After the Affair (Luke Shillings)
Explore every episode of After the Affair
| Pub. Date | Title | Duration | |
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| 05 Jun 2024 | 89. I Bet You Have Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms: How to Spot them After Infidelity | 00:24:33 | |
Welcome to another episode of "After the Affair." I'm your host, Luke Shillings, and today we're tackling a crucial aspect of recovery that many people might not even realise they're struggling with: unhealthy coping mechanisms. After experiencing the emotional upheaval of infidelity, it's easy to fall into habits that seem helpful in the moment but actually hinder your healing process. In this episode, we'll explore:
Whether you're in the midst of your recovery or supporting someone who is, this episode is packed with insights and actionable advice to help you move forward on your healing journey. Join me as we uncover the coping mechanisms that might be holding you back and discover healthier ways to cope and thrive after betrayal. Key Points:
Resources Mentioned:
Join the After the Affair community here - www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity
Connect with Me:
If you found this episode helpful, please subscribe, leave a review, and share it with anyone who might benefit from it. Your support helps us reach more people who need guidance on their recovery journey.
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| 19 Oct 2022 | 5. When Words Ignite | 00:17:50 | |
Are you are trying to heal from infidelity? But no matter how hard you try, every discussion is like setting off a firework! Then this episode is for you. Things are rarely what they seem, and that includes your partner.
I'm currently compiling a list of questions to specifically answer in future episodes. If you have a question that you would like me to answer, then get in touch. See below for contact details:
Website: www.lifecoachluke.com Facebook: www.facebook.com/mylifecoachluke Instagram: www.instagram.com/mylifecoachluke
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| 01 May 2024 | 84. Breaking the Ranks: Navigating Infidelity in Military Marriages with Caz Grant | 00:51:59 | |
In this episode of "After the Affair," Caz Grant joins me to explore the intricacies of infidelity within the context of military life. We delve into how the unique challenges of the military lifestyle can impact personal relationships and communication, leading to profound isolation and unmet needs. Caz shares her personal journey through the aftermath of an affair, the painful but enlightening road to divorce, and the invaluable lessons learned about self-reflection and growth. Key Takeaways: Infidelity in Context: Infidelity often stems from unmet emotional needs and poor communication rather than a desire to hurt the partner. Impact of Military Lifestyle: The rigid structure and frequent relocations inherent in military life can exacerbate communication barriers and hinder the resolution of relationship issues. Communication Breakdown: Cultural norms within the military may discourage open emotional expression, contributing to relationship strains. Topics Covered: Military Lifestyle and Relationships: How the demands of military life can dominate personal relationships and hinder emotional connection. The Affair and Its Aftermath: The circumstances leading up to the affair, its discovery, and the subsequent communication breakthrough. Healing and Growth After Infidelity: Strategies for recovery and personal development post-infidelity, including the importance of understanding oneself and meeting one's own needs. Bio: Caz Grant, a RAF veteran, found love and got married amidst the challenges of military life. However, her transition from service into civilian life brought unexpected changes and the painful reality of her own infidelity. Now, Caz shares her story to offer support to other military couples facing similar struggles, hoping to shed light on the unique challenges they may encounter. Find @cazgrant84 on Instagram at https://www.instagram.com/cazgrant84/ Work with Luke: www.lifecoachluke.com Contact Luke: luke@lifecoachluke.com Join the After the Affair Mailing list: www.lifecoachluke.com/subscribe ---XX JOIN THE AFTER THE AFFAIR COMMUNITY XX--- --> www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity Let's catch up on socials: Facebook: www.facebook.com/mylifecoachluke Instagram: www.instagram.com/mylifecoachluke LinkedIn: www.linkedin.com/in/mylifecoachluke
References in the episode: Region Beta Paradox - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Region-beta_paradox
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| 27 Mar 2024 | 79. Betrayal Unpacked: Two Ways to Heal | 00:20:53 | |
In this episode of 'After the Affair,' I, Luke Shillings, dive deep into the heart of healing after infidelity. We explore two unique approaches to navigating the complex emotions and challenges that arise in the wake of betrayal. Without getting into the specifics of personal stories, I share insights into how we can tackle the overwhelming feelings by breaking them down into manageable parts, as well as the power of focusing on other areas of life to build resilience before facing the tough stuff directly. I discuss the importance of understanding that healing isn't a one-size-fits-all journey and highlight the value of having a diverse set of strategies at your disposal. Whether you're directly confronting the aftermath of an affair or building up your strength through other facets of your life, this episode offers guidance and support for anyone on the path to recovery. Join me as we navigate the foggy forest of infidelity recovery, finding clarity and strength in the process. For those walking this difficult path, remember, you're not alone. With time, patience, and a lot of self-compassion, healing and growth are within reach. Tune in to discover how to make your journey through the aftermath of betrayal a little less daunting and a lot more hopeful. Work with me: www.lifecoachluke.com
Join the After the Affair mailing list: www.lifecoachluke.com/subscribe
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| 12 Feb 2025 | 125. Stuck Between Two Choices: Here’s What You’re Missing With Binary Thinking | 00:11:04 | |
Feeling trapped between two impossible choices? Whether it’s staying in a relationship after betrayal or walking away, deciding whether to tell the full truth or keep things buried, or any other major life decision, binary thinking can make it seem like there are only two options, when, in reality, there are more. In this episode, I explore how black-and-white thinking limits your ability to make the best decision for your future, why your brain naturally defaults to false dilemmas, and how to open up new possibilities that you might not have considered. What You’ll Learn:
Key Takeaways: 🔹 If you feel stuck between two extremes, it’s likely you’re missing other paths forward. 🔹 High-stakes emotions make decisions feel urgent, but taking time to explore alternative perspectives reduces pressure and increases clarity. 🔹 There are often creative, flexible solutions that don’t require you to conform to societal expectations of what “should” happen. 🔹 By expanding your perspective, you gain control over your choices rather than feeling trapped by them. Next time you feel stuck between two options, challenge yourself to come up with at least three alternative choices. They don’t have to be perfect, but simply allowing your mind to expand beyond "this or that" can open doors to better possibilities. 🎧 Tune in now to break free from binary thinking and start making decisions that truly align with YOU. Connect with Luke:
Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity | |||
| 16 Nov 2022 | 9. Rebuild Trust | 00:21:08 | |
Such a common question after infidelity, how do I rebuild trust? How can I ever trust again? I could talk about this subject for hours but I've kept it to around 20 minutes so it will be manageable and accessible to all. If you've found this episode useful, or any episode for that matter... leave a review, it really helps to get it to more people like you who really need it right now. Thank you so much! Book a FREE discovery call to help you take a step forward in your recovery - www.lifecoachluke.com/booking-calendar/discovery-call
Website: www.lifecoachluke.com Facebook: www.facebook.com/mylifecoachluke Instagram: www.instagram.com/mylifecoachluke
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| 21 Jun 2023 | 39. Unveiling EmpathMe - The Dark Side of Self-Empathy | 00:13:40 | |
In the aftermath of an affair, the path to healing is often paved with self-reflection and inner exploration. Join me as I delve into the depths of what I call "EmpathMe", a concept that shines a light on the darker side of self-empathy. In this podcast episode, I explore the complexities of navigating the aftermath of betrayal, revealing the challenges and breakthroughs that come with self-understanding. I uncover the intricacies of "EmpathMe" and its role in post-affair healing. Join me on this journey of self-awareness, as we confront the uncomfortable truths. If you're ready to confront your inner turmoil, find solace in vulnerability, and embark on a profound healing journey after betrayal, this podcast is for you. Tune in to "Unveiling EmpathMe" and discover the transformative potential that lies within the dark corners of self-empathy.
To find out what working with me might look like, visit www.lifecoachluke.com To get on my subscriber to keep up with all the latest going's on at lifecoachlukeHQ then visit www.lifecoachluke.com/subscribe today!
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| 18 Oct 2023 | 56. ’Humping’ After the Affair - Navigating the Emotional Terrain of Recovery | 00:23:36 | |
In this eye-opening episode of 'After the Affair,' I explore the challenging middle ground of the healing journey - affectionately coined as "Humping After the Affair." Don't let the cheeky title fool you; we're delving deep into that frustrating plateau where you feel stuck between the pain of the past and the uncertainty of the future. You've made some progress, but why does it seem like you're just going through the motions? Join me, Luke Shillings as I break down the psychology behind this stagnant phase. I discuss how to avoid the pitfalls of self-judgement, and offer actionable tips for getting your recovery back on track. Whether you're in the middle of your own recovery journey or supporting someone who is, this episode promises valuable insights to help you get over that hump. Tune in and rediscover the momentum you need to move forward. Website: www.lifecoachluke.com Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com Get your Trust-score result here - www.lifecoachluke.com/trust
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| 16 Aug 2023 | 47. Understanding Cheaters | 00:11:40 | |
In this episode, I try to get a better understanding of those who cheat and how it affects the healing process after betrayal. Join me Luke Shillings as I uncover the emotions, justifications, and pain behind acts of infidelity. I dive into the mindset of the cheater, exploring the grey areas that often go overlooked. Remember, understanding does not equate to condoning, but it opens the door to authentic conversation, reconciliation, or closure. So, let's go beyond the surface and uncover the multidimensionality of those who have been betrayed and the powerful role empathy plays in their journey towards growth and change. Listen in for an episode that challenges our preconceptions and offers a path towards healing. Welcome to "After the Affair." Got a question? Let me know at luke@lifecoachluke.com
Learn more at: Website: www.lifecoachluke.com
Find me on socials at: Facebook: www.facebook.com/mylifecoachluke Instagram: www.instagram.com/mylifecoachluke LinkedIn: www.linkedin.com/in/mylifecoachluke TikTok: @mylifecoachluke
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| 26 Apr 2023 | 31. The Role of Self-Awareness after Infidelity | 00:19:53 | |
Taking responsibility is a message we hear more and more, but where do we start? In this episode, I look at some of the methods I have used personally to improve my own self-awareness and what the true benefits of each are. Also included is a short but effective grounding exercise you can use today (Just not whilst you are driving!) To learn more about me and how I can help, visit www.lifecoachluke.com or reach out to me directly at luke@lifecoachluke.com
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| 18 Dec 2024 | 117. Dealing With The Online Comments Section After Infidelity | 00:13:03 | |
The internet can feel like a war zone when you’re looking for answers after betrayal. Whether you’re the betrayed partner or the unfaithful one, scrolling through the comment section can quickly amplify your fears, doubts, and pain. But here’s the truth: those comments don’t define you. They reflect someone else’s pain, biases, and experiences, not your reality. In this episode, we explore:
If you’ve ever felt overwhelmed, judged, or shattered by what strangers have said online, this episode will help you step back, tune out the noise, and refocus on your healing journey. Key Takeaways:
Reflective Question: Before you scroll, ask yourself: Is this serving my healing, or is it making it harder? If this episode resonated with you, share it with someone who might need to hear it. And if you’ve found healthier ways to navigate online negativity, let us know—we’re in this together. Connect with Luke:
Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity | |||
| 25 Sep 2024 | 105. The Shock of a Same-Sex Affair: Healing After an Unexpected Betrayal | 00:15:52 | |
In this powerful episode of After the Affair, host Luke Shillings delves into a deeply nuanced and often overlooked aspect of infidelity: same-sex affairs within long-term marriages. Inspired by a listener’s courageous story, Luke explores the unique layers of shock, pain, and confusion that arise when a spouse’s betrayal involves a partner of the same sex. He discusses:
Whether you’re personally experiencing this kind of betrayal or seeking to understand it better, this episode offers insights and compassion for navigating an incredibly difficult and complex journey. Key Topics Discussed:
Reflective Question: How do you begin to rebuild trust and identity when a betrayal challenges everything you thought you knew about your relationship? Connect with Luke Shillings:
Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity | |||
| 19 Jun 2024 | 91. What Are Your Beliefs Costing You? | 00:21:27 | |
In this episode of 'After the Affair,' join me, your host Luke Shillings as I discover how limiting beliefs can keep you stuck in negative patterns and how shifting your mindset can open up new possibilities for growth and recovery. Whether it’s about self-worth, trust, or what you think you deserve in love, your beliefs shape your reality in powerful ways. Learn practical steps to challenge and change these beliefs to create a more empowered and fulfilling life. Key Topics Covered:
Special Mention: Thank you to everyone who has joined our Facebook group! Your engagement and support are incredible. If you haven’t joined yet, search for 'After the Affair Community' on Facebook and become part of our community. You can join here -> https://www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity
Subscribe & Follow: Don’t forget to subscribe to 'After the Affair' on your favourite podcast platform and follow us on social media for more insights and support. Listener Interaction: We love hearing from you! Share your thoughts, questions, and stories with us at luke@lifecoachluke.com or in our Facebook group. (@mylifecoachluke) There is also a ton of useful tips on my Instagram page - www.instagram.com/mylifecoachluke
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| 26 Jun 2024 | 92. When Apologies Don't Cut It After Infidelity: Moving Beyond Dependency | 00:16:28 | |
Welcome to another insightful episode of 'After the Affair' with your host, Luke Shillings. In this episode, we delve into a common struggle faced by many betrayed partners – the belief that their healing is tied to their spouse’s actions. Whether it's waiting for an apology, seeking explanations, or hoping for changes in behaviour, many feel stuck in a cycle of dependency. Luke explores why these beliefs take such a stronghold and how they can keep you trapped in a state of emotional limbo. More importantly, he provides actionable steps to shift your focus towards self-empowerment, allowing you to reclaim your power and take charge of your healing journey.
