Dive into the complete episode list for Divorce Coaches Academy. Each episode is cataloged with detailed descriptions, making it easy to find and explore specific topics. Keep track of all episodes from your favorite podcast and never miss a moment of insightful content.
In this introductory episode, Tracy and Debra share a little background about the inspiration for creating Divorce Coaches Academy™. They talk about the mission and purpose of DCA™ which is to offer affordable, online continuing education for professional divorce coaches so they can maximize client impact and create thriving practices. They also work tirelessly to raise awareness and advocate for the profession of divorce coaching.
Listen in as they introduce the purpose of this new podcast and invite you into the growing community of divorce coaches who are raising the standard of practice and professionalism in the field. Whether you're a new divorce coach ready to launch, an experienced coach looking to expand your practice, or a divorce professional interested in learning more about how professional divorce coaches add value to the process...we hope to provide lots of helpful information in the weeks to come.
You can learn more about DCA™ or find out about any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:
Getting your certification as a divorce coach is awesome, but then what do you do? On today's episode Tracy and Debra talk about how to get those first clients and where new coaches should focus their energy when just starting out.
It's easy to get caught up in "shiny object syndrome" and feel the need to do ALL THE THINGS right away. We want you to relax. You don't need a fancy website, an expensive business coach, or a ton of social media outlets to start building a profitable practice.
We'll talk about a few of the foundational classes DCA™ offers that can start new divorce coaches off on the right foot including Consults to Clients and Grassroots Marketing. You'll also hear us share our passion for reflective practice and the incredible results coaches are getting in our Case Consultation & Mastermind Group.
So, if you're just beginning your career as a professional divorce coach and aren't sure where to start...today's Divorce Coaches Academy™ podcast episode is just for you!
You can learn more about DCA™ or find out about any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:
On today's episode, Debra and Tracy discuss the who's who of individuals that are entering the field of divorce coaching and why they believe it is becoming so popular and important in the landscape of divorce.
Divorce coaching is a relatively new profession, but a quick Google search on the term "divorce coach" yields more than 450 million hits. Results include everything from training programs to articles to individual coach websites. More people are entering the field every day, but why is the profession growing so quickly?
We've noticed an increasing number of experienced divorce professionals such as family law attorneys, mediators, parenting coordinators, paralegals and more that are adding divorce coach training to their skill set and their services.
In this episode, we talk about the transition to alternative dispute resolution practices and the positive impact professionally trained divorce coaches are having on not just the divorce process, but on families.
You can learn more about DCA™ or find out about any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:
One of the most common mistakes we see as divorce coaching professionals is when clients allow others to make decisions in their divorce.
Today we discuss the power of reminding clients that they are the captain of their own divorce; from deciding the type of process they use to the amount of conflict they want to introduce to the final financial and parenting agreements they make.
When clients let family, friends, attorneys or even coaches influence their choices in divorce it can leave them feeling confused and powerless. One of the greatest gifts we offer are tools and encouragement to help clients advocate for themselves. Getting them to the understanding that they are the captain of their divorce and they have hired other professionals (or asked others for input) as part of their decision-making process, but not in place of it.
When clients are able to make informed, intentional choices, they walk away from divorce feeling empowered, not victimized. And that leads to a faster and fuller recovery. After all, divorce isn't just an ending - it's also a new beginning.
Listen in as Tracy and Debra talk about the advantages of supporting clients to be the captain of their own ship.
You can learn more about DCA™ or find out about any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:
In today's episode, Tracy and Debra talk about how the coaching conversation is intentionally different from a conversation with friends and family. While divorce coaches are great listeners, empathetic, and caring, we're also professionals who are there to get results for our clients.
In order to achieve those results, we need to understand where the client wants to go. Much like using a GPS in our cars, we have to know our destination in order to plan a route to get there.
When clients inevitably show up with a whole host of issues, emotions and concerns (what Tracy refers to as the "dump truck"), we serve them best when we can help them sort through and prioritize what needs attention. Establishing a specific focus for each client session allows the client to feel a sense of forward motion, some progress toward their goals.
Not only does this help your client feel confident and empowered moving through their divorce process, but it makes them feel amazing about their work with you. And that's good for business because referrals from happy clients can be one of the best sources of new business for you.
Listen in as we discuss why establishing session focus is the key to getting results for clients and for building your practice.
You can learn more about DCA™ or find out about any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:
Every divorce has conflict, but not every divorce is high conflict. As divorce coaches, we have the unique opportunity to help our clients become self-aware of their own conflict style, identify any personal behaviors that are contributing to divorce conflict and transition to a more strategic approach.
Word on the street is that everyone is divorcing a narcissist, but even in the presence of a full blown personality disorder, we can support clients in differentiating between actions that are protective and those that throw fuel on the fire.
Divorce conflict exists on a spectrum from general disagreements and good people behaving badly all the way to false allegations, illegal behavior, and physical violence. One key for coaches is to "know your zone" and not attempt to coach clients that exceed your conflict comfort level.
Listen in to today's conversation as Debra and Tracy talk all things high conflict divorce and how professional divorce coaches play such a vital role in helping clients manage that conflict more productively and effectively.
You can learn more about DCA™ or find out about any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:
Getting new clients is important, but so is making sure you’re spending your time, money and energy on the marketing activities and admin tasks that create the most return for your business.
Today, Tracy and Debra talk about the metrics that have helped them make critical decisions in their businesses. Do you know what percentage of your consult calls are converting to paying clients? Do you know which marketing channels or activities are generating the most leads for you? What portion of your business is referrals from satisfied clients?
The time you spend on creating posts or interacting on social media, attending networking meetings, writing emails or blog posts, conducting or following up on consults...is time you could be spending somewhere else. Smart business owners constantly assess whether they're focusing their time on the right activities.
In any business, efficiency is key and coaching is no different. Tracking your KPI's (Key Performance Indicators) as part of your monthly routine can point you to the places that are giving you the most bang for your buck (or time).
You can learn more about DCA™ or find out about any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:
Periodically, we want to bring you insights from other successful, practicing divorce coaching professionals to expand the conversation . We're so excited to bring you our very first spotlight coach interview today.
Today's guest, Andrea Hipps, LBSW, is a Certified Divorce Coach® and author who helps parents all along the divorce continuum resolve their divorce debris and create beautiful two-address families for their kids. She's the author of the internationally bestselling book The Best Worst Time of Your Life: Four Practices to Get You Through the Pain of Divorce, which outlines the four practices you need to create wholeness and healing for you and your kids before, during, and after divorce. As a regular contributor to our nation’s divorce recovery conversation, she's been featured on NBC, ABC, FOX and the CW discussing how we can do divorce better for the sake of ourselves and our families.
Tracy and Andrea focus on the topic of divorce debris and why it's so critical for those thinking about entering the field of divorce coaching to wait until their hearts and their wisdom can catch up with their passion . As Andrea so aptly states, "We can only lead people as far as we've grown".
We're not in the business to create "mini-me's" or to "save" clients from having a divorce experience like we did. We're here to be curious and help them self-discover the best options for their own families and their own lives. Divorce coaches need to have enough space and healing from our own experiences to support clients from a neutral perspective.
As Debra often says, "We must coach from our scar, not from our wound". Listen through to the end to learn how taking the garbage out every morning keeps Andrea "debris free".
It happens. You begin coaching a client and ... uh oh ... it's just not working. If you've ever struggled with the decision to end a client relationship, then this episode is just for you.
Today Tracy and Debra talk through the nuts and bolts of what to do when you begin to notice something is off, action isn't being taken, the client isn't a good fit, payment isn't forthcoming or something else has gone sideways in your coaching relationship.
Relationship is the key word here. Coaching is a relationship between us and the client, so all the same boundary and conflict resolution skills we would bring to any other relationship should apply here. Chances are if you aren't feeling it, your client isn't either. So use your curious questioning skills to identify what is getting in the way and help your client determine how they want to move forward. Often this open and honest dialogue will either get the work back on track or help the client self-identify that coaching with you isn't right for them right now. This allows you to bless them and send them off with resources, referrals, and love.
You have two powerful tools that can help you - your consult call and your coaching agreement. The consult call has two express purposes. First for you to share the value of what you offer (sales), but also for you to learn enough about the client to determine if they are a good fit to work with (screening). Once you choose to engage, your coaching agreement outlines the mutual responsibilities (boundaries) that you both commit to uphold.
Don't let an ineffective coaching relationship linger and create friction or frustration for either of you. It's not a reflection of your coaching skills or expertise, it's just not a good fit. Support that client in discovering what they do need, point them in the right direction, and sit back in confidence knowing you did the right thing for both of you.
You can learn more about DCA™ or find out about any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:
As divorce coaches, we want our clients to have a better divorce experience. But when does that desire cross the line from supporting our client to feeling the need to save our client? Today's episode is a reminder that we serve our clients best when we stay neutral and allow them to choose their own path and make their own decisions.
We talk a little about the difference between sympathy and empathy and how sympathy pulls us into judgement, the need to give opinions, problem solving, and the urge to "save" clients from their own choices. While empathy allows us to feel what the client feels but still sit in the neutral, supportive space.
Are you tempted to put on your cape and be a superhero for your client? The simple statement "It's going to be OK" can be an indicator that you're stepping into that role. If you find yourself using phrases like "I think", "You need to", "You should", and "Have you considered" you may be trying to direct your client toward the solutions you think are best.
When we block our own curiosity, we block the client's opportunity to discover their own solutions. They're also left at the end of their divorce without knowing that they have the skills, power and agency to make good decisions going forward.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime.
You can learn more about DCA™ or find out about any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:
Did you know the family law/divorce lawyer industry revenue for 2022 is projected to be $12.1 billion dollars? OMG, that's a lot of money being spent on divorce.
On today's podcast, Tracy and Debra talk about the frustration that clients often experience with their attorneys and what you, as a professional divorce coach, can do to support your clients to have a more productive AND cost-effective relationship.
It seems the narrative out there is that the only way to divorce is to get an attorney, so that is the first step many clients take. In fact, the court system was not intended to be a family resolution process. So, they are expecting the legal system to solve a family problem.
In an ideal world, divorce coaches would be brought in at the very beginning. That would allow us to help them understand the process, explore all their divorce options and if they do choose to work with an attorney, assist them in identifying their needs and interview questions targeted to their specific case.
And once that relationship is established, we can provide enormous value in guiding the client to take charge of their own divorce, be a credible client, communicate effectively, and be assertive when the relationship isn't meeting their needs. We can also help them assess if they are contributing to the problems that exist or if they need to change counsel.
You have the opportunity and, we would argue, responsibility to consistently speak to potential clients through your marketing materials and in your consult calls about the benefits of making a divorce coach the first member of their team.
We can make a difference for families.
You can learn more about DCA™ or find out about any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:
Today's discussion is all about how to start making money in your divorce coaching practice. We see far too many talented professionals ditch their dreams of achieving financial success and want to share some tips for hitting your first $10k without all the expense or heartache.
Being a great coach with impeccable coaching skills is one part of the equation, but if you're not selling to those you come in contact with in your daily life, you're missing out on the relationships and referral opportunities that can jumpstart your business.
Statistics show that 20% of small business fail within the first year (OUCH) and we don't want you to be a statistic!
Listen in as we share the four keys to accelerate making money in your business:
1. Share your elevator speech 2. Close consult calls 3. Nail the takeaway and celebrate results 4. Ask for the referral
As a professional divorce coach, you have the solution to your potential client's problem. Remember that by sharing that message (selling) you are making sure the client doesn't walk away with that problem still in their hands (helping).
DCA™ is committed to your success as a practicing, professional divorce coach and that means helping you reach your financial goals.
You can learn more about DCA™ or find out about any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:
Tracy and Jennifer shared an intimate conversation about the role of professional divorce coaching, the inspiration behind Jennifer's book, her writing process, and why she believes having a framework can help couples make divorce less difficult.
Jennifer says her book is like "having a divorce coach in your pocket" and shares how emotional management and conflict resolution skills play such a big part in helping families experience a less traumatic divorce process and move forward more successfully.
Listen in as Tracy and Jennifer talk about the power of divorce coaching and reminisce back to the time when Tracy was Jennifer's mentor in the CDC program. The mutual admiration is an inspiration to all of us in the profession.
We're excited to bring you another spotlight coach interview with our CDC colleague Cindy Stibbard.
Cindy is the driven and compassionate entrepreneur and CEO behind Divorce ReDefined, her Vancouver-based separation and divorce coaching practice. After going through her own high-conflict divorce, this passionate and determined mother of two, became inspired to help others successfully navigate this difficult time in their lives. As a Certified Divorce Coach® and Certified Divorce Specialist, and trained Relationship Discernment/Decision Coach, Cindy created her unique practice to help people on an international level through every stage of their divorce.
Cindy was gracious enough to spend some time with Debra to chat about how divorce coaches play a key role in helping those going through divorce choose the right professionals for their team.
We talked about how the divorce coach is the most underrated player in divorce today. Cindy uses the analogy of a concierge to describe how a coach works as the single go-to person who helps clients find the resources and information they need to feel informed and in control.
Cindy and Debra examine why having the right professionals involved can set clients up for successful negotiation, good decision making, lower costs, better co-parenting relationships, and better outcomes.
Divorce coaches truly do play a critical role in helping clients build their professional dream team.
First impressions matter and it's never more important than when you're onboarding a new client. Once you've had that consult call and the client says "yes", the next experiences they have with you set the tone for the rest of your coaching relationship.
Listen in as Tracy and Debra talk through the 5 critical steps that create a foundation for a smooth and professional relationship with clients. Whether you use a coaching platform, a scheduling system, or prefer a more manual approach, having a standard, repeatable process means a hassle-free experience for both you and your clients.
We also discuss the idea that professional expectations beget professional respect. Maintaining good boundaries with clients enables them to take responsibility for their own coaching results. We are not in the business of doing the work for clients, but offering an environment where they are invited to be self-directed and take control of their own process.
As professionals in the divorce space, divorce coaches want to be seen as credible, valuable team members - and a professional client experience helps build that reputation. If you haven't taken the time to up-level your client onboarding process, we encourage you take some tips from today's episode. Both you and your clients will benefit.
You can learn more about DCA™ or find out about any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:
Interpersonal conflict is a part of our everyday lives, but divorce can magnify any conflict that already existed in the marriage. Tracy refers to divorce as a conflict petri dish.
