For years, I thought I had an idea of what a boundary was. I even thought I was implementing them in my home and my relationships.  

But it turns out, I was wrong. Boundaries can be really confusing and I don’t want you to make the same mistakes I did. So, today I am going to give you a big picture idea of what a boundary is.

Imagine yourself walking along the beach and you find a stick. You take that stick and draw a big long line across the sand.  

Boundaries are lines in the sand that tell others, “I’m not willing to cross this line. This is as far as I will go."

"You can walk next to me, but there is a point I will need to stop. And when we reach it, I would love for you to respect me and stay with me, but if you must step over my line, you will need to do it alone."

"I will no longer be walking with you. I might be waiting for you if you decide to come back and join me.  And I may miss you, or I may miss only parts of you. But I will not cross this line.”

My line in the sand is for my protection.

It took me years to figure out where this line should be drawn.  

I have said, "Yes, I will marry you," when I really meant, "No, get sober first and then I will wear your ring."

I woke up the kids to bail you out of jail when I should have left you there to get sober.

I've turned down the invitation to attend the funeral of a high school friend so I could keep an eye on how many bottles you were consuming.

I lied for you over and over to strangers and family.

I convinced myself that if you’re just smoking pot that it's better than alcohol or cocaine.

I kept justifying away the boundaries I knew I needed. I didn’t want to make anyone feel uncomfortable. I didn’t want to upset anyone. It seemed easier to just ignore that feeling inside me that was saying, “This isn’t okay, Michelle."

I know you have gone through painful times. You might be in a great deal of pain right now. So, please... use my rich history of pain to reflect and ask yourself, "Where are your boundaries being compromised?"

Now that I am older and wiser, I respect my line. I honor it and cherish my boundaries. I publicly acknowledge them and I will not hide them.  

Boundaries serve me and protect me.  

What is your line? Have you looked for a stick on that beach you’ve been walking along and had the courage to make that line long and clear and deep? Or is your line little and easily erased when someone steps on it during their journey?

If you want to learn more about boundaries, join me in our new program called Love Over Boundaries.

You'll complete the program with two major accomplishments:

1. You will define your personal boundaries
2. You will have the conviction and courage to enforce them

This is the perfect program to take after you’ve completed the Love Over Addiction program or the Love Over Mistakes program.

Boundaries are necessary skills for all women to master, whether you're in love with a man or woman who drinks too much or suffers from substance abuse or not.

Boundaries can help improve your relationship with your children and friends as well as improve your physical and spiritual health.  

Seriously... mastering the skill of setting and keeping healthy boundaries might be the best thing you’ve done for yourself.

Check out the program here and join me and hundreds of other women.  You don’t need to do this alone. We will be there to encourage you, to challenge you and to cheer you on every step of the way.

One of the biggest things to remember about the disease of addiction is that it loves to lie to you. Addiction has no shame either - it will lie straight to your face and use the one you love most to get the biggest impact. Here are three of the biggest lies to look for when you love an alcoholic or substance abuser.

1. It is my fault he drinks too much.

It was much easier to blame myself for my ex-husband's drinking issues than to think he was out of control. I was willing to take the blame. To own the responsibility. It was my fault. Somehow, some way… I caused this to happen.

What a scam. What a big fat lie this disease tries to make you believe.

Are you taking the blame, my sweet friend? Are you owning your partner's baggage? You can’t do that. You’ve got to lay it down. Because last time I checked, you weren’t holding a bottle up to your loved one's mouth. You weren’t the one buying drugs or suggesting he or she goes out to party.

Your reactions to your partner's disease are NOT the reason he or she turns to the bottle or drugs or pornography.

Trying harder, looking for the secret formula, or fixing is not going to make a difference. Spinning your wheels into exhaustion can only lead to resentment and anger.

Next time your partner drinks, uses, or turns to his or her bad habits, please remember, my sweet friends – it’s not your fault.

2. If they love me (and the kids) enough, he or she will stop.

You might think that if your loved one chooses the bottle over you, that means they don't love you. You might be feeling lost and confused and sick of the excuses.

You may have spent so much time trying to convince your partner that he or she needs help because you need them to get better

If you just tried harder at pleasing him or her – if you acted happier or if you were a better wife or mother he or she would be able to walk away from the drugs or alcohol.

These are such lies. And you are a smart enough woman to understand that. Don't fall for it.

3. My partner will quit if I...

...beg, yell, shame, plead, threaten to leave, lose weight, tell their family, start to earn more money, stop talking to them, move to another location, or whatever you need to fill in the blank with.

Nothing you did causes your partner to drink or use drugs and nothing you could do with cause your partner to quit. It’s just that simple

I held onto these lies for years. Guarded them with my life. But now I understand that they are not true.

If you’re ready to make your healing as important as your partner’s sobriety – we are waiting for you. Our programs are online, confidential, and you have lifetime access – so you can do them at your own pace.

Do you overcomplicate things in your life?  

Maybe you make a decision only to doubt if it's the right one?

Do you stay stuck in your situation because you're afraid if you step out in faith it will be too soon or too late? Or the wrong step?

Use this checklist to make your next decision and see if your plans match God’s will. Take action immediately. Move forward with courage and strength. You have His permission. You have God's promises. What more confirmation do you need?

How to Make Your Next Decision:

If it's kind - it's God’s will.

If it's an act of strength and courage - it's God’s will.

If it's moral - it's God's will.

If it's honest - it's God’s will.

If it's loyal - it's God's will.

If it's fair - it's God's will.

The details don't matter. It's very simple.

When faced with a decision, I remind myself of these promises:

God promises protection. He will be my bodyguard.

God promises wisdom. He will keep an eye on me.

I was given a spirit of power and love and a sound mind.  

And so were you.  Let’s start using this simple checklist and trust the God within each of us.

If you found this tip helpful, there are plenty more practical ways we can help ourselves and the ones we love. We don’t need to stay stuck and unhappy. There are better answers. Click here to take a look at one of our programs and payment plans.

When you love someone that drinks too much or suffers from addiction it's easy to be wrapped up in their disease, their actions, and their situations. 

We are high achieving women, and we can develop unrealistic expectations (yes, that means too high of expectations) for yourself and those around. These unrealistic expectations you can steal your joy and make it hard enjoy anything.  

But what if you start to make peace with who you are right now. Take some time to look around and notice all of the good things that are happening.

Listen to the podcast or read the blog to hear how to get rid of the expectations that may be holding you back.

The word surrender is used a lot in the world of addiction. One of the things that always bothered me was that I was constantly being told that I needed to “let go and surrender,” but I never really understood how.

The word surrender to me means letting go of my emotional investment in a certain outcome. Surrender doesn't mean we stop loving or caring.

Another way of looking at how to “let go” is to think about the opposite of surrendering.

What’s the opposite of surrendering? Controlling.

https://michelleanderson.substack.com/

If you’re married to someone who leaves the house to hang out with his or her friends or who stops at the bar on the way home and you’re wondering why they don't want to spend time with you (and the kids, if you have any) I want to ask you a question about a bad habit you may have picked up.

And before I ask you, it’s important to know that the reason I ask is because I used to have this very bad habit. So there’s no judgment - ever. Just promise me that you’ll be honest because we can’t heal if we’re not honest with ourselves and each other.

We are a sisterhood. We get one another. We’re in a safe place and we are all connected.

Here’s my question to you: are you nagging your partner when he or she drinks or uses drugs?

If you’re nagging, you’re enabling. Your partner knows their choices are bad and they don't want to be called on it. My ex-husband used to leave for days at a time because I would not put up with his drinking around our three young kids. And he didn’t want to deal with me being a nagging wife.

And when he left - who do you think he went and hung out with? Other women like me? Of course not. He went and found other alcoholics and addicts. People who would tell him his behavior is okay. People who might even be worse off than he was so he can feel superior.

Their “friends” are not holding them accountable. They are not pointing out the fact that he or she should be home and sober with their family.

The sign that your partner wants to leave the house means that you’re in a healthier place than he or she is. So next time you feel tempted to nag him to ask yourself, "Does this really work?" And more importantly, "When I nag how does it make me feel about myself?" Chances are - not very good.

Honor yourself by refusing to be the nagging wife.

Get on with your life and your choices and let your partner make theirs.  If he or she is not coming home, get busy doing something that makes you happy. A bubble bath, cleaning out a closet, going for a walk, baking some cookies. Make a list of ten things that bring you joy and do one thing every time you feel tempted to nag. Meet your own needs. This will help you get back control over this disease not by being controlling, but by being accountable for your choices.

You can do this! I am right here beside you reminding you - even in the worst of times - you’re not alone. I know how you feel.

If you’re ready to make your healing as important as your partner’s sobriety – we are waiting for you. Our programs are online, confidential, and you have lifetime access – so you can do them at your own pace.

We’re smart enough to understand the benefits of self-care, right, especially when we love someone who suffers from any kind of addiction.

And if you’re new to the subject of self-care a great place to start is by listening to episode #96: https://loveoveraddiction.com/96/ or reading the 7 Most Important Questions You Need To Ask Yourself: https://loveoveraddiction.com/79.

Sometimes the most caring thing we can do for ourselves is spend less and simplify our days.

Self-care is a good thing. For sure. But let’s make sure what we’re doing is really feeding our souls and filling us up, not turning into something that’s just another thing to conquer or accomplish. If you want to learn how to avoid turning self-care into another chore this episode is for you.

Click here to read the post or listen to the podcast at LoveOverAddiction.com/110.

We’re a sisterhood here. We have over 50,000 women in our community and we’re all bonded by the fact that we love someone suffering from addiction.

The type of addiction doesn’t matter. We have women that love good people suffering from addiction to alcohol, illegal (or legal) drugs, prescription pills, gambling, pornography, or sex, among other things.

We build each other up. We’re not all dark, dingy, gray, and depressing. Is it hard? Oh, you bet it is. But we’re here shining a light. We’re here to offer support, love, understanding, and encouragement. We don’t believe we’re powerless over this disease.   

Today we hear from one of our Love Over Addiction sisters. I hear from women in their 60s, 70s, 80s, all the time, asking if it’s too late to get a new start.

I’ll let our dear sister LOA Sister answer that question. She’s nearly 70, and has some wise, wise words of wisdom for us. 

Find more here: https://loveoveraddiction.com/how-to-gain-self-confidence-at-any-age/

Join the community: https://loveoveraddiction.com/

Connect personally here: https://www.instagram.com/love_over_addiction/

How do you trust your partner again? Can it ever be possible? Or will you always worry and constantly be waiting for the other shoe to drop?

Trusting again is entirely possible. You can, and you should, trust the one you are planning on spending the rest of your life with. If you can’t trust them, you’ll end up exhausted from the constant anxiety that they will disappoint you again.  

So how do you get to a place where you can relax in peace and finally trust the one who has hurt you and lied to you about their drinking, drug use, cheating, or pornography?

You watch, you don’t listen. You open your eyes and you close your ears.

This disease knows how to say exactly what will help it get away with anything. It knows your buttons and just the right one to push to get you to deny your gut or make you believe that you’re crazy and there is nothing to be upset about.

Don’t allow someone to make you feel guilty for not trusting right out rehab. I think that’s almost impossible. There hasn’t been enough time loving you in the real world to gain trust.

But you’re a smart woman. And you can sense when something is wrong. Don’t be manipulated.

I could always tell just from the way he said “hello” when he had been drinking. My stomach would just feel like it was being punched. My throat would sometimes close up or my heart would sink.

So from now on, next time he promises that he won’t drink anymore, don’t listen. Wait and watch to see if his actions line up with that.

If he says he isn’t going to go to the bar after work, ignore it. And wait to see what he actually does after work.

What about the computer screen that he looks at late at night that he swears will never show pictures or videos of naked women again? Nod your head, but let his promises pass right through you. And see if he sneaks into the office again.

Now let’s be super clear about something: I’m not giving you permission to wait around the house and monitor his behavior. That wouldn’t be healthy, would it?

I am saying stop paying attention to the words from someone who has a history of lying to you.

Don’t hang onto his promises and get your heart broken because you believed him.

Wait to see what his actions prove.  

I spoke to a woman whose husband is making it very easy for her to trust him again. He comes home clean and sober when he says he’s going to be home.

Her husband makes attending his meetings the biggest priority in his life. He chooses not to miss one no matter what comes up.

He is so passionate about his sobriety that he is choosing to mentor young men.

That is an example of a man who is working hard to regain his wife's trust. And it’s working. Because he’s consistent. He has not had six relapses in six weeks.

Trust only works with consistency and time. If he’s relapsed, give yourself permission to relapse with your trust.

If you haven’t joined us in one of our programs and you want to find answers, hope, and happiness, what are you waiting for? Click here to check out the details. Our programs are offered for just $25 a month. If your partner is spending money on their bad habits, making an investment in your family's future is a more valuable choice, don't you think?

When you love someone struggling with addiction, the holidays may not always be something you're looking forward to, right?

Because most likely, this is the time where their alcohol (or chosen substance) consumption might increase, especially with all of the holiday get-togethers going on.

But what if you CAN still experience joy regardless of their actions and behaviors?

That's one of the things you'll hear a strong woman in our community discuss in this new podcast episode (as well as the effect the pandemic has had on both our loved ones and us).

Find more here:
https://loveoveraddiction.com/interview-happy-holiday/

Join us here: https://loveoveraddiction.com

When you love a good person suffering from addiction, it can sometimes feel like the light or sparkliness that's inside you has dimmed. Can you relate?

This can happen when the cloak of addiction covers things up around you and your loved one struggling with addiction. And with the holiday season right around the corner, it can be incredibly stressful.

But here's the thing: you're not powerless. As you know, you can't get your loved one sober. But there are things you can do to start and feel powerful and in control of your life again. There is absolutely a way to come out on the other side of this.

So, how do you remove the cloak? Tune in to this week's episode to hear some helpful tips for getting back to a better place in your life (regardless if you stay or leave). You've got this.

Find more here:
https://loveoveraddiction.com/cloak-of-addiction/ 

Join us here: https://loveoveraddiction.com 

We all love (or have loved) someone that suffers from addiction. It could be alcohol, illegal (or legal) drugs, prescription pills, pornography, or sex among other things. Regardless of who you are, and what role they (and their addiction) play in your life, it does have an impact on us.

It impacts our outlook on life, our trust, our relationship, that inner voice that we all have. Have you ever wondered what it would be like to be in a different relationship? If you decide to leave your partner, what does life look like afterwards? Is there hope? Will you trust again? Could you ever find a different partner that didn’t have addiction issues? What about the kids?

These are serious questions, and today, I talk with my husband Brian about our life, our relationship, and our kids. Addiction actually helped our relationship. Listen to the whole story (or at least 1 hour’s worth) here: https://loveoveraddiction.com/ask-me-anything-3/

We have a free guidesheet for you here: https://loveoveraddiction.com/compassion125/

And if you're ready to join the Love Over Addiction movement, and see our free offerings and online programs, join us here: https://loveoveraddiction.com/courses

Addiction is a progressive disease, which means that it gets worse over time. The rate of progression really depends on each individual person and their specific circumstances.

We're the women that love these good people suffering from addiction, so what does that mean for us?

Well, in this episode, it’s Part II of an interview with Terri, a Love Over Addiction sister.

Her husband's disease changed fast, but because she had the tools, knowledge, and power that she did, she knew what to do. She handles this disease which such grace and she’s so strong and steady.

If you missed the first part of her story, you can find that here: https://loveoveraddiction.com/when-addiction-progresses-quickly/

And for more free resources, tips, and advice, visit our website here: https://loveoveraddiction.com/

Today’s episode is raw and real. We all have our own personal reasons for staying or leaving when we’re in a relationship with a good person that is suffering from addiction. 

In everyone’s journey there comes a point that we get real about our reasons for staying (or leaving). 

That point comes at all different times and for all different reasons, but it will happen. 

When I got real about why I was staying I found some pretty uncomfortable reasons that were hard to admit. Now, this is my personal story. These are my personal experiences, and of course, I realize everyone is different. 