Key Topics Discussed:
Listener Takeaways:
Found this episode helpful? If you found this episode helpful, please share it with others who might benefit. Remember, your healing journey is yours to navigate, and you have the strength to move beyond dependency. Stay connected with us for more resources and support on our website After the Affair and follow our podcast for updates on new episodes. Connect with Luke Shillings:
Thank you for listening to 'After the Affair.' Your journey to healing is a testament to your strength and resilience. Stay empowered, and take care of yourself. See you next time! | |||
| 06 Dec 2023 | 63. What if it was me? Self-Reflection in the Wake of Betrayal | 00:21:05 | |
Join me Luke Shillings in this thought-provoking episode of 'After the Affair', titled "What If It Was Me? Self-Reflection in the Wake of Betrayal." This episode delves deep into the introspective journey of understanding your own role in relationship dynamics, especially in the context of infidelity and betrayal. In this episode, we explore the challenging yet essential process of self-reflection following an affair. Join me as I guide listeners through a series of insightful discussions and personal stories, focusing on how individuals can learn and grow from their experiences in relationships marked by infidelity. Discover the importance of self-awareness, communication, and personal growth post-betrayal. Learn how to approach introspection with compassion and how it can lead to profound personal development and stronger future relationships. Tune in to this compelling episode of 'After the Affair' and embark on a journey of self-discovery and healing. Don't forget to subscribe for more insightful episodes on navigating the complexities of relationships and personal growth.
Learn more: www.lifecoachluke.com Contact me: luke@lifecoachluke.com Join the weekly mailing list here: www.lifecoachluke.com/subscribe
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| 24 Apr 2024 | 83. Contemplating Infidelity: The Weight of Unseen Thoughts in Relationships | 00:21:39 | |
In this introspective episode of "After the Affair," join me Luke Shillings as I take a closer look at the impact of our innermost thoughts on our relationships, especially in the context of infidelity. "Contemplating Infidelity" explores not just the actions that betray trust but the unseen thoughts that precede them. I examine the moral and emotional weight these thoughts carry, their influence on our relationships, and how understanding them can lead to deeper connection and healing. In This Episode, You Will Learn:
If today's topic resonated with you, consider sharing your thoughts with us through our social media channels or directly via email luke@lifecoachluke.com If you're navigating similar challenges in your relationships, remember, you're not alone, and discussing these thoughts is the first step toward reshaping them. Schedule your free discovery call here -> www.lifecoachluke.com Subscribe & Review: If you enjoyed this episode, please subscribe at www.lifecoachluke.com/subscribe and leave a review on whichever podcast platform you are listening on. Your feedback not only helps us improve but also helps others find us. | |||
| 16 Apr 2025 | 134. Betrayed and Ready to Give Up? Listen to this First | 00:15:11 | |
There are moments when it all feels like too much, when the pain of betrayal, the weight of healing, or the sheer exhaustion of trying to hold it together leaves you questioning your strength. In those moments, the most important decision you can make is not to fight harder, or fix everything, or know exactly what to do. The most important decision is to not abandon yourself. In this episode, Luke offers a deeply grounded reminder: You don’t have to be fully healed to keep going. You don’t need all the answers to stay. But you do need to stay in the room with yourself. This is your invitation to light a candle in the dark, to choose presence over escape, and to remember, you are worth not giving up on. 🔑 Key Takeaways:✔️ Why our instinct is to check out or overfunction when things get hard ✔️ The lie pain tells us about our worth and capacity ✔️ What it actually means to “stay in the room” with yourself ✔️ How small acts of self-loyalty build resilience and self-trust ✔️ A grounding metaphor to carry with you in your lowest moments 💬 Reflection Question: What’s one small way you can stay with yourself today, especially if you feel like giving up? Connect with Luke:
Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity | |||
| 04 Jan 2023 | 15.The Motivational Triad | 00:14:24 | |
Happy New Year! Let's make 2023 the turning point in your recovery.
Today's episode is all about the Motivational Triad. This is the human need to;
- Seek pleasure - Avoid pain - Expend the least energy
This shows up in our lives daily and it makes perfect sense from an evolutionary perspective, but in today's world where food and material items are in abundance ... it often leads us to behave in ways that no longer serve us. Listen to learn more!
If you've been listening for a while, now is the perfect time to change your destiny - learn to rebuild trust, make intentional decision in your life and relationships and really become the intentional author of your own story. Let's go!! Let's talk - >> click here | |||
| 02 Aug 2023 | 45. Affair Partners - The bad smell that just won’t leave | 00:20:49 | |
Stuck with the stench of your ex's lover? In this controversial episode of 'After the Affair,' I dive into the dirty laundry and explore how to cleanse your life of the lingering presence of the affair partner. Join me, Luke Shillings, as I share my story, tools and strategies to air out the fallout and reclaim your space, your peace, and your life.
Let's go! Website: https://www.lifecoachluke.com Contact: luke@lifecoachluke.com
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| 06 Nov 2024 | 111. It’s Over, But I’m Still Stuck: The Ghosts of Infidelity That Won’t Go Away (3/3) | 00:14:21 | |
In the final part of our mini-series, we talk about something that many people don’t expect, how the imbalances created by infidelity can linger long after the relationship ends. Whether it’s guilt, shame, anger, or resentment, the emotional aftermath of infidelity doesn’t always disappear when the papers are signed, and the relationship is officially over. We’ll explore how the ‘ghost’ of the broken relationship continues to show up in your life, influencing how you see yourself, how you approach future relationships, and how you navigate lingering feelings from the past. Key Topics Covered:
Reflective Question: What part of the past relationship is still haunting you? How can you begin to let go and create space for your future? Connect with Luke:
Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity | |||
| 28 Aug 2024 | 101. Afraid to Be Seen? The Hard Truth About Validation and Betrayal | 00:24:07 | |
Welcome to another episode of 'After the Affair' with your host, Luke Shillings. In this episode, titled "Afraid to Be Seen? The Hard Truth About Validation and Betrayal," we tackle the uncomfortable truths that many of us face in the wake of infidelity and betrayal. This episode dives deep into the insecurities that often lie beneath the surface, those parts of us that crave external validation, fear rejection, and struggle with identity. Luke explores how early experiences shape our self-worth, how our identities become tied to how others perceive us, and what happens when those perceptions are shattered by betrayal. If you’ve ever felt like you need to look perfect, act strong, or earn love to feel worthy, this episode is for you. We’ll discuss the crossroads where change becomes possible and how to move forward to reclaim your true self-worth, independent of others’ approval. Key Topics Discussed:
Listener Takeaways:
Reflective Question: What would it look like for you to build a sense of self-worth that isn’t dependent on external validation? Connect with Luke Shillings:
Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity
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| 08 Feb 2023 | 20. How to handle any problem. | 00:17:35 | |
Learn how I handle any problem, and how you can do the same. To find out more, grab a drink and pop your headphones on! To subscribe to my weekly mailing list, visit - www.lifecoachluke.com/subscribe and if you haven't already, get my FREE first steps guide today by visiting www.lifecoachluke.com | |||
| 14 Dec 2022 | 13. Know Your Boundaries | 00:15:21 | |
What boundaries do you have in your relationships? Have you ever intentionally set a boundary? What is expected of other people who infringe on your emotional boundaries? Find out the answers to these questions and many more in today's episode.
I love to hear all of your questions that come to mind when you are listening to the episodes, let me know what comes up for you. Leave a comment, send an email or reach out on social media. Website: www.lifecoachluke.com Facebook: www.facebook.com/mylifecoachluke Instagram: www.instagram.com/mylifecoachluke LinkedIn: www.linkedin.com/in/mylifecoachluke
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| 15 Jan 2025 | 121. Healing in the Aftermath: A Couple’s Journey Through Infidelity | 00:59:02 | |
In this heartfelt episode, we sit down with “Alan” and “Ann” (pseudonyms to protect their privacy) as they candidly share their ongoing journey of healing after infidelity in their 39-year marriage. Their story highlights the complexity of betrayal, the challenges of rebuilding trust, and the resilience required to hold space for one another amidst profound pain. We delve into:
This conversation is a powerful reminder that healing is rarely linear, but with vulnerability, honesty, and effort, it is possible to rebuild and redefine a relationship. Reflective Question: What role does communication play in your healing journey, and how can you create space for both honesty and grace? Connect with Luke:
Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity | |||
| 22 Feb 2023 | 22. The Blame Shame Game | 00:13:54 | |
Healing from an affair is complicated. One often overlooked part of the healing process is understanding the effects that blame and shame have recovery. They are closely intertwined and in todays episode I explain why, and offer tips on how to overcome it.
