Dive into the complete episode list for Friendship IRL. Each episode is cataloged with detailed descriptions, making it easy to find and explore specific topics. Keep track of all episodes from your favorite podcast and never miss a moment of insightful content.
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Pub. Date
Title
Duration
19 Oct 2022
Welcome to Friendship IRL
00:02:52
Imagine you could listen in on those unfiltered conversations about what is actually happening inside someone's friendships, community, and support system...
How someone navigated a friendship breakup even though they still see that friend often.
What does balancing marriage, friends, and family look like, and who is someone calling when they need support?
A parent who is wholly overwhelmed but doesn't have any family that lives nearby. Do they need to move back to their hometown? How might they build a support system from friends and the nearby community?
Alex Alexander asks the questions we all want to ask and unearths a new way to think about community, friendship, and the support systems we surround ourselves with.
"Doing things the way they've always been done" has left us all at our loneliest and most disconnected. So, ask the questions. Reimagine your relationships. Build yourself a better version.
Take the conversation beyond the podcast! Follow Alex on Instagram (@itsalexalexander) or Tiktok (@itsalexalexander), or send her a voice message directly with all your friendship thoughts, problems, and triumphs by heading to AlexAlex.chat and hitting record.
New episodes release weekly on Thursdays.
03 Nov 2022
Hello + 5 Ways You Need to Start Thinking Differently About Friendship
00:21:31
Welcome to the Friendship IRL Podcast! I’m your host, Alex Alexander.
My friends will tell you I like to ask the hard questions. Before starting this podcast, they kept threatening to secretly record me for my insight on friendship. I don’t consider myself a friendship expert by any means – just a person who cares deeply about it.
My mom passed away when I was 13, and a lot of raising my younger brother and sister fell onto me. In high school and college, I really leaned into my friendships, which was my respite from this responsibility at home.
At the time, I had no idea what I was creating, but it became a support system unlike any other. Today I’m in my 30’s, and the close relationships I have with so many friends surprises people. Nobody has that kind of friendship as an adult, they say.
I’m not here to tell you how to be a friend or have a friend; what I’m here to do is ask questions so you can build the right support system, made up of all the people – friends, family, romantic partners, children – whatever that looks like for you.
In this episode you’ll hear:
How valuing and talking about friendship is counterculture – and why it shouldn’t be
How, in small ways, you are already choosing what’s important to you through how you spend your time, resources, attention, etc.
How to do, ask, and expect less in your friendships, because it doesn’t have to be hard
How sometimes, all this friendship stuff can get uncomfortable – and why it’s okay
About the book I wrote after my year of obsessing about friendships and community, which will be released in 2023!
Reflection Question:
Where does friendship stand on your hierarchy of importance?
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
03 Nov 2022
Your Friendships Are Just As Important As Your Romantic Relationships
00:44:32
Today’s guest is my husband Michael. I know, some of you might be wondering: Alex, you just started a friendship podcast. Why are you bringing your romantic partner on?
But here’s the thing. This romantic partnership supports all the relationships we have outside it – with friends, family members, community. All the relationships in our life also help support this romantic partnership. It’s all connected.
So today we want to let you inside how WE look at the interconnectedness of all these relationships – and how prioritizing friendship can actually SUPPORT your marriage.
Michael and I met in college, the prime time for friends. If we had just forgotten everybody else at that time in our lives, we wouldn’t have any friends. We had to learn early how to balance our romantic relationship with our friendships.
We don’t get it right all the time. But I like to think that, as we grew older, we’ve honed in on what works for us, and how supporting each other’s friendships makes us each more whole, and consequently, stronger partners for one another.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
Seeking a variety of support outside of your marriage/relationship
How it’s unfair to burden one person (our partners) to support all parts of us
How to call out and say, “I am not the right person for this” – for example, I am not the right person for Michael to go to about anything regarding football!
Having separate friendships with your friends, even if you’re in a couple
The incredible dynamics it takes to have “couple friends”
Reflection Question:
How do you and your partner support each other’s friendships?
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
03 Nov 2022
What Is A Friend? And the 4 Types of Friends We All Have
00:21:55
This is a pretty important episode, because I want to talk about this ONE question:
What is a friend, really?
A lot of people are walking through life focusing on what isn't there when it comes to friendship. There's somehow an arbitrary marker of “we are friends!” that I don't even think most people can articulate. The truth is, it doesn’t have to be so black and white.
There's so much value happening in our friendships before they hit whatever this arbitrary threshold is that we're ignoring.
If you’ve ever thought, “I wish I was closer to that person” or “Our friendship used to feel different!”, prepare to be inspired as I share the 4 types of friends we all have in our lives, and how we can come to appreciate all of these friends in their own unique ways.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
Why we’re holding ourselves back from experiencing true friendships
The difference between “Familiar Friends”, “Defined Friends”, “Present Friends”, and “Historic Friends”
The beauty of taking small actions over time with our friends (it all adds up!)
What emotional intimacy roots are and why they are key to sustaining close and supportive friendships
Moving through the peaks and changes of friendships in our life, especially when one moves away or gets a new job
Holding on to our friendships more loosely, vs. gripping on so tight
Reflection Question:
In which “bucket” do you have the most friends? Is there a small action you can take today to make a friend feel appreciated?
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
10 Nov 2022
Navigating Friendship Through the Big Life Changes
00:51:11
When big life changes happen, our closest people want to anticipate our needs.
But after these transitions, we might be new versions of ourselves, with new boundaries, new interests. The things that mattered before don’t anymore.
Today’s episode is with my friend Sarah, who is expecting her first baby in March. While many of the things we talk about relate to the fact that she’s pregnant, the overall arc is about how the big life changes affect our friendships and support systems.
Every time my friends who do not have kids announce they’re pregnant, I’m simultaneously freaking thrilled and mournful, knowing things will be different now. We won’t be quite as free to pick up and do what we want all the time.
This conversation can apply to any big life transition: a move, an engagement, an illness, an accident, a career switch, or becoming an empty nester.
How do we navigate through these enormous changes? Sarah and I discuss a bunch of tactics, from using communication to bridge the gap, to letting go of the quantity of time and increasing the quality of time.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
Fear, grief, and ego in among friends and family as we go through major life transitions and turn into new versions of ourselves
The value in simple friends, who are not wrapped up in who we used to be
Reaching out to friends for different needs vs. in order of their “hierarchy” of closeness
Reconnections, and how these can facilitate completely new relationships
The ways communication can bridge the gap between friends during life changes
The vulnerability of letting people in, and the benefit of doing so before the “big moments”
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
17 Nov 2022
The Art of Making Friends with Connection Feast Founder Alex Friedman
00:53:24
Making friends can be scary, especially as an adult.
This is why I love Connection Feast, a social wellness company that hosts events to help create community and facilitate meet-ups between people over a shared meal. Connection Feast was founded by today’s guest, Alexandra Friedman, who envisioned the company after realizing that meetups weren’t working – the connections she made at them weren’t deep enough. Finally, she decided to take control of her situation.
I attended a Connection Feast event themed on “emotional intelligence.” And I came home like, whoa. I have 10 new things to consider about myself. Whether you meet someone or not, you’re going to come home with something. These are deep events.
One reason I love talking about friendship so much is because every time I think I know a good amount about friendship, I am utterly humbled by these relationships. There’s always new things to learn from and be surprised by. You’re going to LOVE this marathon of a conversation between Alex and I (and stay tuned for part 2!)
In this episode you’ll hear about:
How structure can help adults be more playful, and thus, make deeper connections with new acquaintances
The emotional intimacy and vulnerability it takes to make friends as adults
The danger of expecting reciprocity, and how that can set us up to be disappointed, especially if our friends are in different places in their lives
When people come into our lives for short periods of time, that doesn’t make it insignificant – sometimes short friendships can offer valuable gifts
The evolution of “big friendships” – they evolve over time, day-by-day, over sometimes mundane things
Resources & Links
Follow Alexandra on Instagram. Be sure to check out her events if you’re local to Seattle, and tune in next time to hear the rest of our marathon of a conversation about friendship!
Also, I strongly recommend the book we talked about, Atomic Habitsby James Clear.
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
24 Nov 2022
The Secret to Hosting a Gathering (Hint – You’re Probably Doing Too Much)
00:30:52
My secret to hosting and gathering people together? I don’t do it all.
For a while I tried to “do it all” as a hostess, but it honestly was stressful and not very fun. There's a photo of me as a kid somewhere, wearing a cute apron and serving my grandma and her friends for a party. For 10 years, I was also a professional wedding and event planner.
Since it’s the holiday season, I want to share my insight on what matters and what doesn’t when it comes to gathering people together – and how doing LESS can ultimately help us spend more time with the people we care about.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
The six jobs of hosting – the initiator, the organizer, the food role, the cleaner, the decorator, the day-of host
How to not do it all (split out the roles, narrow down the event, meet somewhere in a public place, keep things more casual & set limits)
How to do less when it comes to cleaning - i.e., you don’t have to scrub your baseboards, and you can just shut a door to a room
How day-of hosting often gets ignored, but this is make-or-break
Setting precedents for future events and turning things into traditions
The business term MVP – minimally viable product – and how it relates to friendship gatherings
Resources & Links
One book I adore and strongly recommend about hosting: The Art of Gathering by Priya Parker, which helps us understand the purpose of gathering.
For a list of the roles and a bigger description of what each entails (and how to not do everything) visit my website.
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
01 Dec 2022
How To Build Meaningful Relationships Beyond Just “Catching Up” with Alex Friedman
00:57:24
As adults, we often tell our friends we want to “catch up.”
People catch up over the phone. They catch up over dinner. But the thing about catching up is you’re telling someone about things that ALREADY happened to you. You’re updating them on your recent past instead of being in the present.
That’s why I’m such a big proponent of DOING things with people – running errands, hiking, paddleboarding, going on a trip, etc. Whenever you’re doing something together, you’re creating memories right now.
Today’s episode is Part 2 of my conversation with Connection Feast founder Alex Friedman. (If you haven’t checked out Part 1, do it now!) Alex and I love talking about friendship, and in this episode, we cover it all, from building friendships slowly to making the time you spend with your friends MEANINGFUL.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
A great formula for reaching out to people (hint – if you want to hang out with somebody, be specific!)
Small intimacies, and how it’s sometimes easier for friendship to build on these instead of big intimacies (plus the dangers of sharing too early or too much at once)
How to “create the container” for friendships to build, and then just allowing the connection to happen
Relieving the pressure of “catching up” by instead DOING something together
The impact of specificity when making new friends; for example, “I’m looking for friends who are really into yoga” (or meditation, running, hiking, etc.)
Friendships vs. relationships, and how both build slowly over time
Resources & Links
Follow Alex on Instagram. Be sure to check out her events if you’re local to Seattle; in this episode, she teased that her next feast is in January!
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
08 Dec 2022
How To Build a Friendship Community for Your Family
01:05:00
If this episode has a theme, it’s this: the adults in the room need to put on their air masks first.
Today I’m talking with my friend Adrienne, who I meet with every week to chat about business. Adrienne is married and the mom of two children, one in preschool, one in elementary school.
Adrienne is in the thick of trying to build a friendship community for her family. Here, she shares what’s working and what’s not. In my mind, what she’s doing is advanced community building, in part because it’s in her own needs. She wants people around she can depend on so she doesn’t feel alone raising her kids.
A lot of people tell me they never saw their parents have friends. Maybe they were part of a local group or a place of worship, but their parents never took those relationships outside of that one place.
My thoughts? Even if you live near family, you still might benefit from community support.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
How finding adult friends with shared interests is more sustainable than letting kids run the show, as kids’ interests are more malleable
Shared experience roots – and how this can make entering into a friendship community that already exists difficult
How offering small intimacies – inviting someone to your unclean house, for example – shows you’re human and offers the other person the opportunity to do the same
An overview of the “community conversation” Adrienne had with the families in her neighborhood
Investing in your own friendships, and why this models to children how to navigate and maintain friendships for themselves
How being part of a family’s community doesn’t always mean watching kids; it can involve taking apart a swing set or being an emergency contact, etc.
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
15 Dec 2022
Five Ways to Connect with Friends During the Holiday Season
00:21:45
I used to be a bit of a Grinch around the holidays. My family of origin story is not the best – and in fact, this season used to give me panic attacks.
Luckily, I’m well past those days, and part of the reason is I began spending the holidays with friends! For a long time, I tried to be subtle about my lack of holiday plans, casually asking friends what they were doing, seeing if they’d invite me.
But once I was finally HONEST about my situation – saying something along the lines of, “I don’t want to go home for the holidays. Can I go with you instead?” – it completely changed the holidays for me.
This is typically a family-forward season, which is great, but you probably have other people in your life who you’d like to make memories with during the holidays. So, for today’s episode, I’ve compiled a list of tips for how to make time with friends this time of year.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
Five ways to connect with your friends this holiday season
Ways to “opt out” of the things you’re not interested in or would feel burdened by
How traditions can actually save time and help you feel like you belong
Three different formats to create a tradition (pick it all, pick a date, create a series)
Doing “the necessary” to-do list items with friends (for example, holiday shopping, wrapping presents) instead of going at it alone
How to make sure you or your friends have a place to go for the holidays
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
05 Jan 2023
Simple Ways For Improving Social Wellness in the New Year (+ a Sneak Peek of My Book)
00:40:05
Full disclosure: I am a “set-your-goals” kind of person.
I used to get a little out of control with goal setting each year, thinking everything was going to be different overnight. But of course, real life isn’t like that!
In this episode, I want to talk about friendship communities and how to improve them in small, sustainable ways this year. What are the ways we can check in with ourselves? What are the factors – actions, habits, everyday changes – we can alter to improve our relationships in 2023?
You’ll also get a sneak peek of my new book (well … an abbreviated version, anyway!) and I hope that once you employ the advice in this episode, you feel like you’re on your way to impact change in your life and become the person you want to be.
Thank you so much for being here on this adventure with me. I’m really excited about 2023 and all that’s ahead of us.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
Using a “word of the year” to set goals and create a friendship vision for the new year
Three check-ins to find those small, everyday habits that will get you closer to your new year vision
Focusing in on time, including habits and boundaries; what can you add/trade/cut?
Different ways you can show up for friends this year (running errands, answering questions, making introductions, cooking, etc.)
How to cut out the “admin time” in terms of get-togethers and be more present
Simplifying and auditing communication so it actually works for you and your people
12 Jan 2023
How to Make Friends as a Grown-Up
00:35:03
Today’s episode is about how to make friends – namely, the REALITY we find ourselves in when seeking friendship as grown-ups. How we do it now is going to be different from how we did it as children, teenagers, and young adults – but in a GOOD way.
A friend recently said to me, “The way you talk about making friends sounds kind of like dating.” And, well, that’s because it kind of is.
But it doesn’t need to be that way. There’s value in even our simplest connections, so let’s get rid of that pressure and just enjoy meeting new people, trying new things, and connecting in new ways.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
The amount of pressure we put on romantic partners vs. friendships – and why, when making friends in real life, it’s better to expect less
How friendship in media (movies, social media, books, TV) is curated to create drama or dream situations – this is often not real life!
The realities behind the “pick-up-where-we-left-off friends” and the “friends that will always be there for us”
How making friends and maintaining friendships requires staying curious, taking small risks, paying attention, showing up, and using our time, energy, and resources
Spending time thinking about the kinds of new friends you want to make – i.e., what do you want to do with your friends? What do you want to connect over?
How to get unstuck with “defined friends” by letting them into other parts of our lives and creating new shared experience routes
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
19 Jan 2023
Digging Into the 3 Kinds of Friendship Roots
00:47:00
About three years ago, many of my friends moved away within a six month period.
While I was excited for these friends, I also grieved; my friends are my main support system, my family. How would I keep these friendships alive? I invested a lot of energy into thinking about it, through which I developed what I’m tentatively calling the “Your People” framework.
The best way to think about this framework is to imagine a tree. Trees start as seeds, and then you provide them with nutrients and soil. Over time, trees grow roots. Some roots get really thick and strong; some grow deep. Some grow offshoots. The more roots that grow, the more stable the tree.
In my friendship theory, there are three kinds of roots, which I’ll dig into today. My hope is that this framework and language helps people think about these relationships and consider what actions to take to build better versions of our friendships.
SHARED EXPERIENCE ROOTS and their offshoot roots – i.e., when you’re doing something related to the shared experience root, but in a way you’re comfortable
EMOTIONAL INTIMACY ROOTS – what we know about our friends and our shared memories – plus shared/overlapping history roots and big/small intimacies
STORY ROOTS – the beliefs you have about your friendships, and how we come to develop those beliefs
How letting roots (i.e., friendships) die is not a bad thing – we can’t be in high school geometry class forever – but it doesn’t mean it’s not a sad thing
How to keep these friendships thriving as we grow and change, and how to replace dead story routes with simpler, more straightforward story roots
One of the biggest problems when it comes to adult friendships – plus, the REAL foundations of these friendships
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
26 Jan 2023
There’s No “One-Size-Fits-All” Version of Social Wellness, with Lizzie Braicks-Rinker
01:07:57
TRIGGER WARNING: This episode contains some sensitive topics around the loss of a parent.
