Interior Integration for Catholics (Peter T. Malinoski, Ph.D.)

1. Opening Questions (connect to vignettes)
    
   1. Cindy wants to know, "Is oral sex okay in marriage? -- My husband every now and then likes it if I give him a blowjob, just for some variety in our sex life and he says there's no moral problem with that and it turns him on, but I'm not sure what I think and feel about that."    
2. 
   
   1. Barbara asks "In episode 61, in the story of Jeff and Joanne, you seemed to say that the husband's kissing of breasts was wrong, that it was disordered.  But I like it when my husband kisses my breasts during foreplay, and it really helps me to be sexually stimulated -- so is that off-limits in a Catholic marriage?"
3.  
   1. Bill raises the question "I really get turned on when my wife bites me, it helps me to have sex with her, I find I don't have to use Viagra then -- is that ok, or is it better for me to use the Viagra?  I don't want to not be able to have the fullness of sexual intimacy with her…"  
4. 
   
   1. The last two episodes brought up questions. 
      1. These were not the actual questions, but questions like them came up.
      2. Today we're going get into this more deeply -- and into how to think about the moral quality of sexual acts in Catholic marriage.  
5. Intro: Welcome to the podcast Interior Integration for Catholics
    
   1. In this podcast, we confront the tough questions we Catholics have in our day-to-day lives, we confront head on our struggles in the natural realm, the psychological difficulties that keep us from fully loving our Lord and our Lady in a deep, personal, intimate way. 
6. 
   
   1. This podcast helps you focus inward on your interior integration -- to help you bring together the different parts of yourself into unity and harmony with God.
7.  
   1. 'Together, we are on a journey toward deep transformation in our mindsets, our heartsets and our bodysets, a radical transformation at the core of our being so that our souls can one day enter into contemplative union with God. 
8. 
   
   1. I’m clinical psychologist Peter Malinoski and I am here with you, to be your host and guide.  
9. 
   
   1. This podcast is part of Souls and Hearts, our online outreach at soulsandhearts.com, which is all about shoring up our natural foundation for the Catholic spiritual life, all about overcoming psychological obstacles to being loved and to loving God and neighbor
10.  
    1. This is episode 69, released on May 24, 2021 
11. 
    
    1. And it is titled:   Good and Bad Sex in Catholic Marriages: What are the Moral Limits? 
12. 
    
    1. How far is too far? That all depends on the direction you are going!
        
       1. Augustine -- evil as a privation of the good.  Evil is what happens when there is a vacuum because there isn't any good around.  
    2. 
       
       1. So if you are attempting to just avoid evil -- makes sure there's no evil in your sex life, you're trying to make a privation of the privation of good.  
    3. 
       
       1. It's much better to reorient and seek what is good, what is best, whatever that may mean for your sex life.  Even if you may have to give up some things from which you derive pleasure.  
    4. 
       
       1. Not to condemn the physical pleasure of sexual intimacy -- Not at all
           
          1. Bring that into an ordered hierarchy
       2.  
    5. Lot of confusion about the morality of different sexual expressions
        
       1. Lack of clear guidance on this, almost like a conspiracy of silence when it comes to really getting into specifics.  
    6. 
       
       1. Lot of terrible advice from all kinds of Catholic sources as well.  It may be well intentioned, but it causes harm.  
    7. 
       
       1. I could be making mistakes here too -- a lot of this is new territory and not well defined.  -- And to that end, I invite feedback, especially if I teach anything that is in error.  Please get in touch with me at crisis@soulsandhearts.com or at 317.567.9594 on Tuesdays and Thursdays between 4:30 PM and 5:30 PM Eastern time in conversations hours.  
          1. Citations -- Catechism, Church documents, Canon Law, Denzinger's Compendium, Ludwig Ott Fundamentals of Catholic Dogma
    8. 
       

Don't email me and tell me that a confessor you went to ten years ago said that anything goes sexually in your marriage and God doesn't mind at all as long as it all leads to vaginal intercourse in the end. That's not helpful.   

1. Learning to reflect and consider thoughtfully our sexual intimacy.
2. Ways of approaching sexual morality
    
   1. Some people want a list List of Dos and Don’ts
       
      1. List of approved sexual activities and a list of activities that are not approved.  
         1. Simple, easy to understand, doesn't require much reflection -- is the activity on the good list or the bad list?
         2. And there is a bad list -- actually, a pretty long one
             
            1. Acts that can never be ordered, never be oriented to procreation by their very nature
                
               1. Examples
                   
                  1. Anal sex -- anatomically, anal sex cannot lead to procreation.
               2.  
                  1. Oral sex performed by a wife on a husband in which he ejaculates
               3.  
                  1. Fetishes in which some body part becomes the focus of sexual interest, like feet or ears or navel or an external object like shoes or underwear
               4.  
            2. 
               
         3. 
            
            1. Acts that cannot ever be oriented to the bond of marriage because they are degrading to the human person
                
               1. Emphasis on "consenting adults"
                   
                  1. Issue of mutual hedonism.  -- very worldly
                      
                     1. Using the spouse for mutual masturbation
                  2.  
                     1. Using the spouse as a sex toy
                  3.  
               2. 
                  
            2. 
               
               1. Examples
                   
                  1. Impact Play -- spanking, flogging, paddling -- power and domination
               2.  
                  1. Bondage -- restraints, dominance and submission -- use of leather belts or handcuffs.
               3.  
                  1. Voyeurism -- watching porn together
               4.  
                  1. Roleplaying -- power dynamics -- teacher /student
               5.  
                  1. Erotic asphyxiation (EA) is the official term for breath play. From healthline.com  This type of sexual activity involves intentionally cutting off the air supply for you or your partner with choking, suffocating, and other acts.  People who are into breath play say it can heighten sexual arousal and make orgasms more intense.  But it isn’t without its risks — and lots of them. It can turn deadly if you don’t take the proper precautions.
               6.  
            3. 
               
         4. 
            
         5. Does not capture anything like the complexity
   2. 
      
3. 
   
   1. Catholic Understanding of the morality of human acts
       
      1. Check out with the catechism of the Catholic Church, paragraphs 1749 to 1761 for an excellent discussion of how to evaluate the morality of any given act, including sexual acts.  Very much worth reading
   2.  
      1. We are going to do a brief review of how to evaluate the morality of acts, specifically sexual acts
   3.  
      1. And I promise we won't get to technical or philosophical, will keep this clear
   4.  
      1. CCC 1750 The morality of human acts depends on: - the object chosen; - the end in...

In this episode, I invited licensed marriage and family therapist Dr. Gerry Crete and a live audience to discuss the best ways to relate with family members with narcissistic traits while still preserving one's own limits and dignity.  Dr. Gerry addressed the following: 1) Why is it important to prepare yourself for relating with someone with dominant narcissistic parts? 2) How can we recognize our own limitations and the fact that we cannot change another person by our own efforts? 3) How can we understand the positive intentions of others' narcissistic parts? 4) What should you do if you are flooded and agitated by a family member with narcissistic tendencies? 5) How should you communicate your limits and boundaries with such family members?  6) How can you distinguish between standing up and advocating for yourself an just being "oversensitive" or prideful? 7) Are idealizing and devaluing the primary signs of narcissism or is there a deeper key feature?  8) How does narcissism often play out in a family when an aged parent dies?  9) When is it necessary to temporarily disconnect or separate from the family because of narcissism in other members?  10) How do we maintain "radical acceptance" of others and still hold boundaries and protect ourselves?  11) What kind of IFS groups are available online?  12) How does a lack of empathy present differently in narcissism vs. autism?

For another take on Catholic parts work look like in action, join Marion Moreland as she accompanies Caris in connecting, understanding, and loving Caris’ parts – not just the manager parts who are usually in front, but also some of Caris’ hidden exiled parts in this demonstration. Sarah is present in an observing role. This demonstration illustrates very typical ways of accompanying parts in inner work. Marion and Caris address themes of striving for productivity and perfection, control and rebellion, the pain of love rejected, among others and escape, and self-soothing. You are invited into the “observer role” with Sarah to connect with your own parts in your human formation as you experience the demo and your parts resonate with parts coming up in Caris’ work. 

1. Intro: Welcome to the podcast Interior Integration for Catholics -- the podcast formerly known as Coronavirus Crisis: Carpe Diem!  
   1. Interior Integration for Catholics brings to you each week the best psychological information essential for your human formation, knowledge that is so fundamental in shoring up the natural foundation for your Catholic spiritual life.  
   2. In this podcast, we ask and answer the tough questions about the real problems we Catholics have in our day-to-day lives, our struggles in the natural realm, the psychological difficulties that keep us from fully loving our Lord and our Lady in a deep, personal, intimate way. 
   3. In order to free you to love God the Father, Jesus, the Holy Spirit and Our Mother Mary, I help to you focus inward on your interior integration -- to help you bring together the different parts of yourself into unity and harmony with God's truth, goodness and beauty
   4. Together, we are looking for a deep transformation in our mindsets, our heartsets and our bodysets, a radical transformation at the core of our being so that our souls unite with God and we can rise to the challenges and opportunities He provides us.   
   5. I’m clinical psychologist Peter Malinoski and I am here with you, to be your host and guide.  
   6. This podcast is part of Souls and Hearts, our online outreach at soulsandhearts.com, which is all about shoring up our natural foundation for the Catholic spiritual life, all about overcoming psychological obstacles to being loved and to loving God and neighbor
   7. This is episode 51, released on January 18, 2021
   8. This is the third episode in our series on sexuality. 
   9. and it is titled: Top 10 Reasons Why Catholic Men Masturbate.
   10. And maybe some of you think you know why Catholic Men masturbate.  
   11. But maybe, just maybe some of you are not satisfied with the simple, surface answers.  Maybe some of you suspect that there are psychological reasons may be a lot deeper than the common explanations would suggest.  
   12. I'm here to say that I think there is so much more going on with masturbation than what may be available in conscious awareness.  I've been a psychologist since 2001 and in the last 20 years, I've had the opportunity to explore the reasons for masturbation in the lives of many, many Catholic men.  
       1. Top ten reasons that Catholic men give for why they masturbate  -- but wait, there's more
       2. Top ten deeper reasons why they really masturbate
   13. So if you are interested in getting a much more complete answers, answers that plumb the depths of our psyches stay tuned.  
   14. Why not women?  Fair question.  I've seen far more Catholic men actively struggling with this than Catholic women -- and I'm going off my clinical experience.  Masturbation is a great concern for some women.  I just know less about it in the lives of women. 
       1. Many of the points are likely to be equally valid for women as for men.  
       2. Valuable for women to understand why Catholic men masturbate.  
   15. Parents, be mindful of how much of this you may want your young children to hear.  
2. Definitions
    
   1. Important to define our terms and be clear about the concepts 
      1. Confucius:  The beginning of wisdom is to call things by their proper names
      2. APA Dictionary of Psychology:  n. manipulation of one’s own genital organs, typically the penis or clitoris, for purposes of sexual gratification. The act is usually accompanied by sexual fantasies or erotic literature, pictures, or videos. Masturbation may also include the use of mechanical devices (e.g., a vibrator) or self-stimulation of other organs, such as the anus or nipples. 
      3. Objections:  overdone sense of propriety --  
         1. Victorian age -- women not able to be examined
         2. Coded language, often poorly understood
         3. Often driven by a sense of shame -- a desire to hide. 
         4. Victorian Age characterized by a lot of sexual acting out.  Lots of it.   
         5. "Self-abuse"  
         6. Fear of talking about masturbation will increase the likelihood of masturbating.  
            1. Depends on the context.  
            2. In a clinical context, no.  
      4. Rebuttal -- if we can put our experiences into language and share them verbally
          
         1. Much better able to engage our intellect
             
            1. Fr. John Hardon -- his 1981 book "The Catholic Catechism": in addressing masturbation P. 355:  More than ever, the Church is becoming aware of the need for probing beneath the surface of not only what a person is doing by why he is doing it.  Impulses and tendencies that well up from the subconscious (or unconscious) are seen as contributing to overt actions that reflect the behavioral pattern of the environment, even while they contradict the deepest values in which a person believes. 
         2. 
            
            1. Experiences no longer pre-verbal -- chaos of emotions, body sensations, images, sensory experiences, desires, impulses -- we need to be able to name them, or they remain shadowy, dark, ominous
         3.  
      5. 
         
         1. And our will -- we are less likely to act out on them 
      6. 
         
         1. less likely to sin
      7.  
         1. Contradicts a commonly held notion - that if we ignore, suppress, repress, avoid a problem it will go away
             
            1. Sin thrives in the darkness
         2.  
      8. 
         
3. 
   
   1. Secular Psychology Views on Masturbation
       
      1. Joe Kort, Ph.D.  2020 Article in Psychology Today:  Masturbation is Sexual Health.
   2.  
4. 
   

And yet here we are in 2020 and talking about masturbation is still taboo in most of society. And that’s a shame, literally and figuratively, because masturbation is still widely considered shameful, and because for most people it’s a healthy and normal activity. There is actually a term these days for those who prefer masturbation over other forms of sex: solosexual.

1. World has radically different views from the Catholic Church on sexuality.  
2. Mine is a minority opinion -- you can write me off as fringey if you want.  
3. Catholic teaching on Masturbation
    
   1. CCC  
4. 
   

 2351 Lust is disordered desire for or inordinate enjoyment of sexual pleasure. Sexual pleasure is morally disordered when sought for itself, isolated from its procreative and unitive purposes.

 

2352 By masturbation is to be understood the deliberate stimulation of the genital organs in order to derive sexual pleasure. "Both the Magisterium of the Church, in the course of a constant tradition, and the moral sense of the faithful have been in no doubt and have firmly maintained that masturbation is an intrinsically and gravely disordered action.""The deliberate use of the sexual faculty, for whatever reason, outside of marriage is essentially contrary to its purpose." For here sexual pleasure is sought outside of "the sexual relationship which is demanded by the moral order and in which the total meaning of mutual self-giving and human procreation in the context of true love is achieved."139

 

1. Is Masturbation a Mortal Sin?
    
   1. CCC  1857 For a sin to be mortal, three conditions must together be met: "Mortal sin is sin whose object is grave matter and which is also committed with full knowledge and deliberate consent."131
2.  
   1. Grave matter -- Grave ...

1. Intro: Welcome to the podcast Interior Integration for Catholics -- the podcast formerly known as Coronavirus Crisis: Carpe Diem! And for one episode, the last episode we called it "Resilient Catholics" -- but there is a podcast out there already called "The Resilient Catholic" so we don’t want to create confusion and division. 
   1. Interior
   2. Integration
   3. Catholics
   4. Encompasses
       
      1. Human Formation
   5.  
      1. Radical Transformation
   6.  
      1. Shoring up the natural foundation for the spiritual life
   7.  
      1. Resilience
   8.  
   9. I’m clinical psychologist Peter Malinoski and I am here with you, to be your host and guide.  
   10. This podcast is part of Souls and Hearts, our online outreach at soulsandhearts.com, which is all about shoring up our natural foundation for the Catholic spiritual life, all about overcoming psychological obstacles to being loved and to loving God and neighbor
   11. This is episode 50, released on January 11, 2021
   12. and it is titled: In Search of a healthy, ordered sexuality.  
   13. This is the second episode in our series on sexuality.  
   14. We are going to spend time on sexuality and in the coming weeks we will address many topics, including masturbation, pornography, adulterous affairs, pre-marital sex, asexuality, homosexuality, artificial contraception and sexual trauma and its effects.  
   15. But to put those issues into context, we need to understand what a health sexuality looks like.  
       1. Vitally important because sexuality is so sensitive to how we live our lives in the natural realm   
       2. Also vitally important because an authentic Catholic view on sexuality is so radically different from what the world offers us. 
       3. Most baptized Catholic reject Catholic teaching on many sexual issues. 
       4. So many Catholics struggle with sexual issues.  Lots of confusion. Lots of distress.  
       5. We need a guiding star, an image of what sexuality should be.  That's what this episode is about.
           
          1. We will look at the authoritative sources of Catholic teaching
       6.  
          1. but really flesh them out in a way that appreciates how people are wired physiologically, neurologically and psychologically
       7.  
          1. So we can have answers to why we so often find ourselves falling and going astray in the sexual realm.  
       8. 
          
   16. Parts
   17. Examples
2. Vitally important to recognize a healthy sexuality because our sexuality is so sensitive to how we live our lives in the natural realm -- are we living in an ordered, virtuous way in harmony with natural and divine realities, or are we basing our actions on our subjective, distorted perceptions of reality.  Sexuality is either the first or one of the first areas in our life to go wrong when we depart from reality.  Sensitive barometer to how things are ordered or not ordered in our lives.  
3. Most baptized Catholic report that they reject Catholic teaching on many sexual issues. 
   1. Pew 2014 Survey of more than 7200 Catholics, 57% Favor or Strongly Favor Same-sex Marriages 
   2. Pew 2016 survey of 817 Catholics only 8% of Catholics believe using contraception is morally wrong.  41% believe its morally acceptable and 48% believe it's not a moral issue.
   3. Lots more statistics
   4. Social referencing:  evaluating one’s own modes of thinking, expression, or behavior by comparing them with those of other people so as to understand how to react in a particular situation and to adapt one’s actions and reactions in ways that are perceived to be appropriate.  APA dictionary
   5. Lukewarm Catholics look a lot like lukewarm Methodists, look a lot like lukewarm Jews, look a lot like lukewarm Buddhists, look a lot like lukewarm agnostics, look a lot like lukewarm atheists. 
      1. Going with the cultural flow
      2. Relying on own perceptions and insights
      3. Everybody being influenced by the societal trends.  
   6. We don't want to be constrained
       
      1. Reductionism.  Universal, Eternal Moral Laws --> Confining, chafing Rules -->  outdated decrees from decades or centuries ago, promulgated by old white men in black cassocks who aren't supposed to be having sex anyway -- what do they know?  How are these teaching possibly relevant to my life in the 2020s.  Thou shalt not, thou shalt not, creating an impression that sex is bad, almost any sexual activity is bad, I'm tired of being told how bad I am . 
   7. 
      
      1. License vs. freedom 
         1. Freedom is the capacity to choose the good for me and for others
             
            1. Freedom is the power, rooted in reason and will, to act or not to act, to do this or that, and so to perform deliberate actions on one's own responsibility. By free will one shapes one's own life. Human freedom is a force for growth and maturity in truth and goodness; it attains its perfection when directed toward God, our beatitude (#1731).
         2.  
         3. License is the capacity to choose what I want -- to take what I want
             
            1.  root of licentiousness -- lacking legal or moral restraints and especially disregarding sexual restraints
         4.  
   8. 
      
      1. Me as the measure
          
         1. Enlightenment -- man as the measure of all things instead of God.
      2.  
         1. Ordered sexuality is what I think it is for me.  
            1. Assumption that I know what is best for me, by my own lights
                
               1. No need for divine revelation
            2.  
               1. No acceptance of an external authority
            3.  
               1. Chesterton “We do not really want a religion that is right where we are right. What we want is a religion that is right where we are wrong.” The Catholic Church and Conversion
            4.  
            5. Assumption that I can determine what is best for me.  
      3. 
         
   9. 
      

 

1. So many Catholics struggle with sexual issues.  Lots of confusion. Lots of distress.  
   1. Catholic teaching on sexuality is very misunderstood, often watered down, often misrepresented.
   2. Intensity of bodily experience -- affects us.  
   3. Market for it.  We have itching ears 
      1. 2 Timothy 4: 2-4  Preach the word: be instant in season, out of season: reprove, entreat, rebuke in all patience and doctrine.  3 For there shall be a time, when they will not endure sound doctrine; but, according to their own desires, they will heap to themselves teachers, having itching ears: 4 And will indeed turn away their hearing from the truth, but will be turned unto fables.
          
         1. St. Hilary of Poitiers:  mid-fourth century AD:  …they will gather teachers together for these things which they desire. They will compile a doctrine that fits in with their desires, since they are no longer eager to be taught. They want to bring together teachers for that which they already desire in order that this large number of teachers whom they have sought and assembled may satisfy the doctrines of their own passionate desires. ON THE TRINITY 10.2.69
      2.  
         1. GK Chesterton:  The Catholic Church and Conversion 1926 : We do not really want a religion that is right where we are right. What we want is a religion that is right where we are wrong. In these current fashions it is not really a question of the religion allowing us liberty; but (at the best) of the liberty allowing us a religion. Th...

1. Intro: Welcome to the podcast Interior Integration for Catholics 
   1. Interior Integration for Catholics brings to you in each episode the best psychological information essential for your human formation, knowledge that is fundamental in shoring up the natural foundation for your Catholic spiritual life.  
   2. This podcast helps you focus inward on your interior integration -- to help you bring together the different parts of yourself into unity and harmony with God in the natural realm.
   3. In this podcast, we confront the tough internal questions we Catholics have in our day-to-day lives, we confront head-on our struggles in the natural realm, the psychological difficulties that keep us from fully loving our Lord and our Lady in a deep, personal, intimate way and living out our vocations, including our vocation to Catholic marriage which necessarily brings in both sexuality and religion.
   4. And we're dealing with sexuality and religion in this episode for two primary reasons: first to free you to love God our Father, Jesus our Brother, the Holy Spirit and Our Mother Mary more and more over time and 
   5. Second, to love you neighbor as yourself -- And who is your neighbor?  If you are married, your first neighbor, your closest neighbor, the neighbor toward whom you have the most responsibilities is your spouse.  Because of your marriage vows.  
   6. I’m clinical psychologist Peter Malinoski and I am here with you, to be your host and guide.  
   7. This podcast is part of Souls and Hearts, our online outreach at soulsandhearts.com, which is all about shoring up our natural foundation for the Catholic spiritual life, all about overcoming psychological obstacles to being loved and to loving God and neighbor.
   8. We are celebrating our one year anniversary.  First podcast launched March 20, 2020
       
      1. Success
          
         1. The majority of podcasts don't make it to 14 episodes
      2.  
         1. Because of you
             
            1. Very niche audience
         2.  
            1. This one has risen to top 10% based on downloads
         3.  
            1. Tells me there is a hunger out there.   
         4. 
            
      3. 
         
   9. 
      
      1. Gratitude
   10.  
       1. Appreciation
   11.  
       1. Your support increases my motivation.  
   12. 
       
   13. This is episode 60, released on March 22, 2021
   14. And it is titled: How Well Do You Really Know Your Spouse?  
   15. This is the 12th episode in our series on sexuality, the fourth in our subseries on sexuality in Catholic marriages 
   16. Continuing with the model of a Catholic Canopied Marriage Bed to illuminate what happens sexually in Catholic marriages.  
   17. Episode 58 -- I provided you with the model of a Catholic canopied marriage bed.  
       1. Remember this canopied marriage bed represents the sexual life of a married Catholic couple.  
          1. The floor -- The Presence of God and His Providence -- we started here in the last episode, episode 59
          2. The four legs
              
             1. Leg 1 -- the husband's commitment to his own interior integration and his own human formation
          3.  
             1. Leg 2.  the wife's commitment to her own interior integration, her own human formation
          4.  
             1. Leg 3.  Understanding my own and my spouse's attachment needs and integrity needs   
          5. 
             
             1. Leg 4.  Internal Family Systems Approaches to understanding myself and my spouse
                 
                1. We are really exploring this leg first, in this podcast episode.  
             2. 
                
          6. 
             
          7. The frame and the box spring -- the firm, unwavering commitment of the husband his marriage vows and the wife to her marriage vows -- separately.  Independently
          8. The mattress  Empathetic attunement
          9.  Two pillows:  Self-acceptance and Spouse-acceptance 
          10. Bottom Sheet:  sexual attraction, the intensity of sexual passion
          11. Top Sheet:  Communication between the spouses
          12. The blankets:  human warmth, emotional connection
          13. Four Bedposts -- imagine two spiral intertwined, like the double-helix structure of DNA
               
              1. Mindset
          14.  
              1. Heartset
          15.  
              1. Bodyset
          16.  
              1. Soulset
          17.  
          18. The canopy and the curtains -- to protect privacy and propriety or to hide dysfunction, exploitation, even abuse.  
          19. The sham, the bedspread, and the bedskirt -- Used to cover up the real bed, give an impression of the state of married life to the world.  
       2. Review:  So we've only just begun with this metaphor.  Now starting in the next episode, we are going to walk step by step through all the elements of the Catholic marriage bed, through all the components of married Catholic sexual life.  We're going to cover all the bases slowly and thoroughly so that all components, all the pieces become clear. 
          1. We will look at what each part of the Catholic marriage bed looks like when it is healthy as well as what can go wrong with each part of the bed.  
          2. Just as important, how all the pieces of the marriage bed, healthy or unhealthy are related to each other, how they interconnect and how those elements of Catholic Married sexual life can change over time.  
   18. Over and over and over again, I have had Catholic couples in my office discussing their marital problems, their sexual problems.
   19. And over and over and over again, I come to the same conclusion -- Catholic couples who are married, 5, 15, 25, 40 years or more do not really know their spouses.  
       1. They know a lot about their spouses
           
          1. biographical details
       2.  
          1. They know a lot about behaviors their spouses do
       3.  
       4. But their internalized image of the spouse, their working model of the spouse is way off
           
          1. Very two dimensional
       5.  
          1. Very simplistic
       6.  
          1. Interpreted through our own filters and lenses
       7.  
       8. Lots of reasons for this and we'll get into them today.  
   20. So this episode is titled What You Don't Know About Your Spouse Can Hurt Both of You.  
   21. So get ready, prepare yourself for light bulbs to switch on and shine brightly as we explore new and much clearer ways of thinking about sexual life in Catholic marriages, grounded in the perennial teachings of the Catholic Church and informed by the best of psychology. 
2. The Windup / the Hurdle -- What is our situation here.
    
   1. Five Bold claims:
       
      1. You don't really know your spouse.  
   2. 
      
      1. Your spouse doesn't really know you.  
   3. 
      
      1. Your Father doesn't or didn't really know your mother
   4.  
      1. Your mother doesn't or didn't really know your father
   5.  
      1. And you don't really know you.  
   6. 
      
3. 
   
   1. Not just talking about troubled marriages here.  Not just talking about Catholic marriages in general.  I'm also talking about those Catholic marriages that you admire.  
4. 
   
   1. In these days, very few people really deeply enter into the phenomenological world of anyone -- anyone else or even oneself.  
5. 
   
   1. Bold claims.  Explain yourself, Dr. Peter.  I don't know ...

Coronavirus Crisis: Carpe Diem

Title:  The Flip Side of the Huge Mistake We Make with our Emotions in a Crisis

 

Episode 9:  April 17, 2020

Welcome to the podcast Coronavirus Crisis:  Carpe Diem, where you and I rise up and embrace the possibilities and opportunities for spiritual and psychological growth in this time of crisis, all grounded in a Catholic worldview. I’m clinical psychologist Peter Malinoski with Souls and Hearts at soulsandhearts.com.  Thank you for being here with me. 

This is Episode 9 and its April 17, 2020, entitled The Flip Side of the Huge Mistake We Make with our Emotions in a Crisis.  In Episode 7, last week, we discussed how some of us make the huge mistake of neglecting our emotions, disregarding them, disconnecting from them.  We discussed the costs of that neglect.  

Today, we discuss the flip side of that mistake – the mistake of being dominated by our emotions.  Heartset is the dispositions or the orientation of our heart, the emotional and intuitive ways of our heart.  Heartset is essential our emotional state and the positions we take because of our feelings.  One of the four pillars of psychological resilience,  Episode 4  -- introduced all of them.

Emotions are not morally right or wrong.  We often believe they are – we don’t always say it that way.  My sadness is sinful.  

We have an innate sense of right and wrong.  But we also learn what is right and wrong by what our parents reward and punish.  And frankly, parent like pleasant feelings in their children and the don’t like unpleasant feelings.  

So anger, disappointment, sadness, fear – parents sometimes don’t tolerate these emotions well in their children.  Anger as an example.  A lot of parents do not allow their children to express anger in any way.  No expression of anger is well tolerated.  IF you’re a kid an every time you are angry, you get punished no matter what you do, it’s very easy to assume that the anger is wrong.  

Let’s face it:  Kids are not very nuanced.   I hate you mommy you’re a bad mommy.  

So the child learns not to express anger in any way.  Anger is dangerous.  Keep it inside.  Deal with it silently.  So it wells up and explodes.

Some parents can’t handle children’s anger well – they fear their own anger coming up.  So it’s somewhat protective.  You parents know this.  Sometimes it feels like you just can’t take the kids’ fighting any more, the arguing and bickering in anger, and you drop the hammer.  There are no people on earth better able to confront parents with their inadequacies than their children. So kids bury them.  And they ping pong back and forth.  Beach ball under water.  Emotions can come rushing back.  That’s why we want our emotions integrated.   

 

Banning words like hate.  Because we don’t like the thought that hate is there.  Such a strong word.  But there are strong emotions.  Burning the map doesn’t destroy the territory.  How I learned not to ban words. Telling a story Big brown eyes.  Banning the word Stupid.  

Children have a way of really getting under parents’ skin in ways no one else ever can.  I have seven children.  Oldest was about 8.  Calling each other stupid.  Like kids do.  

Another way.  Or parents may simply allow all kinds of emotional expression.  In this very laid back acceptance of all emotions, the child learns to accept all his emotions, all the emotions are validated, so they all must reflect truth. 

Temperaments of children matter, too.  This stuff is really complex.  

Two ways to be dominated by our emotions:

1.       To be overwhelmed by them, to be driven by our passions, to lash out in anger or to flee in fear when we shouldn’t  

2.      To give them too much weight in our thinking – for example consider how you might hold a grudge against someone – harboring resentment.  Interpret that person’s behavior through that lens of bitterness.   We’re not overwhelmed with emotion.  

When we allow ourselves to be dominated by emotions and when we assume that our emotions just reflect reality, our heartset leads us to a mindset of subjectivism.  My subjective experience is what matters.  If I feel it, it must be true.  I have my truth, you have your truth, and they can contradict each other.  

So we want emotions integrated and we want them regulated.  

Breathe, Holy Names, Confide, Listen.  Four-step plan to calm emotions down.  

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not rely on your own insight.  In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.

So about this podcast.  I way underestimated how much work this is.  And I was very optimistic.  

Building an ark.  Not working out the way I expected.  Very optimistic.  Yeb dub dah.  Flfalg.   Very used to talking with people – presented for years, but I could always watch the reactions.  Is this any good?  Not much response.  Can’t go with what is gratifying.  Turning away potential clients.  Worried.  Does anybody even care.  Some days March 14 no one listens.  

Started asking – brilliant.  

Connections with you:  Worried initially.  

Calls coming in

Letter writing

 

Now super excited.  Big ideas about how to bring people together.  I am now convinced we have a core.  Looking at RSS feeds.  We’re just going to do what needs to be done.  And I’m not alone.  You are with me.

Prayers are flowing in.  We are coming together.  

Working on a forum for how we can connect.  Send me ideas.    Not a huge fan of FaceBook privacy issues.  Working on a forum for our website.  Private or Public

 

Also working on setting up groups that can connect around this podcast and within Souls and Hearts.  

Champions – Committed people.  Volunteering.    

 

Call to Arms  4 qualities.  

 

1.       Devoutly embrace Catholic Faith – Life of prayer and sacrifice.  

2.      Convinced of the important of psychology – not just dabblers, not just interested in it, but see it as essential in this day and age.  Human formation, not just spiritual formation.

3.      Willingness to change to grow – to apply these things.  Not just some lecture, some dry information.  Yes, some conceptual learning Experiential learning.    

4.      Willing and able to use technology and our online platform.  Engage remotely.  

 

Too many of you have been siloed – isolated from others that meet these four requirements.  

 

Christine, Jane, Sylvia, Bridget, Joyce, Diane, Julie, Hrvoje and more that have come in, thank you!  Thank your for telling me your stories and what 

 

Thank you for the appreciation. Like building an ark.  My he...

In this episode, philosopher Matthew Walz, Ph.D. the Director of Intellectual Formation at Holy Trinity Seminary, explains the integration of the four pillars of formation laid out in Pope St. John Paul II's Pastores Dabo Vobis. We dive into why it is so important to integrate the four types of formation and whether there is a hierarchy or sequence among them. We then discuss Dr. Walz’s models of integrated formation first presented in his article, “Toward a Causal Account of Priestly Formation: A Reading of Pastores Dabo Vobis”, which can be found here: https://www.hprweb.com/2021/01/toward-a-causal-account-of-priestly-formation/. Dr. Walz explains how the four dimensions of formation — human formation, spiritual formation, intellectual formation, and pastoral formation — parallel Aristotle’s four causes, which are the material, formal, efficient, and final causes. The types of formation also parallel the “four loves”— love of self, love of God, love of truth, and love of neighbor. Finally, these four kinds of formation parallel the dimensions of Christ — Christ in His human nature and as priest, prophet, and king. We wrap up this episode by discussing what Dr. Walz means by “dimensional trespassing" in the process of formation.  

Join Dr. Peter and our audience members to experience a guided meditation on your parts’ needs for integrated formation. Guided by John Paul II’s four dimensions of personal formation (human, spiritual, intellectual, and pastoral) you have an opportunity to see what a part of you needs. Several audience members debrief from the exercise and we all discuss with some Q&A. 

In Episode 102, Dr. Peter guides a live audience to helping their parts get the love they need in an experiential exercise, especially the parts that may have been unnoticed or even neglected. Come join us on an adventure inside, where we work to overcome the human formation obstacles to embracing God's love for us. At the end, audience participants share their experiences with Dr. Peter and he answers questions.

Summary:  Dr. Peter walks you through the four tracks or pathways Catholics commonly follow with their anger at God, tracks proposed by Michele Novotni and Randy Petersen in their 2001 book Angry with God, and elaborates on them extensively.  These four tracks are 1) Trust in God Track; 2) the Cover-Up Track; 3) the Wrestle with God Track; and 4) the Long-Distance / Disconnect Track.  We discuss how to better resolve anger issues with God through a wide variety of means with a focus on practical solutions.  Dr. Peter emphasizes the importance of God images, felt safety and protection, a sense of trust, the infused virtue of Faith, courage and fortitude, and the critical role of emotional co-regulation in working through anger at God.    

1. Intro: Welcome to the podcast Interior Integration for Catholics -- the podcast formerly known as Coronavirus Crisis: Carpe Diem!  
   1. Interior Integration for Catholics brings to you each week the best psychological information essential for your human formation, knowledge that is fundamental in shoring up the natural foundation for your Catholic spiritual life.  
   2. In this podcast, we ask and answer the tough questions about the real problems we Catholics have in our day-to-day lives, our struggles in the natural realm, the psychological difficulties that keep us from fully loving our Lord and our Lady in a deep, personal, intimate way. 
   3. And we deal with these tough issues for one primary reason: to free you to love God our Father, Jesus our Brother, the Holy Spirit and Our Mother Mary more and more over time.  
   4. This podcast helps you focus inward on your interior integration -- to help you bring together the different parts of yourself into unity and harmony with God's truth, goodness and beauty
   5. Together, we are looking for a deep transformation in our mindsets, our heartsets and our bodysets, a radical transformation at the core of our being so that our souls unite with God and we can rise to the challenges and opportunities He provides us.   
   6. I’m clinical psychologist Peter Malinoski and I am here with you, to be your host and guide.  
   7. This podcast is part of Souls and Hearts, our online outreach at soulsandhearts.com, which is all about shoring up our natural foundation for the Catholic spiritual life, all about overcoming psychological obstacles to being loved and to loving God and neighbor
   8. This is episode 52, released on January 25, 2021
   9. This is the fourth episode in our series on sexuality and the second one on masturbation.  
   10. And it is titled:  Breaking Free from Masturbation -- A Roadmap  
   11. We're following up on our last episode, episode 51 -- The Top 10 Reasons Why Catholic Men Masturbate.
        
       1. In that episode, we covered the underlying psychological issues that fuel impulses to masturbate.
   12.  
       1. But it's not enough to just understand the issues more clearly
   13.  
       1. We need guidance on how to live differently, how to work with the entirety of ourselves -- all of our parts, all of our modes of operating -- in the area of sexuality.
   14.  
   15. So today, we're getting into answers for Catholics who deeply desire to have their sexuality ordered toward relationship, toward God, and toward their spouses or future spouses in a way that is life-giving.
   16. we're getting into answers for Catholics who experience masturbation as a dead-end, as a failed promise, as an inadequate answer for their deeper needs and desires. 
   17. We will get into the first four mistakes that Catholics make in their attempts to overcome masturbation
   18. And we will get into the 10 remedies for those first four mistakes
   19. Not just about masturbation -- you can take out masturbation and substitute in any other sexual problem -- fetishes, porn, sexting, sexual obsessions, sexual compulsions, excessive sexual fantasies, whatever
   20. Remember that I promised you a map, not a ride in a limousine or on a magic carpet to your destination.  It's a map, not an individualized treatment plan.  This is not therapy.  It's not magic.  You still have to make your own journey.  But this map lays out the terrain and the compass will provide direction for you on that journey.  
   21. Some of you have been suffering for a long time.  I get that.  God sees your efforts, he sees your good intentions.  
2. Focus of this podcast is on interior integration -- overarching goal in the natural realm.  Not talking about spiritual goals here, we are talking about the natural realm.  
   1. So we need a way of understanding and modeling interior integration and also its nemesis -- interior fragmentation.  
   2. I borrow heavily from Internal Family Systems approach, aka IFS approach, originated by Richard Schwartz.
       
      1. Really helps me clinically to understand the polarizations inside of myself and others -- the tensions, the conflicting desires and impulses, the internal tug-of-war, especially about moral issues that carry so much emotional weight, like masturbation
   3.  
      1. And IFS not only helps us understand our internal world, it guides us as to how to heal, how to change, how to grow in the natural realm.  
   4. 
      

This podcast is heavily influenced by IFS, but IFS grounded in a Catholic worldview.

1. Review of Parts -- IFS perspective
    
   1. Multiplicity and Unity of Self
2.  
   1. Really helpful for understanding why Catholic men do what they don't want to do.
       
      1. Romans 7:15 -- St. Paul's lament  I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate.
   2.  
3. 
   
   1. Discussion of Parts
       
      1. within each person are separate collections thoughts, emotions, attitudes, impulses, desires, abilities, interests, relational styles, body sensations, and worldviews that are not just transient emotional states, but rather constitute discrete “parts,” subpersonalities or distinct modes of operating within the person’s larger internal system -- they seem like selves within us. 
   2. 
      
      1. Each part within us can metaphorically seem like its own little person, with its own particular range of emotion, style of expression, abilities, desires views of the world. 
         1. Modes of operating
         2. Subpersonalities
         3. Orchestra model
         4. Focus is on integration.  
      2. Get forced into extreme roles -- attachment injuries and relational traumas
      3. Three roles -- exiles, managers, and firefighters.  
         1. Exiles -- 
            1. most sensitive -- become injured or outraged by important other in the family or social world.  Threatens the system, external relationships
            2. Exploited, rejected, abandoned in external relationships
            3. Want care and love, rescue, redemption
            4. shame.  Need for redemption 
         2. Managers
             
            1. Protective, strategic, controlling environment, keep things safe
         3.  
            1. Obsessions. Compulsions, reclusiveness, passivity, numbing. Panic attacks, somatic complaints, depressive episodes, hypervigilance.
         4.  
         5. Firefighters
             
            1. Stifle, anesthetize, distract from feelings of exiles
         6.  
            1. No concern for consequences
         7.  
            1. Binge eating, drug/alcohol use, dissociation, sexual risk taking, cutting
         8.  
      4. Parts can take over the person
          
         1. Like in Pixar Movie Inside Out -- anger taking over the control panel of the main character Riley
      5.  
         1. We call it blending.  
      6. 
         
4. 
   
   1. Intentions of parts -- always good, but the means they choose can be very harmful, maladaptive.  
5. 
   
6. Mistakes
    
   1. List of mistakes
       
      1. Considering masturbation as the primary problem. -- Gotta go deeper
   2.  
      1. Pursuing compartmentalization or fragmentation instead of interior integration
   3.  
      1. Going it alone
   4.  
      1. Using only the spiritual means
   5.  
      1. Six more common mistakes, but those are...

Today with our live audience, we start with 15 minutes of Q&A about narcissism addressing these questions: 1) Does acknowledging our own narcissism makes us more or less vulnerable to exploitation by another person? 2) Are children of parents with borderline personalities more likely to be attracted to narcissistic partners? 3)What is “healthy narcissism”?  Then from the 15-minute mark to the 50-minute mark, we engage in an experiential exercise together to encounter and connect with parts of ourselves with narcissistic features.  Afterward, we debrief and share our experiences addressing these topics and questions:  1) Can narcissistic approaches be helpful in certain situations or environments? 2)  Is narcissism the result of too much self-love or too little?  3) How can we get normal needs for affirmation met in non-narcissistic ways?  4) Why is it important to be gentle with narcissistic parts?  5) Why do narcissistic parts often sense themselves to be aged 2, 6, or 13?  6) Why is there such a “rush” or dopamine “high” when narcissistic parts receive the admiration and idealization that they seek?  