Join the weekly mailing list - www.lifecoachluke.com/subscribe Reach out directly to me at: luke@lifecoachluke.com | |||
| 08 Nov 2023 | 59. Trust After Betrayal: Is There Hope? | 00:26:27 | |
Explore the complex journey of rebuilding trust after the pain of infidelity in this insightful episode of 'After the Affair'. Join Luke Shillings, a dedicated relationship coach and podcast host, as he delves into one of the most challenging questions faced by those who have experienced betrayal: Can trust truly be restored? In "Trust After Betrayal: Is There Hope?", Join me as I provide not only a compassionate look into the emotional upheaval following infidelity but also share out-of-the-box examples and practical guidance for those seeking to mend the fractures in their relationships. This second episode focused specifically on Trust, offers a beacon of hope to individuals questioning the possibility of regaining trust and security in their partnerships. Listeners will be equipped with actionable tools and transformative concepts that aid in self-reflection and trust-building. Whether you are directly affected by betrayal or supporting someone through their journey, this episode serves as a crucial resource for understanding the nuanced healing process and the potential for forging stronger bonds in the wake of adversity. Tune in to find out how to navigate the nuances of trust after betrayal and learn if there's a light at the end of this tunnel. Looking for the link to the Trust Quiz mentioned in this week's episode - Here it is, enjoy! www.lifecoachluke.com/trustscore
Have any questions or suggestions for a future episode? Perhaps you think you would be a great guest ... contact me directly at luke@lifecoachluke.com
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| 22 Nov 2023 | 61. Once a Cheater: Possibly a Keeper? | 00:18:46 | |
"Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater?" Join me Luke Shillings as I challenge this oversimplified notion, bringing a nuanced perspective to the complex issue of infidelity and personal transformation. We begin by examining the human tendency to overgeneralise based on singular events to illustrate how our perceptions of likelihood and recurrence are often skewed. This sets the stage for an in-depth exploration of the multifaceted nature of cheating. I break down the myth, questioning the fairness and accuracy of labelling someone for life based on one action. What about the psychological underpinnings of infidelity? How do unmet emotional needs, past experiences, and situational factors contribute to the decision to cheat. Can we turn the narrative on its head, presenting infidelity as an anomaly rather than a norm? I invite you to reflect on the nuances of your situation. Is infidelity in your relationship an anomaly or a norm? What does the path to healing and trust rebuilding look like for you? This episode is not just a discussion but an invitation to introspection and understanding the potential for growth in the wake of betrayal. Join us on 'After the Affair' as we navigate the complexities of infidelity, challenge prevailing myths, and offer a beacon of hope for those seeking to rebuild trust and find healing after heartbreak. Join the mailing list: www.lifecoachluke.com/subscribe Contact me directly: luke@lifecoachluke.com Everything else: www.lifecoachluke.com
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| 17 Jul 2024 | 95. Healing from Betrayal Using Internal Family Systems (IFS) | 00:22:31 | |
Welcome to another episode of 'After the Affair' with your host, Luke Shillings. In this episode, titled "Healing from Betrayal Using Internal Family Systems (IFS)," we explore how the therapeutic approach of IFS can help both betrayed and unfaithful partners understand and heal from the pain of infidelity. Join Luke as he delves into the concept of internal parts, how they influence our emotions and behaviours, and practical steps to foster self-compassion and personal growth. Key Topics Discussed:
Listener Takeaways:
Reflective Questions:
Resources Mentioned:
Connect with Luke Shillings:
Disclaimer: The content of this podcast is for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional advice. Always seek the guidance of a qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding IFS. | |||
| 03 Oct 2022 | 2. Letting Go | 00:18:24 | |
In this episode I am exploring the concept of letting go of the outcome. This is an important part of the healing process from infidelity. When your partner has cheated, it is challenging to not want to look into the future and attempt to predict it. This is often not as useful as you might think. I also talk about some useful steps to help you begin the process of letting go after the affair. | |||
| 11 Jan 2023 | 16. Best way to Heal | 00:15:32 | |
There are lots of ways people choose or recommend as the way to heal from betrayal but that raises a question ... Is there a 'Best way to heal' from infidelity? Listen to find out. Website: www.lifecoachluke.com Facebook: www.facebook.com/mylifecoachluke Instagram: www.instagram.com/mylifecoachluke LinkedIn: www.linkedin.com/in/mylifecoachluke | |||
| 24 Jan 2024 | 70. The 3rd Law of Conflict: Can Isaac Newton Help us Heal? | 00:17:29 | |
In this thought-provoking episode of 'After the Affair,' host Luke Shillings delves into the surprising parallels between Isaac Newton's Third Law of Motion and conflict dynamics in relationships. Entitled 'The 3rd Law of Conflict: Can Isaac Newton Help us Heal?', this episode explores the concept that every action in a relationship, especially during conflicts, tends to invoke an equal and opposite reaction. As a seasoned relationship coach specialising in infidelity recovery, I examine how the principles of physics can shed light on why disagreements often escalate and how understanding this can pave the way for more constructive communication and conflict resolution. Drawing on my personal experiences and professional insights, I discuss how the 'push and pull' in heated arguments mirrors Newton's famous law, leading to a stalemate rather than progress. This episode is not just about relationship advice; it's a deep dive into human psychology and behaviour. I also touch upon the idea that relationships are fundamentally about one's thoughts about another person, adding a unique angle to the discussion. Whether you're navigating the aftermath of infidelity, looking to improve your relationship dynamics, or simply intrigued by the intersection of physics and human relationships, this episode offers valuable perspectives. Join me as I guide you through these complex dynamics with insightful tips, out-of-the-box thinking, and practical advice for healing and personal growth. Website: www.lifecoachluke.com Contact me: luke@lifecoachluke.com
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| 16 Oct 2024 | 108. Is Your Relationship Due for an Update? | 00:15:41 | |
In this episode of After the Affair, Luke Shillings explores how relationships, like technology, need regular updates to stay in sync. Just like your phone’s apps and software need upgrades to keep functioning smoothly, relationships also require personal growth and communication to thrive over time. If you and your partner aren’t growing together, you risk falling out of sync, feeling disconnected, and losing that emotional intimacy. Luke discusses why relationships tend to slow down or feel “glitchy” when one person grows and the other doesn’t, and how personal growth is the key to getting back on track. He emphasises the importance of open communication, self-awareness, and adaptability in keeping your relationship feeling fresh, connected, and strong. Key Topics Covered:
Reflective Question: Have you noticed your relationship feeling out of sync lately? What’s one personal or relationship “update” you can focus on this week to get things back on track?
If your relationship feels stuck, it might be time for an emotional update. Tune in to learn how personal growth and communication can help you reconnect and stay in sync, no matter what stage of your relationship you're in. Connect with Luke:
Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity | |||
| 22 Mar 2023 | 26. Secrets of an Infidelity Coach | 00:20:46 | |
In this week's episode, I delve into the secrets of being an infidelity coach and how I help couples and individuals navigate the aftermath of betrayal. From rebuilding trust to addressing the root causes of the infidelity, I share insights on how to heal and move forward in a healthy way. Plus I also answer questions about the biggest myths of infidelity and what has suprised me most along the way! Email me at luke@lifecoachluke.com Receive the latest insights and tips to overcome infidelity by subscribing here - www.lifecoachluke.com/subscribe
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| 31 Jul 2024 | 97. Time to Choose: Infidelity and the Truth We Face | 00:15:44 | |
Welcome to another episode of 'After the Affair' with your host, Luke Shillings. In this episode, titled "Time to Choose: Infidelity and the Truth We Face," we discuss the impact that facing a finite timeline can have on our decisions and relationships, particularly in the context of infidelity. What happens when we're confronted with the reality of limited time? How do our priorities shift, and what truths come to light? Join Luke as he explores how the awareness of mortality can bring clarity to the complexities of infidelity, encouraging a renewed focus on authenticity, meaningful connections, and the choices that define our lives. Key Topics Discussed:
Listener Takeaways:
Reflective Question: How can the awareness of limited time inspire you to live more authentically and intentionally, especially in the context of your relationships?
If you found this episode insightful, please share it with others who might benefit. Stay connected with us for more resources and support on our website lifecoachluke.com and follow our podcast for updates on new episodes. Connect with Luke Shillings:
Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity | |||
| 26 Jul 2023 | 44. Redefining Masculinity with Jennifer Jehl | 00:41:28 | |
In this episode of After the Affair, I'm joined by Jennifer Jehl. Jenn helps men create next-level confidence by discovering their deepest selves in order to live with freedom & fulfilment. She addresses the self-blame that many men experience after an affair. We speak about the impact of significant life changes on their sense of identity as husbands, family men, and fathers. Jenn shares her insights on the need for men to be physically strong and healthy while emphasizing the importance of self-control and emotional intelligence. She highlights the detrimental effects of societal pressure and the lack of strong male role models in children's lives. We discuss the imbalance in personal lives that successful men often face and the importance of discovering a purpose and creating a new vision for life. She shares her journey of overcoming a toxic relationship, and how it led her to self-discovery and helping others. We also explore the idea of being dangerous but controlled and discuss the difficulties in defining this concept without proper guidance. Join us on this thought-provoking episode as we dive into the complexities of masculinity, emotional intelligence, and finding purpose after betrayal on After the Affair. To learn more about Jennifer and the work she does: LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/jennifer-jehl-7a0379211 Facebook: @jenniferdjehl https://www.facebook.com/jenniferdjehl Instagram: @jenn.jehl https://www.instagram.com/jenn.jehl/
To learn more about working with me visit: https://www.lifecoachluke.com Want to make a suggestion for a podcast episode? Or want to share your story? Email me directly at luke@lifecoachluke.com
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| 03 May 2023 | 32. Through the Lens of Negativity | 00:19:31 | |
When you have witnessed behaviour in your partner that you don't like, how regularly do you use that as a template to judge many of their future behaviours? This episode focuses on exploring the impact of negative thinking on our lives and relationships. I share a story of self-judgement and I examine the role of negativity in relationships and offer strategies for cultivating a more positive outlook. It also emphasizes the importance of self-awareness and self-care for personal growth and happiness.
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| 27 Sep 2023 | 53. Betrayed and Doomed - Spot the Signs and Know When to Walk | 00:25:34 | |
In this eye-opening episode of 'After the Affair,' join me Luke Shillings, as I identify the key elements of a Doomed Relationship ... What to look out for and what to do about it, plus the aching question, When is it time to walk away? I kick off by identifying the red flags that could signal a doomed relationship—warning signs that you can't afford to ignore. But understanding the symptoms is just the first step; I also peel back the layers of psychology that drive these problematic behaviors. From personal responsibility to cognitive dissonance, I unpack the mental and emotional mechanisms that can lead to a relationship’s downfall. The episode doesn't stop at identification and understanding; it offers actionable steps to take when faced with these red flags. Whether that involves professional help or personal reflection, you'll come away with concrete advice for navigating troubled waters. And finally, I tackle the heart-wrenching question: When is it time to walk away? Not all relationships can or should be saved. Sometimes, the most loving act is to let go. Learn how to recognise when that time has come, and what steps to take if it has. Don't miss this comprehensive guide to recognising, understanding, and addressing the signs of a relationship in jeopardy. If you're in a relationship or know someone who is, this episode is an essential listen. Enjoyed this episode? It'd be amazing if you could leave a review or rate the episode. Want to hear about something specific? Let me know ... reach out at luke@lifecoachluke.com Visit www.lifecoachluke.com to learn more about the On Purpose Coaching Program | |||
| 18 Jan 2023 | 17. It’s all Lies | 00:14:12 | |
Lies form a very real part of the world we live in. From the innocent white lies we tell our children, to the scandals in government, and everything in between. Do lies serve a real purpose? How do you want to think about the lies you have told? Join me in this week's episode to explore a variety of examples, get under the skin of why we lie and what we can do about it going forward. Enjoy!
If you're ready to figure out what you need to do next after infidelity, then schedule a completely free discovery call with me to help you decide.
