Giles Coren Has No Idea (The Times)

Giles and Esther return to find a column idea; from Boris's roadmap to recovery and Barak Obama and Bruce Springsteen's podcast, to Charles Darwin's heirloom chest and Gwyneth Paltrow's covid cure. With just a couple of weeks until lockdown easing begins Giles is helping Esther come to terms with the children going back to school.

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Producer: Ben Mitchell

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Giles and Esther ponder over the stories of the week; from deep cleaning trains and Tony Blair to the opening of restaraunts and obesity levels in Malta. The doorbell doesn't stop ringing with mystery packages for them both.

You can read Giles in The Times here: https://www.thetimes.co.uk/profile/giles-coren

And subscribe to The Times and Sunday Times here: https://www.thetimes.co.uk/subscribe

Producer: Ben Mitchell

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Giles and Esther return from their holiday to masses of articles on their kitchen table; from Boris Johnson proroguing parliament to sheep returning to Hamsptead Heath. Esther looks forward to getting new kittens and Giles bemoans the acknowledgements in his summer reads.

You can read Giles in The Times here: https://www.thetimes.co.uk/profile/giles-coren

And subscribe to The Times and Sunday Times here: https://www.thetimes.co.uk/subscribe

Producer: Ben Mitchell

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Giles and Esther read the papers for the final time this series to find another column idea; from lockdown exercise and BBQ’s to narcissism and 'shop out to help out'. Giles is enjoying his new high-tech rowing machine and Esther outs his infamous family BBQ disaster.

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Producer: Ben Mitchell

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Giles and Esther peruse the week's top stories for the final time this series; from disposable cups at the Tory party conference to the world's oldest restaurant in Rome. Despite mentioning sex in virtually every episode, it turns out that Giles isn't God's gift to women after all.

You can read Giles in The Times here: https://www.thetimes.co.uk/profile/giles-coren

And subscribe to The Times and Sunday Times here: https://www.thetimes.co.uk/subscribe

Producer: Ben Mitchell

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Still at home, obviously.  Giles has been awake since dawn.  He has read and annotated the week's papers in search of stories to inspire his Times’ column. For Esther, the joys of homeschooling are palling. Eggs are a concern.

You can read Giles in The Times here: https://www.thetimes.co.uk/profile/giles-coren

And subscribe to The Times and Sunday Times here: https://www.thetimes.co.uk/subscribe

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Giles and Esther have returned to look through the week's papers; from Meghan's poetry and lost sounds, to vegan cooking and Line of Duty. Esther wants to show off her lyrical side to Giles, but he wants to only connect with our very special mystery guest.

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Producer: Ben Mitchell

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Giles and Esther scour the papers to find inspiration for his Times’ column. James Blunt’s tuna fixation, cam shafts and

pre-historic social networking peak some interest. Giles proposes an innovative solution to loo-roll-gate.

But the mood in the kitchen is dampened by news of a loss in the family.

You can read Giles in The Times here: https://www.thetimes.co.uk/profile/giles-coren

And subscribe to The Times and Sunday Times here: https://www.thetimes.co.uk/subscribe

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Giles and Esther mine for stories from this week's papers for the last time this series; from electric cars and Prince Charles tv station to the school run and a second lockdown. Giles is waiting to see if his trip to Denmark is cancelled and Esther is keeping her fingers crossed and his bags packed.

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Giles and Esther sweat their way through the week's top stories; from the record breaking heatwave to the cabinet reshuffle and dad jokes. Giles discusses the importance of beach etiquette and Esther expresses her hatred of puns.

You can read Giles in The Times here: https://www.thetimes.co.uk/profile/giles-coren

And subscribe to The Times and Sunday Times here: https://www.thetimes.co.uk/subscribe

Producer: Ben Mitchell

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Giles and Esther pick through this week's papers; from podcasts for dogs and Love Island, to the Greggs vegan steak bake and how 47 is the worst age to be. Giles is distraught to learn that Esther has taken their cat to be neutered.

You can read Giles in The Times here: https://www.thetimes.co.uk/profile/giles-coren

And subscribe to The Times and Sunday Times here: https://www.thetimes.co.uk/subscribe

Producer: Ben Mitchell

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Giles and Esther are still away. One having a well-earned rest...the other is topping up his tan. So, we thought we'd bring you another special edition of the podcast. Welcome back to Desert Island Crisps, a section of Giles's Times Radio show, where each week a different celebrity is set adrift onto a desert island and reminisce about the foods that shaped their lives.

This week, the jiving judge Rob Rinder, looks back at the foods that made him; from caviar and fresh grilled squid to his grandfather's painful relationship with food after being liberated from a Nazi concentration camp.

Producer: Ben Mitchell

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Alright, already... What now?  Esther has a wealth of ideas to inspire Giles. They have columns to write. They have children to feed. The floor is gritty. Giles is trying.   Esther suggests no gherkins until May. 

You can read Giles in The Times here: https://www.thetimes.co.uk/profile/giles-coren

And read Esther and Giles arguing in the Times Magazine on Saturday 

subscribe to The Times and Sunday Times here: https://www.thetimes.co.uk/subscribe

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Giles and Esther take a look at the news of the week; from Rishi's latest budget and hotels in space, to Carrie's Westminster make-over and the UK's top earner. Giles interrogates Esther on what caught her eye during the budget; the tax rises or the Chancellor himself.