Today I’m with my dear friend, Lizzie Braicks-Rinker, a wellness brand strategist and holistic health and fitness coach.
We met in college, baking pie in the dorm basement, and bonded quickly; I told Lizzie my mom had passed away. She told me hers had cancer. We were at different stages in our lives than our peers, and because of this, had different needs and perspectives on wellness than they did, too.
In 2022, Lizzie gave a TED Talk on Mother’s Day about the difference between wellness and physical health. Her beliefs stemmed from her experience in college, when, on paper, she was extremely healthy – she was vegan, she was on the rowing team – and yet, she was having panic attacks and chronic pain due to the wellness pieces that were missing in her life.
In this episode, Lizzie and I talk a lot about holistic wellness – especially social wellness, of course – and how, really, there is no one-size-fits-all recipe.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
The eight pillars of holistic wellness (emotional, physical, occupational, social, spiritual, intellectual, environmental, financial) vs. the wellness industrial complex
How self-care looks different for everybody – it could involve playing with your dogs, getting your finances in order, or building a community support system
Why social wellness is often left off the priority list of wellness
How health (especially social health) – doesn’t have to be linear; for example, your social needs might be higher in the summer than they are in the winter
Creating the “third option” instead of accepting social obligations you’re just not into – or, creating INTENTION in these obligations so they feel fulfilling to you
Who is your true self vs. your ideal self? Plus, the importance of taking baby steps
Be sure to check out Lizzie’s TED Talk and the book she recommended in this episode, The Worthy Project by Meadow DeVor, and follow her on Instagram and check out her website.
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
02 Feb 2023
Friend Groups: How to Join a Friend Group or Create One
00:32:02
Friend groups get a lot of attention whenever I post about them on social media, and I’m not surprised. The group itself is like a story root. You feel like you BELONG inside it.
But what do we really KNOW about friend groups? Where did we learn about how they should operate? Sometimes they’re modeled to us, and sometimes, we imagine them to be what we see in books or TV shows.
So that’s what I’m tackling in today’s episode: how to join one, create one, strengthen one, and how to use them to enhance your life. I’m sure there will be more episodes on this topic, but today, I just wanted to lay down some thoughts.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
The strength of a friend group – and how it’s actually based on the strength of the individual relationships and connections within it
How to join an established friend group and become a more permanent member by taking initiative, showing up, contributing, and investing in the relationships
The pros and cons of joining a group – for example, you don’t have to start from scratch, but you might feel behind! – and the evolutions friend groups go through
Effort, energy, trial and error required to create a friend group – and the importance to remember other people might not be as invested, which is OK
Utilizing open-ended invites – for example, “I’m going to the bar at 4 p.m. tomorrow; stop by if you want to!” – and making it something you were going to do anyways
Picking an interest and creating a group around it – for example, a movie group!
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
09 Feb 2023
Staying Curious and Managing Differences Within Friendships
00:28:00
I feel like everybody wants the easy button to friendship.
And while there isn’t an easy button, I do think managing friendship dynamics is something you can get better at. I also think a lot of us are making it harder than it needs to be.
A lot of people tell me they want friends who are in the same place as them. Maybe that means they want friends who are parents. Friends who have the same interests. Friends who are in similar financial situations. Couple friends.
It makes sense; managing differences is difficult. It’s easier to be friends with people doing the same things as us. But even if you make friends with people who are in the same life moment as you, at some point, if this is a lasting friendship, you will have to manage differences with these friends.
So that’s what today’s episode is about: managing differences with new and established friends, and how staying open and curious can actually SUPERCHARGE our friendships.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
How friends are some of the only people we don’t necessarily factor into big life choices – which means we’re constantly making different life choices than our friends
Putting your best foot forward – i.e., morphing ourselves to become desirable friends – and how this is inauthentic and takes more energy in the long run
Managing differences within friendships that already exist – and why it can be more difficult with these friends than with new ones
The importance of staying curious and seeing our friends’ lives as windows into other ways of living, which can help alleviate problems and SUPERCHARGE friendships
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
16 Feb 2023
“Chosen Family” with My Chosen Family Member, Jeffrey
00:47:02
All right gang. Here’s to nights that turn into mornings, and friends that turn into family.
This episode features my friend Jeffrey, whose voice you MIGHT recognize from the Friendship IRL introduction! We’ve known each other as long as I’ve been with my husband Michael, and we’ve been saying that “cheers!” for more than a decade.
Jeffrey is part of my “chosen family,” which as you know, is a concept I lean on heavily. For me, it’s a necessity. But one of the things that’s so interesting about Jeff: he has a strong, supportive family of origin, but also naturally leans into the idea of a chosen family, too.
In this episode, Jeffrey and I talk about our relationship and this idea of chosen family – with emphasis on the word “chosen.”
These days, the time we spend together is different from that of our college days – there are stays with three-week old babies, now – but we CHOOSE to keep in touch, to be there for each other, and that’s what keeps our chosen family intact.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
Trust, which is the foundation of our friendship; we don’t second-guess our intentions or whether we want to hear from each other
Being OK showing up in sweatpants, and how that can set the precedent of coming as you are (AND eliminate reasons to not hang out)
When chosen families expand to your friends’ families, and the things we do because we’ve decided to add someone to our chosen family
How sometimes, adding someone to your chosen family means you’re committing to work harder – to fix problems and be there during the hard stuff
Spending time together without plans instead of formalized settings or big events in place
How being honest about what you’re looking for in a friendship can make all the difference in building your own chosen family
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
23 Feb 2023
Formal Communities, from the Military to Toastmasters
00:55:51
I am not from a military family. So to me, deployment sounds terrifying.
Think about it: you’re moving to a place where you don’t know anyone. If you’re part of a couple, one person is going to be alone a LOT.
But that wasn’t the experience for my friend Laura, who in this episode describes what it was like moving to Spain with a toddler and baby for her husband’s deployment in the aftermath of Sept. 11.
Upon her arrival, Laura was immediately enveloped in a warm welcome and greeted by a list of contacts and invitations to numerous events, get-togethers, and clubs. Throughout her husband’s many deployments, she learned this was the normal welcome for military families.
The military is essentially a formal community. Participation in formal communities has dwindled over the years, but I think there’s major appeal to them. When you join these groups, you’re not only eased into meeting other people, but you also take on a sense of belonging to the group. I think it breaks down a lot of western beliefs about support systems.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
Individuals getting over social barriers vs. people in the community taking on the responsibility to reach out
What constitutes a formal community – rules, structure, organization – and the importance of a common bond within them
Downsides of expecting reciprocity in friendship, and instead, thinking of what we do for each other as nourishment
Going into new friendships curious instead of via structured paths, and how to get past hierarchy in formal communities
The disappointment that will come from expecting one friend to be your EVERYTHING when you’re a grown-up
How scarcity can create more awareness of the importance of time well-spent
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
02 Mar 2023
Showing Up for People Who are Grieving With Aly Bird
00:55:04
TRIGGER WARNING: This episode contains some sensitive topics around the loss of loved ones.
As you probably know by now, I’m no stranger to grief. My mom passed away when I was 13. It’s the club nobody wants to be a part of.
Today I’m with Aly Bird, a coach, therapist-in-training, and the author of Grief Ally, about teaching people how to support their loved ones through the long haul of grief, which she knows about all too well, having lost her husband to a hiking accident back in 2019.
When Aly’s inquiry showed up in my inbox, I couldn’t have said yes to having her on the show any faster. It’s exactly the kind of conversation I want to have on here. Grief hits people differently every time, and to be frank, it never goes away. It’s been 20 years since I lost my mom, and I still have moments of grief.
In this episode, Aly and I cover it all, from showing up for grieving loved ones to remembering that all kinds of emotions can exist simultaneously - and how, sometimes, the best thing to do is surrender and let yourself feel all the feels.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
How supporting someone who’s grieving a LEARNED skill set that takes practice and transparency
The different kinds of grief besides losing loved ones, from new parents grieving their freedom to empty-nesters grieving their full houses
Grief’s never-ending quality, and how it’s never too late to offer your support, condolences, and willingness to be leaned on
One great way to support someone who’s grieving: sharing memories of the person lost, emphasizing that this person was real and seen
Surrendering and letting ourselves to feel things like jealousy (but not acting on them), and how that can shorten the timeline of these unhappy emotions
Navigating the duality of life, where grief exists for one friend and a happy occasion exists for another at the same time
Resources & Links
Be sure to check out Aly’s amazing book, Grief Ally, and check out her website.
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
09 Mar 2023
The One for "Little Alex"
00:37:10
Episode Description
I can't believe I recorded this episode.
I hope this work – bringing more community + friendship-focused conversations to the world – causes a ripple of change. In my wildest dreams, we all see a societal shift in how we think, speak, and act regarding community + friendship in our lifetime.
But I'd be lying if I told you this work is all 100% selfless.
At the core of this work is a selfish desire: I want my support system to be seen as valid.
Presently, that isn't the reality.
I am almost always met with resistance when telling people about the alternative support system I've built.
"But those people aren't really your family."
"Your nieces and nephews… aren't those your friends' kids? You aren't their real aunt."
"You aren't spending the holidays with your family...?"
"Family is everything" being accepted blindly as an absolute truth in society harms some people – myself included.
Please listen to today's episode with an open mind. I am sharing a deeply personal perspective that isn't often discussed.
I hope this episode challenges societal narratives and leaves everyone with a new perspective that causes us to approach each person's support system with compassion rather than judgment. It wasn't easy to record, but I'm proud that I did.
So here goes. My story. This one is for Little Alex.
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
16 Mar 2023
Small Actions Add Up: Putting Energy into Your Friendships
01:15:51
Becoming more invested in our friendships is like becoming a runner.
At first, it takes energy just convincing yourself to get out the door. That first run feels exhausting and maybe a little awkward. The next is a little easier. Eventually, you get to a place where you can finally experience the runner’s high.
Today’s episode features Kristin Morrison, a business coach who also manages the podcast Business Pathfinder. Originally, our idea was to talk about making business friends, but our conversation quickly encapsulated so much more, focusing especially on intentional everyday actions we need to take to build the connections we want.
Typically, I’m the person in friendship regularly lacing up my shoes. I have great connections and friends I trust in. But I have spent the past few months so focused on work, I’m out of social wellness shape. It’s time for me to get back to it.
Friendship, social wellness, community, connection – it’s never-ending. There will be ups and downs, and that’s okay.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
The lack of feedback you get digitally vs. in person, and how technology allows us to control what we show our friends – which often doesn’t contain anything vulnerable
The energy expenditure required of spending time with friends if you’re out of practice – plus, Kristin’s story about showing up for her friend who was dying
Limiting beliefs in friendship, including: that you can only have so many friends; that investing in friendship is a struggle; that you’re too old to make friends
Using feng shui to manifest friendships by making space in our schedules – similar to how Kristin used it to “manifest” her husband by making space in her home
Inviting people into our existing experiences, like having dinner, wrapping presents or getting our oil change, and the friendships Kristin made through her business group
How, if we BELIEVE we are contributing friends, we’ll naturally start to pick up the phone, call people, and take action
Resources & Links
Today, we referenced a previous episode – What is a Friend?, available on Alex’s website – that you should check out if you haven’t already!
Be sure to also visit Kristin’s website and check out her podcast.
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
23 Mar 2023
The Shift in Friendship During Our Mid to Late 20’s
00:42:37
When we were kids, proximity was the basis for our friendships.
As adults, we have more control over our friendships than ever before. We get to choose where we’re going, what we’re doing, where we’re living, who we’re calling. And I think sometimes we get overwhelmed with all the choices we have and forget that WE have the power here.
This episode is Part 1 of my conversation with today’s guest, Kristian, who reached out after finding Friendship IRL by typing “friendship” into Apple Podcasts. Kristian is in her 20’s, a phase in life in which we often find we can’t rely on proximity for our friendships anymore.
Our 20’s are full of so many changes – changes that will inevitably impact our friendships. But that’s not necessarily a bad thing. These changes also allow us to better understand who we are, what we enjoy, and what we WANT – not only out of life, but out of our friendships, too.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
How you can be lonely even while having “friends,” and the importance of letting go of being our “best selves” and embracing our messy, unique, true selves
Harmful societal messages around friendship: put your best foot forward; give a great first impression; the first seven seconds set the tone of your friendship forever
Making friends as an adult, which often involves deciding who we are; what makes us unique; ways we want to show up; and how we want others to show up for us
In our mid-20s, friendships often aren’t based on proximity anymore, so for a lot of people, it’s hard to know what friendship looks like during this stage of life
How our own personal growth and “tweaks” impact our friendships; for example, deciding to stop drinking might affect relationships with people we go to the bar with
The difference in being nice and kind, in friendships and in life
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
30 Mar 2023
Taking the Pressure Off Our Inevitable Friendship “Pivots”
00:46:22
A lot of us want direct beginnings and endings in friendship.
But the reality is, most of us are just riding a wave. We control our friendships less than we think we do, and life’s major transitions inevitably affect our relationships – sometimes causing these friendships to drift apart.
It’s important to remember these relationships – and how they existed during a period in our lives – will always be dear to us. Personally, I wish I could go back to when my friends lived 10 minutes away. But life changes, and dwelling on it doesn’t help me figure out the NOW.
This episode is Part 2 of my conversation with today’s guest, Kristian, who reached out to Friendship IRL after finding us on Apple Podcasts. Kristian is in her 20s, and today, we talk more about the relationship changes that happen during this age.
There is no exact answer on how to be a good friend as an adult. Your mid-20s represent a big transitional moment. But hopefully today’s discussion helps reframe how to approach these friendships – and takes some pressure off of them, too.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
Musings about why romantic relationships might affect more female friendships than male friendships
Getting together for “the deep stuff” vs. just getting together and doing things less emotionally intense – and why both are nice things to have in friendships
How, with every new life stage, there are new people you’re putting more energy into and people you’re pivoting away from – which, of course, can hurt sometimes
Drifting apart gradually vs. a big “friendship break-up,” and what to ask yourself when determining whether to put more energy into a friendship
Friends who primarily prioritize their partners, and why talking about and prioritizing friendships is counter-cultural in so many circles
How to use the business term MVP in looking at friendships
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
06 Apr 2023
How I’m Approaching My 5 Friendship Goals of 2023
00:36:12
The past few years, loneliness has become the new normal.
Yes, we want to learn how to self-soothe, to sit with ourselves, to be bored. What’s NOT good? Constantly wishing you had more connections. Society tells us that making friends is hard as an adult, but I believe we CAN impact this area of our life through small actions that build up over time.
So today, I’m going to tell you how I’m trying to figure out this problem in my own life through my 5 friendship goals for 2023 – plus the small actions I’m taking to get there. (Side note: listening to my episode about friendship goals might help in understanding today’s show.)
In this episode you’ll hear about:
How I’m mixing up my patterns and putting myself out there in the world, from having random conversations with people in coffee shops, to going to classes
Benefits of formal communities, including: never knowing who will walk through the door, common goals, learning and improving ourselves, and different perspectives
How I’m trying to make more business friends – specifically, entrepreneurs building online-based businesses – including partaking in more groups and saying YES
One way Michael and I have decided to use our money to further our goals of spending more time with friends who’ve since moved far away from us
How I’m reinvesting in my historic friendships, from connecting virtually to reinvigorating our old traditions through travel and check-ins
Getting creative and using your resources to create your own systems to invest in social wellness
Resources & Links
Visit my website to see the “Your People” framework, which can help to understand your friends, family and community.
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
13 Apr 2023
How the Marco Polo App Helped Create an Epic Friendship Group with Brenda Bloczynski
00:57:40
Today’s guest is life coach Brenda Bloczynski, who reached out to us to share about a friendship group she’s a part of with her church. It began as a “favorites” group that met via Marco Polo – a video messaging mobile app – right at the pandemic’s start. They shared favorite kitchen gadgets, make-up lines, hacks, etc.
Over time, it grew to become so much more. After lockdown, the women began meeting for regular dinners, breakfast clubs, and girls’ weekends. When one member was diagnosed with cancer, the rest gathered behind to support her.