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| 27 Dec 2023 | 66. Farewell 2023: A Year of Recovery, Resilience, and Reflection | 00:04:58 | |
Welcome to a Special Year-End Episode of 'After the Affair' Podcast Join me, Luke Shillings, as I embark on a reflective journey through 2023, revisiting key themes and episodes that have guided us in understanding infidelity, healing from betrayal, and building resilience. This episode not only serves as a powerful summary of the year but also offers encouragement and hope as we step into 2024. In This Episode:
Featured Episodes and Topics:
About Your Host, Luke Shillings: "Luke Shillings is a certified relationship coach specialising in infidelity recovery. This podcast, 'After the Affair,' draws on his personal experiences and professional expertise, offering a unique blend of advice, support, and real-life stories to help listeners navigate the complexities of relationships and personal growth." Connect with Me:
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| 25 Oct 2023 | 57. Between Culture & Infidelity - A Journey of Identity, Love and Self Discovery with Yasmin Majid | 01:00:51 | |
In this episode of "After the Affair," Join me Luke Shillings as I sit down with guest Yasmin Majid as she shares her powerful story of love, resilience, and personal growth. Yasmin discusses her experience navigating a multicultural upbringing, her marriage of 23 years, and the unexpected revelations that led to its end. She opens up about the lessons she learned from her divorce, her journey of healing from domestic abuse, and her pursuit of self-improvement. Join Luke and Yasmin as they delve into the importance of unconditional love, understanding, and reframing setbacks as opportunities for personal transformation. Find Yasmin at https://www.instagram.com/wellbeingwithyasmin/ Contact her directly: wellbeingwithyasmin@gmail.com Learn more about working with me at www.lifecoachluke.com Learn your Trust score now at www.lifecoachluke.com/trust
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| 12 Oct 2022 | 4. The Truth | 00:14:39 | |
Truth, True and Fact ... are these the same things? In today's episode I'll explore my thoughts around how they affect the experiences we have within our relationships. The image I refer to in the show is this one (I take no credit for the production or creation of this image)
To contact me and discuss any of the topics within the show or to ask a question that I can answer in a future show... Website: www.lifecoachluke.com Facebook: www.facebook.com/mylifecoachluke Instagram: www.instagram.com/mylifecoachluke Send me a message on your preferred platform and lets talk. | |||
| 12 Jun 2024 | 90. The Neuroscience of Trust and Betrayal | 00:21:21 | |
In this episode of 'After the Affair,' host Luke Shillings takes a deep dive into the neuroscience behind trust and betrayal. Understanding these processes can be crucial in healing from infidelity and building stronger relationships. Join us as we explore how our brains process trust, the impact of betrayal, and practical strategies to foster healing and resilience. Key Topics Covered:
Special Mention: A big thank you to everyone who has joined our Facebook group! Your participation and support are invaluable. If you haven’t joined yet, search for 'After the Affair Community' on Facebook and become part of our community. or you can join here -> www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity
Subscribe & Follow: Don’t forget to subscribe to 'After the Affair' on your favourite podcast platform and follow us on social media for more insights and support.
Learn more at www.lifecoachluke.com Join me over on IG at @mylifecoachluke www.instagram.com/mylifecoachluke
Listener Interaction: We love hearing from you!
Share your thoughts, questions, and stories with us at luke@lifecoachluke.com or in our Facebook group. | |||
| 26 Feb 2025 | 127. Desire vs. Choice: Understanding the Power You Have in an Affair | 00:14:10 | |
Desire can feel overwhelming, especially when you’re caught up in an affair or emotional connection outside your primary relationship. It can seem like the attraction is uncontrollable like you have no say in what you feel. But what if I told you that while desire may not be a choice, what you do with it always is? In this episode, we’re diving deep into the relationship between desire and choice. Whether you're struggling with an affair or facing unrequited love, this episode is all about regaining control. We’ll explore how to acknowledge your emotions without letting them define your actions, and how to make decisions that align with your values, not just your feelings. Key Takeaways:✔️ Desire is instinctive, but choice is always in your hands. ✔️ Why people in affairs or toxic relationships often feel like they have no control—and how to reclaim it. ✔️ The emotional brain vs. the rational brain: Why attraction and action aren’t the same thing. ✔️ How to separate what you feel from what you do, and why it matters for your future. ✔️ Steps to take back control of your relationships, values, and actions moving forward. 💬 Question for you: How have you navigated feelings of desire in your relationships? How did you handle the balance between attraction and choice? Drop a comment or reach out, let's talk! Connect with Luke:
Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity | |||
| 20 Sep 2023 | 52. Ignoring Red Flags - The Guilt of Not Acting Sooner | 00:17:17 | |
Are you carrying the heavy burden of guilt after discovering your partner's affair, wondering why you didn't act sooner on those red flags? In this eye-opening episode, I look into the emotional turmoil known as 'Inaction Guilt,' dispelling the myth that you're to blame for their betrayal. Learn how to navigate these complicated feelings and why it's crucial to free yourself from the guilt trap for a healthier emotional future. To learn more about working with me: Visit: www.lifecoachluke.com Contact me directly: luke@lifecoachluke.com Follow me on Social media: Instagram: www.instagram.com/mylifecoachluke LinkedIn: www.linkedin.com/in/mylifecoachluke
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| 29 Nov 2023 | 62. Overcoming Thought Addiction after Betrayal | 00:22:54 | |
In this enlightening episode of "After the Affair," Join me Luke Shillings as I talk about 'Thought Addiction', something that many individuals face post-betrayal. Discover how repetitive, negative thought patterns can take hold and how you can break free from this mental trap to find healing and empowerment. Join me as I explore the thinking behind why betrayed partners might experience obsessive thoughts like "Why did this happen to me?" or "I am not good enough," and how these thoughts impact the healing process. Whether you're struggling to move past the hurt of betrayal or seeking to support someone in their journey, this episode offers a compassionate, in-depth look at the mental aftermath of infidelity. Gain practical tips and empowering perspectives that can help you navigate through the complexities of rebuilding trust in yourself and envisioning a positive future. Tune in to "After the Affair" for an episode that promises to be both informative and transformative, shedding light on a crucial aspect of recovery that is often overlooked.
Subscribe today and join us on this journey of healing, understanding, and personal resilience.
Website: www.lifecoachluke.com Join the mailing list: www.lifecoachluke.com/subscribe Contact me: luke@lifecoachluke.com
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| 15 May 2024 | 86. Why Affairs Don't Last | 00:21:02 | |
Why don't affairs last? Drawing on both research and personal experiences, join me, Luke Shillings as I discuss the psychological, emotional, and social factors that contribute to the inherent instability of relationships that begin as affairs. Allow me to unpack the foundations of trust, the escape mechanism, emotional tolls, and the broader impacts of secrecy and isolation that define and often doom such relationships. What You'll Learn:
Episode Resources:
Subscribe & Share: If you found this episode enlightening or think it could help someone you know, don't hesitate to subscribe for more deep dives into relationship dynamics and share this episode with others. Your support helps us reach and help more people through tough times. Connect with Me:
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| 13 Dec 2023 | 64. Benefits of Healing from Infidelity | 00:24:29 | |
We begin by exploring the importance of recognizing what's within our control and what isn't. This crucial step sets the foundation for healing, helping us to focus our energy where it can truly make a difference. Join me, Luke Shillings, as I delve into the transformative journey of healing from infidelity and the ways in which my healing helped me in other areas. Drawing from my personal experience, I unravel the complexities of this challenging yet rewarding path. I share the power of journaling—a tool that not only served as a vessel for my thoughts and emotions but also as a mirror reflecting my inner world. Through journaling, I discovered the intricate connections between thoughts, feelings, and behaviours. I share insights on finding the right resources—a blend of personal support and professional guidance—that can act as beacons of light in our darkest times. An essential part of this journey is understanding that our thoughts create our feelings. This episode breaks down this concept with simplicity and clarity, providing practical steps to harness this understanding for emotional healing. I also take you through my process of exploring and accepting emotions, a path that led me to profound self-awareness and growth. To bring these concepts to life, I include relatable analogies and a personal anecdote, illustrating how the methods I used in recovering from infidelity also empowered me in another significant area of my life. Join me in this episode of 'After the Affair' as we navigate the path of healing from infidelity, finding strength, and rediscovering ourselves in the process. This episode isn’t just about recovering from betrayal; it's about emerging stronger, more aware, and more connected with our true selves.
Website: www.lifecoachluke.com Contact me: luke@lifecoachluke.com Join the mailing list: www.lifecoachluke.com/subscribe | |||
| 06 Sep 2023 | 50. Dating After the Affair | 00:32:53 | |
In this 50th episode of "After the Affair," I take a look at the complexities of reentering the dating scene after experiencing betrayal. It's uncharted territory for many, laden with emotional landmines and haunting questions about trust. But as your host, Luke Shillings, I'll guide you through this daunting yet crucial phase in your healing journey. We kick off the episode by exploring how to navigate the world of dating with a fresh perspective on trust, urging you to exercise your "trust muscle" without the burden of past relationships. We then discuss the often overlooked but vital aspect of timing, outlining how you can recognize when you're truly ready to seek a new partner without rushing the healing process. Lastly, I equip you with the toolkit you need to identify red flags and establish clear boundaries in your future relationships. If you're struggling with the question of 'when' and 'how' to start dating after betrayal, this episode is your bootcamp guide to finding love again, but more importantly, rediscovering the love you have for yourself. Join me in this milestone episode as we unlock the strategies to rebuild trust, set healthy boundaries, and ultimately, prepare you for a fulfilling, respectful relationship in the future. Want to learn more about how I can help? Visit www.lifecoachluke.com or contact me directly at luke@lifecoachluke.com
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| 29 May 2024 | 88. Hysterical Bonding: Navigating Intense Emotions After Infidelity | 00:16:31 | |
In this insightful episode of "After the Affair," host Luke Shillings delves into the complex phenomenon of hysterical bonding that often follows infidelity. Discover what hysterical bonding is, how common it is, and the differences between healthy and unhealthy forms. Learn practical strategies to manage this intense emotional response and ensure it doesn't cause further damage to your relationship. Join Luke as he explores these crucial aspects and provides actionable advice for couples navigating the aftermath of betrayal. Show Notes: Episode Highlights:
Key Takeaways:
Engage with Us:
Subscribe & Review:
Join the After the Affair Community at https://www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity Contact:
"Thank you for joining me on this episode of 'After the Affair.' Remember, understanding and addressing hysterical bonding is a crucial step towards healing and rebuilding a stronger, healthier relationship. Until next time, take care and stay strong." Luke | |||
| 03 Jul 2024 | 93. The Stories We Tell Ourselves: The Symbolism of Betrayal | 00:21:17 | |
Discover how the pain of betrayal often extends beyond the physical act, touching on what the affair represented rather than the individual affair partner. In this episode, Luke explores the emotional dynamics from both the betrayed and unfaithful spouse's perspectives, offering insights into how these narratives can be challenged and transformed for healing and growth. Key Points Discussed:
Resources Mentioned:
If you found this episode insightful, please share it with anyone who might benefit from understanding the deeper emotional layers of infidelity. For more support and resources, visit www.lifecoachluke.com or reach out through Facebook or Instagram. www.facebook.com/mylifecoachluke www.instagram.com/mylifecoachluke
Join the After the Affair Community - www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity
Healing from infidelity is a journey, and you don't have to go through it alone. Join us for more episodes where we continue to explore the complexities of relationships and recovery. Until next time, take care and stay strong. | |||
| 19 Jul 2023 | 43. Solitude - Working alone, Healing together | 00:13:00 | |
In this week's episode, I look into the intricate ways people process emotions, influenced by their unique experiences, upbringing, and societal expectations. Emphasizing the common patterns of emotional avoidance and the search for external validation, I dissect these methods, illustrating how they prevent genuine emotional processing and prevent us from getting what we want. Considering some of my own experiences, such as bankruptcy, divorce, and health crises, to underscore the importance of solitude in the self-healing process. Solitude fosters a safe environment for self-reflection, enabling us to face difficult emotions, understand our desires and fears, and initiate meaningful internal dialogue. Embrace the transformative power of solitude. No matter the adversity you face, remember, you are not alone. Stay strong, lean into solitude, and keep moving forward towards healing and self-discovery.