In today's episode, we talk about how getting additional training to become a conflict resolution expert can provide your clients with even more tools and skills to manage conflict during divorce and beyond.
Families spend an exorbitant amount of money on divorce because the process is unfamiliar (read scary) and they don't have the skills necessary to engage in productive conflict and negotiation. We believe highly skilled divorce coaches can change that.
Although most divorce coach training programs introduce the concepts of conflict resolution, our 6-week DCA™ Divorce Conflict Coach training offers the next level of expertise you need to truly help clients make that shift. Debra gives a sneak peek into the upcoming class by sharing some of the goals for working with clients in conflict and a few of the characters you'll meet in class (you'll love Raging Regina, Clueless Carl and the rest of the bunch).
The next session begins August 25 and we hope you'll consider adding this specialty to your divorce coaching practice. You'll get some cool letters after your name and your clients will get better outcomes. And those are both good for your business.
You can learn more about DCA™ or find out about any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:
We are thrilled to bring you another coach spotlight interview today with fellow CDC Ashley Wood, also known as The Conscious CoParent.
Ashley Wood is a CDC Certified Divorce Coach® in service to parents who feel overwhelmed by divorce, hopeless about co-parenting, and concerned about how living in two homes may impact their children. As a coach Ashley helps parents regain a clear sense of direction, reduce conflict with their former partner and support their children’s growth and resilience through all of the challenges and changes associated with family restructuring.
Ashley says a common question she gets from clients is whether they should be co-parenting or parallel parenting. She encourages them to take a step back and examine their own needs, their own best self/core values, and how they want to model resilience to their children.
She and Tracy talk about how the foundation of divorce coaching and the concept of exploring our best selves is so critical when it comes to making it through all the big changes that divorce and co-parenting require of us. Ashley reminds us that children's ability to be resilient and make it through this process are based on 3 main factors:
1) The parent's ability to support a healthy relationship with the other parent 2) The parent's ability to reduce the child's exposure to conflict 3) The parent's ability to focus on their own parenting skills
While we can work with our clients to communicate effectively with BIFF or EAR statements, the bottom line is that we cannot control anything our co-parent does or doesn't do. We can help our clients continue live well and be the best parents they can be regardless of how the other parent behaves.
Work with clients to prioritize their own needs, establish boundaries, and let go of the need for control - these are the keys to a post divorce life of peace for themselves and their children.
You can find Ashley at the following links:
Website: www.ashleywooddivorcecoach.com Social Media (IG, TikTok, FB etc.) @theconsciouscoparent Podcast: Split. The After Ever After Podcast FREE Support Group via Circles App: The Conscious CoParent Connection
You can learn more about DCA™ or find out about any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:
Divorce coaching is still a relatively new profession and today Tracy and Debra talk about what you can do on an individual level to help spread the word about the value we add for clients going through the divorce process.
It all starts with professionalism in your individual practice and insuring that each and every client has a great experience with you. Next step is talking about what you do in your local community and don't underestimate the power of that elevator speech. Being able to accurately describe what you do in a couple of short, impactful sentences goes a long way with people you meet.
Then there are the State and National organizations like the ABA, APFM, AFCC, IDFA and others where divorce professionals gather. They offer conferences, continuing education, and presenting and writing opportunities. And finally, mentoring new divorce coaches is another way to invest in the future of the profession.
Individual Practice Standards
Community Involvement
State Organization Connections
National Organization Membership
Continuing Professional Education
Mentoring
However, let's not overlook the importance of mindset when it comes to advocacy work. You must have the confidence to speak up, the belief that you deserve a seat at the table. When you are operating as a professional and are committed divorce coaching as a credible profession in the divorce space, then you'll be ready to start your own advocacy campaign.
We invite you to join us on the 1st and 3rd Tuesdays for our Case Consultation & Mastermind Group if you'd like to brainstorm ideas or get some encouragement.
You can learn more about DCA™ or find out about any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:
Do you feel pressured to be all over social media? Are you spending hours designing posts, creating reels, and trying to gain followers? Do you love it or do you avoid it like the plague?
In today's episode, we talk about the phenomena of social media and how divorce coaches can make smart choices around their use of social media as a business strategy. The keyword here is strategy and we encourage coaches to be clear on the reason behind their use of social media. There are many reasons you might choose to have a social media presence including:
Credibility
Brand awareness
Community engagement
Lead generation
Product sales
Once you're clear on the purpose (strategy) behind your social media, the next key is to track your metrics to be sure you're achieving your goals. Debra shares a favorite quote by Lori Taylor "Fans are vanity, but sales are sanity". If you have 10k followers, but aren't booking any clients, is that a successful strategy? Is it worth the time and effort you spend every week?
What if you hate social media? Then don't do it! There are many successful divorce coaches in the space who have no social media presence - they are finding their clients through grassroots marketing efforts. Check out the episode Making Your First $10k: Relationships and Referrals for more on this powerful strategy.
Social media can be one tool in your marketing arsenal, but as with all marketing strategies, your goal should be to use it with intention.
You can learn more about DCA™ or find out about any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:
What's a divorce coach? How you answer that question is important for 2 reasons. It's an opportunity to advocate for the profession and you have the chance to do some grassroots marketing. In today's episode, Tracy and Debra dive into the specifics of how you can answer this in a concise and impactful way.
Professional divorce coaches work with clients along a big continuum and provide so many benefits, it might feel hard to answer this question without rambling on and on. But remember, the person on the receiving end probably doesn't want to drink from a firehose. Give them a 15 second elevator pitch version - an appetizer so to speak - and then see if they ask for more.
Debra offers a template you can use to craft your own elevator pitch. You may want to create a few different versions depending on whether you are talking with an attorney, a soccer mom, or a local businessperson. Speaking with targeted language will help your listener connect and get your message heard.
The first 15 seconds of your answer to the question "what's a divorce coach?" are critical to advocating for the profession and planting the seed for future sales. Be intentional about what you say and how you say it.
You can learn more about DCA™ or find out about any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:
This week we want to encourage you to talk money with your clients. Financial professionals (like CDFA's, CPA's, and forensic accountants) certainly play a role in divorce, but as a divorce coach, we don't want you to be afraid to dive into the topic too.
It doesn't matter if calculators make you nervous or you failed high school algebra, you can provide a lot of value working with your client on at least these 2 things: 1) their divorce budget and 2) their post-divorce budget.
We know you're already talking with clients about the options available to them for ending their marriages (pro se, mediation, litigation, etc...), but are you discussing how much money they want to spend ? A divorce budget is simply being intentional about choosing a process and making decisions that don't put your client in difficult position after divorce. You're simply asking them to consider where they will get the money and how it will affect their future well-being if they spend $20k, $50k, or $100k in legal fees.
Next, you are MORE than qualified to start helping them tackle the idea of a post-divorce budget. In other words, how much is it going to cost them on a monthly basis to live on their own? Where will they live? Can they qualify to refinance the house and afford all the associated expenses? How much will health insurance be? This work shouldn't be put off because it is an important filter through which your client will be making divorce decisions like:
Whether to keep the house
How much spousal support they need
If they need to work and much they need to earn
If trading retirement assets or investment accounts makes sense
As their case progresses, there may be a need to add a financial professional to the team, but don't shy away from starting these discussions with your client. There's a lot of good reality testing that can happen here.
You can learn more about DCA™ or find out about any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:
According to social media, just about everyone is divorcing a narcissist. And you may be hearing this from your clients. In this week's episode, we talk about why it's important to work with clients to drop the label and focus on strategy.
NPD (narcissistic personality disorder) is fairly rare, but if we look at the diagnostic criteria, we can see a ton of overlap between NPD and the self-interested behaviors we see from scared, angry people going through divorce. What we call "good people behaving badly".
Regardless of whether your client is divorcing someone with NPD, someone who's a total jerk, or someone who's just really angry right now, the truth is that they have a choice to make. They can obsess over their spouse's bad behavior or they can turn their attention to what they do have control over. They also have a choice as to whether they show up with a can of gasoline and some matches or they show up with a fire extinguisher.
By focusing on the label of "narcissist", clients can set themselves up for a couple of problems. First, they may create unrealistic expectations that proving "narcissism" will create an outcome in their favor. You all know from experience, that it isn't labels or diagnoses that impact parenting plans or property settlements, it is evidence of behaviors. So help them shift to strategy and create documentation rather than trying to prove that their spouse is a jerk.
Second, continuing to use that label of "narcissist" can allow our clients to perpetuate the story that something is happening "to" them and it leaves them feeling helpless, hopeless, and powerless. Instead, let's help them focus on the strategies of protect and respond. Use the legal system to get agreements and orders to protect themselves AND be prepared to respond in a way that saves their sanity if their spouse or ex continues to behave badly.
If your client is divorcing one of these HCP's (high conflict personalities), you can also help them head off future conflicts by using powerful questioning to identify specific details they might want to include in their divorce agreements to eliminate ambiguity.
You can learn more about DCA™ or find out about any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:
Are you a relatively new divorce coach and wondering when the money going to start coming in? How long does it really take to start making a living at this? In this week's episode, Tracy and Debra give you the unvarnished truth about what (and how long) it really takes to get a successful divorce coaching practice up and going.
As a solopreneur, how do you know what's normal? If you look at Instagram and TikTok, it might seem like every coach is making $10k a month within their first 90 days. We're here to tell you that's a bunch of BS. It's not you - you are not failing.
Realistically, a new business venture takes 18-24 months to get to the point where it is profitable enough to be paying your (reasonable) monthly bills. And that's if you're putting in a significant amount of effort. If you're pursuing it as a side gig, extend that timeline quite a bit.
And, remember, you're not just starting a new business, you're starting a new business in a new profession. If you say you're a carpenter, everyone understands what you do. A divorce coach? Not so much. Check out our episode You're a What? How to Effectively Describe What You Do As a Divorce Coachfor some tips on how to talk about our profession.
Business planning is critical. What timeframe have you allowed yourself? What income targets have you set? Are you targets reasonable - have you considered taxes and expenses? Are you having enough conversations?
Pro bono coaching is awesome - we love that you're doing that. I's a great way to get experience and put some raving fans out there in the world. But when is it time to move them into paid status? Resist imposter syndrome and the temptation to undervalue yourself. And finally, throwing more money at other "experts" like business and social media coaches who don't know our niche isn't likely to accelerate this business building process - it's just going to leave you with the same frustrations and less money in the bank.
We believe in you and your ability to achieve financial success divorce coach. We can help.
You can learn more about DCA™ or find out about any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:
We know the best way to help children in divorce is to insure an ongoing, stable, loving relationship with both parents. But in reality, that's not always easy for our clients. Co-parenting can be a nightmare. Today, we discuss how, as divorce coaches, we can support our clients shift in mindset to be able to communicate effectively and shield their kids from the conflict.
Sometimes the hardest transition is parents moving from being stakeholders in each other's lives as a married couple to business partners whose only concern is their children. Restructuring that relationship can take some time. We can help clients identify other times in their lives when they've had to forge an effective working relationship with someone they didn't like. How were they able to do and how can they use those skills and strategies to manage their new co-parenting relationship?
We can also hold a mirror up and ask our client to examine if any of their behaviors are contributing the the trouble. In other words, are they failing to check their own sh&t? One person absolutely has the ability to create a shift in the relationship dynamic and if your client is throwing fuel on the fire, then they need to have some accountability for that.
And don't forget to spread hope. Hope that everyone is in crisis right now, everything is uncertain. It's entirely possible that once the ink is dry on their agreement and things settle down, their co-parenting relationship may experience a shift as well. Sometimes a few months or a year makes a big difference.
The best news? Strategic communication is a skill that can be learned. Partner with your client to craft those effective BIFF responses. You'll be amazed at the transformation as they begin to write their own strategic responses and get to experience that peace and freedom. And help them understand the implications of failing to take a pause. When they react emotionally and fire off that nasty text or email, it could compromise their case.
Be sure to check out our Conflicted Co-Parent Divorce Coach Training Intensive if you're interested in adding this specialty to your divorce coaching practice.
You can learn more about DCA™ or find out about any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:
Marketing isn't just about getting your name out there in front of potential clients. You also need to make some big decisions about what products you're selling and for how much. In this week's episode, Tracy and Debra talk through some of the factors to consider when you are putting together your programs, packages, and pricing.
First things first...and that means speaking to your client's problem, their pain point. What are they struggling with and how can you help? Listen to the episode "You're a What? How to Effectively Describe What You Do As a Divorce Coach" for some tips on how to craft the specific language you can use to speak directly to your audience. These "problems" are the basis for your programs - or the types of services you offer.
Next, you'll need to decide what kind of commitment you're asking from your client - these are your packages. Because coaching is relationship based and action oriented, most coaches find that offering single sessions doesn't get the client results they're looking for. They prefer 3, 6 or 8 session packages. This allows for trust building, feedback loops, and real transformation. It also allows enough time to develop traction and results that keep the client engaged for a longer term.
Finally, there's pricing. Your individual pricing may be driven by a number of things, but primarily we find that geography and level of service are the primary considerations. If attorneys in your area charge $500/hr, then you may be able to charge more than someone who lives where attorney rates are $200/hr. And are you offering concierge level service where you are accessible at all times and for unlimited calls and texts or do you limit yourself to session times? You'll want to price accordingly and explain that to your clients.
You can learn more about DCA™ or find out about any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:
One of the hardest parts of divorce for any parent is the idea of losing time with their children. In this episode, we discuss how divorce coaches can help clients process some of the obstacles that get in the way of crafting parenting plans that focus on the needs of the children instead of the needs of the parents to maintain their identity.
Navigating timesharing and decision making can tough issues when it comes to designing a parenting plan. Neither parent wants to feel as if they're being delegated to take a back seat in their child's life When parents feel that the role they've played is being threatened, emotions run high and negotiations stall.
Our job as divorce coaches is to help our clients shift their mindset and understand that their status or position as "mom" or "dad" is not defined by the percentage of time the children spend with them. Their status as a parent is irrefutable and unchanging. Their ability to be the "math homework helper" or "boyfriend breakup counselor" or "soccer team cheerleader" is not altered by a calendar.
The child's perception of their parent's identity has not changed. Children do not see their moms or dads differently because they are not physically present. The only thing that will cause a child to view their parent otherwise is a parents' own actions. Gatekeeping behaviors like making disparaging comments or restricting access can confuse children about parental roles - timesharing does not.