Who are you, deep inside, at the core of your being?  Who lives in the inmost chamber of your personhood?  Join us on an adventure to discover your core identity.  Catholic experts Dr. Gerry Crete and Dr. Peter Martin find the convergences and synergies in Scripture, the early Church Fathers, the Eastern and Western Catholic monastic traditions, Doctors of the Church, the medieval Catholic theologians, the writings of contemplative saints, and the magisterial teachings of the Church -- supplemented by attachment theory, Internal Family Systems and other parts and systems approaches in the modern era – all in the service of answering the question – “Who is my inmost self?”  What do the words inmost self, heart, soul, “nous,” and the “eyes of the soul” mean from a Catholic perspective?  We bring together the best of the old and new, the spiritual and the secular, to help you know who you are at your core, all grounded in an authentically Catholic understanding of your human person.  With an experiential exercise from Dr. Gerry, too.   For the full experience with visuals, slides, B-roll, conversation and discussion in the comments section and so much more, check us out on our YouTube channel here:  www.youtube.com/@InteriorIntegration4Catholics

1. Dr. Peter brings you inside the inner world of so many parents, spouses, children, and siblings of those who died by suicide.  Through an imagination exercise, research, quotes from family members, and the Internal Family Systems model of the person, he invites you to a deeper understanding of other others experience a loved one's suicide.  
2. Lead-in
    
   1. The world is full of ‘friends’ of suicide victims thinking ‘if I had only made that drive over there, I could have done something.’ —Darnell Lamont Walker  an artist; a writer, photographer, painter, and filmmaker.
3.  
   1. Ok, so we're continuing to discuss suicide here, we're taking on the tough topics
4.  
   1. And I want to start with a caution -- if you have lost a loved one to suicide, this episode may be really healing but it also may be really difficult.  If you are raw and struggling with a death, be really thoughtful about when and how you listen to this.  Pay attention to your window of tolerance and if it's too much right now, know that I respect that and I invite you to approach this topic in a way that is right for you, with help from a counselor, a spiritual director, a trusted friend, somebody you know.  
5. 
   
   1. Also, this imagination exercise will be hard to really get into if you're driving or engaged in other activities.  You can try it, but it's going to be really emotionally evocative for many people.  I suggest that you create a good space to engage with 
6. 
   
   1. Imagine looking through your front window and seeing a police cruiser pull up.   One uniformed police officer gets out and a woman in plainclothes and they slowly walk to your door.  They ring the doorbell.  You open the door.  The officer removes his hat and tucks it under his arm.  The man seems nervous and clears his throat.  The woman introduces herself and tells you she is the victims' assistance coordinator or something like that for your county.  She asks your name.  You give it.  She asks if they can come inside and talk with you.  "We have very difficult news for you," she says with sympathy in her brown eyes.  Your heart stops beating.  The officer looks away, he looks like he'd be anywhere else, rather than here with you.  You let them in, now only vaguely aware of your surroundings, the shape your living room is in right now.  
7. 
   
   1. From the couch, in a gentle, matter-of-fact and very calm manner , the victim service coordinator tells you that the one you so love, you so cherish in the world is dead.  She names the name.  Yes, it's verified.  Yes, there is no mistake.  How, how did this happen you ask.  The officer explains the details of the citizens' reports called in earlier in the day. He was the first law enforcement officer on the scene, got there just before the EMTs, he had photographed the body, taken notes, conducted the brief investigation.  His throat catches.  There are tears in his eyes.  He hates this part of the job.  He tells a few details of the suicide scene.  You need to know this, he says, I'm required to tell you.  The woman reaches out her professional hand to you, offering her version of compassion.  
8. 
   
   1. Observe what's going on inside you right now, as you enter into this scene in your imagination.  What is happening in your body, your thoughts, you emotions, your impulses, your desires? Let yourself enter into this experience
9.  
   1. The victims' assistance coordinator is discussing a few details "Things I have to tell you" she says.  Standard protocols in situations like this.  Something about confirming the identity in the morgue, something else about an autopsy.  Something about who you can lean on in your support network family and friends.  Something about how hard this all is to take in at once.  And there are some government forms to fill out.  And a very nicely designed brochure entitled "Surviving the Loss of a Loved One to Suicide" that you get to keep for handy reference.  Do you have any questions at this point she asks?  Yes, we are sure it's your loved one.  The identification was very clear, there is no mistake.  
10. 
    
    1. Stay with this experience for just a minute if you can without losing your grounding.
11.  
    1. See if you can just accept what's going on inside -- and acceptance doesn't necessarily mean endorsement -- see if you can accept what's going on inside and really experience it -- the feelings, the impulses, the assumptions, the thoughts, the beliefs, the implications, whatever is coming up.   
12. 
    
    1. Do you notice different parts within you?  Different modes of being, maybe different messages coming to you?
13.  
    1. You may just have experienced a taste, a sip of the cup that 300,000 parents, siblings, children and spouses of those who die by suicide experience each year in the US, and millions worldwide.  Hang on to what you learned about your reactions, keep it in mind as we dive deep into suicides devastating impact on those left behind.  [Cue Intro Music]
14.  
15. Opening
     
    1. Welcome to the podcast Interior Integration for Catholics, thank you for being here with me, it is good to be here with you, I am glad we are together as we face this difficult topic of suicide.  In episode I am clinical psychological Peter Malinoski and you are listening to the Interior Integration for Catholics podcast, where we take on the toughest topics, the most difficult and raw themes that many people want to avoid.  Interior Integration for Catholics is part of our broader outreach Souls and Hearts bringing the best of psychology grounded in a Catholic worldview to you and the rest of the world through our website soulsandhearts.com
16.  
    1. This is the fourth in our series on Suicide.
        
       1. In episode 76, we got into what the secular experts have to say about suicide.
    2.  
       1. In episode 77, we reviewed the suicides in Sacred Scripture, in the Bible.  
    3. 
       
       1. In the last episode, number 78, we sought to really understand the phenomenological worlds of those who kill themselves -- what happens inside?  How can we understand suicidal behaviors more clearly, dispelling myths and gripping on to the sense of desperation and the need for relief that drives so much suicidal behavior.
    4.  
       1. Today, in Episode 79, released on August 2, 2021 we will take a deep dive into the devastating impact of suicide on those left behind.  We'll go deep into the internal experience of the parents, spouses, children, siblings, and friends of those who killed themselves to see how they experienced suicide.  
    5. 
       
    6. Alison Wertheimer: A Special Scar: The Experiences of People Bereaved by Suicide said this: [Suicide] has often far-reaching repercussions for many others. It is rather like throwing a stone into a pond; the ripples spread and spread.  Now, Alison, with all due respect, I think you're totally wrong about that.  It's not just ripples from a stone in a pond. For the spouses, parents, children, siblings and friends who are left behind to deal with the impact of a suicide it's more like a tidal wave resulting from an underwater earthquake than ripples from a stone.  
    7.  Linda Lee Landon -- Author of Life after Suicide said this, which is much more on the money:  Suicide creates a monstrous emotional upsurge of sha...

(Please note that sound effects are used in this episode and may be triggering to parts.)

In this experiential exercise I invite you and your parts to approach Jesus in the psychological, emotional, relational, and bodily anguish He suffered in His humanity in the Garden of Gethsemane.  Which parts of you might avoid Jesus, turn away from Him in His suffering -- and why?  Here is an opportunity to gently learn more about how our parts react to Jesus and to gently connect with them in understanding and compassion.  

IIC 99 Why We Catholics Reject God's Love for Us and How to Embrace that Love

It is so common for Catholics (and others) to reject the love of God, to not let that love in.  Join Dr. Peter for this episode where we explore in depth the eight natural, human formation reasons why we refuse God's love. We also look at what Hell really is and why it really exists.  Through examples, quotes, and an exploration of Dr. Peter's own parts, listen to how this critical, central topic comes alive.  And then Dr. Peter presents the an action plan for accepting and embracing God's love. 

Transcript 

"It's very hard for most of us to tolerate being loved." That's psychiatrist and Harvard professor George Vaillant. The hardest thing about love for many of us Catholics, is to be loved--to tolerate being loved first. We can't love unless we take love in first. We can't generate love out of nothing on our own. We just don't have that power.

And the truth is, many Catholics make sacrifices great and small in their attempts to love others. Many Catholics go to great lengths to try to please God and to love their neighbor--very busy people, most parishes have a few of these always--volunteering, always working, always making things happen, St. Vincent de Paul, soup kitchens, corporal works of mercy, working so hard to live out the Gospel as they understand it, but it's all external. They are very out of touch with their internal lives. Their prayer lives are shallow and sketchy, and they're often really uncomfortable in their own skin. They will not tolerate silence, which is why they're always on the move--why they're always going, going, going.

The vast majority of us Catholics will not tolerate being loved deeply or fully by God. We shy away from receiving that love. We get so uncomfortable, we skirt around the edges of being loved. Or we allow love into us, but only so far--only so far. We set limits, we set boundaries, we won't let God's love permeate all of our being. We let the "acceptable parts" of us to be loved. Those parts that we allow in the shop window, those parts that we believe others will accept, those parts that we believe God likes. But to allow God to love all of you, including your nasty parts, your shameful parts, your disgusting parts, your hidden lepers, your sinful parts, those tax collector parts, those inner prostitutes and blasphemers, your Pharisee parts, the parts of you that are so lost and so isolated and so angry and hateful, those parts? Most of us will say "no way, no way does anyone get to see those parts if I can help it, let alone love those parts. Love those parts? That's crazy." How about your terrified parts, your desperate parts, your wounded, traumatized parts? The ones that no one seems to want? The parts of you that have been rejected by everybody, including yourself.

This podcast is for us Catholics who understand at least intellectually, that we have those parts. And that those parts need to be loved, and that those parts also need to be redeemed. Now for anyone out there who is saying, "Well, I don't think I have any parts like that, Dr. Peter, I don't have any problems being loved." Well, my response to that is one of two possibilities. Either you are 1) a very special person who has been freed from our fallen human condition, and you've achieved an extraordinary degree of perfection in the natural and spiritual realms, and if so, congratulations. You don't need this podcast. You don't need this episode. You are so far above the rest of us--I'm in awe of you. You don't need what I have to offer. That's the first possibility.

Second possibility? You don't know yourself very well. You are out of touch with yourself and your parts--you are disconnected inside. Unless you've reached a fair degree of sanctity, it is especially hard for you to tolerate being loved by God and our refusal to accept the love of God throughout all of us. That's the primary reason we don't love God back. That's also the primary reason we don't love our neighbor, and why we don't love ourselves. We won't be loved first.

God loved us first. It all starts with God's love, not our love. Heisman Trophy winner Tim Tebow in his book, 'Shaken' says, "We were created by love, in love and for love." And St. Paul, he tells us in Romans 5:8, "God shows his love for us in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us." God loved us first.

And the world does not know God. Christianity is the way to discover who God actually is--to discover who love actually is. 1 John 3:1, "See what love the Father has given us, that we should be called children of God; and so we are. The reason why the world does not know us is that it did not know him." What I want you to remember, St. John in his first letter says, "We love because he first loved us." We love because God first loved us, and it's up to us to take that love in, to let that love come into every corner of our being. And that doesn't sound easy, and it's not as easy as it sounds.

I am Dr. Peter Malinoski, a.k.a. Dr. Peter, clinical psychologist, trauma therapist, podcaster, blogger, cofounder and president of Souls and Hearts--but most of all, I am a beloved little son of God, a passionate Catholic who wants to help you experience the height and depth and breadth and warmth and the light of the love of God, especially God, the Father and our primary mother, Mary. What I want for you more than anything else is that you enter into a deep, intimate, personal, loving relationship with the three persons of the Trinity and with our Lady. This is what this Interior Integration for Catholics podcast is all about. This is what Souls and Hearts is all about--all about shoring up the natural foundation for the spiritual life of intimacy with God, all about overcoming the natural human formation, deficits and obstacles to contemplative union with God our Father, and with our Lady, our Mother.

We are on an adventure of love together. Episode 94 of this podcast focused on the primacy of love in the Catholic life. Episode 95 focused on trauma's devastating impact on our capacity to love. Episode 96 discussed how trauma hardens us against being loved. Episode 97 discussed how trauma predisposes us to self-hatred and indifference to ourselves, a refusal to love ourselves. And Episode 98. the last episode was all about ordered self-love, how we need to love ourselves in an ordered way in order to love God and neighbor, to carry out the two great commandments.

Today, we are going to take a step back. We're going to look at the most critical prerequisite for loving God and others. We are going to discuss being loved first, accepting the love of God first before we try to love. This is absolutely essential. The most critical mistake that most Catholics make is to refuse the love of God. Let me say that again. The most critical mistake, the most devastating, catastrophic mistake that most Catholics make is to refuse to allow God's love to transform us entirely, to make us into new men and women.

Let's start out with the order of love. First thing--God leads with love. God makes the first move. He created us, he moves toward us. We who he created, we who have fallen from grace because of original sin. We don't make the first move. God does. He loved us first, and he continues to love us first, and our whole mission, our whole purpose is to respond to his love in love.

I want to read to you a brief passage from Shawn Mitchell. He wrote an article called 'We Love Because He First Loved Us', and he is with Those Catholic Men. You can find this online. Shawn Mitchell says, "We love because he first loved us. These words from the first letter of John beautifully and s...

Joey Pontarelli joins guest host Dr. Gerry Crete to share the impact of his parents’ divorce on him as a child, the ways that divorce rocked his world, and his journey of recovery. And that journey of recovery includes his founding of Restored, a ministry for teens and young adults whose parents' marriages failed, giving them a place to share their stories, help for them to find healthy responses to an unhealthy family situation, to seek “integration, rather than amputation” of their internal experiences and to correct the lies beneath their fear, anger, and shame. 

Episode 33. –  Being Open and Coping Well          September 14, 2020.

 

Intro: Welcome to the podcast Coronavirus Crisis: Carpe Diem!, where by God’s grace, you and I rise up and embrace the possibilities and opportunities for spiritual and psychological growth in this time of crisis, all grounded in a Catholic worldview.   We are going beyond mere resilience, to rising up to the challenges of this pandemic and becoming even healthier in the natural and the spiritual realms than we were before.  I’m clinical psychologist Peter Malinoski your host and guide, with Souls and Hearts at soulsandhearts.com.  Thank you for being here with me.  This is episode 33, released on September 14, 2020 and it is titled: Being Open and Coping Well

 

Today we’re going to explore openness in the natural realm.  And as a special bonus, we will explore closedness.  

 

Abierto Cerrado.  

 

Review: 

 

Episode 32:  Ways to increase trust, especially given the negative experiences.  0-24 months.  Exercise – popular.  Need more of that.  

 

Episode 31  The One Thing You Must Have to Be Resilient.  The one thing that you need, the one prerequisite.  Absolute childlike trust

 

There is one thing that separates those who are resilient from those who are not.   Childlike Trust (particularly in God’s goodness and his Providence for me in particular) separate those who are resilient from those who are not.  Absolute confidence in God.    

 

Episode 30: discussion of why we mistrust God so much, and it is because we are trying to be way too big.  Trying to make it on our own we don’t feel safe.  Trust is faith in action.  

 

We hate and fear the dependency required to be in a real relationship with God. 

 

Reciprocal relationship between openness and trust.  

 

 

Why do I bring in Non-Catholic ideas:   What makes me different.  Not closed to new ideas.  

 

Catholic with a small c  -- universal.

St. Augustine:  On Christian Doctrine (De Doctrina Christiana)  

CHAP. 40.—Whatever has been rightly said by the heathen we must appropriate to our uses. Paragraphs 60 and 61  

Branches of heathen learning … contain also liberal instruction which is better adapted to the use of the truth, and some most excellent precepts of morality; and some truths in regard even to the worship of the One God are found among them.

 

Not only natural learning, but we can learn truths regarding the worship of God. 

 

Freud.  How many times have I heard Freud being dismissed out of hand by Catholics because of his views on religion.  I get it.  Freud:  God as an illusion, we’re like infants who need a big, strong father to keep us safe and secure.  A big daddy in the sky.  

 

Religion had its uses to keep the unwashed masses subdued so that civilization could develop.  We needed something to help us restrain violent impulses and keep life on earth from turning into an episode from Jerry Springer.  But now we have reason and science.   Reason and Science.  

 

I travel in a lot of traditional Catholic circles, I attend the Latin Mass, love the beauty of the ancient Mass.  Not a lot of traditional Catholic psychologists.  Consulted nationwide, coming to Indianapolis, lot’s of suspicion.   Lots of rejection of psychology

 

But listen to what Freud is saying – we need a father.  We have an infantile need for a Father. He says it more clearly than a lot of Catholic speakers do – which Catholic media personalities have you heard really driving home the point that we are little, like todders, like infants in our need.  Freud found part of the Truth.  

 

Pope Francis.  Not to bash the pope.  Not about that in Souls and Hearts or this podcast or the RCCD community.  

September 8, 2017 New Yorker    The Pope’s Shrink and Catholicism’s Uneasy Relationship with Freud

Pope Francis Sought Psychoanalysis at 42,” the Times headline read. Other outlets treated the news more salaciously—“Pope Reveals,” “Pope Admits.” Some noted that the psychoanalyst in question was Jewish, or that she was a woman. Below the headlines, though, the stories were the same: a French sociologist named Dominique Wolton had published a book of interviews with the Pope, and, buried on page 385, amid discussions of the migrant crisis and the clash with Islam, America’s wars and Europe’s malaise, was the four-decade-old scoop that had made editors sit up. “I consulted a Jewish psychoanalyst,” Francis told Wolton. “For six months, I went to her home once a week to clarify certain things. She was very good. She was very professional as a doctor and a psychoanalyst, but she always knew her place.”

Almost immediately, the news drew venom from the Pope’s detractors. A writer for the Web site Novus Ordo Watch, a mouthpiece of the ultra-conservative Catholic fringe—its slogan is “Unmasking the Modernist Vatican II Church”—insisted that Francis’s treatment by a “female Jewish Freudian” was “a really big smoking gun,” incontrovertible evidence that his “mind is saturated with Jewish ideas.”

Jorge Mario Bergoglio appears to have undergone such an experience before he became Pope. When he started psychoanalysis, he was in the last year of his tenure as provincial superior of the Jesuits in Argentina, 1979. The military junta’s Dirty War was raging, and it had put Bergoglio to the test. “I made hundreds of errors,” Francis told an interviewer, in 2013. “Errors and sins.” He described the period as “a time of great interior crisis.” Lucky him that he found a therapist who, mostly with the acutely focussed and patently empathetic listening that characterizes a good analyst, could enable his return to wholeness. “She helped me a lot,” he told Wolton.

Biology we learned about the double helix structure of DNA.  Beautiful.

 

that James Watson and Francis Crick discovered the double-helix structure of DNA in 1953.  1962.  Nobel Prize

 

James Watson:  Very anti-Catholic.  Anti a lot of things.  Racism, anti-semitism.  .  

 

He also said that while he wished the races were equal, “people who have to deal with black employees find this not true.” Cold Spring Harbor Laboratory

 

Infanticide   “If a child were not declared alive until 3 days after birth, then all parents could be allowed the choice only a few have under the present system. The doctor could allow the child to die if the parents so choose and save a lot of misery and suffering. I believe this view is the only rational, compassionate attitude to have.”

 

Raised Catholic, he later described himself as "an escapee from the Catholic religion." 

 

IIC 67:  Catholic and UnCatholic Sex in Catholic Marriages

Saturday, May 8, 2021

10:27 AM

1. The Windup – our common ground, a quick summary of where we are today
    
   1. Let's get down to it.  
2. 
   
   1. Most of us Catholic married folk have deep desires within us for authentic, loving, joyful, intimate sexual sharing with our spouses
3.  
   1. We want to be loving our spouses, we want to make love to our spouses in ways that are healthy, ordered, and holy.
4.  
   1. We want to know our spouses and be known, to accept our spouses and be accepted, to be loved and to love.
5.  
   1. And at least intellectually, we know that God  wants that for us too.  
6. 
   
7. The Hurdle:  The shared problem
    
   1. Or at least, we all had those desires in the past.  Maybe we've given up on them.  Maybe we're discouraged, disheartened. So many Catholic spouses are.  It's common and it's tragic.  But it makes sense to me.  Why?
8.  
   1. Because Sexuality is usually the trickiest and most difficult part of the marriage relationship. Let me say that again.  
   2. We want  deep, loving, joyful, intimate sexual sharing with our spouses
   3. But often there's pressure, shame, guilt, anger, conflict, tension, frustration, disagreement, disharmony, sullenness, withdrawal, disconnection, feelings of helplessness, avoidance, resignation and dozens of other painful experiences.  
   4. We are wounded in a lot of different ways, and those attachment wound, those integrity wounds impact how Catholic spouses related to each other sexually.  
   5. Sex is the most sensitive barometer
   6. God wants Catholic couples not to just have sex -- animals can and do copulate
       
      1. but ordered, healthy sexual intimacy.  
   7. 
      
   8. Stakes are high.  Our Lady of Fatima on Sexual Sins  Jacinta later revealed that according to Our Lady, “The sins which cause most souls to go to hell are the sins of the flesh,” or sins against chastity.
   9. For many Catholic spouses, the sexual situation can seem impossible
       
      1. 28% of Catholic marriages end in divorce, and it's probably safe to say that the sexual intimacy isn't great in those relationships
   10.  
       1. Many, many others suffer from significant problems and issues in the sexual relationship.  
   11. 
       
       1. There is no other area of Catholic life so fraught with complexity, nuance, so sensitive to disorder and dysfunction in the married life.  Why?
   12.  
       1. Because sex is so often wrenched out of context
           
          1. Procreation
       2.  
          1. Union, the bond of the spouses
       3.  
          1. Catholic spouses often look to their sexual relationship to solve problems that do not originate there.  
             1. Misuse of sexuality in the service of trying to get deeper needs met -- attachment needs and integrity needs.  Episode 62
       4. 
          
   13. But you know what?  There are solutions.  There are ways out, even for spouses who are really jaded, really disheartened and discouraged.  And we are going to talk about those ways out, the promise of solutions.  We're going to talk about the Good News of Catholic sexual married life today.
        
       1. All things, all things work together for good for those who love the Lord.  Romans 8:28.  All things.  No exceptions.  All things, St. Paul tells us, there is no asterisk or footnote that excludes your particular sexual situation.  All things.  
          1. The caveat -- for those who love the Lord.  That means childlike trust, great confidence.  
   14. 
       
       1. So many Catholic couples could have such a better life of sexual intimacy.  That is so possible, even though it may not seem believable, because of a history of disappointment, false starts, and discouragement.
           
          1. If you feel like you're Charlie Brown and I'm Lucy, holding a football for you, about to yank it away when you try one more time… I get that.  Stay with me, listen a while longer, and see if you find some new ideas, new ways of looking at things.  I know it may be that you've been married 20, 30 years or more -- but some and see what I have to say.  
       2. 
          
   15. 
       
   16. I am clinical psychologist Peter Malinoski, your host and guide
        
       1. This is episode 67 of the weekly podcast Interior Integration for Catholics
   17.  
       1. And it is titled: Catholic and UnCatholic Sex in Catholic Marriages
   18.  
       1. Thank you for being here with me
   19.  
       1. Interior Integration for Catholics is part of our online outreach Souls and Hearts at soulsandhearts.com
           
          1. Which is all about your human formation, all about shoring up your natural foundation for a solid Catholic spiritual life
       2.  
          1. We are doing a whole series of episodes on Sexuality in Catholic Marriages
       3.  
   20. 
       
       1. We are using the image of a Catholic canopied marriage bed.
   21.  
       1. And today, we are focusing on the the Fitted Sheet, the top sheet and the blankets
           
          1. Fitted Sheet -- Eros, the sexual attraction, the intensity of sexual passion, the actual physical, sexual contact
       2.  
          1. Top Sheet -- Communication between the Catholic spouses
       3.  
          1. Blankets -- Heartfelt warmth and affection, the emotional connection.  
       4. 
          
   22. 
       
9. The Vision  -- The inspiring option, the way over the problem
    
   1. Four Major point -- Four central concepts.  
      1. The human and spiritual formation of the spouse influence the quality of their sexual experience. 
      2. Sex always happens in a relational context
      3. The relational context influences the quality of the sexual experience between the spouses
      4. Sexual intimacy is a great good, but there are time when it may not be best.  
      5. Repeat the four points.  
10. 
    
    1. The human and spiritual formation of the spouse influence the quality of their sexual experience.  
       1. Human formation of the husband and wife are two of the four legs of the bed.  
       2. Focusing in here again on interior integration -- how integrated are we in the sexual sphere
           
          1. That sexual integration is going to depend on our human formation -- and on all the aspect represented in the Catholic canopied marriage bed check out Episode 58.  
       3. 
          
          1. Another leg of the bed is understanding ourselves and our spouse from an Internal Family Systems perspective, which I think is so helpful.  
       4. 
          
       5. As living human being, we have a unity -- each human person is one
           
          1. But also each human person has parts.
       6.  
          1. within each person are separate collections thoughts, emotions, attitudes, impulses, desires, abilities, interests, relational styles, body sensations, and worldviews that are not just transient emotional states, but rather constitute discrete “parts,” subpersonalities or distinct modes of operating within the person’s larger internal system -- they seem like selves within us. 
       7. 
          
          1. Each part within us can phenomenologically seem like its own little person, with its own particular range of emotion, style of e...

Episode 29. Magic Genie Gods and Party-Pooper Gods, August 17, 2020.

 

Intro: Welcome to the podcast Coronavirus Crisis:  Carpe Diem, where you and I rise up and embrace the possibilities and opportunities for spiritual and psychological growth in this time of crisis, all grounded in a Catholic worldview.   We are going beyond mere resilience, to rising up to the challenges of this pandemic and becoming even healthier in the natural and the spiritual realms than we were before.  I’m clinical psychologist Peter Malinoski your host and guide, with Souls and Hearts at soulsandhearts.com.  Thank you for being here with me.  This is episode 29, released on August 17, 2020 and the title Magic Genie Gods and Party-Pooper Gods.  Hang in there with me today through this episode and at the end, I will be walking you through an exercise to help you identify your God images.  

 

Brief review:  let’s go back and review, what are God images again? 

 

My God image how my heart feels God to be in the moment.  My God image is who my emotions tell me that God in this present moment.  My God image is very subjective, often driven by factors that are outside of my awareness in the moment, it can be miles away from who I know God to be when the sun is shining and the birds are singing and all is well with me and the world. .  So it is critical to understand is that your God images are not necessarily who you profess God to be with your intellect and your will.  They are the subjective, unfiltered, spontaneous, passion-driven representations of God that can vary wildly, sometimes even from moment to moment.

 

Similarly, my self-image is who I feel myself to be in the present moment, it is who my passions are telling me that I am right this minute.  M self-images are much more driven by emotion, much more intuitive, subjective, and they also vary a lot more from moment to moment.  My self image in the moment fits with my God image in the moment.  Sometimes the self-image can drive the God-image, and sometimes the God image drives the self-image.  

 

If you want more about God images, check out episodes 22, 23, and 24 of this podcast where I go into the concepts in much more depth.  

 

Jessica from Texas has been intrigued by God images – she’s taking us another step with this question:  

How do God images affect our relationships and reactions to others?  Repeat.  This is a great question.  

We’ve discussed God images and self-images and how they differ from our God concept and our self-concepts.  Similarly, our God images and self-images impact how we see others in the moment.  

Let’s consider an example.  If I’m really struggling with an Elitist Aristocrat God image, where my passions are telling me in the moment that God doesn’t need me, he’s too good for me, he has other people that he prefers, others who are much more in his favor, upon whom he bestows his gifts, his graces, and his love, with little for me.  If that’s how I’m seeing God in my God image, and my self-image is that I’m left out, excluded, denied, and the private of good things from God, this God image and self-image combination is going to have an impact on how I see others.  For example, I might experience jealousy toward my brother Phil whom I consider to be in God’s favor.  I may resent Phil, and if I give into this image of him, I will treat Phil out of that jealousy, by holding back good things that I could give him because I feel my brother Phil is already getting so much from God.  Why should I give him anything – he already has so much and I get so little from God.  I need to keep what I have.  

Let’s take another example.  With his Elitist Aristocrat God image, 24-year-old Ian might feel inadequate around Tina in their Catholic Young Adult Group.  Ian sees God favoring Tina in so many ways.  Ian feels unworthy of being around Tina, and therefore he refuses to engage with her, in order to avoid an exacerbation of his sense of shame.  So even though Ian is romantically attracted to Tina, he doesn’t ask her out because of the inhibiting effect of his God image and the self-image that goes with that Elitist Aristocrat God image.  

God images and their corresponding self-images impact the way we see all aspects of our lives.  Our perceptions of reality are profoundly influenced by our God images and are self-images, and this extends not just to how we experience others, but it reaches to the furthest corners of our minds and impacts all our internal impressions, not only of God and self, but of everything.  Our God images and are self-images create filters that color our perceptions of everything that has happened, that is happening, and that will happen in our lives.  Many of these perceptions and impressions do not enter into our awareness, but they impact us just the same.

In fact, I argue that we build an implicit religion around each of our individual God images.  Let’s take this slow and easy, because this has some conceptual depth to it.  

The Catholic Dictionary defines religion as the moral virtue by which a person is disposed to render to God the worship and service he deserves.  [Repeat]

Each warped God image demands certain things from us and informs us about how he is to be worshipped and served.  For example, the Demanding Drill Sergeant God image always wants more and more, he wants me to always strive harder, to exhaust myself in prayer and service to others.  So in my religion to that God, I put in long hours of volunteering, I push others to do the same, and I treat both myself and others harshly.  The Vain Pharisee God image demands that I grovel before him, and humiliate myself in order to give him constant homage, and credit for all success.  Therefore, in my worship and service to the Vain Pharisee God I’m extremely stringent and down on myself, and I degrade myself in my prayer and cut myself down in my Bible study group.  The Outtogetcha Police Detective God image insist on perfection, and enjoys catching me in sins of commission.  Therefore, part of my religion is to be very conservative, to only take on what I feel I can do without any mistakes, so I avoid the messy business of relating to others in a deep way and stay on the periphery of my parish community.  

 

Sometimes we can infer our God image from the religion we seem to be practicing.  For example, if I notice I am not praying, what might that say about my recently activated God images?  

So Jessica, thank you for this question of  How do God images affect our relationships and reactions to others?  How we react to our God images and how we react to our self-images in the moment colors are perceptions of everything.

 

In the previous four episodes of the Coronavirus Crisis: Carpe Diem!  Podcast, we have covered twelve God images from Bill and Kristi Gaultiere’s 1989 book Mistaken Identities.  I’m adding much more color and background to these God imagers, to make them come even more alive for us Catholics in our present day with the challenges of the coronavirus.  With a little imagination, you can see how these God images impact everything if we let them, if we give into them.  There’s no corner of our lives no detail of our lives that will escape being affected when we default to our problemat...

1. Intro:  
   1. This is it, this is the last episode in our 21 episode series on sexuality , our last episode of 14 in our subseries on sexuality in Catholic marriages, it has been a long run, thank you for being here
   2. We are finishing up with our metaphor of the canopied Catholic Marriage Bed 
      1. And today we'll be discussing the four bedposts, the canopy, and the bedskirt, bedspread and the shams with more examples.  
   3. I’m clinical psychologist Peter Malinoski and I am here with you, to be your host and guide.  
   4. This podcast, Interior Integration for Catholics, is part of Souls and Hearts, our online outreach at soulsandhearts.com, which is all about shoring up our natural foundation for the Catholic spiritual life, all about overcoming psychological obstacles to being loved and to loving God and neighbor.
   5. In this podcast, we confront the tough questions we Catholics have in our day-to-day lives, we confront head on our struggles in the natural realm, the psychological difficulties that keep us from fully loving our Lord and our Lady in a deep, personal, intimate way. 
   6. This is episode 70, released on May 31, 2021, entitled Catholic Sex and the Four Pillars -- and the Dos and Don'ts of Sharing about your Sexual Life.
2. Review of the bed
    
   1. Review the bed -- remember this canopied marriage bed represents the sexual life of a married Catholic couple.  
      1. The floor -- The Presence of God and His Providence -- everything begins here.  This is the most fundamental piece of the whole metaphor.  We need to be in contact with "I AM" with God who is the source of all reality.  We can't forget that
      2. The four legs
          
         1. Leg 1 -- the husband's commitment to his own interior integration and his own human formation
      3.  
         1. Leg 2.  the wife's commitment to her own interior integration, her own human formation
      4.  
         1. Leg 3.  Understanding Attachment needs and integrity needs.  
      5. 
         
         1. Leg 4.  Internal Family Systems  -- Episode 60 --  How well do you really know your spouse?
      6.  
      7. The frame and the box spring -- the firm, unwavering commitment of the husband his marriage vows and the wife to her marriage vows -- separately.  Independently
      8. The mattress  Empathetic attunement -- covered that in episode 65, last episode 
      9.  Two pillows:  Self-acceptance and Spouse-acceptance -- this is what we are focusing on today.  
         1. Pillows support us, comfort us.  
         2. Great security with pillows
             
            1. Pam travels with her pillow -- learned this from her friend Cabrina -- comfort in having your own pillow
         3.  
            1. Comfort in being accepted by someone who knows you.  
         4. 
            
      10. Bottom Sheet:  sexual attraction, the intensity of sexual passion
      11. Top Sheet:  Communication between the spouses
      12. The blankets:  human warmth, emotional connection
      13. Covering today Four Bedposts -- imagine two spiral intertwined, like the double-helix structure of DNA -- these are the four pillars of Catholic resilience, going all the way back to episode 4 of this podcast  
          1. Mindset
          2. Heartset
          3. Bodyset
          4. Soulset
      14. Covering today: The canopy and the curtains -- to protect privacy and propriety or to hide dysfunction, exploitation, even abuse.  
      15. Covering today:  The sham, the bedspread, and the bedskirt -- Used to cover up the real bed, give an impression of the state of married life to the world.  
3. 
   
4. Bedposts Four Sets
    
   1. Bodyset, Mindset, Heartset and Soulset
5.  
   1. Double helix structure -- the husband's strand and the wife's strand interwoven, entwined together like the double-helix structure of DNA rising up overhead, looking down on the bed
6.  
   1. Dynamism of Sets -- not static -- our sets shift, they vary as a function of our parts and what is activated and not activated within us in a given moment. 
7. 
   
   1. Descriptions review from way back in Episode 4 
      1. Bodyset is how our body affects us, how our physical reactions impact us and our dispositions and inclinations.  
      2. Mindset is essentially a frame of mind.  Our mindset is the position of our intellect, and how we apply reason to our situation and our experiences. 
      3. Heartset is the dispositions or the orientation of our heart, the emotional and intuitive ways of our heart.  
      4. Soulset is essentially our attitude of soul.  It is the disposition of our spirit, or how our souls is oriented.  It can operate independently of mindset and heartset.  Our soulset reflects how we see God, and how we see ourselves in relationship with God, how we see God viewing us.  Our soulset very much depends on the virtues we have acquired, especially the virtues of faith, hope and charity.  Our soulset is also very dynamic, it can change rapidly
8. 
   
   1. A lot of your human formation is being aware of your own sets -- Bodyset, Mindset, Heartset and Soulset
9.  
   1. So much of your empathy for your spouse will involve reading your spouse's sets -- Bodyset, Mindset, Heartset and Soulset
       
      1. Will this legitimate sexual experience be good for your spouse's mind, heart, soul and body, right now, in these circumstances?  
         1. Where is she emotionally, relationally with you?  How is she doing physically right now, how is her soul?
   2. 
      
10. 
    
    1. Paying attention to common, repeated relational patterns or cycles that happen between you and your spouse. 
11. 
    
    1. Our parts have very different experiences of sexual intimacy
        
       1. Definition of parts:  Discussed this at length in episodes 60 and 61.  Parts:  Separate, independently operating personalities within us, each with own unique prominent needs, roles in our lives, emotions, body sensations, guiding beliefs and assumptions, typical thoughts, intentions, desires, attitudes, impulses, interpersonal style, and world view.  IFS therapist Robert Falconer calls parts "insiders."  Each part also has its own approach to sexuality.  
    2. 
       
       1. One part may be blended within you 
    3. 
       
       1. Your spouse may be blended in a part
    4.  
       1. Parts can switch -- episode 61 Fractured, Fragmented Sex in Catholic Marriages described how parts in a sexual encounter can switch rapidly.  
    5. 
       
12. 
    
    1. Bodyset is how our body affects us, how our physical reactions impact us and our dispositions and inclinations. We are embodied beings, body and soul composites.  Our physical bodies have a huge impact on us.  So our bodyset is the impact of our bodily states on us.   For example, if we are exhausted from a lack of sleep – that has an impact on us.  Obviously our bodyset is dynamic and can change as well.
        
       1. Understanding bodyset is so important in marriage because the bodies of the husband and wife are so united.  
    2. 
       
       1. Body has a huge impact on our relating.  
    3. 
       
       1. The bodies of the husband and wife
           
          1. Genesis 2:21-25   So the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and he slept; then he took one of his ribs and closed up its place with flesh. And the rib that the Lord God had taken from the man he made into a ...

1. Summary:  In this episode, we focus on how unresolved trauma undermines and sabotages both our capacity and our inclination to love well.  We explore how unresolved trauma impacts each of the five characteristics of love -- compromising our ability to love in an affective (emotional), affirming, responsive, unitive and steadfast way.  We also dive into how so trauma pulls us to focus inward, and to protect ourselves, undercutting the vulnerability and willingness to engage that are required for deep love and we discuss hope for change.  
2. Lead-in
    
   1. They say love is blind, but it’s trauma that’s blind. Love sees what is.“ — Neil Strauss, The Truth: An Uncomfortable Book About Relationships
       
      1. And Neil Strauss is right on that.  Love connects with reality.  With God who is the ultimate realness, the ultimate being, the I AM.  
   2. 
      
      1. Trauma is blind and it blinds us.  That's what we are talking about today.  Trauma and its impact on live.  
   3. 
      
3. 
   
4. Intro:
    
   1. Dear listener, You and I are together in the adventure of this podcast, Interior Integration for Catholics, we are journeying together, and I am thankful to be with you.
5.  
   1. I am Dr. Peter Malinoski, clinical psychologist and passionate Catholic and together, Why are we here?  We are here together to bring you the best of psychology and human formation and harmonize it with the perennial truths of the Catholic Faith. So we can have the best of both.  That's why.  
   2. Today, we're going to take a broad perspective, a bird's-eye view of trauma's destructive consequences to our capacity to love.  What is the effect of trauma on our capacity and inclination to love?  That is the question for us to explore together today.  
   3. So welcome to episode 95,  of Interior Integration for Catholics, titled Trauma's Devastating Impact on our Capacity to Love, released on July 4, 2022, Independency Day in the USA,
   4. This podcast, Interior Integration for Catholics is part of our broader outreach, Souls and Hearts bringing the best of psychology grounded in a Catholic worldview to you and the rest of the world through our website soulsandhearts.com.  
   5. Review Trauma.  We are in the midst of  whole series of episodes on trauma.  So just a brief thumbnail review.  
      1. Started with Episode 88 Trauma: Defining and Understanding the Experience  Really important to understand the inner experience of trauma -- so you can recognize it in your own life and recognize it an empathetic and attuned way in others' loves.  Part of loving them.  
      2. Episode 89 Your Trauma, Your Body: Protection vs. Connection --  a current understanding of how large a role our bodies have in our experience of trauma.  Our bodies.  
      3. Episode 90:  Your Well-Being: The Secular Experts Speak  we review how philosophers and modern secular psychologists understand mental health and well-being.  In this episode, we look at the attempts to define what make us happy, from the 4th century BC to the present day.  Aristippus, Aristotle, Descartes, Freud, Seligman, Porges, Schwartz, and two diagnostic systems.  We take a special look at how positive psychology and Internal Family Systems see well-being.  
      4. Episode 92:  Understanding and Healing your Mind through IPNB  neuropsychiatrist Dr. Dan Siegel's Interpersonal Neurobiology (IPNB) and what IPNB can show us about psychological health.  We review the triangle of well-being, the nature of secure attachments, and the basis for mental health from an IPNB perspective.  We examine the characteristics of a healthy mind and how it functions, and the two signs that reliable indicate all psychological symptoms and mental dysfunction.  We discuss the nine domains of integration
      5. Three inner experiential exercises in Episode 93
      6. Episode 94:  The Primacy of Love  In this episode, I discuss the central importance of love as the marker of well-being from a Catholic perspective -- our capacity to live out  the two great commandments.  We explore how love is the distinguishing characteristics of Christians, and we discussed Catholic theologian Bernard Brady's five attributes or characteristics of love -- how love is affective, affirming, responsive, unitive and steadfast.  We discuss what is commonly missing from philosophical and theological approaches to love, and we briefly touch in the death of love and distortions of love. 
      7. So check those out if you haven't already.  This 

 

1. Going to address love in general -- focusing on loving
    
   1. In future episodes, will review
       
      1. Tolerating being loved
          
         1. Brady quxote
      2.  
   2. 
      
      1. Ordered self-love
   3.  
2. 
   
3. The experience of trauma screws up our loves -- where we go to find good.  It screws up where we are seeking, how we seek to be loved and how we seek to love.  
   1. St. Augustine:  
      1. He lives in justice and sanctity who is an unprejudiced assessor of the intrinsic value of things.  He is a man who has an ordinate love: he neither loves what should not be loved nor fails to love what should be loved. On Christina Doctrine, I, 27
      2. We need ordered love.  Why -- Bernard Brady put it -- Because we become like what we love.  Whatever we embrace in our love, we become like that person or that thing.  
      3. As Augustine considered the dissipation of this youth, he wrote "I loved beautiful things of a lower order, and I was going down to the depths."   Confessions.  
   2. So much of the problem with disordered love  comes from misdirected seeking to get your attachment needs meet.  That's the problem. 
      1. We have legitimate attachment needs  Trauma strips away our sense of 
         1. A felt sense of Safety and security
         2. Feeling seen, heard, known and understood
         3. Feeling comforted, soothed, reassured
         4. Feeling cherished, treasured, delighted in
         5. Feel the other person wills my highest good.  
         6. All from Brown and Elliott 2016, Attachment disturbances in Adults
   3. Where do we find our safety and security?  In both the natural and spiritual realms, we find it in attachment security needs being met.
       