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Producer: Ben Mitchell

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Giles and Esther tentatively make their way through this week's papers; from the Festival of Brexit and spelling to England footballers and new lockdown rules. Giles is suffering from a particularly energy sapping hangover and Esther is happy to let him.

You can read Giles in The Times here: https://www.thetimes.co.uk/profile/giles-coren

And subscribe to The Times and Sunday Times here: https://www.thetimes.co.uk/subscribe

Producer: Ben Mitchell

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Giles and Esther dig through the papers to find a story for this week's column; from the new shopping rules on the high street to how we've interacted with our neighbours during lockdown. Giles reveals there's hope for his cat and Esther has a special thank you.

You can read Giles in The Times here: https://www.thetimes.co.uk/profile/giles-coren

And subscribe to The Times and Sunday Times here: https://www.thetimes.co.uk/subscribe

Producer: Ben Mitchell

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Giles and Esther tear through the papers to find a column idea; from the vaccine roll out and road closures, to cycle safety and lockdown induced twitches. Their back from last week's podcast cancelling row...but how long will the truce last?

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Producer: Ben Mitchell

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Giles and Esther are back in their lockdown writers room, formerly known as their kitchen, trying to find an idea for his column. This week; from how to holiday in a pandemic to a survivors guide for a second wave. Giles reveals his unconventional homeschool history lessons and Esther threatens divorce...again!

You can read Giles in The Times here: https://www.thetimes.co.uk/profile/giles-coren

And subscribe to The Times and Sunday Times here: https://www.thetimes.co.uk/subscribe

Producer: Ben Mitchell

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Giles and Esther return to the papers for ideas for this week's column; from museums, cinemas and other cultural spaces re-opening to what a socially distanced holiday in space would look like. Giles reminices about his teen years and Esther fights off a fox with a broom.

You can read Giles in The Times here: https://www.thetimes.co.uk/profile/giles-coren

And subscribe to The Times and Sunday Times here: https://www.thetimes.co.uk/subscribe

Producer: Ben Mitchell

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Seeing as though they still can't go away to their tropical retreat, Giles and Esther have returned sooner than ever before to their kitchen table to find new ideas for his weekend column.

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Giles and Esther flick through the papers for ideas for this week's column; from baking Royals and killer kittens to covid-face and the Swire diaries. Giles is being driven to madness by the building work next door and Esther hopes the podcast will end soon so she can get to brunch on time.

You can read Giles in The Times here: https://www.thetimes.co.uk/profile/giles-coren

And subscribe to The Times and Sunday Times here: https://www.thetimes.co.uk/subscribe

Producer: Ben Mitchell

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Giles and Esther run through the week’s top stories; from Dame Cressida Dick’s hatred of police procedural dramas to the continued rise of the sharing economy and a new series of The Apprentice. Giles and Esther continue to come to terms with being cat owners.

You can read Giles in The Times here: https://www.thetimes.co.uk/profile/giles-coren

And subscribe to The Times and Sunday Times here: https://www.thetimes.co.uk/subscribe

Producer: Ben Mitchell

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Giles Coren and Esther Walker scan the pages of the week’s papers for inspiration for his column in the Times. International Women’s Day, parrots and strip cartoons create pause for thought, as does the looming threat of Coronavirus. Giles is caffeine fuelled and on musical form. Esther does not appreciate Iris’s new choice of scent.

You can read Giles in The Times here: https://www.thetimes.co.uk/profile/giles-coren

And subscribe to The Times and Sunday Times here: https://www.thetimes.co.uk/subscribe

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Covid restrictions are lifting and so we've given Giles and Esther freedom to roam once more the through the podcast world.

Join them every Friday for a fly on the wall insight into the ideas that did, and very much didn't, make it into this weekend's column.

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Giles and Esther return to find another column idea from the week's papers; from Russia's invasion of Ukraine and a 5 year-old novelist, to holiday parks and culture wars. Giles is trying to learn from the negatives of The White Lotus whilst Esther is on the prowl to capture an invading ginger cat.

Get more of The Times and The Sunday Times for less than £1 a day. Visit www.thetimes.co.uk/gilescorenhasnoidea to start your free trial.

Producer: Ben Mitchell

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Giles and Esther take a careful look through this week's papers to find a new column idea; from Roman Abramovich and mental health in farming, to private schools and boring classic novels. Giles tries to balance his brand of humour with being sensitive to the atrocities in Ukraine whilst Esther has written a topical pop quiz.

Get more of The Times and The Sunday Times for less than £1 a day. Visit www.thetimes.co.uk/gilescorenhasnoidea to start your free trial.

Producer: Ben Mitchell

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Giles and Esther delve into the papers to find an idea for this week's column; from Russian sanctions and the war in Ukraine, to Ancient Greece and Tom Holland and Mark Wahlberg in Uncharted. Giles reminisces about children's TV and Esther despairs at their choice for family movie night.

Get more of The Times and The Sunday Times for less than £1 a day. Visit www.thetimes.co.uk/gilescorenhasnoidea to start your free trial.