There’s no judgment necessary towards me (thank you) or towards yourself. We’re all doing our best, and each of our situations are unique and similar all at the same time. 

Find more here: https://loveoveraddiction.com/i-stayed-with-my-alcoholic-husband/

Join the community here: https://loveoveraddiction.com/

Connect personally: https://www.instagram.com/love_over_addiction/

Some people try to avoid their anger. And in my experience, women especially. 

As women, we seem to be the ones that always hold it together. So getting angry makes us look bad, like we’re falling apart. 

But we’re not. 

Here’s the truth: Anger is a very real and true emotion. And when we love someone suffering from addiction, anger is completely normal. 

In fact, if you think you’re not angry, I encourage you to take a deeper look at what’s really going on.

Today we’ll explore what’s underneath that anger. We’ll look at its roots, and find out how to use the anger for good. 

Find more here: https://loveoveraddiction.com/why-anger-is-okay-and-how-to-use-it-for-good/ 

Join your community: https://loveoveraddiction.com/

Connect personally: https://www.instagram.com/love_over_addiction/

If you've decided that leaving your partner who struggles with addiction is best for your situation, you might then be asking, "What's next in moving forward with my healing?"

Or another big question: "What steps should I take so that I don't end up in another unhealthy relationship in the future?"

Tune in to this week's episode where I answer these questions (and more), as well as asking you some important things to think about.

Find more here: 

https://loveoveraddiction.com/healing-next-steps/

Join us here: https://loveoveraddiction.com

If you tuned in last week, you heard me covering some of the first steps in helping you figure out where your loved one may be in their recovery. And this week, we're going to dive in even more.

These steps will not only help you understand what recovery looks like for them but how some of it may even apply to your own healing, as well.

Tune in to this new episode, where I share the importance of taking a self-inventory, codependency, and how addressing both are essential for recovery.

Find more here: 

https://loveoveraddiction.com/recovery/

Join us here: https://loveoveraddiction.com

Loving someone who drinks too much or suffers from addiction can feel like your relationship is a roller coaster. One day your partner is loving and kind and the next moment they are sick and angry. It can be a lot. Does that mean you are helpless? No way.

Here are 5 tips to show this disease that you are not powerless.

1. Put on some great music.

Maybe it’s classical, pop, or worship music. Whatever your choice, just turn it on and crank up the volume. And then - here's the secret - dance! When life gets a little too serious around my house, I put on some Justin Timberlake, call the kids into the room, and we have a dance party. If it’s dark outside we turn off all the lights and take out the emergency flashlights and dance in the dark with beams of lights flashing everywhere. It’s a great way to let it all go, burn some calories, and laugh. Everyone gets to pick one or two songs. Dancing while standing on the coffee table or couch is totally encouraged. If anyone starts dancing in a bad mood, by the third song they are all giggles and joy!

2. Surround yourself with great food.

Make a trip to the store, meet a friend at your favorite restaurant, or cook a recipe from a good cookbook. Warm chocolate chip cookies, a green smoothie, or a gooey pizza can change the course of your day. Leave bowls of healthy nuts on the kitchen table and arrange some fresh apples and pears by your fridge. Research the best brownie recipe you can find and make a batch for you and one for your neighbors.

Food heals, so enjoy it and take precious care of your body and what you put in it. Here's one of my favorite comfort food recipes for bolognese.

3. Pray.

Get on some cozy yoga pants and a soft t-shirt. Grab your Bible and have a seat in the most comfortable chair and spend some time with the one who promises to bring you joy when you worship Him (Psalm 16:18). Grab a bottled water and a warm cup of something delicious. Take some time out of your busy day to find hope and direction. Meditate. If you’re not sure how to start, here’s two great articles with some simple directions:

How to Meditate
Meditation: Learning to Think of God

4. Get out of the house and walk or run.

Put on a great podcast (have you tried the Wife of an Alcoholic podcast?) and fill your mind with inspiration. Just thirty minutes a day will do wonders for your spirit and body. When I am walking, I try to look around at all the beauty surrounding me.

I look at the architecture of homes I'm passing, the beauty of the trees, the smile of a child riding by on her bike. I try to fill my heart by taking my eyes off my problems and reminding myself of all the goodness surrounding me.

5. Clean.

Sometimes when we feel out of control on the inside, we need to clean on the outside. Simplify your life by throwing away 25 things a day for a week. That sounds like a lot, doesn’t it? You would be amazed at how much junk you have been storing. Is that junk serving a purpose other than cluttering up your life?  

Organize your closets. Get rid of all the "stuff" in your home that's not giving you joy and is instead weighing you down. If 25 things doesn't sound possible, start with 5. Walk around with a big trash bag and have the courage to say, "I don’t need this anymore, so I am removing it from my life." Be decisive. It’s a great habit to get into. From that point on, for every one thing you bring into your life, give away something else. There is only so much room in our homes and we should not fill it with stuff we will never use.

Marie Kondo, the author of The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up, says it perfectly in her book:

“We come up with all kinds of reasons for not discarding things, such as ‘I didn’t use this particular pot all year, but who knows, I might need it sometime.’ But when we really delve into the reasons for why we can’t let something go, there are only two: an attachment to the past or a fear of the future.”

It’s time to face your past and get excited about your future by taking inventory of your possessions and making the difficult life-changing decisions of letting things go.

If you found this helpful,we have 3 courses that could change your life (and your relationship with your loved one who drinks too much) PLUS a Secret Facebook Group filled with women just like you (so you will never feel lonely again). Click here to learn more.

More than likely, you've had your feelings hurt from time to time. Regardless if it was because of your loved one that suffers from addiction, or a friend or family member, it hurts.

But remember, you get to choose who to be vulnerable with, and who will treat you with love and care.

In today's episode, you’ll hear a very relevant story involving my dad, ways to cope with hurt feelings, and how to choose whose opinions matter.

You'll be able to come out of this stronger and with more confidence, knowing exactly who you are.

Find more here:
https://loveoveraddiction.com/coping-with-hurt-feelings/ 

Join us here: https://loveoveraddiction.com 

Did I ever tell you one of the reasons I decided to leave my husband was because of a basketball hoop we purchased for my kids' Christmas gift?  

My six-year-old son really wanted to learn how to play basketball. And we had just enough space in our backyard to set up a real basketball hoop so he could safely practice. This hoop was not the plastic kind for little kids. This was the heavy, 10-foot, NBA kind.

On Christmas morning, my oldest son opened the big gift. But tears started rolling down his cheeks when he realized it had to be assembled.

I looked at my husband and waited to see if he would grab some tools and get started. Instead of assembling his son’s new toy, he got in his car on Christmas day to meet his drug dealer.

My teenage brother came to the rescue and put together the basketball hoop in the cold, snowy weather for hours until his hands became numb and the sun went to sleep. All that work just to see my kids enjoy their gift.

That’s the kind of love my children needed. But it was not the kind of love they had.

Their father was sick and kept choosing drugs over his family, but why did I have to choose to live with his decision?

He was leaving his family for days at a time to get high, but why didn’t I take the kids and leave?

A few months later, I did leave.  It was well-planned and it took a village. I would have stayed if he got sober.  

Breaking up a family was never what I wanted.  But then again, I didn’t break up a family by leaving him.  

Addiction broke up my family.

Driving down 1-75 in a big U-Haul to start a new life in Florida, I was scared, lonely, and broke. I was a single mom who had tried everything she could to not be single. But there I was with a belly full of anxiety and three babies, headed toward our next chapter.

There was a surprise I found while planning our new life... courage. It turns out, I was full of it. Addiction tried to convince me I was worthless and used up. But with each step I took to leave, I found some deeply buried courage that was waiting to be re-discovered.

Courage is a funny thing... it only appears when you really need it. It’s not something you feel when you're brushing your teeth or reading a book or folding laundry. Courage lays low. It’s stuffed deep between your joints and only shows up when necessary.

So if you’re stuck and remaining comfortable in your pain because you’re afraid or listening to the lies of addiction, you’re never going to pull up that courage that’s waiting for you.  

Courage is begging to prove that you’re capable of saying and doing that thing you’ve been wanting to do or say. You just need to put the plan in motion and follow through. You can count on your courage. It’s always reliable and never-ending.

You’re a survivor. You’re an advocate and a defender. You were gifted by God with courage and that’s why you’re commanded to be strong and courageous. He wouldn’t ask you to do something you’re incapable of.

Your courage is waiting… are you going to use it?

Today is the day that you need to use some of your courage and join me and hundreds of other women just like you in one of our programs. Your recovery is just as important and necessary as the recovery of the one you love.

Being in a relationship with someone suffering from addiction takes courage and can be downright hard sometimes. Am I right? There might be days filled with tears, anger, and frustration. Or maybe you make some mistakes (and that's completely normal).

But here's the thing: courage is being willing to fall apart, brush yourself off, and then keep trying. It's realizing that your tears and failures are not a measurement of YOU. It is knowing that making mistakes is part of being human, and giving yourself lots of grace is so important.

In this week's episode, I share a personal story about my son finding his courage and the importance of picking yourself back up and trying again. You've got this!

Find more here: 

https://loveoveraddiction.com/courage/ 

Join us here: https://loveoveraddiction.com

As a codependent, setting (and sticking to) boundaries can sometimes be challenging. And look, no judgment at all. Boundaries are tricky and take lots of practice. 

But they're also so important to have when you love someone suffering from addiction. Because here's the thing: without boundaries, the morals and values you entered the relationship with become compromised over time.

Tune in to this week's episode, where I discuss a favorite book of mine (along with some helpful stories) about setting and sticking to boundaries. And even if you're not codependent, this will still be super helpful.

This episode originally aired in October 2020. 

Find more here: 

https://loveoveraddiction.com/boundaries-for-codependents/ 

Join us here: https://loveoveraddiction.com

When you love someone struggling with addiction, you just want to try to make sense of why this is happening to them, right? And you probably also want some validation that they really do have a problem (because let's be honest, addiction can make you feel crazy sometimes).

So is there a way to be able to do that (and does it really help)?

Tune in to this week's new episode, where I cover several screening tools and how understanding this process will help your expectations if your partner undergoes one.

Find more here: 

https://loveoveraddiction.com/screening/

Join us here: https://loveoveraddiction.com

If we’re getting real with each other, we’ve probably all had a conversation about pornography in our relationships. 

Pornography is completely normalized, accepted, and expected as something that men (and women) do to cope, relieve stress, or otherwise find a release. 

But here’s the thing: how do we know when it’s an addiction vs. just watching pornography for other reasons? 

That’s a great question, and something we explore on today’s interview with our very own Laurie. Let’s make space for her as she shares her story and connects with me about her husband’s pornography addiction. 

Listen and find more here: https://loveoveraddiction.com/podcast/

Join your sisterhood: https://loveoveraddiction.com/

Connect personally: https://www.instagram.com/love_over_addiction/

When you have someone in your life who is struggling with addiction, you've probably felt a wide range of emotions: hurt, anger, sadness, and sometimes even hope. It can be a lot, right?

So when you start to feel your emotions rise (which is normal!), it's important to find your 'center' again. But how do you do that?

Tune in to this week's new episode for a quick and helpful tip about detaching that you can use with anyone in your life (even with strangers!).

Find more here: 

https://loveoveraddiction.com/finding-your-center/

Join us here: https://loveoveraddiction.com

When you love someone struggling with addiction, you've maybe felt overwhelmed sometimes. Or you start believing some negative thoughts about yourself that their addiction tries to convince are true. Can you relate?

So how can you start to change this?

Tune in to this new episode where I share some tips to help you feel less overwhelmed and more empowered instead.

Find more here: 

https://loveoveraddiction.com/feeling-overwhelmed/ 

Join us here: https://loveoveraddiction.com

What happens when a loved one has been hiding their addiction from you (even for many years!)? Because let's be honest: it can be devastating when you find the 'evidence' such as empty bottles stashed in a 'hiding place,' right?

This is exactly what happened to one of the women in our community who Michelle spoke with recently.

Tune in to this new podcast interview where she shares her story, how she went six years of marriage without realizing she married an alcoholic, and how she’s built herself back stronger than ever.

Find more here: 

https://loveoveraddiction.com/interview-married-to-alcoholic/ 

Join us here: https://loveoveraddiction.com

We did something different this week: My friend Olivia is on the podcast - and she’s asking me personal questions from women in our community. Some questions are related to addiction - but others aren't. We talk motherhood, raising children, social media, and of course, stranded on an island. 

It's the first episode in our mini Ask Me Anything series.

It’s different than what we normally do - so if you’re new, don’t run away! 

Listen for something a little more fun, and a bit different. 

Do you have questions for me? Email them to Info@LoveOverAddiction.com. 

Whether your loved one suffers from addiction or not, having trust in your relationship is essential. Right? Because without it, you'll most likely start to feel frustrated or even stuck.

But if you entered this relationship with any trust issues from your past, it's important to make your healing a priority. And you're not going to be able to do that if you're looking to your partner to help you feel better.

So, how do you start to heal? By learning to trust yourself again. Tune in to this week's episode, where I share some tips (and examples) that you can start to apply to your life right now.

Find more here: 

https://loveoveraddiction.com/trust-yourself/ 

Join us here: https://loveoveraddiction.com

There have probably been times when your loved one drank too much at a family event. Or made a scene in front of others when they were under the influence of drugs or alcohol. As a result, you might have felt embarrassed by their actions and behaviors. Can you relate?

Here's the thing: feeling embarrassed by other people's actions or behaviors (even your own) can be a sign of codependency.

In this week's episode, I share a personal story about my own codependency and how mastering this skill in all areas of your life can be so freeing.

https://loveoveraddiction.com/embarrassed/ 

When we love someone that drinks too much or suffers from addiction, it’s easy to go down the rabbit hole of researching their issues and offering them a label or diagnosis.

And frankly, why wouldn’t we? We know they have a problem, and we love them. We’re trying to help. Right?

Well, I actually have a different idea, sister. I know, this may be hard to hear, but let me explain. There’s something else that we can be doing instead, that will truly make an impact on the situation and be so incredibly helpful.

Listen to the podcast for my ideas on why labeling isn’t appropriate, when it is acceptable, and what you can do instead. I also share three bonus tips on the podcast… Enjoy!

To listen to the full episode (including 3 bonus tips) go here: https://loveoveraddiction.com/do-labels-make-a-difference/

We have a free guidesheet for you this week. Find that here: https://loveoveraddiction.com/speak127/

And if you’re ready to learn more about Love Over Addiction and join the movement, you can do that here: https://loveoveraddiction.com/

This week we’re going to be talking about a subject that makes some people (most people) feel uncomfortable. Intimacy (or in other words: sex).

Intimacy can be difficult when you love someone who drinks too much or suffers from addiction. If you’re married to a man who drinks or uses drugs in the evening - often times you might be looking to have a moment and they are passed out or out with “friends”.

Or perhaps they want to sleep with you but the idea makes you ill. How could you be vulnerable with someone who makes you feel so unimportant when they drink or use?

Because I always believe in being vulnerable with you (and this is a place of no judgement - ever) - I’ll share first.

At the beginning of our marriage, I would use sex as something that would bring us together. I knew I would get his undivided attention and that I could make him feel good - so I willingly participated.

Towards the end of our marriage, I used to feel empty during sex. I had learned not to trust him outside our bedroom so why would I trust him inside? 

I let him have his way while I would stare at the clock and wish it was over. But after awhile, it just became too much. It was clear I was being used to meet his needs- there was no moments of tenderness there. And I could no longer access a place of vulnerability - because I was so angry about his addiction and he was so disconnected.

So I stopped. Politely and respectfully - I refused to sleep with my husband.

And even though it made him mad, it made me feel empowered. Not because I was holding it over his head or using sex as a way of getting him sober (because we all know that will never work). It was because I was respecting my body. My right to save the most intimate act I know for someone who consistently shows me the kind of love that is patient and kind.

I stopped sleeping with the man I loved until we had the kind of love that trusts, protects, hopes and preserves. Anything less made me feel dirty. 

​If you would like to be intimate with your husband, that's ok. If you would like to wait - you reserve the right to say, 'no thank you”. The bottom line: it's about honoring your heart. 