Digital connection is “at our fingertips” all the time, but Brenda’s story shows us that what’s important is how we USE these tools. Hers is a beautiful example of how something so simple can grow into a flourishing, supportive community.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
Brenda’s story of how the Marco Polo group started and grew into what it is today – and how much of its success derives from being PRESENT with other people
How people are often scared of big groups – but if you feel the magic of a group, you often want to bring others in so they can feel it too
There is no “equal exchange” in friendship – and why instead, we should think about nourishing our friends using our natural gifts
How, as adults, society really champions the “catch-up” friends – but here, Brenda found a group of women to DO LIFE with as it happens, day by day.
Group vacations, which are often most successful when you can break up and come back together at various points
How Brenda’s friend group rallied around one of the members who was diagnosed with cancer
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
20 Apr 2023
The Real Pain of Friendship Break-Ups with Patrice Poltzer
00:59:34
The pain from friendship break-ups is real.
Society doesn’t give them the same weight as romantic break-ups, but sometimes they can leave you even more broken. When I had my own friendship break-up, I cried myself to sleep multiple nights a week for almost a year.
Today’s guest is Patrice Poltzer, whose friendship break-up was with a high school friend who she remained close with until the birth of her first child. She describes their parting as one of the greatest tragedies and mysteries of her life.
Patrice and I are not alone in feeling this way. The friendship break-up is one of this show’s most requested topics. We need to normalize the fact that not all friendships last forever. They have highs, lows, and some end very painfully. But, as Patrice says, maybe this is okay - it allows us more room to expand our hearts and let other people in.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
The story of Patrice’s friendship break-up and the repercussions it had on her life for years afterward
How sometimes with deep friendship break-ups, you can’t move to being surface-level friends
“Best friends” in pop culture vs. real life, and how, as adults, the term “best friend” is too all-encompassing
Part of what makes some friendship break-ups so hard is that these friends knew us during important moments in our lives – potentially when nobody else knew us
How even after a friendship break-up, the history is always there; it’s like walking into a room you’ve been in before and being flooded with memories
The need to normalize that friendships have highs and lows, and not all friendships are meant to last forever
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
27 Apr 2023
The Tricky Balance of Friendships as an Expat
00:55:57
When some of your closest people move across the world, there are so many things to learn - whether it’s a new appreciation for the beauty that can come out of people you love moving far away, or even getting to witness the new communities they built.
Travel blogger Amber Haggerty is here to talk about the balance of building intentional expat friendships and making a new community of friends after you move. It's actually a pretty wild story - Amber was on vacation when lockdown happened and decided to make a permanent move to Ireland, where she’s now been living for the past two and a half years.
Today’s conversation is filled with so many honest moments and I hope it helps you approach long-distance relationships with your friends in a whole new way, with a little more intention and thought.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
The constant pull of navigating your relationships back home, vs. the new people you’re meeting when you move away (and why Amber works under the assumption that she’ll be in Ireland “for the foreseeable future”)
Amber shares how she sets boundaries with out-of-town guests who want to visit her, while offloading some of the emotional and non-emotional labor of hosting to avoid resentment
Approaching travel itineraries with curiosity - sometimes it’s not as straightforward or easy to get from one European country to another! Consider asking yourself, “is there a version of this that would be fun?”
How to create enjoyable “workcations” with friends to maximize quality time together. Plus, how to be a great guest.
The sometimes complicated dynamics of making “couple friends” and what to do if you prefer to invest more into one person within the couple.
How Amber curated an “intentional friend group” on Bumble that she can invest into outside of her relationship.
Resources & Links
Check out Amber’s travel blog, Amber Everywhere (especially if you’re planning a trip to Ireland), and follow her on Instagram at @amber.everywhere.
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
04 May 2023
What is Loneliness?
00:37:30
What is loneliness? It’s a feeling a lot of people are having nowadays. And if we can get to the heart of this question, we can come up with some strategies to minimize it for ourselves.
Cigna conducted a study in 2022 and revealed that 58% (!) of people say they always or sometimes feel like people don’t know them well.
So today I want to talk about loneliness. I want to talk about its definition, the 3 types that researchers have found, and why I think having an understanding of the concept of loneliness can help us combat it.
Loneliness does not have to be an elusive mystery. There are things we can do to redirect our energy and slowly chip away at this feeling so we can all feel a little less lonely.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
The definition of loneliness, and how it differs from social isolation. Isolation is a risk factor for loneliness, but it is not loneliness
3 dimensions of loneliness: intimate or emotional loneliness, relational or social loneliness, and collective loneliness
Why some of our loneliness can be blamed on our expectations that come from societal messages, pop culture, mass media, social media, or even expectations we’re holding on to about a certain friendship
How to recalibrate our expectations by ignoring the the shiny, unrealistic highlight reels of someone else’s life in favor of celebrating the quiet moments we have with friends that may not be that interesting from the outside looking in
The incredible value of pouring into our “weak ties” and building a broader support system, rather than focusing on one or two relationships
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
11 May 2023
Creating Space to Just Exist: The One About Adult Slumber Parties
01:01:37
Can you imagine what it would be like to find “unicorn friends”? The kind you can have adult slumber parties with and just “exist” and do life with, unapologetically?
You’re about to hear an incredibly inspiring story of friendship between two families. Dr. Erika Michalski is an aggressive optimist, fierce authenticity advocate, and the founder of Strategically Authentic, a consulting company dedicated to helping individuals and teams leverage who they are to get where they want to be. Did I mention she’s also passionate about data, documentaries, dance parties, and dessert?
If things are feeling hard and limiting in your friendships, maybe the answer is to think outside of societal norms. To smash the box, and instead, build what feels right to you. I'm so excited for the conversations that are going to come out of listening to this one.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
The challenges of building relationships where we’re constantly in a state of apology. The secret to authenticity is just existing as ourselves - not apologizing for our house being a mess!
Flipping friendship questions back on yourself: Do you even want this friendship? What do YOU bring? What are you looking for? You have to serve yourself.
The moment where Erika and her family formed a near “instant” friendship with another couple and their children (plus, how their story roots were created)
What it means to have “unicorn friends” and how Erika’s most sacred memories in her friendship are tied to having adult slumber parties
How to make your friends feel deeply valued and be able to enjoy the endless “do nothing” space that exists after you get past the barriers of catching up
Resources & Links
Connect with Dr. Erika Michalski on her website or follow her on Instagram at @consultantbarbie.
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
18 May 2023
Friendship as Comfort and Making Meaningful Connections
00:52:14
Are you blocking yourself from making beautiful connections?
My favorite thing is meeting people I never would have met otherwise and today’s guest, Manpreet Singh is one of them. He wears multiple hats as a father, son, husband, and friend to many beautiful souls. His definition of friendship? Comfort.
This is one of those conversations where I really was IN it. Manpreet and I talk about breaking the ice when making new friends, the magic of “third places”, and what friendship means to both of us. There is so much to glean from this episode. I was expanding my own thoughts about friendship, people's experiences, and am now thinking about it so much differently.
Friendship IS possible for all of us and building new connections and embracing the discomfort along the way is one of the most powerful skill sets we can have.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
The beauty of meeting new people for the first time. It can be uncomfortable at first to break the ice, but there’s a secret to minimizing the awkwardness.
Why friendship is all about unsaid “comfort” - it’s about being yourself, letting your guard down, and spending time together without needing to prove yourself.
The all-too-common trend of blocking potentially incredible connections. It’s simply not true that your best connections are made in your first two decades of life.
Why it’s better to loosen our expectations of friendship, co-create together, and just allow our friends to be there for us, even if we lose touch for years at a time.
The scarcity mindset society has around friendship that is making us feel lonely.
Bonding with friends when we’re going through our lowest points in life: divorce, heartbreak, financial turmoil. We can choose to stay open and vulnerable.
The lack of “third places” that exist in today’s society and why that makes it even harder to form new friendships.
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
25 May 2023
Living on a Boat: Friendship in the Cruising Community
00:57:58
As much as I love having the hard conversations and talking about the big life moments, sometimes it's just as fun to talk about how community and friendship are really working.
Vickie Leuenberger traded cold Canadian winters to live full-time on a boat cruising the Caribbean Sea and its surrounding islands. She fuels her adventurous lifestyle through 4 different streams of income.
Her stories of unexpected generosity and kindness from complete strangers, especially in moments of adversity, will give you the chills. She also shares so many practical and actionable tips for anyone who is curious about this alternative lifestyle.
My biggest takeaway is that the cruising community is so much richer and more beautiful than I could have anticipated, and I think it’s safe to say that many of us are craving the types of experiences Vickie talks about in this episode.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
“Cruising culture”, what surprised Vickie the most about living on a sailboat, and how she stayed mentally prepared for the adventure
The fast and furious nature of building community - including the unexpected generosity of other cruisers when Vickie’s motor died on her boat
How the cruising lifestyle changed Vickie’s perspective about family and relationships (it’s actually common for some cruisers to have children who live on land after experiencing sailing for many years!)
The beauty of the Caribbean’s relationship-centric approach to life - rather than focusing on consumerism, it’s all about who you are connected to
How Vickie now helps set the tone of cruising culture with new cruisers by leading the way and showing them the ropes
Why curiosity is the #1 skill you need to have to be successful living on water (curiosity solves most problems!)
Vickie’s favorite tips for anyone considering this lifestyle, including getting formal training, avoiding cheap equipment and electricity, joining Facebook groups, and yes, even getting couples therapy first, if you’re sailing with a partner
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
01 Jun 2023
All About Men's Friendships
01:23:39
The more I think about men's friendships, the more fired up I get. If I could paint an analogy for you, men’s friendships feel like a big ball of yarn with thousands of strings that we have to untangle.
There are a lot of narrowly defined stories about how a man should “be” in today’s society - they should be powerful, they should provide and be self-sufficient, and they should be in control. But just because society was built for men, by men, does not mean these systems are working for the modern man.
Studies show that men have nearly the same amount of friends as women, but their fear of vulnerability and authenticity prevents them from creating genuine, meaningful connections.
So let’s dig in and talk about the three systems of power that are keeping men in these very narrow boxes. And stay tuned as Part 2 comes out next week to explore more ideas around this topic.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
Being a man can be lonely. Between suicide rates, mental health, drops in admission and graduation for higher education, and higher earnings, what does all this mean to “be a man”?
Why we’re in a weird, limbo place with redefining the definition of masculinity. Men are “allowed” to be more vulnerable, but the boundaries are so unclear.
A breakdown of the 3 systems of power that are keeping men in a box, including capitalism and white supremacy.
The many issues that are affecting men’s friendships with women - women can be so much more than just romantic and sexual partners.
Why men struggle to make meaningful connections in their community, especially with the loss of “third spaces” and circumstantial situations, like going through a divorce or navigating a new life as a widower.
Men’s friendships feel like a big ball of yarn with thousands of strings that we have to untangle. In Part 2 of today’s episode, we’re delving into the small actions we can start to take to bring men back into the fold into community and into connection.
Some of this work starts with having open conversations out loud. I’ll share some tangible questions you can talk about with the men in your life, plus we’ll dive into how men can begin to prioritize the logistics around the friendships in their lives, and even change the culture of their existing relationships by asking deeper questions.
No more comparing men’s friendships to women's friendships or romantic relationships.
I don’t think men can do this alone - we ALL have to be in this together! (And if you haven't already, go back and listen to Episode 31 for Part 1: All About Men's Friendships).
In this episode you’ll hear about:
What we need to start paying attention to - from moments where men are shutting down in conversations, to societal messages that say men’s friendships are “lesser than”
How my husband Michael has built a consistent connection point with his friends through a Fantasy Football league.
Why friendship should not be an afterthought for men. They shouldn't feel the need to complete every other thing in their life before they spend time with their friends.
The importance of discussing the meaning of social capital out loud and with the men in your life: How are you maintaining relationships? How much work is it? How are those relationships supporting your life? What vital roles are they playing?
How Michael and I handle prioritization around our time together vs. our friends. What do we do if we’re invited to a birthday party the same night as a scheduled date night? We’re not always each other’s “person” for everything in life.
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
15 Jun 2023
The New Version of Friendship - It’s Not “All or Nothing”
00:58:03
Today is one of those episodes where you get to sit on my big couch in my living room with me and Nkem Chukwumerije, having a late night conversation where we're trying to figure out life. And it's SO good.
Nkem (she/they) is a Nigerian-American writer, transformational program designer, artist, teacher, and energy cultivation practitioner. Her style of being in the world is intentional, (com)passionate, idealistic, pleasure-centered, and wisdom-centered. All of these attributes are woven throughout her art and projects, the programs she creates, and the way she works with her communities.
Nkem is at a place where she’s ready to redefine what friendship means in her own life. We explore interracial, intercultural, and interspiritual aspects, masculine and feminine dynamics, along with the healing power of community and why we need to normalize social wellness as a constant journey.
I can’t wait to hear your thoughts on this episode. Daydream, reflect, and let it give you the inspiration to think about how friendships are playing out in your life.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
Nkem shares her many experiences with friendships, including the intensity of having friends for just a season, and how moving around a lot has affected the types of friends she’s attracting
The balance between having a powerful community around you to support you, and also having the power to show up for yourself and validate yourself without having to outsource your burdens
What it was like for Nkem to grow up as an American, understanding her Nigerian roots and building “protected spaces” rather than following the mainstream ideals of “the American Dream”
The ripple effect we can create within “friend group cultures” and how to navigate, accept, and grieve our friends’ life transitions
Normalizing social wellness as a “constant journey” - some friends are not meant to be in our lives forever. Plus, how the feminine and the masculine dynamic can apply
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
22 Jun 2023
The Complexities of Introverted Friendships
01:04:52
How does friendship affect introverts?
This is a topic I’ve been wanting to bring to the podcast for a long time, and since I’m an extrovert who is constantly energized by having people around me, I’m bringing in Becky Mollenkamp, a self-proclaimed “hardcore introvert” who likes to be alone a lot of the time.
Becky and I drop into the real, raw behind the scenes of how being an introvert has affected her friendships and how she’s created the experiences she desires. We also cover how to balance introverted and extroverted friendships, how to protect your friends’ time and boundaries, and why we often mix up what it truly means to be an introvert.
If you’ve ever told yourself “I'm a bad friend,” or “I am just not good at this,” or “I'm never going to make new friends,” those thoughts are VALID, and a lot of people are experiencing something similar.
I hope this conversation makes you feel a lot less alone. So much energy is spent comparing what we “think” friendship should look like, when in reality, we should take that energy and think about how to build relationships that feel good for us.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
The limiting beliefs Becky has held on to about friendship, and why it’s sometimes easier for her to forgo investing time and energy into friendships in favor of being alone
Becky recaps her experiences with friendship through childhood and beyond college. Most of her friends were only there for a season since she moved around so much
Attachment styles, and how your given attachment style can affect how you form close relationships (and potentially sabotage them)
“The Liking Gap” and why most people actually underestimate how much another person likes them
Most of what we see in society is an extroverted vision of friendship. We talk about what it looks like to have a friendship amongst introverts, or where one person in the friendship is an introvert
Spending time together will look differently for introverts than it will for extroverts. As such, some friends will spend more time together as they have similar energies, but there are ways to make introverted friendships even more fulfilling
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
29 Jun 2023
How To Show Up for the People In Your Lives Who Are Grieving
01:10:33
If the title didn't already tell you, we're talking about grief and loss today.
Suzanne Jabour is a transformational coach, certified Grief Educator, and grieving mom who has found meaning in her loss through opening up conversations about grief, including how we can support people experiencing it and how to help grievers to chart their unique “grief path.”
Suzanne and I really get to the heart of it in this conversation. We open up about how we are showing up for the people in our lives that are grieving, which can often feel uncomfortable. But the only way we're going to grow and change and show up better for the people that we love is by reflecting and choosing to consciously do things differently the next time. And luckily, this episode has so many tangible, real life examples.
And if you're looking for more examples of how to show up for someone in grief, contact Suzanne via the links below.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
The fear and shame cycles we can fall into when a friend is experiencing grief, and how it prevents curiosity and creative problem solving
How to support a grieving person in the early, initial stages of their grief (and how it can be most helpful to “show up messy” and offer your best skill set)
The beauty of picking out the smallest possible actions and actually doing them - for your grieving friend, it may be a one-way street, but a simple heart emoji or “thinking of you” text can mean the world
People need support for much longer than we think - don’t show up wholeheartedly in the beginning and then fizzle out. Think about how you can continue to support the griever even months later
How to deal with probing questions from well-intentioned friends and shift the energy in the room back to a safer ground
Grief is a constant in our lives, and we have to normalize it! Grief can sometimes be a small loss, other times it can feel like an earthquake. No matter how big or small the grief is, all of those losses need to be grieved
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
06 Jul 2023
How To Feel Very “Not Alone”
00:27:31
Today’s episode begins with a decision to book plane tickets to California over my birthday and stay with some friends who were going through a medical emergency. They needed an extra hand with day-to-day things: think cooking, laundry, and walking their dog.
Now, I’m not a big birthday person (never have been).
At a certain point in my life, I probably would have been thrilled to be alone on my birthday. Even though society says I should need “everyone” to text me and call me and throw me a big party and do all these things.
So why is it that I found myself alone at the beach in tears with such an overwhelming sense of gratitude?
Tune in to hear more of how this story unfolded, including why we need a “web” of people around us for support and assurance, and the magic of creating filters to decide where you're investing your energy.
Let today be the first day of your little, consistent, actions.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
Having solid support systems that can inspire us to take risks, believe in ourselves, get outside of our comfort zones, and bring our wildest dreams to life
My messy process of how I went from feeling so lonely in a room full of people to feeling supported, starting with a set of reflection questions you can ask yourself to get really intentional about your existing relationships
Turning the dial up on what’s working well in your current friendships. How can you lean in more and take it to the next level?
The importance of setting boundaries or even letting go of friendships that are no longer serving us - but not letting that energy detract from focusing on what we want to add to our life with friends
A simple task you can try to build intentional connection that involves just 5 minutes of space on your calendar each day (or 30 minutes once per week)
Having a “mental Rolodex” of hundreds or thousands of small moments. This alone will bring you the confidence to tell your friends when you need them. Having a support system is beautiful
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
13 Jul 2023
You Don’t Need to Understand People to Accept Them
00:52:11
TRIGGER WARNING: In this episode we talk about depression and suicide.
Building friendships and community is a skill that takes hard work to master.
For many people, such as myself and today’s guest, Noah, building these connections isn’t just for fun. It’s also about survival. Today, we talk about growing up in a household where you don’t feel seen or supported and then going off on your own – only to realize you’ve never developed the skillset to make friends and build community.
As humans, we’re not meant to go through this life alone, and nothing reminds us of that more than when we feel alone. Eventually, Noah did find his chosen family, which was critical to battling his depression while living in Florida, where there’s a lot of anti-LGBTQIA+ legislation.
So many people think they need to understand you to accept you, but the reality is, we’re never going to understand why and how each person in the world lives – and we don’t need to in order to accept them for who they are.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
Noah’s life after high school: studying drama in college and moving to Miami, where he fell into a deep depression
Fear of rejection in friendship – beginners have to get out there and build resilience and NOT view themselves as simply bad at making friends or unworthy
How, until you become an adult, you might not HAVE to make friends – your family chooses where you live, your community, and the precedent for what’s acceptable
Making friends with people with whom you don’t feel like yourself as a means of surviving this phase of life
The messages society tells us – if you’re low, get yourself out of it – and the alternative to create a community who can hold and love you when you’re in your low points
Resources & Links
There are only four states in the U.S. that don’t have active anti-LGBTQ legislation. Check out the ACLU website to see what bills are live in your state.
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
20 Jul 2023
Third Places: Bringing “Living Rooms” Back to Our Communities
00:45:00
Sometimes it's nice to just have a space to “exist” – to laugh and let go and feel light. I’ve mentioned third places in other episodes, and today, I dive deep into this concept – what they are, their decline, and ideas for bringing them back.
The “third place” was coined by sociologist Ray Oldenburg and refers to the place people spend their time after their “first place” (home) and their “second place” (work). They’re meant to be community hubs – places where people can exchange ideas, build relationships, and have a good time.
Here, I talk about the history of the third place and their decline in the past half century. So if you’re out there feeling like a bad friend for not calling people back or because you don’t know your neighbors, give yourself some grace – it’s a little more difficult than it once was.
I’m a total nerd about this topic, and this will be the first in many episodes talking about third places, from the laws and policy decisions that affect them, to how they might look in the future.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
What a third places is by Oldenburg’s definition and examples – libraries, parks, museums, social services, low-cost businesses
How third places cultivate a sense of belonging and trust – plus, the populations that especially benefit from them: teens, the elderly, and people with disabilities
The history of third places, from the 1800s through post World War II and the “American Dream” – plus, third place “replacements,” i.e., places where you pay to gain entry
How some modern day third places are more focused on self than the community (for example, getting in better shape, leaning into your hobby, etc.)
Ideas to bring third places back, from using a third place (going to the park, the library, or the neighborhood cafe) to following people who are talking about this
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
27 Jul 2023
Take Action: Reviving Third Places and Walkable Communities
01:15:54
In North America, there are laws in place that make it more difficult to connect.
Zoning and parking laws impact the amount of foot traffic in a town, which consequently affects the number and kinds of third places in a town. People often talk about how these laws impact things like home values or crime – but rarely do they touch on their social implications.
Joining me today is Nathan Allebach, a creative director, marketer, and lover of walkable communities. He has a wealth of knowledge on this topic, and of third places; at the end of this interview, I felt like I’d taken a college course on third places and walkable communities – even though I’d already read up on quite a lot of this.
Want to see more third places? Listening to this podcast is a step. Build awareness for yourself. Follow the organizations Nathan mentions. Talk to local businesses about it. Big changes start with awareness, followed by small changes.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
How so many people are having to choose between their financial goals and social wellness – and how third places can be a solution for that
Our own “third places” growing up – Walmart, Target, the mall, a car – and what millennials have done to try to create their own third places
Mixed-use zoning, which means shops existed where people lived, and the affect Post World War II America had on this
Building regulations that impact third places: single family zoning, setback requirements, minimum lot size/square footage requirements; parking requirements
The roles of race and class in third places, and the impact cars have had on them in history and today
Guerilla activism, and small things you can do to make an impact: plant street trees; advocate for public art, new benches, zoning and parking reforms; pay attention
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
03 Aug 2023
Strawberry Friends: Forming Supportive Friendships While Neurodivergent
00:59:10
“To love someone long-term is to attend a thousand funerals of the people they used to be.”
This quote by Heidi Priebe beautifully summarizes what I’m talking about in this episode – neurodiversity and nuances in friendships – with my guest Sadie, a self-connection coach and recovering people pleaser. It’s a subject I’ve been wanting to cover for ages.
Personally, I was diagnosed with ADHD two and a half years ago. Sadie was recently diagnosed with Autism. Today, we discuss it all: letting friendships go, building new ones, and building up new versions of existing friendships after learning you’re neurodiverse.
There are so many blanket statements about making and keeping friends. But if we dive into these nuances and subtleties in our friendships, this is what’s going to make it easier to keep them.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
Sadie’s experience learning that she’s neurodivergent later in life and how this impacted her friendships
How interactions that neurotypical people see as easy can often be quite draining for neurodivergent people
The “scripts” we give ourselves on how to act in certain situations – and how these scripts prevent us from being our most authentic, true selves in friendships
Managing differences in friendships (check out Episode 15 for more on this!) and how doing this makes it easier for neurodivergent people in friendships
Strawberry Friends – the people with whom you can be yourself around the most and don’t feel forced to spend time with
The relief we can feel after learning that we’re neurodivergent – and also the grief we can feel about past interactions and years of struggle
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
10 Aug 2023
The Liking Gap: What It Is, Why It’s Important, and How to Overcome It
00:35:32
Have you ever regretted a conversation with a stranger or acquaintance?
To be fair, reflecting on past interactions isn’t a bad thing. Maybe you said something that was slightly offensive. Maybe you said something not knowing a person’s full circumstances and worried you may have triggered them.
What you probably experienced was the Liking Gap. Research shows that people often underestimate how well they’re liked after interactions. More often than not, we are our own hardest critics. Today, we dig into the Liking Gap and discuss how to overcome it.
It might not feel that important having meaningful conversations with strangers or casual acquaintances, but it sets the foundation for other relationships and impacts our feelings of belonging, which is a basic human need for survival.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
The “Liking Gap” – how it’s measured and why it happens, from being too self-critical to feeling uncertain
Weak ties – the innate trust we sometimes feel in random strangers or acquaintances – and how this trust has deteriorated over the decades
How sometimes, we are so focused on wanting to be liked that we miss signals from the other person and are less present – plus, ways to overcome the Liking Gap
The studies that show people (introverts and extroverts!) feel happier and more connected when they have deep conversations with people they just met
Questions you can ask to start deeper conversations and techniques for more positive interactions with strangers
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
17 Aug 2023
Real Talk about Friend Trios
01:00:01
Ever been in a friendship trio? It can be complicated, right?
I get questions about friendship trios all the time, and today, we’re finally tackling this topic with my guest, Brandi Cambric. We cover maintaining a friendship for multiple decades, introducing your closest friends, and existing in a friendship trio. The good, the hard, and the reality!
If you’re out there looking for a friendship trio, today’s story is going to make you realize it’s not always easy. It’s definitely not equal. Everybody fits their roles. Everybody supports their individual friendships. Everybody puts in the work.
While recording, I had a big, stupid smile on my face. I love sharing these stories – the ups and downs, the journey of these friendships. This isn’t the only way to approach a friendship trio – it’s just an option. My hope is that you’ll take what feels right for you.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
Brandi’s real-life friendship trio between two friends – one she’s had for 32 years, the other for 20, and how she introduced them to each other
Friends who hold different parts of your life – it’s not a competition, and it won’t be equal, just different
The places where people often get in trouble with friendship trios, and how to maintain a strong triangle (hint: each side/relationship needs to be strong!)
The sides of the triangle, which won’t be equilateral – at times, it will be lopsided, some lines longer than others
The importance of refilling your “well” in friendships, and how Brandi refills hers by disconnecting
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
24 Aug 2023
Social Wellness in Millennials vs. Boomers, and How This Plays Out in Parental and In-Law Relationships
01:14:55
A year ago, I went on a walk with a friend who’s around the age of my parents. I shared how I wished my parents and in-laws found other people to talk to besides just me. Doing so would not only make them happier – it would take some pressure off, too!
At the end of the walk, my friend said she saw herself in my story. And I actually think a lot of people will see themselves in this story. Boomers and Gen X generations were told by society that focusing on careers and families would bring fulfillment.
The impact? So many of them don’t have a robust social wellness net. This is an important (and possibly divisive!) topic that we’re talking about today with Janelle, whose online platform tackles motherhood and that sometimes tricky relationship with the in-laws.
I hope this episode helps start a conversation about the impact our own social wellness can have on our parents, children, and in-laws – that way, we can put our attention there and work on it.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
Janelle’s platform, which contains content about motherhood and navigating in-law relationships – how it started, and how it’s going
Generational expectations and pressure, and how much of this comes from older generations not having strong social wellness situations or hobbies
The impact of social media on wellness – the good and the bad – for different generations, Gen Z to Boomers
The skill set required to take a friendship out of shared experiences, plus, the importance of modeling friendship for your kids
The easy ask – asking someone close to you for advice or help, even if they’re not the right person – and how this can weigh heavily on the people we love
The problem with the “family is family” perspective and creating NEW rules and boundaries
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
31 Aug 2023
How Making Friends Can Help You Make the Big Life Choices with Deasha Waddup
00:56:06
Making friends is one area in life where you just need to go out there and do it.
It might involve being a little uncomfortable. It takes time and practice to get used to navigating these situations – and no episode illustrates this better than this one.
Today’s guest, Deasha, has made and maintained friendships with people all over the world. She’s done it so many times, she trusts that when she goes out and does what she wants to do, she’s going to meet people while doing it. This confidence gives her the power to travel solo and make the big life choices.
I listened to today’s episode and was inspired to put myself out there a little bit more. I hope you feel the same way, and maybe decide to take a small action or two in your life – to be a little uncomfortable, and build this muscle that is making new connections.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
Deasha’s experiences meeting people online and turning them into real friends, and, her friendship advice
Being friends with somebody for only a season of life, and being okay with falling out – plus, putting yourself in spaces where you’ll meet the kind of people you want to meet
Consistency in friendship and how to remove the friendship “administrative” work by creating recurring gatherings
The power of spending more time thinking about what could go RIGHT vs. what could go wrong – and the skills you gain when things DO go wrong
How the skill of making friends can give you the confidence to make the big life choices, from big travels and big moves to trying new things
Resources & Links
Deasha is accredited by Facebook as a Lead Trainer and Community Manager. Connect with Deasha on her website or on Facebook.
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
07 Sep 2023
Friendship Demotions (and How To Build Even Better Friendships)
00:21:54
Recently, somebody asked me how to go about friendship demotions.
I think it’s super common to go through a season in friendships where things feel good – and then, something changes. We aren’t talking about these friendship shifts enough. But “demoting” a friend has a bad feeling to it. Instead, what if we talked about building a better version of friendship for right now?
That’s what today’s episode is about – reframing the idea of a friendship demotion and offering 3 "do-the-work" options.
It will likely take time for these changes to become normal, but I hope this episode provides insight into how you might create new, beautiful versions of your friendships that suit your lives right now.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
Friendship as a “plate” with things that keep getting added onto it – which often isn’t sustainable long-term
Getting more specific about what we expect from our friends and what they expect from us, and allowing for adjustments as time goes on
Questions to ask yourself, such as, what do you enjoy about this friendship? How do you feel most supported by it? What’s meaningful about it to you?
The myth of the no-sweat, no-conflict relationship, and asking yourself what work you’re willing to do
Focusing on feelings in the midst of friendship conflicts and brainstorming how you both can “win”
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
14 Sep 2023
The Myths of Mom Friends
01:01:15
The energy it takes to raise little ones is intense. Parents and caregivers NEED friends because this is not a job you should have to go about alone.
Today’s guest is Emily Siegel. She is a friendship coach, mentor, podcast host of The Connected Mom Life, and a working mom of two little boys. In this episode, we cover the realities of mom friendship.
We discuss how to make building and maintaining friendships easier during this hectic stage of life, and Emily shares great advice for what has worked for her. If you’re a parent, try out some of her tips! As she says in this episode, life feels so much lighter with people by your side.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
Being forward about wanting and desiring friends – and how sometimes people, especially parents, are grateful for forwardness
Building the friendship muscle – the more you invest in a new relationship, over time, it will feel less like work
Friendship between friends with kids and friends without kids, and friendship between people who are in different seasons of life
Emily’s “moms’ night out” weekly open door which has no barriers for entry (sweatpants, no planning to be done, no RSVP required)
Three things Emily tells moms who are trying to make new friends – plus, using phones and social media to actually ACCELERATE friendships
Lowering the bar for what friendship means and finding new ways to be friends while going through life’s transitions
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
21 Sep 2023
Getting Comfortable with Being Uncomfortable: Life Changes in Friendships
00:59:59
Picture this. You’ve been friends with somebody for 40 years. You’ve always lived close by.
Then, one of you moves across the world. Suddenly you have to Zoom to stay in touch – but talking online with somebody you’re used to sitting on a couch with feels uncomfortable. You might think there’s something wrong with your friendship. The reality? This is just a new way of connecting.
Today’s guest, Ivana Ivanek, an online business coach and podcast host of Fabulous by Design, and I talk about the evolving ways we connect and spend time with our friends. She shares vulnerably about how her move abroad to follow her dreams impacted her friendships.
It has me thinking about my own friendships that feel sticky, and I think a lot of people will identify with her same frustrations. Why is it so hard to connect with this friend I’m so close to? How can we change our ways of connecting? How can we lean into this discomfort to make it work?
In this episode you’ll hear about:
Ivana’s move from Austria to experience her dream and live by the sea – and the struggles she found maintaining long-distance friends with the time zone differences
The “online isn’t real” myth, and how to build fulfilling online connections by being ACTIVE and intentional about your interactions
Getting out of our comfort zones to maintain friendships and the feeling of not staying true to old friends by making new connections
How highly-sensitive people might actually find connecting with people online less draining than in person
Why it’s so easy to have all-consuming friendships as kids – and why it doesn’t always work that way as adults
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
28 Sep 2023
Actionable Ways to Build the Connections You Need In Your Community
00:58:31
Moving somewhere new? Here’s some advice from today’s guest: Get stuff on your walls.
Michele Reichman is a personal trainer, health coach, mom, and, most pertinent to today’s conversation, a military spouse. Often, her family doesn’t know how long they’ll be in a place, so when they get there, they waste no time turning it into their home.
Creating community is her way of doing that, and today, we discuss actionable ways she does this, from joining local groups to using social media as a tool.
Because for Michele, it’s not even that community and friendship are NICE to have – it’s a necessity for her and her family.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
How sometimes it can feel awkward asking somebody to do something with you – and how to get over that awkwardness
The Liking Gap (which you can learn about in Episode 41) about how we assume people find interactions with us less enjoyable than they actually do
Modeling friendship for the next generation, and the tips Michele gave her daughter about inviting a friend to hang out
Getting stuff up on the wall – i.e., taking action on things fast, from saying that first “hello” at a party to joining local groups/events/meet-ups, especially after a move
How Michele found people in her new home with similar interests/ideals, from hosting a boot camp and joining a church to using the “search” tab on social media
The different kinds of relationships you can form with people in a new community – for example, Michele’s old neighbors were like second grandparents to her kids
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
05 Oct 2023
A Survival Guide for Navigating Small Talk
00:31:31
If you’re getting out there and meeting new people, there’s no getting around the fact that you’re going to have to do some small talk.
I don’t think I’ve met a single person who’s told me they truly enjoy small talk. Many go to extreme lengths to avoid it. One reason people despise it? It’s Ground Zero. Our brains are wired for familiarity and certainty. Small talk is neither.
But as with most things, the more you do it, the better you get at it. I dread small talk, and I’m an extrovert – but over time, I’ve built that muscle and developed a few tricks I hope you find useful.
So that’s what today’s episode is all about. Small talk: what it is, why it’s necessary, and how to get through it fast, effectively and curiously so that you can get to those deeper and, frankly, more interesting conversations.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
Small talk – what it is, who it’s with, what it’s about, and why it often feels uncomfortable
Looking at small talk in relation to working out (it’s a warm-up) or a long run (it takes a few miles before getting to the runner’s high/deeper conversations)
Ways to make small talk feel less awkward – for example, just being honest and acknowledging the awkwardness!
Questions to ask yourself before going into a gathering that will involve small talk such as, why am I here? What will make this gathering a success for me?
Finding common threads, ripping the band-aid off, and using low-priority topics as building blocks for high-priority ones
Setting yourself up for success in small talk (and setting other people up for success, too) – plus, how to get OUT of small talk
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
12 Oct 2023
Confession: I’ve Never Had a Best Friend, with Terri Huggins Hart
00:50:21
Today’s episode is with Terri Huggins Hart, an award-winning journalist who has written for Parents, Good Housekeeping, and other major publications all over the country.
If you’ve been listening to this podcast, then you probably know I don’t like the term “best friend.” It’s too all-encompassing, and it’s too much pressure for one relationship.
Here, Terri and I talk about rewiring how we think of our closest relationships, the lack of language for friendship, and how the most important thing is creating connections that feel good to us – regardless of how society says they’re supposed to look.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
The lack of language for friendships and the space between “best friend, “friend” and “acquaintance”
Thinking about friendships in terms of how we think about physical care – there is no “one-size-fits-all” – you don’t want your dentist tending to your gynecological needs
The wellness culture and the narrow definition of what makes somebody “well” or “fit” or “healthy,” and how it often leaves out marginalized or neurodivergent populations
Things that are often simpler than they seem – and how it’s often us who make them more complicated than they need to be
Why many people don’t want to talk about best friends – both because they feel ashamed and because they don’t want their own friends to feel slighted
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
19 Oct 2023
Behind the Scenes: A Friendship that Spans Decades with Elise Enriquez
00:53:21
What does it take for a friendship to be a constant in your life for two decades?
That’s what we’re talking about with today’s guest, Elise Enriquez, a productivity coach who gives us a behind-the-scenes look at her friendship with Andrea, which she says is one of the most meaningful relationships in her life.
Elise tells us about how she and Andrea became friends, how they built the friendship, how they stayed connected through life’s big transitions, and how they fill the time between the “bright light” moments of their friendship.
They provide so many tangible examples of how they keep in touch. A lot of the time, that’s where the magic is – in the small, simple ways we show up for each other, those mundane details that can make the biggest impact.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
Elise and Andrea’s friendship: how they met, how they became close, and how they navigated through some major life changes, from divorces and kids to new marriages
Allowing ourselves to be vulnerable in friendships, which gives other people an opportunity to really see us
“Doing life” with our friends – debriefing in real time or spending time with them – instead of spending our time together doing catch-up
Bright light moments in friendship, the darkness between them, and the everyday touchpoints that can fill that darkness
Creating more “roots” or strands in your friendship that make it easier to keep connections active, from a regular activity or shared interest
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
26 Oct 2023
Why Simple Neighborhood Gatherings Are Important (and How to Pull One Off) with Erin Woodruff
00:58:18
Last March, Erin Woodruff was walking through her neighborhood with her two-year-old daughter. It had been a long winter and it felt like spring would never come.
During the walk, Erin began wondering about her neighbors. Many were also moms of young children. Were they also depressed and tired of the cold weather? She wished she knew them better. So, she created a means to do so.
The next week, she hosted a “Favorite Things” party, a low-barrier gathering that had big effects. So much of the language regarding new friendships is about “joining” or “finding,” but here, Erin created her opportunity to get to know her neighbors better.
I was an event-planner for more than a decade, and I love helping people figure out how to pull off impactful, meaningful gatherings. In this episode, Erin and I talk in-depth about not only how to pull off an intentional neighborhood gathering, but why they’re so important.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
Erin’s work as a communications coach and her resolution to make more friends that live close to her after a mid-pandemic move
The Favorite Things party – the inspiration, the details, how she prepared for it, the intentions behind it, and why the format works well with new acquaintances
How and why you sometimes want to keep things simple at gatherings – plus, how throwing a gathering like this creates more connection opportunities for the future
Decision fatigue and the mantra Erin learned from her mother about focusing not on who didn’t come, but instead, at who did
Creating intentional gatherings – thinking about what your goal is in a gathering and creating an environment in which you can reach that goal
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
02 Nov 2023
Why I Need You To Care About Friendship
00:26:43
This week, the Friendship IRL podcast turns a year old. One whole year!
I launched this podcast knowing this was an important topic, but the more work I do, the more I think it’s such a fundamental thing we don’t talk enough about. People have told me this podcast makes them feel seen, which makes me so happy.
But here’s the thing: I cannot do this alone. The only way we make an impact is by people listening, reflecting, and by then making small changes in their own lives. Then, we create a ripple effect, making the social fabric out there a little tighter.
Today I’m talking about why I need you to care about friendship. For me, friendship is foundational, since I didn’t have a strong support system growing up. Here, I go a little deeper into my story.
If this is your first time listening to the podcast, or if you’ve been here for the very beginning: thank you. I’m really excited to dive in on year two.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
A year with Friendship IRL: we’ve covered loneliness, different types of friendships, societal problems that friendship/connection impacts, lived experiences and more
My story, growing up in an unpredictable household with substance abuse present – and why friendship isn’t just “nice to have,” but foundational for so many
How I relied on my friends, friends’ parents, coaches, neighbors, and people around me to learn how to get out of this and not be in survival mode anymore
How I got creative when I couldn’t find that “all consuming” support system and built a broader support system for myself on instinct made up mostly of friends
Reasons to care about friendship: for the people who are rock bottom, but also for the people who need support in more simple ways
The phrase “I’m fine, it’s fine, everything’s fine,” and the relief you can feel when you finally get the thing you need
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
09 Nov 2023
Navigating Friendships with ADHD with Charlotte Dover
01:07:04
A few years ago, I was diagnosed with ADHD. I didn’t know it at the time, but ADHD was affecting so many areas of my life, including my friendships.
Navigating friendships with a neurodiverse brain is tricky. I talked about it in Episode 40, and here we delve into the topic again with today’s guest, Charlotte Dover, an ADHD life coach who supports late-diagnosed and self-diagnosed ADHD women.
Charlotte herself was diagnosed with ADHD at age 36 and has spent the past two and a half years learning about it from a personal perspective.
Listening back to this episode makes me emotional, but I think there’s power in putting this stuff out there. Hopefully today’s episode will create more understanding for the neurotypical people out there and help the neurodivergent listeners feel less alone.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
Charlotte’s work with women who have ADHD and her personal journey of learning about her own diagnosis later in life
The traits and tendencies that can make friendship for people with ADHD very difficult and how Charlotte and Alex combat some of these obstacles
Common thought patterns (and thought spirals) for people with ADHD and Rejection Sensitive Dyasphoria
“Regulating” ourselves for our neurotypical friends – which might sometimes feel necessary but can also be hard work that keeps us from important experiences
Loneliness – the definition of it and the importance of rethinking what we actually want out of our friendships (which might not always be a big birthday party!)
How a new neurodivergent diagnosis can be like bringing a new person into the equation
Resources & Links
Charlotte Dover is an ADHD coach – follow her on Instagram, reach out to her via her website, and listen to her podcast, This Beautiful Chaos.
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
16 Nov 2023
You Are More Than Grand: Social Wellness for Grandparents with DeeDee Moore
00:57:49
When DeeDee Moore became a grandparent, she had a hard time finding resources that would help her with the transition.
So, she created one: More than Grand – which has online and downloadable content – covers topics that matter to parents and grandparents, from finding meaningful ways to connect to the latest trends in childcare.
DeeDee joins us today as we talk about the importance of diversity in grandparent relationships. What kinds of support do we need in this season of life? Who is the best person for that? Sometimes it’s children or grandchildren – but sometimes it’s not!
So often people think the answer to better social wellness is to whittle down connections. I think the opposite is true; the more we cut connections, the more pressure there is on the select few to fulfill ALL our social needs. We are unique, dynamic people that deserve to have social connection in a variety of ways.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
More Than Grand, which focuses on helping parents and grandparents communicate better with each other and transition new grandparents into their new role
What is being a grandparent? What have we been told by society that grandparenting entails, and how are some of those messages harmful?
How the hyper-focus of being a grandparent can put a lot of pressure on children and grandchildren to fulfill ALL social wellness needs
The lack of control we have regarding whether or not we become grandparents – and other ways to get the “grandparent” experience
Navigating the grandparent/adult child relationship, which changes when grandchildren arrive, and the importance of sharing expectations with each other
Mixing family and friends at gatherings and the importance of being open to letting go of old traditions and embracing new ones
See the relationship framework about the types of friends and the roots of connection in your life that I mention in this episode. For even more on this topic, check out Episode 12 of this podcast.
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
23 Nov 2023
The Power of Deep Conversations: What Chris Burnett Learned While Interviewing 70 of His Friends and Family
00:59:22
The holidays are here, which means many of us will be spending time with family and friends over the next couple months. It’s the perfect time to talk about deep conversations with people we care about.
Today’s episode features Chris Burnett, who, in 2020, started a personal project to reconnect with people in his life. It started with weekly calls to catch up. Then, he began asking if he could interview them about their lives.
To date, Chris has recorded more than 70 conversations. After seeing the impact this project had on himself and his people, he decided to share the idea with a broader audience. His book, Conversations: Connecting with People in Our Lives, was released in November.
When Chris reached out to join us on Friendship IRL, I couldn’t say yes fast enough. Having these deep conversations with people we care about is so important. It strengthens our relationships and allows us a better perspective of our people and ourselves.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
Chris’s project: how it began (catching up with one person a week) and how that grew into him reaching out for recorded interviews, and then, a book
Interview format – the wording Chris used during his initial contact, and how he structures the phone conversations
How these deep conversations can help the person “interviewed” feel special, and how the interviews rekindled lots of relationships for Chris
My personal story about sitting with friends and talking about why we admire each other, and the impact this had on us
How the experience helped Chris learn about his friends and family and reflect on his own life and childhood
Resources & Links
A reminder – I have a two-part episode about men’s friendships, Episode 31 and 32.
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
30 Nov 2023
Opening Lines and the Magic of a Pizza Gathering with Leah Wiseman Fink
00:57:40
Opening lines aren’t just for dating – they come in handy when you’re looking for new friends, too.
Today’s guest, Leah Wiseman Fink, says she likes to use this line: Do you want to come over for pizza? Yes, it helps that Leah is also the co-owner of a Brooklyn-based pizza chain, but it’s a great opening line anyone can use.
Leah is a life coach, business coach, and mom of two kids. She grew up in a big Jewish family in the midwest, where everybody was together all the time. When she moved to New York 20 years ago, she found herself creating something very similar for her and her family.
Community building is a skill – but once you learn it, it stays with you forever. Leah’s advice? Just start. Give out your number. Ride the waves.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
Leah’s background growing up in a big family where aunts, uncles, and cousins lived closeby, and the “show-up-as-you-are” kind of gatherings they had
How becoming a parent acted as a catalyst for Leah to create community in Brooklyn, and the recurring, casual gatherings she partakes in
Good opening lines and tried-and-true activities for making parent friends; for example: do you want to come over for pizza? Can I give you some hand-me-downs?
Using the internet (social media in particular) as a method to make friends, and how to fit friend time into busy schedules, from working out together to family sleepovers
The different ways you can show up for people, from sending food to spending time together – and how specificity can add an extra touch
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
07 Dec 2023
You’re Not Doing It Wrong: Why Friendship Looks Different for Everyone
01:05:44
In this episode, we return to one of Friendship IRL’s most quintessential questions: what ISa friend anyway?
Today’s guest is Jeni Holla, who, two and a half years ago, left her conventional job to hit the road with her husband and pups and live the nomad life. They thought this adventure would last six or twelve months but liked it so much they’re still living this lifestyle.
Having a social life on the road is challenging. Jeni doesn’t have many close friends, unlike her husband, who has been close to the same people for decades. When she reached out to Friendship IRL, she said she sometimes felt she wasn’t doing friendship “right.”
The question of what friendship looks like is one I get asked a lot. If you’re like Jeni and her husband, who move frequently, the question is even more pressing. There is no one answer – what works for you might not always be what works for other people, and that’s okay.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
The activities or “plugs” we associate with certain people – and how, often, if you just go do the thing you want to do, you’ll meet other people doing that thing
Connecting to people in a small town vs. a big city and how Jeni “follows the breadcrumbs” in new towns, often meeting people in third places
The “ride-or-die” friends, which are difficult to maintain when we get older due to people moving to new places or transitioning to new lifestyles
The power in knowing what you want out of friendship, which allows you to create a filter and meet people with intention
The patience required for deep connections, and how there are always more layers you can develop
Resources & Links:
In this episode, I refer to Episode 3, “What is a Friend?”; Episode 12, “Digging Into the 3 Kinds of Friendship Roots”; Episode 38, “Third Places,” and Episode 39, “Take Action.
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
14 Dec 2023
Book Clubs, Bookish Flights, and the People We Read With featuring Kara Infante
00:46:03
Books are like people – they come into our lives when we most need them.
Today’s guest, Kara Infante, host of the Bookish Flights podcast, shares this quote by Emma Thompson at the end of every podcast episode.
Community and books are important to Kara, and as a military spouse who moves frequently with her family, she’s learned that, for her, the easiest way to make connections in a new place is through book clubs, both by joining them and creating them.
Talking about books might not involve the biggest, deepest shares, but allows people to see a bit of who you are. The idea seems deceptively simple, but it’s actually genius. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: specificity is a great way to make connections.
You can apply Kara’s tips and ideas to any interest you might have. If you’re looking to reconnect or deepen some friendships, spend a few minutes thinking about the shared interests you have. It might be a really easy way to open the door to more conversation.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
All about Kara’s podcast, Bookish Flights, which, in each episode, introduces three books that pair well together
How Kara meets new people by joining or creating book clubs, and why this works so well (recurring schedule, shared passions, easy reason to reach out, etc.)
Using Kara’s techniques for finding people during other big life changes (new jobs, new life circumstances, etc.)
Creating a community you can take with you so that you don’t have to start over every time you move
How to find a book club or create a book club using Kara’s format, plus, how to stay close to friends through the Sisterhood of the Traveling Books
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
11 Jan 2024
Friendship Goals: Why They’re Important and How to Make Them
00:36:44
Today’s episode is about friendship goals. Why set them? What do they look like?
So many people are taking one action after another when it comes to friendship without much thought as to why. They’re repeating old patterns and doing what they “think” they should do instead of focusing on their ideal vision of social wellness.
I say “ideal vision” with a grain of salt. Likely, this vision is a moving target, changing as you change. Here, we talk about the steps to take and offer tips and examples that might help you make these goals for 2024.
Like with anything, making and executing friendship goals will take a LOT of brain power in the beginning, but I hope you push through that uncomfortable phase and get to the place where you’re just fine tuning. In this episode you’ll hear about:
The steps to making friendship goals, from setting aside time to reflect to stepping back and looking at the big picture
Categories to think about when making the goals, like: How much time do you have? What are your habits? What types of people do you want to meet?
Assessing friendship problems you’re currently having, like: Are there places where you’re guilting or shaming yourself? What areas are you overwhelmed in?
Six tips for making great friendship intentions; for example: Lean into interests! Create consistency! Use technology!
Twenty examples of different friendship goals you could make; for example: Commit to connecting to one friend a month! Set admin friend time on your calendar!
Being open to meeting new people and new versions of friends you already have – put your phone down, make small talk, be open, etc.
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
18 Jan 2024
The Layers of Talking About Money With Friends With Financial Coach Sarah Roller
01:14:45
My friends and I talk about money all the time.
It’s a great way to crowdsource information from people in the same season of life. I also think it helps us be more open with one another.
But money can be a taboo topic and difficult to navigate with friends. To help us through these sometimes tricky conversations, we have Sarah Roller, a financial coach who helps clients create personalized money management plans. In this episode, we cover the different levels in which you can talk about money. When is it valuable to talk numbers, and what are easy gateways into these conversations?
Remember: the way you or I manage money isn’t right or wrong. It can be different but right for each of us in the current moment. How can we approach these conversations with respect and curiosity?
In this episode you’ll hear about:
Reasons to talk with friends about money, from gathering ideas on how to manage your own finances to understanding how friends will want to spend time together
The different levels of money conversations you can have with friends and non-threatening ways to start these conversations
Sharing financial goals with friends, which can alleviate discomfort when deciding how you want to spend time together and understand each other’s thought processes
Approaching these topics with curiosity and respect, and knowing that everyone has different feelings about the actual numbers
Asking yourself: WHY are you asking? What will you both get out of it? And when is it actually useful to share numbers and details?
Resources & Links
Visit Sarah’s website and download her free tool about how to plan for life’s irregular expenses.
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
25 Jan 2024
Finding Your Purpose Through Friendship With Mark Delaney of The Purpose Mastermind
01:00:52
Need something to light you up today? Maybe some profound advice? Look no further!
Today’s episode features Mark Delaney, host of the podcast The Purpose Mastermind. He and his wife Andrea are purpose dealers, which means they spend their lives helping people clarify their purpose into one simple sentence.
He says that having something in life that moves us and compels us is at the core of what it is to be human; that we should all be purpose-focused instead of problem-focused; that so many of us don’t live with full expression because of the walls between us and others.
He brings so much thought-provoking wisdom in this episode, wisdom that has me analyzing my day-to-day interactions, and he presents the great reminder that friendship is not extracurricular. It’s not only for “people-people.” We are all made for people.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
Focusing on your past and trying to fix it vs. discovering your purpose and using this to move forward
Powerful, positive relationships vs. negative relationships (as opposed to “positive” or “negative” people)
Tweaking the simple things and auditing yourself: are you showing up as yourself or are you putting on a show?
The impact of tiny, consistent steps in the right direction instead of big grand gestures
Tapping into the people around us to help us with our self-reflection and the clarity that comes with vocalization
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
01 Feb 2024
What Would You Tell Your 20-Year-Old Self About Friendship? With Arpita Mehta
00:59:53
If you could go back and advise your 20-year-old self about friendship, what would you say?
Personally, I always had the worst social anxiety hangover, worrying about the things I said or did after hanging out with people. I know now I should have asked my friends about it instead of ruminating and worrying.
This is the underlying theme of today’s episode – lessons we’ve learned about friendship since our 20s – which features Arpita Mehta, a brand strategist and host of The Modern Millennial podcast. She’s also the creator of the Little Brown Diary, a Facebook group of 38,000 South Asian millennial women.
This episode is full of so many gems, and I walked away with so much appreciation for all the work my friends and I have done as we’ve grown and changed. It truly is a never-ending journey.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
Limiting beliefs about friendships and how it’s not something we’re taught – making and maintaining friendship is something you have to learn through life experience
Ever-evolving friendships – we won’t necessarily be the same friends we are now ten or twenty years down the line
Male friendship groups vs. female friendship groups, and the effort required to keep a group together (hint: we sometimes make it more difficult than it has to be!)
The downside of being the “connector” in a group who makes the plans and gets along with everyone (and the importance of getting other people to do this work too)
Folding time with friends into things we were going to do anyway – like go shopping or pick up coffee, etc.
Resources & Links:
I can’t suggest The Modern Millennial podcast enough. It’s like hanging out with a friend – a mix of serious conversations, lifestyle, and beauty.
Listen to Episode 42 to hear about the dynamics of friend trios and friend groups.
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
08 Feb 2024
Are Low-Maintenance Friendships Actually Low Maintenance? (Plus, Tips on How to Make Them Work Better For You!)
00:39:32
Are low-maintenance friendships all they’re made out to be?
So many of us are trying to live in this impossible zone of wanting friendship to be little effort but not neglectful. The effort of staying in this bubble can make maintaining a friendship more difficult, and it also denies many of our inherent needs.
Today I’m going to talk about why this mainstream current definition of “low maintenance” friendship is not serving us. How can we think about low maintenance friendship differently and make it work for us?
Friendship should be a reprieve, not a burden; let’s make it easier on ourselves by focusing on consistent, simple connections. Think breadcrumbs, not bread loaves.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
The language we use about “low-maintenance” friendship and the fine line that defines them – you want “low attention” but can’t be neglectful
How so much of low-maintenance friendships is denying that we matter, that we want to be seen, that we have needs
The amount of energy we spend staying in the exact right zone of a low maintenance friendship – which in the end isn’t very low maintenance!
The importance of having conversations about how we each are able to show up in friendships
How to leave “breadcrumbs” instead of bread loaves through scheduling hacks, reoccurring meet-ups/texts/calls, voice messages, etc.
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
15 Feb 2024
How Jenna Myhre Deyle Moved Across the Country to Live Closer to Friends
00:43:04
How close do you live to your friends? Next door? Down the street? Or do many of your friends live on the other side of the country?
Today’s guest, Jenna Myhre Deyle, actually made a cross-country trip in order to be closer to friends. Before the move, she’d been married, was climbing the corporate ladder, but after her divorce, she couldn’t shake a certain level of unhappiness.
Linked in our show notes is an article that cites some amazing statistics – that a person is 8 percent happier living with a spouse, 14 percent happier living within a mile of your siblings, and 25 PERCENT happier a mile from your friend.
Jenna’s move to the midwest to be closer to friends is an out-of-the-box decision – and it’s one of the reasons I’m so excited to have her on the podcast today. Whether we realize it or not, our proximity to friends can tremendously impact our happiness.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
Jenna’s story about “checking off the boxes” – getting married, moving up the corporate ladder, etc. – only to realize she was deeply unhappy
The major decision Jenna made, calling her company’s VP about her wish to move back home to Kansas City, not matter what that meant for her future employment
Society’s understanding of what success is and the idea that if you’re unhappy you should self-care your way out of it
Jenna’s intentional work to make new friends/communities besides the friends she already had in Kansas City – and the impact this made on her perspective and career
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
22 Feb 2024
Navigating Friendships When You Decide to Drink Less with Hitha Palepu
00:43:33
From happy hours to bottomless mimosa brunches, many friendships are held together by activities that involve alcohol.
Consequently, these friendships are often affected when one party stops drinking. I personally have experienced some big friend group culture shifts when it comes to alcohol. In the beginning, alcohol was the norm, but it’s not anymore.
No matter what, it’s helpful to find activities with your friends that do not center around alcohol, so be proactive and find new ways to spend time together. It will only strengthen your friendship in the long run.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
The normalization and glamorization of alcohol consumption and the reality of what regular drinking does to our bodies and our relationships
How many people use alcohol as a social crutch – plus, the barrier it actually creates between friendships
Hitha’s decision to cut back on alcohol, especially at networking events or parties, and the impact that’s made on her home life and overall well-being
How Hitha has transitioned with her friends into doing other activities together that don’t involve alcohol, from Dry January to coffee walks in the park
Tips if you are reevaluating your relationship with alcohol, from creating rules for yourself to finding delicious delicious alcohol-free alternatives
Breaking the Cycle: Rewriting and Modeling the New Rules of Friendship For the Next Generation With Annmarie Beatty
01:06:31
Many adults today say they weren’t taught to make and maintain friendships. I’m often asked how we might break this cycle and model something different for the next generation.
What I keep coming back to is that we all need to start making small changes. What if we said hi to people walking by? What if we stayed off our phones while on the train or waiting in line? What if we allowed children to teach us how to put ourselves out there
Today’s guest is Annmarie Beatty, who is a therapeutic life coach and a leader in her local home school community. So many people think homeschooled kids don’t get enough socialization, but her experience is the opposite – families who homeschool their kids have to be intentional about socialization.
In this episode, we talk a great deal about being intentional in connecting with the people around us. There are so many societal structures that make friendship difficult, but here, I hope you get the message, loud and clear, that it’s worth the effort!
In this episode you’ll hear about:
The importance of socializing with all ages and giving kids the opportunity to make intentional friendships
The cultural shifts and structural hurdles that cause making and maintaining friendships difficult
Third Places, the Liking Gap, the decline in social trust (including thick and thin trust), and weak ties vs. strong ties
Small changes that can facilitate more social trust, which can be as easy as staying off your phone while in line or on the train
The extreme loneliness epidemic in the U.S., and seeing children as examples of how you can make friends and put yourself out there
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
07 Mar 2024
How To Support Your Friends Through All of Life’s Fresh Starts with Olivia Howell
01:08:57
Have you ever felt like a bad friend for not showing up for someone you care about?
Or maybe you’re frustrated that you’re ALWAYS showing up for everyone but feel like nobody reciprocates; or, MAYBE you’re somebody who struggles to let people support you. If any of this resonates, this episode is for you.
Today’s guest is Olivia Howell, co-founder and CEO of the Fresh Starts Registry, the first and only platform that offers a registry to help people begin again after a major life change. She’s also the co-host of A Fresh Story, a top 2% personal journals podcast.
I’ve been following Olivia and Fresh Starts for a long time, and I’m stoked to get this episode out there. It’s full of so many tangible examples of how to show up for people in a world where we’re overwhelmed by responsibility and calls for our attention.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
Life changes – the average person goes through 14 (!) in a lifetime, from job changes and break-ups to moves and having kids
Meeting people where they are, which often means you have to take your ego out of it and remember that the reaction might not be the one you envisioned
How sometimes, it’s not sustainable to show up in the volume that equates our love – plus, the benefits of focusing on the small things instead of the grand gestures
Coming up with tried and true scripts you can say to your friends (and borrowing some from Fresh Starts if you need some help with material)
Letting people into your life and believing you are worthy of support, and building the support system that feels right for you
Resources & Links
Check out Fresh Starts, follow them on Instagram, and see their scripts that can help you next time you want to show up for your friends while they’re going through their major life moments.
Listen to the Fresh Starts podcast, and keep an eye out for their upcoming episode which I’ll be a guest on!
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
14 Mar 2024
Unpacking Learned Loneliness – and How We Can Impact Change
00:36:32
When the term “learned loneliness” came across my desk, it made my ears perk up.
The idea of learned loneliness – that loneliness is now our new normal – resonates with me; I often find myself wanting to see people, but instead, I’m scrolling or turning on the TV. I used to think this was laziness, but now I think I’ve gotten comfortable being uncomfortable.
Here are some stats to ponder: 35 percent of people feel socializing is less important than they found it to be before the pandemic. Over the last decade, face-to-face socializing hours with close friends has been cut in half.
Never before have we spent so much time alone, particularly with so many people working from home. Today, we talk about some things that could be causing the uptick in loneliness, and I propose some solutions, including things I’m personally committing to.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
The different dimensions of loneliness, including intimate loneliness, relational loneliness, and collective loneliness
Factors that have led to an increase in loneliness, including lack of community organizations, increase of working from home, lack of social trust, etc.
Social media and TV’s roles in loneliness – and why I think one is more harmful than the other
Things we can do to combat learned loneliness, such as appreciating the beauty in simple relationships
Why we shouldn’t wait for the perfect opportunity or situation to put ourselves out there
Resources & Links:
For more on loneliness, check out Episode 27, and learn about how we might better lean into front yards instead of back yards in Episode 39 and Episode 67.
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
21 Mar 2024
Separating Our Own Friendship Beliefs From Our Children’s With Pam Howard
00:48:06
Do you want to teach your kids how to make and maintain friendships?
I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: modeling is so important, but as today’s guest Pam Howard points out, what’s also crucial is checking in with your own friendship beliefs, particularly any fears or insecurities you have about friendship. That way, you can separate your experiences from theirs.
Pam is a licensed clinical social worker, a former K-8 school counselor, and the mom of two teenage daughters. She’s a master life coach for high-achieving moms and host of the podcast Less Drama, More Mama.
Even if you don’t have kids, there’s so much to take in. Pam presents the important reminder that friendship requires work. Sometimes it’s great and feels easy. Sometimes it’s messy and feels hard. I hope this episode causes people to reflect on their own friendship beliefs and remember we’re ALL just trying to figure it out.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
Examining our own friendship beliefs and analyzing how this might impact our kids’ friendships and being aware of the phrasing and messaging we pass on to them
How friendship is different for all kids, particularly introverts/extroverts/kids on the Autism spectrum; what feels good for one person might feel terrible for someone else
Modeling healthy, respectful friendship and talking about: why friendship is important; what it means to be a good friend; qualities to look for in a friend
Being the gatekeepers to friendship and the importance of kids seeing friends outside school, where they deepen relationships and learn how other families live
Teaching kids how to listen and be interested in other people, and also how to problem solve their way out of tight friendship spots
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
28 Mar 2024
The Magical Combination of Intention and Small, Simple Actions With Zahara Williams
00:39:40
Never underestimate the power of the simple things, especially when it comes to friendship.
I love that we tackle the big topics on this podcast, but there’s a special place in my heart for episodes like this one.
Today’s guest is Dr. Zahara Williams, who is a therapist, speaker and author of the After Betrayalworkbook. Here, we talk about an amazing group of friends she’s remained close with for years, even after a major move away.
Listening to this episode, I was reminded of how powerful the combination of intention and small actions can be. At the end of the day, it’s the little stuff – the stuff that can easily be passed over – that is actually some of the most significant work we can do in our connections.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
Thinking about the roles we play in our friends and being intentional about how we want to show up as time goes on
Shifting the way we use technology to maintain our friendships during big life changes (plus, using social media to actually CONNECT and not lurk!)
Going on the friendship journey and remembering all our friends started at zero at one point
Not allowing bad circumstances to limit us from having a beautiful experience with a group of friends
Being our authentic selves and not getting caught up on the friendships that don’t work (because maybe they don’t work for a reason!)
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
04 Apr 2024
Crafting Connections in Small Towns and Virtual Worlds with Wesley Stroupe
00:50:33
In this episode, we cover something I’ve been DYING to talk about: friendship in virtual reality. When you put on the headset and enter the VR world, what’s it like?
Today’s guest, Wesley Stroupe, is a Friendship IRL podcast listener who recently moved to a small town. Wesley is a self-described anxious person, but especially after the pandemic, he knew community and connection were important in making this new place his home.
He found these things in both conventional and unconventional places, from the local Unitarian Universalist Church to Bumble BFF and VRChat. (Are you making connections in VR, too? If so, reach out – I want to hear about it!)
As the world changes and new technologies appear, I feel strongly that we share how we use these new tools to fill our social wellness needs. Putting yourself out there can be scary, no matter the method, but as Wesley says here, though it feels like it might kill you, it won’t – and eventually, it might lead you to your people.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
Voice memos vs. text messages – the impact of hearing people’s voices (the sound, the cadence, the tone) and what they can carry that text messages cannot
Wesley’s story: growing up in a small Southern town and then moving to a small town as a self-described socially anxious person
The benefits of joining a formal community – a church or religious organization, for example – and how this plays in my Wheel of Connection framework
The snowball effect of connection: one friend might introduce you to another friend, who might introduce you to other friends, etc.
Different platforms Wesley has used to make friends, including Threads, Bumble BFF, and VRchat, and what they’ve been like for him
Resources & Links:
In this episode, we talk about the Wheel of Connection, which I urge you to check out, and male friendships, which we cover more in-depth in Episodes 31 and 32.
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
11 Apr 2024
Carving Out More Time For Connection With Our People with Career Break Coach and Author Katrina McGhee
01:03:53
How much time do you spend with the people who matter to you most?
This could be your partner, your kids, your family, your friends, your community. The answer will probably vary depending on your season of life.
This episode features Katrina McGhee, a career break coach and author of Taking a Career Break for Dummies. Katrina was inspired by her own 20-month career break that involved traveling the world and spending more time with friends and family.
This conversation is such a delight. Community, connection and friendship are massive priorities in my life, and I hope this episode offers inspiration on how to make choices that allow us all to carve out more time to spend with our people.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
The American Time Use Survey, which shows trends of how Americans spend their time based on age
Katrina’s life-changing career break, how she managed it, and her advice for using a career break to connect with people
Non-constructed moments with our people (often facilitated during longer periods of time spent together) instead of curated visits
The mind-blowing percentage of people for whom connection is their reason for taking a career break
Modern American connections vs. the connections Katrina remembers as a kid and the kinds she saw while traveling abroad (hint: we used to be more serendipitous!)
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
18 Apr 2024
The Power of Vulnerability in Small Doses: Embracing Small Intimacies
00:31:32
Sometimes to feel closer to our friends there’s this pressure to share our most vulnerable feelings or unearth some deep, dark secret.