The big question we can help clients answer is: "Am I making this about me or am I making it about my child?" This isn't easy work. Holding up a mirror to help clients see and move past their identity threats requires a lot of affirmation and validation. And it requires helping them shift from seeing it as a loss of identity to an opportunity to expand their identity.
You can learn more about DCA™ or find out about any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:
Catchy title, huh? This week we're not discussing the pros and cons of whether you and your clients use colorful language in session, we are talking about being mindful of the language we use and the impact it can have on the coaching experience for clients.
One of the main goals of coaching is to help your client self-discover their own goals and priorities so they can make decisions that are right for them. They likely have a lot of people around them telling them what to do. When we use phrases like "I think", "I believe", or "You should", we become just another one of those voices. It takes the spotlight off of them and puts it on you as the authority. Resist the urge to tell, and reframe those as powerful questions to help the client determine their own path.
In the interest of showing empathy, we often hear coaches say "I understand". And while that may seem validating, we run the risk of minimizing their unique feelings and experiences when we say that. Clients want to feel heard and understood, but they also want to feel special. We challenge you to find ways to validate them and say "I hear you" while respecting that no one else (even if you've had a similar experience) feels what they feel.
And finally, let's avoid making promises we may not be able to keep. While it's tempting to want to reassure clients with "It's going to be OK" or "You're going to be fine", we don't know that we can deliver that. And your definition of "OK" may be very different from your client's. It is much more accurate to say that you'll be with them on every step of the way or you'll be their biggest supporter and encourager.
Next time you're in session, be mindful of these and other phrases that could negatively affect your client's ability to get the most value of your relationship.
You can learn more about DCA™ or find out about any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:
Are you tempted to skip the paperwork and start working with a client before you have a signed coaching agreement in place? In today's episode, Tracy and Debra discuss the importance of those coaching agreements for your practice and your protection.
First things first. Professionals require agreements or contracts before they commence work - attorneys, mediators, contractors, doctors, massage therapists - all require us to sign some kind of agreement that outlines the rules of engagement. If we want to be seen as professional, why would we provide services without an agreement (or payment)?
An agreement is critical to making sure you and your client both clearly understand the expectations within your coaching relationship. Providing details about services and confidentiality can increase client confidence and trust in you. But you aren't just helping people through their divorce, you're running a business. And your business deserves protection, so be thorough about defining the limitations of your coaching and don't forget those financial boundaries.
Ok, it's important, but what should your agreement include? Here are some of the components we review in today's episode:
Roles and responsibilities of the coach and the client
Services included
Payment policy
Cancellation policy
Refund policy
Confidentiality
Indemnification
Whether you choose an automated solution like Debra or a more manual one like Tracy, we encourage you to create an agreement that works for you and set that professional boundary that work does not commence until a signed agreement is in place.
You can learn more about DCA™ or find out about any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:
Last week we talked in some detail about the importance of having a signed coaching agreement in place with clients. This week we expand upon that by diving into the topic of professional boundaries - those necessary limits we must set to protect ourselves, our businesses, and our mental health.
Let's begin with the whole idea of professional expectations. Every business has policies and procedures that outline the who, what, how much, and when of the relationship. Do you expect your doctor, who sees hundreds of patients, to disregard his or her office policies for you? We're guessing you don't. You accept those boundaries because you respect their time and their expertise as a professional.
Boundaries are simply teaching people how to treat us. One of the first rules of boundary work is identifying where we are violating our own boundaries. When we are feeling resentful, put upon, take advantage of, or angry ... it's time to evaluate if a boundary is missing or an existing boundary is ineffective.
If a consult call is scheduled for 30 minutes but it goes for an hour, you need to own that you are allowing that. Same goes for session times. If you're late to the next client because the previous client ran over, that's affecting your business. If you find this is happening, re-evaluate what action you need to take to end those calls on time.
Other common situations include cancellations, reschedules, and requests for out-of-session text, phone or email support. What policies are set out in your coaching agreement and are you executing those consistently? If your agreement says that clients get one cancellation with less than 24 hours notice before they are charged and you let a client cancel last minute 3 or 4 times without charging them, you need to ask yourself what is preventing you from following through on that policy?
We encourage you to be intentional about your policies. Take time to review what's working for you, what's not, and what's missing. Then update your agreement accordingly and be consistent in protecting your own professional boundaries.
You can learn more about DCA™ or find out about any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:
Bring on the haters, but we're gonna say it. We don't recommend attorneys or other divorce professionals to clients. And we think it's risky business for coaches to do it.
In this week's episode, Tracy and Debra chat about the reasons they don't share lists of recommended professionals with clients. Aside from the fact that both of them work nationally and internationally, it's not a practice they employ with local clients either.
The number one reason is because it takes away the client's agency. It strips them of the power to make their own divorce decisions. Coaching is about helping the client self-discover what they want and what they need, so why would choosing an attorney or a CDFA be any different?
Often clients come to us feeling overwhelmed, uniformed, and anxious about what to do next. We add the most value to helping them explore their fears, prioritize their needs, and determine what information they need. If they decide they need some outside expertise, we can best support them by identifying the interview questions they need to ask to determine if a given professional is the best fit for them. Then after those interviews, we can process what they learned so they can make the right choice for themselves.
One of the risks we run when recommending or referring is that we can't know who is fit for an individual client. Just because a previous client had a good experience doesn't mean that this client will. And if they don't? Now you're in the hot seat. And that's not good for your coaching relationship or your business.
Your best bet is to stick with coaching rule #1 - Ask, Don't Tell. Use your powerful questioning skills rather than giving your client a list. You'll be protected and it will serve your client better in the long run as they gain confidence to make their own decisions.
You can learn more about DCA™ or find out about any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:
Being a solopreneur as a divorce coach is hard. but we don't want you to feel like you have to do it alone. In this week's episode, Tracy and Debra talk about why they believe every coach should have a community.
According to an ICF (International Coaching Federation) study, 4 out of 5 coaches fail. We find that shocking and are committed to doing everything we can to insure that those statistics do not apply to divorce coaches. That's why we established the Case Consultation & Mastermind Group and frankly, we don't understand why more coaches aren't taking advantage of it.
Therapists are required to have some sort of clinical supervision on an ongoing basis to insure 1) standards of practice are being met and 2) self-care and professional growth are being prioritized. Why should the "helping profession" of coaching be any different?
Divorce coaches are entrusted with helping clients make some of the most important decisions of their lives and the work we do often involves a ton of heavy stuff. Who is supporting you when you feel overwhelmed by the weight of it? Where is the community you can go to for refreshment, new ideas, encouragement? Who helps when you aren't getting the financial results or client success you hoped for?
We urge you to consider joining us. We don't want you to burn out or give up. We want to offer the professional, supportive environment you need to keep going and keep advancing. You really don't have to do this alone - we have a village just waiting for you.
You can learn more about DCA™ or find out about any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:
You had your own divorce experience and felt called to become a professional divorce coach to support others through the process so they could have what you needed. We applaud you for wanting to make divorce different for others. But in this week's episode, we are telling a cautionary tale to remind everyone of the importance of coaching from our scar, and not from our wound.
When coaches aren't able to set aside their own personal divorce experience, it's much more likely they will hear the client through their personal filter and step out of neutrality. We begin to hear phrases like "you should" that indicate the coach is putting on their superhero cape and trying to save the client rather than asking the curious questions that allow the client to self-discover.
We're inviting you this week to reflect, to look closely in the mirror, and examine if there is anything clouding your vision. Do you find yourself having strong emotional reactions or getting triggered? Do you hear yourself making recommendations instead of asking questions? Are you feeling the urge to save your client from making a mistake that you made? Are you making assumptions about their spouse or their situation based on your experience?
If so, we encourage you to spend some time processing that and identifying where you might still need to do some healing. We also encourage you to join our Case Consultation & Mastermind Group - it's a safe space for you to get feedback to explore if your vision is clear or cloudy.
Absolutely, use your divorce experience - it adds great value to your coaching practice. Just be sure your wound is healed so you don't bleed on your clients.
You can learn more about DCA™ or find out about any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:
Did you know that, at least in the US, the first business day in January is known as "National Divorce Day"? That's because historically that's the day that family law attorneys get the most inquiries from people thinking about starting the divorce process.
There are many reasons January is the heaviest month for divorce filings. It might be that it's a new year and they can't imagine spending yet another year in that unfulfilling marriage. Or perhaps the stress of the holidays put them over the edge. Or they made a decision months ago and have just been hanging on until the holidays are over and the kids are back in school.
Whatever the reason, we want you to be thinking about how you are preparing right now for the increase in potential clients.
We know that divorce coaches can be extremely helpful and effective when brought in at the very beginning - before that client hires an attorney. So how are you using your marketing language to help potential clients understand that value? What are you posting on social media? What are you saying when people ask what you do?
The current economic climate is a perfect opportunity to talk about saving money on divorce. Most people are seeing a hit to their property values, investments, and retirement accounts so there is even less to divide now. As a divorce coach, how are you communicating the benefits you offer in helping them choose a less expensive process, make better decisions, and manage emotions - all of which reduce their costs.
If you want to build your practice in 2023, we urge you to intentionally get ready for National Divorce Day.
You can learn more about DCA™ or find out about any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:
Today on the podcast we're doing some myth busting. If you think you're bad at math or have been afraid to dive into divorce financial matters with your clients, then keep listening. We're going to give you the confidence to jump into the deep end.
Of course financial professionals provide a ton of value in divorce and they serve a necessary role. Nobody wants amateurs valuing a business or valuing a pension, doing forensic or fraud investigation, or providing tax advice. BUT, and it's a big but ... there is so much you CAN do with clients to help them make good decisions.
That's why we're offering the Financial Foundations from a CDFA 4-week course starting in January 2023. To give you the information, tools, and even spreadsheets you need to do this foundational work with clients.
So many clients show up with $$$ fears - are they going to have enough? This is an answerable question starting with the client's budget. First their divorce budget - how much do they want to spend on their divorce, how much do they have available, and what process and what decisions would they have to choose to stay within that amount? And next, their monthly budget. What are their cash flow needs. You can work to help them identify both of these. You can also help them document their assets and debts and begin to create proposals that address their needs.
And when an outside financial professional is needed, you'll work with your client to determine who they want to hire and the scope of work they want to have done.
There's no need to punt all the financial work to the pros when you've got a CDFA to show you how to do it!
You can learn more about DCA™ or find out about any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:
In this week's episode, Debra is joined by recent DCA™ Divorce Conflict Coaching graduates Dori Braddell and Sue Horwitz to talk about their experience in the training and how they've been able to put their new skills to use.
Dori and Sue were gracious enough to take time out of their busy schedules to discuss how they had been struggling with helping clients manage conflict, what prompted them to enroll in the course, and the biggest takeaways they got from the experience.
Both are certified divorce coaches who have significant training and experience under their belts, and yet, they were missing the science behind conflict, the specific tools to use with clients, and the confidence to lean in.
Listen in as they share what a difference conflict coaching has made in their coaching practice and for their clients. We hope you'll consider adding this speciality training to your 2023 professional development calendar.
If you'd like to be the first to know when the next session of DCA™ Divorce Conflict Coaching opens, join the wait list today.
Feel free to reach out to Dori or Sue to ask them ALL the questions about their experience in the class. Trust us, they're believers!
Do you secretly struggle with imposter syndrome? Maybe you don't recognize it as that, but it can show up in sneaky ways that prevent coaches from stepping into their full potential. In today's episode, we talk about the many ways we see imposter syndrome present in new coaches and what you can do to see it and challenge it.
We work with coaches all the time on their failure to close consult calls, agonizing over pricing and packages, taking on too much pro bono work, having porous boundaries with clients or being afraid to follow up. It also looks like perfectionism, analysis paralysis, or taking training after training to feel good enough. Imposter syndrome sounds like "I don't feel like I should", "I don't feel like I can", and "I don't feel like I'm ready".
It all boils down to the question "Am I good enough?" And when coaches struggle with that self-doubt, they become a barrier to their own success. But it can be overcome by looking at ourselves realistically and then addressing what needs to be changed.
First things first. There is no wrong way to be you. Second, let's acknowledge that you are a pioneer - you are forging a new path in a profession that is relatively new. There's no clear roadmap for you to follow or measuring stick to assure you that you're "doing it right". The good news is that gives you the freedom to do it your way.
One of the keys to clearing out that self-doubt is a supportive, encouraging community with professional mentoring. A place like our Case Consultation & Mastermind Group where we can help you reflect, correct, and gain the confidence you need to get out there and reach for your goals.
If any of this is resonating with you, we encourage you to join our community and let us help you kick imposter syndrome to the curb.
You can learn more about DCA™ or find out about any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:
We're so excited we're about to bust at the seams. Because we've been invited to present at the ABA (yes, that's the American Bar Association) Dispute Resolution Spring Conference in Las Vegas in May. Advocating for the profession of divorce coaching is one of our core values and we're thrilled to be able to raise awareness about the great work you're doing for families!
And we're going to talk about you! The title of our presentation is: How Divorce Coaching Prepares Individuals for Effective Conflict Resolution.
Why is this such a big deal you ask? Because, according to the ABA website, this is the "largest ADR conference in the world. Attendees gather to learn the latest in dispute resolution techniques and trends, exchange ideas with the experts and their peers, and strengthen professional relationships. The conference is the meeting place for dispute resolution leaders, mediators, arbitrators, ombuds, judges, attorney advocates, court administrators, neutral providers, ADR consumers, and legal educators."
The theme of the conference is Leading Change Through ADR: Strategies for Navigating Our World Today and they asked us to answer the question "How can our community lead the way towards empowerment and self-advocacy?"
Empowerment and self-advocacy? That's our wheelhouse! What an amazing opportunity to have the chance to speak to such a diverse and important group of ADR professionals about the value of professional divorce coaching. When individuals have the personal support they need to engage in the process with the necessary skills to resolve conflict, negotiate, and get to agreement, the ADR community as a whole benefits. No matter which ADR process our clients participate in, they are more likely to show up with the skills to manage emotions, de-escalate conflict and productively move toward resolution.
Win-Win! And what a way to celebrate the new year!
We're thinking (not overthinking) about our upcoming book club on Jan 25 and our read this month is "Soundtracks" by Jon Acuff. The author tells us that "when we don't control our thoughts, our thoughts control us. If our days are full of broken soundtracks, thoughts are our worst enemy, holding us back from the things we really want. But the solution to overthinking isn't to stop thinking. The solution is running our brains with better soundtracks."