Find out more at www.lifecoachluke.com Contact me directly at luke@lifecoachluke.com
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| 23 Oct 2024 | 109. You Cheated, So Why Am I the One Fixing Things? (1/3) | 00:12:39 | |
In this episode of After the Affair, we dive into a frustrating dynamic that many betrayed partners face after infidelity, the unfair expectation that they should be the ones to fix the relationship. You didn’t break it, so why is it your job to pick up the pieces? We’ll explore the imbalance that happens when the betrayed partner is left carrying the emotional weight, expected to forgive and move forward while the unfaithful partner seems off the hook. This episode is the first part of a three-part mini-series where we’re exploring the imbalance that often lingers after infidelity, both in relationships that stay together and in those that don’t. Key Topics Covered:
Reflective Question: Are you taking on more than your fair share of responsibility for fixing the relationship? How can you reclaim balance? Next Episode Teaser: In the next episode, we’ll flip the script and look at the other side, what happens when the unfaithful partner is doing everything right, but the betrayed partner remains closed off. We’ll explore why this imbalance can be just as difficult to navigate. Connect with Luke:
Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity | |||
| 02 Oct 2024 | 106. Why Men Can’t Win: And Why Women Need to Hear This | 00:22:19 | |
In this episode of After the Affair, host Luke Shillings tackles a frustration many men experience but rarely talk about, the feeling that no matter what they do, they just can't "win" in relationships. Why do so many men feel like they’re failing with their partner? And why is this something that women need to understand too? Luke dives into the core reasons behind this feeling, discussing:
Whether you're a man who feels like you're constantly falling short in your relationship or a woman wanting to understand what’s going on behind the scenes, this episode is for you. Luke not only explores why men feel like they can’t win but also offers insights into how both partners can work together to shift the dynamic and find balance. Key Topics Discussed:
Reflective Question: Men, have you ever felt like you’re doing everything you can, but it’s never enough? Women, have you noticed this dynamic in your own relationship? If you’ve ever felt like you can’t "win" in your relationship or want to understand your partner better, this episode is for you. Share it with someone who might benefit from hearing this conversation. Connect with Luke Shillings:
Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity | |||
| 19 Feb 2025 | 126. Betrayal and The Male Ego: Rebuilding After the Ultimate Blow | 00:14:10 | |
Betrayal isn’t just about broken trust, it’s about identity. For many men, their sense of self is built on strength, control, and loyalty. But when infidelity happens, it doesn’t just hurt, it threatens everything they thought they knew about themselves. In this episode, I explore the ego’s role in betrayal recovery, why the pain runs so deep, and how to shift from ego-driven reactions (anger, control, blame) to true healing. If you’ve ever felt like infidelity shattered who you are, this conversation is for you. Key Takeaways:✔️ The male ego and how it shapes our response to betrayal. ✔️ Why infidelity often feels like an identity crisis, not just a relationship issue. ✔️ How ego-driven reactions (denial, control, revenge) keep you stuck. ✔️ Shifting from What does this say about me? to Who do I choose to be now? ✔️ Rebuilding self-trust and moving beyond external validation. 💬 Question for you: How has betrayal challenged your sense of identity? Connect with Luke:
Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity | |||
| 30 Aug 2023 | 49. A Choice No One Talks About: Are you Volunteering to be a Victim? | 00:18:50 | |
In today's episode of 'After the Affair,' I uncover the often unspoken but pervasive issue that many betrayed partners grapple with: the Victim Mentality. Feeling like a victim is an easy trap to fall into after experiencing betrayal, but it's also a trap that can hinder your recovery and personal growth. Join me as I unravel: 1️⃣ The Danger of Victim Mentality: Understand how adopting a victim mindset can hold you back from healing and growing. 2️⃣ Empowerment through Narrative Control: Learn to reclaim your story, shifting your identity from a victim to a survivor, and possibly even a thriver. 3️⃣ Techniques to Overcome Victim Mentality: From challenging self-defeating thoughts to embracing the power of gratitude, discover actionable strategies that can significantly shift your mindset. 🔑 Key Insight: The episode centres around a provocative but liberating idea—"Being a victim is voluntary." While you didn't choose to be betrayed, you have a choice in how you approach your healing and future. Whether you're just beginning your recovery journey or looking to break free from lingering limitations, this episode offers a wealth of insights and practical takeaways that you can implement today. Let's unchain our minds and reclaim our lives, one step at a time.
Website: www.lifecoachluke.com Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com
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| 31 Jan 2024 | 71. Is Forgiveness Necessary? Can You Reconcile Without It? | 00:25:00 | |
In this insightful episode of "After the Affair," Join me Luke Shillings as I delve into the complex interplay between forgiveness and reconciliation in the aftermath of infidelity. Drawing from my personal journey and professional expertise as a relationship coach specialising in infidelity recovery, I explore whether forgiveness is an essential component for true reconciliation or if it's possible to find peace and understanding without it. Join me as we examine the nuances of rebuilding trust, the personal nature of forgiveness, and the various paths to healing and renewal post-betrayal. Whether you're navigating your own recovery process or supporting someone through theirs, this episode offers valuable perspectives on forgiveness, acceptance, and the transformative power of personal growth. Tune in to "Is Forgiveness Necessary? Can You Reconcile Without It?" for a deep dive into the heart of recovery and the potential for renewal in the wake of pain. Discover actionable insights and compassionate guidance for anyone seeking clarity and strength on their journey towards healing. Learn more: www.lifecoachluke.com Reach out to luke@lifecoachluke.com Subscribe for more at www.lifecoachluke.com/subscribe
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| 15 Nov 2023 | 60. Gaslighting an Affair? Take a look in the Mirror | 00:19:39 | |
Join me in this enlightening episode of "After the Affair, where I delve into the often-overlooked phenomenon of self-gaslighting following infidelity. Hosted by myself, relationship & infidelity recovery coach Luke Shillings, this episode explores the subtle yet profound ways individuals unknowingly gaslight themselves after experiencing betrayal in a relationship. Discover the insidious nature of self-gaslighting, where victims of infidelity question their own reality, emotions, and sanity. I'll draw from my personal journey and professional expertise in infidelity recovery, and provide insightful analysis and an empathetic understanding of this psychological predicament. Key highlights of this episode include:
Whether you're a betrayed partner seeking guidance, a relationship enthusiast, or simply interested in human psychology, "The Inner Betrayer: Gaslighting with a Mirror" offers a deep dive into understanding and healing from the internal conflicts post-betrayal. Tune in for an episode filled with compassion, wisdom, and empowering advice to navigate the complexities of infidelity recovery. Not taken the Trust-Score quiz yet? Get you free detailed report today. Find out more here -> www.lifecoachluke.com/trustscore
Want to share your story on a future episode? Have some useful insights from your own journey? Are you a professional who can offer an alternative insight? Let me know at luke@lifecoachluke.com
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| 04 Sep 2024 | 102. Doing the Work After the Affair | 00:17:50 | |
In this episode of 'After the Affair,' host Luke Shillings delves into the concept of "doing the work" in the aftermath of betrayal, particularly in the context of the self-help world. Often, we think of self-help as something we turn to only when something in our lives has gone wrong, a reactive measure rather than a proactive one. But the bigger question is, what does 'doing the work' even mean? Luke discusses the importance of committing to self-improvement not just in times of crisis but as a regular practice. He also reminds us of the first three lines of the self-coaching model: Circumstances, Thoughts, and Feelings, and explains how understanding these components can help us navigate the emotional landscape of betrayal and beyond. You can learn more about the self coaching model on Episode 20 - How to Handle any Problem ( https://www.lifecoachluke.com/podcast/episode/c20ef146/20-how-to-handle-any-problem ) Whether you’re currently dealing with the aftermath of infidelity or simply interested in how self-help can be integrated into your everyday life, this episode offers valuable insights into the power of "doing the work" before life throws its curveballs.
Key Topics Discussed:
Listener Takeaways:
Reflective Question: How can you start integrating self-help practices into your daily routine, not just when things go wrong but as a way to build ongoing resilience?
Call to Action: If this episode resonated with you, please share it with others who might benefit. Stay connected with us for more resources and support on our website After the Affair and follow our podcast for updates on new episodes. Connect with Luke Shillings:
Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity | |||
| 05 Jul 2023 | 41. The Aftermath - How to deal with Sudden Change | 00:12:12 | |
In the latest episode of "The After the Affair", join me as I navigate the treacherous waters of sudden change post-infidelity. This change can leave us feeling disoriented and desperate for control, but what if we changed our perspective? What if we chose to view this alteration not as a disastrous upheaval but as a challenging opportunity for personal growth and self-discovery? As I venture into these deep waters, I’ll discuss the importance of reframing mindset, and learning to accept change, rather than resisting it. Delve deeper into this topic with me as together we can explore how fighting change can only prolong the pain and delay the healing process. I’ll discuss and uncover various strategies to cope with this major shift in your personal life. From mindfulness to prioritizing self-care and reaching out to your support networks, learn practical and effective techniques to accept and embrace change. Listen in to discover how you can convert life's unexpected detours into transformative paths towards growth and recovery. Looking for someone to help you through this? The On Purpose coaching program is built to support your journey. Visit www.lifecoachluke.com to learn more. Have a question for me ... reach out and contact me directly at luke@lifecoachluke.com and ask me anything.
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| 11 Sep 2024 | 103. Why I Love Breaking the Rules of Infidelity: Societal Expectations Debunked | 00:28:13 | |
In this episode of After the Affair, host Luke Shillings takes a deep dive into the societal expectations surrounding infidelity and why many of them are not just wrong but harmful. He lists the top 34 most common Societal Expectation Statements and challenges each and every one! We often think of infidelity in black-and-white terms, assigning blame and passing judgement based on outdated norms and rigid stereotypes. But infidelity is far more complex than society tends to acknowledge. Luke unpacks the dangers of oversimplifying infidelity, the damaging effects of punitive mindsets, and why rigid gender norms don’t hold up in the real world. Through honest reflection, this episode challenges the idea that infidelity always has to end a relationship, and instead offers a more nuanced understanding of what it means to heal, rebuild, or move on. Whether you’ve been betrayed or were the one who was unfaithful, this episode will make you rethink what society says about infidelity and how it can impact your recovery. Key Topics Discussed: Why Black-and-White Thinking Is Harmful: Infidelity is often judged as entirely the fault of the unfaithful partner, ignoring relational dynamics and the complexity of the emotions involved. Gender Norms and Why They Don't Work: The stereotype that men cheat for sex and women cheat for emotional reasons misses the broader picture of human behaviour. The Punishment Trap: How shame, public humiliation, and the pressure to leave the relationship can hinder healing and growth, both for the betrayed and the unfaithful. Why Infidelity Doesn’t Have to Mean the End: Exploring the idea that, with the right support, some couples can rebuild trust and come out stronger on the other side. The Overlooked Forms of Infidelity: Emotional and digital infidelity often get ignored in societal discussions, but they can be just as damaging as physical cheating. Judgement vs. Understanding: Why casting judgement on the unfaithful partner doesn’t allow for personal growth or relationship repair, and how a restorative approach can offer more. Reflective Question: How have societal expectations shaped your response to infidelity? Have these expectations helped or hindered your healing process?
Connect with Luke Shillings:
Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity | |||
| 07 Aug 2024 | 98. Trickle Truth: The Pain of Gradual Disclosure in Infidelity | 00:14:39 | |
Welcome to another episode of 'After the Affair' with your host, Luke Shillings. In this episode, titled "Trickle Truth: The Pain of Gradual Disclosure in Infidelity," we'll explore the challenging and often painful experience of trickle truth, also known as "drip feeding" the truth or "gradual disclosure." This episode delves into why trickle truth happens, its impact on both the betrayed and unfaithful partners and the emotional complexities involved. Luke shares listener stories and provides compassionate insights into the struggles faced by both parties. Whether you're navigating the aftermath of infidelity or seeking to understand the dynamics of trickle truth, this episode offers validation and empathy. Key Topics Discussed:
Key Takeaways:
If you found this episode insightful, please share it with others who might benefit. Stay connected with us for more resources and support on our website lifecoachluke.com and follow our podcast for updates on new episodes. Connect with Luke Shillings:
Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity | |||
| 29 Jan 2025 | 123. Confirmation Bias: Are You Seeking What You Fear After Infidelity? | 00:11:12 | |
Do you ever feel like the evidence for your worst fears is everywhere? Whether it’s comments on social media or your own inner dialogue, it can feel impossible to escape the idea that you’ll never heal, your relationship is doomed, or you’re simply unworthy of love. But here’s the truth: what you’re experiencing isn’t reality, it’s confirmation bias. In this episode, we’re breaking down how confirmation bias works, how it keeps you stuck in cycles of fear and self-doubt, and most importantly, how to break free. You’ll learn practical steps to challenge fear-driven thoughts, see situations more clearly, and replace negativity with balanced perspectives that fuel growth and healing. If you’re tired of being trapped by your fears, this episode will show you how to take back control. Key Points & Takeaways:
This week, challenge yourself to catch one fear-driven thought and ask:
Share your experience with me in the After the Affair Community on Facebook, or message me on Instagram. Let’s work on breaking these patterns together.
