Inner Work with Steli Efti (Steli Efti)
Explore every episode of Inner Work with Steli Efti
| Pub. Date | Title | Duration | |
|---|---|---|---|
| 15 Jun 2016 | 001: This Podcast Shall not be another “To Do” Item | 00:12:00 | |
Welcome to the first episode of The Steli Efti Podcast. Steli is the co-founder/CEO of Close.io, startup/entrepreneur advisor, and author of The Ultimate Startup Guide To Outbound Sales. Once again, Hiten Shah, is by Steli’s side to offer support and content. Hiten has successfully started two SaaS companies, Crazy Egg and KISSmetrics. He’s also an advisor and investor. If you tuned in to listen to Steli and Hiten talk about the business world, that’s a different podcast. The Steli Efti Podcast focuses on other topics he’s passionate about and stories he wants to share. Show Notes:
3 Key Points:
Links and resources: | |||
| 07 May 2019 | 002: How I Lost the Joy of Public Speaking | 00:16:22 | |
When creating and preparing for speaking engagements, my process is brief, but painful. I suffer a lot during each “joy of birth,” but always follow the same formula: Open laptop, open PowerPoint, and think about what to say. It’s fun for me to step on a stage and interact with the audience. I’m good at it, and people enjoy listening to me. So, why isn’t preparing for talks and speaking as much fun as it used to bei? Show Notes:
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| 15 May 2019 | 003: How to Overcome Your Fear of Creating (And Publishing) Content | 00:10:47 | |
It’s late at night. I’ve been waiting for hours to be produced. Be excited. Be motivated. To create content! Before you start a blog, podcast, or YouTube channel, ask yourself:
Doubts and fears that come with creating content can stop you in your tracks. Do you believe that your content is important and worthy of an audience? Are you afraid that people who like, respect, and know you will think your posts are dumb and boring? If you’re thinking about creating and producing content online, this is my advice:
Create content to give something back to society and help others. Be willing to look foolish in the name of progress. Let your content be consumed and critiqued. Learn to continue, even as you mess things up. You’ll get better, build an audience, and find people who appreciate what you have to say. Make the world a better place! Show Notes:
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| 01 Jun 2019 | 004: Never Ever Stop in the Middle | 00:07:58 | |
Here’s a Steli Efti exclusive just for you! Never, ever, ever stop in the middle. I’ve given that piece of advice several times, but never publicly; until now. No matter what you’re doing—a sales presentation, keynote speech, podcast recording—finish it. Keep going, even if your inner voice tells you to stop: This isn’t going well. I could do this better. I wanted to say something different. Can I stop and do this again? No! There are no redos in real life. You can’t start over. Don’t stop in the middle of a performance and get out of character. Make it part of your performance, instead of trying to rewrite history in front of a live audience. Don’t bore them with your insecurities. It’s not entertaining, engaging, educational, fun, exciting, or valuable. There’s a certain discipline that it takes to learn to keep going, when you think things aren’t going well. Never, ever, ever stop in the middle or beginning. Finish what you started. Then, you can do better next time! Show Notes: When your natural impulse and instinct is to stop:
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| 01 Jul 2019 | 005: Knocking Down a Bully | 00:36:50 | |
The first time I knocked someone down during a fight, they collapsed and couldn’t continue sparring.
I‘m not bragging or super tough, but it felt good. It inflated my ego.
My opponent was younger, shorter, bulkier, muscular, and aggressive.
Every gym has a few of them. Those guys who didn’t get the memo that sparring should not be a fight to the death.
When faced with frustration and fear, most of us decide to never spar again, ask the bully to take it easy, or ask a trainer for help.
It’s the bully in the classroom who makes your life hard. This isn’t school, and you’re not six years old. You can’t run and hide, or go to your teacher, crying for help.
Bullies are everywhere. They could be your managers, investors, co-workers, or opponents.
You can’t create a world where you never have to deal with bullies.
Whenever I’m in a new environment, I try to be overly nice and respectful to make myself and others comfortable.
Mental side of martial arts:
Otherwise, expect the bully to beat you twice as hard. No matter what you do, the bully doesn’ t stop making you the victim, as long as you let them.
Despite limited sparring experience, I’ve never been knocked out.
Who’s actually the weakest? Me or the bully?
Show Notes:
How to control and deal with a bully:
Links and resources:
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| 03 Sep 2019 | 006: The Path to Creating Great Work? Create a Lot of Crappy Work First | 00:32:23 | |
Content is so obvious, so often. Useless. No value. Yet, others are touched, amazed, impacted, and inspired by the most obvious truth of content consumed.
Different people, perspectives, and points in their content journey:
Challenge of crappy vs. quality content:
If you forget how much fun you have creating content, it becomes work. It’s not so fun anymore.
Acknowledge, honor, and appreciate your knowledge and expertise with something that needs to be taught, valued, and shared.
Reasons why you’re driven toward or away from your passion:
Mastering one’s self is definitely difficult. Find a way to recommit to growing and maintaining your passion!
Links and resources:
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| 18 Oct 2019 | 007: How to deal with rejection | 00:09:52 | |
It's one of the most valuable skills in my life: The ability to get rejected, and keep moving on. In today's episode, I share my principal thoughts on dealing with rejection. Most importantly, how to not let rejection slow down your momentum. If you feel that your reaction to rejection has been holding you back from being all you can be, listen to this episode. I'm even gonna work with some of you personally to change the way you handle rejection. | |||
| 02 Nov 2019 | 008: Broccoli & Sweat | 00:06:32 | |
Most of us are spending too much time searching for a better way of doing things, and not enough time actually doing them. Yes, there might be a better, more efficient way to lose weight than eating more broccoli and breaking a sweat at the gym. Eating better and working out more works. And it probably works better than at least 70% of the diet systems, weightloss books, slimming widgets, fatloss supplements that all add up to a multi-billion dollar industry. You already know what to do. You just don't want to do it. And the same is true for most things in life. We already know the answers to most of the really important questions. We just don't like them, so we're looking for something easier. That's the trap. So take one problem you've had for a while and ask yourself: "What's the simplest way to solve this that at the same time I really really don't want to do?" There you have it. Your answer. Now go do that :) Don't wanna? Well, welcome to the club. Think I'm wrong about this? Let me know on twitter @steli | |||
| 08 Nov 2019 | 009: Turn Rejection into Progress with This Old-School Mind Hack | 00:08:32 | |
If you're facing a lot of rejection, here's an old-school hack I learned early on in my sales career. You might have heard this before: The trick is to just turn every rejection as a stepping stone on the way to your goal. Work out the math. If out of 100 people you ask for a yes, 95 give you a no, and you want to get 1 yes per day, then make it your daily goal to get 20 nos. In this episode I dig deeper into why this reframing technique works, share some personal stories, and a few extra ideas to help you make it even more effective. Want more of my advice on handling rejection? Check out https://steliefti.com/rejection/ I'd love to hear from you! Hit me up on Twitter @steli or LinkedIn | |||
| 16 Nov 2019 | 010: When a Sales Prospect Goes Silent, and You Don’t Know Why... Do This! | 00:07:10 | |
Have you ever been in the middle of negotiating a deal, trying to close a contract, and then something stalled the deal—but you didn’t know exactly what? | |||
| 22 Nov 2019 | 011: Want to Become a Top 1% Sales Pro? Master the 4 Levels of Emotional Competence | 00:20:45 | |
No matter what you sell and who you sell it to—sales ultimately boils down to a transfer of emotional energy.
That's how you win deals; by changing the way people feel about buying your solution.
Everything else is not a sale—it's merely a transaction. And the kind of sales person that is basically a "transaction manager" is the kind of sales person that will be made obsolete by advances in automation and machine learning.
On the other hand, if you're a sales professional with a high degree of emotional competence, your skills will be even more in demand than they are today. And your paychecks will be much larger.
There are four levels of emotional competence:
In this episode, I'm giving you a breakdown of these 4 levels, and an actionable strategy for mastering them.