      1. Five primary attachment security needs (Brown and Elliott)
          
         1. A felt sense of safety and protection, a deep sense of security, felt in my bones
             
            1. It makes it so much easier to love when we feel safe and secure.   
         2. 
            
            1. "People want to be safe, and comfortable. If safety and comfort is to be found in guns, then they will take up guns—of their own accord, in their own need. And when safety and comfort are found in libraries, then the guns rust.“ — Algis Budrys American writer  Source: Some Will Not Die (1961), Chapter 6 (p. 122)
         3.  
      2. 
         
         1. Feeling seen, heard, known, and understood
      3.  
   4. 
      

I want, by understanding myself, to understand others.“ — Katherine Mansfield New Zealand author 1888 - 1923

1. Being comforted, soothed, and reassured
2. Feeling valued, cherished, treasured, delighted in
    
   1. You are my sunshine published by Jimmie Davis and Charles Mitchell on January 30, 1940
3.  

You are my sunshine

My only sunshine

You ...

We explore the inner experience of Jesus and the psychological, emotional, relational, and bodily anguish He suffered in His humanity in the Garden of Gethsemane as the drama of of salvation history unfolded.  We also explored the reactions of the apostles Peter, James, and John to the experience of Jesus' agony.  

Episode 19:  Healing from Losses, Healing with Grief

June 8, 2020

Intro: Welcome to the podcast Coronavirus Crisis:  Carpe Diem, where you and I rise up and embrace the possibilities and opportunities for spiritual and psychological growth in this time of crisis, all grounded in a Catholic worldview.   We are going beyond mere resiliency, to rising up to the challenges of this pandemic and becoming even healthier in the natural and the spiritual realms than we were before.  I’m clinical psychologist Peter Malinoski your host and guide, with Souls and Hearts at soulsandhearts.com.  Thank you for being here with me.  This is episode 19, Healing from Losses, Healing with Grief, released on June 8, 2020.  And in this episode we really get into how do we heal?  How do we move through our losses and heal?

Story Time

Remember the story of Richard and Susan from Episode 17?  Let’s catch up with them and see how they are doing.  Now Richard and Susan have been married 28 years, and their three sons are 27, 25, and 23 years old, and all have moved out of the home and are very busy with their lives.  

Richard is 61 years old and is somewhat emotionally reserved – he was introverted, and didn’t talk a lot about feelings.  He is not that interested in religion, but usually attends Sunday Mass with Susan. He had risen in management at his international engineering firm, eventually leading a team of six in joint venture in artificial intelligence with a foreign company.   When that joint venture ended abruptly due to the other firm stealing intellectual property, and the coronavirus lockdowns happened, Richard was laid off.  With the worsening economic environment, it’s unlikely he will return to that position.  He is struggling with identity issues now, as he has been so invested in his work for so many years. After the layoff he initially kept himself busy with home projects and tinkering with go karts, but lately he has been much more withdrawn and spent much more time distracting himself on the internet, and also experimenting with day-trading stocks.  

Susan is 60, she is more extroverted, much more emotionally expressive with a wide circle of friends and acquaintances.  Susan is eagerly awaiting grandchildren now that her oldest son has married.  She had been hoping that with her husband home from work and their sons moved out, they would renew their relationship, but there is more distance than ever.  Susan has been troubled by the emotional distance in her marriage for the last 25 years, and doesn’t know what to do about it, and for several years there has been almost no physical closeness.  This is more acute for her now, that her social activities and connections have been curtailed by the social distancing restrictions.  

Twenty years ago, Susan experienced a real deepening of her faith and she began to practice it more seriously, with a regular prayer life an occasional daily Mass and regular confession.  She had a scare with breast cancer five years ago from which she recovered.  She continues to be in high demand as a professional translator in Spanish and Italian.   She has been deeply worried upon finding out two weeks that the first case of the coronavirus has been confirmed at her mother’s assisted living facility.  Now her 87 year old mother has shortness of breath, a fever, fatigue and a cough.  Now her mother’s health is failing rapidly as they wait for the results of a COVID-19 test.  Susan also recently discovered a pornographic pop up window on her husband’s home office desktop.   She asked her husband about it, but he said it was nothing.   

 

Quick review from episode 17, where we made clear some definitions.  

Loss: deprived of a real, tangible good.  Something good is taken from us – it can be the loss of an actual good, or a potential good.

Grief is our individual experience of loss –Grief is our reaction to the loss.  It’s our experience of the loss.  Psychological, physical, behavioral, emotional.   

Mourning is a public expression of our grief, it’s what we show to others.  Mourning is how we show our grief.  

 

For Richard

            Loss – loss of job, loss of income, loss of identity, confronting aging and physical decline (no more go-karting, too hard on the body)

            Grief – Six stages:  Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance, Making Meaning

expressed through increased activity initially, seeking distractions through focusing attention (excitement of day trading), seeking comfort in increased pornography use, emotional and physical withdrawal, numbing negative emotions

            

Mourning – façade of being unaffected, brushing off attempts at connection, consolation

 

 

For Susan:

            Loss – Loss of mother, loss of trust in her husband, loss of illusions about marriage

            Grief – Six stages:  Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance, Making Meaning

crying, sadness, anger at husband (sense of betrayal), body image issues (sexually undesirable) regret over lost time, “wasting her life” in the marriage, accepting her husband as he is and loving him anyway.  Concentration difficulties.  

            Mourning – sharing with friends, bereavement group, letter to Mom, writing poetry, prayer, reading, 

 

 

Helpful tips

 

1.       Remember that any loss that God permit is a gift.  He only permits losses to provide a greater good to the one who grieves.  We may not see that – we may only see it in a conceptual, intellectual way, and not feel it.  But our feelings do not dictate reality, and they don’t always reflect reality.  Romans 8:28.  All things work together for good, for those who love the Lord.  If we can conceptualize losses as gifts, we can look for the gift in spite of the grief, in spite of the pain.  

2.      Feel the pain of the grief.  Allow yourself to feel it.  Accept your emotions, whatever they are.  Don’t pack it away in amber.  This is what Richard originally tried to do – just wanted to move on with life, considered retirement, porn use to help him feel better, have a sense of control.  

a.       Allow the time for grief – packed schedule  -- Susan cut back her work schedule.  

b.      Allow for not understanding – when you are grieving you may not understand and that’s ok.  – relief comes not from understanding and knowing, but from confidence, trust, and relational connection.  Think of little kids.  

3.      Share the grief with someone you trust– a friend, friend, family member, counselor, confessor – talk about the losses.  Susan’s friend Valerie – listened to her.  

a.       Particularly important to share this grief in prayer.  With God.  With Mary, or with another saint.  Guardian angel.  Share it and listen.  

b.      Providential view.  We may not unde...

1. Summary:  In this episode, I invite you to explore and understand with me neuropsychiatrist Dr. Dan Siegel's Interpersonal Neurobiology (IPNB) and what IPNB can show us about psychological health.  We review the triangle of well-being, the nature of secure attachments, and the basis for mental health from an IPNB perspective.  We examine the characteristics of a healthy mind and how it functions, and the two signs that reliable indicate all psychological symptoms and mental dysfunction.  We discuss the nine domains of integration, mindsight, and the healthy mind platter, and I share my exchange with Dr. Siegel about whether and how IPNB can be integrated with Catholicism.  
2. Lead in:  Today I want to share with you an approach to understanding ourselves and guiding ourselves toward health that I am really excited about, that I think has great potential to help us in our human formation as Catholics.
    
   1. We are together in this great adventure, this podcast, Interior Integration for Catholics, we are journeying together, and I am honored to be able to spend this time with you.  
3. 
   
   1. I am Dr. Peter Malinoski, clinical psychologist and passionate Catholic and together, we are taking on the tough topics that matter to you.  
4. 
   
   1. We bring the best of psychology and human formation and harmonize it with the perennial truths of the Catholic Faith.   
5. 
   
   1. Interior Integration for Catholics is part of our broader outreach, Souls and Hearts bringing the best of psychology and human formation grounded in a Catholic understanding of the human person to you and the rest of the world through our website soulsandhearts.com
6.  
   1. We are continuing our series on how the best of secular psychological approaches define mental health, psychological well-being.  We started with Episode 89 on Polyvagal Theory and covered Positive Psychology, Psychodynamic Psychotherapy and Internal Family Systems in Episode 90.  
7. 
   
   1. Today's episode, number 92 is entitled "Understanding and Healing your Mind through IPNB"  and it's released on April 4, 2022.
8.  
   1. We are going to unpack what IPNB is, what is says about our human condition and I will share with you an exchange I recently had with neuropsychiatrist Dr. Dan Siegel, who brought this whole integrative framework into being, about whether IPNB can be reconciled with Catholicism.  
9. 
   
   1. Stay with me for a really interesting deep dive into this fascinating way of understanding ourselves and others.  
10. Interpersonal Neurobiology or IPNB
     
    1. Let's start by understanding what IPNB is.  Interpersonal neurobiology.  
11. 
    
    1. Breaking down the name interpersonal neurobiology
        
       1. Inter = between us, among us -- implies relationship.  Relational model.  
          1. Not just between you and me, but also between you and you -- inner relationships within you, inner relationships within me.  
    2. 
       
       1. Personal -- very relational.  
          1. Inter-personal and intrapersonal
          2. IPNB is all about the way my deep inner experiences connect with your inner experiences 
    3. 
       
       1. Neurobiology -- not just the field of neurobiology, but all the branches of scientifically studying how human development takes place and how we can promote well-being in our lives.  
          1. Neurobiology brings in all the embodied, physical dimension of our existence.  Our bodies, our brains, our whole nervous system and all of our embodied biology being, that what the neurobiology part refers to 
    4. 
       
       1. Interpersonal neuro-biology or IPNB -- works to be a wholistic approach to the human person.  
    5. 
       
    6. IPNB was developed in the 1990s by neuropsychiatrist Daniel J. Siegel who brought together more than 40 professionals, more than 40 experts from a wide range of scientific disciplines to discuss and demonstrate how the mind, brain, and relationships integrate to influence and change each other.  
    7. Questions that IPNB asks and addresses these questions, five questions standing out to me:
        
       1. What is the human mind?
    8.  
       1. How does the mind develop?
    9.  
       1. What does the human mind look like when it's doing really, really well, when it's functioning optimally?
    10.  
        1. How can we encourage, nurture and cultivate a healthy, strong mind?
    11.  
        1. How can we take what we've learned about the mind and find practical applications that make a real difference in our daily lives? 
           1. Guidance for how to live our lives
           2. Pointers for what may need to change in our thinking and behavior to help us live more fully.  
           3. Very practical -- not just academic ivory-tower, pie-in-the-sky speculation -- Daniel Siegel really wants IPNB to bring healing, growth and well-being to people.  I like that.  I'm into that. 
    12. 
        
    13. What IPNB is Not
         
        1. Not a therapy.  
           1. Not a way of doing therapy.  Rather, a way of understanding that can inform different schools of therapy. 
    14. 
        
        1. IPNB is not a discipline.  It's not a specific branch of knowledge. 
    15. 
        
    16. Rather, IPNB is a framework that draws on all the different disciplines with a rigorous and structured approach to studying things – not just science – They all have a place in the framework.
         
        1. It's a consilient framework:  
           1. Consilience:  E. O. Wilson  Assessing the universal findings discovered and recognized as real or true across fields and disciplines
    17. 
        
        1. The fields contributing to IPNB
            
           1. Anthropology
        2.  
           1. Art
        3.  
           1. Biology (developmental, evolution, genetics, zoology)
        4.  
           1. Chemistry
        5.  
           1. Cognitive Science
        6.  
           1. Computer Science
        7.  
           1. Contemplative Traditions
        8.  
           1. Developmental Psychopathology
        9.  
           1. Liberal Arts
        10.  
            1. Linguistics
        11.  
            1. Neuroscience
                
               1. Affective
            2.  
               1. Cognitive
            3.  
               1. Developmental
            4.  
               1. social
            5.  
        12. 
            
            1. Mathematics
        13.  
            1. Medicine
        14.  
            1. Mental Health
        15.  
            1. Music
        16.  
            1. Physics
        17.  
            1. Poetry
        18.  
            1. Psychiatry
        19.  
            1. Psychology
                
               1. Cognitive
            2.  
               1. developmental
            3.  
               1. Volutionary
            4.  
               1. Experimental
            5.  
               1. of religion
            6.  
               1. Social
            7.  
               1. attachment theory
            8.  
               1. memory
            9.  
        20. 
            
            1. Sociology
        21.  
            1. Systems Theory (chaos and complexity theory)
        22.  
    18. 
        
        1. All of these disciplines, all of these fields of inquiriy contribute to IPNB findings
    19.  
        1. IPNB also seeks a common language for these disciplines to be able to share and discuss about these big topics:<...

In this episode we explore in detail how Internal Family Systems can help with borderline dynamics.  We review the definitions of the innermost self and parts, the six attachment and six integrity needs, and we discuss the three major reasons why clients with BPD have been bruised and wounded by mental health professionals.  I review the seven tenets of Therapist-Focused Consultation (TFC) and then we walk with Tina from episode 127 as she begins IFS informed therapy, and how that therapy invites and includes all her parts, without the need for grounding exercises that suppress her exiles and firefighters.  This episode may be particularly helpful to Catholic therapists and counselors to not be afraid of or destabilized by those clients with borderline dynamics.  

In this live experiential exercise, Dr. Peter leads listeners through an experiential exercise that explores why anger might feel important, necessary, even indispensable for parts.  We look at how anger can develop from parts feeling forced to choose between attachment needs and integrity needs being met.  Dr. Peter and the audience members shared a lively, personal debriefing and discussion of their experience of the exercise.   

Fr. Mike Schmitz, Sr. Josephine Garret, and Archbishop Salvatore Cordileone engage us in discussing integrated personal formation at the National Eucharistic Congress.  Fr. Mike highlights the importance of silence, which is "the great magnifier" that allows us to know ourselves and draw closer to God. In a homily, Archbishop Cordelione exhorts us to rediscover the silence that sensitizes us to the sacred. Finally, Sr. Josephine links human formation to pastoral formation and discusses how we, as Catholics, we should take what the secular sciences have to offer and claim it for our own. Sr. Josephine also defines proper integration as allowing God to work through all the places of our life.  Join in to learn what these modern Catholic thought leaders share with us about human formation, along with some thoughts from Blaise Pascal and St. Augustine.  

1. Intro: Welcome to the podcast Coronavirus Crisis: Carpe Diem!, where by God’s grace, you and I rise up and embrace the possibilities and opportunities for spiritual and psychological growth right now, in these days, all grounded in a Catholic worldview.   We are going beyond mere resilience, to rising up to the challenges in our lives and becoming even healthier in the natural and the spiritual realms.  I’m clinical psychologist Peter Malinoski and I am here with you, to be your host and guide.  This podcast is part of Souls and Hearts, our online outreach at soulsandhearts.com, which is all about shoring up our natural foundation for the Catholic spiritual life, all about overcoming psychological obstacles to being loved and to loving God and neighbor -- it short, this podcast is all about relationships -- it's all about becoming much more relational in our lives and in our faith.  
   1. This is episode 45, released on December 7, 2020
   2. Thank you for being here with me.  
   3. and it is the ninth episode in our series on shame.  
   4. and it is titled: How Shame Leads Us to Idolatry
   5. We are now Diving into the spiritual dimension of shame.
   6. This podcast is all about transformation -- fundamental transformation of all of us -- all parts of us.  Even the parts we keep secret, hidden.  
      1. This podcast is all about removing psychological obstacles to following the two great commandments
      2. Not entertainment.  Not about having a good time, just enjoying a entertaining podcast, funny and distracting.
      3. No this podcast is about developing a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, a personal relationship with the Holy Spirit, a personal relationship with God our spiritual Father, and a personal relationship with the Blessed Virgin Mary, our spiritual Mother
      4. Any psychological obstacles you have to relating with others, you will have in relating to God.  
         1. You will bring those relational inhibitions, those relational problems into your spiritual life because they are formed into you and they have not been healed through experiencing throughout your whole being who God really is.   
         2. Spiritual realm is not some special place where the relational limitations you have are just dispensed, you're no longer trouble with them.  No, you are still you in the spiritual realm.  
      5. Any psychological issues you have with your earthly father and mother you will bring into your relationship with God as Father and Mary as Mother.  
         1. Child psychologist -- transferences
2. Two major assumptions in the natural realm for why we don't have a personal relationship with a loving God.
    
   1. Assumption 1.  We do not believe that we are worthy to be in relationship with God -- driven by shame
3.  
   1. Assumption 2.  We do not believe that God is worthy to be in relationship with us -- driven by negative God images -- see episodes 23-29
       
      1. Idolatry.  We are not worshiping God as He is. 
   2. 
      
4. 
   
   1. And here is the more tragic part:  We stay with those assumptions, even though they are so manifestly problematic and harmful.  We don't seek, we assume that assumptions one and two are true.  
5. 
   
   1. Her is the great offer I am making to you.  I am inviting you on an adventure, an adventure to discover who you really are, an adventure to discover who God really is, and adventure in learning to relate and to connect with our God, our God who is personal, who is relational, who is loving, who is Love Himself.  
6. 
   
   1. If you really knew who God was and you really knew who you are, and you really knew how God truly saw you -- you would always run to His loving arms.  You really would.  
7. 
   
   1. But you don't know these realities at a deep, integrated level.  We know them to some degree in our heads, in a theological way, in an abstract way, we can quote the Catechism.  But not in our hearts, our souls, and our bones.  
8. 
   
   1. In fact, at a gut level, at an intuitive level  the vast majority of us have varying degrees of certainty or confidence in very warped assumptions about ourselves and assumptions about God.  These assumptions are wildly different from what God reveals to us about who he is and who we are through Scripture, through Tradition, and through the perennial teachings of our Catholic Church.  In our hearts, in our bodies, in the depths of our souls, in our unconscious, We believe in lies.  This is so common.  And it's deadly and so much of it is driven by shame.  
9. 
   
10. Review of Shame
     
    1. Definition of Shame
        
       1. Explored this in a lot of detail in Episode 37, the first in our series on shame.  Shame is: 
          1. The primary problem we have in the natural realm -- foundational problem.  Grace perfects nature, if our natural foundation is infused with shame, it makes the foundation for our spiritual life shaky, unreliable, uncertain.  
          2. That gives birth to so many secondary problems -- we tend to focus on the secondary problems, the problems that are further downstream -- so we are not getting to the root.  
    2. 
       
       1. Shame is:  a primary emotion, a bodily reaction, a signal,  a judgement, and an action. (Click to episode 38 for a summary)
    3.  
       1. Qualities of shame
           
          1. Shame is hidden.  Hidden from others, hidden from God, often hidden from the therapist, hidden from self.  
       2. 
          
          1.   Shame inhibits positive emotions
       3.  
    4. 
       
       1. Strategies for coping with shame
    5.  
11. 
    
    1. Chronic shame needs to be attenuated, reduced, titrated, ordered, regulated. 
       1. Chronic shame develops when a little boy or little girl has a sense of being rejected, unwanted, a burden.  
       2. When the child changes behaviors, does what he can to be better in the eyes of the adult and still is rejected, he can conclude that he just is a bad kid.  
       3. The difficulty is in the response of the others -- the caregivers.  
       4. But the child bears the burden of shame caused by the shaming of the caregivers.  
       5. Child sees parts of himself that are unacknowledged and unacceptable
       6. Ostracized or invaded.  
12. 
    
    1. And we assume that God responds to us like our shaming caregivers -- soulset.  We generalize from our experiences of shame and assume that God is like those caregivers.  This is called a transference.  
       1. Transference is a phenomenon within psychotherapy in which the feelings a person has about their parents, as one example, are unconsciously redirected or transferred onto the therapist. It usually concerns feelings from a primary relationship during childhood.
13. 
    
    1. Ubiquity of Shame.  
14. 
    
15. Shame as the silent killer -- Episode 37
     
    1. Shame can lead to spiritual death. 
16. 
    
    1. Shame is the Silent Killer who Stalks you from inside  (episode 37) and despair is the murder weapon. 
17. 
    
    1. Spiritual view on this
        
       1. Primary struggle is against powers and principalities. 
    2. 
       
       1. Satan's goals -- personal relationship with you. 
          1. Satan is real, folks.  Big effort in certain very mainstream Christian c...

Have you ever wondered what inner work with Internal Family Systems looks like with troubling sexual issues?  Join us as podcaster and coach Drew Boa reviews an unburdening of three of his parts from a sexual issue with Dr. Peter and other Christian therapists.

1. Intro:  This is Interior Integration for Catholics, it's great that you can join us, and today we are wrestling with the deep attachment needs and the deep integrity needs that Catholic spouses have. 
   1. In this life, we all have deep attachment needs and deep integrity needs
   2. We all struggle with deep attachment needs and deep integrity needs -- whether we realize it or not.  
   3. And some of those needs are unmet.  They cause us difficulties and suffering and tension in our important relationships
   4. Those unmet needs are part of being human in our fallen world.    
   5. How we choose to handle those attachment needs and integrity needs really determines how well our close relationships, especially our marriages go.  
      1. How the husband chooses to address his attachment needs and integrity needs will have a huge impact on his relationship with his wife
      2. How the wife chooses to address her attachment needs and her integrity needs will have a huge impact on her relationship with her husband.  
   6. Meeting these attachment needs and integrity needs well is foundational, essential for you to have a psychologically sound, a solid marriage relationship.  
   7. Today, in episode 62 of Interior Integration for Catholics, released on April 5, 2021, the sixth in our subseries on sexuality in Catholic marriages
       
      1. And it is titled:  Unmet Attachment Needs, Unmet Integrity Needs 
   8. 
      
      1. we won't just lay out all the definitions of our terms
          
         1. what are attachment needs, Dr. Peter?  
      2. 
         
         1. What are integrity needs? 
      3. 
         
   9. 
      
      1. We're not just going to discuss how these needs impact the rest of the marriage relationship
   10.  
       1. We're not just going to explore how sex in the Catholic marriage bed is impacted by these needs and our responses to them
   11.  
       1. No, wait, there's much more
   12.  
       1. We're going to also dive into how do you engage with these needs constructively -- how do we start on a course of action to really meet these needs.  So stay with me until the end and you will get really specific recommendations for setting up a personalized program to have your personal set of attachment needs and integrity needs met.  
   13. 
       
       1. This is such an important area that we are going to spend some time on it, more than just this one podcast.
   14.  
   15. I am Catholic psychologist Peter Malinoski, and I am bringing my 20 years of experience in the clinical trenches with real Catholics with real problems to bear on this question of attachment needs and integrity needs in this episode for you.  
   16. This podcast is part of Souls and Hearts, our online outreach -- check us out at soulsandhearts.com
        
       1. Souls and Hearts is all about shoring up our natural foundation for the Catholic spiritual life, all about overcoming psychological obstacles to being loved and to loving God and neighbor.
   17.  
2. Brief Review 
   1. Each episode stand on its own, no need to review if you don't want to, if you're just jumping in here that's great
   2. I do review from time to time because reviewing helps with spiral learning, with retaining things
   3. And because this podcast is programmatic, episodes build on each other, we're not just doing little isolated soundbites of information, odd, assorted nuggets.
   4. This is meant to be a program in your Catholic human formation to help you focus inward on your interior integration -- to help you bring together the different parts of yourself into unity and harmony in the natural realm
   5. So let's do a quick rewind here, just to catch you all up to date:
   6. [Insert review/rewind sound effect]
   7. I introduced the model of a Catholic Canopied Marriage Bed to represent the sexual life of a married Catholic couple in Episode 58.  
   8. The Catholic Canopied Married Bed has these interrelated parts
       
      1. The floor -- A deep abiding trust in the Presence of God and His Providence -- we started here in episode 59
   9.  
      1. The four legs -- these four supports hold up the Catholic marriage bed.  
         1. Leg 4.  Internal Family Systems Approaches to understanding myself and my spouse
             
            1. Covered this conceptually in episodes 60 and again with a story of a Catholic couples' problems in a sexual relationship in episode 61.
         2.  
         3. Leg 3.  Understanding my own and my spouse's attachment needs and integrity needs   -- this is what we are focus on today.
             
            1. In Episode 57 we discussed how the one main psychological reason why Catholic marriages fail is our response and reactions to deep unmet needs
         4.  
         5. Leg 2.  the wife's commitment to her own interior integration, her own human formation
         6. Leg 1.  the husband's commitment to his own interior integration and his own human formation
   10. 
       
       1. The frame and the box spring -- the firm, unwavering commitment of the husband his marriage vows and the wife to her marriage vows -- separately.  Independently
   11.  
       1. The mattress  Empathetic attunement
   12.  
       1.  Two pillows:  Self-acceptance and Spouse-acceptance 
   13. 
       
       1. Bottom Sheet, the fitted sheet:  sexual attraction, the intensity of sexual passion -- the eros
   14.  
       1. Top Sheet:  Communication between the spouses
   15.  
       1. The blankets:  human warmth, emotional connection
   16.  
       1. Four Bedposts 
          1. Mindset
          2. Heartset
          3. Bodyset
          4. Soulset
   17. 
       
       1. The canopy and the curtains -- to protect privacy and propriety or to hide dysfunction, exploitation, even abuse.  
   18. 
       
       1. The sham, the bedspread, and the bedskirt -- Used to cover up the real bed, give an impression of the state of married life to the world.  
   19. 
       
       1. All of these elements work together.  Dynamic model, which can change over time.  
   20. 
       
3. The Windup / the Hurdle -- What is our situation here?
    
   1. [Definition time sound effect]:  Definitions:  We all have attachment needs and we all have integrity needs
       
      1. Hard to find good summaries of these needs, hard to find good definitions, so here are my definitions.
   2.  
      1. Attachment needs = The needs that a child has for a deep and enduring emotional and relational bond with a caregiver, usually a parent, who provides a felt sense of closeness, security, understanding, reassurance in times of trouble, for affection and warmth, and a sense that someone really is looking out for my best interests.  
   3. 
      
      1. Integrity needs --  drawing from self-psychology here, Heinz Kohut  = The needs a child has for a sense of identity has the following features:
          
         1. A separate existence from others --  I exist in my own right, a separate person
      2.  
         1. Is bounded, has boundaries
      3.  
         1. is stable over time and across different situations
      4.  
         1. Self is regulated
      5.  
         1. Is integrated -- coherent interconnections inside between aspects of experience -- self-cohesion
      6.  
         1. Is active, with agency, can effectively function in the world

Dr. Peter walks with you through what Sacred Scripture has to teach us about suicide, exploring the major episodes of suicide in the Bible from a historical and psychological perspective, grounded in a Catholic worldview.

1. Intro: Welcome to the podcast Resilient Catholics -- the podcast formerly known as Coronavirus Crisis: Carpe Diem!  That's right, in this new year we have a new name, and it's fitting because we have broadened our scope to do so much more than help you, our listeners deal with the Coronavirus Crisis.  
   1. When this started out.
       
      1. Coping skills, build resilience, not alone-- crisis management.  Now a long crisis.  
   2. 
      
   3. Now not just about making it through the coronavirus crisis
   4. Now we are really about increasing resilience through transformation -- a radical transformation of self, overcoming anything that gets in the way of us loving God our Father and Mary our Mother with the trust and dependence of a little child. 
      1. Resilience from a Catholic perspective
      2. And there are both great similarities and great differences in resilience understood from a Catholic Perspective and Resilience from a secular perspective
   5. Resilience through Human formation --  a lot more to say about this in the future. 
   6. We are still all about rising up and embrace the possibilities and opportunities for spiritual and psychological growth right now, in these days, all grounded in a Catholic worldview.    
   7. I’m clinical psychologist Peter Malinoski and I am here with you, to be your host and guide.  
   8. This podcast is part of Souls and Hearts, our online outreach at soulsandhearts.com, which is all about shoring up our natural foundation for the Catholic spiritual life, all about overcoming psychological obstacles to being loved and to loving God and neighbor
   9. This is episode 49, released on January 4, 2021
   10. and it is titled: The secret impact of our shame on our sexuality
   11. This is the 13th and final episode in our series on shame.  We are wrapping up that series, but we will be coming back to shame over and over again in future episodes, because of how central it is in our lives.  
   12. This is also the first episode on a new series of episodes, a new series all about sexuality.  
       1. We are going to spend time on sexuality and in the coming weeks we will address many topics, including masturbation, pornography, adulterous affairs, pre-marital sex, asexuality, homosexuality, and sexual trauma and its effects.  
       2. And we're going to get into the topic of sexuality the same way we do with all the topics on this podcast.
           
          1. We assume that what the Catholic Church has always infallibly taught to be true is indeed true, and then starting from that theological, philosophical and metaphysical base, we bring in the best of what psychology offers.  And we harmonize the best of psychology with what we know  to be true by Divine Revelation.  Here we don't try to reshape Catholicism to fit the latest and greatest woke ideas from the world about sexuality.  
       3. 
          
          1. So I will be coming from that Catholic base.  And that is a minority position in psychology -- if you want to know what the latest trends and beliefs are in the secular psychology community you can check out the guidelines that the American Psychological Association puts out on its website APA.org. This podcast is for people who really want to understand psychology harmonized with the perennial teaching of the Catholic church
       4.  
          1. And to that end, I invite feedback, especially if I teach anything that is in error.  Please get in touch with me at crisis@soulsandhearts.com or at 317.567.9594.  
             1. Citations -- Catechism, Canon Law, Denzinger's Compendium, Ludwig Ott Fundamentals of Catholic Dogma
             2. Don't email me and tell me that a confessor you went to ten years ago said that masturbation is normal and God doesn't mind it all.  That's not helpful.   
       5. 
          
2. Sexuality is such a huge and complex issue and so confusing for people.  One of the two most difficult topics for people to discuss.  The other one?  My relationship God, how I see God, all the personal or lack of personal connection with Jesus, with God our Father, with the Holy Spirit, with Mary, our Mother. 
   1. Sexuality is difficult and confusing for so many reasons
       
      1. Shame is at the center -- hard to talk about this because it is so personal and so intimate, and often so bound up with shame.  
         1. Sexuality not talked about, not discussed
             
            1. Modeling from parents -- conveyed a sense of embarrassment
         2.  
            1. No modeling from others
         3.  
            1. Deep feelings of incompetence, not knowing, not understanding
         4.  
            1. Not sure about what is normal and not normal, what is morally acceptable, what is not
         5.  
            1. Not wanting to embarrass a spouse or fiancé or girlfriend or boyfriend
         6.  
            1. Not wanting to make the listener uncomfortable
         7.  
            1. Not sure if the other person -- like a therapist -- will respect Catholic beliefs.
                
               1. Many clients reach out to Catholic therapists because of this fear -- if I am struggling with porn use or masturbation will this therapist inwardly mock my beliefs -- or outwardly say that masturbation is normal and porn use can enhance one's sexual experience.  
            2. 
               
               1. Many clients are afraid to disclose to a Catholic therapist their sexual experiences, for fear of being judged -- two-edged sword
                   
                  1. Some grounds for that -- some Catholic therapists are uncomfortable with hearing, may feel undue pressure to make sure some change happens,  May be overly concerned with their own "participation" in some way with sexual material coming up.  Not know what to do, and signal to the client that it's better "not to go there."  
               2. 
                  
            3. 
               
         8. 
            
         9. Sexuality part and parcel of our bodies, all about our bodies
             
            1. Body keeps the Score -- body is where we tend to hide all kinds of unresolved psychological issues
         10.  
             1. Catholics often hold Manichean and Jansenist ideas about the body.  
         11. 
             
         12. Catholics who are serious about their faith often have a propensity to start with self-judgement and self-condemnation, like at the end of a trial, without really understanding themselves well.
              
             1. Internal self-shaming
         13.  
         14. And all of this makes sense, makes sense, because almost all of us Catholic adults have sinned sexually.  
         15. Review of Shame (Episodes 37, 38 for full picture)
              
             1. Shame is:  a primary emotion, a bodily reaction, a signal,  a judgement, and an action. (Click to episode 38 for a summary)
         16.  
             1. Qualities of shame
                 
                1. Shame is hidden.  Hidden from others, hidden from God, often hidden from the therapist, hidden from self.  
             2. 
                
                1.   Shame inhibits positive emotions
             3.  
         17. 
             
   2. 
      
      1. And a Catholic view of sexuality, in which sexuality is ordered to what is good, true and beautiful is so different than what the world offers us. Moral issues
          
         1. Stating a standard -- even reading a Bible passage can be considered hate speech.  
            1. Cancel culture.  
      2. 
         
         1. Rule based rather than relationship-based approaches
      3.  
   3. 
      
      1. So many needs and messages being expressed

Episode 13:  Bodyset:  Loving and Reverencing Our Bodies – With Dr. Andrew Sodergren

John Paul II, in Theology of the Body.  The body is the sacrament of the person – there is a certain sacramentality of the body.  A sacrament makes something present, manifest in a concrete way.  The Body reveals the personhood. 

The body is essential for human beings in order to relate.  The body is essential for prayer.

Some heresies devalue the body (e.g. Manicheanism).  

God in his infinite holiness took on our human flesh.  This elevated the dignity of the human body.  

Our bodies are designed for a sacred purpose, like the sacred vessels for the liturgy.  Like we care for the sacred vessels, we need to care for our bodies.  

The way we dress can adorn the body or debase the body.  

It is valuable to reflect on how I have fallen short of honoring my body and those of others.  

 

Coronavirus Crisis: Carpe Diem

The huge mistake we make with our emotions in a crisis

Episode 7:  April 10, 2020

Let’s get right to it.  Today we are discussing the one huge mistake that we human beings tend to make with our emotions when we are in a drawn-out crisis situation. One major mistake that we all are prone to make when we are stressed.  

And we’re going to also not just discuss the remedy to that huge common mistake – but also we are going to practice that remedy.  I will walk you through an experiential exercise to help you rise above that common mistake and help you know yourself better.  So stay with me, here we go…

Cue music

Welcome to the podcast Coronavirus Crisis:  Carpe Diem where together we embrace the possibilities and opportunities for spiritual and psychological growth during this pandemic, all grounded in a Catholic worldview. I’m clinical psychologist Peter Malinoski with Souls and Hearts.  Thank you for being here.  

So what is the great mistake that many of us make with our intense emotions in a crisis?  In one word the answer is:  Neglect.  We neglect them.  We disregard them.  We don’t pay attention to them.  We avoid them.  We defend against them so that in an emergency they don’t keep us from being able to act.  And that is helpful in the short run.  

Imagine firefight on a battlefield where a soldier’s legs are wounded by shrapnel and he can’t move.  His buddy moves quickly and efficiently to stop the bleeding and is carrying him back to the medic for care.  It would not help his buddy to get overwhelmed with emotion, fear, or a sense of loss, or to remember in that moment all the good times they had together on base.  Temporarily, his buddy can keep out of conscious awareness all those memories and all that emotion to be able to focus on the demands of the moment.  And that is a gift from God.  

We naturally have defenses that keep some of our internal experience out of conscious awareness so we can function under stress.  We call them defenses because they defend us, they protect us against internal experiences that otherwise would overwhelm us, swamp us with their intensity.  Some clinicians call these defenses coping mechanisms.  

So what are these defenses?  You’ve heard of many of them – denial, repression, avoidance, dissociation – I have a list of about 50 of them that I consider when I’m doing psychological evaluations. The function of all of these defenses is to protect us from being overwhelmed by our experience, particularly intense emotional experiences.  The problem is that over time, these defenses all have costs.  There is a price to pay for using a defense.  The costs is often part of the defense itself – for example, getting hung over after drinking too much.  

But a cost common to all defenses is that are not as in touch with our emotions.  In general, people only deal with what they consciously experience and they assume that this is all that there is.  If I don’t feel it, it’s not there.   If a defense is working effectively, it keeps all or at least part of an emotion out of our awareness.  And when we don’t know what we are feeling we are at a disadvantage.  For example, we can’t share those experiences with other people or bring them to God in prayer.  We are not integrated, connected with emotion.  

Let me make comparison to the body.  There are some people with rare genetic condition who cannot feel physical pain.   It’s called congenital analgesia And it’s thought to be related to a genetic mutation that interrupts the normal functioning of pain messages in the central nervous system.  They don’t feel it when they burn their mouth with hot coffee, they don’t feel pain when they injure themselves in any way.  Some people might wish to have this condition – to live a pain free life!  But they tend to have short lives.  They don’t have the warning system to protect themselves.  

So an example.  Let’s say that you are angry with your spouse, but you have defended against that anger.  It’s likely to come out in your behavior, in ways that you intellect and will can’t address as effectively.  We call that enactment or acting out.  It’s a way of discharging some unconscious emotion through action.  Have you ever had the experience where you where pretty sure someone felt something toward you, but they weren’t aware of it?  Or how about the guy who insists in a frustrated, angry tone, that he is not angry.  “I’m not angry, why do you keep telling me I’m angry?!”  Often people believe what they are saying in those moments.  They are not in touch with their experience.  .  Floyd at the work.  He’s the last one – never complained. He’s enacting.  

So now we are weeks into this crisis.  It’s dragging on.  We’ve had time to build up emotions about it.  The problem is not that we have some temporary disconnect from intense emotion.  But when we don’t seek to understand ourselves, when we stay unaware of what we are feeling – then problems come in.

How can my emotions influence my actions when I am not feeling them?  Emotions signal important things going on within us.  They inform us about our experience.  And when they are kept out of awareness by defenses, there is a God-given pull for the trouble to come to the surface.  The more we repress and refuse to acknowledge an emotion, the more that emotion tries to get to the surface.  It’s like trying to keep a beach ball under the water.  

Or think about it this way.  Have you ever been in the presence of compassionate person and then all of sudden had an insight about what you’re really struggling with – a realization.  The love of the other helps the defenses to relax so the problem can come to the surface without overwhelming you.  

Remedy: Experiential exercise.  Not therapy.  Sounds really simple 

Importance of Gentleness with self.  

A very important aspect of heartset:  Willingness to look inside and own what is there.  Seek and ye shall find.  Slow down.  

You can find out.  Create the conditions.  

Mindset of acceptance of all your internal experience.   Be willing to own your emotions.  If we are, we are going to see things we don’t want to see.  Impulses, desires, attitudes, but also emotions.  Shame, grief, anger,  First and second moral acts.   Saints:  Discuss wretchedness not their wonderfulness?

Set aside

Time to feel.  

Space to feel.  

Relationship to feel

 

Note your reactions.

Drawing or doodling. Writing down in a journal – putting thoughts and feelings into words allows us to engaging the will and the intellect. 

Let me know how this exercise goes for you.  

Email me at     crisis@soulsandhearts.com Let’s stay connected. If you sign up at soulsandhearts.com for this podcast you will get the Wednesday morning email with extra tips and insider information, including sneak peaks.  For example, I will send you a list of the names of 50 or so defenses that I consider in evalu...

1. Intro: Welcome to the podcast Coronavirus Crisis: Carpe Diem!, where by God’s grace, you and I rise up and embrace the possibilities and opportunities for spiritual and psychological growth in this time of crisis, all grounded in a Catholic worldview.   We are going beyond mere resilience, to rising up to the challenges of this pandemic and becoming even healthier in the natural and the spiritual realms than we were before.  I’m clinical psychologist Peter Malinoski and I am here with you, to be your host and guide.  This podcast is part of Souls and Hearts, our online outreach at soulsandhearts.com, which is all about shoring up our natural foundation for the Catholic spiritual life, all about overcoming psychological obstacles to being loved and to loving.  
   1. This is episode 42, released on November 16, 2020
   2. Thank you for being here with me.  
   3. and it is the sixth episode in our series on shame.  
   4. and it is titled: Practicing Deep Listening:  Understanding King David's Shame
2. Introduction to IFS.
    
   1. Developed by Richard Schwartz  
3. 
   
   1. Discussion of Parts
       
      1. Discrete, autonomous mental systems, each with own idiosyncratic range of emotion, style of expression, abilities, desires views of the world. 
         1. Modes of operating
         2. Subpersonalities
         3. Orchestra model
         4. Focus is on integration.  
   2. 
      