Pay attention to the REASON you want to be intimate with him. 

Is the reason you want to be intimate because you're feeling needy and looking for attention or to be validated? Then, it might be better to practice some healthier ways to feel important. 

If you're looking to be intimate because you're just in the mood and looking for fun, then go ahead and be intimate with him.

Sex is a powerful act and can be very healing or really mess us up. So we need to honor our bodies and be respectful of our hearts. 

P.S. I do have a video about intimacy in the Love Over Addiction program and teach more helpful tips about sex in the Love Over Boundaries program.  If you haven’t joined us yet - I would love to get to know you better inside the program. Confidently is our biggest priority. Click here to check out all our programs.

I thought I would make you a video about one of my most favorite topics to discuss: the struggles of the secrecy that comes hand-in-hand with addiction.

Do you wonder if you should tell anyone about your family disease?

Is there someone you want to confide in but you’re not sure how to tell them what’s really going on in your home?

Are you feeling lonely and isolated because you’ve lost most of your friendships?

I discuss all that in this video. The struggle to keep this disease a secret is real. Together we can help break the stigma of addiction. This disease happens to good men and women and it’s not something we should feel ashamed about.

I adore you. We are in this together.

At some point, you've probably felt embarrassed about your situation or something your loved one has done who suffers from addiction. Or maybe you're worried about being judged by others. Does this sound familiar?

But here's the thing: you're not alone with what you're going through (even if it feels that way sometimes). By feeling humiliation or shame, you're giving away your power to addiction. 

So how do you find your power? Tune in to this week's episode to hear a valuable lesson about embarrassment I taught my son recently and how this can be an opportunity to move forward with your healing.

Find more here: 

https://loveoveraddiction.com/embarrass/

Join us here: https://loveoveraddiction.com

Every woman in this community knows what it’s like to love a good person that drinks too much or suffers from addiction. Addiction is the third party in their relationships too, just like it was in mine.

The voice of addiction is ugly. It’s full of lies and deceit. And, it’s loud. It knows how to play you, when to be loud, and when to soften. It’s not fair. You did nothing to deserve this.

If you are struggling today, or have ever struggled with this ugly voice in your head, please listen to these words on the podcast today. Listen over and over again. And let these words be the louder voice in your head next time addiction starts playing its games.

Today, we celebrate you. Your strength, your power, your beauty, and everything you have to offer. You, sister.

Find more show notes, encouragement, and helpful tips here: https://loveoveraddiction.com/celebration-of-women/

We have a free guidesheet to help you start your recovery today: https://loveoveraddiction.com/boundaries129/

And if you’re ready to join the Love Over Addiction community in one of our online programs, you can join us here: https://loveoveraddiction.com/courses/

Here’s the deal: you reserve the right to change your mind at any time, for any reason. 

Why is that important? Because if you’re anything like me, you put a lot of pressure on yourself to make the “right” choice. 

And sometimes you may even get stuck or frozen in indecision, because you’re too afraid of getting it ‘wrong’. There’s no judgment here. I’ve struggled with this all my life. 

Whether it’s coming from your inner perfectionist, pressures from society's expectations, or even friends and family, find out why it’s okay to get it ‘wrong’. 

And why we need to allow ourselves grace and space to mess up. 

Find more: https://loveoveraddiction.com/why-its-okay-to-change-your-mind/

Join our judgment-free community: https://loveoveraddiction.com/

Connect personally and see all the ways I get it ‘wrong’: https://instagram.com/love_over_addiction/

Anger…. It’s an emotion women don’t like to discuss. But it’s a very REAL and HONEST feeling when addiction is a part of your family - and we always believe in speaking truth - even when it prickles a little.

Loving someone who suffers from alcoholism or addiction is hard. Period. And you’re allowed to ride the roller coaster of emotions without apologies.

If you feel angry sometimes - no shame sister. WELCOME TO THE CLUB!  Now head over to LoveOverAddiction.com and get 5 helpful tips to deal with your natural feelings of anger.  

Would you prefer to listen to a podcast?  We’ve got that too. Click here to listen to the Love Over Addiction podcast.

Let's be real, loving someone who drinks too much or suffers from substance abuse can feel like the opposite of a blessing.

But one of the things that make our community different is that we refuse to just talk about the dark sides of this disease. Many, many blessings come out of a complicated relationship. And today, I want to talk about one of them.

I am divorced. And I was the one who chose to leave my husband after ten years of trying to “help” him get sober. We have three children together. And one of the greatest fears that kept me suffering in my marriage was the idea that leaving would break our family apart. I was so afraid that I would do serious damage to my children.

A few years ago I was a Keynote Speaker for a Celebrate Recovery conference. I brought my oldest son, Lance who was 12 at the time to hear me speak. His response to my talk about his father made me weep.

Below is an excerpt from an email to all attendees and the entire church written by the man who ran the conference. He refers to Dr. Jerry Cade who is a wonderful guy that heads up the National Christian Counseling Association (I ended up being a Keynote from them after this talk).

I hope you find hope and see this disease really does bring blessings. Not just for you, but for your children as well. It’s not all dark, and there is so much light just waiting for you. Have faith that blessings are just around the corner.
____________________________________

Michelle Anderson's wonderfully titled program, Love Over Addiction, is giving wisdom to women about loving a man who suffers from substance abuse. Michelle's young son, Lance, joined her for the entire day. She mentioned Lance in her address and the fact that this was his first time ever to hear his mom speak in such a formal presentation. Dr. Cade wrote, "I happened to sit by him (Lance). Maybe it was just me, but I think that at the end of Michelle's talk, he jumped to his feet and began to applaud and led all the rest of us to a standing ovation. Love over addiction, indeed!"

No, Jerry, it wasn't just you --- I saw it, too --- a boy who, without thought of embarrassment, jumped from the pew applauding; but, it was his face I will remember - a young boy's face lit up with a righteous pride that shouted from the rooftop, "That is MY mom!!! I am HER son!!" If nothing else had happened in the entire conference but that one moment in time for that one boy, then Re-Creation lived up to its name!”

_________________________________

I adore you my reader and you’re an amazing mother.  I promise you that this disease will not ruin them if you communicate with your kids about what’s going on.

Not sure what to tell them?  The Love Over Mistakes program discusses exactly what to say (and what NOT to say) to your children.  Join us by clicking here and find the answers you’ve been looking for.

Last week, I answered a question from one of our loving, strong women in our Secret Facebook Group. I love this group. I’ll admit... being the introvert I am, I’m not usually one to join groups. So when I started adding free access to the group when you join one of our programs, I really wondered - are women actually going to find this helpful?

And, boy, do they ever. It’s a safe place (with no judgment) to share what’s really going on in your relationship and to be encouraged, embraced, and given advice (if requested).  

Because that’s one of the things that makes The Love Over community different: we offer specific advice and tools to help you - whether your partner decides to get sober or not. We don’t buy into the theory that we’re powerless over this disease. We don’t just need to sit back and let addiction take over our lives.

There are real, tangible things we can do that will help us take back our control and maybe help them get better.

So this week, I’m going to answer another great question from one of our women in this group (we will never share names because confidentiality is our priority - seriously):

Q:  I haven’t been able to have a conversation with my AH (alcoholic husband) in years. He takes [the conversation] over, usually talking non-stop, talking over me, and then getting angry with me - all the while telling me everything I do wrong. I usually cannot get a word in edgewise so I don't know how I can even enforce a boundary since I would not be able to say anything. He won't stop talking long enough to listen. Any suggestions?

You don't need to enforce a boundary with words. In fact, it's sometimes better if you don't use words. Use your actions. If he won't listen and have a conversation that is respectful when both you and he are listening and sharing, then stop the conversation. Shut it down.

If he's blaming or disrespecting you, you have permission to walk away.

By staying and engaging, you're giving him the message that it's okay to talk to you like that. Lock yourself in a different room if you have to. Get in your car and go somewhere. Whatever. Just stop giving him attention. He can’t keep talking if there’s no audience.

You can do this. You’re a strong and courageous woman. Changing our behaviors changes your results. If you want him to treat you differently, you have to change first. Remember, my friend, you teach people how to treat you. I’m right behind you cheering you on every step of the way. Put your healing first by joining one of our programs and see how much different your life will be.

As always, there's never any judgment on whether you decide to stay or leave. That's completely up to you (and you always reserve the right to change your mind at any time). 

But please take some time to listen to this episode because it's all about you and your children's safety and well-being.

Find more here: 

https://loveoveraddiction.com/signs-of-abuse/

Join us here: https://loveoveraddiction.com

When you love someone struggling with addiction, you're more than likely taking on too much responsibility. I mean, let's be honest; you're probably the one who always makes sure that everything gets done, whether that's the household, children, finances, or many other things. It can be downright exhausting.

So, how can you tell if you're taking on too much responsibility?

Tune in to this new episode where you'll learn that you don't have to do it all (and why you probably feel like you currently need to).

Find more here: 

https://loveoveraddiction.com/too-much-responsibility/ 

Join us here: https://loveoveraddiction.com

Dear _______,

Our marriage served a purpose and was not wasted even though it did not last. We had three little ones who are light and joy and gifts to this world. They have your terrific sense of humor, your working hands, and your kind heart.

You knew that dark, rainy afternoon that you could not be the father they need. That I had found someone who could love them and care for them in a way that your addiction would not let you. You let them go out of pure love. And when you shook that man's hand outside and thanked him for adopting your blood, that was the most selfless, loving act of kindness.

You are not defined by the mistakes you’ve made.

In that moment, the man God created you to be was overpowering the man that addiction is trying to make you become.

I am no better than you because I don't struggle with addiction. We are both doing the best we can and making mistakes along the way.

You were given an unfair disadvantage. A predisposition. Why you? Why did our family have to break apart because of this disease?

I don't know, but one day I will get to ask God. And until then, I will work. I will work to help heal the suffering that addiction causes. To educate women and teach them that we’re not powerless over this disease.

I could not save you from your disease, but I will spend my life working to make it purposeful.

We love you - from a distance, where it's safe. Because this disease is a nasty battle that is dangerous for young, tender hearts and minds. We will cheer you on and pray with tears and grit for your healing. But we will be outside the arena of your battle.

We know you can fight and surrender and win. You're a special gift. Your talents need to be used. You have love and knowledge to share with the world.

This is a battle for your life. Literally. Fight for it. Never give up. It might appear that we have left. That you have been abandoned. But if you listen closely, you will hear our cheers. Our deep plea for your breakthrough.

We have not given up. It has been many years and our voices of encouragement have not faded.

We love you - from a safe distance.

P.S. We thank you. I thank you. Thank you for never condemning me for my purpose. For encouraging me to tell my story. For thanking me for finding a good father for your children. We are waiting with open arms for your victory over addiction.

If you’re ready to commit to your healing – join one of our programs and let’s get started. They are full of REAL tips (and not a lot of fluff) that you can start using immediately.

When you love someone suffering from addiction, it can be hard to see clearly in that situation. Especially if they develop their addiction habits after you meet them.

When we’re in the thick of loving someone suffering from addiction, we can have blinders on. We can be in denial, or make excuses for them. We begin to think that this crazy environment, with all this chaos, is normal. Have you ever felt that way?

If you have, I want you to listen to this podcast interview with Terri. She’s a Love Over Addiction sister, and her story will inspire you. Her brave actions, her boundaries, her change in behaviors truly shifted her whole life.

You can find more details here: https://loveoveraddiction.com/how-to-deal-with-denial/

If you want more free resources when you love someone suffering from addiction, check out our website here: http://loveoveraddiction.com

And, if you’re up for it, it’d mean so much to us if you rate and review our podcast on iTunes. The more ratings and reviews we have, the easier it is for other women in need to find us. Thank you.

When you love someone struggling with addiction, there's usually a rollercoaster of emotions - feeling hopeful for their recovery, only to then feel disappointed when they can't get sober. Over and over again. Not only is this frustrating, but it's an unhealthy cycle for you, as well. 

So if you've finally reached a point that enough is enough and you've decided to leave, then what?

Tune in to this new episode to hear why it's time to take ownership of your life and what that may look like.

Find more here: 

https://loveoveraddiction.com/after-you-leave/

Join us here: https://loveoveraddiction.com

Addiction thrives on the fact that it can mess with our minds.

We get confused and feel guilty when our expectations are not met by our partner, particularly when we love a good man or a good woman who’s suffering from this disease.

We start to think, “Is what I’m asking for too much? Are my expectations too high? Is what I’m craving something normal, or should I not be asking so much from my partner?”

The four basic needs of a relationship involve love, attention, affection, and help from your partner. But are you expecting those four basic needs from somebody who can consistently meet them in a healthy way?

You should not feel guilty for expecting those needs to be met from the person you want to share the rest of your life with or your son or daughter.

Are you expecting them to love you like you deserve to be loved though? Are you expecting them to show up consistently—to be truthful at all times and every occasion? Because love is trust. Do you expect them to be kind? Because love is not rude. Love protects you.

Love is your safe spot. It’s your landing point. It’s the place that you feel called back to again and again after a hard day.

Are there times in your life that you want to share with your partner, but they are absent? Are you counting on them to give you more attention than their addiction?

What about affection? Do you desire for your partner to respect your heart and your feelings enough to trust them with your body? Are you expecting to feel safe with them when you're intimate and vulnerable?

And do you expect them to see you when you need help? Do you want your loved one to anticipate your needs and be thoughtful enough to meet them?

Love, attention, affection, and help are four basic needs for anybody in a committed, loving relationship.

Here's the truth: each one is necessary from both partners. If your needs are not being met, it’s okay to feel upset. It is acceptable for you to take a pause and mourn the idea that as long as addiction is constantly in your relationship, chances are, those four basic needs are not going to be met for you on a regular basis.

It is almost impossible for your loved one to manage their active addiction and meet your expectations. I’ve never seen it happen.

More than likely, if your loved one is suffering from a drug addiction, a porn addiction, a sex addiction, or an alcohol addiction, it’s preoccupying most of their thoughts, so they're not thinking about your needs and how to meet them.

You're probably feeling used when you're intimate with your partner because you recognize that your heart, your mind, and your spirit are not being respected enough.

But in this community, we believe you are not helpless.

You can come to the point where you say, “Michelle, I am going to leave because I feel in my heart that I deserve something better. I deserve those four basic needs to be met by my partner.” Or you can decide to stay and say, “I’m not ready to leave. This partner is worth the pain and the suffering, and I’m willing to readjust my expectations in order to remain in this relationship and stay happy.”

Either one of those choices is fine. But you’re going to have to lower your expectations for the person that you love.

You can provide yourself with the kind of love that you're looking for and needing from your partner. YOU.

Remove the responsibility from the person whom you love to meet your needs.

Now, I know that's not easy to do, and I know that’s heartbreaking, but those feelings of anger, disappointment, and resentment will disappear if you start taking care of yourself.

How do you do that?

Love: how do you meet the basic need of love if your partner isn’t making you feel adored? If you’re a member of the Love Over Addiction program or you’ve listened to the podcasts, you’ve heard me say this before:

Do something kind for yourself every single day.

Every night I reward myself for working hard for my family, for you, and for myself by taking a bubble bath. And I soak in it as long as I need to while reading my favorite book.

That is my reward. I turn down the lights, and I close the door. That's when I fill my cup up.

If you're not into that, that’s okay. So is it cooking? Is it making time to exercise, paint, or do your nails? Whatever it is for you, make a list, and do something nice for yourself every day.

By doing that, you are loving yourself.

Next is attention. What do you do if the one you love doesn’t give you attention? I know this is very common in the world of addiction. They don’t come home when they say they’re going to come home, or they take off when they want a drink.

It’s between you (or your children) and addiction to get your loved one’s attention. So how do you get that need met if they’re not fulfilling it?

This is huge, so don’t miss it: you need friends. I know that you are feeling lonely. And you're feeling lonely because you're not getting out of the house enough and having fun.

You’re feeling lonely because you're giving too much attention to the person you love instead of the loving people who are around you.