Connect with Luke:
Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity | |||
| 21 Feb 2024 | 74. 8 Steps to Healing part 1: Laying the Foundations | 00:18:43 | |
In this first part of a two-episode series, I begin outlining the 8 steps I took to heal from betrayal and then dive deeper in to the first four crucial steps to recovery. With personal insights and practical advice, I aim to guide you through the process of gaining Clarity, establishing Belief, embracing Forgiveness, and fostering Growth. This episode is an essential listen for anyone navigating the aftermath of betrayal, offering a roadmap to understanding, healing, and ultimately, empowerment.
Join me as I not only draw from my professional expertise but also open up about my own journey and the wisdom I've gained along the way. I aim to offer a compassionate and insightful guide for anyone seeking to heal and grow from the pain of betrayal. Learn more at: www.lifecoachluke.com Subscribe here: www.lifecoachluke.com/subscribe Contact me: luke@lifecoachluke.com
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| 25 Jan 2023 | 18. Road to Forgiveness | 00:15:46 | |
The road to forgiveness is a challenging journey, but it is one well worth taking. There are many misconceptions that say we shouldn't let them off the hook, they should pay for their betrayal, and you should seek revenge at the earliest opportunity. In this episode, I'll look at what forgiveness is, common misconceptions, why you should forgive, learn if you are ready to forgive, and finally ... how to forgive.
Website: www.lifecoachluke.com Facebook: www.facebook.com/mylifecoachluke Instagram: www.instagram.com/mylifecoachluke LinkedIn: www.linkedin.com/in/mylifecoachluke | |||
| 03 Jan 2024 | 67. Facing Failure after Infidelity: Shifting the Narrative | 00:12:12 | |
In "Facing Failure after Infidelity: Shifting the Narrative," Join me Luke Shillings as I explore the transformative journey of redefining failure in relationships post-infidelity. This episode delves into the emotional stages of recovery, the power of effective communication, and turning painful experiences into opportunities for growth. I invite you to reframe your perspective on setbacks, embrace self-compassion, and find strength in your healing journey. Join me for an insightful exploration of resilience and renewal in the aftermath of betrayal.
www.lifecoachluke.com/subscribe
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| 02 Oct 2022 | 1. Consider This | 00:16:50 | |
Join me in this first episode to discover a little about me, but more importantly an exploration into my thoughts and insights into the world of infidelity. I talk about perception, and how what you experience may be different to your partners. All about relationships and what they really are. How you know you are doing ok after discovering an affair and some tips on what not to do. And finally, a lesser-known link between thoughts and feelings! | |||
| 19 Mar 2025 | 130. It’s TIME To Do Something Different After Betrayal | 00:15:11 | |
We all say we don’t want to waste time, yet most of us do, especially after infidelity. We get stuck in waiting: waiting for clarity, waiting for healing, waiting for someone else to change. But here’s the truth: time is the only resource you can’t get back. Imagine if every morning, you were given £1,440 to spend, but by midnight, anything left unused disappeared forever. Would you waste it? Would you ignore it? Would you give it away carelessly? That’s exactly how time works. You get 1,440 minutes a day, and whatever you don’t use with intention is gone forever. In this episode, we explore: ✔️ The currency of time, how we spend it, waste it, and give it away without realising it. ✔️ Why waiting is an illusion and how it keeps you stuck in post-infidelity limbo. ✔️ How to stop ‘saving’ time for later and start spending it wisely—right now. ✔️ The biggest mindset shift to reclaim control over your future. 💬 Question for you: What’s one way you’ve been wasting time that you’re ready to change? Connect with Luke:
Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity | |||
| 17 Jan 2024 | 69. Intimacy After Infidelity: Under the Sheets with Sex Expert, Lee-ann Cordingley | 00:55:45 | |
Slide under the covers with me in this eye-opening episode of 'After the Affair', where I get intimate with the intricacies of reigniting the spark after infidelity. I, Luke Shillings, team up with the ever-insightful sex guru, Lee-ann Cordingley, to untangle the sometimes knotty, always vital subject of rediscovering sexual chemistry following a betrayal. It's not just about getting back in the saddle; it's about enjoying the ride and finding deeper connections along the way. In "Intimacy After Infidelity: Under the Sheets with Sex Expert, Lee-ann Cordingley," we address the challenges and triumphs couples face in their journey towards sexual healing. Discover practical advice, psychological insights, and compassionate strategies to navigate the delicate balance between emotional healing and physical intimacy. Lee-ann brings her extensive knowledge in sexual psychology, providing listeners with a unique perspective on how to regain trust, foster emotional intimacy, and reignite passion in the bedroom. This episode is not just about the act of sex, but about understanding the deep emotional undercurrents that influence physical connections after an affair. Whether you're a betrayed partner seeking guidance or simply interested in the dynamics of relationships and sexuality, this episode offers valuable lessons in love, trust, and the art of intimate communication. Listen now to transform your understanding of intimacy and empower your journey towards a fulfilling sexual relationship after infidelity. Connect with Lee-ann: Website: www.leeanncordingley.co.uk/ LinkedIn: www.linkedin.com/in/leeanncordingley Instagram: www.instagram.com/leeanncordingley Threads: www.threads.net/@leeanncordingley TikTok: www.tiktok.com/@leeanncordingley
Connect with me:
Learn more at: www.lifecoachluke.com Contact me directly at: luke@lifecoachluke.com Follow me on the gram: www.instagram.com/mylifecoachluke
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| 01 Nov 2023 | 58. Why We Stray: Does Attachment Theory Explain the Unthinkable | 00:25:35 | |
In this episode of 'After the Affair,' Join me Luke Shillings as I delve into the profound connection between attachment styles and infidelity. Discover how being Anxiously Attached, Avoidantly Attached, or Fearful-Avoidant can influence the likelihood and aftermath of cheating in a relationship. Whether you're healing from betrayal or looking to safeguard your partnership, this episode offers invaluable insights tailored to your emotional makeup. Learn how to navigate recovery based on your attachment style and even how to prevent infidelity through self-awareness and targeted emotional strategies. Tune in for expert advice on creating a more secure, resilient relationship. Don't miss this essential guide to understanding the psychology of infidelity through the lens of attachment theory.
Website: www.lifecoachluke.com Facebook: www.facebook.com/mylifecoachluke Instagram: www.instagram.com/mylifecoachluke LinkedIn: www.linkedin.com/in/mylifecoachluke TikTok: @mylifecoachluke Discovery Call: www.lifecoachluke.com/booking-calendar/discovery-call Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com
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| 10 Jan 2024 | 68. Reward or Punishment: Rewriting Our Reward System After an Affair | 00:16:13 | |
Join me, Luke Shillings in this eye-opening episode of the After the Affair podcast. Dive deep into the complexities of how betrayal in relationships clashes with our inherent human reward system. This episode explores the psychological underpinnings of trust and the profound impact of its breach, drawing connections to our natural drive for rewards and aversion to discomfort. Discover why betrayal feels so intensely painful and learn how this relates to the fundamental workings of our brain's reward system, as previously discussed in the episode on The Motivational Triad. I aim to provide insightful analysis and empathetic understanding, making complex psychological concepts accessible and relevant to everyday experiences. The discussion then transitions into practical, actionable strategies for healing and rebuilding trust post-betrayal. Learn how to reorient your reward system, find internal sources of validation, and embrace new pathways to joy and fulfillment. The After the Affair podcast continues to offer supportive tips, innovative perspectives, and effective concepts for navigating the emotional terrain of infidelity recovery. Whether you're dealing with the aftermath of betrayal or simply interested in the psychological aspects of trust and reward, this episode is a must-listen. Tune in to begin your journey towards empowerment and healing in the wake of betrayal.
Find out more here: www.lifecoachluke.com Contact Luke directly here: luke@lifecoachluke.com Join the After the Affair mailing list: www.lifecoachluke.com/subscribe
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| 08 Jan 2025 | 120. Does Secrecy Breed Passion In An Affair? | 00:16:17 | |
What is it about an affair that feels so intoxicating? Is it the person, the connection, or is it something else entirely, like secrecy? In this episode, let’s dive into the psychology and physiology behind the passion that often accompanies infidelity. Discover how dopamine, adrenaline, and novelty create an addictive emotional cocktail, and why the thrill of secrecy can amplify feelings of desire. But here’s the real question: can that same spark be reignited in a long-term relationship without the secrecy? We explore:
Whether you’ve experienced an affair, are trying to rebuild your relationship, or simply want to understand how passion works, this episode offers insights and strategies for moving forward authentically. Reflective Question: What would it look like to bring curiosity and vulnerability into your relationship to rekindle the spark? Resources Mentioned:
Connect with Luke:
Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity | |||
| 02 Nov 2022 | 7. Don’t Mention the ’F’ Word | 00:16:20 | |
Feelings! It's all about feelings.
Feelings/emotions are the fuel for everything we do. In this episode you'll learn what feelings are, why they matter and most importantly... what to do with them! This episode is relevant to anyone with a brain! Not just those who have been through infidelity.
Want to work together? Let's talk ... book a completely free, no obligation chat with me right now - www.lifecoachluke.com/booking-calendar/discovery-call Want to learn more? Visit: Website: www.lifecoachluke.com Facebook: www.facebook.com/mylifecoachluke Instagram: www.instagram.com/mylifecoachluke
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| 02 Dec 2022 | 11. Rose Tinted Glassed or Not | 00:12:33 | |
We all see the world through a different lens. Sometimes it's easy to use the analogy of Rose-Tinted Glasses where you only see the positives, this would be great but is often not always the case!
This episode, along with next week's episode will look at the lists we have in our mind that act like a filter ... not dissimilar to Rose-Tinted Glasses. Enjoy!