      1. Get forced into extreme roles -- attachment injuries and relational traumas
   3.  
      1. Three roles
          
         1. Exiles -- 
            1. most sensitive -- become injured or outraged.  Threatens the system, external relationships
            2. Exploited, rejected, abandoned in external relationships
            3. Want care and love, rescue, redemption
            4. shame.  Need for redemption 
      2. 
         
         1. Managers
             
            1. Protective, strategic, controlling environment, keep things safe
         2.  
            1. Obsessions. Compulsions, reclusiveness, passivity, numbing. Panic attacks, somatic complaints, depressive episodes, hypervigiliance.
         3.  
      3. 
         
         1. Firefighters
             
            1. Stifle, anesthetize, distract from feelings of exiles
         2.  
            1. No concern for consequences
         3.  
            1. Binge eating, drug/alcohol use, dissociation, sexual risk taking, cutting
         4.  
      4. 
         
   4. 
      
      1. Parts can take over the person
          
         1. Like in Pixar Movie Inside Out -- anger taking over the control panel of the main character Riley
      2.  
         1. We call it blending.  
      3. 
         
   5. 
      
4. 
   
5. IFS on the Self -- (recorded)
    
   1. Self defined as the seat of consciousness
6.  
   1. Self can be occluded or overwhelmed by parts
7.  
   1. When self accepts and loves parts, those parts transform back into who they were meant to be
8.  
   1. Self-led mind is self-righting.
9.  
   1. self -- Active inner leader -- more than mindfulness
10.  
    1. Parts find the relationship with the self very reassuring
        
       1. But to reap the benefits they have to unblend from and notice the self
    2.  
       1. This is frightening can challenging to parts
    3.  
       1. Agency in the parts -- parts are making decisions about unblending in IFS model
    4.  
11. 
    
    1. Intrinsic qualities of the self
        
       1. Curiosity
    2.  
       1. Compassion
    3.  
       1. Calm
    4.  
       1. Confidence
    5.  
       1. Courage
    6.  
       1. Clarity
    7.  
       1. Creativity
    8.  
       1. Connectedness
    9.  
       1. Kindness
    10.  
12. 
    
    1. The self can be easily occluded, obscured, hidden by protective parts who take over in response to fear, anger or shame
        
       1. General state for most people is to be quite blended
    2.  
       1. Leads to self-absorption
    3.  
13. 
    
14. 3 levels of Listening -- Laura Whitworth, Henry Kimsey-House, Phil Sandahl & John Whitemore 1998  Co-active Coaching: New skills for coaching people toward success in work and life.    I am expanding their concepts.  
    1. Listening to --  Level 1 listening -- Listening with your mind -- Many people struggle with this
        
       1. Often called active listening
    2.  
       1. Listen carefully to what the person says
    3.  
       1. Grasping the content
    4.  
       1. Requires attention, concentration, taking in what the person is saying.  
    5. 
       
       1. Focus externally on the other person, not internally.  Not distracted by own self-focus
    6.  
    7. Listening for -- Level 2 listening -- Rarer.  Characteristic of very good therapists.  
       1. Listening in search of something-- filling in the gaps in the person's big picture
       2. What is beyond and behind the words?
       3. Holding it lightly.  Speculative endeavor.  
       4. Listening to what the person does not say
       5. Listening with the third ear  The "third ear," a concept introduced by psychoanalyst Theodor Reik 1983 Book , refers to a special kind of listening -- listening for the deeper layers of meaning in order to perceive what has not been said outright. It means understanding the emotional underpinnings conveyed when someone is speaking to you.
       6. What are we listening for?  
          1. The person's experience -- to grasp the person's experience
          2. Emotions
          3. Intentions
          4. Thoughts
          5. Desire
          6. Attitudes toward the world 
             1. Glass half empty or half full
          7. Impulses 
          8. Vision of the world
          9. Working models of the world, assumptions.  
          10. Values
          11. Purpose in life
          12. I listen for identity and for shame.  
       7. Listening for both the words and the entire context 
          1. 70-93% of communication is nonverbal -- Albert Mehrabia, Professor Emeritus at UCLA
              
             1. Voice -- tone, inflection, volume 38% of communication
          2.  
             1. Body language -- glance patterns, facial expressions (including micrexpressions -- smiling matters a lot), posture, fidgeting, head movements, hand gestures, 
          3. 
             
          4. Summarized in his 1971/1980 book Silent Messages
          5. Based on one word communications
          6. Challenged by Philip Yaffe debate about it.
       8. Faculty of imagination   -- What Aristotle called Phantasia activities in thoughts, dreams and memories.  
          1. imagination is a faculty in humans and most other animals which produces, stores, and recalls the images used in a variety of cognitive activities, including those which motivate and guide action (De Anima iii 3, 429a4–7, De Memoria 1, 450a22–25).
       9. Focus here on understanding, entering into the other person's perspective
           
          1. Taking in what the person means (in contrast to what the person says in Level 1) 
       10. 
           
           1. Not evaluating the merits of that perspective, not getting caught up in judging that perspective
       11.  
           1. Not looking to right wrongs, not looking for justice, not asking dee...

Dr. Edward Sri, Catholic theologian co-founder of FOCUS shares with us the origin story, how young Catholic adults are starving for love and truth. He lays out how FOCUS forms their missionaries to live out the four dimensions of personal formation (human, spiritual, intellectual, and pastoral) in a “vision for life.” He offers a pyramid model for the integration of formation with human formation as the base, and he describes how open FOCUS is to bringing in other Catholic organizations, apostolates, and professionals to help in the formation of their missionaries and those they serve. And we discuss where FOCUS missionaries can turn when they recognize they need help. 

Dr. Peter discusses some of his journey to harmonize psychology with Catholicism and invites listeners to get in touch with him as we form a community of Catholics who are committed to both human and spiritual formation and who are willing to put in the work to grow, even in this time of crisis and especially in this time of crisis.

1. Join me for a deep exploration of the ways our parts process grief in healthy ways, the back-and-forth alternating between focusing on the loss and looking at restoration.  Guided by the work of IFS therapist and author Derek Scott and by using a dramatized example of loss with resulting grief, we will explore the internal interactions among our parts that lead to such a multifaceted experience of grief.  We also examine the two paths of grief that Catholics can choose.  
2. Lead-In
    
   1. Intro -- activation warning
       
      1. What you are about to hear is a fictional dramatization of a car accident and Brian Moreland's internal reactions -- the reactions of his parts - to that accident and its effects on him over time.  
   2. 
      
      1. Listen with care and prudence -- if you have unresolved trauma responses surround a car accident, please be thoughtful about whether or not to continue.
   3.  
3. 
   
   1. News Story:  [Insert News Intro music]:  
4. 
   

And now out to James Fieldler, our roving KDTT reporter, coming to us live from the scene of a terrible accident earlier this evening, a really difficult story that we have been following for you.  James – what do you have for us?

 

[background traffic and rain and truck backing]  Terry, I am here just off the shoulder of I-94 Westbound, about  four miles west of Miles City, near mile marker 142.  Earlier this evening, an eastbound Ford pickup crossed the median into oncoming westbound traffic, striking a Honda Odyssey minivan at full speed and sending it careening through the guardrail, and rolling down this shallow embankment.  

 

In that minivan were a 37-year old man, a  33 year old woman, and four children ranging from about 9 to two years old.  From this angle, you can see how damaged this minivan was, nearly crushed as they are winching it up onto the wrecker.  Montana State police have just confirmed this was a fatal accident, that one of the children, about five years old has died of massive head injuries.  The man and two of the children have been airlifted to St. Alexius Trauma Center in Bismarck, no word on their condition right now. 

 

That is tragic, James.  What do we know about the others, James?

 

Terry, we have some good news, too.  The woman was able to walk away from the wreck.  EMTs used the jaws of life to break open the back of the van and rescue the other two children, who have also been transported by ambulance to Bismarck.  The  45-year old driver the pickup was shaken up and was taken to Holy Rosary Hospital in Miles City, apparently with minor injuries.  No one else was in the truck.  

 

What do we know about the cause?

 

The investigation is ongoing. As you can see, driving conditions were also difficult –  the rain coming down here.  There is some question about driver fatigue in the driver of the truck.  No word yet on any charges that might be filed, but it’s likely.  A source told me that the pickup driver’s license had been revoked for a second DUI.  There is no official word yet on whether alcohol or drugs were involved in this crash.  

 

Thank you, James, and we will continue to follow this story for you.  Our hearts and thoughts go out to all those involved in the crash, we wish them a rapid recovery.  Now on to Jeff Springer with sports, and the surprising finish to the Griz’s matchup with the Idaho State Bengals.  Jeff, tell us what happened at Washington-Grizzly stadium today in the rain? [Cut to Intro Music

1. Intro
    
   1. We are together in this great adventure, this podcast, Interior Integration for Catholics, we are journeying together, and I am honored to be able to spend this time with you.  
2. 
   
   1. I am Dr. Peter Malinoski, clinical psychologist and passionate Catholic and together, we are taking on the tough topics that matter to you.  
3. 
   
   1. We bring the best of psychology and human formation and harmonize it with the perennial truths of the Catholic Faith.   
4. 
   
   1. Interior Integration for Catholics is part of our broader outreach, Souls and Hearts bringing the best of psychology grounded in a Catholic worldview to you and the rest of the world through our website soulsandhearts.com
5.  
   1. Today's episode, number 83 is entitled The Internal Dance of Healthy Grief and it's released on August 30, 2021
6.  
   1. Heard a reenacted story about Brian Moreland, and I’ll be bringing that story in throughout todays episode to add depth and examples to the concepts 
7. 
   
8. Review: I encourage you to review the last episode, number 82 -- the many faces of grief inside us. 
   1. That episode goes over what happens to our parts when we experience grief?
   2. The experiences I'm about to describe are not the parts themselves. 
      1. Definition of a part --  Separate, independently operating personalities within us, each with own unique prominent needs, roles in our lives, emotions, body sensations, guiding beliefs and assumptions, typical thoughts, intentions, desires, attitudes, impulses, interpersonal style, and world view.  Each part also has an image of God and also its own understanding of self.  
      2. More than just one factor 
         1. More than just one emotion, more than just one desire or impulse 
         2. Rather -- a whole constellation of these qualities that endure over time, even if the part is not in conscious awareness in the moment.  
9. Adapted Dual Process Model of Bereavement
    
   1. Margaret Stroebe and Henk Schut originally the DPM in 1999 Death Studies article called The dual process model of coping with bereavement: rationale and description
10.  
    1. Derek Scott -- IFS Therapist, author and expert on grief adapted this model in his article Grief and IFS: Mapping the Terrain -- check that out at his website ifsca.ca
        
       1. two clusters of parts, two groups of parts.  
          1. one focused the loss -- looking back to the past, looking at what happened.
          2. One cluster of parts focused on  -- looking toward restoration -- looking to the future, managing the demands of life now.  
    2. 
       
       1. Let's expand on these two clusters.  
          1. one cluster is oriented towards the loss -- those are the parts that IFS Therapist and Author Derek Scott introduced to us in the last episode.  
             1. Focus on experiencing grief
                 
                1. Managers
                    
                   1. Disbelief
                2.  
                   1. Numbness
                3.  
                   1. Sadness
                4.  
                   1. Guilt
                5.  
                   1. Spiritual Bypassing
             2. 
                
                1. Exiles
                    
                   1. Depression
                2.  
                   1. Missing/yearning
                3.  
                   1. Protest (anger)
                4.  
                   1. Guilt
                5.  
                   1. Powerlessness/despair/resignation.  
                6. 
                   
                   1. Shame
             3. 
                
          2. the other cluster towards restoration -- These are new parts.  
             1. dealing with the new complexities in life for the bereaved that are occasioned by the loss
             2. Readjusting to the new reality -- conforms to Elisabeth Kubler Ross' stage of acceptance and Colin Parkes' phase of reorganization and recovery
             3. Activities
                 
                1. ...

Episode 23.   Sinning, God Images, and Resilience

July 6, 2020

 

Intro: Welcome to the podcast Coronavirus Crisis:  Carpe Diem, where you and I rise up and embrace the possibilities and opportunities for spiritual and psychological growth in this time of crisis, all grounded in a Catholic worldview.   We are going beyond mere resilience, to rising up to the challenges of this pandemic and becoming even healthier in the natural and the spiritual realms than we were before.  I’m clinical psychologist Peter Malinoski your host and guide, with Souls and Hearts at soulsandhearts.com.  Thank you for being here with me.  This is episode 23,  released on July 6, 2020 and it’s called Sinning, God Images, and Resilience.

I am really excited to be with you today, we have a great episode coming up, where we will be bringing together all the conceptual information from the last three sessions and seeing how it all works together in real life, in real situations, real adversity and real hardship, all from a Catholic worldview.  

Let’s start with a brief review, spiraling back to the critical concepts that we have been studying about resilience from a Catholic perspective.  If you are new to the podcast, first of all welcome, I’m glad you’re here.  All you need to know conceptually we will cover in the next few minutes or so.  You can review the last three episodes, episodes 20, 21 and 22 if you want to get into more detail about the concepts in this brief review.  

Let’s start with the definition of Catholic resilience – you will see how it is really different from secular understandings of resilience.  For our purposes, I’m defining Catholic resilience as “the process of accepting and embracing adversity, trials, stresses and suffering as crosses.  Catholic resilience sees these crosses as gifts from our loving, attuned God, gifts to transform us, to make us holy, to help us be better able to love and to be loved than we ever were before, and to ultimately bring us into loving union with Him.   

That is what I want for you.  For you to transform your suffering into a means of making you holier, more peaceful, and more joyful.   Not to take away any necessary suffering from you – not to take away the crosses God has given you.  I am here to help you reduce, to eliminate your psychological impediments to not only accepting those crosses but embracing them, and transforming your suffering into the means of your salvation.  You have to be resilient to do that, and not as the world sees resilience, but resilience firmly grounded in a Catholic understanding.    

Remember how we need a deep and abiding confidence in God, especially in God’s Providence in order to be resilient?  That resilience is an effect – it’s a consequence of the deep, abiding confidence in God, especially in God’s Providential care and love for us.  If you have the deep, abiding confidence in God and His providential love for you, you specifically, you will be resilient.  Repeat. 

Remember also how the main psychological reason why we don’t have that deep abiding confidence in God is because we don’t know him as He truly is.  We have problematic God images.  Our God images fluctuate, they can be as unstable as water. These are the subjective, emotionally-driven ways we construe God in the moment.  These are automatic, spontaneously emerging, and they are not necessary consented to by the will.  

These God images stand in contrast to our God concept, which is the representation of God that we profess, that we intellectually endorse, that we have come to believe intellectually through reading, studying, discerning.  It is the representation of God that we endorse and describe when others ask us who God is. 

When our problematic, inaccurate, heretical God images get activated, they compromise our whatever confidence have in God, whatever childlike trust we have in God.  So here’s the key causal chain:

Bad God images lead to lack of confidence in God, which leads to a loss of resilience.  

And psychological factors contribute to these bad God images.  Here’s the idea. Think about al little child.  12 months old or 18 months old, looking at his father.  To that toddler, his father seems like a God – really huge – probably 10 times his weight, more than twice his height, so much stronger than he is, able to do so much more in the world.  That toddler, as he comes into awareness about God, is going to transfer his experience of his parents and other caregivers into his God images.  

Here’s an important point for you to know as you wrap your mind around God images.  God images are always formed experientially.  God images flow from our relational experiences and how we construe and make sense of those images when we are very young. And that’s critical – we shape our first God images in the first two years of our lives.  Those first two years of life have huge impact on the formation of our initial God images.  And that makes sense, because our first two years of life have a huge impact on how we experience and understand relationships generally.  Our experience of other important caregivers, especially parents, but also grandparents and others shape our psychological expectations of what God is like.  And often we are not aware of those expectations.  Our assumptions may be unknown to our intellects, to our conscious minds.    Simply put, our God images are often unconscious.  Our God images may be unconscious, but they still affect us, they still impact us and exercise influences on us.  We can choose to accept that we have these problematic God images and deal with them directly, or we can deny that they exist and try to shove them away, ignore them, suppress them, and drive them into the unconscious.  

Ok, now for a little speculative Malinoski theology.  Bur first, you need to know that I could be wrong about some of these concepts that I am discussing.  Now I’m really serious about this.  As a professional who has teaches publicly and speculates publicly about the intersection of psychological and Catholicism, I am acutely aware that I can be wrong about things.  If any of you listeners, particularly those who are well formed theologically and philosophically, detect that I am ever teaching anything that contradicts the Faith, I want you to tell me.  This is really pioneering work we are doing together.  For more than a decade, I didn’t teach this kind of thing publically.  I wasn’t sure about getting into God images and God concepts, for example.  What if I was wrong?  What if I started leading people astray?  How can I be sure that don’t make mistakes?  And then I realized I was making the bigger mistake of burying my talent, the mistake of omission.  I needed to become more resilient.  To become more resilient, I needed to have a deeper and more abiding confidence in God.  I need to know at a deep level that whatever public teaching I did wasn’t happening in a vacuum, with God millions of miles away, leaving me to my own devices, letting me persist in my errors.  No.  God is near.  God is minding me, minding this store.  And if I fell down, if I went astray, He would come looking for me, like the shepherd who lost one of 100 sheep and left the 99 behind to find the stray one.  

So here’s the thing.  We hear about the First Commandment still from time to time, right? ...

1. Intro
    
   1. It is good to have you with us,
2.  
   1. Peter Malinoski, clinical psychologist
3.  
   1. Weekly Podcast Interior Integration for Catholics 
4. 
   
   1. Part of our Online outreach Souls and Hearts and soulsandhearts.com
5.  
   1. Which is all about your human formation, all about shoring up your natural foundation for a solid Catholic spiritual life.  
6. 
   
   1. Episode 66 Acceptance vs. Endorsement: A Critical Difference in Catholic Marriages.  
7. 
   
   1.  we are in the middle of a series on Sexuality in Catholic Marriages, but there is so much in here that is relevant about all kinds of close relationships.  
8. 
   
9. Where have we been?  Review the bed -- remember this canopied marriage bed represents the sexual life of a married Catholic couple.  
   1. The floor -- The Presence of God and His Providence -- everything begins here.  This is the most fundamental piece of the whole metaphor.  We need to be in contact with "I AM" with God who is the source of all reality.  We can't forget that
   2. The four legs
       
      1. Leg 1 -- the husband's commitment to his own interior integration and his own human formation
   3.  
      1. Leg 2.  the wife's commitment to her own interior integration, her own human formation
   4.  
      1. Leg 3.  Understanding Attachment needs and integrity needs.  
   5. 
      
      1. Leg 4.  Internal Family Systems  -- Episode 60 --  How well do you really know your spouse?
          
         1. In that episode, I made five bold assertions:
             
            1. You don't really know your spouse.  
         2. 
            
            1. Your spouse doesn't really know you.  
         3. 
            
            1. Your Father doesn't or didn't really know your mother
         4.  
            1. Your mother doesn't or didn't really know your father
         5.  
            1. And you don't really know you.  
         6. 
            
      2. 
         
         1. Gave evidence for those bold claims are likely, not going to repeat all that evidence here, you can go to Episode 60 and listen to them again.  
            1. For those of you listeners who are married:
                
               1. Can seem like spouse have such widely varying modes of operating
            2.  
               1. like they can be even different people when they are in these different modes of being. 
            3. 
               
               1. Remember what your spouse or someone close to you is like when they are different states -- like when they are really angry, or really sad, or really anxious or really happy.  How different they think, how their worldview changes in these different states.  
            4. 
               
               1. what we call parts:  Parts are constellations of emotions, body sensations, thoughts, feelings, impulses, assumptions about the world and so many other things.  
            5. 
               
               1. Internal Family Systems thinking help us to make sense of our own internal experience and others' internal experience, breaking us out of the model that we have just one monolithic, homogenous personality.  
            6. 
               
               1. That's what episodes 60 and 61 are all about
            7.  
            8. Surprising how not integrated the husband's internal object representations of his wife are -- surprising how unintegrated a wife's internal object representation of her husband can be.  How confused.  
               1. Definition time with Dr. Pete,  Definition of internal object -- Roots in Freud, really developed my Melanie Klein: Internal object refers to the mental representation that results from how we have taken others inside of us and viewed them.  Not necessarily similar to who the person actually is, it's how we construe the person to be, which depends heavily on our subjective experiences, including how we experience ourselves. 
               2. Two dimensional -- sometimes even one dimensional
                   
                  1. You are the person who is supposed to make me feel better about myself, help me avoid shame
               3.  
               4. Fragmented 
               5. How much husbands and wives don't see in and about each other.  
      3. 
         
   6. 
      

 

1. Three of these four legs are really helpful in accepting what the actual realities are inside your spouse.  
2. The fourth one is great to have, but it's not as essential.  It's the one that we sometimes require first, though
    
   1. Just tell me what's going on -- assumption that she knows what's going on.  90% unconscious.  
3. 
   
   1. Sometimes she just cant.  
4. 
   
5. The frame and the box spring -- the firm, unwavering commitment of the husband his marriage vows and the wife to her marriage vows -- separately.  Independently
6. The mattress  Empathetic attunement -- covered that in episode 65, last episode 
7.  Two pillows:  Self-acceptance and Spouse-acceptance -- this is what we are focusing on today.  
   1. Pillows support us, comfort us.  
   2. Great security with pillows
       
      1. Pam travels with her pillow -- learned this from her friend Cabrina -- comfort in having your own pillow
   3.  
      1. Comfort in being accepted by someone who knows you.  
   4. 
      
8. Bottom Sheet:  sexual attraction, the intensity of sexual passion
9. Top Sheet:  Communication between the spouses
10. The blankets:  human warmth, emotional connection
11. Four Bedposts -- imagine two spiral intertwined, like the double-helix structure of DNA
     
    1. Mindset
12.  
    1. Heartset
13.  
    1. Bodyset
14.  
    1. Soulset
15.  
16. The canopy and the curtains -- to protect privacy and propriety or to hide dysfunction, exploitation, even abuse.  
17. The sham, the bedspread, and the bedskirt -- Used to cover up the real bed, give an impression of the state of married life to the world.  
18. Lay of the land:  
    1. Loving -- three elements:  Benevolence, Capacity, Commitment/Consistency
    2. Not only do we not understand our spouses very well
    3. We also don't accept the realities about our spouses that we do understand 
    4. or the realities that we could understand if we allowed ourselves to see. But so often we parts that don't want us to see who our spouses really are.   Some of that is due to confusion between acceptance and endorsement.  
19. Acceptance vs. endorsement -- Definitions
     
    1. Acceptance -- acknowledging the reality of who I am in my entirety, all my parts with their burdens, all the roughness, the wounds, the disorder, the imperfections, all the baggage, all the "stuff."  It means admitting, conceding all the things that are really true about myself.  
20. 
    
    1.  acknowledging the reality who my spouse Pam is, in her entirety, in her complete being, with her parts, with her perspectives, with her virtues her vices.  Right at this moment
21.  
    1. Endorsement on the other hand.  means essentially approving or embracing as good some feature within myself or my spouse.  
       1. So husband can accept the idea that his wife is abusing painkillers without endorsing her misuse of pain medication.  
22. 
    
23. Why we struggle with accepting something about our spouse,...

1. Through dramatic reenactments, experiential exercises and the best of available resources, Dr. Peter brings you critical information to help you better love those near you who are struggling with suicidal thoughts and impulses.  Learn how to be a much better first responder in these situations and to be a bridge to additional resources for your loved ones who are considering suicide.   
2. Lead-in:  Imagine a young man, a teenager you care about, one you really love, a family member or friend, or the son of a friend, comes to you, in distress, and he shares this with you -- listen closely as he tells you what's on his heart. [insert script].
    
   1. So now you have this upset, desperate man in front of you, who wants to be dead.  
      1. What do you do?  How do you handle this situation?  
      2. But before we go there, let's start with you.  We created a scenario to evoke what might come up in real life when your encounter a loved one who is suicidal.  
      3. What do you notice going on inside you right now? 
         1. What is happening in your body?
         2. Emotions?
         3. Assumptions or beliefs about yourself?
         4. Memories, desires, impulses.  
         5. Replay the last clip
         6. What are parts of you saying to you about you right now?
         7. Really pay attention to those messages
3. 
   
   1. I will make a bold claim here -- the number one thing you struggle with in being a first responder to a loved one with suicidal levels distress is [drum roll]  your own internal experience.   
4. 
   
   1. The problem you have is not so much inside the distressed loved one.
5.  
   1. The problem you have is inside of you, deep within you.
6.  
   1. You get wrapped up in our own fear, shame, guilt, anger, or your own sense of inadequacy.
7.  
   1. Did you feel any of that that in this example, confronted with this teenager in such distress, who feels so strongly the desire to die?
       
      1. Did you feel uncomfortable, on edge, uncertain?  Anxious?  Ineffective, inadequate?  Responsible, but not knowing what to do?  Did you experience any self-criticism?  Any of those experiences?
   2.  
      1. If so, you’ve come to the right place.  I can help with that.  [Insert Intro]
   3.  
8. 
   
9. Intro:
    
   1. Welcome to the podcast Interior Integration for Catholics, I like being together with you in this whole adventure, as we learn about suicide and what to do about it, all grounded in a Catholic worldview. I am Dr. Peter Malinoski,, passionate Catholic first and clinical psychologist as well, and you are listening to the Interior Integration for Catholics podcast.  Thank you for being here with me.  Interior Integration for Catholics is part of our broader outreach Souls and Hearts bringing the best of psychology grounded in a Catholic worldview to you and the rest of the world through our website soulsandhearts.com
10.  
    1. This is the fifth in our series on Suicide.
        
       1. In episode 76, we got into what the secular experts have to say about suicide.
    2.  
       1. In episode 77, we reviewed the suicides in Sacred Scripture, in the Bible.  
    3. 
       
       1. In episode 78, we sought to really understand the phenomenological worlds of those who kill themselves -- what happens inside?  How can we understand suicidal behaviors more clearly, dispelling myths and gripping on to the sense of desperation and the need for relief that drives so much suicidal behavior.
    4.  
       1. And in the last episode, number 79, we took a deep dive into the devastating impact of suicide on the parents, spouses, children, siblings, and friends who were left behind.
    5.  
    6. Today's episode, number 80 is entitled "How to Help a Loved One Who is Suicidal." 
    7. We are getting into the nitty-gritty of what do you do when someone you are close to is suicidal? 
    8. In short, how do you love someone who is so distressed, so desperate, that they are seriously considering killing themselves?
    9. First a brief caveat -- I can't, in a single podcast episode, train you to be a crisis intervention specialist.  That takes dedicated training.  But you know what?  Most people with these suicidal levels of distress don't seek out crisis intervention specialists or therapists or counselors first.  They go to the people they know.  They go to the people whom they hope and believe will love them.  They go to you.  What you'll learn today is for your own information, to help you understand what's going on and how best to act as a first responder and a bridge to long-lasting help that can heal.  
11. Love your neighbor as yourself.  Diliges proximum tuum tamquam teipsum. Inflection of dīligō (second-person singular future active indicative)  The second great commandment.  Love your neighbor as yourself. Diliges proximum  tuum.  Love is a verb, an action.  So what if our neighbor is the teenager from our lead in today?  How do we love a suicidal person?  How do we love her?
     
    1. Definition of Love -- Charity -- caritas.   
       1. Benevolence -- bonae voluntatis in Latin, good will.  
       2. Capacity
           
          1. Understanding the other
              
             1. Operating in the mode of the receiver
          2.  
             1. Dependent on us understanding ourselves
          3.  
             1. Mistaking what is coming from who
          4.  
             1. Unconsciousx
          5.  
       3. 
          
          1. Capacity to choose the good -- Freedom.
              
             1. Well-governed self
                 
                1. Regulated
             2.  
                1. Organized
             3.  
                1. Calm. Compassionate
             4.  
                1. Good human formation
             5.  
          2. 
             
       4. 
          
          1. Possessing virtues
       5.  
          1. Possessing the knowledge and expertise in a situation.  
       6. 
          
       7. Constancy.  
          1. Need peace and interior integration'
          2. Being vs. doing.
       8. CCC 1829 The fruits of charity are joy, peace, and mercy.  
12. 
    
    1. Loving all their parts
        
       1. Definition of parts
           
          1. Suicidal distress makes so much more sense if we understand each person not as a uniform, monolithic, homogenous, single personality, but rather as a dynamic system including a core self and parts.  That helps to explain so much, including shifts over time.  
       2. 
          
          1. Definition of Parts:  Separate, independently operating personalities within us, each with own unique prominent needs, roles in our lives, emotions, body sensations, guiding beliefs and assumptions, typical thoughts, intentions, desires, attitudes, impulses, interpersonal style, and world view.  Each part also has an image of God and also its own approach to sexuality.  Robert Falconer calls them insiders.  You can also think of them as separate modes of operating if that is helpful.  
             1. Not just transient mood states, but whole constellations of all these aspects.
          2. Unintegrated parts are not focused on loving others
          3. Unintegrated parts can be exiled
          4. Parts often have very different attitudes toward suicide.  
    2. 
       
13. 
    
    1. Blending
        
       1. What is the key word here?  Blending.  

Episode 28.   Police Detective Gods, Pushy Salesman Gods, and Heartbreaker Gods – August 10, 2020

 

Intro: Welcome to the podcast Coronavirus Crisis:  Carpe Diem, where you and I rise up and embrace the possibilities and opportunities for spiritual and psychological growth in this time of crisis, all grounded in a Catholic worldview.   We are going beyond mere resilience, to rising up to the challenges of this pandemic and becoming even healthier in the natural and the spiritual realms than we were before.  I’m clinical psychologist Peter Malinoski your host and guide, with Souls and Hearts at soulsandhearts.com.  Thank you for being here with me.  This is episode 28, released on August 10, 2020 and the title is Salesmen Gods, Police Detective Gods and Heartbreaker Gods.

 

So will cover three more God images today, the Outtogetcha Police Detective God, Pushy Salesman God, and Heartbreaker God.  In the previous three episodes, numbers 25, 26, 27, we covered a total of nine God images.

 

Brief review:  let’s just spiral back and review, what are God images again? 

 

My God image is my gut-felt sense of God -- it’s how my heart feels God to be in the moment.  My God image is who my emotions insist that God is right here, right now.  My God image is very subjective, it can be miles away from who I know God to be intellectually, who I profess God to be.  So it is critical to understand is that your God images are not necessarily who you profess God to be with your intellect in your will.  They are the subjective, unfiltered, spontaneous, passion-driven representations of God that can vary wildly, sometimes even from moment to moment.

 

Similarly, my self-image is who I feel myself to be in the present moment, it is who my passions are telling me that I am right this minute.  M self-images are much more driven by emotion, much more intuitive, subjective, and they also vary a lot more from moment to moment.  My self image in the moment complements my God image in the moment.  

 

That’s a brief review of God images and self-images, but if you want more of a conceptual background for God images, check out episodes 22, 23, and 24 where I much more in-depth explanation of them.

 

So what is the connection between problematic God images and resilience?  Because remember, we are in a sequence in this podcast that is all about resilience.  Here is where we get right down to it.  We need a deep and abiding confidence in God, especially in God’s Providence in order to be resilient.  That resilience is an effect – it’s a consequence of the deep, abiding confidence in God, especially in God’s Providential care for us, His love for us.  If you have a deep, abiding, childlike confidence in God and His providential love for you, for you specifically, you will be resilient.  Period.  Full Stop.  Let me say that again, this is absolutely critical to understand.  If you have a deep, abiding, childlike confidence in God and His providential love for you, for you specifically, you will be resilient.  

Let’s keep in mind how the main psychological reason why we don’t have that deep abiding confidence in God is because we don’t know Him as He truly is.  We have problematic God images.  We give into those problematic God images, we default to them, we let them dominate us.  And these distorted God images lie to us about who God is.  They whisper half-truths to us and they draw us away from the real God when we give in to them, when we don’t resist them.  

These distorted God images also lie to us about who we are, leading to distorted self-images.  Note please don’t misunderstand me.  There usually are at least some elements of truth even in the most distorted God images and the most warped self-images.  The messages from these distorted God-images and these inaccurate self images aren’t purely false.  The messages actually have some kernel of truth in them, which can make it confusing for us.  

So here is the causal chain:

We have distorted God images à we give in to those God images, we let them dominate us à our self-image deteriorates à we drift away from God or we flee from him à we lose peace, joy, well-being  à we become symptomatic – anxious, depressed, apathetic, hopeless, whatever our symptoms are.  

Too often, we tried to intervene at the end of the causal chain.  We want to intervene at the symptomatic level.  For example, we may take antidepressants to try to knock out our depressive symptoms.  Or we might use progressive muscle relaxation or guided imagery or grounding techniques to reduce our anxiety.  I’m not condemning these practices, they can be helpful for symptom management.  But no medication in the world is going to correct a dysfunctional, distorted God image on its own.  Have you ever heard of any psychotropic drug that in its slick advertising promises to improve your relationship with God?  

Symptom-focused approaches don’t get at the root causes of our psychological distress.  They can create some space with symptom relief for us to more effectively address the root causes, but symptom focused approaches don’t heal those root causes on their own.

It’s also important to note that just because we have anxiety or sadness doesn’t mean we have a distorted God image driving it.  Our Lord experienced intense grief.  He experienced anxiety in the garden of Gethsemane.  This was not a psychological disorder.  Our Lady was anxious when searching for 12-year-old Jesus in Jerusalem.  This was not because she had some kind of anxiety disorder or emotional dysfunction.  So it’s important to note that not all negative emotional experiences or all psychological distress are an effect of problematic God images.  

So we had a great meeting last Friday night there were 13 of us from the Resilient Catholics: Carpe Diem!  Community in that meeting for a question-and-answer session about God images.  It was an excellent discussion.  This message came through clearly: Dr. Peter, Dr. Peter, help us resolve are problematic God images help us to work through them help us to heal from these burdensome distorted God images that drag us down.  I get it.  I hear you.  I’m with you.  I am working on how to present solutions to you.  

I am going ask for little patience.  I have nearly 2 decades of experience helping people one-on-one to work through their God images, and while I have a lot left to learn, I do know some things about it.  I am still very much sorting through how best to address God images in a podcast format, and how best to assist people with their problematic God images in the RCCD community.  Together, we are going to go through some trial and error with that.  

Right now, we are really focused on identifying different types of God images.  Identification of God images is an essential prerequisite to actually doing the God image work.  So I’m excited that people want to work on their God images.  

I’ve started having people sign up on the interest list for a course on God images that would focus specifically on resolving them.  If you’re interested in getting on that list let me know at crisis@soulsandhearts.com or at...

In this episode, we review the many ways we fail to love ourselves, through self-hatred and through indifference toward ourselves.  We discuss the ways that unlove for self manifests itself, contrasting a lack of love with ordered self-love through the lens of Bernard Brady's five characteristics of love.  We discuss the impact of a lack of self-love on your body.  I then invite you into an experiential exercise to get to know a part of you that is not loving either another part of you or your body.  

IIC 97 Unlove of Self

"Mourn not the dead that in the cool earth lie

dust unto dust

The calm, sweet earth that mothers all who die

As all men must;

Mourn not your captive comrades who must dwell

Too strong to strive

Within each steel-bound coffin of a cell,

Buried alive;

But rather mourn the apathetic throng

The cowed and the meek

Who see the world's great anguish and its wrong

And dare not speak!"

--Ralph Chaplain, Bars and Shadows

I am Dr. Peter Malinoski, clinical psychologist, passionate Catholic. This is the Interior Integration for Catholics podcast coming to you from the Souls and Hearts studio in Indianapolis, Indiana. This podcast is all about bringing you the best of psychology in human formation and harmonizing it with the perennial truths of our Catholic faith. In this Interior Integration for Catholics podcast, we take the most important human formation issues head on, without trepidation, without hesitation. We don't mince words. We directly address the most important concerns in the natural realm, the absolute central issues that we need to take on with all our energy and all our resources.

We have been working through a series on trauma and wellbeing. It started in Episode 88, and in the last episode, Episode 96, that one was called 'I Am a Rock How Trauma Hardens Us Against Being Loved', and that episode we discuss the impact of trauma on how we accept love from others, including God. In this episode, we're now going to address how trauma sets us up to refuse to love ourselves.

Welcome to episode 97 of Interior Integration for Catholics titled 'Unlove of Self: How Trauma Predisposes You to Self Hatred and Indifference'. It's released on September 5th, 2022. It is so good to be with you. Thank you for listening in and for being together with me once again. I am glad we are here and that we're exploring the great unlove of self.

The great unlove of self. Sort of like the uncola ads from 7-UP in the late 60s through the 70s, the 80s, even into the late 90s. Unlove of self. What do I mean by that? You might tell me that if I don't love myself, then I'm hating myself. All right, let's go with that. Let's explore self-hatred and self-loathing. Self-hatred. What is self-hatred? Self-hatred is hatred that's directed towards one's self rather than towards others. And there is an article titled 'Self-Loathing' by Jodi Clark. She's a licensed professional counselor at verywellmind.com where she says, 'Self-loathing or self-hatred is extreme criticism of one's self. It may feel as though nothing you do is good enough or that you are unworthy or undeserving of good things in life. Self-hate can feel like having a person following you around all day, every day, criticizing you and pointing out every flaw or shaming you for every mistake". Self-hatred, right? This is a critical thing.

Brennan Manning said, "In my experience, self-hatred is the dominant malaise, crippling Christians and stifling their growth in the Holy Spirit". Now, I'm not sure I agree with that. It depends on your definition of self-hatred. I'm more focused on shame and the fear of shame overwhelming the self. Those are such drivers of self-hatred. And you can see that in that in that definition that we just had from Jodi Clark, right. Undeserving of good things in life: criticizing you, pointing out every flaw, shaming you for every mistake. Shame, shame, shame. And Angel Plotner, the author of 'Who Am I?', Dissociative Identity Disorder survivor says, "Shame plays a huge part in why you hate who you are". Shame is so central. I'm going to invite you. I did a whole 13-episode series on shame episodes 37 to 49 of this podcast all about shame and trauma. So, so good to check that out if you haven't done it already.

Eric Hoffer said, "It is not the love of self, but the hatred of self, which is at the root of the troubles that afflict our world". And Basil Maturin says, "We never get to love by hate, least of all by self-hatred". So this whole topic of self-hatred, so important, so common, even when people don't realize it. Even when people don't realize it because so much self-hatred is unconscious. Laurie Diskin says "We cannot hate ourselves into a version of ourselves we can love". Self-hatred gets us nowhere. Self-hatred brings us to a grinding halt in human development and in spiritual development.

So let's talk about this. What do we mean when we're talking about self-hatred? The primary way that you hate yourself is for a part of you to hate another part of you. I'm talking about intra-psychic hatred. Hatred within you, for you, by you. This is self-hatred.

So I'm going to bring in an internal family system description of parts. Internal Family Systems is an approach to psychotherapy, and it holds that we are both a unity and a multiplicity. And in that multiplicity, we have parts. And parts are like separate, independently operating little personalities within us. Each part has its own unique, prominent needs, its own role in your life, its own emotions, body sensations, guiding beliefs, assumptions. Each part has its own typical thoughts, intentions, desires, attitudes, impulses, its own interpersonal style, its own worldview. Each part of you has a different attitude or position toward other parts of you, and each part of you has different beliefs and assumptions about your body. Robert Falconer calls these parts, "insiders". If you want to learn a lot more about Internal Family Systems, check out episode 71 of this podcast titled 'A New and Better Way of Understanding Myself and Others'. Parts are, in a nutshell, kind of like those little figures in the movie Inside Out. Remember anger and sadness and joy. They're these little personalities, like I said, within us. And every one of your parts has a very narrow and limited vision when that part is not in right relationship with your innermost self. Each of your parts usually has a strong agenda, something that they're trying to accomplish; some good that the part is seeking for you. And what happens when parts are not in right relationship with the self--if they're not working in a collaborative and cooperative way with your innermost self, is that they wind up polarizing with other parts. They wind up getting locked into conflict with other parts. And I gave some examples of polarization among parts in my most recent weekly reflection. That one was titled 'The Counterfeits of Self Giving', and that was published, that was sent out on August 31st, 2022. You can check that out at soulsandhearts.com/blog if you want to take a look at that and it discusses how parts get polarized around the idea of giving of self. And I talked about how a compliant surrenderer part can polarize with a feisty protector part within oneself. Or how a self-sacrificer part can polarize with a rebel part. So, I'm going to invite you to check that out, soulsandhearts.com/blog, go back to August 31st, 2022.

Now Bessel van der Kolk, in his excellent book 'The Body Keeps the Score', devotes all of chapter 17 to Internal Family Systems....

1. Join Dr. Peter to go way below the surface and find the hidden meanings of obsessions, compulsions and OCD.  Through poetry and quotes, he invites you into the painful, distressing, fearful and misunderstood world of those who suffer from OCD.  He defines obsessions and compulsions, discusses the different types of each, and evaluates two conventional treatments and one alternative treatment for OCD.  Most importantly, he discusses the deepest natural causes of OCD, which are almost always disregarded in conventional treatment, which focuses primarily on the symptoms.  
2. Lead-in
    
   1. OCD is not a disease that bothers; it is a disease that tortures. - Author: J.J. Keeler
3.  
   1.  “It can look like still waters on the outside while a hurricane is swirling in your mind.” — Marcie Barber Phares
4.  
   1. Poetry or word picture (prayer of the scrupulous)

 Aditi Apr 2017

 

1. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.  OCD.  That is what we are addressing today. 
   1. Here is what OCD is like for Toni Neville -- she says:  “It’s like being controlled by a puppeteer. Every time you try and just walk away he pulls you back. Are you sure the stove is off and everything is unplugged? Back up we go. Are you sure your hands are as clean as they can get? Back ya go. Are you sure the doors are securely locked? Back down we go. How many people have touched this object? Wash your hands again.” 
2. Introduction
    
   1. We are together in this great adventure, this podcast, Interior Integration for Catholics, we are journeying together, and I am honored to be able to spend this time with you.  
3. 
   
   1. I am Dr. Peter Malinoski, clinical psychologist and passionate Catholic and together, we are taking on the tough topics that matter to you.  
4. 
   
   1. We bring the best of psychology and human formation and harmonize it with the perennial truths of the Catholic Faith.   
5. 
   
   1. Interior Integration for Catholics is part of our broader outreach, Souls and Hearts bringing the best of psychology grounded in a Catholic worldview to you and the rest of the world through our website soulsandhearts.com
6.  
   1. Today, we are getting into obsessions and compulsions -- a really deep dive into what's really going on with these experiences.  
      1. I know many of you were expecting me to discuss scrupulosity today -- And you know what?  I was expecting I would be discussing scrupulosity well, but in order to have that discussion of scrupulosity  be well-founded, we really need to get into understanding obsessions and compulsions first.  I have to bring you up to speed on obessions and compulsions before we get into scrupulosity, and there is a lot to know
7. 
   
   1. The questions we will be covering about obsessions and compulsions.
       
      1. What are Obsession and Compulsions? Getting into definitions.  
         1. Also What are the different types of obsessions and compulsions, the different forms that obsessions and compulsions can take
         2. What is the experience of OCD like?  From those who have suffered it.  
   2. 
      
      1. Who suffers from obsessions and compulsions -- how common are they?  Who is at risk?
   3.  
      1. Why do obsessions and compulsions start and why do they keep going?
   4.  
      1. How do we overcome obsessions and compulsions?  How do we resolve them?  
         1. What does the secular literature say are the best treatments"  -- Medication and a particular kind of therapy called Exposure and Response Prevention
         2. Alternatives  
         3. Can we find not just a descriptive diagnosis, but a proscriptive conceptualization that gives a direction for healing, resolving the obsessions and compulsions  Not just symptom management.
   5. 
      
8. 
   
9. Definitions
    
   1. Obsessions
       
      1. DSM-5: Obsessions are defined by (1) and (2):
          
         1. Recurrent and persistent thoughts, urges, or impulses that are experienced, at some time during the disturbance, as intrusive and unwanted, and that in most individuals cause marked anxiety or distress.
      2.  
         1. The individual attempts to ignore or suppress such thoughts, urges, or images, or to neutralize them with some other thought or action (i.e., by performing a compulsion).
      3.  
         1. Not pleasurable
      4.  
         1. Involuntary
             
            1. My compulsive thoughts aren't even thoughts, they're absolute certainties and obeying them isn't a choice. - Author: Paul Rudnick
         2.  
            1. To resist a compulsion with willpower alone is to hold back an avalanche by melting the snow with a candle. It just keeps coming and coming and coming. - Author: David Adam
         3.  
      5. 
         
         1. Individual works to neutralize the obsession with another thought or a compulsion.  
      6. 
         
   2. 
      
      1. From the International OCD Foundation:  Obsessions are thoughts, images or impulses that occur over and over again and feel outside of the person’s control. Individuals with OCD do not want to have these thoughts and find them disturbing. In most cases, people with OCD realize that these thoughts don’t make any sense.  Obsessions are typically accompanied by intense and uncomfortable feelings such as fear, disgust, doubt, or a feeling that things have to be done in a way that is “just right.” In the context of OCD, obsessions are time consuming and get in the way of important activities the person values. 
   3. 
      
      1. Common Obsessions
          
         1. Sources
             
            1. What is OCD? Article by the International OCD Foundation on their website
         2.  
            1. WebMD article How Do I Know if I Have OCD? By Danny Bonvissuto February 19. 2020
         3.  
            1. Northpointrecovery.com blog What Types of OCD Are There? Get the Breakdown Here by the Northpoint Staff from May 3, 2019
         4.  
            1. Article entitled Common Types of OCD: Subtypes, Their Symptoms and the Best Treatment by Patrick Carey dated July 6, 2021 on treatmyocd.com
         5.  
      2. 
         
         1. Contamination
             
            1. Body fluids --- blood, urine, saliva, feces -   I gave my baby niece a serious illness when I held her --  I'm sure I got a disease from using the public restroom.  
         2. 
            
            1. Germs for communicable diseases -- may be afraid to shake hands, worried about catching gonorrhea
         3.  
            1. Environmental contaminants -- radiation, asbestos
         4.  
            1. Household chemicals -- cleaners, solvents
         5.  
            1. Dirt
         6.  
            1. If you put the wrong foods in your body, you are contaminated and dirty and your stomach swells. Then the voice says, Why did you do that? Don't you know better? Ugly and wicked, you are disgusting to me. - Author: Bethany Pierce
         7.  
         8. Losing Control
             
            1. Giving in to an impulse to harm yourself --  I could jump in front of this bus right now.  
         9. 
            
            1. Fear of acting on an impulse to harm others -- what if I stabbed my child with this knife?
         10.  
             1. Fear of violent or horrific images in your mind 
         11. 
             
             1. Fear of shouting out insults or obscenities -- 
         12. 
             
             1. Fear of stealing things
         13. &nbsp...

You loving you.  You bringing each of your parts closer to God, in a gentle, merciful way.  Dr. Peter Martin shares his insights on how we can love ourselves toward God, informed by attachment theory and Internal Family Systems, and grounded in a Catholic understanding of the human person.  He presents on “Internal Evangelization Therapy” – bringing in safe havens, secure bases, the “Circle of Security,” spiritual intercessors, the discernment of spirits, and how to “bypass the spiritual bypass.”  This episode focuses on how to bring home to God the “lost sheep” within us – the outcast parts, the inner lepers, the blind parts, the lame, the tax collectors, the parts condemned by other parts as sinners.  

1. Intro: Welcome to the podcast Interior Integration for Catholics 
   1. Interior Integration for Catholics brings to you in each episode the best psychological information essential for your human formation, knowledge that is fundamental in shoring up the natural foundation for your Catholic spiritual life.  
   2. Often said that if you want to start an argument, bring up sex, politics or religion.  Those are the tried and true, sure-fire ways to stoke disagreement among people.  
   3. This podcast helps you focus inward on your interior integration -- to help you bring together the different parts of yourself into unity and harmony with God -- so we're going to leave the politics and social justice questions and societal reform efforts and climate change and all those big-picture, macro-level, externally-focused topics out of our conversation, so that leaves us with sex and religion.  And we're going to take on both of them together because 
   4. In this podcast, we confront the tough internal questions we Catholics have in our day-to-day lives, we confront head-on our struggles in the natural realm, the psychological difficulties that keep us from fully loving our Lord and our Lady in a deep, personal, intimate way and living out our vocations, including our vocation to Catholic marriage which necessarily brings in both sexuality and religion.
   5. And we're dealing with sexuality and religion in this episode for two primary reasons: first to free you to love God our Father, Jesus our Brother, the Holy Spirit and Our Mother Mary more and more over time and 
   6. Second, to love you neighbor as yourself -- And who is your neighbor?  If you are married, your first neighbor, your closest neighbor, the neighbor toward whom you have the most responsibilities is your spouse.  Because of your marriage vows.  

I, Roger, take you, Sarah, to be my wife. I promise to be true to you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. I will love you and honor you all the days of my life. 

1. I’m clinical psychologist Peter Malinoski and I am here with you, to be your host and guide.  
2. This podcast is part of Souls and Hearts, our online outreach at soulsandhearts.com, which is all about shoring up our natural foundation for the Catholic spiritual life, all about overcoming psychological obstacles to being loved and to loving God and neighbor
3. This is episode 58, released on March 8, 2021
4. This is the tenth episode in our series on sexuality the second in our subseries on Catholic marriages 
5. Way back in episode 50, the second one in this series on sexuality, we explored what a healthy, ordered, fully Catholic sexuality looks like.  
6. Now we are zeroing in on sexuality within Catholic marriages and we're going diagnose some extremely common relational problems between Catholic spouses that get expressed through how they relate sexually.  
7. So this episode is titled The Catholic Marriage Bed.  The Catholic Marriage Bed.
8. So get ready, prepare yourself for light bulbs to switch on and shine brightly as we explore new and much clearer ways of thinking about sexual life in Catholic marriages, grounded in the perennial teachings of the Catholic Church and informed by the best of psychology. 
9. I'm doing this subseries on sexuality within Catholic marriage because I want you to have ways out of the sexual traps that so many Catholic married couple find themselves in, the negative cycles, the problematic repeating patterns that are so frustrating, that cause so much conflict and that harm people, even Catholic spouses who want to do the right thing.   
10. And even if you're not trapped, your marriage is sound, love is growing -- there is going to be so much in these episodes to deepen the understanding, the awareness, the empathy, the commitment, and the love.  
11. So we are discussing the marriage bed.  I'm using the image of a canopy bed to illustrate all the psychological and relational aspects in the natural realm that go into a vibrant, life-giving Catholic married sexuality.  We're going to be painting a word picture, a conceptual diagram of a canopy bed, with all the pieces of that bed named, labels and defined, and show how all the parts of the bed are essential to a grounded, peaceful, harmonious shared sexual life in Catholic marriage.   
12. But first let's review the Lay of the Land, the Current Situation
     
    1. We are going to start with a broad overview here.  Key Words:  Confusion.  Lot of confusion about sexuality in our culture today
        
       1. Wider array of generally socially accepted sexual practices in our land than has ever existed before.  
          1. Internet has provided a forum to bring together people who practice all kinds of 
    2. 
       
       1. Greater amount of disagreement about what healthy sexual life looks like
    3.  
       1. Moving away from natural law
    4.  
       1. Things that were obvious even 20 years ago, even 10 years are not being questioned
           
          1. Can a man become a woman? -- now an open question being debated in our society
       2.  
          1. Can two men and a woman all be in the same marriage?  Can a woman marry a dolphin?  In 2006, British millionaire Sharon Tendler married a dolphin named Cinderella, at the Eilat Reef.
       3.  
    5. 
       
13. 
    
    1. Lot of Confusion about what a healthy, ordered  Catholic Sexuality should look like -- reviewed this in episode 50
        
       1. Opinions:  Survey data -- wide variety of opinions on sexual morality
           
          1. Pew 2014 Survey of more than 7200 Catholics, 57% Favor or Strongly Favor Same-sex Marriages 
       2. 
          
          1. Pew 2016 survey of 817 Catholics only 8% of Catholics believe using contraception is morally wrong.  41% believe its morally acceptable and 48% believe it's not a moral issue.
       3.  
          1. Pew 2019 Survey of 675 adult Catholics -- 62% of Catholic said that casual sex between consenting adults who are not in a committed relationship is always or sometimes acceptable.  Only 22% of Catholics said consensual casual sex never acceptable.  
       4. 
          
    2. 
       
       1. Wide Diversity of Sexual practices among Catholics
           
          1. Hard to find solid, recent data on this.  Talking to people you find out things. 
       2. 
          
          1. What about oral sex, role-play sex, mutual masturbation, viewing pornography together, using sex toys together, and going beyond into anal sex, fetishes of various kinds, bondage and the list goes on and on.  
       3. 
          
          1. Global sex toy market -- $34 billion  $4.50 for every man woman and child.  Tens of billions, estimates ranging up to $100 billion per year for porn.   
       4. 
          
    3. 
       
       1. But much more personally, for many Catholic spouses their sexual experiences in marriage are a great source of distress, pain, confusion  
          1. Internal conflicts about what is morally right and wrong
          2. Disagreements about sexual practices between Catholic spouses -- limited conflict resolutions'
          3. Inability for Catholic spouses to communicate about intimate sexual matters 
          4. Feeling devalued in the sexual aspects of the marital relationship
          5. Feeling used sexually, exploited, neglected.  
          6. High levels of dissatisfaction in the sexual relationship and intimacy more generally
          7. Not feeling seen, known, heard, understood, accepted as ...

What does Catholic parts work look like in action? Join Dr. Peter as he accompanies David and Ian as they connect with not only their manager parts but also some of their exiled parts in these demonstrations. These demonstrations illustrates very typical ways of working with parts in an accompanied way. We address themes of safety, fears of looking weak, play, body sensations, the need for excellence, and the importance of mission, among others. You are invited into the “observer role” to connect with your own parts in your human formation as you experience the demo and your parts resonate with parts coming up in Ian and David’s work. 

Episode 25.  Drill Sergeant Gods, Statue Gods, and Preoccupied Manager Gods, Oh My…

July 13, 2020

 

Intro: Welcome to the podcast Coronavirus Crisis:  Carpe Diem, where you and I rise up and embrace the possibilities and opportunities for spiritual and psychological growth in this time of crisis, all grounded in a Catholic worldview.   We are going beyond mere resilience, to rising up to the challenges of this pandemic and becoming even healthier in the natural and the spiritual realms than we were before.  I’m clinical psychologist Peter Malinoski your host and guide, with Souls and Hearts at soulsandhearts.com.  Thank you for being here with me.  This is episode 25,  released on July 20, 2020 and it’s called Drill Sergeant Gods, Statue Gods, and Preoccupied Manager Gods, Oh My…

 

Self-concept: This what we intellectually believe about ourselves, who we profess ourselves to be, what we understand about ourselves, our mental construct of ourselves.  The self-concept of a practicing Catholic, for example, may include being a beloved child of God.  There’s a link between God concepts and Self-concepts – they go together, they harmonize.  Loving Shepherd, little sheep.  

 

Self-images on the other hand, are much more emotionally driven, much more intuitive, subjective, and they vary a lot more from moment to moment.    These go together with God images – they impact each other 

 

My God image is my emotional and subjective experience of God, who I feel God to be in the moment.  May or may not correspond to who God really is.  

 

Initially my God images are shaped by the relationship that I have with my parents.  This is my experiential sense how my feelings and how my heart interpret God.  My God images are heavily influenced by psychological factors, and different God images can be activated at different times, depending on my emotional states and what psychological mode I am in at a given time.  

 

God images are always formed experientially.  God images flow from our relational experiences and how we construe and make sense of those images when we are very young. 

 

My God images can be and usually are radically different than my God concept.

 

My God concept   What I profess about God.  It is my more intellectual understanding of God, based on what one has been taught, but also based on what I have explored through reading.  I decide to believe in my God concept.  Reflected in the Creed, expanded in the Catechism, formal teaching.  

 

So in the text exchange with a listener who I will call Beth, because that’s her name, Beth told me that she was having a hard time figuring out her own God images.  So I thought I would bring in the best resource

 

 

 

 

Mistaken Identity William and Kristi Gaultiere  1989 Fleming H. Revell  -- 3 decades ago. 

 

14 Unloving God images – drawn from I Corinthians 13, 4-7.  

 

Preoccupied manager director God

Statue God

Robber God

Vain Pharisee God

Elitist aristocrat God

Pushy salesman God

Magic Genie God

Demanding drill sergeant God

Outtogetcha Police Detective God

Unjust dictator God 

Marshmallow God

Critical Scrooge God

Party-pooper God

Heartbreaker God  

 

Preoccupied Managing Director God:  God is busy running the world, but God doesn’t take the initiative, time, or energy to really relate with me, to connect with me. God cares about me, but he is overtaxed.  He is impatient, it is hard to get His attention.  God may want to give more to everyone, but He has limited resources and has to allocate them carefully, to those who most deserve them.  Comfort and help might come if I my situation is desperate enough.  

 

Bible verse: Psalm 13 opening:  How long, Lord? Will you utterly forget me?  How long will you hide your face from me?  How long must I carry sorrow in my soul, grief in my heart day after day? How long will my enemy triumph over me?

 

Self-image: I am not important enough, not worthy enough for God’s attention, for his care, for him to be concerned about me. The problems, cares, and concerns of my life are not significant enough to warrant his attention. God can’t be disturbed with my relatively minor concerns and difficulties.  God has little bandwidth for me, doesn’t need to be saddled with my petty wishes and desired.  Twisting in the wind.  I am an unprofitable servant, so God leaves me to my own devices.  

 

Attachment History – over-parentified children of families with harried, distressed parents, often with financial concerns and time pressure. Children with a Preoccupied Managing Director God image learn that they are rewarded for being “low-maintenance” and not adding to their parents’ troubles by voicing their concerns.  Praised for how independent, mature, and responsible they are.  Anxious-preoccupied attachment style – they want intimacy, connection with God, but they feel that have to go without it, because they just don’t matter enough.  They generally don’t feel seen and known, and they don’t believe that God cherishes them – rather God sees them as a burden.  

 

Coronavirus Crisis:  Readily activated now – some are not feel much of God’s presence.  Lots more responsibilities, lots of decisions, lots of stress.  Others, such as supervisors, superiors have more responsibilities, show less patience, more irritability.  Aging parents, more self-absorbed.  Loss of connection.  Responsibilities piling on – decision fatigue – when to wear masks, what activities can we do, conflicting feedback from politicians, medical experts, government leaders.  No help in sight.  And you can see how 

 

Vignette:  Paula – 17 year old, second oldest child of a family of 6, father was preoccupied with his business, not doing well with the coronavirus, Mom is stressed, working a part-time job and still wanting to homeschool, and her father is self-absorbed with some health issues.  Her older brother escaped the household by enlisting in the Navy and the third oldest in the family, a 15 year old son,  is rebellious, acting out by not completing his schoolwork, announcing that he is an atheist, and experimenting with alcohol.  Paula doesn’t feel like she can burden her mother with any of her issues, lest she become impatient and irritable and act in the role of a martyr.  The 3 youngest children are emotionally and relationally draining for her mother who is strenuously trying to hold them to high standards.  Paula has barely enough time to complete her studies to her mother’s exacting principles, essentially teaching herself from a boxed curriculum. Paula’s is trying to hold her family together, and feels like she is a fish in a puddle that is evaporating.  She tries to rely on herself, but is developing and increasingly intense anger toward God and she is not aware of the anger.  Prayer – another responsibility, another thing to check off her list, based off a sense of duty.  Very dry, uncomfortable, sense of not mattering, not being cared for.  Now she has lost some activities she enjo...

1. Intro: Welcome to the podcast Coronavirus Crisis: Carpe Diem!, where by God’s grace, you and I rise up and embrace the possibilities and opportunities for spiritual and psychological growth in this time of crisis, all grounded in a Catholic worldview.   We are going beyond mere resilience, to rising up to the challenges of this pandemic and becoming even healthier in the natural and the spiritual realms than we were before.  I’m clinical psychologist Peter Malinoski and I am here with you, to be your host and guide.  This podcast is part of Souls and Hearts, our online outreach at soulsandhearts.com, which is all about shoring up our natural foundation for the Catholic spiritual life, all about overcoming psychological obstacles to being loved and to loving.  
   1. This is episode 44, released on November 30, 2020
   2. Thank you for being here with me.  
   3. and it is the eighth episode in our series on shame.  
   4. and it is titled: Rape, Incest, Shame, and Silence: A True Story Reexamined, Part 3
   5. We continuing to deal with very heavy, very difficult material.  
   6. We are continuing our deep exploration of the internal worlds of Crown Prince Amnon and Princess Tamar as recounted in 2 Samuel 13.   
   7. We opened that up in Episode 40, with Part 1 
   8. We continued  the story in Episode 43, last week with Part 2
   9. Now in Part 3, we are continuing to learn what we learned about shame in the conceptual information about shame from Episodes 37, 38, 39.
   10. We're going to focus on listening as we were learning about in Episodes 42 and that we continued practicing in episode 43 -- important to listen to episodes 40 and 43 before this one.  
2. Cautions  (summarize below)
    
   1. There is an incestuous rape of a teenager in this story.
       
      1. I am not going into unnecessary graphic aspects about the rape itself
   2.  
      1. there isn't a need to get into the all the specific details of it
   3.  
      1. However, I am bringing out the emotional, relational and psychological impact of the traumas here, and not just the rape, but the betrayals and the failures to protect, and the injustice of it all and all the aftermath
          
         1. Those aspects -- betrayal, abandonment, the implications, the meaning of those contextual factors can be and often are worse than the actual physical violations.  And Tamar tells us that in the scripture.  
      2. 
         
         1. Those realities can be very difficult to take, it's understandable why people want to avoid discussing them.  
      3. 
         
         1. We need to be real about these things.  People who are traumatized, people who are burdened with shame, who are confused, who are lost -- they need resources.  These kinds of awful violations happen.  A lot.  We need to talk about them.  In this podcast I go into them.  
      4. 
         
         1. There is no neat and tidy way to talk about incest and sexual violence and its aftermath, especially the experience of shame.  No whitewash, no clichés, no pious pablum.  
      5. 
         
         1. And we need to be able to put these thing into a Catholic context, see them from a Catholic viewpoint. 
      6. 
         
   4. 
      
3. 
   
4. Warnings --Summarize below.   let's be prudent here in listening to the story -- not an episode for little kids to necessarily be listening to.  
   1. As important as it is to deal with these topics
   2. Be thoughtful about where you are in your life journey, where you are in your healing -- this story may strike close to home for many of you
   3. You don't have to listen to the story or my analysis of it -- listen only if it is good for you -- even for people who are really psychologically well integrated, this is painful stuff.  
      1. Unresolved sexual trauma -- this may be a great time, it may be a terrible time listen to it.  
      2. Unresolved incest
      3. Unresolved betrayal
      4. Unresolved abandonment, especially by parents or church or civic leaders
      5. Sibling issues.  
   4. Window of tolerance
       
      1. the zone of nervous system arousal in which you are able to function most effectively. When you are within this zone, you can readily take in information, process that information, and integrate that information more readily. 
   5. 
      
      1. You can listen.  
   6. 
      
      1. People in the window of tolerance are feeling emotions at moderate levels, not overwhelmed with emotion (hyperarousal) and not numbing their feelings out (hypoarousal).
   7.  
5. Review of levels of listening -- check out episode 42.  Brief review.  Summarize below
    
   1. Listening to trauma may be easier with a written narrative than in person with the people immediately present
6.  
   1. Listening to --  Level 1 listening -- Listening with your mind, taking in information
       
      1. Often called active listening
   2.  
      1. Listen carefully to what is happening in the story
   3.  
      1. Grasping the content, the facts
   4.  
      1. Requires attention, concentration, taking in what the person is saying.  
   5. 
      
      1. Focus externally on the characters, not internally on what is going on with your parts.  Not distracted by own self-focus
   6.  
7. 
   
   1. Listening for -- Level 2 listening -- Rarer.    
      1. This is speculative, we hold it lightly
      2. Listening to fill in the gaps in each character's big picture
      3. What is beyond and behind the words?
          
         1. Listening for the deeper layers of meaning in order to perceive what has not been said outright.
      4.  
         1. understanding the experiential context for each of the characters
      5.  
      6. Listening to what the character does not say or do -- omissions.  
      7. What are we listening for when we are listening for?  
         1. The person's experience -- to grasp the person's experience -- all the inner stuff.  
         2. Emotions
         3. Intentions
         4. Thoughts
         5. Desires
         6. Attitudes toward the world 
         7. Impulses 
         8. Vision of the world
         9. Working models of the world, assumptions.  
         10. Values
         11. Purpose in life
         12. I listen for identity
         13.  and for shame.  
      8. Engage the Faculty of imagination to help us fill in the gaps  
      9. Taking in what the person means (in contrast to what the person says in Level 1) 
      10. What we are not doing:  
          1. Not evaluating the merits of that perspective, not getting caught up in judging that perspective
          2. Not looking to right wrongs, not looking for justice, not asking deep existential questions about how could that terrible thing have happened to the person, not formulating advice, not looking to impress.  
          3. Setting all that aside.   To be with the characters in their stories, their narrative.  Understanding them first.  
          4. Taking that character's perspective in.  Seeing the world through the other person's eyes.  No matter how inaccurate or distorted that perception of the world may seem to be to us.  
8. 
   
   1. Listening with -- Level 3 listening -- Very rare -- characteristic of great therapists
       
      1. Listening with your whole self. 
   <...

In this episode, we explore: 1) How anger at God is far more common and intense that you realize; 2) Why you need to work through your anger at God; 3) Your hidden reasons for your anger at God; 4) Why your anger at God is so frequently banished to your unconscious; 5) 16 defense mechanisms that drive your anger at God outside of your awareness; 6) How your anger at God is so often overpowered by your fear of God; and 7) The signs and symptoms of your unacknowledged anger at God.

1. Introduction
2. The Goals:  We Catholics are to love God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your strength, and with all your mind.  
   1. With every fiber of our being, every last little bit of ourselves.  
   2. To love God in every internal experience -- every thought, emotion, body sensation, intention, impulse attitude, belief, assumption, every desire -- every internal experience oriented toward loving God. 
   3. Nothing within us oriented any other way.  That's the challenge, that's what that commandment means.   
3. Fr. Jacques Phillipe:  
   1. Searching for and Maintaining Peace  -- may be my most favorite book  
   2. In order that abandonment might be authentic and engender peace, it must be total.  Must put everything, without exception, into the hands of God, not seeking any longer to manage or” to save” ourselves by her own means: not in the material domain, nor the emotional, nor the spiritual.  We cannot divide human existence and the various sectors: certain sectors where it would be legitimate to surrender ourselves to God with confidence in others where, on the contrary, we feel we must manage exclusively on her own.  And one thing we know well: all reality that we have not surrendered to God, that we choose to manage by ourselves without giving carte blanche to God, will continue to make us more or less uneasy.  The measure of our interior piece will be that of our abandonment, consequently of our detachment.  Page 37
       
      1. No-go Zones.  Wikipedia A "no-go area" or "no-go zone" is a neighborhood or other geographic area where some or all outsiders either are physically prevented from entering or can enter only at risk.
   3.  
      1. God doesn't come in here.  Compartmentalization, lack of integration.  
         1. Recreational time -- not when I'm watching football, not when I'm playing poker, not when I'm gossiping with my friends.  
         2. Work life -- dog eat dog world, highly competitive business, sometimes we have to do things we're not proud of…
         3. Sex life -- caught between my partner and my beliefs
         4. My private attachments -- drinking, flirting, shopping -- whatever we are attached to.  
         5. Deep shame.  Deep rage.  Deep Sadness,  Deep fear.  Inner darkness.  
         6. Trauma Zones -- betrayal, abandonment, terror, --attempts to seal that all off, from everything and everyone in order to keep functioning, to keep on with daily activities.  
   4. 
      
4. Intro -- Welcome to Interior Integration for Catholics
    
   1. I’m clinical psychologist Peter Malinoski and I am here to help guide you toward  loving God, neighbor and yourself in an ordered, healthy, holy way.
       
      1. And how do I do that?
          
         1. By focusing on your natural level impediments, your psychological obstacles to tolerated being loved and to loving God, neighbor and ourselves in the best ways possible
             
            1.  it's all about your human formation 
         2. 
            
            1. It's all about shoring up your natural foundation for the spiritual life 
         3. 
            
            1. So many of our spiritual problems are really rooted in our human formation, our natural foundation for the spiritual life
         4.  
      2. 
         
   2. 
      
5. 
   
   1. This is Episode 73, 
      1. Released on June 21, 2021 and titled  Is Internal Family Systems Really Catholic?
      2. I get this question a lot -- Internal Family Systems or IFS has exploded on the therapy scene, especially in the last 10 years and especially as a modality for working with trauma. 
         1. It makes sense -- we don't want anything to keep us from God.  
         2. Great contribution -- 
         3. Synthesis of two paradigms
             
            1. Plural mind -- we all contain many different parts
                
               1. A mind in conversation with itself denotes a non-unitary, relational mind
            2.  
               1. Internal dilemmas
            3.  
         4. 
            
            1. Systems thinking -- Dick was a therapist trained in family systems
                
               1. Bringing systems thinking inside is a tremendous advance for therapy
            2.  
               1. On a par with Freud's popularization of the unconscious.
            3.  
               1. God can reveal the glory of creation to people from all kinds of backgrounds
                   
                  1. Watson and Crick Discoverers of DNA -- very hostile toward Catholicism.  
               2. 
                  
            4. 
               
         5. 
            
            1. A core self, protected from harm rich in all kinds of naturally endowed resources.  
         6. 
            
      3. But Richard Schwartz -- raised in an atheistic home, culturally Jewish -- he writes in the forward of Jenna Riemersma's Book "Altogether You."  
         1. My father was a scientist who taught us that religion was at the root of many of the world's conflicts and slaughters .  I maintained a skepticism about anything spiritual until I began exploring my clients' inner terrains and encountered their self
         2. Phenomenological approach
             
            1. Definition Phenomenology is the study of structures of consciousness as experienced from the first-person point of view .-- an approach that concentrates on the study of consciousness and the objects of direct experience.
         3.  
            1. Setting aside preconceived notions -- "privileging data over pride"
                
               1. p. 19 IFS Therapy 2nd ed.  We can enter the unconscious and interact with it directly, asking questions about the desires, distortions, and agendas of the inner system.  In response, our parts will answer clearly, take the client directly to crucial scenes from the past, and explain what is most important about their experience, removing the need for us to speculate, reframe, interpret, or instruct.  
            2. 
               
         4. 
            
      4. This podcast -- authentically Catholic 
6. Necessity for grounding our understanding of psychology and the human person in a Catholic anthropology
    
   1. Define Catholic anthropology  Wikipedia In the context of Christian theology, Christian anthropology is the study of the human ("anthropology") as it relates to God. It differs from the social science of anthropology, which primarily deals with the comparative study of the physical and social characteristics of humanity across times and places.
7.  
   1. I am responsible for my words and my teaching.  
      1. Scripture verse about teaching
          
         1. Woe to anyone who leads little ones astray
      2.  
      3. My day of particular judgement 
      4. What I teach and what I don't teach.  Omissions.  
      5. Catholic with a small c:  The word is from the Greek katholikos, universal, literally in respect of (kata) the whole (holos);
      6. St. Augustine De Doctrina Christiana. Cjapter 40   is a theological text on how to interpret and teach the Scriptures.
          
         1. Moreover, if those who are called philosophers, and especially the Platonists, have said anything that is true and in harmony with our faith, we are not only not to shrink from it, but to claim it for our own use.
      7.  
         1. all branches of heathen learning have not only false and superstitious fancies and heavy burdens of unnecessary toil, which we ought to abhor and avoid; but they contain also liberal instruction which is better adapted to the use of the truth, and some most excellent precepts of morality; and some truths in regard even to the w...

Confusion and controversy abound in the Catholic Church about self-love.  Learn four ways to understand self-love, why we avoid self-love, the six reasons it is important to cultivate proper self-love, what is appropriate self-sacrifice, and receive two practical spiritual means for growing in proper self-love:  The Litany of Self-Love and also an entirely new way of examining your conscience.

IIC 98 Self Love -- What Catholics Need to Know

Today we are talking about self-love: the love of self. There is so much controversy, so much confusion about self-love among Catholics. Is self-love good and holy, or is self-love bad and dangerous? Is self-love necessary for loving others? Is self-love unavoidable? The answers from Catholic writers and thinkers and saints are all over the board with regard to self-love, with so many apparent contradictions that it can make your head spin. And the positions from different reputable Christian sources are extreme; their positions seem irreconcilable.

Here is just a sampling: St. Augustine said, "there can be only two basic loves...the love of God unto the forgetfulness of self or the love of self unto the forgetfulness and denial of God." St. Maximus the Confessor, "Flee from self-love, the mother of malice..." Thomas A Kempis, in the 'Imitation of Christ', "Know that self-love does you more harm than anything else in the world." Father Jean Nicholas Grou, Jesuit priest, "Self-love is the one source of all the illusions of the spiritual life. By its means, the devil exercises his deceits, leads souls astray, drags them sometimes to hell by the very road that seems to lead them to heaven." St. Thomas Aquinas says, "Inordinate self-love is the cause of every sin". And here's from Pope Francis from December 9th, 2015, "The movements of self-love, which make mercy foreign in the world, are so numerous that we often fail to recognize them as limitations and as sin." 'The Catechism of the Catholic Church', paragraph 1850, "...sin is thus 'love of oneself, even to contempt of God'". And St. Paul in 2 Timothy 3:1-5, said this, "But understand this that in the last days there will come times of stress. For men will be lovers of self, lovers of money, proud, arrogant, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, inhuman, implacable, slanderers, profligates, fierce, haters of good, treacherous, reckless, swollen with conceit, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, holding the form of religion but denying the power of it. Avoid such people."

Lovers of self. Now we also hear from St Thomas Aquinas that, "Self-love is in one way common to all, in another way proper to good men, in another, proper to evil men." Father, Jacques Philippe, in his book 'Called To Life', with his pastoral approach, says, "Love of God, love of neighbor and love of self grow together and sustain one another as they grow. If one is absent or neglected, the others will suffer. Like the legs of a tripod, all three are needed in order to stand, and each leans on the other." He also says, "Love travels along two paths that are inseparable in the end: love of God and love of neighbor. But as this text suggests, there is another aspect of charity--love of one's self. ("You shall love your neighbor as yourself"). This self-love is good and necessary. Not egoism that refers everything to "me", but the grace to live in peace with oneself, consent to be what one is, with one's talents and limitations." And the Bishop of Sioux Falls, Donald Edward DeGrood, said this, "We are called to love ourselves as God made us and loves us. It is sometimes difficult to know our inherent dignity, to receive God's love and live out of the truth of who we are. And just as God loves us and indeed rejoices and delights in us, so too are we call to rejoice and delight in who we are and who others are." And Catholic moral theologian, Michel Therrien, in a December 3, 2020 article in Denver Catholic said, "...the proper love of self is the foundation for knowing how to treat others."

Alright, so you might be asking me, "Dr. Peter, Which is it? Are we supposed to be loving ourselves or not loving ourselves?" Laura, an Australian Catholic writer, in her blogpost, 'Self-Love for Catholics: What is the Catholic teaching on loving yourself' says this, "Depending on who you ask, the idea of self-love can get some very different reactions. Even the Bible seems a little confused. On the one hand, Jesus calls us to love our neighbors as ourselves. On the other hand, St. Paul condemns those who are 'lovers of self'. I won't like to bag out the Bible but mixed messages much? There is no section in the catechism on self-love. There is no treatise entitled 'Loving Thyself' by St. Bernard or 'The Internal Positive Dialogues" of St. Catherine of Siena. There definitely aren't any ancient meditations on "How Awesome a Monk Am I Today!", or "Eighty Affirmations for the Doubting Deacon" from the Patristic Era. And if I'm honest, this is super frustrating. Maybe you found the same?"

Well, Laura, thank you for bringing this up. I find this whole body of Catholic literature on self-love both fascinating and frustrating at the same time and also so very important. We really need to sort this out because the stakes are so high. So rather than curse the darkness, here is my attempt to light a candle for you, to illuminate the best that I've found on this essential theme: Self-Love.

I am Dr. Peter Malinoski, clinical psychologist, passionate Catholic. And this is Interior Integration for Catholics. The Interior Integration for Catholics Podcast is all about bringing you the best of psychology and human formation and harmonizing it with the perennial truths of our Catholic faith. Each month we take the most important human formation issues head on. We don't shy away from the tough topics, and today we have a tough topic. How do we rightly understand self-love? What is self-love and how should we as Catholics understand it, given this whirlwind of confusion and controversy that has stretched back for centuries? This is episode 98, titled 'Self-Love--What Catholics Need to Know', and it's released on October 3, 2022.

We have been working through a series on trauma and wellbeing--we started that with episode 88. In the last episode, episode 97 titled: 'Unlove of Self: How Trauma Predisposes You to Self-Hatred and Indifference', we looked at the impact of trauma and how it contributes to us not loving ourselves.

Today, we're switching gears. We're looking at what it means to be in an ordered relationship with ourselves. Is self-love a part of right relating with ourselves? We are going to bring so much clarity to this topic today.

It is so good to be with you, thank you for listening in, thank you for being together with me once again. I'm glad you're here and I'm glad that together we're exploring what self-love really means.

Now, I want to do a little introduction here to this topic. About 20 years ago, a theologian friend of mine was encouraging me to get out more. I was pretty sheltered, I was in private practice. I wasn't doing any public speaking, but he was really impressed with some of the things that we were talking about in our conversations. At the time, I was sorting out the psychology thing, too. I was really trying to figure out how to practice as a psychologist and ground that practice of psychology in a Catholic understanding of the human person. I had a keen sense that after I die, on my day of particular judgment I will be responsible before the Lord for every word that I uttered to every client, for everything I taught or said or advised, and I was worried. I didn't want to lead anyone astray. I didn't want to lead my clients astray. And I knew that I was speculating, bec...

Episode 18:  Grief vs. Depression

Grief:

Intro: Welcome to the podcast Coronavirus Crisis:  Carpe Diem, where you and I rise up and embrace the possibilities and opportunities for spiritual and psychological growth in this time of crisis, all grounded in a Catholic worldview.   

Ok, so I know we’re now into some really heavy, difficult times in our country and in our world.  There’s lots of things going on – we have the pandemic, we have partial lockdowns and closures, we have major unemployment issues, nearly half of small businesses are in danger of shutting down permanently.  We have escalating tensions with Xi Jinping’s government in China and the possibility of the cold war with China turning hot.   We now have riots and looting over the tragic death of George Floyd while under arrest by a Minneapolis police officer, we have very flawed and contentious politicians battling with each other in petty ways in an election year, we have growing revelations of corruption by current and former government officials and bureaucrats. There is a growing lack of confidence in our government, our news media and in our secular and religious institutions.  

None of these factors changes the basic Gospel message.  None of them.  None of them can keep us from psychological and spiritual growth, unless we let ourselves be kept down.  We need to rise up, we need to go beyond mere resiliency, to become even healthier in the natural and the spiritual realms than we were before.  

I’m clinical psychologist Peter Malinoski your host and guide, with Souls and Hearts at soulsandhearts.com.  Thank you for being here with me.  This is episode 18, entitled “Grief vs. Depression” released on June 1, 2020. 

Today, we’re going to really dive into the difference between grief and depression, and to illustrate the difference between grief and depression, we’ll be looking at five people from the Scriptures.

First, though, I want to offer a big Thank you to all the Resilient Catholics: Carpe Diem community members who came to our first ever Zoom meeting last Friday evening.  We had a great conversation on unacknowledged or hidden grief.  It was very good for us to get to know each other better and for us to connect and to be in relationship with one another.  Thank you for praying for me, and know that I am praying for you.  

So some of you may be asking, Dr. Peter, why, why is it important to know the difference between grief and depression – both of them feel bad, and we want to feel better.  So why bother with the difference?  

Normal Grief

Waves or intense pages of painful emotion associated with the loss, which gradually soften and diminish over time. 
Emptiness and loss – something is missing -- but also there are moments of happiness, joy.   
Self-esteem generally remains intact.  If there is self-criticism, it tends to be focused on perceived shortcomings about the loss (I should have visited my Mom more often before she died, I should have told her I loved her).
Relational connections remain intact.  Able to give and receive in relationships, and can be consoled.  
Ruminating on what or who was lost; Hope remains.  Since of life going on.  
Thoughts of death and dying focused on the lost person and perhaps reconnecting  with the loved one in heaven.  Some loss of desire to live on, but not overt wishes or impulses toward suicide. 
Distress, sadness activated by memories or reminders of the loss.   

Clinical Depression 

Sadness, distress experienced continually over time
Ongoing depressed mood with anhedonia – unable to enjoy good things
Feelings of inadequacy, worthlessness, with self-criticism.  Critical toward self, feelings of worthlessness, and self-loathing.  This is much more general.  May involve significant shame.  
Emotional withdrawal from others – perhaps with avoidance.  Could be a physical withdrawal as well.  Difficulty being consoled
Self-critical or pessimistic thoughts; tendency toward a loss of hope.  
Suicidal thoughts related to feelings of being unworthy of life, or of not wanting to live anymore.  Suicide considered an escape from unbearable pain with no other answers.  
Depressed mood is not tied to specific thoughts or preoccupations

 

Let's flesh this out with examples of grief vs. clinical depression from Scripture:

Abraham’s Grief

Genesis 23: Sarah’s Death and Burial

23 Sarah lived one hundred twenty-seven years; this was the length of Sarah’s life. 2 And Sarah died at Kiriath-arba (that is, Hebron) in the land of Canaan; and Abraham went in to mourn for Sarah and to weep for her. 3 Abraham rose up from beside his dead, and said to the Hittites, 4 “I am a stranger and an alien residing among you; give me property among you for a burying place, so that I may bury my dead out of my sight.”

David is one of the most expressive men in the Bible.  

 

David’s Grief:

 

2 Samuel 1

Saul and Jonathan, beloved and lovely!
     In life and in death they were not divided;
 they were swifter than eagles,
     they were stronger than lions.

24 O daughters of Israel, weep over Saul,
     who clothed you with crimson, in luxury,
     who put ornaments of gold on your apparel.

25 How the mighty have fallen
     in the midst of the battle!

Jonathan lies slain upon your high places.
 26     I am distressed for you, my brother Jonathan;
 greatly beloved were you to me;
     your love to me was wonderful,

David’s Depression

 

Psalm 38

O Lord, rebuke me not in thy anger,
     nor chasten me in thy wrath!
 2 For thy arrows have sunk into me,
     and thy hand has come down on me.

3 There is no soundness in my flesh
     because of thy indignation;
 there is no health in my bones
     because of my sin.
 4 For my iniquities have gone over my head;
     they weigh like a burden too heavy for me.

5 My wounds grow foul and fester
     because of my foolishness,
 6 I am utterly bowed down and prostrate;
     all the day I go about mourning.
 7 For my loins are filled with burning,
     and there is no soundness in my flesh.
 8 I am utterly spent and crushed;
     I groan because of the tumult of my heart.

13 But I am like a deaf man, I do not hear,
     like a dumb man who does not open his mouth.
 14 Yea, I am like a man who does not hear,
     and in whose mouth are no rebukes..

21 Do not forsake me, O Lord!
     O my God, be not far from me!
 22 Make haste to help me,
     O Lord, my salvation!

 

Elijah

Elijah God’s judgments and warnings to several Israelite kings, including the despotic Ahab and his formidable  wife, Jezebel.. 

Here, Elijah had a great victory over 450 of Baal's prophets on Mt. Carmel, however, he remained fearful of Jezebel's revenge.  He proved not only the power of...

What do the roots, trunk, branches, leaves, and apples of a tree have to do with your Catholic formation?  Find out how these, combined with sunlight, water, and soil, bring us an integrated understanding of personal formation grounded in a Catholic understanding of the human person, drawing from Church documents and the sciences of the natural world.  By looking at an apple tree, we can understand our own formation and where we need to change and grow much better – and not just as solitary trees, but together, in community, in a forest.  Join me, Dr. Peter Malinoski, as we learn how to flourish in love and for love, as Catholics journeying together.  

In this episode, we examine different definitions of narcissism, we look at the markers and diagnostic criteria for narcissism, we examine the main beliefs, emotions, assumptions, and internal experiences that fuel narcissistic defenses (especially idealization and devaluation), we focus on relational patterns that narcissists have, and we look at how narcissists subjectively experience themselves.  I show how narcissistic defenses represent maladaptive ways of trying to get deep needs met, especially integrity needs.  We explore different kinds of narcissism, especially the different between overt and covert narcissism.  We then go into how to identify narcissistic behaviors and appropriate ways of responding, according to the secular experts.  Also, I issue you an invitation to a special opportunity.  Tonight, Monday, August 7, 2023, from 8:30 PM to 10:00 PM Eastern Time -- I will have Catholic Psychologist Peter Martin as a special guest and we will be discussing narcissism -- in this free Zoom meeting, for the first 30 minutes or so, Dr. Martin and I will have a conversation about narcissism, and then for the next hour, we open it up for questions.  Register by going to our Interior Integration for Catholics Landing page at soulsandhearts.com/iic.  At the top, there's a link to register for the Zoom meeting.  You can send me questions to crisis@soulsandhearts.com -- or leave me a VM at 317.567.9594 and I will play that voicemail on the air and Dr. Martin and I will answer you questions.  

 

1. Summary:  Real love (agape) is given freely -- but it is not received freely in our fallen human condition.  Join me in this episode as we discuss the costs of opening our hearts to love\and the price of being loved fully, of being loved completely, in all of our parts.  We review why so many people refuse to be loved -- and we examine the psychological and human formation reasons for turning away from love.  Finally we discuss what we can do to get over our natural-level impediments to receiving love.  
2. Lead-in  
   1. I am a rock I am an island

I've built walls

A fortress deep and mighty

That none may penetrate

I have no need of friendship -- friendship causes pain

It's laughter and it's loving I disdain

I am a rock I am an island

1. I am a rock -- Paul Simon wrote it in 1965 and Simon and Garfunkel  Released it as a single in 1966, and it rose to #3 on the charts -- why because it resonated with people.  It was popular because it spoke out loud what many people's parts feel.   The desire to become a rock, the impulse to build the walls, to keep everyone out, to repudiate love and laughter, to not need anything or anyone.  
2.  Kate McGahan -- untitled poem 

 

I don't need anyone, I said.

Then you came

I need I need! 

I NEED YOU. 

I needed you.

What did you teach me?

Not to need you.

NOT TO NEED. -

 

1. I don't want to be in love, anymore. I just want to be left alone. And no, I am not depressed or something. No suicide is happening here... I am fine. Trust me. Sharmajiassamwale
2. So you want love.  But you also don't want love.  But you want love.  But you don't.  You do.  You don't.  You're conflicted.  How do you understand this conflict within you?  Can you and I understand this push-pull, this attraction - avoidance, this Yes and No within us more clearly.  Yes we can.  And we must.  Or we will wind up always skating along the edge of love, never really entering in.  And there are consequences for that -- and no one put it more succinctly than the English poet and playwright Robert Browning, who said: “Without love, our earth is a tomb”  
3. Intro
    
   1. We do want to be loved, but we don't.  Why?  Because we want the benefits of love, but we don't want the costs
4.  
   1. The Benefits
       
      1. To love and be loved is to feel the sun from both sides.  David Viscott
   2.  
      1. If you don't have that memory of being loved, you are condemned to search the world for something to fill you up. -- Michael Jackson
5. 
   
   1. The costs.  
      1. Real love is given freely, but it is not received freely in this fallen world.  
         1. Almost no one talks about the costs of being loved.  I find that so strange.  People don't think this way. 
         2. There are costs to receiving love, to accepting love, to allowing love in to our hearts.  
         3. It's painful to be loved in this fallen world.  
            1. this is not well understood by many people, especially those who are not in touch with trauma, or who haven't suffered as much as others 
               1. Bernard Brady's 2003 book "Christian Love: How Christians Through the Ages have Understood Love 
                  1. Second sentence of the book, in the preface:  "Loving seems entirely natural and being loved seems wonderfully good."
                  2. Not to many people
                  3. RCC member -- so glad you can discuss tolerating being loved.  

 

1. Real love -- Agape -- burns away things that are sinful within us -- it doesn't coexist with the vice within us.
    
   1. Bernard Brady: Christian Love, p. 16:  "…love transforms those who love and those who are loved."  
2. 
   
   1. Every true love and friendship is a story of unexpected transformation. If we are the same person before and after we loved, that means we haven't loved enough.”   ― Elif Shafak, The Forty Rules of Love
3. Change is scary
    
   1. “Taking a new step, uttering a new word, is what people fear most.”― Fyodor Dostoevsky, Crime and Punishment 
4. 
   

 

1. Real love also purifies us from anything that is not morally wrote, but that is disordered or dysfunctional or imperfect
2. Real love is the greatest good.  And because it's the greatest good, it requires us to give up lesser goods.  Perceived good and actual goods.  
   1. Coping strategies, crutches that helped us in the past
   2. Analogy of the safe -- limited room, silver and gold. 
3. Vulnerability
4. I will lose what I have
5. I will lose to possibility of being loved in the future
6. I don't want to find out I am unlovable.  I can't bear that.   
7. Because for love to be real, for love to be agape means me allowing you to love all of me.  All my parts.  My entire being
    
   1. Not just the acceptable parts of me in the shop window, those that I allow others to see.  
8. 
   
9. The greatness of the adventure of loving can be intimidating
    
   1. Love, in some sense, is nothing other than an invitation to great joy and suffering, so they shy away from it.  Paul Catalanotto Refusal to love is also refusal to live  The Catholic Weekly
10.  
    1. Dietrich von Hildrebrand those who "wish to linger with small joys in the state of harmless happiness … in which they feel themselves to be master of the situation … lacking any element of surprise or adventure.
11.  
12. Let's go on this adventure of being loved and loving together.  I want you to come with me into the themes of this podcast.  I want you to really engage with what I'm presenting to you.  Not just listen like the Athenians listened to Paul about the resurrection of the dead.  Acts 17:32: Now when they heard of the resurrection of the dead, some mocked; but others said, “We will hear you again about this.”  But they weren't really that interested.  Only a few of the Athenians joined him.  Stay with me in this Episode 96 of Interior Integration for Catholics, released on August 1, 2022, and titled "I Am a Rock: How Trauma Hardens us Against Being Loved" I am Dr. Peter Malinoski, clinical psychologist, passionate Catholic and I am very pleased that we can share and engage with this information.
     
    1. Why do I think being loved is so important?   First because receiving love is absolutely essential.  It is our starting point in the spiritual life.  And second, because most people will not realxly allow themselves to be loved. Psychiatrist and Harvard Professor George Valliant wrote:  It's very hard, for most of us to tolerate being loved.-- That's been my experience as well.  The vast majority of people have chosen to severely limit how much love they will let in, how much love they will tolerate.  
13. 
    
    1. You can't love unless you are willing to be loved.  
       1. 1 John 4:19:  We love because he first loved us  Look at the order here.  God loved us first.  We can't generate any love on our own.  We can reflect love, we can channel love, but we can't create love out of nothing like God can.  We have to cooperate in love and be open to love in order to love, in order to follow the two great com...

In our 100th episode, we celebrate by going inside in an experiential exercise. Recorded before a live audience, Dr. Peter guides you through an experiential exercise to help you connect with parts of you that resist God's love. We create a space where you can much more deeply understand the negative, distorted God images that some of your parts may have -- mistaken ways they see God, and how those misunderstandings came about. With gentleness, kindness, and love for your parts, your parts might be ready for your innermost self to be a bridge between them and God and Mother Mary. Come join us on an adventure inside, where we work to overcome the human formation obstacles to embracing God's love for us. At the end, audience participants share their experiences with Dr. Peter and he answers questions.

1. Intro: Welcome to the podcast Coronavirus Crisis: Carpe Diem!, where by God’s grace, you and I rise up and embrace the possibilities and opportunities for spiritual and psychological growth in this time of crisis, all grounded in a Catholic worldview.   We are going beyond mere resilience, to rising up to the challenges of this pandemic and becoming even healthier in the natural and the spiritual realms than we were before.  I’m clinical psychologist Peter Malinoski and I am here with you, to be your host and guide.  This podcast is part of Souls and Hearts, our online outreach at soulsandhearts.com, which is all about shoring up our natural foundation for the Catholic spiritual life, all about overcoming psychological obstacles to being loved and to loving.  
   1. This is episode 41, released on November 9, 2020
   2. Thank you for being here with me.  
   3. and it is the fifth episode in our series on shame.  
   4. and it is titled: Rewind: Trauma and Shame in King David's Childhood
   5. We cover really difficult topics in this podcast -- 
      1. we go to the really challenging places that other podcasts are unwilling or unable to go.  
      2. Because we have to.  Because people are caught in those places and they are hurting, because people are trapped and people are in danger, they are in peril.  
      3. And we need to reach out to them.  
      4. And you know what?  We are those people too.  
         1. We have parts of us trapped in bad places, places we don't understand, places we are afraid of, places that we don't want to go by ourselves, all alone
         2. But together, each of us can understand much more of our unconscious.    
   6. This is the second of a subseries highly experiential episodes -- these episodes are opportunities for experiential learning -- to learn a lot about yourself -- about who you really are, about your history.  
      1. St. Paul
          
         1. Romans 7:15   I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. 
      2. 
         
         1. Romans 7:18b-19  I can will what is right, but I cannot do it. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want [that] is what I do. 
      3. 
         
         1. St. Paul doesn't understand himself -- St. Paul, a pillar of virtue, author of half the books in the New Testament, St. Paul, who endured outrageous sufferings, amazing self sacrifice -- he's admitting to being dominated by his unconscious.  
      4. 
         
         1. Isn't a question of willpower -- Paul had extraordinary willpower, hard to imagine many saints that can best him in terms of willpower.  
      5. 
         
         1. It’s a question of insight.  Of understanding.  
            1. Won't be complete
            2. But we can have much more insight and understanding than we do now.  
      6. 
         
   7. Continuing story of Princess Tamar, Crown Prince Amnon, Prince Absalom, and King David
       
      1. But diving much deeper into in the inner experience of these characters and others 
         1. Why did they do the things that they did
         2. Why did they say the things that they did
         3. What were they thinking, feeling, sensing, believing, desiring, seeking
         4. And what where they missing, what where they forgetting, not noticing?
         5. What made them tick?
   8. 
      
      1. Through clinical eyes.  
   9. 
      
      1. Much more to the story than the brief account in 2 Samuel 13
          
         1. We will be using other sources -- e.g. archeology to help us understand the time and culture
      2.  
         1. But also psychological insights about shame, trauma, the motives for the rape, 
      3. 
         
   10. 
       
       1. Why -- not just to understand this story and the people this story
   11.  
       1. But to help you understand your story and the people in your story 
          1. Really about you understanding you
              
             1. I will be discussing the different internal parts or modes of operating for these men and women to help you gain insight into them. To make sense of their actions to see them in 3 dimensions instead of just in the short account given in the Scripture
          2.  
             1. Scripture is the word of God -- we need to unpack it, we need to decode the human language of revelation as the Pontifical Bible Commission put it in
                 
                1. The Interpretation of the Bible in the Church -- 1993 Pontifical Bible Commission, endorsed by St. Pope John Paul II
                    
                   1.  Psychology and theology continue their mutual dialogue. The modern extension of psychological research to the study of the dynamic structures of the subconscious has given rise to fresh attempts at interpreting ancient texts, including the Bible. 
                2. 
                   
                   1. Psychological and psychoanalytical studies do bring a certain enrichment to biblical exegesis in that, because of them, the texts of the Bible can be better understood in terms of experience of life and norms of behavior. 
                3. 
                   
                   1. As is well known, religion is always in a relationship of conflict or debate with the unconscious. 
                4. 
                   
                   1. It  [the unconscious] plays a significant role in the proper orientation of human drives. Psychology and psychoanalysis… lead to a multidimensional understanding of Scripture and help decode the human language of revelation. 
                5. 
                   
             2. 
                
                1. What I am offering is admittedly speculative --  I am speculating about motives, internal conflicts, internal experience of the real people in the story
                    
                   1. I won't get it all right
                2.  
                   1. But the point is to show you a way to think about internal experience -- your own and others in a much deeper, more insightful way.  It's about learning how to seek inside yourself to understand your own internal experience -- emotions, sensations, beliefs, attitudes, impulses, desires, intentions, conflicts, all the internal stuff.  It's about that process, learning to seek.  Seek and ye shall find.  
                3. 
                   
                   1. It's a way to understand the unconscious -- your unconscious, all the conflict inside, all the mysterious elements
                4.  
             3. 
                
                1. Utterly faithful to the fullness of truth as revealed by the Catholic Church.  
             4. 
                
                1. We are bringing the best of psychology to the fullness of divine revelation -- all in the service of being able to understand ourselves better so we can understand others better
                    
                   1. You can really understanding anybody else very well if you don't understand yourself.  You'll misinterpret what you see in the other person.  
                      1. If you don't tolerate awareness of anger in yourself, and you sense anger in your relationship with another person, you'll assume it's the other person who is angry -- defense of projection
                2. 
                   
             5. 
                
          3. 
             
   12. 
       

 

1. Not just some psychological self-discovery project -- 
   1. to help you understand the story of others, and the people in their stories
   2. So you can love them -- and love Christ in them.  
2. We are going to get some of this wrong -- we won't be 100% accurate, but that's it's not the point right now.  Tamar doesn't need us, at this point in her life, to empathize with her.  She's dead and experiencing her eternity.  So is King David, Prince Amnon, Prince Absalom, the...

In this special edition, I invite you to an experiential exercise to connect in a loving way with your parts who are  in any distress or suffering with the armed conflict between Hamas and Israel and the humanitarian tragedies that conflict has brought.  I do this experiential exercise along with you, working with my Adventurer part who has been burdened with fear and anxiety, especially around the conflict broadening out regionally in the Middle East and beyond.  Parts also have an opportunity, with your innermost self to question and challenge God about what is happening.  

In this episode, we review several definitions of gaslighting, discuss the tactics of gaslighting, explore the inner experience of both gaslighters and gaslightees, describe gaslighting in the workplace and with children, and list the four relationship dynamics of gaslighting.  Then we describe how gaslighting and being gaslighted connects to deep, unmet attachment and integrity needs.  We also address the special aspects of spiritual gaslighting with examples.  Finally, we cover how to assess whether you are being gaslighted, describe recovery from gaslighting and address gaslighting from an Internal Family Systems perspective.  

Attachment needs, problematic God images, parts, systems, love, and security – no one brings these together quite like seasoned Catholic psychologist Peter Martin in this episode.  Join us as Dr. Martin weaves together the leading edges of conceptual thinking and practical application to provide you a lifeline to grip on to and by which you can climb to a new plane of being as he integrates the four dimensions of personal formation: human, spiritual, intellectual, and pastoral.  Dr. Martin brings in the best of secular research and theory, firmly grounded a in a fully Catholic understanding of the human person and in Scripture, Tradition, and the Magisterium of the Church.  He also provides copies of aids he has developed, the Level of Attachment Security in Spiritual Relationships (LASSR) and the Spiritual Support Worksheet–2 in the YouTube description.  Check out our channel InteriorIntegration4Catholics on YouTube, see us in action, take in Dr. Martin’s slides, and subscribe!  https://youtu.be/GCJyeakw7-w

In this episode, Catholic psychologist Peter Martin and I discuss narcissism with a live audience, covering the following questions: 1) What are two primary clinical approaches to treating individuals with narcissism; 2) How do we distinguish between boldness and narcissism; 3) How does one relate with a narcissistic spouse; 4) How do we work with narcissistic family members who don’t believe in God; 5) The importance of feeling cherished and treasured by God; 6) The relationship between narcissism and spiritual abuse in religious communities and organizations; 7) What makes it difficult for a person with narcissism to receive the love of God; 8) what are the different attachment styles associated with overt and covert narcissism; 9) How do children’s experiences of narcissism impact them in adulthood; 10) What are the effects of narcissistic parenting on children’s separation and individuation; and 11) How does one manage a contentious co-parenting relationship with an ex-spouse who is narcissistic?

We discuss the brand new release of Souls and Hearts' Litanies of the Heart. These prayers were composed to be very attuned to the needs of closed hearts, fearful hearts, and wounded hearts, bringing in the best of psychological science around how we trust, how we connect and how we form bonds with others in our humanness -- all to help us better develop a deep, personal relationship with our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. Join us as we discuss the origin of the Litanies, their development, and recommendations for praying them in a way that suits your particular needs.

1. Summary: In this episode, we gain a deeper understanding of the experience of trauma, the impact of trauma. we clarify definitions of different aspects of trauma, various categories of trauma, the immediate and delayed signs and symptoms of trauma, and the effects of trauma.  Then I share an experiential exercise with you to help you discover potential areas that might be fruitful for future exploration of your own internal experience.  
2. Opening Dramatic Short
    
   1. Brief descriptions of the experience of trauma
3.  
   1. “Outside, the sun shines. Inside, there’s only darkness. The blackness is hard to describe, as it’s more than symptoms. It’s a nothing that becomes everything there is. And what one sees is only a fraction of the trauma inflicted.” 

― Justin Ordoñez

1. “My current life, I realized, was constructed around an absence; for all its richness I still felt as if the floors might give way, as if its core were only a covering of leaves, and I would slip through, falling endlessly, never to get my footing.” ― Esi Edugyan, Washington Black
2. “I wish I’d fallen softly. Light and graceful like a feather drifting slowly to the earth on a warm and dreamy summer’s day. I wish that I’d landed softly too. But there is nothing soft or graceful about that devastating moment when the worst has come to pass. The unavoidable truth is that it is hard, cold and brutal. All that you know to be true and good in life shatters in an instant. You feel like a delicate pottery bowl violently tossed from your place of rest, watching yourself crash and scatter across the hostile dark earth. The sound is deafening. Time stops. Inside, the quiet ache of shock and heartbreak slowly makes its grip known. They cut deep, these jagged edges of broken sherds. You gasp for air hungrily, yet somehow forget how to breathe.”― Jodi Sky Rogers
3. Introduction
    
   1. We are born into a not only a fallen world, but a traumatized world
4.  
   1. We not only share in a fallen human condition, but a traumatized condition.  
      1. “No matter what kind of childhood we’ve had, nobody escapes trauma while growing up.”― Kenny Weiss
      2. The Fall goes way back, before the world was even created, to the fall of the Lucifer, the light-bearer, the morning star and his angels -- and then the fallenness entered our world through original sin, the sin of Adam and Eve, and these are the original traumas, the fall of the angels and original sin.  
5. 
   
   1. You and I are together in the adventure of this podcast, Interior Integration for Catholics, we are journeying together, and I am thankful to be with you.
6.  
   1. I am Dr. Peter Malinoski, clinical psychologist and passionate Catholic and together, We bring the best of psychology and human formation and harmonize it with the perennial truths of the Catholic Faith. 
   2. This podcast, Interior Integration for Catholics is part of our broader outreach, Souls and Hearts bringing the best of psychology grounded in a Catholic worldview to you and the rest of the world through our website soulsandhearts.com.  
   3. Trauma.  We are just beginning a whole series of episodes on trauma.  You’ve been asking for this -- so many requests for us to address trauma head on.  It's such a tough topic and such an important topic, and we are taking on the tough and important topics that matter to you.
   4. Really important to understand the inner experience of trauma -- so you can recognize it in your own life and recognize it an empathetic and attuned way in others' loves.  Part of loving them.  
   5. Today, we're going to get an overview of the best of the secular understandings of trauma.  
      1. So much has changed since I entered graduate school in 1993 -- back then there was one seminal text on trauma, Judith Herman's Trauma and Recovery.  Now, especially in the last 10-15 years, there has been an upsurge of new, fresh and much better ways of understanding trauma.  
   6. Outline
       
      1. Impact of Trauma
   7.  
      1. Definitions of terms
          
         1. Definition of  trauma
      2.  
         1. Definition of Attachment injury
      3.  
         1. Definition of relational hurt
      4.  
         1. Definition of adverse experience. 
      5. 
         
   8. 
      
      1. Categories of Trauma 
   9. 
      
      1. Recognizing Trauma from the Reactions, signs and symptoms.  
   10. 
       
       1. Discuss commonly accepted effects of trauma
   11.  
       1. Go over the traumatic effects of what didn't happen, what was missing
   12.  
       1. Experiential exercise to help you identify areas of your internal experience that are impacted by trauma
   13.  
7. Impact of Trauma
    
   1. From the North Dakota Department of Human Services Fact Sheet
8.  

• People who have experienced trauma are:

◉ 15 times more likely to attempt suicide

◉ 4 times more likely to abuse alcohol

◉ 4 times more likely to develop a sexually transmitted disease 

◉ 4 times more likely to inject drugs

◉ 3 times more likely to use antidepressant medication

◉ 3 times more likely to be absent from work

◉ 3 times more likely to experience depression

◉ 3 times more likely to have serious job problems

◉ 2.5 times more likely to smoke

◉ 2 times more likely to develop chronic obstructive pulmonary 

disease (COPD)

◉ 2 times more likely to have serious financial problems

1. 16-minute TED MED talk from How childhood trauma affects health across a lifetime | Pediatrician Nadine Burke Harris  September 2014
2. Definitions of Trauma
    
   1. Lots of confusion
3.  
   1. Briere & Scott (2006) Principles of Trauma Therapy: people use the term trauma to refer to
       
      1.  either a traumatic experience or event
   2.  
      1. the resulting injury or stress, 
   3. 
      
      1. or the longer-term impacts and consequences 
   4. 
      
4. 
   
   1. American Psychological Association Website: Trauma is an emotional response to a terrible event like an accident, rape or natural disaster. Immediately after the event, shock and denial are typical. Longer term reactions include unpredictable emotions, flashbacks, strained relationships and even physical symptoms like headaches or nausea.
       
      1. Problem in emphasizing the emotional aspects. It's much more than that
   2.  
      1. Misses the overwhelming aspect.  
   3. 
      
      1. Does get the "response" part right.  
   4. 
      
5. 
   
   1. Integrated Listening Systems website:  Trauma is the response to a deeply distressing or disturbing event that overwhelms an individual’s ability to cope, causes feelings of helplessness, diminishes their sense of self and their ability to feel a full range of emotions and experiences.
6.  
   1. DSM-5  PTSD, Acute Stress Disorder.  Not going to address those here, not worth the time.
       
      1. Highly criticized by many professionals for being very limited and behind the curve, not recognizing the nuances and categories of trauma responses.  
   2. 
      
7. 
   
8. Attachment Injury 
   1. Definition: Dr. Sue John...

1. Intro:  It is good to be together, thank you for joining me today in this podcast episode
2. I want to take you back 40 years with me, more than 40 years, to 1981, and share with you an experience I had as a lad, share with you a story and images of that story that will help us understand the topic of today's podcast.  So, without any further delays, its Story Time with Dr. Peter 
   1. Its early July 1981, I'm 12 years old, really skinny, about 5 foot 5, 110 lbs, very nearsighted without my glasses swimming to the green raft with my swim buddy at Camp Onaway on the Waupaca Chain of Lakes, in central Wisconsin
   2. Taking on the challenge.  I'm the lowest form of life at Boys Brigade Camp 3, A first-year boy.  I'm a FLIC--  A FLIC is an acronym that stand for "Fat Little Ignorant Camper" the term of affection, a sweet, ironic endearment bestowed on us by our fearless camp leaders.  
   3. And I’m swimming out to the raft to test my mettle with the bigger boys.  The high schoolers. 
   4. The raft -- floating platform, 12 X 12, buoyed up by sealed 55 gallon drum, anchored in 12 feet of clear water and covered with green indoor-outdoor carpeting.  
   5. That is the place where the game "King of the Raft" was played by the camp 3 FLICs of all ages and body shapes.  
   6. The objective of King of the Raft was simple.  To be the only boy left standing on the raft, with all challengers in the water.  
   7. To do that, you want to push, pull, toss, hurl, lure or otherwise maneuver all the other boys off the raft.  A sparse game would have six boys, a real showdown might have 24, ranging in age from the youngest at 12 to highly muscled 17 year old incoming high school seniors with mustaches.  
   8. Very few rules and all of them were unwritten.  The primary one was no dragging another boy along on the raft, because that indoor/outdoor carpeting can tear the skin right off your back or chest very quickly, especially if the victim is struggling with all his might, as he should be, and as was the norm,  And no choking and no hitting or kicking anyone in the groin.  That was about it.  Otherwise it was a free for all, with shoving and pushing and lunging and clinging and teams of boys working together and alliances broken by Machiavellian tricks all for the great prize of being able to stand, alone, on the raft, with all your companions in the water and to beat your chest and yell with all your might at the top of your lungs, "I am the King of the Raft!"
   9. Now occasionally, a gargantuan 16 or 17 year old would dominate the raft and be obnoxious as king, and then two of the 20 or 30 something year old camp leaders would swim out to administer a form of camp justice and dethrone the obnoxious king by heaving him in a remarkable high trajectory to a watery landing many feet from the 144 square feet of green carpeted real estate. 
   10. Then the game changed.  Then it was get the leaders time and the game moved into another phase when all the fat little ignorant campers had a chance to take on the two leaders, and a battle royale ensued with the campers on one side and the leaders on the other.  
   11. I did this for seven summers.  From 1981 to 1987, five years as a camper and two years as a leader.  And I learned a lot of life lessons on the raft, both as a skinny, vanquished, frequently airborne FLIC and as king.  
   12. So I hope I was able to create a word picture for you, some images of what it was like on the raft at Camp Onaway on the Waupaca chain of lakes in the 1980s.  We going to come back to the images of king of the raft  later in the episode.  
3. Intro -- Welcome to Interior Integration for Catholics
    
   1. I’m clinical psychologist Peter Malinoski and the reason this Interior Integration for Catholics podcasts exists is to help you toward  loving God, neighbor and yourself in an ordered, healthy, holy way. -- It's about tolerating being loved, and about loving.  This podcast and especially the Resilient Catholics Community is a training ground for overcoming your natural level impediments, your psychological obstacles to accepting love from God and others and loving God, neighbor and ourselves in the best ways possible.  It all about your human formation, all about shoring up your natural foundation for the spiritual life, all about training and equipping you to follow the two great commandments -- to love God with all your being, with every part of you, and to love your neighbor.  
4. 
   
   1.  This is Episode 74, 
5. 
   
   1. Released on June 28, 2021 and titled Internal Chaos and Blending vs. Internal Peace and Integration
6.  
7. Internal Chaos vs. Internal Peace
    
   1. Psychotherapist Peter Michealson describes how quote the unconscious mind of adults is buffeted by gale-force winds of emotional chaos that originated as an infantile effect decades earlier. Emotional associations from our distant past now buffet our life in incredible, mysterious, spectacular, and frequently painful and self-defeating ways.
8.  

 

Emotions percolate and circulate in our unconscious mind with some degree of chaos. We all know what it’s like to be happy one moment, sad the next, with no conscious input from us. We also know how hard it can be to regulate our desires, impulses, and emotional reactions. Both neuroscience and psychology have established that our brain struggles mightily and often unsuccessfully to limit the effects of irrationality. Often we try to apply common sense and reason to moderate unpleasant emotions or to curb self-defeating impulses. Yet our emotional side, with a life of its own, can often be impervious to rational entreaties.  End quote

 

1. Reimagine the raft battle
    
   1. But instead of generally good-hearted boys working on their developmental tasks of becoming men through struggling and wrestling with each other
2.  
   1. You have players that believe that they are locked in a life and death struggle, a deadly battle for supremacy. 
3. 
   
   1. Think of the raft battle now as a gladiatorial contest to the death -- or following the plots of the Death Race movie series -- Jason Statham, Frederick Koehler, Ian McShane.  Five movies.  
4. 
   
   1. That my dear listeners, is how it is inside of us for  most of us, whether we realize it or not. 
      1. The players are our parts, remember --  those Separate, independently operating personalities within us, each with own unique prominent needs, roles in our lives, emotions, body sensations, guiding beliefs and assumptions, typical thoughts, intentions, desires, attitudes, impulses, interpersonal style, and world view.  May seem to use like modes of operating
      2. Our systems may seem quiet in the moment -- maybe one of our manager parts has a really strong hold on the raft and is able to keep the others in the water, some of the submerged, drowning, in an attempt to hold on to some pseudo stability, and function in day to day life.  But the other parts are waiting and watching for an opportunity to leap on the raft, into conscious awareness and forcibly de-throne the blended part who was king of the raft.  
      3. But underneath, the other parts are waiting, watching. Looking for an opportunity to become the king of the raft, to drive the bus, to govern the system.  
5. 
   
6. Because of original sin, the sins of others, and our own personal sins, that's what it's like inside for almost everyone.
7. Blending
    
   1. What is the key word her...

Fr. Dave Pivonka TOR, president of Franciscan University joins us to discuss the integration of personal formation for college students.  We address the danger of over-spiritualizing – spiritual bypassing – and how many of the struggles in the Church in the last 50 years are due to human formation deficits.  Fr. Pivonka shares his insights about how transformation first happens interiorly, inside oneself – and then radiates outward to change the world.  We discuss the difficulties that college students frequently face, the importance of community, concerns about pietism, and embracing our true identity.  College students and their parents will not want to miss this episode. 

1. In this episode, I lay out the whole mission and purpose of the Interior Integration for Catholics Podcast -- answering the six central questions so that you can make an informed decision about whether this podcast fits you and your needs.  Get the latest in my discernment about this podcast and the Resilient Catholics Community, where we are going.  
2. Lead in:  [cue Sundancer music] Who, What, Where, When, Why and How -- those are the six questions we're addressing today about this podcast.  
   1. Why those questions?  It's all about fit.  It's all about being clear about the target audience for this podcast and whether or not you fit.  I'm putting all my cards on the table, total transparency, so that you can make an informed decision about whether you want to engage with me or not.  
   2. So let's ask the questions.  Who is this Interior Integration for Catholics podcast for -- yes, it's for Catholics, but it's only for a small number of Catholics, maybe about 3700 Catholics in the world.  How did I get to that number -- stay with me for the calculations later in this episode.  
   3. What is this podcast all about -- what is the mission, what is the purpose of the podcast?  
   4. Where does this podcast focus?  Spoiler alert:  -- Deep inside you, but you'll have to stay tuned to find out more about that…
   5. When:  what is the new frequency and episode length for this podcast?
   6. Why:  Why should you listen?  I'm asking you for time, attention, concentration and effort -- why should you engage with this podcast at all?  I'll be fleshing out all the reasons
   7. How:  How do we make it all happen with you, for you and in you?  
   8. Find out the answer to all of these questions in this episode of Interior Integration for Catholics, number 84, The Who, What, Where, When, Why and How of the IIC Podcast [cue intro music]
3. Intro: Welcome to the podcast Interior Integration for Catholics, thank you for being here with me, I am honored to be here with you, and today we are discussing you and me and us and this podcast.  We are going to get all relational as we often do here.  Because this is a relational podcast.  I'm not just a talking head in podcastlandia, I'm a real person, you're a real person and I'm into real relationships.  
   1. I am clinical psychological Peter Malinoski and you are listening to the Interior Integration for Catholics podcast -- the IIC podcast for short).   Interior Integration for Catholics is part of our broader outreach Souls and Hearts bringing the best of psychology grounded in a Catholic worldview to you and the rest of the English-speaking Catholic world through our website soulsandhearts.com.  Check that out, soulsandhearts.com for so many great resources that bring psychology and Catholicism together in a way that is faithful to the truths of our Faith.  
   2. Let's get into answering the questions -- the who, what, where, when, why, and how of this podcast.  
4. Who is the IIC Podcast For?  It's for You.
    
   1. Ideal listener
       
      1. If you have it all together, if you're sky high on life, if you continually leap from one pinnacle of natural excellence to an even higher summit of human greatness, bounding upward, always with grace and precision and a laser focus on perfection -- good for you. I'm happy for you and in awe of you.   But you don't need this podcast.  
   2. 
      
      1. Let me put it this way.  This podcast is for the Catholic who admits he or she is hurting, struggling, a lost sheep, in need of help.
      2. This podcast is for you who are like me, who are very imperfect, wounded, harmed in various ways, who are confused and frustrated, who are weary, who are lonely, who are burdened in different ways.  
      3. It's for your parts.
          
         1. we are a unity but also a multiplicity.  We don't have a single, unified, homogenous, monolithic personality.   We have several or many parts, each one with its own personality.  This concept of parts of us is absolutely central to this podcast.  If this idea of parts does not appeal to you, you probably won't like these episodes.  I believe there were two major discoveries in psychology, one at the end of the 19th Century -- the discovery of the unconscious -- Freud popularized that.  And the other near the end of the 20th century -- the discovery of the multiplicity of self which Richard Schwartz popularized.  
      4. 
         
         1. Definition of part:  Separate, independently operating personalities within us, each with own unique prominent needs, roles in our lives, emotions, body sensations, guiding beliefs and assumptions, typical thoughts, intentions, desires, attitudes, impulses, interpersonal style, and world view.  Each part also has an image of God and sense of identity, who you are.  Robert Falconer calls them insiders.  You can also think of them as separate modes of operating if that is helpful.  
      5. 
         
         1. This podcast is especially for your inner outcasts, those parts of us that you reject -- inner lepers, inner tax collectors, inner Pharisees, inner critics, our inner prostitutes, the untouchables within us, our inner rebels, fugitives, inner vagabonds and bums, our inner abused children.  Our refugees, our inner imprisoned convicts the parts that don't get to see the light of day, the parts that may have never been loved by you or any other human being who walks the face of the earth.  
         2. As I've discussed in so many previous episodes, especially Episode 71: A New and Better Way of Understanding Myself and Others -- I firmly believe that the concept of a core self and these several or many parts helps us to make so much more sense of our experiences, helps to explain so much.  And as I laid out in Episode 73, Is IFS Really Catholic, I believe that with some modifications, IFS can be harmonized with our Catholic Faith.  
         3. St. Augustine, Confessions “My inner self was a house divided against itself.”  That's parts.  
         4. Romans 7:15  I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate.
         5. It's not just about willpower
             
            1. Romans 7:18b  I can will what is right, but I cannot do it. 
         6. 
            
            1. This isn't about willpower -- Paul had amazing willpower.  It's not about the intellect.  Its about those two discoveries in psychology -- the unconscious and the fact that we have parts.  
         7. 
            
      6. Openness and receptivity to learning and growing.
      7. This podcast is for you, you, the one who deeply desires an intimate, personal relationship with God and with Mary, even if  you struggle with it\
      8. You who want to be able to come to God our Spiritual Father and Mary our Spiritual Mother with childlike trust and complete confidence
      9. Overcoming your natural-level impediments 
      10. Anything that compromises our capacity to relate and love in the natural realm will compromise our capacity to relate and love God and Mary.  Period.  Full stop.  
      11. Invested in own human formation, and is motivated to grow
           
          1. Psychologically-minded
      12.  
          1. Embraces the multiplicity/unity aspects of the human person and wants to relate better with self internally.  
      13. 
          
          1. Willing to tolerate some suffering -- it will cost you to really engage with these podcasts
              
             1. Attention and concentration
          2.  
             1. Experiential exercises
          3.  
      14. Wants to love se...

In this episode, informed by Internal Family Systems and grounded firmly in a Catholic worldview, Dr. Peter guides you to connect with your spiritual manager parts who protect you against your own anger at God, getting to know those parts' concerns about why anger at God is dangerous or unacceptable.  This is an important step in the journey to working through your anger at God.  We discuss how to work safely with your parts, with a spirit of cooperation and collaboration, not rushing.  Come join us on an adventure inside.  At the end, audience participants debrief, share their experiences with Dr. Peter and he answers questions.  

1. Intro: Welcome to the podcast Interior Integration for Catholics 
   1. Interior Integration for Catholics brings to you in each episode the best psychological information essential for your human formation, knowledge that is fundamental in shoring up the natural foundation for your Catholic spiritual life.  
   2. In this podcast, we confront the tough questions we Catholics have in our day-to-day lives, we confront head on our struggles in the natural realm, the psychological difficulties that keep us from fully loving our Lord and our Lady in a deep, personal, intimate way. 
   3. And we deal with these difficult, demanding issues for one primary reason: to free you to love God our Father, Jesus our Brother, the Holy Spirit and Our Mother Mary more and more over time.  
   4. This podcast helps you focus inward on your interior integration -- to help you bring together the different parts of yourself into unity and harmony with God.
   5. 'Together, we are on a journey toward deep transformation in our mindsets, our heartsets and our bodysets, a radical transformation at the core of our being so that our souls can one day enter into contemplative union with God. 
   6. I’m clinical psychologist Peter Malinoski and I am here with you, to be your host and guide.  
   7. This podcast is part of Souls and Hearts, our online outreach at soulsandhearts.com, which is all about shoring up our natural foundation for the Catholic spiritual life, all about overcoming psychological obstacles to being loved and to loving God and neighbor
   8. This is episode 55, released on February 15, 2021
   9. This is the seventh episode in our series on sexuality and the fourth one on masturbation.  
   10. And it is titled: Why Catholics Use Pornography
2. Practical steps you can take to overcome a pornography problem. These are good but only go so far:
    
   1. Device management
3.  
   1. Accountability
4.  
   1. Support Group
5.  
   1. Therapy
6.  
7.  Inner Work: Here we get to the root of the problem and find lasting solutions
    
   1. Recognize that the pornography use has a negative effect on one’s life
       
      1. Marriage and family
   2.  
      1. Career
   3.  
      1. Downtime
   4.  
      1. Relationships
   5.  
      1. Spiritual life
   6.  
8. 
   
   1. Awareness that something must be done and that one needs to commit to change
9.  
   1. What part of me doesn’t want to change? It’s a “protector”
10.  
    1. Recognize that the part of you turning to pornography is a protector
11.  
    1. The protector doesn’t want the system to feel pain
12.  
    1. At some point the protector learned that pornography is an escape from pain
13.  
    1. The protector also learned that pornography can meet unmet needs
14.  
    1. Identify the positive intention of the “pornography” protector
15.  
    1. Identify what this protector really believes about why pornography is the only answer
16.  
    1. See this protector (unblend) and recognize his misguided but sincere intention
17.  
    1. If the protector is protecting an exile (the pain) then promise to attend to the exile
18.  
    1. Allow him to share with you his real unmet needs
19.  
    1. Recognize that the fantasy involved in the pornography choices represent a dynamic that seeks to meet the unmet need
        
       1. Safety
    2.  
       1. Attachment injuries
    3.  
       1. Being seen
    4.  
       1. Seeing others
    5.  
       1. Connection
    6.  
       1. Sense of “power” or agency
    7.  
       1. Traumatic re-enactment
    8.  
20. 
    

Episode 20.  Resilience: Ten Factors

 

June 15, 2020

 

Intro: Welcome to the podcast Coronavirus Crisis:  Carpe Diem, where you and I rise up and embrace the possibilities and opportunities for spiritual and psychological growth in this time of crisis, all grounded in a Catholic worldview.   We are going beyond mere resiliency, to rising up to the challenges of this pandemic and becoming even healthier in the natural and the spiritual realms than we were before.  I’m clinical psychologist Peter Malinoski your host and guide, with Souls and Hearts at soulsandhearts.com.  Thank you for being here with me.  This is episode 20, where we are starting a multi-episode deep dive into resilience and discuss 10 elements that constitute resilience as defined by the general literature.  Today we are going to define resilience and cover 10 primary resilience factors – from a secular perspective.  This is episode 20 entitled Resilience: Ten Factors and it is released on June 15, 2020.  In the next episodes were are going to get much more into how to develop greater resilience.  In the next episode, we are also going to get into a Catholic understanding of resilience that incorporates what we know to be true by our faith.  

But for today, we are starting with how secular psychology defines resilience.  We are looking at the elements that secular psychology states are the factors of resilience.  We want a solid conceptual base, we are being catholic with a small c here, meaning universal.  I’m drawing from many sources here, but there’s one book that stands out, one book that I’m using in particular for this episode, because of how it’s based in research and its simple, effective organization.  It includes insights from neuroscience research, and it has great illustrative stories, so it’s more than readable, it’s engaging.  The book is “Resilience: The Science of Mastering Life’s Greatest Challenges by Steven Southwick and Dennis Charney.  The book is now in its second edition and I like their structure and their emphasis on looking for research-based evidence, not just their personal experience.  

So what is resilience?  What does secular psychology mean by resilience?  Let’s define resilience.   It’s definition time.  [Cue sound effect]

The American Psychological Association defines resilience as “the process of adapting well in the face of adversity, trauma, tragedy, threats or significant sources of stress— such as family and relationship problems, serious health problems or workplace and financial stressors. It means "bouncing back" from difficult experiences.” 

Let’s break that down.   In the secular world, resilience is about adapting yourself to life’s demands, it’s about handling the challenges and curve balls that life throws at you with poise.  It’s about recovering previous levels.  It’s about getting up as many times as you are knocked down by dangers and misfortunes, it’s about journeying on under the load of troubles and difficulties that life brings us.  It’s about not succumbing to failure, not collapsing under stress, not being destabilized by hardships and tough situations.

The word resilience derives from the present participle of the Latin verb resilire, meaning "to jump back" or "to recoil."

 

The concept of psychological resilience draws from physics.  In physics, resilience is the ability of an elastic material (such as rubber) to absorb energy when it is deformed by some agent and release that energy as it springs back to its original shape.  

Imagine a racquetball flying back to the player, [cue sound] who strikes the ball with the racquet, squeezing the ball, flattening the rubber.  The ball absorbs the energy of the swing and then in its resilience, it launches off the racquet, discharging all that energy as it flies away.  

What resilience is not:  Misconceptions that people have.  Being resilient does not mean you won’t struggle, suffer or experience adversity.  It also doesn’t mean that hardships and challenges don’t affect you.  It’s not stoicism and it’s not being numb or nonreactive.  It’s not about not having needs.  

Resilience is adapting well, regaining your shape after you’ve been knocked hard, just like that racquetball springing back into shape.  It’s not a fixed trait – it is something that can be learned, practiced, improved.  And that is what this series on resilience is all about – it’s about helping you become more resilient in the face of this coronavirus crisis, so you can be loved and you can love God and others.  

So what are the 10 factors of resilience, according to Southwick and Charney?  Let’s just list them, and then we will go into more depth on each one.  Remember, I am using their language here and keeping their focus on a general audience.  In future episodes, we are going to ground the concept of resilience in a Catholic worldview and we are going to really tweak these.  These will be in the show notes on our website, so you can find them there, no need to take notes.  Really listen in, take these in.  In future episodes in this sequence, we will get much more into how do you cultivate these factors, how do you bring them together.  Right now, we are pursuing understanding.  

1.      Optimism:  The Belief in a brighter future – that things will turn out well.   With enough hard work, I will succeed.  Can’t be a blind optimism – not a naïve optimism.  Looking on the bright side of life.  Dwell on the positive.  Glass half empty vs. half full.  

 

2.      Facing Fear:  Not avoiding fear.  Southwick and Charney are really talking about courage here.  Not just giving into fear.  Courage is not the absence of fear – it’s overcoming fear, it’s not letting fear master you.  But it’s not just the development of virtue.  There are test techniques that help with this and we will get into those techniques.  Facing fear with friends, colleagues and with spiritual support – general audience, but here is the spiritual entering in.  

 

3.      A Moral Compass, Ethics, and Altruism:  Doing What is Right  -- Southwick and Charney don’t have much patience or acceptance for moral relativism.  They advise having a moral compass and consulting it.  Getting outside yourself, not being self-absorbed.  Here they focus in on courage again.  Having a backbone.  They discuss how sometimes the choices are extremely difficult.  

 

 

4.      Religion and Spirituality: Drawing on Faith – really interesting in a book for general audience.  Especially helpful in fearing death. – This is not the end.  

 

5.      Social Support  -- can’t be isolated, can’t be alone.  We need to reach out.  Social support protects against physical and mental illness.  Social neuroscience.  

 

 

6.      Role Models:  We all need them.  We can’t raise ourselves.  We need mentor, guides to help us find our way.  Parents, other relatives, teachers, coaches, friends, colleagues, even children – our own or others.  People that show us the way.  Breaking out from the effects of negative role models, not imitating our parents or others clo...

Episode 32. – Trauma, Trust, Treatment and Truth     September 7, 2020.

 

Intro: Welcome to the podcast Coronavirus Crisis: Carpe Diem!, where with God’s help you and I rise up and embrace the possibilities and opportunities for spiritual and psychological growth in this time of crisis, all grounded in a Catholic worldview.   We are going beyond mere resilience, to rising up to the challenges of this pandemic and becoming even healthier in the natural and the spiritual realms than we were before.  I’m clinical psychologist Peter Malinoski your host and guide, with Souls and Hearts at soulsandhearts.com.  Thank you for being here with me.  This is episode 32, released on September 7, 2020 and it is titled: Trauma, Trust, Treatment and Truth.  Today is a deep dive into the effects of trauma and attachment wounds on Trust.  And then we will discuss how by God’s grace and with his help we can experience God as he is, not our distorted God images, rise out of the ashes of our experiences and our injuries.  

 

Very specific techniques to help.

 

Era of Coronavirus – call to trust God and Mary.  

 

Reviews 

 

Episode 30: discussion of why we mistrust God so much, and it is because we are trying to be way too big.  Trying to make it on our own we don’t feel safe.  

 

We hate and fear the dependency required to be in a real relationship with God. 

 

On my terms, on my conditions, within my vision, within my understanding.  We’re going to meet as equals.  We are going to be partners, like equally or almost equally yoked.  God is my co-pilot bumper sticker.  Becoming small so that God can be big.

 

 

Episode 31  The One Thing You Must Have to Be Resilient.  The one thing that you need, the one prerequisite.  Absolute childlike trust

 

There is one thing that separates those who are resilient from those who are not.   Childlike Trust (particularly in God’s goodness and his Providence for me in particular) separate those who are resilient from those who are not.  

 

In both those episodes, we look at the critical period from age 0 to 24 months, when the major developmental task is to resolve the conflict between trust and mistrust.  Almost every development will psychologist points to this as the critical developmental work in this stage of life.  

 

We also discussed how so much of the developmental work in this during the ages of 0 to 24 months is done not by the infants or the toddler, not by the little child, rather by the parents.  We don’t expect infants and toddlers to be listening to self-help tapes and engaging in self-improvement classes.   They are far from the age of reason.  So in this issues of trust, God and Mary do the main lifting.  We allow ourselves to be changed, to be formed.  

 

What little children, what infants and toddlers have is a great capacity for receptivity and a freedom from self-consciousness.  They have a natural humility.  They don’t worry about their self-image so much.  They are flexible.  They use their imaginations.  They don’t fear failing.  They don’t degrade themselves when they’re trying new things.  They can be learning to walk, falling down, and laughing at themselves.  They can make mistakes, they can try things out.

 

No one expects perfection from a little child.

 

Most therapies have focused on greater maturity, greater self-efficacy, being a more effective agent in the world, growing up.

 

List of therapies and their goals

 

These therapist have trouble when there is complex trauma, especially when that trauma goes back to the first two years of life.  Recent protocols developed.  Bootstrap therapies don’t work.  Very low success rates.  

 

1.      Focus on complex trauma –

2.      Complex trauma: 

a.         is usually interpersonal i.e. occurs between people usually people who know each other

b.        involves being or feeling trapped

c.        is often planned, extreme, ongoing and/or repeated

d.      often has more severe, persistent and cumulative impacts

e.        involves challenges with shame, trust, self-esteem, identity and regulating emotions.

f.        Results in different coping strategies. These include alcohol and drug use, self-harm, over- or under-eating, over-work etc.

                                                                          i.      emotional dysregulation

                                                                        ii.      changes in consciousness – dissociation

                                                                      iii.      negative self-perception – shame, inadequacy

                                                                      iv.      problems in relationships

                                                                        v.      distorted perceptions of others, including abusers

                                                                      vi.      loss of systems of meaning – losing my religion REM 1991

g.      affects emotional and physical health, wellbeing, relationships and daily functioning

3.       Complex trauma is trauma that occurs repeatedly and cumulatively, usually over a period of time and within specific relationships and contexts.” Examples include severe child abuse, domestic abuse, or multiple military deployments to dangerous locations.

Single incident trauma occurs with `one off’ events. It is commonly associated with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Single incident trauma can occur from a bushfire, flood, sexual or physical assault in adulthood, or from fighting in a war.

 

 

Dyadic resourcing is typically a five step process: 

 

1.       identifying a nurturing adult resource,

2.    &n...

Episode 35 Being Both Big and Small        September 28, 2020.

 

Intro: Welcome to the podcast Coronavirus Crisis: Carpe Diem!, where by God’s grace, you and I rise up and embrace the possibilities and opportunities for spiritual and psychological growth in this time of crisis, all grounded in a Catholic worldview.   We are going beyond mere resilience, to rising up to the challenges of this pandemic and becoming even healthier in the natural and the spiritual realms than we were before.  I’m clinical psychologist Peter Malinoski and I am here with you to be your host and guide.  This podcast is part of our Souls and Hearts, our online outreach at soulsandhearts.com, which is all about shoring up our natural foundation for the spiritual life, all about overcoming psychological obstacles to being love and to loving.  

 

Thank you for being here with me.  This is episode 35, released on September 28, 2020 and it is titled: Being Both Big and Small.  

 

Ok, so it’s time for questions from our listeners from the last couple of sessions.  But only I got only one question from the last session in the Resilient Catholics Carpe Diem! community, and she essentially answered it so well herself in our RCCD discussion boards that I don’t have a lot to add.  So I am going to make up a question – from an imaginary listener who wants to remain anonymous, so I am going to call him Johnny Hind:    The good thing for a host about making up questions is that you can have them be exactly what you want them to be, and that’s what’s happening now.  

 

From Johnny Hind:  Dr. Peter, what about responsibility?  What about being grown up?  I’m confused about how, the challenges of this world, I’m supposed to be mature, wise, virtuous and so on.  That doesn’t sound like being a baby or a toddler.  I can’t just curl up in a corner suck my thumb and wait  for God and Mary to rock me to sleep all the time.  I have responsibilities!  How do I be both small, childlike, trusting and but also grow to the fullness of manhood or womanhood?  

 

Those are our questions for today.  

 

 

So for the last five episodes, numbers 30 to 34 we have been discussing being small, being like little children, going beyond just accepting our absolute dependency on God – but embracing it.  

 

following the words of our Lord Jesus Christ:  

 

Matthew 18 1-4  At that time the disciples came to Jesus, saying, “Who is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven?” And calling to him a child, he put him in the midst of them, and said, “Truly, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Whoever humbles himself like this child, he is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.

 

Matthew 19 13-15  Then children were brought to him that he might lay his hands on them and pray. The disciples rebuked the people;  but Jesus said, “Let the children come to me, and do not hinder them; for to such belongs the kingdom of heaven.” And he laid his hands on them and went away.

Proverbs 3:5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not rely on your own insight.

 

John 15:4-5   Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me. 5 I am the vine, you are the branches. He who abides in me, and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing.

 

1 Peter 2: 2-3 2 Like newborn infants, long for the pure, spiritual milk, so that by it you may grow into salvation—

 

Now we are going to look at the other side of the coin.  Maturity, Responsibility

 

St. Paul in 1 Corinthians 13:11 When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child; when I became an adult, I put an end to childish ways.

 

Ephesians 4:15  Rather, speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ

 

Sirach 15 Do not say: “It was God’s doing that I fell away,” for what he hates he does not do.  Do not say: “He himself has led me astray,” God in the beginning created human beings and made them subject to their own free choice. If you choose, you can keep the commandments; loyalty is doing the will of God. Set before you are fire and water; to whatever you choose, stretch out your hand.  Before everyone are life and death, whichever they choose will be given them.

 

CCC 1730-1738  Freedom and Responsibility. 

 

So here we have the two demands.  To be childlike and to be mature.  To be small and to be big.  These demands, to be small and big can become extremes.  And in the spiritual life, there are two heresies that reflect these two extremes:  Quietism and Pietism.  

 

Two extremes:  

Quietism  The Spanish theologian Miguel de Molinos developed Quietism.  From his writings, especially from his "Dux spiritualis" (Rome, 1675), sixty-eight propositions were extracted and condemned by Innocent XI in 1687 

Catholic Encyclopedia.  Quietism in the broadest sense is the doctrine which declares that man's highest perfection consists in a sort of psychological and spiritual self-annihilation.  and a consequent absorption of the soul into the Divine Essence even during the present life. In the state of "quietude" the mind is wholly inactive; it no longer thinks or wills on its own account, but remains passive while God acts within it. Quietism is thus generally speaking a sort of false or exaggerated mysticism.  

 

Passivity in therapy.  Psychopathology-ectomy.  Want a general anesthetic, and for me to remove all the dysfunction and problems while they rest.  With my psychotherapy scalpel.  You’re the doctor, you’re supposed to be able to do this.  

 

Pietism is a movement within the ranks of Protestantism, originating in the reaction against the highly intellectualize and reified Protestant theology of the seventeenth century, and aiming at the revival of devotion and practical Christianity. Its appearance in the German Lutheran Church, about 1670, is connected with the name of Philipp Jakob Spener – German Lutheran Theologian, Father of pietism.  

His sermons, in which he emphasized the necessity of a lively faith and the sanctification of daily life

It is primarily one’s own individual achievements, the way a man as an individual lives up to his religious duties and moral commandments, the way a woman imitates the "virtues" of Christ, that ensure them justification. Spiritual growth is an individual self-improvement project that minimizes the role of the Church, mystical body of Christ and all believers.  

In therapy, pietists have to do it all by themselves.  Unwilling to receive help. Suspicious of it.  Might reduce the magnitude of their own achievements,  They have to be captains of their own ships, bootstrappers.  

The quietist says, “Do nothing for yourself.”  God does it all.  I’m totally passive.  God takes all the action.  

The pietist says, “Do every...

In Episode 104, in a experiential exercise, a guided reflection, Dr. Peter guides you in helping your parts who struggle with anger and also parts who work protect you against your anger. Come join us on an adventure inside, where we work to overcome the human formation obstacles to our interior integration. At the end, audience participants share their experiences with Dr. Peter and he answers questions.

Episode 26.  Dictator, Pharisee, and Scrooge God Images – July 27, 2020

 

Intro: Welcome to the podcast Coronavirus Crisis:  Carpe Diem, where you and I rise up and embrace the possibilities and opportunities for spiritual and psychological growth in this time of crisis, all grounded in a Catholic worldview.   We are going beyond mere resilience, to rising up to the challenges of this pandemic and becoming even healthier in the natural and the spiritual realms than we were before.  I’m clinical psychologist Peter Malinoski your host and guide, with Souls and Hearts at soulsandhearts.com.  Thank you for being here with me.  This is episode 26,  released on July 27, 2020 and it’s called Dictator Gods, Pharisee Gods, and Scrooge Gods.

 

In the last episode, episode 25, we looked at three different negative God images proposed by Christian psychotherapists Bill and Kristi Gaultiere in their book Mistaken Identities, published in 1989.  Last week, I decided to reach out to the Gaultieres and let them know that we were discussing their book on this podcast so I emailed them.  Sometimes I do that.  I just reach out to people.  Who knows what will happen? 

 

And Sue, the representative from their ministry, their ministry is called Soul Shepherding – Sue got back to me – Sue got back to me and said “What a blessing to hear from you and to learn of the good work that you are doing for the Kingdom!  It was such an encouragement to hear that you are able to use our resources in your ministry.”  Isn’t that cool?  I think that’s cool.  

 

But wait, there’s more.  I made a request of the Gaultieres and their ministry for something I wanted to give to the member of the Resilient Catholics Carpe Diem Community  – I wanted their permission to be able to pass on something special to those of you those of you who have joined the RCCD community and they said yes. At the end of this episode, I will tell you what that something special is, so stay with me until the end, OK?.  Oooh, very exciting.  

 

In the last episode, I put the question out to you, my audience members – are you interested in this stuff?  Do you want me to cover more of these god images?  And if so, which ones?  I really want this podcast to be interactive, I want to hear from you.

 

Jane in Indiana emailed in, “I want you to do all the God images. They are fascinating!”  Now that is enthusiasm, thank you Jane. I just love it. I really want this podcast to not just be transformative, not just to make a big difference in your life, but to be interesting, no, not just interesting, but fascinating. 

 

Along with Jane in Indiana, I think this God image stuff is fascinating.  It’s also vitally important, not only for our spiritual well-being, but also our psychological well-being.  You can’t have abiding peace, a deep joy, or a solid sense of well-being if you are dominated by negative God images.  It’s just not possible to give in to wretched God images and be happy.  This is so vitally important, people, this God image issue, because how we respond to God images is really going to determine our peace and joy and well-being, both in the natural realm and in the supernatural realm.  Will we approach God?  Will we flee from Him?  Will we fight him?  Will we refuse to follow Him or even believe in him?  

 

So we have two ways we can overcome this issue.  One is to recognize our negative God images and respond to them in a positive way.  And in future episodes we will get into how to respond to negative God images.  I promise.  So the first way to handle negative God images is to recognize them and respond well.  The second way is to resolve them.  I mean it.  To actually resolve them, to heal them.  And we will discuss how to do that in future episode as well, and especially in the Resilient Catholics Carpe Diem community that has grown up around this podcast.  

 

In this episode, we’re going to review three more problematic God images described by Bill and Kristi Gaultiere’s book Mistaken Identities

 

Brief review:  let’s just circle back around and review, what are God images again? 

 

My God image is my emotional and subjective experience of God, who I feel God to be in the moment. This is my experiential sense how my feelings and how my heart interpret God.  My God images are heavily influenced by psychological factors, and different God images can be activated at different times, depending on my emotional states and what psychological mode I am in at a given time.  God images are always formed experientially.  God images flow from our relational experiences and how we construe and make sense of those images when we are very young. 

 

My God images can be and usually are radically different than my God concept.  God concept is what I profess about God, what I choose to believe about God, what I endorse about God.  Intellectual understanding.  

 

Self-images are much more driven, much more intuitive, subjective, and they vary a lot more from moment to moment.    Who I feel myself to be in a given moment, it is who my passions are telling me who I am.  Self-images go together with God images – they impact each other.  

 

If you haven’t already listened to episodes 22, 23, and 24 of this podcast, make sure you check them out, because they have lot more conceptual information and definitions of God images.  

 

So I had a question from a listener Martha in Indiana who wondered if it's usual to say 'yes' to many God images?  Martha is essentially asking if we can have more than one God image, can we have different God images at different times?

 

Now much of the God image literature seems to assume that there is one primary God image. And that makes sense, because often we are in our standard mode of operating. However, there is a greater awareness that, because we have multiple modes of operating, we also may have multiple God images. Sometimes we depart from our standard mode of operating.  Clinically, I have no doubt that each of us has several or even many God images.  So, my dear Martha, I absolutely believe that we have more than one God images.  

 

Over the past several years, I have identified in myself 11 different modes of operating.   I have 11 distinct and identifiable ways of being. I think of models of operating as like parts of me.  Kind of like in the Pixar movie Inside Out, where the main character Riley has different parts of her, each part having its primary emotion, like the red character was angry, the blue round character was sad and so on..

 

Each part of me has a mode of operating each part of me has characteristic feelings, desires, impulses, attitudes, and assumptions about the world. And each of my modes of operating has its own God image and its own self-image.  So I have 11 God images and 11 self-images.  

 

So do you see what you opened up with your question, Martha?  I wasn’t going to go into all of this yet, I wasn’t going to get into all this self-disclosure in this episode, but your question brought it up.  

 

So that’s important to know in and but I’m bringing that up now, because I really do want you to pay attent...

In this episode, Dr. Peter reviews the limitations of current Catholic resources on anger, and then reviews secular resources, including interpersonal neurobiology and the structural theory of dissociation.  We examine the role of the body in anger responses, and discuss more wholistic ways of working constructive with parts that experience anger, rather than trying to dismiss anger, suppress it or distract from it.  The entire transcript is available at https://www.soulsandhearts.com/iic.

Episode 22.  The Core of Catholic Resilience

 

June 29, 2020

 

Intro: Welcome to the podcast Coronavirus Crisis:  Carpe Diem, where you and I rise up and embrace the possibilities and opportunities for spiritual and psychological growth in this time of crisis, all grounded in a Catholic worldview.   We are going beyond mere resilience, to rising up to the challenges of this pandemic and becoming even healthier in the natural and the spiritual realms than we were before.  I’m clinical psychologist Peter Malinoski your host and guide, with Souls and Hearts at soulsandhearts.com.  Thank you for being here with me.  This is episode 22, and it’s called The Core of Catholic Resilience.  

Today we are going to the core of Catholic resilience, we are going to discover what drives resilience in the saints.  We are discussing the one central theme that is absolutely essential for the kind of resilience that transcends this natural world, that incorporates not just our natural gifts, but grace as well.  The saints are the most resilient people who ever walked the face of the earth.  What is the secret of the resilience of the saints?  That’s the question we are focusing on today.  What is the secret of the super resilience of the saints, the secret that allows them to rise up again when they fall under the weight of adversity, of persecution, of their own failings, weakness and sins?  We are getting to that in just a moment.  

I am a believer in spiral learning, especially for this podcast and for the online learning at Souls and Hearts.  So what is spiral learning?  Guess what!  It’s definition time with Dr. Peter. [cue sound effect]

In a spiral learning approach, the basic facts of a subject are learned, without worrying much about the details.  Just the main, plain concept.  As learning progresses, more and more details are introduced.  These new details are related to the basic concepts which are reemphasized many times to help enter them into long-term memory. 

Repeat.  That’s spiral learning.  Homeschoolers might recognize that from the way Saxon math works or the way some other programs teach.  

Why spiral learning.  I really want you to integrate what you learn in these podcasts into the whole of your being – not just have them go in one ear and out the other, but for you to really grip on to them, really hold them, even when times are tough, even when you are in a dark place, even when emotions run high.  

My self-defense instructor James Yeager, in a fighting pistol course I took several years ago taught the class that “The only things you really possess are those things you can carry with you at a dead run.”  He was referring to gear, including weapons mindset – he is really big on mindset, having your head right in crisis situations, and worked with his students to integrate his teachings throughout their whole beings, to have the right responses come up habitually, automatically, reflexively.  I want that for you.  So in these podcasts, we’re nourishing the mind, we’re focusing on the concepts, we’re starting there.  The experiential work will help with the rest of the integration into your heartset, your soulset and your bodyset.  

Since we are already on a hard road together in the Christian life.  I want to make the learning about Catholic resilience and growing in resilience as easy as possible for you.  

So we will spiral upward, coming back to the main themes in the podcast over and over again with new details, new data points, lots of examples, and of course, stories.  As a psychologist and educator, I want this to be really easy for you to take in.  Another benefit of that approach is that each podcast episode can stand alone – you can just pick this up the middle of this series on resilience can get the background you need for the topic of the episode.  I’m really thinking about you when I put these together.  

So let’s briefly review what we’ve learned in this series on Catholic resilience.  

In episode 20, two weeks ago, we discussed the 10 factors of resilience offered by the secular experts.  These were the ten essential aspects of resilience as summarized by Southwick and Charney, two writer for a general audience on resilience whom I respect.  In episode 21 last week we got into the three major ways that secular understandings of resilience are lacking from a Catholic perspective, three important mistakes that secular professionals make in understanding resilience, the things that they miss because of their non-Catholic worldviews.  If you have the time, you can check those two episodes out if you haven’t already, they help to put today’s episode into context, but suffice it to say for today, that Catholic resilience is very different than a secular understanding of resilience.

In the last episode, I offered a definition of Catholic resilience, comparing secular understandings of resilience to a Catholic understanding of resilience.  So now, just to get us all up to speed, let’s review that definition of Catholic resilience.  It’s definition time with Dr. Peter

Catholic resilience  “the process of accepting and embracing adversity, trauma, trials, stresses and suffering as crosses.  Catholic resilience sees these crosses as gifts from our loving, attuned God, gifts to transform us, to make us holy, to help us be better able to love and to be loved than we ever were before, and to ultimately bring us into loving union with Him.   

Today we are making a deep dive into the one essential requirement, the one prerequisite, the one necessary quality you have to have to be resilient as a Catholic.  All the other factors of Catholic resilience flow from this core, this central principle.  

Now you are asking, Dr. Peter, what is this core of resilience, this central principle of Catholic resilience?  I am glad you asked.  The core of Catholic resilience, the kind of holy resilience of the saint is…

Drum Role

A deep and abiding confidence in God, especially in God’s Providence.  

What I am saying is that resilience is an effect – it’s a consequence of the deep, abiding confidence in God, especially in God’s Providential care and love for us. .   Resilience flows from that confidence in God – confidence in God’s care and love for me, specifically.  So resilience is an effect of the spiritual life.  

OK.  Let’s break this down, to make sure we’re on the same page.  What do I mean by confidence in God?  

St. Thomas Aquinas defines it as confidence in God as “a hope, fortified by solid conviction.”  So confidence in God is Hope, but it is a hope fortified, not just an ordinary hope, which could be lost.  It is a higher level of hope, a hope fortified by solid conviction.  The difference between hope and confidence is only a matter of degree – they are the same, but confidence, because it is fortified by solid conviction, is hope supercharged, a super hope, as King David sang in Psalm 119 (118).  “In verba tua supersperavi” read the Latin.  Speravi is I have hoped – Supersperavi – I have hope to the highest level.  Typical translation  “I have hoped in thy word.”

Let’s look at solid conviction.  So solid.  What does that mean?  Firm, grounded, immovable, consistent.  Conviction  -- wh...

We offer you a new and better way of understanding yourself and others – Internal Family Systems (IFS).  But what is IFS?  What are “parts”?  Who are our internal managers, firefighters, and exiles?  Who is your innermost self and what are his or her eight primary characteristics?  What are burdens and what are the extreme roles parts take on after trauma, attachment injuries, or relational wounds?  What is “blending”?  Join IFS therapists Marion Moreland, David Edwards, and me, Dr. Peter, for this overview of IFS as we begin our 2025 deep dive into IFS, grounded in a Catholic understanding of the human person – not just with information for our heads, but also with an experiential exercise for our hearts. For the full experience with visuals, slides, B-roll, conversation and discussion in the comments section and so much more, check us out on our YouTube channel here:  www.youtube.com/@InteriorIntegration4Catholics

1. Intro: Welcome to the podcast Coronavirus Crisis: Carpe Diem!, where by God’s grace, you and I rise up and embrace the possibilities and opportunities for spiritual and psychological growth in this time of crisis, all grounded in a Catholic worldview.   We are going beyond mere resilience, to rising up to the challenges of this pandemic and becoming even healthier in the natural and the spiritual realms than we were before.  I’m clinical psychologist Peter Malinoski and I am here with you, to be your host and guide.  This podcast is part of Souls and Hearts, our online outreach at soulsandhearts.com, which is all about shoring up our natural foundation for the spiritual life, all about overcoming psychological obstacles to being loved and to loving.  
   1. Thank you for being here with me.  This is episode 38, released on October 19, 2020 
   2. and it is titled: Seeing the signs of shame in yourself and others. 
   3. We are going to understand much more deeply the nature of shame, where shame comes from and how it manifests itself inside of us, and how it is expressed.  
   4. We are focusing today on learning more about shame and recognizing it -- recognizing it in ourselves and in others, becoming better able to detect it.     
   5. Remember parts of the dynamics of shame include shame remaining hidden, unobserved, unrecognized for what it is.  Shame is tricky, it's slippery, it loves to camouflage itself. 
   6. We are in a series of episodes about shame.  In future episodes we will get to how shame affects our spiritual lives and we will also focus on how to heal from shame, how to break out of the vicious shame cycles in which we find ourselves spinning.  
2.  So Let's start by Circling back -- review of shame from the last session and then adding some real depth and nuance as we review and expand upon what we covered in the last episode, Episode 37.  
3. Shame is: 
   1. The primary problem we have in the natural realm
   2. That gives birth to so many secondary problems -- we tend to focus on the secondary problems, the problems that are further downstream -- so we are not getting to the root.  
   3. Drawing heavily from Kathy Steele, Suzette Boon, and Otto van Der Hart -- trauma clinicians and researchers who have worked with real clinical population, real people, not just academicians. 
   4. Also drawing from Richard Schwartz and Regina Goulding -- Mosaic Mind.   
      1. Be open to really learning about this
          
         1. this can be challenging 
      2. 
         
         1. take what suits you -- can slow way down.  If this is really activating for you, consider psychotherapy -- Souls and Hearts course on how to choose a therapist.
      3.  
      4. If you can resolve your dysfunctional shame -- have a deep sense of being lovable and loved, by God, others and yourself, you've solved most of your psychological issues on the natural level.  
      5. Shame has five dimensions: shame is a primary emotion, shame is a bodily reaction, shame is a signal to us,  shame is an internal self-judgement, and shame is an action -- a verb (review).  
      6. Adding today behavioral expression of shame
          
         1. These behavioral expressions of shame are not shame itself, but they are intimately linked with shame and some of the best indicators of unrecognized shame.  
      7. 
         
   5. Shame is more than most people assume.  We tend to have very limited, very primitive understandings of shame -- very unidimensional.  
   6. Let's review the five dimensions of shame.  
   7. Shame is a primary emotion -- heartset
       
      1. Primary emotions are those that we feel first, as a first response to a situation. They are unthinking, instinctive, emotions that rise up spontaneously
   8.  
      1. More nuanced.  Just because you're not feeling shame in the moment does not mean that it's not there.  
         1. Consider how a wave of anger feels.  You feel normal, fine, then something happens and there is this intense anger or even rage, and then it passes, the anger goes away again.   That how we typically think of these emotional experience. That how we make sense of them.  But that's not how it is.  That is a dangerous illusion.  A falsehood.  A pipe dream.  The anger didn't just come and go, just like that.  And you know this at some level, because sometimes you ask yourself -- why am I so angry about that little thing, why did something so minor just set me off?  The emotional reaction is disproportionate to the trivial event.    
         2. A wave of shame -- feels like it wasn't there, and then something happened, like a negative review from your boss it was there in all its intensity and you're just trying to hold it together through the rest of your performance review, and then the shame passes and you're not feeling it anymore.  If I don't feel it, it's not there.  Seems reasonable, right?
         3. But what if, what if that wasn't what really happened.  What if the same amount of shame was within you the whole time -- it was just latent, outside of awareness.  And rather than the shame coming and then going, what if it was your awareness of your shame and anger that changed.   What if you at first where disconnected from your shame out of touch with it.  Then your defenses were overrun and you were overwhelmed with shame, and then your defenses were able to come back online and you no longer felt the shame. What if the intense shame was there the whole time?   That's a whole different model  Let's say that you were disconnected from unresolved shame.  
         4. A high level of shame or anger can endure within us and be intensely felt only on rare occasions when our defenses open up, when they dilate and we can see and feel the shame or anger.  In other words, all that anger or shame generally resides in the unconscious.  
         5. Unconscious
             
            1. The term was coined by the 18th-century German Romantic philosopher Friedrich Schelling  -- 
               1. Schelling suggests that there are two principles in us: “an unconscious, dark principle and a conscious principle” 
               2. later introduced into English by the poet and essayist Samuel Taylor Coleridge 1797, who read the 18th century German idealists.
         6. 
            
            1. Freud.  Unconscious  Mind is like an iceberg  10% above the water -- visible -- that is consciousness -- what we are aware of in the moment.  The vast majority of the iceberg is below the water, outside awareness  -- what you sense is what you get.  
         7. 
            
         8. In North America, we largely don't act as if we believe in the unconscious.  
         9. I think all of us, because of original sin, the sins of others, our own personal sins, the fallen world we live in and our fallen natures -- we have deep reservoirs of shame.  We know we need redemption.  We can sense it at a primal level, and we have ways of distracting ourselves from that reality, from defending ourselves from that reality.  
         10. Richard Schwartz on parts -- we are not just single unitary personalities  Understanding Parts
              
             1. Separate mental systems each with their own
                 
                1. Emotions
             2.  
                1. Expressive style
             3.  
                1. Abilities
             4.  
                1. Roles in the system of the person
             5.  
                1. God images
             6.  

In this episode, we discuss how models help us more fully understand Catholic personal formation by showing distinctions and relationships among human formation, spiritual formation, intellectual formation, and pastoral formation. Next, we examine my new model that views formation through a mathematical lens. I explain each dimension of formation, likening them to a branch of mathematics, and draw from Pastores Dabo Vobis and other Church documents to illuminate the inter-dimensional relationships in personal formation. Finally, I tell a fictional story that illustrates how deficits in one domain of formation can negatively impact all the other dimensions of formation.  Check out the video on our Interior Integration for Catholics on YouTube at https://youtu.be/YDztbbNBBtk or on our IIC landing page at https://www.soulsandhearts.com/iic

1. Intro:  I am clinical psychologist Peter Malinoski, and you are listening to the weekly podcast Interior Integration for Catholics
    
   1. Today in episode 63, we are discussing human formation -- what is it?  What do you mine it's missing for many people?
2.  
   1. Windup: I am going to start with a bold claim and a controversial claim.  
      1. For many, many Catholic adults in our day and age, in our culture, there is a much greater need to focus on human formation than on spiritual formation.
      2. Let me repeat that:  Many, many Catholic adults at this point in their lives need solid human formation more than they need spiritual formation.
          
         1. Serious Catholic adults.
      3.  
      4. Commitment to human formation is so important in the Catholic married sexual life that it composes two of the four legs of my model of a Catholic marriage bed.  
         1. The husband's commitment to human formation -- one leg
         2. The wife's commitment to human formation -- the other leg
         3. Another leg is really understanding attachment and integrity needs (episode 62)
         4. Another leg is a model the Internal family systems-informed model of the person with a self and with parts -- we are a unity and a multiplicity -- episodes 60 and 61. 
         5. The floor is the a deep, abiding, childlike trust in Mary our Spiritual Mother and God our Spiritual Father.  
         6. Building a whole bed here, starting in episode 58.  No need to review all of it now.   
      5. So many Catholics with lots of spiritual formation who have built their spiritual lives on a very, very unsound natural foundation, with mediocre or poor human formation. 
         1. So their spiritual lives are unstable.  
         2. Example of early client -- extreme example
             
            1. Mid 30's, very earnest Catholic, very sincere, distressed --  I have to help his wife understand the Faith.  Wife was Catholic, but a lot of tension between them about his spiritual practices.  
         3. 
            
            1. Danger of divorce -- wife: get to counseling or I'll divorce you 
         4. 
            
            1. Wife concerns?
                
               1. Spending three hours per day in Eucharistic Adoration
                   
                  1. Bringing their young children
               2.  
                  1. Our Lady of Lourdes
               3.  
            2. 
               
               1. No gainful employment
            3.  
               1. Wife feeling constantly criticized by his fraternal corrections, his attempts to help her become more holy.  
            4. 
               
         5. 
            
            1. Spiritual Problems?  No -- problems in the natural realm.  
               1. Blended with a part that is so driven by fear.  
               2. Part desperately trying to please an extremely demanding God and Mary -- trying to become holy, Pelagian efforts
               3. Lack of attunement to children -- alienated from them, they were becoming alienated from the faith
               4. Wedge in the marriage, wife thinks he's a religious nutcase.  
               5. He recognizes there are problems, wife needs to change
                   
                  1. Praying the Rosary
               6.  
                  1. Fatima Visionary Sr. Lucia:  There is no problem, I tell you, no matter how difficult it is, that we cannot resolve by the prayer of the Holy Rosary.
               7.  
         6. 
            
         7. Problems come from his distorted human formation.   
         8. Priest sex abuse scandal.  
            1. Can frame it all spiritually.  
               1. The priest who sexually abused children gave in to lust, it was a violation of the virtue of chastity, among other virtues.  Ok.  Hmmm.  So it was a spiritual problem, a failure, he gave into temptation.   No doubt there are spiritual dimensions to this, including a most grave and serious sin.  
               2. Or is a primary issue with his disordered sexual attraction to children and a real lack of impulse control --problems in the natural realm, a problem with his human formation.  That makes so much more sense to me as being primary.  
         9. Scrupulosity -- so often seen as a spiritual problem, but is one of the most frustrating issues for confessors and spiritual directors encounter -- so often it doesn't resolve with traditional spiritual means.
             
            1. Primarily in the natural realm.  Did a whole episode with Adam Cross The Catholic Therapist on human formation issues, the real issues in the natural realm that underlie scrupulosity.  
         10. 
             
      6. Serious Devastation -- original sin.  
         1. Effect on the human body -- death, illness, pain -- and now intensity of pain in childbirth, physical labor and toil to survive scratching out an existence from cursed ground.  
         2. Effect on the rest of our human formation
             
            1. Distrust of God
         3.  
            1. Fear
         4.  
            1. Anger
         5.  
            1. Loss of harmony
         6.  
            1. Really a kind of dis-integration -- in the world and inside of us.  
         7. 
            
      7. Grace perfects nature; it does not destroy it.  St. Thomas Aquinas
          
         1. We need to work with our human natures.  We need our human natures to be formed.  
      8. 
         
      9. Jesus discussed foundations
          
         1. Discussion of foundations in Scripture -- Matthew 7:24-27
             
            1. 24 “Everyone then who hears these words of mine and does them will be like a wise man who built his house on the rock. 25 And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house, but it did not fall, because it had been founded on the rock. 26 And everyone who hears these words of mine and does not do them will be like a foolish man who built his house on the sand. 27 And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell, and great was the fall of it.”
         2.  
      10. 
          
          1. Jesus as the cornerstone.
      11.  
      12. Algebra and arithmetic.  
      13. Hold up, we're getting ahead of ourselves here.  What is human formation?
3. 
   
4. Definitions
    
   1. Those who follow this Interior Integration for Catholic Podcast know that I am all about defining our terms.
       
      1. So much rests on a clear understanding of what we are discussing.
   2.  
      1. Human Formation, to be honest is a nebulous term.
          
         1. Used a lot in Catholic contexts -- primarily in seminary contexts.
      2.  
         1. A whole section is devoted to human formation in the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops document entitled "Program of Priestly Formation, Fifth Edition" which came out in 2006.  pages 29-42
             
            1. Longest and most complete discussion of human formation I could find in an official church document
         2.  
            1. 14 pages -- but no definition of human formation.  
               1. The foundation and center of all human formation is Jesus Christ, the word made flesh, paragraph 75
               2. Also in paragraph 75, we learn that "human formation is the 'necessary foundation' of priestly formation.  
               3. We learn that the goals of human formation is to foster growth so that a man can become 
                  1. A free person
                  2. Of solid moral character
                  3. Prudent and discerning
                  4. Invested in and capable of communion, of relating deeply with others
                  5. With Good communication skills
                  6.  Affective maturity - integration of feelings, thoughts and values
                  7. Who cares for his body
                  8. Who relates well with others
                  9. A good steward of material...

Real people, real questions.  Parts, attachment, human formation, marriage, conscience, intimacy with God, connection with your innermost self…  Dr. Peter Martin answers audience questions and leads a discussion in this episode, recorded live.  Join in as a “fly on the wall” for the most cutting edge thinking and research on attachment and parts work, applied to the practical problems and issues we face in both the natural and spiritual realms.  Join us on YouTube at InteriorIntegration4Catholics https://youtu.be/dyG_L4WyON4 to like, subscribe, ask questions, and comment -- we'll connect with you there.  

Episode 30. How Small and Childlike are We Supposed to Be? -- August 24, 2020.

 

Intro: Welcome to the podcast Coronavirus Crisis: Carpe Diem!, where you and I rise up and embrace the possibilities and opportunities for spiritual and psychological growth in this time of crisis, all grounded in a Catholic worldview.   We are going beyond mere resilience, to rising up to the challenges of this pandemic and becoming even healthier in the natural and the spiritual realms than we were before.  I’m clinical psychologist Peter Malinoski your host and guide, with Souls and Hearts at soulsandhearts.com.  Thank you for being here with me.  