You’re giving yourself, and everything good that you have to offer, away to somebody who is not fully able to appreciate it. So take some of it back, and give it to the people in your life who are waiting for you to reach out.

I want you to make friends and invest in them. Get out of your pain and your struggles enough to text somebody and say, “How are you doing? What's going on with you? Do you want to go for a walk this week? Would you like to meet for dinner?” Join a group or a class, and meet new people.

There are too many of us who struggle with loneliness because we are afraid to leave the house and not be there to control the ones we love.

Let it go.

I remember being in year five of my relationship with my ex-husband who was addicted to drugs and alcohol. I had lost all of my friends, and I was so lonely because I didn't want to let anyone in on the secret that I was struggling with this.

Put yourself out there.

I promise the more you try, and the more consistent you are, the more that it's going to pay off. Pretty soon, you're going to find yourself with three or four really amazing friends. You're going to be so grateful that you did. So that's how you get the attention that you're looking for.

Lastly, you crave affection. You want to be lovingly touched, and you want to hold hands with somebody. You need affection. Your children can provide this. I personally force my teenagers to hug me. They roll their eyes.

If you don’t have kids you can get that attention from, go get a massage. Go get a facial. Get your nails done. Also, yoga. I don’t know what it is, but hot yoga in particular really seems to give you that connection to your body that you're looking for.

So, those are your four basic needs from a relationship. And I’ve just taught you how to meet every single one of those needs, whether they decide to get sober or not.

The key takeaway here is to lower your expectations.

And the quicker that you do this, the quicker your recovery will come from loving somebody with addiction. Forget having your needs met by the person you love for now. If they get better and they get sober long-term (one year or more), great. Then, you can re-adjust your expectations. But if they are actively suffering from addiction, you need to look elsewhere.

As soon as you start implementing these tools and tips, I promise you will start to feel better. You will start to feel like the kind, loving, and smart woman that I know you are.

You can do this. You’re not alone. You have all of your sisters. Particularly, if you join one of our programs, you’ve got thousands of women cheering you on and telling you, “Do not give up.”

Do not turn around and go backward. Keep moving forward and taking the steps that you need. Get out of the house. Meet your own needs. Make space for yourself. You’ve got this.

When you love someone suffering from addiction is it ok to drink around them?

Sometimes it’s easy to say “no, thank you” when we’re asked if we would like a glass of wine or pretty beverage since we have grown to hate the very substance that’s tearing our family apart.

But other times, we wonder… am I enabling him if I drink around him?  If I’m telling him not to drink should I avoid people drinking too?

These are great questions.

Here's what I always recommend: try not to drink in front of your loved one. I did not drink in front of mine for 10 years.  It had no effect on his drinking (he still drank and used drugs) but it helped me know that I was not a stumbling block.

If I had a drinking problem (and thank God I don’t), I think it would bother me to be around other people who drink. That's why a lot of non-drinkers stick together - it takes away the pressure.  If they were trying to quit smoking - would we light up a cigarette in front of them?  I would hope not.

You're not going to be able to avoid social situations where people don't drink and your loved one needs to learn how to handle it, but I would personally, as his wife, support him when you're at home or out by ordering a coke, tea or water.

Refraining from drinking in front of an alcoholic is one of the most loving acts of kindness we can do for the ones who struggle with this disease.  ​

If you found this tip helpful there are plenty more practical ways we can help ourselves and the ones we love. We don’t need to stay stuck and unhappy.  There are better answers.  Click here to take a look at one of our programs and payment plans.

When you love someone suffering from addiction or substance abuse disorder, it can feel like you're dealing with two different people.

When they're sober, you see the person you fell in love with. They're kind, loving, funny, and caring. In these moments you see your true partner and the love of your life.

When they start drinking or using drugs, it feels like they turn into someone else. Their addiction masks their personality and takes away the person you fell in love with in the first place. 

We discuss how to navigate these 'two different people'. 

I was talking to a wonderful and wise woman who has joined the Love Over Addiction program, and she was telling me a story about her husband who lied to her about his drinking.

She walked in on him sitting in his office and sensed that he had been drinking again. She confronted him and he denied it. So she picked up the glass and said, “What is this?” He told her it was Coke and swore there wasn’t any alcohol in it.

She took a sip and said it tasted funny. But he kept saying it was just soda.

This loving and smart woman felt like she was going crazy because it didn’t taste like it was just soda. It didn’t look like just Coke. But he was looking her right in the eye swearing it was just soda.

So she took the drink and walked it over to her neighbor's house and made him try it. He said, “Whatever that is, it’s not just soda.”

It’s ridiculous how this disease can make us feel like we’re going crazy when we try to call our partner out on a lie and they deny, deny, deny.

So what do you do the next time you're convinced they’re lying that won’t make you feel like you're going crazy?

It’s very simple and it’s something you can start to do immediately.

The next time you’re convinced the one you love is lying to you about anything (because addiction loves to try and get away with a LOT), you let them know this: you know the truth.

BUT, here’s the deal: you need to tell them this very calmly and in one or two sentences, and then you hang up, walk out of the room, disengage.

So in my friend's situation, this is what she would do:

1. She suspects that he’s drinking.
2. She picks up the drink and tastes it.
3. Alarm bells go off.
4. She trusts her gut. She tells herself, “I’m a smart and intelligent woman and this disease is trying to trick me. But I will no longer be fooled. The scales have been removed from my eyes. My blinders are off. I am trusting myself again.”
5. She will put the drink down and calmly say, “I know there is alcohol in this drink. You are not fooling me.”
6. And then she will walk away. Don’t engage in an argument.  Don’t wait for him to deny. He won’t tell you the truth. Stop the battle before it starts.

He is NOT going to say, “You’re right honey. That’s a drink and I was trying to trick you. I love you so much. Please forgive me and wait right here while I throw it out.”

We both know that won’t happen so don’t expect it.

You know it’s a drink. I know it’s a drink. Your partner knows it’s a drink. Accept that you are with someone who drinks or uses drugs. For today, you’re choosing to stay with him or her. Tomorrow might be different, though, and you reserve the right to change your mind.

When you try to prove they are drinking or using, you’re attempting to control or admit they have a problem. Stop. Take a deep breath and remember you ARE in control - over yourself and your reaction. And you can go about your day with or without him or her now that you know the truth.

If you haven’t joined us in one of our programs and you want to find answers, hope, and happiness, what are you waiting for? Click here to check out the details. Our programs are offered for just $25 a month. If your partner is spending money on their bad habits, making an investment in your family's future is a more valuable choice, don't you think?

When we love someone suffering from addiction, we think that if they can just get sober, all the problems would melt away. We’d somehow have a “normal” life after that, right? 

I know when I was married to a good man that suffered from addiction, that’s what I thought. 

Today we have an interview from our community who shares her story and how they got here. Her husband hasn’t had a drink in over five years, and she continues to practice her healing every single day. We talk about big issues, like a near death experience for her husband, why she was excited about that, and what her line in the sand is. 

Find more here: https://loveoveraddiction.com/podcast/

New Year's Eve is a night of the year that painfully reminds us of the unique relationship of loving someone who drinks too much or has substance abuse issues.

Here are four tips that will help make this holiday a little easier:

Be kind and compassionate with yourself.

Don’t worry if other people are judging you because of your partner’s disease. You are a beautifully created, loving woman. Your self-worth needs to come from God, not your friends or family members. Don’t compare your normal with other people’s normal. They may not be in love with someone suffering from this disease, but I promise you that their partner is not perfect either.

Walk away.

It might be a good idea if you need to leave the room or leave the party – with or without them. Or, choose to skip the party have a cozy evening in with a great book or your favorite movie and some popcorn. Bottom line: create some distance between you and this disease if you need to.

Do not own their embarrassing behavior.

Do not apologize for your partner’s actions and bad behavior. He or she is an adult who needs to make their own apologies.  If they are slurring, being inappropriate, or rude, don’t make excuses for them. Let the bottom fall out. It might be the best thing that ever happened to them.

Do not lecture them the next morning.

You don’t need to remind them of their awful choices. He or she already knows. Yelling or giving the silent treatment the morning after will just make them resent you and make you feel guilty.

You are dignified and courageous. You can and will speak with kindness and strength. And if you feel like you just can’t control yourself - leave for an hour or two or make yourself busy with something that brings you joy.

It’s okay to let them know if they ask how they behaved the night before. But no amount of shaming or trying to convince them how bad they were will change anything. They know there’s a problem - they are just not willing to do anything about it yet.

I know these are difficult steps, but I believe that you can do it! You are not alone and I am here cheering you on!  Don’t let this disease bring you down. You deserve a fun New Year's Eve - if they are sober or not.

If you haven’t joined us in one of our programs and you want to find answers, hope, and happiness, what are you waiting for? Click here to check out the details. Our programs are offered for just $25 a month. If they are spending money on their bad habits, making an investment in your family's future is a better choice, don’t you think?

When we love somone suffering from addiction, it can be hard to know if we should throw away their drugs, alcohol, or get rid of their pornography. 

We hear this from people in our community all the time. They'll find stashes in the bathroom, bedroom, garage, car, or office.

What should you do when you find it? 

We'll get into the details of how to handle each item, because their are legal differences between drugs vs. alcohol or porn. 

Find all the details here: https://www.loveover.co/podcast/should-we-throw-away-their-substances

This week we’re re-releasing the very first ever episode. It’s an oldie, but a goodie. And here’s the truth: when you love someone suffering from addiction, these tips are always helpful, no matter how ‘new’ or ‘old’ they are.

In this episode Michelle shares helpful tips about why you still love them, and why that’s totally okay. Even a well meaning friend or family member may not get it. They just may not understand. And that’s okay too. Because you have this community here. And it’s full of women that actually do understand. We get it, because we’re either there in the same situation right now, or we were at one time in our life.

And it’s not easy. So please, please rely on this community when you need an understanding ear and encouraging words.

Find more details here: https://loveoveraddiction.com/why-you-love-an-alcoholic-or-substance-abuser/

You’ll see other free resources, helpful tips, and more about the community here: https://loveoveraddiction.com/

Sometimes the disease of addiction can bring out the worst in us. We can feel angry they keep lying to us. Or depressed because they keep choosing drugs and alcohol over their marriage and family.

But if you take away all the dysfunction that addiction adds to the family, if you remove those layers, you will discover a gentle and loving woman with an open heart and the thoughtfulness to give.

You will find grace.

Grace is one of my favorite words. Grace is not angry or powerful in a loud way. It’s soft and tender and done with an open heart. It’s an extension of forgiveness. It’s being able to look someone in the eyes and feel them in your heart. 

Grace is hugging the ones you love tightly during their meltdown.

My sweet 10 year old son was having a meltdown at bedtime the other night. He was yelling about his younger brother throwing his pillow on the floor and as I stood in the doorway of his bedroom listening to this silly temper tantrum, my mommy instincts told me this really isn’t what he’s upset about. And rather than telling him his meltdown was silly and to get back to bed (because it was 30 mins past bedtime) I saw his heart hurting. 

So I walked over to his bed, put him in my lap and told him I was so sorry he was having such a hard day. Then, I mentioned 2 things I loved about him. 

I said, “Graham, I love that every time I come back from getting my hair done, you tell me I look beautiful.” Because he’s sweet like that.  “And I also love how thoughtful you are. When we were walking through the mall last week - you offered to carry my overstuffed purse even though I could tell you may have been a little embarrassed.” 

You know what happened? He stopped crying and the love in my heart filled up his. 

He gave me a kiss on the cheek - curled up in bed and went fast to sleep.

Grace means coming from a place of love when others can’t.

It’s reaching for my husband's hand in a crowded place and giving it a squeeze to let him know I love him. 

It’s choosing to look at the reason why someone is hurting you instead of getting stuck in the hurt. 

It’s giving our friends the benefit of the doubt.

Grace helped me forgive my ex husband. Grace helps me forgive myself. Grace brings me back to soft.

My husband recently told me: I love you when you're being tender. I love when you’re being loving and compassionate to the kids or when we’re at dinner with another couple and you’re giving them a pep talk. I just sit back and watch. That’s when I fall in love with you all over. 

I know the side of me he’s referring to. But most days, I am all drive, ambition - armed with my to-do list and sheer determination to get it done. We women have to wear many hats (chef, housekeeper, nanny, chauffeur, manager, etc.), don’t we?

Sometimes the side that is tender and loving gets pushed aside or hidden because we get so hurt by the ones we love when we’re vulnerable enough to reveal it. This is especially true if you’re married to a man who drinks too much or uses drugs.

But occasionally, let’s just take a moment to extend grace to others and ourselves. Let’s put away the battle gear that addiction forces us to wear everyday and be tender. In for no other reason, to remember we still have grace. And that is something this disease can never take away from us.

Have you ever wondered why you landed in this relationship with someone suffering from addiction in the first place?  

I know that I did. And we’ve heard the same question from countless women in our community. 

It’s a great question, because if we’re being honest, none of us ever dreamed of being in such a relationship. Right? 

Today we talk about why you’re here in the first place. It’s good stuff. Listen on your next walk, drive, or while you’re cozied up on the couch with your headphones and a cup of tea.

Find more here: https://loveoveraddiction.com/why-this-relationship/

Join us here: https://loveoveraddiction.com/

As you've heard me say before, my ex-husband is a good man who struggles with addiction, but unfortunately, addiction turned him into a different person. There were also many red flags that I missed (or didn't want to believe) during our relationship.

Have you ever wondered if your partner really is (or isn't) a good person?

Tune in to this week's episode, where I dive into a list of red flags that could indicate your loved one may have some psychopathic behavior and what you can do about it.

Find more here: 

https://loveoveraddiction.com/red-flags/

Join us here: https://loveoveraddiction.com

If you're with someone struggling with addiction, have you ever wondered what it could look like to stay in your relationship with them?

I recently spoke to a very wise woman in our community who has done so much work on her own healing and has decided to stay in her marriage.

Tune in to hear this new podcast interview and how she arrived at the point of saying, 'I'm here to stay.'

Find more here: 

https://loveoveraddiction.com/here-to-stay/

Join us here: https://loveoveraddiction.com

When your loved one who struggles with addiction has been in and out of rehab for 22 years, at what point do you say, 'enough is enough?' Because honestly, are they really EVER going to get healthy (especially when they can't be honest about their addiction)?

That's something a strong woman in our community shared recently and what her 'line in the sand' was for leaving her marriage.

Take some time to listen to this new podcast episode and how the work she's done on her healing (including unlearning 'learned' behavior) has also helped her kids regarding their dad's addiction.

Find more here: 

https://loveoveraddiction.com/five-rehabs/

Join us here: https://loveoveraddiction.com

Several years ago, my dad took my brother and me on a trip to Paris. We went to the Louvre one afternoon and we paid extra money for headsets that you can wear while walking around the museum. The headsets tell you about each picture and the artist.

It was stunning. There were so many beautiful pieces of artwork that I didn't know where to lay my eyes. My brother and I just walked from hallway to hallway, overwhelmed by all of the beauty that these artists were able to create.

But there was one hallway in particular that was filled with tourists who were waiting in a long line to enter a room with a very special painting. This painting is considered a masterpiece. I can't tell you specifically what makes one painting a masterpiece and one painting just a regular painting.

But this piece of art was so beautiful and so perfect that dozens of people were in line in order to just get a glimpse of it.

Each detail had been carefully painted. Every stroke of the paintbrush was intentional and well-planned and thought out. You could tell the artist spent many, many hundreds of hours thinking over and working on this masterpiece.

This morning I woke up and opened my Bible looking for some sort of inspiration because I was feeling overwhelmed. We were getting ready to go on a trip and I had not packed. Instead of feeling grateful for being able to travel with my family, I was feeling overwhelmed and anxious about getting everything in order for while we were gone.

So when I came across a verse, it reminded me of that painting in the Louvre.

I learned that I'm a masterpiece. That God put as much effort into me as that artist had put into their painting. That's what makes me beautiful. And, like most people, I sometimes have a hard time believing that.

It's not that I doubt God - it's that I doubt myself.