I really learned this lesson almost 20 years ago from a tie salesman in a little boutique in the south of Germany. After listening to this episode of the podcast, you can check out that story here https://blog.close.com/tiesalesman Comments, questions, thoughts? Let me know on Twitter @steli or LinkedIn! | |||
| 01 Dec 2019 | 012: How to Practice Gratitude | 00:15:25 | |
What are you grateful for today? It’s one of the most important questions I ask myself every day. I once said that appreciation is the currency we pay the universe with—and I still think that’s true. So at the end of each day, I ask myself: Have I paid what I owe? Have I settled that bill with the universe? In today’s episode, I talk about gratitude, how I practice it in my own life, I share what I’ve learned from asking my two sons what they’re grateful for every night when I put them to bed, and I leave with you two “gratitude exercises” that’ll help elevate yourself today. | |||
| 06 Dec 2019 | 013: Creating Reality Distortion Fields | 00:09:21 | |
Steve Jobs wasn't the only person who could create reality distortion fields. Most really good sales people do it all the time. And while it can be a great blessing in life—it can also be a curse. I know this from firsthand experience. At some point, you become so good at sales that people will buy whatever you're selling. You become so good at understanding how to talk with people that they'll get on board with your proposal. And in some cases, what you're selling might be an idea that seems right to you... but is just plain wrong. Yet, because you can sell it so successfully, it seems right to others as well. I've been wrong so many times in my life. In some cases people are successful at pointing it out to me. But in many cases, I was more successful at championing my idea, and we invested a lot of time, energy, and resources into executing a project that was doomed to fail from the beginning. I wish I hadn't created those flawed reality distortion fields so successfully. All that time and energy could have been invested more effectively. Over the years, I learned how to create a "reality distortion field barrier". Basically, a strategy for protecting myself and others from being blinded by an idea that's shining bright, but leading us astray. And this is what I share in this episode of the podcast: a way to protect yourself against the risk of being too good at sales. Sign up for my newsletter at https://steliefti.com | |||
| 14 Dec 2019 | 014: Building a Remote Sales Team? Avoid These 3 Common Mistakes | 00:09:48 | |
The future of work is going to be more and more remote. Not just for designers, developers, and marketers, but also to sales people. But you can't execute the same remote playbook that you applied with your remote engineering team—sales is a very different kind of work, and sales people are uniquely different creatures. There are 3 common mistakes I see again and again that ruin remote sales teams. Mistake #1: Hiring inexperienced sales people. Mistake #2: Being too nicey-nice. Mistake #3: Ignoring the need for social team interaction In this episode I share how to avoid these 3 common mistakes that ruin remote sales teams. Connect with me!
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| 21 Dec 2019 | 015: Want that startup job? Let your CV tell a story | 00:09:46 | |
Thousands of people apply to join my our startup every month. Lots of “why you should hire me”-style pitches coming my way. Once you’re on the receiving end of screening job applications, you realize: CVs suck. Almost nobody is good at writing CVs—even badass marketers and great sales people are surprisingly bad at it.
I’m pretty sure I missed out on hiring some amazing talent, just because the CVs they sent me unsold me on learning more about them:
A list of places they studied and worked at, that doesn’t tell a story, doesn’t convey a compelling message, doesn’t give me any sense for why this person is the right fit for the role. So yes, thank you, but no.
In this episode of the podcast, I share why you need to make your CV tell a story, and how to do it well.
Connect with me:
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| 31 Dec 2019 | 016: The Gratitude Tracker for Entpreneurs | 00:09:11 | |
If you're the kind of ambitious person that's always looking ahead, there might be one thing you can do to grow even more: reflect on your successes and count your blessings. In today's episode, I share how I train my brain to be grateful for the good in my life—both profesionally and personally. I've never been good at celebrating my successes. Whenever I achieve a goal, I always move the goalpost further away. My inner voice always just tells me: “Okay, on to the next one.” When I was younger, I thought that's a good thing. But in recent years, I realized that I missed out on an important element of life. Which is why I started building a daily routine and practice around it, that's had a huge impact on my life, and the life of the people I share it with. In today's episode, I'm sharing it with you too. Put this into practice in 2020, and if it has even half the impact it has on you that it had on me, it'll make your life so much richer and more fulfilling. Give yourself a moment to be grateful for all the good that 2019 has offered you, and allow yourself to be excited for what's ahead in 2020 <3 Connect with me: | |||
| 29 Mar 2020 | 018: Your feelings are FAKE NEWS | 00:08:09 | |
I'd love to hear from you! Drop a comment at https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/your-feelings-fake-news-steli-efti During the COVID-19 crisis, it's hard to figure out whom to trust. Governemnt agencies? Politicians? The media? International organizations? Medical experts? Whatever your take, the one source of information we all need to put under heavy scrutiny these days is our own feelings and emotional impulses. The more stressed and anxious we feel, the more we need to reality check ourselves. | |||
| 04 Apr 2020 | 019: How to be a wartime CEO (and why everyone needs to | 00:56:19 | |
This episode is not just for CEOs—everyone should adapt a "wartime CEO" mindset these days, I believe. The COVID-19 crisis is leading us farther into the unknown with every passing week. This is a different format than what I usually publish—an almost hour-long conversation where I explore the concept of peacetime vs wartime CEO, and how to make decisions in times of crisis. As always, I'd love to hear from you! Connect with me: https://www.linkedin.com/in/steliefti/ | |||
| 13 Apr 2020 | 020: What questions should I ask myself in this crisis? | 00:04:44 | |
1432 days ago I started a little routine: I begin every day by asking myself five essential questions. Answering these five questions creates clarity and vision for my day, before I engage with the daily chaos of my work and life, before I step into action. I actually write down the answers to these five questions, but as I've now done this for almost four years in a row, there's one thing I discovered: It's not always the same questions that matter. The questions that are the most meaningful to me change over time. My life changed, I went through different phases in my life, and some of the questions that were really helpful for me at one point started to become useless. There was no point in asking me those same questions over and over again. And a few weeks ago I noticed that the questions that seemed really meaningful at the beginning of the year now seemed useless. They're no longer relevant to me. So I sat down and started brainstorming questions that would be more impactful to answer during the COVID-19 crisis. Here's what I came up with:
Now I haven't settled on the five questions I'll ask myself daily moving forward yet. But I'd love to hear your thoughts! What do you think are valuable questions we should ask ourselves right now? I'd love to hear from you: https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/what-questions-should-i-ask-myself-crisis-steli-efti/ (Check out the video version of this episode: https://youtu.be/eV8YyvOX8PE )
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| 22 Apr 2020 | 021: The only asset worth investing in during this crisis | 00:10:52 | |
Many friends and fellow entrepreneurs come to me for investment advice during this crisis. The first thing you need to understand is that I'm not an investor. So don't put too much stock into my advice. That being said—I do have strong opinions. There are a lot of attractive opportunities out there nowadays: gold, cryptocurrencies, foreign currencies, certain stocks that took a dive due to the crisis but will almost certainly come back strong once things get better. I believe for most of the people that are going to read this, there's really only one thing you should invest in right now: You yourself. Unless you yourself are a skilled investor, I don't think that you should make big investment decisions during this crisis in anything other than yourself. How can you invest in yourself, and grow? Maybe this is the time to build a side business. Write that book, and promote it. Experiment. Learn something new. Stretch yourself beyond what your current limitations. Level one area of your live up. If you already had a side business, start investing into ads, make the design look real slick, sharpen your copy, ramp up your marketing, improve your product, sharpen your skills by signing up for a course or finding a coach. But invest into something that's actually yours, and that doesn't rely on a currency moving one way or another, or a big multinational corporation hitting certain revenue numbers... invest into yourself. It'll not only save you a lot of anxiety when things don't go the way you expect them, but also sharpen your focus on the things that really matter: those things that you can actually impact yourself. As always—I'd love to hear from you. Hit me up on LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/only-asset-worth-investing-during-crisis-steli-efti/ | |||
| 07 May 2020 | 022: Just a tree in your path - A short story from Mike Tyson's book IRON AMBITION | 00:03:06 | |
Today I want to share a little story I read. The story is about Cus D'Amato, an infamous boxing trainer, most known for training Mike Tyson. But his influence on the boxing world went way beyond just Iron Mike. He was one of the first boxing trainers that really focused on the importance of mentality in combat. He really focused on the mind, not just the body. And he was interested in hypnosis, the subconscious mind, affirmations, positive psychology. And he used Mike Tyson as a star pupil to apply some of these philosophies and instill a mentality in Mike that would make him the most feared fighter alive, still one of the most iconic boxers of all time. https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/just-tree-your-path-steli-efti/ | |||
| 14 May 2020 | 023: The moment I realized I would be great at sales | 00:18:05 | |
Salesmanship is in my blood. I discovered 20 years ago that I have a natural talent for it. Closing deals always came easy to me. In this episode, I share the story of my first major close. And more importantly, I share why my greatest strength was also the flipside of my greatest weakness—and how I finally overcame that. You can also check out this episode as a video: https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/moment-i-realized-would-great-sales-steli-efti/ As always, I'd love to hear from you! | |||