Producer: Ben Mitchell

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Giles and Esther mine for a column idea from this week's papers; from brands leaving Russia and what makes people boring to the inflation index and police no longer being able to have affairs. Giles reminisces about the night he thought he'd become cool and Esther buys a piece of controversial garden furniture.

Get more of The Times and The Sunday Times for less than £1 a day - visit www.thetimes.co.uk/gilescorenhasnoidea to start your free trial.

Producer: Ben Mitchell

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Giles and Esther thumb their way through this week's papers for another topic for his column; from Royal washing-up liquid and state school Oxbridge candidates to regional accents and pranks. Giles and Esther both reveal they have a crush on the same member of the Royal family.

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Producer: Ben Mitchell

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Giles and Esther dig through the week's news for a column idea; from the Jackie Weaver inquest to the London Resort spider, to Prince Phillips memorial service and Will Smith's slap at the Oscars. Giles is worried because he hasn't read the papers yet whilst Esther is struggling to find ski gear for their holiday.

Get more of The Times and The Sunday Times for less than £1 a day - visit www.thetimes.co.uk/gilescorenhasnoidea to start your free trial.

Producer: Ben Mitchell

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Giles and Esther have donated their paper subscriptions to Ben this week as they head off on their first ever family ski holiday. Will they return in one piece? Will they be converted to be ski-people? Return next week to find out. In the meantime, here is a collection of some of their best column ideas from recent episodes.

Get more of The Times and The Sunday Times for less than £1 a day - visit www.thetimes.co.uk/gilescorenhasnoidea to start your free trial.

Producer: Ben Mitchell

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Giles and Esther return from their debut ski trip to slalom their way through the news of the week; from Partygate and driving tests to swearing and Petri dish caviar. Giles has smugly already written his column and Esther sets out her rules for if Giles ever goes on I'm a Celebrity...

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Producer: Ben Mitchell

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Giles and Esther piece their way through the week's papers; from Macron's chest hair and boring recipe books to Liam Gallagher getting old and changing your washing up sponge. Giles tries to work out why Esther is in a strangely zany mood...whilst Esther is having a great time.

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Producer: Ben Mitchell

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Giles and Esther talk through this week's papers; from the Queen's Jubilee and reusable Burger King boxes, to Elon Musk and post-covid customer service. Giles is on a mission to try and get a book deal and Esther is delighted to see Mo Tenzing has come home.

Get more of The Times and The Sunday Times for less than £1 a day - visit www.thetimes.co.uk/gilescorenhasnoidea to start your free trial.

Producer: Ben Mitchell

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Giles and Esther return with a new series in the wake of a new Prime Minister, a new King...and new building works!

Join them every Friday to find out what ideas do and don't make it into this weekend's column.

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Giles and Esther return to ruffle up the papers in order to find an idea for this week's column; from a new Prime Minister and a new King, to a inconceivable number of ants and going back to the 80's. Esther is delighted that the new building work has started upstairs and Giles is still reeling from falling victim to a phishing scam.

Get more of The Times and The Sunday Times for less than £1 a day - visit www.thetimes.co.uk/gilescorenhasnoidea to start your free trial.

Producer: Ben Mitchell

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Giles and Esther pick apart the papers for this week's column idea; from a scary fiscal event and saving Britain's wild birds, to cheating at chess with a sex toy and saying farewell to the boss. Giles pays tribute to his outgoing editor and Esther is picks bits of ceiling out of her tea.

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Producer: Ben Mitchell

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Giles and Esther leave their kitchen to skim through this week's papers for a column idea; from Liz Truss U-turns and Emily Thornberry speeding, to being attractive over 50 and Meghan Markle's truth. Giles shows a worrying level of forgetfulness and Esther is concerned her son is manipulating her at dinnertime.

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Producer: Ben Mitchell

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Giles and Esther return to his office to flick through the papers; from Jamie Oliver and one pot cooking, to a pigeon for a bag and a disconnected Westminster. Giles shows a distinct lack of interest in Sarah Jessica Parker whist Esther is delighted by Sex in the City being back in the news.

Get more of The Times and The Sunday Times for less than £1 a day - visit www.thetimes.co.uk/gilescorenhasnoidea to start your free trial.

Producer: Ben Mitchell

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Giles and Esther jumped the gun to find this week's column idea; from James Corden's table manners to bad tourist attractions. But despite some cracking ideas from Esther this week, Giles has torn up whatever he was writing given the news about Liz Truss's resignation.

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Producer: Ben Mitchell

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Giles and Esther return refreshed from a half-term halloween break to flick through the papers; from Potter power and Hancock in the jungle, to saving the Bounty and a dining institution. Ben shook off a horrendous migraine to record the show...a day later than usual - but did it help give Giles more time to work on his column?

Get more of The Times and The Sunday Times for less than £1 a day - visit www.thetimes.co.uk/gilescorenhasnoidea to start your free trial.

Producer: Ben Mitchell

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Giles and Esther are back in Kitty's bedroom surrounded by this week's papers; from I'm a Celebrity and the cannon of Charles Dickens to ancient hair products and exotic animals. Giles is excited by the prospect of a trip to the theatre and Esther has been floored by Sam's pet based dossier.

Get more of The Times and The Sunday Times for less than £1 a day - visit www.thetimes.co.uk/gilescorenhasnoidea to start your free trial.

Producer: Ben Mitchell

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Giles and Esther return to thumb through this week's papers; from Christmas dinner and height enhancement surgery to Rishi's wardrobe and what it means to be a man. Giles is VERY hungover and Esther defends the Prime Ministers shoes.

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Producer: Ben Mitchell

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Giles and Esther are back in the kitchen to pursue the papers; from planing for retirement and architect nightmares, to acts of love and the word of the year. Giles creates a new game whilst Esther tries to keep him on track with his diet.

Get more of The Times and The Sunday Times for less than £1 a day - visit www.thetimes.co.uk/gilescorenhasnoidea to start your free trial.

Producer: Ben Mitchell

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Giles and Esther scan the papers for this week's column idea; from parking tickets and this year's Today Show guest editors, to cold water swimming and finding a new job for Matt Hancock. Giles ponders what car Bond would drive and Esther reveals her top tips to avoid a fine.

Get more of The Times and The Sunday Times for less than £1 a day - visit www.thetimes.co.uk/gilescorenhasnoidea to start your free trial.

Producer: Ben Mitchell

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Giles and Esther peruse the papers for this week's column idea; from Harry and Meghan and Tudor war cries, to Christmas TV and English cricket. Giles dreams of one day meeting Ben Stokes and Esther reveals her secret Shakespearean crush.

Get more of The Times and The Sunday Times - visit www.thetimes.co.uk/gilescorenhasnoidea.

Producer: Ben Mitchell

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Giles and Esther give the papers fone more once over for the series; from MI6 quizzes and Christmas presents, to Harry and Meghan and the future of cricket. Giles is left speechless by some amazing news and Esther is left breathless by another coughing fit.

Get more of The Times and The Sunday Times - visit www.thetimes.co.uk/gilescorenhasnoidea.

Producer: Ben Mitchell

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Giles and Esther return after their Christmas break to flick through this week's papers; from Prince Harry and high blood pressure, to electric cars and conspiracy theories. Giles confirms himself as a medical marvel and Esther is outed as a blackbelt in the bedroom...but not like that.

Get more of The Times and The Sunday Times - visit www.thetimes.co.uk/gilescorenhasnoidea.

Producer: Ben Mitchell

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Giles and Esther burn through this week's papers looking for a column idea; from Clarkson's apology and the death of electric cars, to evil office cake and changing perceptions of Henry VIII. Giles is off to exchange his infamous electric Jaguar and Esther counts the amount of times the burglar alarm goes off during the recording.

Get more of The Times and The Sunday Times - visit www.thetimes.co.uk/gilescorenhasnoidea.

Producer: Ben Mitchell

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Giles and Esther look through this week's papers to find a column idea; from banning books and tax return season, to a super smart toddler and the undercover fridge. Giles begins to question the loyalty of his kitchen appliances and Esther passes the Mensa entrance exam.

Get more of The Times and The Sunday Times - visit www.thetimes.co.uk/gilescorenhasnoidea.

Producer: Ben Mitchell

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Giles and Esther surf through this week's papers; from children's orchestra's and Welsh school names, to caffeine percentages and dragons in court. Giles reminisces about a childhood favourite book and Esther's extensive knowledge of Flobert is put to the test.

Get more of The Times and The Sunday Times - visit www.thetimes.co.uk/gilescorenhasnoidea.

Producer: Ben Mitchell

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Giles and Esther skim the week's papers; from increased ADHD diagnoses and why we don't laugh enough, to the return of Fawlty Towers and the benefits of BeReal. Giles recounts his favourite 70's sitcoms and Esther tries to hold back the laughter when thinking about her children falling over and walking into doors.

Get more of The Times and The Sunday Times - visit www.thetimes.co.uk/gilescorenhasnoidea.

Producer: Ben Mitchell

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Giles and Esther return refreshed from half-term to discuss this week's best bits; from Squirrel pelts and electric cars, to King Charles eco-dreams and Keir Starmer's love of his home. Giles rethinks what he thinks it means to be Jewish and Esther shares her extensive knowledge of Stoats.

Get more of The Times and The Sunday Times - visit www.thetimes.co.uk/gilescorenhasnoidea.

Producer: Ben Mitchell

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Giles, Esther and Ben pick through the news of the week for the last time together; from fixing Brexit to Michelin stars, to weather presenters going on strike and Scott Mills getting stuck in his electric car. Giles laments the loss of producer Ben and Esther shows off her astonishing knowledge of Ireland.

Get more of The Times and The Sunday Times - visit www.thetimes.co.uk/gilescorenhasnoidea.

Producer: Ben Mitchell

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With Ben departed Giles and Esther engage in some existential podcast reflection before tackling their new producer, the social scene at Cheltenham races and Prime Minister Sunak’s dog walking. Giles grills Esther on Jeremy Hunts pension plans and Esther grills Giles on why he can’t control his bladder. 

Get more of The Times and The Sunday Times - visit www.thetimes.co.uk/gilescorenhasnoidea.

Producer: Neil Cartmell and Anya Pearce

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If you wanna know if he loves you so its in his…laugh. Giles listens very carefully to Esthers giggles to see if she is still madly in love with him. Will a three year cruise restore the romance or perhaps an encounter with poet Alan Ginsberg? After some monkeying around Esther and Giles come to the rescue of some ramblers. 

Season 9 ends here. Seasons 10 begins after Easter. Thanks for listening. 

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With the coronation around the corner Giles considers the merits of republicanism…but not for long. In a stark example of modern day classism King Charles decides what he would like named after him while others are not even called my their own name.

Seeking to better themselves Giles and Esther ponder how one properly navigates flatulence whilst receiving a knighthood? And why on earth would anyone want to dunk any biscuit more than once?

If you like the podcast, please subscribe. If you do, we might give you a free Jaffa Cake.

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Killed, plucked, and wrapped in plastic…not Esther’s Christmas present to Giles but the life of a farmed chicken. That is one of the subjects addressed in this week’s eclectic episode. Diets, saggy faces, a royal crush and mind reading also feature …oh and the coronation.

Now, why did I come in here…and what’s my name…?

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Esther is shocked by a new book she is reading; Giles is shocked to hear that botox is ultimately a manifestation of a fear of death. They discuss the truth about getting old as a woman, and as a man, but more as a woman.

Finally, it doesn’t take a 1st from Oxford to know that the kitchen is the heart of any home, but it seems our American cousins have only just figured this out.

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Coming up on this morning’s show…. Esther and Giles make their long-awaited pitch to replace Holly and Phil on daytime TV. They prove their worth by tackling serious subjects such as long-term sickness. They tug on the heartstrings with an emotional story about Giles’ late father; they make the effortless gear change to a personal struggle about ADHD, before finally a bit of bouncy mid-morning relief as they demolish the wine tasting industry.

A minor problem with a few indiscreet name drops, but nothing some tweety birds can’t fix.

Hope you enjoy the show. We’ll be back next week with a man who built a replica of the Taj Mahal out of orange peel.  

If you enjoy the podcast, please hit subscribe. Thank you.

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Many subjects try, but many fail to pique Giles’ interest this week. Seagulls, sex lives and holidays are dismissed before German ablutions come close. Next, a motion by the always eager to please Liberal Democrats faces gallant failure. In the end it is an inadvertent sneeze that reveals the diamond in the rough…or the raspberry in the bush.

Ick nicht auf vin pisser.

Children that they are, Giles and Esther are on half term next week.

Please do subscribe to the podcast and we’ll see you in two weeks.

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If I say ‘the Queen’ who do you think of? Camilla or Elizabeth? Esther makes the same mistake, but Giles is too busy thinking about ex girlfriends.  

Is the Bible compatible with modern sensibilities? Giles and Esther have a stab at de-sexy-fi-ing it.

They also tackle vet bills and Prince Harry before Giles decides to see what lurks at the back of the fridge.

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What do ‘Carry On’ actor Bernard Bresslaw and American actress Zendaya have in common? Not much I imagine, but they do both appear in this week’s pod.

Giles and Esther give their take on middle age, British AI and Johns Hopkins University’s definition of a lesbian. Giles decides to introduce Billy Bunter to cruciferous vegetables (no, me neither), and they consider if they have ever changed their own or anyone else’s mind, about anything, ever. To find out, have a listen. And if you like it, please do subscribe.

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If you’re wondering what ‘bazball’ is Giles gives a mercifully short explanation before trying to apply it to life. Esther is preoccupied with various tall attractive fast bowlers.  

They then discuss the perfect nap, the art of grifting and the sensitive subject of temperamental performers. Giles is very honest as he discusses how in the past, he earnt a reputation for being ‘difficult.’

Giles and Esther are away next week. They’ll be back with a new pod in two weeks’ time.

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G’day cobbers! Giles and Esther take a considered look at the ECB equality report; they then take a far less serious look at ‘cheating Aussie b**tards’.

Is twitter dead Esther pulls on the thread to find out. After a short break it is a whistle stop tour of Wimbledon past and present, Debrett’s guide and puppy yoga before Giles heads off to practice his didgeridoo and Esther feeds the Kookaburras.

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This week’s pod was recorded on Wednesday morning, BEFORE Huw Edwards was named as the ‘mystery BBC presenter’ in question. As a result, Giles and Esther spend the first few minutes trying very hard to stay on the right side of libel law. Please do have a laugh at their (and Neil’s) expense as they walk a pointless tightrope.

In other news; unique sounds, tennis is boring and for wusses and an alternate summer awaits.

We’re off for a break. Hope to see you in September. 

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Giles and Esther are back for series eleven.

Giles is annoyed with, well, everything, but podcasts and restaurants in particular. For a man who makes his living from both it could be problematic.

On the menu this week is the cost of restaurants, as Rich Stein is started charging for ketchup and Tom Kitchen is charging one hundred and seventy pounds for a Sunday lunch. Yes, one-hundred-and-seventy-pounds.  

What makes a good Dad, a thick neck or a firm hand? Giles definitely ticks one box. A surprising take on twenty miles per hour zones. And Esther is very interested in banning things.

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The subject of Russell Brand prompts Giles to ponder the merits of being a conspiracy theorist. Esther has been given the nod that comedians aren’t very good in bed, or is that just another conspiracy theory. 

Prime Minister Sunak is taken to task over his rolling back of the Conservative party green agenda and does Paris actually exist, at least the fetishised American version of it? 

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Flying cars, white wine on tap and ash trays by the bath. What possible wonders could the future hold? Whatever they are Giles hopes to live to see them but is pretty sure even with flying cars their will still be gridlock in the skies.

Boris and Carrie’s former nannie has hit the papers, demonstrating one of Esthers mottos, always pay the staff.

And a man walks into a bar and the barman says: ”Are you sure you should be here?”

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Giles and Esther take a pragmatic look at the Tory party conference and wonder what the pay off might be to go with many of the policy announcements. Neither are happy at the idea of doing maths until they’re eighteen, after all many of Giles’ friends from set four did very well without it, thank you very much.

Exeter university are running a masters course on magic, you can imagine the reaction. The art of the citizen’s arrest…Giles has tried on more than one occasion and failed, and that was when he was young and fit, before he hit the male menopause. Maybe he’d batter take some time off work to recuperate.

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As you might expect, this week is a difficult episode. Giles tries to make sense of events and his fluctuating reaction to them.

There isn’t much room for levity but Snoop dog releasing a new wine and Esther's fear of bedbugs do there best to offer some light to a very dark week.

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After a difficult few weeks Giles and Esther are back. Understandably the conversation begins with the ongoing conflict in the middle east, and its jarring contrast with the rest of life.

Matters develop as the idea of emigrating emerges…well running away would be more accurate. But where to, that is the question; Cuba, New Zealand, Mumbai…?

Finally, the ‘fruity’ language of Dominic Cummings…or is it Cummins? Is his lineage that of Campbell, Iannucci and Tucker? Or is he simply the result of unbearable frustration at pompous blobs…?

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Giles is feeling cut adrift, in the camp but not part of it, fearing the plight of a secular Jew is a rip off. 

With that conundrum left unanswered they try to help Barbra Streisand find some fun in her life.  Both agree it is more likely a good book by the fire then a private jet to see Katie Perry. 

Finally, a big shout out to our listeners in New Zealand – Kia Ora! 

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An eclectic mix of men’s health, politics, literary theory, and superheroes this week.

There is an unfortunate faecal air but fear not it is all in aid of cancer awareness, cinematic description or simply doing the Times’ dirty work.

Giles ponders what kind of resignation letter he’d write, and Esther writes an ode to David Cameron.  

Finally, the superhero is dead, long live the superhero…say hello to ‘The columnist!’

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Alternative titles this week could have been ‘Massive Nuts’ or ‘Now imagine you’re on twitter, 16 and a bit thick.’ Anyway, how are you? Yes, you? All set for Christmas? I don’t know where the time goes, only seems two minutes since it was January. Care for a biscuit...? Giles and Esther are discussing small talk. It seems that some Gen Z's might need a helping hand with face-to-face communication. Sad face emoji.  

They cover big talk as well with the autumn statement, eating disorders and anti-Semitic octopuses. Finally, they perform a graceful pirouette to discuss a trip to the ballet. 

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Giles and Esther are feeling a little uneasy about discussing the news. Well, one story in particular, the Israel Gaza conflict. Can anything be said, is anyone the right person to say it?

In cheerier news, winter is here, hurrah! Light the fire, hunker down and see no one. Whilst huddled under a blanket Esther has an idea, possibly one ‘borrowed’ from an Adam Sandler film; Esther wants to enact VAR in everyday life…did you really put the toilet seat down? Finally, the merits of single sex or mixed schools - Giles and Esther make their pitch for; “The rest is education.” 

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Its Christmas and it’s all hands to the ideas pump. Giles has columns to write, lots of them, and he’d like them done before Christmas eve. Cue a list of perennial Christmas crackers; cost of Christmas, Whamageddon!, other things to avoid before Christmas, who likes Christmas pudding and dead or alive at Christmas…

A quick look at robot reverends and Esther’s tips on prepping for the end of the world, and we’re half an hour closer to Christmas.

PS Benny Hill didn’t die on Christmas day. 

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It's fun, it's festive, it’s a bumper edition.

We hope you enjoy it. If you do, please share.

Merry Christmas, see you in the New Year.

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That's right, series two is right around the corner, and Giles and Esther are waiting at their kitchen table for you to pull up a chair and get the kettle on. Join them each week as they work out what Giles can write in his column whilst trying to avoid cats in their coffee and martial rows.

You can read Giles in The Times here: https://www.thetimes.co.uk/profile/giles-coren

And subscribe to The Times and Sunday Times here: https://www.thetimes.co.uk/subscribe

Producer: Ben Mitchell

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Welcome back and a Happy New Year. Giles welcomes 2024 by pondering the impending apocalypse. Thankfully that doesn’t last long before thoughts turn to working or wanking, or both. Is work by its very definition not to be enjoyed? To quote Esther; “it’s boring and it never stops.” It is unlikely that public sex acts would improve matters much, but it is hard not to consider once the seed has been sown. Speaking of filth, Giles hasn’t washed in six days, but with good reason. Esher on the other had has washed, but in an unconventional manner. Perhaps it is because, like Kate Moss, they just don’t give a fig…

Here's to series twelve, thanks for listening.

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What constitutes being fit for your age…a lap of the track, twenty push ups, or lugging a TV to the tip and changing the bed sheets? Giles and Esther put themselves to the test. Is ‘fat neck’ a sign of being unfit, or an ailment or not a thing at all. Whatever it is, Giles definitely doesn’t have it! And while we’re on illness, he doesn’t have man flu either. In fact, ‘man flu’ is just a tired trope…but he might have prostate trouble, but he can’t be sure because his doctor doesn’t wish to do the necessary.

Finally, a fly past of beards, queue jumping and potty mouthed parrots, all of which just about adds up to a podcast.

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Gwyneth Paltrow is…furious. Thankfully Gwyn has a unique way to unleash her anger. As a man used to losing his temper Giles feels he can give her some tips.

Esther and Giles have been mixing in rarefied circles, but they don’t like to talk about it…much. In an exclusive just for the podcast they give a little glimpse into the life of grace and favour.

Lean, fearful children, vain rats and a sexy Jesus pave the way for Rishi Sunak and advice on fasting. Sadly, they never did make it to Marcus Rashford or soft drink sommeliers…maybe next time.

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VAT on school fees offers Giles and Esther the chance to consider the effects of a deluge of public-school children into the state system. Should it come to pass there will be a familiar cast of winners and losers. A pressing question; how should one dress when out in Mayfair? As shabbily as possible it seems, with good reason, oh and don’t wear a watch.

After the break the Kings cancer diagnoses stirs some emotional memories, but nothing to be exploited. In lighter news it turns out that Orcas are not lost at sea and the French are having less sex, whilst the English are making eyes at their pets...

**For those, like me, unsure of the meaning of a ‘mufti day’ it is a non-uniform day at school

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Following last week’s comments about the Israel Gaza conflict, Giles had a visit to a local synagogue to navigate. It turned out the Rabbi may have been more famous than he is, but Giles did his aunt proud – shepping nachas!

Looking for a diversion, Giles and Esther watched a documentary on ‘Bennifer’ - Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez…it was quite a disappointment. Their version of a great love story has more in common with the Twits, things get out of hand when they list their pet peeves.

Staying with America, Peppa Pig is spreading the English accent across the Atlantic. Neither are fans of the pink oinker, or of world book day as it turns out. Finally, some wet nappies tie the whole thing together, sort of. 

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Peter Mandelson thinks Keir Starmer "needs to shed a few pounds". And Giles, always the friendly neighbour, thinks he can help his local MP look his dashing best on camera. What should he wear, where should he stand, and who should he stand next to? You're welcome Sir Keir - a future invite to Chequers is surely inevitable...

Plus, it's International Women's Day. So what better way to celebrate than writing about what International Men's Day would look like? And while in the safe confines of podcast land, Giles asks Esther about whether she's scared of the menopause.

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Giles has gone down the RAC rabbit hole, and to his delight it is providing him with an endless stream of evidence proving that he is, surprise surprise… an excellent driver. Not content with that he decides to quiz Esther on some of the most common driving myths, thus proving that she is not an excellent driver. You be the judge as to the veracity of his conclusions.

In a column that writes itself the ONS’s inflation basket gets a makeover for centrist dads, boomers, and millennials. Finally, Esther nails her colours to the mast – what is the point of university..?

** Mansfield College does in fact have college status, granted in 1995. 

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The new Bond, MP’s presenting TV programmes, Giles is a Gorilla and Ewan McGregor’s…acting skills.

Giles is very excited by the latest actor being linked with the role of James Bond, he feels sure he has some useful tips for the scrip writers – a Volvo car, a fussy mother, and some anti-allergy pillows.

Elsewhere, what would the BBC advertise if they could… waterproof pants or Stormzy’s latest album? Giles is preoccupied with the effect gravity is having on Ewan McGregor’s acting career. And Esther and Giles believe in the benefits of fasting, they have a gut feeling it’s a good thing. Sadly, recent research may disagree, they turn to Love Island contestant Auto Phagya for help.

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Britain was made great by arseholes; MP’s thinking about porn and national stereotypes.

It’s a very slow news week. Lacking stimulation Giles and Esther turn to pornography and the MP’s who are worrying about its effect on sex education. Inspired, Giles decides he can write a piece in praise of ‘the arsehole’ – they have a game of “good arsehole, bad arsehole” and speculate on the nature of Sacha Baron Cohen’s arsehole-ness.  

Fully expecting to face justice for their crimes against good taste Giles and Esther consider the potential end to the trial by jury system. In its place…trail by ordeal. Their punishment; to spend eternity gazing at an awful sculpture of a moustachioed plumber. 

Finally, an Italian, an Aussie and a Swede walk into a sauna...

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Warning flag: this episode contains sensitive content.

Fresh from the Easter recess Giles and Esther have a cunning plan to lure in new listeners, they’re flying the flag for air fryers. Keen to be welcoming of all cooking methods they undertake some thorough research which includes never using, trying or knowing anything about air fryers, before coming to a categoric conclusion on the latest kitchen gadget…

They take a look at the most expensive streets to live in the UK - none of which have flags in the  front garden - and compare them to their own ends.

Saving the best till last Giles and Esther try to identify the twenty-one sexuality and gender flags on display at a hospital reception in the midlands. Giles can’t find his flag, and he is worried about members of the Royal Navy. Finally, he stumbles upon an idea which he sends up his flagpole to see if it gets a salute… 

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Could the culture wars finally be drawing to a close? If they are what will Giles talk about in future; certainly not ancient antiquities, his knowledge is lacking in that sphere. How to spice up one’s autobiography, some celeb gossip here, a royal orgy there…let’s ask Rebel Wilson she is bound to have a few more ideas.

Age is but a number, which may just be seventeen thousand. That’s what John Cleese is paying for stem cell therapy. But why worry, what of the crows of the air, they do not sow or reap…perhaps because they are to preoccupied with the ‘Tokyo crow controller’…

Lastly, what makes a good friendship…Giles doesn’t care he’s too busy picking up crisp packets. 

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The pressing question this week is: If a T-Rex played Taylor Swift at chess who would win? An octopus has offered to referee, but only if it is paid in food stamps. ‘An expert’ has suggested that the T’Rex may have been a little dim…so Giles wonders what or who constitutes dim in the 21st century...?

Could the demise of Humza Yousaf be down to the Scottish Nationalists losing the culture wars…when asked for their opinion the great Scottish public replied “Get te f**k!” It turns out that it is not only opinionated columnists who need the culture wars, the Tory party do too, and possibly the Daily Mail.

Bland, over processed and will do you no good – Taylor Swift or supermarket bread? The bread of course, but some, may have reached Taylor Swift saturation point. 

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The Garrick Club is finally opening its doors to women, well some women. Whilst not a member, as a regular frequenter of the Garrick Giles lets daylight in upon magic and reveals the earth-shattering secrets of the gentleman’s club. Esther wonders why on earth anyone would bother. 

A grassroots Muslim campaign group emboldens Giles and Esther to offer their own list of demands to potential PM Keir Starmer. 

Brexit makes an unwelcome return as the fall guy for a bad opening night. Esther has sympathy but Giles smells a Gallic rat.

Finally, Esther stumbles upon the unforeseen consequences of automatic only driving tests…doom in a post-apocalyptic world. But does it make her sad...?

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Artist Jonathan Yeo has painted luminaries such as Tony Blair, David Cameron and most recently the King. He has also painted Giles (twice) and Esther’s sister. As old friends of Jonathan, Giles and Esther are well placed to guide the philistines of Instagram through his artistic talents.

Chancellor Jeremy Hunt is seeking to reassure the nation that all is well in the UK. Unfortunately, his lacklustre writing style is the least of his problems; he has an 800 year old tax rebate and a batty flautist to sort out first.  

A new carrot and carrot approach to the obesity crisis is showing positive results. Are incentives the way forward to change behaviours…? How much to make people pronounce semaglutide correctly…?

Finally, Giles gets in touch with his feminine side in the swimming pool, once he has buried his acorns…

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** This episode was recorded just before Prime Minister Rishi Sunak called the election; please sit back and bask in an election free zone.

Has Kevin Costner got better with age? Esther thinks so. She also ranks his film ‘Robin Hood Prince of Thieves’ as the best of all time, unlike his current project – Horizon: chapter one.

In a spooky premonition Giles stars in his own vanity project; a gripping drama about a snap election, an assassination and an ageing dad being called up to save the ashes.

A new sex themed Italian restaurant has opened in Milan, Giles does not want to know what the specials are!

Despite the recent tragic events statistically air travel is still very safe…just don’t board a plane built by the NHS and run by the Post Office. Whatever the plane, the 'Campden People’s Theatre' will be flying first class, but they’d love to mix with those in the cheap seats…

Finally, it’s time to prepare! Never mind the election we’re talking pandemics, learn from lock down - more pasta and hummus, less toilet roll.

If you’re wondering what the pitter patter in the background is, that’ll be the rain.

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Giles and Esther are at home, so are their children. No one has had time to read the papers, but inspiration is flowing, like Asterix’s magic potion. Or wine. The cats are nowhere to be seen.

You can read Giles in The Times here: https://www.thetimes.co.uk/profile/giles-coren

And subscribe to The Times and Sunday Times here: https://www.thetimes.co.uk/subscribe

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Giles and Esther are away this week. In their absence here is a short collection of recent highlights.

Giles faces a late fitness test. Esther takes the AA road quiz. And why won't flying taxis go south of the river...?

Hope you enjoy them. Please do like and share and we’ll see you next week.

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Stephen Fry has upset the ruddy faced members of the MCC; it has left Giles awkwardly fiddling with his box as he balances his desire to join the MCC with his admiration for Mr Fry.

No such trouble with Keir Starmer and Rishi Sunak who come in for equal disdain. Was it a debate or a barrister and a banker meeting at the school gates? Or a special episode of Numberwang…?

The debate slid to one side Esther and Giles consider a throbbing question; What are the most annoying ‘corporate speak’ phrases? Low hanging fruit, blue sky thinking…? Whichever it is, Giles and Esther are about to smut them up for you.

Esther thinks Giles has a big one, Giles thinks it is actually quite small, certainly not as big as Fergie’s. Thank goodness the late Queen Elizabeth insisted Fergie parade hers in public…

After all the saucy talk Esther needs a stiff drink…but not on a plane.

Finally, its back to the election as Rishi Sunak enlists Tom Cruise into his campaign team… 

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