I believe lots of people are considered God's masterpieces. But I'm not one of them. I am ridiculously flawed and have dirty dishes in the sink. I can't seem to find a balance between working and parenting. I criticize my husband for stupid things. It truly is ridiculous. So I am clearly not a masterpiece.

But the more that I thought about this, the more it made me feel uncomfortable that I was not believing God's word was true. Would He really make somebody who’s not a masterpiece?

If He makes all of us, I am criticizing God’s work when I criticize myself.

You are His masterpiece too. And it's time that we start believing that.

I love you dearly. Let’s be masterpieces together.

P.S.  If you’re feeling lonely or lost and not sure what to do that will help the special someone in your life who has this awful disease please click here to join one of our courses.  You will find the perfect tools you need to change your relationship and meet hundreds of women just like you.

The other day, my husband and I were celebrating a special event. We came home, got our pajamas on, tucked the kids into bed, and prepared for a cozy evening in.

I was standing in our bathroom washing my face and he walked in with a drink. And all of a sudden I felt a feeling I hadn’t experienced in years. My stomach got tight and I felt a little lump in my throat.

As I mentioned, we had been out and had our limit of two drinks. I don’t have a drinking problem and neither does he, so we don’t intentionally choose that amount. We just know from experience that three drinks are one too many for us.

So when he walked into the bathroom with drink number three, it took me off guard. I was unprepared. After a few moments, I realized - these were old feelings surfacing from my first husband who has a drinking and drug problem.

My quick, subconscious reaction to his third drink was a trigger caused by the pain from my past.

As I was staring at myself in the mirror blotting my face with a washcloth, I debated if I should say anything. He’s not my ex. He’s a sober, responsible man. Shouldn’t I be fine?

But then I thought if I did something that was causing him to have his old buttons pushed I would want to know.

So I kindly said, “I love you, honey, and I just need you to know that I’m feeling uncomfortable that you’re having another drink. I’m not asking you to pour it out - it’s just bringing up a lot of old feelings for me.”

And you know what he did?

Before I could even get the last few words out of my mouth, he was pouring it down the bathroom sink. He wasn’t angry or resentful. It was a natural choice for him that didn’t even require any more conversation.

I gave him a huge hug and thanked him over and over.

And that’s when I realized - when you love someone who isn't struggling with this disease - they will gladly get rid of the alcohol if they know you're even mildly upset. It’s not a big deal to them.

If you’re wondering if your partner loves alcohol more than he or she loves you, ask them to throw out the next bottle or cup and see how he reacts.

I know in my first marriage I begged, pleaded, threatened, and manipulated to try and get him to do the very thing Brian did in our bathroom. And it never worked.

Now and then I get transported back into my past and I can compare the life I had then to the life I have now. This is what I know for sure… I’m so glad I stopped focusing on his issues and started to focus on mine. If I didn’t commit to my recovery, I never would have had that moment in the bathroom.

If you’re ready to commit to your healing – join one of our programs and let’s get started. They are full of REAL tips (and not a lot of fluff) that you can start using immediately.

When you think about the relationship with your partner who struggles with addiction, have there been times you've questioned yourself about why you've stayed so long? And if so, what keeps pulling you back in even though it's not a healthy situation?

This is something a brave woman in our community shared with me recently that many people will most likely be able to relate to.

Tune in for this new podcast interview to hear how trauma bonds kept this woman from leaving an unhealthy relationship (and whether or not she's still with her partner).

Find more here: 

https://loveoveraddiction.com/trauma-bond/

Join us here: https://loveoveraddiction.com

Have you ever felt guilty for a tough decision (or many) you've had to make when loving someone struggling with addiction? If so, you're not alone.

But why do these feelings come up after all you've been through? And how can you stop feeling guilty?

Tune in for this week's new episode, where I address these questions and why feeling guilty is actually normal.

Find more here: 

https://loveoveraddiction.com/guilty/

Join us here: https://loveoveraddiction.com

If your loved one suffers from addiction, you've probably spent a lot of energy trying to help them get better. And if you have kids, figuring out how to help them handle their parent's addiction can be tough.

Does this sound familiar? If so, no judgment at all. I was in the same situation when I was married to a good man struggling with addiction. But it's time to take an inventory of where your energy is going.

In today's episode, you'll hear how to put that energy back towards you (and your kids) instead of your loved one’s addiction.

Find more here:
https://loveoveraddiction.com/talking-to-your-kids-about-addiction/ 

Join us here: https://loveoveraddiction.com 

Have you ever wondered whether your loved one's drinking is really 'that bad?' When you love someone who is a high-functioning alcoholic, it can be easy to start doubting yourself and your feelings.

I spoke with a brave woman in our community recently who opened up about going through this. 

Tune in to this new podcast episode where she shares about her high-functioning alcoholic husband, as well as dealing with family members who are unsupportive of the decisions she's making for her future.

Find more here: 

https://loveoveraddiction.com/high-functioning-alcoholic/

Join us here: https://loveoveraddiction.com

When we love someone suffering from addiction, we can take on the role of fixer, solver, and just plain ‘figure-everything-out-and-make-everything-better-er’. Am I right? 

We take on their addiction and with that, we take on lies and mistruths that lead our beliefs. The truth of it is that taking those on is harmful. It’s not beneficial to our healing. 

When we can remove the goggles of their addiction and see the situation truly for what it is, we can let go of these lies and move forward in our own healing. 

Find more here: https://loveoveraddiction.com/3-biggest-lies-while-loving-an-alcoholic-or-substance-abuser/ 

Join the community: https://loveoveraddiction.com/

Connect personally: https://www.instagram.com/love_over_addiction/

The other day I got an email from a loving woman who has been a member of our community for years. She is in love with a man who drinks too much and suffers from addiction.

This is what she wrote me:

I used to read your blogs and they would make me angry.

Not at you, but I kept thinking, "Why won't he change? I give him everything. I pray, I plead, I'm loving him through it.  

But now your emails don't make me upset or angry!

I read them and say, "Oh, I get it! It's not me! I'm okay!

I was talking with my therapist about this and he said, "Tell Michelle that she should write a blog post for women and remind that that if her advice makes them angry or upset, they’ve got work to do."

You do great work and have an amazing blog! Thank you for being open about the reality of addiction and helping so many!

I am going to take the advice of her very wise therapist.

If you have ever read my words and feel defensive or if you feel you’ve tried all the advice and nothing is getting your partner sober and you feel just like my sweet friend who wrote me - you're missing the point.

Getting him sober is not the result we’re going for. It might be a great benefit to the teachings, but it’s not our goal.

I built this community five years ago to help with YOUR transformation. To help you go from feeling never good enough to feeling courageous, strong, and secure.

You can become a woman who is decisive in her decisions, who has confidence in herself and the path God is leading her down. You can step out of your comfort zone and make real life changes that allow you to be the woman God created you to be.

You can get out of the disruptive hold this disease places on your tender heart and bloom into that woman you know deep down inside you really are meant to be.

That’s what our Love Over Addiction program will do. That’s what our Love Over Mistakes program will do. And that’s the entire point of this community.

And if your loved one gets sober as a result of you getting stronger and happier - amazing! But it’s not about him or her. It never was and it never will be.

All the time and money and teamwork that goes into building this community is a gift for you. It’s only for you - not your partner.

It’s your time to be pulled up from under this rock and shine. It’s your turn to feel like the amazing masterpiece that God already thinks you are.

I believe in you and I love you. Really and truly.

If you’re ready, I would love for you to join one of our programs.  They are just 25 dollars a month - the cost of a case of beer. Your healing is worth that much, don't you think?

And addiction happens to really good people. I truly, truly believe that. I always said my ex-husband is one of the most talented human beings I've ever met. He had it all. He was brilliant, kind, funny, charming and good looking. I mean, the guy had it all. And I hear a lot. 

I meet a lot of people struggling with addiction, and they are some of the most talented human beings in the whole wide world. But I also believe that addiction can bring out the worst in the ones we love.

And I'm going to give you an example. When I talk with my ex-husband, I always try to be polite and respectful during our conversation.

Find the full episode and more free resources here: www.loveover.co/podcast/why-its-so-hard-to-love-someone-suffering-from-addiction

Join the Love Over Program here: https://www.loveover.co/love-over

Holidays… when you’re married to someone who drinks too much or suffers from addiction they can be difficult, can’t they?

You’re hoping for the best. You’re praying that they will stay sober so you can have a wonderful, warm, and loving holiday.  

Maybe you’re planning on visiting with family and they don’t have any idea how bad things have gotten at home. Or perhaps you have children and you just want their father to be the loving dad they deserve.

I know exactly how you feel. When I was married to a wonderful man who struggled with this disease, I had really high expectations for the holidays. I decorated the house, cooked delicious food (or sometimes if I was busy, I would purchase some delicious food), and I would invite my family over to celebrate and have fun.

But during all my planning, I was feeling nervous. In the back of my mind I was worried that he wouldn’t stay sober and my big plans to have a lovely and happy holiday would be ruined.

And, the truth is, my reality was far different than the dreamy holiday I had fantasized about. There was drinking and drug use, sometimes even days before the actual holiday.

During Christmas, I would see my father carving the turkey and my husband just sitting on the couch with a beer, completely in his own world and think, “Why aren’t you enjoying this holiday with us? This could be so wonderful if you just put down the drink and engaged with the ones who love you.”

It made no sense.

And that’s a great place for us to begin with this holiday guide: this disease makes no sense.

Tip #1: Stop trying to understand the why.

Your loved one is sick and this disease makes no sense and that’s all you need to understand. The sooner you surrender trying to understand why he or she acts badly, the faster your healing begins.

Think about it: who would choose feeling wasted over feeling the love their family has to offer?  

Who would choose to feel a fake kind of joy that drugs or alcohol make you feel, over the real joy of laughing with your children?

Who would choose mind-numbing drugs over receiving the warm love of a wife?

Someone who is sick. Who is out of control. And who has a disease.

And the more you try to understand the reason they make these sick choices, the more frustrated you will become.

You’re a smart woman. You’re not going to waste your valuable time trying to solve your partner's issues any longer.  You are going to start to put that wasted energy into loving yourself and the wonderful woman God created you to be. Think of all this extra time you will now have as a gift to yourself.  

Tip #2:  Have a game plan if he refuses to leave the house when you have plans to go out.

When you’re planning your holiday and you're wondering: "What do I cook? Who should I invite over? or Where should we go?" I want you to include a plan if your partner starts to drink or use drugs.

In other words, what are you going to do if he or she starts acting up? You might be thinking, "I don’t know what to do, Michelle."

And I don’t want you to worry because I’m going to offer you some really helpful suggestions if your loved one refuses to leave the house and you have plans to go out.

If he or she starts to drink before a holiday party or event you’re excited about attending, here’s your choice:

You can leave the house without him or her and have a good time.

Here’s what you’re not going to do: you’re not going to make the unhealthy choice to cancel your plans if they refuses to go.  

You’re an courageous woman. You CAN go somewhere without your partner. You have good social skills and people enjoy talking with you. You will be surprised how good of a time you will have if you leave him or her at home.  

Think about it: you won’t need to constantly be looking across the room and worrying if your loved one has had another drink. You won’t feel embarrassed about their slurred words or awkward behavior.  

The only person you will be responsible for is you (and maybe your children if they are attending).  

You can do it! I know you can and I promise you’re more capable than you give yourself credit for.  

Even if you have just five minutes of fun - it will be better than wasting the evening staying at home, upset and disappointed that your loved one made bad choices again.

Tip #3: Have a game plan if your partner starts drinking too much when you’re out together.

So let’s say you’re at the holiday party and he or she may or may not have promised not to drink. You’re grateful that you're getting out of the house and you don’t want to nag or start an argument, so you mention how worried you are that he or she will act up.

And then, you see your partner start to drink. Your throat starts to tighten and you feel like you’ve been punched in the gut. You’re devastated.

But here’s the great news: you don’t need to lose hope. You’re not powerless over this disease. You can take a deep breath and remember that you’re a strong, capable woman. This is just one evening and you can handle it.

You have two choices:

1. Leave the party without him. Call a cab, Uber, or ask a friend to drive you home.
2. Say nothing to him when you're out and make a promise to yourself that next time you will not agree to attend an event with him or her if they are drinking. One warning: if you chose this option to stay out with him or her and say nothing, make sure you get the car keys. Do NOT get in the car with your partner if he or she has been drinking. You could be putting yourself at risk to be a part of a serious accident. If he or she refuses to give you the keys, take option one and call Uber or a friend.
   

I am here to tell you, my sweet wonderful friend - you’re not alone.

There are thousands of us out there dealing with the exact same issue and you don’t need to stay feeling stuck.

By exercising these choices, you’re choosing to do something about this disease. You’re not just letting it happen to you. You’re providing your loved one with consequences and you’re growing into the courageous, loving woman you were made to be.  

It might seem scary or uncomfortable, but real change never happens when we are repeating old behaviors. I promise you can do it. Have faith in yourself and believe that God made you with so much more courage than you even realize. The Bible tells us ten times to be strong and courageous. God wouldn’t ask you to do something he didn’t equip you for.

You’ve got this. I am right here for you and you’re not alone.

If you’re ever looking for support on this journey, check out the three programs we offer. They are all work-at-your-own-pace and you’ll have lifetime access, so you’re able to take as long as you need. I know these changes take time. I’m here to support you and cheer you on.

My family and I are thinking of moving to Nashville. This really isn’t something we all want to do, but it’s a move that we are feeling called to do. There are a millions reasons why moving to this beautiful town makes sense. We could go from five schools to two. We would have way more options for a thriving church. Even the cost of living would go down. There are so many benefits.

But here’s the truth: we don’t want to move.

And the more I feel that God is calling us to pick up our lives and leave, the more I am trying to figure out the "why" behind it.

Why am I resisting change even when I know it’s good for me?

There are three reasons that come to mind when I stop and slow down to take personal inventory:

I am scared of the unknown. I don’t have the neighborhood picked out, so it’s difficult for me to imagine our new home. And what about our friendships? The introvert in me cringes at the idea of having to open up to new people. 

I am comfortable where I’m at. I remodeled my home and it’s full of memories. The other day I was walking the dog through the neighborhood and enjoying the palm trees, the beach, and the birds. Chances are, if we move, it will be painful. There will be tears - for me and my kids. It’s going to be difficult and guaranteed to not be easy. Even though I know the location where we are is not the best life for us - it’s what I’m familiar with and that means it's comfortable.

I don’t want to take a chance on something new. I get things wrong all the time. What if this move is the wrong move? What if we go there and are miserable? What if this calling I’m feeling is bad judgment on my part? I would have made a terrible mistake. And my family would have to suffer.

And as I was thinking through my personal dilemma, I thought of you (because I am always thinking of you).

There is one thing I know for sure: where I am now doesn’t feel right. It may feel convenient and it may be familiar, but it’s not my best. And I have a feeling that the whisper I hear about moving is God offering us the best.

Sometimes, the hardest things we need to do are necessary, even when we don’t understand what we’ll get when we do them.

I can’t imagine my happy life in another town today. But I know that staying where I am is not the long-term answer.  

It’s so much harder to make changes and move forward when you can’t guarantee the outcome. That’s why we stay stuck in our situations.

So just for today, we are taking it one step at a time. I’m not putting the house up for sale just yet (no need to get dramatic). I will just keep doing the next best choice. We went to visit and took the kids. Next, we toured schools. Now, we’ve applied and are waiting. One small step at a time.

I could easily work myself up by thinking of the next ten things that may or may not happen. But when I go to that place and start to feel anxious and panicky, I shut it down. No need to waste energy on things I can’t control. And, as I learned during my divorce, answers will appear at the perfect moment. I just need to focus on completing the next task in front of me.

Moving forward requires taking chances and trying new things. It may not mean that we physically move. It might require us to say, “No, thank you,” or to say, “Enough - no more,” or, “Yes, please."

Here’s the bottom line: if we’re not happy with areas in our lives, we cannot expect change until we’re willing to get uncomfortable.

What do you feel you’re being called to do that you’ve been putting off? Have you been like me: too afraid of change, so you’re settling and making the best out of what’s less-than-best?

Are you comfortable in your suffering? Has being married to a good person who drinks too much or is addicted to drugs become your excuse for not fighting for your future?  

Are you waiting for your partner to get sober so your life can get better?  

There is no judgment here. We are sisters and we are in this together, no matter what stage we’re in.

If you’re ready to commit to your healing – join one of our programs and let’s get started. They are full of REAL tips (and not a lot of fluff) that you can start using immediately.

A few weeks ago we discussed intimacy while loving an alcoholic or substance abuser and I covered what to do if you would rather not be intimate with the one you love. This week I’m going to go into a little more detail because of all the questions I’m receiving.

You’re going to learn if alcohol or drugs can kill their sex drive - and lead to ED (erectile dysfunction - blush), what to do if they’re blaming you for the lack of intimacy in your relationship and how to stop accepting responsibility when he isn’t interested or can’t perform.

So take a deep breath, make sure there are no kiddos around and let’s talk about this very REAL problem (because we do real here - without any judgment of course).

First off, let’s start with the fact that excessive drinking CAN cause a sexual dysfunction* called testicular atrophy by lowering testosterone production.  And the less testosterone, the less interested in sex you become.

So if he’s acting like your roommate while all your girlfriends are complaining their husbands want to have sex all the time - you can thank the alcohol for disrupting his hormone distribution and liver function.

No need to compare yourself to your girlfriends. You are just as beautiful, fun and loving as they are. They are just not married to a man with this disease.

It’s also very common for men to have erectile dysfunction who binge drink (ahhh.. hellooo??). Do you want to know why? I will make this very brief and not too scientific-y (is that a word?).

Alcohol can prevent blood vessels in the penis from closing so it cannot remain erect (I promise that’s the last time I use the words penis and erect).

So if they blame you for not being attractive enough (this disease is so nasty sometimes, right?) you now know they’re doing this to cover up the fact that they CAN'T have sex with you because of their drinking. 

But most alcoholics and drug users refuse to take responsibility for their actions so of course they’re NOT going to say, “Sorry, honey. If I just get sober once and for all we would be able to make love again.” 

Instead, they will find ways to blame you or whatever else they can think of. Don’t fall for it.  You’re a smart woman.  You now understand - this has NOTHING to do with you.  It’s just science.

Here’s the loving truth: because we love a good person suffering from addiction, we just don’t have the luxury of a “normal” relationship.

Addiction is sneaky, and will do whatever it has to do to thrive, including hurting us, the ones that are closest and care the most.

Here’s the thing though: we’re not powerless. We’re not martyrs. We’re not victims of this very hard situation. We’re not. I refuse to believe that for one second.

Today you’ll find power, you’ll find the knowledge and tools that you need to know when you can trust, and when you shouldn’t. And you’ll learn other things to look out for.

Find more details here:https://loveoveraddiction.com/when-passive-aggression-is-really-covert-aggression/

Find your community, answers, stories, and more here: https://loveoveraddiction.com/

And lastly, connect on IG for fun. Get a glimpse behind the scenes of LOA + Michelle’s personal life: https://www.instagram.com/love_over_addiction/

When we love someone suffering from addiction, it can be hard to let go of the blame. This becomes especially true if you’re a parent with a child who’s suffering from addiction. 

And it’s not your fault. Nothing you did, didn’t do, said, or didn’t say has caused their addiction. Sometimes it can be really hard to actually believe that. 

And let’s be honest: your loved one may even tell you it’s your fault. And that’s hard to get over. 

So today we’re exploring more reasons it’s not your fault. There’s proof it’s not your fault, and this can be helpful for some to actually believe it’s truly not their fault. 

If you’re struggling with taking the blame, and thinking it’s all your fault, listen to this episode, and last week’s too. 

Find more here: https://loveoveraddiction.com/why-they-might-suffer-from-addiction/

It's not your fault: https://loveoveraddiction.com/not-your-fault/

For parents: https://loveoveraddiction.com/parents/

For wives and partners: https://loveoveraddiction.com/loa/

Last week we talked about covert aggression when you love someone suffering from addiction. So if you missed that episode, please go back and have a listen.

This week we’re building on that - so what are tactics our loved ones might use when they’re being covertly aggressive?

Let me ask you this: Does your partner ever play dumb? Forget things that have happened? Dispute fine details? Act oblivious? All of the above?

Sing it sister. Because I hear you. I totally understand. My ex-husband used to do the same crap. And many women in our community experience it as well.

And let me be clear: this is a tactic used by your partner and their addiction.

It makes us feel crazy. So how do we navigate? How do we deal? Are we supposed to sit back and let it slide?

Find the answers you’re looking for today: https://loveoveraddiction.com/how-to-react-when-theyre-playing-innocent/

Get a glimpse behind the scenes of LOA + Michelle’s personal life: https://www.instagram.com/love_over_addiction/

Find out more about the Love Over Addiction movement here: https://loveoveraddiction.com/

When I was married to a good man suffering from this disease, I went to the bookstore on a regular basis looking for books about how to help my husband get sober. What I found was tons of stories and memoirs about brave men and women who have struggled with addiction and found a way to get sober.

But there were no stories about the women who loved them.

So late one night when I was in the bookstore, I made a promise to God that if I ever found the answers, I would spend the rest of my life teaching other women.  

And that’s exactly what I have been doing for over six years.  

My three online, do-at-your-own-pace programs are designed just for wives, girlfriends, and mothers who love someone who suffers from alcoholism or substance abuse.

Today we are going to talk about something a little bit different: rehabilitation.

I get asked questions like, "Does rehab really work?" and "What makes a good rehab?" all the time.

But before I tell you the top ten things you need to know about rehab, I want to share my experience with getting my ex-husband into a rehabilitation program.

I go more into detail about it in the Love Over Mistakes program, but I'll keep this story short.

Several years ago, at one of my many trips to the bookstore, I came across a book written by a man who started his own fancy rehab center based on extensive research. His approach was dramatically different than most 12-step rehabs, and there was something very persuasive about his writing. The more I read his book, the more I was convinced that I needed to get my husband to Malibu so he could experience the breakthrough this author was promising.

I spent days dreaming of what it would be like to have him sober for good. How he would be the loving, supportive husband I always knew he could be. My children would finally get the engaged dad who was sober and loving all the time. Our vacations and holidays would not be centered around his next drink.

But there was an issue: this rehab cost $60,000. We were in our twenties at the time and coming up with that kind of money seemed impossible because we lived paycheck to paycheck.

I called our health insurance agency, and they told me they would pay for some of it. Then I called our family and my father kindly offered to take out a second mortgage on his apartment. I drained our bank account, plus his family agreed to pay a portion as well.

After a month of planning, the money was there. Now it was time to fill him in. I planned on hosting an intervention, but (since God had a better idea) the night before our intervention was going to take place, he overdosed on drugs.

I’m not sure what kind of drugs he took, but he came into my bedroom and was talking really fast and acting crazy. I’ve never seen anything like it. He had always done his drugs away from the house. It scared me to the core. I was watching a stranger in my bedroom who had absolutely no resemblance to the man I married.

I prayed that the kids would stay asleep so they would not witness his paranoid behavior and hours later he settled down.  

I told him that we had planned for him to leave, take a month off of work, and attend a rehab. That everything had been taken care of for him.

I didn’t know how he would react and I was prepared for the worst. But then he looked at me and said he was tired of living like this. He agreed to go just four hours before his scheduled flight to the rehab center.

Like I said, I go more into what happened in the next month in the Love Over Mistakes program. But for now, I want to share with you the top ten tips that you will find helpful when considering rehabs. I wish I had these tips all those years ago.

He will NOT lose his job if he goes to rehab.

The Americans with Disabilities Act and the Family Medical Leave Act guarantee that addicts and alcoholics who wish to undergo treatment for substance abuse will be given the time they need to do so by their employers and that their jobs will be saved for them while they are away. These laws do not guarantee a paycheck while they are gone. Some employers will pay a certain percentage of their paycheck, some will not.

Rehab success rates can be misleading.

According to the National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse, the rehab community claims a 30% success rate, but they only count people who complete the programs. 70-80% have dropped out within 3-6 months. I am not sharing these numbers to discourage you or put down the rehab industry. But if you're thinking, like I did, that just getting them to rehab will be the solution, you might need to adjust your expectations.

12-step programs are usually part of the aftercare suggestions.

Eventually, your partner will be encouraged by the rehab to attend a 12-step aftercare program. If he or she attended rehab and graduated, but doesn’t feel comfortable attending 12-step, higher-power programs on a consistent basis, they don't have a lot of other choices for aftercare treatment other than therapy.

Many rehabs don’t follow up with alumni.

Once you graduate from the program, you’re pretty much on your own. Of the rehabs that I know of, most do a decent job of trying to suggest ways to manage your aftercare. But when you walk out those doors, it’s up to your loved one to work their own recovery.

Look for a rehab that practices EBT.

EBT stands for Evidence-Based Treatment. 12-step programs have saved many lives, but studies have shown that we need to also include a medical model for treatment. A medical model includes an assessment from a psychologist or psychiatrist who is trained in addiction medicine, an intervention, therapy, psychopharmacology (a fancy word that means medication), and an inpatient program or outpatient program that offers quality care. You can go to the American Society of Addiction Medicine for a directory.

Rehab is expensive.

Even non-profit rehabs usually cost over $20,000 for 30 days.

Recovery information you read on the internet is often published by a rehab, not a research-based institute.

If you’re on a website reading about addiction and they have a 1-800 number or any ads for a rehab, chances are, the website is published by a rehab. I’m not saying there isn’t good information out there on the internet to read about addiction but know the source. Sometimes what looks like well-written articles are just marketing websites.

They might tell you relapse is part of his recovery.

According to the National Institute on Drug Abuse, a government-funded program, relapse in addiction resembles relapse in other chronic diseases. You may have heard people compare the disease of addiction to diabetes. Well, if you're a type-1 diabetic and you’re getting successful treatment, you have a  30-50% chance of relapse. If you suffer from addiction you have a 40-60% chance of relapse. If you suffer from asthma, your chances of relapse are even greater at 50-70%. Just because they attend rehab, doesn't mean there isn't a good chance they will relapse just like any other chronic disease. When that happens, we don’t need to think of it as a failure. Rather, a treatment needs to be reinstated or readjusted or another treatment needs to be introduced.

You need to recover too.

You have been hurt, damaged, and lied to by this disease. Getting your loved one help is good. But if he or she refuses or agrees, you need to find support and answers too. If you’re anything like me, when my ex-husband went to rehab, I was left feeling lonely, angry, and worried. I needed to work my own program and get educated on what I needed to do when he came back. If you’re interested and you want to learn about our online, do-at-your-own-pace programs, you can click here.

If they don’t want help, you won't be able to change their heart.

I know that’s hard to hear, but if you really want them to get sober, they have to want it too. However, you don’t need to wait for them to get sober for you to start to feel better. You can take control of your decisions and reactions and your recovery.

I believe in you. You’re not powerless over this disease. You don’t need to wait for them to get sober to start to feel better. We are in this together.  

P.S. I hope you will join me in one of our programs. You have lifetime access, they are private and confidential, and, remember - you need recovery if he gets sober or not.

Maybe you don't have any proof (yet), but your intuition is kicking in and something feels "off" with your loved one suffering from addiction. Does this sound familiar? So how do you approach a tough conversation?

In this week's episode, I'll talk about how to communicate with your partner in these situations and what to actually say to them. I also share a very personal story that I haven't yet told when my ex-husband tested positive for drugs. 

Remember, this is your greatest opportunity to learn some hard and difficult lessons. Keep learning, keep trying, and give yourself lots of grace. You're doing a great job.

Find more here: 

http://loveoveraddiction.com/my-husband-tested-positive/ 

Join us here: https://loveoveraddiction.com

There is a new movement going on about addiction - men and women who are in recovery are speaking out about their addiction. They are trying to break the stigma that addiction is a shameful disease and something we need to keep a secret. And I am so amazingly proud of all the ones who are brave enough to publicly declare their victory (or journey to victory) over addiction.

There are so many benefits to claiming your struggles and sharing with the world how you got better and found help.

But I am still worried. Because the ones that love them are still suffering in the backgrounds. We are in the shadows quietly waiting for our loved ones to recover. We're hoping with every ounce of our being that one day all this pain, rejection, and suffering will bring us closer together with the ones we love. We want a happy ending just as much (and sometimes more than) the ones who are addicted.

So where is our moment of public victory?

Is it really our victory to claim? They are the ones who are not choosing to drink or use drugs anymore - how can we take any credit for that? And what about if they have no victory to claim? Will we always just be struggling in the shadows? Afraid to tell anyone what’s going on in our family?

For how long will we keep smiling when we feel like crying? How long will we act like we’re okay because they were sober two days this week?  

It’s a tough place to be. We can’t control their sobriety, but we don’t feel it’s our place to share with others since it might shame them.

But here’s my truth (and you can decide for yourself): I know, for sure, that addiction thrives on secrecy.

If kept a secret, it always remains in control. And the ability for outside influences to help are very small.

If we keep this disease a secret, addiction wins.

The other fact that I feel comfortable claiming is that this disease is a family disease. It’s happening to us just as much as it’s happening to them. When they are trying to hang on for one more day, we can’t stop worrying while waiting to see if they'll succeed.

We usually structure our lives around their addiction. Can’t go to that sports game because there will be beer there. He really doesn’t want to go to the movies at night since they won’t be serving alcohol, so we stay in a watch a movie. We are hoping the local bar closes down for business or the drug dealer gets put in jail. It feels like a full-time job to manage our lives around their addiction.

So with all the effort, the struggle, and the pain, why isn’t this our disease to share?

We’re in it too. And we need to stop being so darn worried about what other people will think of our marriages and share what’s really going on in our homes. It would be amazing if we all did this. How many women you know right now who will come forward and go, “I know exactly how you feel.”  

And then think if all of us shared that we love someone who is struggling. Think of how powerless this disease would get. It would be destroyed because we would all be willing to share our stories, learn from one another, and grow together. We would share its secrets and its evil ways. If we dragged addiction out from the evil darkness and into the light - I am convinced together we would be stronger, wiser, and more courageous and we would beat addiction.

We can hold hands, form a circle, and teach each other by sharing, supporting, and offering suggestions. We can return to our homes armored and ready. Or we can leave if we need to or we can stay if we choose to. We will have freedom.

So, my wonderful and loving friends -

I know that sharing that your loved one is fighting for their life with addiction sounds terrifying. But today, just think of at least two people you know who you can share this with. And when you share, remember - you’re not looking for approval. You’re just serving others by letting them know things are not so perfect. And you're serving yourself by giving yourself permission to no longer accept that shame is something you need to own. This disease is not your fault.

Looking for more support during this time where you’re going from holding this deep, dark secret to beginning to share it with others? Head over to MichelleLisaAnderson.com to learn more about the work-at-your-own-pace programs that I offer for women just like you.

When you love someone suffering from addiction, we tend to take on certain roles in the relationship. We want to help our partners get sober, and sometimes we find ourselves grasping at straws in order to make it work. 

There’s never any judgment here. We understand what you’re going through and know that you only want to help. 

We’re here today to offer you tips and tools to navigate your relationship. Today’s a good day to be honest with yourself about what’s really going on: inside of you, with your partner, and in the relationship.

Make space for yourself to explore, grow, and learn. Be open to what comes. We’re here for you. You’re not alone. You can do it! 

Read more here: https://loveoveraddiction.com/relationship-roles

Join the community: https://loveoveraddiction.com/

Super Bowl is a huge drinking and partying weekend. Everyone seems to have an excuse to drink or smoke, or whatever a little extra with the celebratory (or defeatist) vibes in the air on this particular weekend.  

All the snacks are out, the TV is on, and the drinks are flowing. How do we handle situations like this when our loved one loves to drink a little too much? We talk serious questions and advice about the parties, what to do if they start drinking, and how to handle it when your children are involved.