Website: www.lifecoachluke.com Facebook: www.facebook.com/mylifecoachluke Instagram: www.instagram.com/mylifecoachluke LinkedIn: www.linkedin.com/en/mylifecoachluke | |||
| 05 Feb 2025 | 124. Advanced Guide to Thinking After Betrayal: The Bookshop and Publisher | 00:16:25 | |
What if you could curate your thoughts like a bookshop owner curates their shelves? In this episode of After the Affair, I explore the power of intentional thinking using the metaphor of a bookshop. Your thoughts, like books, fill the shelves of your mind, but not all of them deserve to be displayed prominently. Some belong in the archives, while others should be highlighted as bestsellers. We’ll talk about how to manage your mental library after betrayal, replacing self-defeating narratives with ones that support growth and healing. I’ll introduce you to two roles you play in your mental world: the Bookshop Owner and the Publisher, each with a critical role in shaping the way you process pain and move forward. If you’ve been stuck in repetitive, painful thoughts after betrayal, this episode will help you rethink the stories you’ve been telling yourself and show you how to start rewriting them. Key Takeaways:
Which of your current thoughts deserve to be on display, and which are taking up space without serving you? Join the Conversation:What thought have you been displaying prominently that you’d like to replace with something new? Share your reflections with me on social media or in the After the Affair community. Download your FREE bookshop guide to thinking here: https://api.leadconnectorhq.com/widget/form/uQxbaujnnELzSJFMgRLq Connect with Luke:
Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity | |||
| 24 Jul 2024 | 96. Why Being Right Is Destroying Your Relationship | 00:15:08 | |
Winning your next argument is the most important thing, right? Join Luke Shillings - Relationship and Infidelity Recovery Coach as he unpicks the psychological and emotional reasons behind our desire to be right in arguments, especially in the aftermath of betrayal. We explore how this need can create a zero-sum game in relationships, leading to increased resentment and conflict. Luke shares personal anecdotes and practical insights on how to move past this need, fostering better understanding and connection in relationships. Key Topics Discussed:
Listener Takeaways:
Reflective Question: How can you shift your focus from being right to truly understanding your partner’s perspective the next time a disagreement arises? Take some time to think about this and consider how it might change the dynamics of your relationships. Your help is really appreciated by others just like you: If you found this episode helpful, please share it with others who might benefit. Stay connected with us for more resources and support on our website lifecoachluke.com/podcast and follow our podcast for updates on new episodes. Connect with Luke Shillings:
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| 09 Oct 2024 | 107. Why Relationship Statistics Are Wrong About You | 00:10:44 | |
In this episode of After the Affair, Luke Shillings takes a deep dive into the topic of relationship statistics and why they don’t define you. While statistics can provide context, they don’t account for the unique dynamics, growth, and emotional complexities of each individual relationship. Luke explores the dangers of letting numbers dictate your relationship's fate and shares two real-life examples, one of a person who defied the odds and rebuilt trust after infidelity, and another who, despite having everything in their favour on paper, saw their marriage fall apart. Key Points Discussed:
Have you ever allowed relationship statistics to influence your outlook on your relationship? What would change if you focused on possibility rather than predictions? If you’ve ever felt boxed in by relationship statistics, this episode is for you. Remember, your relationship isn’t defined by numbers—only you and your partner can decide what’s possible. Tune in, reflect, and share this episode with someone who might need to hear it. Connect with Luke:
Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity | |||
| 31 May 2023 | 36. Couples Retreat - With Tamika Carlton | 00:45:25 | |
Join me in a fascinating discussion with Tamika Carlton about what Data Tells Us About Couples Retreats & Why It Matters (aka what happens when science + love combine). It’s more than just intimacy, partnership, or even challenges. Data shows the impact of relationships on our lives, and a study published by the U.S. Travel Association found that seven in 10 couples who travel together say talking and reconnecting is an important reason to spend time alone together while on vacation. Tamika is a Relationship Coach and avid traveller who believes in the power of forging meaningful connections! She is the creator of an inclusive relationship company, Couples Experience that hosts luxury couples retreats, offering couples subscription gift boxes and a couples membership community. Tamika has been featured on The Oprah Winfrey Show, Authority Magazine, HerForward, and other high-profile media outlets. With couples, her goal is to create a space of comfort & transparency so they can share stories and recognize their love is important to them as well as in building a better society – massive shifts have come from her kindhearted yet direct communication method. In the days and weeks after a couples retreat, many of the couples she works with report feeling more connected to each other, feeling a deeper connection, and having more passion in their relationship - let's talk about why! To find out more about Tamika and what she does: Membership: https://www.couples-experience.com/couples-membership/ Retreats: https://www.couples-experience.com/retreats/ Couples experience Gift Box (U.S. Only): https://couplesexperiencestore.net/products/couples-box Website: www.couplesexperience.net
Want to find out more about working with Luke? Visit: https://linktr.ee/lifecoachluke
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| 13 Sep 2023 | 51. Parenting Through Infidelity with Ben Pugh | 00:52:35 | |
Joining us today is my guest, Ben Pugh, who during the course of conversations shares his background and insights on how parents can better support their children during their teenage years, amidst the changes caused by infidelity. We discuss how modifying our own behaviours can create a positive experience for ourselves and in turn, influence our children's behaviour. In our conversation, we'll delve into the concept of identity, cherishing positive experiences, and not allowing negative ones to define us. We'll also discuss the challenges of managing emotions as parents, reflecting on our own childhood experiences, and breaking the cycle of negative behaviour. Tune in to learn more. Guest details: Ben Pugh IMPACT: Parenting with Perspective https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/impact-parenting-with-perspective/id1523428934 Here's a link to a free relationship tune up benpughcoaching.com/relationship And, here's my website. benpughcoaching.com More about me: www.lifecoachluke.com luke@lifecoachluke.com
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| 28 Jun 2023 | 40. Looking Inside with Jen Frey | 00:47:00 | |
When we see things that aren't right in our relationships and have no idea how to fix them ... the easiest thing to do is look around and see what everyone else is doing. We spend most of our lives trying to figure stuff out by comparison. The problem with this is, 'comparison is the thief of joy'. We are left feeling like we aren't good enough, or our partners aren't good enough. If only they would change and everything would be ok! Join me today in a fascinating conversation with Master Certified Coach Jen Frey as we talk about confidence, worthiness, shame, the Reticular Activating System and the problem of looking externally to solve our relationship problems.
To find out more about what Jen does, here are the details: Website: https://Jenfreycoaching.com Jen's podcast - 'Think On Purpose' --> https://open.spotify.com/show/2jEtcnOmfsepmpoBzibkcH?si=sHwT3liFSoSWKBZvl9DUcw Follow her on Instagram - https://instagram.com/jen.frey.coaching?igshid=OGQ5ZDc2ODk2ZA==
To find out more about working with me or learning from my additional resources:
On Purpose Coaching Program: www.lifecoachluke.com Contact me directly: luke@lifecoachluke.com
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| 03 Apr 2024 | 80. Should I Contact the Affair Partner? | 00:19:30 | |
In this potentially uncomfortable episode of "After the Affair," join me Luke Shillings as I ask one of the most complex and emotionally charged questions faced by individuals navigating the aftermath of infidelity: Should I contact the affair partner? This episode unpacks the myriad of emotions, potential outcomes, and ethical considerations surrounding the decision to reach out to the person involved with your partner. I aim to guide listeners through the pros and cons of initiating contact, offering a balanced view on seeking closure, the quest for the unfiltered truth, and the need for personal healing. From the risk of reopening old wounds to the dangers of misdirected anger and unwanted complications, this episode sheds light on the intricate dynamics at play. With a focus on self-reflection, personal growth, and the importance of prioritising one's own healing journey, I provide invaluable insights and advice for those wrestling with this decision. Whether you're seeking closure, contemplating reconciliation, or striving for personal empowerment, "Should I Contact the Affair Partner?" is an essential listen. Join me as we explore the delicate balance between seeking answers and focusing on self-care, offering listeners the tools and perspectives needed to navigate this challenging aspect of infidelity recovery. Join the After the Affair mailing list: https://www.lifecoachluke.com/subscribe Work with me: https://www.lifecoachluke.com | |||
| 23 Nov 2022 | 10. When Things Seemed Fine | 00:42:08 | |
For episode 10, we're doing something a little different.
Whatever it is that you are going through, whatever stage of recovery you are at, there is always someone else out there who is experiencing something similar. Simply becoming aware of this, might just make you feel a little less alone on this journey.
Today I'm having a very open conversation with Mike who experienced infidelity back in 2006.
If you would like to share your story on a future episode, then send me an email with a brief summary of your situation and we can talk.
Become a future podcast guest - Email: luke.shillings@gmail.com
Facebook: www.facebook.com/mylifecoachluke Instagram: www.instagram.com/mylifecoachluke | |||
| 18 Sep 2024 | 104. Don't Heal - The Inverse Approach After Infidelity | 00:26:05 | |
Welcome back to After the Affair with your host, Luke Shillings. In today’s episode, we're flipping the traditional approach to healing on its head. Instead of the typical steps to "heal" after betrayal, we're diving into something radical—the Inverse Approach. What if instead of chasing closure, security, and control, we did the opposite? What if we didn’t aim to heal in the conventional sense, but instead, embraced the uncertainty, pain, and unpredictability that comes with betrayal? Join Luke as he explores:
This episode is all about rethinking what it means to move forward after infidelity and finding empowerment in ways you may not have considered. If traditional methods of healing have left you feeling stuck, this episode offers a new perspective. Key Topics Discussed:
Listener Takeaways:
Reflective Question: What would it feel like to let go of your need for closure and embrace the uncertainty of the future? Connect with Luke Shillings:
Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity
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| 04 Dec 2024 | 115. Staying for the Kids: Parenting After Betrayal | 00:11:10 | |
Staying for the kids" is a phrase loaded with expectation and sacrifice. But is staying in a relationship after betrayal truly the noble choice? Or could it be teaching your children lessons about love, self-worth, and authenticity that you never intended? In this episode of After the Affair, we explore:
This episode is a must-listen for any parent navigating betrayal and wondering how to make the right decision for their family’s future. Join host Luke Shillings as he unpacks the complexities of parenting after infidelity and how to model resilience and authenticity for your children. 🎧 Listen now and discover why your happiness might just be the greatest gift you can give your kids. Connect with Luke:
Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity | |||
| 07 Oct 2022 | 3. Misjudging Others | 00:20:44 | |
In this episode I'm discussing the common ways we misinterpret each other, in particular within relationships. This stemmed from a recent conversation with my sister about how we can make quick judgements, react to that judgement and become blinkered to other possibilities as a result. Get your FREE how to survive after the affair guide from my website. Link below. Website: www.lifecoachluke.com Facebook: www.facebook.com/mylifecoachluke Instagram: www.instagram.com/mylifecoachluke | |||
| 02 Apr 2025 | 132. I’ve Been Cheated On and Everyone Is Judging Me... I Think | 00:15:00 | |
After betrayal, many people feel like they’re walking around under a spotlight, like everyone is watching, whispering, judging. But here’s the truth: it’s not always their judgement that holds you back, it’s your perception of it. In this episode, Luke unpacks how imagined judgement can shape your behaviour, limit your authenticity, and keep you stuck in cycles of shame and silence. More importantly, he reveals how to reclaim your voice and your freedom by learning to question the real critic, the one inside. Whether you’re the betrayed or the unfaithful partner, or just someone carrying shame and fear about what others think… this episode will help you reconnect with the only opinion that truly matters: your own. 🎯 Key Takeaways:✔️ The psychology behind the “spotlight effect” and projection bias. ✔️ Why our own inner critic often speaks louder than real external judgment. ✔️ How shame leads to self-abandonment in relationships and beyond. ✔️ Luke’s personal experience with masking vulnerability in his relationship. ✔️ Practical tools to reframe the stories you tell yourself and show up more authentically. 💬 Reflection Question: If no one else’s opinion mattered… how would you show up differently? Connect with Luke:
Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity | |||
| 27 Nov 2024 | 114. Is Porn Even Cheating? with Porn Addiction Coach, Matt Smith | 00:50:31 | |
What counts as cheating? For some, it’s clear-cut. For others, it’s a grey area. In this thought-provoking episode, I sit down with porn addiction coach Matt Smith to explore where we draw the line when it comes to pornography and betrayal. We dive into:
Whether you’ve experienced betrayal, struggled with shame, or just want to understand your own boundaries better, this episode is for you. Matt Smith helps men overcome porn addiction and regain control of their lives. Drawing from his own experiences and years of coaching, Matt offers practical tools and kind support. He encourages his clients to understand their urges and find lasting freedom. Matt enjoys guiding men as they uncover the reasons behind their challenges. He helps them break unhealthy patterns and create a life full of confidence and clarity. He believes recovery is not just about stopping a habit; it is about becoming who they want to be. Links & Resources Mentioned:
If this episode resonated with you, share it with a friend or leave a review on your favourite podcast platform. Your support helps us reach more people who need it. Connect with Luke:
Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity | |||
| 01 Mar 2023 | 23. The Danger of People Pleasing | 00:11:59 | |
If you have ever found yourself saying 'yes', when you meant 'no' .... then this episode is a must listen! People pleasing shows up in many relationships and can be a key element in the breakdown of those relationships. Learn what it is, where it comes from, why we do it and what you can do to eradicate it from your life.