| 17 May 2020 | 024: The Angry Samurai | 00:25:02 | |
What do you do when you get angry? Do you let the negative, desctructive shadow-side of anger take over? Do you just control or suppress your anger? Or do you have ways to transform the energy that comes with anger into creative work? My oldest son recently had more frequent angry outbursts, and I made up the story of the Angry Samurai for him. I'm a huge believer in the power of stories, and I believe that storytelling is a great teaching vehicle. But as I was discussing this topic with a good friend of mine, I realized that I myself have some work to do when it comes to dealing with anger. This is not the typical episode format we have here—it's a actually a recording of a conversation. But we decided to turn it into an episode and share it with you, because anger is one of the core human emotions we all have, and yet few of us have probably mastered our own anger. As always, we'd love to hear from you! Get in touch: | |||
| 02 Jun 2020 | 025: Out of touch with my emotions | 00:23:38 | |
I've been out of touch with my emotions for a long time—without even knowing it. In this episode, I share how this realization dawned on me. I also share how I'm using an "emotion tracker" to become more aware of my own feelings. As always, I'd love to hear from you. Get in touch: | |||
| 11 Jul 2020 | 026: Fatherhood odyssey: Homework struggles | 00:14:42 | |
Being a dad also means dealing with a lot of mundane little issues. Things like making sure your kids do their homework. To be honest—I’m not big on homework myself. I was terrible at school. I don’t think school is a great preparation for life. But I do strive to look at mundane little issues and ask: What’s an important life lesson that’s contained in here? What’s something meaningful that I can pass on to my sons? Recently, my eldest son kept saying he’ll do his homework later. Inevitably, the day turned into night, with not enough time left to actually do the homework. Not only did it mean he wouldn’t be able to present his homework, it also affected his little brother and me, because we didn’t get to spend some quality time playing together. My eldest son very much comes after me. When he realizes that he failed at something, he can be very hard on himself. On the one hand, I want him to set high standards for himself and strive to live up to them. On the other hand, I don’t want him to beat himself up. I want him to learn the lesson and use it to become a better version of himself. I want him to cherish his wins and learn from his mistakes. In this episode, I’ll share
Finding the right balance between self-discipline and self-compassion is a challenge I’ve been grappling with myself, so I’m not surprised to see this in my son. Hopefully, he’ll learn this much earlier than I did. As always, I’d love to hear from you. Drop a comment here https://steliefti.com/fatherhood-odyssey-homework-struggles/ | |||
| 15 Sep 2020 | 027: Negative self-image? What a little girl taught me | 00:09:43 | |
On a recent summer night I witnessed something touching and magical that I want to share with you in today’s episode. If you have a negative self-image, or simply want to build a more positive self-image, it’s well worth the ten minute listen. As always, I'd love to hear from you! Transcript: https://steliefti.com/negative-self-image-what-a-little-girl-taught-me/ Connect with me: | |||
| 17 Sep 2020 | 028: Way of the Warrior: Desperation made me pull another man's pants | 00:19:30 | |
A few years ago I fell in love with martial arts, and it’s become a great source of learnings and insights for me. In the Way of the Warrior series, I’m going to share these lessons with you—and I find that most of them are relevant not just in the context of fighting, but also in other areas of life.
Being in the ring is a very humbling experience for me, and it forces me to look at the world with beginners eyes. In the ring, nobody gives a fuck that I’m Mr. CEO. And that’s a beautifully honest way to be.
In today’s episode, I talk about two recent realizations I had while training. The first one is about how being pushed to our limits can make us do things we wouldn’t normally do, and why people commit acts of desperation.
The second one is about using compliments as a way to implicitly ask your training partner to go easy on you.
As always, I’d love to hear from you! Transcript: https://steliefti.com/way-of-the-warrior-desperation-made-me-pull-on-another-mans-pants/ Connect with me: | |||
| 24 Sep 2020 | 029: The story of 3 beggars in Thessaloniki | 00:32:44 | |
I'm currently with 2 friends in Thessaloniki and want to share the story of 3 encounters with different beggars we've had here, and what we can learn from it.
One beggar was an aggressive hustler, a young boy who probably was forced to work for a gang.
One beggar was an proud old man who was selling pencils, who said that he's currently out of work and wants to make an income.
One beggar was an apologetic old lady full of sorrow that kept telling pitiful stories.
In today's episode, I share how each beggar moved us in a different way, and conveyed a different lesson about ourselves. Transcript: https://steliefti.com/3-beggars-in-thessaloniki/ Connect with me: | |||
| 15 Oct 2020 | 030: Ti Perimeris - What are you waiting for?! | 00:10:01 | |
How much of our days do we spend on our image? How often don’t we do something we feel like doing, because we’re concerned how others might perceive us? How often do we do something we don’t feel like doing, simply to portray ourselves in a certain way to others? What a waste of life. Today, I want to share a personal story with you that culminated in a wild, shirtless night in a tiny bar on a Greek island. Stop letting your ego get in the way of living life fully. It’s too easy to get caught up in our own sense of self-importance. Let go, and celebrate life fully. | |||
| 22 Oct 2020 | 031: Listening to myself: A bad day | 00:46:46 | |
This might just be the most uncomfortable piece of content I've ever published. I recently had a lousy day, and captured my mood and thoughts in a rare, ad hoc voice memo. I want to share this with you, because I believe there's value in realizing that we all have down days.
But rather than just throw the recording at you, I actually listened to it again and added my comments to it afterwards. This way, you get both the raw, bruised-up version of myself on a bad day, as well as myself reflecting on it.
Heads up: This is a very experimental format. I feel uncomfortable sharing this with you. Heck, not too long ago I'd feel uncomfortable sharing this part of myself with even close friends. But inner work is called work for a reason: Oftentimes it means doing the thing you don't feel like doing. For transcript and comments: https://steliefti.com/a-bad-day/ Connect with me: https://www.linkedin.com/in/steliefti/
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| 14 Nov 2020 | 032: What makes you come alive at work? A purpose-finding exercise | 00:04:04 | |
What's the driving force that keeps you excited, motivated, and makes you come alive? This is not always an easy question to answer, but in this episode I share a simple way of uncovering your purpose at work. Think about the last 3 months. What were some of the best moments you've had at work? The moments you were most alive, most excited, most inspired? And what do these moments have in common? For me personally, at the time when I recorded this video, the answer was change and growth. First, it's when I myself change. When I change what I believe, when I change how I act and think, because that's when I grow. Every year, I review the year that has passed, and I ask myself: How have I changed? How have I grown? If I think back to the version of myself I was one year ago—do I think that version was a total idiot, that version of myself was completely wrong? If the answer is yes, then that's actually pretty exciting to me. But if the answer is no, I feel devastated, because I've basically just wasted a year without learning anything meaningful, where I had no true growth.
The other thing that really excites me and makes me come alive is when I can help others change and grow, when I can get them to take action. What's the driving force that makes you come alive at work? Take some time to reflect and go really deep on this question. Maybe you've done this a few years ago and you have an idea—and if that's the case, then challenge yourself and ask: "Do these answers still feel true to me, or am I just repeating my older self, and there's actually something else that brings me alive today?" Reflect on your best moments this year and see how you can create more of that, how you can honor and bring out more of your true authentic self and share it with the world. As always, I love to hear from you: https://www.linkedin.com/posts/steliefti_purpose-findyourpurpose-purposedriven-activity-6733223655448350720-KTCE | |||
| 24 Nov 2020 | 033: The story of the boob flashing goddess | 00:16:10 | |
In the summer of 2019, I went on a boat trip around Ibiza with a group of good friends. Now in this episode, I tell a story about a random woman who flashed her boobs, but that's only what this is about on a superficial level. On a deeper level, it's about the attitude we bring to live: to not take ourselves too serious. To remain playful, have a bit more fun, a bit more wild, a bit more spontaneous, and the impact we can have on someone else. Connect with me: | |||
| 26 Nov 2020 | 034: When Siddhartha met Buddha (and walked away) | 00:32:37 | |
I recently read Herman Hesse's book Siddhartha, which tells the story of a man seeking enlightenment. From a young age on, together with his best friend, he sought spiritual teachers and mentors to learn and guide him. Because he was a very dedicated disciple of these different teachers, he excelled in many practices, but soon reached a point where he became dissatisfied with what they could teach him, and that despite their life-long spiritual practice, they still were far from enlightened. He embarks on yet another quest for a worthwhile teacher—this time, the Buddha. He recognizes that the Buddha is indeed enlightened, and is everything he's hoped to find in a teacher. Yet, he decides to not become a disciple of the Buddha, but instead let his own life be his teacher. And that's the moment in the story that was most interesting to me—when he decided that the best way to evolve spiritually was not to obey the instructions of a teacher, not to follow in the footsteps of an enlightened person, but to instead find his own way. To me this resonated with me because a lot of my inner work this year has been around finding myself again, building a relationship with myself, realizing how important is to spend more time with myself, instead of just being outward focused. As always, I'd love to hear from you: https://steliefti.com/when-siddhartha-met-buddha-and-walked-away/
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| 06 Dec 2020 | 035: Way of the Warrior: Getting real | 00:35:06 | |
Here's another Way of the Warrior episode, where I share lessons I learn while practicing martial arts. Today, I'm going to talk about the difference between theory, practice, and real-world application. There's a certain technique I've practiced many times and understood well—or so I thought. Let's just say it was a very humbling session, where the idea I carried in my head wasn't fully aligned with the reality that unfolded on the outside.
In this episode, I discuss the big gap between theory, a scripted practice scenario, and the real world.
Whether you practice martial arts or not—we've all had situations we confidently walked into, self-assured that we'd be able to handle this well, only to then be taught a lesson. The first instinct naturally is to say: "Oh fuck!"
Now it's very easy to then go: "This didn't work out. I'm not made for this," and throw in the towel.
But if you practice inner work, you do it differently.
You still say: "Oh fuck..." but then you go: "Interesting. What can I learn here?" You already ate the humblepie. You already have that taste in your mouth. Now see how you can grow. Transcript: https://steliefti.com/way-of-the-warrior-getting-real/ Connect with me: | |||
| 14 Dec 2020 | 036: The wild wisdom of Zorba the Greek | 00:36:11 | |
One of my favorite reads of this year was Zorba the Greek by Nikos Kazantzakis. I love Zorba’s practical wisdom and zest for life. He manages to see the everything and everybody as a miracle worth celebrating, while also recognizing that we’re all just sacks of bones and flesh and flaws, and that everything we do is probably meaningless in the end. In many ways, he’s embodying the principles of inner work for me. If there’s a man who’s mastered the art of living in the present moment, it’s Zorba. This book has made me laugh, feel sad, think deeply, and moved me in many more ways. In this episode, I share my favorite from the book—and hopefully inspire a few of you to read this beautiful story. As always, I'd love to hear from you: https://steliefti.com/the-wild-wisdom-of-zorba-the-greek/ (includes episode transcript) https://www.linkedin.com/in/steliefti/
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| 27 Dec 2020 | 037: Feeling my tiredness fully | 00:34:25 | |
Here's a personal conversation I've had with a friend back in September. I've been feeling tense and tired for a very long time, and I wanted to allow myself to just feel this feeling of tiredness more, rather than do what I usually do: trying to overcome my tiredness, and just push it away. And when I did this, I realized that I've never really paid attention to my tiredness. I was never that aware of what tiredness actually feels like in my body. On this day, I got to know my own tiredness better, because I just stayed with it and experienced it fully. There's no major breakthrough or magic revelation in this. I'm just sharing how I experienced my own tiredness in a new way for the first time. Looking back at it today, I can say that getting more in touch with myself, my feelings, my body has drastically improved the quality of my everyday life. I'll share much more of this in future episodes. Shownotes: https://steliefti.com/feeling-my-tiredness-fully Connect with me: https://www.linkedin.com/in/steliefti/
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| 30 Dec 2020 | 038: I visited an alternative healer | 00:56:47 | |
Here's another very personal episode. If you're looking for sales, startup, and business advice, skip this episode, it's not going to be a good use of your time. If you want to get to know me better as a human being, particularly some of my private struggles and the inner work I do, then maybe this is for you. However, be aware that it's another raw recording: an unstructured, meandering conversation without a clear ending or an actionable takeaway. I talk about my challenges with happines, visiting an alternative healer, never feeling at home anywhere, and many other things I'd usually not share publicly. So why am I sharing it now? For one, look at the name of the podcast. What you hear in this recording is inner work in progress—and that's not always pretty. And secondly, it's easier to share this now with you because this was recorded in the last week of July—and a lot has happened since. I do feel happy. I have a vision for a place that I'll make my home where I truly feel at home. I'm much more in touch with my own feelings. And finally, after I published Episode 31: Listening to myself: A bad day many of you told me that sharing my inner struggles helped you.
Shownotes: https://steliefti.com/i-visited-an-alternative-healer/ Connect with me: https://www.linkedin.com/in/steliefti/
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| 15 Jan 2021 | 039: Intimate art, loving playfulness, and my secret guitar | 00:41:09 | |
A few weeks ago, I ordered a guitar. I spent most of my teenage years chasing the dream of becoming the world's best guitarist, practicing all day, every day... until one day when I realized I'd never become the greatest. And from that day on, I've—with a few rare exceptions—never touched a guitar again. Until THIS day. When I held this guitar, it felt magical: the beginning of an intimate, private love affair, a holy communion, a secret bond between me and my guitar. In the first part of the episode, I talk about another nascent love of mine: sailing. I've been wanting to learn sailing for a long time, and my first actual sailing lesson was quite sobering. The first 20 minutes of this episode is dedicated to this, but the tldr is: it wasn't much fun. Be free to skip to minute 20 where I talk about the guitar.
Connect with me: | |||
| 18 Jan 2021 | 040: Pacing myself: Full speed until the fuel runs out isn't a good strategy | 00:20:50 | |
Here's a conversation where I talk about the importance of pacing myself and managing my energy throughout the course of a day. I have a tendency to go full speed whenever I feel energized—until my tank runs out of fuel and I crash hard. Today, I practiced breaking that pattern. When I felt excited or inspired by an idea, I didn't immediately rush into action. I stayed with that feeling first, and acted more deliberately. Or at least, I tried. Turns out breaking deeply ingrained patterns isn't that easy, but like so many things in Inner Work—it starts with awareness. You do the best you can right now, and if it matters enough, you keep practicing until you get better at it. Shownotes: https://steliefti.com/pacing-myself-full-speed-until-the-fuel-runs-out-isnt-a-good-strategy/
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| 21 Jan 2021 | 041: LSD & Martial arts: Finding my flow in fighting | 00:26:10 | |
In this episode, I talk about a breakthrough I've had in my martial arts after a training session on LSD.
In my training of martial arts, there are periods where I'm on a very intense schedule, practicing five, six, or even seven days a week. And then there are periods where I train only once or twice a week. And then there are weeks where I don't train at all.
And I noticed that oftentimes, when I pick up training again after a couple of weeks of not training at all, I've always leapfrogged to the next level of skill in some area. I discuss this in the first part of the episode, and then later share a major breakthrough I've had in my practice after a shadowboxing session on LSD. Shownotes: https://steliefti.com/lsd-martial-arts-finding-my-flow-in-fighting Connect with me: | |||
| 28 Jan 2021 | 042: McGregor vs. Poirier 2 - Looking foolish in the name of progress | 00:16:17 | |
I was surprised to see McGregor get knocked out by Poirier this fast. But one thing that’s been bothering me about McGregor is that I don’t think he’s been picking the right sparring partners to prepare for this fight. None of his sparring partners really had the chops to seriously challenge him as much as he needed to be challenged. And it reminded me of a principle I’ve been trying to put into practice myself for many years: the willingness to look foolish in the name of progress. It prompted me to ask myself again:
Shownotes: https://steliefti.com/mcgregor-vs-poirier-2-looking-foolish-in-the-name-of-progress/ Connect with me: | |||
| 29 Jan 2021 | 043: I got rich slowly, but here's how you can get rich quick | 00:32:33 | |
It took me a long time to get rich. It still feels weird to say this about myself. But financially, I’m definitely rich. What’s funny is, I’ve been rich long before I even realized that I was rich. It was actually through conversations with friends that I eventually realized: Fuck yes, I AM rich. I care much less about it than I thought I would. I’ve heard rich people say this many times before, but: it really doesn’t make much of a difference in my life. Now, that’s not to say that the human animal in me is above it all. I still want more money. I still sometimes get ensnared by the prospect of making money. I still sometimes struggle to say no to enticing financial opportunities, and one thing that I can tell you is: the more money you have, the more tempting opportunities come your way. In today’s episode, I’ll talk about my struggles when it comes to resisting these temptations, and most importantly: I’ll talk about how you can get rich much faster, and with much less suffering than it took me. Shownotes: https://steliefti.com/i-got-rich-slowly-but-heres-how-you-can-get-rich-quick/ Connect with me: | |||
| 04 Feb 2021 | 044: The half-assed life: Be one of the few who fully commit | 00:14:57 | |
Today's episode is a rant about the power of commitment. It's something that's so rare—to see someone being fully committed, to truly go all in, to not hold anything back. I want to see and create more of that in the world, and less people who spend most of their time half-assing whatever they do. Shownotes: https://steliefti.com/the-half-assed-life-be-one-of-the-few-who-fully-commit/
Connect with me: https://steliefti.com https://twitter.com/steli https://www.linkedin.com/in/steliefti/ | |||
| 10 Feb 2021 | 045: Fatherhood odyssey: 5 success rules for 5-year olds | 00:11:49 | |
A while back I was driving my sons back home with the car, and they got excited about a dope looking sports car they saw. And it led to something I almost never do: I shared advice on how to be successful in life with them. In this episode, I'll share it with you too, but more importantly—how they reacted to me sharing these lessons. Just a beautiful little moment that's dear to me as a father. Shownotes: https://steliefti.com/fatherhood-odyssey-5-success-rules-for-5-year-olds/ Connect with me: https://steliefti.com https://twitter.com/steli https://www.linkedin.com/in/steliefti/
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| 11 Feb 2021 | 046: The soul of little things | 00:34:43 | |
I've been very out of touch with my own emotions, wants and needs for a long time. And much of the past year has been about getting to know myself better: What do I want? What do I really like? For myself, not for my company, my family, for my team, for my career, but for me myself, just Steli. And one thing I do know about myself is that I was a very utalitarian person, praying at the altar of productivity. "Get shit done" was my mantra. And recently, I discovered that I can surround myself with objects that give me positive energy, that sing more harmoniously with who I am and what I want my life to be. In this episode, I talk about how my good friend Juan, who happens to be a plant. I talk about the veneration of objects in Japan, and the power of caring for things beyond the fact that they are tools we use to do something. Shownotes: https://steliefti.com/soul-of-little-things/ Connect with me: https://steliefti.com https://twitter.com/steli https://www.linkedin.com/in/steliefti/ | |||
| 12 Feb 2021 | 047: What happened to my mind when I stopped consuming content for 1 month | 00:18:27 | |
There's a reason why I grew a multi-million dollar company through content marketing. I'm good at content because I've consumed a ton of content in my life—starting out as a child where I spent all day every day in front of a TV. I was basically raised by a TV. From the moment I came back to school to the time I went to bed, I was in front of the TV. And while I barely watch TV anymore—I've simply replaced the TV with other forms of media consumption. Podcasts, YouTube, Netflix, Twitter, etc. In this episode, I talk about my addiction to consuming content and using it to distract myself from thoughts and feelings I want to avoid. It's a conversation I've had in the first half of December 2020, and at that time, I had for the first time in my life not mindlessly consumed any content for 30 days straight. If you're hooked on content consumption too, give it a listen! As always, I love to hear from you. Shownotes: https://steliefti.com/content-fast/ Connect with me: | |||
| 14 Feb 2021 | 048: What it's like to love a fighter with Kevin von Duuglas-Ittu | 00:59:58 | |
I'm excited to release our first ever interview on the Inner Work podcast. I spoke with Kevin von Duuglas-Ittu. If you're really into Muay Thai—maybe you're familiar with the amazing work he and his wife Sylvie are doing together.
But even if not, I'd encourage you to check out this episode! Shownotes: https://steliefti.com/love-a-fighter/ Connect with me: https://steliefti.com https://twitter.com/steli https://www.linkedin.com/in/steliefti/ | |||
| 16 Feb 2021 | 049: Why you should archive all your emails today | 00:10:37 | |
I'm the CEO of a very successful software startup. 8-figure revenue, thousands of customers all around the world, employees spread out all across the globe. I know what email stress feels like. In fact, I was stressed out AF about my email inbox. Until my friend and co-founder showed me how to overcome it years ago. It's worked for me, and for team members and friends I've shared this advice with. Today, I want to share it with you too. Shownotes: http://steliefti.com/email-stress/ Connect with me: https://steliefti.com https://twitter.com/steli https://www.linkedin.com/in/steliefti/ | |||
| 17 Feb 2021 | 050: You can’t be upset with others, and at peace with yourself | 00:27:09 | |
Most of the episodes of this podcast are me talking about a topic that’s currently on my mind—oftentimes meanderings that don’t lead to a clear conclusion, or challenges I’m facing that yet lack a satisfying solution. It’s inner work in progress.
Today is a little bit different: I’m sharing an heuristic of my inner work that's tried and tested. It’s been valuable for me thousands of times, and it’s been part of my daily toolkit since 2008. I always carry it with me and make use of it all the time. Shownotes: https://steliefti.com/upset-with-others/ Connect with me: https://steliefti.com https://twitter.com/steli https://www.linkedin.com/in/steliefti/ | |||
| 19 Feb 2021 | 051: Do your work in public | 00:25:50 | |
In this episode, I talk about our podcast, and why it's so different from the content we've created in the past. Most of these episodes are unstructured conversations and explorations of random themes of my life—there are no actionable takeaways, no bitesized nuggets of wisdom, and oftentimes no answers to the questions we pose. And at the same time—it's the most honest content we've ever created, the stories are more real, and while it often doesn't lead to a clean, neat work product, we're on our path to building a beautiful body of work, and it's a labor of love. Shownotes: https://steliefti.com/work-in-public/ Connect with me: https://steliefti.com https://twitter.com/steli https://www.linkedin.com/in/steliefti/ | |||
| 21 Feb 2021 | 052: A year of self-discovery and intense inner work with Ryan Robinson | 01:03:47 | |
Today I'm talking with my good friend Ryan Robinson, one of the most disciplined people I know, and also one of the most prolific content creators. But that's not what this conversation is about. 2020 has been an intense year for Ryan, a lot of personal transformation, and I saw many parallels to changes and realizations is in my own life. Shownotes: https://steliefti.com/ryan-self-discovery/ Connect with me: https://steliefti.com https://twitter.com/steli https://www.linkedin.com/in/steliefti/ | |||
| 22 Feb 2021 | 053: I just can't relax | 00:19:30 | |
I was out on the balcony on a sunny day in Austin. It was a nice day. Everything was fine. Beautiful music playing. My day's work was done. And that's when it hit me: I'm good at many things—but relaxing isn't one of them. Even when you see me chilling, inside of me, there's so much tension, so many things I try to fit into any given unit of relaxation. I'm constantly reaching for more, forever striving for something else, incessantly trying to live up to some chimerical ideal, always attempting to climb an insurmountable peak. I turn everything into work, judge myself and others very harshly. It just never stops.
It's just who I am today. Maybe one day I'll change. But for now, that's me. Shownotes: https://steliefti.com/i-just-cant-relax/ Connect with me: https://steliefti.com https://twitter.com/steli https://www.linkedin.com/in/steliefti/ | |||
| 23 Feb 2021 | 054: How my jaw pain forces me to face unpleasant truths | 00:17:43 | |
I don't know how to explain this to people who've never felt it, but I've been suffering from jaw tension for quite a while now. It comes and goes, and I never really know what triggered it until I did some deep introspection. I believe it's forcing me to confront truths I'd rather not face. Like a harsh and unforgiving teacher, it won't relent until I learn my lesson. It won't let me leave the table before I finish eating up all of the bitter truth soup in front of me.
I recently had a situation where I got angry about something, but wasn't honest to myself about it. I had a fear and I pretend to not feel it, even to myself I couldn't admit that I was scared. And when I realized that, I got angry at myself for pretending, for not living my truth. It took realizing and admitting all that, until the bitter end, and only then did my jaw loosen up and I found some relief.
So in a way, my body is conspiring with my higher aspirations. It's keeping me real. It makes me do the inner work even when I don't want to. Shownotes: https://steliefti.com/jaw-pain-truths/ Connect with me: https://www.linkedin.com/in/steliefti/
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| 25 Feb 2021 | 055: Ok, now I'm punching pillows (Anger management adventures) | 00:26:14 | |
One of the emotions I still haven't found a good way to relate to is my anger. For most of my adult life, my way of handling anger was simply to suppress it and pretend it didn't exist at all. Getting angry meant that someone else had power over me, someone else was able to control and impact me—and I didn't want to allow and admit that. So I pretended to never get angry—not only to others, but to myself as well.
Now there are blessings in disguise, and there's also such a thing as a curse in disguise. I'm great at sales. The downside of that is that I'm also great at selling myself stuff. In this case, the believe that I'm not angry. It wasn't only that I pretended to not be angry to others, I made myself belief to not be angry.
But you know how it goes with emotions: If you suppress them, whatever they're meant to express comes out in other ways. In my case, it's a what I call my OLD TESTAMENT JAW. My jaw becomes very tense. Painfully tense. Out of control tense.
I'm a big believer that our body can be a great source of wisdom and insight. And so I figured this tension is trying to tell me something. I spent around two painful hours trying to listen to what it had to say—and eventually (re-)learned an important lesson (that I had conveniently forgotten). Shownotes: https://steliefti.com/suppressed-anger-choking-me/ Connect with me: https://steliefti.com https://twitter.com/steli https://www.linkedin.com/in/steliefti/ | |||
| 02 Mar 2021 | 056: Storytelling and the audience's capacity to open up their hearts and minds | 00:34:05 | |
In this episode we geek out about the art of storytelling, and it's magical ability to touch and move us, to think new thoughts, to live life in new ways. Books discussed:
Shownotes: https://steliefti.com/storytelling-touch-audience/ Connect with me: | |||
| 05 Mar 2021 | 057: Read books your own way | 00:39:36 | |
Some books have literally been life-changing, epic adventures in my life. I wouldn't be who I am if it weren't for these books.
But if I've read books the way most people read books, I'd probably never have experienced any of that. Today I discuss my deep love for books, my appreciation for everything they've brought into my life, different ways of reading books, and much more. Shownotes: https://steliefti.com/read-books-your-own-way/ Connect with me: | |||
| 06 Mar 2021 | 058: Steli returns to Germany: A lesson in presence and priorities | 00:13:39 | |
I've never had a great relationship with my Germany, even though I was born here, I grew up here, I have family and friends I love here. I never liked living here. And whenever I came back to spend time in Germany, I always like coming back to a place I didn't belong, nor wanted to be.
But because Germany is such a big part of my life, I wanted to find a way of coming back without feeling that way. And this time around, I asked myself a very simple question to create clarity. I asked myself: What's the most important thing for me during the first few weeks here in Germany?
To me, the answer was simple: I want to spend quality times with my loved ones here. And as long as I accomplished that every day, as long as I shared real quality time with loved ones, where I'm fully present in the moment, then for me, that's good enough.
I won't stress about anything else. If I'm not as productive as I want to be, if I don't get all the things done that I want to get done, if I don't work out as much as I want to work out, if I don't give my time and energy to every friend in Germany that asks for it right away, if I say no to people when they make requests I don't want to fulfill, if I don't eat as healthy as I want to eat, if I don't sleep as well, if I don't stick to the routines and habits I've established for myself, if I don't practice being the best version of myself in every aspect of my life—that's fine. I won't stress about it, I won't beat myself up about it.
It means that I'm fine saying no to a lot of things. Funny enough, I've given entire talks on that topic for startups. Shownotes: https://steliefti.com/steli-returns-to-germany/ Connect with me: | |||
| 10 Mar 2021 | 059: Fatherhood odyssey: The power of nonjudgmental encouragement | 00:12:11 | |
Now that I'm back in Germany, I'm spending a lot of time with my two sons, and there was a beautiful experience of trust and courage we've shared together that I want to capture here. Shownotes: https://steliefti.com/fatherhood-nonjudgmental-encouragement/ Connect with me: | |||
| 11 Mar 2021 | 060: Reading With Steli: The Trial by Franz Kafka | 00:29:56 | |
I recently started reading The Trial by Franz Kafka, and there's one thing I really love about this book: It has already raised so many questions in my mind and made me think thoughts I wouldn't have pondered if it weren't for this book. This episode is just me sharing my reading experience while I'm halfway through the book. Shownotes: https://steliefti.com/the-trial-kafka/ Connect with me: | |||
| 15 Mar 2021 | 061: Fatherhood Odyssey: Remember to Have Fun | 00:12:50 | |
Another beautiful insight that came out of some time I spent with my two sons recently was this: Remember to have fun when you do fun stuff. Shownotes: https://steliefti.com/remember-to-have-fun/ Connect with me: | |||
| 16 Mar 2021 | 062: My Ridiculous Subconscious Thoughts | 00:21:34 | |
Here's another episode that can be tagged with "aftereffects of reading Kafka".
Little Voice In My Head A: "Steli, it's 11am and you've not done anything yet".
To which Little Voice In My Head B responded: "Well, fuck you, I don't have to do anything if I don't have to!"
And both of them got into an argument they've been through thousands of times over the past couple of years. But it always happened kinda just below the level of consciousness, where I've never really been fully aware of this micro-battle. Shownotes: https://steliefti.com/ridiculous-subconscious-thoughts/ Connect with me: | |||
| 21 Mar 2021 | 063: Don't Solve Other People's Problems | 00:36:13 | |
One of the questions that reading Kafka has brought up in my mind is: How much pain are we causing others by trying to carry their burden? How much of the help I'm providing to others is really in the long run taking away their potential blessings? Part of Inner Work is about looking beyond the surface of what's obvious and see the deeper ramifications and motivations of our actions, and this episode is me digging into that. Shownotes: https://steliefti.com/other-peoples-problems/ Connect with me: | |||
| 27 Mar 2021 | 064: We feel the truth | 00:09:23 | |
I do believe that we all have an intuitive sense for truth. We know the truth at all times, we feel it, we can sense it deep down. But for a variety of reasons, we cover it up, we edit it, we apply a filter to it, we hide it behind logic or stories we're attached to.
Here's me riffing on the idea of this inner "truth sense". Shownotes: https://steliefti.com/we-feel-the-truth/ Connect with me: | |||
| 29 Mar 2021 | 065: Fatherhood Odyssey: When Teaching, Make It Fun Before You Make It Right | 00:16:50 | |
While homeschooling my two sons, I witnessed my younger one just in the midst of that special phase where you learn to read and begin to make sense of words. And I (once more) realized the importance of fun: When teaching a new skill, don't stress out about getting it right and avoiding mistakes. Don't constantly correct every mistake. Instead, teach how to have fun with that skill, and afterwards the momentum of fun carries you forward like a stone rolling downhill, rather than it being an uphill battle. Shownotes: https://steliefti.com/fatherhood-odyssey-teach-fun-first/ Connect with me: | |||
| 01 Apr 2021 | 066: How Can I Be More Accepting of Others? | 00:26:35 | |
I've been wondering how I managed to accept some of the people in my life fully—just the way they are. I'm blessed to have many friends in my life whom I love and care for, but there are very few people whom I fully accept, whose flaws and shortcomings I can have in my life without getting irritated about them. I just know that's the way they are Shownotes: https://steliefti.com/be-more-accepting-of-others/ Connect with me: | |||
| 06 Apr 2021 | 067: How to Change Yourself: Slow Adjustments vs Instant Transformation | 00:34:38 | |
I've been reading a book about personal change and anger, and one paragraph early on in the book stood out to me:
In this episode, I talk about the benefits of slow change, and why radical transformations are often more sizzle than steak.
Shownotes: https://steliefti.com/change-slowly/ Connect with me: | |||
| 13 Apr 2021 | 068: A Beautiful Dance in the Sky | 00:09:31 | |
I never would have expected that pigeons could teach me something about myself—but some of life's most valuable lessons come in surprising ways. Shownotes: https://steliefti.com/beautiful-dance-in-the-sky/ Connect with me: https://www.linkedin.com/in/steliefti/
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| 19 Apr 2021 | 069: I've Lost My Way by Never Getting Lost | 00:20:44 | |
There's a magic to going into a situation completely open, unprepared and without a plan, and improvising your way into a beautiful dance. Even though there's always the risk that instead of a beautiful dance, you just stumble and fall flat on your face. But if you're not willing to get lost, you'll never find yourself in an unexpected place. Being willing to get lost, to waste time, to look foolish, to make mistakes, is the price of admission. Part of inner work is understanding when it's the right time to plan and prepare, and when it's the right time to let go of your plans and improvise. Shownotes: https://steliefti.com/lost-my-way/ Connect with me: https://www.linkedin.com/in/steliefti/
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| 22 Apr 2021 | 070: They Both Die at the End | 00:25:57 | |
Here's a book recommendation: They Both Die at the End by Adam Silvera. A very quick and easy read, but one that moved me nonetheless and that I gifted to my nephews and nieces. Shownotes: https://steliefti.com/they-both-die-at-the-end/ Connect with me: | |||
| 23 Apr 2021 | 071: Am I Too Deep in the Rabbit Hole of Introspection? | 00:22:54 | |
The past couple of weeks being back in Germany, I've started doing what Germans do a lot: think, and think, and think some more. It got to the point where it feels out of balance: too much introspection, too much heavy self-analysis, too much thinking and reflecting, and not enough living for the moment. At least, that's how I interpret what these two weird dreams I've had recently are meant to tell me. Shownotes: https://steliefti.com/too-much-introspection/ Connect with me: | |||
| 29 Apr 2021 | 072: My Journey as a Liar | 00:40:16 | |
There's a reason why being true and authentic matter so much to me: I know what's on the other side. When I was young, especially during my early teenage years, I lied a lot, habitually. In this episode, which is a conversation I've had back in September of 2020, I share my long and winding path to truth and authenticity. Shownotes: https://steliefti.com/my-journey-as-a-liar/ Connect with me: | |||
| 11 May 2021 | 073: The Parts of Myself I Want to Get Rid Of | 00:31:51 | |
In this episode I talk about an idea I've been exploring for a while now: That we're all made up of different parts, and how they often conflict with each other. There was a time when I thought the best way to deal with the undesirable parts is to just eliminate them, to get rid of them. Now, rather than looking at an isolated part, I try to first understand: What's the function this part fulfills in the larger system? Shownotes: https://steliefti.com/parts-of-myself/ Connect with me: https://steliefti.com https://twitter.com/steli https://www.linkedin.com/in/steliefti/ | |||
| 16 May 2021 | 074: Are You Fragmented or Fully Present? The Art of Handling Inner Conflict | 00:51:56 | |
In this episode, I talk about when parts of myself are at conflict with each other. I'm the type of person that's very good at pushing myself to do things, I've got a strong inner pusher. But there's also a part of me that sometimes just want to relax, take it easy and goof off. That in and of itself is fine—we all have those parts in us. The problem arises when these two parts of myself work against each other. If I want to relax, but my inner pusher keeps screaming at me that I better take care of all these things... well, then I'm neither relaxing, nor doing work: I'm fragmented, not fully present. And that's not how I want to live life: I want to be all-in, fully engaged and present. Shownotes: https://steliefti.com/fragmented-or-fully-present/ Connect with me: | |||
| 24 May 2021 | 075: Why Naming My Feelings Was a Gamechanger | 00:19:36 | |
I've talked about how out of touch with my emotions I was here many times. One of the things that helped me changes this tremendously was a very simple exercise: I simply started to name my emotions. In this episode, I share how I've benefitted from naming my feelings, and why it's become part of my inner work routine. Shownotes: https://steliefti.com/naming-feelings/ Connect with me: https://steliefti.com https://twitter.com/steli https://www.linkedin.com/in/steliefti/ | |||
| 26 May 2021 | 076: Who Is My Inner Critic? | 00:32:46 | |
I'm highly self-critical by nature, often to a fault. A good amount of the inner work I've been doing over the past 2 years has been about reigning that part of myself in. But now that I'm exploring the IFS (Internal Family Systems) I had a realization: While my inner critic has been the dominant voice in my head for most of my life... I don't actually know much about this part of myself. Shownotes: https://steliefti.com/who-is-my-inner-critic/ Connect with me: | |||
| 29 May 2021 | 077: My Full Body Meditation | 00:37:42 | |
About a year ago I had my first therapeutic MDMA session, and one of the biggest gifts that stayed with me is a type of meditation. This is the first time that I talk about this meditation and what it has done for me—and while I found it challenging to articulate this in detail, what does come through in this conversation is how immensely valuable it is, and how it has become a core part of my inner work practice. Shownotes: https://steliefti.com/body-meditation/ Connect with me: | |||
| 30 May 2021 | 078: My Elliptical Inner Workout | 00:19:58 | |
I've recently had an interesting experience doing an IFS (Internal Family Systems) audio workshop while working out on a threadmill. There's something about working out physically while also doing inner work with your mind that I sparked my curiosity. Shownotes: https://steliefti.com/elliptical-inner-workout/ Connect with me: https://steliefti.com https://twitter.com/steli https://www.linkedin.com/in/steliefti/ | |||
| 31 May 2021 | 079: My 30 Day Creative Writing Challenge (Another Elliptical Session) | 00:40:39 | |
I've had another inner work session on the elliptical, and this time I've addressed a major emotional challenge of mine: chronic tension. I've had a very vocal inner critic that used to be the driving force in my life, and it drove me to success in many areas of my life. But it came at a high cost. I felt miserable. Part of my inner work journey has been to free myself from that critical inner voice. But now I wonder if silencing my inner critic just led to it manifesting itself in chronic tension. I gotta acknowledge that my inner critic is an important force in my life. I just don't want it to be that harsh, disapproving voice anymore. Maybe channeling that energy into the form of a challenge is a healthier choice. Shownotes: https://steliefti.com/creative-writing-challenge/ Connect with me: https://steliefti.com https://twitter.com/steli https://www.linkedin.com/in/steliefti/ | |||
| 03 Jun 2021 | 080: Make Your Inner Critic Part of Your Creative Practice | 00:30:04 | |
Whenever you pour your heart into a creative endeavor, those critical thoughts can derail you. "You can't do this." "This isn't good enough." "Who do you think you are to even try?" (And yeah—I'm holding back here. The voices in my head are much harsher.) You can try to fight these voices. That's been my go-to-strategy for much of my life. "STFU, I'm gonna do it anyway." That works. Sometimes. But over time, it also gets very, very tiring. Now, I'm trying something different. I listen to these voices. I appreciate them for speaking up, because I know: They have a reason for saying these things. There's an underlying positive intent. I might not always understand that intent, nor agree with it. But I do believe that these critical parts of myself have my best interest at heart. This is changing me, and changing the way I work. I noticed this again on the second day of my 30 day creative writing challenge. Shownotes: https://steliefti.com/inner-critic-friend/ Connect with me: https://www.linkedin.com/in/steliefti/
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| 13 Jun 2021 | 081: Meeting My Inner Narrator | 00:44:20 | |
I recently had another IFS session on an elliptical, and this time it led to an unexpected encounter with my inner narrator. Shownotes: https://steliefti.com/meeting-my-inner-narrator/ Connect with me: https://steliefti.com https://twitter.com/steli https://www.linkedin.com/in/steliefti/ | |||
| 23 Jun 2021 | 082: What Would I Want to Learn From My Younger Self? | 00:16:13 | |
There's a popular interview question I've been asked many times: What's one piece of advice you'd give your younger self? To me, a much more interesting question if I could travel back in time and meet my younger self would be: What could I learn from my younger self?
In this episode, I share my thoughts around that, and in a way, I do meet a younger version of myself: By watching an interview Scobelizer did with me just after my arrival in the US 14 years ago. Shownotes: https://steliefti.com/learn-from-my-younger-self/ Connect with me: https://www.linkedin.com/in/steliefti/
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| 29 Jun 2021 | 083: The Beautiful Wisdom of Anna Karenina's Derailing Marriage | 00:22:30 | |
I've been reading Tolstoy's Anna Karenina recently, and absolutely love this book for the sharpness with which he looks at relationships, and how people communicate. There's so much wisdom within these pages, about misunderstandings beyond repair, painful truths and the convenient lies we sometimes hope for. Shownotes: https://steliefti.com/anna-kareninas-derailing-marriage/ Connect with me: | |||
| 03 Jul 2021 | 084: How to Change the Way I Feel About Germany? | 00:34:31 | |
I grew up in Germany, and spent most of my life there. And yet, I never felt at home in Germany, never liked living there. If Germany was a family member of mine, it would be a heartless, cold, disapproving stepdad—that's how I'd describe it.
But I don't want to feel that way. My family lives here, many of my friends live here, and whether I like it or not, Germany will be part of my life for the rest of my life. So in this episode, I'm wondering how I can improve my relationship with Germany? What kind of inner work will it take to make Germany a place that I like staying at? Shownotes: https://steliefti.com/the-way-i-feel-about-germany/ Connect with me: | |||
| 07 Jul 2021 | 085: The Dance of Anger: Are You Over- or Underfunctioning? | 00:15:03 | |
One of the most insightful books on managing anger I've read is The Dance of Anger: A Woman's Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships, and in this episode I discuss the concept of overfunctioning and underfunctioning. Shownotes: https://steliefti.com/dance-of-anger-over-or-underfunctioning/ Connect with me: https://steliefti.com https://twitter.com/steli https://www.linkedin.com/in/steliefti/ | |||
| 10 Jul 2021 | 086: The Joy of Inner Conflict in Tolstoy's Writing | 01:03:05 | |
One thing I love about Tolstoy's writing is with how much insight and empathy he's making the characters of his novels come alive. I learn so much about myself, and humanity in general by reading Anna Karenina, a novel written more than 100 years ago—much more than I've gained from reading a hundred books on psychology. In this episode, I'm geeking out on some of my favorite characters of the story, and like the beautifully lighthearted Oblonsky. Shownotes: https://steliefti.com/inner-conflict-in-tolstoys-writing/ Connect with me: | |||
| 15 Jul 2021 | 087: Less Discussions, More Decisions | 00:14:40 | |
Many years ago in the early days of Close, my cofounders and I would go out for dinner once a week to discuss the business. These discussions were good, but oftentimes they were just that: discussions. At some point, Anthony said: "Let's stop talking about all these different things and make a decision. What's one thing we can decide right now?"
This was gamechanging for us, and in this episode, I share how I'm using a similar framework in my personal relationships and in my inner work. Shownotes: https://steliefti.com/less-discussions-more-decisions/ Connect with me: | |||
| 19 Jul 2021 | 088: Stop Hiding Your Enthusiasm | 00:28:23 | |
This episode is an outtake from a conversation where I realized how I stifle my enthusiasm because I want to protect myself from the pain of embarrassment and disappointment. One of the greatest things about my younger self was how passionate I was about my dreams and goals (I talked about that in episode 82). I decided to stop hiding my enthusiasm, and embrace that sense of unfettered excitement. There's too much inner work to be done, and I can't let my fear of looking foolish get in the way. Shownotes: https://steliefti.com/stop-hiding-your-enthusiasm/ Connect with me: | |||
| 25 Jul 2021 | 089: Don’t Give Advice, Create Connection | 00:16:52 | |
I recently had a conversation with a friend who's been through a couple of challenging months. And as he shared his struggles with me, my initial response was to share how I in the past had overcome struggles similar to the one he had described. And now, the conversation was going well... but it wasn't really flowing. We weren't connecting as friends. It was more like a coaching session—but that wasn't the point of our conversation. I'm not his coach, he's not my mentee. We're friends. And as I noticed this, I switched gears. Rather than trying to present him solutions, I started to just share some of my own recent struggles. And that instantly changed the dynamic of our conversation. Now we were connecting as friends, just shooting the shit, laughing, having a great time—and funny enough, the impact of our conversation was probably much deeper than if we'd have continued down the "coaching call" path. Shownotes: https://steliefti.com/advice-vs-connection/ Connect with me: https://www.linkedin.com/in/steliefti/
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| 02 Aug 2021 | 090: The Dangers of Overcorrecting Your Mistakes | 00:48:18 | |
Sometimes we don't learn from our mistakes at all, and we keep repeating them again and again. And sometimes we overcorrect our mistakes so much, that we just replaced one mistake with another mistake. Shownotes: https://steliefti.com/dangers-of-overcorrecting/ Connect with me: | |||
| 06 Aug 2021 | 091: Lying Is a Delightful Thing, for It Leads to Truth | 00:50:39 | |
"Lying is a delightful thing, for it leads to truth" wrote Dostoyevsky in Crime and Punishment. We discuss how you arrive at the truth through lying, and then about the twisted lies of Tolstoy's Anna Karenina, how her insistence on denying her own truth eventually leads to her ending her life. Shownotes: https://steliefti.com/lying-leads-to-truth/ Connect with me: https://www.linkedin.com/in/steliefti/
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| 08 Aug 2021 | 092: Meeting My Inner Endurer | 00:27:55 | |
I've yet again learned about another part of myself: It's the part that I call The Endurer, and it's one of the parts that my core Self hasn't fully integrated, or even acknowledged enough. I like to highlights other parts of myself that seem more impressive and heroic. But much of inner work is seeing all of yourself, and often what you find is humbling. Shownotes: https://steliefti.com/meeting-my-inner-endurer Connect with me: | |||
| 11 Aug 2021 | 093: Crime and Punishment by Dostoyevsky | 00:38:16 | |
In this episode I share my thoughts after reading Dostoyevsky's Crime And Punishment. A much more effortful, and less rewarding read than I had hoped, but I do love how deep it goes into the central theme of the story—which is what happens when we go against our own moral compass. Shownotes: https://steliefti.com/crime-and-punishment/ Connect with me: | |||
| 15 Aug 2021 | 094: Fatherhood Odyssey - What My Son’s Neediness Taught Me About Myself | 00:23:12 | |
My youngest son has a seemingly insatiable desire for attention from his mom. Sometimes it escalates into awkward neediness, and it hurt me seeing my son feel this way. I tried to step in and "save" him from feeling this way—but to no avail. Only his mom's attention would do. And recently, I wondered: Why does this affect me so much? Shownotes: https://steliefti.com/my-sons-neediness/ Connect with me: | |||
| 15 Aug 2021 | 095: What I Learned From My Grandfather | 00:28:02 | |
It was 2007, I had just moved to the US, when I received a call from my brother: My grandfather had died. I was his namesake, and his favorite grandchild. People always told me how much I came after him. He was a larger than life character, always believed that I was special, that I was destined for greatness. I had learned so much from him, and now he was gone. I felt terrible. And then somehow, I felt the desire to write him a last, final letter. In this episode, I re-read this letter for the first time in many years. Shownotes: https://steliefti.com/papou/ Connect with me: | |||
| 20 Aug 2021 | 096: Kissing My Mother’s Feet | 00:42:18 | |
I was recently on vacation with my family and shared a very special moment with my mother: For the first time in decades, I felt like the child of my mother—and her being my parent. I've stepped into the role of being her protector, coach, caretaker, and teacher for such a long time that I forgot what being a child even felt like. Shownotes: https://steliefti.com/kissing-my-mothers-feet/ Connect with me: | |||
| 27 Aug 2021 | 097: What My Insecure Loser Friend Taught Me About Self-Esteem | 00:44:09 | |
First of all: My friend is not an insecure loser. He's an amazing person that I enjoy to spend time with and learn from. But he sometimes thinks that others think of him as a loser. And let's be honest: Deep down, most of us are scared on some level that we're losers. Connect with me: | |||
| 04 Sep 2021 | 098: The Potato Chip Friendship | 00:21:36 | |
Recently while on vacation in Greece I was looking for some more lighthearted literature and picked up Charles Bukowski's Ham on Rye. Well, let's say it wasn't exactly the feelgood read I sought, but the story of the potato chip friendship stuck with me. Shownotes: https://steliefti.com/potato-chip-friendship/ Connect with me: | |||
| 10 Sep 2021 | 099: The Neverending Story: How We Narrate Our Every Moment | 00:11:31 | |
I started paying more attention to the soundtrack of my live—that inner narator that constantly makes up stories about what it is I do. And I started experimenting with it: What if I change the narration? What if I switch it off? What if I give my narration a theme, so that whatever I do is viewed through and guided by that particular idea? The way we talk to ourselves is a big part of inner work, and I revisit this area of my life every once in a while and learn something new, try something new, and more often than not am surprised by what I find. Shownotes: https://steliefti.com/how-we-narrate-our-every-moment/ Connect with me: | |||
| 12 Sep 2021 | 100: The Courage to Be a Degenerate | 00:15:21 | |
After 100 episodes of intimate navel-gazing and serious inner work, it's time so start sharing some of the silly goofing around we do in between. Expect nothing meaningful from this episode. We're talking Jocko Willink, Charles Bukowski, the courage of degenerates, and the cowardice of choosing to live your life in the safe harbor of propriety. Shownotes: https://steliefti.com/courage-to-be-degenerate/ Connect with me: | |||
| 20 Sep 2021 | 101: The Art of Accepting Help (When You Think You Don’t Need It) | 00:21:02 | |
Oftentimes the people who think they need help the least are the ones that need it the most. I've always been a giver. I always loved to help others. But asking for, and receiving help, that was something I struggled much more with in some areas of my life. And I know plenty of people for whom this is true as well. So in this episode, I talk about the inner work involved in accepting that we need help when we do, and receiving the blessings that life sometimes has in store for us with humility and appreciation. Shownotes: https://steliefti.com/accepting-help/ Connect with me: | |||