We can be prepared together. We’re a sisterhood, and we’re ready to support you every step of the way in this judgment-free zone. We do have it harder than most women. That’s certainly not your fault. You’ve found the right place for answers and support. Welcome.

Get the episode notes here: https://loveoveraddiction.com/super-bowl-game-day/

Find a free guide here: https://loveoveraddiction.com/124/

And to discover more free tips, online programs, and other offerings, join us here: https://loveoveraddiction.com/ 

For many of us, codependency is something we've dealt with for a long time. But have you ever wondered how you came to be that way? Or how to break the cycle of codependency, particularly with your loved one who struggles with addiction?

This is something I discussed recently with a strong woman in our community.

Tune in for this new podcast interview to hear how she's made her boundaries work for her and how she's committed to breaking the cycle of codependency for her daughters.

Find more here: 

https://loveoveraddiction.com/cycle-of-codependency

Join us here: https://loveoveraddiction.com

In this community, we believe in being honest. So let’s say it: loving someone suffering from addiction is hard.

Your life may feel completely chaotic and out of control at times, but other times, you get a glimpse of your dreams when your partner is sober. It may feel like a crazy roller coaster ride.

Think about this: addiction came into your life for a reason. You chose your partner for a reason. Loving someone with addiction can be our greatest opportunity to grow and become the women we’re destined to be.

You can read more details here: https://loveoveraddiction.com/addiction-can-be-your-greatest-opportunity/

And find your community, free resources, and more here: https://loveoveraddiction.com/

There’s a popular expression that says there are two sides to every story. The reason it’s popular is because it’s true. Usually, during conflict in a marriage, there is responsibility that needs to be owned by both husband and wife.

And as some of you know, I was once married to a good man who suffers with addiction and alcoholism. I’m now remarried and have six beautiful children.

I wondered if that statement above was true with addiction. Do I have any responsibility for my partner's drinking or drug use? Is it really my fault he makes hurtful choices? Should I carry this guilt around that weighs a ton? When he cuts me with his words, did I do something to deserve it?

After a deep and long search of my heart, I decided to give back the responsibility of his life to him. That’s exactly where it belongs. I refused to own someone else’s choices.

But my healing doesn’t end there.

I went deeper… because not owning my ex-husband's addiction wasn’t enough. I knew I had responsibility for my own choices. The yelling, the blaming, the threatening to leave but always returning.

Why was I so afraid to leave?

Do you want to know? There were four very ugly reasons I continued to put up with his verbal abuse, lies, and constant rejection.

And before I tell you, I have to say I do feel a little vulnerable. They are not pretty reasons. Owning them shows off my darker side. So, I’m holding on to hope that you, sweet reader, will remember that we don’t do judgment in our community. Or if you do judge me, don’t tell me about it. :)

Now, I want to tell you one more thing before I get into the reasons why I stayed for over ten years in a very destructive marriage filled with addiction.

The main reason I stayed was because I loved him.

I really loved him. And I loved his potential. And even though I left, I still do believe in his potential.

When I took self-inventory why I was continuing to tolerate his behavior in my life, I identified my top four reasons:

I was scared to upset anyone and say no.

I wanted to please everyone. I was scared of upsetting my in-laws, my parents, my friends, my children’s teachers, and my children. I was considerate of everyone’s feelings about my future but my own.

His sickness made me feel important and needed.

I felt wanted when he needed help. It felt good when he apologized. It gave me a sense of purpose to run in and try to save the day. To be the rescuer.

Most of the time I could always compare myself to him and feel superior.

It was so much easier to get on my high horse and guilt him, blame him, or lecture him about his actions and choices. Never mind the fact that I was blaming, lecturing, or yelling. I didn’t have to look at my poor choices because his were so much worse.

Lastly, it was very convenient to be in love with someone with a disease so the blame and focus were always on him.

...and never on my issues. Hiding behind this disease can be a convenient place to live. All the blame for our bad habits, our unhappiness, and our problems become about our partner's addiction or drinking. And I’m not saying that it isn’t a reason to be unhappy. I promise.

Oh, my goodness, it is so hard loving someone who has a problem with drugs or alcohol.  But...

We need to take a look at the baggage we brought into this relationship.

Not very pretty, right?  But telling the truth can set you free.

If you’re ready to make your healing as important as your partner’s sobriety – we are waiting for you. Our programs are online, confidential, and you have lifetime access – so you can do them at your own pace.

If you love someone who drinks too much or suffers from addiction you’ll learn three reasons why we can’t just break away when we know we should entertain the idea of leaving because the reality of today outweighs the hope for our future.

If you’re doing your part. If you’re showing up and have been committed to the work but it feels like all our efforts of helping them get sober bring inconsistent rewards.  If you’re trying to detach and trying to set boundaries, but it’s just not working…. Then listen to this week's podcast: https://loveoveraddiction.com/112/ or visit us for more FREE helpful tips at LoveOverAddiction.com.

Growing up, weren’t we all taught that when we feel guilty about something, that’s our conscience telling us we’ve done something ‘wrong’? 

I know I was. So when I was married to a good man suffering from addiction, dealing with feelings of guilt was hard, because I assumed I was in the wrong. 

Here’s the thing though: addiction doesn’t play by the rules. All those ‘helpful’ tips and tools out there don’t apply to us, and our relationships, because we love someone suffering from addiction. 

Addiction breaks rules, lies, manipulates, and is aggressive. 

Well, I have a different idea: feeling guilty can actually be a good sign that you’re doing the right thing, and that you’re on the right path. Don’t worry, I’ll explain everything in today’s episode.  

Find more here: https://loveoveraddiction.com/feeling-guilty-is-a-sign/

Join your community: https://loveoveraddiction.com

Connect personally: https://www.instagram.com/love_over_addiction/

That's something a strong woman in our community spoke about recently (and how she tried to compromise with her husband multiple times).

Tune in for this new podcast episode to hear how she finally decided to move forward and is protecting her children, as well as reconnecting with herself.

Find more here: 

https://loveoveraddiction.com/he-wont-stop-drinking/ 

Join us here: https://loveoveraddiction.com

The drama and stress from loving someone suffering from addiction are enough to make you feel like you’re going insane. There are days where you want to curl up into a ball forever. Addiction can make you feel like you’re suffocating and your feelings and thoughts don’t matter.

The women in this community, your sisters... we understand exactly what you’re feeling.

Listen to the podcast to find helpful tips and to know that you’re not alone: https://loveoveraddiction.com/111/. For more free tools head over to our blog at LoveOverAddiction.com We are here for you! Always.

Valentine’s Day is right around the corner. When you have a partner that suffers from addiction, you may be left feeling alone and neglected on this day that’s supposed to be all about love.

We have a loving suggestion for you: Be your own Valentine. Prepare for the day, dress up, exercise, plant flowers, whatever is “your thing”, girl do your thang.

Today on the podcast we hear from our Love Over Addiction Sisters as they share their own self-care tips to prepare for this day all about love.

These sisters are strong, and they know what it’s like to be with a person that is addicted to alcohol, illegal drugs, prescription pills, gambling, pornography, or sex, among other things. They know what Valentine’s Day can feel like and they’re getting prepared.

These women have fallen in love with themselves, for the first time, or all over again. I adore them. Even when it’s uncomfortable, not “fun”, or just downright hard, they persist. You persist. We’re strong together.

Hear their voices, ideas, and hopefully you’ll walk away with some new insights yourself: https://loveoveraddiction.com/valentines-day-with-loa-sisters/

To learn more about the Love Over Addiction movement, see our free offerings, online programs, and more, go to https://loveoveraddiction.com/. 

When our loved one who's suffering from addiction treats us poorly by drinking after they promised not to, or using drugs when they JUST said this time they were getting sober for good, it can make us want to lash out, get defensive, or become unglued.

It’s true! No one wants to admit that women can get angry, but this disease makes us feel that way. Anger is part of the package—let’s just be real.

So how do we respond in a way that best serves us?

Today on LoveOverAddiction.com, I’m sharing my tips for communicating without saying a word.

Read our blog here: https://www.loveoveraddiction.com/how-to-express-your-feelings-without-arguing

If you want to learn more about the Love Over Addiction program, visit us at http://theloveoverway.com/programs/love-over-addiction/. 

There are many blessings of loving someone who struggles with addiction. Yes, you read that correctly.

I know it feels dark and hopeless sometimes. But addiction can be a gateway: an opportunity to grow into the women we are meant to be.

Hear from 18 women in our community and how addiction has been a blessing in their lives. These women know exactly what you're going through. They understand, and we do too. 

Every woman that loves someone suffering from addiction is looking for hope. We want our loved ones to change, and we’re doing anything and everything we can to get them sober.

We are in a relationship with our loved one for our own reasons, and we never intended to leave the relationship or marriage.

I remember when I was married to a good man suffering from addiction, I tried everything to make it work. You name it, I probably tried it.

Is it possible to live a life with your partner, staying in your own lane, and living in your own happiness whether they get sober or not?

For some, that is possible. Let me lovingly remind you that we never do judgment. You reserve the right to change your mind at any time, for any reason. Let me also say that staying is not for everyone.

Today on the podcast I talk with Dana. We’ve been friends for 20 years, and she’s married to a good man that drinks too much and suffers from addiction. We met in college, and she has chosen to stay (for now), and she lives a happy life. Listen to her story today.

Find show notes and more here: https://loveoveraddiction.com/staying-suffering-from-alcoholism/

If you’d like a free guidesheet on how to communicate your boundaries, we have that for you here: https://loveoveraddiction.com/boundaries132/

And if you’re ready to join our online programs and take your healing to the next level, you can find out more here: https://loveoveraddiction.com/courses/

Have you experienced red flags in your relationship with your loved one that almost caused you to make a huge decision to either stay or leave?

That's exactly what happened to a woman I spoke with recently in our community. Not only did she almost call off her wedding, but she shares what her 'rock bottom' was in her relationship, as well as some vulnerable moments that you may be able to relate to.

Tune in to this new podcast episode to hear how this strong and confident woman is coming out stronger than ever because of the work she's doing on her own healing.

Find more here: 

https://loveoveraddiction.com/almost-called-off-wedding/ 

Join us here: https://loveoveraddiction.com

Are you scared of leaving the one you love? Have you thought about it, but the idea almost paralyzes you with fear, so you immediately stop thinking about it?

There's just no possible way that you will ever leave.

What if you're one of the members of our community who is in the middle of leaving, you're planning your separation or your divorce, or maybe you’ve already filed for divorce, and you're in the process of working out the details?

When I chose to leave my husband who suffers from addiction and substance use disorder, I was absolutely terrified. I go a lot more into detail about that in the Love Over Addiction program.

But I don’t think there is any one of us in our community who has left and said, “Oh, no, it was a piece of cake. I wasn't scared at all.”

Leaving the ones we love draws out courage.

All of us are filled with enough courage to make the huge changes that we need to make in our lives.

It’s just a matter of whether or not we are ready to step out in faith and call upon that courage that is living deep within us.

And I did. I chose to trust that somehow, someway I would figure it out as I went along. I didn't have the entire plan mapped out in front of me, but I had enough of a plan to know that I had an option to leave.

One of the things I did not figure out or have covered was money. I was a stay-at-home mom; I had not worked for seven years.

When I was working, I was doing very well. I was very successful and got promoted very quickly, but as soon as I had kids, I realized that I wanted to be a stay-at-home mom with them.

I left my career and enjoyed staying home for a period of time. And the idea of going back to work at that point in my life did not sound appealing. Not because I was lazy, not because I didn't have ambition or dreams.

I wanted to be there for my kids since they were already used to it, and I thought the transition was going to be very rocky. Also, I did not want to put them in daycare.

I knew that I needed to go, but I didn't know if I would have the finances to be able to continue as a stay-at-home mom.

When I was preparing for the divorce, I had a therapist whom I loved named Carol. She was kind of my lifeline.

And there were certain times during the divorce when I would be in her office three times a week because trying to leave somebody who does not want to be left is incredibly difficult.

So I relied on her strength often. I would walk into her office feeling very beaten down, feeling very discouraged, and I would hear her encouragement. It was everything that I needed to leave her office ready to face the challenges waiting for me outside of that door.

And that is what I try to be to you: your Carol. I try to fill you up and remind you how wonderful, beautiful, and strong you are. I try to help remind you that you are completely equipped to take on this disease. You are not a victim, and you are not powerless.

So one of these afternoons I walked into Carol’s office, and we were at the point in the divorce where we were discussing money.

There are basically two main topics when you get divorced. If you have children, you deal with the children. That's one big topic.

The other topic is money. And I’m going to make a generalized statement. I understand there are exceptions to the rules, but from what I have found and research has told me, most men care only about the money. That’s their hot button. They want to give you as little as possible because addiction is expensive.

Addiction needs money in order to survive.

I was going into Carol’s office, and we were at the point where the visitation with the children had been agreed upon but was waiting to be finalized until the money situation was worked out.

So I remember driving up to her lodge, walking in the door, and thinking, “I'm going to have to share with her that my husband does not want to pay me what I think he should.”

I remember sitting on her comfy couch, and she was looking at me and listening without judgment because she was wonderful like that.

And as soon as I was done,  she told me about a story when she got divorced and how she made the mistake of settling for pennies because she just wanted the divorce done and over with.

I remember thinking, “Yeah, that’s exactly how I feel. I’ll give away almost anything just get me out of this situation because I don’t want any more conflict. I feel guilty that I’m the one who’s choosing to leave, so I should give him everything that he asked for.” This is what I told her and what I told myself.

I thought because she had done that, she would understand why I wanted to do that, and she would tell me it was okay and I was right. And because this was such a difficult, toxic time in my life, I should take whatever he’s willing to give me and run.

Instead, she told me exactly what I did not want to hear.

Carol told me that I deserved more, and my kids deserved more.

If I settled for less, I would regret it, and this was part of my growth.

I needed to learn to ask for what I needed and deserved.

I was so scared. And I went through all the reasons why and how she could be wrong or why my situation was different from hers.

On my way down the mountain from Carol’s office and back to reality, my ex-husband called and said, “How much are you going to ask for? How much are you thinking you're going to get? Because I’m not willing to pay you more than this. And don’t even think you can get away with that because it’s not happening.”

I hadn’t come to the conclusion. I was still in the processing phase. And I was still trying to work through this and come out with a solid answer that felt right to me.

So what do we do when we’re confronted with something that makes us feel uncomfortable, that we’re not ready to handle, that we need some more space and time to think about?

We create a boundary, and we create distance.

So I told him that I needed some time to think about it. I heard what he was saying, I understood where he was coming from, and I was not prepared to have this conversation yet. I was very dignified, I was very polite about it, and I hung up the phone because I didn't have to talk about it right then and there.

Why did I think that I was on his time schedule? I wasn't, and I had to create my own time schedule. I didn’t have to let him boss me around, bully me, or push me into making a verbal commitment that I wasn't ready to make.

So if you're going through your divorce process and you still haven’t come to some conclusions about the outcome or what you're comfortable with, take your time.

Do not be bullied or pressured.

You do not need to answer the phone.

Out of habit, I think we answer immediately or respond to a text message or an email because we’re trying to be polite, and we’re thoughtful people. But we reserve the right to take a timeout. Don't respond. Give yourself some space.

As I was driving back down the mountain from my appointment with Carol I said, “I just need a time out.” And I took one. I took weeks to figure out what I was comfortable with.

And here’s another thing: I went to my lawyer, and I said, “I think I’m going to ask for child support.”

I had a spreadsheet with all of our bills and all the kids’ expenses. It was all mapped out. They ask you to do that when you’re getting a separation and a divorce.

But even if you’re not ready to leave, it’s still something good to have.

So I had this spreadsheet, and I had a number in mind. My lawyer looked at me, and he’s like, “No. That is way too little. You're going to last a month or two. There's no way you can feed your kids on that amount, so let's come up with another number.”

At that point, I was ready to trust an expert who had my best interest in mind. This lawyer worked with thousands of women in the same situation, and he knew better than I did, so I trusted him.

Did I feel good about the number he gave? No, I didn't. I felt scared to death. I thought, “Who the heck am I to ask for that? I've been a stay-at-home mom. What kind of real contributions have I made?” That was my sick thinking.

I am now straightened out, and I understand that I made a ton of contributions.

I was worth every single penny and so were my children.

But at the time, you're sick, and you have that addiction voice in your head that's trying to convince you that you are less than.

At that point in my life, the addiction voice in my head was still pretty strong. That was the dominant voice speaking to me. But I decided not to trust the voice. I decided to trust the man sitting across from me—the expert.

Part of this whole deal of loving and leaving somebody with addiction is asking for what you need, not taking the easy way out. I’m not guaranteeing that you're going to get it, but you have to understand that you are deserving, and you have to stand up for yourself.

This is part of your growth.

This is a tool that I promise you will use over and over and over again in many more relationships and circumstances.

If you have children, it’s a tool that your children need to learn. You need to model for them what strength looks like. Ignore the addiction voice in your head that is belittling you. Trust the experts around you.

If you are looking for more helpful tips, join one of our programs. We are ready to encourage you, to embrace you, to love on you, and to become the sisterhood you need in your life.

Sex and intimacy are usually an important part of a relationship, right? But when your partner suffers from addiction, those things can sometimes be complicated.

In this week's episode, I talk about sex (yep, we're going there) and the challenges you may be facing with your loved one and their addiction. We also discuss being true to yourself and the importance of setting boundaries with sex and intimacy.

Remember, part of getting yourself healthy is figuring out who to trust with your vulnerability. You deserve to be loved and cherished.

Find more here: 

https://loveoveraddiction.com/sex/

Join us here: https://loveoveraddiction.com

If you're codependent, you may find yourself concentrating on your loved one's addiction (sometimes more than they are). Or relying on them to validate your feelings and help you feel better. And look, no judgment at all. 

But you may be surprised to learn how some of your own hurt, pain, and struggles are similar to what your partner experiences with their addiction.

In this week's episode, I discuss the traits you might have in common with your partner and how it relates to each person's recovery.

Just a loving reminder: you can get better and move forward with your growth regardless of whether they choose to get healthy. Your loved one's sobriety has nothing to do with your happiness.

Find more here: 

https://loveoveraddiction.com/codependent-common-traits/

Join us here: https://loveoveraddiction.com

Have you gone back and forth (maybe many times) on whether you should stay or leave your relationship with your loved one who struggles with addiction?

And let's be honest: that mental mind game can get pretty exhausting sometimes, right?

Just know that it's okay if you don't know right now what you want to do. But it's also so important to remember that you DO have control over your decision. And that's what I'm going to dive into with today's new episode (along with a personal story about a big decision my daughter made recently).

Find more here:
https://loveoveraddiction.com/decision/

Join us here: https://loveoveraddiction.com

You love a good man or woman who drinks too much or suffers from addiction.

This disease is cunning and secretive. There are things you need to know that addiction will never share with you. They are important things that could change your life and the way you feel about yourself.  

Here’s a list of the top 4 things this manipulative disease does not what you to know (and I am happy to reveal):

1. It’s not your fault.

His or her disease is the reason your family life feels like it’s falling apart. It’s not about you. You’re lovely. You’re a wonderful gift that is not being appreciated. Don’t leave your self-worth in the hands of someone who is sick. The dysfunction that’s going on under your roof has nothing to do with you.

2. It’s not your job to get your partner better.

Stay in your own lane. Your efforts won’t make a difference unless he or she wants them to. Spend your time and energy on something that gives you joy instead of wasting it thinking about how to help him. The more you try to help, the more you rob your loved one of the victory they will feel when they help themselves.  

3. God will work in YOUR life when YOU’RE willing and open.

Ask and then look for the evidence. Are you going through your day in an anxious fog? Or are you paying attention to all the wonderful things going on around you? I promise there is a lot to be grateful for - even when your life feels out of control.

When you’re willing to be transformed, God shows up. When you’re open to change, He will change you (key word is you - not the one you love). All it takes is a grateful heart and to pay attention. Ask for change, be flexible, and go where the Spirit takes you. Change will happen.  

4. He or she knows they're out of control.

Your loved one might deny they're sick for self-preservation reasons, but they know. But they just put on a really good act. You don’t need to try and convince him or her. Again, this is a waste of time.  You’re just making them feel defensive. The more you try to get him or her to admit they have an issue, the more they will deny they have one. Let it go. You know and now you know your partner knows. There are bigger and more important things in your life that deserve your attention. Focus on them and let this go.

I hope you found this helpful. If you haven’t joined us in one of our programs and you want to find answers, hope, and happiness, what are you waiting for?  Click here to check out the details.  Our programs are offered for just $25.00 a month (your happiness and future are worth the price of a case of beer, aren't they?)

Loving someone who drinks too much or suffers from substance abuse can be really difficult. No one prepares you for how to handle the lying, the denial, or the feelings of of hopelessness.

What you think should work, doesn't. So you’re left not really knowing what to do.

Your best doesn't seem to be helping him or her get sober.

That’s why you need some direction. A clear path that will teach you exactly what to do and what not to.

You might be thinking you’re helping, but you could actually be hurting your partner. What feels like a loving thing to do might actually be enabling.

How do you know if you’re helping or hurting the person you love?

You start your own program.

If you loved a man or woman with cancer, you would go to an expert who would teach you how to care for them.

But what experts sometimes forget to tell us that it’s equally important for us to care for ourselves while living with someone who is sick.

And that’s the mistake that we’re going to talk about today.

So often we get completely wrapped up in our loved one's illness that we neglect ourselves, our healing, and our recovery.

We put off taking care of ourselves and feeding our souls because we’re constantly worried that if we take the focus off of our partner, they won’t get better.

But can I tell you that’s just your attempt to control?

And you don’t have any control over this disease. The only thing you can control is how you choose to react to his or her illness.

When you make the same mistakes over and over it can make you feel crazy. Because you’re making the same mistakes over and over and expecting different results.

For example: let’s say your loved one promises they're not going to drink this weekend, but you suspect they are.

So what do you do?

You go looking through the house or garage trying to find empty bottles. You’re trying to prove that he or she is lying to you. You want to bust them and catch their dishonestly.

But why?

You don’t need to prove it to them or yourself. Let it go. Don’t make a big deal about it and don’t go looking through the house on a hunt to discover the “evidence."

Take a deep breath. Remind yourself that you’re not crazy. He or she probably is drinking or up to no good.

But you’re not going to keep making the same mistake of trying to find proof that he’s been drinking again.

You’re done with that behavior.

Your time is valuable and you already know you're probably right.

You’re a smart woman. You know when your partner has been drinking or using drugs. You can usually tell from the way they say “hello” when they answers your call. Trust your instincts.

I know you can do this. I believe in you.

If you found this helpful and want to learn more, the Love Over Mistakes program will answer questions like:

“Can I ever talk to my partner about his or her bad habits?”

“What do I tell my children about their father or mother's drinking?”

“How can I start to feel better?”

And if you’re a mother of a child who is addicted to drugs or alcohol, this program is for you too (so please pass this resource on to all the wonderful and loving moms who are in pain because their child suffers from addiction).

I hope to meet you in the Love Over Mistakes program. Click here for more details.

Her son (and her husband) both suffer from addiction. She has twin sons, one suffers and one doesn’t. And she thinks she knows why… Usually we don’t get into the details of why someone may suffer, but when you’re a mother with a child suffering it can be helpful. We talk about why and much more. 

Find more here: https://loveoveraddiction.com/podcast

Join your community: https://loveoveraddiction.com

Connect personally: https://www.instagram.com/love_over_addiction/

When we love someone suffering from addiction, our relationships aren’t ‘normal’ by any stretch of the word. 

We can take on strange roles that we never imagined before, like taking care of our partners like they’re our children. 

Can you relate? Do you find yourself reminding them of appointments? Picking up their laundry? Cleaning up their messes? Driving them places? Making all their food? 

There’s no shame here. We’re a judgment-free community. And I found myself in this exact position when I loved a good man that suffered from addiction. 

I thought I was helping, but I was actually hurting. 

Find out how to let go of acting like their mother, and where to put that energy and effort instead. 

Learn more: https://loveoveraddiction.com/taking-care-of-your-partner/ 

Join your community: https://loveoveraddiction.com

Connect personally: https://www.instagram.com/love_over_addiction/

As most of you know, I have a blended family. I have given birth to 4 children. And I’m about to share with you a story that at first glance might not seem like it has a lot to do with drinking or addiction, but hang with me and I promise I will get there.

Over the last 3 years I have done almost everything to get my stomach flat. I have thinner legs and arms but I have been “blessed” to carry ALL of my weight in my belly.

It used to be so bad that on a regular basis I would be asked when my baby was due. And because I’m such a codependent (and I know you get it) I would lie and make up a date because I didn’t want the person who was asking to feel bad. I know - ridiculous.

So I started working out - something I have avoided my entire youth and adult life. Over the last 3 years I have done almost every exercise known to man. I have also read and tried way too many diets.

At first I lost 20 lbs. And then I gained them all back. Then I lost them again and now (for the last year) I’ve been at a plateau. I don’t get asked how far along I am very often anymore, but I still catch people staring at my belly and I can tell they are wondering - “should I ask?”

So as a very last resort I went to a surgeon…to inquire about a tummy tuck. I know. Please don’t judge.

I left his office with a possible date for surgery and a plan.

But here’s the thing…Over the next few weeks leading up to surgery I kept thinking, what if I could just get to place where I was ok with my body? Or, something even more crazy - what if I could even embrace my body, as it is right now?

What if I could look at myself in the mirror and thank God for all the hard work my tummy has done in my 39 years of life? My worn out tummy has helped create 4 beautiful human beings who have turned out to be amazing, healthy kids. It has stuck by me as I gained and lost over 200 lbs (including pregnancies). Never giving up. Never shaming me for choosing chocolate. Sure, it may not be what it used to - but it’s served me so well.

What if I could get out of the shower and look at my husband in the eye without running for a towel?

My breasts are not winning any prizes after nursing 4 kids (and let’s just be honest, they really weren't prize winners before that either). But they are cancer-free, they FED 4 humans and kept them alive!

What if the only exercise I committed to doing was the kind I loved? I love to walk, do elliptical (hello, Netflix) and I love yoga. What if that’s all I did for now? No HIT training, cross training, spinning or whatever the trendy fad is that seems to work for everyone else but never for me?

What if I just ate with the intention of feeding my body with nourishing, healthy, colorful foods at every meal? What if I took my time learning to cook what my body needs to thrive? Instead of filling it with junk or starving myself for 3 days only to overstuff myself on the 4th?

What if I researched what I need to eat to have healthy hair, nails, eyes, pores, muscles, skin and just committed to giving back to my tender body what it has given me. To serve my body out of love with no expectations?

What if I threw my scale away and ripped up every diet book? And just moved my body most days and filled my body when I was hungry with things that would make it thrive?

And if I wanted a treat - I would eat a damn treat.  No calorie counting, no body shaming, no regrets. Just kindness for myself, self acceptance and giving my body the best chance to grow old gracefully.

That would be amazing.

I don’t know how I’m going to get to a place of total self acceptance but I know where to start….

I told my sweet and supportive husband that what he was looking at was as good as it gets for now and I canceled my appointment for surgery.

If you’re in love with someone who drinks too much or suffers from addiction like I was, we can easily take their disease as personal rejection.

But what if we decided that we would not let this disease dictate how we feel about ourselves? We are better than addiction and it’s time to take back our confidence in our minds, hearts AND bodies.

If you're ready to make your healing as important as his sobriety - we are waiting for you.  The programs are online, confidential and you have lifetime access - so you can do them at your own pace.

Detaching is a big buzzword in the recovery community. I hear a lot from the women in our secret Facebook group that detaching with love is almost impossible because it requires you to remove your emotions from the situation and from the outcome.

So, let’s say your loved one starts making bad choices by having a few drinks. Your instant reaction is to get upset and to feel like you’ve been punched in the gut again because they lied. They said they were going to get better. They said they weren't drinking.

Your detachment would mean you go through that immediate process, and then you auto correct yourself, and you say, “I’m not going to go in there and nag. I’m not going to point out that they know that I know. I am not going to yell or scream or have a temper tantrum. I’m not going to sulk. I’m just going to let that dysfunction happen, and I’m going to move on.”

That’s ultimately what detachment is: it’s taking away your power from somebody else’s actions.

It’s saying, “I’m going to choose to be responsible and accountable for how I feel in this moment regardless of what’s going on around me.”

A lot of women in our community say, “Okay, Michelle, I get that, but then I can’t get back in touch with the love that I have for them because I’m removing all of my emotions to prevent getting hurt. So how can I let my guard down, be vulnerable, and trust them but detach at the same time?”

It’s super hard, right? It’s a point of tension where you’re vulnerable and having a moment of real connection.

You have a great weekend with the person you love, and you think everything’s going to be better. Then they come in, and they’re high, or you catch them in a lie about their addiction, and you’ve been sucker punched. You think, “I should have detached. If I were detached, I wouldn't have felt that pain.”

I want you to know that these are normal feelings.

What I’m going to teach you today is all about how to get to the point where you're not riding this roller coaster ride of vulnerability and detachment. I’m going to teach you how to respect yourself enough to honor your feelings regardless of what’s going on with your addict.

And the way you do that is to get busy. Stop trying to invest in whether they are going to get sober or not.

Lower your expectations for the one you love.

So basically, you start off by saying, “I completely accept the fact that the person I am in love with might never get sober.”

That is a very hard thing to do. And I’m not saying that’s going to happen overnight.

But I want you to think about your next week, your next month, your next year, and then the next three years. I want you to imagine where you're going to live, how old your children will be (if you have children), and, if you’ll be working, what kind of job you will have.

In all those milestones, I want you to imagine your partner is still sick. There’s no improvement. And this disease is progressive, so if they don’t get help today or tomorrow, you know it's going to be worse next week and the week after that.

I’m not trying to crush your hope, but what I am saying is that if you go into your relationship with those expectations, it’s a pleasant surprise if they ever get sober. It’s a wonderful, miraculous thing that occurred.

And if they don’t get sober, they remain struggling, and you choose to stay with them, this gives you the best chance of happiness. I know that sounds completely backwards, but it’s true because you’re no longer living in a state of disappointment.

The reason why you feel like you're on this roller coaster ride is because there is some part of you that still hangs on to hope and believes they’re going to get sober tomorrow.

So, if you let go of the promises of good behavior, and you let go of any kind of hope they’re going to get sober for good, that allows you to get off the roller coaster ride.

It’s allowing you to say, “I fully accept that my loved one is struggling with a disease, and ultimately, I have no control over it. So if I am choosing to stay, I am choosing to accept this person for who they are today, their struggles and all.”

That’s the first step of detaching. The second step, once you’ve freed yourself of expectation, is to get busy. You need to join a gym, or you need to join a book club. Get involved with your grandbabies.

It doesn’t matter what you choose to do, but don’t sit around waiting like a hall monitor looking for all the ways or signs or symptoms they are still addicted. Get on with your life, and find joys in other areas.

If you're like, “Michelle, I heard you say that before, and that's not working well,” then you haven’t found something that ultimately gives you joy yet. You need to keep searching.

Ultimately, the goal is to get you to have such a joyful life with passions, hobbies, friends, and self-care that it doesn’t matter what they're doing. They could be totally sober or completely wasted, and either way, you’ve created this very rich, fulfilling life for yourself.

The lie that addiction wants you to believe is that you need a partner to have a joyful life.

You don’t need someone sober in your life in order to achieve that joy. That’s a lie. You can be alone. You can be a single mom, a single woman, or a married woman completely uninvested in their recovery and surrounded by this very joyful life.

I hope this helps break down detaching in a way that makes it tangible for you. And I understand that what I wrote in this post is particularly challenging and could be devastating.

But I believe in being truthful with you. I believe in getting you to that joyful life, and sometimes that means hearing things that make us uncomfortable.

I love you, and I know you can have that life. I believe you can have this support and love in your life no matter what the one you love decides to do or not.