Ask me your questions for a future episode - Email luke@lifecoachluke.com Simply ask your question, make your suggestion and put 'PODCAST QUESTION' in the subject line and I will answer as many as I can on a future episode https://linktr.ee/lifecoachluke
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| 20 Dec 2023 | 65. Choice or Obligation: Should I stay or leave after the affair? | 00:29:00 | |
"Choice or Obligation: Should I Stay or Leave After the Affair?" explores the heart-wrenching decision-making process in the aftermath of infidelity. Hosted by relationship coach Luke Shillings, this episode delves deep into the emotional turmoil faced by both betrayed and unfaithful partners. Are you feeling like every part of you is saying you should leave, yet you feel obligated to stay? You are not alone! Or perhaps you want to stay, but external messages from friends and family leave you feeling like you 'should' leave? Featuring real-life stories, the episode provides a nuanced perspective on the complex dynamics of post-affair relationships. Discover psychological insights, practical advice, and strategies for self-care and healing. Whether you're grappling with the aftermath of an affair or seeking to understand these challenging dynamics, this episode offers guidance, empathy, and a path towards clarity and empowerment.
Website: www.lifecoachluke.com Contact me: luke@lifecoachluke.com Join the mailing list: www.lifecoachluke.com/subscribe
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| 15 Feb 2023 | 21. Why People Cheat | 00:14:39 | |
Ever wondered why people choose to be unfaithful. What makes betrayal so difficult to resist? Learn some of the reasons in this episode and as always, some useful tips on how to handle them.
https://linktr.ee/lifecoachluke luke@lifecoachluke.com | |||
| 21 Dec 2022 | 14. Put it to Work | 00:09:21 | |
Come on, admit it. We are all guilty for consuming a great piece of advice, reading and inspirational quote in a magazine or learning that new technique on a webinar but, how often do you actively put that new found knowledge into practice.
I know from experience how easy it is to passively consume information, but then realise that nothing is changing for me because I haven't implemented any of it! This week is all about reflecting back on some of the key takeaways from the first 13 episodes. Choose one episode or lesson, and intentionally put it into practice before the end of 2022. Let's set you and your relationships up for 2023 like it's had a kick up the "£$*! Make the most of this holiday period spend as much time with the people most important to you in your lives.
You've got this!
Website: www.lifecoachluke.com Facebook: www.facebook.com/mylifecoachluke Instagram: www.instagram.com/mylifecoachluke LinkedIn: www.linkedin.com/in/mylifecoachluke
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| 11 Dec 2024 | 116. Religion and Betrayal: A Match made in Hell | 00:14:57 | |
Religion often has a lot to say about infidelity: forgive, stay, move on. But what if these teachings complicate, rather than heal, the emotional devastation of betrayal? In this episode, Luke explores the intersection of faith and infidelity, unpacking the pressures placed on both the betrayed and the unfaithful partner. We’ll discuss:
Whether you’re navigating the expectations of your faith or questioning the role of religion in your recovery, this episode is for you. It’s not about judgment; it’s about understanding and finding a way forward. Key Takeaways:
Join the Conversation: What role has your faith played in your healing journey after infidelity? Connect with Luke:
Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity | |||
| 12 Apr 2023 | 29. The Truth behind Unconditional Love | 00:16:06 | |
Feeling love towards others is a choice that we often overlook. Choosing negative thoughts and emotions towards people who do not meet our expectations only hurts us, and it is crucial to understand that we have control over how we feel towards someone else. In this episode, I share an example of how we can choose to love someone regardless of what they do or do not do, and any feeling is always available to us. Choose love, unconditionally.
Find out more at https://linktr.ee/lifecoachluke Contact me directly at: luke@lifecoachluke.com | |||
| 09 Aug 2023 | 46. From Struggle to Triumph - Heather O’Connor’s Tale of Reinvention after Divorce | 00:47:21 | |
In this episode of After the Affair, join me Luke Shillings as I welcome divorce and custody attorney Heather O'Connor to share her personal journey and professional expertise. Heather discusses the challenges and emotional complexities of divorce, highlighting the importance of seeking guidance and support during this difficult process. She shares personal experiences, provides practical advice, and encourages listeners to prioritize their own happiness and well-being. Heather's inspiring story of resilience and determination will leave you feeling empowered and ready to navigate the aftermath of an affair. Tune in to gain valuable insights and tools for moving forward in your own journey of healing and growth.
You can find out more about Heather and O'Connor Family Law below: Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/oconnorfamilylaw/ TikTik: https://www.tiktok.com/@oconnorfamilylaw?is_from_webapp=1&sender_device=pc YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@oconnorfamilylaw Everything else: https://linktr.ee/OCFL
To find out more about the On Purpose Coaching Program, visit - www.lifecoachluke.com To contact me directly - luke@lifecoachluke.com
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| 13 Nov 2024 | 112. Redefining Manhood: Purpose, Identity, and the Role of Infidelity | 00:14:40 | |
In this episode of After the Affair, we’re exploring a question that many men find themselves asking but few know how to answer: What does it mean to be a man today? As gender roles evolve and the traditional definitions of success and purpose shift, men are left to find new ways to build identity, self-worth, and connection. For some, these uncertainties can lead to choices like infidelity, decisions often rooted in a lack of fulfilment, identity confusion, or the need for external validation. Join us as we dive into the challenges facing modern men, how traditional roles of provider and protector have transformed, and why a strong sense of purpose is essential in both relationships and self-discovery. This episode isn’t about reclaiming outdated standards but about navigating the complex path of redefining what manhood means today. Key Takeaways:
This episode will leave you with questions, insights, and encouragement to create a path that aligns with who you truly are. Connect with Luke:
Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity | |||
| 09 Nov 2022 | 8. Choosing to Stay | 00:20:38 | |
REGISTER HERE --> www.lifecoachluke.com/holidays Click above to join us on Sunday 13th November at 12pm central time/6pm UK time. If you can't make the live event, still register and you'll get access to the recording. Attend as the betrayed spouse, the wayward spouse or as a couple. This week I am answering questions from men who have chosen to stay after discovery of the affair. Some of the issues discussed are: - Triggers - Intrusive thoughts - Choosing thoughts and seeking evidence - Knowing that you are always worthy
Usual links if you'd like to learn some more great tips. Not on my email list yet? Visit www.lifecoachluke.com and sign up today! Facebook: www.facebook.com/mylifecoachluke Instagram: www.instagram.com/mylifecoachluke
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| 11 Oct 2023 | 55. The Invisible Weight - Societal Pressures after Betrayal | 00:17:38 | |
In this episode of 'After the Affair,' I take a look at the societal pressures that shape how we cope, react, and even move forward. While the emotional toll of betrayal is a weighty topic by itself, the expectations from friends, family, and even complete strangers can add an invisible weight that often goes unspoken. I explore the history of societal norms surrounding betrayal, how media influences our perceptions, and the varying expectations set by gender, culture, and even social media platforms. I also break down the roles of friends and family in shaping the path of recovery, often in ways they might not even realize. This episode offers a multi-dimensional look at the societal pressures complicating the already intricate process of healing from betrayal. Whether you're a betrayed partner, a wayward spouse, or just someone looking to understand the intricacies of human relationships, this episode provides a fresh perspective you won't want to miss. Discover Your Relationship's Trust Type after Betrayal! I wanted to share something I've been working on — the "Relationship Trust Type" Quiz. This is a unique tool I’ve designed based on my experience as an infidelity recovery coach to offer some vital insights into the trust dynamics in your relationship, especially as you’re navigating through the aftermath of an affair. Why Take The Quiz?
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| 22 Jan 2025 | 122. You Have Built A Glass Wall: And It Is Keeping You Stuck | 00:22:09 | |
In this episode of After the Affair, we explore a powerful metaphor, the “glass wall.” It’s the invisible barrier that betrayed partners often build after infidelity. From the outside, it looks like openness and connection, but from the inside, it’s a shield, keeping you emotionally safe but painfully disconnected. We’ll unpack how these walls form, how they evolve from solid brick to deceptive glass and the signs that you might still be behind one. Most importantly, we’ll discuss how to start dismantling the glass wall, brick by brick, to foster true vulnerability, connection, and healing in your relationship. Whether you’re a betrayed, or unfaithful partner, this episode is a must-listen for anyone navigating the complexities of rebuilding trust and intimacy after betrayal. Key Takeaways:
Reflective Questions:
Connect with Luke:
Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity | |||
| 22 May 2024 | 87. The Power of Compersion: What Polyamory can teach us about Healing from Infidelity | 00:14:10 | |
In this episode of 'After the Affair,' join me Luke Shillings, as I take a look into the fascinating world of polyamory to uncover valuable insights that can aid in healing from infidelity. Polyamorous relationships, known for their emphasis on open communication, emotional intelligence, and the unique concept of compersion, offer profound lessons for monogamous couples recovering from betrayal. Join Luke as he explores:
Special Mention: A heartfelt thank you to everyone who has joined our Facebook group! Your support and engagement are invaluable. If you haven’t joined yet, search for 'After the Affair (with Luke Shillings)' on Facebook and become part of our community. https://www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity Key Takeaways:
Tune in to discover how the principles of polyamory can help you rebuild trust and heal from infidelity. Resources Mentioned:
Subscribe & Follow: Don't forget to subscribe to 'After the Affair' on your favourite podcast platform and follow us on social media for more insights and support. Listener Interaction: We love hearing from you! Share your thoughts, questions, and stories with us at luke@lifecoachluke.com or in our Facebook group. Thank you for tuning in to 'After the Affair.' Remember, healing is a journey, and together, we can navigate the path to recovery. Until next time, take care and keep moving forward. | |||
| 19 Apr 2023 | 30. The Tech Trap - How Infidelity is being facilitated by Technology | 00:37:37 | |
Join me whilst I delve into the dark side of technology and its impact on infidelity. With the rise of social media, dating apps, and messaging platforms, it has become easier than ever to connect with people outside of committed relationships. But at what cost? I explore the way in which technology is facilitating infidelity, from secret social media accounts to encrypted messaging apps and the effects this trend has on relationships and individuals. Whether you're in a committed relationship or just curious about the impact of technology on our social lives, this episode is a thought-provoking exploration of a complex and controversial topic.
Learn more at: https://linktr.ee/lifecoachluke
Ready to go from feeling paralyzed by betrayal to better than before the affair? Let's talk, book a call with me today at www.lifecoachluke.com/booking-calendar/discovery-call | |||
| 01 Jan 2025 | 119. Looking Back to Move Forward After the Affair: The Best of 2024 | 00:16:59 | |
As we step into 2025, let’s take a moment to reflect on the lessons, insights, and transformative conversations that defined 2024. In this special New Year’s episode, we revisit 12 standout episodes of After the Affair, each one a pivotal moment in exploring healing, growth, and the complexities of relationships after betrayal. From redefining failure and rebuilding intimacy to challenging societal norms and understanding the emotional impact of anniversaries, this episode is a celebration of how far we’ve come and a reminder of the strength it takes to move forward. Whether you’ve been with us from the start or you’re tuning in for the first time, this episode is for anyone seeking inspiration, hope, and practical guidance as they navigate the year ahead. Key Highlights:
Other episodes mentioned: 85, 88, 100, 106, 107, and 118. Reflective Question: What lessons from 2024 can you carry forward into 2025 to create a stronger, more authentic version of yourself and your relationships? If this episode resonates with you, share it with someone who might need a little hope and guidance as they step into the new year. Let’s continue this journey of growth and healing together. Connect with Luke:
Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity | |||