innovative writers out here, all over. Millions. Hallmark, please stop padding the schedule with boring fluff with plot holes that could serve as train tunnels. Hire some fresh thinkers! Or just have Kimberly and Paul write everything. That would work too.

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We take a few detours, as usual, but we really liked this movie overall! Hallmark has made a couple of supernatural/speculative clunkers but overall this is something they usually have a lot of fun with. Rachel Leigh Cooke displayed her excellent comic timing, and Sam Page's character, Sam, was refreshingly real and smart. The story was created by Jim Head, who has been behind several good ones, including Beth's own SHOE ADDICT'S CHRISTMAS. All in all a great couple of hours.

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We are writers so of course we are readers. We have always been readers. So why haven't we been talking books now and then? Well, now we are! Please tune in, share, like, download, and tell us YOUR favorite reads!

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This was a very pretty movie. The idea was good. But it was s l o w. Not much of a bang to go out of Christmas in July on, but maybe they're saving their best stuff for the real holiday season!

A point of clarification regarding our brief chat on Marcus Rosner. Obviously he's handsome. Beth just finds him more appealing when he's having fun with that as Mr. Wrong. Why he's in 2 of the 5 Christmas in July movies remains puzzling however.

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Yessss, it's FALL! That means it's time for Hallmark, Nora Ephron, and Nancy Meyers! Or if you're Beth, Norepinephrine. Please like, subscribe, share with a friend, and give us five stars!!!!

Join Patreon for ad-free, and check out our instagram for our limited DON'T F*CK WITH MR ZERO shirt!

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We go west, with beautiful scenery and NO GHOSTS (disappointed!) in this one. Kimberly Susted is brilliant, as always, and plays a widowed professor who takes her boys to meet her sister and aunt on a dude ranch. Or a working ranch where they let randoms stay. We just couldn't figure that out. Anyway, James Denton is there (yay!) but he's not the hero (boo!). But it all works out anyway.

Here are links to the things mentioned besides the movie:

Beth's book, EVERY TIME YOU GO AWAY (which DOES have a ghost in it...or does it?) https://www.amazon.com/dp/1250043875/ref=cm_sw_r_as_gl_api_gl_i_680XQFR87RQV2J7PVGWG?linkCode=ml1&tag=paigeharbison-20

Paige's June 2025 book, which is about to have a big cover reveal! https://www.amazon.com/dp/1250358078/ref=cm_sw_r_as_gl_api_gl_i_4TY2XBA06WRABWYM5AYV?linkCode=ml1&tag=paigeharbison-20

And by all means, RUN to Instagram and follow Paige to see her hilarious 30 second Hallmark movie spoofs! Danica McKellar does!

https://www.instagram.com/pharbeaux

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We sure couldn't stay on subject for this one! Do they save the inn? They sure do. A good autumn yule log.

Here is the pigeon article Paige referenced. Interestingly, "Pigeon" is Beth's nickname for Paige (Lady and the Tramp fans get it). That's about as relevant as anything else here.

https://clickhole.com/can-you-match-the-pigeons-to-the-way-they-re-ruining-my-1825124723/

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With virtually no information beyond the movie titles, Beth and Paige predict whether each of the 31 movies in Hallmark's Countdown to Christmas will be Good, mid, bad, or good-bad. We're really getting in the mood for the holidays now! And it's a good thing because the Christmas Countdown begins on October 18!

Also, Paige is trying to make, "I hate it any shape you can make it" happen. She's calling it the show's catchphrase. Both hosts are not in agreement on that.

Finally, Beth recommended this book and still does: https://www.amazon.com/dp/1804058564/ref=cm_sw_r_as_gl_api_gl_i_GWAV8AW946JAXG1GFCDM?linkCode=ml1&tag=paigeharbison-20

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We're going to give it to you straight right up front: the cranky old man in this movie is the lead's grandfather, not her father. Her mom's in the movie too, sort of, but since she's taking zero responsibility for her failing father's wellbeing. Also, the actor playing the grandfather is only 34 years older than the lead, and 13 years older than the woman playing his daughter, so it's pretty easy to just fill him in as the dad and not granddad.

Anyway, this movie is about autumn. It's very pumpkin heavy. Except the enormous pumpkin that ends up in the back of the truck after they put a small one in - that's probably made of foam and NOT heavy at all.

We had some requests to cover this movie and it's easy to see why - it's pretty, it's Hallmark, and it's got some really improbable plot points. What's not to love?

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Is this movie perfect? No. Would it make it into the top ten 2024 Hallmark movies? Probably not. Is it fun and delightful? Yes. Should Rod Spence, who created this story, be king of Hallmark? Yes. Rod Spence also created Good Witch and this movie has the same Good Witch sensibility. There were some plot holes, yes. Some things that needed explanation or, preferably, our re-writing. But all in all this is a great example of what Hallmark needs to do with October!

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We are so excited to have writer and comedian Blythe Roberson join us for this episode! Blythe is a grown up who had never seen HOCUS POCUS before, and we open with some meandering about books and publishing but then we do get into the plot and some extra fun film facts.

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We are so excited to have writer and comedian Blythe Roberson join us for this episode! Blythe is a grown up who had never seen HOCUS POCUS before, and we open with some meandering about books and publishing but then we do get into the plot and some extra fun film facts.

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Robert Buckley and Amy Groening need to be in FAR more movies. Together, not together, it doesn't matter, but these two are gold. As is stepdad Marcus. Actually pretty much the whole cast was great and that elevated this problematic plot into a sparkling little gem, with all the "pretty" you want in a Hallmark Christmas movie and some witty repartee to boot. But the big reveal at the end? Stupid. In our humble opinion.

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We predicted this one! Not that you had to be Karnac to see what was coming - they're party crashers! During the holidays! Will they get caught lying about who they are? Of course they will! Cute idea, We had fun with it.

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We ddi NOT predict well on this one, mostly because we thought it was going to be a bit more progressive. Like when Peter Brady decided to become a Sunflower Girl to make a point. But no, this was an all-girls troop of Sunny Scouts with an evil Den Mother with nothing better to do than reject the best damn muffins they could ever have at the Sunny Scouts ball.... Whatever, Tamara Mowry is a beacon of charm and light in this otherwise-meh production. And frankly she makes the whole thing worth watching.

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Well, well, well. Not their finest effort, perhaps. The lack of logic in this one was a real challenge for us but we soldiered on and this? This is the result. At least it was pretty!

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