Explore every episode of Beyond Bitchy: Mastering the Art of Boundaries
Dive into the complete episode list for Beyond Bitchy: Mastering the Art of Boundaries. Each episode is cataloged with detailed descriptions, making it easy to find and explore specific topics. Keep track of all episodes from your favorite podcast and never miss a moment of insightful content.
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28 Jul 2021
#143 - 4 Essentials for Mastering Boundaries (Part II)
00:33:43
Last week, I talked about the first two of the four essentials for mastering boundaries: “Who’s Got the Power?” and “Stinkin’ Thinkin’.” (If these don’t sound familiar, I recommend going back tolisten to Episode 142.) This week, I’ll cover the third and fourth essentials: “Live and Let Live,” and “Change (So That I Can Feel Better).”
But before we begin, I want to share a big announcement: this will be the final episode of the Beyond Bitchy podcast. This has been a productive and fulfilling season of my life, but it’s time to bring it to a close and let the next season begin. If you want to keep up with what I’m doing next, please visit and subscribe to myRadiant Threefold Path Blogor follow me on Facebook, Instagram or YouTube. Thank you for being part of this podcast journey!
Biggest Takeaways From Episode #143:
Others have a right to live the way they want, just as you have a right to live your life in the way you want. If you don’t like someone else’s choices, your power is in how you choose to respond.
The fourth essential probably addresses most of the problems you have with boundaries. If you want someone to change to make you feel better, you’re in one of the biggest pitfalls of creating effective boundaries.
When you find yourself wanting someone to change, go back to essential #1: “Who’s Got the Power?” In short, you can take action around protecting yourself, or make a request of the other person.
The biggest challenge you will probably face is the practice of returning to you, staying with your reality, and knowing what you want.
Highlights from Episode #143:
Welcome to episode #143! Vicki quickly recaps the first two essentials for mastering boundaries, which she discussed in detail inthe previous episode. [00:39]
The third of Vicki’s four essentials is “Live and Let Live.” She talks about this in more depth, explaining what is (and isn’t) under your control. [04:56]
Vicki shares an example of “Live and Let Live.” [08:17]
How somebody dresses is another example of the third essential point. [11:27]
The fourth essential encompasses most problems you likely have with boundaries. [12:50]
Vicki digs into what the problem is with believing that someone should change to make you feel better. [15:40]
What should you do when you find yourself wanting someone to change? Vicki answers, then recaps the four essentials that she has covered. [17:58]
Vicki gives an example to illustrate the difference between what you could record and what you made up. [20:14]
Vicki makes a big announcement about the podcast: this will be the final episode. [24:24]
Are you wondering what to do about your future boundaries challenges? Vicki promises that the answer is somewhere in the previous episodes of the podcast. She then invites you to sit down with a 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier, do the quiet inner work to discover your reality, your vision, where your power lies, and what action to take. [29:11]
At some point, all of us will have experiences that require us to focus our attention on ourselves in an intense way. For example, an advanced cancer diagnosis, an accident, or shocking news may require you to go into extreme self-care. This is the kind of self-care I’ve been practicing for the last several weeks, and why there was a gap between Episode #49 and #50. I’m so glad to be back!
Biggest Takeaways From Episode #50:
At certain points in our lives, each of us needs to go into what Vicki calls “emotional ICU.” This, she explains, is why there has been a gap between the last episode and this one — she has been in her own emotional ICU.
If you tend to put others ahead of yourself and give too much, you might struggle with practicing extreme self-care when you need to.
Here are some ideas for extreme self-care: delegate daily tasks that you usually do yourself (like cooking), temporarily neglect things that simply aren’t that important, set up an auto reply for your email, or take a step back from your online presence.
When you want to support and help others, you need to be coming from a place of fullness and abundance. The world needs you to take care of yourself so that you can give back to the world.
Highlights from Episode #50:
Welcome back to the Beyond Bitchy Podcast! Vicki acknowledges the gap between the last episode and this one. [00:39]
Vicki digs deeper into why she has been absent, and relates her explanation to previous points about boundaries. [02:51]
Let’s talk about extreme self-care, with examples of what it looks like. [07:54]
Why should we embrace the fact that it’s okay to practice extreme self-care? [11:23]
Vicki shares something she has learned over the past few months: how hard it is to ask for help when you need it. [14:37]
We hear some specific examples of extreme self-care. [19:01]
Vicki loves drinking a variety of teas from all over the world, and talks about how she used the experience of having a cup of tea as a form of self-nurturing during her recent emotional ICU period. [24:20]
We learn about how extreme self-care relates to boundaries. [26:09]
Vicki gives listeners a homework assignment related to self-care. [29:14]
#12: Your Power Center (Step 3 of the 5-Step Boundary Solution)
00:31:59
Today you’ll learn about the third step of the 5-Step Boundary Solution process, Identifying Your Power Center. (If you haven’t already heard the previous two episodes, I recommend listening to them first.) Most of us have a conflicted, or even negative, relationship with power. Step 3 is all about identifying your power center. Tune in to learn all about power: what it is, its negative and positive aspects, and how to use it as you are developing better personal and relationship boundaries.
Biggest Takeaways From Episode #12:
Power can be defined as the ability to do something or act in a particular way, or the capacity to direct or influence the behavior of others or the course of events.
Power appears in three general ways along a continuum. On one extreme is power-over. On the other extreme is powerlessness. In the healthy middle is authentic personal power. Most of us default toward one end of this continuum.
People who use power-over strategies often make demands or tell others what to do. People closer to the powerless end tend not to use the power that they have. Generally speaking, men tend to default toward the power-over side of the continuum, and women toward the powerless end.
A person who acts from a place of authentic personal power realizes that the only person she has power over is herself. She’s in touch with her needs and wants, and she’s aware of (and accountable for) the impact of her behavior on other people.
Highlights from Episode #12:
Today, Vicki will cover step 3 of the 5-Step Boundary Solution: Identifying Your Power Center. [02:04]
We learn about the definitions of power. [03:53]
For most of us, power shows up in three general ways that lie along a continuum. [05:25]
Cesar Millan had an episode in his television show, Dog Whisperer with Cesar Millan, featuring a powerful CEO who was, on the one hand, very powerful in the workplace, yet powerless around his own dogs' behaviors. This simple example illustrates how we can exercise power differently in different situations. [08:00]
Vicki takes a moment to talk about power and gender. [10:34]
At best, power-over is controlling—at worst, it’s abusive. [14:18]
Vicki shares some of the ways you can tell whether you’re operating through authentic personal power. [15:48]
In this step of the 5-Step Boundary Solution process, you’ll identify one of four options. [20:29]
There are dangers that come with not owning the power you have, or when you attempt to have power in situations where you don’t. [29:29]
Did you know that tuning into your body is a brilliant source of information about you and your emotions? It can even help you learn about the boundaries you may want to set. The first step is to notice when you feel emotions in your body, and then start identifying which physical sensations track to which emotions for you.
Biggest Takeaways From Episode #128:
Once you’ve noticed the signals from your body, you get to interpret them. You can download this emotions chart based on Pia Mellody’s work for some guidance.
Anger, fear, emotional pain, love, and shame are some of the most common emotions, and they’re a great place to start as you’re figuring out how you physically feel emotions.
If you feel anger or fear, you may need to set a boundary or express a limit. Pay attention to what your body is telling you, and ask yourself whether a boundary would fit the situation.
Next time you have a noticeable physical reaction to an experience, take a moment to identify your sensations. From there, assess what emotions are connected to those sensations.
Highlights from Episode #128:
Welcome to today’s episode! We learn about today’s topic, which has to do with bodies and boundaries (but maybe not in the way you expect). [00:39]
What does it mean to tune into your body as a source of information? [03:04]
Vicki offers some examples of what different emotions might feel like in your body. [06:56]
We hear about some potential sensations for emotional pain, love, and shame. [09:32]
Anger and fear often come up in situations where we need to set a boundary or limit, Vicki explains. [12:21]
What does it mean if you feel a visceral aversion to someone or something? [15:29]
Vicki recommends what to do next time you have a physical sensation in response to an interaction or experience. [18:44]
There's been a lot of talk recently about free speech—specifically, news stories about a somewhat infamous media figure who was banned from several major social media sites. It got me to thinking about the limits of free speech, which is all about boundaries. In this episode I'll talk about why boundaries have a lot to do with free speech, as well as how freedom of speech operates in both physical and virtual space.
Biggest Takeaways From Episode #28:
Although each of us is free to say or do whatever we want, freedom to do what we want also comes with certain consequences—positive, neutral, or negative.
Boundaries create limits, but they also create space. The amount of space a boundary creates has a lot to do with the limit that is created. For example, if you put a fence around your property, you’re creating a clear limit, but you’re also creating more private space that can only be accessed by you.
Free speech is determined by who controls the space where speech occurs. Whoever owns or controls a space gets to decide what the limits are. This is true whether it’s a physical space (such as your house or a business’ office) or a virtual space (such as a social media site, website, or blog).
It’s not anyone's responsibility to provide a platform or vehicle for another person to get information they want. For example, if you're following someone on Twitter and they get banned because of Twitter's boundaries, Twitter is not responsible for providing you a platform to connect with the person they banned. Today, just about anyone with a small amount of resources and money can create their own virtual space, which makes giving and getting information freely far more accessible than at any other time in human history.
Highlights from Episode #28:
We hear about the topic of today’s episode, as well as the inspiration for it. [00:48]
Vicki reads the first amendment of the U.S. Constitution for listeners who may need a refresher. She then digs into the topic of consequences. [03:11]
Boundaries not only create limits; they also create space. Vicki explores this concept, then links it to the concept of free speech. [07:32]
Vicki gives examples of what it means for people who own a particular physical or virtual space to make decisions about who and how others are permitted to express themselves in those spaces. [12:04]
We learn how the concepts Vicki has been exploring relate to virtual space. [16:51]
Vicki points out that just about anyone with some resources can create their own virtual space to say whatever they want to say. [22:03]
There are some environments that are truly oppressive in terms of what they allow people to say or express, and when you encounter one of those, it's probably best to find another community or environment that allow you greater freedom of expression. [24:40]
I’m so grateful, amazed, and happy to be here releasing episode #100 of the podcast! And I’m truly humbled by some of the responses I’ve received, and the impact this podcast has had on listeners. Let’s celebrate by looking back on how all this came to be, and exploring some powerful concepts around quality over quantity and creating transformation one choice at a time.
Biggest Takeaways From Episode #100:
This podcast came from a quick decision, and was launched within a couple months. Since then, it’s been downloaded in over 90 countries and has almost 600,000 unique downloads.
One action, word, choice, or thought can have immense power, while a thousand other actions or choices can be essentially meaningless. It’s all about quality over quantity. It’s important to deliberately choose what we engage in.
Simple choices followed by minute-by-minute choices and actions can be incredibly powerful. I’d like to invite you to find something in yourself that wants to be spoken, expressed, or acted upon, and take the next baby step toward fulfilling it.
Highlights from Episode #100:
Welcome to Episode #100 of the Beyond Bitchy podcast! Vicki chats briefly about her30-day Facebook Live eventbefore explaining what she’ll talk about in today’s episode. [00:39]
Vicki talks about how the podcast came to be. [03:24]
This episode was partially inspired by one of her favorite chapters ofThe Dhammapada, Vicki explains, and reads a few short verses. [08:27]
Vicki ties the concept of quality over quantity together with the theme of boundaries. [12:43]
We hear about a post that Vicki recently saw on Instagram, and how she decided to join the conversation. [14:40]
Vicki also loves the verses she shared because they hint at the hope of redemption and transformation. [18:07]
This podcast was a simple choice, then a series of choices and actions. Vicki invites listeners to take the next baby step. [21:46]
#133 - Speaking to Be Heard (Part 2 of a Deeper Dive Into the Talking Boundary)
00:36:43
If you haven’t heardlast week’s episodeyet, I recommend listening to that one too if you’re interested in this exploration of the talking boundary. In that episode, I covered what the talking boundary is, and what talking boundary violations look like. This time, I’ll move into what it looks like when you have a healthy, effective talking boundary. I’ll also share some questions to ask yourself to help ensure your talking boundary is in great shape.
Biggest Takeaways From Episode #133:
The first way to use a healthy talking boundary is to say what you would like or what you want, instead of saying what the other person did that you didn’t like.
Another important way to use your talking boundary in a healthy way is to lead with agreement. Mastering your listening boundary will also help you develop a strong, healthy talking boundary.
Here are some questions to ask yourself when you’re using the talking boundary:
Is the other person in a position to really hear me and take in what I’m saying?
What response do I expect to get from this person?
Do I need to speak my truth regardless of the response?
Can I express what I want to say in a way that’s completely about me?
Would it be better if I waited for 24 hours to say what I want to say?
Highlights from Episode #133:
Did you catchlast week’s episode? This one continues the exploration of the talking boundary that Vicki started then. [00:39]
Vicki shares some thoughts on the questionbehindthe question, “Are talking boundary violations verbal abuse?” [04:09]
We learn the first way to use a healthy talking boundary, with Vicki offering an example from her own life. [07:27]
Vicki offers some general questions to ask yourself before you speak. [13:07]
It’s important to think of what your intention is before you express yourself, Vicki points out. [23:47]
Leading with agreement is the second way to use a healthy talking boundary. [26:36]
We learn about how one-word responses (or even silence) can work. [29:24]
Vicki explains that mastering the listening boundary is the best way to strengthen your talking boundary. [32:15]
Thanks to all the listeners for the great feedback and questions you’ve been submitting. This episode is a response to a listener’s question about the difference between demands and requests. Tune in to learn about the difference between the two, and whether it’s possible to create a boundary with another person without making a request.
Biggest Takeaways From Episode #41:
Almost everyone struggles around knowing the difference between demands and requests. Even if you feel you understand the difference intellectually, it can be easy—and tempting—to use demands rather than requests.
A request involves asking politely, respectfully, or formally for something. A demand is a forceful statement in which you say that something must be done or given to you.
If you confuse creating a boundary with making demands or making a request, you will be in trouble. Creating a boundary with another person requires that you have an agreement with that person.
Even if you have very good reasons to be concerned about your spouse, every adult has a right to make the choices they want to make, even when their choices are behaviors that may not be healthy for them.
Highlights from Episode #41:
Welcome to a quick-tips episode that was inspired by a listener’s question, which Vicki paraphrases. [00:40]
Vicki starts her answer to the listener’s question by defining requests and demands, and shares an example of a request that her husband made of her. [04:54]
We learn why confusing boundaries and demands is problematic. [07:43]
Demands are often made when a person is feeling anxious or very attached to the outcome, Vicki explains. [10:16]
Vicki makes a couple of comments about specific aspects of the listener’s question. [12:01]
What do you do when your spouse is engaging in unhealthy behaviors like eating too much, eating junk food, or smoking. [14:48]
Vicki offers advice for when your spouse thinks they’re a victim when you are not in fact breaking an agreement. [19:25]
It's time to talk about boundaries and codependency! In today's episode we'll discuss how to recognize codependency, why codependency is a boundary problem, and how to stay on your side of the street. We're all battling codependency to one degree or another, so tune in and find out how codependency stops you from creating the limits you need to create.
Biggest Takeaways From Episode #58:
How to recognize codependency in your life.
Why codependency is a boundary problem.
The 5 core issues in codependency.
Six common signs you may be struggling with codependency.
Resources for learning more about codependency and how to overcome it.
Highlights from Episode #58:
Welcome back to the show! Today’s episode is a deeper dive into the relationship between codependency and boundaries.. [00:39]
Vicki talks about codependency and gives a little background on the term. [02:46]
Codependent No More is a book that helped Vicki recognize codependency. [07:10]
Vicki gives her definition of codependency. [08:38]
Codependency is a boundary problem. [11:55]
The 5 core issues as taught by Pia Mellody in her book, Facing Codependence. [14:23]
Six signs you might be struggling with codependency. [23:39]
Vicki gives some ideas and tools to help put an end to codependent behavior. [34:08]
There are several 12-step community programs that can help you dive deeper into understanding codependency and Vicki discusses these. [40:33]
#110 - What to Do When People Make You Feel Left Out
00:40:00
I’ve definitely felt left out, forgotten, or excluded… and I’m guessing you have, too. This episode, which was inspired by a listener’s question, is about what to do when you feel that way. I’ll do things a little differently this time! Using the question as a foundation, I’ll walk you through the 5-Step Boundary Solution Process. (Follow along with the5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier.)
Biggest Takeaways From Episode #110:
Trying to figure out the “why” of someone who makes you feel left out is generally a distraction and a waste of time. You can only get the answer by asking them, and they may or may not tell the truth.
There are two options for how to stop the sort of situation that the listener has described: try to get the other person to change, or make your own changes.
People don’t “make” us feel left out (or anything else). Instead, it’s our own thoughts about the data that make us feel a certain way.
In this situation of feeling left out, you have two options for taking action: limit or stop contact with the person/people involved, or make a specific request of them.
Highlights from Episode #110:
Welcome to Episode #110! Vicki talks about the feeling of being left out, which is something we all go through. [00:39]
#25 - Part 2 Accountability & Intimacy: Who Decides Whether You're Being Accountable?
00:24:55
What do you do if someone is trying to hold you accountable, but you don’t think you’ve done anything to be accountable for? What if you don’t feel sorry or remorseful for a minor mistake that you’ve made? What if someone is using accountability as a weapon and using it as a tool to blame, punish, or shame you? Accountability can be a confusing, complex, and messy topic, and this episode will answer all these questions—and more.
Biggest Takeaways From Episode #25:
When someone confronts you about something, you need to determine whether you have the same perception that you have acted in a boundaryless, offensive, or boundary-violating manner.
Everyone has sensitivities and vulnerabilities that we may not know about. Another person may take offense and feel pain about something we say or do even though we had no intention of causing harm.
It’s possible to weaponize accountability and use it as a tool to punish or shame other people. If you’re in a situation where someone is using accountability as a weapon against you or you use accountability as a weapon, I recommend listening to Episode 19 (When They Go Low . . . We Go Lower) to learn how to respond.
Must accountability be followed by contrition or remorse? The answer goes back to whether you agree that you needed to be held accountable. If you made a minor mistake or you simply don't believe that you've done anything for which you need to be accountable, you may not feel remorse at all. Keep in mind that some people may not show remorse even when they feel it.
Highlights from Episode #25:
In Episode 22, Vicki talked about accountability and intimacy. This episode is a follow-up to the previous episode, and an answer to a blog follower's question about accountability and remorse. [00:46]
Vicki shares an example from her own life when no offense was intended. [03:57]
Everyone has certain vulnerabilities and things that they’re sensitive about, Vicki explains. [08:29]
We learn more about what it looks like when someone uses accountability as a weapon, and what to do if someone uses accountability as a weapon against you. [10:13]
Vicki addresses a question that was submitted to her on her blog: “does accountability need to be followed by contrition?” [13:57]
It’s not helpful for us to have outsized shame responses or pain when we’re essentially being human, Vicki points out. [19:51]
This special episode is a little different than usual! Last week, I did a live call to answer the massive backlog of listener questions from the podcast, and this episode is a recording of that call. If you’ve ever submitted a question, tune in since I might have answered yours directly. And if you haven’t, I’m going over such a broad range of questions that you’ll still find something relevant to you. So settle in with a cup of tea, and enjoy!
Biggest Takeaways From Episode #96:
There are themes in the boundary-related questions that I’ve gotten over the years. One example is that somebody in your life is doing (or not doing) something that really bothers you, or that you’re doing something that really bothers another person and you’re struggling to accept their reaction. Another theme that comes up is what to do if someone you know has a specific condition or diagnosis.
During this episode (and beyond!), listen for what you can relate to, and how my answer can apply to your unique situation.
If someone isn’t making a request directly, it’s not really a request. “You should take the garbage out” is an opinion, not a request.
It’s a boundary violation to insist on having your way with another person’s body. This applies to sexual relationships with your partner. Maybe less obviously, it also applies to interactions with children, who should have the right to refuse an unwanted hug or touch.
Highlights from Episode #96:
Welcome to this episode, which will be a little different! [00:39]
Vicki lists some ways you can get your question answered in the future. She then talks about the themes she gets in questions about boundaries. [04:25]
We hear some quick tips on how to handle the common themes that Vicki has just discussed, starting with what to do when someone is doing something that bothers you. [11:49]
Vicki moves onto the second category: something you’re doing (or not) that bothers someone else. She then talks about the third theme: dealing with conditions or diagnoses. [16:20]
Vicki lists the specific categories of topics that she’ll talk about today. [19:40]
Today’s first question is about a social invitation during the pandemic. [20:39]
Vicki points out that every person who owns or controls a space has a right to decide how someone shows up in that space. [27:49]
We move onto dealing with questions around long-term relationships and marriage. The first question comes from someone with a sensitive spouse who makes many requests. [30:35]
The next question about long-term relationships involves narcissistic partners. [39:48]
Vicki shares the next question, which comes from a highly accomplished listener who wants advice on having a business with a romantic partner. [42:55]
We hear a question about physical and sexual boundaries. [47:34]
Vicki goes over a few questions with very quick answers. The first comes from a listener who has strong negative reactions to requests from strangers. [53:49]
The next quick-answer question involves a partner who has broken boundaries in the past. [57:43]
Vicki tackles a controversial topic: boundaries related to race and culture. [62:05]
We hear a question from another culture about men being held responsible for how their wives look or dress. [68:33]
What do you do when somebody is upset with you? Today’s question on this theme involves a disagreement between friends. [72:00]
Vicki moves onto discussing a question about teaching boundaries to children. [76:00]
The next question is about adult children setting boundaries with parents. [81:59]
Vicki wraps things up by taking a moment to thank listeners. [87:34]
#70 - Two Types of Self-Care & Committing to Both!
00:30:55
Knowing the two types of self-care and practicing both is good for you and everyone around you! Tune in and learn the two types of self-care, why you may be challenged around meeting your self-care needs and how to hold yourself accountable for practicing good self-care.
Biggest Takeaways From Episode #70:
There are two types of self-care: self-care needs and self-care wants.
We learn about self-care first in our family of origin.
If some of our needs were neglected as children, we may struggle to practice self-care as an adult and we may pass neglect on to our children.
Self-care wants are just as — if not more — important than self-care needs.
Use self-care wants as a reward for attending to self-care needs.
Commit to at least one self-care want every day, and work your way up to three, or more!
Highlights from Episode #70:
Welcome to the show! [00:40]
A listener inspired this episode with questions about self-care. [00:54]
Vicki brings up the issue of self-care and how self-care related to boundaries that we set for ourselves. [02:15]
Without setting limits on ourselves, we aren't able to function. [03:09]
Setting personal healthy limits creates space for health and well-being. [05:34]
Vicki discusses the two categories of self-care, and what the term means. [06:09]
We learn about the 11 self-care needs, which are listed below. [06:18]
Our parents teach us about self-care through their own behavior and how they parented us. [09:40]
We need to be mindful of all 11 self-care needs to teach our children. [11:05]
Does self-care feel more like a chore than a joy? [13:22]
Vicki speaks about self-care wants, which are activities that we love to do and that we feel good about after we've done them. [14:28]
Self-care wants are highly individualized, and self-care looks different for men and women. [17:01]
Why self-care wants are just as crucial as needs. [19:56]
When our self-care wants are taken care of, we have a buffer that helps us avoid drama and conflict. [21:34]
Vicki tells us how to get self-care done. [23:02]
Find someone to be your accountability partner to help with your progress. [24:59]
To make self-care needs easier to take care of, schedule your appointments in advance and reward yourself when you complete them. [26:24]
Commit to a bare minimum of one self-care want each day, and work your way up to at least three. [30:05]
Have you ever felt like you were in a one-sided relationship? This episode was inspired by a listener asking for help with that very issue. Vicki explain how to set boundaries if you feel you're being taken advantage of, and why if you don’t, you may end up feeling angry and resentful.
Biggest Takeaways From Episode #63:
Healthy relationships feel mutual, even though there may be temporary imbalances in giving and receiving.
One-sided relationship usually cause anger, which leads to resentment.
Only you have the power to change a relationship.
Check out your perceptions if you think a relationship is one-sided? Does the data back it up?
If you're the person doing all the work in a relationship, the only action you need to take is to do less!
No one is obligated to explain or justify decisions we make to others.
Highlights from Episode #63:
Welcome back to the show! [00:40]
Vicki is discussing one-sided relationships, meaning that one person is giving more than the other. [01:07]
Have you ever felt this way in your personal relationships? At work? [01:45]
Unbalanced relationships can eventually feel unsatisfying. [02:36]
Vicki reads the listener's question that inspired this episode. [02:50]
How do we express our thoughts and feelings and set boundaries when a relationship is one-sided? [04:13]
Victim anger is Vicki's favorite definition of resentment. [05:25]
Does the data back up your perception? [06:50]
One thing you can do is pull back a bit or stop doing what you've been doing. [08:52]
If fear is keeping you from taking action, Vicki recommends two things you can do — baby steps and accountability. [12:45]
Should you tell the other person what you think or how you feel about an imbalance in a relationship? [14:20]
If you are the one in the relationship doing everything, the only action you need to take is to do less. [16:32]
Express what you want and see what happens. The response may surprise you. [18:10]
You don't need to explain yourself to anyone if you say no. If the other person has a problem with it, it is on their side of street to discuss with you. [20:11]
Sometimes maintaining connections while setting healthy boundaries mean we use fewer words. [22:30]
#79 - Boundaries Quick Tips Episode #12: What's In Your Circle of Control?
00:18:38
There’s a simple reason that this episode on what's in our circle of control is a quick tips episode: our circle of control is pretty tiny! But confusion about what’s inside and outside of that circle is at the heart of many questions I get from listeners so the topic is worth reviewing. Tune in to learn how to stay in your own lane, and what to ask yourself when you're tempted to control.
Biggest Takeaways From Episode #79:
Our circle of control includes what we have the power to make happen on our own. This means what we can say, where we can go, and what we can do.
Most of us wish that our circle of control were much larger. You might find yourself feeling frustrated that your circle of control is much smaller than you’d like it to be.
Some examples of things that are outside of your circle of control include what your partner consumes or wears, how your partner drives, what other people think or how they feel, how much time a sibling spends with your parents, or how your spouse manages an addiction.
When you leave your circle of control, you move into controlling others. This means two things will likely happen: you’ll be frustrated, and you’ll create friction and disconnection with the other person.
Highlights from Episode #79:
Vicki welcomes listeners to a quick tips episode about what’s in your circle of control. [00:39]
We hear some examples of things that lie outside of our circle of control. [02:35]
Next, we learn whatiswithin our circle of control, which is what we’re able to do or accomplish on our own. [05:46]
What happens if you go outside of your circle of control? [07:21]
Vicki talks about what to do when you’re tempted to try to control someone else, and discusses four questions to ask yourself (from the work of Laura Doyle) when you want to leave your circle of control. [09:18]
Trying to get your spouse to change a long-standing pattern or habit that is not truly a serious issue, usually causes disconnection or a loss of intimacy. [14:08]
Vicki recaps the four questions that she has been talking about in depth. She also talks about what we can do when something is outside of our control. [16:17]
#61 - 4 Reasons Why Arguing Perceptions is a Losing Battle
00:31:34
In this episode Vicki talks about why arguing perceptions is almost always a losing battle. Perceptions are just opinions, and everyone has one. When we argue perceptions we forget that everyone has a right to theirs, and that two people can have exactly the same experience and perceive it completely differently. And the worst part is we often lose intimacy with others for the sake of being right, winning an argument, or simply proving out point.
Biggest Takeaways From Episode #61:
Your opinions are your perceptions, so arguing about them is futile.
When arguing your perceptions, ask what do you hope to gain?
Life experiences, culture, and many other factors give us different perceptions than someone else might have about the same topic, event, or circumstance.
Having a conversation or discussion with another person on subjects you don’t agree on can help you learn about each other.
If your conversations or debates stop being fun, you may need to agree to disagree.
Highlights from Episode #61:
Welcome back to the show! Today’s episode about why arguing perceptions is a losing battle. [04:46]
There are 4 reasons why arguing perceptions is almost always a losing battle [05:16]
In relationships we bump up against other people’s opinions and perceptions, and this is where boundaries come into play. [09:26]
How arguing perceptions is related to problems with the listening boundary. [10:15]
The first reason why arguing perception is a losing battle is what's the point? What are you hoping to gain? [12:55]
The second reason arguing perceptions is a losing battle is that both of your perceptions may be correct. [15:02]
The third reason is you risk losing intimacy with the other person. [19:58]
The fourth reason arguing perceptions is a losing battle is because people tend to become even more attached to their opinions when they have to defend them. [23:42]
What to do when you think someone is lying but they say they're not. [25:34]
When parenting children, if you have a difference of perception than your spouse about parenting, ideally you need to come an agreement that both of you can live with. [28:46]
If discussions stop being fun it might be time to disagree, rather than become disagreeable. [30:40]
#107 - You Can Ask for Anything (and the Answer May Be No)
00:14:46
So many people struggle to speak up or make a request to get their needs or wants met, so I tell you all the time that you can ask anyone for anything. But just as you have the freedom to ask, the other person has the freedom to say “no” if they so choose. (They can also say “yes” or negotiate a different agreement with you.) An email I received recently is a perfect example of both this freedom to ask, and the freedom to decline.
Biggest Takeaways From Episode #107:
It’s better to ask and get a “no” than to just not ask. Often, people will even be happy or excited to be able to do something for you.
When you ask someone for something, the other person is completely free to say either “yes” or “no”—or to negotiate another agreement.
A recent email inspired this episode, and gives me the opportunity to demonstrate how to receive a request and how to say “no” if the request doesn't work for you.
Highlights from Episode #107:
Vicki welcomes listeners to the episode, and explains the inspiration for today’s topic. [00:39]
We hear about the three possible answers that someone can give when you make a request. [02:41]
Vicki reads the email that she received recently that inspired this episode. [04:10]
We hear a quick aside from Vicki to clarify that she absolutely wants women to respect and honor themselves before she continues to read the email. [09:13]
Vicki completely agrees about the negativity of certain demeaning words, she explains. However, the name of the podcast is not at all the equivalent of calling women the B-word. [10:13]
The name of the podcast was inspired by a quote that Vicki saw in 2015. [11:31]
Vicki reiterates that you can ask for anything. In the case of the email request she received, the answer is “thank you for your feedback, and no. I wish you all the best.” [13:43]
#40 - The Listening Boundary Part 3: High Quality Listening = Higher Quality Responses
00:29:23
Thank you for joining me for the third and final part in my series on the complicated—but so important—listening boundary. If you’ve missed the earlier episodes, I recommend that you go back to listen to Part 1 and Part 2. Today, we’ll move from what happens to you internally as you listen to how you may want to respond.
Biggest Takeaways From Episode #40:
When your listening boundary is working well, you’re not only filtering what you’re hearing, but also paying very close attention to your own thoughts that are generated in response to what was said.
When what the other person said is also true for you, you can simply say that you agree.
If what they said isn’t true for you, start your response with the part that you do agree with. This is called “leading with agreement.”
If you’re not really sure whether you agree with what you heard, or what you think about it, you can ask clarifying questions. It’s also okay not to have an opinion, or to say that you don’t know.
There are some tools or skills to use when you’re in a difficult situation. These include paying attention to the physical space between you and the other person, remembering who the other person is to you, and creating a sense of protection for yourself.
Highlights from Episode #40:
Vicki welcomes listeners to the third part of her series on the listening boundary. [00:48]
We hear a quick recap of what Vicki covered in Part 2 of the series. [03:13]
Vicki talks about how you might proceed based on the three internal responses if your listening boundary is working well. [06:23]
If someone important in your life tends to automatically respond with a “no,” a great strategy is to tell them what you want to talk about and suggest having the conversation later. [12:22]
Vicki makes another point about areas where you have a difference of opinion. These situations can cause stress in relationships. [15:11]
We learn about how to respond if you’re not sure what you think or whether you agree. [18:04]
Vicki shares some tools and skills for dealing with a difficult situation or person. [19:50]
There are other ways to think about your listening boundary, Vicki points out, then gives an example. [24:45]
Have you ever made a commitment to yourself or to someone you care about that you didn’t keep? Have you ever promised yourself you would stop doing something or even treating another person abusively, but you just couldn't stop? Then it may be time for extreme accountability! Listen to learn why it's sometimes necessary to interject some extreme accountability in your life, and stay tuned to the end to hear my extreme accountability commitment to you!
Biggest Takeaways From Episode #55:
Many times the person we let down with our commitments is ourself. If you’ve made a commitment to yourself that you couldn’t keep, then it may be time to consider extreme accountability.
Extreme accountability cannot be implemented for someone else. Just as you cannot make another person change, you also cannot make them take action.
An extreme accountability measure for one person may not work for another person. Every person’s commitment is completely unique and should match their skills, abilities, resources, and situation.
Go public to the right people with your commitment. We are much more likely to keep our commitments when we make them to another person. Let your support system know what your goal is and how you intend to reach it.
Highlights from Episode #55:
Welcome back to the show! It’s time to talk about extreme accountability. [00:39]
What is accountability? [04:00]
When do you need extreme accountability? [07:22]
How to create your own extreme accountability. [19:55]
One person’s extreme accountability may not be appropriate for you. [22:13]
Why you should go public with your extreme accountability. [23:44]
Learn about Vicki’s extreme accountability commitment to podcast listeners. [24:30]
#98 - 7 Questions to Ask Before Speaking Your Authentic Truth
00:38:07
It’s important to speak your authentic truth, but that doesn’t mean you should do so blindly or recklessly. Today, I want to share seven questions to ask yourself before sharing your authentic truth with someone else to get clarity and ensure that you’re doing it in a relational way.
Biggest Takeaways From Episode #98:
It isn’t always easy to share our authentic truth. We may not even know what it is, or we may be unwilling to admit to ourselves what it is. Or we may mistake a knee jerk reaction for our authentic truth, or feel unworthy or like it’s not important.
Not sharing your authentic truth in a relational way with another person might mean you miss the opportunity to experience more intimacy with them. But we don’t need to express every belief or opinion we have.
There are seven questions you can ask yourself to get clarity about speaking your truth to other people in a relational way. #1: Do I want to be heard? #2: Can this person hear me? #3: What response do I expect to hear? #4: Am I wanting to poke the bear? #5: Do I need to express myself, regardless of the response that I get? #6. Can I express what I want to say in such a way that it’s completely about me, rather than the other person? #7. Would it be possible for me to wait for 24 hours before expressing this emotion or thought?
#109 - Is It Ever Okay to Violate Another Person's Boundaries?
00:29:39
The reality is that we violate other people’s boundaries all the time, and tell ourselves that we have a right to do it. But is that true? Is it ever okay to violate someone else’s boundaries? You may already know the answer as soon as you hear the question, but there are a lot of nuances to this complex topic, so we’ll take a deep dive into it.
Biggest Takeaways From Episode #109:
If you have an agreement with another person about something that’s usually a boundary, such as an open phone policy between partners, it’s not a boundary violation.
Each of us has a right to our bodies and our physical belongings (such as our phones, computers, or journals).
We cannot control other people. If you try to control another person, you damage connection and intimacy.
If you’re tempted to violate someone’s boundaries, be honest with yourself about what you’re really concerned about. Remember that other people are free to make their own choices—even if they are poor, unhealthy, or self-destructive choices. How will your intrusion into their circle of control be helpful to your relationship with them?
When you have the power to protect yourself, do it! But if something you need or want relies on another person changing their behavior, you don’t have control over that.
Highlights from Episode #109:
Vicki welcomes listeners to the show and shares the question at the heart of today’s episode: is it ever okay to violate another person’s boundaries? [00:39]
We get a refresher on what boundary violations and ruptures are, with a few examples. [05:55]
The listener question that inspired this episode relates to the physical boundary, Vicki explains. She then shares examples of times when we might be tempted to violate boundaries. [11:26]
What do you do if you’re tempted to violate another person’s boundaries? [15:50]
We often focus on trying to get more information, instead of what we can do to protect ourselves, Vicki explains. She then shares another consideration to take into account when you’re tempted to violate a boundary. [20:12]
Vicki suggests a few questions to ask yourself when tempted to violate a boundary. [23:13]
We all end up violating another person’s boundaries from time to time. However, there’s a cost to intimacy when we do that. [27:27]
#85 - How a Global Pandemic Is Giving Us a Master Class on Boundaries
00:27:50
I hope you are safe, well, and healthy during these uncertain and frightening times. We’re all making adjustments, but I’m profoundly grateful to have my health and to be here to talk to you today. Instead of sticking with my planned topic, let’s take this time to reflect on five specific lessons of the master class that this virus is giving all of us.
Biggest Takeaways From Episode #85:
Our personal health impacts the whole. It has never been more obvious than it is now that if you’re not taking care of your own health, you’re endangering the health of others.
The first lesson is that boundaries are about protection. One person’s infection can impact thousands of people. That leads to the second point: when someone or something is offensive, you must take drastic actions.
Boundaries create space. I've talked about this before on the podcast, but the impact of COVID-19 explains this concept in a new way.
This situation is an opportunity for you to tune into your emotions and figure out where you need to set some limits.
Highlights from Episode #85:
Vicki welcomes listeners to the episode, and shares her well-wishes for everyone in these unprecedented times. She also talks about how much the world has changed in the last few weeks. [00:40]
We learn about how the virus relates to boundaries, with Vicki expressing the virus’ behavior in the language of boundaries. [07:51]
The first lesson we can learn from this situation is that boundaries are about protection. [11:12]
Vicki talks about the second way that this pandemic can teach us about boundaries. [12:31]
The third lesson is that when some people don’t abide by limits or boundaries, they can endanger all of us. [13:39]
The fourth lesson that COVID-19 is teaching us about boundaries is that restrictions and limits create space. [15:11]
With the restrictions that you are experiencing, what kind of space has opened for you? [22:02]
Vicki talks about the fifth way that the pandemic is giving us a master class on boundaries: tuning into your emotions and setting limits. [23:16]
One of the biggest misconceptions about boundaries is that they’re harsh, rigid, or mean, and that they damage intimacy. In fact, boundaries can absolutely be expressed in a gentle way. And that’s exactly what I’m going to talk about in detail today! I’ll share six easy and specific ways that you can express a limit gently.
Biggest Takeaways From Episode #103:
Sometimes we go from one extreme to another, going from struggling to say “no” to saying “no” frequently or in a way that’s difficult for other people to hear.
Here are six ways you can express a limit gently:
“Thanks, but I can’t.” (Then stop talking!)
“That is so kind of you! But I can’t accept/do that today.”
“I understand. I’m not able to do that.” Or, “I understand, but I can’t.” (Use this when you’re getting pushback or feeling baited.)
“I hear you” or “I hear that.” (Use this when you’ve previously said “no” to the same request.)
“Thanks for the opportunity. I’m not available, but I hope your event is fabulous!”
“That’s a generous offer, but I’m not able to accept it. I’ll pass, but thank you so much.”
Even though these responses are gentle, the recipient may still tell you that you’re being harsh. Your gentleness doesn’t guarantee a certain response.
Highlights from Episode #103:
Vicki welcomes listeners to the episode and introduces its topic: whether boundaries can be gentle. She also shares a story fromSheri Winston, who waspreviously on the podcast. [00:39]
It’s common to go from one extreme to the other, Vicki explains. [03:52]
We hear what it sounds like when we haven’t found ways to express boundaries gently. [08:11]
Vicki shares the first four of her strategies for expressing boundaries in a gentle way. [10:44]
The recipient of these responses may still say you’re being harsh, Vicki points out, then shares the remaining strategies. [15:11]
Each of Vicki’s strategies begins with an acknowledgment, and most have appreciation. [18:56]
Vicki points out that you have no control over how the listener responds. [20:26]
#101 - What to Do When Loved Ones Don't Wear a Face Mask (Pandemic Episodes)
00:52:16
Has someone close to you made the decision not to wear a face mask? I experienced this recently, and I know that many of you have faced this issue as well. Today’s episode is dedicated to the topic. To help you understand how you can respond to this situation, I’ll walk you through exactly what I did and said, how it turned out, and the choices you can make when you find yourself in a similar position.
And a quick announcement: I’ll be holding another amazing live video call —Clarity Circle— on Friday, August 14th. Learn more sign upat this link!
Biggest Takeaways From Episode #101:
Should we wear a face mask even though they aren’t 100% effective? The fact is that 100% is not a metric we expect when dealing with situations affecting our safety. We make choices all the time around things that aren’t 100% effective, such as locking our doors at night, wearing seatbelts, and even using contraceptives.
You can use the5-Step Boundary Solution processto help you navigate situations in which someone close to you doesn’t wear a face mask.
As you apply your new skills in situations like this, part of your work is to stay on your side of the street and maintain a respectful, warm connection with the other person. If you’re very triggered, it may help to express that you’re feeling that way and that you’d like to have some time and talk about it later.
In the end, you get to be the decider and figure out what works for you and how to move forward.
Highlights from Episode #101:
Vicki welcomes listeners to today’s episode and introduces its topic. She also reminds listeners about her30-day Facebook Live event. [00:39]
We hear about a recent experience that Vicki had involving face masks, as well as the recent hype in the news about face masks. [02:21]
If masks aren’t 100% effective, does that mean we should just skip wearing them? [07:54]
Vicki talks about what to do when a loved one doesn’t or won’t wear a mask, and shares more about her recent experience. [10:30]
Vicki walks listeners through what she ended up doing in her encounter with someone close to her not wearing a mask. [18:47]
We hear about how Vicki focused on knowing who this person is at heart, and some examples of her friend's self-described “paranoia.” [26:10]
Vicki confesses another part of her response, which she isn’t as proud of. We also learn how the woman in question eventually responded. [30:08]
The strength of Vicki’s strategy is that she left the “problem” to the other woman; she didn’t make a request or create a power struggle. [34:55]
Have you ever picked up a new set of skills and then started using them to control, manipulate, or dominate? [43:47]
Vicki points out that you ultimately get to be the decider to figure out how to move forward, and talks about a key factor that hangs people up around seeing their options. [46:26]
You’ll learn about the kind of responses or reactions you’re likely to encounter as you start setting or improving your boundaries. We’ll also talk about non-negotiable boundaries—what they are and how you go about establishing them.
Biggest Takeaways From Episode #6:
When you start setting boundaries, or changing existing ones, you should expect that you're going to get a range of negative responses or reactions. Responses can range from simple resistance or pushback all the way to hostility or even threats.
Guilt and shame are distinct emotions. Guilt is what you feel when you do something outside of your value system (such as stealing). Shame is more intense and involves embarrassment.
Your response to other people’s reactions about your boundaries depends on their reaction. If someone freezes you out, do nothing and allow them to come back to you eventually. If someone pushes back, stick to your talking points, mirror back what they said, or say nothing. If someone is aggressive or violent, take a relational time-out. If you’re getting repeated pushback or hostility, you may need to decide whether or not you want to stay in the relationship.
There are two types of non-negotiable boundaries: personal or relationship. Non-negotiable personal boundaries include physical or sexual boundaries. Non-negotiable relationship boundaries are things you must have or things you cannot tolerate in a relationship—also known as relationship deal-breakers.
Highlights from Episode #6:
When you start to set or improve boundaries, you can expect some very specific responses from those around you. Vicki lists some examples of these reactions. [01:56]
Vicki takes a moment to discuss the emotions of guilt and shame, and distinguishes between the two before returning to potential reactions to boundaries. [05:18]
You can’t impose a boundary on another person, but you can create agreements and make requests. [07:20]
When you get pushback from another person, you can practice what are called an internal or listening boundary. (These are also described in episode 2.) [11:50]
Vicki details the strategies she used in the example conversation she has just outlined, then continues with the example. [17:01]
We learn some strategies for how to deal with pushback, guilt trips, hostility, or threats. [19:48]
Your internal experience when mirroring back to someone shouldn’t be to punish them, and can in fact come from a place of compassion. [25:53]
In some cases, you may need to take a relational time-out, which involves letting the other person know what you’re going to do and when you’ll come back. [28:05]
The second theme of this episode is non-negotiable boundaries, which can be either personal (such as physical touch or sexual contact) or relationship boundaries (such as abuse or infidelity). [31:35]
Vicki recaps what we’ve covered in today’s episode. [37:13]
People tend to see their situations as special or unique, when in reality, that’s not the case most of the time. But we often get tripped up around exceptionalism when it comes to our boundaries. There are two common “unique snowflake” traps that we all fall into, and I’ll dig into both of them today. Remember that even though your situation may feel exceptional, the principles of the boundary work involved are the same.
Biggest Takeaways From Episode #116:
The “unique snowflake trap” is the belief that there’s something unique about your situation that makes your boundary challenge or question unique or different from the standard principles.
A common example of this is believing that boundaries are different with different people. In fact, boundaries with family members work exactly the same way as they do with other people. You still get to decide how you want to respond.
Another common example sounds something like, “You just don’t understand. This person is different.” While this may feel true, the5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifierstill works for this situation.
Highlights from Episode #116:
Vicki welcomes listeners to Episode 116, which will be about snowflakes and boundaries. We start off by learning about the history of the term “snowflake.” [00:39]
We hear about the “unique snowflake trap,” which is one of the common things that trips people up around creating boundaries. [03:43]
Vicki discusses whether boundaries are different depending on the role that different people have in your life. [05:02]
You can decide that it’s okay with you if someone has a right to your body, but no one else gets to decide that for you. This illustrates Vicki’s point around family boundaries. [08:32]
The second “unique snowflake” dynamic that Vicki talks about is some variation on “you just don’t understand; this person is different/an exception.” [09:49]
Vicki digs into how the “unique snowflake” trap relates to the belief that getting someone else to change is the way to be happier or get our needs met. [13:56]
#26 - Navigating & Negotiating Women’s Needs for Safety
00:42:13
As with every first episode of the month, this one is dedicated to the topic of women and boundaries. I was inspired by a recent incident in my own life that made me even more aware that there are stark differences between the way women and men perceive safety or danger, and their relative needs for safety.
Biggest Takeaways From Episode #26:
Boundaries are about protection and creating safety for ourselves and others. If women and men have a different perception about safety in general, their different perceptions can cause upset, challenges, or intense conflict around navigating situations where safety is an issue.
When you’re highly activated or triggered in some way, your brain goes offline and you stop thinking in a rational way. Instead, you’re more likely to make things up in your own mind, and react to what you've made up.
Safety is a fundamental need that we all have. If our needs for safety are not met, we will struggle to be relational, or sometimes even rational.
In general, women have a much different perception around safety and boundaries than men do, and the statistics (which you’ll hear in this episode, or can read at this link) illustrate why.
Highlights from Episode #26:
Vicki explains what boundaries and safety have to do with each other, and how this relates to the differences between women's and men's relative need for safety. [02:01]
We hear about the event that Vicki experienced recently that inspired this episode. [05:54]
Vicki sums up the relevant points of her story. [12:50]
Maslow’s hierarchy of needs is a helpful tool in understanding dynamics around safety and getting needs for safety met. [15:47]
Vicki explores three specific boundaries and how they show up for women. [17:48]
#127 - ENCORE - Don't Bite the Bait! How to Respond When You're Feeling Baited
00:36:04
From time to time, everyone struggles with biting the bait. And usually the people we feel most baited by are the people we care about the most. But there’s really no benefit to biting the bait, especially if we want to stay connected. Today, I’ll dig into what exactly bait is, and share 11 ways to avoid biting it.
Biggest Takeaways From Episode #95:
The dictionary definition of bait causes us to focus on the wrong thing in interpersonal reactions: the other person’s intent. Instead, think of bait as your internal experience to what another person says or does (or doesn’t say or do).
The eight phrases that I shared in my episode onhow to keep the peace during the holidaysall work when you’re feeling baited. A fantastic all-purpose response is to simply say, “I hear you.”
A helpful response when you’re feeling baited is to repeat the other person’s statement or question. Another option is to amplify what the other person said if it was negative.
Finally, humor can be one of the most effective strategies for dealing with bait.
Highlights from Episode #95:
Vicki welcomes listeners to today’s episode, which is all about hownotto bite the bait. [00:39]
#17 - Yes, No & Maybe: Sexual Boundaries for Women with Sheri Winston
00:54:17
I'm delighted to have Sheri Winston on the podcast today as my guest to talk about sexual boundaries! Sheri is a Wholistic Sexuality teacher and an award-winning author. In our conversation today, we’ll explore in-depth the topic of sexuality and boundaries, particularly for women—but also for men, and anyone in between.
Biggest Takeaways From Episode #17:
Far from being boring or bad, boundaries create freedom. If you have a hard time appreciating the benefits of boundaries, think about your skin: it’s a boundary that keeps out harmful things (like microbes), while letting in good things (like nourishing lotion), all while being flexible and moving with you.
A process of checking in and scanning your energy centers starting with safety, then going to power, then going to thought and intuition can be applied to any boundary you want to set.
The steps in communicating your sexual boundaries include checking in with yourself, being a good teacher of your boundaries, listening to what Sheri calls the Guardian and the Gatekeeper, as well as tuning into your Lover and your Warrior.
If you consistently struggle with protecting your boundaries, a helpful tool is to imagine that the person you need to stand up to is coming after your sister, your best friend, or even your child.
Highlights from Episode #17:
Vicki introduces Sheri Winston, today’s guest. Sheri shares a bit more about herself and explains what a Wholistic Xexuality teacher is. [00:55]
A lot of people see boundaries negatively, Sheri explains, and offers a few metaphors to explain why boundaries are not only helpful, but also a constant in everyday life. [11:23]
How does Sheri recommend that women become aware of their sexual boundaries? [18:39]
Vicki & Sheri explore the complexity of practicing sexual boundaries moment-by-moment. [28:43]
Sheri gives listeners some idea of how to communicate around sexual boundaries, including timing. [31:52]
How do you know when a partner (or potential partner) isn’t respecting or honoring your sexual boundaries, and what can you do about it? [43:09]
Sheri points out that communicating and practicing sexual boundaries is a learning process and that we won’t do it perfectly. Mistakes are how we learn. [49:18]
As the first episode of the month, this one is dedicated to the topic of women and boundaries. I’m extremely confident, though, that at least a few men will relate to this one! This topic is inspired by a listener’s question on how to get others to respect your boundaries instead of reacting with blame or shame. In this episode, I’ll give you tools and strategies to navigate these types of situations.
Biggest Takeaways From Episode #34:
When someone tries to send you on a guilt trip, you get to decide whether or not you’re going to go. A strong listening boundary lets you choose whether to accept and believe others’ opinions or hurtful words (possibly about you), rather than automatically accepting them.
When it’s not clear how to make a boundary specific and measurable, you can use the data you identified in Step of the 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier. From there, you can move into making a request.
In situations where the outcome you want is for another person to do something different or to change, your power lies in either making a request of the other person or setting a boundary for yourself. When you make a request, there are three possible responses. The other person can say yes or no, or negotiate an alternative.
Most of us—especially women—tend to over-give or sacrifice ourselves, which results in resentment. If you can’t do something without resentment or having an attitude, say “no” rather than doing it! The short-term discomfort of saying no will give you a longer-term gain.
Highlights from Episode #34:
Today’s episode will focus on a topic related to women and boundaries, specifically the need for choosing self-care over self-sacrifice. [00:48]
Vicki takes a moment to say a few words on the listening boundary, which is the most difficult to use. [05:28]
We hear more about the second part of the listener’s question, including how to make her boundaries specific and measurable. [07:50]
Vicki shares another way to look at Step 2 of the 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier: identifying what what needs are not being met and the outcome you want. [12:45]
We briefly move into Step 3 of the 5-Step Boundary Solution process (Identify Your Power Center) before Vicki talks about what moving into Step 4 (Taking Action) might sound like. [13:49]
Vicki shares some words of wisdom from Brené Brown. [17:55]
We hear some specific steps and strategies for dealing with guilt trips. [21:03]
Vicki talks about the problem with being a people-pleaser, and why avoiding people pleasing is good for everyone. [26:03]
Wondering how detachment relates to boundaries and why practicing detachment is so difficult? Listen close because in today’s episode we dig into the definition of detachment and how properly implementing this skill in our relationships will help strengthen them and our boundaries.
Biggest Takeaways From Episode #53:
Detachment cannot be practiced without boundaries because no matter how you choose to detach, a boundary must be set for detachment to succeed.
It is important to recognize the people and situations who you should detach yourself from and why. Sometimes you have to detach from a person completely, and other times you detach from a situation regarding a person.
Detachment does not mean that you are selfish or that you should keep your thoughts and emotions to yourself. Also, detachment is not neglect. You have a duty to pay attention to things that are wrong and address them.
When you are feeling very charged about a situation or very righteous about a situation, it may be healthy and advisable to practice detachment.
There are several skills to hone in order to improve the art of detachment. Listen well, state your attachment out loud, and know the difference between sharing your reality and controlling the other person’s behavior.
Highlights from Episode #53:
Vicki welcomes listeners to today’s episode and talks about detachment and how it relates to boundaries. [00:39]
Vicki defines detachment, and how it relates to setting boundaries. [01:50]
Detachment and boundaries go together but they are also related and detachment cannot be practiced without boundaries. [02:50]
Vicki dives into different areas of attraction in several types of relationship structures and the potentially harmful levels attachment can reach. [04:41]
There are two different ways to think about detachment and Vicki reveals both. [06:46]
Vicki reveals all the things that detachment is not and the things to watch for when detachment goes wrong. [09:13]
Vicki talks about the times that detachment is helpful are advisable. [17:10]
Learn the skills needed to learn and practice the art of detachment. [21:35]
If you’re just starting the practice of detachment, start slow in less charged situations. [29:51]
Detachment is ultimately about freeing you from feeling as if you need to manage others. [30:57]
Vicki recaps what detachment is, why you need it, and how to practice it. [31:34]
#27 - When You've Got Nothing But a Hunch, Can You Set a Boundary?
00:32:10
Today’s episode was inspired by a listener’s great question. She was completing a 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier, and while working through Step 1 (Knowing Your Reality), she realized she only had a hunch, rather than any hard data. She wanted to know if intuition, or a gut feeling, is enough to go on when you want to set a boundary. In general, the answer is “yes,” but you need to know some specifics before proceeding.
Biggest Takeaways From Episode #27:
Intuition is "the ability to understand something immediately without the need for conscious reasoning, or a thing that one knows or considers likely from instinctive feeling rather than conscious reasoning." You may think that you don’t have data to back up an intuition, but often in hindsight you may realize there was specific evidence that lead to your gut feeling.
It is possible to substitute an intuitive hunch or a gut feeling for data in Step 1 when you’re working through a 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier, and then proceed from there with the boundary you want to create.
When you’re creating a boundary based on intuition or a gut feeling, the intuition or hunch is the data in Step 1 of the 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier. Your thoughts or perceptions about the data and the data itself are usually synonymous.
The only difference between how you would typically complete a 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier and completing one based on a hunch or intuition, is that in Step 1, the hunch is the data and the thought.
Highlights from Episode #27:
Vicki explains the inspiration for today’s episode, then digs into what intuition is and explores different ways of orienting to and taking in data. [00:54]
We learn about why intuition and different ways of orienting to the world are important when it comes to boundaries. [07:42]
Vicki talks about some situations where you want to set a boundary and you don’t have any data, but need to proceed from your intuition instead. [09:08]
Vicki offers a hypothetical situation to use as an example of creating boundaries based on intuition. [13:16]
We hear how to finish the steps of the 5-Step Boundary Solution in this example. [17:34]
Vicki shares more information on using intuition to create a boundary. [24:14]
Most people tend to default to not paying attention to their intuition, Vicki points out. [30:02]
Ready or not, the holidays are coming! And today I want to talk about how to navigate this potentially tricky season with good self-care and better boundaries. It’s simple, but not easy. In this episode, I’ll talk about how the quality of your boundaries impacts your experience of the holidays, and make some recommendations about how you can navigate this season with more ease and joy.
Biggest Takeaways From Episode #35:
Adults have the right to decide how they spend their time, and with whom. This is true not only in everyday life, but also during the holidays. It can be a struggle, though, to tell your family and friends how you would like to participate (or not participate) in various holiday events and rituals.
Other people, even family members, don’t have a right to make their preferences or priorities your preferences or priorities. What they want doesn’t create an obligation or duty for you, unless you choose to take it on.
To navigate the holidays, sit down and make a list of all the events that you typically engage in during the season, or that you’re planning to add this year. Reflect on past holiday events and think about what your needs or preferences are for this year. Ask yourself whether there are any ways in which you would like to do these events differently.
Give yourself permission to do what you want to do with regard to each of the events or activities that you’ve listed. This can be very challenging, so focus on progress rather than perfection!
Highlights from Episode #35:
Vicki introduces the topic of this episode and talks about the upcoming holiday season. [00:40]
Every single adult has a right to decide how, and with whom, they spend their time. This principle applies equally during the holidays. [03:50]
Vicki points out that other people, including friends and relatives, may have specific ideas about what we should (or shouldn’t) do. [06:18]
We learn some tips for how to navigate the holidays with better self-care and boundaries. [07:21]
Vicki offers advice for those who feel the need to explain when they decline an invitation. [11:27]
Once you have a clear idea of how you want to do this differently this holiday season, if you’re married or partnered, sit down with your spouse and talk about your preferences so that you can come up with a game plan. [14:03]
There's been a lot of talk recently about free speech—specifically, news stories about a somewhat infamous media figure who was banned from several major social media sites. It got me to thinking about the limits of free speech, which is all about boundaries. In this episode I'll talk about why boundaries have a lot to do with free speech, as well as how freedom of speech operates in both physical and virtual space.
Biggest Takeaways From Episode #28:
Although each of us is free to say or do whatever we want, freedom to do what we want also comes with certain consequences—positive, neutral, or negative.
Boundaries create limits, but they also create space. The amount of space a boundary creates has a lot to do with the limit that is created. For example, if you put a fence around your property, you’re creating a clear limit, but you’re also creating more private space that can only be accessed by you.
Free speech is determined by who controls the space where speech occurs. Whoever owns or controls a space gets to decide what the limits are. This is true whether it’s a physical space (such as your house or a business’ office) or a virtual space (such as a social media site, website, or blog).
It’s not anyone's responsibility to provide a platform or vehicle for another person to get information they want. For example, if you're following someone on Twitter and they get banned because of Twitter's boundaries, Twitter is not responsible for providing you a platform to connect with the person they banned. Today, just about anyone with a small amount of resources and money can create their own virtual space, which makes giving and getting information freely far more accessible than at any other time in human history.
Highlights from Episode #28:
We hear about the topic of today’s episode, as well as the inspiration for it. [00:48]
Vicki reads the first amendment of the U.S. Constitution for listeners who may need a refresher. She then digs into the topic of consequences. [03:11]
Boundaries not only create limits; they also create space. Vicki explores this concept, then links it to the concept of free speech. [07:32]
Vicki gives examples of what it means for people who own a particular physical or virtual space to make decisions about who and how others are permitted to express themselves in those spaces. [12:04]
We learn how the concepts Vicki has been exploring relate to virtual space. [16:51]
Vicki points out that just about anyone with some resources can create their own virtual space to say whatever they want to say. [22:03]
There are some environments that are truly oppressive in terms of what they allow people to say or express, and when you encounter one of those, it's probably best to find another community or environment that allow you greater freedom of expression. [24:40]
#87 - How COVID-19 is Giving Us a Master Class on Boundaries (Part 2)
00:32:50
Acouple of episodes ago, I talked about how the pandemic is giving all of us a master class in the way boundaries work. Since then, it’s become clear that those weren’t the only lessons we can be learning. Today, I’ll dig into several more lessons we can learn, and talk about how they relate to fundamental principles of personal and relationship boundaries.
Biggest Takeaways From Episode #87:
If you go down a rabbit hole, it’s easy for fear to get the best of us right now. In general, though, fear isn’t something to ignore. Instead, pay attention to your emotions.
Just because a person or institution decides it’s okay to ease up a little bit doesn’t mean you need to feel comfortable with that or act accordingly.
Some people are essentially oppositional to limits and boundaries; their first answer is just “no.” People have a right to think the virus is a hoax or to take a calculated risk, but there will be consequences not only to them but also potentially to many other people.
As restrictions are eased, there will be a gradual flow from quarantine to freedom. This transition from a harsh boundary to a less severe limit can mirror a dynamic in a relationship that had a serious breach of trust.
Pay attention to your own reality, your own thoughts based on facts, and your own emotions based on those facts. Then do what you feel is comfortable and right for you.
Highlights from Episode #87:
Vicki welcomes listeners to today’s episode, and explains that she’ll talk about more lessons in boundaries that the pandemic is giving all of us. [00:39]
We hear a quick review of the five ways that the pandemic is giving us a lesson in boundaries that Vicki covered inEpisode 85. [03:03]
Something that Vicki didn’t mention in this previous episode about paying attention to your emotions at this time is the (understandable) fear you might be feeling. [09:34]
Vicki shares a story she heard from her husband this week, and talks about the first of the new lessons for this episode. [11:31]
We learn about another way this pandemic is giving us a master class in boundaries. [17:18]
COVID-19 is teaching us about transitioning from a harsh boundary to a less severe limit. [23:22]
Vicki brings up an important point: if you live somewhere that guidelines aren’t being followed but you choose to follow them, you may experience some pushback. [28:26]
We hear a quick recap of what Vicki has talked about in this episode. [31:08]
A question I get from time to time that always surprises me: “What do you do when you make a request of another person, and they ignore your request?” Assuming that you know that the other person heard your request, it’s painful to get no response. Today’s episode explores what to do if this happens to you.
Biggest Takeaways From Episode #42:
How you respond when someone ignores your request depends a lot on who you made a request of, the type of request you’ve made, and how important that request is to you.
There are different ways that people can ignore requests: pretending they didn’t hear (or read) the request, or tell you they’ll get back to you later and then never follow up.
When an important request of an important person is ignored, start with the least pathological explanation. If the person says they’ll get back to you but they don’t, follow up with them and ask for a timeframe. If they responded to your communication but not your request, follow up on the request specifically.
If you’ve done all of the above but this person still avoids responding, you have important information about that person. What does it mean for you to know that this person is avoidant? Can you get your want or need met without agreement from this person?
Highlights from Episode #42:
Vicki welcomes listeners to this episode, which will address the question of what you do when your request is ignored. [00:39]
We hear a quick refresher on the difference between zones of privacy and zones of intimacy, and how they’re relevant to today’s question. [03:20]
Vicki clarifies the spectrum of attachment styles, and points out that people who ignore requests tend to lean toward the avoidant end of the spectrum. [07:04]
There are a couple of ways that people can ignore requests, Vicki explains. [09:36]
Vicki offers advice on what to do assuming the request and person are important to you. [12:12]
We hear a story of something that happened to Vicki that’s relevant to her points. [14:53]
What do you do if you’ve done everything right, but the person still doesn’t respond? [19:50]
Vicki shares a question to ask yourself, and advice on how to find the answer. [22:38]
If you’re asking someone who’s not very important to you for a very small thing, and you continue to repeat your request, you may have deeper issues around your perception that others are ignoring you are or dismissive. [25:45]
Vicki recaps the points that she’s covered today. [27:54]
If you're feeling a bit unclear about whether or not you're giving unsolicited feedback or advice, today's episode is going to give you the clarity you need. Vicki talks about one sure-fire way to know you're not giving unsolicited advice, why you should avoid offering feedback when it's not requested, and how we can fall into the trap of giving feedback when what we really want to do is control another person. Tune in!
Biggest Takeaways From Episode #65:
Giving unsolicited advice even when you think you're being helpful can cause disconnection with friends and loved ones, and can even be offensive.
Keep your side of the street clean in conversations by paying attention to how you're feeling, and whether or not you're invested in the outcome of the conversation or changing the other person's opinion.
For the most part, it's best not to offer teenager or young adults advice unless you ask them first whether or not they want to receive it.
The best way to maintain healthy connections with important people in your life by hearing and supporting them. Unsolicited advice tends to damage emotional safety in relationships.
Highlights from Episode #65:
Welcome back to the show! [00:44]
Today is Part 2 of Episode #46 on giving unsolicited advice or feedback. [01:19]
Vicki starts by defining advice. [02:33]
We often give advice to people we love without realizing we're doing it. [03:19]
Unsolicited advice is never relational. [03:56]
Giving advice without being asked for it can be offensive. [04:21]
How to know when you're in the unwanted advice "danger zone." [07:24]
If you think you have valuable information for another person you can let them know you would be happy to share with them if they would like to hear it. [09:27]
To keep your side of the street clean, notice how invested you're feeling about changing the other person's mind or getting them to take a particular action. [11:42]
Is asking clarifying questions a form of unsolicited feedback? [13:28]
Is it okay to give advice or feedback to someone if you're afraid something dangerous might happen if you don't? [16:26]
Adults have a right to make decisions that about how they take care of themselves and their children. We don't have to agree with their decisions, but they have a right to make them. [19:05]
Is it okay to give unwanted advice or feedback to your teenagers or young adult children? [24:05]
You can maintain healthy connections with the important people in your life by hearing and supporting them without care-taking or give unsolicited advice or feedback. [27:51]
#72 - Are There Different "Boundaries Rules" for Loved Ones?
00:19:50
Have you ever thought that boundary work is different with loved ones? If so, this episode is for you! Even in my own family, some people expected family members to do certain things that they would never expect from anyone else, just because we were family. Today’s episode will dig into whether there are different rules for boundaries with family or loved ones than with everyone else.
Biggest Takeaways From Episode #72:
Some people behave as if being family exempts a person from being kind, thoughtful, or respectful. But people don’t get a pass just because they happen to be close to you.
You absolutely have a right to set limits and boundaries with family members and loved ones, and to say “no” to them. All of the "boundaries rules" throughout every episode of this podcast applies to family members too.
If you grew up in an enmeshed family system, you will likely find it challenging to set boundaries. You may have learned that you don’t have a right to set limits with your family.
Those who love you will accept your limits, even when they may have wanted something different from you.
Highlights from Episode #72:
Welcome to the podcast! Today’s episode will explore whether boundary work is different with loved ones or family members. [00:39]
Vicki shares the question from a listener that prompted her to record this episode. [02:31]
Do we have a right to set limits with family members? [10:31]
Most people feel terrified to set limits with family members and loved ones. Don’t worry; that’s normal! Vicki offers a way to feel more courageous around this topic. [15:43]
Vicki recaps the points that she has covered in today’s episode. [17:58]
People have a lot of misconceptions about boundaries. You may hear people say that boundaries are harsh, rigid, a punishment, or even selfish. Some people even believe that sharing boundaries is a way to control others or tell them what to do. Recently, I’ve heard another misconception: setting a boundary with someone is a sign that you disapprove of them. Tune in to learn why this isn’t the case, and how your boundaries are all about you.
Biggest Takeaways From Episode #141:
Whether you disapprove of someone isn’t the focus or the issue when you set a boundary. To focus on approval or disapproval is a deflection away from your limits.
If someone’s first reaction to your choice to set a boundary is to accuse you of disapproving of them, they are simply expressing their opinion, and the may be acting without accountability.
Your limits are about you and you alone. Boundaries are a form of self-care. They’re about taking care of yourself, not disapproving of someone else.
Highlights from Episode #141:
Welcome to the episode! Vicki chats about the reasons she started this podcast. [00:39]
We hear about some common misconceptions about boundaries. [02:15]
Vicki adds a new misconception to the list: if you set a boundary with another person, it means that you don’t approve of them. [05:57]
Does setting a boundary mean that you disapprove of someone or their behavior? [09:40]
Vicki talks about boundaries as a form of self-care, and explains with an example. [11:35]
If you set a limit and someone calls you rigid, harsh, or disapproving, they’re changing the subject from you to them. [14:52]
Remember that your boundaries are about you and your self-care! [17:06]
Are you ready to trade your triangles for straight lines? Don’t worry, you’re not back in geometry class; this is actually related to the talking boundary. Triangulation is something that we do all the time, but we should all work toward straightening out those lines and practicing direct communication whenever possible. (There are a few notable exceptions, which I’ll also address in this episode.)
Biggest Takeaways From Episode #137:
Triangulation describes a common but harmful form of communication. To understand it, think of a triangle pointing upward. Person A is at the point on top. Person B and Person C are at the other two points of the triangle. Triangulation happens when Person A goes to Person B to talk about (or try to get information to or from) Person C.
The problem with triangulation is that it’s an indirect, ineffective, and often manipulative form of communication.
The solution is to avoid triangulation. You can do this by removing your side of the triangle, creating a straight line directly between the two people who want to communicate.
Highlights from Episode #137:
Vicki welcomes listeners, and shares what she’ll be talking about today. [00:39]
What is triangulation? Vicki offers an explanation to clarify the possibly unfamiliar term. [01:56]
We hear some examples of how triangulation commonly happens. [06:51]
The problem with triangulation is that it’s indirect and ineffective, Vicki explains. It’s also often manipulative. [11:22]
What’s the solution for this communication triangulation? [12:40]
Vicki shares some examples of how you can avoid triangulation, even if it’s something you’ve participated in previously. [14:55]
Practicing the tools that Vicki has recommended helps to keep communication clean and direct. [19:03]
Vicki recaps what she has talked about in today’s episode. [22:33]
As with every first episode of the month, this one is dedicated to the topic of women and boundaries. But men, that doesn’t mean you should stop listening! This information will help men have a greater understanding of women’s experiences of safety, sensuality, and sexuality, which can lead to deeper connection with the important women in your life.
Biggest Takeaways From Episode #38:
There’s a missing link between a woman’s experience of safety and her sexuality, or between the experience of safety and her sexual connection with a partner, and that missing link is sensuality.
A woman’s connection to her sensuality is vital to both her sense of safety and to how she feels about being sexual with a partner. When your senses are satisfied or happy, you feel calmer and safer.
Once you’re aware of the relationship between safety and sensuality, you can use your experience of your own senses as a learning laboratory to increase your feelings of sexual safety and expand your awareness of yourself as a sensual being.
As you move into more awareness of your body, you’ll begin to identify what’s more pleasing to you. This includes not only sensations of being touched (by yourself or another person), but also your body posture and movement.
Highlights from Episode #38:
We hear about the subject of today’s episode, which is dedicated to the topic of women and boundaries. [00:47]
Vicki discusses the missing link between a woman’s sense of safety and her sexuality. [01:59]
We learn some definitions of words relevant to today’s subject, including the important difference between sensuous and sensual. [04:16]
How is sensuality related to boundaries, including non-sexual boundaries? [07:11]
Vicki takes a moment to explain the purpose of what she’s been talking about. [10:46]
What do you do with the awareness of the relationship between safety and sensuality? Vicki offers ideas for each of the five senses. [13:46]
Vicki points out that the sense of touch includes the direct experience of being physically touched, and recommends a body-mapping exercise. [23:14]
We hear about an experience that Vicki had around 20 years ago, and how it relates to what she’s been talking about. [26:48]
Vicki recaps what she’s talked about in today’s episode. [31:41]
#108 - Quick Tips #15: You Always Get to Change Your Mind
00:12:22
We’ve all been there: you’ve said “yes” to something, and then later changed your mind or realized that it’s not a fit for you. So what do you do? Are you obligated to follow through with your initial answer, or are you allowed to change your mind? (If you’ve read the title of the episode, you already know the answer!) Let’s talk about how to handle this situation, and how to navigate it gracefully.
Biggest Takeaways From Episode #108:
While this episode was inspired by a question about wedding invitations, the answer applies to all sorts of topics. You might experience this desire to shift from a “yes” to a “no” after saying you would help someone with something, or go to dinner, an event, or someone’s house, for example.
You always get to change your mind. However, there may be consequences. People will have their feelings about your choice to change your mind or not follow through.
Would you rather feel briefly uncomfortable by changing your “yes” to a “no,” or would you rather spend time following through with something that you don't want to do and then feel resentful?
Often, a huge amount of relief follows changing your answer to “no.”
Highlights from Episode #108:
Welcome to the show! Today’s episode will be all about what to do when you’ve changed your mind. [00:39]
Vicki shares a story that’s particularly relevant to the question that inspired this episode. [03:04]
We hear a suggestion for what the listener could say in her situation. [04:31]
If you’re thinking Vicki’s advice on changing your mind doesn’t apply to your situation, she clarifies how it does apply and might play out. [08:16]
You could offer an alternative, Vicki points out. [10:33]
Vicki recommends going back to Episode 1 and starting from there if you’re new to the podcast and want to learn more about creating healthy, effective boundaries. [11:01]
Everything that happens to us is our private information. We get to decide when to share that information, how, and with whom. This is a good starting point for thinking about the topic of sharing experiences involving sexual abuse, harassment, or assault.
There are many reasons that a woman might not share her experiences of sexual abuse, harassment, or assault. In today’s episode, you’ll hear about the eight most common:
You were told that something bad would happen to you if you told.
You were ashamed or felt “icky.”
You thought, or were told, that no one would believe you.
You needed stability.
You were abused as a child and it seemed like just more of the same.
You may have thought it was your fault.
You were afraid.
You saw what happens to so many women who speak up.
The first episode of each month focuses on women and boundaries. This one is a personal message from me to every woman who has hesitated or decided not to tell anyone about being sexually abused, harassed, or assaulted. Tune in to learn how this relates to boundaries and privacy.
Highlights from Episode #30:
Vicki talks about the #MeToo era and a common question that goes along with it: “why did it take so long for the victim to tell her story?” [02:06]
Situations of sexual abuse between an adult and a child are not “relationships,” Vicki points out, then talks about the dynamics of these situations. [06:48]
Vicki moves on to talking about sexual abuse, assault, and harassment in adult relationships. [08:52]
Vicki explains that there are eight common reasons why a woman might not tell, and lists what they are. [09:44]
Any time that there’s a power differential between someone seeking sex and the person they’re seeking it from, there’s some kind of exploitation going on. [17:37]
We hear more reasons why a woman may not have told. [19:32]
Vicki talks about making the choice to disclose your experiences. [23:21]
Let’s not blame victims by asking “why,” Vicki requests. [27:11]
Have you ever felt disrespected by what someone chose to wear (or not wear) around you, your romantic partner, or other loved ones? And what should you do when someone else’s attire makes you feel uncomfortable? The sometimes-difficult truth is that you don’t control what other people wear, but that doesn’t mean you don’t have any options. Tune in to learn about your choices in this situation, and what’s within your circle of control.
Biggest Takeaways From Episode #106:
We have complete power over the limits that we are able to create for ourselves. For example, if you decide that you want to live separately from another person, the only way to guarantee that will happen is for you to move somewhere else. If something requires the participation of another person, it’s not generally within your circle of control.
The only power that you have to change another person’s behavior or get them to do something is to make a request. That other person then needs to agree to your request.
As hard as it can be to accept, the way someone else dresses is completely up to that person.
If you’re uncomfortable with how someone else is dressed, there are two basic things you can do. You can change what you do with regard to this person, or you can make a request.
Highlights from Episode #106:
Welcome to this episode! Vicki introduces what today’s topic will be, and invites listeners to join herfree live virtual event. [00:39]
We hear the email that Vicki received that inspired the topic of this episode. [01:50]
Vicki reviews some of the basics of how boundaries work. [05:43]
The listener who asked the question that inspired today’s episode may feel a little fearful or threatened, Vicki points out. [08:34]
What would Vicki do if she were in this situation? She answers, then talks about how you might approach making a request in this example. [10:47]
Vicki explains that in this situation, it comes down to “live and let live” while doing what you need to do to feel comfortable. [16:35]
Vicki talks about being very honest with yourself and questioning whether your own thoughts are true. [18:22]
#3: Boundaries in Balance (and at the Extremes) + Boundary Ruptures and Boundary Violations
00:29:47
I cover the whole spectrum of boundaries—from boundary-less to walled off, including what boundaries look like when they’re in balance. Plus, I’ll talk about the difference between boundary ruptures and boundary violations and give plenty examples of each. Boundary ruptures and boundary violations can be traumatic, and in future episodes, I’ll be going into detail about how to respond when someone breaks an agreement with you or violates a boundary.
Biggest Takeaways From Episode #3:
To understand boundaries in balance and at the extremes, picture a straight line between two extremes of a boundaries continuum. One extreme is being behind a wall where you’re not available either physically, sexually, or emotionally. At the other extreme a person has no boundaries, is too vulnerable, or may have no boundaries with other people.
In between the two extremes, there is a healthy middle. When your boundaries are in balance, you feel protected, you protect other people from your own boundary-less behavior, while at the same time being vulnerable.
Your boundaries are strongly influenced by the culture you grew up in as well as what you learned from your family growing up. Cultural norms for boundaries aren’t necessarily good or bad; however, you get to decide what boundaries feel right for you.
What is the difference between a boundary rupture and a boundary violation? Knowing the difference will help you figure out how you want to respond.
In today’s episode I cover the whole spectrum of boundaries—from boundary-less to walled off, including what boundaries look like when they’re in balance. Plus, I’ll talk about the difference between boundary ruptures and boundary violations and give plenty examples of each. Boundary ruptures and boundary violations can be traumatic, and in future episodes I’ll be going into detail about how to respond when someone breaks an agreement with you or violates a boundary.
Highlights from Episode #3:
In This Episode:
What boundaries look like when they’re out of balance. [02:12]
Cultural differences when it comes to the way boundaries work in interpersonal relationships. [06:22]
The two extremes on the boundaries continuum—being walled off or being too vulnerable. [09:00]
The healthy middle between the two extremes. [11:31]
Boundary ruptures and boundary violations. [12:57]
#21 - Is it Secret or Private? How to Practice Honesty with Boundaries
00:32:48
For most of us, the line between secrecy and privacy can get blurry. If you’ve ever wondered whether something is secret or private, you’re in good company! Most people struggle to tell the difference. Fortunately, there are three simple questions you can ask yourself to determine whether something is secret or private, whether it’s your own information or information someone else has withheld from you.
Biggest Takeaways From Episode #21:
Secret information is intentionally withheld for the purpose of avoiding consequences. In contrast, private information is intentionally withheld for the purpose of creating safety, or protecting yourself or another person.
Depending on who you’re talking to, almost any of your own personal information is private. In general, the closer a person is to you, the more of your private information you will choose to share.
Most of us tend to default toward one end of the continuum or the other. We're either prone to withholding information that should be shared with another person, or we believe others have a right to too much of our private information.
These three questions will help you figure out whether something is secret or private: 1) Have I disclosed the information to anyone else, or would I be willing to? 2) Have I lied or omitted data to conceal the information that I'm withholding? or 3) Do I feel guilt or shame about the information that I'm withholding?
Highlights from Episode #21:
Vicki offers a quick refresher on the primary types of boundaries, and introduces the topic of today’s episode. [01:10]
We hear about the definitions of secret versus private. [03:08]
Vicki offers some examples of private information that you might choose to withhold. [07:53]
Most of us default to one side or the other of the continuum of sharing information, Vicki explains. [11:17]
How can you figure out whether a piece of information you have is secret or private? Vicki provides three questions that can help you answer this question. [15:58]
Vicki points out that it can be scary or challenging to share private information that someone else has a right to know, and gives an example about the importance of honesty. [21:19]
Vicki gives advice on what to do if you’re holding a secret. [28:31]
We hear a recap of today’s major points and some closing words of wisdom. [31:37]
If you’ve ever gotten into an argument with someone else about the reality of a certain situation, or what “really happened,” this episode is for you. The fact is that your reality is what is true for you in the moment, and someone else having a different reality doesn’t mean that yours, or theirs, is either “correct” or “wrong.” Tune in to learn why it’s okay to disagree about reality, and why (asTerry Realsays) there is no place for objective reality in relationships.
Biggest Takeaways From Episode #111:
It’s very common for two people to experience the same situation or event very differently, and come away with different thoughts, emotions, or experiences.
In the end, your reality is the only reality that you truly need—and it’s the only one you can have. This doesn’t mean that another person’s reality doesn’t matter, but you don’t need to come to an agreement about which one is “true” or “correct.”
In a relationship, two people can share their realities with each other, and may or may not come to an understanding. But it’s not always necessary (or possible) to agree on what reality is.
If you have a high need to agree about what happened, invite yourself to explore what comes up for you when you and your spouse see things in a fundamentally different way.
Highlights from Episode #111:
Vicki welcomes listeners to today’s episode, which was inspired by several questions from a listener about coming to an understanding about reality. [00:39]
We hear the highlights and relevant questions that inspired this episode, which came in response to Vicki’s story fromEpisode #18of the podcast. [04:09]
Two people can have very different experiences of the same event, Vicki points out. [08:04]
What exactly is reality? Vicki digs into the topic, and explores why reality is so subjective. [12:41]
Vicki shares an example to explain her point about different realities. [16:20]
There’s only one reality for you in any given moment: your reality. [20:29]
There’s nothing wrong with wanting more, as long as what you want more of brings you more happiness, connection, abundance, satisfaction, and love. (Not more drama, pain, or junk food!) But most of us have a habit of saying and doing things that actually accomplish the exact opposite. Today, you’ll learn the secrets to turning that around and responding to situations in a way that gets you more of what you want.
Biggest Takeaways From Episode #77:
Wanting more of what you want isn’t selfish. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to enjoy life more and have better relationships!
We tend to focus on what wedon’twant, generally out of fear and a desire to protect ourselves. Unfortunately, this doesn’t work, and ends up making us miserable.
You might get less of what you want in these ways: criticizing people when they don’t get it right, not expressing enough gratitude or appreciation, and even looking for things to go wrong or badly.
To get more of what you want, turn around the things causing you to get less of what you want. Focus on (and express appreciation for) what you liked, and say nothing about what you didn’t like.
Highlights from Episode #77:
Vicki welcomes listeners to the first episode of 2020! She starts things off with a discussion of wanting more, and why it’s important for something to be good all the way through. [00:39]
We tend to focus on what wedon’twant instead of what we do want, Vicki explains. She then makes an announcement about her firstClarity Circleof 2020, which is coming up soon! Sign up atthis linkfor the access details. [04:02]
How can you get more of what you want in 2020? Vicki begins her answer by illuminating several of the ways that we getlessof what we want. [06:15]
Vicki explores how looking for things to go wrong gets us less of what we want. [09:48]
You may get less of what you want if you’re gratitude- or appreciation-deficient. [14:15]
Let’s talk about how to turn things around and get more of what you want! [15:21]
Vicki returns to the topic of appreciation and gratitude, and offers clear tips for getting more of what you want. [20:28]
Today’s last tip is to think about what exactly it is that you want more of, and imagine that it’s already yours. [24:59]
Vicki recaps the points she has covered today, and invites listeners to follow her on her new Instagramaccount! [27:30]
This episode is for anyone who needs to learn more about boundaries, but I have a special announcement today for listeners who are betrayed partners. The Friday after this episode airs, I'll be starting a start a five-part class: The Survive and Thrive Blueprint Live Online Mini-Course. Registration is open until February 28 at 11:59 PM!
Today’s episode is inspired by a listener’s question about the role of boundaries in relationships with what she calls “avoiders.” Tune in and learn all about how to handle setting boundaries in relationships with "avoiders," how they differ from other boundaries, and what to do when a loved one is struggling with painful feelings that come up when they have an avoidant family member or friend.
Biggest Takeaways From Episode #47:
Being avoidant is one end of a continuum that has to do with our attachment style. There are two primary attachment styles: avoidant or anxious. Avoidant people often come from families with high avoidance, or had a very needy parent.
Trying to seem like a safe, comfortable person to get an avoidant person to come out from behind their wall probably won’t work.
There is a place for boundaries with avoiders, and this is more likely to be the limits you set for yourself rather than with the avoidant person. You can also create a boundary with an avoidant person by making an agreement, but there are some things to know first about creating agreements with them.
When you’re in a situation with an avoidant person and you're trying to figure out how (or if) to respond, notice your sensations, thoughts, and emotions. Next, take action accordingly for your own well-being and self-care.
Highlights from Episode #47:
Vicki welcomes listeners to the episode and explains the back story behind how the podcast came to be. [00:39]
For listeners who are betrayed partners, or partners of sex addicts, Vicki has a special announcement. [02:58]
Vicki explains today’s topic, which relates to dealing with boundaries with people who are avoiders. [04:53]
What is an avoider? Vicki answers by explaining the two major attachment styles. [07:10]
Vicki talks about common ways that people can form avoidant attachment styles. [11:14]
People have a right to be who they are, even if they’re avoiders, Vicki explains. [17:15]
Vicki addresses the specific question of boundaries in relation to avoidant people. [19:34]
We hear specific examples of how to handle situations with avoidant spouses or people in your life. [24:42]
After noticing your experiences, take action for your own well-being and self-care. [29:54]
Vicki makes a final point specifically in relation to the listener’s question. [32:55]
#130 - What to Do When You Regret Saying Yes to a Request
00:27:13
We’ve all been there: you say “yes” to a request or accept an invitation, then realize that it just doesn’t work for you. But are you allowed to change your mind even if you’ve already said yes? As counterintuitive as it might feel, the short answer is that youalwayshave the right to change your mind. And if you think your situation is an exception to that rule, then this episode is for you!
Biggest Takeaways From Episode #130:
You always have a right to change your mind, no matter what. This may not always be easy to do, but you have a right to do so every single time.
If you’ve agreed to a request and now regret your answer and want to change it, you’re free to say something like, “I need to let you know that the agreement that I made with you no longer works for me.”
When you’re renegotiating an agreement or changing a “yes” to a “no,” avoid accusations, judgments, or language like “that’s ridiculous.” This isn’t helpful and won’t bring you more connection.
Highlights from Episode #130:
Welcome to the show! Vicki shares a big milestone for the podcast, and talks about the nextBoundaries Clarifier Workshop, which is coming up on April 27th. [00:39]
We hear about the topic of today’s episode, which was inspired by a listener’s question. [02:23]
Do you have the right to change your mind if you’ve already said yes to something? [07:23]
Vicki reviews what it means to make a request, and relates this to the listener’s question. [09:31]
We learn why “I felt like I had no choice” is technically an inaccurate statement, and why that’s so important. [13:19]
What do you do when you’ve agreed to do something and regret your choice? [16:06]
After you say that you can no longer do what you agreed to, stop talking. [20:28]
Vicki discusses what to do if the person you’re talking to tries to change the subject when you tell them that you’ve changed your mind. [23:59]
In case you missed it last time, I have an exciting announcement! Next month (February 2021), I’ll be starting a brand new event: a monthly live, interactive boundary clarifier workshop.Sign up hereto be the first to get updates!
If someone is doing something that you don’t like in any of your relationships, this episode is for you. You may remember Episode 71, when I talked about the man cave. In response to that episode, I got a fascinating listener question, and that’s what I’ll be addressing today. And while your situation may not be exactly the same as the listener’s, I think you’ll find something to relate to in her question and my answer.
Biggest Takeaways From Episode #120:
Even during the pandemic, today’s topic is still relevant. You can miss someone and feel lonely even when you’re together—for example, if your partner is glued to their phone all the time.
When we’re experiencing something unpleasant with another person, we tend to focus on the unpleasant experience or the other person’s behavior. But the only place to start is to return to yourself instead of focusing on the other person.
With an outside-in focus, you’re focused on your partner, someone else, or something happeningtoyou. Problematically, this means the only solution is to get the other person to change. On the other hand, an inside-out focus starts with you.
You must start building the capacity to see when you’re getting what you want. This isn’t as simple as it sounds! Today’s listener question is a perfect example of this.
Do you rememberEpisode 71, when Vicki talked about the man cave? Today’s episode responds to a listener’s question about that episode. [01:42]
We hear the listener question that inspired this episode, which involves the “man cave” being in the bar rather than the house. [04:56]
Vicki explains the first thing that pops out to her in this question: it involves a lot of the listener’s partner, and not much about the listener herself. [08:35]
Questions about the other person are distractions from the most important questions, which are about you. [12:07]
What do you do when you just don’t like how someone is showing up (or not)? [16:11]
Vicki offers her advice for anyone who wants something more from a partner or spouse. [20:18]
We learn about one of the dangers of wanting to become happier in a relationship. [25:34]
To get more of what you want, notice and appreciate it when you get it—and ignore the things you don’t want more of. [29:28]
Vicki answers the listener’s question about whether she should stay in her own lane and find her own activities. [33:48]
We hear a quick recap of the takeaways from today’s episode. [38:22]
When you get triggered, is the person who you got triggered by responsible? And what does this have to do with boundaries? Today’s episode will dig into these important questions. If you’re a long-time listener, you may have guessed that triggers are related to the listening boundary, which is the most difficult of the four primary boundaries. Tune in to learn about triggers, boundaries, and how to respond when you feel triggered.
Biggest Takeaways From Episode #78:
Triggers are individual and unique to each person, and the possible ways to be triggered are almost endless.
Thoughts create emotions, but emotions can also create thoughts. Each of us has emotions just underneath the surface waiting for something in the external world that will activate or stimulate them.
You have a right to your opinion, to express yourself, and to ask someone to do something differently if you’re triggered. However, the other person isn’t responsible for your trigger, and they aren’t obligated to change so you won’t be triggered.
When you get triggered and want to critique the other person, ask yourself what is your intention. Often, it’s to be right, to shame the other person, and/or to prove them uninformed or ignorant.
Highlights from Episode #78:
Welcome to Episode 78, where we’ll cover the question of whether someone else is responsible if you get triggered. Vicki takes a moment to clarify what she means by “triggers.” [00:39]
Vicki addresses how triggers are related to boundaries, specifically the listening boundary. She then explains why she has been reluctant to talk about this question of triggers, and why she’s covering it now. [07:39]
We hear about a conversation that Vicki had with her publisher related to using the word “bitchy,” and a seemingly hypocritical decision that could have been a trigger, but wasn't. [10:29]
When we get triggered (like by one of the words Vicki has been talking about), who is responsible? Vicki then talks about the idea in that currently in the US there is a lot of external pressure to hold certain attitudes or to be educated in specific ways in order to be accepted or considered "woke." [19:06]
You have a right to your opinion and to ask people to do things differently. [22:40]
Triggers aren’t universal; they’re unique to each person and even situation. Vicki offers examples to clarify. [24:09]
Vicki offers specific advice for what to do when you feel triggered and want to critique the other person. [28:36]
Don’t forget that Vicki’s first liveClarity Circleof 2020 is happening this Friday, January 17, 2020! [34:42]
While this episode is about men, it’s actually intended for women, and addresses a common dynamic between the genders. I’ll dig into how a common desire among women can come across to men as pressure or control, and cause them to go into their "cave." Tune in to learn why it’s so important to let your man go to his cave when he needs to! And if you’re a LGTBQ+ listener, please reach out to let me know if this dynamic plays out in your relationships!
Biggest Takeaways From Episode #71:
The man cave is a real thing. I’m not talking about a physical room in the house, but rather a mental or behavioral cave. For example, a man may retreat to an electronic device, a sports game, or even a newspaper.
Women tend to prefer to process their feelings by talking. Men, on the other hand, often to want to think about (or distract themselves from) their problem before re-engaging.
The more a man feels pulled or manipulated out of his man cave, the more he’s likely to resist.
Expressing a pure desire (without a “you” in it) rather than making a request can be a powerful tool for avoiding perceptions of control. For example, say, “I would love to go out to dinner tonight,” not “I would love for you to take me out for dinner.”
Highlights from Episode #71:
Vicki welcomes listeners and explains that today’s episode is about men, but for women. [00:39]
We hear the question from a listener that inspired this episode. [02:58]
The man cave is a real thing, Vicki explains, and goes into more depth about why it’s important for women to know about it. [06:28]
Vicki responds to the part of the listener’s question about her spouse taking any request as a criticism, and shares a personal anecdote. [11:43]
When someone makes a request, we have three options: yes, no, or negotiate an alternative solution. Vicki elaborates on this as well as how requests function. [18:16]
Vicki elaborates on two possibilities about the listener’s question, and emphasizes the value of being able to sincerely say, “I hear you.” [22:02]
Another strategy is to express a desire without specifically making a request. [23:55]
Vicki points out that when you first learn about boundaries, it can be tempting to make everything into a request. [29:03]
We return once more to the listener’s question, and hear a summary of Vicki’s answer. [30:43]
Vicki recaps the major points that she has covered in today’s episode. [33:23]
At some point, all of us will have experiences that require us to focus our attention on ourselves in an intense way. For example, an advanced cancer diagnosis, an accident, or shocking news may require you to go into extreme self-care. This is the kind of self-care I’ve been practicing for the last several weeks, and why there was a gap between Episode #49 and #50. I’m so glad to be back!
Biggest Takeaways From Episode #50:
At certain points in our lives, each of us needs to go into what Vicki calls “emotional ICU.” This, she explains, is why there has been a gap between the last episode and this one — she has been in her own emotional ICU.
If you tend to put others ahead of yourself and give too much, you might struggle with practicing extreme self-care when you need to.
Here are some ideas for extreme self-care: delegate daily tasks that you usually do yourself (like cooking), temporarily neglect things that simply aren’t that important, set up an auto reply for your email, or take a step back from your online presence.
When you want to support and help others, you need to be coming from a place of fullness and abundance. The world needs you to take care of yourself so that you can give back to the world.
Highlights from Episode #50:
Welcome back to the Beyond Bitchy Podcast! Vicki acknowledges the gap between the last episode and this one. [00:39]
Vicki digs deeper into why she has been absent, and relates her explanation to previous points about boundaries. [02:51]
Let’s talk about extreme self-care, with examples of what it looks like. [07:54]
Why should we embrace the fact that it’s okay to practice extreme self-care? [11:23]
Vicki shares something she has learned over the past few months: how hard it is to ask for help when you need it. [14:37]
We hear some specific examples of extreme self-care. [19:01]
Vicki loves drinking a variety of teas from all over the world, and talks about how she used the experience of having a cup of tea as a form of self-nurturing during her recent emotional ICU period. [24:20]
We learn about how extreme self-care relates to boundaries. [26:09]
Vicki gives listeners a homework assignment related to self-care. [29:14]
#51 - Intuitives, Empaths & The Personal Energy Boundary
00:28:57
Today’s episode is all about intuitives, empaths, and the personal energy boundary. If you think that sounds a little woo-woo or out there, I get it! If you immediately recognize yourself in the title, I get that too. More than others, this episode may not be for some people—but I think it will be deeply valuable for the people who do resonate with the topic.
Biggest Takeaways From Episode #51:
The personal energy boundary is our felt sense of another person’s energy. It might not be something obvious that a person does, says, or looks like, but rather their energetic field. (If you’re not sure what this means, think of an angry person. You can often tell that they’re angry even if they aren’t yelling or otherwise expressing their anger.)
Empaths and highly intuitive people tend to energetically pick up or sense what is going on with other people.
When you’re impacted by someone else’s energy, ask yourself what you need in the situation or how you can make it better for yourself. We tend to take less action to protect ourselves than we have the power to take.
If you identify as a person who is highly intuitive or empathic, use your own energetic boundary by imagining an invisible wall or glass dome around you, or angels or bodyguards protecting you. It’s also perfectly okay to choose not to look at other people or to avoid eye contact with strangers when you're in public places!
Highlights from Episode #51:
Vicki welcomes listeners to today’s episode, which is about intuitives, empaths, and the personal energy boundary. [00:39]
We hear a quick recap of the different kinds of boundaries that Vicki has covered before. [01:19]
Vicki shares some examples of when you might experience someone else’s personal energy, and a boundary might be in order. [05:21]
Vicki addresses how to deal with someone who walks into a room and energetically takes up a lot of space. [14:05]
We hear about how to handle situations in which someone is indiscriminately broadcasting their sexual energy. [18:23]
Next, Vicki talks about what to do in situations where you start feeling emotions that you may be picking up from people around you. [21:45]
Finally, we hear about the personal energy boundary when someone is being deceptive. [23:31]
At some point, all of us will have experiences that require us to focus our attention on ourselves in an intense way. For example, an advanced cancer diagnosis, an accident, or shocking news may require you to go into extreme self-care. This is the kind of self-care I’ve been practicing for the last several weeks, and why there was a gap between Episode #49 and #50. I’m so glad to be back!
Biggest Takeaways From Episode #123:
At certain points in our lives, each of us needs to go into what Vicki calls “emotional ICU.” This, she explains, is why there has been a gap between the last episode and this one — she has been in her own emotional ICU.
If you tend to put others ahead of yourself and give too much, you might struggle with practicing extreme self-care when you need to.
Here are some ideas for extreme self-care: delegate daily tasks that you usually do yourself (like cooking), temporarily neglect things that simply aren’t that important, set up an auto reply for your email, or take a step back from your online presence.
When you want to support and help others, you need to be coming from a place of fullness and abundance. The world needs you to take care of yourself so that you can give back to the world.
Highlights from Episode #123:
Welcome back to the Beyond Bitchy Podcast! Vicki acknowledges the gap between the last episode and this one. [00:39]
Vicki digs deeper into why she has been absent, and relates her explanation to previous points about boundaries. [02:51]
Let’s talk about extreme self-care, with examples of what it looks like. [07:54]
Why should we embrace the fact that it’s okay to practice extreme self-care? [11:23]
Vicki shares something she has learned over the past few months: how hard it is to ask for help when you need it. [14:37]
We hear some specific examples of extreme self-care. [19:01]
Vicki loves drinking a variety of teas from all over the world, and talks about how she used the experience of having a cup of tea as a form of self-nurturing during her recent emotional ICU period. [24:20]
We learn about how extreme self-care relates to boundaries. [26:09]
Vicki gives listeners a homework assignment related to self-care. [29:14]
This week's episode is the second in a series I started last month—Boundaries Quick Tips. These short, laser-focused episodes will give you quick tips and tools for learning about, or upleveling, your understanding and practice of healthy boundaries. This Quick Tips episode is an answer to a listener’s question about how to identify needs and wants. You’ll also learn how to tell the difference between needs and wants.
Biggest Takeaways From Episode #36:
A want is something that is desired or wished for. A need is vital or crucial, either to our physical, mental, emotional, or spiritual survival, or to the survival of a relationship.
Knowing the 11 basic needs can help you figure out whether those needs are being met for you. These needs are: adequate food, adequate clothing, adequate shelter, physical nurturing, emotional nurturing, spirituality, education, money, medical attention (including mental health treatment), dental attention, and sexual expression.
Start with this basic list when you’re trying to determine your needs and wants. Ask yourself whether these needs are being met, and how they could be met if they’re not.
You have extra challenges in identifying your needs—and wants—if your needs weren’t adequately taken care of in your childhood.
Highlights from Episode #36:
This Quick Tips episode addresses a listener’s question about identifying your needs and wants, and what the difference is. [01:09]
Vicki defines needs and wants, then explores the difference between wants and needs. [04:09]
We hear about the 11 basic needs, the first several of which involve physical needs. [05:66]
The next two needs involve nurturing. [09:49]
Vicki talks about the needs for spirituality, education, money, and medical and dental attention. [12:52]
The 11th and final need is the need for sexual expression, Vicki explains. [16:00]
Vicki offers advice on using this list of needs to determine the areas in which you’re not getting what you need. [17:33]
We learn more about wants, and how to identify yours. [18:39]
#89 - It's Time to Get a Better Schedule! (The Pandemic Episodes)
00:22:31
The challenges around structure, limit-setting, and boundaries are continuing throughout the coronavirus situation, so this is another of what I’m calling “The Pandemic Episodes.” What does life look like if it stays the same for many months — or years — to come? When one day blurs into another, it’s so easy to fall into bad habits. Grab a pen and some paper, and get ready for a workshop-inspired episode to help you fix what’s not working in your schedule.
Biggest Takeaways From Episode #89:
Whenever you want to change something, the first thing to do is to review what’s not working in the situation so you can figure out what to do about it. Get a piece of paper and write it down!
Next, write down all of the possible solutions for each problem you’ve come up with. Don’t censor yourself; write down whatever comes to mind.
Once you have your potential solutions, come up with a strategy that will work for you. Try pairing something you want to do with something you’re already doing.
Calendarizing is so important. Each week, write out a calendar for what you want to accomplish the next week.
Highlights from Episode #89:
Vicki welcomes listeners to this episode, which will help you get a better schedule! She starts off by talking about what she’s seeing in Houston, Texas. [00:40]
We hear Vicki’s thoughts on how long the current situation will continue, and how that relates to today’s episode. [05:24]
Vicki shares the first step when you want to change something. [08:04]
The next step is to write down all of the possible solutions. Vicki talks about this strategy, as well as about figuring out what kind of structure works for you. [10:54]
Your next assignment in this workshop episode is to come up with a strategy or plan. [14:51]
Vicki talks about her process for writing out her weekly calendar. [15:59]
Be willing to adjust, revisit, and course-correct anything that’s not working for you. And don't forget, baby steps! [19:28]
#44 - Boundaries Quick Tips #4: Are Boundaries Selfish?
00:15:35
Has anyone ever told you that boundaries are selfish? Some people might claim that your boundaries are too “harsh” or “rigid,” or that boundaries are “wrong” or even “evil.” ( Yes, really!) In this episode, I’ll explore several explanations for why people might react this way, and truth about boundaries and selfishness.
Biggest Takeaways From Episode #44:
The least pathological explanation for why someone might think boundaries are selfish is that they simply don't understand what boundaries are. If someone has a strong distaste for boundaries, it’s likely they just don't understand what boundaries are.
Another explanation for why someone might tell you that boundaries are selfish has to do with manipulation or control. The person on the receiving end of a boundary might complain that the boundary blocks intimacy, which is often a manipulation strategy.
Nobody owes another person physical or sexual intimacy, or access to their body on demand. This is true even in intimate relationships and marriages. Boundaries around physical or sexual contact are non-negotiable, and are not selfish.
Here are four reasons why boundaries are not selfish: they create safety, they create clear communication, they help you understand (and choose) how close you want to be to another person, and they let you become more relational.
Highlights from Episode #44:
Vicki welcomes listeners to today’s episode, which is all about the question of whether or not boundaries are selfish. [00:39]
We learn about the least pathological explanation for why someone might think that boundaries are selfish. [02:19]
Vicki shares a story and some examples that illustrate boundaries as reasonable and necessary. [04:54]
We hear more about a problematic explanation for why someone might tell you that your boundaries are wrong or selfish. [07:43]
Sometimes the person on the receiving end of a boundary will complain that the boundary is blocking intimacy. [09:07]
Vicki points out a problem with telling someone that their boundaries are blocking intimacy. [11:33]
We learn four reasons why boundaries are not selfish. [12:50]
#48 - Relationship Boundaries with Mother Enmeshed Men (MEM)
00:45:53
This is the first episode of the month, so it’s dedicated to the topic of women and boundaries. Specifically, this episode is a response to a listener’s question about being in a relationship with a man who suffers from mother enmeshment. If you haven’t heard of this term, this episode will clarify what mother enmeshment is, how it develops, as well as what you need to know if you are in an intimate relationship with a mother-enmeshed spouse.
Biggest Takeaways From Episode #48:
Enmeshment is a boundary issue. It means that there are poor (or no) boundaries between two people or within a family system. These poor boundaries don’t allow the child independence or the ability to express themselves independently.
In adulthood, mother enmeshment can manifest as being commitment-phobic, a sex addict, or a perpetual adolescent.
If you’re in a relationship with a mother-enmeshed man, he probably sees you through the lens of his childhood experience with his mother. Keep in mind this has almost nothing to do with you, but rather his childhood experience of his mother.
One tool for making a request of a mother-enmeshed man is to give him at least 24 hours to answer. If he agrees to do something you asked him to do, and then resents or regrets it, don’t take it personally — it's not about you.
Highlights from Episode #48:
Welcome to the podcast! This one is dedicated to the topic of women and boundaries, specifically about being involved with a man who suffers from mother enmeshment. [00:40]
Vicki explains what mother enmeshment is, and talks about the “ick factor” this term can evoke. [02:44]
We hear a quick example of the kinds of things that a mother with boundaries might share with a child, as well as how being mother-enmeshed can manifest in adult men. [08:08]
Mother-enmeshment is often described as the mother putting a boy child on a pedestal or treating him as a hero, Vicki explains. [13:26]
Vicki talks about other kinds of mother-enmeshment that may sound more familiar. [15:29]
How does all of this impact the partner of a mother-enmeshed man? [18:30]
Vicki gives a relatable example of how mother-enmeshment comes up, and how to handle it. [25:37]
Don’t take it personally when your mother-enmeshed spouse agreed to do something and then resents or regrets it. [33:20]
Vicki points out something else to remember: you cannot change another person. [37:06]
It is possible to develop compassion around the toxic legacy of enmeshment. [41:53]
#46 - Boundaries Quick Tips #4 | Are You Open to Feedback?
00:20:02
Have you ever been given advice, suggestions, recommendations, or feedback that you didn’t ask for or want? Or maybe you tend to offer these things yourself? I was inspired to create this episode shortly before Valentine’s Day, when a blog follower let me know about a typo in an email I sent to one of my lists. Tune in to learn why giving unsolicited advice and feedback is problematic, how to determine whether to offer another person feedback, and what to do if someone offers you their unsolicited opinions or feedback.
Biggest Takeaways From Episode #46:
When you give unsolicited advice or feedback, you’re on the boundary-less end of a continuum (the other end is being too walled off and not vulnerable at all).
In some cases, offering unsolicited advice is logical or practical. For example, if someone is struggling to operate a mechanical device or can't figure out that they need to push or pull a door to open it, by all means offer some assistance!
Here are three simple guidelines to consider when you’re tempted to offer unsolicited advice or feedback:
Don’t assume that someone wants your feedback just because they’re sharing a problem with you. Sometimes people just want to be heard!
If you want to share feedback, advice, or your own experience, first ask if the person wants it or is open to hearing it.
If you ask and they say “no,” just drop it and respect their boundary.
If you’re on the receiving end of unsolicited feedback, try a neutral response like, “Well, that’s interesting,” or “I never really thought about it like that,” or “I didn’t know that,” and then just drop it.
Highlights from Episode #46:
Today’s quick tips episode addresses the topic of giving feedback. Vicki starts things off by explaining what feedback has to do with boundaries. [00:39]
Sometimes it’s logical or practical to offer unsolicited advice, Vicki explains, and gives an example. [02:50]
Vicki talks about what inspired her to record this episode. [05:03]
We hear about other cases of potentially problematic unsolicited advice. [10:10]
Vicki offers listeners three simple guidelines to decide whether to offer unsolicited feedback or advice. [11:51]
Vicki explains how she uses these guidelines both personally and professionally. [13:56]
What do you do if you’re on the receiving end of unsolicited feedback? [15:35]
If you’re the person in the habit of giving unsolicited advice, Vicki provides a homework assignment: try to not give any feedback at all for a temporary period of time, and give people in your life permission to choose not to receive your feedback. [17:39]
#132 - She Said What?! Part I of A Deeper Dive Into the Talking Boundary
00:36:37
By special request, I’m doing a deeper dive into the talking boundary. I’ve mentioned this boundary in 25 episodes, but I’ve never gone into the level of depth that it deserves. When your talking boundary is functioning well, you express yourself in a healthy, relational way while sharing your authentic reality. You may be surprised by some examples of what talking boundary violations look like, so tune in to learn all about this important topic!
Biggest Takeaways From Episode #132:
The talking boundary is the mindful, healthy filter between your thoughts and your words. At the extremes, a person has no filter and they say whatever comes to mind—or they don’t share anything. We’re aiming for somewhere in the middle.
“Unbridled self-expression,” asTerry Realcalls it, is not an example of a functional talking boundary. Neither is erring on the side of being only nice or pleasant with your words, regardless of your true feelings.
When we get activated or triggered, we can lose the filter between our thoughts and words, and start reacting instead of responding.
Highlights from Episode #132:
Vicki explains the inspiration for this episode, and reveals that she’ll start by talking about the violations that fall under the talking boundary. [00:39]
What is the talking boundary? [03:55]
We learn about the healthy middle for the talking boundary. [07:17]
Vicki digs into what the talking boundary isnot, including why the idea that “if you don’t have anything nice to say, you shouldn’t say anything at all” can be problematic. [11:27]
If someone doesn’t receive your words the way you intended, sometimes an outside opinion can be helpful. [16:10]
Why is the talking boundary so challenging and complex? [18:03]
Vicki shares many examples of talking boundary violations, including teasing another person and the silent treatment, among others. [20:44]
Did this episode resonate with you, or remind you of yourself (or someone else)? If so, keep in mind that this is a challenging boundary. [34:27]
Before we start, I’d like to offer you a quick apology! You may not have been able to find the earliest episodes of the show because of a mistake in the podcast settings on the back end. That’s fixed now, and you should be able to access all of the episodes again. And now, onto today’s subject! If you have an ex, especially if you’re co-parenting with them, I’m guessing you’ve had a problem with your ex misbehaving. So what do you do? Tune in to find out!
Biggest Takeaways From Episode #135:
Co-parenting children with an ex is always a challenge, but it’s harder when your ex has issues or misbehaves. Unfortunately, there’s not a lot that we can do about other people’s behavior.
If your ex is doing unsafe things with your children (such as abuse or drunk driving), you will need to intervene in some way. These issues of safety are in a separate category from other misbehavior from your ex.
Some things I recommend against doing include:
Bad-mouthing your ex to your children
Trying to control anything about your ex that’s outside of your control
Telling yourself that your children can’t see what you see about your ex
Putting your children in the middle
Highlights from Episode #135:
Vicki welcomes listeners back to the podcast, and makes a quick announcement. She then uses the inconvenience in question as a teaching moment. [00:39]
We move to today’s topic: exes who don’t behave. Vicki offers some examples of ways that an ex can be distressing as a co-parent. [05:09]
Sometimes an ex might subject children to unsafe things, such as physical or sexual abuse or drunk driving. [10:53]
Vicki shares some things that she recommends that younotdo. [13:07]
Don’t assume that your children don’t see what you see about your ex-spouse, or put them in the middle. [17:16]
Are there different boundaries rules with your ex than with other people in your life? [22:08]
For everything outside of safety issues, you have no control over how your ex parents. Vicki offers some tips on how you can feel better about this situation. [26:48]
Things you can do in this situation include sending healing and positive wishes to your children—and even your ex, if you can without forcing it. [31:17]
#43 - Increase Your Confidence With These 5 Boundaries
00:25:59
This episode all about confidence! Confidence is more important than your experience, your credentials, what background you came from, or any other external factor or feature about you. That’s why it’s so important to protect it! Tune in to learn about five boundaries to help you increase your confidence.
Biggest Takeaways From Episode #43:
Confidence has a huge impact on how you feel about your past, your present, and your future. It’s often the only barrier between staying stuck or settling, and creating the life you want. Confidence is an experience of esteem, and can be increased and cultivated.
Think about the last time you felt confident. It was likely a result of facing some kind of fear and coming out on the other side successfully. When you’re feeling confident due to your successes, you’re more likely to try new things.
In these five areas of your life, boundaries can help build and protect your confidence: basic physical self-care, work/life balance, time for focus (both personally and professionally), finances, and time for reflection.
This episode comes with an assignment. Sit down with a pen and paper, then list three times you’ve felt confident in the past, and why you felt that way. Next, write down three times that you felt that your confidence was weak or non-existent, and why that was the case. Your answers to these questions will help you create a roadmap to what you need to have more — or less — of to protect your confidence.
Highlights from Episode #43:
Welcome to today’s episode! Vicki introduces today’s topic: confidence. [00:39]
Vicki mentions that confidence is not only an internal experience, but also a capability that you can cultivate through the use of boundaries. [02:45]
Why is confidence so important? [04:31]
Vicki shares the first and second of the five areas in which boundaries can protect and build your confidence. [06:41]
We learn about the third and fourth ways to protect your confidence with boundaries. [10:52]
The fifth and final item on Vicki’s list involves taking time to reflect. [12:25]
Vicki gives listeners a specific assignment. [16:53]
We hear about a common, pervasive way that our confidence can be impacted. [22:16]
Vicki quickly recaps the topics that she covered in today’s episode. [25:06]
#121 - Quick Tips #16: When Grandma Pushes Your Limits
00:21:41
Sooner or later, every single one of us will feel manipulated by someone. That’s why this episode is for you, even if you don’t specifically have a grandmother who’s pushing your limits. Today I’ll cover some strategies to help you find solutions in these situations. One point that I can’t emphasize enough is how important it is to focus on what you want, instead of what you don’t like. Tune in to learn more, so you’ll be prepared next time you’re feeling manipulated.
Biggest Takeaways From Episode #121:
When you’re focusing on something you don’t want, it’s vital to know what youdowant instead. Many of us struggle with developing this skill, but it’s definitely worth practicing. Just thinking about the solution can actually help you feel better!
It’s helpful to start by viewing what you’re thinking (or making up) as a possibility, rather than the absolute Truth.
No one has the power to make you do anything. You are in control of what you do, say, and think. When you approach interactions with this knowledge and a plan for how to respond, you’ll be better prepared in any situation.
Highlights from Episode #121:
Vicki welcomes listeners to today’s episode, and mentions her upcoming livemonthly Boundaries Clarifier Workshops starting Tuesday, February 23, 2021. [00:39]
We hear the listener question that inspired this episode. [03:32]
Does Vicki think that the listener is being controlling? [04:50]
Vicki digs further into the scenario around the question that inspired today’s episode, which relates to the listening boundary. [08:23]
Vicki shares a specific example of how her advice can apply in this situation. She also points out the difference between a statement and an invitation. [11:40]
We learn about one of the potential solutions to this situation, and why it can be a trap. [14:39]
Why not just make a request that the grandmother to go through the listener to spend time with her daughter? Vicki explains why this may not be the best option. [18:21]
This episode was inspired by another listener's great question on how to avoid getting stuck when you (may) need to make a request. Vicki breaks it down and gives us tips on how to be more specific in our requests and what you say when you want something to stop, or you want a change of behavior from another person. Listen in to hear Vicki’s do’s and don’ts for making requests, tools and strategies for making requests easier, and insight on when the time is right for the best outcome.
Biggest Takeaways From Episode #59:
Be specific when making a request.
A statement of what you want can be more powerful than a direct request.
Be mindful of when you make requests.
Remember the other person has the right to say no.
Demands and boundaries are not the same thing.
Intimacy is always a higher level choice than being right.
Highlights from Episode #59:
Welcome back to the show! Today’s episode is about what to do when you get stuck around making a request. [00:45]
Vicki is giving examples of what behavior that you might want another person to stop doing. [02:46]
The 5 types of boundaries. [04:15]
Non negotiable personal boundaries. [05:35]
Best practices for making a request and the three possible responses. [07:30]
Can you tell someone what to do if you need them to do something else? [09:40]
Vicki reads from her book Moving Beyond Betrayal. [11:59]
Best practices steps of making a high level request. [14:03]
Specific words/language to use for starting a request. [17:33]
Try to avoid making requests when you are activated—meaning your nervous system isn't calm. [19:16]
For a higher level of vulnerability, you may want to tell the person you're making the request to that you are very attached to the outcome of your request. [22:44]
There is a difference between demands and boundaries. [23:45]
Vicki gives a super-laser tool for handling when someone hurts you. [25:11]
Consider intimacy as a higher level choice over being right. [27:24]
Making requests gets easier with practice. [30:13]
#11: Getting Your Needs Met (Step 2 of the 5-Step Boundary Solution)
00:31:58
This episode covers Step 2 of the 5-Step Boundary Solution process. If you’re tuning in for the first time, I recommend going back to last week’s episode to work through Step 1 before you dive into this show! Step 2 is all about identifying your needs and creating a vision for the outcome you want, so that you can get your needs met. It’s important to remember that the outcome you envision needs to be specific, measurable, and clear.
Biggest Takeaways From Episode #11:
If you aren’t aware of what your needs are, or you're unclear on what outcome you want, it will be very difficult to get where you want to go, and you won’t be able to create a solution or boundary that meet your needs.
A need is a quality or condition that is necessary or required. A common need in a relationship, for example, is honesty. If you feel discomfort, negative feelings, or pain, it could be a sign that you have a need that isn’t being met.
The needs continuum runs from someone being anti-dependent, or needless and wantless on one extreme, to being too needy or too dependent on the other extreme.
Healthy interdependence involves being open to asking for help when you need it, willing to give help when it’s asked for, and aware of what your own responsibilities are.
Highlights from Episode #11:
Today’s episode will cover identifying your needs and getting them met. [01:26]
Vicki takes a moment to define what needs are. [03:14]
Neglect in childhood can cause problems for people in adulthood knowing their needs and getting them met. An example of parents being neglectful in meeting a child’s needs is not taking their child to the doctor or the dentist. [06:22]
Ideally, in close interpersonal relationships, both people are interdependent rather than being on either end of the needs continuum. [10:25]
Vicki explores the needs continuum in more depth, explaining what the extreme on either end looks like. [13:23]
We learn more about what interdependence in healthy, functional relationships looks like. - [18:57]
The first part of Step 2 of the 5-Step Boundary Solution is to identify the unmet needs that you have with regard to the situation. Once you identify your needs, you can create a clear, specific, and measurable vision of an outcome. [24:00]
Vicki gives an example of a vague outcome that isn’t specific and measurable. [27:24]
Needs Inventory from The Center for Nonviolent Communication
19 Feb 2020
#83 - Finding Clarity in Not Knowing
00:20:30
How do you feel about not having clarity or answers, or not knowing what to do next? Most of us (including me!) don’t like the feeling. But as hard as it is, I want to make the case for uncertainty as a distinct state in its own right, with its own unique brand of clarity. Tune in to learn how to accept uncertainty as a predictable — yet frustrating — part of life.
Biggest Takeaways From Episode #83:
The uncomfortable way that we feel about (and react to) not knowing is related to control. If we have a lack of clarity, we don’t have control over an outcome or making it happen.
Contrary to popular notions about boundaries, they are not necessarily constrictive. Boundaries actually create space and safety, which then allow us to relax. This is why we love clarity; it means we know the answer to something or we know what will happen next. Lack of clarity creates a bit of negative activation in our nervous system.
The reality is that life is filled with uncertainty and lack of clarity. So how can we make peace with uncertainty? One option is to accept that not-knowing is a very specific state, so accepting a lack of clarity is a kind of clarity in itself.
Pushing for clarity or for answers often has the unintended consequence of slowing down the process of getting what we're seeking because people generally don’t like to be pressured.
Highlights from Episode #83:
Vicki welcomes listeners to this episode, which is all about not having clarity or answers. [00:39]
What does lack of clarity, or not knowing, have to do with boundaries? [03:07]
Vicki suggests a solution to the discomfort of lack of clarity: accepting not knowing as a kind of clarity of knowing. [08:00]
A consequence of resisting a lack of clarity is that we may try to push a solution or an answer just for the sake of getting clarity. Vicki explains why this can be a problem. [12:37]
How can we cultivate the ability to tolerate being in a space or time of not knowing or lacking clarity about something? [15:30]
Vicki points out that not knowing, not having an answer, or not knowing what happens next can be frustrating, but explains that there’s no need for us to try to push for or orchestrate solutions or answers that aren’t yet available to us. [18:55]
A listener asked for an episode specifically dedicated to the practice of the listening boundary. As I started working through what I wanted to talk about, I realized there’s too much to fit into one episode, so this will be a series. This is the first part; the second part will air in two weeks.
Biggest Takeaways From Episode #37:
The listening boundary is how we take in, filter, and ultimately respond to incoming information, whether verbal or written. This is the most difficult, challenging, and complex of the boundaries, but it’s incredibly important.
When you’re filtering information as part of the listening boundary, you have three options. First, you can take the information in as true for you. Second, you can decide that it is not true for you, or that you don't have the same perception. Finally, you may need more information or realize that there is no way to determine whether or not it is true.
As you work on improving this boundary, constantly remember that you are going to practice the boundary imperfectly. Also keep in mind that the highest purpose of listening to another person is to know and understand who the other person is.
Here’s a simple assignment to practice: notice how many times you listen to someone and have the temptation to begin your response with the part of what they said that you didn’t agree with, or like. Instead, pay attention to the things that you agree with.
Highlights from Episode #37:
Vicki introduces the topic of today’s episode: the listening boundary. [00:48]
What is the listening boundary? [02:34] We hear about an instance in which Vicki had to practice the listening boundary recently. [04:38]
Vicki talks about exactly how the listening boundary works, and explains the three options for filtering information. [07:31]
How can you prepare for having a better listening boundary, and what are some of the things that you need to know as you’re working on improving this boundary? [12:29]
Vicki shares another point you should remember as you prepare to use the listening boundary. [19:22]
We hear about what can happen when a person’s listening boundary is not working. [22:10]
Vicki covers some of the common pitfalls around the listening boundary. [24:39]
Vicki gives listeners a simple assignment to practice before part 2 of this series on the listening boundary. [29:38]
#23 - TMI, and Other Problems When Sharing Personal Information
00:29:36
I don’t hear the term “TMI” (which stands for “too much information") much anymore, but it perfectly fits what we’ll be exploring in this episode. Some of us tend to share too much, while others tend not to share as much as we should. This episode includes a homework assignment you can complete after you listen that will help you figure out with whom and how much to share—using what I call the Zones of Intimacy and the Zones of Privacy.
Biggest Takeaways From Episode #23:
Sharing personal information with others can fall on a spectrum between sharing too much on one end, to not sharing enough on the other. How much personal information you should share depends on who you’re talking to, the context, and the type of information.
Anonymous people or casual acquaintances you come into contact with in your everyday life don’t have a right to your personal information. However, the more intimate the relationship is, the more personal information we should share.
To determine how much of your personal information you should share, you need to understand Zones of Intimacy and Zones of Privacy. Imagine two sheets of paper, each with five concentric circles. One sheet contains the people in your life, and the other contains your personal information. In the Zone of Privacy, the innermost circle contains extremely personal information such as your sexual preferences, vulnerabilities, and your deepest wishes. The outermost circle contains mundane information, such as what kind of car you drive or the general area where you live.
Ideally, your Zones of Intimacy Zones of Privacy should match. For example, you would only share your most private, personal information with your intimate partner or spouse.
Highlights from Episode #23:
Vicki introduces the topic of today’s episode, and explores what TMI is. [00:48]
We hear more about oversharing, under-sharing, and some common experiences involved with sharing. [03:41]
Vicki clarifies how the topic she’s covering today is different from determining whether information is secret or private. [09:35]
The tool that Vicki shares in this episode (Zones of Intimacy and Zones of Privacy) involves two sets of concentric circles. She explains what these circles represent in both zones. [11:02]
We learn how the Zones of Privacy correspond with the Zones of Intimacy. [16:17]
What it means for your Zones of Intimacy and Zones of Intimacy to match up. [21:43]
Vicki recaps what she has covered in today’s episode. [28:02]
This episode is inspired by a blog comment. I’m often asked how to communicate boundaries in a way that doesn’t hurt or upset the other person involved, or make them unhappy. However, creating boundaries offers benefits not only for yourself, but also for your loved ones. Today, you’ll learn four ways in which this can happen.
Biggest Takeaways From Episode #29:
When you start learning about boundary work, it can be almost impossible to believe that the important people in your life would have positive feelings about (or might benefit from) your boundaries. There are at least four ways in which this can happen.
First, setting boundaries helps your loved ones know exactly where you stand with them, and where they stand with you. Since intimacy is about knowing and being known, this leads to greater intimacy.
Second, when you create a boundary for yourself, you’re happier (and so is everyone else!). You may be surprised to find that your loved ones are relieved instead of upset at your boundaries.
Third, making a request of another person or setting a boundary creates solutions that reduce stress between you and the other person or people involved.
Finally, your boundaries can help your loved ones by prompting them to change in profound ways and improve their own lives. This can be particularly true when your boundaries are related to the other person’s addiction issues.
Highlights from Episode #28:
Vicki explains where she got the inspiration for today’s episode and shares today’s topic. [01:45]
We hear about the first way that your boundaries can help your loved ones. [04:40]
Making a request is often part of creating a boundary, Vicki explains. [07:38]
Vicki describes the second way in which your boundaries can help others, and offers an example. [09:20]
We learn about the third way that your boundaries help your loved ones. [13:00]
The fourth way that your boundaries can help your loved ones is by prompting change. [18:01]
Vicki provides some examples of what setting boundaries related to addiction looks like. [21:40]
Your loved one won’t be pleased by your boundaries, but you’re taking care of yourself and creating the possibility for your loved one to get better, Vicki points out. [26:38]
Vicki recaps the four ways that your boundaries can help your loved ones. [27:51]
#15: When Boundaries are Successful . . . or Not (Step 5 of the 5-Step Boundary Solution)
00:34:58
This is the fifth of a five-part series taking a deeper dive into each step of the 5-Step Boundary Solution process. If you haven’t heard the episodes covering the first four steps, go back to Episode #10 and start there so that you can get a firm foundation for all five steps. Today, you’ll learn how to evaluate the results of your boundary work, and what to do if the boundary you attempted to set wasn't as successful as you had hoped.
Biggest Takeaways From Episode #15:
If the boundary you created as a result of working Steps 1-4 has been successful—even if it wasn’t 100% perfect—it's time to celebrate! If the boundary didn't turn out as you planned, or the person you established a boundary with broke an agreement, there are almost always more steps you can take.
If your boundary didn’t work, ask yourself three questions:
Did you follow through on what you committed to in Step 4?
If you made a request of another person, was the agreement clear?
Was the agreement broken, or was there a boundary violation?
Your response to a broken agreement should be in proportion to the importance of the issue to you. In other words, you wouldn't immediately file for divorce if your spouse forgot to take the trash out one week.
It’s important to understand the difference between punishment, consequences, and self-care, and to not allow someone else to cause you to believe that you are "punishing" them with your boundaries, when in fact the boundary was a natural consequence, an act of self-care, or both.
Highlights from Episode #15:
Vicki offers a quick overview of the four steps of the 5-Step Boundary Solution. [01:34]
Step 5 is about evaluating the results of your boundary work, and making course corrections if needed. [06:42]
If a boundary didn’t work, start by asking yourself three specific questions. [10:06]
We hear about some potential mistakes that one can make during this step. [14:38]
There are several options in cases of broken agreements or boundary violations. [16:45]
Vicki makes a distinction between three concepts: self-care, consequences, and punishment. [23:04]
One option when you’re working through Step 5 is that you need to return to Step 1 to work the 5-SBS around the new issue or problem. [27:46]
Last week, I had a totally new realization about a new boundaries framework. I stumbled on another way to conceptualize the way we experience boundaries or limits, and that’s what I want to share with you today. This is all about the hierarchy of boundaries, and whether or not boundaries are optional. Do some of us get a pass on boundaries, or get to decide that boundaries don’t apply? Tune in as I talk about anyone is “above the law” as it comes to boundaries.
Biggest Takeaways From Episode #91:
The hierarchy of boundaries has six levels. In order, these are: personal limits, relationship limits, limits we create with other people with agreement, rules or regulations, laws, and universal laws.
The first two levels are all about boundaries that you have the power to create as you navigate your relationships with other people (or yourself). Both of these boundaries are ones where you have control.
The next two levels involve agreements with other people. In the third level, you have the power to make an agreement with someone else; in the fourth, you make your choice to be subject to rules and regulations by choosing to be part of an organization or community.
Violating the boundaries in the fifth level, laws, can carry serious consequences, even up to losing your life if you’re sentenced to the death penalty. The sixth level is the level at which none of can escape the consequences of boundaries or limits.
Highlights from Episode #91:
Vicki welcomes listeners to the episode, and introduces this week’s topic. [00:39]
There is a hierarchy of the way that we experience limits, Vicki explains, and briefly introduces the six levels. [02:37]
We hear about the first and second levels of the hierarchy in more depth. [05:13]
The third level is about creating boundaries by agreement with other people. [08:27]
The next level of the hierarchy involves rules and regulations of organizations or communities. [11:15]
The fifth level involves laws created by nations or states. [13:01]
Vicki gives examples of situations where someone may escalate through the levels of boundaries. [14:53]
We learn about the final level in the hierarchy of limits, which is universal laws like gravity, time, and viruses like COVID-19. [17:24]
#114 - COVID-19 Boundary Challenges & the Holidays (Pandemic Episodes)
00:25:27
Happy Thanksgiving! This episode is coming out just in time to help you navigate the complexities of holidays in the time of COVID-19 (although the points about safety are always relevant). As we explore this new complex landscape, let's take some time to talk about boundaries, agreements, and the freedom to choose.
Biggest Takeaways From Episode #114:
When you hear words like “let” or “made” (in the sense of “making” someone do something), they often indicate that the person using them doesn’t fully understand how boundaries work.
If you make a request and someone else freely agrees, no one is being “made” to do anything. And the act of making a request isn’t controlling, because it recognizes the freedom that the other person has to make their own decisions.
During the pandemic, we’re faced with many dilemmas as we navigate what to do based on what the people around us are doing (or not doing).
Remember that you get to decide what’s best for you, and for the people in your care. Other people also get to decide what’s best for them, including requiring that you get tested before you come to their house.
Highlights from Episode #114:
Welcome back to the show! Today’s episode was inspired by a listener’s question about how to apply boundaries around different perceptions of safety regarding COVID-19. [00:39]
Vicki responds to the listener, complimenting her boundary work and pointing out that parents are responsible for their children’s safety. [04:25]
We hear about where the listener’s question becomes a little bit confusing—and why her opportunity to negotiate boundaries will go on for years or decades. [13:18]
Vicki explores one of the most challenging parts of boundaries during COVID-19, and returns to addressing questions of freedom and control. [17:03]
You are the decider for what is best for you and the people in your care. [22:38]
#105 - Managing "Quarantine Work Creep" (Pandemic Episodes)
00:36:59
Almost all of us are struggling with the new landscape of our jobs right now. And in this sudden reality of working from home, it can be a challenge to set healthy work boundaries. Without the separation between home and office, you might be finding yourself working longer hours or feeling like you’re constantly on call. Tune in to learn how to establish healthy work boundaries and avoid letting “quarantine work creep” take over your life.
Biggest Takeaways From Episode #105:
Get started in managing quarantine work creep by figuring your employer’s expectations of you in terms of availability, communication, and job description. If you’re not sure or anything is unclear, ask!
We train other people how to treat us. If your behavior is at odds with what you say about your availability, you’re demonstrating that you are available even during times you said you weren't.
If you’re working on something and really want to finish it, there are some specific steps you can take to make sure your extra work isn’t taken for granted. But don’t expect to get paid extra for your own choice to work more if that isn’t part of your work agreement.
Highlights from Episode #105:
Vicki welcomes listeners to this episode, and talks about herupcoming free live virtual event for women. She then begins exploring today’s topic: quarantine work creep. [00:39]
You can set boundaries at work even if you’ve been at your job for a while and didn’t start off perfectly, Vicki explains. She then talks about where to start. [06:29]
Vicki points out that for everything that isn’t explicitly stated to you as an expectation, you have a lot of freedom. [14:35]
If you’re working remotely, Vicki highly recommends that you have a separate business phone number and business address. [19:50]
Vicki invites listeners to ask themselves a hard question: “What was it that I wanted in that situation?” [25:51]
What if you’re working on something and are really excited to finish it? [27:53]
Vicki talks about the best ways to have difficult conversations, and explores the reason why a lot of us have Zoom fatigue. [32:51]
Do you have tips or suggestions around managing quarantine work creep? If so, head to theBeyond Bitchywebsite and share your ideas as comments on this episode. [35:15]
#81 - Diagnostic Distractions: When Someone You Love is NPD, MEM, ADHD, Bi-Polar, etc.
00:16:55
As surprising as it may sound, you shouldn’t tailor your boundary work to the diagnosis of a loved one. Working with hundreds of women over the years, I’ve found that women tend to be more focused on trying to figure out their loved one's conditions and diagnoses, and that's why I’m dedicating this episode to women. In this episode you'll learn why digging into a loved one’s labels and conditions is ultimately a distraction from boundary work, which always starts and ends with you and your reality.
Biggest Takeaways From Episode #81:
I believe that all of these labels and diagnoses are ultimately distractions, and focusing on them isn’t helpful when it comes to creating your limits, standards, and boundaries.
When we focus on researching diagnoses, it’s not just a waste of our time, but also outside of our circle of control.
All of this applies even if you’re a licensed physician or mental health treatment provider (even me)! It’s not within your circle of control to veer into someone else’s lane and try to diagnose what’s going on with someone close to you.
Highlights from Episode #81:
Vicki welcomes listeners to this episode that’s dedicated to women, and explains what she’ll cover. [00:39]
When it comes to setting boundaries, how can it not matter that your spouse has a diagnosed issue or condition? [03:57]
Vicki shares a couple of personal examples that illustrate her point about not spending your time figuring out a diagnosis. [07:55]
When you research various conditions too much, it’s easy to start believing that you have them, Vicki points out. [10:52]
We hear another reason why Vicki doesn’t recommend tailoring your boundary work to the diagnosis of a loved one. [13:32]
The first episode of each month is dedicated to the topic of women and boundaries. In this episode, we’ll dig into the topic of saying "no." I’ll talk about why "no" should be celebrated whether we’re saying it or others are they're saying it to us. We’ll also explore strategies and tools to help you avoid saying “yes” when you really want to say “no.”
Biggest Takeaways From Episode #8:
“No” is a complete sentence, and the ultimate boundary. It’s a hard stop, and is is a non-negotiable boundary. When it comes to sexual consent, a "no" from another person must be accepted. Period. In this episode we'll be focusing on garden variety, everyday "nos" rather than the more serious issue of sexual consent.
Because women tend to be more collaborative in their problem-solving and conflict resolution in general, they generally struggle more to say “no” than men do. With that said, saying "no" gets easier the more you practice—you're flexing that figurative muscle.
There are various reasons to celebrate the “no!” For example, when you’re saying “no,” you’re saying “yes” to the other things that are more important than you. When other people say “no” to you, you get clarity about where they stand and where you stand with them.
Strategies for saying “no” when it feels difficult include delaying the response, saying you’re not available (without explaining or justifying), offering an alternative (if you genuinely mean it), or ignoring the request.
Highlights from Episode #8:
There are some differences between men and women when it comes to say "no." There are also differences in the way people respond to a direct, clear “no." [02:48]
Time is finite and limited. When you say “yes” to something you really wanted to say “no” to, you may be delaying your goals and dreams. [08:22]
Another danger of saying “yes” when you really mean “no” is that you may create a resentment, which is victim anger. [12:54]
Vicki talks about some compelling reasons why we should celebrate the “no,” whether it’s our own or others’. [14:46]
Strategies for responding to someone when you know you want to say “no” but you’re feeling challenged. [24:15]
Vicki recaps what we’ve covered in this episode, and offers listeners a homework assignment. [32:47]
#93 - Listening When Trauma Speaks (Dedicated to the Memory of George Floyd)
00:41:19
Right now, in the United States, trauma is speaking. Prejudice and racism wounds, and are potentially traumatizing to anyone who experiences them. But listening to another person’s trauma is a challenging thing to do, especially if we perceive that we may have played a part in their experience — even when remaining silent or looking away. Let’s talk about how to listen when trauma speaks.
Biggest Takeaways From Episode #93:
The listening boundary is the most challenging boundary for most of us. When we feel at fault or like we’re being blamed for trauma, it takes the listening boundary to a whole new level.
Prejudice and racism are spread very much like the coronavirus; people who appear not to be infected can infect quite a few people, and the results can be deadly.
What has happened since Mr. Floyd’s death is the result of centuries of oppression, discrimination, and systemic, institutionalized racism.
Notice any urges you have to defend, explain, or make the other person feel better. This is usually a sign that you’ve strayed into defensiveness.
Highlights from Episode #93:
Vicki makes a clarification, then introduces today’s episode on how to listen when trauma speaks. [00:39]
We hear Vicki’s thoughts on the use of the words “white” and “Black” to describe people. She then shares some of her own journey. [04:19]
Despite having intentionally and actively worked against it, Vicki still counts herself as a product of the racial conditioning that she received as a child. [11:17]
Vicki shares a jaw-dropping story about unaware racism. [18:03]
Discomfort can make it difficult to listen when trauma speaks. [22:36]
What’s the solution? How do we listen to another person’s trauma? Vicki offers some tips and advice, and emphasizes the importance of listening. [30:01]
Vicki offers some observations about the way that white people try to make things better, but end up making them worse. [34:43]
White people will never know what it feels like to be a person of color. Vicki invites white listeners to have curiosity, embrace humility, and to try to stay open to the reality that others may have very different life circumstances and experiences. [39:12]
#102 - Should I Make a Request or Express a Desire? (For Women)
00:35:48
Women, do you fully understand the difference between making a request and expressing a desire? The concept of expressing a desire as an alternative to making a request is a relatively new one for me, and I want to explore it with you in depth today. I’ll give you some guidelines and suggestions that will help you understand both and learn to use whichever works best for your situation.
Biggest Takeaways From Episode #102:
Requests are always questions, and there are three possible responses: yes, no, or a negotiated alternative. It will serve you to train your ear to hear whether someone is actually making a request, which requires a question.
Laura Doyleintroduced me to the concept of “expressing desires in a way that inspires.” When expressing a desire, it needs to be a pure desire — about what you want, and does not include a "you" or "we," either directly or indirectly.
Expressing a desire must also include detaching from the outcome. You may or may not receive the desire you expressed.
If an issue ranks at or above a 7/10 in terms of importance or is about your safety, a request is a better fit than expressing a desire.
Vicki talks about the concept for today’s episode, where it came from, and how it relates to gender roles and potentially same-sex relationships. [03:29]
Making a request is part of Step 4 of the5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier. Vicki digs into this in more depth, and talks about how requests function. [06:04]
In order to be really successful with making requests, you need to have some credit in your relationship “bank account.” [13:54]
Vicki shifts into talking about expressing desires, a concept she got from Laura Doyle. [15:44]
What are the rules and guidelines for expressing desires in a way that inspires? [20:42]
Vicki shares a personal story as an example of expressing a desire not having a specific outcome. [25:34]
We learn how to tell when to make a request instead of expressing a desire. [29:07]
In this first episode, I want to begin laying the foundation for you to create your very best personal and relationship boundaries. So many people are either uninformed or misinformed about boundaries, and I want you to have all the information you need to help you feel more confident about how boundaries work.
Biggest Takeaways From Episode #1:
If you’re feeling clueless about how personal and relationship boundaries work, or you think they’re selfish, rigid, or bitchy, you’re in the right place! Setting boundaries is the key to getting both the space you need and the connection you crave.
Boundaries are anything that defines space between one thing or another. Doors, lines between lanes on a highway, or stop signs and lights are all examples of boundaries we encounter in our daily life.
In relationships, boundaries are about creating protection—either for you or for others. If you don’t feel safe personally or in relationships, you can’t progress to higher level needs like affection, love, and self-actualization.
When you start setting boundaries, be prepared for resistance and pushback. That means you’re on the right track!
Results you can expect from better boundaries, and why boundaries are absolutely not bitchy.
In today’s episode I want to begin laying the foundation for you to create your very best personal and relationship boundaries. So many people are either uninformed or misinformed about boundaries, and I want you to have all the information you need to help you feel more confident about how boundaries work.
Highlights from Episode #1:
Welcome, and what you can expect from this and future episodes. The first 4-6 episodes will be devoted to the fundamentals of effective boundary work. [00:40]
Intro to Vicki, how she got here, and why she’s so passionate about teaching boundaries. [01:52]
Boundaries defined. [06:22]
What are personal and relationship boundaries, and how they create safety. [09:05]
How people in your life may react when you start setting—or upleveling—boundaries. [15:09]
#49 - Quick Tips #5: 4 Signs Your Boundaries May Be Too Harsh
00:16:14
Has anyone ever told you that your boundaries are too harsh? Probably so! If they have, this is the episode for you. If you automatically believe your boundaries are too harsh, you will likely lead you down the wrong path. After all, getting pushback on boundaries is usually a sign that, at a minimum, you’re doing something different! It is possible, though, for boundaries to be over-the-top. You’ll learn four signs today that your boundaries have gone too far.
Biggest Takeaways From Episode #49:
There are times when we need to set boundaries that may be perceived as harsh. For example, if someone is (or has been) abusive, if they’re active in an addiction, or their constant communication is starting to feel like stalking or harassment, it’s appropriate to set a very hard boundary.
The first sign that a boundary may be too harsh is when you try to set what you call a non-negotiable boundary for what is really an important relationship need.
The second sign that a boundary is too harsh is that you continually set boundaries, but don’t follow through on the consequences you express. This is typically a sign of using boundaries for the sole purpose of controlling or manipulating another person.
Alienating a lot of people with limits, rules, or restrictions around interacting with you is the third sign that your boundaries are too harsh.
The fourth sign that your boundaries may be too harsh is that you consistently delay speaking your mind or setting incremental boundaries, then suddenly you set an extremely strong boundary that surprises others, and seems to come out of nowhere.
Highlights from Episode #49:
Vicki welcomes listeners to today’s episode and talks about the possibilities of boundaries being too harsh. [00:39]
We hear a few examples of cases in which hard boundaries are appropriate. [01:52]
Vicki digs into the first sign that your boundaries may be too harsh. [03:54]
The second sign that your boundaries are too harsh is that you continually set boundaries but don’t follow through. [06:48]
Vicki talks about the third sign that your boundaries may be too harsh. [08:33]
We learn about the fourth and final sign, which involves waiting too long to speak up. [09:46]
If the other person draws lines that seem to come out of nowhere, try this strategy. [13:42]
Vicki recaps the signs and solutions that she has covered in today’s episode. [15:07]
Last week’s episode was a marathon, so I'm going to balance it out this week with a quick tips episode. This one was inspired by a listener’s question that came from a miscommunication around something I said about children having the right to choose their friends. The miscommunication brings up a broader point about checking things out, which I want to explore as a relational tool.
Biggest Takeaways From Episode #97:
Young children do not get to decide who their friends are. When I said in a prior episode that children decide who their friends are, I was referring to children as they get into their teen years, as well adult children. As parents, it’s our responsibility to protect and hold boundaries for our young children.
When we hear someone say something, or even hear secondhand about something someone said, we often believe that is what they actually said, when often that is not the case.
When you hear something that causes a large internal negative reaction, check it out with the other person. This means saying, “This is what I heard you say. Did I hear you right? Did you really mean it that way?”
This method of checking out what someone said is also another option forhow to respond to bait.
Highlights from Episode #97:
Vicki welcomes listeners to today’s episode, and shares the question from a listener that inspired it. [00:39]
Young children don’t get to decide who their friends are, Vicki clarifies. [02:51]
We hear about the bigger issue of checking things out. [06:46]
Vicki shares a recent personal example of a case where she had the opportunity to check out something she was told. [09:29]
Checking out something that you’ve heard is a quick relational tool and can be a helpful response when you’re feeling baited. [11:53]
#84 - Boundaries Quick Tips Episode #13: When Being Kind to You Means Saying "I Can't"
00:11:46
I'll be taking the next few weeks off from the podcast to get moved into my new home — so excited! This is a perfect example of what it looks like to be kind to yourself, which is what this Quick Tips episode is all about. Learn why self-kindness is so important, how you can figure out the best way to be kind to yourself, and what all of this has to do with boundaries.
Biggest Takeaways From Episode #84:
Most people struggle with being kind to themselves, partly because of a fear of missing out, and partly because being busy is seen as a status symbol. There’s so much going on all the time that we tend to push ourselves way too hard.
Examples of times when we should be kind to ourselves include when we’re not feeling well (mentally, physically, emotionally, or spiritually), when we’ve pushed ourselves too hard, or when we’re stressed out.
How can you be kind to yourself around the particular situation that has you feeling unwell, pressured, or stressed out?
Once you’ve figured out the answer to the question of how to be kind to yourself, take action on it! Make that kindness a reality.
Highlights from Episode #84:
Welcome to this quick tips episode! Vicki introduces its topic, then talks about her upcoming freeClarity Circle Live Call. Just click the link to sign up! [00:40]
Vicki is getting ready to move, so out of self-kindness, she’ll be taking a few weeks off from the podcast. [03:26]
Let’s talk about you being kind to yourself, and what that has to do with boundaries. [04:22]
We hear a question that Vicki asks herself about self-kindness. [07:20]
Vicki explains that simply figuring out the answer to her question isn’t enough. [10:00]
#18 - The Knife & The Spatula: Knowing When to Keep Your Mouth Shut
00:29:22
Today’s title may sound cryptic and odd, but by the time you’ve listened to this episode, I promise you will totally get it! I'll cover what is called the "internal boundary" using a recent event from my own life that will help clarify exactly what the internal boundary is and how it works.
Biggest Takeaways From Episode #18:
The internal boundary is the boundary that all of us have—or should have. When you experience an event or situation, you filter that experience through your perception and judgments. You then decide what you think and how you feel, and decide want to do about what you’ve experienced—if anything. This is how the internal boundary works.
When your internal boundary is solid, you respond rather than react.
When you’re trying to decide what to do about an issue, take a moment to think about how important it is to you. Rate it on a scale of 1-10, and use that to help you decide.
If you rate something as a 7 or higher, you probably need to respond in some way, rather than letting it go.
Highlights from Episode #18:
Vicki introduces the topic (and the title) of today’s episode. [00:48]
To illuminate the internal boundary and how it works, Vicki offers a simple example of what happened to her—internally—when she made the mundane realization that the spatula she wanted to use was in the dishwasher. [04:54]
Vicki discusses Step 1 of the 5-Step Boundary Solution process, then returns to talking about the spatula incident. [13:28]
When you experience something that you don't like (especially when it has to do with another person), most of us have a default toward either talking to the other person about it or letting it go. Take a moment and ask yourself what your default is. [17:34]
Vicki talks about the expression, “would you rather be right, or would you rather be happy?” [20:01]
Vicki discussed the three options of what to do shen something another person does doesn’t work for you. [24:24]
Today I dive deeper into defining boundaries so that you can understand the different types and how they function. One of the most important concepts in this episode is that physical and sexual boundaries are non-negotiable—meaning a “no” to physical or sexual touch is not negotiable.
Biggest Takeaways From Episode #2:
Boundaries give you a sense of safety, create clarity, and help you make important improvements in your life as you set limits.
Good boundary-setting skills give you the ability to act from a place of authentic personal power rather than having power over. Authentic personal power means you act from a place of integrity, respect, and taking action over what you have power over.
The five boundaries are: physical, sexual, talking, listening, and the personal energy boundary.
The two functions of boundaries are to protect you and others, and to define who you are through how you choose to share yourself with others physically, sexually, intellectually, and emotionally.
In today’s episode I dive deeper into defining boundaries so that you can understand the different types and how they function. One of the most important concepts in this episode is that physical and sexual boundaries are non-negotiable—meaning a “no” to physical or sexual touch is not negotiable.
Highlights from Episode #2:
How boundaries provides clarity. [03:03]
What good boundaries can do for you. [06:46]
How boundaries also give you the ability to know where you stand in important relationships. [12:15]
How boundaries give you the ability to define who you are and express your authentic self. [16:48]
The two functions of boundaries. [17:19]
Overview of the five boundaries. [20:02]
Physical and sexual boundaries are non-negotiable personal boundaries. [20:04]
People in your life may be facing a variety of dangers, from mental health issues or suicidal urges to addiction or unsafe behavior. But today, I’ll focus on a specific type of danger: physically or sexually abusive relationships. It’s painful to know (or suspect) that a loved one is in a relationship like this, but it’s also tough to know what to do. I’ll give you some specific advice on how to proceed—and what to avoid doing.
Biggest Takeaways From Episode #136:
Here are some things to do when your loved one is in an abusive relationship:
Express concern and your willingness to help.
Give them a way to alert you that you need to call the police or help them get out of the situation.
Call the police if you know or have very good reason to believe that your loved one is in danger. Don’t hesitate; just do it!
Send your loved one healing energy, thoughts, and/or prayers.
Ask yourself whether what you’re planning to do might put this person in danger.
There are also some things you shouldavoiddoing in these circumstances:
Don’t communicate in writing about their relationship or safety issues (unless it’s a time-sensitive emergency).
Don’t suggest that the person in an abusive relationship should go to couple’s therapy.
Don’t confront or agitate the abuser.
Don’t judge your loved one who is being abused.
Be aware that the most dangerous time for an abused person is right after they leave their abuser. The abused person should go to a domestic violence shelter (rather than a loved one’s house) when they leave, because the shelter will have resources to help.
Highlights from Episode #136:
Welcome to episode 136! Let’s talk about what to do in terms of your boundaries when someone you love is in a specific kind of danger. [00:39]
Have you ever considered how your boundaries may impact how successful you are professionally? I’ve always been interested in the intersection of boundaries and business, but I’ve been digging even deeper into the topic recently as I’ve added a few people to my team. Inspired by what I've observed during this process, I'm excited to share today six ways your boundaries make you more successful!
Biggest Takeaways From Episode #80:
From time to time, reflect on what success means to you. Try to separate your own views and beliefs from what you hear from the media or the culture, and create your own definition of success.
Most of us are truly passionate about and highly skilled in just one to three areas. If you’re not clear about what you love to do or your strengths, you probably won’t experience much success. When you focus on your superpowers, though, you can almost always guarantee your success.
Boundaries can help you figure out how you want to spend your time, meet deadlines, overdeliver, become more hireable, create confidence in others, and be selective about how you spend your time. All of these can help you become more successful.
Highlights from Episode #80:
Welcome to episode 80! Vicki asks listeners an important and thought-provoking question. [00:39]
Vicki points out that we need to define “success” before talking about success and boundaries. [02:24]
You never know how much influence you might have on the people around you, or even the world. Vicki shares a personal example of this. [08:48]
Vicki talks about the first of the six ways that boundaries can supercharge your success. [12:42]
We learn the second and third ways that boundaries can make you more successful. [17:36]
The fourth way that boundaries impact your success involves having clear guidelines for yourself about how you communicate with others. [20:47]
When you’re clear about your talents and how you want to spend your time, you’ll become more selective which is a good thing! [23:08]
Vicki shares the sixth and final way that boundaries can help you reach success. [25:05]
#14: Taking Action! (Step 4 of the 5-Step Boundary Solution)
00:35:24
After last week’s episode on the topic of women and boundaries, we’re returning to our deeper dive into each step of the 5-Step Boundary Solution process. This episode will focus on Step 4: Taking Action. If you haven’t already heard the first three steps of the 5-SBS, go back and listen to Episodes #10-12.
Biggest Takeaways From Episode #14:
When you're planning what action to take, you need to know whether you have a contract (agreement) with another person, or whether it’s just an expectation. Mistaking expectations for agreements can lead to disappointment, frustration, or worse.
Demands and requests are on a continuum. On one end, we get our needs met in a very passive way. At the other extreme we make demands.
There’s a fine—but important—difference between a non-negotiable boundary, which expresses what you are going to do, and an ultimatum, which is a demand.
When you want to make a request, there are best practices. First, choose a time when both of you are relatively calm and undistracted, and notice the state of your own nervous system. Ask the other person if they’re available to talk about something important, and be willing to take “no” for an answer.
Highlights from Episode #14:
Vicki introduces Step 4 of the 5-Step Boundary Solution process: Taking Action. [03:57]
There’s an important difference between contracts and expectations, as well as between demands and requests. [06:39]
Vicki explores the differences between non-negotiable boundaries and ultimatums. [11:50]
Making a request is often the most challenging option of the 4 possibilities in Step 4. Vicki discusses best practices for making requests. [16:42]
When you want to make a request, avoid these particular things. [21:56]
“If you can’t accept another person’s no, then their yes doesn’t mean a whole lot,” Vicki explains. [24:59]
Vicki offers a refresher on what the four options are in terms of taking action. [26:57]
Vicki presents the idea of keeping an agreement journey, as well as why an agreement journal can be helpful. [30:42]
Lately, I’ve been focusing on the theme of “return to you.” And getting caught up in the belief that what other people do is about you can get in the way of returning to, or knowing, yourself. So I’d like to dedicate this episode to exploring the fact that what other people do is in fact aboutthem, not you. If that idea sounds counterintuitive or hard to believe, I hope this episode will help explain why I believe so strongly that it’s true.
Biggest Takeaways From Episode #122:
While the title is just about what other people do, this also applies to what other people think, say, or feel. All of this is completely about them.
Most of us struggle with understanding that it’s not about us—especially if the other person claims that it is.
If you get this wrong and think that these things are about you, you’ll probably try to change. But this doesn’t work, no matter how much you try to twist or morph yourself into somebody else.
Highlights from Episode #122:
Welcome to today’s episode, which is all about the fact that what other people do is all about them. [00:39]
Vicki talks about the struggle of believing that it’s about us, not the other person. She then shares examples to explain how this relates to boundaries. [02:41]
We hear about a presentation that Vicki gave, and why she doesn’t believe in rejection. [06:22]
Why is all of this so important? [09:26]
Another danger of believing that it is about you is that you’re saying that you’re essentially a god or goddess, Vicki points out. [12:12]
Vicki explains that this concept is at the root of a lot of challenges and misunderstandings about boundaries. [15:03]
Happy holidays! This is the final episode for this year, but I’ll have some exciting news exclusively for listeners next year, and I’m looking forward to sharing that with you. For now, let’s talk about the connecting power of boundaries—because theydoactually create connection, despite their bad reputation! I’d also like to invite you to reflect on the ways that you want to be more in alignment with yourself, which is one of the best ways to create more connection with others.
Biggest Takeaways From Episode #117:
There’s a misconception that boundaries are harsh or rigid, or that they create disconnection. This bad rap usually comes from the people who are on the receiving end!
Boundaries can actually lead to connection, sometimes in surprising ways.
Setting boundaries with ourselves in terms of how we respond is one of the ways that boundaries can help us connect.
When you create a limit with another person and they honor your boundary, that actually creates connection. This can happen in a parent/adult child relationship or even with your significant other.
Even saying “no” to a request can be a connecting experience, as long as that is your authentic response.
Highlights from Episode #117:
Welcome to the show! Vicki wishes listeners happy holidays, and explains that she’ll be taking some time off for self-care. [00:39]
You have a right to create whatever boundary you need to create, Vicki points out. [03:27]
Vicki shares a few of the ways that boundaries can create connection. [06:21]
If you’re struggling to wrap your head around how honoring a boundary creates connection, think back to a time when someone tried to push the limit or ignored your boundary. [10:58]
We learn about how making or receiving a request can be a connecting experience. [13:06]
Vicki shares one last example of how limits can help us create connection. [15:22]
We hear a recap of the four examples that Vicki has shared today. [18:41]
#90 - 7 Ways to Stop Unproductive & Harmful Thinking
00:31:33
How do you stop or change thoughts that harm you? This time of uncertainty, vocational insecurity, job loss, and other upheavals is the perfect opportunity to explore being more aware of our thinking, and how our thoughts impact our emotions (and our lives). Let’s talk about seven ways you can turn around unproductive or harmful thoughts.
Biggest Takeaways From Episode #90:
Even in the best of times, our thoughts are usually our worst enemy. Your thoughts create your emotions, and negative thoughts damage your confidence. In other words, our thoughts profoundly influence every area of our lives.
Examples of harmful thoughts include replaying a small incident over and over in your mind, getting over-involved in what other people are doing, or thoughts that you’re inadequate or less-than.
One of the best ways to stop unproductive and painful thinking is simply to divert your thoughts. Another option is to connect with your senses.
Most of us are masters at finding evidence to support our negative thoughts. Try turning this around and finding evidence of what you want to experience more of.
Stop hanging out with people who are negative, or who damage your confidence. Another strategy is to write down all of your hurtful, unproductive, or toxic thoughts.
Highlights from Episode #90:
Welcome to Episode 90! Vicki shares her wishes for listeners, and makes an announcement about her upcoming free live call about how the pandemic is giving us all a masterclass on boundaries.Click here to sign up![00:39]
Vicki dives into today’s topic: how to stop unproductive and harmful thinking. [02:31]
Thoughts happen to us; we don’t choose them. Vicki shares a simple question to prove this point, and talks about the role of thoughts in our mood. [05:51]
What are unproductive thoughts? Vicki gives some examples to clarify. [13:44]
Vicki starts talking about solutions, and shares seven ways to stop unproductive and painful thinking. [20:08]
We hear about Byron Katie and her powerful process called The Work. [28:04]
We all make mistakes or break a commitments from time to time—myself included. Just last week, I was supposed to release a podcast episode about women and boundaries, but it completely slipped my mind that it was the first episode of the month. When things like that happen, the key is to be accountable, plain and simple. Sometimes a simple apology is enough, but for higher-level broken agreements or boundary violations, you'll need a higher level of repair or amends. Tune into this episode to learn more!
Biggest Takeaways From Episode #22:
When you hold someone accountable for breaking an agreement, most people respond by defending themselves, excusing their behavior, minimizing or rationalizing what they did, or telling you to “lighten up” or asking you "what's your problem?"
The two primary reasons most people struggle to be accountable is that they either may have a wobbly sense self, or they know in their heart that they are out of integrity.
You may be surprised to learn that when you hold someone accountable, you’re actually inviting them to greater intimacy. Accountability is a fundamental relationship skill that’s almost on the same level as honesty in terms of how important it is to a relationship.
There are several steps involved in being held accountable. 1. Listen to what the person holding you accountable has to say. 2. Tell the truth about what really happened. 3. Own the mistake. 4. Make a repair or amends of some kind. 5. Follow through.
Highlights from Episode #22:
Vicki addresses a few quick points: gratitude for podcast ratings, the availability of her book Moving Beyond Betrayal in audiobook format, and an acknowledgment of a mistake. [00:48]
Today’s episode is all about accountability, Vicki explains. She then covers some of the reactions people can have when you confront someone about a broken agreement. [03:12]
Vicki covers some of the reasons why people struggle to be accountable. [05:20]
Vicki defines accountability, then talks about what it has to do with boundaries. [08:22]
We hear about what accountability looks like, and the several steps involved. [10:47]
When you’re coming up with a repair for a broken agreement, it can be extremely helpful to ask the other person involved what kind of repair they would like. [16:16]
The last part of being accountable is following through. [19:47]
Vicki explains how accountability is an invitation to greater intimacy. [21:32]
Vicki offers some closing advice surrounding accountability. [27:02]
Can you believe that next week will already be Episode #100? Wow! Stay tuned for something special. But for now, let’s talk about a topic inspired by the listener questions archive. Even if you love to get up close and personal with others, there has probably been a time when you wanted someone to just back off and give you space. And yes, this even applies during the pandemic! Tune in to learn how to navigate this situation and create the space you need.
Biggest Takeaways From Episode #99:
Both during this pandemic and after it, we’ll encounter people who don’t give us as much space as we would like.
Many of us tend not to take or ask for more space because we don’t want to be rude or hurt someone’s feelings. This is a self-defeating mindset, because you’re prioritizing what you think someone else’s feelings may be over your own needs.
You can use non-verbal methods to create space, like putting your shopping cart behind you in line, or sticking your purse, elbow, or foot out to expand your space. Another option is to be more animated, making larger movements with your arms or body.
If you want to say something, try “excuse me, I need a little bit more room, could you move over/back up a little bit?” Make sure you don’t place the blame by saying “you’re too close” or “you’re crowding me”; make it all about yourself and your needs, then make your request.
Let’s talk about mothers-in-law! Even though boundaries and rules work the same way across all adult relationships, there’s a tendency to forget this with our parents and our in-laws (especially mothers-in-law). That’s why this episode is dedicated to the often-complicated relationship with mothers-in-law. If you’ve ever felt slighted by your mother-in-law or wanted more connection than she seems willing to give, this is the episode for you!
Biggest Takeaways From Episode #75:
Keep in mind that if you’re a woman with children (or hope to have them someday), there’s a good chance that you yourself will someday be a mother-in-law.
Imagine your problematic mother-in-law were an acquaintance. Would you spend energy trying to develop a friendship with her? If not, why not apply that same principle to your mother-in-law? It’s okay to let go of the wish for, or expectation of, a friendly relationship.
If just one person is holding up a relationship, it’s not really a true relationship between two people.
Ultimately, it’s healthier for the son- or daughter-in-law (and better for their relationship) to practice self-care, create boundaries, and find their “I can’t.”
Sometimes when we pull back our energy, the other person (the mother-in-law in this case) may feel invited to become more involved.
Highlights from Episode #75:
Vicki welcomes listeners to this episode about boundaries and mothers-in-law. [00:39]
We hear a bit about Vicki’s relationship with her late mother-in-law, as well as the question that prompted today’s episode. [02:41]
Vicki shares her reaction and responses to the listener’s question, as well as some advice. [08:14]
Over the years, Vicki has heard some truly awful mother-in-law stories. She briefly digs into these, then explains why setting boundaries is better for both the son- or daughter-in-law and their spouse. [12:43]
Vicki explains why it’s important for the spouse whose mother is involved to be the one to resolve the issue when there’s ongoing conflict. [17:54]
We hear a recap of the points that Vicki has covered in this episode. [21:38]
#126 - Are Your Consequences Punishment or Self-Care?
00:20:31
The nextmonthly boundaries clarifier workshopis coming up next Tuesday, March 23, 2021! Bring an issue or boundary, and we’ll all work on it together by using the5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier. But let’s get onto today’s topic: your responses to boundary issues and why self-care can be a far better choice than consequences. In fact, whenever you experience a boundary violation, I’d like to invite you to start by thinking about self-care. How can you get your needs met while taking care of yourself and your feelings?
Biggest Takeaways From Episode #126:
It’s common to think about “consequences” (or even punishment) for broken agreements or boundary violations. But it can be more effective to think of your response to a broken agreement in terms of self-care instead.
Imagine yourself in a scenario in which someone has violated an agreement or boundary. (My example is someone forgetting about shared plans, but you can use a different scenario if you prefer.) What would self-care look like in this scenario? What would “consequences” look like? How do those options feel different as you sit with them?
When we want to be respectful and relational with another adult, there’s no place for punishments—even for broken agreements. If you try, you may even find yourself with an emotional hangover!
Highlights from Episode #126:
Vicki welcomes listeners to episode 126, which is all about your consequences! Are they punishment or self-care? [00:39]
We learn about the three most common ways to think about responding to boundary violations: consequences, punishment, or self-care. [03:15]
Vicki offers a specific example to demonstrate what she means about responding with self-care. [05:25]
In a scenario like Vicki has described, you might feel angry or hurt. She then talks about what self-care might look like in this case. [09:26]
In that same scenario, thinking about consequences feels different. [12:46]
Vicki talks about another example, this time demonstrating how consequences may not be helpful. [14:52]
We learn about outright punishments, which have no place [16:37]
When you’re thinking about how to respond to a boundary problem or violation, start with self-care. [18:17]
#67 - What is “Unreasonable?” [Spoiler Alert: It’s in the Eye of the Beholder]
00:20:41
Has anyone ever told you that you were being unreasonable or that you made an unreasonable request? It's a common argument, with a simple resolution. In today's episode Vicki talks about why unreasonable is in the eye of the beholder, and how you can avoid arguing about whether or not something is unreasonable.
Biggest Takeaways From Episode #67:
What is reasonable is a perception or an opinion.
Arguments about what is reasonable or unreasonable tend to arise when someone makes a request or they have an expectation of another person.
Responding to a request by saying "that's unreasonable" is a diversion, and doesn't address the request made.
Rather than arguing about whether or not a request is reasonable or unreasonable, focus on potential solutions in order to maintain intimate connection.
Highlights from Episode #67:
Welcome back to the show! [00:41]
How to get specific questions about infidelity, addiction, or betrayal answered by Vicki. [03:04]
This episode was inspired by several questions from a listener revolving around “what is unreasonable?” [04:18]
Unreasonable is a perception; and Vicki gives an example. [06:31]
When does the question or reasonable or unreasonable tend to become an issue in communication? [09:25]
Two concepts that are essential when you disagree with someone about whether or not something is reasonable. [14:44]
When receiving a request from another person, there are three options for responding. [15:08]
Has anyone ever told you that your request was unreasonable? Did it cause an argument? [16:16]
Tips for learning how to focus on solution or resolution while maintaining intimacy. [17:37]
Ask yourself, "is this going to build and maintain intimacy or harm it?" [18:32]
Today’s episode is all about what's called “offending from the victim position.” It's such a crucial concept to understand when it comes to healthy boundaries that I am dedicating this episode to Pia Mellody, who coined the term. I’ll go into depth to explain what offending from the victim position means, as well as why it’s so problematic. I’ll also share some tips to avoid this boundary-less and problematic behavior.
Biggest Takeaways From Episode #19:
To offend means to cause to feel upset, annoyed, or resentful. Therefore, it’s a subjective experience.
When you see yourself as a victim, you feel less-than, your self-esteem goes down, and you may feel a sense of powerlessness, shame, or pain. Because these are such negative feelings, a common response for many is to attempt to get back at the person or situation that you see as the cause of your painful feelings.
While it’s tempting to retaliate or take revenge as a way to get your power back when someone offends you, it is not a healthy expression of authentic personal power.
There are several reasons to avoid retaliating as a response to feeling offended. First, it typically places you outside your own value system and creates an integrity failure. Second, every action has a ripple effect, and actions have consequences. Finally, when you reflect on your choice to offend from the victim position, you will probably have an emotional hangover, or otherwise feel guilt or shame about your behavior.
Highlights from Episode #19:
Vicki introduces the topic of today’s episode. [00:48]
We learn about what it means to offend from the victim position, and Vicki introduces an example from her own life. [04:24]
As a result of seeing yourself as a victim, you feel less-than or you go one-down in terms of your esteem. Vicki explores why this is the case, and what can happen next. [10:01]
Vicki talks about the temptation to retaliate when someone has offended you, and why we need to avoid doing it. [16:35]
We hear about how to avoid offending from the victim position in the future. [23:19]
In the example that Vicki has been using throughout the episode, Vicki shares how she chose to respond to what might have been perceived by many to be an offending event. [31:31]
When you take a moment to think about you, technology, and boundaries, don't you feel the guilt and pressure? Most of us have a love/hate relationship with technology, and struggle to create boundaries around tech. In this episode, I'll help you define your boundaries around technology and inspire you to own technology, rather than letting technology own you.
Biggest Takeaways From Episode #16:
When you hear the word “consumption” you probably think of food. In reality, you are consuming all of the time you are conscious and awake.
Here are some specific signs that you may have a problem with technology:
You get online for a specific purpose, and realize later that you haven’t completed what you set out to do.
You spend more time documenting what you’re doing and uploading it to social media than enjoying the moment.
You use technology to procrastinate and avoid tasks or goals that need your attention.
You're busy, but not productive.
You feel out of control around technology.
You realize that your use of technology is preventing you from accomplishing goals or dreams.
Here are some specific solutions—and boundaries—regarding technology and devices:
Track and notice what you’re doing now.
Do an honest evaluation of whether your relationship with technology is enhancing your life and bringing you closer to your goals.
Experiment with not having your devices with you in some settings or situations.
Set a timer when using technology or completing a task that requires you to be online, for example.
Highlights from Episode #16:
Vicki gives an overview of the topic of today’s episode: you, technology, and boundaries. [02:30]
We hear about consumption in general, as well as consumption in technology specifically. [04:27]
Neuroscience has taught us that images are very powerful and stored in a part of the brain that is older than our thoughts. [08:20]
Vicki talks about some of the signs that you may have a problem with technology. [12:34]
Pay attention to your physiological responses when it comes to using technology. [20:06]
We hear about some solutions regarding technology and devices. [28:30]
#94 - How Far Can You Go? Sometimes, Boundaries Are Not the Answer
00:17:11
This is a scary time. So many of us are dealing with fear about what’s happening and what may happen, as well as not knowing what’s going to happen or what the future will look like. So let’s talk about something uplifting, forward-thinking, and expansive, that will stretch us beyond our limited mindset, beliefs, or fears. How far can you go?
Biggest Takeaways From Episode #94:
The future has always been uncertain, but this year has brought that perspective to the front and center.
Even though healthy and effective personal and relationship boundaries are vital, sometimes, boundaries are just . . . unnecessary. One example is when we want more of some positive, healthy things that enhance our lives.
Stretching outside of our comfort zone requires courage, and stretching feels uncomfortable. Instead of identifying a destination or a goal, ask yourself how far you can go.
Where in your life do you want to ask yourself how far you can go? Try to drop down from your thinking mind into your body and see what it feels like to ask yourself this question.
Highlights from Episode #94:
Welcome to Episode 94! Vicki explains what today’s episode will be about. [00:39]
Vicki has a special live event coming up for podcast listeners! Tune into her nextClarity Circle(Wednesday, June 24th, at 2 PM US Central time) to hear answers to questions from podcast listeners. [01:52]
We hear the question from a listener that helped inspire this episode. [04:03]
Vicki responds to the listener question she has just read, and recaps the results the listener has achieved. [07:35]
Boundary work absolutely does get better and easier, Vicki reassures the listener who has asked the question. She then talks about the value of asking how far you can go. [10:14]
Vicki invites listeners to ask themselves a specific question. [13:30]
#76 - Balancing Giving & Receiving . . . Just in Time for the Holidays
00:32:23
You’re probably familiar with the idea that it’s better to give than to receive, but is it true? With the holidays coming up soon, it’s time to explore the important topic of balancing giving and receiving. Many of us are hungry to receive attention, compliments, love, and affection, but still struggle with accepting them. Tune into this episode to learn all about achieving balance and receiving graciously!
Biggest Takeaways From Episode #76:
Giving relates to boundary work because it’s about offering your time, energy, and/or resources. Making decisions about what you will or won’t give is setting limits and creating parameters.
Receiving and accepting an invitation or opportunity is also about boundaries and limits; it’s saying “yes,” but also means saying “no” to many other things.
Receiving graciously might be a struggle, but it’s a skill and habit that contributes to intimacy and connection in all your relationships!
If you know that you tend to be an over-giver, strengthen your receiving muscle by simply saying “thank you” when receiving a compliment or gift, without taking on the burden and obligation of giving back.
Highlights from Episode #76:
Welcome to episode 76! Vicki takes a moment to talk about extreme accountability and her upcoming break. [00:39]
Today’s episode, Vicki explains, focuses on balancing giving and receiving. She then digs into the concept of giving. [04:13]
We hear about receiving, which is all about saying “yes” but also creates limits. [09:45]
Vicki covers some of the signs that you might be giving too much. [12:51]
Vicki digs into the concept that it’s better to give than to receive, which actually comes from the Bible, and explores whether it’s true. [15:02]
Many people have a difficult time with receiving, Vicki explains. She then discusses the art and value of receiving graciously. [21:45]
We hear about how receiving graciously relates to the women’s movement. [26:35]
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