And that got us talking about how we see both coaches and clients get stuck in the trap of overthinking. The consequence when we overthink is that it makes us feel stuck, and when we feel stuck, we don't take action. We linger and feel worse.
Some of the causes of overthinking for both coaches and clients are:
Rigid thinking: all or nothing, black or white, succeed or fail Perfectionism: the desire to control the outcome, being risk averse People pleasing: too much input creates confusion and overwhelm Lack of confidence: don't trust ourselves to make the right choice Decision fatigue: overwhelmed by the number of decisions that need to be made
If overthinking is keeping you or your clients stuck, here are some of the tips we talked about:
1. Recognize that you're not taking action and be self-aware that you're stuck 2. Give yourself permission to have a growth mindset, to be imperfect 3. Limit forecasting too far in the future, just take the next right step 4. Assume you might do it wrong because it's your f'ing first time
And a few reflection questions to dig deeper:
Q1: What is the cost if I continue to delay making this decision? Q2: What's the worst thing that could happen if this choice turns out not to be the right choice for me in the future? Q3: What am I afraid of?
Put words to your fears and reality test what's really getting in your way. Then you'll be on your way to changing your overthinking from a super problem into a superpower.
You can learn more about DCA™ or find out about any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:
It's gonna be OK. You're going to get through this just fine. You'll be so glad when it's over. Focus on the good.
In today's episode, we unpack why we believe these kinds of statements aren't just ineffective from a coaching standpoint, but can actually harm clients.
Toxic positivity is defined as the act of avoiding, suppressing, or rejecting negative emotions or experiences. This is not optimism, this is repression or denial. And when we, as coaches, reject or deny the negative feelings our clients are expressing, we block the ability for them to process the story of their divorce.
We can even take it so far as to say it can be a form of gaslighting when we deny a client's feelings. They're telling us something is hurtful or painful, and if we respond with a placating, positive statement like "you'll be fine" or "it's going to be OK", we have essentially gaslit them by denying their feelings.
Our job is to validate their feelings. To recognize their negative emotions and help them sort through them so that they can take appropriate action. Our role is to be a coach, not a cheerleader.
Listen in for a great analogy from college football and some coaching alternatives to standard toxic positivity responses.
You can learn more about DCA™ or find out about any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:
Today we're preaching about the much overlooked topic of the divorce budget. That means talking with your client early on in your coaching relationship about the amount of money they'd like to spend on their divorce.
Why is that so important? Because they can't get a Lamborghini divorce on a Kia budget.
Cultural norms tell people that if they want to get divorced, they have to hire a full-scope attorney. And yet we hear consistently from clients that they aren't happy with their attorney-client relationship. And that's because they jumped the gun. They hired someone before they thought through their divorce budget.
A lawyers.com study revealed that 75% of respondents hired an attorney to get their attorney fees paid for. What? They hired an attorney and then had to pay the attorney they couldn't afford to try to argue that their spouse should pay their attorney fees? That's some backwards thinking.
When clients start divorce without an understanding of the process, without preparation or without thinking through the implications of their decisions, they set themselves up to be a passenger on a runaway train. Costs and conflict can escalate before they know what happened.
If you're fortunate enough to work with a client at the very beginning stages of their divorce, we really encourage you to have this divorce budget conversation with them. It will help them make intentional decisions that are in alignment with their goals and insure that they aren't spending money on legal and professional fees that would be better spent on a kid's college, a downpayment on a house, or starting a business.
If your client wants a Kia divorce, they need help to be accountable that their actions and choices will help them achieve that goal. Otherwise, they might end up with a really expensive car they can't afford.
You can learn more about DCA™ or find out about any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:
Attorney-client relationships are complicated in divorce. And we're guessing that you hear the same common complaints that we do - clients are frustrated that they aren't able to communicate with their attorney in a way that feels effective.
This week we're talking about some of the issues that contribute to this dynamic and what you, as a coach, can do to support your client in taking steps to improve communication with their attorney.
First, you can assist your client in turning their fears into questions. Rather than dumping all their emotions and anxiety into an email to their attorney, help them distill all of that into a few specific legal questions. That will ensure they get the legal advice and guidance they need in a cost effective way. It will help their attorney help them.
Next, you can work with your client to get back in touch with their own power. Especially for those that are coming out of relationships where there's been a power imbalance, they may be deferring to their attorney because they see them as being in power over them.
And finally, you're a great thinking partner to help them assess if it's a relationship that can be turned around or if they'd like to interview some other attorneys to see if they want to look for someone who's a better fit.
No matter what kind of frustration your client is experiencing, your coaching skills can support them in identifying their fears, distilling specific questions, editing emails, sitting in on meetings, and making decisions about changing attorneys. You have the ability to help them take back control of their own divorce process.
You can learn more about DCA™ or find out about any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:
So, we did a thing. After 2 years of offering continuing education for divorce coaches who are already certified, we've made a decision to launch our very own certification training.
Tracy and Debra talk about the reasons why they chose to design and develop their own curriculum and why they believe this program is revolutionary in preparing coaches to work within the new landscape of divorce.
Some of the topics discussed:
The overall shift from family court to mediation and other ADR processes
ADR is still less effective than it could be when the individuals aren't prepared or lack the skills to productively engage in the process
Why we believe these skills can be learned and how they save families time, money, and emotional distress during divorce and beyond
Many coaching programs focus on coaching competencies, litigation strategies, or divorce recovery - ours focuses on getting to agreement
Why our program is designed the way it is - it's longer and requires a mentor coaching component after the educational part of the course
How a coaching certification is just the beginning of your professional training and education
Where to learn more about the program
And lots more
If you're thinking about a career as a professional divorce coach, or know someone who is, please check out our new DCA™ Certified ADR Divorce Coach training. We may be biased (OK, we are), but we believe it is the most current, most comprehensive training on the market.
We recently chatted with Susan Guthrie on the Divorce and Beyond podcast about our new certification and The Future of Divorce Coaching. She's a pretty big fan of our approach and we couldn't be more thrilled to have such a thought leader in the industry. validating our work.
So listen in and spread the word. We're ready to get this revolution started!
You can learn more about DCA™ or find out about any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:
We have a treat for you this week. Tracy is joined by fellow Divorce Coach Michelle Browning who also happens to be a Somatic Experiencing Practitioner.
They discuss the physical experience of divorce and how Michelle's practices help clients come into alignment with their nervous systems.
Michelle says "we're not logical, we're biological" and we can't ignore how the physical body is impacted by all the restructuring that divorce brings. Have you ever been told to "calm down" when you're having a normal human reaction to something? We find out that's a big personal trigger for Tracy. Michelle explains how and why our nervous system gets triggered or activated and how we can create safety in our bodies to return to a more flexible, problem-solving state of being.
When clients' bodies and nervous systems are activated, they may think and behave in ways they normally wouldn't. Michelle explains how this can lead to shame which can feed the conflict cycle.
Listen in for some great coaching tips and for more information about Michelle's upcoming 4-week class at DCA™ - Coaching Divorce Overwhelm: A Somatic Approach which begins on March 13.
You can learn more about DCA™ or find out about any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:
Let's just sum up this episode by saying that self-reflection can be a bitch. As divorce coaches, we frequently ask clients to examine their own unproductive behaviors or thought patterns, consider alternative perspectives, or take actions that feel difficult or scary. This process of pushing clients outside of their comfort zone is what Debra calls a "love shove".
And it's not uncommon for clients to have a reaction, sometimes an angry one, when we ask them to get uncomfortable - especially when it involves reflecting on their own choices, behaviors, or expectations.
In this episode we explore 3 common responses (shut down, push back, and disconnect) that you might get from clients when you've given them a love shove and how you can handle each of them.
Spoiler alert: in most cases, an apology on your part is not warranted. They hired you because what they're doing isn't working and they need your help to make a change. Their reaction to your love shove is typically about their resistance to change and not about your competence or your intention.
When this happens, the first step is always for you to do your own reflective practice. Review the coaching session, how you showed up as a coach, your intentions, and your process. Assuming you stayed in your coaching zone, then we discuss ways to respond to the 3 common client reactions:
Shut down: Lean into their reaction and ask what's going on with them - don't ignore or step over the non-verbal cues Push back: Acknowledge their anger and clarify how you can present these issues to them in the future in a way they can receive it better Disconnect: Give them space to sit with their own feelings until they're ready to re-engage - you don't need to fix it for them
What you've been presented with is an opportunity - a chance to model for them what healthy conflict resolution and relationship repair looks like. Stay in your personal power, allow them to have their feelings, and move toward more effective future communication.
Remember that growth is uncomfortable. If your clients occasionally have strong reactions to your reality testing, managing expectations, or love shoves, that means you're doing your job well. Don't panic.
You can learn more about DCA™ or find out about any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:
When clients punt responsibility for their divorce decisions to others, it's a recipe for regret and resentment. In today's episode, Tracy and Debra discuss why this happens, what the repercussions are for the client, and what you can do to help.
We get it. Clients beginning the divorce process are scared. There's so much they don't understand and many assume they simply go hire an attorney and that's all they need to do. Their attorney will protect them and work for their best interests.
Ah, but it isn't that simple. Abdicating responsibility for decision making to an attorney or other professional just leaves clients feeling confused, disempowered, frustrated, and angry. These are the people that feel victimized and are still talking about their divorce 5 or 10 years after the fact.
If a client wanted to remodel their kitchen, they wouldn't let their contractors set the budget, decide where to put the electrical outlets or choose the backsplash tile. Why are they so quick to hand their power over in divorce?
As a divorce coach, our job is to help our clients take back the reins. To support them in learning to use their voice, ask questions, communicate clearly and directly, and use their divorce team members as contractors. Certainly, they may need the assistance of attorneys or financial professionals for their expertise, but our client is the decision maker.
When you can support your client to stay engaged and be in charge of their own divorce, instead of punting that to someone else, they'll be able to make informed, intentional decisions. And that's a win.
You can learn more about DCA™ or find out about any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:
Trying to decide where to start or what to do next when it comes to your business can feel overwhelming at times. It's easy to see the latest shiny trend and lose focus. Debra and Tracy discuss how to navigate this difficult process, how to simplify your approach, and how to know what's working in today's episode.
When it comes to trying to grow your business, we all tend to look for inspiration from people who are already where you want to be. The important word here though is INSPIRATION! Trying to do everything that person is doing is a surefire way to end up confused and tired.
KISS isn't just a great band, but a good reminder that sometimes less is more. I'm talking about "Keep It Simple Silly"!
It's easy to lose focus of your goal without a proper plan. It's like chucking spaghetti at the wall and seeing what sticks. How are you going to know what's making a difference in your business if you don't know which piece of spaghetti is making the impact?
A great practice to help with this is tracking your Key Performance Indicators (KPI's). Having data specific to each new approach you take will help you understand not only what's bringing in new clients, but how to better allocate your resources.
It's important to remember that new followers or business contacts does not equal new clients. Make sure that what you're doing with your business is bringing in NEW BUSINESS. Followers and contacts don't make you money!
Ask yourself this....are you just making yourself busy or are you getting results?
You can learn more about DCA™ or find out about any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:
We talked last week about what can happen when new coaches get distracted by the latest market trends and shiny objects. This week, we want to continue the conversation and chat about the importance of ongoing professional development. Because growing a divorce coaching practice isn't easy and it's certainly not a one-time event.
A general rule of thumb is to allocate about 10% of your gross revenue to professional development. But keep in mind, that many continuing education expenses are tax-deductible for you if you're self-employed.
By continuing to expand your knowledge, you'll gain confidence and that will translate into a higher consult call conversion rate and raving client fans. Ongoing professional development allows you to dive deeper into areas of interest to help focus your programs and offerings. And expertise or additional certifications provide credibility and/or may allow you to raise your rates over time.
We hear many new coaches say that they can't afford to invest in continuing education because they're not making money yet. But there are tons of free or low cost ways to learn and grow. The ABA, APFM and AFCC all offer affordable memberships for divorce coaches and give you access to free webinars and resources. Your local or state court or bar association may be another source for low-cost or even free educational opportunities.
Not only will you expand your knowledge base, improve your coaching skills, and stay current with the trends in divorce, but you'll meet lots of other professionals that can be referral or collaboration partners.
Certification is just the first step, If you want to keep growing your business, you have to keep growing too.
You can learn more about DCA™ or find out about any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:
Mediation is becoming more and more popular as a means for couples to negotiate their divorce and co-parenting agreements. And many courts are now requiring mediation before hearing or trial dates can be set. But clients who aren’t properly prepared for mediation often make common mistakes that are obstacles to successful negotiation. Today we want to talk about a few of these mistakes and how you, as a divorce coach, can help set your client up for a better mediation experience.
Mistake #1: Not understanding the process or the role of the mediator SOLUTION: Divorce coaches can help clients understand that the mediator is a neutral facilitator and their role is to provide a fair process, not a fair outcome. Clients don't need to "make their case" to the mediator or worry that the mediator will "like" their spouse better. We support our client to identify what kind of mediation process they want, participate in selection of the right mediator, and prepare for engaging effectively in the process.
Mistake #2: Letting emotions run the show SOLUTION: We support our client in developing skills that allow them to respond strategically rather than react emotionally including tools to tolerate distress. We work to help them focus on solutions and the future rather than problems and the past. And we do some reality testing around the idea of emotional justice.
Mistake #3: Being unprepared to negotiate SOLUTION: Divorce coaches can help clients identify underlying interests (both their own and those of the other party) to avoid engaging in positional bargaining. We assist with flexible thinking and proposal development and well as strategic language and decision making.
If you'd like to learn more about helping clients be more prepared for mediation, join the waitlist for the next session of Pre-Mediation Divorce Coach training - a 6-week intensive to get you ready to support clients through the process.
You can learn more about DCA™ or find out about any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:
There’s a lot of confusion out there about what being a certified divorce coach means and why it matters. Advocating for the profession of divorce coaching is part of our mission here at DCA™ and today we’re talking about how important it is that anyone calling themselves a divorce coach have the proper training and credentials.
If we want professional recognition and a seat at the table, we need to start raising the bar. And speaking of bar...recall that the American Bar Association recognizes divorce coaching as a form of alternative dispute resolution. Not advice-giving, advocacy, or consultancy. Not cheerleaders or positive psychology peddlers. And not life coaches.
We are ADR specialists. In order to call ourselves professional divorce coaches, we need to have rigorous training that includes both an ADR foundation and coaching frameworks, demonstrate competency under the guidance of a mentor coach, and adhere to a code of ethics and professional conduct.
One of the things that really muddies the waters in the world of divorce coaching is that there is no international, national or state certifying body. There are many training programs that provide varying levels and types of education, but no overseer that insures these programs align with the ABA ADR-based definition.
Trademarks, logos and taglines are great - but they only mean that a program or organization has protected their name legally, not that they've been granted any authority. And DCA™ does not intend to pursue ICF accreditation because we do not align with their general coaching competencies - more specific tools and skills are required for effective conflict resolution and work as an ADR practitioner.
We hope you'll join us on our mission to raise the bar on the professional practice of divorce coaching so we can all get a seat at the table.
You can learn more about DCA™ or find out about any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:
We talked earlier this year about why we hate toxic positivity and it obviously hit a nerve. It’s one of our most downloaded episodes, so we thought we’d unpack that a little more and spend some time chatting about why we want professional divorce coaches to stop referring to themselves as cheerleaders.
Cheerleader: be an enthusiastic supporter of someone or something
Coach: to teach, motivate, and support team members in reaching their potential
A cheerleader says "Yay, you can do it" but with the skill set you already have. On the other hand, a coach says "You can do it AND I’ll help you figure out what you need to be successful".
Positive thinking or what we call toxic positivity is unhelpful, breaks trust, and can cause damage when clients are struggling with some of the difficulties of divorce. It doesn't include help to acquire the skills or insight to overcome the barriers or be able to accomplish their goals.
Divorce coaching is a form of ADR - our job is to help our clients manage conflict, not ignore it. And in order to do that hard work of skill development or self-reflection, we need to build a foundation of trust by validating the client's feelings, not stepping over them.
In other words, we have to name it to tame it to reframe it. Supporting clients to identify and process those emotions puts them in a better place to be ready to take action in their divorce or co-parenting process. And that's our ultimate goal.
You can learn more about DCA™ or find out about any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:
These days everyone is talking about high conflict divorce, but is it always the other party? Today we thought we’d talk about those times when your client is contributing to the conflict and discuss some strategies for helping them identify when they’re getting in their own way.
Have you heard the saying “it takes two to tango”? That may be true in dance, but in divorce, one person can change the routine. That’s where divorce coaches have the opportunity to help clients recognize when they might be falling into old patterns of conflict that are ineffective.
When we think of times when out client may be the one creating conflict or throwing fuel on the fire, we're reminded of Taylor Swift's song Anti-Hero. The lyrics say:
Me, hi, I'm the problem, it's me At tea time, everybody agrees I'll stare directly at the sun but never in the mirror
It can be difficult for clients to look in the mirror and accept the reality that poor emotional management, ineffective communication, lack of boundaries, unrealistic expectations, and short-term thinking are dialing up the conflict.
As professional divorce coaches, you have a variety of tools you can use to help clients see more clearly. While they may not be able to control their spouse's or co-parent's behavior, they can choose not the throw fuel on the fire. We discuss the stop, drop and roll strategy; BIFF, EAR, and GREATT communication strategies, reality testing, impact assessment, and exploring locus of control.
Martin Luther King, Jr has a famous quote that we adapted slightly here that perfectly reflects this idea that one person can change the dance of conflict:
“[Humans] are called upon not to be like a thermometer conforming to the temperature of [conflict], but [they] must be like a thermostat serving to transform the temperature of [conflict]”.
You can learn more about DCA™ or find out about any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:
Clients don’t always serve up their fears, goals, biases, needs, expectations, assumptions and thinking problems on a silver platter. Often they’re embedded deep inside their stories. One of the most critical skills we develop as coaches is to hear what isn’t being said. In today’s episode we dive into how excellent coaches train themselves to perform these Jedi mind tricks and how you can use those skills to create awareness and transformation for your client.
Why in the world are we calling these Jedi mind tricks? I mean what does Star Wars have to do with divorce coaching? What we’re actually talking about is being so connected to your client and what they’re saying to you that you’re able to use your training , discipline, and intuition to discern which clues, comments, and patterns require further exploration.
And we do that by doing 2 things consistently and doing them well - actively listening and remaining fully present.
Listen in as we explore specific active listening skills, mindfulness techniques, and client scenarios to support you in perfecting your Jedi mind tricks.
You can learn more about DCA™ or find out about any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:
The quickest route to jeopardizing your business is crossing the line and giving clients legal advice. Yes, as divorce coaches, we do support clients through the legal process and we do provide general divorce education, but we need to be very cautious to avoid acting as a legal advocate.
In this week's episode, we review the concept of the unauthorized practice of law, discuss what we can and cannot do as divorce coaches, and talk about the potential outcomes if you overstep your role.
Because divorce is a legal process, the only folks who are permitted to give legal advice are licensed attorneys. While requirements differ slightly from state to state, all states make it illegal to engage in the practice of law without first obtaining a license. Illegal! Anyone engaged in the practice of law without a license is committing a criminal act and is subject to penalties that range from fines to jail time.
Listen in as we talk through a common client scenario and illustrate the difference between coaching and UPL.
The bottom line is this ... if you're staying in the coaching zone and adhering to the principle that we don't tell clients what to do, you won't be in the danger zone.
You can learn more about DCA™ or find out about any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:
Have you ever had a client who is timid about going into mediation because they believe their spouse or co-parent will over-power or try to dominate them? Perhaps they don’t feel like they have the confidence to advocate for themselves? Today we're talking about the concept of psychological power and that’s where we can look to Sasha Fierce for inspiration to help clients prepare to go into that mediation room with confidence.
For those of you who may not know who Sasha Fierce is, she is Beyoncé’s alter ego. She created Sasha Fierce to help her separate her confident on-stage persona from her more timid at-home personality.
And if you've ever seen Beyoncé perform, you may be wondering…timid???? There is nothing timid about her performances; they are bold, sexy, and confident. Well, that's thanks to Sasha Fierce.
As divorce coaches, we can help our clients create their own alter ego and embody a temporary sense of power when they are preparing to mediate. Research has shown that being powerful and feeling powerful have essentially the same impact in negotiations. So whether your client channels Oprah, the Dalai Lama, Batman, or their best friend, the point is that they can increase their perceived psychological power.
Next time you watch a Beyoncé video, think about that. Is she timid or is she Sasha Fierce?
TED Talk on Confidence You can learn more about DCA™ or find out about any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:
Why would someone with decades of experience as a family law attorney and family court judge choose to pursue training as a divorce coach? We invited Chandlee Kuhn, a student in our current cohort, to share her perspective and give you some insights.
Chandlee J. Kuhn is the retired Chief Judge of the Family Court for the State of Delaware. Chief Judge Kuhn recently joined the Family Law Advice Center (FLAC), a limited representation law practice. In her legal role, Judge Kuhn evaluates legal matters and advises clients regarding their Family Court matters. She also coaches her clients to navigate the ups and downs of the legal process and life after Family Court. Judge Kuhn is a Certified Mediator for the Delaware Family Court and the Delaware Superior Court and has devoted her career to serving the community through numerous local and national boards and organizations, including as a Director of the National Council of Juvenile and Family Court Judges, the Executive Committee of the Supreme Court of Delaware, the Delaware Court on the Judiciary, the Child Protection Accountability Commission, the Domestic Violence Coordinating Council, and the Criminal Justice Council of Delaware.
Those are some serious credentials, so we had to ask ... why divorce coach training? Not only does Chandlee have a love of learning, but as she transitions her work with clients to a limited law practice that doesn't litigate, she wanted to have the ability to both approach her cases from a new perspective and market her practice differently.
As an attorney, she is used to giving advice and telling clients what to do. She says one of her biggest AHA moments so far has been that in divorce coaching we teach our clients to navigate for themselves. She's looking forward to letting the client lead their own journey of self-discovery and trust that they have their own answers.
Chandlee was attracted to the DCA certification program because we are aligned with the ABA definition of divorce coaching as a method of alternative dispute resolution. She recommends coaching training to other divorce professionals because she believes it will allow them to get more satisfaction from a field that can be extremely draining.
Well, we couldn't be more excited to have THE Susan Guthrie joining us on the podcast this week. TBH we were fangirling a little bit, but we had the most incredible conversation about how she transitioned from litigation to ADR and why Susan believes a divorce coach should be everyone's first call.
Susan is a nationally recognized Top Family Law Attorney and Mediator with over 32 years of unparalleled experience. And now as one of the world's foremost family, collaborative, and mediation trainers, Susan is dedicated to helping legal and dispute resolution professionals elevate their practices for a more fulfilling and prosperous career.
Susan talks about the moment that changed the trajectory of her career from a burned out litigator to a mediator and how her own personal experiences with divorce and being part of a blended family have continued to impact her work.
She also share why she believes a team approach to divorce is the best approach for families and why a divorce coach trained from an ADR perspective is the right fit for that team. We couldn't be more honored that Susan is such a big supporter of DCA's new ADR divorce coach certification program.
And if you've been curious about artificial intelligence like ChatGPT, Susan will be holding a training on June 28 through Mosten-Guthrie Academy so you can learn how to incorporate this new tool into your practice.
We’ve said it before and we’ll keep saying it … if you want to get clients, grassroots marketing is the least expensive and most effective way to go. Today we want to talk about the mistakes we see new coaches make and what you can do to work your two most important referral pipelines - current clients and professional contacts.
There’s really only one thing that’s most likely to provide you with a steady flow of new clients - and that’s referrals. Not a fancy sales funnel, not a big Google Ad words campaign, not social media, and not an expensive business coach.
One of the most common mistakes we see new-ish coaches making is spending time and $$ on the wrong things like a fancy website, a business coach, networking with divorce professionals and trying to start group coaching programs.
Focus on first things first and that's getting one-on-one clients:
Perfect your elevator pitches
Talk to everyone you meet everywhere you go
Master the consult call
Next, increase the chances that current clients will recommend you:
Be professional
Provide value and results
Acknowledge and celebrate progress
Make the ask
Finally, cultivate a network of professional referral sources:
Talk to your own contacts - doctors, hair stylist, massage therapist, trainer, bartender - people that people tell their problems to
Participate in continuing education classes and events through ABA, Mosten-Guthrie, APFM, AFCC
Offer to speak or do lunch and learns for local business groups
Once you're up and running and have a steady flow of clients, you can consider what steps to take when you're ready to level up. But for now, talk about what you do, get potential clients on the phone, and close the deal. And when you turn clients into raving fans, you'll have started a ripple effect that will effortlessly bring you future clients.
You can learn more about DCA™ or find out about any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:
When clients act out of fear, anger, powerlessness, overwhelm, or other emotions, they aren’t making the best decisions for themselves. This week, we’re talking all about triggers - why they happen and what you, as a coach, can do to support your clients in managing those emotional responses.
How many times have you heard a client say, “that triggered me”? Or do you notice they're having a strong reaction to an event that seems out of proportion? It could be their amygdala that's to blame.
The most primitive part of our brain, the amygdala, often called our reptilian or lizard brain, is responsible for our survival. The amygdala is on guard 24/7 scanning the environment for safety. It lights up when a threat (real or perceived) is detected and fires off a series of automatic physical responses that prepare the body to respond to danger.
It makes sense that people feel threatened during divorce and that feeling can cause them to act in aggressive ways, have problems with rational thinking, engage in poor decision making, and damage personal relationships.
As a coach, what’s your first response? Do you roll your eyes and think your client is being overdramatic? Do you overstep the comments because you aren’t sure what to do or how to best support that client? Listen in as Tracy and Debra offer 5 tips and a number of tools you can use to support your clients when their emotions try to run the show.
You can learn more about DCA™ or find out about any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:
Most bottom lines are generated out of fear and uncertainty. Clients feel that their well being, identity, status, financial security and more are being threatened in divorce. Today we're talking about helping our clients explore options that meet their core interests while still allowing for flexibility and collaboration - and that means understanding their BATNA and WATNA.
Bottom lines in divorce are not all inherently bad. Sometimes they can play an important role in establishing boundaries or insuring safety during the divorce process. However, when this positional thinking keeps clients in a state of inflexibility and conflict ... it can increase costs, extend time to settlement, impact future relationships (co-parenting), and negatively impact children.
BATNA stands for "Best Alternative to a Negotiated Agreement." In the context of divorce, BATNA refers to the course of action a person can take if they are unable to reach an agreement with their spouse through negotiation or mediation. It is essentially the fallback option or the next best option available to a person if the divorce settlement or terms cannot be agreed upon. WATNA stands for “Worst Alternative to a Negotiated Agreement.”
In essence, the better your client’s alternatives are, the more they may push for a more favorable settlement. The worse their alternatives, the more accommodating they may be in the settlement negotiations.
Listen in as Tracy and Debra review the 5 steps you can use to support a client in negotiation:
Identify alternatives
Evaluate alternatives
Assess the BATNA
Assess the WATNA
Negotiate from a position of strength
Your client's BATNA and WATNA serve as guiding principles to help them make informed, intentional decisions and have a backup plan in the event that negotiations break down.
You can learn more about DCA™ or find out about any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:
Today, we thought it might be fun, interesting, and helpful to demonstrate what it sounds like when a coaching session goes wrong. We were looking back on some of our most popular podcast episodes and we noticed that many of the most downloaded topics were related to effective coaching skills. A few of the super popular ones include:
So we’re going to run through a short coaching session demo and then break it down for you. Listen in and see if you can catch the moments when Tracy steps out of the coaching zone.
What did you notice? Let’s break down some of the problems we hope you were able to identify in this extreme example.
Dismissive/Invalidating
No Session Focus
Directive
Talking vs. Listening
Giving Legal Advice
Conflict Escalation
When we mentor new coaches, these are precisely the missteps we see over and over again. The good news is that by going back to foundational coaching frameworks, we can adjust and provide a much more effective coaching experience for the client.
If you'd like to do some self-reflection and make sure you're staying in the coaching zone with your clients, we invite you to join our Case Consultation & Mastermind Group. This group of professional divorce coaches meets twice a month to discuss difficult cases, best practices, and encourage each other to be their best selves.
You can learn more about DCA™ or find out about any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:
Today we're talking conflict styles and how helping a client gain insight into their own as well as their partner’s dominant or historical conflict style can be a game changer in divorce.
Most couples have repetitive, unhealthy conflict patterns that have been established throughout their marriage. And those dysfunctional patterns don’t go away during divorce. As a matter of fact, they may become even more problematic when we add in the stress and fear that people experience during divorce.
So how can divorce coaches work with clients to help break those historical patterns and prepare clients for more effective conflict resolution? Well, it begins where all change begins - with awareness.
The Thomas-Kilman Model categorizes individuals into 5 styles: Competing, Avoiding, Accommodating, Compromising, and Collaborating. Some styles are passive while some are assertive and some are cooperative while others are considered uncooperative. No one style is better or worse - each has both benefits and costs.
By understanding conflict styles, we help clients gain awareness into the dynamics that are causing problems between them and their partner/co-parent and offer choices to strategically use different conflict styles in different circumstances to achieve their goals. Take the Conflict Management Style Assessment
You can learn more about DCA™ or find out about any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:
Many of us (including our clients) have learned all the wrong things about negotiation. We think of haggling over the price of a car where each person gives up a little of their position until an agreement is reached. Essentially we’ve been taught incorrectly that the loudest and most assertive voice wins in any negotiation, or that both sides compromise and end up with less.
In this episode, we're talking about some ways you can help clients develop skills that will not only help them be more effective in mediation, but may help them generate more satisfying agreements.
Most divorce coaches spend quite a bit of time supporting clients in developing proposals and preparing to negotiate their property settlements and parenting plans. But negotiation is much more than just throwing demands around and successful negotiation requires specific language.
Listen in as we give a client scenario and review use of our 3 favorite techniques:
EAR statements
Yes, and...
Arguing with questions
And don't forget the importance of these magic words: thank you, I hear you, I understand, I apologize, that's news to me, I can own that, and I can live with that.
And finally, it’s critically important that your client understand their BATNA or best alternative to a negotiated agreement. If that’s not a concept you’re familiar with, please go back and listen to Episode #59 from a few weeks ago where we did a deep dive into this concept.
Using the right language in negotiation can determine whether conflict escalates, negotiations stall, and the couple moves toward litigation or ... the conversation continues and other options are explored.
You can learn more about DCA™ or find out about any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:
You may have heard that DCA is going global. And today we're honored to introduce you to Anne-Marie Cade - the DCA™ Director of Learning and Development for Australia.
She is an award-winning lawyer and mediator, a Family Dispute Resolution Practitioner, Certified Divorce Coach and Parenting Coordinator as well as a speaker, trainer and lecturer in law. She has a Masters in Family Dispute Resolution and Negotiation and was recently named Australian Mediator of the Year 2023 (Right?). She was also awarded a Churchill Fellowship recently and she traveled to 16 cities around the world in 2022 researching “Best Practice in Parenting Coordination” with a view to informing the implementation of the practice of Parenting Coordination in Australia.
We can't possibly list all her credentials, but trust us, she is a rock star when it comes to ADR processes in Australia and we couldn't be more excited to have her as part of the DCA leadership team. She is passionate about the work she does as Alternative Dispute Resolution professional with families, individuals, and corporate teams to help them reach peaceful resolution.
In her role at DCA, Anne-Marie leads the Q&A calls as well as oversees the professional mentorship for the DCA Australian divorce coaching certification program. We’re big fans and can't wait for you to hear more from her about her journey from lawyer to mediator to divorce coach and her passion for bringing DCA's certification to Australia.
Enjoy!
Our first cohort for DCA ADR Divorce Coach Certification Australia begins the week of July 24. If you'd like more information, schedule a meeting with Anne-Marie at www.divorcecoachesacademy.com or reach out to her at dca.au@divorcecoachesacademy.com.
You can learn more about DCA™ or find out about any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:
Divorce coaching is a relatively new profession, so most coaches offer a short, initial complimentary or free block of time for the client to get to know them and understand the value of the services we provide. And unless you got into this business as a ministry, you probably want to convert that initial conversation into a paying client. In this episode we want to focus on how you can consistently crush that consult call and grow your business.
But before we talk about the conversation itself, we talk about the purpose behind the conversation. It’s sales. If that made you feel icky, take a pause. Selling is nothing more than helping. Your prospect has a problem, and you have the solution.
What you call this initial conversation and the language you use sets your potential client up to anticipate a certain experience with you. We break down the 3 most common types of initial conversations (complimentary consultation, discovery call or strategy session, mini-session or laser focus session) talk through the differences.
We are big fans of the consult call and we go into depth about why we have such a crush on this kind of conversation for building your business. We even give you a 4-step script you can use to help you close more sales.
So how do you conduct an effective initial conversation that converts into a sale? Professionalism, scripts and follow up are the three keys to building your business. Listen in as Tracy and Debra give you all the tips to stop wasting time on unproductive calls and start getting paying clients.
You can learn more about DCA™ or find out about any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:
Our clients show up with a multitude of problems, questions, and difficult dilemmas. And the truth is, we’re tempted to offer a solution or an answer because it’s faster, easier, and eliminates our client’s distress. Today we want to talk about that urge to tell clients what to do - or what we call superhero syndrome.
One of the most difficult things to navigate as a divorce coach is that we can see the road ahead, have knowledge and insight the client doesn’t have, and want desperately to help them avoid mistakes and problems. It’s tempting to want to put on that superhero cape and rush to the rescue. But it’s not effective.
Giving the answer isn’t the answer. The best solution for our clients is to help them develop skills to make their own decisions and take their own best next action steps and we have 4 tools to do that.
Active/Reflective Listening
Powerful Questioning
Reality Testing
Impact Assessment
This work with your clients takes discipline. Every coach has to occasionally fight that urge to tell or just hand our client the solution. But, trust that your client has it in them. It’s your job to help them find it.
You can learn more about DCA™ or find out about any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:
Do you want to make more money in your coaching business? Would you like a steadier, more reliable inflow of new clients? What if we told you that spending time and money on marketing is not the most effective way to make either of those happen? This week we want to dive into the importance of session focus and how it’s the critical, but often overlooked key to creating raving fans and referral business.
As a professional, certified divorce coach you save clients time, money, and emotional energy - and when they get those benefits they can’t wait to tell others about their experience with you. Just like you share when you find a great new restaurant, landscaper, or hairstylist, they want their friends, family, co-workers, and others to know how much you helped them.
And it all starts with Session Focus. When we neglect this first 5-8 minutes of a coaching session, we fail to set a course for delivering value. The conversation rambles, coaches get lost in the weeds, and the client walks away without clarity or action steps. And that means lost referrals and lost revenue.
So what does it look like to effectively establish session focus?
Listen in as Tracy and Debra walk you through using your GPS for Success (Gather, Prioritize, Strategize) so you can nail that session focus every time.
You can learn more about DCA™ or find out about any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:
One of the most common complaints we hear from divorce coaches is that they aren’t getting as many clients as they had hoped and that means they aren’t hitting their revenue goals. If that’s a struggle you’re facing, then this episode is for you. We’re giving you the 411 on crafting your elevator pitch so you can be prepared to talk about what you do in a way that makes people excited to know more.
The key to getting referrals and consult calls is effectively describing what you do and the value you provide. An elevator pitch is simply a very short, targeted way to describe what you do as a divorce coach. Think of a situation recently where you met someone new and they asked you what you do. How did you answer that question?
To craft an effective elevator pitch, focus on a specific problem or pain point that your potential client or referral partner has. Next, consider how working with you helps them solve that problem. Now boil all that down until you can create a 15-30 second statement that sounds like this:
I help…people with this problem Get…these results So they can…have this outcome
This seems simple, but it’s not easy. But trust us. If you do this right, the person on the other end will ask more questions. This won’t be the end of your conversation. Your elevator pitch is only the appetizer. But it has to pack enough punch to make the other person go “Wait, what? I want more.”
Listen in as Tracy and Debra talk through the elements of an effective elevator pitch and give some examples to get your creative juices going.
You can learn more about DCA™ or find out about any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:
This week we’re going to take a classic children’s story and use it as a model for approaching proposal development with your clients. Goldilocks and the Three Bears is such a legendary fairy tale. You could ask just about anyone and you'd get the same general story. The three bears leave their home to go out for a walk. Goldilocks happens by and goes inside to explore the place. She samples the porridge and tries out their chairs and their beds. She assess each and determines that they are too hot, too cold, too big, too small, too hard, too soft, and finally, just right. Breaking and entering aside, we think there’s a lot to learn from Goldilocks when it comes to developing proposals in divorce that are just right.
So how do we use all these lessons from Goldilocks with clients working on divorce settlement proposals? Well, in order to help get clients prepared to be in that flexible thinking frame of mind, we like to work with them to develop Tiered Proposals. This helps avoid major negotiation mistakes like a my way or the highway approach and it helps them plan for both receiving and making counter proposals. That’s what keeps the conversation going and increases the chance that they can reach resolution.
This process of working through tiered proposals helps clients eliminate ideas that are too hot, too big or too hard and encourages them to reach beyond ideas that are too cold, too small or too soft. This intentional, strategic process allows them to find the range of solutions that are “just right” for them.
Listen in as Tracy and Debra talk through Goldilocks syndrome, the Goldilocks rule, and the Goldilocks principle and how they apply when supporting your clients in developing flexible thinking and a problem solving approach when it comes to crafting tiered proposals.
You can learn more about DCA™ or find out about any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:
We’ve all experienced it. Clients who can’t stop talking about their pain, are fixated on wanting to re-litigate past hurts, and who blame their partner for everything that isn’t going smoothly in their divorce process or co-parenting relationship. These clients are stuck in the problem cycle. And when they’re in the problem cycle, they can only see the problem. They can’t focus on solutions, so conflict resolution is nearly impossible.
Regardless of why they're stuck in the problem cycle, we see 3 consistent things that prevent our client from getting relief or resolution. Blaming their partner or co-parent for the problem. Focusing on the past and their pain rather than the future and their power. And allowing their negative emotions (blame) and a state of activation (pain) to throw fuel on the fire of an already tense situation
It’s our job as ADR specialists to help clients break out of that cycle and become more focused on taking action that can get them closer to their desired outcome. And we use a 3-step process to accomplish this:
Identify the problem (recognize conflict)
Develop alternative solutions (generate options)
Implement and evaluate (reflect and assess)
When we're able to successfully help clients move beyond the problem cycle, they can focus on empathetic problem solving and desired outcomes. And that allows them to take control over managing the conflict and take their power back.
You can learn more about DCA™ or find out about any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:
Make-believe or pretend play is an almost universal part of every kid's childhood. Most children love pretending to be everything from superheroes to astronauts, doctors, dancers, firefighters, and moms and dads. Today, we're getting into some tools you can use when you find yourself working with clients whose expectations and beliefs are keeping them squarely stuck in a state of make-believe.
Divorce expectations can be inherited from friends and or family experiences. They can come from from television shows, reality TV and movies about divorce. The problem with these expectations is that they often distort our client's perception of reality and make them see or hear what they want to see and hear rather than what’s really there.
When clients have unrealistic expectations of divorce, whether positive or negative, they can experience disappointment and stress when reality closes in. And that, in turn, can escalate conflict.
Reality testing is the ability to distinguish between what' s real and what' s not and it's a key component of emotional intelligence. Reality testing in divorce coaching helps our clients to avoid making choices or decisions that are based on unrealistic expectations, mindsets, or beliefs.
Listen in as we offer some tools and powerful questions you can use with clients to give their expectations a tune-up in preparation for a better divorce experience.
You can learn more about DCA™ or find out about any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:
In previous episodes, we’ve covered conflict styles, some magic words to use in mediation and the idea of tiered proposals, but today we're talking about one the most effective negotiation strategies there is - and that’s arguing with questions.
We’ve talked before about the ineffectiveness of positional bargaining, but it’s often the only way our clients have been taught to negotiate. They make the mistake of starting off negotiations by stating their position and then proceeding to JADE (justify, argue, defend or explain) why their position is valid and their partner should agree to it. JADE-ing continues back and forth and conflict escalates until someone backs down enough to come to a compromise or they walk away and lawyer up.
But there’s another way...and it's arguing with questions.
This is just one reason why divorce coaching can be the key to more successful negotiations. Because we have the chance to work with our clients at the individual level, we can create self-awareness. We have the chance to change those old limiting beliefs about positional bargaining. And we know that when one party shows up differently, the dance doesn’t look the same.
Listen in as Tracy and Debra walk through these 3 tools you can use to help clients learn to argue with questions.
Modeling
Scripts and Vocabulary Lessons
Role Play
Teaching your client to approach conflict with curiosity instead of justification or accusation will serve them well not only in their divorce negotiations, but in all their future relationships.
You can learn more about DCA™ or find out about any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:
How often have you heard a client say “I’m miserable and I can’t imagine going on like this. I’ve tried and tried and nothing is changing. But … I’m afraid to get divorced.” They typically go on to share about all the problems in their marriage until they come to the big BUT that’s keeping them stuck.
And the 3 most common things that keep clients from moving forward are fears about:
Money
Kids
Conflict
In this episode we're talking working with clients who're trying to decide if they want to stay in their marriage or get divorced. We dive into research about unresolvable relationships conflicts, the rise in marital mediation, explore the often forgotten 3rd option of "waiting with intention", and the powerful questions to ask clients when they're stuck on their big BUT's and fears.
Listen in as Tracy and Debra chat about why this question is right in our wheelhouse and review the tools and strategies you can use to bust through those big BUT's that are creating obstacles to your client's decision making.
While we can’t make the decision for them, we can certainly offer lots of clarity and self-discovery to support them in making the choice that leads to their own fulfillment and happiness whether that means staying or leaving.
You can learn more about DCA™ or find out about any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:
Our clients often face big decisions about real estate, especially the marital home, but as we’ll discuss today, money matters in divorce aren’t just about the numbers. They frequently get complicated by big emotions, so we thought our guest Jody Bruns would be the perfect expert to talk us through the best way to support our clients in making smart, strategic decisions when it comes to mortgage financing.
Jody is President and Founder of the Divorce Lending Association and is credited with establishing industry certification programs for both real estate and mortgage professionals working with divorcing clients. Jody takes her knowledge further as an approved continuing education provider for multiple bar associations and financial planning boards, educating attorneys, financial planners, and other divorce professionals on the underlying concerns when divorce and real estate meet head-on.
Listen in as we discuss the role of a CDLP®, how their specialized training sets them apart, and why having your client consult with one early in the process can both de-escalate conflict and result in a more satisfying settlement agreement. Here are just a few highlights from our conversation:
No all mortgage lenders are the same - why the CDLP® designation matters
Why bringing in a CDLP® earlier can improve outcomes for everyone
How a CDLP® supports negotiation and proposal development
Why emotions play such a big role in real estate decisions
Where clients can find a CDLP® in their area
We know you'll enjoy getting to know Jody as much as we did.
We’re noticing more and more people out here saying they’re divorce coaches, but when you dive into their bios, there’s no mention of coursework or certification in divorce coaching. They're using the title but don't have the training.
In this episode we're going on a bit of a rant about everybody and their brother calling themselves a divorce coach, but we're also going to give you some guidance about how to advocate for the profession of divorce coaching and have hard conversations with others about the importance of certification and training.
We'll review the 4 main reasons using the title without the training is problematic for our profession:
We're already fighting a stigma/reputation issue
Diminishes the credibility of those who have done it
Makes it harder to earn a seat at the table
Confuses the public
Then we'll give you some scripts you can use if you get a networking request from someone using the title without the training.
Our goal in this episode is not to bash other professionals - it’s to continue the conversation and help you advocate for the profession of divorce coaching. And that starts with speaking up about the importance of certification and training. Because you never know...your courage to step into that conversation might be the spark to get someone on the path to certification.
Learn more about DCA™ or any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:
This week, we’re taking the Stay or Go episode from a couple of week ago to the next step and we're talking about partnering with your client to develop an exit strategy. This means helping them gather the information they need and develop action plans to remove the fear and uncertainty around when and how to divorce.
Fear is not only the obstacle that keeps individuals stuck in unhealthy, unhappy marriages unable to make decisions or take action, but it’s also the #1 driver of cost and conflict in divorce.
Debra shares the results of an informal survey she did that showed that only 20% of respondents believed they had some or significant control over either the cost or the outcome of their divorce. We know clients have much more influence - they just need information and a strategy.
Failing to prepare thoughtfully when considering divorce can start things off in a way that quickly snowballs out of control. On the other hand, taking time, being strategic and establishing goals and priorities can pave the way for a good divorce if things go well. And it can protect clients in the event that things go poorly.
We'll review the 5 reasons an Exit Strategy (or divorce plan) is so incredibly helpful for clients and talk through some of the important elements of a solid plan. When we help clients identify and address their fears, our clients get a better outcome financially, relationally and emotionally.
Learn more about DCA™ or any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:
When clients tell us that their goal is an amicable divorce, we wonder what their expectations are when they say that. What are they really anticipating their divorce experience will be like? So that’s the topic of today’s conversation. What does it mean to have an amicable divorce and if it’s not amicable, then what is it?
In 2014, Goop ( Gwyneth Paltrow’s wellness and lifestyle brand) published an article titled “Conscious Uncoupling” and that started a new wave of thinking about how couples could do this thing called divorce. But it's also gotten a bit twisted over the years and many people have gotten the idea that an "amicable" divorce means being BFF's with your ex, having family dinners, and vacationing together.
Somehow we've created this binary where a divorce is either amicable (meaning we get along all the time) or it's high conflict. But there's always conflict in divorce. So how can we work with clients to manage expectations when it comes to divorce conflict open them up to some new ways of thinking about what it means to be amicable?
We'll review some powerful questions as well as some tools and strategies you can use with clients to explore:
1. The possibility that there is a wide space between being BFF’s and being enemies 2. The possibility that our client can show up amicably regardless of how their partner shows up
We believe an amicable divorce truly is possible for the majority of couples if we focus on those words pleasant, respectful and polite. And one key is working with your client to get past some of these limiting beliefs that the existence of conflict means that it’s not amicable.
Learn more about DCA™ or any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:
Tracy and Debra are back on their microphones telling some truths this week. One of our absolute core values is to advocate for the professional practice of divorce coaching and yet we keep coming up against 2 things that make us crazy. The first one, we talked about a couple of weeks ago and that is individuals using the title of divorce coach without the proper training. If you missed that episode, it’s #74 and we recommend you give that a listen before you dive into this. It might give you some background and context.
But today, we really want to wrestle with the idea that there is no oversight in the divorce coaching industry. There’s no organization that determines which training programs meet minimum standards. Hell, no one has even defined what those standards are.
We review some of the components of most professional designations and what's missing in the profession of divorce coaching including:
Educational Standards/Requirements
Residency/Supervision
Examination
Continuing Education
Finally, we tackle the trademark fallacy. A trademark is NOT an assurance of quality, it's NOT an assurance of standards, recognition or status - it’s just branding. For about $250, you file some paperwork with the USPTO and, voila!, you've got a trademark to protect the name of your company, your logo, or your program. Any language that suggests otherwise is intentionally misleading.
All we can do for now is continue to remind both potential learners and clients to pause before they believe everything they read. Encourage them to take responsibility for their own process and do their research, ask questions, and make sure they’re getting what they think they’re getting. A name, a trademark, fancy language, or a title doesn’t mean a thing in this world. It’s buyer beware.
Learn more about DCA™ or any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:
A couple of weeks ago we talked about amicable divorce and explored the idea that there’s a wide space between being BFF’s and being mortal enemies. In this episode, we get into one of the sneaky issues that can drive conflict - and that’s decision making biases.
In his book "Thinking Fast and Slow", Daniel Kahneman introduces us to the idea of system 1 (fast, automatic) and system 2 (slow, methodical) decision making. Our clients’ overtired and overworked brains are desperately seeking some relief; some way to get through the decision making process more quickly and with less effort. And so there are 6 shortcuts or biases that have a tendency to show up in divorce and coparenting that contribute to conflict and the inability to resolve differences.
Status quo
Loss aversion
Anchoring
Endowment effect
Confirmation
Overconfidence
When clients allow defense mechanisms and survival emotions to run the show, they tend to make decisions based on fear and bias. And the result is escalating conflict.
The antidote to system 1 biases is values based decision making. It is impossible to ignore or eliminate our biases, but we can help clients tune into what's truly important to them, so they can make decisions based on intention- which is values based. This might be a great time to consider using either the Best Self or Personal Values Exercise with your clients. As Roy Disney says “It’s not hard to make decisions when you know what your values are”.
Learn more about DCA™ or any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:
Most divorces are not legally complicated, but there are two things in many divorce documents that complicate the process for clients and increase conflict … and that’s language. Language that’s difficult to understand or language that’s too vague to provide post-decree guidance. This week we're talking about how to help clients ditch the legalese and loose language in an effort to reduce conflict.
Have you ever seen a divorce settlement agreement that’s so full of latin words, statute reference numbers, long sentences, and outdated old english that you feel like you need a law degree to understand what it says? Yep, that’s legalese. And while lawyers seem to love it, the rest of us find it confusing, intimidating, and impossible to comprehend.
And then there's language that's so vague and open ended that it leaves the door open for future conflict. When details about who, when, where and how are omitted, we can run into post-decree compliance arguments. If the agreement simply says that parents have joint legal decision making, what happens if they can't come to agreement? There is so much opportunity to discuss options now that can prevent conflict later.
As divorce coaches, we can help clients feel confident their agreements aren’t filled with confusing legalese they don’t understand or loose language that could lead to future conflict. Of course, we need to be cautious that we aren’t participating in UPL, but we can work with clients to:
Advocate for clear and complete language
Review parts of their agreement that are unclear
Explore needs, fears, what if's, and goals
Document questions for the mediator/attorney
Detail what they would like the agreement to say
When we empower our clients to advocate for clear, concise, and detailed language in their agreements, we set them up for success.
Learn more about DCA™ or any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:
For many clients, the idea of facing mediation with a difficult spouse or co-parent is terrifying. It feels so much more comfortable to think about hiding behind an attorney and letting the justice system do its thing. But we know that not only is it possible, but it’s actually preferable to try to resolve things out of court with a difficult character. So today we're talking about helping clients feel confident that they can mediate with a narcissist, meanie or bully.
Side note: As a rule, we avoid the use of labels like narcissist, psychopath, borderline, or addict. Our goal is to help our client recognize patterns of behavior, identify what is within their control, and to empower them to take charge of their own decision making. We want to dispel the perception that this is happening TO them and instead support them in taking strategic actions and aligning their choices with their goals and values.
Experts in the field of conflict resolution are beginning to say that methods of alternative dispute resolution may work in your client’s favor and we discuss 8 of those reasons in today's episode.
Court is the high conflict person's playground
Costs can escalate quickly
The legal process moves slowly
Conflict can spiral out of control
Children get caught in the crossfire
Control is out of their hands
Lose the ability to use de-escalation strategies
Deceased compliance
So, while clients may feel that litigation is a safer alternative for dealing with their difficult spouse, by working with you they can gain the skills and confidence they need to try meditation. And by doing so, potentially avoid the expense, stress, and damage of a court battle.
Learn more about DCA™ or any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:
In this episode, we’re talking about working with those clients whose resistance to change is creating obstacles to negotiation and could potentially be escalating conflict. And resistance to the inevitable changes that divorce brings can cause everything from avoidant behaviors to decision making that’s downright destructive.
As divorce coaches, helping clients examine and dismantle that resistance can go a long way toward creating a more collaborative divorce and co-parenting environment.
We talk about how people typically cope with and react to change, what resistance really is, common resistance patterns, and how it shows up in divorce and co-parenting. Then we review the #1 tool you can use to help clients bust through the resistance that's keeping them stuck.
When we help clients gain clarity about the reasons behind their own resistance to change, we open up possibilities for growth.
Learn more about DCA™ or any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:
In last week's episode, we talked about why people resist change and did a quick review of the 5 SCARF domains - status, certainty, autonomy, relatedness, and fairness. Today, we want to dive deep into the domain of certainty and discuss how uncertainty impacts both resistance to change and conflict.
We consistently see a perfect storm of someone’s tolerance for risk, their resilience and their emotional intelligence come together to either weather the uncertainty and changes that divorce brings or create more waves by feeling afraid and resisting them.
To the human mind, uncertainty equals danger. If your brain doesn't know what’s coming next, it can’t protect you. So it has a tendency to assume the worst, over-personalize threats, and jump to conclusions. Did you know that our brains find psychological uncertainty just as (if not more) painful than actual physical pain?
We crave certainty and safety. No wonder the uncertainty of divorce has the potential to create so much chaos.
We discuss the results of scientific studies as well as research with elite athletes and then share 4 coaching strategies and some powerful questions to use with clients struggling with uncertainty.
Our role is to support clients in their resilience, their decision making, and their emotional management so they are in the best possible position possible to deal with the almost guaranteed uncertainty that comes along with divorce and co-parenting.
Learn more about DCA™ or any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:
It’s Thanksgiving and we’re so thankful for all of you who take the time to listen each week. We thought it might be a great opportunity for you to get to know us a little better and get a sneak peek behind the scenes at the DCA podcast.
Listen in as Tracy and Debra talk (and laugh) about:
how they record the podcast each week
why they started the podcast
what brought them to the profession of divorce coaching
their proudest achievements
their personal obsessions
the first time they met in person
who they'd love to collaborate with and why
their dream podcast guest
We had a ton of fun recording this and hope you enjoy this more personal view into the people behind the microphones.
Have an idea for a future topic or episode? We'd love to hear from you.
Learn more about DCA™ or any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:
These days with all the talk of narcissists, domestic violence, intimate partner violence, and coercive control, we get a lot of questions from divorce coaches about how, when or whether they should be working with clients involved in these situations.
In this episode, we clarify the specific role a divorce coach plays and examine those circumstances where coaches need to be cautious that they’re not crossing the line into advising, advocacy or UPL in their efforts to protect clients dealing with high conflict or intimate partner violence.
We set the stage by defining the terms divorce coach, educator, advisor and advocate. then we walk through a couple of hypothetical scenarios with a client we call "Michelle" to demonstrate the difference between coaching, advising, and advocacy.
Resources to have on hand:
National Domestic Violence Hotline: thehotine.org 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
Local Domestic Violence Resources: womenslaw.org
So how do you figure out what your role as a divorce coach should be when conflict is ramping up? We share 3 guidelines that will help you make decisions:
Your Comfort Zone
Your Consult Call
Your Coaching Agreement
Your Professional Ethics
Learn more about DCA™ or any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:
If you’re working in the world of divorce, chances are that a number of your clients are going to be dealing with feelings of betrayal. In this episode we’re going to dig into how betrayal impacts emotions and decision making and discuss how you can work with clients struggling with the double whammy of betrayal and divorce.
Research presented to the Senate indicates that 56% of divorce cases involve one party having an obsessive interest in pornographic websites. According to the American Psychological Association, infidelity in the United States is said to be responsible for 20-40% of divorces. A Bankrate survey reports that 1 in 4 Americans keep financial secrets from their partner.
Betrayal Trauma occurs when the actions of another violate the trust on which a relationship was built and it can cause lasting changes in the areas of the brain responsible for regulating emotion, thought, and memory.
Many symptoms arise immediately after a betrayal trauma, while other symptoms can begin months or even years later. In one survey, more than 33% of respondents reported having continued symptoms more than 5 years after the discovery of the betrayal.These symptoms can complicate the divorce process and the inherent conflict involved.
Listen in as we explore how different people respond to trauma and how they have different coaching needs. We also share how to identify if your client might need additional mental health support and offer some scripts you can use to gently introduce this idea.
Learn more about DCA® or any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:
When people find out what we do, it's not unusual to hear “UGH, I wish I’d known you when I went through my divorce. I made so many mistakes.” In this week's episode, we’re reviewing the five common mistakes people make and talk about how a divorce coach helps clients sidestep those mistakes and save time, money, relational damage and emotional energy.
Right now the average divorce with attorneys in the US will cost each party somewhere in the neighborhood of $15-20,000 and can easily exceed 6 figures when you add in custody battles, forensic accounting, discovery, depositions, motions, and all the other professionals and processes. Certainly legal fees can add up quickly when conflict escalates, but there are many other costs that clients pay when divorce mistakes are made.
When clients are stressed and overwhelmed and/or driven by emotions like anger, sadness, vengeance, jealousy, or indecision, their lives are impacted on every level. While those costs are much harder to quantify, they aren’t hard to observe.
Studies show that an employee can lose 40% of their productivity when going through a divorce, costing many companies millions of dollars in lost revenue. Clients who are struggling to manage their own emotions aren’t able to attend to the emotions or needs of their children in a healthy way. And when people are experiencing these costs of divorce, they may act and make decisions that don’t reflect their best selves or their best interests.
Listen in as Tracy and Debra dive into the 5 most expensive divorce mistakes and talk through the coaching tools you can use with each.
Learn more about DCA® or any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:
Are you certified but feel like you're ready to elevate your practice? This week we have the pleasure of talking with two certified, practicing divorce coaches who recently completed DCA's ELEVATE program to add an ADR divorce coaching certification to their credentials.
Heather Cary and Carolyn Jacobs give us the inside scoop on their backgrounds, their initial certification, their decision to pursue additional ADR training, and how the DCA foundations, frameworks and skills have provided just what they needed to take their coaching practice to the next level.
ELEVATE is a new option for CDC certified divorce coaches who are looking to add ADR and conflict resolution skills. The ELEVATE program includes every lesson, every module, and every resource that our new divorce coaching students have access to. We believe our ADR approach is so revolutionary that we just couldn’t leave anything out. The coaching frameworks and approach to divorce fundamentals look and land differently when viewed and taught through an ADR lens.
Listen in as Heather and Carolyn describe how learning to speak ADR language, working with clients to focus on conflict management, and delivering an effective coaching session every time has increased both their impact with clients and their bottom line.
It’s just about time for everyone to start thinking about New Year’s resolutions and that usually means setting goals to get healthier and manage our money better. Almost every divorce coach we know would like to generate more revenue, so in this episode we share 5 simple strategies you can implement to earn more in your coaching business next year.
Research cited by The Ohio State University Fisher College of Business suggests that only 9% of Americans that make resolutions complete them. That tells us that simply setting an intention doesn’t seem to create the follow through necessary to accomplish the goal. The same goes for making more money in your coaching practice. Recall that ICF (International Coaching Federation) survey that reported 80% of coaching businesses fail? These dismal statistics can make it feel like an impossible mission to achieve financial success as divorce coaching professionals.
But there are many divorce coaches that are hitting their revenue goals and that is precisely why you must pay attention to the business side of your coaching practice. If you want to make more in 2024, you need to set your sights on 2 basic things - getting more clients and gaining more confidence.
Because More Clients + More Confidence = More Revenue
So listen in as we talk through the 5 things you can focus on that we believe will have the most impact on growing your client base and your confidence next year. Being excellent at coaching isn't enough - you must also be intentional about the way you approach your business.
Learn more about DCA® or any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:
What's the best and fastest way to ramp up conflict in divorce and co-parenting? Certainly derailing language is near the top of the list. Those phrases that automatically trigger defensiveness or an emotional response - things like "you always", "you never", "you're overreacting", or Tracy's personal favorite, "calm down".
This week, we unpack how and why this type of language contributes to conflict and we offer 13 strategies you can use with clients to help them stay on track and focused on their goals when it comes to the words they choose.
Communicating during divorce conflict is challenging because emotions are running high, needs aren't being met, someone is feeling threatened, and the stakes feel incredibly high. Derailing language is not only unproductive, it can move the conversation from an opportunity for a problem-solving to a full blown argument and combat. This, in turn, can lead to escalation into litigation, further deterioration of the relationship, and additional impact on children.
Overcoming derailing language is key to maintaining a constructive dialogue that respects all parties involved. By being mindful of our words, listening actively, and expressing ourselves constructively, we can turn conflicts into opportunities for understanding and resolution.
Learn more about DCA® or any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:
This week, we're thrilled for you to meet Nikki Bould. Nikki is a highly skilled ADR specialist in New Zealand and she's joining the DCA leadership team to deliver culturally and legally specific curriculum to aspiring New Zealand divorce coaches.
Not only does New Zealand have it's own unique laws and processes when it comes to divorce, but because of the large indigenous population there are cultural impacts and considerations that Kiwi divorce coaches must be prepared to navigate.
Nikki shares that there are currently only about 15 certified divorce coaches in New Zealand and she firmly believes that increasing that number can help families avoid the stress of litigation. While divorcing families with children are afforded 12 hours of family dispute resolution services (either free or partially funded), these often aren't utilized or aren't effective as they could be.
Increasing the number of divorce coaches with specific ADR skills would provide individual support and education that could be the key to increasing FDR success and decreasing court involvement.
DCA is thrilled to be working with Nikki to bring truly international divorce coaching to New Zealand.
The first New Zealand cohort begins the week of February 12, 2024. Apply now or schedule a 1-1 call with Nikki to learn more at divorcecoachesacademy.com.
No doubt we've have all seen some pretty shady characters pull some pretty shady tricks in divorce and co-parenting. There are people in this world that get off on hurting others - the more you hurt, the happier they are. It’s sad to think that people like this exist, but wishing and hoping they were different doesn’t solve the problem. There’s still a settlement agreement to negotiate or years of co-parenting ahead.
This week we're talking about helping clients take control wherever possible to protect their own safety and their own peace. And that means we’re going to be talking about boundaries - making decisions and taking actions that shield them from harm and keep them moving toward their goals.
We run through a little role play to demonstrate the difference between effective and ineffective boundaries. Then we discuss the two things that typically keep clients from acting to set good boundaries (fear and values conflicts) and provide a 4-step process for working through those with them.
Remember that boundaries are an action, not an ask. So when clients are struggling with the behavior of others, our job is to help them determine what options they have that do not rely on their spouse or co-parent’s agreement or compliance. That’s where their power, peace, and safety lie.
Learn more about DCA® or any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:
This week we had a great networking event where we discussed the popular TED Talk, "How to avoid catching prickly emotions from other people". Did you know there's a cactus nicknamed the "jumping cholla" for it's tendency to seemingly shoot cactus spines into unsuspecting passersby?
The same thing can happen when we get too close to people having big emotions. When a spouse or co-parent is angry, hostile or negative, we can get hurt if we catch those feelings from them. Today we’re going to give you and your clients some information and tools to avoid this “jumping cholla effect” or what we call emotional contagion.
First we dig into how emotional contagion happens, where emotion comes from and how to work with clients to raise awareness about how their beliefs, expectations and even physical symptoms can contribute to this process.
Then we offer some strategies we call "bubble wrap" to provide protection from any pricks that might be flying your way. These include understanding mirror neurons; cognitive reappraisal; "OK, So what, Now What"; and of course, boundaries.
No one likes feeling hopeless and most clients who choose mediation are desperate to avoid the cost and stress of a trial, but how can we help when they feel like it's not going well and they're running out of options? Today we’re going to give you and your client some proven strategies to try when they’re feeling hopeless in their mediation process.
We start with differentiating between making a wish and having hope. While we often say "I hope this or that happens", we mean we are wishing it will happen because hope involves taking action toward a goal, while a wish is out of your control. And that's the great news...high hope people understand that taking action and problem solving not only gets them closer to their desired outcome, but also increases hope.
We talk through 5 strategies you can use with clients when they feel frustrated, stalled or ready to give up in mediation and give you an example of a client who used these tools to make an informed, intentional decision in her mediation process.
If you'd like to learn more and specialize in supporting clients in mediation, please join our next session of Pre-Mediation Divorce Coach Training beginning Feb 5.
Learn more about DCA® or any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:
Money fears are pretty common in divorce. Clients may be afraid they don’t know enough about money, won’t get enough money or they’ll have to give up too much money. Or they might have concerns that their partner will be difficult and they’ll have to fight to get what’s “fair”. By the way, most of us call “fair” the 4-letter F word in divorce because each person’s definition of “fair” is different and it’s the source of so much disagreement.
In this week’s episode, we dive into the first few important steps when working with money fears. When we are able to dial down fear, we also make it possible for clients to be less reactive, more flexible, and more strategic - and that means less conflict and better decisions.
We find it so interesting that financial fears are one of the most common instigators of divorce conflict because money is widely known as one of the leading causes of divorce in America. We're taking people who likely couldn’t agree about money in their marriage and asking them to make big decisions about money during their breakup. It just doesn’t seem like a recipe for success.
We review working with clients to establish a post-divorce budget and running through possible marital property settlement proposals. The key to minimizing money fears is a combination of understanding the divorce process, financial literacy, and values based decision making. When clients are prepared to negotiate from an interest based perspective, they improve the chances that they’ll get a satisfying outcome.
Learn more about DCA® or any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:
We're thrilled to be joined this week by Jackie Pilossoph, founder of Divorced Girl Smiling. Jackie says that Divorced Girl Smiling (DGS) is like going to Starbucks with your friend to talk about your divorce and your love life. DGS is about community — the community is those facing divorce and those who have dedicated their careers to helping people in their shoes.
Today we talk about why community is so vitally important for those experiencing divorce and how the right community can improve outcomes for everyone. One of Jackie's passions is matching people with the right professionals so they can get the expert support they need. She offers a free 30-minute consult for those going through divorce where she listens with an empathetic ear and then provides personal introductions to divorce professionals with the necessary skills, knowledge and expertise.
Jackie shares how she wishes divorce coaching had been accessible when she went through her divorce. She sees how valuable it would have been to have someone other than her attorney to help her process emotions, understand the process, advocate for herself, de-escalate conflict, and make values-based decisions.
Today we're shining a light on two of the biggest struggles faced by those of us running our businesses solo. And we can tell you from years of experience working with and training certified divorce coaches, the majority of us are independent practitioners. From juggling multiple hats to navigating the sometimes lonely path of entrepreneurship, we're doing it all. And, not everyone makes it.
Solopreneurship is not just a business venture; it's a courageous journey where we are the architects of our own destiny, navigating the challenges of self-reliance, embracing the solitude of innovation, and finding strength in the resilience of our entrepreneurial spirit. Exciting on one hand, yet tremendously scary at the same time!
Being a solopreneur is not for the faint of heart. We were exhausted just talking through the list of all the roles we have to play. And trying to do it all in isolation without support or social interaction - well that doubles the difficulty.
We've shared that scary ICF statistic that 4 out of 5 coaching businesses fail. But we know plenty of divorce coaching professionals who have thriving practices - it just takes strategy and intention to combat the struggles of solopreneurship. So while you may be running a solo practice, you don't have to do it alone!
Learn more about DCA® or any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:
When it comes to divorce, co-parenting and conflict, understanding the “why” behind someone's ugly behavior doesn’t provide the tools or strategies clients need to navigate dealing with these individuals. Instead, it can create mindsets that keep them stuck or even complicate the process.
They get caught in the trap of spending more time and energy trying to figure out why their partner behaves the way they do and not enough time and energy focused on how they can insulate themselves and find some peace.
Shifting roles from being someone’s spouse to being their ex is a complicated journey for most of us. Not only are our clients legally divorcing their spouse, but they also must go through the process of emotionally divorcing their spouse and that’s where some of this over-analysis originates.
In January, we held a networking event to discuss Jessica Garza’s TED Talk about emotional contagion and she introduced a strategy she calls “Ok. So What? Now What?” Listen in as we apply these 3 steps to helping clients get out of the rabbit hole of narcissism and shift the focus to peace, safety and decision making.
If you need support to navigate divorce or co-parenting with a difficult character, check out our new DCA online support groups. For just $75/month, you can meet weekly with a professional, certified divorce coach.
Learn more about DCA® or any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:
Nowhere is planning more important than when we are trying to communicate in the midst of big emotions or conflict. And today, we dig into the idea of using scripts or planning what you want to say and how you want to say it.
As ADR specialists, we’ve seen hundreds of conversations and negotiations go off the rails because one party failed to be intentional about their communication. We both spend quite a bit of time with clients working on their conflict communication skills by identifying goals, developing strategies, and crafting scripts.
In today's episode, we review the 4 basic communication styles and introduce a 3-step strategy you can use yourself or with clients to communicate assertively, set boundaries, de-escalate conflict, and protect your peace.
Get ready to learn about the life-changing power of:
Script
Speak
Stop
Does this 3-step strategy guarantee your client will get the response they are hoping for? No, not at all. But it does mean that they can walk away from the conversation with their self-respect, boundaries, and power intact. And that's everything.
Learn more about DCA® or any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:
We're excited for you to meet Nada Hariri, the DCA Director of Learning and Development for the Arabian Gulf. Nada is the first certified divorce coach in the region and has worked with hundreds of Arab clients all over the gulf area. She is an experienced coach, group facilitator, workshop leader, author and is currently pursuing her Master's in family counseling.
Nada is a revolutionary. She is lifting the taboo of talking about divorce and is seeing a both great need and a great desire for divorce support services for families in her part of the world. She is committed to training and certifying divorce coaches who speak the unique cultural and religious language of the divorce process in Arab countries.
Even though divorce is allowed, people in the Arabian Gulf must navigate both the legal and religious aspects because the divorce process itself is based on Sharia Law. Muslim communities continue to redefine how to practice Islam in the modern world even as they remain faithful to its general precepts as a guide to correct living and religious practice.
Nada hopes to expand culturally relevant support to help Arabic families make their way through the process in a manner that honors both the modern family and traditional values. She believes that certified ADR divorce coaches are the key to help increase understanding, reduce conflict, and manage the practical and emotional facets of divorce in the gulf area.
The first cohort of DCA Certified ADR Divorce Coach training specifically for the Arabian Gulf begins the week of April 14. Visit the DCA website and schedule a one-on-one meeting with Nada to learn more about this revolutionary program.
Learn more about DCA® or any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:
Just because we have the word “divorce” in our job title doesn’t mean that we encourage divorce . As a matter of fact, you might be surprised to learn that we sometimes help save marriages. It’s true. In fact, our favorite time to work with clients is when they are still trying to make that difficult decision of whether they should stay married or get divorced.
Because we are actually happiness advocates. One of our most important jobs is to help clients self-discover where and how they are most likely to be able to live a fulfilling and happy life. And sometimes that means that by working with us, clients get the skills and tools to communicate more directly, set effective boundaries, manage conflict and release the burden of people-pleasing enough to change the dynamic of the relationship for the better.
We often have an amazing opportunity to help them determine if 1) they’ve really already decided but some fear is holding them back or 2) they still have hope and just don’t know how to change the repetitive patterns that have developed over time.
Listen in as Tracy and Debra discuss what experts say are the 6 most important factors for a happy relationship and how we work with clients to pinpoint what's wrong and what's possible.
Learn more about DCA® or any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:
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