But what if I told you there are more ways to feel connected to our friends that are actually simpler, easier, and more common? That in fact, there are DOZENS of ways we’re trying to open up to each other, but because they’re not “big” shares, they’re often overlooked?
I believe we are all missing out on small moments of connection with our friends, and in this episode, I’ll describe this concept that I’ve mentioned many times but never dug into: small intimacies.
My hope with this episode is to offer ways to shift the friendship culture and pay more attention to those small bids of connection, because as I’ve said before, friendship doesn’t have to be “all or nothing.” Sometimes those small intimacies are more than enough.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
Definitions of vulnerability and rejection and the roles they play in whether or not we allow small intimacies
Examples of small intimacies that are overlooked in friendship, from inviting somebody into your house to telling the truth when somebody asks how you are
Topics that are vulnerable or considered big shares for some people but not for others, which can be both “positive” and “negative” shares
The cycle of overthinking what we share to our friends and how we can open ourselves up to small intacies
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
25 Apr 2024
The Physiological Impacts of Connection (Which is Actually More Important Than Exercise) with Dr. Zarya Rubin
00:48:44
How much Vitamin J are you getting in your life?
In today’s episode, we’re talking with Dr. Zarya Rubin, a Harvard educated functional medicine physician, and one of the questions she often asks patients is about whether they’re experiencing enough joy and connection.
Though there’s a societal push for more exercise and more kale, connection is actually one of the MOST important things you can do for your physiological health. According to a documentary we both love – Live to 100: Secrets of the Blue Zones – regular human connection could add 15 years to your life. Lack of connection is similar to smoking 20 cigarettes a day.
I saw Dr. Rubin give a TED Talk here in Seattle a few weeks ago on burnout, and I am so grateful that she was able to come onto the podcast today. This will not be the last time we talk about this but it is definitely an amazing foundational episode to start to explore this topic.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
The impact of stress, increasing cortisol levels and trickling into other parts of your body
The studies that have recently come out about college students who entered school during the pandemic
Loose ties, relational diversity, and how interactions at coffee shops can not only change your day but impact your long-term health
Technology’s impact on in-person connection and how to get in touch with your fun side
Resources & Links:
Learn more about Dr. Zarya Rubin on her website where you can access her free Burnout to Balance Toolkit and follow her on Instagram.
Check out Episodes 38 and 39, which are about third places; Episode 41, which is about the Liking Gap; Episode 4 (What is a Friend?); and Episode 69, about learned loneliness.
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
02 May 2024
Losing a Best Friend and Navigating Grief with Michelle Cecil
00:51:20
Today’s episode is all about holding space – and it’s a poignant reminder of the importance of friendship and how it can profoundly affect our lives, even after a friend has passed away.
Michelle Cecil is here to vulnerably share her story about her friendship with Erica.
Michelle and Erica’s friendship blossomed in their youth and grew stronger as they navigated the ups and downs of adulthood. Their relationship faced the ultimate test when Erica was diagnosed with metastatic melanoma.
Throughout the episode, Michelle recounts the joys and heartbreaks of their journey and how she found support.
We also delve into the complexities of grieving a friend, including the lack of societal recognition for these losses and the unique challenges it poses.
This episode truly left me speechless. Join us as we share space and honor the memory of Erica, while celebrating the beauty of lifelong friendships.
P.S. Michelle is a friend of Brenda, who appeared on Episode 24. They are part of the Marco Polo group we talk about in that episode.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
The story of Michelle and Erica’s friendship, and how living thousands of miles away didn’t affect their bond (cards, letters, and long distance phone calls played a role)
Friendships that feel like chosen family, transcending traditional familial bonds and highlighting the deep, emotional connections that can form in these relationships
How Michelle has processed her grief over the years, from support groups, to counseling, to simply honoring Erica’s memories by talking about her with friends
How the “Friends” series finale and Cinco de Mayo stir up memories of Erica
The importance of sharing our stories of loss, and how this can foster understanding and bring comfort to those experiencing something similar
Resources & Links:
Check out Episode 24, which talks about the Marco Polo friend group that Michelle is a part of.
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
09 May 2024
Navigating Female Friendships and All Their Complexities with Danielle Bayard Jackson
00:59:03
Today’s topic is female friendship, and to be honest, I’m a little overwhelmed by the responsibility.
I hear your stories about the intensity, cattiness, and drama of female friendships, but to tell you the truth, it’s been a long time since my friendships involved those extreme experiences. Due to my life’s circumstances, I had to approach friendship differently. Friends are my support system, and I will do all I can – even if it’s uncomfortable – to risk losing a friendship.
Which is why I’m so glad to have a female friendship expert on today: Danielle Bayard Jackson, host of the Friend Forward podcast, is a coach, educator, and author of Fighting for Our Friendships, which is a total game-changer and a book I cannot recommend enough.
Today, we talk about all the depth and complexities of this relationship – including, most importantly, the joy of female friendships, which, at their height, allow us to be seen and accepted for who we are.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
Danielle’s background as an English teacher, where she observed the academic impact friendship had on her students
The fragility of female friendships and the pressure women are often under to juggle the needs of others (as mothers, wives, employees, daughters, sisters, caregivers, etc.)
Why women often look for emotional support from their platonic female friendships more than their romantic partners
The high expectations of female friendships and Danielle’s advice for navigating the pressure associated with these relationships (HINT: communication is key!)
Navigating healthy conflict and gender expectations, and how to build resilience so we can put ourselves out there
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
16 May 2024
Checking-In: How’s Your Friendship Self Talk?
00:30:56
I’ve been paying more attention to my self talk lately, particularly my negative self talk.
It’s so easy to berate ourselves and give ourselves labels about our interactions. I’m a bad friend. I’m awkward. I’m terrible at small talk. I’m not good at showing up.
But what if instead of saying, I’m awkward, we say, that interaction was awkward, and look at the situation objectively? It’s easier said than done! The important thing is to notice the negative self talk when it happens and try to shift that over time.
In today’s episode, I share three stories about my own self talk. Sometimes I have good self talk. Other times I’m quite mean to myself. My hope is that these stories serve as a reminder that we’re all still working on it, and that’s okay.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
Different kinds of self talk we have before, during, and after our interactions – and how these can make or break our connections
My runaway train story about a sleep deprived podcast recording, an embarrassing interaction, and the negative self talk I couldn’t seem to stop
The value in removing ourselves from the conversation and looking at the situation objectively
Two situations where I was able to tame negative self talk – one where I was ghosted, one where I didn’t show up for a friend in the way I’d wanted to
The tricks our brains play on us, and how to approach these “fails” and be kinder to ourselves as time goes on
Resources & Links:
Need a cheerleader for your social interactions? I’m here for you! Conquer your friendship anxiety and walk into any room with confidence - join the waitlist now.
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
23 May 2024
Letting Our Historic Friendships Breathe in Their New Forms with Joseph Suttner
00:50:55
Think about your closest friends. Have you ever felt yourself saying, maybe I just don’t know them anymore? Or, why is it so hard for us to get together?
Here’s a question I’m posing for today’s episode: instead of trying to maintain friendships at their “peaks,” what if we allowed these friendships to breathe in their new forms?
Today’s guest is Joseph Suttner, who I met a year ago while on New Day Northwest, a morning TV show here in Seattle. In this episode, Joseph and I talk in-depth about the Wheel of Connection, particularly historic vs. present friendships.
Sometimes it can be sad to admit our historic (and sometimes closest) friendships are no longer at their peaks due to life’s circumstances. But if there’s one constant in life, it’s change, and I think listeners will walk away from today’s episode with new appreciation and perspective of these relationships.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
Historic friends, defined friends, formal communities, and more in my Wheel of Connection framework
The guilt and shame created by friendships that can’t be maintained at their peaks due to the realities of adulthood – and how to appreciate what’s there instead
Self-awareness about your approachability if you’re trying to expand your connections (i.e., are you wearing sunglasses or headphones while out walking?)
Activities together vs. drinks or coffee – one of these feels like less pressure if you’re meeting up with a new friend
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
30 May 2024
Finding Balance Between Community and Individualism With Donna Fields
00:58:39
How do we balance community and independence?
This question is posed by today’s guest, Donna Fields, who, twenty years ago, moved to Spain, and experienced culture shock, going from the United States – an individualistic society – to one that was collectivist and communal.
Donna is an author, professor, teacher, trainer, and host of the podcast Doorways to Learning with Donna. Here, she asks: what do we look for when we leave one place and go to another? For her, it was family and community. But is it possible to be TOO communal?
Spaniards are often extremely family oriented, but is it possible family ties literally tie them down when they could have more experiences if allowed to cut loose? When you move somewhere so different, it makes you wonder: where’s the balance? What feels right to me?
I love episodes like today’s. It feels like we could just be sitting around the kitchen table with a cup of coffee, trying to explore life’s deeper meanings. We don’t answer all the questions, but it sure is an interesting conversation.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
All about Donna – her background in New York and New Mexico and how she ended up in Spain for the last 20 years
What do we look for when we leave one place and go to another? And why do we leave the house in general – to do something, or to be with other people?
Spanish vs. American culture: how each views family, community, reciprocity, trust, etc., and the pros and cons of each
The hyper-vigilance required in individualistic societies where you’re doing everything by yourself
The ripple effects we can have on others and the power of letting go
Resources & Links:
Donna has compiled some material that will generate fascinating conversations about cultural differences and the natural unions of communities.
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
06 Jun 2024
Flexible Expectations and Modern Friendships with Author Anna Goldfarb
01:03:57
If you’re having a bad day, try bragging about a friend. Talk about that thing they did and why they’re so great – it will turn your whole day around.
Today I’m bragging about my new friend Anna Goldfarb, author of Modern Friendships, which is about the nuances of adult friendships. Anna is a journalist whose reporting has appeared in The New York Times, The Atlantic, The Washington Post and Vox. Her book is absolutely amazing.
You’ll find we have lots of overlap in the ways we think about friendship, but of course, we are different people, and she provides slightly different perspectives and language on the topic.
Today’s episode was such a delightful conversation; it felt like we could talk forever. If you like what I put out on this podcast, be sure to buy her book!
In this episode you’ll hear about:
The topic of friendship over the last few years, which became magnified during and after the pandemic
Friendship strategies that are outdated in today’s super fluid society, putting people in positions where they can’t commit
How Anna’s research impacted her relationship with her sister and her own friendships
The importance of having flexible expectations as you and your friends move into different phases of life
The thing that’s flattening our friendships that our ancestors didn’t have to deal with and the amount of time it actually takes to develop close relationships
Want to hear more about flexible friendship expectations? Check out Episode 33, “The New Version of Friendship,” and Episode 45, about friendship demotions.
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
13 Jun 2024
How Creating a Community is the Ultimate Self-Care with Fresh Starts Registry Co-Founder Jenny Dreizen
01:08:05
One thing I always say is creating a community is the ultimate self-care.
In today’s episode, we dive deep into this idea with my good friend Jenny Dreizen, who is the co-founder of the Fresh Starts Registry, which I’m a huge supporter of.
The Fresh Starts Registry is a registry for all of life’s new beginnings, from divorces to graduations, big moves to scary diagnoses. (Sound familiar? I also talked with Jenny’s sister and co-founder Olivia in Episode 68!)
Jenny is the perfect friend for me to sit down and have this conversation with because so much of her work centers around supporting people through changes and transitions.
BTW, don’t let anyone tell you that you can’t make friends on the internet. Jenny and I have never met in person, yet, I can totally see our friendship spanning 30 years from now.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
What it means to be in your “friendship era” and why sometimes doing less actually serves friendships more
Friendship breaks vs. just taking a step back from friendship or cutting off just part of a friendship
Putting yourself in places and environments that feel authentic to you and the importance of trusting your gut about your relationships
Coming back to people whose energies didn’t used to align with yours but actually do now
Internet friends, selfless acts, and how deciding to actively engage in your community is actually the ultimate self-care
Resources & Links:
Learn about small intimacies in Episode 74, check out the Fresh Starts Registry, follow them on Instagram, and listen to Episode 68 to hear my conversion with Fresh Starts co-founder (and Jenny’s sister) Olivia.
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
20 Jun 2024
The Case For Making Friends Who Are In Different Life Stages Than You
00:36:21
I just want to make friends who are in the same stage of life as me.
In this business, I hear some of the same phrases over and over, and this is one of them. I love that goal, and it’s a big part of what I talk about on the podcast. But recently, I’ve also noticed a trend in which people are seeking friends who are in DIFFERENT life stages.
So that’s what I’m talking about today. Why would you want friends in different life stages than you? And more importantly, how do you make and maintain friendships with people whose current life circumstances are so different from yours?
Personally, I’m looking for a walking buddy, and I feel like that perfect someone might not be a fellow entrepreneur in their mid-30s. What friendships are you looking for in your own life? How might people in different life stages add some richness to your social wellness?
In this episode you’ll hear about:
The tendency to lean on sameness or perceived similarity in friendships – and the similarities you can still find between friends in different life stages
Why sometimes it’s actually easier to spend time with people in different life stages because they have different time constraints
The opportunities for sharing wisdom and learning when you’re friends with people who are older or younger than you
How sometimes having friends in different stages of life alleviates pressure to act or be a certain way – plus, ideas on how to find these friends!
Resources & Links:
Learn about my Wheel of Connection framework and be sure to check out Episode 77 about female friendships and Episode 15, about managing differences in friendships.
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
27 Jun 2024
Don’t Let Your Brain Run Loose: Creating Solid Friendship Beliefs with Sarah Siegert
01:01:05
What are your friendship beliefs? What stories do you tell yourself about your friendships?
Today’s episode might be one of the most important I’ve ever recorded because it gets at the heart of so many people’s struggles: core beliefs about friendship.
Here, I’m joined by Sarah Siegert, founder of Friendships Abroad. Inspired by her own experience moving from Hamburg to London, Sarah is a friendship coach who helps people living abroad create meaningful connections and overcome their loneliness.
As Sarah points out in today’s episode, our relationships start with us. If we want healthy friendships, we have to be willing to do the inner work first.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
Sarah’s experience moving from Germany to London in 2019 and her struggles to fit in within a whole new country
Doing the inner work and training our brains to see the similarities between each other instead of the differences
Creating new friendship habits and developing close relationships within a friendship group
Introverts vs. extroverts, recharging your social batteries, and being intentional about what you’re looking for in friendships
Resources & Links:
Check out Episode 42 about friendship trios, which is about developing a close friendship within a group and follow Sarah on Instagram and visit her website.
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
04 Jul 2024
Shifting People Pleasing Friendship Patterns with Deb Blum
01:06:12
A few years ago, I realized that one of my friendship patterns was actually kind of a problem.
I’d show up for my friends as Superwoman, bragging that I could (and would) drop everything and do anything for my friends – even if it meant betraying myself and my own needs. Then, when I really needed help, I’d never ask for it.
I think we all have friendship patterns and tendencies. Some are good. Some are not. What’s important is taking a step back to determine whether they serve our friendships.
We can talk about this stuff in theory, but hearing real stories makes all the difference, and today’s guest, Deb Blum, the CEO and founder of the Whole Soul Way, shares her own tales with truth and vulnerability, from her historical wariness of female friendships to the midlife realization that made all the difference.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
Becoming friends with people who feel “safe enough” and the feeling of being “too much” – plus, the difference between fitting in and belonging
Mismatches in relationships vs. mismatches in the moment, and how sometimes people just aren’t in the same places at the same time
The friendship patterns Deb finally realized midlife that were impacting her relationships and how she shifted those to create better ones
The impact our parents have on how we interact with friends and how close we allow people to get to us
The damage it can do to friendships when you don’t share your whole truth – and how people pleasing can actually be a bit of a betrayal
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
11 Jul 2024
How to Embody Main Character Energy in Friendship
00:30:00
Have you ever met someone truly magnetic?
They walk into the room, and suddenly, the energy shifts. People are drawn to them. Some might argue that this is just the way some people were born. They inherited some gene that the rest of us didn’t.
But I believe magnetic individuals are just people who are doing the thing, putting themselves out there and taking action consistently – which over time, creates momentum and that coveted main character energy.
You are the main character in your own life, and when you’re stuck riding somebody else’s waves, it’s easy to lose sight of your own needs and interests! So that’s what today’s episode is about: creating momentum and embodying that main character energy in your own life.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
What main character energy is: taking action, speaking up for yourself, prioritizing community connection
What main character energy is not: centering yourself in every relationship; blaming other people as the problem; never taking responsibility
Peeling back the layers of your authentic self and letting yourself be seen, especially the things about you that make you colorful and interesting
Giving yourself the glow-up without the life-changing event and making yourself the center of your connection universe
Three tips and two challenges to help you get your own main character energy
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
18 Jul 2024
Spring Cleaning Friendships Through Life’s Transitions with Emily Rogers
00:48:56
There are some friendships we just need to let go of. In some instances, this means letting go of an aspect of a friendship. In others, this actually means letting go of an entire friendship.
Today’s guest is Emily Rogers, a transition and leadership coach and the host of the Leap to Lead podcast (which I was recently a guest on; link in the show notes!). Emily has lived overseas for 20 years and has personally navigated many moves and transitions.
She says that with each transition comes a spring cleaning of sorts with past connections, which requires stepping back and reflecting on the energy of these relationships. Can you alter the expectations of this friendship? How will you connect? Is it time to let go entirely?
Hopefully this episode helps you navigate those transitions with more grace and intention, so that, if you desire, those old friendships can still thrive in their new forms.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
The different kinds of life transitions that affect friendship: physical moves; starting a family; a new romantic relationship; a medical emergency; finishing school, etc.
Instances in which you SHOULDN’T do the work (for example: a toxic relationship; lack of capacity; you simply don’t want to)
Recognizing energy: when it’s right, when it’s not right, and when it’s time to shift your friendships (and remembering that what feels right now might not feel right later!)
The impact of taking a step back six to eight months after a big move or life transition to make sure your friendships aren’t draining (or sliming!) you
Managing interactions with draining people you have to spend time with (for example, doing an activity together or only hanging out in groups)
Resources & Links
Listen to Emily’s podcast, The Leap to Lead, which I was recently a guest on!
Go back to Episode 12 and learn about my theory about the Roots Framework.
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
25 Jul 2024
Realizing It’s Just Not the Same Anymore With Sarah Marie Paige
00:39:31
Have you ever gone back to an old friend, only to realize it’s not the same as it was?
This is the experience of today’s guest, Sarah Marie Paige, who in this episode shares about her amazing high school friend group – a group she assumed she’d be able to re-enter without a hitch post law school.
Instead, she learned they couldn’t actually pick up where they left off. Just like with plants, if you don’t water your friendships, they don’t continue to live. So, Sarah created a new community, one that supports her new lifestyle as a lawyer and fantasy writer.
I hope this episode makes those who’ve experienced this phenomenon feel less alone and realize that there are options – you can try to start over with these old friendships, or, like Sarah, you can put your energy elsewhere to build what you need.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
Sarah’s high school friends, who kept in touch post graduation via blog for several years but eventually lost touch
Grieving the loss of old friendships, which change as we grow older, and the crossroads ahead: do you start over with them or find new friends?
Sarah’s life as a fantasy writer, and her books, each of which is a kind of love letter to a specific friend – plus, how she met new friends who support this passion
The importance of having a WHY when it comes to community – why are you bringing these people together? What is your shared purpose?
Resources & Links:
Sarah is a fantasy author! Check out her books on her website!
Go back to Episode 12 and learn about my theory about the Roots Framework.
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
01 Aug 2024
Want a Couch Friend? You Need to Be a Couch Friend
00:42:13
Today I talk about two friendship terms I’ve been hearing more about lately: the “couch friend” and the “errand friend.”
Lots of people want these kinds of friendships because they’re supposed to be easy. You do life’s responsibilities together or you do absolutely nothing together – no planning or panic cleaning required.
But how do you find these friends? How do you find someone you’re so comfortable with that you can just sit back and watch TV in your sweatpants together, and it’s not weird?
My thoughts? If you want a couch friend, you have to BE a couch friend. If you want an errand friend, you have to BE an errand friend. In this episode, I offer a few ideas about how to put that energy out into the world, from embracing spontaneity to encouraging your guests to get their own glasses of water.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
What a couch friend is, what an errand friend is, and why these kinds of relationships are often with already established friends
Leaning into a more casual energy from the getgo in a new friendship instead of putting your best foot forward
How I act when I have couch-type friends coming over (hint, I might be in sweatpants, and I’m probably not panic cleaning)
What kind of energy does somebody bring when they come over? Is it roommate energy? Or are you waiting on them?
Creative ways you might actually be able to spend time with a couch or errand friend even if you’re a parent or busy adult
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
08 Aug 2024
Dear Men: Stop Living on Autopilot and Strengthen Your Social Circle with Antonio Neves
00:56:25
Do you know men who don’t have close friends?
It’s a common problem (one that I cover in Episode 31 and Episode 32 of this podcast) with major implications. Poor social and mental health in men is connected with all kinds of other issues ranging from suicide and depression to gun violence.
Joining me to talk about this issue is Antonio Neves, a leadership expert, motivational speaker, award-winning journalist, bestselling author of Stop Living on Autopilot, host of the podcast The Antonio Neves Show, and founder of Man Morning.
This episode is full of great advice for men who are looking to rebuild their social circles. His major suggestion: take action! Find a group. Give a friend a call. Put something on the calendar. It might feel awkward, but it’s all part of the process.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
My personal experience seeing the downside of poor friendship support networks when my mom passed away and my dad became a single parent of three kids
Face-to-face communicators vs. side-to-side communicators, and the difference between big conversations at 7 a.m. vs. 7 p.m.
Antonio’s advice on how to push past the “Level 1 Listener” status; plus, five of the most powerful words you can say in a conversation
The power of investing in ourselves, particularly our support systems, BEFORE we hit rock bottom
Resources & Links:
Want to hear more on this topic? Be sure to listen to Episode 31 and Episode 32.
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
15 Aug 2024
How to Stop Dreading Parties and Take Charge of Your Guest Experience
00:27:48
If you’re somebody who dreads going to a party, then this episode is for you.
Sometimes the couch feels more appealing than going out into the world and socializing, and I get it. Attending a gathering takes energy. Sometimes it feels awkward. But gatherings can also make us feel inspired and supported and invigorated.
Today I offer an approach that will help you take charge of your guest experience with three simple questions. You can ask yourself these questions before you leave, while you’re driving, or even on your way inside. It’s that easy.
My hope is that this episode helps more gatherings feel like time well-spent – and that, consequently, you’ll want to say yes to more invitations in the future, too.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
Why do we like being invited? What feeling do we think a gathering will offer? And why do we sometimes feel dread on the day of?
What the very best gatherings can provide: a shift in momentum, a feeling of relief, a connection made, something learned
How to take charge of our guest experiences and create moments of meaning by asking three simple questions
Remembering that we don’t always know what will happen – and that sometimes the most unexpected gatherings can actually be the most impactful
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
22 Aug 2024
How to Not Live Vicariously Anymore with Christine Hetzel
00:48:53
Sometimes, when our social lives feel lacking, we find ourselves living vicariously through others and wondering: how come they’re all living their lives and I’m not?
This is the experience today’s guest, Christine Hetzel, found herself in during a kind of quarter-life crisis. To turn her friendship situation around, she took the initiative and began organizing different kinds of public meet-ups.
Today Christine is the host of the Time for Brunch podcast and blog where she coaches clients on how to prioritize their own needs and personal development. She has since organized meet-up groups around the world with hundreds of members.
This episode is packed with inspiration on how to make the connections you want right now. As Christine reminds us, you can’t sit around and imagine things might magically change. You have to go and take action.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
How Christine turned her friendship situation around by organizing meet-ups all over the world
The sometimes under-appreciated work of event-organizing, and how to not take things too personally in friendships (especially new ones)
The joy of friendship match-making, and how to broaden your network not as a means to “close the deal” but widen your possibilities
Being curious about what lights people up, and the conversation starter we both hate the most
Folding past friendships, relationships, and acquaintances into your next season of friendships
Resources & Links:
Listen to the episodes Christine mentions in this episode including Episode 24 (Marco Polo), Episode 41 (the Liking Gap), Episodes 44 and 48 (finding friends on the internet), Episode 49 (navigating small talk), and Episode 91 (party/event envy).
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
29 Aug 2024
Who We Are Right Now: The Benefits of Making New Friends and Starting Over with Leannda Shearer
00:59:02
There’s no better way to test your friendship skills than to move to a new city, and today’s guest, Leannda Shearer, has moved to a new city not once or twice but eight different times!
So, at this point, you could say she’s an expert at building a support system. With each new move, she’s learned that it takes not just the right skillset but also the right mindset to create meaningful connections.
Leannda is also a resilience coach and host of the podcast Rising with Phoenix Grace, and in this episode, she provides amazing tips and tricks on how to make new friends after a move, plus, some of her favorite quotes about friendship.
There’s a lot packed into this episode, and I think these tips apply to anyone who’s trying to make an impact or change in their friendships or community.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
The skillset AND mindset required to make new friends, plus, the benefits of even “surface level” connections (see my Wheel of Connection framework)
Making friends and “putting things on the wall,” even when you know this place is only temporary (and how to not overthink your connections that aren’t reciprocating)
How new friends see you for who you are in this moment and not just who you used to be or what you’ve gone through
Some of Leannda’s favorite places to make new friends, from meetup.com to networking nights to Facebook groups
Some of Leannda’s and my favorite inspirational quotes regarding friendship, from Heidi Priebe to Winnie the Pooh
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
05 Sep 2024
Easing Burnout With Social Connections with Lesley Waldron
00:49:59
If you’ve ever felt overwhelmed and exhausted by everything you have to do (while still worrying you aren’t doing enough!) then this episode is for you.
Today I’m talking about burnout with Lesley Waldron, is a burnout coach who is also a sandwich caregiver (a parent and caregiver to a parent). Much of our conversation tackles this conundrum: friendship is hard during burnout, yet, it’s also crucial for our well-being.
I wish I could say this episode has all the answers, but unfortunately there is no magic solution. We’re here to acknowledge a challenging situation many of you face and offer small ways to ease burnout in your own life.
Sometimes what you need most when you’re running on empty is actually a social connection: a hug, a swim date, a walk, or a living room dance party with a friend.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
The stressors of being a caregiver, plus, the neurological and physiological shifts stress triggers in your body, from blood pressure to focus
Different ways to “complete” the burnout stress cycle, from physical activity and laughter to social interaction and affection
Emotional labor: expressing your emotions to accommodate and elevate the emotions of others (which is common especially among women)
Four steps to use social connection as a means to complete the cycle if you’re experiencing burnout
Group gatherings vs. one-on-one gatherings: which do you find more restorative? Plus, the role of oxytocin in combating burnout
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
12 Sep 2024
Reconnecting With Old Friends When You’ve Become a Different Version of Yourself with Linda Mueller
00:59:53
Imagine you’ve made the move you’ve always dreamed of.
You live on the other side of the world and experience a new culture. It changes how you see your life – and almost imperceptibly, it changes you, too. When you return home, things are different among your friends. You don’t fit in the way you used to.
Today’s guest, Linda Mueller, has lived this challenge firsthand through seven international moves over the course of thirteen years. Today, she is a life coach and mentor who empowers international women in the journey of relocation and repatriation.
How do you reconnect with old friends when you’ve become a different version of yourself? While Linda’s story centers on international relocations, I think there are takeaways that apply to so many transformative life experiences.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
The impact on relationships based on emotional intimacy roots when we become new versions of ourselves
Reverse culture shock and the importance of keeping an open mind when it comes to forging new connections and maintaining old ones
The instinct to add vs. to cut when it comes to looking at the scope of friendships in our lives (and in particular, adding people with similar interests or available time)
Juggling a mixture of glass and plastic balls, and focusing on harmony instead of balance
How technology enables us to hold on to so many more people than we used to – which creates new challenges!
Resources & Links:
Sign up for Linda’s newsletter and receive five strategies to make the most out of your time abroad, and follow Suneera Madhani, whose brilliant metaphor about juggling plastic vs. glass balls is mentioned in this episode.
Go back to Episode 12 and learn about my theory about the Roots Framework and listen to Episode 87 about spring cleaning your friendships.
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
19 Sep 2024
10 Friendship Hot Takes
00:37:32
Today I’m going to share my personal hot takes about friendship.
If you’ve been listening to Friendship IRL for a while, you’ll recognize some of these ideas, but some thoughts are new, and some I haven’t presented as directly as I do today.
I was inspired by Danielle Bayard Jackson’s recent episode on the Friend Forward podcast, “6 Hot Takes on Female Friendships.” Here, I cover topics ranging from making friends with people of the opposite gender (which I love!) to the term “best friend” (which I hate!).
Honestly, I think doing this work has cemented a lot of these friendship beliefs for me, but I’d love to hear your thoughts: which hot takes do you agree or disagree with? This is a great episode for new listeners to start with, so please: send this to a friend, too!
In this episode you’ll hear about:
The fallacy that we need only a few close friends (and in particular, a best friend) and the truth about what the most supportive network actually looks like
How diversity in friendships can help us imagine different ways to live and be in the world – and consequently better understand ourselves
Over-sharing vs. under-sharing in friendship and why it’s actually not a bad thing when we’re not invited
The possible repercussions when you finally allow yourself to be uncomfortable in friendship
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
26 Sep 2024
How to Set Bridges Instead of Boundaries with Zya Be
00:55:18
Have you ever hesitated to set a boundary with a friend for fear of pushing them away?
Or, maybe you found yourself on the receiving end of unspoken expectations and left guessing what your friend truly needed.
Our friendships are some of the only relationships we have by choice – but sometimes that freedom can make us hesitate to trust. We’re subconsciously testing our friends, waiting for them to prove they will show up and listen. These tests can strain a friendship.
But what if setting boundaries didn’t have to be a test? What if instead we saw it as a bridge: a way to deepen the connection and show our friends how to love us better?
Today, I talk all about friendship boundaries with Zya Be, host of the podcast Your Hell Yes Life. We share real-life experiences with boundaries in friendship and stories about those bridge-crossing moments.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
When owning your “yes” is also about owning your “no” – and how to reassess boundaries that are no longer serving you
Being cognizant and upfront about how you like spending time with people, plus, how to create bridges instead of boundaries
Different ways you can take a “friendship pause” if a pattern isn’t working rather than immediately ending the friendship
Small intimacies, self-love, self-care, and the importance of being explicit about what’s needed when you (or a friend) are going through a hard time
Resources & Links:
In this episode I mention Episode 40 and Episode 54, which are both about neurodivergent friendships, and Episode 74, which is about small intimacies.
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
03 Oct 2024
Breaking Through One-Sided Connections With Chrissy Marie
01:00:39
Have you ever felt like you’re ALWAYS the one giving a shoulder to cry on – but don’t have one to cry on yourself?
I think it’s a common issue among friends. Personally, I used to brag about how I’d drop everything to help a friend in need – but I eventually discovered it wasn’t sustainable, and my friends didn’t reciprocate in quite the same way.
Today’s guest, Chrissy Marie, experienced similar issues, having always been the “space holder” or “fixer” for other people but never sharing the depths of her own emotions – which consequently led to one-sided connections.
Here, Chrissy – who is also a trauma-informed embodiment practitioner and founder of The Art of Aliveness podcast – shares her journey of unraveling these patterns and offers tips on how to build a diverse support network that holds space for ALL of you – no fixing required.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
Chrissy experience being the “space holder” for other people and the watershed moment that cracked her open
The fear of losing a friendship if you decide to pull back (and my own personal experience with this)
Why, sometimes, being the “fixer” isn’t actually supporting people in the way you think it is
The difference between allowing people to know something about you vs. allowing them to see your feelings and emotions about it
Fire circles, reparenting the child inside you, a brilliant structure for a Zoom call, and filling the gaps with professional support
In this episode I mentioned Episode 49 about small talk; Episode 91, about taking charge of your guest experience; Episode 74 about small intimacies; and Episode 85, about shifting people-pleasing patterns.
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
10 Oct 2024
Is Individualism Costing Us More Than We Realize?
01:02:29
Individualism is woven so deeply into the fabric of American culture that sometimes we don’t even notice it. But what if this cornerstone of our culture is costing us more than we realize?
Today’s guest is James F. Richardson, a cultural anthropologist who spent two decades studying American society – which included living a more communal life in South India for three years. His new book, Our Worst Strength, challenges our approach to individualism as a way of life.
I read the book, and it was interesting to notice what came up. Most eye-opening was realizing how deeply ingrained the individualism mindset is. I simultaneously didn’t like what I was reading about individualism and didn’t want to change anything about it.
Was this eye-opening for you too? Be sure to read James’s book and check out his substack. If you’re like me, thinking about what a number individualism has done on our lives, remember we can’t change this overnight. It takes small shifts over time to make big change.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
How American society often values personal autonomy and freedom at the expense of responsibility and obligation
Things that have affected communal interactions in America, from societal norms that prioritize achievement to the rise of modern media and entertainment
Having meaningful conversations and sharing skills with friends instead of using friendship as a source of entertainment
The need for community members to observe and inquire about the emotional well-being of others
Getting comfortable with bringing together people who are in different phases of life; plus, why I hate the “200 hours to make a friend” stat
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
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