Let’s jump right in with this critical, central question.  Why is it that we have such a hard time trusting God?  Why is it that our confidence in God is so inconsistent, why is it that we are so fickle?  Why is it so hard for us to have the absolute confidence in God that He merits, that he deserves from us?  That’s what we will be addressing in episode 30 of Coronavirus Crisis: Carpe Diem!, released on August 24, 2020 from the Souls and Hearts studio in Indianapolis.  

The title for today’s episode is How Small and Childlike are we Supposed to Be?  We’re going to get into the psychological side of this question of childlike trust in particular.  There are other sides to the question – the spiritual side, the moral side – we’ll address those sides in passing.  But what is so often neglected, so often denied, so often ignored, and thus so unknown and unavailable to so many Catholics – what we really need so badly -- is a realistic, accurate understanding of the psychological factors, the factors in the natural realm that get in the way of us trusting our God and our Lady.  

We’ve certainly touched on some of these factors before, so let’s review for a moment, let’s go back to take a look at what we’ve developed in previous episodes.  So here is the causal chain as we’ve described it so far:

We have distorted God images in our bones, we have distorted God images in the emotional, intuitive parts of us.  The trouble happens when we give in to those God images, we let them dominate us, we let them take over, we default to them, and we act in accord with those false God images.   Then, our self-image deteriorates.  Meanwhile, we drift away from God or even flee from him.  All the while, we are losing our peace, joy, well-being.  When that gets bad enough, we become symptomatic – anxious, depressed, apathetic, hopeless, panicky, obsessive, whatever our symptoms are.  

So let’s back up one more link in the causal chain and ask the question:  What’s the main psychological reason we don’t resist our problematic God images?  I’m again talking psychological reasons here, not just spiritual reasons like having a particular vice.  

Psychologically, we lose track of who God really is.  We don’t God clearly in those moments, and we waver, we are tempted to doubt, we are inclined to fall again into our destructive patterns, whatever those are for us.  We are lured by our false God images into ways of thinking, feeling, desiring and acting that are harmful to us and to others.   

 

Why Do We Mistrust God and Mary So Much ?  I’ll give you the answer.  It’s because we are too grown up.  We are trying to be way too big.  Actively mistrusting – fearing.  Or just not considering God at all.  

That what we are like when we act big.

We know this.  We know the Bible verses.  We’ve heard them.  But do we really get what they are saying?     

Matthew 18 

1. At that time the disciples came to Jesus, saying, “Who is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven?” 

2 And calling to him a child (RSV, NAB), “little child” (DR) (ESV)he put him in the midst of them, 

3 and said, “Truly, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. 

4 Whoever humbles himself like this child, he is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.  

5 “Whoever receives one such child in my name receives me; 

6 but whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin,[a] it would be better for him to have a great millstone fastened round his neck and to be drowned in the depth of the sea.

 

1 In illa hora accesserunt discipuli ad Iesum dicentes: “ Quis putas maior est in regno caelorum? ”. 
 2 Et advocans parvulum, statuit eum in medio eorum 
 3 et dixit: “ Amen dico vobis: Nisi conversi fueritis et efiiciamini sicut parvuli, non intrabitis in regnum caelorum. 
 4 Quicumque ergo humiliaverit se sicut parvulus iste, hic est maior in regno caelorum. 
 5 Et, qui susceperit unum parvulum talem in nomine meo, me suscipit.
 6 Qui autem scandalizaverit unum de pusillis istis, qui in me credunt, expedit ei, ut suspendatur mola asinaria in collo eius et demergatur in profundum maris.

very little, very small, tiny. petty, insignificant, Tiny.  Like babies.  Like sheep in their understanding.  

When we approach God:  like that.  When sent out as sheep among wolves Matthew 10:16 Wise (Shrewd) as serpents, simple as doves.  Harmless, plain, sincere, without guile.  

Without me you can do nothing.  

19 Jesus said to them, “Truly, truly, I say to you, the Son can do nothing of his own accord, but only what he sees the Father doing; for whatever he does, that the Son does likewise. (John 5:19)

 

30 “I can do nothing on my own authority; as I hear, I judge; and my judgment is just, because I seek not my own will but the will of him who sent me.  (John 5:30)

 

Matthew 19

13 Then children were brought to him that he might lay his hands on them and pray. The disciples rebuked the people; 

14 but Jesus said, “Let the children come to me, and do not hinder them; for to such belongs the kingdom of heaven.” 

15 And he laid his hands on them and went away.

13 Tunc oblati sunt ei parvuli, ut manus eis imponeret et oraret; discipuli autem increpabant eis. 
 14 Iesus vero ait: “ Sinite parvulos et nolite eos prohibere ad me venire; talium est enim regnum caelorum ”. 
 15 Et cum imposuisset eis manus, abiit inde.

Parvulus:  Childhood.  But emphasis on infancy.  Little, slight, unimportant, very young, insufficient, indiscreet, not able to understand.   Diminutive of Parvus  -- small, little, ignorable, unimportant.   

 

A story of cousin Ryan.  3 or 4 years old. Dapper seersucker suit and matching cap.  Christmas morning – big deal on Mom’s side of the family.  I was young teenager.  Wanting to be a big man.  Ryan was playing.  

 

For St. Therese of Lisieux, everything is based on and flows from spiritual childhood asserts Fr. François Jamart in The Complete Spiritual Doctrine of S...

Fr. Boniface Hicks joins us once again as we continue our series on integrated personal formation, this time with a Q&A from our live audience. Fr. Boniface answers a wide range of questions about spiritual and pastoral formation, including: 1) What counsel can you give to those who have experienced poor spiritual formation, especially from formators who only acknowledge the spiritual realm? 2) How do you deal with St. Ignatius of Loyola’s “evil spirits” from the IFS perspective? Would this involve a more compassionate approach to temptation? 3) How do you leverage parts in spiritual direction when your director has no experience with IFS? 4) In the context of Colossians 1:15-20, can you share how your inmost self holds space for an encounter with Jesus and some of your exiled parts? 5) Can spiritual direction be positive and productive if the directee has a strong hiding part or protectors that don’t want to be transparent with the director? 6) Can you talk about the prophetic timing of human formation in the context of Pastores Dabo Vobis, given the cultural issues of the meltdown of the family, marriage, etc.? 7) How do different kinds of suffering relate to our parts? 8) In resisting spiritual bypassing, is there not also the risk of bypassing the spiritual, bypassing the walk with Jesus? Is there a way to navigate this?

In this episode, my guest, licensed marriage and family therapist Dr. Gerry Crete and I discuss how best to engage with borderline dynamics within your family. People with “borderline personalities” have surprisingly intense internal experiences that are rarely handled well by the people around them. Dr. Gerry suggests avoiding both expressing too much frustration and invalidation.  Instead, he recommends trying to view situations from their perspective and looking for the kernel of truth in their reactions. Acceptance of borderline emotions and perspectives can create the opening a person needs to engage more collaboratively.   Learn how to avoid one little dangerous word and use another, much better little word in conversation with those with borderline traits.  Dr. Gerry also responds to these questions (among others) from our live audience: 1) How do you deal with blazing rage and other extreme emotions? 2) How do you navigate narcissism and borderline within a marriage and the battle between the integrity needs of both? 3) How do you learn to love people with borderline tendencies? 4) Where is the balance between sacrificial love and self-care? 5) Will people with borderline ever be capable of developing an awareness of other people’s feelings and perspectives? 6) What is the healing and forgiveness process between a mother with borderline and her daughter? 7) How do you deal with the guilt, shame, and anxiety caused by borderline? 8) How do you stop the cycle of borderline tendencies from being passed from parent to child?

 

1. The Pitch -- Opening
    
   1. Set the Scene Two Great Commandments
       
      1. What is the whole point of your life? What is your mission and purpose? What is the most important thing for you to do?  Really think about that for a minute.  What is your ultimate goal on this planet as a Catholic man or woman?
   2.  
      1. All of us serious Catholics want to love God and neighbor.  
      2.  36 “Teacher, which is the great commandment in the law?” 37 And he said to him, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind. 38 This is the great and first commandment. 39 And a second is like it, You shall love your neighbor as yourself. 40 On these two commandments depend all the law and the prophets.” Matthew 22:36-40
          
         1. Mitch and Sri CCSS  "Together, the two love Commandments sum up the Ten Commandments, three of which delineate our responsibilities toward God and seven of which concern our duties toward others."  
      3. 
         
      4. Luke 10:25-28  25 And behold, a lawyer stood up to put him to the test, saying, “Teacher, what shall I do to inherit eternal life?” 26 He said to him, “What is written in the law? How do you read?” 27 And he answered, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul [being], and with all your strength, and with all your mind; and your neighbor as yourself.” 28 And he said to him, “You have answered right; do this, and you will live.”
      5. Highest obligation of every person.  
      6. Romans 13:8-10  8 Owe no one anything, except to love one another; for he who loves his neighbor has fulfilled the law. 9 The commandments, “You shall not commit adultery, You shall not kill, You shall not steal, You shall not covet,” and any other commandment, are summed up in this sentence, “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” 10 Love does no wrong to a neighbor; therefore love is the fulfilling of the law.
2. 
   
3. The Hurdle -- a problem we're all facing.
    
   1. Simple, right?  But it's not that simple.  
      1. My Catholic Life  
4. 
   

With this statement, Jesus gives a complete summary of the moral law found in the Ten Commandments.  The first three Commandments reveal that we must love God above all and with all our might.  The last six Commandments reveal that we must love our neighbor.  The moral law of God is as simple as fulfilling these two more general commandments.

 

But is it all that simple?  Well, the answer is both “Yes” and “No.”  It’s simple in the sense that God’s will is not typically complex and difficult to comprehend.  Love is spelled out clearly in the Gospels and we are called to embrace a radical life of true love and charity.

 

However, it can be considered difficult in that we are not only called to love, we are called to love with all our being.  We must give of ourselves completely and without reserve.  This is radical and requires that we hold nothing back.

1. And that's the kicker -- to love God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your strength, and with all your mind.  With all of us.
    
   1. Think about what that means.  
      1. Pablo Gadenz  CCSS Luke   "The idea is that the commandment to love God embraces every aspect of one's being."  
2. 
   
   1. Every fiber of our being, every last little bit of ourselves.  
3. 
   
   1. If we really think about this commandment -- what are the implications
       
      1. To love God in every internal experience -- every thought, emotion, body sensation, intention, impulse attitude, belief, assumption, every desire -- every internal phenomenological experience oriented toward loving God.  
   2. 
      
      1. That requires harmony inside.  
   3. 
      
      1. That requires interior integration for Catholics
          
         1. And Interior Integration for Catholics just happens to be the name of this podcast. 
      2. 
         
         1. And this whole podcast is all about helping to you to get so much closer to loving God and neighbor and yourself with your whole heart, your whole soul, your whole strength and your whole mind, with all of you -- and that is the whole mission of our online outreach Souls and Hearts at soulsandhearts.com
      3.  
   4. 
      
4. 
   
5. Intro -- Welcome to Interior Integration for Catholics
    
   1. I’m clinical psychologist Peter Malinoski and I am here to help guide you toward  loving God, neighbor and yourself in an ordered, healthy, holy way.
       
      1. And how do I do that?
          
         1. By focusing on your natural level impediments, your psychological obstacles to tolerated being loved and to loving God, neighbor and ourselves in the best ways possible
      2.  
         1. That is the mission of this podcast -- it's all about your human formation and what you need  on the natural level going forward in your life.  
      3. 
         
         1. John the Baptist is the patron saint of this podcast because he prepared the way for the Lord.  
      4. 
         
         1. I'm here to help you get ready by shoring up your natural foundation for the spiritual life 
      5. 
         
   2. 
      
6. 
   
   1. This is Episode 72, entitled What Keeps You from Loving?  Is it Really Only Your Vices?  (Spoiler Alert:  No!)
   2. Chess analogy -- so the two great Commandments are both simple and complex -- like chess.  
      1. One Level -- Chess is a simple game -- the rules are really clear and can be learned in five minutes, and the trickiest part of the rules is castling -- rook/king switcheroo thing.  Or maybe the en passant pawn capture.  
      2. On another level, chess is complex -- people spend their professional lives learning to play.  Grandmasters learning into old age.   
7. Love Your Neighbor as yourself
    
   1. We are supposed to love ourselves
8.  
   1. Command is not to love our neighbor more than ourselves
       
      1. Not because Jesus is lax:  Mt. 5:48 You, therefore, must be perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect.
   2.  
9. 
   
   1. No one can love you in lieu of you.  
10. 
    
    1.  Doesn't make sense if you think of a person has having monolithic, homogeneous personality -- no space for relationship there.  
11. 
    
    1. In order to love ourselves other and God, we need interior peace.  
       1. Fr. Jacques Phillipe:  Searching For and Maintaining Peace
           
          1. It is of the greatest importance that we strive to acquire an interior peace, the peace of our hearts.  p. 5
       2.  
          1. The more our soul is peaceful and tranquil, the more God is reflected in it, the more His image expresses itself in us, the more His grace acts through us.  p. 5
       3.  
          1. Quoting St. Seraphim of Sarov "Acquire interior peace and a multitude will find its salvation through you.  p. 8
       4.  
          1. p.11 Very frequently, spiritual combat consists precisely in this:  defending one's peace of heart against the enemy who attempts to steal it from us. 
       5. 
          
          1. p. 12.  The first goal of spiritual combat, that toward which our efforts must above all else be...

Our guest, Dr. Bob Schuchts, shares with us his decades of experience as a healer through his discussion of his four identities of love, the four dimensions of formation, the integration of personal formation in the work of the John Paul II Healing Center, the centrality of love in healing, the necessity of felt safety and trust, and the importance of distinguishing the natural from the spiritual, especially with parts and demons. 

Coronavirus Crisis:  Carpe Diem

Grief over the Loss of the Eucharist 

Episode 3

March 27, 2020

Mary Magdalene saw two angels in white, sitting where the body of Jesus had lain, one at the head and one at the feet. They said to her, “Woman, why are you weeping?” She said to them, “Because they have taken away my Lord, and I do not know where they have laid him.” John 20.  

Who resonates with Mary Magdalene’s lament? They have taken away my Lord

The reactions of faithful Catholics to our churches being shuttered are not getting much press.  But grief comes up a lot, a lot in conversations, with tears: Committed Catholics are grieving the loss of access to Our Lord in the Eucharist.  And there are many other emotions as well.  

So we know the reasons that are offered for the closing of the parishes.  

On March 16, the White House guidance to avoid gatherings larger than 10 people.  

In response, almost all dioceses closed the churches and cancelled public masses and gatherings of all kinds. Even confessions are to be postponed unless there is risk of death.  

No reasonable person wants to arbitrarily increase the death count from the virus.  

What has gotten much less attention is the real pain and loss of those of us dedicated and devoted to the Eucharist.  The impact of that loss.  

And this is a place where we can acknowledge that pain and the weirdness of it all.  It is weird to watch Mass on TV or a computer monitor on Sunday morning.  

Mary Magdalene yearning for Jesus outside the tomb would not have been satisfied by watching a video of Jesus on the angel’s iPhone.  

Remember, this podcast is all about embracing the possibilities and opportunities for spiritual and psychological growth in this virus crisis, all grounded in a Catholic worldview.

We are always embracing the situations we find ourselves in and the people we find ourselves with, in deep confidence that all things work together for the good for those who love the Lord.   All things.  All things.  Including our losses of access to the Eucharist.   

So ask the question:  How in God’s Providence can this situation be good for my spiritual life right now?

It’s really important to ask the question.  Many people won’t seek the answer, and won’t find it.  

Some Catholics will cover their grief with anger, and rail against the present circumstances, suffering like rebels. 

Others will endure their grief without imbuing it with spiritual meaning, suffering like Stoics.  

 

We have another option.  

Action item for this episode.  Ask the question:  How is this loss of the Eucharist best for me?  How is it best for me, right now, that I’ve lost access to the Blessed Sacrament, the Mass, Eucharistic adoration, Confession? 

It’s vital that each of you who is struggling with the loss ask that question, and not just accept answers from other people, including me.  And you need to turn it into a prayer, not just asking yourself, but asking God.  Because there are reasons for the loss.  God allowed it out of His love for you..  And those reasons vary from person to person, depending on our needs.  

I want to give some possible answers, not so you can just accept them, because they may not fit you and your needs right now, but to serve as examples.  

1.       One possible answer for some is to increase our thirst for the Eucharist.  Maybe you’ve stared to take our Lord’s presence in the Eurcharist for granted.   Psychologically, we tend to desire things more once we are deprived of them.  So if this is going on for you, you can ask for the love for Our Lord in the Eucharist to increase

 

2.      The loss of the Eucharist may help you to become in touch with some experience of abandonment or betrayal from your past.  There is a psychological technique called an affect bridge – that is where you work to remember when in the past you felt the same way you do now.  For many of you, grief or anger over the loss of the Eucharist may tap into some other unresolved loss in your life.  You can check that out.  In your prayer, your quiet time, go back through your life to the times when you have felt the same way as you do now about the loss of the Eucharist.  Is there something there, unresolved that you should know about?  Something that God is allowing to surface in you now, so that you can take it to him for healing?

 

 

3.      For me, I’m finding out how dependent I have been on my routine.  I rely on my routines.  For me this is about not relying on my spiritual plan of life and my regular spiritual routine.  It’s about relying on God moment to moments and maintaining the Presence of God, recollection, rather than just during my prayer time.  It’s about coming back to deepening the relationship, and embracing my dependency.  I don’t need daily Mass or an hour of Eucharistic adoration to do that.  In this situation, I can embrace the idea that it’s better that I don’t have them.  As hard as it is for me to say that.  I need God, and He is not bound by my lack of access the Eucharist.  

Again, it’s important that you for yourself ask how this loss of the Eucharist is best for you.  And if you are so moved, share it – let me know.  Get in touch with me,  Send me an email at crisis@soulsandhearts.com.  And if you want to learn more about your personal psychological reactions in this crisis and how they interfere with your spiritual life, I am developing a short assessment and some limited-space webinars now. Sign up on our website at soulsandhearts.com on the coronavirus crisis: Carpe Diem page if you want to be notified when they are available.  

 

Join Catholic IFS therapists Marion Moreland, Jody Garneau, and Dr. Peter Malinoski for an in-depth discussion of unburdening, informed by Internal Family Systems and grounded in a Catholic understanding of the human person.  We explore three kinds of burdens -- personal burdens, legacy burdens, and unattached burdens (the IFS equivalent of demons), we provide examples from our own lives, we emphasize the importance of felt safety and protection for all parts, and we discuss the role of attachment theory in unburdening.  In our Q&A with our live audience, we discuss how to approach "hiding parts" as well.  

My guest, Dr. Gerry, answers questions from our live audience about his new book, Litanies of the Heart: Relieving Post-Traumatic Stress and Calming Anxiety Through Healing Our Parts. We begin by receiving some wonderful feedback for Dr. Gerry about his book. Then we dive into some questions our audience has for Dr. Gerry: 1) Can 58 years of rearranging my life to recycle the feelings of shame from being molested be resolved? 2) Can it be true that not all parts can know Jesus or not all parts can have a relationship with Him? 3) Are we naturally in self as children, before experiencing trauma? 4) In attachment terms, can misattunement happen pre-verbally, affecting access to your inmost self before you are able to express it? 5) How much culpability do we have for sinful behaviors driven by the unmet needs of parts who have good intentions? 6) What are the relationships among the inmost self, the intellect, and the will?

1. Intro: Welcome to the podcast Coronavirus Crisis: Carpe Diem!, where by God’s grace, you and I rise up and embrace the possibilities and opportunities for spiritual and psychological growth in this time of crisis, all grounded in a Catholic worldview.   We are going beyond mere resilience, to rising up to the challenges of this pandemic and becoming even healthier in the natural and the spiritual realms than we were before.  I’m clinical psychologist Peter Malinoski and I am here with you, to be your host and guide.  This podcast is part of Souls and Hearts, our online outreach at soulsandhearts.com, which is all about shoring up our natural foundation for the Catholic spiritual life, all about overcoming psychological obstacles to being loved and to loving.  
   1. This is episode 40, released on November 2, 2020 -- we made it to forty together.   
   2. Thank you for being here with me.  
   3. Steep learning curve -- starting to find my groove now, not nearly as rough and awkward as when I started.  
   4. and it is the fourth episode in our series on shame.  
   5. and it is titled: Rape, Incest, Shame, and Silence: A True Story Reexamined, Part 1
   6. This is the first of three or four highly experiential episodes -- these episodes are opportunities for experiential learning -- to learn a lot about yourself and your history.  
   7. Pushing the envelope of what is possible for learning from our experiences in an interactive podcast.  
2. Review
    
   1. Series on shame is vitally important. 
      1. Most people can't define shame -- if we can't put what shame is into words adequate, we can't think about it clearly, we can't engage our intellect and our will
      2. Deficits even in experts' definitions -- they can be very incomplete -- even Brene Brown's definitions are incomplete
      3. Really critical to understand what shame and guilt are and what they cause, what they do to us.  More than just natural life and death -- also spiritual life and death.  
3. 
   
   1. We have been really exercising our deductive reasoning skills so far in this series on shame.
       
      1. Deductive reasoning
          
         1. Start by understanding basic principles and general concepts 
      2. 
         
         1. And reasoning from those, arrives at specific observations and conclusions
             
            1. Top down approach
         2.  
            1. Starting from the general, and getting down to specifics
         3.  
      3. 
         
         1. Clarified definitions of shame and guilt -- really necessary
             
            1. Three episodes ago, in episode 37, we introduced shame as the silent killer who stalks us from within
                
               1. Defined shame -- I drew from many sources
            2.  
               1. Conceptual exploration -- understanding a much more complete picture of shame as not only an emotion, but also a bodily response, a signal, a self-judgement and an  action. 
            3. 
               
         2. 
            
            1. Two episodes ago in episode 38, I invited you to see the signs of shame in yourself and others, to recognize shame in ourselves and in others, becoming better able to detect it, because shame very often, almost always, remains hidden and unrecognized from what it really is.     
         3. 
            
            1. Last episode, Episode 39 we discussed shame and guilt conceptually -- multifaceted aspects of guilt, three aspects -- guilt as a moral state, guilt as a legal state and guilt as an emotion. 
               1. Comparing and contrasting shame and guilt -- conceptual distinctions
         4. 
            
      4. 
         
   2. 
      
4. 
   
   1. But a lot of us struggle to learn that way -- with deductive reasoning, staring with generalities and drawing specific conclusions from them.  Seems so intellectual, so conceptual, it can be hard for some of us to see it --   
      1. we need concrete examples, something we can see, feel, sense, something tangible that we can wrap our minds around.
      2. We need a story -- preferably a true story with real people who did real things, said real words, and who had real experiences.  That kind of thing helps me understand the overarching principles. 
      3. Stories and case histories help us with inductive reasoning -- going from the specifics of a real, given situation to general conclusions.
          
         1. Sometimes called bottom-up reasoning.
      4.  
5. 
   
6. Our Plan with the Story
    
   1. Today, we are going to start with a true story, a real story, chock-full of trauma, shame and guilt. 
      1. And we will go through this story multiple times to really flesh it out. 
      2. We will begin with the facts, the particulars, we will be getting into the details
      3. And from those specifics, we will work our way upward toward clarifying the general principles by studying them in a real-life context 
      4. Can think of the principles we've learned about shame and guilt as the first broad strokes in a drawing, the outline of shame -- now we are going to bring in specifics, we will bring in details in color and this drawing will come alive in the story
      5.  That is what we are doing today.  We are start with a story.  And eventually we will review what we have learned about shame and guilt, the conceptual ideas and we are going to put bring those concepts into this real-life situation.  
7. 
   
   1. Preparation
       
      1. So the last three episodes provide the conceptual foundation for understanding shame and guilt in the natural realm, in the psychological realm.  
         1. If you haven't listened to them and you are a conceptual thinker, you like the principles and ideas first, I would encourage you to listen to Episodes 37, 38 and 39 -- lots of conceptual meat in them
         2. For those of you who learn through examples and stories, those three conceptual episodes may make a lot more sense once we work through this case history -- you can go back and listen top episodes 37, 38, 39 after hearing out this story, get a lot more out of those conceptual episodes the second time around.  
   2. 
      
8. 
   
   1. What is our plan with this story -- delicate material, no surprises
       
      1. Brief go over some cautions about this story, how to listen prudently
   2.  
      1. Next I will go through some training with you as to how to listen to this story to really engage with the story and apply it to your experience -- this is a really important part of your work, so I hope you'll tune into the section that is coming up on how to listen to this story.  
   3. 
      
      1. Then, I am going to introduce the main figures in the story -- today in this episode, number 40  
   4. 
      
      1. Next , in this episode, I will give a little bit of the context and the back story behind the story, things I was able to find out and pull together about the story.
   5.  
      1. And in this episode, I will read the story as it was originally published -- this is in the public domain, it's fairly easy to find -- you can google it.  
         1. The published version is quite short -- 4 paragraphs, about 680 words more or less, depending on the version
         2. While there is detail and substance, the story is not told in a particularly psychologically-minded way -- it's more like a news report focused on the facts -- the behaviors of the characters, not as focused on their internal experiences and their relational connections. 

In this experiential exercise, we invite parts of us to share their stories of why they hold anger toward God.  Dr. Peter offers an invitation to parts to see if we can listen to those stories in an open, nonjudgmental way, understanding that there are always reasons for anger at God, reasons that stem from misunderstanding and misinterpretations of experiences.  Parts are angry more at their images of God -- their idols -- than at who God really is. Live audience participants share their experience in debriefing and Dr. Peter also answers questions.  

 
Coronavirus Crisis:  Carpe Diem

 

Episode 15:  The Main Sign of Psychological Health

 

May 11, 2020

 

Welcome to the podcast Coronavirus Crisis:  Carpe Diem, where you and I rise up and embrace the possibilities and opportunities for spiritual and psychological growth in this time of crisis, all grounded in a Catholic worldview.   We are going beyond mere resiliency, to rising up to the challenges of this pandemic and becoming even healthier in the natural and the spiritual realms than we were before.  I’m clinical psychologist Peter Malinoski your host and guide, with Souls and Hearts at soulsandhearts.com.  Thank you for being here with me.  This is episode 15, released on May 11, 2020 entitled The Main Sign of Psychological Health.

 

In the previous 11 episodes, we have described and discussed the four pillars of resilience:  Mindset, Heartset, Bodyset and Soulset.  Now, we are getting to the really fascinating exploration of how these four pillars interact.  We’re diving into our internal psychological lives to see how our psychological strengths and weaknesses impact our resiliency but also how they affect our spiritual lives.  Because as a Catholic psychologist, I’m really focused on how psychological factors, our psychological structures, our psychological functioning, our entire psychological lives impact how we accept love from God and how we love God in return.  It all boils down to that.  If what I do as Catholic psychologist doesn’t at least help others to accept God’s love and to love God in return – then I am missing the point of the greatest commandment.  

 

So what is the main sign of psychological health?  What is it?  Take a minute and consider it.  What do you think the main distinguishing characteristic of mental health is?  Let’s struggle with this a bit.  In fact, some of you gutsier types might even be willing to stop this podcast for a few minutes and write down your ideas before you listen further.  Write them down, email them to me at crisis@soulsandhearts.com or text them to me at 317.567.9594 – let me know before you continue on.  Let me know what you are thinking!  I want to hear from you.  The answer to the question of what is the main sign of psychological health may not be what you think.  Let’s explore this together  

 

I promise that I will tell you what this central, essential psychological characteristic is.  Not only that, today, I’m going to go over with you the disadvantages of not having that essential quality.  I’m also going to give you a bunch of examples of why this particular quality matters so much and I’m also going to give you some guidance in how to overcome the deficits you have in that area.  All today, all for you.  So hang in there with me.   

 

We are going to start with a story, with a fable by Aesop which will help to illustrate the point.  I really want this to stick with you.  So it’s storytime with Dr. Peter.  

 

A man who had traveled in foreign lands boasted very much, on returning to his own country, of the many wonderful and heroic feats he had performed in the different places he had visited.  Among other tales, he told his listeners that when he was at Rhodes, he had leaped to such a distance that no man of his day could leap anywhere near him as to that.  The traveler claimed there were in Rhodes many persons who saw his prodigious leap, and he could call them in as his witnesses.  The traveler firmly believed his own tale and was adamant about his abilities, and was convincing many of his listeners.  One bystander, though, interrupted him, and said:  "Now, my good man, if this be all true we have no need of witnesses in Rhodes.  Let’s pretend that we are in Rhodes.  Let us see you leap!  Jump for us!"

 

What kind of personality does the boasting traveler demonstrate in this little vignette?   What do you think?  Dependent, Schizoid, Obsessive, Paranoid, Self-defeating, hysterical, psychopathic, narcissistic, depressive, dissociative --  what do you think.  

 

One might argue that you can’t definitively assign a personality style to an imagined character – Oh, but I can.  And I am going to do it, right now.  

 

I see this character, the boasting traveler as narcissistic.  Many of you may have guessed that.  People with narcissistic styles work hard to maintain a very fragile sense of self-worth by getting affirmation from outside themselves.  Something very important is missing – they don’t have deep sense of essential goodness – that they are good because they exist and are made in the image and likeness of God.  At a deep level, often in their unconscious, they feel loveless and fraudulent and are very frightened of their inner sense of inferiority, weakness, shame, and inadequacy.  They work really hard to keep this out of awareness by focusing on the admiration and complements of others.  But their efforts so often backfire and they wind up exactly where they don’t want to be – exposed, ashamed, rejected, despised, alienated from others – like the boasting traveler in the vignette.  

 

Whenever there is psychological disorder, there are disconnects in the internal working of the person. In the case of the traveler, with his narcissism, his idealized image of himself as a great jumper is disconnected from his actual ability.  He is also disconnected from his deep needs and his deep desires, which are buried in his unconscious.  So where there is psychological disorder and distress there are disconnects from reality, internal psychological elements are no longer interconnected, they are split off and fractured, and we break down.  

 

We all have what I call gut-level or intuitive of what it means to be psychological healthy.   You hear this in casual language.   When we describe in casual language someone who is nosediving in his psychological functioning, we say that “He is breaking down.”  “He is falling apart.”  He is losing it.  

 

On the other hand, Someone we see as psychologically well-adjusted – we say that person has got it all together.  He has his act together.  He has all his ducks in a row.  

 

This brings us back to the question:  What is the main sign of psychological health?  The main sign of psychological health is

 

Integration.  The main sign of psychological health is internal integration.  Integration.   Having it all together.

 

So let’s go deeper into that – what does being integrated look like?    It means accepting things in us that we might not like.  We’re not endorsing them or embracing them, but we accept that they exists in us.

  
 Being integrated means that you are aware and accept our emotions, even the ones we don’t like.

               For example anger and hatred.  Anger at our parents, our spouses, our children, our God.  Or deep disappointment.  Knowing our heartset.  

 

Being integrated means that you are aware and accept our thoughts, even the ones we don’t like.

               Not dwelling on them.  Knowin...

Jonathan Teixeira shares how 2000 years of Catholic wisdom on money can inform how you react to, respond to, and manage your financial issues. He dives into the different meaning money has for men and women, described the top three mistakes that Catholic spouses make with their money, and teaches you how to bring God into the realm of your personal finances. 

Dr. Gerry Crete, Marion Moreland and Dr. Peter Malinoski discuss the relationship among parts and how your manager parts make up what is perceived to be your personality.  Dr. Peter offers a 25-minute experiential exercise to help you connect with your manager parts, the ones who make up your "personality."  Then we debrief, describe our experiences of the exercise and answer questions from our live audience.  

Join Dr. Jared Staudt, the Director of Content at Exodus 90 and guest host Dr. Gerry Crete to discuss the integration of personal formation in Exodus. Join in to learn how asceticism is part of human formation, and how both are oriented toward love. Dr. Staudt and Dr. Gerry discuss the difficulties that secularism and individualism cause in our culture and within ourselves, especially for men. What do vulnerability and authenticity look like for men? And finally, how can I be different, how can I change and grow? The Exodus website is at https://exodus90.com/ 

In this episode, Dr. Peter takes close look at an alternative way to manage, work through, and let go of anger, informed by Internal Family Systems (IFS), and especially by the work of Jay Earley.  After a brief review of the major tenets of IFS, we discuss how to work through the different ways that manager parts, firefighter parts and exiled parts hold and manage anger.  We look at the functions of anger in the internal system and especially at the process, the steps of working through and resolving anger held by parts in different roles.  Then Dr. Peter discusses how parts of him hold and respond to anger in a particular subsystem of parts within his broader internal system.  

Coronavirus Crisis:  Carpe Diem

Our Stress Responses:  Discovering, Understanding and Improving Them 

Episode 2

March 25, 2020

Introduction:

Welcome to the podcast Coronavirus Crisis:  Carpe Diem where together we embrace the possibilities and opportunities for spiritual and psychological growth, all grounded in a Catholic worldview.

Today we’re going to talk about how our stress responses give us very valuable information about ourselves, our psychological functioning and also our spiritual development.  

So stress responses are the things we habitually do when we are stressed.  They are ways of coping, ways of trying to adapt to the situation.  

You may know your stress responses or you might not know them.  Here are some examples of stress resposnes:  

·         Raiding the Fridge (chocolate)

·         Biting nails

·         Caught up in video games solitaire

·         Online shopping

·         Obsessive exercise

·         Staring into space

·         Starting arguments with the spouse

·         Cleaning

·         Baking

·         Viewing pornography online

So now we’re going to explore our stress responses?  Why do that?  Why should we care?  Because they tell us what we need, or at least what we assume we need at some level.  And when those stress responses are maladaptive, we can fight them head on and sometimes we have to.  But if we can find the underlying need, we can address it in an entirely new and healthy way.  

My stress response is __________________

Next, let’s ask, “What does your stress response do for you?”  How is that response trying to meet an assumed or real need?

If you listen in, you might find the answer.  

You may already think you know the answer, and you may be right.  

But let’s go deeper together.   

 

Let’s have an open mind and an open heart toward ourselves on this one.  We may have an insight if we are open to it.  

The big theme:  Our stress responses show us our growing edges, the areas in which we need to receive grace and help.  

OK, so here’s the final part.  Let’s bring those needs into the spiritual life.  

In a crisis like this, the need often has to do with being secure or having a sense of safety.  

As Catholics, our need for security and for safety can’t be met by maladaptive stress responses.  

They don’t work.  Chocolate can’t really make you safer.  Nailbiting can only temporarily cover stress, not resolve it.

So to recap:  First, Let’s recognize which of our behaviors are stress responses.  Let’s name them and acknowledge them, own them, be real about them.  So for me, that stress response  is way too much internet surfing and study both of the economic and political news.

Second, Let’s then reflect and be open to the needs or assumed needs we have that drive them.  In my case, an assumed need to predict what is happening and to control it.  My real need though, is for a sense of safety and security.

Third, taking those assumed needs and real needs into the spiritual life in some way that is helpful to you.  In my case, bring the need for safety and security to God the Father and to Mary.  

Ok, so we are winding it up for today.  

Subscribe to this podcast and become a regular listener.

Email me at Crisis@Soulsandhearts.com and let me know what was helpful and what was not.

Sign up for our upcoming assessment and limited-space webinars that will help you learn more about your reactions in a crisis at https://www.soulsandhearts.com/coronavirus-crisis.

Let me know what you need from this podcast.  

Check out Soulsandhearts.com .  

Dr. Gerry has just launched his course for married couples who are recovering from the discovery of porn use – porn use is a stress response for many people.  

Let’s pray for each other.  Our Lady, Untier of Knots:  Pray for Us.  St. John the Baptist  Pray for us.  

 

 

Episode 21.  Catholic Resilience – Where the Secular Experts Get Resilience Wrong.

 

June 22, 2020

 

Intro: Welcome to the podcast Coronavirus Crisis:  Carpe Diem, where you and I rise up and embrace the possibilities and opportunities for spiritual and psychological growth in this time of crisis, all grounded in a Catholic worldview.   We are going beyond mere resilience, to rising up to the challenges of this pandemic and becoming even healthier in the natural and the spiritual realms than we were before.  I’m clinical psychologist Peter Malinoski your host and guide, with Souls and Hearts at soulsandhearts.com.  Thank you for being here with me.  This is episode 21, and it’s called Catholic Resilience – Where the Secular Experts Get Resilience Wrong 

In our last episode, we started a deep dive into resilience by looking at secular conceptualizations of resilience.  We discussed how in the secular world resilience is about adapting yourself to life’s demands, it’s about handling the challenges and curve balls that life throws at you with poise and confidence.  It’s about getting back to previous levels of functioning and adaptation.  It’s about getting up as many times as you are knocked down by dangers and misfortunes, it’s about journeying on under the load of troubles and difficulties that life brings us.  It’s about not succumbing to failure, not collapsing under stress, not being destabilized by hardships and tough situations.

The American Psychological Association defines resilience as “the process of adapting well in the face of adversity, trauma, tragedy, threats or significant sources of stress— such as family and relationship problems, serious health problems or workplace and financial stressors. It means "bouncing back" from difficult experiences.”   You know, like a racquetball that gets hit, squashed, and then regains its shape.  {insert sound}

Seems reasonable enough, right?  I mean, it’s the American Psychological Association, you know, the professionals speaking here.  And in fact there’s a lot of good in that definition that we can draw from.  In considering resilience, though, we as believing, practicing Catholics need to rework the secular notions ingrained in us by our culture.  And that’s what I am here to help you do.  I am here to challenge notions commonly held by Catholics that are actually not grounded in Catholicism.

There are three major problems with the secular definition of resilience.

First problem:  Secular mental health professionals look to at their clients’ personal resources, their talents, their skills, their gifts.  The secular clinicians will work with primarily with those asset and strengths.  These clinicians think about how their clients can have greater autonomy, greater agency, be better able to access their assets and strengths to better adapt to the world.   Most of them will also assess the social support that their clients can access from their close relationships.  Nothing wrong with that, insofar as it goes.  Insofar as it goes.  But it doesn’t go far enough.  As Catholics, we’re not supposed to rely primarily on ourselves, we’re not supposed to be independent, rugged individualists.  And we’re not supposed to rely primarily on our close relationships either, because all other people have their flaws and they will disappoint us.  We’re supposed to rely primarily on God – on His love, His mercy, His power, His constancy.  And while more and more secular clinicians are open to bringing in their clients’ spirituality to help their clients become resilient, it’s not the top thing on the list.  Spiritual resources made Southwick and Charney’s top ten list of resilience factors, but not until number 4 and a little bit in number 10.  From a Catholic perspective, God is absolutely primary in resilience.  And this is the biggest problem of secular-based psychologies in general, not just with regard to resiliency. 

We need to not only understand with our minds who we are and who God is – we also need to involve our souls, our hearts, our bodies.  This is not easy.  There are lots and lots and lots of psychological obstacles to seeing God as He really is.  And I am here to help you do that.  We will go through this process together, harmonizing the best of psychology with a Catholic worldview as we go through all the factors of resilience.  That is what is unique about this podcast.  That is what is unique about Souls and Hearts.  We ground psychology in an authentic Catholic anthropology, an authentic Catholic worldview.  Now today we’re not going into all the solutions for Catholics to become more resilient.  Be patient, I promise you that is coming up in future episodes and especially in the workshops and experiential work that we do in the Resilient Catholics: Carpe Diem! Community.  I want you to become much more resilient, and we’re starting with understanding the conceptual landscape first.  All right, so that covers the first problem that secular clinicians have with guiding others to resiliency – not giving God His primary role.  

Here’s the second problem of secular approaches to resilience.  Most mental health professionals work to minimize suffering and maximize one’s enjoyment of life.  They misunderstand suffering.  Most assume either consciously or unconsciously that suffering is to be avoided, minimized, that it is bad.  They want their clients to feel better, to enjoy life more, to avoid getting hurt, to be able to pursue their own dreams and follow their own paths, to be able to make their own meaning out of life.  They don’t use this word, but which philosophical system argues for maximizing enjoyment and minimizing suffering as the best way?  Well, dear listeners, the word for the belief system that emphasizes maximizing pleasure and minimizing pain is hedonism.  Hedonism.  And hedonism has always been really popular because in our fallen human conditions, hedonism makes sense to our passions – we naturally want to avoid pain and we naturally want to pursue pleasure.  It’s a very worldly way of looking at meaning and purpose in life.  

Most mental health professionals don’t understand the meaning of the cross.  They don’t understand the importance of redemptive suffering.  And hey, it’s not easy to grasp deeply the meaning of the cross.  There’s a lot of ways that people, even Catholics, even faithful devout Catholics get the meaning of the Cross wrong.  The meaning of the cross is not intuitive to the vast majority of us, it’s not available to unaided human reason.  We need divine revelation to understand the meaning of the cross and why the cross is a gift that almost everybody rejects.  Remember that the cross is a stumbling block and a folly – Christ’s cross was seen by the Jews of his day as disgraceful, shameful, a sign that he was cursed by God.  To the Greeks of the day, focused the cycles of time, on order, on harmony, on beauty, the crucifixion was jarring, discordant event, and the resurrection hard to believe.    

But all things work together for good for those who love the Lord – Romans 8:28.  All things.  Therefore all things can be gifts.  If we are loving the Lord, we can receive our sufferings, as gifts, as our crosses that will bring us to salvation, to the joys of eternal life.  Now this can be extremely difficult to do.&...